Tarltons jests.  
drawn into these three parts.  

1 His Court-wittie jests  
2 His sound city jests.  
3 His Country pretty jests.   
Full of Delight, Wit, and honest mirth.  
 
LONDON, Printed for John Budge, and are to be sold at his shop, at the great South door of Paules. 1613.   

Tarltons Court witty jests  

Tarlton played the Drunkard before the queen.  
THE queen being discontented: which Tarlton perceiving, took vpon him to delight her with some quaint Iest, whereupon he counterfeited a Drunkard, and calling for beer, which was brought immediately: Her majesty noting his humour, commanded that he should haue no more, for quoth she, he will play the beast, and so shane himself. fear not you quoth Tarlton, for your beer is small enough. Whereat her majesty laughed hearty, and commanded that he should haue enough.   

How Tarlton deceived the Watch in Fleetstreet.  
TArlton having been late at the Court, and coming homeward through Fléetstréet, he espied the watch, not knowing how to pass them, went very fast, thinking by that means to go unexamined: but the Watch-men perceiving that he shunned them, stepped to him, and commanded him( in the Quéens name) to stand. Stand, quoth Tarlton, let them stand that can, for I cannot: so falling down as though he had been drunk, they helped him up, and so let him pass.   

How Tarlton flouted a Lady in the Court.  
VPon a time, Tarlton being among certain Ladies at a banquet which was at Gréenwitch, the queen then lying there, one of the Ladies had her face full of pimples with heat at her stomach, for which cause she refused to drink wine amongst the rest of the Ladies, which Tarlton perceiving( for he was there of purpose to iest amongst thē) quoth he, a murrain of that face which makes all the body fare the worse for it. At which the rest of the Ladies laughed, and she blushing for shane left the banquet.   

Tarltons opinion of Oysters.  
certain Noblemen and Ladies of the Court, being eating of Oysters, one of them seeing Tarlton, called him, and asked if he loved Oysters: No quoth Tarlton, for they be ungodly meat, uncharitable meat,& unprofitable meate: why? quoth the Courtiers: they are ungodly, because they are eaten without Grace: uncharitable, because they leave nought but shells: and unprofitable, because they must swim in wine.   

Tarltons resolution of a question.  
ONe of the company taking the Gentlemans part, asked Tarlton at what time he thought the devill to be most busied? When the Pope dyes quoth he: why? says the Courtier: mary( answered he) then all the divels are troubled and busied to plague him, for he hath sent many a souls before him thither, that exclaim against him.   

How a Parsonage fell into Tarltons hands.  
HEr majesty dining in the Strand at the Lord Treasurers, the Lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay all night, but nothing could prevail with her: Tarlton was in his clowns apparel, being all dinner while in the presence with her, to make her merry, and hearing the sorrow that the Noblemen made that they could not work her stay, he asked the Nobles what they would give him to work her stay: the Lords promised him any thing, to perform it: quoth he, procure me the Parsonage of shared. They caused the Patent to be drawn presently, he got on a Parsons gown, and a corner cap, and standing vpon the stairs where the queen should descend, he repeated these words: a person or no person? a person or no person? but after she knew his meaning, she not onely stayed all night, but the next day willed he should haue possession of the bnfice: a madder person was never, for he threatened to turn the Bel-mettel into lining for his purse, which he did, the Parsonage and all, into ready money.   

How Tarlton proved two Gentlewomen dishonest by their own words.  
TArlton seeing in Gréenwitch two Gentlewomen in the Garden together, to move mirth, comes to them, and inquires thus: Gentlewomen, which of you two is the honester? I, says the one, I hope without exceptions: and I quoth the other, since we must speak for ourselves: so then says Tarlton, one of you by your own words is dishonest, one being honester then the other, else you would answer otherwise: but as I found you, so I leave you.   

How Tarlton answered a wanton Gentlewoman.  
A Gentlewoman merrily disposed, being crost by Tarlton,& half angry, said, sirra▪ a little thing would make me requited you with a cuff: with a cuff Lady, says Tarlton, so would you spell my sorrow forward, but spell my sorrow backward, then cuff me and spare not: when the Gentlemen by, considered of the Word, their laughing made the simple-meaning Gentlewoman to blushy for shane.   

How Tarlton dared a Lady.  
AT the dinner in the great Chamber where Tarlton jested, the Ladies were daring one another: quoth one I ever durst any thing that is honest and honourable: a French crown of that, says Tarlton: ten pound of that says the Lady: done says one, done says another. Tarlton put a two-pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to take it away with her lips. fie says she, that is immodesty. What, tokisse says Tarlton? then immodesty bears a great hand over all: but once in your life say, you haue been beaten at your own weapon. Well sir, says she, you may say any thing. Then says Tarlton, remember I say you dare not, and so my wager is good.   

How Tarlton landed at Cuckolds haven.  
TArlton being one Sunday at Court all day, caused a pair of oars to tend him, who at night called on him to be gone: Tarlton being a carousing, drunk so long to the Watermen, that one of them was bumpsie, and so indeed were all three for the most part: at last they left Gréenwitch, the Tide being at a great low fall, the Watermen yet afraid of the cross Cables by the Lime-house: very dark and late as it was, landed Tarlton at Cuckolds-hauen, and said the next day they would give him a reason for it: But Tarlton was fain to go by land to Reddriffe on the dirty bank, every step knee deep: so that coming home, he called one of his boyes to help him off with his boots, meaning his stockings, which were dyed of another colour. Whereupon one gave him this theme next day.  

Tarlton tell me, for fain would I know,  
If thou wert landed at Culckolds-hauen or no?   
Tarlton answered thus:  

Yes Sir, and I tak't in no scorn,  
For many land there, yet miss of the horn.    

How Tarlton fought with black davie,  
NOt long since lived a little swaggerer, called black davie, who would at Sword and Buckler fight with any gentleman or other, for 12. pence: he being hired to draw vpon Tarlton, for breaking a iest vpon huffin Kate, a puncke as men termed her: one evening Tarlton coming forth at the Court-gate, being at Whitehal, and walking toward the Tilt-yard, this davie immediately drew vpon Tarlton: who on the sudden, though amazed, drew likewise, and enquired the cause, which davie denied, till they had fought about or two: Tarlton courageously got within him, and taking him in his arms, threw him into the Tilt-yard, who falling vpon his nose, broken it extremely, that ever after he snuffled in the head; poor davie lying all that night in the Tilt-yard, expecting the doors to be opened, came forth, and at the Barber▪ surgeons  told of this bloody combat, and the occasion of it was( quoth he) because Tarlton being in a tavern in the company of this damnable Cockatrice huffing Kate, called for wine: but she  told him that without he would burn it, she would not drink. No quoth Tarlton, it shal be burnt, for thou canst burn it without fire: as how sir?( quoth she) mary thus, take the Cup in thine hand& I will tell thee: So he filling the cup in her hand, said it was burnt sufficiently in so fiery a place: she perceiving herself so flouted, hired me to be her Champion to reuenge her quarrel.   

How Tarlton answered the Watchmen coming from the Court.  
TArlton having played before the queen, till one a clock at midnight, coming homeward, one of them espied him, calling him, sirra, what art thou? a woman, says Tarlton: nay that is lye, saith the Watchmen, women haue no such beards: Tarlton replied, if I should haue said a man, that you know to be true, and would haue bidden me tell you that you know not, therefore I said a Woman, and so I am all woman, having pleased the queen, being a Woman: Well sirra says another, I present the queen: then am I a woman indeed says Tarlton as well as you, for you haue a beard as well as I, and truly Mistris Annis, my busk is not done yet, when will yours? leave thy gybing fellow, saith the Watch; the Quéens will is that whosoever is taken without doors after ten a clock, shall be committed, and now it is past one: commit all such says Tarlton, for if it be past one a clock, it will not be ten this eight houres: with that one lifts up his lantern, and looks him in the face, and knew him: indeed M. Tarlton you haue more wit then all we, for it is true that ten was before one, but now one is before ten, it is true quoth Tarlton, Watchmen had wont to haue more wit, but for want of sleep they are turned fools: so Tarlton stolen from them, and they to seem wise went home to bed.   

Tarltons answer to a Courtier.  
TArlton being at the Court all night, in the morning he met a great Courtier coming from his Chamber, who espying Tarlton, said: Good morrow Master Didimus and Tridimus: Tarlton being somewhat abashed, not knowing the meaning thereof, said: Sir, I understand you not, expound I pray you: quoth the Courtier Didimus and Tridimus, is a fool and a knave: you ouer-load me replied Tarlton, for my back cannot bear both, therefore take you the one, and I will take the other: take you the knave, and I will carry the fool with me.   

Tarltons quipe for a young Courtier.  
THere was a young Gentleman in the Court, that had first lain with the Mother, and after with the Daughter, and having so done, asked Tarlton what it resembled: quoth he, as if you should first haue eaten the Hen, and after the Chicken.   

Tarltons answer to a Noblemans question.  
THere was a Nobleman that asked Tarlton what he thought of Souldiers in time of peace? mary quoth he, they are like Chimneyes in Summer.   

Tarltons Iest to an vnthriftie Courtier.  
THere was an vnthriftie Gallant belonging to the Court that had borrowed five pounds of Tarlton, but having lost it at Dice, he sent his man to Tarlton to borrow five pounds more, by the same token he owed him already five pounds: pray tell your Master, quoth Tarlton, that if he will sand me the token, I will sand him the money: for who deceives me once, God forgive him: If twice, God forgive him: but if thrice, God forgive him, but not me, because I could not beware.   

How Tarlton flouted two Gallants.  
TArlton being in a merry vain, as he walked in the great Hall in Gréenwitch, he met my old Lord Chamberlain, going between two fantastic gallants,& cried aloud unto him, my Lord, my Lord, you go in great danger: whereat amazed, he asked whereof: of drowning( quoth Tarlton) were it not for those two bladders under each of your arms.    

Tarltons sound city jests.  

Tarltons Iest of a read face.  
TO an Ordinary in the White Friers, where Gentlemen used, by reason of extraordinary diet, to this Tarlton often frequented, as well to continue acquaintance, as to please his appetite: it chanced so vpon a time( especially) being set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants, they inquired of him why melancholy had got the upperhand of his mirth, to which he said little, but with a squint eye, as custom had made him hare▪ eyed, he looked for a Iest to make them merry; at last he espied one that sate on his left side, which had a very read face, he being a very great Gentleman( which was all one to Tarlton) he presently in great hast called his host: who do I serve my host? quoth Tarlton, the queens majesty, replied the good man of the house: how happens it then quoth Tarlton, that to her majesties disgrace, you dare make me a companion with servingmen, clapping my Lord Shandoyes Cullisance vpon my sleeve, looking at the Gentleman with the read face, me thinks quoth he, it sits like the saracens head without Newgate: the Gentlemans Salamanders face burnt▪ like Aetna for anger, the rest laughed hearty: in the end all enraged, the Gentleman swore to fight with him at the next meeting.   

A sudden and dangerous fray, twixt a Gentleman and Tarlton, which he put off with a Iest.  
AS Tarlton& others passed along Fléestréet, he espied a spruce young gallant, black of complexion, with long hair hanging down over his ears, and his beard of the Italian cut, in white satin, very quaintly cut, and his body so stiff starched, that he could not bend himself any way for no gold: Tarlton, seeing such a wonder coming, trips before him, and meeting this gallant took the wall of him, knowing that one so proud, at least looked for the prerogative. The gallant scorning that a Player should take the wall, or so much indignifie him, turns himself, and presently drew his Rapier, Tarlton drew likewise: The Gentleman fell to it roundly, but Tarlton in his own defence, compassing and traversing his ground, gaped with a wide mouth, whereat the people laughed: the Gentleman pausing, inquired why he gaped so? O Sir says he, in hope to swallow you, for by my troth, you seem to me like a prune in a Mesle of white Broth: at this the people partend them, the Gentleman noting his mad humour, went his way well contented, for he knew not how to amend it.   

Tarltons Iest of a Pippin.  
AT the Bull in Bishopsgate street, where the queens players oftentimes played: Tarlton coming on the Stage, one from the gallery threw a Pippin at him, Tarlton took up the Pip,& looking on it made this sudden iest.  

Pip in or nose in, choose you whether,  
Put yours in, ere I put in the other:  
Pippin you haue put in, then for my grace,  
Would I might put your nose in another place.    

A Iest of an Apple hitting Tarlton on the face.  
TArlton having flouted the fellow for his Pippin which he threw, he thought to be meet with Tarlton at length, so in the Play Tarltons part was to travell, who kneeling down to ask his Father blessing: the fellow threw an Apple at him, which hit him on the cheek: Tarlton taking up the Apple made this Iest.  

Gentlemen, this fellow with his face of Mapple.  
In stead of a Pippin hath thrown me an Apple:  
But as for an Apple he hath cast a Crab,  
So in stead of an honest woman God hath sent him a Drab.   
The people laughed hearty, for he had a quean to his Wife.   

How Tarlton and one in the gallery fell out.  
IT chanced that in the midst of a Play, after long expectation for Tarlton,( being much desired of the people) at length he came forth: where at his entrance, one in the gallery pointed his finger at him, saying to a friend that had never seen him, that is he: Tarlton to make sport at the least occasion given him, and seeing the man point with one finger, he in love again held up two fingers: the captious fellow jealous of his wife( for he was married) and because a Player did it, took the matter more heinously, and asked him why he made horns at him: No quoth Tarlton, they be fingers:  

For there is no man which in love to me  
Lends me one finger, but he shall haue three.   
No, no, says the fellow, you gave me the horns: true says Tarlton, for my fingers are tipped with nailes which are like horns, and I must make a show of that which you are sure of: this matter grew so, that the more he meddled, the more it was for his disgrace: wherefore the standards by counseled him to depart, both he and his horns, lest his cause grew desperate: so the poor fellow plucking his Hat over his eyes, went his ways.   

How Fiddlers fidled away Tarltons apparel.  
IT chanced that one fancy and Nancie, a musician in London, used often with their Boyes to visit Tarlton, when he dwelled in Gracious-stréet, at the sign of the Saba, a tavern▪ he being one of their best friends or benefactors, by reason of old acquaintance: to requited which, they came one summers morning to play him the Hunts' up with such music as they had: Tarlton, to requited them would open his Chamber door, and for their pains would give them muscadine: which a Cony-catcher noting, and seeing Tarlton come forth in his shirt and night-gowne to drink with these musicians, the while this nimble fellow stepped in, and took Tarltons apparel which every day he wore, thinking that if he were espied to turn it to a iest, but it past for currant and he goes his ways: Not long after Tarlton returned to his Chamber, and looked for his clothes, but they were safe enough from him. The next day this was noised abroad, and one in the mockage threw him this theme, he playing then at the curtain.  

Tarlton I will tell thee a iest,  
Which after turned to earnest:  
One there was as I heard say,  
Who in his shirt heard music play,  
While all his clothes were stolen away.   
Tarlton smiling at this, answered on the sudden thus:  

That's certain, Sir, it is no lie,  
That same one in truth was I:  
When that the thief shall pine and lack,  
Then shall I haue clothes to my back:  
And I together with my fellowes,  
May see him ride to tyburn gallows.    

Of Tarlton and a beggar.  
THere was a poor beggar( but a conceited fellow) who seeing Tarlton at his door, asked something of him for gods cause. Tarlton putting his hand in his pocket, gave him two pence in stead of a penny, at which Tarlton made this rhyme:  

Of all other beggars most happy thou art,  
For to thee my hand is better then my heart.   
Quoth the beggar.  

True it is Master, as it chanceth now,  
The better for me, and the worse for you.    

How Tarlton deceived a Doctor of physic.  
TArlton to satisfy the humors of certain Gentlemen, his familiar acquaintance, went about for to try the skill of a simplo Doctor of physic, that dwelled not far from I slington, and thus it was: he took a faire urinal, and filled it half full of good wine, and bore it to this doctor, saying, it was a sick mans water: who viewed it and tossing it up and down, as though he had great knowledge: quoth he, the patient whose water it is, is full of gross humors, and hath need of purging, and to be let some ten ounces of blood. No you Dunce replied Tarlton, it is good piss, and with that drunk it off, and threw the urinal at his head.   

How Tarlton frighted a Country fellow.  
TArlton passing through London, by chance he heard a simplo Country fellow in an Ale-house, calling for a kingston pot of Ale, stepped into him and threatened to accuse him of treason, saying: Sirra, I haue seen and tasted of a penny pot of Ale, and haue found good of the price, but of a kingston coin I never heard, therefore it is some counterfeit, and I must know how thou camest by it: hereupon the country fellow was driven into such a maze, that out of doors he got, and took him to his heels, as though wildfire had followed him.   

How Tarlton was deceived by his wife in London.  
TArlton being merrily disposed, as his wife and he sate together, he said unto her, Kate answer me to one question without a lie, and take this crown of gold: which she took on condition, that if she lost, to restore it back again. Quoth Tarlton, am I a cuckolded or no Kate? Whereat she answered not a word, but stood silent: notwithstanding he urged her many ways: Tarlton seeing she would not speak, asked his gold again: why quoth she, haue I made any lie? no says Tarlton: why then goodman fool I haue won the wager: Tarlton mad with anger, made this rhyme:  

As women in speech can revile a man,  
So can they in silence beguile a man.    

One asked Tarlton what country man the divell was.  
IN Carter-lane dwelled a merry cobbler, who being in company with Tarlton, asked him what country man the divell was: quoth Tarlton, a Spaniard; for Spaniards like the divell, trouble the whole world.   

A Cheese-mongers question to Tarlton.  
IN the time of scarcity, a simplo Chéesemonger hearing Tarlton commended for his quick wit, came unto him, and asked him why he thought cheese and Butter to be so déere: Tarlton answered, because Wood and coals are so déere, for Butter and cheese a man may eat without a fire.   

Tarltons answer to a rich Londiner.  
TArlton meeting a rich Londiner, fell into talk about the Bishop of Peterborough, highly praising▪ his bounty to his seruants, his liberality to strangers, his great hospitality and charity to the poor. He doth well says the rich man, for what he hath is his but during his life. Why quoth Tarlton, for how many lives haue you your goods?   

How Tarlton gave away his dinner.  
AS Tarlton and his wife sate at dinner, his wife being displeased with him, and thinking to cross him, shee gave away half of his meat unto a poor Beggar, saying, take this for my other husbands sake. Whereupon Tarlton took all that was left, and likewise bad the poor fellow to pray for his other wifes soul.   

Tarltons answer to a Boy in rhyme.  
THere was a crackrope Boy, meeting Tarlton in London street, sung this rhyme unto Tarlton.  

Woe worth thee Tarlton,  
That ever thou wast born:  
Thy wife hath made thee cuckolded,  
And thou must wear the horn.   
Tarlton presently answered him in Extemporie.  

What and if I be( Boy)  
I am nere the worse:  
Shee keeps me like a Gentleman,  
With money in my purse.    

How Tarlton bid himself to dinner to my Lord Mayors.  
A Iest came in Tarltons head where to dine, and thought he, in all that a man does, let him aim at the fairest, for sure if. I bid myself any where this day, it shall be to my Lord Maiors: and vpon this, goes to the Counter and entred his action against my Lord Maior, who was presently  told of it, and sends for him. Tarlton waits dinner time, and then comes, who was admitted presently. Master Tarlton, says my Lord Maior, haue you entred an action against me in the Poultry Counter? My Lord, says Tarlton, haue you entred an action against me in Woodstréet Counter? Not I in troth, says my Lord. No says Tarlton, he was a villain that  told me so then: but if it be not so, forgive me this fault my Lord, and I will never offend in the next: but in the end he begins to swear, how he will bee revenged on him that mocked him, and flings out in a rage, But my Lord said, stay M. Tarlton, dine with me, and no doubt but after dinner you will be better minded. I will try that my Lord, says Tarlton, and if it alter mine anger, both mine enemy& I will thank you together for this courtesy.   

Tarltons Iest of a box on the ear.  
ONe that fell out with his friend, meets him in the street, and calling him into a corner, gave him a box on the ear, and feld him, getting him gone, and never  told wherefore he did so: which Tarlton beholding, raised up the fellow, and asked him the reason of their sudden falling out? can you tell Sir said the fellow, for by my troth as yet I cannot? Well said Tarlton, the more fool you, for had I such feeling of the cause, my wit would remember the injury, but many men are goslings, the more they feel the less they conceive.   

Tarltons Iest to two Taylors.  
TArlton meeting two Tailors( friends of his) in the evening, in mirth cries, who goes there? A man answered a tailor: How many is there? one: Yea said Tarlton, two said the other tailor: then you say true, said Tarlton: for two Taylors goes to a man. But before they partend, they foxed Tarlton, at the Castle in Paternoster Row, that Tarlton confessed them two Taylors to be honest men: so what they spent in the purse they got in the person: coming but one by Tarltons account, they returned two: but Tarlton coming one, returned less by his wit, for that was shrunk in the whetting.   

How Tarlton jested at his wife.  
TArlton and his wife keeping an ordinary in Paternoster Row, was bidden out to Supper, and because he was a man noted, she would not go with him in the street, but entreats him to keep one side and she another, which he consented to: but as he went he would cry out to her and say, turn that way wife, and anon on this side wife: so the people flocked the more to laugh at them, but his wife more then mad angry, goes back again, and almost forswore his company.   

How Tarlton committed a Rakers horse to Ward.  
WHen Tarlton dwelled in Gracious street, at a tavern at the sign of the Saba, he was chosen Scauenger: and often the Ward complained of his slackness in keeping the streets clean: so on a time when the Cart came, he asked the Raker, why he did his business so slackly. Sir said he, my fore-horse was in the fault, who being let blood and drenched yesterday, I durst not labour him: sir said Tarlton, your horse shall smart for it, and so leads him to the Counter, which the Raker laughed at, and without his horse did his work with the rest, thinking Tarltons homor was to iest, and would return him his horse again anon: but when that anon came, he was fain to pay all his fees of the prison, as directly as if he himself had been there: for if Tarlton had committed the master, the business had not gone forward, therefore the horse was in prison for the Master.   

How Tarlton made Armin his adopted son to succeed him.  
TArlton keeping a tavern in Gracious street, he let it to another, who was indebted to Armins Master, a Gold smith in lombard street: yet he himself had a Chamber in the same house. And this Armin being then a wag came often thither to demand his Masters money, which he sometimes had, and sometimes had not: in the end the man growing poor,  told the boy he had no money for his Master, and he must bear with him. The mans name being Charles, Armin made this verse, writing it with chalk on a waine-scot:  

O world how wilt thou lye, is this Charles the great? that I deny:  
Indeed Charles the great before,  
But now Charles the less, being poor.   
Tarlton coming into the room reading it, and partly acquainted with the boyes humour, coming often thither for his M. money, took a piece of chalk,& writ this rhyme by it.  

A wag thou art, none can prevent thee,  
And thy desert shall content thee:  
Let me divine, as I am, so in time thou'lt be the same.  
My adopted son therefore be,  
To enjoy my clowns suite after me.   
And see how it fell out: the Boy reading this, so loved Tarlton after, that regarding him with more respect, used to his plays, and fell in a league with his humour, and private practise brought him to present playing, and at this hour performs the same, where at the Globe on the Bancke-side men may see him.   

Tarltons greeting with banks his horse.  
THere was one banks( in the time of Tarlton) who served the earl of Essex,& had a horse of strange qualities: and being at the Crosse-keyes in Gracious street, getting money with him( as he was mightily resorted to:) Tarlton then( with his fellowes) playing at the Bell by, came into the Crosse-keyes amongst many people) to see fashions: which banks perceiving( to make the people laugh) says signor( to his Horse) go fetch me the veriest fool in the company, the jade comes immediately, and with his mouth draws Tarlton forth: Tarlton with merry words said nothing, but God a mercy Horse: in the end, Tarlton seeing the people laugh so, was angry inwardly, and said, Sir, had I power of your horse, as you haue, I would do more then that. Where ere it be said banks( to please him) I will charge him to do it: then says Tarlton, charge him to bring me the veriest whore-master in this company. He shall says banks: signor says he, bring M. Tarlton here the veriest Whoremaster in the company: the Horse leads his master to him: then God a mercy Horse indeed, says Tarlton: the people had much ado to keep peace, but banks& Tarlton had like to squarde, and the horse by to give aim: but ever after it was a by-word through London, God a mercy horse, and is to this day.   

An excellent Iest of Tarlton suddenly spoken.  
AT the Bull at Bishops-gate was a play of Henry the fift, wherein the judge was to take a box on the ear, and because he was absent that should take the blow: Tarlton himself( ever forward to please) took upon him to play the same judge, besides his own part of the clown: and Knell then playing Henry the fift, hit Tarlton a sound box indeed, which made the people laugh the more, because it was he: but anon the judge goes in,& immediately Tarlton( in his clowns clothes) comes out, and asks the Actors what news? O saith one, hadst thou been here, thou shouldst haue seen Prince Henry hit the judge a terribly▪ box on the ear: What man, said Tarlton, strike a judge? It is true y faith, said the other: no other like, said Tarlton, and it could not be but terrible to the judge, when the report so terrifies me, that me thinks the blow remaines still on my cheek, that it burns again. The people laughed at this mightily, and to this day I haue heard it commended for rare: but no marvel, for he had many of these. But I would see our clowns in these dayes do the like, no I warrant ye, and yet they think well of themselves too.   

Tarltons Iest with a Boy in the street.  
A Wag-halter Boy met Tarlton in the street, and said: Master Tarlton who lives longest? mary Boy, says Tarlton, he that dies latest: and why die men so fast, said the Boy? because they want breath, said Tarlton: no rather said the Boy, because their time is come: then thy time is come, said Tarlton, see who comes yonder: Who? said the Boy: mary said Tarlton, Bull the hangman: or one that would willingly be thy hangman: Nay, hang me then, if I employ him at this time, said the Boy. Well said Tarlton, then thou wilt be hanged by thy own confession, and so they partend.   

A Iest of Tarlton, proving Mustard to haue wit.  
TArlton keeping an ordinary in Pater-noster row, and sitting with Gentlemen to make them merry, would approve Mustard,( standing before them) to haue wit: how so says one? It is like a witty scold, meeting another scold, knowing that scold will scold, begins to scold first, so says he, the Mustard being licked up, and knowing that you will bite it, begins to bite you first: Ile try that says a guile by, and the Mustard so tickled him, that his eyes watered: how now says Tarlton, does my Iest savour? I, says the guile, and bite too: if you had had better wit, says Tarlton, you would haue bit first: so then conclude with me, that dumb vnféeling Mustard, hath more wit then a talking vnféeling fool as you are. Some were pleased and some were not, but all Tarltons care was taken( for his resolution was such ever) before he talked any Iest.   

How Tarlton took Tobacco at the first coming up of it.  
TArlton( as other Gentlemen used) at the first coming up of Tobacco, did take it more for fashions sake then otherwise, and being in a room, set between two men overcome with wine, and they never seeing the like, wondered at it, and seeing the vapour come out of Tarltons nose, cried out, fire, fire, and threw a cup of wine in Tarltons face: Make no more stir quoth Tarlton, the fire is quenched, if the Sheriffes come it will turn to a fine, as the custom is. And drinking that again, fie says the other, what a stink it makes, I am almost poisoned: If it offend, says Tarlton, lets every one take a little of the smell, and so the savour will quickly go: but Tobacco whiffes made them leave him to pay all.    

Tarltons pretty country jests.  

Tarltons wit between a bide and a woodcock.  
IN the city of gloucester, Master bide of the chapel met with Tarlton, who joyful to regréet other, went to visit his friends: amongst the rest, M. bide of the Quéens chapel visited Master Woodcock of the college, where meeting, many friendly speeches past, amongst which, M. woodcock challenged M. bide of kin: who mused that he was of his affinity and he never knew it: yes says M. woodcock, every woodcock is a bide, therefore it must needs be so. Lord, Sir, says Tarlton, you are wide, for though every woodcock be a bide, yet every bide is not a woodcock. So M. woodcock like a woodcock bit his lip, and mum budged was silent.   

Tarltons Iest of a Gridiron.  
WHile the Quéens players lay in Worcester city to get money, it was his custom oft to sing extempore of themes given him: amongst which they were appoynted to play the next day: now one fellow of the City amongst the rest, that seemed quaint of conceit, to led other youths with his fine wit, gave out that the next day he would give him a theme, to put him to a non plus: diuers of his friends acquainted with the same, expected some rare conceit: Well, the next day came, and my gallant gave him his invention in two lines, which was this this:  

Me thinks it is a thing unfit.  
To see a Gridiron turn the spit.   
The people laughed at this, thinking his wit knew no answer thereunto, which angered Tarlton exceedingly, and presently with a smile looking about, when they expected wonders, he put it off thus:  

Me thinks it is a thing unfit,  
To see an ass haue any wit.   
The people hooted for ioy, to see the Theame-giuer dashed, who like a dog with his tail between his legs, left the place: But such commendations Tarlton got, that he supped with the bailiff that night, where my Theamer durst not come, although he were sent for, so much he vexed at that unlooked▪ for answer.   

Tarltons answer in defence of his flat nose.  
I Remember I was once at a Play▪ in the Country, where as Tarltons use was, the Play being done, every one so pleased to throw up his theme: amongst all the rest, one was red to this same effect, word by word.  

Tarlton, I am one of thy friends, and none of thy foes,  
Then I prithee tell how thou cam'st by thy flat nose:  
Had I been present at that time on those banks,  
I would haue laid my short sword over his long shanks.   
Tarlton mad at this question, as it was his property sooner to take such a matter ill then well, very suddenly returned him this answer:  

Friend or foe, if thou wilt needs know, mark me well,  
With parting dogs& bears, then by the ears, this chance fel:  
But what of that? though my nose be flat, my credit to save,  
Yet very well, I can by the smell, scent an honest man from a knave.    

Tarltons Iest of a Bristowman.  
WHen the queens Players were restrained in Summer, they travailed down to S. james his Faire, at bristol, where they were worthily entertained both of Londoners, and those Citizens: it happened that a wealthy Citizen, called M. Sunbanke, one morning secretly married his Maid; but not so secret, but it was blown abroad: that morning, Tarlton and others, walking in the Faire to visit his familiar friends of London, and being in company of bristol men, they did see M. Sunbancke coming, who had this property with his neck, not to stir it any way, but to turn body& all: it chanced at the Faire end, he stood to piss against a wall: to whom Tarlton came, and clapping him on the shoulder, God give you ioy of your marriage, says he: M. Sunbanke being taken pissing against the wall, would haue looked back to thank him, and suddenly turns about body and all, in the view of many, and shewed all: which so abashed him, that ashamed he took into a tavern, protesting that he had rather haue spent ten pound: sure said the Vintner, the fault is in your neck, who will not turn without the bodies assistance, and not in M. Tarlton: Call you him M. Tarlton, says M. Sunbancke? I Sir, says the Vintner, he is the Quéens jester: he may be whose jester he will be, but this Iest agrees not with me at this time.   

A Iest broken of Tarlton by a Country Gentleman.  
IN the Country where the Quéens Players were accepted into a Gentlemans house: the wagon unloading of the apparel, the wagoner comes to Tarlton,& doth desire him to speak to the Steward for his horses: I will says he, and coming to the Steward, Sir, says Tarlton, where shall our Horses spend the time? The Gentleman looking at Tarlton at that question, suddenly answered, if it please you, or them, let them walk a turn or two: or there is a faire Garden, let them play a game or two at bowls in the Alley, and departs thence about his other business. Tarlton commending the sudden wit of the steward, said little: but my Steward not quiet, tells to the Gentlewomen above, how he had driven Tarlton to a nonplus with a iest: whereat they all did laugh hearty: which a servingman loving Tarlton well, came and  told him as much. Tarlton to add fuel to the fire, and loathe to rest thus put off with a iest, goes and gets two of the horses into the Garden, and turns them into the Bowling Alley, who with their heels made havoc, being the Gentlemans only pastime: The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley, call the Knight, who cries out to Tarlton, Fellow, what meanest thou? nothing Sir, says he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of provender, a foolish match that I made: now they being in play at bowls, run, run: your steward may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the steward had no thankes for his labour, to set the horses to such an exercise: and they could not blame Tarlton, who did but as he was bidden: but by this Iest Oats and Hay, stable-roome, and all, was plenty.   

How Tarlton made one of his company utterly forswear drunkenness.  
AT Salisbury Tarlton& his fellowes were to play before the Maior& his brethren: but one of his company, a young man was so drunk that he could not: whereat Tarlton as mad angry, as he was mad drunk, claps me on his legs a huge pair of bolts: the fellow dead asléep felt nothing: when all was done, they conveyed him to the jail on a mans back, and entreated the jailer to do God good service, and let him lye there till he waked. While they were about their sport the fellow waked, and finding himself in durance, and the jail hung round with bolts and shakels, he began to bless himself, and thought sure in his drunkenness he had done some mischief: with that he called to know, but none came to him, then he thought verily his fault was capital, and that he was close prisoner: by and by comes the keeper, and moaned him, that one so young should come to so shameful a death as hanging: anon, another comes, and another with the like, which further put him in a puzzle: but at last comes Tarlton and others, entreating the keeper, yet if it might be, that they might see their fellow ere they went, but he very hardly was entreated, but at length the poor drunken signor called out for them: in they come. Oh Tom, says Tarlton, hard was thy hap in drunkenness to murder this honest man, and our hard hap too, to haue it reported any of our company is hanged for it. O God, O God says the fellow, is my fault so great? then commend me to all my friends. Well, short tale to make, the fellow forswore drunkenness if he could escape, and by as cunning a wile to his thinking, they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who was not a little glad he was gone: but see how this Iest wrought, by little and little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in timealtered his desire of drunkenness.   

How Tarlton saved his head from cutting off.  
TArlton vpon a time being in the country,& lodging in an homely inn, during which time there was a gentleman dwelling in the same town, somewhat frantic and distraught of his wits: which mad man on a sudden rushed into Tarltons bed-chamber with his sword drawn, and finding him there in bed, would haue slain him: saying, villain, were it not valiantly done to strike off thy knaves head at one blow? Tarlton answered, tut sir, thats nothing with your worship to do, you can as easily strike off two heads at one blow as one: wherefore, if you please▪ Ile go down and call up another, and so you may strike off both our heads at once: the mad-man believed him, and so let him slip away.   

How Tarlton escaped imprisonment.  
TArlton having been dominéering very late one Night, with two of his friends, and coming homeward along Cheapside, the watch being then set: Master Constable asked, who goes there? three merry men, quoth Tarlton: that is not sufficient, what are you, quoth M. Constable? why says Tarlton, one of us is an eye-maker, and the other a light maker: what sayest thou knave, dost mock me? the one is an eye-maker, the other a light maker, which two properties belong unto God onely: commit these blasphemers quoth the Constable: Nay, I pray you good M. Constable be good in your Office, I will approve what I haue said to be true. If thou canst, says the Constable, you shall pass, otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why quoth Tarlton, this fellow is an eye-maker, because a Spectacle maker, and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes your darkest night as light as your lantern. The Constable seeing them so pleasant, was we'l contented, the rest of the Watchmen laughed, and Tarlton with his two companions went home quietly.   

How Tarlton deceived a country wench.  
THe queens players traveling into the West country to play, and lodging in a little village, some ten miles from bristol, in which village dwelled a pretty nut-browne Lasse▪ to whom Tarlton made proffer of marriage, protesting that he came from London, purposely to mary her: the simplo maid being proud, to be beloved by such a one, whom she knew to be the queens man, without more entreaty yielded,& being both at the Church together, and M. person ready to perform his duty, and coming to the words of I Richard take thee Joan: nay, stay good Master person, I will go and call my fellowes, and come to you again: so going out of the Church in hast, returned at leisure; for having his horse ready saddled, he road toward bristol, and by the way  told his fellowes▪ of his success with his wench.   

How Tarlton went to kill crows.  
IT chanced vpon a time, as Tarlton went forth with a birding piece into the fields to kill crows, he espied a Daw sitting in a tree, at which he meant to shoot; but at the same instant, there came one by, to whom he spake in this manner: Sir, quoth he, yonder I see a Daw, which I will shoot at if shée sit: if shée sit, said the other, then she is a Daw indeed: but quoth Tarlton, if she sit not, what is she then? mary quoth the other, a Daw also: at which words shée immediately flew away: whereupon Tarlton spake merrily in a rhyme, as followeth:  

Whether a Daw sit, or whether a Daw fly,  
Whether a Daw stand, or whether a Daw lye,  
Whether a daw creeke, or whether a Daw cry,  
In what case soever a Daw persever.  
A Daw is a Daw, and a Daw shall be ever.    

How a poor Beggerman overreached Tarlton by his wit.  
AS Tarlton vpon a day sate at his own door, to whom came a poor old man,& begged a penny for the Lords sake, whereupon Tarlton having no single money about him, asked the beggar what money he had, no more money master but one single penny. Tarlton being merrily disposed, called for this penny, and having received it, gave it to his boy to fetch a pot of Ale, whereat▪ the beggar grew blank, and began to gather up his wits how to get it again: the pot of Ale for the beggars penny being brought, he proffered to drink to the beggar: nay stay while Master, quoth the beggar, the use is where I was born, that he that pays for the drink, must drink first: thou saist well quoth Tarlton, go to, drink to me then: Whereupon the beggar took the Pot, saying, here Master I drink to you,( and therewithal drank off every drop) now master, if you will pledge me, sand for it as I haue done: Tarlton seeing himself so ouer-reacht, greatly commended the beggars wit, and withall in recompense thereof, gave him a Teastor: with that the beggar said, that he would most truly pray to God for him: no answered Tarlton, I pray thee pray for thyself, for I take no usury for alms▪ deeds.   

Of Tarltons pleasant answer to a Gallant, by the high-way side.  
IT was Tarltons occasion another time to ride into suffolk, being furnished with a very lean large horse: and by the way a lusty gallant met him, and in mockage, asked him, what a yard of his horse was worth? mary sit, quoth Tarlton, I pray you alight and lift up my horses tail, and they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard.   

How Tarlton would haue drowned his wife.  
VPon a time, Tarlton and his wife( as passengers) came sailing from Southampton towards London, a mighty storm arose, and endangered the Ship, whereupon the captain thereof, charged every man to throw into the sea the heaviest thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship: Tarlton, that had his wife there, offered to throw her ouer-board, but the company rescued her, and being asked wherefore he meant so to do? he answered shée was the heaviest thing I haue, and I can best spare her.   

How Tarlton made his Will and Testament.  
OF late there was a Gentleman living in England, that wheresoever he dined, would of every dish convey a modicum thereof into his Gownesléeue: which Gentleman being vpon a time at dinner at a Gentlemans house in the Country, there he used his aforesaid quality, in the company of M. Tarlton, who perceiving it, said thus unto the company: My masters, I am now determined before you all, to make my last Will and Testament: and first, I bequeath my soul to God my creator, and my body to be butted in the sleeve of yonder Gentlemans gown: and with that stepping to him, he turned up the gown sleeve, whereout here dropped a bide, and there a bide, with choice of much other good cheer, he still shaking it, saying, I meant this sleeve Gentleman, this sleeve I meant.   

How Tarlton called a Gentleman knave by craft.  
WIthin a while after, as the same Gentleman and Tarlton passed through a field together, a Crow in a tree cried, kaw, kaw: see yonder Tarlton, quoth the Gentleman, yonder Crow calleth thee knave: no sir( he answered) he beckens to your worship as the better man.   

Tarltons Iest of a Country▪ wench.  
TArlton going towards Hogsdon, met a Country maid coming to market, her mere stumbling down she fell over and over, showing all that ever God sent her, and then rising up again, she turned her round about unto Master Tarlton, and said, Gods body sir, did you ever see the like before? No in good soothe, quoth Tarlton, never but once in London.   

How Tarlton deceived an Inne-holder at Sandwich.  
VPon a time when the players were put to silence, Tarlton and his boy frolickt so long in the Country, that all their money was gone, and being a great way from London, they knew not what to do; but as want is the whetstone of wit, Tarlton gathereth his conceit together, and practised a trick to bear him up to London without money,& thus it was: unto an inn in Sandwich they went, and there lay for two daies at great charge, although he had no money to pay for the same: the third morning he bad his man go down and malcontent himself before his host and his Hoastesse,& mumbling say to himself, Lord▪ Lord, what a scalde master do I serve, this it is to serve such Seminary Priests and jesuits, now even as I am an honest boy, Ile leave him in the lurch, and shift for myself: here's a do about penance and mortification, as though( forsooth) Christ hath not died enough for all: The boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling, that it strooke a iealousy in the Inne-holders heart, that out of doubt his master was a Seminary Priest; whereupon he presently sent for the Constable, and  told him all the foresaid matter, and so went up both together to attach Tarlton in his chamber, who purposely had shut himself close in, and betaken him to his knees, and to his crosses, to make the matter seem more suspicious, which they espying through the Key-hole, made no more ado, but in they rushed, and arrested him for a Seminary Priest, discharged his score, bore his, and his boyes charges up to London, and there in hope to haue rich rewards, presented him to M. Fleetwood, the old Recorder of London: but now mark the Iest; when the Recorder saw Tarlton, and knew him passing well, entertained him very courteously, and all to be fold the Inne-holder and his mate, and sent them away with pleas in their ears: but when Tarlton saw himself discharged out of their hands,