THE RETVRNE FROM PERNASSVS: Or The Scourge of Simony. publicly acted by the Students in Saint Iohns college in Cambridge.  
AT LONDON Printed by G. Eld, for John Wright, and are to bee sold at his shop at Christ church Gate. 1606.   

The Prologue.  Boy, Stagekeeper, Momus, Defensor. Boy. 
SPectators we will act a Comedy ( non plus.  Stageke. 
A poxon't this book hath it not in it, you would be whipped, thou rascal: thou must be sitting up all night at cards, when thou should be cunning your part.  Boy. 
It's all long on you, I could not get my part a night or two before that I might sleep on it.  Stagekeeper carrieth the boy away under his arm. Mo. 
It's even well done, hereis such a stir about a scurvy English show.  deafen. 
scurvy in thy face, thou scurvy jack, if this company were not, you paltry critic Gentleman, you that know what it is to play at primero, or passage. You that haue been student at post and pair, saint and Locadam. You that haue spent all your quarters revenues in riding post one night in Chrismas, bear with the weak memory of a gamester.  Mo. 
Gentlemen, you that can play at noddy, or rather play vpon Noddies: you that can set up a jest, at primero instead of a rest, laugh at the prologue that was taken away in a voyder.  deafen. 
What we present I must needs confess is but slubbered invention: if your wisdom obscure the circumstance, your kindness will pardon the substance.  Mo. 
What is presented here, is an old musty show, that hath lain this twelfe-moneth in the bottom of a coale-house amongst brooms and old shows, an inuension that we are ashamed of, and therfore we haue promised the Copies to the Chandlers to wrap his candles in.  deafen. 
It's but a Christenmas toy, and may it please your curtisies to let it pass.  Mom. 
It ●s a Christmas toy indeed, as good a conceit as slauging hotcockles, or blinde-man buff.  deafen. 
Some humors you shall see aimed at, if not well resembled.  Mom. 
Humors indeed: is it not a pretty humour to stand hammering vpon two indiuidum vagum 2. schollers some whole year. These same Phil. and study: haue been followed with a whip, and a verse like a Couple of Vagabonds through England and Italy. The Pilgrimage to Pernassus, and the return from Pernassus haue stood the honest Stagekeepers in many a Crownes expense: for links and vizardes purchased a Sophister a knock: which a club hindered the buttlers box, and emptied the college barrels, and now unless you know the subject well you may return home as wise as you came, for this last is the least parte of the return from Pernassus, that is both the first& the last time that the Authors wit will turn vpon the to in this vain, and at this time the scene is not at Pernassus, that is, looks not good invention in the face.  deafen. 
If the Catastrophe please you not, impute it to the unpleasing fortunes of discontented schollers.  Mom. 
For Catastrophe ther's never a tale in Sir John Mandeuil, or bevis of Southampton but hath a better turning.  Stagekeeper. 
What you jeering ass, begon with a pox.  Mom. 
You may do better to busy yourself in providing beer, for the show will be pitiful dry, pitiful dry.  Exit. 
No more of this, I heard the spectators ask for a blank verse.  
What we show, is but a Christmas iest,  
conceive of this and guess of all the rest:  
Full-like a schollers hapless fortunes penned,  
Whose former griefs seldom haue happy end.  
Frame as well, we might with easy strain,  
With far more praise, and with as little pain.  
stories of love, where forne the wondering bench,  
The lisping gallant might enjoy his wench.  
Or make some Sire aclowledge his lost son,  
Found when the weary act is almost done.  
Nor unto this, nor unto that our scene is bent,  
We onely show a schollers discontent.  
In scholars fortunes twice forlorn and dead  
twice hath our weary pen erst laboured.  
Making them Pilgrims in Pernassus hill,  
Then penning their return with ruder quill.  
Now we present unto each pitying eye,  
The schollers progres●e in their misery.  
Refined wits your patience is our bliss,  
Too weak our scene: too great your iudgment is.  
To you we seek to show a schollers state,  
His scorned fortunes, his vnpittyed fate.  
To you: for if you did not schollers bless,  
Their case( poor case) were too too pitiless.  
You shade the muses under fostering,  
And make them leave to sigh, and learn to sing.   

The names of the Actors.  

Dramatis Persona.  
Ingenioso.  
judicio.  
Danter.  
Philomusus.  
Studioso.  
Furor Poeticus.  
Phantasma.  
Patient.  
Rhichardetto.  
Theodore physician.  
burgess patient.  
Iaques, studioso.  
Academico.  
Amorotto.  
page..  
signior Immerito.  
Stercutio his father.  
Sir frederick.  
Recorder.  
page..  
Prodigo.  
Burbage.  
Kempe.  
fiddlers.  
Patients man.    



Actus 1. Scena 1.  Ingenioso, with Iuuenall in his hand. Ingenioso. 
DIfficile est, Satyram non scribere, nam quis iniquae  
Tam patience urbis, tam furens vt teneat se?  
I, Iuuenall: thy ierking hand is good,  
Not gently laying on, but fetching blood.  
So surgean-like thou dost with cutting heal,  
Where nought but launching can the wound avail.  
O suffer me, among so many men,  
To tread aright the traces of thy pen.  
And light my link at thy eternal flamme,  
Till with it I brand everlasting shane,  
On the world's forehead and with thine own spirit,  
Pay home the world according to his merit.  
Thy purer soul could not endure to see,  
even smallest spots of base impurity:  
Nor could small faults escape thy cleaner hands,  
Then foul faced 'vice was in his swaddling bands.  
Now like Anteus grown a monster is,  
A match for none but mighty Hercules.  
Now can the world practise in plainer guise,  
Both sins of old and new born villainies.  
Stale sins are stolen: now doth the world begin  
To take sole pleasure in a witty sin.  
unpleasant is the lawless sin has been,  
At midnight rest, when darkness covers sin.  
It's Clownish unbeseeming a young Knight,  
unless it dare outface the gloring light.  
Nor can it nought our gallants praises reap,  
Vnlesse'it be done in staring cheap.  
In a sinne-guilty Coach not cloasely penned,  
Iogging along the harder pavement.  
Did not fear check my repining spirit,  
soon should my angry ghost a story writ.  
In which I would new fostered sins combine,  
Not known erst by truth telling Aretine.   

Scena 2.  Enter Iud Ingenioso, judicio. Iud. 
What Ingenioso, carrying a Vinegar bottle about thee, like a great schole-boy giuing the world a bloody nose?  Ing. 
Faith judicio, if I carry the vinegar bottle, it's great reason I should confer it vpon the bald pated world: and again, if my kitchen want the vtensilies of viands, it's great reason other men should haue the sauce of vinegar, and for the bloody nose, judicio, I may chance indeed give the world a bloody nose, but it shall hardly give me a crakt crown, though it gives other Poets french crownes.  Iud. 
I would wish thee Ing. to sheathe thy pen, for thou canst not be successful in the fray, considering thy enemies haue the advantage of the ground.  Ing. 
Or rather Iud. they haue the grounds with advantage, and the french crownes with a pox, and I would they had them with a plague too: but hang them swadds, the basest corner in my thoughts is too gallant a room to lodge them in, but say judicio, what news in your press, did you keep any late corrections vpon any tardy pamphlets?  Iud. 
Veterem jubes renouare dolorem Ing. what ere befalls thee, keep thee from the trade of the corrector of the press.  Ing. 
Mary so I will, I warrant thee, if poverty press not too much, Ile correct no press but the press of the people.  Iud. 
Would it not grieve any good spirits to sit a whole month nitting out a lousy beggarly Pamphlet, and like a needy physician to stand whole yeares, tossing and tumbling, the filth that falleth from so many draughty inventions as daily swarm in our printing house?  Ing. 
Come( I think) we shall haue you put finger in the eye and cry, O friends, no friends, say man what new paper hobby horses, what rattle babies are come out in your late May morris dounce?  Iud. 
Sly my rhymes as thick as flies in th●e sun, I think there be never an alle house in England, not any so base a may pole on a country green, but sets forth some poets petternels or demilaunces to the paper wa●res in Paules Church yard.  Ing. 
And well too may the issue of a strong hop learn to hop all over England, when as better wits sit like lame cobblers in their studies. Such barmy heads will always be working, when as sad vinegar wits sit souring at the bottom of a barrel: plain Meteors, bread of the exhalation of Tobacco, and the vapours of a moist pot, that sour up into the open air, when as sounder wit keeps below.  Iud. 
Considering the furies of the times, I could better endure to se those young Can quaffing hucksters shoot of their pellets so they would keep them from these English flores-poetarum, but now the world is come to that pass, that there starts up every day an old goose that sits hatching up those eggs which haue ben filcht from the nest of crows and Kestrells: here is a book king: why to condemn it to clear the usual tyburn of all missiuing papers, wear too faire a death for so foul an offender.  Ing. 
What's the name of it, I pray thee Iud?  Iud. 
look its here Beluedere.  Ing. 
what a belwether in Paules Churchyeard, so called because it keeps a bleating, or because it hath the tinkling bel of so many Poets about the neck of it, what is the rest of the title.  Iud. 
The garden of the Muses.  Ing. 
What haue we here, the Poet garish gaily bedeket like fore horses of the parish? what follows.  Iud. 
Quem referent musae, vivet dum roboratellus,  
Dum caelum stellas, dum vehit amnis aquas.  
Who blurres fair paper, with foul bastard rhymes,  
Shall live full many an age in latter times:  
Who makes a ballet for an ale house door,  
Shall live in future times for ever more.  
Then( 〈◇〉) thy muse shall live so long,  
As drafty ballats to thy praise are song.  
But what's his devise, Parnassus with the sun and the laurel: I wonder this owl dares look on the sun and I maruaill this goose flies not the laurel: his devise might haue been better a fool going in to the market place to be seen, with this motto scribimus indocti, or a poor beggar gleaning of ears in the end of harvest, with this word, sua cuique gloria.  Iud. 
turn over the leaf king: and thou shalt see the pains of this worthy gentleman, Sentences gathered out of all kind of Poetts, referred to certain methodical heads, profitable for the use of these times, to rhyme vpon any occasion at a little warning: red the names.  Ing. 
So I will, if thou wilt help me to censure them. 

edmond Spencer.  
Henry Constable.  
Thomas Lodge.  
Samuel daniel.  
Thomas Watson.  
michael Drayton.  
John Dauis.  
John Marston.  
Kit: Marlowe.   Good men and true; stand together: hear your censure, what's thy iudgement of Spencer?  Iud. 
A sweeter swan then ever song in Poe,  
A shriller Nightingale then ever blessed  
The prouder groves of self admiring Rome.  
blithe was each valley, and each sheapeard proud,  
While he did chant his rural minstralsye.  
attentive was full many a dainty ear.  
Nay hearers hung vpon his melting tongue,  
While sweetly of his Faiery queen he song.  
While to the waters fall he tuned for famed,  
And in each bark engrau'd Elizaes name.  
And yet for all this, unregarding soil  
Vnlac't the line of his desired life,  
Denying maintenance for his dear relief.  
careless care to prevent his exequy,  
Scarce deigning to shut up his dying eye.  Ing. 
Pitty it is that gentler wits should breed,  
Where thickskin chuffes laugh at a schollers need.  
But softly may our honors ashes rest,  
That lye by merry Chancers noble chest.  
But I pray thee proceed briefly in thy censure, that I may be proud of myself, as in the first, so in the last, my censure may jump with thine. Henry Constable, Samuel Daniel, Thomas lodge, Thomas Watson.  Iud. 
sweet Constable doth take the wondering ear,  
And lays it up in willing prisomment:  
sweet hony dropping daniel doth wage  
war with the proudest big Italian,  
That melts his heart in sugared sonetting.  
Onely let him more sparing make use,  
Of others wit, and use his own the more:  
That well may scorn base imitation.  
For Lodge and Watson, men of some desert,  
Yet subject to a critics marginal.  
Lodge for his oar in every paper boat,  
He that turns over Galen every day,  
To sit and simper Euphues legacy.  Ing. 
Michael Drayton.  
Draytons sweet muse is like a sanguine dy,  
Able to ravish the rash gazers eye.  Ing. 
How ever he wants one true note of a Poet of our times, and that is this, he cannot swagger it well in a tavern, nor domineer in a hothouse.  Iud. 
John Dauis.  
Acute John Dauis, I affect thy rhymes,  
That ierck in hidden charms these loser times:  
Thy plainer verse, thy vnaffected vain,  
Is graced with a fair and a sooping train.  Ing. 
lock and Hudson.  Iud. 
lock and Hudson, sleep you quiet shauers, among the thanksgivings of the press, and let your books lye in some old nooks amongst old bootes and shoes, so you may avoyde my censure.  Ing. 
Why then clap a lock on their feet, and turn them to commons.  
John Marston.  Iud. 
What monsieur Kinsayder, lifting up your leg and pissing against the world, put up man, put up for shane.  
Me thinks he is a Ruffian in his style,  
without bands or garters ornament,  
He quaffes a cup of frenchmans Helicon.  
Then roister doyster in his oily terms,  
cuts, thrusts, and foines at whomesoeuer he meets.  
And strewes about Ram-ally meditations,  
Tut what cares he for modest close couched terms,  
Cleanly to gird our loser libertines.  
give him plain naked words stripped from their shirts  
That might beseem plain dealing Aretine:  
I there is one that backs a paper stead  
And manageth a pen-knife gallantly,  
Strikes his poinado at a buttons breadth,  
Brings the great battering ram of terms to towns  
And at first volley of his Cannon shot,  
Batters the walls of the old fustie world.  Ing. 
Christopher Marlowe.  Iud. 
Marlowe was happy in his buskind muse,  
Alas unhappy in his life and end,  
Pitty it is that wit so ill should dwell,  
Wit lent from heaven, but vices sent from hell.  Ing. 
Our theatre hath lost, Pluto hath got,  
A tragic penman for a driery plot.  
benjamin johnson.  Iud. 
The wittiest fellow of a Bricklayer in England.  Ing. 
A mere Empyrick, one that gets what he hath by observation, and makes onely nature privy to what he endites, so slow an inventor, that he were better betake himself to his old trade of Bricklaying, a bold whoreson, as confident now in making of a book, as he was in times past in laying of a brick.  
William Shatespeare.  Iud. 
Who loues Adonis love, or Lucre's rape,  
His sweeter verse contains hart robbing life,  
Could but a graver subject him content,  
Without loues foolish lazy languishment.  Ing. 
Churchyard.  
Hath not Shor's wife although a light skirts she,  
given him a chast long lasting memory?  Iud. 
No all light pamphlets once I finden shall,  
A Churchyard and a grave to bury all.  Ing. 
Thomas Nashdo.  
I hear is a fellow judicio that carried the deadly stock in his pen, whose muse was armed with a gagtooth, and his pen possessed with Hercules furies.  Iud. 
Let all his faults sleep with his mournful chest,  
And then for ever with his ashes rest.  
His style was witty, though he had some gal,  
Something he might haue mended; so may all.  
Yet this I say, that for a mother wit,  
few men haue ever seen the like of it.  Ing. reads the rest. Iud. 
As for these, they haue some of them been the old hedgstaket of the press, and some of them are at this instant the botts and glanders of the printing house. Fellowes that stand onely vpon terms to serve the term, with their blotted papers, writ as men go to stool, for needs, and when they writ, they writ as a bear pisses, now and then drop a pamphlet.  Ing. 
Durum telum necessitas. Good faith they do as I do, exchange words for money, I haue some traffic this day with Danter, about a little book which I haue made, the name of it is a Catalogue of Cambrige Cuckolds, but this Beluedere, this methodical ass, hath made me almost forget my time: Ile now to Paules Churchyard meet me an hour hence, at the sign of the Pegasus in Cheap-side, and Ile moist thy temples with a cup of Claret, as hard as the world goes.  Ex. judicio.  

Actus 1. Scena 3.  Enter Danter the Printer. Ing. 
Danter thou art deceived, wit is dearer then thou takest it to bee, I tell thee this libel of Cambridge has much fat and pepper in the nose: it will sell sheerely underhand, when al these books of exhortations and catechisms, lye moulding on thy shopbourd.  Dan. 
It's true, but good faith M. Ingenioso, I lost by your last book, and you know there is many a one that pays me largely, for the printing of their inventions, but for all this you shall haue 40. shillings and an odd pottle of wine.  Ing. 
40. Shillings? a fit reward for one of your reumatick poets, that beslauers all the paper he comes by, and furnishes the Chaundlers with wast papers to wrap candles in: but as for me, Ile be paid dear even for the dregs of my wit: little knows the world what belong to the keeping of a good wit in waters, dietts, drinckes, Tobacco, &c. it is a daynty and costly creature, and therefore I must be paid sweetly: furnish me with money, that I may put myself in a new suit of clothes, and Ile suite thy shop with a new suite of terms: it's the gallantest Child my invention was ever delivered off. The title is, a Chronicle of Cambrige Cuckolds: here a man may see what day of the month such a mans commons were enclosed, and when thrown open, and when any entailed some odd crownes, vpon the heires of their bodies unlawfully begotten: speak quickly ells I am gone.  Dan. 
Oh this will sell gallantly: Ile haue it whatsoever it cost, will you walk on M. Ingenioso, weele fit over a cup of wine and agree on it.  Ing. 
A cup of wine is as good a Constable as can be, to take up the quarrel betwixt vs.  Exeunt.  

Actus 1. scena 4.  Philomusus in a physicians habit: Sudioso that is Iaques man, And patient. Phil. 
Tit tit Tit, non point, non debet fieri phlebetomotio in coitu Lunae: here is a Recîpe.  Pat. 
A Recîpe.  Phil. 
Nos Gallia non Curamus quantitatem syllabarum: Let me hear how many stools you do make. adieu monsieur, adieu good monsieur, what Iaques Il n' a person apres icy.  Stud. 
Non.  Phil. 
Then let us steal time for this borrowed shape,  
Recounting our unequal happs of late.  
Late did the Ocean grasp us in his arms,  
Late did we live within a stranger air:  
Late did we see the cinders of great Rome  
We thought that English fugitives there eat  
Gold, for restorative, if gold were meate.  
Yet now we find by bought experience,  
That where so ere we wander up and down,  
On the round shoulders of this masly world,  
Or our ill fortunes, or the worlds ill eye  
Forspeake our good, procures our misery.  Stud. 
So oft the northern wind with frozen wings,  
Hath beate the flowers that in one garden grew:  
thrown down the stalks of our aspiring youth,  
So oft hath winter nipped our trees faire rind,  
That now we seem nought but two bared boughs,  
Scorned by the basest bide that chirps in groaue.  
Nor Rome, nor rheims that wonted ar to give,  
A cardinal cap, to discontented clerks,  
That haue forsook the home-bred thanked roofs,  
yielded us any equal maintenance:  
And it's as good to starve 'mongst English swine,  
As in a foreign land to beg and pine:  Phil. 
Ile scorn the world that scorneth me again.  Stud. 
Ile vex the world that works me so much pain.  Phil. 
Fly lame reuengings power, the world well weenes.  Stud. 
flies haue there spleen, each sylly ant his teenes.  Phil. 
We haue the words they the possession haue.  Stud. 
We all are equal in our latest grave.  Phil. 
soon then: O soon may we both graved be.  Stud. 
Who wishes death, doth wrong wise destiny,  Phil. 
It's wrong to force life, loathing men to breath.  Stud. 
It's sin for doomed day to wish thy death.  Phil. 
Too late our souls flit to their resting place.  Stud. 
Why mans whole life is but a breathing space.  Phil. 
A painful minute seems a tedious year.  Stud. 
A constant mind eternal woes will bear.  Phil. 
When shall our souls their wearied lodge foregoe?  Stud. 
When we haue tired misery and woe.  Phil. 
soon may then fates this gale deliver sand vs.  
Small woes vex long great woes quickly end vs.  
But lets leave this capping of times Studioso, and follow our late devise, that wee may maintain our heads in caps our bellies in provender, and our backs in saddle and bridle: hitherto wee haue sought all the honest means we could to live,& now let us dare, aliquid breuibus gracis and carcere dignum: let us run through all the lewd forms of lime-twig purloining villainies, let us prove coney catchers bawds, or any thing, so we may rub-out, and first my plot for playing the french Doctor that shall hold: our lodging stand here filthy in shoe lane, for if our comings in be not the better, London may shortly throw an old shoe after us, and with those shredds of French, that we gathered up in our hostes house in Paris, wee'l guile the world, that hath in estimation foreign Phisitians,& if any of the hidebound bretheren of Cambridge and oxford, or any of those Stigmatick maisters of arte, that abused us in times past, leave their own Phisitians, and became our patients, wee'l alter quiter the style of them, for they shal never hereafter writ, your Lordships most bound: but your Lordships most laxative.  Stud. 
It shalbe so, see what a little verimine poverty altereth a whole milky disposition.  Phil. 
So then myself streight with reuenge Ile seat,  Stud. 
provoked patience grows intemperate.   

Actus 1. Scena 5.  Enter Richardetto, Iaques, scholar learning french. jaq. 
How now my little knave, kill nouelle monsieur.  Richar. 
Ther's a fellow with a night cap on his head, an vrinal in his hand, would fain speak with master Theodore.  jaq. 
parley Francoyes moun petit' garsoun.  Richard. 
Hy a vn home aue le bonnet de 〈◇〉 
La teste  et vn vrinell in la mens, queen veut parter, 〈◇〉 
Theodore   jaq. 
Foc beieu.  Theod. 
Iaques a bonus.  Exeunt  

Actus. 1. Scen. 6.  Furor poeticus: and presently after enters Phantasma. Furor poeticus rapt within contemplation. 
Why how now Pedant Phebus, are you smoutching Thalia on her tender lips? There hoie: peasant avaunt: come Pretty shortnosd nymph: oh sweet Thalia, I do kiss thy foot. What Cleio? O sweet Cleio, nay pray thee do not weep Melpomene. What urania, Polimnia, and Calliope, let me do reverence to your deities.  Phantasma pulls him by the sleeve. Fur. 
I am your holy swain, that night and day,  
Sit for your sakes rubbing my wrinkled brow,  
Studying a month for on epithet.  
Nay silver Cinthia, do not trouble me:  
strait will I thy Endimions story writ,  
To which thou hastest me on day and night.  
You light skirt stars, this is your wonted guise,  
By glomy light perk out your doubtful heads:  
But when Don Phebus shows his flashing snout,  
You are sky puppies, streight your light is out.  Phan. 
So ho, Furor.  
Nay prithee good Furor in sober sadness,  Furor. 
Odi profanum vulgus et arceo.  Phan. 
Nay sweet Furor, ipsae te Tytire pinus,  Furor. 
Ipsi te fontes, ipsa haec arbusta vocarunt.  
Who's that runs headlong on my quills sharp point.  
That wearied of his life and base breath,  
Offers himself to an Iambicke verse.  Phant. 
Si quoties peccant homines, sua fulmina mittat  
jupiter, exiguo tempore inermis erit.  Fur. 
What slimye bold presumtious groom is he,  
Dares with his rude audacious hardy chat,  
Thus sever me from skibbered contemplation?  Phant. 
Carmina vel caelo possunt deducere lunam.  Furor. 
Oh Phantasma: what my individual mate?  
O mihi post nullos Furor memorande sodales,  Furor. 
Say whence comest thou? sent from what deytye?  
From great Apollo or sly mercury.  Phan. 
I come from the little Mercury, Ingenioso, For,  
Ingenio pollet cvi vim natura negauit.  Furor. 
Ingenioso?  
He is a pretty glister of slight prose:  
But there's no spirit in his groaueling speech,  
Hang him whose verse can not out-belch the wind:  
That cannot beard and brave Don aeolus,  
That when the cloud of his invention breaks,  
Cannot out-cracke the scarr-crow thunderbolt.  Phan. 
Hang him, I say, Pendo pependi, tendo tetendi, pedo pepedi. Will it please you master Furor, to walk with me. I promised to bring you to a drinking inn, in Cheapside at the sign of the nagges head. For,  
Tempore lenta pati fraena docentur equi.  Furor. 
pass thee before, Ile come incontinent.  Phan. 
Nay faith master Furor, lets go together, Quoniam Conuenimus ambo.  Furor. 
lets march on unto the house of famed:  
There quaffing bowls of Bacchus blood full nimbly,  
indite a Tiptoe, strouting poesy.  They offer the way one to the other. Phan. 
Quo me Bacche rapis tui plenum.  
Tu maior: tibi me est aequum parere Menalca.    


Act. secundus: Scena. 3.  Enter Philom. Theod. his patient the burgess, and his man with his state. Theod. puts on his spectacles. 
Mounseiur here are atomi Natantes, which do make show your worship to be as lecherous as a bull.  Burg. 
truly master Doctor we are all men.  Theod. 
This vater is intention of heat, are you not perturbed with an ache in your race, or in your occiput. I mean your head piece, let me feel the pulse of your little finger.  Burg. 
Ile assure you M. Theodour, the pulse of my head beats exceedingly, and I think I haue disturbed myself by studying the penal statutes.  Theod. 
Tit, Tit, your worship takes cares of your speeches. O, courae leues loquuntur, ingentes stoupent, it is an aphorism in Galen.  Burg. 
And what is the exposition of that?  Theod. 
That your worship must take a glad, vt emittatur sanguis: the sign is for execellent, for excellent.  Burg. 
Good master Doctor use me gently, for mark you Sir, there is a double consideration to be had of me: first as I am a public magistrate, secondly as I am a private butcher: and but for the worshipful credit of the place, and office wherein I now stand and live, I would not hazard my worshipful apparel, with a suppositor or a glister: but for the countenancing of the place, I must go oftener to stool, for as a great gentleman  told me of good experience, that it was the chief note of a magistrate, not to go to the stool without a physician.  Theo. 
A, vous ettes vn gentle home vraiment, what ho Iaques, Iaques, dou e vous? vn fort gentel purgation for monsieur burgess.  jaq. 
Voste trees humble seruiture a vostre commandement.  Theod. 
Donne vous vn gentle purge a monsieur burgess. I haue considered of the crasis, and syntoma of your disease, and here is vn fort gentle purgation per euacuationem excrementorum, as we physicians use to parley.  Burg. 
I hope master Doctor you haue a care of the countries officer, I tell you I durst not haue trusted myself with every physician, and yet I am not afraid for myself, but I would not deprive the town of so careful a magistrate.  Theod. 
O monsieur, I haue a singular care of your valetudo, it is requisite that the French physicians be learned and careful, your English velvet cap is malignant and envious.  Burg. 
Here is master Doctor four pence your due, and eight pence my bounty, you shall hear from me good master Doctor, farewell farewell, good master Doctor.  Theod. 
Adieu good monsieur, adieu good Sir moun●ier.  
Then burst with tears unhappy graduate:  
Thy fortunes still wayward and backward been:  
Nor canst thou thrive by virtue, nor by sin.  Stud. 
Oh how it grieves my vexed soul to see,  
Each painted ass in chair of dignity:  
And yet we grovel on the ground alone,  
Running through every trade, yet thrive by none.  
More we must act in this lives Tragedy▪  Phi. 
Sad is the plot, sad the Catastrophe.  Stud. 
Sighs are the Chorus in our Tragedy,  Phil. 
And rented thoughts continual actors bee.  Stud. 
Woe is the subject:  Phil. 
earth the loathed stage,  
Whereon we act this feigned parsonage.  
Mosly 
most like  barbarians the spectators be,  
That sit and laugh at our calamity.  Phil. 
Band be those houres when 'mongst the learned throng  
By Grantaes muddy bank we whilom song,  Stud. 
Band be that hill which learned wits adore,  
Where erst we spent our stock and little store:  Phi. 
Band be those musty mews, where we haue spent,  
Our youthful daies in paled langushment.  Stud. 
Band be those cozening arts that wrought our woe,  
Making us wandring pilgrims to and fro.  Phil. 
And pilgrims must we be without relief,  
And wheresoever we ruir there meets us grief.  Stud. 
Where ever we toss vpon this crabbed stage  
grief's our companion, patience be our page..  Phil. 
Ah but this patience is a page. of ruth,  
A tired lackey to our wandering youth.   

Actus. 2. Scena. 2.  Academico solus. Acad. 
fain would I haue a living, if I could tel how to come by it. echo. Buy it.  
Buy it fond Ecc? why thou dost greatly mistake it. Ecc. stake it.  
Stake it? what should I stake at this game of simony? Ecc: money  
What is the world a game, are livings gotten by playing? echo. Paying.  
Paying? but say what's the nearest way to come by a living? echo. Giuine.  
Must his worships fists bee needs then oiled with Angells? echo. Angels.  
Ought his gouty fists then first with gold to be greased? echo. Eased.  
And is it then such an ease for his asses back to carry money? echo. I.  
Will then this golden ass bestow a vicarige guilded? echo. Gelded.  
What shall I say to good Sir Roderick that haue gold here? echo. could cheer.  
Ile make it my loan request, that he would be good to a scholar. echo, choler,  
Yea, will he be choleric, to hear of an art or a science? echo, hence.  
Hence with liberal arts, what then will he do with his chancel? Echo, sell.  
Sell it? and must a simplo clerk be fain to compound then? echo. pounds then.  
What if I haue no pounds, must then my suit be proroagued? echo. Roagued.  
Yea? given to a rogue? shall an ass this vicarage compass? echo, ass.  
What is the reason that I should not be as fortunate as he? echo. ass he.  
Yet for al this, with a penilesse purse will I trudg to his worship echo. words cheap.  
well, if he give me good words, it's more thē I haue from an echo. Ecch. go.   

Actus. 2. Scena. 3.  Amoretto with an ovid in his hand. Immerito. Amoret. 
Take it on the word of a gentleman, thou cannot haue it a penny under, think out, think on it, while I meditate on my fair mistress.  
Nunc sequor imperium magne Cupido tuum.  
What ere become of this dull threadbare clerk,  
I must be costly in my mistresses eye:  
ladies regard not ragged company.  
I will with the revenues of my chafred church,  
First buy an ambling hobby for my fair:  
Whose measured place may teach the world to dance,  
Proud of his burden when he 'gins to prance:  
Then must I buy a jewel for her ear,  
A Kirtle of some hundred crownes or more:  
With these fair gifts when I accompanied go,  
Sheele give Ioues breakfast: Sidny terms it so.  
I am her needle: she is my Adamant,  
She is my fair Rose, I her unworthy prick.  Acad. 
Is there no body here will take the pains to geld his mouth?  Amor. 
Sh's Cleopatra, I mark Anthony,  Acad. 
No thou art a mere mark for good wits to shoot at: and in that suite thou wilt make a fine man to dash poor crows out of countenance.  Amor. 
She is my moon, I her endymion,  Acad. 
No she is thy shoulder of mutton, thou her onion: or she may be thy Luna, and thou her lunatic.  Amo. 
I her Aeneas, she my Dido is.  Acad. 
She is thy jo, thou her brazen ass,  
Or she Dame fantasy and thou her guile:  
She thy Pasiphae, and thou her loving bull.   

Actus. 2. Scena. 4.  Enter Immerito, and Stercutio his father, Ster. 
son, is this the gentleman that sells us the living?  Im. 
fie father, thou must not call it selling, thou must say is this the gentleman that must haue the gratuito?  Acad. 
What haue we here, old trupenny come to town, to fetch away the living in his old greasy slops, then Ile none: the time hath been when such a fellow meddled with nothing but his plowshare, his spade, and his hobnayles, and so to a piece of bread and chief, and went his way: but now these fellowes are grown the onely factors for preferment.  Ster. 
O is this the grating gentleman, and how many pounds must I pay?  Im. 
O thou must not call them pounds, but thanks, and hark thou father, thou must tell of nothing that is done: for I must seem to come clear to it.  Acad. 
Not pounds but thanks: see whether this simplo fellow that hath nothing of a scholar, but that the draper hath blacked him over, hath not gotten the style of the time.  Ster. 
By my faith son look for no more portion.  Im. 
Well father, I will not, vpon this condition, that when thou haue gotten me the gratuito of the living, thou will likewise disburse a little money to the bishops poser, for there are certain questions I make scruple to be posed in.  Acad. 
He means any question in latin, which he counts a scruple, oh this honest man could never abide this popish tongue of latin, oh he is as true an English man as lives.  Ster. 
Ile take the gentleman now, he is in a good vain, for he smiles.  Amor. 
sweet ovid, I do honour every page..  Acad. 
Good ovid that in his life time, lived with the Getes, and now after his death converseth with a Barbarian.  Ster. 
God bee at your work Sir: my son  told me you were the grating gentleman, I am Stercutio his father Sir, simplo as I stand here.  Acad. 
Fellow, I had rather given thee an hundred pounds, then thou should haue put me out of my excellent meditation, by the faith of a gentleman I was rapt in contemplation.  Im. 
Sir you must pardon my father, he wants bringing up.  Acad. 
mary it seems he hath good bringing up, when he brings up so much money.  Ster. 
indeed Sir, you must pardon me, I did not know you were a gentleman of the Temple before.  Amor. 
Well I am content in a generous disposition to bear with country education, but fellow whats thy name?  Ster. 
My name Sir, Stercutio Sir.  
Why then Stercutio, I would be very willing to be the instrument to my father, that this living might be conserted vpon your son: mary I would haue you know, that I haue been importuned by two or three several lords, my kind cozins, in the behalf of some Cambridge man: and haue almost engaged my word. Mary if I shall see your disposition to be more thankful then other men, I shalbe very ready to respect kind natured men: for as the Italian proverb speaketh well, Chi ha haura.  Acad. 
why here is a gallant young drover of livings.  Ster. 
I beseech you sir speak English, for that is natural to me& to my son, and all our kindred, to understand but one language.  Amor. 
Why thus in plain english: I must be respected with thanks.  Acad. 
This is a subtle tractiue, when thanks may be felt and seen.  Ster. 
And I pray you Sir, what is the lowest thanks that you will take?  Acad. 
The very same Method that he useth at the buying of an ox.  Amor. 
I must haue some odd sprinkling of an hundred pounds, if so, so, I shall think you thankful, and command your son as a man of good gifts to my father.  Acad. 
A sweet world, give an hundred pounds, and this is but counted thankfulness.  Ster. 
hark thou Sir, you shall haue 80. thankes.  Amor. 
I tell thee fellow, I never opened my mouth in this kind so cheap before in my life. I tel thee, few young Gentlemen are found that would deal so kindly with thee as I do.  Ster. 
Well Sir, because I know my son to be a toward thing and one that hath taken all his learning on his own head, without sending to the vniuersitye, I am content to give you as many thankes as you ask, so you will promise me to bring it to pass.  Amor. 
I warrant you for that: if I say it once, repair you to the place, and stay there, for my father, he is walked abroad to take the benefit of the air. Ile meet him as he returns, and make way for your suite.  Exeunt Ster. Im.  

Act. 2. Scen. 5.  Enter Academico. Amoretto. Amor. 
Gallant, I faith.  Acad. 
I see we schollers fish for a living in these shallow foardes without a silver hoock. Why, would it not gal a man to see a spruse gartered youth, of our college a while ago, be a broker for a living,& an old bawd for a bnfice? This sweet Sir proffered me much kindness when he was of our college, and now Ile try what wind remains in his bladder. God save you Sir.  Amor. 
By the mass I fear me I saw this Genus& Species in Cambridge before now: Ile take no notice of him now: by the faith of a gentleman this is pretty Ellegy. Of what age is the day fellow? Syrrha boy, hath the groom saddled my hunting hobby? can Robin hunter tel where a hare sits.  Acad. 
See a poor old friend of yours, of S. 〈◇〉 college in Cambridge.  Am. 
Good faith Sir you must pardon me. I haue forgotten you.  Acad. 
My name is Academico Sir, one that made an oration for you once on the queens day, and a show that you got some credit by.  Amor. 
It may be so, it may bee so, but I haue forgotten it: mary yet I remember there was such a fellow that I was very beneficial unto in my time. But howsoever Sir, I haue the courtesy of the town for you. I am sorry you did not take me at my fathers house: but now I am in exceeding great hast, for I haue vowed the death of a hare that wee found this morning musing on her meaze.  Acad. 
Sir I am emboldened, by that great acquaintance that heretofore I had with you, as likewise it hath pleased you heretofore.  Amor. 
look syrrha, if you see my Hobby come hetherward as yet.  Acad. 
To make me some promises, I am to request your good mediation to the worshipful your father, in my behalf: and I will dedicate to yourself in the way of thankes, those dayes I haue to live  Amor. 
O good Sir, if I had known your mind before, for my father hath already given the induction to a Chapdame of his own, to a proper man, I know not of what university he is.  Acad. 
signor Immerito, they say, hath bidden fairest for it.  Amor. 
I know not his name, but he is a grave discreet man I warrant him, indeed he wants utterance in some measure.  Acad. 
Nay, me thinks he hath very good utterance, for his gravity, for he came hither very grave, but I think he will return light enough, when he is rid of the heavy element he carries about him.  Amor. 
Faith Sir, you must pardon me, it is my ordinary custom to be too studious, my mistress hath told me of it often, and I find it to hurt my ordinary discourse: but say sweet Sir, do ye effect the most gentle-man-like game of hunting.  Acad. 
How say you to the crafty guile, he would fain get me abroad to make sport with me in their Hunters terms, which we schollers are not acquainted with: sir I haue loned this kind of sport, but now I begin to hate it, for it hath been my luck always to beat the bush, while another killed the Hare.  Amor. 
Hunters luck, Hunters luck Sir, but there was a fault in your Hounds that did spend well.  Acad. 
Sir I haue had worse luck always at hunting the Fox.  Am. 
What sir do you mean at the vnkennelling, vntapezing, or earthing of the Fox.  Acad. 
I mean earthing, if you term it so, for I never found yellow earth enough to cover the old Fox your father.  Amor. 
Good faith sir, there is an excellent skill in blowing for the terriers, it is a word that we hunters use when the Fox is earthed, you must blow one long, two short, the second wind one long two short: now sir in blowing, every long containeth 7. quavers, one short containeth 3. quavers.  Acad. 
Sir might I find any favour in my suit, I would wind the horn wherein your boon deserts should be sounded with so many minims, so many quavers.  Amor. 
Sweet sir, I would I could confer this or any kindness vpon you: I wonder the boy comes not away with my Hobby. Now sir, as I was proceeding: when you blow th● death of your Fox in the field or covert, then must you sound 3. notes, with 3. winds, and recheat: mark you sir, vpon the same with 3. winds.  Acad. 
I pray you sir.  Amor. 
Now sir, when you come to your stately gate, as you sounded the recheat before, so now you must sound the relief three times.  Acad. 
relief call you it? it were good every patron would find the horn.  Amor. 
O sir, but your relief is your sweetest note, that is sir, when your hounds hunt after a game unknown, and then you must sound one long and six short, the second wind, two short and one long, the third wind, one long& two short.  Acad. 
True sir, it is a very good trade now a dayes to be a villain, I am the hound that hunts after a game unknown,& blows the villain.  Amor. 
Sir, I will bless your ears with a very pretty story, my father out of his own cost and charges keeps an open table for all kind of dogges.  Acad. 
And he keeps one more by thee.  Amor. 
He hath your Grey-hound, your sorrel, your mastiff, your Leurier, your spaniel, your Kennets, Terriers, Butchers dogs, bloodhounds, Dunghill dogges, trindle tails, prick-eard curres, small Ladies puppies, Caches and Bastards.  Acad. 
What a bawdy knave hath he to his father, that keeps his rachel, hath his bastards, and lets his sons be plain Ladies puppets, to bewray a Ladies Chamber.  Amor. 
It was my pleasure two dayes ago, to take a gallant leash of greyhounds, and into my fathers park I went, accompanied with two or three Noble men of my near acquaintance, desiring to show them some of the sport: I caused the Keeper to sever the rascall Deere, from the Bucks of the first head: now sir, a buck the first year is a fawn, the second year a pricket, the third year a shovel, the fourth year a Soare, the fift a Buck of the first head, the sixth year a complete Buck: as likewise your Hart is the first year a calf, the second year a Brochet, the third year a Spade, the fourth year a stag, the fift year a great Stag, the sixth year a Hart: as likewise the Roa-bucke is the first year a Kid, the second year a girl, the third year a Hemuse: and these are your special beasts for chase, or as wee Huntsmen call it, for venery.  Acad. 
If chased be taken for venery, thou art a more special beast then any in thy fathers forest. Sir I am sorry I haue been so troublesone to you.  Am. 
I know this was the readiest way to chase away the scholar, by getting him into a subject he cannot talk of, for his life. Sir I will borrow so much time of you as to finish this my begun story. Now sir, after much travell we singled a Buck, I road that same time vpon a Roane gelding, and stood to intercept from the thicket: the Buck broken gallantly: my great Swift being disaduantaged in his slip was at the first behind, mary presently coted and outstripped them, when as the Hart presently descended to the river, and being in the water, proffered, and reproferd, and proffered again: and at last he vpstarted at the other side of the water which we call soil of the Hart, and there other Huntsmen met him with an adauntreley: we followed in hard chase for the space of eight houres, thrice our hounds were at default, and then we cried a slain, streight so ho: through good reclaiming my faulty hounds found their game again, and so went through the wood with gallant noice of music, resembling so many viols Degambo: at last the Hart laid him down, and the Hounds seized vpon him, he groaned, and wept, and dyed. In good faith it made me weep too, to think of Acteons fortune, which my ovid speaks of.  He reads ovid. 
Militat omnis amans,& habet sua castra Cupido.  Acad. 
Sir, can you put me in any hope of obtaining my suit.  Amor. 
In good faith Sir, if I did not love you as my soul, I would not make you acquainted with the mysteries of my Art.  Acad. 
nay, I will not die of a discourse yet, if I can choose.  Amor. 
So sir, when we had rewarded our Dogges with the small guts and the lights, and the blood: the Huntsmen hallowed, So ho, Venus a coupler, and so coupled the Dogges, and then returned homeward: another company of hounds that lay at advantage, had their couples cast off and we might hear the Huntsmen cry, horse, decouple, avant, but streight we heard him cry, le Amond, and by that I knew that they had the hare and on foot, and by and by I might see sore and resore, prick, and reprick: what is he gone? ha ha ha ha, these schollers are the simplest creatures.   

Actus 2. Scen. 6.  Enter Amoretto and his page.. page.. 
I wonder what is become of that ovid de arte amandi, my master he that for the practise of his discourse is wont to court his hobby abroad and at home, in his chamber makes a set speech to his greyhound, desiring that most fair and amiable dog to grace his company in a stately galliard, and if the dog, seeing him practise his lusty points, as his crospoint backcaper, chance to bewray the room, he presently doffes his Cap, most solemnly makes a low-leg to his Lady Ship, taking it for the greatest favour in the world, that shee would vouchsafe to leave her civet box, or her sweet glove behind her.  Amor. 
He opens ovid and reads it.  page.. 
Not a word more Sir, an't please you, your Hobby will meet you at the lanes end.  Am. 
What jack, faith I cannot but vent unto thee a most witty iest of mine.  page.. 
I hope my master will not break wind: wilt please you sir to blesie mine ears with the discourse of it.  Am. 
Good faith, the boy begins to haue an elegant smack of my style: why then thus it was jack: a scurvy mere Cambridge scholar, I know not how to desine him.  page.. 
Nay master, let me define a mere scholar, I heard a Courtier once desine a mere scholar, to bee animal scabiosum, that is, a living creature that is troubled with the itch: or a mere scholar, is a creature that can strike fire in the morning at his Tinder-box, put on a pair of lined slippers, sit rewming till dinner, and then go to his meate when the Bell rings, one that hath a peculiar gift in a cough, and a licence to spit: or if you will haue him defined by negatines. He is one that cannot make a good leg, one that cannot eat a mess of broth cleanly, one that cannot ride a horse without spur-galling: one that cannot salute a woman, and look on her directly, one that cannot—  Am. 
enough jack, I can stay no longer, I am so great in child-birth with this iest: Sirrha, this praedicable, this saucy groom, because when I was in Cambridge, and lay in a Trundlebed under my Tutor, I was content in discreet humility, to give him some place at the Table, and because I invited the hungry slave sometimes to my Chamber, to the canuasing of a turkey pie, or a piece of Venison, which my Lady Grand-mother sent me, he thought himself therefore eternally possessed of my love, and came hither to take acquaintance of me, and thought his old familiarity did continue, and would bear him out in a matter of weight. I could not tell how to rid myself better of the troublesone burr, then by getting him into the discourse of Hunting, and then tormenting him while with our words of Arte, the poor Scorpion became speechelesse, and suddenly ravished. These clerk are simplo fellowes, simplo ●ellowes.  He reads ovid. page.. 
simplo indeed they are, for they want your courtly composition of a fool and of a knave. Good faith fir a most absolute iest, but me thinks it might haue been followed a little farther.  Am. 
A● how my little knave.  page.. 
Why thus Sir, had you invited him to dinner at your table, and haue put the carving of a Capon vpon him, you should haue seen him handle the knife so foolishly, then run through a jury of faces, then wagging his head,& showing his teeth in familiarity, venture vpon it with the same method that he was wont to untruss an Apple pie, or tyrannize an egg and Butter then would I had applied him all dinner time with clean trenchers, clean trenchers,& still when he had a good bit of meate, I would haue taken it from him, by giuing him a clean Trencher, and so haue served him in kindness.  Am. 
Well said subtle jack, put me in mind when I return again, that I may make my Lady Mother laugh at the scholar. Ile to my game: for you jack, I would haue you employ your time till my coming, in watching what hour of the day my hawk mutes.  Exit. page.. 
Is not this an excellent office to be Apothe carry to his worships hawk, to sit scouting on the wall, how the physic works, and is not my master an absolute villain, that loues his hawk hîs Hobby, and his Grey-hound, more then any mortal creature: do but dispraise a feather of his hawks train, and he writhes his mouth, and swears, for he can do that onely with a good grace, that you are the most shallow brained fellow that lives: do but say his horse stales with a good presence, and he's your bondslave: when he returns Ile tell twenty admirable lies of his hawk, and then I shall be his little rogue& his white villain for a whole week after. Well let others complain, but I think there is no felicity to the serving of a fool.    


Act. 3. Scen. 1.  Sir Rad. Recorder. page.. Sig. Immerito. S. Rad. 
signor Immenito, you remember my caution, for the tithes,& my promise for farming my tithes at such a rate.  Im. 
I, and please your worship Sir.  Sir Rad. 
You must put in security for the performance of it in such sort as I and master Recorder shall like of.  Im, 
I will an't please your worship.  S. Rad. 
And because I will be sure that I haue conferred this kindness vpon a sufficient man, I haue desired master Recorder to take examination of you.  Pag. 
My master( it seems) tak's him for a thief, but he hath small reason for it, as for learning it's plain he never stolen any, and for the living he knows himself how he comes by it, for let him but eat a measse of furmenty this seven year, and yet he shall never be able to recover himself: alas poor sheep that hath fallen into the hands of such a fox.  S. Rad. 
Good master Recorder take your place by me, and make trial of his gifts, is the clerk there to record his examination, oh the page. shall serve the turn.  Pag. 
trial of his gifts, never had any gifts a better trial, why Immerito his gifts haue appeared in as many colours, as the Rayn-bowe, first to master Amoretto in colour of the sattine suite he wears: to my Lady in the similitude of a loose gown: to my master, in the likeness of a silver basin, and ewer: to us Pages in the semblance of new suits and poyntes. So master Amoretto plays the gull in a piece of a parsonage: my master adorns his cuppoord with a piece of a parsonage, my mistress vpon good dayes, puts on a piece of a parsonage, and we Pages play at blow point for a piece of a parsonage, I think heer's trial enough for one mans gifts.  Reco. 
For as much as nature hath done her part in making you a handsome likely man.  Pag 
He is a handsome young man indeed, and hath a proper gelded parsonage.  Reco. 
In the next place, some art is requisite for the perfection of nature: for the trial whereof, at the request of my worshipful friend, I will in some sort propound questions fitt to be resolved by one of your profession, say what is a person that was never at the university.  Im. 
A person that was never in the ●niuerfity, is a living creature that can eat a tithe pig.  Rec. 
Very well answered, but you should haue added, and must be officious to his patron: writ down that answer to show his learning in logic.  Sir Rad. 
Yea boy writ that down. Very learnedly in good faith, I pray now let me ask you one question that I remember, whether is the Masculine gender or the seminine more worthy?  Im. 
The Feminine sir.  Sir Rad. 
The right answer, the right answer. In good faith I haue been of that mind always, writ boy that, to show he is a Grammarian.  Pag. 
No marvell my master be against the grammar, for he hath always made faise latin in the Genders.  Rec. 
What university are you of?  Im. 
Of none.  Sir. Rad. 
He tells truth, to tell truth is an excellent virtue, Boy make two heads, one for his learning another for his virtues, and refer this to the head of his virtues, not of his learning.  Pag. 
What, half a mess of good qualities referred to an ass head?  Sir Rad. 
now master Recorder, if it please you I will examine him in an author, that will sound him to the depth, a book of Astronomy otherwise called an almanac.  Rec. 
Very good, Sir Raderike, it were to be wished that there were no other book of humanity, then there would not bee such busy state-prying fellowes as are now a dayes, proceed good sir.  Sir. Rad. 
What is the dominical letter?  Im. 
C, sir, and please your worship.  Sir Rad. 
A very good answer, a very good answer, the very answer of the book, writ down that and refer it to his skill in philosophy.  Pag. 
C, the dominical letter: it is true, craft and cunning do so domineer: yet rather C and D, are dominical letters, that is crafty Dunsery.  S. Rad. 
How many daies hath September?  Im. 
april, june and november, February hath 28. alone and all the rest hath 30. and one.  S. Rad. 
Very learnedly in good faith, he hath also a smack in poetry, writ down that boy, to show his learning in poetry.  
How many miles from Waltham to London?  Im. 
twelve Sir.  S. Rad. 
How many from Newmarket to Grantham?  Im. 
Ten Sir.  Pag. 
Without doubt he hath been some Carriers horse.  S. Rad. 
How call you him that is cunning in 1.2.3.4.5. and the Cipher?  Im. 
A good Arithmatician.  S. Rad. 
writ down that answer of his, to show his learning in arithmetic:  Pag. 
He must needs be a good Arithmetician that counted money so lately.  S. Rad. 
When is the new moon?  Im. 
The last quarter the 5. day at 2. of the cloak and 38. minutes in the morning.  S. Rad. 
writ him down, how call you him, that is weatherwise?  Recor. 
A good Astonomer.  S. Rad. 
Sirrha boy writ him down for a good Astronomer.  Pag. 
As Colit astra.  S. Rad. 
What day of the month lights the queens day on?  Im. 
The 17. of november.  S. Rad. 
Boy refeere this to his virtues, and writ him down a good subject.  Pag. 
Faith he were an excellent subject for 2. or 3. good wits. he would make a fine Asle for an ape to ride vpon.  S. Rad. 
And these shall suffice for the parts of his learning, now it remaines to try whether you bee a man of good utterance, that is, whether you can ask for the strayed Heifer with the white face, as also chide the boyes in the belfrie, and bid the Sexton whip out the dogges: let me hear your voice.  Im. 
If any man or woman.  S. Rad. 
Thats too high.  Im. 
If any man or woman.  S. Rad. 
Thats too low.  Im. 
If any man or woman, can tell any tidings of a Horse with four feet, two ears, that did stray about the seventh hour, three minutes in the sorenoone the fift day.  page.. 
I took of a horse just as it were the eclipse of the moon.  S. Rad. 
Boy write him down for a good utterance: master Recorder I think he hath been examined sufficiently.  Rec. 
I, Sir Radericke, tis so, wee haue tried him very thoroughly.  Pag. 
I we haue taken an inventory of his good parts and prized them accordingly.  S. Rad. 
signor Immerito, forasmuch as we haue made a double trial of thee, the one of your learning, the other of your erudition: it is expedient also in the next place to give you a few exhortations, considering the greatest clerks are not the wisest men: this is therefore first to exhort you to abstain from controversies. Secondly not to gird at men of worship, such as myself, but to use yourself discreetly. Thirdly not to speak when any man or woman coughs: do so, and in so doing I will persever to bee your worshipful friend and loving patron.  Im. 
I thank your worship, you haue been the deficient cause of my preferment.  Sir Rad. 
led Immerito in to my son, and let him dispatch him, and remember my tithes to bee reserved, paying twelve pence a year. I am going to Moore-fieldes, to speak with an vnthrist I should meet at the middle Temple about a purchase, when you haue done follow vs.  Exeunt Immerito and the page..  

Act. 3. Scen. 2.  Sir Rad: and Recorder. Sir Rad. 
hark you master Recorder, I haue fleshed my prodigal boy notably, notably in letting him deal for this living, that hath done him much, much good I assure you.  Rec. 
You do well Sir Raderick, to bestow your living vpon such an one as will be content to share, and on Sunday to say nothing, whereas your proud university princox thinks he is a man of such merit the world cannot sufficiently endow him with preferment, an unthankful viper, an unthankful Viper that will sting the man that revived him.  
Why ist not strange to see a ragged clerk,  
Some stamell weaver or some butchers son:  
That scrubd a late within a sleeueles gown,  
When the Commencement, like a morris dance,  
Hath put a bell or two about his legs,  
Created him a sweet clean gentleman:  
How then he 'gins to follow fashions.  
He whose thin sire dwell in a smokye roof,  
Must take Tobacco and must wear a lock.  
His thirsty Dad drinks in a wooden bowl,  
But his sweet self is served in silver plate.  
His hungry sire will scrape you twenty legs,  
For one good Christmas meal on shores day.  
But his maw must be Capon crambd each day,  
He must ere long be triple beneficed,  
else with his tongue he I thunderbolt the world,  
And shake each peasant by his deafe-mans ear.  
But had the world no wiser men then I,  
weed pen the prating parates in a cage,  
A chair a candle and a Tinderbox.  
A thacked chamber and a ragged gown  
Should be their lands and whole possessions,  
Knights, Lords,& lawyers should be log'd& dwell  
Within those over stately heaps of ston.  
Which doting sires in old age did erect.  
Well it were to be wished that never a scholar in England might haue above forty pound a year.  Sir Rad. 
Faith master Recorder, if it went by wishing, there should never an one of them all haue above twenty a year: a good stipend, a good stipend master Recorder. I●n the mean time, howsoever I hate them all deadly, yet I am fain to give them good words. Oh they are pestilent fellowes, they speak nothing but bodkins, and piss vinegar. Well, do what I can in outward kindness to them, yet they do nothing but bewray my house: as there was one that made a couple of knavish verses on my country Chimney now in the time of my sojourning here at London: and it was thus.  
Sir Radericke keeps no Chimney Cauelere,  
That takes Tobacco above once a year.  
And an other made a couple of verses on my Daughter that learns to play on the vial de gambo,  
Her vyall de gambo is her best content,  
For twixt her legs she holds her instrument.  
Very knavish, very knavish, if you look unto it master Recorder, Nay they haue played many a knavish trick beside with me. Well, tis a shane indeed there should be any such privilege for proud beggars as Cambridge, and Oxford are. But let them go, and if ever they light in my hands, if I do not plague them, let me never return home again to see my wifes waiting maid.  Recor. 
This scorn of knights is too egregious.  
But how should these young colts prove amblers,  
When the old heavy galled jades do trot:  
There shall you see a puny boy start up,  
And make a theme against common lawyers:  
Then the old unwieldy Camels gin to dance,  
This siddling boy playing a fit of mirth:  
The gray beard scrubbe, and laugh and cry good, good,  
To them again, boy scurdge the barbarians:  
But we may give the losers leave to talk,  
We haue the coin, then tel them laugh for me.  
Yet knights and lawyers hope to see the day.  
When we may share here their possessions,  
And make Indentures of their chaffred skins:  
Dice of their bones to throw in merriment.  Sir Rad. 
O good faith master Recorder, if I could see that day once.  Rec. 
Well remember another day, what I say● schollers are pried into of late, and are found to bee busy fellowes, disturberts of the peace, Ile say no more, guess at my meaning, I smell a ratt.  Sir Rad. 
I hope at length England will be wise enough, I hope so, I faith, then an old knight may haue his wench in a corner without any satires or Epigrams. But the day is far spent, mayst. Recorder,& I fear by this time the unthrift is arrived at the place appointed in Moore fields, let us hasten to him.  He looks on his watch. Recor. 
Indeed this dayes subject transported us too late, I think we shall not come much too late.  Exeunt.  

Act. 3. Scen. 3.  Enter Amoretto, his page., Immerito booted. Amor. 
master Immerito deliver this letter to the poser in my fathers name: mary withall some sprinkling, some sprinkling verbum sapienti sat est. farewell master Immerito.  Imer. 
I thank your worship most heartily.  Pag. 
Is it not a shane to see this old dunce learning his Induction at these yeares: but let him go, I loose nothing by him, for Ile be sworn but for the booty of selling the parsonage I should haue gone in mine old clothes this Christmas. A dunce I see is a neighbour like brute breast, a man may live by him.  Amor. seems to make verse. Amor. 
A pox on it, my muse is not so witty as shee was wont to be her nose is like, not yet. plague on these mathematics, they haue spoyled my brain in making a verse.  page.. 
Hang me if he hath any more mathematics then will serve to count the clock, or tell the meridian hour by rumbling of his paunch.  Am. 
Her nose is like.  page.. 
A cobblers shooinghorne.  Am. 
Her nose is like a beauteous marrowbone;  Pag. 
mary a sweet snotty mistress.  Amor. 
faith I do not like it yet: ass as I was to read a piece of Aristotle in greek yesternight, it hath put me out of my English vain quiter.  Pag. 
O monstrous lie, let me be apointtrusser while I live if he understands any tongue but English.  Amor. 
Sirrha boy remember me when I come in Paules Churchyard to by a Ronzard,& Dubartas in french& Aretine in Italian, and our hardest writers in spanish, they will shar pen my wits gallantly. I do relish these tongues in some sort. Oh now I do remember I hear a report of a Poet newly come out in hebrew, it is a pretty harsh tongue, and relish a gentleman traveler, but come lets hast after my father, the fields are fitter to heavenly meditations.  Exeunt. page.. 
My maisters, I could wish your presence at an admirable iest, why presently this great linguist my master will march through Paules Church-yard. Come to a book binders shop, and with a big Italian look and a spanish face ask for these books in spanish and Italian, then turning, through his ignorance, the wrong end of the book upward use action, on this unknown tongue after this sort, first look on the title and wrinkle his brow, next make as though he read the first page. and bites a lip, then with his nail score the margin as though there were some notable conceit, and lastly when he thinks he hath gulld the standards by sufficiently, throws the book away in a rage swearing that he could never find books of a true print since he was last in Ioadna, enquite after the next mart, and so departs. And so must I, for by this time his contemplation is arrived at his mistress nose end, he is as glad as i● he had taken Ostend: by his time he begins to spit, and cry boy, carry my cloak: and now I go to attend on his worship.   

Act. 2. Scen 4.  Enter Ingenioso, Furor, Phantasma. Ing. 
Come lads, this wine whetts your resolution in our design: it's a needy world with subtle spirits, and there's a gentle manlike kind of begging, that may beseem Poets in this age.  Furor. 
Now by the wing of nimble Mercury,  
By my Thalias silver sounding harp:  
By that celestial fire within my brain,  
That gives a living genius to my lines:  
How ere my dulled intellectual.  
Capres less nimbly then it did a fore,  
Yet will I play a hunt's up to my muse:  
And make her mount from out her shuggish nest,  
As high as is the highest spheere in heaven:  
Awake you paltry trulles of Helicon,  
Or by this light Ile Swagger with you streight:  
You grandsyre Phaebus with your lovely eye,  
The firmaments eternal vagabond,  
The heauens promoter that doth peep and pry,  
Into the acts of mortal tennis balls.  
Inspire me streight with some rare delicies,  
Or Ile dismount thee from thy radiant coach:  
And make thee poor Cutchy here on earth.  Phan. 
Currus auriga paterni.  Ing. 
Nay prithee good Furor, do not roaue in times before thy time: thou hast a very terrible roaring muse, nothing but squibs and fine ierkes, quiet thyself a while and hear thy charge.  Phan. 
Huc ades haec, animo concipe dicta tuo.  Ingeni. 
Let us on to our devise, our plot, our project. That old Sir Raderick, that new printed compendium of all inquitye, that hath not aired his country Chimney once in 3. winters: he that loues to live in an odd corner here at London, and effect an odd wench in a nook, one that loues to live in a narrow room, that he may with more facility in the dark, light vpon his wifes waiting maid, one that loues alife a short sermon and a long play, one that goes to a play, to a whore, to his bed in circled, good for nothing in the world but to sweat nightcaps,& foul faire lawn shirts, feed a few foggy serving men, and prefer dunces to livings. This old Sir Raderick( Furor) it shall be thy task to cudgel with thy thick thwart terms: mary at the first give him some sugar candy terms, and then if he will not vnty purse strings, of his liberality, sting him with terms laid in aqua fortis and gunpowder.  Furor. 
In noua fert animus mutatas dicere formas.  
The servile current of my sliding verse,  
Gentle shal run into his thick skind ears:  
Where it shall dwell like a magnifico,  
Command his slymie wright to honour me:  
For my high tiptoe strouting poesye.  
But if his stars hath fauour'd him so ill,  
As to debar him by his dunghill thoughts,  
justly to esteem my verses lowting pitch:  
If his earth wroting snout shal gin to scorn,  
My verse that giveth immortality:  
Then, Bella per Emathios.  Phan. 
Furor arma ministrat.  Furor. 
Ile shake his heart vpon my verses point.  
ripp out his guts with riuyng poinard:  
Quarter his credit with a bloody quill.  Phan. 
Calami, Atramentum, charta, libelli,  
Sunt semper studijs arma parata tuis.  Ing. 
enough Furor, wee know thou art a nimble swaggerer with a goose quill: now for you Phantasma, leave trussing your points and listen.  Phan. 
Omne tulit punctum.  Ing. 
mark you Amoretto Sir Radericks son, to him shall thy piping poetry and sugar ends of verses be directed, he is one, that will draw out his pocket glass thrice in a walk, one that dreams in a night of nothing, but musk and civet, and talk of nothing all day long but his hawk, his hound, and his mistress, one that more admires the good wrinkle of a boot, the curious crinkling of a silk stocking, then all the wit in the world: one that loues no scholar but him whose tired ears can endure half a day together, his fliblowne sonne●tes of his mistress, and her loving pretty creatures, her munckey and her puppet: it shal bee thy task ( Phantasma) to cut this gulls throat with faire terms, and if he hold fast for al thy juggling rettoricke, fall at defiance with him, and the poking stick he wears.  Phan. 
Simul extulit ensem.  Ing. 
Come brave mips, gather up your spirits and let us march on like adventurous knights, and discharge a hundreth poetical spirits vpon them.  Phan. 
Est deus in nobis, agitant calescimus illo.  Exeunt.  

Act. 3. Scen. 5.  Enter Philomusus, Studioso. Stud. 
Well Philomusus, we never scaped so faire a scouring: why yonder are pursevantes out for the french Doctor, and a lodging bespoken for him and his man in newgate. It was a terrible fear that made us cast our hair.  Phil. 
And canst thou sport at our calamities?  
And countest us happy to scape prisomment?  
Why the wide world that blesseth some with wail,  
Is to our chained thoughts a darksome gayle:.  Stud. 
Nay prithee friend these wonted terms forego,  
He doubles grief that comments on a wo.  Phil. 
Why do fond men term it impiety,  
To sand a wearisome sad grudging Ghost,  
unto his home, his long, long, lasting home?  
Or let them make our life less grievous be,  
Or suffer us to end our misery.  Stud. 
Oh no the sentinel his watch must keep,  
until his Lord do licence him to sleep:  Phil. 
It's time to sleep within our hollow graues,  
And rest us in the darksome womb of earth:  
Dead things are graved, and bodies are no less  
Pined and forlorn like Ghostly carcases.  Stud. 
Not long this tap of loathed life can run,  
soon cometh death, and then our woe is done.  
mean time good Philomusus be content,  
lets spend our dayes in hopeful merriment.  Phil. 
cursed be our thoughts when ere they dream of hope:  
Band be those happs that henceforth flatter us,  
When mischief doggs us still and still for ay,  
From our first birth until our burying day.  
In our first gamesome age, our doting sires  
Carked and cared to haue us lettered:  
Sent us to Cambridge where our cyle is spent:  
us our kind college from the teat did teat:  
And for'st us walk before we weaned wear,  
From that time since wandered haue we still:  
In the wide world, urged by our forced will,  
Nor ever haue we happy fortune tried:  
Then why should hope with our tent state abide?  
Nay let us run unto the basefull cave,  
Pight in the hollow ribs of craggy cliff,  
Where dreary owls do shriek the liue-long night,  
Chasing away the birds of cheerful light:  
Where yawning Ghosts do howl in ghastly wise,  
Where that dull hollow eyed that staring, sire,  
Yelept despair hath his sad mansion,  
Him let us find, and by his counsel we,  
Will end our too much yrked misery.  Stud. 
To wail thy happs argues a dastard mind.  Phil. 
To hear too long argues an asses kind.  Stud. 
Long since the worst chance of the die was cast,  Phil. 
But why should that word worst so long time last?  Stud. 
Why doth thou now these sleepy plaints commence?  Phil. 
Why should I ere be duld with patience?  Stud. 
Wise folk do bear with, struggling cannot mend.  Phil. 
Good spirits must with thwarting fates contend  Stud. 
Some hope is left our fortunes to redress,  Phil. 
No hope but this, ere to be comfortless,  Stud. 
Our lives remainder gentler hearts may find,  Phil. 
The gentlest harts to us will prove unkind.    


Act. 4. Scen. 1.  Sir Radericke and Prodigo, at one corner of the Stage, Recor: and Amoretto at the other. Two Pages scouring of Tobacco pipes. Sir. Rad. 
M. Prodigo, M. Recorder hath  told you lawe, your land is forfeited: and for me not to take the forfeiture, were to break the queens law, for mark you, its law to take the forfeiture: therefore not to break it is to break the queens law, and to break the queens law is not to be a good subject, and I mean to bee a good subject. Besides, I am a Iustice of the peace, and being Iustice of the peace I must do iustice, that is law, that is to take the forfeiture, especially having taken notice of it. marry master Prodigo, here are a few shillings, over and besides the bargain.  Prod. 
Pox on your shillings, sblood a while ago, before he had me in the lurch, who but my coozen Prodigo, you are welcome my coozen Prodigo, take my coozen Prodigoes horse, a cup of Wine for my coozen Prodigo, good faith you shall sit here good coozen Prodigo, a clean trencher for my coozen Prodigo, haue a special care of my coozen Prodigoes lodging: now master Prodigo with a pox, and a few shillings for a vantage, a plague on your shillings, pox on your shillings, if it were not for the Sergeant which dogges me at my heels, a plague on your shillings, pox on your shillings, pox on yourself and your shillings, pox on your worship, if I catch thee at Ostend: I dare not stay for the Sergeant.  Exit. S. Rad. pag. 
Good faith master Prodigo is an excellent fellow, he takes the Gulan ebullitio so excellently.  Amor. page.. 
He is a good liberal Gentleman, he hath bestowed an ounce of Tobacco vpon us, and as long as it lasts, come cut and long-taile, weele spend it as liberally for his sake.  S. Rad. page.. 
Come fill the Pipe quickly, while my master is in his melancholy humour, it's just the melancholy of a Colliers horse.  Amor. page.. 
If you cough jack after your Tobacco, for a punishment you shall kiss the Pantofle.  S. Rad. 
It's a foul oversight, that a man of worship cannot keep a wench in his house, but there must be muttering and surmising: it was the wisest saying that my father ever uttered, that a wife was the name of necessity, not of pleasure: for what do men mary for, but to stock their ground, and to haue one to look to the linen, sit at the vpper end of the table, and carve up a Capon: one that can wear a hood like a hawk, and cover her foul face with a fan: but there's no pleasure always to be tied to a piece of Mutton, sometimes a mess of stewd broth will do well, and an vnlac'd rabbit is best of all: well for mine own part, I haue no great cause to complain, for I am well provided of three bounsing wenches, that are mine own fee-simple: one of them I am presently to visit, if I can rid myself cleanly of this company. Let me see how the day goes: ( he pulls his Watch out.) precious coals, the time is at hand, I must meditate on an excuse to be gone.  Record. 
The which I say, is grounded on the Statute I spake of before, enacted in the reign of Henry the 6.  Amor. 
It is a plain case, whereon I mooted in our Temple, and that was this: put case there be three bretheren, John a Nokes, John a Nash, and John a style: John a Nokes the elder, John a Nash the younger, John a style the youngest of all, John a Nash the younger, dieth without issue of his body lawfully begotten: whether shall his lands ascend to John a Noakes the elder, or descend to John a style the youngest of all? The answer is: The lands do collaterally descend, not ascend.  Record. 
Very true, and for a proof hereof, I will show you a place in Littleton, which is very pregnant in this point.   

Actus 4. Scena 2.  Enter Ingenioso, Furor, Phantasma. Ing. 
Ile pawn my wits, that is, my revenues, my land, my money, and whatsoever I haue, for I haue nothing but my wit, that they are at hand: why any sensible snout may wind master Amoretto and his Pomander, master Recorder and his two neates feet that wear no socks, Sir Radericke by his rammish complexion. Olet Gorgoinus hyrcum, S't. Lupus in fabula. Furor fire the Touch-box of your wit: Phantasma, let your invention play tricks like an Ape: begin thou Furor, and open like a phlapmouthed Hound: follow thou Phantasma like a Ladies Puppie: and as for me, let me alone, Ile come after like a Water-dogge that will shake them off, when I haue no use of them: My maisters, the watch-word is given. Furor discharge.  Furor to S. Rad. 
The great projector of the Thunder-bolts,  
He that is wont to piss whole clouds of rain,  
Into the earth vast gaping urinal,  
Which that one eyed subsicer of the sky,  
Don Phoebus empties by caliditie:  
He and his townsmen Planets brings to thee,  
Most fatty lumps of earths facility.  S. Rad. 
Why will this fellowes English break the queens peace, I will not seem to regard him.  Phant. to Am. 
maecenas atauis edite regibus,  
O et praesidium,& dulce decus meum,  
Dij faciant votis vela secunda tuis.  Ing. 
God save you good master Recorder, and good fortunes follow your deserts: I think I haue cursed him sufficiently in few words.  S. Rad. 
What haue we here, three begging Souldiers, come you from Ostend, or from Ireland?  Pag. 
Cuium pecus, an Maelibei? I haue vented all the Latin one man had.  Phan. 
Quid dicam amplius? domini similis es.  Amor. pag. 
Let him alone I pray thee, to him again, tickle him there.  Phant. 
Quam dispari domino dominaris?  Rec. 
Nay that's plain in Littleton, for if that fee-simple, and the fee tail be put together, it is called hotch potch: now this word hotch potch in English is a Pudding, for in such a pudding is not commonly one thing onely, but one thing with another.  Amor. 
I think I do remember this also at a mooting in our Temple: so then this hotch potch seems a term of similitude.  Furor to S. Rad. 
Great Capricornus, of thy head take keep,  
Good Virgo watch, while that thy worship sleep,  
And when thy swelling vents amain,  
Then Pisces be thy sporting chamberlain.  S. Rad. 
I think the devill hath sent some of his family to torment me.  Amor. 
There is tail general and tail special, and Littleton is very copious in that the ame: for tail general is, when lands are given to a man and his heirs of his body begotten: tail special, is when lands are given to a man, and to his wife, and to the heires of their two bodies lawfully begotten, and that is called tail special.  S. Rad. 
Very well, and for his oath I will give a distinction: there is a material oath, and a formal oath: the formal oath may be broken, the material may not be broken: for mark you sir, the law is to take place before the conscience, and therefore you may, using me your counsellor, cast him in the suit: there wants nothing to the full meaning of this place.  Phant. 
Nihil hic nisi Carmina desunt.  Ing. 
An excellent observation in good faith, see how the old Fox teacheth the young Cub to wurry a sheep, or rather sits himself like an old Goose, hatching the addle brain of master Amoretto: there is no fool to the satin fool, the velvet fool, the perfumde fool, and therefore the witty Taylors of this age, put them under colour of kindness into a pair of cloath-bags, where a voyder will not serve the turn: and there is no knave to the barbarous knave the moulting knave, the pleading knave: what ho master Recorder? master noverint vniuersi per presentes, not a word he, unless he feel it in his fist.  Phant. 
Mitto tibi metulas, cancros imitare legendo.  S. Rad. to Furor. 
Fellow what art thou that art so bold?  Fur. 
I am the bastard of great mercury,  
Got on Thalia when she was a sleep:  
My gaudy Grandsire, great Apollo high,  
born was I hear, but that my luck was ill,  
To all the land vpon the forked hill.  Phant. 
O crudelis Alexi nile mea carmina curas?  
nile nostri miserere mori me deinque coges?  S. Rad. Pag. 
If you use them thus, my master is a Iustice of peace, and will sand you all to the gallows.  Phant. 
Hei mihi quod domino non licet ire tuo.  Ing. 
Good master Recorder, let me retain you this term for my cause, for my cause good master Recorder.  Record. 
I am retained already on the contrary part, I haue taken my fee, be gon, be gon.  Ing. 
It's his meaning I should come off: why here is the true style of a villain, the true faith of a Lawyer: it is usual with them to be bribed on the one side, and then to take a fee of the other: to pled weakly, and to be bribed and rebribed on the one side, then to be feed and refeed of the other, till at length, per varios casus, by putting the case so often, they make their client so lank, that they may case them up in a comb case, and pack them home from the term, as though he had traveled to London to sell his horse onely, and having lost their sleeces, live afterward like poor shorne sheep.  Furor. 
The Gods above that know great Furors famed,  
And do adore grand poet Furors name:  
Granted long since at heauens high parliament,  
That who so Furor shal immortalize,  
No yawning goblins shall frequent his grave,  
Nor any bold presumptuous cur shall dare  
To lift his leg against his sacred dust.  
Where ere I haue my rhymes, thence vermin fly  
All, saving that foul faced vermin poverty.  
This sucks the eggs of my invention:  
Euacuates my wits full pigeon house.  
Now may it please thy generous dignity;  
To take this vermin napping as he lies,  
In the true trap of liberality:  
Ile cause the Pleiades to give thee thanks,  
Ile writ thy name within the sixteenth sphere:  
Ile make the Antarticke pole to kiss thy to a,  
And Cinthia to do homage to thy tail.  Sir Rad. 
precious coals, thou a man of worship and Iustice too? It's even so, he is either a mad man or a conjuror: it were, well if his words were examined, to see if they be the queens or no.  Phan. 
Nunc si nos audis vt qui es divinus Apollo,  
Dic mihi, qui nummos non habet vnde petat?  Amor. 
I am stil haunted with these needy Lattinist fellowes: the best counsel I can give is to be gone.  Phan. 
Quod peto da Caie, non peto consilium.  Am. 
Fellow look to your brains: you are mad, you are mad.  Phan. 
Semel insaniuimus omnes.  Am. 
master Recorder, is it not a shane that a gallant cannot walk the street quietly for needy fellowes, and that, after there is a statute come out against begging?  He strikes his breast. Phant. 
Pectora percussit, pectus quoque robora fiunt.  Recor. 
I warrant you, they are some needy graduates: the university breaks wind twice a year, and lets fly such as these are.  Ing. 
So ho master Recorder, you that are one of the divels fellow commoners, one that sizeth the devils butteries, sins and perjuries very lavishly: one that are so dear to Lucifer, that he never puts you out of commons for non payment: you that live like a summer vpon the sins of the people: you whose vocation serves to enlarge the territories of Hell, that( but for you) had been no bigger then a pair of stocks or a pillory: you that hate a scholar, because he descries your Asses ears: you that are a plague stuffed Cloake-bagge of all iniquity, which the grand serving man of Hell will one day truss up behind him, and carry to his smoky wardrobe.  Recor. 
What frantic fellow art thou, that art possessed with the spirit of malediction?  Furor. 
Vile muddy clod of base unhallowed day,  
Thou slimy sprighted unkind Saracen:  
When thou wert born, dame Nature cast her calf,  
forage and time had made thee a great ox,  
And now thy grinding laws devour quiter,  
The fodder due to us of heavenly wright.  Phant. 
Nefasto te posuit die quicunque primum et sacrilega manu,  
Produxit arbos in nepotum perniciem ob propriumque pugi.  Ingeni. 
I pray you Monseiur Ploidon, of what university was the first Lawyer of, none forsooth, for your Lawe is ruled by reason, and not by Arte: great reason indeed that a Ploydenist should bee mounted on a trapped Palfrey, with a round velvet dish on his head, to keep warm the broth of his wit, and a long gown, that makes him look like a Cedant arma togae, whilst the poor Aristotelians walk in a short cloak and a close Venetian hoase, hard by the Oyster-wise: and the silly Poet goes muffled in his cloak to escape the Counter. And you master Amoretto, that art the chief Carpenter of sonnets, a privileged Vicar for the lawless marriage of ink and Paper, you that are good for nothing but to commend in a set speech, to colour the quantity of your Mistresses stool, and swear it is most sweet civet: it's fine when that Puppet-player Fortune, must put such a Birchen-lane post in so good a suite, such an ass in so good fortune.  Amor. 
Father shall I draw?  Sir Rad. 
No son, keep thy peace, and hold the peace.  Inge. 
Nay do not draw, least you chance to bepisse your credit.  Furor. 
Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta mouebo.  
fearful Megaera with her snaky twine,  
Was cursed dam unto thy damned self;  
And Hircan tigers in the desert rocks,  
Did foster up thy loathed hateful life,  
Base Ignorance the wicked cradle rocked,  
Vile barbarism was wont to dandle thee:  
Some wicked hell-hound tutored thy youth,  
And all the grifly sprights of gripping hell,  
With mumming look hath dogd thee since thy birth:  
See how the spirits do hover ore thy head,  
As thick as gnattes in summer evening tide,  
baleful allecto, preethe stay a while,  
Till with my verses I haue racked his soul:  
And when thy soul departs a Cock may be,  
No blank at all in hells great lottery.  
shane sits and howls vpon thy loathed grave,  
And howling vomit up in filthy guise,  
The hidden stories of thy villainies.  Sir Rad. 
The devill my maisters, the devill in the likeness of a Poet, away my maisters away. Exit.  Phan. 
Arma virumque canon,  
Quemfugis ah demeus?  Amor. 
Base dog, it is not the custom in Italy to draw vpon every idle cur that barks, and did it stand with my reputation: oh, well go too, thank my Father for your lives.  Ing. 
Fond gull whom I would undertake to bastmado quickly, though there were a musket planted in thy mouth, are not you the young drover of livings. Academico  told me of that hants steeple fairs. Base worm must thou needs discharge thy craboun to batter down the walls of learning.  Amor. 
I think I haue committed some great sin against my Mistris, that I am thus tormented with notable villains: bold peasants I scorn, I scorn them.  Furor to Recor. 
Nay pray thee good sweet divell do not thou part,  
I like an honest devill that will show  
himself in a true hellish smoky hue:  
How like thy snout is to great Lucifers?  
Such talents had he, such a glaring eye,  
And such a cunning slight in villainy.  Recor. 
Oh the impudency of this age, and if I take you in my quarters.  Furor. 
Base slave Ile hang thee on a crossed rhyme,  
And quarter.  Ing. 
He is gone, Furor, stay thy fury.  S. Rad. Pag. 
I pray you gentlemen give 3. groats for a shilling.  Amo. Pag. 
What will you give me for a good old sure of apparel?  Phan. 
Habet et musca splenem, et formicae sua bilis inest.  Ing. 
Gramercie good lads: this is our share in happiness, to torment the happy: lets walk a long and laugh at the iest, its no staying here long, least Sir Radericks army of bailiffs and clowns be sent to apprehended vs.  Phan. 
Procul hinc, procul item prophani.  
Ile lash Apollon self with ierking hand,  
unless he pawn his wit to buy me land.   

Act. 4. Scen. 3.  Burbage. Kempe. burr. 
Now Will Kempe if we can entertain these schollers at a low rate, it will be well, they haue oftentimes a good conceit in a part.  Kempe 
Its true indeed, honest Dick, but the slaves are somewhat proud, and besides, it is a good sport in a part to see them never speak in their walk, but at the end of the stage, just as though in walking with a fellow we should never speak but at a style, a gate, or a ditch, where a man can go no further. I was once at a comedy in Cambridge, and there I saw a parasite make faces and mouths of all sorts on this fashion.  burr. 
A little teaching will mend these faults, and it may bee besides they will be able to pen a part.  Kemp. 
Few of the university pen plays well, they smell too much of that writer ovid, and that writer Metamorphosis, and talk too much of Proserpina& Iuppiter. Why heres our fellow Shakespeare puts them all down, I and Ben jonson too. O that Ben jonson is a pestilent fellow, he brought up Horace giuing the Poets a pill, but our fellow Shakespeare hath given him a purge that made him bewray his credit:  burr. 
Its a shrewd fellow indeed: I wonder these schollers stay so long, they appointed to be here presently that we might try them: oh here they come.  Stud. 
Take heart these lets our clouded thoughts refine,  
The sun shines brightest when it 'gins decline.  burr. 
M. Phil. and M. Stud. God save you.  Kemp. 
M. Phil. and M. Otioso well met.  Phil. 
The same to you good M. Burbage. What M. Kempe how doth the Emperour of Germany?  Stud. 
God save you M. Kempe: welcome M. Kempe from dancing the mortice over the Alpes.  Kemp. 
Well you merry knaves you may come to the honor of it one day, is it not better to make a fool of the world as I haue done, then to be fooled of the world, as you schollers are? But be merry my lads, you haue happened vpon the most excellent vocation in the world for money: they come North and South to bring it to our playhouse, and for honours, who of more report, then Dick Burbage& Will: Kempe, he is not counted a Gentleman, that knows not Dick Burbage& will Kemp, there's not a country wench that can dance Sellengers Round but can talk of Dick Burbage and Will Kempe.  Phil. 
Indeed M. Kempe you are very famous, but that is as well for works in print as your part in knee.  Kempe. 
You are at Cambridge still with since knee, and be lusty humorous poets, you must vntrusle, I road this my last circuit, purposely because I would be judge of your actions.  burr. 
M. Stud. I pray you take some part in this book and act it, that I may see what will fit you best, I think your voice would serve for Hieronimo, observe how I act it and then imitate me.  Stud. 
Who call Hieronimo from his naked bed?  
And &c.  burr. 
You will do well after a while.  Kemp. 
Now for you, me thinks you should belong to my tuition, and your face me thinks would be good for a soolish mayor or a foolish iustice of peace: mark me.— Forasmuch as there be two states of a common wealth, the one of peace, the other of tranquillity: two states of war, the one of discord, the other of dislention: two states of an incorporation, the one of the Aldermen, the other of the Brethren: two states of magistrates, the one of governing, the other of bearing rule, now, as I said even now for a good thing, thing cannot be said too often: virtue is the shooinghorne of iustice, that is, virtue is the shooinghorne of doing well, that is, virtue is the shooinghorne of doing justly, it be hooueth me and is my part to commend this shooingborne unto you. I hope this word shooinghorne doth not offend any of you my worshipful brethren, for you being the worshipful headsmen of the town, know well what the horn meaneth, Now therefore I am determined not onely to teach but also to instruct, not onely the ignorant, but also the simplo, not onely what is their duty towards their betters, but also whatis their duty towards their superiors: come let me see how you can do, fit down in the chair.  Phil. 
Forasmuch as there be. &c.  Kemp. 
thou wilt do well in time, if thou wilt be ruled by thy betters, that is by myself, and such grave Aldermen of the playhouse as I am.  burr. 
I like your face, and the proportion of your body for Richard the 3. I pray M. Phil. let me see you act a little of it.  Phil. 
Now is the winter of our discontent,  
Made glorious summer by the son of york,  burr. 
Very well I assure you, well M. Phil. and M. Stud. wee see what ability you are of: I pray walk with us to our fellows, and weele agree presently.  Phil. 
We will follow you strait M. Burbage.  Kempe. 
Its good manners to follow us, master Phil. and master Otioso.  Phil. 
And must the basest trade yield us relief?  
Must we be practised to those leaden spouts,  
That nought down vent but what they do receive?  
Some fatal fire hath scorched our fortunes wing,  
And still we fall, as we do upward spring:  
As we strive upward to the vaulted sky,  
We fall and feel our hateful destiny.  Stud. 
Wonder it is sweet friend thy pleading breath,  
So like the sweet blast of the south-west wind,  
Melts not those rocks of ye, those mounts of woe,  
Congeald in frozen hearts of men below.  Phil. 
Wonder as well thou mayst why 'mongst the waves,  
'mongst the tempestuous waves on raging sea,  
The wailing merchant can no pitty crave.  
What cares the wind and weather for their pains?  
One strikss the sail, another turns the same,  
He shakes the main, an other takes the Ore,  
An other laboureth and taketh pain,  
To pump the sea into the sea again.  
Still they take pains, still the loud winds do blow  
Till the ships prouder mast be laid below:  Stu. 
Fond world that nere thinks on that aged man,  
That Ariostoes old swift paced man,  
Whose name is time, who never lins to run,  
Loaden with bundles of decayed names,  
The which in Lethes lake he doth entomb,  
save onely those which swanlike schollers take,  
And do deliver from that greedy lake.  
Inglorious may they live, inglorious die,  
That suffer learning live in misery.  Phil. 
What caren they, what famed their ashes haue,  
When once they're cooped up in silent grave?  Stud. 
If for faire famed they hope not when the die,  
Yet let them fear graues staining Infamy.  Phil. 
Their spendthrift heires will those firebrands quench  
Swaggering full moistly on a taverns bench.  Stud. 
No shamed sire for all his glofing heir,  
Must long be talked of in the empty air.  Stud. 
Beleeue me thou that art my second self,  
My vexed soul is not disquieted,  
For that I miss, is gaudy painted state,  
Whereat my fortunes fairly aimed of late.  
For what am I, the meanest of many mo,  
That earning profit are repaide with wo?  
But this it is that dorh my soul torment,  
To think so many actiueable wits,  
That might contend with proudest birds of Po,  
Sits now immured within their private cells,  
Drinking a long lank watching candles smoke,  
Spending the marrow of their flowering age,  
In fruitless poring on some worm eat leaf:  
When their deserts shall seem of due to claim.  
A cheerful crop of fruitful swelling sheaf,  
Cockle their harvest is, and weeds their grain,  
Contempt their portion their possession pain:  Stud. 
Schollers must frame to live at a low sail,  Phil. 
〈◇〉 sailing where there blows no happy gale.  Stud. 
Our ship is ruined, all her tackling rent.  Phil. 
And all her gaudy furniture is spent.  Stud. 
tears be the waves whereon her ruins bide.  Phil. 
And sighs the winds that wastes her broken side.  Stud. 
mischief the Pilot is the ship to steer.  Phil. 
And Wo the passenger this ship doth bear.  Stud. 
Come Philomusus, let us break this chat,  Phil. 
And break my heart, oh would I could break that.  Stud. 
Lets learn to act that tragic part we haue.  Phil. 
Would I were silent actor in my grave.    


Actus 5. Scena 1.  Phil.& Stud. become fiddlers with their consort. Phil. 
And tune fellow Fiddlers, Studioso& I are ready. ( they tune.  Stud: going aside saith. 
fair fell good Orpheus, that would rather be  
King of a mole hill, then a Keysars slave:  
Better it is 'mongst fiddlers to be chief,  
Then at players trencher beg relief.  
But ist not strange this mimic apes should priz●  
unhappy Schollers at a hireling rate.  
Vile world, that lifts them up to hye degree,  
And treads us down in groveling misery.  
England affords those glorious vagabonds,  
That carried erst their farthels on their backs,  
Coursers to ride on through the gazing streets,  
Sooping it in their glaring satin suits,  
And Pages to attend their maisterships:  
With mouthing words that better wits haue framed,  
They purchase lands, and now esquires are made.  Phil. 
What ere they seem being even at the best,  
They are but sporting fortunes scornful jests.  Stud. 
So merry fortune is wont from rags to take,  
Some ragged groom, and him some gallant make.  Phil. 
The world and fortune hath played on us too long.  Stud. 
Now to the world we fiddle must a song.  Phil. 
Our life is a plain song with cunning penned,  
Whose highest pitch in lowest base doth end.  
But see our fellowes unto play are bent:  
If not our mindes, lets tune our instruments.  Stud. 
lets in a private song our cunning try,  
Before we sing to stranger company.  Phil. sings. The tune. 
HOw can he sing whose voice is hoarse with care?  
How can he play whose heart strings broken are?  
How can he keep his rest that nere found rest?  
How can he keep his time whom time nere blessed?  
Onely he can in sorrow bear a parte,  
With untaught hand and with vntuned hart.  
Fond arts farewell, that swallowed haue my youth.  
adieu vain muses that haue wrought my ruth.  
Repent fond sire that traynd'st thy happlesse son,  
In learninges loare since bounteous alms are done.  
Cease, cease harsh tongue, vntuned music rest:  
entomb thy sorrows in thy hollow breast.  Stud. 
Thankes Phil. for thy pleasant song,  
Oh had this world a touch of juster grief:  
Hard rocks would weep for want of our relief.  Phil. 
The could of wo hath quiter untuned my voice,  
And made it too too harsh for listining ear:  
Time was in time of my young fortunes spring,  
I was a gamesome boy and learned to sing.  
But say fellow musicans, you know best whether we go, at what door must we imperiously beg.  jack. fid. 
Here dwells Sir Raderick and his son: it may be now at this good time of New year he will be liberal, let us stand near and draw.  Phil. 
Draw callest thou it, indeed it is the most desperate kind of service that ever I adventured on.   

Act. 5. Scena. 2.  Enter the two Pages. Sir. Rad pa. 
My master bidds me tell you that he is but newly fallen a sleep, and you base slaves must come and disquiet him: what never a basket of Capons? mass, and if he comes hele commit you all.  Amor. Pag. 
Sirra jack, shall you and I play Sir Raderick and Amoretto, and reward these fiddlers, Ile, my master Amoretto, and give them as much as he useth.  Sir Rad. 
And I my old master Sir Raderick: fiddlers play. Ile reward you, faith I will.  Amor pag. 
Good faith this pleaseth my sweet mistress admirably: cannot you play twytty twatty fool, or to be at her, to be at her.  Rad. pag. 
Haue you never a song of master Dowlands making?  Am. pag. 
Or Hos ego versiculos feci &c. A pox on it, my master Am. useth it very often. I haue forgotten the verse.  Rad. pag. 
Sir Theon: here are a couple of fellowes brought before me, and I know not how to decide the cause, look in my Christmas book who brought me a present  Am. pag. 
On shores day goodman fool brought you a present, but goodman clown brought you none.  Rad. pag. 
Then the right is on goodman fools side.  Am. pag. 
My mistress is so sweet, that al the Phifitions in the town cannot make her stink, she never goes to the stool, oh she is a most sweet little munkey. Please your worship good father yonder are some would speak with you.  Rad. pag. 
What haue they brought me any thing, if they haue not, say I take physic.  
Forasmuch fiddlers, as I am of the peace, I must needs love all weapons and instruments, that are for the peace, among which I account your fiddles, because they can neither bite nor scratch, mary now finding your fiddles to jar, and knowing that jarring is a cause of breaking the peace, I am by the virtue of my office and place to commit your quarreling fiddles to close prisomment in their cases.  They call within. 
sha ho, Richard, jack.  Am. page.. 
The fool within, mars our play without. Fiddlers set it on my head, I use to size my music, or go on the score for it, Ile pay it at the quarters end.  Rad. page.. 
Farewell good Pan, sweet Irenias adieu, Don Orpheus a thousand times farewell.  jack Fid. 
You swore you would pay us for our music.  Rad. page.. 
For that Ile give master Recorders law, and that is this, there is a double oath, a formal oath, and a material oath: a material oath cannot be broken, the formal oath may be broken, I swore formally: farewell fiddlers.  Phil. 
Farewell good wags, whose wits praise worth I deem,  
Though somewhat waggish, so we all haue been.  Stud. 
Faith fellow fiddlers, heres no silver found in this place, no not so much as the usual Christmas entertainment of musicans, a black jack of bear, and a Christmas pie.  They walk aside from their fellowes. Phil. 
Where ere we in the wide world playing be,  
Misfortune bears a part, and mars our melody,  
Impossible to please with politics strain,  
Our hearts strings broken, are nere to be tuned again.  Stud. 
Then let us leave this base fiddling trade,  
For though our purse should mend, our credit fades.  Phil. 
Full glad I am to see thy mindes free course,  
Declining from this trencher waiting trade.  
Well may I now disclose in plainer guise,  
What erst I meant to work in secret wise:  
My busy conscience checked my guilty soul,  
For seeking maintenance by base vassalage,  
And then suggested to my searching thought,  
A shepherds poor secure contented life,  
On which since then I doted every hour,  
And meant this same hour in sadder plight,  
To haue stolen from thee in secrecy of night.  
dear friend thou seek'st to wrong my soul too much,  
Thinking that Studioso would account,  
That fortune sour, which thou accomptest sweet,  
Nor any life to me can sweeter be,  
Then happy swains in plain of Arcady.  Phil. 
Why then lets both go spend our little store,  
In the provision of due surniture:  
A shepherds hook, a tarbox and a scrip.  
And hall unto those sheep adorned hills,  
Where if not bless our fortunes we may bless our wills.  Stud. 
True mirth we may enjoy in thacked stall,  
Nor hoping higher rise, nor feating lower fall.  Phil. 
Weele therefore discharge these fiddlers. Fellow musicians, wee are sorry that it hath been your ill hap to haue had us in your company, that are nothing but scritch-owles, and night ravens, able to mar the purest melody:& besides, our company is so ominous, that where we are, thence liberality is packing, our resolution is therefore to wish you well, and to bid you farewell.  
Come Stud: let us hast away,  
Returning near to this accursed place.   

Actus 5. Scena. 3.  Enter Ingenioso, Academico. Inge. 
Faith Academico, it's the fear of that fellow, I mean the sign of the seargeants head, that makes me to be so hasty to be gone: to be brief Academico, writs are out for me, to apprehended me for my plays, and now I am bound for the Ile of doggs. Furor and Phantasma comes after, removing the camp as fast as they can: farewell, mea si quid vota valebunt.  Acad. 
faith Ingenioso: I think the university is a melancholik life, for there a good fellow cannot sit two hours in his chamber, but he shall bee troubled with the bill of a Drawer, or a Vintner: but the point is, I know not how to better myself, and so I am say to take it.   

Act. 5. Scen. 4.  Phil, Stud. Furor, Phant. Phil. 
Who haue we there, Ingenioso, and Academico?  Stud. 
The very same, who are those, Furor and Phantasma?  Furor takes a louse off his sleeve. Furor. 
And art thou there six footed Mercury?  Phan. with his hand in his bosom. 
Are rhymes become such creepers now a dayes?  
Presumptuous louse, that doth good manners lack,  
Daring to creep vpon Poet Furors back:  
Multum refert quibuscum vixeris.  
Non videmus Manticae quod in tergo est.  Phil. 
What Furor and Phan. too, our old college fellowes, let us encounter them all. king: Acad. Furor. Phantasma. God save you all.  Stud. 
What Ingen. Acad. Furor. Phantasma: howe do you brave lads.  Ing. 
What our deere friends Phil. and Stud?  Aca. 
What our old friends Phil. and Stud?  Fur. 
What my supernatural friends?  king, 
What news with you in this quarter of the city?  Phil. 
We haue run through many trades, yet thrive by none.  
poor in content, and onely rich in moan,  
A cords life thou knowest I wont to admire,  
Turning a Cambridge apple by the fire.  
To live in humble dale we now are bent,  
Spending our dayes in fearless merriment.  Stud. 
Weel teach each three even of the hardest kind,  
To keep our woeful name within their rind:  
Weel watch our flock, and yet weele sleep withall.  
Weele tune our sorrows to the waters fall,  
The woods and rocks with our sh●ill songs weel● bless,  
Let them prove kind since men prove pitiless.  
But say whether are you and your company iogging: it seems by your apparel you are about to wander.  Ing. 
Faith we are fully bent to be Lords of misrule in the worlds wide heath: our voyage is to the Ile of Dogges, there where the blattant beast doth rule and reign Renting the credit of whom it please.  
Where serpents tongs the pen men are to writ,  
Where cats do waule by day, dogges by night:  
There shall engoared venom be my ink,  
My pen a sharper quill of porcupine,  
My stained paper, this sin loaden earth:  
There will I writ in lines shall never die,  
Our feared Lordings crying villainy.  Phil. 
A gentle wit thou hadst, nor is it blame,  
To turn so tart for time hath wronged the same,  Stu. 
And well thou dost from this fond earth to flit,  
Where most mens pens are hired parasites.  Aca. 
Go happily, I wish thee store of gal,  
sharply to wound the guilty world withall:  Phil. 
But say, what shall become of Furor and Phantasma?  Ing. 
These my companions still with me must wend,  Aca. 
Fury and fancy on good wits attend.  Fur. 
When I arrive within the isle of Doggs,  
Don Phoebus I will make thee kiss the pump.  
Thy one eye pries in every Drapers stall,  
Yet never thinks on poet Furors need:  
Furor is lousy, great Furor lousy is,  
Ile make thee run this lousy case I wis.  
And thou my cluttish laundress Cinthia,  
Nere thinks on Furors linen, Furors shirt:  
Thou and thy squirting boy endymion,  
Lies slauering still vpon a lawless couch,  
Furor will haue thee carted through the dirt,  
That makest great poet Furor want his shirt.  Inge. 
Is not here a tru● dog that dare bark so boldly at the Mooone.  Phil. 
Exclayming want and needy care and cark,  
Would make the mildest wright to bite and bark.  Phan. 
Canes timidi vehementius latrant. There are certain burrs in the Ile of doggs called in our English tongue, men of worship, certain briars as the Indians call them, as we say certain lawyers, certain great lumps of earth, as the Arbians call them, certain grosers as wee term them, quos ego said motos praestat componere fluctus.  Inge. 
We three unto the snarling island hast,  
And there our vexed breath in snarling wast.  Phil. 
We will be gone unto the downs of Kent,  
Sure footing we shall find in humble dale:  
Our fleecy flock weel learn to watch and ward,  
In Iulyes heat and could of january:  
Weel chant our woes vpon an oaten reede,  
Whiles bleating flock vpon their supper feed:  
So shall we shun the company of men,  Stud. 
That grows more hateful as the world grows old,  
Weel teach the murmeting brooks in tears to flow:  
And steepy rock to wail our passed wo.  Acad. 
adieu you gentle spirits, long adieu:  
Your wits I love and your ill fortunes rue:  
Ile hast me to my Cambridge cell again,  
My fortunes cannot wax but they may wain.  Inge. 
adieu good sheppards, happy may you live,  
And if hereafter in some secret shade,  
You shall recount poor schollers miseries,  
Vouchsafe to mention with tears swelling eyes,  
Ingeniosoes thwarting destinyes,  
And thou still happy Academico,  
That still mayst rest vpon the muses bed,  
enjoying there a quiet slumbering,  
When thou repayest unto thy Grantaes stream,  
Wonder at thine own bliss, pitty our case,  
That still doth tread ill fortunes endless maze,  
Wish them that are preferments Almoners,  
To cherish gentle wits in their green bud:  
For had not Cambridge been to me unkind,  
I had not turned to gull a milkye mind.  Phil. 
I wish thee of good hap a plenteous store,  
Thy wit deserves no less, my love can wish no more.  
Farewell, farewell good Academico.  
never mayst thou taste of our sore passed woe.  
Wee wish thy fortunes may attain their due:  
Furor and you Phantasma both adue.  Acad. 
Farewell, farewell, farewell, o long farewell,  
The rest my tongue conceals, let sorrow tell,  Phan. 
Et longum vale, inquit Iola.  Furor. 
farewell my masters, Furor's a masty dog,  
Nor can with a smooth glozing farewell cog.  
Nought can great Furor do, but bark and howl,  
And snarl, and grin, and carl, and towze the world,  
Like a great swine by his long lean carded lugges.  
Farewell musty, dusty, rusty, fusty London,  
Thou art not worthy of great Furors wit,  
That cheatest virtue of her due desert,  
And sufferest great Apolloes son to want.  Inge. 
Nay stay while and help me to content:  
So many gentle wits attention,  
Who kennes the laws of every comic stage,  
And wonders that our scene ends discontent.  
Ye airy wits subtle,  
Since that few schollers fortunes are content,  
Wonder not if our scene ends discontent.  
When that your fortunes reach their due content,  
Then shall our scene end in her merriment.  Phil. 
Perhaps some happy wit wi●h ceiling hand,  
Hereafter may record the pastoral  
Of the two schollers of Pernassus hil,  
And then our scene may end and haue content.  Inge. 
mean time if there be any spiteful Ghost,  
That smiles to see poor schollers misery:  
could is his charity, his wit too dull,  
We scorn his censure, he is a jeering guile.  
But threescore refined sprights there be,  
That deeply groan at our Calamity,  
Whose breath is turned to sighs, whose eyes are wet,  
To see bright arts bent to their latest set:  
Whence never they again their heads shall rear,  
To bless our art disgracing hemispheere.  Inge. 
Let them.  Furor. 
Let them.  Phan. 
Let them.  All give us a plaudite. Acad. 
And none but them.  Phil. 
And none but them.  Stud. 
And none but them.    
FINIS.