The New Westminster Wedding: Or, The Rampant Vicar. Being a full Relation of the late Marriage of J— P — Clerk, to Eliz. Hook, Spinster; The Ceremony performed by a Reverend Jolly Dutch-man.  
licenced Octob. 26. 1693.  
NOT far distant from the Town of I— lived a famous Belweather, a not over Spiritual Guide of his Flock, being indeed so zealous a Professor of Libertinism and Carnality, that at least his practical Part of Theology was not extraordinary Exemplar. This new Belswagger, for so we may justly entitle him, a poor Retainer to one of the Universities formerly, and possibly so far indebted to the Gown as to cover some very notorious Human Frailties, under the shrowd of Sanctity, was egregiously famous even in his Minor Days, for Looking a little too amorously upon his Bedmaker's Maids, sometimes even to the hazard of a College rebuk, if not to an Expulsion; but having with his small Pittance of Divinity and the help of good Friends, arrived to a small Gura Arimarum in the S— Ah; for want of some Feminine Refreshments, the Sisterhood of his own Country Parish being not altogether so malleable as his Inclinations could well wish them; and indeed Reputation obliging him not to be over bold in Foraging near home: Our Wise Renard very prudently thought fit to spare his own Neighbors Hen roosts, and ramble a little farther to London for a Virgin Pullet, &c.  
In the merry Month of August,  
When one won't another must.  
( As the Learned B●rd has it.) He takes a Slip to this Town of Sin and Sea coal, for the Reasons above name. And happening to lodge towards Westminster, amongst his several daily and more nightly Rambles, he dropped one day into a small Dutch Cookshop in Brewers yard near King-street, being invited by a far Inscription over the Door, Of good Ordinaries for 4 d. 6 d. or 8 d. What between a Parsimonious Temper, but a c 〈…〉 ng Stomach, so tempting an Invitation made him a Customer to this cheap Ea●ing House. Having one day entred this fair Roof of Hospitality, he strained his Purse to the whole expense of a Tester, and what with the help of Elemosinary porridge into his Commons, he made a shife with a Slice of boiled Beef well rigged round with cabbage to fill the Chinks, to make's sumptuous gaudy Day's regal.  
Now whilst his Teeth were merrily going; his Eye too happened to be a little Roving,( for he could Exercise more Senses than one at a time) when s●ying a very pretty tight Young Fro of about Sixteen as hearty as he had dined, he had anew Hunger set agog, being so suddenly and so strangely smitten,( a fit that takes him often) as to have a more than Canine Appetite to this Fair Fro. Having wiped his Mouth, and cried, By'r, he takes his last Course, by way of Sweet-meats, and Dessert, upon the young Da●●se●●●●ps, when immediately breatking out into a violent Eruption of Love, he declares that all England afforded not so sweet a Creature; Nay, and please Heaven, he had one particular Veneration more for our Happy Revolution, since it was in some measure an occasion of bl●●●ing his Eyes with so Fair an Object; and he should ever Honor that happy Country that could produce so lovely a Sweetness. The poor Girl could make him but little reply, being not altogether a Mrs. of the English Tongue; for though she had been half a Year in England, and in that time had learnt pretty well to understand the Language, yet she could speak but very little of it: But by a Natural Vanity of the Sex, she could not but lend an Ea● to so many Amorous Raptures and high Compliments that were made her, though otherwise a very Modest Girl. She was not very forward in the Concession of favours, though to so pressing an humble Serv●nt as her passionate Admirer.  
Our Inamorate is contented with this first days progress in his new Amour, and come, the Morrow again, to bring all his artillery, and lie down before her with all the preparation of a formal Siege: And between Friends, he felt an extraordinary Taundre and Titillation towards her, above all his former Inclinations if only for the sweet Sin of Variety: For having pretty well tried all sorts of Engli●h Complexions and Constitutions, he had a more particular Curiosity for a Dutch-land Mi●●ress Coming again the next day, and finding the Girl a professor of virtue, he begins to think an Attack by way of Gallantry would not succeed; therefore resolves to make his Aproaches▪ by the way of honourable Matrimony: Accordingly he declares that he has no other intentions but virtue; both his Profe●sion and Principles are above any thought of Lewdness or Wickedness; no Heaven forbid he Courts her for a Wife and if she can condescend to accept of him in that Holy State of Wedlock, to sit in the best Pew in a Country Church, and have himself and his Tithe Pigs her very Humble Servants, He Vows he will mary her In●tantly; and to show what V●neration and Affection he has for her, he desired her to accept of a small Present of forty Half-Crowns as a Token and Tribute of his Love; which the poor Girl refused at first to accept, as po●sibly being too Cunning(' tho otherwise none of the Wise Vergins) to handle his money, lest it might be an occasion of encouraging his hopes of too easy a Surrender; for she would not open to so poor a Golden Key as five Pounds. Hereupon our Jehu-Amorist resolving not to quit till he could Storm, presses home the old Argument of Marriage, desiring the House to furnish him with a Common Prayer Book, and he would mary himself to her immediately, urging withal that who could join them together in Wedlock better than himself and was ready to do the same Execution for himself as he had done for Hundreds of other Couples before. The poor Girl, who understood very little of our English Doctor's-Commons Law, and how far such a Marriage would hold good, nevertheless, little distrusting so large a Protestor as her caconical Humble Servant, knew but little difference in the form of Marriage: But whether her Mother or any other Friends had taught her to bite at no love Bait, but To have, and to hold, her Capacity reached no higher than Marriage in General, without any enquiry into Circumstance and Particulars. 'twas enough that this Gentleman Lover was much above her humble Capacity, not in the least doubting but he had infinite ecclesiastic Preferments according to his own repeaired assurance given her, of what wonderful Figure he made in his own Country Church to which he would Coach her down in no lsttle Pomp and splendour, if she pleased to bless him with her Embraces. And therefore as I was saying, baving little Fortunes of her own more than a Mid-land Water-Mill, she could not well resist so potent pretensions as her Wealthy and Hon●rable Lover's. However as I said before being not over killed in E●glish, she made some scruple at Co●pling in a Language she undershood so little of being in some respect reso●ved to know well what she did in so Important a Matter, having so far at least learned one of our Proverbs, Fast Bind, Fast find.  
The Doctor,( for so we'll call him) tho perhaps no high Graduate in the University Literature we may presume to say, he has reached the very Top-Learning in some other Arts and Faculties, as you'll find by the Sequel.  
Our Doctor makes Answer, That he is so far from giving her any Scruples that way, that if she pleases, he'll mary her i● Hebrew▪ Greek, arabic, Dutch, Welsh Irish, or any Tongue or Language since the days of Babel; provided he can but Wed her any ways and be the blessed happy Man her Husband at any Price. This frank Offer thus publicly made, it happened that a Dutch Man amongst four or five other Guests at that time in the House, immediate'y pulled a Dutch Divinity Book out of his Pocket and swore [ Sacraamont] he'd mary them himself rather than fail which the Prrson instantly embraced, and desired him by all means to exercise his best D●●c●. T 〈…〉 to g●●tify his hear lovely Fro with her own Country Rites and Ceremonies. Hereupn a clear Stage and no Favour; our Dutch-man stepping up for an absolute Orthodox of the belgic Church Militan●, red( as is reported) through the whole Amsterdam Office of M●trsmony, in most ample Form and Manner: One thing was observable, that the hastiness of the Wedding-work had not furnished our Doctor with a Ring, and therefore with a sudden presence of Mind, to supply that want, he whipped off a small Horn-ring, a little Implement, at that time upon his Dear From's little Finger, and as dexterously translated it to the Marriage Finger joint, and as Magisterially too as if it had been the gayest and richest Lombard-street Jewel, assuring her at the same time, that he should change it to Morrow for that of a better, Motto to grace her fair Hand withal; the whole Execution being hearty, tho somewhat Homelily performed, he called her his Spouse, and a●sured he● that as he he had Married her in her Church to day, he would enjoin her to do him the Honor of repeating the Ceremony in his own Church to Mo●row▪ for he had so high a Love and Value for her, that she must Pardon him if it was the greatest Pride he had in this World to Solemnize his Nuptials with so dear a Creature, in the Face of the whole Universe, as his only Glory in such a Bride.  
After this, he Invited his person and his Brethren to take part of a Dinner with him, which was the best the House at that short Warning could supply them with; where Mrs Brides He●lth was plentifully Repe●ted in the good juice of Barley; for our provident Bridegroom out of a pretence of favour to the Landlady, would by no mean● sand out for any Wsne, but contents himself with the English Manufacture of Ale, the Furniture of her own Cellar.  
Night appr 〈…〉 king and consumm●●●on drawing on, the made a shift to prevail for●a Be●d● the Landlady's House; and having promised loudly what wonders he would do for her such as new Marrying her more publicly and then providing her all the Richest Equipage of Apparel, and what not suitab●e to his Wife in order to the carrying her down to his Vicarage▪ his Propositions wrought so far, and his Integrity appeared so real, that 〈◇〉 Innocent lay by his Side; where we'll leave him to 〈…〉 and Riots of Delight, that a good Sanguine complexioned Bridegroom could possess in the Charms of an Innocence of Sixteen.  
The next day he pretended to buy her the promised new Wedding Ring which promise indeed was not performed by reason he had resolved to sprinkle a small Diamond or two in it, with which he could not be supplied Extempore, and therefore must wait the Goldsmiths making such a one for him. The second Night again he repeated the former Felicities in her soft Arms, and after Dinner next day, having taken a plentiful Dose to supply the evaporated Spirits in his two Nights Engagement, the cheerfulness of a merry ●●● so exhilerated his Kidney, and opened his bountiful Hand, that he gave her all the money in his Pocket, his All indeed, being 5 l. 10 s. to buy her a new Gown, Commissioning her instantly to go and lay it out accordingly; which he had no sooner done, but be laid him down upon a Bench, a homely Couch, and fell asleep: Whence, when he awaked, missing his money, he bellow'd out, Thieves and Pick-pockets; The poor Bride, who not having yet fixed upon the Choice of her Silks was luckily return'd 〈…〉 restored the▪ 5 l. 10 s. But our Bridegroom wanting a little of her Dower too into the Bargain▪ ☞ for House-keeping is chargeable, had now raised the Sum to 8 l. 15 s. the remainder of which she had downright robbed him of: All the was doleful Marriage music to the Young Fro. But, not only the whole Honymoon of Love was run out in two short Nights nor that alone but the M●rr●●ge itself was all shame, his Name was 〈…〉 ford, and he knew nothing of the Matter; Nay, more tha● all this if she could not refund the whole 8 l. 15 s. she must instantly go before the Face of Authority, and( money or Hemp) take what follows. And though in hearty Sadness she had not embezell'd one Farthing of his money, but the 5 l. 10 s. refunded was the utmost Groat, Yet considering he could not afford the Labour of his Chine under some valuable Reward for his pains, he had no way to book it in but by this Legerdemain, which Sum demanded being not forth coming, he carries her before a Justice of the Peace who being very tender in the matter of the Oath he gave him; He first charged her with 8 l. 15 s. then 8 l. but at last upon his absolute Sacerdotal Veracity, he kissed the Book to the Sum of between seven and eight peremptory Pounds taken from him by downright picking his Pocket; upon which Charge she was committed to the Gate-house, from thence translated to Newgate, where the villainy of the Accusation was made out so plain that she was aquitted with Reputation and the Blackness of our Pulpiteer's Sh●●e sufficiently exploded.  
The poor Girl has hereupon very much resented her English Misfortunes, and on Friday the 27th of this instant Octob. sets out homeward again for Amsterdam, resolving to quit all thoughts of such barbarous English Matrimony, and patch up her cracked Virginity for a more deserving Flemish Lover.   

Printed for the Inhabitants of Ipswich, and Parts Adjacent.