FRIENDSHIP IN FASHION. A COMEDY, As it is Acted at his Royal Highness the Dukes Theatre.  
Written by THOMAS OTWAY.  
Archilochum Rabies armavit Iambo.  
licensed May 31. 1678. Roger L'Estrange.  
LONDON, Printed by E. F. for Richard Tonson, at his Shop within Grays-Inn-Gate, next Grays-Inn-Lane, 1678.   

To the Right Honourable CHARLES Earl of DORSET and MIDDLESEX, Gentleman of his MAJESTIES Bed-Chamber, &c.  
My Lord,  
YOur Lordship has so often and so highly obliged me, that I cannot but condemn myself for giving you a trouble so Impertinent, as this is: Considering how remiss I have been in my respects to your Lordship, in that I have not waited on you so frequently as the duty I owe your Lordship and my own Inclinations required; But the Circumstances of my Condition, whose daily business must be daily Bread, have not, nor will allow me that happiness: Be pleased then my Lord to accept this humble dedication as an Instance of his Gratitude, who in a high measure owes his well-being to you. I cannot doubt but your Lordship will protect it, for nothing ever flew to you for succour unsuccessfully, I am sure I have reason to aclowledge it. As for the unluckey censures some have past upon me for this Play, I hope your Lordship will believe I hardly deserve' em. For to my best remembrance, when first I was accused of the thing by some people of the World, who had perhaps as little reason to think I could be guilty of it, as to believe themselves deserved it, I made it my business to clear myself to your Lordship, whose good opinion is dearer to me then any thing which my worst Enemies can wrong me of else; I hope I convinced your Lordship of my Innocence in the matter, which I would not have endeavoured, had it not been Just. For I thank my Stars I know myself better then( for all the Threats some have been pleased to bestow upon me) to tell a lye to save my Throat. Forgive me my Lord this trouble, continue me in your Lordships favour and good opinion, and accept of the Prayers and well-wishes of  
Your most Humble, and most Obliged Servant, Thomas Otway.   

THE PROLOGUE, Spoken by Mr. Smith.  
HOW hard a task hath that poor drudge of Stage,  
That strives to please in this fantastic Age?  
It is a thing so difficult to hit,  
That he's a Fool that thinks to do't by Wit;  
Therefore our Author bad me plainly say,  
You must not look for any in his Play.  
I'th' next place, Ladies, there's no Bawdy in't,  
No not so much as one well-meaning hint;  
Nay more, 'twas written every word he says  
On strictest Vigils and on Fasting Days,  
When he his Flesh to Pennance did enjoin,  
Nay took such care to work it chast and fine,  
He Dissiplin'd himself at every Line.  
Then Gentlemen no Libel he intends,  
Tho some have striven to wrong him with his Friends;  
And Poets have so very few of those,  
theyed need take care whose favour 'tis they lose:  
Who'd be a Poet? Parents all beware,  
Cherish and Educate your Sons with care;  
Breed 'em to wholesome Law, or give 'em Trades,  
Let 'em not follow th' Muses, they are Jades:  
How many very hopeful rising Citts  
Have we of late known spoiled by turning Wits?  
Poets by critics are worse treated here,  
Then on the Bank-side Butchers do a Bear.  
Faith Sirs be kind, since now his time is come,  
When he must stand or fall as you shall doom:  
Give him Bear-Garden Law, that's fair play for't,  
And he's content for one, to make you sport.   


The Actors Names.  
Goodvile.  
Truman.  
Valentine.  
Sir Noble Clumsey.  
Malagene.  
Caper.  
Saunter.  
Mr. Betterton.  
Mr. Smith.  
Mr. Harris.  
Mr. Underhill.  
Mr. Leigh.  
Mr. Jevon.  
Mr. Bowman.   

Women.  
Mrs. Goodvile.  
Victoria.  
Camillia.  
Lady Squeamish.  
lettuce.  
Bridget.  
Mrs. Barrey.  
Mrs. Gibbs.  
Mrs. Price.  
Mrs. Guin.  
Mrs. Seymour.  
Mrs.—    

FRIENDSHIP IN FASHION.  

Act I. Scene, The Mall.  Truman reading a Billet, and Servant. Trum. 
IN a Vizor say you?  serve. 
Yes, Sir, and as soon as she had delivered it, without any thing more, gave the word to the Coachman, drew up the Tin lettuce and away she hurried.  Trum. 
The meaning of a Billet of this nature without a Name is a Riddle to me.— Reads.  
You know me and see me often, I wish I may never see you more, except you knew better where to place your Love, or I were abler to govern mine: As you are a Gentleman, burn this so soon as it comes to your hands.—  
Adieu.  
Well, this can be no other then some staunch virtue of 35. that is just now fallen under the Temptation, or what is as bad, one of those Cautious Dealers that never venture but in Masquerade, where they are sure to be wondrous kind, tho' they discover no more to the Lover then he has just occasion to make use of.  Enter Goodvile and Valentine. Val. 
Truman, Good morrow, just out of your Lodging? but that I know thee better, I should swear thou hadst resolved to spend this day in Humiliation and Repentance for the sins of the last.  Goodv. 
I beg your pardon! Some Lady has taken up your time. Thou canst no more rise in a Morning without a Wench, then thou canst go to Bed at Night without a Bottle. Truman, wilt thou never leave whoring?  Trum. 
Peace, Matrimony, peace— speak more reverently of your dearly beloved whoring. Valentine, he is the mere Spirit of hypocrisy— h'ad hardly been married Ten Days, but he left his Wife to go home from the Play alone in her Coach, whilst he debauched me with two Vizors in a Hackney to Supper.  Val. 
Truly Goodvile, that was very civil, and may come to something— But Gentlemen it begins to grow late. Where shall we Dine?  Trum. 
Where you will, I am indifferent.  Goodv. 
And I.  Val. 
I had appointed to meet at Chatolins, but—  true. 
With whom?  Val. 
Why, your Cousin Malagene Goodvil.  Goodv. 
Valentine, Thou art too much with that fellow.  
'tis true indeed he is some relation to me, but 'tis such a lying Varlet, there is no enduring of him.  Val. 
But Rogues and Fools are so very plenty 'tis hard always to escape' em.  Trum. 
Besides he dares be no more a Friend then a Foe, he never spoken well of any man behind his back, nor ill before his face: he is a general Disperser of nauseous scandal tho' it be of his own Mother or Sister, prithee let's avoid him if we can to day.  Goovd. 
'twill be almost impossible, for he is as impudent as he is troublesome; as there is no Company so ill but he'l keep, so there is none so good but he'l pretend to. If he has ever seen you once, he'l be sure of you: And if he knows where you are, he's no more to be kept out of your Room, then you can keep him out of your Debt.  Val. 
He came where I was last Night roaring drunk: swore Dam him, he had been with my Lord such a one, and had swallowed three quarts of champaign for his share, said he had much ado to get away, but came then particularly to drink a Bottle with me: I was forced to promise him I would meet him to day, to get rid of him.  Goodv. 
Faith Gentlemen, let us all go dine at my house: I have snubb'd him of late, and he'l hardly venture that way so soon again: At Night I'll promise you good Company, my Wife( for I allow her for my own sake what freedom she pleases) has sent for the Fiddles to come.  Trum. 
Goodvile, If there be any such thing as ease in Matrimony, thou hast it: But methinks, there's as it were a Mark upon married men that makes 'em as distinguishable from one of us as your Jews are from the rest of Mankind.  Goodv. 
Oh there are pleasures you dream not of: he is onely confined by it that will be so: A man may make his Condition as easy as he pleases.— Mine is such a fond wanton Ape, I never come home, but she entertains me with fresh kindness: and Jack when I have been hunting for Game with you, and missed of an Opportunity, stops a Gap well enough.  Trum. 
There's no Condition so wretched but has its reserve: Your Spaniel turned out of doors goes contentedly to his Kennel. Your beggar when he can get no better lodging, knows his old warm Bush; and your married Whore-master that misses of his Wench, goes honestly home, and there's Madam Wife.— But Goodvile, who are to be the Company at Night?  Goodv. 
In the first place, my Cousin Victoria your Idol, Jack Truman; then Mr. Valentine, there will be the charming Camilla, and another that never fails upon such an occasion, the unimitable Lady Squeamish.  Trum. 
That indeed is a worthy person, a great critic forsooth; one that censures Plays, and takes it very ill she has none dedicated to her yet, a constant frequenter of all Masquerades and public Meetings, a perfect Coquet, very affencted, and something old.  Val. 
Discourses readily of all the Love Intrigues of the Court and Town, a strange Admirer of Accomplishments and good breeding as she calls it; a restless Dancer: one that by her good will would never be out of motion.  Trum. 
How Valentine! you were once a great Admirer there, have a care, how you speak too harshly of your Mistress, though the business be over. You stand well with the Ladies yet, and are held a man of principles.  Goodv. 
That indeed is a fine Creature. Your old harassed Stager has always some such resty Whore-master or another, whom she makes the best of her despair withall, and after being forsaken by half the Town besides, comforts her self in her man of principles. But now I think on't, we delay too long. I'll go before and prepare: Gentlemen you'l be sure to follow?  Trum. 
Sir, wee'l not fail to wait on you. Exit Goodvile.  
Boy! is the Coach ready? Valentine! I have had the oddest adventure this Morning— ha— Malagene!  Enter Malagene. 
How came he hither?  Mal. 
Jack Truman, Monsieur Valentine, bon jour— was not that Goodvile I met coming in— ha?  Val. 
Yes, he partend hence but now.  Mal. 
Faith I'll tell ye what Gentlemen, Goodvile's a very honest Fellow as can be, but he and I are fallen out of late, though faith 'twas none of my seeking.  Trum. 
No, I'll be sworn for thee, thou lov'st thyself better.  Val. 
Pray, what was the matter Malagene?  Mal. 
Why I was advising him to look after things better at home. The Fellow has married a young Wife, and there he lets her make Balls and give Entertainments. I was very free with him and  told him of it to the purpose: for saith I should be sorry to see any ill come on't, very sorry.  Trum. 
But hark ye Malagene, Goodvile's a sort of a surly Companion, and apt to have so good an Opinion of himself, that he is able to manage Affairs without your advice: He might have been very severe with you upon this occasion.  Malag. 
Severe with me! I thank you for that with all my heart, That had been the way to have made a fine piece of work on't indeed! Hark ye,( under the Rose) he's sweetly sitted with my Cousin though.  Val. 
Pray, Sir, speak with more respect: We are his friends, and not prepared to relish any of your satire at present.  Malag. 
O Lord Sir! I beg your pardon, you are a new acquaintance there, I remember, and may design an Interest. Faith Ned, if thou dost, I'll ne'er be thy hindrance, for all she's my Kinswoman.  Trum. 
The Rascal if he had an opportunity would pimp for his Sister, though but for the bare pleasure of telling it himself.  Malag. 
Now when he comes home, will she be hanging about his neck, with, O Lord, Dear! where have you been this Morning? I can't abide you should go abroad so soon, that I can't: You are never well but when you are with that wicked lewd Truman, and his debauched Companion young Valentine: But that I know you are a good Dear, I should be apt to be jealous of you, that I should, ha, ha.  Trum. 
Sir, you are very bold with our Characters, methinks.  Malag. 
I, show! your Servant: Sure we that know one another may be free: You may say as much of me if you please. But no matter for that, did you hear nothing of my Business last Night?— ha?  Trum. 
Not a word I assure you, Sir. Pray how was it? Prithee let him alone a little, Valentine.  Malag. 
Why, coming out of Chatolins last Night,( where it had cost me a Guinney-Club, with a Right Honourable or two of this Kingdom, which shall be nameless) just as I was getting into a Coach, who should come by but a Blustering Fellow with a woman in his hand, and swore, Dam him, the Coach was for him: we had some words, and he drew; with that I put by his pass, closed with him, and threw up his Heels, took away Toledo, gave him 2 or 3 good Cuts over the Face, seized upon Damozel, carried her away with me to my Chamber, managed her all Night, and just now sent her off.— Faith, amongst friends she was a person of quality, I'll tell you that.  Trum. 
What! a person of quality at that time o'th' Night, and on foot too?  Malag. 
Ay, and one that you both know very well, but take no notice on't.  Val. 
Oh, Sir, you may be sure we shall be very cautious of spreading any Secrets of yours of this nature.— Lying rakehell, the highest he ever arrived at was a Bawd, and she too banished him at last, because he boasted of her Favours.  Malag. 
Nay, not that I care very much neither, you may tell it if you will; for I think it was no more then any one would have done upon the same occasion— ha.—  Trum. 
Doubtless, Sir, you were much in the right: but, Valentine, we shall stay too long: 'tis time we were going.  Malag. 
What, to Dinner? I'll make a third man— where shall it be?  Trum. 
Sir, I am sorry, we must beg your excuse this time, for we are both engaged.  Malag. 
who! prithee, that's all one, I am sure I know the Company; I'll go along at a venture.  Val. 
No, but Malagene! to make short of the Business, we are going into Company that are not very good Friends of yours, and will be very uneasy if you be there.  Malag. 
What's that to the purpose?— I care as little for them as they do for me, tho' on my word, Sparks! of honest Fellows, you keep the oddest Company sometimes that ever I knew!  Trum. 
But, Sir, we are resolved to reform it, and in order thereunto desire you would leave us to ourselves to day.  Malag. 
No— but I'll tell you, go along with me, I have discovered a Treasure of pale Wine— I'll assure you 'tis the same the King drinks of— What say you, Jack? I am but for one Bottle or two, for faith I have resolved to live sober for a week.  Trum. 
Prithee, Tormentor, leave us! do not I know the Wine thou drinkest is as base as the Company thou keep'st? To be plain with you, we will not go with you, nor must you go with us.  Malag. 
Why, if one should ask the question now, whither are you going? ha?  Val. 
How comes it, Malagene, you are not with your two Friends, Caper and Saunter?— you may be sure of them; they'l eat and drink, and go all over the World with you.  Malag. 
How canst thou think that I would keep such loathsome Company? a brace of silly talking, dancing, singing Rascals: 'tis true, I contracted an acquaintance with 'em, I know not how; and now and then when I am out of humour, love to laugh at and abuse 'em for an hour or two— but come what will on't, I am resolved to go along with you to Day.  Trum. 
Upon my word, Sir, you cannot— Why should you make so many difficulties with your friends?  Malag. 
who! prithee leave fooling.— You would shake me off now, would you? But I know better things.— The shame won't pass upon me, Sir, it won't, look you.  Trum. 
Death, we must use him ill, or there is no getting rid of him, not pass, Sir?  Mal. 
No, Sir!  Trum. 
Pray, Sir, leave us.  Mal. 
I shan't do't, Sir.  Trum. 
But you must, Sir.  Mal. 
May be not Sir.  Trum. 
I am going this way. Walking off.  Mal. 
So am I.  Trum. 
But, Sir, I must stay here a little longer.  Malag. 
With all my heart! tis the same thing, I am not in hast.  Val. 
Have a care, Malagene, how you provoke Truman— you'l run the hazard of a scurvy beating, my friend, if you do.  Malag. 
Beating! I am sorry, Sir, you know no better: pox, I am used to serve him so, man; let me alone, you shall see how I'll tease him. Hark you Jack.  Trum. 
Sir, you are an impudent troublesome Coxcomb.  Malag. 
No matter for that, I shan't leave you.  Trum. 
Sir, I shall pull you by the Nose then.  Malag. 
Tis all one to me, do your worst.  Trum. 
Take that then, Sir.— Now d'ye hear— Tweaks him by the Nose.  
Go about your business.  Malag. 
Nay, Faith, Jack, now you drive the Jest too far: what a Pox I know you are not in earnest, prithee let's go.  Trum. 
Death, Sir, you lie, not in earnest!— let this convince you—  Kicks him. 
How like you the Jest now, Sir?  Malag. 
Hark you Truman, We shan't Dine together then, shall we?  Val. 
Faith, to tell you the truth of the matter; Truman had a quarrel last Night, and we are just now going to make an end on't: 'tis that makes him so surly. Nevertheless, now I think on't better, if you'l go, you shall, perhaps we may have occasion for a third man.  Malag. 
No, no, if that be the business I'll say no more, puh— I hate to press into any mans Company against his Inclination. Truman! Upon my Reputation, you are very uncivil now, that you are. But hark you, I ran to the Groom-Porters last Night and lost my Money— Prithee lend me two guineas till next time I see thee, Child.  Trum. 
With all my heart, Sir, I was sure 'twould come to this at last: 'tis here, you may command what you please from your Servant. Malagene, Good morrow.  Enter Caper and Saunter. Malag. 
Dear Jack Truman, your humble— Exit Truman.  Val. 
Won't you go along with us then Malagene?  Malag. 
No, here are two silly Fellows coming, I'll go and divert myself a little with them at present.  Val. 
Why, those are the very people you railed at so but now: you will not leave us for them? at a time when you may be so serviceable?  Malag. 
Hang't, you'l have no occasion for me man: Say no more on't, but take my advice, be sure you stand fast, Don't give ground, d'ye hear, push briskly, and I'll warrant you do your business.  Val. 
Sir, I thank you for your counsel, and am sorry we can't have your company but; you are engaged?  Malag. 
Are you sure though it will come to fighting? I have no mind to leave your company methinks.  Val. 
Nay, nothing so certain as that we shall fight: I wish you would go, for I fancy there will be three in the Field.  Malag. 
A pox on't, now I remember, I promised to meet these people here, and can't avoid 'em now, I'd go with you else with all my heart Faith and Troth, but if you'd have me sand a Guard, I'll do't.  Val. 
No, Sir,— there's no danger— Nothing but the Rogues cowardice could have rid us of him. Exit Valentine.  Malag. 
How now Bullies, whither so fast this Morning? I partend just now with Jack Truman and Ned Valentine: They would fain have had me to Dinner with 'em, but I was not in a humour of drinking, and to speak the truth on't, you are better Company ten to one. They engross still all the discourse to themselves: and a man can never be free with them neither.  Cap. 
Oh Lord, Malagene! we met the Delicat'st Creature but now as we came round, I am a Rascal, if I don't think her one of the finest Women in the world: I shan't get her out of my mind this Month.  Saunt. 
'twas Victoria, my Lady Fairfields Daughter that came to Town last Summer when Goodvile was married. He in love with her, poor Soul!— I shall beg his pardon there as I take it— Sings.  Malag. 
That's Truman's blowing: she's always lingering after him here and at the Play-house: She heats herself here every Morning against the general Course at Night, where she comes as constantly as my Lady Squeamish her self.  Saunt. 
I vow that's a fine person too, don't you think she has abundance of wit, Malagene? She and I did so rally Caper t'other day.  Cap. 
Ay, it may be so.  Saunt. 
But did you never hear her sing? She made me sit with her till Two a Clock t'other Morning to teach her an Italian Song.  
I have, and I vow she sings it wonderfully.  Malag. 
Dam her, she's the most affencted amorous Jilt, and loves young Fellows more then an old Kite does young Chicken: There is not a Coxcomb of eighteen in Town can escape her, we shall have her draw one of you into Matrimony within this Fortnight.  Cap. 
Malagene, Thou art the most satirical Thief breathing: I'd give any thing thou didst but love dancing, that I might have thee on my side sometimes.  Saunt. 
Well Malagene, I hope to see thee so in love one day, as to leave off drinking as I have done and set up for a Shape and a Face: Or what is all one, writ amorous Sonnets, and fight Duels with all that do but look like Rivals. I would n●●e in love for all the world, I vow and swear.  Walks up and down with an affencted motion. Cap. 
Nor I.  
— An Phyllis, if you would not love  
The Shepherd, &c. Sings.  
But d'ye hear, Malagene, They say Goodvile gives a Ball to Night, is it true?  Malag. 
Yes, I intend to be there, if I do not go to Court.  Cap. 
I am glad of it with all my heart— Saunter— There's my Lady, to be sure, she'l not fail.  Saunt. 
But will you go, Malagene? Goodvile and you are at a distance.  Malag. 
who! pox that's nothing, I'll go for all that. But faith, I should meet my Lord— at Court to Night: besides, I han't been in the Drawing Room these three days; the Company will wonder what's become of me.  Enter Lady Squeamish. 
She here! Nay then—  Cap. 
Madam, your ladyships most humble Servant.  Congees affectedly. L. Squ. 
Mr. Caper! your most Devoted.— Oh dear Mr. Saunter! a thousand thanks to you for my Song.  Saunt. 
Your ladyship does your Servant too much honour.  Sings, As Cloe full of, &c. L. Sq. 
Mr. Caper, you are a stranger indeed, I have not seen you this two days: Lord, where d'ye live?  Cap. 
I should have waited on your ladyship, but was so tired at the Masquerade at my Lord Flutters t'other Night. Dances and capers.  Saunt. 
Madam, Madam, Mr. Goodvile gives a Ball to Night: Will your ladyship be there?  L. Sq. 
Yes; I heard of it this Morning, Victoria sent me word.  Cap. 
Oh, Madam, d'ye hear the News? Goodvile makes a Ball to Night: I hope I shall have the honour of your ladyships company.  L. Sq. 
Oh, by all means: Mr. Caper, pray don't you fail us.  
Oh Lord, Mr. Malagene, I beg your pardon, upon my honour I did not see you, I was so engaged in the Civilities of these Gentlemen.  Malag. 
Your Wit and Beauty, Madam, must command the Honour and Admiration of all the World. But when did your ladyship see Mr. Valentine?  L. Sq. 
Oh, name him not, Mr. Malagene, he's the unworthi'st basest Fellow— besides he has no principles nor breeding: I wonder you Gentlemen will keep him company. I'll swear he's enough to bring an Odium on the whole Sex.  Malag. 
The truth on't is, Madam, I do d●● 〈◇〉 with him now and then, because the Fellow has some wit, but it is ●●en better Company is out of the way; and faith he's always very civil to me as can be: I can rule him.  L. Squem. 
Oh Lord, 'tis impossible. Wit! Why he was abroad but two years, and all that time too in an Academy, he knows nothing of the Intrigues of the French Court, and has the worst mien in the world: he has a sort of an ill-natured way of talking indeed, and they say makes bold with me sometimes, but I'll assure you I scorn him.  Malag. 
Truly he has made very bold with you, or he is foully belied: ha, ha, ha.  L. Sq. 
They say, he's grown a great Admirer of Madam Camilla of late, who passes for a Wit forsooth. 'tis true, she's well enough, but I suppose is not the first that has been troubled with his impertinent Addresses.  Mal. 
Indeed he would not let me alone, till I brought him acquainted there: he owes that happiness to me. But methinks your ladyship speaks with something of heat— By heaven she's jealous!  L. Sq. 
No, I assure you, Sir, I am not concerned at it in the least.  
But did you ever hear 'em discourse any thing of me?  Mal. 
Never any ill, Madam, onely a little idle Raillery now and then; but Truman and he are wont to be something lavish when they have been drunk in my company.— 'twill work.  L. Sq. 
Nay, I know he has spoken dishonourably of me behind my back, because he failed in his filthy designs. Madam Camilla may deserve better of him, I doubt not: but if I am not revenged on his falsehood— [ Aside] Mr. Caper.  Cap. 
Madam.  Saunt. 
Madam.  L. Sq. 
Where do you go to day?  Cap. 
Will your ladyship be at the new Play?  L. Sq. 
No, I saw it the first day, and don't like it.  Mal. 
Madam, it has no ill Character about the Town.  L. Sq. 
O Lord, Sir, the Town is no Judge. 'tis a Tragedy, and I'll assure you there's nothing in it thats moving.  
I love a Tragedy that moves mightily.  Saunt. 
Does your ladyship know who writ it?  L. Sq. 
Yes, the Poet came and red it to me at my Lodgings: He is but a young man, and I suppose he has not been a Writer long: besides, he has had little or no conversation with the Court, which has been the reason he has committed a great many Indecorums in the conduct of it.  Saunt. 
I did not like it neither for my part; There was never a Song in it, ha?  Cap. 
No, nor so much as a Dance.  Mal. 
Oh, it's impossible it should take if there were neither Song nor Dance in it.  L. Sq. 
And then their Comedies now a days are the filthiest things, full of Bawdy and nauseous doings which they mistake for raillery and intrigue; besides they have no wit in 'em neither, for all their Gentlemen and men of wit, as they style 'em, are either silly conceited impudent Coxcombs, or else rude ill-mannerly drunken Fellows— faugh— I am ashamed any one should pretend to writ a Comedy, that does not know the nicer rules of the Court, and all the Intrigues and Gallantries that pass, I vow.  Mal. 
Who would improve in those things, must consult with your ladyship.  L. Sq. 
I swear, Mr. Malagene, you are an obliging person: I wonder the world should be so malicious to give you so undeserving a Character as they do: I always found you extremely generous and a person of worth.  Mal. 
In troth, Madam, your ladyship and myself are the subjects of abundance of envy: for I love to be malicious now and then, and faith, am the very scourge of the Court, they all stand in awe of me, for I must speak what I know, tho' sometimes I am used a little scurvily for it; but faith I can't help it, 'tis my way.  L. Sq. 
Ha, ha, ha, really I love scandal extremely too sometimes, so it be decently managed— But as I was saying, there is not a person in the world understands the Intrigues of the Court better than myself: I am the general Confident of the Drawing Room, and know the loves of all the people of quality in Town.  Cap. 
Dear Madam, how stands the Affair between my Lord suppling and Madam Lofty?  L. Sq. 
Worse then ever: 'tis very provoking to see how she uses the poor Creature: but the truth is, she can never be at rest for him; he's more troublesome then an old Husband, continually whispering his softnesses and making his vows, till at last she is forced to fly to me for shelter, and then we do so laugh— which the good natured Creature takes so patiently— I swear, I pity him.  Saunt. 
But my Lady Colt they say is kinder to the Sparkish Mr. Pruneit.  L. Squ. 
Oh Lord, Mr. Saunter, that you should understand no better; to my knowledge it is all false: I know all that Intrigue from the beginning to the ending, it has been off this Month— besides he keeps a Player again— Oh, Mr. Saunter! whatever you do, never concern yourself with those Players.  Saunt. 
Madam, I have left the folly long since: When first I came to Town, I must confess I had a Gallantry there: but since I have been acquainted with your ladyships Wit and Beauty, I have learnt to lay out my heart to better advantage— I think that was finely said!  L. Sq. 
I'll swear, Mr. Saunter, you have the most Court-like way of expressing yourself—  Saunt. 
Oh Lord, Madam! Bows and cringes.  L. Sq. 
Mr. Malagene, these are both my intimate acquaintance, and I le swear, I am proud of' em. Here is Mr. Saunter sings the French manner better then ever I heard any English Gentleman in my life: besides he pronounces his English in singing with a French kind of a Tone or Accent, that gives it a strange beauty— Sweet Sir, do me the favour of the last new Song.  Saunt. 
Let me die! your ladyship obliges me beyond expression— Malagene, thou shalt hear me.  Sings a Song in a French Tone. Mala. 
What a Devil was this, I understand not a word on't.  Saunt. 
Ha, Malagene, ha?  L. Squ. 
Did you ever hear any thing so fine?  Malag. 
Never, Madam, never: I swear, your ladyship is a great Judge.  L. Squ. 
but how plain and distinctly too every word was pronounced?  Mal. 
Oh, to admiration, to admiration.  Makes mouths aside. L. Squ. 
Well, Mr. Saunter, you are a charming Creature— Oh sad, Mr. Caper, I long till Night comes: I'll dance with no body but you to Night, for I swear I believe I shall be out of humour.  Malag. 
That's more then she ever was in her life, so long as she had a Fool or a Fiddle in her company.  L. Squ. 
Tho' really I love Dancing immoderately.— But now you talk of Intrigues, I am mistaken if you don't see something where we are going to Night.  Malag. 
What, Goodvile is to commence cuckolded, is it not so?  L. Squ. 
Oh, fie, Mr. Malagene, fie: I vow you'l make me hate you, if you talk so strangely:— but let me die, I can't but laugh— ha, ha, ha.— Well, Gentlemen, you shall Dine with me to day— What say you Mr. Malagene, will you go?  Malag. 
Your ladyship may be sure of me, I hate to break good Company.  L. Sq. 
And pray now let us be very severe and talk maliciously of all the Town. Mr. Caper your hand: Oh, dear Mr. Saunter, how shall I divide myself— I'll swear, I am strangely at a loss— Mr. Malagene, you must be Mr. Saunters mistress I think at present.  Malag. 
With all my heart, Madam,— Sweet Mr. Saunter, your hand: I swear, you are a charming Creature, and your Courtship is as extraordinary as your Voice.— Let me die, and I vow I must have t'other Song after Dinner, for I am very humoursome and very whimsical I think: ha, ha, ha.  Exeunt omnes. 
End first Act.   

THE SECOND ACT. SCENE, The Ordinary.  Enter Mrs. Goodvile and lettuce. Mrs. Goodv. 
DId you deliver the Billet?  Lettic. 
Yes, Madam, faithfully.  Mrs. Goodv. 
But are you sure you did?  lettuce. 
Can your ladyship think I would be guilty of the least neglect in a Concern of such moment.  Mrs. Goodv. 
And are you sure he Dines here to day?  Lettic. 
Madam, they are now at Dinner below: Mr. Valentine's there too. Oh, I'll swear he's a fine man, the most courteous person!  Mrs. Goodv. 
What, because he hunts and kisses you when he's drunk? No, lettuce, Truman, Truman, Oh that Truman!  lettuce. 
I wonder your ladyship should be so taken with him: were I to choose, I should think my Master the more agreeable man.  Mrs. Goodv. 
And you may take him if you will; he is as much a Husband as one would wish: I have not seen him this Fortnight; he never comes home till Four in the Morning, and then he sneaks to his separate Bed, where he lies till Afternoon, then rises and out again upon his Parole: flesh and blood can't endure it.  lettuce. 
But he always visits your ladyship first.  Mrs. Goodv. 
That's his Policy, as great Debtors are always very respectful and acknowledging where they never mean to pay. 'tis true, he gives me what freedom I can desire, but God knows thats all.  lettuce. 
And where's the pleasure of going abroad and getting a stomach, to return and starve at home?  Mrs. Goodv. 
I laugh though to think what an easy fool he believes me; he thinks me the most contented, innocent, harmless Turtle breathing, the very pattern of patience.  lettuce. 
A Jewel of a Wife.  Mrs. Goodv. 
And as blind with love as his own good opinion of himself has made him.  lettuce. 
And can you find in your heart to wrong so good a natured complete well-meaning harmless Husband, that has so good an opinion of you?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ha, wrong him! what you say, lettuce? I wrong my Husband! such another word forfeits my good opinion of thee for ever.  lettuce. 
What meant the Billet to Mr. Truman then this Morning?  Mrs. Goodv. 
To make him my friend perhaps, and discover if I can who it is that wrongs me in my Husbands affection: for I am sure I have a Rival. And I am apt to believe Victoria deserves no better then ordinary of me, if the truth were known.  lettuce. 
Why, she is his near Kinswoman and lives here in the house with you, besides he would never dishonour his own Family surely.  Mrs. Goodv. 
You are a Fool, lettuce, the nearness of blood is the least thing considered. Besides, as I have heard, 'tis almost the onely way Relations care to be kind to one another now a days.  let. 
Yet, Madam, you never meet, but you are as kind and fond of him, as if you had all the joys of love about you. Lord! How can you dissemble with him so? Besides, Mr. Truman, Madam, you know is his Friend.  Mr. Goodv. 
Oh, if I would ever consent to wrong my Husband( which heaven forbid, lettuce!) it should be, to choose, with his Friend. For such a one has a double Obligation to secrecy, as well for his own Honour as mine. But I'll swear, lettuce, you are an idle Girl for talking so much of this, that you are: 'tis enough to put ill thoughts into ones head, which I am the most averse to of all things in the world.  let. 
But, Madam, Thoughts are free, and it is as hard not to think a little idly sometimes, as it is to be always in good humour. But it would make any one laugh, to think Mr. Truman should be in love with Madam Victoria, if all be real which your ladyship suspects.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ay, and with a design of Marriage too: but a ranging Gallant thinks he fathoms all, and counts it as much beneath his experience to doubt his security in a Wife, as success in a Mistress.  let. 
Besides, after a little time, he is so very industrious in Cuckolding others, that he never dreams how swimmingly his own Affairs are managed at home.  Enter Victoria. Mrs. Goodv. 
But hush— she's here.  Victo. 
A happy Day to you, Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Dear Cousin, your humble Servant: have you heard who are below?  Victo. 
Yes, young Truman and his inseparable Companion Valentine.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Well, what will you do Cousin, Truman comes resolved on Conquest; for with the Advantages he has in your Heart already, 'tis impossible you should be able to hold out against him.  Vict. 
Yes, powerful Champaign as they call it may do much, a spark can no more refrain running into love after a Bottle, then a drunken Country Vicar can avoid disputing of Religion when his Patron's Ale grows stronger then his Reason.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Come, come, dissemble your Inclinations as artfully as you please, I am sure they are not so indifferent, but they may be easily discerned.  Victo. 
Truly, Madam, you may be mistaken in your guess.  Mrs. Goodv. 
How! I doubt it is some other man then has caused this alteration in you.— Lord, lettuce, is she not extremely altered?  Victo. 
altered, Madam, what do you mean?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Nay, lettuce, fetch a Glass and let her see her self; Lord, you are paler then you use to be.  let. 
Ay, and then that blewness under the eyes.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Besides, you are not so lively as I have known you: pardon me Cousin.  let. 
Well, if there be a fault, Marriage will cure all.  Victor. 
I'll assure you, I have none that I know off stands in need of so desperate a remedy. Marriage! fault! What can all this tend to?  Enter page.. Mrs. Goodv. 
Well, what now?  page.. 
Madam, Camilla is coming to wait upon your ladyship.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ha, Camilla! Tell her I'll attend her: Won't you go with me Victoria?  Victo. 
I'll but step into my Chamber, and follow you instantly.  Ex. Mrs. Good. and page.. 
Whither can all this drive? Surely she has discovered something of Goodvile's love and mine: if she has, I am ruined.  Enter Goodvile. Goodv. 
Victoria! your Cousin is not here, is she? What, in Clouds? I stolen this Minute from my friends on purpose to see thee, and must not I have a look? not a word?  Victo. 
Oh, I am ruined and lost for ever. I fear your Wife has had some knowledge of our Loves: And if it be so, what will then become of me?  Goodv. 
Prithee, no more: my Wife! she has too good an opinion of her self, to have any ill one of me; and would as soon believe her Glass could flatter her, as I be false to her: my Wife!— ha, ha.  Victo. 
Yes, I am sure it must be so; it can be no otherwise: But you are satisfied, and now have nothing more to do, but to leave me to be miserable.  Goodv. 
Leave thee! By heaven I'd sooner renounce my Family, and own myself the Bastard of a Rascal: Come, quiet thy doubts, Truman is here, and take my Love for thy Security, he shall be thine to Night.  Victo. 
I have great reason to expect it indeed, that you would hazard your Interest in so good a Friend for the reparation of my Honour, that so little concerns you, and which you have already made your best of.  Goodv. 
No more of that, Love's my Province; and thine is too dear to me to be neglected. 'tis true, I have made him my Friend, and I hope he will deserve it, by doing thee that justice which I am incapable of.  Victo. 
You can promise easily.  Goodv. 
Ay, and as resolutely perform: when I have heated him with Wine, prepare to receive him.  Enter Mrs. Goodvile. 
Ha, she here!  Mrs. Goodvile. 
So, so, Mr. Goodvile, are you there indeed? I thought I should catch you.  Goodv. 
Faith, my Dear, I have been speaking a good word for Jack Truman; my Cousin Victoria's too cruel.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh, fie, Victoria! Can you be so hard hearted to deny any thing, when Mr. Goodvile is an Advocate?  Victo. 
I must confess it is with some difficulty; but should I too easily comply upon Mr. Goodvile's intercession, who knows but your ladyship might be jealous? For he that can prevail for another, may presume there's hopes for himself.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ay, but Cousin, I know you are my Friend, and would not, though but in regard of that, do me such injury: Besides, Mr. Goodvile knows I dare trust him. Don't you, Love?  Goodv. 
Trust me! yes, for if you don't, 'tis all one— Credulous Innocence! Aside.  
Alas, my Dear, were I as false as thou art good, thy generous Confidence would shane me into honesty.  Enter Camilla running and squeaking. Truman and Valentine after her. Camill. 
For Heav'ns sake, Madam, save me!— Mr. Goodvile, 'tis safer traveling through the deserts of Arabia, then entering your House: Had I not ran hard for it, I had been devoured, that's certain.  Val. 
Oh, Madam, are you herded? it will be to little purpose, I am staunch, and never change my Game.  Cam. 
But when you have lost it, is fresh start up, you can be as fully satisfied, who hunt more for the love of the sport, then for the sake of the prey.  Valent. 
But, Madam, should you chance to be taken, look to't, for I shall touse and worry you most unmercifully, till I have revenged myself severely, for the pains you cost me catching.  Cam. 
Therefore I am resolved to keep out of your reach; Lord! what would become of such a poor little Creature as I am, in the Paws of so ravenous an Animal?  Trum. 
But are you too, Lady, so wild, as Mrs. Camilla?  Victo. 
Oh, Sir, to the full! But I hope you are not so unmerciful as Mr. Valentine.  Trum. 
No, Madam, quiter on the contrary, as soft and pliant as your Pillow, you may mould me to your own ease and pleasure, which way you will.  Victo. 
'tis strange two of such different Tempers should so well agree: Methinks you look like two as roaring, ranting, tory rory Sparks as one would wish to meet withall.  Val. 
Yes, Madam, at the Play-house in a Vizor, when you come dressed and prepared for the Encounter; there indeed we can be as unanimously Modish and Impertinent as the pertest Coxcombs of 'em all, till like them too, we lose our hearts, and never know what becomes of' em.  Camil. 
But the comfort is, you are sure to find 'em again in the next Bottle.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Then drink 'em down to the Ladies Healths, and they are as well at ease as ever they were.  Trum. 
Why, you would not be so unconscionable as to have us two such whining crop-sick Lovers, as sigh away their hours, and writ lamentable Ditties to be sung about the Town by Fools and Bullies in Taverns.  Goodv. 
Till some Smithfield Doggrel taking the hint, swells the Sonnet to a Ballad, and Chloris dwindles into a kitchenwench.  Victo. 
'tis presumed then you are of that familiar Tribe that never make Love but by contraries, and rally our Faults when you pretend to admire our perfections.  Camill. 
As if the onely way to raise a good opinion of yourselves, were to let us know how ill a one you have of us.  Trum. 
Faith, Madam, 'tis a hard world, and when Beauty is held at so dear a rate, 'tis the best way to beat down the Market as much as we can.  Val. 
But you shall find, Ladies, we'l bid like Chapmen for all that.  Victo. 
You had best have a care though, lest you over-reach yourselves, and repent of your purchase when 'tis too late.  Camil. 
Besides, I hate a Dutch Bargain that's made in heat of Wine, for the love it raises is generally like the courage it gives, very extraordinary, but very short lived.  Goodv. 
How, Madam! have a care what you say; Wine is the Prince of Love, and all Ladies that speak against it, forfeit their Charter. I must not have my Favourite traduced.  
Boy, bring some Wine, you shall prove its good effects, and then aclowledge it your Friend. We'l drink—  Cam. 
Till your Brains are afloat, and all the rest sink.  Val. 
I find then, Ladies, you have the like opinion of our Heads, as you have of our Hearts.  Cam. 
Really, Sir, you are much in the right.  true. 
But if your ladyship should be in the wrong.— Tho' Love like Wine be a good refresher, yet 'tis much more dangerous to be too busy withall. And though now and then I may over-heat my Head with drinking; yet confounded me, I think I shall have a care never to break my heart with loving.  Mrs. Goodv. 
But Sir, if all men were of your cruel temper, what would become of those tender hearted Creatures that cannot forbear saluting ye with a Billet in a Morning, though it comes without a Name, and makes you as unsatisfied as they poor Creatures are themselves?  Trum. 
ha, this concerns me! Blockhead, dull leaden Sot that I was, not to be sensible it must be she, and none but she, could sand mine this Morning. Well, poor Jack Truman look to thyself, snares are laid for thee;— but the virtuous must suffer Temptation: And heaven knows all flesh is frail.  Enter Boy with Wine. Goodv. 
Now Boy, fill the Glasses. But before we proceed, one thing is to be considered: My Dear, you and I are to be no Man and Wife for this day, but be as indifferent, and take as little notice one of another, as we may chance to do seven years hence: but at Night—  Val. 
A very fair proposal.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Agreed, Sir, if you will have it so.  Goodv. 
The Wine— now each man to his post. They separate, Goodv. to Cam. Val. to Victo. Trum. to Mrs. Goodv.  
The word. All take Glasses.  Trum. 
Love and Wine. Enter lettuce.  Goodv. 
Pass—  They drink. 
Now that nothing may be wanting, lettuce you must sing the Song I brought home t'other Morning, for music is as great an encouragement to drinking, as fighting.  

Song.  

lettuce sings. How blessed he appears,  
That revels and loves out his happy years,  
That fiercely spurs on till he finish his race:  
And knowing life short, chooses living apace.  
To cares we were born, 'twere a folly to doubt it,  
Then love and rejoice, there's no living without it.   

2.  
Each day we grow older;  
But as fate approaches, the brave still are bolder.  
The joys of Love with our Youth slide away,  
But yet there are pleasures that never decay:  
When Beauty grows dull, and our Passions grow could,  
Wine still keeps its Charms, and we drink when w'are old.    Goodv. 
So, now show me an Enemy to divine harmonious Drinking!  Boy. 
Sir, my Lady Squeamish is below, just alighted out of her Coach.  Goodv. 
Nay then drinking will have the mayor Vote against it: She is the most exact observer of Decorums and Decency alive. But she is not alone I hope?  Boy. 
No, Sir, there is Mr. Malagene with her, and three more Gentlemen; one they call Sir Noble Clumsey, a full portly Gentleman.  Trum. 
That's a hopeful Animal, an elder Brother, of a fair Estate, and her Kinsman, newly come up to Town, whom her ladyship has undertaken to polish and make a fine Gentleman.  Val. 
'tis such a fulsome over-grown Rogue, yet hopes to be a fine Spark, and a very Courtly Youth; he has been this half year endeavouring at a shape, which he loves eating and drinking too well ever to attain to. The other I'll warrant you, are the nimble Mr. Caper, and his polite Companion Mr. Saunter.  Goodv. 
She's never without a Kennel of Fools at her heels, and we may know as well when she is near by the noise her Coxcombs make, as we know when a certain Spark of this Town is at hand by the new fangled jingle of his Coach. She comes— and wo be to the witch whom she first lights upon.  Enter L. Squeamish, Sir Noble Clumsey, Malag. Caper and Saunter. L. Sq. 
Dear Madam Goodvile, ten thousand happinesses wait on you: fair Madam Victoria, sweet charming Camilla, which way shall I express my Service to you.— Cousin your honour, your honour to the Ladies.  Sir Noble. 
Ladies, as low as Knee can bend, or Head can bow, I salute you all▪ And Gallants, I am your most humble, most obliged, and most devoted Servant.— That I learned at the end of an Epistle Dedicatory.  Goodv. 
Sir Noble Clumsey is too great a Courtier.  Sir Noble. 
Yes, Sir, I can compliment upon an occasion; my Lady knows I am a pretty apt Scholar.  L. Squ. 
Gallants, you must pardon my Cousin here, he is but as it were a Novice yet, and has had little Conversation but what I have had the honour to instruct him in.  Malag. 
But let me tell you, he is a man of parts, and one that I respect and honour: pray Gentlemen know my Friend.  Val. 
Hark you Malagene, how durst you venture hither, knowing that Goodvile and Truman care so little for your company?  Malag. 
O, Sir, your Servant, your Servant, Sir; I guessed this was the Duel you were going about: I should not have left you else faith Ned, I should not.  Goodv. 
But, Madam, can the worthy Knight your Kinsman drink? What think you Sir Noble of the Ladies Healths?  Sir Nob. 
In a Glass of small Beer, if you please.  L. Squ. 
Oh sweet Mr. Goodvile, don't tempt him to drink, dont! I'll swear, I am so afraid he should spoil himself with drinking. Lord, how I should loathe a Fellow with a read Nose!  Val. 
See, Truman, the two Coxcombs are already boarding our Mistresses.  Trum. 
Oh, 'twere pity to interrupt 'em; a woman loves to play and fondle with a Coxcomb sometimes as naturally, as with a Lap-Dog; and I could no more be jealous of one then of the other.  Val. 
I am not of your opinion; they are too apt to love any thing that but makes 'em sport: And the familiarity of Fools proceeds often-times from a privilege we are not ware of. For my part, I shall make bold to divert.— Mr. Saunter a word: Have you any pretences with that Lady? ha?  Saunt. 
Some small encouragement I have had, Sir; but I never make my boast of those Favours, never.  Val. 
No, Sir, 'twere not your best course.  Saunt. 
Oh Lord, you are pleased to be merry: Sure he takes me for a Fool; but no matter for that.— Sings.— Would Phyllis be mine, and for, &c.  Enter Boy. Boy. 
Madam, the Fiddles are below, shall I call 'em up?  Mrs. Goodv. 
No, let 'em stay a little, we'l dance below.  Cap. 
ha, the Fiddles! Boy, where are you? Caper capers.  Boy. 
Here, Sir.  Cap. 
Have you brought my Dancing-shoos?  Boy. 
No, Sir, you gave me no order: but your Fiddle is below under the Seat of the Coach.  Cap. 
Rascal, Dog, Fool; when did you ever know me go abroad without my Dancing-shoos? Sirrah, run home and fetch 'em quickly, or I'll cut off both your Ears, and have 'em fastened to the Heels of those I have on.  Trum. 
It is an unpardonable fault, Sir, that your Boy should forget your Dancing-shoos.  Cap. 
Ay, hang him, Blockhead, he has no sense; I must get rid of him as soon as I can: I would no more dance in a pair of shoes that we commonly wear, then I would ride a race in a pair of Gambado's.  L. Squeam. 
Mr. Valentine I hope is a better bread Gentleman then to leave his mistress for Wine. I hear, Sir, there is a love between you and Madam Camilla? Thou Monster of perjury. To Val.  Val. 
Faith, Madam, you are much in the right; there is abundance of love on my side, but I can find very little on hers: If your ladyship would but stand my Friend upon this occasion.— I think this is civil.  L. Squ. 
I'll swear, Sir, you are a most obliging person—  
Ladies and Gallants, poor Mr. Valentine here is fallen in love, and has desired me to be his Advocate: Who could withstand that Eye, that Lip, that Shape and Mein; besides a thousand Graces in every thing he does? Oh lovely Camilla! guard, guard your Heart; but I'lle swear, if it were my own case, I doubt I should not— ha, ha, ha.  Val. 
Madam? what means all this?  Goodv. 
Poor Ned Valentine!  Trum. 
'tis but what I  told him he must look for: but stay, there is more yet coming.  L. Sq. 
Nay, this is not half of what thou art to expect; I'll haunt thee worse then thy ill Genius, take all opportunities to expose thy folly and falsehood every where, till I have made thee as ridiculous to our whole Sex, as thou art odious to me.  Val. 
But has your ladyship no mercy? will nothing but my ruin appease you? Why should you choose by your malice to expose your decay of years, and lay open your poor Lovers follies to all, because you could improve 'em to your own use no longer? Approaches.  L. Squ. 
Come not near me, traitor,— Lord, Madam Camilla, how can you be so cruel? See, see, how wildly he looks: for heaven sake have a care of him; I fear he is distempered in his mind: What pity 'tis so hopeful a Gentleman should run mad for Love,— ha, ha, ha.  Mrs. Good. 
Dear Madam, how can you use Mr. Valentine so? 'tis enough to put him out of humour and spoil him for being good company all the day after it.  L. Squ. 
Oh Lord, Madam, 'tis the greatest pleasure to me in the world: Let me die, but I love to railly a bashful young Lover, and put him out of countenance, at my heart.  Saunt. 
Ha, ha, ha, and I'll swear the Devil and all's in her wit, when she sets on't. Poor Ned Valentine! Lord, how sillily he looks!  Cap. 
Ay, and would fain be angry if he knew but how.  Val. 
Hark you Coxcomb, I can be angry, very angry, d'ye mark me?  Sir Noble. 
No, but Sir, don't be in a passion, my Lady will have her humour; but she's a very good woman at the bottom.  Val. 
Very likely Sir.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Now, Madam, if your ladyship thinks fit, we'l withdraw and leave the Gentlemen to themselves a little; onely Mr. Caper and Mr. Saunter must do us the honour of their company.  Saunt. 
Say you so, Madam? I'faith and you shall have it. Come Caper, we are the men for the Ladies, I see that.— Hey Boys!  L. Squ. 
Oh dear and sweet Mr. Saunter shall oblige us with a Song.  Saunt. 
O Madam, Ten thousand, ten thousand if you please: I'll swear, I believe I could sing all Day and all Night, and never be weary. Sings.  
When Phyllis watched her harmless Sheep,  
Not one poor Lamb, &c.  Ex. Saunter, Cap. Ladies. Goodv. 
A happy riddance this: Now Gentlemen for one Bottle to entertain our noble Friend and now acquaintance, Sir Noble Clumsey.  Sir Noble. 
Really Gallants, I must beg your pardon, I dare not drink, for I have but a very weak Brain, Sir, and my Head won't bear it.  Trum. 
Oh, surely that honourable Bulk could never be maintained with thin regular Diet and small Beer.  Sir Noble. 
I must confess, Sir, I am something plump, but a little fat is comely, I would not be too lean.  Malag. 
No, by no means my Dear, thou hast an heroic Face which well becomes the noble port and fullness of thy Body.  Val. 
Goodvile, we have a svit to you: Here is Malagene has been sometime in a Cloud, for this once receive him into good Grace and Favour again.  Malag. 
Faith, Goodvile do, for without any more words, I love thee with all my heart— Faith and Troth— give me thy hand.  Goodv. 
But Sir should I allow you my Countenance, you would be very drunk, very rude, and very unmannerly I fear.  Malag. 
Drunk, Sir? I scorn your words, I'd have you know I han't been drunk this week; no, I am the Son of a Whore if I wont be very sober: This noble Knight shall be security for my good behaviour. Wilt thou not Knight?  Sir Noble. 
Sir, you are a person altogether a stranger to me; and I have sworn never to be bound for any man.  Trum. 
Oh but Sir Noble, you are obliged in honour to serve a Gentleman and your friend.  Sir Noble. 
Say you so, Sir? obliged in honour? I am satisfied. Sir, this Gentleman is my Friend and Acquaintance, and whatsoever he says I'll stand to.  Malag. 
Hark thee Son of Mars, thou art a Knight already, I'll mary thee to a Lady of my acquaintance, and have thee made a Lord.  Goodv. 
Boy, the Wine, give Sir Noble his Glass,— Gentlemen, Sir Noble's Ladies Health.  Sir Nob. 
Od's my life, I'll drink that tho' I die for't. Gallants, I have a Lady in this Head of mine, and that you shall find anon. By my Troth, I think this be a Glass of good Wine!  Val. 
Say you so? take the other Glass then Sir Noble.  Sir Nob. 
before George, and so I will. Pox on't, let it be a brimmer: Gentlemen, God save the King.  Malag. 
Well said my lovely man of might: His worship grows good company.  Trum. 
Sir Noble, you are a great Acquaintance with Mr. Caper and Mr. Saunter, they are men of pretty parts.  Sir Noble. 
Oh Sir, the finest persons— the most obliging well-bred complaisant modish Gentlemen: They are acquainted with all the Ladies in Town, and are men of fine estates.  Trum. 
This Rogue is one of those Earthy Mongrels that knows the value of nothing but a good Estate, and loves a fellow with a great deal of Land and a Title, though his Grandfather were a Blacksmith.  Sir Nob. 
How say you Sir, a good Estate? od's heart, give me the other Glass, I have two thousand pounds a year.  Malag. 
sayst thou so? Boy, bring more Wine; Wine in abundance, Sirrah d'ye hear? Frank Goodvile, thou seest I am free, for Faith I hate Ceremony, and would fain make the Knight merry.  Goodv. 
Malagene, it shall be your task; drink him up lustily, and when that's done, wee'l bring him to my Lady his Cousin, it may make some sport.  Val. 
A very good proposal.  Malag. 
Say no more, thy word's a Law, and it shall be done: Come, bear up my lusty Limb of honour, and hang sobriety.  Sir Noble. 
Ay, so say I, hang sobriety— drink, whore, rant, roar, swear, make a noise, and all that: But be honest, dost hear, be honest.  Trum. 
I would very fain be so if I could: But the damned Billet this Morning won't out of my head. Well, Madam Goodvile, if any mischief comes on't, 'tis your own fault, not mine. I did not strike first, and there's an end on't. music within.  Enter lettuce. lettuce. 
Sir, the Fiddles are ready, and the Ladies desire your Company.— Mr. Truman, my Lady wants you.  Trum. 
sayst thou so? I thank thee for thy news with all my heart. The Devil I see will get the better on't, and there is no resisting.  lettuce. 
Sir Noble, my Lady Squeamish sent me to tell you, she wants your company to dance.  Sir Nob. 
Tell her, I am busy about a grand Affair of the Nation, and cannot come.— Dance? I look like a Dancer indeed! but these women will be always putting us on more then we can do.  
Boy, give me more Wine.  Goodv. 
Malagene, remember, and use expedition.  Ex. Goodv. Trum. Val. lettuce. Sir Noble. 
Sirrah, do you know me? I am a Knight: And here's a Health to all the Whores in Christendom.  Malag. 
Not forgetting all the Ladies within. Now we are alone I may talk. [ Drinks.]  Sir Nob. 
So, there's for you, do you see? Breaks a Glass.  
Sirrah, don't you look scurvily, I have money in my Pocket, you must know that.— Bring us more Wine.  
Malagene, thou art a pretty Fellow; dost thou love me? Give me thy hand: I will salute thy under Lip. Staggers.  Malag. 
ha, what's the meaning of this? I doubt I shall almost be drunk as soon as the Knight. Sir Noble, canst thou whore?  Sir Nob. 
How, whore! what a question's there? Thou shalt be my Pimp, and I'll prefer thee.  Malag. 
What a Rascal this Knight is? I have known as worthy a person as himself a Pimp, and one that thought it no blemish to his honour neither.  Enter Lady Squeamish at the Door. Sir Noble. 
ha, my Lady Cousin?— Faith, Madam, you see I am at it.  Malag. 
The Devil's in't, I think, we could no sooner talk of Whores, but she must come in, with a Pox to her. Madam, your Ladishps most humble Servant.  L. Squ. 
Oh, odious! insufferable! Who would have thought, Cousin, you would have served me so— fough how he stinks of Wine, I can smell him hither.— How have you the patience to hear the noise of Fiddles, and spend your time in nasty drinking?  Sir Nob. 
Hum! 'tis a good Creature: lovely Lady, thou shalt take thy Glass.  L. Squ. 
Uh good murder, I had rather you had offered me a Toad.  Sir Noble. 
Then Valentine, here's a Health to my Lady Cousins Pelion upon Ossa. Drinks and breaks Glass.  L. Squ. 
Lord, dear Mr. Malagene, what's that?  Malag. 
A certain place Madam in Greece, much talked of by the Ancients; the noble Gentleman is well red.  L. Squ. 
Nay he is an ingenious person I'll assure you.  Sir Noble. 
Now Lady bright I am wholly thy Slave: Give me thy hand, I'l go strait and begin my Grandmothers kissing Dance; but first design me the private honour of thy Lip.  L. Squ. 
Nay, fie Sir Noble! how I hate you now! for shane be not so rude: I'll swear you are quiter spoiled. Get you gone, you good natured Toad you.  Exeunt omnes. 
End second Act.   

THE THIRD ACT. SCENE I.  Enter Goodvile a little heated. Goodvile. 
WHat a damned Chicken-brain'd Fellow am I grown? If I but dip my Bill I am giddy. Now am I as hot-headed with my bare two Bottles, as a drunken apprentice on a Holiday. Truman marries Victoria, that's resolved on, and so one Care is over. But then Camilla! how I shall get possession of her.— Well, my mind misgives me I shall do something may call my Discretion in question, and yet I can't avoid it. Camilla I do love and must have her, come what will on't: And no time so fit to begin the enterprise as this; she may make a good Wife for Valentine for all that.  Enter Truman, Valentine. music. 
Fie, Gentlemen, without the Ladies! Did you quit Champaign for this? Faith I begin to despair of you, and doubt you are grown as weak Lovers as Drinkers.  Trum. 
Goodvile thou hast no Conscience: A decayed Cavalier Captain that drinks Journey-work under a Deputy Lieutenant in the Country is not able to keep thee company. Two Bottles, as I take it, is no such trifling matter.  Goodv. 
Oh but I hate to be baulkt, and a friend that leaves me at two Bottles, is as unkind as a mistress that jilts me when I thought I had made sure of the Business. But Gallants, how stand the Affairs of love? Truman, is Victoria kind? I question not your friendship in the matter, but trust the honour of my Family in your hands.  Val. 
He little thinks Truman is informed of all, and no longer a stranger on what score he is so wondrous civil. But I am mistaken, if he be behind with him in kindness long. Aside.  Trum. 
A pox on't, I am afraid this Marriage will never agree with me, methinks the very thought on't goes a little against my stomach: Like a young Thief, though I have some itching to be at it, yet I am loth to venture what may follow.  Goodv. 
Well, I'll go in and better prepare Victoria; in the mean time believe it onely my ambition to be as well allied in blood as friendship to so good and generous a person as Truman.  Trum. 
What a damned Creature man is! Valentine, didst thou believe this fellow could be a Villain?  Val. 
I must confess, it something surprises me; he might have found out a fitter person to put his mistress upon, then his Friend: but how the Devil got you the knowledge of it?  Trum. 
Faith I'll tell thee; for I think I am no way obliged to conceal it— his Wife, even his very wife  told me all.  Val. 
I begin to suspect that Mrs. Goodvile has no ill opinion of you; I observed something but now very obliging towards you: Besides when a Woman begins to betray her Husbands secrets, 'tis a certain sign she has a mind to communicate very important ones of her own.  Trum. 
Valentine no more of that; Though it would be a rare revenge to make a cuckolded of this smiling Rogue.  Val. 
'tis 50 times better then cutting his Throat, that were to do him more honour then he deserves.  Enter Malagene. Malag. 
Ha, ha, ha, the rarest sport— Jack Truman, Ned Valentine.  Trum. 
Why, whats the matter? where?  Malag. 
Yonder's my Rogue of a Knight as drunk as a Porter; and faith Jack I am but little better.  Val. 
Dear Sir, and what of all this?  Mal. 
Why with a Bottle under his arm, and a Beer-glass in his hand I set him full drive at my Lady Squeamish; for nothing else but to make mischief Ned— nothing else in the world; for every body knows I am the worst natured fellow breathing: 'tis my way of wit.  Val. 
Do you love no body then?  Malag. 
No not I: yes, a pox on't I love you well enough, because ye are a Rogue I have known a good while. Though should I take the least prejudice against you, I could not afford you a good word behind your back for my heart.  Trum. 
Sir, we are much obliged to you: 'tis a sign the Rogue is drunk that he speaks truth.  Malag. 
I tell you what I did t'other day: faith 'tis as good a jest as ever you heard.  Val. 
Pray Sir do.  Mal. 
Why walking along, a lame Fellow followed me, and asked my Charity,( which by the way was a pretty proposition to me:) being in one of my witty merry fits, I asked him how long he had been in that condition? The poor Fellow shook his head and  told me he was born so.— But how d'ye think I served him?  Val. 
Nay, the Devil knows.  Malag. 
I showed my parts I think; for I tripped up both his wooden Legs, and walked off gravely about my business.  Trum. 
And this you say is your way of wit?  Malag. 
Ay altogether this and Mimickry: I am a very good mimic; I can act Punchinello, Scaramouchio, Harlequin, Prince Prettyman, or any thing. I can act the rumbling of a Wheelbarrow.  Val. 
The rumbling of a Wheel-barrow!  Malag. 
Ay, the rumbling of a Wheel-barrow, so I say— Nay, more then that, I can act a Sow and pigs, Sausages a broiling, a Shoulder of Mutton a roasting: I can act a Fly in a Honey-pot.  Trum. 
That indeed must be the effect of very curious observation.  Malag. 
No, hang it, I never make it my business to observe any thing, that is mechanic. But all this I do, you shall see me if you will: But here comes her ladyship and Sir Noble.  Enter Lady Squeamish and Sir Noble. L. Squ. 
Oh dear Mr Truman rescue me. Nay, Sir Noble, for Heav'ns sake.  Sir Nob. 
I tell thee Lady, I must embrace thy lovely body. Sir, do you know me? I am Sir Noble Clumsey: I am a Rogue of an Estate, and live I— Do you want any money? I have fifty pound.  Val. 
Nay good Sir Noble, none of your generosity we beseech you. The Lady, the Lady Sir Noble.  Sir Nob. 
Nay, 'tis all one to me if you won't take it, there it is.— Hang money, my Father was an Alderman.  Mal. 
'tis pity good guineas should be spoiled: Sir Noble, by your leave. Picks 'em up.  Sir Nob. 
But Sir you will not keep my money?  Malag. 
Oh, hang money Sir, your Father was an Alderman.  Sir Nob. 
Well, get thee gone for an Arch-wagg— I do but shame all this while:— But by Dad he's pure company.  Trum. 
Was there ever such a Blockhead! Now has he nevertheless a mighty opinion of himself, and thinks all this wit and pretty discourse.  Sir Noble. 
Lady, once more I say be civil and come kiss me; I shall ravish else, I shall ravish mightily.  Val. 
Well done Sir Noble, to her, never spare.  L. Squ. 
I may be even with you though for all this Mr. Valentine: Nay, dear Sir Noble, Mr. Truman, I'll swear he'l put me into Fits.  Sir Nob. 
No, but let me salute the Hem of thy Garment. Wilt thou mary me? Kneels.  Malag. 
Faith Madam do, let me make the Match.  L. Squ. 
Let me die, Mr. Malagene, you are a strange man, and I'll swear have a great deal of wit. Lord, why don't you writ?  Malag. 
writ? I thank your ladyship for that with all my heart. No, I have a finger in a Lampoon or so sometimes, that's all.  Trum. 
But he can act.  L. Squ. 
I'l swear and so he does better then any one upon our theaters; I have seen him. Oh the English Comedians are nothing, not comparable to the French or Italian: Besides we want Poets.  Sir Nob. 
Poets! why I am a Poet. I have written three Acts of a Play, and have named it already. 'tis to be a Tragedy.  L. Squ. 
Oh Cousin, if you undertake to writ a Tragedy, take my counsel: Be sure to say soft melting tender things in it that may be moving, and make your Ladies Characters virtuous what ere you do.  Sir Nob. 
Moving? why, I can never red it myself but it makes me laugh, well, 'tis the pretty'st Plot and so full of waggery.  L. Squ. 
Oh ridiculous!  Malag. 
But Knight the Title, Knight, the Title.  Sir Noble. 
Why let me see; 'tis to be called, The merry Conceits of Love; or, The Life and Death of the Emperour Charles the Fifth, with the humours of his Dog Bobadillo.  Malag. 
Ha, ha ha.  Val. 
But Sir Noble, this sounds more like a Comedy.  Sir Noble. 
Oh, but I have resolved it shall be a Tragedy, because Bobadillo's to be killed in the Play. Comedy! no, I scorn to writ Comedy. I know several that can squirt Comedy.— I'll tell you more of this when I am sober.  L. Squ. 
But dear Mr. Malagene, won't you let us see you act a little something of Harlequin? I'll swear you do it so naturally, it makes me think I am at the Louvre or Whitehall all the time. Malag. acts.  
Oh Lord, don't, don't neither: I'll swear you'l make me burst. Was there ever any thing so pleasant?  Trum. 
Was ever any thing so affencted and ridiculous? Her whole life surely is a continued Scene of Impertinence. What a damned Creature is a decayed woman with all the exquisite silliness and vanity of her Sex; yet none of the charms. Malag. speaks in Punchinello's voice.  L. Squ. 
O Lord, that, that; that is a pleasure intolerable. Well, let me die if I can hold out any longer. Pray Mr. Malagene, how long have you been in love with Mrs. Tawdry the Actress?  Malag. 
Ever since your ladyship has been off from the hooks with Mr. Valentine. In his own voice aloud.  L. Squ. 
Uh! good, I always thought Mr. Malagene had been better bread than to upbraid me with any such base thing to my face, what ever he might say of me behind my back: But there is no Honour, no Civility in the world, that I am satisfied of.  Val. 
Can your ladyship take any thing ill from Mr. Malagene? A woman should bear with the unluckly Jerks of her Buffoon or Coxcomb, as well as with the ill manners of her Monkey sometimes: The Fools and rascals your Sex delights in, ought to have the privilege of saying as well as they have of doing any thing.  L. Squ. 
Which you men of wit( as you think yourselves!) are very angry you should be debarred of: Lord, what pity 'tis your good parts should be your misfortune.  Val. 
Ay Madam, I feel the curse of it: I who had just sense enough to fall in love with so much Beauty and Merit, yet could not be able to keep the Paradise I was so happily possessed of.  L. Squ. 
This malice and ill-nature shall not serve your turn; I shall know all your proceedings and intrigues with Camilla, and be revenged on your love to her, for all the Affronts and Injuries you have done to mine.  Enter Caper and Saunter. Cap. 
Oh dear Madam, w'are utterly undone for want of your ladyships company I'll vow. Madam Goodvile is coming with the Fiddles to wait on you here. Cuts backward.  Sir Noble. 
Sir, are you a Dancing-Master? you are very nimble methinks.  Caper. 
Ay Sir, I hate to stand still. But Sir Noble, I thought you had known me. I doubt you may be a little over-taken; Faith, dear heart, I am glad to see thee so merry.  Sir Noble. 
Yes, I do love dearly to be drunk once a year or so, 'tis good for my bodily health. But do you never drink?  Cap. 
No, Sir Noble, that is not my Province you know: I mind Dancing altogether.  Sir Noble. 
Nor you? can't you drink, ha?  Saunt. 
No, I make love and sing to Ladies.  Sir Noble. 
Whores to my knowledge, errand rank common Whores. A pox on your woman of quality that you carried me to in the Mail.  Trum. 
Why, what was the matter Sir Noble?  Sir Nob. 
By yea and by nay, a foul over-grown Strumpet, with a running bawd instead of a Waiting-woman, a great deal of Paint, variety of old clothes, and nothing to eat.  L. Sq. 
Oh dear, let me die, if that was not extravagantly pleasant.  Trum. 
I believe Sir Noble is much in the right, for I never came near these giddy intriguing Blockheads, but they were talking of Love and Ladies; nor ever met with a hackney stripping Whore that did not know' em.  Cap. 
Ned Valentine, I have a kindness to beg of you.  Val. 
Sir, you may command me any thing.  Cap. 
Why, you must know I am in love with Camilla.  Val. 
Very good.  Cap. 
Now I would have you speak to Frank Goodvile not to make love to her as he does, i'faith I can't bear it; for to tell you the truth on't, I intend to mary her; I catched him at it but now: Faith it made my heart ache, never stir if it did not. Ex.  Val. 
Introth Sir 'tis very uncivil: Truman, this Goodvile has a mind to oblige us both; he's providing a Wife for me too as fast as he can. Camilla's his quarry now I understand, and by that time he has played as fair a Game with her as he has done with your mistress Victoria, I may stand fair to put in for the Rubbers.  Trum. 
Valentine, thou art upon too sure grounds for him there; Camilla has both too much wit and virtue, and each with as little affectation as the other.  Val. 
Jack, after this I cannot but be very free with you; I know there is some love hatching between you and his Wife: both our revenge lies in thy hands, and if thou dost not thyself and me justice, I'll disown thee for ever.  Trum. 
See where he comes with a heart as gay and light, as if there were nothing but honesty in it.  Enter Goodvile. Sings. 
When Beauty can't move, and our passions grow could,  
Wine still keeps its charms, and we drink when w'are old.  Good. 
— Jack Truman, yonder have I and Victoria been laughing at thee till we were weary. She swears thou art so very modest, she would not for all the world mary thee for fear of spoiling that virtue.  Trum. 
Nay then I doubt I have lost her for ever; for if she complains of my modesty, she has found a fault which I never thought I had been guilty of before.  Goodv. 
But that is a quality which though they hate never so much in a Gallant, they are apt for many reasons to value in a Husband: Fear not, Dissimulation is the natural adjunct of their Sex; and I would no more despair of a woman, though she swore she hated me, then I would believe her though she swore she loved me.  Enter Lady Squeamish, and the rest of the Company with the Fiddles. L. Sq. 
Oh a Country Dance, a Country Dance! Mr. Caper where are you? you shall dance with Madam Camilla. Mr. Saunter wait on Victoria. Mr. Goodvile your humble Servant. Dear Mr. Truman won't you oblige me? Madam Goodvile— ha, ha, ha: I'll swear I had utterly forgotten Mr. Valentine.  Val. 
Your ladyship knows me to be a civil person, if you please, I'll keep good orders. All take out the Women.  Malag. 
Faith Ned do, and I'll keep the music in tune: Away music plays. with it; Hold, hold— what insufferable Rascals are these? why ye scurvy thrashing scraping Mongrels, ye make a worse noise then cramped hedgehogs. An old gouty Dancing-Master that teaches to dance with his Spectacles on, makes better music on his cracked Kitt— 'Sdeath ye Dogs can't you play now as a Gentleman sings? ha—  Goodv. 
Sir, will you never leave this nauseous humour of yours? I can never be with you but I must be forced to use you ill, or endure the perpetual torment of your Impertinence.  Malag. 
Well Sir, I ha' done Sir, I ha' done: but 'tis very hard a man can't be permitted to show his parts. 'Sdeath Frank, dost thou think thou understand'st music?  Goodv. 
Sir I understand it so well, that I won't have it interrupted in my company by you.  Malag. 
I am glad on't with all my heart; I never thought you had understood any thing before.— I think there I was pretty even with you.  Goodv. 
Sauciness and ill-manners are so much your province, that nothing but kicking is fit for you.  Malag. 
Sir, you may use your pleasure; but I care no more for being kicked, then you do for kicking. But prithee Frank why should you be out of humour so? The Devil take me, if I shall not give thee such a jerk presently will make thee angry indeed.  L. Sq. 
Lord, Mr. Goodvile, how can you be so ill-natured? I'll swear Mr. Malagene is in the right. These people have no manners in the least, play not at all to dancing: but I vow he himself sings a Tune extreme prettily.  Goodv. 
Death, Hell and the Devil, how am I teaz'd? I shall have no opportunity to pursue my business with Camilla: I must remove this troublesome Coxcomb, and that perhaps may put stop at least to her Impertinence.  L. Squ. 
Mr. Truman, Mr. Goodvile, and Ladies, I beseech you do me the favour to hear Mr. Malagene sing a Scotch Song: I'll swear I am a strange Admirer of Scotch Songs, they are the pretti'st soft melting gentle harmless things—  Saunt. 
By Dad, and so they are.— In January last— Sings.  Val. 
Deliver us! A Scotch Song! I hate it worse then a Scotch Bagpipe, which even the Bears are grown weary of, and have better music. I wish I could see her ladyship dance a Scotch Jigg to one of' em.  Mal. 
I must needs beg your ladyships pardon, I have forgotten the last new Scotch Song: But if you please, I'll entertain you with one of another nature, which I am apt to believe will be as pleasant.  L. Sq. 
Let me die, Mr. Malagene, you are eternally obliging me.  Malag. sings an Irish Cronon. Malag. 
Well, Madam, how like you it Madam, ha?  L. Sq. 
Really it is very pretty now— the pretti'st odd out of the way Notes. Don't you admire it strangely?  Mal. 
I'll assure your ladyship I learnt it of an Irish Musician that's lately come over, and intend to present it to an Author of my Acquaintance to put it in his next Play.  L. Sq. 
Ha, ha, Mr. Valentine, I would have you learn it for a Serenade to your mistress,— ha, ha, ha.  Val. 
My page., Madam, is docible, and has a pretty voice, he shall learn it if you please; and if your ladyship has any further service for him—  L. Sq. 
Ah Lord, Wit, wit, wit, as I live! Come let's dance.  Trum. 
Valentine, thou art something too rough; I am afraid her ladyship will be revenged; I see mischief in her eyes; 'tis safer provoking a Lancashire Witch, then an old mistress; and she as violent in her malice too.  Goodv. 
Malagene, a word with you— hark ye, come hither.  Goes to the Door. Mal. 
Well Frank, what's the business now? I am clearly for mischief, shall I break the Fiddles, and turn the Rascals out of doors?  Goodv. 
No, Sir; but I'll be so civil to turn you out of doors. Nay, Sir, no struggling, I have Footmen within.  Mal. 
who, prithee what's all this for? What a pox, I know my Lady well enough for a silly affencted fantastical Gipsey: I did all this but o' purpose to show her— Let me alone, I'll abuse her worse.  Goodv. 
No Sir; but I'll take more care of your reputation, and turn you out to learn better manners. No resistance as you tender your Ears; but begon. Exit.  Goodv. 
So, he's gone, and now I hope I may have some little time to myself.— Fiddles strike up. Dance.  Truman. 
Thus Madam you freely enjoy all the pleasures of a single life, and ease yourself of that wretched formal Austerity which commonly attends a married one.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Who would not hate to be one of those simpering Saints that enter into Marriage as they would go into a Nunnery, where they keep very strict to their Devotion for a while, but at last turn as errand Sinners as e're they were.  Truman. 
Marriages indeed should be repaired to as commonly Nunneries are, for handsome retreats and conveniences, not for Prisons, where those that cannot live without 'em may be safe, yet sometimes venture too abroad a little.  Mrs. Goodv. 
But never Sir without a Lady Abbess or a Confessor at least.  Trum. 
Might I Madam, have the honour to be your Confessor, I should be very indulgent and lavish of Absolution to so pretty a Sinner.  Mrs. Goodv. 
See, Mr. Goodvile and Madam Camilla I believe are at shrift already.  Trum. 
And poor Ned Valentine looks as pensively as if all the sins of the Company were his own.  Mrs. Goodv. 
See Mr. Caper your Mistress.  Cap. 
Ha Camilla! Sir your Servant, may I have the honour to led this Lady a Coranto?  Goodv. 
No Sir, Death! surely I have Fools that rest and harbour in my house, and they are a worse plague then bugs and moths: shall I never be quiet?  Val. 
Sir Noble, Sir Noble, have a care of your mistress! do you see there?  Sir Noble. 
Hum— ha— where? oh— Wakes and rises.  Saunt. 
Nay, faith Madam, Harry Caper's as pretty a Fellow! 'tis the wittiy'st Rogue: He and I laugh at all the Town. Harry, I shall mary her.  Sir Nob. 
mary Sir! whom will you mary Sir? you lie. Sweet Heart come along with me, I'll mary thee myself presently.  Victo. 
You, Sir Noble!— what d'ye mean? She squeaks.  Sir Noble. 
Mean! honourably, honourably, I mean honourably. These are Rogues my Dear, arrant Rogues. Come along.— Ex. Sir Nob. Vict.  Cap. 
Ha, Saunter.—  Saunt. 
Ay Caper, ha! Let us follow this drunken Knighit.  Cap. 
I faith, and so I will— I don't value him this! cuts.  Ex. Cap. and Saunt. L. Sq. 
Ha, ha, ha! Well, I'll swear my Cousin Sir Noble is a strange pleasant Creature. Dear Madam, let us follow and see the sport. Mr. Truman will you walk? Oh dear, 'tis violent hot. Exeunt.  Val. 
I'll withdraw too, and at some distance observe how matters are carried between Goodvile and Camilla. Exit.  Goodv. 
Are you then Madam resolved to ruin me? Why should all that stock of Beauty be thrown away on one that can never be able to deserve the gleanings of it? I love you—  Cam. 
And all the Sex besides. That ever any man should take such pains to forswear himself to no purpose!  Goodv. 
Nay, then there's hopes yet, if you pretend to doubt the truth of my love; 'tis a sign you have some inclinations at least that are my Friends.  Cam. 
This Goodvile I see is one of those spruce polished Fools, who have so good an opinion of themselves, that they think no woman can resist 'em, nor man of better sense despise' em. I'll seem at present to comply, and try how far 'twill pass upon him.  Goodv. 
Well Madam, have you considered on't? will the ston in your heart give way?  Cam. 
No Sir, 'tis full as firm and hard as ever' twas.  Goodv. 
And I may then go hang or drown, or do what I will with myself? ha?  Cam. 
At your own discretion Sir, though I should be loth to see so proper a handsome Gentleman come to an ill end.  Goodv. 
Good charitable Creature! But Madam, know I can be revenged on you for this; and my revenge shall be to love you still; gloat on and loll after you where ere I see you; in all public meetings haunt and vex you; writ lamentable Sonnets on you, and so plain, that every Fop that sings 'em shall know 'tis you I mean.  Cam. 
So Sir, this is something: Could not you as well have  told me you had been very ill-natured at first? you did not know how far it might have wrought upon me; besides, 'tis a thousand times better then vowing and bowing, and making a deal of love and noise, and all to as little purpose as any thing you say else.  Goodv. 
Right exquisite Tyrant! I'll set a watch and guard so strict upon you, you shall not entertain a well-drest Fool in private, but I'll know it; Then in a lewd Lampoon publish it to the Town; till you shall repent and curse the hour you ever saw me.  Cam. 
Ah would I could, ill-natured cruel man!  Goodv. 
ha, how's that? am I then mistaken? and have I wronged you all this while? I ask ten thousand pardons; cursed damned sot that I was! I have ruined myself now for ever.  Cam. 
Well Sir, should I now forgive you all, could you consent to wrong your Lady so far? you have not yet been married a full year: How must I then suspect your love to me, that can so soon forget your faith to her?  Goodv. 
Oh Madam, what do you do? the name of a Wife to a man in love is worse then could water in a fever: 'tis enough to strike the Distemper to my heart and kill me quiter, my Lady quoth a!  Cam. 
Besides, Valentine you know is your Friend.  Goodv. 
I grant it, he is so; A Friend is a thing I love to eat and drink and laugh withall: Nay more, I would on a good occasion lose my life for my Friend; but not my pleasure. Say where and when it shall be?  Cam. 
Never, I dare not.  Goodv. 
You must by and by when 'tis a little darker, in the left-hand Walk in the lowest Garden.  Camil. 
I won't promise you; can't you trust my good nature?  Goodv. 
Charming Creature! I do: Now if I can but make up the Match between Truman and Victoria, my hopes are completed.  Cam. 
hast! hast! away Sir, I see Valentine coming.— Ex. Goodv.  Enter Valentine. Val. 
Madam, you are extremely merry; I am glad Mr. Goodvile has left you in so good a humour.  Cam. 
Ay Sir, and what may please you more, he is partend hence in as good a humour as he has left me here.  Enter Lady Squeamish, Bridget at the Door. L. Sq. 
Valentine and Camilla alone together! Now for an opportunity to be revenged! ah how I love malice!  Val. 
Ungratefull'st of women!  Cam. 
Foolishest of men! Can you be so very silly to be jealous? for I find you are so: What have you ever observed since first your knowledge of me that might persuade you I should ever grow fond of a man, as notoriously false to all Women, as you are unworthy of me? Aside.  L. Squ. 
Has Valentine been false to her too? nay, then there is some pleasure left yet, to think I am not the onely Woman that has suffered by his baseness.  Val. 
What then, I'll warrant you were alone together half an hour only for a little harmless raillery or so; an honour I could never obtain without hard svit and humble supplication.  Cam. 
Alas! how very politic you are grown! you would pretend displeasure to try your power. No— I shall henceforth think you never had a good opinion of me, but that your Love was at first as ill grounded as your fantastical Jealousy is now.  Val. 
What specious pretence can you urge?( I know a Woman can never be without one;) come, I am easy and good natured, willing to believe and be deceived:— what, not a word?  Camill. 
Though I can hardly descend to satisfy your distrust, for which I hardly value you and almost hate you; yet to torment you farther, know I did discourse with him, and of love too; nay more, granted him an appointment, but one I never meant to keep, and promised it onely to get rid of him. This is more then I am obliged to tell you, but that I wanted such an opportunity as this to check your pretences, which I found grew too unruly to be kept at a distance.  Val. 
Tho' I had some reason to be in doubt, yet this true resentment and just proceeding has convinced me: For Goodvile is a man I have little reason to trust, as will appear hereafter, and 'twas my knowledge of his baseness made me run into so mean a distrust of you: But forgive me this, and when I fail again discard me for ever.  Cam. 
Yes: But the next time I shall happen to discourse with a Gentleman in private, I shall have you listening at the door or eves-dropping under the window. What, distrust your friend the honourable worthy Mr. Goodvil!— fie, how can you be so ungenerous?  Val. 
There is not such another Hypocrite in the World: He never made Love but to delude, nor Friendship but for his ends:— Even his own Kinswoman, and charge Victoria he has long since corrupted, and now would put her on his best Friend Truman for a Wife.  Cam. 
I cannot but laugh to think, how easily he swallowed the cheat: He could not be more transported at possession, then he was with expectation, and he went away in a greater Triumph then if he had conquered the Indies.  Val. 
Where did you promise him?  Cam. 
In the left hand walk in the lower Garden.  L. Squ 
So in the left hand walk in the lower Garden: I heard that. Aside.  
But Mr. Valentine you may chance to meet another there:  
Let me die, this is pleasant.  Val. 
And when?  Cam. 
Anon when it begins to grow dark.  L. Squ. 
Enough, I know the time and place; and Madam Camilla, I shall make bold to cheat you of your Lover to night. Alas poor inconsiderable Creature, how this makes me loathe her!  Camil. 
Now would this News be more welcome to her Ladishp Madam Squeamish, then a new Fashion, a new Dance, or a new Song: How many Visits would she make on the occasion! not a Family in Town would be at rest for her, till she had made it a Jest. From the Mother of the Maids, to the Atturney's Wife in Holborn.  Val. 
But for some private reasons I would have kept it from her, and from Madam Goodvile too. There are Affairs to be carried on to Night, which the least Accident may interrupt.— Besides, I have thought upon't, and will so contrive the matter, that Goodvile shall keep his Assignation, and her ladyship her self supply the place of the much expected charming Camilla.  Cam. 
But would you Sir do me such an Injury as to make me break my word with Mr. Goodvile? that were inhuman.  Val. 
Good Conscionable Creature have patience, and don't you think of paying Debts too fast, there's an Account yet between you and I which must be made even; and I think I had best secure it now I have you in my custody.  Cam. 
Ay but Sir, if I part with any thing, I shall expect to have something to show for't.  Val. 
Nay, if I don't offer as lusty security and conditions as any man, let me lose all I lay claim to, that's fair. Exeunt.  L. Squ. 
So, are they gone? Now let me but live if this Intrigue be not extremely surprising. Bridget go home, and fetch me the Morning-Gown I had last made in imitation of Camilla's, for perhaps I shall go a Masquerading to Night, or it may be not, but fetch it nevertheless.  bridge. 
Madam, won't the other serve? you may remember you left it at my Lady Foplove's t'other Night; that's nearer.  L. Squ. 
Impertinent Creature! and wouldst thou have me appear in it twice? Do as I bid you, I say; And d'ye hear, bring me a Mask with an Amber-Bead, for I fear I may have Fits to Night.  bridge. 
I never knew her without fantastical ones I am sure, for they cost me many a weary Errand. Ex.  Enter Victoria. L. Squ. 
Oh my dear Victoria! the most unlooked for happiness! the pleasant'st accident! the strangest discovery! the very thought of it were enough to cure melancholy. Valentine and Camilla, Camilla and Valentine, ha, ha, ha.  Victo. 
Dear Madam, what is it so transports you?  L. Squ. 
Nay, 'tis too precious to be communicated: hold me, hold me, or I shall die with laughter— ha, ha, ha, Camilla and Valentine, Valentine and Camilla— ha ha ha.— O dear, my heart's broken.  Victo. 
Good Madam refrain your mirth a little, and let me know the Story, that I may have a share in it.  L. Squ. 
An Assignation! an Assignation to Night in the lower Garden.— By strong good fortune I over-heard it all just now— but to think on the pleasant consequence that will happen, drives me into an excess of joy beyond all sufferance.  Victo. 
Madam, in all probability the pleasant'st consequence is like to be thei●s if any bodies, and I cannot guess how it should touch your ladyship in the least.  L. Squ. 
Oh Lord, how can you be so dull? why, at the very hour and place appointed will I meet Valentine in Camilla's stead, before she can be there her self; then when she comes expose her infamy to all the world, till I have thoroughly revenged myself for all the base Injuries her Lover has done to me.  Victo. 
But Madam, can you endure to be so malicious?  L. Squ. 
That, that's the dear pleasure of the thing; for I vow I'd sooner die ten thousand deaths, if I thought I should hazard the least temptation to the prejudice of my honour.  Victo. 
But why should your ladyship run into the mouth of danger? Who knows what scurvy lurking Devil may stand in readiness and seize your virtue before you are ware of him?  L. Squ. 
Temptation? No I d have you know I scorn Temptation: I durst trust myself in a Convent amongst a Kennel of crammed Friers: Besides that ungrateful ill-bredfellow Valentine is my mortal aversion: more odious to me then foul Weather on a May-Day, or ill smell in a Morning.  Victo. 
Nay, now Madam you are too violent.  L. Squ. 
Too violent! I would not keep a waiting-woman that should commend any one thing about him: Dear Victoria urge nothing in his behalf, for if you do, you lose my friendship for ever: Tho' I swear he was a fine Person once, before he was spoiled.  Vict. 
I am sure your ladyship had the best share in his spoiling then. Aside.  L. Squ. 
No, were I inclined to entertain addresses, I assure I need not want for Servants: For I swear I am so perplexed with Billet Deux every Day, I know not which way to turn myself: Besides there is no fidelity, no honour in Mankind: Oh dear Victoria! whatever you do, never let Love come near your heart: Though really I think true Love is the greatest pleasure in the World.  Victo. 
Would I had never known Love: My honour had not then lain at the mercy of so ungrateful a Wretch as Goodvile, who now has certainly abandoned and forgotten me.  L. Squ. 
Well, certainly I am the most unsteady restless humoursome woman breathing: Now am I so transported at the thoughts of what I have designed, that I long till the hour comes, with more Impatience then— I'l swear I know not what to say— Dear Victoria ten thousand adieus— Wish me good success— Yet now I think on't I'l stay a little longer— I'l swear I must not neither— Well! I'l go— No, I'l stay— Well, I am resolvd neither to stand still— sit still— nor lye still— nor have one thought at rest— till the business be over.— I'l swear I am a strange Creature. Exit L. Squ.  Victo. 
farewell Whirligig.  Enter Goodvil. Goodv. 
Victoria here! To meet with an old Mistress when a man is in pursuit of a fresh one, is a worse Omen then a Hare in a Journey.  
I'l step aside this way till she's past me, so, farewell Fubb.  Makes mouths. Exit Victo. 
Now for the lovely kind yielding Camilla! How I long for the happy hour! Swelling burning breasts, dying eyes, balmy lips, trembling joints, millions of kisses and unspeakable joys wait for me.  Enter Truman and Valentine. 
Well, Gentlemen! Now you have left the Ladies, I hope there may be room near your hearts for a Bottle or two.  Trum. 
Dear Goodvil thou art too powerful to be denied any thing. 'tis a fine cool Evening, and a swift Glass or two now were seasonable and refreshing, to wash away the Toil and Fatigue of the Day.  Val. 
After a man has been disturbed with the public Impertinences and Follies he meets withall abroad, he ought to recompense himself with a Friend and a Bottle in private at Night.  Goodv. 
Spoken like men that deserve the life you enjoy: I'l in before and put all things in readiness. Ex. Goodvil.  Val. 
This worthy Person for his honesty and sobriety, would have made a very good Dutch Burgomaster: But he is as damnable an English Friend and Gentleman as one would wish to meet withal.  Trum. 
Valentine, thou art too much concerned at him: Methinks Camilla's Justice and the pleasant Cheat she has put upon him, should rather make thee despise and laugh at him as I do.  Val. 
Truman, thou indeed hast reason: And when I shall know the happy success of the revenge thou hast in store for him, I may do myself and Him that Justice as scorn him, but am too angry yet.  Trum. 
Then to give thee ease( for I dare trust thee) know this very night I also have an Assignation with his Wife in the Grotto at the upper end of the Garden, the opposite walk to that where he expects to meet Camilla.  Val. 
Then I am at rest, let's in. I have nothing else to do but take care so to finish him, as that you shall fear no Interruption: At least he will be fo full of his expectation of Camilla, that he'l never dream in what posture his own affairs stand in another place.  Trum. 
Away then: and may good luck attend us: Er'e yet two hours are past, his Wife's my own methinks already in that secure dark private Grotto.  
Close in my arms, and languishing she lies,  
With dying looks, short breath, and wishing eyes;  
And the supine dull cuckolded nothing spies. Exeunt.   

THE FOURTH ACT. SCENE Night-garden.  Enter Goodvile at one Door, Mrs. Goodvile and lettuce following her at the other. Goodv. 
SO, I think I came off in good time: hold! now for Camilla, by Jove I think I am little better then drunk. ha! who's there, Victoria as I live; nay it must be she as I said before. The poor Gipsy's jealous; has had some intimation of my appointment with Camilla: I'll loof off and observe which way she steers.  Mrs. Good. 
lettuce I fear that's Mr. Goodvil's Voice, what ever you do, if any across accident happens, be sure you call me Victoria.  Good. 
ay ay, 'tis Victoria! Vigilant Devil! but I'll take this way, and wait at the lower end of the Walk.  Mrs. Goodv. 
lettuce look well round you that no body see us, and then follow me.  Enter Truman. Trum. 
Thus far all is well: how I pity poor Valentine! yonder is he plying Bumpers as they call 'em, more furiously then a Foreign Minister that comes into England to drink for the Honour of his Country. I have waited something long though, who comes here?  Enter lettuce. let. 
'tis I, Sir, your Servant lettuce.  Trum. 
My little good natured Agent is it you? where's thy Lady? she's too cruel to let a poor Lover languish here so long in expectation: it looks as if she rather meant to make a trial of my Patience, then my Love: is she coming?  let. 
Well, I swear( as my Lady Squeamish says) you are a strange Creature. But I'll go and tell her: Though I'll vow I utterly disown having any hand in this Business; and if any ill comes of it 'tis none of my fault.  Trum. 
No no, not in the least, prithee dispatch. How's this! more company! who comes there?  Enter Valentine. Val. 
'tis I, Jack Truman, your friend Valentine.  Trum. 
My dear encourager of Iniquity! what news? Where's Goodvile?  Val. 
No matter for Goodvile! here comes your Mistress.  Enter Mrs. Goodvile, Valentine retires. Trum. 
Now, now, now, what the Devil ails me? how I shall quake and tremble?  
Madam, dear Madam, where are you?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Mr. Truman, is't your voice? lettuce, you may go in again if you will.— Ex. lettuce.  
Well, Sir, I'll vow Sir, had it not been that I hate to break my word, I would not have ventured abroad this could damp evening for a World.  Trum. 
I'll warrant you Madam, whilst you are in my possession, no could shall hurt you: come, shall we withdraw to the Grotto?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Withdraw to the Grotto? bless me, Sir! what do you mean? I'll swear you make my Heart ache.  Trum. 
Oh Madam! I have the best Cure for the passion of the Heart in the World. I have tried it Madam, 'tis Probatum: come, come, let's retire,— do, make a disturbance and ruin yourself and me, do!  Mrs. Goodv. 
Nay, I'll swear, Sir, you are insufferably rude; you had best make a noise and Alarm my Husband, you had, for hang me I shall cry out.  Trum. 
No, no, I'm sure you won't complain before you are hurt; and I'll use you so gently— hark!— don't you hear, there's some body coming.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Where, where, where? If we are seen we are undone for ever: well, I'll never give you such an advantage again.  Trum. 
I 'm sure you would not, if I should let slip this. Come, come, delays are dangerous, and I can endure 'em no longer.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ah Lord you kill me!— what will become of me— ah— Carries her in.  Val. 
Nay, faith, Madam, your condition is something desperate that's certain. 'tis a pretty employment I am like to have here; but it is for the sake of my Friend and my Revenge: and two dearer Arguments there cannot be to persuade me to any thing.  Enter Malagene at some distance. Malag. 
So, Jack Truman and Madam Goodvile have ordered matters pretty well; I'll say that for my Kinswoman, she lays about her handsomely; but certainly I hear another Voice this way; I'll withdraw once again, there may be more sport yet,  Val. 
That should be Goodvile: I'll step behind this three, and see how he and her Ladyship behave themselves. This is like to be a night of as civil business as I have known a great while.  Enter Goodvile. Goodv. 
Death, and the Devil! how that puny Rogue Valentine has souced me? if I should have overstay'd the time now and mist of my appointment with Camilla— Truman is reel'd home thats certain, and Valentine I believe has followed him by this time. Camilla, dear, lovely, kind, tender, melting Camilla, where art thou?  Enter Lady Squeamish. L. Squ. 
That must be Valentine, nay, I am sure it is he! how sneakingly will he look when he shall find his mistake? but I'll take care if possible that no such thing shall happen, so mine be the pleasure, and Camilla's the scandal; I'll rush by him through the Walk into the Wilderness.  Runs across the Walk. Goodv. 
That must be she, how swiftly she flew along, as if she feared to be too late, loosely attired and fit for Joys! Now all the power of Love and good fortune direct me. Exit.  Val. 
So, thanks to our Stars, he is safe; though a Pox on't, methinks this dry pimping is but a scurvy employment: had I but a Sister or Kinswoman of his to keep doing withall, there were some comfort in it,— but here comes Truman and the Lady, I must not be seen. Ex.  Enter Truman and Mrs. Goodvile. Trum. 
You shall not go: Come but back a little, I have something more to tell you that nearly concerns us both: besides, Mr. Goodvil's in the Garden, and if he should chance to meet us, what excuse could we make to him?  Mrs. Goodv. 
But will you promise me Victoria shall never rob me of your Heart? She does not deserve it I am sure half so well as I.  Trum. 
Kind tender hearted Creature I know it: nor shall she ever come so near it, as to know that I have one:— alas! we talk too long, Noise. I hear company coming, we shall be surprised, and disappointed, and then I am undone.  Mrs. Goodv. 
I'll swear you make me tremble every joint of me: what would you have me do?  Trum. 
See, see, who are yonder. Exeunt Truman and Mrs. Goodvile.  Enter Goodvile and Lady Squeamish. Goodv. 
What a feast of delight have I had! surely she was born only to make me happy! her natural and unexperienced Tenderness exceeded practised Charms:— Dear blessed lovely Camilla, oh! my Joys!  L Squ. 
Ha, ha, ha!  Goodv. 
How's this? my Lady Squeamish!— Death and the Devil.  L. Squ. 
Truly sweet Mr. Valentine the same: Now, Sir, I hope— Ugh gad! Mr. Goodvile! They stare at each other.  Goodv. 
Have I been mumbling an Old Kite all this while instead of my Young Partridge? a Pox o' my depraved palate that could distinguish no better.  L. Squ. 
Lord Mr. Goodvile, what ails you!— this was an unexpected Adventure; but let let me die, it is very pleasant: ha, ha, ha.  Goodv. 
A Pox on the pleasures, and you too I say.  L. Squ. 
This malicious Devil Camilla has overreached me:— Well Mr. Goodvile you are the worthiest person;— had I an only Daughter, I durst trust her with you, you are so very civil:— well, Innocence is the greatest happiness in the World.  Goodv. 
Right Madam, it is so, and you know we have been very innocent; done no harm in the world, not we.  L. Squ. 
The Censorious World if they knew of this Accident, I know would be apt enough to speak reproachfully; but so long as I myself am satisfied in the Integrity of my Honour, the World is a thing I defy and scorn.  Goodv. 
Very Philosophically spoken:— But, Madam, so long as the World is to be a stranger to our Happiness, why should we deny ourselves the second pleasure of Congratulation?  L. Squ. 
Alas, alas, Mr. Goodvile, you cannot say that you have had the least advantage over my frailty: well, what might have happened if the strict severity of both our virtues had not secured us?  Goodv. 
This affencted Impudence of hers is beyond all the impertinence I ever knew her guilty of:— virtue with a Pox! I think I have reason to know her pretty well, and the Devil of any virtue found I about her.  L. Squ. 
But dear Sir, let us talk no more of it: though I am extremely mistaken if I saw not Mr. Valentine enter the Garden before me, and am as much mistaken if a Lady was not with him too.  Goodv. 
Hell and Confusion! that must be Victoria: I thought indeed I saw her, but being hot-headed, and apprehending she came with a malicious design of discovering me, avoided her,— false to me with Valentine?  L. Squ. 
I'll swear Mr. Goodvile I have long suspected an Intrigue between you and Madam Victoria, and this Jealousy has confirmed me, and I would not for all the World but have known it. Ha, ha, ha.  Goodv. 
Death Madam! this is beyond all sufferance:— disappointed, and jilted by Camilla! abused by Victoria! and with Valentine too, Trumans friend, whom I thought should have married her!—  
shane and Infamy light upon the whole Sex! may the best of 'em be ever suspected, and the most cautious always betrayed.  L. Squ. 
Dear Mr. Goodvile be patient: let me die, you are enough to frighten our whole Sex from ever loving or trusting men again:— Lord, I would not be poor Madam Victoria, to gain an Empire, I'll swear if you are not more moderate, you'll discompose me strangely:— how my heart beats!  Goodv. 
Patience! preach it to a galled lion:— no, I am sure she is not far off, and I will find her; surprise her in the midst of her Infamy and prostitution;— 'Sdeath Madam, let me go.  L. Squ. 
I will not part with you, you ill-natured Creature; you shall not go:— I vow, I'll cry a Rape if you offer to stir:— oh my heart, here's Malagene.  Enter Malagene Singing Frank, Frank, Frank, &c. Malag. 
Why how now Frank, what a pox, out of humour? Why Madam, what have you done to him; what have you done to him Madam? Lord how he looks!— why Frank I say, prithee bear up.  Goodv. 
Hark you Dog fool Coxcomb, hold that impertinent impudent Tongue of yours or I'll cut it out; 'Sdeath you Buffoon I will.  Malag. 
No, but hark you dear heart, good words, good words do you hear, or I shall publish, by my Soul Joy, I shall.  Goodv. 
How am I continually plagued with Rogues and owls! I'll set my house o'fire rather then have it haunted and pestered by such vermin.  Malag. 
Faith Frank do: I have not seen a House o'fire this great while, it would be a pretty frolic, prithee let us about it presently.  L. Squ. 
Dear Mr. Goodvile you shall be persuaded: don't run yourself into danger thus rashly.  Goodv. 
Do you hear then, Monsieur Pimponio, as you expect to live a quiet hour, run in and call for some Lights, and return with 'em instantly.  Malag. 
Say no more Dear Heart; I'll do't: if mischief comes not of this the Devil's in't— but dear Frank stay till I come again, I'll be back in a Trice; take t'other turn with her Ladyship into the Wilderness; or any thing. Ex. Malag.  L. Squ. 
Let me not live, this Mr. Malagene is a very obliging Person, and methinks Mr. Goodvile you use him too severely.  Goodv. 
I wish Madam he may deserve that Character of you: he is one of those Worldlings you were speaking of, that are apt to talk reproachfully: and I believe knows all that has past between us to night, for he has a shrewd discerning judgement in these matters.  L. Squ. 
Lord Mr. Goodvile what can he say of me? I defy even Envy itself to do me or my Honour any prejudice: though I wish I had let this frolic alone to night.  Goodv. 
frolic with a Pox!— if these be her Frollicks, what the Devil is she when she is in earnest? Oh he returns with the Lights:— look who are these? by Heaven the same.  Enter Truman and Mrs. Goodvile. Trum. 
Gently, gently Madam, for fear of an Ambuscade; I wonder I hear nothing from Ned Valentine since?  Mrs. Godv. 
See, see Sir, here's Mr. Goodvile: hast, hast down the other Walk, or we are ruined.  Trum. 
Fear not, trust all to my Conduct. Exeunt.  As Mrs. Goodvile is going away, Goodvile catches hold of her Gown— she claps on her mask. Goodv. 
Stay Madam Victoria, nay you may stay, 'tis in vain to fly, I have discovered all your falsehood, I have: was mine a passion to be thus abused? I who have given you all my Heart! perfidious false Woman!— is your Lover too ashamed or afraid to show himself? where is he? why comes he not forth?  Enter Truman. Trum. 
Here I am Sir.  Goodv. 
ha! Truman! Mrs. Goodv. gets loose and Ex.  Trum. 
Yes Sir, the same: ready both to aclowledge and justify my being here with Victoria, which I thought Sir, might have been allowed without any offence to Mr. Goodvile. That she is Innocent as to any thing on my part, I am ready with my Sword to make good; but Sir, I wear it too to do my own Honour Justice, and to demand of you on what grounds you appear so highly concerned for a Woman you were pleased to commend to your friend for a Wife?  Goodv. 
concerned Sir! have I not reason to be concerned for the Honour of my Family? for a Kinswoman under my charge to be abroad and alone with a Gentleman at this unseasonable hour, might alarm a Man less tender of his reputation then I am.  Trum. 
Sir, this excuse won't serve my turn; nor am I so blind as not to be sensible( which I before suspected,) that Victoria has been long your Mistress:— A pox of the Honour of your Family, you had given her all your Heart you said; and your Passion was not a thing to be thus abused: nor Sir, is my Honour.  Goodv. 
No, but dear Jack Truman, thou art my Friend.  Trum. 
You would have made me believe so indeed; but the daubing was too course, and the artificial Face appeared too plain:— One would have thought Sir, that you who keep a general Decoy here for Fools and Coxcombs, might have found one to have recompensed a Cast Mistress withall, and not have endeavoured the betraying the Honour of a Gentleman and your Friend: but Sir, I am glad I have heard it from your own mouth: I hope it will not be esteemed much ill-nature in me, if worthy Mr. Malagene and I, join forces to publish a little, as he calls it.  Malag. 
Faith Jack Truman, with all my heart; now I have him on my side, I dare say any thing— Frank Goodvile— pugh.  Goodv. 
Sir, I shall require a better account of this hereafter.  L. Squ. 
Lord Mr. Truman, what ails Mr. Goodvile? how happened this difference?— I'll swear I am strangely surprised.  Trum. 
Your Ladyship I suppose can best give an account how matters are with him: I am apt to believe he has been very free with you.  L. Squ. 
Dear Sir, what do you mean? I'll swear you are a scandalous Person.  Goodv. 
Sir, since you are so rough, be pleased not to concern yourself with the Honour of this Lady; you may have enough to do if you dare justify your own to morrow.  Trum. 
If I dare?— nay Sir, since you question it, I'll convince you presently;— Draw. They fight.  Enter Valentine. Val. 
Hold, hold, what's the matter here?— Jack Truman, Frank Goodvile, for shane put up.  Enter Mrs. Goodvile. Mrs. Goodv. 
Where is this perfidious false man? where is Mr. Goodvile? So Sir, I have found now the original of all my Misfortunes: I have a rival it seems; Victoria, the happy Victoria, possesses all my Joys: what, have you been fighting too for the Honour of your Mistress?— here, come kill me: would I had been lain in my Grave, e're I had known thy odious polluted Bed.  Goodv. 
'Sdeath I thought she had been in her Chamber this hour at least:— 'tis true my Dear, I must own a kindness for Victoria, as my Kinswoman; but—  Mrs. Goodv. 
How! dare you own it? and to my face too? matchless Impudence! let me come at him, that I may tear out those hot lascivious glowing Eyes that wander after every Beauty in their way:— oh! that I could blast him with a look!— was my Love so despicable to be abandoned for Victoria's! The thought of it makes me mad: I'll endure it no longer, I will have Revenge or I will die! Oh!  Trum. 
Delicate Dissimulation! How I love her!  Goodv. 
Dear Madam hear me speak— Madam, I say that—  Mrs. Goodv. 
I know you cannot want an excuse, Dissimulation and falsehood have been your practise:— But that you should wrong me with Victoria, a Woman that for the sake of your Relation I had made my Friend,( for every thing that was allied to you was dear to me,) is an injury so great, that it distracts my Reason:— I could pardon any thing but my wronged Love.— Let me be gone; sand me to a Nunnery; confine me to a charnel House, Vile Ungrateful Wretch, any thing but thy presence 〈◇〉 can endure.  Goodv. 
Is there every way so damned a Creature as a Wife?—  
Lord Madam, do you know what you do?  Mrs. Goodv, 
I'll warrant it, you would persuade me I am mad:— Would I had been born a Fool! I might then have been happy: Patiently have passed over the many tedious Nights I have endured in your absence: Contented myself with Prayers for your safety.  Mal. 
Oh! Lord, Prayers!  Mrs. Goodv. 
When you in the very instant were languishing in the Arms of a Prostitute.  Goodv. 
Lord, Madam, I thought you had been in your Chamber now:— Curse on her what shall I do!  Mrs. Goodv. 
'tis a sign you believed me safe enough; you would not certainly else have had the Impudence to have brought a new Mistress under my Nose:— I see there how guilty she stands;— have you a stomach so hot that it can digest Carrion that has been buzzed about and blown upon by all the Flies in the Town? Or was it the fantasticalness of your Appetite, to try how so course a Dish would relish, after being cloyed with better feeding?— Nay Sir I have been informed of all.—  Val. 
Has then your virtuous ladyship been taking a little Love and Air with Mr. Goodvil this Evening? To La. Squeamish.  Goodv. 
Well, she has dealt with the Devil that's certain:— A Pox on t, I see there's no living for me in this side of the World:— Go, let the Coach be made ready; I'll into the Country.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Nay Sir I know my presence has always been uneasy to you; Day and Night you are from me, or if ever you come home, 'tis with an aching Head, and heavy Heart, which Victoria only has Charms enough to Cure. This in the first year of our Marriage! Nay and to own it! Proclaim your own falsehood and my disgraceful Injury in the face of the World, when Malagene too, the Trumpet of all the Scandal in Town was by, to be a Witness:— 'twas very discreetly done, and doubtless will be a Secret long.  Goodv. 
Whirr,— Nay since it is so, why the Devil should I strive to smother my good Actions?— Well, if you will have it so, Madam Victoria has been my Mistress, is my Mistress, and shall be my Mistress, and what a Pox would you have more? and so God b'ye to you.  Enter Sir Noble, Caper, and Saunter. S. Nob. 
How's this! Who's that speaks dishonourably of my Love, and Lady that shall be, Victoria? Before George she's a Queen, and whoever says to the contrary, I'll first make him eat my Sword, and then beat out his Teeth with the Hilts of it.  Cap. 
Oh! Dear Madam, yonder's all the Town in Musquerade; won't you walk in? they'l be gone if they see no Company: Jack Truman, dear Jack prithee go and take one frisk:— As I hope to be saved, there are Three or Four the finest Ladies, the delicatest shaped Women; I am sure I know 'em all.  true. 
Sir I wish you good Fortune, but I dare not venture, you know my Temper; I shall be very boisterous and mistake 'em for Whores, though if they be of your Acquaintance, I know they must be of Quality.  Cap. 
I Gad, and so they are, but Mum for that:— One of 'em is she that gave me this Ring; and the other presented me with a Gold enameled Watch could not cost less than Thirty guineas:— Trifles Jack which I have the Fortune to meet withal sometimes.  Saunt. 
Nay Sir you must not come off so,— Victoria your Mistress!  Goodv. 
Yes Sir, and how are you concerned at it?  Saunt. 
Nay Sir I can be as civil as any body,— Victoria your Mistress!  Goodv. 
'S death you Coxcomb, mind your singing, do you hear? and play the Fool by yourself, or—  Saunt. 
Sing Sir? so I can, Fa La Da La La, &c. Victoria your Mistress!  Goodv. 
Yes Sir, I say my Mistress.  S. Nob. 
'ounds, then Draw.  Val. 
Hold Sir Noble, you are too furious; what's the matter?  Cap. 
Why how now Saunter? How dost do dear Heart?— Sir, this Gentleman's my Friend, and—  Goodv. 
Was ever man so overwhelmed with Fools and Blockheads? Why you ill-ordered Addle-pated wadling brace of Puppies:— You Fool, in the first place sing and be safe,— and you slight grasshopper dance and divert me: Dance Sirrah, do you hear?  Cap. 
Dance Sir? and so I think I can Sir, and Fence, and play at Tennis, and make Love, and fold up a Billet Doux, or any thing better then you Sir: Dance quoth a— there Sir.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Nay Sir Noble, not only so, but owned and boasted of it to my Face:  told me—  S. Nob. 
Soul of my Honour, 'tis unpardonable: and I'll eat his Heart for it.  Goodv. 
Dear raw Head and bloody Bones be patient a little:— See see you Beagles, Game for you, fresh Game; that great Towser has started it already, on, on, on, halloo, halloo, halloo.  Thrusts 'em at his Wife, and Exit. L. Squ. 
But Dear Mr. Caper, Masqueraders did you say! I'll swear I'll among 'em, shall I not have your Company? Oh! Dear Masqueraders! I'll vow I can stay no longer. Exit hastily.  Val. 
Curse on her, she's gone and has prevented me:— Caper, Saunter, did you not hear my Lady call you? She's gone to the Masqueraders, for shane follow her; she'l take it ill you did not wait on her.  Saunt. 
Faith Caper and so she will. Well I am resolved to mary Victoria for fear of the worst:— Madam your most Devoted Servant: I hope our difference with Mr. Goodvil to Night—  Mrs. Goodv. 
Dear Sir it needs no excuse.  Cap. 
My resentments Madam—  true. 
You are too Ceremonious Gentlemen, and my Lady will fear she has lost you.  Cap. 
Dear Jack, as I  told thee before, I must bring thee acquainted with those Ladies.  Saunt. 
Prithee put on a mask and come among us, Jack, Faith do.  true. 
Sirs, I'll wait on you in a moment.  Both. 
Dear Soul Adieu. Embracing him.  Exeunt Singing and Dancing. true. 
These Coxcombs, Madam, came in a good time, they were never seasonable before.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Diseases and Visitations are necessary sometimes to sweep away the noisome Crowds that infest and encumber the World.  Mal. 
As I have often said I must publish, I must spread; and so God b'ye to you. Exit.  Enter lettuce. lettuce. 
Oh! Madam, yonder's my Master raving for his Coach: says he'l into the Country presently: Has given order to disperse the Company, what will you do?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Let him go, 'twere pity to hinder him:— ha! ha! ha! into the Country? I'd as soon believe he would turn Capuchin.  true. 
But Madam 'twas inhumanly done, to come yourself upon him: One would have thought that I had used him bad enough, for the wise mistake he made of Victoria.  Mrs. Goodv. 
I would not have missed it for the World: Now would he come on his Knees for Composition; and if I do not bring him to it within these four hours—  true. 
Why Madam, what will you do?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Put on all the notorious Affectations and ridiculous Impertinencies that ever the most eminent of our Sex have studied, or the Coxcombs of your Sex admired; then of a sudden seem to grow fond of both those Clincant Fools, which I am sure he of all things loathes; Yet do it too so forc'dly, that he himself shall find it only intended to give him vexation.  true. 
Have you then maliciously designed in spite of Nature, to keep me constant?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Which you will be sure to be!—  true. 
A Dozen new fresh young unseen Beauties, and the Devil himself in the Rear of 'em, cannot make me otherwise: I never really loved or lived till now: There is nothing I'd not wish to be, except the very Husband himself, rather then lose you.  Enter Valentine and Camilla. Val. 
Jack Truman!  true. 
Well, Ned, what's the matter?  Val. 
Treason Truman; your being here with Mrs. Goodvil I fear is discovered; I heard some such thing whispered among the Masqueraders, and Goodvil himself seems suddenly altered; I would advice you to come and show yourself, and make the best on't.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Let me alone; I'll secure all I'll warrant you: I 'm sure he can have no positive proofs: I'll instantly go and put all things in a confusion, contradict all the orders he has given for going into the Country; shut up myself in my Chamber, and not hear a word of him till he comes upon submission:— lettuce follow me to my Chamber presently.  Exit. true. 
Right exquisite Woman and Wife, good Luck attend thee.  Exit. lettuce. 
Well, my Lady certainly of a young Lady knows her business, and understands the managing of a Husband the best of any Woman in the World: I'll swear she is an ingenious person: Forty Ladies now at such an accident, would have been hurried and afraid, and the poor waiting Woman must have been sent forward and backward, and backward and forward to harken and inquire, but she shows all her changes in a motion.  Enter Goodvil. Goodv. 
How now lettuce? where's your Lady?  lettuce. 
Within Sir, in her Chamber.  Goodv. 
Are you sure of it?  lettuce. 
Sir she commanded me to follow her thither but now.  Goodv. 
Is she alone there?  lettuce. 
Ay Sir, I'll assure you she seldom desires Company:— But I must hasten and follow her.  Goodv. 
Stay a little, are you sure she was in the House, before this disturbance happened in the Garden?  lettuce. 
Sure Sir! why I myself was at the Chamber window with her when first she heard you exclaim against Madam Victoria! Poor Creature, I was afraid she would have fallen down dead on the floor: I catched her in my Arms, begged of her on my knees not to 〈◇〉 out; but she would hear nothing, but spite of force broken from me, and came hither with all that Impatience and Rage, the too sensible resentment of your unkindness had raised in her.  Goodv. 
Get you in presently, do you hear? and take no notice of what I have said to you as you tender your well-being.  lettuce. 
Yes Sir:— But if I conceal a word of it, may I never serve London Lady again, but be condemned to be a Country-Chamber-Maid, and kill pleas as long as I live.  Goodv. 
If I should have been in the wrong all this while, and mistaken my own Dear Wife for Victoria!— Ah! Curse on this hot head of mine! Pox on't it is impossible! Yet that mischievous Rogue Malagene was all the while in the Garden, and he has been at his Doubts and Ambiguities, and may-be's with me:— By this Light I am a cuckolded, an Arrant Rank stinking cuckolded.  Enter Victoria. Victo. 
What will become of me! whither shall I fly to hid my misfortune? Oh! that I might never see the Light again, but be for ever concealed in these shades.  Goodv. 
Dear Victoria is it you? be free with me; were you really in the Garden before, to night, or no?  Victo. 
I have not been out of the House since it was dark, till this minute, nor had I come hither now, but that I am destitute where to conceal myself from the malicious Eyes and Tongues of those, to whom your baseness has given an opportunity of Triumphing over my Misfortune and ruined Honour.  Goodv. 
Be not so outrageous; I'll reconcile all yet.  Victo. 
Which way is it possible? By to Morrow morning your very Footmen will have it in their mouths; and Malagene that keeps an Office of Intelligence for all the Scandal in Town, will be spreading it among his Coffee-House Companions, and at the Play whisper it to the Orange Women, who shall make a fulsome jest of it to the next Coxcomb that comes in half drunk, to Loll and Play, and be nauseously lewd with 'em in public.  Goodv. 
I tell thee it shall not be; Malagene's my Creature, or at least, henceforth I'll make him so; I have reasons for it, and to believe also that my Wife, my own delicate damned Wife, was the same I mistook for you in the Garden to night.  Victo. 
'tis true, I was at the same time to see for her in her Chamber, and she was not there; but cannot believe her in the least guilty of what you seem to accuse her of.  Goodv. 
confounded her:— She's an exquisite Jilt, through paced, and practised in all the cunning Arts and Sleights of falsehood: 'Sdeath how I could mince her! But here comes Malagene, he knows all, and I'll make him confess all, or I'll murd●r him.  Mnter Malagene. 
Well Sir what say you to this matter?  Mal. 
Faith Bully I think my dear Kinswoman has mauled you to some purpose; I'll say this for her, she has the true blood of the Malagene's in her: To lol dara lal, &c.  Goodv. 
What is't you mean Fool? Be plain, and unfold yourself.  Mal. 
Why you must know Frank, having a particular esteem for my Family,( the nearest Relation of which, I would go Fifty Miles to see hanged) I do think her as very a— But no more,— Mum dear Heart, Mum, I say.  Goodv. 
What's that you say Sir? what do you think my Wife?  Mal. 
Ay, what, Frank? what? now.  Goodv. 
Nay Sir, that you must resolve me.  Mal. 
Why then I'll tell the Frank; dost thou really think I love thee?  Goodv. 
I know you'l say so Sir, because you fear me.  Mal. 
Then prithee do so much as lend me ten Guinies for a day or two.  Goodv. 
Oh Sir to the purpose, to the purpose; be brief.  Mal. 
Nay then, Mum I say again.  Goodv. 
Will you never leave vexing me with your Impertinence? Must I be always forced to use you ill, to bring you to good manners?  Mal. 
Faith Child, I am loth to make mischief; I have been a very wicked ill-natured Impudent Fellow, that's the truth on't: But I find I lose myself by it: The very Poets themselves that were wont to stand in awe of me, care not a louse for me now; and there's not a common Whore in Town, but calls me Rogue and Rascal to my Face, as Impudently, as if I were her Pimp.  Goodv. 
Therefore Sir resolve to turn honest, and be just to your Friend.  Mal. 
The Devil take me Frank, if thou art not a very Impertinent Fellow:— Know! why who should know better than yourself? ha!  Goodv. 
Here are Five Guinies for you, upon Condition you make a full and true Relation of all you have discovered this night.  Mal. 
I'll do't; down with your dust.  Goodv. 
What will not this rakehell do to borrow money? I knew him make Love to a Chamber-Maid till he had borrowed Five Pounds of her at half a Crown a time.  Mal. 
Well Frank Goodvil, you may think as you please of me; but hang me like a Dog if I am not a very honest Fellow in my heart:— You would have me deal freely with you, you say, in this Business?  Goodv. 
I would so Sir, or I shall deal very roughly with you.  Mal. 
And you lent me these Five Guinies to that purpose?  Goodv. 
You are much in the right Sir.  Mal. 
Then to make short of the matter; thou art as arrant a poor silly cuckolded as one would wish to drink withal, and confounded me if I shall not be ashamed of thy Company.  Goodv. 
Confounded Whore!— Oh for a Legion of Devils to hurry her to Hell, and that I had but the driving of' em!  Mal. 
Nay nay Man, since 'tis so, never be angry for the matter: what a Pox, you thought to put the Mistress upon Truman! Truman has put the cuckolded upon you; Valentine has been Pimp in the business; and the Devil take me if I don't think, myself the honestest Fellow amongst you.  Victo. 
Now Sir consider what a wretched thing you have made me.  Goodv. 
No more; I'm thine, and here I seal my heart to thee forever.  Mal. 
Well Frank can I serve thee any further in this Business?  Goodv. 
That Sir, is as time shall try: And to convince you how fit I think you for my purpose, I know you are a Rascal not to be trusted: Therefore observe it, if you offer to stir beyond the Limits I set you, at that very instant I'll Murder you.  Mal. 
Prithee talk not to me of Limits and Murdering, I hope you take me Sir( under the Rose) for no Fool: And what a Pox do you think to make of me?  Goodv. 
A Spaniel to Hunt and Set the Game I mean to take: Oh! Malagene, there will be mischief Malagene, and new ripe fresh Scandal to treat of: I know it is an Office thou lovest, and therefore do it to obligethee.  Mal. 
I'Faith, and so I do with all my heart: But Frank I don't know how this Business will be brought about well: I have promised to meet Two or Three hearty old Souls to Morrow at Dinner, to Swear and Drink, and talk bawdy and Treason together for an hour or Two, they are all Atheists, and very honest Fellows.  Goodv. 
Oh Sir you may be hanged in good time: But for this present occasion I must use you: Victoria, do you with all your utmost Art dissemble but the least knowledge of what has happened to night: And Sir do you keep still that lying snearing ugly merry Face which you always wear when you design Mischief: I'll pretend this morning to pursue my Design of going into the Country; then when they are in the height of their pleasures and assurance of their safety, return and surprise' em.  Victo. 
But do you believe Sir that you can utterly abandon all sense of your past Love and Tenderness for a Woman, who has been so Dear to you? You will be apt to relapse again.  Goodv. 
I will sooner return to my Vomit: I am rather glad of the occasion to be rid of so troublesone uneasy a burden: A Wife after a Year, like a Garment that has been worn too long, hangs loose and awkardly on a Man, and grows a Scandal to him that wears it.  Victo. 
But can you then resolve to quit and disown her for ever?  Goodv. 
For ever my Victoria!— No more, but strait go to thy Chamber and wait for the happy Issue:— You Sir keep close to me:— Quit her! as cheerfully, as I would a shoe that wrings me. Then how loosely shall I move, 
Free and unbounded, taste the sweets of Life!  
Love where I please, and know no more the strife  
thats bread by that domestic Plague, called Wife. Exeunt.    

THE FIFTH ACT. SCENE Victoria's Chamber.  Enter Victoria. Victo. 
NOW I am satisfied I must be wretched! Oh Love! Unhappy Women's Curse, and Men's slight Game to pass their idle time at: I find too in myself the Common companion of Infamy, Malice. Has Goodvile's Wife ever wronged me? Never. Why then should I conspire to betray her? No, let my Revenge light wholly on that false perjured Man; as he has deceived and ruined me, I'll play false with him, make myself privy to his whole Design of surprising Truman and his Wife together: Then like a true Mrs. betray his Counsels to her, That she like a true Wife may spite of his Teeth deceive him quiter, And so I have the pleasure of seeing him a sealed stigmatized fond believing cuckolded: 'twill at least be some ease to me. Here he comes equip't and prepared for the pretended Journey.  Enter Goodvil and Boy. Goodv. 
Go bid the Coachman hasten, and get all things ready: I am uneasy till I am gone. 'tis time we were set out.  
The Wolves have preyed, and look the gentle Day  
Before the Wheels of Phoebus all about  
Dapples the drowsy East with Spots of Gray.  
Wife! Adieu dear Wife. Ah my Victoria, up already? so diligent to wish me a happy Journey? Certainly my good Angel is like Thee, and whensoe'r I err must meet me in thy shape. And with such softness smile and direct me.  Victo. 
As those whom Will with the Wisp bewitches  
Through Bogs, through Hedges and Ditches.  Goodv. 
No: Thou hast lead me out of the crooked froward Road of Matrimony, into the pleasant easy path of Love, where I can never leave my way, and must be always happy: But where's Malagene?  Victo. 
Below with Sir Noble. Whilst the Butler was asleep they stolen the Key from him: And there they are with the Fat-Red-Fac'd-Fidler that plays upon the Base, sitting Cross-leg'd upon the Floor, stripped to their Shirts, and drinking Bawdy-Healths.  Goodv. 
That fulsome Rogue will ruin all our Business. See here what I have discovered just now in the private Corner of a Window,( a place I suppose appointed for the purpose!) I found this Billet to my sweet Wife.  Reads. If Goodvil goes out of Town this morning, let me know it, that I may wait on you, and tell you the rest of my Heart, for you do not know how much I love you yet, Truman. 
Now if I am not a cuckolded let any honest Wittall judge, ha, ha, ha. How it pleases me! Blood! Fire! and Daggers!  Victo. 
But Sir! what do you resolve on?  Goodv. 
As I  told Thee, instantly to pretend a Journey out of Town, and return and surprise 'em; for I am sure they'l not be long asunder when I am out of the way: Oh! this Billet is a very honest Billet, and I know won't lye. But why should I spend my Time in talking of what but vexes me, when pleasures are so near me? Come my Victoria take me to thy arms, a moments Joy with Thee, would sweeten Years of Cares. The Devil—  Enter Mrs. Goodvil, and lettuce. Mrs. Goodv. 
Good morning to you Sir.  Goodv. 
Good night to you Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
How so Sir?  Goodv. 
Why good night or good morrow, 'tis all one; Ceremony is the least thing I take care of: You see I am busy.  Mrs. Goodv. 
I must confess, considering the humble Duty of a Wife, 'tis something rude in me, to interrupt you, but I hope when you know my intentions, you'l pardon me. They were only to take a civil leave of you: I find you are preparing for the Country Sir.  Goodv. 
Ay! A little Air will be very seasonable at present Madam, I shall grow rank else, and all the Company I keep will smell me out.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh what joy will fill each neighbouring Village! to hear our Landlords Honour's coming down. The Bells shall jangle out of Tune all Day; and at night the Curate of the Hamlet comes in the name of the whole Parish to bid his Patron welcome into the Country, and invite himself the next Lords Day to Dinner.  Goodv. 
I am glad to see you so pleasant Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Then the next Morning our Tenants dainty Daughter is sent with a Present of Pippins of the largest Size, culled by the good old drudge her Mother, which she delivers with a Curt'sie, and blushes in expectation of what his Worship will bestow upon her.  Goodv. 
Oh Madam, let not any thoughts of that Nature disturb you, I shall leave all my wanton Inclinations here, and only please myself when I am there sometimes to contemplate your ladyships Picture in the Gallery.  Mrs. Grodv. 
Then come the Country Squires, and their Dogs, the cleanlier sort of Creatures of the Two: strait w'are invited to the noble Hunt, and not a dear in all the Forest's safe.  Goodv. 
No Madam: No horned Beast shall suffer for my pleasure: I am lately grown a Philosopher, Madam; and find, we ought not hurt our fellow Creatures.  Mrs. Goodv. 
What is the reason that you use me thus?  Goodv. 
What is't I would not do to purchase quietness? Your injurious suspicions of me were tolerable, but the wrongs your jealousy has done Victoria—  Mrs. Goodv. 
I jealous of Victoria! No. Tho' my passion last night made me extravagant, when I discovered you with that naughty Lady Squeamish which I can easily forgive, if you'l but promise to forget her: For I am confident it was your first Transgression.  Goodv. 
Very quaint and pretty.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Yet I am too well satisfied of Victoria's virtue, for she's my Friend, and though I should see her in your Arms I could not harbour such a thought. No, Victoria, you must love me, and I'll love you; you shall call me your Love, and I'll call you my Dear, and we'l always go to the Play together, and to the Park together, and every where together; and when Mr. Goodvil's out of Town, we'l lye together.  Enter Servant. serve. 
Sir the Coach is ready.  Goodv. 
You think Madam, you have a fine easy Fool to play withal, but the gayness of your Face is too thin to hid the rancour of your Heart; and so my Dear jocund witty Devil Wife, I take my leave of you, never more from this minute to look on you.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Are you then inexorable? Relentless, cruel Man!  Goodv. 
Good easy melting kind-hearted Woman farewell. Exit.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ah wretched me.  lettuce. 
My Lady Swoons, Dear Madam Victoria hasten, and bring my Master back again, you can do any thing with him. Ex. Victo.  Mrs. Goodv. 
No no, lettuce! Let him alone, art thou sure he's gone?  lettuce. 
I hope so Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Then so soon as I am return'd to my Chamber, be sure you go yourself to Mr. Truman, and tell him if he has nothing else to do he may come hither to Day.  Enter Victoria. Victo. 
There is no prevailing with him, he cries aloud his House is infected, and that no man that valves his Health will stay in it. My Lady Squeamish too is arrived just as he left the Door: I am sure she'l come in, will you see her Madam?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh I am sick at the very name of her: Let all the Doors be barred against her, and Gunpowder under each Threshold-place, ready to blow her up, if she but offer an entrance. lettuce, lend me your hand a little: I'l to my Chamber instantly: Oh my Head! Ex. with lettuce.  Victo. 
This management of hers so charms me, that I can almost forget all the mischief she has done me: 'tis true she reproached me, but 'twas done so handsomely that I had doubly deserved it to have taken notice of it.  Enter L. Squeamish. L. Squea. 
Oh Dear Victoria, what will become of me! I am lost and undone for ever: Oh I shall die, I shall die; the Lord of my Heart, the Jewel of my Soul is false to me.  Victo. 
What ails your ladyship? Surely she's distracted?  L. Squea. 
Oh Goodvil, Goodvil! the false, cruel, remorseless Goodvil! I came just as his Coach was parting from the Door, yet he would not speak to me, would hardly see me, but away he driven, and smiling mocked my sorrows.  Victo. 
Alas! Her ladyship is passionate, as I live very passionate.  L. Squea. 
So Theseus left the Wretched Ariadne on the shore, so fled the false Aeneas from his Dido.  Victo. 
What could you expect less of him, Madam? falsehood is his province: Your ladyship should have made choice of a civil sober discreet Person, but Goodvil you know is a Spark, a very Spark.  L. Squea. 
That, that has been my ruin, it was therefore I adored him, what Woman would dote on a dull melancholy Ass, because she might be sure of him? No, a Spark is my Life, my Darling, the joy of my Soul, Oh how I dote on a Spark! I could live and die with a Spark. Victoria, I make you a Confident, and you must pardon me for robbing you of Mr. Goodvil: Come come, I know all.  Victo. 
Your ladyship knows more then all the World besides.  L. Squea. 
And as I was saying, A Spark is the Dearest thing to me in the World; I have had acquaintance I think with all the Sparks. Well; one of 'em that you know was a sweet Person: Oh he danced and sung and dressed to a Miracle, and then he spoken French as if he had been bread all his life time at Paris, and admired every thing that was French: Besides he would look so languishingly, and lisp so prettily when he talked; and then never wanted discourse: I'l swear he has entertained me two hours together with the description of an Equipage.  Victo. 
That must needs be very charming.  L. Squea. 
But Mr. Goodvil was a Wit too: Oh I never had a Wit before, for to speak the Truth, now I think on't better, all my Lovers have been a little Foolish I'l swear, ha, ha, ha. Sir Noble and Malagene at the Door drunk.  Malag. 
Scour, scour, scour.  Sir Nob. 
Down goes the Main-Mast, down, down, down. They enter. Malagene roar, roar, and ravish, here are punks in beaten satin, Sirrah; Termagant, triumphant, first-rate Punks, you Rogue.  Victor. 
How came these Ruffians here?  Sir Nob. 
Ruffians! do you know who you talk to Madam? I am a civill, sober, discreet person; and come particularly to embrace thy lovely Body.  Malag. 
Look you Madam, make no noise about this matter. This is a person of quality and a friend of mine, therefore pray be civill.  L. Squ. 
Has Mr. Goodvile left no Footmen at home to cudgel such Fops? faugh— how like drunken journy-men Tailors they look?  Malag. 
Journey-men Madam! hold there! none of your Ladyships Journey-men, that's one comfort! woe to the poor Devil that is I say.  L. Squ. 
Were Mr. Goodvile at home you durst not talk thus, you scandalous fellow.  Malag. 
Goodvile you say— hark you my Dear, were he here in person, I would first of all decently kick him out of doors, then turn up thy Keel and discover here to thy Kinsman what a leaky Vessel thou art?  Sir Nob. 
Why, what is that Goodvile? will he Wrestle? or will he box for 50 l. Look you, this fellow is my Pimp. 'tis true his Countenance is none of the best: but he's a neat Lad and keeps good Company.  Malag. 
Hark you Knight! you'll bear me out in this Business Knight? For under the Rose I have apprehension, that this Carcase of mine may suffer else.  Sir Nob. 
No more of that Rogue! no more. Take notice good people, this Civil Person shall mary my Sister; she is a pretty hopeful Lady— Truly she is not full thirteen— but she has had two Children already, Odd's heart.  Vict. 
Ridiculous Oaff!  Sir Nob. 
Come, let us talk bawdy.  Vict. 
I'll call those shall talk with you presently. Ex. Vict.  Sir Nob. 
Wheugh— she's gone.  L. Squ. 
Beast! Bruit! Barbarian! Sot!  Sir Nob. 
Oh law! my Aunt! what have I done now? Madam, as I hope to be— Runs against her and almost beats her backward.  L. Squ. 
Oh help! I am murdered! oh my Head!  Sir Nob. 
Nay Lady that was no fault of mine: you shall see I'll keep my distance, and( as I was saying) if I have offended— Reels against a Table and throws down a China jar, and several little China Dishes.  L. Squ. 
Oh insufferable! quickly, quickly, a Porter and Basket to carry out this Swine to a Dunghill.  Sir Nob. 
Look you Madam, no harm! no harm! you shall see me behave myself notably yet— as for example— suppose now— suppose this the Door. Goes to the Door.  
Very well; thus then I move.— Steps forward and leaves his Peruke on one of the Hinges.  
ha, who was that? Rogues! Dogs! Sons of Whores!  Enter Servants. 1. serve. 
Such as we are Sir, you shall find us at your service.  Sir Nob. 
Murder, murder, murder.—  Malag. 
Where there is such odds, a man may with Honour retire and steal off. Exit Malag.  Enter Caper and Saunter. Cap. 
Where is this Rascall? this Coxcomb? this Fop? how dare you come hither Sir, to affront Ladies and Persons of Quality?  Sir Nob. 
Sir, your humble servant: did you see my periwig?  Cap. 
Sir, you are an Ass; and never wore periwig in your life: Jerniè what a Bush of briars and Thorns is here? The Main of my Lady Squeamish's Shock is a Chedreux to it.  Sir Nob. 
Why, Sir, I know who made it. He was an honest fellow and a Barber, and one that loved music and Poetry.  Saunt. 
How Sir!  Cap. 
But, Sir, come close to the business: how durst you treat Ladies so rudely as we saw you but now? Answer to that, and tell not us of music and Poetry.  Sir Nob. 
Why, he had all Westminster Drollery and Oxford Jests at his Fingers ends. And for the Cittern, if ever Troy Town were a Tune, he mastered it upon that Instrument, when he was our Butler in the Country: an old Maid of my Grandmothers took great delight in him for it.  Saunt. 
But, Sir, this is nothing to our Business.  Sir Nob. 
Business! hang Business! I hate a Man of Business: If you'll drink or Whore, break Windows, or commit murder, I am for you.  Cap. 
Sir, will you fight?  Sir Nob. 
Fight! with, whom? for what?  Cap. 
With me.  Saunt. 
With me.  Sir Nob. 
Ay Sir, with all my heart; I love fighting Sir.  Saunt. 
But will you Sir? dare you?  Cap. 
Ay Sir, will you fight? do you think you dare fight?  Sir Nob. 
Why, you sweet perfumed Jessimine-Knaves! you Rogues in Buckram! were there a Dozen of you I'd beat you out of your artificial Sweetness into your own natural Rankness; you Stinkards! shall I draw my Cerberus and cut you off you Gaudy Popinjaies?  Cap. 
This Fellow's mad, Saunter! stark mad by jericho: Dear Knight, how long hast thou been in this pickle? this Condition, Knight? ha?  Sir Nob. 
What Pickle? what Condition, you Worms?  Saunt. 
Ay, ay, 'tis so, the poor Devil must to Bedlam: Bedlam, Knight, the Mad-man's hospital.  Sir Nob. 
What will become of you then you Vermin? There's never a hospital for Fools yet; Mercy on me if there were! how many handsome Fellows in this Town might be provided for? Fiddles play within.  Cap. 
Hey day! Fiddles!  Saunt. 
Madam Goodvile hearing we were here, hath sent for 'em on purpose to regal us.  Enter Mrs. Goodvile, Lady Squeamish with the Fiddles playing, Saunter falls to sing the Tune with 'em, and Caper Dances to it. lettuce. Mrs. Goodv. 
Let my Servants take care that all the Doors stand open: I'll have entrance denied to no one Fool in Town. Mr. Caper and Mr. Saunter here? then we can never want Company. Come, Madam, let us begin the revels of the day; I long to enjoy the freedom I am Mistress of. lettuce, try your Vow.  L. Squ. 
Oh Madam! this gallant Spirit ravishes me. Dear Mr. Caper, you and Mr. Saunter were born to be happy! Madam Goodvile has resolved to Sacrifice this Day to pleasure— what shall we do with ourselves?  Cap. 
Do Madam! We'll dance for ever.  L. Squ. 
Oh ay Dance.  Saunt. 
And Sing.  L. Squ. 
And Sing.  Both. 
And Love.  L. Squ. 
Oh ay Love! but Madam Goodvile, have you resolved to wear the Willow, and be very Melancholy— ha, ha, ha— Fiddles! where are you? I cannot endure you out of my sight.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Willow! hang it, give it to Country girls that sigh for Clowns; and Melancholy is a Disease for Bank-rupt Beauty: I have yet a stock of Youth and charms, unfully'd by the hands of Age or Care, And whilst that lasts what Woman would despair?  Sir Nob. 
In the mean time I'll scout out for a Doxy of my acquaintance hard by, return in Triumph, and let Victoria go hang and despair.  

Sings.  
To love is a pleasure Divine,  
Yet I'll never sigh or be sad;  
They are Coxbombs that languish and pine,  
So long as Whores are to be had.— To daroll, darolda.   L. Squ. 
Oh secure that deform d Monster, that rebel of mine: fellowes take care of him and keep him up till I talk with him, and make him sensible of his Enormities.  Sir Nob. 
Slaves! Avaunt! if my Lady will have it so, I'll walk soberly into the Garden and consider of what is past. To love is a pleasure, &c  Ex. Sir Noble. Mrs. Goodv. 
lettuce!  let. 
Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Is Mr. Truman come?  let. 
He'll be here presently Madam.  Enter page. with a Letter. page.. 
A Letter for your ladyship.  Mrs. Good. 
Who brought it?  page.. 
A Porter brought it to the door Madam: but said, he had no orders to stay for an answer. Ex. page..  Mrs. Goodv. 
A Womans hand!  Reads. 

Mr. Goodvil's journey out of Town is but a pretence: He is jealous of you and Mr. Truman, you will find him anon return'd in hopes to surprise you together. Though he has trusted me with the secret, and obliged me to assist him in it: yet I would endeavour by this discovery to persuade you that I am your real Servant,  
Victoria.  
Postcript,  
Beware of Malagene, for he's appointed the Spy to betray you. This is generously done, Victoria, and I'l study to deserve it of Thee: Now if I plague not this wife jealous Husband of mine, let all Wives curse me, and Cuckolds laugh at me! Fiddles! led in! Mr. Caper and Mr. Saunter pray wait on my Lady, and entertain her a little: I'l follow you presently.   L. Squ. 
Come Mr. Caper, will you walk?  Cap. 
A Coranto Madam?  L. Squ. 
Ay ten thousand ten thousand, Mr. Saunter, I would be always near you Two! Oh for a Grove now, and a purling Brook with that delightful charming voice of yours: Come! let us walk and study which way to divert ourselves.  Cap. 
Allons! for Love and Pleasure: By these Hands—  Saunt. 
By those Eyes—  L. Squ. 
Oh no more! no more, I shall be lost in happiness!  Exeunt. Mrs. Goodv. 
So: this Consort of Fools shall be the Chorus to my Farce: Now all the Malice, Ill-nature, falsehood and hypocrisy of my Sex inspire me. lettuce! see Camilla be sent for instantly, she shall join with me in my Revenge, she has Reason; Mr. Valentine I suppose will be here with Mr. Truman.  Enter Mr. Truman. Trum. 
And think you Madam, he durst not answer a fair Ladies Challenge without a Second?  Mrs. Goodv. 
You would pretend I'l warrant you to be very stout. You Hectors in Love are as arrant Cheats as Hectors in fighting, that bluster, rant, and make a noise for the present; but when they come to the business, prove errand Dastards, and good for nothing.  Trum. 
But Madam you should find I dare do something, would you but be civil and stand your ground.  Mrs. Goodv. 
What think you though of a Cut-throat Husband now behind the hangings? what would become of you then?  Trum. 
Whilst I have such Beauty on my side, nothing can hurt me.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Then Sir prepare yourself, Mr. Goodvil is really jealous and mistrusts all or more then has past between us. His Journey out of Town was but a pretence, but we shall see him instantly in expectation to catch us together.  Trum. 
Fear him not Madam, these Moles that work under ground are as blind as they are busy: Let him run on in his dull jealousy, whilst we still find new windings out, and lose him in the Maze.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Then if you wish to preserve me yours, join with me to Day in my design, which is, if possible, to make him Mad, work him up to the height of furious suspicion, and at that moment when he thinks his jealousy most just, baffle him out of it: And let the World know how dull a Tool a Husband is, compared with that triumphant thing a Wife, and her Guardian Angel Lover.  Trum. 
But Mr. Goodvil, Madam, has Wit, and so good an opinion of it too.  Mrs. Goodv. 
'tis that shall be his ruin: were he a Fool he were not worth the trouble of deceiving.  Trum. 
Dear Jewel of my Soul, proceed then and prosper. But what must be my part?  Mrs. Goodv. 
To secure Malagene. That ill-natured Villain has betrayed us, and is appointed by Goodvil chief Instrument in the Discovery: He has cowardice enough to sell his Soul to buy off a Beating: He never  told truth enough to be believed once so long as he lives. Get him but in your power, and he shall own more villainies then ever were in his Thoughts to commit, or the necessity of our affair can invent to put upon him.  Trum. 
And I'l be sure of him, or may I never taste those lips again, but be condemned to cast Mistresses in the side-box at the Play-house, or what is worse, take up with a Semptress, and drudge for Cuffs and Crevats.  Enter Malagene. Mrs. Goodv. 
Here he comes!  Trum. 
Oh Monsieur Malagene welcome!  Mal. 
Jack Truman your humble Servant.  Trum. 
Whither so fast I beseech you Sir! a word with you, a word with you.  Mal. 
Why! can I do any thing for Thee? Hast thou any Business for me? Prithee what is it?  Trum. 
Sir! You must lye for me.  Mal. 
Ha, ha, ha. Is that all?  Trum. 
Nay Sir you must!  Mal. 
Any thing in a civil way or so Jack! but nothing upon Compulsion Lad! Prithee, let me do nothing upon Compulsion, prithee now!  Trtm. 
Then Sir to be brief, this is the Business! Goodvil I hear has been informed by you of what part in the Garden last night, how durst you be so Impudent as to prie into my Secrets, where I was concerned?  Mal. 
Why look you Jack, Curiosity you know! and a natural Inclination which I have—  Trum. 
To Pimping.  Mal. 
confounded me Jack thou art much in the right: I believe thou art a Witch. I knew as well man—  Trum. 
What did you know?  Mal. 
Why I knew thee to be an arch wag and an honest Fellow! Ah Rogue prithee kiss me! the Rogue's out of humour.  Trum. 
No Sir! I dare not use you so like a Friend, you must deserve it better first.  Mal. 
Look you Jack, the truth of the Business is, I am bespoke: But the Love I have to see the business go forward, may persuade me to much.  Trum. 
Then presently resolve entirely to disown and abjure all the Intelligence you gave Goodvil or promise to yourself that where ever next I meet you, I'l cut your Throat upon the spot.  Mal. 
But hark you Jack how shall I come off with the business? I shall be kicked and used very scurvily: For the truth is, I did tell—  Trum. 
What did you tell?  Mal. 
Why I  told him you Knave. I won't tell! you little cunning cur, I  told him all man!  Trum. 
All Sir!  Mal. 
Ay hang me like a dog, all. But Madam you must pardon me, there was not a word of it true.  Trum. 
And what do you think to do with yourself?  Mal. 
Do? why I'l deny it all again man, every word of it, as Impudently as ever I at first affirmed it: May be he'l kick me, and b●at me, and use me like a Dog man— That's nothing, nothing at all, Man, I do not value it this! Pulls out a Jews Trump and plays.  Trum. 
And this Sir, you'l stand to.  Mal. 
If I do not, hang me up for a Sign at a Bawdy-house-door: in the mean time I'l retire and peruse a young Lampoon, which I am lately the happy Father of.  Trum. 
Nay Sir! you are not to stir from me!  Enter lettuce. lettuce. 
Oh Madam! shift for yourself. Madam Victoria sent me to tell you that my Master is return'd, and that he pretends to come as a Masquerader.  Mal. 
Well! since it must be so, I'l deny all indeed! what an excellent Fellow might I have been? Some men now with my stock of honesty, and a little more gravity, would have made a Fortune. Well: I have been a lazy Rogue; and never knew till now that I was fit for business.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Mr. Goodvil in Masquerade say you?  lettuce. 
Yes Madam, and two Women with him, Madam, they are just now alighted.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Women with him! nay then he comes triumphantly indeed. Mr. Truman, do you retire with Malagene. I'l stay here and receive this Machiavel in disguise. Now, once more let me invoke all the Arts of affectation, all the Revenge, the counterfeit Passions, pretended Love, pretended jealousy, pretended Rage, and in sum the very Genius of my Sex to my assistance. Enter Goodvil and others masked.  
So! here they come: Now this throw for all my future Peace. Who waits there? Enter Servants.  Goodv. 
Madam! you'l excuse this freedom.  Mrs. Goodv. 
You oblige me by using it: Let all the Company know that these Noble Persons of Quality have honoured me with their Presence: Let the Fiddles be ready, and see the Banquet prepared; and let Mr. Truman come to me instantly, I cannot live a minute, a moment without him.  Goodv. 
Delicate Devil!  Mrs. Goodv. 
Sir! let me beg your patience for a moment, whilst I go and put things in Order fit for your reception. Ex. L. Goodvile.  Goodv. 
Footmen! take care that the Engines which I have ordered be ready when I call for' em. Truman, I see, is a man of punctual assignation; and my Wife is a Person very adroit at these matters; some hot-brained, Horn-mad cuckolded now would be for cutting of Throats; but I am resolved to turn a Civil, Sober, discreet Person, and hate blood-shed: No: I'l manage the matter so temperately that I'l catch her in his very Arms, then civilly Discard her, bag and Baggage, whilst you my dainty Doxies take possession of her privileges, and enter the Territories with Colours flying.  1. Wom. 
And shall I keep my Coach, Mr. Goodvile?  Goodv. 
Ay and Six, my lovely Rampant. Nay, thou shalt every morning swoop the Exchange in Triumph to see what gaudy Bawble thou canst first grow fond of: And after Noon at the Theatre exalted in a Box, give Audience to every trim amorous twiring Fop of the Corner, that comes thither to make a noise, hear no Play, and show himself; thou shalt, my Bona Roba.  2. Wom. 
But Mr. Goodvile, what shall I do then?  Goodv. 
Oh! thou! Thou shalt be my more peculiar Punk, my Housekeeper, my Necessary Sin; manage all th'affairs of my Estate and Family, Ride up and down in my own Coach attended by my own Footmen; Nose my Wife where ere you meet, and if I had any, breed my Children. Oh what a delicious Life will this be!  1. Wom. 
Hear you Sir; the Fiddles? Fiddles without.  Goodv. 
Oh the Procession's coming, put on your Visors and observe the Ceremony.  Enter Truman, Mrs. Goodvile, Caper, Saunter, L. Squeamish, Camilla, with Fiddles, a Letter. Mrs. Goodv. 
Mr. Caper, Mr. Saunter, you are the Life and Soul of all good Company, command me any thing, command my House, that, and all freedom are yours.  Cap. 
Masques, my Life, my Joy, my Top of Happiness! Sir your humble Servant, by your leave, Madam shall you and I toose and tumble together in the drawing room hard by for half an hour or so? ha? Cuts.  Saunt. 
Fa toldara, toldara, &c. Ah Madam what do you wear a mask for? Have you never a Nose, or but one Eye? Let me see how you are furnished?  2. Wom. 
Sir, if I want any thing 'tis to be doubted you cannot supply me.  Goodv. 
So! sure, this must come to something anon!  Mrs. Goodv. 
Ah were but Mr. Goodvile here now, what a happy Day might this be! But he is Melancholy and Forlorn in the Country, summoning in his Tenants and their Rents, that shining Pelf that must support me in my pleasures.  Goodv. 
Is he then Madam so kind a Husband?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh the most indulgent Creature in the World! what Husband but He, Mr. Truman, would have so seasonably withdrawn and left me Mrs. of such freedom? To spend my Days in Triumph as I do, to Sacrifice myself, my Soul, and all my Sense to you, the Lord of all my Joys, my Conqueror and Protector?  Cam. 
Heav'ns Madam you'l provoke him beyond all patience.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Who Mr. Goodvil! which way shall it reach his knowledge? no, we'l be as secret—  Trum. 
As we are happy. So subtly lay the Scene of all our Joys, that Envy or Malice, nay the very Husband himself and Malagen● to boot, well hired t● the Business, shall ne'er discover us.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh discover us! a Husband discover us! were he indeed as jealous as he has reason, I could no more apprehended discovery then a kindness from him.  Goodv. 
This impudence is so rank, that I can hold no longer. Say you so Madam? He unmasks.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Oh a Ghost! a Ghost! save me, save me. Mr. Truman, see see Mr. Goodvil's Spirit? sure some base Villain has murdered him, and his angry Ghost is come to revenge it on me.  Goodv. 
No Madam, fear nothing. I am a very harmless Goblin, though you are a little shocked at the fight of me.  Cap. 
Ha, ha, ha, Goodvile return'd? Dear Frank!  Saunt. 
Honest Goodvile, thou seest dear Soul we are free here in thy absence.  Goodv. 
I see you are Gentlemen, and shall take an opportunity to return the Favour. Footmen be ready.  Mrs. Goodv. 
But is it really Mr. Goodvile then? let me receive him to my arms; welcome ten thousand, thousand, thousand times. Dear Sir, how does my Picture in the Gallery do?  Goodv. 
Oh Madam, it looked so very charmingly, that I had no power to stay longer from the Dear Loving original.  Mrs. Goodv. 
So, now begins the Battle.  Goodv. 
Well Madam, and for your set of Fools here: to what end and purpose have you decreed them in this new model of your Family? I I hope you have not designed 'em for your own Use?  Mrs. Goodv. 
Why Sir, methinks you should not grudge me a Coxcomb or two to pass away the time withall, since you had taken your Dearer Conversation from me.  Goodv. 
No Madam, I understand your Diet better: a Fool is too squobb and tender a Bit for your fierce Appetite: you are for a substantial Dish, a man of Heat and Honour, such as Mr. Truman I know is, and I doubt not will do me reason.  Trum. 
Ay Sir, when ever you'll demand it.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Nay Sirs, no quarreling I beseech you, what would you be at Sir?  Goodv. 
At rest Madam, like an honest Snail shrink up my horns into my Shell, and if possible hold a quiet possession of it.  Mrs. Goodv. 
I hope I have done nothing that may disturb your quiet Sir.  Goodv. 
Nothing Madam, nothing in the least; how is it possible that any thing should disturb me! a Sot, a Beetle, a drone of a Husband, a mere Utensil, a Block for you to fashion all your falsehood on, whilst I must still be stupid, bear my office and never be disturbed, I.  Mrs. Goodv. 
So, now your Heart is opening; and for your ease I'll give it a little vent myself: you are jealous, alas jealous of Truman, are you?  Goodv. 
And I have no reason Madam, though I come and catch you in his Arms, rolling and throwing your Wanton Eyes like Fire-balls at his Heart; oh what an Indulgent Creature's Mr. Goodvile! so seasonably to withdraw and leave you Mistress of such Freedom: To spend your Days in Triumph as you do, to sacrifice yourself, your Soul and Sense to him; the Lord of all your joys, your Conqueror and Protector.  Mrs. Goodv. 
I am glad to find my Plot so well succeed: I knew of your Jealousy last night, knew too your journey out of Town was but a pretence in hope to return and surprise me with Truman. I was informed too of your return but now, and your disguise I knew you through it so soon as I saw you, and therefore I acted all that Fondness to Truman before your face. It was all the revenge I had within my power.  Goodv. 
Can you deny your being with Truman in the Garden last night? were you not there so openly, that even the broad Eyes of Fools might see?  Mrs. Goodv. 
What Fool? what Villain have you dares accuse me?  Goodv. 
One, who though he rarely  told truth before, will be sure to do it now; Malagene your Kins-man, Malagene, a hopeful Branch of your own stock.  Trum. 
The Rascall dares not own it.  Goodv. 
But he shall Sir, though you protect him.  Trum. 
'twas basely done to set a Spy upon your Friend, after the trick you had played me with Victoria.  Goodv. 
Basely done!  Trum. 
Yes, basely Sir.  Goodv. 
Death, you lie Sir! why do I trifle thus when I have a Sword by my Side?  Cap. 
Nay, look you Frank! you had better be patient. Here shall be nothing done, therefore pray put up.  Enter Valentine. Val. 
What again quarreling? Goodvile, this must not be, Truman is my Friend, and if he has done you wrong, I'll engage, shall make you satisfaction.  Saunt. 
Ay, ay, prithee man, take some other time and don't quarrel now and spoil good Company.  Goodv. 
Death! you dancing, talking, mettled, frisking Rogues stand off! oh I had forgot— Footmen, where are ye?  Enter Footmen. 
Here, take away these Butterflies, and do speedy execution upon 'em as I ordered, do it instantly. They seize' em.  Cap. 
Nay Frank! what's all this for?  Saunt. 
Nay Goodvile, prithee, now as I hope to live.  Enter Malagene. Goodv. 
Away with 'em— Ex. with Cap. and Saunter.  
Now for Malagene— Oh, here he comes Madam, who will refresh your Memory! Speak Sir, as you tender Life and Limb, whom did you see together in the Garden last night?  Malag. 
Ha!— no body!  Goodv. 
Were not Truman and my Wife there to your knowledge privately?  Malag. 
Ha, ha, ha— Child! no.  Goodv. 
Did you not tell me that you overheard 'em whispering in the Grotto together?  Malag. 
No.  Goodv. 
Hell and Devils! this fellow has been tampered withall and instructed to abuse me. This is all Contrivance, a studied Scene to fool me of my Reason.  Enter Foot-men. 
Here, take him hence and harness him with the other two, till he confess the Truth.  Mrs. Goodv. 
He shall not go, touch him who dares: must People then be forced and tortured to accuse me falsely? Ah Mr. Goodvile, how have I deserved this at your hands? let not my good name be ravished from me, if you have resolved to break my Heart, kill me now quickly and put me out of pain.— Malag. runs away.  Goodv. 
Nay Madam, here is that shall yet convince— see here a Letter from your Lover left for you in a private Corner, hear me red it. And if you have modesty enough left, blushy.  Reads. 
If Goodvile goes out of Town this morning, let me know of it that I may wait on you and tell you the rest of my Heart. For you do not know how much I love you yet,  Truman. Mrs. Goodv. 
Death and destruction! it was all my own Contrivance, m●dded with your jealousy, I sought all ways to vex you. I counterfeited it with my own Hand, and left it in a place where you might be sure to find it. To convince you farther. see here a Caution sent me just before by one whom you have trusted and loved too much for my quiet: peruse it and when you have done, consider how you have used me and how I have deserved it, Oh. Gives Victoria's Letter.  Goodvile Reads. journey out of Town— is a pretence,— return and surprise— believe by this discovery— Your Servant Victoria. 
Victoria, has she betrayed me? nay then, I pronounce there is no Trust nor Faith in the Sex. By heaven in every condition they are all Jilts, all false from the Bawd to the Babe.  Mrs. Goodv. 
Now Sir, I hope I may withdraw; from this minute never expect I'll see your Face again: no, I'll leave you to be happy at your own choice. Love where you please, and be as free as if I ne'er had had relation to you. I shall take care to trouble you no more, but wish you may be happier then ever yet I made you.  Goodv. 
Stay Madam.  Mrs. Goodv. 
No Sir, I'll be gone, I will not stay a moment longer; Inhuman, Cruel, false Traitor! were't thou now languishing on thy Knees, prostrate at my Feet, ready to grow mad with thy own guilt, I would not stop nor turn my Face to save thee from Despair.  Goodv. 
You shall.  M●s. Goodv. 
For what?  Goodv. 
To let the World see how much a Fool I can be: art thou Innocent?  Mrs. Goodv. 
By my Love I am, I never wronged you; but you have undone me, ruined my famed and Quiet. What Mouth will not be full of my dishonour? Henceforth let all my Sex remember me when they'd upbraid Mankind for baseness: oh that I could dissemble longer with you, that I might to your Torment persuade you still all your Jealousies were just, and I as Infamous as you are cruel. Ex. in a rage.  Goodv. 
Get thee in then and talk to me no more, there's something in thy Face will make a Fool of me, and there's a Devil in this Business, which yet I cannot discover. Truman, if thou hast enjoyed her, I beg thee keep it close, and if it be possible let us yet be friends.  Trum. 
'tis not my fault if we be Foes.  Goodv. 
But now to my Fools, bring 'em forth and let us see how their new Equipage becomes' em. Oh Dear Valentine! how does the fair Camilla?  Val. 
Faith Sir, she and I have been dispatching a trifling affair this morning, commonly called Matrimony.  Goodv. 
married! nay, then there is some comfort yet, that thou art fallen into the snare— Valentine! look to her, keep her as secret as thou wouldst a Murder, hadst thou committed one: trust her not with thy dearest Friend, She has Beauty enough to corrupt him.  Enter Caper and Saunter, their Hands tied behind 'em, Fools Caps on their Heads. Caper with one Leg tied up, and Saunter Gagg'd. 
See here these Rogues how like themselves they look. Now, you paltry Vermin, you Rats that run squeaking from House to House, up and down the Town; that no man can eat his Bread in quiet for you. Take warning of what you feel, and come not near these Doors again on peril of hanging. Here, discharge them of their punishment, and see 'em forth the Gates.  Enter Lady Squeamish, Sir Noble, and Victoria. L. Squ. 
Oh Gallants your humble Servant. Dear Mr. Goodvile be pleased to give my Kinsman Sir Noble, Joy: He has done himself the Honour to mary your Cousin Victoria, whom now I must be proud to call my Relation, since she has accepted of the Title of my Lady Clumsey.  Sir. Nob. 
Ay Sir, I am married, and will be drunk again too before Night as simply as I stand here.  Goodv. 
Sir Noble married? to Victoria too? nay then in spite of Misfortunes— 
This Day shall be a Day of Jubilee. But first  
Good People all that my sad Fortune see,  
I beg you to take warning here by me;  
Marriage and hanging go by destiny.  
Especially you gay Young married Blades,  
Beware and keep your Wives from Balls and Masquerades.   Ex. omnes.  
FINIS.   

THE EPILOGUE, Spoken by Mrs. Barrey.  
WELL Sirs, if now my Spouse and I should part,  
To which kind critic shall I give my heart?  
Stay, let me look, not one in all the place  
But has a scurvy froward damning Face.  
Have you resolved then on the Poets fall?  
Go ye're ill-natured, ugly Devils all.  
The married Sparks I know this Play will curse  
For the Wifes sake, but some of 'em have worse.  
Poets themselves their own ill luck have wrought,  
You ne're had learnt, had not their quarrels taught.  
But as in the disturbance of a State,  
Each factious Maggot thinks of growing great:  
So when the Poets first had jarring fits,  
You all set up for critics, and for Wits:  
Then strait there came, which cost you Mothers pains,  
Songs and Lampoons in Litters from your brains:  
Libels like spurious Brats run up and down,  
Which their dull Parents were ashamed to own;  
But vented 'em in others names, like Whores  
That lay their Bastards down at honest Doors.  
For shane leave off this higling way of Wit,  
Railing abroad, and roaring in the Pit.  
Let Poets live in peace, in quiet writ,  
Else may they all to punish you unite;  
Join in one Force, to study to abuse ye,  
And teach your Wives and Misses how to use you,   

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