A Pleasant BATTLE Between Two Lap Dogs OF THE Utopian Court. OR, A Dialogue between Sleep and Awake, Jest and Earnest, Reality and Fancy: Being fought upon the new erected DOG-PIT, lately contrived purposely upon this Occasion as aforesaid in the Anti-Chamber of the said Court, where it was fought with great Applause, Satisfaction and Content of the Company there present: But by Reason of the Authors drowsy Disposition, being late at Night, and he inclined to sleep: He would crave your favourable Censures of this his Pains; and judge of them as you find Occasion.  Enter Two Lap-Dogs, Tutty and Snap-short. 

Reader,  
WISE Aesop thought it no Mistake  
To make brute Beasts, as well as men to speak:  
Why may not I, like him, in harmless Rhymes,  
Bring Brutes to speak against the brutish times?  
When Sin swells high, it needs a sharp Correction:  
Ile give you here a brief yet full Collection,  
By such a Catalogue of nasty Sin,  
As Sodom almost loathed to wallow in:  
First, I present Two Lap-dogs on the Stage,  
Who strike the hidden Vices of the Age,  
With so much Vigour, as it will suprize  
Your Senses all, your hearts, your ears, your eyes:  
The English Lap-dog here does first begin  
The Vindication of his Lady Gw—  
The other much more Frenchifi'd, ah lass,  
shows what his Lady is, not what she was.  
From Words they rise to Blows, as people say,  
Occasioned a sharp and bloody Fray.  
The Ladys looking on, each backd her Cur,  
Until they made such a foul filthy stir,  
As set all in an Uproar: this was Sport  
Did highly please the grand Utopian Court:  
The Battle being ended I awoke,  
And all the Vision vanished into smoke.   Tutty. 
HOW now Snap-short, What out of your Ladys Lodgings at this time o'th Night? I'll teach the best French Cur of you all to come as a SPY into our Quarters at this unseasonable hour: What do you think your LADY is able to protect you ad secula seculorum? No, Sir, so long as I have an English Tooth in my Head they shall make bold to salute your French Ears, and in as rugged a manner as ever Don Quixot handled the Windmills: and so have at you—  Snap-short. 
How now Tutty, Meddle with me, if you dare; I protest if you do, I will cry out TREASON! What assault me in Court? Be gar me see your English Love and Affection: but what have you to say to me, speak your mind, for, if it comes to blows, We have French enough to eat you.  Tutty. 
Eat me, you French Scundrel! Sirrah, you are a French pocky Rascal: and, tell your Lady from me, She is no better than the Devil can make her: before I would be a Dog to such a piece of monstrous Ingratitude, I protest, Snapshort, I would cut my own head off. My Lady is a good Common-wealths woman: Yours cares not if she be ruined to buoy her up amongst those troublesone Seas of destruction which are raised to involve us in ruin: and indeed ruin and she are so near akin, that she is out of her Element unless she be there.  Snap-short. 
Come, Tutty, neither you, nor any of that Ladys Retinue durst affront me after this manner, were not my Lady a French Lady and a Romanist: But she may live, and I too, to see your Ladies Tail set up an end once more upon a Dung-hill.  Tutty. 
You French Scundrel, inconsiderable, pregmatical, rustical, diabolical, musty, susty, rusty Puppy: You see my Lady's Tail set up as formerly? Sirrah, I would have you know, had it not been more out of my Ladies Intercession than out of respect to your Ladys Deserts, the grievance of the Nation had long ago been Exposed to public View.  Snap-short. 
Come, Tutty, I see you can Bark, but dare not Bite, I am sure my Lady has Charms sufficient left her to control another gus Kingdom than such as we are, a parcel of pury inconsiderable Lap-dogs, who dare hardly bark, but the whole world is ready to go together by the Ears. Such is the wretched condition of these miserable times.  Tutty. 
And such is the Condition of these miserable times( as you call them) is still like to continue so long as your mistress is suffered thus to reign in her Roguery, were she more modest, it would never grumble in my gizzard, but being so peremptory, vexes every vein of my heart. But Murder will out at last: Come, Snap-short, My Lady never yet to make her own private Gains endeavoured the ruin of the Nation.  Snap-short. 
And prithee, Tutty, who did? For you seem to reflect upon my Lady: but for all your English brave Alls and Bragg●●●cio Tricks, you shall never make me believe your Lady exceeds mine in point of Honour. A Lady undo a Nation? This I dare boldly say; If she undo a Nation, Its only to advance another: And this Brother Tutty holds good with the Scripture too, why was Joseph sent into egypt, but ●o help his Brethren in time of Dearth.  Tutty. 
I● time of Dearth, Snap short, let me tell you without offence, Your Lady is one of Pharaoh's lean Kine, she has almost devoured a Kingdom: and yet her starved carcase would get a sick man an Appetite to look upon it: for she looks so ill favoured by sharp Countenance, that I protest when I saw her last; I would have given one of my Legs to have saved my Body; for she looked so hungry, as if she would have chopped me up at one mouthful: However I am more afraid of her than you: I am apt to believe, you cannot swallow a Kingdom, nor me neither, so soon as she can: and, if I be not Mis-informd, she can make Guinny-Pies as well as any Lady in England, though it be a French Receipt: And, let me tell you, That theres no Frenchman of them all; of any Repute, at Court, but has tasted the sweet favour of English Gold, which I pray God may be dissolved in a real vengeance pastry.  Snap-short. 
Come, Turty, you are a Rascal to abuse a Lady whom you know was, not long a go one of the Primum Mobile's of the Kingdom, however, Me-thinks 'tis strange, your open-arse Lady, who came lately from selling ripe Oranges and lemons about the streets, and now being advanced to a R 〈◇〉 Bed, should be so forgetful of her former mechanic Condition, as to kick up her wanton heels against a person whose Extraction is so high, That it would puzzle a good Poet, ●ay a good Herald to give an absolute Description of her Pedigree, derived from these Three Remarkable Judges of Hell, Eachus, Minos and Rhadamanthus.  Tutty. 
And truly Snap-short, I wish her no other harm than barely this, seeing you have so liberally described her Pedigree, That she might be immediately sent to her Relations: I am confident my Lady will bare a considerable share of her Charges and accompany her part of the way: but she has other Business than to go too far on the Road: Besides she has more Discretion than to go to the utmost Stage, merely for this Reason, lest having but small Acquaintance, and being much more short of Money than your French Lady, she should be left in the Lurch, and pawned to Lucifer as a pledge for your Mistresses Honesty, which she cannot truly justify.  Snapshort. 
Ha, Tutty, now you and I piss both in a Quill, I confess, I dare no more vindicate my Ladies Honesty than you dare your Ladies: For, this I believe, My lady's a Whore of the greater Magnitude: And, in spite of your Teeth, will carry a greater lustre than any English Lady whatsoever: Though in your own Court, if French Dogs, Ladies and catholics be not sufficient to put you all to a Non-plus: I will never bark in the praise of France more.  Tutty. 
Come, you French Scundrel, have at you tooth and nail, before I will see my Lady abused, or any of your Factious Tribe thus to reign in your Roguery: I will make no more to cut your catholics Throat and spill your wolfish blood, than you did in Queen Marie's daies to burn us: your French Dogs, Ladies and catholics have more Command at Court? Give me leave to tell you, you lie, if you deny it: And if any thing raise my ladies Fortune; Let me tell you, 'tis, her being a Protestant, who shall be protected, when your French Romish Bitch shall be pulled Limb from Limb without starving her, as her Predecessor Jane Shore was starved not many Ages before.  Snapshort. 
Come Tutty, my French Lady will find favour, when your English Madam will be glad to return to her old Function, it is not 10000 l. per annum will last your Lady ad infinitum, my Lady has taken the wisest course, who has Transported forty times, the sum, and intends to follow it soon after her self.  Tutty. 
And good riddance of her by my Troth, when the salt Bitches leave the Kingdom, its more than probable the Romish Woolf-Doggs will follow them, and then what a happy Kingdom shall we have, let the whole World judge; but I am apt to believe, my Antagonist Snap-short, that your Lady rather makes provision for the Entertainment of her French Monarch, than for her Departure: yet let me tell you, let him come when he will, I will for once hazard my Life like the Old Roman goose, rather than betray the Capital for I am resolved to Bark Louder, than ever they squeald, and if possible will prevent those hidden M●schiefs though they lay them as deep as Hell, I have a quick Nose for scent, and as sharp claws, as the best of them all, then do what you dare for I Vow by the Honour of my Lady, I will ruin you sooner or later.  Snapshort. 
Ha, good Tutty, rather than my Lady should be ruined, I will persuade her to turn Protestant too, I am confident she will do any thing to serve her own Interest.  Tutty. 
But Snapshort let me tell you that a French Whore will never make a good Protestant Lady, for if she should turn Protestant, and make a Whore of Religion, as she has of her Body, the whole World w●uld set a mark upon her for a notorious murderer both of Religion, Honesty and common Reason, and when she comes into France, her own Native Country, she must expect to be pelted like an Owl in an Ivy-Bush.  Snapshort. 
But Tutty you mistake the Case, my Lady has an Absolution and Dispensation from his Holiness for all her villainies that either are or may be committed during her life, though she should live to the Age of Methuselah, it seems you have called me inconfiderable Cur, but I wish you had but a gizzard long enough to apprehended my Ladies Designs; you mistake the Case, if you imagine she came out barely to be a Whore; in short, she came for a Spy to betray both Kingdoms Interest. Do you not remember Alexander the Great had a brace of notorious Whores, sent over purposely upon the like occasion; but he had so many Guts in his Brains, not only to perceive the intrigue, but likewise a timely prevention to avoid the same.  Tutty. 
Say you so, Snapshort, I am infinitely glad you have so ingeniously unravelled your Ladies Design, which I hope to make such use of, as to sand your Lady with a flay in her ear into her own country; this is no more than has been formerly supposed; nay confirmed by several true Reports, but seeing you have owned your Ladies. Intentions and Designs, upon which she was sent over; for as sure as my Name is Tutty, and by the virtue of my Protestant Mistress, I am not only resolved to bark, but bite; and if my Tongue can do no feats, my Teeth shall; though I am but a little whiffling cur, I would have you know I am not afraid to take the best French Bitch of you all by the Throat, and so, Snapshort, stand on your Guard, for I vow I will be at you.  Snapshort. 
Come Tutty, since you are so choleric, I'll strip me of my Crucifix, and begin as soon as you will, let's shake hands, and so have at you.  Tutty. 
Come down, there, now you are stripped. cur, ur, rrr, urr, urr, urrr, urrr;  The Dogs begin to engage, the Company speaks. D. of P. 
Pray Madam give my Dog fair Play, I protest you hinder him with your Petticoats, he cannot fasten; Madam fair Play is fair Play.  Madam G. 
Truly Madam I thought I knew as well what belonged to Dog-fighting as your Ladyship, but since you pretend to instruct me in your French Dog play, Pray Madam stand a little further, as you respect your own Flesh, for my little Dog is mettle to the Back; and smells a Popish Miss at a far greater distance; Pray Madam take warning, for you stand on dangerous ground: Haloo, haloo, haloo, ha brave Tutty, ha brave Snapshort; a Guinny on Tutty, two to one on Tutty; Done, quoth Monsiour; Begar, Pox take te begar, me have Lost near Tousand Pound.  

Tutty it seems beat Snapshort, and the Bell  
Tutty bears home in Victory: Farewell.    

London, Printed for R. B. 1681.