THE HARANGUES OR SPEECHES Of Several Famous MOUNTEBANKS IN Town and Country. When Quack and Zany thus are met, The Imperious Empiric seem to fret; But looking round, the Crowd to see, Are pleased to find such Company. At last the Zany fetched the Wallet Of— not Man e'er knew what to call it; Promiscuous Sweeps of Druggist Shops, Made into Plasters, Pills, and Slops, All mixed, as you'll hereafter see, Up with Infallibility. LONDON: Printed for T. WARNER, at the Black-Boy, in Pater-Noster-Row. Price One Shilling. TO Mr. William Winter. SIR, THE following Sheets are exactly fitted for you, they treating of what you used to divert yourself with in moorefield's, Covent-Garden, etc. And as it has afforded you some Laughter to see the gaping Crowd be gulled by the enchanting Tongues of Quack and Zany, who would unlock their Ears, and steal a Passage, by a magic Pill, into their Pockets, and so send them away with a small Apothecary's Shop, either to kill themselves or their Neighbours: So I hope they will revive your former Mirth in the reading them. As soon as his infallible Jewels are disposed of, he presents you with his Jack Pudding, who mounts his hempen Fortune, flying like a Bird in the Air; and when he has fooled it about half an Hour, he promises his mobbish Spectators more Diversion the next Visit, honours them with a gracious Nod, and comes down: And this the Noble Doctor gives them, and his infallible Packet, at so small a Price as Sixpence. So dear Friend, if by presenting you with their Speeches, I may administer a Pill to purge Melancholy, and divert your Leisure Hours, I shall have gained my End; and am proud of entertaining one for whom I have so great an Esteem. I am, Dear Friend, Yours, D. G. CONTENTS. THE Quack. By Thomas Rands. Page 1 The High Germane Doctor and the English Fool, Page 8 The Infallible Mountebank, or Quack Doctor, Page 11 Pharmacopola Circumforaneus: Or, the Horse Doctor's Harangue to the credulous Mob, Page 13 The Harangue, or Quack Speech of Tom Jones at York, Page 19 Alexander Bendo 's Quack Speech, Page 23 Joe Haines the Comedian's Quack Speech, Page 35 Robert Wilmore 's Harangue, Page 44 Lopus 's Harangue at Madrid, Page 48 The Harangue of the Famous Scoto of Mantuano, Page 55 THE HARANGUES Of several Famous Quack Doctors, etc. The QUACK by Thomas Rands. MY Name is Don Paraselsus de Curiandi; I live at the Sign of the Pestle and Mortar in Glister-Pipe-Lane, near Bolus-Alley; my Business, in this famous Nation, is to let my Fellow Christians know the excellent Qualifications of my Medicines, which I sell to the Rich, but give away gratis to the Poor. Imprimis, Is there any old Women amongst you, who are troubled with the Pimple-Pamplins, whose Skin is too short for their Bodies, that they cannot Sleep for Farting: See, here is my Antipamphastick Powder, or my Sovereign Carminick, which discharges Ventiserous Humours, of what kind soever, and will reduce you to Soundness of Body in the Twinkling of a Hobby-Horse. Then see, here is my Balsamum Stobule Swordum, or an Ointment that's good against all Cuts, green or cankered Wounds. Now, suppose any honest Man amongst you has Hurt or Cut himself with either Sword, Gun, or Musket, Spit, Jack, or Grid-Iron, Glass-Bottle, or Pint-Pot, by the Help and Application of this my Celebrated Balsam, they are immediately cured, without giving themselves the Trouble of sending for an illiterate Surgeon, who will sooner cleanse their Pockets of its Money, than the Wounds of its Infection, Then, here is my Unguentum Cataphon, or, an Ointment that's good against all Strains, Sprains, or Bruises. Now, suppose any honest Farmer amongst you has strained or sprained his Legs, Arms, or Ankles, by over lifting himself at a Gate-Post, or Barn-Door, Dung-Pot, or Chartley Wheel, or has got a Fall from a Hay-Rick, or a Barley-Mow; by the Application of this my Medicating Unguent, being properly used by Friction, and by the Hand of a Maid of Fifteen, you need not doubt a Cure, my Life to an Apple-Pye. Then, gentlemans, see here is my Purando's Tankapon Tolos, that is to say, in the Arabian Language, The Wonderworking Pills: The excellent Quality of which, is hardly known, even to myself: But I can assure you, they are good against all Sanguine, Melancholy, Phlegmatic, or Choleric Humours: They are Sudorific, Cathartick, Specific, Amaradulsick, Abstergick, Mundifick, and Apperiatick. They purge the Brain from all Crassick Cloudifying Humours which obstruct the Senses of all Superannuated Maids. They immediately perform an Articulation of Dislocated Junctions. They make the Curratick, directick, and the Directick indirectick, in their Lives and Conversations. They cause the Old to appear young, the Young handsome, and the Handsome witty. Take Three of these Pills in a Morning, Jejuno Stomacho, with Two Quarts of Aqua Gruellis, to force an Operation, by an immediate Evacuation, and you'll possess a perfect Deliveration for all inordinate Motions of the Mind, as Trapidity, Anger, Melancholy, Mistrust, or the like. They immediately dissipate the Spirit of Jealousy in the Young or Old. Now, suppose any Person, here present, is troubled with this grievous and tormenting Distemper, and fancies his Wife to be what she is, or what she really may not be, let him take five of these Pills, as my printed Paper shall give Directions, and attend the Operation; and if he has a just Occasion, it will give him just five Stools; if on the contrary, it will have no more Operation upon him than the like Quantity of Sugar-Candy. These wonderful Pills strengthen the Nerves, cleanse the Urinal Passages, and purge the Stomach from all Distempers got by crude, raw, and undigested Meats. In fine, there is no Distemper of the Body whatsoever, but what these Pills will entirely eradicate, tho' it lies lurking in the Mass of Blood. I shall say no more at present, only let you know that now is your Time to furnish yourselves with my Medicines. The Price of them is small, tho' the Operation wonderful. I am none of those Fellows that set an extravagant Value upon themselves, merely because they ride upon Spotted Horses, and express themselves in ridiculous and unintelligible Terms, to amuse the Vulgar; but I am the Famous Don Paracelsus, who, for several Years, have been known in this famous City; and because I will encourage you to Buy, here is my Antipamphastick Powder, my Balsamum Stobule Swordum, my Unguentum Cataphen, together with my Purandos Tankapon Tolos, and all for the Price of Six Pence. My Medicines have made themselves and me Famous throughout Asia, Africa, Europe, and America. It was I that cured Prestor John's Juggler's Wife's Waiting-Gentlewoman of a Fistula in her Elbow, of which she died. It was I that prevented the Old Woman at Exeter, from running Headlong into a Wine-Cellar. It was I that cured the Morocco Embassaof a Lapsa Lingua. It was me, and only me, that cured the French Dancing-Man, at Amsterdam, of the Consumption in his Pockets. I am as well known in the Terra Incognita, as in any Part of Europe, where I performed an excellent Cure upon Captain Nonsuch, Commander of the Nonnomen Galley, who had a Cannon-Ball lodged in his Little-Finger; likewise the Carpenter of the same Ship, who had swollowed a Hand-spike. I resided for several Years in the great City of Moscow; where, by my internal Medicines, and by my external and manual Operations, I became more Famous among them, than ever the Learned Talicotius was among the Inhabitants of the Deserts of Arabia; for which Reasons the Learned University of that City was pleased to bestow this Distich in Favour of me. Tantagores thetow, Phylosophia grandila Moscow, Stanstephon Physica, Musica, Artibus Kill-cow. Before I conclude my Discourse, I must let you know, that I understand, and can read the Language of the Stars, and that I resolve all Manner of Lawful Questions, and am profound in Physiognomy and Palmistry, and that I am commenced Master of the Mathematics, Geometry, Trigonometry, Algebra, Rhetoric, Logic, and Plain-Sailing. Gentlemen, and Fellow Christians, my Hours are from Six till Seven, from Seven till Eleven, and from Eleven all Day. I. Here Men of great Sense, At a little Expense, May furnish themselves with a Packet: O● if any one's poor, That has been with a Whore, For he need not to lack it. II. Though Money be scant, Yet Physic you'll want, If ever you come into Danger: Then Beaus come, and Buy it, Prove, Judge, and Try it, Or privately come to my Chamber. The High Germane DOCTOR and the English FOOL. Gentlemen, THOUGH ' I am an English Fool, yet, my Master has the Honour to be a High Germane Physician; who, in his Travels round the Universe, has cured twelve Foreign Ministers of State of those Twin Plagues, Bribery and Infidelity; Six Kings of a Tyrannical Fevers; the whole Conclave of Cardinals of Pride, Laziness, and Hypocrisy; and the present Pope of the Antichristian Evil. He was also three Years Oculist to the Germane Spread Eagle, and seven Years Operator for the Teeth to the King of Spain's white Elephants: He is not only Learned by his long Studies, but Reverend, as you may see by his Beard; and Wife, as you may judge by his Silence: He has made himself, by his long Travels, an absolute Master of all the Tongues in the whole World, (except the Language of this Kingdom,) and at these Years has put himself into his English A, b, c, in order to make himself an universal Scholar. Amongst the many excellent Medicaments contained in his little Health-preserving Packet, the first Thing that he presents you with, is this minute Panpharmacon, which he calls, his Pillula infalibilis, or his infallible Pill; tho' 'tis so small in Bulk, that it is scarce discernible without a Microscope, yet, it is so mighty in its Operation, that it will raise the weakest Patient out of his sick Bed, and make him strong enough, in two Minutes, to encounter Conscience, Death, and the Devil. In the next Place, he communicates to your View his most excellent umbellical Sticking Plaster; which, if applied by the Wife, to the Pit of her Husband's Stomach, disperses all manner of jealous Heart-burnings, prevents the many violent Evils that daily arise, from that predominant Monarchical Distemper, such as, Grumbling in the Gizzard, Murder, Imprisonment, and the like; these, with all its evil Concomitants, it disperses in a Moment, and so strengthens his Appetite towards Family Duty, that he will be able to Love wonderfully, and beget a miraculous Progeny. Here is, likewise, a Pot of Mollifying Ointment, for the suppling and stretching of narrow and hidebound Consciences, extraordinary useful for all fashionable Zealots, who are desirous of making their Religion subservant to their Interest; let them but outwardly apply this Balsam every Saturday Night, and by Sunday Morning, they will find themselves such prevaricating Christians, that they may go to Church in the Morning, and to Meeting in in the Afternoon, and return Home as devout Hypocrites as if they had gone to neither. Lastly, To Crown the whole Number of his admirable Secrets, here is that rich and excellent Preservative, as well, as Antidote, his Orvietano: Take a small Dose of this next your Heart in a Morning, and you may venture any Time of the Day after into the most disaffected Coffeehouse in London, without the Danger of being poisoned with Rebellious Principles: It expels all Low Country Schism by a Belch; carries off all Disloyalty in a Fart; and is the best Restorative to strengthen weak Faith, and decayed Allegiance, that ever was yet discovered since the Fall of Adam. And all these Medicines, contained in this little Packet, the Doctor, through his Bounty to the Public, is willing to let you have for the small Value of . The Infallible MOUNTABANK, or, QUACK DOCTOR. SEE! Sirs, see here! A Doctor rare, Who Travels much at Home! Here, take my Bills, I cure all Ills, Past, present, and to come; The Cramp, the Stitch, The Squirt, the Itch, The Gout, the Stone, the Pox; The Mulligrubs, The Bonny Scrubs, And all Pandora's Box. Thousands I've dissected, Thousands new erected, And such Cures effected, As none e'er can tell. Let the Palsy shake ye, Let the Colic rack ye, Let the Crinkums' break ye, Let the Murrain take ye; Take this, and you are well. Come Wits, so keen, Devoured with Spleen, Come Beaus who sprained your Backs; Great Bellied Maids, Old foundered Jades, And peppered Vizard Cracks I soon remove The Pains of Love, And cure the Lovesick Maid; The Hot, the Cold, The Young, the Old, The Living, and the Dead; I clear the Lass, With wainscot Face, And from Pimginets free, Plum Ladies red, Like Sarazan's Head, With toaping Rattafia; This with a Jirk, Will do your Work, And scour you o'er, and o'er: Read, Judge, and Try, And if you Die, Never believe me more. Pharmacopola Circumforaneus; or, The HORSE doctor's Harangue to the Credulous Mob. Gentlemen, I Waltho Van Claturbank, High Germane Doctor, Chemist, and Dentifricator, Native of Arabia, Deserta, Citizen and Burgomaster of the City of Brandipolis, Seventh Son of the Seventh Son, Unborn Doctor, of above 60 Years Experience, having studied over Galen, Hypocrates, Albumazar, and Paracelsus, am now become the Aesculapius of this Age. Having been educated at Twelve Universities, and traveled through Fifty two Kingdoms, and been Counsellor to the Counsellors of several Monarches, Natural Son of the Wonderworking Chemical Doctor, Signior Hanesio, lately arrived from the farthest Parts of Utopia, famous throughout Asia, Africa, Europe, and America, from the Sun's Oriental Exaltation to his Occidental Declination: Out of mere Pity to my own dear Self, and languishing Mortals, have by the earnest Prayers and and Entreaties of several Lords, Earls, Dukes, and Honourable Personages, been at last prevailed upon to oblige the World with this Notice; That all Persons, Young and Old, Blind or Lame, Deaf or Dumb, Curable or Incurable, may know where to repair for Cure, in all Cephalalgia's, Paralytic, Paraxysms, Palpitations of the Pericardium, Empyemas, Syncopes, and Nasieties, arising either from a Plethory, or a Cacochymy, Vertiginous Vapours, Hydiocephalus Dissenteries, Odontalgick or Podagrical Inflammations, Iliack Passions, Icterical Effusions, Exanthemata, the Hen-Pox, the Hog-Pox, the Whore's Pox, and the Small Pox; the Ascites, Tympanites, Anasarca, and the entire Legion of Lethiferous Distempers. Imprimis, Gentlemen, I have a neverfailing Styptic, coroborating, odoriferous, anodinous, balsamic Balsam of Balsams, made of dead Men's Fat, Rosin, and Goose-Grease, which infallibly restores lost Maidenheads, raises demoished Noses, and by its abstersive cosmetick Quality, preserves superannuated Bawds from Wrinkles. Item, I have the true Carthramophra of the Triple Kingdom, my neverfailing Heliogenes, being the Tincture of the Sun, deriving Vigour, Influence, and Dominion from the same Light; it causes all Complexions to Laugh or Smile, at the very Time of taking it; is seven Years in preparing, and being completed, secundum Artem, by Fermentation, Cohobation, Calcination, Sublimation, Fixation, Philtration, Circulation, and Quidlibitification, in Balneo Mariae, Crucible and Fixatory, the Athanor, Cucurbita, and Reverberatory, is the only Sovereign Medicine in the World. This is Nature's Palladium, Health's Magazine; it works seven manner of Ways, in order as Nature herself requires, for it scorns to be confined to any particular way of Operation; so that it effecteth the Cure, either Hypnotically, Hydrotically, Cathartically, Poppismatically, Hydrogogically, Pneumatically, or Synechdochically; it mundifies the Hypogastrium, wipes off abstersively those tenacious conglomerated sedimental Sordes that adhere to the Oesophagus and Viscera; extinguishes all supernatural Fermentations and Ebulitions; and, in fine, annihilates all Nosotrophical Morbific Ideas of the whole Corporeal Compages. A Drachm of it is worth a Bushel of March Dust: For if a Man chance to have his Brains beat out, or his Head chopped off, two Drops, I say, two Drops, Gentlemen, seasonably applied, will recall the fleeting Spirits, reinthrone the deposed Archaeus, cement the Discontinuity of the Parts, and in six Minutes restore the lifeless Trunk to all its prestine Functions, Vital, Natural, and Animal; so that this, believe me, Gentlemen, is the only Sovereign Remedy in the World. I have the chiefest Antepudenda Gragran Specific in Venus' Regalia, which infallibly cures the French Pox, with all its Train of Gonorrheas, Bubo's and Shankers, Carnosities, Phymosis, Paraphymosis, Crystalline Priapismus, Caudalomata, and Ragades, without Baths and Stoves, and that with as much Pleasure as the same was contracted; so that 'tis worth any Person's while to get the Distemper once a Fortnight, if it be to be had for Love or Money, to enjoy the Benefit of so diverting a Remedy. I have the Panchymagogon of Hermes-Trismegistus, an incomparable Spagyric Tincture of the Moon's Horns, which is the only infallible Antidote against the Contagion of Cuckoldom. Besides, my Vermifugus Pulvis, or Antivermatical Worm-conquering Powder, so famous for destroying all Sorts of 'em, incident to human Bodies, breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum, and dissolving the Phlegmatic Crudities that produce these Anthropohagous' Vermin: It hath brought away Worms by Urine, as long as the Maypole in the Strand, when it flourished in its primative Prolixity, tho' I confess not altogether so thick. Look ye, Gentlemen, I have it under the Hands and Seals of all the greatest Sultan's, Sophys, Bassa's, Viziers, Cham's, Serasquiers, and Muftis, etc. in Christendom, to Verificate the Truth of my Operations, that I have actually performed such Cures, as are really beyond human Abilities. I cured Prestor John's Godmother, to the great Admiration of all the Court, of a stupendious Dolour about the Os Sacrum, so that the good old Lady really feared the Perdition of her Hucklebone; I did it by fomenting her Posteriors, with a Mummy of Nature, alias, called Pilgrim's Salve, mixed up with the Spirit of Mugwort, tartaragraphated through an Alembick of Crystalline Transfluency. Thence was I sent for to Sultan Gilgon Despote of Bosnia, who was violently afflicted with the Spasmus: He came to meet me 300 Leagues in a Go-Cart: But I gave him so speedy on Acquittance of his Dolour, that the next Night I caused him to Dance a Saraband with Flipflaps and Somersets. I restored Virility, and the Comforts of Generation, to above 150 Eunuches in the Grand Senior's Seraglio; and by a Pair of Prolific Pills, lately caused a Vintner's Widow, who had been Barren all her Days, to conceive of a Man Child, in the twelfth Luster of her Age, without the Help of her Husband. I cured likewise the Duchess of Boromolpho of a Cramp in her Tongue; and the Count de Redomontado Corrept, with an iliack Passion, contracted by eating buttered Parships. I also cured an Alderman of Grand Cairo, who had been sick seven Years of the Plague in 46 Minutes: And by the like Empyrical Remedies I lately cured Duke Philorix of a Dropsy, of which he died. Venienti occurrite Morbo, Down with your Dust; Principiis obsta, No Cure, no Money; Quar●nda Pecunia primum, Be not sick too late. You that are willing to render yourselves Immortal, buy this Packet; or else repair to the Sign of the Prancers, in Vico vulgo dicto, Rattlecliffero, something Southeast of the Teplum Danicum, in the Square of Profound-Close, not far from Tittertatter Fair, and you may see, hear, and return Reinfecta. The Harangue, or Quack Speech of T. JONES at York. Gentlemen and Ladies, YOU that have a mind to preserve your own and your Family's Health, may here, at the Expense of a Twopenny Piece, furnish yourselves with a Packet, which contains several Things of great Use, and wonderful Operation in human Bodies, against all Distempers whatsoever, Gentlemen, Because I present myself among you, I would not have you to think▪ I am any Upstart Glister-Pipe, Bum-Peeping Apothecary: No, Gentlemen, I am no such Person, I am a regular Physician; and have travelled most Kingdoms in the World, purely to do my Country good. I am not a Person that takes delight, as a great many do, to fill your Ears with hard Words, in telling you the Nature of Turpet Mineral, Mercuri Dulcis, Balsamum Capiviet, Astringents, Laxations, Hardboundations, Circulations. Vibrations, Salivations, Excoriations, Scaldations, Urinations. These Quacks, may fi lie be called, Solimites, because they prescribe only one sort of Physic for all Distempers, that is, a Vomit. If a Man has bruised his Elbow; Take a Vomit, says the Doctor. If you have any Corns; Take a Vomit. If he has torn his Coat; Take a Vomit. For the Jaundice, Fevers, Flux, Gripes, Gout, Stone, Pox nay, even the Distempers that only my Friend, the famous Doctor Tough, whom you all know, as the Hocognicles, Marthambles, the Mo●n-Paul, and the Strong-Fives; A Vomit; Tantum. Gentlemen, These Impostors value Killing of a Man, no more, than I value drawing an old Stump of a Tooth, which has long troubled any of you; so that, I say, They are a pack of Tagrag, Assifatida, Glister-Pipe Doctors. Now, Gentlemen, having given you a short Account of this spurious Race; I shall present you with my Cordial Pills, being the Tincture of the Sun, having Dominion from the same Light, giving Relief and Comfort to all Mankind: They cause all Complexions to Laugh or Smile, in the the very taking them, they presently cure all Dizziness, Swimmings, Dulness in the Head, and Scurvy. In the next Place, I recommend to you my incomparable Balsam, which heals all Sores, Cuts, Ulcers, new and old. 'Tis good for Burns, Scalds, Swell, Bruises, Strains, Aches, Weakness in the Joints and Limbs, etc. it cures the King's Evil, sore Breasts, and scald Heads; and it is taken inwardly for a Cough, Consumption, short Breath, Weakness of the Back, or any inward Hurt. The next unparallelled Medicine, contained in this my Packet, is an admirable Electuary, celebrated throughout all England, Scotland, France, and Ireland, Dominion of Wales, and Town of Berwick upon Tweed. It cures all curable Diseases, by very easy and gentle purging; it causes an Appetite, helps all Distempers in the Eyes, Face, swelled Lips; and opens the Stoppage of the Liver and Spleen, etc. The next I present you with, is my Specific, which certainly cures all Agues in a Minuet. The next is my Red Plaster, which radically cures the most inveterate Rheumatism and Gout in a few Day's Time. The last, and most useful Medicine prepared throughout the whole World, is this, my Pulvis Catharticus: Its Virtues are such, it will, equally with the Unicorn's Horn, expel the rankest Poison; 'tis a perfect, safe, and speedy Cure, for all venerial Maladies, of what Degree soever, and fortifies the Heart against all Fainting. I do assure you, Country Folk, these Medicines are as good as any Physician can make, or Patient take; their Virtues are too well known, to say any more; so I shall leave you to experience them. And so I wish you Health, and Happiness. You may come to my Lodgings, at the Barber's Pole Stone-Gate: At Home, from Seven to Eleven. To all Gentlemen and Ladies, and Others, whether of City, Town, or Country, ALEXANDER BENDO wisheth all Health and Prosperity. WHereas this famous Metropolis of England; (and were the Endeavours of its worthy Inhabitants equal to their Power, Merit, and Virtue, I should not stick to denounce it, in a short time, the Metropolis of the whole World:) Whereas, I say, this City, (as most great Ones are) has ever been infested with a numerous Company of such, whose arrogant Confidence, backed with their Ignorance, has enabled them to impose upon the People, either by premeditated Cheats, or, at best, the palpable, dull, and empty Mistakes of their self-deluded Imagination in Physic, Chemical and Galenick, in Astrology, Physiognomy, Palmistry, Mathematics, Alchemy, and even in Government itself: The last of which, I will not propose to discourse of, or meddle at all in, since it no Way belongs to my Trade or Vocation, as the rest do; which (Thanks to my God) I find much more safe, I think equally honest, and therefore more profitable. But as to all the former, they have been so erroneously practised by many unlearned Wretches, whom Poverty and Neediness, for the most Part, (if not the restless Itch of Deceiving,) has forced to straggle and wander in unknown Paths, that even the Professions themselves, tho' originally the Products of the most learned and wise men's laborious Studies and Experience, and by them left a wealthy and glorious Inheritance for Ages to come, seem, by this Bastard-Race of Quacks and Cheats, to have been run out of all Wisdom, Learning, Perspicuousness, and Truth, with which they were so plentifully stocked; and now run into a Repute of mere Mists, Imaginations, Errors, and Deceits, such as, in the Management of these Idle Professors, indeed they were. You will therefore, (I hope,) Gentlemen, Ladies, and others, deem it but just, that that I, who for some Years have with all Faithfulness and Assiduity courted these Arts, and received such signal Favours from them, that they have admitted me to the happy and full Enjoyment of themselves, and trusted me with their greatest Secrets, should, with an Earnestness and Concern more than ordinary, take their Parts against these impudent Fops, whose saucy impertinent Addresses and Pretensions have brought such a Scandal upon their most immaculate Honours and Reputations. Besides, I hope you will not think I could be so impudent, that if I had intended any such foul Play myself, I would have given you so fair Warning, by my severe Observations upon others. Qui alterum incusat Probri, ipsum se intueri oportet, (Plaut.) However, Gentlemen, in a World like this, where Virtue is so exactly counterfeited, and Hypocrisy so generally taken Notice of, that every one (armed with Suspicion) stands upon his Guard against it, 'twill be very hard, for a Stranger especially, to escape Censure. All I shall say for myself on this Score, is this; If I appear to any one like a Counterfeit, even for the sake of that, chief, ought I to be construed a true Man? Who is the Counterfeits Example: His Original, and that which he employs his Industry and Pains to imitate and copy. Is it therefore my Fault, if the Cheat, by his Wits and Endeavours, makes himself so like me, that consequently I cannot avoid resembling him? Consider, pray, the Valiant, and the Coward; the wealthy Merchant, and the Bankrupt; the Politician and the Fool; they are the same in many Things, and differ but in one alone: The valiant Man holds up holds up his Head, looks confidently round about him, wears a Sword, courts a Lord's Wife, and owns it: So does the Coward. One only Point of Honour excepted, and that's Courage, which, (like false Metal, one only Trial can discover) makes the Distinction. The Bankrupt walks the Exchange, buys Bargains, draws Bills, and accepts them with the Richest, whilst Paper and Credit are current Coin: That which makes the Difference is real Cash; a great Defect, indeed, and yet but one, and that the last found out, and still, till then, the least perceived. Now for the Politician: He is a grave, deliberating, close, prying Man: Pray are there not grave, deliberating, close, prying Fools. If then, the Difference betwixt all these, (tho' infinite in Effect) be so nice in all Appearance, will you expect it should be otherwise betwixt the false Physician, ginger, etc. and the true? The first calls himself learned Doctor, sends forth his Bills, gives Physic and Counsel, tells and foretells; the other is bound to do just as much: 'Tis only your Experience must distinguish betwixt them; to which I willingly submit myself. I'll only say something to the Honour of the Mountebank, in case you discover me to be one. Reflect a little, what Kind of Creature it is: He is one, then, who is fain to supply some higher Ability he pretends to, with Craft; he draws great Companies to him by undertaking strange Things, which can never be effected. The Politician, (by his Example no doubt,) finding how the People are taken with specious miraculous Impossibilities, plays the same Game, protests, declares, promises I know not what, Things which he is sure can never be brought about: The People believe, are deluded, and pleased; the Expectation of a future Good, which shall never befall them, draws their Eyes off a present Evil. Thus are they kept and established in Subjection, Peace, and Obedience; he in Greatness, Wealth, and Power. So you see the Politician is, and must be, a Mountebank, in State-Affairs; and the Mountebank, no doubt, if he thrives, is an errand Politician in Physic. But that I may not prove too tedious, I will proceed faithfully to inform you, what are the Things in which I pretend chief, at this Time, to serve my Country, First, I will (by the Leave of God) perfectly cure that Labes Britannica, or Grand English Disease, the Scurvy; and that with such Ease to my Patient, that he shall not be sensible of the least Inconveniency, whilst I steal his Distemper from him. I know there are many, who treat this Disease with Mercury, Antimony, Spirits, and Salts, being dangerous Remedies, in which I shall meddle very little, and with great Caution; but by more secure, gentle, and less fallible Medicines, together with the Observation of some few Rules in Diet, perfectly cure the Patient, having freed him from all the Symptoms, as Looseness of the Teeth, Scorbutic Spots, Want of Appetite, Pains and La●●tude in the Limbs and Joints, especially the Legs. And to say true, there are few Distempers in this Nation that are not, or at least proceed not originally from the Scurvy; which, were it well rooted out, (as I make no Question to do it from all those who shall come into my Hands) there would not be heard of so many Gouts, Aches, Dropsies, and Consumptions; nay, even those thick and slimy Humours, which generate Stones in the Kidneys and Bladder, are for the most Part Offsprings of the Scurvy. It would prove tedious to set down all its malignant Race; but those who address themselves here, shall be still informed by me of the Nature of their Distempers, and the Grounds I proceed upon to their Cure: So will all reasonable People be satisfied, that I treat them with Care, Honesty, and Understanding; for I am not of their Opinion, who endeavour to render their Vocations rather mysterious, than useful and satisfactory. I will not here make a Catalogue of Diseases and Distempers; it behoves a Physician, I am sure, to understand them all; but if any one come to me, (as I think there are very few, that have escaped my Practice) I shall not be ashamed to own to my Patient where I find myself to seek; and, at least, he shall be secure with me from having Experiments tried upon him; a Privilege he can never hope to enjoy, either in the Hands of the grand Doctors of the Court and Town, or in those of the lesser Quacks and Mountebanks. It is thought fit, that I assure you of great Secrecy, as well as Gare in Diseases, where it is requisite, whether Venereal, or other; as some peculiar to Women, the Green-Sickness, Weakness, Inflammations, or Obstructions in the Stomach, Reins, Liver, Spleen, etc. for I would put no Word in my Bill that bears any unclean Sound; it is enough that I make myself understood. I have seen Physicians Bills as bawdy as Aretine's Dialogues, which no Man, that walks warily before God, can approve of; but I cure all Suffocations in those Parts producing Fits of the Mother, Convulsions, nocturnal Inquietudes, and other strange Accidents, not fit to be set down here; persuading young Women very often that their Hearts are like to break for Love, when, God knows, the Distemper lies far enough from that Place. I have likewise got the Knowledge of a great Secret, to cure Barrenness, (proceeding from any accidental Cause, as it often falls out, and no natural Defect; for Nature is easily assisted, difficultly restored, but impossible to be made more perfect by Man, than God himself had first created and bestowed it,) which I have made use of for many Years with great Success, especially this last Year, wherein I have cured one Woman that had been married twenty Years, and another that had been married one and twenty Years, and two Women that had been three Times married; as I can make appear by the Testimonies of several Persons of London and Westminster, and other Places thereabouts. The Medicines I use, cleanse and strengthen the Womb, and are all to be taken in the Space of seven Days. And because I do not intent to deceive any Person, upon Discourse with them, I will tell them whether I am like to do them any Good. My usual Contract is, to receive one Half of what is agreed upon, when the Party shall be quick with Child, the other Half when she is brought to Bed. Cures of this Kind I have done signal, and many; for the which, I doubt not, but I have the good Wishes and hearty Prayers of many Families, who had else pined out their Days under the deplorable and reproachful Misfortunes of Barren Wombs, leaving plentiful Estates and Possessions to be inherited by Strangers. As to Astrological Predictions, Physiognomy, Divination by Dreams, and otherwise, (Palmistry, I have no Faith in, because there can be no Reason alleged for it,) my own Experience has convinced me more of their considerable Effects, and marvellous Operations, chief in the Directions of future Proceed, to the avoiding of Dangers that threaten, and laying hold of Advantages that might offer themselves; I say, my own Practice has convinced me more than all the sage and wise Writings extant of those Matters; for I might say this of myself, (did it not look like Ostentation,) that I have very seldom failed in my Predictions, and often been very serviceable in my Advice. How far I am capable in this Way, I am sure is not fit to be delivered in Print: Those who have no Opinion of the Truth of this Art, will not, I suppose, come to me about it; such as have, I make no Question of giving them ample Satisfaction. Nor will I be ashamed to set down here my Willingness to practise Rare Secrets, (tho' somewhat collateral to my Profession) for the Help, Conservation, and Augmentation of Beauty and Comeliness; a Thing created at first by God, chief for the Glory of his own Name, and then for the better Establishment of mutual Love between Man and Woman; for when God had bestowed on Man the Power of Strength and Wisdom, and thereby rendered Woman liable to the Subjection of his absolute Will, it seemed but requisite that she should be endued likewise, in Recompense, with some Quality that might beget in him Admiration of Her, and so enforce his Tenderness and Love. The Knowledge of these Secrets, I gathered in my Travels Abroad, (where I have spent my Time, ever since I was fifteen Years old, to this my nine and twentieth Year) in France and Italy. Those that have travelled in Italy, will tell you to what a Miracle Art does there assist Nature in the Preservation of Beauty; how Women of Forty bear the same Countenance with those of Fifteen: Ages are no ways distinguished by Faces; whereas here in England, look a Horse in the Mouth, and a Woman in the Face, you presently know both their Ages to a Year. I will therefore give you such Remedies, that, without destroying your Complexion, (as most of your Paints and Daub do,) shall render them purely Fair, clearing and preserving them from all Spots, Freckles, Heats, Pimples, and Marks of the Smallpox, or any other accidental ones, so the Face be not seamed or scared. I will also cleanse and preserve your Teeth white and round as Pearls, fastening them that are lose: Your Gums shall be kept entire, as red as Coral; your Lips of the same Colour, and soft as you could wish your lawful Kisses. I will likewise administer that which shall cure the worst of Breathes, provided the Lungs be not totally perished and imposthumated; as also certain and infallible Remedies for those whose Breathes are yet untainted; so that nothing but either a very long Sickness, or Old-Age itself, shall ever be able to spoil them. I will besides (if it be desired) take away from their Fatness who have overmuch, and add Flesh to those that want it, without the least Detriment to their Constitutions. Now, should Galen himself look out of his Grave, and tell me these were Baubles below the Profession of a Physician, I would boldly answer him, That I take more Glory in preserving God's Image, in its unblemished Beauty, upon one good Face, than I should do in patching up all the decayed Carcases in the World. They that will do me the Favour to come to me, shall be sure, from Three of the Clock in the Afternoon, till Eight at Night, at my Lodgings in Tower-Street next Door to the Sign of the Black Swan at a Goldsmith's House, to find Their humble Servant, ALEXANDER BENDO. Thesaurum & Talentum ne abscondas in Agro. JOSEPH HAINES 's SPEECH, High-German Doctor and ginger in Brandipolis. Hoc juris publici in communem utilitatem publicum fecit. WHO by the Blessing of Aesculapius, on his great Pains, Travels, and nocturnal Lucubrations, has attained to a greater Share of Knowledge than any Person before him was ever known to do. Imprimis, Gentlemen, I present you with my Universal Solutive, or Cathartick Elixir, which corrects all the Cacochymick and Cachexical Diseases of the Intestines; cures all internal and external Diseases, all vertiginous Vapours, Hydrocephalous Giddiness or Swimming of the Head, Epileptic Fits, Flowing of the Gall, Stoppage of Urine, Ulcers in the Womb and Bladder; with many other Distempers, not hitherto distinguished by Name. Secondly, My friendly Pill, called, The neverfailing Heliogenes, being the Tincture of the Sun, and deriving Vigour, Influence and Dominion from the same Light; it causes all Complexions to laugh or smile, even in the very Time of taking it; which it effects, by dilating and expanding the Gelastick Muscles, first of all discovered by myself. It dulcifies the whole Mass of the Blood; maintains its Circulation, reforms the Digestion of the Chylon, fortifies the Opthalmick Nerves, clears the Officina Intelligentiae, corrects the Exorbitancy of the Spleen, mundifies the Hypogastrium, comforts the Sphincter, and is an excellent Remedy against the Prosopo-Clorosis, or Green-Sickness, Sterility, and all Obstructions whatever. They operate seven several Ways, in order, as Nature herself requires; for they scorn to be confined to any particular Way of Operation, viz. Hypnotically, by throwing the Party into a gentle Slumber; Hydrotically, by their Operative Faculty, in opening the Interstitia Pororum; Carthartically, by cleansing the Bowels of all Crudities and tartarous Mucilage, with which they abound; Proppysinatically, by forcing the Wind downward; Hydragogically, by exciting Urine; Pneumatically, by exhilirating the Spirits; and lastly, Synecdochically, by corroborating the whole Oeconomia Animalis. There are twenty or more in every Tin-Box, sealed with my Coat of Arms, which are, Three clyster Pipes erect, Gules, in a Field, Argent; my Crest, a bloody Hand out of a Mortar, Emergent; and my Supporters, a Chemist and an Apothecary. This Tinctura Solaris, or most noble Offspring of Hyperion's Golden Influence, wipes off abstersively all those tenacious, conglomerated, sedimental Sordes, that adhere to the Oesophagus and Viscera, extinguishes all supernatural Ferments and Ebullitions; and in fine, annihilates all the nosotrophical or morbific Ideas of the whole corporeal Compages. Thirdly, My Panagion Outacousticon, or auricular Restorative: Were it possible to show me a Man so deaf, that if a Demiculverin were to be let off under his Ear, he could not hear the Report, yet these infallible Drops, (first invented by the two famous Physician Brothers, St. Cosmus and St. Damian, called the Anargyri in the ancient Greek Menologies; and some forty Years ago, communicated to me by Anastasio Logotheti, a Greek Coloyr at Adrianople, when I was invited into those Parts to cure Sultan Mahomet iv of an Elephantiasis in his Diaphragm) he would recover his auditive Faculty, and hear as smartly as an old fumbling Priest, when a young Wench gives him account of her lost Maidenhead at the Confessional. Fourthly, My Anodyne Spirit, excellent to ease Pain, when taken inwardly, and applied outwardly, excellent for any Lameness, Shrinking or Contraction of the Nerves; for Eyes, Deafness, Pain and Noise in the Ears; and all odontatalgick, as well as podagrical Inflammations. Fifthly, My Antidote Antivenerialis; which effectually cures all Gonorrheas, Carnosities in the delinquent Part, tumors, Phymosis, Paraphymosis, Crystalline, Priapisms, Hemorrhoids, Cantillamata, Ragades, Bubos, Imposthumations, Carbuncles, genicular Nodes, and the like, without either Baths or Stoves as also without Mercury, so often destructive to the poor Patient, with that Privacy, that the nearest Relations shall not perceive it. Sixthly, My pectoral Lozenges, or Balsam of Balsams, which effectually carries off all windy and tedious Coughs, spitting of Blood, Wheezing in the Larynx and Pthyalismus, let it be never so inveterate. Seventhly, and lastly, My Pulvis Vermisugus, or Antevermatick Powder, brings up the Rear, so famous for killing and bringing away all sorts of Worms incident to human Bodies, breaking their complicated Knots in the Duodenum, and dissolving the phlegmatic Crudities that produce Anthropophagous' Vermin. It has brought away, by Urine, Worms as long as the Maypole in the Strand, when it flourished in its primitive Prolixity, though, I confess, not altogether so thick. In short, 'tis a specific Catholicon for the Colic, expels Winds by Eructation, or otherwise; accelerates Digestion, and creates an Appetite to a Miracle. I dexterously couch the Cataract or Suffusion, extirpate Wens of the greatest Magnitude, close up Hair-Lips, whether triple or quadruple; cure the Polipus upon the Nose, and all scrofulous tumors, Cancers in the Breast, Noli me tangeris, St. Anthony's Fire, by my new invented Unguentum Antipyreticum, Excrescences, or superfluous Flesh in the Mouth of the Bladder or Womb; likewise I take the Stone from Women or Maids without cutting. I have Steel-Trusses, and Instruments of a new Invention, together with neverfailing Medicines and Methods to cure Ruptures, and knit the Peritonaeum. And here I cannot forbear to communicate an useful Piece of Knowledge to the World, which is, that which the learned Villipandus, in his excellent Treatise, De congrubilitate materiae primae cum confession Augustana. I take a Rupture to be a Relaxation of the natural Cavities, at the bottom of the cremaster Muscles. But this, en p●ssant, I forge all myself, nay, my very Machine's for safe and easy drawing Teeth and obscure Stump. Mrs. Littlehand, Midwife to the Princess of Phlegeton, can sufficiently inform the Women of my Helps, and what I do for the Disruption of the Fundament and Uterus, and other strange Infirmities of the Matrix, occasioned by the bearing of Children, violent Coughing, heavy Work, etc. which I challenge any Person in the Acherontic Dominions to perform but myself. If any Woman be unwilling to speak to me, they may have the Conveniency of speaking to my Wife, who is expert in all feminine Distempers. She has an excellent Cosmetick Water, to carry off Freckles, Sun-burn, or Pimples; and a curious red Pomatum to plump and colour the Lips. She can make red Hair as white as a Lily; she shapes the Kickshaws to a Miracle; makes low Foreheads as high as you please; has a neverfailing Remedy for offensive Breathes, a famous Essence to correct the ill Scent of the Armpits, a rich Water that makes the Hair curl, a most delicate Paste to smooth and whiten the Hands; also, A rare Secret that takes away all Warts, From the Face, Hands, Fingers, and Privy-Parts. Those who are not able to come to me, let them send their Urine, especially that made after Midnight, and on sight of it, I will tell them what their Distemper is, and whether curable, or no. Nay, let a Man be in never so perfect Health of Body, his Constitution never so vigorous and athletical, if he shows me his Water, I can as infallibly predict what Distemper will first attack him, though perhaps it will be thirty or forty Years hence, as an Astronomer by the Rules of his Science, can foretell Solar or Lunar Eclipses the Year before they happen. I have predicted miraculous Things by the Pulse, far above any Philosopher. By it, I not only discover the Circumstances of the Body, but if the Party be a Woman, I can foretell how many Husbands and Children she shall have; if a Tradesman, whether his Wife will fortify his Forehead with Horns; and so of the rest. This is not all, but I will engage to tell any serious Persons what their Business is on every radical Figure, before they speak one Word; what has already happened to them from their very Infancy, down to the individual Hour of their consulting me; what their present Circumstances are; what will happen to them hereafter; in what part of the Body they have Moles; what Colour and Magnitude they are of; and lastly, how profited, that is, whether they calminate Equinoctially or Horizontally upon the Mesogastrium; from which Place alone, and no other, as the profound Trismegistus has observed before me, in his elaborate Treatise De erroribus Styli Gregoriani, all solid Conjectures are to be form. I have likewise attained to the green, golden, and black Dragon, known to none but Magicians and hermatick Philosophers; I tell the Meaning of all magical Panticles, Sigils, Charms and Lameness, and have a Glass and Help to further Marriage; and what is more, by my Learning and great Travels, I have obtained the true and perfect Seed and Blossom of the Female Fern; and infinitely improved that great Traveller Major John Coke's fomous Necklaces for breeding of Teeth. The Spring being already advanced, which is the properest Season for preventing new, and renewing old Distempers, neglect not this Opportunity— My Hours are from Nine till Twelve in the Morning, and from Two in the Afternoon till Nine at Night, every Day in the Week, except on the real Christian Sabbath, called Saturday. It may be of Use to keep this Advertisement. The HARANGUE of ROBERT WILMORE. Gentlemen and Ladies, BEHOLD this little Viol, which contains in its narrow Bounds, what the whole Universe cannot purchase, if sold to its true Value: This admirable, this miraculous Elixir, drawn from the Hearts of Mandrakes, Phoenix Livers, and Tongues of Mairmaids, and distilled by contracted Sunbeams, has besides the unknown Virtue of curing all Distempers both of Mind and Body, that Divine one of animating the Heart of Man to that Degree, that however remiss, cold and cowardly by Nature, he shall become Vigorous and Brave. O stupid and insensible Man! when Honour and secure Renown invites you, to treat it with Neglect, even when you need but passive Valour to become the Heroes of the Age; receive a thousand Wounds, each of which would let out fleeting Life; here's that can snatch the parting Soul in its full Career, and bring it back to its native Mansion, baffles grim Death, and disappoints even Fate. Gentlemen, If any of you here present was at Death's Door, here's this, my Divine Elixir will give you Life again: This Will recover whole Fields of Slain, And all the Dead shall rise and fight again. 'Twas this that made the Roman Legions numerous,, and now makes France so formidable; and this alone may be the Occasion of the Loss of Germany. Come, gentlemans, buy this Coward's Comfort, quickly buy: What Fop would be abused, mimicked and scorned, for fear of Wounds that can be so easily cured? Who is it would bear the Insolence and Pride of domineering great Men, proud Officers, or Magistrates? Or who would cringe to Statesmen out of Fear? What Cully would be cuckold? What foolish Heir undone by cheating Gamesters? What Lord would be Lampooned? What Poet fear the Malice of his Satirical Brother? Or Atheist fear to fight for Fear of Death? Come, buy my Coward's Comfort, quickly buy. Here, gentlemans, is my little Paper of Powder, whose Value surmounts that of Rocks of Diamonds, and Hills of Gold: 'Twas this made Venus a Goddess; and given her by Apollo; from her derived to Helen, and in the Sack of Troy lost, till recovered by me out of some Ruins of Asia. Come buy it, Ladies, you that would be Fair and wear eternal Youth; and you in whom the amorous Fire remains, when all the Charms are fled: You that dress Young and Gay, and would be thought so, that Patch and Paint, to fill up sometimes old Furrows on your Brows, and set yourselves for Conquest, though in vain; here's that which will give you aubern Hair, white Teeth, red Lips, and Dimples on your Cheeks: Come, buy it all you that are past betwitching, and would have handsome, young, and active Lovers. Come all you City Wives that would advance your Husbands to be Lord-Mayors, come, buy of me new Beauty: This will give it though now decayed, as are your Shop Commodities; this will retrieve your Customers, and vend your false and out-of-fashioned Wares: Cheat, lie, protest, and cozen as you please, a handsome Wife makes all a lawful Gain. Come, City Wives, come buy. Here is my famous Bottle of Powder, this is the Life and Soul of Man: This is the Amorous Powder which Venus made and gave the God of Love, which made him first a Deity: You talk of Arrows, Bows, and kill Darts; Fables, Poetical Fictions, and no more: 'Tis this alone that wounds and fires the Heart, makes Women kind, and equals Men to Gods; 'tis this that makes your Great Lady dote on the ill-favoured Fop; your Great Man be jilted by his little Mistress; the Judge cajoled by his Sempstress, and your Politician by his Comedian; your young Lady dote on her decrepit Husband; your Chaplain on my Lady's Waiting-Woman, and the young Woman, and the Squire on the Laundry-Maid. In fine, Sirs, 'Tis this that cures the Lover's Pain, And Celia of her cold Disdain. I need say nothing of my Divine Baths of Reformation, nor the Wonders of the old Oracle of the Box, which resolves all Questions which sufficiently declare. You that come to my Lodgings may have Advice Gratis: My Hours are from Eight to Twelve, and from Three to Six. LOPUS 's HARANGUE at Madrid. MOST illustrious Dons, and egregiously beautiful and Virtuous madonna's, with the rest of my gentle Friends and Auditors: Behold your humble most officious Servant Lopus, arrived from the most ancient and stately City of Saragosa, on purpose to make a Present of the wonderful Effects of his Physical and Chemical Arts to your fair Acceptance, in this most glorious and courtly Town of Madrid. I protest to you, gentlemans, I and my Wife, with all my Servants, are not able to make of this precious Oil you see in this Glass, half so fast as it is fetched away from my Lodgings, by Gentlemen and others of this famous Town; and sent for by many of the greatest Dukes and Condees of this much-celebrated Nation, some of which have detained me to their private and particular Use a while, since my Arrival, by their splendid Liberalities, and worthily; for what avails it your Rich Man to have his Cellars stuffed with the purest Grape, and his Tables furnished with the rarest Variety of dainty Acetes, when his Physicians prescribe him (on pain of Death) to drink nothing but Watergruel, or overstewed Herbs in a thin heartless Broth? O Health! the Blessing of the Rich! the Riches of the Poor! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate, since they cannot enjoy any Happiness in this World without thee? Be not then so sparing of your Purses, honourable Gentlemen, as to abridge the natural Course of your Lives; for when a humid Flux, or Catarrh, by the Mutability of the Air, falls from your Head into an Arm, or Shoulder, or any other Part, take you a Ducat or a Castilion of Gold, and apply it to the Place affected, and see what good it will do. No, no, it is this blessed Unguento, this rare Extraction, that only hath the Power to disperse all malignant Humours, from whatsoever ill-effected Causes they shall proceed. It has Power to fortify the most indigest and crude Stomach in the World, though it be of one that (through extreme Weakness) vomits Blood, applying only a warm Napkin to the Place, after the Unction and Fricace: For the Vertigo in the Head, putting but a Drop into your Nostrils, likewise behind your Ears; a most sovereign and approved Remedy; the Mal Caduco, Cramps, Convulsions, Paralyses, Epilepsies, Tremor Cordis, retired and shrunk Nerves, evil Vapours of the Spleen, stopping of the Liver, the Stone, the Strangury, Hernia Ventosa, Iliaca Passio; stops a Dysenteria, immediately easeth the Torsion of the small Guts; and cures Melancholia Hypochondriaca, being taken and applied according to my printed Receipt; for this is the Physician, this the Medicine, this counsels, this cures, this gives the Direction, this works the Effect, and, in sum, both together may be termed an Abstract of the Theoric and Practic in the Esculapian Art. The Price is but four Rials, that is the Price; and less I know, in courtesy, you cannot offer me, take it or leave it; howsoever, both I and it are at your Service. I ask you not near the Value of the Thing, for than I should ask you a thousand Ducats; so several Grandees and Grandeza's have given me: But I despise Money, only to show my Affection to you, Honourable Gentlemen, and this most inclyte Town. I have neglected the Messages of divers Princes and Nobles, and directed my Journey hither, only to present you with the Fruits of my Experience and Travels. I have here likewise a most inestimable Vegetable, which is equally to be valued with my Oil, of both which, if I had but Time to discourse to you, the miraculous Effects, with the countless Catalogue of those I have cured of the aforesaid, and many more Diseases; the Patents and Privileges of the most Catholic and Christian Kings, as also of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Christendom, or but the Depositions that have appeared on my Part, before the most learned College of Physicians, where I was authorised, upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments, and my own Excellency in Matter of rare and unknown Secrets, to disperse them publicly for the common Good; and though divers professed to have as good and experimented Receipts as myself; and have assayed to make both of this Oil and Water, bestowed great Cost in Furnaces, Stills, Alembics, continual Fires, and Preparation of Ingredients, (as indeed there goes to each of them six hundred several Simples at least,) yet they ever lost their Labour and Cost, both for Want of that large Talon of Knowledge, requisite to such a Work. For myself, I have always hunted after the most recondite Secrets; and to get them I have spared no Rest or Labour, but taken indefatigable Pains therein; insomuch, as Gentlemen, I will undertake (by Virtue of Chemical Art,) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head, to extract the four Elements, that is to say, Fire, Air, Water, and Earth, and return you the Felt without Burn or Stain; for whilst others have been at the Balloo, I have been at my Book, and am now past the craggy Parts of Study, and come to the flowery Plains of Honour and Reputation. Here is likewise a Powder concealed in this Paper, of which, if I should speak to the Worth, five thousand Volumes where but as one Page, that Page as a Line, that Line as a Word: So short is this Pilgrimage of Man, (which some call Life,) to the expressing of it; or, if I would reflect upon the Price, why, the whole World were but as an Empire, that Empire as a Province, that Province as a Bank, that Bank as a private Purse, to the Purchase of it: I will only tell you, it is the very Powder that made Venus a Goddess, (given her by Apollo,) that kept her perpetually Young, cleared her Wrinkles, firmed her Gums, filled her Skin, coloured her Hair; from her derived to Helen, and at the Sack of Troy unfortunately lost, till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary, out of some Ruins of Asia, who sent a Moiety of it to the Court of France; but much sophisticated; the rest at this present remains with me, extracted to a Quintessence; so that wherever it but touches in Youth, it perpetually preserves, in Age restores the Complexion, sets your Teeth as firm as a Wall, makes them white as Ivory, that were as black as Jet; and with the Addition of a most wonderful Bath, of my own Preparation, it will tinct a grey Hair a pure Auburn, and make it grow so; make you cast your old harsh Skin for one as fresh and smooth as Ladas, and so supple and quicken your Joints and Nerves, as but seldom using it, you shall ever enjoy your Juvenal Activities, Gusto's, and total Abilities, to the Admiration of all that formerly knew you. Many other rare Effects there are of this Powder and Bath, too tedious to reckon in this Place; but whosoever has a Mind to try them, if they please to repair to me at my Lodgings, shall be more particularly informed; only this I shall add at this present: This Powder, has likewise a wonderful Variety of Amorous Effects belonging to it, which are not here to be enumerated; and for my rare Oil, though I impart to the Rich for Money, I often Cure the Poor for God's sake. And so God preserve his most Catholic Majesty. The HARANGUE of the Famous SCOTO of Mantuano. Most noble Gout, and my worthy Patrons, IT may seem strange, that I, your Scoto Mantuano, who was ever wont to fix my Bank in Face of the public Piazza, near the shelter of the Portico, to the Procuratia, should now (after eight months' Absence from this illustrious City of Venice) humbly retire myself into an obscure Nook of the Piazza. Let me tell you, I am not (as your Lombard Proverb saith) cold on my Feet, or content to part with my Commodities at a cheaper rate, than I accustomed; look not for it. Nor that the calumnious Reports of that impudent Detractor, and Shame to our Profession, (Alessandro Buttone I mean,) who gave out in public, I was condemned o' Sforzato to the Galleys, for poisoning the Cardinal Bembo's— Cook, hath at all attacked, much less dejected me. No, no, worthy Gentlemen, (to tell you true,) I cannot endure to see the Rabble of these Ground Ciarlitanis, that spread their Cloaks on the Pavement, as if they meant to do Feats of Activity, and then come in lamely with their mouldy Tales out of Boccacio, like stolen Tabarine the Fabulist: Some of them discoursing their Travels, and of their tedious Captivity in the Turks Galleys, when indeed (were the Truth known) they were the Christian Galleys, where very temperately they eat Bread, and drunk Water as a wholesome Penance (enjoined them by their Confessors) for base Pilferies. These Turdy, facy, nasty, petty, lousy, farcical Rogues, with one poor Groat's Worth of unprepared Antimony, finely wrapped up in several Scartoccio's, are able, very well to kill their twenty a Week, and play; yet, these meager-starved Spirits, who have half stopped the Organs of their Minds with earthy Oppilations, want not their Favourers among your shrivelled, salad-eating Artisans; who are overjoyed, that they may have their Halfperth of Physic, though it purge 'em into another World, it makes no matter. Well, let 'em go: And Gentlemen, honourable Gentlemen, know, that for this Time, our Bank, being thus removed from the Clamours of the Canaglia, shall be the Scene of Pleasure and Delight: For, I have nothing to sell, little or nothing to sell. I protest, I, and my six Servants are not able to make of this precious Liquor, so fast as it is fetched away from my Lodging by Gentlemen of your City, Strangers of the Terrafirma, worshipful Merchants, ay, and Senators too, who ever since my arrival, have detained me to their Uses, by their splendidous Liberalities; and worthily: For, what avails your rich Man to have his Magazines stuffed with Moscadelly, or of the purest grape, when his Physicians prescribe him (on Pain of Death) to drink nothing but Water cocted with Aniseeds? O, health! health! the Blessing of the Rich! the Riches of the Poor! who can buy thee at too dear a Rate, since there is no enjoying this World without thee: Be not then so sparing of your Purses, honourable Gentlemen, as to abridge the natural Course of Life.— For, when a humid Flux, or Catarrh, by the Mutability of Air, falls from your Head into an Arm or Shoulder, or any other Part, take you a Ducat, or your Chequeen of Gold, and apply to the Place affected; see, what good Effect it can work? No, no, 'tis this blessed Unguento, this rare Extraction, that hath only Power to disperse all malignant Humours, that proceed, either of hot, cold, moist, or windy Causes.— To fortify the most indigest and crude Stomach, ay, were it of one that (through extreme Weakness) vomited Blood, applying only a warm Napkin to the Place after the Unction and Fricace; for the Vertigine in the Head, putting but a Drop into your Nostrils, likewise behind the Ears; a most sovereign and approved Remedy: The Malcaduco, Cramps, Convulsions, Paralyses, Epilepsies, Tremor-Cordia, retired Nerves; ill Vapours of the Spleen, Stopping of the Liver, the Stone, the Strangury, Hernia Ventosa, Iliaca Passio; stops a Dysenteria immediately; easeth the Torsion of the small Guts; and cures Melancholia Hypocondriaca, being taken and applied, according to my printed Receipt: Pointing to his Bill and his Glass. For, this is the Physician, this the Medicine; this Counsels, this Cures; this gives the Direction, this works the Effect: And (in sum) both together may be termed an abstract of the Theoric and Practic in the Aesculapian Art. 'Twill cost you eight Crowns. And, Zanthia Fritada, prithee sing a Verse extempore in Honour of it. SONG. HAD old Hypocrates or Galen, (That to their Books put Medicines all in) But known this Secret, they had never (Of which they will be guilty ever) Been murderers of so much Paper, Or wasted many a hurtless taper: No Indian Drug had e'er been famed, Tobacco, Sassafras not named; No yet, of Guacum one small stick, Sir, Nor Raymund Lullies' great Elixir. Nor had been known the Danish Gonswart, Or Paracelsus, with his long Sword. No more. Gentlemen, if I had but Time to discourse to you the miraculous Effects of this my Oil, surnamed Oglio del Scoto, with the countless Catalogue of those I have cured of the aforesaid, and many more Diseases; the Patents and Privileges of all the Princes and Commonwealths of Christendom; or but the Depositions of those that appeared on my Part before the Signiory of the Sanit●, and most learned College of Physicians, where I was authorized, upon Notice taken of the admirable Virtues of my Medicaments, and mine own Excellency in Matter of rare and unknown Secrets, not only to disperse them publicly in this famous City, but in all the Territories that happily joy under the Government of the most pious and magnificent States of Italy. But may some other gallant Fellow say, Oh! there be divers that make Profession to have as good and as experimented Receipts as yours: Indeed, very many have assayed, like Apes, in Imitation of that which is really and essentially in me, to make of this Oil; bestowed great Cost in Furnaces, Stills, Alembics, continual Fires, and Preparation of the Ingredients, (as indeed there goes to it six hundred several Simples, besides some Quantity of human Fat, for the Conglutination, which we buy of the Anatomists;) but when these Practitioners come to the last Decoction, blow, blow, puff, puff, and all flies in Fumo! Ha', ha', ha', poor Wretches! I rather pity their Folly and Indiscretion, than their Loss of Time and Money; for those may be recovered by Industry; but to be a Fool born, is a Disease incurable. For myself, I always from my Youth have endeavoured to get the rarest Secrets, and book them, either in Exchange, or for Money: I spared not Cost nor Labour, where any Thing was worthy to be learned. And Gentlemen, honourable Gentlemen, I will undertake (by Virtue of Chemical Art,) out of the Honourable Hat that covers your Head, to extract the four Elements, that is to say, the Fire, Air, Water, and Earth, and return you your Felt without Burn or Stain; for whilst others have been at the Balloe, I have been at my Book, and am now past the craggy Parts of Study, and come to the flowery Plains of Honour and Reputation. But to our Price: You all know (honourable Gentlemen) I never valued this Ampulla, or Villa, at less than eight Crowns, but for this Time I am content to be deprived of it for six; six Crowns is the Price; and less, in courtesy, I know you cannot offer me, take it or leave it; howsoever, both it and I am at your Service. I ask you not as the Value of the Thing, for than I should demand of you a thousand Crowns; so the Cardinals Montalto, Farnese, the Great Duke of Tuscany, my Gossip, with divers other Princes, have given me; but I despise Money: Only to sh●w my Affection to you, honourable Gentlemen, and your illustrious State here, I have neglected the Messages of these Princes; mine own Offices framed my Journey hither, only to present you with the Fruits of my Travels. Tune your Voices once more to the Touch of your Instruments, and give the honourable Assembly some delightful Recreations. SONG. YOU that would last long, list to my Song, Make no more Coil, but buy of this Oil, Would you be ever fair and young, Stout of Teeth, and strong of Tongue; Tart of Palate, quick of Ear; Sharp of Sight, of Nestril clear; Moist of Hand, and light of Foot; (Or I will come nearer to't,) Would you live free from all Diseases, Do the Act your Mistress pleases; Yea fright all Aches from your Bones; Here's a Medicine for the Nones. Well, I am in a Humour (at this Time) to make a Present of the small Quantity my Coffer contains; to the Rich in courtefy, and to the Poor for God's sake. Wherefore now mark; I asked you six Crowns; and six Crowns at other Times you have paid me: You shall not give me six Crowns, nor five, nor four, nor three, nor two, nor one, nor half a Ducat, no, nor a Muccinigo; Sixpence it will cost you, or six hundred Pound:— Expect no lower Price; for by the Banner of my Front, I will not bate a Bagatine; that I will have only as a Pledge of your Loves, to carry something from amongst you, to show I am not contemned by you. Therefore now toss your Handkerchiefs cheerfully, cheerfully; and be advertized, that the first heroic Spirit that deigns to grace me with a Handkerchief, I will give it a little Remembrance of something beside, shall please it better than if I had presented it with a double Pistolet. Lady, I kiss your Bounty; Celia at the Window throws down her Handkerchief. and for this timely Grace you have done your poor Scoto of Mantua, I will return you over and above, my Oil, a Secret of that high and inestimable Nature, shall make you for ever enamoured on that Minute, wherein your Eye first descended on so mean (yet not altogether to be despised) an Object. Here is a Powder concealed in this Paper, of which, if I should speak to the Worth, nine thousand Volumes where but as one Page, that Page as a Line, that Line as a Word: So short is this Pilgrimage of Man, (which some call Life,) to the expressing of it: Would I reflect upon the Price, why, the whole World were but as an Empire, that Empire as a Province, that Province as a Bank, that as a private Purse, to the Purchase of it: I will only tell you, it is the Powder that made Venus a Goddess, (given her by Apollo,) that kept her perpetually Young, cleared her Wrinkles, firmed her Gums, filled her Skin, coloured her Hair; from her derived to Helen, and at the Sack of Troy (unfortunately) lost, till now in this our Age it was as happily recovered by a studious Antiquary out of some Ruins of Asia, who sent a Moiety of it to the Court of France, (but much sophisticated,) wherewith the Ladies there now colour their Hair; the rest (at this present) remains with me, extracted to a Quintessence; so that wherever it but touches in Youth, it perpetually preserves; in Age restores the Complexion, seats your Teeth, did they dance like virginal Jacks, firm as a Wall, makes them white as Ivory that were black as— FINIS.