THE CHARACTER OF ITALY: Or, The Italian Anatomised BY An English Chirurgeon.  Dissicile est Saty●am non scribere.— 
LONDON: Printed for Nath. Brooke at the Angel in Cornhill. 1660.   

TO THE READER.  
THat this Epitome should suit with the Grain of all men's Dispositions, is far beyond my expectation; because I am sufficiently sensible that men's minds are as discrepant, as their Physiognomies are various: And it hath been the fate of all Writers that ever appeared in public, (especially under the notion of Satirists) to be attended by some carping Zoilus: But fall back fall edge, I will be armed with a sufficient stock of Patience to undergo the Success of this Publication. I know already, that if some carping Critic light on it, he will cast it aside, and say, these Whimsies are but Ingenii lascivientis flosculi, the superfluous Excrescencies of lasciviating wit. Or probably some Squeamish Zealot, who through Hypocondraick Melancholy, is become a mere Lump of quickened Care, may disgust it; yet the more frollickish Genius, who no doubt is freer from intended mischief then the thoughtful man, will digest it.  
Let not the smallness of the bulk occasion your contempt; for the more vigorous a thing is, the narrower is the circumference that contains it. And it is usually said, The smaller the Volume, the fewer the faults: Some there are undoubtedly, which have either escaped the Printer, or else were occasioned by my own neglect; but my Sanctuary is the hope of your accustomed Candour and Clemency, which may shroud me from any false imputation: However, here you have it as it is; and as a man takes his wife, so must you take this Piece, for better for worse▪ Hear you have my Cruse of Oil, as well as my Bottle of Vinegar; some sweet smelling Flowers, as well as bitter Wormwood: Nor was it my intention in publishing this Pamphlet to bespatter any single person; but, like a Fencer in a public Show, wave my Sword about, aim at all, and hit none; yet the mildeness of the Conclusion will mitigate the severity of the Exordium: And the most natural Italian will be compelled to confess that I end well, though I began ill, and will vouchsafe to give his Plaudite to the Epilogue, though the Prologue displease him.  
Now there is none of the Readers so illiterate, I presume, as to be ignorant of that as true, as ancient Sentence, Finis coronat Opus; which I have taught to speak English thus:  
If the end crown the Work, as th' Proverb says,  
Then a Black-pudding deserves double praise.  
For that hath two ends, and so have I, as well as two parts; the one Vituperatory, and the other Laudatory.  
Reader, peruse it, if thy more weighty Affairs will permit, it is but small, and so will put thee to no great Expense either of Money or Time, and if thou gainest any benefit by the surveighing of it, it will not repent thee of thy perusal. All that I shall say to thee at present, is only this, Be charitable in thy Censure, and so  
Farewell.   

Reader,  
BE pleased to take notice, that there is lately published an excellent Book, Entitled, Adam in Eden: Or, Nature's Paradise, The History of Plants, Fruits, Herbs and Flowers, with their several Names, whether Greek, Latin, or English, the places where they grow, their descriptions and kinds, their times of flourishing and decreasing; as also their several Signatures, Anatomical Proportions, and particular Physical Virtues: Together with necessary Observations on the Seasons of Planting, and gathering of our English Simples, with directions how to preserve them in their Composition, or otherwise. A Piece very useful for Physicians and Chirurgeons.   

THE CHARACTER OF ITALY.  
'TIs a Cisalpine Clod, a Gouty Leg of that Huge Monster the World, a rotten Charnel where the Ganymede's supplant the Layses; a Nest of Lizards, the Merdaille of Nations, and the Excrement of the Earth. 'Tis a Hell, whose Cerberus is a great, old, fat Bear, (the Host of their [Innes] Osteria's I mean, which usually stand alone remote from any village, so that Passengers must rest satisfied with the mean accommodation those Tabernae afford; for he that seems to disgust their feeble Minestra, may chance to meet with nothing at his Departure but an Allegrament for amends: and if you should menace your Host, he will retort with double insolence, knowing that if his Stiletto should decide the Controversy, the next Church is his Asylum, where no Law nor Violence dare attempt him. Pure Saints! that can convert the Church of God into a Den of Thiefs, and make his sacred Mansion a Shrouding-place or Refuge for Assassins and Murderers. Besides, you are in continual fear both at Bed & Board, by reason of those hellish snares they usually lay to irretiate and massacre strangers; so that your delight is entombed in a perpetual horror.  
As for the People, they are an execrable residue of the Goths, the spurious Issue of a salacious Messalina, a mere frippery of Bankrupts; his Bastards that closed the eyelids of centoculated Argus. And since they were once preserved from the invasion of the Gauls by Geese, they merit praise from none but Gozzelings. There are three things that usually deter men from visiting this Country: The first is the horrible Inquisition. The second, the execrable Outrages committed by the Banditoes. The third, those troublesome Bedfellows the Cimici, Fleas in folio, yet so dainty withal, that they will choose their flesh, and cohabit with the fairest skin; nay, which is worse, they are very noisome to the nostrils of him that destroys them. What stout Champion can endure the biting or sting of the Tarantula, that kills with laughter, if not remedied; the consideration thereof is enough to procure death, were there not a hope of resurrection from the cure, viz. Dancing. But there are Arguments almost innumerable of greater solidity and weight, than the praementioned: To instance in a few (because prolixity is inconsistent with a Character) The Milaneze will teach you to be Jugglers; the Bolognois, Liars, the Venetian, Hypocrites; the Neapolitan, will metamorphose you into Satyrs for Lust; the Florentine instructeth in the Artifice of Poison; and Rome implungeth you into an impure Ocean of Idolatry & Superstition.  
But now let us take a Survey of their stately Fabrics and Towns, whose native Pens have exalted them to a higher bulk, than ever their Pikeaxes intended that first dug their foundation.  
And first let us consider Rome, that reputed Mistress of the World, and Metropolis of Italy, whose Encomiums hath devoured more reams of Paper, and drunk up more bottles of Ink, than would repair a decayed Stationer, and we shall find her to be according to their own Proverb: 
Nido di tradimento ove si cova,  
Quanto mal hoggi per ilmondo si trova.  
A Nest of Treason, where more mischief's done,  
Than by all Nations else under the Sun.   
That Rome that now usurps the Name, is but her carcase or sepulchre, her vice being the cause of her ruin; which made Scaliger vent this as bitter as true Jest of her, because the wines of Italy last not long: Urbem illam esse novum ●ncetum pessimum veteris vini optimi; That it was the worst new vinegar of the best old wine: And indeed it is neither founded in suo solo, nor in su● purissimâ & primitiuâ puritate. Once Rome was an Hospital for maimed Soldiers, now a Spittle of diseased Opinions. Her streets of old did shine with triumphing Caesar's and Consuls in their trophaeal Chariots, now they glisten with the bald pates of Baal's Priests, who lackey his Petrified Sanctity riding a Cockhorse on men's shoulders. Heretofore she maintained one of the noblest and greatest Garrisons the world could boast of; now she supports herself by the most abominable Stews that ever the earth bore. Old Rome revenged her Affronts with the point of the Sword, but New Rome steeps her Revenge in a Cup of Poison, which clearly manifests that old Verse no Paradox: 
— Romae  
Omnia cum liceant, non licet esso bonus.  
— At Rome by holy rood,  
All things are lawful, except being good:   
Nay farther hear but what a Character Mantuanus, an Offspring of their own, bestows upon her: 
— Petrique domus polluta fluenti  
Marcescit luxu; nulla hic arcana revelo:  
Sanctus ager Scurris, venerabilis Ara lynoedis  
Servit; honoranda Divum Ganymedibus Aedes.   
Here Simony and Sodomy, like two impudent Sisters, brazen it in public, and no one controls them: As to the former, consider this Satirical Distich: 
Vendit Alexander Claves, Altaria, Christum;  
Vendere jure potest; emerat ipse prius.  As for the latter, our Modern times have furnished us with too too many instances, so that we may sing with the Poet, and have good reason to prompt us to it: 
Nunc caput es sceloris, qui caput orbis eras.  
Thou that wast Mistress of the world,  
Into a Sea of Sin art hurled.   
'Tis a market, where Sins and Pardons are saleable, nay Staple-commodities. A Juggler's Shop, whose Master plays finely at fast and lose with Oaths and Vows. A Mill, where the blind and ignorant Laity grind for the fat Clergy. A Magazine where more Scripture is stored, than ever their Maker inspired. A Church that depraves the Text, and pins their Faith upon other men's sleeves. A Slaughter-house, where the Butchers bring in all sorts of persons, and now and then a Monarch. A woman that hath been a Whore all her youth, and now is turned bawd to Sin. In fine, she's a Monopoly of profaneness, and her Inhabitants wallow in wantonness and impiety.  
This City that is founded upon seven hills, is the residence of of that seven headed Hydra, the Pope, and here he doth tyrannize over his submissive Vassals, far more than ever Nero or Caligula. He must not pass without a Satiric nip, and now I think on't, I could wish my pen were dipped in Lie and Gall, that I might lash him sufficiently: He it is, yet causeth whatsoever he parrot (or if you will have it Anagrammatically) praterlike twattles, to pass for Bullion, and current, though hammered in the impure mint of his own Chymaerical Pericranium, and speaks freely whatsoever he thinks without contradictions, so that his Ipse dixit will countervail, and overbalance all the Ergoes in the World: His tongue is confited in Pepper, and hath pierced the sides of Christendom more shrewdly than ever Mahomet's Sword did: He it is, with his Complices, that maintain Error to get them a maintenance; He dethrones the Deity, and deifies wood and stone; yet he is there Deus in Terris, The Dagon which they have set up; the Idol which they adore, whose indulgences make his Kitehin smoke, by the help of his coadjutars the Jesuits, that fetch him fuel from most parts in Christendom. There is no such Pickpurse under the Heavens as his fictitious Purgatory; and could men's consciences be as throughly purged as their purses, they would excel the Angels themselves in purity. Another trick he hath that helps him to hill up his fatal riches, and that is the Papal Necromancy, or singing and praying for the dead, which doth so flux the pocket, that contrary to the current of all Philosophy, it makes them cry out, Datur vacuum. He it is that plays the Chirurgeon, and his Clergymen are the Apothecaries, that exhibit so many Purges and Clysters to the poor ignorant people, blinded with preposterous zeal, that their purses at length cannot hold out longer, but give up the ghost. Not a day passeth, but they extract fresh Silver (rare Ecclesiastical Chemists) from the hot furnace of their Purgatory: And when they find that [Silver] Luna shines upon any person with her silver rays, then is the time of singing Mass, and praying for the delivery of Souls; Not a door, wicket, or window in Purgatory, but 'tis then open, that Souls may have as free a passage, and swarm forth as thick as Gnats in August. Pretty devices to engross and monopolise all the wealth to themselves: But you know the old Proverb, Malè parta, malè dilabuntur; Badly come, badly go: witness Alexander the Sixth, who during his Chairship scraped together so much wealth, that his son Caesar Borgia losing 100000 Crowns one night at Dice, broke out into this expression, Germanorum tantum haec peccata sunt: These are only the Sins of the Germans; so that 'tis evident what the Father gathered together with a Rake, the Son spread abroad with a Fork: So that sordid Lucre and Gain is practised by the Clergy, and those of the higher, as well as of the lower sphere: nor can there be perpetrated a Crime, how heinous soever it be, but it falls within the compass of a remedy from his Dispensations, provided the Lady Pecunia be your Suada or Oratress, verifying that old saying, Dulcis odor Lucri ex re qualibet. Take this story for instance: Lubin comes from Bresse to Rome and was entreated by Friar Zeno, to beg his pardon of the Pope for having gelt his Ass: Lubin obtained it, who being returned, he demanded whether he had done him the prementioned favour; Yes replies he, and to be real with thee, without any farther diffimulation, for a few more Julio's there had been a permission for thee to marry thy Ass, if thou hadst had any fancy or affection to a fourfooted Bedfellow. Had Castlehaven been a Catholic, he had kept his head upon his shoulders, and not have been executed for his lechery. 'Twas an excellent quip bestowed on a Pope by a Painter, who had made the face in the Effigies of Saint Peter and Saint Paul, somewhat more red than ordinary; and being demanded the reason, he replied as tartly as suddenly, That they blushed to see the wicked lives of their pretended Successors. And though I hold it profane ludere cum sacris, yet I judge it recreative jocari cum fabulis; and if the Consistory of Cardinals should seem to be offended with me, if they chance to light upon this piece, I will bid them reflect upon themselves, and blame the accursed pen of that more accursed Author of the Pruril Asinus, who hath turned the sacred pages into scurvy Jests, and not only abused them that God hath created Gods on earth, but even the Deity itself: If it were possible for the Devil to swive a Witch, their mutual copulation could not produce such a horrid Monstar, as the Author of those Queries. Whereas were a man disposed to sport with the holy Writ, he might pick jest out of every verse in the Bible against the Pope, and his Romish Superstition: Take a moderate one for instance, by way of Question and Answer: It is demanded why St. Peter Wept after his denial of Christ? Answer. Not for his own fault, but because his prophetic Soul foresaw, that his illegitimate successors should confess the name, but deny the nature of our Saviour, taking him in as it were at the gate, and thrusting him out at the back door: nor indeed can any person qui vel unciolam sane mentis habeat, that can lay claim but to a scruple of rationality, but affirm, that the Pope doth imitate St. Peter in nothing but his denial. I was about to insert here an old latin sentence, though somewhat harsh, and no Ciceronian style (not but that I durst because I am manumitted from the rigour of the Ferula) but lest his Holiness ●hould meet with this piece, and in a holy indignation tear it, and carry it to the House of ease, and so it should scortigare sedem Apostolicam, blister his Apostolic Seat; to prevent which distemper, lest that blister might turn to a disease called the Pyles, incident to the Anus, charity commanded me to omit it. 'Tis worth your observation, that the Popes do usually arrogate to themselves the names of those Virtues for Surnames, which they are most averse from; as Pius, Benedictus, Clemens, and the like; when as their whole life is but a continued series of villainy and barbarism: So that they have made themselves a Ludibrium to all neighbouring Nations. The Jews laugh at this Ecclesiastical Sultan, and his Sanhedrim of Cardinals, and scoff at his golden Legend, and well may it be termed so (not for the purity of the substance, but for the  heaps of wealth that those forgeries rake into his Treasury:) who can but smile at their tales of St. Francis of Hobgoblins walking in Churchyards, and of St. Anthony's being in two places at one time: I know a Gentleman of that name that would give much to be endowed with that property, for his soul is divided between two Wenches; now were he thus qualified, he might enjoy them both at one and the same time. Nor hath the Pope been withstood by those of a contrary opinion only, but even by those that are of his own brood, and dedicated to the same Superstition; for the City of Venice stood it out against Pope Paul the fifth, for the privilege of her Political Government; And the King of France after that grand clash between Philipe le Bel; and Boniface wrote to him very resolutely in these words; Que ta tresgrande sottise scache; Let your monstrous sottishness or simplicity understand, that we are subject to none but God; and utterly disown your Supremacy over us. But I presume we have sat long enough in the Porphyry Chair: And since the Air of Rome is so contagious and unhealthful that it wants a Clyster; besides, all the ink in my pen cannot cure the letters and ringworms of the Popedom, we will leave them, and travel to Naples, which according to their own Proverb is, Un Paradiso piantato da Diavoli, a Paradise peopled with Devils, so pleasant is the place, and so vicious the inhabitant: Here Bacchus hath his inner Cellar, and Veus exerciseth her curtain abominations: for it hath been observed that in Naples at one time there have been registered 30000 Courtizano's; that for paying some small tribute to the Pope, have had a dispensation to play at Stretch-crupper, Whipper-ginny, Tick-tack, In and In, and such unlawful Games as these, cum privilegio.  
Jusque datum sceleri canimus, saith the Poet: which may very well be appropriated to this Kingdom. 'Tis a place extremely populous and consequently vicious, so that he that desires to lead a retired life, must not pitch his tents here: for as their gardens are filled with Oranges, so their Houses want not their Lemons. 'Tis a Maxim here, that Bawdy-houses are to be tolerated in all their quarters, and 'tis ranked in the number of Professions, for the profit that accrues to his Holiness thereby is considerable, so that the true Campus Veneris is now found, where the Campus Martius stood before. 'Tis confessed that she swarms with Nobility, which are seen to troth about all day long, as fast as Pease boiling in a pot, but of such slender Estates, that according to Aretine's Observation, three Marquesses were found at once eating Figs off of one tree to keep them from starving: they are swelled and puffed up with large Titles, but their Acres are but few, & their substance small. Here it was that the Morbus Gallicus, as 'tis vulgarly termed, though more genuinely Scabies Neapolitana, was first known in Christendom.  
As for the Inhabitant, he is according to the quality of the Soil, of a fiery boiling temper, which causeth the Spaniard to ride him with a Bit and a Martingal; and he hath as many Windmills in his brain, and quicksands in his breast, as the French, or any other Nation, witness those various Innovations: for in two years, she had no less than five Kings, and those fetched out of several Countries, in so much that you shall hardly read in any History that ever any political Instrument was so often out of tune, having known popular revolutions in less than four hundred years, and that of Masaniello was the last and most violent, like a candle burning at both ends, so that you would judge the people to be so much distracted, as if they had been stung by a worse Reptile than a Parantula. IT was strange that this poor inconsiderable Fisherman, with a small handful of boys armed only with fury and a baston, should be such a nine days wonder, and during that interval of time should ride the proud Neapolitan Courser and snaffle him, till he foamed at the mouth, their Nobility lay then dormant: and this same redounds very much to the disparagement of the Neapolitan Signiors. But to pass by this, they are born in a Luxurious Country, and they are taken to be the greatest Embracers of pleasure, and Courtiers of Ladies, and the most indulgent to themselves of any other nation whatsoever: insomuch that no command from the King, can force a Neapolitan Gentleman to march upon any design for three months in Summer till the extremity of the heat be over; Lecherous they are beyond measure, witness the Accusation of Duke Offura Viceroy of Naples, after he was Italianated.  
The fifth Article exhibited against him, was: That he entertained the Marchiones de Campolatero publicly, as his Concubine, to accomplish which design, he accustomed to send the Marquis her Husband upon remote employments.  
The eighth was, He committed Rapes upon many young Maids and Virgins, and bored a Woman at the very Altar, and had to do with another in the Chancel of St. Mary's Church, O horrible! Convert the Church into a Charnel house?  
Ninth, He frequented Nunneries, not out of devotion, but for recreation, or more significantly procreation, our of profane and sacrilegious ends.  
Tenth, He made a feast of flesh upon Maundy Thursday, contrary to the Canons to their Holy Mother the Church, and was never observed to keep fasting, but feasting days always.  
Eleventh, He made other feasts for some of the Principal Courtisanos' of Naples, & that in Don Pedro de Toledo's garden, whom he compelled to confess with how many Clergymen they had traded, and commanded an Inventory of their names to be taken immediately. Blessed saints! that disapprove of lawful matrimony, but approve of unlawful meretricious actions: it grieves them to see such pure Nun's flesh, as they do sometimes, barrelled up in penitential pickle, yet for all the pretended strictness of their Religion, they can break a Lent to seed upon them.  
Twelfth, He would often ride abroad in the Coach with Juana Maria a Lady of pleasure, that was as common as a Barber's Chair, no sooner one was out, but another was in.  
Thirteenth, He had always in his House a Morisco slave, on whom he begat a Bastard, and suffered him to be educated in the Mahometan Superstition, and after his decease was entombed according to the Turkish Rites and Ceremonies.  
Twentieth, He did innumerable other acts of obscenity and wantonness, as inviting the fairest Concubines into his garden, where he had provided as sumptuous as luscious a Banquet for them, after which he commanded them to strip themselves stark naked (where 'tis to be observed he had a fancy to see the naked truth) whilst he with a hollow trunk, shut confits at their naked bodies, which they were to take up standing upon their high Chiappins.  
Twenty one, He caused a Barber to strip himself stark naked, and shave his Duchess' quoth add ha●e, she being likewise naked, and he all the while standing by with a great knife in his hand to cut off his privities, if he found any motion in them all the while: a wretched fellow, and egregious Coxcomb, who deserved to wear a pair of horns that should reach from one end of Naples to the other, and that not a condign punishment for his crime.  
O old Rome! All thy Floralia, wanton Feasts and Games, come far short of those of thy modern issue: no Pagan, Turk, Jew, nor Heathen, (nay, I'll be loath to say, Hell itself never entertained such a Smell-smock, such a Linnen-lifter, as this salacious he-goat, this wanton satire, Duke Ossuna. But lest this discourse should be unwelcome to the chaste ears of the Reader, we'll turn our discourse to a more pleasing subject; And begin with the Peasant, who though he passeth all the week in drudgery and servility, yet is so puffed up with vain glory and pride, that on Sunday and holidays, he will be sure to have his body well clothed, though his belly want furnishing; and his Wife, that works day and night for a hungry living, will be so pranked up, that if you were unacquainted with the fantastic humour of this mimical people, you would mistake this Joan, for some Lady of repute, and honour in the country: And indeed they are all so highly conceited of their deferts, from the Cedar to the shrub, with their imaginary Revenues, and the Chimeras that they hatch in their brains of their own dignity and Grandeza, that there is not one of them but will speak thousands, rather than betray their indigency: One will sit at his door picking his teeth, and condemning the Capon he eat last, when alas poor despicable wretch! His throat is an absolute stranger to such dainty Viands; for a dried morsel of bread, hoary and crusted with a second bark, whose leathered outside would not court a dog armed with the edge of appetite, to eat it, would be adainty bit to cram his empty gorge. Another will beg in this method: First he looks to see whether the coast be clear, before he will utter one Suppliant syllable, and then he approaches with such submissiveness, as a slave useth to his Patron; yet if any chance to glance that way with his eye, immediately he retreats to familiarity, pressing the justness of his demands, till he squeezes your Alms; which if it be a penny, or some such inconsiderable sum (as they judge so small a piece to be) he throws it contemptibly in the donors' face; but soon after peaceably looks for it, finds it, and hath the grace to say an Ave Maria, or a Pater Noster for the Benefactor. But now I think we have breathed the Neapolitan Courser sufficiently, let us turn our Bridle, and travel to Venice; which is taken to be no other than a Boat, that some Castle doth embark by the Magic Laws of Urgandus, when he would have sailed to great Albion to visit Amadis, as he did in times of the year: and 'tis observable, that the world never produced such unheard of Machiavilian Devices to surprise an Enemy unawares, as the Venetian hath been Author of: for here you may see a Pocket Church-book, with a Pistol hid in the binding, which turning to such a page, discharges a plot to ensnare him to whom they bear a prejudice, whilst at his Devotion, when there is least suspicion: Execrable wretches! that make God's Word the Cloak to palliate all their Villainies and Murders.  
Another of their infernal Inventions is a pocket Stone-bow, which carried under a Cloak, dischargeth Needles with such violence, that it pierceth through a man's body and leaves a wound, whose Orifice is scarcely discernible by the most Eagle-eyed Chirurgeon.  
A third, a Walking-staff in appearance, at the top whereof is a spring, which grasped hard, at the end jets forth a Rapier with force enough to kill a man at a yards distance.  
A fourth is a Gun, to be discharged with wind, which for six paces fails not of execution, with little or no report. And give me leave to add a fifth Knack of theirs, which is their Bergamasque hanging up in the third Chamber of the Grand Dogues Gallery; being an Invention to lock up female frailty; an irrefragable Argument of the Italian Jealousy, with which inhuman constraint they do so persecute and prosecute their Consorts back and belly, and so cramp them hip and thigh, that if a poor despicable Crab-louse should chance to be cloistered up within these ferraments, he hath not room to breath, and what would become of the poor Flea should it be his fate to be thus confined? I presume he could not take his frollikish Lavaltors. This Enginery of theirs manifests that they have a care of the hinder, not the forepart, altogether insensible of that old saying, Felix quem faciunt aliorum cornua cautum: Surely those men happy are, Whom others Horns make to beware.  
Yet I dare be bold to say, notwithstanding this rigid confinement, that no women of what nation soever, do oftener turn their Husbands back out of the primer into the Hornbook, or so often dub them Knights of Actaeon's order. As for the Venetian Ladies, when their stature is promoted by the artifice of their Chiappines, they look like walking Maypoles: And their failings or fall in the manner  (for they are most of them she-Astrologers, and love to lie on their backs, contemplating on the Heavens, remembering what the Turks say, when they celebrate their nuptials, Look upon the Stars, consider their number, and let that be an argument to induce you to multiply:) 'Tis to be imputed to the too too much rigour of their Consorts, and Parents: for the proof whereof let his ensuing Story satisfy you, taken out of their own Annals, and that of no meaner a person then the female issue of one of their gowned and grave Senators, who being cabled up by her Father from humane sight, and confined to the narrow round of a Chamber (than which no thing thwarts the grain of female disposition more; for they love to indulge their Genius, and have the swinge of their natural fancy) had a prodigious birth by her over-familiar Playfellow, her Dog. To this se●ious Historical truth, give me leave to add a pretty story of an ingenious servant to a more ingenious Master, and that one of the Venetian Grandees; no other than the Magnificentissime Figlivolo di san Mario, who when his wife was sick, and the Physician was to cast her water, was at a loss for a term to bid her make water, that might both suit with his dignity, and please her fine ears that were absolute strangers to such a foul word, as pissing: The Grand Dogue being somewhat troubled, and wanting a Dictionary to furnish him with a word; his man reading his distemper in his face, desired to be made sensible of the source of this his distemper, (for it was water that caused it) his Master to be rid of his importunate servant, not expecting any satisfaction from his tattle or endeavours, discloses the business to him; which after he had done, he assures him that he would take it upon him, and find out a way to express his mind by circumlocution, to signify pissing; which was thus: He boldly accosts his Lady with the Urinal in his hand, saying, Chara Signora, fate quello che fate dinanzi all cacare. I beseech you, Madam, do that you use to do immediately before you sh— Pardon me Reader, if I offend thy nostrils with this unsavoury discourse, for I have it only by tradition, and you receive it from me, as I read it, so that it is the more excusable, especially in this Characteristical Treatise; But lest we should too too much presume upon your modesty, we will leave Venice with this unsavoury discourse, and come to Milan.  
That reputed Nursery of the Muses, and Supportatrix of all Arts and Sciences: and here we must consider their gowned Gentry, which are so horribly debauched, that we may safely say they study over the Bottle more than Aristotle, and mind their Plate more than their Plato, so much are they devoted to Bacchus, that they could be content to turn Cyniques, so that with Diogenes they might dwell in the cask when the wine is exhausted, and live by the sent of that wainscored room for the future, nor would they desire any other Tomb, than the Barrel; or at least they could willingly entreat the Gods condemn them to such a death, as the Duke of Clarence had, viz. to be drowned in a But of Malmsey All the Rhetoric they study, is to persuade the Vintner to credit them till the revolution of the Grand Philosophical year; nor do they imagine any Figure comparable to that of Synecdoche, to pay part for the whole. To drink beyond measure among them, is the highest of Sciences; falling backward is their stargazing; They delight in no music, but the sweet harmony of Good-fellowship, with now and then a discord. Wine is their Grammar; Sobriety a mere Solaecism, and to study before the Pericranium is elevated, is a preposterous heusteron proteron. And when they stand in need of a Physician, a Receipt of full Cups (in their opinion) is the best Vomit; and forgetting of Debts, is their only Art of Memory. They are Copernicans, and explode all ancient and modern Philosophy, adhering solely to his Tenets; for they love to deal roundly with the world, because they are never so well learned, as when their heads run round: And thus could I expatiate upon their Encyclopaedia of Sciences, but that I fear in the description of this Circulation, I should prove eccentrique, and draw too long a line from the centre of my intentions: But that which is more heinous, is, that Murder is so far from being counted a Venial Sin, that it is no Crime at all, as it should appear by their neglect in executing the Offenders. Their mode is here, to go armed with a pair of Pistols, and a Stiletto by their sides▪ 'Tis strange, methinks, to see Minerva so closely linked to Mars, to find Students in such a Warlike posture: This custom they say, proceeds from some old inbred Dissension between the Vicentines and the Brescians; which two contrary parties do so fill the streets with slaughter, that no man can walk securely at night for fear of their Chi va la: And which is a more notorious sign of their Barbarism, on the illars of the Porch or Arches, that run before the House of this City, one may discern where Bullets have passed; nay, so trivial a business is Homicide among them, that if at any time they are destitute of a Body for the Anatomical Lecture, they make it a business of small consequence to kill a poor Fachin or Cobbler, to exercise upon him by Dissection, which proves that Simile of Learning to Scanderbeg's Sword, it either does much good or much hurt: for indeed according to the School Axiom, Corruptio optimi est pessimae, The best Wine makes the sharpest Vinegar; and good wits once depraved, usually sail into an Ocean of Debauchery: And such are they that have brought an odium upon Minerva's followers. But we will leave them and their Extravagancies, and strike toward Genoa.  
Of which place 'tis proverbially said, That they have Mountains without wood, Sea without fish, Women without shame, and Men without Conscience: and it is apparent that their haughtiness hath given occasion to those that are least critical to term it Genoa the proud. As to the nature and disposition of the Inhabitant, he is as lofty as his Building, so proud and gallant in his garb, that 'tis reported by those that have been so unhappy as to travel there, that the first night of their arrival into this place, a company of Fiddlers ('tis a favour to call them so too) come to bid them Welcome with their music: but with so stately a Prologue, and so grave an Apology for themselves, that all the Gentlemen-strangers withdrew from their Seats, and began to salute them, imagining them no less than Magistrates, or persons of the highest degree. So that a Stranger may soon be deceived, as to their education, if unacquainted with their bladdered insolency. The most dunghill spirit of them all is swelled with the tympany of Pride: Who could ever imagine that such inconsiderable fellows as they, that blow away their days in mirth, only to procure a mean livelihood, that are slaves to all company, should be so ambitious, as to  their drossy bodies in such noble array: well may it be said, that the bark is better than the tree, the external show and pomp, than the internal substance and solidity. They are all attired a like, somewhat tending to the Spanish mode, and of so haughty a spirit, that they will hardly condescend so far below themselves, as to be associates for strangers. Alphonso king of Arragon was often heard to have this expression proceed from him Rex illiteratus est Asinus coronatus; An illiterate Prince, is but an Ass crowned. But the Genuesian Lady was of an opinion diametrically opposite unto it: so much did she affect the prick of zeal, had the impudence to affirm publicly, Penna non facit hominem, sed Penis: Not the Pen but the P— qualifies a person: Can any one imagine a Faustina so lecherous as to belch forth such an expression, as hath recorded her for a Lady of pleasure; so strange it is that it would even stagger the faith of a Solifidian to believe it, were it not inserted in their own Annals, and nothing can carry a stronger condemnation with it, than what proceeds from their own mouths. But we will quit this obscene discourse, and place it to Florence, to see what matter may be found there conducing to the perfecting of this Character.  
And we shall find that for curious illegal tricks of Poison, they are damnably wicked beyond all comparison. No Nation in the world so vindicative as they: They will poison with the smoke of a Candle, the smell of a Candle, or indeed any way imaginable; some of their poisons are mortal by smelling, others given now, may operate many months after; nay, 'tis almost impossible to think that the depraved wit of man should ever machinate such damnable Devices for their mutual destruction, unless they had received assistance from Hell. Some of them will attempt to poison whole Rivers, and not fail of their design, if they can find out the source. And even to this day at Milan there stands a pillar that doth stigmatize them, called Colonna Infantae, raised where a Magician's house was pulled down, who for a time poisoned all the Rivers belonging to the City; which stands still as an everlasting monument of perpetual Infamy to them and their Heirs for ever. But lest we should be too much stung with this infectious discourse, we will leave it, and seek for an Antidote in Sicily; but I fear the remedy will prove worse than the Disease. 'Tis a Proverb that bears as much truth as antiquity in the front of it. Omnes Insulanos esse malos, pessimis verò Siculos. All Islanders are bad, but the Sicilians are worst of all. They are very inconstant, and wavering like a Weathercock, and you may as soon cut out a Kirtle for the Moon, as dissuade them from their volatile humour; so that hence arose the Proverb, Gerra Sicula: Sicilian prittleprattle, according to the pretty tattle of our infancy: Besides, they are of a very envious, suspicious, and destructive temper, uncapable of receiving an injury, and furiously vehement in the pursuit of revenge, as appears by that great and inhuman massacre they made of the French, known by the infamous name of Vesperi Siculi, where an infinite number of French were most barbarously butchered at the sound of a Bell: An irrefragable Argument of their prepensed malice, that would not allow them a sufficient time time for Repentance. Pluto is deeply engaged to the Sicilian, and the Milaneze, for their true and faithful vassalage unto him; for it seems by all History, that it is their sole design to people his dominion, and add as many slaves to his infernal Sceptre as possibly they can. You have had an instance in the Sicilian, 'tis pity you should want one of the hellish Milaneze, who meeting a quondam friend of his in a place convenient for his barbarous design, and bearing him some grudge, through the rancour of his spirit for some former, only supposed injury offered unto him, set a knife to his throat, and bid him abjure God, or he would make him sup with Pluto that very night, or if you will have it more plainly expressed, murder him, which the man attended with human frailty, (as all are,) and somewhat terrified at the name of death 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, as the Philosopher calls it, did; which after he had thrice done, he dispatcled him, and like an insulting Hellhound immediately after this execrable murder triumphed, saying, That he had sent both soul and body to Hell with one fatal blow: Such unheard of inhumanity, what History can parallel? No nation under the Sun, in my judgement can be so diabolical: But let us commit them, and all their actions to their Master, bellowing Belzeebub, who beyond all controvery will in time pay them their wages.  
Now let us in general descant upon their Vices, and visit first of all the Sun-baked Peasant in his rough-hewn-cottage, and we shall find that he lives a drudging slavish life, liable to all Gabels, Taxes, and Impositions from Superior Authority, in so much that 'tis proverbially said: The Rich Men of Italy are the richest, and the Poor men the poorest in the World. Excellent men they are, said once an Hispaniolized Italian, but for these three things. In their lusts they are unnatural, in their malice unappeasable, and in their actions deceitful: To which let me add a fourth, and a fifth; They will blaspheme sooner than swear, and murder sooner than scandalise a person. 'Tis also an ancient Proverb of the people of Mazara, That they did build as if they should live ever, and cram themselves, as if they intended to live no longer: mere Epicures, that made this old Verse their Motto: 
Lude, bibas, & edas; post mortem nulla voluptas.  
Eat, drink, and play at leisure;  
For after death 's no pleasure.  Besides, so contagious is this Nation, that if a stranger begin once to fancy the place, ten thousand to one if it change not his inclination: 'Tis a Paradox to me, that the change of Air should have so great an influence on the mind and constitution of man, were it not verified by several examples: Take this for one: A Germane Bishop was so taken with their delicious Wine that grows about Monte Fiascone, that he sent his servant to all the Taverns thereabout to find out the best, and where he found it, to write over the door Est, Est; of which liquor he sucked so much, and made a Tun of his Belly, Germane like, that he swum to the other world through an ocean of Wine: he was interred in Favonia's Church, and being a Clergy man, 'tis pity his Tombstone should want an Epitaph, and his memory consume with the ashes in his Urn, wherefore his servant made this ingenious Epitaph: Propter est, est, Dominus meus mortuus est: a Conceit no less facetious than quipping; nay, 'tis a Proverb of their own, Tudesco Italianato e un Diavolo incarnato: An Italianated German is a Devil incarnal. 'Tis taken pro confesso, that they have no less than twenty species of these intoxicating liquors to please the gusto at first, but carry their sting in their tails, fume up into the head, that though they are not immediately distempered, yet there is by their epotation laid the seed of all future maladies, that break to their ensuing destruction: The most delicious of all, which is their Ethnique Nectar, though they are so horribly blasphemous, as to term it in a Christian phrase, Lachrymae Christi; which made one that had tasted, break out into this extravagant passion, O Domine! cur non lachrymisti in terris nostris? O Lord! why didst thou not weep in our Country? That they are ambitious is apparent, for among the Vieentines 'tis an usual Title for a Gentleman to be styled Signior Conte, which is equivalent to My Lord with us: before they merit the degree of Knighthood, they must be Lorded. Not a Pedlar among them known under the title of Vuestra Signora; And for the Nobility, so mean they are, that according to their own Assertion (for I will bang them with their own weapons) I Marchesi di Cova, I Conti di Piacenza, I Cavaglieri di Bologna: The Marquises of Ceva, the Lords of Piacenza, and the Cavaliers, or Gentlemen of Bologna are grown poor, even to a Proverb.  
'Tis generally reported, that those of Crema are deceitful, those of Venice insolent, the Genuesian proud, and the Paelnvinian lecherous: as for their women it is grown to a Proverb among them, That they are Magpies at the door, Saints in the Church, Goats in the Garden, Devils in the House, Angels in the Street, and Sirens at the window; Besides 'tis an ●sual expression among them Let God make them tall and fall, (for the title of a comely woman is much prized among them) and they will make themselves fair enough: But enough of that, their very Towns have by their judicious Godfathers been baptised with names suitable to the nature of the inhabitants, as Genoa the proud, Pistora the barbarous, Perugia the bloody, babbling Sienna, and Furli the fantastic or wanton: They are all in general a heap of Fiddlers, for you can scarce pass a street, but you shall hear them rudely jarring, without stops, or time, and with reverence to Ge, Sol, Re, Ut, be it spoken, this harmony is made up of so much discord, that you would imagine it afar off to be a Consort of Jackanapes' squeaking in rutting time. Yet I will not say they are ignoble, but they are the corrupters of nobility: nor that they are illiterate, but the perverters of Learning: Martial and Juvenal amongst them were famous, yet they were both obscene: Persius foolishly affected obscurity, and would appear in public like an unintelligible Ass. Virgil himself sucked all his Poetic honey from the Hives of Homer, Theocritus, and other Greek Poets: And how much they reward the Learned will appear by that fate of Philelphus the most accomplished person of his time, whose surviving friends were compelled to sell his Library at Bologna, to defray the charges of his Funeral; so little do they mind or regard their Learned, though men of the most acute wit, and piercing understanding, persons that might take the right hand of Aristotle in the Vatican; 'tis a brand to the whole Nation upon record, that will never be consumed by the iron teeth of Time, or huried in the grave of Oblivion, that they that are such great pretenders to Learning, and such adorers of Ingenuity, as they would fain induce the world to believe them, should be of such a mechanic, base, ignoble, dunghill spirit, as not to defray his Funeral Charges at the public Cost, but to make sail of his Books to that purpose: the consideration hereof were enough to dissuade Posterity from study, and disencourage men hereafter from sweeting in the pursuit of Learning, when their dead bodies shall not have decent Christian Burial, though they promote the good and interest of the Republic wherein they live, by their indefatigable pains and industry, if their Coffers be not well lined, and they able to leave behind them mountains of Gold, as well as the immortal Monuments of Wisdom. Besides, how do they encourage ingenious persons, though they have the affluence of all the goods of fortune? Pope Pius the Second who was indebted to the Muses for his fortune and preferment, when he came to the Popedom, being presented with several poetical pieces, returned them this Dystych, in lieu of a recompensation. 
Pro numeris numeros a me sperate Poetae,  
Carminaque est animus reddere, non emere.  
Numbers for Numbers, you receive from me,  
I do return, and not buy Poetry.  And though for ostentation, and an outward show of learning, they may strike high with those of their own stamp, yet if you respect the substance or solidity of learning, you shall find but little among them; Muretus will inform you as much, In mediâ Italiâ (saith he) in medio Latio, in mediâ Greciâ, vix centesimum quemque invenias, qui Latin aut Graecè loqui sciat: In the middle of Italy, Latium, or Greece, you shall scarce find one in a hundred that can understand either the Greek or Latin tongue. But you may be confident, they are so well trained up in the School of Venery, that there is scarce a Peasant among them, but hath Ovid's Epistles more perfect than their Pater Noster; and can recount unto you how many obscene postures there are in Aretine more readily than the number of the Commandments in the Decalogue. Nay, many of their Popes, those Princes of the Christian Commonwealth (as they are termed) are so illiterate, that they deserve not to have the preferment of Servitors under an ingenious Junior Sophister; a poor Freshman in the University that scarce knows how many Colleges there are in Cambridge, would puzzle, if not put them to a nonplus with a Syllogism in Celarent. Paul the second, who succeeded Aeneas in the Popedom, had a wicked design to demolish all Literature, and to extirpate all the Learned out of the Land, esteeming all Students and Philosophers not other than Heretics and Magicians; And 'tis grown into a Proverb among them, concerning those that Commence among them, and travel thither on purpose to be refined and bettered in learning, Nos accipimus pecuniam, & mittimus Asinos in Germaniam: We receive Money from you Germans, and send you a company of Asses in requital. This manifests the tender Conscience of his Sanctity, which it seems is so large, that Cromwell when he was alive, with all his Teem of Committee-men might be Canonised by him; nay, I'll be bold to say it is so large, that a Country Wagon and six horses might easily turn there; nay, they have entered such villains into the Catalogue of Saints, that a Red-coat of their own (a Cardinal I mean) used to say, Novihi Sancti de veteribus mihi dubium movent: These new Saints of theirs, makes me begin to doubt of the old. And as the place of his Residence was first founded by Fugitives, Slaves, Thiefs and Robbers, and afterwards huddled up into an Empire variis & magnis latrociniis, by divers great Robberies, gained by oppression, rapine, and tyranny, so she may still be said to be a Harpy, and to cheat almost all the Christian world with hermercenary Pardons, Bulls, and Indulgences: what forceth them to bestow such bitter invectives, and scandalous Titles upon us, but only because we endeavour to pull down their pride and ambition, to deprive them of their external pomp and vanity? Nor had Luther ever been branded with the name of Apostate, had he still adhered to their fond and Apish Superstition: But what think you was the chiefest cause? No other but this, because he took the Pope's Mitre off of his head, and pulled down the Monk's bellies; down stomach, down, you had ne'er been so high said, nor had such good Commons, if he had been your Sewer: he was resolved to prescribe you a good, though mean Diet, and so keep you still in health, whereas now you gorge yourselves with variety of delicate Viands, so unmeasurably, that you may be said to be animalia propter convivianata, brute beasts calved only to put in and put out. You are greatly devoted to the Goddess Cloacina, and the God Stercutius, and grand Benefactors to T— T— the Scavenger. Now Reader, take this ensuing Story for an Argument and Proof of their gluttony and excess, though it be quite contrary to their function, who ought to check and curb their sensual appetites, yet they do the quite contrary: It is chronicled of one of our Kings, that having been hunting with some of his Nobles a considerable time, and somewhat tired at the sport, strayed from the Game, and finding his thirst to be great, and his stomach to have struck twelve, resolved to make to the next house to refresh himself with some Victuals or other that the place could afford; which happened to be a Monastery, whereinto he enters, calls for the Abbot, & desireshim to give him the accommodation of the house how mean soever it were; he looking steadfastly on him, soon discerned by his countenance that he was some person of quality, wherefore he presented him with a piece of Roast Beef, a Capon, and some other Joints of Meat, making a large Apology withal for the meanness of the Fare, assuring him it was prater solitum for them to be so poorly furnished: The King fell too't, for he had a coming stomach, and plied it tooth and nail, withal admiring that the Monastery should be accustomed to such variety, imagining before they had lived very penuriously, according to their profession; then he ruminated on the Abbot's excuse, which possessed him with a conceit that they used to feed upon more dainty Cates: and that that moved him to this opinion most of all, was the Abbot's saying, Lord Sir, I do very much admire how you can feed so hearty upon such homely meat; I could not eat of such mean fare, I promise you: The King returned him no answer till he was satisfied, but then he gave him very many thanks for his noble Entertainment, and so took his leave of him and departed, resolving to make them change their diet, and not cram themselves like Capons that are to be killed; and with these thoughts he passed away the time till he met with his Attendants, who were all very much astonished at his long absence, but he gave them no account at all of what had passed; but the next day sent a Messenger with a command to bring the Abbot before him, which accordingly was executed, and he appeared: The King began to relate unto him the whole story, and how that he was the person he mistook for the Country Gentleman, withal checking him for his luxury, promising that he would make him feed on roast Beef ere he had done, and say it was excellent good fare too, and so commanded him to be taken into custody, and be secured in the Tower; which accordingly was done, and he to remain there the space of three days without any natural sustenance; at the end of the third day the King sends to know, whether or no Beef would go down yet: O Sir, replied the Abbot, Roast Beef or any thing, Roast Beef or any thing; so according to the King's order, a piece of a cold Loin of Beef was sent him, upon which he fed very hearty; which the King hearing, he immediately Knighted that Joint of Meat, so that is called A Sir-loin to this very day. His Majesty it seems was resolved to allow him but little diet, till he heard that his nice curiosity had left him; 'twas too gross and heavy meat for his squeamish stomach, during his residence in the Monastery, but when transplanted from thence to the Tower, 'twas the best piece of meat that ever he exercised his teeth upon. But we must not hit him in the teeth too much with it, therefore we'll proceed to another story of the sordid Covetousness of a fat bellied Popish Priest among them: there was an old Sibyl, one Goody Tully by name, who had saddled her prognosticating Nose with a pair of Amsterdams' Spectacles, at this very time 60 years, & better; this old Adage knowing that ere long she should be one of Proserpina's fold, began to consider her end, and resolved to make her last Will and Testament, her householdstuff was but little and mean, for she had nothing but a pot, a stool, a bed, and a candlestick, besides a vexatious Hen that played such mischievous tricks, as fretted the old woman to the soul, and fo●c'd her to these passionate expressions oftentimes Pox take thee, The devil take thee; But she being, as I told you, ready to expire, did in her Will bequeath this Hen to the Priest, which he, as soon as he heard of, before the old woman's death, came and fetched away; which being related to her, she played the wag upon her deathbed, and cried, I have bid the Pox take her, and the Devil take her several times, but 'twas to no purpose; but I bid the Priest take her but once, and he hath fetched her from me; nay, without doubt if he can get any thing once within his clutches, you may as soon persuade a Genevan to turn Jesuit, as to talk it out of him: There is no redemption from hell, they say, nor is there a possibility of recovering any thing from these hellish Priests, when once in their own possession, they are extraordinary good at Holdfast, and will as soon lay hold of a promise, as any men upon the earth. These are their pious souls, devout devils, they are appointed to exorcise evil spirits, and they had need be cast out themselves.  
But we shall not yet quite cast them out of mind, for we must ha●t●other bout with them, and manifest their simplicity to be as great, as their irreligion is hateful, and that thus: A certain Friar being on Pilgrimage to some of their Saints, or Ladies, ('tis no matter which of them) being somewhat wearied with his hard travel, took up a Lodging for his little youth and himself for that night, resolving there to pitch his tents, and to walk no farther till the next morning. It seems in the night he was troubled with a dream that did disturb him much more awake than asleep, which he must communicate to his Boy (he was a wise man the while you must imagine) and it was this: That he dreamt he was kissing his own Breech, (and that is the way to break his own neck all the world knows) so calling his little Lad to him, cold him, that he dreamt he kissed his own Breech; I but Master, saith the Lad, as nimbly as wittily, dreams always prove contrary, you must kiss mine; He it seems must be the Art midorus to interpret his dream, and he did it to some purpose: Here was old kissing between them both, yet the Friar had had the worst on't which way soever it had happened, his little Lackey quite out-witted him.  
How excellently learned they are will appear, if you consider their insight in the Latin tongue; for a Priest being put once to construe a sentence out of Tullius de Officiis, that is known to every Schoolboy in his Corderius, and it was this, Indutus toga virili, which he turned thus: Indutus, having put on, toga virili, his green Gown: He thought surely he was tumbling with the lusty sanguine complexioned Girls in a green meadow, or else he could never have hit of such a translation. Another being demanded by one of our Clergy men in England, how many Sacraments there were? replied, Nine: at which he being amazed, he asked him how he could prove it: to which he rejoined, seven beyond sea, and two with you: at which the Bishop smiling, though pitying his ignorance, dismissed him. One more instance I have for you, and then I have done: A certain Priest among them coming often to visit a Merchant, one of his Parishioners, because he was one of his noblest Benefactors, was so much taken with his Wife, that for the future he resolved to associate himself with the Mistress, and not the Master of the House, which accordingly he did, and solicited her incessantly for a night's lodging (see what it is to be troubled with the Pr.— of zeal) but she like a chaste Matron, scorning to be disloyal to her husband, (●f Lambert's Lady had been so loyal, Nol had ne'er made him wear the Bull's Feather) and withal she did inculcate, and repeat the scandal that it was to those of his Coat, to entertain so much as a thought of coveting his neighbour's wife; but he a servant to the flesh more than to the spirit, grew the more earnest for being repulsed, and renewed his entreaties and persuasions with more vigour, then formerly: She perceiving it was impossible to avoid it, unless it were by discovering him, resolved to do it when her husband came home; which accordingly she did, who after he understood his design, bid her promise him the use of her body, and he would be in the next room ready to enter in the very height of opportunity, and spoil his sport; so the next time he came, he persisted still in his accustomed humour, and she at last with a kind of unwilling willingness, seemed to be overcome with his persuasions, and so consented to let him have the fruition of his desire, which he overjoyed to hear, made all possible speed to the Bedchamber, where in the twinkling of a Bedstaff, he disrobed himself of his Pontificalibus, and was just skipping into bed, when her husband rattled at the door, which she hearing, bid him get into the Press that stood by the Bed side, to hid himself; which he did in all haste, glad at his heart that he was cloistered within those wooden walls from the sight of the Goodman of the house, who coming in in the interim, taking no notice at all of the bustle he made with tumbling into the Press; How dost thou, my dear? saith he, Prithee what's the reason that this Press is always left open? and so locked it, and put the Key in his Pocket: Now you must note by the way, that this fell out to be on Saturday night, as fortune would have it, and the Priest, next morning being Sunday, was to officiate in the Pulpit; the day began at the length to appear, and the time draw nigh wherein people usually frequent the Temple, there all service was performed, the Saints-bell rung, and the people gaping in expectation of the Priest, who as yet was cabinetted up in the Merchant's house, who had a design upon him to make him a public example of infamy to the people, and ignominious and hateful to the Clergy, at least in appearance and outward show, (though they can pass by such tricks of youth without examination or punishment) which was this, he caused the Press to be carried into the Church, and placed behind the Pulpit, at which sudden and unexpected sight the Congregation was amazed, and immediately gave order that the Press door should be opened; which was no sooner done, but the Priest like a ghost newly come from among the tombs, steps into the Pulpit with these words in his mouth, Sic resurrexit Lazarus è sepulchro: In this posture did Lazarus arise out of the grave, and preached upon't as his Text; for which his religious zeal, he was highly extolled by the people (they being altogether ignorant of his lusty zeal that first caused his confinement) and the Merchant perceiving how ingeniously he had cloaked this his piece of knavery, did not divulge it at that present, but kept it within his own breasts: But we must not scratch the pates of these bald Priests too much, lest we draw blood: now to the Canonist. The Canon-Law that hath so great a vogue in Italy, will sooner be condemned for vicious, then extolled for just, when you consider that it makes the Crown do homage to the Mitre; the Sceptre to the Crosier, and the Emperor's Throne to the Pope's Chair.  
Among the Italians he is accounted no less than a fool, that is not melancholy once a day: They are only liberal to their Superiors, from whom they expect greater benefits; to all others the purse is closest shut, when the mouth opens widest: nor is there any probability of your getting a piece of Cake there, unless yours be known to be in the Oven. To add to their treasure, they will light a candle to the Devil. In Legorn they allow a Jews Synagogue; nay, you may be what Devil you will there, so you push not the Pope with your horn. They are the greatest embracers of pleasure, and esteem of pearls as pebbles, so they can but satiate their Gusto, in point of pleasure, Here you may find Love and Hatred, Virtue and Vice, Superstition, and Religion in their extremes, for the greatest wits once depraved prove ever the most dangerous. They are in their Lust's unnatural, in their hatred irreconciliable, and in their thoughts unfathomable, so that with one breath they blow both hot, and cold, and to compass their own ends, and accomplish their own designs, they will play the Devil incarnate: But now we will wring them no more by the nose, lest we fetch blood, wherefore we will allay the bitterness of this potion with the edulcorating ingredients of their virtues.  
Italy is the Garden of Europe, the Terroir being gentle and copious, and produceth a more stately crop, than the Husbandman ofttimes expects: and some soils there are, that afford four Latter-meaths of Hay and Grass: For their delicious wines no Country can parallel it, besides it excels in large and stately Cattle, nor is i● altogether improbable, that she receive her name therefore from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, which signifies a Calf: The fame of the Neapolitan Coursier hath run through all the habitable world: for the number and lustre of Nobility, no nation exceeds them, which makes most ingenious spirits transported with the desire of visiting her Territories: As for the ingenuity and dexterity of the inventive brain of the Italian, if you respect either Artificers or Opificers, all Nations have been benefited thereby; nay they have been almost adored by by the residue of the Europian part of the world.  
For all speculative and theoric Sciences, the Italian equal most Nations under the heavens, as may appear by the almost infinite number of Wits that she hath nursed, as Virgil, Eunius; Lucrece, Statius, Plantus, for divine Poetry; for according to the Stagirite, 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉, Poesy is a divine thing.  
For Prudence in the Law, Alciat, Pancirolus, Peregrinus, and Hondaus, were very famous.  
In the Secrecies and Operations of Medicine, none could excel Fracastorius, Matthiolus, Fallopius, Aldrovandus, Johannes Baptista Porta, and Talicotius, who could imitate Nature even to admiration, in making artificial Noses, Ears, and Eyes.  
For History, Francis Guiceiardine, Cardinal Bembo, Vergerius, Magirus, Cardan, Picus Earl of Mirandula, Zabaralla, and Ursimus, veil to none for Philosophy.  
Nor hath Mercury only his Seminary here, but Mars hath his Standard also, being very exact in the Rules of Military Discipline, and excellent Engineers: And as to Treaty, never did any Nation come near him, he was never out-witted that way.  
She hath produced many noble Sons of Mars, as Scaliger Prince of Verona, Castruccio, Sforza, and Ambrosia Spinola; as also Alexander Farnese Duke of Parma. They are excellent Navigators; 'twas Americo Vespucio a Florentine, that baptised the new world; And Christopher Columbo, which acts of his all past Ages cannot equal, and he only by the dexterity of his wit and insight of the Mathematics, performed it.  
Nor are her Cities less famous than her inhabitants: and first of Rome, which is judged the Empress of the world, the Protecteress of all Arts and Sciences, and the Fountain from whose streams of Virtue and Piety, the rest of the Christian world is watered. 'Twas the cordial wish of that Father of the Fathers of the Latin Church St. Augustine, that he might compass the sight of three things. Our blessed Saviour in the Flesh, St. Paul in the Pulpit, and Rome in her highest flourish, and the meridian of her glory. Give but an ear to what Martial the Epigrammatist sings, as her due Encomium. Terrarum Dea, Gentiumque Roma Cui par est nihil, & nihil secundum. What a vast Circumference she had, may be guessed at by the number of Cobwebs that Heliogabalus caused to be gathered there, which amounted to a thousand weight.  
As for the renowned Republic of Venice without her, as an eminent Author of our times notes, Italy should want her chiefest Ornament, Liberty a refuge, Europe her Bulwark, Neptune should be destitute of a Mistress, and Nature of a Miracle. She is a Lady that hath encroacht more upon Neptune's dominions, than any State in the World: She commands a fortress that is built according to the most exact rules of Enginery, that stood her in two millions the erecting, and charges her with a hundred thousand Crowns per annum, her yearly maintenance. Her Arsenal is as famous a wonder as her illustrious self, she would ecstasy a foreiner with the sight of her stately fabrics. This City, saith one of our well-worded Grandees, that is adorned with a double portion of Parts, and Arts, Manners, and Manors, hath continued a Virgin ne'er upon these fifteen hundred years, yet withal such an Amazon, that she hath wrestled with the most potent Monarches in Europe, and thrown some of them flat on their backs, but none of them could lay her in such a posture, as to get her Maidenhead. Her grandees are noble Patriots, Patres Patriae, they have public spirits, are fage in Counsels, and solid in their judgement, constant in adverse, and moderate in good fortune: Nor doth her incolumity depend upon the slender twist of the life of one single person, but upon the prudent management of an immortal Senate.  
The Characters that the Learned confer upon her are many, noble, and what she deserves in their own judgement. Mamertinus the Panegyrist, calls her Gentium Dominam, the Mistress of all Nations. Rutilius Numatianus, Coelestem mundique Reginam; A Heavenly thing, and Empress of the world. Dionysius Halicarnassaeus, Totius Orbis optimam: The most famous Country in the whose universe. And others, Caput Orbis, The Head of the world, and that not undeservedly, for either Pike or Pen, Mercury or Mars; no Nation whatsoever that comes into the balance with her, but will be outpoized, if held up by an  hand.  
Touching her Excesses, and principally those of the Popes, which have been sufficiently anatomised by several Authors, it is incontrovertible; that among so great a number some will be found culpable: There is no Wheat, but some Chaff; no Wine but some Lees. In the first Election that our blessed Saviour made, among twelve there was one found bad: But let it not be buried in oblivion, that the first thirty three Bishops of Rome suffered Martyrdom: And if that the ecclesiastics Purple seem to dazzle the eyes of some weaksighted, and slenderly-grounded persons, and that the Clergy seem to them to lead a life in too much external pomp and outward glory, the Capuchians frock and the recluse and austere lives of Mendicant Friars, and other abstenious persons, may serve in lieu of an Apology for the prementioned Extravagancies.  
Though Venice and Naples be crammed with Courtizano's, yet the chastity of so many thousands of pious cloistered souls, who have totally weaned themselves from all mundane frothy delights, and adhered to heaven, and the hopes they have of the fruition thereof, may make some satisfaction for their Excesses. But Scaurus hath penned among his Works a Sentence that deserves consideration, and that is, Non minus magnam virtutem esse scire desinere, quam scire dicere. It is no less virtue to know when to put a period to a Discourse, then to write the Exordium; wherefore I judge it far better to strike sail, then to launch any farther into so vast an Ocean of Matter, as the Praise of the Italians: Thus having bid adieu, I make an  
END.   

Books to be sold by Nath Brook at the Angel in●● o●n●●.  
1. THe accomplis●● Cook, the Mystery of the whole Art of Cookely revealed in a more easy and perfect Method then hath been published in any Language. By Robert May in the time of his attendance on several Persons of Honor.  
2. J. Cleaveland Revived: Poems, Orations, Epistles, and other of his Genuine Incomparable Pieces: A second Impression with many Additions.  
3. The Exquisite Letters of Mr. Robert Loveday, the late admired Translator of the Volumes of the famed Romance Cleopatra, for the perpetuating his memory; published by his dear Brother, Mr. A. L.  
4. England's Worthies: Select Lives of the most Eminent Persons from Constantine the Great, to the death of Oliver Cromwell late Protector: By Wil Winstanley, Gent.  
5. A Character of France: to which is added Gallus Castratus; or, an Answer to a late slanderous Pamphlet, called, The Character of England; as also a fresh Whip for the Mounsieur, in answer to his Letter, in vindication to his Madam, the second Edition.  
6. William Clowes his Chyrurgical Observations for those that are burned with flames of Gunpowder, as also for the curing of wounds, and of the Lues venerea, etc.  
7. The Saint's Happiness, together with the several steps leading thereunto, delivered in divers Lectures on the Beatitudes, contained in the 5th of Matthew: By Jeremiah Burroughs late Preacher of Stepney.  
8. His Gospel-Revelation, in three Treatises: 1. Of the Nature of God. 2. Of the Excellency of Christ 3. Of the Excellency of man's Immortal Soul. By the same Author.  
FINIS.