b'PN 6161 \n.C3 \nCopy 1 \n\n\n\nLIBRARY OF CONGRESS \n\n\n\n021 100 910 P \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nClass EN&JAL. \n\nfo<k\'( ? .3 \n\nGcjpgM \n\nCOPYRIGHT DEPOSIT. \n\n\n\nA BUNCH OF URNS \n\n\n\n3sxx \n\n\n\n-AJSTD \n\n\n\nRARE BITS OF HUMOR \n\n\n\n<An Original Collection of After-dinner \nStories, Humorous Anecdotes and Side- \nsplitting yokes, Contributed by the \nLeading Humorists of the \nVaudeville Stage \n\nTO WHICH IS ADDED \n\nA Selection of Convivial Toasts \n\nCompiled and arranged by \n\nF. J. CAHILL \n\nComedian \n\n\n\nCAREY-STAFFORD COMPANY \n\nNEW YORK NEW ORLEANS \n\n63 5th Avenue 319 Carondelet Street \n\n\n\nc \n\n\n\nLIBRARY of CONGRESS \nTwo Cooies Received \n\nAPR 6 1906 \n\nCopyright Entry \nCLASS />> XXc, No, \n\ncopy"b/ \n\n\n\n^y \n\n\n\nCopyright 1906 \nBy CAREY-STAFFORD CO, \n\n\n\nCAUTION . \n\nAs most of the matter in this bock is \noriginal, or obtained by special permis- \nsion, publishers and compilers are re- \nspectfully cautioned against using same \nwithout written permission. \n\n\n\nCONTENTS. \n\n\n\nA Bashful Beau 17 ^ \n\nA Business Transaction 44 \n\nA Cheap Peed 80 \n\nA Complete Give-Away 79 \n\nA Domestic Tragedy 59 \n\nA Fast Horse 35 \n\nA Good Suggestion 106*--" \n\nA Group of Swedish Jokes 78 \n\nA Hint to Lovers 115 if \n\nA Lucky Turkey 20 \n\nA Misunderstanding 109 \n\nA Modest Maid (Poetry) 8Q \n\nA Narrow Escape. 46\'/. \n\nAn Explanation 18 * \n\nA New Disease 86 \n\nA New Name fot It 128 \n\nA New Way to Get Money 62 \n\nAn Odd Specimen : 89 \n\nAnother Kind of a Cat 87 \n\nAn Unfortunate Affair 117 \n\nA Piano Doctor 71 \n\nA Seance of Forgetfulness 129 \n\nA Slip 29 \n\nA Smart Kid 125 \n\nA Story of a Kiss 48 \n\nA Truthful Verdict 21 \n\nAt the Ball 71 \n\nA Summer Idyl (Poetry) 66 \n\nA Sure Winner 64 \n\nA Yankee at the Theatre 41 \n\nBanana Peel, The (Poetry) 15 \n\nBand Was Always There, The 81 \n\nBangs That Caught On 124 \n\nBarrymore\'s Fear 147 \n\nBill-Berries 99 \n\nBoth Gone 8 \n\nBreaking Up a Monopoly 12 \n\nBut One Billy Birch 43 \n\nCasey\'s Discovery 47 \n\n\n\nRare- Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nCasey in London 23 \n\nChangeable Mails 144 \n\nCheap fob Cash 90 \n\nCheek 47 \n\nclbcumstantial evidence 4 . . 8 \n\nClose Quabtebs 110 \n\nComplete Stock 96 \n\nConvivial Toasts 150i \n\nCobbecting a Mistake 132 \n\nDelay is Dangebous 74 \n\nDelicately Done 130 \n\nDidn\'t Even Keep Lent 100 \n\nDidn\'t Find Heb Honey 26 \n\nDOCTOB AND THE MONKEY, THE 19 \n\nEfficacy of the Countersign, The 138 \n\nEquivalent 36 \n\nPaib Gbaduate, The 105 \n\nFilled a Want 113 \n\nFly Soup 50 \n\nFollowed the Pbescbiption 102 \n\nFbench Fun 58 \n\nFbom Pillab to Post 123 \n\nFbom Sole to Uppeb 62 \n\n"F\\VAS WOLLEN SlE HABEN?" 61 \n\nGood Reason 87 \n\n"Got Him Dak" 56 \n\nHad Good Reasons 73 \n\nHave Met Befobe 92 \n\nHe Called Chauncey 14 \n\nHe Caught the Egg 25 \n\nHe Got the Job 53 \n\nHe Knew What Was What ^ijt \n\nHeb Top Sheet 51^ \n\nHe Was Posted 142 \n\nHe Was Right Tfr \n\nHe Wobked the Boss 79 \n\nHis Chabge 93 \n\nHis Good Luck 58 \n\nHis Own Gbandfatheb 143 \n\nHis Reason 115 \n\nHis Remedy 63 \n\n\n\nRare- Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nHis Wife Was With Him 142 \n\n"Hoch Der Kaiser" (Poetry) 28 \n\nHow a Woman Does It 84 \n\nHow to Get Rid of Him 136 \n\nHugging the Shore (Poetry) 45 \n\nHully Gee Sweet Marie (Poetry) 24 \n\nIn the Same Box 20 \n\nIrish Bees 16 \n\nIrish vs. German j34> \n\nJoker Is Now Missing, The 113 \n\nKisses by Mail 148 \n\nMildred Corrects Her Brother 99* \n\nMilky Way, The 22 \n\nMiss Murray\'s Stories 97 \n\nMrs. Murphy\'s Sarcasm 31 \n\nNo Advantage 85 \n\n"No Flies on Her" \xc2\xa307, \n\nNo More Kissing 13*7" \n\nNorma Whalley\'s Parrot 41 \n\nNot a Fast Color 88 \n\nNot His Fault 60 \n\nObservations 55 \n\nOh, Brace Up 94 \n\nOn the Stairs 112 \n\nOrder Cancelled 118 \n\nOut of Sight 113 \n\nO Woman, Lovely Woman 135 \n\nPaddy Burns\' Prisoner 127 \n\nParalyzing 37 \n\nPartial Success 50\' \n\nPatrick\'s Day on April 5 83 \n\nPat\'s Fear 65 \n\nPat\'s Reason Ill \n\nPat\'s Seesaw 103 \n\nPlay Is On, The 68 \n\nPrecautionary Flattery 11 \n\nPresence of Mind 69 \n\nPretty Maid, The (Poetry) 82 \n\nProblem Solved in Sweden 33 \n\nProvocation 73 \n\nPunning ....,,,,,, 67 \n\n5 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nQuestion in Grammar G7 \n\nReligious Item 9S \n\nRemoving Temptation 21 \n\nRestriction Removed, The 70 \n\nRetort Courteous, The 133 \n\nSauce for the Goose 91 \n\nScaled Vituperation 59 \n\nSeeing Things (Poetry) 101 \n\nShe Got the Verdict 119 \n\nShe Married a Lord 134 \n\nSpanish Love 65 \n\nSo Glad 120 \n\nSorter Sloopin\' 13 \n\nSteering Clear of Sin 104 \n\nSuch a Liar 57 \n\nSullivan and Albert Edward 114 \n\nSuspicious 139 \n\nThink \'Em Over 131 **v \n\nToast, The 31 \n\nTo His Advantage 31 \n\nToo Much for Him 140 \n\nToo Much Mouth 35 \n\nVaccination in the Hub 75 \n\nWanted to Acquit Him 30 \n\nWhat\'s in a Name? 7 \n\nWhat Killed Him 144 \n\nWhat Killed the Parrot C3 \n\nWhere He Was Great 146 \n\nWhich, What and Why 100 \n\nWhy Her Temper Was Bad 136 \n\nWhy She Was Salted (Poetry) 77 \n\nWilliam Goat, The 108 \n\nWith All Her Faults I Love Her (Poetry) 122 \n\nWonderful Prosperity 95 \n\nYouthful Depravity 27 \n\n\n\n6y ^y \n\n\n\nA BUNCH OF YARNS \n\nAND \n\nAFTER-DINNER STORIES. \n\n\n\nWHAT\'S IN A NAME? \n\nAn Irish soldier in a local regiment \nduring the late war arrived at camp late one \nnight. He was challenged with the usual \n"Who goes there?\'\' \n\nAfter pondering a few moments, and the \nchallenge being repeated, and thinking he \nmight avoid punishment, he answered: \n\n"Kitchener."\' \n\nHe was immediately knocked down with \nthe butt end of a rifle. \n\nWhile he was on the ground ruefully rub- \nbing his head, the sentry exclaimed: \n\n"Why, it\'s Callaghan! What did ye say \nit was Kitchener for?" \n\n"Shure," came the answer, "when ye \nwould do this to Kitchener, phwat would ye \ndo to Callaghan?" \n\n\n\nCIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. \n\nSenator Depew at a lawyers\' dinner talked \nabout circumstantial evidence. Then he told \n\nthis storv: \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"A young and pretty girl had been out \nwalking. \n\n"On her return her mother said: \n\n" \'Where have you been my dear V \n\n" \'Only walking in the park/ she replied. \n\n"\'With whom? 7 pursued her mother. \n\n" \'No one, mama,\' said the young girl. \n\n" \'No one ?\' her mother repeated. \n\n" \'Then/ said the older lady, \'explain \nhow it is that you have come home with a \nwalking stick instead of an umbrella/ " \n\n\n\nBOTH GONE. \n\nThe other night a merchant in a village \nin Ohio was discovered in his store at an \nunusually late hour, and, in reply to in- \nquiries, he said : \n\n"My confidential clerk is missing." \n"And what of it?" \n\n"Why, I\'m looking over the books, but \nthey seem to be all square." \n"Have you counted your cash?" \n"Yes, and it is correct to a dollar." \n"Looked over your bank book?" \n"I have, and it is satisfactory. That\'s \nthe puzzle, you see. He\'s skipped, and I \ncan\'t make out what for." \n8 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Been home since noon?" \n\n"No." \n\n"Perhaps he has eloped with your wife." \n\n"Lands alive ! but it may be so ! If it is, \nthen the puzzle will be solved." \n\nHe hurried home, and it was so, and he \nfelt a great anxiety off his mind. \n\n\n\nA DEAD HEAT. \n\n"What\'s the funniest thing I ever saw?" \nrepeated the gentleman of sporting tenden- \ncies. "Well, I guess it was a dead heat in \nan event where there was only one entry." \n\n"How in the world was that ?" came from \nthe other end of the store, and when the \nanswer came, "A cremation," the questioner \nordered the drinks. \n\n\n\nWELL POSTED. \n\nJerry Simpson one day while eulogizing \nDaniel Webster referred in complimentary \nterms to his dictionary. A friend pulled \nSimpson\'s coat-tail and whispered, "Noah \nmade the dictionary." Simpson gave him \na scornful look and whispered back, "Noah \nbuilt the ark." \n\n9 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nHE KNEW WHAT WAS WHAT, \n\nELL me \n\n\n\n\'How did \nyou manage to win \nher affections so \nquickly, Dan? The \nrecipe\'s worth know- \ning?" \n\n"Oh, that was \nsimple enough," re- \nplied he. "The first \nnight I arrived at \nthe lodging house \nin Australia I found \nmyself sitting next to a young woman at \nsupper, who I soon found was one of the \nnewly arrived immigrants. I looked her \nover and saw a round, strong, cheery-look- \ning lass, with laughing face, and thought \nshe\'d do. I didn\'t know how to go foolin\' \naround her to find a soft place, but just \nspoke a word or two with her, and when we \ncame out into the passage gave her a \nsqueeze and a kiss. \n\n"Says she, \'How dare you !\' \n"Says I, \'I wants to marry you, my dear.\' \n" \'Marry me !\' cries she, laughing. \'Why \nI don\'t know you!\' \n\n10 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n" \'No more do I know you, my dear,\' \nsays I; \'so that makes it fair and equal/ \n\n"She didn\'t know how to put a clapper \non that, so she only laughed and said she \ncouldn\'t think of it. \n\n"\'Not think of it,\' says I, artful like, \n\'not when you\'ve come all these thousands \nof miles for the purpose?\' \n\n" \'What do you mean ?\' says she, staring. \n\n" \'Come now,\' says I, \'I knows what\'s \nwhat.. "When a man immigrationizes it\'s to \nget work; when a woman immigrationizes \nit\'s to get married. You may as* well do it \nat once.\' \n\n"Well, she giggled a bit, and we were \nspliced two days afterwards." \n\n\n\nPRECAUTIONARY FLATTERY. \n\n"Can I see the lady of the house?" in- \nquired the pedlar of the woman who opened \nthe door. \n\n"Well, yes, you can if you ain\'t blind," \nwas the answer. \n\n"Oh, beg pardon, madam; you are the \nlady of the house, then?" \n\n"Yes, I am. What d\'yer take me for? \nDid yer think I was the gentleman of the \nII \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor \n\nhouse, or the next door neighbor, or one \nof the farm hands, or the cat, or the ice \nchest?" \n\nThe pedlar smiled. \n\n"I didn\'t know, madam, but that you \nmight be the youngest daughter. ,, \n\n"Oh, did yer?" said the lady of the \nhouse. "Well, that was nat\'ral, too. What \nhave you got to sell to-day?" \n\nThen the pedlar displayed his wares, and \nwhen he left that doorstep half an hour \nlater his face was full of pleasure and his \npockets full of money. He evidently under- \nstood human nature and made a good sale. \n\n\n\nBREAKING UP A MONOPOLY. \n\nRube \xe2\x80\x94 How much for a ticket to New \nYork? \n\nTicket Seller \xe2\x80\x94 Two dollars. \n\n"I\'ll give you a dollar and a half." \n\n\'Get away from the window." \n\n"Well, how will a dollar and seventy- \nfive cents strike you, young man?" \n\n"No." \n\n"All right. Now I\'ll not go to New \nYork at all, and you don\'t get a darned \nnickel out of me." \n\n12 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nSORTER SLOOPIN\'. \n\nY attention was at- \ntracted to an old- \nfashioned prairie \nschooner, with a \nbroad stretch of tar- \npaulin, which rolled \ninto St. Louis last \nweek and came to a \nstand in front of a \nsmall hotel. The \nsight was so novel \nthat a reporter \nhailed the bronze driver, asking- where in \nthe world he was bound. "Arkansaw," \nwas the reply; "we\'re all the way fr\'m \nKane County, Illinoy, and we\'re heading f\'r \nthe Red River kentry." At that moment \ncertain menagerie-like sounds issuing from \nthe depths of the wagon led the reporter to \nglance in. As he did so a woman\'s face \nwent blushingly back under the cover and \nseveral children bobbed their heads up in- \nquiringly. "You seem to have a good deal \nof a family," said the scribe. "Yaas, in \nfact I\'ve got two families." "Two fami- \nlies?" "Um-hum," he grunted affirmatively. \n13 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"You see, Samanthy ther\'s got nine young \nones and I\'ve got seven, and they ain\'t \nquite shook togither yet. Way back in \nKane County we\'d knowed each other for \nsome time. Samanthy there her husband \nwan\'t no count; he got to hog stealin\' and \nthen he got into the pen at Joliet, and my \nwife war poor and sickly, and so I shipped \nher on to the folks in Indiana and Samanthy \nand I started for Arkansaw. As we kem \nby Joliet she went and saw her old man, \nHez Ward, an\' he gev his consent." \n\n"So you\'re eloping?" \n\n"Well, we are sorter slopin\'." \n\n\n\nHE CALLED CHAUNCEY. \n\nThe president of a Wisconsin railroad \ncalled on Chauncey Depew one day for a \npass. \n\n"If you will give me a pass over your \nroad, Mr. Depew," said he, "I will extend \nyou the same courtesy over my road." \n\n"How long is your road?" inquired Mr. \nDepew. \n\n"Well, we are operating sixty-seven miles \nthis year." \n\n"What, sixty-seven miles, and you call, \n14 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthat an exchange of courtesy, and the Van- \nderbilt system has its thousands of miles." \n"Well, Mr. Depew," said the Western \nrailroad president, as he arose to go, "your \nroad may be a little longer than mine, but \nit ain\'t any wider." \n\n\n\nTHE BANANA PEEL. \n\nLike the bar of the beaten gold \n\nI gleam in the summer sun; \nI am little, I know, but I think I can throw \n\nA man that will weigh a ton. \nI send out no challenges bold, \n\nI blow me no vaunting horn, \nBut foolish is he who treadeth on me; \n\nHe\'ll wish he had ne\'er been born. \n\nLike the flower of the field, vain man \n\nGoeth forth at the break of day; \nBut when he shall feel my grip on his heel, \n\nLike the stubble he fadeth away; \nFor I lift him high up in the air, \n\nWith his heels where his head ought to be, \nWith a down-coming crash he maketh his mash, \n\nAnd I know he\'s clear gone upon me. \n\nI am scorned by the man who buys me, \n\nI am modest and quiet and meek; \nThough my talents are few, yet the work that \nI do \n\nHas oft made the cellar-doors creak. \nI\'m a canary-colored Republican born, \n\nAnd a Nihilist fearless I be; \nThough the head wear a crown, I would bring; \nits pride down, \n\nIf it sets its proud heel upon me. \n\n15 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nIRISH BEES. \n\nDistrict Attorney Reeves of Los Angeles, \nCal., appreciates a good story and tells one \nof an Irishman that will bear repeating. \n\n"Some people object to releasing pris- \noners on a floater because of the fact that \nthe renegades are turned loose upon other \ncommunities. That reminds me of the \nIrishman who, after reaching America, was \nfull of homesick brag, in which nothing in \nAmerica even approached things of a simi- \nlar variety in Ireland. In speaking of the \nbees of the ould sod and he grew especially \nroseate and said : \n\n" \'Why, the baze in that counthry is twice \nas big as in this. Indade, they\'er bigger \nthan that. They\'re as big as th\' shape ye \nhave in this counthry !\' \n\n" \'Bees as big as sheep !\' said his incredu- \nlous listener. \'Why, what kind of hives do \nyou have to keep them in?\' \n\n" \'No bigger than the ones in this coun- \nthry,\' was the reply. \n\n" \'Then how do the bees get into the \nhives?\' he was asked. \n\n"\'Well,\' replied the Irishman, \'that\'s \ntheir own dom lookout/ " \n16 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nA BASHFUL BEAU. \n\nESS, your beau \nseems very bash- \nful," said mam- \nma to her daugh- \nter. \n"Bashful!" echo- \ned the daughter, \n"bashful is no \nname for it." \n\n"Why don\'t you \nencourage him a \nlittle more? Some \nmen have to be taught how to do their court- \ning. He\'s a good catch." \n\n"Encourage him !" said the daughter, "he \ncannot take the most palpable hint. Why, \nonly last night when I sat all alone on the \nsofa, he perched up in a chair as far away \nas he could get, I asked him if he didn\'t \nthink it strange that a man\'s arm and a \nwoman\'s waist seemed always to be the \nsame length, and what do you think he \ndid?" \n\n"Why, just what any sensible man would \nhave done \xe2\x80\x94 tried it." \n\n"He asked me if I could find a piece of \n17 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nstring so we could measure and see if it \nwas so.\xe2\x80\x94 Ain\'t he a horrible man?" \n\n\n\nAN EXPLANATION. \n\nA wealthy New York gentleman, who has \ngot a frisky wife, observed that his footman \nhad bought an entirely new suit of clothes \nand had his beard dyed. \n\n"What a ridiculous idea that is for you \nto be fixing up that way," said the gentle- \nman. \n\n"Well," said the footman, "you dye your \nmustache and fix up, too." \n\n"I know that, but I do it to please my \nwife." \n\n"Well, ain\'t that what I do it for?" \n\n\n\nCAR FARE. \n\nAn Irishman who keeps a saloon found \nhis cash was always short, so he said to his \nJew bartender one day : \n\n"Levi, did you take any money out of \nthe register last night?" \n\nLevi says : "Yes, I took my car-fare \nhome." \n\nThe Irishman says : "Where do you \nlive? In San Francisco?" \n18 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTHE DOCTOR AND THE MONKEY. \n\nThe wife of a celebrated Western divine \nhas such a fancy for Angora cats that she \nhas a room devoted to them, leading out of \nwhich a gallery is built, so the animals \ncan have exercise and fresh air without \nwandering away. \n\nAn old college friend met the doctor on \nthe street lately, and not having seen each \nother for some years, the meeting was most \npleasant. At last he asked : "George, what \nare you doing now ?" \n\n"Well," said he, "I am married, am pas- \ntor of a fine church and get a good salary." \n\n"And your wife?" \n\n"My wife ! my wife ! oh ! she is in the cat \nraising business." \n\nIn addition to the cat craze, a monkey \nwas added to the household menagerie, and \nall went pleasantly until one day, as the \ndoctor stepped into his bath, the monkey \njumped in with him. Then there was wrath \nin the old man\'s eye, when after a brief \nstruggle he left the bath tub, holding the \nmonkey by the neck, both dripping with \nwater, marched into the presence of his \ngood lady, saying : "Madam ! this monkey \n\n19 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nbusiness has gone too far; you must de- \ncide between me and the monkey." \n\nShe looked placidly up from a cat she \nwas petting, saying: \'\'Doctor, will you \ngive me twenty- four hours to decide?" The \nmonkey is still a member of the household. \n\n\n\nIN THE SAME BOX. \n\n"You have been in the army a great many \nyears, but I have not heard of your captur- \ning anything," said an old Washington co- \nquette to a somewhat venerable officer of \nthe army. \n\n"You ought to have a fellow-feeling for \nme," was the reply. \n\n"How so?" \n\n"Because we both know what it is to grow \nold without making any conquests." \n\n\n\nA LUCKY TURKEY. \n\nAfter having listened, at a Christmas \ndinner, to Jones\' stale jokes, Smith said : \n"I say, Jones, the Christmas turkey is luck- \nier than we are." \n\nJones \xe2\x80\x94 In what way? \n\n"He isn\'t stuffed with chestnuts until \nafter he is dead." \n\n20 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nREMOVING TEMPTATION. \n\nDeacons Smith and Jones, two pillars of \nthe church, were working in the hayfield on \na Virginia farm. Suddenly Deacon Smith \ncalled out excitedly : \n\n"What dis ah dun f oun\' in dis haystack ?" \n\n"Look ter me lack er jug ob licker," Dea- \ncon Jones responded, his eyes rolling. \n\nBoth deacons pondered, and presently \nDeacon Smith said, gravely: \n\n"Bro\' Jones, don\' yo\' \'low we-all better \ndrink up dis hyah, les\' some po\' weak brud- \nder fin\' hit an\' fall by the wayside?" \n\n\n\nA TRUTHFUL VERDICT. \n\nA clergyman who had accepted an invita- \ntion to officiate at Sunday services in a \nneighboring town entrusted his new curate \nwith the performance of his own duties. On \nreturning home he asked his wife what she \nthought of the curate\'s sermon. \n\n"It was the poorest one I ever heard," she \nreplied, promptly \xe2\x80\x94 "nothing in it all all." \n\nLater in the day the clergyman, meeting \nhis curate, asked him how he had got on. \n\n"Oh, very well," was the reply. "I didn\'t \nhave time to prepare anything, so I preached \none of your unused sermons." \n\n21 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nDistrust appearances ! I saw a person \nEngaged in talking with a maid apart, \n\nAnd every little while I chanced to notice \nHe lightly laid his hand upon his heart. \n\nI thought, of course, it was a declaration. \n\nA passage tender with the maiden fair, \nBut found out later that the frequent gestures \n\nWere just to see if still his purse was there ! \n\n\n\nTHE MILKY WAY. \n\n\'Twas a warm October night and the sil- \nvery moon cast glimmering shadows about \nthe woody glen, through which the rippling \nbrook tumbled on toward the Raritan Canal. \nHe was but a freshman, and she \xe2\x80\x94 fair one \n\xe2\x80\x94 was the buxom daughter of a tiller of the \nsoil. They had met at a Harvest Home. \n\n"Chauncey," she lisped, with the sweetest \nof Jersey accents, "why do they call that the \nMilky Way?" \n\nAnd she turned her light green eyes \ntoward the heavens. \n\n"Lizzie," he cried in ardent tones, as he \nclasped her to his boyish breast, "it is be- \ncause the stars are condensed there." \n\nJust then the moon went behind a cloud. \n\n22 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nCASEY IN LONDON. \n"One clay I was riding on top of a \'bns \nin London with my friend Casey. I was \nnearly worn out with several hours sight- \nseeing and the bustle and excitement of the \nLondon street, the hoi polloi, the Billings- \ngate and the din and rattle were becoming \nalmost unbearable when w T e came in sight \nof Westminster Abbey. Just as we did so, \nthe chimes burst forth in joyous melody, \nand I said to Casey, \'isn\'t it sublime? Isn\'t \nit glorious to hear those chimes pealing and \ndoesn\'t it inspire one with renewed vigor?\' \nCasey leaned over, with hand to his ear, and \nsaid, \'you\'ll have to speak a little louder, \nGeorge, I can\'t hear you.\' I said, \'those \nmagnificent chimes. Do you not hear them \npealing? Do they not imbue you with a \nfeeling of almost reverence? Do they not \nawaken tender memories of the past?\' \nCasey again leaned forward and said, \'I \ncan\'t hear you. You\'ll have to speak \nlouder.\' I got as close to him as possible \nand said, \'do you not hear the melodious \npealing of the chimes? Do they not recall \nthe salutation of old Trinity on a Sabbath \nmorning? Do they not take you back into \n23 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthe dim vistas of the past when the world \nwas young- and touch your heart with a \nfeeling of pathos?\' Casey put his -mouth \n\nclose to my ear and said, \'those d bells \n\nare makin\' such a h \xe2\x80\x94 11 of a racket, George, \nI can\'t hear you.\' " \n\n\xe2\x96\xa0 \xe2\x80\x94 G cor ere Fuller Golden. \n\n\n\nHULLY GEE, SWEET MARIE. \n\nThere is winter in the air, Sweet Marie; \n\nWe can see it everywhere, hully gee! \nIf I\'m going to take you out \nI shall have to hump about \nFor an ulster c/ercoat, Sweet Marie. \n\nHully gee, Sweet Marie; Sweet Marie, hully \n\ngee! \nI\'ve got to buy an ulster, don\'t you see? \nI adore you, don\'t you know, \nBut when the north winds blow, \nLove cannot exist on snow, Sweet Marie. \n\nYou have got upon your back, Sweet Marie; \n\nA brand new sealskin sack bought by me; \nIt will keep you safe from harm, \nFrom the cold winds and the storm. \n\nBut what\'s to keep me warm, Sweet Marie? \n\nDon\'t you see, Sweet Marie; \n\nSweet Marie, don\'t you see! \n\nHow I shiver like the leaves on the tree? \n\nLike the cuckoo and the wren, \n\nI will come to see you then \nWhen the robins nest again, Sweet Marie. \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 New York Sun. \n\n24 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\none day, \' said Mr \nwindow was open. \n\n\n\nHE CAUGHT THE EGG. \n\nR. FLANAGAN, of \nNew Jersey, told the \nfollowing story at a \npicnic of Patrons of \nHusbandry at Tuttle\'s \nGrove, near Morris- \ntown : \n\n"I was riding from \nBaltimore to Wash- \nington on a fast train \n\nFlanagan. "The car \nAs we passed another \n\n\n\n\nexpress train going in the opposite direction \na hen caught in the vortex between the two \ntrains was lifted in the air and slammed \nagainst the side of our car. As it struck \nan e gg" was cas t in at the open window \nand fell in my lap." \n\n"Of course it didn\'t break," said a cynic \namong the listeners. \n\n"It did not break," went on the Represen- \ntative. "Because of its premature appear- \nance the shell was not hard, but tough and \nleathery instead. I took it home and put it \nin an incubator and in time hatched out a \nfine chicken." \n\n25 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Did you observe in the egg\'s offspring \nany evidence of prenatal influences?" asked \nthe schoolmaster, shoving his glasses up on \nhis forehead. \n\n"Only this," said the Representative, \n"the chicken was a rooster, and whenever \nit tried to crow it whistled like a locomo- \ntive." \n\n\n\nDIDN\'T FIND HER HONEY. \n\nA young married woman from the South, \nwho was visiting New York a few days \nago with her husband, left him in their \nhotel room one morning while she went on \nan errand. She was not accustomed to big \nhotels nor to big New York, but she got \nback without mishap in half an hour and \nknocked at the door. There was no re- \nsponse. \n\n"Let me in, honey," said the young \nwoman knocking more vigorously. \n\nStill no response. \n\n"Honey, let me in," called the young \nwoman, redoubling her exertions. "Honey, \nhoney, let me in." \n\nShe rattled the knob and shook the door \nand pounded with both fists, but there was \n26 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthe silence of the grave on the other side. \nThe young woman\'s voice rose to half a \ncry. \n\n"Honey, aren\'t you there? I want to get \nin. Honey, open the door." \n\nThen arose from the other side of the \ndoor a deep, bass voice, with a resentful \nnote in it: \n\n"Madam," it said, "this is not a beehive. \nThis is a bathroom." \n\n\n\nYOUTHFUL DEPRAVITY. \n\n"Papa," he asked, "don\'t wasps build their \nnests of mud?" \n\n"They do, my son," said the father. \n\n"Are wasps good for anything?" \n\n"So far as we know, Willie, they are \nnot." \n\n"Then the mud is wasted, isn\'t it?" \n\n"I presume it is." \n\n"Then it\'s just like our Irene, isn\'t it?" \n\n"How so?" \n\n"Because it\'s wasp-wasted." \n\nAnd the strong man, who had always felt \nhopes that Willie some time would enter \nthe ministry, went out to the woodshed and \nwept. \n\n27 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nHOCH! DER KAISER. \n\nDer Kaiser of dis Fatherland \nUnd Gott on high all dings command. \nVe two \xe2\x80\x94 ach! Don\'t you understand? \nMyself\xe2\x80\x94 und Gott. \n\nVile some men sing der power divine, \nMine soldiers sing "Der Wacht am Rhine," \nUnd drink der health in Rhenish wine \nOf Me\xe2\x80\x94 und Gott. \n\nDere\'s France, she swaggers all aroundt \nShe\'s ausgespield \xe2\x80\x94 of no account. \nTo much we think she don\'t amount \xe2\x80\x94 \nMyself\xe2\x80\x94 und Gott. \n\nShe will not dare to fight again; \nBut if she shouldt, I\'ll show her Main \nDot Elsass und (in French) Lorraine \nAre mein \xe2\x80\x94 by Gott! \n\nDere\'s grandma dink\'s she\'s nicht small beer, \nMit Boers und such she interfere; \nShe\'ll learn none owns dis hemisphere \nBut me \xe2\x80\x94 und Gott! \n\nShe dink\'s, goot frau, fine ships she\'s got, \nUnd soldiers mit dere scarlet coat \xe2\x80\x94 \nAch! We could knock dem \xe2\x80\x94 Pouf! like that- \nMyself\xe2\x80\x94 mit Gott. \n\nIn dimes of peace brebare for wars \xe2\x80\x94 \nI bear the spear and helm of Mars, \nUnd care not for a thousand Czars \xe2\x80\x94 \nMyself\xe2\x80\x94 mit Gott! \n\nIn fact, I humor efery whim, \nWith aspect dark and visage grim; \nGott pulls mit me, and I mit Him \xe2\x80\x94 \nMyself\xe2\x80\x94 und Gott. \n28 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nA SLIP. \n\nE was telling the \nstory of the engaged \nyoung man who stop- \nped at the home of \nhis sweetheart on his \nway to business one \nmorning just to hold \nher hand for a mo- \nment. \n\n"The young man \nrang the bell," said \nthe story teller, "and \nasked the maid to an- \nnounce him. Pretty \nsoon the girl poked her head out of the \nbathroom door and cried, \'Hello ! Jack, \ndear !\' \'Hello Y Jack called out. \'Come on \ndown.\' \'I can\'t, Jack, I\'m er \xe2\x80\x94 well, I\'m in \nmy bath.\' \'But I won\'t keep you a mo- \nment.\' \'I haven\'t er \xe2\x80\x94 got \xe2\x80\x94 er \xe2\x80\x94 anything \non, Jack,\' was the hesitating reply. \'Well,\' \nsaid Jack, \'slip on something and come \ndown.\' \n\n"So," concluded the story teller, "she \nslipped on the top step and came down." \nEverybody laughed, but one man. He \n29 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nlooked as though in deep thought for a \nsecond and then cried : "You don\'t get me \nto bite on that gag." \n\n\n\nWANTED TO ACQUIT HIM. \n\nA man arrested for murder bribed an \nIrishman on the jury with a hundred dol- \nlars to hang out for a verdict of man- \nslaughter. The jury were out a long time \nand finally came in with a verdict of man- \nslaughter. The man rushed up to the Irish \njuror and said, "I\'m obliged to you, my \nfriend. Did you have a hard time?" "Yes," \nsaid the Irish. "A h \xe2\x80\x94 11 of a time. The \nother -eleven wanted to acquit yer." \n\n\n\nECONOMY. \n\nA Hebrew was killed in a railroad acci- \ndent, and when taken to the undertakers it \nwas discovered by an address in his pocket \nthat he was the senior member of a large \nclothing house in New York, so the under- \ntaker telegraphs to his partner, in sending \nhome the body, if he shall embalm it for \n$50 or freeze it fop 25. The partner an- \nswered : "Freeze him from his knees up for \n$15, as his feet was frostbitten last winter." \n\n30 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTO HIS ADVANTAGE? \n\nI was recently in a street car accident at \n14th street and Third avenue. The next \nday I read a notice in the morning Journal \nwhich sa ; d; "If the Irishman who was rid- \ning in the street car at the time of the col- \nlision at 14th street and Third avenue will \ncall at 2219 97th street (that\'s two blocks \nthis side of Albany) he will learn some- \nthing to his advantage. "Well I didn\'t \nhave car fare so I walked out to 2219 97th \nstreet and rang the bell. A man came to \nthe door and I said, "are you the man that \nput the advertisement in the paper?" He \nsaid, "yes, were you in the car?" I told \nhim I was and he said, "well did you find \na pair of spectacles?" \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 John Keniell. \n\n\n\nMRS. MURPHY\'S SARCASM. \n\n"Mrs. Moorphy, ye certainly are no lady. \nThe way yez jumped into my b y Dinny an\' \nall fur just hollerin\' \'Rats !\' shows to me \nmoind that you are a dangerous characth- \ner." \n\n"Be aisy wid yer tongue there, Mrs. \nRiordan. Oi\'m nathrally as paceful as a \n31 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor, \n\n\n\ngoat, but don\'t you say another worrud av \nan oncomplimentary nature. It\'s bad \nenough to have to own yez for a neighbor, \nso it is, widout havin\' havin\' to shtand an\' \nbe talked to by yez." \n\n" Never you mind that. It\'s an honor \nye don\'t deserve. An\' Oi\'m thinkin\' very \nseriously of puttin\' the police on to \nyour thrack." \n\n"Well as for that, Mrs. Riordan, I niver \nhad any dalin\'s wid the police, but av I \nwanted an introduction to \'em I don\'t know \nav any wan that would be better qualified \nby long acquaintance to give it than your \nown self, Mrs. Riordan. Good day till \nyez." \n\n\n\nWHY BELLE ARCHER WAS KISSED. \n\nOnce when Belle Archer was in a Buf- \nfalo hotel, a bellboy came up to her in the \nhall, threw his arms around her and kissed \nher. A few minutes later he tapped softly \nat the door of her room. "Come in," cried \nthe actress. The boy staggered in and said \ntearfully : " \'Scuse me, lady, I begs your \npardon; but \xe2\x80\x94 but I thought youse wuz de \nchambermaid." Miss Archer forgave him. \n32 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPROBLEM SOLVED IN SWEDEN. \n\nHe laughed. Oh, how he laughed. It \nwas a great joke. \n\n"At last," he said, "I\'ve found a place \nwhere they have women sized up just right. \nShe isn\'t a complete human being." \n\n"She isn\'t !" she exclaimed warmly. \n\n"No. In Sweden where they\'ve figured \nthe problem out, a man is the unit of value \nand a woman counts for only half," he ex- \nplained. "When a man travels he pays full \nfare on the railroad and full rates at the \nhotels, while if he takes his wife along the \ntwo of them are charged up as only one \nand a half persons. You see the logical \ndeduction?" \n\n"I do," she answered. "And when a \nwoman travels alone she is charged full rate \nfor one person, while if her husband hap- \npens to be along the rate is for one and a \nhalf persons. The husband, therefore \xe2\x80\x94 \xe2\x80\x94 " \n\nHe stopped laughing. \n\n"I always did think," he announced em- \nphatically, "that a woman has a most per- \nverted sense of humor and a most extraordi- \nnary method of reasoning." \n\n"But if you really want to get at relative \n33 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor \n\n\n\nvalues," she persisted, "why, just consider \nthe matrimonial market. Man is quoted at \na high figure in that only when he has a \ntitle, while woman brings the top price with- \nout one." \n\n"Oh, well," he said to himself, as he \nslammed the door behind him, "what\'s the \nuse of arguing with a woman anyhow?" \xe2\x80\x94 \n\n\n\nIRISH vs. GERMAN. \n\n"Did you ever notice the difference be- \ntween a German picnic and an Irish picnic? \nThe Germans meet at the hall and march \nright out to the picnic. Do the Irish do \nthat? Not on your life. They\'ve got to \nmarch around town about three hours. \nEvery man in the procession wants to pass \nhis own house." \n\n"At a German picnic if one man gets ex- \ncited and calls another a liar, the friends \nof the two get around, some one orders \nbeer and the two men shake hands and join \nin a song. At an Irish picnic if one man \ncalls another a liar, that\'s your cue to climb \na tree. There\'s no glass of beer ever goin ; \nto square that." \n\n/. W. Kelly. \n34 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nTOO MUCH MOUTH. \n\nWEALTHY young \nlady called at the \nundertaker\'s and \nidentified a corpse \nas her father. She \ngave orders for \nelaborate burial. \nJust as she was \nleaving, she took a \nlast look and ob- \nserved that the low- \ner jaw had fallen, \nexposing a set of false teeth. "That\'s not \nmy father," said the young lady, and im- \nmediately left. \n\nThe undertaker yanked the body out of \na handsome coffin, slapped it down on the \nslab and said to it: "You d \xe2\x80\x94 fool! If \nyou\'d kept your mouth shut, you\'d got a \nfirst-class funeral." \n\n\n\n\nA FAST HORSE. \n\nAn Irishman sells a horse to a Hebrew, \nassuring him he is a fast horse. Cohen \nbuys him, has him insured, and next day \nhitches him up to his wagon, but discovers \n\n35 \n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor. \n\nhe is balky and will not start. A bystander \nsuggests that he build a fire under the \nhorse, which he does, but burns up the \nwagon, and still the horse will not go. He \ncalls a doctor and he injects a fluid and the \nhorse runs away out of sight. Cohen turns \nto the doctor and pleads to have some of \nthe same so he can catch the horse. \n\n\n\nEQUIVALENT. \n\n"My friend Casey, had a friend named \nSullivan, who was very sick, and as there \nwas no one else available Casey told the \nphysician that he would sit up with him. \nWell, the doctor told Casey to administer \na powder at 10 o\'clock and to give him just \nwhat he could get on a dime and no more. \nHe took a dime from his pocket and showed \nCasey the necessary portion and cautioned \nhim against giving an overdocc. Casey \nsaid he understood and the doctor left \xe2\x80\x94 of \ncourse without leaving the dime. The \nnext morning when he called he found the \nman dead. He said to Casey, \'did you give \nhim the dose I prescribed?\' Casey said, \n\'of course I did. I didn\'t have a dime so I \nput it on two nickels.\' " \n\n36 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nHOW IT FELT. \n\nThe girl was very rich and the young \nman was poor but honest. She liked him, \nbut that was all, and he knew it. One \nnight he had been a little more tender than \nusual. \n\n"You are very rich," he ventured. \n\n"Yes," she replied frankly. "I am \nworth one million two hundred and fifty \nthousand dollars." \n\n"And I am poor." \n\n"Yes." \n\n"Will you marry me?" \n\n"No." \n\n"I thought you wouldn\'t." \n\n"Then why did you ask me?" \n\n"Oh, just to see how a man feels when he \nloses one million two hundred and fifty \nthousand dollars." \n\n\n\nPARALYZING. \n\n"That\'s a right smart little gal of yours," \nsaid a benevolent-looking old gentleman on \na Western railroad to a lady sitting :n front \nof him. "I\'ve been watching her for some \ntime." \n\n"Yes, I have noticed you," x*.mai:ked the \n37 \n\n\n\n^\xe2\x80\x94 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nlady; "you have children of you* own, per- \nhaps; but I daresay yours are all grown." \n\n"No\'m ; I\'ve some grown up, but I\'ve got \na little tot to home only eight months old, \nand another one a year old, and one fo\'teen \nmonths, and one two years old, and a pair \no\' real cunnin\' twins two years and a half \nold, and a boy of three and a little gal the \nsame age. Then there\'s Mary, an\' Arvilly, \nan\' Jonas, an\' William Henry, an\' Peter, \nand Salviny, an\' Antoynetty, an\' Victoriay, \nan\' Wellington, \'an Charles Summer, an\' \nAngeliny, an\' Cyrus, an\' Naomy, an\' Ruth, \n\nan\' Diany an\' . I have to git off at this \n\nstation to take the Salk Lake train. If \nyou should ever be out in btah come an\' \nsee the children. There\'s some I ain\'t \nnamed. \xe2\x80\x94 Good bye !" \n\n\n\nMAN, POOR MAN. \n\nBefore a man\'s married he\'s a dude; \nafter marriage he\'s subdued. Before mar- \nriage he has no buttons on his shirt ; after \nmarriage he has no shirt. Before mar- \nriage he swears he would not marry the \nbest woman in the world; after marriage \nhe finds that he hasn\'t. \n\n38 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nTHE TOAST. \n\nRANKLIN \n\n\n\n\nB- \n\n\n\nhas just return- \ned from an ex- \ntended Western \ntrip tells the fol- \nlowing : \n\n\'\'Recently in \nLos Angeles five \nprominent gen- \ntlemen of for- \neign birth hap- \npened to meet. \nOne was a Russian, one a Turk, \none a Frenchman, one an American, \nand one an Englishman. These gen- \ntlemen became bosom friends, and finally a \nchampagne supper was proposed, at which \neach gentleman, to be in keeping with the \ntimes, was to give a toast to his native \ncountry, the one giving the best to be at \nno expense for the wine. Here are the \ntoasts given : \n\nThe Russian \xe2\x80\x94 "Here\'s to the stars and \nbars of Russia, that were never pulled \ndown." \n\nThe Turk \xe2\x80\x94 "Here\'s to the moons of Tur- \n39 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nkey, whose wings were never clipped." \n\nThe Frenchman \xe2\x80\x94 "Here\'s to the cock of \nFrance, whose feathers were never picked." \nThe American \xe2\x80\x94 "Here\'s to the stars and \nstripes of America, never trailed in de- \nfeat." \n\nThe Englishman \xe2\x80\x94 "Here\'s to the rampin\' \nroarin\' lion of Great Britain, that tore down \nthe stars and bars of Russia, clipped the \nwings of Turkey, picked the feathers off \nthe cock of France and ran like h \xe2\x80\x94 11 from \nthe stars and stripes of the United States \nof America." \n\n\n\nGREAT HEAD. \n\nTwo peddlers came from Jerusalem \npeddling suspenders. It was agreed who- \never died the first was to have five thousand \ndollars put in his coffin. One died,,, der \nother fellow vouldn\'t put der money in. \nHe couldn\'t sleep. He vent and consulted \na Rabbi. Der Rabbi says, "put in der five \nthousand dollars, or you\'ll never have a \nday\'s rest." Der Rabbi met him two veeks \naftervards and says, "Isaacs, vat did you \nput in, silver, gold or bills?" He says, "I \nput in a check." \n\n40 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA YANKEE AT THE THEATRE. \n\nOn a certain occasion, at a certain drama- \ntic temple, a farce was in course of repre- \nsentation, and had just reached the scene \nwhere the lovers enters seeking, almost dis- \ntracted, his lady love. \n\n"Where, oh Heaven ? where has my Julia \nfled?" exclaimed the actor, in despairing \naccents. \n\nA specimen of the genus Yankee, in the \npit, now exhibited symptoms of impatience, \nand as the actor repeated nis impassioned \ninquiry, he was answered by our Yankee \nwith : \n\n"Right behind you, you darn fool, in the \ntater patch!" \n\nThe effect of this can be better imagined \nthan described. The applause was tre- \nmendous. \n\n\n\nNORMA WHALLEY\'S PARROT. \n\nMiss Norma Whalley has a parrot, call- \ned "Sphinx" because of the silence he has \ninsisted on maintaining ever since he ar- \nrived at the residence of his mistress. The \nsilence was taken by all concerned to mean \nmere reserve, owing to short acquaintance. \n41 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nThis mist has been dispelled for he made \none remark the other night that leads those \nwho heard it to believe him to be a demon. \n\nThere were a number of visitors present \nand poker stories were in order. The par- \nrot listened gravely while one woman re- \nlated how her husband had held up the \neight, nine, and ten of spades and caught \nthe jack and seven, and the wise fowl mere- \nly perked his green and red tail feathers \nwhen some one else told of winning a big \npot on a pair of jacks with eight people \nin the game. One man\'s narrative was of \nstaying in a pot where everybody took two \ncards, and holding up an ace of diamonds, \nhe drew three more single spots to it. \n\nThe parrot broke the calm, "Oh, my God ! \nIsn\'t it awful warm?" and not a word has \nbeen said since. \n\n\n\nWANTED PROTECTION. \n\n"Is this a fire insurance office?" \n"Yes, sir; can we write you some insur- \nance?" \n\n"Perhaps you can. You see, my employ- \ner threatens to fire me next Saturday, and \nFa like some protection." \n42 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nBUT ONE BILLY BIRCH. \n\nHE late Billy Birch, the \nold time minstrel, had just \nrecovered frcm a severe \nillness. He met a friend \nwho owns a trotter, and \nwho offered the use of it \nto Birch, saying that tjie \nexercise of a ride would do him good. \n\nBirch accepted the offer and ordered the \nhorse hitched to a light road wagon. He \ndrove slowly down Lexington avenue. \nThe horse pranced about in a lively man- \nner, and at times evinced a disposition to \nuse both sides of the street. \n\nAt last a train came hissing through the \ntunnel, and the horse took the bit in his \nmouth and bolted. Here is where Birch \nconcluded that he was no Jehu, for he \nwrapped the lines about the whip and de- \nli Derate\'iy climbed over the back of the seat. \nHe did not stop at this, and soon his short \nlegs were dangling over the tail-board of \nthe wagon. He dropped off, rolled over in \nthe mud several times, got up, pulled down \nhis vest and remarked to a policeman: \n"I made a hit that time eh ?" \n\n43 \n\n\n\n^^^^m^^mmt \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nThe officer then took him to task for not \nholding on to his horse, but Birch shook \nhis head and said reflectively, "There\'s lots \nof horses and buggies in this world, most \nnoble guardian of the law, but I\'ll give you \na quiet tip that there\'s is but one Billy \nBirch." \n\n\n\nA BUSINESS TRANSACTION. \n\nA wretched looking tramp went into a \nsaloon and begged with tears in his eyes for \nthe barkeeper to give him a nickel with \nwhich to get something to eat. He got it. \nAs soon as he got it in his hand he slapped \nit down on the bar, and said, n a loud voci- \nferous, peremptory tone of voice: \n\n"Beer!" \n\nIt was several minutes before the bar- \nkeeper could catch his breath, and then he \nwas eloquent. \n\n"Well, if that ain\'t gall I hope I may nev- \ner live to see any. Why, you \xe2\x80\x94 you \xe2\x80\x94 you, \netc." \n\n"No speeches. Begging is my business, \n\nand beer- jerking is yours. You attend to \n\nyour business, and I\'ll attend to mine. It is \n\ngoing to be a cold winter, and if you want \n\n44 \n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor. \n\nto keep your job you had better attend to \nit," said the mendicant. \n\nThe partially paralyzed barkeeper hand- \ned him out the schooner, the tramp downed \nit slowly and drifted out, perfectly satisfied \nwith that little business transaction. \n\n\n\n"What did the egg come from?" \n\n"The hen." \n\n"What did the hen come from?" \n\n"The egg." \n\n"Well, which got here first?" \n\n\n\nHUGGING THE SHORE. \n\nI went one day to sail in a yacht \n\nWith the very best girl I had, \nAnd indeed I was thankful at my lot, \n\nWhich you\'ll see was not at all bad. \n\nThe sea ran high far away outside; \n\nAnd as, in the sea\'s dread lore, \nI was not well versed, I concluded to glide \n\nNear by, so I hugged the shore. \n\nAnon, as the twilight round us fell, \n\nI spooned with the lively maid, \nAnd what I did but the stars could tell, \n\nAnd they will not, I\'m afraid. \n\nAnd anon again I asked her to show \n\nHow a maid could a man adore; \nAnd she showed me how till I could but know, \n\nAnd again I hugged the show-er. \n\n45 \n\n\n\n\xe2\x84\xa2 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA NARROW ESCAPE. \n\nTopnoody made up his mind that he was \nnot going to be bossed any longer by his \nwife so he went home at noone and called \nout imperiously : \'\'Mrs. Topnoody ! Mrs. \nTopnoody !" Mrs. T. came out of the kitch- \nen with a drop of sweat on the end of her \nnose, a dish-rag tied around her head, and \na rolling-pin in her hand. "Well, sir," she \nsaid, "what\'ll you have ?" Topnoody stag- \ngered, but braced up. "Mrs. Topnoody, \nI want ou to understand, madam" \xe2\x80\x94 and he \ntapped his breast dramatically \xe2\x80\x94 " I am the \nengineer of this establishment." "Oh, you \nare, are you? Well, Topnoody, I want you \nto understand that I" \xe2\x80\x94 and she looked dan- \ngerous \xe2\x80\x94 "am the boiler that will blow up \nand sling the engineer clear over into the \nnext county. Do you hear the steam escap-, \ning Topnoody?" Topnoody heard it, and \nhe meekly inquired if there was any as- \nsistance he could render in the housework. \n\n\n\n\'Where\'s your sister?" \n\n\'Over in London, living high. Where\'s \n\n\n\nyours ?\' \n\n\n\n"Over in Proctor\'s, living pictures." \n\n4 6 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nCHEEK. \n\nILLY W tells the \n\nthe following story : A \nHebrew entered the \nstore of Dr. Vineberg, \nthe Albany optician, \nand said : "Meester, I \nvant to get my eyes tested fur a pair of \nglasses." \n\nWell, Doc sits him in a chair and places \na card about 15 feet away from him and \nsays : "Can you read that plainly ?" \n\n"I can\'t do it, Meester," says the Hebrew. \nDoc pushes it to within about 10 feet of \nhim and says : "Can you read it now ?" \n"No, I can\'t," says the Hebrew. \nDoc sticks the card under his nose and \nsays : "Well, can you read it now ?" \n\n"No," says the Hebrew, "I never learned \nto read." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 /. W. Hartman. \n\n\n\nCASEY\'S DISCOVERY. \n\nThere is a well-known saloon in Brook- \nlyn which has three entrances. Casey en- \nters and the bartender refuses to serve \nhim because he is intoxicated. After an ar- \n47 \n\n\n\nMM \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\ngument Casey leaves the saloon and soon \ndiscovers the second entrance. He goes in \nand looks at the bartender with considera- \nble surprise and again calls for a drink and \nis again refused. He leaves, but soon c\xc2\xaemes \nback through the third entrance. He walks \nup to the bar unsteadily and looking the \nbartender in the face says disgustedly, "Say, \ndo you own all the saloons in town ?" \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 /. W. Kelly. \n\n\n\nA STORY OF A KISS. \n\nA man was walking along one road and \na woman along another. The roads finally \nunited into one, and reaching the point \nof junction at the same time, they walked \non together. The man was carrying a large \niron kettle on his back ; in one hand he held \nthe legs of a live chicken, in the other a \ncane, and he was leading a goat. They \nneared a dark ravine. Said the woman : \n"I am afraid to go through that ravine with \nyou; it is a lonely place, and you might \noverpower me and kiss me by force." Said \nthe man : "How can I possibly overpower \nyou and kiss you by force when I have this \ngreat iron kettle on my back, a cane in one \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n* \nhand, a live chicken in the other, and am \nleading this goat? I might as well be tied \nhand and foot." "Yes," replied the woman; \n"but if you should stick your cane in the \nground and tie your goat to it, and turn the \nkettle bottom-side up and put the chicken \nunder it, then you might wickedly kiss me \nin spite of my resistance." "Success to thy \ningenuity. O woman !" said the rejoicing \nman to himself: "I should never have \nthought of this or similar expedients." And \nwhen they came to the ravine he stuck his \ncane into the ground and tied the goat \nto it, and gave the chicken to the woman, \nsaying : "Hold it while I cut some grass \nfor the goat," and then \xe2\x80\x94 so runs the le- \ngend \xe2\x80\x94 lowering the kettle from his shoul- \nders he put the fowl under it and wickedly \nkissed the woman, as she was afraid he \nwould. \n\n\n\nHenry Parker is absent minded. One \nday he ran against a cow. He raised his \nhat and said : "I beg your pardon, Madam." \nSoon after he stumbled against a lady. \nWithout looking up he said : "Is that you \nagain, you brute ?" \n\n49 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPARTIAL SUCCESS. \n\n"I thought I had hit on a great scheme \nnot long ago," said the fat man. \n\n"What was it?" asked the man with the \nstraw-colored vest. \n\n"Why, a fellow down in the country had \noccasion to send me $35 by mail. Now, you \nknow, it is a well-known fact that money \ncan be detected in an envelope by the smell. \nSo I wrote to him to perfume the letter in \norder that the scent of the money could not \nbe noticed." \n\n"Urn. How did it work?" \n\n"Oh, the letter got through all right, but \nthe idiot addressed it to the house. And the \nletter being scented, my wife opened it and \nI only got $15 out of the $35." \n\n\n\nFLY SOUP. \n\nMr. Rosenzki took his boy to a restau- \nrant last week to get a bowl of soup. \nJakey commenced to eat it, and he grabbed \nhis father by the coar and he says, \n"papa, there\'s fly in der soup." Papa \nsays, "eat der soup and vait till, you come \ndown to der fly, tell de vaiter and he\'ll give \nyou another bowl for nothing." \n\n50 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nHER TOP SHEET. \n\nRANK B , the popular \n\nsalesman, tells the following \ntrue story : "One learns many \nstrange uses and misuses of \nthings at country inns, but let \nus hope that the experience \nrelated by a friend of mine as \nhaving happened to himself is \na rare one. He had gone to bed in an \nIrish inn, bidding the landlady to have him \ncalled at 8. At 6, however, next morning \nshe knocked at his door. \n"Ye\'ve to git up," she said. \n"What o\'clock is it?" \n"Six, Surr." \n\n"Go away, I am not going to get up \ntill 8." \n\nAt 7 she reappeared. "Indade, and ye \nmust get up now, it\'s 7." Finding him \nunmoved at her next return, she said : "Git \nup, there\'s a sweet gintelman; there\'s two \ncommercial gentlemen waiting for their \nbreakfast, and I can\'t lay the cloth till I \nhave yer honor\'s top sheet." \n\n\n\nA lady was walking along market street, \n51 \n\n\n\ni^^BMMB \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nin San Francisco, holding a little girl by the \nhand, who showed all the symptoms of hav- \ning a flea on her somewhere. A newsboy \nrushed up and exclaimed "Examiner! Ex- \naminer ! !" "I\'ll wait till I get home, I \nguess," said the lady, reflectively. \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Charles R. Sweet. \n\n\n\nA SEA HORSE. \n\n"Say, Captain," said a fresh young man \non a Sound steamer, "What\'s that thing \nover there?" \n\n"A hawser," was the brief reply. \n\n"A horse ? Dear me ! What do you \nuse it for, Captain?" \n\n"Well, when fools like you get tired of \nsailing we just put a saddle on it and let \nthem ride ashore," growled the gruff old \nmariner. \n\n\n\n"What must a man be that he shall be \nburied with military honors?" \n"He must be a Captain." \n"Then I lose the bet." \n"What did you bet?" \n"I bet he must be dead." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Dave War-field. \n52 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nHE GOT THE JOB. \n\nA few years ago, into a large grocery \nstore in New York walked a tall, muscular- \nlooking, raw-boned man, evidently a fresh- \ncomer from some back town in Maine or \nNew Hampshire. Accosting the first per- \nson he met, who happened to be the mer- \nchant himself, he said : \n\n"You don\'t want to hire a man in your \nstore, do you?" \n\n"Well," said the merchant, "I don\'t \nknow; what can you do?" \n\n"Do!" said the man, "I rather guess I \ncan turn my hand to almost anything. What \ndo you want done?" \n\n"Well, if I were to hire a man, it would \nbe one that could lift well, a strong wiry \nfellow \xe2\x80\x94 one, for instance, that could should- \ner a sack of coffee, like that yonder, and \ncarry it across the store twice and never lay \nit down." \n\n"There, now, captin," said our country- \nman, "that\'s just me. What will you give \na man that can suit you?" \n\n"I tell you," said the merchant, "if you \nwill shoulder that sack of coffee, and carry \nit across the store twice and never lay it \n53 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humo\'Y. \n\ndown, I will hire you for a year, at $100 \nper month. \n\n"Done!" said the stranger; and by this \ntime every clerk in the store had gathered \naround and were waiting to join in the \nlaugh against the man, who, walking to the \nsack, threw it across his shoulder with per- \nfect ease, as it was not extremely heavy, \nand walking with it twice across the store, \nwent quietly to a large hook which was \nfastened to the wall, and hanging the sack \nupon it, turned to the merchant and said : \n\n"There, now, it may hang there till \ndoomsday ; I shan\'t never lay it down. What \nshall I go about, mister? Just give me \nplenty to do and $100 a month, and it\'s all \nright." \n\n"The clerks broke into a laugh, but it \nwas out of the other side of their mouths; \nand the merchant, discomfitted yet satisfied, \nkept to his agreement, and today the green \ncountryman is the senior partner in the firm \nand worth half a million dollars. \n\n\n\nCohen left the ball-game because he said \nthe umpire looked right at him when he \ncalled "three balls !" \n\n54 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nOBSERVATIONS. \n\nGOT off a train at a \nsmall town the other \nday and I said to an \nIrishman standing near \nthe depot, \'\'what do yon \nthink of that? Every- \nbody on that train I just \ngot off is a republican. \nThere isn\'t a democrat \non the train." "Oh," \nsaid the Irishman, "what does that train \namount to ! Wait \'till the gravel train comes \nup." \n\nSpeaking of Irishmen, the other day I \nmet an Irishman dressed in black. I said : \n"Where have you been?" He said: "To a \nfuneral." "Whose?" I asked. "I dunno," \nsaid he, "I only went for the ride." \n\nThe other day I offered my seat in the \nstreet car to an Irishwoman. I said, "Sit \ndown, won\'t you ?" She said : "No, thank \nyou. I\'m in a hurry." \n\n\n\n\nA painter, who fell off a scaffold with a \npot of paint in each hand said : "well, I came \ndown with flying colors, anyhow." \n\n55 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"GOT HIM DAR." \n\nThere is an old negro in Austin, who \nclaims to have studied "flosify outen a \nbook." He propounds unanswerable ques- \ntions to the lawyers whose rooms he cleans, \nand he discusses "pints o\' law" with the \njustice of the peace of his precinct. Yes- \nterday he went into the justice court and \nsaid : "Jedge, kin I git a \'dictment writ agin \ndat wufflless nigger, Pete?" \n\n"What\'s he been doing?" \n\n"He\'s a procrastimator. He\'s bin a pro- \ncrastimatin\', sah!" \n\n"Procastinating ?" \n\n"Yes, sah, dat\'s what he\'s bin doin\' fur \na fac\'." \n\n"But there\'s no law against that." \n\n"No law agin procrastimation ? Den \nwhat\'s de law fur? Ain\'t procrastimation \nde thief ob time?" \n\n"Certainly, I believe it has been so stat- \ned." \n\n"Well, den, ain\'t Pete a thief?" \n\n"Yes, you might so construe it, but you \ncannot convict a man for stealin\' time." \n\n"No, but, when we hab got de proof on \nhim fur stealin\' time, we hab got de circum- \n56 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nstantial ebidence agin him fur stealin\' mon- \ney, fur don\'t flossify say dat time am mon- \ney? Got yer dar, jedge." \n\nAnd, while the judge and the lawyers \ngroaned, the old man went out chuckling \nto himself: "Got him dar. Got de jedge \ndis time suah yer a foot high." \n\n\n\nSUCH A LIAR. \n\nCasey and Riley agreed to settle their dis- \npute by a fight and it was understood that \nwhoever wanted to quit should say \n"enough." Casey got Riley down and was \nhammering him unmercifully, when Riley \ncalled out several times "enough !" As \nCasey paid no attention, but kept on admin- \nistering punishment, a bystander said, "Why \ndon\'t you let him up? Don\'t you hear him \nsay that he\'s got enough?" "I do," says \nCasey, "but he\'s such a liar, you can\'t be- \nlieve him." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 John E. Drew. \n\n\n\n"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when \nhe died?" \n\n"Well, he certainly had a good chance. \nIn fact he had the greatest show on earth." \n\n57 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nFRENCH FUN. \n\nA man very much excited burst into M. \nPasteur\'s laboratory the other day. \n\n"Oh, Doctor," he cried, I have been bit- \nten !" \n\n"By a dog?" asked Pasteur. \n\n"No; worse than that." \n\n"By a cat?" \n\n"A kind of cat. But oh, Doctor, can you \ncure me?" \n\n"It was a wolf, then." \n\n"Not a wolf, but much worse. It was \ni . mother-in-law!" \n\n"In that case," said Pasteur, turning to \nhis work, "nothing can be done." \n\n\n\nHIS GOOD LUCK. \n\nAn Irishman, in order to celebrate the \nadvent of a new era, went out on a lark. He \ndidn\'t get home till 3 o\'clock in the morn- \ning, and was barely in the house before a \nnurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of \nsoft goods, showed him triplets. The Irish- \nman looked up at the clock, which said 3, \nthen at three of a kind in the nurse\'s arms, \nand said : Oi\'m not superstitious, but thank \nHivens thot Oi didn\'t come home at twilve !" \n\n58 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA DOMESTIC TRAGEDN; \nOW sorrow came into \nthat little home. \n"I shall never forgive \nhim! Never! Never!" \nshe cried. \n\nThen she threw her- \nself upon a divan and \nwept bitterly. There \n\nwas a ring at the door bell. \n\n"Ah, my dear mother, is it you?" she \nexclaimed as a woman of commanding pres- \nence entered the room. \n\n"It is I," was the answer. "Why do I \nfind you weeping?" \n\n"I have been cruelly treated by the man \nwhom I trusted \xe2\x80\x94 the man whom we led \xe2\x80\x94 \nwho led me to the altar." \n"Has he struck you?" \n"Worse !" \n\n"Deserted you? Left you to face poverty \nalone?" \n\n"Worse. \xe2\x80\xa2 He asked me to mend his \ntrousers." \n"And you." \n\n"I refused. And now \xe2\x80\x94 oh, horrors \xe2\x80\x94 I \ncannot tell it." \n\n59 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\' Speak my child, speak." \n"He has worn my bicycle bloomers down \nto his office." \nWretch !" \n\n\n\nNOT HIS FAULT. \n\nOne day this week the Senate did not \nmeet at noon. The hands of the clock were \nat least three minutes past the hour of 12 \nwhen the chaplain lifted his voice in the \nopening prayer. And all because Senator \nFrye was telling a story to the preacher. \n\n"When I was up in Maine recently," \nsaid Mr. Frye, "I was summoned to pre- \npare a will for a man who was very ill. It \nwas necessary, of course, to secure two wit- \nnesses, and they had to be sent for. While \nwe were waiting for them to arrive the man \nseemed to get worse, and I thought it my \nduty, no minister being present, to talk se- \nriously to him. I told him that he was \nvery ill and that it was likely he would soon \ndepart this life. \n\nu \'And are you ready to meet this great \nchange?\' I asked him. \n\n" \'I will be,\' was the reply, \'as soon as \nthose d\xe2\x80\x94 d witnesses get here*\' " \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"FWAS WOLLEN SIE HABEN." \n\nMrs. O\'Flaherty \xe2\x80\x94 An\' fwhat sames to be \nthe matter wid the Colonel, Mrs. O\'Raher- \nty? I did hear him gruntin\' siveral toimes \ndurin\' the day. \n\nMrs. O\'Raherty\xe2\x80\x94 Indade, Mrs. O\'Flaher- \nty it\'s very sick the Colonel is. He did fall \nin wid very bad company yiste\'day. As he \nwas comin\' from church he did stop in a \nsaloon beyant, an\' wan of the fellies he says \nto the Colonel, says he : \n\n\'You understand some German, I be- \nlave?\' \'Troth, an\' it\'s a big fool I would \nbe, says the Colonel, \'if I wouldn\'t under- \nstand some Ditch after being wurruckin\' \non the sthrates wid \'em fur over twinty \nyears.\' \n\n" \'Then,\' said the felly, "fwhat\'s the Eng- \nlish av "Fwas wollen sie haben?" \n\n" \'Fwhat will ye have?\' said the Colonel. \n\n"An\' then ivery man in the house did \nyell \'Beer !\' An\' av coorse the Colonel did \nhave to set thim up to the whole house ; an\' \nso on did they kape catchin\' ivery wan \nthat did come in wid their \'Fwas wollen sie \nhaben?\' until the whole town samed to be \ndroonk; an\' a sicker mon there niver was \n61 \n\n\n\n\xe2\x96\xa0HH1 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthan the Colonel was all last noight an\' the \nwhole av the day. It\'s a great shame it is \nto be ropin\' in innicint men wid sich Dutch \nas that." \n\n\n\nA NEW WAY TO GET MONEY. \n\nSolomon Isaacs vas going- around last \nveek in a synagogue collecting money to \nbuild a new Hebrew orphan asylum, soon \nas he got a hat full he tried to sneak out \nof der door mit it. Der Rabbi grabb\'d him \nand says, "Solomon, if you go out that \ndoor mit that hat full of money you\'ll be \n\nd m\'d." A Jew boy got up and says, \n\n"If he ain\'t going out mit\' it, I\'ll be \nd m\'d." \n\n\n\nFROM SOLE TO UPPER. \n\n"What is this leathery stuff?" the diner \nasked, when the second course of the din- \nner was served. \n\n"That is a filet of sole, sir," replied the \nwaiter. \n\n"Take it away," said the diner, after at- \ntacking it with his fork, "and see if you \ncan\'t get me a nice tender piece of the upper, \nwith the buttons removed." \n62 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nWHAT KILLED THE PARROT. \n\nHEN I was in New York \na few weeks ago I saw a \nman walkng along Len- \nox avenue carrying a \nparrot in a cage. \n\n"What you got there?" \nI asked. \n\n"Parrot; I\'m taking it home to my wife. \nShe always wanted one.\'\' \n\n"I hope you\'ll have better luck than I did \nwith one I gave my wife." \n"What happened to it?" \n"Don\'t know my wife, do you?" \n"No." \n\n"Neither did the parrot. It wanted to \ntalk during the daytime and couldn\'t get a \nchance while my wife was around, so it \nstayed awake at night to do its talking, and \nthe poor thing died of insomnia before two \nweeks." \n\n\n\nHIS REMEDY. \n\n"You are bothered a great deal by insects, \nare you not?" asked Colonel Sumpter Mc- \nBride, who is visiting New York. \n\n"The fleas pester us some, but I\'ve got a \n\n63 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nway of getting rid of \'em when they get \ntoo thick in the house." \n\n"How do you manage \xe2\x80\x94 insect powder?" \n"No, I\'ve got a better plan than that. I \ngive a party, and invite all the neighbors, \nand my fleas all go off on the women," and \nthe old reprobate chuckled for fifteen \nminutes. \n\n\n\nA SURE WINNER. \n\nA Tout says to Goldberg, "I have a sure \nthing," but don\'t tell anyone or the book- \nmakers will get on and down goes the odds. \nGoldberg goes up to a bookmaker and wants \nto bet $50, and of course is asked the name \nof the horse he wants to back. Vat do you \ntink I vas? "no sir, not in a tousand years \ntell you his name. He is a sure winner, give \nme a ticket." \n\n\n\nRules for Central Park \xe2\x80\x94 "Couples mak- \ning love will beware of the rubber plant. \n"While driving through the park don\'t \nspeak to your horses. They carry tales." \n"All the animals are not in cages. There \nare some dandelions on the lawn." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Rogers Bros. \n\n64 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPAT\'S FEAR. \n\nAn old Irishman who had recently re- \ncovered from a severe attack of sickness, \nchanced to meet his parish priest, who had \nbeen summoned during his illness to admin- \nister the rites of the church to the dying, as \nhe was considered to be near death\'s door, \nand the following conversation took place : \n"Ah, Pat, 1 see you out again. We thought \nyou were gone sure. You had a pretty \nserious time of it." "Yis, yer riverence. \nindade I did." "When you were so near \ndeath\'s door, were you not afraid to meet \nyour God, your Maker?" "No, indade, \nyour riverence. It was the other gintle- \nmin." \n\n\n\nSPANISH LOVE. \n\nI recently saw a young soldier, wearing \na ragged U. S. uniform, seated on an old \nsoap box in front of the World building, \nplaying upon a wheezy accordion, "Give Us \nJust Another Lincoln." He truly presented \na sorry spectacle. His legs were both miss- \ning below the knees, one arm was gone at \nthe shoulder, and he was short an eye and \npart of an ear. A well dressed gentleman \n\n65 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nstepped up and dropped a five-dollar bill in \nthe tin cup suspended around his neck. Sur- \nprised at the liberal donation, the young \nsoldier said gratefully, "You must be a \ncomrade." "No," replied the philanthro- \npist, "I\'m a Spaniard, and you\'re the first \nAmerican that I\'ve seen since the war that \nwas done up to suit me." \n\n\n\nA SUMMER IDYL. \n\nAn apple in an orchard grew, \nAn apple of an emerald hue; \nWarmed by the sun and wet by the dew, \n\nIt grew. \n\n\n\nOne day, while passing the orchard through, \nThe apple dawned upon the view \nOf Johnny Jones and his sister Sue \xe2\x80\x94 \n\nThem two. \n\nA stick into the tree they threw, \nDown came the apple wet with dew, \nThe apple of an emerald hue \xe2\x80\x94 \n\nPeek-a-boo. \n\nJohnny took a bite and Sue took a chew, \nThen the trouble began to brew, \nTrouble the doctors could not subdue \xe2\x80\x94 \nParegoric for two. \n\nUnder the turf where the daisies grew, \nThey planted Johnny and Sister Sue, \nAnd their little souls to heaven flew \xe2\x80\x94 \n\nAdieu. \n\n66 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nPUNNING. \n\n"V HERE are some pun- \n^ ning catches which are \nappreciated by a good \nmany people. Here \nis an old one that is \ngood : \n\nIf a father gave one \nof his sons 19 cents \nand the other 6 cents, \nwhat time would it be? \n\nThe answer is "Quarter to two." \nAnd here is one of more recent birth: \nIf a postmaster went to a menagerie and \nwas eaten by one of the wild beasts, what \nwould be the hour? \n\nPerhaps you\'ll have to think this over a \nlittle. Yet the answer is very simple. It is \n"8 p. m.," of course. \n\n\n\nQUESTION IN GRAMMAR. \n\nOne of the Board of Education, going his \nrounds as an amateur, put the following \nquestion to a scholar in a country school : \n\n"How do you parse, \'Mary milked the \n\n\n\ncow \n\n\n\nv " \n\n\n\nPupil \xe2\x80\x94 Cow is \n\n\n\na noun. \n\n67 \n\n\n\nfeminine gen- \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nder, singular number, third person, and \nstands for Mary." \n\n"Stands for Mary !" exclaimed he of the \nBoard; "how do you make that out?" \n\n"Because," added the intelligent pupil, \n"if the cow didn\'t stand for Mary, how \ncould Mary milk her?" \n\n\n\nTHE PLAY IS ON. \n\nYoung Perkins had been paying court to \na bill poster\'s daughter for some time, but \nno engagement seemed to come of it. The \nfather, becoming impatient, said to Perkins \nfinally : \n\n"Young man, when does your show \nopen ?" \n\n"I haven\'t any show," said Perkins. \n\n"I thought you had, for you and Sue \nhave been billing for some time back." \n\nPerkins took the hint, proposed and was \naccepted, and the show commenced not \nlone after. \n\n\n\n\'a \n\n\n\n"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and \nwhen I went for my revolver he ran out." \n"Did you shoot him ?" \n"No. He was out of my range." \n68 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPRESENCE OF MIND. \n\nTwo gentlemen stood in front of a build- \ning in process of erection on one of the New \nYork thoroughfares, discussing a late ship- \nwreck, from which one of them, by the ex- \nercise of unusual presence of mind, had \nnarrowly escaped. \n\nAt their side a humble "son of Erin" was \nbusily mixing the plaster for the new walls. \nTurning, in great friendliness, born of his \nescape from death, the fortunate man ad- \ndressed him : \n\n"Well, my dear fellow, can you think of \nanything more desirable in time of great \nperil than \'presence of mind ?\' " \n\n"Well, sor, indeed thin, no ; unless it be \nabsince of body." \n\n\n\nSCALED VITUPERATION. \n\nIn order to discourage the use of objec- \ntionable words the father had evolved a sys- \ntem of fines, somewhat after this fashion : \n\nHang it \xe2\x80\x94 One cent. \n\nDarn it \xe2\x80\x94 Two cents. \n\nGosh \xe2\x80\x94 Three cents. \n\nGosh darn it \xe2\x80\x94 Five cents. \n\nThe boy who was to be reformed by this \n\n69 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nmethod studied the tariff with considerable \ninterest, but it was some time before he \nspoke. \n\n"Well," he said at last, "I guess I know \nsome words that would cost a quarter." \n\n\n\nTHE RESTRICTION REMOVED. \n\nThe will of Stephen Girard provided that \nno clergyman should ever be allowed to \nenter the splendid Girard College at Phila- \ndelphia. \n\nOne day a very clerical looking man, with \nimmaculate white cravat and choker ap- \nproached the entrance. \n\n"You can\'t come in here," said the jani- \ntor. \n\n"The I can\'t !" said the stranger. \n\n"Oh," said the janitor, "excuse me. Step \nright in." \n\n\n\nGoldstein: "I know a rich girl dat vants \nto get married. Get a bath, clean yourseluf \nub and you can vin her sure. She\'ll marry \nyou in a minute." \n\nBernstein (cautious) : "Y \xe2\x80\x94 as. Sup- \npose I clean myself up und she von\'t marry \n\n\n\n70 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nAT THE BALL. \n\nAY I get you a glass of \nchampagne to take with \nthis cake?" \n\n"No, sir; I thank \nyou. Champagne is too \nstrong for me." \n\n"It is not so strong as \nbrandy." \n\n"O, you are mistaken. Champagne is so \nstrong that it forces the cork out of the \nbottle and drives it against the ceiling. I \ndon\'t mind taking a little pony brandy, but \nno champagne for me. I can\'t stand strong \ndrink." \n\n\n\n\nA PIANO DOCTOR. \n\nA few years ago there lived in Provi- \ndence, R. L, Frank J. Smith, a jolly, good \nfellow with a keen sense of humor. For \nsome time he tuned pianos for Brown & \nCo., and while engaged in this occupation \nhe met with a good many amusing experi- \nences. On his trips about the city, Frank \nused to carry his tools in a little grip that \nresembled somewhat a doctor\'s medicine \ncase. He had occasion to frequently pass \n71 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\na certain house on Pleasant street, and one \nday the owner beckoned to him and asked \nhim to step in. Frank complied, thinking \nthere was probably a piano that needed at- \ntention. As soon as he was inside the \nhouse the man said : "Come into this room. \nI want you to see my wife. She\'s broken \nout with some kind of a rash." And be- \nfore Frank had time to explain he was in \nthe presence of the invalid. "Now, what \nwould you advise me to do?" persisted the \nman. Frank pondered a moment; bit the \nend of his cigar thoughtfully and then said, \nas if the advice was the result of much re- \nflection : \n\n"I believe if I were you, Fd call in a \ndoctor." \n\n"Great Scott !" said the man, "aren\'t you \na doctor?" \n\n"No, said Frank, cheerfully," I\'m a \npiano tuner." \n\n\n\nIf a guest at a restaurant ordered a lob- \nster and ate it, and another guest did the \nsame, what would the latter\'s telephone \nnumber be ? \n\nIt would be "8\xe2\x80\x941\xe2\x80\x942." \n72 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nGOOD REASONS. \n\n\'\'Say, Pat, I hear you\'ve been offered a \njob in the P. W. department. Are you \ngoing to take it?" \n\n"Shure an\' I am." \n\n"But the hours are long and the pay \nbad." \n\n"It\'s meself that knows it." \n\n"Surely those are two good reasons for \nrefusing it !" \n\n"Thrue for ye, mc bhoy, but I\'ve got six \ngood reasons for acceptin\' it." \n\n"What are they?" \n\n"Shure, a wife an\' foive kids." \n\n\n\nPROVOCATION. \n\n"What have you to say to this charge of \nassaulting Michael Rafferty?\' asked the \nmagistrate. \n\n"Oi licked \'im," replied Mr. Dolan, look- \ning the court in the eye. "An\' wid no dis- \nrespect to anybody to whom respect is due, \nit\'s hopin\' Oi am that Oi done it good." \n\n"Was there any provocation?" \n\n"They wor thot same." \n\n"What was it?" \n\n"Oi hev a goat, yer Anner \xe2\x80\x94 a foine ani- \n73 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nmal, too. \'Does yer goat give milk?\' says \nRafferty. \'It does,\' says Oi. \'Then,\' says he \n\'it\'s buttermilk.\' \'It\'s as swate an\' foin as \nany ye iver saw,\' says I. \'Certainly; but \nis is buttermilk \xe2\x80\x94 nevertheless \xe2\x80\x94 what else \ncould yer goat give but-her-milk,\' says he, \nan\' thin we came togethei. Though Oi \nmust say, yer Anner, thot whin Oi come to \nrepeat it over a few times a.i\' consider the \nnature av the goat, Oi\'m compelled to say \nOi were a bit hasty. Bedad, if the court\'ll \ngive me leave, I\'ll \'poligize to Rafferty, so \nOi will." \n\n\n\nDELAY IS DANGEROUS. \n\nMr. Oppenheimer, being informed by his \nmanager that there was no insurance on \nhis stock and fixtures, replied, "Vait until \nto-morrow and we will insure;" but when \nhe came to his store the next morning, was \ndumbfounded to see only the walls standing \nand everything burned up. \n\nHe exclaimed, "Oh, Lord, strike me \ndead !" when a brick fell down and struck \nhim on the head, knocking him senseless. \nWhen he revived, looking up, he said, "Oh ; \nLord, can\'t you take a joke?" \n74 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nVACCINATION IN THE HUB. \n\nERRY was the lawn \nparty, and the \nbright young man \nfound himself priv- \nileged to sit next to \nthe young woman \nwith beautiful arms \nand neck. He \nthought himself the most favored person- \nage on the scene. Suddenly his fair com- \npanion exhibited signs of nervousness. Two \nof his very best jokes, saved for a special \noccasion, passed by unnoticed. Her face \nwore a look of alarm. Apprehensively the \nyoung man gazed at her and, meeting the \nlook, she said : \n"I am in misery." \n"In misery?" echoed the man. \n"Yes," she replied. "I was vaccinated \nthe other day and it has taken beautifully. \nI could almost scream, it hurts so." \n\nThe young man looked at the beautiful \narms and, seeing no mark there, said \n"Why, where were you vaccinated?" \n"In Boston," she replied, the smile chas- \ning away the look of pain. \n75 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nHE WAS RIGHT. \n\nMr. Frank Lane tells the following story \nabout a Boston Irishman. \n\n"The old man had been employed on the \ndocks as watchman by the city for thirty- \nfive years. His son had grown up in that \ntime and married and made him a grand- \nfather, and held down a position in the city \nhall also. It was the only job the old man \nhad ever had since he landed on this side, \nand for thirty-five years he had reported \nevery night for duty, and every pay day for \nhis wages. Finally the son came home \none night and told the old man that the \nSuperintendent of Docks had decided to get \na new watchman. \n\n" That\'s that ? Get a new watchman, is \nit?\' \n\n" That\'s it, old man.\' \n\n"\'An\' he\'s goin\' to foire me, is it?\' \n\n" \'Your due for the chopping block, Pop.\' \n\n" \'An\' when am I t\' get me discharge ?\' \n\n" \'Next month.\' \n\n"The old man didn\'t sav anything more, \nbut he looked very blue, and finally the old \nlady asked him what the matter was. \n\n"They\'re after dischargin\' me down at \n\n7 6 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nth\' docks. Sure I told ye\' th\' furrst day I \nwint t\' worruk there I didn\'t think \'twud \nbe a steaddy job, an\' I wor right.\' " \n\n\n\n"Did you have any trouble with black \nants in Ireland, Bridget?" \n\n"No, ma\'m, but I had some trouble onc\'t \nwith a white uncle." \n\n\n\nWHY SHE WAS SALTED. \n\nThe Sunday-school was hushed and still, \nAnd the parson led in prayer, \n\nThen said a speech would now be made \nBy a stranger who was there. \n\n\n\nThe lesson told, that day, the fate \nOf the cities razed by fire, \n\nAnd of the great reward of those \nWho obeyed the Lord\'s desire. \n\nAnd then the stranger spoke of those \nWho had disobeyed God\'s law; \n\nSaid they the end of such as sinned \nIn the death of Lot\'s wife saw. \n\nTo impress the fact, he asked a class, \nSmall "eight-year" urchins they, \n\nWhy God had turned Lot\'s wife to salt \nOn that ill-fated day. \n\nOne little rascal made response, \n\nWith grimy hand upheld; \nHis shrill voice sounded loud and clear, \n\n"She was too fresh," he yelled. \n\n\n\n77 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA GROUP OF SWEDISH JOKES. \n\nTeacher \xe2\x80\x94 What do you call the last teeth \nwe get? \n\nPupil \xe2\x80\x94 False teeth. \n\nBill \xe2\x80\x94 Why are you in such a hurry? \n\nJack \xe2\x80\x94 Creditor after me \xe2\x80\x94 hounding me \nto death. \n\nBill \xe2\x80\x94 Run into the Savings Bank. He\'ll \nnever think of looking for you there. \n\nBuff \xe2\x80\x94 Have you no memento of your \nmother-in-law, who came to so sudden an \nend in Africa? \n\nDuff \xe2\x80\x94 No, worse luck, We only succeed- \ned in getting a photograph of the cannibal \nthat ate her. \n\nYoung Minister (disgusted) \xe2\x80\x94 I preached \nto a congregation of asses today. \n\nChurch Member \xe2\x80\x94 I noticed that you \ncalled them your dear brothers." \n\n"Is that my umbrella you have?" \n\n"Most likely. Just bought it in a pawn- \nshop." \n\n\n\n"Dennis, I\'m told ye was the best man \nat Mike\'s marriage." "The same is a lie," \nanswered Dennis, "but bejabers, I was as \ngood as anny man was there." \n\n78 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA COMPLETE GIVE-AWAY. \n\nAWYE R\xe2\x80\x94 Y on say, \nmadame, that you have \nbeen a true and loving \nwife? \n\nWitness \xe2\x80\x94 I have, sir, as \nGod is my witness. \n\nAnd you have spared \nno effort to retain the love and esteem of \nyour husband? \n\nI have done everything I could to make \nhim love me, and he knows it. \n\n\' Ahem. Madame, who gets up and makes \nthe fire these cold mornings ? \nHe \xe2\x80\x94 he \xe2\x80\x94 does. \n\nAh, indeed; then don\'t you think your \nstatement that you had made every possible \neffort to retain your husband\'s love and \nesteem a little premature, eh? \n\n\n\nHE WORKED THE BOSS. \n\nA little man with a bald head and an in- \noffensive blue eye drifted into a Main street \nsaloon and threw a half dollar on the bar. \n\n"Gimme a schooner of beer," he said. \n\nThe schooner was given him. Just as he \nwas about to drink it a big man came in \n\n79 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nand said : "Hello, Shorty. Who\'s buying ?" \n\n"I am," replied Shorty, with dignity. \n\n"You," scoffed the big man. "Why, you \nnever had a cent in your life. Your wife \ngets your wages." \n\n"That\'s all right," said Shorty. "Meb- \nbe she does, but I\'ve got money today." \n\n"How\'d you get it?" \n\n"Well," replied Shorty, "I don\'t know as \nI mind tellin. I had a couple of bad teeth, \nan she gimme enough to get them pulled." \n\n"Didn\'t you get \'em pulled?" \n\n"Sure, but I worked her for 50 cents for \ngas, an this is the 50. See ?" \n\n\n\nA CHEAP FEED. \n\nA man was sitting in a restaurant eating \noysters. In came an Irishman and said: \n"Oi\'ll bet a dime thot Oi con eat oysters \nfasther then yez con open thim." \n\n"Done!" said the shell cracker. \n\nAt the end of an hour the man had open- \ned seventy-five oysters, but the Irishman \nhad only been able to eat sixty-five. \n\nGetting up with difficulty, the Irishman \nsaid: "Yez win," laid down a dime and \nwalked out. \n\n80 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTHE BAND WAS ALWAYS THERE. \n\nA gentlemanly merchant traveler in a \nrailway carriage met a lady and politely \nrendered her such assistance that she recip- \nrocated by permitting him to talk to her. \nHe became quite friendly, and desired to \nknow where she lived and who she was. \n\n"Oh," she replied, "I\'m only an ordinary \nlittle woman, but my friends persist in try- \ning to make me somebody." \n\n"Ah," was the gallant answer, "I am sure \nthey act quite wisely and with good taste." \n\n"You flatter me, sir, and yet I have no \ndoubt a band will meet me at the station \nwhen I arrive at Windsor." \n\n"Indeed?" he replied in open eyed aston- \nishment. \n\n"Yes, and the same band always meets \nme. Isn\'t that flattering?" \n\n"Very, my dear miss ; but may I ask what \nband it is that is always so honored?" \n\n"Oh, yes, certainly; it is a husband." \n\nHe caught on to the arm of the seat for a \nminute and then went into the next carriage \nand bumped his head during the change. \n\n\n\nTwo Jews in a street car. \xe2\x80\x94 First Jew : "I \nBi \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nvill nefer go py Far Rockaway agen fer de \nsummer. Nodding but Irish everywhere." \nSecond Jew : "It\'s de same at Saratoga, \nAbey, it\'s alive mit Irish. I vish I could go \nvere dere vas no Irish." \n\nMrs. Clancy (on the opposite seat.) \xe2\x80\x94 \n"Yez can both go to h \xe2\x80\x94 1, y\'ll find no Irish \nthere." \n\n\n\nTHE PRETTY MAID. \n\n"Oh, whither now, my pretty maid?\' \n\nInquired the kind old pastor; \n"I goeth now to town," she said, \n"To get a porous plaster." \n\n\n\n"Oh, why dost want, my pretty maid, \nThis thing called porous plaster; \n\nHast rheumatiz?" the pastor said, \n"Oh hast thou met disaster?" \n\n"Oh, sir, I fear," the maiden said, \n"That sore we need the plaster; \n\nOur brindle cow has raised Old Ned, \nAnd kicked Sal in the pastur." \n\n"And thou wilt use it, pretty maid, \nUpon the cow?" he asked her; \n\n"Oh, no, you fool," the maiden said, \n"Not on the cow, dod blast her." \n\n"What then wilt do, my pretty gal, \nWith this \'ere porous plaster?" \n"I\'ll use it where the cow kicked Sal, \nBut I don\'t mean in the pastur." \n82 \n\n\n\n*p \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPATRICK\'S DAY ON APRIL E. \n\nSAW a funny incident \nsome years ago in Cin- \ncinnati, O., said a drum- \nmer. A number of sol- \nemn-faced men were \nstanding in front of a \nhouse. They were dress- \ned in black, and had ever- \ngreens in their button holes. They belong- \ned to the Masonic fraternity, and were do- \ning the last honors to a deceased brother. \nJust as they were about to fall in who \nshould stroll up but Patrick O\'Flarity, just \nout of a saloon. When he saw the ever- \ngreens he rubbed his eyes and took another \nlook. That look settled it. He under- \nstood it all at a glance. He tilted his hat \nback on his head, put his cane under his \narm, and dancing up to an aged Israelite \nwith a beard three feet long, and who look- \ned like a whole Synagogue, ran his arm \nthrough that of the astonished Hebrew and \nsaid with a rich brogue : \n\n"Hurrah for ould Ireland! And it does \nme eyes good to see the byes a wearn\' of \nthe green. St. Patrick was a jintleman. \n\n83 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Go vay mit yer," responded the vener- \nable Israelite. "Don\'t you know dere was \nsome funerals in dot house? Go vay, or I \ncalls poleesh !" \n\n"And in what part of ould Ireland did \nyer pick up that brogue? Ye are the first \nOirishman I iver saw that was a Dootch- \nman. Maybe it\'s your wife that is an \nOirishman." \n\nJust then the procession began to move, \nand O\'Flarity, after staring at it for a few \nmoments, asked a bootblack what day of the \nmonth it was, and was told that it was the \n5th of April. \n\n"The Fifth of April! No wonder, thin, \nthere was a Dootchman in the percission \nwhen Saint Pathrick\'s Day comes on the \n5th of April. And they were all droonk, \ntoo. It was that what desaved me," and \nsolemnly shaking his head he went back \nto the saloon. \n\n\n\nHOW A WOMAN D0E8 IT. \nWoman with satchel enters car, sits \ndown. \n\nEnters conductor, asks fare. \n\nWoman opens satchel, takes out purse, \n\n84 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nshuts satchel, opens purse, takes out dime, \nshuts purse, opens satchel, puts in purse, \nshuts satchel. \n\nOffers dime, receives nickel. \n\nOpens satchel, takes out purse, shuts \nsatchel, opens purse, puts in nickel, closes \npurse, opens satchel, puts in purse, closes \nsatchel. \n\nStop the car, please. \n\n\n\nNO ADVANTAGE. \n\nJohnnie \xe2\x80\x94 "I wish I lived in South Am- \nerica." \n\nMother\xe2\x80\x94 "Why, Johnnie?" \n\n"The mammas down there don\'t wear any \nslippers." \n\n"Yes, my son, but you must also remem- \nber that the little boys in South America \ndo not wear any pants. \n\n"That\'s so. It\'s queer that I never \nthought about that." \n\n\n\n"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. \nWhat do you suppose he weighs?" \n"I don\'t know, what does he weigh?" \n"Meat." \n\n85 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA NEW DISEASE. \n\n"Your husband requires rest," said the \ndoctor, as he came from the sick chamber. \n\n"He will soon be well; he has a bad at- \ntack of tickerosis." "Tickerosis, doctor ! \nWhy, that\'s a new disease, isn\'t it?" "Yes, \nquite new. It is caused by watching the \ntickers in the brokers\' office. It affects the \noptic nerve and the spinal column." \n\n\n\nA MODEST MAID. \n\nAn old maid lived in our town, \n\nSo I have heard it said, \nWho, if you called a dress a gown, \n\nWould blush like poppies red. \n\nHer rind was neither frail nor weak \xe2\x80\x94 \n\nHer modesty was rare; \nOf autumn trees she\'d never speak \n\nBecause their limbs were bare. \n\nWhen night its sable shadows threw \n\nShe\'d tumble in a swoon \nIf curtain did not hide from view \n\nThe man up in the moon. \n\nShe never sang a sacred song \xe2\x80\x94 \n\nA very modest whin . \nTo think of one she thought was wrong, \n\nBecause it was a hymn. \n\nA plumber caused her death one day\xe2\x80\x94 \n\nThat\'s how the story goes \xe2\x80\x94 \nBy asking in a careless way \n\nTo let him see her hose. \n86 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nANOTHER KIND OF A CAT. \n\nART W , a jolly jok- \ner, was presented with a \nbeautiful kitten. A cou- \nple of young ladies, one \nof them named Julia, \nhappened into the store, \nand of course kitty, as kittens and babies \nalways do, came in for an immense quantity \nof endearments and caresses. \n\n"Oh, my ! what a sweet, darling little kit- \nty ! What is its name?" \n"It has not been named yet." \n"Oh, the dear thing! Do call it Julia, \nwon\'t you?" \n\n"I should be very happy to do so," said \nour gallant friend \xe2\x80\x94 "but it isn\'t that kind \nof a cat!" \n\nKitty was deposited on the floor in a \ntwinkling, and a couple of young ladies \nwere seen looking around for a good place \nto faint. \n\n\n\nGOOD REASON. \n\nYoung Foplet is very inpecunious, but \nhas an amazing good opinion of his own \nwit. The other day he said to Miss Sharpe : \n\n87 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Who do you suppose I saw on the back \nplatform of the car this morning?" "I \ncan\'t imagine," answered the lady. "The \nconductor," chuckled Foplet. "Ah," said \nMiss Sharpe : "that\'s the reason you walk- \ned." \n\n\n\nNOT A FAST COLOR. \n\nA railroad engineer who had a danger- \nsignal head of hair, got a barber to dye it \nblack, but the color didn\'t stay. A brother \nof the footboard met him soon after and \nsaid: \n\n"Jim, were you hurt much ?" \n\n"Hurt where?" \n\n"In the accident." \n\n"What accident?" \n\n"Why, the washout, of course." \n\n\n\nTHE END JUSTIFIES THE MEANS. \n\n"Yes," she said, "we decided to let John \nplay on his college football team, but we \nhad a definite object in view." \n\n"What was that?" \n\n"When the season is over we\'re going to \nhave his hair cut and weave it into a door- \n\n\n\n88 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nAN ODD SPECIMEN. \n\nThe drummer didn\'t want to talk. Some- \nthing must have been the matter with him \nseriously, or he never would have felt such \ndisinclination, of course, but the hotel clerk \ndisregarded the signs and insisted on his \ntelling a story. \n\n"I haven\'t any story to tell," growled the \ndrummer. \n\n"Aw, come off," urged the clerk. "You \nknow you have plenty. Give us one, and \ndon\'t act ugly." \n\nThe drummer growled some more, but \nit did no good, for the clerk kept on nag- \nging him. \n\n"Well," said the drummer at last, "if \nI tell you one, will you let up on me?" \n\n"Yes, anyhow, until tomorrow." \n\n"Very well," proceeded the drummer, \n"when I was in Indiana four days ago I \nmet a man who was an odd specimen, for a \nfact." \n\n"What was odd about him?" asked the \nclerk, who observed that the drummer mani- \nfested a disposition to stop at that point. \n\n"His arms," said the drummer, languid- \n\niy. \n\n8 9 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"What was odd about them?" again ask- \ned the clerk encouragingly. \n\n"He had only one," said the drummer, \nand the clerk went around behind the coun- \nter and kicked an inoffending valise up \nagainst the wall. \n\n\n\nCHEAP FOR CASH. \n\n"You look all broke up, Emil. Vat\'s de \nmatter? Have you been sick?" \n\n"Yes. I\'ve got sometings de matter vit \nmy liver. Malaria, I guess." \n\n"Vy don\'t you try Turkish baths, Emil? \nDey are great tings." \n\n"How do you know?" \n\n"I bought six tickets four years ago, und \nI\'ve got four left. If you vant to buy \'em, \nI\'ll sell \'em at less dan cost." \n\n\n\nA SAD DILEMMA. \n\nGilhooly \xe2\x80\x94 "Sad affair over at Jones\'." \n\nSmith\xe2\x80\x94 "What\'s the matter?" \n\n"One of the twins has died." \n\n"That is an affliction." \n\n"Yes, and the worst of it is the people \ndon\'t know which of them is dead, they \nlook so much alike." \n\n90 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nSAUCE FOR THE GOOSE. \n\nOCTOR B and two \n\nfriends were chatting on a \nstreet corner in a Southern \ntown, when, looking up the \nstreet, they espied an old \nnegro belaboring a stub- \nborn mule. The animal per- \nsistently refused to budge. In a moment \none of the men called out, "Wait a minute, \nUncle Toby, I\'ll fix him !" \n\nStooping to his physician\'s satchel, he \ntook out a small hypodermic syringe, filled \nit with something, and started for the un- \nruly animal. "Wait till I put a little spook- \njoo into him, Uncle Toby." At the first \nprick of the needle the mule took off at a \ngallop up the street. \n\n"How much dat medicine, doctah?" in- \nquired Uncle Toby, preparing to follow. \n\n"Never mind now. Ten cents some other \nday." \n\nThe men continued their conversation, \nwhen some moments later they were sur- \nprised to see Uncle Toby coming up at a \nbrisk pace. "Here, doctah," he said, roll- \ning up his trouser leg, "Put 20 cents\' worth \n\n9 1 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nof dat stuff in my leg. I\'se boun\' ter ketch \ndat mule !" \n\n\n\nHAVE MET BEFORE. \n\nThe judge, stern and authoritative, lean- \ned out over his desk and looked down at \nthe young belligerent, a boy of about 9, who \nhad been brought in by a big policeman for \njudgment. \n\nSizing the boy up and down over his \nglasses, the judge cleared his throat. \n\n"Young man," he said, "do you under- \nstand the ethics of swearing?" \n\n"Yes sir," replied the urchin promptly, "I \ncaddied for you last summer !" \n\nJudge, three minutes later \xe2\x80\x94 Prisoner dis- \ncharged. \n\n\n\nA little boy was sitting behind a bald- \nheaded man at church, who was scratching \nthe fringe of hair on one side of his bald \npate. The old gentleman kept it up so long \nthat at last the little boy became interested, \nand, leaning over, said : \n\n"Say, mister, you\'ll never catch him \nthere. Why don\'t you run him out in the \n\n\n\nopen ? \n\n\n\n92 \n\n\n\n/ \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\nRELIGIOUS ITEM. \n\nMr. Isaacs \xe2\x80\x94 I vant to see you apout some \nlegacies. My vader died and made two tes- \ntaments. \n\nLawyer \xe2\x80\x94 You mean he made two wills or \ntestaments, and then died. \n\n"Choost so. In von of dose vills he leaves \nme $5,000 and dot odder vill he leaves $20,- \n000. \n\n"Which testament did he make first?" \n\n"In dot old testament he leaves me $5,- \n000, but I vant dat odder vill to be propat- \ned." \n\n"I don\'t blame you, Isaac, but this is the \nfirst time in my experience that an orthodox \nJew preferred the New Testament to the \nOld." \n\n\n\nHIS CHARGE. \n\nI am told that there appeared one day last \nsummer before a Washington (D. C.) police \nmagistrate a very well-dressed man accom- \npanied by an Irish policeman. "Well, what \nare you charged with?" asked his honor. \n"I," stuttered the prisoner, "I\'m ch-ch-ch- \nchar-char" \xe2\x80\x94 "Officer," interrupted the mag- \nistrate, "what is this man charged with?" \n93 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Faith, yer hanner, I belave he\'s charged \nwith sodywather." \n\n\n\nOH, BRACE UP. \n\nA middle-aged man with a troubled look \non his face stood on the corner near the \nCentral depot and attracted the attention of \na passer-by who inquired: \n\n"Can I do anything for you, sir?" \n\n"Stranger," said the man, "I\'ve lost my \ngrip." \n\n"Oh, brace up," said the other in a cheery \nvoice, "you\'ll get hold again if you push in. \nIt happens to us all sometime or other." \n\n"I\'m afraid I\'ll never get it again," said \nthe other sadly. \n\n"Nonsense, man. Don\'t give up when \nthey\'ve just discovered the elixir of life," \naavised his friend. "Take a hold again like \na man." \n\n"What air you talking about?" asked the \nother. "I lost my grip with four new shirts \nin it, a new waistcoat, a pair of suspenders, \nand my wife\'s photygraft. Just give me 2 \nchance and you\'ll see whether I\'ll take hold \nor not," and he walked off with a suspicious \nlook at his late adviser. \n94 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nWONDERFUL PROSPERITY. \n\nOME few years ago a \ndrummer for one of our \nwholesale houses was trav- \neling in a buggy along a \ncountry road in Arkansaw, \nwhen he came upon a tall, \nroughly-dressed man sitting \nupon a rail fence whittling. With a so- \nciable "Good morning," the traveler drew \nup his horse and asked : \n\n"Is that your field of corn over there?" \n"Wal, I calkilate I\'ll freeze onto a right \nsmart sheer of it. I\'m working the piece \non sheers." \n\n"Looks like a fine crop." \n"It does." \n\n"I presume you are figuring on great \nprosperity in future, such immense crops \nindicating plenty for all." \n\n"Prosperity? Stranger, that hain\'t no \nname for the cyclone that\'s agoin\' to hit \nthis settlement atween the eyes this season. \nA tornado mout come jist now an\' land \nevery durned bit o\' grain in the country \nover into Tennessee, and yit the smiles o\' \ncontentment \'d never shift ofFn our faces l" \n95 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Some unexpected good luck has befallen \nyou," the tourist replied. \n\n"That\'s the play to a t-y ty. We\'re get- \ntin\' our slice o\' the millenium away ahead o\' \nthe advertised date. Fust, ol\' Zack Bolton \nup an\' died last month, and thar\' hasn\'t \nbeen a ear o\' corn or a slice o\' bacon missed \nin the community since we tumbled the dirt \non top o\' him. Then Wash Tompkins, the \nboss ol\' sledge player, got sent to State \nprison fur horse stealin\', thus givin\' us \npoor players a show fur our pile; then \nSnaky, the saloon-keeper up at the forks o\' \nthe road, dropped down to ten cents a drink \nfur whiskey, and said he\'d take corn same \nas cash ; then my old woman ran off with a \nYankee sewin\'-machine pedlar, and my \ndarter Sal got religion, an\' joined Mount \nZion Church, an\' if bloomin\' prosperity ain\'t \na hangin\' over the neighborhood I\'m a gilt- \nedged liar from the Red River swamps. \nSot any sweet tobacker about you?" \n\n\n\nCOMPLETE STOCK. \n\nA New York chemist was boasting, in \ncompany of friends, of his well-assorted \nstock in trade. "There isn\'t a drug miss- \n\n96 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\ning," he said, "not even one of the most un- \ncommon sort." \n\n"Come, now !" said one of the bystand- \ners, by way of a joke. "I bet that you don\'t \nkeep any spirit of contradiction, well- \nstocked as you pretend to be." \n\n"Why not?" replied the chemist, not in \nthe least embarrassed at the unexpected sal- \nly. "You shall see for yourself." So say- \ning he left the group and returned in a few \nminutes leading by the hand \xe2\x80\x94 his wife. \n\n\n\nMISS MURRAY\'S STORIES. \n\nElizabeth Murray, that clever actress, is \nentertaining her audiences with these \nstories : \n\n"I was standing in a Broadway car one \nday recently, when an old colored man \ncourteously offered me his seat. \'But, I do \nnot wish to deprive you of your seat,\' I re- \nmonstrated. \'Oh, there\'s no depravity at \nall/ said he, \'sit down.\' \n\n"I was once summoned as a witness in a \ncase where an old darkey was charged with \nchicken stealing. The old darkey was on \nhand early and before the case was called \nthe judge, observing his presence, asked his \n\n97 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor, \n\nname. \'My name is Johnsing, yo\' honah,\' \nsaid the darkey. \'Are you the defendant in \nthis case?\' inquired the judge. \'No, sah,\' \nreplied the darkey, Tse got a lawyer to do \nmy defencin\'. I\'se de gentleman what \nstole de chicken.\' \n\n"Just then a small, insignificant Irishman \nhobbled in on crutches accompanied by his \nwife, a big, brawny woman. \'Judge,\' said \nshe, \'I want you to give this man six months \nfor giving me this black eye.\' \'What !\' ex- \nclaimed the judge in astonishment, \'do you \nmean to say that this physical wreck gave \nyou that black eye?\' \'Your honor/ said \nthe woman, \'I want you to understand that \nhe was not a physical wreck until after he \ngave me this black eye.\' " \n\n\n\nDID HE CATCH ON? \n\nThey were sailing in the little boat to- \ngether and she said \xe2\x80\x94 \n\n"Are we running before the wind now, \nGeorge ?" \n\n"No, my darling," said he, "our boat is \nhugging the shore." \n\n"Ah !" she exclaimed, "what a beautiful \nexample you have here." \n\n98 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nBILL-BERRIES. \n\nYOUNG tailor named Berry, \nlately succeeded to his father\'s \nbusiness, once sent in his ac- \ncount to Charles Matthews \nsomewhat ahead of time, where- \nupon Matthews, with virtuous \nrage, wrote him the following \nnote: \n\n"You must be a goose \xe2\x80\x94 Berry to send me \nyour bill \xe2\x80\x94 Berry, before it is due \xe2\x80\x94 Berry. \nYour father, the elder \xe2\x80\x94 Berry, would have \nhad more sense. You may look very black \n\xe2\x80\x94 Berry, and feel very blue \xe2\x80\x94 Berry, but I \ndon\'t care a straw \xe2\x80\x94 Berry for you and your \nbill-\xe2\x80\x94 Berry." \n\n\n\n\nMILDRED CORRECTS HER BROTHER. \n\n"Why, James, what is the matter?" asked \nthe High School Girl, as her brother came \nin with his eye blackened. \n\n"O, had a fight with a couple of kids ; but \nI\'ll get at \'em one at a time and take it out \nof their hides, see if I don\'t," replied Jim. \n\n"O, James, don\'t say \'take it out of their \nhides,\' that is vile slang. Say, extract it \nfrom their epidermis." \n\n99 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nWHICH, WHAT AND WHY? \n\nWhat is the difference between an old \nmaid and Christian Science? One is a \nhumbug and the other is a bum-hug. \n\nWhich is the only way a leopard can \nchange his spots ? By going from one spot \nto another. \n\nWhy is the Danish coast a bad place to go \nfor a quiet holiday? Because of the sound \nwhich is there. \n\nWhat is the best early closing movement ? \nTo go to bed at 10 o\'clock and close your \neyes in sleep. \n\nWhat is it we often tell others to do and \ncan\'t do ourselves? Stop a minute. \n\nWhy are teeth like verbs? Because the} 1 \nare regular, irregular and defective. \n\nWhat is that which the more you take \naway from it the larger it grows? A hole. \n\nWhy were gloves never meant to sell? \nBecause they were meant to be kept on hand. \n\nWhy is a poor friend better than a rich \none? Because a friend in need is a friend \nindeed. \n\n\n\nDIDN\'T EVEN KEEP LENT. \nOnce a missionary who had been in a \nIOO \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nsavage country was asked : "Are they real- \nly cannibals ?" \n\n"Yes, indeed," he replied solemnly. "Why \nthey eat men even in Lent." \n\n\n\nWhy is a cornfield like a galvanic battery ? \nBecause it produces shocks. \n\n\n\nSEEING THINGS. \n\nHe thought he saw an elephant \n\nSit weeping on a stile; \nHe looked again, and found it was \n\nAn outlet to the Nile. \nSaid he: "If I should tickle it, \n\nI wonder would it smile?\' \n\nHe thought he saw a leather duck \n\nA-sticking in the mud; \nHe looked again, and found it was \n\nThe year before the flood. \nHe said: "I\'d better now go out \n\nAnd spill the villain\'s blood." \n\nHe thought he saw a crocodile \nCome tripping through the heather; \n\nHe looked again, and found it was \nA spell of lovely weather. \n\n"I think I\'ll tan this hide," he said, \n"And make it into leather." \n\nHe thought he saw a cockleshell \n\nGo sailing down the lake; \nHe looked again, and found that it \n\nWas all a blooming fake. \n"It was the kind, ah me!" he cried, \n\n"That mother used to make." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Marie Graves. \n\nIOI \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nFOLLOWED THE PRESCRIPTION. \n\nDoctor \xe2\x80\x94 Have you got the better of the \nague yet? \n\nPatient \xe2\x80\x94 No, sor. Me an\' me wife is as \nbad as iver, sor. \n\nDoctor \xe2\x80\x94 Did you get that whiskey and \nquinine I prescribed? \n\nPatient \xe2\x80\x94 "Yis, sor; but it did no good at \nall, at all." \n\nDoctor \xe2\x80\x94 "That is strange! You took it \naccording to instructions, I suppose?" \n\nPatient \xe2\x80\x94 "Yis, sor; ye know a man and \nhis wife are one." \n\nDoctor\xe2\x80\x94 "What has that to do with it?" \n\nPatient \xe2\x80\x94 "Well, ye see, sor, bein\' as we \nare one flesh, I tuk the whisky and gave \nBiddy the quinine." \n\n\n\nBEFORE AND AFTER. \n\nAt the front gate two weeks before the \nwedding : \n\nHe \xe2\x80\x94 My dearest darling. \n\nShe \xe2\x80\x94 Willie my love. \n\nAt the front gate two years after: \n\nShe \xe2\x80\x94 Bill, where are you going? \n\nHe \xe2\x80\x94 It\'s none of your blankity blank \nbusiness. \n\n102 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPAT\'S SEESAW. \n\nHEN I was in New York \nsome time ago I heard a \ngood story about a couple of \ngreen-horns that was hired \nto clean the windows of the \nN. Y. life insurance build- \ning. They went for some \ncloths and chamois, and \nstarted in on the top floor \nearly in the morning. \n\n" \'Do you go outside, Pat,\' says Mike, \n\'and I will stay inside.\' \n\n" \'Have I wings like a bird ?\' says Pat \nwith some indignation. \n\n"Mike hadn\'t thought about that, and \nthey both scratched their heads. Finally \nMike says : \'We will take this plank and \nmake a seesaw. Then we can both work \nat the same time.\' \n\n\'Tat agreed to this, and the plank was \nshoved out of the window, and Pat took the \noutside position. They hadn\'t finished the \nfirst window when a hurry-up wagon pass- \ned through the street and Pat looked down. \nHe was so interested that he dropped part \n103 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nof his cleaning outfit on the sidewalk away \nbelow. \n\n" \'Mike/ he says, Tve dropped my sham- \nmy/ \n\n" \'Never mind/ says Mike, \'I\'ll get it for \nyou.\' \n\n"So Mike jumps off his end of the seesaw \nand runs down the eleven flights of stairs, \nbecause this was before the elevators had \nbeen started. \n\n"When he reached the sidewalk Pat was \nthere ahead of him, of course. Mike was \ngreatly disgusted. \n\n" Tfwat was your dum hurry ?\' he says. \nAnd then the ambulance came." \n\n\n\nSTEERING CLEAR OF SIN. \n\nMilkman \xe2\x80\x94 Johnny, did you put water in \nthe milk this morning? \n\nNew Assistant \xe2\x80\x94 Yes, sir. \n\nDon\'t you know that is wicked, Johnny? \n\nBut you told me to mix water with the \nmilk. \n\nYes, but I told you to put the water in \nfirst and pour the milk into it. Then, you \nsee, we can tell the people we never put \nwater in our milk. \n\n104 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTHE FAIR GRADUATE. \n\n"Mamie," said a grammar school girl to \na member of the graduating class, "have you \nfinished your essay?" \n\n"Oh, yes," gushed Mamie; "and it is too \nlovely for anything \xe2\x80\x94 a Princess slip of \nwhite surah, the back cut off a little below \nthe waist line, and full breadths of silk gath- \nered in so as to hang gracefully over the \ntournure, and three bias ruffles on the \xe2\x80\x94 \n\n"Why, what are you talking about?" in- \nterrupted her friend. "I mean, have you \nfinished writing your essay, you know ?" \n\n"Er \xe2\x80\x94 no," said Mamie, her enthusiasm \nrapidly diminishing; "but I have commenc- \ned it, and I wish the awful thing was in \nHalifax !" \n\n"What\'s the subject?" \n\n" The Curse of Slang.\' " \n\n"Gracious ! Isn\'t that a difficult subject \nto write up?" \n\n"Difficult? Well, I should giggle. I\'ll \nhave to hump myself to get it finished in \ntime for commencement, and I\'ve a good \nnotion to let it slide. I might shut up the \nProfessor\'s optic by pleading illness, but I\'m \nnot that sort of a hairpin. But come, waltz \n105 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nup into my room and look at my stunning \ngraduating harness. It\'ll paralyze you." \n\n\n\nA GOOD SUGGESTION. \n\nA German officer who was over head and \nears in debt, said to a friend : \n\n"I owe so much money that I have got to \ndo one of two desperate things." \n\n"What are they?" \n\n"I must either marry a woman with \nmoney, or commit suicide. Which do you \nrecommend ?" \n\n"Marry, by all means. You will have \nplenty of time and justification for commit- \nting suicide afterward," replied the friend. \n\n\n\nNOT A SECRET. \n\nHe placed his hand upon his heart. \n\n"You cannot imagine," he protested, \n"what a terrible load I carry and yet give no \nsign to the world." \n\nShe turned away her head. \n\n"Believe me," she faltered, "the world \nknows." \n\nA subtle something in the way she raised \nher handkerchief to her face impelled him \nto surreptitiously take another clove or two; \n106 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\n"NO FLIES ON HER." \n\nf ERE is an experience I \nhad, which I shall not \nsoon forget. A few \nweeks since a railroad \ncollision on one of the \nroaas leading out of \nNew York killed, \namong others, a passen- \nger living in an interior town. His remains \nwere sent home in good shape, and a few \ndays after the funeral the attorney of the \nroad called upon the widow to effect a set- \ntlement. She placed her damages at $20,- \n000. \n\n"Oh ! that sum is unreasonable, " replied \nthe attorney. "Your husband was nearly \nfifty years old." \n"Yes, sir." \n"And lame?" \n"Yes." \n\n"And his general health was poor?" \n"Quite poor." \n\n"And he probably would not have lived \nover five years?" \n"Probably not, sir." \n\n"Then it seems to me that two or three \n107 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthousand dollars would be a fair compensa- \ntion." \n\n"Two or three thousand!" she echoed. \n"Why, sir, I courted that man for ten years, \nrun after him for ten more, and then had to \nchase him down with a shotgun to get him \nbefore a preacher. Do you suppose that I\'m \ngoing to settle for bare cost of shoe leather \nand ammunition !" \n\n\n\nTHE WILLIAM GOAT. \n\nMary had a William Goat \n\n^nd he was black as jet; \nHe followed Mary \'round all day, \n\nAnd liked her! you just bet! \n\nHe went with her to school one day, \n\nThe teacher kicked him out; \nIt made the children grin, you know, \n\nTo have the goat about. \n\nBut though old Whackem kicked him out, \n\nYet still he lingered near; \nHe waited just outside the door \n\nTill Whackem did appear. \n\nThen William ran to meet the man, \n\ni-e ran his level best; \nAnd met him just behind, you know, \n\nDown just below the vest. \n\nOld Whackem turned a somersault; \n\nThe goat stood on his head; \nAnd Mary laughed herself so sick \n\nShe had to go to bed. \n\n108 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA MISUNDERSTANDING. \n\nA well-dressed man, with his hat tilted \nback on his ruffled hair, and an excited look \nin his eyes, entered Devoe\'s art store at 101 \nFulton street on Wednesday afternoon and \nstalked up to the counter, behind which \nseveral clerks were standing. The man \nslapped his hand imperatively on the counter. \n"I want a quarter V a million," he cried, \n"and I want it quick." \n\nThe clerks turned pale and stared at the \nstranger. A porter slid quietly to the door \nto get a policeman. The well-dressed \nbut excited stranger started at the clerks in \nastonishment. \n\n"What the dickens is the matter with you \nfellows, anyhow?" he cried. "Can\'t I get \na quarter V a million without you having \nfits?" \n\n"Pray don\'t get excited," said a clerk, pat- \nting the man on the arm. "The porter has \njust gone after it. We can\'t get so much \nmoney in a second, you know." \n\nThe stranger looked thoughtful a mo- \nment, then laughed, and the laugh gave the \nclerks another unpleasant shock : \n\n"Ha, ha !" said the stranger. "I see, I \n109 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nsee. Don\'t get alarmed. I merely want \npaint \xe2\x80\x94 paint, not cash. A quart of Vermil- \nlion paint." \n\n"The clerks recovered their self-posses- \nsion. "I beg your pardon," said one, "but \n3\'ou talked so fast that it sounded as if you \nhad demanded a quarter of a million. We \nthought you meant dollars." \n\nThe stranger got his paint and the clerks \nwent out and treated themselves. \n\n\n\nCLOSE QUARTERS. \n\nA New York street car was fearfully \ncrowded, and one gentleman who was jam- \nmed up against another gentleman said to \nhim : \n\n"This is worse than the black hole of Cal- \ncutta. I\'m almost suffocated. A sardine \nin a box when compared to this jam is a \nhermit in a desert." \n\n"It don\'t seem at all crowded to me. I \nwas in Washington during the inaugura- \ntion," replied the other party cheerfully. \n\n\n\nWhy is a spider a good correspondent? \nBecause he drops a line at every post. \nno \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPAT\'S REASON. \n\nHERE was once an Irish- \nman, who sought em- \nployment as a diver, \nbringing with him his \nnative enthusiasm and a \ncertain amount of experience. Although \nhe had never been beneath the water, he had \ncrossed an ocean of one variety and swallow- \ned nearly an ocean of another. But he had \nthe Hibernian smile, which is convincing, \nand the firm chanced to need a new man. \nAnd so on the following Monday morning \nPat hid his smile for the first time in a \ndiving helmet. \n\nNow, the job upon which the crew to \nwhich Pat had attached himself was working \nin comparatively shallow water, and Pat \nwas provided with a pick and told to use it \non a ledge below in a manner with which he \nwas already familiar. \n\nDown he went with his pick, and for \nabout fifteen minutes nothing was heard \nfrom him. Then came a strong, determin- \ned, deliberate pull on the signal rope, indi- \ncating that Pat had a very decided wish to \ncome to the top. The assistants pulled \nin \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nhim hastily to the raft and removed his hel- \nmet. \n\n\'Take off the rist av it," said Pat. \n\n"Take off the rest of it?" \n\n"Yis," said Pat. "Oi\'ll worrik no longer \non a domn job phere Oi can\'t spit on me \nhands." \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Col. A. J. Brown. \n\n\n\nON THE STAIRS. \n\nWe were sitting, after waltzing, \n\nOn the stairs. \nHe, before I could forbid it, \nStole a rose, ere yet I missed it, \nAnd, as tenderly he kissed it, \nSwiftly in his pocket hid it, \n\nUnawares. \n\n\n\nWe were talking, after waltzing, \n\nOn the stairs. \nI had said that he should rue it, \nAnd a lecture I intended, \nWhich I think he apprehended; \nI was kissed before I knew it, \n\nUnawares. \n\nWe were silent, after waltzing, \n\nOn the stairs, \nI had stormed with angry feeling, \nBut he spoke love, never heeding, \nAnd my eyes fell \'neath his pleading, \nAll my depth of love revealing. \n\nUnawares. \xe2\x80\x94 Boston Courier. \n\n112 \n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor. \n\nTHE JOKER IS NOW MISSING. \n\nThe other day a man, hitherto without \na spot on his character, inquired with well- \nfeigned innocence : \n\n"How can five persons divide five eggs \nso that each man will receive one and still \none remain in the dish?\'\' \n\nAfter the company went all but distracted \nin the mazes of this proposition, the fellow \nmeanly said : \n\n"One takes the dish with the egg" \n\n\n\nOUT OF SIGHT. \n\nThe servant of a naval commander, an \nIrishman, one day let a tea kettle fall into \nthe sea, upon which he ran to his master : \n"Arrah, an\' plase your honor, can anything \nbe said to be lost when you know where it \nis?" \n\n"Certainly not," replied the officer. \n\n"Why, thin, by my sowl and St. Patrick, \nthe tea kettle is at the bottom of the say." \n\n\n\nFILLED A WANT. \n\nHe was cutting an item from a news- \npaper. \n\n"It tells how a house was robbed, and I \n\n"3 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nwant to show it to my wife," he explained. \n\n"What good will that do?" a friend in- \nquired. \n\n"A whole lot," was the reply. "You see, \nthis house was robbed while the man was \nat church with his wife." \n\n"Say !" exclaimed the friend, excitedly, \n"you haven\'t got a duplicate copy of that \npaper, have you?" \n\n\n\nSULLIVAN AND ALBERT EDWARD. \n\nJohn L. Sullivan says that the King \nof England has a keen sense of humor. \n"The Prince told me a story once," said \nSullivan, "which struck me as being real \ngood. He said he met an Irish pugilist and \nhe asked him if he could whip any man in \nIreland. \n\n" \'No,\' said the Irishman readily, \'but I \ncan whip any man in England.\' " \n\n\n\nBrown \xe2\x80\x94 Up at Hagenbeck\'s show there \nis a large bear that hugs a woman without \nkilling her. \n\nJones \xe2\x80\x94 That\'s nothing. I\'ve often seen \na lobster do that. \n\nJ 14 \n\n\n\nRare- Bits of Humor \\ \n\n\n\n\nA HINT TO LOVERS. \n\nSaid a chap in an off-handed way, \nTo a damsel coquettish and gay, \n" I wonder if I \nHad the heart to apply \nFor a kiss, would I get it or nay?" \n\nThen the maiden with cunning replied, \n"Stich requests should be always denied \nIt is safest and best \nTo defer your request\xe2\x80\x94 \nAt least until after you\'ve tried." \n\n\n\nHIS REASON. \n\nA man in Texas was arrested for running \naway with three sisters \xe2\x80\x94 triplets \xe2\x80\x94 and was \nplaced on trial. \n\n"You are a nice fellow," said the judge, \nas a preliminary. \n\n"I know it, jedge; leastwhile that\'s what \nthe gals said.\'\' \n\n"What do you mean by running away \n\n"5 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nwith three women, and ruining the peace of \na happy family?" \n\n"I meant to marry \'em, jedge." \n"Insatiate monster, would not one suf- \nfice ?" \n\n"Put it a leetle plainer, jedge." \n"Wouldn\'t one have been enough?" \n"It mought looked that er way to you, \njedge, and did to me at fust, but you see \nthere was three of \'em, kind of one set \nlike." \n\n"That doesn\'t count in law." \n"Mebbe it don\'t, jedge, but them gals and \nme talked it all over, and they was mighty \nattached to each other, and said it was a \npity for me to take one of them triplets \nand break the set, so we just concluded to \nhang together, and I\'ll be durned if we \nwasn\'t a hangin\' right out fer Utah, and \nno mistake." \n\n"The law does not recognize any such \nexcuses." \n\n"All right, ole man; go ahead. There \nwas three agin one, and if I have to suffer, \nI kin stand it ; but I want to say right here, \njedge, if any fool cuss breaks that set while \nI\'m suffering I\'ll break his durned skull as \n116 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nshore as I\'m a dyin\' sinner, and you can \nbet a rawhide on it." \nThe case was continued. \n\n\n\nAN UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR. \n\nThat was a sad affair which happened \nyesterday. A stranger who, we have every \nreason to believe, meant well, mounted a \ngoods box to address a crowd of gentle- \nmen who had shamrock in their hats. The \nstranger had a yellow ribbon in his but- \ntonhole. \n\n"This," said he, directing attention to \nthe ribbon, "is the emblem of the patriot; \nthe color \xe2\x80\x94 " He got no farther. \n\n"Why in the world did you wear a yel- \nlow ribbon on such an occasion?" asked the \ndoctor, as he propped him up in bed. \n\n"Was it yellow, doctor?" \n\n"It was." \n\n"I understand it all now," said the patient \nwearily. I\'m a railroad brakeman, and col- \nor blind." \n\n\n\nThe Man \xe2\x80\x94 Edison\'s a wonder, isn\'t he? \nThe Maid \xe2\x80\x94 I don\'t think so ! You can\'t \nturn his incandescent lights down low. \n117 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nORDER CANCELLED. \n\nA week previous to the return of the \n69th Regt., N. G., of N. Y., from Chicka- \nmauga, an Irishman connected with one of \nthe prominent Irish organizations went to \na telephone and called up the well-known \nfirm of horse dealers, Fiss, Dorr & Carroll, \nof N. Y. City, and the following conversa- \ntion ensued: "I am Tom Gallagher, one of \nthe Committee of the A. O. H.., and we \nwant you to sind up to the headquarters of \nour association, on Monday morning next, \nTwinty-Five Milk White Horses, as we are \ngoing down to the Hoboken ferry to receive \nthe gallant 69th \'boys.\' " One of the firm \nanswers back: "We have only ten White \nHorses on hand at present, but we expect \nabout three hundred Green Horses in a day \nor two and possibly will be able to select \nthe balance from that lot." Gallagher be- \ncame excited and says : "Well, if that is \nthe case cancel the order for the Twinty- \nfive White Horses and sind us up Fifty \nGreen Horses. \xe2\x80\x94 Alex. J. Brown. \n\n\n\nAfter a man has been married a few years \nhis bump of hope becomes a dent. \n\nus \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nSHE GOT THE VERDICT. \n\nERMIT me to remark you \nshould never cross-ques- \ntion an Irshman if you are \nwise, says one of the fore- \nmost railroad attorneys of \nthe age. "Even if he does \nnot think of an answer he \nwill stumble into some bull \nthat will demoralize the court and jury, and \nwhenever a witness tickles a jury his testi- \nmony gains vastly in its influence. \n\n"Yes, I\'m speaking from experience. The \nonly witness who ever made me throw up \nmy hands and leave the courtroom was a \ngreen Irishman. A section hand had been \nkilled by an express train and his widow \nwas suing for damages. I had a good case, \nbut made the mistake of trying to turn the \nmain witness inside out. \n\n"In his quaint way he had given a gra- \nphic description of the fatality, occasionally \nshedding tears and calling on the saints. \nAmong other things he swore positively \nthe locomotive whistle was not sounded un- \ntil after the whole train had passed over \n\n"9 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nhis departed friend. Then I thought I had \nhim. \n\n" \'See here, McGinnis,\' said I, \'you admit \nthat the whistle blew ?\' \n\n" \'Yis, sor ; it blewed, sor.\' \n\n" \'Now if that whistle sounded in time to \ngive Michael warning the fact would be in \nfavor of the company, wouldn\'t it?\' \n\n" \'Yis, sor, and Mike would be tistifyin\' \nhere this day.\' The jury giggled. \n\n" \'Never mind that. You were Mike\'s \nfriend, and you would like to help his \nwidow out, but just tell me now what \nearthly purpose there could be for the en- \ngineer to blow that whistle after Mike had \nbeen struck.\' \n\n\' T preshume thot the whistle wore for \nthe nixt man on the thrack, sor.\' \n\n"I left and the widow got all she asked." \n\n\n\nSO GLAD. \n\nWife (with solicitude of tone) \xe2\x80\x94 "It must \nbe very lonesome sitting all by yourself at \nnight, balancing your books." \n\nHusband (tenderly) \xe2\x80\x94 "It is, my darl- \ning." \n\nWife \xe2\x80\x94 "I have been thinking about it for \n\n120 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nsome time, and now I have got a pleasant \nsurprise for you." \n\nHusband \xe2\x80\x94 "A pleasant surprise?" \n\nWife \xe2\x80\x94 "Yes, dearest. I sent for mother \nyesterday, and I expect her this evening. \nI mean to have her stay with us quite \nawhile. She will take care of the house at \nnight and look to the children, and I can \ngo down and sit in the office with you while \nyou work." \n\nHusband \xe2\x80\x94 "The dev \xe2\x80\x94 that is to say, I \ncouldn\'t think of you going down town." \n\nWife \xe2\x80\x94 "It\'s my duty, dearest. I ought \nto have thought of it before, but it never \ncame to my mind till yesterday. Oh ! John, \nforgive me for not thinking of your com- \nfort sooner. But I will go and sit with you \ntonight." \n\nHusband\xe2\x80\x94 "Tonight ! Why, I\xe2\x80\x94 I\xe2\x80\x94 the \nfact is I got through with my books last \nnight." \n\nWife\xe2\x80\x94 "You did? How delightful! And \nso you can now stay at home every evening. \nI\'m so glad !" \n\nAnd the delighted wife ran off to make \npreparations for the reception of her moth- \ner, while the husband, with sombre brow, \n\n121 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nsat looking at the picture of a poker party, \nwith one member absent, in the glowing \ngrate. \n\n\n\n"I presume you carry a memento of some \nsort in that locket of yours?" \n\n\'\'Precisely; it is a lock of my husband\'s \nhair." \n\n"But your husband is still alive." \n\n"Yes, sir, but his hair is all gone." \n\n\n\nWITH ALL HER FAULTS 1 LOVE HER. \n\nIt\'s true she writes a scrawly hand, \nPuts in two "t\'s" when one would do, \nAnd spells "dog" with an extra "g;" \nBut not a girl in this wide land \nIs half so dear, and very few \nOne tenth as sweet as she to me. \n\nDear thing! she sometimes says "I seen," \n"They was," "Fs not," or "so be you;" \n"Them\'s yours," "they\'s good" \xe2\x80\x94 harsh to \nm^ ears; \nBut she is still my lovely queen, \n\nWhose heart-beats are to mine most true, \nAnd will be yet for many years. \n\nSome say that love is blind, and I \nWould add that love is deaf also, \n\nThougli grammarless and spelling bad, \nMy love i s handsome, sweet and shy. \nThe secret of our love you\'d know? \n\nfene\'s only five and I\'m 1 r dad. \xe2\x80\x94 Anon \n\n122 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nFROM HLLAR TO POST. \n\nHE man at the desk looked \nup. \n\nA small boy stood in \nthe doorway. \n\n"Are yon the man that \nanswers the questions in \n\n\n\nthe \n\n\n\nnewspaper t \n\n\n\nasked \n\n\n\nthe boy. \n\n"Yes. What can I do for you?" \n"Why, it\'s this way. I found a pocket- \nbook the other day. It had 30 cents in it. I \ntook it to the newspaper office to advertise it, \ncause I thought that was the honest thing, \nand they told me it would cost 30 cents. \nNow, if I take the money out of the pocket- \nbook to pay for the advertising there won\'t \nbe any left for the man that owns it, and I \ndon\'t think it\'s my place to advertise it and \npay for it myself. Do you?" \n\n"Is the pocketbook itself worth any- \nthing?" \n\n"It\'s no good on earth. Look at it." \n\n"I see it isn\'t," said the man at the desk. \n\n"What\'s bothering you, my son, is that yon \n\nwant to know whether it would be right, \n\nunder the circumstances, for you to keep \n\n123 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nthe pocketbook and the money. Is that it?" \n"Well, I want to do the square thing." \n"I see. It resolves into a matter of \n\nconscience. Why don\'t you go and ask \n\nyour pastor?" \n\n"I did," said the boy, "and he sent me to \n\nyou." \n\n\n\nBANGS THAT CAUGHT ON. \n\nIt isn\'t every girl who will tell on herself, \nbut one did. She came to the store and re- \nturned a fine pair of bangs she had bought \nthe day previously. "Can you not sell me \nsome that will not come off?" \n\n"Come off! Why these will stay witii \nvery little care." \n\n"Oh, they are horrid. They catch on col- \nlar buttons and pull off." \n\nThe proprietress fainted, the assistant fell \non the chair and screamed "What !" while \nthe young lady departed bangless and with- \nout her change. \n\n\n\nA Woman Customer \xe2\x80\x94 Where can I buy \npowder ? \n\nThe Shop Walker \xe2\x80\x94 Face, gun or bug, \nmadam ? \n\n124 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA SMART KID. \n\nHE fact is I consider myself \nfairly up to snuff," said the \njournalist, "and I keep myself \nin pretty good shape by work- \ning off all the sharp things I \nhear on my oldest boy, a \nyoungster of about 12 years \nand 3 months. He\'s no slouch himself, \ntakes after his dad, you know, but I usually \ndown him before I finish. The other \nnight I came home with a pretty fair bunch \nin a small package and was gloating over \nmy victory in advance." \n\n" \'Say, Buster,\' said I to him, \xe2\x80\x94 Buster, \nisn\'t his name, but that\'s what I call him \nwhen his mother isn\'t listening \xe2\x80\x94 I\'ve got \none for you. Stand up and take it. What \nis the longest word in the dictionary ?\' \n\n" Transmagnificanjubandality,\' said he, \nfollowing some old instructions I had given \nhim in a previous scrap. \n" \'Nit/ said I. \n: \' \'Give it up,\' said he. \n" Tt\'s smiles," said I, \'because there\'s a \n"mile" between the first letter and the last.\' \n" \'Rats,\' said he in a tone of disgust. \n125 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\'\'\' \'And what\'s the next," said I. \n\n" \'Pass," said he. \n\n" \'Rubber,\' said I, \'because if it isn\'t long \nenough you can stretch it.\' \n\n"Buster was still for a minute as if think- \ning. Then he came at me. \n\n" \'Your "smiles" is good enough,\' said he, \n\'and your "rubber" ain\'t so bad, but I know \na word that\'s longer.\' \n\n"\'What is it?" said I. \n\n" \'Guess again,\' said he. \n\n" \'There isn\'t any,\' said I. \n\n" \'Bet you a new overcoat,\' said he with \nconfidence. \n\n\' \'Done,\' said I for I had to get him one \nanyhow. \'What\'s the word?\' \n\n" \'L-o-n-g-e-r,\' said he spelling it out \nslowly, and I hiked back to the rear and sat \ndown/ " \n\n\n\n"Your father has a strong box at home, \nhasn\'t he, Willie?" said the teacher. \n\n"Yes\'m," replied Willie ; "the one he keeps \nthe limburger in." \n\n\n\nA man never knows his real value until \nhe is sued for breach of promise. \n126 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nPADDY BURNS" PRISONER. \nHE ex-Senator, Thomas J. Crea- \nmer, tells a good story of the \npalmy days when the Hon. Paddy \nBurns was deputy sheriff. He \nwas frequently detailed to take \nconvicted prisoners to Sing Sing \nPrison. One day, as he approach- \ned the entrance, a mild-mannered prisoner \nheld out a pair of small white hands chain- \ned together with handcuffs. "Sheriff," he \nsaid, in pitiful accents, \'\'Look at those hands, \nthey will be no good in the quarries. I\'m \nhere for ten years. It\'ll kill me to go into \nthe quarries. You might as w T ell put a \ntitled lady in the laundry.\'\' \n\n"Ah, be aisy, now," said Paddy. "You \ntalk so much you twisht the eye of me." \n\n"I\'ve a hundred dollar bill in my vest \npocket, and \xe2\x80\x94 " \n\n"Whisper, whisper," broke in Paddy, with \nsudden interest. \n\n"It\'s my last hundred dollars," the pris- \noner continued in a low tone, "and it\'s yours \nif you\'ll only keep me out of the quarries." \n\n"What can ye do, now?" Paddy inquired. \n127 \n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor, \n\n"Any light work/\' was the reply. "Can \nyou get me something easy ?" \n\n"Well \xe2\x80\x94 now \xe2\x80\x94 I don\'t know. Are ye \nhandy wid a pin ?" \n\n"Handy with a pen?" repeated the cap- \ntive with sudden energy. "Heavens, man, \nI\'m too handy. That\'s what I\'m here for." \n\n\n\nA NEW NAME FOR IT. \n\nI happened to be walking behind a couple \nof school children the other day, when one, \na lad of about nine years, turned to his com- \npanion and said: "Say, Skinny, we don\'t \nsay \'chestnuts\' no more down to our school, \nwe say church bell." \n\n"Aw, g\'long. Yer tryin\' to get off some \ngag on me." \n\n"No, I hain\'t. Hope to die, and cross my \nheart, if I am !" \n\n"Honestly and truly?" \n\n"Ah, ha!" \n\n"Well, then, if there ain\'t no gag, why \ndo you say church bell?" \n\n"\'Cause it\'s been tolled before." \n\n"Hah ! I don\'t see anything so very fun- \nny about that." \n\n128 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nA SEANCE OF FORGETFULNESS. \n\nHREE ladies at tea during \nconversation, fell upon the \nsubject of their respective \nhusbands\' hopeless condition \nof "forgetfulness." One \nwas a clergyman\'s wife, one was a grocery- \nman\'s spouse and the third was a drummer\'s \nbetter half. Says Mrs. Divinity: "Why \nmy husband is so absent-minded that I have \nto continually exert the most watchful care, \nor he\'ll preach the same sermon over two or \nthree times." \n\nThe groceryman\'s wife said : "My hus- \nband \xe2\x80\x94 I can\'t for my life really understand \nwhat has got into him lately; we cannot \ntrust him to fill any of the orders that come \ninto the store. If we do he gets them all \nmixed up and the customers are making a \nfearful fuss; he\'s the most forgetful man I \never heard of." \n\nIt had now arrived for Mrs. Drummer\'s \nexperience. We all know the versatility of \nthe knight of the "grip" for yarning, and \nas the sequel will show the drummer\'s wife \nhad partaken of his fund of humor. Says \nshe : "Talk about forgetfulness ; why, my \n129 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nhusband \'takes the bun.\' He came home the \nother night after a protracted trip of sev- \neral weeks\' duration. We had retired, and \nas he was fatigued he went right to sleep. \nShortly his hand fell to stroking my cheek. \nAt the same time he said : \'Darling, won\'t \nyou please tell me what your real name is." \n\xe2\x80\x94 Providence Dispatch. \n\n\n\nDELICATELY DONE. \n\n"Ah, madam," he said, as he extended a \nhand to help her up. "I never saw a more \ngraceful fall. You threw up your arms like \na born actress, your little feet indulged in a \nshuffle, and down you settled with a swan- \nlike movement, which was superb." \n\n"Really, sir?" \n\n"Honest Injun, madam." \n\nAnd he picked up a No. 7 rubber which \nhad been flung from her left foot, turned \nher back to a dint in the snow which looked \nas if a cottage had been upset there, and, \nraising his hat and making a profound bow, \nhe took his leave, while she got aboard a \nstreet car and continued to blush and smile \nfor sixteen blocks. \n\n130 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTHINK \'EM OVER. \nHEAR they are trying to \nclose up the gambling estab- \nlishments in New York. Why \ndidn\'t they close up Adam? \nHe was the first gambler. \nDidn\'t he start the races? \n\nA woman has more on her \nthan a man. She\'s scared \nto death of a mouse. And yet she\'ll go \n\'round all day with a rat in her hair. \n\nThis morning a little after 12 \xc2\xa9\'clock as \nI was coining home I was approached by a \nhighwayman. I said to him ; "what do you \nwant?" He said, \'\'what you have got." \n\nAs he reached for his gun, his foot slip- \nped and I held him up. \n\nThe other day as I was walking up the \nstreet, a man picked up a paving stone and \nthrew it at a Hebrew. The Hebrew dodged \nand the stone struck me in the synagogue \n\xe2\x80\x94 the temple, I mean. \n\n\xe2\x80\x94 Frank Citshman. \n\n\n\n"I went to bed last night and dreamed \nthat I died." \n\n"And the heat woke you up?" \n131 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nCORRECTING A MISTAKE. \n\nThe tender of a drawbridge over Harlem \nriver, who had swung his portcullis to al- \nlow a schooner to pass up the river, was \nwarml and violently assailed by the captain \nof the craft for some slight inattention to \nduty a few days previous. \n\n"If I had you down on the deck of this \nvessel I\'d break our neck," said the skipper, \nshaking his fist like a small ham. \n\n"Yer would, would ye, yer check-headed \nsalthorse ? If yer was on the plankin\' of the \nbridge I\'d knock the flure wid yer ugly car- \ncass, an\' hang yer up to dry on the truss." \n\n"Shut up, you animated slush bucket. For \ntwo brass pins I\'d send my cabin boy up to \nfeed distillery hogs with your remains, you \nchop-snooted son of a gun." \n\n"Arrah, ye bandy-legged horse-marine, \nI\'ve a big notion to drop down off the bridge \nan\' maul yer to a pulp." \n\n"Well, why don\'t you drop?" sneered the \ncaptain. "Just drop and I\'ll feed fishes with \nyou." \n\n"Yer a lyin\' skip-jack." \n\n"You\'re a red-nosed scavenger with blue \nmould and a cock eye. I am going to tie up \n132 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Ham or. \n\njust above here, and I\'ll give you a lively in- \nterview when I get ashore." \n\n"Is it tie up yer goin\' ter be after doin?" \ninquired the bridge tender anxiously. \n\n"That\'s just what I\'m going to do, cap." \n\n"Kerrect, me lad. When yer have tied \nup yer schooner, kum oop here, and we\'ll \ntake in the lager beer saloon jist ferninst \nthe aste ind of the bridge. Perhaps I\'ve \nmade a mistake." \n\n"All right, my heartie. Mebbe I too was \na little quick, but I\'ll be there, because when \nI drink I always aim to do it with gentle- \nmen." \n\n"An\' it\'s a gentleman yer is, cap." \n\n\n\nTHE RETORT COURTEOUS. \n\nA Scotch girl, rosy cheeked and demure, \nwas in one corner of a compartment in a \nContinental train. In the corner opposite \nsat a heavy German. The Scotch girl was \nreading in the Bible. The German noticed \nthe fact. After looking the girl over criti- \ncally he asked her whether she actually be- \nlieved all she found in the Bible. \n\n"Aye," answered she, raising her eyes to \nhim from the page. \n\n133 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\'Xot the story of Adam and Eve?" \n\n"Aye." \n\n"And of Cain and Abel?" \n\n"Aye." \n\n"But certainly you don\'t believe the story \nof Jonah and the whale?" \n\nThe girl said she believed that, too. The \nGerman was puzzled. \n\n"But how are you going to prove it? Ask \nJonah when you get to heaven?" \n\nThat idea struck the girl as a good one, \nand she said she could prove it that way. \n\n"Suppose he isn\'t there? What then? \nHow would you prove it?" \n\n"Ah," said the demure maiden, "then \nyou ask him." \n\n\n\nSHE MARRIED A LORD. \n\n"What has become of your neice, Miss \nMurphy, Mrs. O\'Raherty?" \n\n"Och, sure an\' she\'s done well wid her- \nsilf. She married a lord." \n\n"Why, you don\'t tell me ! An English \nlord?" \n\n"No; I don\'t think he\'s an English lord. \nHe\'s a landlord. He kapes a hotel out in \nIndiana." \n\n134 \n\n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor. \n\nO, WOMAN, LOVELY WOMAN. \n\nERHAPS you don\'t imagine \nthat there are some queer \ncouples in the world, re- \nmarked a real estate agent. \n"The other day a man and \na woman called to see me \nabout renting a flat. The woman did all the \ntalking, and turned to the man for confirma- \ntion or corroboration. He always agreed \nwith her, and did it very meekly." \n\n"Well," said the woman, "I\'ll give you \n$25 for this flat; won\'t we, John?" \n"Yes\'m." \n\n"And I\'ll pay my rent promptly, too; \nwon\'t we, John ?" \n"Yes\'m." \n\n"And take good care of the house ; won\'t \nI, John?" \n"Yes\'m." \n\n"But," I inquired, as is usual in such \ncases, "are you man and wife?" \n\n"Man and wife !" exclaimed the woman, \nsharply ; "indeed, we are not ; are we, \nJohn?" \n"No\'m." \n\n"What!" says I, "not man and wife?" \n135 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n"Not much! I\'d have you know that in \nthis family we are wife and man; ain\'t we, \nJohn ?" \n\n"Yes\'m." \n\n\n\nHOW TO GET RID OF HIM. \n\nA middle aged but rich widow, who had a \nvery disagreeable temper, being in fact a \nperfect virago, complained to her son-in-law \nthat she was annoyed by the attentions of \na certain man. \n\n"How shall I get rid of him ?" she asked. \n\n"Marry him," laconically replied the son- \nin-law. \n\n"I\'d see him hanged first." \n\n"Just marry him, and it won\'t be long be- \nfore he\'ll hang himself." \n\n\n\nWHY HER TEMPER WAS BAD. \n"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of \none of the greatest of ancient philosophers, \nwas a great scold?" \n\n"Certainly; but just think what a great \ntease her husband was." \n"A great tease?" \n"Yes; Socrates." \n\n136 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nNO MORE KISSING. \n\nGOOD many male friends \nof Bill Chinks attended \nhis wedding, which took \nplace in a room of the \nbride\'s parents\' residence \nin the country a few \nevenings ago. After the \nminister had finished the ceremony, Bill, \nwithout moving from his position, said : \n\n"Now, Mr. Preacher, what\'s yer charge \nfur splicin\' us ?" \n\n"Oh, well, just what you feel like giving." \n"Wall, I feel like givin\' a good deal, fur it \nwas a good job. But here\'s a quarter, \nwhich is all I\'ve got." \n\n"Very well, sir; I can\'t take more than \nis given me." \n\nAnd then Bill, taking hold of his bride\'s \nright hand with his left, turned to the crowd \nand said : \n\n"Now, gentleman, I don\'t know but all \nyou fellers may hav had a whack at kissin\' \nMariar afore she wus married, but now this \n\'ere gal\'s my property. I\'ve paid fur her \nand she\'s mine; and the first feller I catch \nor hear of kissin* her agin I\'ll whale. \n137 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nThem\'s my terms. Now let the fiddler chune \nup his vierlin." \n\n\n\nTHE EFFICACY OF A COUNTERSIGN. \n\nWhile Colonel Gilman, with the Middle \nTennessee Regiment, was occupying Nash- \nville during the late war, he stationed sen- \ntries and patrols in all the principal streets \nin the city. \n\nOne day an Irishman who had not been \nlong enlisted was put on duty at a promi- \nnent crossing, and he kept a sharp and faith- \nful watch. Presently a citizen came along. \n\n"Halt! Who goes there?" \n\n"A citizen," was the response. \n\n"Advance and give the countersign." \n\n"I have not the countersign," replied the \nindignant citizen, "and the demand for it \nat this time and place is unusual." \n\n"Well, begorrah ! ye don\'t pass this way \nuntil ye say Bunker Hill." \n\nThe citizen, appreciating the situation, \nsmiled and advanced to the sentry, and cau- \ntiously whispered the magic words. \n\n"Right ! Pass on !" and the wide-awake \nsentinel resumed his beat. \n\n138 \n\n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nSUSPICIOUS. \n\nERE in Washington lives \na young woman who, \nwhile not a conspicuous \nbeauty, is by no means \nhomely as she affects to \nbelieve. A young man has been devoting \nmuch of his time to her, and she has given \nhim reason to think that his society pleased \nher. The other evening he said : \n\n"Do you believe that you could learn to \ncare for anybody well enough to marry \nhim?" \n\nShe caught her breath and then answered \nin a low tone : \n\n"Yes ; I am sure I could." \n"Have you \xe2\x80\x94 have you anybody in your \nmind for whom you could care in this way?" \n"Yes." \n\n"Tell me; am T that person?" \nShe opened her lips to speak and then \nclosed them without speaking. She looked \nat him narrowly for a moment, and then \nsaid : \n\n"First answer me one question." \n"What is it?" \n\n"Are you doing this on a bet?" \n139 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nTOO MUCH FOR HIM. \n\nMr. Hummer had appeared to be nervous \nfor some time. \n\nEver and anonymously he would lower \nhis paper and look over his spectacles at the \nclock, and his face would take on a more \ncruel and determined expression. \n\nMrs. Hummer said nothing, as she rap- \nidly plied her needle, but occasionally she \nalso would cast furtive and anxious glances \nat her husband\'s face. \n\nNeither the husband nor the wife broke \nthe silence, until the old-fashioned clock on \nthe mantle-piece had a mysterious inward \nconvulsion, and chimed out the hour of n. \nThen, with a sudden gesture, Mr. Hummer \nthrew down his paper, and turned to his \nwife, with suppressed fierceness in his man- \nner, and asked : \n\n"Is that young Beauman in the parlor \nyet?" \n\nMrs. Hummer could only nod in reply, \nwhile her face assumed an even more anx- \nious expression. \n\nA moment Mr. Hummer hesitated, and \nthen, rising with but poorly concealed anger, \nhe drew upon his right foot the heavy boot \n140 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nwhich had covered it during the day, and, \nwhile dear, timid little Airs. Hummer con- \ncealed her face in her handkerchief, tiptoed \nsoftly out into the front hall, and as silently \nclosed the door. \n\nAll was still. The silence seemed almost \npainful to the tender-hearted little mother \nwaiting in the living room, and she longed \nto warn her daughter\'s lover of his peril. \n\nMinutes passed, which seemed as hours, \nbut there came to her ears no sound of viol- \nent altercation. The suspense was terrible. \n\nSuddenly the door opened softly, and old \nMr. Hummer tiptoed in again, like the "Son \nJohn" of history, with one boot off and one \nboot on, and stood before her. \n\nFor full a minute he stood gazing silently \nat his wife, with a puzzled expression upon \nhis face, while faintly indistinctly from the \nparlor came the soft sound of sweet con- \nverse still unbroken. \n\n"Well?" interrogated Mrs. Hummer at \nlength. \n\n"Well," answered tbe old man, "what do \n\nyou b\'l\'eve that impudent youn snipper \n\nsnapper has got but a short-nosed, loppered, \n\ncross-eyed, bow-legged, white bull pup lay- \n\n141 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nin\' on the mat in front of the parlor door, \nthat won\'t let a fond parent come within \nten feet of him." \n\n\n\nHIS WIFE WAS WITH HIM. \n\n"So you\'ve been out West ?" he queried of \na citizen who returned the other day. \n\n"Yes." \n\n"Lots of snow out there?" \n\n"Millions of acres. I was snowbound on \na train for fifteen hours. There were twen- \nty-two ballet girls in my car." \n\n"And your wife was with you?" \n\n"Alas ! yes." \n\n"Great Scott ! but how you must have \nsuffered !" \n\n\n\nHE WAS POSTED. \n\n"What is the leading branch in your \nschool?" asked a lady of a teacher. \n\nBefore the teacher could vouchsafe a re- \nply, a little boy interrupted the conversation \nwith : \n\n"I know !" \n\n"And what is it, little boy?" asked the \nlady. \n\n"That switch in the corner, ma\'am." \n142 \n\n\n\n\nRare -Bits of Humor. \n\nHIS OWN GRANDFATHER. \n\nHEN I married the \nwidow she had a \ngrown up step- \ndaughter. My fa- \nther came to see me, \nof course, and, being \na widower, he fell \nin love with my- \nstep-daughter and married her. My father, \ntherefore, became my son-in-law, and my \nstep-daughter became my mother, because \nshe had married my father. \n\nIn due time my wife had a son, who was. \nof course, my father\'s brother-in-law and \nmy uncle, for he was the brother of my step- \ndaughter. My father\'s wife, who was my \nstep-daughter, remember, also had a son, \nwho was my brother and at the same time \nmy grandchild, for he was the son of my \ndaughter. \n\nNow my wife was my grondmother, be- \ncause she was my mother\'s mother. I was \ntherefore, my wife\'s husband and grand- \nchild, and as the husband of a person\'s \ngrandmother is his grandfather, I was my \nown grandfather. \n\n143 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nWHAT KILLED HIM. \n\nWife (with newspaper) to husband \xe2\x80\x94 \xe2\x96\xa0 \n"Here is another forcible temperance lec- \nture : (Reads) \'Young Spillers got into a \nboat and shoved out into the river, and as \nhe was intoxicated, he upset the boat, fell \ninto the river and was drowned.\' Now, sir \n(addressing her husband), if he had not \ndrunk whisky he would not have lost his \nlife." \n\nHusband \xe2\x80\x94 "Let me see. He fell into the \nriver, didn\'t he?" \n\nWife\xe2\x80\x94 "Of course he did." \n\nHusband\xe2\x80\x94 "Didn\'t die until he fell in?" \n\nWife \xe2\x80\x94 "James, you are positively silly. \nOf course he didn\'t die until he was drown- \ned." \n\nHusband \xe2\x80\x94 "Then it was the water that \nkilled him." \n\n\n\nCHANGEABLE MAILS. \n\n"The mails have changed, madam," said \nthe clerk at the post office window, in \nanswer to a question about the time for the \narrival of the letter pouch. \n\n"Yes, indeed," replied the old lady, plac- \ning both hands on the window edge and \n144 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nlooking straight into the clerk\'s eyes, "the \nmales have changed. When I was a girl \nwe didn\'t hear of half the wickedness that \nwe do now, and all owing to the males." \n\n"But the mails I mean " \n\n"I know what males you mean. The pa- \npers are full of their goin\'s on. And it\'s a \nperfect shame. Seems though men get mar- \nried nowadays just to be supported. When \n1 was a girl a man would a-been ashamed \nto live off his wife\'s money ; but law, they \nthink nothing of it now. They even hold \nthemselves in the market to be bought up by \nsome rich girl, like that Prince of What-you- \nmay-call-it, over in Paris. Broke off the \nengagement because she didn\'t bid high \nenough, didn\'t he? A man like that ought \nnot to be worth more \'n five cents. Any- \nhow, you\'re (mite right, young man, tne \nmales have changed." \n\nThen the old lady went away, pleased \nthat she had been able to free her mind. \n\n\n\nThe street car lurched, she fell ker-flump ! \nBut got up with a happy smile, \nAnd to the young man said : "Please, sir, \nHow many laps are to the mile?" \n\n145 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nWHERE HE WAS GREAT. \n\nShe had purchased two boxes of matches \na few minutes before, and as she returned \nthe grocer asked: \n\n"Did you forget something?" \n\n"It\'s about the matches, sir," she replied. \n"I see you have given me two boxes of par- \nlor matches." \n\n"Well, isn\'t that all right?" \n\n"No, sir. I\'ve got to use them in the \nkitchen as well. You may trade one box for \nkitchen matches." \n\n\n\n"I had soup in a restaurant the other day \nand found an oyster in it." \n\n"Great Scott ! That one oyster in the \nsoup joke is old." \n\n"Yes, but this was tomato soup." \n\n\n\nThe following is a resolution of an Irish \ncorporation : "That a new jail should be \nbuilt, that this be done out of the materials \nof the old one, and the old jail to be used un- \ntil the new one be completed." \n\n\n\nWhy is a goat nearly? Because it is all \nbut. \n\n146 \n\n\n\nw \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nBARRYMORE\'S FEAR. \n\nIYE or six gentlemen were in \nChicago talking in a hotel cor- \nridor, when a wine agent in- \ntruded on a party of which \nMaurice Barrymore was one of \nthe group. He told Barry- \nmore he was a man of good \ntaste, a man of the world and all that, and \nwound up by asking : "When you want a \nbottle of wine in future will you not gratify \nme by asking for my wine?" \n\n"Why, of course," answered Barrymore, \nmost graciously. "I shall be delighted to \nask for your wine. But \xe2\x80\x94 heavens \xe2\x80\x94 sup- \npose they should have it !" \n\n\n\n\n"What do you think of the statement that \nthere are three hundred haunted houses in \nNew York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker. \n\n"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to \nshow how plentiful spirits are here. \n\n\n\n"I\'m nearly starved. Just got in from a \nthree-hour trip on the New York Central. \n\n"But couldn\'t you get anything to eat or \nthe train?" \n\n"Nope! It was a \'fast\' train." \n147 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\n\n\n\nKISSES BY MAIL. \n\nHE young postmaster of \na village post-office was \nhard at work when \na gentle tap was \nheard on the door, \nand in stepped a \nbashful maiden of \nsixteen, with a mon- \ney order, which she \ndesired cashed. She handed it to the of- \nficial with a bashful smile, who, after close- \nly examining it, handed her the money it \ncalled for. At the same time he asked her \nif she had read what was written on the \nmargin of the order. \n\n"No, I have not," she replied, "for I can- \nnot make it out. Will you please read it \nfor me?" \n\nThe young postmaster read as follows : \n"I send you $3 and a dozen kisses." \n\nGlancing at the bashful girl, he said : \n"Now, I have paid you the money and I \nsuppose you want the kisses !" \n\n"Yes," she said, "if he has sent me any \nkisses, I want them, too." \n\nIt is hardly necessary to say that the rest \n148 \n\n\n\nRare-Bits of Humor. \n\nof the order was promptly paid, and in a \nscientific manner at that, and eminently sat- \nisfactory to the country maiden. \n\nAfter she arrived home she remarked to \nher mother: "Eh, mother, but this postofhce \nsystem of ours is a great thing, developing \nmore and more every year, and each new \nfeature added seems to be the best. Jimmy \nsent me a dozen kisses along with the money \norder, and the postmaster gave me twenty. \nIt beats the special delivery system all hol- \nlow." \n\n\n\nWANTED TO BE CALLED DARLING. \n\nA Boston man who was looking for a \n"spec" in the new mineral range of the \nLake Superior district found ioo acres of \ndesirable location held by a widow, and \nwhen he asked her price she queried : "Mar- \nried or single?" \n\n"Married, ma\'am." \n\n"Then you can pass on, I\'ve had two hus- \nbands run away from me, and lost three \nchildren by death, and I\'m holding this as \na bait for something that wears breeches and \nwill call me darling." \n149 \n\n\n\nCONVIVIAL TOASTS FOR \nALL OCCASIONS. \n\n\n\nHere\'s health to Columbia, the pride of the \n\nearth, \nThe Stars and Stripes \xe2\x80\x94 drink the land of \n\nour birth ! \nToast the army and navy, who fought for \n\nour cause, \nWho conquered and won us our freedom \n\nand laws. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the land of the shamrock so green, \nHere\'s to each lad and his darling colleen, \nHere\'s to the ones we love dearest and most, \nAnd may God Bless old Ireland! \xe2\x80\x94 that\'s an \nIrishman\'s toast. \n\n\n\nA health to our sweethearts, our friends and \n\nour wives, \nAnd may fortune smile on them the rest of \n\ntheir lives. \n\n\n\nIreland and America. \xe2\x80\x94 May the former \nsoon be as free as the latter, and may the \nlatter never forget that Irishmen were in- \nstrumental in securing the liberty they now \nenjoy. \n\n150 \n\n\n\nToasts. \n\nHere\'s to you as good as you are, \n\nAnd here\'s to me as bad as I am; \n\nBut as good as you are and as bad as I am, \n\nPm as good as you are, as bad as I am. \n\n\n\nIrishmen \xe2\x80\x94 The love of liberty will burn \nin their bosoms as long as their bright isle \nis washed by the ocean. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the girl that\'s good and sweet, \nHere\'s to the girl that\'s true, \n\nHere\'s to the girl that rules my heart \xe2\x80\x94 \nIn other words, Here\'s to you. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to friends both near and far; \nHere\'s to woman, man\'s guiding star; \nHere\'s to friends we\'ve yet to meet, \nHere\'s to those here; all here I greet; \nHere\'s to childhood, youth, old age, \nHere\'s to prophet, bard and sage, \nHere\'s a health to every one, \nPeace on earth, and heaven won! \n\n\n\nThe Ladies \xe2\x80\x94 We admire them for their \nbeauty, respect them for their intelligence, \nadore them for their virtue, and love them \nbecause we can\'t help it. \n\n\n\nMay their joys be as deep as the ocean, \nLine \n\n151 \n\n\n\nAnd their misfortune as light as its foam. \n\n\n\nToasts. \n\nTo Marriage\xe2\x80\x94 The happy estate which re- \nsembles a pair of shears; so joined that they \ncannot be separated; often moving in oppo- \nsite directions, vet always punishing any- \none who comes between them. \n\n\n\nI drink it as the fates ordain it. \n\nCome fill it and have done with rhymes. \nFill up the lovely glass and drain it \n\nIn memory of dear old times. \n\nThe Lily of France may fade, \n\nThe Thistle and Shamrock wither, \n\nThe Oak of England may decay, \nBut the Stars shine on forever. \n\n\n\nIt is easy enough to be pleasant \nWhen life flows along like a song; \n\nBut the man worth while is the one who will \nsmile \nWhen everything goes dead wrong. \n\nMay Dame Fortune ever smile on you; \nBut never her daughter \xe2\x80\x94 \nMiss Fortune. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the lasses we\'ve loved, my lad, \nHere\'s to the lips we\'ve pressed; \n\nFor of kisses and lasses \n\nLike liquor in glasses, \nThe last is always the best. \n\n\n\n152 \n\n\n\nToasts, \n\nThe Frenchman love? his native wine; \n\nThe German loves his beer; \nTho Englishman loves his \'alf and \'alf, \n\nBecause it brings good cheer. \nThe Irishman loves his "whisky straight. \n\nBecause it gives him dizziness. \nThe American has no choice at all, \n\nSo he drinks the whole d busin> \n\n\n\nMay you all be Hung, Drawn and Quartered ! \n\nYes \xe2\x80\x94 hung with diamonds, \n\nDrawn in a coach and four \n\nAnd quartered in the best houses in the land. \n\n\n\nThe Daughters of Ireland, entrenched \nwithin the fortress of parental affection : May \nthey never surrender the citadel of their \nhearts, except to those who wield the arms \nof sincere love, chastened by morality and \ntemperance. \n\n\n\nTo Our America : The best land in the \nworld; let him that don\'t like it, leave it. \n\n\n\nMay we ever be able to serve a friend and \nnoble enough to conceal it. \n\n\n\nThe Irish Heart \xe2\x80\x94 Quick and strong in its \ngenerous impulses, firm in its attachments, \nsound to the core. \n\n153 \n\n\n\n/ \n\n\n\nToasts. \n\nThey talk about a woman\'s sphere \n\nAs though it had a limit; \nThere\'s not a place in earth or heaven, \nThere\'s not a task to mankind given, \nThere\'s not a blessing or a woe, \nThere\'s not a whisper yes or no, \nThere\'s not a life or birth, \nThat has a feather\'s weight of worth \xe2\x80\x94 \nWithout a woman in it. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the stork, \nA most valuable bird, \n\nThat inhabits the residence districts. \nHe doesn\'t sing tunes, \nN~or yield any plumes, \n\nBut he helps out the vital statistics. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the girl I love, J \n\nAnd here\'s to the girl who loves me, \n\nAnd here\'s to all those who love her whom I \nlove \nAnd all those who love her who love me. \n\n\n\nThe Emerald Isle \xe2\x80\x94 May her sons and \ndaughters resemble a held of potatoes in full \nbloom, beautiful to look upon; and when \ncalled on to assist the distressed, may they, \nlike the roots, prove a real blessing to the \npoor. \n\n154 \n\n\n\n1 oasts. \n\nHere\'s to the girl that\'s strictly in it, \n"Who dosen\'t lose her head even for a minut) \nPlays well the game and knows the limit, \nAnd still gets all the fun there\'s in it. \n\n\n\nWhen going up the hill of Prosperity, \nMay you never meet any friend comingdown. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the girls of the American shore, ^S \nI love but one, 1 love no more ; \n\nSince she\'s not here to drink her pan, \nI drink her share with all my heart. \n\n\n\nA cheerful glass, a pretty lass, \n\nA friend sincere and true; \nBlooming health, good store of wealth \n\nAttend on me and you. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to a Pat Hand of Queens: Mother, \nWife, Sister and Sweetheart ; the noblesi of \nall God\'s creations \xe2\x80\x94 pure, beautiful woman \n\n\n\nHere\'s a toast to all who are here \nNo matter where you\'re from; / \n\nMay the best day you have seen \nBe worse than your wrorsl to come. \n\n155 \n\n\n\nToasts. \n\nHere\'s to the maiden of bashful fifteen; \n\nHere\'s to the widow of fifty; \nHere\'s to the flaunting extravagant queen, \n\nAnd here\'s to the housewife that\'s thrifty ! \nLet the toast pass; \nDrink to the lass; \n\nI\'ll warrant she\'ll prove an excuse for the \nglass. \n\n\n\nHere\'s to the girl who loves me \\y \n\nAnd here\'s to the many who don\'t; \n\nHere\'s to the girl who accepts me, \nAnd here\'s to the many who won\'t. \n\n\n\nNow, boys, just a moment! \n\nYou\'ve all had your say; \nWhile enjoying ourselves \n\nIn so pleasant a way; \nWe have toasted our sweethearts, \n\nOur friends, and our wives; \nWe\'ve toasted each other, \n\nWishing all merry lives; \nBut I now will propose to you \n\nThe toast that is best \xe2\x80\x94 \n\'Tis one in a million, \n\nAnd outshines the rest. \nDon\'t frown when I tell you \n\nThis toast beats all others; \nBut drink one more toast, boys\xe2\x80\x94 \n\nA toast to\xe2\x80\x94 "Our Mothers.\'\' \n\n156 \n\n\n\nkm \n\n\n\n\n\n\n\xe2\x96\xa0\xe2\x96\xa0/\'/ \n\xe2\x96\xa0\xe2\x96\xa0ii \n\n\xe2\x96\xa0ih \n\xe2\x96\xa0aii \nvii, \nai\'ii \n"//\'//\' \n\nMil \n\nii\'iii \n\nHi/i \n\n\'>\'//\xe2\x96\xa0.\' \n\n\n\nLIBRARY OF CONGRESS \n\n\n\n021 100 910 A \n\n\n\nCopy 1 \n\n\n\nLIBRARY OF CONGRESS \n\n\n\n021 100 910 A \n\n\n\n'