THE Hawkers Lamentation IN A DIALOGUE BETWEEN neck and humphrey.  Nicholas 
AH! humphrey what shall we do now? we are utterly undone, our Trade is quiter spoiled, all the News is laid down: The Mercurys, the Intelligences, the Courants, the Loyal, and the Impartials, all's gone, Vanished of a sudden; Prithee what dost think of it? we may now go Hang ourselves.  Hump. 
Think! I know not what to think, I'll go and get some body to writ our Lamentation, or make a Balad and set it to some Lamentable Tune, and Sing it myself; Sure the People will buy it out of mere commiseration; for we have served them faithfully, trudged through thiek and thin, in Fair and Foul Weather, Rain and Snow, brought them News of all sorts and sizes, cut an dried, to their Doors, we had them ready for every Party, for the Torys what would please them, for the Whiggs what would Tickle them; Loyalty, Treason, Truth, lies, Orthodox, Sedition, shuffl'd together for all Customers: well a day, and all this gone of a sudden.  neck. 
They never think what we Poor Men shall do, to put us by our Lawful Vocations, getting our Penny hardly, by the waisting of Lungs, Sucking in the Foggy Air of November: Do they intend we shall full to Picking of Purses?  Hump. 
That we did before, but it was in a lawful way: well, I say, would there were an Act for licensing again, then for the half Crown charge we might cry again all sorts of lies with Authority. Well Friend neck, I thought not to have seen this day: The Loyal Thompson is also fallen with the rest: I thought he might have held up, I have got many a Penny by him. Nay, the Papistical Pamphlets begin to flag: We have now no way left but to our Prayers, I say neck to your Prayers, that the Pope and the Devil would put it into the Hearts of the Papists to beget another Plot; that would do our business.  neck 
Nay that was well thought of, we have got sweetly by the late Popish Plot, it was a most certain income to us, and well improved. It is an ill Wind that blows no body good, it is good Fishing in troubled Waters; but the longest day I see will have an end; who ever suffered, we got a livelihood, and therefore since it is Interest that Sways the World, I know not why we should not Pray to have a livelihood, for truly Knaves and Fools being the most numerous, we got sweetly by them.  Hump. 
You say right Friend, for I never got any thing by a Wiseman in my Life; I always went empty handed from their Doors. But what say you to a Presbyterian Plot.  neck. 
Nay any Plot in the World, tho it were but a Plot of the Apprentices, or of the Butchers to burn the Pope, there would be Money got by it, the very name of a Plot would be a Revenue to us, let it be true or false.  Hump. 
We got well enough by the Presbyterian Plot, let me tell you, pro and Con, either side brought in the Penny. But they say they will not suffer the Pope to be Burnt any more.  neck. 
Well if they but Hang him in Effigies, we shall have some three half penny Poet or other make a copy of Verses, or a Dialogue of it, and we shall get by it.  Hump. 
What think you of Inventing one among ourselves of the great Turk, and the French King, they say they have a very great Plot in Hand against christendom.  neck. 
I like it well, provided we could bring this Plot into England; can't we get two Friends to sand to some of your out-Lyers to sand us this Plot out of Holland, there would be Fools enough to believe and buy it, and we should be sure to get Money enough by it.  Hump. 
Why truly Friend Nicholas, I see you understand whats what, and you talk like many of our Coffee-house Statesmen; any thing I say for an honest livelihood. Are not you acquainted with some Familiar?  neck. 
Familiar! Bless us! What mean you: I have no Trade or Commerce with the Devil, I would not willingly give my Soul to beelzeebub neither, nor go a hawking after his Imps to get a Penny: I have some conscience Brother.  Hump. 
You mistake me, I mean acquainted with those that writ Dialogues between the Pope and the Devil, and were so well acquainted with the Language of Hell; why all their words smelled of Brimstone, and they were as Familiar with Lucifer, as if they had-been his Secretaries, for a matter of Eighteen Pence, one of these Familiars would writ us a Dialogue and discover all the intrigues of the Cabal both of Hell and Rome, and raise up the Ghost of some new Hellish Plot that would get us money.  neck. 
If that be it you mean, I am for you, I know a certain Ragamuffin-that lives by gnawing of moldy Cheese like a Ratt, and he may be dealt with on that occasion.  Hump. 
And he shall be our great Apollo.  neck. 
But Friend humphrey, may I ask you without offence, what religion you are of.  Hump. 
Religion! I am of the Religion that most Men are of, the Religion that's uppermost: Interest and Gain; dost not thou see it plainly the Religion of wiser Men than we are? what dost talk so Ridiculously of Conscience or Religion; is it for us to busy ourselves with those matters? they are beyond our comprehension: Let us do as others do, be of all Religions, of every Faction, and really of none, for when gain fails, there lies both Religion and Faction too in the Dirt, they shrink their Necks out of the yoke, and seek to save their Bacon. What's become of the crowds that use to fill the Coffee-houses? our Trade began to dwindle before this great downfall, it was but a bad Omen.  neck. 
You speak profoundly, see what it is to converse with Men. Well, I never was of any Faction in my Life, of no Party, Church or Religion, but I knew my Customers: Here Sir said I, here is a most excellent Tory Song, a most Rare Dialogue between two Parters, of the little Man you wot of: Here is a satyric and span New copy of Verses Hot out of Thompsons Press, concerning the Whiggs Plot: Here is a Pipeing Hot peace of Tory Loyalty; and here is a secret Pamphlet with a Vizard on't, wrote by a jesuit: Then to another Customer, out of my other Budget, Oh Sir, here is an Impartial Intelligence, great News of a New Plot at Rome: Here is a no Presbyterian Plot Printed in cornhill: Here is Dick J— News; here is a packet, and a witty Courant. Here is my Lord— Vindication, the Noble Peers Speech. Here is a little Pamphlet full of Loyalty and Treason, keep that secret, it comes by the Penny-Post, come Sir quickly, I am in hast, my Fellows will be before me and spoil my Market. O. Hump. These were Golden days, but they are gone, and nothing now must be fold but Loyalty.  Hump. 
Pray therefore good neck for another Plot, for we shall starve by Truth and Loyalty. Alas! the L— gazette I am afraid won't find us Bread and Cheese. I say we have got more by the Pope and the Devil, than ever we shall get by all the Loyalty in christendom, and so farewell.   

LONDON, Printed for Langley Curtis, 168●.