A TRIP TO JAMAICA: With a True CHARACTER OF THE People and Island.  
By the Author of Sot's Paradise.  
The Fourth Edition.  
LONDON, Printed in the Year 1699.   

TO THE READER.  
THE Condition of an Author is much like that of a Strumpet, both exposing our Reputations to supply our Necessities, till at last we contract such an ill habit, thro' our Practices, that we are equally troubled with an Itch to be always Doing; and if the Reason be required Why we betake ourselves to so Scandalous a Profession as Whoring or Pamphleteering, the same Excusive Answer will serve us both, viz. That the unhappy circumstances of a Narrow Fortune, hath forced us to do that for our Subsistance, which we are much ashamed of.  
The chiefest and most commendable Talon, admired in either, is the knack of pleasing; and He or She amongst us that happily arrives to a Perfection in that sort of Witchcraft, may in a little time (to their great Honour) enjoy the Pleasure of being Celebrated by all the Coxcombs in the Nation.  
The only difference between us is, in this particular, where in the Jilt has the Advantage, we do our Business First, and stand to the Courtesy of our Benefactors to Reward us after; whilst the other, for her security, makes her Rider pay for his Journey, before he mounts the Saddle.  
It is necessary I should say something in relation to the following Matter: I do not therein present you with a formal Journal of my Voyage, or Geographical Description of the Island of Jamaica, for that has been already done by Persons better Qualified for such a Task. I only Entertain you with what I intent for your Diversion, not Instruction; Digested into such a Style as might move your Laughter; not merit your Esteem. I question not but the Jamaica Coffeehouse will be much affronted at my Character of their Sweeting Chaos; and if I was but as well assured of Pleasing every body else, as I am of Displeasing those who have an Interest in that Country, I should not question but the Printer would gain his End, which are the Wishes of the Author.   

A TRIP TO JAMAICA:  
IN the times of Adversity, when Poverty was held no Shame, and Piety no Virtue; When Honesty in a Tradesman's Conscience, and Money in his Countinghouse, were as scarce as Health in an Hospital, or Charity in a Clergyman. The Sword being advanced, and the Pen silenced; Printers being too Poor to pay down Copy-Money, and Authors too Poor to Trust 'em: Fools getting more by hazarding their Carcases, than Ingenious Men by employing their Wits; which was well enough observed by a Gentleman, in these following Lines.  
When Pens were valued less than Swords,  
And Blows got Money more than Words;  
When Amorous Beaux and Campaign Bully,  
Thrived by their Fight and their Folly;  
Whilst Men of Parts as Poor as Rats,  
With Mourning Swords and Flapping Hats,  
Appear by Night, like Owls and Bats;  
With Hungry haste pursuing way,  
To Sir John Lend or 'Squire Pay.  
Till Wit in Rags or Fool in Feather,  
Were joined by Providence together.  
The one o'er Bottle breaks his Jest,  
Like Country Parson at a Feast;  
For which he's Treated and Exalted,  
By his dear Friend Sir Looby Dolthead.  
Unhappy Age! which so in Vice surpasses,  
That Men of Worth must Worship Golden Asses.  
I being influenced by my Stars, with an unhappy propensity, to the Conversation of those unlucky kind of Fortune-Hunters, till at last, tho' I had no more Wit to boast of than another Man, yet I shared the Fate of those that had; and to bear them Company, straggled so far from the Paths of Profit and Preferment, into a Wilderness of Pleasure and Enjoyment, that I had like to have been stuck fast in a Thicket of Brambles, before I knew whereabouts I was; to clear myself of which, I bustled like a Fox in a Gin, or a Hare in a Partridge-Net: But before I could free myself from this Entanglement, I had so wounded my Feet, and stuck so many Thorns in my Side, that I halted homewards like a Gouty Puritan to an Election, or a Lame Beggar to a Miser's Funeral.  
These little Afflictions moved me to reflect upon my Misspent Time; and like a Thief in a Goal, or a Whore in a Flux, I Resolved for the future to Reform my Life, change my Measures, and push myself upon something that might recover those lost Moment's, I had hitherto converted to the use of others, and not myself. I now began to peep into the Business of the World, and changed the Company of those who had nothing to do but Spend Money, for the Conversation of such whose Practice was to Get it.  
But I, through Inadvertency, neglecting to consult Doctor Trotter, or some other Infallible Predicting Wiseacre, began my Reformation in an unfortunate Minute, when Usurers were unbinding their Fettered Trunks, and breaking up their Deified Bags and Consecrated Sums, for the security of Religion, and the further establishment of Liberty of Conscience, without which [Liberty] joined, Conscience to them would be of no use. Tradesman grumbling at the Taxes, Merchants at their Losses, most Men complaining for want of Business, and all Men in Business, for want of Money: Every Man upon Change looking with as peevish a Countenance, as if he had unluckily stumbled upon his Wife's Failings, and unhappily become a witness to his own Cuckoldom. These I thought but slender Encouragements to a New Reformist, who had forsaken Liberty for Restraint, Ease for Trouble, Laziness for Industry, Wine for Coffee, and the Pleasures of Witty Conversation, for the Plague, of a Muddy-brained Society, who could talk of nothing but Prime Cost and Profit, the Good Humour of their Wives, the Wittiness of their Children, and the Vnluckiness of their Prentices; and knew no more how Handsomely to Spend their Money, than Honestly to Get it.  
The Complaints of those Philodenarians, the Declination of Trade, and the Scarcity of Money, gave me no more hopes of mending my Condition, by pursuing my intended measures, than a Good Husband has of mending a Bad Wife by winking at her Vices. I now found myself in great danger of a Relapse, to prevent which, after two or three Gallons of Darby-Ale had one day sent my Wits a Wooll-gathering, and generated as many Maggots in my Brains, as there are Crotchets in the Head of a Musician, or Fools in the Million Lotttry, I even took up a Resolution to Travel, and Court the Blinking Gipsy Fortune in another Country. I than began to Consider what Climate might best suit with my Constitution, and what part of the World with my Circumstances; and upon mature Deliberation, found a Warm Latitude would best agree with Thin Apparel, and a Moneyed Country with a Narrow Fortune; and having often heard such extravagant Encomiums of that Blessed Paradise Jamaica, where Gold is more plentiful than Ice, Silver than Snow, Pearl than Hailstones, I at last determined to make a trial of my Stars in that Island, and see whether they had the same Unlucky Influence upon me there, as they had, hitherto, in the Land of my Nativity.  
In order to proceed on my Voyage, I took a Passage in the good Ship the Andalucia; and about the latter end of January, 1697. Upon the dissolution of the hard Frost, I passed, with many others, by the Night Tide, in a Wherry to Gravesend, where our Floating Receptacle lay ready to take in Goods and Passengers; but our Lady Thames being put into a Passion, by the rude Kisses of an Easterly Wind, drew her Smooth Face into so many Wrinkles, that her ill-favoured Aspect and Murmur, were to me as Terrible as the Noise of Thiefs to a Miser, or Bailiffs to a Bankrupt: and being penned up with my Limbs, in an awkward Posture, lying Heads and Tails, like Essex Calves in a Rumford Wagon, I was forced to endure the Insolence of every Wave, till I was become as Wet as a New Pumped Kidnapper.  
In this Condition I Embarked about Two a Clock in the Morning, where the chief Mate, as Master of the Ceremonies, conducted me to a welcome Collation of Cheese and Biscuit, and presented me with a Magnificent Can of Sovereign Slip, prepared with as much Art as an Apothecary can well show in the mixing of a Cordial. After this refreshment, I betook myself to a Cabin, which fitted me so well, it sat as tight as a Jacket to a Dutchman, where I Slept till Morning, as close as a Snail in a Shell, or a Maggot in an Apple-Kernel. Then Rising, and after I had surveyed our Wooden Territories, I began to Contemplate upon things worthy of a serious Consideration, which stirred up in me that Malignant Spirit of Poetry, with which I am oft times unhappily possessed: And what my Muse dictated to me, her Amanuensis, I here, present unto the Reader.  

A Farewell to ENGLAND.  

I.  
FArewell my Country and my Friends,  
My Mistress, and my Muse;  
In distant Regions,  Ends  
My Genius now pursues.  
Those Blessings which I held most dear,  
Are by my stubborn Destiny,  
(That uncontrolled Necessity)  
Abandoned from me, and no more appear.   

II.  
Despair of Fortune makes me bold,  
I can in Tempests Sleep;  
And fearless of my Fate, behold  
The Dangers of the Deep.  
No Covetous Desire of Life,  
Can now my Careless Thoughts employ,  
Banished from Friendship, Love, and Joy,  
To view the Waves and Winds at equal Strife.   

III.  
O'er threatening Billows can I fly,  
And, unconcerned, conceive,  
'Tis here less difficult to Die,  
Than 'twas on Land to Live:  
To me 'tis equal, Swim or Sink;  
I smiling to my Fate can bow,  
Bereft of Joy, I think it now  
No more to Drown, than 'twas before to Drink.   

iv  
Dear Friends with Patience bear the Load  
Of Troubles, still to come,  
You Pity us who range Abroad,  
We Pity you at Home.  
Let no Oppression, Fears, or Cares  
Make us our Loyalty Disband,  
Which, like a well-built Arch, should stand  
The more secure, the greater Weight it bears.   

V  
Farewell Applause, that vain Delight  
The Witty fond seek;  
He's Blest who like a Dunce may Write,  
Or like a Fool may Speak:  
What ever Praise we gain to day,  
Whether deservedly or no,  
We to the World's Opinion own,  
Who does as oft Mistake the same away.   

VI  
Something there is, which touches near,  
I scarce can bid Adieu;  
'Tis all my Hope, my Care, my Fear,  
And all that I pursue:  
'Tis what I Love, yet what I Fly,  
But what I dare not, must not Name,  
Angels Protect the Sacred Frame,  
Till I to England shall Return, or Die.   
Towards the Evening the Captain came on Board, with the rest of our Fellow-Travellers, who, when we were altogether patched up as pretty a Society, as a Man under my Circumstances would desire to tumble into: There was Three of the Troublesome Sex, as some call them, (tho' I never thought 'em so) whose Courteous Affabillity, and Complaisance of Temper, admitted of no other Emulation, but to strive who (within the bounds of Modesty) should be most Obliging. One Unfortunate Lady was in pursuit of a Strayed, Husband, who in Jamaica, had Feloniously taken to Wife (for the sake of a Plantation) a Lacker-faced Creolean, to the great dissatisfaction of his Original Spouse, who had often declared (through the Sweetness of her Disposition) That if he had Married another Handsomer than herself, it would never haved vexed her; but to be Rivalled by a Gipsy, a Tawny Faced Moletto Strumpet, a Pumpkin coloured Whore, no, her Honour would not suffer her to bear with patience so coroding an Indignity. The other Two were a pretty Maid, and a Comely Widow; so that in these three, we had every Honourable State of the whole Sex: One in the State of Innocency, another of Frution, the third of Deprivation; and if we'd had but one in the State of Corruption, a Man might have pleased himself as well in our Little World, as you Libertines can do in the Great One.  
I shall be too tedious if I at large Particularise the whole Company, I shall therefore Hustle them together, as a moorfield's Sweetner does Luck in a Bag, and then you may Wink and Choose, for the Devil a Barrel the better Herring amongst us. We had one (as I told you before) Cherubimical Lass, who, I fear, had Lost herself, two more of the same Gender, who had lost their Husbands; two Parsons who had lost their Live; three Broken Tradesmen, who had lost their Credit; and several, like me, that had lost their Wits; a Craeoland Captain, a Superannuated Mariner, an Independent Merchant, an Irish Kidnapper, and a Monmothean Sythe-man, all going with one Design, to patch up their Decayed Fortunes.  
Every thing being in order for Sailing, the Pilot came on Board who put on such a Commanding Countenance, that he looked as Stern as a Saracens Head; and the Sins of his Youth having crept into his Pedestals, he Limped about the Quater-Deck, like a Cripple in Forma Pauperis upon a Mountebanks Stage, making as great a Noise in his Tarpaulin Cant, as a Young Council in a Bad Cause, or a Butcher at a Bear-Garden. As soon as we had weighed Anchor, under the doleful Cry and hard Service of Haul Cat haul, there was nothing heard till we reached the Downs, but About Ship my Lads, bring your Fore Tack on Board, haul Foresail haul, Brace about the Main Yard, and the Devil to do, That I was more Amazed than a Mouse at a Throsters Mill, or the Russian Ambassador, at a Clap of Thunder.  
By the help of Providence, the Pilot's Care, and Seamens Industry, we passed safe to Deal, where we Anchored three or four Days for a fair Wind. In which interim, the Prince of the Air had puffed up an unwelcome Blast in the Night, which forced a Vessel upon the Goodwin. The next Morning the Savages Man'd out a Fleet of their Deal Skimming-Dishes, and made such unmerciful work with the poor distressed Bark, that a Gang of Bailiffs with an Excecution, or a Kennel of Hounds upon a Dead Horse, could not have appeared more Ravenous. From thence with a prosperous Gale, we made the best of our way into the wide Ocean, which Mariners say, is of such Profundity, that, like a Miser's Conscience, or a Woman's Concupiscence 'tis never to be Fathomed.  
'Twas in the midst of Winter, and very Cold Wether, when we set out; but in a Fortnight's time we were got into a comfortable Climate, which yielded us so pleasant a warmth, that a Man might pluck off his Shirt upon Deck, and commit Murthor upon his own Flesh and Blood till he was weary, without the danger of an Ague.  
I happened one Morning to hear two Tar-Jackets in a very high Dispute; I went to them, and asked the reason of their Difference. Why Sir, says one, I'll tell you, there was my Master Whistlebooby, an old Boatswain in one of his Majesty's Ships, who was Superhanded, and past his Labour and the Ambaralitie Divorced him from his Ship, and the King allowed him a Suspension, and this Lubberly Whelp here says I talk like a Fool; and sure I have not used the Sea this Thirty Years, but I can Argufie any thing as proper as he can.  
The chief Sports we had on Board, to pass away the tedious Hours, were Hob, Spy the Market, Shove the Slipper, Dilly Dally, and Back-Gammon; the Latter of which proved as serviceable to me, as a Book of Heraldy to a Gentleman Mumper, or a Pass to a Penniless Vagabond: For (like the Whore who boasted of her Industry) I used to make my Days Labour worth Two Shillings, or Half a Crown, at Two Pence, or a Groat a Bout. The most powerful Adversary I engaged with, was a Parson, who, when the Bell Rung to Prayers, would start up in the middle of a Hit, desire my Patience whilst he stepped into the Great Cabin, and gave his Sinful Congregation a Dram of Evangelical Comfort, and he would wait upon me presently. But that Recreation in which we took a more peculiar delight, was the Harmony we made by the assistance of the two Heaven-drivers, in Lyricking over some Antiquated Sonnets, and for variety's sake, now and then a Psalm, which our Canonical Vice-Whippers Sung with as Penitential a grace, as a Sorrowful Offender in his Last Nightcap.  
To please myself at a Spare-Hour, I had taken with me a Flute, and there being on Board a Spaniel Dog, who (Seaman-like) had no great kindness for Wind-Musick, for when ever he heard me Tooting, he'd be Howling, which, together made a Noise so surprising, that it frighted away a Quotidean Ague, from a Young Fellow who had been three Weeks under the hands of our Doctor.  
One Night after we had well Moistened our Drouthy Carcases with an Exhilerating Dose of Right Honourable Punch, there arose a Storm, for which I had often wished, that I might not be a stranger to any Surprising Accident the Angry Elements, when at Variance, might afford me. The Heavens all round us (in as little time as a Girl might lose her Maidenhead) had put on such a Malignant Aspect, as if it threatened our Destruction; And Aeolus gave such unmerciful Puffs, and Whiffs, that I was fearful to stand upon the Quarter Deck, lest, before my time, I should be snatched up to Heaven in a Whirlwind. From all the Corners of the Sky there darted forth such Beams of Lightning, that I Vow and Protest the Fireworks in St. James'- Square, were no more to be compared to't, than a Glowworms Arse to a Cotten Candle, which were Instantly succeeded with such Vollies of Thunder, from every side, that you would have thought the Clouds had been fortified with Whole Cannon, and weary of being tossed about with every Wind, were Fight their way into a Calmer Region, to enjoy their Rest, Then fell such an excessive Rain, that as we had one Sea under us, we feared another had been tumbling upon our Heads; for my part, I feared the very Falling of the Sky, and thought of nothing but Catching of Larks. My Spirits being a little depressed, by the apprehensions of the Danger we were under, I went down into the Gun-room, to consult my Brandy-Cask about taking of a Dram; where one of our Ladies, through want of better Accommodation, was forced to be Content with a Cradle, in which she was Praying, with as much Sincerity, for Fair Wether, as a Farmer for a Kind Harvest, or an Old Maid for a Good Husband: And I being greatly pleased at her most Importunate Solicitations, have given you a Repetition of one part, viz. And if Thou hast Decreed, that we shall Perish in this Tempest, I most humbly beseech Thee to Punish with Pox, Barrenness, and Dry-Belly-Ach, that Adulterous Strumpet, who, by Robbing me of my Husband, hath been a means of bringing me to this Untimely End; may her whole. Life be a continued course of Sin without a moment's Repentance, that she may Die without Forgiveness, and be Damned without Mercy. In which Interim, a Sea washed over our Forecastle, run Aft, and came down the Whip-scuttle, she concluding we were going to the Bottom, Shrieked out, and fell into a Fit; whilst I, through my Fear, together with my Modesty, scorned to take the Advantage of so fair an Opportunity.  
In a doubtful Condition, between this World and the next, we laboured till near Morning, about which time the Storm abated; But as soon as Daylight appeared and the serenity of the Wether had turned our Frightful Apprehensions into a little Alacrity, some of the Men, from Aloft, Spied a Sail bearing after us with all Expedition; and being no great distance from the Coast of Sally, a jealousy arose amongst our Officers, of her being a Man of War belonging to that Country, they having upon the Conclusion of the late Peace with France, Proclaimed a War with England; so that we thought ourselves now in as great danger of being knocked on the Head, or made Slaves, as we were before of being Drowned. This Alaram kindled up amongst us new fears of approaching Danger, more Terrible than the former we had so happily survived.  
Command was given by our Captain, to prepare for a Fight; down Chests, up Hammocks, bring the small Arms upon the Quarter, an every Man directed to his Post, by orders fixed upon the Mizzen-mast in the Steerage; the Bulkhead and Cabins nocked down, the Deck cleared Fore and Aft, for every Man to have free access to his Business. When all things were in readiness to receive an Enemy, I took a walk on purpose to look about me, and was so animated which the Seamens Activity and Industry, together with the smell of Sweat, Match, and Gunpowder, that like 'Squire Witherington in Chevy Chase, I could have Fought upon my Stump. By this time our supposed Enemy was almost come up with us, under English Colours, but his keeping close upon our Quarter, and not bearing off, gave us still reasons to mistrust him; but seeing him a small Ship, and ours a Vessel of 400 Tuns, 28 Guns, and about 50 Men, we Furl'd our Mainsail with all our Hands at once, as a stratagem to seem well Man'd; put our Topsails aback, and lay by, to let 'em see we were no more Afraid than Hurt. We had on Board an Irishman going over a Servant, who I suppose was Kidnaped; I observed this Fellow, being quartered at a Gun, looked as pale as a Pickpocket new taken: I asked him why he put on such a Cowardly look; and told him 'twas a shame for a Man to show so much Fear in his Countenance. Indeed Sir (said he) I cannot halp et, I love the bate of a Drum, the Pop of a Pistol, or the Bounch of a Mushket wall enough, but, by my Shoul, the Roaring of a Great Gun always makesh me start. I asked him whose Servant he was. By my Fait, said he, I cannot tell; I wash upon Change looking for a good Mashter, and a brave Gentleman came to me and asked me who I wash; and I told him I wash mine nowm shelf, and he gave me some good Wine and good Ale, and brought me on Board, and I have not sheen him sinch. By this time our Adversary was come within hearing, and upon our Hailing of him, proved a little ship bound to Guinea, which put an end to our Fears, and made us fly to the Punch-Bowle with as much Joy as the Mob to a Bonfire upon a State- Holiday.  
After we had chased away the remembrance of our past Dangers, with a reviving draught of our Infallible Elixir, we began to be Merry as so many Beggars (and indeed were before as Poor) beginning to turn that into Ridicule, which so lately had changed our Jollitry into Fear and Sadness. When we had thus refreshed our Bodies, and strengthened our Spirits, by passing round a Health to our Noble Selves, etc. 'twas thought high time by our Reverend Pastors, to return Thanks for our great Deliverance from the hands of our Enemies, tho' we had none near us, which was accordingly performed with all the Solemnity a parcel of Merry Juvenal Wags could compose themselves to observe.  
By this time we were got into so warm a Latitude, that (God be thanked) a Louse would not live in it: We now began to thin our Dress, and, had not Decency forbidden it, could have gladly gone Naked, as our first Parents. Kissing here grew out of Fashion; there's no joining of Lips, but your Noses would drop Sweat in your Mouths. The Sea, and other Elements, began now to entertain us with Curiosities in Nature worth observing, as Grampos, Sharks, Porpus, Flying-Fish, Albacores Bonetta's, Dolphin, Bottlenoses, Turtle, Blubber, Stingrays, Sea-Adders, and the Devil and all of Monsters without Names, and some without Shape. As for Birds, Noddies, Boobies, Shearwaters, Shags, Pitternells, Men of War, Tropic Birds, Pelican's, etc. I shall not undertake here to describe these Creatures, because some of them are so Frightfully Ugly, that if any Friend's Wife with Child should long for the Reading of my Book, it should chance to make her Miscarry. But that which I thought most worthy of Observation, were the Clouds, whose various Forms, and beauteous Colours, were Inimitable by the Pencil of the greatest Artist in the Universe, Cities, Palaces, Groves, Fields, and Gardens, Monuments, Castles, Armies, Bulls, Bears, and Dragons, etc. as if the Air above us had been Frozen into a Looking-Glass, and showed us by Reflection, all the Rarities in Nature.  
By this time we had gained the Tropic, and come into a Tradewind; the greatest of our fears being now a Calm, which is fine weather to please fearful Tempers; but it brings us more in danger of being Starved, than a Storm does of being Drowned: Tho' it was our Fortune in a few Days after, to make the Leward-Islands, and put us past the dread of so terrible a Catastrophe, those we passed in sight of, were, Descado, a rare place for a Birdcatcher to be Governor of, Birds being the only Creatures by which 'tis inhabited; Montserat Antego, Mevis, possessed by the English; St. Christopher's, by half English half French; Rodunday, an uninhabitable high Rock. From amongst these Caribbee Islands, in a few days, we got to Hispaniola, without any thing remarkable; and from thence, in 24 Hours, with a fresh Gale, within sight of Jamaica, which (without Malice or Partiality) I shall proceed to give you some Account of.   

A Character of JAMAICA.  
THE Dunghill of the Universe, the Refuse of the whole Creation, the Clipping of the Elements, a shapeless pile of Rubbish confusedly jumbled into an Emblem of the Chaos, neglectect by Omnipotence when he formed the World into its admirable Order. The Nursery of Heavens Judgements, where the Malignant Seeds of all Pestilence were first gathered and scattered through the Regions of the Earth, to Punish Mankind for their Offences. The Place where Pandora filled her Box, where Vulcan Forged Jove's Thunderbolts, and that Phaeton, by his rash misguidance of the Sun, scorched into a Cinder. The Receptacle of Vagabonds, the Sanctuary of Bankrupts, and a Close-stool for the Purges of our Prisons. As Sickly as an Hospital, as Dangerous as the Plague, as Hot as Hell, and as Wicked as the Devil. Subject to Turnadoes, Hurricans, and Earthquakes, as if the Island, like the People, were troubled with the Dry Belly-Ach.   

Of their Provisions.  
THE chiefest of their Provisions is Sea Turtle, or a Toad in a shell, stewed in its own Gravy; its Lean is as White as a Green-sickness Girl, its Fat of a Calves-turd Colour; and is excellently good to put a stranger into a Flux, and purge out part of those ill Humours it infallibly creates. The Belly is called Callipee, the Back Callipach; and is served up to the Table in its own Shell, instead of a Platter. They have Guana's, Hikceries, and Crabs; the first being an Amphibeous Serpent, shaped like a Lizard, but black and larger, the second a Land-Tortoise, the last needs no Description, but are as numerous as Frogs in England, and Borough in the Ground like Rabbits, so that the whole Island may be justly called, A Crabb-Warren. They are Fattest near the Pallasadoes, where they will make a Skelleton of a Corpse in as little time as a Tanner will Flay a Colt, or a Hound after Hunting devour a Shoulder of Mutton. They have Beef without Fat, Lean Mutton without Gravy, and Fowls as dry as the Udder of an Old Woman, and as tough as a Stake from the Haunches of a Superannuated Car-Horse.  
Milk is so plenty, you may buy it for Fifteen Pence a Quart; but Cream so very scarce, that a Firkin of Butter, of their own making, would be so costly a Jewel, that the Richest Man in the Island would be unable to purchase it. They value themselves greatly upon the sweetness of their Pork, which is indeed luscious, but as flabby as the Flesh of one just risen from a Flux, and aught to be forbid in all hot Countries (as amongst the Jews) for the prevention of Leprosy, Scurvy, and other Distempers, of which it is a great occasion.  
There is very little Veal, and that Lean; for in England you may Nurse four Children much cheaper than you can one Calf in Jamaica. They have course Teal, almost as big as English Ducks; and Moscovy Ducks as big as Geese; But as for their Geese, they may be all Swans, for I never saw one in the Island.  
There are sundry sorts of Fish, under Indian Names, without Scales, and of a Serpentine Complexion; they Eat as dry as a Shad, and much stronger than stolen Herrings or Old Ling; with Oiled Butter to the Sauce as rank as Goose-Grease, improved with the palatable Relish of a stinking Anchovie.  
They make a rare Soop they call Pepper-pot; it's an excellent Breakfast. for a Salamander, or a good preparative for a Mountebanks Agent, who Eats Fire one day, that he may get better Victuals the next. Three Spoonfuls so Inflamed my Mouth, that had I devoured a Peck of Horseradish, and Drank after it a Gallon of Brandy and Gunpowder, (Dives like) I could not have been more importunate for a Drop of Water to cool my Tongue.  
They greatly abound in a Beautiful Fruit, called a Cussue, not unlike an Apple, but longer; it's soft and very Juicy, but so great an Acid, and of a Nature so Restringent, that by Eating of one, it drew up my Mouth like a Hen's Fundament, and made my  as Rough, and Tongue as Sore as if I had been Gargling it with Allom-Water: From whence I conjecture, they are a much sitter Fruit to recover Lost Maidenheads, properly applied, than to be Eaten. Of water-melons and Musmellons they have plenty; the former is of as cold a quality as a Cucumber, and will dissolve in your Mouth like Ice in a hot Frying-pan, being as Pleasant to the Eater (and, I believe, as Wholesome) as a Cup of Rockwater to a Man in a Hectic : The latter are large and luscious, but much too watery to be good.  
Coco-Nuts, and Physick-Nuts are in great esteem amongst the Inhabitants; the former they reckon Meat, Drink, and Cloth, but the Eatable part is secured within so strong a Magazine, that it requires a Lusty Carpenter, well Armed with Axe and Handsaw, to hue a passage to the Kernel, and when he has done, it will not recompense his Labour. The latter is big as a Filbert, but (like a Beautiful Woman well Dressed, and Infectious) if you venture to Taste, is of ill consequence: Their Shell is Black, and Japaned by Nature, exceeding Art; the Kernel White, and extreme Pleasant to the , but of so powerful an Operation, that by taking two, my Guts were Swept as clean, as ever Tom-T— d-man made a Vault, or any of the Black Fraternity a Chimney.  
They have Oranges, lemond's, Limbs, and several other Fruits, as Sharp and Crabbed as themselves, not given them as a Blessing, but a Curse; for Eating so many sour things, Generates a Corroding Slime in the Bowels, and is one great occasion of that Fatal and Intolerable Distemper, The Dry Belly-Ach; which in a Fortnight, or Three Weeks, takes away the use of their Limbs, that they are forced to be led about by Negroes. A Man under this Misery, may be said to be the ‛ Scutcheon of the Island, the Complexion of the Patient being the Field, bearing Or, Charged with all the Emblems of Destruction, proper; supported by Two Devils, Sable; and Death the Crest Argent. Many other Fruits there are, that are neither worth Eating, Naming, or Describing: Some that are never tasted but in a Drought, others in a Famine.   

Of Port Royal.  
IT is an Island distinct from the Main of Jamaica, tho' before the Earthquake, it joined by a Neck of Land to the Palisadoes, but was separated by the violence of an Inundation (through God's Mercy) to prevent the Wickedness of their Metropolis diffusing itself, by Communication, over all the Parts of the Country, and so call that Judgement upon the Whole, which fell more particularly upon the Sinfulest part.  
From a Spacious fine Built Town (according to Report) it is now reduced, by the encroachments of the Sea, to a little above a quarter of a Mile in Length, and about half so much the Breadth, having so few remains left of its former splendour, I could think no otherwise but that every Traveller who had given its Description, made large use of his Licence. The Houses are low, little, and irregular; and if I compare the best of their Streets in Port-Royal, to the Fag-End of Kent-street, where the Broom-men Live, I do them more than Justice.  
About ten a Clock in the Morning, their Nostrils are saluted with a Land-Breeze, which blowing o'er the Island, searches the Bowels of the Mountains (being always cracked and full of vents, by reason of excessive Heat) bringing along with it such Sulphureous Favours, that I have feared the whole Island would have burst out into a flaming Aetna, or have stifled us with Suffocating Fumes, like that of melted Minerals and Brimstone.  
In the afternoon, about Four a Clock, they might have the refreshment of a Sea-Breeze, but suffering the Negroes to carry all their Nastiness to Windward of the Town, that the Nauseous Efluvia's which arise from their stinking Dungills, are blown in upon them; thus what they might enjoy as a Blessing, they Ingratefully pervert by their own ill management.  
They have a Church, 'tis true, but built rather like a Market-House; and when the Flock are in their Pens, and the Pastor Exalted to overlook his Sheep, I took, a Survey round me, and saw more variety of Scare-Crows than ever was seen at the Feast of Vgly-Faces.  
Every thing is very Dear, and an Ingenious or an Honest Man may meet with this Encouragement, To spend a Hundred Pounds before he shall get a Penny. Madera-Wine and Bottle-Beer are Fifteen Pence the Bottle; nasty Claret, half a Crown; Rhennish, Five Shillings; and their best Canary, Ten Bits, or Six and Three Pence. They have this Pleasure in Drinking, That what they put into their Bellies, they may soon stroke out of their Fingers-Ends; for instead of Exonerating they Fart, and Sweat instead of Pissing.   

Of the PEOPLE.  
THE generality of the Men look as if they had just nocked off their Fetters, and by an unexpected Providence, escaped the danger of a near Misfortune, the dread of which, hath imprinted that in their Looks, which they can no more alter than an Ethiopian can his Colour.  
They are all Colonels, Majors, Captains, Lieutenants, and Ensigns, the two last being held in such disdain, that they are looked upon as a Bungling Diver amongst a Gang of Expert Pickpockets; Pride being their Greatness, and Impudence their Virtue.  
They regard nothing but Money, and value not how they get it, there being no other Felicity to be enjoyed but purely Riches. They are very Civil to Strangers who bring over considerable Effects; and will try a great many ways to Kill him fairly, for the lucre of his Cargo: And many have been made Rich by such Windfalls▪  
A Broken Apothecary will make there a Topping Physician; a Barber's Apprentice, a good Surgeon; a Bailiffs Follower, a passable Lawyer; and an English Knave, a very Honest Fellow.  
They have so great a veneration for Religion, That Bibles and Common Prayer Books are as good a Commodity amongst them, as Muffs and Warming-pans'.  
A little Reputation among the Women, goes a great way; and if their Actions be answerable to their Looks, they may vie Wickedness with the Devil: An Impudent Air, being the only Charms of their Countenance; and a Lewd Carriage, the Studied Grace of their Deportment. They are such who have been Scandalous in England to the utmost degree, either Transported by the State, or led by their Vicious Inclination; where they may be Wicked, without Shame; and Whore on, without Punishment.  
They are Stigmatised with Nicknames, which they bear, not with Patience only, but with Pride, as Unconscionable Nan, Salt-Beef Peg, Buttock-de-Clink Jenny, etc. Swearing, Drinking, and Obscene Talk, are the principal Qualifications that render them acceptable to Male Conversation; and she that wants a perfection in these admirable Acquirements, shall be as much Ridiculed for her Modesty, as a Plaindealing Man amongst a Gang of Knaves, for his Honesty.  
In short, Virtue is so Despised, and all sorts of Vice Encouraged, by both Sexes, that the Town of Port Royal is the very Sodom of the Universe.  
FINIS.