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A M S A Y i <1IT«B«C, V. •XK^ijklli^ nUVVTim, 30m»VWri TOnOKTO, A. H. ABMODTft AND C)a^J l(»K)>Oir, jr. |i[. OSAKAk } BTIfOWjr, A. SJlTlOITv '1 ^^ 'll ■a' a K-'' • ™ f AVJUU« i-^! :-J'^ 'ijMi^k ■^fMk^. »» _ ^ w , r- iv-iit.''" ' '}U:r''' -'- }^ 1 t ■ - ■ ■ ^ . .' .ft--; 1 '■-■: ■ ' *■ ■■ . * .'"' " "^^^^3^^^^^^ BWRfe *-*ri-. "' ' ■■• i^M|' ^ ^1 1 i 1 THE 60VEBN0B OF CACOIf A. 1 \ ft It 1 ^^S^B * . - "i * 1 1 ^B^^^^^^^^^^^^r H 1 1 one "Entered aocording to Act of the Prorindal Legidatnre. in the year thmumd eight hundred and fifty-two^ by Hew Ramsay, in the Office of the Registrar of the Province of Oanada." ai doi »•" nor Vf HOW I CAME ton GOVERNOR THE ISLAND OF CACONA : roM ifthe 'VRB ▲ PAanODLAK AOOODIIT OV MY ADMINISTRATION OF THE JlWWJOU iit THAT ULASD, «««»»CTFULLT DIDICATBD TO MT FU.LOW LAB0O««Ba Ijr THK COLOHlAt VJNBYABD. BY THE HON. FRANCIS THISTLETON, lATB QOTKBMOB OF THB UIAMD OF OAOON A. "Fd r^ar I«r under the ihade of an oak in aummer, and wrap mTaelfin %. i»i.i. «# double iheep-iUn In winter, at my Ubertj. tiian lay me^m^^I, til f i»*Mot OoTemmentTbetween HoUai^d ihwC"/ tnT^obS ta flne^btei niSTiS^Iffir *^ » fenttafolta; UllmyLordDuketlut^ed wa. I birS 21llT' AfiSJ*"*"** P«»«Voame I to the OoTernm;nt, wS^withSSa iS ^tol leate iU— All Ooremors cannot own to the like." bamm » MONTfiEAL: H. RAMSAY} QTOBBO, F. eiHCLAlRJ MNOSTOM, JOHN DUFF? TOHOHTO, A. H. AKMOVB AMD CO. J lOMDOK, J. M. OKAHAM J BYTOWlf, A. BRYION. 1852. i *. FC H4Z^ B mi fin Qn To hal to HOW I CAME TO BE GOVERNOR OP CACONA. CHAPTER I. Being anothe- illuttrntion of the Irinh adi^je. that "the dark-t hour of night is the nearest to morning." WAS sitting with my legs thrust out, and in a veiy melancholy mood, before ...^ apology for a fire, which^ after a good deal of trouble, Mr. Pinkerton and I had succeeded in raising out of the handful of coals remaining from the last half bushel. As these smouldered into dust, it seemed as if my last hopes were going with them. For the six months during which Pinkerton and myself had c' : ibered together, wt had always had something UU that moment on which to sustain expectation. During the first month a good deal had been said about acertwa unknown client, who was to walk in and retain either lorn or myself in an important cause which had baffled half the legal heads in the country, but which we were to find no difficulty in conducting to a successfiil con- ^ HOW I CAME TO BB clu8ion,^thu8 opening an easy way to the Bench and the Chancellorship. As, however, the month expired without this gentleman making his appearance, and as. moreover, Mr. Higgins, the landlord, had called twice for his rent, we were compelled to abandon this hope, and come to the conclusion that authorship, and not law was to bo the happy means of helping us up that popular ladder which leads to fortune and distinction. Acting on this conviction, we produced, Pinkerton his tragedy of the « Consumptive Maid," and I, my pamphlet on Colonies and Colonisation.** Of the latter, presenta- tion copies were sent to Lord John and the other mem- bers of the Cabinet, as well as to my own relatives and friends in different parts of the Kingdom. I cannot say that either of the efforts had been thus far very successful- Poor Pinkerton's manuscript was reported to have been lost 111 getting from Covent Garden to one of the minors, whilst the only acknowledgment I received from my attempt to throw light on the Colonial system, was a letter from an old Tory uncle, accusing me of a settled design to overthrow the Constitution, and denouncing me as a Radical and a Chartist. This almost drove me wild, but as Pinkerton (who had been studying mechan- 4CS since the disappearance of his tragedy) had just announced his new City Respirator, for turning a fresh current of air through every alley and lane in the metro- polls, (thus effectually banishing fever and the cholera,) I did not commit myself to total and irretrievable despair, b»t, in fact, gradually recovered my spirits. Pinkerton's invention, (which I stiU think very ingenious,) consisted of an enormous pair of bellows, or soufflades, as he called them, which were designed to be worked by a steam-engine, and which in that way it was calculated would give out upon an average thtee hundred millions of feet of eoW air an hour. This machine was to be placed on Ihc top of St. Paul's, or some other elevated building, ' OCVBHNOR OP CACOMA. and by means of a swivel, to be turned 30 as to be able to play on all the different quarters of the metropolis. It was also a part of the plan that another soufflade should be stationed down the river at Gravesend or Wool- wich, to blow up wind-bound vessels, thus performing the •^ther difficult feat of what is popularly called " killing two birds with one stone," or more properly, in our case, doing two jobs with one breath. The first experiment,' which was made in Lincoln's Inn Gardens, in pre- sence of several .mrsery maids and a crowd of small urchins, was highly successful. One little boy, who ap- proached too near the noozle of the Respirator, was blown slap into Fleet-street, and two elderly benchers were compelled to throw themselves flat on the ground to escape the effects of the hurricane. Unfortunately the whole thing was marred by the interested opposition of the patent cab-men, who represented through the news- papers that it would be impossible for them to keep their seals on their vehicles if the bellows were kept blowing at that rate, and who got up a petition to the Lord Mayor, which entirely put a stop to our operations. It was now three weeks since this scheme had been abandoned, and nothing but dark clouds had been gathering ever since. Our last sovereign had been expended in procuring leather for the Respirator, and at the moment to which I am referring it would have been as easy for us to have scaled the heights of Quebec, as to procure the necessary amount for a dinner. As generally happens, too, our creditors, (who had been hitherto kept off by the Respirator,) had become importunate exactly in the ratio of our inabUity to meet their demands. Higgins, the landlord, more especially, had become exceedingly pressing. There, ranged one above another on the wall, were all his several applications, from the first politely penned note, « begging to be excused for the liberty," to the last dirty scrawl, breathing fierce HOW I CAME TO BB indignation at " being kept so long out of his money." Under him, as next in magnitude, came Tweedlehum, the tailor. Tweedleham, I must do him the justice of saying, never indulged in the extravagance of letter- writing, but then there was no getting away from that w-^ak-eyed man, with a very husky voice, to whom he intrusted the management of his financial affairs, and who was incessantly enquiring on his behalf, " when it would be convenient to pay that 'ere small account." After Tweedleham, came a short memorandum, to mark the place which ought to have been occupied by Block- ham, the bootmaker, whose epistolary correspondence had been banished, on account of the strong odour sent forth by the cobbler's wax with which he per- sisted in sealing his letters; and then, following in Tegular succession, was a long list which it would not be improper to class as belonging to the victualling department, including such articles as have always been regarded as necessary to the existence of man, as, for example, beef, beer, and bread, with an occasional item of shrimps, cmmpets, and potatoes. Pinkerton was sitting at some distance from me, with his legs turned up on a chair, and his head thrown back on the sofa, apparently watching the motions of a spider which was playing at see-saw from the ceiling. Just at this moment, he raised himself up firom his reclining posi- tion, and putting his hands to his mouth, gave a loud puff, which brought the insect whose movements he had been watching, down on my face. " There, he exclaimed, as he resumed his seat, apparently very much pleased with the feat—" that's exactly the principle." " Confound it," I exclaimed, jumping up and shaking myself, to get rid of the intruder, " can't you keep quiet. What principle is there in blowing spiders about the room ?" " Everything, my dear Thistleton : there you have ai| OOYBBHOB OP CAOON A. iUustration of the Respirator ; call that spider the Cholera, and where is it ?" " Down my back, Vm afraid.'* •*0h, yes— but that is'nt what I mean, fixcnse me Frank, for my awkwardness, but what I mean is this :— - suppose that spider to be an infectious disease hanging over a city— call your head the city, for example ;— here (putting his hands one on each side of his cheeks) is my Respirator : now just at the moment when the pestUence is descending— pufT—I exhaust my bellows-* and— puff— it is gone, thousands of mortals are saved from destruction, and science has triumphed : Seriously, my dear Thistleton, don't you see it in that light ?" ** I tell you what I can see, Pinkerton," said I ; " and that is that we are pretty well used up individuals. If you could manage to blow away old J /gins (who will be here for his rent presently) as easily as you did the spider, it would be a great relief to my feelings.'' " Oh, confound Higgins— he must wait." " Nomifltake about that— he'll have to wait, that's cer- tain. But then there's the coals, and the bread, and the milk. Old Mrs. Brown swears she'll make no more ad- vances, and I suppose we can't afford to keep a cow, or to enter into any extensive agricultural speculations." " Cow— phoo !" said Pinkerton, trying to look despe- rate, and letting two or three drops of a sickly looking fluid fall from the milk-pot on the back of his hand— " devilish little cow about that, I suspect." The subject, however, was too painful to be treated lightly, and after indulging in a futile attempt to blow a fly into the slop basin, Mr. Pinkerton relapsed again into a state of apathetic despondency. <* Tick, tick, tick," went an old clock in an adjoining room, as though beating an accompaniment to the thoughts which were working away in the minds of Her Majesty's iwo Counsel learned in the law, as they sat dumpily and K BOW I CAME VOm. I ! t gloomily leydving the variw chances which maJte or mar men's fortunes in this soblunary state o£ eidsr lence; very pleasant miwic at . any other timeJ but hopnbly .fidgetty and irritating just then. Tick, tiek, tick^the^rnpno^liy was growing perfectly unendur&blea When^ddenly the silence wa« broken by a sharp puli a5 the door beU, foUowed by the ji«gling sound of the Woibed tintinnabuluro. .,,, , ,,; j^ , !**Tl»at's Higgins!" exclaimed. Pinkeiton, tqriiinffw^ pale, an4 jucnping off tfee sofa. ^^ nodded assent. « Go end let him in' » ' iu' ^r"*! ^"^^^ ^^" gPrr-you manage these things bettef x.hl i^'.- r^^'T*' * '""P^^: *^«Wt of stammering when rpi telling a lie, that it spoils the effect. Besides you made all the arrangements originally, you cm say that you hav'nt heard from your uncle yet, and put off the fault on Sunday Post-Office closing." : In anything but a pleasant stale of mind, I made m» way to the door, where,! imag^ed I could hear Kis^ins sn^ting in his^ peculiarly excited way, and stampinfhis fe?t mdignantly on the pavement, as was his Wont.^ «ThrTr7r^i'^ ^!^^^ *' '"'^^'^ in the shade as pos^ ed for the familiar never-vaiying question which haunted mein my dreams--" well, Mr. Thistleton, how about that little matter of reut.»» This time, however, I was mistaken. The voice was not the voice of Higgins, nor was the enquiry the dreaded one which was expected. On looking up, after niakir^ this discovery, J perceived a short stout man. dressed m a complete suit of blue, standing before me. There was a janty, semi-important something about thii person which stnick me at once. If he was a colleoior he must be a tax collector, and I was proof against them I •a I plucked up my courage, und looked bim iii^^Jtm like a man. _ I GOTESNOB OF CAOOITA. 0^ ..i. *^ Mr. Thistleton ?" suggested the stranger, in a voice thutwas vastly encouTfC"* "The same," I replied "Well, you're in for luck, I expect," said the gentle- man in blue : " smell that," and he pushed an official- looking letter, with a monster seal on it, under rny nose—; " * Francis Thistleton, Esq., Barrister-at-Law,' just as nice as can be. Perhi^s that is'nt the Secretary's own hand- writing, and perhaps there's nothing about a Colonial appointment inside. I wonder (and he turned the letter over in his hand)*-I wonder where it can be for? Can't be Antiguay, can it ? Them's all black fellows there, but it's pretty good pay, and there ain't much to do. Then there's Jamaica ! They ain't going to bring Trotter home' firom Jamaica, is they ? Or may be it's Nova Scotia. Well, that's a pretty little bit of business for a man that'» up to smcurt driving. Or, it can't be Canedy again, can it? Crikey, if it should be Canedy! I've sent lots (^ €k>vernors there, but somehow or other they never came back. There was Paul Thompkins, who got mie cut down £50, and Sir Charles Bluenose, and old Mr. Squaretoes— I knowed 'em all, I did. Sum says it's the climate as don't agree with them, and sum says it's the Responsible Government. Let's see, who was the last one — it was'nt Dicky Bounce, was it ? Do you know Dicky Bounce, small, stout man with grey hair, as used to come down to the Colonial Office in an omnibus along with his lunch ? But there, anyhow it's worth five shil- lings, which is the lowest we expect for a job of this kind." With my heart beating against my ribs at this singular speech, which, sounded prophetic of some great event, I took the letter,, and breaking the seal, proceeded to read as follows:-^ -.ji ^"* - i . - Downing Street, 3rd August, 184 — . ' if SiB^**^I have the honor of informing you that Her JMajesty has been pleased to confer on you the appoint- 10 ROW I CAME It) BE I memof Governor of Cacona Wand, and that you a«, «. sssr^rn.rnf""'"'"-^"— Your obedient servant, Francis Thistleton, Esq., Rwsell. Banister-at-Law. •P^k'^^d'^',!!?"^'^"::'''"' ' "'^"'» extmordinaiy «p» le, and before I had got to the la.t syllable I wm p»».nd blighted «nuCL:.tZ"l7Ji ^ features. TTiat was my nose sure enough, and there w» Ae soar on the cheek which Pinkerton had given TT ^ fist pitched battle at CoUege. , ^^"^.^Z •treet j there was old BeUows, the special pleader im. tT^hT"" "'?•"• '"^'"« "*« door of that fe.^1^ Tsr rte t"!?^ "*'"? ' «"">■'«««"' drab who was cleT "^mv^tr.H """ "'*• ""^ struck my attent^ was my fiK„d the messenger, who had seated himsetf «. the steps, and was engaged in as«,rtiBg a nnmSTrf 1 «e«S -companying the inspection with'a flyi.^^i„^ OhfhV,r[^' ?™''' Secretary's Office, Mauritius.' c»J^h ""''."''• ^'at^ke kto! where'sthe hj*. c»wn he was to give me for canyinghi, hat-box dowlto 4e steamer! No. 2._'Hon.Mr. Peteis, Ceylon'-PeW Foreign Oifioe «, often to see Palmerston. Oh, Moses • They «^d she was his cousin l-w-h^-w ! No. a^-'I^V 1 f^ '' .^""•r''' ' '"""• O"' ■* = he's a na^' e^ ^^t ■"k'^-'^ «""•"«• •' ' knows him weU enough. WeU, h« papa's made him comfortable, any. GOTEBNOB 01^ OAOONl. m how. No. 4. — * Gibby Bakefield, Esq., New Zealand ;' ob, he^s got out there, has he ! That*8 him as stole the babby, and went to the Penitentiary : Lord now, only to think of it ! No. 6, — * Patrick Bullyman, Esq., Cacona Island * — why, where the devil's that ? I never heard of that place before. It ain't Hong Kong, is it, or one of the Leewards ? Perhaps its something the Taricish ambas- sador has made the Queen a present of. Caoona ! — that's a queer name, that is. Caco >." —That was my government! — the very place men- tioned in the Secretary's letter. I, Frederick Thistleton, Esquire, was Governor of Cacona ! Leaving the messenger to resolve his doubts as he best could, I rushed back to the apartment, where I found Pinkerton, who turned very pale at my abrupt appearance, and enquired with much agitation ** what in heaven was the matter?" '* Matter, oM fellow ! look here, read this ; it's come at last ; there's no mistake about it, Tom ; I'm Gover> nor of the Cacona Island, Tom ; magnificent depen- dency, with four thousand a year ;" and I cut a variety of extraordinary capers in the air. " Cacona Island !" stammered Pinkerton ; (who was evidently under the impression that pecuniary troubles had turned my brain) — " what do you mean ; where's that?" ** Where is it ! Who knows, who cares ; I'm Governor ; that's all, Tom ; and you, yes, I appoint you my Private Secretary, by jingo." ** Well, I know;ed it was something of that sort," said tiie messenger, who had followed me into the room : " t knowed it was something i^bout the Colonies from ilm way the Secietaiy dotted his fa. That job's worth a 90vereign, anyhow, Yoor Excellency," and he stretched fiMrth bis hand with a mock air of humility .and tupplica- tian. 13 HOW I OAIJB TO BB Jllf T- ^"^"^oy '" " ''"^ the first time tl.e words had f^™ u 'H "^ *'"• ""'■ ' ■"«* •'«' ^^0^'*^ of C«BSU,, onTTa Jr '~""''* ^'° "" '"P- ^' "was, I had Up of my t^r^""' ""' ' "'''<' ";"' "^ "^ "" '-" JIJ^" "7'" "l^ '"'•' 'ookihg a little blank-" it U a«o„,sh.„g how cleaned out all your new Governor, i.. ^ere was Colonel Pi^onfoot and Lord Biakennose, and Sfc Mnffenman, all fiist-rate appointments, as had to bfflTOw money from me to drink their own healths. Fve tort money by Newfonhdiand twice, and wonld have re- B^mat™^ '^' ""'' ^'" " ""'""S of Coast Castle and iZ^^,K ""^^ ""■"* ' ™ ^"'^ your Excellency iH«, to dnnk health and success to the appointment." van^^^edL * ""'' '"l^ '"^'^' *•= °" S"""!*""-- I W /..,"'""""'' *""' ^-y »oon re-appeared with « No J » '"^/':'^ '^™'=«"' »'«'^'»8 ™ "» '»»d- "Hew "^'i ''^' P°™"S °"« « f"l' 8'a»s to eaoh- JBerea your Excellency's health, which is a venrL- pprt«.t thing tf ,he climate don't happen to be 1^ L^wiH T^"''."*" ""' *"?'•='' yo" Excellency's hverwil suffer, and if it's a cold cUmate, like New Brunswick or Canedy, you'll find i, hard wok for yoJJ. ^mper. But .he^'s one or two things as I advi'^s y^ of a Colo"; /■,''T"^''^'^S™''e to be Gove^or Aev-U ^„/ r'^' **"" • """^ ""^ of *'«' despatches 7g1 T '^"•"' *"" <»«?""»«'"• I never knowed fte r^bt end of the horn. They are pretty practice for Ae ckAs .„ d,. office, as the Hon. Mrl^Ma^Blaise l^ cX^! I ""r^^ " """^ *«y don't agree with the Co lomal constitation: Secondly, look out rtatyou don't tet ttmgs go on quiet too long ; the more mws yon have, ^tetter they will think of you at home, and the moS m.«jhief you does, the better chance of a Peerage. A, !!ir QOTEBNOS OF CACORA. ii soon as the opposition begins to abuse you, the ministry comes to your aid, and your fortin is made. It's human obstinacy and perverseness which regulates these things, and that's what it is rules in Downing-street." I thanked the speaker for his information, and between us, we very soon drained the jug of its contents. The messenger then prepared to take his departure. "Your Excellency," said he, casting down his eye^ with an air of affected humility,— " Your Excellency will probably hear from our department again afore lonjg. They're fond of writing, they are, as your Excellency will find out when you gets but to Cacona. But never mind ; don't be alarmed; you knows my knock now : How- sumdever, you'd better keep yourself ready for a start, for they're getting so awful sharp since Cobden's got at *em, that there ain't time to say * Jack Robinson' after a Governor's got his instructions afore he has to be moting." ?■' And with these remarks, and a rather peculiar wink of th^ eye, the bearer of the extraoidinaiy news took his departure. -*► ^»i u ■ow I oAici to n CHAPTER II. S soon as Pinkeiton and my- self had somewhat recovered from the surprise into which the unexpected intelligence had thrown us, we began to enquire whereabouts my new Govern- ment could be. "Cacona," said ?,, who prided himself upon his know- ledge of geography, « I rather think that*s one of the Ionian Islands. I recollect reading about a great pestilence there, which swept off nine-tenths of the people. If it is, it will be a capital place to try the Respirator at.»' " It's a pity we havn't got an atlas," — ' observed, taking no notice of Pin- kerton's last remark, which indeed struck me as very absurd. « It looks strange to be appointed to a Govern- ment, and not know where it is. Don't you think you could borrow one—perhaps Muffin"-— "Muffin!" exclaimed Pinkerton, taking up the idea • « yes, of course, it is veiy likely. I heard him say once he had got an uncle in the East Indies, so of course he must have an atlas. I'll run up and ask him." So off he went up to Muffin's room, which was on the top story, and in a few seconds after I heard him thundering at the door, as though he was summoning GOTEBXOK OF CAOOHA. 15 a garrison. I . , -isntly down he came, looking veiy warm and excited, but with the atlas under his arm. ** Confound the fellow," he said, " 1 believe he thought I wanted to pawn it, till I gave him a hint of the bttsi« n«8s ; but here it is, and now to find out the Island of Caoona." That was no easy matter. Acting on Pinkerton'a snggesti(Hi about the Ionian Islands, we commenced our enquiries in the Mediterranean, on the confines of Greece, but after a diligent search, were compelled to isome to the conclusion that my Government could not be there. We then proceeded to Western Africa, both of us agreeing that Cacona had something A^ican in the fldund, and that it might just as w^ell be there as any where else. It was not there, however, and therefore we sailed on round the Cape, till we came to Asia, where we fell satisfied we should find it, either on the mainland or tacfced on conveniently to some of our Indian dependen- cies. To our disappointment, however, Cacona still re- mained a mystery, notwithstanding that Pinkerton in^ sisted that several places (and particularly one of the New Zealand group) must be intended for the object of our search. >^ " Well, that's odd," I observed, after more than an hour had been spent in wandering up and down Europe, Asia^ Afirica, and America. " Very odd, indeed," echoed Pinkerton, looking quite Uank at the suspicion of losing his Secretaryship. " They can*t have changed the name, can they ?" ** Or spelt it with a K instead of a C," suggested Pin- kerton ; " you know we only looked after the Cs." " That's a good idea Pinkerton ;" and we immediately began to run over the atlas again, but with no better luck than before. '* Suppose some one has hoaxed us," said my com- panion at length, in a very solemn tone of voice. i i I 4 ; 19 HOW I GAME TO BK I "Hopxed ns! Now, Pinkerton, how can you bo so absurd ; really one would suppose you were a fool. Isn't this the letter of the Colonial Secretary ? Don»t I know the handwriting as well as my own ? (that was a boun- ce^ Is»nt that his twist to the C ? Then what is there more likely than that the Ministry should fix upon me, after my pamphlet on " Colonies and Colonization." Did'nt the Morning Chronicle hint at someth..ig of the kind at the time when it noticed the work? As to not finding Cacona, who ever expected to find Cacona in such % wretched atlas as this? Not I, I am sure ; why, look at its date! 1826. Ha, ha, ha!" and I tried to get up a laugh ; « why, my dear Pinkerton, half our Colonial Em- pire has been acquired since that time ; Hong-Kong and the Cannibal Islands— ha-ha-ha ; hoaxed indeed! |J should like to see the man who could hoax me !" ,( r»,» Notwithstanding this speech, however, I must confess that by this Ume I began lo be pretty much of Pinkerton»» opinion, and inwardly rejoiced that I had not had £5 to give to the messenger, whom I now looked upon as nothing more nor less than a swindler. « . « Well my dear Thistleton, excuse me," said Pinker- ton humbly— « Pm sure I did'nt mean to vex yea: only as we have looked over the atlas without finding Cacona I thought that perhaps Joseph Ady — "• ,' What effect this dreaded name might have had upon me at that moment, it is impossible to say, since just then our joint attention was once more called off bv another sharp pull at the bell. *' ♦'Higgins!" shouted Pinkerton, throwing down the aUas, and disappearing in the gloom of the adjoiainjf room> .[The name of Higgius acted like a sedative on my ex- iJ S'fr'^" illustrious genaeman, lately deceased, rather fiuned for send- S^Jf?^ Fomismg to reveal "someihiug very important" (very () to^ SSSfi ktSt^^jJ^f ««•« • monument «ll be eUA hi •^t tf> H« of the ULtmost jimportsMtce that Hia Exodh lenqy shouia a A delay his departure l yond that peraodL A^ng oa this necegsity, His Excellency's Commi»aio» will be forwarded to Somharapton this evenings acconD. paniedby such general instructions as Her Mnjesty^a CSDyernment may deem necessary. M the same tiine« the Colonial Secretary desires to have it diistilictly under*^ stood, that the Government will rely to a great extent osi Mill Bxcellency»s own judgment to conduct the affairs of the Colony^ in accordance with the able riewslaid down itt the pancjjphlfil on " Colonies and Colonization;'' RUSSBLL. To His Excellency the Governor of Cacona. "Down train for Southampton at five- o'clock^" mut* mured the Colonial Office messenger^ who sat with bisi eyeaclosed, nodding in the chair before me— « fivoo'clock; —five o^clock." "What's that you say^ old fellow," h shouted, seizing him by the collar; "down train to Sbuthampton at fiwu Q!c^k» why what time it itnpwi?'* .-*»HalJoo! why what V the row?^ asked, theoffioiali miag amt sfeaWng^ himself slowly : " are^ the niggam rio? What's the time? look here," and he pulled ou« a large silver watch—" if the horse Gu^id^is any autho- rity, itreao'tibeinaorethanlO rainulefr toi3;"' " Ten minut«s^to three ! why: it's impossible; . i!ll) go) down and see the Colonial Secretary himself and ex- plain"— *vili«in\lji*i.3 * -lyim^-tm t^jlittk) Jofanii|c toidfty/' GoViB^bB 6* cAc^A'f. tmie< '^• iP cHlWed iriiriy bhid t6iied icqukiritan'c^ : « h'^^ t'o'^ ^ tb-Caboria^tiibtit a'faHHlflJi ofiiibM^^ ir tlW Cbldhikl ^iict^iarSr h'ad^befed in t^^h, we mi^f have got him to advance £600 from' the Treasiiry ; but as" it i», there(*s'nb'biifA-iib one it^ali; tHkt Ikriow oft'i ";Higgtb^;»^siig^sti5d I^ibk^^rtbi- ^O^^ hUn^'i^, nb': yb'u^ai^ al'Ways so Hiilud^^iii yo^^ ini^toritfL::iftg'g,m absA^'!^*' ■ / "your Vl!^!^^ !''i'' """f I ^'f "^°^^«' ^P *he dl^i;tidh' wiiferi' iStl^ dht^^ '^ ^^ad'sittli^g, apiikiteiitly dbsibg .K *' '^.^ ^ really I e^iliio^r tiSV^ thfliif' there TJl^otfWbriahy^rfiprHbrlfety'iri^^iWff't IJritAikfs^ak^ fO HOW I CAME TO BE if' Big with tbia decision, I broke up the conference, and returned to the room where the Dowriing-street function- ary was waiting. The old gentleman was seated on the chair where I had left him, apparently in a state of happy oblivion. His rich double chin rested on his breast, and his breathing was full and regular, like the blast of a steam engine. There was, however, a convulsive twitching at the corner of his eyes, which made me doubt whether the sleeper was quite so unconscious as he looked. I had to give him several shakes before I could arouse hini. When, at lengl h, he sondescended to open his eyes> he gave two or three terrific yawns, and then inquired in a half-sleepy tone, — " Well, your Excellency, have you done that little job with your bankers ?" " No," said I, " No, that»s just what I was going to speak to you about. The fact is, my account at Smiths* is a little overdrawn, and I am afraid there wouldn't be time between this and five o'clock to arrange matters as I desire. The consequence is, I shall have to seek the assistance of some friend to advance me, say £200, just to pay expenses to Cacona. Of course, I shall give a handsome bonus, with seciurity on my first quarter's salary for the payment." " Ah," said he, affecting not to understand me, " that's a very good plan ; but you had better make haste and see your friend, for there ain't much time to be lost — Look here"--and he pulled out the big watch again^ " five minutes past three, by the Horse Guards, nothing more and no less." I was very much disconcerted by the man's apparent stupidity — but the money had to be got — so I at once told him I should feel obliged if he would lend me the amount, offering him his own terms for re-payment. At first, he appe.ared to be veiy much surprised that I should suppose that he had £200, but when I reminded QOTEBNOB OP CACONA. 21 him of his long official connexion, and the familiar inter- course he had held with innumerable Governors, he melted down, and at last admitted, that if he was quite sure everything was right, he thought he might be able to oblige me to the extent of a £100, or so. " It's a hard case for a young gentleman," he observed, "to have a Colony ready made for him, and not to bu able to take possession for want of the rhino." He re- collected, too, that when the Hon. Mr. Mouser went to Jamaica, he was just in a similar plight, and that he ad- vanced him a small sum — he couldn't exactly say how much, but he knew it wasn't more than £60— to get him a cocked hat and feathers. Then there was Sir Lucius Malloy, the Irish Captain, who was Governor of Sierra Leone, and who died of the yellow fever, as they said, though others thought it was a severe course of brandy and water— hadn't he lent him £16 10s., on the faith of his word and a watch, both of which turned out to be pinchbeck? Indeed, baring the Indian department, which was generally filled by top sawyers, who had got some stray cash of their own, there wer'n't many Colo- nial Governors who hadn't been on his books at some time or other ; and such being the case, he didn't see why he shouldn't strain a point to do something for such a nice young gentleman as I was. " It is now," he said, " exactly | past 3, — it'll take me ten minutes to negotiate your Excellency's loan with my friend Mr. Rothschild, and in five minutes more I'll be back. In the meantime, I advise your Excellency to begin packing up the family jewels and plate, for we ain't got a moment to lose if we mean to sail for Cacona to-night." "Oh yes," I replied, with a faint smiley (for I sus- pected the fellow was poking fun at me,) " I'll look after that : but you must make it £200, for my friend is going out with me as Private Secretary, and it wouldn't do to run short of cash." it -SI f ,J m W,GW I GA^E TO J^ ! 'I:! f*lVell," h,e ^a^d, looking yiejy graye— « jt?s a greaH m^ ; ^^00 i?ett is ^ higji av^fage /or a Colonial ^.,.. ]?yith ^SiQ, l???,t thpn ^ey were old sfagejrs, aii4 had firien<|s in tracje as could give 'enj a ^ft. Put PU try wbat I can do, for ^ooaehp^ oy ot^eF I'Ve taken a fancy to your JExcell^ncy, m Recount pf that be^p^ful bppk w|iich you wrote, and Wjjich Lord Mn has pr^ered Jh^ jnnior clerjcs to bind BP in velvet, alpng with his jlp^hip?^ Colonial Des- patches; And you've got a Secyetaiy tpp, which is all right moxigh; but what ve ypn going to do for a * gwe^t ? ? Gpyejrnpr and Secretary, an4 Swpet, you know, all th^ wwld Qyer !?? " A ^wm I?? I J?pea>ed, ^^ \j?hat?8 that ??? " Whaf 3 a Sweet » Oh Mos^s ! But leaye that to m^, ypw E^pejl^nqy: lUl get ypu a Sweet. l.et'a see; pevent^en minut.es past 8 ; at haJf-pa^^ Jphn W<]ife will \m bftck, and tben^virra for the C^cpna Island 17 Np sQPni^r had he turned his back, after delivering him- self of thk last gppecfi, than Finkprtpn and I set to wprfc m hwd as wq could to pack up pur luggage. Thi* W^s np yery difficult task, inasmuch as it consisted solely of a sprofiwhat scanty supply of clothing, and occupied SP little space ^ to giye my Secretary and myself pon- siderablp UJneasiness. ** Hpw closely clothes do pack in,?? observed Pinker- tpn, Ippking with dismay on a half-filled portmanteau, which contained the \^rhole of his worldly effects.—^' lt^» pite ridiculous, isn*t it ?" *.10h never mind," I replied, "we can say that we have left the principal part of our baggage be- hind U9. Bm jjrhat shall we do yith the old carpet ** Put some newspapers into them ; they^l do to read by the way," suggested my ingenious Secretary. " Where are the two hat boxes ?" GOYfiRNOR OF CAOONiA. *^ Hat boxes ! Oh the boy got the last Idt of coals in one of ihem, and the bottomed out of the other." " That's unfortunate ; we Ought to hav6 hat box(3S. But there's something forgotten now ; where are all yotir theatrical dresses ? Why should we leave them behind ? They'll do to fill up the space, and beisidds I tnay Make up my mind to patronise private theatricals on th^ Island." Pinkerton highly approved of this idea, and immedi- ately produced a considerable quantity of the costumes referred to, which he had acquired as a membeir c^ a private theatrical eiub^ where his histrionic effortd had procured him considerable celebrity. Amongst them were a couple of Spanish tunics, a banditt's dress, sup- posed to be worn by Alexis Masseroni ; a complete Highland suit^ several pairs of stage bootSj and a v£iriety ci other articles connected, with the apparel of diffeiTent illustlfious characters. " Look hei?e," observed Pinker- ton, putting on a melancholy looking hat, with a large dirty white feather drooping from it — " Would'nt that be rather a stylish thing to open dur firsit Patliamient with?" Just as we had finished packing up the things, Mr. Wolfe returned, accompanied by a big^ ugly looking lout of some 18 or 19 years of age, whom he at once intro- duced as " His Excellency's Sweet." " My Sweet !" " Of course : it would never do fo!" your Excelleney to go to Cacona without a Sweet." " But Tve got a Secretary ajready ; this gentleman, (pointing to Pinkerton,) proceeds to Cacona as my Se- ofetajry." " Of course, he does,'* returned Mr. Wolfe doggedly, ** of course he does j and ray young friend here goes as your Excellency's Sweet : Secretary and Sweet,— that's JKSt as it should be, and that's how it'll appea* in the I u HOW I CAME TO BE i u fmu newspaper—* His Excellency the Governor of Cacona, his Secretary and Sweet ;' " and so saying, he gave the ugly cub who accompanied him a poke in the ribs, which produced from that gentleman a sound something between a howl and a grunt. " Well, Mr. Wolfe," said I, putting as good a face on the matter as I could, "if the young gentleman thinks the appointment will suit him, I'll take him, though I wish you to understand that the amount of remuner- ation " " Oh, I've settled all that, your Excellency ; every thing is satisfactorily arranged, and now all we've got to do is to be off to take possession of our Government as quick as we can, for there ain't a moment to lose." I saw there was no use trying to resist, so I allowed the Colonial office representative to take his own way, which he did so effectually, that before I got possession of the £200, and paid the first year's salary of the " Sweet," (a point Mr. Wolfe positively insisted on,) I had anticipated the first three months of my income. Yet to believe Mr. Wolfe, I was the most favored man in crea- tion. " I never made such silly terms in all my life," said that gentleman, as he put several .written acknow- ledgements and receipts into his pocket-book — " the fact is, I'm getting more sillier and sillier every day, and if I don't get out of the department, the end of it'll be as I shall die in a workhouse. But it's no use to talk about that ; for there's only just time to get to the railroad. Catch hold of that carpet bag, your Excellency, and the Sweet and the Secretaigr can carry the rest of the bag- gage. Take care. Sweet, you don't break your back, and keep a sharp look out that no one runs away with his Excellency's plate ? Now, is that all right ? Here, cab- man, open the door : His Excellency and I will ride in- side, and Sweet and the Secretary can ran and let the railroad know we are coming. There, go-a-head, Sweet, mummti^'— GOTEBNOB OF CACONA. fl» and if the train should be off, you can stop it, and pre- sent my compliments to the directors, and say that * His Excellency the Governor of the Cacona Island will be there in a minute !' " As Mr. Wolfe directed, so it was, and in a short time we had reached the terminus of the railroad, where we found Pinkerton and the " Sweet*' dreadfully blown ^nd exhausted. " Just half a moment to spare," exclaimed Mr. WoJfe, looking at his watch, and bustling up to the ticket office " Here, Master, three first classes for His Excellency the Governor of the Cocona Island, his Secretary and Sweet. And you, sir, (this was addressed to a porter,) look after His Excellency's luggage ; there it is— two trunks and a carpet bag. And now, your Excellency, jump in if you please, there ain't a moment to spare. Oh, thunder ! there you are off! Good bye, your Excellency; good bye, Mr. Secretary ; write as soon as you can : — Despatches, you know, on Her Majesty's service from the Governor of the " The sentence was cut short by the increased motion of the train, which was now thundering along with growing velocity. Incomplete as it was, it brought back to my recollection the fact, that I was still ignorant of the situa- tion of the Cacona Island, and for a few seconds I felt vexed and angry with myself for not having made more parti- cular inquiries. It was, however, too late to think of that now, so I comforted myself with the reflection that after all, it could make no very great difference in the end. Throwing myself back, therefore, in the well cushioned car, I resigned myself to the influence of the thoughts which came pressing on my mind, and which were all directed towards the unknown Government so strangely placed at my disposal. 1 ' [ 'ill 28 BOW I CIMB TO SB iM i CHAPTER ni. Hie voyage out, and how I arrived at length at the laland of Gaoona. E arrived at Southampton ^just in time to hurry on board the steamer, and before I had time fairly to comprehend all that had taken place since the morning, were rushing down the channel as fast as steam and wind 'could take us. There appeared to be only some half-dozen persons on board besides ourselves, and for an hour or two we remained without any one coming near us. At the end of that time, a little stout man, with a very red face, hurried down into the cabin, and after enquiring whether I was not the Honorable Mr. Thistleton, introduced himself as the Captain. " Got your Excellency*s telegraph this afternoon,*' he said, " and hope you'll find everything comfortable on board. Her Ladyship, I suppose, has determined not to eomq." <* Her Ladyship !** I repeated. " Yes, I supposed that that was what was meant by the message,'* and he handed me a note marked Tele- graph Office, on which I read the following words : — ♦* Keep births for the Governor of Cacona, Secretary, and 8w«€t." " Oh,** I observed, detecting in this the handy-work of Mr. Wolfe, " that has been a mistake of my senraot ; I am not married, and the word should have been written suite.'' GO¥BBMOS or CAOONA. it The Captain laughed heartily at the mistake. " Well,*' he said, ** I'm glad of that, for Cacona is not exactly the place for a lady.*' ^^ How»s th&t ?" 1 asked. " Oh," said he carelessly, ** they're rather a rough set : that's qU." " Did you ever live there ?" I enquired. .**No," he answered, "I was never on the Island in my life," and then, peeing my astonishment, he added, "you know we only touch there, and as the coast is latlier a dangerous one, any letters or passengers we have are landed in boats : but I have heard a good deal about the place fyom my mate, who lived there some time. By the by, that was a queer trick they played the last Gover- uor, was'nt it ? — but— excuse me, your Excellency, Pra wanted on deck,»' and he hurried off, leaving me in a state of no little cuiiosity respecting the subject of his con- versation. Towards night, it came on to blow hard, and for the next seven or eight days we had a continuance of bad weather. The consequence was that Pinkerton and my-, self were horribly sea-sick, and saw very little of the Captain, (who was busy looking after the vessel,) oi, in- deed, of any one else. On the ninth day, the weather had abated a little, and I managed to crawl up on deck, where I found the Cap- tain, standing near the man at the wheel. As soon as he saw me, he came up and shook hands : " Well,»' he gaid, ^* I suppose your Excellency is pretty well tired of this work : was there ever such cursed weather ? I have not had my clothes off since we left Southampton ; but I hope there is pretty nearly an end of it now, and if the fog does'nt eome on again, we^U be able to give you a sight of Cacona before night-fall." ♦* What," I said, « are we so near as that ?'* " Yes," he replied, pointing with his finger, « it ought '11 28 HOW I CAME TO BB li: to be over the bow there, and if we stand on this course for six hours longer, we shall have a chance of getting too intimate with it. It is a nasty kind of a cus- tomer to come in contact with on a dark night, is Cacona. Tve told the steward to get up your Excellency's bag- gage : and mate (raising his voice to a sea-shout) is the boat all ready ?» " Ay, ay, sir," replied a tall and decidedly ugly-look- ing man, who was standing a few paces forward, giving directions to some of the crew. " Is that the person you mentioned to me as having lived on the Island?" I asked. ,,^, " Yes, your Excellency, that's he : would you like to speak to him. Here, Mr but what are they at below that they don't give us more steam ? Excuse me, your Excellency, I must go forward and see to the men," and he hurried away, and I saw no more of him for a time. The intelligence that we were so near Cacona had, as might be expected, put me in a considerable flutter, and very much increased my desire to learn something res- pecting it. With this feeling, I watched with consider- able interest the movements of the mate, and as soon as an opportunity offered, made an attempt to engage him in conversation. Soon after the Captain left the quarter-deck, he moved up to near where I was standing, and I commenced by asking him how long he thought it would be before we got in sight of Cacona. tr" Cacona," he said, shaking the wet from his jacket, after the fashion of a Newfoundland dog—" Oh wc wonH ^ long, I guess, rit-tit-too-too-too-ee !" ..„ I heard afterwards that this " rit-tit-too-too-too-ed"^ was a kind of chorus he had got in the habit of placing at the end of his sentences, so that he was generally known as «rit-tit-too-too-too-ee Baker,"— Baker being his family designation. GOYERNOB OF OACONA. " You lived on the island some time, I am told." " Oh yes, I lived there — rit-lit-too-too-too-ee." " Pleasant place for a residence ?" I asked. " Cacona a pleasant place for a residence ! rit-tit-too- too-too-ee !" and he looked at me, with his mout'i open, as though he could have swallowed me. "Why yes," I said, nervously, for I began to be alarmed at all this mystery — " I mean the people — the inhabitants." " Oh, ah, yes— the people certingly, rit-tit-too-too-too- ee ! There's Suckers and there's Bull-frogs — you've heard of the Suckers and Bull-frogs, ain't you.? — rit-tit- too-too-too-ee !" , " No," I replied, " I have not— the fact is, I left England in a hurry, and," — " Oh, you're the new Governor, aint you ?" he inquired^ looking at me with evident interest. I nodded assent. " Then you've heard talk of Mr. Bullyman, ain't you ?" "No." "Nor Mr. Shanks?" "No." ,« Nor Mr. Fester?" "No." " Rit-tit-too-too-too-ee I Well you've read about the Governor as we took home the last voyage ?" " Read what ? What do you mean ?" " Why, about his losing his but what are they at with that boat? Halloo! for'ard there — rit-tit-too-too- too-ee! Confound my grandmother's, sister's, aunt's, cauliflowers !" — and so, swearing and cursing at a terri- ble rate, Mr. Baker moved off, leaving me in even greater doubt and perplexity than before. + Just at this moment, too, another heavy squall came on, and I had to go down below, where I found Pin- kerton, who was not less astonished than myself at r 1 1 1^ -'41 now J oAuk w m Wrnirig that w^ were so n^ the erid of om- Voyage. Whilst I was trying to give him an idea of the oohver- sation I had had with the mate, the Captain made his rSr""^' *° announce that we wem just in ^ight of tlie "The weather is so bad," he said, "that w<. ihalt not be able to stand very close in, bat I am gettiti^ a salute prepared, to let them know your Exeeli6hby»* coming, and if you've no objection," he added, «th RTUd- ^j.tlie last Governor, ish^BiidtO'haiveddtte." The toa^ being drunk, I rattrhed thanks' in a' ^hoi¥ sFfeeeb in which I T^afe prepariHg to citim frorti ttty piaropblet on" Golonie^and Colonization," the princibl/^ which I. mtended'should guide ntfriitt.myadministratidtf,^ when I was interrupted bf thfec&jifain^^Wo said thttt the boat was ready, attd'that there v^as only just tiijife^o g^ ashore betforwdatk. Oi^^tting. Oh ^t^j T*v fdftftld m NA. CHAPTER IV. lly arrival on the Island of Oact>n», and what happened io me when I got there. '&^ the time the men had got our bag- gage ashore, it was nearly dark, and it was with feelings I should ill at- tempt to describe, that I saw the boat push off. I believe Pinkerton was as much affected as myself, and as for Mr. Wolfe's juvenile friend, he roared outright. The spot where we had landed, was a point of land running out some distance into the sea, and bore, as I afterwards learnt, the not inappropriate name of Mud Harbour Creek, there being a creek or inlet on the other side, where a few fishermen earned a precarious subsistence. As fai* as we could see, however, there were no signs of I habitations, nor was there a solitary soul to welcome us. It was certainly a very singular position for a new Governor to be placed in, and I don't deny that I felt it. What added to our inconvenience was, that it had begun to rain, and as a consequence, the mud by which we were surrounded soon became so soft that it was impos- sible to advance a single step without danger of falling. Night too was coming on, and as its dark shadows fell thicker and thicker, my spirits and those of my com- panions fell with them. Seated upon our scanty baggage, we abandoned ourselves (at least, I know I did) to bitter reflexions, only interrupted by the horrible groans of Mr. c I » I S4 HOW I CAME TO BE I- , Wolfe's protege, as he found himself growing more damp and uncomfortable. About an hour had passed in this way, when all of a sudden our attention was attracted by something like the rumblincr of a vehicle at a distance, followed ere long by the sounds of human voices. Presently a light made its appearance, apparently borne along by some one ap- preaching the spot where we sat. As it oame neai, the bearer set up a shout, to which we replied at the top of our voices. Then came the question—** Are you the Governor ?" The answer retumed appeared to be satisfactoiy, for immediately afterwards we heard the same voice cry out to some one elJse to " come along quickly, as they (Tpaeaning us) were somewhere dawn in the Creek." This annottneeraent was sncceeded by a great pattering of footsteps, and we could follow the efforts of sev«ial per- OOTBBNOB OF CAOOVA. t86 tsons making their way throngh the darkness tind mud in the direction where we had landed. " Halloo ! where the devil are you ?" said at length a voice close at my elbow. « Here." *« D — n it, how dark it is ! Which is the Governor ?" " Here he is : I'm the Governor." " You're the Governor ! Hurra boys : I've got him : here he is ; here's the Governor ; three cheers for the Governor !" and I felt some one clutch me firmly by the collar of the coat. Before I could recover fifom the surprise this singular reception had occasioned, two other persons came up, one of whom carried a lanthorn. " God bless my soiil," said this parlyj holding up the light, and taking an inspection of us, as we sat shivering on our baggage, " how wet you are ; but never mind, we'll soon make that all right. Here, Jem, you look after the Governoi^s baggage, while I help him up into the carriage. Now, your Excellency, just put your legs over my neck ; that's the way we manage at Cacona. Baggs, you carry thie Governcr's friend. Don't be afraid, sir, we're rough, but ^ve're ready. When tiie people of Jericho hear to-morroW that you've been on Patrick Bul^lyman's shoulders, it '11 be a feathef in your cap— 'k will, by thunder ! — It will have an ejflfect !" Not exactly seeing any other way of getting out of Mud Harbour Creek, I did as I was directed, and mount- ing pick'a-back on the shoulders of the new comer, alter a good deal of plunging and splashing, was finally land< ed in safety at some distance above thei spot we had started from. Here I found a one-horse vehicle^ which I was informed bad conveyed my accommodatii^ friend and his companions to ouar assistance. Into this vehicle Pinkerton (who had by this lime arrived on the sfaoidders of Mr. Ba^s) and m^ieU mounted, our new acquaiutr P 1 36 HOW I CAME TO BB III r ance, Mr. Bullyman, (as he called himself) undertaking to be driver. "We'll have to sit pretty elose, Governor," said that gentleman, squeezing himself in between us, " but never mind, we'll soon be there, and it's better than walking." As to the lad and the baggage, his friends, he said, would take care of them. As we went along, Mr. Bullyman informed us that there would be a good many people to meet us at An- tioch, which was the name of the town we were going to. " We've been looking out for you for the last two or three days," he said, " and knew who it was when we heard the gun fired." " The Bullfrogs," he added, rub- bing his hands with much glee, " had gone off in another direction, but he had pitched upon Mud Harbour Creek, thinking it most likely we should land there, from the state of the weather." It was raining hard, and the road was wretchedly bad, so that we got on very slowly. Both Pinkerton and myself too were in a miserable plight, covered with mud and soaked to the skin. In this way, we had proceeded some three or four miles, when all of a sudden Mr. Bul- lyman pulled up his steed, observing that " he believed that was them coming." "Don't you hear a noise like a bellows? That's Shinty's old mare. Halloo, boys, is that you ? Here we are — here's the Governor. We've got him ! Three cheers for the Governor !" Sure enough, this speech was followed by a faint cheer. Then we could hear the voices of several persons talking together, and finally I became aware that some one was standing at the side of the vehicle. " Is that you. Shinty ?" asked Mr. Bullyman. " Yes ; Where's the Governor ?" "Here he is, on my knee. Give me the address. Your Excellency, this is the address of the corporation GOVERNOR OP CAOONA. 37 and burgesses of the town of Antioch : *tis too dark to read it now, but they congratulate your Excellency on your arrival at Cacona. Hurra boys ! three cheers for the constitutional Governor ; three cheers for Governor — what's your Excellency's name ?" " Thistleton." " Three cheers for the Hon. Mr.Thistleton, hurra ! hurral" " What shall I «ay in reply ?" I asked, when the noise of the half dozen voices had subsided. " Say ; oh wait a minute ! I've looked out for all that. Here, Shinty," and he pulled a paper out of his pocket and presented it to the last comer; " here's His Excellency's answer to the loyal address of the people of Antioch. You'd better get it into the Scorpion to-morrow. Shinty ; Thunder, it'll have an effect !" This part of the business being concluded, Mr. Bully- man next proposed that we should take Mr. Shinty into our vehicle ; — ^*' he's the Mayor," he observed, " and it'll have an effect." " But I'm afraid it's impossible," suggested Pinkerton, who was already nearly squeezed into a jelly. " Oh, not at all : here. Shinty, get into this gentleman's lap : not tliere — those are His Excellency's legs. Now boys, move on ; the Governor's coming : hurra, hurra ! We've got the Governor ; hurra !" Accordingly, the vehicle was again put in motion, there as Mr. Bullyman informed me, not more than half a mile to go before we got to Antioch. " Is that the band ?" asked our officious friend of Mr. Shinty, as a strange unearthly sound came borne upon the wind. " Yes, all except the trumpet : Smith could'nt come : he's got the asthma." " Any illumination ?" " They talked of putting up Mr. Pipp's transparency,'* iiaid Mr. Shinty. being, 38 HOW I OAMB TO m m 1 [ i!|ji! 1 ' V:i)i 1. 1: 1, . " Oh d— .d that transpareocy," observed Mr. Bullyinan sharply ; " Daniel O'Connell ain't appropriate now i why don't they consult the committee before they take any important step oi that kind !" Some other remarks were made by Mr. Bullyman, in- dicative of dissatisfaction at certain arrangements ; and so time passed on, wntil I became aware, from the lights scattered heie and there, that we were approaching human habitations. " That's Antioch," observed Mr. Bullyman, nodding in the direction of the half-dozen lights. " It's a pretty sight, ain't it ? Pipp's transparency is over there, to the left. We ean't see it from here, but if yonr Excellency likes, we -will inspect it in the morning." " Do we proceed any further to-night ?" I asked. " Oh, no : this is enough for one night's work. I ex- pect the citi^ns will be out to receive its^ We axe jnst at the hotel now, yoQi J^xc^Ueacy : a eapits^ hot§l« is'nt it Shinty ?" The vehiele by this t^me had stopped before a building, in front of which a number of persons were collected, who set up a ^out when they saw us. Dismounting in the niidst of this popular ebullition, I followed Mr. BuUynaan up a flight of steps into the house, where we found the Mr. Pipps, whose name had been before mentioned as proprietor of the famous trans- parency, with a number of his friends, including the Cor- poration of Antioch, with all of whom Mr. Bullyman seemed to be on the most intimate terms, and whom he pioeeeded to introduce to me in somethir\g like the following manner : — " Scroggins, yon vagabond, permit me — ^Your Excel- lency, this is Scroggins. There now Scrogs, don't hang down your head like a goose : shake Eiis Excellency's hand, man : that's right : do it again, old fellow ! It won't hurt you if you keep on for a twelvemonth !** GOVEBNOR OF CACONA. "Now then, Thomas; My. Thomas Sharpies, your Excellency. Put your best foot forward, Thomas, and tell His Excellency you're delighted to see him. That man, your Excellency, brews the best beer in the Island, and knows how to drink it when its brewed ! Suppose you send up a dozen or two Sharpies, for His Excellency to try !" " Mullins, permit me : my dear friend MuUins, your Excellency. Were at school together, and can answer for him with my life. How's Mary, Mullins; you must bring her up and show His Excellency the twins I" " Bowker, the pride of my heart and the flower of Kildare, — is that you ? There's a fist, your Excellency ! Now then, old soldier, give His Excellency a grip! It's as hard as a pump-handle, isn't it, your Excellency— as hard and as honest." By the time the whole company had been gone through, I was thoroughly worn out, and was delighted when Mr. Megs (the landlord) invited Pinkerton and myself into a private room which he said had been prepared for our reception. To my enquiries about our baggage, no satisfactory answer could be obtained. Mr. Wolfe, junior, had not yet made his appearance, and no one knew really when he would. Under these circumstances, Pinkerton and I borrowed each a suit from Mr. Megs, in which we soon after sat down to a wretched meal, Mr. Bullyman being of the party. In the course of the repast, this gentleman, who soon made serious inroads into a decanter of brandy, informed us that Antioch was a small town nine miles from Jericho, the capital of Cacona, where great prepara- tions were making to receive us on the morrow. He talked very eloquently about the " effect" our public entry- would make, and finally got so excited that I thought it prudent to make preparations for retiring. 40 HOW I CAME TO BE Now, d-d it, Governor," he said, on seeing me make a movement to go, <' don't be in such a hurry to be off. Its the first time we've met, and we may just as well make a night of it ! Suppose we ask Megs in, and have a game at all-fours ! What, you won»t I Well, if you will go, you must, I suppose, but just wait till I get ueip me off with my boots." TTjis ceremony being got through, Mr. Megs took a candle and proceeded to lead the way to our sleeping apartment, which consisted of a solitary room, in which were two small beds, placed side by side. These, Mr. ^//cflJn^f ' "^^'^ ^^' Pinkerton and myself; and he added, « I'll find a bed for Mr. Bullyman in the garret." On hcanng this proposal, Mr. Bullyman, who had staggered up stairs after us, flew into a terrible rage, launching a whole dictionary of epithets at Mr. Megs for daring to propose to put a gentleman of his consequence mo the garret. « If there ain't any other room," he said, J "/"f "P '^ '' J'll sleep with the Governor, I will, by thunder !— It will have an effect !" ^ To this arrangement, I positively declined to accede • and after some further discussion, the matter was com- promised, Mr. Bullyman stipulating on undressing in our apartment and posing the night on a mattress in the passage. As soon as we had got rid of him, Mr. Megs came up to know if he could do anything to render us more coniK fortable, and I took the opportunity of enquiring who our smgular companion might be. " What !" said Mr. Megs, opening his large sleepy look- ing eyes-" don't your Excellency know Mr. Bullyman ! Why he s the cleverest man ofourparty. Lord, bless my «>u ! Pat Bullyman '11 be Attorney General when the suckers get into power.'* Attorney General ! What an extraordinary announoe^ OOYERNOR OP CAOONA. 41 ment ! Could it be possible then that I had been riding into Cacona on the back of the future first law officer of the Crown! In a state of doubt and amazement, I rolled myself up in Mr. Megs' blankets, and after a time got to sleep : but all night long I had horrible dreams. I thought I wag sitting in Mud Harbour Creek, when suddenly a swarm of demons appeared. In terror, I turned to escape, but at every step I took I sunk deeper and deeper into the mire. On with triumphant shouts came my pursuers, having at their head a gigantic monster, who seemed to have assumed for that particular occasion the outward form and features of Mr. BuUyman. As they came nearer and neai^ er, I could hear them exclaim— "We've got him : hurra ! here he is : we've got the Governor !" The hand of the foremost demon was stretched out to seize me, when I made a desperate effort, and with the exertion awoke, but only to hear the words which had disturbed me in my dream, uttered more audibly than before—" hurra, boys : we've got him ! here he is ! we've got the Governor !" I started up in the bed, the perspiration dropping from my brow. Was it a dream ? As I listened, the words were repeated; and then I at last recognized the voice of Mr. BuUyman, whose sleeping couch had been placed close at the door of my apartment, and whose mind, like my own, was evidently travelling over the events of the day. Having satisfied myself of this, I again composed myself to sleep, and this time, in spite of Mr. BuUyman and a swarm of smaller inconveniences, was soon sound asleep. 42 HOW I CAME TO BE I I . ! .1- ■ iji I CHAPTER V. In which I make a royal progreaa to the Capital. T was nearly 10 o'clock the next morning before I opened my eyes, and then I was disturbed by Mr. Bully- man, who came to my bed- side, holding a newspaper in his hand — ** Look here, Governor,*' he said, " here's an account of our arrival yesterday : pretty sharp for Colonists, ain't it ?" and he handed me the damp sheet. True enough, there was an ac- y count of our arrival, and a most absurd account too I thought it. According to the Editor, my progress, from Mud Har^ bour Creek to Antioch, had been a royal progress, amidst crowds of ex- cited citizens, and the waving of innu- merable banners. What particularly struck my attention, however, was a copy of the Address presented by Mr. Shinty, the Mayor, with my answer thereto, both of which were printed at length. The official paper was rather a long affair, and contained amongst other things a distinct allusion to the political opinions of the good people of Antioch, which were declared to be Sucker to the back bone. In my reply, I was made to respond to this sentiment, and to express my steady attachment to the liberal principles of Government which it was the aim of the Sucker party to maintain. GOYSBNOR OF CAGOMA* 48 As all this was high Dutch to me, and as I had iio de- sire at that time to ally myself with any political party, I ventured to expn ?s my surprise to Mr. BuUyman that such sentiments had been put into my mouth. To this that gentleman replied by saying — that it waf all right, everything had been done for the best, and " it would have an eHeot." He then urged me to get up without delay, as there was barely time to reach Jericho by the hour fixed on for our public reception. At the same time he brought me my clothes, which had been dried, and which, on the whole, exhibited less marks of the previous day's wear and tear than might have been expected. "Here's your Excellency's boots," he said) placing those indispensable articles by the side of the bed, " and there's the blacking and brushes. If you par- ticularly desire it, I'll get Megs to do 'em, but as our ob- ject will be to maike you as popular as possible, perhaps you might prefer to do 'em yourself. It will have an ef- fect !" I, however, declined the offer, and sent Pinkerton, who was almost in a state of distraction, to see if he could find Mr. Wolfe junior. This he failed to do. However, he returned with the boots blacked, though, as he after- wards informed me, he did them himself. By the time breakfast was over, I discovered that a number of persons had collected about the hotel, and there was a considerable hubbub in the yard. Presently an open carriage drove up to the door, into which Pinker- ton and I were requested to get, Mr. BuUyman mounting up with the driver. As soon as we were seated, several other vehicles made their appearance, one of which ex^ hibited a flag, having emblazoned on one side the words " He's coming, hurra !" and on the reverse—" Suckers for ever !" This vehicle put itself at the head of the pro- cession, the rear being brought up by a small mob of horsemen and pedestrians. r- '.Sii 44 HOW I CAME TO BE !' I However, the most exhilarat- forthwith pro- In this order we proceeded for a considerable distance on our way towards Jericho, Mr. Bullyman volunteering a variety of information from the box respecting the " effect" our appearance would have in the capital, and the preparations which he expected were making there for our reception. The country through which we passed was almost a swamp, and I was beginning to get terribly weary, when suddenly on coming to a turn in the road, we found ourselves close upon a cortege of horsemen and carriages. " That's them and no mistake," exclaimed Mr. LuUy- man, on seeing the new comers — "it's rather an im- posing sight, ain't it Governor !'» I cannot say that I thought so. appearance of the strangers had a ing effect on our company, who ceedcd to shout and bellow most lustily. This demon stration produced a similar effort from the new comers, and presently we could see a number of horse- men detach themselves from the crowd, and come gal- loping at us as hard as they could. As they approached, I became aware that they carried drawn swords in their hands, and wore a sort of military uniform. " Scroggins' troop of go-at-'em-boys !" shouted Mr. Bullyman from the box, as the party came up in a cloud of dust, and after flourishing their weapons in a most formidable manner over our heads, ranged themselves on either side of the carriage. " How are you Scrogs ?" enquired Mr. Bullyman of a little red-faced man, who seemed to be the leader, and who was puffing violently from the exertion he had un- dergone — " that was a splendid manoeuvre, old fellow ;" and then turning to me— "Your Excellency, Captain Scroggins— Captain Scroggins' corpSy splendid fellows, a'int they ? What would the Iron Duke say to them ; eh ?" Before I could answer this question, the head of the QOTEEMOB Of CACONl. 40 procession had reached us, and there, seated in a melan- choly barouche, I first caught sight of three leadingSuckers whose acquaJ.rtance I had afterwards ample opportunity of cultivating : viz., the Hon. Mr. Shanks, Mr. Buster, and Mr. Fe8ter,--tlie last, the editor and proprietor of the Jericho Scorpion^ of all of whom more anon. Close behind these gentlemen, mounted on the top of a van, was the brass band of the Society of the Harmo- nious Suckers, in the last agony of « See the conquering hero comes," and stretching far away behind them again, was a crowd of vehicles and horsemen, with flags and ensigns and favors, such as quite revived my spirits, and put Pinkerton into a fever of excitement. When the last strains of the melody produced by the Harmonious Suckers had died away, the united company set up another shout, which, amongst other effects, nearly unhorsed several of Captain Scroggins' company, and caused considerable confusion. At this moment my breath was fairly taken away by the sudden apparition of my missing servant or " Sweet " young Mr. Wolfe, whom I discovered sitting veiy con- spicuously in one of the front carriages among the new arrivals, apparently enjoying himself amazingly. He had got rid of his travelling costume and his night-cap, and was magnificently attired in what I took to be a suit of the celebrated Mr. Aaron's latest fashion, having added thereto a cravat of the most resplendent colors. In this costume, and under these auspices, he sat with a cigar in his mouth, and his legs thrown carelessly out of the window, an object of general attention and admira- tion. On perceiving me, he gave a most condescending nod, and returned my look of astonishment with a leer, which, in spite of the anger I felt, [warmly participated in by Pinkerton, who intimated his intention to kick the gentleman when he got him home] made me laugh heartily. aOW I OAMC TO BK I I I I II Mr. Bullyman now proposed that I should offer th« Hon. Mr. Shanks and his two friends seats in my carriage. Accordingly those gentlemen dismounted, and amongst Ten(;wed shouts transferred themselveb into my vehicle. Shanks was a middle sized man, with a very white face and small red whiskers, and a cast in one eye that gave him an unpleasant expression. He had, however, as I afterwards learnt, tremendous influence with the Suckers And was the Joey Hume of his party : Duster had nothing tery particular about him, being, in fact, merely a kind of hanger-on of Mr. Shanks, but Fester was a coin of a different value. He was a little dark man, with the most provokingly preci^^e and freezing man* ners, so that when I touched the tops of his damp fingers I could hardly pursuade myself I had not grasped the hind-legs of a toad, and every time his sneering tones fell on my ear, 1 felt, or inoagined I felt, a cramp in my stomach. His vanity, as I soon found out, was as bound- less as his ambition, so that on the whole, Mr. Bullyman's somewhat profane description (made in oonfictence a few boors afterwards) was not perhaps far wrong, viz., that ** he was a d — d kantankesons useful little curse." In this way, and with this company, we journeyed 4» till we reached the capital. Bat it would be vain to attempt to describe our entry into Jericho. Suffice it to m?fi that as we entered the gates we £ound an inunt nse eiowd assembled to meet us ; that an address was pve- •ented, to which I did not permit Mr. BuUyman to reply, ialchough he had obkiginglv prepared an answer for the ^Mcasion' ; that three triumpbauit arches spread their ukot ;hra^oas influence over us ; that women screamed, and ^children cried, and men shouted, and that finally I wa^ «et down at the vice-regal reaidemje very much shaken and fatigued, amidst tlie terrific roarli^s of the Suekera. For the mooaeat I dra^k t&e intoxication of triumph, and heartily responded to the sentiment of Mr. BuHymau, OOTEIUrOB OF CACOEA. if who was mad with excitement, " that it was a proud day for the city of Jericho !»» Still, in thinking over the soene afterwards, I could iiv»t conceal from myself that the triumph was not complete. Although the Suckers had exerted themselves to the utmost to give me a hearty reception, I was forced to remark tlie silence or sullen contempt of the opposite party— the Bullfrogs, as I now learnt they were called I noticed that a number of respectably dressed personij looked coldly as we passed, that several laughed outright, and that two or three actually hissed. Some of the best houses we passed had their shutters closed a» on the occasionof a funeral, and in one, in particular, where some beautiful children were at the window, an old gentleman with a countenance full of benevolence and kindness, shook his bald head, and threw up his hands so sorrow- fully, that in spite of myself my hopes feli, and I i(i\x sad. It is true that these hostile demonstrations were met with loud groans and hootings by the Suckers ; that one of the hissing parties was assaulted and beaten ; and that mud and stones were thrown at the houses wh' were closed, but still this did not satisfy me : why shouid such hostile feelings exist, and what ' /I I done to excite the rancour of party ? With these doubts working in my mind, the cortege stopped before the Vice-rpgal ibode, and in a moment after, the persevering Mr. Bullynaaii was once more at my side. « Splendid ! ain't i ?" he exclaimed triumphantly. " What do you say, Slianks, to giving his Excellency another round of tli City .' It'll have an effect !" With some difficulty this proposal was overruled, and I was permitted to alight, it being understood lb a Mr. Bullyman himself would by and by continue lli.^ pro- gress as suggested. Mr. Shanks, Mr. Buster, Mr. Fester, and Mr. Bully- man attended me into my new home, where we 48 HOW I CAME TO BB found some refreshments prepared. Whilst we were discussing these, I learnt for the first time, thai I was ex- pected to attend a grand ball, to be given that evening in honor of my arrival. I attempted to escape, but in vain, Mr. BuUyman clinching the matter with his usual un- answerable assertion — that " it would have an effect !" Finally, to my infinite joy, our visitors took their de- parture, and Pinkerton and I were left to ourselves. Before Mr. BuUyman absented himself, however, I made him promise he would look up Mr. Wolfe junior, and enquire what had become of our luggage, for however flattering the position of Governor of a Colony might be, the knowledge that His Excellency was at that moment without the means of getting clean linen, was not calcu- lated to heighten the feeling — and thus ended the first part of this great day's proceedings, and of my triumphal entry into the City of Jericho. G0¥E8V0R OF CACOKA. CHAPTER VI. I «o to tfw Birfl ud meet with an old gairtleauD vhe f h«t iq« insight into the state of a£^rs on the Island of 04qoB». W ' — ^?^ ARKNESS liad att .?^ in, and Pinkurton and I were still seat* ed before the itre, talking over the events of tlie "day, and of the strange cfaaocei I'hich had made me Governor of Caeona, and him my Secretary, when a knock came to the door, and Mt. Bully man entered. He was in high spirits, and had evidently {>een drinking ptctty freely. After expatiating on the events of the day, which be set down asu • great triumph, he informed me that he had brought Mr. Wolfe with him, and that that gentleman w -a " effect." The appearance of the enquirer was so extraordinary, that I was totally unable to furnish a reply. How Mr. Bullyman might have looked properly attired in the national costume of the McGregors, I cannot say, but as he actually was, his appearance could hardly have been more ludicrous. The fact is, the dress had been made for Pinkerton to enact the part of Rob Roy, and was, as a natural consequence, much too scant for a gentleman of Mr. Bullyman's formidable dimensions. In conse- quence of this, the snuff-colored pantaloons commonly worn by that person, had not been abandoned, and could now be seen tacked up under the plaid jacket and petticoats of the warlike McGregor. For a similar cause, Mr. Bullyman wore his ordinary half and half boots, and grey worsted stockings, which latter, however, were pulled down «o as to exhibit the natural beauty of his §• ^i ■OW f «AlllfO'M \k I l!i: I k: valines, wllich trould oeitaiilly baf« done no discredit 4o Aob Rty Jhknseif. Hib legs were, At « taatter <^ etnxn^ ftfofiisely dieooarated with bdntihaa of gaUy-colored tih- bons, wllich he trailed on the l^ondafter him, whilst, lo ^ttupAitiB Ibe ivhole, he wore fierehed on the top of his head a steall ^IcAgow boimet^ but <:tf which his big red face Idomed Me a new mcKniin 'a tkiist^ or a VQlcaM rather 4hink that wiU aelteiish %he natives," he kaid, iglan<;iing down on his gtiily iidonied )egB-->* tliey neter saw anything like thai belore^ Ooveibotr^-^hun- ikeri it wiM have tai effect !" Imfw it wonld be liseltes to atbempt to iMdeceive Mr^ Bullyman, and therefore said nothing. In the nteanitirtke PinlHaMon had attited himself in a Cbeek 4ress, in vfUch hn leatiy looked Ineiy w^U, and thotptepamtions beitig thus liar eonvpletied, we all pv^betfiied down ataira, and got into a coach which was limiting to «oivrey us to 1h» feceiie of festivity. We were not long in getAitlg to the baH^ ^^hiofa wais held in a room o^ei the market plaee. As the canrittge drciw np, we found atmtisber ief persdtis outside^ a^ conld hear the sound of fiddl«(s Above. '< There they are at itT' fteid Mr. BnUyman, as he threw open the eolith docnr and juiiiq>ed out. "Now little boys, make way £(» the Goviemov." Mr. Bullyman's appearance, however, was not eillea- latedto disperse the «rowd. On the contrary, the little boys f efelrred (o, set •np a ibbett hideotfs yeli, aild ptislised tovind tis in such a way that I had eoniideiiabledifliottltjr Sii making my way into the buildiiig. uj^Wben this was at length «ffeeted,vind< we had got t» Ae topvf a long flight of ite^, -ire lonnd-Mr. Shanfcs^ lbs Hon. Mr. Bustdr,and Mr. 'Fatter waiting to r^ei^ Tkey Wjine ^videntlytlriflM y| »baBk q«C ow *appcafeattoc^ ha« this feeling was mutual. 0« this oc- casion, as there was no getting away from him, I ad. dressed him as civiilyae, I could. " A plea&ant sight this, 8ir,»* I observed, pointing to the dancera,^" 1 bad no idea Cooona coald boasi of so much beauty and elegance." To my surprise, the «emadc did not se^m to piease M*. Pester. Drawing himsell up, and devaUng his eyo* brows till they neariy vanished over the top of his head ho replied with » cold sneer ;— « to the eye of tte patdo^ 31' i U HOW I OAMB TO W» r yoar Excellency— to the patriot, the thoughtless mirth cf a people is a subject of pain and not of pleasure j doubtless it will be a triumph for the Colonial So- oretaiy to learn by your next despatch, that, amidst all their multiplied wrongs, the people of Cacona can dance." "Really, Mr. Fester;" I observed, when the little animal had delivered himself of this extraordinary speech, — " I do not understand you." " Perhaps not," replied the little gentleman in the same fieezing tone—" perhaps not ; Colonists are very hard to be understood ; when did Downing-street ever nnder^ stand them? Your Excellency's remark does not as- tonish me : we are used to be misunderstood : the history of my country — of Cacona — is all comprised in that word — misunderstood." " Well, Mr. Fester," I said, smiling, (for I scarcely knew whether to be amused or annoyed at the self-im- portance of the little man,) "we will endeavour to understand you at last, and with the assistance of good patriots like yourself, it will be strange if we do not suc- ceed. I need scarcely ask, Mr. Fester, whether you are a member of the Assembly." Mr. Fester shook his head dismally — " No," he said, " the Colonial Minister might have mentioned that fact to your Excellency ; he knows it — Downing-street is well aware of the fact." . " It is a great pity," I said, feeling immensely relieved at the intelligence. " It is generally considered so,'* said Mr. Fester, quite at his ease ; " and measures are now being taken to remedy it. If your Excellency will read the last number o( the Scorpionj you will there find the address of a large number of the citizens of Jericho to a humble individual whom they are pleased to consider their friend. Other constituenoes have put in their olaimft — Squash Vil- GOTEBNOB OF CAGOMA. 55 iage, Comstock, and Hickory Plain— but Jericho is my birtb-place, and I owe her- 44 A. good deal more than you are ever likely to pay ber, old grunter," said Mr. Bullyman, coming up at the moment, and slapping his political associate pretty smartly on the shoulders. « But never mind about that now. What do you say to a Scotch reel, your Excel- lency ? Come along with me, and I'll introduce you to a partner: thunder, it'll have an effect!" and before I could say yea or nay, Mr. Bullyman had disappeared in the crowd, from which he emerged a few seconds after- wards, dragging after him a very tall lady, dressed in a tartan dress, with a profusion of sandy-colored ringlets flowing over her shoulders. This person he forthwith introduced to me as Miss Margaret McTighe, the daughter of a leading Sucker, and a first-rate hand at e alius brought to bay, I had to give in, and amidst the approving smiles of the company, who fell back on every side, Miss McTighe and myself proceeded to take up our places. As it happened, I had been learnt to dance reels by an old Scotch aunt, whom I used to visit when a boy, and therefore felt myself not altogether unprepared to emulate the activities of my partner. This, however, I soon found out was no easy matter. No sooner did the music strike up, than Miss McTighe went off at a rate that was perfectly bewildering. All at once, her head, hands, and feet seemed to become possessed of the in- carnate spirit of the jig; and jerked and tossed, and twisted themselves about in a way that defies all attempt at description, and that made my poor head grow dizzy as I looked at her. When I state that these performances were every now and then relieved by a sharp cry or kowl, (intended to illustrate the war-cry of some illu*. trious dan,) which would have frightened the soul out of the Black Douglas himself, some faint idea may be i vl ROW I OJllIB 1f> I'iii W loorned of the aatonitliment and ooniternation which ovBt' took me. VAb' 6oon as I could recover from the first alann these pfelitninaries, on the part of Miss McTighe had oe- ooiioned) I endeavoured as well as 1 could to bring m/f ffivmer dancing exporiemses into practice, and thiowing out my feet right and left, and snapping my fingers ii» ^ air, proceeded t6 execute a variety of manOBuvres ot the Highlandic character, which would have greatly as- tonisbed the ancient relative to whom 1 am indebted for ft knowledge of this classic dance. This demonstration on my part gavci, »s may be supu peted, great sati^aodoni to the company^ who manifested tinttir pleasure by a general clapping of bands, and cries of " br^vo, Governor !" " Well done, Governor V* &c. Ite. Fatal encouragement ! Fired at my success, Misn McTFigfae apparently redoubled her efforts, and hei feats of activity — marvellous beibie — became each moment more wonderful %HA. And your Excellency's from Sussex ; they used to he capital cricketera there in my time, and many a hard day»s work I've had batting and bowling : J'U be bound your Excellency knows sumethiDg about it." "Oh, yes," I said laughing— "We havent lost ow oiiokclting laurels in Sussex." " Oh, I'm ghvd of that ; and now you've come out here 1o play a harder game than cricket with Sucker and Bullfrog— to be bowled at by Fester, who's as canning ■s a fox, and caught out or stumped out it may be by Builyman or Shanks, who have no more bowels of com- passion than a couple of crocodiles : Well, well, I sup- pose it's all for the best :— but look ! here come the very gentlemen themselves, making good the old adage, f suppose, and not looking over pierced v 'her at finding your Excellency in communicatic i with loh a fieive Bullfrog as old John Grey, of the * 'V. ars.' >' True enough, as the old gentlema ^uid, up came the two, and Mr. Bulljrman, putting his arm unceiemonimsly through mine, drew me on one side. " That will never do, Governor," he said, when he had got out of Mr. Grey's hearing, " that's a terrible Uunder. I suppose your Excellency isn't awara that that old villain there has done more mischief to the country than all the rest of his party together. If it hadn't been for him, we should have had popular insti- tutions twenty years ago, shouldn't we Shanks? Why when he had it ail his own way, and that was a plaguy long time, there was no Sucker voice in the country: Ihe Sucker heart was inanimate and death-like— wamiH it Shanks? It has cost the Colony a tremendous effort to get out of that state of terrific tranquillity— hasn't It Bhonks ? and even now the old hypocrite is scheming and intriguing. What business had he beis© to aight? None ftA^eM : except to brew xnischiei'.*' " Well," I said, " he seems a pleasant old gesntlei&HQ HOW I CAlfB TO BB IN enough ; and what is more, I find that he and I come from the same part of England.'* On hearing this, Mr. Fester gave one of his sardonic laughs, and Mr. Bullyman and Mr. Shanks exchanged looks with each other. However, they ' said nothing, whatever they may have thought, and we walked on together to the head of the room, where preparations were making for a grand country dance, at the end of which I had signified to Mr. Bullyman my intention of retiring. On getting up to my old place on the platform, I found Pinkerton, looking dreadfully jaded, and his Greek dress in a great state of confusion. He complain- ed bitterly of Mr. Bullyman, who had insisted on his dancing the whole evening with the wives of two emi- nent Suckers, on the ground that such an extraordinary mark of attention " would have an effect." In the meantime, the dance was progressing most boisterously, being headed by a person whose mannera and costume, as Pinkerton and I caught sight of him in the crowd, struck both of us as rather peculiar. This person wore what seemed to be a pair of hussar trousers and a red-shell jacket, neither of which seemed to be anything like a fit. On his head he had a kind of foraging cap, and we could hear the sound of his spurs rattling on the floor when he moved down the dance. As I looked at him — his back being turned, it seemed to me that the outline was familiar to me, and that I must have met the party before. A similar impression took hold of Pinkerton, who moreover suggested that tht dress was very similar to one he had worn in the thril- ling meloHclrama of the Soldier''^ Bride^ and which had been packed up with the rest of the theatrical properties. "It is certainly very singular," said Mr. Pinkerton, after w j had both looked on for some time,—" I could swear those were my military pants : I wish I could see who it is." QOVEBltOB OP CACOJTA. 6$ The party, however, seemed detennined not to furnish US with this opportunity : and I could not help remark- ing that whenever he was required to take up a position where we might obtain a full view of his person, he in- variably sideled away, so as to keep his face out of sight. Just as the dance was drawing to a close, however, a cir- cumstance occurred which made all these precautions quite useless. It happened as follows : — Mr. Bullyman, who had been drinking pretty freely all the evening, had by this time become undisguisably drunk, and was now going about the room posturizing and screeching, and performing all kinds of mad an.ics. Amongst his other feats, he had made several attempts to introduce himself into the dance, but had been hitherto successfully repelled. Determined, however, not to be foiled, he had at length prevailed on my late | irtner, Miss McTighe, to stand up with him at the head of the set, and watching a favourable opportunity, had set off at a most furious rate, waltzing or rather reeling down the room. As he and his partner came on, increasing their velocity with every turn, every one who could got out of their way. It happened, however, that the mysterious stranger was at this moment leading his partner down the dance, and, as he had his face turned in the opposite direction, could see nothing of Mr. BuUyman's furious progress. The result can be better imagined than des- cribed : The hindmost waltzers overtook the foremost, who were sent rolling in different parts of the room, amidst the roars and screams of the company. Nor did the matter end here— the party thus roughly dealt with, did not seem to take the tumble quite as a matter of course, and angry voices were heard, and hands, raised as though to strike, were seen above the heads of the spectators. Presently two or three heavy blows became audible, and then forth from the midst of the crowd burst u TdOW I CAtf S TO .BS Mr. Wolfe, bleeding copiously at the nose, jelling most lustily, and closely pursued by Mr. Bullyman. The mystery was now explained : Taking advantage of our absence, my "Sweet" had made free with Pinker- ton's theatrical wardrobe, and in this disguise had come in late after supper, thinking to escape detection in the crowd ; a result in which he might have succeeded but for the catastrophe brought about by Mr. BuUyman. This incident pretty well put an end to the ball, and drawing the mantle of the Duke of Aranza closely around me, sick at heart, sad and weary, I retired with my faithful Pinkerton from the scene of festivities, and so closed the first public ball given in my honor by the in- habitants of the City of Jericho. , ** . aOTEENOB OP CACONA. 65 CHAPTER VII. In which my popularity receives a slight check. T was late the next day before I . saw anything of my self-constituted l/ia.^^/ friends, tlie Suckers. At about three o'clock, however, Mr. Shanks and Mr. Buster made their appearance, ac- [li i^^H^^k companied by Mr. Fester and two other persons, whom they 'introduced as Mr. Foker and the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper. In reply to my enquiries about > Mr. Bullyman, they infonned ^^^^^^ me that he was slightly in- ° ^^^^^^^ disposed, which I could very well imagine he might be. is. After a few preliminaries, Mr. ^'-^■Y^^SS^"* Shanks handed me a list of the _ i^Q^ names of eminent Suckers, out of whom he proposed the construc- tion of a ministry, adding, that in the opinion of himself and friends, such an arrangement would be highly satis- factory to the country. On looking at the list I found it as follows : — Civil Secretary, .Mr. Shanks. Attorney General, Mr. Bullyman. Keeper of the Public Chest, Mr. Fester. Solicitor General, Mr. Foker. Public Roads and Turnpikes,. .. Hon. Mr. Buster. Superintendent of Schools and Colleges, Rev. Mr. Pott3 Pepper. jm-f^mi;j^:M ■.-i^'itS^^S^i^ QOW I CA21E TO BC lii The principles on which such a Government would be formed, Mr. Shanks said, were Suckers to the backbone. The gentlemen whose names appeared on the list, were the leading men of that party, well known to the constitu- encies, and having their entire confidence. If the ar- rangement met with my approval, he, Mr. Shanks, as the head of the new cabinet, would be prepared to advise an immediate dissolution, the result of which, he con- fidently predicted, would b? an immense Sucker ma- jority. I need hardly say that I was not at all pleas^^d with this prc^)0sal. My desire was to remain quiet for a few weekd in order to ascertain something of the state of public feeling in the Colony, before I took any step in one direction or the other. Up to the present time, I had> l^ a series of accidents over which I had no control, been thrown entirely into the hands of the Suckers, who seemed very much inclined to regard me as their own peculiar property, to the exclusion of every one else. It was evident thu^ the Bullfrogs looked with suspicion on me, a circumstance which I attributed in great part to the answer in reply to the Address of the citizens of An- tioch, which Mr. BuUyman had palmed off on me, in which that party had been strongly disparaged, and the Suckers jnoportion^tely elevated. After some hesitation, I ventured to hint these doubts to Mr. Shanks, who received them in anything but a Chri8tian4ike spirit, expressing his astonishment at what he was pleased to call my extraordinary inconsistency and vacillation. " However," he said, " the Suckers must judge of the matter for themselves. As for himself and colleagues, they neither degired nor sought office. It was notorious that nearly all of them would have made great ^acriftces in accepting ofl^e, and could be induced to do so, only by a stern sense of what was due to the c^Hintry. Take ^e accomplished Bullyraan, for instance ! GOVERNOR OP CACONA. •I It was notorious that Bullyman's practice yielded him at least £2000 a-year;— why then should Bully man desire office? Then there was Mr. Fester, the high- minded and incorruptible Fester— what could the paltry inducement of £ 1000 a-year be to Fester ? The idea was perfectly ridiculous. As to himself, God knew he did not seek the responsibility of office. Sweeter to him was the crust moistened in the mountain stream, than the sumptuous meal swallowed in the turmoil of official existence. Personally, therefore, they bad reason to re- joice at the resolution taken by an infatuated Governor, who, doubtless, only acted under instructions. But he warned Downing street— he warned thg Colonial Minis- ter—to beware. He did not say the Suckers could ever be brought to resort to open resistance— he desired his poli- tical friends who were present to take particular notice he did not say that— but he did assert that there was a point beyond which endurance became impossible, and submission on the part of the Suckers would be a crime." This speech was received with great approbation by Mr. Shanks' political friends, and the whole soon after took their departure, with undisguised manifestations of indignation and displeasure. The Rev. Mr. Potts Pep- per, in particular, was loud in his denunciations, rend- ing his clothes after the fashion of King David, and making particular enquiries as to what had become of Magna Charta. Mr. Buster also exclaimed loudly against what he described as a « regular sell," and gave it as his firm conviction that justice would never be done to the Colony till there had been another " jolly good low." It was in vain that I attempted to explain that I was acting under no such instructions as they seemed to sup- pose ; the only answers I got were sneers and reproaches. Had I not been received by the Suckers on my landing ? Had I not been brought by that paity in triumph to 68 HOW I CAME TO BE Antioch ? Had I not in my answer to the Address of the citizens of that place, exprer.sed my entire sympathy with the Sucker party, and my abhorrence of the oppo- site faction ? Lad I not entered Jericho with the heads of that party, and had I not attended a Sucker Ball given expressly in honor of my arrival ? How could I pretend, then, that I was ignorant of tlu^> state of parties when f had already pronounced my opinion on those parties, and had done all in my power to inculcate the belief that I was what I had pretended to be — an out and out Sucker ? It would not have been very emy to answer these in- terrogatories, supposing Mr. Shanks and his friendi had been vi 11 ling to hear me, which they \yere not. Indeed, their 'ndignatiov? increased to such a pitch at la«l, that I felt really relit; Mi aoi thankful when I saw the door at length close upon she? i. As soon as they w^rjR gone, I began to think over the matter, and had no fii viculty in coming to the conclusion, that my position liad by no means improved in conse- quence of what had just happened. If I cut the cabJe with the Suckers, where was I to look for support? The idea did cross my mind of seeking out the old gen- tleman I had conversed with at the ball, but the igno- rance in which I was as to his standing and influence, beyoad what had fallen from himself, made me hesitate, and finally deterred me. In this troubled state of mind I remained for some time, till Pinkerton, who had been writing some letters up stairs, made his appearance, and then the subject was again taken up, and talked over and over without any resolution being come to, till the shades of evening began to close in. The clock had struck eight, and we were still engaged in conversation, when all of a sudden, we both of us be- came aware of an unusual stir in the neighbourhood, and on looking out of the window saw a large concourse vf aOVEBNOB OP CACONA. 60 persons assembled in front of an inn on the opposite side of the street, and not many yards from our residence. Some of these persons carried banners, and the whole of them had their eyes turned towards a balcony, on which four or five individuals were standing. As we looked on, Ihere was a great shouting and waving of hats, followed by perfect silence. " It must be a public meeting," observed Pinkerton oervously : " Let us open the window, and hear what they say." Accordingly, the window was thrown open, and the blinds being down, we could both see and hear all that was going on. At first the tones of the speaker— for there was a speaker— were indistinct, but as our ears got accus- tomed to the sound, both Pinkerton and myself became impressed with the idea that the orator was no other than Mr. Bullyman himself. When we first heard him, he was giving a sketch of some great political party, whom I had no difficulty in setting down as the Suckers. He spoke of their struggles against difficulties— how they had been deceived and ill-treated— how generous and patriotic they were— how disinterested, pure-minded, and noble. He said they were the only p arty who had constantly refused office— who spurned office— who des- pised office. The country was something to them— liberty was something, but office was nothing. A Suck- er was a man without selfishness, who was all heart, who lived for others, and not for himself. Was it not a fact, that within the last twelve months the Suckers had six times spurned office. (Loud cheering). They had spurned it, and why ? Because it was offered shackled with conditions which, had they been agreed to, would have made the time-honored name of Sucker a term of reproach throughout the civilized world. They had all heard the rumour which had been circulated that after- 70 HOW I CAMB TO BE Iv noon— which had fallen like a thunderbolt on the soulf of men. As he had been the first to receive his Excel- lency the new Governor, (lond groanings and hisses,) he could speak with an intimate knowledge of ail that had taken place. The very first question His Excellency had put to him on landing was, " are you a Sucker, Sir?" " Yes," I replied. « Then," said his Excellency, pressing me warmly by the hand, "I respect you." Now was it not extraordinary that after this, his Excel- lency should declare to-day to my friend the Hon. Mr. Shanks, " that the Suckers were a dangerous party ; that he would have nothing to do with the Suckers ; that he would put them down, or they should put him down !" How was it possible to account for such extraordinary conduct? « When his Excellenc)^," continued the speaker, " presented me with the answer to the citizens of Antioch -—an answer which filled the minds of the people with joy— I, feeling the delicacy of my situation, ventured to suggest the propriety of his Excellency's moderating some of the terms contained in that remarkable paper- but what was his Excellency's reply ? * No,' said he, *I know what I am doing; 1 have made up my mind as to the course I shall pursue ; I was a Sucker long before I came here, and a Sucker I intend to remain.» Now gentlemen, in the face of such a declaration, to what are we to ascribe the conduct of his Excellency to ray honorable colleagues to-day ? And here let me men- tion, that the object of the visit of my honorable friends had not the least connection with office ; they had not the most remote idea of offering their services to his Ex- cellency, however much the country desired it. They went as simple citizens to enquire after the health of the Queen, and they were met by a fierce denunciation of iheir principles as a party : * I will crush the Suckers* or they shall crush me V (renewed groanings and hisses). Gentlemen, we cannot be surprised to find GOTBRNOB or CkCOHtA. n that such language carried the deepest grief into the bosoms of those at whom it was directed. It has been stated— perhaps I ought not to mention the fact— that that exemplary citizen and pious pastor, the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper, burst into tears when he heard it. But,* gentlemen, can the Suckers be crushed? (loud cries of * no, never,— we'll die first.') It has been noticed that at the hall which his Excellency attended last night, he was seen in deep conversation with a Grey-headed (the speaker laid great stress upon the word Grey) Bullfrog, (loud hisses.) Now, can it be possible that his Excel- lency dreams of sending the country back into the claws of the Bullfrogs? (Continued groanings). It may be that his Excellency has been only deceived for the mo- ment, and that he will repent. Personally," said the speaker, " I feel a sincere regard for his Excellency ; I knew his family, and his respected father was my late uncle's most intimate friend. Mr. Wolfe, whom we all esteem, and who has come out as an attach6, assures me he has heard his Excellency command the attention of the House of Commons for six hours at a time. My private letters all speak in the highest terms of his Ex- cellency. Let us not then despair. Before to-morrow, it may be his Excellency will have discovered his error : if not, we know what to do. Is there not a pole in the market-place, and are not the shears of deliverance (so I interpreted what Mr. Bullyman said,) near at hand.>'» (Great excitement and cheering) . When Mr. Bullyman had concluded, somebody else took his place, and in that somebody I soon discovered the form and voice of Mr. Fester— but I had heard enough, and closing the window, paced the apartment overcome with anger and astonishment. In this state I remained, till in a short time my attention was again attracted by the noise of the crowd, which seemed to be ^drawing nearer. On going to the window I perceived, «l HOW I CAME TO BE H surely enough, that the mass was in motion, and crouch- ing down so that I might escape observation, I watched its progress with mingled feelings of anger ind trepida- tion. At the head, walked Fester and Bullyman. Im- mediately behind them, was a man carrying ablac k flag, followed by others bearing ^rnnors and torches. But what more particularly P'mp!. ir>v attention, were two men, each with an enormoi.is tdi^e pair of shears, such as tailors make use ,>r, and which they kept snapping to and fro' to the evident amusement of the multitude. On getting opposite the window, they stopped, and gave " three cheers for the Suckers," H .lo,veU oy a like number of groans for the Bullfrogs. Then there was a cry for the "Governor," which was however hushed, and finally, to my great relief, they passed on. In short, what with the ghastly light of the torches, the black flag, and the shruting and noises, the scene was calculated to produce some alarm in my mind, and such I freely con- fess was the eflect. Sitting together late that night, Pinkerton and I talked over our situation, in the vain hope of finding some means of relief. My desire still was to seek out some respectable parties -if such were to be found— and try to learn the actual state of parties in the Colony, of which I was as yet totally ignorant. There were, however, difficulties in the way. It was evident I was in the hands of the Suckers, and that any attempt to escape from them would be atter/^ed with risk, nd it mJ^ht be with danger. In this dii. ,ma, I finahy yieldea 'to the persuasions of Pinkerton, on whom the events of the nighi had produced even ^ ^isaXer effect than on ay- self; and it was agreed that I should the next njorning address a formal letter to Mr. Shanks, entrusting him with the task of forming a Sucker 'dmir "stration. If they are the majority, I observed, th y h e a right to office J and if not, I shall soon find j outj ttad can take^ aOVEBNOB OF CACONA. 7S measures accordingly. At all events, ' will not be able to say that I have not given them th hance, and it remains with them to improve it. And v th this resolu- tion I went to bed, and slept more soundly than from the events of the day, I had reason to expect. u Bow I CAME TO BB % CHAPTER VUL In which I rcsi^ myself into tho hands of the Suckers. JS going down to breakfast next morning, I found a damp copy of that day's Scorpion on the table, containing a full nport of the meeting of the previous even- ing. There was also a long edi- torial from tjje pen of Mr. Fester, in which a great deal of indignation was exhausted against the Colonial Secretary and my humble self. I was, however, rather agreeably surprise 1 to find that the Hon. gentle- man at the head of the Colonial department came in for a much larger share of the abuse than my- self, and this I afterwards learnt as a weakness in Fester, whose vanity led him to imagine that he was a particular object of terror and dread to Her Majesty's Government, and to trace to this feeling every political act which he supposed to be hostile to his party. And this 1 have since been told is a common failing with Colonial newspaper editors, who imagine their thunder to be heard terrifically in Downing street, and who never launch an arrow but with the full expectation of seeing a minister fall. So much was this the case in Cacona, that there was once (as I afterwards learnt) almost an insurrection in consequence of a declaration made by a leading London Journalist, — in accounting for a mis-statement which had appeared in his columns — that be never read Colonial newspapers, and that all the aOVEHWOR OP CACONA. n Scorpions went into the waste basket. Perhaps on the present oceasion I should have fch Fester's attack more, had not my attention bcon attrarlod to a paragraph in another column of the paper, announcing the arrival of later intelligence from England, land.'d by a steamer the previous evening, and containing the following inti- mation ;— « We learn that despatches were brought by this sfearner for his Excellency the Governor. Although the contents have not yet transpired, we believe we may state that the Imperial Government have consented to a loan of £250,000, in favor of the public works of this Colony. Like everything else from the same quarter, this comes too late. Twenty-four hours ago, it might have been regarded as a boon— noty, it will be looked on as an insult." What struck me as most singular in this announcement was, that I should have heard nothing of this arrival, or of the reported despatches. Anxious to learn the truth, I summoned Pinkerton, and sent him oflf to the Post Office to make the necessary enquiries. He returned in about half-an hour with the intelli- gence that the mail had arrived as reported, and that certain packages, which the postmaster took for des- patches, and which were directed to the Governor, had been delivered to Mr. Bullyman late the previous night. Whilst he was communicating this, a knock was heard at the door, and in came Mr. Bullyman and Mr. Shanks, the former holding what turned out to be my despatches in his hand. On taking them, I perceived at once that the seals had been disturbed,— a circumstance which Mr. Bullyman explained by saying, that they had been de- livered to him by mistake, and that he had not dis- covered the error till he had opened the envelopes. He assured me, however, that he was quite unaware of the contents, and that his object in calling was simply to de- liver them into my own hands, and e plain what he called a singular circumstance. At the same time he 76 HOW I CAME TO BE and Mr. Shanks very coolly sat down and made them- selves quite at home, whilst I proceeded to glance at the papers. 1 was not at all surprised to find that the announce- ment made in the Scorpion was correct. In the first despatch I glanced at, the Colonial SecreiT.ry informed me that Her Majesty's Government — anxious to aid my efforts — had determined to advance the sum of £250,000 as a loan to Cacona, the interest to be secured on certain public works hereafter to be completed ; despatch No. 2, were general instructions to guide me in my Govern- ment, covering, as near as I could guess, about sixteen quires of foolscap paper : No. 3, contained a number of queries as to the resources of the Island of Cacona — whether I was of opinion the silk worm would ihrive there — whether Mud Harbour Creek could not be for- tified by a chain of martello towers — whether vaccina- tion was generally practised, and what amount of yellow soap had betn imported since the settlement of the coun- try. These different queries I was requested to answer by the next mail, in order that they might be ready by a certain day, when Mr. Hume was to make a motion in Parliament for an enquiry into " the resources and present position of the Island of Ca-'ona." " Well," said Mr. Bullyman, when I had laid down the papers, after this hasty glance at their contents — " much news ? How's Victoria and her illustrious con- sort, and the children ?" I replied, that for aught I knew to the contrary. Her Majesty and Prince Albert and family were in the enjoyment of excellent health. Apparently satisfied on this point. Mr. BuL'yman took up Fester's newspaper, and referring to the paragraph which had first struck my attention, asked whether there was any truth in what was stated there respecting a loan. Having informed him there was, both he and Mr. GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 77 Shanks expressed the greatest surprise, observing that Fester was a most extraordinary person, and that it was a mystery to every one how he got his information. I did not think it worth while to say what I thought on this point, but after waiting a few minutes, took Mr. Shanks on one side, and told him frankly that I had come to the determination oi leaving in his hands the task of forming an administration. To my surprise, the gentleman received the communi- cation very coolly. Ht. didn't know, he said, but that it was too late ; yesterday there would have been no diffi- culty, but since then a great change had come over the public mind. Finally, however, he promised to com- municate with the parties with whom he generally acted, and let me know their determination in the course of the day. He then left me to ponder over the voluminous corres- pondence of the Colonial Off ce, and speculate on the chance (a very feeble one, I suspected) of having to form an administration without the aid of the Suckers. In about two hours, the sound of footsteps in the passage an- nounced Mr. Shanks's return, and he entered the room, accompanied by Messrs. Bullyman, Foker, the Rev. Mr! Potts Pepper, and the detestable Fester. The party having seated themselves, Mr. Shanks pro- ceeded to unfold to me the tremendous difficulty he had had in inducing his honourable friends to listen to the proposal I had entrusted him with. He had found, he said, Messrs. Bullyman, Foker, Pepper, and Buster fully determined never to enter public life again, and it was only after representing to them how deeply the country must suffer if they refused, that they had at length con- sented to waive their objections. One condition, how- ever, they had considered it indispensable to make, and that was, that I should put myself entirely into their hands. In coasequence of what had already occurred, they felt ^ HOW I CAME TO BE entitled to demand that there should be no holding back on the part of the head of the Government, and that the Sucker policy would be observed to the very letter. As an earnest of this policy, he, Mr. Shanks, had under- taken on my part that such offices as were now filled by Bullfrogs should be immediately vacated, and filled up with Suckers, and that for the future no Bullfrog should Irn held eligible to enjoy either honor or profit under the Government. Ah hough I by no means approved of such a step, I rflfret to say I had not the firmness to resist it, and taking my silence for assent, Mr. Shanks proceeded to unfold the views of himself and colleagues respecting the future Government of the country. From what he said, I learnt that the popular branch of the Legislature in the Island of Cacona (called the Roundabout) consisted of 44 mem- bers, who at that particular moment were nearly equally divided into Bullfrogs and Suckers, the former having rather the advantage. Besides this body, there was an Upper House, consisting of some twenty members, nomi- nated by the Crown for life, and in this body the Bull- frogs had a decided majority. In regard to the Lower House, Mr. Shanks and his friends were unanimously of opinion, that the result of a new election would be highly favourable to the Suckers, and as to the Upper House, or Drowsy-heads, as Mr. Bullyman called the members composing that branch of the Legislature, it w^as agreed on all hands, that it would be advisable to make short work of them, by swamping them with an overwhelming infusion of Suckers. " It's only putting a little more water into the constitutional teapot to stir up the old dregs," said Mr> Shanks, facetiously. " If those old noodles were allowed to have their own way, they might go rejecting a Bill some fine day, and so upset the Con- stitution altogether." Accordingly, it was agreed that the present Roundabout GOVEBNOB OP CAOONA. 79 should be at once dissolved, and an appeal made to the country— a stirring Sucker appeal, as Mr. Shanks elo- quently phrased it. At the same time it was proposed that in order to give me personal popularity, as well as to strengthen the Sucker interest, I should take a tour through the most populous parts of the Island, in com- pany with Mr. Bullyman, whose popular and winning manners, it was represented, would be sure to produce a favourable effect on the constituencies. In regard to the composition of the ministry, also, it was considered advisable to make several additions to the list previously* proposed. Thus a Mr. Ferrit was named Commissioner of Fortifications— an office created with a view to the contemplated works at Mud-harbour Creek, and a Mr. Mites (to both of whom I was soon after- wards introduced) Inspector of Silk Worms and Head of the Yellow Soap Department. At this council, as Mr. Shanks called it, a good deal of conversation took place respecting the £250,000 loan to be advanced on the security of public works. The general opinion seemed to be, that bills should be imme- diately draw.i on the Imperial Treasury for the amount, which would be placed in the hands of Mr. Fester, as keeper of the public chest. It was also a,« ed that £30,000 of this sum should be considered appropriated for the purposes of fortifying Mud Harbour Creek, and that the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper should be at liberty to draw for £10,000 for the purposes of sound Sucker education. I endeavoured to oppose the two last resolutions, on the ground that no appropriation could be legally made till the Roundabout had given its sanction ; but this was ov'jr-ruled, Mr. Bullyman observing,— that as to Mud Harbour Creek, they were only following out the evident intentions of the Imperial Government, and as for the vote of the Roundabout, why, if they, the Ministry, couldn't " fix'' them, they didn't deserve to be Suckers. m HOW I CAME TO BB Having transacted this important business, the Coun- cil broke up, it being understood that the writs for a new election should issue without loss of time, and that Mr. BuUyman and myself should set out for our tour in the course of a week or two at the furthest. GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 81 CHAPTER IX. In which Mr. Shanks makes a proposal for a grand political dinner— divisioo in the Cabinet. |UR object is to make your Ex- cellency popular," said Mr. Shanks, in an interview which he had with me in the course of the next morning : " Every thing which does that, must strengthen the Ministry; and, therefore, what does your Ex- cellency say to a dinner.?" " A dinner, Mr. Shanks.?" " Yes, a political dinner, composed of distinguished individuals. All Colonial experience goes to show the importance of the culinary art. Whenever there is a waverer in your ranks, invite him to dinner. Men's principles, your Excellency," said Mr. Shanks, who prided himself on being a bit of a philosopher, " Lig very much in their stomachs. He is a wretch of the deepest dye, who takes a cut of your mutton, and goes and votes against you. A Governor's dinners, allow me to assure your Excellency, are a strong test of a Governor's prin- ciples. If the Suckers are satisfied with your dinners, you may lead them like lambs." " In that case, we must certainly give a dinner. When ought it to be .?" " Oh, immediately. Some remarks have been already made on the delay, and we must not lay ourselves open to suspicion. I will see the othpr members of the Cabinet in the course of the mornin-, aad we will have a meeting to consider th« details," 6$ HOW I OkHE TO BE " Had not those be better left to the cook ?" " The cook ! Oh dear, no !" and Mr. Shanks smiled condescendingly. — " You have no idea of the importance of the step. I look upon this dinner as a great political experiment. If we fail there, goodness only knows what may become of us ;" and Mr. Shanks took his departure. He returned in about an hour, with some other mem- bers of the Cabinet, and they all retired into a small ante-chamber, which was understood to be that devoted to the serious deliberations of the " CounciL" As I did not conceive that my presence could aid their delibera- tions, I remained where I was, but I could hear them en- gaged in earnest conversation where I sat. At first everything appeared to go on smoothly, but presently some kind of misunderstanding seemed to have arisen between Mr. Shanks and Mr. Bullyman, whose voices were heard raised in angry contention above all the others — " Hot ! never !" I heard the former gentleman say — " I'll resign first !" Apprehensive that some serious difficulty had occurred, which my presence might remove, I arose and proceeded to the Council room. Here 1 found Mr. Shanks and the Attorney General sitting at opposite sides of a table, looking very heated and excited, whilst the other mem- bers of the Cabinet were looking on in evident doubt and perplexity. " A very serious matter," whispered the Rev Mr. Potts Pepper, as I passed by him — " I'm afraid it'll lead lo a break up. Do speak lo them, your Excellency, — there really must be concessions." " You may just as well give up the party as give up the hot stuff," said Mr. Bullyman, contiauing the debajte, and looking steadily at me as he spoke. "What stuff?" I enquired— "what is the difficulfy, gentlemen ?" GOVEBKOft OP CACOWa. m « Gin !»' said Mr. Bullyman, doggedly: "Here's Shanks, with his d-d new-fangled notions, objects to hot «tuil after dinner !*' " I'll resign first," observed Mr. Shanks firmly. "I'll resign if we don't have it," retorted Mh Bully- man. « What's a Governor's dinner without hot stuff afterwards. We ain't going to smoke upon cold sherry, are we.;*" ^* " I object to smoking," said Mr. Shanks—" I'll re* sign I" ^« This is very seTJoos,'Mnterp08ed Mr. Potts Pepper. It IS most unfortunate the misunderstanding should have arisen, and on such a critical point too. Although I per- lectly agree on the propriety of hot stuff—" "I'll resign !» interrupted Mr. Shanks, making a feint to grasp his hat, which was just under his nose. "Isay," continued the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper, "al- though I fully agree on the propriety of hot stuff, I con- sider there ought to be a compromise. Suppose instead oi hot stuff- (although personally, I repeat, I have no objection to hot stuff )~instead of hot stuff and pipes we make it cigars and cold brandy and water ?" ' "I'm content," said Rjr I^nilyman: "come. Shanks, old fellow — what do you say ?' " I've no objection to bran. On another occasion, he de- bate^ ;i:>n»e important point which had arisen with a young suckijig pig in his arms, and finally Pink- erton found him standing over a pot at the kitchen fire, Ltirring up some savoury compound with more than his usual zeal, at the same time accompanying the process with a string of expletives expressive of his intention to " produce an effect." The rest of the Council were also very busily engaged. To Mr. Potts Pepper, I found, was assigned the selection of the fluids to be used on the occasion, and as there was a very strong alcoholic smell about the Rev. Gentleman during the whole time the preparations were going on, I have every reason to believe that he attended strictly to his duties. Mr. Buster and Mr. Shanks were the in- aOVERHOR OP OACOHA. 87 vitation ommittee, and to Mr. Foker and Mr. Fester wei ? rissjgricd tl,*; responsibility of receiving and m, berin^ tlio guests. At length th*- day and hour ai ed, one of the first dications being the urri al of a guard * honor, coaipoFi of member of Captain Scrogi^ins' troop, who walked abruptly jmo the ni)parlmcnt with drawn swords in their hands, and took imnicdiat. possession of P ikerton and mysrlf. They were shortly followed l>y the band of the Harmonious Suckers, who took up their position in the hall, and coranienced playing a variety of patriotic airs in a key and with an animation which threa blow the roof off) hn dwelling. The visitors now uegan to arrive, each one as ame being taken Into custody by two of Captain (gins' corf'^, who lead, or rather dragi^^ed him up to the spot w? .ic Pinkertoa nnd I were standing. The ceremony of introduction ha cu sinnplified by an invention of Mr. Bullyman's, ■ .,.(1*; in Council, r^nd which indeed IS one of th<' things on which tliu. gentleman bad threatened to '' resign.'' In order to prevent unnect a.y confusion, the Attorney General insisted on having every guest numbered as he came into the room. " There are so many guests and so many plates," argued Mr. Bully- man, " ohalk your guests and number your plates, and there's an end of the matter." Accordingly, as each visitor entered the reception room, he was seized by two of Captain Scroggins' military heroes, one of ^^^hom held him fast, whilst the other proceeded \< nark ais particu- lar number, which he did by drawing a f ure in chalk, some two inches in length, on his sh' .ders. By this means the ceremony of introduction was rendered ex- ceedingly simple. Wi:h great forethought, Mr. Bully- man had had a list of the names and numbers of the guests put into my hands in the morning ; all that re- mained to be done, therefore, was to run the new comer ^T-- -fl IMfii IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) /. % 1.0 I.I ffi^ IIIIIM ^ 1114 l!^ lis IIIIIM 1.8 11-25 il.4 11.6 Vj (^. ^ <^^^ A A 7 >^ y/ Photographic Sciences Corporation 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, NY. MS80 (716) 872-4503 09 HOW I CAME TO BE up to the lop of the room, wheel him suddenly round, and leave me to Interpret his hieroglyphics. The first comer who was presented in this way was a little red-faced man, down whose back a rather tipsy looking 1 had been scored, with a dash underneath, which a reference to Mr. Bullyman's list informed me, meant " No. 1— first side table " He struggled a good deal in the hands of the " guard," but finally— after having been duly read and interpreted by Pinkerton and my- self,— was allowed to depart, and fluttered away to hide himself in some distant corner of the apartment. The next gentleman who presented himself was my old friend Mr. Megs, who being properly done into English came out as " 4, next to the fish, and right n front of potatoes." The party who succeeded Mr Megs, was " No. 3 on the right of the mutton," and so it went on till the dishes and guests had been all exhausted, and there was no more chalking to be executed. By this time the room was full to suffocation, and what with the noise of the visitors, and that made by the band of the Harmonious Suckers, which kept up a full blast all the time, I felt as if I must go distracted. Mr. Bullyman's ingenious scheme had rendered every gen- tleman anxious to learn something about his neighbor's posteriors, and for a long time the whole company were engaged in an interesting examination of each other's backs, and spelling out the hieroglyphics which gave them a place at the Governor's table. I was glad to find from the remarks, that the scheme was very much approved of, and that chalking your guests was con- sidered a decidedly genteel and elegant way of effecting an introduction. The dinner had been named for five o'clock, by which time the last of the visitors— No. 53, next to the salt cellar — had dropped in. For half-an hour afterwards, every one was too busily engaged in deciphering his GOVERNOR OP CACONA. neighbor's back and shoulders to show any impatience for dinner. Starting from that time, however, the excite- ment began to subside, and with it the appetiles of the invited ones to grow keener. There was, I could per- ceive, a general reference to watches, and a comparison of time-pieces, which indicated the thoughtful interest the expected meal was exciting. "Nearly six. Governor," at length observed a long hungry looking gentleman— marked " No. 10 to the left of the carrots,''—" you are a leetle after the hour." " I'm really very sorry," I observed,—" but—" " Oh, don't say anything about it, Governor : I shouldn't have mentioned it only we are so very regular at home, and I didn't take any lunch in the morning." I must say I began to be anxious for the announce- ment of dinner myself. It was now within a few minutes of six, and for the last half-hour I had seen no signs of any of the " Cabinet." The signs of impatience amongst the guests also began to grow less equivocal. As a general thing, they had all given up talking, and sat upright on the benchea which had been placed round the sides of the room, looking at me with a fixed hungry look, which, to say the least, was anything but pleasant. Still time went on. Six and half-past sJx, and still no signs of Bullyman or the dinner. Little as I generally desired the presence of my Ministry, I felt that I would willingly give a quarter's salary for a sight of even Fester's gloomy visage. As I glanced round the room, I was struck with the cold altered air of my visitors. The band of the Harmonious Suckers, instead of rending the air with their melodies, were as mute as death, each man standing behind his instrument looking freezingly at me, as if he could eat me. When I withdrew my gaze from the hungry musicians, it was only to encoun- ter the sharp swords and appetites of the ferocious Go-at- 'em-boys, whose countenances— solemn and sad — secretly r 1^ HOW I GAME TO BE upbraided me. On all sides, in short, there were eullen looks, and impatient geslmes, with low whis- perings, rising like the ominous roar which precedes a hurricane, and gives warning of something terrible which is coming. As seven o'clock struck, Capt. Scroggins let his sword fall heavily on the floor, and the big drum of the Har- monious Suckers emitted a hollow groan which dis- tinctly indicated the uncomfortable state of its owner's stomach. I felt now that matters were coming to a crisis, and glanced round imploringly at Pinkerton, who stood by my side the very picture of dinnerless despair. " It's a d — d shame !" exclaimed at length some half dozen persons in different parts of the room. " I should like to know. Governor," said a voice which I recognised as that which had spoken earlier in the evening — " I should like to knov/ whether there is any chance of our getting dinner to-day. My card, (and he pulled out a dirty-looking piece of paste-board) says five precisely, and I ain't eaten a morsel since morning. If there ain't any victuals to be got, why say so. We ain't particular for an hour or so ; but if there's going to be any dinner at all, it's my opinion it ought to be ready by this time." " Dinner ! dinner ! dinner !" shouted the united com- pany, at the end of tiiis speech — " Let's have dinner." " Up with the dinner !" " What the devil are they doing with the dinner !" "Gentlemen," J exclaimed, (for I felt the matter was growing serious) " I am really unable to account for this singular delay. The Hon. Mr. Bullyman, who has charge of the dinner arrangements, must have met, I fear, with an accident : but with your permission, I will send my aide-de-camp to enquire into the cause of his ab- sence. Mr. Pinkerton, will you be kind enough to des- GOVERNOR OP CACONA. »1 cend to the kitchen, ind enquire of the Hon. Attorney rJeneral when we are likely to dine." "Ibeg your Excellency's pardon," observed Captain Scroggins, laying his hand at the same time martially on the hilt of his sabre—*- 1 beg to propose an amend- ment. I vote we all go." "Certainly," exclaimed fifty hungry voices— "we'll all go. D— n Bullyman, what does he mean by keeping us waiting for dinner !" Accordingly, there was an immediate move made to the door. Captain Scroggins put himself at the head, and proffering me his arm, we all descended to the kitchen. Long before we reached that mysterious laboratory, the struggle of conflicting odors became oppressively dis- tinct. The smell of burnt pig was particularly promi- nent, and called forth a general remark among the guests that " Bullyman had been singeing the crack- ling." There were also faint indications of ipple-pie and garlic, and a decided flavor of brandy. We had some difficulty in getting down the dark stair-case which led to the kitchen, but had finally nearly overcome the difliculties which Captain Scroggins' aword was constantly throwing in our way, when a ter- rific crash, followed by the most frightful yells, pro- claimed that some fearful catastrophe had taken place in the culinary department. What this was, a few minutes sufiieed to explain. On entering the kitchen, the first thing which met my view was the extended form of Mr. Buster, lying among what I had no difficulty in recognising as the ruins of the long expected dinner. His head was softly pillowed on a dish of mashed turnips — two or three little pigs seemed to have sought refuge in his ministerial bosom, whilst around and about him were a small army of cab- bages, potatoes, and dumplings, swimming in a river of ■Is -^ HOW I CABIE TO BE eavoiiry sauces. Standing over him— Ihe picture of ven- geance 9nd wrath— with a mincing knife uplifted in one hand, and a soup ladle In the other— w&s the fiery form of Mr. Bullyman, whilst looking on in evident conster^ nation and despair were Messrs. Shanks, Polls Pepper, and the rest of ihe Cabinet. " For God sake, gentlemen," I exclaimed, as soon as I could sufHcienlly recover from my surprise to speak — " For God saKe, what is the cause of this singular scehc. Mr. Bullyman, I call on you to explain." "They are all drank !'* said Caplain Scroggins, em- phatically— " the Minisliy is intoxicated." " You are a liar, Scrogs," gasped out Mr. Bullyman, shaking the mincing knife ferociously at his martial ac- cuser — " ihe reason is all about that miserable vagabond there"— (pointing to the prostrate form of Busier) — " he would have mince-meat pies served up with roast veal, and brandy sauce poured over cold gander ; but I'll teach him" — and he aimed a blow at his shrinking colleague with the ladle, which might have been fatal if it had not been intercepted by the drawn sword of Captain Scroggins. " But where is the dinner," enquired half-a-dozen hungry voices— " where is Ihe dinner, Bullyman?" " The dinner," said Bullyman, looking sorrowfully round on the fragments — "the dinner, ah, where is the dinner? Don't you smell the frig ? The crackling was a little burnt, to be sure, but still it v/ould have been beautiful. Then there was the plum-pudding ; that's it over there, (pointing to a mess of queer-looking stuff sticking against the wall.)— It wasn't a bad aim for Bus- ter, was it ? If that pudding had only been boiled for two hours longer, what a dish it would have been ! Just smell that," and he scooped up some liquid from the floor with his ladle, and pushed it under Captain Scrog- gins' nose, — " there was a sauce to gladden the heart of a Sucker !" GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 93 " Nonsense, Bullyman," exclaimed Captain Scro^j^^ina petulanlly-" what's the use of making a speech ; why don't you serve up the dinner?" ^ "Serve up the dinner!" echoed Mr. Bullyman sadly No dinner to-day, Scroggy ! Buster has done for the dinner! Only to think that the hopes of the Suckers should be smashed up in this manner ! If you had seen how he upset the table and the dishes, and made snow- balls of the puddings, you would retire for ever from the public service. But it's useless to disguise the truth Scrogs. There ain't no dinner to-day ; you'd better take' a drink round and be off. We'll send the fragments over to the Blue Boar, if you like, and you can take a pick there. But the Cabinet's dissolved and done up for There isn't a member of the Ministry that has got any appetite, and we are all going home to mourn over the fallen hopes of our country." It would be vain to attempt to describe the consterna- tion this announcement caused amongst the guests. The indignation against Buster at one time warmed into open violence, and several polatoeswere aimed at that gentle- man, as he 'ay on his back amidst the ruins he had caused, apparently quite indifferent to all that was pass- ing around. After a time, however, this feeling passed away, and as it was evident that Mr. Bullyman only spoke the truth, it was thought best to adjourn at once to the Blue Boar, where the fragments of the feast were ordered to be sent to. I was strongly pressed to form one of the party, but resolutely declined. 1 learnt, how- ever, afterwards, that the entertainment passed off' much better than had been expected, and that in the oceans of wine furnished by the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper, the un- pleasant events of the first part of the evening were al- most entirely forgotten. The cause of the catastrophe had been correctly stated by Mr. Bullyman. A dispute having arisen between «4 HOW I CAME TO BB Mr. Buster and himself on the propriety of having mince pies served up with roast veal, and brandy sauce poured over cold gander, the former gentleman had, in the heat of ihe dispute, upset the table on which the principal part of the long-expected dinner had been placed. Enraged at the destruction of so much of his skill and labour, the Attorney General was provoked to cast a dish of dump- lings at the head of his delinquent associate, who imme- diately retorted with the plum-pudding, and thereupon a battle royal ensued, ending with the overthrow of Buster and ihe complete demolition oi the dinner. I expected of course, that the affray would lead to a break up of the Cabinet ; but in this I was disappointed. Buster told me afterwards he fully expected Bullyman would have re- signed, and Mr. Bullyman, in the same spirit of con- fidence, expressed his astonishment to me that Buster could be mean spirited enough to remain in office after what had occurred. Beyond these remarks no notice was taken of the affair^ and the Sucker party seemed to be as confident, ai buoyant, and as jolly as ever. OOVaRNOR OP CACONA. CHAPTER XI. In rybicb I hear from on old acquaintance, and hare an interview witb a great railroad contractor. HE day after the event last recorded, I receiv- ed a number of des- patches and papers from the Colonial Office. On looking over them, I fou'-'^ that although full of the most con- tradictory suggestions, they generally ended by refer- ing everything to my own discretion, and that the more I studied them, the more confused my ideas of Colonial Government grew. Amongst them was a letter from my old friend Mr. Wolfe, which was so characteristic, that I cannot do less than submit a copy to the reader : — Colonial Office, September 184 . To the Governor of the Cacona Island, Most respected Sir, Things having been sa busy here, is a reason I have not written before to say how happy we all is to hear of your Excellency's p iccess, and what a capital Governor you are making. Every one thinks here that Cacona is going to be the happiest island on the face of the earth, in which case there will be a Peerage for sumbody. We have been very busy raakin constitutions since your Ex- cellency left, and has not got through yet, the West In- 96 HOW I CAME TO BE gies not being suited to their liking. There ain't nothing which siiows more how contrary human natur is. We had seventeen shies at Newfoundland before things would answer at all, but Lord John thinks now that he has got hold of the pill which will suit. Cocona, however, is the great Model at the Colonial Olfice just now. I heard His Lordship say yesterday that that Island was going to astonish the world. He thinks Mr. Bullyman the greatest statesman of the age, and there is a report since yesterday of a Nighthood. When your Excel- lency writes, I should like to know about the Sweet. which IS my sister's own child, and very clever for his age. If he should want any new boots, which is likely, being hard upon leather, if your Excellency will advance out of the public chest, I will see it made good. Also remember me to your Excellency's Sec, which is cer- tainly the most promising gent. I ever met in my life, and iikely to be a great blessing to the Colonies. Please tell him to wear a rabbit skin over his chesty which is good for asthma. Hoping your Excellency will keep your health and spirits, I am your Excellency's Devoted humble Servant, John Wolfe. P. S. Please tell John, his Aunt Marcy is gone— to heaven we hope, but nothing certain. Also, that the black-muzzled terrier bitch pupped nine in the head clerk's velvet cap, being at the time in the Private See's Office. I had just got through this singular epistle, when Pinkerton came to announce that the Council was sitting. There was a stranger, he said, who had something to propose, about which Mr. Shanks and Mr. Bullyman could not agree. w GOVERNOR OP CACONl. •t I accordingly hurried in, and found tlie stranger in question, who was introduced by Mr. Shanks as Mr. Sleeper, the great railroad contractor. He was a tall person, with a remarkably shrewd expression of counte- nance, and reminded me of one of the " detectives" of London. " We are going right into railroads, your Excellency,'* said Mr. Shanks, rubbing his hands briskly. « My friend. Sleeper, is prepared to run a line from Antioch to Jericho. A splendid opportunity for the commerce of the country !" " From Antioch to Jericho ! But isn't there the ca- nal ?» " Certainly there is," said Bullyman ; " the canal does'nt pay a copper : what's the use then of building a railroad? It's all gammon !" " My dear, Mr. Attorney General," said Mr. Sleeper, with a most amiable smile, and speaking in the softest tone, " I'm afraid you are sadly behind the spirit of this gigantic age, otherwise you could not fail to be aware that the only way to make the canal pay is to build the railroad." " Well, I'm sure I don't see how that can be," ob- served Mr. Bullyman, sulkily. "Perhaps not, perhaps not," continued Mr. Sleeper, with a graceful wave of the hand, " but I do, I do. I have studied the matter, my dear Mr. Attorney General, and ray experience satisfies me of the fp^t. For instance, there was the Potsdam and Pendul lu turnpike road, which never paid a farthing till they built the Thunder' drum railroad close along side of it What was the re- sult? The turnpike trustees got so enraged that they immediately took to driving coaches all day long lived literally on stages, and at the end of the year paid a splendid dividend to each other. How many families are there upon the line of Canal ?" 6 :| i ■ 96 HOW I CAME TO BE If " Eight," 8aid Mr. Bullyman, " besides old Fetch-and- carry, ihe blind fiddler, who oi.ly travelH with his dog." " Quite sufficient to pay a handsome profit," said Mr. Sleeper. "Those families at present do not come to Jericho more than once a-\veek probably ?" " Not that," said Mr. Bullyman. " Dodds told me the other day he had only been in once for three years, and then it was on an extraordinary occasion, such as pelting a Governor." " No matter, no matter," observed Mr. Sleeper, with another eloquent sweep of the hand. " We'll manage Dodds — we'll make him come. Build your railroad, and you will find that the incarnate demon of travel will seize upon every one of those families. It is a law of rail- roads. Give six members to each family— six multiplied by eight makes forty-eight. [I believe that is correct, Mr. Bullyman?]— Let each soul take three trips a-day — and they can't prevent themselves from taking less, if they tiy, and what is the amount of your profits? Enor- mous, Sir, positively enormous. I declare, your Excel lency, my imagination grows heated with the prospect." " Bah !" said Mr. Bullyman, contemptuously : " And what's to become of the canal ? If all the travel goes by the railroad, where's the canal, I'd like to know ?" " Not all the travel," said Mr. Sleeper, sweetly : " I did not say all the travel, Mr. Attorney General ; you will observe that I did not include the violinist in my calculation, nor his faithful dog. But besides that, there is the luggage. All railroad experience goes to show that freight is aquatic, and naturally takes to the water. Of course all the passengers will go by the railroad, but Mr. Attorney General, it is just as sure as that that glorious luminary (pointing in a direction where Mr. Sol cer- tainly did not happen to be) will rise from its bed of roses to-morrow, that their trunks will go by the canal. In short, I do not hesitate to repeat that a more splendid » OOYEBNOB OF CACONA. 99 investment for all partins than the Antioch and Jencho Railroad, was never offered to public competition." " And at what do you estimate the cost, Mr. Sleeper," I enquired, not at all taken with the glowing picture. '* Cost, your Excellency ! Pardon me, but that is a word not to be found in the railroad vocabulary. The greater the cost, the greater the profit. All railroad ex- j. rience goes to show that the more you pay out, the more you get in. If I lend your Excellency twopence, your Excellency only expects twopence in return; but if I give you £100,000, of course I expect to get a large amount of interest back with my money." " Yes, but expectations are not always answered, and men sometimes sow where they do not reap Mr. Sleeper." " Quite a fallacy, I assure your Excellency, as far as railroads are concerned." " Well," said Bullyman, " the matter will have to be talked of in full Council. Buster isn't here, and the un- derstanding is, that no money is to be voted without the whole council are present. I can't make out how mak- ing a railroad is to cause the canal to pay, and I suspect it will cost a plaguy lot of money anyhow, and money is a scarce artide with Colonists." As my views this time entirely coincided with ihose of the Attorney General, Mr. Sleeper took his departure, and the Council soon after broke up. The subject was, however, brought up a few days afterwards in full Council by Mr. Bullyman himself, who, to my surprise, told me that, on thinking over the matter, he had come to the conclusion that the railroad wasn't such a bad idea after all. " What I objected to," said that gentleman, " was stopping at Antioch, but now we've arranged to make it a Grand Trunk Line, to run right through the Island— in at one end, you know, and slap out at the other. It will develope the resouices of 100 HOW I CAME TO BB th! >j CHAPTER XII. Showing how my Oouncil decide upon making a number of Sucker appoint- ments, with other matters of startling interest. HAVE said nothing yet about the amount of correspondence which I was now daily re- ceiving, and which occasion- ed both Pinkerton and myself no little perplexity. Memo- rials for the redress of griev- ances, and applications for offices, furnished by far the greater portion of this. Not knowing how to dispose of them, I laid them before Mr. 'Bullyman, and asked his advice. "Oh," said that gentleman, glancing his eyes over the letters which Pinkerton had piled up on the Council table, "this will have to be looked to. The fact is, Governor, our party has been so long out of office, that they are grou n pretty hungry. If you shut up your ratters for a week without food, and then show 'em a good fat car- (;ase, they'll raise a pretty loud howl, won't they ? Well, that's just how it is in Cacona. The Suckers ain't had a smell of the good things for a long time. The Bull- frogs swallowed up every thing, and now our friends have got a chance, they are so precious ravenous, that they'll devour your Excellency and all your Cabinet if we don't satisfy 'em." GOYEBNOB OP CACONA. 106 "But is it possible to satisfy them?" I asked, pointing to the huge pile of letters. "It has to be done," replied Mr. Bullyman,—" patriots can t be kept waiting : The machinery which wovks po- pular Government must be kept greased, or it '11 eo to pieces.'* ^ "But there are some three hundred applications; surely it won't be possible to entertain the whole of that number." " I don't know that," said Mr. Bullyman. « If a situa- tion's asked for, it's a pretty good sign it's wanted. However, we'll see about that when we meet." Accordingly, there was a meeting of the CouncU that afternoon, at which all the Ministry were present, and the correspondence having been produced, Mr. Bully- man and Mr. Shanks proceeded to go over it, the rest of the Cabinet looking quietly on. " Now, then," said the former gentleman, at length,— " here they are,~everything regular and in order. First, there's Dowkings, Stitcher, and Strut, all think they would like situations in the Customs. Dowking's father has always voted for the Sucker candidate, and don't thmk he's been well used by the party. Stitcher's aunt commands two votes, and Strut's quite sure that if he gets the situation he can bring over six Bullfrogs. No objection to that, I suppose, Gentlemen-carried unani- mously, of course. Next comes old Growler : says he's got the rheumatiz, and ain't fit for active service : Would like to have something to do, where he might sit still all day, and not be disturbed of nights. Highly recommend- ed by fifteen leading Suckers, besides a private letter from Gmmp, threatening to go over to the enemy if he ain't provided for. What shaU we do for Growler^ give him a turnpike ?" " A turnpike's too hard," observed Mr. Buster. « He might be peraur ed to get up in the night, and over- ii' f 106 HOW I CAME TO BE p p. I,. I 1^ exert himself in opening the gate ; besides, it's fatiguing handing out so much change. Why not make him a policeman ?'* " Aye that's it," said Mr. Shanks : " that'll just suit. All he will have to do will be to sit on a door step when the sun's out, and go home when it rains !" So Growler was set down for a policeman. " Well, then," continued Mr. BuUyman — " Here's Whitehead and Smithson — have come to the conclusion that they won't have any objection to take charge of the Antioch post-office." " Smithson !" observed Mr. Potts Pepper, — " isn't he in the jug?" " Of course he is, and we are going to get him out. A dark conspiracy, your Excellency, against one of our rising men. They pretended that he had robbed the mail, just because he happened to mistake the Antioch letter bag for his wife's portmanteau !" " But I suppose he was honorably acquitted ?" " Not a bit of it. He's in jail now. You see it hap- pened just on the eve of a contested election, and they wanted to get him out of the way. But we've got to show the country that the day's gone by when popular champions can be annoyed in this way, and that's why we must give him a post-office appointment — It'll have an effect I" " I didn't see it in that light," observed Mr. Potts Pep- per — " Proceed !" " Mustard and Sligo," continued Mr. BuUyman, " ap- ply for something light and easy. Mustard would have no objection to the Secretary's office, but requires a larger grate put into the Clerk's room. Sligo lost his eye at the last election, and thinks he ought to have a pension, but as the principles of the Government don't admit pensions, I've made a memorandum that he's to have an extra £50 put on to his salary, to find him in spectacles." OOVEBNOB OP CACONA. 107 A murmur of approval from my CouncU marked iheir acquiescence in this arrangement. " Next is an application from Mr. PhiUimore Fustian, author of the famous anti-Bullfrog letters, which created such a tremendous sensation. Thinks he would have no objection to be appointed Inspector of Licenses, or else made a Judge. He has sent a copy of his letters-also an Ode, entitled "The Rising of the Suckers," dedicated to Patrick Bullyman, Esquire. How about this applica- tion ?" Fustian is a most extraordinary man," observed Fester, « and would make a capital judge. At the pre- sent, with the exception of Mousetrap, there isn't a Sucker voice on the Bench." " Is the gentleman a lawyer .?" I asked. " Not artificially," said Mr. Bullyman, " but naturally. He IS like Mousetrap. You couldn't make Mousetrap an artificial lawyer ; you couldn't bind him down with your rules of practice and decisions of Courts. If you say to Mousetrap « that thing has been decided,' he asks you—* who decided it ?— An erring creature like myself ; a thousand erring creatures— nineteen million and a half of fallible men, it may be ! But shall I be bound by fallibility? Shall error say to Mousetrap— * this is law, * this is Precedent.' What is Precedent ? Has Precedent a conscience like Mousetrap ? Can it see, can it speak, can it feel .? Why then then should Mousetrap yield his reason to Precedent? How do I know that Precedent isn't an impostor ? Why mayn't I try Precedent, as I try any other suspected person? What is to keep me, Mousetrap, from looking Precedent in the face, and tel- ling it that it is a humbug ? Why should Precedent build up a cage and say to Mousetrap, * remain in there.' But Mousetrap won't remain in there : Mousetrap will jump out of the cage ; he will escape from Precedent ; he will shake bis fist at Precedent j he will laugh in Precedent's *■ I: 108 HOW I CAMS TO BB u 1*1 * face ; he will scratch Precedent's nose ; he will make war, terrible war, against Precedent !'• Now, that's the kind of a judge we want. Governor: none of your worn out nonsense about reports, and cases, and rules, but just, pure, unadulterated, warranted to be genuine equity, and straight up and down Sucker justice." As Mr. BuUyman's opinions on this point were entirely coincided in by my council, Mr. Fustian was put on the list for a judgeship. " Now," said the Attorney General, " here's Slash- er »»» At the announcement of this name, there was quite a " waking up" amongst the members of the Cabinet, which manifested itself by one or two decided " hurras,'' and a general clapping of hands. " Slasher," observed Mr. BuUyman, addressing him- self to me, " is our great electioneering agent : It was he who won the last Jericho contested election." " How was that ?" I asked. " Oh, it was a very clever thing ; quite a remarkable incident in the annals of our country. You must know, your Excellency, that it was a very severe contest. At four o'clock on the last day, the votes stood : — Stitchem (Bullfrog,) 361 Wackem (Sucker,) 360 and not another vote to be got. Our last attempts had been two patients out of the Lunatic Asylum, but when we got them up to the poll, they would insist on voting for the Archbishop of Canterbury, and so that wouldn't do. Well, we were about to give it up, when Slasher came into the room, * surrender,* says he — * gammon ! — *It moat be admitt«d that Mousetrap is not alone in hii epinions, but has, in flMtt, high aqUiof ity od his side. We are told by the Biographer of Judge Jeffreys, of huuuuie memory, that he had a most profound contempt for precedent, and was wont to say " he bad as good right to make a precedent as any of his predecessors" — Life of Jefflreys, by Humphrey W. Wooh-ycb. JBEtS- GOVERNOR OP CACONA. too How many more ■. oies do you want ?' * Two/ says the Chairman, * to win.' ' Two votes,' well, I've got 'em. 'What do you say to Mrs. Grunter's two twins?' Now, Mrs Grunter, your Excellency, is a respectable middle-aged lady who lives by her mangle, and whenever anything of a domestic nature happens in that house, it is sure to be twins. « How old are the juveniles ?' asks the Chair- man. 'Oh, they ain't particularly venerable,' says Slasher, ' you may call them six months and some days ' 'That's rather young,' says the Chairman ; ' I am afraid there's a chance that our unscrupulous opponents might object to them as minors.' Not at all,' says Slasher. Im not afraid of their age—what I'm afraid of is the oaths ; but make the job worth £50, and I'll do it.' Well your Excellency, the thing was agreed to, and Slasher went off to make the arrangements to bring up the voters. At first Mrs. Grunter was a little alarmed, but at length she consented. ' I'm Sucker,' says she, ' to the bone of my stays ; just wait till I nurse 'em, and then I dedicate them to Wackem and my country.' A beautiful senti- ment, your Excellency, and strongly indicative of the tremendous hold our principles have on the maternal minds of the country. So Slasher puts the lady into a close carriage along with the voters, and off they drove as hard as they could to the poll. They had to stop two or three times on the way to give the young electors the bottle, so that they didn't arrive till just as the Returning Officer was about to close the poll, amid the triumphant shouts of the Bullfrogs. ' Halloo,' says Slasher, driving up very smart, ' what's all this about ? I'd thank you, gentle- men, not to make such a noise, else you'll disturb the two sick persons inside, who are come up to vote for my particular friend, Mr. Wackem.» You may imagine, your Excellency, what a sensation this announcement occasioned. At first, the Bullfrogs made a rash round the carriage to get a sight of the voters, but Captain no HOW I CAME TO BE Scroggins* men, who had been sent on express, kept them off with their swords, and hustled the poor Return- ing Officer so, that he was just frightened out of his wits. * Now then,' says Slasher, putting himself right in front of the window, so that no one could see who was inside, * who has got anything to say to the voters.' * I have,' cried Stichem's agent out of the crowd— * what's their qualification?' * Property qualification.' * Don't they pay any rent ?' * Dev?Va-bit.' * Well, that seems all right,' says the Returning Ofllicer, who was very uneasy and wanted to go home to his supper. * I don't know that,' says the agent, ♦ put the oath against bribery.* So they handed up the book to Slasher, who dropped it into the bottom of the carriage, and then the Returning Officer read the oath all smoothly enough, till he came to the last line, when one of the young electors (who was beginning to get thirsty again,) set up such an infernal yell as made the people standing round suppose that some one was going to be murdered. * What's that ?* says the agent, ' that sounds like a baby !* * It's the poor man groaning at your barbarous conduct in keeping him here, when he wants to go home to expire,' says SI asher — * the Society for preventing cruelty to animals ought to know of it, and if they don't take it up, the Government must.* So the result was, your Excellency, that the twins both voted, and Wackem came in at the head of the poll. Wasn't that clever ?'* " Very clever indeed ! And what do you propose to do with this gentleman ?*' ** Well,'* said Bullyman thoughtfully—" that*s given me a good deal of difficulty, but finally I*ve come to the conclusion that we can't do better than make him Secre- tary to the Purity of Election Fund, which we are going to establish !** It was unanimously agreed that this appointment would exactly suit Mr. Slasher, and in this way the OOVEBIfOR OP CACOKA. 111 whole of the applications were favoumbly dispo^TdTr except two-one from a widow woma„^ith^^L„ ehildren whose petiti. ,, ,o be appointed to the situation of honse-kcepe, to the Roundabout was reje ,ted becaZ he, son an urchin of seven years of age,) iad omi ed^ hdloo at the ..me of my triumphal entry, and the other! which was from a decayed merchant aslcing for a clerk- ship, on the ground that he had not subscribed to a pub- lic testimonial to purchase Mr. Buster a tea-pot. mo,« ,7^ t'* **'• ^fy"""'-" "■«-'» only one thing more to be do.ne.-we've got to hang somebody. The Bullfrogs hung a Sucker when they were in office, and mere s a general opinion amongst our friends outside that we otight to hang a Bullfrog. IVe told the jailor to come up with a list of all the prisoners under his ca,« and we will just go over it and see who's to be the favored mdividual. Now, gentlemen, attention if you please we don .get achance to hang a political opp^nen.'^every day in the week !" ^ Thus admonished, the Council became very grave whilst Mr. Bullyman proceeded to run over the list! This consisted of a considerable number of offences, some of high magnitude, such as shooting with intent to kill arson, forging, mutilating cattle, &c, &c. It happened! however, that the parties in all these cases were ascer- tamed to the Suckers, so that hanging was out of the question The consequence was that Mr. Bullyman got to the end of the Kst without having passed sentence of death upon any one. "Well, now, that's awkward," he observed, after the merits of the different culprits had been fuUy canvassed, and each in his turn declared to be unworthy of the high honor of hanging.-" The countiy's getting too virtuous by half. I'm afraid we shall have to advertise for some- one ! Is this aU you have under your charge, Mr. Turn- key ?" ' \t HI HOW I CAME TO DB ** Yes, your Monor," replied the parly designated, who had been ln ui ndf^'H.o during the nujuiry — " all except old '^i'Arp, ilu k ' grinder, who was taken up drunk lastnigijl ^iKi put no gaol, U*' luse they did'nt know where cUti to put him. ' " aid Sharp," said Mr. Bullyman eagerly—" he's a Bullff.^, aim he ?" " 1 tluiok he is, your Honor . Vm lo*d he always votes the blue iicket. ' " That'll do," said Mr. Bullyman—" we'll hang him. You can call at the chaplain's as you go home, and tell him to be ready for Friday !" " Whatl" I exclaimed, horrified at this cold blooded proposition, " hang a man without trial. I'll never con- sent to such a proceeding." " It's to satisfy the party," said Mr. Bullyman dog- geaiy—" we must satisfy the party. It's generally ex- pected that a Bullfrog will be hung, and our friends won't be satisfied without it. If your Excellency objects ^ old Sharpe, however, we must wait for some one else, Uiough it's a decided mistake, and will spoil the " effect." I need hardly say that I did object, aiKi have the con- solation at least of knowing that during my short admin- istration, the unfortunate knife grinder was not sacrificed to the political calculations of my ministers, and that equality of hanging was not established between the Slickers and Bullfrogs. OOTERNOR OF CACONA. Ill CHAPTER XIIl. Showing b> V I prooMd on my torir. '1:^-'<«a&C^) ^^Y^^a 1<0W found 1 nt mydu.Ms had , commenced in good earnest. For ithe next five or six days my Ministers gave me hardly any rest >an(l I was nearly fagged to death listening to them, and signing the papers they put before me. A great number of these were for , llie dismissal of the obnoxious Hullfrogs, and the appointment of Suckers in their places. The amount of patronage thus placed in the hands of the Government was im- mense, for it would seem that nearly all th« principal offices had been filled by the proscribed party. Amongst fthe names which more than once occurred in connec- I tion will) these dismissals, was that of Mr. Grey, whose . disgrace seemed to afford the greatest delight to Mr Bullyman and his friends. « Confound the old vaga- bond, said that gentleman, as he ran his eye ovei a paper in which I had just signified Her Majesty's pleasure to remove the party in question from his office of Justice of the Peace, " it is time he was gone. What with his son-in-law, and the rest of his relatives, he's had his pick of the l)est things in the country. But the time's past for that now, and he'll have to eat humble pie like the rest of them. *• F need hardly say that I did not at all participate in this feeling. On the contrary, my conscience whispered to me, that in removing Mr. Grey I was sacrificing an honest man at the shrine of political expediency, and I 114 HOW I CAME TO BE sighed heavily whilst I did it, ! could not help discover- ing either that this wholesale proscription was by no means unanimously approved of. Whilst taking a drive with Mr. Bullyman, an evening or two afterwards, on pass- ing what seemed to be a public news-room or Exchange, an indignant hiss was set up by a number of persons ; and on returning a rotten egg was thrown, which struck the At- torney General in the eye, and put him inatcrriblc passion. These indications, though treated with indifference by my Ministers, were not lost upon me, and increased the anxiety I began to feel as to my actual position. One thing which more particularly alarmed me, was the rapid mani.er in which the £250,000 loan was being taken up. Thus, in addition to t!ie sums already mentioned, a war- rant had been issued for £15,000 in favor of Mr. Shanks, for a Purity of Election Fund ; another £12,000 had come to Mr. Bullyman as a bounty for the encouragement of the Tommy Cod fisheries, in which that gentleman's con- stituents were largely interested : and £5000 had also got into Mr. Fester's hands, ostensibly for the purpose of surveying Mud Harbour Creek, but in reality, I suspected, for some political object connected with that person's election. The dismissals having been got through, the elections now formed the great object of discussion with my Mi- nisters. It was necessary that all these gentlemen should get seats in the Roundabout, and from what I could learn, considerable apprehension was felt by some of them on that score. Mr. Fester, in particular, seemed very nerv- ous. Notwithstanding the great popularity and influence he represented himself to possess, I learn from Mr. Biil'y- man that it was a very great question whether he was going to get in. It appeared that a Mr. Vaughan, a son- in-law of Mr. Grey, was his opponent, and that the Bullfrogs were exerting themselves to the utmost to pre- vent his return. Mr. Shanks, who was the Sucker can- if U,<.*iWll OOVERNOR OP CACONA. 115 didate for Antioch, was also quaking in his shoes ; and tiie same was the case with Mr. Ferrit and Mr. Mites. Indeed, the only person who appeared to be quite at his ease was Mr. Bullyman himself, who represented, asl have already intimated, a small fishing town, largely inter- ested in the Tommy Cod Bounty, and whose friends declared, that they would carry him to the devil and Dr Faustus (much less into Parliament) if it was considered desirable. In this state things were, when, on the twelfth day after the appointment of my Ministry, I set out with Mr. Bully- man on the proposed tour through the Island. For this purpose, Uiat enterprising gentleman had procured the loan of a stage coach, the inside of which he crammed with all kinds of eatables and drinkables, whilst we (hat IS he and I, with a dirty-looking driver) look up our places on the roof. Pinkerton, it had been decided, should remain behind to perform certain duties Mr. Shanks undertook to find for him, and as to Mr. Wolfe, I had not set eyes on him since the night of the ball. The first stopping place marked out on "our route, was a small town about twenty miles from Jericho, where Mr Bullyman informed me he expected to be received by a large party of his political friends. Accordingly, after travelling nearly all day through most wretched roads we found ourselves towards night-fall on the outskirts' of this place, and Mr. Bullyman (who had been asleep for the last two or three hours) was beginning to show Higns of renewed animation, when all of a sudden a horseman rode up, and addressing Mr. B.. informed him that the BuUirogs were out in great force, and were deter- mined not to allow us to enter the place. The Suckers »e said had been beaten and dispersed, and he himself had had great diificulty in escaping from their clutches, lie advised us, therefore, cither to return to Jericho or to proceed to Poker, a small village some ten miles 116 HOW I CAME TO BE s off, where he thought no interraption would be ofFered to us. Mr. Bullyman swore horribly on hearing this news, and at first declared that he would proceed in spite of all the Bullfrogs in the Island ; but after a few minutes he cooled down, and finally (having in the meantime emp- tied the best part of a bottle of brandy with the new comer,) determined that we should strike off as proposed, and make the best of our way to Poker. By this time it had grown quite dark, and as neither Mr. Bullyman nor the driver was particularly sober, there was considerable danger of our losing our way, or end- ing ihe journey in a ditch. It had begun to rain hard also, and as we dragged our way through the wretched roads, it would be impossible to conceive a more uncom- fortable party. At length, after about four hfmrs weary wandering, we reached Poker, which was a long strag- gling line of houses, situated on the banks of a canal. A solitary light burning in a window indicated the village inn, and driving into the yard, Mr. Bullyman and myself dismounted, and shaking the wet from our garments, entered the house. We were met on the threshold by a thick-set sturdy-looking man, who replied in a some- what surly tone to our salutations, but finally con- ducted us into a comfortable-looking apartment, in which a bright fire was burning. "That's what I call snoozy," said my companion, presenting as much of himself as he conveniently could to the flames—" that's what I call snug ; just bring in those hampers, will you, old Rough-head, and we'll see if we can't make a night of it." There was some delay in executing Mr. Bullyman's order, which that gentleman bore with a very ill-grace. At length, however, the hampers made their appearance, and Mr. Bullyman (having in the meantime taken off his boots and shifted his outside apparel) set too to make the GOVERNOR OP CACONA. w necessary preparations for what he styled a regular « ioUv blowout," He had made coiisiderable progress in .ais and was inviting me to draw up my chair, when all of a lud- den we heard the noise of voices outside, followed by a loud rapping at the door. " VVhat the devil's that ?" asked Mr. Bullyman, letting drop his knife and fork, and turning very pale. Before this question could be determined, the knocking was repeated, accompanied this lime with a peremptory demand for admission. " VVho are you ?» asked a voice, which I recognised as that of our landlord,-" What do you want here ?" It s me -Jem Watson : there's twenty or thirty of us. We have followed Bullyman and the Governor all the way from Cramp Village ; open the door, will you, for we're freezing with cold." " What's that he says ?" asked the owner of the house mriung round towards us as he spoke. " Do you know any thing of the men he speaks of? Are you— "and he paused as he looked at me. "Yes," I said, disregarding a violent kick from Mr. Bullyman-" yes, I am the Governor, and I look to you to protect me from violence." "Look to me to protect you— look here," and he pointed to the copy of an 0(/icial Gazette, containing the dismis- sal of the Bullfrogs from office-" you turned me out of the situation I had held on the canal for twenty years, and why should i protect you?" "But" he added, after a short pause, and in a more res- pectful tone of voice, " you are the Queen's represen- tative (God bless her !) and though you had done me hliy times more wrong than you have, you should come to no harm under my roof. But as to you (turning to Bullyman, who was as white as a sheet,) you mean- spirited reptile, the devil of any protection shall you have. Here, your Excellency, be pleased to step up those stairs , J 118 HOW I CAME TO BE —you will find a room to your left; and you, Mr. Attorney General, look out and save your skin if you can. When I open that door, the Philistines be upon thee, BuUyman. Halloo, boys ! look sharp— you've run the fox to cover. Now, sir,— one— two— three— " and as he uttered the last word, he drew back the bolt with a crash. Mr. Bullyman did not wait for any further warning, but uttering a hideous yell, precipitated himself through a window on the opposite side of the room, and disappeared like a flash of lightning in the surrounding darkness. The next instant the room was filled with strangers, who, on perceiving what had happened, raised a loud " tally- hoo !" and followed in hot pursuit. Two or three only remained behind, who, after some conversation, carried on in a low tone with the landlord, also retired. As soon as quiet was restored, that person came to me, and asking me to follow him, led the way up stairs to a comfortable bed-room. " Your Excellency will excuse this rough treatment," he said, as he placed a candle on the table, " our people are rough, but they mean well, and yon are as safe here as if you were in the Govern- ment House at Jericho." Then bidding me a good night, he left me to my reflexions. The room was as clean as hands could make it, but invilinff as it looked, and worn out with fatigue as I was, I did not soon seek my couch. Opening the window, 1 could hear the cries of Mr. Bullyman's pursuers, and I dreaded the treatment he would receive at their hands. Presently, however, the cries ceased, and shortly after the party returned. From their conversation I gathered that they had not succeeded in finding the object of their search, and from other remarks, I became aware that they knew of my presence. Whilst listening to their whisperings, my body gradually yielded to the influence of sleep ; but my slumbers were uneasy and disturbed, so that at length I started up in the midst of a frightful GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 119 dream, with the sound of Mr. Bullyman's pursuers ring- mg again in my ears. The impression was so strong, that I sprung from my bed, and looking out of the window expected to see the unfortunate Sucker a captive in thJ hands of his enemies. But all was quiet there. The pale moon shone coldly on the canal, over which the reflexion of a solitary poplar tree only made dul- ness more melancholy. Assured that it was only my fancy which had deceived me, I therefore crept back to bed again, and this time slept soundly till morning. 120 HOW I CA.M& TO BE CHAPTER XIV. I leave Poker, and fall in with Mr. Bally man ; wo return to Jericho. w. HEN 1 awoke again, it was day-light, arid the owner of the house waa standing by my bed-side. " Excuse me," he said, respectfully, " but I thought your Excellency would want to be oft' early - breakfast is ready below, and the horses are in the carriage, so that there is nothing to detain you when you wish to take your departure," and ' then with a low bow he re- tired. Contrasting the conduct of this person with that of Mr. BuUyman's friends, the Suckers, I dres;«ed myself and proceeded down stairs, where I found a substantial breakfast set out in a little roon) off the one Mr. Bully- man and myself had occupied the previous evening. The only person I saw here was a neatly dressed young woman, whom I took to be the daughter of the landlord, and who was most assiduous in her attendance upon me. When the meal was over, this young person retired, and in a minute or two the landlord again made his appearance, to inform me the carriage was waiting. I thanked him for his attention, and wished him to accept a sum of money, but this he promptly refused. " It was not such accommodation," he said, " as he could have wished to have offered me. If he GOVEBNOR OP CACONA. Ul had known His Excellency was coming- i hat way, he would have been able, perhaps, to oo something*- belter. He hoped, however, I would not judge of the people of that part of the country from what I had aoen last night. The party who provoked the assault had richly deserved all he got, and u^as lucky to have escaped so easily as he had done." " Mr. BuUyman ihen," I observed, vvilh some embar- rassment, " has suffered no injury." "No, your Excellency, Old Nick, they say, >akcs care of his own. He managed io hide himself somewhere, and is, no doubt, a long way on his road back to Jericho before this." • [ felt it would not \xi wise to push my inquiries any further, and iherefore foHowed my host ;oIhe (ioor, before v/hich [ found a number of persons (the ^ame, I suspected, who had come in search of ns the previous evening,) waiting (o see me depart. They all raised their hats respectfully as I pass.'d, and xi.uilly alloN\ed me (after shaking hands warmly with tny host) to drive oil' in silence. With(»ut any inptruciions from me, the driver took the road leading back to Jericho. The morning was fme but keen, and ihs horses, refreshe(. b^. the night's rest, bound- ed forward at a nashini^ .ate, which brought the blood intomj cheeks. We had proceeded in this v/-.^ some five or six miles, wlien, on leaking ^ Uiarp turn in the road, we came «suddc, had kept Ijini from morning till night engaged in that business. Notwithstanding all this, and the free use which iiad beeii made of my name, it was not Pinkerton's opinion iliai the Sucker cause was improving. At a number of places wljere he and Mr. Fester Jiad pre- sented themselves, the inmates had slammed the doors in their faces, and at one house the contents of a dirty ewer had been emptied on their heads, and they had had to retreat hastily for fear of worse treatment. These things had served to impress Pinkerlon with the belief that the Suckers were not quite the all [jowerful party J\Ir. Bully- man and his friends represented them lo be, and rendered him very anxious to get out of their clutches. Of Mr. Fesier, lie had, as well as myself, a very great horror, representing him to be equally cowardly and mean in his nature. For his ability in lying, he referred me to several numbers of the Scorpian, in which l found the most unwarrantable use made of my name, mixed up with statements no less mendacious and impudent. Another circumstance on which Pinkerton dwelt, was the behaviour of Mr. Wolfe, junior, between that gentle- GOVERNOR OP CACONA. man and Mr. F^Mr. Vink^l^orm^;a'~r^o~7he mo« intimate relations seemed to exist : they were con- Bmntiy together, and, as Pinkerton bclievedf t" reZt our household was immediately reported to the editor of the Scorjnon. The e/Feot of this high alliance loo 1 ad htirin ••' in. salutary on Mr. v/olfe, uhocol d TeeX " ' '"'""'' '"" "^' "'^'^""'^ *^^^^^^« moTe"J"^"""''"" ^^^ ""'' "^^"»'«^' -"^"bnte to re- move my previous uneasiness, but only rendered me more anxious to get out of the hands of the Suekers. Of this, however, I saw little chance. On the contrarv every day the chain seemed to be drawn tighter round mT A. a Council which assembled the day after my return, the subject of the elections was brought under discussion and It was given as the unanimous opinioii that some! thing more was required to be done, to place the Sucker interest in a perfectly commanding position. What this something ' was, did not long remain secret. On the s«ggcst.onof Mr. Bnllyman, who had by this time re- covered all his wonted assurance, a very large sum was recommended to he expended in various patriotic schemes most prominent amongst which was a Sucker bakery for supplying bread to indigent Suckers, and a new sicker pZn^7' ""^"""'^^^^d ^^ith religious instruction, 4.10,000 more was also voted for the works at Mud Har- bour Creek ; £16,000 for the Grand Trunk Railroad, and a considerable sum for what Mr. Bnllyman called " fear of accidents Fund," and Mr. Shank's dignified with the name of " contingencies." It was in vain that I protested against each of these propositions; I was either met with a howl which frigh- tened me, or looks and sneers that maddened me, and in either case my protestations were disregarded. f 1t6 HOW I CAME TO BE To one proposition, liovvevor, I positively rofused to accedt; ; and that wuh a suggestion made by Mr. lUdly- man lliat I should issue a Froclamalion in the Queen's name, commanding all good subjecia to vote for the Sucker candidates, with a lurther promise of a copy of my portrait, nnd a shilling, to every one who obeyed the instructions. Although this might seem novel, Mr. BuUyman Maid he could prove to me that it was perfectly constitulional, and would be useful in removing an im- pression which exisled(and which was doing an immense deal of injury) that I did not go heart and hand with my Ministry. He appealed to his colleagues whether at this moment the great ditficulty they had to encounter, did not arise from this cause ? If the people only once knew that the Queen's Rrepresentative vvas really with ihem, he pledged his personal reputation it would have " an effect." To this I replied, by reminding Mr. Bullyman of all that I had done to assist himself and his political friends, even to yielding my opinions in matters which I feared my judgment did not always approve. As to this last request, nothing, 1 said, could induce mo to accede to it. As far as I was concerned, every man had a perfect right to vote as he thought lit, and it would be a gross act of impropriety in me to interfere either on one side or the other. This declaration was received with a very bad grace by my Ministers, and Mr. Fester remarked " that he had always suspected how it would be, and that he did not believe the time would ever arrive when Dowuing-street influence would not be at work to undermine the liberties of the country." After the Council had broken up, that gentleman made it a request to me that I would grant him the services of Mr. Wolfe, junior, during the election. He had, he said, formed a very high opinion of his abilities, particularly aOVERNOR OP OACOIfA. 127 in .he «rt of canv„,si.,^7~;~,;^7;;„,, „hibii.' won. Mr. McTighe, with whose daughter I had hn^ ti, lUtL hLt "'"""nstance, Mr. Fester fixed hie nasty little black eyes on me, as though he would read mv vety soul, and then added in a tone of voice intTnded"! ** Do you refer to Miss McTiffhe »' I o«i,« i .he dark than ever, «. U the ladytwell."'^"' """ '" fixedTratmT"'""'" """■" -'" ^-'«. »««' looking h.;SdXp»' "'^'-'-'o en,„i„ what ha, his^'hat^' "^1°^u" ''"^' """*^ "P ■■" «?<>». •«'• placed I..S hand on his heart-or rather over the place where that w^n is generally imagined to be. «wnerethat "Poor girl !" I remarked, quite amused with the little «fer to a blighted aflection, " who is the swain .> He 130 HOW I CAME TO BE must be a person of very bad taste to slight so lovely a blossom." " Who is he ? who is he ?" echoed Fester, rising from his chair and coming close up to me : " what if your Excellency should be that person ?" " 1 1 impossible !" ** Yes," continued Mr. Fester, raising his voice, and speaking with extraordinary rapidity—" your Excellency, I say, is that person. Won by your pointed attentions on the evening of the ball, Miss McTighe— the only daughter of one of our leading Sucker families— a family with which Princes might be proud to form an alliance, has ceded to you her entire affections. At any time, such a circum- stance could not fail to exercise a powerful influence on the state of political parties, but at the present moment it is overwhelming. Mr. McTighe is aware of the state of his daughter's heart, and feels all the interest natural to a parent. As one of the heads of the Sucker party, he i» entitled to look for a high alliance for his child, and it is not surprising, it cannot create astonishment, that he should make it a condition of his support at the present moment, that his Elizabeth's happiness be secured. He is not ambitious, he is not selfish ; but he is a father. ♦ Seek his Excellency,' he said to me a few hours ago, * tell him that the blood of nobles runs in the veins of the McToozles, (Mrs. McTighe was a McToozle)— say that they are related to the Murphys of Ireland ; inform him that with one motion of his finger, McTighe can put the Bullfrogs in the dust ; that he is ready to make that motion, but that he must first learn that his child— his daugh- ter—his Elizabeth, is happy.' Yes, your Excellency, such were the words of Murdoch McTighe, and it now rests with you to show yourself worthy of the occasion. The ball is at your foot— a lovely bride, a glorious future, and the lasting gratitude of the country : what does your Excellency say ? are you, oh, are you equal to the occa- •ion?" GOVERNOR OP CACONA. Fester tha. I had Sen,?'?/ '".^'' ' '"''• ' ""«' «'• alliance ia Cac„„a "'d^l^ ^ ^"""^''"^"""'"°"'*' -gre.thei™ponam'eff"c.InTh TT" """""' ' •"«■" or.. PowerPC .0.;^:^^!:^-^^-- -^ ., , , "*5S naired, and inalisniiv "Tk: • the gral.tude of rulers ! Thus ,• is F ,M ^ " deep seated love of her ColoZXu^'^ """"' "» •he badge of Ufer j/^s^d ^^ ' « " ^ Cacontans .- But a day of '..tribution • at hand ""n not suppose, haughty Briton, that you can trfr ,u° rnn^^t!' ' ""^"''""'^ '" ' ^^'^imed, boiling with u„ controllable rage at the insolence of this langfaTe " do you dare ,o threaten me f Instantly pass out Sdo^r elep frotn here into the street. Do not delay " and I advanced towards him with the intention of ^'xpelUni h.m by force from the apartment ;_but he did not wa to have the threat put into execution; trembling „" 1 l.mb, and as pale .s a ghost, he sneaked out of the rZm and was gone almost before I had time to d s c^riS absence Left alone, I paced the room a vict^ to the most conflicting emotions. This last insult had mid! dened me in a way that I had not thought po^Tble and when the first paroxysm of rage had paU a^ai 'the.^ 1^ HOW 1 CAME TO BE came a sense of humiliation which was stUI more pamful. Is nothing, I asked myself, sacred to these men ? Are they not content with deceiving me, but they must also make me their slave ? Where is this to end, and what is to be the next attempt ? As these thoughts pressed upon me, I buried my head in my hands, and fairly wept like a child. But though they were tears of bitterness, they were tears of hope. In the long hours which succeeded, and during which I remained alone in the apartment, a change came over my mind, and when I at length retired to my chamber for the night, Tfelt the relief of a man who, after long wanderings through unknown ways, finds at last a path which is to conduct him back to safety — it may be to honor. GOVEBNOR OP CACONA. m CHAPTER XVI. I make my first Royal Spewh and open Parliament WO or three days passed after the event last recorded, during which time I saw little or nothing of my Min- istry. Mr. Shanks only call- ed once or twice to inform me of the progress of the elections. He did not, how- ever, refer to Mr. Fester, though I suspected from some remarks he dropped, that he was not ignorant of what had oc- curred. On the evening of the third day, much to my relief, Pinker- ton returned, and from him I learnt that Mr. Fester had been defeated by a large majority, Mr. McTighe and his friends having persisted in their threat not to take any part in the con- test, Mr. Foker had also lost his election, but the rest of the members of the Cabinet had been returned, though not without some hard contests. Pinkerton him- self was in high spirits. Mr. Bullyman, it appeared, had been returned without opposition, and the time which would otherwise have been spent in hard work, had been devoted to festivities. He represented Mr. BuUyman's influence to be unbounded amongst his constituents, who, although a rough set in some respects, had treated them with great hospitality. More particularly, he spoke in high terms of the attentions received from one family 1S4 HOW I CAME TO BE m ' to which Bullyman had introduced him. I gathered from what he said that there were some females in this estab- iTshment, and was surprised to hear Pinkertc^ (who was rer^arkably particular Jn such matters) describe them as " deuced nice girls." About a week after Pinkerton's return, there was a grand muster of the members of the Cabinet to decide on a Igramme for the Session. At this meeting provision was made for obtaining seats in the Roundabout for the defeated Ministers, by the resignation of two less promin- ent Suckers, who both accepted offices of emolument under the Crown. The outlines of a speech to be deliver- ed on the opening of the Roundabout, were al«o subm^"^d bv Mr. Bullyman, together with a number of Bills to be introduced by the Goverment. From what passed on this occasion, I learnt that the probable majority of the Suckers on a test question was estimated at twc>-« rather a close shave," Mr. Buster observed, « but quite enough to fix the flints of the Bullfrogs." At this sitting, it was also resolved to proceed to the immediate creation of a number of Members for the Upper House, where, as I have already said, the Suckers were in a minority. The transacting of this last piece of business aff"orded a great deal of amusement to my Ministry, and numerous were the jokes perpetrated at the expense of the « grey- headed bantums," as Mr. Bullyman facetiously nick- named the grave and reverend seigniors who sat in the uppermost Assembly. In accordance with this resolution, I was soon after called on to give force to Her Majesty's writs, creating the necessary number of Drowsyheads : the parties elected being, as 1 afterwards learnt, neither the most respectable nor the most intelligent of the community. So much, indeed, was this the case, that Mr Megs the innkeeper at Antioch, in whose house 1 had passed the first night after my arrival, and who was among GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 135 the number selected, complained loudly of the dirty com- pany into which his political friends had introduced hira. " Damn it," said that gentleman to me, in the course of a private interview which he had solicited a few days after his appointment— " Bullyman might have done something more decent for an old friend than kicked hira into this pig-stye. I never felt so mean in all my life, Governor ; it's just as if I had been picking pockets or swearing a false affidavit !" " But surely, Mr. Megs," I observed, " to be an Hon- orable is something." " Oh ! ah, so it would be if they'd do the job properly, but when they go making men like Fitch and Tinnyman Honorables, I don't see much honor about it. The fact is. Governor, Mrs. Megs is so disgusted at it, that she's been suffering from spasms ever since." " That's a pity," I observed, " dignities of this kind they are con- are intended to elevate those on whom ferred." " * Elevate !' " echoed Mr. Megs, contemptuously, " How can you elevate Tinnyman ! Lawks bless you ! he's going to have a new shop-front painted, and put * Honorable' upon it—* the Honorable Thomas Tinny- man— scissors to grind !' How'll that look, I wonder ? Now if / was to alter my sign, and make it * Blue Boar, kept by the Honorable Mulligrub Megs,' it wouldn't read so bad, — but, scissors. Governor! Oh, d — n it, that's low !" " But," I observed, quite amused at Mr. Megs' nice dis- crimination, " how came it that Mr. Tinnyman, being the kind of person you represent, got his appointment ?" " Oh, it was just a business transaction. The Cabinet all owed him for penknives, and as it wasn't convenient to pay, they thought they'd make him an Honorable !" " And yourself, Mr. Megs, I trust that you have not been a pecuniary sufferer by your elevation to the dignity of a senator ?'* % i : ^il 186 HOW I GAME TO BE ♦* Me ! oh, dear no, nothing to speak of; there's a small account for beer against Bullyman, 'tis true, but then my position, you see, is so different to Tinnyman's. As proprietor of the Blue Boar, of course I might expect to be made an Honorable any day in the week ;— but scissors? Oh, Moses ! that's low ?" The drawing up of the speech was a matter of more difficulty than creating the Honorables. To the one sub- mitted by Mr. Bullyman, I positively refused to give my assent, for reasons which will be very apparent when I give a copy of the document itself, which was as fol- lows : — To THE MeMBKBS or IBK RontlDABOUT, Is ROFNDABOOT ABBIMBLKD. Gentlemen, I congratulate you in the name of our Gracious Queen, and Prince Albert, and the children, on the great Sucker triumph which has just been acconiplibhed. There can be no doubt that the effects of that triumph will be felt throughout civilized Europe, and will be chalked upon the cottage of every freeman, from the shores of the Bosphorus to the City of Pekin, which is (as you are doubtless aware) in the dominions of His Highness, our friend and ally, the Emperor of China. Let me refer to an interesting topic. Gentlemen ; the disappearance of the potato rot is s great event in the history of our national progress. The singular coincidence, that with a sound state of political feeling, the most interesting vegetable our beautiful Island produces should be pronounced convalescent, is (every one must admit) exceedingly encouraging. 1 infer from it that the rottenness of the old political system was affecting nature itself, and that by the operation of a natural sympathy existing between the potato and the friends of civil and religious liberty, both were equally affected by the same injurious causes. GOVERNOR OF CACOKA. m Gentlemen, I have to inform you that, acting by the advice of my Council, and following, I may say, their instructions, I have caused a number of our most distin- guished citizfcnfe to be called to the Upper Legislative Chamber. Among them I would particularly refer to our friend Mr. Megs, whose excellent beer we have all tasted, and whose well known establishment at Antioch has, I may truly observe, an almost European reputation. [There was a note attached to this last paragraph in Mr. Bullyman's own hand-writing, signifying that " it would have an efTect."] Gentlemen, in order to give their proper value to the magnificent fisheries of the Colony, I have, by the advice of Mr. Attorney General Bullyman, offered a bounty on that important branch of our commerce connected with the cai>- ture and pickling and preservation of tommy-cods. The mysterious influence which draws these interesting strang- ers yearly to our shores, is an evident direction to our hardy fishermen to make the most out of them. It is a notorious fact, however, that tommy-cods do not pay, and that what nature intended should be a source of profit and wealth, has hitherto proved ruinous to the enterprizing capitalist. Under these circumstances, it becomes the evident duty of the Government to hasten to the rescue, and by sharing the loss with the public-spirited speculator, add to the weilth and increase the resources of the country. Gentlemen, education, particularly as connected with reading and writing and the use of the globes, is a duty incumbent on Governments, and without which it is almost impossible for the sublime arts, and literature in particular, to flourish. Animated by these views, and following in this as in every thing else, the advice of my Council, [here there was another note by Mr. Bullyman to signify that the words " in every thing else" would "have an effect"].— I have intrusted to the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper, a gentleman with whose talents the world 1S8 HOW I CAME TO BE haslongbecn acquainted, the important task of educating the young Sucker mind of the Colony, so that it may rise superior to narrow religious influences, and place itself in a position as sublime as our native rocks, and as im- posing as a general acquaintance with geography and the rules of arithmetic, can make it. In regard to public improvements, Gentlemen, you will be pleased to learn that, by the direction of the Imperial Government, steps have been taken to make Mud Har- bour Creek a dep6t for the naval tonnage of Great Britain. It is to be regretted that a larger amount has not been voted by the Mother Country for this important work, but I entertain strong hopes that, listening to my expostulations, Her Majesty's Government will yet feel themseWes authorised to come down more liberally with the tin, and I shall communicate with the Colonial Secre- tary on this important and interesting subject. Money, as has been beautifully remarked by the poet, makes the mare to go, and there can be no doubt that this rule, liberally applied, will exactly suit the complaint with which Cacona has too long been afflicted. Gentlemen, I have to inform you that the revenues of the colony are in excellent keeping, and that the stimulus occasioned by the expenditure of the Imperial loan is producing the most excellent results. It is a source of great satisfaction that several flat-bottomed boats have recently arrived at Jericho, from Antioch, ladened with bricks, thus marking the commencement of a most important trade between those flourishing cities. When a lamp has been put on the lock-keeper's house, there will be nothing more required on that magnificent chain of inland navigation. [There was another note here to signify that the reference to the absent lamp was intended as a hit at the last administration, closing, of course, with the remark — " have an efTect."] Gentlemen, as regards railroads, I am glad to be able to OOVERNOR OP CACONA. 139 announce that arrangements arc about being completed with that eminent contractor, Mr. Sleeper, for the construc- tion of a Main Trunk Line between Jericlio and Jazes, stopping to take up freight at all intennediate places. Some dissatisfaction was at one time expressed at this line by several of our Sucker friends, on the ground of expense, but I am glad to say that these objections have all been satisfactorily removed without the abateme. t of one single sixpence on the original contract to the public ; thus, affording a strong proof of the honesty of the Executive, and the incorruptibility of public men under a sound system of Sucker Government ! Gentlemen of the Roundabout, It is Her Majesty's particular desire, conveyed in her own handwriting to me, that you should pass the different Bills which will be submitted to you by my Ministers, who have her entire confidence, and in whom, to speak emphatically, she is well pleased. When you return to your homes after your arduous duties, remember me to your wives and children, and may the milk of maternal kindness in their bosoms be tinctured with the aroma of freedom, so that the cause of Suckerdom may go on increasing for ever and ever. Amen. Out of this rodomontade, I selected such portions as I considered most appropriate, and with the assistance of Pinkerton, doctored a speech which, although anything but what I could have desired, was a decided improve- ment on Mr. Bullyman's bantling. I had, of course, great difficulty in getting that gentleman and his col- leagues to consent to this ; but, finally, finding that my mind was made up, they gave in. In regard to the bills these gentlemen had drawn up, and which they condescended to submit to me, I decided 140 HOW I CA.MB TO BK not to interfere with them, throwing the responsibility on my Ministers, which responsibility, I must do them the credit of saying, they did not seem to be in the leaat disposed to shirk. Among these measures, were several aimed at the Bullfrogs, respecting which I made up ray mind as to the course I would pursue should they pass ; but as they did not pass during my administration, it is unnecessary to say anything more about them. On the day appointed for the meeting of Parliament, Mr. Bullyman drove up in a coach and pair, one of the line between Antioch and Jericho, and Pinkerton and I, dressed out in splendid Spanish hats and feathers, selected from the theatrical wardrobe, got inside, where we found Mr. Shanks and another of the Ministry, the rest being outside with the Attorney Qencml, who prided himself on being a first-rate whip, as well as a great political leader. The horses were gaily decked out with ribbons, and there were two buglers in the dickey, who struck up ♦' God save the Queen" as we started, and continued that celebrated National Anthem till we had reached the Legislative buildings. As we passed along, we were loudly cheered by the Suckers, who had mustered in great force on the occasion, and who evidently regarded our proceedings as a tremendous triumph for their party. The hall where the Roundabouts met, was crowded to excess, and it was with great difficulty that Mr. Bullyiuan and his friends (including, of course, ourselves) could squeeze themselves in. I never got so tumbled before in my life, and had it not been for the assistance of the Attorney General, who certainly fought like a tiger, I doubt if there would have been any Governor's speech delivered that day. As it was, I found myself at last elevated above the multitude, and amid infinite hubbub^ read my speech, very little of which could be heard, I suspect, by the spectators. aOVERNOR OF CACONA, 141 When I had got through, I felt myself lifted off the plat- form on which I had been standing, and again pushed through the crowd till I had reached the ante-chamber, from w}ii(>h we had started. Here I f'-nnd Pinkerton, who had been unable to make his way into the building, and who complained loudly of the rough treatment he had been subject to. He had lost his Spanish hat in the throng, and looked very much tumbled and heated. On looking about, we could sec nothing of Mr. Bullyman or his friends, or the vehicle : even the buglers had vanished. Under these circumstances, we had nothing to do but to elbow our way out as well as we could, and slip-slopping through mud and rain, make our way back to our dwell- ing, leaving my Ministry behind to enter on their first campaign, and fight the battle of Sackerdom with their opponents. 148 HOW I CAME TO BE Ux 1 CHAPTER XVII. In which I am honored with an introduction to a great Moral Reformer. bHE morning after the open- ing of the Roundabout, I received a visit from the Reverend M. Potts Pepper. He was ac- companied by a seedy- looking indi- vidual, with a remarkably red' nose, whom he introduced as Mr. Jeremiah Snuggins, " a reformed blackguard." " Mr. Snuggins," he said, referring to this individual, " has taken pity upon the moral desolation of Jericho, and has come here to give us a series of lectures, illustrative of his experiences as a blackguard. These lectures are, I may be permitted to say in the presence of my remarkable friend, [and here the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper bowed reverentially to Mr. Jeremiah Snuggins,] among the most remarkable efforts of the age. The experience which my distinguished friend has had in every description of vice, renders him, your Excellency, peculiarly fitted to be a great moral teacher. In this respect, my friend may be said to have enjoyed all the privileges of vice — to have been admitted into her most secret haunts, and to have wallowed in her impurities from head to foot. I believe I am correct, Mr. Snuggins, in stating that you have been a drunkard." GOYERNOR OP CACONA. US Mr. Snuggins smiled pleasantly. "A liar?" Mr. Snuggins coughed slightly. " A gambler ?'» Mr. Snuggins breathed heavily. " A Sabbath-breaker and a scoffer ?" Mr. Snuggins snorted audibly. " A miserable vagabond, vagrant, and swindler ? " Mr. Snuggins groaned painfully and penitentially. "And having been all this, your Excellency," continued Mr. Potts Pepper, "Mr. Snuggins condescends to become a moral teacher. As a reformed blackguard, his lectures have been attended by crowds of admiring audiences. For instance, my distinguished friend will represent all the stages of drunkenness in a way that is perfectly amaz- ing. He will show you the infatuated youth taking his first cup, and finish off with that sublime moral picture, * the venerable inebriate wallowing in the gutter.' Per- haps, Mr. Snuggins, you v/ill be kind enough to show His Excellency the scene of the * venerable inebriate.' Thus solicited, Mr. Snuggins seemed to be suddenly seized with the staggers. His body swayed to and fro like a pendulum, and finally he plumped down on the floor, where he commenced going through a variety of spasmodic performances, intended to represent the grand moral picture of " the venerable inebriate." "That scene," continued Mr. Potts Pepper, "has saved thousands, bui still I do not think that, as a moral effort, it is equal to the * gambler's victim.' In the ' gambler's victim,' your Excellency, Mr. Snuggins exhi- bits his own experiences as a gambler — shows how to cheat at cards, how to load dice, how to turn the ace, and, in fact, everything connected with the mysteries of swindling. If there is a pack of cards here, my dis- tinguished friend might win a shilling or two of your Excellency, just to explain the object of his lectures." N ''A '1! ■1 lU HOW I CAME TO BB " This moral information then," I observed, without IS all taking any notice of Mr. Pepper's last suggestion imparted by lectures." " Yes, your Excellency, but Mr. Snuggins is just now engaged in an effort of a more stupendous character than any he has yet undertaken. As a reformed blackguard, the result of my distinguished friend's experience goes to prove that there is a large field in his particular line still unexplored. It has been noticed that the moral world requires excitement ; that to produce an effect now a-days, you must go out of the old beaten track and get up a sen- sation. The Bible and the old morality are not sufficient to do this, but you must go into the world and drag forth the filthiest object you can find, and make that act and speak, and then the public will oome and hear you. Although proud of his success as a reformed blackguard, roy distinguished friend has discovered lately that the public are not quite so enthusiastic as they used to be over the * venerable inebriate,' and that the * gambler's victim' is gradually losing its interest. Warned by this, my distinguished friend is now employed in making a grand collection of all the vices of the age, which he pro- poses to place before the public in the most striking and popular point of view. With this object he has engaged * an awe-stricken murderer,' a * faith-holding forger,' a * hope-to-be-forgiven house-breaker,' and a *penitent pick- pocket,' all of whom he intends to introduce to the pub- lic as lecturers, in order that they may explain and illus- trate their experiences to the audiences. Thus the * awe- stricken rauiderer' [who is just now taking his bitters at the.White Lion] will describe with thrilling effect his first emotions on killing his mother. How he knelt over her body, and asked her whether she knew him, and wheie she hf».d hidden the two silver spoons which had prompted him to commit the horrible crime. After this, he will go through the • dance of remorse,' and finally conclude GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 145 with the * abominable horrors,' in which the spirit of his murdered parent is beautifully introduced singing a temperance song for her vile son's forgiveness. In the lecture by the * penitent pick-pocket,' Mr. Fagin will explain all the ingenious contrivances of his former pro- fession, from the simple but not inelegant process of drawing a pocket-handkerchief to the more elaborate and combined movement of abstracting a gold repeater from a fat gentleman's fob. Such lectures as these, delivered to our youth by ;he actual actors, must have a strong moral effect. Doubtless, many an inexperienced lad who has never handled a card will be prevented from doing so by the amusing tricks of my distinguished friend, Mr. Snuggms, and our wives and children must increase in. wisdom and virtue by having such models as the 'awe- stricken murderer ' and * faith-holding forger,' set up before them. Doubtless your Excellency sees it in this Ught." " Why I do not know Mr. Potts Pepper that I do. I must confess t f have some doubts whether the cause of sound mc-«i. j is likely to be advanced by the inter- position of * reformed blackguards' of any class. It seems to me that it is placing the moral platform on a wrong foundation, and is making the transition from vice to what is supposed to be virtue far loo easy to be pleasant. In order to be effective moral teachers, it is not necessary that your pastors should have actually followed vice into her dens, and embraced her in her most loathsome forms^ for if it were so, your schools of morality would begin in brothel8,and gambling houses and groggeries furnish the neophyte's first lessons in practical virtue. That your neighbour has ceased to be a sinner, is a cause doubtless for rejoicing, but is no good argument why you should set him up as a model, or take him as your moral instruc- tor. Virtue has bat one likeness, and you cannot increase her contrast to vice though you do (profanely speaking) 146 HOW I CAME TO BB put a black patch on the side of her nose. This homoBopa- thic way of treating things-bringing gambling to cure gambling, drunkenness to cure drunkenness, and murder to destroy murder, is, I admit, somewhat in vogue, but still, I repeat, I have no faith in it. Doubtless there are many things connected with the details of vice, that a penitent thief or a reformed blackguard can explain better than any one else ; tut what interest have you and I in these details, or what ought we to care for the experiences of blackguards ? A morbid curiosity may be gratified by their recital, but to a well constituted mind ought they to ren- der, or can they render, virtue one whit more beautiful, or vice more detestable ? Believe me, Mr. Pepper, such exhibitions can have no permanent salutary influence. If you require model lecturers, take them from those who have gained their diplomas in the colleges of virtue and morality, and who like Crosar's wife are above suspicion. It can no more increase the moral powers of a lecturer that he has at one period of his existence wallowed in the mire, than it can add to the glory of a soldier that he once lost his shield. The failings of poor mortals are things to weep over, not to glorify, and there is always great danger that of those who listen to your reformed blackguards, some may make the mistake of supposing that it is because your friend Mr. Snuggins was once a sinner, that he is now a saint, and that the temple of vir- tue lies somewhere half-way betweenthe Penitentiary and the Meeting-house.** "These are very singular opinions,*' said Mr. Potts Pepper, freezingly, " am I to understand, then, that your Excellency declines to take stock in our great moral railroad ?'* And he held out a number of tickets oi admis- sion to Mr. Snuggins* lectures. « One shilling each,** observed Mr. Snuggins himself, speaking for the first time in a snuffling lone—" chUdren and servants half-price.'* GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 147 «l am afraid I must decline, ge^^^h^^^^^^^^^ I fr^'^'^r^l'^^^^^ 'oo fast for me, and on the whole I thmk I should prefer a different conductor to either the awe-stricken murderer' or the * faith-holding forger ' » «nf V ' p'""''."'""''"'' ^'' ^""^S:ins groaned heavily, and Mr Potts Pepper looked particularly grave and ml jestic. Indeed the great moral lecturer himself became so for overcome, that I was at one time under the impression he was about to repeat the impressive scene of the * ven- erable mebriate,' but in this I was mistaken. He, how- ever, insisted on playing several rounds of * poker' with \uTfT"''^ '" "^^^^ *" ^""«^'^^« ^« "^^ the various methods of cheating at that popular game, but in this, somehow or other, he did not altogether succeed, for strange to say, out of four games which the two moral reformers played in my presence, my worthy political adviser came out the dctor in three, thus proving himself to be a better hand at swindling than Mr. Snugginshim- Aftcr this exhibition, and another attempt to prevail on me to patronize the lectures, the two gentlemen took their departure, evidently not at aU pleased with the result of their mission, and leaving me scarcely much better im- pressed with the moral than the political aspect of affaire la Cacona. W: .1 i I 14S HOW I CAME TO BE CHAPTER XVIII. It is money makeB th« mare eo. Mr. Bullymnn propo«« to buy up the Roandabout. T is money makes the mare go,' ob- served Mr. BuUyman, as he entered my apart- ment in his Qsual un- ceremonious manner, a- bout a week after the meeting of the Legisla- tive body. "Things ain't going as they ought, Go- vernor. The Suckers have Ts^Ajjis* ■ got to make an effort, or they'll be left in the mud. Something more must be done to produce an effect." " What do you propose, Mr. Bullyman ?" " Why, I've been turning it over in my mind. Governor, and the only way I can see is to buy up the House." " Buy up the House, Mr. Bullyman !" « Yes, it ain't difficult to be done. You see here are only forty-four members altogether: and of ihese eight GOVERNOB OF CACONA. 149 are ministers-ihree brothers of ministers : five cousins 01 ditto, and four political dummies, who are bound body and soul to the party. That makes twenty, don't it ? Well, we've got to buy two to make it a tie, and three to secure a majority." " But I thought you had secured a majority ?'» "So we should have done, if it hadn't been for Mc- Tighe ; but he's dead against us. His brother-in-law, Snivens, told me last night he was afraid he couldn't sup- port us, and Cowtail and Crumpet are shaky. It's a hard eituation for a new ministry to be placed in, ain't it?" "Why yes, it certainly is, Mr. Bully man, but I don't see how I can have anything to do with the buying of members." " Why, no, it ain't exactly that, but you might write to Snivens, and ask after his health. He is a proud man, and would lake it as a kind of an honor. As to the oth- ers, I'll go and see Shanks and consult what's best to be done, and perhaps we'll call in the course of the morn- ing." Accordingly, in the course of the morning, Mr. Bully- man again made his appearance, accompanied by his colleague, whose countenance expressed no ordinary de- gree of doubt and perplexity. " Well," said Mr. BuUyman, after he had seated him- self—" we're in a bit of a quandary and no mistake. Snivens ain't to be bought, and Cowtail and Crumpet are extortionate : two hundred down— a seat in the Cabinet, and a pension for life, ain't honest or reasonable ; I'd sooner resign first." " I'm surprised at Crumpet," said Mr. Shanks, " he got £200 out of the Purity of Election Fund, besides a snug berth for his nephew. But there is no gratitude in public men, and if my heart wasn't so strongly in the cause, and it wasn't for the glorious principles, I'd aban- don my office to-morrow." 160 HOW I CAME TO BE "Them's my sentiments too,'* said Mr. Bullyman, " but it won't do to consult private feelings— so lel'8 go over the list, and see if we can't buy some one else." "Well," said Mr. Shanks resignedly— " proceed.— Who's the first ?" " Why there's Jorum : he's precious hard up. What's he worth do you think ?" " Jorum !" repeated Mr. Shanks—" I don't know ex- actly. Perhaps £100 for himself and a silver coffee-pot for his wife : I mention a silver coffee-pot, because that's a delicate way of managing the transaction, and it won't do to wound a patriot's feelings !" "No, that's true," observed Mr. Bullyman — "we might put the £100 into the coffee-pot. It would serve to wofk up the groats and strengthen the beverage. At all events, we'll try it. And now, who's next?" " There's Cocker," observed Mr. Shanks—" that's a man who's always talking about his principles. He's got a conscience as big as a green cheese, but some how or other he diddled me infernally I know with that min- ing stock. What do you think about Cocker, Mr. Bully- man r" " Well, I think Cocker's to be had," said the Attorney General, " only we'll have to pay for him and his prin- ciples too. What do you think of a contract on the Je- richo railroad— prices unlimited, and appoint his own engineers ?" " That's it," f xclaimed Mr. Shanks — " Cocker's too honest a man to take a bribe directly, but if you make it a chisel~oh, Moses, won't he walk into the chest !" " Now, we want a couple more," said Mr. Bullyman, after Mr. Cocker had been disposed of. — " Let me eee— Hopkins— Hopkins— Hopkins— how about Hop- kins ?" " Won't do," said Mr. Shanks—" I've tried him. He had the impudence to tell me he was too poor to be a GOVEKNOR OP CACONA. 161 scoundrel. What do you think of that for political ef- frontery ?" " Well, it is amazing," observed Mr. Bullyman—" but never mind him : he'll die on a dung-hill if he sticks to those notions. But what do you say to the Fidlers?" " There, now you've hit it :--they're the men !" ex- claimed Mr. Bullyman— "John Fidler and Jemmy Fidler —there's two of them, and a precious pair they are, to be sure. Of course, they're to be had : I'll send 'em both a £100 bill to-morrow, and pretend I lost it at billiards." " But ain't there the Church and College question in the way ?" enquired Mr. Shanks. "Oh bother the Church and College question," ex- claimed Mr. Bullyman petulantly—" if it's going to be a money transaction, of course we must buy them out- right. Religion's always extra in politics. We'll call it £200 each for the temporal sacrifice, and £100 for the Church." " Well, how does the Sucker list stand now, then .?" enquired Mr. Shanks. " Here it is," replied his political associate, handing over a small slip of paper on which he had marked down the result of the conference. Ministers, g Brothers-in-law, 3 Cousins, 5 Political Dummies, 4 Patriots, bought and paid for,. 4 Grand Total, 24 "That's a majority," exclaimed Mr. Shanks trium- phantly—" There's the Constitution fairly at work, and now— death and destruction to the Bullfrogs !" " Yes," said Mr. Bullyman reflectively, as he folded up the slip of paper and deposited it in his waistcoat pocket — "that's the Constitutional majority, but those are HOW I OAHB TO awful heavy prices to pay. Patriotism is like butter- it's getting up in the market. Why we are paying for each of the Fidlers, SManks, as much as you would give for a first rate nigger fellow in the land of universal lib- erty and equality ! That's too cosily. The article '11 have to come down, or we can't carry on the Govern- ment. Patriots ought not to sell as high as niggers. It's paying too high a price for our liberties." With these remarks, the two ministers were about to take their departure, when at that moment the messen- ;ger handed in a card on which was written the follow- ing invitation :— " Mr. and Mrs. Stumpy solicit the ho- nor of the Governor General's presence at a soiree dana- unte on Friday evening next." " What's this," said Mr. Bullyman, who had coolly taken up the card after I had laid it down—" that won't do. Can't go there Governor : a soiree danaante ain't the thing, and then Stumpy and his wife ain't over Vte rope." " What do you mean by ' over the lope,' Mr. Bully- man?" . , . V " Oh, * over the rope,' means * in society !* Its the hne which etiquette (or in other words, old moth'^r Whipple tree) draws between the noble and ignoble vulgar. There are some ladies and gentlemen who slant! all their lives with one leg on one side of the rope and one leg on the other— but that ain't a comfortable position.— Stumpy had the heel of his boot over onee, but they made him draw back." " And who is Mr. Stumpy ?'* "Oh, he's a decent person enough— quite well educated and respectable I don't think he cares much about the * rope,' but then his wife's horribly ambitious. Do you know that woman has been heard to say that she will never consent to die happy until she's had her legs (they're both crooked) under a Governor's mahogany ! There's something awful in that, ain't there ?" rOR OF CACONA. 150 * fmj, but will you be kind enough to tell me Mr. Bi^man, what aiu the qualifications which entitle a person to be • over the rope ?' " "Why that's not settled at present, Governor. It ain't paying your debts, that's certain, nor it ain't high birth and breeding, nor it ain't being over honest, nor it ain't having too much brains,— but it is, let me see, what is it, Mr. Shanks 9" " Why, it's just ' being over the rope,' that's all I know about it," said Mr. Shanks. " You can't explain it, and no one else can't explain it. There's some hemp in it, (that's the rope,) and there's a good deal of impudence in it, and that's the company. But anyhow it's a hard jump to make, and poor Stumpy and his wife couldn't do it with a spring-board." Thus warned, I had to give instructions to Pinkerton to write to Mr. and Mrs. Stumpy, declining their invita- tion, though without assigning the mysterious reason furnished by my Ministers, (and which, I am told, is law ifi other places besides Cacona), that these unfortunate individuals did not enjoy the high privilege and distinc- tion of being ' over the rope !' i 164 HOW I CAME TO BE CHAPTER XIX. My Ministry propone to patH the /imoui Sucker Obojoyful Bill. VER since the evening of my lisundcrstanding with Mr. [Fester, tliat hateful little person ihad avoided coming into com- munication with me, content- iing himself with putting forth his venom in the columns of the Scorpion^ which teemed with allusions tome asasecret favourer of the Bullfrogs, and a natural enemy of the Suck- ers. Annoyed at these attacks, I drew Mr. Shanks' attention to them, who promised to expostulate with Mr. Fester. Whether he did 80 or no, I cannot say, but in the mean- time the attacks, instead of becoming less frequent, only became more virulent and offensive. One cause of this was, doubtless, tho bad success my Ministry (notwithstanding the sacrifices they had made in purcha- sing patriots) were meeting with in the Roundabout, where several of their pet measures had been defeated, and them- selves left in frequent minorities. From the reports and editorials of the Scorpion^ I learnt that the leader of the opposition was Mr. Vaughan, son-in-law of my old ac- quaintance Mr. Grey, and the same partywho had defeated Fester in the representation of the City. He was one of the persons who had been destituted of ofBce, and was repre- sented by Pinkerton, who had been down several times to the Roundabout, to see how things were going on, to be a very clever debater. One of his attacks on Fester, which Pinkerton had heard, had completely used up that OOVERNOR OP CACONA. 155 little gentleman, and it was my Secretary's opinior that even Bullyinan himself trembled before him. His taunts and sarcasms, repeated night after ni«,Wit, carried confusion into the Sucker ranks, and, as I gathered from the blank looks and conversation of my worthy councillors, was gradually reducing their numbers. Measure aftci measure which they had introduced, had been withdrawn, and nothing but a direct vote of want of confidcnce-of which notice had been given, and which was to come on in two or three nights— was wanted to complete their downfall. It was whilst things were in this stage, that Mr. Bully- man notified me one morning that a special meeting of the Cabinet was to be held that nfternoon, to consider some matters of the greatest im^ur^-, ,je. " Things," said that worthy { L!n!(oma ;, whose manners had not improved during the ,•( .s ion, nd who kept up his hopes by copious draughts ot 15 fivorite beverage— "things were not going on as they should do. He had talked to Shanks about it, and die opinion of Shanks, who had talked to Mr. Potts Pepper was, that something must be done to ' produce an effect.' The fact was, the government at home had not behaved as they ought to have done. If the Queen's proclamation had been issued at the time of the etections, as he proposed, every- thing would have been right : but that was just the way they always acted at Downing Street. Why didn't the Colonial Secretary come over himself to see how things were going on ? That was the way to satisfy the people, instead of sending a beggarly £250,000, which was only a drop in the bucket, and was likely to do more harm than good to the cause." Accordingly, that afternoon a meeting of the Council took place ; and when they had all assembled, Mr. Fester opened the ball by calling on Mr. Bullyman to give his views on the existing state of affairs, and the steps it 156 HOW I CAME TO BE was necessary to take to strengthen the Sucker interest, which it was admitted was in anything but a promising state. Thus called on, Mr. Bullyman proceeded to take what he called a review of the state of political parties, as bearing on the paramount interests of the great Sucker cause. As respected the unsatisfactory state of this cause, he agreed with Mr. Shanks and Mr. Fester. Not- withstanding the individual sacrifices which had been made, the country was not satisfied, and something more had to be done. Although it was universally admitted that the financial arrangements of the Ministry had been admirably conducted, there was no concealing the fact, that the public funds were completely exhausted ; the credit of the country, he was happy to say, was never better, but there was a scarcity of money. Perhaps it would be asked, what had become of the imperial loan ? Although he had no objection to the most rigid enquiry, he trusted his honorable friends would not allow them- selves to be coerced into explanations. One fact he might mention, and he was proud to have the opportunity of stating it, viz. that the sum expended amongst his own constituents in the encouragement of the tommy-cod fisheries had been attended with the most brilliant success. He believed he was at liberty to state, that up to the present time no less than 60,000 bushels of that valuable fish had been collected, on which a bounty of 9d. a bushel had been paid. These were now stored, ready for exportation, and as soon as freights would admit, would be shipped off to the care of the Lord Mayor of London, for consumption amongst the luxurious classes of the metropolis. It was expected that the country would eventually clear a large profit by this transaction, though he denied that this was the object of the Government. God forbid that tL jy should seek to make a profit out of tommy'Cods ! Fish was a perishable article, but he GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 157 trasted the tommy-cod bounty would be engraved eternally on the heart of the country. In respect to the works at Mud Harbor Creek, difficulties had occurred, which had not been expected. He believed, however, that the whole of the money had been expended, principally on surveys which there could be no doubt v^ould turn out by and by to be exceedingly valuable. It was the same with the educational grant. He was not prepared, at the present moment, to state precisely the amount which had been expended in preliminary enquiries, but he knew it was considerable. No one could accuse the government of havmg hoarded the public money (cries of hear, hear ) One of the first enquiries he had made that m^.ming of his learned friend, the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper (the head of the great Sucker intellectual movement) was—have you disposed of the money, and his friend replied, and he believed him— that he had. That was w it he called energetic action in a government, and he hoped the country would appreciate it. The country required the money, and the country had got the money, and there, for the present, was an end of it. As to the small sum devoted for the encouragement of silk worms, it was necessary to state, that in consequence of the adverse opinion of men of high scientific attainments, that idea for the present had been abandoned ; but the appropriated sum had been expended in the erection of a series of public pumps on a scale of national magnificence which he felt confident would meet the approval of the public. Next to civil and religious liberty, h^ placed a liberal supply of fresh pump water, and he trusted that the young Sucker generation, when they washed their infant faces every morning, would never forget to whom they were indebted for that inestimable privilege. There remained then only the £15000 grant for the purity of elections, and at that he might say, in the language of the eulogist of Sir Christopher Wren— if you want to know how it has 158 H0T7 I CAME TO BE gone, just look about you. Certainly when it was con- sidered that ail the leading Suckers had seats in the Roundabout, the country could not complain. On the whole, then, he contemplated the financial operations of the government with unmingled pride and satisfaction. Out of a comparatively small sum they had achieved results of the most extraordinary benefit to the public, and the effects of which, he hesitated not to say, would be felt by the latest posterity. It was not on that account, therefore, he felt the least anxiety. Where, then, was the danger ? It was to be found, as it always had been found, in the unceasing efforts of the opposite faction. We have scorched the Bullfrogs, not killed them. Influences had been at work which had given renewed life to that expiring faction, and this being the case, it became more than ever necessary that a step should be -aken to crush ihera outright. This step he was now about to propose. He held in his hand the draft of a Bill which required but little explanation : It was entitled the " Sucker Obejoyful Bill," and had for its object to compensate those who had made such devoted efforts last spring in destroy- ing the dwellings of the foes of the constitution and of the country. His honorable friends were aware of the circumstances to which he alluded. In a moment of popular excitement, the Suckers, in various parts of the Colony, had risen to vindicate their rights. In the town which he had the honor of representing, they had burnt two churches, gutted one charity school, destroyed nine- teen private dwellings, stoned one political parson, pulled down thirteen Bullfrog signs, and broken an unlimited amount of crockery and glass windows. For these ef- forts, noble as they were disinterested, an ungrateful coun- try had as yet ofiered no recompence. When amongst his constituents, he had been repeatedly asked, " when do you mean to pay us for breaking the windows ?" He thought it only right that the Government should recognize GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 159 those claims. He knew one gentleman who had sprained his arm severely on that occasion— was it fair that he should suffer? By rights England ought to pay, but England wouldn't do it. He believed that if they waited till England did it, they would wait for a very longtime; and, therefore, he proposed that they should do it ihern' selves. His Bill provided that a sum of £80,000 should be levied on the Bullfrogs to indemnify the Suckers. This sum, he calculated, would give about two shillings an hour to every Sucker actively engaged. His idea was to include both sexes in the indemnity. It was well known that the ladies had distinguished themselves equally with the gentlemen on that occasion, and it would not be fair to exclude them. He believed that a large number of windows had been broken by the ladies. A case had come under his own notice where a virgin had knocked down a policeman. One clause of his Bill pro- vided that whenever a lady could establish that she had a child in her arms, the little innocent should go for half- price,— that is to say, two shillings an hour for the mother and one for her offspring. He felt satisfied that such a Bill would produce an effect. What could t -re just, he would ask, than that parties who had been atim- ulated to madness by years of neglect, should be paid for the trouble they had been at in licking their opponents > Some of his friends had enquired, — why not pay the Bull- frogs for their windows, but he spurned the idea. It was not the glass he looked at, but the principle. That prin- ciple he did not hesitate to say, was to look after your own folk. The Suckers were now in a position to strike a terrible blow at their opponents, and he could not imagine anything more likely to be effectual than to make the Bull- frogs pay for breaking their own windows. Of course there would have to be a commission to estimate the losses, and he proposed to put His Excellency's young friend and protege, Mr. Wolfe, at the head of this commission. 160 HOW I CAME TO BE il If his views were concurred in by his honorable friends, the Bill would be introduced instanter^ and he pledged his word— the word of a Minister and a Sucker— that it would have an effect, a tremendous and stunning effect. Who is prepared to doubt that Mr. Bullyman's sug- gestion met with the hearty concurrence of my Cabinet? For my own part, I was completely dumb-foundered at the proposition : To tax one portion of the commu- nity to pay for the consequences of the illegal acta of another portion, seemed to me so preposterous, that I asked for time to consider the details of so extraordinary a measure. But no sooner had I expressed this senti- ment, than a perfect yell was raised by the Council. ** The fact is," said Mr. Fester in his most freezing tones, " the action of the Government is paralized. Constitu- tional Government in Cacona is a fiction, and our presence here a mere mockery. H is Excellency wants no advisers — let us retire." «* The Bill, the whole Bill, and nothing but the Bill," muttered Mr. Shanks doggedly. " Down with the Bullfrogs !" shouted Mr. Buster. " No compromise," suggested Mr. Foker. « Let our institutions perish, but never surrender," exclaimed the Rev. Mr. Potts Pepper. " Death or victory!" yelled the indomitable Bullyman. Thus confronted, I abandoned my defensive position in despair : " Do as you will gentlemen, do as you will," r stammered out, " only permit me to reserve the liberty of acting hereafter in the matter as 1 conoeive best forth© interest of the community, and moat consistent with the honor of the crown." This matter disposed of, several other propositions were brought forward, having for their object the oblaiiir ing of more money from England. Thus Mt. Bullyman proposed that they should anticipate the sum to be raised by the Sucker Obejoyful Bill, by issuing debentures on GOVERNOK OF CACONA. 161 the assurance (v^hic^^i^^^^sZ~^ey^i^ the Imperial government. It would be a mere matter of lorm that enthusiastic gentleman observed, and would ^o r t 1" rt^^P "^^ compelling the ill-used Suckers to wait the further action of Parliament. I was, how- ever, firm ,n declining this, as well as several other like propositions, to the evident disgust and annoyance of my muiisterial advisers. The fact is, I began to feel the necessity of screwing my courage to the sticking point but lacked-I am sorry to say, the resolution to do so* Heavens [ how I had degraded my high office-how abused the name of my sovereign, and trifled with the authority with which I was invested ! If inward repent- anoe could atone for this, there was atonement, but re- pentance was not sufficient ; it wanted other qualities I had not and yet wished to possess. Nevertheless I mustered up sufficient resolution to enquire why-if the difficulties of carrying on the Government were so over- whelming, they-my hated cabinet-did not resign " It seemed to me," I observed, "a more natural and consti- tutional way than having recourse to such extraordinary expedients." ' "Don't you wish you may get it, Governor !" said Bullyman, after I had, in a trembling voice and with pallid cheeks, given expression to these bold (as I then thought them) sentiments. « We are m, and we ain't goin<. to go out i( we can help it. If you knew what a pla°guy deal of trouble it has given us to get into office, you wouldn't be surprised that we hold on like grim death Those sentiments of yours may be constitutional-I don't say that they ain't—perhaps they are according to British practice, and I rather think they are— but they ain't Ca- conian. We never go out here till we are physically kicked out. ^ If there's any measure that's likely to bother us, we don't make it a Government measure. We treat it just as some papas treat their natural children, and I. 163 HOW I CAME TO BE M i: don't know anytMiig about it. We drop the bantling right down in the gutter, and swear we never saw it be- fore. In this way you see, Governor, it's very hard to get hold of us. When we are close pressed, we * dodge' —go out inu •dl— Not a bit of it! The country couldn't survive it, and our party would never forgive us!" " But," said I, growing de 5.|jerate at this bare-face] effrontery — " is such a course c( nsistent with my position, Mr. Bullyman ? Is it mi; duty ro accede to these extra- ordinary measures to support a party who seeui not to possess the confidence of the country ? In short, M/. At- torney General, who am I, and wliat is my position in the Government?" Mr. Bullyman fixed his eyes on m«. for a momfnt, md then onuwered cr-oly, — " nothing !" " It is strange,' .raid Mr. Fester, chiming in as ust^al, with a voice like a rave r.*--" h is strange that the prin- ciples oi ConstituijOf'^i^ liovernment will not be under- stood by the repress .atc4tives of Downing street ! I hear some-one ask * what is a Governor ?' I adopt the senti- ment of my learned iViend, and say ' nothing !' If I look to the practical working of the constitution, what do I see ? 1 see Mr, Bullyman, I see Mr. Shanks, I see Mr. Buster, — but I deny that I see any Governor. There may be «!nch a person, but constitutionally speaking, the Sucker party cannot acknowledge him. If he is a part of Mr. Shanks, it is well, — the country knows Shanks — if he dwells in the bosom of Bullyman, it is well, the country knows and loves Bullyman — but if he is any- where else, then, / say — he is nothing !" " And is this," I asked, " the constitution ? — am I to understand that I have no power, no influence ?" " Certainly," said Mr. Bullyman, picking his teeth coolly with the stump of a pen — " that's the constitution according to Fester ! You shall have an> Uiing else you nOVERNOR OP CACONA. 163 like Governor ; but as to power and influence, it can't be permuted— it can't upon honor !" And this then was my position as defined by my actual advisers. Oh ! how I wished for that physical strength Mr. Bullyman had referred to, as necessary to eject the Suckers from office, but as I had it not, I bowed my head to the decree, and was silent. It was late when the Council broke up, and I retired weary and sick to my chamber, where I found Pinker- mn, who. had just returned after an absence of a day or two in the country. Latterly I had missed him a good deal, and was somewhat puzzled to know where he could spend his time. On shaking hands with him now, I was startled at the change which had taken place in hjs appearance. He looked haggard and pale, and his eyes were swollen and red, as though from weeping. At any other time, I should have enquired the cause of this change, but now I was too much occupied with my own cares, to have time to sympathise with those of others. We therefore passed the rest of the evening in silence, I musing on the perplexed game in which I was involved, and poor Pink, sitting before the fire with the poker in his hand, sighing over I knew not what. 1 " 164 HOW I CAME TO BE CHAPTER XX. Showing how Mr. Pinkerton get* into trouble.* THE Scorpion the next morning, under the head " glorious news," contained a sketch of the new Sucker Obejoylul Bill, which it cliaraeterised as a measure equally just and patriotic. I was, how- ever, by this time, too familiar with Mr. Fester's editorials to place much reli- ance on what came from that quarter, and vjas about to lay down the paper, when my eye alighted on a para- graph in another column, which at once excited all my curiosity. It was headed " marriages in high life," and conveyed the intelligence that " two gentlemen connect- ed with the personal staff of his Excellency the Governor, were about to form alliances in the family of one of our leading Suckers, the female members of which had long been celebrated for their charms of mind and per- son : the event," the paragraph added, " will, il is under- stood, come off in the course of a few days." "What the deuce can this mean?" I exclaimed, throwing the paper over to Pinkerton, who was sitting sipping his coffee, in a melancholy mood, on the other side of the table. " Have you heard anything about these marriages, Tom ?" " Marriages ! how ! no ! yes !" exclaimed my com- panion, starting up and seizing hold of the paper in a terrible state of excitement. a Yes— marriages -.don't you see— look there— 'two gen- tlemen form alliance'—' leading Sucker family,'— what does it mean ?" Had the eyea of my unfortunate Secretary lighted on a GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 165 tiger open-mouthed, and about to spring on him, he could not have exhibited more terror than he did as he followed the movement of my finger down the column of the prmt, till it rested on the mysterious paragraph. For a minute or two, he stood with the paper in his hands llie perfect picture of despair, paying no attention to my enquiries as to the cause of this singular distress ; finally, casting the Scorpion from him as though it had been the veritable reptile itself, he darted out of the room, and rushed up stairs to his apartment, where I could hear him lock the door, and cast himself heavily on the couch, a victim, as I was forced to believe, of the most intolerable anguish. Alarmed at this extraordinary conduct, I soon followed Pinkerlon to his room, the door of which he reluctantly consented to open. It was, however, some time before I could get him to let me into the secret of his sorrows, and when he finally did so, I hardly knew whether to be' most amused or alarmed. The truth was— as the reader has doubtless anticipated— my poor friend had fallen into the trap I had had some difficulty in escaping from. The daughter of one of Mr. Bullyman's constituents— a large recipient of the Tommy Cod Bounty— had proved too much for ray poor Private Secretary. How it all came about, Pinkerlon had the most confused idea in the world of. All he knew was, that (after a warm introduc- tion by the Attorney General) he had been to the house of his affianced one's father several times to eat (don't faint, romantic reader!) perrywinkles, by special invita- tion, and had found only Miss Melinda Vantoozler, the youngest of three sisters, at home. It was, Pinkerlon explained, a very ingenious operation to get a perry- winkle out of its shell, and somehow or other Miss Me- linda never could manage it. The consequence was that Tom had to learn her the process, and to do this it be- came necessaiy that they should sit very closely together. 166 HOW I CAME TO BE Slill, as Pinkerton innocently observed, who could ever have imat^'ined that perrywinkles were t-, pave the way to the temple of hymen ? It happened, however, that one evening whilst engaged in this interest ng work, the young lady ran her pin into her finger, and was so alarm- ed at the sight of the blood, that she fainted, right into Tom's arms : Just at ths" 'in bounced Mr. fJuUy- man and the paternni protector. "My daughter in the arms of a villian !" e\claimed the indignant sire, and catching up the pol cr, was about to annihilate Pinker- ton on the spot, whon Mr. Bullyman interposed, and offered his services as a mediator— tb^ r- nit being a proposition that, in order to avoiu all bloodshca and scandal, my unfortunate Secretary should, within a reasonable time, become the happy husband of the agi- tated fair one. Whether he had assented to this proposi- tion or n't, Pinkerton could not say : he only knew that ever since that lime he had been very wretched and miserable— a state of mind which was not at all alleviated by the fact, that every day's mail brought him long epistles* from the lady, and baskets of pickle 1 tommy-cods and perry winkles from the other members of the family, whc affected to regard him with the most extraordinary inter est and affection. "There they are," said Pinkerton, oii closing his narration, pointing to a number of small baskets , led up in one corner of the room, anc! from which a strong fishy odour was proceeding—" She salts tl m herself!" Ludicrous as the ail : Wu.^ I cou . not h* Ip pitying the poor fellow, who declared that he would sooner die than marry Miss Vantor k • . Pointin<.' to a small bundle of clothes which he had just finished packing up, he an- nounced his intention, in ca^e I had ' > power to help him, to try and leave the Island that very night, though he fully expected to be torn to pi« "s )uld he fail. Finding him bent upon this covt/se, i appealed to 'lim GOVERNOR OP OACONA. 167 by the recollection of our old friendship not to desert me at that crisis, promising him faitlii. that I would do ruy best to rescue him from the fang. ihe Vanloozlers, and at all events if 1 did not s oc. ed, we could at the worst take our departure from Caeona together; that I was not less wear.ed and disgusted than he was, and that before the lime he so dreaded arrived, either I should have got rid of the Suckers, or they would have got rid of me. Haying by his means relieved liis immediate fears, 1 left him in better spirits, and was coming down stairs again, when I met a person going up with a small hamper, which I at once recognised as anothor of poor Pinkerton's presents. "Here," said the bearer, thrusting the package unceremoniously into my hand, « here's some more fish for Miss Vantoozler's young au. When's it going to be, do you know?" " What," said I, " the marriage !" " Yes, of course : it's a pretty good thing for the Vantoozlers, isn't it ? Did you see what the Scorpion said ab'jut it ?" I nodded iss« nt. " That otii I /How that Meg's going to get, is a pretty clever 'low too, ain't he? Our people likes him better than 1' o othei lie d n't give himself such airs, you know. He's been iu army, ain't he ?" " Who ?" asked (juite bewildered. " Why Wolfe— the chap Meg»s going to be spliced to. He's got such a free and easy kind of manner— not stuck up like the Secretary. Do yo.. hink there's any mes.- ^o back ? The old man always wints to know what the young gent says about the fish." " No, no answer to-dav . Mr. Piit,.erton isn't in." " Oh, he ii n't," and turning on hi heel, the i! ssenger went off whistling. 168 HOW X CAMS TO BB So the whole meaning of the parngraph was explained ! *' This will be nice news for Pinkerton," said I to myself as I descended the stairs after the messenger : " with Miss Melinda for a wife, and Mr. Wolfe for brolher- in-lHW, the prospect is certainly a pleasant one,' and closing the door of the sitting-room, in spite of my own ▼exation, ' burst into a loud and hearty fit of laughter. OOVERNOR OP CACONA. 169 CHAPTER XXI. In which i* contained Bomo more particulam nbout the Sucker Obejoyful BUI. S the Sucker Obejoyful Bill was the crowning measure of my Adminis- tration, and led to the most import- ant results, I think it necessary to give a copy of the Bill it.self, as laid before me by Mr. Bullymun, a few days lifter the meeting of Council already des- 'cribed. " It's a beautiful model of legal precision," said that gentleman, as he cast the precious document down on the table,—" and would do honor to the Lord Chancellor himself. It took Foker and I two nights to draw it up, and I don't think there's a flaw in the whole of it. It's meant to cover every- thing, and does cover everything. When a thing has got only one meaning, we have given it a dozen, and that's the patent way of drawing up Acts of Parliament. I remember one Act of Foker's in which the Courts were compelled to admit pump- handles and hard tooth-brushes under the general des- cription of coarse cotton manufactures. But there, read that Governor, and then say if you don't think it will have an effect." Accordingly I did read it, and now present it, in all its legal perfection, to my readers. A BILL TO RECOMPENSE CERTAIN SUCKERS FOR THEIR EXER- TIONS IN BREAKING WINDOWS, &C., IN THE YEAR 184 Whereas it has been represented to this Honorable Roundabout, that a large number o Her Majesty's loyal f r4 170 HOW I CAME TO BE subjects, generally known and distinguished under the name and title of Suckers, have been for a long time and now are sufTering and undergoing great hardships, pri- vations, and misery, in consequence of not being com- pensated and rewarded for their patriotic exertions at diflferent periods for the honor and glory of the country, And WHEREAS more particularly in the month of December, in the year 184 — , a large number of Suckers highly distinguished themselves by their laudable efllbrts in pulling down, lifting up, tumbling over, and generally destroying and mutilating the residences of divers Bull- frogs, and did then and there break, crash, and smash certain windows, roofs, shutters, doors, and fences of the said Bullfrogs, and did with force and arras — that is to say with brooms, shovels, pokers, boulders, brickbats and other peaceable and loyal weapons — Iniock down, pros- trate, beat, strike upon, pound and pummel divers little boys and girls — to wit, two policemen and one political parson — and did then and there extinguish divers lamp- lights, and carry ofT, convey away, and generally appro- priate at great inconvenience and trouble to themselves and to the great benefit of the State and glory of Her Majesty, divers shop signs, cattle, stock, and other domestic and agricultural implements — and did more- over, by means of certain muscles in and about their arms and legs— jump, leap, kick, scratch and pinch, and otherwise so conduct and demean themselves, as to seriously perplex, harrass, annoy, injure, and damnify the said Bullfrogs, for none of which things has the slightest reward been offered or paid to said Suckers, And Whereas by law and by right, any recompense or reward for and on account of the said services ought to be paid by and levied and imposed on the authors of these and all other outrages— to wit, the said Bullfrogs — and whereas, it is evidently unjust that any portion of the said recompense or reward should be contributed or QOVEBNOIi OF CACONA. 171 paid by the Suckers, whose peaceable and loyal conduct on this and other occasions exceeds all praise, Therefore let it be enacted, and it is hereby enacted, that a sum of £80,000 shall be paid to the said Suckers out of the lands, property, and revenues of the said Bull- frogs, which said lands, properly, &c., are hereby declared to be bound, charged, and mortgaged for the payment of the same, and shall so continue to be bound, charged, &c., until perfect payment thereof be made. And in order to avoid all doubts and difficulties which might arise as to the meaning and interpretation of this Bill, it is hereby declared and enacted, that whenever one word shall mean another word, it shall have the meaning of the word which it does not mean, and whenever one par- ticular thing is mentioned, it shall be taken and con- strued to mean all particular things, and that where nothing is meant or intended, it shall not be construed, taken, or interpreted to mean anything else. Attached to this Bill, was a schedule containing the rates of compensation proposed to be paid to the Suckers, male and female, for their services on the occasion in question. " There," said Mr. Bullyman, after I had perused the document, " There's the Sucker Obejoyful Bill : If that doesn't go, it's all up with the country, and patriots will have to look out for themselves." " What do you mean to do, Mr. Bullyman, in case the Bill should not pass '" " Oh, that's all settled : we've made our arrangements. Busier is made Collector of Customs at Jases : Foker and I go upon the Bench : Shanks takes the Presidency of the Railroad : Fester's to be Inspector ol Potash Kettles : and Ferritt and Mites will have their pick of whatever else happens to be going." "And is this the constitution also?" I asked. 172 HOW I CAME TO BE I* " It's the practice," said Bullyman, " made precious by time, and the example of innumerable patriots. In Cacona we call it ' being provided for' — the pelican provides for its young, you know^, and patriots provide for themselves. It's the mutual insurance principle car- ried into public affairs. But I must be off, and get the Obejoyful Bill a jogging, and if that don't save us, then in thf language of — Byron, ain't it ? — " Fan-well to all oin greatness." and with this apt quotation, delivered in a highly thea- trical tone, Mr. Attorney General Bullyman took his de- parture. GOVERNOR OP CACONA. 173 CHAPTER XXII. ^Showing how I go down to Parliament again and what occurred. LEARNT from Pink- erton, who had in the course of a few days recovered sufficient- ly to go out, that the grea- test ex- citement prevail- ed in the City at the prop- osedSuc- ker 0- bejoyful Bill. A meeting had been held, at which all the leading Bullfrogs attended, and expressed their determination to suffer any- thing sooner than submit to so unconstitutional and infamous a measure. A petition to the Queen, pray- ing for the recall of myself, had been passed at this meeting, which, with the odious Bill itself, was the one subject of conversation in all quarters. This was not pleasa>w longer a listless lounger, but standing proudly, with his arms folded on his breast, full of triumph anu exultation. Busier had pulled off his red nightcap, and Hlood with it extended over his headj ready io be waved m a signal of victory. Shanks had placed himself on a siool, and looked the picture of pleasant excitement. But wtot struck my attention GOVBRNOB OP CACONA. m most of all was the appearance presented by Fester. As the reading of the bills proceeded, he had gradually drawn himself up on the desk on which he was sitting, till he was at last fairly crouched on all fours, his arms supporting his body, and his head thrust out, like some villainous reptile about to spring on its prey. I never saw anything so diabolical as the expression of his countenance, and a cold 4. -ipiration comes over me even now when I think of it. All this 1 saw in a glance, as one sees a precipice in a dream— a precipice down which a demon is chasing you, and from which not a single hair is suspended that could save you.— "A Bill to reward certain Suckers"— the words were ringing in my ears for months afterwards : at that moment each syllable had the force of a cannon's roar— of a whole battery of cannons, which had been ex- ploded at my feet. I do not know if I paused one second or a thousand : I recollect just glancing round to catch a sight of poor Pinkerton's pale face, who was standing trembling at ray elbow, and then, with an inward prayer, I made one strong effort, and in terms pronounced so distinctly that the very echo seemed emphatic, I declared in Her Majesty's name my DISTINCT REFUSAL TO PASS THAT BILL. •••••*••• What occurred afterwards is the shadow of a dream. For a moment I know there was a dead pause : then I saw the heated man in the gallery throw up his hands and rush out, shouting so triumphantly thatit sent the blood back to my heart again. Then came a confusion of many tongues, and I was surrounded by an enraged crowd who shook their fists in my face and called me opprobrious epithets. BuUyman was in the van— the ferocious BuUyman— raging like a mad ox, and there too were Shanks and Buster, heaping such insults on my head, that I weep even now with s. ime and morlifioation 180 ■OW I CAMB TO f" -.i I h y^ .«^, -'^^ V%^.".va5^ IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) (/. 1.0 I.I 1.25 1.8 U III 1.6 V] vQ ^/). M w 7 Photographic Sciences Corporation \ "•Q^ 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, NY. 14580 (716) 872-4503 ^ N? :\ \ 9> r\? ^^ i^ '^ 182 BOW I CAME TO BE flying from the hounds, without cover nigh or any ap- parent means of escape, I found myself once more under the roof of the now more than ever hated vice-regal resi- dence. GOVERNOR OF CACONA. 188 CHAPTER XXIII. I prepare to abdicate my Honors and learc the Island. HE clock was just striking two as we entered the house and I could g have imagined it was sounding the knell of my de- parted hopes. In the short time which had elaps- ed since I set out to visit the Roundabout, the full result of my mission to Cacona had been proclaimed, and I was ready to abdi- cate my honors, if such abdication were possible. This thought was uppermost in my mind when Pin- kerton addressed me. " Thistleton," said he, " take my advice ; there is no time to be lost. In a short time BuUyman and his ruffians will be here, and God knows whai will be the conse- quence. Let us leave this cursed place. You know the promise you made roe : now is the time to put it in ex- ecution. If we remain here four-and-twenty hours longer, you will fall a victim to the fury of the Suckers, and I — " he did not finish the sentence, but I knew what he meant. The suggestion chimed in too well with my own thoughts to be resisted ; but how were we to escape — where were we to fly to— and to whom could we look for protection .' On ithese points Pinkerton was totally at a loss. Be^ m 164 HOW I CAME to BE I' • -^i yond the idea of getting away, he had nothing to propose, and now that I suggested the difficulties which lay in the way of such a proceeding, he went almost distracted. In this dilemma, my thoughts once more reverted to old Mr. Grey of the " Briers." If I could find him out, I entertained a hope that I might still be able to bafHe my enemies. I, therefore, proposed to Pinkerton that we should endeavour to reach that gentleman's residence, of the position of which he as well as myself had an indistinct recollection. Having come to this conclosiun, we at once set about making such preparations as we considered necessary for our flight, which consisted simply in putting up a few indispensable articles of wearing apparel in one of Pin- kerton's carpet-bags. Whilst we were completing these arrangements, we were more than once startled by a distant sound like the gathering of many voices, and by the time we had finish- ed, we were both impressed painfully with the coavic- tion that our friends the ^uckem were about to pay us another visit. "Come," said Pinkerton, throwing the carpetrbag over his shoulders in evident trepidation, " come, let us be off: there is nobody below, and we can get out of the back door before they are here ; come, come." Sadly, but not reluctantly, I prepared to follow my faitb- ful Secretary. Still, as I took a last glance at the apartments in which my short-lived honors had been borne, I felt my resolution gradually melting away; but it was now too late to draw back. Every instant the voices of the ferocious Suckers were becoming more distinct, and in five minutes more esci^ might be impossible. Not without an effort, therefore, I breatljed a short adieu to all my departed greatness, and locking the doors after me as 1 w«it out, hurried on to join my impatient companion. GOTEBHOB OP CACOKA. 18i As Pi?;lr you have doubtless heard how they treated Sir Hercules Mudpool, yourpredecessor.'* " No," I said, " some allusion was made to it by Mr. Fester, but so darkly that I did not understand what he meant." " Well, perhaps, 1 should not mention it either, but at your Excellency will, I trust, be far out of the reach of your late friends before many hours are over, it can do no great harm. The fact is. Sir Hercules came out as you did to govern Cacona on the new principles of the Co- lonial OfRce : that is, he was to do everything the " greatest possible number" told him to do, and never to listen to the expostulations of minorities. The conse- quence was, that he fell unconsciously into the power of Mr. Bullyman & Co., who for a time nearly worrited hit life out. Sir Hercules, however, though not a very bril- liant man was a very proud one, and the termination of it all was, that having had a furious quarrel with his Cabinet one day, he put an end to the dispute by kicking them one after another into the street, with the exception of FestQT, and him he pitched out of the window. So far so good ; but that night an attack was made on the Governmem House by a ruffianly mob, who broke open the door, and made their way into Sir Hercules' bed- room. The Governcw beard them coming, knocked down a dozen or two with the poker, and defended himself like a hero. But what can one man do against five hun- dred ? In short, they overpowered him, carried Mm to the market-place, and there, amidst yellings and hoot- ings which would have disgraced a band (rf wild Indians —they brutally- >> ■ ■ ^^B^ '9E 'l^W ^Hli 'MSSk GOVEltNOB OF CAtX)irA. 198 ** Murdered him !»' " No not quite sr bad as that, but cut ofT both his eart. You. will hardly believe it, but it is a fact. My son-in- law, Mr. Vaughan, was present and saw it. What is more after they had completed the job, they erected B high pole on the spot, which remains, for aught I know to this day." * ** And what became of Sir Hercules?" I asked. "Oh he went home immediately afterwards, and has since got into Parliament. He was a roaring radical when he came out here, but the Suckers cured him of that. He makes a capital Conservative member, but without ears, of course !" I will not attempt to describe my feelings, during the time Mr. Grey was narrating this history. I now saw the meaning of Mr. Rit-tit-too-too-ee Baker's singular conduct and comprehended the dark allusions of the little wretch Fester. Cut off a Governor's ears ! Good Heavens, what an escape I had had, and how I began to long for the arrival of the Sea Gull. *' If your Excellency has really made up your mind to leave," said Mr. Grey, apparemly divining the thoughts which were agitating my mind, « we must lose no time in taking steps to apprise Capt. Thomas of the fact. The usual signal is by sending up three rockets from Mud Harbour Creek, but that would attract too much atten- tion just now, and we must try and devise some other plan. I will speak to Mr. Vaughan, and see what he thinks we'd best do." We accordingly consulted Mr. Vaughan, who, as well as Mr. Grey, saw some difficulty in the matter. To have recourse to the ordinary signal, would be to bring down the Suckers upon us ; and to send out a boat— which wa« the next best expedient— necessitated the employing some of the boatmen about the harbour, none of whom, in my friends opinion, were to be trusted, having been 194 HOW I OAHB TO BS ail won over to the Sucker cause by Uie Tommy ^od bounty. Whilst my new advisers were discussing this matter, I stood fumbling in my waistcoat pockets, in a state of great mental uneasiness, when by mere accident I drew out a narrow slip of paper, which I at once recognised a» the identical one which Mr. Rit-tit-too-too-ee Baker had thrown into tiie boat on the night I was leaving the Sea GuU. I had crumbled it up in my hands, and was about to tear it to pieces, when it occurred to me that there might be something in the contents useful in my present situation; and therefore, removing the hi^e mass of rosin that served as a seal, I proceeded to spell out the contents, which coi«sisted simply of the following mysterious words — ^ Bill Stig^Mi u stauiicb. Enquir« of Big JUta at the Three Jolljp ^< What can this mean }** 1 asked, banding the singular epistle to Mr. Vaughan. " The very man,*' he exclaimed, when he bad glanced at the contents. Bill Stiggins is the man ; it is strange we never thought of him before : Here Perkins, (ad- dressing an attendant) run down to the Three Jolly Beg- gars, and tell Bill Stiggins to get his boat ready at the east side of the Harbour immediately. By the time be i» there, he will receive a letter from me, which he will take off to the Sea GuUf and deliver to Capt. John Thoma» himself. Tell him to take no one with him but bis son, and not to mention to the people about the Uarlxxr where be is bound to — though that is hardly necessary, for the fellow is so confounded close that I don't believe he would give the pass word to St. Peter himself." The messenger havii^ been dispatched, Mr. Vaugha» sat himself down to write a letter to the Captain of the Sta GiUl. This he did in a few lines, simp^ statinj§; that pressing business rendered it necessary I should leave: GOVEBNOS OP CAOONA.. 195 the Island at once, and directing him to stand in as close as he could, and send a strong crew with his best boat to the east side of the Harbour, without a moment's de- lay. To this was added an injunction, that as a means of warnmg us when we were to expect him, he should send up a rocket as soon as the boat left the vessel. " There," he said, after he had sealed up the letter and delivered it to another messenger, with strict orders to put It safely into Mr. Stiggins' own hands-" there— now if fortune will only give us two or three hours more, we may bid defiance to Mr. Bullyman and all of hia gang » '» ) IM HOW I CAMS TO BE R.1 CHAPTER XXV. Id which 1 have a conversation with Mr. Vaughan on Colonial OovemmeoL 4 WUtLW OUR Excellency will enterlain but a poor opinion of Cacona, I fear,'* observed Mr. Vaughan, as he took a seat by my side, after the messenger had been dispatched. " You will look upon us as barbarians, and on our Government as a burlesque of every thing honorable and respectable. But there are brighter shades'to the picture, and dark as is the cloud which at present hangs over us, I can see dawn in the distance.'' " How !" I exclaimed, "can anything redeem such a state of things as I have witnessed here ? IVlen of the calibre of Messrs. Shanks and BuUyman placed by the popular voice at the head of affairs, and every thing sacrificed to the demon of party ?" " Why, yes, that is bad enough certainly," replied Mr. Vaughari, " but yet the case is not hopeless. You see in Cacona, Mr. Thistleton, the first effect of the democratic wave, bringing the lightest and most worthless materials GOVERMOE OP CACONA. 197 Dvernmeot to the surface ; but do not judge entirely by that ; wait for a a time, and by the same law which gives the worthless mass its prominence, !l ji sink and disappear/* " For how long, Mr. lughan ?" " For ever, I trust," I shook my head. " Well," he continued, " you have some leason to judge us harshly, but it must be borne in mind that we are just now learning a new political lesson. For a longtime the Government of this Island was very different from what you witness to-day— not ill-suited to the early Condition of a people, but totally at variance with the ideas of Government— both Colonial and Imperial— which at present prevail. Against this form of Government, a clamour arose. As in the days of our old friend ^Esop, the frogs cried out for a new constitution. Well, at last it came— not calmly, like a star at midnight, but amid the howling of demagogues and the rage of contending fac- tions. What could you expect ? You have seen a child handling a watch, Mr. Thistleton, (that is, if as a bachelor you ever deign to notice such trifles), how, whilst it listens with delight to the tickings, and notices with amazement the movement of the hands, it pants to get at the works, and play havoc with the skilful machinery. Well, just so is it with us. The constitution is our watch, and pretty confusion (it must be admitted) we have at times made of the works— turning the machine up and down, and twisting it about, after the manner of learned babied, till it will no more answer to the actual hour than it can speak its own name." " And knowing this, what hopes can you have in the future— what rational belief in a better stale of things ?»' " The hope I have in the progress of human intelligence and improvement— the belief I have in good over bad. Political education, Mr. Thistleton, is not the work of a day. The institutions of England did not mature in a f: m HOW t CAME TO BE week, or a month, or ft century, and there were Jack Cades and Jack Straws before there were Hampdens and Sydneys. '"'o value a thing highly, one rnu»t have pos- sessed it sometime — have struggled with it through difficulties, and have grown familiar with its every phase. In working out a new system of Government, Mr. This- tleton, there is always infinite danger. The uncertainty which exists as to the exact limits assigned to each power, renders each of these powers in its turn, jealous and exacting ; every slight misunderstanding is exaggerated into a constitutional grievance, and what under a more matured system would scarcely excite a breeze, swells itself into a storm. There is a raging over trifles and battlings over nothings. This is the time for knaves and fools to become great men, and they are " great" accord- ingly. But he who opines from this that the system itself is unfit, and would exchange it for some crude theory of his own, sadly mistakes human nature, which in these throes and strugglings is bat adapting itself to the new design — challenging (rudely enough it may be) its own existence, and testing its powers with the reckless confi- dence of new-born liberty. It is out of this nettle danger, we pluck the flower safely. Be assured Mr. Thistleton, all will yet be well in Cacona.*' ** I am glad to hear you say so, Mr. Vaughan ; I had thought the Colonial mind quite impracticable. I am glad to hear you speak so confidently." " You do not know the Colonial mind, Mr. Thistleton ; how quick it is to apprehend — how eager to win — how formed to succeed. You know nothing of its high aspir- ation, its devotion, and (may i use the word in presence of yonder burning pile ?) its loyalty. They are a noble fieW these Colonies, Mr. Thistleton, and there are noble men who inhabit them, — the giant sons of a great race, who will yield in nothing to tlieir ancestors. What you have witnessed, has been but a huge burlesque — a grand ''■|'!i III' aOVBRNOR OP OAOONA. I9» farce, which, were you to write a book on it (and I hope you will), would gain you a reputation second only to Baron Munchausen." " Still," I said, " I cannot understand how it is that the Suckers should have used me as they did, or how the Government fell so completely into their hands. Mr. Bullyman and Mr. Fester both told me I was " nothing," and in truth I think they were right." "Knaves as they are," said Mr. Vaughan, smiling, ** they knew better. The fact is, your Excellency, you have seen demonstrated in Cacona the extreme evils ol what is called party Government, which is the same in its reeults all over the world, and practically the most grievous of tyrannies. Unused to the exercise of poli- tical power, each party in this Island has in its turn made the possession of that power a means of persecu- tion against the other : the result has been a legislation of halves — now Sucker, now Bullfrog. In your Excellency's case, circumstances combined to throw you altogether into the hands of the Suckers, who made use of you as a means to elevate themselves and crush their political opponents. The effects of such a plan would be bad under any circum- stances, but carried to the extent to which it has beein carried in Cacona, it has become almost insupportable. Still excuse me if I say that, had your Excellency a little belter understood your own position, this could not have happened. A skilful Governor, Mr. Thistlelon, well up to the management of parties, would never have merged into a mere Caconian minister, or have consented to play second fiddle to a vulgar Roundabout leader. Withmil seeming to govern, he would always hold the reins, and whilst listening to advice, would never forget his own authority, or sacrifice his own honor and dig- nity." " But," said I, " I could never find out where the reins were. Mr. Bullyman must have hid thera under his pea too HOW I CAME TO BB jacket. You know he prides himself oa being a first- rate whip." " First rate,'* said Mr. Vaughan, langhing, " But a riper condition of public opinion will soon settle Mr. Bullyman. In Cacona, as elsewhere, as political knowledge advances — and it will advance — a better order of men will assume the direction of public affairs. The next Governor will, I trust, find out that the task of governing according to Bri- tish precedent, is not impossible in a British Colony. If on your return home, Mr. Thistleton, you should see the Colo- nial Minister, or any other of those great men who rule the destinies of that mighty nation, tell them not to be dis- heartened by past experience in Cacona : tell them, that though sorely tried, the Colonial heart is still sound, and that in the midst of some impatience — some doubts, and some fears — there still exists an ardent desire that this Island, not quite so barren or valueless as it may appear to you, should for ages yet to come form part of the glorious appanage of the British crown — prospering under British Institutions — sheltered under the British flag, and strong, very strong, in British hearts and British impulses — having a common glory and renown with the parent stock — a common aim — a common destiny." Mr. Vaughan rose as he uttered these last words, and left the room, leaving me behind to chew the cud of bitter reflection, and wonder how it was that I, who prided himself on writing a book on " Colonies and Coloniza- tion " had failed to make the discovery, that the task of a (Jovernor is — to govern. QOYEKNOB OP CACONA. 201 CHAPTER XXVI. I take leave of my friends, and prepare for my flijjht. AN hour had well nigh worn away, and Pinkerton and I were standing at the window, watching with impatience for the signal which was to announce the departure of the boat from the Sea Gull, The shades of night were beginning to close in, and the sky looked dark and tempestuous, very much as it did on the night when I landed at Antioch. In the distance the ruins of my late residence still presented a fiery mass, though it was evident the conflagration had expended its fury, and was beginning to decline. As I looked on, the events of the last few months came vividly before my mind. From the moment I received the fatal letter from the Colonial Secretary, to my last interview with the Suckers in the senatorial chamber of the Drowsyheads, what a strange concatination of events ! — what a singular history ! As I was musing in this way, and almost doubting whether the whole was not a dream, a long fiery track of light in the distance proclaimed the signal of the departure of the boat from the Sea Gull. ''There goes the rocket," exclaimed Mr. Vaughan, who had been standing near me ; " now gentlemen, there is no time to be lost. We have a long drive before us, and Mud Harbor Creek is a nasty place to visit after dark.'* We accordingly hastened to put on some suitable cloth- ing our friends had provided for us, and these preliminaries arranged, I prepared to take leave of our kind protectors. " May God bless you," I said, taking the hand which Mr. Grey extended to me : "I have been a sad plague to tOk HOW I CAME TO BE you from the first ; but such wag not my intention, 1 assure you. I have found out that it is easier to write about Colonies than to govern them, and I only wish that some of my friends at home who talk so wisely about these things, would just come and try their hands with the Suckers. But God bless you again : my heart is too full to say all that I would wish— only^ Qo4 bless you — God bless you !" ** Good-by," said the old gentleman, as ho pressed my hands warmly in his own—" Good-by ; I wish wc coq^ld have kept you amongst us for a while; but every thing [^ for the best. God bless you, and may you find a pleasanter task next time than the Government of the Island of Cacona.'* With a sorrowful heart, I sighed my last adieu to my kind friends, and following Mr. Vaughan, descended the steps and entered the coach which was to bear me away from my Capital, and all the short-lived honors for which I had once so eagerly panted. Jericho was, as I have already explained, some ten o? twelve miles from Antioch, which was the town nearest to Mud Harbour Creek. But there was anoiher road leading from the Capital to the east side of the Harbour, which was considerably shorter, and this was the one Mi. Vaughan now selected. Very little was said as we proceeded along : I was too much engaged in my own thoughts to seek conver- sation, and as for Pinkerton, as the time of our deliver- ance drew nigh, his trepidation only seemed to increase. We therefore journeyed on in silence ; for Mr. Vaughan, whose character seemed naturally reserved, was too polite to disturb us. After about an hour's travelling, the vehicle stopfied, and we descended on to a flat marshy 8wamp» which 1 had no difficulty in recognizing as forming a part of the natural inlet or harbour which my Ministry had designed GOYEBlfOB OF CACONA. to make i receptacle of the navies and commerce of the world. At some distance before us, 1 could see the moon shining on the dark waters which were soon to interpose their barrier between us and our malignant pursuers. With some ditficultyjwe made our way through the mud which everywhere surrounded us, and reached a slight promontary, where we found Mr. Vaughan's messenger waiting to receive us. The boat, however, had not yet arrived, and its absence caused us some uneasiness as well as perplexity. As nothing, however, could be done, we wrapped our- selves up in our cloaks, and awaited impatiently its arrival. Tlie wind blew fresh from the east, and numbed me, as I walked up and down the muddy beach. All around looked dark, damp, and uncomfortable — very much as we had found it on the night of our arrival ; 1 was thinking of these things, and glancing anxiously over the waves for the expected bark, when my attention was attracted by the sudden appearance of lights on the opposite side of the harbour. At first one, then two, then three, and at last a very illumination of torches. " By Jove," I heard Mr. Vaughan exclaim at the same moment — " the scoundrels are after us : but they are a little too late : here comes the boat —that's right, Jem ! Pull heartily my boys : that's all right : now your Excel- lency, there's no time to be lost — ^jump in Sir, (this was addressed to Pinkerton) — there you are — now then, a safe voyage, your Excellency, and may to-morrow find you safe away and far from the Island of Cacona." I pressed Mr. Vaughan's hand, and the next moment was sitting by the side of Pinkerton, riding over the waves on my way to the Sea Gull. t04 HOW I CAMS TO DB lance between us. CHAPTER XXVII. Detailing; the particulars of the pursuit. |HE boat impelled by the vigorous efforts of the Sea Gu. a crew, made her way briskly through the water. My attention, however, was fixed on a single light which was moving I in a course obliquely to the one we were pursuing, with a speed which was rapidly diminishing the dis- Although the darkness was too great to enable me to perceive any object, I felt satisfied that this light proceeded from our pursuers, and that if we did not speedily reach the steamer, they would in all proba- bility overtake us. Stimulated by this danger, I seized an oar which was lying at the bottom of the boat, and lent my efforts to those of the rowers. A quarter of an hour might now have elapsed sin- .e we had left the shore, all traces of which had disappeared, and yet no signs were to be seen of the steamer. " Do those follows want to run us down," I heard the man who was sitting on the seat nearest mc, mutter to his companion, as he looked over his shoulder in the direction of the moving light, which every moment seemed to be bringing nearer and nearer. " Row on for Heaven's sake, my fine fellows," I exclaimed, " if you put me safely on board, I will reward you handsomely for your trouble.'* Thus encouraged, the crew bent to their work with an earnestness which sent tlie light galley flying like light- ning over the waves. OO^ERNOR OF CAOONA. 205 This effort on our part did not escape the attention of our pursuers, for in the couTHe of a short time a faint shout came over the water, and then we became aware that the boat in which le light was, had received an increased motion, and was coming down on us more rapidly than before. " Hang those fellows, they pull like niggers," observed one of the crew ; " I reckon they were not brought up with white gloves on their fingers.'* A few minutes more and I felt that our fate was deci- ded. In spite of all the efforts of our crow, the distance between the boats was being rapidly diminished. Already we couid hear the movement of their oars in the rowlocks and catch the outlines of the forms of the rowers as they laboured like demons at their work. Several times, as the unsteady light of the torch which was burning in the bow, fell on uplifted faces, I thought I recognised features which for months past had haunted me in my dreams, and once I could have sworn I heard my own name men- tioned by a voice which was either Fester's or the devil's ! The struggle had now become intense : on our side, the crew of the Sea Gull pulled with a vigour which nothing short of desperation could have inspired. Still that terrible light came steadily on — now a short distance in the rear, now parallel with ourselves, and now running right across our path. Then it was that I again saw distinctly the features of my malignant pursuers. There was Buster, with his red night-cap on, standing with an uplifted oar in his hand ready for vengeance : there too was Fester, armed v/ith a huge pair of shears, and though last not least, Bullyman roaring and cursing like a madman. " Pull away my merry men," exclaimed the manly voice of our steersman, as by a dexterous movement, we swept by the now almost stationary bark of the Suckers, and went swiftly a-head. t06 now I CAME TO BB ** Down with him— swamp him— stone hirn— murder him," shP'Jfp' i (l'»z«*n infuriate voices ; — but I heard no more, for at I . '"^ ulwark? of the Sea Gully with Mr. Rit-tit-too- too-e^ Bakei by his side. How I /T"t on board, and lu 'V Pinkerton followed me, arc matit i.^ ii'/ 'vriKcn in the tablets (/ my memory. — The only thing oi which I have a distinct recollection is seeing Mr. Rit-tit-too-too-ce Baker throw down a pail of screeching hot water on some half dozen distinguished Suckers, who were yelling hideously in a ptrrlicularly fast going cutter which was riding below ; and that this was followed by a yell of fright, pain, and despair which would have frightened the life into one of Mr. Belzoni'e best preserved mummies. U " They got it pretty well," said the Captain to me the ■•xtmorningatbreakfa8t,as we wore steamingalong some L and red good miles from the Island of ('acona ; " I ra- ther guess it will be sometime before they go Governor hunting again." OOTBRKOR or CAOOKA. CHAPTER XXVril. Bving tho lant uf thii strange . >nlf ul hiiitory, JUST three weeks aster iUr event last re* corucd, Pinkerton and I were riding up Flect-Blreet, on i>i)r way b.i' '< to our old quarters. We had had a pleasant voyage, andliadtakcn leave of Caj>'i\in Thomas and Mr. Baker the night before at Southamp- ton. It wa^) just six months since we had left London, and W<' wore qi iic surprised to find that nothing appeared at all iltpi-cd. " Only look," said Pinkerton, who was in high spirits, ** There's old Trotters, the law stationer, coming out of the square, and there's Pigswig, the Bencher, who thought BO much of the Respirator— and there's Bellows, too, m his gown— how nice and jolly they all look !" As the vehicle turned into the Square, I leant forward to catch a sight of our oUI quarters. There it stood, as Pinkerton said, "looking just as na- lural as ever." Our names were still on the door, and as I looked out, who should make his appearance but Mr. fliggins, the landlord, himself. He was surprised but very pleased to see us. " Step in boys," he said, " just step in — there's everything just as you left it, and if you chose to take it again, why say so, and have it. After all, you weren't such very bad ten- ants." Just as we left it ! There wasn't a doubt of it. There was r[ comfortable fire burning in the grate, to keep the place " haired," as Mr. Higgitis said— and there, too, was Pinkerton's sofa bedstead, and my chest of drawers, and the book-case, and the hat box which had served a» a coal-skuttle — everything just as we left it. 90S HOW I CAME TO BE (t m m Well, boys, what do you say ?" enquired Mr Hig- gins. Can any one doubt what we said ? If he does, only let him come in some night when Pinkerton is brewing the " bishop," and the fire is burning brightly, and the big tabby cat ispurringaway on therug, and the smoke of the cigar is ascending in light wreaths to the ceiling, and he will have a pretty good idea of the answer we gave Mr. Higgins. But what became of Mr. Wolfe, jun., — and where are all the Suckers— and what of the Isb nd of Cacona ? Goodness knows ! but I will tell all 1 know. My affairs with the Colonial Office were easily settled. Mr. Wolfe, sen. had managed matters so capitally that when certain notes of hand were all covered, my official emoluments had vanished. That old gentleman, I believe, still flourishes, and I have no doubt that any newly appointed Governor, who requires his services, may have them on the same terms that 1 did. As to Mr. Wolfe, jun., he has since filled, I am told, a number of high Colonial Offices, and, by the last advices, had been appointed Chief Justice of the Island of Ascen- sion, with unlimited jurisdiction over the wild goats and turtles. As to Cacona— it was only yesterday, that whilst Pink, and 1 were taking our breakfast, I read the following announcement from the columns of the Times : " We understnnd that the Hon. Mr. Flunky Foosler has been appointed to the Qovernnient of the Island of Cacona." "Oh, Cupid, prince of gods and men, have mercy on him !" exclaimed Pinkerton, on my proclaiming the fact. To which chaste and classic wish, I only added AMEM. L'ENVOY TO THE READER. ■ ■^•^•v-.•^>. %-« s. Y respected friend the publisher, having- put the history of the Governor of Ca- cona into my hands, for my deliberate opinion thereon, previous to publication, i proceeded to acquit myself of that duty. In the first place, my attention was called to the particular form of composition of the book, and on this point, I for some lime entertained very serious doubts, not knowing whether to regard the work as purely fabulous and imaginary in its character, or whether I ought to view it as grave matter of history, in which, as in the record of the great Roman historian, actual facts are mixed up with much that is neither probable nor even reasonable. After due consideration, however, and yielding to the subject all the attention wliich a question of such grave importance deserves, I came to the conclusion that the history of the Governor of Ca- cona was neither entirely fabulous, nor strictly historical ; but that it bore a kind of composite character, in which fact and fiction are strongly blended, and both so colored with the peculiar fancy of the author, as to render it in many instances diflicult to distinguish one from the other. The proof that the history ol the Governor of Cacona is f: 210 LENTOY. i 11. I not an actual auto-Biography, was to my mmd very ap- parent. In the first place, I have been unable to dis- cover any such place as the Island of Cacona. On appli- cation to a friend at the Colonial Office, he assures me that, in the course of his long experience in that depart- men't he never recollects to have heard of the name. It is veo' improbable, therefore, that any such place ex- ists But this though strong evidence against the his- torical character of the work, is not entirely conclusive. As a POLITICAL ALLEGORY, it would be allowable, and, indeed, strictly correct, to keep the thing actually in- tended to be represented, out of view, leaving it to the intelli<'ence of the reader to make out the points of compa^iison ; and this is what the author of the Governor of Cacona seems to me to have done. Whilst I cannot find that he has represented any actually existing com- munity or drawn his illustrations and facts from any one particular source, 1 do consider that he has intended, and has indeed, succeeded, in bringing under one point of view, and concentrating in one humorous focus, many of the evils which threaten new political bodies, and render dangerous the assumption of new political powers. Viewed in this light, much of what may appear at the first blush to be extravagant, will vanish. That a Governor should ride into his Government on the shoulders of a future Cabinet Minister, would indeed out- Herod-Herod, were it not intended to furnish a clue to the future history of the work, by which the same Governor be- comes a helpless victim in the hands of men who merely degrade themselves before him, that they may more ef- fcctually degrade him in their turn. Indeed, from the moment of his first landing in Cacona, the fate of the new Governor is sufficiently shadowed forth. He is to be the mere reflex of his ministry-a facile instrument, whereby power is to be thrown into the hands of un- gcrupulous men, who value the inestimable gift of a free L'ENVOY. 211 constitution only as it can be made the means of depress- ing and insulting their political opponents. That in- stances of this intolerance of party, and of weakness in Governors, have been afforded, is, I am assured, matter of fact. I have been told of Colonies in which political parties have carried their animosities almost as far as Bullfrog and Sucker, and in which Governors have not been much more fortunate than the Governor of Cacona. I do not pretend to say — for 1 have not been able to dis- cover—that any representative of Her Majesty was ever deprived of his ears, but I might refer— (though with feelings I could not venture to express) — to attacks of a similar character to the one recorded in this volume, which seem to render even ear mutilation something less than a pleasant burlesque. Besides, if there is no in- stance of a Governor having ever been deprived of his ears, it is, I am assured, matter of fact, that in one of the principal Provinces of British North America, an unfor- tunate newspaper editor, whose intrepid expression of his political opinions had rendered him obnoxious to the opposite faction, was actually subjected to this species of punishment. Nor, (to add further strength to the illus- tration,) is it a very long lime since, that a distinguished political leader, who now, I believe, holds a high place in Her Majesty's Colonial Councils, having had a mis- understanding with the head of the Government, did publicly, and in print, threaten that nobleman that he "would employ a black man to horsewhip him through the capital" ; nor have i ever been able to learn that this gentlemanly and spirited conduct has in any degree af- fected the political standing or influence of the author, or prevented him from being favorably received at the tables of future Colonial Governors. Takingthese circumstances, therefore, into consideration, I am compelled to come to the conclusion that some of the " extravagancies" which flS L BWTOY. form the ground-work of the " Governor of Cacona," are not so very extravagant after all. Again, if an illustration from historic fact is required, it is only necessary to refer to the "Narrative" of Sir Francis BondHead to find it. The truth is, that there is nothing recounted by Mr. Thistleton, respecting his appointment to the Government of the Island of Cacona, which bears so much the air of burlesque as the account given by Sir Francis Bond Head himself of his own appointment. Let the reader compare the following extract from the opening pages of the " Narrative," with the correspond- ing event in Mr. Thistleton's history, and then declare impartially which is the caricature— the Government messenger, with his batch of letters and shrewd know- ledge of human nature, sitting on the door-steps of the briefless Barrister's Chambers, soliloquizing on men and things, or the half-dressed servant with " a tallow candle illumining an honest countenance," coming to inform the under poor-law Commissioner in his blankets, that " a King's officer has come after him" :— " It had blown almost a hurricane from S. S. W.— the sheep in Romney Marsh had huddled together in groups— the cattle afraid to feed, were stand- ing with their taUa to the Btorm— I hiid been all day immured in New Roro - ney with the Board of Guardians of the Marsh Union ; and though several times my horse had been nearly blown off the road, I had managed to return to my lodging at Cranbrook, and with my heaihes, and oven interests were concerned, to adhere to my opinion." DlFFICULTIKI ABOUT A " SWKKT." " I must now mention a few details, which though not very interesting t« relate, had perhaps better not Im withheld from the public. •' In my interview with Mr. Stephen, I learnt that, from motives of •conomy, which in a moment of so much alleged danger I could not clearly comprehend, tliere would be a difficulty in continuing to mo an aid-de camp, and that not only was I to receive £500 a year less salary than my predeces- sor, but that, instead of his military remuneration, which amounted, I under- stood, to nearly £1000 a year, I was to forfeit to tlio Government my half- pay as major in the army. " On n>y arrival at Brighton, in order to be presented to the King, j explained the difficulty which had been raised about my aid-decamp, to which it was replied, " you really ought not to go out without one !" " Every body thus seemed to agree with my theory, and yet nothing was settled. At last Mr. Stephen took me to Lord Howick, and after considerable trouble I was authoriied to appoint Lient. Hulkctt, of the Coldstream Guards, as my aid-de-camp. Hard Woek and Littlb Pat. «' Aa my time was very short, my attention was much engrossed in read- tag over a voluminou* correspondence which wa.3 placed before me io tha I S80 KXTkACTS. Culoniiil Office. I \m\ to wind up. or rttt»nr to cut, tho thrca«l of my bu«ln«M with tho l'(K)r Law CommiH«i<)n. and hud oNo my private iiflTttira to icttle ; ftcotrdingly th« day of my departurf iirrivud witliout any tennn with th« Ouyommtiit having bttou Hati>«factorily iottlod. I had boon subjected to considerable \o^xe% by beinx called upon ho nuddcnly to break up my etttab li^hmont; and for temporary outfit I had Iwun thus Nubjectod to »iyp«msoii •xcoi'tling £600. " In t/ider that tho King's promi't' to tho LegiMlature of Upper Canaila ■hould Iw fnltille.l, instead of Iwin,' nent, um had been customary, in a King's •hip, I wiiH d.'Hirud to proceed with my suite, which conHinted of my aid-de- camp, my Civil Secretary, fee, by llie packet t«i New York, from whence I waa to tnin«|H»rt them, as well a« my ImK^nge. '" tlie depth of winter, through tho United States to Canada; and in order to indemnify me for all theH« \owtn, outfit, ond cxpenHCo, I was oflfered on the morning of my uepartura X300, of which, I was* U)ld, it would be necesHary to retain i.'2B0 for the f««B of my commission. •' With my suite I immediately net ttfT for Liverp tka jfCtcd to ly oHtab ■ OanadK 1 a King's ly nid-dfl- whoiico I •, through all th«>M« ijeparturo for the on board our, when )ointinent BuppoBed eut, to bo ill merely mo on 9o making, at I, without e defeat /" lurKCH that Imd never loction, or drove into gnuted mo id, occord- rhich they 1 in a very nca deeply