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PROGRAM

FOR WIDOWS

D. F. Miller, C.SS.R.

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Published by

LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS
REDEMPTORIST FATHERS

Liguori, Mo.



Imprimi Potest:

John N. McCormick, C.SS.R.

Provincial, St. Louis Province,

Redemptorist Fathers

Jan. 26, 1959

Imprimatur:

© Joseph E. Ritter
Archbishop of St. Louis

St. Louis, Jan. 28, 1959

- 2 -
OstcitfHted



An analysis of some of the dangers

and temptations on the one hand,

and obligations and opportunities

on the other, that must be faced by

widows.

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PROGRAM
FOR WIDOWS

D. F. Miller, C.SS.R.

One of the most difficult adjustments

that any human being is ever called upon

to make is that of the good wife, not yet

far advanced in years, whose beloved

husband is taken from her by death. At

the same time it may be said that far too

little has been written to help such wid-

ows face their new problems courageous-

ly, and build up attitudes and habits that

will save them from self-pity and bring

them a measure of peace.

In September of 1957, Pope Pius XII

delivered a magnificent instruction for

widows to the World Union of Family

Organizations. This instruction will sure-

ly be the basis and beginning of many

more practical and spiritual treatises for

widows, just as it is for the practical

thoughts that are set down here. These

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should be of value, not only to those

who are widows as of now, but to all

wives, who, without undue panic or hor-

ror, should prudently make themselves

aware that one day, in the providence of

God, the problems of widowhood may

be theirs.

The essential psychological factor that

makes young or middle-aged widowhood

a great trial is the pattern of dependence

between husband and wife that is set up

by a successful marriage. The pattern ap-

plies to both husband and wife, but more

completely to the latter. The wife or-

dinarily depends on the husband for all

the material things she needs for herself

personally and for her home; she de-

pends on him for companionship, sym-

pathy, encouragement, love; she depends

on him for protection from the world.

It is natural, then, that if the husband

is suddenly or even after an extended

illness taken by death, there will be not

only the usual sense of shock and be-

reavement, but a feeling that, in the loss

of the one on whom she depended so



much, the whole world has collapsed

around her.

It is for this reason that many widows

never seem to adjust themselves to what

God has decreed. Instead they either fall

into a continuing state of self-pity that

makes them a trial to all who know

them, or rather frantically and foolishly

and sometimes even immorally seek com-

pensations for what they have lost.

Pope Pius XII described these dan-

gers well. “Some widows,” he said,

“abandon themselves to a kind of pas-

sive resignation. They lose interest in

life and refuse to come out of them-

selves. Others, on the contrary, try to

forget; they create excuses for themselves

which dispense them from facing their

real responsibilities in a loyal and cour-

ageous manner.”

A well thought out and actively un-
dertaken program will prevent such tragic

happenings. The program will include:

1. A right and reasonable period of
mourning. 2. Strong measures to adjust

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to loneliness. 3. Readiness for special

temptations. 4. The adoption of a right

attitude toward possible re-marriage.

1. REASONABLE MOURNING

Grief over the loss of one dearly be-

loved is the most natural and spontane-

ous thing in the world. Such grief causes

irresistible tears, just as Christ Himself

wept over the death of His friend Lazar-

us and in sympathy with the tears of the

sisters of the dead man, even though He

knew that He would raise Lazarus from

the grave. There is nothing ignoble about

such tears. They draw forth the sincere

sympathy of all the relatives and friends

of the one bereaved.

Civilized society has sanctioned the

custom of one’s manifesting the natural

grief over the loss of a loved one by a

reasonable period of mourning. During

that time the bereaved person withdraws

from the activities of the world. Relatives

and friends do everything possible to

bring what comfort and relief they can.

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Gradually they hope to see the passage

of time and their own consoling words

and actions take much of the sting out

of the first acute pangs of sorrow.

There are three things that can make

a widow’s grief unreasonable, and the

normal period of mourning powerless to

heal or at least soothe the wound that

has been received.

The first is the failure to apply the

principles of faith and hope in God to

the inescapable sorrow that is being ex-

perienced. In its worst form, this mani-

fests itself in sullen bitterness against

God. In less extreme forms it is present

when the widow simply refuses to think

of her sorrow in relation to the provi-

dence of God, the sufferings of Christ

and His Mother, and the revealed value

of suffering for the welfare of the soul

of the departed and as atonement for

her own sins and the sins of the world.

Grief becomes bearable only in so far

as these basic truths are pondered. The

widow must force herself to make acts

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of faith in God’s providence, that is, in

the fundamental truth that God permits

nothing to happen without a reason that

will be known in eternity, even though

what happens seems unreasonable in

time. She must cultivate a strong hope

that she will see her husband again, and

in that hope do everything possible to

bring relief to her husband, who may be

suffering in purgatory.

She must, moreover, think of her own

suffering as light in comparison with that

of her Saviour on the cross, and of His

Mother standing beneath it as He died.

Finally, she must recognize the spirit-

ual value of suffering. If she has ever

committed a mortal sin in her life, or

even a deliberate venial sin, she must ac-

cept her bereavement as a far lesser pun-

ishment than her sin actually deserved.

She should also think of the words of

Mary to the children at Fatima, to the

effect that many souls who are rushing

headlong toward hell can be saved only

by the patient acceptance of God-sent

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suffering on the part of Christians still

living in the world.

These spiritual convictions are abso-

lutely basic. Without them, no other

measures for relieving grief will prevent

self-pity or lasting bitterness against God.

2. ADJUSTMENT TO LONELINESS

The special kind of loneliness exper-

ienced by a wife who has lost a good

husband clearly calls for a definite pro-

gram which, while it will not stifle all

loneliness, will make it fruitful and mer-

itorious. The program must have three

distinct parts.

a. The first is a vigorous determina-

tion to keep herself busy at some useful

work.

In case she has children who are still

going to school, this part of the program

will ordinarily be easily provided for.

Though it is a sad thing, from one an-

gle, for growing children to be left fath-

erless, from another angle it is a bless-

ing for the widow to have pressing tasks

at hand that must be done. In a way she

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should feel that God has a very special

confidence in her. He has made it clear

that she has the ability and strength and

grace to be both a father and mother to

her children. He wants her to apply her-

self to this task with undoubting confi-

dence that He will be at her side with

ready help for all her needs.

This is true even in the case where

economic pressures make it necessary for

the wife to get a job in order to support

the children. Sometimes in very remark-

able ways solutions will be found to the

difficult problem of keeping up the home

and holding down a job, if the widow

places herself entirely in God’s hands.

Even when there are no children, or

when the children have grown up and

left the home, the widow should, within

a reasonable time, look for some regular

work to do. This can take the form of a

commercial job, or, if she is well off,

work for a religious or charitable organ-

ization. There are all sorts of openings

for this sort of thing. It cannot be stressed

too strongly that she should not give her-

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self up to an idle life, in which her grief

will become more intense and profitless

as the years roll by.

b. The second part of the necessary

program for assuaging loneliness is the

leading of an active spiritual life. If at

all possible in conformity with her other

duties, this should mean frequent and,

at best, daily Mass and Communion. It

should mean willing participation in the

affairs of her parish, both spiritual and

temporal. The widow who drifts away

from God and from spiritual activities,

instead of drawing closer to God as a

result of her loss, gives sad proof that

she never possessed a very genuine reli-

gion. The only real cure for loneliness,

and this applies to many an unhappy

wife as well as to widows who had been

happy wives, is to be found in a life of

true friendship with Jesus Christ.

c. The third part of the program neces-

sary for lonely widows is a reasonable

amount of recreation. It sometimes hap-

pens that widows adopt and thrust upon

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all who know them an attitude repre-

sented by the words: “I shall never en-

joy myself again.” They spoil social gath-

erings by their complaints and gloomi-

ness; they resent anybody who suggests

that they do something that might relax

them for a little while.

After a reasonable period of mourn-

ing, during which it is proper to avoid

gaiety and pleasure-seeking, a widow,

like everybody else, needs recreation and

relaxation. This can take the form of a

trip now and then, of pleasant participa-

tion in social and family gatherings, and

of attending decent public entertainments.

Refusing participation in all such things

for an indefinite period can only warp

the character of anyone.

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3. READINESS FOR SPECIAL

TEMPTATIONS

There are two special kinds of tempta-

tion that widows must face as a result of

the bereavement they have suffered. They

have been hinted at in all that has been

said here previously; but they should be

analyzed directly and in detail.

The first is the temptation to be and

to remain resentful against God. It is un-

derstandable that in the first wave of

grief, a widow may have a very difficult

time resisting thoughts of bitterness

against God. But when the first shock is

over, and there has been time to think

and meditate and pray, there is no ex-

cuse for a Christian’s refusing to say

from her heart: “Thy will be done, O
God.” There is no excuse for her giving

to others the impression, by her continu-

ing complaints and gloomy attitude, even

months after the loss of her husband,

that she holds it against God that He did

so cruel a thing to her. Above all, for a

widow to stay away from the sacraments

and to do little praying is to multiply her

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miseries and to deprive herself of any

real hope of relief.

Therefore, from the first moment in

which she is able to think calmly after

the shock of bereavement, every widow

must brace herself to resist these temp-

tations : 1 ) to speak as if God had been

cruel and unjust to her; 2) to act, by

moping and complaining, as if God had

made life so miserable for her that she

would never smile again; 3) to turn her

back on the very God who died on a cross

for her redemption and eternal happiness,

by giving up regular practices of religion.

The second is a temptation that may

very well flow from her giving in to the

first. It is the temptation to seek comfort

and compensation for the loss she has

experienced in sinful associations with

men. This is the age-old outgrowth of

self-pity which eventually could make a

widow say: “I have a right to some hap-

piness; I have a right to look for and

accept love, even though it be sinful

love.”

As will be stated, below, it is not

wrong for a widow to consider the pos-

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sibility of remarriage, and after an ap-

propriate and decent period of mourn-

ing, to take up lawful company-keeping

as a possible preparation for a second

marriage. But two things are forbidden,

and they must be mentioned because they

constitute all too common temptations.

One is to accept the attentions of, and

to enter into steady company-keeping

with, a man who is validly married but

divorced or separated from his wife. (We

hardly need mention the terrible evil of

accepting attentions from any man who

is* married and living with his wife.)

There is a special attraction between

lonely people. A divorced man is lonely
and a widow is lonely, and if the widow

is not stoutly prepared to avoid sin at

any cost, and ready to flee from the least

occasion, she may succumb to a close

friendship that can be an occasion only

of infidelity to God and even of the loss

of her soul.

The other evil is that of entering into

friendship with anyone without the strict-

est observance of the rules of modesty

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and chastity. This has to be mentioned

because temptations to unchastity, which

anyone may experience, are always made

stronger by loneliness. Loneliness makes

one long for sympathy and affection. A
widow who receives such sympathy and

affection will find that she must draw on

special resources of grace and will power

not to permit the signs of affection to go

too far, that is, into the realm of sin.

4. ATTITUDES TOWARD
REMARRIAGE

Three different attitudes may be adopt-

ed by a widow in this regard. They may

be called 1) the spiritually perfect atti-

tude; 2) the less perfect but not wrong

attitude; 3) the spiritually imperfect at-

titude.

The spiritually perfect attitude is that

by which a widow decides, with due de-

liberation and perfect freedom, that she

will not marry again.

St. Paul expresses the perfection of

this attitude in the words: “A woman is



bound by the law as long as her husband

liveth; but if her husband die, she is at

liberty. Let her marry to whom she will:

but only in the Lord. But more blessed

shall she be, if she so remain, according

to my counsel.” (1 Corinthians, 7:39-40)

Pope Pius XII spoke at greater length

on the same theme in his address to Fam-

ily Organizations concerning widows.

“Although the Church does not condemn

remarriage, she shows her predilection

for souls who wish to remain faithful to

their spouse and to the perfect symbolism

of the sacrament of marriage. She re-

joices when she sees the spiritual riches

being cultivated which are proper to this

state. The first of these, it seems to us,

is a strong conviction that, far from

destroying the bonds of human and su-

pernatural love which are contracted in

marriage, death can perfect them and

strengthen them.”

The widow, therefore, who wants to

do the most perfect thing in the eyes of

God, will dedicate the rest of her life to

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the service of God without remarriage.

This will be impossible unless she adopt

a genuinely spiritual and supernatural

way of living. In due time, however, it

is even possible for such widows to make

a perfect vow of chastity, and thus add

immeasurably to the merit they are

amassing for heaven.

The less perfect, but by no means

wrong or condemned attitude of a widow

toward remarriage is that whereby she

does not make a final decision that she

will never remarry, but neither does she

set her mind on finding another husband.

She leaves the future open, meanwhile

living up to the program outlined here

in every detail. She adopts the attitude

that if, some years after the death of her

husband, an opportunity for a good, holy

marriage should present itself, she would

then make her decision with the advice

of a good confessor.

The important point is that she does

not center all her thoughts and antici-

pations on another marriage. She leaves

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the possibility of that in the hands of

Providence, determined to be a good

widow, even if she never becomes a re-

married widow.

This open-mindedness toward possi-

ble future marriage can in the course of

time be replaced with a resolve not to

marry for the love of God and in spirit-

ual fidelity to her first husband. When

such a decision is made, it should be ac-

companied by a complete dedication of

her life to God, backed up by a definite

and detailed spiritual program for daily

living.

The imperfect attitude toward remar-

riage is that of the widow who, almost

before a decent period of mourning for

her husband has passed, makes it obvi-

ous to everybody that her main desire is

to find another man who will marry her.

We call this imperfect because it usually
leads to neglect of primary duties, such

as caring for the children who are de-

pendent on her; it drives her into the

path of many temptations, not the least

of which is that of entering an invalid

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marriage; and it deprives her of all peace

of mind when it turns out that she can-

not quickly fulfill her desire. If remar-

riage is to be thought about at all by a

widow, it should be thought about mere-

ly as a possibility in the sense desribed

above.



CONCLUSION

Pope Pius XII ends his instruction for

widows on a beautiful note. He speaks

of them as having a special vocation in

the world. “The widow,” he says, “has

a special message for those about her.

She lives more by faith, who through

sorrow has won access to a more serene

and supernatural world ... to those who

are too self-enclosed or withdrawn into

themselves and have not yet discovered

the full meaning of conjugal love, she

will teach purification, necessary detach-

ment and the unwavering fidelity that

love requires.

“In regard to other widows, she will

feel herself bound in a special way to

help them fulfill their sacrifice and un-

derstand its significance. . . . For all, she

will be one whose silent and tactful char-

ity hastens to render service with a word

or a gesture wherever a more pressing

need or a greater sorrow shows itself.

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“In her family or professional relation-

ships, or with her friends, she will intro-

duce the distinctive note that character-

izes her apostolate: the testimony of her

faithfulness to a beloved memory, and

of her having found in this faithfulness

and the renunciation it involves a more

profound, more stable, more luminous

happiness than that which she had to re-

nounce.”





Published by

LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS

REDEMPTOR1ST FATHERS

LIGUORI, MISSOURI

l’rinied in U.S.A