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CIHM/ICMH 
 
 Microfiche 
 
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 CIHM/ICMH 
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 Canadian Institute for Historical Microreproductions Institut Canadian de microreproductions historiques 
 
 1980 
 
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 illustre la mdthode : 
 
 1 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 1 
 
 2 
 
 3 
 
 4 
 
 5 
 
 6 
 
X 
 
 I 
 
 i 
 
 ■■*'; 
 
 -''4 
 
LITTLE NOBODY 
 
 ^ J^ainj Jllaj) for J^airy |)eople 
 
 HY 
 
 F. A. 1). 
 
 Tzm 
 
 ) 
 
 TORONTO 
 ADAM, STEVENSON & CO 
 
 1875. 
 
I i 
 
 i i 
 
 i \ 
 
 I 
 
 PIXgm f.fi 
 
 i ■ 1 
 
 !,|, 
 
 W. (i. (iibsoii. I'nuttir. 
 
 Hmitcr, Rose Jf Co., IJiiidcrs. 
 
 i 
 
TO THE 
 
 CHILDREN OF THEIR EA'CELLENCIES; 
 
 THE EARL AND COUNTESS OF DUFFERIN. 
 
 THE 
 
 FOR 
 
 &^lhosc (Ehristmas Jfnn tlusi; ^Ings tocrc torittcn. 
 
 THIS LITTLE VOLUME, 
 lVi(// this as sole excuse for its nonsense, 
 
 IS 
 
l; 
 
 M 
 
 I * 
 
 i* 
 
 \l 
 
h 1 T T J. E N B J) y . 
 
 DRAMATIS PERSONMi. 
 
 LiTTi.K Nobody. -/I hody whom everybody will find fn In; Somflwdi/ 
 \i/fer all. 
 
 I iM THE TooTBR. —A poor musician who picks out his (s) own (n) oaln. 
 I with one finger), and tins sells in the streets. Afterwards / / ; 
 
 The Oore.—A true philantropist—" nuff sed." 
 
 But no.' She i.i a 
 
 The Ogress.— 0/aW the dreadful, horrid wo- 
 homan, and the bonnet must be respected. 
 
 Princess Sunnylocks.— ^4 beauty in distress and white muslin, to whum 
 lis dress is most becoming. 
 
 King of the Fairies, 
 
 and 
 
 \' 
 
 (,)UEEN OF THE FaIRIES. | 
 
 Monarchs of the Glen ; no strangers to their 
 Land-see-here. 
 
 Voice of an Unseen Herald.— rAouz/A it may he called clar it can- 
 Vol be said to have much body ; no matter. 
 
 The Scene is laid somewhere in the East. 
 Costumes —Of any year sufficiently queer. 
 
 Scene ist.— Interior of Tim's Cottage. Scene 2nd.— Ogre Castle. 
 
 Scene 3rd.— Same as Scene ist. 
 
 Scene 4th.— The Enchanted Dell, and Haunt of the Fairies. 
 
!!! 
 
 I 
 
 CAST OF CHARACTERS. 
 
 IN 
 
 4i^trntttit<^tli %nu,, fttawa. 
 
 NEW YEAR'S DAY, 1876. 
 
 i: 
 
 i: 
 
 Little Nobody jj^^ 
 
 Tim the Tooter - - - • 
 
 The Ogfre 
 
 The Ogress 
 
 Princess Sunnylocks --.... 
 
 King of the Fairies Mr. Edward Littleton. 
 
 Queen of the Fairies Miss Margaret Littleton 
 
 Hesrald 
 
 Fairies : - 
 
 ^ Dew Drop 
 Pemseed 
 Rosebud - 
 Dayseye 
 
 Terence Blackwood. 
 Viscount Clandeboye. 
 Captain Hamilton, A.D.C. 
 Captain Ward, A.D.C. 
 Lady Helen Blackwood. 
 
 Mr. Algernon Littleton. 
 
 Hon. Basil Blackwood. 
 
 Mr. Algernon Littleton. 
 Lady Hermione Blackwood. 
 Lady Victoria Blackwood, 
 
LITTLE NOBODY 
 
 SCENE L 
 
 Cottage of Tim the Tooter. Enter Tim, L., holding penny 
 
 whistle in his hand. 
 
 Tim. 
 
 I 'M hungry, hot, and tired ! 
 
 fi (Throws whistle off). 
 
 Ugh ! you thing ! 
 
 What good are you, that can't a copper bring ? 
 
 I've played selections of my choicest airs 
 
 Through all the fashionable streets and squares ; 
 
 And then, as high art clearly did'nt do, 
 
 I gave them all the discords that I knew — 
 
 A trick that's good. Ha ! Money oft they pay 
 
 jTo get such harmony to go avv^ay. 
 
 The more I played, the more they would'nt give ; 
 
 How do they think we poor musicians live ? 
 
 JThe world has all packed up, gone out of town ; 
 
 ll'm sunburnt — but I hav'nt got a "brown." 
 
 |l did expect at least a slice of mutton, — 
 [y expectations were not worth a button, 
 ^hy, when I played an air to "area belles," 
 'hey hissed, and pelted" me with oyster shells. ^ 
 kh, that was hard ; but what now makes it harder, 
 fear there's not a crust left in the larder. 
 
 [Gpes towards L." Crie/s bell heard. Tim looks off L.) 
 ^hy what is this ? Dear me ! why, well I never ! 
 
zo 
 
 Littls Nobody. 
 
 Herald (outside). Oyes ! Oyes ! Take notice, whom- 
 somdever 
 It may concern. Lost, strayed, or stolen, too. 
 Is Princess Sunnylocks, the young and boo- 
 Tiful young daughter of the king. Her pa 
 Is quite distracted ; likewise so's her ma. 
 
 Tim. What's that you say ? The princess gone ! Pray 
 where ? 
 
 Her. Her dress was white, with rosebuds in her hair; 
 Her things were in the very latest fashion, 
 And round her waist she had a blue silk sash on. 
 If any one will bring, or send, by carrier, 
 This lovely princess, then that man shall marry her. 
 
 Tim. Marry the princess Sunnylocks ! Oh, my I 
 I wish that I could find her ! Shall I try ? 
 If I succeed, she's mine. I will! Here goes! 
 
 {Calling to Heraldt outside). 
 Where has she gone ? 
 
 Her. You dunce ! Nobody knows. 
 
 Tim. Nobody knows. Oh, does ne? then I'll ask him. 
 But how ? Ah, there's the rub ; no joke to task him. 
 Stay, now I think, my old nurse used to say 
 Whenever I was in a " naughty way," — 
 Though I can't see however he could tell her, — 
 That " Mister Nobody was in the cellar." 
 
 {Goes to trap-door, C, and lifts it.)\ 
 If Nobody's down there, why Nobody will come. 
 Hi 1 Nobody! I want you! Hi! Perhaps he's dumb ; 
 Perhaps he's deaf, or dead ; how can I tell I 
 Perhaps he's very ill ; perhaps he's 
 
 Nobody (below. J Well ? 
 
 (Tim peers down^ then puts in his arm and gropes about.) I 
 
 Jl 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 II 
 
 Tim. Hullo! What's this ? Dear me ; it really feels 
 Extremely like a pair of human heels. 
 
 {Business. Tim pulls out a shoe, then another. No- 
 body rises .xnd seats himself on the R. edge of trap^ 
 legs inside. Tim sits crosslegged, facing him No- 
 body carries a black bottle in his hand, corked. He 
 puts on his shoes.) 
 Whyever were you standing on your head ? 
 Nobody. Oh that's the way I always go to bed. 
 Tim. What! upside down ! Why, nobody does that. 
 Nobody. I'm Nobody, though sometimes called the 
 " Cat." 
 
 {They rise and com,e forward.) 
 Look here, when visitors in seaside places 
 Find trinkets vanish without leaving traces, 
 I did it ; 'twas the •' Cat " they always say. 
 But when in school some youngster all in play 
 Lets off a cracker, or, cram full of fun, 
 Puts his pet dormouse on the floor to run, 
 Or ties torn cats at night with string to bells, 
 Or makes experiments with nasty smells, — 
 Boys do such things — Why Nobody's to blamtj. 
 Tim. I must confess you have an ugly name. 
 Nobody. Who breaks the windows ? I ! Who rings the 
 bell 
 And runs away ? Of course it's Nobody can tell. 
 Nobody's business, too, is every where, 
 On desert islands Nobody is there. 
 Things other folks can't tell Nobody knows ; 
 He only knows how all the money goes ; 
 He knows your thoughts ; he knows who took the jam ; 
 He knows, quite well, who told that shocking *• cram." 
 
llil 
 
 i ':; 
 
 i li 
 
 I i 
 
 X2 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 He knows the reason of your fine black|eye ; 
 He knows what's inside everybody's pie ; 
 Knows where they've dined, and what they've had for 
 dinner. 
 Tim. His nose is everywhere, in fact, the sinner. 
 Nobody. He heard your voice behind the garden gate. 
 He saw you kiss your pretty cousin Kate, 
 He saw you when you climbed the garden wall, 
 And when the bulldog bit, he heard you bawl. 
 
 (Laughs.) 
 Well, what d'ye want, my friend ? Pray, what's the 
 matter ? 
 Tim. Fact is, {hesitates) you see — you're so polite. 
 Nobody. Don't flatter. 
 
 Tim. I only want to marry the Princess. 
 Nobody. (Sarcastically) That's all? Perhaps you'd like 
 
 the moon ! 
 Tim. should. 
 
 Nobody. Or sun ? 
 
 Tim. The daughter's what I want. 
 
 Nobody. That's good ! 
 
 I like new jokes. 
 
 Tim. The Princess 6unnylocks is lost. 
 
 Nobody. I know ! you want her. Well, d'ye know the 
 cost ? 
 Come here ! 
 
 (Feels Tim's muscle: business.) 
 You'll have to fight, An Ogre's got her ! 
 Tim. Ogr- acious me ! 
 Nobody. Of course. He's going to pot her ; 
 
 (Makes si^ns of eating.) 
 He'd pot a Princess just as soon as prawns. 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 13 
 
 had lor 
 
 er. 
 
 en gate. 
 
 Laughs.) 
 at's the 
 
 iite. 
 
 ou'dlike 
 uld. 
 
 ood ! 
 
 lost, 
 enow the 
 
 business.) 
 
 1/ eating. 
 
 Tim. Where is she ? Tell me quickly, I'm on thorns. 
 The lovely Princess pickled ! What a sore sight ! 
 Here friend! bring out your wisdom, quick, and foresight. 
 
 (Nobody feels in all his pockets as 
 if he had lost something.) 
 Nobody. Not there ! Perhaps I put it in my hat. 
 Tim. Put what? 
 Nobody. My foresight. 
 
 Tim. Nobody does that. 
 
 (Nobody takes big spectacle case from his hat, puts 
 enormous spectacles on his nose, aad takes up his 
 bottle, uncorking it.) 
 
 What is it now ? 
 
 Nobody. Wisdom, I keep it here. 
 
 Tim. Why nobody keeps wisdom, sir, like bottled beer. 
 
 (Nobody takes a long drink.) 
 Nobody. I'll help you, Tim. Your father once helped 
 me. 
 I'm not ungrateful, though I'm Nobody. 
 One good turn well deserves another. See, 
 There is your Princess plain as plain can be. 
 
 {Back of scene opens, and shows interior of Ogre's 
 Castle, Ogre standing over Princess, who is kneeling. 
 Lime light. Scene closes. ) 
 
 Tim. Plain ! why she's lovely ! Here, make haste, 
 let's go, 
 I want to kill that fellow ; don't be slow. 
 
 Nobody. Perhaps, friend Tim, you'd better wait a bit. 
 First you want clothes, then money; lastly, wit. 
 There are your clothes (points off L.) 
 
 Tim. How fine ! ' * (goes off L.) 
 
w 
 
 14 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 iPli;: 
 
 lili 
 
 I' !l 
 lili! 
 
 i i 
 
 '.'. \l 
 
 ' 
 
 Nobody, I hope they'll fit. 
 
 I couldn't take your measure in a minuit. {Looks off L.) 
 What's that ! 
 Tim. a button gone. 
 
 Nobody. That's nothing ; pin it. 
 
 Tim. All right ! {loud tear heard) Hullo ! 
 Nobody. What now ! 
 
 Tim. a frightful slit. 
 
 Nobody. Just pin it up again ; you must'nt sit. 
 
 {Enter Tim, L., dressed in splendid clothes.) 
 Well how's the suit ? 
 Tim. It fits me like a glove. 
 
 Nobody. A suit should be a pressing one in love. 
 You'll do, my friend, and here's the glass to show you. 
 {Business. Nobody holding glass while Tim turns and 
 twists his body to see himself.) 
 Tim. Why, Tim, Tipon my word I shouldn't know you, 
 You are a swell at last. I always knew it. 
 
 (Nobody walks round him, arranging dress.) 
 Nobody. A trifle pale ! a touch of rouge will do it. 
 
 {Takes out rouge pot and hare's foot.) 
 Tim. What's that ! {smells) it's paint ! poof ! 
 Nobody. Let me put a dash on. 
 
 You're really nowhere if you're not in fashion. 
 
 {Rouges cheeks, then gives hat.) j 
 Your hat, sir. 
 Tim. Oh! 
 
 Nobody. Your gloves, sir, {gives gloves.) 
 Tim. Ah! 
 
 Nobody. Your cane {gives cane.) 
 
 Tim. How many more ! [business, Tim putting on gloves, 
 &c., awkwardly ; cane gets between his legs.) 
 
 I ! 
 I ii 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 15 
 
 Nobody. One thing you want. 
 
 Tim. Again ! 
 
 Nobody. Well, Tim "the Tooter," you must have a 
 
 name 
 
 Count Pennywhistie's title you can claim. 
 Here is your money, {gives purse.) 
 
 Now then, let me think. 
 Ha! Here's my bottle ; take a good long drink. 
 
 (Tim drinks from bottle.) 
 Well, how d'ye feel ? As if your wits were growing ? 
 
 Tim. Hem ! Yes, I feel a kind of warmness flowing, 
 Creeping and crawling through my head ; what fun! 
 I feel as if I'd like to make a pun, 
 Or else a riddle — Here's the very thing ! 
 Why is a poor old cobbler like a king? 
 D'ye give it up ! Because 
 
 Nobody. * Oh! poof! that's stale! 
 
 Tim. Why then is a monkey very like a whale ? 
 You ought to know. {Laughs, and pokes him playfully in 
 the ribs.) 
 
 Nobody. Here! come! you've had enough ? 
 
 Your head can't stand too m.uch of that strong stuff. 
 Give me the bottle. Not another drain ! 
 No more, or you'll get riddles on the brain. 
 
 Tim. Why is a water-wagtail like a 
 
 Nobody. Bah ! 
 
 Tim. When is a barber not a barber ? 
 
 Nobody. {Disgusted) Ah ! 
 
 Tim. When he's a shaving. See ? 
 
 Nobody. I don't. Here ! Come ! 
 
 The Ogre dotes on riddles, save him some. 
 
 Tim. What is your plan then, " stranger, quickly tell." 
 
i6 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 i'i 
 
 t 1 
 
 Nobody. Look here, I know the Ogre very well. 
 We'll make a morning call on Mrs. O. 
 She gives a picnic in a day or so. 
 To ask you there I'm sure she'll be delighted. 
 
 Tim. The game is all our own if once invited. 
 
 Nobody. We'll have !L.uch fun. 
 
 Tim. We will ! 
 
 Nobody. I'll plague and tease them. 
 
 While you can do your very best to please them. 
 
 Tim. Then for the Princess ! 
 
 Nobody. I'll just give a cough (coughs.) 
 
 And while I take them in, you take her off. 
 
 Tim. Where is the place ? 
 
 Nobody. A thousand miles away. 
 
 We'll go by telegraph. We need'nt pay. 
 For Nobody pays nothing, and you're safe with me. 
 Folks never see you with a nobody. 
 
 Exeunt L. 
 
 III 
 
SCENE II. 
 
 Interior of Ogre's Castle. Princess Sunnylocks discovered 
 asleep on sofa, back R. C. Enter Ogress, R., with cook- 
 cry book in one hand, and big spoon in the other. 
 
 Ogress. (Reads) " Receipts to fatten little girls and 
 boys "— 
 I wish they'd give receipts to stop their noise — 
 " Take Thorley's food for cattle, Dublin stout, 
 
 *' Then mix the two " with something else, no doubt. 
 
 But how to get it down, ah ! that's the battle. 
 
 {Turns over page, reads.) 
 
 " With Dublin stout and Thorley's food for cattle." 
 Twice over ! Oh, they fatten here by doublin\ 
 Dear me this cooking busmess is most troublin'. 
 Here's my last poem on the "Evening Sky " 
 Unfinished still. {Takes paper from pocket.) My muse, 
 suppose we try. {Reads, affectedly.) 
 *' O evening sky; O gentle evening sky ! 
 " Whose mild, mendacious, and meandering moons 
 
 " Look down and listen to the soothing sigh 
 " From limpid lovers, side by side, like spoons." 
 How sweet ! reads) " O evening sky, O evening sky " — 
 Ogre. {Outside.) Now then, ma'am; how about that 
 baby pie ! 
 
 (Exit Ogress hurriedly L.) 
 {Enter OoREiv!. holding stew-pan tn one hand, a 
 big spoon in the other.) 
 
x8 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 (Ill:,: 
 
 
 \ 
 
 
 1 1 
 i 
 
 1 1 
 
 
 iji 
 
 1 
 
 !l 
 
 , 
 
 iji 
 
 Ogre. Mum! mum! How'good it smells! Ah! here's a 
 
 dinner. 
 What's this ? My favorite dish as I'm a sinner. 
 Boiled babies' pettitoes. (Calls,) Come, wife, make 
 
 haste, 
 Dinner! Ah ! what a wife ! She knows my taste. 
 I dote on babies. Pretty pets, I love 'rm 
 Roast, stewed or boiled, with parsley s\uce above 'em. 
 They're always good. 
 
 [Sings in a gruff, harsh tone.) 
 
 Baby, baby bunting 
 The Ogre's gone a-hunting 
 To get a saucepan made of tin 
 To boil the little baby in. 
 
 So says the poet, which his name was Jones. 
 
 If Jones were only here I'd pick his bones. 
 
 Oh, I love poets, tender gushing things, 
 
 With bacon skewered on their liver wings. 
 
 Fresh, young and juicy. I don't like your dried ^un. 
 
 Some like them boikd, but I prefer a fried 'un 
 
 •• Served p en papillate in his last sonnet " — 
 
 Delicious ! I can't bear to think upon it. 
 
 Soldiers are tough — I leave the Bony-parte. 
 
 Old maid preserveti does taste a little tart. 
 
 Artists are oily. Lawyers disagree. 
 
 Sailors are salt, and doctors — doctor me. 
 
 Once, only once, I tried a chimney sweep. 
 
 Ugh ! he was nasty ! [Goes to Princtss.) 
 
 Ah ! she's fast asleep. 
 So pretty and so plump ! (Pinches her cheeks.) 
 
Little Nobody, 
 
 X9 
 
 Such rosy cheeks ! 
 How n' e she'll be, say, in a brace of weeks. 
 
 [Pinches her arm ; Princess wakes up rubbing it. 
 Princess. Flies and mosquitoes! Oh! it's only you. 
 
 [Comes down.) 
 I wish you'd let me sleep an hour or two. 
 You're always pinching me, or patting me, or petting. 
 Ogre. I only wished to see how fat you're getting. 
 Princess. Fat ! always fat ! Whatever do you mean ? 
 Ogre. A girl is good for nothing if she's lean. 
 Princess, Good! I'm not good. 
 Ogre. [Insinuatingly.) With oyster sauce, or caper, 
 
 you'll not be bad. 
 Princess. [Screams.) I'll write, sir, to the paper ! 
 I'll tell papa! I'll disagree with you. I will ! 
 See if I don't! 
 Ogre. [Philosophically.) Well, then, I'll take a pill. 
 Princess. I wish my arms were only good — 
 Ogre. To roast ? 
 
 Princess. These fingers, sir, should serve you out — 
 Ogre. On toast ? 
 
 Princess. Those handsome eyes of yours would soon 
 be spoiled. 
 Ogre. [Meditatively.) Perhaps though after all she'd 
 be best boiled . 
 Princess. I wish papa were here, he'd have you 
 killed. 
 I should be free, and then ! — 
 OoRfe. Be nicely grilled. 
 
 Princess. At least a female tongue cannot be tied; 
 That still can scold, ah ! 
 
 Ogre. Not, miss, when it's fried. 
 
 I'm very cool, but temper I can't hold. 
 
ao 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 I m: 
 
 Hot meals I like, and hear my dinner i's)co/(/ / 
 Take care, miss, pray take care ! Why, what a fuss 
 About a fellow's supper ! might be ' wuss ' : 
 A miss the more or less, what does it matter ? 
 
 (Loud noise off L,, rattling of chains.) 
 
 Why, what's the meaning of this horrid clatter? 
 
 {Exit L.) 
 Princess. {Clasping her hands.) 
 
 Oh dear ! Oh dear ! Whatever can be done ? 
 
 It's past a joke. The monster's not in fun ! 
 
 He's like a spider. I'm the little fly. 
 
 I wish I was'nt nice inside a pie. 
 
 I'll run away ! I'll scream ! I'll not be eaten ! 
 
 {Enter Tim, L., rapidly. She flies to him.) 
 
 Tim. You shan't, miss, not until I'm killed or beaten. 
 
 Princess. You've come to save me ! 
 
 Tim. Hush ! the Ogre's near. 
 
 He's puffing up the stairs. You're safe ! don't fear ! 
 
 To-morrow there's a picnic. Here's the progr 
 
 'Am with champagne, cold chicken and cold ogre. 
 
 Princess. I see. Who are you, sir? 
 
 Tim. I'm not alarming. 
 
 I Aside.) She's quite divine ! 
 
 Princess. {Aside.) He's really very charming' 
 
 Tim. Alas, I'm just a poor musician, miss. 
 
 Princess. Out here, I'm much a-miss, a lass ! 
 You may be poor ; I'm sure you're brave and true. 
 
 (Tim puts arm round her waist.) 
 
 Tim. I could'nt, dear, be otherwise to you. 
 
 Princess. {Laughing, and removing his arm.) 
 
 What's this ! Suppose you just put back that paw, 
 Until you've known me a few minutes more. ' 
 
 (E«^^y Ogress anrf Nobody. Ogre following.) 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 21 
 
 Tim. I've made acquaintance with your lovely 
 
 daughter. 
 Ogre. {Aside.) I must dissemble — must'nt say I 
 caught her. 
 
 {Aloud,) Poor girl ! A near relation ! Will be nearer. 
 Tim. a iamily marriage ? 
 Ogre. • Hem ! A union dearer. 
 
 Tim. {Aside.) Old rascal ! 
 
 Ogre. Ah ! her story's very sad. 
 
 i She's lost her wits; in fact the maid is mad. 
 Mad as a hatter ! Thinks she's a Princess. 
 Tim. Poor thing ! that's very mad I must confess. 
 
 {To Ogress.) 
 Madam, I've heard, like all the world beside, 
 [Your charming poem on the '* Frozen Bride," 
 jSo full of sentiment, refined and gushing. 
 
 |You're quite a poet 
 
 Ogrcss. Pray, excuse my blushing. 
 
 (Tim ^oes up talking with Ogre. Ogress 
 takes Nobody aside.) 
 
 I Who is your charming friend ? I must invite him. 
 
 I've got a little picnic, 
 
 Nobody. You'll delight him. 
 
 He's name's Count Pennywhistle, he's a poet. 
 I A trifle queer, perhaps, but does'nt show it. 
 Knows languages by dozens, riddles by the score. 
 Can do a dozen things besides, or more,? 
 
 (Ogre comes down listening. Tim talks to Princess.) 
 If there's a clever fellow out, it's he. 
 Ogre. {Aside.) Stewed in port wine, dear me, how 
 nice he'll be. 
 
22 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 I 
 
 ''il 
 
 'i '• 
 
 < III 
 
 ! I<! 
 
 Nobody. He writes too for the Press, the great 
 
 " Diurnal." 
 He'll put your parties in the new Court Journal. 
 
 Ogre. (Aside.) I'll stick to port, can't swallow a 
 
 reporter, 
 Nobody. {Aside to Tim.) I'll talk to them, you go 
 
 ahead and court her. 
 Ogress. No doubt your friend is quite a man of ' ton.' 
 Nobody. Moves in the best society, [aside) he does — 
 
 *' move on." 
 
 He plays divinely on the flute. 
 
 Ogress. He'll please us. 
 
 I dote on music. Is he rich ? 
 
 Nobody. • As CrcEsus. 
 
 His rent's enormous, [aside) so it is — behind. 
 
 Ogress. I'll send a card at once. 
 
 Nobody. You're very kind. 
 
 Ogress. He's quite a lion, and they're rare these days. 
 
 Nobody. He is'nt proud, he's got such easy ways. 
 
 Ogre. [Pointing to Tim behind, who has his arm around 
 Princess.) 
 His ways are easy, I should say. 
 
 Nobody. [Aside.) The dunce ! 
 
 (Tim turns to Ogre and talks, Ogre laughs.) 
 [Aloud.) His way's to make himself at home at once. 
 
 Ogress. Her waist's at any rate no waste of time. 
 
 Nobody. These foreigners don't think that any crime. 
 It's all politeness, why, he'd go and do 
 The very self-same thing next week to you. 
 
 Ogress. [Simperingly .) Dear me, these foreign ways 
 
 are odd. 
 
 (Ogre comes down with Tim, laughing; 
 he slaps him on the back. 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 as 
 
 Ogre. That's good. 
 
 Ogress. We have a Httle picnic in the wood, 
 Tomorrow, Count; you'll come if not too tied ? 
 Tim. Delighted, if you'll read the " Frozen Bride." 
 Ogress. Oh, count, what charming compliments you 
 
 pay- 
 
 Tim. Madam, I kiss your hand. {Kisses her hand.) 
 Ogress. La ! Count ! 
 
 Tim. Good day. 
 
 Nobody. {To Ogress.) Oh, that's the custom in his 
 
 native land. 
 Ogress. Indeed! {Aside.) Perhaps he'll kiss the 
 
 other hand. 
 
 {Puts out left hand, and turns her head away, Tiudoes 
 not see it, but speaks to Princess. The 
 Ogre comes behind and slaps it.) 
 
 Ogre. {With suppressed passion.) In Turkey you can 
 do as turkeys do. 
 Not here — 
 Tim. Good day ! 
 
 Ogress. {Sweetly.) Good afternoon ! 
 
 Tim. {Kissing his hand privately to Princess.) Adieu ! 
 (Princess returns kiss. Exit Tim and 
 Nobody L.; the Ogre following.) 
 Ogress. A most distinguished person, so refined. 
 As for his customs, well, hem ! I don't mind. 
 I'll put him in a poem! — 
 
 Princess. In a pie 
 
 You ought to say. 
 
 Ogress. You little minx ! Oh fie! 
 
 An arm around my waist I would'nt stand. 
 
24 
 
 Littlr Nobody. 
 
 (.1 > , ' 1 
 
 Princess. I know you stood a kiss upon your hand. 
 Ogress. That's nothing — 
 
 Princess. Oh ! If you were not so old ! 
 
 Ogress. Old! I'm not old, miss ! Come,.you're very 
 
 bold. 
 Princess. Besides, you're bald. You know you've got 
 
 false hair. 
 Ogress. It's all my own !— 
 Princess. You bought it then ! 
 
 Ogrfss. You dare ! 
 
 Princess. You paint. You know you do; I saw you. 
 
 There ! 
 (Ogress rims to her and shakes her. Scene closes in.) 
 
 
SCENE III. 
 
 Inteyior of Tim's Cottage, as before. Enter Tim, R. 
 
 Tim. My Princess Sunnylocks ! How I do love her. 
 The ground she treads on, and the sky above her. 
 Her eves, her mouth, her hair, her chin, her nose, 
 Her taper fingers, and her tiny toes. 
 The air she breathes, the sun — she looked upon u. 
 Her worn-out shoes, and her best Sunday bonnet. 
 Tim, this won't do ! (feels pulse.) A hundred in the shade 
 I'm going mad about that little maid. 
 I'm desperately deep in love, that's clear. 
 I can't be happy till I get my dear. 
 
 I've found a treasure. {Takes paper out of breast, undoes 
 
 it carefully and shows a pin.) 
 Just a little pin. 
 |5//c- wore it once. {Looks at pin affectionately.) 
 
 Ah ! short but sweet ! 
 {Kisses it ; it pricks him. Rap heard.) 
 
 Come in ! 
 {Enter Nobody carrying enormous letter, Tim opens it, 
 and takes out two big cards, inscribed '* Mr. Ogre, 
 Ogre Castle,'' and " Mrs. Ogre, At Home.'') 
 Nobody. The ticket's come to see the lions fed ; 
 iReserved seats extra, sixpence more a head. 
 (We'll have a private box. 
 
 {Strikes attitude of sparring, turning towards L.I.E., when 
 Fairy Queen enters in cloak as old woman, carrying 
 big umbrella, with which she wa rds off his blows.) 
 
40 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 1 
 
 1 
 
 
 
 i ; 
 
 
 1 ■ 
 
 i 
 
 
 I 
 
 1, 
 i 
 
 
 Fairy. Young man, take care. 
 
 A poor old woman has no teeth to spare. 
 
 Nobody. I'm only practising. 
 
 Fairy. Well, spare your blows, 
 
 (Meaningly.) Perhaps you'll want them for the Ogre's 
 nose. 
 
 Tim. (Aside.) The Ogre's nose! She knows the Ogre! 
 Pray 
 Ma'am who are you ? Can you assist us ? Say. 
 
 Fairy. I am your fairy godmother. 
 
 Tim. How queer ! 
 
 I didn't know I had one. 
 
 Fairy. Yes, my dear. 
 
 I know your wish, the Princess you would gain. 
 But first of all the Ogre must be slain. 
 
 (Produces big pair of goloshes from under cloak^ 
 one with a great tear in it.) 
 
 See the goloshes of your sire ! You won't refuse, 
 I'm sure, to step into your father's shoes. 
 Once on, they'll take you off, a mile a minute. 
 
 Tim. They're rather old ! (shows rent) A tear ! 
 
 Fairy. Well, you can pin it. 
 
 Tim. These venerable relics should, I think, be spW. { 
 
 Nobody. Well, Nobody will buy them. Come, Tim ! 
 
 Fairy. Hold ! 
 
 Here, take this magic flute, which, when you play, 
 Sends all v/ho listen fast asleep. 
 
 Tim. Hooray ! 
 
 I see ! When they're all fast asleep we'll fly. 
 
 Fairy. Whatever happens, I shall be close by. 
 Don't be afraid ; if he should wake, just call. 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 27 
 
 Tim. I'm not afraid of Ogres, not at all— 
 IWhen they're asleep that is. 
 
 .N°«°°Y- Now then, we're late. 
 
 IHis temper's horrid if you make him wait. 
 It's never very sweet. 
 
 ^^^'^' Come then, away ! 
 
 (Piits goloshes tmdey arm.) 
 My sole's m arms, and eager for the fray ' 
 
 Nobody. {To Fairy.) The tooter, fay, 's in earnest, 
 tout dbfait. 
 
 {Music piays^^ Sahre Song ^ from " GrandDuchessr 
 all march round stage, dance, and exit L.) 
 
SCENE IV. 
 
 I III 
 
 The enchanted dell. Big moss-covered trunk of tree C. back, 
 practicable to fall down in f rent ; tree at R. wing, basket 
 with big loaf and pie, etc., at foot. The King of the 
 Fairies discovered leaning on golden axe. 
 
 Fairy King. Twice fifty years have passed since 
 mortal tread 
 Has touched the enchanted dell so fair and dread. 
 The woodsmen shun it, and the peasants all 
 With trembling feet avoid our waterfall. 
 The village maidens pass another way, — 
 But sounds of voices fill the woods to-day. 
 
 (Eater Nobody, L.) 
 Ha ! Cousin Nobody, you're welcome here, 
 As sailors say, " My hearty, come, what cheer? " 
 Nobody. I want your aid to spoil a little fun. 
 King. With pleasure, what ! 
 Nobody. An Ogre's pic-ric. 
 
 King. [Shaking hands.) Done 'I 
 
 I hate these mortal pic-nics in the wood. 
 They spoil the grass with corks and scraps of food, 
 With empty bottles, mess of every kind, 
 And leave a smell of ham and beer behind 
 That lasts for weeks. 
 
 Nobody. See, here's the pic-nic spread. 
 
 ■ King. Oh! very good. (Touches loaf , pie, etc.] 
 
 They'll find that's fairy bread. 
 Let's see what we can do to raise that pie. 
 
 {Croak of a bull frog heard. Nobody fetches it\ 
 and puts it in pie.) 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 29 
 
 Nobody. This gentleman will do, he's raised a cry. 
 Kino. There's cayenne pepper for their tart and 
 custard. 
 
 {Sprinkles pepper.) 
 Nobody. A little sand would much improve their 
 mustard. 
 
 ( sprinkles sand.) 
 There, that will do; they're coming, I'll be off. 
 
 (Exit L.) 
 
 King. We'll teach these bold invaders not to scoff. 
 The sounds approach within my Queen's own bower ! 
 Beware rash strangers ! dread the fairies' power. 
 
 {Goes off R., calling.) 
 Beware ! Beware ! Beware ! Beware ! 
 
 {Enter Ogress and OgreL.; the Ogre has a rope, 
 the other end of which is round the waist of 
 the Princess, who follows.) 
 
 Ogre. I swear 
 
 I heard the sound of voices in the air. 
 Ogress. There's no one here ; it's fancy. Come on, 
 
 dear. 
 Ogre. It may be fancy, but it's very queer. 
 Ogress. Ah! here we are. Let's lay the cloth; be 
 quick. 
 
 (Ogress arranges contents of basket on the 
 ground R,, at foot of side tree.) 
 
 Ogre. I'll tie this olive branch here to a stick. 
 
 {Ties Princess to tree R., then assists Ogress.) 
 
 Princess. I wish this olive branch could shoot, you'd 
 find 
 She'd take her leaf, and leave her trunk behind. 
 
30 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 m I 
 
 Ogre. That trunk, my dear, 's a perfect Saratoga. 
 You won't move that. {Ironically.) Don't leave your 
 poor old Ogre 
 
 Ogress. {Reading from letters.) "The Lad;.es Mangel- 
 Wurzel much regret 
 They've all got coughs and colds through getting wet." 
 "The Dowager Duchess Drumstick must decline." 
 No reason ! Very rude ! That's twenty-nine. 
 
 Ogre. (Taking up letter.) What's this ? From Admiral 
 Fitz Mizen. 
 
 Ogress. That's enough ! 
 
 Ogre. The Admiral sends compliments; he's old 
 and tough. 
 He thinks he'd not be nice if broiled or stewed. 
 He hopes you won't be vexed. 
 
 Ogress. He's very rude. 
 
 Princess. What fun ! I hope they'll all decline. 
 
 Ogre. Ha ! stay, by 
 
 Jove ! " P.S., Where's Mrs. Jones' baby ?" 
 That's most unkind ! I did the best I could. 
 I put the darling where it did most good. 
 
 Ogress. It's all your fault. Why did I marry you ? 
 
 Ogre. You couldn't help it ; handsome men are few. 
 
 Ogress. We're a most ill-matched pair. 
 
 Ogre. Why, bless my stars ! 
 
 Your jargon NelVs preserved in family jars. 
 What more dy'e want ? Come, stop this silly raving. 
 Its constitutional with me, this little craving. 
 
 Ogress. Society, it's clear, is growing very shy. 
 
 Ogre. (Mockingly.) To think society won't taste that 
 pie ! 
 
 Ogress. In fact, this time, I really almost fear 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 3t 
 
 That nobody is coming — 
 
 {Enter Nobody and Tim, L.) 
 Nobody. {Aside to Tim.) Nobody is here. 
 
 My dearest Mrs. Ogre. How d'ye do ? 
 My friend Count Pennyvvhistle. {To Ogre.) 
 
 How are you ? 
 Ogre. Hungry! Now then, sit down, don't wait, I'm 
 starving. 
 Sit down. Count, you're an artist, do some carving. 
 
 {They all sit round luncheon, Tim nearest to Princess. 
 Through lunch he feeds her secretly with a fork.) 
 Ogress. Our party's small. 
 
 Nobody. {Aside.) They're all afraid to come. 
 
 Ogre. I'm glad they stayed away. 
 Ogress. My dear! 
 
 Ogre. I'm dumb. 
 
 Ogress. The Dowager Duchess Drumstick was ex- 
 pected. 
 {To TiM.») You know the Duchess ? 
 
 Tim. {Aside.) I shall be detected. 
 
 {Aloud.) Not in my set. 
 
 Ogress. Dear Duchess! she's out dining. 
 
 She sent me such a charming note declining. 
 Nobody. Pray let me fill your glass. 
 Ogress. A little drop. 
 
 There now, that's quite enough ; Oh, pray do stop. 
 
 (Nobody mw^s a^ Tim. She empties glass.) 
 You must'nt wink at me, you naughty man. 
 Nobody. Your charms quite dazzle me. 
 Ogress. Oh, where's my fan ? 
 
 [Sentimentally.) How sweet this is beneath the spreading 
 trees. 
 
32 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 Ogre. This spread's far better. (To Tim.) Champagne? 
 Tim. If you please. 
 
 Nobody. (To Ogress,) Your glass is empty. (No- 
 body fills glass.) 
 Ogress. Colonel, you're too kind. 
 
 I really couldn't. 
 
 Nobody. Nonsense, never mind. {Fills glass. 
 
 (Ogress appears not to see, but presently drinks it.) 
 Ogress. Come, let me send you all some chicken pie. 
 Nobody. Excuse me, marm, but did it ever cry ? 
 Ogressb. La, General, what a joke! 
 Ogre. {Coughing.) Some wine ? 
 
 Ogress. You must. 
 
 Nobody. {Aside.) The wine that's crusted, not the 
 ivhine in crust. 
 
 (Ogress opens pie, the frog jumps out and off L, 
 Ogress screams. The pie moves off L., 
 Ogre tries to stop it.) 
 Ogre. Of all the funny things ! A walking dish ! 
 Nobody. We only want, besides, the talking fish. 
 Ogress. Well, come, we've something left ; I'll take 
 some bread. 
 
 (Ogre takes «/> loaf, it moves off L., Ogre 
 follows and brings it back ; it gets away 
 again, off L.) 
 Ogre. The place must be enchanted, or my head — 
 Tim. {Rising.) No matter, here's the wine, I give 
 
 a toast. 
 Our charming hostess and our noble host. 
 
 (Tim holds cup secretly to PrIncess's 
 
 mouth ; she drinks.) 
 As for these queer disturbances at lunch, 
 
 Perhaps there's something in the air — 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 33 
 
 Nobody. Or punch. 
 
 Ogre. (Rising.) Ladies and gentlemen. 
 All. Hear ! Hear! 
 
 Ogre. For self and wife. 
 
 This is the proudest moment of my life. 
 Whistle, my boy, I'm glad to see you. 
 
 {Claps Tmon back.) 
 Tim. Oh ! 
 
 Ogre. Things have'ntgone, perhaps, as things should 
 go. 
 'I here's something scientific in the air. 
 
 (An enormous hornet hovers over his head.) 
 There's nothing left to eat. 
 
 Tim. {Looking at Friuce&s.) We'll take your /rtir. 
 
 {Hornet settles on Ogre's head.) 
 
 Ogre. {Starting) Oh ! Oh ! Do take it off! 
 
 I'm stung! My head ! 
 
 {Business. Kobody striking at hot net with big branch, 
 but purposely hitting the Ogre's hegd each time,) 
 
 Ogre. There, that will do ! Hi! don't! 
 
 Nobody. There now, it's dead. 
 
 {They sit ; Ogre drinks a cup of wine. 
 {Enter Fairy disguised as old woman in cloak^ L.) 
 
 Fairy. Please give a poor old woman just a bite- 
 O.iREss. Be off, old woman, you'll not get a mite. 
 Fairy. I'll tell your fortunes. 
 
 Ogress. That's another matter. 
 
 Let's go for fun, and hear her silly chatter. 
 
 (They all gather round Fairy, exupt Princess. She 
 takes the Ogress' hand. Tremulous musir 
 during the following.) . 
 
34 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 Fairy. Heavy hand and cruel heart, 
 
 Soon 'twill be your turn to smart. 
 
 {She takes Ogre's hand,) 
 
 Hand so greedy, hard and cruel. 
 
 Soon you'll suffer in a duel. 
 
 {She takes Tim's hand.) 
 
 Hand so bold to do and dare. 
 
 There's a secret in the air. 
 
 {She goes to Princess and looks at her hand.\ 
 
 Pretty face and gentle hand. 
 
 Weds the king of all this land. 
 
 And so, good morning, gentle folks. 
 
 Ogre. Be off. {Exit Fairy.) 
 
 Tiiat's fine ! 
 
 She's like a shower bath. Come Count, some wine ! 
 
 {They all sit down again.) 
 
 Ogress. Do play us something. Count, to cheer us up- 
 My nerves are quite upset 
 
 Tim. {Aside.) Your nerves ! You fright ! 
 
 Ogress. What's that you say ? 
 
 Tim. I'd play for you all night. 
 
 {Plays " Vilikins and his ^inah.'') 
 
 Ogress. That's lovely ! Ah ! I dote on music so ! 
 I've learnt, {sings,) do, re, mi, fa, sol, la, si, do. 
 
 Tim. You sing ma'am like {aside) a peacock. 
 
 Ogress. What d'ye say ? 
 
 Tim. I'd listen to that charming voice all day. 
 It's like a nightingale's, so sweet and low. 
 
 Ogress. You're so polite. 
 
 Tim. Oh not at all. {Aside.) Old crow ! 
 
 Ogre. Play on, do, Count, but pray don't feel surprise 
 
 I so enjoy good music when I close my eyes. 
 
 (Tim plays.) 
 
Little Nobody 
 
 35 
 
 Music has charms to — 
 
 {Falls asleep, snores. 
 Ogress. Oh ! how nice ! [Snores.) 
 
 Tim. They're off! 
 
 {Goes to Princess and cuts her bonds. Site 
 is fast asleep.) 
 The magic music's made her sleepy too. 
 Wake up ! She's fast asleep! What shall we do ? 
 Nobody. The fairy boots will carry her away. 
 
 {They lift Princess, but stumble backwards, Tim 
 Over the Ogre, Nobody over the O'gress, all 
 wake and start up.) 
 Ogre. Ho ! Ho ! my friend, so that's your game ! 
 
 Just stay! 
 (Ogre seizes big bough, combat bctiveen Ogre and 
 Tim, with a fork. Ogress sits upon Nobody. 
 Tim falls ; Ogre i.i going to strike, when the 
 Fairy King enters and strikes up his club.) 
 Fairy King. You're trespassing out here on my 
 domain. 
 Stay, do not move : you, Ogre, must remain. 
 This place is haunted ; 'tis the Fairies dell, 
 And thus around you all I weave my spell. 
 
 {Waves his axe in the air, rocks at back open, 
 • shewing interior of fairies' grotto ; fair ie 
 
 in group, Fairy Queen in centre at back.) 
 {To the Ogre.) For fifteen hundred years you'll keep 
 
 your seat, • 
 
 Until your ears are long enough to meet. 
 Nobody. The only meat you'll get, friend Ogre, maybe. 
 Ogre. I'll never, never eat another baby. 
 They're nasty little things ; they're always squalling, 
 
36 
 
 Little Nobody. 
 
 
 Kicking and screaming, howling, yelling, bawling. 
 I only eat 'em from a sense of duty. 
 Do let me off, sir! I'm an orphan — 
 Nobody. Beauty ! 
 
 Fairy King. {To Ogress.) You're fond of writing, 
 here's no end of leaves. 
 You're hoih pen'd up; i«A-cluded like two thieves. 
 These trees you'll find polite, not like your spouse. 
 You make your courtseys, and they'll make their boughs. 
 
 Ogress. This curt address is not at all in fashion. 
 [Aside.) If nobody were here, I'd fly in such a passion. 
 Princess. To see them printed she'll not have the 
 
 bliss. 
 Nobody. When spring time's gone, perhaps she'll 
 printemps, miss. 
 Fairy Queen. The Princess now is free. (To 
 
 Princess.) Before you go. 
 Say, can you give your hand to this young beau ? 
 Princess. With all my heart. » 
 
 {Gives hand to Tim, who kisses it.) 
 
 Fairy Quee:>i. Then learn a secret. 
 
 When a child at play 
 By gypsies he was stolen far away. 
 Yes, Tim the Tooter, you're of noble birth ; 
 Son of the greatest emperor on earth. 
 Your noble actions equal, too, your rank, 
 Though, alter all, you've Nobody to thank. 
 Remember this ; be good to all you meet, 
 And don't despise the beggar in the street ; 
 Nobody knows what he may come to be, 
 A prince, a peasant, or — a nobody. 
 
Little Nobody. 
 
 •37 
 
 Nobody. {To audience.) If we have pleased you witli 
 our litde play, 
 Perhaps you'll show it in the usual way. 
 
 {Stops a moment.) 
 Nobody knows how many are our flaws. 
 Nobody thanks you for your kind applause. 
 
 {Coloured fins.) 
 
 Fairy King. 
 Nobody. Princess. 
 
 Tim. 
 
 Ogress. 
 
 Ogre. 
 
 CURTAIN.