Thomas E.Tobin, C.SS.R. what women should know about i^eri Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2013 http://archive.org/details/whatwomenshouldkOOtobi WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN Thomas E. Tobin, C.SS.R. LIGUORIAN PAMPHLETS AND BOOKS Redemptorist Fathers Liguori, Missouri 63057 Imprimi Potest: JohnN. McCormick, C.SS.R. Provincial, St. Louis Province Redemptorist Fathers February 2, 1961 Imprimatur: St. Louis, February 4, 1961 + Joseph Cardinal R it ter A rchbishop of St. Louis Published by Liguorian Pamphlets & Books Eleventh Printing / May 1972 Printed in U.S.A. More than one marriage has been rendered unhappy because the wife failed to understand the way her husband looks at things. Here are some points on masculine psychol- ogy for new and old brides. WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN Thomas E. Tobin, C.SS.R. Dear Barbara, Your lovely wedding invitation reached me and since my duties will not permit me to be with you on that great day, I hasten to extend my best wishes to you and Bill and the promise of my prayers that you may have a very happy and holy marriage. I know that you love each other very much and wish to give yourselves to each other with that unselfish love which is the secret of every happy married life. You have asked me to set down some words of advice that will help you to become the wife that God wishes you to be. There are many 5 things that I could say, but I will limit myself to just one very impor- tant idea — that your happiness will depend to a great extent on whether you understand and respect the basic differences between man and woman, between you and Bill. You and your husband are in- tended to become one in mind, soul and body. This is not easy because you and Bill, by the fact that you are a woman and he a man, differ in so many ways from each other. Unless you are aware of these differences, you will naturally expect him to think, feel and act in the same way as you do. Without this understand- ing, you will never reach the har- mony that God intends in marriage. You would be misinterpreting his ac- tions and words because you would be giving them a feminine meaning. "If I did or said that, I would mean this." But a man's words and actions are masculine, and do not necessarily 6 mean the same as a woman's words and actions. God has given each of you different gifts to bring to the unity of married love. MALE AND FEMALE There is a certain so-called pro- gressive group of women who have tried to assert their equality with men. These women have thought that they would become the equals of men by losing their specific femi- nine identity. They have attempted to make themselves smaller versions of the male sex. They have tried to have the same education and training as men on the assumption that it is education and not nature which has made them different. The truth of the matter is that the Creator has made them different: "Male and female He made them." Pope Pius XII expressed this fun- damental idea very clearly: "In their personal dignity as children of God a 7 man and a woman are absolutely equal, even as they are in relation to the last end of human life, which is an everlasting union with God and the happiness of heaven. But a man and woman cannot maintain and per- fect this equal dignity of theirs ex- cept by respecting and activating the characteristic qualities which nature has given each of them, physical and spiritual qualities which cannot be eradicated, and cannot be reversed without nature itself always estab- lishing a new balance." Scientists even tell us that a man and a woman are so different that the very cells of their bodies are dis- tinctive. A man's and woman's sex is revealed in the composition of each cell of the body. This is so true that a scientist can examine a human cell and tell whether it came from a man's or a woman's body. Of course this physical difference is only a reflection of the basic 8 psychological differences between men and women. My purpose, then, is to give you some insight into these differences between men and women, particularly in the way they think and feel, so that you can avoid those faults in your marriage that come from a misunderstanding of your partner. FATHERHOOD The basic fact about man from which all his other qualities flow is that he is essentially a father. The purpose that God had in mind deter- mined the way in which He made man, both physically and psychologi- cally. From all eternity He intended man to be a father, and for that reason He made him in a specific way. His body and soul are both prepared for fatherhood. Unless a woman understands this essential nature of man, she cannot understand the differences that are 9 found in so many of the areas of his life and activity. Man, according to St. Thomas, is the active principle of generation, and from this fact comes all of his basic characteristics. He is father, protector, and provider. St. Thomas tells us: "The father is the principle of generation, of educa- tion and discipline and of everything that bears upon the perfecting of hu- man life." This fact of fatherhood explains all the physical, psycholog- ical and spiritual characteristics of the man. A recent writer, Father Joseph Buckley, S.M., in his book, "Chris- tian Design for Sex," has a fine chap- ter that outlines the ways in which men and women differ. He compares men and women on the physical, sensory and intellectual plane. This is an excellent way to consider it since it follows St. Thomas' description of the various powers of the human per- sonality. Allow me to point out the differences according to this division. 10 Remember that what I say applies to men and women in general, though not necessarily to each individual man or woman. PHYSICAL DIFFERENCES In general we may say that the man's body is stronger than the woman's. He was made by God to be the provider and protector of the family, and for this reason he has been given the greater strength. It is true that some women have more physical strength than some men, but the general observation is evi- dent. Science and experience point out that a woman's body can endure pain better than a man's, but a man's body is more capable of hard physi- cal labor. SENSE KNOWLEDGE AND EMOTIONS All human beings have two kinds of knowledge, sense and intellectual. By sense knowledge is meant knowl- 11 edge of material things — things that can be seen, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt, as well as the imagination and memories of these material ob- jects. You will find that a man's sense knowledge is concerned more with general impressions than with de- tailed attention to particulars. A wife at times can find very exasperating her husband's lack of concentration on details. The day will probably come, for instance, when you are dying for a description from Bill of some social event which you could not attend. You ask him: "How was the reception room decorated?" He will answer vaguely: "It looked nice. They had some colored streamers or something." "What did the hostess wear?" "Oh, I think she had on some sort of blue dress, or maybe it was brown." By this time you are ready to crown him with the nearest hard object. A woman, on the other hand, would be able to tell you everyone 12 who was there, and what each one wore down to the last visible stitch. This trait appears early in the male. A young boy, when asked what happened at school, will usu- ally answer: "Nothing." Remember the title of the best-selling book about such a young boy: "Where did you go?" "Out." "What did you do?" "Nothing." This lack of inter- est in and attention to detail on the part of the man stems from the fact that it is his job to attend to the one big task of making a living. Women, who are destined to run the home and raise the children, are much more sensitive to the smaller facets of life. To sense knowledge correspond sense reactions. These movements toward good objects perceived by the senses and away from evil ones are called passions or emotions. Psychologists distinguish two differ- ent types of emotional response. One 13 is called the concupiscible appetite; the other the irascible. The passions of the concupiscible appetite (love, hate, desire, aversion, joy, and sorrow) are named the mild passions. The passions of the iras- cible appetite (anger, daring, hope, fear, despair) have as their object a good difficult of attainment or an evil difficult of avoidance. They are the more violent passions because of the greater difficulty of attaining or avoiding the object. It can be easily seen why these irascible passions are stronger in the man, because they are in keeping with his role as father. He must pro- vide for and protect his family, and therefore he must be aggressive and he must advance in the face of diffi- culties. This also expresses itself in a dogged determination to attain a dif- ficult goal. Women often claim that men are obstinate. It is true that they often are, and sometimes unrea- sonably so; but remember that if a 14 man did not have a pretty stiff back- bone, he would not provide very much support or protection for his family against the assaults of an often'hostile world. I would advise you that when you see that your husband is obstinate on some point, not to keep harping or nagging, but to drop the matter for a while, to bring it up at a more suit- able time or place, or to attain your object in another way. The more you try to push him, the more stubborn he is likely to become. THE INTELLECTUAL PLANE You will find, Barbara, that there are also differences between you and Bill in the way that your minds func- tion. A man's mind is called logical; a woman's mind is referred to as intu- itional. Neither sex has a monopoly of logic or intuition. However, a man usually approaches a problem by the slow and methodical method of anal- 15 ysis. He tries to take each step and figure it out carefully. He weighs the pros and cons before making a deci- sion. The good side of this method is that it is prudent and can prevent hasty mistakes; the bad side is that it can become too prudent and be un- able to make any decision because it sees the difficulties in both solutions. A man can become so careful that he doesn't make any moves at all. Your own more direct or intuitive ap- proach to a problem can comple- ment your husband's logical method and help him make a final decision. A man's bent is toward general prin- ciples; a woman's tendency is to par- ticular cases. As a result of this logical frame of mind, a man's thinking is also "com- partmental," as Father Buckley terms it. This means that a man sees various aspects of his life in a sepa- rate and not united fashion. His life is divided between his work, his fam- 16 ily, his recreation, etc: It is therefore possible for these different facets of his life to compete against each other. Thus a man can be torn be- tween the attention he gives to his family and his work. Man works be- cause he has to support his family. But, and you had better face it, he works and pursues his hobbies also because he likes to do so. You, as a woman who places her family abso- lutely first and who views everything in relation to her first love, that is her husband and children, will find this very difficult to understand. A man has to keep these fields in bal- ance, but it is a real struggle for him. You must understand and help him. Many women, not understanding this aspect of masculine psychology, become jealous of their husband's work, his game of golf, or his once- a-week card game with his cronies, as though these were threats to the hus- band's love for them. The man, in his turn, not realizing the woman's view- 17 point, is amazed at the vehemence of her objections to what seem to him to be entirely reasonable pursuits and recreation. Of course, it is possible for a man to become too absorbed in his work or recreation and as a result neglect his family. If he is unreasonable, he should be corrected; but a wife should not consider that her hus- band's desire to get out once in a while with the boys means that he loves her any less. Just as there is a reaction to sense knowledge which we call passion or emotion, so on a higher plane there is the reaction to intellectual knowl- edge which we call the will. You will find that a man's will acts are char- acterized by realism. This realism means that the man, in keeping with his whole aggressive nature, sets for himself very objective goals. He is concerned about material security and progress, a better home, a better position as well as attainable goals in 18 the religious and social atmosphere. You, as an idealist, will find room for understanding and complement- ing him. Stemming from his position as provider and father, he has a funda- mental need for encouragement and assurance which he must receive from you as his wife. Several years ago, when I was beginning a series of Cana conferences, I read a great deal of material on marjiage problems. In this literature one of the basic prob- lems of the man in marriage was de- clared to be a sense of insecurity, a feeling of inadequacy in his role as father and provider. In order to check, I threw this idea out for group discussion. Quickly the bell was rung by several wives and hus- bands. Time and experience have well confirmed this book knowledge, as well as the affirmations by the Cana group. A husband as provider often does have doubts and misgivings about 19 himself. He wonders whether he is doing well enough in his work to support his family, whether there is enough future in his job so that he can give his family the things he wants them to have. He has doubts whether he is spending too much time in the making of the living and not enough time with his wife and children. He has misgivings about his relationship with his employer, his clients or his employees. There are so many aspects in which a man may doubt himself that he needs the encouragement and assurance of his wife. She must make him realize that she is back of him all the way and is satisfied with the type of work he is doing, as well as in the way he supports the family. She should never belittle, but rather help to build up his ego so that he is assured of his own adequacy and im- portance. This is a very fundamental thing and is the reason why so much is 20 written about the evil of nagging. This tears down a man's pride and destroys all his confidence in him- self. Of course, it is every woman's privilege to try to change her hus- band to suit her ideas of what he should be; but this should never be done in a bitter and destructive way. Remember that you can never de- stroy a man's pride and still retain his love. The man by nature, by inclina- tion, and by the acceptance of soci- ety is the head of the home, as the woman is its heart. It is wise for the wife to show her recognition of this and to win her husband over to her point of view by persuasion and di- plomacy, rather than by attempting to dominate him. ATTITUDE TO SEX Since you will soon be a married woman, it is important for you to understand that there is a consider- able difference in the attitude of 21 man and woman with regard to the physical side of marriage. Although the use of sex is not the only, or even the most important part of mar- ried life, still it is important, and wrong or faulty attitudes in this re- gard can cause a great deal of friction and unhappiness. Man is by nature the aggressor. His passions as a rule are stronger, more quickly aroused, and endure for a longer period during life. Man is very strongly inclined toward the physical side of marriage. The woman on the other hand is attracted more by the romantic side of marriage — to be sought after, to be the chosen one, to be loved. She is interested in the physical side of married life, but she prefers to make love in a romantic setting. In this matter, as in all others, husband and wife must be consider- ate of each other. The man must learn to be thoughtful, tender and unselfish in his love-making. The 22 woman on her side must be aware of the stronger passions of the man, and realize that by the marriage contract she bound herself in justice to ex- tend the marriage privilege to her husband whenever he reasonably asks. As St. Paul said, "The wife has not authority over her body, but the husband; the husband likewise has not authority over his body, but the wife" (1 Cor. 7:4). The wife who refuses her duty should realize that very likely she is placing her husband in grave temptation. This happens too often in the case of older women who, because they themselves have lost all desire for marital relations, think that their husbands should feel no desire either. CONCLUSION These, then, are some thoughts that may help you in the life that you are beginning. Bill is different from you as a man and as an individ- ual. His qualities are masculine; 23 yours are feminine. This makes for interest, richness and fullness in mar- ried life. Some of these masculine qualities, you will find, are hard to understand and adjust to. But remember that marriage is give and take; husband and wife must learn to compromise, to sacrifice many of their individual desires for the sake of that deeper and wider life which they lead in common. Remember that you and Bill are meant to complete each other. In a certain sense you are halves, and need each other in order to be whole. This understanding and love will increase through the years. In- deed, love is the greatest help to un- derstanding. Best wishes and prayers for a happy life because your love makes you one with Bill. God bless you. Father Tobin 24 WHAT WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN This pamphlet and its companion, WHAT MEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT WOMEN, are excellent guides for married couples. These guides help both husband and wife in the mutual search for understanding and love. So often basic differences in people are overlooked or minimized, which in turn leads a person to draw within himself, to become selfish and intolerant. This pamphlet suggests the opposite: always think first of your loved one. In this way the heart is always open to better understanding and greater love. LIGUORI AN PAMPHLETS & BOOKS Liguori, Missouri 63057