〈◇〉 humorous Tricks and Conceits of Prince ROBERTS Malignant She-Monkey. EVery maid, nay every whore, in expectation by her good carriage to obtain a husband, will behave themselves in a very demure manner, and couzen the Devil with hypocritical modesty; But Prince Roberts Monkey having not so much policy as her Master, laid her self so open to the view of the world; that every one without peeping might ●●ok upon, nay into the Monkey, so that her bad looks and deformed vi●●ge, and the mad malignant tricks which she played in the flower of her ●outh made her despair of a husband, and to remain uncourted, much ●ore unmarried in regard of her vicious malignity of her tricks and qua●●ies, she having no portion to guild over these faults or tricks following: ●irst, she was always unconstant changing her affection, oftener then her ●●ock, and it is supposed that she learnt her giddy actions either from ●rownists, or her half cosins, which are Baboones: And when as maids ●ould simper and dissemble there desires, this Monkey had a feverish ●●ngue and a feverish tail, she would eat no oatmeal nor lome of walls ●o cure her green infirmity, but the longest whitest sugar plums she could ●ut in her mouth were most delightful to her taste, and had such a ravi●ous appetite to fruit that she would swallow all but the stones, and having ●otten a delectable bit in her mouth( according to the manner of monkeys, ●●e would onely suck the juice out of it and then spit out the rest; as if she ●ad had no more teeth then are in the gums of an old parish Midwife. And because she was always a loose bodied thing, and desirous to have been ●ragling all mad to have lost her maiden-head, therefore she was tied to ●he nave of a wheel, so fast that an Italian padlock could not keep a Mon●ey more safe and close from others handling; moreover this Monkey was and is by nature a notable plunderer not onely of studies and closerts ●nto which if she got she would tear the books, spill the ink, and eat the ●weetmeats, but many times under the colour of love or rather lust, this Monkey in familiar manner sitting by her sweet-hearts would plunder and pick their pockets, which was indeed a very base fault, and a who●● trick: when she was not above fifteen yeers old, an old man that was wrinkled and deformed as her self came a wooing to her; and this she Monkey,( having learnt to plunder from Prince Robert plunderd the po●● old Gentleman of all his Rings, of his Watch and of his Purse that 〈◇〉 in his pocket, and would never so much as open her mouth to give hi● any satisfaction or thanks for it, so that the old Gentleman paid de●●ly for his wooing, and had onely a sensible feeling of the Monkey, an● her malignant tricks, this Monkey also hath plundered many a young m●● that stood for the Cause, and hath got from them scarves, gloves, bodkins, Rings and other commodities, and is more insatiate then the city Lottery, for bring in what you will if this Monkey once get hold of it, she will not part with a pin-till till her own turn be satisfied, which was a greedy humour and a trick that a longtime spoiled this Monkeys marriage, moreove● this Monkey was always a cunning juggler, so that when Souldiers ha● received their pay, when there hands were in her placket, her hands woul● be in there pockets, and though they felt the Monkey at the very same instant, yet they had not the power to take such sure hold of her as to carry her before a Magistrate, but she would cunningly slip away from them and leave them no money in their pockets, nor any thing in their hands but a rusty musket or a pike, for she would get away to bed and laugh next day with open mouth to think how she had gulled the souldiers, so that the souldiers cried a pox on this money, we can never keep any money for this She Monkey. If she went to Church she was always close veiled like a Nun, and when she was in the most holy picture of praying, though her mouth many times opened, yet she could not pray by the spirit but would hold her peace or else the desires of her mumping mind were that such or such a young man were preaching in her pulpit, and indeed many Schollers and preachers after service was done did love to handle the Monkey better then they did their text, and it is thought that some of them would never have married if it had not been for love of the Monkey. But amongst other tricks that hindered this Monkeys marriage, that was one chief matter, she could never keep her legs together, but would throw them abroad in such an obscene manner, that any of the cavaliers with a Carbine charged with two bullets might easily enter her maiden Fort, rifle all the treasures of her virginity, and come off safe and sound with a pox to them, and so she would be revenged of her enemies; for many of the Caveleers that were malignants to the Parliament, were more beaten and foiled by this Monkey then by all their forces, so that their bones in the language of diseases cried peccavi, or a pox of Prince Roberts malignant Monkey. Her last trick was a very bad quality, and that was, when she was drunk she would let any one take up her smock, if she had it, and so discover her Monkey. Well, every dog hath his day, and every Monkey may get her match. It fortuned, that Cupid, to be revenged of the cavaliers in Oxford, made him cast his eye, and with it his affection upon this Monkey, and though he could not find any particular good quality in her, yet he loved her exceedingly in the whole, and most especially he doted upon her Monkey; after this, wooe her he did, and still when he was on horseback, or on on footback, he still thought upon his Monkey; once he drew out his sword at Grises tavern in Oxford, and the close shutting of the oyster, and the opening of it afterward, made him think of his beloved Monkey; then he would drink healths, and swear( God dam me) you shall pledge my Monkey, she is my mistress, fill it all out Sir: But one day the cavalier having with too much familiarity angered the Monkey, she bit him very shrewdly, so that the cavalier grew exceeding sick, and afterward when he was recovered, he made this conceit on his Monkeys displeasure, and biting bitterness: Monkey, nay fie, Why dost thou frown on me? And will thy countenance never better be. A pox upon thee and thy false fair looks, In stead of favours thou givest me French knocks. But love is a fire not to be quenched, for as soon as the hot Cavaleere was grown cool and healthful, he desired again to be dealing with his Monkey, and drew a long Letter, the Contents whereof pleased her exceeding well, so that she resolved to be fast joined in Matrimony to the Cavaleere, and the Cavaleere thought to cock his Carbine, and match his Monkey. The wedding day was appointed to be kept in Nullibi college or Broadgates Hall, a Dinner was provided, but the Monkey sat all dinner time very demure, and was so possessed with the strong imagination of what shall be done at night, so that she could not eat a bit, but smiled inwardly to her self, to think how the Cavaleere would tickle her Money; when dinner was done the Monkey& the C●valeers dance to the tune of jump to thy Cousin and kiss, and the Mon●● was so heated with dancing, that she was ready to have dropped her m●●denhead upon the rushes: Well, the cavaliers restend, and toyed with the Monkey, that sat simpering, with a watering mouth, to think of the pleasures she should enjoy at night. At last night, being looked for, came and the cavalier, and the Monkey were with great Ceremony brought into their chamber, and when they were in bed all the company left them And now the cavalier like a blushfull Scholar did his acts in his tenebr●● and what they were you must imagine, suppose them now at there midnight sport, which be done over and under again; they were early in the morning saluted by this song composed by a Scholar of Oxford on the marriage of the Monkey and the cavalier. No blushing fair, nor morning read, Peep through your curtains closely spread, Prince Roberts Monkey that long tarried, Is to a Caveleree married: So wrinkled, so wondrous wrinkled, And of such a comely grace, When she is naked, I dare be baked If the devil himself have such a face. Sheele gape widely and mop and mow, And is hairy above and below, And if she get a bit doth like her The Monkey is an errand striker, So wrinkled, so wondrous wrinkled, And of such a comely grace, When she is naked, I dare be baked If the devil have such a face. The next day the Scholars of Oxford made many Epithalanions in praise of the Monkey. And after they had made this song they gave it to the cavaliers, who sung it to a merry new tune called the Monkey, Prince Roberts Monkey is a toy, That doth exceed his dog called Boy, Which through dogged folly, Both barks and bites, But this delights The Prince when's melancholy. He puts Sweetmeats and sugar plumbs, Into his Monkeys toothless Gumbs Which open like an Oyster, For he doth esteem A wench I mean; More then a Nun in cloister, And tell his Caveleeroes bold, That live at Oxford uncontrold, When as they are half drunkish, Their heat to quench, Weele have a wench That lusty is and Monkish. All happiness and joy betid, unto the Monkey now a Bride; Whose maidenhead was minsty, Her hey nonny no Was moldy also, Till she married a cavalier lusty. But this same cavalier did trounce her, And with his Petronell did bounce her, And when he was half drunkish, He made her sport And entred the fort, That lusty was and ●onkish. After the wedding night had been spent in the sweet contents of love, ●he Cavaleere rose out of his bed from his hellish Venus, being worse beaten, and more sore and weak in his back and joints, then ever he was when he was beaten at Warwick, or any other Town from whence the cavaliers were repulsed: he thought the devil had been in the Monkey, that could make him so weak, so wondrous weak, as if he had lost all the blood in his body; whereupon he resolved to favour himself hereafter, and not to come on in such a furious manner, and endanger the breaking of his Carbine, or firing it in the Monkeys touchole: so he went poor Cavaleere to get a Caudle made, and took many restoratives to fortify his back again, intending to keep a good while out of his Monkeys mouth, having been so shrewdly bitten on his wedding night. Now while the Cavaleere endeavoured to recover his strength again, the Monkey after she was married, began to play the second part of malignant ttricks: And first, she began to straggle abroad, and when she got loose, she would run to one tavern or other with her Gossips, and there they would sit and drink, and condemn their husbands for being too slacken in pleasing their Monkeys. For you must now suppose the Monkey was mad, because the Cavaleere did forbear to come on as he was wont to do; and because she would make the Cavaleere mad, she set a Cullender by her bed side, when she had occasion to make water, she took it and made her distillations therein, so that all her urine ran about the bed, and the Cavaleere lay souced in the Monkey salt pickle, so that her husband being extremely vexed after he had sworn two or three oaths, and 〈◇〉 many farts he leaped out of bed, and left the Monkey to cool herself in the empty bed, but her bed was not long empty; for after the cavalier was gone, a Scholar of Oxford had a great desire to leave off poring in his book, and instead of plodding on the deep liberal Sciences, he had, mind to peep into the Monkeys black Art or Arse, and so accord as to former appointment the Scholar thought to have about with the Monkeys Nunquam Jatis, and thereupon slipped of his breeches and slipped into bed, and so the Scholar perfectly performed his Acts, and came off with 〈◇〉 and so betimes in the morning took his vale of the Monkey. But 〈◇〉 behold the last and most devilish malignant trick that the Monkey 〈◇〉 which she performed in this manner. It chanced that after the Cav had a long time forborn the Monkeys bed;( as was formerly related 〈…〉 young Scholar of Oxford make him Cornutus, and afterward the next 〈◇〉 that they fell out, she discharged her malice against him in many w which flew as thick as hail shot, and and at last she discharged a bullet that hit the cavalier in the heart, telling him that although they had b●●● married but three days, she had not been idle but had made him as a a cuckolded as any in Oxford or in London, when the cavalier heard 〈◇〉 he swore Dammee, Dammee, Dammee this Monkey is a Devil, she al broken my back in the wedding night, and now she hath turned a Cava into a cuckolded, I am horn mad, I am worse now then a Round head, I will be revenged upon her for making me a City cavalier or Cucko●● I will therefore go to the Tavern, be drunk, and writ verses against all whole generation of Shee-Monkeys. This Monkey married and in 3 dayes space She called her husband cuckolded to his face, The cavalier was vexed, and thus he says Ha Drab, miscall thy husband in 3 dayes, A cuckolded( quoth she) may be cavalier Made in 3 days as well as in 3 year, For many have been Cuckolds, 'tis known well Twenty yeers, yet their wives dare not them tell, If every wife would so kind hearted be Husbands would nere be troubled with jealousy. The cavaliers reply to his whorish Monkey. Monkey since thou dost prove unkind, And false, mayst thou still be blind: And have no eyes, but at noon day Grope and let others find thy way, May thy mouth for anger grin When thou growest unfit for sin: And at last when as the hair Doth forsake it grow stark bare; A wretched thing, and onely good for That thou canst use it when thou g The Monkeys excuse to her Husb the abused cavalier. Good cavalier, if that I have off Pardon my fault which cannot now be 〈◇〉 For in my chamber, or else in my bed Ile keep close till my grief be s●● 〈◇〉 And know your M. now her fault doth 〈◇〉 And in a white smock she will penance 〈◇〉 Little Sir Roger never more shall be 〈◇〉 In my books, nor attain the ●●●st dog Of favour, then good cavalier be fr●● With you poor M. als well that well 〈◇〉 FINIS.