A MAP OF MERRY conceits.  
Wherein is Contained much mirth which may yield pleasure to the Reader, delight to the Hearer, content to the Buyer, profit to the Seller, and hindrance to no man.  
THE BOOK.  
All you that do spy me, Come quickly& buy me,  
If once you do try me, You will not deny me.  
By Laurence Price.  
 
London, Printed by E. C. for Francis Grove, and are to be sold at his shop on Snow-hill near the saracens head, 1656.   

A MAP OF merry conceits.  

CVrteous spectators that my verses hear,  
Stand not amazed but come a little near,  
unto your view I purpose to present  
A little book which yields much merrimē  
I have in hand no monstrous beast to brag on  
As Parkers ox, nor Trundles mighty dragon:  
Bevis of Hampton, nor great Warwicks earl,  
Which ventured life and blood to gain a girl,  
Nor would I have you think me so mistaken  
To writ of Faustus, or old friar Bacon,  
Of Pluto nor of proserpina of hell,  
Which might affright you no such news Ile tell,  
I am not used to cringe, to bend or crouch,  
Or cousen money out of Maudlins pouch.  
No no, my muse is otherwise inclined,  
They that peruse these lines may quickly find  
A remedy for melancholy sits,  
I will kick a fool into some riper wits:  
Women that to the Alehouse do resort,  
Twill make them laugh and find them pretty sport,  
Then buy my Pamphlet, red it at your leisure,  
Twill serve to pass the time, and do you pleasure.   

AN usurer that had more store of gold  
Then all his coffers, chests, and trunks would hold,  
Went to a neighbour poor that dwelled close by,  
entreating him an simplo courtesy,  
Which was to give him leave till Lamas day  
Five bags of Rudocks in a room to lay  
Of th' poor mans house, who quickly gave consent  
He should lay in his gold, and pay no rent;  
Which being done, the door he locked up fast,  
But mark the jest, here comes the best at last,  
This poor man found another way unto  
Old Magus bags; and made no more ado  
But very boldly to the place did enter,  
And manfully upon the gold did venture,  
Not long time after he went to the Town,  
and bought his wife a petticoat and gown,  
Silk Apron, dainty Ruffs, and Hose and shoes,  
A heaver hat the best that he could choose:  
Kings to her fingers of the purest gold,  
With other garments gorgeous to behold:  
Thus she that lately went as poor as may be  
Was now adorned like a petty lady,  
His children must with costly fare be fed,  
Which had before want both of drink and bread,  
This caused their neighbours all within the parish  
Wonder much strangely thus to see them flourish,  
Some surely thought that he robbed for gain,  
And others said he had some rich man slain;  
Many reported that his deeds were evil,  
And that his soul was given to the devil:  
Else how quoth they could he that was so poor  
Abound in wealth and have of gold such store:  
In short time after as it did appear  
This news was brought unto old Magus ear,  
Who in mild rage, as fierce as any snail,  
Came to the house thinking for to prevail,  
With lofty speech he did his gold demand,  
And swore that he must have it out of hand:  
Why quoth the poor man, Sir, you have the key,  
But for your gold you must a long time stay;  
I gave you leave to bring in bags of worth,  
But I not give you leave to fetch them forth:  
Now how this jar did end to i's unknown,  
But yet I hope the poor man held his own.   

A Dainty couple which were newly wedded  
And scarce had 40 nights together bedded:  
The man was oft possessed by his next neighbour,  
That his young wife did undergo a labour,  
Which was unfitting he should so confute him,  
For it was proved she often did cornute him,  
This valiant horned man séem'd well contented,  
And of his marriage he no jot repented,  
For why, quoth he, she learned it of her mother,  
Precept nor pattern took shée of no other,  
When as her man and she were newly married  
Things in like order then with them were carried,  
But when she came to be lame, blind, and aged,  
Her friends would for her honesty stand engaged,  
And for my part I do suppose her daughter  
Either lives honest now, or will hereafter;  
I will not with ill terms my wife importune,  
I think 'twas not her fault but my bad fortune:  
And fith that she's inclined to be so merry,  
Ile be as boon, and tipple sack and sherry:  
What care I for the voice of Common people  
Though every word seems higher then a steeple,  
Let Will and Bes and Tom against me mutter,  
I do not care a pin for all their clutter,  
Perhaps that some will say I am the richer  
Because my wife was such an excellent stitcher:  
Another says I have a very dull head,  
A third man calls me by the name of Bull head:  
And this shall never move me to displeasure,  
So that my wife brings in good store of treasure.   

THE CROSSING OF PROVERBS.  Pro. 
HE may swim that is held up by the chin.  Cros. 
But not with a millstone tied about his middle.  Pro. 
Give a man luck and cast him into the sea.  Cros. 
And so he may have the luck to be drowned.  Pro. 
The breath of a wanton is sweet at the first.  Cros. 
But at last more loathsome than poison.  P. 
A fool will be won to do any thing.  C. 
No, not any good thing.  P. 
A fool will be won with a babble.  C. 
Not so, a crafty fool will not.  P. 
Wise men are never deceived.  C. 
Yes sometimes with a woman.  P. 
he that digs a pit for another man falls in himself.  C. 
But not if he be the Sexton of the Parish.  P. 
No man will change an old friend for a new.  C. 
Yes, if once he falls into poverty.  P. 
He that will not work shall not eat.  C. 
Not so, for many times he that works least eats most.  Pro. 
He that will lie will steal.  Cros. 
Not if his hands be bound behind him.  P. 
He that hath a scold to his wife cannot be at quiet.  C. 
Yes, when he is far enough from her.  P. 
He that doth good is repaid with evil.  C. 
But not all times.  P. 
A barking dog will bite.  C. 
But a snarling cur will both bark and bite.  P. 
You never heard a fish wife Cry stinking fish.  C. 
Yes once in southwark.  P. 
He that buys dear must sell dear.  C. 
Not so, there are many that buys dear to give away.  P. 
Tobacco as some say cléereth the eye sight.  C. 
But I never will believe it.  P. 
The love of a Harlot doth not last long.  C. 
Yes, so long as a man hath one Groat in his purse.  P. 
Choice fare, strong drink, and warm clothes will lengthen thy life.  C. 
Not if it bring in its mace to arrest thee.  P. 
One could drives out another.  C. 
Not when Witold drives out cuckolded.  P. 
The blind eat many a fly  C. 
But not in Christmas holidays.  P. 
Like Master like man.  C. 
Not so, Many an honest Master hath had a knave to his Man.  P. 
It is a rare thing to have a beautiful wife.  C. 
Not except she be honest.  P. 
It is a good thing to have a loving wife.  C. 
Not if shée love another man better than her husband.  P. 
It is an excellent thing to have a quiet wife.  C. 
Not if shée be dumb and cannot speak.  Pro. 
It is a happy thing to have an honest wife.  Cros. 
Not unless shée bee endowed with some other virtue.  P. 
He is wise that keepeth a secret hidden.  C. 
But not if it be to his own hurt.  P. 
He is wise that revealeth a secret.  C. 
Not if it be to wrong a friend.  P. 
The taste of water spoils the voice.  C. 
Not of a Goose.  P. 
Hear, see, and say nothing.  C. 
Not so, least thy throat be cut while thou keep silence.  P. 
liars have very short legs.  C. 
But they have very long tongues.  P. 
To be careful is an excellent gift.  C. 
Not except it be guided with discretion.  P. 
Better give the wool than the sheep.  C. 
Not if the sheep be rotten.  P. 
Set a thief on horseback and he will ride.  C. 
Not far if he meet with the gallows.  P. 
It is never good to choose a wife by the light of a Candle.  C. 
Yet she may be better by Candle than by Daylight,  P. 
Children and fools tell all.  C. 
Not if they cannot speak.  P. 
A Tapster sometimes thrives backward.  C. 
Tis not the Tapster tis his wife.  P. 
Time is a proud Champion.  C. 
Not so, for he will run away from every one.  P. 
He that lives without a wife saves charges.  C. 
Not if he spend more in a Bawdy house than will maintain a family.  P. 
He the waiteth on a whore shall lose his labour.  C. 
Not so, he may chance to be paid with a pox.  Pro. 
he that goeth to bed without a supper may rise an hungry.  Cros. 
Not so, he is not sure ro rise alive.  P. 
A wrangler will pick out the eyes of another.  C. 
But not if they be blind before.  P. 
He that loves me will love my hound.  C. 
Not if he eat up the butter.  P. 
Words and deeds are all one.  C. 
Not amongst Dissemblers.  P. 
A fat Goose is meat for a man.  C. 
Not when the Fox meets with her.  P. 
The great fish eat up the small.  C. 
But not before they catch them.  P. 
Conscience was hanged long ago.  C. 
Not so, he was hanged that used no conscience.  P. 
Hottest love is soonest could.  C. 
Not so, a faithful friend will say and hold.  P. 
The biggest is the best.  C. 
Not so, a Lark is better than a kite.  P. 
It is a brave thing to have store of gold.  C. 
Not if thou be carried to prison for it.  P. 
Tell a tale to a mere and shée will give thee no thanks.  C. 
Yes, the clean contrary way.  P. 
When Fortune pipeth then is good time to dance.  C. 
But not if thou hast no legs.  P. 
A Drunken wife needs no Porter.  C. 
Yes, to carry her home.  P. 
Good Ale makes the heart light.  C. 
But not if it overload the stomach.  P. 
If the mere trot the Colt wiil trot also.  C. 
Not if he be lame and cannot go.  P. 
A joyful heart makes a fair face.  C. 
But not in a blackmoor.  Pro. 
Love them that love thee.  Cros. 
Not if they be harlots.  P: 
Kick a gauld horse and he will winch.  C: 
Not if he be dead:  P: 
He that hath due to the be will have the hony:  C: 
Not so, he may be dismissed of both:  P: 
He that wakes all night may sleep all day:  C: 
Not when a soldier is in the face of his enemy:  P: 
A tailor may be an honest man:  C: 
Not when he cuts three sléeves for one garment:  P: 
wisdom is a rare part in a damsel:  C: 
But not if she be addicted to folly:  P: 
A sword is a dangerous weapon:  C: 
Not till it be drawn:  P: 
Manhood best becomes a soldier:  C: 
Not if he fly from his Colours.  P: 
He shoots well that hits the mark:  C: 
Not if it be to his own undoing:  P: 
To pick a mans purse is flat felony:  C: 
Not women pick their husbands purses:  P: 
A drunkard is a Gentlemans fellow:  C: 
Not so, he is not worthy to he a beggars companion:  P: 
Butter is good for any thing:  C: 
But not to stop Ovens with:  P: 
Every true Miller hath a golden thumb:  C: 
Not so true, the Miller hath a thumb of flesh.  P: 
Meat well boiled hurteth no body:  C: 
Yes the Hostis if it be not well paid for:  P: 
A new broom swéeps clean:  C: 
Not if a lazy housewife hath it in handling:  P: 
Good deeds are repaid with evil:  C: 
Not with good minded people:  P: 
A lusty horse is a trusty servant:  Cros. 
That's not so if he cast his Master on the ground.  Pro. 
An unhappy boy breeds a good man.  C. 
That's not so, a good man breeds an unhappy boy.  P. 
A quean is better than a slut:  C. 
That's not so, for a slut can but poison the body,& a quean will poison both body and soul.  P. 
Nothing so much out of request as an old horse  C. 
Yes an old Servingman.  P. 
A Bucks horn and a Cuckolds horn are alike.  C. 
Thats not so, for a Buck sheds his horn once a year, and the cuckolded sheds his horns scarce once in his life time.  P. 
Short and sweet.  C. 
Not if it taste like a crab.  P. 
Nothing more subtle than a whore.  C. 
Yes, the devil.  P. 
The longer he liveth the more wit he will have.  C. 
Not if he be an idiot.  P. 
A beautiful woman gives content to her husband.  C. 
Not if she dub him knight of the forked order.  P. 
Pride and Lust commonly go together.  C. 
Not when a whore is brought to the whipping-post.  P. 
He that will swear will lie.  C. 
Not if he bear a good conscience.   

The Knavery of the Miller.  
A Gentleman once walking on the way,  
Met with Tom True the honest Millers boy,  
A pound of Candles he had in his hand,  
The Gentleman did earnestly demand,  
To know the reason why he used still  
To carry such store of candles to the Mill.  
Sir, said the boy, we soon shall have good sport,  
For why, my Master means to keep his Court:  
So being partend at that instant season,  
The man within himself began to reason,  
What Court the Miller kept, and therefore he,  
Was thus resolved, that he would go see.  
And coming to the Mill late in the night,  
He did perceive therein a mighty light,  
So coutching close under a bush hard by,  
He thought in time some knavery to spy:  
At last he heard a very large Oration  
Made by the Miller like a Proclamation,  
With a loud voice, next after his O yes,  
He did begin his speech as followeth this.  
Boy make good chased, with speed untie each sack,  
And see what customers of late we lack,  
The pretty Lad did as his Master bid him,  
But yet unséen the Gentleman still hide him,  
And so the Miller strait upon the same,  
called all his Customers each one by name:  
Come Thomas guile appear with speed in sight,  
Or else thou shalt be mearct by this good light:  
Bring Steeven Goose, William Woodcock too,  
Else boy I charge thee make no more ado,  
Discharge thy conscience, finish up the rrouble,  
And every one that comes not mearce him double:  
The man unséen much wondered at the same,  
At last he heard them call upon his name,  
And fearing least his sack would pay a fine,  
Crydout, hold, hold, I am a friend of thine.  
This word throughout the Mill made all amazed,  
And with their candles up and down they gazed;  
Though long they looked, no man they could see,  
Which made the Miller think assuredly,  
For his misdealing, and his base demerit,  
His Mill and he were haunted by some spirit.  
Whereby into a frenzy strait he fell,  
His pewter nose made show he was not well,  
His hoary hair from his bald head fell down,  
Scarcely one honest hair left on his crown,  
And quaking in the place where he did stand,  
Not one true finger left on his right hand;  
And many griefs suitable with the same,  
Which now would be too long for me to name,  
In this distress he took him to his bed,  
And since that time Tom True the Millers dead.  
Therefore to end my theme I hold it best,  
You may conceive all this is but a jest.   

The Drunkards Dream.  
A Country fellow being potifi'd,  
Lay down to sleep fast by the high way side,  
And as this Pot-companion was a sleeping,  
Morphus his vital sences had in keeping:  
Mean while a Traveller that passed by,  
And seeing him so much at random lie,  
Awaked him and strait upon the same,  
Desired him for to unfold his dream;  
For why quoth he I see you often start,  
By which I know that in your inward part  
You were possessed with some prodigious sight,  
Which in your sleep did greatly you affright.  
The man starts up like one being in a maze,  
And on the Traveller did wistly gaze,  
And presently his dream began to tell,  
I have quoth he seen all the rooms in hell,  
But since my memory so dull is grown,  
That every several I cannot make known.  
I will relate what I can best remember,  
Me thought twas done in the month of September  
An Ale-wife first was by a demi-devill  
Brought in because indeed her deeds were evil,  
Her chiefest customers she used to guile,  
And never filled her pots to poor folks full,  
Beside the dropings of the tap she'd sand  
And bring false reckoning to her nearest friend,  
And oftentimes her tongue would breed much strife  
Twixt many an honest neighbour and his wife.  
And then me thought this Alewife for her trouble  
Was in the Stygian Lake tormented double.  
Soon after her presented were three queans,  
Who by ungodly dealings got their means,  
Their faces painted, and their golden locks,  
But all their noses painted with the pox,  
And for their earthly pleasure now their gain,  
Is to be punished with a lasting pain.  
And after them me thought apace did wander  
A foulsome bawd, a Cut-purse and a Pander,  
Numbers of rooks that in the fields lay playing,  
When twas more fit they should have been a praying  
Sherkers& cheters in great crowds came prancing  
As if the devil kept a school for Dancing:  
Chandlers also to show their weights& measure,  
And money mongers with great heaps of treasure:  
Bakers also for sizing of their bread,  
bewailing of the time they were missed:  
Brewers came with them onely for this matter,  
Because they left out malt and put in water.  
The Traveller being weary of his talk,  
said Friend farewell, for now I must go walk;  
And so they partend both I know not whether,  
I think indeed they stayed too long together.   

A Fare from Wapping.  
A Wench near Wapping lately was espied,  
With a young fellow by a hedges side,  
And as tis said in midst of their bravery,  
Two boat men took them in the height of knavery,  
And with a Ropes end they the fellow basted,  
But the poor wench a greater torment tasted;  
For she was brought before some men at last  
The which on her their censures quickly past,  
That she should then unto a boat be tide  
And so be drawn unto the other side.  
Fast to the stern end they then her bound,  
She thought of nothing but she should be drowned,  
But they had quickly rowed her throw the water,  
And charged her to live honest ever after:  
Now when she felt her self upon the ground,  
In short time after she her tongue had found,  
And with a voice both lusty stout and bold  
She did begin to fret, fume, chafe and scold.  
Are you the men, said she, would hang or drown me  
Or do you think at this time to confounded me:  
No, no, alas your labour is in vain,  
For I will surely to the sport again:  
You say that you have washed me clean and sweet,  
The betters for my friend when we do meet:  
Yet in this way it may be understood  
That this same washing hath done me much good,  
He that before would give me but a crown,  
Shall now pay twenty shillings ready down.   


If you think the Book is not worth your money,  
Here's a Song at the later end is worth a penny.   
To the tune of Last Christmas twas my chance.  

I Am ashamed to see  
Such antic foolish fashions  
As up and down doth flee,  
Besides such altrations  
As there bee.   

Both men and women to  
Their shapes do so abuse,  
How ugly do they show  
In their forked tin-to'd shoes  
When as they go.   

A pride likewise some take  
In poudring of their shoulders  
When nits or meal will make  
As brave a sight to the beholders  
I dare speak.   

On their codpisses theyl wear  
Sorts of Ribons plenty,  
And vapour, rant, and tear  
When their pockets they are empty  
I dare swear.   

I met one in the street  
Her face was daubd with spots  
But when I did her greet  
I thought she had the pox  
Her breath was so sweet.   

Your tin-to'd boots& shoes,  
Black paches& painted faces,  
Every dragletail now doth use  
And no smocks upon their Ar— es  
That's no news.   

If Diogenes had lived  
In these times of altrations,  
He would a blushed to see  
Such antic foolish fashions  
As now there be.   

For fear I should offend  
In this harmless dity,  
I'l stop my tongue and end,  
Truth now is blamed that's pity  
My dear friend.    
FINIS.