A pleasant History Of the Life and Death of Will Summers.  
And how he came first to be known at the Court, and how he came up to London, and by what means he got to be King Henry the eights jester.  
With the entertainment that his cousin Patch, cardinal Wolsey's fool, gave him at his Lords house, and how the hogs-heads of gold were known by this means, and were seized on at his seller in old Fish-street.  
LONDON: Printed by I. oaks and are to be sold by F. Grove and T. Lambart. 1637.   

The Life of Will Summers.  
THe Proverb tells us, Stultorum plena sunt omnia; All places are full of fools. There is Solomons fool, He that despiseth wisdom and knowledge: there is St. Gregories fool, Who is busy in other mens matters, and careless and negligent of his own: there is Democritus his fool, Who onely doateth upon things absent, and what is present, despiseth, though much more commodious and beneficial than things past. Socrates hath his rich fool, whom he calleth A golden slave: Cicero's fool, who can neither endure things present, nor prevent what is to come: There is dionysius his fool, who beareth himself arrogantly to the humble, and submissively to the proud: There is Pachimerus his fool, who in serious things sports, and in trifles and toys is serious. Aristotles fool, who hath not sense to distinguish good from bad. There is Crates his fool, who in prosperity is drunk, in adversity mad. There is Seneca's fool, who always is but beginning to live, and feeds his fancies with new hopes even in the extremity of his age. There is Procopius his fool, that considereth not in the beginning what the end may be, but repenteth himself in the midst, & so of the rest.  
Now as there are divers sorts of fools, so there are sundry kinds of folly; as dulness, blockishness, stupidity, folly, fatuity, &c. That which we call Stultitia, or foolishness, imports an obtusenesse or dulness of the spiritual sences: that which we call Fatuity, or Ideotisme, implies a privation of all: the rest wee admit as intermediates, and participating of both; there is also a senseless and braine-sick stupidity, that hath alliance to the rest, of which I will give you some few historical instances.  
The Thracians were generally held to be so blockish, that they could not tell to five; and being upon a time refractory to their general, and refusing to be guided and governed by him, bee caused an infinite company of Ladders to be made, at which they wondering, demanded the cause thereof, who  told them again, that since they were rebellious to his command, he purposed to set one of those Ladders on the top of another, and fasten them end to end, by which he purposed to climb up to Heaven, and complain to Juno of their late disobedience, with which answer being terrified, they wholly submitted themselves, and never after dared to mutiny against him.  
The Arcadians were also of such stupidity, that as Erasmus in his Proverbs reports, they refused to entertain any music( how sweet soever) into their cities; in which they also interdicted the profession of all liberal Arts and Sciences. As absurd things wee red of the Lesbians: The Athenians at the first erecting of their City, the Abderitae, and others.  
Xerxes also, King of the Persians, because he was defeated by the Greekes in a great Sea-battaile, caused the Hellespont to be beaten with many stripes: he sent also an Epistle to the mountain Athos, which lifteth up his head into the clouds, to this purpose: do not thou oh mighty Athos, yeel● me, towards my vast buildings, stones too great and intractable, lest in my fury I caused thee to be digged down, and precipitate thee into the Ocean. The like imputation of madness, or folly, hath been put upon the two warlike nations of the Greeks and the Trojans, to spend the lives of so many brave Kings, Princes, Commanders, and Souldiers, the one in detaining the other of one lascivious and inconstant prostitute.  
Folly is the poverty of the mind, and amongst fools, he is held to be the greatest fool, that knoweth little, and would seem to understand much. A faire and a beautiful person, saith Diogenes, that is defective in his sences, is like a gorgeous house inhabited with a bad Tenant. The fool wanteth much, and were he possessed of all things, yet did he not know how to use any of them; for the more rich a fool is, the more foolish he is. A simplo or ignorant person may be known by three things; he cannot rule himself, because he lacketh reason; he cannot resist his passions, because he wanteth wit; neither can he act that which he would do, because he is in bondage to folly; for where there is no capacity or apprehension, all persuasion or instruction is in vain. It is better to be unborn, than unknowing; for want of understanding is the roote of all misfortune; neither is ignorance ever truly known to be ignorance, till it be matched with knowledge. unicum est bonum scientia,& malum unicum est ignorantia: that is, The onely good is knowledge, and the onely evil is ignorance. In adversity it is a blessing, in prosperity a scorn; it hath the boldest face, and cowardliest expression, and is no better than the mere franzy of the mind: but as vessels are known by their sound whether they be whole or broken, so men are found by their speech and ●ehaviour, whether they be wise or foolish: and as the wisdom of wise men continuaily augmenteth; so the stupidity of the foolish evermore increaseth. Some be fools by nature, such as we call mere naturals, or idiots: others be cunning and crafty fools, who when they cannot thrive by their wisdom, seek to live by their folly; and such an one, it may be imagined, was this Will Summers, of whom is our present Argument: for as some things proceeding from him savoured of a mere brainless stupidity; so other things again expressed in him awary acute and ingenious capacity; so that he might be imagined to be a mixture of two metals, or a compound of fool and knave, in which word I no way tax his honesty, but rather intend in it his crafty simplicity.  
I shall not need to stand long to discourse upon his birth breeding, and parents: onely I will deliver unto you some pleasant passages of his in the country, before he came to bee a Courtier: onely he was of a low stature, of a pleasant countenance, and of a nimble body and gesture, and had a good mother-wit in him, as the story hereafter will show.  
Will Summers passing by chance where he heard a poor miller begging an alms of a Baker, and desired to give him something for the alliance that was betwixt their two trades: Summers asked the miller, how many farmers had been customers to his mill, who answered him, seven or eight, and that he onely ground all their corn: to whom he replied again: Baker it is pitty to give this fellow any thing: for I find by him he is more fool than knave; for if there had been any wit in him at all, he would have undone all these Farmers before himself would have been forced thus to go a begging.  
When his mother went to burial, he following the Hearse, stretched out his voice, and sung as loud as he was able, for which his father reproving him, he made answer and said, Father you are the greatest fool of the two; for the Priest and clerk will not sing for her, unless you hire them with money, and you see I am content to do it of free-cost▪  
coming with a friend or companion of his into a victualing-house, they called for eggs, which when they had eaten, and satisfied the hostess, Will Summers made hast to bee gone, and his partner could not make him stay any longer by any means: but being some distance from the house, his friend asked him what was the reason he made such speed thence▪ mary, saith he because my hostess should not call me to question for an after reckoning; for in one of mine eggs there was a whole Chicken, and I supped it off at one mouthful, and never paid for it.  
In their way home it happened, Will Summers, having his bundle at his back, and straining himself with taking too large a stride, let fly a great scape from behind, which the other hearing, said unto him, now out upon thee for a beastly fool, what hast thou done? who answered him again, thou must needs excuse me; and further I can assure thee, if my Tails could have borrowed thy tongue to have made use of, it would have been talking long ago.  
Vpon a time being walking in the middle of Summer, and the Sun shining very hot upon him, insomuch that he sweat again, looking up to the Elements, he said, now if thou be'st a God, sun take in thy beams, and keep them in till next winter, and if you will afford me them then, I shall be much beholding unto thee.  
Another time Will Summers and his Horse having crost a river in a Ferry-boate, and being very fearful upon the water, he sp●ke never a word till he had got safe over, and then sitting himself down upon the farther shore, and fetching a great sigh, he said, now what a blockish and senseless fool am I, for if I had been drowned in the river, how miserable would my father have beaten me?  
Vpon a time being in place where a deboist gallant came in, whose onely talk was of his Gentry, and from what a noble house he was descended, Will Summers seeing him so brave in words, and poor in habit, said unto him, what a coil is here with talking of Gentry and Nobility? I do not think but if the truth were known, our Millers horse is the better gentleman of the two; for you shal never see him go abroad without a man to wait upon him.  
Another time a Miller having abused him, he  told him, that he thought there was nothing that he could imagine, was more valiant than the coller of a Millers shirt: who asking him what reason he had to think so? made present answer, mary because every morning it hath a thief by the neck.  
Vpon a time being very sick& weak by reason of a fever that had long troubled him, a neighbour coming to give him some wholesome ghostly counsel▪ bad him be of good comfort, and  told him, that if he were taken out of this vain transitory world, he should bee immediately taken up, and carried up into Paradise: who answered him that he was glad of that with all his heart: for if the way to Paradise were any part of it up the hill, he was never able to travel thither on foot, his legs were so weak and so feeble.  
On a time Will Summers wanting money, and having neither money nor credit, knew not what to do: at length bethinking with himself how to get some coin, it being Summer time, he goes into a hollow three, and there gets a great deal of the powder or dust of the three, and laps it up in little papers like to Tobacco, and rides unto a town where he was not known; and it being a market-day, opened a box which he had before him, wherein were all these papers full of this powder, and there with a loud voice cries out, buy a Tormentor for pleas, buy a tormentor of pleas: the people at that season being much troubled with pleas, bought every one two penny worth, and asked him how they should use it: Thus said he; strew it on the sheets before you go to bed, and I will warrant you, it will torment and kill them all. So in a short space Will Summers had sold all, and had got store of money, and went away merrily to his fathers house. So the next market-day following, he wanting more money, went again with more of the same powder, and took money enough; and some of those which had formerly bought the powder of him,  told him that it did no good, but rather disturbed them of their sléeps, nor did it kill the pleas: Then said Will Summers, you did not as I  told you; yes indeed, we did strew it in the bed: Ey but said Will Summers, you should have had a little stick in one hand, and with the other hand have caught them by the nap of the neck, and so have thrust it down their throats, and that will so torment them, that they will never trouble you again. So they bought more of the same powder, and went home, and thanked him hearty, without any suspicion of his knavery and deceit therein.  
Above all things, Will Summers could not endure the lie, and if any man  told him that he lied, he would be sure to strike him with the next thing that came into his hand. It so happened, that he telling a Tale according to his fashion, one that stood by, and heard him, said unto him, Nay that( William) I hold to bee an arrant lie, at which he growing to a pelting chafe, snatched up a good cudgel, and came towards him, holding it over his head, and asked him why he gave him the lie? the other knowing his suddenness, and that he was but a word and a blow, denied his words, and said, he said no such thing: Ey but said he, thou didst; but said the other, I did not: he still urged it, and the other denied it so long, that at length he broke out, and said, thou liest in thy throat, and in thy guts, to say that I offered to give thee the lie, at which word he flung away his cudgel, and said, that word hath given me satisfaction: It was well that thou didst not say I lied, for if thou hadst, I would not have left beating thee whilst thou hadst had one whole bone in thy skin.  
To one that had two children at one birth, Will Summers came and  told him, that he had the most honest and faithfullest wife of any man that was in the whole parish, he demanding wherein? wherein saith he? why she hath brought thee two children at once, and hath given them both unto thee; when, if she had not been just and honest, shee might have concealed the one of them▪ and kept it to herself.  
His Father upon a time sent him unto the Horse-market with a nag to sell, now when he came to the place where the chapmen resorted, and every one rid his horse to and fro, to make them the more credible, he tied his horse in a corner, and sate him down close by him: At length one spying the nag, and seeing him to be a very like beast, and thinking him to be the seller, because he sate so near him, he asked him what business he had there? who answered, I cannot tell; he asked him whose horse that was? he answered, his that would buy him: said the other, Thou canst not sell him by sitting here; then( answered he) I will keep him, and carry him away: he asked him if he were sound of wind and limb, sure if he were, replied he again, I think my Father is not such a fool as to part with▪ him. The chapman perceiving his simplicity, imagined it to bee free from all deceit and cunning, bargained for him, and bought him.  
he being easing his body▪ and close at his business, one that knew him passing by, called to him, and said aloud, Well said Will, I see thou art doing that which no man can do for thee: who answered, I do not desire it, for I am old enough to do it for myself: The other replied, Indeed it is that which no body can be without; to whom( having made an end of what he was doing,& rising withall) he said, Nay that is not so, for I can be without it now, and if you like it you may take it for your labour.  
His Father sending him into the country upon some business, being benighted by the way, he light upon a Cottage, whereby much entreaty he got shelter; but the house affording no spare bed, he was forced to make shift and lie in an out house where was a Hay▪ loft: Now the man having a Cow that had newly calved, had laid it there for warmth sake, in which Will laid himself close by it, not perceiving that any such thing was there. In the night he had a terrible dream, for he thought he had a great swelling in his belly, which troubled him very sore, and that in the end he was delivered of a calf: Now at the break of day waking, and finding the young calf so near him, presently apprehended that his dream was true, and fearing lest it would come to light, he presently got up, and taking his supposed birth in his arms, cast it into a ditch, and drowned it, running away homeward as fast as his legs were able to carry him.  
His Father not being well, sent him with his urine to have some counsel from the Doctor, who knocking at his door, and the physician opening unto him, he presented him the urinal, who, as he took it from his hand, asked him withal from whence he came? to whom he made answer, I hope your Worship is wise enough to find that in the Water.  
Being asked by one, why a dog, when he made water still lifted up his leg? he answered. For manners sake, and lest he should bepisse his stockings.  
Vpon a time being where he wanted a bed, and for necessities sake, was forced to lie all the night on the bare boards, where he took very bad rest, tossing and tumbling from one side to another, by reason of his hard lodging; when rousing himself in the morning,& complaining of an ache in his bones, and casting his eye down upon the flower, and spying a feather on the ground, on which he perceived he had lain all that night; fetching a great sigh, he said▪ Now alas, how much do I pitty rich men, what rest can they take lying upon such variety, and choice of feather-beds? when I having but one poor feather under me, have been thus miserable tormented.  
Many and almost infinite were ●is jests which past from him in ●he country for stupid and flmple, others witty and wise, insomuch, it could not be easily guest to which his constitution was most inclined: but always he abhorred all nastiness: keeping himself very handsome and cleanly; insomuch, that from the country his famed spread as far as the Court, and came to the ear of the King, who sent for him to see and talk with him.  
Divers are the demeanours and dispositions of those which we call fools and idiots; some are of a sullen and dogged nature, others of a merry and pleasant humour: one in rainy weather will bee full of sport and laughter: if you ask him why? he will tell you then, when the rain is over, there will come faire weather, and rejoice to think upon it:& when the rain is over,& faire weather comes, he will be sad and drooping; demand the cause, that when the faire weather is over, the foul will come again: I have known another of such a contradictory spirit, that whatsoever you entreated him to do, he would he dogged and deny it; but that you warn him to forbear, that he would do, though he were sure to be soundly disciplind for his pains; but this Will Summers was of an easy nature,& tractable disposition, who after he had found the fashions of the Court, and tried the humour of the K. complide so well with both, that he gained not onely great grace and favour from his majesty, but a general love from the Nobility: for he was no carry-tale, nor whisperer, nor flattering insinuater, to breed discord and dissension, but an honest plain downright, that would speak home without halting,& tell the truth of purpose to shane the devil, so that his plainness mixed with a kind of facetiousnes,& tartnes with pleasantness, made him very acceptable into the ●●mpanies of all men. I  told you he was sent for to the Court; and coming up to London with his clothes at his back▪& passing through one of the inns of Court in the height of the term, he observed a great company of gentlemen in their gowns, and demanded of one that was with him, of what calling or profession they were, who  told him they were Lawyers: Lawyers, saith he? indeed; for their sakes I am sorry for the whole City: Why? replied the other, mary, saith he, because we have but one Lawyer in the shire where I live, and he hath undone the whole country; now they having so many here, I am greatly afraid, that in short space they will undo the whole City.  
Well to the Court he was brought, and had admittance into the presence of the King, but what conference they had together, is beyond me, in regard that I was not then present: and to discern the King the better, he put on a pair of Spectacles; and being, asked the reason, said, he could see every common man with his eyes, but to see the King he would put them on. But some say, that he asked him how many legs a Mutton had? who answered him two: again he asked him, how he could make that good? he replied that he had heard in the country, how ● sheep had four legs, but being killed, and then call▪ d a mutton, it had onely two legs, and two shoulders. He next demanded of him,( he being a fool) whether he were capable to inherit any land? who answered him again, that he thought he might: The King demanded his reason? mary saith he, my Father being a wise man, begot me a fool; now why may not I( being a fool) beget a wise child to inherit my land, if I had any: with such and the like questions the King made trial of him, and presently entertained him both into his grace and livery, and now who but Will Summers the Kings fool? who had got such an interest in him by reason of his quick& facetious jests, that he could have admittance into his majesties chamber, and have his ear, when a great noble man, nay, a privy counsellor could not bee suffered to speak with him: and further, if the King were angry, or displeased with any thing if no man else durst demand the cause of his discontent, then was Will Summers provided with one pleasant conceit or another, to take off the edge of his displeasure: but from the general, I come to some particulars of his jests, or merry conceits.  
The King upon a time riding upon his progress with his Nobles, and the cardinal Wolsey, past by a place, where( it seemeth) he had a mistress, which Will Summers well knew, the King being disposed to be merry, asked him if he could rhyme? rhyme my Liege saith he? that I can, for I have in me much more rhyme than Reason: Then replied he again, look up towards that Turret, and answer to me in rhyme what I shall tell thee, and began thus:  

Within yond Tower  
There is a flower,  
That hath my heart.   
To whom Will Summers instantly replied,  

Within this hour  
She pist full sour,  
And let a fart.   
Which the King laughed at exceedingly; then the cardinal would needs rhyme with him,& thinking thereby to have daunted him for his bold answer to the King, began, Come William, what say you to this rhyme?  

A rod in the school  
And a whip for a fool,  
Is always in season.   
Then answered Will Summers,  

A Halter and a Rope  
For him that would be Pope  
Against all right and reason.   
Which the cardinal hearing, bit his lip; for at that time there was some speech that the cardinal did aim at it. These homely jests might pass in those dayes, though the refinednesse of these our times will neither admit such coursnesse of language, nor such boldness with Princes.  
Nay, in those times, as they were bold in their language, so oft-times they would not make it a thing squeamish, to bee somewhat profane: for the Proverb being then on foot, That there were three several Trades that could never be free from Felony, namely, Weavers, Millers, and tailors. The King asked his fool what he thought of M●●●ers? Of M●●●ers saith he? I will tell your majesty; I hold them to bee a kin to the blessed Virgin: Your reason saith the King? mary answered he, I shall tell you; she above all colours prefereth white vesture, as betokening purity, sincerity, and chastity; and in that they also strive to imitate her; for you shall never meet a Miller but in a white and mealy habit: next, as she was before the birth a Virgin, in the birth a Virgin, and after the birth a Virgin: so a Miller is before his Mill a thief, in his Mill a thief, and behind his Mill a thief: but these words, though they be privileged for fools, are not authentical for wise men.  
It was a custom in those dayes that no man should be admitted into the Kings guard, but such as were tall statur'd, well featured, strong men, and valiant. Now it happened, that some places being then empty, to fill up the number, divers Noble-men had preferred some of their servants, and presented them unto the King;( Will Summers then standing by) saith one of them, See my Liege, this man is no coward, for he hath received this hurt in his face: And saith another, and this my man hath had such and such cuts in the leg: saith the third, and mine hath had so many dangerous wounds in the body, and withall caused them to show their scars which were apparent; which the Prince observing, and as the Proverb goeth, King Harry loved a man, he was willing to receive them into the band; but before he would entertain them, he asked Will Summers what he thought of these stout and tall fellows? who answered him again, that he thought them not fit for his service: the King demanding his reason, mary saith he, I see these men have indeed been hurt, and mangled, and have their mends in their own hands: but I would have thee to sand out, and make inquiry for the men that gave them these wounds; for in my mind, they of the two( if thou shouldst stand in need of them) are the fittest for thy service.  
One asking Will Summers why the best and richest benefice were for the most part, conferred on the most unworthy and unlearned men? he made answer, do not you observe daily, that upon the most weak and poorest jades are laid the greatest burdens, and upon the best and swiftest horses placed the youngest and lightest Gallants?  
Vpon a time passing by a very hard favoured wench he said to one in his company, And is not that a very dainty fine creature? which the Lasse over-hearing and knowing she was flouted, made answer again, Thou mayst walk far enough before thou shalt hear any one say so much by thee. Nay replied he, that I need not, if any man be disposed to tell as lewd a lie of me, as I did of thee.  
Will Summers coming into a chapel of the friar Minors, he saw Saint Francis painted in a very faire table, sitting in the midst of four grave and reverend Doctors; who presently called to a ●ryar, and demanded of him what ●aint Francis, being a lay-man, and 〈…〉 scholar at all, made in that ●●ace, disputing amongst the Do●●ors? The friar replied unto ●im again, why I tell thee thou ●gnorant fellow, that this Saint Francis was the greatest Doctor amongst them all: who answered, Me thinks that carrieth with it very small appearance, of truth, that the friar Minors,( which is the least friars, or the friars of the less order) should have the greatest scholar or Doctor to be their Founder or Patron.  
His custom was( by the Kings command) to keep a Catalogue or a Register of all their names in or about the Court, who had committed any notorious folly, or ridiculous act worthy just taxation or laughter, and once in a quarter of a year to bring unto the King a particular, or list of their names: It so happened, that a traveller and stranger coming from beyond the Seas, tickled the King in the head with divers Spanish Iennets, of which, if his majesty would furnish him with a certain sum of money, he would not onely furnish his stables, but his whole country( in short time) with their brood; and prevailed so far, that he had a 1000 pound paid him out of the Exchequer to that purpose, and so took his leave of the King: Some two Moneths after, being to deliver up his Register, his majesty found his own name listed amongst the rest of the fools: at which being on the sudden very angry, and asked him why he durst be so saucy, to rank him in the number of the others ridiculous for their folly? Who answered him again: mary Harry I do it not without good cause,( replied he) for here came a stranger( no man knows from whence) into thy Court, and hath made thee believe goody will bring thee horses over; ●ut when canst thou tell? Now, wast not thou a very fool to trust a ●raveller, who was neither known ●nto thee, nor unto any of thy Subiects with so much money? to whom the King replied; Ey, but what wilt thou say, if he come over just at the day appoynted, and bring me over so many Iennets as he promised? What will I say?( saith Will) mary Ile tell thee Harry; when I see this done, I will make no more ado, but faire and flatly quiter race out thy name, and put in his; and then he, and not thee, shall stand a fool upon record.  
In King Henry the eights dayes, there was great poasting to and fro for room: for the cardinal Woolsey had much business with the Pope: Now the cardinal had a natural fool to make him merry, which was called Patch; which Fool loved will Summers exceedingly; as you may behold him, saying welcome Couz, welcome Couz: but Will Summers loved him onely for his own ends; and being come to the Cardinals house, Patch the Cardinals fool, willing to give his consen Will entertainment at his Lords house, prevailed so far with him, as to have him to the seller, which was the innermost▪ or private seller, intending to drink some Wine, and for further love and courtesy, would broach a fresh Hogs-head of Wine for his Couzen; and having pierced one or two Hogs heads, nothing came out, and yet was very heavy, went to another, and so tried half a score; at length Will Summers with a Hammer that lay by, strikes the head of one of the Hogs-heads out, and there appeared nothing but Gold: Now Will Summers he saith nothing, but when he came to the Court, tells the King what a Seller of Wines he had been in at the cardinals; and that his seller yielded no such Wines, or ere would: How, says the King, have not I no such Wines in my Seller? no indeed, said Will, for there is nevera Hogs head in the Cardinals seller, but is worth ten thousand pounds, and better: Mother of God, says the King, that is such Wine that I never heard of; ten thousand pounds a Hogs-head? nay, rather more than less; Come Sirrah, says the King, tell me your meaning, for I know there is something else in it; tell me, or I will hang thee; then Will  told the King how his couzen Patch, the Cardinals fool, brought him into his seller to drink Wine, and broached two or three Hogs-heads, and no Wine came forth; so at length he burst open the head of one of the Hogs-heads, and that was full of Gold, and so was the next to that, and forty more which he saw; whereupon the King, having formerly taken a distaste at the cardinal, presently sends Messengers and other officers to the Cardinals seller, and there finds▪ 150 Hogs-heads of good gold▪ which was conveyed to the Exchequer, which money was welcome to the King, for at that time the King had great need of it: Now the Cardinal hearing of this sad fortune, fell sick at Asher in Surry, and makes friends to the King to pacify him, and withall he sent Patch his fool to be his servant; which Patch hearing, fell a crying, and would by no means have gone from him, till the cardinal was forced to command fix of his tallest Yeomen to to conduct him to the King, where they received him gladly: Then Will Summers shewed his new Couzen the Court, and divers other offices, which pleased Patch very well; and they both giving attendance.  
The King at that time having an embassy to sand to Rome, asked Will whether he had a mind to go on pilgrimage to Rome, as many of his Subiects frequently did? To whom he answered, that of all the places in the World, he had no mind to travail thither: the King demanded his reason why? he made answer, mary Harry because the old proverb is newly come into my mind, and that is this; The first time after that a man hath been at Rome, and returned from thence, he is thought to be a knave; the second time he is proved to be a knave; but the third time he is known to bee both a knave and an impostor.  
Going over with the King to Bulleine, he had complete armor made for him, from head to foot; which is to bee seen within the Tower at London: And the weather being rough and tempestuous, he never having been on shipboard before, began to be very fearful of the Sea, and calling for a piece of the saltest beef they had, began to eat it before the King very greedily; who asking him, why he eat such gross powdered meate with such an appetite, when there was such store of fresh victuals aboard? he made answer, O blame me not Harry to fill my stomach with so much salt meate before hand, knowing, if we be cast away, what a deal of water I have to drink after it.  
One thing I had forgot which he spake to the King at his first entertainment, but better inserted out of course, than altogether intermitted. His majesty after some discourse growing into some good liking of him, said, Fellow, wilt thou be my fool? who answered him again, that he had rather to bee his own fathers still, than his: the King asking him why? he  told him again, that his Father had got him a fool for himself,( having but one wife) and no body could justly claim him from him: now you having had so many wives, and still living in hope to have more, why, of some one of them, cannot you get a fool as he did? and so you shall be sure to have a fool of your own.  
The King being in discourse at Table with some of his Lords, held an argument, that of all his people in the kingdom, whether of the Nobility, Gentry, or Citty-merchants, or tradesman, of what faculty or condition soever, he thought the rustic or countryman to be the most even and plain dealing, as doing justly and equally alike to all: To whom Will Summers( then standing by) said, that he was not of his mind: Thy reason Will( said the King) what be they that deal more fairly and proportionably? mary saith he, your Bath or hot house-kéepers; for they to young and old, poor and rich, that come within their charge, give equal heat and warmth to all alike, without either difference or the least partiality.  
Vpon a time thieves breaking into his Chamber, and he perceiving them, called out unto them, and said, I wonder my masters, what you hope to find here in the dark night worth your seeking, when I can see nothing in the clear morning that is worth my keeping.  
Another time lying in a Garret, he might perceive a fellow that had raised a long ladder as high as his window, and was r●●dy to open the casement, and come in; when he suddenly rising, came to the window, and said, my friend, thou comest too early, thy best is to stay a little while, for I am not asleep yet; which the thief hearing, through fear let go his hold, and had almost broken his neck down the Ladder.  
Now Patch being at Court, every one had a great desire to talk with him, and would oftentimes give him Wine; and he loved sweet wine exceedingly, and it was as natural to him as milk for a calf; and having drank somewhat too much, that his stomach would not bear it, and fearing to be seen, lest he should have been whipped at the Porters lodge, the better to conceal this oversight, runs to a close stool, and opening the top, puts in his head, because he would not be heard to vomit; and when he had eased his stoma●k, he could not get his head out of the seat: so at length he cried out, and no body heard him for the present, and he not able to endure the smell, strived to pull his head out, which he could not do; but often forcing himself, at length pulled the stool out, which hung about his neck like a band; which some espying brought him before the King, and  told the story, which made the King laugh hearty at his folly.  
In the time of the progress Will Summers being billeted in an inn, the Host of the house took it as a great grace, that the Kings fool, or jester,( whether you please to call him) would vouchsafe to take up his lodging in his house,& when supper was brought up into the Chamber, the Host thinking to colloque with him,( because he had that time a suite at the Court, in which he thought he might do him some pleasure) began to find fault with one thing first, and then with another, saying, the Trenchers were not well scrapt, neither were the Napkings and linen white and clean enough for his worship, and flung them down the stairs, and said he would fetch better: whose back was no sooner turned, but Will Summers took the meate that was in the platters, dishes, pots, glasses, stools and all, and flung them down the stairs after him; at which, the Host coming up in a great rage, asked him what in the Divels name he meant by that? no hurt I assure you mine Host, replied he: but I seeing you cast down the Napkins and the trenchers before, I sent the meate and the dishes after, thinking your purpose was, wee should have supped below.  
Will Summers at one time being angry with his Wife, and being come from Court somewhat early, and it being Summer-time, had in his house a very fine Cat, it being a Sun-shine day, the Cat played with her shadow, and then with her tail, running round about with her tail in her mouth, which Will Summers his wife seeing fell a laughing; he presently takes the Cat and knocks out her brains; and being asked the reason why he did so, made this answer, Because his wife should not learn of her.  
Will Summers, before he came to London, having gained a good report, and being well-beloved amongst gentlemen for his merry conceits, used to come to the town every tuesday, it being a Market day, and divers Gentlemen meeting together that day at an Ordnary, which was constantly kept there; Will Summers coming in, and hearing that the hostess of the house had a Kins-woman, which was held for a very witty lasse, and she likewise having a good opinion of her own Mother wit; for her tongue was like a clock, always wagging, and she hearing that Will Summers was such a notable witty conceited fellow, took time and opportunity to let him understand, that she had as much in her head as ever was in her Grand fathers; yet in some things shee differed from the women in those dayes, for their natural complexion was their beauty: now this Butterfly, what she wanted by Nature shee doth replenish by Art, as her boxes of her white and read daily can testify. But to come to the purpose, Will Summers being come into the Ordinary amongst the Gentlemen, throws by his Cote, salutes the Gentlemen, and desires the Drawer to bring up a pint of the best Charniko. Now Will Summers had a pair of hose on, that for some offence durst not bee seen in that hue that they were first died in, for they had changed their colour very much, and in that manner, that one part seemed blew, the other green: The wench  told him, that his breeches being of so many colours, well suited with his condition; and for the antiquity of them, that they might not be forgotten wished him to let them bee put in print, and she would bear the charges: At which words the company laughed, and ieered at Will Summers; and he being much moved in his mind, that his Hose were now called in question, and before his friends, and by a maid too, answered, By my faith mistress, said Will Summers, thy face is most damnable ill painted, How mean you, good William Winter, said shee? mary thus, my bartholomew faire Baby, that if it were not for printing and painting, my Arse would be forgotten, and thy face would want reperations. At which words, shee knowing herself guilty bit her lip, and in a parrot fury went down the stairs very hastily. The gentlemen laughed at the sudden answer of will Summers: and now being dinner-time, and the meat upon the Table, the Gentlemen would needs have the company of this witty gentlewoman to dine with them; who being earnestly entreated came up, hoping ere dinner was done, to cry quittance with her friend William: and when they had placed her, they would needs have Will Summers sit next to her, because they did imagine they would have a fling one at another. Will Summers kindly entertains her; and being sate together, and sometime spent in eating and drinking, Will Summers having a mind to put a trick upon her, desired her to reach him the Capon that stood a little off her, and as shee rose up, and putting out her arm and body to reach the dish, William Summers sitting next to her, yerkes out a huge fart, which made all the company in a maze, one looking upon the other, yet they knew it came that way. Peace Gentlemen, said Will Summers, and whispered her in the ear, I will say it was I: All the company fell into a huge laughter, she into a freting fuery, vowing shee should never sleep quietly till shee was revenged of her countryman Will, and so in a great chafe shee left their company.  
Will Summers keeping his Fathers sheep in the country, did use to carry a pair of Cards in his pocket, and meeting with boyes as good as himself, would fall to cards at the Cambrian game of Whip-her-ginny, or English one and thirty; at which sport he would ●ome dayes loose a sheep or two: ●or which if his father corrected ●im, he( in revenge) would ●rive the sheep home at night over a narrow bridge, where some of them falling besides the bridge, were drowned in the swift brook. The old man, his father▪ being wearied with his ungracious dealing, complained to a Iustice, thinking to affright him from doing any more the like. In brief, before the Iustice Will Summers was brought, where( using small reverence, and less manners) the Iustice said to him, Sirrah, you are a notable villain, you play at cards, and loose your Fathers sheep at one and thirty. Will Summers replied, that it was a lie: A lie quoth the Iustice, you saucy knave, dost thou give me the lie? No, quoth Will Summers, I gave not you the lie, but you  told me the lie, for I never lost sheep at one and thirty, for when my game was one and thirty I always won. Indeed said the Iustice, thou sayest true: but I have another accusation against thee, which is, that you drive your fathers sheep over a narrow bridge, where some of them are oftentimes drowned: That's a lie too quoth Will Summers, for those that go over the Bridge are well enough, it's onely those that fall beside, which are drowned: whereto the Iustice said to Will Summers father, Old man, thou hast brought in two false accusations against thy son, for he never lost sheep at one and thirty, nor were there ever any drowned that went over the bridge.  
Vpon a time Will Summers seeing a decayed Gentleman in a very threadbare cloak, said to him, Sir you have a very watchful cloak on: Why said the poor Gentleman? the other answered, I do not think it had a good nap this seven yeeres: the Gentleman replied, and truly sir me thinks you want a nap as well as my cloak, for you talk idly for want of sleep.  
Vpon a festival day Will Summers began to have a vein of mirth, and being in the Courtyard walking with divers Gentlemen, he espied a little Gentleman, being of a very low stature, and wore a broad brim'd Hat, which he presently tells to one of his friends, saying, if that Gentleman had but such another Hat at his feet; he might be served up to the Kings Table as between two dishes.  
The King took great delight in Will Summers, for he could make such antic faces, and so change his countenance as he listed; for when at any time the King was set at dinner, Will Summers would but put in his head and face between the hangings, in such a manner, that it would make the King laugh hearty, and then he would come up to the Kings table in such a rolling and innocent posture, in holding his hands, and setting his eyes, that it is past describing, unless one saw them.  
Infinite were the jests and witty answers of this Will Summers, which would ask a longer Relation than this Tractate well affords, sparing the rest for a second part, if this former be by the Courteous Reader well accepted, concluding with that which he spake upon his deathbed.  
When he lay drawing a near unto his end, a friar, who was his ghostly father, coming to confess him of his sins, he began to examine what estate he had in possession, and to whom his purpose was to leave it? To whom he made answer, that he had a matter of some five hundred pound, which he had gotten by the favour of the King, and that he meant to leave unto the Prince of the world. The covetous friar thinking to have persuaded him to have left it unto their covert, began to grow very angry, and said, and why dost thou not rather confer it upon us who are mendicants, and needy? To whom he again replied, because I mean to die in your Doctrine: for you teach us, that all the goods& wealth of this earth belong to the Prince and Princes of this world, and therefore this my Action shall be according unto your Instruction.   

An Epitaph upon the death of will Summers, fool, or leicester to King Henry the Eight.  

STay Traveller, guess who lies here;  
I tell thee, neither Lord nor peer:  
No Knight, no Gentleman of note,  
That boasts him of his ancient coat,  
Which Heralds curiously emblazon,  
For men( well skilled therein) to gaze on:  
Know then, that this was no such man,  
And I'll express him as I can.   

He that beneath this Tomb▪ ston lies,  
Some called a fool, some held him wise:  
For which, who better proof can bring,  
Than to be favoured by a King?  
And yet again we ma● mis-doubt him,  
" A King hath always fools about him.   

Is he more idiot than the rest,  
Who in a guarded coat can jest?  
Or can he wisedoms honour gain,  
That is all bravery, and no brain?  
Sure no such thing, wit truly bread,  
I'th habit lies not, but the head.  
But whether he was fool or knave,  
He now lies sleeping in his grave;  
Who never in his life found match,  
unless the Cardinals fool, called Patch:  
Of whom, some Courtiers, who did see  
Them two alone, might say, We three:  
And t' may be feared, it is a phrase  
That may be used still in these daies.  
Well more of him what should I say?  
Both fools and wise men turn to day:  
And this is all we have to trust,  
That there's no difference in their dust.  
Rest quiet then beneath this ston,  
To whom late Archer was a drone.   Stultorum plena sunt omnia.  

Remarkable passages in King Henry the Eights time, which Will Summers took notice of.  
ANd the first was of that stout Pirat Andrew Barton, a Scottish Gentleman; which the King hearing of, being in his progress at Leicester, and withall knowing what spoil he had done, having robbed every Nation, and stopped the Kings streams, that no Merchant, almost, could pass without a strong Convoy: and at that time the King of Scots had war with the Portugals, and under that pretence, when he took our English Merchants ships and goods, he bare them in hand that they were Portugals goods; and thus he robbed at every Havens mouth. The King displeased herewith, sent Sir Edward Howard, the Lord high admiral of England; the Lord Thomas▪ Howard, son and heir to the earl of Surrey, and John Hopton to the Sea, which made ready two ships, and being at sea, by chance of foul weather and a sudden storm were separated: The Lord Howard lying in the downs, and hearing that Andrew Barton was within a few leagues, and that he was making towards Scotland, having the opportunity of a good wind, hoist his sails, and chased him so hard, that he overtooke him: so there was a sore and terrible fight betwixt them. Andrew Barton continually blew his whistle to encourage his men, but at length the Lord Howard and his company did so valiantly and so fiercely continue, that by clear strength they entred the main deck: The Scots fought very valiantly upon the hatches; but in the conclusion Andrew Barton was taken, and so sore wounded by the splinters of the ship, which a bullet made, that he dyed there in the presence of the Lord Howard, and the remnant of the Scots were taken with their ship, called the lion. Thus was this ship▪ and the other ship which did accompany her, brought to Blackwall the second of August, 1520. And those that were taken prisoners, were sent guarded to London, where they were kept as prisoners in the Archbishop of Yorkes Palace, now called White-Hall; and then after a while, were sent into Sco●land, and there received condign punishment as Law required.  
The year following dyed this Thomas Lord Howard, and was honourably interred at Thatford, and then after at Fremingham, where his body restend, being ●●rst imbalmed, and then wrapped in led. Also about that time deceased Sir Thomas lovel, Knight of the Garter, at his house at Endfield, and was butted at Holywell, an house of Nunnes besides London; now made an hospital for diseased people; unto which House he had been a great Benefactor, not onely in building of a beautiful chapel, wherein his body was interred, but in many other goodly buildings, and endowed the same with Lands.  
The first of September the year following, there was an ambassador sent from Clement the seventh, being then Pope, which brought with him divers presents but amongst them this was one which was taken notice of, and generally commended of all men which beholded it, and that was a Rose of pure Gold presented to the King at his Mannor at Windsor. The three whereon the Rose did seem to grow, was also forged of fine Gold, and wrought with branches, leaves, and flowers inamiled, which resembled natural Roses set in a pot of gold, which pot had three feet, and supported by three several antics: And in the uppermost and largest Rose was a faire Saphyre loop pierced, the bigness of an acorn; the tree itself was of height half an English yard, and in breadth a foot.  
In this year 1527, King Henry following his hawk, lept over a ditch besides the hedging, with a pole, which pole when he was upon his rise broke in sunder, so that if one of his Foot-men had not lept into the water, and lift up his head which was fast in the mud, he had there surely been drowned, or stisted.  
Like wise in the same year, and in the Moneths of November, December, and January fell such rain, that thereof ensued great floods, which destroyed cornfields, pastures, and abundance of cattle, and other beasts; and then was it dry till the twelfth of april, and from that time it rained every day and night till the third of june the year following, whereby corn and other grain failed much in the ensuing year; that it was sold at sixteen stillings the bushel; such scarcity of bread was in London, and in all England, that many dyed for want thereof: The King hearing of this great want, sent of goodness to the City of London, of his own provision 600 Quarters, or else for one week there had been little bread. The Carts that were appointed for bringing in of this corn from Stratford towards London, were met by the vulgar sort at Mile-end, to that the Lord Maior and Sheriffes were forced to go and rescue the same Carts, and provision, and to see them brought to the Markets appointed, and there to be sold, and equally distributed according to every ones necessity: And shortly after the Merchants of the Still yard in Thames street, brought and procured from Dansk such store of wheat and Rye, that the same was sold better cheap in London, than in any other parts of the kingdom of England besides.  
In the year 1530. William tindal having by good assistance and command translated the New Testament into English, and caused the same to bee printed beyond the Sea, and by his Nephew Peter oaks, then a Merchants Factor being there resident, many of them were conveyed into England among other Merchants goods, and there were made sale of as good merchandise; for many Protestans desired to have them, but this Translation was forbidden by the King to be used by his subiects.  
In the year 1533, and in the month of April, one Richard Rosse, a cook, was boiled in a cauldron of Water in the middle of West Smithfield, for poisoning of divers persons, to the number of sixteen, at the Bishop of Rochesters place: amongst the which bennet Curwin, a gentlem●n of the Bishops was one; and the said cook being full of malice and envy, intended to have poisoned the Bishop himself; but he eat no broth that day, whereby he escaped: many of the poor people which stood at the Bishops gate for relief, eat of these pottage,& many of them dyed the same day.  
In this year, King Henry took into his hands the hospital of St. james, near unto Charing-crosse, and all the meadows belonging to the same, compounding with the Sisters of that house; and they to have pensions during their lives; and then builded in the place of the said hospital a goodly mansion, retaining still the name of St. James: he also enclosed a park, with a wall of brick, now indifferently serving to the said mansion, as also to his Palace of White-hall.  
In the year following it was enacted by good advice and authority, that all Butchers whatsoever, should sell their beef and mutton by weight: beef for a half penny the pound, and Mutton for three farthings; which being devised for the great commodity of the realm( as it was thought) hath proved for otherwise: for at that time fat Oxen were sold for six and twenty shillings and eight pence the piece; fat Weathers for three shillings and four pence the piece; fat Calves for the like value; and a fat Lamb for twelve-pence.  
The Butchers of London sold penny▪ pieces of beef for the relief of the poor, every piece weighed two pound and a half; sometimes three pound for a penny; and thirteen, and sometime fourteen of these pieces for twelve pence: Mutton eight pence the quarter, and an hundred weight of beef for four shillings and eight pence▪ what price it hath grown to since, and bears now, I need not set down: At this time also, and not before, were foreign butchers permitted to sell their flesh in Leaden-hall Market in London.  
In this year was queen Elizabeth born at greenwich, on the seventh day of September, being Sunday; and was Christened on the Wednesday following in a most stately manner: the King caused a Font of Silver to be made of purpose for her christening▪  
About the year following, in the sixteenth day of August, the Kings stables at Charing-crosse were by a negligent servant set on fire by a Candle: of old time it was called the Mewce, for that the hawks were there mewed, and kept; wherein were burned many great houses, and great store of Hay and oats.  
The twentieth of March following, a Parliament being assembled, George Feres burgess for the town of plymouth was arrested in London upon an Execution; which the Lower house of Parliament hearing of, sent forth with the sergeant at arms to the Counter, then being in Bred-streete to fetch him out but the Clerkes and other Officers of the Shrieves▪ would not deliver him, till the Shrieves came themselves, who after satisfaction given delivered him: howbeit, this matter was so taken in the Common-house, that the Shrieves, Clerkes, and five of their Officers, with the party plaintiff, were sent to the Tower, and were afterward delivered by the speaker and common-house, and withall had a great check; the Shrieves were delivered from all charges, except twenty pounds for their fees, and the loss of their upper garment, which is the gentleman Porters fees.  
The third of August, at Middleton, abount eleven miles from Oxford, a woman brought forth a child, which had two perfect bodies, from the navel upwards,& were so joined together at the navel, that when they were laid in length, the one head and body was Eastward,& the other West, the legs for both the bodies grew out at the midst where the bodies joined,& had but one issue for the excrements of both bodies: they lived 18 dayes; they were of the female sex.  
FINIS.