READY-MADE SUIT a llock JTrial BY F. E. CHASE, AUTHOR OF "THE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE," ETC. BOSTON: WALTER H. BAKER AND COMPANY, No. lo Milk Stkeet. BY GEORGE M. BAKER, Author of " Amateur Dramas," " The Mimic Stage," *' The Social Stage" ^* The Drawing- Room Stage" '' Handy Dramas," " The Exhibition Drama ^ "A Baker's Dozen," etc. Titles in this Type are New Plays. Titles in this Type are Temperance Plays. ft DHAKAS. /« Four Acts. Better Than Gold. 7 male, 4 I'emale char. /« Three Acts. Our Folks. 6 male, 5 female char. . , Tlie Flower of the Family, 5 male, 3 female char Enlisted for the War. 7 male, 3 fe- male characters *•• Mv Brother's Keeper. 5 male, 3 fe- male char .. Tlie Little Brown Jug, 5 male, 3 female char >... In Two Acts. ^hove the Clouds. 7 male, 3 female characters f>ne Hundred Years Ago. 7 male, 4 female char. ...-. \mong the Breakers. 6 male, 4 female chai. tREAD ON the Waters. 5 male, 3 female char (;o\VN BY THK Sea. 6 male, 3 female char Ince ON A Time. 4 male, 2 female char, J./te Last Loaf, 5 male, 3 female char. In One Act. Stand bv the F^ag. 5 male char . The Tempter. 3 male, i female char. COMEDIES AND FARCES. A. Mysterious Disappearance. /, mai'.', 3 female char ?addle Your Own Canoe. 7 male, 3 tc:inale char. . A. Drop too Much 4 male, 2 female characters >l Little More Cider. 5 male, 3 fe- mae char .-: Thorn Among the Rosks. 2 male, 6 fern. lie char. Never Say Die. .3 male, 3 female char. 3;-EiNG the Elephant. 6 niaje, 3 female char The Boston* Dip. 4 male, 3 female char. The D(jche.ss of Dublin. 6 male, 4 te- m.ilii char riiiKTY Minutes for Refrkshments. 4mih. 3 f.mile chir Sfe^re nil Teetotniers. 4 ma'.e, 2 fe- male char A Male Characters Only. A Close Shave. 6 char A j*UBLic r.HNEFACTOR. 6 char A ;>KA OF T.".r'.'^LKS. B cha.-. .... WALTER H. BAKER & CO., Old 15 COMEDIES, &c., continued. Male Characters Only. A Tender Attachment. 7 char. ... 15 Coals of Firp- ^ char. 15 Freedom of ths Press. 8 char. ... 15 Shall Our Moth(^rs Vote? n char 15 Gentlemen of the Jury 12 char - . 15 Humors of the Strike. 8 char. . . 15 My Uncle the Captain. 6 char. . , 15 New Brooms Sweep Clean. 6 char. . t;; The Great Elixir. 9 char j- The Hypochondriac. 5 char 1- The Man with the Demijohn, 4 char. . . 15 The Runaways 4 char. ..... 15 The Thief OF Time. 6 char. . , . 15 Wanted, A Male Cook. 4 char. , . , : = Female Characters i ^ttly. A Love of a Bonnet. 5 char. . ^5 A Precious Pickle. 6 char 15 No Cure no Pay. 7 char. 15 The Champion of Her Sex. 8 char. . 15 The Greatest Plagi'e IN Life. Scha. 15 The Grecian Bend. 7 char 15 The Red Chignon. 6 char. .... 15 Using the Weed. 7 char. 15 ALLEGOniES... Arranged for Music and Tableaux. Lightheakt's Pilgrimage. 8 female char »5 The Revolt of the Bees. 9 female char jr The Sculptor's Triumph. 1 male, 4 fe- male char 15 The Tournament of Idylcourt. i?» female char 15 Thf "Var of the Roses. 8 female char. le MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC. An Original Idea, i male, i female char, 15 Bonbons ; or, the Paint King. 6 male, I female char 2^ Capuletta ; or, Romeo and Juliet Restored. ::. male, i female char. . 15 Santa Claus' Frolics x\ Snow-bound; or, Alonzo the Brave and the Fair Imogene. 3 male, 1 ftmale char 25 Thp, Merry Christmas of the Old Woman who i 'ved in a Shoe. . . 15 The Pedler op /pry Nice. 7 male char ts The Seven Ages. iS Tableau Entertain- ment. Numeious ..tale and female char. 15 Too Late for the Train. 2 male char. X5 The Visions of Freedom, u female cAi;nF, South Block, No. 10 Milk St., Boston. READY-MADE SUIT a flocfe Exial BY F. E. CHASE, AUTHOR OF "THE GREAT UMBRELLA CASE," ETC. BOSTON: WALTER H. BAKER AND COMPANY, No. lo Milk Street. n Y^ A- Co/>yrTg-ktt By F. E. Chase, ELECTROTYPES BY C. J. Peters & Son, Boston. CAST OF CHARACTERS. The Judge. Prosecuting Attorney Prisoner's Counsel . The Prisoner Mrs. Arethusa Clerk of the Court. Sheriff. J. Smith John Smith Jack Smith Johnny Smith J. Smith, Jr Young Smith Old Smith Smith from Smithville . John Smith-Smith . . . John Smith-with-a-Smith Smith, the Smithite . . Smith John Snyppe Emile de Gusset . . . . Jean Lapel Ernesto Casameri . . . George Ulster . . . . Isaac Gutentag . . . . Levi Cohen Patrique O'Reille . . .' Henry Provvde . . . . Mr. Collodion Film. . Mr. Steele Penn. Snyppe. DE Gusset. Lapel. Casameri. Ulster. Gutentag. Cohen. O'Reille, Prowde. Jurors, Witnesses for the Prosccntioji. t. READY-MADE SUIT. JUDGE. 7 V 1 CLERK. \ WITNESS BOX. DOCK. COUNSEL'S TABLE. That j)art of the room or hall set apart for the Court is to be arranged in accordaiice with the above diagrafn. At the opening of the trial, the Witnesses and the Clerk are discovered seated in their appropriate places. Pris- oner's Counsel and Sheriff are lounging in the fore- ground. The seats of the Jury and Judge a7^e empty, as also is the Dock. The seats of the Jurors a7id Wit- nesses 7nay be settees ; that of the Judge is somewhat elevated above the Clerk, who sits in front of him. The Dock ««^ Witness-box ought also to be raised about a foot f'om the floor. On the table (c.) a)-e arranged the proper- ties to be introduced in the course of the piece. The JURORS are grouped at the back of the Court. 6 A READY-MADE SUIT. {Enter the Prosecuting Attornijiy hurriedly from r. He carries a huge gt-een bag which he deposits on the table (c.).) P. A. Good-morning, gentlemen, good-morning. A fine morning for the great polygamy case of Commonwealth vs. Snyppe, De Gusset, Lapel, and others. We try that case this morning, I think. Prisoner's Counsel. Yes, as a matter of form. The verdict is bound to be in our favor. P. A. Your favor. Why, man, she has married nine sep- arate and distinct husbands, and I've got 'em all in court. {Indicates husbands^ who sit in front row of witnesses.) P. C. Nevertheless we expect a verdict of acquittal. P. A. Nonsense. Sheriff. So does the prisoner. She asked me only yes- terday for the address of a good divorce lawyer. She said she was going to have a sort of grand clearance sale after the trial to make room for fresh stock. She wanted to know if I thought the lawyers would do her divorcing any cheaper on account of its being a wholesale order, and said that when she married again she should pick out for her tenth some such man as Mr. Collodion Film. {All laugh.) P. A. Nonsense. {Aside.) This man's an ass. {Goes to witnesses and converses with them.) (The Judge enters with great dig7iity. His characteristics are uni77iportant. He might be made up after sojne local orjiament of the bench.) Sheriff (announcing). The Court, gentlemen. {All rise and take off their hats. The Judge goes up and takes his seat.) Clerk. Order, gentlemen, order. (Gejieral 7novement.) The Sheriff will please bring the prisoner into court. {Tur7is arotmd a7id co7ifers with the Judge in dumb show.) (The Sheriff goes out a7id inwiediately retur7is with the PRLSONER. This part should be played by the la?gest 77ia7i that ca7i be procured., carefully dressed /« the height of (fe- 7nale) fashion. The Prisoner strides i7t, draggi7ig the Sher- iff helplessly after her., a7id takes her place i7i the dock. Her husbafids at 07ice rise a7id throw kisses, squabbli7ig a77i07ig the7nselves for the 7iea7^est place to her.) Sheriff (for7nally ope7iing court). Oyez, oyez ! All ye who have anything to do before the Honorable, the Justices A READY-MADE SUIT. J of ibe Court of Uncommon Pleas, draw near and give your attention, and you shall be heard. Judge. The Clerk will please call the panel of jurors summoned in this case. {Td]\iKY.) You will answer to your names as they are called, gentlemen, and take your seats in the jury box. Clerk {rises and unfolds a list of tremendous length). J. Smith. J. Smith. Here. {Goes to Jury Box.) Clerk. John Smith. John Smith. Here. (SatHe business.) Clerk. Jack Smith. Jack Smith. Here. Clerk. Johnny Smith. Johnny Smith. Here. Clerk. J. Smith, Jr. J. Smith, Jr. Here. Clerk. Young Smith. Y. S. Here. Clerk. Old Smith. O. S. Here. Clerk. Smith, from Smithville. S. FROM S. Here. Clerk. John Smith-Smith. J. S. S. Here. Clerk. John Smith-with-a-Smith. J. S. with a S. Here. Clerk (who begins to show signs of exhaustion). Smith, the Smithite. S. the S. Here. Clerk (feebly). Smith. (Falls back into his seat with a groan.) Smith. Here. (Goes to Jury-box with the rest.) Judge (Jo last Juryman). I beg your pardon — did I un- derstand you to say that your name was — Jury {in chorus). Smith ! ! Judge. Thank you. Are there any more Smiths present? Because I should hate to slight any of the family by leaving them out. {Pause.) Do any of the Smiths desire to be ex- cused from serving on this case ? Jury {all rising together, in chorus). I am — {All stop short. The one nearest the audience politely re- linquishes his claim in dujnb show to the man next him, the 8 A READY-MADE SUIT. second man ditto to the third, and so on down the line until only Smith is left standing^ Smith. I — the fact is, I was intending to o:et married this morning. In fact, they are waiting for me at the church. Judge. Good. You are just the man we want on this case, Smithy. Smith. Then I am not excused. Judge. Nixey excuse. Anymore? Jury {rise, and say in chorus). We were all going to be married this morning. {All sit.) (The Prisoner takes out a pair of enormous opera-glasses, afid suj'veys the Jury through them with much interest. The opera-glasses 7nay be 7nade of a pair of miiteral water bottles lashed together.) Judge. Admirable. A jury of experts. Is the panel sat- isfactory to the defense, Mr. Penn ? P. C. Perfectly, your Honor. Judge. Then, Clerk, swear 'em in, and let us get to work. Clerk {approaching the Jury, and exhibiting a large dic- tionary). Gentlemen, you will all hold up your right hands. {To J. Smith.) Your right hand, if you please. J. Smith. I am left-handed, your Honor. Judge. A nice point. {Picks up a huge volume ; business with it.) The oath must be taken with the right hand, and this juryman is left-handed. J. Smith. Then I am excused, I suppose. Judge. Do not gamble on that point, Smithy, or you will lose money. If you will only turn around back to, you will come within the statute. {Closing the book.) There will be a great deal of suffering amongst the poor, owing to the ex- tremely low temperature, when this Court gets left. (Smith t2irns around as directed.) Clerk {extending dictionary). You do solemnly swear to well and truly try this case according to the evidence, and to the best of your judgment and abilities, so help you Web- ster. {This is rattled off with the greatest volubility .) Jurors {all in concert, first smite with their ris,ht hands the rail in front of them, then their breasts, a?id then raise their hands above their heads, saying). I do. (Jurors all sit dowfi simultaneously.) Judge. The Clerk will now read the indictment. Clerk {at desk, producing document, reads). Common- wealth of Massachusetts. Suffolk, to wit : At the Court of A READY-MADE SUIT. 9 Uncommon Pleas of the City of Boston, bej^^un and holden at said Boston, in and for the County of Suffolk, on the first Monday of , in the year of our Lord , the jurors of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts on their oaths present, that Arethusa, the wife of John Snyppe, of said Boston, being then married, and then the wife of the said John Snyppe, with force and arms, at Boston, feloniously did marry and take to husband, in rapid succession, and with malice afore- thought, Emile de Gusset, Jean Lapel, Ernesto Casameri, George Ulster, Isaac Gutentag, Levi Cohen, PatriqueO'Reille, and Henry Prowde, yeomen (the said John Snyppe, her first husband, being then ahve), contrary to the form of the statute in such cases made and provided, and against the peace of said Commonwealth. And the said complainants on their oaths further present, that the said Arethusa Snyppe, otherwise De Gusset, other- wise Lapel, otherwise Casameri, otherwise Ulster, otherwise Gutentag, otherwise Cohen, otherwise O'Reille, otherwise Prowde, by thus embezzling and fraudulently converting to her own uses nine separate and distinct husbands, all being alive at the present time, and more or less competent to sup- port a family, has kept eight other women out of their rights, and aimed a blow at the whole social fabric ; and by so doing the said Arethusa Snyppe-De Gusset-Lapel-Casameri-Ulster- Gutentag-Cohen-O'Reille-Prowde did then and there commit the crime of Polygamy, contrary to the statute in such cases made and provided, and against the peace of the Common- wealth. ( The above indictment is represented by a doacment of portentous size, to which is appended, by means of a bit of red tape, a seal the size of a dinner-plate. The town, county, and state najned therei?i should be adapted to the locality in which the representation takes place.) Prisoner at the bar, you have heard the charge preferred against you. Are you guilty or not guilty .'' Prisoner. Not guilty. Prosecuting Attorney {advaticing to the centre of the Court). May it please your Honor, and gentlemen of the jury. Looking back over an experience of twenty-five ye^rs spent in the legal arena, I cannot recall the time when it has been my privilege to address a jury comparable, not only in general intelligence and acumen, but in special fitness for the case in point, to the one I am now addressing. You are not married, gentlemen, and consequently the keen edge of your lO A READY-MADE SUIT. affections has not become blunted by use, nor hacked by the blows of conjugal unpleasantnesses into the saw-teeth of discontent. You will, therefore, err neither on the side of leniency nor of harshness. Yet you are all engaged, — in fact, just upon the point of committing matrimony (Jury all groan), and so will understand and weigh as only experts can the revolting details that I am about to present to your notice. This monstress {Turning and bowing to the Prisoner), if she will kindly permit me to call her so (Prisoner bows), has done on a large scale — a kind of hay-scale, in fact — what you, gentlemen, proposed doing upon a small scale (Jury groan) when Justice opportunely stepped in with ^^r scales and demanded your services. It therefore behooves you, gentle- men of the jury, to pay strict attention to the evidence, as the principles involved in this great suit are of universal appli- cability, and may be readily and inexpensively cut down to fit your individual cases, even as the ex-pantaloons of the parent are resurrected into the trousers of his first-born. We propose to show to you, gentlemen, and that, too, upon the evidence of her victims, that this crime-stained conspira- tor against the state of matrimony {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be permitted thus to describe her (Prisoner bows pieasanty^ began her diabolical career only one short year ago by marrying a certain John Snyppe (Snyppe rises and bows), whose melancholy experiences you will shortly have an opportunity of hearing. And in passing, gentlemen, please note how insidious is the advance of crime — how seductive, how easy the descent to — {Entire Court tuiite in a loud '■''Ahem / ") — Sheol — thanks. For the prisoner began even as you, gentlemen of the jury, were about to begin when Justice called you (juyly groajt), — by getting married. Perhaps, who knows, the call of Justice, whose mission it is to avert as well as punish crime, was opportune. We propose further to show that this black-hearted disgrace to her honored and adorable sex {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be permitted without discourtesy to thus allude to her (Prisoner smiles per }?iis sill ely and bows), after scarcely two months of wedded bliss heartlessly deserted the devoted Snyppe, and in the very middle of her honeymoon united herself in marriage to one Emile de Gusset (De Gusset lises and bows), who at the proper time will also unload upon you his wealth of woe. It will also be proven to you, gentlemen of the jury, that this old and antiquated — {Bows to Prisoner, who gesticulates angrily) — if I may be allowed — A READY-MADE SUIT. II Prisoner's Counsel {rising). I object, your Honor. The gentleman is going too far. Judge. Quite right. Brother Film, the prisoner is a woman, and we must respect her feelings. P. A. Very well. {ResiDuing) — That this vile and pes- tiferous mildew upon the social fabric {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be allowed the use of the term (Prisoner acqui- esces swili7igly), in two months more, careless of the grief, the bitter anguish of the faithful Snyppe, the devoted De Gusset, married Jean Lapel (Lapel rises and bows), whose honest and heartfelt love deserved a better return than that after thirty brief days of bliss it should find a rival in the guise of a certain Ernesto Casameri (Casameri rises and bows), estimable and worthy in himself, but hateful in the jaundiced eyes of the heart-broken Lapel, as the fourth hus- band of the woman he loved. Mark the descent, gentlemen of the jury, how easy, how gradual. One wedding leads to another — it is the first plunge only that costs. Prepare yourselves now for a tale of cold-blooded and systematic vil- lainy without a parallel. Thirty days after this fourth wed- ding, one bright summer's morning, upon a day, gentlemen, when all Nature was breathing peace and happiness, this fungus, this maggot in the cheese of society {Bowing to Pris- oner), if the simile is permissible (Prisoner bows), stole forth and cast her hideous net over the young and pure George Ulster (Ulster rises and bows\ the fairest flower of them all, and led him home a blushing bridegroom. Picture to yourselves the anguish of the deluded Snyppe, the duped De Gusset, the betrayed Lapel, the cheated Casameri, the deceived Ulster. Did the sun obscure its light? Did the fair face of Nature frown at such duplicity ? I regret to say that it did not, though partly cloudy weather, with areas of rain and lower temperature and pressure, were prophesied for the New England States for that day. As if to accu- mulate strength for a supreme effort, the prisoner, who, homely and unattractive as she is — (Prisoner piotests in dii}?tb sJwiu). P. C I object, your Honor. Judge. Brother Film, have a care. P. A. {resnniing). — Depraved and lost to all sense of de- cency and honor as she is — {7o Prisoner) I trust I do not over-state the case, madam (Prisoner bows) — yet allowed two months to elapse before consummating her next villainy. 12 A READY-MADE SUIT. . What will you say, gentlemen, when it is shown to you that early in the autumn the prisoner, forgetting her vows, repu- diating her duty to her five lawful spouses, was united in holy wedlock with both members of the firm of Gutentag, Cohen & Co. (G. and C. both rise and bow) upon the same day ? Both those gentlemen have kindly consented to appear in Court at great personal inconvenience and expense, and add their testimony to the rest. Further, gentlemen of the jury, what will you say when the tearful and reluctant testimony of the blasted OReille and the blighted Prowde {Both rise when mentioned), reveals to you the crowning fact that in less than thirty days thereafter this soulless seducer of helpless and unprotected males {Bowing to Prisoner), if I may be so permitted to express myself (Prisoner bows), annexed them both almost simultaneously, and became for the eighth and ninth times husbands and wife. All this will be proven to your satisfaction, gentlemen, and upon the evidence of these foregoing facts, the government ask you to find the prisoner at the bar guilty of Polygamy, according to the terms of the indictment and the laws of this Commonwealth. John Snyppe will please take the stand. (Snyppe does so.) Clerk {handing him the dictionary). Take this book in your right hand. (Snyppe does so with some difficulty, the volume being heavy.) You do solemnly swear, in the case now in hearing between the Commonwealth of and the prisoner at the bar, to tell as near the truth as you can without wholly upsetting the habits of a life-time, or risking loss of identity, so help you Webster. {This is spoken as rapidly and as indistinctly as the Clerk can manage it.) Snyppe. I do. P. A. Your name is John Snyppe. Snyppe. Well, I should smile. P. A. You reside in Chelsea, I believe. Snyppe, Well, I should relax my features. P. A. You are the husband of the prisoner, are you not ? Snyppe. Well, I should grin. Judge. One moment, Mr. Film. I am, of course, gratified to learn that the witness would retain his accustomed cheer- fulness under the variety of trying circumstances you have mentioned, but suppose I should send him up for thirty days for contempt of this court — do you think he would still be able to smile in the face of this misfortune ? Snyppe. I tumble, your honor. A READY-MADE SUIT. 13 Judge. I hope it didn't hurt you. It was a long ways to fall. , , ^ P. A. Now, Mr. Snvppe, let us go back one year. Can you recollect what happened about this time twelve months ago? (S^YVPK biirsts into tears.) Gentlemen ot the jury, you observe how the mere memory affects the usually cheer- ful witness. Here at least he would not smile if he could. Cheer up, Mr. Snyppe, do not weep. Tell your piteous tale to a sympathizing jury, and let your over-burdened heart find relief. Snyppe {in a low voice cJioked with sobs). Gentlemen, twelve months ago to-day was my wedding-day. {Breaks down.) . P. A. Gentlemen, let us not be ashamed to mingle our tears of honest sympathy with those of this poor victim. {T/ie entire Court weep:) -n • r i *u- P A. {after a pause, mastering hunself). Pamtul as this subject is, w- must go on. Like the tender-hearted dentist when he jabs his professional brad-awl clear up mto the patient's brain, it is all done for the sufferers good. Go on, Mr. Snyppe, go on. . . , t i j x ^u u Snyppe. One year ago to-day, friends, I led to the hy- meneal altar the woman who stands before you, a blushing bride. I was not then what I am now. Months ot misery, days of despair, hours of heaviness, have reduced the once handsome and universally admired Snyppe to what you now behold. , , ^, P. A. Look at him, gentlemen, and see what he must have suffered. , , , Snyppe. With the trustfulness of a heart that knew no guile, I took her to my bosom and endowed her with my all. P. A. Go on, sir, go on. . , r . u Snyppe. For two months, sixty brief days, fourteen hun- dred and forty short hours, eighty-six thousand four hundred transitory minutes, I was happy — oh, Heaven, how happy. True I was clubbed around some, but then for the first time in years I had free lodging, and three equilateral, rectangular meals per day — I should say I was possessed of the treasure of a loving wife, and my name was rapture — hot, with sugar in it. TX^^n — {Bursts into tears:) P A Enough. What follows will be tola by other wit- nesses. Your Honor, I desire to place in evidence this cer- tificate of marriage between the prisoner and the present witness. {Hands document to Judge.) 14 A READY-MADE SUIT. Mr. Penn {to Prisoner's Counsel). The witness is yours. {Sits) P. C. ij'ising). Now, sir, <^ive me your strictest attention. No evasions now, no shilly-shallying nonsense. You are, by profession, a tailor, are you not .? Snyppe. Well — P. C. {banging his Jist on tlie table). Come, sir, — yes or no. Snyppe. Yes. P. C. Ah ! A plain, everyday tailor. Snyppe. Not plain, sir. I believe I have my share of personal attractions. A first-class journeyman tailor. P. C. Good. A journeyman tailor. (71? Jury.) Gentle- men, please remember this. Nothing else ? SXYPPE. No. P. C. Not a shoemaker, for instance ? SxYPPE. Certainly not. P. C. You are quite sure you are not a shoemaker. Snyppe {coiiteinptiionsly). Very sure. P. C, Good. I think, Mr. Snyppe, that you testified not long since that in marrying the prisoner you took her to your bosom and endowed her with your all. Were these your words 1 Snyppe. They were. P. C. You are prepared to stick to them. Snyppe. To the last. P. C. You hear, gentlemen of the jury, this self-styled tailor. He endows his wife with his awl, and babbles famil- iarly of his last. Comment, to men of your intelligence, is superfluous. {To Snyppe.) That will do, sir. Unless the jury would like to ask any question. Young Smith {rising). I don't want to take up the time of this Court, but — P. C. Go on, sir. We want everything made clear. Young Smith. Well, then, I should like to ask the wit- ness if four-button cutaways are going to be much worn this fall. {Breathless attention.) Snyppe. I cannot say yet, sir, for sure, as the fall styles are not out ; but I should think, at a guess, that, if you pur- chased such a coat last year, it would ho. considerably worn this fall, particularly if you had been wearing it much during the summer. {Steps down and oicti) P. A. {rising). Mr. Emile de Gusset will please take the A READY-MADE SUIT. 1$ Stand. (De Gusset does as directed^ and Clerk adtninis- iers oath as before^ Tell us briefly, M. de Gusset, what happened ten months ago. De G. Avec plaisir. It was zen zat I do inada7ne {Indi- cating Prisoner) ze honneur to marry her. P. A. You married the prisoner ten months ago. {To Jury.) You hear, gentlemen. In two months only she mar- ries again — she, the lawful wife of poor Snyppe. (Snyppe sobs aloud) Go on, sir. Tell us all about it. De G. Bien^ it was vare simple. She have seen me one, two, tree times — I know not — she lofes me, naturellement. (Prisoner manifests indignation in dumb show.^ P. A. Did she tell you she loved you ? De G. {expostulating). Ah, monsiew', non. I know him vvisout. I am gentilhomme — I spare her blushes. Zey all lofe me, monsieur. P. A. Well .? De G. Veil — quoi done. I am a Frenchman — you know him — tojijotirs galant. I marry her. She have husband already, perhaps. I hear of him, but what of zat. He is what you call no good (Snyppe exposttilates in gesttu^e.) I say to him, comjne petit ga7'<^on, run out and play. Voila tout. P. A. That will do, sir. Mr. Penn, the witness is yours. Your Honor {Handing doctiment'), the sworn deposition of the clergyman who conducted this second marriage. Judge. Have you any more documents, Mr. Film, bearing on this case ? If so this Court will admit them all in a bunch. This Court thinks that it is perhaps only right to inform you that you are making this Court tired. May this Court expect a favorable reply to its not unreasonable request ? {During the cross-examination that follows, Mr. Film takes from his sevei'al pockets and frojn his green bag an enormous mmiber of sealed documents, and piles them upon the Judge's desk.) P. C. {rising). What is your business, Mr. de Gusset ? De G. {proudly). Monsieur, I am an artiste. P. A. What kind of an artist ? De G. I cut ze pantalons. P. A. Ah ! A tailor, like the other. De G. Non, monsieur ; bettaire zan ze other. P. A. Good. De G. Oui, vare good. 1 6 A READY-MADE SUIT. P. C. Well, Mr. de Gusset, there seems to be no 5oubt but that you married this woman, De G. Monsieur, you have ma parole. P. C. Or that you are a tailor ; or, as you picturesquely phrase it, that you cut zo. patitalons. De G. You have raison, sare. P. C. You have said that you v^^ere a Frenchman, sir, and hence I infer that, in teUing me I have rason, you merely assume the Irish brogue for some playful purpose of your own. But I will not press that point. There is no doubt about your having cut the pantaloons. De G. No, sare. P. C. The great question is, who wore the pantaloons — you or the prisoner. (General laugh.) That will do, sir. (De Gusset retires.) P. A. Jean Lapel will please take the stand. (Lapel does so.) (Clerk admhtisters oath as above.) P. A. Your name is Lapel, I believe. Lapel. Oin., uionsieitr. P. A. You are the husband of the prisoner, whom you married eight months ago, are you not.'* Lapel. Oui., monsieur. {Dejectedly.) P. A. It was a love match, was it not .'' Lapel {enthusiastically). Oui, monsieur. P. A. You first met the lady at the dinner table of the boarding-house over which she presided, I believe. Lapel {with 7'eminiscence of good living). Oui, mon- sieur. P. A. To see her was to adore her, if I am not misin- formed. Lapel {rapturously). Oui, monsieur. P. A. It was a case of love at first sight, unless I have been deceived. Lapel. Oui, monsieur. P. A. So you were married. Lapel. Oui, jnonsieur. P. A. Was your marriage a happy one ? P. C. I object. That is a leading question. Judge. Objection sustained. I have been in some doubt myself as to whether Brother Film was examining the wit- ness, or the witness examining Brother Film. P. A. Would you marry the prisoner again if you had the chance? A READY-MADE SUIT. 1/ Lapel {dubiously^. Out, monsieur. P. A. I have already submitted the proof of this marriage. Mr. Penn, the witness is yours. {Sits^ P. C. You are a tailor also, like the rest, are you not ? Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. P. C. Observe, gentlemen of the jury, another tailor. Now, Mr. Lapel, the gentleman who is conducting this case on behalf of the government says that you say you were boarding with the prisoner at the time you married her. Lapel. Oiii., 7nonsie2ir. P. C. Unless I am blindly groping in a fog of erroneous convictions, you were owing the prisoner six weeks' board at the time of the ceremony. Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. P. C. I presume I am keeping within the bounds of strict truthfulness when I assert that this debt was never paid. Lapel. Oui^ monsieur. P. C. And when I further opine that your pecuniary liabil- ity to the management of that boarding-house permanently creased on the instant of the ceremony. Xapel. 07ii, mofisieur. P. C. Dare I venture to hint that you figured on securing free bsoard for the rest of your life when you married her ? LAPJiiL. Otii, monsieur. P. C.\ Or to conclude that you are a lazy, disreputable, moon-sho>oting, boarding-house bum ? Lapel (^. pleasantly^. Oui, monsieur. P. C. V'ou authorize me, then, to describe you in such terms to thi.-s intelligent jury, and to further inform them that through defective early education in the EngHsh tongue, you have entirely failed to understand a word that has been said to you .? Lapel. Oui\ monsieur. \ P. C. That will do, Mr. Lapel. 'Lapel. Oui, m^ojisieur. {Remains in the witness-box lookifjg expectantly at Penn). PRiS(>ifER {after an embarassed pause in which the Court all unite t%^ pantomiiruic directions to witness to retire). Jean Lapel, git V {He_.^its.) P. A. Signor E-liiesto Casameri. (Casameri takes the stand.) (Clerk administers oath?) P. A. Calm yourself, signor. Do not allow your fiery 1 8 A READY-MADE SUIT. • Southern temperament to get away with you. You are a child of the throbbing South, I am told. Casa. Si, signor. P. A. Your happy, careless boyhood's days were spent in sunny, vine-clad Italy, picking a frugal living from the pocket of the casual English tourist, plucking the luscious macaroni from its parent stem, and toward evening dancing for very joy in the gloaming to the dulcet strains of your native hand- organ. Casa. {weeping). Oh, signor, spare-a me. P. A. Suddenly this woman flashed across your path of life, and all its joy fled forever. Casa. E vera. When I take-a my meals wiz her, I no longer happy. Oh, dose Jjifteks — dose pies of mince. You have-a taste zem 1 No ? {Shudders^ P. A. Tell the jury your sad story, my poor friend. Casa. Ah, signori, I live wiz her tree week. I eat-a her bifteks, I drink-a her caffe, but dose biskits — nevaire. You catch-a on .'* I am too fly. P. A. Go on, signor, go on. Casa. She say to me. "Signor, will-a you have cr-';'^' tartar biskit 1 " I say, " Grazia, signora," and takf ^'^• When she look-a away, I trow him to ze dog, andkno'^"^"^^ teeth out. You catch-a on ? P. A. Go on. Casa. Bimeby one day I say, " Casameri, zat i too hard on ze dog. Damma- — I eat him myselef. I ea lii"^ — ^^J tree days I know nosing. When I come back, o myself I am married — I know not how. I marry her, b-^t I no lofe her. Judge. What's that? P. C. He says he is no loafer, your Honor Casa. Si, signo?', I no lofe her. P. A. Thus, gentlemen of the jury, by her deadly arts f'Jd she entrap her fourth victim. I desire, ; our Honor, to jfit'ro- duce one of those biscuits in evidence- (In produring bis- cuit he accidentally drops it on the floor. It should be made of plaster of Paris, or other heavy material^ so as to 7/iake a loud noise when dropped. He then p'.''s:es it to //z^ Jury, who exai7iine it, occasionally banging it against the rail of the jury-box. If a stone is used, one of the Jury 7)iay use it to strike sparks frojn a bit of steel. Additional business ad libitum.) A READY-MADE SUIT. I9 Casa. (as the biscuit drops). All, zat is him. It is like-a what you call " Home-a-svveet-home." P. A. I have done with the witness, Brother Penn. P. C. Your business, Signor Casameri — P. A. I object, your Honor, to this question. It is outside the case. P. C. If his Honor will only admit it, it will be inside. P. A. It is not germane. Judge. I can see no valid objection. Go on, Mr. Penn, P. C. Your business is that of a tailor, I think. Casa. [politely., but with tmfot^timate accerit). Zat is fny-z. business. (Laugh.) P. C. (angrily). Don't be impertinent, sir. Casa. (alarmed). No, no — you don't catch-a on. I say — Zat is my business — to be a tailor. I am ze great Casa- meri (si?npiy). P. C. You are a tailor, then ? Casa. Si, signor. P. C. That will do. (Casameri retires.) Jury (all rise simultajieously and say in unison). One moment, please. (Casameri stops down front on his way back to the witfiess seats. 1 he Juryman nearest the audience politely waives his right of speech in dumb show to his neighbor^ he to his neighbor, and so on until the last one is reached. He walks down font and whispers an instant to Casameri, who at once takes a large paper or plug of chewing tobacco from his pocket arid hands it to Juryman. Both then go to their seats.) P. A. George Ulster will please take the stand. (Ulster does so and is sworn by Clerk.) P. A. Your name is George Ulster. Ulster. That's me bloomink nime. P. A. You are a subject of Her Gracious Majesty Queen Victoria, and a native of the great city of Lunnon. Ulster. You're bloomink right, I ham. P. A. You were married to the prisoner at the bar just six months ago. Ulster. You can bet your bloomink life I — Judge. One moment, please. I am the last person to encroach upon that bulwark of American greatness, that mighty prerogative of the free-born citizen of this enlightened republic, freedom of speech. But if this blooming exotic continues to bloom much longer in this Court, he will be 20 A READY-MADE SUIT. sent away to shed the sweet fra.e:rance of his rhetorical blos- soms upon the sluggish air of the cooler for the next thirty days. Shall I have this translated into English ? Ulster {with some dwiimition of freshness). I'm fly, your Ludship. Judge. My name is Spider. Happy to meet you, Fly. Go stand on four legs and rub your hind one's together. Ulster. Yes, your Ludship. Judge. You are too high for this Court. Come down off the ceiling so that we can see over you. P. A. (after pause). Tell us the circumstances of your marriage with the prisoner. Ulster. Well, sir, my shop was a hell — All. Oh ! Judge. No profanity, sir. Ulster. You do me a hinjustice, your Ludship. The hell I was a speakin' of hisn't the 'ell your Ludship was a thinkin' about. Hi meant the hell of a 'ouse. P. A. Go on, Mr. Ulster. Ulster. Yessir. Has hi was a sayin', this 'ere hell, bein' away from the main 'ouse, 'ad a separate chimbly, so that the hell-fires — Judge. I really cannot permit this. Many of the ladies are leaving the Court. P. A. One moment, your Honor. Ulster. The hell-fires was run separate. Now my hell and 'er hell was honly a few hells apart, and while my hell- fire drew helegant, 'er hell-fire was helsewise, my hell bein' helevated hover 'er hell a few hells. P. C. I protest, your Honor. This is perfectly blood- curdling. P. A. I beg, your Honor, that you will allow my witness to be heard without interruption. Judge. What do you hope to prove by this man ? P. A. I propose to show that he was the fifth husband of the prisoner. P. C. Our side will admit the fact and waive the evidence. P. A. You admit the fact as proven } Very good. The witness is yours. (Sits.) P. C. Only one question, Mr. Ulster. Are you a tailor ? Ulster. I ham. I was a goin' to say that my shop was hin that same hell, and Hellen, who tended the hell-fires, held — A READY-MADE SUIT. 21 P. C. {j.!ery loud). Enough, Mr. Ulster. You can step down. John Smith. One moment, please. How do you spell your name ? Ulster {spdli7ig). Hu — hell — hess — John Smith. One hell— I mean L — or two? Ulster. Honly one hell. Judge. That's according to scripture. John Smith. Thanks. (Ulster steps down and out.') P. A. I will now call the firm of Gutentag and Cohen, the eminent Hebrew jobbers in second-hand clothes. Judge. This is quite irregular, Mr. Film. P. A. I am aware of that, your Honor. But as I desire to prove only one thing by both men, I thought it desirable to examine them together. Besides, as it is quite impossible to tell them apart, it would be useless to call them separately, as I couldn't be sure which one was testifying. (Gutentag and Cohen take the stand, atid are sworn. They are niade tcp exactly alike to rescnible the most pro- nounced Jewish type. In dress and manner they should be the exact counte7'Parts of one another, and their actions and words, when they speak together, should be the same and simultaneous) P. A. You constitute, I believe, the firm of Gutentag and Cohen. G. AND C. {together'). Yah, meinherr. Wholesale und re- tail dealers in second-hand glothing. Sole agents for dose fife toUar und a halef Nymarket ofergoats, marked down from dirteen tollars und a kevorter, so hellup me grashus. P. A. Exactly. You of course understand the nature of an oath. G. AND C. Veil, ve should smaile. P. A. And the responsibility which the law vests in you. Gutentag. Vot kind of vests '^. I nefer haard of dose vests in my laife. Cohen {turning to Jury and handing cards). De sheap- est blace in town. Call arount, my vriends. Von hundred per cent discount uf you order more dan tventy tollars vort, und a ticket auf de skating rink trown in. P. A. You know the penalties you incur if you abuse your office to cloak villainy. Gutentag. Gloaks vas owit of staile, dese long times. Dose Norfolk House jackets vas all de rage now. 22 A READY-MADE SUIT. Cohen. But, Shakey, don' forget dot shob lot of soldiers' gloaks — GLrTf:NTAG. I solt dem, I key, a veek ago, ven you vas owit, for fife tollars. Cohen. Mein Gott in Himmel, you vill ruin de beesness. Vy, dey cros^ us feefty cents. P. A. But eijough, gentlemen. No doubt your heart pants to — GuTENTAG {^o Jury). Yes, shentlemen, de sheapest pants for de money you efer vent anyveres. {Lowering his voice.) Real cassimere for two tollars und tventy-fife cents a pair. Uf my bartner {Indicating Cohen over his shoulder') heard me offer dem like dot, he vould go grazy. For Heaven's sake, don't gif me avay. P. A. Now, gentlemen, let us go back four months from this date. What happened on that date .? Cohen. Shakey! GuTENTAG. I key! Cohen. Dot vas de day you solt dot ofergoat at a dead loss, pecause dot poy vent und exchanged dose brice marks. Gutentag. Yah,'lkey. But how many times must I tolt you, dot ve have lose notings. By de same mistake didn't I sell dot two toUar goat for tventy tollars .? Cohen. Oh, dot vas all right. Aber you solt dotyf/"i P. C. Pray go on, ma'am. Prisoner. Yes. When I married my fifth, my talents began to be recognized, and I began to see the full dignity of my profession, and what could be made out of it with' proper 'andling, and when I heard of a woman in the next street, callin' herself the champion of America on a mizzable record of six husbands, five of 'em dead and buried at that, my mind was made up. In less than one week I was united in holy wedlock to both members of the great firm of Gutenta^r A READY-MADE SUIT. 33 and Cohen, and held the championship by a lead of one, not that I liked either of 'em, far from it, least of all their noses. Cohen used to say he had his father's nose, an' if he told the truth, his father was in luck. No, gentlemen, it was pure business, and the belt arrived next day by express, charges forward. P. C. But your rival — the ex-champion. Prisoner. She ? Now what do you think that critter went and did, the mean, contemptible thing, pretendin' to give in so easy and graceful, and all the while layin' pipes for a coup d''etat, as the newspapers called it when she sneaked off and married two paupers one after the other on their death-beds — did it on paupers, too, just think of it — and then telegraphed to me for the belt, for which I am thanki'ul to her, for forewarned is forearmed, though why forearmed and not four legged, / can't say, and possession is nine points of the law. P. C. Did you return the belt ? Prisoner. Did I — well, you make me tired ; for 'eavens sake, man alive, what was I a-sayin' 1 No, sir, I went straight out and took the first man I met into camp, which 'appened so be that mizzable, drunken O'Reille, though why O'Reille I never could make out unless it was because he was always owing for everything he had, and before I rose her record by marr}ing poor, dear Prowde, the only man I ever loved, he was S7(ch a darling, she was arrested. P. C. She — vvho.? Prisoner. The other woman. P. C. What for ? Prisoner. Why, bless your dear soul alive, hadn't she got one husband livin' when she worked that pauper racket on me, and while one pauper went and died all right like a little man just after the ceremony, the other blundering old idiot up and got well, and she was prosecuted for bigamy. She, a champion! Ho ! she don't know the first thing about the business. (Jury snore^ Goodness me, what was that? {Business repeated as before^ P. C. Go on, ma'am. Prisoner. I couldn't go on, sir. After that they arrested me. P. C. True, ma'am, but do not repine. In a short time you shall again walk the streets a free woman, and resume your holy mission of making mankind happy. Your Honor, we rest our case. 34 A READY-MADE SUIT. P. A. A very merciful proceeding, brother Penn. Your case needs a rest — it looks tired. (Laughter ?) P. C. (Jgfion'ng t/ie ot/ie?). Gentlemen of the Jur}% I can- not tell you how glad I am to see before me twelve such men as yourselves. The case that you are called upon to try is one that demands for its proper understanding the highest intelligence, the deepest insight into human motives, the ful- lest sympathy with the natural passions of our race, the keen- est taste for sport, and the most discriminating judgment of character — qualities which you, gentlemen, possess in an eminent degree. {Pause; Jury snore loudly.') Good Heavens, Sheriff, the Jury is still asleep ! Will you kinaly wake them up? (Sheriff does so, as before. Jury awake in some confu- sion., and compose thcuiselves to listen.) P. C. {carefully repeats the above speech, and then re- sumes). A poor, weak woman, prevented by the rigors of the social code and by the natural limitations of her sex from attaining the intellectual eminence that serves to distinguish you from the brutes, has merely obeyed the natural instincts of her trustful and clinging disposition, and chosen out of all the world, the one — I should say, nine — faithful hearts that beat in unison with her own. It was the old, old, story, gentlemen, — they met, they loved, they mated. It was Fate. You know what women are, how weak in spots, and yet how strangely strong, hke a decayed mackerel. Let us not harshly blame them, then, because they cannot grow tull beards or sing bass, but rather remember that with all their faults they never maliciously sing tenor, and seldom blow the cornet in anger. I am the last person to cavil at those omissions which the arbitrary' sway of custom has forced upon their charming sex, and yet I cannot be blind to results. Few women drink rum or chew tobacco, fewer still smoke — in public. They do not play bilhards or seven-up until three A. m., and then give discordant voice to their pent-up emotions beneath the star-dusted empyrean, though in the trivial detail of readily finding the key-hole they are usually skilful. For these cogent reasons their knowledge of life is necessarily imper- fect ; but what they lack in knowledge they make up in sen- timent, like a Fourth of July orator. Hence it is. gentlemen, that while you, wiih your superior knowledge of right and wrong, derived from frequent practical expt^rience of le^al restraints, would never commit the solecism of marrying A READY-MADE SUIT. 35 Ke abundance of her love and tenderness, might easily tall ^ feet <^entlemen, //^.fallen - into the common and excus- ab^e^rorot biting off more than the legally sanctioned chew Instead of trying To make one man happy, she has proposed to erself thi h^erculean task of beatifying nine struggmg souls and has carried it to a successful issue. Let us ana- lyze this case for an instant. If a man eat one piece of pie, ^e sanation the act with a smile and sometimes the man . able to smile back, but not usually. If ^^^^f^ three pieces we do not blame him ; we pity him, and Y^e,^"'^\'^S . ^.?t ot famaica Ginger. If six, we shudder at the thought of uhat he vvm have to go through before he recovers; for such a man does not stSnd in peril of the law, but ot medicine If nine pieces of pie succumb to his voracious maw we not onlv So no^t punish him, but hail him chief, and bury hi -/m^. on the honors ciue to the Great American Pje-Later^ then he is onlv despicable ^^hen it fails ; when it succeeds, when he humb e stru'^ler is crowned as the Champion Connubiahst ^the Woritit should be rewarded, not pumshed. Nor shou d the hovelling nature that is surleited with one poor Ice o pie^presume^o pronounce judgment ^!Pon the of y and soari - Appetite that only finds satiety in nine ^ou are nUaentlemen about to enter into the State of Matnmony- ?i;t^stae^^"ise governor is generally a woman, whose gov- Irnment is invarfably a despotism. Some of you perhaps Cher sh the i ea that vou may at some future time participate [ft e DoHtics of that state, and perhaps hold office ; but as a rS^v he \l the Samuel J. Tildens of matrimonial poli.ics, ^esTthit suffic^sCr nine. Will >ou, of all men, censure u ? 36 A READY-MADE SUIT. No, I think not — not this trip. You are all, gentlemen, — perhaps I should put the " f::;entlei"nen " first in order to avoid misunderstandings, — gentlemen, you are all sporting men. Do not deny it, for I see it written only too plainly on your inflamed countenances, your white hats with a black weed on them, your habitual profanity, your empty pockets, and your stage name of Smith — the invariable alias of the sequestered *' sport." As sporting men I appeal to you — will you permit a new comer into the world you love to die in its neglected infancy without a strugsj;le on its behalf? Shall Connubial- ism, as a science, die for lack of backing on your parts ? No. I am sure you will not permit this new method of wagering and losing money, that should be spent upon your wives and children, to fall into unmerited neglect. By the tender mem- ories of dog-fights past and gone, I implore you, do not do this wrong. And now, gentlemen, one thing more. You liave heard the testimony of the various witnesses brought before you by the other side. Amongst the chaos of irrelevant mat- ter extracted from them by the misdirected efforts of the Pro- secution, one crj'stalline facts stands forth in your memories. Stripped of their tinsel of pretence and their false beard of mend.-city, they each and all stood revealed as tailors — plain, every-day tailors. It was my humble hand that tore away their disguise, but let that pass. Now, gentlemen, I think no one will deny that every woman has a right to one man, nor that the Prisoner is a woman. Well, gentlemen of the Jury, as you all know, according to the common law it takes nine tailors to make a man. My chent, therefore, in marrying nine tailors has only married one man, and on this ground I demand her acquittal. {Great sensation.') P. A. (risins^.) May it please this Court and Gentlemen of the Jury. Whatever may be my faults it can never be said of me that I withheld just praise from any man, even an oppo- nent; and the remarks of the last speaker force from me the avowal that I never heard a vile and immoral cause defended in more appropriate language, nor with more perfect sympathy on the part of the pleader. And whatever my abhorrence of the prisoner a+ the bar, I must at least admit that she is indeed fortunate in having found an advocate so fitted by nature for her ends. That the atrocious and abominable principles dis- closed by his words should shock yoti, gentlemen, in your uprightness and^ — I say it in no offensive sense — innocence, A READY-MADE SUIT. 37 is not strange ; but that they should shock me, profession- allv hardened, as I am, to every manifestation of human iniquity, argues them base indeed. Do not say that you were not shocked, gentlemen. I heard your lower jaws fall upon your shirt bosoms with a unanimous crash at the unaccus- tomed words of my opponent. Even at this distance I ais- tinctly felt the glow of the burning blush that accompanied the action ; and in the gaping apertures of your mouths I saw reposing those borrowed chews of tobacco, unmasticated and ne.^dected in your embarrassment and horror. Had I not felt airalong, gentlemen, that your purity of mind was practically incorruptible, I should have long ago sprung to my ieet and in clarion tones bade this man cease, in the name of common decency, and out of regard for the ladies. It is a melancholy aspect of the great profession of the law, gentlemen, that men are sometimes forced by poverty and lack of more reputable business to advocate such cases as this, but it is even more melancholy to find that there are men w4io even seek such business, and who having found it, are perfectly in their ele- ment therein. Fortunately they are few, however. Indeed, in my whole professional experience I never have known but one man who was capable of undertaking the defence of a person like the prisoner — until to-day I should have said that I did not know even one. An endeavor has been made, gentlemen, by this person to cast a pastoral, an idyllic light upon the crimes of this monstress in human shape (Bow2;ig to Prisoner), if I do not exceed the license of my position in thus describing her (Prisoner dows asseiit). A picture has been drawn for you in which the prisoner figures as a blue-eyed shep- herdess surrounded by pleading swains ot the Italian opera tvpe, with conical hats and ribbons round their legs, singing rnadrigals to the accompaniment of an oaten pipe. The atmos- phere of the picture was redolent of purity. Well gentlemen, there is your shepherdess {Indicating Prisoner), and there the swains {Pointing to husbands) They have no ribbons on their legs now, simply plain pants, and their oaten pipes are represented by T. Ds. The Italian opera flavor is all gone, and they stand revealed, like " supers " after the show, as plain everv-day victims of a black-hearted and designing fiend in human shape, if I may to such an extent avail my- self of the privilege of my position. (Prisoner bows.) There was also something said, if I am not mistaken, about ten pieces of pie. Gentlemen, let me warn you against the 38 A READY-MADE SUIT. fallacy of this most specious plea. By the memory of your mothers, sisters, wives, I implore you, reject this fatal doc- trine of pie. All men have the right to one piece of pie, just as they have to any other form of suicide — I am the last man to deny that. But, oh, gentlemen, remember the old adage, — "CVi-/ le premier pie gut coiite?'' You don't any of you understand what it means, but you won't admit it for fear of giving yourselves away. I, who took pains to look it up in a French dictionary just before coming into court, warn you of the dreadful consequences of generalizing this first piece. With the second piece the wrong begins — a little wrong no bigger than a man's hand at Euchre, but still a wrong. For the great law of Nature has ordained that there shall be just pie enough in the world to go around once, and when you cast aside restraint and take a second piece, you rob some poor person of his share. Still we can find excuses for the man who takes an extra piece in the fact that some people don't like pie, and so do not avail themselves of their natural right; but what can be said on behalf of him who monopolizes the pie of three others, or of the unspeak- able and dastardly villain, if I may be allowed to thus desig- nate a lady for the purposes of argument (Prisoner bon's), who seizes upon the portion of nine others, and converts them to her own selfish ends ? Oh, gentlemen, I have looked clean through the larger dictionaries of Worcester, Webster, and Johnson, but I cannot find words to fitly characterize such conduct. You are asked, my friends, by this unscrupulous perverter of the public morals to regard the crime of this woman as a form of sport — to stake the pure gold of your endorsement upon a race in which the devil holds the stakes, in which the prize is — {All sneeze violently^ Sheol. Before making any su h bets, gentlemen, let me implore you to con- sider the matter carefully. You are asked to back a woman whose road to victory has been macadamized exclusively with human hearts, who has trained on blasted hopes. Each successive triumph has forever barred some rival from ever being entered for the race at all, and doomed her to life-long soHtude. You are asked to bet upon a dog nine times as big as his competitors, and still growing — you are asked to bet upon a sure thing ; and now tliat I have given you away betbrehand, I am sure that your noble natures will recoil from the baseness of thus robbing a fellow-creature of his mone}-, pardcularly as, in the present state of the Connu- A READY-MADE SUIT. 39 bialistic Ring the betting is likely to be all one way, and you could find nS takers if you wanted them. And now, gentle- men, I leave the case in your hands. You have heard upon the sworn testimony of nine of your fellow-citizens that this tomb of all womanly feeling and the domestic virtues, witli the prisoner's kind permission (Prisoner bows), has com- mitted matrimony under peculiarly aggravating circumstances nine separate and distinct times, every one ot which was tatai to a member of your unhappy sex. This evidence is backed up by thirty-eight pounds, six ounces of affidavits and colla- teral documentary proof, and its truth has been admitted as proved by the other side. I feel sure that your judgments will reject the quibbles of the prisoner's counsel, even as your purity revolted at his indecencies, and give the verdict where it will do the most good. We are nine to their one, gentle- men, ten including myself. Not only do the great principle of the greatest good to the greatest number, and the univer- sally recognized value of the majority vote, lie on our side, but by o-iving your verdict in accordance with justice and morali- ty v-ou make nine fast friends apiece instead of a beggarly one on the other side. I do not say it to influence you at all — far from it — but in case we get a verdict, we propose to make a handsome present to each member of this Jury on the occasion of his approaching marriage, and — P. C. I protest, your Honor. This is flat bribery. P A {an^rrih). Do you mean to insult me, sir ? P*. C. {vely angrily). Yes, sir. {Sjiapping his fingers zjt the other's face.) P A (retreating; more inildly). That's what I thought. If you do it again I'm afraid I shall get angry with you, sir Judge. Ten dollars apiece, gentlemen, if you please, tor contempt of court ? Both. What? , u- • Judge. Twenty dollars apiece. Did you hear this time, or shall I sing the third verse ? , . „ , • ^ , . Both No, no, your Honor. {^Bothfeeltn all their pockets, but find nothing. Then both saunter up stage with assumed carelessness, the P. C. to the Prisoner, the P. A. to the Sheriff, and whisper for an instant. Prisoner and Sheriff hand them bills which they hastily put di their pockets, and come down stage again). How much did you say, Judge ? Judge. Forty dollars apiece. 40 A READY-MADE SUIT. Both {drawing forth their borrowed twenty dollar bills and looking at them ruefully). Charge it, Judge. Judge. Very well, gentlemen. {To Clerk. j Charge eighty dollars apiece — we always make a slight advance for charging. (P. C. a7id P. A. groan). Judge. Have you anything to add to your argument, Mr. Film ? P. A. {gloomily). No, your Honor. Judge. Glad to hear it. {Rising and addressing Jury). You have heard the evidence brought forward in this case, and it now devolves upon you to weigh that evidence, and to pronounce upon the guilt or innocence of the accused. If you are convinced that the prisoner at the bar is guilty, per- haps you had better keep your conviction to yourselves for the sake of your reputation for ordinary intelligence, if you have found any less intelligent than yourselves who have endowed you with such a reputation. But if you think she is innocent, perhaps the best thing you can do to redeem yourselves from the imputation of absolute idiocy, will be to say so as briefly and with as few grammatical and other errors as possible. In regard to the well-known principle of com- mon law cited by the prisoner's counsel, I have a few words of explanation and instruction. The phrase, — '*it takes nine tailors to make a man," — may be regarded either in an arithmetical or a sartorial sense. In the latter case, man is regarded as a mere Dude, and the artistic product of nine tailors. Similarly we have, — " It is not the coat that makes the man." Now this, regarded from one point of view in- volves an absurdity, for manifestly the coat does not make the man, because, per contra, the man makes the coat. Whereas, on the other hand, if we say, — ♦' It is not the coat that makes the man, it is th^ pants,''"' — then all becomes clear as mud. So it is, similarly, with the principle we started with. It is my opinion that it should be interpreted arithmetically in the sense that nine tailors are but the marital or other equivalent of one man, though this leaves us still in doubt what a man really is. The prisoner has stated irrele- vantly that I once attempted to kiss her in a hallway. This is, of course, untrue, the agent in that case having been a man, no doubt, who bore a strong personal resemblance to me. {Pause.') If I knew who said "Poor devil" then, I would fine him five dollars. I only mention that it was not I A READY-MADE SUIT. 4I who kissed the prisoner in order to vindicate my well known good taste in such matters. I don't want you to consider it in your verdict, nor to press hardly on her on that account. Perhaps on the whole, as it is getting late, and as she is a married woman, you had better acquit her on condition that she will never do it again. For my part, I have some feeling for her family, some of whom, I understand, are present, and if I ever erred — which I do not — would prefer to do so on the side of leniency. (^The Jury cotisiilt.) Clerk {after a pause). Gentlemen of the Jury, have you agreed upon your verdict ? Foreman (i^ishig). We have. The prisoner at the bar is pronounced by this Jury to be N. G. All. N. G. Foreman. Not guilty. Clerk. The prisoner is discharged. (Prisoner's Counsel congratulates Prisoner. The nine husbands th?-eaten Prosecuting Att'y, who protests in dumb show. Jury, Judge, etc., in their places. Tableau. Curtain. ii THE REArUNG CIATF> AM> HANDY SPFAKEK. Rcing Belie tions in Prose and Poet:y, iSerious, lluinorouf*, I'alhetic, ratrioLic, and Dramatic, for Readings and Recilations. Edited by George M. Bakek. I'apcr cover, lifteeu cents each part. CONTENTS OF READING-CLUB NO. 1. At the Soldiers' Graves. Battle-Hymn. " Boofer Lady," The. Brickla^'ers, The. Bumpkin's Courtship, The. Charles Sumner. " Curfew must not ring To-night." Closet Scene, The. (" Hamlet.") Defiance of Harold the Dauntless. Der Drummer. Dentsch Maud Muller, The. Doorstep, The. Factory-girl's Diary, The. Farmer Bent's Sheep-washing. Godiva. " Good and Better." Happiest Couple, The. (From the " School for Scandal.") Happy Life, 'J'he. Haiis Breitmann's Party. Hour of Prayer, The. How Terry saved his Bacon. How He saved Si. Michael's. In the Tunnel. Jakie on Watermelon-pickle. Jester's Sermon, The. •' Jones." Mahmoud. Mistletoe-Bough, The. Mr. Caudle and his Second "Wife. Mr. O'Gallagher's Three Roads to Learning. Nobody There. Old Age. Old Farmer Gray gets Photographed. Old Methodist's Testimony, The. Overthrow of Belshazzar. Puzzled Census-Taker, The. Popping the Question. Red Jacket, The. Rob Roy MacGregor. Samson. Senator's Pledge, The. Showman's Courtship, The. Squire's Story, The. Story of the Bad Little Boy who didn't come to Grief, The. Story of the Faithful Soul, The. Stranger in the pew, A. Tauler. Voices at the Throne, The. Whistler, The. Yankee and the Dutchman's Dog, The. Contents of Reading-Club No. 2. Address of Spotty cus. Baby Atlas. l^aby's Soliloquy, A. Beauty of Youth, The. Biddy's Troubles. Bobolink, The. Broken Pitcher, The. By the Alma River. Calling a Boy in the Morning. Cooking ai)d Courting. Curing a Cold. Double Sacrifice, The. Farm-yard Song. Fortuiie-Hunter, The. Croj n' Home To-day. Harry and I. In the Bottom Drawer. Last Ride, The. Ijcarned Xegro, The. Little Puzzler, The. Man with a Cold in his Head, The. Merchant of Venice, Trial Scene. Modest Cousin, The. Militia General, A. •' Nearer, my God, to Thee." Old Ways and the New, The. Opening of the Piano, The. Our Visitor, and What He came for. Over the River. Paddock Elms, The. Pickwickians on Ice, The. Picture, A. Press On. Possession. Quaker Meeting, The. Queen Mab. Rescue, The. Shadow on the Wall, The. Short Sermon, A. Sisters, The. Sunday Morning. There is no Death. Tobe's Monument. Toothache. Tragical Tale of the Tropics, A. Traveller's Evening Song, A. Two Anchors, The. Two Irish Idyls. What's the Matter with that None? Workers and Thinkers. Contents of Reading-Club No. 3. Appeal in Behalf of American Lib- erty. Ambition. Auction Mad. Amelia's Unfortunate Young Man. Ballad of the Oysterman, The. Bob Cratchit's Christmas-Dluner. Bone and Siuew and Brain. Bunker Hill. Burial of the Dane, The. Church of the Best Liclis, The. Countess and the Serf, The. Deck-Hand and the Mule, The. Evils of Ignorance, The. First Snow-fall, The. Flower-mission, Junior, The. For Love. Fra Giucomo. How i'ersimmons took Cah ob der Baby. Jonesville Singin' Quire, The. Last Tilt, The. Lay of Real Life, A. Law of Kindness, The. Losses. Mad Luce. Miuute-meii of '75, The Mosquitoes. Mr. Stiver's Horse. (.)de. Old Fogy Man, The. Pat and the Oysters. Recantation of Galileo, The. Roast I'ig. A Bit of Lamb. Roman Soldier, The. Riding down. Schneider's Tomatoes. School of Reform, Scenes from the. Similia Siniilibus. Singer, The. Solemn Book-Agent, The. Sons of New England, The. Speech of the Hon. Perverse Peabody on the Acquisition of Cuba. Temperance. Twilight. Two Loves and a Life. Two Births. Uncle Reuben's Baptism, Victories of Peace, The. AVeddiug-Fee, The. Wolves, The. What the Old Man said. \, Contents of Reading-Club No. 4 Battle Flag of Sigurd, The. " Business " in Mississippi. Bell of Atri, The. Cane-bottomed Chair, The. Cobbler's Secret, The. Cuddle Doon. Custer's Last Charge. Daddy Worthless. Decoration. Dignity of Labor, The. Elder SnitHe's Courtship. Goin' Somewhere. Grandfather. He Giveth His Beloved Sleep. Hot Roasted Chestnut, The. Housetop Saint, The. " Hunchback," Scene from the. Indian's Claim, The. Joan of Arc. Leedle Yawcob Strauss. Little Black-eyed Rebel, The. Little Hero, The. Little Shoe, A. Lost Cats. The. Mary Maloney's Philosophy. Minot's Ledge. Mother's Fool. Mr. O'Hoolahan's Mistake. Mr. Watkins celebrates. My Neighbor's Baby. Palmetto and the Pine, The. Pip's Fight. Post-Boy, The. Pride of Battery B, The. " Palace o' the King, The." Paper don't Say, The. Penny ye meant to gi'e, The. Question, A. Robert of Lincoln. Song of the Dying, The. St. John the Aged. "^I'ramp, The. Tom. Two Portraits. Village Sewing Society, The. Way Astors are Made, The. What is a Minority ? Widder Green's Last Worda. William Tell. Zenobia'fl Defence. ^ Contents of Reading-Club No. 5. A Blessing on the Dance. A Charge with I'riiice Rupert. A Mysterious Disappearance. Art-Matters in Indiana. A Rhine Legend. A Watch that " Wanted Cleaning. An Exciting Contest. An Indignation-Meeting. An Irisli Wake. Ballad of a Baker. Ballad of Constance. Ballad of Ronald Clare. Between the Lines. Burdock's Goat. Butterwick's Weakness. Dot Baby off Mine. Edith helps Things along. Failed. Faithful Little Peter. Five. , From the Sublime to the Ridiculous. Good-By. " If We Knew." Last Redoubt. MoUie, or ISadie? Noble Revenge. Not Dead, but Risen. " One of the Boys." Scene from " London Assurancff." Scene from " The Marble Heart." Sideways. Somebody's Mother. Something Spilt. Taci and Talent. The Amateur Spelling-Match. The Blue and Gray. The Bridge. The Canteen. The Dead Doll. The Flood and the Ark. The Honest Deacon. The Kaiser's Feast. The Little Shoes did it. The Scotchman at the Play. The Seven Ages. 'J'he Two Glasses. Tired Mothers. Uncle Remns's Revival Hymn. Whistling in Heaven. Why Biddy and I'at got Married. Contents of Reading-Club No. 6. A Disturbance in Church. A Disturbed Parent. A Christmas Carol. A Miracle. ♦' A Sweeter Revenge." An Irish Love-Letter. Behind Time. Blind Ned. Cavalry Charge, The. Clerical Wit. " Conquered at Last." Count Eberhard's Last Fo -ay. Deaf and Dumb. Der Shoemaker's Poy. Down with the Heathen Chinee! Fight at Lookout. Fireman's Prayer. Greeley's Ride. Great Future. Immortality. Joe's Bespeak. John Chinaman's Protest. Jim Lane's Last Message. Mr. Coville proves Mathematics. Nationality. One Touch of Nature. Paddy O'Rafthcr. Putty and Varnish. Reserved Power. Ship-Boy's Letter. Sweet Singer of Michigan. Tacking Ship off Shore. Tammy's Prize. Talk about Shooting. Ten Years after. The Benediction. The Changed Cross. The Fan Drill. The Farmer's Story. The Fountain of Youth. The King's Kiss. The Palmer's Vision. The Sergeant of the Fiftieth. The Well-Digger. «< Them Yankee Blankits." They Met. Virginius to the Roman Army. Warning to Woman. Weaving the Web. Widow Stebbius on Homtjeopathy. Contents of Reading-Club No. 7. A College Widow. A Free Seat. A Humorous Dare-Devil. All's Well that ends Well. A London Bee Story. A Modern Heroine. A Modern Sermon. A Reminiscence. A Royal Princess. Ave Maria. Civil War. Creeds of the Bells. " Dashing Rod," Trooper. Down Hill with the Brakes off. Drawing Water. Family Portraits. Fool's Prayer. Greatest Walk on Record. Hannibal at the Altar. " He giveth His Beloved Sleep." Hohenlinden. How Xeighbor Wilkins got Religion. How Randa went over the River. Irish Boy and Priest. Jimmy Butler and the Owl. Jim Wolfe and the Cats. Last Hymn. Left Alone at Eighty. Maud's Misery. National Game. New Dixie. On the Channel-Boat. Orient Yourself. Paddle Your Own Canoe. Patriot Spy. Pledge to the Dead. Pomological Society. Rhymes at Random. San Benito. St. Leon's Toast. That Calf. The Carpenter's Wooing, and tht Sequel. The Dead Student. The Ladies. The Pin. The Retort. The Singers' Alms. This Side and That. Two Fishers. Uncle Mellick dines with his Master. Contents of Reading-Club No. 8. A Brick. A Colored Debating Society. Along the Line. A New Version of the Parable of the Virgins. An Evangel. Annie's Ticket. Apples — A Comedy. A Sermon for the Sisters. A Thirsty Boy. Aunt Phillis'sGuest. Ballad of the Bell-Tower. " Christianos ad Leones! " City Man and Setting Heu. Daisy's Faith. De 'Sperience oh Reb'rend Quacko Strong. Defence of Lucknow. Dutch Security. Ya.«.i Mail. Father William. From One Standpoint. Girl of the Crisis. Grave of the Greyhound. Indian Warrior's Defence. Labor is Worship. Lanty Leary. Last of the Sarpints. Legend of the White Hand. Loudon Zoological Gardens. Masked Batteries. Miss Edith's Modest Request. Mrs. Brown at the Play. Old Grimes. People will laugh. Peril of the Mines. Parody on " Father William." Patter of the Shingle. Paul Clifford's Defence. Shiftless Neighbor Ball. Song of the Mystic. The Baron's Last Banquet. "^rhe Captive. The Dilemma. The Divorce Feast. The Farmer and the Barrister. The Man with a Bear. The Story of the Tilen. The Outlaw's Yarn. The Rich Man and the Poor Maa> Two Dreams. Yankee Courtship. [ Contents of Reading-Club No. 9. Antoinette. Antony to Cleopatra. Awfully Lovely Philosophy. Cam, The. Cheek. Claiibel's Prayer. Cleopatra Dying. Dafl. DUNDUCEETTY'S PICNIC. A'Farce in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 6 male, 3 female char. 17. I'VE WRITTEN TO BROWNE. A Farce f^ in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 10, MY PRECIOUS BETSY. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 4 female char. flO. MY TURN NEXT. A Farce in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 3 female char. 22. THE PHANTOM BREAKFAST. A Farce in 1 Act. ]3y Chas. Selby. 3 male, 2 female char. 23. DANDELION'S DODGES. A Farce in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 24. A SLICE OP LUCK. A Farce m 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 4 male, 2 female char. 25. ALWAYS INTENDED. A Comedy in 1 Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 male, 3 female char. 26 A BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. A Comedy in 2 Acts. By Charles Matthews. 6 male, 4 female char. ^ 27. ANOTHER GLASS. A Drama in 1 Act. By Thomas Morton. 6 male, 3 female char. 28. BOWLED OUT. A Farce in 1 Act. ByH. T. Craven. 4 male, 3 female char. 29. COUSIN TOM. A Commedietta in 1 Act. By Geo. Roberts. 3 male, 2 female char. SO. SARAH'S YOUNG MAN. A Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male, 3 female char. 31. HIT HIM, HE HAS NO FRIENDS. A Farce in 1 Act. By E. Yates and N. H. Har- rington. 7 male, 3 female char, 32. THE CHRISTEISriNG. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 male 6 female char. 33. A RACE FOR A WIDOW. A Farce in 1 Act. By T. J. Williams. 5 male, 4 female char. 34. YOUR LIFE'S IN DANGER. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 35. TRUE UNTO DEATH. A Drama in 2 Acts, nk By J. Sheridan Knowles. 6 male, 2 female char. 36. DIAMOND CUT DIAMOND. An Interlude an 1 Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 male, 1 female 3i3flr. .. LOOK AFTER BROWN. A Farce in 1 Act. By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 male, 1 female char. 38. MONSEIGNEUR. A Drama in 3 Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 male, 3 female char. 39. A VERY PLEASANT EVENING. A Farce in 1 Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 male char. 40. BROTHER BEN. A Farce in 1 Act. Bjr 5» M. Morton. 3 male, 3 female char. 41. ONLY A CLOD. A Comic Drama in 1 Act By J. P. Simpson. 4 male, 1 female char. 42. GASPARDO THE GONDOLIER. A Drama in 3 Acts. By George Almar. 10 male, 2 female char. 43. SUNSHINE THROUGH THE CLOUDS. A Drama in 1 Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 male, 3 female char. 44. DONT JUDGE BY APPEARANCES. A Farce in 1 Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 male, 2 female char, 45. NURSE Y CHICKWEED. A Farce in 1 Act By T. J. Williams. 4 male, 2 female char. 46. MARY MOO ; or, Which shall I MarryP A Farce in 1 Act By W. E. Suter, 2 male, 1 female char. 47. EAST LYNNE. A Drama in 5 Acts. 8 male. 7 female char. 48. THE HIDDEN HAND. A Drama in 5 Acts. By Robert Jones. 16 male, 7 female char. 49. SILVERSTONE'S WAGER. A Commedi- etta in 1 Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 male, 3 fe- male char. 50. DORA. A Pastoral Drama in 3 Acts. By Chas. Reade. 5 male, 2 female char. 65. THE WIFE'S SECRET. A Play in 5 Acts. By Geo. W. Loveli. 10 male, 2 female char. 56. THE BABES IN THE WOOD. A Com- edy in 3 Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 male. 3 te- male char. 57. PUTKINS -, Heir 1 3 Castles in the Air. A Comic Drama in i Act By W. R. Emerson. 2 male, 2 feaiale char. 68. .a.N UGI,Y CUSTOMER. AFarceinl^ct By Th^mjs J. Williams. 3 male, 2 female char. 59. BLUE AND CHERRY. A Comedy in 1 Act 3 male, 2 female char. 60. A DOUBTFUL VICTORY. A Comedy in 1 Act 3 male, 2 female char. 61. THE SCARLET LETTER. A Drama in S Acts. 8 male, 7 female char. 62. WHICH WILL HAVE HIM P A Vaude- ville. 1 male, 2 female char. 63. MADAM IS ABED. A VaudeviUe in 1 Act 2 male, 2 female char. 64. THE ANONYMOUS KISS. A VaudeviUe. 2 male, 2 female char. 65. THE CLEFT STICK. A Comedy in 3 Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 66. A SOLDIER, A SAILOR, A TINKER, AND A TAILOR. A Farce in 1 AcJ. 4 male, 2 female char. 67. GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME. A Farce. 2 male, 2 female char. 68. DAMON AND PYTHIAS. A Farce. 8 male, 4 female char. ^ 69. A HUSBAND TO ORDER. A Serio-comic Drama in 2 Acts. 5 male, 3 female char. 70. PAYABLE ON DEMAND. A Domestic ■ Drama in 2 Acts. 7 male, 1 female char. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free &n application t9 WALTEK H. BAKER & CO., Old South Block, No. 10 Milk St., Boston. MEYER'S CELEBRATED GR..hJ..^ rm"i 1."^^ We are now prepared to furnish a full line of Grease Paints of the celebrated make of Charles Meyer, at the manufacturer's price. These paints ai'e acknowledged I'v professionals to be the best, and are in general use in our theatres. Compared to tin.- old method of using powders, these paints are far superior, as they impart a clearc r and more life-like appearance to the skin, and, being of a greasy nature, cannot easily be affected by perspiration. We can supply the following necessary colors, put up in a neat box, with full directions for use, "viz. : Light Flesh, Dark Flesh, Brown, iilack. Lake, White, Carmine, and Slate. Price, $i.oo. We have also the following extra colors : Very pale Flesh Color. Light P'lesh, deeper tint. Natural Flesh Color, for juvenile heroes. Rosy Tint, for juvenile heroes. Deeper shade, for juve- nile heroes. for Done up in sticks of four inches in lengtl made to order. Healthy Sunburned juvenile heroes. Healthy Sunb'ned, deep- er shade. Sallow, for young men. Healthy Color, for mid- dle ages. Sallow, for old age. at 25 cents each NO. 11. Ruddy, for old age. 12. Olive, healthy. 13. Olive, lighter shade. 14. Gvpsv riesh color. 15. Othello. 16. Chinese. 17. Indian. iS. East Indian. Any other color LINING COLORS: Brown, Black, Lake, and White, 15 cents each, and White, large sticks, 25 cents each. Carmine MEYER'S WELL-KNOWN FACE PREPARATIONS. Justh' recommended by tlie profession as being the best. CREAM EXORA. — In large china pots. A very fine preparation for beauti- fying the complexion, in diffei-ent shades, as follows : No. i. White; No 2, Tint of Rose; No. 3, Darker Shade (brunette). 50 and 75 cents per box. ADHESIVE POWDER. —For sticking on Mustaches, Whiskers, etc. Price, 25 cents per box. COCOA BUTTER. — For removing grease paint. Large pieces, 25 cents. nnRiN'<^ { Rouge de Theatre. 1 p ■ . , DOKIN b I Blanc de Theatre. ) 1 '^ce, 35 cents each. BAKER'S SMOKE POTS. — Having considerable call for an article for niaking smoke for fire scenes, etc., we have made arrangements with the pyro- teclinist of the Boston Theatre to supply us with the best article for that purpose; we can now furnish smoke pots, entirely free from stench and producing a thick white smoke, in two sizes, at 35 and 50 cents each. BAKER'S BLACK OPERA CORK. — For Ethiopian Singers and Actors. ^o cents per box. BAKER'S TABLEAU LIGHTS. -Red, Green, and White. Price, 25 cents each. These lights are put up especially for our trade, and cannot be excelled for brilliancy. Thev burn with as little smoke as any preparation for like purpose. The white is especially brilliant, rivalling the magnesium light in intensity. We have the above solidified for mailing purposes, enough for three lights in a pack- age, at the same price. The Tableau Lights will be sold in hulk, put up in tin boxes, not less than half a pound of a color, at $1.50 per pound ; sent only by express. We can furnish any of the articles advertised in the catalogues of other publishers of plays, at list prices. WALTER H. BAKER & CO., 10 Milk Street, Boston.