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J-.^rrT-err::^^^^'^-^'^ — p-^ — •^«" DATE DUE m^ m- I |b««Ai" JTflltti ^ CAT, NO. 113 7 J 1/ V 7^ -i ^' y u / / rHE LETTER-BAG OF THE GREAT WESTERN \ J 1\ ■}. i> THE LETTER-BAG OF THE GREAT WESTERN BY SAM SLICK AUTHOR OF "the CLOCKMAKEK," " THE ATTACHE," ETC. ♦' J )ulce est dcsipere in loco * LONDON GEORGE ROUTLEDGE AND SONS, Limited Broadway, Ludgate Hill MANCHESTER AND NEW YORK DEDICATION TO TUB EIGHT HON. LOUD JOHN IlUSSELL. My Lord, Your Lordship uill, no doubt, be at a loss to under- stand how it is that you have had the honour of this dedication conferred upon you, which you have so little reason to expect, and (as you have never seen, and probably never heard of the author,) must be conscious have done so little to him to deserve, and it is but reasonable and just that I should explain the motives that actuated me. Dedications are mendacious efFu- sions we all know, and honest men begin to be ashamed of them, as reflecting but little honour on the author or the patron ; but, ii\ a work of humoui DEDICATION. I' |i ' ail avowal of the truth may well find a ])lacc, and bo classed aiiioii^jj llie l)C'st jokes it contains. I have st'lteted your Lordship, tlien, as my Mecccnas, not on account of your (luick ])erce|)tions of the ridiculous, or your })owers of humour, but solely on account of the very extensive ])atronage at your disposal. Your Lordship is a colonial minister, and I am a colonial author ; the connexion between us, therefore, in this rehition, is so natural, that this work has not only a claim to your ])rotcction, ])ut a right to your support. All the world will say that it is in vain for the Whig ministry to make protestations of regard for the colo- nics, when the author of that lively work, " The Letter Bag of the Great Western/' remains in obscurity in Nova Scotia, languishing for want of timely patronage, and posterity, that invariably docs justice (although it is unfortunately rather too late always) will pronounce that you failed in your first duty, as protector of colonial literature, if you do not do the pretty upon this occasion. Great men are apt to have short memories, and it is a common subject of complaint with authors, that they are materially injured by this defect in their organization. Literary men, however, may ascribe much of this disappoint- ment they experience to their own disingenuousness. They usually begin by expressing great diffidence of their own talents, and disps.Taging their own perform- DEDICATION. ▼1\ ances, and end by cxtollinj^ the acquirements, the liberality, and discern»nent of their patrons, and they j^enerally admit the truth of both tlwse propositions, which is all that is required of ' .em, and there the matter ends. I prefer the most straightforward course of telling the truth ; and so far from detracting from the meriis of the work, and undervaluing myself, I am bold to say it is quite as good a book, and as safe in its tendencies as those of a certain fashionable author who found favour at the hands of your party, and is therefore entitled to your special regard. 1 have inscribed it to you, therefore, not for the ])urpose of paying a compliment to your Lordshi[), but that you may have an opportunity of paying a very sub- stantial compliment to me. Like an Eastern present, it is expected that it should be acknowledged by one of still greatei value ; and in ordei that there may be no mistake, I beg your Lordship to understand dis- tinctly that its merits are very great, and that the return should be one suitable for your Lordship to give and me to receive, and not such a one (as the Canadian rebels said to Lord Durham) " as shall be unworthy of us both." Now, my Lord, I had the pleasure of being in England during the coronation, and the high honour of being present at it. I will not say I crossed the Atlantic on purpose, because that would not be true, VIU DEDICATION. but I can safely say — not that I would go twice as far to see another, because that would be treasonable as well as false — but that that magnificent spectacle waa well worthy of the '•oil of going twice as far for the express and sole purpose of witnessing it. The enthu- siasm and unanimity of feeling that pervaded all classes of the assembled multitudes, gave a charm and influ- ence to that gorgeous ceremony that neither rank nor richoi nor numbers can ever bestow. Upon that occa- sion the customary honours, promotions, medals, rib- bons, and royal favours, were distributed among her Majesty's subjects that were supposed to be distin- guished for their loyalty and devotion. Few of them, however, have since shown by their conduct that they were worthy of it. Instead of being overwhelmed with gratitude, as I should have been had my merits been duly appreciated, these people have filled the country with their lamentations. The army com})lains that its rewards are by no means adequate to its deserts. The navy proclaims, with a noise resembling that of a speaking-trumpet, that it has not been honoured in an equal manner with the army; and the East Indian legions say that the navy and queen's troops have monopolised everything that was valuable, and ^?ft for them only enough to mark their inferiority. All this is very amusing, but very ungrateful. Pets are always troublesome. I wish them all to understand. — f- __s DEniCATIOX. ix and you too, my Lord, that the colonies not only did not obtain their due share of notice, but were for- gotten altogether, notwithstanding the thousands of brave and loyal people they contain. They were either overlooked amidst the numerous preparations for that great event, or the cornucopia was exhausted before the haiul that held it out had reached half way across the Atlantic. Your Lordship was a strenuous advocate, in days bygone, for extending representation, and therefore, though no Whig myself, I beg leave to extend this representation to you, because you were not then in the colonial office, and I know of no man there who will inform you of the omission. To show you the want of liberality in those who for years past have made the selection of names for royal favour, it is only necessary to point to the case of certain persons of colonial extraction. Now these very impartial judges of merit a[)pcar to have forgotten that they were advanced before, and already covered with honours. How much more just then, as well as more courteous, would it have been in them to have waited for their lost sN'p, until we had effected our first ? But this is not all : some of them were first appointed to govern a distant province; then Ireland j afterwards to preside over all the colonies, and subsequently to direct the internal affairs of the nation in the home office. \/ ' ^ DEDICATION. In your humid climate it never rains but it pours; but in the colonies, as in Egypt, it never rains at all. Even the dew is wanting. How many of these honours, my Lord, would those persons have reaped, had their pre- decessors remained colonists, and not shown their sense and foresight by a timely removal to a country in which the lottery of life contains all these brilliant prizes, instead of a mass of blanks, as with us ? What is the necessary qualifications for advancement ? Is it talent and industry ? Try the paces and bottom of the colonists, my Lord, and you will find they are not wanting. Is it humbug? There are some most ac- complished and precious humbugs in all the provinces, men who would do credit to any government, and understand every popular pulsation, and can accelerate or retard its motion at will. Is it agitation? The state of Canada shows how successful wc are in the exercise of that laudable vocation. Is it maintaining the honour of the national flag ? The most brilliant naval achievement of tlie American war, the first that occurred after a series of defeats, and the last of the same gallant style, was the act of a colonist, and the Chesapeake was conducted into the harbour of Halifax by a native of the town. Has he ever been rewarded by any of those special marks of favour that distinguish those peculiarly happy men, the sons of the freemen of a little English corporation ? We afford a wide -■HLJ I - - rgg DEDICATION. XI field for the patronage of our more fortunate brethren at home, and governors, admirals, commissioners, and secretaries, are first promoted over us, and then re- warded with further promotion for the meritorious endurance of a five years' exile among the bar- barians. (Like a good shepherd, my Lord, open the gates, and let down the bars, and permit us to crop some of our own pastm'cs, that good food may thicken our ficcces, and cover our ribs, for the moaning and bleating of the flock as they stretch their heads over the fence that excludes them, and regard with longing looks the rich herbage, is very touching, I assure you. It does not become me, my Lord, to say what I do expect for myself ; but if the office of distributor of honours and promotions among colonists is vacant, as there are no duties to perform and the place is a sinecure, it would suit me uncommonly well, and afford me leisure to cultivate talents that are extremely rare among the race of oHicials. Such a step would confer great honour on jour Lordship, and do me justice.] Having com- mitted so great an error as to omit the colonists on that joyous occasion, as if we were aliens, it would show great magnanimity to acknowledge it now, and make reparation. This, my Lord, is the object of this dedication ; and should that object be obtained, it will then be in my power, should I ever again make my Ill DEDICATION. appearance before the public, to have something to extol besides my own book, and another person to laud besides Your Lordship's most obedient, humble servant, THE AUTHOtt. NOVA SCOTIAt NOVEMBER 15, 1839. PREFACE, Whoever may condescend to read these elegant epistles, will naturally inquire how they came into my possession, and by what authority they are now given to the world. The question is certainly an important one, hecause if it shall appear that the secrecy of the Post-office has been violated, there will be a " corre- Bponding " diminution of the confidence of the public in this department. The obvious inference is, I con- fess, either that the postmaster-general has been guilty of unpardonable neglect, or that I have taken a most unwarrantable liberty with his letter-bag. Under these circumstances, I regret that I do not feel myself authorized, even in my own justification, to satisfy the curious reader, and that the only reply I can give at present is — Asli Spring Rice. He is a *' frank" man, xiv PREPACB. and no one that has ever listened to his serious refuta- tion of the absurd story about his colleague's whiskers, can doubt that he will give the necessary explanation. He is devoted to the cause of men " of Letters," and dolights in " forwarding " their views. Whatever his consistency may be, few men aim at " uniformity/' so much as he does. lie has reduced the postage, and though many persons accuse him of being "penny wise " in this matter, the result will show that it is not he, but the public, that will be " pound foolish " in the end. This must remain, therefore, in an "enve- lope" of mystery, until he chooses to remove the " seal " of secrecy. To the American reader it may be not altogether unnecessary to state that "Spring Rice," like many other words and terms, has a different mean- ing on different sides of the Atlantic. In America it signifies a small grain, raised in low land amid much irrigation ; in Ireland a small man reared in boggy land amid great irritation, and the name of " Paddy " is common to both. In the former country, it assumes the shape of " arrack liquor ;" in the latter, a rack "rent." In both there is an adhesiveness that is valuable, and they are prized, on that account, by a class of persons called "Cabinet Makers." The Spring Rice I allude to, is the man and not the grain, and as an Irishman, it is in the graih of the man to have his attention directed to " transportation." It ie i ' .^' PREFACE. XV a national and natural trait in his character. Former governments tranquilliscd Ireland hy transporting men, he, more humanely, by transporting letters. He has, therefore, wisely connected national education with national postage, for it is obvious there will be few letters where only a few can write and read. Indeed, it is natural to suppose, that a people who deal in "Litters" and supply the English market, will be- come "litterary" men, and an Irishman will be at no loss to comprehend how " less fare " is fairer than more, or how a whole population, that are often in a state of starvation, can rejoice in a "reduced fare.'* It is unkind to call this enlightened plan a "catch penny," or to stigmatize a man who is in advance of the age, as a post man. Equally unhandsome is it to attempt to deprive him of the honour of the invention, by saying the idea is borrowed from the Penny Maga- zine, Penny Encyclopedia, and other similar works, for it is truly Irish in its conception. If he received a hint from any one, it was from O'Connell and his penny rint. Justice to Ireland requires there should be no " Dublin" of postage, and that he whose care is our " ways and means," should himself be careful not to be " mean in his ways." It is absurd to say, that because the postage is rendered uniform, and one letter pays no more than another, tlie salaries of the officers should be rendered uniform also, and the post- I n ;•,• XVI I'llEFACK. master-general be paid no more than his clerk. It is true the poor write few letters now, because the postage is too high, and that they will be induced to write ex- tensively as soon as the penny system is adopted, and thereby to * forge' their own chains; but tiiey will have no right to complain of this increased expense, because it is optional with them whether they incur it or not; the only question is, whether we have not *^poor writers" enough already. We shall gain in quantity by this improved plan, in proportion as we lose in quality, and require a new *' Letter press." Instead of a condensed style, we shall have condensed letters ; and in place of diffuse composition, compo- fiition diffused. My patron, tired of screwing the public, will screw ej)istles, and become king of the * penny a line' tribe. It cannot be denied that there is ground to fear that writing letters (or as a Lord Minto would say, to prove his knowledge of naval matters, 'sheeting it home') will soon become the business of life. It is easy to say of yourself, that you are not at home, but not so easy to say so of your fingers, which are always domestic in their habits, and you cannot avoid writing, now that the excuse of wait- ing for a frank is removed. Lovers must expect "frank" incense by mail no longer. It is said there will be seven times as many letters written under the new system as there are now f S^B . It is postage rite ex- eel , and ley will ;x|)ense, incur it ave not gain in 1 as we press." idensed compo- ng the of the it there Lord naval le the lat you |f your IS, and wait- lil no I many now? rilLFACE. XVII what a prospect for a man who like me is dying of an epistolary plethora, or like the Taylor in the play, whose correspondence extends even to Constantinople ! Universal '^ suffrage," I fear, will be the inevitable result. But he is a courteous man is ujy patron, nay a polished man, whence a certain jiapcr with similar qualities is usually called ''Rice ])aper," to denote its peculiarities, lie will doubtless give every explanation that is required, and if you persist, gentle reader, in your desire to be further informed on this subject, I can only repeat what I have already said — Ask Spring Rice. Sir Robert Peel has enlarged upon the loss of revenue likely to accrue from this measure, and says he objects to it " on principle." Now I approve of it "on interest." It may do very well for him who has all his correspondence franked to talk in this style, but what are poor colonists to do, who never saw a member of parliament or a frank either ? Although no Whig, I desire an extension of the " Frankchise." The only objection I make to the measure is, that there is any ])ostage at all ; and I hold that while the " schoolmaster is abroad," a good government should carry our letters fojL* nothing. It is idle for the administration to talk of encouraging emigration, while they impose a tax oil the transmission of every "mail." High postage »)recludea all correspondence. It is, as a lady of my XVlll FllEFACE. acquaintance most delicately calls it, "a preventive check" to what Joseph Ilunie, with his usual accuracy of language, terms "pen-urism." It has puzzled some people most amazingly to know, if all the pennies go for postage, where the "rint" is to come from, but that is their affair and not mine j and I give notice that unless mv letters are carried "free," I shall agitate for a repeal of the union " with Nova Scotia." It is no answer to me, that ' single* letters are to be rated at only one penny; what are to become of " double cntendres ?" and what reason is there that wit should be taxed ? nor am I better satisfied to find that there is to be an increase in the scale, proportioned to the weight of the letters. This will fall particularly heavy on mc, whose letters have always great weight in them ; I am for going the hog — the whole hog — and nothing but the hog ! In justice to my friend Captain Claxton and the board of directors at Bristol, (from whom, upon a recent occasion, when personally suggesting the propriety, and discussing the feasibility, of establishing a steam communication with Nova Scotia, I received the most friendly and courteous treatment,) I ought to state that I was myself one of the passengers on board of the Great Western during the voyage when this letter bag was made up ; indeed, as a corpulent man, I may add with more truth than vanity, " quorum pars magna fui." From my personal PIlKl'ACE. XIX experience, therefore, I can say tliat the writers of several of these U'tters have drawn largely upon their imagination, and that I should feel (hat I neither did justice to its entijrprising and nu'ritorious owners, nor to my own feelings, if I did not avail myself of this opportunity to express my unqualified approbation of this noble ship, the liberal provision for the comfort of the j)assengers, and my admiration of the skill, unre- mitting attention, and urbanity of its commander. Captain lloskins will doubtless feel much astonished to account for the mode by which I became possessed of these letters, but I trust he knows me too well to require any other explanation than what I have already given — Ask Spring Rice. 1> A i.. S f / \ '-: V .\ TABLE OF CONTENTS. lodication • I'rcfuce • Journal of an Actress No I. PAna • xiii No. II. Letter from Cato Mignionette (the coloured steward) to Mr. Lavender • . . • .13 No. III. Ditto from Captain Ilalfront, of the th Regiment of Foot, to Lieutenant Fugleman . • • .20 No. IV. Ditto from a Midshipman of II. M. S. Lapwing, to an Officer of the Inconstant . . • • .32 No. V. Ditto from John Skinner (Butcher) to Mary Hide . .43 No. VI. Ditto from one of the Society of Friends to her Kinswoman . 60 No. VIL Ditto fron a New Brunswicker to his friend at Fredericton • &B ■k f • . . i. ' II M xxu TABLE OF CONTENTS. No. Vlil. Letter from an Abolitionist to a Member of Parliament No. IX. Ditto from a Cadet of the Great Western to his Mother TAGB 68 77 No X. Ditto from a Lawyer's Clerk . , , ,85 No. XL Ditto from a Traveller before he had Travelled , .91 No. XIL Ditto from a Stoker . . , , .100 No. XIIL Ditto fiom a Stockholder of the Great Western to the Secretary 107 No. XIV. Ditto from a Servant in search of a place • # ' , llG No. XV. Ditto from a French Passenger . , , .123 No. xvr. Ditto from an Old Hand . . , .130 No. xvir. iDitto from an American Citizen , , , 135 No. XVill. Ditto from Elizabeth Figg to John Buggins , , Hi No. XIX. Ditto from the Son of a Passenger . . .153 No. XX. Ditto fi-om the Professor of Steam and Astronomy (otherwise called the Clerk) to the Directors . , .159 No. XXL Ditto from Moses Levi to Levi Moses • ; • I6S No. XXII. Ditto from r Servant of a family travelling to Astoria • lys TABLE OF CONTENTS. XXIU tAOB No. XXIII. Misdirected Letter, No. 1, from a Colonist to his Brother . 181 No. XXIV. Misdirected Letter, No. 2, from a Colonist to his Father . 185 No. XXV. i Ditto from a Loco-Foco of New York to a Sympathiser of Vermont ..... 189 No. XXVL Ditto from a Coachman on the Railroad Line , , 20O No. xxvn. Ditto from the Wife of a Settler who cannot settle . « 207 No. xxvin. Ditto from the Author • . S20. ■ II )I THE LETTER-BAG, &c. No. I. the journal op an actress. Dear Laura, Instead of writing you a letter, I send you the leaves of my Atlantic Journal. March 22nd. — Every actress that visits America, plays her part in a journal ; why shouldn't poor little me ? How I loathe that word actress ! it is heartless, made up, artificial, imitative, a thing without a soul ; but such is life. We call a fool a natural ; the more fools we for doing so. My journal shall at least be mine own, and not the utterance of the thoughts of others. Bonnetted — baiidboxed — packed up — and packed off. Steamed down the river (what an unpoetical word is B m 2 THE LETTER-B>0 I \ 1\ that steam !) in a small crazy craft, to where our most (read spacious for gracious) queen of the seas, the Great Western, lay to receive us. Nothing can exceed the beauty of the scenery on the river. Prodigious walls of carboniferous lime rock (what a beautiful Bridgewater-treatise-word that carboniferous is ! how Greenough, and Buckland, and geological-like it sounds ! had it been manufactured at Birmingham, it would have been carbony) rise in precipitous bold- ness and majestic grandeur to a height of three hun- dred feet above the water-mark ; after which the country, gradually laying aside its armour and emerging from its embattlements, assumes the more pleasing and gentle forms of sloping hills, verdant glades, and arable fields. 'Tis the estate surrounding the keep, the watch-tower, and the castle; the warrior within, the peasant and shepherd without. * iff At one point we passed the site of the intended aerial bridge — a bold conception — too bold and too grand ever to have sprung from the muddy heads of the cranes and bitterns of Bristol. A rope waved gracefully across the yawning chasm, so slender and so small, as to resemble the silken thread of the spider, who is the first and best of nature's architects and bridge-builders. It was almost an ideal line, it was so tiny. It would have passed for a mathematical one, if it had been straight, it was so imaginary ; but slight as it was, it afforded a secure support for a basket con- m OF THE GUKAT WESTERN, taining: two passengers, who were thus conveyed, with the rapidity of birds, from one of the precipitous l)anks to the other. It was Ariel and his companion de- scending on a sunbeam. It was a pretty idea, and I couldn't help saving:; so when an American observed, " I onec hailed a steam-boat on the Mississippi, and asked the usual question, ' Where arc you from V to which the skipper replied, Trom heaven !' ' How did you come from tliere V * I greased the seat of my trousers, and slid down on a rainbow !^ " What a barbarian ! I cried with vexation ; it dashed away, at one rude blow, all the creations of my fancy. How I hate those republicans, they are so gross, so unimagi- native, so barbarous. If a ray of light, a spark of divinity, ever penetrates their cavernous minds, it is like applying the lamp to the fire damps of the sub- terraneous excavations — it explodes and destroys both. Still my attention was riveted (I fear that word is shoppy ; I think it is blunting the end of a nail aftei it is driven in to prevent its extraction. I like etymo- logy, and will ask my brother to-morrow. If it is so. I " transport him for life ") — my attention w as at- tracted, I should rather say, by the sudden stoppage of this little mimic balloon in midway, when a cheer was given from this winged chariot of the sky, and a musket was discharged, the quick, sharp re])ort of which was echoed and reverberated for some minutes among the rocks and caverns of this stupendous gorge. When the last sounds faded on our ears, a deafening cheer was returned from our steamer with heartv M If if B 3 THE LETTER-BAO good will, and we passed on. How animating is this cheer ! so different from the vile clapping of hands of the odious theatre : oh ! that my ears may never again be profaned by that gas-light, heartless, unmeaning welcome. . . Came on board. . . A crowd. . . A mob. . . How I hate them ! . . Descended into the — M'hat ? Gracious heavens, into the saloon ! Must we carry with us the very phraseology of the house ? shall Drury persecute me here ! shall the vision of the theatre be always present ? oh ! spare me — I see the spectres of the real saloon of that vile house rise up before me — the gentlemen blackguards — the lady cour- tezans. I rushed into my cabin, coffeed, wined, and went to bed sobbing. 23rd. — Bedded all day. That word saloon has haunted me ever since. Rose in the evening — petti- coated, shawled, gloved, and went and took a last look on dear Old England, the land of *'the brave and free." that word last ! — the last look, last sigh, last farewell ! how it sinks into the heart ; how it speaks of death, of disembodied spirits, of the yawning grave ! It " lets down the strings," it untunes the mind. I was mourning over it to my brother; I was comparing notes with him, getting at his sensations on that dreadful word " last," when that odious American broke in, unasked, with his " sentiment." Yes, "female," said he, beast that he is; why did he not say " she one " at once ? It is more animal-like, more brutified even than his expression — "Yes, female; I say damn the last, too, as the shoemaker did, when ); or THE GREAT WESTERN. ae tried to straijjjhten himself up, after having worked upon it all clay." I thought of dear Lord B. How he would have expired, exhaled, evaporated at such an illustration ; and then I sighed that I had seen him, too, for the last time. 24th. — Furious gale. The spirit of the great deep is unchained, and is raging in furious strides over the world of waters. The mountains rise up to impede him, and the valleys yawn at his feet to receive him. The ocean heaves heneath his footsteps, and the clouds fly in terror from his presence. The lightning gleams with demoniac flashes to illumine his terrific visage, and the thunder is the intonation of his voice Sheeted, blanketed, and quilted, I remain enveloped in the drapery of my bed, my thoughts looking back inta the past, and timidly adventuring to peep into the future, for some green spot, (0 that dreadful theatre ! I had nearly written Green Room,) to pitch its tent upon, to stretch itself out by the cool fountain and — luxuriate. 25th. — The tempest is past, but we heave and pitch and roll like a drunken thing, groaning, straining, creaking. . . The paroxysm is past, but the palpita- tions have not subsided ; the fit is over, but the mus- cular contractions still continue. It is the heaving chest, the convulsed breath, the pulsations that remain after the storm of the passions has passed away. 26th. — Rose and toileted, went on deck — what a lovely sight ! The sea lay like a mirror reflecting the heavens on the smooth and polished surface. . . Light li 6 THE letti:r-ba"> il cloihls fur away in the horizon, look hkc tho suow-capt sunimitr. of tho everlasting hills placed there to confine the si'ii of molten glass within its own dominion, while distant vessels, with their spiral masts and silvery dra- pery, rise from its surface, like spirits of the deep^ eonic to look upon and woo the gentle zephyrs. Sea- iiymjilif, spreading their wings and disporting on their liquid meadows after their recent terror and affright. They seem like ideal heings — thoughts traversing the mind — shadows, or rather bright lights — emanations, perhaps, rather than self-existences — immaterialities, essences, spirits in the moonlight. . . Wrote journal, mended a pair of silk stockings, hemmed a pocket- handkercliief, ni'.:htcripped, and went to bed — to dream, to idealise, to build aerial castles, to get the hysterics, and to sleep. 27th. — Altered my petticoats, added two inches for Boston Puritans, and the Philadelphia Quakers ; took off two for the fashionables of New York, three for Baltimore, and made kilts of them for New Orleans. Asked steward for books ; he brought me "The Life of Corporal Jabish Fish, a hero of the American Revolution, in five volumes ;" put it in my journal — a good story for Lord W., who is a hero; chattered, sung, and Germanised, with General T., (not conversed, for no American converses ; he proses, sermonises, or pamphleteers.) .... ToddyM — poor dear Sir A. taught me that, and I wish he were here to ' brew ' for me now, as he used to call it. There cer- tainly is inspiration in whiskey, and when Temperance OP THE GREAT WESTERN*. opened the door Poetry took flight, and winged its way to heaven. It is no longer an inhabitant of earth. . . Ah me ! we shall hold high converse witli angel spirits no more. It is all Brummigcm now — all cheap and dirty, like its coaches — bah ! 28th. — General T. says he is glad I did not marry before I left England, for Vestris' doing so was taken as a quiz on the starched Yankees. IMeni. Won't marry on board, and if I take a rcjjublican, may the devil take me without salt, as the IMarquis of W. says. I wish I were a man — an English-man though, for men choose, women arc chosen — to select is better than to be selected, which is bazaar-like. What's the price of that pretty bauble ? Ah, I like it — send it home. Play with it — get tired — throv/ it aside. No harm in that, to be scorned is nothing ; it is pleasant to scorn back again, but to be supplanted — ah, there is the rub. I have a headache — the billow for my pillow; I will be a child again, and be rocked to sleep 29th. — A shout on deck, all hands rushed up — what a strange perversion of terms is this ! It is a water- spout — how aw ful ! ! The thirsty cloud stooping to invigorate itself with a draught of the sea — opening its huge mouth and drinking, yet not even deigning to wait for it, but gulping it as it goes. . . . We lire into it, and it vanishes ; its watery load is returned, and ' like the baseless fabric of a vision, it leaves not a wreck behind.' It is one of " the wonders of the great deep." That rude shock has dispelled it. . . Thus is i 3 9 THE LETTER-IJAO )\ w it in life. . . The sensitive mind releases its grasp of the ideal, when it comes in contact with grossncss. It shrinks within itself — it retreats in terror. Yet what & wonderful sight it is ! how nearly were we ingulfed, swallowed up, and carried into the sky, to be broken to pieces in our fall, as the seamew feeds on the shell- fish by dashing it to pieces on a rock. that vile American ! he too has imitated the scene, he has broken my train of thought by his literal and grovel- ling remark, " Well, I vow, female, what an everlastin' noise it lets off its water with !" I wonder if they kiss in America ; surely not ; for if they did, such fellows as this would learn better mjiuners Wrote journal. . . . Frenchified my frock, to please the New Yorkers — unbooted, unstayed, and snuggled up like a kitten, in bed. 30th. — Sat on the deck, sad and musing — dropped some pieces of pap(^r overboard — wondered whither they went — will they wander many days on the water, and then sink ? Thought of my journal. It will be like them, a little scrap on the great sea of Literature, floating its brief day, and then, alas, sinking to rise no more. Saturated, its light pages will float no longer, but be consigned, like them, to an early grave ; but I have had my day, which is more than every * female,' as the American calls us, has had, and who knows but my book may be as well received ? Bah ! how I loathe that theatrical expression — as popular — that too smells of the shop- ah, I have it, as much the ton. How- soever I I OP TUli GllEAl WEST. 31 8t. — Pottered on deck all day >v;th Gcnirial T. and my brother. The former talked of the Prairies till I dreamed all night of the fat bulls of Bashan, and the buffaloes of the plain. April 1st. — General T. advises me not to take my servant to the table, as it is said Mrs. Mathews did at Saratoi^a, for so far from these republicans liking equality, they arc the most aristocratic people in the world. What a puzzle is man I Poor dear Lord Czar, with all his radical notions, is the proudest " of his order" of any peer of the realm. Indeetl, pride is the root of all democracy. Show me a Tory, and I will then show you a rational lover of freedom ; show me a radical, and I will show you a tyrant. If the Ameri- cans boast so much of their equality as to exclude from their voc.ibulary the word * servant,' and substitute that of ' help,' why should they object to those ' helps ' helping them to eat their dinner ? It passes the un- derstanding of poor little me. How I wish some one would explain all things to me ! 2nd. — I»Iy brother was so-so to-day after dinner, but wine makes him brilliant and witty ; and why should I be ashamed to note it ? It was the sons, and not the sisters of Noah, (merry old soul,) that walked backwards and covered him, when he was too oblivious with the juice of the grape, to recollect such vulgar things as cloths. Read — Italiaued — stitched a new chemisette. 3rd. — How this glorious steamer wallops and gallops, and flounders along ! She goes it like mad. Its i f 10 THE LLTTKR-nAO motion is unlike that of any livinu: thine; I know — ])uffinj'; like a porpoise, breasting tlic waves like a sea-liorse, and at times skimming the suri'ace like a bird. It ))()ss('sst's the joint powers of the tenants of the air, land, and water, and is sii])crior to them all .... At night we had a glorions, splendent, silvery moon. The stars were briuht, thongh feeble, hiding their diminished heads before their qneen, enthroned in all her majesty. Wliat an assemblage of the heavenly hosts! Ilow grand — how sublime! It is a chaste beauty is the moon, beautiful but eold, ins])iring resi)ect, admiration, and so on, but not love, not breathing of passion. It is a melancholy feeling that it raises in the beholder, like a ])ale Grecian face, that calls up emotions of tenderness, but no ardour, and excites interest, but not transj)ort. "Which is the best, the inflammatory sun or the chilly moon ? Midway, perhaps, " in medio tutissimus ibis,'' as dear Lord B. used to say, whenever he threaded my needle for me. I will potter with General T. about it. lie looks moon-struck himself. Tea'd, suppered, champagncd, tidied myself for bed, and I fear — snored. 4th. — Ilow I hate the saloon ! — I will join the Yankees and spit upon it. How vulgar arc all those gaudy decorations of a steamer ! Why should we pander to the bad taste of a mob for Ulthy lucre ? why not lead instead of following, dictate instead of sub- mitting? Are we too to become democratic, and must the voice of the majority rule ? for an hour of that dear little villa of Lord B.'s ! what taste^ what fitness OP THE OIII'AT WKSTKUN'. n of things to purposes ! What leliucrnont, wlint delicacy 1 O i'ov a snufl' of its classic air, for half a yard of its Parnassian sky! How he uould be annihilated by a voyage in this boat ! Howsoever 5th. — A dies iion, as the judge used to call it when nan .ve ipse. (>th and 7th. — Ditto, as tlie shopkeepers say. 8th and Uth. — The same as yesteiday, as the doctors say. lOth and 11th. — No better, as the bulletins say. 12th and 13th. — As well as can be expected, as the nurses say. • 14th. — I was asked to-day if over I had been in love. I know not. AVliat is love ? The attraction of two ethereal spirits, sympathy; but these spirits are only seen through mortal coil. The worm feeds and battens ^^here love has revelled. Can we love what corruption chihns as its own ? Do we not mistake natural iiu[)u!ses for this divine feeling ? AVhat a ])ity Love clogs his wings with sweets; becomes sated — tired — soured ! IMatonic love is nearer perfection ; it has more reason, and less i)assion ; more sentiment, and less grossncss. To love is to worship — with my body I thee worship ; but tliat is not love, it is desire. "With my soul I thee worship ; but that is idolatry. If wc worship with neither body nor soul, what is love? Lips, can it reside in them ? The breath may be bad — the teeth unsound — the skin erysipelatous. Bah ! love a leper ? What is love, then ? It is a phantom of the mind — an hallucination — an i(;nis fatuus — a will-o'- ji^ I It A 12 THE LETTLR-BAO the-wisp — touch it, and it dissolves — embrace it, and a shadow fills your arms — speak, and it vanishes. A-las \ love is not. Howsoever — went to bed — wept for vexation like a child, and when wearied with sobbing- slept. 15th. — Land ahead — a strange land too ; yes, though they speak English, a foreign land, the domain of the rebellious son who mutinied and fought his parent. Can, I ask myself, can a blessing attend such an ^ unnatural attempt ? nous verrons. The pilot is on board ? what are the first questions ? The price of cotton and tobacco. They arc traders are the Yankees ; and I hate trade, its contracted notions and petty details. I think I see Lord B. turn in scorn from the colloquy ; his fine aristocratic face expressive of intel- lectual contempt at such sordid calculations. Would that he were here, that we might retire to the cabin and have a reading of Shakspeare, together drink at the inspired fount, and philosophise on men and things ; but, alas ! he is gone where all must go ; and I have gone where none would wish to go. Poor little me ! Thus endeth the last day of the steamer. Yours always, Mary Cooke. t) li .'i W . IK H il inn illl I i i illilHWilllll III III! 1 II J- - ■ , >^, two Africans, each bearing; immense piles of plates, commence dealing them out like experienced whist players, and with a rajjidity that is perfectly astonishing. These are followed by two others, who pitch, by a sleight of hand, the knives and forks into their respective places, hke quoits, and with equal accuracy. It is preparation for lunch ; the gong sounds, and the stream of passengers pours, down the hatchway again with a rush similar to that of shipping a sea. The wave rolls fore and aft, and then surges heavily from one side to the other, and finding its level gradually, subsides into something like a uniform surface — all have now found their places save a lady immoveably nailed to the wall by a Mulatto girl in an unsuccessful attempt to pass in the narrow gangway ; the struggle to disengage them- selves is desperate but inefiFectual, until fifty people rise, and by displacing the table give room for a pas- sage. What a nosegay for the bosom of an emanci- pating Jamaica viceroy ! a white rose budded on a fe' fl^ ■k. 21 THE LlCTTliil-IJAa jjlack one — oh. the very odours cxhahd by that suble bfjauty sufFocntc me even at this distance of time. Now rise the mingled voices, the confused sounds, the din of corks, glasses, and plates, but louder than before, for wine exhilarates, and those who were miablc to rise to breakfast have succeeded in joining the party at lunch. Again the lloek rises on the wing, and takes flight with a noise compounded of the chat- tering of magpies and the cawing of rooks, the frag- ments are gathered, and the ground cleared of the refuse of the repast. I will enjoy this respite — I will wile away the time with a book, and withdraw my mind from the contemplation of my misery; but, alas I the same earthenware gambols appear again to exhibit their tricks of plates in preparation for dinner ; I once more reluctantly mount the deck with uneasy and unsteady steps, where, after executing a variety of rapid evolutions on its greasy surface, rendered still more treacherous by fragments of orange-peel, I fall heavily, tripped by some kind protruding foot, and am dreadfully cut in my face and hands by angular nut- shells, which are scattered about with the same liberality as the rind of the orange. Shouts of laughter solace me for my misfortune, and coarse jokes in English, German, French, and Yankee, assail me in all quarters. There is but one alternative, I will retire to my den, miscalled a state-room ; but, alas ! my amiable chum has used my basin — n:y towel is floating on it, as if in pity to my suJQPerings, to hide its con- tents, and the ewer is empty. How are these evils OP Tin: fSllKAT WKSTKIl.V. 25 to l)c rc!n('ili(!(l ? the noise of the saloon is too great for my feel}le voice to be heard, the servants are too busy to attend, and I am too weak to assist myself. But what will not time, patience, and good-nature effect ? I have succeeded at last, my wounds are covered with plasters, my toilet effected, and lo, the gong again sounds, tlu* harpies again assemble, and the same scene ensues that was presented at breakfast and lunch. But ah me, what a meal is the dinner! it is "scabies occupet extremum," or the devil take the hindmost. I look around tlic table to see if there is anything I can eat. Tliere is a dish which I think 1 can ivy. I cast an imploring look upon the steward and another upon the dish, or rather on the spot where it stood, for it is gone, fled to another table and returns no more. I must try again — there are fowls — a wing with a slice of ham I think I might venture upon ; but, alas ! he who carves exclusively for himself and his party, has removed the wings and every other delicate part, and sends me the dish with the skeletons to help myself. I examine the table again, and again decide to make an attempt to eat, but the dinner is gone, and the dessert has supplied its place. Who are these fellow-passriigors of mine? are they sportsmen? has the word ** course" awakened the idea of a race, and do they eai for a wager, or arc they marketing, and anxious to get the value of their money ? Have they evei drunk wine before, that they call that port wine 26 THE LETTER'BAG T. ' I i 1 if ■■ and water hock, or that sour gooseberry champagne, or do they ever expect to drink again, thnl they call for it so often and so eagerly ? — I will now enjoy a little quiet — I will enter into conversation with my neighbours, but who shall I talk to ? That old married couple annoy me by showing their yellow teeth and snarling, and that new married couple disgust me by their toying — I cannot speak Spanish, and that German understands neither English nor French. There is no conversation, the progress of the ship, Niagara, machinery, and the price of cotton and tobacco, are the only topics ; or if these standard tunes admit of varia- tion, it is an offer of a Polish Jew to exchange a musical snuff-box for your watch, or to cheat you in a bet oli a subject that admits of no doubt. T will follow Miss Martineau's advice — I will try to discover "the way to observe,'^ I will study character. What, again, Mr. Dealer in Delfs, is there no respite for the teeth, no time for digestion ? Is eating and drinking the only business of life ? Clearing the table for tea, sir, — it is tea time— you will find it pleasanter on deck. Oh that deck, that treacherous deck, the very thoughts of it and its orange-peel, pulverized glass, and broken nutshells, make my wounds bleed afresh. But I will be more careful, I will take heed to my ways, I will backslide no more, nor prostrate myself again before the multitude ; I will ascend, and look that I fall not. But hark ! who is that unfortunate being, whose last agonizing shriek has thrilled me with horror, and who > OF THE nUKAT WESTERN. 27 those hardened wretches that exult in Iiis pain ? Whence that deafening cheer, that clappino; of hands, that uproarious stam])ini^ of feet? Is death itself bLX'omc a subject of merriment, and are the hist fearful moments of life a fittiu!^ occasion for lau; ntcr ? It is a German, who, merely because he is a German, must, forsooth, be able to sing, and it is his screaming that is delight- ing the mob and calling forth these reiterated plaudits. IIow brutal is ignorance, how disgusting is vulgar pretension ! But far above all these human voices rises that inhuman sound of the gong again, and summonses this voracious multitude to the fourth meal. The herd is again possessed with the unclean spirit, and, rushing violently down the precipitous descent, is soon iQst in the vasty depths below. I will not follow them, but availing myself of the open space they have deserted,; a,Yoid, at the same time, the tobacco and its accompani- ments on deck, and the noise and gluttony of the cabin, and enjoy for once the luxury of solitude. IMy strength, however, is unequal to the exposure; the night air is too cold, and the sea too rough for my emaciated body. Though revived, I am becoming chilled, and suffer from the spray which now falls heavily. The sound of the last plate has died away, and I must retreat to avoid these repeated shower-baths. Whist, loo, chess, draughts, and backgammon have fortunately produced a com- parative quiet, — but how is this? I shall faint — the heat is dreadful — the oppression perfectly intolerable. Fifty voices exclaim at once, *' The sky-light — open the ji i f 28 THE LETTEll-BAO U li I u sky-light — death or the sky-light !" It is opened, and ere the cool breeze ventilates the tainted atmosphere. voices are heard vociferating, It flares the sixty candles — it puts out the lights — the draft on the head is insupportable." No two can agree in opinion, and the confusion is indescribable. I take no interest in the dispute ; fainting or freezing are alike to me. I shall die, and die so soon, that the choice of mode is not worth considering. Heat or cold, or both in aguish succession, anything, in short, is better than noise. I hope now, at all events, that the eating for the day is past. "Steward, come hither, steward." " Bring it directly, sir." " Nay, I called not for anything, but come hither, I wish to speak to you." " Have it in a minute, sir — I am waiting on a gentleman.^^ It is useless, T will inquire of my neighbour. '' Pray, sir, (and I tremble for his answer,) pray, sir, can you inform me whether we are to have supper ?" "Why, not exactly a regular supper, sir; there should be though, we pay enough, and ought to have it ', and really, four meals a-day at sea are not sufficient —it is too long to go from tea-time to breakfast with- out eating. But you can have anything you call for, and I think it is high time to begin, for they close the bar at ten o'clock. — Steward, brandy and water." It is the signal; voice rises above voice and shout i OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 29 above shout — whiskey, rum, cider, soda, ham, oysters, and herrings ; the demand is greater than the supply. " Damn them, they don't hear !" — " Why the devil don't you come V — " Bear a hand, will you V* — " Curse that six foot, he is as deaf as a post \" — " You most particular, everlastin, almighty snail ! do you calculate to convene me with them are chicken fixings or not ?'* — " I hope I may be shot if I don't reciprocate your inattention by a substraction from the amount of your constitutional fees, that's a fact !" — " Blood and ounds, man, are you going to be all night ?" — " Hohl dich der teufel, what for you come not — diable — depechez done, bete ?" The bar is shut — the day is past — the scene closes — the raging of the elements is over, and a lull once more prevails ; not a sound is heard but the solitary tinkling of a spoon on the glass as it stirs up the dregs of the toddy, which is sipped with miserly lips, that hang fondly and eagerly over the last drop. I will read now, I will lose, in the pathetic story of ''Oliver Twist," a sense of my own miseries. It is one of the few novels I can read; there are some touches of deep feeling in it. Oh that horrid perfume ! it is a negro — his shadow is now over me — I feel his very breath — my candle is rudely blown out, without either notice or apology; and the long smoking wickj reeking of tallow, is left under my nose, to counteract by its poison the noxious efHuvia of the African. " How dare you, sir ?" — " Orders, sir, — ten i)'clock — lights out in the saloon." — " I have no objection to the order, (30 THE LETTER-BAG i J i !■ i i>- h' it is a proper one ; and whether proper or not, it is sufficient for me that it is an order, but it sh:)uld be executed, if not with civility, at least with decency; but I submit/' I crawl off to my den again, thankful that I shall be left alone, and can commune with myself in my own chamber, and be still. But no, my chum is there, he is in the joint act of expectorating and undressing. It is a small place for two to stand in, a dirty place to be in at all : but time presses, my head ' swims in dizziness, and I must try. My coat is half off, and my arms pinioned by it behind me, and in this defenceless state, a sudden roll of the ship brings my companion upon me with the weight of an elephant ; and in the fall he grasps, and carries with him, the basin. We slide from side to side; we mop the floor with our cloths — but I cannot proceed ; Niagara would not purify me, the perfumes of Arabia would not sweeten me. Oh death ! where is now thy sting ? "Why didst thou respect me in the battle field to desert in 3 now in the hour of my need ? Why was I reserved for a fate like this— -to die like a dog — to be poisoned in a steamer ? If I should still survive, dear Fugleman, which I do not expect and cannot wish, I return not by a steamer. I shall go to Halifax and take passage in a Falmouth packet, where there is more of society and less of a mob ; where there is more cleanliness and less splen- dour ; where eating is not the sole business of life, but time is given you to eat; where the company is so f I I J OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 31 agreeable you seldom wish to be alone, but whore you \/ can be alone if you wish, — in short, where you can be / ^ you ainong g(?ntlcmcn. Believe me, my dear Fugleman, Yours always, Jourj IIaltfuont. l '.' '" ,v . I ■r::- s-o: .. f ^ • . ■ ■' i '••• r ■ ■ I •..■3 • t'. 82 THE LETTER-BAG u !lt ■il No. IV. tetter from a midshipman of h. m. ship lapwing to an officer of the inconstant. Dear Jack, Land a head, my boy, and to-morrow we come down with the dust, not coal dust, please the pigs, nor gold dust, for I never could raise the wind to raise that kind of dust, but rael right down genuioine Yankee dust, and no mistake. — What dobt thou think of that. Jack ? Oh, it blew till all was blue again, the whole voyage, but our smoking steed, the charming Cinderella, behaved nobly. She flew through the water like the steam through the flue; she neve" broke a bucket, carried away a coal-skuttle, or sprung a poker, but behaved like a dear little scullion as she is. She paddled like a duck, and hissed like a swan. She ran a race with mother Carey's chickens, and beat them by a neck. O she is a dear love of a smoke-jack. If we haven't had any distinguished living characters on board, we have ,fv>;: or THE GREAT WESTERN. 33 % had the honour of carrying the " ashes of the grate ;" (old pun that, Jack, but we always wear old clothes, and fire old puns at sea, you know ;) and although we have been accused of ' poking' our way across the Atlantic, I don't know how that applies to us, for we kept a "straight course," ran like the devil, and cleared " all the bars." It was a *' stirring" time on board, every countenance was ' lighted' up ; and though there was much ' heat,' there was no ' quarrelling/ * Falling out/ however, would be much less dangerous than * falling in,' and there is some little difference between a " blow up" and a " blow out," as you and I happen to know to our cost. We have lots of land lubbers on board, young agitators fond of " intestine commotions," who are constantly "spouting" — maidens whose bosoms ''heave" — young clerks who "cast up accounts" — custom-house officers who " clear out" — sharpers given to " overreaching," — Jews who at the tafifrail " keep a pass-over" — lawyers who " take nothing by their motion" — doctors who have " sick visits" — choleric people who cannot " keep down their bile" — bankrupts who " give up all they have" — spendthrifts who " keep nothing long" — idlers who do nothing all day but " go up and down" — men of business exhibiting " bills of lading" — swindlers who " cut and run" — military men who " surrender at discretion" — boys that quarrel, and "throw up at cards" — servants that cannot "keep their places" — auctioneers, with their " going, going, gone !" — preachers who say "they want but little here below, nor want that little long" — hypocrites that make v'i'i f Iv I It 34 THE LETTEll-BAG "long faces" — grumblers that are "open mouthed"— babblers that "keep nothing in" — painters ever re- luctant to " show their palette" — authors that cannot conceal " their effusions" — printers that never leave " their sheets" — and publishers that first " puff," and then "" bring forth their trash," In short, men of all sorts in " one common mess." Lord, what fun it is, dear Jack, to see these creatures ! — Good Christians they are too, for they 'give and take/ they 'return* all kindness with interest — charitable to a degree, for they ' give all they have,' and ' strain' a point to da their utmost. Candid souls, they " keep nothing back,'* but " bring everything forward," without any consi- deration for themselves. Although there is no danger of death, they are resigned to die. Their pride is so humbled, that they no longer " carry their heads high," or are burthened with a " proud stomach," but are content to remain in the place they occupy. The vanities of dress they wholly discard, and would be disgusted at the sight of new clothes, or of finery. They are ' abstemious at table/ and taste of " the bitters'* of this world on principle. What can be more edifying. Jack ? It is as good as a sermon, is it not ? Then, when they stand on t'other tack, it is as good as a play. H ullo ! what's this ? "0 dear, I beg your pardon, sir, I do indeed, but when it comes on so sudden, it blmds me so I can't see ; I am so sorry I mistook your hat for the basin." " Don't mention it, madam ; but, Lord, my stool is loose behind ;" and away they both roll together into the lee scuppers, and are washed first OF TH& GREAT WESTERN. 35 forward and then aft. "Hope you arc not hurt, madam, but I could not hold on behind, it came so sudden ; we shipped a sea." " I hope 1 shall never see a ship again. It's a wonder she did not go down that time, for she was pooped.'' " 0, sir, did you ever ! Do call the steward, please, do take me below ; I shall never survive this, I am wet through. If ever I reach land, nobody will catch me afloat again. I am so ashamed, I shall die. I hope I didn't " " Certainly not, madam, the long cloak prevented anything of that kind." " Well, I am so glad of that, pray take me down while I can go, for I have swallowed so much of that horrid salt water." Pretty dialogue that, is it not ? 0, my dear fellow, you may go round the world in a king's ship (queen's ship, I mean, God bless her, and raise up a host of enemies to her, that we may lick them, and get our promotion,) you may go round it, but you never go into it. If you want to see life, take a trip in an Atlantic steam-packet; that's the place where people ' show up' what they are. But stop, just look at that poor wretch near the wheel, how white he looks about the gills, sitting wrapped up in his cloak, like patience at a monument waiting for his turn to turn in next, and not caring how soon it comes either. He is too ill to talk, and hates to be spoken to, and for that very reason I will address him. " How do you find yourself now, sir ? I hope you are better." He dreads to open his mouth, for fear he should give vent to more than he wishes. He shakes his head only. " Can I give you anything ?" Another shake is the D 3 V 86 THE LETTEll-DAO only reply. "A little sago!" He is in despair, and gives two shakes. " A little arrowroot with brandy in it — it is very good?" He is angry; he has lost his caution, and attempts to answer, — but suddenly placing both hands to his mouth, runs to the taffrail; poor "'illow ! he is very ill, very ill indeed. He returns and -akes his seat, and his head falls on his bosom, but he must be rough-ridden before he will be well trained, so here is at him again. " Pray let me send you a little soup with cayenne?" He gives half a dozen angry shakes of the head. " But the only thing to be relied upon is a slice of fat pork fried with garlick, it is a specific." He makes a horrible mouth, as if the very idea would kill him ; shuts his eyes close, as if it would prevent his hearing, and folding his cloak over his head, turns round and lies down on the deck in despair. The officer of the watch and I exchange winks, and I pass on to the saloon for a glass of — (what the navy has gone to the devil without, since it has become too fashionable to use it as Nelson did,) for a glass of grog." But oh my eyes, look here. Jack — bear a hand — this way, my boy, down the companion-way with you as quick as you can, and look at that poor devil pinned to the state room door, with a fork through the palm of his hand, which the steward stuck there in a lee lurch. Hear him how he swears and roars ! and see the steward standing looking at him, and hoping he hasnH hurt him, as if it CDuld do anything else but hurt him. See what faces he makes, as if he was \ , \> OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 37 too of lee grinninj; through a horse-collar at Sadler's Wells. "What a subject for Cruikshank ! I must not suffer him to be released till I sketch him. Where the devil is my pencil ? — a guinea for a pencil. 0, here it is, and the paper too. I must have this livmg carica- ture. Stop, steward, don't touch that fork for your life — call the doctor — ])erhaps you have struck an artery — (I have him) — the blood might flow too freely — (I wish he would hold still) — or you might wound a nerve — (he twists about so there is no sketching him) — in which case lockjaw might perhaps ensue — (how he roars, there is no catching that mouth) — rusty iron is very dangerous to wounds — (I have him now by Jove) — especially to wounds in the hands and feet — (that will do now, let us see what he will do). " Steward, why don't you * fork out,' you rascal ? ' draw,' you scoundrel, or I'll murder you.'' " That 'fork' has spoiled the 'carving' of the door." *" Palmy' times these." "That 'tine is not tiny,' sir." " It is a ' great bore ' to be bored through the hand in that ' unhandsome ' manner." " I beg par- don, sir," says the steward, " it was not my fault, but this ship is so ' unhandy,' it is indeed, sir." " Excuse me, my good fellow, I say (for I cannot lose the oppor- tunity,) excuse me, but you have put a stopper on your whist playing." " How so, sir ?" " Your adver- sary can see into your hand." — " Humph ! don't thank you for your joke." " It would be a devilish good joke if you did." So now. Jack, you see what a ' trip of pleasure ' means among these land lubbers, and that '•Ml { I • ! ■I ,, i \\ I It i! 38 THE LETTER-DAO is better than ' pinning ' your faith ' to my sleeve/ as the steward did to that sea-calf of a passcnger^s. But here comes a great vulgar conceited ass of a cockney, who thinks we are bound to talk of nothing during the voyage but steam and machinery, two subjects which I detest above all others, they are so technical, so shoppy, so snobbish. Hear him. " Pray, Mr. Piston, (who the devil told him my name was Piston, it*s one I hate, it sounds so Brummagem like, and I hate a fellow that uses it unceremoniously,) — pray, sir, do you know the principle of this boat V* " I have that honour, sir, he is Captain Claxton of Bristol." " No, no ! I beg pardon, not who, but what is the principle V " Oh ! exactly, now I take. The principal, sir, is 80,000 pounds, and it pays nine per cent, interest.'' See how he flushes, his choler is rising, he is establish- ing a row ; if he gets through this examination, he will eschew me for the future as he would the devil. Take my word for it, he will never put me into the witness box again. "You don't comprehend me, sir, I merely wish to ask you if it were on the high or the low principle." ''On the high, decidedly, sir, for they charge 43/. 105. for a passage, which is high, very high in- deed. The object, sir, is to exclude low people, although it does not effectually answer even that pur- pose," — and I gave him a significant look. " You observe they take no steerage passengers, though it might perhaps be an improvement if they did," — OF Tin: GREAT WKSTEIIX. 39 another sip^nificant loolc, winch the insignificnnt Inhbcr appears to take. Odi profanum vulyus et arrco — (I like that last word, it is so expressive of the cold shoulder) — is the very proper motto of the very exclu- sive board of directors at Bristol. " I am sorry I have not been so fortunate as to render myself intcllij^ible/* says my scientific friend ; his ire visibly getting the steam up, I desired to know if it were on the high pressure or low pressure principle." "Oh that is quite another thing, sir. I conceive it is on the low pres- sure, for the lower a thing is pressed the greater the compression — do you take? — the greater the power. For instance, there is the screw invented by Hyder Aulic or llydcr Ally, I forget which, is " He bites his lip, his eyes dilate, but it won't do — it's no go. " I am afraid I am troublesome," he says with some confusion. We bow and touch our hats with much formality, and part, 1 hope, to meet no more. Poor fun this, after all ; grey hairs ought to be re- spected, particularly when supported by a large stomach. Seniores pri-ore^, or the old hands to the bow-oars, but still they should mind their stops, and not be putting in their oars on all occasions. Nemo omnibus koris sapit, it is not every one with hoary hairs that is wise. How I should like to make love, if it was only for the fun of the thing, just to keep one's hand in ; but alas ! all the young girls are sick — devilish sick, and I trust I need not tell you that a love-sick girl is one thing, and a sea-sick girl another. I like to have my love returned, but not my dinner. ■4m*: I 40 THE LETTER-BAO Balmy sighs and sour ones, heaving bosoms and heav- ing stomachs, are not compatible, dear J««k, say what you will, and love will fly out of the window when — but in mercy to the dear creatures whom I really do love, I will drop the subject, or rather throw it up at once. Now I will take a rise out of that cross old spinster on the camp-stool. I hate an old maid, and never lose an opportunity of showing them up. It may be savage, I admit, but man is an animal, bipes implumis risibilis, as Aldrich has it. What a definition of a man, * implumis/ and yet I have seen fellows, with ' feathers ' in their caps too, and hope to have one in mine before I die, but still I must have my lark, let who will pay the piper. "Here, boy, run forward, and tell that young scapegrace George, that if he does not do what I ordered him, he may look 'out for squalls.'" "Oh dear, Mr. Piston," says the lady, pricking up her ears like a cat a-listening, " do you really think there is any danger of ' squalls V " " Oh, very, very much so indeed, madam; but don't be alarmed, there is no danger, if — no, no, there is no danger, none at all, if" — " If what, sir, do pray tell :ne. }} " Why, no danger, madam, if there aint a blow-up ; but pray, don't be frightened, it can't reach you." "Reach me, sir! why, it will reach us all. A blow-up — oh how shocking ! Do be so good, sir, as to sit down and tell me. How is it, sir ?" . " Don't be alarmed, madam, I am sorry you over- heard me; there is no danger, not the least in the OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 41 •^ tfi the eye and do justice to the symmetry and beauty of our forms ? AVhen I look at this lovely maiden, and see her in this vain attire, and observe that slie is not rendered vain thereby herself, forgive me, IMartlia, but I cannot help admitting the question does arise to my mind, "can this be sinful?" Does it not afford employment to the poor ? profit to the mechanic and manufacturer, and diffuse wealth that avarice might otherwise hoard ? To-day she came into my cabin, and asked me to walk the deck with her, and as I sought my bonnet, said " Nay, dear, suffer me to sec how you would look in mine, my pretty friend/' and then stood off, and lifted up both hands, and exclaimed, " How beautiful ! how well it becomes that innocent face ! Do look at your sweet self in the glass, my love ; how hand- some, is it not ? Nay, blush not : be candid now, and say whether it is not more becoming than that little pasteboard quaker-bonnet of thine. Such a face as yours is too lovely to be immured in that unpretend- ing piece of plainness, as you yourself would be to be imprisoned in a nunnery. " Full many a face, with brightest eye serene, Those plain unfashionable bonnets bear, Full many a rose they doom to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness 'mong the ringlets there." " Nay," said I, " dear lady, now thee convincest M OF THE OIIEAT WESTERN. 58 me that the friends very properly forbid the use of those vain and idle decorations, for thee niakeat mc vain. Thee has summoned up more pride in my heart in those few brief minutes, than 1 knew before to have existed within me. Pray take it back, ere 1 am spoiled by thy praise or thy worldly attire." " Vou would soon learn not to be vain of them when you had been used to them — am I vain V* " No indeed," said I, " by no means ; thee is not vain, but far, very far from it ;" and I could not help thinking, neither should I be vain, if like her I wore them daily. Do not be alarmed, Martha, thee must not think I am going to adopt the dress of these people, 1 have no such thoughts, but methinks we place more importance upon this sub- ject than it deserves ; but perhaps my understanding is too weak to penetrate the reasons wisdom assigns for their exclusion. Her brother is a captain in the army, very tall, very polite, and very handsome. His eyes are uncommonly intelligent, and so bright, I cannot look at them when he speaks to me, for they seem to see through mine into my heart, and read all that is there. There is nothing there, thee knowest, but what he or any one else might read, except that I (lo not want him to know, what I should be ashamed to tell him, that I think him so handsome, so very handsome. He swears sometimes, which is such a pity. I heard him say yesterday to another officer that is on board, " How lovely that quaker girl is ! by G — she is the sweetest girl I ever saw ! she is a perfect beauty — what eyes, what a bust, what feet I" 11} mM '^f- 1 ;i, m li; ti *. i >i . i I . / 54 THE LETTER-BAO and then he swore an oath I must not repeat, she was an angel. How shocking to be spoken of in such language of profane praise, by a man whose business is war, and who is familiar with swords and guns, and weapons of destruction ! That oath made me shudder, especially as I was the innocent cause of it ; and yet he is so gentle, his manner so kind, and his conversation so intelligent, that I am sure he is not aware of this habit, which he has caught, without knowing it, from others. He does not agree with his sister about dress. He told me he thought there was great elegance in the simplicity of the quaker dress, that there was a modest beauty in it particularly becoming young maidens; that he con- sidered the way fashionable ladies dressed was dis- gusting, and that the muslin that half concealed, half revealed our charms was uncommonly attractive. I do not know how it is, I fear this man of war — I abhor his swearing, and never could love him, no — never; and yet I do like to hear him talk to me, his voice is so musical, and his discourse so modest and suitable for female ear. He has seen much of foreign parts, and has helped me to pass many a weary hour. His anecdotes are both amusing and instructive. How strange a contradiction is man ! He swears, because I heard him swear about me ; and yet there is an air of piety that pervades his discourse, that is very pleasing: If thee had heard the terms of just indignation with which he related the polygamy of the Turks, and how they ought to be hung that had so many wives, thee OP THE GREAT ^VESTEllM. 55 could not believe it was the same person who used profane oaths. I think if he was one of the Friends, instead of a eaptain of the queen's hosts, I should fear to be so much with him, lest my affeetions might out- strip his. Of the other passengers I cannot say much. Tluy play at cards, and throw the dice, and for money too — and drink a great deal, and talk very loud. It is a discordant scene, and very noisy, for there arc people of all nations here. Their prejudices and predilections are amusing : the French cannot eat sea-biscuit, they are so used to soup ; the Jews will not touch pork ; the teetotals abjure woes and strong drink; the Catholics every now and then refuse meat, and eat only fish ; the English abhor molasses, and the Yankees abuse French wines; the foreigners detest rum, and tobacco is a constant source of discussion : yet, amid all this, there is no quarrelling. I have not been sea- sick myself at all, though the captain was for two days; and it was fortunate for him his sister was on board to minister to his wants. He is very courageous. During the dreadful gale we had, he asked me to go on deck and see how beautiful the ocean looked in such a tempest, and he supported me with his arm in the kindest manner. As we passed the cabin of the missionary pas- senger on deck, we heard music, and stopped to listen. It was a hymn that he and several persons joined in singing. As it rose and fell on the blast, its melancholy tones of supplication had a striking effect, and touched the heart with sadness. What a fitting time this would Wist: - -4 ■■''■' if I '■..(! «(>! 4 ! • ' ! ' 1^ 5G THE LETTER-BAO have been to have appealed to him against the irreverent use of His name who was walking abroad on the waters ; but my heart failed me — for just as I looked at him to speak, I encountered those eyes, those beau- tiful speaking, searching eyes, that so unaccountably compel me to withdraw mine, and cause me a kind of confusion. Perhaps such another opportunity may not occur again. I feel interested in him on account of his lovely sister, who is all gentleness and goodness; and although I abhor war, and fear warriors, and shall never forget his profaneness in calling an humble maiden like me an angel, yet it is the only fault he has, and it would be cruel to regard him with averted looks or frowns of indignation. Indeed, one cannot harbour such thoughts at sea, where the heart is impressed by its mystery, elevated by its sublimity, and awed by its power. Vast, rest- less, trackless, unfathomable, and inscrutable, what an emblem it is of -he ubiquity and power of God ! How many ideas it suggests ; how it awakens the imagina- tion ; how ii t: abdues and softens the heart ; how vast are the treasures of this great storehouse of the world ! How many kind, generous, and faithful beings has the sea folded in its bosom ! and oh ! how many have gone down to its caverns, amidst the thunders of war, with the guilt of blood upon their hands, to realize what man, sinful man, miscalls glory ! Of vessels wrecked, or burned, or foundered, the number must have been fearfully great ; and oh ! what aching hearts, agonizing shrieks, and lingering deaths has it witnessed ! I know J r^- ^' l^ U^^ J. » OF THE GREAT WESTEK:*. 57 not bow it is, 1 cannot look abroad upon this world of waters without being strongly impressed with a melan- choly feeling of interest in those untold tales — those hidden annals — those secrets of the vasty deep. If the captain thought as I did, he would not lightly — but I forget, I only mention his name because there is really so little to write about, that is worth a thought in this great floating caravansary. ^Vhen I arrive at New York, which I hope will be on the third morning of the second week of this month, I shall write thee again. E-EBECCA Fox. :, :^ !*| m -1 .11 P.S. 1 hear the weather in Philadelphia is excessively hot, and that it is necessary to wear thin clothing, to avoid the yellow fever. So thee will please to send me the finest and thinnest muslin thee can find for my neck ; and though I may not wear Leghorn or Pal- metto, yet a gause bonnet would not be so heavy as mine, in this intense heat, nor intercept so painfully all air. Delicate lace gloves, methinks, would confer sJRnilar advantages. The captain has just inquired of me what route we take on our arrival, and says it is remarkable that he and his sister had fixed on the same tour, and leave New York by the same convey- ance we do. I had wished for her company, and am much pleased to be favoured with it. y III' ^H . ''t'V ' /'» i/ s »|iW : 1 1 fl > I '< K? L'!| 58 THE LETTER-BAG No. VII. letter from a new brunswicker to his friend at fredericton, My Dear Carlton, You will be surprised to hear that I am already on my return; but my business having been all satis- factorily arranged, I had no inclination to remain any longer away, at a time when our commerce might possibly receive an interruption from the mad proceed- ings of our neighbours. I am delighted with England and the English, and feel proud that I participate in the rights and privileges of a British subject ; but I must reserve what I have to say on this head until we meet, for if I begin on this agreeable theme, I shall never know when to leave off. I have been up the Rhine since I saw you, and notwithstanding that I am 80 familiar with, and so attached to, our own magni- ficent river, the St. John, I should have been enraptured with , if I had never heard of it before ; but Byrou OF THE GllUAT WESTERN. 59 has be-deviled it, as Scott has Loch Katrine. It is impossible to travel with pleasure or with patience after a poet. Their glasses magnify, and when you conie to use your own eyes, you no longer recognise the scene for the same presented by their magic lantern. Disappointment constantly awaits you at every step. You become angry in consequence, and, instead of looking for beauties, gratify your spleen by criticising for the pleasure of finding fault. Viewing it in this temper, the lower part of the Rhine is as flat and level as any democrat could wish, and the upper part as high, cold, and overbearing as any autocrat could desire. Then the ancient ruins, the dilapidated castles, the picturesque and romantic towers of the olden time, what are they ? Thieves' nests, like those of the hawk and vulture, built on inaccessible crags, and about as interesting. The vineyards, about which my imagi- nation had run riot, the luxuriant, graceful, and beau- tiful vine, the rich festoons, what are they ? and what do they resemble ? Hop-grounds ? I do injustice to the men of Kent ; they are not half so beautiful. Indian corn-fields of Virginia? They are incomparably inferior to them. Oh ! I have it, currant bushes trained and tied to their stakes ; poor, tame, and un- poetical. Then the stillness of death pervades all. It is one unceasing, never-ending flow of waters ; the same to-day, to-morrow, and for ever. The eternal river ! Here and there a solitary steamer labours and groans with its toil up this rapid stream ; occasionally a boat adventures at the bidding of some impatient h 1 ■ 1. la* I'sr-- If I t « ' i i » » f ::' * I' ■ if I 1 60 THE LETTER-B.ia traveller to cross it ; but \vhcre is the life and anima- tion of our noble river, the busy hum of commerce, the varied, unceasing, restless groups of a hardy, active, and enterprising population ? I know not, but certainly not on the water. Dilapidated towers frown on it, dismantled halls open on it, the spectres of lying legends haunt it, and affrighted commerce wings its way to more congenial streams. It made me melan- choly ! May poetry and poets never damn our mag- nificent river with their flattering strains, as they have done this noble one to the inheritance of perpetual disappointment. Who ever sailed up the St. John without expressing his delight, at finding it so much more beautiful than he had anticipated ? and why ? because he had heard no exaggerated account of it. Who ever ascended the Rhine without an undisguised impression of disappointment, if he dared to utter such treason against the romance of the world, or a secret feeling of vexation if he were afraid to commit himself — and why ? Because he had heard too much of it. And yet the St. John is not superior to the Rhine; nay, as a whole, 1 question if it is quite equal to it; but it gives more satisfaction, more pleasure, for the reason I have assigned. Scenery cannot be described. Whoever attempts it, either falls short of its merits, or exceeds them. Words cannot convey a distinct idea of it, any more than they can of colour to the blind. Pictures might, if they were faithful ; but painters are false ; they either caricature or flatter. But the poet is the least to be trusted of all. He lives in an atmosphere OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 61 of fiction, and when he attempts it, he has mountains, skies, woods, and cataracts at command, and whatever is necessary to heighten its eflfect, is obedient to his call. He converts all into fairy land. Now don't mistake me, old boy ; I am neither undervaluing the Rhine nor the poets. But that river needs no poet. Good wine requires no bush. Whether we shall ever have a poet, I know not. Shipbuilding, lumbering, stock-jobbing, and note-shaving, are not apt to kindle inspiration ; but if we shall ever be so fortunate, I most fervently hope he will spare the river — yes, par ex- cellence — The River. . . . As I shall not be able to proceed immediately to New Brunswick, I avail myself of this opportunity to give you the latest intelligence respecting the disputed ter- ritory, which engrosses but little attention (I am sorry to say) just now, on the other side of the water, it has given rise, however, to much fun, the substance of which is this. They say that Governor Fairfield has passed all bounds, and that a Fairfield and a fight have a natural connexion. Little interest is taken in Lon- don in the matter. Few Englishmen know the dif- ference between Madagascar and ]\Iadawaska ; and our agent says the British minister sometimes calls it one, and sometimes the other. They donH know whether ]\Jaine means the mainland in distinction from an island, or whether the main question in distinction from minor questions. Stephenson told them it was a quiz, and that Van Buren had his main as well as O^Connell had his tail ; both of them being lions and queer devik. : 3 1 \ v .^¥-:Jl E^< I I ^1 ili im \ - i;i uli -if kl *! I ■ I i 1^ 51 5! f r ? '^ I 62 THE LETTER-BAG and both of them great hands at roaring. They cer« tainly are odd fish at Fish river, and, like mackerel, jump like fools at red cloth. They talked big, and looked big at the big lake ; but that was from making too free with biggons of liquor. It was natural they should think at last they were " big-uns " themselves. It is no wonder they had such a difficulty in raising men when they were all officers, and that there was no subordination when they were all in command. Hiring substitutes i:s a poor way of a-proxi-mating to an army, and marching in the month of jMarch is no fun when the snow is up to the middle. '' A friend in need is a friend indeed,^' but not when he is in-kneed in snow. Such marching must cost them many a "bummy dear,'' while wading through creeks in winter is apt to give a crick in the neck ; and camping out on the ice to terminate in a severe camp-pain. Indeed, the patriots of Maine must have been joking when they said they intended to run a line, for everybody knew they couldn't stand to it. If they were in earnest, all I can say is, that it is the first time a legislature ever seriously proposed to run their country. Too many of them, it is to be feared, are used to it, for not a few of them have cut and run thither from the British pro- vinces. Playing at soldiers is as losing an affair as playing at cards, especially when you have nothing higher than knaves to play with, and the honours are against you. There has been great laughter at the spoil; the tim- ber-dealers seizing a cargo of deal, and a hundred logs OP THE GIIKAT WESTERN. 63 a deal too large to carry. It was in their line. It was characteristic. It has been culled the odd trick of the Deal. The General putting a bomb across the Arous- tic river has proved how shallow he was. He has been compared to that long-legged gentleman, the bittern " booming from his sedgy shallow." It was " cutting his stick" with a vengeance ; it was not marching, but ''stirring his stumps." It was "king Log" driving his ox-team, like Coriolanus, at the head of the main body of the troops of the state of Maine, and whistling- as \v went, " Go where glory waits thee." Marching with fifty pounds of pork on their backs was certainly going the whole hog, and a ration-al way of establish- ing a provision-al govcrnment-a-Madawaska. It i.s said, tlie troops cut their way, not through the enemy with swords, but through the woods, like true Yan- kees, by " axcing." They first run and cut, and then cut and run. They kept up a brisk fire day and night, not on the borderers, but on the ice on the border; and would have had a field-day, no doubt, if there had been a field within fifty miles of them to have had it in ; but alas ! the only thing worth a dam that they saw was a saw-mill. To read the Generals speeches, you would have supposed he was boiling wilh rage at the Brunswickers, whereas he was only thinking of boiling maple sugar by battalions. He was making a spec, licking sugar-candy, and not licking the enemy. Gallant man he was, but too fond of the "lasses." What right has this patriot to complain of his shoot, ing-pains, who wculdn^t be at the pains to shoot ? Il 3 Im !-H.: ! 1 \3: ;>^ J. (I 61 THE LETTER-BAO \ place of raising; 800,000 men, as he boasted, he raised 800,000 dollars. Same aiiimos, nee tc vcsano trade dolor-i. Instead of charging the British and brcalcing their ranks, it is \vhispc»'cd they made a dreadful charge against the state and broke the banks. Fie u])on them ! is this the way they serve their country ? But march- ing on the ice is slippery work, and a little backsliding is to be expected even among patriots and heroes. Talking of patriots puts me in mmd of Canada, which I hear has sent delegates (or dclicatcs, as they arc more appropriately called in the fashionable world) to England to raise themselves v y lowering others, as an empty bucket does a full one in a well. Their bucket, how- ever, proved to be a leaky one, for, by the time they got home, it was found to contain nothing. It re- minded me of the Irishman's empty barrel, full of feathers. The story of the mails was one grievance, but they found, on their arrival, the postage had been reduced one half without asking, and fifty-five thousand a year granted, to convey their *' elegant epistles," by steamers via Halifax. " I give thee all, I can no more.'' Alas for these knights errant ! what has become of their coats of " mail ?" I suppose they will next ask to be paid for letting the mails travel through the country, for the more people bother government, the better they are liked, and the more they get; like crying, scolding children, who worry those they can't persuade. This is reversing the order o^ laings, not teaching the young idea how to shoot, but teaching 'I OP TIIK GREAT WESTERN. 05 the old one how to make ready and present, A 'Taught' govcrnriunt, however, is a good oni', for it encourages no "slack," but 'recede' and 'concede' is the order of the day now, " Cedendo victor abibis." Loosening the foundations is a new way of giving sta* bility to a government, while reform means destroying all form, and creating that happy state that is ' without form and void.' llesponsible government in a colony means the people being responsible to themselves, and not to England ; dutiful children who owe obedience, but, unable or un- willing to pay it, want to take the benefit of the act, and swear out. A majority without property, who want to play at impeachments with their political opponents, and Lynch them. It is a repeal of the Union, and jus- tice to Canada requires it. It is a government respon- sible to demagogues, who are irresponsible. AVhat a happy condition to live in ! Ah, my good friend, you and I, who have disported in the vasty sea of the great world amidst the monsters of the briny deep, know how to laugh at the gambols of these little tadpoles of a fresh-water puddle. I abhor ultras of all parties Dum vitant stulti vitia in contraria currunt. Good speci- mens, if they could be procured, of full-grown whole- hog Tories and Radicals from that distant but turbu- lent colony would be a valuable addition to the British Museum, in its natural history department. I will describe them, that you may make no mistake in the selection. A colonial super-ultra-high -Tory, is of the genus blockhead, species ape. It is psilodactilus or i I ir' ■I i I '■.m i'li 4i!t.i£1||fl I ' -• "M ^i-v^r'w IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) <.X-t^ 1.0 1.1 1.25 121 ■ 15 «... I 2.2 ^ 1^ 1.8 III i.4 1.6 6" Vl 7. ^ v^** %^* ■^ °w Photographic Sciences Corporation 4^>^ 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. MSSO (716) 873-4503 '9>'' . I ii »i » f Ii %» 66 THE LETTER-BAG long-fingered, and the largest animal of the kind yet known. It has great powers of imitation, a strong voice, and the most extravagant conceit. It is a timid creature, slow in its movements, and somewhat inactive, and lives in perpetual ilarm of ambush. It cannot see distinctly by day, and its eyes resemble those of an owl. It has two cutting teeth in front of each jaw. The ears are large, round, and naked, and the coat is soft, silky, and rich. Its proportions are not good, and its sagacity greatly inferior to the European species. It is voracious, and very savage when feeding . . • The ultra-low radical is of the species Vari, its colours con- sisting of a patched distribution of black, dirty white, and grey, though its real or natural colour is supposed to be black. It is knovn to be of a fierce, and almost untameable nature. It moves in large droves, when it is very mischievous, exerting a voice so loud and power- ful as to strike astonishment and terror into all those who hear it, resembling in this respect, as well as its habits, the radical and chartist of England. It is im- patient of control, but exhibits a sullen submission under firm treatment ; though, upon the slightest in- dulgence, or relaxation of discipline, it turns on its keeper with great fury. Its habits are predatory, its appetites unclean and ravenous, and its general appear- ance disgusting. You may find some of each in New Brunswick, though perhaps not so full grown as in that land of pseudo-patriots and sympathizers, Canada, Pray send a good specimen of both varieties to the trustees, for people in England ridicule the idea that > 1 -^ ' y •'V /I' OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 67 ^ there is room or suitable food for either in British America^ the climate and soil of which, they maintain, is not congenial to them. Alas for poor human nature, man is the same on both sides of the Atlantic. Para- dise was not good enough for some people, but they were served just as they ought to have been — they were walked out of it. . . . The lumber duties will not be altered this year, and we shall obtain that respite from the fears of the speculative writers of the present day, that their sense of justice or knowledge of business would fail to obtain for us. Afraid to refuse, yet un- willing to give, they get credit neither for their firm- ness nor their liberality. The unsteady conduct of these fellows reminds me of a horse that is not way wise. When he gets snubbed in one gutter, he jumps over to the other, and is never in the straight road at all ; and when you give him the thong, he rears up, refuses to draw, and kicks the carriage to pieces, resolved that as he cannot take the load himself, no one else shall do it for him; but more of this when we meet. In the mean time I have the pleasure to subscribe myself Yours truly, Oliver Quaco. ml. :y^\ 'i t: ivm v3 t a i f 1 'I ; a r I i 68 THE LETTER-BAG tm- No. VIII. letter from an abolitionist to a member op parliament. Mt dear Sir, Having brought the emancipation of our sable- coloured brethren in the "West Indies to a happy termination^ I have resolved to undertake a peregrina- tion into the United States for a similar purpose, animated to this philanthropic work by a feeling of inextinguishable hatred of that remorseless^ anti- christian, and damnable traffic in human life — the slave trade. Their day of liberty is just about to dawn in full splendour. "When I observe our friend Cassius receive, at his levees and balls in these islands, the coloured on an equal footing with their white brethren, and his amiable partner walking arm in arm with the sable female, (probably the descendant of a long line of African princes,) to the amazement and consternation of the whites^ and in defiance of the odours which OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 69 must be admitted to emanate from them, not only by those who espouse them, but by those who espouse their cause; I bless him, I congratulate the world, and, above all, I facilitate the nobility, that the partition wall has been broken down, that colour and odour make no distinction, and that, instead of a few black legs, (the utmost advance that has hitherto been made in the higher circles,) we shall see numerous black peers among the new creations. And who shall pro- nounce that they are not worthy of being the associate* of at least some that are to be found there ? None, sir; none will dare to insinuate it, but those who are themselves unworthy. Why should they spurn those to whom some of their number owe their own ele- vation ? Is it not to the agitation of this emancipation, to the appeals to the sympathy and religious prejudices, and (I hope I am not uncharitable) to the cant of the day, that some people are indebted for their own station ? Why then reject those equal in rights, equal in mental, and superior in bodily powers ? Jamaica presents a prospect that cannot fail to rejoice the heart of the true philanthropist. Already have tlie exports of that island fallen more than one-half, and will shortly cease altogether. Is not this a proof that these unfortunate beings, the blacks, must have been compelled to v/ork beyond what was necessary ? for now, when left to themselves, there is no inducement that either ambition or avarice can discover sufficient to make them work at all. From which the inference is plain, that Providence never 'M 4' :l| ill :, ^a ■' ' t' J, \ hn a « 1 1 '.: .Si , it ! ■ I ro THE LETTEll-BAG i i i I ' I » ■ I* If ^ / \ intended they should work. What an earthly elysium that island will soon become, when, like Saint Domingo, .t is left to spontaneous production ! When nature will supply their wants, and they can roam at large like the birds of the air and the animals of the field, and the voice of complaint shall be drowned in one universal chorus of song ! When hand in hand the natives, like our first parents in paradise, knowing not the artificial wants of clothes, shall have their couches of rose leaves, their beverage of the cool stream, or still cooler fountain, and gather their food from the limbs of trees that hang over them, inviting and soliciting them to pluck and eat ! Can imagination picture any- thing equal to such a scene of rural felicity as this ? Even the restraints of our moral code will be wanting, for morals are artificial and conventional. Where there is no property there can be no theft, where there is no traffic there can be no fraud, and where nature supplies freely and abundantly all wants, there will be no restrictive matrimony, for marriage is a civil obligation arising from the necessity of providing for a family. Each one will follow the dictates of his own inclinations. Love will have no fetters to impede his gambols ; aff*ection will alone be consulted. The eye will choose, and the heart ratify, all connubial contracts ; and when the eye is sated, and the heart is cooled, both parties will separate without a sigh, and without a struggle, each one free, like the birds of the air, to spend a succeeding season with a new mate, and no murmur and no jealousy shall be heard. There will be no Tf'^ OP THE GREAT V.i:STEllN# 71 property in the heart, no slavery in the affections ; but there will be what many nations boast of, but, alas ! what few possess, freedom, unlimited, unrestricted, absolute freedom — freedom of thought, freedom of action. What a realization of all our hopes, what a happy termination of all their wrongs and sufferings ! Succeeding ages will admire and applaud, and heaven will bless these noble designs. Impressed with this view of it, happy in being the agc"' in promoting such sublunary felicity, I propose visiting the states, for there too arc exalted spirits, true patriots, noble philanthropists, who, unshackled by paltry considerations of property, would break down all distinctions as we have done, and as the beam has hitherto inclined to the whites, now give it a counter- poise allogether in favour of the blacks. It is not a subject for equalization, for studying balances, and for making nicely adjusted scales. We must go the whole figure, as they express it. But, my good friend, this is a dangerous country — the planters are a fiery and impetuous people, and will not bear tampering with, as our colonists do — we must unite the gentleness of the dove with the wiliness of the serpent. I propose commencing the southern tour first, and using West India tactics. I shall mount the pulpit. Witihout a direct appeal to the passions of the black, I will inflame their imagination : I will draw a picture of freedom in another world, that will excite them in this. I will describe sin as a taskmaster, I will paint that task- master in a way that the analogy cannot be mistaken ' m ' '■' '111 , 1 Mfi' 72 THE LETTER-DAO J I, >. for their own masters, and in colours that cannot fail to rouse their imaginations and passions, and advise them to throw oflf the yoke of the oppressor ; in short, I will keep within the law, and effect that which is without the pale of it. When I reach the non-slave- holding states, where my person will be secure from violence, I will speak openly ; I will draw ideal pictures of distress from the stores of fancy, and talk in touching terms of broken hearts, unwholesome exhalations, burn- ing suns, putrid food, unremitting toil, of remorseless masters, unfeeling mistresses, and licentious manners. I \5all then put in practice the happy and successful ruse I adopted in England. I will produce a prodigious whip with wire thong, and ponderous manacles and thumbscrews of iron, fabricated for the occasion — and, exhibiting them to the audience, appeal at once to their feelings, as men and as Christians. That I shall succeed I make no doubt, and I shall have the pleasure occasionally of sending you an account of my doings. I have availe-^ myself of your kind permission to draw upon the funds of the society for five hundred pounds to defray my necessary expenses in this great and holy work ; a work which, I must say, sanctifies the means. What a glorious retrospect is the past, how full of hope and happiness is the prospect of the future ! The West Indies are free, the East is free, and America is soon to be liberated also. That we were to be assailed by calumny, to be denounced as incendiaries, and perse- cuted as felons, for our part in this great political regeneration, was to be expected. Our enemies, and OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 73 the enemies of reform, have made a great handle of the murder of Lord Norbury, which awkward affair has never been placed in its proper light. It was a death, and nothing but a death — but what is it more than that of any other individual ? Is the life of a peer of more value than that of a peasant ? It is a life, a unit, not distinguished from any other unit, but because there is a naught in its head. One of the oppessors is gone, and gone suddenly ; so have many of the oppressed gone likewise, and yet the death of this aristocrat makes more noise than them all. Rank toryism this, which thinks of nothing but rank, and impiously asserts there is rank in heaven, for there are angels and archangels there. To be free is not to be oppressed, to remove oppression is an act of freedom, but an act of freedom is not murder. Murder is of malice aforethought, but where principle and not malice removes a man, it is not murder, but the effect of political difference. I do not approve of it in detail, for I doubt its policy and efficacy, so lon£^ ;? < the power of creating peers remains in the crown ; lut still this is not a case for pious horror, but rather for regret. There was no robbery, no sordid motive, no mean vulgar plunder attending it. It was the deliberate act of an exalted mind, mistaken, perhaps, but of high feeling, intense patriotism, and Roman virtue. It was Brutus preferring Rome to Caesar. It was a noble deed, but rather philosophical perhaps than religious. Sordid politicians cannot understand it, cowards dread it, and bigots denounce it. Few of us, perhaps, are ■ ■' ■'! "4fy l\ ! , i . 74 THE LETTEll-BAO sufficiently devoted or enlightened publicly to applaud, to suy that we sanction it, or would achieve it our- selves* • but whatever we may think of the act ab- stractedly, we cannot but admire the firmness, the nobleness, and the elevation of the perpetrator. lie was a true patriot. If he was right, heaven will reward him; if he was in error, his motive will bo respected, and he will be pitied and forgiven. So in Canada, the burning out of the vile conservative loyalists is not arson, for it is not malicious ; and the secret removal of them to another world not murder, but constitutional amelioration. Great allowance must be made for the warmth of political excitement. A Lount may despatch those whom the press denounces. That noble-minded man, Brougham, has thus considered it ; the perpetrators have been pardoned, the jails have been thrown open, and the patriots set at large to commence anew their great moral and political re- formation. If this is right in Canada, how can it be wrong in Ireland ? and if right in Canada and Ireland, how can it be wrong in the Southern States of America ? The laws of justice are uniform and universal. What is Lord Norbury more than Chartrand, or Lord Glenelg more than Schoultz ? — unit for unit — tit for tat — a Rowland for an Oliver. Necessity has no laws, but even in the eye of the law it is said all men are equal. In the eye of Heaven we know they are. The peer and the peasant are both equal then as far as killing goes ; and killing no murder as far as the absence of personal malice gioes. Under these circumstances let "' ■ ......./„ .. OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 75 us persist in aiding, by all means, similar to those resorted to in Canada, our devoted Sable brethren of the South. Should a few of their masters be removed, it is but the natural consequence of the system, and not of the reform; and the roots, if traced, will be found to spring from the fetid soil of slavery, and not the virgin mould of freedom. In burning off the stubble, who ever doubted a few cars of grain woidd be consumed ? or in cutting down the weeds, that a few blades of grass were to be sacrificed ? — none but fools or idiots. In my next I shall give you a detail of my pro- ceedings; at present I have left myself barely room to subscribe myself your much attached and sincere friend, Joseph Locke. V Extract from a newspaper published at Vixhurg, under date of the 22d May, 1839. " We regret to state that this city was thrown into great confusion and alarm yesterday by the discovery of a plot for an insurrection of the negroes, the murder of the whites, and the destruction of the place by fire. It was clearly traced to have originated with a fana- tical English abolitionist of the name of Joseph Locke, who expiated on the gallows, in the summary manner prescribed by 'Judge Lynch,' this atrocious offence against the laws of God and man. On his person was m I •■.ji .i" i m. 7G THE LETTER-DAO found tlic draft of a letter addressed by him to a member of tbe British parliament, (whose name for the present we withhold,) not merely admitting the part he was about to take in this infernal work, but actually justifying murder and arson as laudable acts, when resorted to in the cause of reform. He had an op- j)ortunity offered to him yesterday by our indignant citizens, of testing the truth of his principles, and the soundness of his reasoning. It is to be hoped, for his own sake, his views underwent no change in his last uioments." I i . ; OF THE GREAT WESTSRN. 77 it' No. IX. letter from a cadet of the great western to his mother. Dear Mother, As I intend to get out as soon as we get into New York, and look for a packet for England, I write this letter that I may pack it oflf to you as soon as possible. Don't be afraid that I am going to spin a long yarn. I shall merely send you a few matters I have entered in my log, on which 1 intend to extend a protest against the owners, captain, ship, and all persons con- cerned. Putting midshipmen on board a steamer to make seamen of them, is about on the same ground- tier with sending marines to sea to teach them to march. Nobody but them land-lubbers, the directors, would ever think of such a thing; but you shall Judge for yourself which way to steer in this aflfair, when you hear what I have to say, and see how the breakers look when laid down on the chart. '■•'•i ; 01' li (.■.' ¥:■ 78 THE LETTEK-BAO M i !'■ i I We have had a long voyage of twenty-two days. Ever since we tripped our anchor at Bristol, my heels have been tripped instead, and I have learned pretty well what a trip at sea means. Our mess is forward, and a pretty mess we have made of it, not being much more forward ourselves than when we started. The sea has washed off all our crockery. Broken dishes float about the floor, till the cabin looks like the river " Plate.'* I am nearly as bad off myself, for I sleep so wet I am all in " shivers.'* Our breakfast cups are tea-totally broke, though we have seen no breakers ; and our sugar, as the member of parliament that used to dine with Pa said of the house, is either dissolved or pro-" rogued,*' I don't know which. Our decanters and tumblers are all in pieces, and tumbled overboard, which happens so often, that I suppose it is the reason why people call it the glassy surface of the sea. My head is all covered with bumps, not to mention other places ; and the older boys laugh when I complain, and call me a country bump-kin, and the doctor says they are so well developed, they would be a valuable study for bump- ology. My messmates' buttons have G. W. on them, which means great wages, and when they don't know what game to play, they make game of me, and play the devil. We have black things on board with long legs, through which we learn to take the sun, called making an observation, though we are not allowed to speak. This in- strument they call a sexton, because we have to look so grave; and when the appointed time is come which comes alike to all, the sexton is useful, to tell us how long we OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 79 are from our long homes, that we may calculate the length of our days, make our crooked ways straight, and never lose sight of the latter end of our voyage. They have a chip tied to a string, which they call a log, which they throw into tlie water to tell how fast the vessel goes. My business is to haul it in. I begin at this work as soon as we leave Chip-stow j and I assure you it chops my hands before long, and if I cry, as I do sometimes with pain, the boatswain threatens to slap 'my chops* for blubbering. The string has knots in it, and every mile she goes is called a knot. The more she does not go the faster she goes, which would puzzle them that were not used to such knotty things. Every old thing almost has a new name on board of a ship. What do you think they call watches, and how do you suppose they are made ? Why, four men and an officer make a watch, or, as they say, a watch with four hands. It is a very hard case for a watch that has to turn up in the night. They try every plan to plague us ; whenever it is dark, and I can't see my hand before me, I am sent to the bow, and desired to "keep a sharp look out.'' The sea breaks over me there, and wets me through ; and when I complain of it, the captain laughs, and says you are a "dry fellow." The short watches are called dog watches, because the hands arc only " tarriers" for half the time the others are. They are well named, for one leads the life of a dog here, and we become growlers every one of us. As for me, I have charge of the captain's jolly boat, which I am told is quite an honour. is i:^ i ..>lr i f I I '^n 0.i !M ■ 1 1 : . il I .;k ,,ti Kit ';% ■f,VU ! mi ' .■•, ' < I 1^ .■ IP'' m ■vi M lH'il m ^■i 80 THE LETTER-BAG My business is to set him ashore, and then to set myself in the stern for two hours, whistling *'by moonlight alone," till he comes back. Very "jolly" work this. He calls us his jolly tars out of fun. I hope, dear mother, if you have regard for me, you will take me out of this steamer — I look like a blackguard, and feel like one. The captain calls me a smutty rascal — I don't like such names, but every one is smutty, and can't help it. The shrouds are smutty, the ropes are smutty, and the sails are smutty ; and to have things of a piece, they have a parcel of smutty Mulatto girls on board. I wipe more smut on my face with a towel, than I wash off with the water ; and smut my shirt more in putting it on than in wearing it. You will hardly believe it, but my very talk is smutty. I look like a chimney sweep, for though I do not sweep flues as he does, the flues sweep me, and both of us go to pot. I am so covered with soot I am afraid of a spark setting me afire, and then I should be a " suttee." The steam ruins everything in the ship ; our store-room and berths are back of the boiler, and are so hot, our candles that used sometimes to walk off now run before they are lit ; our butter under- takes to spread itself; my boots are dissolved into jelly, but it is bootless to complain. The knives and forks which used to assist us in eating are now eat up themselves with rust. Not a single bit of our double Gloucester is left but has made "whey" with itself. Our tea leaves us ; it has distilled away, and the leaves are aU that is left : the stewardess laments her lost OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 81 ?< Bo-he." Keeping our eggs under hatches has hatched our e^^% and we have had to shell out our cash for nothing but shells. My new coat a moving "tale" reveals ; even "gilt'' that was so glaring is now "guilt- less/' and its " mould" buttons are themselves covered with " mould ;" the cape has become a " Cape dc Verde ;" every one complains of my " cholcr," and the sleeve is no longer a laughing matter. My hat has "felt" the change; and, as well as myself, would be none the worse of a longer " nap," while my gloves are so shrunk they have ceased to be " handy." I have not been mortified by having " my feet in the stocks," but my shoes are so bad, I am often in my stock-in- feet — I am, " upon my sole," and there is no help for it. The clerk gives us lessons that he calls lectures, so that all the spare time we have from working the ship is spent in working " more," which works us up so we have become " spare" ourselves. To give three hundred pounds for the privilege of working like fun for nothing for the Great Western for three years, was about as good a joke, dear Ma, as was ever passed off ;ipon an affectionate mother. Who ever put that into your head put you into his pocket ; for, after all, it is only a kitchen on a large scale, with a steam-cooking apparatus of great dimensions. A man can never rise whose work is all below ; and he who succeeds and gets at the top of the pot, makes but a pretty kettle of fish of it at last. No, dear mother, remove me, I beseech you, for I am tired of these trips, these parties 1^ V, i .\t\ "■■ *\ m Pr -i li "■-v<'1* I 1 i ft. * 'I til '■\ H* ■ ■ ! 1 ■ .V'l. - ■l '"I i' of pleasure, these western tours. I shall want a new out-fit when I return, an entire new kit, a complete set of traps — my old ones, if wrung out, would give " creosote'^ enough to buy new ones. The ship joggles so I can't write straight, and I have got so used to the trembles, that my hand shakes like palsy. There ain't a steady hand on board. They say " a rolling stone gathers no moss,*' how that is I don't know, as 1 never saw one that kept rolling about ; but I know that a rolling limb loses a great deal of skin. My sea chest is growing fast into a hair trunk : it is already covered with the skin of my shins, and in this hot greasy place the hair will doubtless soon begin to grow upon it. We have "fresh rolls" every minute, and a man may well be said to urn his wages who does nothing but boil water all day. The sun has tanned all my skin, and the steamed oak has tanned all my clothes; the consequence is, my linen is all leather; and I am become a shining character and a polished gentleman. I am a nigger, "mancipate" me, dear Ma, for you know not what I suffer. All the water is so hot it scalds, all the iron so heated it burns, while the whole ship hisses at yoga. The tar bubbles up through the seams, and your feet stick fast to the planks ; and when you complain they tell you you are an upright man, stedfast, and immovable; but being " decked up" is not so pleasant as you'd think : I'd a thousand times rather be ''tricked out," which I intend to be when I return. I have no objection to stick to my OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 83 profession, but I don't wish to stick in it ; and if s of no use to talk of promotion to a man who can't get a step. Though I often get a wigging I can no longer comb my hair, for it has become a pitch plaster, and my head looks like a swab of oakum dipped in tar. It is humbling to think I should be so disgraced as to make it my whole study how to "pick a lock.'' "Ward" off this disgrace, dear Ma, for you can't judge of officers afloat from what you see of them ashore. They put on sea manners with sea clothes, and instead of looking as bright as kings of hearts, as they do in harbour, they look as black as the ace of spades at sea. When I first came alongside to look at the ship, they steered for the cabin, hailed the steward, and hove to abreast of the table, where they broached the locker and boused out champaigne and hock, which they over- hauled in great style, and stowed away with a ration of cake and negus. It was all as quiet as a calm, and no catspaw amoving on the water. The last thing a man would dream of in such weather was a squall a-head. But when I came on board with my traps, and was regularly entered in tlie ship's books, and we fairly got under way, it was no longer "what cheer, messmate?" but luffing up and hailing in a voice of thunder — "I say, youngster, what the devil are you doing there ? you land-lubber rascal you, if you don't go forward and attend to your duty, I'm damned if I don't give you a taste of the ropesend." So, dear Mother, as soon as we heave in sijj,ht of England, hang G 2 r'l '■ ^mi m m :.f J S4 THE LETTER-BAG out a signal for a boat ashore, and just as we round to at the dock, take your departure for home, and let me pull in your wake after you, that's a dear, good Mother, is the constant prayer of your dutiful son, VlLLIEllS SCROGGINS, y ,f V / , V v .V*" OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 85 1 'i r * \ 1 No. X. ^■1} ■ LETTER FROM A LAWYER's CLERK. Dear Saunders^ Notwithstanding father's having issued his 'ne exeat regno/ when I applied for ' leave to move/ here I am, safe and sound, "within the limits" of the Great Western, and bound "beyond sea." I assure you this ship is no " clausum " frigid, but as regular a " fiery facias " as you would desire to see, a perfect hot-hell, as the Scotch call it, or as they might with more propriety say, " an auld reeky," but what we of the Temple call an immense "Flotsam." As our "policy" is to go straight, and not "extra viam," there is little fear of a " deviation," and so I presume we shall have a short as well as a pleasant voyage. The * bar I try ' of the steward being covered by the ' Premium,' I will probably endeavour to illustrate the meaning of that term ere long ; at present, whatever I eat is * served ' with an immediate ' ejectment/ and Vl V t I A M «6 THE LETT£R.BAO i l.i although I am constantly in the habit of drinking, and desirous of ' taking the benefit of the act/ yet I do not find it, as I had fondly hoped and expected, * an act for quitting possession,* and I must say that in my present situation I much prefer ' a retainer ' to a ' re- fresher/ How often, dear Saunders, have I been tempted, in days bye-gone, to throw " Coke " into the fire, and I assure you it is quite delightful to see with how little ceremony they do it here. If the great text writer were on board with his bulky commentator, he would dislike * Coke upon Littleton ' as much as others do, and stand quite as good a chance of being floored as his juniors. Although we have no 'jury box,' we have a jury mast, and yet there is, I regret to say, no exemption from being often " impanelled,'' as nume- rous 'indentures' in my sides and *postea' bear Jjainful testimony.' You take your places here dj>po* site to your berths, but as 'the benchers' have di*opped off fast, there is rapid promotion towards the head of the saloon. As I was late, I am low down on the list, for they ' forestalled ' all the good places, by ' entering an appearance first,' and there is no changing* the 'venue* allowed here without consent, or in case of * non residencfe,' This 'rule is peremptory,' and, like poverty, brings you acquaintance with strange com- pany. There are many things I shall enter into my 'demurrer book' relative to the Accommodation on board of this ship, so that if ever I have 'a venire de novo' on board of her, I may be more comfortable. One of the first would be to move a "repeal of the . -\ ' OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 87 black act/' for I protest against African servants as strongly as a quaker does against slaves. Tliey are excessively disagreeable, and I shall serve Captain Claxton with a * notice of inquiry ' on this subject, and he may ^move to amend* if he thinks proper. As thmgs now stand, it is perfectly absurd for him to make de- clarations ' de bene esse,' and to state to the public that the committee are disposed to go any ' extent ia aid' of the passengers, when he suffers the cabin to be perfumed and the company poisoned by these oily- itchi-nous negroes. lie ought to be given to under- stand and indeed made * scire facias,' that, as we ' pay in' a large sum of money, there is ' no justification ' that can be pleaded, or any * cxhonoretur entered ' for any act of the steward or his partners ; in short, for nothing that happens on board, 'except under the Lords' act.' Another objection that I shall take, is to the facility with which people in the adjoining cabin, and 'visinage' have 'oyer' of all you say, and by 'suggesting breaches' in the 'partition,' may 'inspect*' your 'proceedings,' a 'recognisance' that is not very pleasant, especially as the object of all privacy is to avoid having 'nul tiel record' of your sayings and doings. Although no man is more reluctant than I am to ' take exceptions,' especially while * in transitu,' or more disposed to take things as I find them, yet, in justice to myself, I must have 'a certiorari' to remove such causes ' of complaint,^ as ' a teste ' of my being in earnest to prevent imposition. ' If the ques- tion can be put at all/ I should like to ask — and I ,' • - i > ■ I i M ■■U ,1 1 , Ml '. ' ':. lii: *;i) mh lift <1 III ij I ■; 11 88 THE LliTTEll-BAa think I have ' a right to put it ' — why the bread is so badly baked? When I complained of it to the steward, he had the insolence to reply that it was made soft intentionally for the use of the young 'John Does' on board, but that he * would strike me off the rolls ' if I did not like them ; and in case I preferred, what he understood few lawyers did, 'a consolidated action,' my ' daily allowance of bread ' should be toasted. It is natural I should feel crusty at such impertinence, and ' a stay of proceedings ' of this nature. Indeed I have grown so thin, I feel entitled to bring an action *on the case' against the captain — I shall have a * devastavit ' against the steward, for the wine is * flat, .' and the same may be said of the prints in the volume before us." — Examiner. " Of Mr. Grant's work it is impossible to speak in terms of sufficient approbation. The enlarged views, varied and accurate information on all topics of general interest, and the liberal and the enlightened tone of thinking that pervade the book, justly entitle him to rank among the most profound thinkers and suc- cessful writers of the present day. We cordially con- gratulate him on his eminent success, and the public on so valuable an addition to its literature. More we cannot say.'' — Satirist. "This is decidedly the best book ever written on America. — Sunday Times. "This work is entitled to a place by the side of Lord Durham's masterly report; higher praise it is impossible to accord." — Morning Chronicle, Then follow " the Beauties of Grant." How well it sounds ! Think of that. Master Mac. That — that — is fame. If you could get me made a member of some of the London Societies during my absence, it would be of great service to me. An F.R.S., or L.S., or G.S., after one's name in the title-page, looks well, and what you say then comes ex cathedra, as it were. You speak as a man having authority; you are a 'most potent grave and reverend signior,' and entitled to be heard among men. I would not mind the expense, if the thing could be managed, for the sake of the eclat m In 1.1 ,.'" ^:»;. m UVn ■IR' ' ' ' r -i^ ' )4 98 THE LETTER-BAG ■'''■li it would give me and my work, and for the pleasure, too, of letting all the world know the fact, as my volume, I hope, cannot fail to do. The last book on America is dedicated to the Queen, by special permission, and that alone is a feather in the author^s cap. A book that is inscribed in this formal manner, is supposed to be read at least by its patron. Now, although I have no pretensions to this honour, yet my views ought to make my book a favourite with the party whose cause I so strongly advocate, particularly that portion which demonstrates the necessity of conciliating rival sects by a total re- jection of the Bible from the common schools of the nation ; and I confess I shall entertain the hope that Lord B will interest himself to obtain for me the special permission of the Marquis of Loco Foco to dedicate my travels to him. His " imprimatur" is, I admit, no great advantage in a literary point of view, but politically it is of the first importance. It will give it " the Tower mark/* It will pass current then as lawful coin. And now, hurrah for the Pawnees, the Texians, and the Canadians, and Yankee-town ! and then for " Travels in the United States of America, the Texas, and British provinces, with minute and copious details of their geographical, political, moral, medical, and economical statistics, including anecdotes of dis- tinguished living characters, incidents of travel, and a description of the habits, feelings, and domestic life of the people." Illustrated by numerous drawings and OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 99 sketches taken on the spot by the author. By Gregory Grant, F.R.S., and M.L.S. Dedicated, by special permission, to the Marquis of Loco Foco. Here is the pilot on board ; all is bustle and con- fusion. God bless you, dear Mac, Don't forget the F.R.S. or some ^ther A.S.S. Society. Adieu. Yours always, Gregory Grant. tiip ' ''I i[ <::■,'■' ■«■*:• h 5 11 ill ■ 1 i i iK'f 1 1 : 1 ' ^ ' i R ■: ' ' -, > ■ w ■ B ' 1 H - B ' ^i , 1 100 THE LETTER-BAO No. XII. LETTER FROM A STOKER. Last nite as ever was in Bristul, Captain Claxton ired me for to go to Americka on board this steemer Big West un as a stoker, and them as foUored me all along the rode from Lunnun, may foller me there tuo if they liks, and be damned to em, and much good may it do them tuo, for priggin in England aint no sin in the States, were every man is free to do as he pleseth, and ax no uns lif neither, and wher there is no pelisse, nor constables, nor Fleets, nor Newgates, and no need of reforms. I couldn't sleep all nite for lafe- ing, when I thort ou theyd stare wen they card i was off, and tuck the plate of Lord Springfield off with me, and they looking all round Bristul, and ad their panes for there trouble. I havent wurk so ard sinse I rund away from farmer Doggins the nite he was noked off his orse and made to stand, and lost his purs of munny as he got fur his com, as I av sinse I listed for a stoker. OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 101 Ime blest if it arnt cruel ard wurlc ear. I wurks in the cole ole day and nite, a movin cole for the furniss, which never goes out, but burns for ever and ever; and there is no hair, it is so ot my mouth is eated, so that wat I drinks, smox and isses as if it wur a ort iron, and my flesh is as dry as ung beef, and the only conshola- tion I av is Ide a been ung beef in ernest if they ad a nabbed me afore I left Bristul, all owin to Bill Sawyer peach in on me. No wun would no me now, for I am as black as the ace of spades as was, and so is my shurt, and for clene shetes, how long wood they be clone and me in them, and my skin is cracked like roastid pig, when there be not fat enough to baste it, or yu to lazy to du it, which was often your case, and well you cort it for it tuo when I was out of sorts, which was enuf to vex a man as risked his life to get it ; and then my eyes is soar with dust as comes from the cole, and so stiff, I arent power to shute them, because they be so dry, and my mouth tasts sulfur always, as bad as them as go to the devil in earnest, as Sally Mander did. T have no peace at all, and will not be sorry when it's over; if i survive it, blow me if I will. I smells like roste beaf, and the rats cum smelling round me as if they'd like to ave a cut and cum agin, but they will find it a tuf business and no gravy, as the frenchman said who lived tuo hull weaks on his shuse, and dide wen he cum to the heles, which he said was rather tuo much, but i can't say I like their company a morsel more nor Bill SawyerseSj and' blast me if I donte be even with 'I I'll tl : % .1 .;l 'a; 1 1 1 1 ; Ml rii I'l K M ', 'l I % I' » \ i '! I' I ll 102 THE LETlflR-BAO him, if he comes to America, for that gud turn he did me in blowing on me for the silver, wich if he adnt dun, ide a bin living at my ease at ome with you, and may be married you, if you and the children ad behaved well, and showed yourselves wurthy of it ; as it is, i can't say whether we are to mete agin or not ; but I will rite to you when I lands the plate, and let you no what my prospect is in my line in New York. Then my shuse is baked so ard, they brake like pycrust, and my clothes wat with what cum'd out of me like rain at fust, and the steme that cums out like wise, which is oncredibill, and wat with the dust as cum out of the cole, is set like mortar, and as stiff as cement, and stand up of themselves as strate as a christian, so they do; and if I ad your and in my and it wood melt like butter, and you that is so soft wood run away liKe a candle with a thief in it ; so you are better off where you be than here till I cool down agin and come tuo ; for I'me blest if I woodn't sit a bed a fire, Fme so ort. This is orrid wurk for him as has more silver in his bag than arf the passengers as, and is used to do as little wurk as the best of them is. I've got urted in my cheek with a stone that busted arter it got red ort in the grate, and flew out with an exploshun like a busted biler; only I wish it had been water insted, for it would have been softer nor it was, for it was as ard as a cannun-ball ; it noked down to of my teeth, and then noked me down, and made a smell like searin a orses tail with red ort irn, which is the cause of its not bleed- OP THE GREAT WESTERN, 103 ing much, tho' it swelled as big as a turnip, which accas-huns me to keep wun eye shut, as it's no use to open it when its swelled all over it, for I can't sea. If that's the way pecpul was stoned to death, as I've eared when I was a boy, when there was profits in reli- gion, it must have been a painful end, as I no to my cost, who was most drowned holden my ed in a tub of water to squcnch the red ort stone, which made the water tuo ort to bear any longer, and when I tuked it out it was tuo much eated to old in my and. My feet also looks like a tin cullindur or a sifter full of small olcs, were the red ort sinders have burned into the bone. Them as node me wunce woodn't swear to me now^ with a ole in my face as big as my mouth, that I adn't afore, and too back teeth out, as I had afore, and my skin as black as ink, and my flesh like dride codfish, and my hare dride wite and frizzed with the eat like neager's, or goose fethers in ort ashes to make quills, and me able to drink a gallon of porter without wunce taking breth, and not fele it for ewaporation, and my skin so kivered with dust and grit, you could sharpen a knife on it, and my throte furred up like a ship's biler, and me that cood scarcely scroudge thro' a win- dur, that can now pass out of a kee ole, and not tear my clothes in the wards. Wun cumfit is, I was not see-sick, unless being sick of the see, for I have no licker in me, for watever I eat is baked into pot py and no gravy, which cums of the great eat in the fur- uiss, and burns raises no blisters, for they ain't any 1 1 • 1 1 . is., i\ I m i ■ 1'' . ■ •'*"' . ir-. i.'\! ■ ■ w - Sir ,. f.i r . i , K ■ jj , ■ ' ^ j; 1 11 I'Jft^'l 1 104 THE LETTER-BAO il % wattcT inside to make vvun, only Icves a mark, as the ort poker docs on the florc; and wen my turn ciims to sleap, it's iko longer trying this side and then that, and then rolling back agin, a trying and not being able, for thinking and talking, but sleep cums on afore I can ly down, and all the pellise at Bo street woodn't wake me no more than a corps, wen I am wuncc down in crncst. If I wasn't in a urry, I'd stick them up with working like a orse in the mail, that runs day and nite, and never stops. It woodn't be long afore I'de nock off a bolt, or skru, or nut, or sumthing of that kind, which ud cause them to let out steam and repair, which wood give half a day's rest to wun, but as it's the first and the last of my stokering, why the sunner ther is an end to it the better. No man cood identical me with a safe conshience, and no perjury, so if the yan- kees spend their munny as I av hurd till sinse I tuck passage, on their backs insted of carrying it in their pockets, i may return, after a short alibi, to you and the children, which will depend on ou you aul up in time, and keaps out of Low cumpany j that is, barring accidents, for there is no noing what may appen, for them as carrys booy nives behind the kapes of their cotes, and pistuls in their pockets, insted of pistoles, are ugly custumers, and a feller may find himself delivered of a mistake afore he noeth where he is, for they are apt to save the law a job are them nives, so they are, and Ide rather trust to a jug messing fire, or not hit- ting his man anytime to side-arras, for them big wigs OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 105 oftcncr anp; five than ang a man. They arc bad things them cut and thrusts, for both sides, as Tom Hodge used to my, " He who stabbetli with liis tunj;, is in no danger of being ung, but lie who stabbeth with his nife is damned apt to h)osc his own life." When you receive this litter, go to Blackfriars to the swimmers, and in the four foot of the bed, in the left room in the garrit as I used to use when bisnis called, you will find the same oiler as in yours bed stcd, and take the gold sneezer as is there, which will raise the wind, and be careful, as there is no noin* when we may meet, or whether I will av time to send you any Blunt or no, which will depend on how you conduct behind my back, i don't mene this by way of discouragement, but to int you arc too fond of drink, and keeping company with needy mizlers to kepe secrets for any wun without bringing him to the crap, and now that Fmc in another wurld I expect you will give lusc to your inwenshuns, which will be the ruin of you yet, as well as of them as has the pleasure of your ackwaintance, in wich case you don't car agin from me, and I luk for some wun as nose how to place a proper valy on advice when they gets it, which wasn't your case for sum tim gone. My present sitivashin as all cum of not noing ou to be silent, or bill Sawyer cudn't av ruined me in my busi- ness ; but never mind, it's a long lane that has no turn in it, as the chap sed to console himself in the tredmill. Remember me to Jim Spriggins, who is the primest ruffing cove I ever shared a swag with ; tell him Fme m ■m ■ ' i I ill mm « 1 IN 1 If ■ri ' i T i a ■ i i : » 1 fl . i 1 ■■ i: i^' 1 1 : '; ; 1 f I 1 ' H ■ 1 ■ ,' 1 1 1 106 THE LLTTER-BAG no transport, tho' Vm bound over the watter, for Frne just visiting furrin parts as the gents do on account of having lived too free at home, and that I ope to nap many a reader yet, if providence blesses our under- takings. So no more at present time from your loving friend. Bill Holmes. "'? OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 107 -, ^ : 'I I I ;. '11 < ''I No. XIII. letter from a stockholder op the great western to the secretary. Sir, I duly received your favour, under date of the 30th ult.,per Mr. Scribe the clerk, which came to hand at time of sailing, and note its contents. I notice your request that I should forward to you per first ship vi^ New* York, that leaves after our arrival, touching at aii English port, such suggestions and alterations as occur in a careful review of the fixtures, stock in hand, and miscellaneous articles on board, and have great pleasure in now executing your order, and hope that the manner will prove satisfactory. The first remark on the cata- logue I would offer, is upon the alarming preponder- ance of Americans on board, they being one moiety or half part of the assortment of passengers mentioned in the bills of lading of the live cargo, the balance being made up of foreigners, provincials, and English. In rm ; \ 108 THE LETTER'BAG the event of any sudden breaking out of hostilities, while on the passage, between the two nations, as was recently feared, the provincials might sympathise with Americans, who are troublesome customers ; and the Poles, I would stake my existence, as natural friends of liberty, having served an apprenticeship to the business, would side with them; and the French, from their known antipathy to what they call their antiquarian enemies the British, together with the steward and his body-guard, who arc all Africo- Americans, and whose home, if they can be said to have any who are in bondage abroad, is the United States, would be ditto,, and not neutral. Reinforced by this extensive additional supply of auxiliaries against us, they would be enabled to make a run upon the English captain and his brave countrymen the stokers, and perhaps Lynch them, and seize the steamer, which is too fast to be overtaken, and too strong to be retaken, or else T am much mis- taken. It is not easy to contemplate such a stoppage in our line without feelings of consternation and panic : and I submit it with all due deference to your honour- able board, for some premonitory measure that shall obviate such an alarming occurrence as a total loss. Yesterday, when we thought of making a deviation and putting into Halifax to ascertain whether Maine and New Brunswick had declared war, the Americans put us all into bodily fear that they would put us into con- finement, and make prisoners of us without ransom, and such fears should be removed by removing the moving cause. Another serious item, serious from the n OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 109 consequences as well as the magnitude, is that of the number of lights on board, whereby, not to mention waste, the safety of the ship, comprising a very exten- sive assortment of valuable articles not necessary to enumerate, and of the passengers is endangered, as well as of other vessels and passengers. We have now two actions pending at New York ap;ainst us, for the loss of two ships, that mistaking our immense volume of light for a lighthouse mentioned in the coast-book, steered accordingly, and were wrecked on the rocky shore, which in their vain-glorious, and boasting language, they call ' iroii bound.' I have suggested to Mr. Ogden, v»ho is the most eminent counsel in New York, whether ve might not plead or aver, that if the coast is ' iron bound,' it was magnetic attraction, and not excess of light, that caused them to be lost in the darkness of the night. If this idea prevails, it will -cure them of making a selection of such high-sounding words to denote ordinary things, and teach them to substitute facts for poetic fiction of imagination in transacting business. I consider there is great danger of fire, and prospect of immense sacrifice of entire stock, if the strictest regard to economy in the dis- tribution of it is not attended to; for although the fire of the engine falls into water, it would not be so easy to make water fall upon the fire ; and fire, as you used to say, sir, very forcibly and appropriately, is a bad master, though a good servant. I would, with your kind indulgence, obviate the danger to the premises, by refusing to supply the passengers individually with ! I K: ,.j m\ m. m ■to. ' ■■ ^- ! il (ft. ^ HI I I t I: if 110 THE LETTER-BAO a lamp or candle, or ignition of any kind, and order, that when they close the concern and shut up for the night to go to bed, they should be accompanied by a waiter, who should stand by them with a dark lantern in his hand, open for the men, but held behind him for the ladies. Premium of insurance would be re- duced by underwriters on the policy by this means, and brokerage saved also, as well as the amount of petty average of anxiety. As to the stock of provision on board, I would materially alter the assortment of solids and fluids. In this line I would mention the article of soda ; four thousand bottles of which were drank during the voyage, which is an immense consumption, notwith- standing the price at which it was laid in was un- rivalled for cheapness, on account of the liberal discount allowed for prompt pay. Such a quantity is injurious to the health, being a system of diet that lowers the system of body, occupies the time of the waiters in drawing corks, and is very expensive. It is called for chiefly among the Americans, who, I may say, are the only customers : and they order it by wholesale — their principle pleasure, I believe, arising from the explosion, resembling that of a rifle. But this is only another way of rifling your pockets, as they would serve your bodies ; I would order the con- signees at New York not to lay in so heavy a stock of the article, the very freight of which runs up to a considerable sum. I would have fewer sorts of dishes and of a better OF THE GREAT WESTERN. Ill sort, and fewer kinds of wines and of a better kind ; a great deal of meat is now wasted, besides what is put under the waist, in trying wliich they give a preference to. This makes the passengers sick, and keeps them with empty stomachs, ready to empty the dishes as well as the bottles. I humbly conceive this want of apportionment is bad economy, or rather no economy. I should prefer a selection of heavy wines, as less would do by fifty per cent. — it takes a vast deal of light wines to make a man light-headed, and weak wines a man may drink for a week, and feel no stronger for the stowage. One excellent expedient to prevent excessive drinking, would be to engage a doctor on reasonable terms, who could sing well : a good song and a long song between the glasses, prevents wasting liquid by its lien on the decanters ; and every turn of the bottle among one hundred and ten passengers, costs in exact computation one hundred and ten glasses of wine, which amounts to more than seven bottles, a heavy item in the account. There is, it appears to me, an advantageous opening here for an improvement. The article too should be imported direct, so as to save commissions and retail profits, and laid in at costs and charges only, to do business to advantage. I would observe, shipping charges at Bristol are too high, especially dockage, wharfage, lighterage, and primage ; and therefore laying in at New York is pre- ferable, and, to save custom-house expenses, everything should be included in one cockit. There should also be a leftenent on board, — I do not mean tenants that m ii,i '-' ill ■k 1 :i'lfl .;!! 112 THE LETTER-BAO > have left, for there are always plenty of them, but an officer so called, independent of the mates. This officer should have charge of the cabin, and the cabin charges, and of the passengers and their baggages, all of whom ought to be in his convoy. He should pre- side over the table, and relieve the captain of this department, who, never being brought up to this line of business, is unacquainted with particulars, although emulous to merit public approbation and patronage by assiduous attention. In addition to this, the captain is a ' chartist,^ and consequently not so well fitted for large assemblies. As to the decorations of the saloons, they are most costly, though the prime cost is not to be complained of, but they produce no return; the fabricks are elegant and of durable materials, and war- ranted of first quality, especially the drapery, which is of the newest pattern and fashion. They are now much damaged, and stand at the reduced value of remnants, especially the paintings. Now, although a mere daub €an never become a good picture, yet a fine painting may easily become a daub, as is proved on board of this vessel, for the servants are constantly rubbing their dirty hands on them. A touchy servant is the most dis- agreeable of all attendants ; and, although I detest one that is thievish, I make no objection at all to one that is light-fingered. I would intimate, therefore, as an addition to your orders, that there should be no more black servants, for it is obvious that a hand that is always black must be dirtier than one that is only t)Ccasionally so. Although there is no supper laid, yet, \ \ I „ I OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 113 judging from the quantity drunk, there are some tolerable suppers on board, and anchovies, sardines, and salt fish should be carefully excluded from the invoice, and considered contraband, as well as all provoking things. He who thirsts after drink soon becomes bloody thirsty, and is a dangerous customer. This is the more unsafe, because in these premises we are constantly kept in hot water. Another improvement would be, to remove the tube that runs the whole length of the cabin under the table, and answers no purpose but steaming calves* feet into jelly, and to place it on the table, where it might run counter to the dishes, and be useful in keeping the diimer warm, as well as to make articles show to advantage. I have no objection to cold meat, but I like hot soup, and fish that comes to table not warmed is out of " place ;*' and I like to hear young ladies' tongues chatter, but not their teeth. Two saloons would be better than one, and give more satisfaction, on an average, to those who favour us with their custom; for, though I admire a mob cap, I detest a mob of caps. The side-paths between the tables and the walls, being scant ell wide, are too narrow for two to pass and repass without trespassing on each other's feet. A lady told me to-day, she never knew before the pain of being " sir- passed ;" and though she had no objection to the " freedom of the press," she had great repugnance to a " press gang/' and had no idea of being " pressed on board ship." But the most beneficial alteration that ' / ,; -^ ,:i if ,^i ; 1 .1,! v * I 'M ii, , -.1 j i 6 S Si t M 114 THE LETTER-BAO (*« has occurred to me to make on board of the ship, so as to make it yield a good dividend to proprietors, and command an extensive run of patronage, would be to subject the passengers to animal magnetism. As soon as they come on board they should be put to sleep and disposed of, by being packed carefully into their re- spective beds, and left there as on shelves, until the steamer performs her voyage, when they could be all handed down, unanimal-magnetised, and sent ashore. It would save much that now swells up the account- current for the table and attendants, spare them the pain and suffering of sea-sickness, and prevent all noise and confusion. You could then afford to make a great reduction in the passage-money by this means, for a long voyage would be no more expensive, as far as the «abin disbursements are concerned, than a short one; and you could book double the number of iusides and. fill your way-bill up handsomely. A magnetiser would have to be employed, of known skill, so as to render advertising attractive and profitable. He should be a pupil of Dr. Elliotson, or some such distinguished man — a person in well-established business, well known to he nobility and gentry generally of his vicinity, and one in whom the public at large has great confidence. Whether so strong an assemblage of magnetic influ- ence would affect the compass deserves consideration^ and experimental trips should first be tried on the Thames and other places. For this invention you might obtain a patent^ and the Great Western would » - OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 115 ;o >n thereby have a monopoly in her line of business^ and defy all rival competition, by driving all others out of the field, or at least out of the sea. What a sea of trouble it would save ! what an era it would form in naval history ! what a blessing to man- kind ! crying children put to sleep — scolding wives set at rest — grumblers silenced— drunkards sobered — ^hun- gry people quieted — agitators calmed. The cabin would then be fitted up like a museum, every specimen marked, numbered, parcelled, and shelved, and order and regularity restored, while economy and comfort (the you tilly dull sea) would pervade the whole as- sortment. It is the best expedient I know of, to remedy all evils, and ensure lasting custom, and a safe invest- ment, for capital, as well as please principals. Trusting that the enumeration of items I have now the pleasure to forward, in executing your commission, will arrive save to hand and give satisfaction, I am, sir, respectfully, ' Your obedient servant, WiLLLiM Wisdom. ■it i '• \'-' Jr IS li^i ;..'-*Jii j lii ill r I 116 THE LETTER-BAG No. XIV. letter from a servant in search of a place. Dear Tummus, Curnel Rackitt having thort proper to stop sherry in the servants' hall, and give porter in sted, I give him warning that such improper conJ* \ct wouldn't do no longer, as I ad been always used to live with gentlemen, and to be treated as a footman oi-t ; and besides, livery I won't wear no longer for no man breathing. It arn't fit one man should wear bondage cloths to another man, and so I go to Amerika, where there is no such word as servant, but assistance and helps, and where talents is rewarded as it deserves, and there is no distinctions to be found. /I av engaged with captain Haltfront to help him durmg the voyage, and he is to pay my passage ; but I didn't engage not to be sea-sick, which of course I 37 thort proper to be, whenever he is on deck, which is not often, and consequently av nothing to do but eat and drink my allowance, which, thank God, I can do ■v:/ /" or THE GREAT WESTPRN. 117 if : ' very well, and he av the steward and ship's servants to wait upon him, which is enuf in all conscience without me. In Amerika, as I hear, servants is called misters, and wine and wcgetables being on table and the company handing dishes, helps has nothing to do but set down on cheers and read the papers, unless it be to change a plate now and agin, which is only performer like ; and is often taken into business, and marries into the family ; and, wearing no livery, can dine at hotels at public tables, if not on duty, and has money to pay for it. Little offences aint thort nothing of where public officers do the like, as I hear, and where munny is so plenty people make a forten sometimes by failing in business, which the steward says is not oncommon by no manner of means. Howsumever, I must say I pittees Miss Rackitt, CurnePs dorter, poor thing ! for she was unkimmon fond of me, that's a clear case, and would have absconded as quick as wink with me, if I had but thort proper to av sed the wurd ; but, being dependent upon her father, couldn't keep an establishment, which wouldn't do for me, as I couldn't afford to marry a poor girl, let her beautiful charms be ever so cun- spikious. I wunder who will tie on her clogs and squeze her ankles now 1 am gone, and a prettier foot and ankle there aint this day in all Lundun, tho* perhaps it don't become me to host of my nolegs in this pint. Her waiting wumman Jane, (you node Jane, ehe that had the fine black eyes,) well Jane was always 4 ' n in '-'I M 5 118 THE LETTER-DAO jealous of her, and I ad enuf to do, I can telly, to pacify her, inting to her it was all her hone immagina- tion, and that I wouldn't touch her mistress with a pair of tongs, and that hartificial flowers like she had no sweetness in them, like the real roses of her lips and cheeks; hut wimmen do find things out astonishing, and it aint easy to deceive them in matters of the art and eyes — tho* to my mind she aint no more to be compared to miss, than aider is to shampane. Indeed missus herself wouldn't av had no objections to go oflf neether, I can tell yaw, if I ad but consinted to lift up my hand and whistled, if it wam't for fear of the Curnel, for she tuk great notis of me, and was proper vexed when I giv warning, and told me herself I was a fool, and didn't no how to valy my place, and com- plained bitterly she was deceived in me; which she wouldn't av done at no rate, if she warn't cross at loosing me in such a sudden manner for ever; but I never did deceive her, nor give her no encouragement, on no occasion whatsumever, for I prefered miss by a great deal. Second and pieces of furniture isn't to my taste, by no manner of means, and if she ad pesisted in saying much more I should av told her so to her face, for I didn't like her ; she was old, wore false curls, and had sum teeth that wasn't her hone, and warn't at all fit for a fancy wummon for any young man like me. If ever I marrys for munny I must av good looks too, or I am off the bargain, that's flat. They has the ballad and universal sufferig, as I am informed, ia > - ' OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 119 Amci'ika, and I shall have a vote in course : but it's no use us I hear, for voting is considered low where it's so common, and there's no thanks where no one nose how you votes — so reform, it seems, is no great shakes arter all Lord John's flams about it. Public service I should much prefer to private, as I understand they gits eight dollars a day at a place they calls Washington, and great vails too, besides rising, if your tail is large like O'Connell's, who has the biggest in all Ireland, for I hear Stevenson, the Yankee minister, was only a public servant, and no better, and rose by his tail too, as our monkey used to hold on by his, and help himself up. I shall try my luck there, and if I gets upon the wurld, who nose but I may come back as a tatchy, or sum- thing of that sort, to England, some of these days, and show Curnel Rackitt what service in Amerika is. One think I av seen myself, an officer dine at our table at master's who ad seen service in his younger days himself, and was made as much of as if he had never stood behind a chair in his life, and so far from being ashamed of it, as some people as I nose of would be, boasted of it, which showed his sense. Poverty aint no sin or disgrace neither, and barbers* sons have riz afore now to be pears; whereas my real father, as I have heard said, is a reform member, a. id high up in office, tho' my mother had the misfortune to be a servant, which is more than sum can boast of, whose parents was low people on father's and mother's side both. If I was so fortenate as to muKC a forten by oiarriage, or ■'i ij i I m V 120 THE LETTER-BAG pablic service, or become a Curnel myself, which I hear is quite common in Amerika for servants to rise to be Cornels and even Generals sometimes, I would cum back in course to London to spend it, where life is certainly understood to be spent, and seemly and becoming a man of fortin; and theatres, and operas are open every nite, and andsum girls and good wine only wants the means, and perfessing reform opinions gives good interest. Breaking lamps, and driving over people on side-paths, and nocking down policemen, is easy learned, and so is not paying tradesmen's bills, and then running off with another man's wife would be worth while, it would make a person fashionable, and a great favorete with the wimmen. I have heard missus (or rather I should say Mrs. Rackitt) often call Markiss Blowhard a villain behind his back for his love affairs, and that he ort to be shut out of families, for too bad, and be as civil to him next day as if he was Archbishop of Canterberry; but wimmen always pretend to be shocked at what pleases them most, and carrying two faces aint confined to no station. Half seas over to Amerika makes me feel more nor half free already ; at all events I practises making free when hopportunity offers. Says the skipper to me one day, (he is a leftenant in the navy,) says he, "Are you captain Haltfront's servant ?" Without getting up, or touching bats, but setting at ease, says I, *' I didn't know he had a servant, sir." " Didn't know he had one, sir V* aaid he, " pray what the devil do you call Yourself, if /' ' i'-- A OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 121 S\t' ) 1 you are not bis servant?" "Why, sir," said I, cocking my head a one side, and trying to come Yankee over him, "he receives the Queen's pay, sir, and wears her regimentals ; he has an allowance for an assistant, which I receive, and wear her majesty's cockade too. We serves her Majesty, sir, and I am under the captain's command — do you take, sir?" " Why, you infernal, conceited rascal," said he, " if you were under my command, sir, instead of his, Ida let you no dam quick whose servant you were." " Ah, very like, sir/' said I, still keeping my seat, and crossing one leg over the other, free and easy, and swinging my foot, "very like, sir; but you don't happen to have that honour, and my passage money is paid to your masters, the owners of this boat, at Bristol, which happens to alter the case a bit. You can go, sir." " Go, sir !" said he ; " why, dam your eyes, sir, what do you mean ? do you want to be triced up, sir ?" and he walked away in a devil of a hurry, as if he was going to do something, but he didn't honour me again with his company. I have put up with a good deal in my time, Tummus, but I puts up with no more. No man calls me servant again unless at eight dollars a day as a public one, at Washington, or Van Buren, or Webster, or some of the large cities, where, as I here, no one lives, but every one passes thro', and don't no you again. If that don't do, some other line must. Wme, wimmen, and cigars is my motter ; and she what bids for me bids high, Tummus, or she don't c;- m ll "■'if t I 1 1 '<(■} ^ 1 '!' ^ :'l f I! 122 THE LETTER-BAG av the honour of helonging to the establishment of Your old companion and friend, KoBERT Cooper. P.S. When you write to me, write this way : A mister Mister Cooper, ' - Poste-restornte, ■ New Yorke, Amerika. ■ * ' M ' n '.h I don't no as I av spelt restomte rite or no, it's the French for let it stop in the office till called for. CurnePs letters, when he and me was on the continent travelling, had it on, and it looks knowing. The governess will tell you how to spell it, and you may kiss her for thanks, and get another kiss for change. Don't forget the two misters, for these little things marks the gentleman ; and it might do me good such letters coming to me, especially among females, whose cnriosity is always on the key veave, and takes such forrin-looking letters for Billy duxes, or assassinations of some fair one or another. If the governess would write the back of the letter herself it would be better, for then the hand-writing would be feminine gender, as Miss Rackitt used to call the Spanish lap-dog bitch. ' Yours again, R. G* ^«s«^ <* i u2 ?;'- m OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 123 No. XV. f v;TTE^ FROli A FRENCH PASSENGER TO HIS FRIEND in london. My dear Sare, I have vary mush pleasure to you inform I evakuate England on bord de Great Western on de 22nd ultimo, wid werry little vind and smooth vatare, and next day it dropt astarne and was lost to de view altogedare. I cannot tell if I speak de trut, I was soary to leave it behind me. De smooth watare did not long remain/ but soon became onraged and terri- fique, and I grew vary sick, and was brought to bed wid nausea and de acke in de head, where I was con- fined meself, and could not prevent for several days my being delivered of all I eat. Whatever I take I refuse, and what I swallow I throw away. All sweet is vary sour, and noting good likes my stomack. By and by I become round again and get up, and II ^'n 'Hi , liiii. 124 THE LETTEIl-BAO n den vate spectacles for de eyes de cabin gives, one hunder and ten passengare at de table at one and de same time, and no confusione but de confusione of de tongs. One ting on board of de steam-boat I vary much do admire — you are not troobled with wind. Blow which ever way he will, backward or forward, it is all de same as one, you go right by de head all de time. I find de English tonge vary tuff, and I am hard to understand it. De meaning of de words is so scat- tared, it is not easy for to gadare dem, all at de same time to chuse dat wot fits de best to de right place. Dere is " look out," which is to put out your head and to see ; and " look out," which is to haul in your head and not for to see, just contraire. To-day steward took hold of de sky-light, and said, '' Look out ;" well, I put up my head for to " look out," and he shut down de sash on it, and gave me a cut almost all over my face with pains of glass, and said, " Dat is not de way to ' look out,' you should have took your head in." Dat is beating de English into de head wid de devil to it likewise. It keeps me in de boiling watare all de time. "When I make in de English tong mistake, de company all laugh in my countenance, which is vary disagreeable and barbare, but to avoid consequence hostile, I join in de laugh meself, and bark out too at my own blundares, so loud as de loudest of dem all, but dere is no much pleasure in de practice; but when you shall find yourself in a Rome, you must do as it is done in de Rome. Polite- f OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 123 III! ./>^ i r ■ '4- 1 ness cannot be hoped hare on ship board, where dere of men are many kinds, for you cannot look to make a silk purse out of de ear of one big pig. De wedare has been vary onfair, and de sea so tall as a mountain, so that the glasses no more cannot stand up, nor de soup sit still in de plate, but slide about as on de ice when it is slippair, and roll over in one united states of confusione, passengare, dinnare, and all. We have one dreadful flare up every night in de cabin, which fill me vary full brim of fear, all de same as one light- house. What would become of us if we were to be burned in de watare wid fire, I do not know, so many peoples and so few gigs and boots to get in, and so great way off is de land. Candles, and lamps, and ceegars in every man's mouth widout nombre, and de furnace in de belly of de ship all burning at de same instant time, make it dangereuse every where, and though the captain order one general blow up of dem all at ten o'cloke, yet I vary mush fear some ondermined person like de English lawyer shall put de candle, not onder de bushel, but onder de bed. As de English shall be vary fond of fires in de night, burning barns and staks of hay and corn to produce one grand effect politique of reform, so T would take de libarty to send you one sketch image- natif of that horreable event, de burning of de Great Western in de sea, which will give you, I hope, much pleasure to see, as it do nie to prepare it for you wid pencil. When I was well, I spend my time vary nM i f w w^. 126 THE LETTER-BAO agreeable wid de ladies in de prominade on deck when de weather shall give leave^ and on making game at cards with snatches of musick, and in de evening in de sheets sketching de figures grotesque of the passengare estrangare, and in ventriloquism, which produce effect vary comique ; but de passage shall come over almost so fast as my illness was, which no give me much time for comepany. So soon as we will slip our cable at New York, I was land, and come visit de Yankee of New England — de Frenchman of Canada — de sauvage of de wood — de black of de Sout, and de backwoodsman wat shoot wit de rifle, in successione, and study de demo- cracy of de government. It is a country unique, I believe, with abundance of food philosophique for reflectione. If it is only no more as one-half so grand a conetry as de Americans on board was boast, it will be de finest conetry in de whole universe globe, for to all things they say splendid — magnifique— 8upt*rbe. Certain dey appear one people drole. Niagara is without dout one grand spectacle, but clomsy, widout shape or elegance, and not to be com- pared to the sublime water-works of Versailles, which is the bouquet of all, de first in de world. But to estrangares who was not visit France, and been so good fortunate as to see that grand artificial work of de great natione, Niagara may, perhaps, appear won- derful. So it is with Vesuve in like manner. In realita it fall vary far to be behind of de imaginatin if ■^ I :* '\ ■u. ^ '■ OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 127 , 's -I ''■1 'i-'Ji* '^ fire-works in the Champs de Mars, in de glorious days of July at Paris. He who is not seen dat city, my good sare, has seen just noting at all, where nature and art form one alliance, intimate, graceful, and unique. It is the one place only in the world for a man vot has taste, literaire, imaginatif, and gastro- nomique. What they can boast with truth goot right in Amerique, if dey only had de taste culinaire, which dey are so misfortunate as not for to be, is de grand reservoire, de great lakes, and immense rivares of fresh watare make for dat most delicate morceau, de frog, which I hear are in great abondance dere, and vary fine, sporting demselves, and singing night and day, like veritable birds, tho' the music is not so good ns de eat, which is fit for a king* I make to myself one promise, they shall compensate for a great deal of de miseraire in de table ; but at present I hear it is so much thrown away upon dem as pearls before de swine pigs, dey are so ignorant and barbare, as not even to know de dish but for make laugh. In England, also, is one vary great ting wanted in de educatione of de houses commons of de people, is to have de knowledge of de art to cook de fare, so to make it fit to eat for de palate and stomach, and what is more, to de pokeet, and to make de one half food dan the whole go furdare. Den you will hear of starving peoples again no more as before, which cannot be oderwise when more is consumed in waste in one day by ignorance, den shall render for de whole week ■<*; I ri i ■•It I 128 THE LETTER-BAO entire in coiisumptione necessaire. It is more better as cheaper ; and let goot cooking of de vitals last only for five year in de conetrey, it shall Mipe up de na- tionale debt, till it shall be no more seen, and noting remain. Wate else have enable France to support de army of Napoleon, or wate is called of occupation, which was of Prusse, and Russe, and Anglaise, when combined in round Paris, but de art to cook ? Or wate now hold up de grand militaire and navy, or defray de debt of de natione, which is not commer- ciale, nor manufacture, but de art to cook ? It is de single ting necessaire to jenerale happiness, riches, and health, and widout it man is no more as a savage, who was waste more as he eats, and eats more as a pig den human being. Lord Brougham (who is more distinguished for what goes out of his mout den what goes into it) have gone boast " de schoolmaster is abroad/' Vel, wate of all dat 7 De schoolmaster is not de right man aftare all ; but if will say *' de cook is abroad,'' den he shall speak sense for once onde- niable. De cook is de jentleman dat shall make von grand reform in de English natione more better as ballot, or universal sufferage, or de Lord John Russell, all in one pile heap up togedare. De John Bull vat is poor is so savage as a bloodhound — for why ? because he feeds on rau meet; de Chartist is wicked because his stomack is out of de order ; and so is de Radical vary cross and sour, because he is despeptic, bilious, and trobled wid wind ; and de rish man, wat you call Whig, go hang and drown himself for noting at all OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 129 but because his digestione is bad. Ah, my dear sare, my goot friend, de cook is de doctore — de statesman— de patriot ! Speak of educatione nationale, mon Dieu ! it is cooking nation ale vat you shall want ; and dis do put mind in me to go talk to de steward about de dinnair ; so I must have take de honore to subscribe to you, Myself, wid great respect. Your obedient servant, Faederick Faeliit* hi :^''r -In « r.i f . .31 A 'Si' 130 THE LETTER-BAQ I 'i > J ' 1 1 ' No. XV-.. letter from an old hand. My dear James, Just as I was embarking, I received your letter, requesting me to give you a full account of my voyage, and such hints as might be useful to you when you shall make the passage yourself. The first is unneces- sary, for there is nothing to tell. Every man is alike, every woman is alike (they are more alike than the men, too much of the devil in them,) every ship is alike, especially steam-ships, and the incidents of one voyage are common to all — " Facies non omnibus una, nee tamen diversa.'* The company usually consists of young officers join- ing regiments; talk, Gibraltar, Cape, Halifax, Horse Guards, promotion and sporting — of naval men; talk, insults to flag, foreign stations, crack frigates, round stems, old admiral — of speculators; talk, cotton, to- bacco, flour — of provincials : talk, Durham, Head, OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 131 i 'I [1 1- > e IS le i- le ^, id 3- Colborne, Poulett Thompson — of travellers ; talk, Mis- sissippi, Niagara, Mahonc Bay— of women ; talk, head- ache, amusements, and nonsense about Byron — of Yankees; talk. Loco Foco's go-ahead, dollars — of manufacturers; talk, steam, factors and machinery — of blockheads, who chatter like monkeys about every- thing. The incidents are common to all ; fall on the deck — wet through — very sick — bad wine — cold din- ner — rough weather — shipt a sea, and a tureen of soup — spoke to a ship, but couldn't hear — saw a whale, but so far off, only a black line — feel sulky. There is nothing, therefore, to tell you but what has been told a thousand times, and never was worth telling once ; but there are a few maxims worth knowing. 1st. Call steward, inquire the number of your cabin; he will tell you it is No. 1, perhaps. Ah, very true, steward ; here is half a sovereign to begin with ; don't forget it is No. 1. This is the beginning of the voy- age, I shall not forget the end of it. He never does lose sight of No. 1, and you continue to be No. 1 ever after; — best dish at dinner, by accident, is always placed before you, best attendance behind you, and so on. You can never say with the poor devil that was henpecked, " The first or the tea and the last of the coff-ee for poor Jerr-y.'' — / always do this. 2nd. If you are to have a chum, take a young one, and you can have your own way by breaking him in yourself. — / always do. 3rd. If the berths are over each other, let the young fellow climb, and do you take the lowest one; it is K 2 ''.I ■'if '• 1.1 132 TUE LETTER-DAO better he should break his neck than you. — / always do, 4th. All the luggage not required for immediate use is marked "below." Don't mark yours at all, and you have it all in your own cabin, where you know where to find it when you want it. It is not then squeezed to death by a hundred tons of trunks. If you have not room in your cabin for it all, hint to your young chum he has too much baggage, and some of it must go " below." — / always do* 5th. Don't talk French, it brings all those chatter- ing, grimacing fellows about you. — / never do, 6th. Make no acquaintance with women, on many accounts ; first, they have no business on board ; and secondly^ they are too troublesome. — / never do, 7th. Never speak to a child, or you can't get clear of the nasty little lap- dog- thing ever afterwards. — / never do. 8th. Always judge your fellow passengers to be the opposite of what they strive to appear to be. For in- stance, a mihtary man is not quarrelsome, for no man doubts his courage ; a snob is. A clergyman is not over strait-laced, for his piety is not questioned, — but a cheat is. A lawyer is not apt to be argumentative ; but an actor is. A woman that is all smiles and graces is a vixen at heart ; snakes fascinate. A stranger that is obsequious, and over civil without apparent cause, is treacherous ; cats that purr are apt to bite and scratch like the devil. Pride is one thing, assumption is another the latter must always get the cold shoulder^ OP THE OnEAT WESTERN. 133 for whoever shows it is no gentleman; men never aflfect to be what they arc, l)ut what they are not. The only man who really is what he appears to be, is — a gentleman. — / always judge thus, 9th. Keep no money in your pockets ; when your clothes are brushed in the morning, it is apt — ahem — to fall out. — / never do, 10th. At table see what wine the captain drinks ; it is not the worst. — / always do, 11th. Never be *' at home" on any subject to stupid fellows, they won't " call again." — / never am, 12th. Never discuss religion or politics with those who hold opinions opposite to yours ; they are subjects that heat in handling until they burn your fingers. Never talk learnedly on topics you know, it makes people afraid of you. Never talk on subjects you don't know, it makes people despise you. Never argue, no man is worth the trouble of com incing ; and the better you reason, the more obstinate people become. Never pun on a man's words, it is as bad as spitting in his face 'f in short, whenever practicable, let others per- form, and do you look on. A seat in the dress-circle is preferable to a part in the play. — This is my rule. 13th, Be always civil, and no one will wish to be rude to you; be ceremonious, and people cannot if they would. Impertinence seldom honours you with a visit without an invitation — at least / always find it so, 14th. Never sit opposite a carving dish; there is not time for doing pretty. — / never do. H ill i 1 j^iiT':' 134 THE LETTER-BAO : If: 15th. Never take a place opposite a newly-married couple. It is a great many things — tiresome, tanta- lising, disgusting, and so on. — / never do, 16th. Never sit near a subordinate officer of the ship; they are always the worst served, and are too much at home to be agreeable. — / never do, 17th. Never play at cards. Some people know too little for your temper, and others too much for your packet. — I never do, irjth. There is one person to whom you should be most attentive and obliging, and even anticipate his wants. His comfort shonld be made paramount to every other consideration, namely, yourself. — / always do. There are many other corollaries from these maxims, which a little reflection will suggest to you ; but it is a rule never to write a long letter. — / never do. Yours always, John Stages. ' •• >: 'M OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 135 'I (. ! iVit No. XVII. FROM AN AMERICAN CITIZEN TO HIS FRIEND AT BANGOR. Dear Ichabod, As I shall cut off to Harrisburg, Pa. to-morrow as soon as I land, and then proceed to Pittsville, Ma. I write you these few lines to inform you of the state of things in general, and the markets in parti- cular. Rice is riz, tho' the tobacco market looks black ; cotton is lighter, and some brilliant specs have been made in oil. Pots hang heavy in hand, and pearls is dull. Tampico fustic is moderate, and cam- peachy a 37 50-4 mos. Whalebone continues firm. Few transactions have taken place in bar or pig, and iron generally is heavy. Hung dried Chili remain high, but Santa Marthas are fiat. The banks and large houses look for specie, but long paper still passes in the hands of individuals and little houses in the city. This is all the news and last advices. But^ dear Ich^ m m iiM ;![' I^l^uii*-* ~ 136 THE LETTER-BAO t I! ni u what on airth are we coming to, and how will our free and enlightened bear the inspection brand abroad ? "Will not our name decline in foreign markets ? The pilot has just come on board, and intimated that the vice-president, the second officer of this first of countries, was not received with due honour at New York. He says that the common council could not ask him to thread an agrarian band of Fanny Wright men, Offin men, Ming men, and all other sorts of men but respectable men, for he would have had to en- counter a slough of Loco-Focoism, that no decent man would wade thro'. It is scarcely credible that so discreditable an event should occur in this empire city, but it is the blessed fruit of that cussed tree of Van Burenism, which is rotten before it is ripe, and, unlike other poisonous fruit, is not even attractive in outward appearance, but looks bad, tastes bad, and operates bad, and, in short, is bad altogether. But of all the most appalling information I have received per this channel was that of the formation of twenty-four new hose companies. " What," said I, " twenty-four new hose companies ? is the stocking business going ahead ? Is it to cover the naked feet of the shoeless Irish and Scotch and English paupers, that cover with uncovered legs like locusts this happy land, or is it for foreign markets ? Where does the capital come from ? Is it a spec, or has it a bottom V* " No," said he, shaking his head, " it is a dark job of the new lights, the Loco-Eocos. To carry the election of chief engineer of the firemen, they have created twenty-fou^r OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 137 new companies of firemen, called hose companies, which has damped the fire and extinguished the last spark of hope of all true patriots. It has thrown cold water on the old fire companies, who will sooner resign than thus be inundated. This is the way the radicals of England wanted to swamp the House of Lords by creating a new batch of Peers baked at once, tho' the persons for Peers were only half-baked or under- done, but they did not and were not allowed to glut the market that way. How is it this stale trick should become fresh and succeed here in this enlightened land, this abode of freemen, this seat of purity, and pass current wHhout one solid genuine ingredient of true metal ? It is a base trick, a barefaced imposition, a high-handed and unconstitutional measure. It is a paltry manoeuvre to swindle the firemen out of their right of election. Yes, Ich, the firemen are swamped, and the sun of liberty has gone down angry, ex- tinguished in the waters of popular delusion. Then, for heaven's sake, look at Vixburg. Everything looks worse and worse there ; in several of the counties they have quashed all the bonds, in some there are no courts, in others the sherifi's pocket the money and refuse to shell out to any one. In one instance a man tried for the murder of his wife, escaped because he was convicted of manslaughter; and in another, a person indicted for stealing a pig, got off because it was a chote. They ring the noses of the judges instead of the pigs. From cutting each other up in the paper with pens, they no\» cut each other up in the streets \ !, 'h i ': i m h )fi 6-li'. n'-ii " ''If 138 THE LETTER-BAG with bowie knives, and, in my opinion, will soon eat one another like savages, for backbiting has become quite common. The constitution has received a pretty considerable tarnation shock, that's a fact. Van Burenism and Sub-Treasuryism have triumphed, the Whig cause has gained nothing but funeral honours and a hasty burial below low-water mark. In England, Biddle retiring from the bank has affected the cotton trade and shook it to its centre. They say, if it paid well, why did he pay himself off? If it was a loosing concern, it was a loss to lose him, but all are at a loss to know the reason of his withdrawing. I own I fear he is playing the game of fast and loose. The breaking of that bank would affect the banks of the Mississippi as well as the Ohio, and the country would be inundated with bad paper, the natural result of his paper war with Jackson, the undamming by the ad- ministration of the specie dammed up by him for 80 long a period. Damn them all, I say. However, Ich, if we have made a losing concern of it, the English have got their per contra sheet showing a balance against them too. They are going to lose Canada, see if they aint, as sure as a gun ; and if they do, I guess we know where to find it, without any great search after it either. I didn't think myself it was so far gone goose with them, or the fat in the fire half so bad, until I read Lord Durham's report ; but he says, "My experience leaves no doubt on my mind, that an invading American army might rely upon the co-operation of almost the entire French population of ^s OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 13a Lower Canada." Did you ever hear the like of that, Ich? By gosh, but it was worth while to pubhsh that, wasn't it ? Now, after such an invitation as that, coming from such a quarter too, if our folks don't go in and take it, they ought to be kicked clean away to the other side of sun down, hang me if they hadn't ought. Its enough to make a cat sick, too, to hear them Goneys to Canada, talk about responsible Govern- ment, cuss me if it aint. They don't know what they are jawing about, them fellows, that's a fact. I should like to know what's the use of mob responsi- bility when our most responsible treasures fobbed five millions of dollars lately of the public money, without winking. — Where are they now ? Why, some on em is in France going the whole figure, and the other rascals at home snapping the fingers of one hand at the people, and gingling their own specie at them with the fingers of the other hand, as sarcy as the devil. Only belong to the majority, and you are as safe as a thief in a mill. They'll carry you thro' the mire at a round trot, as stiif as a pedlar's horse. It's well enough to boast, Ich, of our constituturs afore strangers, and particularly afore them colony chaps, because it may do good ; but I hope I may be most pittikilarly cussed if I wouldnt undertake to drive a stage-coach and four horses thro most any part of it at full gallop ! — Responsibility I what infernal nonsense; show me one of all our public defaulters that deserved hanging, that ever got his due, and then I'll believe the word has got some meaning in it. But the British ':■ j'V If! " 1 '^iil'^ rt . I' i .r--i a« 140 THE LETTER-BAG V' are fools, that's a fact, always was fools, and always will be fools to the end of the chapter; and them are colonists arnt much better, I hope I may be shot if they are. The devil help them all, I say, till we are ready for them, and then let them look out for squalls, that's all. Lord, if they was to invade us as our folks did them, and we was to catch them, weed serve them as Old Hickory did Ambristher and Arbuthonot, down there to Florida line, hang em up like onions a dozen on a rope. I guess they won't try them capers with, us ; they know a trick worth two of that, I'me athink- ing. T suppose you've heard the French took a pilot out of a British gun-brig ; when called upon for ex- planation, they said they took this man-of-war for a merchantman. No great of a compliment that, was it ? but John Bull swallowed it all, though he made awful wry faces in getting it down. As our minister said, suppose they did make such a blunder, what right had they to take him out of a merchantman at all ? and if it was a mistake, why didn't they take him back again when they found out their error ? He was such an everlastin overbearin crittur himself in years past was John Bull, it does one good to see him humbled, and faith he gets more kicks than coppers now. It appears to me they wouldn't have dared to have done that to us, don't it to you ? Then they took one of their crack steam frigates for a Mexican. Lord, that was another compliment, and they let drive into her and played the very devil. Nothing but another mistake agin, says Bullfrog, upon my vird and onare vary soary, but I OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 141 did not know you, my goot friend; no, I did not indeed — I took you for de miserable Mexican — you very much altared from de old time what went before — vary. It was lucky for Johnny Croppo, our Gineral Jackson hadn't the helm of state, or he'd a taught them diflferent guess manners, I'm a thinking. If they had dared to venture that sort of work to us in Old Hickory's time, I hope I may be skinned alive by wild cats if he wouldn't have blowed every cussed craft they have out of the water. Lord, Ich, he'd a sneezed them out, cuss me if he wouldn't. There is no mistake, in Old Hick, I tell you. If he isn't clear grit-ginger to the back-bone — tough as whitleather, and spunky as a bull dog, it's a pity, that's all. I must say, at present, our citizens are treated with great respect abroad. His excellency the honble. the governor of the state off Quimbagog lives at St. Jimses, and often dines at the palace. When they go to dinner, he carries the Queen, and Melbourne carries Dutchess Kent. Him and the Queen were considerably shy at first, but they soon got sociable, and are quite thick now. He told the company there was a town to home called Vixburg, after — (Melburne says ahem ! as a hint not to go too far — Governor winks as much as to say, no fear, I take you, my boy,) so called from Vix, scarcely, and burg, a city, which place had become famous throughout America for its respect for the laws, and that many people thought there was a growing resemblance between England and it. Melbourne seed the bam, end looked proper vexed; and to turn the conversa- 'i i. m S,„ I l> I 142 THE LETTER-BAG i I. tion, said, " Shall I have the honor to take wine with your Excellency Mister Governor of the State of Quim- bagog in America, but now a guest of her most gracious majesty ?" They say he always calls it an honor when he asks him and pays him the respect to give him all his titles, and when he asks other folks, he says " pleasure,'* and just nods his head. That's gratifying now, aint it ? The truth is, we stand letter A. No. 1 abroad, and for no other reason than this — the British can whip all the world, and we can whip the British. When you write to England, if you speak of this ship, you must call her the Great Western Steamerj or it may lead to trouble ; for there are two Great Westerns — this here ship, and one of the great men ; and they won't know which you mean. Many mistakes have happened already, and parcels are constantly sent to his address in that way, that are intended for America. The fact is, there is some truth in the re- semblance. Both their trips cost more money than they were worth. Both raised greater expectations than they have fulfilled. Both returned a plaguy sight quicker than they went out ; and between you and me and the post, both are inconveniently big, and have more smoke than power. As soon as I arrange my business at Pittsville, I shall streak it off for Maine, like lightning, for I am in an everlasting almighty hurry, I tell you; and hoping to see you well and stirring, and as hearty as brandy, I am, dear Ich, yours faithfully, Elnathan Card. r>. •-4 OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 143 P.S. Keep dark. If you have a rael right down clipper of a horse in your stable, a doing of nothing, couldn't you jist whip over to Portland on the 20th, to meet me, in your waggon ? If you could, I can put you up to a thing about oil ; in which, I think, we could make a considerable of a decent spec, and w^ork it so as to turn a few thousand dollars slick. Gineral Corncob will accommodate ua at the bank with what we want; for it was me helped him over the fence when he was nonplushed last election for senator by the democratic republicans, and he must be a most superfine infernal rascal if he turns stag on me now. Chew on it, at any right, and if you have a mind to go snacks, why jist make an arrand for something or another to the Bay, to draw the wool over folkes eyes, and come on the sly, and you will go back heavier, I guess, than you came by a plaguy long chalk — that's a fact. Yours, E. C. y r ^'' J ,v,» 1^ ,(»/ i ;a V it" \r' 41^ %■ r r. t r * I'M 1 •: J 'ft :!. ,i I ; f \m » / h !i 144 THE L£TT£R-BAO ' No. XVIII. LETTER EROM ELIZABETH FI6G TO JOHN BUGGINI. Dear Brother, I never will believe nothing I hear till I see it — never. We are now in sight of America, which riz out of the sea this morning afore breakfast, and is nothing bit a blue spec after all, and no bigger than a common hill ; and yet this is the land they say is so large that you have to travel through it by water. But this is the way strangers are always deceived by tra- vellers* stories, that you don't know how much to set down fabulous, and how much to give credit to. I arrived in due course by coach at Bristol, the same day at night that I left London, and was picked up out of the bush by a cabman, who took me to the stairs ; but he was a villain, like many more that I could name at Bristol, as well as at other places. Says he, '' Is it a tsingle fair V " No,'' says I, " I am married to John Figg this seven years." Says he, " I mean, is there mi OP THE GREAT WESTERN, 145 any more to be took in?'' "No/' said I, "I hope not — and I trust yon are not agoing for to take me in, arc you V — with that, he shot too the door with a grin, and got up on the box, and I heard him say, "She is a rum one that, that's scrtain." When wc got to Clifton he made me pay ten shillings. I wish you would see to it. He is a stout man, with a red face, and you'll know him by his waistcoat, which is red too. After that I took a voyage down the river to where the Great Western stood waiting for us — but gracious powers ! it was a floating station for a railway. Such a confusion no one did ever see. I was told, when I came on board, I should see a palace all fit for the queen — so elegant and so clean — the wood all gilding, and the moreens all silk, and the rooms all state- rooms — and as for liquor, nothing but hoe and sham- pain would go down — and everything you could think of, besides ever so much you never dreamed of all your life, all provided for your reception; and the only objection was, the voyage was so short you got but little use of it for your money. Well I never ! — if it aint horrid to hoax people in that way, I declare ; but let them Bristol quakers alone for sly ones, I say : but I'll not get before my story — you shall see for yourself how far things come up to the mark or not. I have been wretched uncomfortable in this steamer ; for what in the world is the use of all the gilding, and carving, and pictures, and splendour that ever was to you, when yoix are sick at the stomack ? Our cabiu ■ft ^ ;* 146 THE LETTER-BAG ■ ^ ■'■■ has two boxes in it called births ; tho coffins would be nearer the thing, for you think more of your other end at sea a great deal. One of these is situated over the other like two shelves, and these two together make what they call a state-room. What would they think at the real palace of such a state-room as this — of just a closet and no more, for the queen and her mother to sleep in — and no dressing-room, nor nothing — but you shall hear all. My birth is the uppermost one, and I have to climb up to it, putting one foot on the lower one, and the other away out on the washhand-stand, which is a great stretch, and makes it very straining — then I lift one knee on the birth, and roll in sideways. This is very inconvenient to a woman of my size, and very dangerous. Last night I put my foot on Mrs. Brown's face, as she laid asleep close to the edge of the lower one, and nearly put out her eye ; and I have torn all the skin off my knees, and then I have a large black spot where I have been hurt, and my head is swelled. To dismount is another feat of horsemanship only fit for a sailor. You can't sit up for the floor overhead ; so you have to turn round, and roll your legs out first, and then hold on till you touch bottom somewhere, and then let yourself down upright. It is dreadful work, and not very decent for a delicate female, if the steward happens to come in when you are in the act this way. I don't know which is hardest, to get in or get out a birth — both are the most difficultest things in the world, and I shall be glad when I am done with it. I am obligated to dress I ' I ■ I OF TUE GREAT WESTEllN. 14'; I in bed afore I leave it, and nobody that hasn't tried to put on their clothes lying down, can tell what a task it is. Lacing stays behind your back, and you on your face nearly smothered in the bedclothes, and feeling for the eyelet-hole with one hand, and trying to put the tog in with the other, while you are rolling about from side to side, is no laughing matter. Yes- terday I fastened on the pillow to my bustle by mistake in the hurry, and never knew it till people laughed, and said the sea agreed with me, I had grown so fat: but putting on stockings is the worst, for there aint room to stoop forward; so you have to bring your foot to you, and stretching out on youi back, lift up your leg till you can reach it, and then drag it on. Corpulent people can^t do this so easy, I can tell you. It always gives rac the cramp, and takes away my breath. You would pity me, if you could conceive, John; but you can^t — no, nobody but a woman can tell what a female suffers being confined in a birth at sea. Then I get nothing hardly to eat, for I sit between a German and a Frenchman, and if I ask one to help me, he says, "Neat for stain,'* wliicli means, I am afraid to dirt my fingers ; and the other keeps saying "Je non ton Pa," I aint your father ; and when I call steward, he says, " Yes, mame, coming directly,^^ and he never comes at all. Then the doctor says, " Mrs. Figg, what will you take ? is there anything I can give you ?" lie says this every day at dinner, and it kills me the very idea ; at last I said to him, "Do pray, doctor, don't mention it, I L 2 k W, ' I.! '> •, 148 THE LETTER-BAO M ? •n am sick enough already, and you really turn my Btomach/' O John ! I suffers more than mortal can imagine. The biscuit is as hard as a Dutch tile, and it is easier to crack a tooth than to crack that ; but may be it is only my weakness, and the vinegar tastes sweeter to me than the wine, but perhaps that's all owing to the sourness of my stomach. Indeed it's little that goes down my throat, which seems to be turned upside down, and acts the other way. If all the passengers are like me, the captain will have a profitable voyage of it, I am sure, for I can neither eat nor drink anything ; and what I live on, gracious only knows, for I don't. We have had a terrific gale ever since we left, and the motion is dreadful. You never see anything like the sea when it's fairly up, it's like a galloping boil, it froths and rolls over, and car- ries on tremendous. Sometimes it pitches into the vessel, and sometimes the vessel pitches into it, and sometimes they both pitch together, and then words is wanting to paint it out in true colours. At such times the trunks slide about the floor, as if they was on the ice, and it is as much as your legs is worth to be among them a minute. Everything I have is either wet or torn ; my new silk bonnet is all ssruntched flat, by Mrs. Brown falling down on it, and what's worse is to have my bumbeseen looking no better than the cook's, it has got all soiled, and a great spot on it that I can't get off, do what I will. The place under- neath is very hot, and the air so lonj? confined that very ^omes from there aint pleasant at all, it makes me feel i \ OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 149 (1 irery frail. But that aint the worst of it ; the doors are all painted so beautiful, and look so romantic, that they didnH like to number them for fear of spoiling the pictures on them, and it aint very easy to tell which is which, or whose is whose, and there is a great German officer always opening my door by mistake, and sometimes wont be convinced till he looks into my face ; and then its, " Oh ! I pegs porton, madam, I too indeed, I mishtookt it for mine own, so I tid.'' It frightens me so, I am afraid to do anything amost for fear of his great whiskered face come popping in upon me. It is a dreadful life, dear John; no one knows what it is but them that's tried it, and them too that's sea-sick and is females. The partitions, too. are so very thin, you can hear all kinds of noises just as plain as if it was in the same room, which is very inconvenient and disagreeable. My next neighbour is a Frenchman ; he is very ill, and is always calling some Jew or another that never comes. It is pitiable to hear him crying all day, " mon Jew, mon Jew !'* Sometimes, just as I feel exhausted and quiet from weakness, he begins reaching so dreadful, that it sets me off again, and I think I shall never stop ; and as for the steward, as there is no bells and he is a mile off, you might as well call from Dover to Calais, and expect to be heard; and if you catch a glimpse of another servant, he says, " Yes, marm," and you never see him again, or if you do, you don't know him, they are so numerous, and being Mullattoes you can't tell them apart. The black girls or 'jets does,' as the W ".'li I,-: Mv'. W^f ill' ■ ' 'it': ~ If I II J ^ 150 THE LETTER-BAO French call them, are so busy they do nothing at all but chase each other round and round. You want a gentleman at sea very much, more than anywhere else, and if poor Mr. Figg hadn't unfortunately had to leave England rather unexpectedly, I shouldn't have been in jjch primminary as I am. You aint much better off on deck, for when the ship pitches or rolls, you are apt to loose your stool, and whatever happens at sea, either from a fall or getting in a spree, every body laughs. There is no symphony here for no one, and politeness is not the order of the day when people are not invited for company, but pay their way, and no thanks to any one. How times is altered with me since I was a belle, and all Hackney rung with my name and fortin, and it was whose arm I should take, and who should be the happy man, and smile was too much pay for any trouble, or ratherwhen trouble was a pleasure. Bumpers didn't mean what bumpers do now, and running bumn agin you, and most knocking you over, is a very • ifferent thing from having your health drank in toast, the men all standing and unkivered, and having it done when- ever opportunity offered. But men aint what men was, and a steamer aint a corporation ball, tho' they do call it a palace, nor nothing like it; and altho' I am no longer Betsey Buggins that was, yet I am not much altered, unless it be Fm a little more '*om bum point" than I was, which some people say is more becoming. Besides, being married looks as of no more consequence than dress, unless it should be my M i Lif OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 151 fortune to marry agin, which Mr. Figg's declining health, I fear, renders not impossible, if ever I could bring myself to think of another, which ahit probable. But poor Figg is greatly changed, and enjoys very bad health ; he aint the same man he was, and has fell away to nothing until he is a mere atomy. But I trust in Providence, if yellow fever don't do for him, change of air will. Hoping this will find you in good health and. spirits, I am, dear John, ^ Your faithful servant, Elizabeth Figq^ P.S. — If you see Mrs. Hobbs, tell her I am much^ beholden to her for her kindness, on saying Mr. Figg and me left England surreptitious, on account of a de- rangement of affairs, but ill health of Mr. Figg, from being kept at it from morning to night, was the sole cause; for, thank goodness, we can return when we please at any moment and enjoy ourselves, if he was only as able as he once was in bodily strength. As far as means goes we have it, and enough to spare to pur- chase her and Mr. Hobbs out any day, and set them up again, and not miss it. I most wonder some people aint ashamed to show their red faces, when it's well known that water never causes red noses ; but I scorn to retaliate on people that's given to such low habits, only some folks had better see the brandy blossoms on their own faces before they find beams in other people's ■;h I n ■■j^ig^y' 152 THE LETTER-BAG characters. 1 hate such deceitful wretches as is so civil to your face, and the moment your back is turned find nothing too bad to say of you ; but she is not worth breathy and that's the truth* E. TiGo. \ I ■i i( if it OF THE OREAT WESTERN. 153 ^'1 No. XIX. LETTER FROM THE SOX OP A PASSENGER. Dear Bob, Guess where I am, my boy. Do you give it up ? Well, I am on board the Great Western — I am, upon my soul. Father has gone to America, to take Bill, the Ceylon Missionary boy, home to his friends, and I am off with him in this steamer, and it's hurrah for Yankee town, and the Lord knows where all ... . It*s as good fun as a fair, and there is such a crowd all the time, you can do just what you please, and no one find you out. Sliding on the wet deck above the saloon, when the passengers are at dinner, makes it nice and slippery, and when they come up, not thinking of slides or anything of the kind, away they go, head over heels, all in a heap, such screaming among the girls, a showing of their legs, and such damning among the men about greasy decks, you never heard. Then . dropping a piece of orange-peel before a Frenchman, . I. ^^i^^r^v I ■! . m\ 1 '^ ' w 1 1 p 1 ' 1 » i f ^ 1 154 THE LETTER-BAG when he goes prancing about the deck, sends him fly- ing a yard or so, till he comes on all fours, where he wallops about like a fish just caught. But the best fun is putting shot under the feet of the camp stools, when nobody is looking; it makes the women kick up their heels like donkeys I have to give my old governor a wide berth, for he owes me a thrashing, but he is lame and can't catch me. He is proper vexed. I stole a leaf out of his sermon last Sunday, and when he came to the gap he stopt, and first looked ahead and then back again, and at last had to take a running leap over it. My eyes, what a laugh there was ! The last words was " the beauty," and the next page began " of the devil and all his works." He coughed and stammered and blew his nose, and then coloured up as red as a herring, and gave me a look as much as to say, " You'll catch it for this, my boy, I know;" but there is one good thing about the old man, too, he don't carry a grudge long. When he came back to his cabin, says he to the Ceylon boy, " William," says he, "these passengers behave very ill, very ill indeed ; what made them laugh so when I was going into the cabin and coming out again ? They must be very loose people t ) behave in this unhandsome man- ner. It is very unbecoming. What were they laugh- ing at, do you know ?" " At the white shirts of the negroes," says I, winking to Bill ; but confound him, he wouldn't take a hint. "I believe it was this, sir," said Bill, who was always a spooney, taking up the back of his gown, and showing him a card I took ■ ! OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 155 off one of the boxes and stuck there, " This side up, to be kept dry." But the greatest fun I have had is with an old German, named Lybolt, of Philadelphia or Pensylvania, or some such place in the States. He sleeps next berth to us. Well, I goes and picks out a piece of putty in the partition just near his head, and when he is fast asleep snoring, lets drive a squirt full of water right into his face and mouth. " mine Cot, mine Cot !" the old fellow sings out, " varte a leake dat is, I am all vet, so I am most trowned in my ped — steward, do kome here, steward." Well the steward comes, and he can't find the leak, for in the mean time I claps back the putty as snug as a bug in a rug. " Maybe you was sick in your sleep and didn't know it," says the steward. " Cot for tam, I tell you no ; it's vater, don't you see ?" " Or perhaps you spilt it out of the basin ?" " Teunder and blitzen, you black villain, do you mockey me, sir, what for you mean ?" and away goes the steward, and next day comes car- penter, and next night comes the squirt again. He'll go mad yet, will one ' Tousand Dey vils,' see if he don't. After dinner I gets down to the other end of the table, where the old governor can't see me, and gets lots of wine and good things, especially among the Jews. Them are the boys for champaine. I always under- stood they were close-fisted curmudgeons that wouldn't spend a farthing, but they tucks in the wine in great style. It would do you good to see them turning up the whites of their eyes, and taking an observation out the bottom of their glass. I wouldn't be a slice of ham I, 1 / \ 'ill . MMS^' h 156 THE LETTER-BAO ■ • iff 1 1 I in them fellows way for something. They eat and drink as if they never saw food before. But coming out of the companion way in a crowd in the dark, and giving a pinch on the sly to the Mulatto girl on the stairs, till she squeals again like a stuck pig, and abuses the passengers for no gentlemen, and every one crying out shame, is great sport. There is a great big Irish- man from Giant's Causeway, that has got the credit of it, and every American says it is just like an Irish blackguard that. If you could see the coloured ser- vants, what looks they give old Potatoe, it would do you good. They'll murder him if they catch him in New York. I wouldn't be in Pat's jacket for a shilling, I know. O Bob, I wish you was here ; we'd have a noble time of it, if you was ; as it is. Bill is so cursed soft, and such a coward he won't join in a lark, and I am fright- ened out of my life for fear he will peach on me. I have threatened to cut the liver out of him if he does. I am almost afraid he has already, for the mate said to me to-day, " Come here, you young sucking parson you. If you don't give over cutting those shines, FI! make your breech acquainted with a bit of the halyards before you are many days older, I'me beggard if I don't ; so mind.your eye, my hearty, or you'll catch it, I tell you." " You will, will you," says I ; " you know a trick worth two of that, I'me a thinking, and if you don't tliere's them on board will teach it to you. So none of your half laughs to me." I can't say I liked it, tho', for all that for he looks like a fellow OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 157 id iie fees |0" that would be as good as his word, and if I do catch it, I will pay Master Bill off for it when I get him ashore, I'm blowed if I don't. . There is nothing I hate so much as a tatler. Board ship is a fine place for old clothes : what with tar and grease and tearing, you get rid of them all in no time. I have made all my Sunday clothes old, and worn all my old ones out ; so that I shall come out in a new rig at New York, as fine as examination day, and try for a long coat and French boots, if I can come round the old man. Rememberinf^ his texts and praising his sermons generally does that. I think I am too big now for short jacket and trousers. Jim Brown warn't so tall as me by half an inch when he have them up, though he was a year older. Besides, in course, a long coat has more pocket money than a coatee, and servants don't treat you any longer sis a child, and aint afraid to trust you with a horse. Now if I go to smoke, every one says, " Look at that brat smoking, what a shame it is for the parson to let that boy use a cigar !" just as if I hadn't as good a right as they have, the lubbers. yes, dear Bob, I wish with all my heart you was here, it would make you split your sides a laughing to see how putting broken glass into boots makes fellows limp like beggars, and sing out for bootjacks; and how running pins into cushions makes the women race off screaming and scratching; but there arn't so much fun when you have to do it all yourself, and no one besides to laugh with at the joke. It makes it dull sport, after all. I !.'■■ .J ::i I iit^ It '1 158 THE LETTER-DAO expect I shall be caught yet, but if I am, and had up for it afore the old governor, I will swear it was all Bill, for he deserves a hiding, the coward, for not joining in it. I am to have all holidays while I am gone, except a lesson every day in Latin grammar ; but I have been all over it before, so it will take no time at all to do it. When I get to New York I will write you again, and let you know what sort of a place it is, and how the Yankee girls look ; and if I get my long coat out of father, PU have fine fun among them. I don't like to speak to them now, for a short coat looks foolish. Eemember me to all the boys, and particularly to Betty housemaid, and believe me, dear Bob, Your faithful friend, Jim TftOTTEft. ■:i , \ ^^•'31 OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 159 LETTER FROM THE PROFESSOR OF STEAM AND AS- TRONOMY, OTHERWISE CALLED THE CLERK, TO THE DIRECTORS. 'V f No. XX. /"i Gentlemen, A becoming consideration for my own character in literaiy attainments, which primarily procured for me the honour of an introduction to the unincorporated board of directors of the Great Western, and their unanimous election to the situation I have the pleasure to fill, of principal in their academical school for scien- tific and nautical training of their junior officers, com- pels me to announce most reluctantly, but peremptorily and decidedly, that if it is intended to initiate those young gentlemen thoroughly in their profession, it must be effected on shore, and that this marine semi- nary will inevitably sink in public estimation, if kept afloat on board of the Steamer. It cannot be denied, with a due regard to truth and i :> i ill m pil > IMAGE EVALUATION TEST TARGET (MT-3) 1.0 I.I m 125 m m ■ 4 12.2 ^ 136 H^B US 2.0 I 1.25 II 1.4 1.6 <4 6" — ► V /i .4.i^i 'V:v-** Hiotographic Sciences Corporation '^"^J" 23 WEST MAIN STREET WEBSTER, N.Y. 14580 (716) 872-4503 ^>^"' ,.V l-^ ^^' '%*: ■/. V '^ 160 THE LETTER-BAO veracity, that the young gentlemen whose minds are fitted naturally with 'expansive gear/ have their astro- nomical and mathematical problems, at what is vulgarly called their finger ends, because everything that is approached by tarry fingers usually adneres to them pertinaciously ; but that is not the sort of acquirements most to be desired, nor can the calculations, which are so abstruse and difficult, be executed with accuracy and precision, where the jarring of the boat converts Os into 6ses, and Is into 3s, and so disfigures (if I may use the expression) every figure, that it is no longer to be recog- nised by the hand that traced its configuration. In the same manner, a complex motion, compounded of pitching, rolling, and vibrating, is utterly destructive and subversive of certainly in taking meridional alti- tudes, especially when to these difficulties is added a speed of twelve miles an hour, with all steam on, and fifteen revolutions. The damp and moist exhalations evolved by water heated to 419°, pervading the interior of the lecture room, by insinuating itself through the interstices and crevices of the ship, obliterate from the slates all traces or distinctness of arithmetical and algebraical figures, and before calculations are termi- nated, the primary part is obfuscated by the occulta- tions of steam, and by the time assiduous application has restored it, we have the same mortification arising in the other extremity. Discouraging as these diffi- culties unquestionably are, they are altogether insig- nificant when compared to the obstructions arising from the noises produced by the vociferous bleating of OF IIIE GUEAT WESTERN^ 161 calves and sheep, the incessant lowing of cows, the acute intonations of swine, the cackling of poultry, the discordant voices of two hundred people, the uproar of the elements, the noise of the ponderous machinery, and the thunder of the ever-revolving wheels. Amidst these numerous, complicated, and perplexing distrac- tions^ to abstract the attention^ and apply it to ab- struse studies, is an effort not to be expected from juvenile minds and exuberant spirits, more especially when to learn implies an absence of iinowledge, and the very act of resorting to a professor implies an insinuation of either overgrown ignorance in young men, or of boyish age incompatible with manly stature, either of which suppositions is repugnant to aspiring youth desirous to be classed among men, especially by women. There is no " indicator " that I know of to the machinery of the mind, and the only way of ascer- taining results, is to apply the " Canon " of seclusion *' to cut off the stroke," as it is called, and mark the advance made, in relation to time and study given. A manifestation of reluctance, or rather resistance, to deferential respect to the superior attainments and ac- quisitions of the principal, is therefore to be expected, as much as it is to be deplored and lamented, as well for the young gentlemen on the one hand, as by the profession on the other ; for it is obvious to the most superficial understanding of the Directors, that where there is no obedience there can be no authority ; and where no progress is made in studies there can be only a corresponding absence of advancement in learning. him :| 'I Ml 1 111 I i •"Ti I > % : V ^ I 162 THE LETTER-BAO Unless the mind is well stored, and constantly kept in full employment, it is apt to generate more " clinker '' than anything else. The valves require daily over- hauling, and the waste ones to be *' disconnected," or it is impossible to make any progress. Men who come dripping wet from their duties, are not in a state for dry sciences ; and to be both officers and boys, juve- nesque senesque, commanding on deck one moment, and obeying under deck the next approximate, is in- compatible with human nature, and the working of the machinery of the mind. Steering in a straight line by point of compass, as is done in a steamer, is apt ta superinduce upon the vacuum of youthful understand- ing, a belief that navigation is, what those young gentlemen facetiously and technically call '' all in my eye ;" and that a direction once given has only to be followed to attain the end of the voyage, by keeping the ey9 fixed steadily on the compass ; an opinion not more unfounded and irrelevant than unsafe and pre- carious, whether it regards the attainment of know- ledge, or the discovery of the port or haven of ultimate destination. Female passengers, I may be permitted to observe,^ are too powerful magnets not to cause serious varia- tions from duty in the young men, and occasion them to camber or break down in life. Studying the needle is not the most important pursuit in the whole com- pass of duty, though it forms one of its most promi- nent ; and I am painfully convinced the cadets, who mm be said to be in their summer solstice, are more !ia OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 163 r re desirously solicitous about their own figures (which is the zenith of their ambition) than mathematical ones, and such conduct must inevitably reduce them to the nadir of mere ciphers. This sort of distraction was so well known to the great lexicographer, that he has most appropriately and appositely added it by way of insinuation to most words implying youthful errors — mishap — mistake — misfortune — mis- understanding — mischief — misled — misery, and many others. Here they are exposed more than any other place I know of to the blandishments of the sex, and I know not how it is, but I have often Ob- served that there is a natural, an alliterative, and perhaps chemical affinity between pettjr officers afid pettycoats ; — '.'•fik L. Dulce ridentem Lalagen amabo Dulce loquentem. i Indeed, by the universal laws of motion,, the amount of attraction is directly as the quantity of matter, and inversely as the squares of the distanced, which shows how all-pervading it must be on board of ship. To attempt a course of study with young men under such noxious and powerful influenced -as female eyes, is as unwise and unsafe as for w^llite ni;eh to attempt field operations in the sun in the West Indies. Nothing impinges more seriously on studies. It has a tendency to make them romantic, which in ^Esthetics is equally at variance with the antique and classic lore. Had the directors been younger meH themselves, and M 2 M !! I : \ 164 THE LETTER-BAO understood the rhabdomancy of the mind, as well as they do of commerce, they would have felt the impro- priety of exposing their cadets to the pestilential miasmata of such an atmosphere of female allure- ments, which may very apjiropriately be called " the milky way" of Cupid. In the descent down the inclined plane of character, induced by these causes, if good instruction offer any ?esistance, that resistance ought to increase in a high ratio with the speed. The motion of a train of dissipation commonly con- tinues to be accelerated, until it obtains a velocity, which produces a resistance from good principles, such as, combined with the friction of discipline, is equal to the gravitation down the plane. Adapting a semi- naval uniform for these youthful vc caries of science, and giving them the rank and title of cadets, the insignia of an office which the emulous and now- awakened people of Bristol pronounce to be superior io a similar grade in her Majesty's service ; permitting them to wear the gold-lace band on the cap, and acceding to them the seducing gilt button with the emblematical letters G. W. on them, has infused too much caloric into their juvenile aspirations for female approbation, and they are unwilling that such graceful and elegant young officers should be mistaken for dis- ciples of a pedagogical establishment. Their predi- lections are strong to drop a comparison in their own favour with the W. S.'s of Edinboro*, and there is a supercilious daring in their haughty carriage, as if, in ihe event of an action with the enemy, they would OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 165 stand by their boiler, and keep up the steam unhesi- tatingly and unremittingly till they died. But this is not the only evil attending the progress of science in this ship, as refers to my situation as principal. There is another joint out of place, to use a familiar expres- sion, at "flange;" the office of hbrarian, which has been unsolicited by me, but conferred voluntarily and handsomely, as an honorary appointment in conse- quence of there being no salary attached to it, is one which is accompanied by a corresponding unsatisfac- tory result. So little attention is often paid to ortho- graphy in the written orders of the passengers fbi books, that it is approximate to impossible to compre- hend what they mean ; added to which, for want of catalogues, the demands are invariably for books not contained in the library, which leads to disappointment in the first instance, renewed vexation in the second, and not unfrequently in the third to impatience, if not impertinence. It is in vain that I deprecate explicitly that I am answerable for the books only which are placed here by the literary committee of the Directors, and not for those not ordered by them, which would involve an absurdity. The blank page at the begin- ning and end of each volume is invariably abstracted, which is a most singular selection, and proves the illi- terate condition of the passengers, for there is nothing of course to read upon it, while the outside wrapping- cover shares the same fate. Yet, forsooth, these are the men who say the library is not varied and copious If I i':' Hi 'Si ICG THE LETTER-DAO enough to meet the increased advancement of the age. ' Were it not that my anger ia " blown ofif " occasionally upon the cadets, these passengers would be in danger of *'an explosion" that would astonish them, for ])assion is " generated faster" than is safe for them, by their ignorance. But, gentlemen, there is another subject which delicacy suggests to be passed over in silence, while a due sense of the value of science, the inextinguishable debt of gratitude owed to it by innu- merable steam companies, and an appreciation of self- respect, compels me to a reference; I mean the assignment to me of some other duties, not necessary to enumerate, but which are within the cognizance of the directors, and reduce me to the situation of an humble clerk, a name, indeed, which many people, and I am sorry to add the Captain himself, sometimes apply to me, from the habit of absolute command which he acquired in the navy. Among many, I would only notice one, namely, to stand by and see the young gentlemen draw their water, which, it ap- pears by the Nero-like regulation of the board, ema- nated from your honourable body, and' is at once painful and degrading, more particularly to see that water measured, and to keep cocks Undtr locks and keys, for fear of wasting the precious liquid. The' water-casks, I conceive, might more properly be under the charge of the culinary artist or cook, whose occu- pation is more connected with the hydroscope than that of a learned professor. This is a subject on OP THE GREAT \VESTEIIN. 167 which, though it is a desideratum to be mt derate, "the connecting rod? and inner plumnier block brasses" of my temper always "work hot," and my own reason is insufficient to reduce the temperature of them, or to " keep heavy bearings cool." Such ser- vices are incompatible with the rank and station of a lecturer on astronomy and mathematics, inconsistent with the duties of my proper office, and derogatory from the specific gravity and dignity of the liberal sciences. Under these painful circumstances, I would suggest a removal of the seminary to Clifton, where it could be enlarged to accommodate the students ot other ships, and where practical navigation could be taught in all its branches by the aid of a few experi- mental trips on that sinuous and difficult, but most beautiful of rivers, the Severn. Nothing can be done without strict discipline. Screwing up the nuts, detaching loose bolts, tightening the slide packings, drag-links, and other bearings of the mind, or the waste valves, will let oflf "^3 'ruction as fast as it is supplied. Should this suggestion not be acceptable, I beg leave to resign the commission I have the honour to hold from the board, after due consideration of the heavy responsibility of my position, and a full review of all the consequences immediate and ultimate. Should it involve any material want of confiden.'^c in the public in this great steamer, or detract from the pre-eminent rank of this splendid ship in the scale ot the European mercantile marine^ I can only deplore so IV ;'<; '11 n 4 1:1 : ) M li; li ; , 168 THE LETTER-BAO Bad a result to the stockholders, which that they may avert by a timely application of preparatory measures, is the ardent aspiration cf Your most devoted humble servant, F£T£R Q'rADRANT. OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 169 No. XXI. LETTER PROM MOSES LEVY TO LEVI MOSES. ^ li Ml DEERSH FrENT, Veil, hear I am on pord te Crate Weshtern, shet up liksh a toq^ and so shick to ma shtomac as a pompsh te live longsh tay. Vare it all comsh from I don't know, shelp ma Cot, for I can't schwaller noting at all, and have got noting in me dat I knowsh of, and yet it comsb and comsh as if tere wash no ent to it, like a shpring, dat runsh ofer all te time, ant never shtopsh for roneink. Ma trowsher ish too larsh for ma, I have fell away «ho, and looksh as if tey washn't made for ma, vitch is tru, for I bought em from Bill Gubbinsh, but den tey fitted me as well as if tey wash, and sho ma coat hanks ash loose ash a pursher's shirt on a hantshpike ; and my tonke is all furred up vid nap lonker den vat is on ma hat, blow ma tight if it aint. Veil den, varte am I to do ? I can't shet no lonker to cards to play den de teal, and den I am It :' 170 TnE LETTEtt-BAQ oblishcd to cut and rhun ; and su soon ash I kcts pack ad takcsh up to cards, it comesh ukain, ant I Imvc no more time den to trow town te cartsh, and off and trow up tc shick. Oh mine Cot ! put tish too pad ash ever you did she, and worshcr too, it would be petter to die ash to live longk dish vay. But dat ish not de worsht necder, for I looshes te monish, by tinking more of masclf dan de cartsh, ant comink ant goink, up ant town, backwart and forwart, te whole i)lessed time, and no resht for minti-ngk te came and pettingk ven a hoppertunita hoffers vich is goot, and otc to be shceshed upon; and I can't- tru»ht ma memory no more ash to nopoty clsh, for it is shick too, I do pcleeve, and won't host notingk no • more ash ma stomack, nnd varte dey getshdey can^t keep, and vat dey kecpsh ish no coot, and would be more petter if dey didn't keep. Veil, ^tis' » pity too, strikesh ma tarn if it hishn't, for she is a ftiry expenshire sheep is te Crate Weshtern* t& passage cosht'a crate teal of monish, 'mdre as forty-two shovereings, and tere ish'Bv noplechansh amonk sho many resphcctable ^and' rieh shentltemansh to do bishness^playingi and petting,* and shelling, and shanging, and pying, dnd eho on, spcshiaHy at ni^ht, yen de^viskeykomo in and te caushin go oUt. Gh tear, oh tear ! put 'tis too pad, I am so tampt mishfortunate, ash not for ta be aple to do noting no more ash a child, I /am> sho shick te whole time, and more tead adh «ilivc; and more onelofcey as tead. I>e teyvil take te fibe shicknfess; I shay, I woodn't take anoter voyage to shave ma life^ shelp ma OP THE GRCAT WESTERN. 171 ! i . Cot ! I mosht afraid America ish no conctry for te Jewsh, no more ash Scotland ish, vitch has uotink in • it at ja\\ but pride, ant poverty, ant oatmeal, ant viskcy. Te Yankee all knowsh too much for us, and much wide awake, and so sharp ash a needle at making von pargain, vitch give no chansh at all to a poor Jew to lifF. Den dcy have no prinches, no noples, nor rish lorts vat spend de nionish, before he pccomes tu, and runsh in debt, and give ponds, and mortgage, and' premium, for te loan, and asksh no questions bout te cosht so lonk as he gets varte monish he wantsh. Den* dere rail-roat stocksh, and pank stock, and state stock, are just fete for to loshe all vat you putsh into dcm, or • elsh dey would pay dem demselves if dere wash anytink at all for to pe mate in dem, vitch tere aint, and dcy knowsh it so well ash I do, and more petter tu. Dish lettare vill be shcnt by a prifit hopportunita till Sprink . llish altare te postage to von penny. He got it too high pefore, and now he cot it too low, put dat is hish^ look out and note mhine ; but ven a lettare cosht no more ash von penny I will write you more regular as I to now, and not cost you so much monish needcr ash at present time. . . .- . Your frient, » • • Levi Moses. To Mr. Moses Levi, \' ' Posht Schript. — Oh mine Cot ! if I haven't tun te pishness sinsh I rote vat ish rhitten apove, ish a pity, dat's all. I aint no more onwell but petter ash nefer, and 172 THE LETTER-BAO I wund pack all my passage monish, and two sbove- reigns more, ant a half shovereign, and two shillings, three pence, at carts, besidge five pounds of a pet, and here he ish all shafe and shound in mine pocket, and he don't go out via my leaf, till he preeds and hatches more to keep up the preed of young ehovereigns. Oh, put I liksh to put my hant in mine preetches pocket and feel him, and count him ofer, and see he is shafe and shound. Ven I valksh te teck up and town, and up and town pack again, peeplesh shay, Mishter Moshes, dey shey, varte pleash you sho, make you look so tamt goot- natui'ed to-day? and I shay. Oh he feels goot ant mush petter ash he wash. I got te medecine here dat cure de she shickness and shet me right again, and den my hant vat is in my pocket he pats de sho- verains vat is in mine preeches on de heat; and I tink to maself, good poys dem shovereigns, vary goot poys, and has no more dutiful subshects nor lovingh frients vat is font of tem dan me. Veil den I shell all my boxesh of shigars to te stewart, when he gets out of shtock, by reashon of te lonk voyage, and hash no more left, and no plashe to go to to puy dem. I shell em, pecause I wash too ill to smoke em maself, and hadn't no more ush for em, and he knowcd no petter, for he is a fool, and don't know vat monish ish, nor de shentlemans needer; put I do, I hope, or elsh my name ishn't Levi Moses. I OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 173 No. XXII. PROM A SERVANT OP A FAMILY TRAVELLING TO ASTORIA. Dere Susan, When I tuk leve of you the last Sundy nite we spent at White Condut, I had no highdear I was going so •sun to take leve of dere Old England. But so it is — Strang things do sumtims turn up, as Tummus said when Betty housemaid was found floating on the river. Missus has married a clutchyman who is sent out by the Society to propergate in furrin parts, and they have a birth on bord the Great Westurn, and so have I. It looks like a cell in New Gate, only clener, were poor Georg was lodged for putting Lady Ann's watch in his pocket, by mistake, for his hone, but he was always an absent man before he went to Bottiny was ^eorg. They call it a burth, because it's a new life on bord ship, and is like beginning of the world agin, cmd takes great nussing before you can eat. It is the most inconvenientest place I ever saw. The sealing i* i I J ill 4 4 I 1 .( 174 THE LETTEIl-BAO SO lo in places you can't walk up right, and you get a stroke every now and agin, when you least expect it, across your forhed, that you think will dash your brains out. It is a think to leve dere Old England, its halters and fares, and churches and theatres, for the wilderness, and the hethen ; but then Lundun is a poor place, for the likes of me as would perfer sum- think better than mere sweet-harting. Standing at airys and talking to the butler, or perhaps the young master at the next number, is very plesent, but then it seldom ends satisfacturry, for they don't often fulfil ; and if you remind them of their proter stations, the perfigious wretches say they never ment nothing but in the way of servility ; and if you go for to take on, why they take themselves oflF directly, and desart you, and nothing is left but artburnings, unless it is the surpentine to put it out. Going abroad gives wun an opportunity to see the wurld, and visit places where men isn't so hartificial as in Lundun, and promises ain't made on purpus to be broke, and harts go for nothing xcept to be trumpt in tricks, as poor Tummus used to say at wist. But still it do give wun menny a sad our thinking of appy days past, and friends left behind, besides them as left us ; it brings teres in my eyes when I am alone in bed, and makes me think of throwing up at New York and returning, but I resorts to the good buck at sitch times, and finds consholation in it. The deck of this vessell is as crowded as Re- gent Street arter lamp light. There are sum very in- terresting men on bord, one of them they call a 'pole/ OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 175 tho' why I am sure I don't know, for I think some of them as say so behind his back are poor ' sticks' them- selves. He is a very pretty man, with a beautiful curly moustouchio, and black whiskers, and sings so sweet it is quite charming. I don't whether his Chris- tian name is North or not, but I over hear them talk- ing a good dele about North pole, and that government offered a large sum to any body as would get round him, ten thousand pound, I believe. He don't speak much English, but he talks very perlite to me, and bows very handsum ; and oh how bright his eyes are ! They aifect one so, that people do say no needle was ever none to wurk nere him, his attractions is so grate. I wunder if Lord Melburne or Norman boy would give me the reward if I was to get round him — Pme shure I could do it, for he squeezed my hand twise ; and the last time would a had his hone round me if missus hadn't a been cumming. I dremed of the ten thou- sand pound all nite — oh dear what a prize that would be for poor Mary ! We are to go to New York fust, and then in a to bote dragged after orses heles, and thru locks, and gates, and waist ways, and summit of hills, and dales, and I don't know what all, to a place they call Mont-tree-all, because it's all a forest. Then we are to be shoved for twenty days by Frenchmen, up a stream with long poles, who sing songs to kepe time. This part they say is very pleasant, only you get tired of it, for too much of one thing is good for nothing, as poor dear Tummus used to say when he had any- thing to do. Then we are to cum ain!mg saviges^ vl ij' •' -J ll I: I ■i -■,<■ 176 THE LETTER-BAG (i- > horrid creatures, all naked, xcept a little, very little clothing, like the nasty Scotch pipper that used to play in our airy, and wore no trowsers, only an apron, and that ridiculous short too. They have long knives that are dredful to look at, and things they call tommy exes, to cut airy scalps with, and they are to guide us out of the wudes, and hunt for us. Pretty guides them, as master says, to show us the way we are to walk in. Then comes the desert, and that lasts a month — only think of a hole month of a desert ! We must wait to lye in, before we proseed, provision for the journey, and then we must sleep out of dores every nite, with nothing over us but sky, and nuthing under us but earth, and nuthing in us but cold wittals. I am afraid I shall never survive them savages. When the sun goes down we are to camp together, bundling, they call it, the women in the middle, then the men, and then the saviges to keep off the wolves, and bares, and wild beasts. It's a dredful undertaking, isn't it ? how I shall make shift to get on I dont know; it terrifies me to think of it. Last nite I dreamd of it, for this part sleeping in public haunts me like a gost, and I dremed I saw a lion with grete glaring eyes, and felt his big heavy paw on me ; and I woke up with frite, trembling all over hke an asspin ; and what do you think it was, Susan ? It was only the hand of the Stewart feeling if the light was out, for all lites are xtinguished at ten o'clock. He is a verry nise man the Stewart. Will, then, after all that cum sum grate mountings, the verry idear of which ten-ify me. They OF THE GREAT WESTERN* 177 will take several months to get over, on account of the stones. They call them the rocky mountings. The trees are 2 hundred feet high, and snow I don't no how high. Missus says if I pesist in going through the travail, and remain three years with them, I shall have a pinching from the Society for propogating in furrin parts, of ten pounds a year, and be safe delivered in England, free of expense, when my time is out. After going over the Rocky, we descend tother side to a place they call Astoria, which is to be our home while we are abroad. This place is called a factory, tho' nothing is made there but munny, a trading in furs, and they aint so plenty there as they used to be^ for the wild beasts is getting " up to trap '* now, and won't cum to be cort. They keep "fur'' off now. I'll get a muff or a tippit here of bare skin or of otter, which smells so well. The oil of that animal is what you buy so dere in Lundun in sent bottles; but, o dere, I furgets, what's the use of smelling sweet, if there is no one to smell you but yourself? Who marster is to preach to when he gets there I don't no, xcept it is to missus and me, and the rest of the family ; and if he goes for to preach to her, she'll give him such a lecture as he has no notion of, that's ser- tain: for she gave master that is dead and gone a dreadful time of it here below ; and as for me, my morals can't be no better ; and besides, when we are out of the wurld, as a body might say, what in the wurld is the danger of temptation when there is nobody to tempt you? Them horrid Indgians wont under- N II i^ i1; |1 178 THE LETTER-BAO ■■ ( If i I stand him, nor them French void jeers neither; and besides they are papists and wont cum. That's just the way with these sailors. Last Sunday, when they was ordered to prayers, they agreed to say they was catholics, and had scribbles of conscience; for they can't force them to cum now, since O'Conncll is made pope and prime minister, and the captain said, very well, they are excused then. Three years away ! oh, deary me ! what a long time that is to be away, aint it, Susan, and me twenty- five years old already ? How lonesura I shall be ! nobody but master, and missus, ^nd the doctor, and the two clarks, and me, in the 'house. The governor, and the people that are our next-door neighbours, live five hundred miles off. Mr. ' Campell, the clerk, is a very handsome young man. He is to travail with us. He takes grate notice of me when nobody is a noticing of him — a slipping into the hole, every chance he gets, of the vessel — a pretending to study niysheenery. Says he, the other day, "My dear, I wish I knew the rode to your hart.'' " Well, sir,'* said I, "it lies thro' the church-door." Says he, "I like you for that answer, my dear ; for it shows you are a gud gurl, such an uncommon pretty gurl as you (he said uncommon, I assure you — I am certain I can't be mistaken) — such an uncommon pretty gurl — (it was verry sivil of him to say so, when, after all, 1 really do not think I am so verry, verry pretty) — such an uncommon pretty gurl as you are, must take care of yourself ;" and then putting his face close m ■ ¥ OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 179 up, said, " Never let any body whisper to you, or they can't help doing as I do — ^kiss you;" and before I could reprove him he was off and into the cabin. It quite flustered me. Yesterday, I overheard him tell missus, the governor had promised him " to bring him in a partner this year.^' Who can she be ? We have nobody on board a going there but little me, and I am poor, and at sarvice, and nothing but my face for my fortune, but then havent just as strange things happened? Didn't our butler that was marry his young missus that was, and didn't his young missus marry him ? If they are to " bring him a partner*' this year they must do it now, or his partner will never get there — it will be too late in the season. I wouldn't mind the mountings nor the rapids, nor the desert, nor anything, if that was to be the end of all my travail. If so be this should turn up honor for trump card, don't fear, Susan, I shall be proud and pretend not to know you or keep company with you, because nothing will ever make me forget you; and don't you, for the world, ever say a word about them eandngs the jew boy got blamed for, or the worked collar the beggar-woman took, as missus tliort : but as for Hobert carrying his head so high after deserting me, and saying he did so because leave-taking was painful, and me running such risks hiding him in the laundry, I'll let him know his place, 1 can tell him, and never let him go for to dare as much as for to luck at me again, the hard arted retch^ or I will call pellisse to him — see if I don't. N 3 it mi •■i-h . I I i'j'ii' \\^ 1 M "3; IT 1-, 1 ; • i ^1 ^» I 3 1 180 VHE LETTER-BAG I shall turn over a new life in America. It don't do to be too confiding with men, they think only of their hone, and not other people's ends ; and the next one as thretens to drown himself as Robert did, may just do it for all I care, it wont deceive me agin. Lusing a butler is no such grate matter as lusing wuns pease and karacter. Tell him he is despisable for a gay deceiver, and that if I ad him with me forty days and nights in the desert, I'd leve him there for his parjury, a pray to the stings of sarpants and his hone conscience. Drinking satturn and my dearer wine of his master don't justify him to kiss and desert poor gurls as if he was a gentleman born ; such airs are verry misbecumming one in his station, and he deserves a good kicking for his imperence, the wretch. As sune as my travail is over, and I reach at last this distant country Astoria, I will rite you another letter by a male that goes every six months chasing whales, and tell you whether I am cumming on with Mr. Campbell, and about the bare skin furs, and the sense of the otters, and so on. And now, dere Susan, hopping that you and William Coachman continues to set your horses well together, I remain your faithful friend. Now and for ever, « Mary Fool. OF TH£ GREAT WESTERN. 181 No. XXIII. f The Misdirected Letter, No. L letter from ▲ colonist to his brother. My Dear and Hon. Father, I have the pleasure to acknowledge your letter of the first of February last, giving me the gratifying intelligence of the health of my dear mother and your- self; and upon receipt of it lost no time in complying with your wishes for my return, by embarking at once for New York in the Great Western. Your indulgence to me upon all occasions requires, even if I were not actuated by a higher motive, that I should implicitly follow your instructions, which I am aware are only dictated by an anxious sohcitude for my welfare, and I hope you will do me the justice to believe that the ready obedience I have shown in this case, even at a time when an affection of the lungs required medical treatment, is a proof of my desire to meet your wish9 ' I I V. 182 THE LETTER-BAG i I , in all things and upon all occasions. The dampness of the climate in England has operated rather un- favourably upon my lungs, and a succession of colds has rendered it necessary for me to consult an eminent physician, whose enormous and extravagant charges (which I understand are always more so to strangers) have made me draw largely upon my letter of credit : but I knew that I should not please you unless I took the best advice, let it cost what it would. Indeed my general expenses have been larger than I could have ■wished. London is an excessively expensive place to live in, aiid although I have had neither the inclina- tion nor, i may add, the means for extravagance, yet I fear my expenditure will appear large to you, for notwithstanding the doctor's fees, (which is an unfore- seen and indispensable item,) the result without that is altogether too large for a person of my. regular and retired habits; You will be surprised to hear that, young as I am, I have only been to the theatre once^ but that was once too often ; and indeed I should not have felt a desire to go at all, had it not been for your repeatedly expressed wish that I should see whatever was worth seeing in London, that my travels might be productive of useful information as well as amusement. To tell you the truth, I have some scruples as to the propriety of visiting such places at all. On that occasion I had the misfortune to be run over in the street by a cab, and was severely stunned and bruised; and when I tame to, I found that I had been relieved by some of the light-fingered gentry of the metropolis K t >t}Y TUE GREAT WESTERN. 153 of the beautiful fifty guinea watch you were so kind as to give me, and also a quarter's allowance which I had received that day from my banker. I admit I ought not to have carried that money about me, but that I do not regret, for economy will easily replace it ; but this token of your regard I valued more than the money, as a remembrance of you, and had hoped to have kept it through life, to remind me of the value of time, of the kind friend and monitor that gave it, and as a pledge of parental aflfection. But Provi- dence has ordained it otherwise, and I must submit to that which I cannot control. Had I not been deprived of all sensation, I would have parted with my life sooner than with that little keepsake. The doctors, I am sorry to say, seem to think that the affection of my lungs has been increased by the injury I have received. I have made a valuable addition to my medical library, upon which I have spent what most young men of my age would have consumed upon their pleasures. I shall leave the books to follow^ and hope they will arrive safe. I look forward with the greatest pleasure and anxiety to see you all again, and shall hurry home again as fast as possible to resume the study of my profession in my native place, where, with your power- ful connexion and valuable advice, I n&ake no doubt I shall fulfil all your expectations. To qualify myself for thus entering upon the duties of life, I have lost no opportunity of attending the best lecturers at the several hospitals. It gives me the greatest pain • J(; 11 18i> THE LETTER-DAO to hear from you that my brother Tom is inclined to dissipation and extravagance. I was always afraid that such would be the result of your too indulgent allowance, which it is never prudent to enlarge as you have done, for a young man of his gay temperament. If I find on my return that he persists in these courses, I shall be under the necessity of withdrawing in a great measure from his society, for evil communi- cations, according to an old proverb, have unquestion- ably a deleterious influence on the manners and principles. I have bought you a very improved pair of patent spectacles, which I think you will find very useful; and also a newly-invented ear-trumpet for poor dear mother, which I hope you and she will do me the favour to accept and wear for the sake of, dear and honoured father. Your most affectionate and dutiful son^ AaiiiuR Snob. .- 5! OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 185 No. XXIV. The Misdirected Letter, No. II. i A COLONIST TO HIS FATHER. ."!) My dear Tom, You will be surprised to hear I am on board the Great Western instead of coming direct to Quebec, but I intend to run the full length of my tether, and have made up my mind to have a lark in the States before I come back. What the old cove will say to this I do not know, but I have written a letter to him by this |)acket that will effectually hoodwink him, I hope : it is fiuite in his own style, and as good as be d d. I have had a glorious time of it, both in London and Paris, and have gone the whole figure ; but it has cost so much money, I am afraid to add it all up. How the devil to account for this expenditure to our old !."il'^ f ^ I i 1 1 1 .• p i :: ' 186 THE LETTER-BAG governor, I don't know ; for, besides ordinary expenses, I have had a job for the doctor, my health having materially suffered by my dissipations. I have wiped out part of this by swearing I was run over and robbed of a quarter's allowance, and the gold watch he gave me, which I left in pawn ; and have accounted for the doctor's part by an inflammation of the lungs from the damp climate, while another part I have set down to books, which of course will never arrive. For heaven's sake look out for the name of some vessel that has foundered at sea, or been wrecked, and cargo lost, that I may fix on her for having my library on board. What to say for the rest I positively do not know, can't you help me ? Try und think it over, that's a good fellow, for something must be done, or the old man will play the devil with me when I return. Lord, I thought I should have died a laughing once, in Paris, dancing one sunday afternoon with a Grisette in the Champs Elisees, where there was a splendid hop, and thinking if my old evangelical father was to see me, how it would make him stare with all his eyes. He would have edified his saints for a month by this instance of backsliding, if he had seen it. Poor dear good old man, I must say he has a little dash of the hypocrite about him, and I can never resist laughing when I look into that smooth, sly, canting visage of his. What fun it would have been, if he had happened to have been in Paris then, to have inveigled him in there, and then quizzed him about it afterwards. ' V .' OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 187 wouldn't it ? ni tell you who I did see there though, and it will astonish you to hear it as much as it did not me — no less than Deacon Closefist. I did, upon my honour. The moment I saw him I cut and run, for I was dancing and he was not, and I didn't want him to see me, any more than he did that I should come across his hawser. I have had a very awkward affair in one of the gambling-houses of London, before I left to\\Ti. I was at the Quadrant with a young fellow of the Temple, and I was under the disagreeable necessity of calling him out. We exchanged shots twice, and I was fortunate enough to pink him in the hand without endangering his life, and to escape being hit myself, which is very lucky, for he was a capital shot. I was in a dreadful funk for fear it would get wind, and find its way into the newspapers, when some damned good-natured friend would have been sure to have told father all about it, especially as the quarrel was about a fair friend of mine. It's of no use talking about it, Tom, but women are at the bottom of all the mischief in the world. I wish the devil had the whole of them, for they have led me into a pretty mess of expense and trouble since I have been abroad ; but if old men will send young men to London to see the world, why they must just make up their minds to pay the piper, and there is no help for it. I have sent the old boy a pair of spectacles to improve his vision — don't laugh at the joke when you see them, there is no fear of his being up to it, for he never was up to any- s hi - - 1' .■I I' li I 5 li •'. t ;■; 111 si 1: k aft I I 188 THE LETTEK-RAO thing in his life, but saving money. I have some capital stories for you when we meet, about my ad- ventures, but it's not altogether safe to commit them to paper for fear of accidents. Don't lisp a syllable of all this| and believe me^ dear Tom, Yours always, Arthua Snob. > : ne of OF TB£ GREAT WESTERN. 189 No. XXV. LETTER FROM A LOCO-FOCO OF NEW YORK^ TO A SYMPATHISER IN VERMONT. My DEAR Johnston, So many persons have lately travelled through North America, all of whom have made most singular and valuable discoveries in the theory of government, that I have made it my business, during my visit to Great Britain, to inquire into the state of the nation, the condition of the people, and the causes of discontent ; and have now the pleasure of sending you an abstract of my observations, which I shall shortly publish more at large. I feel satisfied I shall astonish the natives with the magnitude of the disclosures, and the import- ance of the subjects contained in my work, and exhibit a state of misrule and misgovernment that is perfectly appalling. One of the most startling discoveries I have made is, that the people of the Upper Island, or England, speak a different language, and hold a dif- s , i':! I^i If i S 16 J,-' U =1 11 190 THS LETTER-BAG s ;• ferent religion from those in the Lower Island, or Ireland. Until my visit, this important truth was never known; and it bears a strong resemblance to the fact recently ascertained by a great linguist, that the French of Canada are not Anglo-Saxons, and do not speak English : indeed, I may say, that nothing in my book is of more importance than this information, for the consequence is, the Irish members of parliament usually vote one way, and the English the other. England, as might be expected, from the indolence and ignorance of its rulers for centuries past, is filled with people dissatisfied with the government and the existing order of things. These people are termed Chartist, and contain among them a great body of espectable, well-informed, and able men, and constitute, it seeiiis, the majority of the people : I have therefore felt it my duty to make their conciliation my chief studj^. They complain that the higher orders, persons of property and standing in the kingdom, are linked in a common interest for the support of monarchical institutions; and they therefore very properly style them "the family compact,'^ or "official gang^' — a very singular coincidence with what is now going on in a distant part of the empire. The bench, the magis- tracy, the high offices of the episcopal church, and a great part of the legal profession, as well as the army and navy, are filled by adherents of this party — and, until lately, shared among them, almost exclusively, all offices of trust and profit. They complain that this compact co-operates for the OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 191 purpose of oppressing the poor, of tyrannising over the weak, of suppressing instruction, or rather confining it to themselves, and of ruining the nation. And from their wealth, station in life, and education, I conceive it to be true, more especially as so many of them belong to the established churches of England and Scotland. They also allege that the upper branch of the legislature is composed altogether of people of this class, which, indeed, its very name, '' House of Lords,'' seems to prove: and that such has been the favouritism of this " compact party," that no instance is known of a chartist being made a lord chancellor, an archbishop, a chief justice, or a peer of the realm, or filling any of the high offices about the palace or the person of the Queen — a case of partiality and misrule unparalleled in the history of any country. The object of the Chartists is to render the House of Lords elective, and responsi- ble to them, which universal suffrage will inevitably produce; and it is in vain to conceal the fact, that they never will be content with anything short of this reform, nor do I think they ought. Despairing of constitutional redress for these accumulated evils, they most imprudently took up arms at Birmingham before they were quite ready for the revolution, and destroyed much property, as well as many lives. I think there should be a general pardon of the offenders, the jails opened, and the patriots set at large. Politics are sacred, and opinions are not fit subjects for legal in- quiries. They were evidently entrapped into rebellion, as appeared by the circumstance of the dragoons being . i'il I * . 1 ■■( ■1-' ^1 H R'i, it I'li 5 f- r J 192 THE LETTER-BAO stationed at so great a distance as London, an opinion which is strengthened by the fact, that the head of the county, though aware of the danger, relied upon the constabulary force for the preservation of the peace, instead of the military. A general pardon of these respectable persons, whose feelings I should be reluctant to see wounded by their being sent to a penal settle- ment, is the most expedient course that occurs to nie ; for the scene being at a distance, neither the blood- shed nor the destruction of property (dreadful as it must be admitted to have been) can ever reach us; and besides, many of the objects they demand I fully approve of. — Another subject of complaint is the large tracts of land held by the members of this family compact, who, by purchase or inheritance, own nearly the whole of the island, when so many thousand people are anxious to get possession of these estates, and are not permitted to do so. This is a serious evil, and it is my opinion, in all cases where the title is by grant^ the crown should inquire into their origin and resume them. There are woods, and parks, and uncultivated lands in England, owned by a few landholders of the clique, sufficiently large to support all the poor and idle people of North America. In France, during its revolution, which is ever exciting the envy and ad- miration of those respectable and intelligent people, the Chartists, confiscation of the overgiown property of their family compacts formed a valuable source of public revenue and private speculation; and they naturally regard the example of their neighbours as one or THE GREAT WESTERV. 193 to be followed by them — an idea which I have done my best to encourage. With regard to tlie church question, it is necessary to speak out plainly. It has been endowed from time to time with grants of real estate, and the discontented party very properly claim to have an equal division of this property among all those sects who have none, and I am satisfied it is the only rational way of appeasing their clamours. He that gives may take away — the law gave it — alter tlie law, and take it away. In either case, it is the opera- tion of law. Whatever apparent right law and usage may give to the Established Church, to those lands, reason gives none ; and, in this enlightened age, reason must prevail in all matters of religion, and mysteries, the subject jf faith, must be given up. A stated resident clergy are unsuited to a migratory people like the English, who live in rail cars and steam boats, and strolling preachers, like strolling players, are better adapted to their tastes, habits, and amusements. On all those points I have recommended their leaders to cultivate a good imderstanding with, and to copy the excellent example of the French, who have destroyed all their family compacts, and, by assimilating their institutions to those of their neighbours, to remove all occasions of heart-burnings and envy. Scotland I have not seen, but my clerk took a ride into it of twelve hours, and he informs me, that more than half the houses are uninhabited, the natural consequence of misrule and misgovernment. It is easy to conceive lili 'I ''ill i ■ i I'" I ill! <* i =s=te: ^' 3 u 194 THE LETTER-3V\a how great must be the distress occasioned by the abandonment of their houses; for as the population has more than doubled notwithstanding within the last twenty years, it is evident the people must live in the open air with the beasts of the field, and will soon become as ferocious and as savage as their companions, and, like Nebuchadnezzar, feed on the coarse herbage of the earth. This startling fact has, I know, been doubted, but I am convinced of its truth, because one of their most popular authors has endeavoured to stimulate his countrymen to exertion, to induce them to make rail-roads, and to prevail upon them to adopt the modern improvements in agriculture, which is to my mind a convincing proof that he disapproves of the government, though delicacy prevents his saying so ; or perhaps, being opposed to revolutionary doctrines, le has thought proper to conceal what he thinks. Although he has not said so, therefore, I conclude he .hinks so, and boldly appeal to his writings in support of my theory and facta, from the very circumstance of his havingwholly omitted any such expressions of discon- tent. One thing I certainly was not prepared to find, notwithstanding the very low opinion I entertain of English institutions, namely, the debased and degraded state of the mercantile marine. The same exclusive and compact feeling exists here as elsewhere. It will hardly be believed that the entire command of the ship is entrusted to the captain, that the seamen have no voice in the choice of this officer, nor any control OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 195 over him — that he has a council composed of his lieutenants and mates, neither of whom are elected by the men or amenable to them — and that the only responsibility that exists is to the directors, who do not live on board, seldom visit the ship, and actually reside in Bristol. If any seaman says he is dissatisfied with this treatment, the captain very coolly tells him he may leave the ship, and if he repeats his complaints, he does actually discharge him. Several meetings of the sailors have taken place at the forecastle, amount- ing to a large majority on board, demanding an extension of suffrage, the election of their own officers, and responsible government. They say a knowledge of navigation is not necessary for command, and that a familiarity with the names of the ropes is quite suffi- cient. They also protest against the enormous salaries of the officers, and the immense disparity of the pay of the captain, which is fifty pounds a month, and theirs, which is the paltry sum of three pounds; and although they have repeatedly offered to do the captain's work for ten pounds a month, whereby a saving cf four hundred and eighty pounds a year would be effected, their offers have been met by indecent ridicule. Upon. one occasion they refused to work, and actually armed and drilled, and the captain, who is a member of the Church of England, (and of course has every bishop to back him,) and a son of a member of the compact, (which gives him the support of the whole official gang,) a nephew of another, and has a daughter mar- o 2 ii H tt: 1 I 1 f f ! .;l I : I ! I M 96 THE LZTTEU-liAO vied to a judge, (which prechides every one from any hope of justice iu any case where he is concerned), this man had the assurance to talk of mutiny, and in au official letter called them disaffected. To show the gross corruption of this faction, it is only necessary to state, that instead of saying their own prayers, which as Christians they are bound to do, the officers have a chaplain at an overgrown salary exceeding that of any three sailors, and the boatswain, who offered in the most disinterested m 'umer to perform liis duty for the nominal remuneration of a fig of tobacco and a glass of grog, was reported in a private letter to the directors, as a troublesome man ; and though the situation of first lieutenant has been twice vacant since this happened, he has been as often re- fused promotion. I have conversed with the leading minds among the sailors, many of whom are extremely well informed, and exhibit great talent. They repudiate in the most loyal manner the idea of mutineering or seizing the ship with great scorn — all they require is to have the entire and sole command of her, and are quite willing to concede to the directors the privilege of protecting and defending her. They also disavow all idea of dissolving British connexion, and promise to purchase their cargoes in the United Kingdom, if a bankrupt law is adjusted on board to their satisfaction, so that they could continue to do business, and retain their property, if they should ever be so unfortunate as to becomi bankrupt. These are reasonable demands. IS OP THE GREAT WESTEEN. <'* and a most numerous, influential^ ant highly re- spectable body of our enlightened citizens at New York, called sympathisers, (of which you are one), are willing to assist them in every legitimate mode to obtain redress for these grievances. Responsibility is now the catchword of the Chartist party, and they are already reaping the fruit of the seed sown by me. A quicker germination, and a more premature harvest, have never been exhibited to the world. To make tho upper branch of the legislature elective, will soon lead to making the throne elective, and universal suflFrage, short parliaments, and vote by ballot, naturally con- duce to this great end. The Chartists will then have the government in their own hands, and everybody will be responsible but themselves. In short, nothing will satisfy the able and intelligent reformers of this part) but an equalisation of property. We arc all born equally helpless, and we all repose at last in one common receptacle. Life is ushered in, and the last scene closes, without any distinctions, to all alike, and it is not fitting that during our transitory abode here these artificial diff'erences should exist. It is abundantly evident that everything which the compacts call respectable and estimable in England must be abolished, if they wish to procure tranquillity; where there is nothing to respect, there will be nothing to envy, and where there are no fortunes, there can be no inequality of condition; a man who is better off than his neighbour should be held responsible for it, •I 1 '1 ]■' fy I V- / » • '-' i 193 IDE LETTER-BAO I r lUcJ and he who carries his liead higher than his fellow- citizens should suffer decapitation for his presumption. In preparing my tour for publication, I have endea- voured to avoid all partiality. During my residence in England, I had an ample opportunity of seeing the state of the country, for I sailed once up the Thames in a steam-boat, with nobody on board but my clerks and partner, so that from the deck of the vessel I saw the condition of the people uninterrupted. I crossed the Channel in like manner, and spent twenty-four hours in Ireland, and from the window of the inn I observed what was going on among the llibbon-men of that island, and other societies of patriots. Instead of conferring with the principal inhabitants, who all belong to the family compact party, and whose whole souls are absorbed in contriving how to enslave the nation, I consulted only my own clerks, so that no one can say I have had prejudices instilled into my mind, or that the important discoveries I have made are not wholly and exclusively my own. Of them I feel I have a right to be proud, as both original and unique. As an appendix I shall add several valuable disserta- tions, among which will be found an interesting one on bowel complaints, illustrated by beautiful drawings of the modus operandi, and on hallucinations of the mind. I feel that it would be criminal in me to with- hold such valuable information as I have collected, or to deprive the world of the use of my discoveries ; you must therefore not be surprised to see this first in *^.p OK TilJi GREAT "SVliSTERN. 199' print, before you receive the original, as it is mportant the whole should be made public as soon as possible. i am, my dear Bill Johnston, Yours truly, Timothy jN'oddvn 4' I i 11 1 |i ':■ » 200 THE LETTER-BAG . 1, ■'Si No. XXVI. letter from a coachman on the railroad line. Dear Friend, Old England and I has parted for ever; I have thrown down the rains, and here I am on board the Great Western, old, thick in the wind, stiff in the joints, and tender in the feet — I am fairly done up — I couldn't stand it no longer. When you and me first know'd each other, the matter of twenty years agone, I druv the Red Rover on the Liverpool line — you recollects the Red Rover, and a pretty turn out it was, with light green body, and wheels picked out with white, four smart bays, and did her ten miles an hour easy, without ever breaking into a gallop, and never turned a hair. Well I was druv off of that by the rails, and a sad blow that was, for I liked the road, and passengers liked me, and never a one that didn't tip his bob and a tizzy for the forty miles. Them was happy days for Old England, afore reforms and rails i OP THE OREAT WESTERN. 201 turn ed eve rything upside down, and men rode as natur intended they should on pikes with coaches, and smart active cattle, and not by machinery like bags of cotton and hardware. Then I takes the Highflyer on the Southampton road ; well, she warnt equal to the Red Rover, and it warnt likely she could, but still she did her best, and did her work well and comfortably eight miles to fifty-five minutes, as true as a trivet. People made no complaints as ever I heard of, when all of a sudden the rail fever broke out there too — up goes the cars, and in course down goes the coaches, and me along with them. One satisfaction was, it warnt the Highflyer's fault, it warnt she broke down, it was the road; and if people is so foolish as not to go by coaches, why coaches cant go of themselves, as stands to common sense and reason. I warnt out of employ long, and it warnt likely I should, I was too well known for that : few men in my line was so well known, and it arnt boasting, or nothing of the sort, but no more nor truth to say, few men was better liked on the road in all England nor I w^as, so I was engaged on the Bristol line, and druv the Markiss of Huntley. You knowd the Markiss, in course, every- body knowd her, she was better hossed nor any coach in England ; it was a pleasure to handle the ribbins in one's new toggery where the cattle was all blood, and the turn out all complete, in all parts, pointments and all. We had a fine run on that line, roads good, coaches full, lots of lush, and travelled quick. But the rails got up an opposition there too, and the pikes *■■ i; I ; I 1 J >■ I, * 202 THE LETTER-BAO \J and coaches couldn't stand it, no more nor on the other lines. The coaches was took off, the hosses was sold off, and there I was the third time off myself on the stones agin, ^s long as there was any chance, I stood up under it like a man, for it aint a trifle makes me give in ; but there is no chance, coaches is done, l^ England, and so is gentlemen. / Sending to the station for parcels and paper is a different thing from having them dropt at the gate, and so they'll find when it's too late. IMind what I telly, Jeny, the rails will do for the gents, only give em time for it, as well as for the coaches. That thief's whistle of a car i? no more to be compared to the music of a guard's horn, than chork is to cheese, it's very low that, it always sets my teeth an edge. They^ll_find_somg^^a those days what all this levelling will come to in England. I'm blest if they doesn't. Levelhng coachmen down to stokers is the first step ; the next is, levelling the gents down to the Brummigim tradesman. They are booked for a fall where they'll find no return carriage, or I'm mis- taken ; but it serves em right ; where people will be so obstinate as not to see how much better dust is than smoke ; and they needn't even have dust if they chooses to water the roads as they ort. ThciC is no stopping now to take up or put down a passenger — that day is gone by, and returns by a different road. Accidents too is more common on the rails than on the pikes, and when the rails begins they always kills ; there is no hopes of having the good luck to lose a limb, as there is with coaches. You can't pull thera up as you I' OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 203 can hosses ; they harn't got no sense, and it doa't stand to reason they can stop of themselves, or turn out. I never run over but one man all the time I was on the road, and that was his own fault, for he was deaf and didn't hear us in time ; and one woman, and she ran the wrong way, though the lamps was lit, and it served her right for being so stupid. Fve always observed women and pigs run the wrong way, it's natu- ral to them, and they hadn't ort to suffer them to run at large on the same roads with coaches ; for they cum to be run over of themselves, and is very dangerous, frightning hosses, and upsetting coaches, by getting under the wheels. But it's no use guarding now agin accidents, Joe, for coaches is done in England, and done for ever, and a heavy blow it is. They was the pride of the country, there wasn't any thing like them, as I've heard gemmen say from forrin parts, to be found no where, nor never will be again. Them as have seen coaches afore rails come in fashion, av seen something worth remembering and telling of agin; and all they are fit for now is to stick up for watch-houses along the rails, for policemen to go to sleep in when they gets moppy. It's a sad thing to think of, and quite art breaking for them as know'd their valy and speed and safety by day or by night, and could drive cm to the sixteenth part of an inch of one another and never touch. That was what I call seeing life was tra- velling in a coach, but travelling by rails is like being stowed away in a parcel in the boot, you can't .1 '■> ! Mi 20i THE LETTER-BAQ I i : •'! see nothing nor hear nothing; but coaches is done^ Joe — yes, they are done; and it's a pity too. I couldn't stand it no longer ; first one line knocked up, and then another ; and nothing seen but bosses going to the ammer, and coachmen thrown out of employ. I couldn't stand it no longer ; so I am oflF to Americka, to a place they calls Nova Scotia, where they have more sense and won't have a rail, though natur has done one half, and English money is ready to do the other. They perfers coaches, and they shows their sense, as time will prove. I am engaged on the line from Halifax to Windsor, that the new steamers will make a busy one, and where rails, as I hear, are never likely to be interduced, as they have seed the mischief they av done in England. I only wish I ad the Old Highflyer, or Red Rover, or Markiss of Huntley, there with their cattle ; if I ad, I'de show the savages what a coach and bosses complete and fit for the Queen to travel in was ; but I haven't, nor can't, nor nobody can't, nor never will again, for coaches, such coaches as them I mean, which was coaches, and deserved the name of coaches, is done. Nobody won't see the like of them agin. Arter all, Joe, it is a ard thing for the like of me, as I has drove the first coach and best team in all England, and the first gemmen of the land, ta j;o out to that horrid savage country Nova Scotia, to end my days among bad bosses, bad coaches, and bad arness, and among a people, too, whose noses is all blue, as I hear, with the cold there. I never expected OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 205 to live to see this come to pass, or the day when coaches was done in England ; but coaches is done for all that ; and here I am broken down in helth and spirits, groggy in both feet, and obliged to be tran- sported to America, all on account of the rails. But if I go on so fast, talking of travelling in old times, I shall be apt to be shying from the main object of my letter, so I must clap the skid on the off wheel of my heart and go gently. I shall have to shorten up my wheel reins preciously to come down to terms. My €yes, what would our old friend the Barynet say to my driving a team without saddles and without breeching, and take a steady drag of seventeen miles — with leather springs and linch pins instead of patent axles and lip- tics. No sign board, no mile stones — no Tom and Jerrys, no gin and bitters — coachman and no guards — hills and dales, and no levels — no barmaids, post- boys, nor seven-mile stages ; and what is wus and wus, wages and no tip. Oh Joe ! my heart sinks to the axle when I thinks of the past ; but fate drives with a heavy hand and a desperate hard curb, and I shall wait with a sharp pull up on my patience till I gets your next letter, and hereafter sets in my place with melancholy as a passenger on the box-seat forever. I don't much like sending this by the Great Western, for steam has ruined me, Joe; but Fve had a copy made to go by the old coach as I calls the Liner, and if she gets the start of leader's heads past Western's swingle trees, you'll get tother o le first, never fear. I have no hart to write more at present, fi ^rt ■i ' •■ 206 THE LETTER-BAG though the thorts of the ribbins do revive me a bit and when I mount the box once more I will write yow agin. So no more it present from Your old friend, Jeury Drag. I P.S. — Send me a good upper Benjamin of the old cut, and a broad surcingle, for my lines is getting rumatiz in them, and it will draw me up a bit, for I was always a good feeder; and stayin in the stall here, and no walking exercise, am getting clumsy : also a decent whip — I always likes to see a Jemmy whip, and so does bosses, for they can tell by the sound of it whether a man knows his business or not, as well as a Christian could, and better than one-half of them can. I hear blue-nose whips is like school boys fish- ing-rods, all wood, and as stiff as the pole of a coach. I couldn't handle such a thing as that, and more nor that I wont, for I couldn't submit to the disgrace of it. Also a flask for the side-pocket, for Fm informed them as keeps inns on that road are tea-totallers, and a drop of gin arnt to be had for love or money. Now that gammon wont do for me ; Fm not agoing for to freze to death on the box, to please any such Esquimo Indgian cangaroos as them, and they needn't expect no such a thing. A glass of gin I must have as a thing in course, so don't forget it. Direct " Royal Blue-nose mail coach ofEce, Halifax, Nova Scotia — care of Mr. Craig — Letter department/' ^:, / OP THE GREAT "WESTERN. 207 '. . n ' ■ ?.'• >;' ' <■; No. XXVII. LETTER FROM THE WIFE OF A SETTLER WHO CANNOT SETTLE. Dear Elizabeth, My dear Sirason has concluded to settle in America, and we arr now on our way thither, on board of the Great Western, and I must say nothing can exceed the delights of going to sea in a ship so splendidly fitted up, and filled with such agreeable company as this, the only drawback being that of sea-sickness, having been more dead than alive ever since I came on board. Simson, dear fellow, is full of plans and rural felicity, and we clear a farm, erect our buildings, and grow rich every day, sometimes in one place and sometimes in another, but have not yet made up our minds where. Building castles in the air this way is delightful, if they would only stay there when you finish them. Among so many charming countries as there are in America, the choice is rather difficulty as your life ia hardly safe in any of them. 11 .. I: i I " II Vii i>iri*- n- Wiiirii 208 TUE LETTEll-BAO tt m ■■I The valley of the Mississippi is said to exceed, in beauty and fertility, most parts of the world, and we had thoughts of purchasing a plantation there : but they say it is full of alligators and rattlesnakes, and the people every now and then burn down a town, as they recently did at Mobile, on speculation; so we have given up that, although it is a great disappoint- ment. We then thought of Florida ; but the Seminole Indians, it seems, scalp all the men, run off with the women, and murder the dear little children ; so I have succeeded in dissuading him from going there. Texas, they say, is a perfect paradise, and land is so uncommonly cheap, that you can buy a farm for the price of a new bonnet ; but earthquakes are very com- mon, and the people so very cruel, they kill each other with bowie knives in the streets in open day, and so reckless, that they keep singing " Welcome to your gory bed,'' as if it was fine sport ; so we have had to abandon all idea of it, as it would be mere madness to go there. The Southern States we should like very much, for the society is very good, and very genteel, and the climate excellent, only a little too hot, which causes the yellow fever to rage so in summer to that degree, that the white people have to abandon it till winter, so that it can hardly be said to be a desirable residence; added to which is the constant alarm of insurrections of the negroes, and being hanged by mistake for an abolitionist. New England is a well-regulateci country, and free OP THE GREAT WESTERN. CC«' from all these objections, having more educated HKia and accomplished women in it than any other plaoe ; but they all talk gibberish, and I hardly feel equal !« learning a foreign language, now that I have this Utile angel to watch over and take care of, and do iwt Wsx to live among a people whom I do not underetaod. Besides, I couldn't think of poor little Bob giving op his English altogether, and talking nothing but Tankee Doodle. Canada we have had a very favourable account of, all people agreeing in saying it is a beautiful country, and very eligible to settle in ; but they are not only at war among themselves, and with their neighbours, but their practices are so barbarous, it does not deserve the name of "a civil war" at all. A poor unfortunate wretch, of the name of " Caroline," (I didn't hear her surname, but I am certain I am right in her christian one,) was lately seized on the American shore by a " compact band " from Canada, dragged out of her bed at night, unrigged, as they called it, and just a bare pole, and carried into the middle of the river and set fire to, and then sent over the falls in a steamboat^ screeching and screaming in the most awful manner. To retaliate this, those who sympathized with her sufferings, her friends and relations, came over in their turn to Canada, and seized the great Sir Robert Peel, and served him the same way, by making him take a flying jib over the rapids. His visit was cut so short, they call it a " Bob-stay " in derision ; and, to mock him, they said, as he was a " stern " man, they wouU EC h r V'' H'V. r I ^i 210 THE LETTER-BAO treat him to a "spanker," and cut him with lashings dreadfully, and chasing him about, asked him how he liked running rigging. He couldn't have been many- days in the country, poor man, for Simson says he is positive he saw him in the House of Commons not a month before we sailed. Then, dear Simson is a member of the Church of England, and he would have no chance there ; for it is considered a great crime in Canada to belong to that denomination, all of whom are called "family compacts," on account of bringing up their children to the same religion as themselves, as nothing will go down there but every individual of a family going to a different place of Torship from the other. They say it looks liberal. All those who take up arms against government are called patriots; and all those who stand up for the Queen and Parliament, are called every bad name you can think of. The loyal people frequently get their houses burnt in the night over their heads; and when the patriots are caught doing it, the hypocrite villains say it is a christian duty to heap coals of fire on the heads of their enemies. Then we thought seriously of New Brunswick, but that is " too near the line," they say, to live in — though how a country that is so cold can be " on the line," I don't know. It borders on the states, the nearest on" of which is Passa-my-quiddy — so named from the people passing to each other quids of tobacco, which nasty stuff they eat all day. One fellow points tc another man's mouth, and says, " Quid est hoc ?" and ia!i OP TUE GREAT WESTERN. 211 the other replies in the same Yankco lingo, " Hoc est quid/* and gives it to him. The New Brunswickers — who are a very loyal pcojilc, and very civil to strangers — have a great deal of trouble with their neighbours, who are all mad from living " on the line " always, and all the people of the state are called *' Maine-iacs." Last winter, five thousand of these imfortunate wretches caught the "linc-ophobia," as it is called, and armed themselves and ran away, howling* and screaming, into the midst of the woods, in the month of Marca, though the snow was two feet deep ; and fancying themselves soldiers, made a target with the figure of our gracious sovereign on it, which they took for an English army, and fired at — and then they drew up a dispatch, and said they had conquered the country and gained a great battle — and Webster, who is supposed to have caught the infection, declared ancient and modern history had nothing to equal this short but brilliant campaign. The poor creatures staid out a month in the wilderness in this horrid manner, and were badly frost-bitten, most of them having lost :i toe, or a nose, or some prominent part or another, with the intense cold. They could hear them yelling and blaspheming all the way to Fredericton, for they never slept in the night, but made great fires, and danced the war-dance round them like In- dians, firing off every now and then a great wooden gun, hooped with iron, and making dreadful faces at the Brunswickers, and calling them bad names. One poor man took a horse with him into the forest, and p 2 ff. 212 THE LETTER-BAO put 83me yellow fringe on his coat, which was made of a red flannel shirt, and stuck a goose's feather in his hat, and took it into his head he was a general, and carried a naked sword in his hand, with which he cut and slashed away at the limbs of trees in a most furious manner, thinking they were British soldiers — and swore most awful oaths, that would make your hair stand on end, that he would give them no quarter. Then he led his men up against a sawmill, which he took for a fort, and stormed it ; and as there was no one living in it, he fancied the garrison had fought till they had died. Webster, in his great war speech, said it was stronger than Gibraltar, and compared this poor Maine-iac to Alexander, who, he said, had an unsoldier- like trick of carrying his head a one side — and to Julius Caesar, who got licked, and bowie-knifed at last like any other man — and to Napoleon, who lost in one day all he ever conquered — and to Wellington, who just left off fighting in time to save his character. People say they hardly know which was most to be pitied, Webster or General Conrad Corncob, both were so mad. The New Brunswickers were quite alarmed for fear some of these poor unfortunate creatures should escape from Passa-my-quiddy, and get into the province and bite some of the inhabitants, and the " line-ophobia " should spread among them. So they had to send a regiment of soldiers out to look after them, but before the troops came to where they had encamped, the paroxysm had passed off — they had eaten up all their pork and molasses, pumpkin pies OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 2ia and apple sauce, and got out of tobacco — and worn out with excitement, cold, hunger, and fatigue, had gone home. They say if all Bedlam and the other insane institutions in England were opened, and the inmates let loose, they wouldn't number half as mauy as those poor maniacs — and that they were in such a dreadful rage, and so rabid, while the fit was on, the bushes were all covered with slaver and tobacco spittle for miles. I never heard anything half so horrid in all my life, and nothing would tempt me to live '' on the line," if the climate operates that way on the brain, and makes people act as if they were possessed of a devil. The Lord preserve dear Simson and me from " line-ophobia " — it is worse than cholera morbus. We now think of Nova Scotia, which some people call the happy valley — the natives are such a primitive people, and blessed with everything that can render life agreeable, and have no taxes, and borrow English regiments and men-of-war to fight for nothing — but they are subject to that same disease the "line-ophobia" too. When they heard these poor wretches, the maniacs, howling in the wilderness last winter, for they could hear them quite plainly, they began to foam at the mouth, and to howl too, and voted an army and supplies of B^iic-uose potatoes and Digby herrings for them, to go and fight these unfortunate people — and they talked so big, and looked so big, the governor was quite alarmed about them ; for they talked of having no officers unksii they were native heroes, to Jead tbc'm on to death or victory. So he humoured li 1^ ■ \ 'li! . ' 'i ] I' p 214 THE LETTER-BAG them — lie told them they were valiant men everybody knew, their zeal being only equalled by the chance there was of its being wanted, but that it was not generous for so strong and brave a people as the Blue- noses to roar so loud, as the Americans would either die of fright or never wait to be beaten, but fly their country ; for, like all other people of such huge stature and strength, the Nova Scotians were not aware of their own power, and that their voice was loud enough to be heard across the AUeghanies on one side, and the Atlantic on the other, and strike terror into all within its reach. This speech pacified them by tickling their vanity, and the disease was kept oflf for a time, though the very word Passa-my-quiddy sets their teeth on edge, and makes them gnash and grit most hideously. All this is very alarming — and I hear, too, the coal-mines every now and then get a fire, which is veiy dangerous, and has a tendency to make them warm tempered, and keep them in hot water all the time. Newfoundland has been named as a place of resi- dence ; but that smells so strong of dried codfish and seal oil. that I should die in a week ; and, besides, I hear it whispered, some of the people eat their eggs out of wine glasses, which I never could stand, I am sure ; the very sight of such a nasty trick would throw me into fits, as it did Captain Hamilton, who, I hear, never recovered the shock his nerves received in America. Prince Edward's Island has also been sug- gested ; but there, they say, the more land you have, the poorer you are ; and that though the rent is only iU. OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 215 two shillings a hundred acres, the tenants threaten to turn patriots and Durhamites if it is exacted. One proprietor, who came all the way from England to collect his rents, only got sevc i shillings and six- pence, and a sound thrashing, for his trouble. It seems to me all. th& world is hunting after jeform, which dear Simson. says is a locomotive government that will go of itself and cost nothing, and every body is their own master and can do as they please, and that majority law is the law of the strong oyer ike .weak; but it is above my comprehension altogether; all I know is, I will be mistress in my own house, and tha dear fellow makes no objection. Astoria is a fine country, but it takes nine months' travel to get there, and that is a serious objection, as there are but few things in life worth that ; and you can carry nothing so far, and get nothing when you arrive there, but the fever and ague, and that I would rather be excused from. Cape Breton is also well spoken of, only you are likely to be frozen up in your passage there, at a place called Gut of Ponso, and nothing goes up or down till spring thaws it out. The whole country is covered with snow for several months up to your hips j so that when the melancholy season comes, they say they are ' hipt ;' and the people are so savage, they make 'slaying' parties on the ice, and call this bar- barous cruel worlc quite a diversion. They say the reason it is so cold is, that being so far east, it is a little beyond where the sun rises; an American gentleman told me so, who went there to see it ; for my part, I \\ tia THE LETT£R-BAO 'fir not so fond of ice-cream as to desire to live on an icebergs like a seal, all winter, and should prefei a warmer country. Bevmuda seems, after all, a delightful place, where people have almost perpetual summer ; only the roofs lilow oS like straw-hats, and makes housekeeping very difficfilt, and trees fly about in hurricanes like leaves, viiidk must scatter families dreadfully, and must make t^iarations that are so sudden quite painful. The governor's name is Reid, and he has seen so many iftocms. there, he has written a book about them. Dear Simsoin, who is very witty, says he is " the Reid shaken with the wind." I wish you knew dear Simson — ^he is full cf fan. He says the new theory of storms is, that iostesid of " avaner,'' it takes a " pirouette," and that the whole story of it is this : " Here we go up, up, uj And there we go down, down, downy ; Here we go backward and forward, And there we go round, round, roundy." Tke West Indies is the same, only rather too hot for cbtlfecs, and as flatulent as Bermuda, besides which, wliifte servants can't live there, and black ones won't worft ; so that you must now be slaves to yourselves, ftr which being your own masters is no compensation. Hear Simson says, emancipation means making black wliBte, and white black. Then they sufier from crawling liuaftgs dreadfully, having to stop their ears at night wnik cotton wools to keep them out, as they are always m OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 217 on the look out for the best opening to hide in and breed. Isn't it shocking? So that, at present, we haven't made up our minds where to settle, as every place has its objection to counterbalance its ad- vantages. It's the same with this steamer ; nothing can exceed its splendour, its luxury, and its comfort, but you are always in a fright about blowing up, and expect to be sent out of bed some time or another, without time to put your clothes on, into another world. The com- pany, too, is very genteel, having some real nobility on board, and some imitation ones, called honourables, from the colonies, though the great lords are not tall men at all, and the little ones from the provinces look and talk the biggest of the two. All this is very pleasant, and there are so many foreigners on board, it is as amusing and instructive as travelling into strange countries, only you can't understand a word they say, for they speak as many different languages as they did in the Tower of Babel. Dear Simson is very kind and attentive to me, espe- cially before company, which is very agreeable, and looks well, only I wish he could bear the crying of children a little, very little better; but at night he sometimes gets out of patience, and swears he don't know what they were made for, but to break one's sleep, and destroy one's comfort. Take it altogether, it is certainly very agreeable here, and a sort of I-pity- me of the world, and amusing and instructive, and I must say I enjoy myself very much, and would be / ^^ \ I « V i * If ■ M ^1! 218 TUE LETTER-BAG quite happy, if it wasn't for fear dear Bob would tumble into those horrid boilers, which would make soup and bouillie of him, as dear Simson says, before you could count ten. The very idea is so shocking, I never could taste soup since. So are our plans for emigrating very tempting, and the idea of being exten- sive land owners, and having an estate as large as the Duke of Sutherland's all your own, with herds of cattle and sheep, and horses and buflfaloes, and all sorts of things ; and vineyards, and wine of your own making, and wild deer that cost nothing to keep, and only the trouble of catching, and beautiful prairies (that's the name they give to meadows) so large that it takes you a week to ride across them, — all this is delightful, and makes me think myself a most fortunate woman indeed, if I only knew when it was to come true, or in what part of the globe, for in none of those places I have mentioned would I settle upon any consideration in the world. Dear Simson may if he pleases; but I V on't go ballooning in a hurricane, or be scalped by Indians, or be bowie-knifed by Lynchers, or fright- ened out of my wits by maniacs, or frozen into a pillar of ice like Lot's wife was into salt, or be stifled with codfish smells, for all the estates that ever were, or ever will be. Simson is a dear good fellow, and I am the most fortunate of my sex, and as happy as the day is long, and will follow him with pleasure all the world over, only I wish he thought as I did, that England, after all, is preferable to any of those outlandish places, if I h. ' ^ > -. OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 213 H people would only Miink so ; and they that are discon- tented had better leave it, if they don't like it, and not try to make it anything else ; for the reason I prefer and love dear old England is, because there is no such place in the world, for if there were many such places, then it wouldn't be England any longer. One thing, however, I wish to assure you, and that is, I am quite happy in the possession of dear Simson, who is an angel of a man, only a little home-sick and heart-sick when I think of those I left behind, never, perhaps, to see again in this world. Ever yours faithfully. And tenderly attached, Emma Simson P.S. If my next child should be born in the States, will it be a Yankee, and speak that foreign language, or will it be English ? I don't like to ask dear Sim- son, for he is the most feeling man in the world, and would go crazy at the very mention of another child. Poor dear fellow ! I love him so, and wouldn't do anything to worry him for the universe ; but some things you can't help, and this, in the midst of all my happiness, makes me miserable. I r ) I i J 220 THE LETTER-BAG No. XXVIII, letter from the author. Gentle Keader^ I cannot bring myself to pay so poor a compliment to your taste, or my own performance, as to entertain a doubt that you had no sooner taken up this book, than you became so interested in it as not to lay it down until you had read it through ; nor am I less assured that you felt great regret that there was not more of it. Understanding tolerably well the working of your mind from a long study of the operation of my own, I venture to anticipate a very natural ques- tion you will ask as soon as you have perused it, namely, " Whether the author had any other object in view in writing it than merely the amusement of a leisure hour ?" and hasten to gratify your curiosity by assuring you that I was most undoubtedly actuated by another, and, as you will presently see, a better mo- tive. Had you had an opportunity of lifting the anony- f OF THE GREAT WESTERN* 221 mous veil under which my diffidence finds a shelter, and circumstances had permitted me to have had the honour and pleasure of your acquaintance during my recent visit to Europe, you would have found that, although I am one of the merriest fellows of my age to be found in any country, yet I am a great approver of the old maxim of " being merry and wise,'' being, after my own fashion, a sort of laughing philosopher, and that I most indulge in that species of humour that has a moral in it. "Life in a steamer" is fraught with it, as I shall proceed to show you ; but before I point it out, I must tell you a story, (more meo,) for I find 1 grow somewhat rigmaroUy as I advance in years, and am more and more addicted to the narrative. While making the tour of Scotland, I spent a few days at Kelso for the purpose of exploring the ruins of an ancient abbey, wherein are deposited the remains of the old chieftains, the Slicks of Slickvillehaugh, whose name I have the honour to bear. I do not mention this little circumstance out of personal vanity, for I am too old for that ; and besides, between you and me, I see nothing in an ancient Scottish descent for any rational man to be proud of. I never read of a Scot of the olden time, (notwithstanding all that Sir Walter has collected on the subject), without the idea suggesting itself to my mind of a huge, raw-boned, hard-featured, unbreeched savage, very poor, very proud, and very hairy. Indeed, there are good autho- rities at variance with him on this subject :— - I 222 THE LETTER-BAG "A vest Prince Vortiger had on Which from a naked Scot his grandsire won. tt I Now the obvious meaning of tins passage is, that one of the Prince's predecessors ran down one of these boors in the chase, skinned him, and made a garment of his hide, which he wore as a trophy of his skill and valour, in the same manner as a North American Indian decorates his person with the skin of the bear. This, however, is merely matter of opinion, as well as a digression, and I only mention the circumstance at all, to gratify my American readers, who, though stanch Republicans, are great admirers of old names, and are in a nearer or more remote degree, allied to the first families in the peerage of Great Britain. While thus employed in enacting the part of Old Mor- tality on the banks of the Tweed, I observed, one morning, a more than usually large assemblage of the yeomanry of the country, and upon inquiry found that it was the day of the great corn market. Ah ! said I to myself, now I shall have an oppor- tunity of judging of the fertility of this beautiful agricultural district, by seeing its accumulated pro- ducts ; but you may easily imagine my surprise, when, after having several times perambulated the market, I could not find a single solitary sack of grain. I speered at the first good-natured, idle-looking fellow I saw, (I like that local word speared, it is so appro- priate an expression among the cattle-stealers of a bor<;ler country, where a stranger was always saluted OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 223 I a with a spear, and reae\ed of the care of his goods and chattels ;) I speercd at him the question, Where have the farmers put their corn ? After a long pause, and a broad stare of astonishment at the gross ignorance implied in the query, the fellow replied, "Where? why, in their pouch, sure." Pouch ! the word was new to my American ears, as new as an '' almighty everlastin' frizzle of a fiz" would have been to his. " Pouch !" said I, *' what the devil is that ?" " Here," said he, and putting his hand into his pocket, he pro duced a very small parcel of beautiful wheat, and added, " We sell by samples, sir. The grower goes to his granary, and thrusting his hand promiscuously into the heap of corn, tnlces up as much as it can con- tain, which is called a ' sample,' and this is supposed 80 well to represent the average quality of the entire mass, that the sale of the whole lot is effected upon the inspection of this sample." " Ah," said I, " my friend," ana stretching out the fingers of my right hand, until they represented the radii of a circle, I applied the thumb to the extremity of my nose, in a horizontal position, (an odd old-fashioned custom I had acquired when a boy at Slickville, whenever I had caught a valuable hint,) " ah," said I, " my friend notch !" " Did you ever see the like o' that," said the puzzled Scot to himself, " and wha is he ?" "A wrinkle on the horn," said I, again applying the thumb to its old signal-staff, the nofie, *'and I thank biut, y u r ■f? ^^:-i ■fi I '1 lu '»'I1E LETTER-BAO "A wrinkle on the horn ?'* slowly repeated my as- tonished companion, " puir body, he is daft, as sure as the world." " No, my man," said I, " not daft, but wiser. In America, for you must know I come from that far-oflf country, we tell the ages of our cattle by examining their horns, at the root of which, at the end of three years, there appears a small ring or wrinkle, and each succeeding year is marked by another. This has given rise to a saying, when a man acquires a new idea, that he has got * another wrinkle on his horn,' — do you take ?" " Puir thing/' said he, with a look of great pity, " he has gone clean daft, and he so far from home too, has he nae friends to see till him V and he turned away and left me. But, gentle reader, it was he, and not I, that was daft. He was a clown, and even a Scottish clown, as far as I could observe, is no way superior to a clown of any other country, and he did not understand me. It was a wrinkle in my horn, and I have since availed myself of it. IJudge of mankind by sample. One hundred and ten passengers, taken indiscriminately from the mass of their fellow beings, are a fair "average sample" of their species, the vessel that carries them is a little world, and " life in a steamer " is a good sample of life " in the great world." This little community is agitated by the same passions, im- pelled by the same feelings, and actuated by the same i prejudices, as a larger one. Poor human nature is the I OF THE UKEAT WESTERN. 225 , w Us le same everywhere. Here arc the same complaints, th& same restlessness, and the same air of perverse dis- satisfaction in their letters, as we meet with on land. The analogy that these Atlantic trips lUsplay to the great voyage of life is very striking. We are no sooner embarked, such is the speed with which we advance, than we arrive at our point of destination. Our course is soon run. It is the power of steam in both, and although the scene is varied by calms, fair breezes, and storms, still the great machine is in con- tinual progress. Of those with whom we set out in the voyage of life, how few do we encounter in our subsequent wanderings ! The intimacy that common hopes and common dangers generate, gradually sub- sides, and if we meet, we meet, alas ! coldly, formally, and as strangers. Life in a steamer is actually teem- ing with a moral. Are you a politician ? you may confirm or rectify your notions by observing how essential a good, effective, vigorous, business-like administration is to the safety of the ship and the comfort of the pas- sengers. Are you a Christian ? you will not fail to observe, that in consequence of its being requested by the directors that every passenger should attend public worship, every one does so ; from which you may per- ceive the advantages resulting from a union of Church and State ; and when the whole community thus meets together to unite in their supplications, you cannot but see what a blessed thing it is for brethren to dwell together in unity, how immeasurably superior this Q 1/ i^ .y 226 THE L2TTEII-BA0 union is to dissent, and must admit that tlicy wlio laid the foundations of your established national church, were both wise and good men ? Are you a moralist ? then — but I will not pursue it. The analogies and inferences are too obvious to render it necessary for me to trace them, but nevertheless it is a useful and edifying task, and I recommend you to reflect for yourself. From tbese remarks you will observe that " life in a steamer" is " a leaf" of the great " book" of the world, pnd may well be applied "To point a moral and adorn a tale." 1 ' X So much for the general reader, and now a few words at parting to my good friends the Nova Scotians. I am desirous of availing myself of this opportunity to call the attention of my countrymen, the " Blue Noses," to the importance of steam, of which they unfortunately know but little from their own expe- rience; of entreating them to direct their energies rather to internal improvements than political change ; to the development of the resources of their beautiful, fertile, and happy colony, rather than to speculative theories of government ; and also to urge upon them, that the ''responsibility" we require is the respon^ i sibility of steam. Since the discovery of America by Columbus, nothing has occurred of so much importance to the New World as navigating the Atlantic by steamers, ^ai no part of the continent is likely to be benefited OP THE GREAT WESTERN. 227 in- le id by it in an equal degree with Nova Scotia, which ia the nearest point of land to Europe, and must always possess the earliest intelligence from the Old World. AVhiehcver party is. in power in England, Tories or Whigs, the government is always distinguished by the same earnest desire to patronise as it is to protect the colonies, who have experienced nothing at the hands of the; English but unexampled kindness, untiring forbearance, and unbounded liberality. The recent grant of fifty-five thousand pounds a year for the purpose of affording us the advantage of a communi- cation by steam with the mother country, which was not made grudgingly or boastingly, or as an experi- ment, but as early as it was proper or safe for it to be done, and as freely as it was kindly bestowed, leaves us in doubt whether most to admire the munificence of the gift, or the power and wealth of the donors. No country that is kept in a continual state of agita- tion, can either be a happy or a flourishing one, and it is our peculiar good fortune that with us agitation is unnecessary. If there should be anyjittle changes required from time to time in our limited political sphere, and such occasions sometimes do, and always will, occur in the progress of our growth, a temperate and proper representation will always produce them from the predominant party of the day, whatever it may be, if it can only be demonstrated that they are wise or necessary changes. It is the inclination as well as the interest of Great Britain so to treat us; and whoever holds out any doubts on this sirbjeci^ Q 2 OOQ THE LETTER-BAG iHr,1 I / V or proclaims the mild, conciliatory, and parental sway of the imperial government " a baneful domination," is no friend to Nova Scotia or British connexion, and should be considered as either an ignorant or a designing man. Canada has become so burthensome an appendage of the British empire, from the intrigues of discontented men, that many of our friends oti the other side of the water doubt whether it is worth holding at such an enormous expense. Oppressed we never have been; coerced we never will be. Everything has been done that is either just or reasonable or liberal for us. We always have been, and still continue to be, the most favoured people in the British empire. Let us show ourselves worthy of such treatment, by exhibiting our gratitude, and sustain the reputation we have hitherto borne, of being the most tranquil and loyal colony in North America. Let us not be too importunate for change, or we may receive the very proper, but to many the very unexpected, answer, "Govern yourselves; you appear to be so difficult to please, so d(.*tcrmined not to be satisfied, that we give up the attempt in despair — you are independent.^' This is no improbable event, no ideal danger, no idle fear. I regret to say, that such a course has already numerous and powerful advocates in England, and is daily gaining ground, even among our best friends and stanchest supporters. They are wearied out with unfounded complaints, with restless, unceasing cravings for change, and their own repeated, but ineffectual OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 229 attempts to give satisfaction. They say they see no alternative left but coercion, which they v^ill not resort to, or " cutting the tow-rope,^' and casting us adrift. No true friend to his country can contemplate such an event as a dissolution of British connexion without the sincerest regret, the deepest remorse, the most painful apprehensions. The withdrawal of the army and navy from Halifax, the striking of the flag of Old England on the Citadel Hill, and the last parting salute of our old friends, as they left our shores for ever, would be the most mournful spectacle, and the severest infliction, that an avenging Providence has in store for us. It would be a day of general gloom and universal lamentation. All men of pro- perty and reputation — all persons of true British feeling — every man in a situation to do so, would leave us; and capital, credit, and character, would follow in the train. We should be inundated with needy outlaws, unprincipled speculators, loafers, sym- pathisers, and Lynchers, the refuse of America and Europe, and this once happy, too happy country would become an easy prey to civil dissensions, like the petty states of South America, or to the rapacity of foreign adventurers, like the Texas. That such a measure of retributive justice is in store for us, should the infectious agitation of Canada unhappily reach us, no man, who has visited Great Britain, and mingled freely and extensively with its people as I have done, can entertain a doubt. Wherever I went, and with i •( wJW ■ ' ' WMi^'-i II V It. r W' M' *il ' 230 THE LETTER-BAO whomsoever I conversed, the opinions constantly met me, " It would be better for us if we were separated. You never will be content to remain as colonists, you are causing us a greater expenditure than we can afford. We cannot support two Irelands. It is time to give you your independence." This book, what- ever its reception may be, will at least circulate among all my personal friends in England, which is the best evidence I can give of my conviction of the existence of this feeling ; for by proclaiming it in the presence of those by whom I assert that it is entertained, I afford them an opportunity of repudiating it, if unfounded. Let ua not, therefore, be led astray by any of those theories, however plausible and capti- vating they may appear to be, that are now advocated with such intemperate heat in Canada. Nova Scotia never was in so flourishing a condition as it is at present; its trade is enlarging, its agriculture im- proving, and its population increasing most rapidly; while the character of its merchants, for honourable and upright dealing, stands higher than that of any other community on the whole American continent. The topic of politics, unfortunately, engrosses too much attention everywhere, to the exclusion of many indis- pensable duties. Party men arc apt to magnify its importance for their own purposes, and to extol it as a panacea for all the ills of life ; but experience teaches US that the happiness of every country depends upon the character of its pc >plej rather than the form of its ■« - .'■ " .1.- . OF THE GREAT WESTERN. 231 government. Why, asks the philosophical Goldsmith, after an atitntive examination of many of the European states, " Why have I strayed from pleasure and repose, To seek a good each government bestows ? How small, of all that human hearts endure, That part which laws or kings can cause or cure !" Let US keep out of the vortex of political exdte- ment, learn how to value the blessings we enjoy, and study how we can best promote the internal communications, and develop the resources of our native land. The time has come, when the great American and colonial route of travelling must commence or termi- nate at Halifax. On the importance of this to Nova Scotia, it is unnecessary for me to expatiate, as it speaks for itself in a language too plain and intelli- gible to be misunderstood ; but these advantages we can neither fully enjoy, nor long retain, without a ''Rail Road" from Halifax to Windsor. It is now no longer a matter of doubt or of choice ; circumstances have forced it upon us. We owe it to the liberality of the British Government to make all those arrange- ments that shall give full effect to the noble scale upon which they have undertaken the Atlantic steam naviga- tion; we owe it to New Brunswick and Canada to complete our portion of the great intercolonial line ; and above all, we owe it to ourselves not to be behind every other country in appreciating and adopting I t 232 THB LETTER-BAG OF THE GREAT WESTERN. those great improvements which distinguish the present age. And now, gentle reader, it is time for me to make my bow, as well as my sea legs will allow me, and retire. In doing so, permit' me to express a wish that your voyage of life may be the very opposite of that of a steamer in point of duration, and resemble it, as nearly as possible, in the one grand essential — namely, in making the best use of your time. 1 have the honour to be, i Your most obedient servant. The Autuou. THE END. 4 I ItoodfuU A Kinder, FriDterdi 70 to 7C, Long Acve Loudon. W.C« 0/Z3G^ ■*-c r*K'4(w# f. resent make I, and 1 that r that itj as mely. ^ i I, :r p^ '^ ai 1 ^ 1 ; Ma |{ m mm # %H m ■ ' T"T'H^ ? 7 H m' tj 1 i 1. y 1 ," ' m H^liW-t Ov\^ I z'' I ■»< " ■< > ■' » »>■.— w— ^k^