ROMES RARITIES; OR THE Pope's Cabinet unlocked, And exposed to View.  
BEING A true and Faithful Account of the Blasphemy, Treason, Massacres, Murders, Lechery, Whoredom, Buggery, Sodomy, Debauchery, Pious Frauds, &c. of the Romish Church, from the Pope himself to the Priest, or inferior Clergy.   

〈…〉 he had judgement, &c. price 1 s.  
An Historical Relation of several Great and Learned Romanists who did embrace the Protestant Religion, with their Reasons for their Change, delivered in their own words. 6 d.  
A Seasonable Collection of plain Text of Scripture, for the Use of English Protestants. price 2 d.   

TO THE Triple-Crown'd Prelate OF ROME.  
HOLY SIR,  
I Do here, with all imaginable Deference and Humility, present you( I will not be so unmannerly as to say, with a big of your own Sow, but) with a Rich Cabinet, and good reason too, because your own: for 'tis unjust that you should be the Proprietor, and another the Usufrctuary. A Cabinet, wherein are displayed all the commendable Qualifications, and inimitable Perfections of some of your Famous Predecessors, that have had the Honour to sit in St. Peter's Chair; and in some particulars, a weak Character or Adumbration of your Holiness's Endowments, which no Pen can fully delineate. Nor can you any way complain of foul play herein, since this Tract contains no Quotations but what are collected from the most Authentic and rigid Romanists that ever espoused the Catholic Cause and Persuasion.  
The Candid Reader, by a serious perusal of this Treatise, will, I presume, not onely receive satisfaction thereby, but also make a Discovery of those rare virtues which embellish the minds of St. Peter's Successors, more to their renown and Glory, than the resplendent Diamonds and Rubies that shine in, and adorn the Triple Diadem; and therefore, I hope, that your Sanctity will leave the Author out when you presume to Curse all heretics( as you miscall them) once a Year in the Bulla Coenae; or otherwise you shall hear of him again in a more Sarcastic Style and tissic Humour, this being only at present Jocoserious. If any thing herein clinch too close, and offend; let those of your own Party beg your pardon,( whose Duty it is) that afforded the Materials, which, compiled together and collected, make up this Epitome of your Memorable Acts and Monumental Transactions. But withall, I must needs confess, that no Bigoted Protestant, who moves in the highest Sphere of Ecclesiastical Dignity, dares presume or pretend to arrive to the height of those Excellencies herein mentioned, which are only peculiar to the Roman mitre. If the subordinate Clergy storm at the Contents of this Book, let them thank themselves for exposing to the Public their Cheats and Chicaneries so apparently, that an inconsiderable Lay-Protestant could not possibly avoid taking notice of, he being only the Amanuensis of their own Authors, and hath taken the pains to transscribe out of them such Memorials as he thought convenient to reduce to the Method observed in this small System or Collection. I bequeath this Aurea Legenda to your Holiness first, and then to the rest of the inferior Clergy; it being a Brat of their own Brain, a Babe of their own Procreation; and so bid you all farewell, who subscribe myself  
Philanax Misopapas.   

THE Pope's Cabinet unlocked.  
A Papa Principium. Why not this as good an Invocation now-a-days, as à Jove Principium, in times of Yore? for my part, I know no reason to the contrary; since the former is styled God by some, and Vice-God by most Romanists; the latter known by all to be no God at all, or at best, a false one. Therefore to begin with Holiness must needs be commendable, nay, with His Holiness, {αβγδ}, that cannot prove successless. Avaunt then, fond Protestant, and do not hit him so often in the teeth with the flirting Nick-name of the Man of Sin. No, no, he's the Man of Sanctity; there's the Mistake; nor with that frequent unmannerly Title of the Whore of Babylon; for that is both incoherent with Sense, and inconsistent with the Sex; but be not too bold with that Argument, whatever you do, good Papist, for fear some blunt Protestant round you in the Ear( and that he is like enuf to do) with the Story of Pope Joan, and tell you to your face, when you say you are abused herein, that it is with a matter of truth, and show you good reason for it too; i● there be either Truth or reason in a great many of your own Popish Writers, who allow the History to be authentic: but of that more anon. An ordinary Physician, by the Indisposition of the Head, can soon judge of the Temper of the Body; and no doubt when the Reader understands how this Head of the Church stands affencted, he will soon guess at the foulness of the Stomach, and give an account of the weak and crazy Constitution of the whole Body ecclesiastic. Do but observe the numerous and haughty Titles that he so magisterially assumes to himself, as the Universal, the Infallible Bishop of Rome; the Head of the catholic Church, the Supreme Pastor, the Holy one, the Pope, Christ's Vicegerent, God's Vicar, a Vice-god, nay, a God upon Earth, and God knows how many more; and then tell me truly, whether in his Pride and number of Names he may not outvie both Turk and Persian( and at length prove as little a Christian as either of them) who upon the bare Report of this usurped Authority, have bestowed on him two glorious Denominations, the one calling him Rumbeg, that is, Prince or Lord of Rome, the other Rumschah, King of Rome.  
First then to begin with the Blasphemies used by several Popes themselves, which are so great, that if Profaneness itself, could it assume an human Shape, would not be guilty of; and Lucian, that Arch-Apostate, were he now alive, would, if compared to them, be accounted moderate.  
lo the Tenth, Son to the Duke of Florence, was a chuck-farthing-Boy Cardinal, who was thought to deserve the read Hat at the Age of Thirteen, and a Pope at Twenty, the unerring Bishop of Christendom in hanging Sleeves, who before he could writ Man, or of Age, was Father of all the Aged; and truly he verified the old Proverb, Soon ripe, soon rotten; for what a more putrid and blasphemous Expression could be belched forth by the Devil himself, than that of his, who when Cardinal Bembo quoted a place out of the New Testament, replied, Quantum nobis profuit haec Fabul● de Christo, What Wealth have we gained by this Fable of Christ? Was not this becoming Christ's Vicegerent? And after a Dispute de Anima, 'twas as good a Sentence of the Good Soul, Et redit in nihilum quod fuit ante nihil.  
Julius the Third, a more Epicure, when he was at Table with several Grandees of Rome, had a Peacock served in at Dinner,( his beloved Dish) and gave strict order it should be kept could for his Supper; but it seems some of his Servants through neglect disposed of it otherwise: now when the time of his Evening Repast came, and he found it wanting, he fell into so great a Chafe and Rage, for this Sin of Omission in his Servitor, that his Holiness was guilty of a Sin of Commission; insomuch, that a more moderate Cardinal, one of his Guests,  told him, that it was ill done to be so passionate, and fly out into so great a Fury for so small a Trifle; but he suddenly replied, If God was so angry as to expel Adam Paradise for an Apple, well might he, who was his Vicar, be offended for the Disappointment of his Peacock which was of greater value than any Apple could possibly be.  
The same worthy Pope missing his Pork, which was one of his standing Dishes,( for he was a great Lover of Pork and Peacock) asked the Reason of it; his Steward answered, that his Physicians had given order there should be no Pork served in because it was very injurious and destructive to his Health; whereat he began to fly in the very face of him whose Vicar he boasts himself to be, saying, Porta mi quello mio Piatto al dispetto de Dio, Fetch me my Pork( my Dish of Meat) in spite of God himself. These Words savour of more than Lucianisme.  
Paul the Third, in a Procession at Rome, where the Body of Christ, as they term it, was with great Solemnity and seeming Piety carried before him, said, That if the Company did not make more hast he would renounce Christ; whereupon some Persons made up to them that were in the Front, with all speed, and caused them to mend their place. Nay farther,  
Pope Paul being in an open Consistory of Cardinals, boldly  told by one of them, that he could not bestow Palma and Piacenza on his two Bastards, unless he would inevitably purchase his own Damnation. To this he answered, If St. Paul, the Apostle of the Gentiles had so tender an Affection for his Country-men, whom he calls Brethren, as to wish and desire himself to be separate from Christ, so that they might obtain Salvation; why may not I with as great Love and Affection to my Sons and Nephews, study by all means possible to aggrandise them, and make them honourable with the hazard of my own Salvation? O the yearning Bowels and tender Compassion of this Holy Father to the living Monuments of his Infamy! Poor cow-hearted huguenot! Where is there a Calvin, Beza, or Bishop among you all that dares or can show such strange and strong efforts of a noble and undaunted Spirit, who for the Promotion and Welfare of his Children here, dares damn his own Soul for ever hereafter? Alas! There's no such Spirit among you.  
What think you of Gregory the Seventh? tho his proper name( which Popes renounce at their Election) was Hildebrand, which signifies Fire-brand of Hell in the Tutonick Tongue, as the Germans affirm; and Chemnitius gives him the same Title, calling him Titio Infernalis; when he consulted the Oracle of his Breaden God, threw it into the Fire, before many Cardinals, who could not withhold him, because it gave him no answer as to the event of his War with the Emperour Henry the Fourth of France. 
Benno carded. in the life of Hildebrand.   
John Bishop of Port, in a Sermon in S. Peters Church before a numerous Auditory, being upon the profanation of the Blessed Sacrament, said, Hildebrand and we with him have done a Fact for which we Deserve to be Burnt alive; meaning the forementioned Action. Nay, this Hostia was so Contemned and Slighted by him, that he most wickedly caused Pope Victor the Second to be poisoned with the Consecrated Wine of the Holy Eucharist; and yet Cardinal Bellarmine had the confidence to justify this Man, as a Saint, by Twenty seven Authors; and another had the impudence to own him as a canonised Saint by two more, which he throws into the Bargain to add to the former Number; These are a pack of Saints of the Devils Canonizing undoubtedly.  
What will you say of another of these Pious Arch Prelates, who was the Person that caused the Emperour Henry the Seventh, surnamed of Luxemburg, to be poisoned, and that with the consecrated Bread, given him by a Jacobine at Florence in the Eucarist. 
Math. Paris. P. 88.  And about the year 1154 his Namesake the Arch Bishop of York was poisoned in England with the Wine in the Sacrament. What will the Friar's Devil do, trow we, if their God be so dangerous, saith the learned Frenchman, Stevens, who composed this Huictain upon the very Subject; 
less Payens ne vouloyent mettre au nombre des Dieux  
Ceux qui au genre human ètoyent pernicieux:  
Sile Dieu de Paste estun Dieu qui empoisonne,  
Dont l' emperor Henri tesmoignage nous donne;  
queen dicoyent less Payens de ces gentiles Docteurs,  
Qui less hommes on't fait de luy Adorateurs.  
Car si leur Dieu ne fait de meurtrir conscience,  
Entre leur Diable et Dieu kill est la difference.  
Ith' number of their Gods Pagans we find  
Ner'e rank't such as were hurtful to Mankind;  
If that the God of Paste can poison men,  
As the Emperour Henry testifies, what then  
Would Heathens of these brave Doctors have said,  
Who teach Men to adore a piece of Bread?  
For if their God with Murder can dispense,  
'Twixt God and Devil what's the difference.  As for Boniface the Eighth, it is too notorious how he undervalued and vilified the same Host when he was Prisoner to the Gibellines of the Emperour's Faction in the City of Agnania. 
Platina.   
Julius the Second, when he was defeated by the Earl of Faix, and totally routed near Ravenna, he out of extraordinary Zeal and fervour( I must not call it Madness, or Irreverence) threw away the Hostia, and made it be trampled upon by the unsanctified Feet of the rude Multitude, which hath been formerly taken by them with so much Reverence and Adoration.  
Gregory the Ninth renounced the Gospel, 
Baleus li. 5. of the lives of the Popes.  and embraced in lieu of it an infamous Legend, composed by as infamous a Monk, Cyril by name. Thus you see how these Holy Pastors of Christ's Sheep behave themselves in Person, and this is not all, but their Canons published in Print, and allowed, are as blasphemous as their own common Discourse, or that of their Parasites( who are so far from punishment that they are loaded with Rewards) asserting the Bishop of Rome to be a God. 
Dist. 96. c. satis evidenter& Panorm. c. Quanto abbess.  I'll warrant you this bold assertion will frighten the Poor spirited Protestant to his Litany, From such Blasphemy good Lord deliver us.  
Pope Gregory is so bold as to couple abomination with the merit of the Holy Passion. 
Cap. inter opera Charitatis despons. l. 4. Decretal.  We ordain( saith the Pope) that for all such men who shall take common Strumpets out of the stews and mary them; that it shall advantage them as to the remission of Sin.  
Cardinal Bellarmine establisheth the Pope over the Church Militant etiam Christo secluso; 
Bell. lib. 1. de pontiff. c. 9.  Christ being secluded from him.  
His Flatterers exclude all patriarches and Bishops, from the Popes Lieutenancy to the Son of God, 
C. quanto l. 1. Decretal. Tit. 7. de translat. Episcop.  in these words. That he executeth not the Function of a mere Man here upon Earth, but of a true God. Nay farther; 
V. Gl. v. Veri Dei. cap. unico. De jurejurando. gl. v. Vicarium in Clement.  That the Pope is able to change the nature of things: That his Authority is heavenly; that of nothing he can make something,( contrary to the old Rule ex nihilo nihil fit) that his Will is sufficient for Reason; that none may be so bold as to question him; that he can dispense above the Law, that he can make Justice of Injustice, that he hath fullness of Power; And elsewhere, 
Can. omnes Dist. 22. cap. &c.  that every Creature is subject to him, that he hath the Rights of Heavenly and Earthly Empire.  
Nay they proceed in higher strains, and say, We declare and define, 
Extrav. commun. c. Unam sanctam de Majorit.& obedien. See all the gloss of the chapped.  that it is necessary to Salvation for all Creatures, in all things, and in all places to be under the Bishop of Rome. Observe what the Blasphemous Parasite saith, Our Lord would have been very indiscreet, 
Bertrand. in gl. Extrav. come. cap. unam sanctam de majorit. Petri.  if he had not left a Man behind him, that had an equal power with himself. To conclude this subject, take an abstract of this Oration pronounced in the Lateran Council, printed by the Authority of lo the Tenth, in the presence of the whole Council. 
Orat. Ant. Puccii Clerici. apostle. 3. Non. Maiae 15, 15 sess. 10.  Although the Aspect of your Divine Majesty by whose resplendent glory my weak Eyes are dazzled. Again, In thee alone, the true and Lawful Vicar of Christ and God, this prophesy is to be fulfilled, All the Kings of the Earth shall worship him, and all Nations serve him, Psalm 71. Then, he saith; Before, and now the Universal Body of the Church is subject to one only Head, viz. unto Thee. Item, Knowing that to thee alone hath been given all Power from the Lord in Heaven and Earth, that thou mayest judge, not only Spiritual, but also the Earthly Powers of the World. If this be not like the Man of Sin, to exalt himself above God, let all men judge.  
Another Flatterer was General of the Order of Preachers, who received a Cardinal's Cap as the Guerdon of his Blasphemies; 
Sess. 2. in orat. Cajetam.  It shall obtain, if you will( speaking of the Church) and command it, if you imitate the Power and Perfection of the Almighty, whose Lieutenant you are here upon Earth; not only in honour of Dignity, but affection of Will. Gird your Swords( for you have two, the Spiritual and Temporal) one common to other Princes, the other belongs to you only: And speaking of the Pope's Mercy; It will render you worthy of Worship, Gracious and most like unto God. And afterwards, by the Mercy of God& yours, &c. and so runs on with such a continued Series of Blasphemies, as Black as the Hat could be read, which he purchased by his Adulation in this Hyperbolical elegy of his Imperious Master.  
But I presume I have tortured you sufficiently with this horrid Discourse; therefore I close it with the Words of Seneca; 

Magne Regnator Deum, tam lentus audis scelera!  
Tam lentus vides; aec quando saeva fulmen emittes manis?   

Great God of Heaven! canst thou both hear and see  
Such horrid Crimes as these so patiently?  
When will thy incensed Justice sand, I wonder,  
From thy Almighty hand revenging Thunder.    
The next virtues that qualify them for the Papal Chair, are Chastity, continency and Abstinence from Carnal Lusts, &c. and how well they are gifted with these will appear by the following Examples.  
Pope John the Thirteenth was a Monster of Men, nay, of Popes too; who, as it was articled against him in a General Council, committed Incest with two of his Sisters, deflowered innocent Virgins, lay with Stephana his Fathers Concubine( a lovely Generation, like Father like Son) with Raynera a Widow, and one Anna, with her niece likewise. He was a great Enemy to the Married Clergy; and from him Dunstan received a Commission to be unnaturally incestuous.  
Pope silvius left a brace of Bastards here in England, the one got on a Scotch, and the other on an English Woman; nay, whilst he was Cardinal, he kept his Concubine.  
John the Twelvth was killed by the Devil in the Act with another man's Wife, saith Sigebert; but others report that he was taken in the Act, and by the hand of an abused Husband, like Zimri, had the just reward of his foul and open Adultery; for the fatal gash that he received sent him packing to the other World in Eight days time.  
Rodorique Borgia, styled Alexander the Sixth after he came to the Papacy, was the first Pope that was so ingeniously modest as to own his Bastards, 
Guicciard. Hist. Ital. 1. p. 10.  and tho his Predecessors disguised them under the appellation of Nephews and God-sons,( looking upon Fig-leaves to be some, tho but a slender covering of Nakedness,) yet he was so shameless in his Lust, as publicly to aclowledge his base Offspring; and particularly took cognizance of Caesar Borgia, one that had a Soul of as swarthy a Complexion as his Father, and procured him a read Hat; but he being soon weary of the Gospel, which might well be ashamed of him, did as suddenly procure a Dispensation to un-Cardinal himself; these two committed Incest with their own Sister, 
Guicciardin. l. 3. p. 179.  Lueretia by name; as famous for Whoredom in the new, as her Name-sake for Chastity in old Rome; of whom Pontanus writes this Epitaph. 
Conditur hoc tumulo Lucretia nomine, said re Thais, Pontificis Filia, Sponsa, Nurus.  
Here lies Lucrece by Name, Thais in Life,  
The Pope's Child, Spouse, and yet his own Son's Wife.   
He caused his eldest Brother, the Duke of Candia, to be murdered as he road one Night in the City of Rome, and his Body cast into tiber, because he thought him a Rub in his way to Preferment. He was, like his Father, very lavish in his Lust, insomuch that he did not forbear to tread both Hen and Chicken when the Fit was upon him; nay, at the taking of Capua, where he assisted the French, he had a Reserve of no less than forty of the fairest Ladies for his own use, to satiate his inordinate Lust.  
Martin the 4th kept his Predecessor's Harlot,( Nicholas 3.) and was so tender of her, that he caused all deformed Pictures to be removed out of his Palace, for fear she should be delivered of a monstrous ugly Child. Surely if his Holiness was so kind to a Whore he would be very fond of a Wife.  
Of this Pope's Simony, which he was compelled to for the maintaining his own and his Nephew's Incests and lustful Extravagancies, there is extant this Distich: 
Vendit Alexander Claves, Altaria, Christum;  
Vendere jure potest, emerat ille prius.  
Pope Alexander sells Christ, Altars, Keys,  
And well he might; for first he bought all these.   
This Alexander the Sixth dispensed with Peter Mendoza, Bishop of Valencia, to use his Bastard Son, the marquis of Zannet, as his ganymed or Sodomitical Boy: insomuch that Charles the Eighth being at Rome, during his Pontificate, he was so hated by, and odious to all Men, that the whole Conclave of Cardinals( two only excepted) did entreat him to vindicate the Holy Church from the Violence and Tyranny of the Pope, who was rather a Successor of Judas than St. Peter, and a greater Observer of the Alcoran than the Gospel. A fine Character of a Pope from his own Cardinals!  
A German Prince sent an Ambassador to the Pope, who after he was dispatched, taking his leave of his Holiness, he in Latin said to him, Tell our beloved Son, &c. which put the honest German into such a Chafe, that he had almost affronted the Pope with the lie; withal rounding him in the Ear, that his Master was no Son of a Priest( meaning no Bastard.) See the Chastity of these Holy ones when their Incontinency and Lasciviousness is grown proverbial.  
Joan, Queen of Naples, hanged her first Husband, and before he was could married the Prince of Tarentum, one of the handsomest Men in the Universe; she kept her self in a whole Skin by the Schism that then happened between Pope Urban and Clement, and so escaped unpunished,( tho at last she was executed) who bestowed Avignon in France 〈◇〉 Pope Urban and his Successors, under pretence of Sale. This is only to let you know that his Holiness has not so sickly and squeamish a Conscience but he can dispense with a fair, large Gift from a foul, filthy hand: which contributes much to the Justification of the pretended Chastity of Rome, since she hath been so great a Gainer by Strumpets and Harlots, Stews and Brothels, a Tribute far worse and base than that of Vespasian, ex lotio: therefore well might honest Mantuan say, 
I pudor in villas, tota est jam Roma Lupanar.  
At wanton Rome there is no room we know  
For Shame-fac'dness, to Hamlets let her go.   
And Naso, once a Roman, to the shane of such Popes, could sing, Turpe Tori reditu census augere paternos.  
What a miserable thing is it that St. Peter and St. Paul should be maintained by those who live by the Sweat of their Bodies. In the time of Paul the Third, he had upon his Roll or Register 45000 courtesans( nay, Naples the Voluptuous has 20000 registered in the Office of Savelli, allowed of.) This Word Courtisan came originally from the Court of Rome( the modestest Synonomon of a Whore) viz. from those Religiosa's or holy Dames who conversed with his Holiness both at Bed and Board.  
Pope Gregory the Thirteenth was a Man of the same Constitution as the rest of that sanctified Tribe, and was subject to Failings as well as Persons of an inferior degree; witness his Bastard, James Buoncourpagno, a good catholic no doubt, and according to the Proverb, he was very fortunate; for his Holy Father in a double Sense, both Natural and Spiritual, gave him Ireland, and created him marquis of Lemster, 
Thuan. Hist. l. 64.  Earl of Wexford, &c. and sent one Stukely to reduce it to his Obedience.  
Pope Paul the Third, encouraged by the Example of Alexander the Sixth, committed Incest with Constantia his own Daughter; but finding that he could not enjoy her as formerly, being married to the Duke of Sforza, he poisoned her; and then courted his Sister, and grew very fond; but he soon dispatched her also the same way, because she was not so much delighted with his Embraces as with others.  
Pope Martin the Fifth dispensed with one to mary his own Sister; 
Anton. Sum. p. 3. Tit. 1. &c. one of their own Writers.  of whom it was a common Lampoon among the People, nay the very Sing-song of little Children in the Streets of Florence, 
Il Papa Martino.  
Non vale un quatrino.  
Martin the Pope  
Is not worth a Rope.  An Argument they stand not much in awe of him.  
In Rome, the sacred Seat of his Holiness, the courtesans are many, who are tolerated and publicly allowed, for which they pay a smart and certain Annual Tribute; and every common Whore is obliged to have her Name registered in the Vice-Gerents Office, an Officer belonging to the Vicario, the Pope's Vicar General; so that they enjoy an absolute liberty to be licentious throughout the Year, except at the times called Vacanze, or Vacation-time, which happens to be about Christmas and Easter; for then the Sbirri, or Bailiffs, may make a strict Search in all their Houses, and if they find any there, may commit them to Goal; but by paying a Sum of Money, they sand to the Office, and so prevent their being molested by such kind of Persons. Nay, in those infamous Houses those Harlots boldly and impudently commit their Crimes by the Pope's Approbation and Protection. When Alexander the Seventh sate in the Pontifical Chair, there was some discourse of suppressing these Brothel Houses, but it was but Talk; yet it occasioned this impious and horrid Pasquinata, Laudate Dominum Pueri. This Rome is that famous holy City, and the City of his Holiness, but the honest Carmelite Mantuan tells you a quiter contrary Tale, when he saith,  

Vivere qui saint cupitis, discedite Roma:  
Omnia cum liceant, non licet esse bonum.  
You that will live well must leave Rome, for there  
All things are lawful but what lawful are.   
Or thus.  

You that will pious be, shun Rome, for now  
All things but being good they do allow.   
Pope Sixtus the 4th had his Strumpet Tiresia, built Stews at Rome, which yielded him an annual Income of 2000 Ducats, and gave a Dispensation to all the Family of the Cardinal of St. lucy to commit a Sin not to be name among modest Hugonots, 
Vessel. Groving Tract. de Indulgent. citat. à Jac. Laur.  during the three hot Months of June, July, and August. And this made Pasquin cry out, 
At Romae Puero non licet esse mihi.  
A Boy to Rome must never come.  This sin the Italians say is( if in any) excusable in them, because they live near his Holiness, who doth not only give Licence by permission, but a President by his own Example; this is a common Adage among them.  
We cannot I think bring up the rear of these chased ones with any other Person, fitter or more deserving, than Madam Gilberta, commonly called Pope Joan, a strapping Lass indeed. She was once a Maid of Mentz in Germany, sans doubt, and after Miss to a Monk of Fulda, with whom she ran away to Athens in Man's Apparel, and there did cohabit with him, till he unkindly forsook her, and went into the other World; all which time that she did reside there with him, she personated the Man so lively, and wore the Breeches so well and handsomely, as some Viragoes will do, that she bid defiance to all Discovery of her so cunningly counterfeited Sex. Well, what then? Why having lost her beloved Gallant she trips away to Rome, and had made so great a Progress in all the Liberal Arts and Sciences, that she was thought worthy, it seems, of a Cardinal's Cap, and at last of the Triple Crown, and for two years and a half behaved her self very notably, and wanted no Qualification becoming the Papal Chair, but that of her Sex. Yet see how Murder will come out at last. Going in a solemn Procession to the Church of St. John of Lateran, between Colosses and St. Clements, she by the way, in the public Street, was rid of her vicious Life and an infamous Burden both together;( a pretty teeming Prolifick Papess, this must needs be a Babe of Grace that her Holiness was delivered of, and she the Whore of Babylon in a double Sense) and at the very place where this unlucky Accident happened there was erected the Colonna infame, or infamous Pillar,( as they ever after called it) in memory of this Accident, to the end it might the better be transmitted to Posterity; and out of a zealous Abhorrence of so black a dead, her Successors balk that way in their usual Processions, and steer another course to this very day. But this is not all; to prevent such Female Gossips for the future from putting the like Tricks upon the Conclave of Cardinals, they prudently found out the Porphyry Chair, an infallible Invention to avoid such gross Mistakes, to the Prejudice of Infallibility, and the shane and Scandal of the Roman Religion. Thus far Platina in his Life of that Papess, who was a great Friend to Popes, wrote the Lives of Popes down to his time, was Secretary to a Pope, and dedicated his Book to a Pope; and indeed the Story were almost incredible had he not the Suffrage of fifty more of their own Authors to justify his Writing upon this Subject, tho carded. Baronius leaves her out; of whom we may truly say, as Scaliger did, Facit Annales non scribit, He makes Chronicles, but writes them not.  
But here will arise possibly a Question, How comes it to pass that this Porphyry Chair is now laid aside? That's a poignant one, upon my Word: but the catholics may be satisfied, if they please, with the Answer of John Pontanus in an Epigram of his, translated by Mr. Stevens into French, which runs thus: 

Nul ne pouvoit jouir des saints Clefs de Rome,  
Sans monstrer q'uil avoit less marques de uray home,  
D'ou vient donc a present ceste preuve est cessée  
Et qu'on n'a plus besoing de la chair persée?  
Cest pource queen ceux la qui oars less Clefs on't,  
Par less Enfans qu'ils font monstrent bien ce qu'ils sont.   

None had the Keys of Rome in times of yore,  
But such as shew'd true marks of Man before.  
How comes it then that this Proof's now laid by,  
And that the Porphyry stool is useless? Why?  
Because those now, who sit ith Papa● Chair,  
By the base Brats they get show what they are.    
But I blushy to think that I have offended the chased ears of the Protestant Reader by harping so long upon such loose Notes, and made his Cheeks glow at the rehearsal of such immodest actions, therefore I'll leave off this filthy discourse, and see if I can hit upon a more cleanly Argument, not troubling you with Mathilda, Gregory 7th's Miss, nor with Sergius the third's Morezia, nor a Donna Olympia, fresh in the memory of most men of this Age.  
As for the Popes Humility, Poverty, Patience, Clemency and Blood-guiltiness, &c. take these few Examples for instance.  
The Proud and Magisterial name of Universal Bishop, Rome was at first a more Stranger to; and Gregory the Great, a Learned, Good man, declared it to be the name of Antichrist, a name of Blasphemy, and to admit it was to shipwreck the Faith. 
S. Greg. l. 4. Ep. 76.83. Ep. 78.  See here one Pope Proclaiming another Antichrist. But bold Boniface the third, his Successor, received the Title of Universal Bishop from Phocas, who murdered the Emperour Mauritius and all his Family, and usurped the Dominion of Constantinople.  
The blessed Apostle St. James, called by the ancients the Bishop of the Apostles, Clem. Epist. 1. who was a Prince of the Blood Royal, and Cousin German to our Saviour, was President in the first Council; though he gave his opinion last, yet he took upon him no Superiority above others, and within the bounds of such Christian modesty did the Holy Prelates of Christendom contain themselves, till the year 607.  
The Venetians were Excommunicated by Pope Clement the fifth for attempting to besiege Ferrara, which is Tributary to the See of Rome, whereupon Francis Dandalo, afterwards Grand Dogue of Venice, went to France, where the Pope then had his Seat; submissively to beg his Pardon for that imaginary Offence; when he arrived there he spent much time' ere he could be admitted, but at last he was brought into his presence with an● Iron Chain or Dog's collar about his Neck, crawling on all four the length of the great Hall, 
Sabellicus in fine 9 Aeneid. l. 7.  and afterwards lay among the Dogs under his Table, till his wrath was appeased; and then he obtained a Pardon, for which Act he was ever after called Dog by his own Countrymen. Surely he very undeservedly had the Name of Clement, who could be so inhuman and haughty to an ancient Person, and treat him so currishly, that prostrated himself at his Feet with so much slavish submission.  
This Pope walking through the City Bogenci upon the River Loire in great State, had for his Attendants or Servitors, the Kings of England and France, one upon his right, the other on his left hand, and one leading his Horse by the Bridle.  
Alexander the Third, after he obtained the Popedom, had many dangerous Conflicts with the Emperour Frederick Barbarossa, and was so often worsted by him, that he was forced to fly to Venice, and there live for some time incognito, in the habit of a Cook( a pretty greasy Disguise for a Pope; see what necessity will do; who would have thought so proud a Bishop should stoop to so base a condescension) but at last he was known, and honourably embraced by the Venetians; and this coming to the Emperours Ear, he was highly offended at them for entertaining his Enemy, insomuch that he sent his Son with a powerful Army, and great Navy, to take the Pope by force and violence; but the young Prince had the ill fate in that Engagement to be taken Prisoner by the Venetians, nor could his freedom be possibly procured, unless Frederick would come in his own Person to Venice, and endeavour to be reconciled to the Pope; which the Emperour, for his Son's sake, condescended to; went to Venice, and procured it upon these unreasonable and Unchristian conditions. That he should restore the City of Rome, and all the Royalties thereof, and undergo such further Penance as the Pope should enjoin. This being submitted to, the Emperour came to the Door of St. Mark's Church, the People being Spectators, where the proud Pope commanded him very imperiously to ly prostrate on the Ground, and to ask his Pardon and Forgiveness; and then he gently treading upon his Neck, profanely wrested the 13 verse of the 91 Psalm, to his own purpose, saying; Thou shalt walk upon the Aspe● and Basilisk, and shalt tread upon the Lion and Dragon; And when the Emperour said unto him Non tibi said Petro● cujus Successor es, pareo; the Pope replied, Et mihi& Petro, proudly placing himself before the blessed Apostle, whose immediate Successor he falsely pretends to be. See the unexampled humility of this Servus Servorum Dei.  
Platina, in the Life of Gregory the Seventh, tells you, that the Emperour Henry the Fourth of France, commonly styled the Great, was Excommunicated by the Pope, and that for a Trifle too. The Emperour being informed of this his rigorous proceedings, came to Canosse( where his Holiness was then dallying with his wanton Mathilda) and divesting himself of his Imperial Robes( fine work indeed that the sceptre must bow to the Crosier) went bare-foot and barehead, in the depth of a hard Winter, to the City Gates, and there humbly craved Admittance; but his Entry was denied, and he, like an obedient Son of that See, bore it with unimaginable and uncommon Patience, remaining three dayes complete in the Suburbs fasting, continually beging Absolution, which at length by the earnest Intercession, and repeated Request of Mathilda, the Popes Minion, or St. Peters Daughter as they called her, the Earl of Savoy, and the Abbot of Cluniac, was obtained. A brave Jaunt indeed for a Puissant Potentate, at such an Unseasonable time of the Year, and very kind usage he received for his pains, but this must be done or he is undone, and forfeits all his Regalia, for disobliging a proud, peevish Pope. Where is there ever a Gueux of you all that has so much courage to maintain your Protestant Privileges and Episcopal Dignity? But one Swallow makes no Summer; all Frenchmen are not so soft Spirited.  
Well fare Philip the Fourth, surnamed Philip Le Bel, who in the year 1320 had to do with a Monster of a Man, Boniface the eighth, when France shook off the Supremacy of the Pope in Temporalibus.  
This Prelate wrote to the King in these and such like arrogant Terms: We will that thou know, 
Annales Nic: Giles.  thou art our Subject in Spirituals, as well as Temporals. To which the King return'd this Princely answer, 
Sciat fatuitas vestra, &c.  Q● ta tresgrande sottise scache &c. Let your Sottishness and gre● Temerity know, that in Temporals w● have none but God for Superior &c. And not being satisfied with this, h● commanded a Lord of Languedoc, a● Albigeois, of the House of Nogaret, to Seize on the Pope, which he did, and withal gave him such a Blow on the Ear with a gauntlet that felled him, for saying his Father was Burnt for an heretic, and afterwards cast him into Prison, where he died of a frenzy, gnawing his own hands out of Rage and Fury, and left this worthy Elogium or Epitaph behind him. Intravit ut Vulpes, regnavit ut lo, mortuus est ut Canis. He entred the Papacy like a Fox, 
Jo. Andr.& Bald. c. 1. defend. gl. ad 6. Decretal.  reigned like a Lion, and died like a Dog. Twas valiantly done of the Stout Monsieur to knock down four at a Blow, the Campanian, the Cardinal, Boniface the Eighth and the Pope; This Pope was so shameless as to boast( having denied three times to confer the Title of Emperour of Germany upon the Duke of Austria) that he himself was Lord and Emperour of the whole World. Nor did Lewis the Twelfth stand in awe of the Pope, whose Motto was, Perdam Babylonis nomen, I will destroy the name of Babylon. But this usurped power of the See of Rome is but Novel, and Modern, for instead of their deposing Kings, they deposed Popes; nay Constantius the Son of Constantine the Great, deposed Pope Liberius; the Emperour Otho Pope John the Twelfth, Henry the Third, Bennet the Ninth, Sylvester the Third and Gregory the Sixth, 
Platina in vit. Greg. 6. abbess Vesp. anno 1406.  and sigismond deposed as many more at one time. The French Kings have not only outed but created many Popes formerly. Philip the Fair displaced Boniface the Eighth, who translated the See to Avignon, where it continued 74 years, and by the King's appointment Six Popes succeeded one another in that place. And this right of dethroning Popes is treated of by a Chanellor of the Academy at Paris, Gerson by name, one of the most learned Sorbonists, in his Treatise de Auferibilitate Papae. So that you see they were far from being Lords in Spiritual and Temporal things originally, what ever they pretend to the contrary: and the saying of Pope Nicholas in his Eighth Epistle makes it out, that they which are both Kings and Priests under the Gospel, are Members of the Devil. Thus one Pope contradicts another; yet all infallible. Nay two Popes more Pelagius and Gregory, looked upon the Title of Universal Bishop as nomen Blasphemiae.  
But the gravest Sages and greatest Doctors of them all must needs confess, that the Largest and Fattest of the Popes Possessions, are but the largess of Kings, and therfore they have little reason to carry themselves so Loftily and Exalt themselves above all, which intolerable Insolence makes them guilty of the Blackest of Crimes, Ingratitude, if they are unthankful to their first Promoters; for Phocas an adulterous assassin the murderer of his Master Mauritius the Emperour, 
An. Dom. 607. An. mundi 4559.  gave them their Name, and Pepin their Revenues. But their carriage, now adays is quiter contrary to the Discipline of the Apostles, and humble and Submissive Deportment of St. Gregory, who writing to the Emperour Mauritius begins in this lowly style, I the unworthy Servant of your Piety &c. 
Li. 2. Epist. 61. in dict. 11.   
Nor was Henry the Fifth terrified by Pope Paschal the Second, who wrought upon his own Son to rebel against his Father,( but what may not Infallibility countenance and approve) insomuch that he surprised his Father with great Forces, divested him of his Regalia, together with the Empire; insomuch that the Aged Potentate died with Grief: and this Paschal was so inhuman as to deny him Inhumation, not permitting him to have Christian Burial for five Years after his Death. But Henry the Fifth, the new Emperour, went immediately after this into Italy to the Pope, who expected to be gratified for his pious assisting the Son to murder the Father, and therefore demanded the Right of Investiture; which so incensed the Emperour, that he took him by the Shoulders, and boldly shook his Holiness into a panic Fear; nor was that all, for he was committed close Prisoner, never to enjoy his Freedom unless he renounced his unlawful Claim to Investitures and Collations of benefice. I could instance in many more; but let these satisfy the Reader, that Princes heretofore did under-value the Pope and his Excommunications, or else the very Citizens of Rome would never have presumed to expel Pope Gregory the Ninth that City; for indeed they never took any great notice of the Pope's Excommunication. But now to our intended Discourse.  
Boniface the First began first of all to assume the Dominion of the African Churches; but he was soon curbed in his Career by the sixth African Council, where the great Pillar of the Western Church was present. 
St. Austin.   
Nay, Charles the Fifth, being shrewdly menaced by Paul the Third, if he would not surrender Placentia to him after the Death of Peter Lewis; gave his Holiness to understand, by an Ambassador, that if he would needs be thundering with his Excommunications, he would both thunder and lighten with his Artillery in Answer to him.  
Do but observe the Humility of this Man of God at his Election to the Papacy. A Fortnights time is appointed for Preparations, in order to the carrying of him with great Pomp and Magnificence, being seated in a Chair of State, is born on Mens Shoulders to St. Peter's Church to possess himself of the Popedom; and if an Emperour happen to be at the Solemnity, it is the greatest Honour he is capable of, to be one of the Bearers of that sanctified burden or Lump of Holiness: and a Fortnight after, or thereabout, he rides in a Cavalcata to the Church of St. John of Lateran to the same Intent and Purpose.  
Platina tells you in the Life of Clement the Fifth, that Philip King of France, Charles, the Monsieur, his Brother, and John Duke of Britain, with many other Persons of the highest Quality, were present at his Inauguration, who lost their Lives, many of them being overwhelmed with the fall of a Wall, and butted in the Ruins, King Philip being lame, and his Holiness himself with an unlucky lucky Blow, was dismounted from his Bucephalus, and lost a ruby out of his mitre that cost 6000 Ducats,( how many poor Protestants are worth less that deserve much more) which I do not find by the Relator that it was ever heard of afterwards. Now I leave it to the nice Casuists of their Church, to decide, whether this was not a piece of grand sacrilege in the Finder, to imbezel such Goods as were consecrated to sacred Uses, and convert them to his own.  
Frederick the Emperour waited upon Pope Adrian the Fourth, and like an Imperial Groom, quietly held the stirrup whilst he came off of his Horse; and by all good Signs and Tokens he received a proud taunting Check for his Humility, in holding the left instead of the right Stirtop; which moved him so much, that he said, I was never brought up to this Trade, and thou art the first upon whom I ever attended so servilely; but for all this he was compelled, the day following, to hold the right. O brave Country-man! thou didst like a bold Britain, a true Nicholas Break-spear( for that was his Name before his Papification) that makes no distinction of Persons; and if an Emperour be his Groom he'll make him know his Duty; and Reason good too, if such Potentates will submit to such Servility merely to gratify the ambitious Humour of a proud Prelate.  
When coelestine the Third was to Crown Hen. 6th, and his Empress Constance, he did it not with his hands but feet; setting it on, and proudly spurning it off again, with these words in his mouth, Per me Reges regnant. It is in my sole Power to make and unmake Kings and Emperours.  
The State of Rome extends three hundred miles in length, and two hundred in breadth; and the Pope is able upon occasion to put 50000 men in the Field well equip'd, besides his Naval strength in Gallies, which is very great: Nor is he destitute of Money, for as Sixtus Quartus usually said, So long as the Pope can finger a Pen, he can want no Pence. Besides, the sale of Offices is very gainful; and some reckon that a Pope hath 6000 l. a day, besides casual Incomes, which are as advantageous as numerous. The Legate à later, when he goes abroad upon public Affairs, hath the allowance of twenty five pound Sterling per diem.  
Gregory the fifteenth, who sate in the Chair but two years wanting a Month, left his Family 250000 Crowns per Ann. i.e. 62500 l.  
Alexander the 6th scraped up such vast Sums of Money by the sale of Indulgences, that his Son Caesar Borgia lost one night at Dice 100000 Crowns, saying, Germanorum tantum haec peccata sunt.  
Sixtus the 5th, of a poor Family, Peretti by name, tho he was Pope but a lustre of years, erected the Palace di sand Giovanno Laterano, fortified Civita Vecchia, began to build Monte Cavallo, founded many Colleges, and did as many sumptuous and chargeable Works as stood him in fifteen millions of Crowns, that is, four millions of English pounds Sterling, and yet left five millions of Crowns behind him at his decease.  
Gregory the 15th, who reigned but two years wanting a Month, yet made a poor shift to leave his Family 250000 Crowns a year. If St. Peter had been so wealthy, he would not have followed his poor Trade, assure yourself; indeed his Successors you see have sailed in his Ship for traffic with such fortune and success, that they cannot say as he did, without manifest falsehood, Silver and Gold have I none; for they have scarce any thing else.  
Paul the 5th left 1000 Crowns a day to his Nephew, the Prince of Salmona, besides what he bestowed on other Relations.  
So much of the Pope's Humility and Lowliness; now for a touch at his Clemency, Pity, and Mercy.  
And here we must make bold with the Papalines, and beg their pardon, if we prove and reprove the horrid Actions of some Silvesters, Johns, Bonifaces, Julii, Gregories, Sexti and Alexanders, who have either kindled a fire in the very Bowels of Christendom, or made her swim in innocent blood.  
Pope Hildebrand, Bellarmine's Saint, poisoned seven or eight Popes to make way for his obtaining the Papal Chair, and when he enjoyed it, committed all Barbarisms imaginable, and did hang up men at pleasure, with a stat pro ratione Voluntas; My Will is my Law.  
In the Life of Honorius the third, it is reported, Anno 1223. that one— Bishop of Cathness in Scotland, was burnt in his kitchen by the People of his own Diocese, because he excommunicated some of them for Non-payment of tithes; which Story reaching the Pope's ear, did so distracted and discompose his Holiness, that he could not be at rest till he had hanged four hundred of them, and castrated all their Children, and all this insufferable Cruelty upon Innocents too, to revenge the Death of one single Person.  
Pope Urban the Fourth instead of Urbanus was called Turbanus, because he was so great a Bouteseu, that he set all Christendom in a Combustion.  
Pope Urban the Sixth did, out of a revengeful Spirit, cause five Cardinals to be cast into the River and drowned.  
It was the usual and pitiful Expression of Sixtus Quintus, or size Cinque, occasioned by the Death of a Noble, renowned Princess; Che gusto di tagliar teste corronate! Oh what a Pleasure is it to take off crwoned Heads! Well said, Reverend Head of the Church! We will take thy bare Word for cutting of Throats without Security; 'tis honestly done to speak plainly without mental Reservation; for to mince the matter were a piece of cowardice not to be brooked in the triumphant Chieftain of the Church Militant.  
Clement the Seventh was convicted of notorious Crimes; among the rest, to show his insatiable Thirst after Blood, he sewed five Cardinals in Sacks( not the five Cardinal virtues I'll warrant you) and threw them into the Sea; beheaded three more, and after burned their Bodies to Ashes, which he urn'd up in Chests, and placed Cardinals Hats upon them, carrying them about with him where ever he went, to give all People to understand what relics were contained in them. And if he were so kind to those of his own Religion, what mercy could others expect from him that were of a contrary persuasion?  
Sergius, who stood Candidate for the Pontificate with Formosus, prevailed so far as to obtain it; and when he afterwards came to be Bishop of that See, in revenge of his former repulse, compelled the Romans, by his threats and menaces, to make the Ordination of Formosus null and voided; and made him be taken out of his Grave,( an Act not to be thought on without horror) after he had lain there a considerable time, and then robbed him with the Papal Vesture, placed him in St. Peters Chair, commanding him to be beheaded, and to have three of his Fingers cut off, and so disgracefully and barbarously cast him into the River tiber, and withal degraded all Persons that were ordained by him.  
During the time of the Popes Innocent the third, Honorius, Celistine, Innocent the fourth, and Gregory the ninth, against Frederick the second, there was a most horrid Slaughter made by them, that lasted for thirty three Years. And then it was that Mahomet, the impostor, and inveterate Enemy of Christianity, advanced himself in the East; whom the Emperour intended to repulse; but that the good Pope in that juncture of time made War against him in Italy, which hastened his return, and made him leave Greece to be harassed by the Turk; nor would the Pope admit of a Reconciliation, till 11000 Marks of Gold procured it. And with the same zeal Pope Innocent, and his Successors acted all along, who kept Zemin Ottoman, Bajazet the seconds Brother, in custody, for which he received annually 40000 Ducats. Nay, when King Charles the eighth would have made an advantage of the Prisoners in his War against this mortal Foe of Christendom, Alexander the sixth advertised the Turk of his intended Designs( like a good Pope) and took such care to prevent him, that Zemin was poisoned;( an Action which a Mufti would scorn to do unto a Christian) for which goodly and godly Work, he was rewarded with 200000 Crowns, which were paid him by George of Antia, the Messenger of that wholesome advice. By these foregoing Works we may guess at the Bloody temper of these Sanguinary Popes; and the best and truest Character we can bestow on them is that shameful by-word of young Tiberius, that the Pope is Lutum sanguine maceratum, a more Lump of day kneaded together with Blood.  
John the thirteenth was addicted to all manner of vices, as Perjury, sacrilege, and Cruelty, &c. He dismemb'red several Cardinals, because they inclined to Otho the Great, Emperour, by Exoculating them, cutting off their Hands, and Castrating of them. He made Deacons in his Stable, among his Horses, like a Brute as he was; created young Boys grave Bishops, for Money, out of a lucrative and sordidly covetous Humour; whose Gehazisme and Simony, with some other Com-Popes of the Holy See, was the occasion of that known Distich; 
An Petrus fuerat Romae sub Judice lis est,  
Simonem Romae nemo fuisse negat.  
Whether St. Peter' ere to Rome did go  
Is questioned, that Simon was there, all know.   
He put out the eyes of his Ghostly Father Benedict, and committed many other matchless Cruelties.  
Boniface the seventh was so wicked, that Baronius himself, that Grand Pillar of the Papal Cause, saith, he deserved the name of Thief and Murderer of his country rather than of a Pope.  
Hildebrand sainted Liberius the Arrian, exercised all sorts of Cruelty, cut off the Foot of a Widows Son, but at last, for the Impieties which he was guilty of,( many of which are premention'd) he was deposed in a Senate at Brixia; and as he lived wretchedly, so he died miserable in Exile, and left the Keys to Victor the third, an Italian, thrust in by Matilda, who was soon poisoned by his Subdeacon in the Chalice; so that you may see Christ's precious Blood is no Antidote nor Preservative in these Cases.  
But this is only Slaughter by retail, take a view of their Massacres by wholesail.  
As to the Cruelties of Merindol and Cabriere, they were so barbarous and inhuman, that when the Advocate Aubery, and other Civilians, related them in the High Court of Parliament at Paris, the Auditory stopped their Ears at the hideousness, and horror of them: take this single Example for instance among many others.  
John Menier, Lord of Oppede, Chief President of the Parliament of Provence, and the French King's Lieutenant General; who, tho he made choice of the worst Blood-hounds of the Army, could not meet with Soldiers cruel enough to execute his bloody Edicts, commanding them to ripp up the Bowels of big-bellied Women, and to trample their innocent Babes under foot; and this was done before his Face to his delight, who was then Spectator and Author of this Inhumanity. This was a piece of cruelty beyond that of Pharaoh to the male Children of the Hebrew Women in the old, or the other of Herod to the Innocents of Bethlehem in the new Testament, and yet promoted and approved of by the Holy Man of Rome.  
The Parisian Massacre was so detestable and unparalleled a Cruelty, according to Thuanus, 
Thuan. Hist. l. 52.& 53.  that some curious Persons perusing the Annals of other Nations, could not meet with the like in all Antiquity. The manner of this hellish and bloody Persecution, was as you find it in this ensuing Relation. Catharina di Medici, the Daughter of Pope Clement's Brother, and Mother to Charles the ninth, did Govern the Kingdom of France during the King's Minority, through the supine negligence of Anthony King of Navarre, with whom the said Queen's Mother was joined in the office of Protectorship, contrary to the salic Law, which denies the Inheritance, or Administration of the Realm to the Spindle. And she persuaded her Son to this Massacre. It was very speciously carried on, and veiled with pretences of the greatest Amity imaginable, and that was a Match between the Houses of clois and Bourbon, the King resolving to bestow his Sister Margaret in marriage to Prince Henry, Son to Joan, Queen of Navarre, the former being a Romanist, the latter of the Religion. But before the Nuptials were Celebrated, the Queen of Navarre( being then at the Court of Paris, providing all things necessary for the wedding-Solemnity) was poisoned by Renat, an Italian, the King's Apothecary, with the venomous scent of a pair of persum'd Gloves; by whose unnatural death, the Kingdom descended to the said Henry, precontracted to the King's Sister. Shortly after the Marriage was solemnized with Royal Pomp and State in the chief Church at Paris, to the great joy of his Majesty and all good Men; to this wedding the Grandees of the Protestant party were courteously invited, viz. Henry Prince of Conde, Gasper de Coligni Admiral of France, and Cousin to the King, Francis de Andelot, the Admiral's Brother, Captain of the Infantry, and other Princes and Nobles. And the Magnificence, Jollity, and Caresses of Entertainment were so great as are not to be expressed. Nothing is seen but Banquets, Balls, Masques, Stage-Plays, and such kind of divertisements, all personated in the Night. And this was the reason the Admiral had a desire to quit Paris, because he could not have access to the King, who was altogether taken up and delighted with these nocturnal Revels. But those of the reformed Religion hearing of his purpose to depart, with all speed delivered their Petitions to him for redress of Grievances, begging of him not to quit the place till he had presented them to the King, which he did on the 22th of August 1572, being the fifth day after the Marriage. Returning home about noon, a Harquebuzier shot the Admiral with a brace of Bullets through both the arms, out of the Window of a near adjoining House; but the Villain made his escape, before they could reach the House. The King was then at Tennis with the Duke, when one of the Admiral's Gentlemen acquainted him with the news; which he no sooner heard, but he, with a seemingly violent Transport of Passion, threw away his Racket, and retired to his Castle: as young as he was he made good use of the Motto of Lewis the 11th his Predecessor, Qui nescit dissimulare, nescit regnare. The King swears most desperately, severely to revenge this injury; grants the Admiral a Guard at his request, but such a one as would be sure to ruin rather than secure him: and Cossin, Captain of the Guards, was the Man that commanded them; a most Inveterate and irreconcilable Enemy to the Admiral and his Party, and a fast friend to the Guisians. The Admiral hear's a noise and rattling of armor, tho altogether undisturbed, having the King's Royal word for his security; Besides, he reflected on the Oath for Peace publicly and frequently sworn by the King, his Brethren and Mother, the League with Queen Elizabeth, the Articles with the Prince of Aurange to that purpose; the King's faith engaged to the German Princes; some Towns taken in the low Countries by the King's order; his Sisters marriage celebrated but six days before( yet her Bridal Robes were stained and defiled with innocent Blood) the judgement of foreign Princes, succeeding Posterity; the honour and Faith of a Prince, and the violation of the Law of Nations; all these, one would think, might easily oblige a Man to believe that it was incredible he could ever assent to so outrageous and monstrous a Fact.  
Well, notwithstanding all those Protestations, Promises, Oaths, and Vows, the Queen-Mother and the King had resolved upon a general Massacre throughout the City of Paris, and this bloody Butchery was to be executed on the 24 of August being Sunday( no matter for that, the better day the better dead) and accordingly it was performed: for Cossin first broke in, which the Admiral understanding, caused those few Servants that were with him to lift him out of his Bed, for he could not rise without help, being so disabled by his Wounds, and put on a Night-gown, desiring them to make their escape, he himself resolving to dy with an undaunted Courage and Christian-like Resolution.  
These assassins soon gained the Admiral's Chamber, broken open the doors, and Benvese, a German Miscreant, educated in the House of the Duke of Guise, with Cossin the Gascoign, and others, rushed in with Swords, Targets, and Coats of Male. Benvese presenting his Sword to the Admiral, after he had first blasphemed God, ran him in the breast, and then cowardly struck the aged Gentleman on the Head; Attin Shot him with a Pistol, and Benvese gave him the third Wound on the Thigh, and so he fell down Dead upon the Spot. The Duke of Guise that stayed in the Court called to him and bid him throw him out at the window, which he accordingly did. Then he commanded the sign to be given by ringing the Tocksein, or great Bell of the Palace,( which is never done but on extraordinary occasions:) the mark whereby the Murderers were distinguished was by a general consent to be a white linen Cloth tied about their Arm, and a white across on their Caps. Then an Italian soldier of Captain Lewis Gonzagua's, Duke of Nivers, cut off the Admiral's Head, and sent it to Rome, preserved with Spices, to the Pope and Cardinal of lorraine; others cut off his Hands, and some, voided of all modesty, his Privities. Then the rude Rabble, for three days together drew the dead Body, thus mangled and weltering in Gore, thorough the Streets, and afterwards out of the Town, to the common Gallows, and there hanged it up by the Feet. In the interim the rest broke into the other Chambers of the House, and slaught'red all they met with; among others, there were two young Pages of honour, of noble Birth, Count Rochfoucaut, and young Theligius, who was Guilty of no other crime, but being the Admiral's Son in Law. So they ran about from morning till night, ransacking 400 Houses, sparing neither Age, nor Sex, and threw the Bodies out of the windows, so that the Streets were strewed with murd'red carcases, and ran down with Blood.  
The next day the Butchery was renewed, those disperate Villains stripping the dead Bodies of their Garments, and throwing them into the River of Sein. Nor was their Blood-thirstiness yet quenched, for Messengers were sent Post to all Cities, commanding them to imitate Paris, and to kill all of the Religion. Many Women with Child, Ladies and Gentlewomen, Advocates, Physicians, and other eminent Men of Learning and Piety; among the rest Peter Ramus, and several Students, were assassinated, without Plea, Sentence or Condemnation. I must not omit one passage that deserves a marginal Asterism in blood, that is of Ma'sson de Rivers, a Pastor, and the first that laid the foundation of the Protestant Church at Paris. Mansorel, a mortal Enemy of the Religion, as soon as the Slaughter was began in Paris, was sent Post to Angiers to prevent the News of Massacre by others: as soon as he arrived there, he was conducted to Masson's House; in the very Entry he meets with his Wife and there saluted her very ceremoniously( a right Judas kiss, for he came to betray her Master) he demanded where her Husband was, she replied in the Garden, and being brought to him they mutually and lovingly( as to outward appearance) embraced each other, Mansorel  told him in plain terms, like a bloody Butcher, I am come hither by the King's command to kill you, as you may perceive by these Letters, producing his Dague ready charged. Masson answered, I have committed no Crime; however, I beg the favour of a little time to call upon God and recommend myself to his merciful hands. Which short orison being soon concluded, he with a meek Christian temper received his Death-Wound, being Shot through the Body; but to return to Paris. We left the Admiral's Body hanged up; the Parisians went thither in great Multitudes, and the Queen Mother carried the King along with them and her other two Sons to glut their eyes with that barbarous Spectacle; but the next night the Body was conveyed away, and interred, as 'tis conjectured. Their cruelty not being yet satiated, they bring some to public trial, to efface the blot of dishonour that might justly reflect upon the King; and there was a parcel of Judges called out for that very purpose, who made an Order that a man of Hay( since the Admiral's Body could not be found) should be made, and be dragged by the Boureau through the Streets, in effigy, which was accordingly done, his Arms and Ensigns of Honour broken, his Memory blasted, his Castles and Farms razed to the ground, his Issue declared Ignoble, Infamous, and Intestate, and all the Trees in his Woods to be cut down, to the height of six Foot.  
Thus in all Towns great murders were committed, but none more horrid or devilish than the Massacre at Lions, Mandolet being governor. As soon as he received the Letters, he, by a Trumpet and crier, summoned those of the Religion to appear before him, which they readily did. Then he committed them to several Prisons, and desired the common Executioner to call some to his assistance, and to murder them in Prison, but he refused it, saying, he executed the Law on none but such as were publicly condemned,( a goodly governor indeed, more cruel than the common Hangman!) Upon this denial, he commanded the Garrison Souldiers of the Castle to take upon them that worthy action, and they refused it likewise, upon a punctilio of Honour, that they did not use to fight with naked men; but the Butchers and watermen at last( verifying the old Saying, that they are pessimum genus hominum) were the wretched Actors of his Bloody Design, committing unheard of Cruelties, and sporting with them in the midst of their misery. Insomuch that the Blood which came out of the Goal, called the archbishop's Prison, was seen in the day-time, to the horror of the standards by, to flow reeking hot in the Channels of the Streets, and so into the River of Seine. Thus for the space of thirty days complete, there was no intermission of murder and Slaughter all over France, so that there were about 100000 Persons slain. The 
Guignard, in his Oration, said, It was a great mistake that they did not cut the Basilisk Vein.  Bridegroom and the Prince of Conde, who were secured, and turned Papists to escape their fury, yet could not avoid it; for the one was poisoned, and the other stabbed by the Papists. But now to the purpose. His Holiness surely could not but detest and abhor such barbarous Inhumanity; yet since this was done upon the account of Religion, and he is held to be the only competent Judge of it; let us give ear to his Opinion, which we find recorded in Thuanus, a Papist, and an authentic Historiographer, Hist. l. 53. The Pope's Legate at Paris gave him an exact Relation of this Massacre, which he received with great Joy and Satisfaction; red the Letter openly in the Consistory of Cardinals, and fell to consultation about the matter; where it was concluded and decreed, nemine contradicente, that they should go to St. Mark's Church, and return solemn thanks to God for so great a blessing bestowed on the Roman Church, and the whole Christian World: and this being performed, that a Jubilee should be forthwith published throughout all Christendom, to give thanks to the Almighty for destroying the Enemies of the Church, &c. The Guns were fired at the Castle of St. Angelo, Bonfires made, and all demonstrations of Joy manifested for this great Victory. Within a short time after, there was a Procession to St. Lewis, made by his Holiness, under a Canopy, his Train being born up by the Emperour's ambassador, with many of the Clergy and Nobility: and an Inscription was set over the Church door; whereby the Cardinal of lorraine in the name of the French King congratulated his Holiness and the Cardinals, &c. for the plainly stupendous effects, and altogether incredible events of the Counsels they gave him, of the Assistance they sent him, and of their twelve years desires and Prayers. Not long after the Pope sent Cardinal Ursin to Congratulate the French King in his name; who in his journey highly extolled the zeal of those who had a hand in the Massacre, and very prodigally distributed the Pope's blessings among them; and at Paris he used these words; The remembrance of the late Action, to be magnified in all Ages, as conducing to the glory of God, and the dignity of the holy Church of Rome, &c. What could a Dionysius, or a Phalaris have said more to purpose? 'twas nobly spoken, like a Man of God in armor, one that in tended to make more use of St. Paul's Sword than St. Peter's Keys to do the work of the Lord more effectually.  
Pope Sixtus the fifth, because he suspected Henry the fourth of France to be an Heritick, 
Thu. Hist. l. 91.  moved the Guisians( whom he styled the Maccabees of the Church of Rome) to enter into an holy League against their Lawful Sovereign; calling in Spain and Savoy to their Assistance, which succours they paid off with the Rights of the Crown: and did all that in them lay to rob him, both of his Kingdom and Life; which forced this King to treat them as they had the Hugonots; and for standing thus manfully upon his own Legs, in his own defence, he is shamefully abused by one of the Romanists, a Man of a common and shameless Brow, to bespatter a Puissant Monarch with such base and scurrilous Language: for he doth not blushy to affirm, that he was 1000 times worse than Mahomet; nay, he goes farther, saying, that no Nation ever suffered such a Tyrant from the Creation to his time. Kossaeus p. 17. However, the Pope Excommunicates the King, grants an Indulgence of nine Years, to any Subject that would fight against him, as the wages of his Rebellion; and did prognosticate( which he might easily do without Necromancy, an Art that many of them have been very expert in) that it would not be long' ere he came to a violent Death. The Subjects take up Arms against their King, and earn the Indulgence; and a Friar with his Knife verefies the Prediction: and the exultation and joy that was at Rome for this Assassination, can hardly be believed, were it not warranted by the Popes Harangue to his Cardinals, printed at Paris 1589, wherein he saith, this work of God( the King's murder) is to be compared with the Incarnation and Resurrection of Christ for it's Stupendiousness; and prefers the Friar's courage and fervent zeal to God, before that of Eleazar and Judith, averring, that the King died in the Sin against the Holy Ghost, tho a professed Papist. Thus a Popish King is stabbed, and condemned to Hell for sparing the Blood of Hugonots.  
I will not trouble you with the story of the Spanish Invasion in eighty eight, in the Reign of Queen Elizabeth; nor the Gun-powder Plot in the time of King James, tho the former was plotted, countenanced, and abetted by Pope 〈◇〉 and the latter had it's rise from the Breves of Pope Clement the eighth;( for where shall you hear of any monstrous Design that his Holiness hath not a Hand in?) These wicked Practices are so modern, and well known, that, I presume, the Reader wants not a Remembrancer to put him in mind of them, but my Pen is almost choked up with Blood and Gore; therefore I will conclude these Tragedies with this Epilogue, made ready to my hand, on the deplored death of the Lady Jane Gray. 

Nescio tu quibus es Lector lecturus ocellis,  
Hoc scio quod siccis scribere non potui.   

I know not, Reader, how you can forbear,  
I'm sure I could not writ without a Tear.    
The next thing that falls under our consideration is, the Popes Heavenly-mindedness, Knowledge, Learning, Sobriety, infallibility, and some other particulars.  
As to the first, to show how heavenly they are inclined; Baronius and Genebrard, both mortal Enemies to Protestants, and great Promoters of the Popish Interest and Religion, cannot but confess ingeniously, without any provocation thereunto, that from the Year 870, to the Year 1050, none sate in the Papal Chair, but such as were Necromancers, Magicians, Adulterers, Murtherers and Impious Persons.  
Hildebrand was a notorious Necromancer, raised Devils familiarly, shook sparks of Fire out of his sleeve by magic Art, being elected by Soldiers, contrary to the Canons of the Church, and when he obtained the Papacy, played the Devil for Gods sake, expelled Cardinals at his pleasure, and supported himself by his Sorcery and Witchcraft.  
John thirteenth, Monstrum Papae, a monster of a Pope, he, besides other filthy and enormous crimes which he committed, called for the Devil to assist him at Dice, and after drank a Health to him, and, like a Devil incarnate, would ramble about and break Windows, fire Houses in the night, and run away by the light of them.  
Pope Sylvester the second, was a Necromancer, and gave his Soul to the Devil, by compact made with him, provided he might obtain the Popedom. This is strange, tho true, to part with that for money, that cannot be purchased with money; sure he had but a very bad Bargain on't.  
Alexander the sixth, was guilty of Witchcraft as well as Incest, and a concatenation of other Crimes.  
Paul the third was a Magician, as well as John the 8th, 12th, 13th, 14th, 15th, 16th, 17th, as if the name, whose Etymology implies Gracious, could be so impure and satanical; and you will find, if you consult their own Authors, Idolatry in a Marcelline, 
Platina in vita Marcelli.  arianism in a Liberius, Diabolical Applications and Inhumations in a wicked coelestine, and such barbarous Cruelties, that Paganism itself, is comparitively merciful, and Mahometism morally virtuous.  
Their Learning and Knowledge in the Arts and Sciences will appear in a Pope Paul the second, who was brought up a Merchant's Factor, and was so great a hater of Learning and the Learned, that he pronounced them heretics, who durst so much as name the word Academy, 
Platina in vit. Paul. 2.  either in jest or earnest: Nay farther, my Author saith, Hunc ob rem Romanos ad hortabatur, ne filios diutius in studiis literarum paterentur; satis esse si legere& scribere potuissent; therefore he advised the Romans not to suffer their Children to go to School any longer, than till they had learnt to writ and red.  
Calixtus the third, an old decrepit foolish Spaniard, of whom Cardinal Pontanus de magni, c. 12. of his Election, Quam fatue, fatui, fatuum creavere Calixtum. How foolishly did the fools elect thee, foolish Calixtus, to the Papacy?  
The poor Bishop Virgilius, a German Mathematician, was cited to Rome for an heretic, because he asserted the Antipodes, and there( as one hath it) by the fiery zeal of Pope Zachary, was committed to the Flames, to show how infallible the Roman Oracle is in condemning that which all do maintain; and himself maintained the Antipodes in his life, his footsteps being opposite to those of his meek and pious Ancestors.  
Some Popes have been more ignorant Lay-men at their Election.  
Boniface the ninth, a neapolitan, was so illiterate, that he could neither writ, sing, nor say,( a fit Person to be Universal Pastor, and to instruct the ignorant) nor understand matters discussed before him; yet a notable Huckster for selling Livings, who exposed all to sale; no Dolt could be long unpreferr'd if he came open-handed, and could purchase with money.  
One of the Benedicts was a Boy of ten years of age, a Popeling, not manumitted from the rigour of the ferula●; John the 13th, an aged Stripling of nineteen: Nay, some Popes, as Alphonsus de Castro intimates, were such Learned Clerks, ut penitus Grammaticam ignorarent, that they had scarce red their Grammar. What? beardless Striplings ascend the Chair! surely 'tis not come to that yet! but it is, assure yourself, whatever is the matter. Hence we may rationally infer, that that Church must needs be well managed that hath such Reverend Guides and Learned Heads, yet if you look about you, you'l find more in't than you imagine; 'tis very probable these Successors of St. Peter did it to avoid the imputation of St. Paul; Too much Learning hath made thee mad.  
Take a spice of their Sobriety in Pope Benedict the 12th, who was so great a Drinker, would carouze so briskly, and turn off his Cups so merrily, that it seems he deserved this Epitaph, which some good Fellow or other bestowed on him: the Latin's honest, but homely.  
Iste fuit vero Laicis mors vipera Clero,  
Devius à vero, Cupa repleta mero.  
He was to Lay-men death in soothe,  
To Clergy and Divines  
A Viper; deviating from truth;  
A more Hogshead of Wines.  
Well, I'll say this for him, and a Fig for him, he was a boon blade I'll warrant you; this is the only sociable Pope that we have met with in the whole crew hitherto.  
Innocent the eighth, a dull ignorant Sot, who would take a Cup too much in the midst of his Affairs of greatest weight and importance, and like a true Philosopher drink till his head run round with the World, in vindication of the Copernican system.  
Their Conversation of yea, yea, and nay, nay, they observe very perfunctorily, for the Laity and inferior Clergy out-hector the whole World in blasphemous and customary Oaths; nor are the Popes themselves free from this vain 'vice, that is neither sweetened with Pleasure nor seasoned With Profit.  
The Barons of England, seeing that the Kingdom and Crown was become absolutely tributary to the Pope, to their great grief and perplexity, demanded some privileges of King John, which he had engaged by Oath to grant; to which he return'd no answer, but referred them wholly to Pope Innocent the third, as his Liege-Lord of whom he held his Crown. Ambassadors were sent to Rome, with Instructions and Demands to that purpose: but his Holiness resented it so ill, that in the close of his Speech, he Swore, with a furrowed Brow, by Saint Peter I cannot suffer this injury to be unpunished. Boldly done Innocent! 'twas more than St. Peter himself durst do, had he then sate in the Chair. And another time, upon some occasion being moved to Passion, he Swore by St. Peter and St. Paul both, that neither of them might take exceptions; of whom one wrote this Distich.  
Pope Innocent, the worst of all the rout,  
If you would spell his name right, put In out.  
Robert Grosthead, the honest Bishop of Lincoln, opposed Pope Innocent, and laughed at his thundering Excommunications; of whom it is reported, that he came to him after his death, and put his Holiness in mind, by a blow with his Crosier, of this Item, Surge miser,& veni in Judicum Dei: and soon after he died of a pleurisy.  
Now for the Grand Palladium of Rome, their so much boasted of, and highly applauded infallibility, which is infeof'd upon St. Peter's Chair, tho the Pope be heretic, Idolater, Incestuous, a Necromancer, Sodomite, nay, what not, if he once claps his apostolic Seat there, he must necessary be free from error.  
Doctor John Funecius, a Man of great Learning, in the 10th Book of his Chronology reports, that in the year 1332 Pope John the 22th, fell into a great heresy, which was this; That the Souls departed this life, did not enjoy the Beatifical Vision, that is see God, till the last day; yet this Pope must be infallible, tho guilty of so gross an Error.  
There happened a great difference between this Pope and the Franciscans; he charging them with heresy, and they again, to requited his kindness, disowning him, as a damnable heretic, and no Pope; thus his Infallibility of judgement is disclaimed by his own Crew, and he himself un-Pop'd by them.  
There were three blazing Comets conspicuous in the Roman Horizon at one and the same time, that was in the 11th Century, viz. Benedict the 9th, Sylvester the third, and Gregory the sixth, and, as one saith very well, It were very strange if they should produce no alteration in the Ecclesiastical Body. Three Popes cohabiting at Rome, and as many more residing in three several Countries; a Grand Schism for the space of forty years; and Ambition and Corruption, being more prevalent to advance to the Pontifical Dignity, than a good Christian Life. It must needs be a greater Prodigy, than a Miracle-monger, by the help of his forged Legends, can pretend to, that contrariety should meet and shake hands, and absolute Contradictions prove a Pope infallible. These were Anti-Popes in competition and opposition to the Papal Promotion; nay, their own Authors are at difference, yet a● daggers drawn about his infallibility. See Gerson, Occham, Alimain, Ecchins, Hosins, Pighins and Waldensis. Nay, the prettiest humour of all is, that they should impose upon us so much as to force us to believe, that when two Popes contradict each other, yet they are both infallible, or if they enjoin the perusal of different Bibles we must use neither.  
Pope Urban the 8th lived the longest and died the richest of all the Popes; for he sat in the Chair twenty years: a rare thing( for they usually kick up their heels very suddenly, and the reason is this, if they should live long they would do too much mischief) tho none of them ever attained to the years of St. Peter, who, as they say, was Bishop of Rome twenty five. This Urban was a very active Man, and did not only prie into the present Affairs of the Church, but with a retrospect did ripp up and dive into old matters; to which end and purpose he appointed a select Committee to examine Accounts, and take cognizance of the Errors of his Predecessors; upon which occasion this witty Pasquin was made at Rome; where there are the Statues of St. Peter and St. Paul erected upon a Bridge there directly opposite one to the other, a merry wag had clapped a pair of Spurs upon St. Peter's heels, and St. Paul is supposed to say to him, Whither so fast in this riding posture? who answers him; I apprehended there is great danger in my stay at Rome, by reason of this new Commission, for I fear they will question me for denying my Master, therefore I'll post away to some other place of Safety; and truly Brother Peter, said Paul, I intend not to stay long after you, for I have as much reason to suspect that they will examine me for persecuting Christians before my Conversion.  
Pope Zachary, when the trade of Church-merchandizes was very dead, and he had little or nothing to do, rather than he would be idle, wrote to Bishop Boniface in Germany directions when to eat Bacon, and he did very well in't, whatsoever the prating huguenot says to the contrary; tho he had done far better, in the Opinion of some of our modern Casuists, if he had also given him some wholesome Instructions concerning the Manducation of Eggs, that so the Prelate might have had a complete Dish.  
lo the tenth had an intention to create Raphael Urbin, a more Painter, Cardinal; And why might not a good Painter make a good Cardinal? but sure it was not he who drew the Pictures of St. Peter and St. Paul, and made them so red-faced, that that he was reproved for it by some of the Conclave, because the ignorant might be apt to judge them great Drinkers, to the scandal of Religion; but he soon replied, that is your mistake and not mine; for I made them so ruddy, because I knew that if they were living they would blushy for shane at the vicious lives of their pretended Successors. Now what if it were the same Man? It was great and good policy in the Pope, beyond the reach of a Protestant Noddle; for hereby he might oblige all of that Profession, in hopes of the like Promotion, that when ever any of them for the future should undertake to draw the portraiture of any Saint whatsoever, he should make them of a more pallid and sober Complexion. I'll warrant you this leering huguenot laughs in his sleeve at this pretty intrigue of Church-Policy: but no matter for that, the Papist cries out, Let him laugh that wins, and so gives you one Proverb in exchange of another.  
It is reported in our History, that King James of blessed Memory did once in his Progress vouchsafe to bestow a visit upon Sir— Pope, Knight, whose Lady at that time was lately delivered of a Daughter, and the Infant was presented to his Majesty with a Paper of Verses in her Hand which the King was much pleased with, the Contents whereof were as followeth; 
See this little Mistris here,  
Who ne're sate in Peter's Chair,  
Or a Triple Crown did wear,  
And yet she is a Pope;  
She hardly is a seven-night old,  
Nor did she ever hope  
To Saint one with a Pope,  
And yet she is a Pope.  
No benefice she e're sold;  
Nor did dispense with Sins for Gold;  
No King her Feet did ever kiss,  
Or had from her worse look than this,  
And yet she is a Pope.  
A Female Pope you'l say, a second Joan;  
Nay, sure she is Pope Innocent, or none.   
Now if any or all your Romanists can, out of your long Nomenclatura of Popes, produce one that may come near this Protestant Pope for Innocence, Modesty, or Humility, wee'l save you the labour of compassing Sea and Land to make Proselytes, for wee'l all unanimously return, and without any more ado re-unbosom ourselves with your Holy Mother the Church of Rome.  
It is thought by some, and those Judicious Persons too, that Pasqin, among the many witty Jests he hath thrown upon the Pope and Clergy, never acted any thing with better Grace, than when he counterfeited himself so affronted that he was ready to die for very Grief, because he had received such an Injury as had almost broken his very Heart: and being asked by one that heard him bemoan himself; what Injury, Friend, is this that is done to thee? Has any one called thee Thief or Buggerer? No, no, said he. What then? And so went on naming most of the grossest Indignities that could be put upon a Man by opprobrious Language. No, no, pish, said he, you have not hit it yet; and so breaking out into grievous Sobs and Sighs, Alas! alas! said he, 'tis worse then all you can imagine, they have been so abusive as to call me Pope. Nay farther, he has given you to understand what conceit he and all Men should have of the Pope, by this following Hexastick.  

Hic Carapha jacet Superis invisus& Imis  
Styx animam; Tellus putre cadaver habet.  
Invidit paçem Terris, Diis Vota Precesque,  
Impius,& Clerum perdidit,& Populum.  
Hostibus infensis supplex, infidus amicis:  
Scire cupis paucis caetera? Papa fuit.   

Here th' hate of Heaven and Hell, Carapha lies:  
Ith' Grave's his Body; in Styx his Soul cries:  
He envied Peace with Men and Prayers to God;  
To Lay and Clergy-men a wicked Rod.  
Suppliant to Foes; but Faithless to his Friend:  
In short, he was a Pope, and there's an End.   
Pope lo the 10th, being  told by his Confessor, that he need fear nothing, because he had the Keys of Heaven at his Girdle, and those of the Church Treasury also, consisting in the Merits of Christ, and the blessed Saints, gave him this true answer. Thou know'st that he who hath once sold a thing, hath no longer right to it; therefore, since I have made sale of Heaven and all to others, I have nothing to do with it myself; which being the common traffic at Rome, was the occasion of this saying.  
Roma dat omnibus omnia dantibus, omnia Romae,  
Cum pretio.—  
Rome gives to all that part with all their Gold:  
For there all things are merely bought and sold.  
The same Pope being reproved by some of his Cardinals, for leading so lewd a Life, being grown worse and worse, since his Inauguration; answered them, If I am wicked you are the cause of it, for you made me what I am; which strange reply, put them to this question, what he meant by saying so; why, quoth he, you have made me Pope, and it is impossible to be a Pope and a good Man; Now this must needs be infallibly true, because Infallibility itself, maintains it to be so.  
Thus you see what it is to be a Pope, and may rest satisfied with this as a Corollary for all; if horrid Blasphemies, oaths, and Execrations; if filthy Whoredom, Adultery, Incest, Sodomy and Buggery; if intolerable Pride, Ambition, Tyranny and Oppression; if bloody Cruelty, Butcheries, murders and Massacres; if sordid Avarice, Simony and sacrilege, if Hellish Sorcery, Witchcraft, and Necromancy; if blockish Ignorance, Stupidity, game, and all manner of Debaucheries; if these or any of these are commendable and sufficient Qualifications for the Papacy, then no Persons in the World were ever more fit to govern the See of Rome, than those Popes that we have given you an Account of; but it is now high time to take our leave, and bid them all Adieu.  
Sic explicit Actus primus. Exit Pope, Enter Cardinal.  

Of Cardinals, Abbots, Bishops, and Jesuits promiscuously.  
ANd first of the Cardinals, being next to the Pope, and Superior to others in Dignity; let us observe whether the Cardinals Cap shrouds as many Vices as the Triple Crown; but here I must tell you for your Comfort before hand, that you'l find ne're a Barrel better Herring but like Master like Man; like Head like Members; and those as bad as bad can be, nay, which is worst of all, 'tis a stark shane, that there is no shane among them.  
The Popes have been Fathers to some, but Silvester the first was Godfather to all of them: for by him they were called Cardinals. qd. Cardines, because they are the Persons about whom, like Hinges, the Church Militant ought to move, repose upon, and be supported; to intimate unto us, that those who attain to the Dignity of the Cardinalate, ought to be so Exemplary in their Lives and Conversations, that all Christians may be regulated by their Actions, and the very Infidels persuaded to return into the bosom of the Roman catholic and apostolic Church; Who, when he is created by the Pope's Breve, 'tis in these Words; Creamus te Socium Regibus, superiorem Ducibus& Fratrem nostrum. We do make thee equal to Kings, Superior to Dukes, and our own Brother. Innocent the fourth gave them the read Hat, Boniface the ninth their Vestment, and Paul the second the Scarlet Cap, to signify unto us how ready they are to venture their Lives and  shed their Blood for the Honour of God, and Service of their holy Mother the Church, or which is more probable, to spill the Blood of those good Christians who oppose their superstitious and idolatrous Worship; Now, how they deserve either Name or Habit bestowed on them by his Holiness, whose Infallibility is as much to be questioned in this, as in any other Matter, these ensuing Relations will soon convince you.  
And first, for their blasphemous and profane Expressions and abuses of Scripture; for we will be more plain with them than their Universal Bishop, and not cloak 'vice with the name of Virtue.  
Cardinal Bembo was so much affencted with, and tied up to Cicero, that he would use none but his Words: therefore the Senate of Venice must be styled, Patres conscripti, Dukes and Dukedoms, Reges& Regna, the grand Turk and the sophy, Reges Armeniae& Thracum: Excommunication, Interdictio Igni& Aquae; Faith, Persuasio; Nuns, Vestals; and the Pope Pontifex Maximus, and he was so puffed up with this Conceit, that he altogether slighted St. Paul's Epistles, abusing them with the Name of Epistolacciae, little idle Epistles, dissuading his Friends from perusal of them, lest thereby they should corrupt their Eloquence. 'twas done like a true Christian Cardinal, to prefer Cicero the Pagan, before St Paul the learned and great Apostle of the Gentiles.  
And another Popish Prelate had so great a stock of Impudence as to say, that St. Paul penned many unnecessary things, which might have been better omitted; and farther, that if he had seriously considered the offence that might afterwards have been given thereby, he would have been better advised, before he had ventured upon the Publication of them.  
Cardinal Baronius, 
Baron. in his admonition against the Venetians, p. 47.  in his Discourse against the signory of Venice, blames the Venetians in these proud and profane words, The Venetians doing the contrary are as Monsters and Prodigies of the De● will; adding this reason to corroborat● and strengthen his Argument, and setting himself above the Angels, to prove hi● authority over them; Know ye not that we shall judge the Angels? Abusing that Scripture, and wresting it for his own ends, whereas it speaks of all the Faithful,( not Clergy-men solely) who shall sit as Assistants to our Saviour at the last day, when he shall pronounce, go ye cursed, &c. against the wicked Sinners.  
Bellarmine is so bold as to affirm, that the Pope is Head of the Church, 
Bellar. l. 1. de 'pon. c. q.  Etiam Christo secluso, though contrary to the Holy Gospel, I am with you alway, unto the end of the World: and in opposition to their own Canons: which says expressly; Christ is always the governor and Head of his Body, 
Gl. v. non. consonam Clem. Ne Romam l. 1. de Elect. Tit. 3.  viz; the Church, and although the Vicar fail, yet he doth never fail it. It is reported by an Italian Writer, that a Cardinal lying upon his death-bed, desired to be shriven; and when his Confessor came to do that Office, he  told him that he must worship one God only; who replied so I do, and that God is the Pope: for since his Holiness is God on Earth,( and two Gods are not to be worshipped) I had rather adore the visible than the invisible Deity: the Confessor rejoined, the Pope is neither God nor Christ, but the Cardinal closed the discourse with this Blasphemy, I would have thee to understand, that if Christ were alive again, and should take a Journey to Rome, the Pope would give him a very could( or no) reception, unless he would humble himself so far as to kiss his Pantofle.  
It was the devout saying of a profound Doctor of the Roman Church, who did declare openly, that if he were satisfied no Person had St. Paul's Epistles but himself, he would commit them to the flames, and burn them, rather than they should be publicly red.  
Next, of their Riches, Lasciviousness, and Incontinency.  
Baptista Fulgosius, though a great stickler for Popery, 
Fulgos. l. 9. c. 1.  reports of Peter Riarius, one of Pope Sixtus the fourth's Cardinals, that his gowns, the Tieks, and Coverings of his Bed, were all of Cloth of Gold, and his other Furniture of Silk, and that he feasted elinor of Arragon, as she was on her Journey to Hercules d'Este, Duke of Ferrara, with whom she was to be married very sumptuously, I had almost said Royally, where there was such variety, and different sorts of Luxurious Viands, and Delicious Quelqueschoses, that the Banquet continued seven hours, and that his Guests might not be tired with so long and tedious a Treat, he diverted them with several Plays, which were acted whilst they sate at Table, and every Servitor that attended, to render the Entertainment more splendid, had a new suit every Course that was brought in; this is according to the Proverb, Prelates fare ●ndeed, that is delicious Food; yet all this is short of what he says afterwards, that he was so shameless as to keep his Whore Tiresia, publicly, and so splendidly rich in all her gorgeous Apparel, that her very shoes were studded with Diamonds, Pearls, and precious Stones.  
The great and modest Prelate, John Bishop of Crema, who was commissionated to oppose the Marriage of the English Clergy, did perform his errand so well as to confute himself grossly; for that very night he was taken in Bed with a Strumpet. What of all this? you must not take notice of what they do, but what they say, thus the catholics excuse it, but I'll warrant you the huguenot will either laugh, or shake his head at such frivolous and sinful Evasions.  
At the Council of Trent,( a fit place for such an Action) a Husband lent his Wife to a Cardinal( see what Fripperers and Brokers they are, that can pawn their Wives Chastity for filthy lucre) and though at first she was religiously scrupulous, pleading Conscience, yet she soon altered her Mind, and prostituted her Body to the holy Man's Embraces. The next Morning the Cardinal's Concubine went very confidently to her Husband, and paid him the money promised for her work; telling him withall, that though you take it but for a Loan, yet assure yourself it is an absolute sale, therefore you had best provide yourself another Bed-fellow; for to tell you the Truth, I had rather be sold out right, then barely lent, that I may not be put to the trouble of changing so often.  
There was a Bishop who said these Words in the hearing of the Writer; 
Stevens Apol. for Heroditus.  In former times Clergy-Men were advanced for their Learning and Knowledge in the Tongues; but for his own particular he understood not one Syllable of Latin but his Passe-Latin( that is the Office of a Pander or Bawd) by which means he was promoted to the Episcopacy.  
John de la Casa, Arch-Bishop of Benevent, and the Pope's Legate in the whole State of Venice, was the Author of an Italian Poem, where he chanted forth 1000 Encomiums of Sodomy: among other Epithets which he gives it, he calls it a heavenly Work; which Book was printed at Venice by Trojanus Nanus, as the amanuensis that copied it out, do aver, Monstrum horrendum, &c. A Monster of of Men.  
A certain Friar, summoned to appear before his Diocesan, being accused for a Lutheran, but he not only excused, but accquitted him, because he could wench, swear, be drunk, and did not quote Scripture; which true Story gave birth to this facetious Epigram, 

Esse Lutheranum rumour te, Gaurice, clamat; said tuus Antistes te tamen esse negat;  
Tam Scortaris ait, quam si vel Episcopus esses,  
Et potas dubiam pervigil usque Diem:  
Nec memor es Christi, nisi cum jurare libebit,  
Nec scis Scripturas, nec breve jota sacrae,  
Nempe per haec suevit nunqam fallentia signa  
Ille vigil sanas noscere Pastor Oves.   

Gauricus by report's a Lutheran,  
His ghostly Father says he's no such man,  
Because he wenches at that wanton rate,  
As if the mitre adorned his bald Pate,  
He's such a fuddle Cap too, as they say,  
He tipples without ceasing Night and Day.  
Nor thinks on Christ, but when he's swearing Oaths,  
Nor of the Holy Writ one tittle knows.  
Now by such never failing Marks as these,  
Which are his good Sheep th' watchful Pastor sees.    
Cardinal Granvil was a debauched Man, one of low Birth, but high Advancement, a Smith's Son; and we may well say of him, as Juvenal did of the Greek Orator of the same extract, in his 10th satire, who, though an Heathen, did exceed him as much in Morality as rhetoric; and if his Lot had fallen within the Pale of the Church, would undoubtedly have deserved the Cardinalate much more than he, and proved a better Christian.  
A carbone& forcipibus, gladiosque parante  
Incude,& luteo Vulcano ad Rhetora missus.  
The private part of this Cardinal's Life, his secret Retirements, and Closet Conversation, was dissolute and detestably lascivious, even to Romanists themselves; the dimensions of his Immoralities and Impieties were of a vast extent; his Adultery, Lechery, and Wantonness banished him from Rome, Naples and Millan: He, to promote his Lust, caused several exquisite Pieces of obscenity to be drawn and printed, and in his private recesses he had the Pictures of the Greatest Ladies and Beauties pourtraicted to the Life, which had been by him violated, and prostituted to his devilish Lust; insomuch that there was a Pasquinata that went up and down of him and some others, that Carrera's cowardice, the Duke of Sesa's Gout, Don John's Cod-piss and Cardinal Granvil's Breeches had lost the Guleta.  
Heliodorus, was so captivated and taken with his Aethyopian, or amorous History of Cariclea, which was to be called in by reason of some loose passages therein, or he to lose his bishopric; that the mitred Gentleman made choice of the latter, rather lose his profit, than his pleasure and wanton humour.  
Octavian of St. Gelais, Bishop of Angoulisme in France,( yet the worthy Translator of Ovid de arte amandi) was so Poetically waggish, that he would lay a Wager, he could answer any one Extempore, should speak to him in rhythm. Done and done, Cock-pit Law; the Wager is agreed upon and laid, and these three Verses were repeated to him, whilst he was dandling his breaden God.  

L'autre jour venant de l'Escole,  
je trouvai la Dame nichol,  
Laquelle étoit de verd vestue.   

Coming from School the other Day,  
I met with bonny Bess by th' Way.  
clothed all in green.   
To which he readily, replied without interruption to his devout Missification.  

Ostez moy du col cest' estole,  
Et si bien tost ye ne l'accole,  
I'auray la gageure perdu.   

Some one take off my stolen, I pray,  
And if I kiss her not straightway,  
I'll lose the Wager clean.   
A pretty amorous and kissative Prelate indeed? This can be no less than Osculum Charitatis, let what Female soever receive it.   

Of their Cruelty, Massacres, murders, covetousness, Ignorance.  
NOr have we done with Cardinal Granvil; for tho we concluded the last, we must begin this Chapter with him. He was more than suspected to be an Atheist, very much addicted to Enchantments, Sorcery and poisoning; and he made an Essay of this his black Art on the wise and virtuous Maximilian the second, King of the Romans; yet this walking Monument of Vices was looked upon by the Pope and King of Spain to be a very fit Instrument in settling the holy Inquisition in the Netherlands; a proper Agent, sufficiently qualified with Cruelty for that bloody Employment he was to execute.  
This bloody Inquisition had no Cloak to shrowd it's Tyranny, but pious fraud covered with Robes of Sanctity, erected in several Parts of Europe( but we will only mention that of the Netherlands, wherein the Cardinal was so much concerned) was confirmed and ratified by Pope Sixtus the fourth. This bloody Granvil, a Sanguine Cardinal, must be the good Man appointed to settle this horrid Inquisition, who, with the assistance of that Monster the Duke d'Alva, puts all in a flamme and Combustion; and to enumerate the Troubles, Miseries, Cruelties, Massacres, murders, barbarisms, and Devastations both of that People and Country, is a Task beyond my Weakness, and too sanguinary for a Man of my Constitution: only in short, these Inquisitors did imprison and execute all Protestants with the most exquisite and incredible Tortures; confiscate their Goods, and the Proprietors were ruined, expelled, imprisoned, chained, fettered, burned, hanged, beheaded, broken on wheels, hanged alive by the Feet; nay, these are but Infant-Cruelties, in the very Cradle, compared to the Wrack, the through of Water, Pulley: Barbarisms far exceeding the Bull of Phalaris, Regulus his nailed Barrel, or the Tortures of the most bloody and arbitrary Tyrants among Infidels; Cruelties that would melt a Rock, and so inhuman, that it is a Crime to think on them without the Tribute of a Tear: nothing was to be seen throughout this miserable Country but Wheels, Gibbets, Stakes, Wracks, and wretched Objects of Pity; nothing to be heard but the cries of poor Orphans and Widows for their Parents and Husbands, the Sons living a deplorable life in Woods, the Daughters and Virgins ravished and brutishly used, beyond all Modesty; insomuch that Cruelty in a Human shape could not have been more outrageous and destructive, then these modern Pharaohs. The Duke d'Alva, that sponge of Belgian blood, boasted, that in six years he had dispatched to the other World by Course of Justice, at least 18000 Belgians, and yet the President of his Council said, that he quiter spoiled the Netherlanders with too much Clemency and Mercy; so that it might very well be said of him, as it was once of the Roman Emperour Caligula; that he never spared Man in his Rage. Nobility, Honor, Merit, Chastity, nor any Virtue, could privilege the Possessors from the Wrack, Pulley, Gibbet, &c. the usual Attendants of these distressed Souls, and constantly waited on their Hearses. They were so rigorously used by these Lords Inquisitors, that their very Thoughts must be suppressed and stisted for fear of Discovery;( so that the Proverb failed here, Thoughts were not free) for fear of the same misfortune of the Knight at Rome, who was executed for putting a Dream into Words; Nay, the Torments of some were warnings to all; witness the timorous temper of Sevilian, who had a fruitful Pear-tree growing in his Garden, and the Inquisitors requested some of that Fruit; but he for fear of displeasing them, plucked up the very three itself by the Roots, and freely bestowed it on them, Fruit and three and all. I will conclude this Paragraph, with the saying of an English Knight, upon another occasion; if all Cruelties were lost, they might be found in this Inquisition; and yet this was settled, promoted, and principally managed by the Religious Clergy-man, Cardinal Granvil.  
In the Reign of Otho the Emperour, Hatto Bishop of Mentz in Germany, was so pitiful to the Poor, that in a time of great Dearth and Want, he assembled a great Multitude of them together, put them in a Barn, and then set it on fire and burnt them; justifying his inhuman Action, with as inhuman and unepiscopal an Expression, That they differed nothing at all from Rats, and Vermin that devoured the Corn, and consequently were good for nothing. But, he that sits above all, and sees all, sent such Troops of Rats to execute his Vengeance, that they eat him up alive; though he thought to defend himself from their assaults, by climbing up his lofty Tower, but they pursued him thither, and never left hunting him from Place to Place, till they had dispatched and devoured him; and this Place is called the Rats Tower to this very day.  
And yet( so obdurate are some Persons in their Cruelty) notwithstanding this severe judgement executed upon the former Miter'd Offender; Herebert, Archbishop of Cologne, was so unhappy, as to be related to a Brother, Heir of the like Cruelty to the Poor, in the like Extremity.  
The Cardinal of St. Eustace, poisoned Pope Alexander the 5th, who might rather be said to usurp the Papal Throne, then to be fairly made choice of, and elected to it, and adopted to himself the name of John the 23th.  
The cruel Prelate of Verdan, 
Phil. Comines.  was the first that ever shewed King Lewis the 11th, the Invention of Iron Cages; and for a reward of his Mitred Cruelty, was justly mewed up in one of them, to make the first Experiment of the Invention, and confined like a bloody bide of prey, to that Cage for 14 years together.  
As to their Avarice, and Covetousness; Pontanus in his Book of Liberality, tells you, that one Cardinal Angelot, was such a close-fisted gripping Miser, that he would creep privately by night into his own Stable, and steal away the allowance of Hay from the poor Horses; which he so constantly used, that his resolute, and bold Horseler took heart of Grace, and banged him well-favourdly for his pains.  
It is reported, that when a covetous Prelate begged a fat bnfice of Lewis the 12th, King of France,( notwithstanding the Pluralities he already enjoyed) he made him this answer, Tot dabo tibi, quod Diabolus portabit omnia, I shall give thee so long, that the Devil will carry all away at last.  
As to the lewd Lives, Fraud and covetousness, of the Popish Clergy; there is a standing Monument thereof in the ston walls of the Library at Fulda, which remains still to their reproach, viz. the Picture of a Wolf with a shaved Crown, a Monk's cowl, leaning on a Staff, and preaching to a company of goose, and this is his doctrine; Testis est mihi Deus quam cupiam vos omnes in visceribus meis; and another of a Cat, with a mitre on her Head, and a Crosier in her Paw, instructing the Mice; to whom one of the most apprehensive of those diminutive Animals, as nimble with her tongue, as her feet said; Charius est mihi ut moriar Paganus, quam sub vestra manu fiam Christianus; but crafty Mrs. Evans suddenly replies, 
Quod fueram non sum Frater, caput aspice tonsum.  
I am not what I was of late,  
Brother, behold my shaved Pate. But she lordships,  
Cor tibi restat idem, vix tibi praesto fidem.  
Thy heart's the same as formerly;  
Therefore I dare not credit thee.   
These Pictures are above 200 years old, and do notably discover the temper of the Prelacy, and are not a whit the worse, because Wicelius calls them Lutheranissimas, but the better.  
As to their Pride, Stupidity and blockish Ignorance; It is recorded in History, of the Cardinal of Avignon, that when the French King saw the Grandeur, State, and Pomp of the Popes Court, and the Haughtiness and Pride of his Cardinals; he asked him whether the Apostles were ever lacquey'd with such a Train at their heels, or attended by such a numerous Retinue? To whom he answered, No surely Sir. But you must understand, that they were Apostles, when Kings were shepherds, that's the reason.  
Arch-bishop Parker, in his Antiq. britain. saith, that a French Bishop, being to take his Oath before the Archbishop of Canterbury, met with the word Metropoliticae, which he could by no means Pronounce, so ignorant he was, and therefore past it over with this bald expression in French, Soit pour did, Let it be so said or spoken; so be it.  
He was a wise Bishop indeed,( as wise as the Fellow that put out the Candle, that the pleas might not see to bite and sting him with their proboscis,) who commenced a svit with his Canons, which proved very dilatory, but he at last overthrew them, and took order in his life time, that his Tomb should not lie along in the Church as others do, but stand upright, for fear that after his death they should piss upon his Body by way of revenge. A pretty Pastor, who took more care of his Body while living, than of the state of his Soul after death.  
Not many Years ago, a President of the high Court of Parliament, was so just and modest as to beg the favour of a nights Lodging with a Lady of Quality and Honour, upon which Terms he promised her audience, the Lady having at that time a Cause depending before him: his Name I will conceal, but withall give you this notice of him, that it was the same Person, who not not long after being made an Abbot, wrote a severe Book against the Lutherans( which he dedicated to the Pope) in so harsh and uncouth a style, that his Holiness was resolved to make Cul-paper of it; for going one day to the Close-Stool( to show as Platina says, that he is subject to the Necessities and Infirmities of Nature as well as other Persons) to ease himself, brought a Disease upon himself by making cleanly use of a Leaf of it; for it did so chafe and gull his apostolic Seat, that he lost a great deal of Leather, and was as sore in the Fundament as he could have been in the Feet, had his Devotion put him upon the trot in a Pilgrimage to Jerusalem. See the dire Effects of crabbed Latin; 'tis ten times worse than the Piles, Hemorrhoids or Fistula in ano; but I'll warrant you this was such a warning to him, that his Holiness, of his own accord, and for his own good, without the Advice of a Physician, did forbear ever after the use of such excoriating Abstersives.  
This Question was once proposed in a council, An sint Episcopi immediate à Christo, an mediate à Pontifice? A Reverend Bishop moved with it, made this learned and Christian reply, Parcat mihi Dominus Christus, non sum ab ipso.  
Another of their Reverend Doctors, being quiter baffled and beat off of the Stage with downright Scripture, pleaded this as an excuse, Ego non sum Theologus, Ego sum Canonicus.  
One of these Reverendissimi, was not at all ashamed to declare openly his admiration, that such young Fellows and Boys should now a days quote the new Testament, per diem, whereas he did solemnly and truly profess, that he was fifty years of Age and upward before he was so wise as to understand what the New Testament meant.  
But here we will bid adieu to these Illustrissimos, and pass from the Cardinal's red-Hat, to the Jesuits black-Cap; which I fear will prove more mischievous.  
Take but a view of some of their Pranks, and you'l find them as expert and knowing in the exquisite Methods of crafty and circumventing Wickedness, as any of the Popes or preceding Cardinals.  
As to the name of Jesuit, it breaths nothing but health and prosperity, being derived from Jesus; but as to the nature of the Persons, nothing but death and damnation; and for their presumption in assuming to themselves this name, they were very much maligned, and hated at first, and that was the reason they called themselves afterwards Socios Jesu, the Companions of Jesus. Now in the sacred Writ, if you strictly examine it throughout, you will find only one, and that a goodly one, that was called Christ's Companion, viz. Judas: so much for their name. They have also a Nick-name, which they will carry to their Graves. When they first negotiated for footing in Paris, they demanded what they were, whether Seculars or Regulars; and they made answer, Tales quails, Such and Such; a Nick-name, which they will ne're be able to claw off, for they are upbraided with it to this very day.  
The Glorious Patron of these Popish janissaries, was an infirm Enthusiastick Spanish soldier, and Cripple; and they, in imitation of him, their first founder, do hault lamely ever since; his name was Ignatius Loyola, who being a soldier in those times when Ferdinand of Arragon invaded the Kingdom of Navarr, and opposed King John de Albret, whom the Pope had excommunicated, because he supplied the King with Succours; At this very time was this Loyola a Soldier at Pampelona, where he was maimed; it being then besieged by the King: this Patron of that Holy Order resolved to erect a Society of Jesuits, which should be able from that time forward to maintain and uphold the Usurpations of his Holy Master, and to promote the Power of the unerring Prelate of Rome; which they do infinitely prefer beyond the Life, Honour, and Good of Kings: to which purpose these Fauters of the Popes Power have a peculiar Vow, and take an Oath of blind Obedience a fourth Vow unknown to other Orders, whereby they move Subjects against their Sovereigns, and stir them up to Rebellion against their Lawful Princes.  
Let us begin with their Blasphemies both in Expressions and Opinions; and you shall find them very bold as to these Particulars.  
These are they that infected Ravilliac, that monstrous assassin, with these and the like Blasphemies, That to make War against the Pope was to make War against God; that God is the Pope and the Pope is God. O horrid! Lucianisme is modest to such christianism comparatively. These are the Persons who blasphemously substitute another God on Earth besides our Holy Father in Heaven, whom they style most Holy Father, and separate Jesus Christ from his Body and Spouse, the Holy Church, creating him a Vicar-General or Vice-gerent in all his Kingdoms: etiam Christo secluso. 
Bel. l. 1. de pontiff c. 9.  What shall we say of such a pack of Saints as these. The Saracens had an ancient Law, that whosoever should blaspheme the name of Christ, or the Virgin Mary, should be starved to death between two Boards.  
Galeacius, a Duke, hanged a Man only for murmuring against him. And the Duke of Mantua put another to death for the like Offence; and must Blasphemy against the Almighty go unpunished in such pretended Sanctimonious Religiosi as these Jesuits seem to be? But we'll leave the punishment of this Crime to that Lord whose Morto is, Revenge is mine.  
Father Garnett the Jesuit, one of the Gun-powder-Plot, had this Question put to him by the Earl of Nottingham, Whether if any one should confess to him in the Morning that he intended to murder the King next Evening, he was bound in Conscience to reveal it? To whom he answered in the Negative: and Binetus, another of the Tribe, confirms this Opinion, in these words to Casaubon; Praestare Reges omnes perire, quam si vel semel Confessionis Sigillum violaretur; Regem enim ait humani, Juris Imperium esse, Confessionem Juris divini. Nay farther, another Jesuit in France was so audacious as to affirm openly; Si Dominus noster Jesus Christus in Terris versaretur morti obnoxius, et aliquis sibi in Confessione dixisse velle se illum occidere, priusquam Confessionem revelaret passurum se, ut Christus occidatur; that is, If our Lord Jesus Christ were upon Earth, Mortal, and a Person should Confess to him, that he would kill him; he would rather suffer our Saviour to be murdered than reveal his Confession.  
Nor are they less practised in horrid murders than Blasphemies.  
'twas a young stripling of this Pious Order, that stabbed Henry the Fourth in the Mouth with his Parricide Knife, intending his murder, tho it only proved the loss of a Tooth; which moved the good King to no other return, than this pleasant Repartie. Falloit il queen less Jesuistes fussent convanicus par ma bouche. Must the Jesuits be confuted by my own Mouth? Hereupon they were commanded to depart the Kingdom by a certain Day, and a new Stone-Gallows erected before the Palace Gate for the Execution of the Offender;( tho the Parliaments Decree against this wicked Act was made null at Rome,) and afterwards the Pusillanimous Prince removed it out of fear; which made one descant wittily upon this timorous Action of the King's, in this French Quatrain.  
Sire si vous voulez du tout a l'advenir,  
De l' Assassin Chastel oster le souvenir,  
Ostant la pyramid& l' Arrest qui le touch;  
Qu'on vous remette donc une dent dans la bouche.  
Great Sir if you will have succeeding times,  
Ignorant of th' assassin Chastl's Crimes;  
Waving th' Arrest and Gibbet, Sovereign dread,  
Let him another Tooth set in your Head.  
But this was only a Prologue to the ensuing Tragedy acted by Francis Raviliac, born at Angoulesme in France, who, after he had attempted four several times to kill the King, tho still happily prevented, began that day with Confession, and seeming Devotion, whereon he perpetrated that horrid murder,( which was on Friday the 14th of May, An. 1610.) and employed the remaining part to follow the Kings Coach, to find out a convenient opportunity, which he met with at last, to the great damage and irreparable loss of that Kingdom; which he accomplished at last with a stiletto, and two Stabs in the side, near the Church of St. Innocents, at the end of the Street of Ferronnerie, the King being in his Carosse, that was put to the stand by the stoppage of a Coach and Cart; which he perceiving, being then in a shop hard by, waiting the good hour, as he thought, came out and killed the King, and suffered for it upon a Scaffold, in the usual place of Execution; where he died with most exquisite and deserved Torments. All which was done by the Instigation of this wicked and cruel Society. They persuaded this Monster, that the King intended to make War against the Pope, and that to make War against him, was a Theomachy, or open War with the Deity; and there was found about him a Character with a Heart of Cotton hung about his Neck, which he shewed the Jesuit D' Aubinie, who confessed him and the Knife, whereon was engraven a Heart and a across; and that which was one occasion of this barbarous Fact, was, That these Persons of the Popes Party had published throughout the whole Kingdom, that whosoever should serve Henry the Fourth in these Wars, tho he was their Lawful and undoubted King, could not avoid damnation.  
The Gun-powder Plot was another Jesuitical Contrivance. The Provincial, Father Garnet, was privy to it in its very infancy, so were others of that Society, as Baldwin, Hammond, Tesmund and Gerard, who were all particularly name by the Conspirators in their Confessions. A Fact of that dreadful Consequence, had it taken effect, and so heinous in itself, that Garnet the jesuit said himself before Doctor overall and others, That he would give all the world, were it at his disposal, to clear his Conscience or Name from that hateful Treason. Yet when it did miscarry, many of that Society had a Religious Veneration for these Irreligious Wretches who were deeply engaged in it. What a Coil was there about the feigned Miracle of Garnet's Structure! and his Picture, as well as Gerard's, was to be seen at la Fleche, and other Places among the Martyrs of that Society. In the Town of Dole towards lorraine, the Jesuits have a great House given them, called L'arc, and Henry the Fourth gave them la Fleche, upon the River Loire, two stately Covents, among many other Houses for change, which they have,( see the gratitude of these Villains, to be the Death of their princely Patron) tho this latter may be called a Quiver, containing 8000 poisoned Shafts of all sizes; hereupon their Ferrier played upon them this merry Distich; 
Arcum Dola dedit, dedit his la Flecha Sagittam;  
said quis funem illis quem meruere dabit?  
La Fleche th' Arrow, Dole gave them the Bow,  
But who'll on them the deserved Rope bestow?   
Nay, his Holiness himself, Pope Clement the 8th, who first promoted this Treason by his Breves, did sufficiently testify his good Will towards them, by making the Jesuit Tesmund Penetentiary at St. 〈◇〉 in Rome, after the discovery of this H●rrid Plot.  
And th●● Divinity is of as deep a Searlet die a● their sanguinary and bloody Actions; for they give free liberty and permisson to any Person to kill another, from whom he fears any Prejudice or Damage, either in Reputation or Estate, though he is assured he will be damned; this is Molina's Opinion, who avers, 
Molina de Just. commutat. tr. 3. d. 13. n. 1. p. 762.  that this Circumstance ought not to be pleaded in Bar of the Action, to hinder him from the murder; and that there is no Law of Justice or Charity itself, which obligeth us to spare the eternal Life of the Soul any more than that of the Body.  
These are Tenets fit to be drawn out in blood, worse than those of Draco the Roman Legislator. As for their Doctrine of mental Reservation, it is very remarkable. 
Sanchez. Opin. Moral. Par. 2. l. 3. c. 6. n. 13.  Sanchez maintains, that a Man may swear he hath not done a thing which is really done by him, by understanding within himself, that he did it not on such or such a Day, or before he was born, or by making Reflections on some other Circumstances of the like nature; and so the words spoken by him shall have a different meaning, and imply nosuch thing as is said. This is of general use, and great convenience upon many emergent Occasions; and is ever justifiable when a Man's Health, Honour, or Estate, lies at stake and may be injured; 
Filintius Tract. 25. c. 11. n. 331.  Nay, Filintius, to confirm this, says the Intention regulates, and squares the the Action; and for Encouragement of those who have wicked craft enough to furnish them with particular Reservations, he allegeth, That to avoid Lying no more is required, than to say simply, they have not done that which in truth they have, provided they have a general Intention to stamp the sense upon their Discourse, which a Prudent and Discreet Person would do. And indeed these their Equivocations did insert, that Clause in the Oath of Supremacy among us here in England, Without mental Reservation.  
And this doubtless was the Reason that moved one to bestow on them that so much merited Title, calling them Concinnatores mendaces, the Polishers of lies, their Tongues being whetted and sharp'ned to that purpose.  
These are the Croaking Frogs, the Amphibious infects that live both by Land and Water, in Church and State; not a Kings Privy Council, not a Ladies Chamber, not a Lord's Closet, not a House or Cottage, nay, not so much as a Soul, but is daily haunted by these Spectres and evil Spirits; not a Gentleman or Lady can across the Seas, but his, or her name is landed before hand in the Jesuits Register. It was not without cause, that their maecenas and Patron, Philip the second, King of Spain, baptized them, Clerigos Negotiadores, Negotiating or Trafficking, Trading Clergy-Men; and that Marcus Antonius Columna, General of the Navy belonging to pus the fifth, in the famous battle of Lepanto, and Viceroy of Sicily, did tell Don Alonso,( a noted Jesuit, who endeavoured to be of the Council of his Conscience) very plainly and roundly, as well as truly, Voi altri Padri di Giesu havete la mente al Cielo● le many al Mondo, l'anima al Diavolo● You Jesuitical Fathers have your thoughts seemingly in Heaven, your hands on the Wealth and Riches of the World, and your Souls with the Devil. And this their gripping for worldly gain, and polling the rest of the Clergy( one of the three Particulars before mentioned) was the reason that a Reverend Divine did say, tho the great Pan of Rome had committed the greatest part, if not all his spotted-Sheep to the Pastoral charge of Arch-Bishops, Bishops &c.— Pan curat oves oviumque magistros; yet they yield them little or no profit, because they are sheared to their hands, especially by the Jesuits, 
Vindiciae Sacrae satire. M. S.  whom Reverardentius aptly termeth in this respect, ●quites aurei Velleris, Knights of the Golden Fleece. And for this cause a Reverend Divine says, that they want no maintenance: what by traducing our Nation abroad, and feducing our People at home, their Bones are full of marrow, and their Eyes swell with fatness; for a Country person cannot make so much of a whole years Harvest as one Jesuit can get by an hours single Confession.  
When two Jesuits presented their Petition to Duke Cezarini, and made a Complaint to him, that Father Oliva their General, had been wrought upon by the insinuating persuasions of Pope Alexander the seventh, to part with some of their Lands, for the sum of 100000 Crowns,( so covetous they were as by their good will to part with nothing that once came into their Clutches,) he gave them this witty and undeniable answer, Those men who believe the Popes Infallibility, as you do, must by no means complain against him, for if he be Infallible he can do no wrong, nor be guilty of an irregular or injurious Action.  
A Popish Writer of our Nation,( as he himself thought) not unlearned, 
Bishop Hall in his Quo Vadis, as he hath the story out of Robert Pointz in his Preface to the Testimony of the real Presence.  complaining of the Abstinence of us heretics, despairs of prevailing, because he found it to be long ago fore-prophecied of us, in the second Book of Chronicles, c. 24. At illi Protestantes audire noluerunt; it is well( saith he) that the Protestauts were yet heard of in the old Testam●●t, as well as the Jesuits, whose name one of their own found out by good hap, 
Secar. in Josua l. 1. c. 2. q. 19. & Gresser contra Lernaeum c. 1.  Numbers 26. ver. 24. like as Erasmus found friars in St. Paul's time inter falsos Fratres.  
Father Hayndius, a Jesuit of thirty three years standing, found this not to be the least of fifty two Complaints which he made against his own Society, to their General Aquaviva; that his Fellows did not blushy to blemish their Order, and slain their Honour by cogging of Miracles, and cheating the Ignorant into a belief of them. What fardles of Lies do they impose upon the Vulgar, concerning their Indian Wonders? Nay, Cardinal Bellarmine is not ashamed to appear as their vourcher, and dares maintain their Frauds and Cozenages, affirming, that his Brother Xavier had not only cured the Deaf, Lame, and Blind, but also raised the Dead,( it seems he was so intent upon his new Divinity, that he quiter forgot his old Philosophy, A privatione ad habitum non datur regressus) while his Fellow Acosta, who continued many years in those Parts, pulls him by the sleeve, and is down-right with him, whispering so loud in his Ear that all the World may hear him, 
Acosta. l. 4. c. 12. de salut. Indic.  Prodigia nulla producimus, neque vero est opus. afric is at the best but barren of Novelties, if compared to Rome; and yet the World of Protestants must be branded with Incredulity, if they will not be gulled by their pious Frauds; but let them remember, if they are at leisure, that simulata Sanctitas est duplex Iniquitas; Counterfeit Sanctity is double Iniquity, and one sin is made two, when once defended; Nay, it is more than feared, that they will not want Diabolical Delusions, and Hellish Incantations, rather than lose a proselyte; which are so gross, and frequently put in practise among them, that it hath puzzled the best Casuists to make a difference between their magic and that which is Diabolical. Hence it is that some of our weak People have been frighted out of the World upon their Death-Beds, and scared into the Religion of Roman catholics. Take this notable instance, among many other, from a famous Divine in France, second to none for Learning and Fidelity, who related it with his own mouth, and his own certain Knowledge and Experience. A Gentleman of the Religion, whose Wife was one of the Popish fry, sends for his own Pastor to discourse with him, being upon his last bed of Sickness, and ready to depart; she likewise appoints a Jesuit to be there, who appears accordingly, and both meet at the Bed'sside; both pled for their own different Religion, and persuade the Man to come over to their Party, but after two hours smart Disputation at the Bar, before these Judges, the Gentleman was very well satisfied with the Religion that he had hitherto embraced, and his Consort also, by the prevalence of the Protestants Arguments, began to incline to his Judgement. The Jesuit finding himself foiled, went away discontented, but returns a few hours after, when the storm was blown over, and the cost clear, desiring a private Conference with the Gentlewoman, which was granted; and her Garden was the Scene appointed for the ensuing Tragedy, where they took a turn or two together, and the Jesuit very earnestly expostulated with her, and used all the persuasive and inclining Arguments imaginable, to keep her from that supposed and falsely termed Defection from the Truth, viz. the change of Religion; and in the close of all his Discourse, did very much importune her to do him that signal Favour, as to accept of a little Box,( like Pandor'as, as it fell out) which he then and there presented to her, and to wear it constantly about her for his sake; which she received as innocently as courteously, little dreaming of the ensuing mischief that after befell her; for she no sooner had followed his direction, on, but she fell into so great and absolute a Detestation of her Husband, that she could never endure the sight of him afterwards; and within two days died in this miserable condition: an Act fitter for the sharp Sword of revenging Justice, than the Pen of an Historian.  
They are a People disesteemed and ill thought of in most Places wherever they get footing, for their Impieties, and and wicked Practices. They have been banished France, Hungary, Germany, Venice, nay, the Grand Turk, upon the relation of their Vileness by Queen Elizabeth's Ambassador, exiled them out of Pera, near Constantinople. They are hated by the common People in Spain, tho the Subjects of the most catholic King, as appears by this Libel. 
Los mandamientes de los Teatinos,  
Mas humanos son queen Divinos.  
The Precepts of the Jesuits Teatine,  
Are much more human than Divine.  And after the enumeration of their Decalogue or ten Commandments, as to grow Rich, feed well, &c. it concludes thus; 
Estos diez mandamièntes se encierrian en das,  
To do para mi, y nada para vos.  
These ten are comprised in two,  
All for me, and nothing for you.   
I did not promise you, as I remember, to give you an Essay of Jesuitical Piquancy, but yet if you please, take this as an Argument of their pregnant Wit, related by the deceased Author of the Holy State; who speaking of Queen Elizabeth, stiles her deservedly, the Paragon of spotless Chastity, whatever some Popish Priests( who count all Virginity hide under a Nun's veil,) have feigned to the contrary. He proceeds farther, and says, One Jesuit made this false Anagram on her, edmond Campian by name, Elizabeth, Jezabel, false both in matter and manner; for allow it the abatement of the H( as all Anagrams must Sue in Chancery for moderate favour) which proved tho no Letter, a guttural aspiration to the Composer, yet was it both unequal and ominous that T, a solid Letter, should be omitted; the Presage of the Gallows, whereon the Anagrammatist was afterwards justly executed. When Flies grow once so blind as to play with the Candle, they either charged their wings, or burn themselves, and when ill-boading Ravens dare be so haughty and proud, as to fly at the Eagle, the King of Birds, may they all have the same fate as the Brother of this Jesuitical breed before mentioned.  
Now let us anatomize and dissect the Members of this catholic, and Universal Head of the Church, and see how they stand affencted, whether they are fit for physic or Amputation.   

Of their Priests, Friars, Nuns, and Laymen.  
WE will still continue our Method, and begin with the Blasphemies, Oaths, and Execrations, of the inferior Clergy, the Monks and Friars, those Cannibals of the Crucifix.  
Italy abounds in Blasphemies more than any other Country, and therein the Clergy are far better Proficients than the Laity, or else, He swears like an Abbot, would not be Proverbial. Nor do I think as it is, that is to be matched that was belched out by a Priest at Rome, Al dispetto di quell Can che pendeva nella croce. I forbear the English of it, because 'tis so horrid an Expression; and what should move him to this think you? Nothing, as he confessed, but that his Strumpet had played him a slippery Trick; as if there were no way to be even with his Whore, but to revile his God.  
A ghostly Father Preaching at Tours in France, said, These Hugonots are so impudently wicked, as to renounce the Pope, and his Authority; but I'll be bold to tell you, that if Christ and the Pope were both here upon Earth, and the one should command me to do a Thing, and the other forbid me, I would sooner obey the Pope than Christ.  
An Italian Preacher broached this blasphemous Doctrine in the Pulpit before a great Auditory; that the Virgin Mary would have crucified our Saviour, rather than he should go without Crucifixion; strengthening his blasphemous Discourse with this strange Allegation, that it did proceed from the longing desire that his blessed Mother had to hasten the Salvation of Mankind.  
There is another story related by the same Priest, much of the same nature; That the Apostles drew up Articles of Impeachment against Christ, and presented them to his Mother, complaining that he was not as good as his word in sending the Holy Ghost upon them, and that there was a dissension between the Father and the Holy Ghost, who feared to descend from Heaven, and come into the World, lest he should have the same course Entertainment as our Saviour had from the murdering Jews.  
Another Priest, by relating the Agony that our Saviour endured at his painful and shameful Death on the across, drew Rivulets of Tears from the Eyes of his compassionate Auditory, but he dried up all their Sorrow with this point of Consolation, Weep not my Beloved, for perhaps it is not true.  
But the Devil himself with all his Hellish Assistance could never invent such Blasphemies as are found in the Book of comformities, printed at milan by Gotard Pontice, Anno 1510. As that Christ changed Water into Wine but once, St. Francis thrice, Christ felt the Pain of his Wounds but a small time, St. Francis two whole Years complete. As for Miracles, Christ did nothing comparatively to St. Francis: for he cured a 1000 Blind, and as many Lame, both Beasts and Men; cast out 1000 Daemoniacks, and raised above 1000 from the Dead. Gen. chap. 2. Let us make Man &c. That is St. Francis: so that there is not so much as one Text in the Holy Writ, from the first of Genesis to the last of the Revelation, which they have not wrested to magnify the Order of St. Francis; but I am tired with these Blasphemous Rodomontadoes, therefore I refer you to the Book itself, if you desire farther Satisfaction as to Particulars.  
Nilco Postel preaching at Paris,  told them, in the very Face of the University, that an old Beldame( whom he called his Mother Joan) should save all Women, as Christ did all Men; and as horrid as these Opinions were, he found many catholics that embraced them, all which he published in Print. This same Person was heard by several at the Rialto in Venice to affirm, that if a Man would have a perfect Religion, these three Ingredients must necessary go to its Composition, Christianism, judaisme, and Mahometism; and that upon serious consideration there would appear to be many excellent Doctrines in the Turkish Alcoran. If Treason against an earthly King is Capital, then doubtless à fortiori, Blasphemy against the King of Kings deserves Death much more. In most Places of Italy these are but inconsiderable and poor Imprecations: Te venga' l Cancaro, and at Venice, Te venga la Ghiandussa, Te vengal mal di sand Lazaro. I omit Putana di Christo, and others of the like strain, as frequent as horrible; and the French have taken some of them upon trust, as Te viene le chancre, a Murrain on thee.  
In France they have certain Curses peculiar to their Language; Ad omnes Diabolos, ad triginta mill Diabolos, used by Preachers in such barbarous Latin, taken from the French, who say, ye te donnea trent ou quarante mill charteès de Diables. Thirty or forty thousand cartload of Devils take thee. And Menot the Preacher, fol. 129. falsely fathers this Curse on St. Paul, who hearing of one that had committed Fornication, said presently, I give him over to the Devils in Hell. He saith farther, fol. 47. of one of the two Harlots, that she would swear by her Faith. They have several ways of bequeathing themselves to the Devil( as if one were not enuf, or indeed too much) Body, Soul, and Guts; that no part may escape his Clutches, they make sure of all.  
Nor are the Laity so far exempted from these Vices, but that they have a spice of them; witness one of the Kings of Spain, who having had divers ill successses, swore he would be revenged on the Deity, and therefore commanded that none of his Subjects should adore God, believe in him, or mention his name for a certain time by him limited and appointed, without incurring a great penalty, and his high displeasure.  
A certain Gamester losing at Cards, did curse and swear most desperately for his loss, and commanded his Servant to assist him in Curses, Oaths, and Execrations, till his fortune should alter and he have better luck.  
A Secular person, as he was playing at Cards in the French Ambassadors House at Venice, belched forth this Oath; Venga'l cancaro al Lupo. Why? What hurt in all this? ay but his villainy was manifested afterwards, because he spake it by the Figure called Aposcopesis or Reticentia; instead of Venga'l cancaro al Lupo, che non mangiava Christo quando era Agnello, calling Christ Agnello, in allusion to that of St. John; Ecce Agnus Dei qui tollit, &c. As also the Blasphemy of the Italian, who frequently said, A Bots on the Ass that carried Christ to Jerusalem.  
The Italian Lord who had his Passport to the other World by a Pistol-shot, being desired to commend his Soul to God, begged of them to recommend him to the King, and withal to acquaint him, that he had lost a very good Servant, saying; that he had often made it his business to believe in God, but could not; and withal was so Blasphemous as to add farther, that God dealt very unjustly with Man in condemning him for a piece of an Apple; and that all he had learned by the New Testament was, that Joseph was a very idle Fellow, for not being jealous of his Wife; he being well strike in Years, and she so youthful.  
Nor must I omit that hellish Court-Curse, which is as common as Flies in armoniac, I would I might F— with such a Lady, or Gentlewoman upon pain of Damnation.   

Of the Lechery, Whoredom, and Sodomy of the Clergy and laity.  
ITaly above all places abounds in these Vices, insomuch that it is a common saying; 

Jamais ni cheval ni home  
N'amenda, d'albera Rome.   

Nor Horse or Man e're return'd home  
The better by the sight of Rome.    
And Mr. Ascham, in his Preface to his Schoolmaster, did return thanks to God that he was but nine days in Italy, during which time he saw in one City of Venice more liberty to sin, than in London he ever heard of in as many Years.  
John Haywood, our old Epigrammatist,  told Queen Mary very boldly, that her Clergy was very saucy, and if they had not Wives, they would have their Lemans.  
Richard the First being rounded in the Ear that he 
Daniel's Hist. Rich. 1. in fine.  had three wicked Daughters, Pride, Covetousness and Lechery, answered very briskly, Well be it so, if I have, I cannot better match them than with the rollers, Fathers and Friars. If a Priest be at any time found wantonly kissing a Woman, the usual excuse is, it was but to imprint a Blessing upon her Lips.  
It was once seriously debated, which was the best way to furnish Henry the Second with money. His Jester, seeing his Master at a great Loss, proposed this rational way, viz. that he should command all the Monks Beds to be sold, and the money to be brought in to him. To which the King replied, where must the Monks then lie? O, said the Jester, with the Nuns; Alas! said the King, thou art mistaken; there are not near so many Nuns as Monks. And please your Majesty, said he, every Nun can lodge half a dozen Monks at the least, for her own share.  
'tis a known Story of the two Franciscans who( because they are a Crew of beggarly Fellows, 
The Queen of Navarr's Relations.  never carry any money about them) passed over a Ferry, and not being able to pay their Passage, would have ravished the Ferry Woman in part of Satisfaction, till they were enabled to Pay her her fare; a cunning new way to pay old Debts.  
Old Bromiar tells you, that a Ghost appeared to a Popish Priest, and said, there came daily so many Priests to Hell, as he thought verily there had been no more upon Earth.  
Poggius the valentine reports, that Ausimerius, an Eremite of Padua, who lived in the reign of Francis the 7th, Duke of that City, had the reputation of a Pious and godly Man, till he was detected for corrupting and defiling many Women of Noble Extract, especially under the specious and Religious colour of sacred Confession; hereupon he was brought to Trial before the Duke, who ordered his Secretary to take a Catalogue of the names of the married Women that he had gallanted; and after a tedious enumeration of many Persons of quality that frequented the Duke's Palace, the Secretary still pressed him to a farther Confession, whereat the poor Soul fetching a deep, but counterfeit Sigh, said, Why then Sir, since you are so urgent, pray set down your own Wife in the number, which sudden and unexpected Answer, did so surprise the Secretary with Astonishment, that the Pen fell out of his hand, and the Duke at the rehearsal of the Story was almost resolved into Laughter: These tricks are so frequent among them, that 'tis commonly said as a Proverb; An Augustine Friar in the Stews.  
In a Village near Coignac, 
This is in the Queen of Navarr's Relations.  called Cherves, a reputed Maid, Sister to the Curate of the Parish, who, because she was accounted a holy Virgin, spread a Rumour abroad among the credulous People, that she was a second Virgin Mary, and was impregnated by the holy Ghost:( O execrable Blasphemy!) But Charles Earl of Angoulesme, and Father to King Francis the First, hearing of it, did imagine there was some packing and gross villainy in the Business, and took order for a more strict examination of this Wench, who was about 13 years of Age: The Court where she was summoned to appear to make her defence, did adjure her, as well as her Brother, to reveal the Truth, upon her Salvation, and being sworn, she used this form of Affidavit; I take the Body of our Lord here present, upon my Salvation, before you my Masters, and you my Brother, that never Man had any Carnal knowledge of me more than you; and so received the Eucharist. Having taken this Oath, as you have heard, they related the particulars of her Process to the Earl, who hearing it, thought on what they never dreamed of, that she had great reason to use that form of words, That never man touched her more than her Brother, and took it for granted, that he had raised her Belly; whereupon he commanded them to return and imprison the Curate, who upon his Commitment confessed the Fact; his Sister in few days lost her Tympany, and was delivered of a Child, and both of them were condemned to be Burnt, which Sentence was accordingly executed; and 'twas favourable enough too, considering the horrid Blasphemy and Perjury of the Criminals.  
A certain Curate, not far from Vienna in dauphin, being taken in the Act with a notorious Strumpet( who had often prostituted her self to his dissolute Embraces) behind the High Altar; and that on good Friday too, an aggravating Circumstance; the worthy Bishop of that diocese, was to inflict a Punishment on him for this heinous Crime, and it was a merry one indeed, viz. to sing Mass for a certain time; but the compassionate Legate of Avignon, thought the Priest was too severely dealt with, and discharged him from that rigid Sentence, which encouraged the holy Man to play his tricks more frequently with the same Harlot, and in the same Place, than formerly; thus to advance their sensual Delight, these Clergy-men make Religion and Holiness, a Bawd to their own lascivious Wickedness. Methinks they should be more wary to observe the old Rule; Si non casté tamen cautè; and not affront the Meridian Sun with their Noon days Impieties; and this was the cause of that sporting reason that one gave why ghostly Fathers are called Beaux peers, because, said he, they get Children at the High Altar.  
Thomas of Abington, a lascivious Friar, could not be satisfied with the Use of three Concubines, but he must be incestuous,( as if single Fornication were a small matter) for he had two Children by his own Sister; nay, some Friars and Monks have maintained twenty Whores at one time: a fine Crew indeed, able to fill a pretty Seraglio.  
Berenger, an Italian marquis, entertained a Chaplain in his House, as Persons of his Quality usually do, to perform the Duties of the Family, as to their Devotion, for which he had a competency becoming one of his Coat, and to gratify his Lord, lay with his Lady; and tho he was but a more Dandiprat, as deformed in Body, as in mind, yet she notwithstanding the Nobility of her Race, run the risco of so ignoble an Action; but he had his merited Compensation at last, which spoiled his sport for the Future, for being discovered by the barking of an unlucky House Dog, he was taken, stripped stark naked, and had his impetuous Nerve amputated for the Offence. This happened in the time of Pope Steven the Eighth, about the year 941.  
A Butcher of Strasbourg in Germany, by a strange accident lost his Wife, and not hearing the least syllable of her in a long time concluded she was Dead, and so she was to him in truth, tho not to the Franciscans, who kept her at Bed and Board; an Order so much extolled for their Sanctimony and Piety; but he found that there was a Franiscan Novice, who came daily to the Shambles accompanied with a ghostly Father, which the Butcher thought did so resemble his Wife, that he would often say, were he not persuaded that his Wife was dead, he should swear it were she. In fine, she proved to be what he thought her, his Wife indeed, which being discovered, and made known to the Civil Magistrate, not only the Franciscans, but the other Monks and all the wicked rabble of lascivious Priests were deservedly expelled the City.  
A Franciscan lodging in a Gentleman's House of Perigort, 
The Queen of Navarr's Relation  who was his Confessor, and very intimate with him, being privy to all his Secrets, by that Religious Cheat of auricular Confession, whereby he came to understand the Gentleman had a design to bed his Wife that Night, who had lain in but three weeks before; which the Confessor persuaded him to, only for his own wanton ends: for when Night approached, the Friar anticipated him, went to Bed to his Wife, and enjoyed her, who departed immediately after he had satisfied his Lust, as mute as a Fish, not so much as opening his lips, and went out of the Door, which the Porter took notice of; Presently after in comes her Husband at the time appointed, who thinking it was he that accompanied her before, could not forbear discovering it; whereupon he suspected the Friar had played him that slippery trick, and finding him out of his Chamber, and the Porter confirming his departure, he was satsfied 'twas he, went back to his Wife and acquainted her with the circumstances of the Story: and so left her, to pursue the Franciscan; but his Wife being alone, and extremely perplexed, to rid her self of that trouble that was upon Spirit, hanged her self; but whilst she was struggling with the pangs of Death, killed a little Infant that was by her with a Blow of her Foot, which cried out so vehemently before Death, that a Woman who lay in the Chamber was awakened with the noise: and seeing these miserable Spectacles, went and acquainted her Mistrisse's Brother therewith, who asked her what Villain committed that butcherly Fact? she not being able to satisfy him with the Author of it, only said, she knew of no body that was there but her Master. He seeks for him, but finds him not, which did very much confirm him in the opinion, that he was guilty of the murder. He follows him, over takes him, assaults him with a whole Volley of villainous Names, draws upon him so suddenly, that his Brother in Law had no time to ask him his Reason; so they fought desperately, and so long, that at last being tired out, they desisted by consent, and then making inquiry into the cause of this furious and unexpected Rencontre, he understood the Franciscan occasioned all this Mischief; his Brother that pursued him, craved his Pardon for fighting and wounding him, and mounting him on his Horse, conducted him to his own Apartment, where he died the next Morning, freely forgiving his Brother in Law, and acknowledging to his Relations, that he was the sole cause of his own Death; but his Brother, to satisfy the Law, sued out his Pardon, which was granted him by King Francis the First. See the pregnant mischiefs, and complicated Crimes that did accompany the Furtiva Gaudia, the stolen sweets, or adulterous action of a Religious Franciscan. If this be their Religion and Piety, what must their Irreligion and Impiety be, and what dangerous effects must attend it?  
It is storied of a Priest, that a catholic coming to holy Shrift, shook his head at the thought of his Crimes which he was to Confess, but the Priest finding him somewhat disturbed, persuaded him to a free Declaration of his Sins in order to his Absolution; at last he  told him, with much ado, that he had deflowered a Virgin. Pish, said the Priest, If that be all; Innocentum docuisti, Thou hast instructed an innocent Person. Oh! but Sir, said he, I have committed a greater Crime. What's that? Why, I have bedded my Neighbour's Wife. Well then, said the Priest, Proximam adjuvasti; Thou hast helped thy Neighbour. Alas, Sir, said he, I have done worse than all this; I have had carnal knowledge of a Nun. At which the Confessor's zeal was so great, that he could not forbear cursing instead of absolving him, Abi apud inferos furcifer, hoc est pro nobis. Go and be damned, you Hang-dog, how durst you take the Trade out of our hands, that's our proper work, and no Lay-man's business.  
That unnatural sin, which was burnt by fire and brimstone from Heaven, the ashes whereof were drowned in the dead Sea: hath made a shift to revive among Romanists, and cries as loud for Vengeance as ever; and of all Places Italy abounds most with frequent Examples of Incest and Sodomy. It is a common Proverb there among them; 

Siena di quatro cose se vanta,  
Di Torre& di Campane,  
Di Bardasse& di Putane.   

For these four things Siena far excels  
All Places; Towers, Whores, Sodomy and Bells.    
In Venice, saith Mr Howel, all Amorous things are done by Proxy; while the Husband is abroad in the Gallies, there be others that shoot the gulf at home.  
At Rome, that Holy City, Pictures are Printed to provoke Lust, and to teach men obscenity by ocular demonstration; a thing which the very Heathens detested in Philaenis and Elephantis; and Propertius the elegiac Poet inveighs against such filthy Draughts. 

Non istis olim variabant Tecta figuris,  
Cum paries nullo crimine pictus erat.   

Such Pictures ne'er adorned in former times  
Houses, when Walls were painted with no crimes.    
Pietro Aloisio, Son to Pope Paul the third, was a Prince of Sodomy, he dealt with a great number of all Persons, of what Sex or degree soever, and at last courted a young man, Casmus Cherius, then Bishop of Fano; and because he found he was not to be brought to his ends, but by violence, he caused his Servant to hold him, whilst he used him as his Ingle.  
This sort of bestiality, Sodomy and Buggery, is frequent among the Italians, both Clergy and laity; for 'tis well known to any smattering Sciolist in History, what beastly work the Italian Souldiers made with the Goats, when they beleaguered Lions, during the Civil Wars; now which were the greatest Brutes of the two, I leave it to all sober Men to judge. And this puts me in mind of a facetious, but filthy story, of a hot neapolitan, in whose Country Absolutions are as cheap as Whores. There was a Calabrian who had buggered a Goat, he confessed the fact to his ghostly Father, and bought an Absolution for it: a Friend of his hearing of it, said to him, prithee what might it cost thee, for it was a heinous Crime? he answered, but four Pistolets, upon my word: and added, that for the other odd one I think verily I might have had a Dispensation to mary the Brute. This verifies the old saying; 

Dulcis odour lucri ex re qualebet—   

The scent of Gain is sweet  
From Sins tho never so great.    
It is recorded in Pontanus, that sigismond Malatesta, Lord of Romagniola, got a Child by his own Daughter, nay, that he designed to make a Pathick of his own Son Robert; but that he, in detestation of his Fathers wickedness, drew his Sword in his own defence, and so escaped the fury of his unnatural Lust: But this is barbarous, and beyond a Parallel, which he acted on a virtuous German Lady, traveling to Rome through his Territories who seeing that his Courtship and Caresses could no ways move her to condescend to his lustful desires, he first cut her throat, and then like a barbarous Lecher, made use of her dead body. The same Pontanus allegeth, That there is to be found among Beasts themselves a certain natural honesty, to reprove and convince men of such gross crimes: speaking of a Bitch that would not suffer her own Whelp to lime her, but would fly at those that endeavoured to procure it; and of a mere that would not let her own Colt cover her; but having at last leaped her, disguised in another coloured Skin, and other tricks and devices used to that purpose; when she perceived the Cheat, forsook her Mate, and died for grief soon after. The very Brutes may inform men of their Bestiality, and shane them out of such immoral and criminal Principles and practices.  
As for the Gluttony and Drunkenness of the Clergy, among many Instances take these few; It is grown Proverbial, Bishops fare, Prelates fare, Theological Wine, for the best, and Chapter bread for the finest. He fares like a Churchman, he swears like an Abbot, as fat as a Friar, as frolic as a Friar, and the like; and the truest of all, as fat as a Hog; For as one says wittily, Friars in puris naturalibus differ very little from Swine. nay, their good St. Anthony was but a swineherd ab initio, and their reverend Patron. And they are known to be such belly Gods, that 'tis a Proverbial saying, A Carmelite in the Kitchen.  
The boon Companions among the Clergy are so prodigiously profane, that they must wrest the Scripture for Expressions to countenance their Intemperance. They will jest with the two edged sword of God's Word. Nothing will please them but to wash their hands in the Font, 
Fuller's Holy State.  and so drink healths in the Church Chalice, every Glass that they take off must be hallowed by this Prayer, Cor mundum crea in me Deus,& Spiritum rectum innova in visceribus meis; and when they would signify that the Wine is generous and good, Hic est tenete eum; and when 'tis all out, the Monks express themselves in this Allegory, Data nobis de oleo vestro, quia Lampades nostrae extinguuntur. The Abbot of Chartees being asked how he came to bear drink so well, and quaff so deeply? answered out of the Psalmist, Patris nostri annunciaverunt nobis; And good Fellows use to Droll with these words, Si quis Episcopatum desiderat bonum, opus desiderat. Nay, they spare not their own Mass, for when a Malefactor is executed, they say, sursum corda; when a Man takes the Cup to drink, quia pus est. And some proceed farther, who are so bold as to belch forth these or the like sayings, Let God keep Heaven to himself, and let us alone to enjoy our sensual pleasures upon Earth, like the French Clergy-man that would not part with his bnfice in Paris for his share in paradise.  
In the Civil Wars of France, the Romanists, to vex and disturb the poor Protestants, who began their Prayers with Nostre aid soit au nom de Dieu. Our help standeth in the name of the Lord, who made Heaven and Earth; being an Expression out of the Psalmist; they, I say, would begin their Game at Dice with the same Invocation, as if a Jest were not worth a Pin, if not seasoned with the Salt of the Sanctuary. Nay, there is not a Priest among them, but can give you three pregnat Arguments for their drinking the best unsophisticated Wine.  
First, because it prevents and disperseth those Crudities of the Stomach, which might otherwise by a Rebellious Insurrection fly up into the head, and so make them snivel and drivel when they areat their solemn and Religious Services.  
Secondly, Because Devotion in the opinion of these Religious Galenists, is more operative and fervent in a hot, then a could Stomach.  
Thirdly, because they are to chant and sing Mass: Now 'tis the opinion of all Musicians, that a Man cannot sing worth a Button, till he has cleared his throat with a plentiful dose of good liquour. But it may be the Bigot-Protestant will throw this rub in their way, that they are in danger of being Drunk; why, alas poor Ignaro! what if they be intoxicated, that signifies nothing, because they do it with a good Intention, for if it be allowable, and no ways hurtful to say, Hoc est Nasum meum instead of Corpus meum, so it be done cum intentione consecrandi, or to cast a Child into a Well, though it be drowned, cum intentione Baptizandi, as some Glosses maintain; what then if a Priest take off his cups so freely, as to be fuddled, 'tis not amiss, so long as it is done cum intentione missificandi; and he is not obliged, maugre all the Laws of good-Fellowship, to Pay his Groat the next Morning, or to confess and Pay but his two-Pence: for the Priests are exempted from such pitiful Lay-penalties.   

Of the Cruelties, murders and Massacres committed by the Priests, Friars, and Laity of the catholic Religion.  
THere was a French Priest at Orleans, who maintained a Whore, but grew jealous of her for false play with others, which the Religious man looked upon as so heinous an affront to a person of his Coat and Order, that nothing could sufficiently expiate the Offence but death. The Priest invites her to the Tavern with accustomend kindness and familiarity, where being entred, he takes her aside, as if he intended to play the wanton with her, throws her upon a Bed, and cuts her throat with a Razor, which he carried in his sleeve to that purpose, for which double crime he was only condemned to Imprisonment during life; a rigorous Punishment for those two priestly virtues of Whoredom and Murder.  
A Jacobine Friar of the holy House of Spain, John de rouen by name, was a cruel Persecutor of the poor unarmed and unresisting Christians in Merindol and Cabriere; nay, his cruelty extended so far, that he put his wicked fancy upon the rack for new torments to torture these poor Protestants, and among the rest, this was none of the least; he used to fill Boots with boiling oil or grease, and to force them on the legs of those that were to undergo his Examination, to the end, that the violence and insufferable extremity of the pain might so distracted them, that they should not be able to give any other than disjointed and impertinent answers to all Questions proposed.  
Bernard, ● Jacobine Friar, being one of the Faction of the Guelphs, poisoned Henry the 7th, with the flesh of our Saviour in the holy Eucharist, of which we have given you a hint in another place before.  
Nor are the Romish Laity altogether guiltless of these kind of Cruelties, tho the two neat Examples, relish more of witty severity than of palpable Cruelty.  
The Curate of Onzain, near Amboise in France, he had an extraordinary kindness for his much beloved Hostess; but she, like a crafty Quean, to prevent the jealousy of her Husband, set him upon an Imposture which put a Period to his Venerial sport for ever, namely, to pretend that he had a real design to be gelded, and that she would provide an able Artist, and very expert at the Trade of Castration to do it, Monsieur Pierre des Serpens. The Priest, who thought no pretence grievous, that might conduce to his lascivious ends; desires to speak with his kindred, who accordingly came to know his Pleasure; they no sooner appeared, but he acquainted them with his firm and settled resolution of making himself an Eunuch, in order to the happy State of a future Being, and to prevent all illicit Insurrections hereafter; and thereupon in the presence of them all, made and published his solemn last Will and Testament; and withal, the better to confirm the matter, did freely forgive Mr. Peter, if he should die under his hands, tho he had privately contracted with him before to give him five French Crowns as a Reward, that he should only make a show of doing that which was thought he really intended; so the Patient was fast bound, and handled as one that was to be cut indeed. But the Host receiving Intelligence of the slippery Trick, he designed to Put upon him, paid him in his own Coin, and gave him as good as he brought, for he covenanted with him for twice as much, to do the business effectually, and he would bear him harmless; so my nimble Shaver, for lucre of the Reward went dexterously to work and eastrated him indeed, telling him withal, when he had effected it to purpose, that he did not use to make a Fool of himself, nor a mock of his Occupation. Thus the poor Priest, contrary to his expectation, was dismembered by this unlucky Fellow, and I think it was a sufficient Caution to avoid jesting with edged Tools for the future.  
A Savoyard, Monsieur d' Avanchi, one that had no great kindness for Priests and Nuns, and therefore took great delight in disobliging of them, knowing the Wickedness of their Inclinations, and the viciousness of their Actions, made two Franciscans first very merry, and at last very mad; for having invited them to his Castle and treated them very nobly, to complete their good Entertainment, proffered them the use of his Miss, which, like a couple of dissembling Varlets, they at first refused very nicely; but he desired them to embrace his kind proffer, and assured them of their Welcome, and  told them, that this was but a modest Repulse, for he knew they were Flesh and Blood as well as other men, and stood in need of such Refrigerations. In conclusion, he locked them up in a Chamber together; and they were not such Fools as to lose so fair an Opportunity, but to work they went; and when he upon his Return found they had not been idle, O wicked Hypocrites, said he, Is this the way to overcome Temptations? I'll teach you better things. Immediately he caused them to be strip'd stark naked, and there he and his Man belaboured them as long as they could stand over them; and after they were severely lashed, sent them away with never a Rag to cover their shane, to teach them never to encounter Temptations at all, or to fight more courageously against them. Thus did this Ajax Flagellifer lash them severely, to prevent the whipping of themselves, which they sometimes do, but I believe more favourably.  
Pontanus. Nicholas Fortibrachius, an Italian Captain, went always attended with a Mute laden with Halters; and when the Fit came on him, he would make a Sign to the dumb Man, who upon this Signal soon dispatched the next Person that came in his way upon the next three that was at hand.  
A Virtuous Lady, whose Husband was imprisoned by the Provost la Vouste, made her Addresses to him on behalf of her Husband, the Criminal: and after she had earnestly supplicated him, he  told her in plain terms, there could be nothing done under the rate of a Nights Lodging with her, and then he would grant her Request. The distressed Lady being in this great straight and anxious Condition, was at a very strange loss: but after a serious Debate with her self, resolved to purchase her Husbands Life with the loss of her Honour; but withall, first acquainted him with her Intention, to which he soon condescended; and so his Lordship had his Desire: but like a sordid Wretch, after he had defiled the Gentlewoman, the very next Morning hanged up her Husband, and then said, I promised you you should have your Husband, and I scorn to be worse than my Word; here take him dead.  
In the Reign of Maximilian the Emperour, there was a famous Covent of Franciscans in Flanders, within his Dominions, near which there dwelled a Gentleman, who was a great Favourer of that Order, among whom there was a lusty proper Brother of the Society, who was the Gentleman's Confessor, and gave him full Power over his whole Family; Now having this Liberty, he came in and out when he pleased, insomuch that at last he was inflamed with his Wife's Beauty; and one day above all the rest, he visited her, and enquired where her Husband was: she  told him he was gone abroad to survey some Lands that belonged to him, and would be absent two or three days. The Franciscan walks about very disconsolately; which the Gentlewoman perceiving, sent her Maid to him to know if he wanted any thing; she came to him in the Court and asked him if he had occasion for any thing that the House could afford? and he said, yes: and leading her into a bye Corner, took a Dagger out of his Sleeve and thrust it into her Throat. In the interim, one of the Gentleman's Tenants came into the Court to bring his Landlord's Rent; who spying the Franciscan, he embraced him very courteously: but the wicked friar, to requited his Kindness, stabbed him, and then locked up the Castle Gate. The Gentlewoman wondering that her Maid stayed so long, sent another to know the reason of it, and he served her as he did the former. Then he went to the Gentlewoman, there being none but they two in the House, and  told her plainly, he had been in love with her a long time, and was resolved now to fulfil his desire, entreating her to come down, which she did, and there saw her Maids and Tenant dead; telling her that he intended to have his pleasure on her, more than once, and therefore would not ravish her; but pulled off his Habit, under which he had a shorter, which he proffered her, and said, if she would not accept of it, he would deal by her as he had done by the rest: She protracted the time as long as she could, in hopes of some assistance; and when she had undressed her head, her hair being loose about her Ears, he cut it off, and made her strip to her Smock, and so clothed her with his short Habit, and put on his long rob again, so they both departed; but it fortuned, that her Husband had dispatched his business, and was upon his return the same way that they went: The Friar spying him, said to her, look yonder is your Husband, go before, and if you give him the least sign I will cut your throat; the Gentleman approaching, asked the Friar whence he came, he said from his own House, where I left my mistress your Wife in health, expecting you, and so he past on, but his Man called to her, thinking it had been Friar John, the Franciscan's old Companion; But she durst not give him a word, only a wink with a weeping Eye; the Fellow rides after his Master, and  told him that Novice did resemble his mistress: Go, said he, thou talkest like a Fool; but the Servant was so dissatisfied, that he went back, his Master staying to know the issue; he calls out aloud, Friar John; whereat the Franciscan fearing a Discovery, turned back upon him, and with a long quarter-staff knocked him off his Horse, and when he was down, fell upon him and cut his throat, the Master seeing his Man fall, made up to them, which the Friar perceiving, beat him down, and fell upon him, but the Gentleman being very strong, grasped him in his arms that he could do him no hurt, and the Dagger in the Scuffle fell out of his hand, which his Wife took up, and gave her Husband, she holding him down by the cowl, whilst her Husband stabbed him in several places, insomuch that he confessed the villainy, and begged his Pardon; The Gentleman being unwilling to kill him, sent his Wife home for some of his Servants, who came thither immediately, so they took up the Franciscan, carried him to the Gentleman's, and from thence to the Emperours Deputy in Flanders, to whom he confessed the whole matter, and upon his Examination it was found, that abundance of beautiful Gentlewomen had been so served. In short, the Women so detained were all fetched out of the Monastery, and the Friars and their Covent were burned together.   

Of the Necromancy, Sorcery, and Conjurations of Priests and Friars.  
FRiar Lewis, about 100 years ago, made an absolute Paction with the Devil, who appeared to him at Marseilles in the shape of a Goat, and promised him( I wonder the Friar had no more Wit than to believe him, since he was a liar from the beginning) the uninterrupted enjoyment of any Woman whatsoever, tho never so great a Beauty; or of any other Pleasures for the term of 41 years complete, but the Devil was too cunning an Arithmetician for him, placing the unite before the tens, which amounted but to 14 years,( and this very Contract is to be seen to this day, with the Devil's Claw to it,) when the time was expired, the Friar was detected of Witchcraft and burnt; all the Children he had christened during that double apprenticeship of twice seven years, being rebaptized; and the Women he had abused were confined to a Nunnery by themselves.  
There was a cetain Priest of Savoy, who was Curate of the Village feeling, near Bonne, to whom his Parishioners resorted in great flocks, to beg of him that he would alloy a violent Tempest that then raged among them; for he had often made his brags he could do it, and that they need not fear either Thunder, Lightning, or any Tempest, so long as he continued among them. Well, to work my Conjurer goes, and mumbles over a great many Conjurations, which he had by rote, being only a Medley of horrible, terrible, hard words, as dreadful to the People as the Tempest itself,( he being sheltered all this while under a thick well-spread three, and held by four or five for fear of being blown away) but finding himself at a loss in his Art, to mend the matter, pulled out his breaden God, and saluted it in this irreverend manner, according to the harsh Dialect of his Country; Cour di, se te ne ple for queen le Diablou, &c. By God's heart, if thou be not stronger than the Devil, I'll throw thee into the dirt. And this did the business effectually. avaunt therefore all Agrippa's, and Merlins; let not Spanheim boast any more of her grand Wizard-Abbot, since Savoy hath clearly out-done her with a little Conjuring Curate.  
In Savoy Anno 1358, several Priests were burnt for Incantations, and Sorcery, and one of them a notorious Gentleman in the Black-Art, was executed at roll, a Town four miles distant from Lausana, who had been a Wizard or Sorcerer, as appeared by his own Confession, for four and twenty Years, and yet all this time sung Mass, and performed the office of a Priest, as religiously as the best Mass-monger of them all; and that he might not suffer uncomfortably, and die alone, his Whore was burnt with him for company; and 'twas but just, that she who had been a long time Copartner with him in Pleasure, should at last be partaker with him in Pain; and it seems she employed her Talent so well, that she grew mistress of the Trade too, and was so expert in it, that she was found Guilty, and condemned as a Sorceress. Thus these two Hellish, but loving Mates to the very last embraced one another in the hot Flames, a just reward or guerdon of their fiery Lust, and Hellish practices of this nature for many years together, formerly by them put in Execution, for which they were both in the end( as you have heard) executed.   

Of the gross Ignorance of the Priests and Friars, their falve Impositions upon the Laity.  
THere is a known story of Monsieur Prat, the Chancellor of Paris, a Reverendissimo, and grave Clergy-man in the time of Francis the First, who had a Present sent him by Henry the Eighth, King of England, with a Letter wherein there was this Expression, Mitto tibi 12 Molossos, I sand you twelve mastiffs; but the profoundly learned Chancellor, mistook the meaning for a dozen of Mules, and being over confident of this Exposition, he went to the King, accompanied with an eminent Noble-man at Court, to entreat his Master to bestow on him that Present, which the King of England had sent him; but King Francis having heard nothing of it, commanded them to produce the Letter, that he might peruse it; and the rather, because that Mules in England are as rarely seen as Coaches in Venice: But when his Majesty found out the gross mistake, the Chancellor was the sole object of their excessive Laughter; who, like a State-Tinker, to mend the matter, did excuse himself with this kind of evasion, That he misunderstood Molossos for Muletos, like an Ass as he was, which latter misinterpretation rendered his Lordship far more Ridiculous than the former.  
We red of an aged Priest, 
R. Pacaeus de fructu Doctrinae.  who lived in the Reign of our Henry the 8th, who was so sordidly ignorant and stupid, that he always red in his Portesse Mumpsimus Domine, for Sumpsimus Domine, and being  told of his error by a Friend that heard it, who was a weather of him, and would needs have made him change his note, yet the cuckoo would not, for this very reason, because he had used Mumpsimus these 30 Years,( the more Block-head He) and therefore he would not leave his old Mumpsimus, for their new fangled Sumpsimus; No not he, it was fitter for a young Novice of his Order, to follow the new Modes of refined modern Speech, and not for a Man of his Years and Gravity. Nay, the Priests in general, when they had very shrewdly cracked Priscian's Crown, and were taken in the fact, would only use that common Defence out of St. Gregory, tho never intended for their purpose, Non debent verba coelestis Oraculi subesse verbis Donati; The words of the Sacred Writ, ought not to be subject to the Rules of the Grammarian Donatus. But this was very hard usage from them to break the poor old-Man's head, and neither beg his Pardon, nor give him a plaster.  
Nay farther, these learned Men, whose Duty it is to instruct the Ignorant, and undeceive the seduced, are so far from informing their Sheep, that they, the very Pastors, want Instruction themselves, for if in their Lectures, which are but few, and seldom performed, they chance unhappily to stumble at a Greek Phrase, they tumble over it with a non legitur, Graecum est; or else pass it over with a Transeat, Graecum est. Away with it, 'tis Greek. We have nothing to do with it, it does not at all belong to us. And to show the acuteness of their Wit in their Derivations, and Skill in the Etimological Art, they derive Presbyter, from Praebens iter, as the Conductor or Pilot of Souls; but their Allusion is far more true, when they say, 
This Etimological Art is practised by Hugo Carrensis, and several of their Praedicants.  quasi prae aliis bibens ter, and 'tis very favourable too, for they generally are so rude as to drink all, and leave none for the Company; Nay, the Devil himself cannot escape their biting Wit, for they derive Diabolus from dia, dvo,& bolus, morcellus, quast faciens dvo bolos de corpore et anima, as making two morcels or choice bits of a Man, one of his Soul, and another of his Body; and herein they give the Devil his due, and make him a devouring Abaddon or Apollion.  
A certain Sir John, 
Stevens Apology.  who deserved to be recorded as much as canonised for his Sanctity, when he came to the story of the Woman in the Gospel who lost a Groat, and swept her House in hopes to find it; He himself soon lost it in the rubbish; for he red, Evertit domum, instead of, everrit domum; and whereas in the Acts it is said, demisimus per sportam, they writ it, per portam; and in honour of this Translation, this Quatrain was made by a French Poet; 

Par ici passa devant hier  
Un tresnotable Charpentier,  
Qui besogna de tell sort,  
queen d'un Panier fit une port.   

Here passed by the other day  
A notable Carpenter this way,  
He was no bungler at his Trade,  
Who of a Basket a Door made.    
A French Curate, being angry with his Parishioners, because the Pavement of the Church was so much out of Repair, to prove it a Duty incumbent upon them to see that rectified, pleaded the 17th of Jerem. in his own Justification, and for their Confutation; out of these words, Paveant illi& non paveam ego; let them pave the Church if they will, I have nothing to do with it, 'tis their business and not mine, so let them look after it, for my part I'll be no ways concerned, even as they Brew, so let them Bake, and there's an end of the Story.  
An ignorant Priest in Paris, finding in his almanac, Sol in Cancer, in read Letters, mistook it for some Saint, and took a great deal of pains to find out a Mass suitable to that Holy day; turning his Mass book over and over, and finding it to no purpose, was in so mad a Mood, that he closed his matins with this strange and barbarous Conclusion, Sol in Cancro, Sol in Cancrus, nec est Virgo, nec martyrus, venite adoremus. Now I'll be bold to say, there's never a Satchel-boy that has had Protestant Education, but would scorn to throw out such false and incongruous Latin.  
We will conclude this witty discourse with a facetious, though old rhythming Epitaph, made upon a Father in times of Yore; 
Et mourut quatre cents& neuf,  
Tout plain de virtue comme un oeuf.  
He died ith' year four hund'red and nine complete,  
As full of Grace as an Egg's full of Meat.    

Of the Abbess, Nuns, and Religious Women.  
NUN is a word derived from the Egyptian Nonna, of the same signification, and truly their Confinement would be no less than an Egyptian Bondage, but that their Pharaoh is somewhat indulgent to that Sex, and both their Taskmasters and Task very easy and delightful. They have several other denominations, as Religiosas, Devota's, Votresses, &c. and all originally derived from fine words, Religion, Devotion, Vows of Virginity, and Chastity, and the like; but whether these are broken or kept, judge you by the sequel.  
They have adopted one name to themselves, that discovers their Life and Conversation against their wills, and that is, Recluses, which in its native and genuine Signification, speaks no more than to be set open, or left at their own liberty and disposal; tho the Learned Patrons of that barbarous Age, wherein it was first started, mistook the meaning for those that are closely shut up, and enclosed within the round of a Religious Cloister.  
Joan Queen of Sweden, was the first Authress of those Epicoene Monasteries, as one fitly calls them, wherein Men and Women did cohabit and live together( very religiously and chastened no doubt of it) under one Roof; And here, forty to one else, the dull huguenot will ask, why Nuns should be lodged near the Friars? Silly soul, God-wot, there's a question with all my heart; when every ingenious Romanist will soon choke him with this answer, The reason is this, because the Barn ought to be near the Threshers.  
Now if you scruple the truth of this Saying; Boccace will furnish you with a Precedent to confirm it, and one that is very pertinent, and to the purpose. For he tells you of an Abbess in Lombardie, that rose in great hast from a jolly Minorite, who upon pretence of shriving her, took an occasion to lie with her, and bedded her all that night, saw one of her Nuns at the same sport with her Paramour; but the Reverend Governess making more hast then good speed, instead of her Veil clapped on the Friars Breeches, the points of them hanging down on each side, as ill luck would have it, and came to her chamber big with reproof, resolving to nettle her for her Lasciviousness,( see how old 'vice corrects youthful Sin) when she her self was piping hot with the same wanton Conflict; but the poor Nun, being about to receive her Benedicite, by chance spied her Head gear, that priestly ornament, and said, Madam, I beseech you first tie your Coife, before you proceed any farther, and then I am content to receive patiently your sharpest Reprehension; but the abbess finding her gross mistake, soon changed her mind, and went sneaking away, without bidding her farewell, which shew'd very little breeding; but had her education been never so good, this unlucky Accident was enough to spoil it, that's the very truth of it. Surely my Paper would be of a more ruddy complexion than naturally it is, for bearing the Contents of this Story, but that I find the Italian Proverb is like the Pope, infallible; which says, that Paper cannot blushy. This Story puts me in mind of Scoggin's wonder, who taking a Friar in bed with a Whore, cried out, a Miracle! a Miracle! Here is to be seen A Friar with four Legs. 
The Anatomy of the English Nunnery at Lisbon, writ by a young Brother of that Covent.   
The Author of the anatomy of the English Nunnery at Lisbon who was once a Brother of that Society, tells us, as a Witness of their Chastity, that he could go directly to a Place in the Wall of their Covent, where he might pull out the bones of Legs and Arms of the poor innocent Bastards, that have been both got and murdered by that Common Society.  — Saxa ipsa trabesque Loquntur. 
This verifies the old Proverb; There's cunning in daubing. Nay, 'tis certain, that these Tricks have been used some Centuries of Years, or else Pope Gregory could never have found so many Bones of drowned Infants as he did: and that they were very numerous is no wonder, being found in so spacious a Place; for his Pond must needs be very large indeed, whose See is universal. Inter Coenandum hilares, was the old rule; and you'l find it observed among the Nuns of Lisbon, where this Story was related in their Covent, by one of that Society, to foster her ghosty Father, as pleasant Table-talk, by one that had been formerly a Chamber-maid forsooth, in the very house where the Comedy was really acted.  
Father Strange, a young Jesuit, who had been brought up in England, fell very sick, the Air it seems of Rome and Valedolid in Spain being unhealthful, and disagreeing with his Constitution; which made him beg leave of the Rector to return into England, and 'twas obtained, in Order to the recovery of his health, and partly also for the converting, or rather perverting of heretics: where he no sooner arrived, but he took up this Nun's Ladies Chamber for his Quarters, and in a small time threw off his Distemper and grew very lusty; insomuch that he had a great mind to be dabbling with that young Gentlewoman, his Sister Anne's Mistris; for that was her name, that made this relation. Mrs. Anne it seems was then sitting at her Needle-Work, with her back to her Lady, and the brisk recovered Jesuit, who were by the fire side; and she looking by chance in a great looking Glass that hung before her, spied the late sick Jesuit at work, and withall saw what pains he took to shrieve her mistress; but he found before he had ended his shrift, he was discovered, and suspecting the truth, that she had seen all, he took her aside, and  told her, that he was a man, and Flesh and Blood as well as others, was subject to such failings, tho he had vowed Chastity; using all the persuasions imaginable to win her to secrecy; and the better to effect it, promised her, that if she at any time stood in need of a Confessor to absolve her for any of her sweet Sins( as he called them) he would perform that Office, and her Penance should not be grievous or burdensome. This was undoubtedly enough to keep a she Saint from tattling. Do but guess by this at the sober Conversation of a professed Nun; of the Jesuit's Chastity in the Action, her modesty in the Relation, who did not blushy to tell this tale for her own and her Ghostly Fathers Recreation; who, like an old Fornicator, would report it with delight in his jovial humour, as he did to me( said the Author) and one Father Vivian, a Friar of the same House.  
Nay, 'tis very frequent among them, for the Father Confessor to go alone into the Nuns Cloister, or Side, and continue there a whole day together, and Dine at their Table with them, and be every other day in their sight, tho it be expressly against their Rules; and in the Cell, which is only for them at Confession, they have a grace, which is usually taken down with a slight, through which the Holy Nuns pass to his Bed by night; a cleanly conveyance for such lustful Persons: nor indeed can it well be expected to be otherwise, since they have such Provocations to this Sin, as Pride, Ease, fullness of Bread, and abundance of all Things, and those the best that can be had for money; for many times those costly Viands which the Viceroy's Purveyor will not meddle with, because they they are so dear, the Caterer of such Houses will buy, tho never so unreasonable, which Provisions are made for the ghostly Father's Table; and when they sit at their Meals, sing bawdy Songs, and obscene Catches to please their Confessor, playing the most loose and wanton Tunes upon Instruments, such as would make a chased ear glow, and a modest Person colour at the hearing. And this is the constant practise of these Religious Persons, whose Covent is made a mere Brothel-House, daily practising such lascivious Actions as are scarce known or heard of in some common Stews.  
But my Pen being tired with writing such unheard of villainies; take this for a Corollary to all the precedent Matter. If Blasphemy, Treason, and Simony, not only countenanced, but daily practised and applauded as works mertorious, by a persuasion called Religion be the way to Heaven; if Massacres, Murders, and Assassinations be pious and good Acts, and can help the Soul to everlasting Felicity; If King-killing, deposing of Emperours and Princes, be not only commendable, but works of Supererogation, and consequently the means to obtain Salvation; If Sodomy, Buggery, Incest, and all sorts of Uncleanness, are not only allowable, but preferable in some Cases to Chastity, and Matrimony; if these, or any of these Qualifications can bring us into the Regions of immortal Bliss and Happiness; Then he is to blame that will live an Austere, Sober, Religious, and Godly Life, and much to blame if he turns not a Proselyte, and embrace the Roman Religion, which is of so great a Latitude, as to allow what Morality, nay, Paganism itself, abhors as Unnatural and Bestial; therefore much more should every Person, who pretends to Christianity, detest and abominate such a Religion, whose Tenets and practices are so Hellish and Damnable.  
FINIS.    

A Catalogue of Books Printed for, and sold by James Norris, at the King's arms without war.  
1. MAssinello; or a satire against the Association and the Guild Hall Riot, Quarto.  
2. Eromena: or the Noble Stranger. A curious Novel. Octavo.  
3. Tractatus adversus Reprobationis absolutae decretum, Nova Methodo& succentissimo Compendio adornatus& in duos Libros digestus. Octavo.  
4. An Idea of Happiness, in a Letter to a Friend, inquiring wherein the greatest Happiness attainable by man in this Life does consist. Quarto.  
5. A Murnival of Knaves, or Whiggism plainly displayed, and( if not grown shameless) Burlesqu'd out of Countenance. Quarto.  
6. The accomplished Lady, or Deserving Gentlewoman: Being a Vindication of Innocent and Harmless Females from the aspersions of Malicious Men; wherein are contained many Eminent Examples of the Constancy, Chastity, Prudence, Policy, Valour, Learning, &c. wherein they have not only equalled, but excelled many of the contrary Sex.  
7. Patria Parricida: or the History of the horrid Conspiracy of Catiline against the Commonwealth of Rome, in English. Octavo.  
8. Core Redivivus: In a Sermon Preached at Christ-Church Tabernacle in London, upon Sunday, September 9. being a Day of public Thanksgiving for the Deliverance of His Sacred Majesties Person and Government from the late Treasonable Rebellion and fanatic Conspiracy.