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MACGEORGE "From grave to gay.** \ \ TORONTO: A. H. ARMOUR ft CO.; JAMES BAIN; WM. CAVBRHILLt J. C. GEIKIS; MAOLEAR&CO.; H. ROWSBLL; THOMPSON* 00. WIMAN & CO., WHOLESALE AGENTS. 1858. mmm ?*S "?^Z5* ^
alem 48 *' My peace I give unto you " 4*7 Sin and Love « 48 Cranmer 60 The Emigrant's Funeral 56 Christmas Hymn 67 Count oe Oocnterfeit: » i A Tale of Lake Ontario 60 Rhtmes Seoulab: Summer and Winter 128 Coriolanus 126 My ain Fireside , 127 A Glimpse of Fairy Land 129 tf ▼1 CONTENTS. • ' ^ : '^ : RHTUEg Secular — (Continued): The Emigrant's Bride 181 The Pirate 186 The Tyrolese Wanderer's Return •. . . . 188 Anacreontic 140 The Crusader's Serenade ; 148 The Auld Wife to her Cats 146 A Sup of thb Pen 161 Tbaob of a Past Celbbbitt 161 A Lbo Duel •. 169 Wabmino a Tomb 177 The Thibstt Witchbi^ op Fbasebbuboh 189 What happened at the Yobk Assizes. 211 Sketches ; Touching Tailors '.. 227 Concerning Cordwainers 288 Amateur Histrionios 289 The Scarlet Vest: A Story of the French Revolution .*. 247 i ■..'-• '■J ■ ■ \ ■ - '''^-^ ■ 'V •'•:■ ' .. . ,. ;.:;., •.■,- ■ ■ I ■' ■*■ ■ ' •n*'':"';*^'"-^^' - ' , ",v'. '■■■ "■'■'.' - • > .. ■ - "^Plp n' ■ • • t 181 • • • • 186 • • • • 188 • • • • 140 • • • • 148 • • • • 146 • • • • 161 • • « • 161 • • • • 169 • • • • 111 » • • • 189 • • • 211 • • • 22*7 • • • 288 • • • 289 i ?. • • • 247 1^ ..%' ■ ^ I I i' ■M ■ ;,- ■.!^w:^-;-.i '■ Hi- ' PREEACE. A. Good wine requires no bush ; and the most luxuriant foliage would fail to add zest to an indifferent vintage. Hence any thing by way of prologue to the following discursive pages could only be regarded as an act of supererogation. ^ v- - * The author would simply crave license to observe in reference to the tale of *' Count or Counterfeit,'* that its object is to ridicule the inordinate lust for the peru- sal of slip-slop romances, which so signally prevails at present in ** this Canada*" Truly alarming is the %; VUl PREFACE. .^ extent of the epidemic, and unless checked, it cannot fail to visit the rising generation with psychologic epiasculation and discrepitness. !S-::Y '' LEOEND OF BETHLEHEM. « W"' :i|^ •^■• »i '-\\ J^ A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. I. It chancfcd on a Friday of the month of April, in the year of our Lord and Redeemer thirty-three, that an aged man was slowly ascending the hill, on the ridge of which the city of Bethlehem is situated. His worn, dust-soiled raiment indicated that he had heen for some time a way- farer ; and it was equally plain, from the fashion of his garb, that he had journeyed from some far-distant land most probably the country of Mesopotamia. It appeared, however, that the scenery around him was by no meanu beheld for the fiftt time. On the contrary, he surveyed the leading features of the landscape, with the fond in- terest of one who had been familiar with them in by-gone years ; and the tears which began to course down his furrowed cheek, demonstratea that old events and early associations were fast being reproduced from the unfa- thomable store-house of memory. ' -y^' ** ■" ^' ■>» 12 w.' U ^ t A LEGEND OF BETHjLEHEM. II. •)' The locality, indeed, exhibited much that was calcula- ted to airest the attention, and excite the imagination of all who were conversant with the annals of the children of Abraham. Here was the field in which the gentle Moabitess Ruth, humbly gleaned after the reapers of Boaz. Here, likewise, was the fountain, for which David, when he was in an hold, longed, and said : " Oh that one would give me drink of the water of the well of Bethle- hem, whic]b is by the gate !'* III. With special intensity did the ancient traveller gaze upon a fair green meadow, situated beneath the bold rocky terraces of the " City of Bread," and in which sundry groups of shepherds were engaged in their quiet and peaceful occupation. And in the expression of the be- holder's countenance, one — even though ungifted with strong fancy-r-might read, that he had once himself wield- ed a crook in that sequestered and singularly beautiful plain. It was even so. Isaac tlie Bethl^hemite, after an absence of more than thirty long summers in the far East, was returning to the city of the pastoral king^ where his first, and freshest, and happiest days had been spent. A LEGSND OF BETHLEHEM. ■ IV. 13 / One thing the pilgrim specially noted, and that was the unusual stillness which pervaded the scene, at least more immediately in his vicinity. Almost deserted were the thoroughfares leading to Bethlehem — small appear- ance of life heing presented, save hy the guard at the gate, who stood listlessly leaning on their spears, or sat burnishing their niail in dreamy mood. Another thing arrested the attention of Isaac, equally with the unwont- ed desertion of the city. From the eminentc on which he stood, he could descry vast multitudes of people thronging towards Jerusalem. He knew, indeed, that it was the season of the Passover, when the holy city was wont to receive many visitors, from all quarters of the world, but he never remembered on any former occur- rence of the festival, to have seen such hosts of devotees bound for the seat of Jehovah's sacred Temple. V. Standing thus in thoughtful contemplation, the re- turned Bethlehemite was startled by a deep and sorrow- laden groan — expressive of some stern and tragic weight of misery, if not of absolute despair. On looking round to the quarter from whence the sound of woe procMded, u A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. he beheld a sight which at once excited his wonder and compassion. Seated on the ground, between two graves — which, judging from their respective dimensions, were those of an adult and a child — was a wild, gaunt, spec- tre-visaged being, whose restless eye with feverish activity rolled restlessly around like that of a famished hyena. His scanty and negligently-arranged dress was composed of skins in their natural condition ; ftnd head-gear he had none, save his own matted unkempt hair, which hung over his weather-bronzed visage, like the mane of an un- tamed steed of the desert. ' ■ I. ■ ' VI. For a (Reason, Isaac was filled with no small alarm at the sight of this mysterious creature. He conceived that perchance he might be one of those strangely afflicted demoniacs then^so rife in Palestine, and who, in their hours of special possession, frequently wrought sore harm to any who had the evil chance to light upon their lairs. His apprehension, however, was but of brief duration, for he soon discovered that the solitary sorrower belonged not to the tormented vassals of Satan, and*] that in his blood- shot eye the light of reason still continued to bum, though dim pad flickering as a torch in the winter's sleet-charged wind. \- A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. VII. :.P i. Glaring vacantly on the clear, blue sky, that eremite spoke aloud the thoughts which welled from his troubled and fever-vexed brain. " No," he exclaimed, " the Sadducee was right ! The soul is mortal, and the bodily resurrection a dream of drivelling dotards. My sweet Judith ! never more can I behold thy liquid black eye — never more be thrilled through each nerve with thy smile, discoursing love unspeakable. And my darling Benja- min ! my noble, peerless child, what art thou but a deli- cious vision, fled, woe's me, and vanished for ever. Never again wilt thou nestle thy fair silken-haired head in my bosom, nor lisp my name in staggering half-uttered words, more musical by far than sounds of the most cun- ningly played dulcimer. Ye are vanished and gone, like a streak of morning mist — like a foam-bell in the moun- tain stream. ' . \ % VIII. " Once, indeed, I could have thought after a different fashion. Time was, when I cherished the hope, that beyond the dark tomb, in a brighter and tearless state of existence, I would meet with both of you again, never more to experience the sharp agony of parting. But ■ ".>#. ■'% ■xtf'' mmnim- r 16 A LE6BND OF BETHLEHEM. • that is past — all past. Caiaphas the Sadducee taught me my error, and convinced me that there is no resurrection, neither angel nor spirit. Oh ! cursed be the cold, blight- ing knowledge which that sneering, ungenial philosopher bestowed upon me. Dream as my belief was, it was a bright and surpassingly soothing dream. Since it was dispelled, life has been to me nought save a simoom- blasted desert — a dry and thirsty land, wherein is no water." And with that the heart-sick one threw himself madly upon his face, and dug his long, vulture-like nails into the twin funereal-mounds, between which he writhed like a crushed and convulsed snake. IX. Isaac of Bethlehem could not behold unmoved this pitiable abandonment of grief. Approaching the sufferer, he spoke to him in soothing tones. With gentle hand he uplifted him from the hard and churlish earth ; apd ^ ♦ . tenderly as a young mother handles her first-born, he 5 wiped the clammy sweat from his forehead, and the dust- * mingled foam from his parched afid quivering lips. These kind offices had the effect of restoring comparative com- posure to the hermit of the graves, and after a season he thus discoursed to his benefactor. K.' f ▲ LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. I/ X. " Gentle stranger ! if thou hadst known my Judith and our child, you would not marvel at the hig agony which « at times masters me, as it has d(me even now. But I will not essay to describe their matchless beauty, or my surpassing happiness. As well might I describe to you the colours and scent of a rare and fragrant flower, the sight or odour of which you never experienced. XI.. "Our world is more tha% thirty years older since, with my loved and lost ones, I dwelt in a cottage which stood on yonder grassy mound. It was a tabernacle of unal- loyed delectitude. Not a care disturbed our quiet days. Not an anxious thought marred or wrinkled the sabbaths of our peaceful nights. Sorrow was a strange tale to ul. Every new sun-rise brought fresh sources of unadultera- ted delight. ^Each evening the moon and stars smiled in their courses, at the vision of our unsurpassable enjoy- ment. My home was heaven. Seeing that there is no heaven hereafter, I am now amidst all the Ij^tterness of hell. XII. " Of passing events we knew almost nothing. Seldom did I visit either Jerusalem or Bethlehem, and then only a2 18 \ ' A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. on urgent and unavoidable occasions. My business des- patched, I was too eager to return to my paradise, to be- stow much attention upon the themes which interested and engrossed the men of active life. On one occasioni I remember, we heard tidings of a strange and mysterious child which had been bom in our city, and to visit which certain sages had come a long, and perilous, and toilsome journey. But we had ourselves a babe, fairer, we deemed, than ever had sprung from the loins of our father Adam ; and Juditfi and myself had neither care nor afiPection to lavish upon any other. AlasJ our aroma of life was soon to be dissipated for ever — and oh how sharply and how sternly! , XIII. *• "On my way home from Jerusalem, one calm but murky night, I met with a plain man journeying ^gether mth his wife and a young child, the two latter being seated upon an ass. He enquired pf me concerning the most direct road to Egypt, and seemed in haste to proceed, tarrying no longer than to obtain such information as it was in my power to afford. In answer to a question which I incidentally put, he told me that his name was Joseph — that his native place was Nazareth in Galilee— A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 19 and that his spouse was called Mary. On partmg he said something about the tyranny of Herod, and put up a prayer on behalf of all who had the care of young chil- dren. But for this latter incident the occurrence would have left no impression upon my memory. As things have eventuated it has remained there, graven as with a pen of iron. . x^.-X:'; / M. «! XIV, Shortly after the event just mentioned, I chanced to be sitting with my beloved ones, on a bright morning, in the vine-shaded porch of our dear cottage. I reclined with my head pillowed upon the kindly bosom of my gentle Judith ; and as our adored little Benjamin sported and frolicked around, we speculated fondly upon his fu- ture lot and destiny. A stirring and honourable career did we fashion out for him, and sanguinely anticipated^ the time when by his virtue, wisdom, and prowess he would add new fame to the chivalrous tribe of his fathers. XV. " Two armour-clad men — sol liers of Herod the king — came upon us or ever we were aware of their advent. Fatigued with walking in the heat of noon-day, they 20 >:- A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. craved our hospitality, which was at once, and frankly, conceded, as no stranger was ever turned faint and hun- gernsmitten from our door. After they had partaken of a repast, the sterner looking of the twain cast an eye upon our precious hoy ; and with a sinister expression, which will haunt me on my dying hed, should I come to numher the years of Methusela, interrogated his mother what might he his age. His comrade, who seemed to he of a milder spirit, made on this, an anxious and signifi- cant sign to my Judith, and prompting her, as it were, said * Of a surety the child is more than two years old 1' But my loved one, with all the eager pride of a mother, exclaimed, * Indeed, indeed you are in error. Our Bei^- jamin will not reach his eighteenth month till the second ensuing sahbath. Is he not, good sir, a noble and likely boy for his age V t' '■:■" '•■ ' .\-;^??^*' ..■■-'v. m . _ ■ t -,■■ ■' ''■' , - . - r XVI. • "No sooner had she thus delivered herself, than both I. the men of war arose, the kindlier one with a heavy and rueful sigb, and told a tale which was almost incompre- hensible on account of its surpassing and measureless horror. Even at this distant period, I can scarce realize the demoniac bitterne&s which it embodied and adumbra- A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 21 r-^ ted. Suffice it to say, the mercenaries informed us, that our only child — the silken-haired, glad-eyed Benjamin- was doomed to death hy decree of the infernal Herod. And, oh ! what madness to a mother ! that the certifica- tion of his age, had heen virtually the warrant of his ex- ecution ! Had my Judith hut preserved silence as to the period of his birth, she would have saved our blessed babe. XVII. (( Nothing do I remember of what then took place. When my recollection returned, I found myself lying over the ghastly corpses of .my Judith and my Benjamin. The mother had been ruthlessly slain in striving to shield her pet lamb, as she was wont to call him, from destruc- tion. I was alone in that once happy, gleesome chamber, and the cold night breeze, as it stirred my moist hair, sounded as if the destroyer death were whispering in my ear that his victory was full and complete. I writhed under his terrible sting, and crouched slave-like before the gory wheels of his triumphant chariot. ...:.:.^^ t XVIII. i: _v,.. •..'■■■' " For a space I cherished the marrowless hope that the patriarch Job spoke truth, when he declared that after mmm m'mmifmmm wrnn 22 A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. worms destroyed the body it should live again, and that with the same eyes with which we had gazed upon the sun and moon, we should see our Father God, and each other. To the doctrine — faintly held, it is true — of a resurrection of the human frame, I clung as a drowning wretch clings to a straw ; and J lived in hope that after this chequered life ended, I should once more meet and embrace my lost ones in that fabled land, where sorrow and sighing are strange and unknown words, and where there are pleasures for evermore. ■^vY^'-'n;- (( -,>^ XIX. My kinsman Caiaphas, the present High Priest qf the Jews, strove to rouse me from my melancholy torpor, as he called it. He told me that the idea of a future state was a fond imagination — a baseless fable. Angels and spirits, he said, were but the creatures of an idle fancy ; and that our substantial wisdom lay in making the most of the present moment. * Eat, drink, and be merry, ' he concluded, * ever^ thing else is but vanity, vexation and folly.* XX. %■: " Right cunning and plausible were the arguments inhich this accomplished sophist brought forward to prove A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 2a his position. They convinced me, but destroyed my slender remains of hope, and consequently of comfort. The future became as midnight — the present was left as dark and chill as ever. With my crushed heart could I take pleasure in the feast or in the revel ? The bloody visages o^ my slain ones glared upon me through the festoons of flowers which decorated the Sadducee's sen- sual board. I flew from the converse of my kind as from a pestilence ; and here have I dwelt between these two graves where the desires of mine eyes are sleeping the dreamless slumber, without a motive and without a hope — ^weary and heart-sick of life, and yet deriving no com- fort from the anticipation of the dark, blank future.' » ¥ XXI. Soothingly did Isaac of Bethlehem press the hot, trembling hand of the thrice-hapless recluse; and his eye lovingly glistened as if with the consciousness that it was in his power to impart consolation to the mourner, at once fitting and substantial. In tones tinctured with chastened cheerfulness, he spoke after the following tenor: ■{flRi XXII. "You tell me you were taught to hold that there is no hereafter, and that spirits and angels are but airy legends' t 4. 24 A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. ' to '■:.} k or coinages of the designing. Credit it not, thou man of sore bereavement ! Of all spots on the round world this is not the one for cherishing such gloomy and contracted dogmas. Of all the creatures of Jehovah, an unbelieving Israelite is the one most without excuse, seeing that his nation has been nursed and cradled, so to spea)^, amidst the wonders and mysteries of the unselh and eternal state. Listen to the strange tale I am about to recount, of matters which fell unaer the scope of my own ken, and then tell me whether Caiaphas can be regarded as speaking the words of truth and soberness. XXIII. " Thirty-three years ago, I was a shepherd of Bethle- hem, and on yonder plain have kept many a vigil, tending the flocks committed to my care. One evening towards the close of the year, several of my comrades and myself were thus engaged. The night was wooing, and though the moon was absent, darkness did not prevail, for the sentinel stars in their silver mail, kept watch and ward on the battlements of Heaven. 'Right well do I re- member our commui.ing on that memorable and most eventful night. Our minds were in a seilcns and solemn mood, and we discoursed concerning the great things m^f A LE6£ND OF BETHLEHEM. M which the I am had in store for His people. Especially did we make mention of the Messiah, whose coming was confidently looked for by all who had carefully and with prayer studied the prophets of our nation. We remembered the promise conveyed through the seer Malachi, * Unto you that /ear my name shall the Son of Righteousness arise with healing in his wings* XXIV. " In one instant our vision was blinded by a flood — I should rather say an ocean- — of light, so intense as infi- nitely to surpass ought I had ever experienced, or con- ceived of. It was neither gl ring nor scorching; but a thousand suns in their noontide strengtii could never have shed such a wondrous mass of supernatural brightness. For a season we were constrained to close our eyes against the overpowering and unbearable glory; but at length we were enabled to gaze upon the miraculous spectacle which was vouchsafed to our view. The curtain of sky which separates us from Heaven seemed as if rolled aside by an invisible hand, and a being, whose majestic beauty no words can describe or image forth, appeared in the midst of that new and glorious atmosphere, if I may So speak. Rays, such as diamonds of price shed, darted 26 A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. from every pore of his person, and his raiment was soft and feathery, like the fleecy clouds, which sometimes of a midsummer's eve weave themselves lovingly around the full-orhed moon. XXV. (( Need I say, that at this strange appearance our hearts sunk within us, and we became sore afraid ? But the beautiful seraph spoke soothingly unto us, and revived our fainting souls. Freshly do I recollect his every word ; for who could ever forget the ecstatic syllables which dropped from that sublimely sweet voice, full-toned and musical, hke the sound of pebbles plunged into a deep, rock-encircled pool. Thus ran his spirit-entrancing communication : * Fear not ; for behold I bring you good tidings of great joy^ which shall be to all people* For unto you is born this day, in the city of Davids a Saviour which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you : ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger,* » XXVI. "Hardly had the celestial herald concluded, than lo yet another marvel I The whole space which our vision could embrace, was forthwith filled with angelic choris- A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 27 n ters, in fashion like unto the proclaimer of Emanuel. Their numbers were far beyond the scope of humanity to reckon up. Millions upon millions of shining ones floated upon the sea of light, stretching upwards and backwards till the brain was dizzied and bewildered, crazed almost, with the impression of their seemingly countless and lim- itless extent. And they sung a new song, so mighty in its concerted swell that it must have, been heard, me- thought, in the remotest planet and star : * Glory to God in the highest^ and on earth peace, good will toward men,* And then the sounds died away, like the gentle sighing of a summer's zephyr breeze, which scarce ruffles the leaf of the timid aspen, and all was still and lonesome as before. XXVII. " "When we regained the power of speech, which had been clean suspended during these passages, we whispered solemnly to each other : * Let us now go even unto Beth' lehem, av^ ^pp this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us.* So we rose up, and girded ourselves, and came with haste to the city. "We were guided by a star-like meteor, which, as it were, beckoned us on, till we came to the stable of the principal caravanserai. There we found a goodly young child, lying N*^. «. MP 98 A LEQEND OF BETHLEHEM, , *> in a manger, with his father and mother as his sole attend- ants, and meanly attired in the scanty rags of penury. Ere we could say aught, the coming footsteps of other visitors were heard, and forthwith there entered a company of Magi ; Eastern kings and sages, who had come from their distant dominionis to render homage to this humhly cradled infant. Grave and thoughtful men they were> and from their c()nversation I gathered that it had been revealed to them by the Ancient of Days, that in that simple babe, for whom there was no room in the inn, dwelt pM the fulness of the Godhead bodily. XXVIII. i ' " It will not interest you to be told, how I agreed to accompany one of those devout pilg^-im princes to his own far land, or how I 'fared in that foreign region. Enough to say that some months ago my patron was gathered to his fathers, and on his death-bed charged me to return to Judea, as the completion of the Messiah's work was about to take place« It behoved me, he said, as one specially favoured by Heaven, to be present at Jerusalem on the coming Pentecost. XXIX. "Thus, oh stricken and mourning one, you perceive A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 29 n^ how mighty your error, how entire your delusion as regards the future state of heing ! No angel, no spirit, said you ? The air teems with them. Not a sunbeam but bears legions of them on some God-directed mission of mercy or of judgment." XXX. Sadoc (for so was the widowed solitary named,) had listened with thirsty ear to the ancient shepherd's narra- tion, and on its conclusion remained for a while absorbed in thought. It seemed as if the long-brooding cloud of despair was beginning to pass away from his care-furrowed brow. Anon, however, he sunk back into his pristine mood, and wrung his hands as despondingly as ever. "No, stranger," he cried, "your words minister to me not one atom of comfort. Something of the event which you describe I have heard before, but, without impugning your veracity, I cannot hesitate to regard it as belonging to the fancies which imagination often delights to fabricate for the bewilderment of man. At any rate, presuming the vision of angels to be real, it proves nothing as to the corporeal resurrection of Adam's frail children. Oh no ! no ! no ! There is, there can be no hope for me, of all men the most miserable. My murdered ones, neve? more shall I behold you ! never more hear the low sweet .\*' 1 ( m A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. tones of your forever hushed voices ! My lot may indeed be called M ira, for it is bitter exceedingly !'* XXXI. I \ At this moment the warders on the towers of Bethlehem proclaimed the sixth hour. XXXII. Hardly had the sound of their voices ceased to echo among the cliffs, ere it became darker than the darkest midnight. The murkiness, like that which plagued the Egyptian oppressors, might be said to be felt, so dismal, so frigl tfully sable the pall which was drawn over the whole expanse of the sky. Thunder, too, of a deeper bass than ever before had been uttered, rolled and crashed in incessant peals. It seemed as if the elements had been imbued with reason, and were with frenzied voice protesting against some unparalleled and utterly intolerable deed of reprobation and blasphemy. Over Jerusalem forked bolts of lightning hissed and darted like serpents vomited from the pit of perdition, and lured to the city by some horhd fascination there existing. In particular they seemed to concentrate upon the spot where stood the Temple of the Lord God of Hosts. And the earth shared in the mighty and most A LEGEND OF BETHLElfEM. m mysterious excitement, and reeled, and heaved, and tossed, and quaked, as if its erst firm foundations now rested upon the waves of a tornado-vexed ocean. XXXIII. In the midst of this wild and soul-paralyzing turmoil, a soft, violet-tinted light began gradually to pervade the region where stood the pilgrim shepherd and the world- wearied Sadoc. As it increased, it was evident that a radical change had occurred in the locality during the sullen reign of darkness. The twain graves were dis- covered to be open, the fresh earth being scattered around, and the huge stones which had covered them lying at some distance, as if removed by some gigantic, but silent power. And closely adjoining these disturbed mansions of mortality, there stood two forms clad in the livery of the dead. One of them was a female, and the other a child, who grasped her hand, and looked fear- lessly and confidingly in her face, undismayed by the mad war of the elements which rioted and raged around. XXXIV. , ,^ But who could shadow forth the surpassing beauty, not so much of feature (though that was great,) as of expression, which beamed in the visages of that meek 32 A LifbEND OF BETHLEHEM. and silent pair? Its main characteristic was peace,— peace, passing all understanding — peace, such as the cold, churlish, sordid world could never give, nor, with all its manifold vicissitudes, ever take away. XXXV. Isaac was the first to mark this addition to their company, and he mutely directed the attention of Sadoc to the strangers. Slowly and listlessly did the heart- sick hermit turn himself round ; but no sooner did he behold the nfew-come pair than it seemed as if an electric flood had rushed through his entire frame. Every muscle quivered. Every vein swelled. Every particular hair stood stiff and rigid. He drew his breath in laboured, convulsive gasps, and his eyes appeared glazed by the all-absorbing intensity of the glare with which he re- garded the innocent, saintly group before him. One precious, precious smile from them — a smile concentrating the rich happiness of years, brightened and made warm, the dark, cold places of his heart. His ears thrilled with the long unheard words " Husband ! Father !" And with a sobbing, choking exdlamation: "God of Pity! My Judith! My Benjamin!" he staggered forward, and encircled them both in one mighty, wild, hysteric embrace. The carking recollection of more thai? A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. 331 thirty bleak years of anguish and despair was in one moment blotted out and obliterated, never, oh never more to return. Their agonies were forgotten like the fitful dream of a single night. ^^ ^p *^ ^F T* * n* •!* 3(5 XXXYI. " Sadoc, dearest, dearest Sadoc ! come on, and tarry not to converse of such matters. Have we not a glad- some eternity before us? The city must be reached before the ninth hour. Legions upon legions of an- gels are flocking thither, even as I am now speaking. Oh haste thee, my beloved ! He is dying for us ! '* XXXVII. At that heaven-chronicled hour — the most tragically august that time or eternity ever witnessed — shepherd, husband, wife and child, were humbly kneeling on the summit of the mount called Calvary. Before them scowled three gaunt, blood-stained crosses, illumined by the lightnings which flashed and twisted around. And they were in time to hear the calm, majestic, pale- visaged, thorned-crowned Being who hung on the centre tree, exclaim with a full, sweet, clear voice* "It is '- '' • "< ^ K 34 A LEGEND OF BETHLEHEM. finished! Father, into thy hands I commit my SPIRIT ! " Having said thus, he gave up the ghost. XXXVIII. In the writhing and pain-fevered wretches who were nailed to the other two crosses, Sadoc recognised the soldiers who had slain his loved ones. He specially noted, however, that the countenance of the one who had manifested ruth and pity, bore marks of resignation, and humble but well assured hope. And a weeping woman, who was present, .testified that the King of the Jews, whose diadem was a circle of brambles, had said unto him : ** Verily I say unto thee, to-day shalt thou BE WITH ME in PARADISE." XXXIX. Isaac and Sadoc were among; the number of those who met together on the day of Pentecost. They gladly received the word of Peter, and were baptised, and con- tinued steadfastly in the Apostlps' doctrine, and fellow- ship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers. MIT MY OSt. ho were ised the ipecially vho had ion, and woman, e Jews, id unto T THOU 3se who gladly id con- fellow- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm « »^d>- ■iC EHYMES SA.OEED. BARTIMEUS. " Oh lone and lorn my lot ! To me the sunbeam is a joy unknown ; In vain earth's lap with rarest flowers is strewn — I crush but view them not. r II. " The human face and form. So glorious as they tell, are all to me A strange and unimagined mystery, Dark as the midnight storm. 4 III. (( Winter's sharp blast I prove. But may not gaze upon the mantle white With which the widowed earth she does bedight In rough, but honest love." B 2 // 38 RHYMES SACRED. IV. Sudden a mighty throng, Tumultuous passed that beggar's muddy lair. And listlessly he asked in his despair Why thus they pressed along ? V. A friendly voice replied, " Jesu^, the 'man of Nazareth is here.'* The words with strange power fell upon his ear, And eagerly he cried : VI. " Jesus ! our David's son, Have mercy on me for Jehovah's sake ; Pity Emanuel — pity do thou take — 'Mid thousands I'm alone I" VII. The multitude cried — " Cease ! The Master will not pause for such as thou ; Nobler by far his purposes, we trow, Silence thou blind one — peace !" r-^ i>- BARTIMEUS. VIII. 39 But bold with misery, He heeded not the taunt of selfish pride, More eagerly and earnestly he cried, " Have mercy, Christ, on me !" IX. The ever open ear Heard — and heard not unmoved that quivering voice. " Come hither !" Hundreds now exclaimed — "Rejoice ! He calls ; be of good cheer !" X. How rare — hqj^ir. passing sweet Sounded those words of hope. He cast away His garment, lest its folds his course might stay. And fell at Jesus' feet. XI. " What would*st thou ?" Wondrous bright The beggar's visage glowed. He felt right sure That voice so God-like, 8traie;ht would speak his cure. " Lord, that I may have &ight !" '"Ti'A" I 40 RHYMES SACRED. XII. He never knew suspense. " Receive thy sight, thou dark one for thy faith 1" And lo ! convulsively he draws his breath, Entranced with his new sense. XIII. Did Bartimeus seek Once more h^s ancient nook of beggary ? Oh no ! He felt that he could gaze for aye On Jesus' face so meek. XIV. Love would not let him stay. His darkened soul was lightened like his eyes, And from that hour the Lord whom he did prize He followed in the way. mm ■■am f. ■„ ■ , : (1 V \, THE INDIAN LOG CHURCH. > :) > «---■> ->i-. THE INDIAN LOG CHURCH. 41 f^, Rude forest temple ! little canst thou show Of architect' ral pomp or blazonry ; But to my heart thy meek simplicity Speaks deeper toned than prouder forms can do. Emr auel's pioneer in a wild land, For ages buried in the gloom of night, Thou first didst beckon with beseeching hand, To Gospel liberty, and Gospel light. Within thy walls, first, in this region, swelled The choral hymn of praise to Israel's God ; Here first the wandering Indian beheld The entrance to immortal life's straight road, And, nothing doubting, heard with glist'ning eye. That he was heir with Christ, of wealth beyond the sky. 4 - /■ 4 H » « 42 RHYMES SACRED. "WHO IS MY NEIGHBOUR?" Most churlish question, when the husky cry Of gnawing famine falls upon the ear. Can there be creed c: sect in misery ? Or party in the pain-extorted tear ? " Who is my neighbour ?" Cold one wend thy way To Calvary's mount, and gaze upon the face Of Him who bled to free our common race From death's sharp sting, and sin's polluting sway. TJie kind Lord died for all. Yes, e'en for those Whose torments wrung his flesh with nameless throes. Blush for thy selfishness, and learn to see A neighbour in each child of Adam's family. ■^■'.f, CHRIST MOURNING OVER JERUSALEM. 43 ■ r ^ CHRIST MOURNING OVER JERUSALEM. I. Like royal maiden sleeping gracefully, Jerusalem lay cradled in the sun ; Scarcely was heard the pilgrim zephyr's sigh, As though heaven's azure field it glided on. Our earth, save Eden, ne'er disclosed a scene So freshly fair — so beauteously serene. II. On Olive's mount reclined an humble band. From whom the sons of pride would shrink in BCOm ; Way-faring ones, whose robes the churlish hand Of penury had sorely moiled and torn. Plain might'you read^in each care-wrinkled face, That here they had nor home, nor resting place. ^•i ft "i 44 RHYMES SACRED. III. But in that mean and friendless brotherhood Was one, whose grandeur angels could not plumb, The ever- welling source of all that's good — By whom all things consist — from whom they come. Yes, Dives ! Him you turn from in disdain. The heaven, and heaven of heavens cannot contain. IV. "Who but Jehovah could the task essay To scan the thoughts which through the God-man's soul Like spectres flitted, as on that fair day His saddened eye did o'er the landscape roll ! To human ken, how bright the scene appears — Emanuel's sight it dims with scalding tears. V. Perchance the Past was then before His view— The l)k'0(^ -stained story of His cho«en nation ; Though highly favored, thankless, — never true— ** Rebellious, stiff-necked, prone to provocation. Killing the prophets — stoning heralds given To point their way to holiness and heaven. CHRIST u6viKiii^6 bTERJERVSALEM. 42> vt •,/ 1 ( *,. Sure as He gazect, there Vividly appeared The ghastly scenes of His deep tragedy ; In dark relief He saw the cross upreared. He heard the heartless blood-shout " Crucify I " Forebodingly H^ felt the Homan lance, The shrouding of His Father's countenance. VII. Next that false nation's dread catastrophe — So long predicted — gloomed before God's Son. Like dream of night the temple p.issed away, Remaining on another not one stone — Whilst, carnage-gorged, the eagle hoarsely yelled That Heaven's last curse was sternly now fulfilled. ■f:. ,■ ^ VIII. Small marvel, then, that in His tender pity He, who was love itself, wept like a child. When garing on that fair but wayward city Which from His open arms was self-exiled ; Small marvel that He cried with yearning moan, " Jerusalem ! Oh, if thou hadst but known ! " •♦J6 46 ■^. -'r RHYMES SACRED. IX. Pray we, that soon the glorious time may come. When the poor outcast Jew shall know his God ; And, after all his wanderings turn to home, ^ ' Weaned from rebellion by the chast'ning rod ; And nestle, chicken-like, beneath the wing Of Christ his loving Prophet, Priest, and King. ■\':f If \'i \ 'f'Ai MY PEACE I GIVE UNTO YOU. ■«. ff^; "MY PEACE I GIVE UNTO YOU. ft Oh world, false and cold, I turn from thee. All thy allurements fail to chain mj heart : Misfortune's sharp, hut kindly God-sent dart. Hath hroke this meshes which imprisoned me. The dream was heauteous, yea exceeding fair : « Bright was the glamour which it threw around : But soon there came the chill mist of despair. Rising like vapour from a chamel ground. Then I essayed to lift my sickened gaze To the hlest mount where Jesus shed his hlood*- "When first the mighty truth I understood, That there3alone true happiness is found. Dear Lamh of God ! ' from Thee doth well a balm To cheer the sin-sad soul, ani passion's tempest calm. ) mmm 48 « .. > RBYllSd^ BACRJBD« V^ U; SIN AND LOVE. !.«' n What is sin? On Calvary jSeek the answer ! With moist eye Gaze upon the thoru'-crowned One, Not now on the Triune throne, But writhing on the cross of shame, Though in him was found no hlame. 41^ II* Why does blood His fair limbs stain? Wherefore broil His nerves with pwn ? Whence the mystic, lonesome cry, ♦* Eli LAMA SABACHTHANI ? " A worlu^s guilt His soul doth wring ! A world's guilt lends death its sting I V SIN AND LOYE. 49 A^ III. What is love ? Oh, can you ask ! What urged the God-man to His task ? Why did he grasp the cup, nor shrink The dregs of Heaven's wrath to drink ? *Twas for your sake — ^that you might prove Immortal joys. This, this is love ! .iv. Saviour, Chriist ! let all Adore Thee ! Saviour, Christ ! we hend before Thee I Mid Thy darkest agony We behold Thy deity! Ransomed souls with one accord. Hail Thee universal Lord ! * • •// wmmmm ]'. >- .;|. 50 RHYMES SACRED. CRANMER. When he began to speak more of the Sacrament and the Papacy, some of them began to cry out, yelp, and bawl ; and specially Cole cried out upon him, " Stop the heretic's mouth, and take him away." Then was an iron chain tied about Cranmer. And when the wood was kindled, and the flre began to burn near him, stretching out his arm he put his right hand into the flame, which he held so steadfast and immovable (saving that once with the same hand he wiped his face) that all men might see his hand burned before his body was touched. He seemed to move no more than the stake to which he was bound. His eyes were lifted up unto heaven, and oftentimes he repeateu, his " unworthy rie,ht hand," so long as his voice would suffer him. And using the words of Stephen, " Lord Jesua receive my spirit," in the greatness of the flame he gave up the ghost. Foafs Acts and MonwnenUi t I. Within a dark and dreary cell, * Paved and o'er-arched with stone : There sits upon a couch of straw An aged man alone ; And ever and anon he breaks The silence with a groan. m mm '# ' >'* > : \ #^ :m CRANMER. m-^' A groan of sharpest misery. Of measureless despair ; And wildly gleams his grief-hleared eye, As if in that sad stare He tracked some grizly fiend's course. Athwart his prison lair. 51 No peace hath he hy day or night. One sickening now of sorrow Is his ; he longeth not to hail The gairish smile of morrow. Nor hopes he from the dewy eve. Refreshing rest to horrow. To pray he often bends thtf knee, In that mirk solitude ; 'Tis vain ! his trembling right hand seemff To scare away all good, That hand he gazes on with dread. As if 'twas bathed in blood. f/ i^^mmvii> -■■".' i.f'«"i!n»jiijiw!»k,iivnp,»fj|ipjii!npiiijiii. i, i*,w™i-> '>•-■ ••> It mmmm ■/!• mmmm 54 RHYMES SACRED. XI. For a brief space their craven hearts Before his speech did quake. And then like tiger fierce they yelled And hissed like coiling snake, — " Down with the cursed heretic. And drag him to the stake !'* XII. n They bound him to a blackened post Fast with an iron chain. And fired the fagots, while he stood Like one that scorned pain ; But as he gazed on his right hand The salt tears fell amain. XIII. " Good people, by the love of Christ," He cried to all around, " Take heed lest urged by flesh and blood Your consciences you wound. Since this right hand has played me false No comfort have I found. )l ff^frm ■I- ■ fH li-'iH[j Ifmi^^^pipipppw 'm^^mmm mmmmammmmmm mmmmmmmmmm .■*■*=*:. CRANMER. XIV. (C Satan prevailed, and so it signed Words I recall with shame. Tenets of error which my soul Did loathingly disclaim, And therefore, traitor hand, thou first Must taste the blistering flame." XV. Thousands intently watched his face, But none could there espy One shrinking muscle, as the fire Raged in its mastery. Upon the blazing hand he gazed With firm unblenching eye. « XVI. And as it crackled and consumed, A flood of radiance spread Over his visage, as a babe Smiles in its quiet bed. • ** Lord Jesus, now receive my soul 1" And then his spirit fled. T'^ t^ mm. •: ) $6 RYHMS8 SACRED. \- THE EMIGRANTS FUNERAL. Strange earth we sprinkle on the exile's clay, Mingled with flowers his childhood never knew ; Far sleeps he from that mountain-top so blue. Shadowing the scene of his young boyhood's play. But o'er his lonely trans-atlantic bed The ancient words of hopeful love are spoken, The solitude of these old pines is broken With the same prayers, once o'er his fathers said. Oh precious Liturgy ! that thus canst bring Such sweet associations to the soul. That though between us and our homes seas roll, We oft in thee forget our wandering^ And in a holy day-dream tread once more. The fresh green valleys of our native shbre. 1 1 •VHM^iaHHIBiPHHM ■MHNPMillMHililHiMHHi CHRISTMAS HYMN. 1. Sound the trump of Jubilee, Let its note creation fill ; Glory be to God on high. Peace on earth, to man good will ; Victory from Hell is torn ; . Hallelujah ! Christ is born ! II. CHRIS^AS HYHN. 17 r ■t>> Seek not for the King of Kings 'Mong the palaces of earth ; Though the Maker of all things In a stable is his birth. By his mean nativity Christ doth teach humility. ft' Viiip "•n^illPliMHffn^wqi^llipilppypijIlip, ..i (i 58 # €" RHYMES SACRED. III. Lo ! the Magi humbly bending, Homage to Emanuel pay ; From their learned pride descending. For His wisdom meek they pray. Heaven-enlightened they confess With God their wisdom's foolishness. H IV. May we be like Thee, dear Lord, Lowly as a little child ; Walk obedient to Thy word. And, with garments undefiled. Trace Thy foot-prints prayerfully From Bethlehem to Calvary. V. Sound the trump of Jubilee Let its strain triumphant swell ; . Sin is vanquished, we are free, God, made flesh, with man doth dwell. Hallelujah I On this morn Christ our Lord and King is bom. • 1 •^ mi'vn I'wnfppi 1 1' ».ll,wju>i. w uwi«j|NW "-J II .,li.>««!Wpp||m|p|p!< \ ■M*. ' ■■ \ .■' i ■. >i • • .. t ,■ n -"■,-- ^ ,i , , ' "" : ■':■,:>:-: •^:,. ;■:.■:■'. -;,v "■•"'t^'^.' ■ •, . •■. ■■":■■>;;•■■ ir-'::f^f:l''' -l ■ v/v| : 1 , ,, « ■ ♦ i - .■-."i, ^ - ' ' .'.. ', ■ '■'■ ' *' ^"■■t' ' / ■ ■ ■-■-■ -i • ■*'•. 'i '. '"' ■», , ' ■* ■■■'T' ' l^ . ■ J • ■ . * ■ • J ,f'. ■» ~ -■'-'r^^ -':tJ ■;.■.:•;■, r x'-. '■ COUNT OB, COUNTERFEIT. -■■ -.-i 'r V, ■>--:-;;«M. CHAPTER I. i- ' <■ ,- ^- * ' During one of the trips of the Mail Steamer, in which I officiate as jt'urser — and whose beat, it may be stated* is between the head of Lake Ontario and Kingston— we had as passenger a fine, hale, hearty old gentleman, from the yicinity of the ambitious and stirring little city pf ^amilton. He had been one of the earliest settlers in that quarter of Her Majesty* s North American domin- ions, and, without laying any great tax upon his memory, CQuld recollect the time when the aforesaid city consisted ^erely of a farm house and a log tavern. Mr. Nicholas Newlove — for so was the senior called— dilated to me with pardonable pride upon the progress ;|Rrl4ch Hamilton had made during the last few y^ars, l)ut ^ «. v 62 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. qualified his commendation by censuring the bad taste of conferring upon it the name of an old country town. "Can any thing be more idiotically preposterous" — said he, discharging clouds of protesting smoke from the clay tube with which I had accommodated him — " than such a practice, which is becoming calamitously common in Canada ? Some people defend the usage on patriotic grounds, urging that it tends to keep fresh the recollec> tion of the land of our forefathers. To me, however, it assumes an aspect diametrically the reverse of all this." **How so, sir?" I ventured to interject. " The matter, I think " — rejoined Mr. Newlove — " is abundantly plain. Why do we not find a plurality of Edinburghs in Scotland, or Dublins in Ireland? Be- cause such repetitions would be simply ridiculous. As well might you have a brace of Johns or Andrews in one family. "When, therefore, a Canadian dubs the vil- lage which he has called into existence, after an old country town or city, I cannot help concluding that he contemplates this colony becoming a^ separate and inde- pendent nation. It is only upon such a treason-teeming theory, that you can find any glimmering of rationality in the custom which I am denouncing. Hamilton — as doubtless you know — is a town in the county of Lanark ; and as Canada is as much a component part of the British V.f--' ■ ,%:" COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 63 empire as LanarksMre, why should it contain a duplicate Hamilton, except on the supposition that the sacred hond connecting us with the parent island is destined to he snapped by godless hands?" This reasoning appeared to me to he rather far-fetched, and though I said nothing, the expression of my counte- nance, doubtless, indicated that such were my sentiments. "I can see with half an eye" — continued Squire New- love (for I may [mention that he wrote himself J. P.), — "that you think me an old dreamer. One thing, how- ever, you must admit, that in a practical point of view, the tautological custom which I condemn is at once absurd and inconvenient. *^ ' ' - " For instance, if in directing a letter to our Provincial "Woodstock, you omit the supplementary initials C. W., the chances are great that the Mercuries of the Post Office will convey the missive to the locality where the fair but frail Rosamond Clifford was * done to death * by the jealous better half of Henry II. *^ j. - " Again, wo shall suppose the case of a monied Cock- ney visiting Canada for the purpose of fixins upon a place of residence. Attracted by the familiar name of London, he directs his steps to that quarter of the colony, and what is the very probable upshot ? The pilgrim's mind being impregnated with the idea of the British J 'V 64 CQVNT OR COUMTE9,FEIT. capital, he cannot well avoid associating London -loijaQr with London major. A^d hence it eventuates that whjeii he beholds nothing more epic in the former than a decfHO^t well-to-do country town, which has hut recently d<^ed the bib and twaddling bands of a village, he turns from the clearing in a huff, and pitches his tent in Streetsv^l^ or Toronto, or some other 'clachan' where the laws of association are not so outrageously violated." There was so much truth in this diviaon of the ol^ |;entleman'« discourse, that I was not prepared to conixo- vertit, and accordingly, for lack of something better to say, I invited him to partake of a " horn " in my c^in. 1^ Squire urged no objection to the proposition ; but as he was mixing the fluids, he observed that his sederunt could not be long, seeing that he had to look after his daughter and her aunt, who were both voyagers in the "vapour ship.*' This intimation paved the way to my making ^Sfiue inquisition touching the "women-kind" referred tQ, and my guest freely favoured me with the information which I now proceed to impart to the patient. p^iu^cr^ of these pages. Tlie wife of Nicholas Newlove died within one shprt year after her nuptials, having previously given bifth tp fk female child. So greatly shaken and unhinged wifi i' A' ^; COUNT OR counterfeit; // tl^ t^dbwed man by this calamity, that for a seaso)! he fbuhd it altogether impossible to pay a^y efficient atten- tion to the govemment of his household, and according^ly wttB fidn to secure the services of the sister of his de- ceased helpmate, as plenipotentiary in kitchen and hbH. Miiis Laura Sophonisba Applegarth— to which desig* iti^n the lady responded— was a devbted ^member of the sisterhood of novel readers, and as such profbundl3r' tinctured with the essential oil of romance. For every thing in the shape of common-place or prosaic, she ch%r- ishied a generous contempt ; and wottld rather have tramped bare-footed through the world's viaducts with a knight errant of the orthodox olden school, than have sucdumbed to the degradation of wedding an unpoetical agriculturalist, whose only crusades had been against the thistles which invaded his acres, or the foxes which dc po]pulated his hen roosts. When we take two things into account^— first, that this Canada is somewhat lacking in the article of "^ivdJry,** — and next that Minerva had been more bountiful than Venus, in her benefactions to the high-souled Apple- garth, — there will be slender difficulty in solving the problem, how it eventuated at the mature age of forty ' and "a bittock," the lady was still possessed of the fun- .dlimental characterilrtics of maidtehhood. i i ■ ■I mmimmmmmmmmmmmmmii^mF •^ A 66 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. Guided by the "choice '* of the excellent and venerable " Hobson/' Laura Sophonisba had resolved to emulate good Queen Bess, in refusing to become the recipient of a plain gold ring ; and as her income hardly amounted to that of Baron Rothschild, she made little scruple in accepting the invitation of her bereaved brother-in-law. Accordingly she flitted her personal effects to Newlove Grange, and was formally invested with the keys and control thereof. To the upbringing and psychologic culture of her niece Fanny Newlove, did the virtuously idealic Apple- garth devote the whole of her enthusiastic energies. With zealous assiduity she guided the not-unwilling nymph into the flowery paths of poesy, and inoculated her with the love of the "romantic ** and the "sublime." Ere the girl had reached her tenth natal anniversary, she was on confidential terms with every hero whose acquaintance was worth cultivating. Sir William Wallace (as limneduby the transcendental Jane Porter,) enjoyed a large slice of her regards. Baron Trenck she could have hugged despite his ton of fetters. And had Rob Roy been extant and a widower, she would have required little coaxing to step into th.^ abdicated shoes of Mrs. Helen McGregor, alias Campbell. Nicholaa Newloye had not the remoteat inkling of the i^ i COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 67 \^ state of matters aboye set forth. Having himself no pretensions to literary endowment's, he never dreamed of questioning the soundness of his daughter's literary stu- dies. Ripely satisfied was he to notice that she manifested an appetite for reading, holding that whatever its contents might be, "a book was a book," from which mental nu- trition must inevitably be derived. At the age of seventeen, the fair Fanny was one of the most captivating specimens of feminine humanity, to be met with between Toronto and London the less. Miss Prudence Pernicketty, the accomplished dress maker of Wellington Square, used frequently to liken and compare her to one of the coloured effigies in the " Magazine of Fashions" — no microscopic compliment, coming as it did from such a quarter. For be it known to all men by these presents, that Prudence regarded the meanest and most homely of these similitudes as superior in grace and pul- chritude, to the Venus de Medici, or the Sleeping Beauty of Canova. When to all this we add the fact, that Squire Newlove bore the far from apocryphal reputation of being the rich- est man in his vicinage, it will not be deemed strange that clouds of " braw wooera " began to float around his bux- om child and heiress. At " kirk or market " she waa oonitantly escorted by a train of devoted admirers, who ff. wfmmmmm wmm iipipwuppp^ t 68 COtTNT OR COUNTERFEIT. all diligently strove to gain a footing in her affections. The muster-roll of the maiden's "bachelors" embraced clergymen, lawyers, medicos, bucolics, and shop-keepers; (or more grandly speaking, " merchants **) — and as many sighs were periodically disbursed around Newlove Grange, as would have gone far to keep a windmill in constant operation. To none of these suitors, however, did Fanny " serious- ly incline." The most "likely" among them was, by a million degrees, too vapid and every-dayish for her exact- ing and highly spiced fancy. Not one in the entire squad would have been deemed worthy to flourish in a novel or drama — at least in the novels and dramas which she thought worthy of patronage. One of her clerical ador- ers, it is true, might have passed in a crowd for Parson Adams, or Dr. Primrose the late incumbent of the vicar- age of Wakefield, but what heroine, who was a heroine, would link her destiny with a fogy of that class ? Thus it came to pass, that the number of Miss New- love's admirers waxed " small by degrees, and beautifully less," till at length she had nearly as few beaux as her virtuous aimt, whose solitary suitor was a contiguous son of Hippocrates, rejoicing in a timber leg, and a wig en- gendered from flax. Though honest Nicholas had no desire that his unit , II \ "fi- i^ ■ COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 69 •~ r olive branch should live and die a yestal, he did not take greatly to heart the negatives which she returned to pop- ped interrogatories. The ungarmented truth was that he had had a husband for Fanny in his optic, almost from the era of her birth ; and though nothing could have in- duced him to impose any restraint upon the young spin- ster's affections, he felt as if his mundane felicity would be climaxed, if her wishes could be made to harmonize with his own. The individual whom he had mentally selected for his son-in'law, was a young gentleman named Cornelius Crooks, the only issue of one of his oldest and most esteemed friends, an extensive trader and ship owner in Montreal. Newlove and Crooks, senior, had been deni- zens of the same town in Yorkshire, and, though no rela- tions, had grown up with the warmest regard for each other. Emigrating contemporaneously to Canada, the one had remained in the city made immortal by its UU" sound eggs, whilst the other, through a train of circum- stances, was led to push his fortune in the west. Though thus geographically separated, the twain ever maintained a regular and confidential correspondence ; and the idea of drawing the cords which united then more closely together, by the union of ththr childreQ, had always been their cherished day dream. mmm m vi' 70 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. \n'1 Young Cornelius was intended for the forensic profes- sion, and as his assiduity and abilities were far above thr^ average mark, he was called to the bar on the attainment of his twenty-second year. i Before entering upon practice — or " plucking,'* as it is sometimes called — it was arranged that the young lawyer should pay a visit to Newlove Grange ; and his father hesitated not to certiorate him, that if he returned with Fanny as his helpmate, it would consumedly gladden the heart of his ancestor. As Cornelius had only seen the lady once, and that when she was just budding from a a child's estate into girlhood, he was not prepared to give any definite pledge on this subject. " All I can promise you sir" — quoth he at his departure — " is, that if I find the lady to my fancy, (which is free as air) I shall do my best to win her for your sake, as well as for my own." And having thus said, he girded up his loins, and passed on his way. Now it is fitting here to mention, that the freshly- fledged pleader possessed every physical and mental attri- bute calculated to make a favourable impression upon a young maiden's plastic heart. He was tall, well-shaped, with a kindly-discoursiug eye, and a classically traced contour of countenance. His temper exhibited that ad' mixture of firmness and amiability which so ^^^\\ becomes HIP f/- -,f ."^'1 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 71 r a man ; and as his studies had extended far heyond the range of Blackstone and Chitty, he could hear himself excellently well in general conversation. But ever alas ! all these recommendations failed to ef- fect a hreach in the citadel of the wayward Fanny New- love's affections. Almost at first sight, was Cornelius smitten with love for the handmaiden, and he put forth the utmost potency of his endeavours to render his suit acceptahle. With the majority of Eve's daughters, he would have induhita- hly succeeded, but Fanny was an obstinate exception to the general rule She had all her life been erecting an ideal and sublin\ated standard of excellence, and poor Crooks could not reach even to the knees of the mystic idol. He was infinitely too humdrum for her stimulated fancy. There was a dreary amount of plain common sense about him, which the pampered minx could not away with. And then his odious calling ! What girl of spirit could match herself with a lawyer ? A fellow who could boast of no better lance than a grey goose quill, — no more heroic buckler than a fusty brief, or a musty ti- tle-deed ! Who, in the wide world, ever heard tell of the Lady Crinoline, or the Countess Slipslopina, or anjr ;vher heroine worth touching with a pair of tongs, committing matrimony with such an abomination ? Once more, the ■i3-. ^ 1 f >'* i '-\ ♦ ', ■' • w '"' 1 • i -^ , wmm rf n COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. crushing and unfathomable plebeianism of the name Crooks ! As well be called Hunchback at once, and be done with it ! No 1 no ! — the thing was utterly and tee- totally out of the question ! ^, To make a long story short, Cornelius having formally made a tender of his heart and hand, was civilly but pointedly rejected, and re-wended his way to Montreal, bearing, instead of a bride, the " mitten '' which had bP3n bestowed upon him. So sorely did the Flamen of Themis take to heart the discomfiture of his primary cause in the Chancery of Cu- pid, that he found it impossible to settle down at once to the details of business. Accordingly two years ago, (bear in mind that I am giving the substance of Squire New- love's narration) he set sail for the old world, hoping by travel to dull the edge of his carking dolorosity. As for Fanny, who, as it afterwards appeared, was backed in her rejection of Cornelius by her Aunt Apple- garth, she got, like the fox's whelp, "the longer the worse." Some indiscreet gossip hating sent her a por- trait and memoir of Kossuth, she made a solemn declar- ation that she never would wed any one who had not " fleshM his sword" for Hungary, or some other down- trodden and oppressed pendicle of the globe. Not much did she appear to care touching the clime, tongue, or co* COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 73 A lour of her undeveloped lover, though, upon the whole, she seemed to eyince some slight objections to Africa. These objections, however, as she sometimes told her bo- som friend and confidant, Laura Matilda Mucklejohn, of Port Credit, were not absolutely insuperable, but might be dispensed with, other th ngs being, equal, and accord- ing to Cocker. ** In fine " — said poor Mr. Newlove, as he proceeded to wind up his domestic chronicle — ''my child, instead of being the solace and pleasure, is at once the plague and anxiety of my life. Often am I tempted, in bitter- ness of soul, to sing with the fellow in the Beggar's Opera: . >♦ *' My Vanny is a sad slut, '^t- Nor heeds what I have taught her; . ' I wonder any man on earth "Would ever have a daughter I" I am living in a kettle of hot water, from a never-ending anxiety lest the girl should take it into her foolish head to make a moonlight flitting with some crafty and de- signing scamp, who knows how to take the measure of her foot. " During the last six mouths, she has made half a dozen attempts to unite her fortunes, as she expresses it, with some of the noble but unfortunate ones of the world. d2 . ' -4- 74 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. " For instance, being in Hamilton last January, the crazy thing chanced to fall in with a strapping, raw-boned Highlander, dressed in his native chequered petticoat, and standing within a fraction of seven feet in his stocking soles — always presuming that the unkempt knave did R)ort stockings, a fact of which I am by no means cer- tain. " How this breechless loon contrived to get into speak- ing terms with my child, I know not, but certain it is that before long the pair were as thick as pick-pockets. As it subsequently turned out, the McBrose — for so the re- probate Celt called himself — made frequent visits after nightfall to Newlove Grange, and told as many lies as are contained in Macaulay's History of England. " He declared that he was the rightful lord of Dum- barton Castle, and of all the country which could be seen from the highest point and pinnacle of that ancient fast- ness. Even when dining in the most private manner, and merely upon *pot luck,' he never sat down at table with- out being serenaded by two hundred and fifty pipers, who marched round the hall playing pibrochs and coronachs, the melting melody wher oof required to he heard, ere it could be properly comprehended. " In order to accoui.t for his presence in Canada, the Af cBrose went on to detail that he was the legitimate re- • * ' COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 76 preBentative of the royal race of Stuart, and consequently entitled to wield the sceptre of the United Empire of Great Britain, France, and Ireland. This fact he had kept snug, intending that it should not be unearthed till his Hibernian cousin, the illustrious John Mitchell, was in a condition to back his pretensions by a force which he was raising in the populous bogs of Ballinafad. "Unfortunately, however, at this juncture. Queen Victoria became a convert to table-rapping, and in the course of her confabulations with the pine-inhabiting spirits, discovered the plot which was hatching against her usurped authority. The consequence was that Lord John Russell was instantly despatched with an army of five hundred thousand men to Dumbarton, his peremp- tory instructions being not to return without the head of McBrose, failing which his own would be inexorably am- putated. . "A faithful retainer of the persecuted scion of Scot- land's royal line, who was providentially endowed with the second sight, gave his Thane a timeful inkling of what was going on. He was enabled to ship himself off in one of the Cunard steamers ; but so ill provided with means in consequence of the hurry of his exodus, that h^ had nothing in the shape of reversion except the drapery on his back. f^ tf Vi '^^ t ■ 76 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. ' " As may well be imagined, great was the consternation and disgust of Lord John Russell, when, after searching eyery nook and crevice of Dumbarton, no trace of his intended victim could be found. A little creature at best, ;- he dwindled down with sheer terror into the small end of nothing, as the imaginative Yankees would express it. ** The shrewd and sharp-witted Palmerston, however* who accompanied the expedition, devised a plan which made matters all square. At his instigation one of the Dumbarton bailies was invited to sup with the quaking Commander-in-chief, and after the civic official had been pretty well * corned,' the two noblemen quietly cut off his sconce with a carving-knife, and carried it in a pillow- ' slip to London. The bloody trophy was presented in due form to her Majesty, by the Archbishop of York, as the head of her Highland rival, to the boundless de- lectation of that Nero in petticoats. She kept it in her bed-chamber for more than half a day, amusing herself by making mystical signs thereat with her fingers and thumb, the latter member of the royal person being placed on the tip of the royal nose. .. "All this dreary stuff and balderdash, did the most atrocious son of the mist cram down the throat of my unfortunate daughter, as I learned from an open letter lying upon her desk, which she was inditing to my sister- , %l '< ( COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. n in law, who at that time chanced to be on a visit to Oakville. ^ ^ " It was, indeed, high time for me to make the discoT- ery, seeing that Fanny was the very next day to have accompanied McBrose to Grimsby, in order to become the Duchess of Dumbarton, with the chance of ultimate- ly wearing the crown of England. " Upon inquiry I found out that the mendacious scoimdrel was porter to a wholesale dry-goods establish- ment in Hamilton, and that having a turn for the sock- and-buskin he occasionally strutted and fretted among a gang of stage-struck apprentices, who had dubbed them- selves the * Histrionic Society.' This fact accounted for the facility with which the red-haired vagabond raved and recited to the' bewitchment of my vision-weaving child. " The following forenoon I made Fanny go with me to the mercantile emporium where her admirer was employ- ed. On entering the door, who should we behold but the royal-blooded magnate sweeping the premises, and attired, instead of the Stuart tartan, in a costume fabri- cated of homely Canadian grey cloth. This prosaic ap- parition, as I need hardly say, brought Miss to her senses for that bout, and so enraged was she at the trick which had been attempted to be played upon her, that I i: ! 78 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. had some difficulty in preventing her from wrenching the broom from McBrose, and testing its strength across his shoulders." " It seems strange to me, Squire," — I could not here refrain from observing, — " that the very extravagance of the Highlander's narrative, did not at once convince Miss Newlove, that the whole was a mere cento of lies." "Why, my dear fellow," returned the gentleman, **you must bear in mind the unfortunate manner in which the girl had been brought up, and of which I only became ripely cognizant after the above-recited adventure. Her idiotic aunt had trained her to read nothing more solid or substantial than novels and romances, and consequently, even at the present moment, the hapless thing knows nearly as little of the world and the world's history, as she does of the form of govern- ment which prevails in the moon. It would be a blessed and a gracious dispensation for poor humanity, if the whole of these pestiferous productions could be gathered together in one heap by the congregated hangmen of creation, and the authors, printers, binders, and publish- ers thereof burned to ashes with their -felon pages. Bight willingly would I walk fifty miles barefooted, or with unboiled peas in my boots in order to assist at such a righteous auto dafe" - ; COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 79 )H (( Holding these views/ ' quoth I, "it strikes me that it would be your duty to commence agitating for the enactment of a Maine Novel Law." * " And such an agitation I would undertake without . delay," he responded, " only that I lack the attributes of a reformer. Quite as many arguments could be adduced in condemnation of the fictions which so rifely prevail at the present day, as of whisky or rum. There is not a logical reason which you could bring forward for the shutting up of a tippling shop, that might not be parad- ed as a warrant for closing the doors of every mart where typographic stimulants are vended to the unwary. Are distillers and publicans who merely debauch the body to be stringently pulled up, whilst compounders of unvera- cities which debauch and emasculate the mind, ply their occupation without let or hindrance? You may make a law to such an effect, but beyond all question it would require a superlatively powerful magnifying glass to dis- cover its justice." Though cherishing a suspicion that some spice of fal- lacy lurked in this train of ratiocination, I did not feel myself competent to play the detective thereto. Conse- quently, by way of giving the subject the go by, I ven- tured to precognosce the senior touching the^ nature of his present motions. , ' . I '' :uls rh^ , # :*V 80 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. "We are now/' said the Squire, "on our way to Mon- treal, to make out a long threatened visit to my old friend, Crooks. I would much rather have left my pre- « cious sister-in-law behind us, but Fanny, who at times is frequently obstinate as the foul fiend himself, protested that she could not, and would not budge one inch with- out the baggage. The old fool has got such a hold upon the young ditto, that they are as inseparable as the Siamese twins, or a bailiff and attorney. Happy would I be to cut a connection which already has been produc- tive of such a mint of mischief, but it is too late to think of tha^ now, and as the old proverb inculcates, what can- not be cured must be endured.*' *'01d Crooks,** continued Newlove, "was very urgent upon me to beat up his quarters at this time. He is ex- pecting his son home some of these fine days, and we «oth nurse a fond hope that when Fan sees him, fresh and elastic as he must be from his tour, she may be induced to change her mind, and listen favorably to his suit." " Far be it from me,*' I interjected, " to throw cold water upon your aspirations, but are you* not counting your chickens before, haply, they f-e hatched? Miss Fanny may be willing to ' take a thought and mend,* but ' it is likely that Mr. Cornelius will be inclined to renew I' / COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. ^1 J ' his rejected addresses? Are not the probabilities con- siderable, that mixing with the fair of the old world, he may have parted with his heart on the other side of the big herring pond ? " " On that score," cried my guest, "I have not even the ghost of an apprehension. Every other month both the young man's father and myself have received letters from him, assuring us that his love for the maiden is as vivid and ardent as ever. In fact, if his epistles are to be credited, it reaches almost to the boiling heat of frenzy. Romeo himself could not have said stronger things touch- ing broken hearts, and blighted affections, and perennial constancy, and love in a shanty, than what the fond swain periodically enunciates in his n.issives. Between ourselves, he is as mad as a Mai*i communication, that with all her faults he loved her still, and was willing to take her, if he could get her foi better or for worse. )> 1 ' 9 ;<4g|[^/' ■Bi 82 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. Here Mr. Nicholas Newlove began to betray palpable tokens of sea-sickness, and, indeed, not without good cause. The wind for sometime had been adverse and blustering, and the craft pitched and rolled like the ill-starred Sancho Panza when exercised in a blanket. All this was pesti- lently trying to a landsman, and, as might have been anticipated, the Squire began to wax white about the gills, *and to give uemonstration that he was preparing to ** cast up his accounts.'* Seeing, how things stood, I lost no time in making an ex tempore couch in my cabin for the distressed pilgrim, and otherwise administered to his necessities. Filling out a fresh cornucopia of pale brandy, I Added thereto some thiuy or forty drops of laudanum, .ind having made him imbibe the mixture, counselled him to lie down a.ij compose himself. Within reach ] placed the bottle con- taining the narcotic, in order thn\ the patient might in- crease the dose in case he found such u step to be neces- sary. Doctors may differ as to the remedy I dispensed, but I iuive u;(MU'nillv loiind it to be attended with the most beneiieial results. As I he vessel was, by this time, close upon Darlington, where some pnssi'ugers and cargo had to bd landed, I in- timated to the ])ronc Scpiire that I would re Thus strenuously abjured, Miss Laura Sophonisba took a seat alongside of her impulsive niece, and having laid aside the "Quadrupartite Quaker" for a season, prepared to hearken to a story of "real life." I could discover with, literally, half an eye, through the key-hole of my lurking-den, that the gallant Count Blitzen did not relish over much, this addition to the sederunt. There was no help for it, however, and ac- cordingly he continued his tragic narration with the best grace he could command. "Where was I?" — said the hero, musingly tapping his forehead. " I vow and protest, that since my mis- fortunes, this memory of mine would be assessed beyond its value at a counterfeit copper." " I think," — gently suggested t^e more juvenile vir- gin — " that you were at the coUops and porter." "In other words" — cried Von Hoaxenstein — "I was wishing that I was at them. iV COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. ■9^' "For five horrid, ghastly, fevering days, did this Lenten torture continue, but my agony, though gigantic, was doomed to be still more exquisitely aggravated." ' Here the weeping Newlove episodically remarked, that she could not comprehend how one solitary stone could have been added to the already altitudinous " cairn " of the count's misery. "Listen, maiden," — continued the beard-cultivating warrior, — " and your pardonable skepticism will vanish, like a nimble-footed debtor at the apparition of a sheriff's ofiicer. " Just as the strong-lunged warder, on the climax of the donjon keep, proclaimed that the sixth day of my penance had reached its meridian, the door of the den flew open as usual, and in marched the reprobate Clootz- mahoun, with his wonted train of ministering demons. "This time the trial assumed a new aspect. The dishes, which the sneering scoundrels bore, contained a fresh aliment. Oysters formed the staple of the tempt- ation. "There were raw oysters, scolloped oysters, fried oysters, pickled oysters, stewed oysters, curried oysters, oyster soup, and oyster patties — oysters in every shape, phase, and form, which the diabolical ingenuity of fallen man could by any possibility devise. I verily believe IMAGE EVAlUATiON TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 ^^ m III " i^ i^ I.I s. I""" 11.25 Ilil4 ||^ — 6" Photographic Sciences Cbiporation "^ ^(|Cember, wi|;hout once seeking or sighing for change. " This weakness I had unconsciously betrayed in the ravings of a troubled slumber, to a skulking spy of a turnkey, who failed not to enlighten his chief on the fubject Being thus 'put up to the dodge,' — as Milton hath it — the viper engendered this fresh trial, to whidi the faith and firmness of your humble, obedient servant was now exposedc " Oh t my sultanas, words the most vivid are all too dull to adumbrate the crushing misery which my stomach endured in the course of this frightful ordeal. To a wretch squirming under a six days' fast, North British coUops were dementation, but oysters eonstituted a con- centration of the horrors of Tartarus itself I ^ "There lay the maddening messes, ranged, like the fiur-famed two dozen violinists, 'all in a row/ Every COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 93 one of them appv'^ared to be gifted, pro re nata with ipeech, and to mt(me, < come, eat me ! come, eat me I' To this blessed hour I marvel hugely, that confirmed lunacy did not immigrate into my horrifically anguished brain. And there stood the Austrian oppressor, repeating his thrice-infamous propositions, and« between hands, singing forth the praises of the too, too captiyating natives. Jupiter Tonans I where then slumbered thy thunderbolts, that they did not strike the malevolmt monster into merited perdition V* Here aunt and niece simultaneously exclaimed in Sjrm- pathetic chorus,—" "Where, indeed I" ' "For a season,"— the Count went on to say, — "I managed to preserve my self-command ; but at length the trial became too tremendous for frail flesh and blood to bear." "What I" — shrieked the greatly alarmed Fanny,— '* did you consent to heap odium on the honoured head of your father-land's idol, for the sake of a few paltry shell-fish, which can be purchased for five York shillinga a can?" "No, beloved!" — was WiddicomVs response— "Olym- pus be praised, I was preserved from such an abyss of turpitude. As I remarked before, however, I could na longer bear up against the test to which my frenzied mmmmm 94 OUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. appetite was subjected. "With a yell which might haye caused the ears of a marble statue to tingle, I started to my feet, and by a mighty, spasmodic effort, burst my fetters ae if they had been threads of a spider's manu- facture, -r ■ ,'./*'.- •.■■ ■■',:••-,"•■-'. '^ •^•- "Ha! ha! ha! how I laughed, and shouted, as I darted slap dash, pell mell, at the congregated children of the deep ! At one absorbing gulp I drained off the soup, though it was hot as the liquid lava of Mount Etna, or the limb of an intensely deyilled turkey. Ere you could invoke the name of Saint John Robinson, I was pegging away at the balance of the dishes, and in the twinkling of an optic they were clean as if they had been subjected to the manipulation of a scullion. Speedy as the levin-bolt, I next clutched a hoary headed measure of XXX, and before the world was a minute more ancient the bottom thereof was dry as a long winded essay on ethics. I did not even take time to ejaculate the cus- tomary orison of 'here's luck !' " " But, by your leave, Sir CounJ," — interposed Laura Sophonisba, — "what was the odious Clootzmahoun doing during your hasty lunch ?" * , *. . v .; "He and his myrmidons," — returned Blitzen, — "were fairly squabashed and palsied with astonishment and surprise. So soon, however, as their presence of mind - **(.■ COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. .#.;•. was restored, the biped scorpions rushed upoh your un- fortunate servitor en maasey and bearing me to the earth, once more fixed the cramping gyres upon my limbs. , . " And now, ladies, I am arrived at the most marvellous portion of my strange, eventful history. If you harbour the slightest suspicion of my veracity, please say so at once, and I shall remain eternally silent. A million times rather would I be torn to vulgar fractions by wild horses, than be deemed capable of drawing that warlike but immoral weapon, the long bow !" With many passionate protestations the gentle auditors assured their knight, that he enjoyed their entire and unadulterated confidence. Indeed, Fanny declared, with something approximating to a zephyr-like oath, that she believed the passages under recital quite as religiously as if she had beheld them enacted. . ;r . ' oi*** Whereupon the bearded Hungarian ventured to oscu- late the not-unwilling hand of the maiden, in token of his appreciation of her flattering faith, and then went on to unwind the clew of his discourse. " That very night," quoth he, " as I was reclining in a delightful snooze, induced by the generous and un- wonted refection which had fallen to my lot, a bright and gracious apparition was vouchsafed to me. {■ . _..; m wmm m 96 • CO¥NT OR COUNTERFEIT. •I '■ fs "ho and behold I a ladj, young in years^ and beauli-' fal ^LCeedingly, ttood at the side of my eouch of lordid itniw, and in tones more dnket than 1^ bag-pipes of Fingal» asked me whether I lusted tcf behold once mott the green earth and the blue vky ? . " Need I say that I jumped at the offer which the in- terrogation plainly enshrouded — jumped at it even as the Gsar of hens jumpeth to rairii^ the charms of a ripe and ladous goose-berry ? Surely, oh surely, it is altogether mmecessary for me to say such a thing ! '< The lovely vision then informed me, that on one condition she would put me in the way of giving leg bail to my rindietive and sanguinary oppressor. It was to the effect that I would never wed any daugher of our common ancestress Eve, except herself. Without one moment's hesitation I pledged myself as required, and the phantom, after pointing to a particular quarter of my bed, vanished in a shower of rose-coloured fire." At this epoch of the story. Miss Newlove was smit- ten by a sudden attack of all-overishness, and it required the administration of a modicum of sherry and water, to enable her to regain her pristine equanimity. " Starting i^> from my slumber," resumed the Count, ** 1 made diligent search' amongst that portion of the cubiculary iitraw indicated by the vision, and found— ♦rf COUNT OR COUNTERFBIT. 97 Q^^What?" eagerly gasped both the ladies* . ■>* • ^ "A bunch of keys," replied the narrator, "which cvi-* dently had been dropped by one of the vassals, in the confusion consequent upon mj^ oyster onslaught. "With the aid of these precious appliances I managed, not merely to free myself from the darbies which deco- rated me, but to gain the exterior, from my grewsome bastile. Most fortunately a railway train was snorting past at that identical moment, and securing a first-clasB passage to Paris, I was soon far beyond the reach of aU pursuit. " Not long afterwards I had the satisfaction of reading in the public prints, that the rascal at whose hands I had suffered so much, Jbad met with his most righteous deserts. Enraged beyond measure at my escape, Clootz- mahoun cut the throats of all his retainers with one of Mechi's razors, and then expired in a fit of indigestion, induced by supping upon sixteen maturely grown lob- sters. I could not but admire the aptness of that retri- bution, which made crustaceous fish the medium of this matchless wretch's punishment. Never was there a more admirable instance of pure, unadulterated poetical justice. "And pray, noble sir," queried Squire Newlore'fl daughter, "if it be not an indelicate and impertineiit US i. .»■ • \ 'f u 98 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. question, did you ever chance to fall in with the damsel who Tisited you when in the emhrace of Somnus ? *' .^ ' " Never," returaed the hairy man, " till this memora* hie and never-to-be-forgoften day. Oh most peerless and transcendental of maidens ! *' cried he, couTulsively lay- ing hold of the agitated Fanny's hand, and looking round to see that »there were no obtrusive on-lookers, "it was thy thrice-blessed form which illumined the gloom of mine Austrian dungeon. Behold I lay myself, my heart and soul, my ti^e and my fortune at thy feet, imploring and beseeching thee to make me the most felicitous of Cxtant mortal men ! " Poor Fanny, as might easily be conceived, was struck dumb by a host of conflicting emotions, but her aunt was not backward in responding on her behalf. She roundly asserted that even a blind man could see the finger of fate in the affair, and that it would be the ne plus ultra of wickedness to fight against the developed decrees of destiny. r Emboldened by this hearty backing. Von Hoaxenstein ventured to suggest, that to guard against accidents the nuptials should be celebrated " right away," as the Yankees translate quam primum, and in the first parson- containing town which the steam vessel might touch at. V W^ COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 99 « )i^v" My father," faltered fortli the dizzied and sore per- plexed girl, "wiU'never, never give his consent!" v'*r;xcj ^. "Of course he won't," struck in the prompt and ener- • getic Applegarth, " Of course he won't, and consequently there is no earthly use in trifling and shilly-shallying ahout the matter. My hrother-in-law, if the truth must be told, is an old, obstinate, pig-headed fool, who would sooner see you wedded to Gabriel Goose, the squinting tailor, than any foreigner, however noble in birth or chivalric in deed. The illustrious Count is perfectly right, as heroes invariably are when affairs of the heart are concerned, and you cannot do better than act upon his suggestion. In a short time we shall be at the classic town of Cobourg, when, by playing our cards prudently, we may land unperceived by the Squire, and then Ua shall be plain sailing." " Yes," added the eager and enamoured Blitzen, " and I have reason to know that we can procure a license this very evening, and so the ceremony — " Here the trio broke up the confabulation, for the pur- pose, as I opined, of getting their traps together, and I was left to chaw the cud of reflection upon what I had seen and heard. Of course I had no option but to inform Mr. Newlovc of how the game stood, and that without delay. To my mmmmmm wmmmm mm |v I t 100 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. apprehension it was plain as a pike-staff that the so-callect Count was an imi^udent, unserapnlous 'adventurer, readjr at a moment's notice. to speculate in any thing, from con- traband tobacco up to clandestine matrimony. Beyond doubt he had become acquainted with the dominant weakness of the Squire's daughter, and the wealth of her sire, and made his calculations accordingly. ETidendy did he deem that if he could only contriye to wed the silly minx, the old gentleman, though probably enrag^ at first, would in the end come to terms, and, making the- best of a bad bargain, receive the pair into &vor. « ^r^ i I the more readily drew these deductions, because £ had known cognate games played before. !■ - . < ■i^S- tt •-» ;■' ■ ^ ;: ^ : ... ■ , ^^ _ ■:. -^.■, ,'V « ^ V" ■ . t. COUNT OR COUNTEKFEZT. 101 '.:|^:v: -.::■:'. ♦ •■: -.'■■.;-. ■>;. « 1 ■-'.»■- ■«•;,..■■ ■ ■ ■ . : ■» ; .: ^ I. "^v' '*.';• ,;'.'• ■ '. ■' ••' ". >. 'i.-^r^ • i 'f;l-,<- (. CHAPTER III. ,^:i^vj -«•■(. Entering my cabin, I found the senex in a predicament pestilently perplexing, when all the circumstances of the case were taken into account. ^ As stated in a former portion of this veritable chroni- cle, I had left the Squire copiously supplied with laudanum and brandy, wherewith to resist the onslaughts of the monster malady of the main. Unfortunately my pre- scription had been followed but too faithfully. . Not to circumambulate the bush, Nicholas Newloye was as hopelessly and helplessly drunk, as the far-famed inebri- ated sow of David. In vain did I shout fire! and murder! and rob- bery ! in his ear. All in vain did I pull his whiskers, tweak his nose, and moisten his poll with copious liba- tions of cold water. I might as well have experimented upon the figure-head of the steam-motived ark wherein my lot was cast* The only harvest which I reaped from ■^IWOW!"W-^"i^JPIP" mrwimif'. 102 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. my manipulations was a cento of thickly articulated! chidings, coupled with a command to make an immediate pilgrimage to the domain of the Prince of Darkness. ^. What was to be done ? This was one of the numerous category of interroga- tions, which, though propounded with ease, are con- sumedly difficult to answer. In the bitterness of my perplexity I cursed the hour in which I had accepted the Squire's confidence, and, by way of clearing my misty wits, drained off a poculum of brandy and water, which stood ready mixed at the side of the slumberer. '^ As I had afterwards occasion to learn, this unlucky draught was copiously impregnated with tincture of opium, and consequently it is not to be wondered at that ere many minutes had elapsed, I was snoring as musically as the cl^ief of all the Newloves. I was torn from the arms of Morpheus by the chief mate, who, shaking me by the shoulders, proclaimed with a shout which might have raised the dead, that the vessel had been for some time at the Cobourg wharf, and that my absence was creating no small confusion and inconvenience. . .,• i Springing up in a panic, my first attention was directed to the fair but thoughtless Fanny. Alas ! the bird had flown ! She, together with her aunt and Count Blitzen COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 103 Yon Hoaxenstein had left the ship the instant it had heen moored. This I ascertained from one of the Ethi- opian waiters, upon whom the party had conferred a liberal honorarium for aiding in the unshipment of their baggage. Pursuit, of course, was altogether out of the question. Even if I could have abandoned my post, I possessed neither warrant nor authority to apprehend and bring back the fugitives. With old Newloye alone rested the power so to do, and he was a pro tempore denizen of the far off land of Nod. How heart-rending the tidings which I should have to break to the hapless parent, on his return to the region of realities and care! Most willingly would I have parted with my year's stipend, to have been re- leased from the cruel task. With what bitter vim did I call down Qpmminations upon all stimulants and narcotics, and the engenderers, importers, and hucksters of the same! If at that moment a Canadian Maine Law rested upon my casting vote, the aquarians would have triumphantly carried the day. The reign of King A1-' cohol would have instantly ceased and determined for ever and a day. , Sound as a top slumbered the deserted paterfamilias almost till the period of our aiVival at Begiopolis ; and •^^m ' •■#: ff •lainpin ilffi'l 104 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. as soon as he became cognizant of current events I in- doctrinated hizii with the lurid state of matters. Gkntle reader, did you ever witness the mimic Mac- duff's paroxysm of grief, when informed that all his "fair chick.ns" had been torn from him atone "fell swoop," by the " hell-kite " Macbeth ? If so, you can form some conception of the storm of niiguish which desolated the lord of Newlove Grange, as my sorrowful words fell like drops of molten lead upon his ear. I will not attempt to describe the scene, but follow the example of the Grecian artist, who, in painting the sacrifice of a maiden, drew a veil over the face of her sire, as being unable to ctepict his fathoml'^ss misery. "Oh !" — cried he, after the primary burst of grief had in some measure subsided — "Oh that I beheld Fanny stretched stiff and stark in her coffin ! I saw the incar- nate rascal with whom she has eloped, and can have no doubt as to his real character. Beyond all controversy he belongs to the tribe of Lublin, — nay, for any thing I can tell he may be Lublin himself, disguised under a wilderness of hair ! Miserable child of a most miserable father, what a life of degradation awaits you ! The next time you visit Toronto with your husband, you will be- hold him inexorably torn from your grasp by the Jew- hunting inquisitor of tHkt city, and consigned to merited COUNT OR COUNTERTEIT. 105 bonds and imprisonment. I could have reconciled myself to the idea of your being wedded to the poorest of my^ farm servants, but there is frenzy in the con^deration that your fortunes are irrevocably linked with those 'of a dealer in antiquated raiments, who, most probably, has already as many wives as Blue Beard or the Great. Mogull" By this time the vessel was expectorating her pent up steam at Kingston, .u id amongst the firet who boarded, her was a portly, well-to-do looking gentleman, who, singUng out the Squire grasped his hand, and shook it as if he had bten experimenting upon a pump. " Glad, right glad to see you, my honest old chum !"— he exclaimed. " Here have I been kicking my heels for the last hour, in a night cold as charity, waiting for your arrival. However, all's well that ends well! Where are the ladies ? I long to give my little pet duck Fanny a rousing kiss." ,. j|^ Poor Newlove shook like a reed under this torrent of gratulation. • t "Oh, Crooks I Crooks I" — ^he stammered forth — "what ill-wind has blown you here at this unhappy moment 7" "Ill-wiad, man!" — cried Crooks the elder (for the stranger was that personage)* " In the name of wonder what do you mean? Did you not receive my letter. V '-*t|k II F immmmmmm WK^ mmm "JP Ni 106 1 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. m I i' ' Btating that Cornelius had returned hy the last Atlantic steamer, and had telegraphed his intention of meeting me in Toronto? Suspecting that my communication might not reach you in time (as our Canadian mail is not always immaculate), I took foot in hand for the pur- pose of intercepting you here, and here I am accordingly But come, come, where is the coy puss who, I fondly trust, is soon to bear my name ? Corny informs me that he entertains sanguine expectations of at length gaining her affections,) and sincerely do I trust that on Christmas day, at ithe very latest, we shall drink her very good health as Mrs. Crooks." Every word uttered by his friend, seemed to pierce the miserable Squire like a knife, and finding himself utterly incompetent to recapitulate the real st^te of matters, he transferred the task to my shrinking shoulders. Though Crooks senior was greatly taken aback by the intelligence, he exhibited much more self-possession than the harried father, and at once began to plan and suggest what ought to be done in the circumstances. After debating all the pros and cons of the case, it was finally resolved that an electric communication should be made to the police authorities of Cobourg, instructing them to apprehend the delinquents if still in that town, ftnd keep them safe till called for. This was done m the *,*'■■ COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. lor z^. course of the morning, and an answer was duly returned that the business would be properly and promptly at- tended to. It was next decided that Messrs. Newlore and Crooks should proceed to Cobourg by the vessel on her return voyage to Hamilton, (the railroad was not then a completed fact), and that the reader's humble servant, having provided himself with a deputy, should accom- pany them, in order to bear testimony against Fanny's infamous deceiver. Small interest would the students of these pages deriva from a detail of the incidents which occurred during that upward trip, suffice it to say that about midnight we reached Cobourg safe and sound. Late as was the hour we found the chief constable awaiting us, from whom we learned that in pursuance of instructions, he had succeeded in capturing the parties recommended to his hospitalities, but not before the younger lady and the hirsute gent had been united in the tough bonds of wedlock. It appeared that the Count had been in possession of a blank license. This he had filled up in proper form, and got a clergyman (not be- longing to the place), who chanced to be staying in the hotel where he put up, to perform the ceremony, on the same evening the exodus had taken place from the steam- boat. n mimm * 1 108 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. . : I i I Though Mr. Newlove was more than half prepared for such a catastrophe, the certainty of the misfortune almost weighed him to the ground, and it was with no small difficulty that the constable and myself could support him to the caravansary where the delinquents were domiciled. Arrived there, the officer of the law ushered the two gentlemen and the purser into a parlour, and going out speedily returned leading in triumph the female captives ; the " nobleman " remaining, meanwhile, in the apartment where he had been deposited on his apprehension. [ No sooner had Fanny, or, as I should rather call her, the Countess Blitzen Yon Hoaxenstein, beheld her pro- genitor, than she uttered a shrill scream, and fell at his feet in an agony of weeping. She vowed and protested that love alone of the most resistless description could have urged her to wed in opposiston to the will of the dearest of fathers. The deed, she added, was now done, and earnestly did she implore pardon for herself and the noble-souled exile with whom her destiny was now for ever united. "Without replying to this objurgation, the Squire turned fiercely around to his sister-in-law, and demanded what she now thought of her handy-work. COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 109 " This is the upshot," — said he, — of your confounded philandering and romance. A pretty kettle of fish you have indeed made of it ! It is had enough, in all con- science, for a chit of a girl to be taken up with mch. nonsensicalities, but for an old woman with one fodi in the grave, and a squint that might frighten Medusa, the thing is beyond all toleration." The allusion to her ripe years, and the optical flaw under which she laboured, was infinitely more than the irritated Laura Sophonisba could stomach or away with. In an ecstacy of anger she denounced her relative as the cream and quintessence of everything that was base, re- probate and tyrannical. She likened and was aptly suggestive of the ill-conditioned heavy-tragedy COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 117 old women, who have always some throat to cut, or some rankling injury to avenge. ' After a brief interval the sound of footsteps was heard in the passage, and the door being opened, Crooks be- came manifested, leading, or rather dragging the banished magnifico of Hungary along with him, the face of the latter being buried in the capacious drapery of a full- grown pocket handkerchief. No longer did the youth sport a costume h la "Widdi- comb. The be-furred and be-frogged surtout had given place to a prosaically unpretending black coat, and in vain did I strive to discover the masses of jewelry which had bedizened the person of the foreigner on board the steamboat. The Count had evidently descended several degrees in the direction of every day jog-trot existence. " Show your ugly mug, you vagabond !'* — roared Ni- cholas, his choler materially enhanced by the goblet which he had drained. " Look at an honest man for once in your life, when he is about to tell you a bit of his mind." Being thus invited to exhibit his frontispiece, Blitzen Von Hoaxenstein dropped the handkerchief, and stood fully patent to the ken of friends and foes. But what a change and, I may add, what a change for the better, did that same frontispiece present. The sulh picious forest of hair had nearly all disappeared, hke iiV mKnmmmm^mmmm^mm^m 18 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. u r pines from the surface of a cleared farm. Imagination was no longer left to run riot upon the shape and hue of mouth, nose, and chin. None of the mystery which first invested the incognito continued to cleave to his features. They were just as nature had moulded them, brought to light by the magical touch of a keen-edged, thorough- going razor. Whilst cogitating upon the metamorphosis which had taken place upon the external attribute^ of the adventu- rer, I was suddenly arrested by the effect produced by the apparition upon Newlove p^re. He emitted a shout, expressive of a large assortment of emotions, in which astonishment, incredulity, and satis- faction, were blended in pretty equal proportions. His eyes were fixed upon the Count with a glowr, as if they had been fascinated by a basilisk ; and ever and anon he furbished them up with the cuff of his coat, doubtful, seemingly, that they had become treacherous by the ope- ration of some sudden glamourie. Hugely appetitive, to all api^earance, was this scene to the mercator of Montreal, who, after a season, came up to the kneeling wonderer, and exclain|^d, with a slap upon the sho\ilders sufficiently potent to have disturbed the equanimity of a rhinoceros : COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. 119 "Man alive! are you going to keep us here all the morning ? "Why don't you curse the Hebrew huckster of superannuated pantaloons, aud be done with it?" This laconic speech, together with its fistic accompani- ment, had the effect of restoring the astonished Squire to his pristine self-possession. Assuming a perpendicular position, and that with almost preternatural agility, con- sidering his weighty capital of flesh, he made one bolt at Widdicomb, and grappling him bear-fashion, roared out with the stentorosity of a gross of town criers, "Cornelius Crooks!'* * * '¥ . * *K « 9|C 9|C It would be at once pedantic and impertinent to bore the excellent peruser of these lines, with any explanations of the passages above chronicled. Being madly enam- oured of the heiress of Newlove Grange, Crooks the younger, who had discovered the foot whereon she halted, made a bold stroke for a wife, and gained as the bogus Count, what he had been denied as the sterling advocate. If a merry syjpposium was not enjoyed in Cobourg that blessed morning by a certain nuptial party, write the Purser down as a promulgator of unveracities. The fu- silading of corks was a cautioui and healths, pottle deep, # msmmmmmmmmmmm immmm y 120 COUNT OR COUNTERFEIT. were dedicatee, to the prosperity of the united dynasties of Newlove and Crooks. The only malcontent at the banquet was the erudite Laura Sophonisba. This mature spinster was rendered misanthropical^ not merely by the mean estimate taken of her charms, but from the fact that her niece had not wedded a romantic and titled mate. *' Here's health, wealth, and happiness to you, Fanny," —said she, during a lull in the joviality, — "but it vexes me to the soul, that after all the trouble I have had with your education, a commoner's lot has fallen to your chance. Heigh, ho ! I thought to have seen a coronet on your carriage and table spoons, before I had shuffled off this mortal coil of ropes, as William Shakspeare says, but the Parks (Parcse were probably intended,) have otherwise decreed 1'* " Let not that fret you, aunt of mine," — rejoined the happy bridegroom. "My Fanny is entitled to stitch Baroness to her name, whenever she feels inclined so to do. When in Germany this summer, I purchased a patent of nobility for a mere song, from a Grand Duke who chanced to be slightly out at tliAelbows, and if we visit Baden Baden in the spring, my wife may take pre- cedence of all the commoners in Christendom." * SUMMER AND ^WINTXR. 123 SUMMER AND WINTER. I. One balmy morn, in laughing May, I sat by BothwelFs ivied wa*. The blackbird and the linty gray Sang sweetly *mid the birken-shaw. Beside me sat upon the green The fairest maid in the west countrie. The brightest diamond-flash, I ween, Shone dim before her hazel ee. II. m %. I broke my love — she said na' nay. ., We pledged our vows — it seemed a dream ; The sunny iiouib fled swift away As foam-bells on the whirling stream. Earth was|L&w-born paradise, A fairy-UwFof wild delight ; We spoke not — in each other's eyes, Our every thought we read aright. mmmm wmmmimmmmmmmmmmmmi^im^ I2i h ' ■ ♦ SUMMER AND WINTER. III. V. X I Time's stayless rliariot rolled along, Again I sat by Bothwell's ha'. But nae mair came the lihty's song. The summer's balm had passed awa'. Cauld was the gloaming hour ; and loud / December's blast swept o'er Clyde's stream, Bearing along with sleety cloud, The screech-owl's eldritch, boding scream. IV. I' i) Oh, welcome winter, for to me The gairish summer brings no gladness, And songs of birds fall jarringly Upon the heart oppress' d with sadness. But blow ye winds, it likes me well, >■ To hear you hoarsely round me rave, Henceforth 'mong you I'd ever dwell, Dirges ye howl o'er Mary's grave. I* V • -i>- CORIOLANUS. 125 CORIOLANUS. SONNET I. In vain did Pontiff, Priest, and Augur plead Before the conquering exile. Proudly cold • His eye beheld Rome's turrets tinged with gold By the bright morning sun. The factious deed Which drove him from his father's hearth had frozen Each ruthful fountain in his rankling breast. ** Hence ! coward minions, hence! — my stern behest Not Jove himself can alter. Ye have chosen To spurn me from you like a felon wolf, And therefore come I steel' d against all pity — "With feverish ardour thirsting to engulph In ruin infinite vour hated city ! To-morrow, on the yellow Tiber's shore. The herald Fates shall shriek — * Rome was — Rome is no more I' " G 2 i^*. mm 126 CORIOLANVS. SONNET II. « Thoughtful at twilight's hour before his tent. The Roman leader of Home's foemen stood, While clad in sackcloth and funereal hood A tearful female train before him bent. His heart is strangely stirred ! A Toice he hears 'Mid that sad matron band, ne'er heard unloved—* His mother's gentle voice ! Bright gdHeless years Return, long banished, at the sound. Unmoved He saw a nation's agony ! — but now His wrongs are all forgot — ambition dies — The fever leaves his brrin — the cloud his brow— Veturia smiles — " The victory is won !" He clasps her in his trembling arms and cries, "Sweet mother! — Rome you've saved — ^but lost your son !" ,# SSi. ^; '^^ MY AIN FIRESIDE. 127 MY AIIJ FIRESIDE. i: I. I ask not for riches, I care not for power, I seek not to dwell In wealth's glittering bower. For heartless the mirth Of the gem-spangled throng, As the laugh of a demon Or maniac's song. Give me the sweet smile Of my bonnie young bride, And the calm blithesome blink Of my ain fireside. m mmmmmmm ^ ..» 128 MY AIN FIRESIDE. PI It. I V' When the cloud of misfortune Glooms over my path, When friendship is cold As the ice-trance of death, When life seems a desert, All sterile and wild, And the night-shade springs rankly Where roses once smiled, What beacon my wandering . Footsteps shall guide ? The calm blythesome blink Of my ain fireside. » I,. t^^' A. GLIMPSE OF FAIRY LAND. !»► /-■■f 129 A GLIMPSE OF FAIRY LAND. I. Last night, in yonder hawthorn dell, There came o'er me a wondrous spell ; The moon shone bright on cliflf and stream. And a fairy rode on every beam. II. The Queen sat on a hazel bough. And merrily danced the elves below ; Their music the love-lorn zephyr breeze Kissing the coy-leaved aspen trees. III. And there were arch-eyed beauties flying. And tiny lovers round them sighing. And knights in tourney strove, I ween, To win a smile from the elfin Queen. '^ ^: 'f^-" \n ■»■", r 130 A GLIMPSE OF FAIRY LAND. • IV. The squirrel their mossy table spread With the filbert brown and the strawberry red. And mystic healths in the sweetest dew They quaffed from cups of the harebell blue. V. \ - A fair fay took me by the hand, ** Come, mortal, join our merry band. Flowers ever fresh for thee we'll twine, For thee shall flow our rarest wine." VI. And as she spoke a dreamy calm Stole o'er each sense like sleep's sweet balm, But just then broke the morning grey. And the pageant swept like mist away. THE EMIGRANT S BRIDE. r\ 131 THE EMIGRANT'S BRIDE. I. Fair are thy father's wide domains, None fairer in the north countrie ; There wealth ahounds and pleasure reigns, But you have left them all for me. Strong in love's faith, your lot you've cast With mine, for grief or happiness — Come fortune's smile, or care's cold blast — My own, my winsome Bess. II. With thee, my soul's pulse every day Will yield its meed of fresh delight ; The fleet-winged hours will glide av ay. Like brook o'er gold-sands purling bright. mtm 132 THE EMIGRANT S BRIDE. My only thought — my chiefest joy — Will be, how best I can express The love which glows without alloy For thee, my winsome Bess. III. Rude is our forest cot ; but thou, * Like flower transplanted to the wild, "Will shed around all things, I trow, Refineijient's bloom, and odour mild. No task can ever irksome be. If sweetened by thy kind caress — Labour will seem but pastime free. With thee, my winsome Bess. IV. In Indian-summer's dream v haze, ThIlHumber's banks we'll oft explore. And people them with troops of fays. By fancy conjured from our shore. The kelpie shall brood o'er the pool. The mermaid comb her dripping tress- Each grove with weird-shapes shall be full- My own, my winsome Bess. %\,:' ; :i: »• THE EMIGRANT S BRIDE. I V. 133 / When winter brings long nights and drear, And blythely glows our pine-lit hearth, Thou'lt sing the songs I love so dear — The songs of our romantic North. The lays will waft us o*er the main — Once more Ben-Lomond's heath I'll press- Pull Cowden-Knowes' gold-broom again— "With thee, my winsome Bess. VI. And I will tell thee many a tale Of fortress gray, and war-famed ground — Legends, which erst in Liddesdale, Thrilled our young nerves like trumpet's sound. How moist thy clear blue eye will turn, At Mary Stuart's sad duress — How flash at name of Bannockburn ! J My loyal, winsome Bess. ^ ^ VII. Thus gladsomely our quiet years Will flit away with scanty care ; Our sun undimmed save by the tears Which fell to every mortal's share. ' :l * tf # /: 134 THE EMIGRANT 8 BRIDE. .i>-'-i Cheered by the Gospel's genial ray, Death's hand shall lightly on us press : We'll part, but only for a day, My own, my winsome Bess. M THB PIRATB. . ^', " ^.yrr''^^ 13S ^ THE PIRATE. " Quick, hoist the sails, my merry, merry men, The hreeze blows fresh and fair. And spread the red flag to the gale,* Quoth Hildebrand Saint Clair." >f II. " For yonder is a gallant ship, ^ « Full stately doth she ride ; ' ' Before the sun his course hath ran I trow she'll doif h^r pride." III. « The pirate's bark with dart-like prow Cut swift the curling wave ; Now yield thee," cried proud Hilde'orand — ** Or fill an ocean grave." ^mmmm. mm^m'^^mm^^ m > 53'^^ (' u: i \f 136 THE PIRATS. IV. (( Then up and spake a belted knight, An angry man waa he, We'll try our might, this day in fight, Before I yield to thee.*' ■,* ■ '' t. They fought with bow, and spear I trow. Six h,ours upon the main, ^ Till the knight and all his trusty crew Were by the pirate slain. Saint Clair he raised the dead man up ^ To cast him in the sea, The corslet from his breast he took, The plumed casque from his bree. ■/--. * ^ VII. He laid him on the blood-red deck, And washed away the gore ; His locks, black as the raven's wing. His ivory brow hung o'er. THE PIRATE. VIII. 137 Then the pirate screamed a terrible scream^ When he saw what he had done, It was his son from Palestine, His only, darling son. ^ ft ir^HliiiM 138 THfe TYROLESE WANDEREr's RETURN. r I / THE TYROLESE WANDERER'S RETURN. K Long, long, sweet native vale have I i A stranger been to peace and thee ; All hail ye proud cliffs towering high. All hail each well-known crag and tree, I've wandered 'mid the groves of France, I've trode Italia's classic strand. But aye my pensive eye did glance Towards mine own — my native land. II* See 1 yonder is the pine-tree dell. Where oft enraptured I have strayed. When calmly bright the moonbeams fell, With thee, my blue-eyed Tyrol maid. »r «:. ' . ■; ' ' i^' THE TYROLESE WANDERER S RETURN. / Is she still true ? Away, away Ye dark suspicions from my mind, If she be false, then constancy Is but a dream — a breath of wind. 139 III. Beneath this tree we pledged our love That night I left my native vale — ^- The brook beneath, the stars above, f ; Alone bore witness to the tale. But hush ! a fairy form appears Beneath the dark wide-spreading shade. My name is breathed ! how vain my fears. It is my own, my Tyrol maid. 'r 1 f ' ..• // mmm m mmm \ 140 4 ANACREONTIC. \ S--^ ' ANACREONTIC. .- ■•-#; ^'v-,-, \« l» The other night when half asleep, I heard without a young one weep, "Oh, let me in!'* exclaimed the child " The night is dark, the storm is wild. The moon has fled before its frown, The rain in torrents rushes down. My limbs like palsied age do shake, Open, kind sir, for pity's sake.' }) • ,* !( ( I drew the bolt, and in there came An urchin — Cupid was his name ; A quiver o'er his back he wore, A stout bow in his hand he bore. His hair was black, his visage mild. In truth he was a winning child. ANACREONTIC. III. I chafed his limhs — I spoke him fair — And wrung the moisture from his hair, I wiped the tear-drops from his eye. And sung him many a lullaby. Soon all his fear and shyness fled. And smiling roguishly he said : IV. " The rain my shafts has sorely moiled. My bow I fear is sadly spoiled, But by your leave, mine host, I'll try He spoke, and let an arrow fly, Which pierced me deeply in the heart, Whilst Cupid laughed to see me smart. 5* UI * 1 ■ T.'.! ■Vr, : V. " Victoria I" the traitor cried, " The youth who love so long defied, Compeird to own at length his power. No more ihall shun his Fanny's bower— P Hi 142 ▲NACRSONTIC; Partaker of a kindred paiu No more he'll treat her with disdain. Farewell, farewell, your sharp pangs prove. That Pity opes the door to Love/ 1* .t-'A ■■itm *"'lt?* THS CfttTSAOKK'S MUIENAOB* ^%/ 'tm 143 THE CBFSADER»g SERENADE. Wake, and come down, my lady Idve, The night is calm and still ; The cloudless moon shines gladsomely, 0*er forest, lake, and hill ; And from yon IjAwthom shaded Tale, Sweet Bings tliiB minstrel nightingale. Hi Come down, my lore ; no one is near. The warder is asleep. The sentinel on yonder tower A drowsy watch doth keep. And neyer ^es his leaden eye SaT« when the screech-owl whirreth by. tummmmit /> •*■' ■■ 'H ■y.. ■\0 •M^ , 144 ' THE crusader's serenade. III. Come down, and I will tell tliee how I left my native land To win my spurs, and break a lance Against the Moslem band ; And round thy neck the chain Til twine I gained for thee in Palestine. ,vv * , •t v ••, iu n •■■♦ •V. » '< IV. I'll tell thee how the Pagan smote The Christian chivalry. And how before Jerusalem's walls . Our bravest knights did die. And how thy Hugo lingered long , In Fayuim dungeon, dark and strong^. iM ■ 'V. :f" Till at the last a Moorii^h mai4 Proffered sweet liberty, And boundless wealth, so she might share My lot beyond the sea. How dark that damsel's forehead grew When I spoke of plighted vows, and you ! '.^ .. ;. ;i' THE crusader's SERENADE. 145 4a- VI. And how at midnight's stilly hour She freed me from my chain. And prayed that you, my peerless Maude, Might never dree her pain. Or prove the grief tongue cannot tell Bound up in that dread word — farewell ! VII. But haste thee, love, the moon has set, Methinks the warder stirs ; The morning hreeze already shakes The tops of yonder firs ; And when the day has dawned, I ween, I may no longer here he seen. ■:'-'7 ■ -•;Nt-', h2 ;;.-> A''- ■. (f/ ■i ■J '• ^mmm * ♦ • /, 146 THE AULD WIFE TO HER CATS. \ ■■'.:' THE AULD WIFE TO HER CATS. I. Snell blaws the winter wind round my auld shanty, But heartsome the blink o' my log fire sae canty. * What hoots it to me though it rains, hails, and- snows, I canna' be eerie wi' Bowley and Brose. II. Wi* false, fleechin stories they never deceive me. Never wi* yaumerin maunerins deave me : Content wi* whatever their mistress bestows, I*ve aye a kind purr frae my Bowley and Brose. III. It*s mony the fair-weather friends I hae seen. Whose smiles were na* wanting when life*s tree was green ; Like vapour they vanished when sorrow*s blast rose. And left me alane wi* my Bowley and Brose. Jk. A i THE AVLD WIFE TO HSE CATS, /-■t>-,- '■ 147 IV. "When lanesome the puir hody creeps to her bed, Ane streeks at my feet, 'tither dens at my head. And dreaming o* langsyne- 1 sink to repose, LuU-^d by the croonin' o* Bowley and Brose. i V. Let other folks hanker for acres and gold. For nowte in the byre, and sheep in the fold, Gie me but content, a guid pinch to my nose. And my black and grey baudrons, Bowley and Brose. (f wm^ «■ (1 ' m ■r^s A SLIP OF THE PE]>f • ( i 1 4* " mmm ■ W mmm •C :\ Vv \. X M N-> ^•^. \ > \ 'N> \ ' \ '^ \ \ \' \ \ \ \ Ni « ♦ A SUP OF THX P1N» . 151 / . A SLIP OF THE PEN. / j Gamaliel Gravwawkie commenced his curriculum as a general - merchant in Peterhead, Scotland, with a small capital, and consequently with a small stock in trade. He dealt in groceries, hardware, candles, stationery, and haberdasheries, and though his shop was the first open in the morning, and the last which was closed against the public at night, he found it a hard matter to make the two ends meet. The denizens of Peterhead though on the main good customers enough, were pestilently costive in their payments, and the ink of many an account in the worthy dealer's ledger waxed dim and faint through age, ere the welqome word " settled " was endorsed at the bottom thereof. It may be here proper to mention that the education of Gamaliel had not been of such an excellence as would / / •^- 152 A SLIP OF THE PEN. I. have fitted him for a university degree, except in the " free and enlightened " United States of America. He was hlessedly ignorant of the heathenish dead lan- guages, and could not read with peculiar fluency even the living Anglo-Saxon tongue. As for writing, he thought it enough if he could make his ideas tolerably intelligible on paper ; and concerning orthography, he generally wrote words as he pronounced them. " I had nae hand in the brewin' o* dictionaries," he would some- times observe, "and, of course, am not bound to tak* them as my guides and authorities." Having contrived by hook and crook to scrape to- gether a few extra pounds, Mr. Graywawkie determined to see if he could not increase his capital by a speculation. At that time copper gave indications of rising in the market, and the honest man, after serious deliberation, resolved that in this metal he would invest his hard-won savings. Accordingly he wrote to his London correspondent, requesting him to purchase for him "ten tons of copper," and in due i.'uurse of post received a reply to the effect, that the order would be executed with all possible despatch. " It will take some time to do the needful," added Mr. Brummagem, "but due notice shall be given of its completion." "4" # A SUP PF THE PEN, j-i>- 153 .H: Mucli did Gamaliel churn his brains to cUvine the meaning of the paragraph above quoted, but he churned in Tain. By no possible theory could he account for the fact that there should be any difficulty in making the investment on which he had laid his heart. From the < metropolitan journals, which from time to time met his eye, he learned that whole ship loads of copper were changing hands every day, and how, therefore, there should be the delay of an hour in procuring ten poor tons of the commodity, fairly passed his comprehension. Time wore on, but matters remained in the same be- wildering position. The desiderated metal continued to rise in price, till at length it reached its climax of alti- tude. Then it began to take a turn in the opposite direction, and slide down the mercantile scale — slowly at . first, and then with a celerity which was positively sick- ening to a holder. Still no specific tidinga from the provokingly unaccountable Brummagem. Now and then, only, a uurt,.laconic missive would arrive, to the eiFect that the order was still in the course of execution, but that the job was an uphill one, and required time. At length Gamaliel could bear the torturing suspense no longer. He entrusted his shop to the pro tempore curatorship of an acquaintance, and set off for London, determined to find out at once the worst of the matter. ' f 154 }■ >>. A SLIP OF THE PEK. \ - It was, indeed, a perilous crisis in the history of his for- tunes. Small as the adventure might he to a " warm" man, upon its issue depended whether his name should preserve its fragrance in the money market, or he con- n signed to the rankness and putridity of the bankrupt's department of the Gazette. '-^ When the mail coach, (these events happened before , the foaling of the iron horse,) which was convepng the person of the half demented Graywawkie, stopped at York, in order to allow the passengers to go through the process of sustentation, our hero entered the supper- room with his companions, infinitely too jaded, however, to swallow a solitary morsel. Everything, meat, bread, and pickles seemed encrusted and impregnated with • copper, and like the " amen" of Macbeth, stuck pertina- ciously in his throat. % ifc; As he was draining in semi-rabid desperation, a stiffish glass of brandy and hot water, the only thing in the shape of nutriment which he could imbibe, Gamaliel heard his not very common name pronounced by a Cock- ney commercial traveller, or bagman, who was seated with ^ a confrere at an adjacent table. Wearied and fagged out as he was, he could only make out a few words here and there of the conference, but these were suffi- \ - A SLIP OF THE PEN. 155 cient to drive him to the culminating point of wonder and distraction. ••.■•■ •^7.* ^' ■ V'-- -./^ --'-■, ^. ' 'rK-;--:>, ■. '='';->»v;.r "Wonderful fellow that Graywawkie must he, to he sure ! Prodigious order ! Ten whole tons ! "Why, the man must he either mad, or have the Bank of England at his command I I shall make it a point to give him a call when I reach the north I Hope to hook him for a few thousands !" .^ , ' ^^ 'n^ At this moment the horn of his Majesty's mail sounded a retreat, and Graywawkie dashing down the price of the meal which he had not tasted, rushed out to his locomo- tive " coflvenience," like an. opium-drugged Malay running a muck. . . • ,, Arrived in London, the Peterhead shopkeeper lost no time in seeking the counting-room of his correspondent, and having stated his name to the underlings, requested an immediate audience of the riddle-engendering Brum- magem. The clerks, who seemed to regard him with a look of respectful wonder, speedily announced his arrival to their principal, and in a few pulsations of time Mr. Graywawkie and his correspondent stood face to face Ih the flesh. "My dear sir," exclaimed the Englishman, "permit me to offer you my warmest congratulations. This very morning I succeeded in accomplishing your commissioDi ^^^HF^mmemr' H»9^ ■?T " - V^''^™^!^^ 156 A SLIP OF TRS P£N. and you are now the largest holder of the article withm the British dominions ! Why, your name has heen the common talk on 'Change for the last ten days. You are called the Scotch phenomenon, and the prince of hold speculators I'* . . Completely taken ahack hy this mysterious and un- fathomable greeting, Gamaliel was unable to squeeze out a solitary word in rejoinder. His hair literally stood on end like a crop of youthful pokers — his tongue claye to the roof of his mouth, even as a herring adheres to the bottom of a red hot frying-pan — and sinking down on the nearest chair, he waited with unwinking eyes to hear what would come next. Had the informiition been that he had succeeded to the Papal throne, or been elected Commander of the Faithful, his wonder could not have been increased one jot or tittle. Mr. Brummagem did not give him time to recover his self-possession, but continued to rattle on at the rate of twenty knots an hour. ** If I might make so bold," he said, " I would suggest that you should sell out forthwith. The market is now as bare of the article as a Surgeon^s-Hall skeleton is of flesh. Our grocers are clamorous for a supply, and I cannot walk the streets without being waylaid by scores of 'em. You can make your own terms, by jingo ! and fv mmmm. mmm A SLIP OF THE PEN. 157 of dl •res I qnestion not could clear thousands by mid-day, if you would release your hold. Think well about it, dear Mr. Graywawkie, and pray consider the lamentable condition of the eating world. Why, I hear that there have not been half a dozen legs of mutton boiled within the city for nearly a week !'* " What, in the name of nonsense, do you mean ?'* at length managed to gasp out the utterly confounded GamaUel. "Can there b6 any earthly connection be- tween my order and the meals of your Southern gluttons ? Surely, with* all their brass, they do not season their mutton with copper sauce ?" "Not exactly, my excellent sir," was the rejoinder, "but caperst you know, are generally necessary for that fimmrite dish." '; ' .. " Do you mean to insult me, you scoundrel V* yelled the unhappy native of Peterhead, who had by this time fairly passed the rubicon of sanity. ** What have I to do with all, or any, of the plagued capers in the universe ? Speak, miscreant, or I shall save the hangman the trouble of throttling you I** "Ha! ha!" blandly interposed the smiling Brumma- gem, " I see it all ! Cold morning — ^long drive — overly strong potation at the last stopping place ! These things will happen at times to the best of us ! No man is a f V -p u,jWi»yilj!i,illiljlUHI I iailu^iiiMfnipiiiilRpi .1- 158 A SLIP OF THE PEN. 1^ v'* «atr ^lY at all hours, as we used to say at scliool ! Here John ! Fetch me Mr. Graywawkie*s order. Perhaps a sight of the document will restore your recollection." The missive was hrought, and the hroker unfolding the same, hegan to recapitulate its contents. " Hum — just so — ^plain as a pike-staff — ^ten tons of capers — nothing could he clearer. Let me again advise you to sell out on the nail. Never will there be a better chance." ■• Slowly biit surely did the light now begin to dawn upon the muddled brain of the North British huckster, till at length he was enabled to tackle the real state of the case. Prudently concealing the fact that he had by mistake written " capers" for " copper," Gamaliel, with a faint laugh, begged pardon for his recent outbreak, and hinted something about' the heady effects of London gin when taken before breakfast. * Little more requires to be told. The capers were dis- posed of to the famishing Cockney grocers that very forenoon, and before many days had elapsed, the credit Account of Gamaliel Graywa\vkie in the Peterhead branch of the Bank of Scotland, exhibited more hundreds of pounds than ever previously it had contained tens. TRACE OF A PAST CELEBKITY. // IPW •♦>' =- / ■■ ", . r 4., #-.■■-.■'■ . ^mmmmm. mmmmmmiflfi ' jt TRACE OF A I'AST CELEBRITY. 161 TEACE OF A PAST CELEBBITY. When passing througli a village in the Township of Toronto, some two summers ago, we chanced to enter into communing with a rough* spun, stal worth, sun- bronzed English yeoman, who was engaged in excavating a well. At dnce unsophisticated and intelligent was the character of the man's countenance, and the impression thus created suffered no refutation from the tone and bearing of his observations upon the subject matters handled in our brief colloquy. Leaving the well-digger for a season, let us call to remembrance an ill-starred ecclesiastic, whose name formed a prominent item in the criminal annals of the / ■'- ■ " last century. I 2 >" ■ ::r^' 162 TRACE OP A PAST CELEBRITY. A "William Dodd, the son of a Devonshire clergyman, was born in 1729, and educated in Cambrid 163 her liege lorji of the matter, the name of the simoniac was struck from the list of Court Chaplaint^. Buined at once in character and purse, Dodd sought refuge at Geneva, where in an evil hour, as it so eventu- ated, he fell in with that Napoleon of '* deportment," the Earl of Chesterfield, whose tutor he had been. This nobleman presented his ex-mentor with a small living, utterly inadequate to feed the cravings of the incumbent^s fashion-vitiated tastes. 'Ere long the grewsome tide of debt surged wildly round him as ever, and driven desperate by duns, the unfortunate divine committed a forgery upon his patron by which he ob- tained a considerable sum of money. There is pregnant reason to conclude that Dodd honestly purposed to replace the sum thus fraudulently got, but before he could do so the delict was discovered, and the Earl, with constitutional callousness, prosecuted the offender, who was convicted and sentenced to the gallows. Much interest was employed to procure a mitigation of punishment, particularly by Samuel Johnson, then in the zenith of his fame, v.ho composed the petition addressed by the criminal to the King. All these efforts, however, proved abortive, and the man upon # f IGl TRACE OF A PAST CELEBRITY. if wlioae lips the most illuatrioas had orafc hung entranced was conveyed in a hackney coach to Tybuni, and strang- led by the hands of the common executioner, " He died," ftays a contemporary journalist, "with all the marks of sincere contrition for the crime he had com- raittod, and tlio disgrace ho Imd brought upon his profession." Return w.o now, after this seemingly "impertinent" episode of Newgate Calendar history, to our epade-and- nmttock-wielding acquaintance of Toronto Township. " I suppose, sir," quoth he, during the currency of our confabulation, ** I suppose, sir, you do not know me?'* To this interrogation wo were constrained to return a response in the negative. " Well sir," continued the man of manual toil, " I am the great-grandson of tho old Doctor." '• What old Doctor ?" was our not unnatural exclama- tlon, tiuable as wo were to make any tiling of this wide- margined and ultra-general item of intelligence. " Why, Doctor Dodd, to be sure. Him as was hanged long ago in London for forgery. I thought every body had heard tell of the Doctor 1" Subsequent enquiries resulted in our being certiorated that matters really stoocl as above reprosented| and that > iiiU^iiiiiBpiiiwwiwiyBppmillippiippilPKPUP 'immmmmm mfgrnm TRACE OF A PAST CELEBRITY. 165 we had chanced to light upon the lineal heir of one who in his day and generation had enjoyed so large a sliare of fame and notoriety. It might have been merely a caprice of imagination, but in the tanned visage of the Canadian well-digger we fancied that we could trace a resemblance to the well known portraits of the accom- plished and thrice hapless author of '' Prison Thoughts.*' •i# H L <.,..i«!.<^ui(i. . .ipiiwiJ.H.iii!i^iii|iiL! wuinimPiMi^^iinppiqiHIHHipppipii^^ A LEG DUEL. f »\ •'^^■IpWlPlffifWljwwflllpippfffPlppilfS^^ i m i» I V* h .T- ' ^^iifr^^mmmmmfifllliimf'''^ mm liilPiiiiiliiippiPPillViMii ▲ IXa DITKL* 169 A LEG DUEL. Not long ago there was celebrated in the New York Astor House, the annual gaudiamus, • or supper, of a chess club, tSe members whereof are of an exceedingly diversified texture. Its muster-roll embraces the names of " fast " men &bout town, and slow but sure cultivators of businesff. The three learned faculties have their representatives in the confederation, and more than one of the drab-garmented disciples of Fox and Penn swell the numbers of the many-complexioned brotherhood. Daring the currency of the evening to which our nar- rative has reference, the amenity of the proceedings was signally moiled by tlie factious escapades of a youthful sprig of the " Southern chivalry," answering to the name of Hannibal Ilamilcar Snooks. JIml was not a member ppiil "M^ypipii IW.I UIM m^frm ^ . ■Ji^liilliRIKP^miiW ■"W" 170 ▲ LEO DUEL. i of the club, but had been introduced as a visitor for that night only, by one of the initiated. Without stint did Hannibal imbibe of the "wealth of vintages/' under which the board groaned, and when ^ <* the malt got fairly above the meal," as the denizens of North Britain quaintly express it — ^his bearing waxed utterly intolerable. He interlarded his discourse with, ** strange oaths," which could hardly have been out-cli- maxed by uncle Toby's unorthodox military confreres who "swore, so terribly in Flanders;" and the most experienced "nymph of the pave" would have blushed at some of the meretricious expletives to which he gave birth. . A.. ^ Silently, if not with patience, did the company submit for a season to this infliction. Few, perchance none of their number were " cunning at fence," and Hannibal H. enjoyed the reputation of being a ** dead shot," who in his day and generation had, in tiie words of Dan Homer, " despatched many souls prematurely to Hades." At length one of the social synod, a worthy Quaker denominated Aminadab Dry, (who was likewise a guest of the club) fairly became bankrupt of endurance, and stringently tackled the foul-mouthed son of the Soutji. He denounced him as being a disgrace to civilized society, and only fit to herd with the scum and offscourings of mmmi^ wmm A LEG DUEL. 171 creation. *'1£ the rod," sud the much indignant Dry, " were made familiarly acquainted with thy. back, it might be better for thyself, and for all who have the evil for- tune to be plagued with thy companionship." • ♦ - 'Hardly necessary is it to remark that this rebuke had the effect of driving Snooks more than half demented with rage. Torrent after torrent of blasphemous com- minations did he heap upon the head of his admonisher, and at the close of the satanic litany he challenged the Quaker to fight him then and there with pistols, under pain of being published to the universe as a scoundrel and a coward. "Though a man of peace," replied Aminadab, quietly knocking 'the ashes from the tip of his cigar, " and as such precluded from shedding thy bad blood, I feel well assured that my stock of the carnal commodity called courage is, at least, as good as thine own." " All precious fine! " cried the broiling Hannibal Ha- milcar. "All ptecious fine, you confounded old hum- bug 1 but I should like to see some proof of your pluck. Deeds and not words, is the motto for my money." " That sentiment," quoth Dry, " likewise meeteth with my approbation, and I am prepared to act upon it without delay. If I be not the more mistaken, the laws of honour, as Philistines like thyself term the rules of A i -..-<«■..••«., 172 A LEG DUEL. )l ill ■I throat-cutting, leave the choice of weapons to the chal- lenged party. Now, friend, let us forthwith order into the chamber two tubs replenished with boiling water, as hot as fire can make it. I shall place my right leg in one of these vessels, thou following my example with the other, and he who first giveth tokens of discomfiture shall be esteemed the least valorous of the twain." ■ 1" Under ordinary circumstances Mr. Snooks might have demurred to this novel joust, but being hot with stimu- lants, and' fevered by marginless rage, he at once pro* claimed his willingness to accede to the proposition. Accordingly the tubs, steaming with calorific fluid, were promptly produced, into which the combatants plunged their dexter locomotive appliances without a moment's hesitation or delay. "With all the phlegm of the aboriginal Dutchman, did friend Dry submit to the self-imposed infliction. Not for one solitary second did he intermit the process of smoking the narcotic herb ^ the virtues whereof were re- vealed to Christendom by Sir "Walter Raleigh, and the most indomitable North Ameri(?an " brave ** might have envied the stolid stoicism which the broad visage of the patient presented. Every muscle remained in the most profound and unruffled repose. ' , '] v - v.ii •lA A LEG DVEL. 173 'ii'('. ^Widely different was the state of matters so far as Han- nibal Hamilcar Snooks was concerned. Ere two minutes had been added to the age of the world, big globules of the perspiration of agony burst from his temples, and curses " not loud but deep,*' demonstrated the ecstasy of suffering which he was undergoing. Not long did the seething struggle last. Worn out natj^re succumbed under the ordeal, and with a yell which was heard in. the attics and cellars of the caravansary, the Southern with- drew his limb from the torturing cauldron, and fell prone upon the floor in a swoon. When the vanquished knight had been duly conveyed to a bed chamber in order to have the benefit of leech- craft for his dolorosities, the residual company turned their anxious attention to the Quaker, who still preserved his attitude of statue-like repose. **Thee needest not put thyself to any trouble, friend," was the quiet remark which A^minadab made to the Ethifepian attendant, who was officiously offering to solace the sodden limb with oil and other emollients. " Nothing do I require at thy hands, save and except a dry shoe and stocking.'* ^ Long and loud were the protests which this monster disregard of relief called forth, bnt Mr. Dry philosophi- f / m wm ^^ 11 i m A LEG DUEL. cally continued the process of dissolving tobacco into Tapour. " There is no necessity," he at length observed, " for saying anything more about the matter. The Leg 19 MADE OF Cork!" v« i T mi' ^■ ^-'t. •• ^ 'm /-:■ ♦ / ^ . - ^. -m *: WARMING A TOMB. r:^*^ *'.>:'" '/ \ ■'v... wmmimmi' lympp""^"' "■'•' ' iL-!ii|ni|^Jii«!wppwi " 4' '. % 1 ill I, -m^ H #• H MiPH'nHipiRpipimpppiMiinpiiWFinpippwvppnpw^ i/^.f' 'WARMING A TOMB. 177 WARMING A TOMB. About ten years prior to the commencement of the current century, the convivial us.^ges of Scotland had as- sumed a peculiarly aggravated and reckless character. Intoxication, so far at least as the upper classes were concerned, instead of being deemed a vice or even a blemish, was looked upon as ^ mark of aristocratic virili- ty and good fellowship. Almost any gentleman would as lief have been called a liar or a coward as a milk-sop ; and he who with the ripest impunity could put the great- est number of bottles " under his belt," was, de facto, regarded as "cock of the walk," and *prmce of good fellows." The dinner hour being early, at the period in question, it was no uncommon thing to witness well- dressed men staggering along the streets during broad H^fP(pqpqpp[p«iiilipppM M ■ •'mmmmmm '•"'m^^fi^ f* t I 178 WARMING A TOMB. day-light, in a state of mellow elevation. If such phe- nomena elicited any comment from passing critics, it was merely to the effect that Sir John this, or the Laird of that, had been at a party. As for the police or the ec- clesiastical authorities taking cognizance of such esca- ades, the thing was infinitely too preposterous even to dream of. So long ar the topers gave a wid«f» berth to murder or manslaughter, the propriety of their conduct never was railed in question. At the epoch under manipulation, Bacchus was no where more religiously worshipped than in Dumbarton- shire, in the "West, of Scotland. Indeed the bibulous prowess posLassed by the landowners of that district of North Britain, had long been matter >f proverbial noto- riety; and people used to talk of Dumbartonshire Lairds as types of everything that was con mendable and chiv- alrous, so far as unstinted devotion to the wine-cup was concerned. Tl eic dwelt at the time to which our narrative has referenv?c, in the vicinage of Kilpatrick, on the banks of the Clyde) a landowner named and designated Mungo Mills of Caldercruicks. The aforesaid village, it may be stated in passing, is famed as being the reputed birth- place of the Saint, to whose special tutelage Ireland is by popular voice consigned* "«w<«P"iPiinpiqip9i|P|H||Pn"ii WARMING A TOMB. 179 phe- it was drd of ;lie ec- L esca- ven to rth to onduct "'.'!i^"' WARMING A TOMB. ,^4J»». 185 During the grisly sederunt, Bankier had hardly ever abandoned his seat. He appeared to consider it a sol- emn religious obligation to imbibe the greatest possible amount of» liquor, and so absorbed was the zealot by this duty, that he seldom permitted himself to join in the secularity of conversation. Bacchus seemed peren- nially looming before his psychologic optic, and he palpably looked on every moment as lost which was not devoted to the worship of the humid myth. At the fag-end of the third day's session, one of the guests plucked his host emphatically by the sleeve and directed his attention to the appearance which Bonhill presented. " Caldercruicks ! " quoth he, in a tone of maudlin sol- emnity : " do you not think that Bankier is looking consumedly gash ? " Presuming that our reader has the misfortune not to be a Scotsman, we may explain, episodically, that "gash," and ultra-intelligence, are, as nearly as pos- sible, synonymous terms. Por a season Mungo Mills essayed to silence his interrogator By a series of winks, elbowings, punches in the side, and treadings upon the toes. A.t length, •wm-m^^m^tmrnm '^^^mmmmHm''^ f^ 186 WARMING A TOMB. when all these pantomimics failed to produce the desired effect, he exclaimed, in a" smothered whisper, — " Hold your tongue, sir ! Mahoun thank the crea- ture lor looking gash ! He has iDeen with his Maker for^ the better of two hours ! '* Such was the literal fact. In the midst of ** quip and ' crank," and jest and song, the hapless Laird of Bonhill had been noiselessly called to his last account. The catastrophe had been patent to the landlord alone, and he had not deemed the event sufficiently important to mar the conviviality of the conlave by its promulga- tion. iVI-ii immn I . ..l|iH||Pjli|( dred crea- ir for ) and The », and mt to Lulga- THE THIRSTY WITCHES Of FRASERBURGH. IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) ^ .^ % 4^ Jt y ^ Z 6 1.0 I.I ■JO ^^" HIHI ■^ lU 12.2 lio 12.0 liiSi im 1^ «V^ fliotographic Sciences Coiporalion 13 WIST MAIN STRUT WIUTIR.N.V. MSM (7U)t7J.4S03 iV ^ :*"-' ■ ' -s ■'-. mmmmmmmmm m ih ■ '■ cl ^' S H *-. "f ^ THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 189 V > V X- THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. ■, ^ Near the ancient town of Fraserburgh, in the North of Scotland, there flourished during the reign of James III. a landed proprietor called Neil Badenoch, more commonly styled Ardlaw, from the name of his estate. This worthy had only two failings calling for special mention. In the first place, his curiosity was so itching and un- satiable, that to learn a secret, however trifling and unimportant it might be, he was willing to run any risk, and put himself to the most signal inconvenience* Many a time, and oft did he regret that he had not become a priest, iu order that he might have been privileged to hear confessions. Nay, it was currently reported that he actually would have assumed the sacerdotal vows and «1)W mmm mmmm 190 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. ^ habit in his riper years, had an unlucky accident not intervened. 4 ' Passing through Fraserburgh one eyening, his atten- tion was arrested by certain wrathful sounds proceeding from the domicile of a tailor. Desirous to expiscate the cause of the " difficulty," he put his eye to the key-hole of the door, when he discovered the fabricator of raiment kneeling before his helpmate, who was administering to her lord de Jure, though not de facto, a curtain lecture, enforced at intervals with a practical application of the tongs. The outreness of the sight caused Neil to titter, and the snyder waxing cognizant of the risible sound became suddenl^r impregnated with courage, and starting up from his ignoble position made a stealthy inquisition into the matter. Suspecting shrewdly that the domestic treason had been viewed by some eaves-dropper, and all the windows of the establishment being closed, the indig- nant fraction jumped at once to a correct solution of the problem. Heating, accordingly, one of his longest and sharpest needles, he suddenly thrust it through the key- hole. A loud and bitter yell was. the upshot, and Ard- law rushed from the unlucky messuage with only one eye to guide his homeward steps. Thus mutilated, mother Church, aa a matter of course, would have nothing to say ■.n, ■t t- ,-"tf>-. THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 191 to the monops, and the eonfessional was closed against him, for ever and a day, as a listener. The second frailty which characterised our hero was one which, perchance, is not yet utterly extinct upon earth. Without heing what severe moralists would call a sot, Neil Badenoch never scrupled to own his decided prefer- ence for strong cordials, over the less exhilarating fluid which tradition indicates as the soher heverage of our primary ancestor. A stoup of generous and maturely aged wine, possessed attractions in his eyes, (or rather, we should say, his eye,) scarcely inferior in zest to a morsel of fresh gossip. He even went the length of selecting as his tutelar saint the mitre-adorned black- smith, Dunstan, because the image of that Baal- blistering tenant of the calendar resembled, in its rotund proportions, the artistic adumbrations of Bacchus. In the close vicinage of the bibulous and inquisitive Laird of Ardlaw, there resided an elderly dame, touching whom rumour had many mysterious things to whisper. It was said, inter aliOf that strange, unwholesome-looking customers frequented the mansion, and that lights had been seen burning in the apartments thereof, when all honest people ought to have been snoring in bed. This latter circumstance would not, perhaps, have been so ■ ff "^pp^' • IP 192 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. \ noteworthy, but for the fact that Lady Sproul (as she was " captioned") made a perennial boast of neyeir seeing company, or ■ either giving or receiving invitations to satumalian re-unions. Altogether there was something pestilently mouldy about her reputation; and matters were not bettered by the fact that she had not manifested herself at mass within the memory of "the oldest inhabitant." '^^^ ' .' -,. \t.. It can readily be imagined that honest Neil was con- tinually on thorns, to find out if there was anything more than common in the walk and conversation of the anoma- lous matron. For years he tried to gain admittance to her dwelling by various extemporized pretexts ; some- times calling to make inquisition regarding the health of his worthy neighbour, and at others seeking to get in at the back door, on the plea that he wanted to see the shape of the spit as a pattern. All in vain, however, were the dodges of the thirster after knowledge; the bow-legged blackamoor, who was the only servitor in the establishment, ever managing to render abortive his best laid schemes. Accident at length enabled the solely tantalized Neil, to quench to the uttermost the craving drought of hia curiosity. } she leeing ns to ithing atters fested oldest is con- y more moma- ince to some- jalth of et in at see the owever, 56 ; the r in the lis best BdNeil, of his THE THIRSTY "WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 193 «^ Being out after " elder's hours," on one mirk All- hallow Even, when there was neither moon nor star in the " lift," he noticed a nun^ber of persons, both male and female, stealing singly into the tenement which he BO sorely wished to explore. Each one was enveloped in a flowing green mantle, capacious enough to conceal the wearer from head to foot ; and the possession of this garment seemed to insure instant and unquestioned admission to all who were decored with the same. A bright thought struck the ingenious Badenoch. Posting home hot foot, he hunted up a cloak of cog- nate pattern and complexion to those draperies which appeared to win such favor in the Sproul establishment, erstwhile the property of his deceased grandmother. Wrapt up in this toga he sought the tabooed mansion^ knocked, and obtained ingress witho^it any interroga- tory, pertinent or impertinent, being propounded for his solution. • , ^ Pollowing a guest who had entered at the sa^e time as himself, thi^ venturous Laird ascended a steep turn- pike stair, and speedily stood in a large chamber, which was profusely replenished with company. , Such a "gousty" and weird-looking scene as there was presented to his ken, he never witnessed before or ' after. > ' r y :^ 194 TriB THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. ^ . Instead of candlesticks or cliandeliers, the walls were garnished with grinning skulls, containing blue col- ored lights, which cast a flickering and grewsome glare upon the gree|i> draped convocation. The only seat in the room was planted at the opposite extremity from the door, and occupied by the hostess. It was shaped like a bishop's throne, but in lieu of a mitre, the back thereof was garnished with a pair of truculent-looking horns, supported by bat-winged demons vice canonical angels. Lady Sproul, whose verdant mantle lay at her feet, rejoiced in a costume not quite in harmonious keeping with her sex. On her head was something between a turban and a helmet, adorned with the plumage of hawks, vultures, crows, and such like rapa- cious specimens of ornithology. The conventional gown was altogether dispensed with ; she wore a hunts- man's doublet, and a stout pair of leather unmention- ables usurped the place of the petticoat. Had Mrs. ' Bloomer been then a tenant of earth she would have hailed tho mysterious matron of Fraserburgh as a sister. 'W hilst Neil was in the middle of his observations, her ladyship called the synod to order by rapping upon the table with a human thigh bone, and presently her< negro chamberlain made his appearance, bearing upon his humped back a huge black cof&n. Having set ' .,^» ■ # • « ) f- THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 195 down this casquet of mortality, he proceeded to open the same, when it turned out to be filled with branches of broom, and bundles of white night-caps. These were duly distributed amongst the company, including Ardlaw, who, following the general example, tucked the broom under his arm and drew the cap upon his head. He marked that this latter item had an odour strongly suggestive of brimstone, but as there was a sulphur spring ia the neighborhood, he logically enough con- cluded that it had been last washed therein. Up to this act in the drama not a single word, good, bad, or indifferent had been spoken. When the above- mentioned arrangements, however, had been duly com- pleted, lady Sproul cleared her throat, and having as- sumed the cap and cloak, and grasped a silver-mounted broom-stick shaped like a crosier, proceeded to chant the following stave : - ** Wha would be drouthy on Hallowe'en, When wine is rife in London town! The Lord Mayor's cellar is stocked, I ween, i With claret red, and sherry brown. HocuspocusI Fee-fa-fumI Follow your leader up the lura ! " Suiting the action to the word, the vocalist, at the conclusion of this convivial canticle, bestiode her vege- m^^ummfif^lfimF' ,7 .11 196 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. * table charger, and exclaiming, " move along, my cripple ! *' vanished up the yawning chimney. '^ The example thus set was adopted without hesita- tion by the congregated throng, all of them joining in the chorus as they took wing. For a brief season Laird Ardlaw was somewhat tim- orous to ride in such a company, and over such an unusual viaduct as a sky macadamized with clouds. His two master passions, however, caused his dubita- tation to be but of short continuance. He was dying with curiosity to expiscate the issue of the adventure, and his constitutional thirst was aggravated almost to dementation by the inkling which he had received anent the convivial object of the novel expedition. Accord- ingly dealing his branch a smart blow, he sung out with might and main : " Hocus pocus 1 Fee-fa-fum 1 I follow my leader up the lum 1 " Often did Neil Badenoch say, that for the first ten minutes, or, perchance, quarter of an hour,. he had no defined or distinct apprehension of what he was doing* That he was progressing swiftly through the firmament, he could indeed tell, but the novelty of the situation, and the perilous height at which he was removed from \. mmm my THE THIRSTY "WITCHES OF FBASERBUR6H. 197 the earth, sorely conglomerated his wits. He felt as if laboring under the domination of a feverish dream, brought on by the vesper discussion of an extra pound, or so, of Scot's collops. As soon as he could fairly call himself lord of his senses, Ardlaw beheld the wizard troop tending southward like a regiment of wild geese. Lady Sproul keeping about a hundred yards in advance. She acted as their leader and pilot, and when any of the hinder- most of the procession, failing to descry her for a moment, inquired regarding the whereabouts of the dame, they were answered by those in front with some such rhyme as the annexed : " She is up in the air, On her bonnie green mare, And we see, and we see her yet 1 " Passing over the traditionary accounts of what Neil saw on his journey, we shall only state that in the course of only three hours, as closely as he could cal- culate, the deputation from Fraserburgh lighted safe and sound in the wine cellar of the Lord Mayor of London. • . ', It was, indeed, a goodly place for a substantial carouse. In dimensions it more resembled a cathedral, l2 ft ,'rV. 7 7 tmmimmf''^^ •^ 198 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OP FRASERBURGH. than the contracted coal-holes used by the degenerate topers of our milk and water times to hold their vin- tages. A solid oaken table occupied the centre of the hall, and stout settles of the same national timber wero plentifully dispersed in all directions. This account agrees with what antiquarians record touching the anti- Maine habits of the ancient Anglican aristocracy. "When these worthies wished to ** make a night of it,'* they frequently adjourned to the wine-teeming vanity in order that their tastes, rendered capricious by variety, might be the more promptly gratified. Mother Sproul was voted into the chair by acclama- tion, and at a wave of the thigh bone, which she still grasped, the guests denuded themselves of their caps and mantles. The latter they folded up to supplement the lack of cushions, and the former were carefully deposited in their pouches. When Neil beheld the faces of his companions, he was smitten speechless with overmastering astonish- ment. Instead of a clanjamphry of shabby, doited old women, he discovered some of the leading characters, both male and female, of his day and generation. There were barons, monks, medicos, and lawyers, the latter class greatly preponderating. To give variety to the THC THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 199 old bers. olio, some of the prettiest damsels in " broad Scotland," many of them of no mean degree, were interspersed, like violets between cabbages and kail. Altogether a more goodly turn out could not have been witnessec^y even in Holyrood House itself. As a proof that the Laird was not drawing upon fancy at this part of his recital, we have the testimony of the criminal annals of North Britain, that many fair, and titled, and learned personages were ^* done to death " at the stake for esca- pades corresponding to the one under narration. That wine prevailed in abundance was evident from the sumless ranges of casks which stood around, but nothing in the shape of flagons or drinking cups could be disco- vered. This hiatus, however, was speedily supplied. The aforesaid Ethiopian, who, we may state, was rigged out in a kilt and top boots, drew from his spleuchan several handfulls of cockle shells, which he distributed to the thirsty throng. When this was done, a jolly visaged personage who ofliciated as croupier, and in whom Badenoch became aware of his Right Reverend neighbour, the Abbot of Deer, repeated a pater noster backwards, and presto ! the shells were translated into *' quaichs,'* their only peculiarity being that they were shaped like hoofs. ; va J. #^ 200 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. The wassail then commeiiced in right good earnest, and of a surety the quantity of stimulants discussed, would have terrified a modern Rechabite out of a year'p growth. " Our monarch down below," was the first toast, a sentiment which our hero being an orthodox "Catholic " would fain have shirked doing honour to, had not the chairwoman, who refused to tolerate "heel tops," insist- ed upon the revellers turning their "hoofs" upside down, before joining in the hip, hip, hurrah." Now it so chanced that Ardlaw's cup wis charged with malvoisie of a peculiarly generous brand, and as he could not bring himself to spil^ the " mercies " upon the floor, he e'en drained the same to the health of the above mentioned more than questionable personage. * V^ For a season Neil, who felt sheepishly conscious that he was an intruder, kept himself as quiet and as much concealed as possible. As the night waxed old, however, the wine which he was copiously imbibing dispelled at once his bashfulness and prudence, and -excited by the ripe charms of a debonair damsel who sat beside him, he clasped her around the waist, and inflicted upon her an emphatic kiss, which might have been heard at the Tower. Qiilok as lightning lady Sproul, who was a perfect model of propriety and " deportment," started to her . \ THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBVUGH. 201 feet, and recognizing the delinquent} exclaimed in a red hot rage : " By our master's tail, I swear, That prying dyvor Neil is here I Such a pest was nerer seen 1 We'll finish our ploy in Aberdeea Hocus pocus 1 Fee-fa-fum, Follow your leader up the lum t " Hardl) had the last words of this anthem been intoned, than the cellar became dark as midnight, and silent as the grave. Badenoch was the only inhabitant of the place. Confused and alarmed he tried to find his magical head-gear, but all in vain. Our toper had deposited it in an almost bottomless pocket, containing a miscellany of articles so numerous that the recapitulation thereof would have exhausted a folio skin of vellum. After much fumbling, consequently, he was necessitated to give up the attempt in despair. The strong drink which he had quaifed, rendered his hand too unsteady effectively to pursue the search. Muttering a malediction upon all witches, from the hag of Endor, downwards, he accord- ingly resigned himself to his destiny, and in a few minutes he was slumbering upon the paved floor, as pro*. ^tf V i / 202 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. foundly as if he had been pressing his own feather bed at Ardlaw. i On regaining possession of his seven senses the ill- starred Neil found himself a manacled captive, in the awful presence of the civic potentate of whose hospi- tality he had been so illegitimately a partaker. The butler, in going down to the vinous vault at daybreak, to draw a measure of canary for his satrap's matin meal, had discovered the somnulent native of the north, and procuring the aid of a couple of wardens had him transported, all unconscious of his capture, to the audience chamber of the plundered official. The examination was a brief one. Having been caught, so to speak, in the very act, Neil, according to the summary procedure of 'hose unsophisticated times, received sentence of strangulation on the spot, and being stripped of his velvet doublet and silken hose, was con- signed to the solitude of the condemned " hold." At first he thought of confessing how matters had actually occurred, but on second consideration resolved to keep his thumb on the real facts of the case. When sober, Badenoch was by no means devoid of common sense, and he sagaciously argued that as a burglar he could only have his neck twisted, whilst as a warlock, faggots and a tar barrel would be his inevitable doom. Of THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 203 two evils, he accordingly elected the least, and, to employ the vernacular of John Highlandman, " kept her wheesht to her mother's son's nainsel' ! ** Only one attempt he made to escape a felon's exit from this mundane stage. Having obtained a second audience of the Mayor, he represented that he was a Scottish landed gentleman, who by a mere frolic had been led into the scrape for which he was appointed to suffer. His lordship, who had some glimmerings of justice and humanity, wrote to Fraserburgh to ascertain what credit could be reposed in this statement, and the response which he received sealed most effectually the fate of the offender. Scores of wit- nesses made deposition that on the Hallowe'en referred to, Badenoch had been seen in the streets of his native town, and consequently that the person who had been caught in the Mayor's cellar on the ensuing morning, could by no possibility be the same individual. As the certificate which set forth this fact was countersigned by the Abbot of Deer and Lady Sproul, who were peculiarly officious to render their testimony, the case was consider- ed to be clear beyond the ghost of a doubt, and nn early day was fixed for Neil's excursion to Tyburn tree. On the morning of his "justification," the poor laird, dressed in the garments which had been taken from him -, K 204 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. f at his trial, was placed in a enrt, and conveyed to the scene of his final suiferings. ' It was ono of those gladsome and winning days which make a man quite in love with earth, more especially if he is called upon to quit it in an ahrupt and unvimely manner. Sitting upon the hottom of the ignohle chariot which was hearing him to the gallows, Neil mused with swelling heart and moistened eye upon the well remembered hanks and braes of fair Fraser- burgh, and a quantity of broom twigs upon which he reclined, tended to bring more vividly to his recollec- tion the beloved sylvan haunts he was destined never more to witness. Abstractedly he began " crooning " the ancient bal- lad : " Oh the broom 1 the bonuic, bonnie broom 1 " when all of a sudden a new born thought flashed upon his mind, causing his visage to brighten like the sun at the withdrawing of an envious curtain of mist. So marked was the change in our hero's demeanour, that his confessor half opined that h*e had made up his mind to leave something handsome to the Church for the benefit of his soul, and actually prepared his writing materials in order to make out the requisite document. '*«'^4»'tV bal- THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 205 £adenoch, however, said never a word, but continued to hum at intervals, " Oh the broom 1 the bonnie, bonnie broom 1 " As this was taken to be some Caledonian h3'mn, the hangman, who was a serious man, became highly capti- vated with his patient, and resolved to allow him every reasonable indulgence at the closing scene of the tragedy. Arrived at Tybnm, Ardlaw, according to use and wont, delivered his "last speech and dying words," which was universally admitted by the best judges to be a very superior and edifying composition. He declared that " company, villanous company had been his ruin,'* and charged his auditors to avoid *' nutting an enemy in their mouths to steal away their brains." The oration was long remembered, and Mr. William Shakespeare, a cleverish man, though a poacher, after- wards incorporated sundry of its expressions in some dramas which he wrote. "v ^x Jack Ketch now prepared to bind the hands of the malefactor, previous to which operation Neil announced that he had a special boon to crave. He stated that, being a man of regular habits, he never could sleep comfortably except in a particular night-cap, and, by the rule of three, had no prospect of making a comfort- H <\ * S '■I •• 11. 206 THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. able end, unless his face was covered with that identical cowl. Though the request was somewhat singular, the finisher of the law took it upon his own responsibility to implement the same, and Badenoch, after anxiously exploring the voluminous pouch of his doublet, lighted joyfully upon the desiderated article which he had obtained from the sable servitor of Lady Sproul. Without a second's delay he drew it firmly on his sconce, and grasping the stoutest branch of broom which he could select, exclaimed) in an exulting tone, that he was now ready for the long trip ! Just as Mr. Ketch was removin'j his ruff in order scientifically to adjust the halter, Neil placed the branch between his legs, and sung out, with all the energy of a town erier, " Hocus pocu8 ! Fee-fa-fum 1 Catch me who can, I am off for home ! " Need we tell the result? The Laird shot up into the air like a sky rocket ; and to his dying day he used frequently to laugh till his sides were sore, at the re- membrance of the idiotical looks of wonder with which hangman, sheriff, confessor, and "the million" gazed after him as he disappeared in a northerly direction ! THE THIRSTV WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. 207 One of the first things which Badenoch did when he found himself at his altar and fireside once morci was to reveal to his spiritual director the transaction in which he had been concerned. That personage strongly enjoined his penitent to lay the whole case before the public authorities, an advice Which the priest gave the more readily that he had an ancient grudge against the unorthodox Abbot, and looked forward to being his successor in office. Neil, accordingly, made a clean breast to the sheriff of the county, who lost no time in paying his respects to lady Sproul, her ebony-com- plexioned henchman, and the head of the Abbey of Deer. After a fair and impartial trial, during the cur- rency of which the accused had every justice rendered them in the application of thumb-screws, heated pincers, and other legal formularies, they fully confessed their guilt to save further trouble, and were comfortably burned, to the marginle^d edification of the lieges of Fraserburgh. Point blank, however, did the Laird of Ardlaw refuse to tell the name of the maiden whose lips he had so vigorously saluted in the Lord Mayor's wine repertory. The truth, between ourselves, was, that the virgin, besides being of a comely person, was a well endowed heiress, and Neil deemed that she might be put to a *■: • ■h mm 20S THE THIRSTY WITCHES OF FRASERBURGH. better use than being grilled like a chop or red herring. Accordingly he popped the question to her in due form, and though she had thrice before dismissed him with a peremptory ** nay,'* it was " Hobson*s choice ** with the minx this bout. The shackles of matrimony were rivetted on the pair by the new Abbot of Deer, and some hundreds of fruitful acres became annexed to the Aralaw estate through the operation. ^ s: « ■■ tf :.>., V,-vV M>^:..: ■yl -;^i^^m:^im^^^:^.^ a--"f i'.}.-' *■ * # '"'^ WHAT HAPPENED AT THB YORK ASSIZES. M :J.'>-'-^Vwi:/.f •vf /.4 :ir^< ;^?S- fi*' ■'<>««:»: «! «•> VrnAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. 211 IP- a '-*-■!■ :#' WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. ** A Daniel come to judgment 1 yea. a Daniel !" Merchant of Venice, ^ . ',; :. ■ . - , . t It was on a genial autumnal morning, the precise ^och of which we cannot indicate, seeing that, like the respected ghost of Hamlet* s father, we keep hut an indifferent " note of time," that their honours the judges entered the fair city of York, for the philanthropic pur- pose of thinning the jail, and obligingly settling disputes between contending neighbours. Leaying the procession to find its way to the "castle," half smothered with dust, and wholly deafened by the music, so called, dispensed by a brace of broken-winded trumpeters, let us conduct the reader to the hall of jus- tice, and make him acquainted with the personages more mm mmmmmm mmm '-m.. f 212 WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES.' f immediately interested in the investigation about to be made. - .> On yonder bench, immediately beneath the oriel window, you may observe a sightly young couple, attired in the sombre-hued raiment which indicates the recent decease of a near relative or beloved friend. * Their names (we copy from the record of the cause) are Hubert Howard, gentleman, and Maude Howard, spinster, bearing the relationship of cousius-german ; and aged, Hubert aforesaid, twenty-one years, and the said Maude eighteen summers or thereby, be the same more or less. It does not do to be overly specific when condescending upon the age either of a lady or of a donated horse. .- We must proceed a little faster, however, with our preliminary explanation, else the Court will be constituted ere we have said our say. The Howards were orphans about as little burdened with mammon as a mendicant who has newly commenced his peripatetic trade, and their whole dependence for the future lay upon a maiden aunt. Miss Griselda De Co- verly, whose bank account was more attractive than her personal charms. Her only surviving kindred were the couple above mentioned, and she had ever led them to believe that when she had " hopped this mortal twig/' Plil ( . • i. WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. 213 ■■■r- as one William Shakespeare says, or at least might have said, their names would occupy a fructifying position in a certain interesting document \yhich need not he more particularly referred to. So the lovers, for lovers they were as well as cousins, continued to dwell with the chaste Griselda, having no anxious thought ahout anything, save the speedy advent of the day when a plain gold ring would perform certain evolutions in the Minster of York Ahout a twelvemonth preceding the period anent which we are now treating, it so chanced that the excel- lent De Coverly had a grievous falling out with one the canons of the cathedral, who for half a century had heen one of her choicest hosom friends. The hone ol contention was' too microscopic for the muse of history to take the trouble of picking up. We may simply hint that it hinged upon the expediency or non-expediency of trumping a certain card in a contest at whist. Tri- fling, however, as was the seed of the feud, its fruit was y of calamitous magnitude, inasmuch as the direfully ^ offended Griselda, from being an out-and-out supporter . of church and state, became from that hour translated into a zealous advocate of " the rights of man." The peccant canon was Tory to the backbone, and consequently his fair advenary was determined to pitch her tent at aa t f mp 214 WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. great a distance from his as circumstances would permit. From thenceforth she avowed her cordial sympathy with the angelic cut-throats of beautiful France, and sported a brooch fashioned after the similitude of that ingenious machine which advanced the cause of universal brother- hood by chopping off the climaxes of its opponents. At this juncture the leading " friend of the people " in York, was Mr. Jeremiah Iscariot Scrowdger, the very peculiar looking gent who is sitting opposite you, a little to the left of the jury box. We opine you will acree with us, honest reader, that nature has turned out more sightly productions from her workshop. The fact of Jeremiah's hair being of a vivid red, admits but of slender argumentation. The ground for debate as to whether he " looks two ways for Sunday,'* as the vulgar describe an optical tortuosity, is quite as limited. And that his nose comes to be ranked under the category of *' snub" may safely be asserted with the confidence of an axiom. Tf. leaving the outer man, we extend our researches to the inner, the harmony of the picture will stand little risk of being marred. Ungainly was Scrowdger in mind as in body, — and, if all tales be true, (as who doubts that they are ?) took on every occasion a special and aflfec- tionate care of the mystical "number one," — ^nevcr PB« it WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. 215 standing on ceremony, or fossil scruples of conscience i;ehen the aggrandizement of that beloved numeral was concerned. To hasten on with our story, (as we fancy we hear the intonations of the forensic clarions,) Miss De Coverly, ere long, was as intimate with Mr. Jeremiah, as spreadeu butter is with the bread to which it is wedded. She made a point, rheumatism and 'the elements permitting, of attending, pilgrim-like, at the various shrines where he held forth on the enormities of crown-capped des- potism ; and her name unfailingly appeared at the top of all the subscription papers which the benevolent Scrowdger originated, in aid of current schemes for the upweeding of thrones, and giving everything to every- body. A termination, however, was speedily to be put to the transccDdcntal Griselda's charitable career. Going out one moist evening to attend a prelection of her favourite, commendatory of the strike of the journeymen tailors of the Cannibal Islands against their aristocratic employers, the damp seized upon her feet, and progressing from feet to chest fairly "floored" her, to employ Homer's finggestive expression. She took to her couch, from vhich she was never destined to rise till eufoldfid in )■' «■; 4. y I I* 216 WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. the mercenary embrace of Hercules Hatchment the undertaker. Well and kindly did the orphan cousins minister to the requirements of their expiring aunt. Everything that warm, though inexperienced affection could suggest, was performed on their part to smooth and cheer her fast fleeting moments, but all in vain. Ere a fortnight had elapsed, the **weU-plumed hearse'* conveyed the mortal balance of Griselda to the tomb of all the De Coverlys, where a ponderous tablet surmounted by an obese cherub, discoursed as if all virtue and goodness had absconded from our planet at her decease. Before this we should have recorded, that during the confinement of the mature maiden, Mr. Scrowdger was ultra-officious in his devoirs ; and often did he implore the much-wearied Howards to glean a brief repose, whilst he kept watch and ward beside their departing patroness. His devotion, indeed, was beyond all praise, being so perfectly pure and disinterested. This latter fact — of the^good man's disinterestedness, to wit — was substantiated beyond the shadow of a cavil, when the last will and testament of the lamented defunct came to be read. That document, so interesting amidst all its prosaic repetitions, after bequeathing one hundred pounds to each of the aforenamed Hubert and Maude the "WHAT HAt>PENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. 217 Howard, directed that the residue of her means and estate should be paid over to her much esteemed and dearly-beloved friend Jeremiah Iscariot Scrowdger, to be by him disbursed as his judgment might dictate, in aid of suffering insurgents all the wide world over. Now, though no one expressed more utter amazement at this upshot than did the self-denying Scrowdger, such is the ingrained depravity of human nature that there were not lacking many who unblushingly affirmed that theie was more in the affair than met the eye. Certain un- bridled tongues were even found who hesitated not to affirm that the will would not stand the ordeal of a jury. It was paraded by these Philistines in proof of their averments, that the document was prepared, not by the wonted solicitor of the departed, but by Flaw O'Fox, a Hibernian tool of the maligned legatee. Nay more, Timothy Text, a short-sighted writing master, professed himself ready to depone upon oath, that the leading signature attached to the instrument was the autograph of the hermit in the moon, or the wandering Jew, or any one in short except that of the never-enough-to-bc- mourned Griselda De Coverlv. . , Fortified by these opinions and conjectures, a com- mittee was speedily organized for the purpose of testing M 2 .•--.; J. ■•! -, . : ■ .i V 218 WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. \ the validity of the will, for the benefit and behoof of the parentless heirs at law. , ,, ^^ Thus, most debonair reader, we have indoctrinated you with the leading features of the case, which, on a winning autumnal morning, was to exercise the acumen of twelve good men and true, hailing from the ancient county of York. Mv The court was constituted in due and orthodox form. That is to pay, the judges had gigantic bouquets of flowers placed before each of them. The pursy, pletho- ric high biieriff disposed his official cushion, so that he could slumber in peace, and dream serenely of the next coursing match. The trumpeters adjourned to the Goat- and-Compasses in order to damp their over-dried clay. The usher prepared to impress restless clod-hop [)ers with a due sense of the dignity of the " bed of justice," by dealing raps upon their sconces. And a dozen incorrup- tible tailors, brewers, and general hucksters, were sworn to do justice in the cause about to be tried. ■ Hopelessly did the opening counsel for the plaintiffs throw into the shade the classi}c reputation of Demos- thenes and Cicero, by his prologue. It would have roused the indignant sensibilities of the mummy of an Egyptian stoic to have listened to his denunciations of snakes in the herbage, and wolves in the garmenture of -hcalled testament executed ? " ** It was," whined out the unctuous Flaw, " in the gra» cious month of July, and a sweet and balmy day it was ! Hum-hum-ho-hum ! '* " And what hour was it,** questioned Broom, " when the deceased lady subscribed her name to the deed ? '* Two o'clock in the afternoon. i\ >,•>*■. I; mmm 222 VTHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. by vartue of my sacred oath," responded O'Fox, looking upwards as if appealing to an angel, or tracking the pere- grinations of a spider athwart the ceiling of the Court- house. "Then, of course," continued the inquisitor, " then there was no fire in the sick-chamber at the time?" ** Certainly not!" quoth Flaw, "the day was too warm for such a thing ; besides the dear blessed sufferer was a trifle faverish, and required to be kept as cool as pos- sible." < > «- "Where then" demanded the younger son of Themis, " did you procure % light, wherewith to melt the wax on which Miss De Coyerly impressed this seal, opposite to her signature ?" Without a moment's hesitation, O'Fox replied, **I myself went to the kitchen, procured a burning candle, and brought it to the sick bed." You swear this, do you?" Most solemnly I swear it ! I remember more dis« tinctly my doing so, than I do anything else about the transaction ; and also of giving the lady her seal, and handing her the wax on which she made the impression. Do you want to know anything more ?" "No sirj" cried Broom, while a flash of exquisite triumph illumined his little gray eye. " That will do I You have said enough for yourself and all of us. My tc tt WHAT HAPPENED AT THE YORK ASSIZES. 223 Lord, and gentlemen of the jury," he exclaimed with a sort of hysterical shriek, fluttering at the same time the will hefore them in jubilant tremulousness, " mark well ! There is not a particle of wax on the deed ! The seal is imprinted upon a Wafer I" ^p ^^ ^fi ^p ^p ^p A fortnight posterior to the events we have been reciting, Hubert placed an unadorned circle of gold upon the fourth finger of cousin Maude^sleft hand, in presence of their deceased aunt's ancient gossip, the canon. On leaving the cathedral, (where this trausfer of pre- cious metal, took place) the happy couple were somewhat obstructed in their homeward progress. The obstacle was an excited synod of the hoi jpolloi, who were giving vent to their feelings by pelting with eggs, not laid yes- terday, Messrs. Jeremiah Iscariot Scrowdger and Flaw O'Fox. These virtuous individuals stood contemplating their assailants through a couple of timber fraOMk which constrained them to receive without flinching the some- what stale compliments poured upon them. ^•1'> ':-■■■ m >.< 04 -it H; J. i t -^ * ^ ,1 a-. *. ^ *ji 'M, ■»»i»'* l|^' X •*. \ " SKETCHES. ■h ix» ■: Ki^ W- '■'[ J^ K wm. I :^ii^^^/,- ■■)<»;f.^*!;ii;. "-\ ■ ■■*r '}i4^M,& ^^ i A\ TOUCHING TAILORS. 227 .^.^■^i ■ h TOUCHING TAILORS. Incontinently do we wish that some erudite anti- quarian would apply himself to the task of expiscating the cause, why tailors have from time immemorial ieen amenahle to the sardonic ridicule of the million. The text is a curious one, and our marvel is great that in an age of restless and poking research, like the present, it has not been thoroughly tackled and investigated ere now. . ^ Not presumptuous enough are we to imagine for a moment that we are capable of rightly manipulating the theme above condescended upon. In hopes, however, that some fitting historian of snyderism will soon become developed, we shall proceed to jot down a few bits and scraps bearing upon the subject, which we have raked y> 228 TOUCHING. T4ILORS. together, and which may he of use to the foresaid anna- list when he maketh his much longed for appearance. The erudite Quevcdo, in his racy and most suggestive ** Visions" — a work which the capricious world has un- accountably laid upoa the shelf — makes divers allusions to the s;arment-producing tribe. These are of a com- plexion which demonstrates that the knights of the needle were held in but sorry esteem by the Spaniards, prior to the seventeenth century. We are informed, inter aliuy by the witty Don, that when wandering in one of his trances, between Olympus and Tartarus, he fell in with a vftst troop of disembodied snyders on their road to the first indicated locality. Being inexorably denied admittance by Jove's viarder, the band had no option but to trudge to the more gloomy domains of Pluto. In vain, however, did they knock at the adamantine gate of Pandemonium. Cer- berus admonished the applicants to make off in double quick time, intimating that the Inferno was already glutted with tailors, and eould not by any possibility accommodate more. On another occasion, Quevedo meets with a demon having a "marvellously crooked back." Questioning the imp touching the cause of his j)hysical flaw, the author is informed that the dorsal deformity had been TOUCHING TAILORS. 229 occasioned by "the preposterous burdens of doublet- stitchers," which he (the demon) had been constrained to carry from earth to the realm of Baal Nebo. Coming from Spain to England, we find the confra- ternity enjoying there a cognately left-handed reputa- tion. A writer who flourished in the reign of Charles II., after dwelling upon *' the lack of virility manifested so generally by the fashioners of male raiment," thus goes on to observe: — "'Tis the opinion of our curious vir- tuosos that this paucity of courage ariseth from their immoderate eating of cucumbers, which too much re- frigerateth their blood." The same last cited sage winds up his dissertion after the annexed tenor : — " However, to their (the tailors) eternal honor, be it spoke, that they have been ' often known to encounter c sort of cannibals, to whose assaults they are perennially subject, not fictitious, but real man- eaters, and that with a lance but two inches long : nay, and although they go armed no further than their middle finger." We have become cognizant of two legends, explana- tory of the popular adar8 have officiated, or at least heen recognized, as the patrons of "the gentle craft." According to that veracious chronicler Alhan Butler, the personages in qncstion came from Rome, ahout the middle of the third century, to preach at Soissons in France. Having no fortune, though nohly horn, they supported themselves hy making shoes during the night. After converting many of the heathen, the brothers (for such was their relationship,) fell under the ban of Rictius Varus, a most rabid enemy of the Christians, who had been appointed Governor by the Emperor Max- N 2 mimifm'iim'mmmi^m 234 CONCERNING CORDW4INERS. imian Herculeus. By this ethnic skunk they were put to death hy the sword, on the 25th of October, 287. Up to a very recent period — (if, indeed, the usage does not still exist) — the cordwainers of the United Kingdom dedicated flowing libations on the day above mentioned, in honor of their cherished Saints. Many of our North British friends must remember a popular rhyme, which thus ran : • *' '« On the 25th of October, There's no' a souter sober." •So late ago as thirty years, likewise, it was customery for the ** foot-clothing" fraternity to hold occasional "coronations" of Crispin, though how they came to associate his Saintship with royalty, is more than we can discover. The last of these solemnities, enacted at Glasgow, was a very magnificent affair, as wc are certiorated by one who was witness of the same. Knights, heralds, arch- bisliops, Tiifks, and ermined judges swelled the train of the peg-driving monarch. A troop of circus-men, who with their steeds were specially Retained for the occasion, played the parts of cavaliers in the pageant, which ex- tended for upwards of a mile. T Our lamented friend William Motherwell, informed us that on the morning of the " parade" above referred to, CONCERNING CORDWAINERS. 235 he heard one "souter's" spouse thus address another in the Salt-market:—**/ ««y, Maggy y can you lend oor Tarn a clean sar/c, as he is to be a Lord this day /" In Brussels there prevailed a bitter feud between the shoemakers and the cobblers, the former regarding the latter with contempt, and striving on all occasions to elbow them into the gutter as an inferior and contempti- ble race. This treatment the renovaters of decayed shoes had no means of adequately resenting, seeing that their rivals were protected by charters and imperial edicts, which conferred upon them sweeping and exclu-? sive privileges. The Emperor Charles V., was in the habit (like the Commander of the Faithful,) of going about incog, for the purpose of learning the sentiments and feelings of the million. . One night when thus cruising through Brussels, Char- les discovered that his boot required immediate repair, and sought out the emporium of a cobbler for the purpose of getting the needful done., Aj ill-luck would have it, however, it happened to be St. Crispin's anniversary, and the artizan, whose name was Ridicaci Garasse, refused point blank to manipulate bristle or wax on such an occasion. " Was it Charles himself" — exclaimed he — " I'd not work a stitch for him 236 CONCERNING CORDWAINERS. now ; but if you'll cor"» in and drain a cup in honor of Crispin, do so and welcome. We are as merry as the Emperor can be !" Thus invited, Carolus entered the i-onvivial cell, where he found a synod of thirsty souls striving illogically to extinguish the sparks which glowed in their throats, with draughts of the fluid which had ignited the same. " Fill a bumper, stranger" — cried Ridicaci — " to the health of Charles the Fifth !" "Then you love Charles?" — observed the incog po- tentate. "Love him!" — responded the son of Crispin — "ay, ay, I love his long-noseship well enough ; but I would like him much better would he tax us a fraction less !" After a short stay, the Emperor departetl, and next forenoon his host was summoned to court. Great was the poor cobbler's consternation when in the mighty sove- reign he ret agnized the guest of the preceding evening. Fully did he calculate that his profane reference to the dimensions of the royal proboscis would be visited with an instant and terrible death. More genial, however, was the fate reserved for Ridi- caci Garasse. The Emperor, instead of consigning him to the headsn»an, thanked him for his hospitality, and bade him ask for what he most desired. CONCERNING CORDWAINER8. 237 Now the knight of the awl had nothing so deeply at heart as the honor of his calling, and accordingly he petitioned that the cobblers • of Flanders might be per- mitted to bear for their arms a boot with the imperial crown upon it. Promptly was the request granted, and as it was so moderate, Charles licensed him to proifer another. ** If" — cried Garasse — " I am to have my utmost wishes gratified, command that for the future the com- pany of coblers, shall take precedence of the company of shoemakers." It was accordingly so ordained, then and there ; and to this very day there is to be seen a chapel in BrusseiS adorned" with a boot and crown ; and in all processions, the "guild" of the cobblers, precedes that of their humbled rivals. There has been preserved by that " fine, fat, fodgel wight," Captain Grose, the fragment of a canticle sup- posed to be intoned by Crispin and Crispinian, when en- gaged in the cutting and stitching of leather. With one of the stanzas of this lyric, we taper off our prelection : •• Our shoes were sewed with merry notes, And by our mirth expelled all moan ; Like nightingales, from whose sweet throats Most pleasant tunes are niglitly blown : The Gentle Craft is fittest ihen For pour distrcssod gentlemen !" m '■mm mmmm wmmmm AMATEUR HISTRIONICS. 239 AMATEUR HISTRIONICS. \\ \t known the old man again ?'\ n • ■} m * 245 AMATEUR HISTIONICS. V> Let " young Canada " be warned by this lurid beacon, to steer clear of the shoals and quicksands which it indicates. V THE SCARLET VEST : A STORY OF THE FRENCH REVOLUTION. Ii it. % ' .if i'r '■ I .. J. \il '•v.;^ . *;¥t^ •^ W - .'; THE SCARLET VEST. 249 // ■ THE SCAELET VEST. Eugene Labelle was a native of Picardy, and about the commencement of the primary French revolution was just ripening into manhood. His father was a husbandman and laboured a farm, which, though of small extent, was sufficient to satisfy his wants and aspirations. Being of a pious disposition he kept himself studiously aloof from the flatulent the- orists who then agitated the land, and who strove to hurl the cross from its pedestal, and to erect on its ruins the brazen image of the strumpet goddetts of reason. The family of Labelle, the elder, was composed of Eugene, and an orphan cousin of the latter named Marie Dorion. Very comely were the externalities of the maiden, and of cognate pulchritude were her moral ftttributes. ♦ . . ^(•',i f ip 260 THE SCARLET VEST. /, Gentle, good -humoured, witty, and impulsive, it is nothing strange that she captivated the heart of her youthful relative. After the wonted curriculum of moon-light promenades, vows were exchanged between the parties, and Labelle pere having given his consent, it was arranged that the cur6 should complete the tran- saction as soon as Eugene had attained the status of majority. Marie Dorion possessed another admirer in the person of a contiguous agriculturalist called Brodeur Cauchon. Most fitly did the surname of this personage adumbrate bis appearance and proclivities. Stunted and gross in person, exhibiting a projecting upper lip, teeth which remained patent after the mouth was closed, and posess- ed of a cranial thatch which might be more appositely termed bristles than hair, he constituted an ungainly porcine libel upon the " human form divine." When to all this is added the fact, tliat his tastes were sensual, and his temper cruel, treacherous, and revengeful, that man would be consumedly unreasonable who questioned his right to the designation of a "little pig." » . r It is hardly necessary to say" that the fair Marie lent no favourable ear to the suit of this bipedal variety of the sus tribe. In fact, with all her amiability of nature she could not conceal her repugnance to his person ; and ■?l^ THE SCARLET VEST. 251 obtuse as Brodeur was he failed not to mark that the maiden's eye fell with aversion at his advent, and re- covered its animation when he took his departure. As an ahnost necessary , equence, this state of matters filled Cauchon with rage, both against Marie and her accepted lover. The former he thirsted to possess, if only for the purpose of making her miserable, and the latter he could have torn piece-meal with {ill the appetite and gusto of a famished hyena. > ' There was one object which always had the eflfec*. of aggravating to boiling heat the worst passions of hia ulcerated nature. That was a scarlet vest, embroidered by the fair Dorion's own hands, and presented by her to Eugene on one of the anniversaries of his birth. The sight of this garment had the same effect upon Cauchon that a red rag has upon a wayward bull. It reminded him of the success of his abominated rival, and so lash- ed him into paroxysms of temporary insanity. He could with equal compo. . « f He brought with him from the Province a reputation fqi| "patriotism," which secured him the favour and coiintenance of the monsters who, for her million trans^ gressions, then ruled the destinies of most miserable France. By these ogres, Brodeur was appointed to a responsible situation in the prison of the Conciergerie,, his function being that of lieutenant or deputy-in-chief to the head jailer. >, ii This was a sphere which ripely harmonized with the tastes and inclinations of the wretch. In taunting and domineering over the hosts of noble and virtuous victims which constantly replenished that dismal structure, he experienced a never-ending saturnalia of delight ; and he tasked his invention to add poignancy to his own gratification by enhancing their suflFerings. Amongst other ingenious devices, he constructed a model of the guillotine, which he exhibited in his jocular moods to the o2 'V 254 THS SCARLET VEST. parties who were destined to fall by that insttfunent of death, explaining to them its mechanism, and dwelling upon the artistic manner in which its mission was per- formed. Now-a-days this may seem an exaggeration of cruelty passing belief, but such episodes were far from being uncommon during the golden reign of " liberty " and "universal brotherhood.'* ,_ "* No small per centage of his spare time Cauehon d^- * voted to searching for the whereabouts of Eugene Labelle. Though fruitless for a long season his exertili>ns Were at length crowned with success, and that in a man- ner somewhat unexpected. '* The young man had found employment in the estab. ishment of a blacksmith, having some knowledge of that craft, and was thus enabled to support himself, and con- tribute to the comfort of Marie, who pursued the some- what uncertain calling of a sempstress. , ,^-. ' One day Eugene was deputed by his master to repair a lock in the Conciergerie, and whilst thus employed, Brodeur suddenly came upoft him. With a yell of min- gled 1 atred and triumph, the ^discoverer clutched his prey, and ere many seconds had elapsed poor Labelle was a tenant of the cell upon the door whereof he had just been operating. > i^^ "**j K^ THE SCARLET VEST. 255 ,,>:■ * An easy process it then was to trump up criminating matter against an obnoxious individual. It is a well known fact, that a large proportion of the unfortunates whose blood soiled France at the close of the last century, were condemned on grounds frivolous enough to provoKe a smile, if smiles could in any way be associated with murder. The discovery of a crucifix upon the person of Eugene, coupled with Cauchon's testimony that its owner was an enemy to the republic, were deemed ample grounds for conviction, and the hapless lad was doomed to follow the gory path which so many illustrious spirits hajd trodden before him. , On the day preceding the one fixed for his execution, or rather, we should say, his assassination, the heart- stricken Marie Dorion was admitted, to take a last fare- well of the " beloved of her eyes." Tearful and sad was the communing of the lovers, and yet they sorrowed not as those whose hopes are bounded by this vale of grief. The faith which they had preserved pure and intact amidst the prevailing floods of infidelity, enabled them to realize the glorious celestial monarchy, which can never be vexed by the '* madness of the people ;*' and they spoke of their re-union in that nightless region as a matter of certainty. ^ \ . / ■-^4: ppwwpnn i*Hin>ni^iPfim«nn««i^Hipipi 256 THE SCARLET VEST. Just as she was about to depart, the last kiss having been imprinted, and the last embrace exchanged, Marie unfolded a small parcel, and took from thence an article which caused the eyes of Labelle to wax dim with fresh moisture. It was the well-remembered scarlet vest! That simple garment had been associated with their happiest and most sunny days, and the sobbing girl re- quested that it might be worn by her lover at the closing scene. Cloddish and gross must be the philosophy . which would sneer at that wish as being frivolous or childish. In the hour of sharp and desolating woe, even a withered leaf, plucked when life's sky was blue and sunny, becomes invested with a sustaining magic, strong beyond the faculty of words to express. • As a matter of course, the boon craved by Marie was at once granted, and the twain tore themselves asunder, never more expecting to meet on this side of eternity. Upwards of twenty follow sufferers were appointed to accompany Eugene Labelle to the scaffold on the coming morning, and as the hour of* slaughter was to be early, it was arranged that for the sake of convenience, they should pass their last night, no"t in the cells they had hitherto occupied, but in a sort of common hall. Less trouble would thus be occasioned when they came to be assorted and arranged for the shambles. All conversant ■SP mmm mmmmmmmm i.- THE SCARLET VEST. 267 with the dark annals of the period to which we have reference, are aware that arrangements similar to the ahove, were far from being uncommon. The multiplicity of murders to be committed, constrained the slayers to be thrifty of their time. Eugene having put on the vest, now a million times more dear to him than ever, sat down upon his couch of straw, and began to prepare himself for the solemn and momentous change which he was about to undergo. "Whilst thus occupied, his cogitations were broken in upon by Cauchon, who entered the apartment accom- panied by one of the turnkeys of the establishment. He carried a bottle of brandy in one hand, and his flushed visage, and unsteady gait, bore plain testimony that his libations therefrom had been in no respect analogous to the *' few and far between" visits of angels. Coming up to Labelle, who, as the evening wa:i raw, had covered himself with a blanket, Brodcur pointed him out to his subordinate, as an object of special atten- tion. " Mark well what I say, you thick sculled dunder- pate," — he exclaimed, — " and see that you do not over- look this rascal, in the hurry of to-morrow morning. Such mistakes have iiappened more than once of late ; but if a blunder is made in the present case, your own mmm ^mrn 258 THE SCARLET VEST. addled head shall pay the penalty. Do you compre- hend me, stupid ?" Ths "citizen" seneschal, who, most assuredly, was by no means a type or model of tntelligence, emitted a stolid grunt of assent, and shortly afterwards left the hall, along with liis reeling principal. As the night wore on, the temperature of the room from being chilly, had become oppressively hot, owing to the breathing of so many occupants. Eugene, conse- quently, dennded himself both of coat and blanket, and by the light of a lamp which hung in the neighborhood of his pallet, perused at intervals his missal, which by some management he had contrived to retain. Le I5run, the turnkey to whose special attention our hero had been commended, frequently visited the apart- ment during the nocturnal hours, evidently for the purpose of making himself sure of Eugene's identity. Like his superior ofHcer, he had been palpably paying court to Bacchus, an occupation which by no means brightcncMl his naturally bleared wits. Wir'h all this, however, he had not forgotten Cauchon's startling threat, and hence he was anxious to imju'int the image of La- belle upon his mind. The appointed time for execution was seven o'clock, A. M., and just as the deep-toned bell of Notre Dame 11 THE SCARLET VEST. 259 had ceased numbering five, Brodeur staggered into the room which contained Eugene and his brethren in tribu- lation. Haviug passed the entire night in carousing with some kindred spirits, the wretch was in a state of the most utter intoxication. His blood-shot eyes glared and rolled about with the restless energy of dementation, and ever and anon he uttered shrill and unmeaning laughs as if responsive to the jests of viewless demons. In the course of a few minutes, the gaze of the frantic inebriate fell upon Labellc, and the sight apfPired to add tenfold to his mad furor. With one bound he leaped upon the half-slumbering youth, and proceeded with spasmodic energy to tear the well-remembered and in- tensely abhorred vest from his person. **Sacre!" — he hoarsely howled forth, — "and so you have got that infernal love token once more ! Would you not like that the dainty fingers which sewed it, were pressing your hands as in tlie olden time ? By Saint Beelzebub, they will soon have an opportunity to wash the darkened blood from your abominated head, if citi- zen Sanson can be prevailed upon to preserve it as a keepsake for the jilL ! I tell you what, however, mon garqorit you must not imagine that you are to be per- mitted to go to the axe in that piece of foppery. Long have I had my eye upon it, and I intend to appropriate I , ii «■ I • 260 THE SCARLET VEST. I I the same for my own special use and behoof. Come ! strip you dog, without grumbling, and let your heir take possession of his inheritance. So soon jlP^our precious pumpkin has been chopped oif and gathi|ftd into th^idiasket, I purpose paying my devoirs to the coy Marie^ and I have half a notion that when she beholds me figged out in her handywork, all her little scruples will at oiuie evaporate. She will appreciate the delicacy of the col^liment, ha ! ha ! ha ! and when once you can tickle |pbman's vanity, the battle is more than half gained. Off at once with the rag, or I will strangle you where you lie !" Poor Eugene was in no frame of mind to resist any requisition, however unreasonable it might be, and ac- cordingly, with a gentle sigh, he denuded himself of the last tangible link \fhich connected him with earthly at- tachments. Eager to assume the garment thus coveted, after such / a morbid fashion, Cauchon threw off his hat, coat, and doublet, and with wine-palsied bauds, adjusted the vest upon his person. Hardly had the operation been performed, ere nature, BO pestilentially outraged by protracted excess, suddenly gave way. A deep and trance-like slumber settled, with- out even «he prologue of a yawn, upon tie vinous brute. m % ,.|;js.: THE SCARLET VEST. 261 ^St h- tc. and he fell forward against the rugged wall of the dun- geon. His face struck upon ' a sharp projecting stone causing a ghastly mutilation, sufficiently great, indeed, to obliterate all the leading characteristics of the features. At this instant, a bright and genial beam from the sun of hope, darted athwart the mirkness of Labelle*s soul. Without a moment's delay, he dressed himself in the articles of costume just abandoned by the now senseless Brodeur, who, by the way, was pretty nearly about his own altitude. They fitted him to a hair, ancl when he completed his toilei by putting on the slouched, broad brimmed hat c; the slumbering sub-jailor, it would have required a sharp eye and a close inspection to penetrate the secret of the impromptu masquerade. We may state here, that during the transaction of the passages above recited, the bulk of the condemned wore buried in the leaden sleep which lisually falls to the lot of unfortunates on the eve of execution. The few who were awake paid little or no attention to what was going on, BcenlS of violence and strife being too common in that n^pidane ■ Tartarus, to provoke either remark or astonkllifecnt. * ^ Qp searching the pockets of his newly acquired i,oat, la^belle found two articles of priceless value in the pre- sent crisis of affairs. The first of these was a master 262 THE SCARLET VEST. •/ key, enabling the possessor thereof to leave the prison whenever inclined so to do. The second was a passport, giving license to citizen Brodeur Cauchon to visit any quarter of France on the business of the republic. Brodeur had received a roving commission to search for and apprehend members of the detested aristocrat tribe, and as his routes could not be specifically defined, it was necessary that he should obtain the widest topogrpphical latitude. In addition to the abovr mentioned windfall, the youq^f^ian found that he had become the owner of a bountifully replenished purse. Small hesitation had he in resolving to appropriate this lucre to his own exigen- cies, seeing that the proceeds of what should have been his inheritance, had fallen to the lot of the heavily snor- ing Cauchon. Not to protract our narration, Labelle found no diffi- culty in leaving the precincts of the Conciergerie, un- suspected by any of the custodiers thereof. The dress of the lieutenant wa» well known to them all, and as Eugene simulated the zig-zag motions of a drunken man, the deception was complete. ** Citizen Pig is going to oool down his brandy fever," — was the only comment which his exodus elicited from the sleepy warders. Once more at liberty, Labelle' s first business was to engage a conveyance for the transmission of himself and THiS SCARLET VEST. 2G3 /■; a companion to Calais. By the exhibition of the pass- port above mentioned, he experienced no trouble in ef- fecting this arrangement, and after being certiorated that the vehicle would be at his devotion in a couple of hours, he set forth in quest of Marie Dorion. ' Return we now to the Conciergerie. * When the hour drew near in which the innocent con- victs were to be prepared for the knife, the executioner and his horrid train entered the hall so recently tenanted by Eugene. They were ushered on by Le Brun, who, mindful of the monition which he had received, directed their attention in the first instance to the dead-drunk oblivious Brodeur. As before stated, the features of the torpid scoundrel had been mashed out of all distinguish- ing shape and form, and were covered, moreover, by this time, with a visor of congealed blood. Le Brun enter- tained not the slightest dubitation as to his man. He had marked well the position of the pallet which he oc- cupied, and chiefly and above all had taken note of the scarlet vest. This was the main spur which jogged his slow memory, and no other beacon was needed to direct his proceedings. Besides, having only recently become an attache of the prison, he was but slightly conversant with Brodeur' s appearance, and consequently it was the i I 264 THE SCARLET VEST. less strange, that he failed to recognize him under exist* ing circumstances. * ,- * Every attempt to awake the slumhering hrute proved abortive, and so the cropping of his gore-matted hair, and other prehminaries of death, were performed all un- known to the recipient of those grisly attentions. When he was " fairly trussed out for the spit'* as Master San- son, being in a sportive mood, observed, Lebrun deter- mined to make sure certain, carried him forth upon his back, and deposited him in the cart whose destination was the Place de la Revolution, the Tyburn of those diabolical days. As his face was by no means adumbra- tive of the beautiful, Le Brun, who made some preten- sions to taste, covered it with a napkin, and thus, snor- ing with all the unction of a New England nose-trumpeter, Brodeur Cauchon set forth on his unconscious pilgrim- age to eternity. ; The humble apartment occupied by the drooping Marie commanded a view of the place of execution, and at the window thereof she was seated on the morning when the events which we are recounting occurred. Her love was stronger than her grief, and though she felt that life might prove the cost of the effort, she was resolved to witness the closing scene of one who was dearer to her than existence itself, and around whom the gentle 11'^ THE SCARLET VEST. 265 !•! tendrils of her affections clung like ivy to the fostering ■oak. " * ■ ■'-: '"^■' ' - '----''. Earnestly did the forlorn maiden supplicate the favor . t)f heaven for him, who was so soon to fill a premature and bloody grave. "With passionate devotion did she ever and anon kiss the little silver crucifix, which he had given to her on that never to be forgotten evening, when he first poured into her thirsty ear the delicious confes- sion of his love. The sight of that sacred souvenir, for a season, transported her back to earlier and happier times. She fell into one of those day dreams, which sometimes will cheat the sorrow-worn heart into a tem- porary obliviousness of the bitter and comfortless now. ' Once more she was an inhabitant of dear Picardy. Once more she wandered in girlish joy by the banks of the transparent, vine-fringed stream which laved her native fields. Once more she heard the nightingale pour forth gushes of vesper melody, as the setting sun tinted with purple glory the far off western mountains. On a sudden, the gladsome vision of Marie was rudely dispelled by the ghoulish shouts of an approaching band of human fiends, yearning and famishing for blood. Trembling in every limb, the miserable maiden rose from her seat, and with an uncontrollable impulse stretched ' p2 . .: -:::., IWBPW«P"PWppi«|fPPPP^PPI^^PPi«"ii^piWPPi«»illlWP^ ^mmmmn'mm 206 THE SCARLET VEST. forth to catch the first glimpse of the marrow-freezing procession. Too soon the lurid spectacle hlasted her grief-inflamed eyes. Too soon did she behold the ghastly cortege, headed, as usual, by troops of unsexed furies, whom it would be profanation to call by the gentle name of wo- man. Unbridled democracy has had many monster triumphs ; but the climax of them all was when she accomplished the translation of mothers, wives, and daughters into vampires, greedy as the horse leech for carnage, and longing to revel upon the agonies of crushed and writhing humanity. And now the harsh rumbling of the victim-freightcl carts, grated upon the shrinking hearing of the watcher. How intensely she strained her gaze to try, if possible, to discover one of the special actors in that deep tragedy. Alas ! not long had she to continue her inquisition. A bright "bit" of colouring stood forth with terrible significance upon the living moving panorama. With a shriek, the intensity of which caused the " rascal multi- tude" to stint for a moment their heUish jubilate, Marie recognized the scarlet vest, and in one instant she was smitten down as if by a thunderbolt. Cold and sense- less as the marble image of Niobe, she fell into the arms of some one who chanced to be behind her ; and the .1! TOE SCARLET VEST. 267 mort cars grated along, and the she-furies of Paris con- tinued their anthems to the prostitute myth as before. The consciousness of Brodeur Cauchon did not return till the moment when rude and ruthless hands were bind- ing him to the plank which faced the grooved course of the greedy knife. Providence, as if determined that the unhappy wretch should drain, even on this side of eternity, a full draught of the cup of retributive bitter- ness, restored to him the entire possession of his senses. Though, of course, utterly unable to divine the nature of the tide of events which had surged him, so to speak upon the scaffold, he knew with hideous distinctness that upon the scaffold he was, and destined never to leave it except a mass of carrion clay. Frightful was the glare of his eyes, fresh opened, as they were, from the trance of intoxication. Dreadful beyond the power of language to describe, was the hurried avalanche of commingled profanities, and entreaties, and abjurgations which he vomited forth upon the brink of the dark precipice over- hanging the unseen world. The very headsmen, familiar as they were with all the vuried phenomena of dying scenes, were arrested on their avocation, and looked with a kind of bestial curiosity upon this novel development of terror and despair. It seemed as if the immortal ')•.! 268 ^ THE SCARLET VEST. worm had fastened upon the lost one*s soul, and was gnawing it into the spasmodic energy of the damned. No one recognized in Brodeur, the sub-jailer of the Conciergerie. Once, indeed, it struck Sanson, as if the tones of his voice were familiar him, but the idea was banished as soon as entertained. Even if the maimed and disfigured creature had been identified as Cauchon, it would have made no difference in his fate. During the carneous harlequinade of the Revolution, the tyrant of yesterday was frequently the victim of to-day, and it was not the province of the finisher of the law to interfere with the behests of his employers. Accordingly the limbs of the scarlet-vested one were strapped tightly to the plank, which speedily assumed a horizontal position. The signal was promptly given, for there was a very large harvest of life to reap, and his tongue still vibrating with a litany of blasphemies, the head of Brodeur Cauchon bounded as if in coy sport from the sharp kiss of the axe. Long time elapsed ere the spirit of Marie Dorion re- vived, and chill was the sigh which she breathed when once more the weary, sapless world opened upon her ken. With a start, as if her nerves had been traversed by electricity, she heard her name syllabled by a strangely familiar tongue. THE SCARLET VEST. 269 ** It was only a dream !" she said. "Only a dream, but oh ! how very like reality it seemed !" Once more, the precious words " Marie ! dearest Marie !" were breathed as if from some bright region be- yond the cold grave. ' / ' The maiden looked up, and lo ! her lover. " I too, have departed," she solemnly murmured, " and we have met in Paradise !" A long drawn, burning kiss of human love, convinced her that she was still upon earth. re- len len. by lely p3 t '■ ■H