An Account of the Proceedings of the New Parliament OF WOMEN Sitting at Gossips-hall, near Knock-Vergies Whereunto is annexed the languishing Maidens Petition against the Widows, who have been blessed with the enjoyment of three or four several Husbands. Here is also a severe course against those widowers that shall attempt to mary, knowing their own inability, as not being able to satisfy the longing expectations of their espoused Bride. LIKEWISE A severe punishment to be inflicted upon bachelors that promise more than they can do, with many other excellent laws made by this Parliament of Women: Worthy of your taking notice; And cheap enough considering the goodness. These Females they considered well The want of wholesome flesh: And cause no maidens should repined These Laws they made afresh: Which I do hope will give content To all that red the same; Who speaks against this Parliament I think are much to blame. This thing for mirth I did intend, Then do not blame my pen, Who seems to be the womens friend But wish no hurt to men. Printed for J. Coniers at the black Raven in Duck Lane. An Account, or true List of the names of the Members of both Houses, Viz. Sarah Snapshort. Rebeceah Ragmanners. luke Lack wit. Clinor Empty-braine. Margaret Make-bate. Dorithy Drinkwell. Frances Fiddle-faddle. Ione jezebel. Susan Shatterbrain. Priseilla Pickthanks. R●s● Ralewell. All of the Upper-house. Tibitha Trumpw●l. Lyddy Long-tongue. Alice Allcock jane Iumbler. Ioyce Ioynwell. Mary Make-horn. Katherine ●eep-noise. and Ape-like. Penelope Plague-man. Abigail All-whore. Christian Closemouth. rachel Rouzeall. Of the Lower-House. An Account of the Proceedings of the New Parliament of WOMEN, &c. THe Session of the Parliament of Women being ordered to meet on the 32 day of January about ten days before Michaelmas in the year 7902. They accordingly assembled, and being met in a full house, there was a petition exhibited by the distressed Maids of the Nation, greatly complaining of their unspeakable want, and also exclaiming against several Widows, who, against reason, had been over-occupyed by several Husbands, while, on the contrary, these poor Maidens were ready to starve for a bit of Man's-Flesh: The Contents of the petition take as followeth: May it please your Ladyships, WEE, your most humble and distressed petitioners, whose names are hereunder subscribed, having for many years together laboured under the burden of our tormenting maidenheads, have, with a great deal of impatience, expected some manner of redress, hoping that in some reasonable time our wants might be supplied by some charitable thumping fellows, whose youthful activity, and wanton inclinations, might have put a period to our miseries, and have made us happy by the enjoyment of that, which alone can make our Lives comfortable; But finding to our unexpressible discontent, that our hopes are utterly frustrated by the increase of our years, which begin to make us contemptible in the sight of those from whom we once expected to receive satisfaction. Wee your poor distressed petitioners, thought it not only expedient, but absolutely necessary, to address ourselves to your Lady-ships, whose large experience, and long-accustomed practise in that which we so much stand in need of, cannot but make you sensible that our miseries are not only admirable, but altogether insupportable: And the more especially when we reflect upon their happinesses, whose kind fate hath made them happy, by the Quotidian and nocturnal Enjoyments; the wants of which, do render us of all creatures the most unfortunate. Oh! be pleased to call to mind, that when you were in your Youth and prime before you tasted of that bliss, which hath long since crwoned you with joy, how despiseable were your lives to your own selves, how unwelcome were the days to your eyes, when the nights afforded not so much as a taste of those pleasures that we poor Creatures could never yet be acquainted with. Thus hoping that you will diligently peruse the sad contents of our mournful petition, which if you rightly con●●der, and speedily find out some redress for, together with taking a real inspection into the vast difference between us un-done maidens, and over-done Widows, we shall not in any measure doubt, but to receive full satisfaction from your▪ Ladyship's cares and prudence, that may in some measure add some manner of comforts to our despairing Spirits, and free us from the fear of our( otherwise) approaching death. Wee humbly beseech your favours to pass a charitable censure upon this our enforced boldness, and let our present and lamentable state be freely, and thoroughly discussed and debated in your great Synod of unbiased ingenuity. And your petitioners shall ever pray &c. lettuce Lackman, Margery Mournfor't, Phillis Prick-sick, Diana Doe-well, &c. The petition being red, the matter was debated, lettuce Lackman pleaded in the behalf of the rest; that things were illegally carried, and they had not equity done them: For, said she, when I began to grow toward Thirteen years old, I then was possessed with a strange kind of Malady, which filled me with such a longing de●ire, that my thoughts I could have even begged a kiss of every man I saw pass the street; Nay, I was also perplexed in my ●ery dreams, that when I awaked I was almost stark mad; for I found myself tumbled into the Abyss of misery, when in my dreams I supposed myself to be at the very height of bliss. Then, said Rose Ralewell, How long did you languish in this Labyrinth of trouble, without finding any ease or help? Truly, quoth she, even to this day, but it was sore against my will, for such was my ill fortune, that I was never so much as once moved to part with my maidenhead; for I'll assure you if I had, I would have accepted of the motion willingly, as many I believe have done before me; nay, I believe there is but a few that would deny it. Hold, hold, have a care what you say, you will reflect upon the House by and by, such comparisons are not seemly in this place, or at this time; but I must needs confess, that I could hardly have undergone so great trouble and ve●ation as you have done; for I was but a matter of sixteen years old e're I was acquainted with bridal enjoyments, and I am confident, had I not been married as I was, I could not have lived one year more without a Tickler. Why then, I hope your Goodness will take into consideration our conditions; we are all of the same stamp and mould, we are as uncapable of living without the enjoyment of our delights, as ever you could be; our minutes seem to be houres, while we thus languish in perplexity: we are not able to eat, drink, or rest, wanting the supplys which our Natures look for; and to be short, we neither can nor will live long in this disquietude. Why, what would you have us do? said luke Lackwitt, Why make an Act that we should all have Husbands, and that speedily too, for we have lost too much time idly, and have not been exercised as married women are often, the more is our grief to think on't; but if you cannot with conveniency effect what is proposed, do as they do in Venice, set up, and tolerate some public places, where Love sick maids may find ease, by the association of merry boys, who only can administer comfort to them in their distress. It hath partly been acknowledged by one Member of this House, that we have had hard fortune, and, indeed, so it is: For who can endure to see some old withered faces handed along by brisk young gallants? who tender them for nothing but their money, having not so much as one grain of beauty left; look but upon them, view them well when they are in their best Array, all powdered, and patched, and you will find them, if your aspect be curious, to resemble nothing more than death's Head enameled. And what a plague is this to young Creatures to see and behold: Is any flesh alive able to endure it? Can this misery be undergone with patience? 'tis a torment to consider what pleasures other people enjoy in their beds, while we poor Creatures lie melting away in Tears, or wasting with s●ghs, and have nothing at all to do, but that which indeed we cannot do, I mean sleep, which now grows almost a stranger to us. Well, said my Lady Lackwitt, we will see what may be done in this business: Nay, quoth lettuce Lackman, it is not what may be done, but what must be done; And pray mind that we that have lost the prime of our years without tasting the bliss, may be considered in some extraordinary manner, either by being allowed Two Husbands, or, at least, a Husband and a Friend, that we may regain our lost time; for I am sure we can deal well enough with them: It is not with us as it is with men, that when they come to some considerable age, they grow feeble, and cannot please; But we of our Sex can take it both briskly and freely when we are well stricken in years, especially when we have lived so long without it. Come come( saith Margaret Makebate) you are somewhat too greedy, let's hear what another saith, you must not be only discoursed. Then up starts Alice Alcock, who justified, That what was before discoursed was nothing but reason, and she hoped it was to pass through the Judicious Assembly: And as for my part my Name is a trouble to me, for there is a vast difference between Al-cock and no Cock; and I am sure there never was one inch fell to my share yet, though I would give one of my eyes for a good one. Well( says Margaret Make-bait) 'tis pitty that thou shouldst not have one; that loves so dearly as to part with one of your eyes for one. Oh! quoth Alice, that's nothing in comparison: How many have gone distracted for want of a Rowzer; and in their distraction hanged themselves: Come let me tell you, 'tis a sad thing to want it, and indeed there is no living without it, yea; I believe there hath never been such a complaint before as will be now made if you inquire strictly into the matter; for, if you examine us all, you will find us all in one tale; or if any do differ, 'twill be but more to set forth our misery: Therefore we desire your commiseration, and hope to receive final satisfaction from you by a speedy result. Whereupon they were commanded to acquit the House, till such time as they were again called. Then Prudens Prateall opened the matter very exquifitively, in the behalf of the petitioners, alleging that their condition was very deplarable; For, said she, how great a difficulty is it to live without a man, when we in our own consciences know that we cannot be contented with one, we that are married, but we must now and then violate the bonds of Matrimony by wronging the bridal bed: And if it be so, that we that have been long accustomend to the pleasures of love, cannot possibly be limited within the bounds of chastity, how is it possible that they who never enjoyed that happiness, can rest satisfied: Let us ingeniously consider with ourselves; and pass some Act of Oblivion for what transgressions have already been; and also an additional Act for more liberty, for 'tis my opinion that some are born under some ill aspect, that they may never be married; and is it reason they should never taste in their whole life time the sweets that others wallow in? No, no, as we are all of one Sex, let us give liberty to those who are not married, to use what opportunities they can meet with to their best advantage, for otherwise, we shall create much trouble to ourselves; and without question they will steal what our too modest Laws shall forbid. Therefore let us do as we would be done by, for we should not like to have an Embargo laid upon our commodities. Then spoken Rose Ralewell, you have spoken reason, for I have a Husband, such a one as it is, that seldom doth any more to me than make a Fool of that which will not be so served, and to tell you the truth, I am fain to borrow of my Neighbours, what I cannot be supplied withal at home; which, if my husband were like other men, I should not need to do. Then said Ioyce Ioynwell, Hush, hush, talk no more of that, for I have a Husband young and brisk enough, but yet mythinks sometimes variety is so sweet, that I now and then must taste of changeable diet, and then if it be so with us that have of our own, what must them poor Creatures do that have not? Oh! methinks I can remember, when it was my sad case, how I lingered, how I longed, and in what a dismal case I reckoned myself to be in▪ Come, 'tis good to be charitable, let us commiserate these poor Creatures, we are perfectly sensible of their necessities. These manner of debates held for some considerable time, but most of them being sensible of the truth of what was spoken, did Vote for Liberty for maidens that could get no Husbands, and that they might accept of what kindnesses were offered to them. But as for Widows that had lived above Twenty years in Matrimony, and had surpassed the date of Fifty, they should not be allowed above one Husband, if he be young; or if he be older than her self, two friends, because one may be sometimes ill, and not in a condition to pleasure her, or sometimes one may be out of Town, and cannot visit; and for these reasons we are willing to allow of a provision in necessity, for I suppose some of us Members are troubled with old fumbling fellows, that have almost forgot how to do the trick, they do so seldom use it. And in what a case should we be in then, if we had not a friend in a corner: Come sirs Members as we are, are Representatives of the whole sex, and we ought in point of reason, and conscience, so to establish our Laws, as that they may be for the satisfaction of all. Just as they had determined this matter, in comes Christian Closemouth to make complaint, who exhibited her Bill; the contents whereof take as followeth: Imp imis, That she had been married to her Husband Ten weeks, and she found that he had not got her with Child, neither did she believe he could, for he was so short breathed, that he was ready to give over before she came to the height of the sport, and so dry withal, that one might as easily get a tear from a hot Iron, as one drop of liquidity from his dried body. But the matter seeming somewhat introcate, and they having sate till their Tongues were weary, the Court adjourned till the next week following, where we will leave them, and pitty poor Christian Closemouth, waiting with a great deal of impatience for the next sitting; of which I shall give you timely notice. The day being come, both Houses assembled, and did further proceed about the business afore-mentioned: so after a strong debate, it was agreed upon by a general consent, that what was petitioned for was nothing but reason in any Womans conscience. Which Laws you shall here have inserted as they were agreed upon in course. Imprimis. That for the prevention of stealing opportunities of kindness, that Maids, after the term of Seventeen years of age, shall, and may freely accept of what tender-hearted young men do freely offer. Item. That there shall be no Embargo upon womens commodities. Item. That those that have old feeble Husbands, may entertain a lusty young gallant. Item. That bachelors shall be very kind to maids, and women, under the forfeiture of being gelded. Item. That Widows above Forty shall be contented with one Husband, and one Friend. Item. That Widowers shall not presume to mary, except they they know themselves capable of doing family duty, under the penalty of being cornuted. Item. That men shall not be jealous, though they see their wives in bed with other men. Item. That if a young man of 21 shall be in bed with a girl● of 19 and shall not do the trick, shall forfeit his Codlins. Thus as this Parliament broken up That these good laws had made, The women they were well content These laws were good they said. FINIS.