A BRIEF CHARACTER OF Ireland, With some Observations of the CUSTOMS, &c. of the meaner sort of the Natural Inhabitants of that KINGDOM.  — Non seria Semper. 

licenced, Nov. 16. 1691.   
LONDON, Printed for W. C. and are to be Sold by R. tailor, 1692.   

Courteous Reader,  
THis slight Schitz of a Neighbouring Nation here presented to View, may to Strangers appear like a Piece of mere Grotescoe, an extravagant mixture of Reality and Fiction, or Truth and Fable: But such as have resided amongst, and conversed with them, do allow it bears so near resemblance with the Original, that they have acknowledged it to be exact in all its Features and Symmetry. I might, indeed, have bestowed my Pains on a much Nobler Subject, but the Figures and Postures of Owls, or Apes may sometimes be as diverting to the Eye, if Naturally represented, as the more stately Objects. That I have not done this out of any private Pique must be granted, since 'tis known this Task was commanded: And if I can by any be convinced that I have in the least particular injured them, I shall be ready at any time to confess my Error, and give them a Satisfaction as public, as the Mistake and Sin hereby committed. Adieu.   

A Brief CHARACTER OF IRELAND. OR, Some Observations on that Country, and its meaner Inhabitants, the Teagues.  
IRELAND( at present the Land of Ire, or Heavens Wrath) hath little in it, now, of God's Blessing, and never had very much of the warm Sun. It seems in the opinion of some, to be part of the refuse of the Globe of the Earth at the Creation, and that when the rest of Europe was completed and polished, some of the scrapings and rubbish was cast out at this backdoor, which being half dried by the squinting beams of Sol, was in some measure dough-baked, into an iceland of what worth and quality shall be hereafter described.  
If Europe be compared to a piece of fine Cloath, this must needs be some of the List, or fag end: If to a stately Palace, this is the Postern: If to a human Figure, wherever we place the Head, this will surely hold more proportion and similitude with the Tail, as will appear upon farther Consideration.  
Some formerly have thought fit to call it the 
See the Land Voyage at the End.  Watering-Pot of the Planets, and the French have name it, Le pot de chamber du Diable, i.e. the Devil's Piss-pot, seldom dry, but often running over, the reins falling down so frequently, as if the Heavens were a wounded Eye perpetually weeping over it, or the Clouds dropping sponges, 
It pours so fast and oft, 'tis too well known,  
The Clouds are there not troubled with the ston.   
And then for the often Gusts of Wind, it may well be reck'ned as Nature's Bellows, but for this, they may perhaps have reason to thank the Bantamites, who sowing so much Pepper yearly in the East-Indies in the Bowels of our Grandmother Earth, it must needs cause her to break Wind backward in these Western Parts, where she eases her self of the colic: what advantage they reap by it I know not, but the old Proverb says, It's an ill Wind blows no Good.  
Says one, It is a Frippery for Bankrupts or the Grand Hospital for such as are troubled with a Consumption in their Estate and Credit. But whatever it were formerly, there is small hopes now that Strangers should be there cured of such desperate Diseases, since the whole Country may well pass for a Map of general Misery and Poverty, the Natives and Inhabitants being most of them the lively Portraitures of the Prodigal Lad in his most Swinish Condition; so that it were no less difficult now to get into an Estate there( unless by the Conquering Sword) than to get out of one of their deepest Bogs, when one is sinking, and can neither help ones self out; nor persuade Teague to assist, unless St. Patrick does prompt him in a most special manner.  
Yet is the Soil in many Parts fat, and liking( as dunghills are) and were it well husbanded, would yield a plentiful increase; but what thorough Laziness, and want of Industry,( I speak of the mere Irish, to whom the whole Character relates) and their innate Pride, and Self-conceitedness, which makes them disdain to be taught by Foreigners, they do so little Improve their Lands, that unless it be themselves, nothing to an Ingenious Eye can be a sadder Spectacle.  
enclosures are very rare amongst them, and those no better fenced than an Old Midwife's toothless Gums, or those Parts of Northamptonshire, where the Hedges were grubbed up by the rebellious Rout of the Commoners.  
Much of their Land is reserved for Grazing and Pasturage; and there, indeed, the Grass being very sweet, and holding a constant verdure, it is in many places so indented with Purling Brooks and Streams, that their Meadows look like a new Green Carpet bordered or fringed with the purest Silver: yet Hay is a Rarity amongst them, and would cost them more pains than they can well afford, towards the making of it, therefore they seldom or never trouble their heads or hands about it. And then for their arable Ground, it lies most commonly as much neglected and unmanured as the sandy deserts of Arabia, or a ranting Young Gallant's Old Bed-rid Spouse. And, not to particularise every Circumstance, their National Custom of Ploughing, by tying their wooden Harness to the Horses-Tail, and that other senseless Improvidence of burning their Oats to save the Labour of Thrashing, are two such very remarkable Proofs of their Husbandry, that it would be needless to describe it further: So that whatever the Country be, they are a wild Herd of brute Animals inhabiting, but not improving, it.  
This sloth and carelessness is judged to be one reason why all sorts of Grain and Fruits are of a less and more degenerate growth, than in other well Cultivated and Improved Countries( which is also noted in most of their Vegetables and Animals, Women and Greyhounds only excepted) the Corn seldom shoots up to that aspiring height upon its Spindle, as may be seen elsewhere, nor does it attain so full and weighty an Ear as to make it bend down to kiss its Mothers bosom; but grows so dwarfish, thin, and full of Weeds, that it resembles the Field in the Parable, which the Evil One sowed with Tares.  
To which may be coupled the Houswifery of the Women, and it were pity to part their good qualities, whose nastiness cannot better be described, than by directly opposing them against the Dutch, as the other extreme; these being no less excessive in their exquisite Sluttery, than the other in their overnice cleanliness: and though both have a too fond opinion of their ways, yet, if I mistake not, these Kernes have a much better conceit of their Sordidness, than the other of their over-nice Curiosity, which though perhaps is a fault in both, may be more excusable in the Dutch( as one says in the like case) the Hollander being indeed Proud of a Mole-hill; but the Teague of a Dunghill, the place whereon most commonly the rank Weeds of Pride and Arrogance are aptest to grow. And how ill these two agree, Pride and Poverty, the Proverb will tell them. In this me-thinks they may be fitly compared to their own high Mountains, which have their Heads raised above the Clouds, and seem to wear the Stars for a Coronet; but yet are, indeed, no better dighted, than with a dirty Bog on the top, more deep and dangerous than the lowest Road in the Valleys.  
Says one, I never yet found Pride in a Noble Nature, nor Humility in an unworthy Mind: it may seem strange to an inconsiderate Eye, that such a poor Violet virtue should ever dwell with Honour, and such an Aspiring fume as Pride should generally sojourned with baseness: Whether it be not so amongst the meaner Irish, I leave knowing Persons to judge. And sure I am, this Pride is their greatest Enemy; it makes them unsociable with the English, their mistaken and ambitious thoughts setting their worth above themselves, and all others beneath them; makes them despise their Amity and Ingenuity, Disdain being writ upon their Brow, where one may red, I am too good for thee: This makes them idle in their Occupations, careless to improve their Knowledge, and if some of them are Born to good Parts by Nature, they rarely add any thing by Industry: This makes them hug their old ethnic Customs, not because they are good, but because their Ancestors formerly used them, and themselves have since practised them: In fine, this makes them choose rather to want than to work, rather to steal than to want, and so rather run the hazard of the greatest Severity of the Law for such Offences, than to earn their Bread by honest Labour, and gain a livelihood with the sweat of their Brows.  
Their Dwellings or Cabans, I should more exactly describe, if I durst have adventured oftener into them; or could have stayed long enough to have surveyed them at my being there; which I did once assay, but found it as hazardous almost, as Orpheus his descent into Hell, where there might be indeed a greater Fire, but not more smoke, which thick Cloud in the midst of the Room did so blind me, and conceal the House, that I could scarce remember any thing, but my sore Eyes, when I came out again: Should they be as much troubled with that other noisome Disease of Scolding Wives, as they are with smoky Houses, they might well upon each Door writ, Lord have Mercy upon us, for certainly there cannot be a greater Plague.  
As for the outward Structure, an English Cow-house hath more Architecture far; nay, my Lord Mayor's Dog-kennel is a Palace compared to them: and for sweetness, I have heard many affirm, that the foulest Corner about the Bear-garden is Musk and Amber to their sweetest Rooms.  
The Walls are made of mere Mud, mixed with a little wet Straw, the Covering is Thatch; the Floor Earth; which, by reason of the constant reins, is generally so damp, that they may be said to live over a Bog; and the Thatch so ill thrashed, that( by the sprouting of the left Corn, which often springs up green) it may be added, they live under a Meadow; or( as a Person of Honour said of the like place, to which he most aptly compared the Long, long, long Parliament) they have green Ears over their Heads, and a false Ground under their Feet.  
The Beds are upon such a firm Foundation, that nothing but an Earthquake can move them; Instead of Feathers or Flocks, they use Rushes or Straw, which serves them without changing, till cast Horse-litter is a fragrant Nosegay to it, and Jacob's sweet Lodging on the fresh Grass, compared to it, is like the Pleasure of the Marriage-Bed.  
Sheets they never provide, and to tell the naked Truth, unless they can purchase a poor Cadow, which is not often, they lig together like Adam and Eve before the Fall, not a Rag to cover them, but themselves: which may be one reason why they so multiply; for being necessitated to keep together for warmth, they engender as thick as Fly-blows, each little Hutt being as full of Children, as a Conney-Burrough in a well stocked Warren is of Rabbits.  
They seldom have any Partitions or several Rooms, but sleep in common with their Swine and poultry: and for second or third Story you may look long enough e're you find any. Windows would discover their Poverty and Sluttery too much, and a Chimney is reckoned as superfluous as a Steeple at a new fangled Conventicle: The Door which perhaps is as irregular and multiform as a new made breach in a Wall, serving both to let in the Light, and let out the smoke; so that you may guess their abodes are pleasant and airy as a Dungeon, and unless they be compared to one another, each of them may very properly be called None-such.  
Their Women generally are very little beholding to Nature for their Beauty, and less to Art: one may safely Swear they use no Painting, or such like auxiliary aids of Fucusses, being so averse to that kind of Curiosity,( tho' they have as much need thereof as any I ever yet beholded) that one would think they never had their faces wash 'd but at their Baptism. To whom the perpetual smoke within Doors, and want of a Bon-grace without, does add such a tincture of Complexion, that a Ploughman's Sun-burnt hand, or a Seaman's weather-beaten face, is Snow and Cream to it: So that one need not fear much temptation, they being, indeed, mere Scarr-Crows, and their Phisiognomies such a defence, such a spell for their Plackets, such a refrigeratory 'gainst the flames of Lust, that in the Day-light they are secure from any violent attempt upon their Chastity, though in the Night they may pass Muster, and the push of Pike, when Joan is as good as my Lady.  
nonsense, their Converse; kindness, Treachery;  
read hair, and Louziness, their lechery.  
Their Bodies are of a tolerable proportion, and to be born withal, but then are they mounted on such misshapen Trussels or Supporters, that whenever any Man desires to try the Pleasure of their Embraces, he will be sure( as a witty Gentleman observed) to lay their Legs aside. Their Breasts are excepted against by some, for being of the same size with their Buttocks: and their Hands are so tanned leather'd, that Gloves were but thrown away upon them.  
Amorous they are as Doves, but not altogether so chast as Turtles, desiring as much to be billing, and very frequently bringing forth Twins, as the others hatch young ones by Pairs. There needs no great Ceremony or Courtship, for if they yield not at first Summons upon Composition, a slight attack wins the Fortress, and one may soon enter. These old Texts being Orthodox amongst them, Touch and take, Laugh and lie down, Up and ride, and so to the end of the Chapter.  
It is affirmed by some, that of late, they did begin to drive this Trade for Profit, as well as Pleasure, and were grown so wary in their Bargains, that( like their own Country Kine) they would not give down one drop of their Kindness till they saw their Golden Calf within their reach. But on a design of Marriage they are less scrupulous or cautious, and so far from selling a big in a Poke, that it is not unusual for the Man to mount the Beast, before he binds the Bargain; so that 'tis no strange thing amongst them, to make a Maid a Whore first, and then to make that Whore his Wife afterwards; like a Sloven that first makes a Close-stool of his own Hat, and then claps it upon his own Head. Thus rather than want Horns, they will have some of their own graffing, antidating themselves Cuckolds; and having taught their Wives this Lesson so early, who can wonder if they practise it afterwards, a new Cask still retains a touch of its first Seasoning, and when once such young Colts find the Gap of Liberty set open, they will frisk out of the Bounds of all Modesty, and never leave running till they have brought their Husbands to Cockolds-Point.  
The Men, as Birds of the same Nest and Feather, differ only in the Sex, not in their good Humour and Conditions. Withall, they are held to be in some measure more Crafty than might be expected; but not Prudent, nor Honest; Credulous and light of belief, treacherous, sharking, and great List'ners after News, which may be imputed to their long unsettled Government, fearing always some Innovation, and eminent Change and Danger.  
Notorious Thieves they are, and very Skilful at Leger-de-main, for which Trade both Nature and Fortune seem to have fitted them; For as they are miserable Poor, so they are more Impudent than a Court-Page, or an Italian courtesan, and have made it a common practise to enter into any House without the Civility of craving leave, or knocking at the Door; and being once in, they have no creaking Shoes to betray them, but either they wear Broags, a kind of thin Pumps, or else make so bold with Nature as to use their bare feet: If they spy any portable prise, their Hands are like Lime-twigs, and the Prey shall hardly escape them; nor are they ever unprovided of a Cloak or Mantle( large as a Jesuite's Conscience) to spread over their Knavery; And lastly, for Agility and swiftness of retreat, they may compare with Mercury himself, being ever in a running Posture, and always setting the best foot foremost.  
Surely, of all People they are the least troubled with Corns upon their Toes, they walk so soundly; but amongst a thousand of their Hands, I do not think one Finger could be picked out that were not tainted with an Itch after unlawful Gain, or infected with a fellow: for so much sweetness do they fancy in the relish of Stolen-Goods, that they have little gusto for any other.  
It is an usual Saying, That a good Face needs no Band, and a bad one deserves none; which may be a reason why these are so ill accoutred and negligent in their Apparel; tho' if the extreme Poverty of the generality be considered( which yet proceeds from their own sloth, their Condition being much like Job's upon the dunghill) we shall find more cause to pity, than wonder at them. Once a Year, perhaps, their Stock may swell to the purchase of a frieze Garment of a brace of Two-pences the bandle; higher it can hardly reach, whatever their Ambition prompt them to: a coarse out-side, indeed, yet most think it suitable enough to the lining within, for a Loam Wall deserves but a mean Hanging.  
The Females have a Head Attire which they call Kerchers: amongst the better Sort it is made of linen, but seldom so white as a Dutch-man's Sail: whilst the common Trulls cannot possibly be any thing, but an old Rag turned out of other Service, or the flappet of a Month worn Smock reprieved from the Wash-bowl; and yet, as one said of the like Sluttery, the poor remnant looks as briskly as if it were promised for the next whole quarter to scape many a scouring.  
Flesh-bags they may, some of them, have for the Day, but at Night they ever uncase themselves and lig in the woollen, if their Wits can gather enough to cover them, otherwise they nustle together in Litter with the Sow and Pigs, being all of a Family: But their Smocks cannot properly be called Changes, for they seldom allow themselves more than one, till that be worn out, which is used till it be fit to be torn off their Backs for touch to light Tobacco as they sit in the Fields, as I have seen them do. Thus the Smock is at last turned into smoke, having first struck fire in the Devil's Tinder-box the Tobacco-Pipe, which one wittily compares to the Passion of Love, thus: 
So fares it with an Amorous Desire;  
The more 'tis kissed, the more 'tis set on fire.   
Dancing is much in request amongst them, after their rude way, which is much like the Drunken Bacchanals of old: Their chief Delight is called the trot, and it is not name improperly, for not only Banks's Horse was an absolute Monsieur to them; and the heaviest mere that ever trotted Man's Dagger out of its sheathe, went more regular and smoothly, but it hath likewise so many Horse-tricks in it, that 'tis much sitter for the Stable, than any decent Hall, or Dining-Room.  
The Jews Trump is their common music, to whose Melody they will hobble till the labour makes them sand forth a Haut-goust as little pleasing as their Tunes: but if they can attain to a Harp or Bag-Pipe, O then they will Dance out of all Measure! add to this their Tatter-demallion Dress, and no Antimasque of Rag-a-Muffians was ever like them: Their Petticoats, if any, are of as many several Colours as a Tailor's fundamental Cushion; to which the waistcoat is the fittest match that can be, and across their Shoulders a linen shrowded of the same hue of a Winding sheet after some Years burial. Shoes are above their Price, neither are Broags a Purchase for every one; No, they stand more upon their Feet than so, and for Stockings they have a very cheap and durable Mode, one Pair lasting their whole Pilgrimage, and those no other than of Nature's knitting, which sit close, and so tite, it saves the labour of Gart'ring; having no great fault, but their too much Calf.  
compliments are as seldom used amongst them, as the Common-Prayers amongst the Non-Con; you might as soon teach an Elephant to cut a Caper, as bring one of them to make a handsome Leg: Such Block-heads have they, that 'tis a trouble to them to pull off their Hats; which done, shall be seconded with a Speech containing less sense and reason than that of Balaam's Ass; and to be sure must either be ushered in, or out, with a By Chreesht and St. Patrick, or an Elegant-Curse, or two: But for this nonsense perhaps their Nurses are to be condemned, who( especially in Ulster) when they suckle their young Babes, if they chance to have a could in their Heads, seldom or never wipe their Noses, but suck them with their Mouths so hard, that, as one observed, 'tis very probable that they suck out all their Brains, and leave them for ever after empty Skull'd. I wonder, said one, to an irishmen, that being Thirty Years of Age, and having travelled through the best Part of the World, you should be so great a Fool still. That's no wonder, replies another. But the greater wonder is, that there should be a whole Kingdom of such Fools.  
Shirts are no less out of date amongst the Teagues than Surplices with the Dissenters; so that one may guess what poor shift they make to keep their Bodies sweet: and may not this be one reason why they so much dread to hear one break wind at the Postern? The intolerable sustiness that must needs lie lurking in their unlined Breeches, adding a stench beyond the Devil's Pomander: otherwise they do not appear so over-nice and curious, nor would they contradict the Proverb, That Every mans tail smells sweet in his own Nose: Neither would they let fly so often above-board, for they will belch as loud as Pot-guns, and as often as a Lover in absence breaths his amorous Sighs: But add to the rest the straightness of their Breeches, called Trowses, which sit as close as a Jealous Wife to her Husband's tail, and you need not wonder at their backward Modesty.  
Some count them naturally hospitable, but if they are so, it is after such an ill-favoured manner, that 'tis like the giving an Alms in a nasty Clout, which Necessity may make welcome, but the greatest Charity cannot account Decent.  
Bonny-Clabber and Mulahaan, alias sour Milk, and Choak-Cheese, with a Dish of Potatoes boiled, is the general Entertainment, to which add an Oat-cake, and it completes their Bill of Fare, unless they intend to show their excessive Prodigality, and tempt your Appetite with a Dozen of Eggs extraordinary, which many times, instead of being new-laid, prove like over-ridden Wenches, either rotten, or else having a young Chick in the belly of' em. After this, comes Tobacco; which you must either take in smoke, or Snuff, if you will be good Company, while they sit chewing it with as much eagerness and desire, as the longing great-bellied Woman did bite at the fat Man's Breech. And for a close to all this Treat ( a la Grandezza) the Mistress shall produce her Moornaun of sour Milk, and having stripped up her sleeve to the Shoulder, she thrusts up to the Arm-pits, and stirring the Curds at the bottom with her Hands▪ she then presents you with the liquour, and if you like it, you may fill your Belly with her kindness till you are satisfied.  
I have heard it affirmed also, by knowing Persons in this Country, that in some Parts of it, they have a way of making a soup, beyond all the French Pottages in Vogue; the way is thus, A Dame of the better sort, having had the good Fortune to boil a piece of very fat Pork, till a great part of it is run into an Oil swimming on the top, she strips off her Smock, dips it therein till it has soaked up all the Grease; then puts it on her Body, and so wears it some days to smoothen her Skin, and suppling her Joints; now if afterwards there be occasion, and no store of other Provision about the Cabban, off comes this anointed Garment again, which being boiled in clear Water, and a little Oatmeal, and a small Faggot of Herbs; the melted Fat, and those other Ingredients will be converted into a most savoury Mess of Irish-Smock-broath, and then 'tis done in a Dish.  
Sure, they learned this in some Besieged City, like Sanserre, or London-Derry, near starved, where like the Parboil'd Shoes and hides, it might afford some relish, but they that can digest this abominable Sluttery, not provoked or sharpened by Famine, need never stay their Stomachs till the sky falls, for such Dainties, as a Dish of Larks. Sure, where the Devil sent these Cooks, he must also sand them Customers, or they may eat it all themselves.  
But let me not forget their Butter, made up with so much filth and Hair, it looks like the Lime we prepare to plaster our Walls withal, which being beaten up into as rude a shape as a Spanish Piece of Eight, if eaten without Sindging, or not melted and strained, you shall run as great hazard, as one that would swallow the Burr of an over-grown Artichoke without Butter, or a pickled Rope without Sauce: Hence one may easily guess the difference betwixt this and the Dutch Butter-box, the one cutting like Spanish Marmalad, the other like untried Kitchin-stuff, and having as rank an odour as a Carriers Summer trotters. If they had the Wit to put the Hair in one Dish and the Butter in another apart: it might be in a Man's choice to take or leave as he pleased; but they are so ordered, you must eat both or none.  
And that their Bread may be suitable to their Butter, and so stick the closer together, the Women grinned their Corn on a ston placed betwixt their naked Thighs upon the Ground( in the very same posture as they Churn their Cream) Their Mills having this Advantage over others, that they are equally supplied both with Wind and Water at the same instant.  
Drinking is not so much their 'vice, as some of their Neighbouring Nations, unless their so excessive smoking be reckoned in, to which both the Men and Women are so generally addicted; yea, the very Children too, that an Infant of their breeding, shall take more delight in handling a Tobacco-Pipe than a Rattle, and will sooner learn to make use of it, than another shall of it's Sucking-bottle. Surely, this Indian Weed is a very Witch, and they have this resemblance, that both of them are very masty and ugly.  
The liquour they palate best, when they venture at a Debauch, is Usquebaugh, a kind of exceeding strong Aqua-vitae, which though esteemed as liquour of Life, yet it does sometimes leave them Dead Drunk upon the Spot.  
In their prise they are pettish and haughty, but not stout; for I have seen one resolute Stranger make a whole Bevy of them, lick up the foul Language they had vomited in his presence, and by drawing a little Blood from one, all the rest have been fainting; which shows that the Potion heats only their Brain and Tongue, but leaves the Heart could as before, and does them this Prejudice, that it brings them many times into a Scuffle, but cannot bring them out again with any credit, or honour.  
For daring Valour, or true heat of Courage was never yet the Crime laid to their charge. And though Wars has often been given to them; yet I wonder when it was that they were so given to War as Solinus affirms, that the Mother at the Birth of a Son, gave the Child the first piece of Flesh it ever tasted upon the point of her Husband's Sword, using many stout Imprecations, wishing that it might live and die no otherwise than by the Sword. But since, it seems, that Sword by the Iron teeth of Time, has been eaten away into a Skeyne only, like that of Captain Bessus into a Dagger: for take them all along both in the time of Oliver, and these present Combustions, and you will find that never Men sneaked themselves so unworthily out of their Interests as they have done, witness the late Siege of London-derry, where a small Town, a Garrison of unexperienced and unprovided People; a Gown-man for their Governor, withstood the whole force of their Royal-Army, headed by old foreign Generals: who notwithstanding their regular Approaches, their threatening Bombs, and all other Arts of Military Stratagems, were at length forced to retire, and would have fain shuffled all away, if those of Inniskilling had not so rudely saluted and stopped many of them, en passant, which the Monsieurs of their Party think to be so very uncivil towards those that had been sent so far to give them a visit, that it's believed, if ever any of them can recover their own Country again, they will hardly return into Ireland; since they understand compliment no better, or use such rugged Ceremonies to those that have been bread more Courtier-like. So that if we consider the mere Irish, it seems these poor Dastards have not so much as the very ruins of Valour left in them, to reach forth to Posterity any sign that they are the lawful Descendants of those valiant Ancestors, and courageous Amazons mentioned by Solinus.  
It is an Irish Observation ( and a notable one to) that whenever two Armies meet in Battle, the one must run, for both cannot conquer, and since one must give way, why not at the beginning before much Bloodshed, rather than after too many lives are lost; and since one of them must, or generally does run, who fitter to run than they whom Nature has provided with better Legs to run, than Hands or Hearts to fight; therefore they commonly do run, and run betimes, lest some Wound in their Legs should hinder their nimble Retreat: This made an old experienced Officer( who knew the way of the reasoning of these Bruits) cause some Regiments of Dragoons to march on foot up towards their more numerous Army, with Boots on, whom when the Irish beholded, they straightway concluded that those English men being booted, would not, or could not run, and since one Party must go off at last, it must needs be themselves, and therefore they discreetly ran all away immediately.  
Or if ever they do fight, they do it more courageously upon any other Turf, than their own; for there, as abovesaid, their Heels do ever do them more Service than their Hands( which profess themselves utter Enemies of all Industry) and if they recover a Bog, St. Patrick then hugs them in the bosom of his safest Protection.  
Bloody they are when they can o'repower, and do it securely, and this is an Effect of their base cowardice,( for that and Pride and Cruelty are Curs of the same Litter) witness their execrable Butcheries and Massacres of our poor unwary and unarmed Country-folks, their Burning and Destroying of Towns, which hath lain upon them so heavy ever since, that what Cause soever they manage, hath but ill success, and what Friends soever engages for them, have and shall still suffer the more deeply for being on that side.  
A Stiff-necked Generation they cannot be called, they lay them down so readily to every yoke, as if they were born to Servitude, and so we find them inclined to have been indifferently under their own Countrymen, or under their old Friends the Spaniards in former times, and their new Friends the French at present, if the English should not prevent it. Therefore are they the less to be pitied, because by them there is no greater Liberty expected, or much desired and struggled for by them.  
Some few Places they have which may be of good Strength, but those general Buildings they call Castles, wherein some better sort of Teagues do dwell, are indeed no other than mere Prisons, where every Apartment is but a different Dungeon; and though they were intended for places of Defence, not for Pleasure, or economical convenience; yet whoever surveys them with a skilful Eye, does meet with such strange Irregularities and Transgressions against both the Ancient and Modern Rules of Fortification, as will soon make him conclude it was their great Fear and little Wit, or judgement, that was chief Ingenier; so that they may more properly be called Block-houses, in honour of those Dull-heads that Founded them.  
And as they shewed but little Ingenuity in their contrivance that raised them; so their Heirs have hitherto( and I believe will hereafter) show less Courage in Defending them, who though they may have lofty Towers, yet having but grovelling Spirits, tho' they have strong Walls, yet having but weak Hearts, tho' they have Care and Fear enough to Man a Fort;( which are said to be the most circumspectly and wary Sentinels) yet having so little brave Resolution to back them withal, they will scarce prove so good a Guard as the goose were to the Capitol, for they are said to have preserved that place, whereas these have often already,( and I dare affirm, will often hereafter) surrender and fly, at first Summons, without so much as hissing or gaggling.  
And as these Castle-houses are but rough-hewn on the outside, so are they yet more homely within, their general Furniture is scarce worth the mention, and such as have the best, do marshal it after such an indecent manner, that it lies in as great disorder as a Tavern after a Midnights reveling Debauch, or a Bawdy-house after a fray.  
The middle sort of People, had formerly many more of these sort of Dens, but in the long Parliaments time an infinite number were destroyed, or so defaced, they now look like the remnant of a London-Custard, that has been assaulted at a City Feast, with much Valour and Stomach.  
I do not hereby design any thing of the true Gentry, or Nobility, amongst whom there are Persons of as great Valour, as fair Estates, as good Literature and Breeding, and as Eminent virtues as in any of the most Polite Countries: And of these some have as Pompous Titles as any Men upon Earth, to wit, a Duke of Ormond, or the Golden World; Earl of Twomund, or two Worlds; and of Desmond, or ten Worlds, as if one World were too little for them: whilst the Commons are contented with the meanest Titles, and least Proportion that can be imagined of one poor dirty corner of this World.  
But to return to our first Post: Their Language seems to be very ancient, indeed, being almost worn quiter out of Date, scarce known in any other Country, and not generally used in their own: To a Foreigner it sounds so unpleasant, that it rather grates than tickles the Ear, and seems fitter to conjure than converse in. Withal, they use such a whining tone, and speak so precipitately, that considering their Garb and Posture, you would think they had been newly stripped of their little All; and were now hastily and earnestly craving your Relief and Charity for a fresh Supply.  
Nor are they more grave or demure in their place; but frisk it about the Streets, so Post-horse like, as if a Bailiff pursued them, or some fiercer Devil driven them.  
Yet at their work they are on the other hand, so slow and deliberate( Digging, Ploughing, Thrashing, &c. with their Cloaks upon their Backs, and wasting so much of their time in smoking and Prating) that it is usual to hire Four of these Lubbers to dispatch the same daily Proportion of Work, as is performed by one Industrious English-hind; which would be very chargeable, did they not humbly submit to accept of much lesser Wages, which they take good care not to over-earn, lest they should surfeit themselves, or wear out their precious Limbs too soon; and either want more Business, or the Strength to go thorough with it next day.  
Some Historians do speak them to be very tender and careful of their Young ones: but wherein that tendernessconsists, is not readily to be found out. For their Food is not in the least degree better than they allow their Pigs, Bonny-rowre for the Summer, and Potato-roots in Winter are their choicest Dainties: and then for their clothing, it is yet courser; of a whole Child the third part is scarce covered with Woollen; nor so much linen to be seen amongst a whole Tribe as would make a Quakers falling-band, or furnish an ordinary Box with Tinder, they being for the most part as naked as a young Ladies Neck in the Dogdays, or the bide in the Fable stripped of its borrowed Plumes; so that unless their Apish hugging them in their Arms, or carrying them on their Backs can make it out, I cannot.  
And when they are grown up, their Education is suitable to the rest of their Care: For I have known many other People take more pains to reach a Parrot, or to train a Spaniel, than they do to instruct their Children, and perhaps have brought them to more dexterity of Understanding, and Ingenuity: Writing is a rarity, and Reading would be utterly laid aside, were it not of great and important consequence when they are allowed the Benefit of their Clergy in a Neck-verse. And how much the want of Education sets them beneath a Learned and Polite People, may be found out in the first Hours conversation with either of them.  
But however careless they be of the Living, they are mightily concerned for the Dead, having a Custom,( which sure they borrowed from the Egyptians) of howling when they carry any one to Burial, and screaming over their Graves, not like other Christians, but like People without Hope: and sooner than this shall be omitted, they do hire a whole Herd of these crocodiles to accompany the Corps, who with their counterfeit Tears and Sighs, and confused Clamour and Noise, do seem hearty to bemoan the departed Friend, though all this is with no more concern and reality, than an Actor on the Theatre for the feigned Death of his Dearest in a Tragedy. Instead of a Funeral Oration, they bawl out these or the like querulous Lamentations, O hone! O hone! Dear Joy, why did thou die and leave us? Hadst thou not Pigs and a Potato Garden? Hadst thou not some Sheep and a Cow, Mulahan and Oat-cake, and good Usquebaugh to comfort thy heart, and put Mirth upon thy Friends? Then, wherefore wouldst thou leave this good World, and thy poor Wife and Children? O hone! O hone! with much more such stuff; to all which, Dear Joy, lending but a deaf Ear, sleeps on till doomsday by St. Patrick, while home they go to Drink, and drown the present Sorrow; till the melancholy fit comes upon them afresh, and the Melodious Harp, or Bag-Pipe is out of the way, and then they resort to the Grave, and bedew it with Tears as big as Turnips, repeating and howling their O hones with as much deep sense and Sorrow as before.  
They have many other extravagant Customs daily practised at their Weddings and christenings, all which would be worth describing, did we know the Original Institution, and true Signification of them, but this they either conceal, or do not now well understand.  
Having occasion once to go to a Country Town of no small note, I chanced to wander into the midst of the Market-place, yet could not find where the Town stood; I saw indeed, several heaps of Rubbish which looked like Dunghills covered over with weather-beaten Straw, and imagined, they were, or might be Peopled with Swine, but could not possibly guess them the Habitations of any Human Race, unless there should be extant a Generation of Pigmies; but upon inquiry and further search, these were the Dwellings of the Teaguelanders themselves, so low, one would have imagined an Earthquake had unmercicifully swallowed the Buildings, all but the very Cook-lofts; the Policy being, as I after learned, to prevent any Enemy that should come to quarter upon them, and make Stables for their Horses of their Dining-Rooms or Bed-Chambers, which now they defy them to do, unless the humble Beasts could creep in upon their knees, and sit down at their Mangers as themselves are ever forced to do within Doors.  
Some of their Chief Cities are tolerably good, but most of them more Populous than Rich( Dublin excepted) for though they are thronged like Hives, yet being for the most part Drones, they rather diminish than increase their Stock; so that were it not for the Industrious English and Strangers amongst them, I am persuaded in process of time, they would let it all run into its original wildness, and live either like cannibals upon one another; or like their Native Wolves,( from whom they are now but one degree removed in point of Industry and Humanity) upon the next Prey they could light on, tho' of their nearest Blood, rather than take the least honest pains to provide better for themselves, or their wretched Progeny.  
But certainly were more of our laborious English, or some of our Active and Industrious Neighbours planted there, and once in the quiet Possession of that iceland, they would soon turn their Rags into Riches; their Corn and Cattle into coin, and make them more famous for their Plenty and Abundance, than they are now despicable for their Want and Scarcity of Cash, and Courage.  
One Privilege, indeed, they have to boast of above most other Countries; which is, that they are free from Venomous Creatures( as England is from Ravenous) which we may believe to be a Natural Antipathy, like that of the Islands Cyprus, and Guernzey; Tho' they will needs attribute it to their Miraclemonger St. Patrick, who,( as their Tradition goes) did one day Summon them all together on the top of an high and large Hill, called Cruich Phadrick, or St. Patrick's Mount; where having by irrisistible Conjuration assembled them, he, by his powerful Invocation called for Fire from Heaven, which came down, and consumed them: To which part of the Legend, some have added( with as much probability of truth) That the great crowd of Irish Witnesses whom the good Saint had brought with him to see this feat, and bear testimony of it, finding he had so good interest and familiarity with God Almighty to obtain what he but asked for, desired him forthwith to make a second Petition, that Heaven would sand down a plentiful Shower of Gold and Silver to cure them of their Poverty, and make them as opulent as the richest Nations: But he angrily replied, That God would work no Miracles to gratify their Covetousness; That he had already given them a large Country, which they were to Cultivate and Improve, and that their honest Labour would bring them in a sufficient Stock of Wealth, &c. and therefore if they were not enough satisfied with this great Blessing so freely conferred, but continued to murmur, and tempt God too far, perhaps he might for their unthankfulness and sordid Desires, turn it into a Curse again, to their perpetual Punishment. But they still importuning him, he at last made a second Essay, not Petitioning for Gold or Silver, but that God would sand down what he knew to be fittest for that Generation. Which word he no sooner had pronounced, but there arose a great and furious Whirlwind, which blew and dispersed the Ashes of those Poisonous Creatures over all the whole Country, and the same being forthwith converted all into Lice, they have for ever since continued a most Nasty and lousy Generation, and could never find a Cure, or remove this Epidemical, Egyptian Bosom-plague, so close it yet sticks to them.  
A most excellent Country it is for a young Traveller to be first seasoned in, for let him but once taste of their Entertainment and Usage, and I dare undertake he shall love all the rest of the World much better ever after)( except Scotland.)  
A certain Portion of the County of gallovvay is very well worth observation; for in a considerable extent thereof, Nature affords 'em neither Water enough to drown 'em, Wood enough to Hang 'em, nor Earth enough to Bury 'em; and yet 'tis very well Inhabited: Now what sort of Creatures, unless a race of Spanish Gennets, that are said to engender by the Wind, or a brood of chameleons that feed upon Air, can subsist where three of the most necessary Elements are so scarce, I leave Oedipus to judge.  
Friendly they are in outward appearance and Promises, and upon ordinary Occasions one may make use of them: But at a pinch, or time of extraordinary trial, if you lean too hard, they prove but broken Reeds, and not only fail to support, but often wound the hand that resteth on their brittle Faith.  
Of this they have given so many eminent and recent Examples, that the whole World is witness of the Truth of the Assertion: For at the Battle of the Boyne, where our victorious Hero King William set upon them under all the Circumstances of Disadvantage, except his Matchless Courage; how basely did they sneak away whilst their foreign Friends made a tolerable( tho' short) resistance; and tho' they had Vowed by Creesht and by St. Patrick to stand by them, and look their Enemies in the fauce, till Death was put upon them: yet they all upon a little firing turned tail in an instant, and disappeared with such Agility, that Thousands of them seemed to outflee the very Shot that were sent after them, and out-ran the nimblest Horsemen that pursued them; leaving their best Officers, and such as had any Valour, to make what retreat and shift they could, without the least regard or assistance on their part.  
Since which, in all their Winter Skirmishes, their petit Assaults upon Gentlemens Houses, their Rapperie Stratagems, and Bogg-Plots, they have shewed so much Cruelty,( where ever they could surprise any unarmed Men, or Women and Children) and so little Courage upon any slight resistance, that it demonstrates them to be more bloody than tigers, and at the same time, more timorous than Hares: But there is now fair hopes the greatest Crew of that cursed Generation will be utterly extirpated, either by Martial-Law, which hath already Hanged them up as thick as Rabbits by Couples in a Poulterer's Shop, or Vermin in a Warren. Or by transplanting them into some other Country so far distant, that their very Name and Ignominious Memory may be lost to all the civilized World.  
A second most remarkable instance we gather from their Behaviour at the Action of Athlone,( to omit Mullingar, &c.) where in a Town most regularly Fortified, well Provided, and fully garrisoned, an Army Encamped within sight to Relieve and Support them, commanded by a fierce and bloody French General( most famous for his Hangman-like Exploits, and Butcherly Infamies) besides a dangerous Ford to be passed in the very teeth of their great and small Shot: Notwithstanding all these Obstructions, a small Party of English Granadiers marching thorough the Water on foot, and following their brave Commanders with loud Shouts of Joy( as it were going only in Triumph to the Breach they attacked) they no sooner saw them set foot on shore, and cast their Hand granades into their Works, but they modestly withdrew, and as many as conveniently could, retreated at the Irish rate from the other End of the Town towards the frenchified Camp, when meeting with some Detachments of Horse approaching to assist them, They  told them they might spare the labour, for the Enemy had forced their way in thorough Fire and Water, and would not be persuaded to stay their coming; therefore who could be so fool-hardy, as to contend with, or oppose such desperate and wilful Men; upon which they were convinced in it to be safer to retire than advance, and so turned back again to the Tune of a running Jigg, not staying for any word of Command, nor the Commanders themselves, whom they left to the Enemies mercy, according to the right Teaguish Faith and Gallantry.  
Now what hopes the French Devil of a St. Ruth could Build upon this boggy Foundation of Irish Magnanimity and Fidelity to their new King Lewis d'Or, is hard to guess, unless he believed that for his former noble Service in the Dragooning the heretics in France, with so much Zeal for the catholic Cause, he might be rewarded with the Crown of Romish Martyrdom in Ireland, and admitted into the Popish calendar for his abetting of St. Patrick's Quarrel. Tho' I wish he do not find it true that the Title and Denomination he bare of St. Ruth here, has by the weight of his horrid Crimes sunk him down to be dignified of Satan below, and Entred into the Muster Roll of Pluto's Black Guard of Dragoons, as his highest Reward, and fittest for his blood-thirsty Genius.  
It is reported of the Germans, and some other war-like People, that when they come within sight and hearing of the Enemy, being drawn up in Battalia, and almost ready to Engage, they draw out their broad Swords, and each with a Whetstone, they carry for that purpose, falls to work to set a keen Edge on his Weapon, with so much eagerness and noise, that it begets no little terror in the listening Foe, and Proclaims with what undaunted Resolution they prepare to Assault them. Whereas the Teigs do only gaze about to see what Wood or Bog lies nearest, and can best shelter or favour them in their Retreat, or, perhaps by greazing their Broags, and anointing their Joints, make ready for a more speedy Flight; then throwing down their Arms, and trusting solely to their Legs, dare not so much as once look back, but leave the Devil to take the hindmost.  
Blindly obedient Children they are to the Pope of Rome their Holy Father, and to the Church of Rome their Gawdy-Mother; yet so grossly ignorant in all Matters of Religion, that the History of Tom Thumb being red to them, has passed currant for the Legend of one of their famous Saints, and believed to be as true as Gospel; and if any improbability, nay, impossibility lies in their way, name but St. Patrick for vourcher, and they shall swallow as many prodigious Untruths, as would choke the Credulity of the most illiterate Heathen alive.  
Ask many of them, What was the Name of the most Blessed Virgin Mary, and 'tis ten to one, but they'l answer, it was Jane, or Susan, and that St. Patrick was her Godfather; and to any the like Question, they will furnish you with the like Answer, &c. So that if Ignorance be the true Mother of Devotion; the City of Rome itself cannot produce such Devout catholics as these Teigs; and therefore it's pity but they should be transplanted into the Territories of Holy Church, as being the most submissive Members thereof.  
Much more might be said, but I have raled long enough in this dunghill of Ireland, and shall add no more, but that it is, 

A Land which does no venomed Beast disclose,  
Yet she breeds Men more Venomous than those;  
Men, who in Cruelty are so sublime,  
It shows it is their Nature, as their Crime;  
Yet, when Our Hero's Landing they did hear,  
Their Guilt, tho' vast, did scarce transcend their Fear:   

Which at the Boyne, his Victory made good,  
And wrote Heaven's Justice on them in their Blood.  
Which smee repeated by his General's Sword,  
Th' Oppressors punished, and th' oppressed restored.    

Impartial Reader,  
To evince I have not branded the Commonalty of the Irish Nation with Cowardice either out of Ignorance, or Spleen: or that mere ill Fortune, or any odd Accidents of War, hath been the occasion of their late ill successses( which many times hath befallen the bravest of Men:) I have, to make good my Character of them, added hereunto a true Account of their Behaviour in the beginning of the Former War, in the Time of the Long Parliament, wherein you shall find them described in lively colours to be the same timorous Animals I have declared, as will appear by this Irish Monthly Mercury Printed at Cork, at the same time the Things were Transacted: Which Matters of Fact, were never contradicted by themselves, of the Irish Nation, nor by any other Advocate for them. The Reflections therein contained, may be excused, if the Reader but duly considers in what Times it was written.  
The annexed Poem, being a Land Voyage; is inserted only to describe the Nature of that Climate, most subject to frequent and prodigious Floods of Rain, &c.  
The last is a Fragment of a larger Poem to His Majesty, which containing a short Character of England; was thought proper enough to be joined hereunto.  
Which with the Irish Epigram, serves to Conclude this Trifle.    

The Irish Monthly Mercury.  

I.  
BRave C.....( and his valiant blades)  
Who hath conquered Kingdoms Three,  
And made the War the best of Trades,  
And made it like to be.   

II.  
His Actions 'tis I do intend  
T' expose unto your View;  
Therefore no Muse I need to Friend,  
Nor ought, but to speak true.   

III.  
Jockey's Defeat makes all the Earth  
Abundantly to know him;  
His famed yet finds a second Birth  
From Zim, and Gim, and Ohim.   

IV.  
O would he keep but his Command  
For one Half-file of......  
I'd lose my Head he'd clear the Land  
Of base Teigs, and Bog-trotters.   
IT is but just that the People should have News for their Money, and that they should hear as well as feel the Effects of their Taxes: the Committees have so perfectly performed the last, that if I do but the first as well, I may as much Merit a share in their Gain, as they deserve a Punishment for making any.  
But because I undertake the English Armies progress, I will run over briefly those principal Occurrences which happened before I could come to the conveniency of a Press, and henceforth Monthly deduce you all things in as Set a Form, as the Common-Prayer or Mass-Book.  
Not long after the Sally at Dublin, which the Enemy out of Modesty call the battle of Ramines, the Lord Lieutenant landed at Dublin with an Army so nourished in Victory, that they never saw any Defeats, but those they gave their Enemies. The first Design they undertook, was the gaining of Tredagh, in which the Noble O..... had placed above Three Thousand of his select Men, and Sir A.... A.... for Commander, one as unable to stand to it, as to run away: and it may be thats the reason he fell in the Service, doubtless he was better for a Retreat, since every step he would make a halt. In a word, if the rule be true of judging Hercules by his Foot, one may conclude this a wooden governor. Yet he had made so good Earthen Fortifications, that by trusting to his Works, he shewed what Religion he was of. Their first Retrenchment against us, was the Church, out of which they were soon dislodged; And I dare say, 'twas the first time they ever went from Church unwillingly. This being done too, by some Ordinance of Parliament, 'tis not unlikely, the grave Presbyterians,( if ever the Assembly come into play again) may question their Proceeding, and aver we have a mind our Enemies should still continue Papists, by so pregnantly evincing there was no Salvation for them in our Church. At length the breach being found assaultable( more from the Event than the largeness of it) our Army were so little Courtiers, as to enter the Town, without so much as knocking at the Gate, where all lost their lives but those that saved them: Of the first qualification there were about Three Thousand; of the latter Thirty, be it more or less.  
Whilst this was doing, Inchequin, to divert, but it proved to increase our success, assaulted the Naus, a Town fortified like jericho, after the Battery of the Rams-horns, from whence he drew off with a flay in's Ear, confessing in his Heart, that Providence was a better Engineer than A....., and concluding the Spanish fashion was the best, which is to leave a Town when one cannot take it.  
Doubtless the hermetic Operation is not merely Notional; for we find, that though there wanted a Medium to hand and convey the Enemies fears from Tredagh to Trim and Dundalk; yet by Sympathetical working, those in the two last specified Garrisons abandoned them as soon as we had the first, and thereby gave us no trouble in the taking them, but that we took nothing in them.  
The Army, after a short breathing at Dublin, marched with some Cannon to Washford; a thing( to those that know the way) as hard to be believed as performed; and endured more to seek Danger, than others could to avoid it. Washford is the Dunkirk of Ireland, and a place only famous for being infamous: This also the Army took by Storm; but a few were spared, and but a few put to the Sword; for the Divine Justice manifested itself to be what it is, in making those who had ruined many by the Sea, to be ruined in it. 'tis a frequent rule with Heaven, to evidence the Sin in the Punishment: near Two Thousand of those Otters were drowned; which was generally esteemed a Misfortune, but only because there were no more drowned.  
From Washford the Army marched to Ros Pontis, so called,( as I take it) because it never had a Bridge. The place was soon yielded; and tho' the dispute was short, the Foe made a shift to lose Five hundred Men; who being all English, fought stoutly for the time, and gave us ten times the work of so many Irish. This was the dearest Siege we undertook; for it cost ever since as much Money as will Pay half a Thousand of Men.  
Certainly that Axiom in Philosophy is true, that all things have a natural Appetite to overdo with that part of itself from which it hath violently been divided. This was demonstrated by the English surprisal of the City of Cork, and reintegrating themselves into their own Nation. Sir R.S. Knight, &c. was governor there, who little dreamed of losing his Command, and yet found he had lost it when he waked: one may truly say he was taken napping: But I must aclowledge, to extenuate his misfortune, that he was divested of his Government in the dark, and by consequence could not see to prevent it. Sure this mayor General lost his way into that Office, and was as much surprised at his having got that Employment, as we were to see him in it. His Ignorance was so great, it past for his Religion; for never any that saw him draw up the Army, but concluded he relied on Providence for the Victory, he made so little use of the means for the obtaining of it. He has now done that too, which he never did to his Regiment, I mean Exercised; and the word of Command is, As you were; that is, reduced to his Primitive Existence, which affords him the stoics Motto, Omnia mea mecum Porto. This makes me that I believe he will think these last Eight Years to be a Dream, and that he was never really waked out of it, but when these rude Fellows of Cork presumed to do it.  
There was besides in Cork, the Right Reverend Father the—: And tho' he were immediately commanded to leave the Town, yet, in spite of the Officers Noses, he did his BUSINESS first, nay carried it away with him too. This is a Man of so Unfortunate a Behaviour, that he left an ill Odour behind him, both amongst his Friends and Enemies: yet thereby he rendered one Branch of the Covenant unperformable, as to his particular; for though he were a Limb of the Hierarchy, yet it was impossible to take him CLEAN away.  
The General being assured of the Declaration of Cork, to improve that Success, sent away Col. P— for Munster, with Five hundred Foot in a Fleet, that took another whilst the first was weighing Anchor; but as these Forces were Sailing by Dungarvan, News was brought them, that Yoghal had declared too, which made them Land there. In a short time, as one Shoulder of Mutton draws down another, so one Town did the like unto another, whereby in less than a Fortnight, the Parliament recovered their former Interest in that Province, and with as little Blood, as they had lost it.  
By this O— and own row O neal had shook hands, the General hoping they would think themselves strong enough to be beaten,( for he desired no higher certainty of the Victory than to come to the Battle) marched over the Barro, upon a Bridge which floated, but he soon found the Enemy did so too, and that tho' they wanted valour itself, yet they had the best part of it discretion, or like Unfortunate Gamesters, they would stake away their Rest, and never Play for it.  
But J— who no man can say hath been Unactive, tho' it were only for the often changing of his Party, with near Three thousand Horse and Foot, went to encounter a small Party of ours, being but a handful, coming from Dublin, he took them tired cap-à-pie, yet they gave him so rude a Salute, for a Gentleman that came so far to meet them; that he took their usage so much to heart, as he Vowed he would never be guilty of the like Civility again: In a word, he did nothing considerable, but that he did nothing that was so, neither can I think any thing in his defence, for his Retreat, but that he is dear to his Mistress, and consequently believes she will value him the more, for taking such care to preserve what she loved.  
Our Army being over the Barro, and the Enemies not so much as attempting to sand them back, those of Inestege believing it was out of compliment; to imitate their superiors, quitted to us that Quarter, and the Magistrate of the Town of carack, loth that any should transcend him in Civility, received Col. R— into his Corporation; nay, though the Colonel had been so unkind as to give him no Advertisement of his Visit, till he was within the Walls: Col. R— who is so just as to take the intention for the Act, and who was convinced, that had they known of his coming, they would have been better provided for him,  told the Inhabitants, It was better as it was.  
The General by the benefit of this place, Fords over the River of Shoore, and advanceth towards Waterford, but the Foe not daring to relieve it by force, endeavour it by Diversion, and at Noon-day stormed carack, but the Gallant Englishman, that had the Courage to take it, had also the Valour to defend it, and having increased the Romish Martyrs by a Recruit of Three or Four hundred, the rest very wisely concluded there would be then no room for any more of them in the Holy Muster-Roll, and so adjourned their Martyrdom till a convenienter Opportunity; all the Honour they got by the Attempt, was that they durst make it.  
But though we had thus happily overcome hitherto all Enemies we had encountered, yet one was soon sent us that plainly worsted us, which was the Extremity of the Weather, that permitted not our Ships( wherein was our Bread and Artillery) to continue any longer in the Road, nor us in the Field; So that the Second of this Month we drew off from near Waterford( having first taken and garrisoned the Fort of Passage in the way to Harbour) but in Weather so sad, that our marching away in it could not fill the Town with more Joy. The Fourth, the Army did march by Dungarvan, which the day before had turned Honest. There it was that Lieutenant-General Jo— fell Sick, and in Seven days died, a Loss which countervails almost all our Victories, and which merits as many Tears as the very Clouds have  shed of late; he was a Person of whom I should give you a low Character, if I thought I could give you his. In brief, he was a Person to be known Negatively, which was the way, the best Pen choose to describe the best place.  
The General having past the Black-water, made Yoghal his Head-Quarter, where he received Intelligence the Eleventh of this Instant, that Lieutenant-General F—, intending to make a Boe-peep War of it, had drawn out of Waterford Two thousand Horse and Foot, and was set down before the Fort of Passage; he therefore immediately Commanded away gallant Col. S— with about One hundred and eighty Horse, and as many Foot and Dragoons; he ordered his Business so well, that he routed the Teigs, killed and took Six hundred, without the loss of one Man on our side: Heaven knowing that we wanted Men, as much as Success, did therefore give us the last, and preserved the first. The Prisoners consisted of Irish Vulsters, and English-Irish Vulsters, for so I make bold to term the Fuzees, and if I be not mistaken, they will make bold to deserve that Name. There, too, was taken Wo—, one who commanded Duncannon, and who there prayed God to keep him from the General's Mercy; I believe his prayer will be granted, for he shall receive his Justice, for by the Rules of Gradation he must now serve the Gallows, they admit but of three Stories, nor can his changes admit of more; his first Masters( since he left the English Service) were the Jockies, his second the Teigs; now, if any can find a Superlative, to that Positive and Comparative, but the Gibbet, I wish that may not prove. Mr. Wo— 's Fate.  
These Vulsters now taken are as near Jockies in condition, as in Country, a People too, that hate their own Country, as much as the Original Covenanters do theirs, and with as much cause: They are both like Fountains, always running from whence they Spring; me-thinks 'twere not amiss those Barbarians should be sent after their General O. R— who died about a Month since; and yet upon better thoughts that would prove no Punishment, for it would but confine them eternally from returning home; 'twere better make an Irish-Tweed, or a Pictwall, and keep them on the North side of it.  
The General having ordered these Savages to be convoyed to Cork, went thither himself the Fifteenth; and whereas other Corporations make their Mouth tell their Joy, this made their Looks do it, in which I believe he saw their Hearts; I cannot for the credit of the Place, but let the World know, there was too a Speech made by an old Inhabitant of the City; I must confess I cannot do him the right to relate his words, but I must do him this right, that I believe they pleased the General well, for they made him laugh hearty.  
The Twentieth, the beforementioned Vulsters came to Town, a Crew of such things as admits not of any Comparison, but amongst the residue of their Country-men; what the dull P—( who hath not Wit enough to be a Secretary) cast upon the Army, might have been seen in this epitome of the Enemies, I mean naked Adamites for want of clothing, Cowardly Quakers, &c. But yet 'tis strange they are such docile Creatures, that upon only a bare Motion of the Marshal General, they had all like to have gone to Church; some merry Fellows were about to move the General, that the Clergy of this Province who are now reformed( I mean not in their Lives, but Livings) should have this new Congregation for their Parishioners; and truly 'twere not amiss, for it's thought they are as like to convert them as any others: Oh, would that Clergy but keep as far from Sin, as they use to do from their Texts, or as they are like to do from their tithes.  
Some transcendent Losses we have had by the Death of some of our bravest Officers cut off by the Distemper of the Country: but to sweeten this Cup, we understand for certain, that the Lord President of Connaught hath taken Colerane by Storm, and hath so settled the Irish and Scotch Garrison in it, that they are never like to march out of it again. We hear further he hath agreed for the Surrender of Karick-vergus, if it be not relieved in six Weeks time; and though some believe the Garrison have taken so long a time, in hope of Relief from their Country, yet I believe 'tis only to keep so long out of it.  
Sir H. w— too, the Nineteenth of this Month, Landed with a Regiment of Foot clad in a Livery, which I believe their Swords will wear next Spring: There are besides several other Ships come from the West, from Milford, from Bristol, and from London, with Provisions, Money, Men, Artillery, &c.  
Thus Seas and Winds and Men, do all make Leagues,  
To act the ruin of the filthy Teagues.  
Ended the 21th of Decemb. 1649. Printed at cork.   

A LAND VOYAGE IN IRELAND.  
AFter a Breakfast the last Sundays Eve,  
By the Sun's Rise, the Blarney we did leave;  
Who at his getting up, so smiled and laughed,  
As if he'd drink the Clouds for's Mornings draft;  
But yet, alas, we had not gone a League,  
When the false Weather turned directly Teige;  
And the Wind, too, unkindly turned South,  
And blew i'th' Teeth of those had some i'th' Mouth.  
Of those had none; so that Betty th' unfair  
Spite of all Wants had suffered, if then there.  
The Rain powered down so fast, 'twas too well known,  
The Clouds were then, not troubled with the ston.  
This did so greatly raise a little Brook,  
That we did fear our Way we had mistook;  
For 'twas so deep, that a Ship might have then  
Floated, tho' laden with Commitee-Men.  
Which Danger when we found, we did begin  
To wish each Hand and Foot had been a Finn.  
At length, by Land and Water, we got o'er,  
And had no sooner reached the Pagan shore,  
But a bold Teige, e're we could look about,  
Swore he would wet our Inside, as our Out.  
With that he brought a Flagon, but so greasy,  
That had my Boots been half so much, with ease I  
The Water had kept out; which we did fear  
Much less, then to let in his smaller Beer:  
Beer, of which many ill things might be se'd,  
Were 't not unfit to speak ill of the DEAD.  
Yet thus much of it I dare boldly say,  
Tho' weak, it quickly driven us all away.  
But That, you'l say, was not much for it's famed,  
Since that the Water, had near done the same.  
Having our Potion drunk, we held it fit  
To Pay, though Drinking we had Paid for it:  
Perhaps the Entertainer thought the same:  
For, when but Money only we did name,  
He took't so ill, that clearly I do think,  
Nothing could be worse taken, but his Drink.  
Our Host, at length, a little satisfied,  
Yet more than we, our Beasts we did bestride,  
And switch and spur, a foot place rid away,  
Unto the place where Captain Ruddock lay:  
But wet so Cap-a-pee, that where we stood,  
We almost there did raise a second Flood,  
Which made the half-drown'd Garrison desire  
That we this marching Deluge would retire;  
Nay some of them stuck not to say aloud,  
We were not Men, but a dissolving Cloud.  
Such were our droppings, that if they had been  
Tears of Repentance we had drowned our Sin.  
Our half-becalmed Steeds we then did lash-on,  
Till at the length we came to Balliglashon;  
But some, as I thought, went with an ill will on,  
Tho' that the Quarters were of Captain Dillon.  
But there my Wat'ry Friends grew quickly merry,  
Finding the ford there turned into a Ferry;  
Hoping that we no further could go on;  
But ended there our Navigation.  
I scorned so poor a thought, and therefore got  
A reeling Charon, to a reeling Cott.  
It was a Miracle we were not sunk,  
Since that the Boat, and Boatman both were drunk.  
Had, but the first as full of liquour been,  
As the last was, nought could have made it swim.  
That Axiom we did then Experiment,  
That nothing's weighty in its Element;  
Else we had there miscarried without doubt,  
By Charon's wet within, and ours without.  
But of George Dillon three Steeds I did borrow,  
Which I made bold, the Water to swim thorough.  
Our Train we left there, and those three that went on,  
Were I, my Servant Gibbs, and Maurice Fenton.  
So lean those Gennets were, that I their Ribs  
Could see, as plainly, as I could see Gibbs:  
And to speak true, the best Beast that we were on,  
Was both by Sire and Dam, a downright Garron.  
As for their mettle, you must think it rare,  
When nought about them but their hair did stare.  
Their outside, tho' twere harsh, yet sure they be  
The civil'st Creatures I did ever see;  
For, without lying, it might well be se'd,  
To every thing they bowed both knee and head,  
Chiefly my own, which made me strongly fear  
I then did ride on an Idolater;  
At least, if it be lawful so to say  
Of one who unto Stones doth Kneel and Pray.  
And when he stumbled, you might then as soon  
Have hindered Fate, as him, from falling down.  
But yet so wanton, that between each Spit  
And Stride, he ever Incest would commit.  
Maurice his stead oft put him into fright  
Of justly losing the Name of white Knight.  
The Horse too that my Man was mounted on,  
Was by his Master called Choridon.  
Which gallant Name did cost the poor Jade dear,  
It made him both Gibbs and the Cloak-bag bear;  
Which forced the proud Getulian so to puff,  
That we at first did think he took't in snuff.  
And therefore, for to right him I was minded,  
Which doing, I soon found him broken-winded.  
And that he shew'd, too, in so high a form,  
I wondered crossing Styx, he raised no Storm.  
This real truth, as soon as I did find  
We voted Gibbs still for to ride behind.  
Which tho we had not, here 'tis to be noted,  
The Beast himself had done, what we had voted:  
So that when mettle in our Steeds did fail,  
That want was helped by his obliging Gale.  
But now I end, lest some might truly say,  
The Story is as tedious as the Way.  
At length, with hazard both of Life and limb,  
By Candle-light Macroome we entred in;  
So dirty, that even as much Rain again,  
Could with much difficulty make us clean.  
Our Horses too, as those that saw them say,  
appeared like moving Statues made of day;  
And tho' alive, did seem the self-same Earth,  
From whence at first they did derive their Birth.  
We were no sooner lighted, but we there  
Did offer up, many a Curse, and prayer;  
The first, a greater sure we could not give,  
Was that our Horses as they were might live;  
And the last was, They might be rid by those  
Who were our Private, and the public Foes.   

A POEM To His Sacred Majesty King William.  
ALL things, as at the first, in Chaos lay  
Till You appeared, and did the sceptre sway;  
And as that Chaos vanished at a Word,  
So ours did by Your Conduct and Your Sword:  
Your Sword which like Achilles lance has found  
The Power to Cure, as quickly as to Wound.  
To You a double benefit we owe,  
Y' have tamed our Foes, and our own Madness too.  
Like to Bethesda's-Pool this Nations Weal,  
Till it was troubled, had not power to Heal.  
By such great Actings, You so changed th' extreme,  
That Istael-like, we are as those who Dream:  
Our past, and now condition, does express,  
What English-men could bear, or should Possess.  
High Blessings from Your power our Land enjoys,  
Yet like the Sun, You cherish without Noise.  
Some Mischiefs did with more Disturbance fall,  
Than You have made in Curing of them all.  
As lingering chemists pant 'twixt fear and hope,  
While their last Wealth exhales in fire and smoke.  
Watch when their phoenix, to their longing eyes,  
With Golden-Wings will from the Ashes rise:  
So midst the ruin both of Church and State,  
Almost despairing, did three Nations wait,  
For You, our grand Restorer, who alone  
Have raised our fortune, rising to the Throne:  
enriched us with more real treasures gain  
Than greedy chemists labour for in vain;  
They in thick mists of smoke are still misled,  
Our Gold's exalted, fixed upon Your Head.  
Whilst this oppressed Country did think fit,  
Under a load of Sufferings to sit,  
With Patience: You at distance, did but mourn  
For wrongs, which You to vindicate were born.  
But when those wrongs in such vast showers did fall  
That this grieved Country to Your Sword did call;  
Th' Oppressor's soon found, they could not withstand  
Vengeance when ripe, and paid by such a hand.  
As we behold, at the first birth of day,  
A beauteous glimpse, while yet the infant Ray  
Of th' rising Sun but just appears in sight,  
Then, by degrees, a fairer stock of Light,  
With burnished beams adorns some lofty hills.  
And after, the whole Scene with Glory fills.  
So You approached, first, with Your Acts of Grace,  
Which soon dark Clouds of guilt and sorrows chase;  
Then some bright rays of favour did let fall,  
On choicest Worthies; now diffusing all.  
Your Splendour doth appear to every Eye,  
In Noon-tide lustre, and full Majesty:  
Your Beams both light and cherish, they impart  
Joy to the sight, and comfort to the heart.  
Nay such Your Influence is, without control,  
It sheds Religion's Blessings on the Soul;  
Whereby Your sovereignty is so increased,  
You have a Throne in every Honest breast,  
Whilst power and Mercy, have to You assigned  
Dominion both on Body, and on Mind.  
And tho' some Enemies against You brings  
Your Lineage not so high, as former Kings:  
Yet Your own Glories do so brightly shine  
You need not the old lustre of Your Line:  
For more that Honour's valued by the Good,  
Which is derived from Merit, than from Blood.  
And 'tis a more transcendent virtue far,  
A Crown to Merit, than a Crown to wear.  
And you the Royal Throne so well adorn,  
The Wise soon prized, what only Fools did scorn:  
A Throne which even the Envious confess,  
Our Safety urged Your Courage to possess.  
One Crown, some judged too much, while yet misled,  
Now three's too mean for Your Illustrious Head,  
Which, tho' Imperial, less to You appear,  
In value, than the Olive wreathe You'l wear.  
Your warlike Sword cuts out our way to Peace,  
The Stubborn quelled, the rest shall live at Ease,  
And 'twill be just in all to own that we  
From Your great Conquests gain our liberty;  
An Emblem how God his Elect receives,  
First he Subdues, then Liberty he gives.  
Those sunk in bondage, You to freedom lift,  
The Noblest giver, and the Noblest gift:  
How were you born to give all Europe Ease,  
And quickly, too, almost by Miracles:  
At home our restless Spirits You have awed;  
Now Your great Courage Summons You abroad,  
Ireland and Scotland, to Your Empire bow,  
And by their Union, we shall stronger grow;  
For none to break our quiet will be found  
Now all our Arrow's in one Sheaf are bound:  
Which has so framed this Empire to endure,  
We need but have Wise Foes to be secure,  
Secure so highly, as to be exempt  
Not from their Conquest only, but Attempt.  
Out fierce Divisions made Your Valour known,  
But more Your Wisdom shines, which makes us one.  
Nor could Success more for the conquered do,  
Than by Your bounty they are raised unto:  
From an Aspiring foreign Tyrant freed,  
The guiltless safe shall live, the Guilty bleed.  
Nay that fell Monster, who with so much Pains  
Has striven to bind all Europe in his Chains,  
Begins to shrink and hid, when You appear,  
And finds a stop put to his swift career.  
His boasted Fleets which threatened late our shore,  
Now Sculks, and bravely dares approach no no more.  
On You oppressed Princes loudly call,  
And jointly make You their great General:  
Upon Your Conduct all their hopes rely,  
Your Sword's the Arbiter of Victory,  
Guided by heaven, the haughty to pluck down,  
And with firm Peace, restore to each his own.  
For Your just thoughts do only take a Care,  
To end, and to prevent a tedious War.  
Therein the Noblest Conquest we shall find,  
When You place bounds, unto Your vaster Mind:  
And to Your sharpest Foes, it is made known,  
You have more ways to Conquer them than one:  
Swords in rough Fetters may Men's Bodies bind,  
But Mercy only does subdue the Mind.  
Thus You'l not only famous be in War,  
But Peace shall spread Your Name, at least, as f●r.  
A Prince thus worthy, sure deserves to be  
The Supreme of the Worlds best monarchy;  
And that our own is such where You bear sway,  
I shall repeat, from what best Poets say.  
Our little English Paradise, is stored  
With all conspiring Elements afford  
To make a Country happy; Here we have  
All that our Health, or sober Pleasures crave;  
And if we greater Riches do desire,  
Than what more frugal Nature does require,  
Industrious Navigators search, abroad  
And in our Ports the costliest Freights unload,  
Gems of high fancied Value, richest Wines,  
Ripe Spices, and the Gold of India's Mines.  
Silks from Luxurious Persia are sent,  
And pleasant Fruits, from every continent.  
Thus with the Waves, Plenty upon us flows,  
And what the Soil denies, the Sea bestows.  
For Prudent Nature nothing here denies,  
But what's superfluous; which our Trade supplies.  
And what those Foreigners will not afford  
In traffic, we can Purchase by the Sword;  
So that whatever useful is, or rate,  
Nature presents us, or an easy War.  
Our Air so temperate we no shady Groves  
Much need, in Summer; nor in Winter Stows:  
For such a clement Heaven this Isle does bless  
Ware seldom scorched; or feel the Frosts excess,  
Which makes it Love's best Climate, and affords.  
Beauties, which are resistless as our Swords.  
That Race of Horses, which our Land does breed,  
Are justly famed for strength, and shape, and speed,  
On whom when once their Valiant Riders get,  
No Foe can shun the battle, or defeat.  
Our Meadows are so fresh still to the Eye,  
As if each Morn spread its new tapestry:  
Whilst other Countries scorched with unkind heat,  
When they a New one in their season get,  
In a few days they then appear to be  
clothed, but with England's old cast Livery:  
For but compared, they faintly green appear,  
Like withered Mantles of a former year:  
Ours being washed in gentle showers and brushed  
With fanning Gales, whilst theirs are soyl'd in Dust.  
Our Herds are large as the Armenian breed,  
And numerous as the flowers, whereon they feed;  
Yet are our Hills most stored with the increase  
Of our white fruitful Flocks, which numberless  
As large a Summer Garment do bestow  
Upon the Hills, as Winter does of Snow:  
Which shorn the Natives for their Pomp soon get  
Dyed in more colours, than the flowers they eat.  
Then from those Hills, we such a prospect spy  
Of Corn, life chief support, i'th' Valleys lie,  
As if the Clouds dropped all their fatness there,  
Or this Isle in its Golden-Age yet were:  
Each fruitful Field's like those the sacred lays  
Of God's own Poet did vouchsafe to Praise,  
Which he with joyful music did adorn,  
And made them seem to Sing and Laugh with Corn.  
Nature, to us such lofty Trees hath given,  
Their Proud tops farther seem from Earth than Heaven;  
Whose sturdy Arms so vastly they do stretch,  
As if the falling Meteors they would catch;  
In bulk so great, that when a few are felled,  
To their great Lord, a numerous Fleet they yield.  
And tho, at Home, they cover little Land,  
Yet, when once launched, the Ocean they command:  
Make our Dominions large, impose a Law  
To all on Seas, and keep the World in awe:  
Whilst Neptune, as his Tribute, every Day  
Huge shoals of Fish, his currant coin does Pay.  
Which when our Neighbours beg upon our Shore,  
Proclaims their Wants, our Charity, and Store.  
Our Rivers, too, such Trade and Plenty yields,  
That they appear as fertile as our Fields.  
Our Ancient Horts in Vineyards we decline,  
apple and Pears presenting us with Wine.  
More of this Queen of Isles, I well might Sing,  
And who should Rule it then, but our brave King?  
'tis the World's choicest Gift, and being such,  
As Wonder cannot celebrate too much,  
And You a Wonder too, 'twas therefore fit  
Mean Spirits should yield, and You should Govern it.  
William the Brave, May then Your warlike hand,  
Pluck down all Tyrants, and Preserve this Land,  
From gallic Treachery: May no black Cloud  
Eclipse Your Virtues with a sullen Shrowd.  
May you, as th' Sun in Joshua's time, repeat  
Your lengthened Hours, stand long fixed in Your Seat:  
And when You leave this for a higher Sphere,  
Set here in Peace, and Rise in Glory there.  

An Irish Epigram.  
A Friend that in my Thoughts holds no small room,  
Asking his silly Nose-suck'd Irish Groom, but you  
If he had dressed his Horse? must note  
It was when Horses use to  shed their Coat)  
nile Meister, he replies, Me take a care,  
For dat, lest off, Me cury all de hair.  
How, smiles the well-pleased Owner, This is fine;  
cury his Coat, or I shall cury thine.   

Epigram.  
ONe wondering at an Irish Teig, who spake  
Much nonsense; and did every thing Mistake:  
And tho' he long had lived in th' English Court,  
Was for no business fit, and scarce for Sport.  
The Wonder's not, says one, there's some such Tools,  
But that there's half a Kingdom of such Fools.   
FINIS.