1,' ., '. % \ .,: BY DOM PKDRO. S.J ^-' -N ^v. '- "r ^. S; « tt 1 : PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR BY THE ROSE PUBLISHING COMPANY (Ltd). 1891. ^^.'^■;'"v. ';:-;i:» ,f^ CONTENTS. OLD TIMES AT THE NEW FORT THE CRUISE OF THE PSYCHE . THE TRIALS OF A SPOILT CHILD A DISTINCTION WITH A DIFFERENCE LETTERS TO POLITICONIUS VERACIUS RATIONAL CLUB STORIES :— Surgery in the Far West . An Indian Legend Country Hotels. PERILS OF A HAY-FORK MAN . AN EXPEDITION TO LAKE COUCHICHING FAOB 9 31 64 75 84 93 96 97 100 105 110 / DEDICATION. To His Japanic Majesty, the Micado of Japan : ' Dear Bro. 5T is with the sincerest regard that I dedicate this little volume to you. It has been no less a pleasure to me as to everyone else, to feel the delight of your majestic presence in our city, with all j'^our glittering attendants and high personages of rank — that is when you paid us your first visit ; but it must be confessed that dur- ing your latter visit here, the charm of your Japan- ic Majesty and suite has been more or less efiaced by the emaciated appearance of your train of nobles, and attendants. Your last appearance suggests to your many admirers that you had a long and weary journey, ! \i vi Dedication. and the roads were bad. Rather than dwell on a point that may vex your royal person, I will simply men- tion an opinion generally expressed, which is, that you have been personated to a very large extent by ambitious, but horribly crude, imitators, who have attempted to gain the confidence and dollars of a patient / but critical public, but the scheme could not be worked ' to any great degree. I assure your Japanic Majesty that a successful reception awaits you, in the event of your coming in all your original costumery, and wit and wisdom of your imperial suite. It was your Japanic Majesty's design, no doubt, in introducing Pooh-Bah, the chancellor of your exchequer, and the combined representative of your deparunenta of government, as a fitting example^to this young country, of what may be done in the way of political economy, and a source of relief to the afflicted tax-payer. Though fully appreciating your unselfish intentions, your Japanic Majesty's effort has come a little late in the day— just about one hundred and fifty years behind time. We can conscientiously state that all our institutions— from a school board up to the senate, are fully and completely represented by Pooh-Bahs: unlike your own trusted Pooh- Bah, ours find it no hardship to accept more than one Dedication. vii office, and constantly reach out for more — but from purely patriotic motives. Your Japanic Majesty's reference to Ko-Ko and Fitti- Sing and others, when they are condemned by an unjuat law, that you will have it changed next session, is timely. The trouble with our legislators is, that they do not change an oppressive law for a good one, or create pro- gressive legislation at the next session, but allow retro- gressive laws to remain in force from session to session even unto the third ard fourth generations. If your Japanic Majesty could devise some scheme for killing off some of the sessions of the legislatures and applying them to the law courts, you would accomplish an additional service to this country. " Let the punishment fit the crime," is a maxim that can be justly attributed to your fertility of judgment. It is an, open question whether the punishment tits the crime or not in this country — when the umbrella thief is at large and irresponsible drivers of vehicles dash along crowded thoroughfares, and whirl around corners, eternally en- d*ingering the lives and limbs of Her Majesty's subjects. Who is going to punish civic legislators for lack of pronpti tude in suppressing dangerous nuisances — in railway, general improvement, financial and sanitary matters, while the small boy is promptly jugged for two or three viii Dedication. years, for expropriating a bunch of red carrots, and at the end of his term be promptly turned out a first-class crim- inal ? Who is going to punish the maker of criminal laws that only hit the ignorant and destitute ? Perhaps your Japanic Majesty may think of some plan when next you pay us your annual imperial visit, that will rectify the mixed up affairs existing in this country. Yours Fraternally, Pedro. Note. — It is deemed best by the Author not to ha^'^e " The Editor's Edition," or the preface to the Third Edi- tion appended to these words. The reader will kindly not indulge too hastily in criticism thp^t would reflect favorably on the Author. t V '} OLD TIMES AT THE NEW FORT. SECTION A. AND INTRODUCTORY. eight acres of good arable land. The this Fortress is at the east side, and HE New Fort is about fifty years of age, so saith the chronicler. It is situated about three-quarters of a mile west of the Old Stockade Fort (or what is left of it), in the centre of what is called the Garrison Common. Its buildings forming a quadrangle and surrounded by a high board fence ; the whole occupying about main entrance to is accessible either by way of Bathurst Street and the Old Fort along the lake shore, or from the north by way of King Street West and Strachan Avenue. If the visitor should wish to penetrate the interior of Toronto's great protector, he would have to consult the sentry who marches to and from the high posted gateway through the building, and the archway, some thirty feet distant, dressed in the uniform of the School of Infantry, red striped trousers, red coat and Scotch cap, well whitened belts, all denoting neat- ■-- V' 1 Shetchps. ness and order, pacing with short quick steps, and rifle at the trail. If the aforesaid sentry thought you merited his august permission, the visitor could at . once go through the archway and pass the rack contain- I / ing long and short rifles, on the right wall, bearing in mind, though, to walk with a strictly military gait. After passing through the archway, the mysteries of the New Fort would unfold before him. In the centre o' the quadrangle is a square block of green sward, neat andi trim, with a gravelled roadway, forming on its outeij sides. The two storey stone building on the north of the> green patch is the quarters of the Commandant, andU office. The building is quite modern, gothic in archi- tecture, with balcony in front. Directly opposite, at the fj south of the square, is a stone building, three times as long, plain, high steps leading into it, like the arches of a Chinese bridge, and crowned with a slate roof. Seeing orderlies passing to and from the Commandant's residence, it follows this must be the quarters of the general officers. The east and west sides of the square are flanked by long two storied buildings, similar to the last mentioned, only twice as long. The east building is devoted to the departments of kitchen, sergeants' mess, armory, store- house, etc. The west twin for the canteen, the quar- ters of the privates, etc. As the visitor follows the walk that leads past the southern building of the quadrangle, he abruptly steps upon Lake Ontario, which forms the extreme southern boundary of the Fort. No other guard but the lake- shore protects this part, except two or three pieces of heavy ordnance with their muzzles pointing lakewards, accompanied by a number of cannon balls, the size of foot balls, piled in conical sections. From this point of vantage looking south, there is a wide expanse of blue water, and an indentation in the shore can be seen in the hazy distance that is considered to be the mouth of the Niagara river, and farewell for ever to the American man- Old Times at the New Fort. 11 of- war should it appear with its starry banner flapping in the breeze in the mouth of the Niagara. One shot from one of these long guns, and all is over ; its shaken and battered hulk would be blown clear upon the pier at Lewiston. The lake shore here [makes a descent of about fifteen feet, and built up with stone neatly put together, in the form of breast- work. At the south-west angle of the enclosure, steps descend to the water's edge, where there are a couple of boat-houses, containing a couple of long boats. This completes the description of the New Fort, legitimate successor to the Old Fort. The commanding position occupied by the New Fort, at the western entrance of Toronto harbor, aided by the sewage laden zephyrs of Toronto Bay, make it impreg- nable to the most daring enemy. If the enemy did not fall by the guns of the Fort, they certainly would suc- i-^umb to the deadly aroma of the bay, that would meet the foe, and none would survive to tell what happened. That part of the Garrison Common lying west of the New Fort, and forming the angle between Exhibition Park and the Lake — not a part of the Fort, but used by them, and the militia in general, and by name, the Butts — also offers a point of vantage, to keep off invaders, more by accident than the design of man. The trouble is, the soldiers do not discriminate between a friend and an enemy. Such bullets that do not hit the targets, or get buried in the mounds behind the targets, rake the lake shore beyond, and often find lodgment in persons who knowingly or unknowingly place themselves in line with the ranges, perhaps in the pursuit of pleasure or a stroll on the wharf for a little fresh air, or perhaps taking the shortest way home by boat. These very ignorant persons do not know what resistance the atmosphere offers to the force of a leaden bullet from a Martini rifle at five hun- dred yards. They are supposed to kill at the distance of a mile. It is the duty of the military authorities to (v^ .■' ,: i'<\-^:^'' ■•■■■}• :^- 12 Sketches. point out to those persons, who do not know any better than to live in the west end of the city, that it would be more comfortable if they wore armour without any joints in it while passing in front of the Butts, and at the same time the steamboat companies might build a new line of steamers, completely iron-clad with no port holes, and have the decks cleared when rounding for Duff'erin Street wharf. Of course this comes expensive, and the population in that part of the city is increasing, but the militia can't help that ; a fair warning is a fair warning. It only remains for the citizens who are compelled to use the lake front up there to be very careful and dodge the bullets, and recommend to the military people to put white feathers on their bullets to facilitate the dodging. For it is certain the bullets will not dodge the citizens. If the citizens who have occasion to pass in front of the rifle butts, were confined to a certain class of humanity, there might be wisdom in retaining the butts for rifle practice. Among those who might be safely left to the mercy of stray bullets, are — aldermen who give away the interests of the city, gentlemen who lend money at five per cent, per month, on gilt edge security, bank wreckers, partisan editors, registrars that will not accept their fees, the politician who talks for the people and acts for him- self ; all annexationists, editors who never can be bought, merchants that sell below cost, haughty bank clerks, irre- sponsible civil service clerks, men who raise the prices of the necessities of life when times are the hardest, rail- way managers who want the earth and give nothing but impudence in return, and a host of others of a like quality ; — but whoever heard of these persons being found in the neighbourhood of danger ? It is a choice whether the butts or the city should be removed. It is the duty of ail peaceable citizens to find a new site for the city. Butthis sketch has to do wioh events that took place in or about the year 1884, prior to the establishment of the Old Times at the New Fort. 13 c« School of Infantry, when the household troops, or com- panies A and B of cavalry commanded by Col. D., Adju- tant D., and Capt. D., were lodged, housed and fed within the sacred quadrangle of '^he New Fort, and will be en- larged upon in another section. SECTION B. THE STORM AND ITS EFFECTS. NE night while A and B companies, Body Guard, were quai'tered at the New Fort, the sky was overcast with dark masses of tlying clouds, making in a north-westerly direction. The lake -was agitated to its lowest depths ^v^ by the tierce onslaught of the hurricane ; while xJ^ the breakers, as high as I'ows of houses, tumbled over each other in' quick succession, and fell with a crash on the sturdy shore, like the distant boom of hun- dred ton guns. The wind shrieked, snorted and howled around the gables of the fortress. Scream after scream rent the air, as if a legion of demons were engaged in mortal combat with the elements, and flung against the unyielding sides of the quadrangle. It is certain, if they had been mortal, they would have been badly broken up. In the building occupying the south side of the quad- rangle, and while the tempest was at its greatest fury, the forms of soldiers could be dimly seen lying, rolled up in their blankets, in various attitudes of sleep, and the sentry pacing up and down the room to keep himself warm, as the wind whistles through the apartment. The windows had the appearance natural to them after a siege ; they were in a dismantled condition ; not a whole 14 Sketches, pane of glass was left in that part of the building. The warriors snoring on the floor, the sentry on guard, and nothing to prevent the rancorous wind from blowing through their quarters, looked like the conclusion of a great battle. But who or where is the foe ! The next morning '.vas clear and calm, and the only traces of the storm visible were the muddy appearance of the inshore waters of the lake, and pools of water wher- ever they could Hnd hollows to run into. Private McGuzzle, while sampling his morning libation, at the canteen of the Fort, remarked that the boj'^s were having a liigh old time the evening before at their quar- ters. What with singing, dancing, and joking, mingled with foaming schooners of beer, the ardent spirits of the boys broke loose, and charging on the windows with their swords, broke every window in sight as if they were imaginary foes. Tired after the slaughter of the window- panes, combined with the exhilarating draughts of brew- er's tonic, each man threw himself on the floor, rolled up in his blanket, and soon all were snoring in unison with the storm outside, except Corporal Squad, an old soldier who had " seen times " in the regular army. As aforesaid, he stayed on guard the whole blessed night; the raid on the window-glass and the general disorder of the quarters impressed him with the belief that it was an actual bom- bardment, and that there were thousands of the enemy outside waiting to capture the garrison if the bold corpo- ral once halted in his walk. We were awakened by his eternal pacing, and asked him to give us a rest, in the orthodox profanity of the day, and emphasized our re- quest by firing at him hard-tack, boots, pouches, and any- thing we could lay our hands on; but he stuck to his post like a well-disciplined veteran and held the Fort • against all comers. After another round of "good healths," Private Mc- Guzzle was sufficiently fortified to go further into the events ot the night, when the bugle sounded for par- ade, and he departed in all haste. Old Timea at the New Fort. 15 As Private McGuzzle afterwards explained, there was a sort of rivalry between A and B companies, to such an extent that they were on the verge of war, many a time, when each company tried to outshine the other in drill and smartness generally. While the troops were at drill, a searchin-]; investiga- tio). took place by the officers in command, as to the cause of the broken windows of the previous night. A company knew nothing about the affair, nor B. company, Whoever did the damages, would, as the Colonel said, be made a horrible example of, and he strode around look- ing tierce, and waiting for the criminal or criminals, to get on their knees and turn Queen's evidence ; but no one offered to satisfy his longing to inflict knapsack-drill or brick-parade. As Corporal Squad, with the rest of B company, occu- pied that part of the building where the windows were broken, they were naturally suspected of having a hand in the destruction of Her Majesty's Fortifications, but they one and all swore that they didn't know the first thing about it, believed it was the storm that did it. " But," said the Colonel, with a vicious smile, " Why didn't the storm break all the other windows ? " Corporal Squad, speaking for B company, tried to ex- plain how the wind blowing between the two outer build- ings, its force was at its greatest at their windows, but the Colonel wouldn't listen to it ; the whole company were looked upon as guilty — it was a critical juncture, when Private McGuzzle spoke out, and said he thought or he believed that A company put up a job on B company to get even for some old grudge. By such skilful parrying B company directed suspicion to their old time enemies, A company. So opinion was divided ; and it all ended by giving both companies a warning to desist in future, or the most vigorous punish- ment would ensue. 16 Sketches. This was another stave in the barrel of wrath which A company had in store for B company on some future occasion. It remains to be seen how they got even. It also remains to be seen how the discipline, strictly im- pressed upon the troops, was adhered to. SECTION C. THE FRESH RECRUIT. "^AMES FIZZ was not a raw recruit, but he was a very fresh one. He had, prior to join- ing the Gov'r Gen's Body Guard, belonged ^ to a corps of rifles, and owing to a disagree- ment with the command of that regiment, which consisted of uttering harsh language against our Queen and her loyal militia, while taking part in sundry manoeuvres on the sunny banks of the Niagara. James has a highly brittle temper, and from that cause alone, especially when subjected to the petty abuses of sub-officers, he lost control of his tongue and made use of remarks derogatory to his own regiment, and lavished encomiums on his confreres who signed the pay-roll of the men-at-arms of the neighboring Republic. His chief offence was in comparing American blue coat to the detriment of his own exclusive u-nd incomparable corps. Doubtless James had no intention of saying anything unpatriotic; the probability is he was filled uj) with American lager and conviviality, and in a moment of in- spiration committed that offence for which the honors acquired by years of good conduct were snatched from him in so many minutes, and he reduced to the rank of full private. Old Times at the New Fort. 17 James's heart rebelled afc such ingratitude, and the regi- ment in which he was beginning to rise to unknown heights, he left to its fate, and quitted it for ever. What James s motive was for joining the cavalry, re- mains an unsolved problem ; perhaps it was to show to the world, and to his late corps in particular, that his days, as a man-destroyer, were not numbered, and that he was neither disheartened nor vanquisher^ and some day his rise would make them howl with envy. He did rise, too, and he also fell ; but we will deal with that anon. Private McGuzzle was an old acquaintance of James Fizz — or, as the boys with a due deference to brevity, called him — Jim Fizz. (It may properly be noted here that the language of the militia is bereft of that super- fluous verbiage which i.-i the special prerogative of the legal profession, and its almost inaccessible labyrinths. Though the word " brief " is frequently used, it does not shorten the verbosity, but simpl}' puts all the form.s of law affecting a case in an encyclopaedia that can be carried around in a bag instead of an express waggon ; on the other hand, military terms are precise and to the point ) Therefore Jim Fizz was introduced to B com- pany, by Private McGuzzle, without any formality or a state banquet. Jim Fizz soon familiarized himself with our quarters, and it was not long before his true nature began to assert itself. He never allowed an opportunity to slip that would get us all into trouble, while he would manage to wriggle out, and leave the rest of us to shoulder the re- sponsibility. He had hair the color of a very ruddy sun- set, an expression denoting both sagacity and absence of mind, nose and mouth that marked considerable curiosity, eyes with a long-range look in them, erect, spare figure, and there you have Jim Fizz. The very day of Jim Fizz's introduction to the troop, ^ there was ball practice at the Butts. y So many rounds are pivon to each man, and when the a 18 Sketches. filing is over it is tlie custom to return the unused cart- ridges. Jim Fizz, as Private McGuzzle afterwards told the boys, had neglected to return his, and on returning to the Fort, found about a dozen cartridges in his pouch. What to do was a puzzle. If they were found on him it meant the guard house, sure. There was an old wood stove in the room, and ranged around against the walls, were the iron bedsteads for the accommodation of the troop. All the old paper, dust and other combustible refuse, were stuffed into the old stove. On the top of this Jim Fizz dropped his cartridges, when no one was present. After the boys were dismissed, they filed into the bar- racks, and were soon lounging about the room, smoking, chewing, spitting, arguing and having an easy and com- fortable time generally. One of the boys had just lit his pipe, then opened the stove and threw in the lighted match — never dreaming what a mine was laid there. The old paper and stuff took fire — Jim Fizz was talking and looking nt the stove in an absent sort of way. Suddenly he jumped up and made a break for the door, and when he got out, poked his head in again and said, " Boys the stovfc is full of ball cartridges !" Never was there such a stampede before ; they all got out as one man. Col. Booker's retreat was nothing compared to it, and they banged the door after them. They went off to a safe distance and waited; there was'nt along wait; bang, bang, double bang, then a whole volley, and all was still. We all rushed back again from one side, and the staff and A company from the other. Our former deviltries placed us in rather bad repute with the officers. So they thought they had us this time. When they heard the explosion, they imagined the maga- zine had exploded, or a dynamitard had got within the sacred enclosure — it made a horrible noise. Captain D. asked the meaning of all this and who was the perpetrator ? Old Times at the New Fort. 19 " ■ We told him we knew nothing about it, as we just rushed in to see what the matter was. Of course we could'nt account for it. " However," he said, " this thing has to be stopped and discipline maintained ! " Private McGuzzle here spoke up: "I'll tell you just how it was Captain." We were outside cleaning our guns, and when we heard the bombardment we rushed right in and met you, and that's all there is about it The Captain did'nt take much stock in what Private Mc- Guzzle said, but told us, " This matter will be probed right to the bottom, so prepare yourselves for court-martial before the Colonel to-morrow." Then the Captain, with the other officers and A company, left us to look after the ruins. We turned into our quarters, and the sight that met our gaze was something thrilling. The plaster wasknocked off" the walls and ceiling in fifty places, and the fragments scattered all over the bedding. But where was the stove ? The stove was smote hard ; the floor was nearly paved with the pieces. And the stove-pipe looked as if it had been on a big spree and got all broken up. Besides the stove, there was'nt much damage done ; and that was'nt worth more than seventy-five cents for old iron. The next day we were summoned before the Colonel, and underwent a severe examination ; but nothing could be made of us; we did'nt know anything about the affair; how could we tell ? We were outside cleaning our guns. (We knew Jim Fizz put the cartridge in the stove, but being one of our troop, we could'nt give him away.) Jim being a new recruit, and looking so innocent and unconcerned, was hardly asked a question. A company were on hand to say all they could against us ; but we got off all right. All the same we were con- sidered a pretty hard crowd. We determined to get even with A company for the 20 Sketches. part tlicy took against us, and we were rewarded with a chance. Next day, Private ]McOuzzle has on record, he went to see the paymaster, Major , to draw some money to sustain him through the rest of the camp — canteen inci- dentals, etc. The Major brought up the subject of the stove explo- sion, and asked Private McGuzzle to make a clean breast of it, as he was sure he knew all about it. But Private McGuzzle said he could give no informa- tion when he did'nt know himself. Well, said the Major, I suppose you are quite willing to pa;/ for the stove ? Yes, said Private McGuzzle, I am quite willing to pay my share. " Well, McGuzzle, as this is a very serious charge, which, in time of war, would be enough to make the offenders, subject for target practice with ball cartridge, even under the ordinary rules of discipline, so I will charge you three dollars a piece for the old stove." Private McGuzzle, retorted that " this was'nt war time, and he did'nt feel inclined to pa}^ a dollar a pound for old iron. So far as discipline went, the boys were always ready to do their duty, within the hours set apart for drill instruction, according to the rules and regulations. But as they were volunteers and respectable citizens, they had aright to spend their leisure time in the enjoy- ment of their fancies, and would do so in spite of the pomposity and imitation of imperial arrogance of the commanding officers." Private McGuzzle stood up straight in his five feet eleven inches, while giving utterance to his views, head high in the air, face flushed with con- scious independence — assisted by ingredients from the canteen. Turned his blonde moustache to the right about, a well built soldier, not a slave to military despotism. Old Times .: the New Fort. 21 SECTION D. THE UISE AND FALL OF JIM FIZZ. \{K same day Private McGuzzle had the inter- view with the paymaster, A and B companies had a competition in sword exercise. B company carried oft" the honors of the dpy, to the utter humiliation of A company. Their cup of vengeance was filled right up to the brim, with a froth on the top ; and before the froth settled down they intended settling up with B company. Private McGuzzle, Jim Fizz, Corporal Squad and the rest of the boys, were smoking their good night pipes, and donned their good night caps from the canteen. Then lights out and everyone tumbled into bed. Shortly after an assortment of snores greeted the silence of the night. A disturbed warrior every now and then rose up and said, quit that, and made use of some vague threats, then went off to sleep again. Jim Fizz was throwing boots, soap and other articles of toilet at the unconscious sleepers ; having a good time by himself. In the quarters of A company, there was a small council of war amongst its members, as to the means of getting even with B company for past offences. It was decided to make a midnight attack on their ancient foe. No sooner was it decided upon than it was carried out. So each man supplied himself with a knotted towel, and marched out with noiseless tread to the sleeping apart- ment of B company. B company boys were still in deep sleep, and even Jim Fizz got through with his tricks, and was making 22 Sketches. » night hideous with the variety of his snorts, when suddenly the door was burst open, and in rushed the revengeful A company boys, and laid on their knotted towels with telling effect. Before the B company boys could fairly realize the state of affairs, they were getting whacked in great style. As they wakened up to the facts of the case, they waded into the fray, and charged on A company, banged and pounded the midnight aggressors, and neither accepted nor gave quarter. A company were in full retreat, with B company close on their heels, followed also by boots, belts and mixed profanity,^when "guard, turn out !" was borne shrilly upon the night air. Shortly after, the guard came on the run towards the scene of the riot. When both companies saw the guard they made a break for their quarters in opposite directions, but three of B company were captured and hustled into the guard house. As they couldn't or wouldn't give an account of them- selves, and the cause of the racket, they were sentenced to three dpys' imprisonment in the guaid house. On the last day of their sentence some of B company were on guard, and, in order to keep up the spirits of their caged comrades, they contrived to supply them with whiskey, tobacco and pipes, in large quantities. The prisoners had a high old time the rest of their confine- ment. On being released they were paralyzed with — the tobacco. The Colonel was very wrath, and demanded to know who supplied them with the goods. But the boys were too full for utterance. The command could never find out, although the most minute inquiry'- was made — B company was the stuff that real soldiers were made out of. We must now turn our attention to Jim Fizz, whose career thus far has been barren of extraordinary events. Old Times at the New Fort. 23 The third day after his commencement of a new military existence, he was promoted to the lofty elevation on the back of a horse sixteen hands high, in his horse-shoes. Like all high places, it is not easy to keep when you get them ; as Jim found out to his sadness. His experience as a foot soldier in no way fitted him to acquire that easy motion in the saddle that gives comfort to the rider and delight to the spectator. When Jim got promoted to such an unusual height — in other words mounted — he found it easier to ride a horse when on the ground than in the saddle. The horse wanted to go one way and he another. Jim was riding on the horse's neck oftener than on that place designed by nature and the harness-maker, as the proper place for a graceful rider; however, with much anxiety and con- tortions of hia anatomy, he managed to keep in line with the troop — with the slight, but unimportant, exception of a yard or two. Bulge up there in the centre ; — came in clarion tones of command from Sergeant Bluster, as the steeds forhied a half circle instead of a straight line. " Where do you get that word of command?" said Captain D to the Serg^eant. " I never saw it in the manual." As Sergeant Bluster w^as not very well versed in the nice technicalities of military law he made no reply, but got so red in the face that one could light a cigar on it. The boys snickered audibly — that was one on the Ser- geant, who was fond of making a display of his authority, and was an old soldier. xifter the drill was over Jim, more dead than alive, sought his couch — there to recover from his wounds, and resolved to retire from the cavalry — unless he could do his drilling with a horse and buggy. There is a zigzag path down the side of the declivity,, leading to the lake, where every day the boys ride down to water their horses. 24 Sketches. Jim Fizz's trials were not over yet. As Private McGruzzle and he were riding their horses down the hill — the rest of the troop on the top looking down at them — Jim Fizz's horse bolted forward, and dashed down the hill, as if he intended breaking his own and his rider's neck ; Jim got as white as a ghost and embraced the horse's neck with considerable tenacity, while those above were yelling, hooting and laughing for all they were worth at Jim's Mazeppa-like career. As soon as the horse arrived at the water's edge he stepped short, and Jim was gracefully fired out towards the middle of the lake — like the leap for life in the circus — instead of an acrobat hanging by his toes to catch him, the chill waters of Lake Ontario received his unwilling person. Jim swore under and above the water that he was done with military life, there was more liberty in being a civilian anyway. So when the garrison broke up he carried his high resolve into effect, Jim Fizz's name was therefore erased from the annals of martial fame. So bright and vivacious a character as Jim Fizz's, and one whose genius is only equal to his energy for adven- ture, will find a fitting place in the chapter of human events on some future occasion. Jim Fizz will no more appear in these pages. His military aspirations have been cooled by the cold waters of destiny, and the eccentricity of substituting a sweat pad for the regulation saddle — built of pig-skin. Old Times at the Netv Fort. 25 SECTION E. A COMPANY BAllRED OUT — FROLICS WITH A CALF — A MILI- TARY BANQUET — CONCLUSION. 'T was the last day of the annual drill at the new Fort. Private McGuzzle, Corporal Squad, and a few more choice spirits of B company, were having a reunion at the canteen, and go- ing over the events of the past few days, he- re they departed for their several homes, under the auspices of the usual bumpers. When any members of the troops wished to go to town, to see their friends, or for other purposes, they had to get passes for leave of absence, and were required to be in at a certain hour, at which hour the gates close, and a sentry is placed at the wicket, near the big gate, to take the passes of the late comers. The absencj of the pass meant the guard house. One night about half a dozen of A company got leave of absence, and the same night some of B company were told off for sentry duty. About eleven o'clock, p.m., the fellows from A company presented themselves at the wicket for admission. (The B company sentry thought it a good chance to get even tor the knotted '■jowel business, and made the best of it.) " Well, if you want to come in, give me your passes," said the inside. " We have our passes all right, let us in," said the outside. "You can't get in here till you pass in your checks," re- plied the inside, firmly. So they had to hand them in with a good deal of un- willingness, and with some threats of getting even later on ; but they did'nt get in just then. B 26 Sketches. The guard came around to relieve the sentry, who put the passes in his pocket without saying anything about the A company men outside. When the new sentry went up to the v/icket (a 1 > com- pany man , the outside demanded admission, as they had handed in their passes. " Well, I did not get any passes," coldly answered the ney sentry. The outside swore they had just passed them through the wicket. " I guess you must have given them to the old sentry whohas just been relieved," said the unsympathetic sentry. " I can't let you in without your passes ; it's against the rules, you know." The A company men thereupon swore, pleaded, bluff- ed, and shook their fists at the sentry, but it was no use ; they could'nt make much noise, or they would have been run in the guard-house, so they had to prowl around out- side the fence all night in the cold, chilly atmosphere, and the heavily falling dew. B company considered the trick played on A company worth a week's pay, and they got no end of fun out of it. The next day, after the night scene at the wicket, Pri- vate McGuzzle was doing sentry duty. While he was tramp- ing up and down, every, now and then casting anxious looks in the direction of the canteen, where some of the boys were naving a social, peculiar to canteens, two or three of B company came dashing around the corner of the building holding a calf by a rope, and the calf was kicking up its heels and bawling frantically, while the cow to which it claimed parentage was complaining in a deep basso, from its corral at the rear, at the rude way its family was torn from its side. As the calf and the boys disappeared around the building, for what purpose Private McGuzzle did'nt know, anyway, he did not inter- fere with the fun, it was hardly a minute after, when Old Times at the Neiu Fort. 27 the Grand Rounds, in command of Lieut. H , came along in a liuiTy, having noticed some kind of a coiumo- tion in the quarter of the calf-abduction. "Did you notice some men taking .something around the corner, McGruzzle ?" "No, I did'nt," answered Private McGruzzle (who forgot to salute his superior oflicer), " I saw nothing at all — not even a beer waggon." Lieutenant H. looked at Private McGruzzle in a very doubting manner. " I will go and look around, if you like," said Private McGuzzle, " and see if there's any one around." He got permission and went around behind the stable, climbed up to the hay-loft, found a hole in the hay, and slept for three hours. Meanwhile his absence was noted, and the commandant was about to institute enquiries as to Pri- vate McGruzzle's prolonged absence, when our hero turned up, looking sleepy, and hay sticking in his hair and on his back. " Well McGruzzle," said Lieutenant H., " bow do you account for your absence fiom your post ; this is very serious, indeed ?" " Well, I'll just tell you how it was," answered Private McGruzzle. " You told me to look behind the barrack and find out what was going on ;" well, I could'nt see anything wrong, so I just got back. There wasn't a hole or corner inside the Fort that I did'nt carefully search, but could find no signs of disorder." Lieutenant H. remarked to some of his brother officers that Private McGuzzle, he believed, was the biggest liar between the new fort and Quebec. He (Private McGruz- zle) knew as much about the truth as a cow about stewed oysters. The military banquet held on the last night of the camp in honor of a certain officer of the Q. 0. K. was a grand aftair, in the words of Private McGruzzle, whose usual clear-cut style supplied all the details. 28 Sketches. The banquet was j^aven by the officers, non-coins and ])iivates of A and B companies, Grov.-Gren. Body Gruard. The table groaned with tlie weight of the solid eating materials, all that goes to make up a liilarious banquet; and the banqueters groaned afterwards. Toasts were drunk to the Queen, the Army and Navy, the Colonel and to one anothei* in great profusion. Toasts were the order of the evening. Speeches were made, songs sung, songs half sung, counter songs, mixed songs, and the beer circulated with great rapidity. Sergeant Bluster rose up to offer a toast to His High- ness the Emperor of the Sandwich Islands. "Beer, beer," shouted lialf-M-dozen banqueters, and a half-a-dozen pitchers of beer were held to him to fill up. Sergeant Bluster offered to sing a song. Beer, beer, give him some more beer. Sergeant Bluster struggled to his feet to relate how Tel-el-keber was taken. G-ive him some more beer, fill up old boy, till Sergeant Bluster was so full he could'nt hold anymore ; and could hardly keep his eyes open. Whenever he attem))ted to rise some of the watch- ful banqueters emptied jugs of beer down his back till he swam in beer. There was no end of beer that night ; we must have chartered a brewery. It was a great night, and how it ended very few of us knew. The beer must have been drugged. There wasn't a dry spot on the floor. That was an old time banquet, said Private McG uzzle, as he remarked, " here's a go." • ■■••••■•a The boys were pretty mad, said Private McGruzzle, when the paymaster deducted three dollars each from our pay for the old stove. A stove of that description could be bought for five dollars, new, which we had to pay fifty for. We resolved that if our pay was reduced, according to that figure, we would leave the Body Guard. We left. It was some months after camp was over before we got the balance of our pay. The money was sent from Old Times at the New Fort. 29 headquarters before we broke up, and left in the proper hands for distribution among the troops. For some un- explained reason it didn't reach us for a long time after — when it was the least use. There is no doubt the money was lying in the bank to the credit of the proper officer, and drawing interest. Perhaps the paymaster thought if the money were paid promptly we would set up a competition troop, or desert our country and join the Portuguese army. Whatever the reason was, we had to wait till it was the pleasure of the command to pay. If we had got the interest on our money, it would have passed — but we did'nt. " Once more " to old B company, and " one " to the confusion of A company — and the canteen knows private McGuzzle and his loyal comrades, no more. • ••«• ••«•• The waves still lap against tne masonry built shore. The guns still menace the invader. The bullets still fly at large on the Garrison Common. The quadrangular buildings of the New Fort have not deviated one quarter of an inch from their foundations since they were first built. But a change has taken place in the internal arrangement of the New Fort, All the high carnival sort of fun has departed with the volunteer troops. Everything now is orderly, regular and ominous of serious discipline. Every man is a machine, that acts with perfect accuracy, when the operatoi' touches the button. There, under the verandah of the building on the east side of the quadrangle, is a Bquad of red-coats marching towards the kitchen, in double file, every two men carry- ing a hand-barrow containing about five pounds of meat. These bearers of meat, are, by the military dictionary, called a " fatigue " party. It is ironically called fatigue because no one was ever known to get tired of that sort of exercise, unless the mere mention of it, tired them, which is a quite reasonable deduction, from the small ftmount of labor performed with so much pomp. 30 Sketches. Whatever usefulness may be ascribed to the nucleus of our regular army, whose proficiency in military mechan- ism is beyond question, it is certain they are a very ornamental body. It is rather touixh on the citizen soldiers — men of the highest business intelligence — representatives of the electorate — men who know their importance as consti- tuent parts ef the political and intellectual development of the country whi(^h they claim as the heritage of a free and sovereign people — to have sup])ressed every sign of social amusement and unconstrained hilarity, which are only too apt to break out in their old time glory at these annual musterings of the volunteer brigades. If the military satraps imagine that the volunteers, when they cast off their fashionable and well cut tailor-made clothes, to crawl into regimentals cut out in a saw-mill, will lose their identity as civilians, and become machines, or conscripts, it is a mistake the commanding ofiicers (mili- tary coxcombs) will have sooner or later to acknow- ledge, according as the volunteers improve in efficiency, and the consciousness of their responsibility as citizens and soldiers. A free interchange of civilities and forbearance between the rank and file and the aspiring C?esars for martial renown, will go a long way to cement the cordiality among the officers and men, and the well being of the state, which all have in common. As Private McGuzzle would say : " Ho, for the volun- teers, the fun-loving volunteers, the freedom-loving volunteers, the forage-loving volunteers, the bulwark q| the nation ! " "^ v^ THE CRUISE OF THE PSYCHE. ONE KNOT. THE PSYCHE SETS SAIL — THE DESERTION — THE SECOND MATE FALLS A VICTIM TO SEA MALARIA. ->- f UN up the mainsail, cast off the painter ; luff, luff there, 3'ou lubbers I " hoarsely yelled Captain Filup, as the trim yacht, Psyche, of twenty tons burden, shot away from her moorings, at the foot of Simcoe-street. The Psyche was formerly a steam yacht, but as coal was then, and still is, very high, her owners decided to sell the machinery to the highest bidder, and .'I convert her into a double-masted schooner yacht, which ' was likewise done. She was therefore on an extended voyage to Frenchman's Bay, and other seaports betwixt Toronto and Cobourg, to renew her cargo if necessity de- manded, in command of Captain Filup, with a crew con- sisting of first mate, Charley Soaker; second mate, Lap us LingUa3, and a baker's dozen of men, including the ship's surgeon, and the cabin boy, Pierre Miquelon, all told. 31 32 Sketches. The Psyche carried a mixed cargo of barreled lager, bottled ale, ten gallons of prime seven-year-old rye, and about a half a ton of ham sandwiches, plentifully bespat- tered with Keene's mustard. As the Psyche was scudding along under a full head of canvas, with a rolling motion, and cutting through the swell caused by the ruthless island ferry boats, and show- ering up the spray like the froth on fresh lager, on a holiday, b)^ her sharp prow, while rounding Queen's wharf, and directing the bow-sprit towards the open sea, sou-west by south. " Ahoy there, Pierre !" called llie cap- tain, " go below and find out what is keeping first mate Soaker and second mate LingujB." The first and second mates should have been above decks, to look after the course of the ship, as the chart indicated shoals off the north-west part of Hanlan's point. The captain impatiently walked up and down, for it was his intention to go below to make an entry in the ship's log. Pierre suddenly appeared through the hatchway and said, " Oh, Le Filup, captaine," — Pierre was of French extraction, — " Messrs. Soaker and Linguae to me say, ' le captaine tell, the pot jack, they have them not got through the half, ar.d le captaine tell him to le diable might go,' and they what you call the lager drink." "What !" roared the captain, and he staggered back, as if struck a mortal blow, then uttered a low moan. " I thought I heard sounds below, like the murmur of revelry by night. A mutiny, and the arms in possession of the crew ! So they have cracked the cargo ; they got there before me. I will be avenged. The Union Jack flies in these waters, or I am a ring-tailed sea serpent! " and his eagle eye swept the lake. There were an v number of crafts in siofht, from a single lugger up to a three-masted schooner, not to speak of steamboats, all carrying Union Jacks, some carrying a dozen or two, in fact they were so thick that if a trumpet The Gy^mse of the Psyche. 33 were blown from the Psyche's deck, a Union Jack would flap at its breath. And a trumpet did sound, in a loud and prolonged blast, from the lips of Captain Filup, who ordered all hands on deck to man the pumps, but all hands were attending to the pumps below, and didn't budge. The captain, maddened beyond all description, rushed down the hatchway, and found that his worst fears were realized. There, lying on the floor, alongside of a lot of empty beer bottles, with his head pillowed on a big bundle of sandwiches, was first mate Soaker, already unconscious ; second mate Linguae sitting clt)se to the table, laughing hysterically ; the deep glow of his nose trying to o'er-match his hair, the liquid on the table, floor, and his shirt-front, appeared as if he spared not the lager, and just as the captain entered on the scene, he topped off with a very deep draught of seven-year-old. The rest of the crew, counting the ship's surgeon, were playing poker, and indulging in a sailors' hornpipe, and singing songs of the deep, such as " He's a jolly good fellow," " Blow ye winds, I oh !" " Hornpipes," though were in great demand, either from the bottle or the barrel. "J^.vast there ! " thundered Captain Filup, foaming with rage ; " mutinous dogs ! I will have you all swung to the yardarm." The whole crew trembled and turned as pale as their potations would allow them, except the first and '^^econd mates ; the first mate still kept to his trance, and the second mate went further into hysterics. The ship's surgeon complained, that the first and second mates were the first to break into the cargo, and made the crew do the same, though much against their wills. The crew saw that the first and second mates wouldn't be likely to contradict them for some time to come, and in the meantime they would make an excuse to go ashore and abandon the ship, where there was so much peril of their necks. The opportunity soon came, 34 Sketches. Tho captain being somewhat soothed, said ho would consider the matter, and walked over to one of the half empty barrels of lap^er, and a lon^ij time did not elapse before he was full and the barrel a great deal emptier; ho shortly became groggy, and went off in a stupor. The good ship, was then a prey to the winds and the waves, and to the contracted experience of Pierre Miquelon. Now was the grand chance for the crew to get off. They mounted the hatchway like a shower of sky- rockets ; to bind Pierre to tho mast, cast anchc and lower the dingy, was the work of a minute, and in tj.irty more they reached the shore and liberty. Took the ferry boat over, and hid in the purlieus of the city for two months under assumed names, till the whole thing blew^ over. TWO KNOTS. PIERRE IS RELEASED FROM CAPTIVITY — THE FIRST MATE COMES OUT OF HIS TRANCE — THE SECOND MATE's KN- GAGEMENT BECOMES HARASSING TO HIM. HEN Captain Filup awoke from his stupor, he looked around tiercely, as a dim con- " "> »/^^.»,v^. sciousness of what took place occurred to him. *%^^S}0'fi' " Where are those pirates," he shouted," till I j'sfe'^^^ wipe the decks with them ? " There was no wipe ^•>!j^j7 response, save the flapping of the sails above. He ||// became quite aw^ake, and looked around. There was the first mate, Soaker, still in a profound trance, with his head nestling among the ham sandwiches. The second mate was writhing in the throes of mortal agony, The Cruise of the Psyche. 36 ar