CONCEITS, CLINCHES, FLASHES, AND WHIMZIES. Newly studied, with some Collections but those never published before in this kind. LONDON. Printed by R. Hodgkinsonne for Daniel Frere and are to be sold at the sign of the read Bull in little britain 1639. To the Reader. GEntle Reader I here present thee with he producements of ●ome vapouring houres ●urposely intended to ●romote harmless mirth I wish thee as merry in the reading as I and some other of my friends were in speaking of them, do but laugh at them and I am satisfied, for to that( and no other purpose) they were intended. Farewell. To the AUTHOR, on his Conceits. FRiend, thy conceits flown from the downey nest, Of thy rich fancy, lighted on my breast. Where( let me tell thee true, for 'twere a sin To flatter any, much more flatter him I hold my friend) I found such ample store, In thy pure Mine of gold and silver ore I became conscious that I sure was bound Now to disclose toth' world what I had found. And render to the readers no close end, Could stop me from being theirs or thy true friend. T. Rawlins. 1 AN idle justice of Peace is like the picture of Saint George upon a signe-post with his sword drawn to no purpose. 2 he that speaks great gunpowder words may be compared to a deep mouthed dog, or bee said to have a tympany in his tongue. 3 A soldier said he had been in so many battels and had been so battered with bullets that he swore he thought he had a mine of led in his belly. 4 Lovers oaths are like mariners prayers, when once the heat is over, they are not the same men. 5 Women are like dead bodies for surgeons to work upon, because they tell a man his imperfections. 6 musicans may be compared unto chameleons, because they live by air. 7 One said it was a difficult thing to persuade a multitude( especially in a City where they are for the most part strongheaded) to any reason. 8 One was called fool for asking what Country man a ploughman was because it is known said one they were all born in hungary. 9 One asked a man whether he had swallowed a Doctor of physics bill, because he spoken such hard words. 10 The Philosophers ston had need turn all metals to gold, because the study of it turns all a mans gold to other mettall. 11 One asked a poet where his wits were, he answered a woolgathering, the other replied there was no people had more need of it. 12 One asked whence choler was descended, one answered that shee was the daughter of a great mans porter begot of a kitchen wench in the time of a feast. 13 One asked another why he loved woodcoke so extremely, the other answered why not I as well as you, for I am sure you never go abroad but you carry one under your cloak. 14 One asked why a Knight took place of a Gentleman, it was answered because they were Knights now a days before they were Gentlemen. 15 One said the midwives trade of all trades was most commendable, because they lived not by the hurts of other men, as Surgeons do; nor by the falling out of friends as Lawyers do: but by the agreement betwixt party and party. 16 One said a good Client was like a study gown, that sits in the could himself to keep his Lawyer warm. 17 One said the fees of a pander and a puny clerk are much alike, for the pander had but two pence next morning for making the bed and that was a penny a sheet. 18 A woman was commending a boyes face, pish quoth another give me a mans face, a boyes face is not worth a hair. 19 One compared a domineering fellow to a walking spur, that keeps a great jingling noise but never pricks. 20 One said it was unfit a glazier should be a Constable because he was a common civiler. 21 One said he had received a shee-letter, because saith he it hath a young one in the belly of it. 22 One asked the reason why Lawyers clerks writ such wide lines, another answered it was done to keep the peace, for if the plaintiff should be in one line and the Defendant in the next line, the lines being too near together they might perhaps fall together by the ears. 23 One said he was so tender hearted that he could not find in his heart to kill a louse, another answered that it proceeded only from faintheartednesse because he had not the heart to see his own blood. 24 One said a rich widow was like the rubbish of the world that helps only to stop the breaches of decayed houses. 25 A master spoken in a strain his servant understood not, whereupon the servant desired his Master rather to give him blows then such hard words. 26 Those that say gallants put all upon their backs abuse them, for they spend a great deal more upon their bellies. 27 One said it was a strange fashion that we had in England to receive money with wives and give money for wenches, It was answered that in ancient time women were good and then men gave money for their wives, but now like light gold they would not pass without allowance. 28 One persuaded another to mary a whore because shee was rich, telling him that perhaps she might turn, turn said the other she hath been so much worn that she is past turning. 29 One put a jest upon his friend O said his friend that I could ●●t see your brains I would e●●n hug them for this jest. 30 One asked why Sextons did use to wear black, it was answered that in regard of their office they were to meddle with grave matters and did therfore wear black. 31 One seeing another wear a threadbare cloak asked him whether his cloak was not sleepy or no, why do you ask said the other, because said he I think it hath not had a nap this seven yeeres. 32 One asked what was the usual food of citizens wives, it was answered, though they loved flesh beter then fish yet for temperance sake they would so diet themselves that at noon they fed only upon carp, at night on cods-head, and when they went abroad a little place would content them better then any other thing. 33 One wondered much what great scholar this same Finis was, because his name was almost to every book. 34 One asked what he was that had a fine wit in jest, it was answered a fool in earnest. 35 One hearing a Usurer say he had been on the pike of Teneriff( which is supposed to be one of the highest hills in the world) asked him why he had not stayed there for he was persuaded he would never come so near heaven again. 36 A Citizen begins a health to all the Cuckolds in the world, the Gentleman to whom the health was presented seeing him with his cap in his hand, said, what do you mean Sir pray ye remember yourself. 37 One asked a foot-boy why he was so affencted with linen stockings, he answered because he was troubled with running legs. 38 One said to another that his face was like a popish almanac all holidays because it was full of pimples. 39 One said it was a good fashion that was worn now a dayes, because the tailors had so contrived it that there was little or no waste in a whole svit. 40 One said a jellous wife was like an irish trouze always close to a mans tail. 41 One said an Apothecaryes house must needs be healthful, because the windows, benches boxes, and almost all the things in the house took physic. 42 One said a physician was natural brother to the worms, because he was engendered out of mans corruption. 43 One gave a fellow a box on the ear, the fellow gave him another, what do you mean( said he that gave the first box) I did not lend you a box, I freely gave it you, the other answer●● he was a gamester and had been always used to pay the box. 44 A Gentleman that bore a spleen to another meets him ●n the street gives him a box on ●he ear, the other not willing ●o stricke again puts it off with a jest asking him whether it was in jest or in earnest, the other answers it was in earnest, I am glad of that said he for if it had been in jest I should have been very angry, for I do not like such jesting, and so past away from him. 45 One that was justly jealous of his wife said prithee leave these courses, for if thou dost not they will ere it be long make me horn mad. 46 One said to a gentleman that was too full of compliment pray you Sir do not spend so much wit, if you be so prodigal of it you will ere it be long have none left for yourself. 47 There is nothing says one more revengeful then hemp, for if a man once beat it, especially in Bridewell, 'tis a hundred to one but it will be the death of him shortly after. 48 he that swears when he loseth his money at game, may challenge hel by way of purchase. 49 One asked which were supposed to be the two fruitfulles● acres of ground in the whole kingdom? it was answered Westminster-Hall and the old Exchange. 50 It was asked why fat men did love their ease so much, because said one the soul in a fat body lies soft and is therefore loathe to rise. 51 One asked why young Barristers used to stick their chamber windows with letters, because said another it was the first thing that gave the world notice of their worships. 52 One having drank a cup of ●ead beer, swore that the beer ●as more then fox'd, another ●emanding his reason quoth he because it is dead drunk. 53 Usurers live says one, by ●he fall of heires, like swine by ●he dropping of acorns. 54 One said a prodigal was like ● brush that spent itself to make others go handsome in their clothes. 55 One wondered what pleasan● kind of oratory the Pillory had in him, that men loved to hav● their ears nailed to it. 56 One said suppose all the women in the world were like patient Grizell, then said another we might make Christmasbloks of the cucking-stooles. 57 An Antiquary says one loves every thing:( as Dutch-men do cheese) for being moldy and worm-eaten. 58 One said a Player had an idle ●mployment of it, O you are mistaken said another for his whole life is nothing else but action. 59 One asked his friend how he should use tobacco so that it might do him good, he answered you must keep a tobacco shop and sell it, for certainly there is none else find good in it. 60 A simplo fellow in gay cloths says one, is like a Cinnamomtree the bark is of more worth then the body. 61 If a man be Cornelius says one he must be Tacitus too otherwise he shall never live quietly. 62 One entreated a prisoner to do him a courtesy, telling him that hitherto he had found him a fast friend and he hoped he should find him so still. 63 A Gentleman riding on the way would needs turn back to kiss his wife that was behind him, he was therefore commended for a kind husband in regard he was before to kiss his wife behind. 63 One asked whether such a man were wise or no, it was answered that he was otherwise. 64 One persuaded a scholar that was much given to going abroad that he would put away his cushion and it would be a means to make him sit harder to his study. 66 One said poetry& plain dealing were a couple of handsome wenches, another answered yes but he that weds himself to either of them shall die a beggar. 67 One said he had heard the story of St. George how he killed the dragon that would else have devoured the maid& did wonder that men would device such lies, for saith he it is held by most men that there was never such a man as St. George, nor ever such a creature as a Dragon another answers for St. George, tis no great matter neither for the dragon whether there were such or no, pray heaven there be a maid and then it is no matter. 68 A Scholar and a Courtier meeting in the street seemed to contest for the wall, says the Courtier I do not use to give every coxcomb the wall, the scholar answered but I do sir, and so passed by him. 69 One asked the reason why women were so crooked and perverse in their conditions, another answered because the first woman was made of a crooked thing. 70 A rich Lawyer that had got a great estate by the Law upon his death bed was desirous to give twenty pound per annum, to the house of Bedlam, being demanded why he would give it to that house rather then another, he answered that he had got it of mad men and to them he would give it again. 71 One said women were like quick sands, seemed firm, but if a man came upon them he fell in overhead and shoulders. 72 Another said a woman was like a piece of old Grogram always freting. 73 One asked why men should think there was a world in the moon. It was answered because they were lunatic. 74 One asked why ladies called their husbands Master such a one, and master such a one, and not by their titles of knighthood, as Sir Thomas, Sir Richard Sir William, &c. it was answered that though others called them by their right titles as Sir William, Sir Thomas, &c. yet it was fit their wives should master them. 75 One asked what was the first commodity a young shopkeeper put off; it was answered his honesty. 76 One asked why Icarus would undertake to fly in the air? it was answered because he was a Buzzard. 77 Two Gentlemen talking in latin in the presence of a woman she grew jealous that they spake of her and desired them to speak english that she might answer them, for she said she was persuaded when men spake latin although they spake but two words that still one of them was nought: whereupon one of the Gentlemen said presently Bona mulier, she replied I know bona is good, but I'll warrant ye the other word means something that's nought. 87 A simplo fellow being too bold with one that was his superior, was told he might say what he would for that day because it was Innocents day, it being so indeed. 81 One said a barber had need be honest and trusty because whosoever employed him, though it was but for a hair matter put his life into his hands. 82 A svit in Law being referred to a Gentleman the plaintiff who had the equity of the cause on his side presented him with a new coach, the Defendant with a couple of horses, he liking the horses better then the coach gave sentence on the Defendants side, the plaintiff calls to him and asketh him how it came to pass the coach went out of the right way, he answers that he could not help it for the horses had drawn it so. 83 One persuaded his friend to mary a little woman because of evils, the least was to be chosen. 84 One asked how it came to pass that hosts had usually read noses, it was answered that it was given to them by nature to show to the world an experiment of the virtue of what he sold. 83 A vain glorious man was bragging that his Father& his Uncle had founded such a hospital, one answered▪ 'tis true but yet know that your Father and your Uncle were the mere confounders of that hospital you speak of. 84 One said a tooth drawer was a kind of an unconscionable trade because his trade was nothing else but to take away those things whereby every man gets his living. 85 One asked why he that drew beer was not called a drawer as well as he that drew wine, it was answered that beer made a man to piss but it was wine made him draw. 86 One said he wondered that leather was not dearer then any other thing, being demanded a reason: because saith he, it is more stood upon then any other thing in the world. 87 One said a hangman had a contemplative profession because he never was at work bu● he was put in mind of his own end. 91 One called another rogue he answered durst I trust thee with a looking glass you would quit me and condemn yourself. 92 A fellow that had no money in his pocket was in a great rage with another who told him, pray Sir do not put yourself into too much heat unless you had more money in your pocket whereby to quench it. 93 One being asked what countryman he was, he answered a Middlesex man, the other told him being he was neither of the male sex nor of the female sex, but of a middlesex, he must then bee a Hermaphrodit. 94 One said corn was a quarrelsome creature because it rose by the blade and fel by the ears with those that cut it. 95 Why do Ladies so affect slender wastes( said one) 'tis( replied another) because their expenses may not bee too great. 93 One commending a tailor for his dexterity in his profession; another standing by ratified his opinion saying tailors had their business at their fingers ends. 94 One being demanded the reason why he thought the greatest drinkers quickest of apprehension, made this answer: Qui supper naculum bibit ad unguem sapit. 95 A Poet says one is a man of great privilege, because if he transgress it is by a rule; viz. Licentia poetica. 96 The severest stoics( said one) are the greatest Students, because their contracted brows are always bent to study. 97 Colliers and mine-workers should be well acquainted with all the philosophical secrets of the Earth because they have deeper knowledge in it then any others. 104 Tapsters said one should bee men of esteem because they are men not only of a high calling, but also of great reckoning. 105 'tis impossible that sailors should be rich men, because they are never so well pleased as when they go down the wind fastest. 106 A woman said of all men she had a desire to mary a Huntsman because he would not disdain to wear the home. 107 Of all knaves there's the greatest hope of a cobbler, for though he be never so idle a fellow yet he is still mending. 108 A Smith said one is the most pragmatical fellow under the Sun for he hath always many irons in the fire. 109 The neatest man in a kingdom( said one) is a Barber for he cannot endure to have a hair amiss. 104 Wit bought is better then wit taught, because he that never bought any is but a natural wit. 105 'tis probable that those women that paint most shall live longest, for where the house is kept in repair there is no fear but it will be inhabited. 106 One said that tall men of all others were most happy because they were nearer heaven then all other men. 108 A squint-eyed man( says one) is the most circumspectly of all men because he can look nine ways at once. 109 One said that tal men should be great politicians, because they have an extraordinary reach. 110 One said hang-men were very happy because those men they do most hurt will never be able to render them quid pro quo 116 It is in some sort necessary that some rich men should be Dunces, because the pretenders to learning may get preferment, for the good wits will be able to help themselves. 117 One was saying it was a fine quality to be able to speak well ex tempore, why then said another we may commend every woman for they have the most nimble fluent tongues and that without study or consideration. 118 Hang-men practise their cunning for the most part on good natured men, because they are ready to forgive before the hurt be attempted. 119 he that hath but one eye is more like to hit the mark he aims at then another, because he hath a monstrous sight. 120 glaziers said one must needs be good arbitrators for they spend their whole time in nothing but composing of quarrels. 117 Carpenters said one are the civelest men in a Commonwealth for they never do their business without a Rule. 118 Of all woeful friends a hangman is the most trusty, for if he once have to do with a man he will see him hanged before he shall want money or any thing else. 119 Bricklayers are noteable wanton fellowes for they have always to do with one trull or other. 120 Stationers could not live if men did not believe the old saying, that Wit bought is better then Wit taugbt. 121 Those that carry about with them counterfeit coin are more nice and curious of it, then of good Gold and Silver, for they cannot endure to have that touched of all the rest. 122 Gunners are more serious in what they do, then other men for what they do they do with a powder. 127 Muscattiers of all other Souldiers, are the most lazy for they are always at their rest. 128 One among a company of his companions who had been drinking very much, by chance let a fart, who for conceit sake said to one of his companions with whom he might make bold, pree-thee pledge me, he answered I cannot; he then replied I pray do but kiss the cup. 129 One passing through Cheap side, a poor Woman desired his charity, he disregarding the woman kept on walking, and by and by let a fart: the woman hearing it said much good may it do your worship, he hearing her say so, turns back and gives her a tester; she thanked him and told his worship it was a bad wind that did blow nobody good. 126 A man walking the street let a great— upon which he jestingly said crack me that nut, it being heard of a waggish wench that was in a chamber over his head, who being well provided at that time with a perfu'md chamber-pot, throws it out of the window upon his head saying there's the kernill of your nut Sir. 127 One said a Miller was the fittest husband for a Scold, because when the mill goes if her tongue goes ne're so fast it cannot be heard. 128 One said that Duke Humfrey's guests were the most temperate men in the world, it being known that at his Table there was never any made drunk, nor with his diet dyed of a surfet. 129 One said Physitians had the best of it, for if they did well the world did proclaim it, if ill the earth did cover it. 130 It is a necessary and fit thing that women learn Roman-hand because( saith one) they were never good Secretaries nor ever will be. 131 One saw a man and his wife fighting, the people asked him why he did not part them, he answered that he had been better bread then to part man and wife. 132 One said that Tobacconists would endure the wars well, for they would never be stisted with fire and smoke. 133 A drawer for one thing or other is always appearing at the bar but is not punished, yet notwithstanding 'tis all scored up. 134 Scriveners are most hardharted fellowes for they never rejoice more then when they put other men in bonds. 135 Smiths of all handicrafts men are the most irregular, for they never think themselves better employed, then when they are addicted to their vices. 136 Those which wear long hair are in the readiest way to make good friars, for they may promise to themselves the happiness to enjoy bald crownes without the help of a Barber. 137 Tapsters are not only very rash but very expert, for they are apt to draw upon all occasions, and yet suffer very few to go away scotfree. 138 Of al diseases the three-quarters harm is most dangerous and most desired: for all women desire to multiply though they labour ne're so hard for't. 139 fiddlers are very unfortunate in their calling for they never do any thing but it is against the hair. 140 Trumpeters are much subject to sickly distempers, for commonly when they are most in health they will fall a sounding. 141 One being asked where he thought al woodcocks remained in the Summer-time when they are not seen with us, it was answered in new England. 142 Horse-keepers and Ostlers( let the world go which way it will though there be never so much alteration in times and persons) are still stable men. 143 One said it was no great matter what a drunkard said in his drink, for he seldom spake any thing that he could stand to. 144 A Hypocrite is odious( says one) to God, to Man, and to the devil: God hates him because he is not what he seems, Man hates him because he seems what he is not, and the devil hates him because he seems not what he is truly and indeed. 145 One said of all professions, that Stage-players were the most philosophical men that were, because they were as merry and as well contented when they were in rags as when they were in robes. 146 Great Eaters are the most valiant men, for they never fight but with a good stomach. 147 One asked what the reason was that few women loved to eat eggs? it was answered because they cannot endure to bear the yoke. 148 One drinking of a cup of burnt claret, said he was not able to let it down, another demanded why? he answered because it was read hot. 149 A poor man that lived in the Suburbs of London being owner of a little field had got together so much money to buy two little fields more of an acre of ground apiece, yet he was said to be rich because he had purchased More fields. 150 One said roaring Gallants were like peddlers, because some of them did carry their whole estates upon their backs. 151 One said that some Taylors were like Woodcocks, because they lived by their long bills. 152 An Oculist is excellent at slight of hand, for if he undertake to cure a blind man he will so do it that the patient shall see he does it. 153 One said it was dangerous to wrong a physician, because if he once have to do with a man he will be sure to make him think. 154 An innkeeper bragged he had a bed so large that two hundred Constables had lain in it at one time, meaning two Constables of hundreds. 155 He that bees a horse in Smith field and does not look upon him before he buy him with a pair of spectacles, makes his horse and himself a pair of sorrofull spectacles for others to look on. 156 A prison is a good instrument of reformation, for it makes many rogues and lewd fellowes stayed men. 157 One complaining that his son was a very prodigal, and that he would give an hundred pounds to have him reclaimed: his neighbour that heard him complain, answered let him be a French-Tayler for they make no waste. 158 A wax-chandlers shop being robbed one of his friends came to comfort him, and told him he should not be troubled at it, for he durst undertake his goods would come to light. 159 One demanded of a wild young Gentleman the reason why he would sel his land? who answered because he hoped to go to heaven, which he could not possibly do till he forsook earth. 160 In the Common-wealth of Fishes are many officers: Herring the King, Sword-Fish his guard, Lobsters are Aldermen, Brabs are Constables, and poor Johns the common sort of people. 161 An idle unthrift having nothing left to maintain his humour of good fellowship but his bed, sold it; for which being reproved by some friends, he answered that he could never be well so long as he kept his bed. 162 cobblers may be said to be good men because they set men upright and are ever employed in mending of soles. 163 Two men seeing a handsome Wench but thought to be light, pass by in a very poor habit; the one said it was a wonder to see such a wench so bare, the other replied it was no wonder for she was common. 164 A drunken fellow returning home towards evening, found his wife hard at her spinning, she reproving him for his ill husbandry, and commending her self for her good housewifery, he told her that she had no great cause to chide, for as she had been spinning he came home all the way reeling. 165 An ignorant drunken Suregeon▪ that killed all men that came under his hands, boasted himself a better man then the person; for said he your Cure maintains but yourself but my Cures maintain all the Sextons in the town. 166 A merry fellow said the Alehouse was the only place to thrive in, for he had known many a score made there. 167 musicans may be said to be the best Philosophers, for they will be sure to keep time. 168 A woman that was very imperious over her husband, was nicknamed by a neighbour and called mistress Cap, for which she angerlie demanded his reason, and was answered because she was always above her head. 169 The same woman with her riotous humors having undone her husband and he being broken and fled, the same neighbour reproving her, she bade him not meddle with what did no way belong to him, for she had only broken her own head. 170 A Lady that was painted, told a Gentleman she desired much to have her picture done to the life, to which he answered you need not that Madam, for you are a picture to the life already. 171 A Gentleman whose name was ston, falling off his horse into a deep water out of which he got not without some danger: his companion laughed at the mischance and being reproved, answered that no man but would laugh to see a ston swim. 172 A foolish Gentleman deformed likewise in his person, was called by one a monster, nay surely said another the Gentleman is merely natural. 173 A country fellow asking which way he might go to Bedlam, a Citizen told him the nearest way was to be mad, then, said the Country fellow you horn-mad Citizens may the better direct us that are Country-men. 174 A common wench stepping into a boat fell into the water, and reaching her hand to be helped out, one refused it saying she need not fear drowning for she was so light she could never sink. 175 One threatened a fellow to break his head with a ston, I'll assure you( quoth he) it is a hard matter to break my head with a ston. 176 A boy seemed much delighted with a cobblers work commending and admiring his workmanship, the cobbler pleased with the boyes admiration asked him if he would be of his trade, to which he answered no; for though he loved workmanship he could not endure cobbling. 177 One hearing a rich Gentleman( but ignorant enough) discourse somewhat weakly, how much land there was holden in capite, asked him if his wit was held in capite? to which he answered no; the other asked him again if he had not some fe-simple held in capite? to which he answered yes; and that it did descend to him and his heires forever. 178 A physician demanded money of another for one of his patients that was dead long before, he was answered that it was a work of charity to visit the sick; but if he was so earnest for money the only way was for him to visit the dead, and then he would never want money more. 179 A rich Stationer wished himself a scholar, to whom one answered you are one already, being doctus in libris, nay said the Stationer I am but dives in libris meaning rich in pounds. 180 One boasted himself to be esteemed a wit, saying the world spoken him to be all wit: one standing by that knew him very well, said ist possible that you are taken to be a wit or one that is all-wit, if you be all wit, then your anagram is wit-all. 181 A Gentleman hawk'd in anothers ground, to which the surly owner shewed himself angry, at which the Gentleman spit in his face, what is your reason for that said the farmer? I cry you mercy said the Gentleman I gave you warning for I hawk'd before I spit. 182 One running hastily with a stick of fire in his hand to light a faggot another called him rogue which being angry and demanding his reason? he answered for that he had a brand in his hand. 183 A patient man being domineered over by his wife that was flying about his ears, desired her not to tear his band for he would gladly wear it( if she pleased) without cuffs. 184 One was saying that led was the basest of all other metals: it is true said another but yet it is the stoutest for the glazier will tell you that it keeps more quarrels asunder then any other mettal in the world. 185 A joiner on a time took a pill and it so wrought with him that he had forty stools in a minute of an hour. 186 Carriers said one are wise men, for they will not meddle with any thing but they will know of what moment and weight it is. 187 One whose name was Gun, called a woman whore; she being moved at it had him before a justice of peace about it, the justice reproved him for it, and deeply charged him not to call her so again. As they were going home the woman told him Master Gun you heard what the justice said, I hope being so deeply charged you will henceforward give a better report. 188 One said Painters were cunning fellowes for they had a colour for every thing they did. 189 One asked why kitchinmaids went so sluttishly? in regard they dressed themselves as cleanly as they did their meat. 190 One was holding a stiff argument with a Grocer concerning matters of trade: the Grocers wife bid him leave contesting with her husband, for her husband was able to show him a thousand reasons for one. 191 One said to his friend that had been speaking: I love to hear a man talk nonsense, the other answered I know you love to hear yourself talk as well as any man. 192 One asked why begars stood in the streets begging with brooms in their hands? it was answered because they did with them sweep away the dirt out of peoples sight, which while they had a mind on they would never part with a penny. 193 A Gentleman took up some commodities upon trust in a shop, promising the master of the shop that he would owe him so much money: the master of the shop was therewith very well contented, but seeing that the Gentleman delayed the payment he asked the money: the Gentleman told him he had not promised to pay him, he had promised to owe him so much money and that he would in no wise break his promise, which if he paid him he did. 194 One said he had been kept still to the school and had been made a scholar if he could but have learned to have declined mulier and for that cause was taken from the school. 195 One desired upon his deathbed to have his corps when he was dead stuck with Isop, as is the fashion in divers places: one of his neighbors sitting by told him Time was better; why said the sick man? because said the other unless you be butted in time you will stink that no creature will be able to go with you to the grave. 196 One asked another what Shakespeares works were worth all being bound together? he answered not a farthing; not worth a farthing said he why so? he answered that his plays were worth a great deal of money but he never heard that his works were worth any thing at all. 197 One was commending of the point-makers for good distinct readers and that they red better then any other people whatsoever: another asked his reason he answered that since the fashion of Cassocks came up they kept their points, and that was the only way to make a mans reading graceful. 198 Two Poets being merry in a tavern the one was desirous to be gone, the other entreated him to stay telling him that if he did go away he would make a comedy upon him, you shall get nothing by that replied the other for then I will make a tragedy on thee and in the latter end of it thou shalt hang thyself. 199 One meeting his friend riding on the way without boots asked him about what business he rid? the other told him that his business was of great importance and he was likewise in great hast: I am very doubtful then said he, that your labour is lost: why said he? because quoth the other, you ride of a bootless errand. 200 One being at supper at a friends house it chanced there was mutton and capers for supper: fell into a discourse of dancing saying that he loved it better then any other kind of recreation, by and by taking notice of the capers which he had never seen before, took one upon his trencher cut it in the middle and put the half of it into his mouth: the master of the house observing it, said, Sir it seems you love dancing, very well when you cannot forbear but you must cut capers at supper. 201 A fellow had the pictures of the five senses stolen out of his house, whereupon he came to a justice and desired that the thieves might be bound to the peace, for what said the Justice for stealing your pictures? yes saith he; I thought said the Justice, you had lost your senses, that you talk so idly. 202 One amongst a crowd of people on the top of Pauls steeple had his pocket picked: what villains are these quoth he to pick a mans pocket in the Church! nay Sir said another, you are but robbed upon the high-way. 203 One asked another what gender Hermaphroditus was of, he answered of the neuter. 204 One complained he kenw not how to maintain his barns: be a good husband quoth another and your barns will maintain you. 205 A rude deboist young man was placed by his friends with a Proctor, who observing the misbehaviour of the young man, told his parents he feared their son would never make a civil Lawyer. 206 In some merry company one bid another mend his jests, for they were all cracked: they ought to be so said he, for it is no jest till it be broken. 207 One sitting by the fire to take tobacco, said the fire was his friend and presently spit into it: to which one replied you do not well to quench your friends love by spitting in his face. 208 A saucy fellow abusing a Gentleman whose name was Fisher, the Gentleman strooke him: for which being reproved and threatened with an action; is it not lawful said he for a fisher to strike a jack. 209 Two schollers walking along a River, were stiffly arguing a point and wished for a moderator or a book of some authority: one of them presently espying an angler sitting on a three, cried out, we have our wish! for yonder is piscator upon ramus. 210 Two Gentlemen coming into a tavern, one of them called for a quart of claret, why do you love claret said the other? for my part I'll see i● burnt before I'll drink a dro● of it. 211 A Gentleman showing young student a part of Scotus in this sentence in an old character wherein was printed Dominus Scotus in sententi● and asked him if he was not Dunce Scotus? no replied the scholar that on not be; except V be there. 212 One said Gallants had reason to be good Schollers, because they were deep in many books. 213 One seeing a printed book, that was but one sheet of paper said it was not necessary for any man to libel it for it did penance in a sheet already. 214 One asked which of the letters in the Alphabet were the most authentic in a Bill or Bond? it was answered, IOV. 215 One asked why men and their wives did not agree better now adays? it was answered men were now more learned, and did know that it was false concord that the masculine and femenine gender should agree at all. 216 A scholar that had his study hung round with brown paper was used( when any came in to visit him in his study) to say, he did love sometimes to sit in a brown study. 217 Two being in a tavern, the one swore the other should pledge him: why then quoth the other I will, who went presently down the stairs, and left him as a pledge for the reckoning. 218 One asked wherefore a drum was in the wars? it was answered to stir up valour in the Souldiers; that is strange said ●he other for wheresoever the victory falls the drums are sure to be beaten. 219 One asked why B stood before C? because said another, a man must B before he can C. 220 One asked how long the longest letter in the english Alphabet was? it was answered an L long. 221 One asked why some gentlewomen wore feathers in thei● hats? it was answered because they were light-headed. 232 Two( conspired together) whereof one was a Gold-smith, to steal a silver bole intending to share the business betwixt them, which when they had stolen he that was the goldsmith because it should not be known did gilled it over: it was sentenced when the matter came to scanning, though the other stolen it, yet the gilded of the fact lay upon the gold-smith. 233 One coming by a Sexton( who was making a grave for one Button which was a great tal fellow) asked him for whom that extraordinary long grave was? he answered he had made many longer then that, and said it was but a button hole in respect of some graves that he had made. 234 One said a barber was an active man for if he did once take out his comb he would box a man about the ears and the man scarce feel it. 235 One said a cook of all me had the worst digestion, for▪ soon as he had eaten his meat he would be sure to spit hi● meat up again. 236 A great tall fellow whose name was Way, lay along the street drunk: one went over him, and being asked why he did so, he answered he did but go along the high-way. 237 A Gentleman( that was used to sand his letters by a footpost that was an old flegmatick rotten fellow) complained that he suffered much prejudice because his letters came too late to his friends hands: another standing by told him it was his own fault, because he did sand them by a rotten post. 238 One whose name was You married a woman whose name was You also: he for this cause was and ever will be called Master W. 239 One who had been somewhat bitter to his wife complained to his neighbour( who was a northern man born, and spake accordingly) telling him that she was such a peevish woman that he could not endure to live with her, who advised him not to be so harsh to her but to go to her and so-lace her and then she would be more kind to him. 240 One was saying he wondered why the people in Aethiopia did not writ strait along as we northern people: one answered they writ under the line and that was the reason of it. 241 A Dyer who was an idle drunken fellow was complaining to a scholar that he had very ill fortune in his business, and that commonly those things that he undertook to die were spoiled: the scholar told him that the only way to have this amended was to reform himself, for he that lived ill could never die well. 242 One whose name was Church was telling some of his neighbors that his wife was with child and that he never in his life saw any woman so big before: besides, told them that he feared she would die on child-bed. Whereupon one of them comforted him, saying that there was no cause to fear her death, and for her bigness that was no wonder, in regard she had a church in her belly. 243 A certain man was mightily affencted with a woman whose name was Wall which did use painting very much, his friends did dissuade him from coming near her telling him they did wonder he was so besotted to set his affections upon a painted wall. 244 One( whose husbands name was bean) being delivered of two children at a burden, told the midwife she had been so troubled with wind all the time she was with child that she wondered at it: the midwife said it was no marvel in regard her belly so long had been full of beans. 245 One whose name was mildred being in a tavern took out a new coined six pence, who observing the company to take notice of the brightness of the piece, told them it was a mildred sixpence. 246 One asked what the reason was that some women were so light heel'd now adays? it was answered because they did wear corke-heel'd shoes. 247 One having a play book called the Wits which he much valued, by chance lost it: but while he was chafing and swearing about the loss of his book, in comes one of his friends who asking the cause of his distemper, it was answered that he had lost his wits. 248 One stood to prove that a brewers horse was a tapster because he did draw beer: another answered him it could not be; because though a brewers horse( if he were overladen) would froth, yet he could not nick. 249 One reading of a coranto said he wondered that men did so affect to lie in paper and yet without sheets. 250 One asked what herb that was that cured all diseases? it was answered Time. 251 One being about to writ the superscription of a letter to his mistress, asked a scholar what terms were best to give her? who told him the Venus lasse of his affections was a good word; he mistaking writ to the Venice glass of his affections which was a truer title then he was ware off. 252 An Upholster was chiding his Apprentice because he was not nimble enough at his work, and had not his nailes and hammer in readiness when he should use them, telling him that when he was an Apprentice he was taught to have his nailes at his fingers ends. 253 One whose name was Rapier being a man of a grave calling yet using to wear a white suite was chid for not getting a black scabbard to his rapier. 254 One asked what that young man deserved that did love always to be in a play-house? It was answered a box. 255 One being at a friends house in the night was persuaded to stay all night, but denied saying he would be gone because it was moon light: his friend told him he thought he had not been so lunatic as to love to walk in the moon light. 256 One wondered why there was so many picke-pockets about the streets notwithstanding a watch was at every corner! it was answered that was all one for a pick-pocket would as gladly meet with a watch as any thing else. 257 certain Gossips being a discoursing of the Company their husbands kept, troth says one my husband is no soo●er out of doors but he has as many about him, as there is to see the great beast with two pair of horns. 258 A Company of Country fellows disputing of learning, and what a crooked, hard, and intricat thing it was to be a good scholar: truly says one, and so it is, for I have heard your best latin is in crooked lane. 259 One questioned which were the greatest wonders in the world? 'twas answered womens 〈…〉 tongues; for that they did always lie, yet never lay still. 260 One demanded what creature was most like an ass? he was answered a puritan; in that they had the longest ears. 261 A cobblers wife speaking of the place she lived in before she was married, her prentice mumbling said there was none but whores and Bauds lived there: what's that you say Sirrah quoth she? mary I say there are honester women then yourself lived there. 262 On a Puritan Who is't d'you think, this earth doth here enclose? I know not; why, 'tis a disputing nose. 263 A young lascivious Gallant wanting money, could not with his credit sell any thing: yet, his Father being but lately dead at length was checked by some of his friends for his loose and extravagant life, and withall told that he had base and beastly Asociats that did draw him to ill houses: he taking this opportunity, answered, truly friends your counsel is very good, I will presently go sell my coach and horses. 264 On a cobbler. If any ask why this same ston was made? ( Know) for a cobbler newly underlayd Here for his overboasting; pray condole, Him that translated many a weary sole. 265 A Steward being set on by a thief who commanded him to deliver, he being a Receiver: The Steward replied, I hope you will spare me I being a Receiver also: you shall be, said the thief if you deliver not the sooner. 266 One sitting at dinner where great store of rude mirth was discoursed and laughed at: a prattling youth clapped him on the shoulder, and asked him if he was making verse he was so mute( who replied he was) speak them quoth he? no replied the other; why you cannot speak them in better company: I suppose so quoth the modest man, but two fools at once will be too troublesone. 267 A scholar called a tailor base fellow in a tavern: who swore he would have him to the court of Honour: if you do replied the scholar, look you make your words good, for I would not willingly be the cause of putting it upon record. 268 A Gentleman going along the street was entreated by a poor cripple that had wooden legs to bestow his charity to whom the Gentleman answered if he would make a handsome leg he should have a couple of farthings. 269 A company of Gentlemen coming into a Tavern whose sign was the moon called for a quart of sack the drawer told them they had none? whereat the gentlemen wondering were told by the drawer that the man in the moon always drunk Claret. 270 One that was skilled in writing short hand, promised a lawyers clerk to teach him his skill who thanked him for his pains but told him they could not live by making short hand of any thing. 271 One said a civit cat was a dainty thing to keep in a house because her dung was sweet, another said it was true but yet it was more profitable to keep a cook especially in a dear yee● because he spitted roast. 272 One asked why hard wax was so much in request now a dayes it was answered because the world did wax so hard. 273 A woman having married an old man whose name was Edward( whom she thought had been very rich, but not worth a penny) being asked what she had by her marriage, answered an old Edward. 274 A Gentleman coming in the night to visit an old man who had a handsome wench to his wife, and suspected to be a little too light was entreated by the old man to walk into a room, his wife having a candle in her hand, entreated the gentleman to follow her, who told her he would have her husband( because he was an old man) to follow the light. 274 Two Gentlemen were in a deep dispute whether the man in the moon were a gentleman or a citizen, it was determined by a scholar that when she was at full, there was a gentleman in her, but when she appeared like a horn there was a citizen in her. 275 A justice of peace sending a Cheat to deserved punishment, the Cheater bewailing his hard fortune wished he could as easily learn to commit as the Justice could discover knavery: why, that you may said the Justice; never, replied the Knave without I be put in authority. 276 A Gentleman in wants was ●dvised by his friend to serve a ●oble man that so he might ●aise his fortune: that was said and to refuse a ●esser poverty for ● greater, for although I am ●oore yet I have myself, there 〈◇〉 shall not. 277 A french-man scoffing at the fancies of the English, in admiring their Nation and neglecting their own, was thus answered: We in England esteemed you, as you in France do our hownds for pleasure 278 One scoffingly demanded of a Drawer with a great Crimson face full of high rubyes, when he was at the Barbers? the drawer answered, troth Sir I cannot tell well, but to my best remembrance 'twas much about the time your face was brased. 279 A booke-binder disappointing a scholar of his Books which he had to bind for him, the scholar being angry called him idle Knave; the hinder not long after brought home his books and having received his money for▪ ●●em, desired to know of the scholar why he called him Knave the other day? to deal plainly with thee said the scholar because I would not flatter thee; Why Sir do you think so said the hinder? yes faith replied the scholar; then, I weigh not your words much quoth the hinder, since children and fools speak what they think: I but they are Knaves( said the scholar) that speak against knowledge: Indeed Sir I took you for one of them and so went his way. 281 A foolish melancholy Gentle man riding with his man on the high way suddenly cried out his foot his foot! his man started and desired him to light that he might see what 'twas that hurt him, then pluck off this boot, said he, which being done the man told him, sir here is nothing, then prithee says the gentleman pluck off the other, for sure one of them pained me. 282 A pretty wench but lately come out of the Country in her pouledavis and linsi-woolsy petticoats, living in the strand, was seen not long after in her silks and satins and being by one of her country-women demanded how such might be purchased? faith answered she only for the 〈◇〉 283 A Citizen going out of town with some of his neighbors to hunt, pree-thee sweet heart( says he to his wife) pray that I meet not a Diana and so come home like to Actaeon, horned, or be torn to pieces with the dogs: his wife thinking he had closely jeered her, and thinking to be revenged; said truly husband whether you meet Diana or no, I'll take order you shall not want. 284 Certain Gallants being at a tavern where they spared no liquour: insomuch that all were well entred: but one whose head was somewhat weaker and therefore lighter, did nothing but spew; and calling for a reckoning, why says one of his friends cannot you tell, that have so often cast up what you have drunk. 285 A Gentleman meeting of a married soldier newly come from the wars, demanded what charge he underwent? the Soldier replied a Captaines: truly answered the Gentleman then you may help your wife to an Ancients place for she can bear stoutly. 286 A fellow going down Ludgate-Hill, his heels by chance slipping from him fell upon his breech: one standing by told him that London-stones were stout and scornful; it may be so quoth he, yet I made them to kiss my breech as stout as they were. 287 A Coward told his friend that one gave him a box on the ear and he did not strike him again but turned the other also to him: to which his friend answered sure there was a great fight betwixt you when blows were given on both sides. 288 One asked why Prentices were so brief with their clubs when Gentlemen were falling out or quarreling in the streets? one replied it was their opportunity to be revenged on them for meddling with their mistresses. 289 A Country farmer having a Pound near his house, whereat was a Dunghill which at it's full maturity he sold: on the next market-day amongst other discourse told his neighbors that he had made as good a market as ever he did in his life, for he had sold all his dunghill by the pound: one replied troth neighbour you cannot choose but be rich, I have one to sell, pray neighbour tell me how you sold a pound, and how many hundred weight there was in it. 290 One asked a Gentlewoman in which part of the house she did use to lie? it was answered that she lay backward and did let out her fore-roomes. 291 A company of Gentlemen in a tavern amongst the rest one whose name was Bramble who being very quarrelsome, ere they partend fell to words and so to blows, and had beaten and scratch't one of the Gentlemen in the face that he bled, whogoing home one of his friends meeting him by the way asked the cause how he came to bleed so: No great harm replied he onely( a bramble) by chance scratch't me. 292 One told his friend if he would be pleased to go with him he would bring him to a place where they should have wenches and lobsters by the belly. 293 A shoe-maker sent his man unto a Gentleman who had ought him money a long-time for bootes and shoes that had formerly been made for him; the servant coming to the Gentleman told him his Master would entreat him to sand that little money which was due to him as aforesaid, whereat the Gentleman( rather willing to cavell then pay) in a great rage answered. Thou rogue what doth thy Master think I am running away that he sends after me for such a trifle as this is? No Sir replied the servant, my master doth not think you are about to run away; but he is, and that makes him so earnest with you and others that he might take his money along with him. 294 A Gentleman invited to his table many guests, and provided for them divers dishes of meate, amongst the rest there being a leg of Mutton, one in the company took it and fell so homely to work with it, that he pared off all the flesh and laying it in scraps in the dish called to a servant to break the bone for him, which one perceiving that sat next the gentleman that invited them, jogged him and shewed him how uncivilly the party had behaved himself; whereupon the Gentleman a little moved yet unwilling to be too plain began a tale to the whole table thus, I was quoth he not long since with a friend of mine that much delighted in hunting and after our sport, coming home he would needs see his dogges fed before he would eat any thing himself, which I laboured to dissuade him from, in regard he was in a very faire new white satin suit which might ●mongst the dogs receive some hurt, but rather willed him for that time to suffer some of his servants to do it; all would not prevail but into the yard where the dogs were kept he went, whither he was no sooner come but one of the dogs that was all mire and dirt fell to ramping on him and albeit the dog spoyled his faire suite yet he rebuked not the dog but on the contrary cherished him, which I perceiving said to my friend, Sir what do you mean to suffer a scurvy dog to spoil such a suite as that is, alas replied my friend, what would you have me do to him you see as well as I he is but a puppy. Which was no sooner spoken but by all the table applied to him that had so spoyled the mutton. 295 One asked whence the word Interpreter was derived? it was answered quasi Inter-prater, for one that prated betwixt two that spake several languages. 296 One asked why Chambermaids were more troubled with the greene-sicknesse then other women? it was answered because they used to lie at their Masters beds-feet. 297 One asked what beast in the world might be said to have the best understanding? it was answered a cuckolded. 298 A maid told her mistress she must entreat her to keep more maids, because she was much overlaid. 299 Printers( says one) are the most lawless men in a kingdom for they commit faults eum privilegio. FINIS.