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THE PHYSIOLOGY
OF
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
BY
THOMAS BUTLER GUNN.
WITH ILLUSTRATIONS ON WOOD,
DESIGNED AND DRAWN BY
THE “TRIANGLE,” A. R. WAUD, AND THE AUTHOR,
AND ENGRAVED BY JOHN ANDREW.
“ Je vais, par mon pouvoir diabolique, enlever les toits des maisons; et le dedans, va
se decouvrir a vos yeux. ’ ’
Le Diable Boiteux.
(I am about, by my supernatural powers, to take away the roofs from the houses, and
to reveal to your eyes whatever is doing within them.)
NEW YORK:
MASON BROTHERS,
108 & 110 DUANE STREET.
1857.
A JEntered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1S5T, by
MASON BROTH E K S,
In the Clerk’s Office, of the District Court, for the Southern District of
New York.
/

EEECTROTYPED BY
THOMAS B. SMITH,
82 & St Beeknian-st., N. Y.
PRINTED BY
C. A. AL TOED,
15 Vandewater-st, N. Y.ESPECIALLY SINGLE YOUNG MEN,
THIS BOOK
IS RESPECTFULLY DEDICATED
Hg m ®s-memkr of % Jratcnutg,PREFACE.
)HE Bedouins—so we are informed by Layard—
set any member of a tribe who is unable to sleep
to watch the camels. With the like practical
philosophy the Author of this volume, having
had considerable experience of New York Board-
ing-Houses, resolved to devote that not-altogether-agreea-
blv-acquired knowledge to the formation of a book.
He hopes his readers will approve the performance.
He thinks some of them may recognize more or less par-
ticulars as the counterpart'of those familiar to their own
personal observation. Perhaps it were indicative of a too
sanguine disposition to express expectations of securing
the approbation of the proprietors and proprietresses of
the Establishments treated of. He trusts, however, they
will read his “Physiology.” They may derive profit
from it—if not pleasure.
May he suggest that a more judicious present from a
Boarder or Boarders to a Landlady than this volume—
especially if a leaf or so be turned down in appropriate
places—could scarcely be imagined ?VI
PREFACE.
And, further, may he here record his very sincere
thanks to Messrs. Frank Bellew, Alfred It. Waud, and
John Andrew, for their valuable and indispensable as-
sistance on the illustrations ?
T. B. G.CONTENTS
CHAPTER I.
PAGE
1 Introductory, Metropolitan, and Anticipatory. ... ll
CHAPTER II.
Op Looking Out for a Boarding-House.............. 15
CHAPTER IfI.
Op Boarding- with a Private Family................ 21
CHAPTER IY.
The Cheap Boarding-House on a Large Scale........ 31
CHAPTER V.
The Fashionable Boarding-House where you Don’t Get
Enough to Eat.........................   40
CHAPTER YI.
The Dirty Boarding-House................ 49
CHAPTER VII.
The Hand-to-Mouth Boarding-House.......  58Vlll
CONTENTS
CHAPTER VIII.
PAGE
The “Serious” Boarding-House..........  65
CHAPTER IX.
The Theatrical Boarding-House.......... 16
CHAPTER X.
The Boarding-House wherein Spiritualism becomes pre-
dominant............................  86
CHAPTER XI.
The Mean Boarding-House................ 92
CHAPTER XII.
The Boarding-House where there are Marriageable
Daughters.........*................. 103
CHAPTER XIII.
The Cheap Hotel Boarding-House......... Ill
CHAPTER XIV.
The Boarding-House where the Landlady Drinks..... Ill
CHAPTER XV.
The Boarding-House whose Landlady likes to be ill-
used. ................................... 126
CHAPTER XVI.
Op a Tip-Top Boarding-House............135CONTENTS
IX
CHAPTER XVII.
PAGE
The Boarding-House where you ’re Expected to make Love
to the Landlady..................... 147
CHAPTER XVIII.
Op Another Mean Boarding-House............. 156
CHAPTER XIX.
The Family Hotel on Broadway............... 165
CHAPTER XX.
The Artists’ Boarding-House................ 173
CHAPTER XXI.
The Vegetarian Boarding-House (as it was).. 181
CHAPTER XXII.
The Medical Students’ Boarding-House....... 192
CHAPTER XXTII.
The Boarding-House frequented	by	Bostonians.204
CHAPTER XXIV.
The Boarding-House whose Landlady is a Southerner. ... 214
CHAPTER XXV.
The Boarding-House where the Landlady is from “Down
Bast”.............................   226
1*X
CONTENTS.
CHAPTER XXYI.
PAGE
The Boarding-House in which Englishmen predominate.... 236
CHAPTER XXVII.
The “Pension Eran£Aise”.................246
CHAPTER XXVIII.
The German “Gasthaus”...........................255
CHAPTER XXIX.
The Irish Immigrant Boarding-House (as it was). 263
CHAPTER XXX.
The Chinese Boarding-House..................... 270
CHAPTER XXXI.
The Sailors’ Boarding-House.................... 277
CHAPTER XXXII.
*
The Boarding-House which gives Satisfaction to Evert
Body................................ 282
CHAPTER XXXIII.
Of Different Sorts of Boarders................. 284
CHAPTER XXXIY.
Retrospective akd Valedictory..................‘296THE PHYSIOLOGY
OP
NEW YORK BOARDINGHOUSES.
CHAPTER I.
INTRODUCTORY, METROPOLITAN, AND ANTICIPATORY.
; ndiyidually we haven’t the
slightest doubt of the ne-
cessity for this work; but
being very much alive to
the responsibility of emula-
ting Le Sage’s Diable JBoi~
teux in unroofing houses,
and unvailing to our read-
ers the peculiarities of the
Establishments whose gen-
eric title we have assum-
ed, we shall offer a preliminary word or so in justification
of our task.
More than half a million of human beings are said to
be resident in this capital of the Western World. Now
each individual of them has, is, or may become subject to12
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Boarding-House domiciliation. Like death, no class is ex-
empt from it. A topic of more universal interest, com-
mending itself equally to author-craft and the public,
could scarcely he hoped for. Is it not, then, remarkable
that ours should be the first attempt to grapple with it in
a fitting and comprehensive manner ?
A volume such as we can conceive rather than produce
—penned with profound and philosophic knowledge of
the subject, scrupulous veracity, and delectable wit and
wisdom—would needs be priceless. We wish we could
cast such a one on the restless waters of the sea of life
around us. To the lips of the student of human nature a
chalice, fraught with instruction and delight, should be
freely offered ; to the alien and stranger a book of good
counsel and comfort; and to mankind in general, we, like
the serpent in Eden—yet possessing, withal, no latent
guile—would proffer knowledge. In default of this
much-to-be-desired volume, we respectfully tender ours.
The remark of a sage Gascon (who must have been the
Tupper of his day), “that there’s scarcely any place
where so much can be seen as in the world,” may, cer-
tainly, in a minor degree, be applied to this metropolis.
It has no equal—at least, on this side of the Atlantic. It
is the most free and easy place conceivable. The right
to do “as you d—n please”—to quote the democratic
phraseology of the aborigines—is nowhere so universally
recognized, or less curbed by authority. Individual
character, therefore, whether of men or social institu-
tions, is apt to be forcibly developed, and to present
peculiarities worth noting. And we conceive that no
better place for sketching these can be selected than our
substitutes for homes—Boarding-Houses. Our Physi-
ology should contain types of a large portion of the popu-
lation.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
13
There is another, though a secondary reason, for our
hook’s existence. The present is a mutable generation,
possessing but little of the conservative element, unwilling
to pause, ever jostling onward, considering nothing final.
Does it not behoove us, then, to leave record of whatdias
been for the benefit of that illustrious personage—Pos-
terity ?
It is true that he may (or may not) have the privilege
of turning over with indifferent hand certain dusty files
of newspapers, there to rake among embers and ashes
which blaze briskly enough now. But being a great phi-
losopher (which must certainly be the case if he avail
himself of only half the books bequeathed to him), he
may cogitate a la Carlyle’s Past and Present, thus:
“ Life was a fact with my great-great-grandfather. He
went to bed of nights, and got up of mornings, even as I
do. He attired himself (after a very absurd and ungainly
fashion, to be sure, compared with the present mode), and
was hungry two or three times a day. I should like to
know, in detail, how the old boy existed. Here are ad-
vertisements respecting Boarding-Houses. Perhaps he
lived at one ? I wonder what they were!”
In anticipation of this, and for other equally good rea-
sons, we take pen in hand. And as the doughtiest of
heroes, the mightiest of achievements, pass away when
unchronicled, so—did we not undertake to embalm them
in printer’s ink—might the various characteristics of New
York Boarding-Houses. Cheops, king of Egypt, to secure
this sort of immortality, erected a pyramid—and that’s
all we know about him. He’d much better have kept a
diary. We might, then, have known what he had for
breakfast. A few sheets of perishable papyri pinned to
Time’s wing makes us cotemporary with Cleopatra.
It may be, then, that a thousand years hence, some14
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
student, curious in antiquarian knowledge, will, in some
future Astor Library, turn over our pages, diligently in-
tent on the past and this Physiology of New York
Boarding-Houses. Let us hope so.CHAPTER II.
OF LOOKING OUT FOR A ROARDING-IIOUSE.
THE Establishments of
which we purpose to
speak are many and mul-
tifarious, possessing their
own idiocracies, and but
seldom amenable to other
rules and regulations than
those of their proprietors.
As Gow Chrom, in Scott’s
novel, fought “ for his own
hand,” so each tenement
may be described as sui generis, irrespective of others.
They have some general characteristics, but not enough
of particular ones to suggest order in their enumeration.
Classification, therefore, becomes impossible. We shall
only endeavor to place them under appropriate titles.
Where, now, to begin ? As one who for the first time
enters upon Boarding-House existence is desirous of dis-
covering the abode of all others most suited to his neces-
sities and inclinations, so, here, we experience a tem-
porary difficulty of choice. The subject is so vast, so
comprehensive. “The world” (of Boarding-Houses) “is
all before us—where to choose.” We will take advantage
of our simile and commence by describing the proceed-
ings of the seeker for a Boarding-House.16
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
He either inserts in the Herald, Tribune, or Times, an
advertisement specifying his particular requirements, or
consults those addressed to humanity in general through
the medium of their columns—perhaps adopts both meas-
ures. In the former case, the next morning puts him in
possession of a vast
amount of corres-
pondence, from the
daintily-penned and
delicately - envelo]3-
ed billets of up-
towndom to the
ill-spelled, pencil-
scrawled, uncover-
ed notes of Green-
wich and Hud son-
streets. It matters
not that lie has in-
dicated any definite locality; sanguine householders in
remote Brooklyn districts clutch at him, Hoboken resi-
dents yearn toward him, and the writer of a stray
Williamsburg epistle is u confident that an arrangement
can be made” if he will favor her with a visit. After lay-
ing aside as ineligible as many letters as there are Smiths
in a New York Directory, he devotes a morning to the
purposes of inspection and selection.
He becomes acquainted with strange localities and bell-
handles. He scrutinizes informatory scraps of paper
watered up beside doorways. He endures tedious wait-
ings at thresholds—it being a curious fact in connection
with Boarding-Houses that a single application for admis-
sion through the usual medium never procures it. And
according as his quest be high or low, so will his experi-
ence vary.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
17
If the former, he may expect to be ushered into spa-
cious and luxuriously-furnished parlors, where, seated in
comfortably-padded rocking-chairs, and contemplating
marble tables, on which gorgeously-bound volumes are
artistically arranged, thousand-dollar piano-fortes, and
mirrors capable of abashing a modest man to utter
speechlessness, he will tarry the advent of stately dames,
whose dresses rustle as with conscious opulence. He will
precede them—they being scrupulous as to exposure of
ankles—up broad staircases to handsome apartments, and
listen with bland satisfaction to the enumeration of “ all
the modern improvements” which their mansions com-
prise ; nor, perhaps, be startled at the “ figure” for which
they may be enjoyed. If “money be no object,” he will
not have to seek far, or fare badly.
But the researches of him whose aspirations are cir-
cumscribed by a shallow purse will produce different re-
sults. By Irish girls, with unkempt hair and uncleanly
physiognomy, he will be inducted into sitting-rooms where
the Venetian blinds are kept scrupulously closed, for the13
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
double purpose of excluding flies and preventing a too
close scrutiny of the upholstery. He will have interviews
with landladies of various ajipearance, ages and character-
istics—landladies dubious and dingy, landladies severe and
suspicious (inflexible as to “ references or payments in ad-
vance”), landladies calm and confiding, landladies chatty
and conciliatory—the majority being widows. He will
survey innumerable rooms—generally under that pecu-
liarly cheerful aspect attendant on unmade beds and un-
emptied washing-basins-—and, if of sanatory principles,
examine the construction of windows in order to ascer-
tain whether they be asphyxiative or movable. He will
find occasion to admire how apartments may be indiffer-
ently ventilated by half-windows, and attics constructed so
that standing erect within them is only practicable in one
spot. How a three-feet-by-sixteen inches strip of thread-
bare carpet, a twelve-and-a-half-cents-Chatham-square mir-
ror, and a disjointed chair may, in the lively imagination
of Boarding-House proprietresses, be considered furniture.
How double, triple, and even quintuple beds in single
rooms, and closets into which he only succeeds in effect-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	] 3
mg entrance by dint of violent compression between the
u cot” and wall, are esteemed highly eligible accommoda-
tions for single gentlemen. How partitions (of a purely
nominal character) may in no wise prevent the occupants
of adjoining rooms from holding conversations one with
the other, becoming cognizant of neighboring snores, or
turnings in bed. He will observe that lavatory arrange-
ments are mostly of an imperfect description, generally
comprising a frail and rickety washing-stand—which has
apparently existed for ages in a Niagara of soap-suds, a
ewer and basin of limited capacity, and a cottony, web-
. like towel, about as well calculated for its purpose as a
similar-sized sheet of blotting paper would be. In rooms
which have not recently submitted to the purifying brush
of the white-washer, he will notice the mortal remains of
mosquitoes (not to mention more odoriferous and objec-
tionable insects) ornamenting ceilings and walls, where
they have encountered Destiny in the shape of the slip-
pers or boot-soles of former occupants. All this and much20
NEW YOIiK B O A li D I G - li O U S K S .
more will be revealed to the individual in search of a
cheap Boarding-House.
* * * * *
We have foreshadowed the extremes of our subject, or
as nearly so as we propose to touch upon. For, though it
affords such ample scope as to include the most magnifi-
cent of our palace hotels—which are but Boarding-Houses,
temporary or permanent—equally with the squalid tene-
ments of the Five Points and Cow Bay, yet there are
heights to which we shall not care to soar, depths to
which we will not descend. We intend to be neither sta-
tistical nor subterranean.
Nor, unattractive as our sketch of the characteristics of
cheap Boarding-Houses appears, are we unconscious of the
existence of Establishments where moderate prices may
procure a fair average amount of comfort and cleanliness.
Such will find honorable mention in our Physiology. But
as in life they are infrequent, a proportionately small space
will be here accorded to them.CHAPTER III.
OF BOARDING WITH A PRIVATE FAMILY.
ERY often, when
circumstances com-
pel an individual to
find eating, drink-
ing, and sleeping
accommodation
among strangers,
he compromises the
Boarding - House
question by secur-
ing lodgings with
a private family.
Probably he enter-
tains a wholesome
distrust of the Es-
tablishments to which our book is devoted, perhaps hopes
for a nearer approach to domestic felicity for eschewing
them. If prudent, however, he wTill religiously avoid such
tenements as put forth advertisements offering “all the
comforts of a home” at low, or indeed any prices. For, as
few persons receive boarders from inclination, it logically
follows that the resources of those who are unable to cater
for more than one must be very limited, and it is more
than probable that they are simply cannibals, desirous of
22
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
securing somebody to feed upon. You may in such
houses find yourself a dish for an entire family; served up
regularly at breakfast, dinner, and supper, and also fleeced
to supply clothing for a brood of juvenile ogres. Domes-
tic economy of this kind can be as easily imagined as de-
scribed, and for this reason, as well as to shun the charge
of invidiousness in selection, we shall not go into detail
about it. We prefer, rather, a household of better qual-
ity—of which you have some preceding knowledge, and
where you consent to become “ one of the family.” ,
Your landlord Brown—we choose that name as com-
paratively clear of libellous application—has, then, a
wife and small family of three—we will not take unfair
advantage by supposing more. Perhaps business relations
and mutual convenience have induced you to become his
boarder. Mrs. B. is a prettyish woman, amiable, and well-
meaning; her children, a boy, a girl, and a baby. You
possess that repugnance to and dread of all infants of
tender years natural to unmarried men—except very
mildly-developed ones, who, we verily believe, do succeed
in getting up a timid sort of interest in them—but, apart
from this, anticipate a reasonable amount of comfort in
your new quarters, and, for a short time, are not disap-
pointed. Mrs. B. is anxious to please and be pleased, her
husband, a good-humored, every-day-kind-of-man, and you
popular with both. But, presently, certain disadvantages
incidental to your position begin to disclose themselves.
Being treated “ exactly as one of the family,” it is tac-
itly expected that you will let pass, without comment or
objection, whatever may conflict with your own tastes and
inclinations. Mrs. B.’s cookery is not worse than that of
the majority of young wives married from Boarding-
Houses—which is to say she knows nothing at all about
it—and the Celt conducts herself according to her naturalNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
23
ignorance and proclivity to dirt—you must “take things
as they are,” and make the best of them. Little irregu-
larities as to meal hours—always common where there is
a baby who is apt to intimate his particular wants in a not-
to-be-choked-off manner—family make-shifts and expedi-
ents, you can not suppose will be dropped or amended in
consequence of your presence. Brown is used to them;
you must become so.
When breakfast is delayed for half an hour—you fid-
geting all the time with thoughts of the store, work-
shop, or office—you can’t be brutal enough to complain
when you learn that “ poor Mrs. B. did n’t get a wink of
sleep all night, the child cried so,” nor would you be
guilty of the discourtesy of commencing the meal in her
absence. If you come down later than usual, and find
reserved for you a mug-full of coffee, black, bitter as
aloes, and boiling on the stove, a fragment of overcooked
steak adhering to its plate through the medium of con-
gealed grease, a patch of liquefying butter peppered with
flies, and a sodden biscuit—why “you can’t expect the
things to be about all day.” Eat your breakfast in silence,
and show your appreciation of “ the comforts of a home”
by not disturbing Bridget, who’s “ washing up.”
Mrs. B., too, and her husband, have the occasional tiffs
and differences natural to the married state on unimport-
ant questions, at table or elsewhere, when they appeal to
your judgment. You are gallant and side with the wife,
upon which Brown thinks you a humbug, and hints as
much. Venture on the opposite line of conduct, with
ever so guarded a proviso, Mrs. B. is “ disappointed in
you, as she thought you had a better opinion of the
ladies.” So you hold your tongue, are considered sulky,
and the boy and girl told not to go near you.
These innocents, also, are scarcely a source of unmixed24
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
gratification to yourself and those about them. For the
boy surreptitiously borrows your knife, breaks the smaller
blade short off in endeavoring to whittle out a boat, and
cuts his fingers severely—in consequence of which you
get into disgrace with his mother. And the girl ad-
dresses you by an abbreviation of your Christian name—
having heard her father do so—favors you with “ sharp”
answers, and announces the calls of your friends in a
shrill yell up the staircase. You incline toward both dar-
lings at first, but finding their affection become so rampant
as scarcely to leave you a quiet moment, and the small
coins at first received as a favor, soon clamorously de-
manded as a right, you endeavor gradually to break off—
upon which they turn spiteful, and persuade Mrs. B. that
you are an undeveloped Herod. She would like to know
what the “poor children” have done to displease you.
Nor is this all. The Browns are sociable people, and
give little parties. Mrs. B. has unmarried sisters, and
young lady acquaintances. You enjoy yourself very
much, and do not object “to see the girls home,” even
though the distance be considerable. Perhaps exhilarated
by their pleasant society, and wilfully unmindful of the
fact that there is another young lady who claims the
monopoly of such attentions, you propose stepping into
Taylor’s for an ice-cream or so. She hears of it, be sure,
and you are tartly informed that if you go out for walks
with Miss-------s’, she shall retaliate in company with Mr.
Smith. (Smith is your rival, and you have a suspicion that
his whiskers are more distingue-looking than yours.)
Or, on rainy nights, the young ladies accept their
brother-in-law’s proffered hospitality; when, in conse-
quence of limited accommodation, you give up your room
to them, and sleep on the sofa. Bachelors’ apartments
are not proverbially tidy, and it is just possible that youNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	25
have left certain unsealed letters, from her, in drawers, or
the pockets of the old coat which serves you for a dress-
ing gown. Of course you wouldn’t for the world suspect
the young ladies of reading them. Yet you think of
Madame Bluebeard in the story, and are haunted with a
lively recollection of particular passages in the said letters,
wherein the Misses------s’ personal appearance and de-
meanor are commented very severely upon, and such
epithets as “ forward minxes,” “ bold-faced hussies,” ap-
plied to them. These reflections, combined with the
hardness of the sofa, are quite sufficient to keep you in a
vivacious state of unrest till the morning, when you make
your toilet in the back kitchen among dirty plates, house-
hold utensils, and irruptions from Bridget. And, innocent
as “ the girls” look when you bid them good-morning,
you could swear they have counted the number of your
dickeys, and know that your socks are awfully in need of
darning.
Brown, too, has his friends who sometimes stop all
night, and, of course, share your bed. Perhaps they get
to sleep first, and snore. Perhaps they never can do
either, in a strange couch, and so lie tumbling, tossing, and
kicking, till you become equally incapable of repose. We
have had bed-fellows who couldn’t partake of “ the balmy”
unless in strange positions, such as on their backs, with
their knees making a pyramid of the bed-clothes. We
have also known them to moan all night like broken-
hearted ring-doves.*
* On such occasions—and indeed on others, such as snoring, snort-
ing, grunting, etc.—we have found whistling an efficacious check. It
probably disturbs the unconscious serenaders into abandoning their in-
voluntary accompaniment. ¥e, therefore, advise suffering wives,
when their lords commence nasal melody, to sit up in bed and whistle
like so many insane key-holes. Of course the counsel is unnecessary to
husbands—ladies never snore.
226
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Mrs. B. returns her sisters’ visits, and occasionally stays
a day or two with her mother. (Nobody could be hard-
hearted enough to Avish to keep her always at home.)
During such absences, Brown and yourself are turned
over to the tender mercies of Bridget, who don’t make
the beds till the evening. Perhaps, by special order, she
institutes a general clean up. In which case, on return-
ing home, you find the floor of your apartment damp
from a recent inundation, your hat in the shoAver-bath,
your boots hung near the ceiling, your pipes, hair-brush,
and tobacco-jar jumbled among your shirt-collars, and
the rest of your property carefully put away in equally
appropriate localities. You may, hoAvever, discoArer this
in progress, and have the gratification of carrying the fur-
niture from the passage into your room. Of Bridget’s
cookery we shall say nothing, having already intimated
that she is an Irishwoman, and therefore but one degree
above the Hottentot zero of the culinary thermometer.
You are also liable to the performance of the part of
cavalier to Mrs. B., in accompanying her to theaters,
fetching her home from balls, etc., when Brown—it’s justNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 27
like him—won’t. This, of itself, would be no great hard-
ship, but there’s “ your” young lady who wonders married
women (with an emphasis on the adjective) “are not
really ashamed of themselves” to be seen at such places
with gentlemen, and “hopes their husbands’ eyes will
soon be opened.” Your refusal, though vailed under
never so ingenious a pretext, is perceived and re-
sented by Mrs. B., perhaps by her husband. Or, on the
other hand, you—having no tendresse elsewhere—accord
these attentions so readily as to excite his jealousy. Be-
tween these two stools you will need to be a dextrous
moral acrobat not to come to the
ground. We remember an in-
stance in which a husband’s feel-
ings were so wrought upon by the
fact of a boarder’s esquiring his wife
from a party—which he himself had
expressly declined doing—that they
instigated him to taking his revenge
on the hat of the of-
fender. He was dis-
covered, subsequent to
their return, kicking itc
about the passage in a
most vindictive man-
ner.
Now and then you may be weak enough to suffer your-
self to be inveigled into assisting at Mrs. B’s. Saturday
evening marketings—the inducement, “choosing some-
thing you like” for Sunday’s dinner; the result—carry-
ing the basket. Indeed, if you are of easy nature, there’s
no knowing what may be required of you. White-wash-
ing, putting up beds, conveying orders to trades-people,
acting as proxy in disputing their “ little bills”—and occa-28
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
sionally advancing the money to pay them—hearing the
children’s lessons, keeping the garden in order—for all
these tasks, and many more, you are available. If a May-
day moving be in contemplation, you’d better, at the out-
set, dispatch a doctor’s certificate of sickness to your em-
ployers, for you ’ll have to come to it, finally, after losing
a day and a half. Should your coat or pants suffer in any
of these operations, Mrs. B. meets your application for
repairs with a laugh, calls you an “ old bachelor,” and
commends you to Bridget, who, in her turn, thinks you ’re
“ betther able to atthind to such matthers yerrself thin
she is.”
When Brown wants to smoke, he naturally uses your
cigars and apartment, hence you are suspected of inocu-
lating him with low tastes, and seducing him from the
bosom of his family. Unmistakable hints are thrown
out as to the necessity of taking down the window cur-
tains and having them washed, “ to get the smell out,” and
“ poor dear baby’s cough” is attributed to “ that horrid
tobacco.” Baby, indeed, becomes a very formidable per-
sonage. If not on good terms with the mother, you canNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
20
not raise your voice above a whisper, sneeze, laugh, cough,
whistle, sing, open or shut the door, without disturbing
it. Terrible to reflect upon are those evenings on which
Mrs. B. goes out, leaving baby to the care of Bridget.
Perhaps she takes her keys with her, when you and Brown
sup on crackers, cheese, and beer (fetched and paid for,
by yourself, from the corner gro-
cery.) lie does n’t remain in-doors,
but you must, having to write a
letter, during the composition of
which baby wails incessantly. On
the infantile clamor reaching a crisis
suggestive of blackness in the face,
protruded eyes, and generally con-
vulsive appearance, you descend,
and discover Bridget endeavoring
to quiet her charge by filling its tiny mouth with lumps
of pork fat. Half an hour subsequently you start, on your
own responsibility, to fetch Mrs. B. home. About the
time, too, that you have become so misanthropic on the
subject of babies as to strongly recommend Godfrey’s
Cordial, and other opiates—in the hope of fatal results—
you are requested to act as god-father.
To detail all the minutiae of annoyances ordinarily in-
cluded in Boarding with a Private Family, would far tran-
scend our limits. Another incident—warranted genuine—
and we have done. We knew a lodger, who, coming home
one night keyless, and finding the street-door locked, ef-
fected an entrance—being a bit of a gymnast—into his bed-
room by means of the balcony and window. hText morn-
ing, when the servant w~as stirring about the house, he
called to her, bidding her take the key from the top of
the door (where it was generally deposited to be out of
the way of the dear children) and release him. She,30
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
startled at such an inscrutable occurrence, set up an appal-
ling howl, rushed up stairs into the apartment of her master
and mistress, and frightened the baby into a fit. In con-
sequence, our friend’s Brown told him at breakfast-time
that this was a course of conduct he really could n’t think
of putting up with, and perhaps he had better find accom-
modations elsewhere! Incontinently he did so.
The Boarder in a Private Family usually quits it on gen-
eral grounds of discontent and incompatibility of temper.
He has, in fact, been so much “ one of the family,” that he
has lost claim to his own individuality. His entertainers’
presumed property in him can only be repudiated by
flight, and that social hegira takes place accordingly.CHAPTER IV.
TI1E CHEAP BOARDING-HOUSE ON A LARGE SCALE.
KIVATE Boarding - Houses,
in which limited num-
bers of persons are
accommodated, will
naturally preponde-
rate in a work of this
kind; and to them
our prefatory re-
marks on the impos-
sibility of classifica-
tion, are especially
applicable. Like
their proprietors and occupants, they are of all stations,
and comprise every variety of social characteristic. We
shall present such samples as have the greatest diversity,
and afford scope for displaying our subject in its strongest
lights.
Having emancipated our imaginary Boarder from the
44 Private Family,” we at once turn him loose into the
metropolitan world, nor shall we cramp our sphere of
action by following individual adventures. Yet we will
allow his choice to guide ours in the selection of the first
Establishment claiming notice. Probably, disgusted with
his recent experience, he will rush to the opposite extreme,32
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
and become an inmate of the cheap Boarding-House on a
large scale.
It comprises two tenements which have been stately
mansions in their day, but, like the neighborhood, have
gone down in the world. Its mistress—who can recollect
when there was a bridge at Canal-street, and little else
beside fields north of it; when Hew York had but one
omnibus, which used to call at the residences of citizens
for t; fareswith much more, sounding strange and half-
fabulous to the ears of the present generation—will tell you
of the old Knickerbocker families resident there in the
presidency of Jefferson, and how, on ball-nights, rows of
carriages stood along the triangular patch of inclosed
vegetation (which the aborigines of the locality insanely
denominate a Park) fronting the houses. But that’s fifty
years ago; respectability has followed fashion up town, and
the two old mansions are humiliated to the condition of a
cheap Boarding-House.
Their spacious rooms have been divided and subdivided
into so many apartments, that the place resembles a peni-
tentiary, a hive, or barrack. Some contain an extra
number of beds, and the minor chambers are unusually
small, even for a Boarding-House. Ours—we have inti-
mated that wre intend to draw freely on personal expe-
rience in our Physiology—was eight feet by six. It w^as
just possible to open the door to sufficient wTidth to obtain
ingress, the bed partially blockading it, and upon this wre
could recline, poke the fire in the stove, and touch three
sides of the room with perfect facility. Many a winter’s
night have we lain and watched the dull red glow of a
handfull of anthracite glaring at us like the angry eye of a
dwarf Cyclops, and once, while poking vigorously for the
purpose of blinding him, we upset the stove, the pipe of
which descended upon us with some violence.XEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
33
A conjunction of the two staircaces having been effected
by breaking down the partition-wall at the second story,
you 'svere, at first, in doubt as to which house your room
appertained, only arriving at the knowledge by dint of
repeatedly knocking your head against a low doorway in
a dark passage, and simultaneously tumbling down two
steps, which, in time, impressed the locality of the bound-
ary on your memory. Cumbrous old oaken staircases they
were, too, of a fashion and solidity shaming those of the
present day. Many a powdered * beauty has, without
question, in ante-revolutionary days, tripped down them,
and many a red-coated, cocked-hatted officer of King
George as escort. If such a couple could, by the pale
moonlight peering in at the skylight above, and stealing
solemnly down on the shabby, cracked, dirty plastered
wall, revisit the scene now-----!
The mistress of the establishment is a bulky English-
woman of (certainly) five-and-fifty, in possession of a third
husband, and the most perfectly developed snuffle we have
ever encountered. A tradition has been handed down
from former lodgers, that the union originated in the male
party’s running deeply in arrears for board, and honorably
compounding the same by matrimony. He is a grave,
quiet, and useful man, his wife’s junior by ten or fifteen
years. lie does the marketing, carving, white-washing,
and general repairing, and has a box of carpenter’s tools
in the front basement, the contents of which are in frequent
use. Superficial observers fancy him the weaker vessel,
but the Irish servant girls—who rather like him, but enter-
tain the reverse feeling toward their mistress—say Mrs.
-----“ has got to mind,” when her husband tells her.
And there’s an air of quiet determination about him
which is corroborative. Mrs.--------’s mother (a venerable
but virulent old lady of three-score who keeps her cham-
2*34
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ber, and makes the girls cry when they bring her meals)
is known to have predicted that her daughter “ will see
this one out and have another,” but we own to doubts as
to the correctness of her judgment.
When the houses possess their full complement of
boarders—which they generally do, the Establishment
being about as well-managed and dieted as can be ex-
pected, at the price—over fifty persons find a substitute
for a home within their walls, the American element
scarcely predominating over the English, Scotch, and
Irish. The oldest inhabitant is an elderly Philadelphian.
He has boarded there for any number of years, not with-
out temporary desertions, much private growling against
the authorities, and innumerable resolves of a final change
of residence—always to be carried out next week. He
considers Hew York an aggressive and presumptuous me-
tropolis, every way inferior to his native city; tells you
how, after the great fire of 1836, the former was only too
happy to borrow money of the latter; disparages the Cro-
ton by contrasting it with the Schuylkill; laments the un-
healthy atmosphere of the Empire State, and defers pur-
chasing clothes (however strongly in need of them) until
he has occasion to visit Philadelphia. Otherwise he is a
rational man, though possessing strong prejudices, the
bitterest of which are directed against the memory of
Sidney Smith. On Sunday morning, if breakfast is de-
layed, he is apt to be wrathy, and sometimes, after twenty
minutes pacing up and down the hall, has been known to
dart off to an indignant meal at Sweeney’s. He has become
identified with the Boarding-House, will probably termi-
nate his days there, and be buried in the back yard. Five
or six years ago he lost a considerable sum of money, his
box being broken open by some scoundrel then resident
in the Establishment. On this occasion he quitted it—forNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	35
a whole month. But, like the dove to the ark, he came
back again, and, to use the strong expression of a cockney
boarder at that time, we don’t think that the combined
forces of several strong men, a steam-engine, and a bull-
dog, could keep him away.
In feats of in-doors pedestrianism (to which he is prone
on the evenings of the working-day week, as on Sunday
mornings), he is often accompanied by a long, gaunt,
whitish dog, whose hair comes off when you pat him, and
who is so old that he dates back to the time of the land-
lady’s first marriage. He, too, appears part of the Estab-
lishment, and inseparable from it. He is always hungry,
has no objection to mustard, and won't be lost. For his
mistress has several times commissioned small boys to
abandon him in remote localities, but Solon (like his Phil-
adelphia friend) invariably returns to his old home. Once,
in mid-summer, the individual thus charged made him
over to the city authorities for the sum of fifty cents.
But on reaching the place of detention for all lawless and
unmuzzled dogs, Solon was recognized, and a message
dispatched to his owners, to the effect that the senders
“ kAow’d the dog was set store by, and didn’t they want
him agin ?” A walk up-town, and the expenditure of a
dollar on the part of Mr. —1—, redeemed him. The old
dog is rather a favorite of the boarders, and will follow
such as have been domiciled there for any time on Sunday
afternoon rambles; at other times dozing out his exist-
ence in the sitting-room, lying in summer winking in the
sunlight, and in winter, beside the stove. This, and the
hall, seems to be his peculiar domain. He seldom ventures
into the dining-room, and if so, there is an expression of
conscious guilt about his physiognomy and tail, which de-
notes a lively apprehension of painful consequences.
This tabooed apartment is a long room at the back of36
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
the houses, with bare white-washed walls, and a row of
windows on one side, like a hospital from which the beds
have been removed. In lieu of them, there are two longi-
tudinal tables, surrounded by excessively high stools ; and
in winter, at the further end (where the landlady sits), is a
stove. Hither the boarders are summoned at the hours of
7, 2 and 6, by a large bell, the jangling dissonance of which
might convert one to the Turkish opinion that those arti-
cles are an invention of the devil. They troop in like a
file of soldiers, each to his stool, partake of their food in
silence (mutely stoking themselves, as it were) and troop
out again. There is little, if any, conversation. The
mistress of the Establishment presides, assisted by her
husband and servants, and “ gets through” matters very
expeditiously. As already intimated, the meals are of in-
differentiy-good quality. We have known the beef of
tougher consistency and more veiny construction than was
desirable, and the potatoes to exhibit as many eyes as
sine of Boarding-Houses. The meals were uniformly
served up “ neither cold, nor hot”—a state St. John didn’t
approve of in Laodicean Christians. The soups, too,
might have been improved by a less liberal allowance of
grease and unground pepper, of which latter there ahvays
remained a deep sediment—as of small shot—in each plate.
But the boarders were not more discontented than is
generally, naturally, and inevitably the case in most Estab-
lishments.
There were comparatively few lady-boarders at----’s.
We remember one who was strongly suspected of stealing
clothing, etc., from the rooms of other lodgers. She gen-
Argus; but on the wdiole,
the diet was endurable. Our
chief objection applies all
most universally to the cui-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
37
erally came down to meals after the usual time, and was
supposed to carry off the purloined property concealed
within her superfluity of crinoline. Finally, being one
day tracked, as she walked
abroad, by our quiet landlord,
he, upon her taking the arm of
a suspicious-looking male com-
panion, stepped forward and
suggested that perhaps she’d
better not trouble herself to
come back any more. Which
hint she acted upon. During
the excitement produced by the
thefts, it was proposed to apply to a clairvoyant for the
discovery of the delinquent, and a subscription got up
among the boarders for that purpose. The result was
hardly satisfactory, for though the gifted seer described
most minutely not only the pawn-broker’s* shop, but the
very shelf whereon the stolen property was deposited, yet
unfortunately, the particulars applied equally well to some
half hundred shelves and establishments, and the few
“ uncles” applied to refusing to allow their stores to be
overhauled—in one case threatening to “ pound” the appli-
cant—the guilty person was not thereby detected.
The sitting-room of our Boarding-House is a large, dull
back-parlor, partially lighted by two long windows, which
command a cheerful prospect of the exterior of the dining-
room, a number of decayed barrels, and a sloppy, dirty
passage-like yard, at the extremity of which is a deformed
tree. Here (in the sitting-room), on winter evenings, the
boarders congregate, to anathematize the stove when ill-
tended, to spit upon it when red hot. The furniture com-
prises some chairs, many stools, a print of a stage coach
which is yellow with age, and a spectral old sofa. To sit38
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
down upon the latter article
is a disconcerting transac-
tion ; for though the horse-
hair covering retains its
fully plumped appearance,
the springs and stuffing
have been removed, and
no sooner do you deposit yourself thereon, than an un-
looked-for descent of at least six inches is the result. It
is especially startling to fat old gentlemen.
Smoking being forbidden here (in deference to an an-
cient carpet, the pattern of which has long ago faded into
invisibility), a small apartment like the interior of a deal-
box, and formed by annexing a bit of the dining-room, is
devoted to the lovers of the 44 flagrant weed.” We re-
member decorating its sides with fancy sketches and
portraits of the more prominent boarders, which pro-
ceeding developed another characteristic on the part of
the landlord. He came out with savagely ironical, but
ungrammatically-written notices, the venom of which ap-
peared to consist in the frequent repetition of the words
44 some people,” and wafered them up on the inner side
of the street door.
On certain days the strip of yard is transformed into a
grove of wet linen, for washing is done at this Establish-
ment. The Irish girls who perform this (and every other)
species of labor, have their separate back-kitchen, which
is dark, subterranean and cock-roachy, and where our
landlady’s snuffle is often raised in anger. Sometimes her
husband acts as mediator, as also when boarders get a
little in arrear. Mrs.------, by-the-by, has an awful way
of coming 44 down upon” defaulters. As the luckless
debtor took his seat at the breakfast table, he would, in
the midst of a dead silence, receive an ominously nasal in-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
39
timation that she wanted to speak with him before he went
out. We have seen her glide, like an avenging Fury, after
a victim. There was always a battle-royal in the hall sub-
sequently. We shall not readily forget her fury at being
denominated a “ Billingsgate” on one of these occasions.
It were unreasonable, however, to blame her for having
a sharp eye to the main chance. Boarding-House keepers,
in general, fully earn their gains, and many lodgers require
looking after. Meantime our present Establishment is a
thriving one, and it is whispered that our landlady and
her husband have had conferences on the question of re-
tiring to the country.
In which case what is to become of our Philadelphian ?CHAPTER V.
THE FASHIONABLE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU DON’T
GET ENOUGH TO EAT.
order which displays more of gilding than good taste,
and more of plate-glass than either; its furniture is
showy but fragile, and its domestic conveniences include,
of course, “ all the modern improvements.”
Madame, the proprietress—she prefers being addressed
by that title (and if you can do it with outre French ac-
cent so much the better)—-has been a handsome woman
in her day, and unwilling to relinquish pretensions to the
character, now resorts to art to sustain it. She never ad-
vertises for boarders, considering it low, and relying en-
tirely on her private connection. You are received, if an
applicant, much after a fashion described in our second
chapter, being, however, ushered into the sitting-room by
a colored boy, (than whom no “ hand” on a slave planta-
is a stylish mansion of free
stone, in a patrician neigh-
borhood, not far from the
pleasant vicinity of Wash-
ington-square. Its interior
decorations are of that pe-
culiar French - New - YorkNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
41
lion could be more arbitrarily drilled), and his mistress
generally appears in a robe-de-chambre, with a blase look,
and artificial flowers in her hair. She is particular in her
inquiries as to your position, profession, and references.
It always happens that there is but one room vacant—in
consequence (as she incidentally informs you) of its recent
occupant leaving for a tour in Europe. And in all proba-
bility her daughters will chance to drop in in the course
of the interview, when you are accorded the favor of an
immediate introduction. They are two dashing, showy
girls, rather good-looking, and very brightly dressed—a
little more so than is consistent with morning costume.
Your reception is a gracious one, but the ladies presently
diverge into a side conversation, evolving an awful famili-
arity with Knickerbocker names. It inevitably occurs that
they have just returned from one of Mrs.---’s “ caudle
receptions” on the Fifth Avenue—which fact, on a six
months’ repetition, is suggestive of a most melancholy
state of health on the part of the lady, and a sad look-out
on that of her husband. On expressing your intention of
becoming an inmate of the Establishment—which Madame
listens to with an air indicative of hope that you will prove
worthy of the privilege—you learn that it has an especial
boot-black, with whom you ’re expected to make a private
arrangement; and are mildly, but firmly, requested not to
bring your baggage in a cart.
If you ’re a very young man, you congratulate yourself
on the prospect—perhaps indulge in a few roseate visions
in which those brilliant young ladies especially figure—
and move in accordingly. And, certainly, you will have
no cause for complaint on the score of lack of courtesy or
assumption of aristocratic exclusiveness. That pervades
every thing. The arrangements are as elegant as a dish
of trifle or blanc mange—and as unsatisfactory.42
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Your chamber—in which you are requested “not to
wash wide,” to smoke, or to rub matches against the
walls—is very neat and cleanly, and pretty well furnished,
but the three chairs are of such brittle construction that
you would as soon think of sitting upon them as upon spun-
glass, and instinctively speculate as to what you ’ll have
to pay for breakage. But had you as many hands as
Briareu^, and wanted to wash them every half hour, you
could n’t be better supplied with towels. There are also
dainty little bits of crochet-work under the soap dish, and
tumblers, and a big china slop-jar—we don’t know the
French equivalent, or would n’t horrify the reader by
using such a vulgar word. The bed is small and snow-
white—like a snow-drift on a child’s grave. In winter it
has fewer blankets on than is desirable.
You are not rung to meals by a bell, as in vulgar
Boarding-Houses. The colored boy taps at your door at
9 a.m., and deferentially informs you that breakfast is
ready. On descending, you find the gentlemen boarders
in dressing-gowns with ropes like bell-pulls, and the
ladies in elegant robes-de-chambre, with artful contriv-
ances of lace about their heads and busts. Severally,
they accord you a gracious good-morning as you glide to
the seat which Madame's gesture indicates, remove your
napkin from its ring and spread it over your knees in
preparation. The ladies are very lively and chatty, espe-
cially the younger one—so much so, indeed, that a cynic
might suspect the existence of a design to keep the
boarders’ jaws otherwise employed than on the breakfast,
which is light, tasty, and unsubstantial. There are very
small mutton-chops, pates, nick-nacks, and French bread
and coffee—made also a la Frangaise. Each dish is ex-
tinguished under a gorgeous cover of German silver, with
which material the table is generally resplendent. YouNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
43
can read the papers, if you like, during the progress of the
meal, and that without being thought ill-bred. Madame
is a subscriber to the Courier and Enquirer, the Herald,
Times, and Home Journal, the two last being the favor-
ites of the ladies. The Herald is generally depreciated
by them, but can not be dispensed with on account of its
winter reports of upper-ten balls and summer correspond-
ence from watering-places; their knowledge of the fash-
ionable world enabling them to explain the initials, and
fill up the dashes by which the names of its inhabitants
are half-chronicled. Madame also reads the Churchman
—as a matter of duty. She is strictly orthodox, and a
regular attendant at Grace Church.
Lunch, consisting of pie, delicate shavings of cold
meat, and coffee, is served at 1 p.m., and dinner at 6.
This meal invariably comprises five courses, commencing
with thin, whity-brown soup, and concluding with dessert,
of which water-melons form the staple in summer, and
frosted apples in winter. The ladies now appear in very
full-dress, and are fragrant with eau de Cologne, f rangi-
panni, jockey-club, or otto of roses; while the more
magnificently got-up gentlemen sport lace shirt-fronts and
wristlets, resembling the ornamental paper one sees on
French plum-boxes. As at breakfast/ the meal is seasoned
by much animated conversation, the ladies doing their
full share. All carving is performed at a side-table by a
darkey of butler-like aspect, who produces remarkably
small, thin slices, which are conveyed to your left side by
the colored boy. If you are at all absent-minded, or not
specially intent upon your plate, it (with the contents) is
very apt to be whisked away by the last-mentioned youth,
in obedience to strict, but privately-issued, instructions.
And, considering the fascinations of the young ladies,44
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
there is great risk of this. We have seen no less than
three successive plates reft from a hungry boarder, who
lacked moral courage to remonstrate. He went out sub-
sequently and had a porter-house steak at a Broadway
restaurant.
Entrees, side-dishes, and French cookery in general,
preponderate over joints, but there are plenty of artifi-
cial flowers and iced-water. The pastry is of the lightest
consistency and most delicate construction, and you are
helped to bits shaped like an attenuated triangle. A cup
or two of green, and very weak tea, served in the adjoin-
ing parlor, after the lapse of half an hour, concludes the
repast.
The boarders, like the Establishment, are eminently
genteel. At the time of our sojourn they were very
much as follows: Two superannuated bank clerks, a
stock-broker, three or four Cubans, an old major who had
been in the Canadian army, a fast young Southerner from
South Carolina, a London architect, and a crockery and
China merchant from Canal-street. This last was an ob-
liging individual, very much alive to the inferiority of his
social position and the privilege of being admitted to such
aristocratic society. He received the rallyings of the
young ladies and their playful allusions to “the shop”NEW YOEK BOAEEING - HOUSES.
- 45
with much humility and good-humor, and we suspect him
of secretly admiring one of them. Madame made him
useful in many ways. When it became desirable to snub
any boarder, he (the crockery merchant) was put into the
position of the offender, after the flogging boy system
once pursued in the education of young princes, by which
they took their flagellations by deputy. As witness the
following instance. The Cubans would smoke in their
chambers, disregarding the injunction that confined that
indulgence to a balcony in the rear of the dining-room.
So Mr. ——, to whom the slightest whiff of tobacco was
productive of great intestinal discommotion, was severely
cautioned “not to do that again,” and informed that if he
must have his horrid cigars, he’d better smoke ’em at the
store, down town.
Each of the young ladies has her part, and admirably
does she play up to it. The elder, wTho is one-and-twenty,
affects the sentimental and literary, occasionally flavoring
it by a dash of piety. She admires Longfellow, Holmes,
and Tupper, and looks
upon Willis as a fallen
angel. The younger
(who is about eight-
een) aspires to the
character of a fast
young lady, is partic-
ularly fond of danc-
ing, thinks sleighing
“first-rate fun,” and
adores Mr. Wallack
Lester (which amiable weakness, by-the-by, is not uncom-
mon with up-town young ladies). She aims, too, at smart-
ness in conversation, and brilliancy of repartee, principally
at the expense of weak-minded or unguarded persons, for	46
	THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
	whom she sets little pit-falls—as thus. You hear her as-
	sert strong distaste for some hook, tune, fashion, etc.—
	being the very reverse of former professions. You inno-
	cently express surprise, commencing with the fatal words,
	“ I thought—” When Miss-----------immediately breaks in
	upon the sentence, exclaiming, with great vivacity, “ O,
	Mr. -----, it don’t do always to trust one’s thoughts!
	I thought, at first, you were very clever and amusing—
	and you ’re not /.” Upon which you are supposed to be
	crushed for the rest of the evening. This lady’s fascina-
	tions are brought to bear on the younger of the bachelor
	boarders, and two of the Cubans are desperately in love
	with her. Her sister devotes herself to the seniors, and
	.we incline to the supposition that she will, in the long
	run—after she has sufficiently humiliated him—marry the
	crockery merchant.
	Both the young ladies and their mother come out in
	great force in the evenings. She does not pretend to
	music, but they both play and sing, after due solicitation.
	Conversation turns mostly on the newest novel, fashion, or
	marriage, and the opeka. There is also another topic—
	next door. Madame has a standing feud with one of her
	neighbors, who attempts to depreciate her as the keeper
	of a Boarding-House. She will “ reckon up” their origin for
	you with dreadful exactness, and designates them as low,
	stuck-up people. With respect to her position in life, she
	feelingly hints that undeserved misfortunes have reduced
	her to it, and says that but for the dear girls she shouldn’t
	have thought of surviving the death of her husband.
	The reader will have noticed that in our enumeration
	of the various boarders no ladies appear. Madame always
	avoids admitting such, unless old. This, we think, will be
	found to be invariably the case in all Establishments where
	there are unmarried daughters, and for double reasons.
NEW YOEK BO AEDING-II OUSES.
47
In the first place, it is desirable to avoid risk of counter
attractions, in the second place, ladies are apt to observe
each other too much and too closely. The many little
dodges which to the thick sight of man are invisible, lie
quite open to the quick eye of woman.
Yet we do recollect a lady-boarder, too. But she was
old, rich, and had a son, whom the younger daughter did
especially favor. He, a mild youth, addicted to playing
on the flute, used to collect the rents of various tenement
houses, owned by his mother (and sometimes came home
with black-eyes in consequence). This lady and her son,
may, with one of the elderly stock-brokers, have claimed
this title of Pet-Boarders. (We shall have much to say of
the species hereafter.) He was a fussy old boy of sixty,
accustomed to diluting the editorials of the Courier an^d
Enquirer and delivering them in an oracular manner as his
opinions over the dinner-table. His linen was very par-
ticularly cared for, and the young ladies marked his shirts
and pocket handkerchiefs with their own fair hands.
During the summer season, the blinds in the front of
the house are kept scrupulously closed, and every thing
done to give it an “ out of to wn” look. If the ladies stir
abroad it is at early morning, or late at night, and then
so limp in figure, and disguised in aspect that you would
scarcely recognize them. But, for the most part, they con-
fine themselves to back rooms, Madame even discarding
the basement, which is her place of business, where trades-
people wait upon her, have their bills severely scrutinized,
and occasionally are brought up sharp about overcharges.
The boarders’ payments are monthly. You find a small
billet in a delicate envelope, directed in an angular Italian
hand, stuck in the looking-glass, and containing your bill
—always on the morning before it is due. And, if a week
elapse without payment, you discover a remarkable change48
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
in the demeanor of the young ladies toward you. They
will become quite cool, absolutely Arctic. Madame is
not accustomed to admitting arrears. She tells the crock-
ery merchant that she never has boarders who don’t pay
punctually. If you would develop her displeasure still
further, only spill a cup of coffee on the clean table-
cloth.
A ball celebrates each anniversary of the opening of her
Establishment, when there is a great display of dancing,
lemonade, candies, bon-bons, ginger wine, and artificial
flowers. Most of the ladies invited are ugly, and “ dear
friends” of her daughters. They are recommended to you
with charming cordiality, as most excellent, intellectual
girls. (And, by the way, we never knew an ugly woman
who wasn’t excellent, or intellectual.) On these occasions
the arbiter of fashion, the janitor of upper tendom, the
sexton of Grace Church—in a word, the great Brown is in
the ascendant. He is a friend of Madame? s.
And thus, in her glory, we leave her.CHAPTER VI.
THE DIRTY BOARDING-HOUSE.
ERE we simply guided by
our own inclinations,
it is more than prob-
able that we should
blink the responsibil-
ity of writing this
chapter. We don’t
affect to despise that
: respectable proverb
which asserts that no-
body can touch pitch without being defiled. But in our
capacity of pen-and-ink photographist, wTe can not afford
to ignore the existence of the Dirty Boarding-House.
Our book would be incomplete without it. Having no
choice, then, but to proceed, we do so—premising that
the reader shall not be detained longer than is neces-
sary within the uncleanly Establishment we select as an
extreme type of a class of dwellings which are only too
numerous.
It is a dingy, narrow-fronted, three-story edifice, in a
mean street on the east side of the town, within two doors
of one of our busiest thoroughfares. Its mistress, a lady
of Irish extraction, has retained, in full perfection, that
lively antipathy to soap and water characteristic of her
350
TIIE PHYSIOL OGY
OF
nationality. Her husband is a policeman. And six or
seven ubiquitous children impart the reverse of gladness
to their mutual household.
Mrs.------’s hydrophobia is equally manifest in her per-
son, children, and Establishment—the former being large,
loose, oleaginous and black-worsted-stockinged; the
second, unkempt, inodorous, and ragged; and the three
emphatically dirty. Her hair is red, and coiffle d la
horsetail. Her dress favors the spectator with glimpses
of her stays. She has a generally un-tied, stringy, down-
at-heel-and-go-to-bed-with-her-clothes-on aspect. Ho good
man could look at her without a wish to put her under a
pump. Which would be also his impulse with respect to
the children.
Their ages range from three months to eight years, the
minors being vociferous twins. Their affections are con-
fined to dirt-pies, candies, dead cats, and the gutters of
the vicinity. It is difficult to avoid treading on them as
you mount the staircase, which is generally—if we may
be allowed the expression—in a squirmy condition.
The premises are of peculiar construction. A little
dry-goods establishment, having no connection with them,
occupies the lower story; ascent to the upper rooms being
gained by the narrow and excessively dirty staircase just
alluded to. These extend over a boot-store in the adja-
cent thoroughfare, as we discovered on the first night of
our sojourn in the Dirty Boarding-House. We were
then inducted into a small room, very like the interior of a
collapsed diving-bell. It had no particular shape, and but
one window, which was hermetically fastened, and looked
into a sort of shaft, covered at top by a cucumber-frame
skylight for the purpose of illuminating the premises be-
low. Opposite us, in an apartment of similar construction,
we remarked that two of the window-panes had been re-NEW YOEK BOARDING-HOUSES.
51
moved—possibly for ventilation—
thus allowing one of the occupants
an opportunity of sticking his feet
through, and going to sleep in that
position. We thought of plagiar-
izing the idea—it was in July—
but were doubtful as to the result.
Our neighbors—two rough, good-humored laboring-
men, sometimes played the banjo, and sometimes fought
in bed. They also sent the landlady’s eldest son out
for beer, and generously invited us to partake; bringing
it into our chamber at midnight, in a ewer. And once
they made our room-mate drunk on New England rum
with tobacco in it. He was a remarkably ugly boy, the
expression of whose countenance could only be compared
to that of a bilious codfish attempting to swallow a can-
non ball. He used to make himself ill in attempting to
smoke strong cigars, and, at first, manifested an inclination
to become unpleasantly confidential on the subject of his
“ busts.” He received our advice—to confine his in-
dulgences to pea-nuts and the Bowery pit—with indig-
nation.
Heat and insect phlebotomists—after four nights’ occu-
pancy of this apartment—effected our removal to another.
This v7as a little room over the passage, which had been
whitewashed no later than three years ago; and w7here
we had the unshared privilege of feeding myriads of
creeping carnivofi. We never saw “Red Rovers” in
such profusion or of equal ferocity. They would have
reduced a Daniel Lambert to an anatomical preparation in
the course of one summer. We soon learnt why the old
English poets made the devil lord of insects. “Ne’er a
king’s son in Christendom could be better bitten.” We
were spotted all over like a leopard, and had to go to sleep52
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
with a lamp and matches by our bed-side; waking up,
regularly, to half hourly battues—or, rather, to explosive
and inodorous cremations. Of the size of these vampires
our readers may form some idea by the fact that there was
an awful legend current among the boarders, that the
crystal of a watch had been broken by an elderly bed-bug
tumbling upon it!
If the speculative question propounded by Lowell’s
Parson Wilbur—whether Noah was justified in preserv-
ing this portion of the animal tribe—had been submitted
to the inmates of the Dirty Boarding-House, we are con-
fident that a most emphatic negative would have been
rendered! The opinion of the learned Italian Jesuit
Giulio Cordara (so complimentary to Providence)—that
insects did n’t exist in Paradise, but were created subse-
quent to the fall, for the especial annoyance of mankind—
might have been received with favor.
Bed-making was performed at any hour from 3 to 7
p. m., by a relative of the landlady’s, who also officiated
as cook and general attendant. One room, extending
from front to rear, over the dry-goods store, served as
parlor, kitchen, and dining-room. A big, white screen
concealed the culinary department from general observa-
tion, behind which—judging from auricular-olfactory tes-
timony—was a mixed-up arrangement of pots and pans,
babies, crockery, cradles, cooking-stoves, and blankets.
We believe the landlady, her husband, children and ser-
vant slept there. In the public half the boarders used to
divert themselves by killing cock-roaches of evenings.
The diet provided at the Dirty Boarding-House was
plentiful, though porky—swine’s flesh forming its staple.
Porgies—purchased in their decadence from perambula-
tory fish-vendors—sometimes varied this anti-HebraiealNEW YORK BOAKDING-HOUSES,
53
peculiarity. The coffee tasted like diluted molasses, fla-
vored with roast peas, chicory, Flanders-brick, and dirt.
The hashes were tallowy. The buckwheat cakes partook
equally of the characteristics of flannel and gutta-percha—
and sometimes had insects (known as Croton-water bugs)
in them. But pork was the universal dish. Every body was
over-porked. Boarders had rashes brought out upon them
in consequence, and we remember one consulting a doctor
under the impression that he had contracted varioloid.
There might have been a dozen boarders. The aristo-
crats of the place were a dispensary doctor (who generally
fuddled himself on Monday morning, and continued in
that condition until Saturday night); a dry-goods clerk
from the store below; and a young man engaged in the
wholesale fish-exporting business, down-town. The latter
used to perfume the room with a bouquet de salt-mackerel.
Another boarder aspired to the position of Pet, and was
hated by the rest because he brought home butter of an
athletic description, as an equivalent for his entertain-
ment ; also—it was said—cheating the landlady by alter-
ing the weight-mark on the top of the firkin. Injustice,
however, be it remarked, that he could eat of it at table.
He even professed to like it.
The “ peck of dirt” assigned by an unpleasant proverb to
every member of the human family, as part of his inevitable
aliment, might have been disposed of in a very short time
at the Dirty Boarding-House. The landlady didn’t waste
time in washing plates, dishes, and other gastronomic uten-
sils, and a sediment of a week’s antiquity often collected
in the bottoms of the pitchers. The knives and forks
were picturesque and various in size
and pattern, the backs of the former
having been worn into a keen edge, and
most of the latter owning broken, dis-54
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
torted prongs, and revolving handles. Some had been re-
paired with putty, which came off in use. (This applies also
to the plates.) The cruets stood awry, and were destitute
of stoppers (which might account for the presence of hairs
and crumbs in the ketchup). It was advisable to scrape
the surface of the salt before chipping a bit out for use.
The table-cloth resembled a map of the United States, in
consequence of the many parti-colored stains ornamenting
it. We believe it was reversed—once a fortnight.
The like stoical indifference, amounting almost to sub-
limity, to what ordinary mortals affect to consider the de-
cencies of daily life, exhibited itself in other particulars.
In bed-making, one sheet only was changed at a time, and
many of the blankets had large gaps in what ought to
have been their centers—admirably adapting them to
summer use. We incline to the belief that the towels
- (originally constructed from ancient coffee-bags) were
washed but once a year, though the ingenious expedient
of shifting them from room to room slightly disguised
this fact, or invested it with the charm of novelty. So
seldom was broom or brush used in our apartment, that
on our shedding a shirt-button, it lay undisturbed beside
the washing-stand until rendered invisible by the fine coat-
ing of dust which successive weeks deposited upon it.
And this, too, in spite of the servant’s passion for keeping
windows closed. She and her mistress had as great an
aversion to fresh air as to water. There was always an
' atmosphere of the night before last in the dining-room.
The landlord—a man with a face like a dyspeptic bull-
dog—we saw very little of. . He used to come home at
all hours of the day and night, and generally went imme-
diately to bed (behind the screen), though sometimes he
might be observed lingering about the entry, or a low
groggery at the corner of the block. On these occa-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
55
dons he was often accompanied by an individual possess-
ing the most unmistakably rascally face we had ever
looked upon. Let our readers picture to themselves a
hybrid between an ourang-outang and a hyena, and it will
give them some idea of his countenance. Subsequently
we learned that the fellow was a Tombs lawyer, which, in
a manner, justified his physiognomy.
Boarders were expected to pay up promptly in the
Dirty Establishment. We remember a row occurring at
breakfast, on the occasion of a defaulter taking his seat
before settling for the past week. After much verbal
profanity on both sides, the policeman attempted to eject
his lodger, seizing him by the hair of his head for that
purpose. They tumbled down stairs together, and into a
fight at the bottom. Our landlord had the worst of it,
nor was he rescued from his antagonist until his wife and
the servant came to his assistance. The nose of the latter
young lady sustained some injury in the conflict, and
resembled a damaged tomato for three days afterward.
This damsel (who was much horrified on the above
occasion, by the doctor’s proposition to amputate her
proboscis) might have been selected as the extreme type
of objectionable Biddy ness.	She never took off her
clothes, washed or combed herself, or wrnnt out of doors.
Her intellect was not equal to the comprehension of a
simple request, and repetition confused her. You might
have sown potatoes in her brogue, it was so thick. She
would have been perfectly contented on an exclusive diet
of the skins of her national vegetable, and tobacco. She
had but a limited idea of cause and effect. We have seen
her fill a stove with big lumps of anthracite, and apply a
solitary match to the bottom for the purpose of producing
ignition : have known her to trim a lamp with vinegar—
or what passed for it (diluted vitriol) in the Dirty Board-5G
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ing House. An unfortunate partiality for smoking often
brought her within danger of extempore and involun-
tary Sutteeism, as she
was frequently discover-
ed in a state of slow
combustion, in conse-
quence of the presence of
unextinguished pipes in
her pocket. We put her
out, once, with the con-
tents of a slop-pail. (It
did n’t make her dirtier.)
Also she had several nar-
row escapes from blowing
herself up with camphene,
which, we doubt not, she
will finally effect. We shall read of it in the papers some
day.
In the ceiling of the room overlooking the adjoining
thoroughfare—a large one containing four beds—there
was a trap-door, affording egress on to the roof. Here, on
summer nights, the boarders would assemble, in their shirt-
sleeves, to indulge in beer and short pipes—occasionally
varying those contemplative enjoyments by pelting the
cats, with which the neighboring roofs abounded. Once
they borrowed a fowling-piece, which, being loaded with
small shot, brought many feline flirtations to a tragic con-
clusion. The victims, if obtainable, were generally dropped
down their owners’ chimneys. This subsequently led to a
discontinuance of the practice. Another amusement, in-
troduced by the doctor, met with great favor. It con-
sisted in standing at a window on Sunday afternoons, and
dazzling the eyes of pedestrians or occupants of opposite
houses, with the reflection produced by agitating a look-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
57
ing-glass. A gaunt carpenter and his wife (Spiritualists)
actually invited a roomful of friends to witness this in-
scrutable phenomena, when, unhappily, the secret was
discovered in consequence of over-zeal on the part of the
operators. ISTo less than six mirrors, at an equal number
of windows, were in use on that occasion.
Such were the diversions, and such our experience of a
Dirty Boarding-House. May the reader never have to
reside in one!
3*CHAPTER VII.
THE “ HAND-TO-MOUTH” BOARDING-HOUSE.
HIS Establishment stands in
one of those shabby thorough-
fares which the extension of
Canal-street is rapidly improv-
ing off the face of New York.
It is a frame house, and like
its mistress, of forlorn and
pinched-up aspect, both having
seen better days. Like her,
too, it has sometimes made
attempts to brighten up a
little, and show a cheery face
to the world—and looked more dismal for the failure.
Miss------is a maiden lady, so palpably past the merid-
ian of life, that she does not attempt to deny it. Her face
is thin and withered, and two long, hay-colored curls de-
pend mournfully on either side of it. Her figure is so de-
void of symmetry, that, but for her countenance, you
would be in doubt as to which side of her you were stand-
ing. She does not dress herself tastefully. Everyway
she is a plain, unpicturesque old maid—just such a one as
young ladies are prone to favor with valentines represent-
ing witch-like harridans on broomsticks, or surrounded byNEW YORK BOARDING -IIOUSE9.
50
attendant familiars, in the shapes of cats, parrots, and
devils.
She has kept a Boarding-House for upward of twenty
years, hut it has scarcely returned the compliment. For
twice that time her industry has failed to lift her above the
dread of to-morrow. That she works hard, her bony
hands attest—that she rises early, the Irish servant-girl
often grumblingly avows—that the dietary and domestic
arrangements are needlessly expensive, the boarders would
indignantly deny—yet it is certain that Miss-------is al-
ways a little in arrears with the world—of all creditors the
most unmerciful, and the surest to take interest out of its
debtors in a disagreeable manner.
Her house, described in the Sun (to which entertaining
journal she is a subscriber) as containing “ genteel apart-
ments within five minutes’ walk of Broadway,” comprises
half-a-dozen indifferently-furnished rooms, exclusive of the
parlor and kitchen. The former of these has a threadbare,
but miraculously-darned carpet, a sprinkling of feeble-
backed cane chairs—which are very shaky on their legs—
a faded sofa, an ancestral rocking-chair (with one of those
aggravating pieces of clean crochet-work which stick to
your hair or tumble off when you sit down, spread carefully
over its top) and a gaunt piano, which has not been tuned
since the presidency of James K. Polk. The chambers,
too, are equipped in an equally poor manner, but though
the sheets display so many patches as to impart a scratch-
ing sensation to the spines of recumbent boarders, no
Broadway dandy’s shirt-front could be more scrupulously
washed.
Of course, as the Establishment is a cheap one, the
quality of the meals furnished is not of the first order.
Miss------(in common with the landladies of most poor
Boarding-Houses, and some well-to-do ones), does her own60
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
marketing, trudging through rain or sunshine at early
morning, and returning with a heavy basket laden with
such provisions as her slendei*purse affords. Occasionally,
however, she is unable to effect this without debt; and
complains bitterly (or would do so, had any one the com-
plaisance to listen to her), that butchers take advantage
of this, in supplying inferior meat at increased prices.
Her groceries are often purchased in small quantities, just
enough for each meal, previous to which the servant may
be seen hurrying from the corner store, with a loaf under
each arm, and various cone-shaped parcels of coffee, tea or
sugar, wrapped in that coarse straw paper peculiarly de-
voted to such purposes. Sometimes Miss---------is necessi-
tated to waylay you in the passage, to solicit cash advances
on your week’s board, upon which the quality of your
dinner will depend. It is politic, as well as good-natured,
to comply, as you will thereby secure a savory dish or so,
as well as the good-will of your landlady.
Sooth to say, what with her landlord’s regular yearly
demand for higher rent and the increasing price of food,
she has a hard time of it. She owes her servant money,
who, consequently brow-beats and defies her, and invites
muscular Irishmen into the kitchen, with scarcely a feint
of the usual apologetic fiction, “Shure, it’s me cousin,
mum!” She is in arrears with her milkman, who abso-
lutely lords it over her, and has, more than once, cut off
the supply of lacteal fluid. Her coal merchant demurs
about bringing a ton of Red Ash or Peach Orchard—
until paid, like a subscription to a newly-started newspaper,
“ punctually in advance.” Nor are her cares and anxieties
particularly lightened by the comments of her boarders,
or their general behavior to her.
Not that there is—on the part of the male boarders—
any especial manifestation of want of feeling and consid-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	G1
eration (beyond that spirit of antagonism we shall have
occasion, hereafter, to remark as frequently existing be-
tween the mistresses of these Establishments and their
lodgers). As is generally the case, they are more un-
thinkingly than intentionally unjust.
Half a dozen careless men (engaged in various employ-
ments, as printers, gilders, clerks, etc.), could scarcely be
expected to trouble themselves with considerations of deli-
cacy on the behalf of the lonely old maid who contracted
to supply their necessities of eating, drinking, and sleeping.
So they grumbled occasionally at the deficiencies at table,
cut jokes at their landlady’s personal appearance and pre-
sumed hopeless aspirations toward matrimony, quizzed
her peculiarities, and loaned or refused her money wdth
equal brusquerie. But the demeanor of the lady-boarders
deserves special mention, as illustrative of the kindness of
heart sometimes exhibited by woman toward the weaker
of their own sex.
They were but tw^o in number, wives of boarders. Their
leisure—that is to say the wrhole of their time—appeared
to be divided between Broadway, the novels of Mr. G.
W. Reynolds, and disquisitions on the characters of suchf> 2
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
persons as enjoyed the felicity of their acquaintance.
When they came down late to breakfast—which they in-
variably did—with limp figures, hair screwed up in frag-
ments of last week’s Police Gazette, and similar graceful
deshabille—one could n’t help envying the happiness of
their husbands, who sewed on their oven shirt-buttons, the
ladies declining such tasks, and, indeed, all needlework,
on the standing plea of sickness. One had a child, a
puny, weak little creature, afflicted with water on the
brain, of which it subsequently died. And many an
evening, when the he-rouged, he-hooped, and he-flounced
mother was disporting herself at cheap public balls, did
poor Miss-----take care of this child, When it died its
affectionate parent said, “ perhaps it was a good thing for
God to take it.” Probably it was.
But it was not to be expected that any such simple
good offices on the part of the landlady could mollify the
indignation and contempt entertained by this lady and
her companion toward one who had failed in that great
object of female ambition (in their eyes)—catching a hus-
band. They were perpetually, persistently, and inexorably
down upon her. All her shortcomings and piteous shifts
to keep up appearances were dragged into light, sneered
at, and tattled about. They knew the number of her
dresses, and how often they had been turned and dyed.
They forbade their husbands advancing loans to her, on
account of board, or still more insultingly recommended
it; subsequently informing every body of the obligation.
They were implacable toward little delays in the appear-
ance of meals, assuming a clamorous indignation at their
husbands being “ kept away from business”—if but for
ten minutes. They evinced a preternatural facility of
discovering deteriorations of diet, and sometimes suc-
ceeded in setting the men grumbling. They indirectlyNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
63
accused her of appropriating small quantities of coal
from their private stores to her own use. (This, by the
vray, is a fruitful source of squabbles in most Boarding-
Houses. We have known a suspicious individual to
to sit up all night in a dark cellar in order to detect
purely imaginary de]>
redators.) They so
badgered and worried
the servants on the
question of having their
breakfasts brought up
to them in bed, that
Miss ------- declared,
tearfully, “It was im-
possible to get a girl to
stay with her.” They
invented rancorous
slanders about the land-
lady’s antecedents, and
sowed them broadcast
among her tradesfolks.
And, finally, they af-
fected virtuously improper surmises on her manifesting
emotion at the receipt of letters directed in a masculine
hand, from California. We believe they came from an
only brother who had n’t behaved very well to her, and
had been exported to the diggings by his sister’s money.
She used to cry a good deal over them, and to sit up late
in the back parlor writing long answers by the light of an
oil lamp, which smelt unpleasantly.
*	*	Hi	Hi	Hi	Hi	Hi
Very far from us be it to arraign the average justice
accorded by the world to our lonely spinster, or to her
class. The term “ old maid”—ordinarily affixed like a64
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
tin-kettle to the tail of an unoffending animal, to torment
its bearer and amuse lookers-on—could scarcely be ren-
dered less ludicrous or more endurable by our champion-
ship. Yet it might be worthy of inquiry whether a too
large license is not accorded to wives over their single
sisters. Whether their whims, oddities, and eccentricities
are not passed over very lightly* in comparison with those
of the solitary virgin whose temper is fretted into asperi-
ties by the world’s indifference or contempt. And, finally,
whether some old maids are not as good, kindly and un-
selfish creatures as any in the world.
It is too generally assumed that unmarried women are
so compulsorily. But whether this is the case or no, why
should one sex be ridiculed for its voluntary or involun-
tary choice, while the other is allowed to consult its selfish
pleasure? Listen to noble Jean Paul, “It is not always
our duty to marry, but is always our duty to abide by
right, not to purchase happiness by the loss of honor, nor
to avoid unweddedness by untruthfulness.”
% •	*	Ht	*	Ht	Ht	Ht
With respect to poor Miss-------, we can only hope that
the brother who didn’t behave very well to her may have
luck at the diggings, and come back to redeem his char-
acter.CHAPTER YIII.
THE “ SERIOUS” BOARDING-HOUSE,
---------— S? though not within what were
once considered the limits of
upper-tendom—being south of
Bleecker-street—-just on its an-
cient confines. A plain house
of somber color, on the shady
side of the way in-the afternoon,
the door bearing its mistress’
name in black letters upon a
square and brightly-jDolished
brass plate. The steps are, even
in winter, kept scrupulously
clean, and the area-gate locked;
tradesfolks being expected to
ring a bell especially devoted to
them. You will not, in general,
hear of this Establishment through the medium of adver-
tisements, neither does the landlady reply to any. “ She
is thankful,” she tells you, “ that her house is mostly full.”
She has been known, occasionally, to insert a few lines in
the Evangelist newspaper.
On applying for board—which, however, unless you ’re
a mildly-developed young man, or under the coercion of
severely religious parents, you ’re not at all likely to do—66
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
expect to be inducted into a grim front parlor. There, you
will scarcely have time to observe a book-case filled with
volumes of sermons and such light literature, (which is
always kept locked, possibly from motives of humanity,)
half a dozen strait-backed and very unaccommodating look,
ing chairs, a cheerful lithograph, representing a number
of savages engaged in knocking a missionary’s brains out
w ith big clubs, and badly executed portraits, in oil, of the
landlady and her husband, when the former appears.
Being, as aforesaid, a mildly-developed youth, you prob-
ably have not read Dickens’ David Copperjield, otherwise
you would instinctively jump at the idea that Miss Murd-
stone had quarreled with her amiable brother, emigrated
to New York, got married, and set up as the keeper of a
Boarding-House. Mrs. ------might, we are persuaded,
have played the part* at Burton’s, with immense success,
on the strength of her countenance alone.
She receives you vdth stony politeness, and at once
proceeds to inform you of the rules of her establishment;
characterizing it as a quiet, Christian one. Cards, latch-
keys, reading in bed, Sunday papers, and smoking, are
prohibited. With respect to the last-mentioned luxuries,
however, she grimly concedes, that she can’t j>revent your
indulging in them in your own room—if you find pleasure
in such things—but, she adds, she does n’t wish a bad ex-
ample set to her young gentlemen. As to the question of
latch-keys, if any unavoidable occasion necessitate your
being out later than eleven, “ at which hour we invariably
lock the street door,” Mr.---(her husband) will sit up
for you.
This gentleman—we shall fancy the reader weak enough
to become a boarder—is somewhat advanced in years, and
has an expression of countenance such as might be sup-
posed would be produced by an exclusive diet of persim-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
67
mons. Like his wife, he is a Presbyterian—Hard-Shell de-
nomination. They entertain strong views as to creed,
objecting to all Christians of other denominations, to music,
dancing, books (unless serious ones) theatres, and any
attempt at cheerfulness on Sunday. The day, by the by, is
scarcely known to them by that good, old-fashioned word,
“ the Sabbath,” and “ Lord’s day,” having usurped its place.
But rigidly righteous as this may seem, their faith is en-
tirely eclipsed by the virulent theology of Mrs. -----’s
mother, a formidable old lady, who wears a cap similar to
that in which Hannah More is generally depicted. Her
Christianity is of the most sulphureously blue-light order.
She has the liveliest belief in what a friend of ours once
felicitously termed “the inherent d-----nation of every
body.” Indeed, Pandemonium is so unpleasantly promi-
nent in the .excellent matron’s creed, as to excite a sus-
picion that it is to her religion (and that of those resem-
bling her) what pickles are to lunch—a great zest and
relish.
The boarders—especially such as differ in faith from the
family—frequently come in for the benefit of the opinions
of this venerable female. In common with her daughter
and son-in-law, she has an especially pious aversion to
Roman Catholicism—which she terms “ Idolatry”—and
to Episcopalianism. We remember her informing a lady
of the latter persuasion, who had ventured on a mild en-
conium on the Church of England service for the Burial
of the Dead, that it was only “ a whitening of sepulchres;”
and that if she looked for salvation in that quarter, she’d
be very unpleasantly undeceived, some day. In which
healthy sentiment she was abetted by another boarder,
also malign antly-orthodox, according to the Calvinistic
standard. This lady had had three husbands, two of
wdiom committed suicide, while the third ran away from68
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
her. She considered the world wicked enough to deserve
a much worse punishment than burning up (could it be
conveniently contrived) but had, individually, a great
terror of quitting it. For let but a hint be dropped of
the presence of any slight epidemic in the city, she in-
stantly left town.
Three times each Sunday did she, the landlady, and
landlady’s mother, go to church; Mr. -------- sometimes
accompanying them. His preparatory “ grace” before
dinner was longer on that day than others. If any thing
detained him the boarders were expected to wait, unless
one took the office upon himself. During the time of our
sojourn one gentleman was particularly available for this,
being a clergyman and ex-missionary, and the landlady’s
especial pride, glory, and bulwark of Presbyterian respec-
tability.
He was a kindly-natured man, rather cramped by his
creed, as is not uncommonly the case with his class. Too
much is expected of them. If we persist in demanding
an inhuman amount of perfection from our spiritual in-
structors, it is no wonder if some become straight-laced.
And this, we think, accounts for the very general and un-
just accusation of hypocrisy made against clergymen. For
one can’t go through life, maintaining an unpleasantly per-
fect altitude above fallible mortals, without risking that,
or the sin of over-righteousness—of all sins the most
abominable. Our clergyman was comparatively free from
both, though a latent stratum of intolerance, underlying
his piety, became eruptive on occasion. A quick-tempered,
narrow-minded, conscientious, opinionated, and charitable
man, he only lacked large-heartedness to become a good one.
He was a widower, without family, though fulfilling the
double part of uncle and preceptor to a boy of twelve—
one of the most extraordinary of juveniles.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
09
It is a privilege to have known that moral and intellec-
tual Phenomenon. He was a rosy-faced, dark-haired, near-
sighted youth, possessing a small, flute-like voice, and pre-
ternatural glibness of speech. He never, by any chance,
did a boyish action. He always descended to breakfast
bursting with information ak to the state of the thermom-
eter, and was so superfluously polite as to bid you good-
day whenever he met you, though it should chance twenty
times in the course of a morning. He dabbled in ento-
mology, didn’t approve of ShciTcspeare, and objected to
story-books, “ as he had heard of persons becoming insane
from the pernicious habit of novel-reading.” He spoke of
the simplest things with the greatest elaboration, and
would inform the landlady that “ owing to the negligence
of the servant, some water had been spilt in the passage,
which, by the action of the weather, had been converted
into ice, and that he should recommend its immediate
removal, in order to prevent accidents!” He addressed
grown persons over the dinner-table on the political,
social, or religious questions of the day, and would en-
courage them to enter into discussions with him. He
greatly enjoyed defining his position on every possible
subject, and once favored us with his “ platform,” which
was ultra-Garrisonian. He always read the newspapers.
He was a staunch advocate of the Maine Law.* He had
a little dressing-gown, and a special costume for garden-
ing. At table, his appetite and choice of food were guided
by tnose of his uncle, and, probably, had that gentleman
needed castor-oil, he would have demanded a similar dose.
He was insufferably affable, revoltingly polite, preter-
* Apropos of which, we find it impossible to resist indulging our
readers with the insertion of the following verses—whether of the
young gentleman’s composition we can not positively assert, though
strongly inclining to that opinion. We picked them up in MS. on the70
TII E PHYSIOLOGY OF
naturally precocious. Had you inquired his sentiments
as to Predestination, Original Sin, or Chinese Metaphysics,
we’ve no doubt he would have “gone in” with perfect
confidence in his ability to explain those not particularly
simple subjects. You could as soon have put the author
of the life of P. T. Barnum out of countenance. He called
upon the girl who waited at table—a hard-featured,
small-pox-marked, Scotch damsel, hired on account of her
Protestantism and ugliness—three times as much as any
grown boarder. The ladies of the Establishment admired
his “ excellent moral principles,” petted him, and once
formed an audience to a lecture of his delivering. We
believe the subject was On Sea-weed and the Moral Les-
sons inculcated by It. The male boarders, to a man, de-
tested him—which was very unkind, as he always treated
them with the greatest condescension.
We used to sit opposite to him at meals, and were never
tired of looking at and speculating about his future. We
knew what a nice young man he must grow up into. We
fancied the offensively virtuous life he would lead, merg-
ing all minor peccadilloes into one ineradicable cancer of
spiritual self-conceit. And furthermore, when removed to
a sphere worthy of his manifold perfections, we thought
what an unpleasant angel he’d make. We could imagine
him stepping up to Michael and glibly expressing his gen-
staircase and caligraphy being small, neat, skinny, and formal. They
might have been copied from some Temperance Hymn-Book:
gp
“I’m a little Temperance boy,
Twelve years old!
And I love Temperance
Better than gold!
Every little boy, like me,
The Temperance-pledge should sign,
Eor God loves little boys
Who don’t love wine!!!”NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
71
oral approval of celestial arrangements, but offering a hint
or so by way of improving the Constitution.
He was not the only youthful boarder in the “ Serious”
Establishment. Two others, a boy and girl, owed their
existence to the union of a heavy gentleman (engaged in
the oil-trade) with a small, weak-eyed lady, his second
wife. It was whispered (and here we may remark that
there was far more than the average under-current of
tattle and slander afloat in the “ Serious” Boarding-House)
that she had brought her husband a large fortune, and
that he behaved very meanly to her—the ladies asserting
“ she had n’t a frock fit to put on.” But he was eminently
pious. Immensely so. And, by-the-by, it is worthy of
observation that pious men generally marry prudently;
and if they become widowers, scarcely ever remain such.
Knowing that money is the root of all evil, they burn
with Christian heroism to struggle with it; honoring
matrimony as a divine institution, they can’t have too
much of it. The children of these parents had different
but unpleasing idiosyncracies. The boy was fourteen, had
straight hair, a face like a bad lemon, a querulous voice,
bony legs, and large feet. He used to put his arms round
his mother’s neck at dinner-time—toward the conclusion
of the meal—and whiningly solicit permission to over-eat
himself. The girl was only remarkable for sulkiness, de-
testation of her father, and a habit of kicking her broth-
er’s shins under the table. The twain sometimes endeav-
or ecfto get up a game of romps with the Prodigy, but he
considered his dignity insulted by such proposals, and
always kept aloof. You could not offend him more
thoroughly than by treating him as a boy. He wras very
susceptible of such affronts, and never, thoroughly, for-
gave a boarder who once took him up in his arms. On
another occasion, too, he was moved to such anger as12
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
to tell the landlady that he considered her behavior
“beastly”—for which he subsequently apologized in
words of three syllables.
The meals provided at the “ Serious” Boarding-House
were excellent in quality, plentiful in quantity, and not
ill-served; though the entire duty of attendance fell upon
the angular shoulders of the Scotch virgin. For the elect
are by no means indifferent to the pleasures of the palate,
not unfrequently attaching over-much importance to that
which might be denominated the grossest of all enjoy-
ments. An unregenerate scoffer would say that by vol-
untarily debarring themselves from many innocent pleas-
ures they are necessitated to fall back upon the most
unspiritual ones. We have seen the brother and sister
recently alluded to absolutely wallow in turkey and cran-
berry sauce. Generally there was a complete rampart
of dishes encircling that family at dinner.
Sunday-—always a dull day in Boarding-Houses—was
preternaturally slow in the “ Serious” one. Church-going,
with intervals of feeding to repletion appeared to be the
rule of conduct with the majority of its occupants. Some
of the young men, however, stayed at home during the
afternoon and “ carried on” extensively in their chambers;
beating each other with pillows and struggling upon the
beds. When Mrs.------ascended, or sent up the Scotch
virgin to remonstrate, they assumed a meek aspect and
endeavored to criminate one another. When less actively
disposed, they slept, coming down gaping and with^gen-
erally foggy aspects at the sound of the supper bell.
There were very few attempts at conversation, as the
landlady, her mother, the malignantly-orthodox lady, and
heavy gentleman disapproved of the introduction of sec-
ular topics on Sunday. On working-days we talked poli-
tics, in which the clergyman, like most of his class, tookNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
73
great interest, especially when of an exciting and bellig-
erent character. We don’t mention this invidiously. On
the contrary, we liked him for it. Once we knew a cler-
gyman who, during the Mexican war, would get unusu-
ally enthusiastic about feats of individual heroism and
throat-cutting—as why should n’t he ? It was human.
We recollect a lady-boarder who—being comparatively
unacquainted with the rigorous piety of the Establish-
ment—gave great offense by playing upon the piano on
Sunday; as did her husband by reading the Herald, which
paper was an abomination in the eyes of the landlady.
So much so, indeed, that upon its accidental appearance
on the breakfast-table one morning, Mrs.-------started
up with horror and astonishment depicted on her coun-
tenance, seized the obnoxious sheet, rushed to the stove
and, in a frenzy of religious zeal, committed it to the
flames. This little incident, in conjunction with others,
probably accelerated the removal of that couple from the
“ Serious” Boarding-House, for they left soon afterwards.
Our landlady’s “ trials”—she so denominated all matters
not in accordance with her wishes—were far more severe
in conjunction with another boarder. Like the serpent
of old, he entered into this Presbyterian Eden but to
blight and destroy. He was a reporter to a daily news-
paper. His behavior, while domiciled in the u Serious” Es-
tablishment, is fearful to think of. He whistled godless
negro melodies while going up stairs, rang the ugly ser-
vant-girl up at unholy hours of the night and morning,
and once effected a nocturnal, burglar-like entrance
basement window. He smoked short pipes in bed, droppRl
play-bills in the parlors, asked mild-young-men-boarders
out to take drinks, and—horrible to relate—seduced one
of them into a Model Artist exhibition. He affected a
passion for the malignantly-orthodox female, cut jokes on
4n
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
the cap of the landlady’s mother, and invited both ladies
to accompany him to Christy’s. He proclaimed his adhe-
sion to the Mormon faith, and made jocular attempts to
convert the heavy gentleman. And, finally, he devoted
his energies to the perversion of the rising generation.
We don’t think he had much success with the Prodigy.
That immaculate youth stood poised on too high a pin-
nacle of conscious virtue to be knocked off by mortal aim.
But with the others—the boy and the girl—he sped but
too well. Discovering that they were unacquainted with
the institution of pocket-money, he tempted them, by
presents of small coins, to the utterance of awfuFwords.
The bony-legged boy did, in consideration of the sum of
fifty cents—he refused two shillings, "with the additional
bonus of a large apple, as too little—actually thrust his
head into a room where three ladies sat, and utter, in aNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
75
small, sepulchral, but perfectly distinct voice, a fearful
anathema consigning them to eternal perdition.
He did n’t appear next morning. Nor did his preceptor,
for that night he put a climax to his atrocities by bringing
home one of the mild-young-men-boarders in—as the
landlady declared—a dreadful state, in which he was sub-
sequently discovered on the door-mat. The tempter at
once received instant and severe notice to quit. The
fallen youth was confined to his room for a week, by his
father, who took his dinners up to him, and—it was darkly
whispered—administered paternal chastisement regularly,
every night and morning, immediately after family pray er.
We can depose to the boy’s howling dismally at those
periods, and that, when reinstated at the Boarding-House
table, he looked remarkably sheepish.CHAPTER IX.
THE THEATRICAL BOARDING-HOUSE.
the best of our
belief, this Estab-
lishment—the de-
tails and domestic
economy of which
were unique in
their way—-is ex-
tinct, we therefore
speak of it in the
past tense.
Like the Cheap
Boarding - House
on a large scale, described in Chapter Four, it consisted
of two tenements, which, in this case, formed brick-and~
mortar units in a street diverging eastward from Broad-
way, not far from the theater of that name. Whether
influenced by the location, a predilection on the part of
the landlady for the profession, the gregarious habits of
the class, or the three reasons combined, the majority of
the boarders were actors.
It was conducted on what might be termed providential
principles. Receiving the scriptural injunction of “takeNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
no thought for to-morrow” in a literal sense, its mistress, a
stout, unctuously-smiling widow, of Irish extraction, de-
voutly obeyed it. Every thing was done by shifts and
expedients. “ Chance governed all,” as in Milton’s Chaos.
You enjoyed the pleasing uncertainties of alternate hunger
and plenty, as in savage life, with the additional advan-
tages of social intercourse of a novel and entertaining
character. There were no regular meal hours. A newly-
caught boarder, of sanguine disposition, might, it is true,
place credence in a mild superstition attaching gastro-
nomic importance to certain periods of the day, but this
faith—touching in its very simplicity—never outlasted a
week. Two rendered him a confirmed infidel as to all
order whatever. He either cfos-aecommodated himself
into harmony with the mis-rule around—or left. We
were young, and the place had its attractions. We were
poor, also, and it was n’t dear. For nearly six months
we lived in that Theatrical Boarding-House.
* Generally, one’s earliest experience was in connection
with the subject of loans. As surely as rapidly, you
glided into the anomalous and unnatural position of cred-
itor to your landlady. She borrowed five or ten dollars
of you on the day subsequent to your arrival, and hence-
forth you vainly struggled against destiny. In the lan-
guage of appeals to a charitable public, “the smallest
contributions were thankfully received.” Solicitations
for “ quarters,” shillings, sixpences, beset you; sometimes
through the medium of a faded female, half-servant, half-
boarder, oftener that of the landlady’s daughter, a shrill
and objectionable girl in pantalettes, whose hair curled
the wrong way, who wTas horribly inquisitive, never closed
doors, and appeared subject to a mysterious disease
denominated uthe Mumps,’’-/which necessitated the per-
petual bandaging of her head in dirty handkerchiefs.78
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Like Poe’s Raven, she would
come “ tapping, tapping at
one’s chamber-door,” with
the words “ Mother says
-----” prefacing the inevi-
table message. We have
sat full half-an-hour waiting
breakfast while this was in
operation elsewhere in order
to raise money for the pur-
Payments to the butcher partook of the general irregu-
larity of the Establishment, wherefore he, not unffc-
quently, waxed wroth, and supplied meat of dubious
quality, or none at all. Entering at night by means of
the area gate (for less than twenty minutes’ pulling at
the street-door bell was never known to procure admis-
sion) we have discovered injured tradesfolk sitting
gloomily in back kitchens. There they would remain for
hours, lying in wait for our landlady, she having unac-
countably vanished, while the servants plied hither and
thither among the boarders, for the wherewithal to exor-
cise them. These girls’ wages, too, were awfully in arrear.
The amount of lying, dodgery, and pretense put into op-
eration (never however effectually) in order to screen
the system—or rather want of it—must have been pro-
digious.
The supply of linen being scant, the advent of a new
boarder was invariably marked by a, foray into others’
chambers, in order to furnish forth the required comple-
ment of bed-furniture for the stranger. Here a pillow
would be surreptitiously confiscated, there a blanket, else-
where a coverlid. It was bitter winter weather, and loud
and dire were the complaints of the victimized on the fol-NEW YORK BOARDING-IIORSES.
79
lowing morning, when “ the stupidity of them girls”
formed the staple excuse. Time, however, had taught Us
the wisdom of the serpent. We, noting'any deficiency of
hed-gear, made raids on our own account, replacing-from
the couches of others those articles of which ours had
been deprived. Necessity must palliate, if not justify
the act. Often have we lain and listened to the anath-
emas of some temporary neighbor on the unknown ab-
stractor.
Our meals—taken in a sort of white-washed school-room
of limited dimensions in the rear of the premises—were
mostly of a carnivorous description, from which circum-
stance wTe infer that the pie-venders of that vicinity are
inexorably opposed to the credit system. Occasionally
dinner was totally ignored. No bell’s harmonious discord
sounded the tocsin of appetite. Hungry and exasperate
boarders would assemble in dismal conclave, sit until ex-
pectancy palled into despair, then wrathfully disappear—
the sterner spirits being, sometimes, partially mollified by
homeopathic relays of steak. On such crises Mrs.-----
would be invisible. Our impression is that she locked
herself in a subterranean cupboard or closet till the evil
hour had passed.
But, as we have said, the Establishment had its plea-
santer aspects. Shifty and incongruous as its arrange-
ments were, the very absence of all order imparted a
piquant zest to existence within its walls, appealing, as it
did, to the vagabond side of human nature. If one day’s
dinner were omitted, to-morrow’s plenty effaced all ireful
recollection of it. And during intervals of cash or credit,
you were never too late or too early for a meal’. It was a
true Liberty Hall, if ever such existed, and Rabelais’ in-
scription over the gate of the Abbey of Theleme, “ Ho
•what thou wilt,” might have been written on its portal.80
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Where else, we ask, should we have been allowed to sit
wrapped up in blankets and bed-clothes on deathly cold
winter nights, while scribbling a comic story on the edge
of the washing-stand ? Where, subsequently, to insert a
small stove within the thirteen-inch space between our
bed-foot and the wall, to extemporize a hole for the stove-
pipe with a rusty knife and hammer; and finally, to char the
bed-post to the extent and blackness which we assuredly
did. The Theatrical Boarding-House had its advantages.
You could send out for beer at any seasonable or unsea-
sonable hour. You could call fellow-boarders by their
nick-names, cut jokes and fraternize with everybody. We
like actors. And in spite of all the charges which from Le
Sage’s day to the present have been brought against them,
the world likes them, and will continue to do so. They
generally have that practical wisdom which disposes to
look on the cheery side of things. At our Boarding-
House they punned, laughed, talked slangy and stagy,
drank ale or champagne with equal good humor, and got
up the j oiliest of supplementary suppers.
Of one of these entertainments (given by the husband
of a tragedienne during his temporary bachelorhood con-
sequent on her absence while fulfilling a professional en-
gagement at another city), we have a lively recollection.
It was a good notion of a supper—a hare, chickens, oysters
and champagne; whist, poker, piano-forte-playiug, and
singing to follow. Speeches were made also, which, as
the hours drew on, increased in eloquence and pathos.
We remember one gentleman pledging his honor that his
wife would die, if desired, for the behoof of any friend he
might mention. Another was moved to shed tears copi-
ously during a burst of confidence on the subject of his
early years. Choruses, too, were sung, some being of
an abnormal, and even gymnastic character, as witnessNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
81
the following. The vocalist, suiting action to words,
commenced:
“ One finger and thumb keep moving—
Keep moving—
To drive dull Care away!”
Others joining in with voice and gesture on a repetition
of the lines, the exhortation increased in its demands,
“ two fingers and thumbs” being next in requisition, and
so on, until finally, at the words.
“ Two arms and two legs keep moving!”
all present were jumping up and down in an energetically
ludicrous manner only conceivable in insane Shaking
Quakers. As this occurred at something like 2 a. m.,
certain boarders overhead and below were unreasonable
enough to remonstrate, but our landlady’s company having82
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
sanctioned the festivities during the earlier part of the
evening, such complaints were treated with merited de-
rision. We have hut an indistinct idea at what hour the
party broke up, having quitted it at 6 a. m., leaving cards
predominant.
It was pre-eminently a masculine Establishment, and
appeared the more so, as the few lady-boarders generally
preferred taking their meals within the sanctity of their
own apartments. They, however, sometimes congregated
on wintry afternoons in a gloomy old parlor appertaining
to the larger and duller of the houses, where we once
surprised a select party of three engaged in the consump-
tion of cigars and hot brandy and w^ater. One of these, the
proprietress of a rather prettyish face and a large-headed
child (which latter article was periodically brought to see
her), had a room immediately adjoining ours; and for
some time we were in error as to the sex of the occupant,
being misled by her proficiency in the art of whistling.
Our undeception only occurred upon tapping at her door
for the purpose of re-igniting a lamp, which we had
knocked over and extinguished among the bed-clothes.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
83
At a later period, when a slight intimacy had sprung up?
she occasionally borrowed our boots on rainy evenings to
walk to the theater in, receiving with great good humor
any playful allusions to the (presumably) lovely limbs
they were honored by encasing—and once telling us to
come round to Burton’s as she “ played a leg-part.” On
our return from that place of popular entertainment, she
was very anxious to learn “ how she looked from the par-
quette,” and “ whether we heard her distinctly.” She
had but three lines and a monosyllable to utter during the
entire performance !
But, unquestionably, the lioness of the place was the
tragedienne before alluded to. She was a handsome, jolly
woman, with a deep, rich voice, and would ask you how
you did, or make an observation about fhe weather in
such heart-felt, cordial tones as imparted quite a glow to
the recipient. She had a will of her own, too, and it was
popularly supposed that her husband (who played walking
gentleman, and was some years her junior) knew it. She
was, also, a little jealous of him—not without reason.
We fancy he had an equal attachment to champagne and
to his wife, and it was said the lady herself had a penchant
for the former. With two anecdotes in which she figures,
the present chapter may fitly conclude.
There was a hard-headed and generally obnoxious
Scotch boarder, who, to some originally disagreeable
characteristics, added the one of occasional intoxication;
when he was prone to discourse about John Knox and
the “ Froe Kirk” of his country. The actors used to
“ sell” him by challenging his admiration for imaginary
passages in non-existent novels by Walter Scott; and to
excite his anger by pretending to mistake him for an
Irishman; as also by addressing him as Mac* Wuggles,
Mac Scratcher, Mac Grits, Mac Turn ’emup, and similar84
THE PHYSIOLOGY .OF
titles. Now he, coming home one night from an adjacent
bar-room, and availing himself of the opening of the street-
door by the servant of our tragedienne (whether impelled
by antecedent whisky-skins or his natural obtuseness, we
know not), followed the girl up-stairs to her lady’s apart-
ment ; apologizing for his presence, when questioned, by
a muttered reference to his ordinary theological topic.
Mrs.------, not considering this satisfactory, shrieked for
her husband, who, like his wife, was in undress, and leaping
up at the summons pursued the invader to our chamber
door, where overtaking him, he, with his lady’s assistance,
administered severe listical chastisement. Upon our issu-
ing forth, lamp in hand, an eminently dramatic tableau
was visible. The howling Caledonian, with the sanguine
stream of life gushing from his nose, and his countenance
further ornamented by feminine talons, lay writhing in the
grasp of the infuriate actor, whose left whisker he was
holding on to in a peculiarly painful manner, while aboveNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
85
and around hovered a Lady Macbeth-like figure, awful in
white flannel. Other boarders appearing, a separation
was effected, and the Scotchman persuaded to go down
stairs, where he armed himself with a carving-knife, swore
revenge on every body, very nearly assassinated the land-
lady who repaired to him with pacific intentions, and
finally went to sleep with his head in a coal-scuttle. But
“ with the morning calm reflection cameby dinner-time
the three had exchanged apologies, shaken hands, and de-
spite the victim’s discolored eyes, swollen nose, and face
scarified a la gridiron, were hob-nobbing one with the
other most cordially—an edifying and Christian spectacle.
Our remaining anecdote is trite, but has a spice of the
ridiculous which may justify its narration. A brother
actor of our tragedienne's husband having borrowed a
pair of nether habiliments from him for “ light comedy”
purposes, was, by the lady, encountered in the passage
and ordered back to his apartment, there to immediately
disendue himself of them, she not approving of the loan.
And the voice which we had over-night heard in Juliet’s
love-impassioned speech was exalted in wrath, even to let-
ting dwellers on the upper floors know that “ Bill------
should n’t have them pants—they had been purchased
with her money, and she’d burn ’em ere his request
should be granted !”CHAPTER X.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHEREIN “ SPIRITUALISM” BECOMES
PREDOMINANT.
HANDSOME up-town edifice
within five minutes’ walk of
Fifth Avenue, and of such
heighth that scaling its
staircase (midway up which
a foggy aroma of dinners
always hovers) is involunta-
rily suggestive of Jacob’s
ladder. In outward appear-
ance it is aristocratic, in in-
ner arrangements unexcep-
tionable, its dinner-hour
fashionably late. In no par-
ticular, therefore, would it
differ from many similar Establishments, but for the pecu-
liarities of its inmates, which fairly entitle it to a place in
our Physiology.
The reader, if a New Yorker, has doubtless often no-
ticed in Broadway the tall, spare figure of an elderly gen-
tleman attired in a suit of black of the cut and fashion
of the past century. Who has not turned to gaze on that
venerable-looking person? on the long, gray hair strag-NEW YOEK BOA II DING-HOUSES.
gling over his shoulders and back; on the three-cornered
cocked-hat, the breeches and knee-buckles of ’76? Such
an aspect might have graced the council-board of William
Penn or the Pilgrim Fathers. That, reader, is the Doctor,
and he being the arch-priest and grand exponent of Spir-
itualism at the house of which we speak, it becomes
necessary to pay our respects to him.
Were he to write his auto-biography (as we trust lie
will, some day), it would doubtless prove a deeply inter-
esting volume. Far be it from our hasty pen to anticipate
such a task, or to risk the displeasure of a conscientious
seeker after truth by the attempt. Yet we have heard
that in his pursuit of that celestial maid, he, in common
with other of her admirers, has occasionally got garroted
by certain of the pestilent heresies which are wont to as-
sume her likeness—sometimes releasing himself with ex-
treme difficulty. Enough of that. Suffice it to say, that
after considerable theological experience—rivaling, in-
deed, that of Orestes Brownson, though starting from the
very point at which he has rested—the Doctor now enjoys
a lucrative medical practice, believes strongly in the
Maine Law, and is equally ardent in his advocacy of Spir-
itualism. We have been told of singular and startling
phenomena as the immediate agents in producing his
conversion to the latter—how the spirit of a defunct rela-
tive not only shook, slapped, pinched, and tweaked the
Doctor nocturnally, but was accustomed to lift him from
his bed and treat him to rides round the room (how he
looked during the operation let our artist’s pencil por-
tray), always finally restoring him to his resting-place, and
considerately tucking him up—how, desirous of accommo-
dating himself to these celestial visitations, he studied
music, and learned to play upon the guitar and harm on -
icon—with much more of retrospective matter which we88
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
dismiss as irrelevant—turning at once to the Boarding-
House, and his proselytizing therein.
Within the Establishment are many lady-boarders of
Eastern origin, who, though past the age of girlhood, have
retained the simplicity of heart and trustfulness of nature
proper to the morning of life. How from Eve’s time
downwards the sex has exhibited a penchant for knowl-
edge, even when acquired at the risk of danger; and it
would seem that the minds of old maids are, from the
fact of so much of their nature lying, as it were, fallow,
peculiarly subject to become the recipients of such stray
tares as, sown broadcast by imposition and credulity, are
producing every day such plentiful crops of misery and
insanity. Any way our Doctor (whom, of course, we ac-
quit of disingenuity) experienced great success in his ad-
vocacy of Spiritualism among the lady-boarders.
In the first place, Physiological classes were formed, and
the Doctor commenced a series of lectures on Anatomy—
which, however, came to a sudden termination in conse-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
89
quence of the uncalled-for squeamishness of all but one
of the virgin auditory. These being abandoned, the dis-
covery of “ Mediums,” formation of “ Circles,” and procur-
ing of “ Manifestations,” became the order of the day—or
rather evening, for at such time, after the labors of the
day, did the Doctor vouchsafe to act as spiritual hiero-
phant. Here every thing progressed admirably. Little
supernatural soirees were got up, and the ladies had the
satisfaction of being astonished, frightened, and mystified
in the most delightful manner. Nothing could be pleas-
anter—but, unfortunately, there existed among the in-
mates of the establishment one or two skeptics of the
sterner sex, and especially one individual whom we shall
designate as the Incredulous Boarder.
He was the Doctor’s moral antipodes in every thing,
appearance, characteristics, and opinions. The former
never had his hair cut, and shaved only his upper lip; the
latter was bald, and scrupulously-razored, with the excep-
tion of a moustache. The former attired himself in a style
particularly calculated to attract notice; the latter’s cos-
tume was simple and unpretentious. The former pos-
sessed unlimited faith in the supernatural, the latter
unbounded skepticism. Being, therefore, of such radically
opposite natures, how could they fail to antagonize ?
The Doctor denounced his adversary as a rhinoceros-
hided infidel, and furthermore informed him that he was
possessed by Seven Devils. It might have been this bale-
ful influence which impelled him to devote himself to the
production of utter confusion and dismay in the ranks of
the faithful—to assail the Doctor’s opinions on all subjects
—to charge the reverend person with profaning the Sab-
bath by the performance of raises, polkas, and the like
secular compositions—to speak of the Maine Law with
derision, of Spiritualism as humbug—and finally to char-90
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
acterize its professors as ghostly Peter Funks. These
abominable opinions he would express on all possible oc-
casions.
Great, therefore, was the exultation, when, one evening,
a whisper passed round that the Incredulous One had ex-
perienced a softening of the heart, and petitioned to be
allowed to make one in a“ Circle.” In the hope of his
conversion it was granted, though the Doctor retired to
Ills room in dudgeon, as mistrusting the sincerity of the
neophyte. Notwithstanding which, remarkable and un-
exampled success followed. Tabular gyrations and knock-
ings occurred almost immediately, and presently, after
performing a spiritual SchottiscJie, zig-zagging in a very
startling manner into corners, and once descending heav-
ily on the corns of a male believer, the supernaturally-
stirred mahogany penned one of the ladies in a comer, and
nearly cut her in twain, against the wall. This was natu-
rally regarded as a great triumph, and the Doctor de-
scended to share it. His presence apparently induced
greater manifestations from the spirit-world. The fire-
irons rattled, and groans were heard as proceeding from
the heart of the chandelier. In compliance with the gen-
eral request, the Doctor mounted a chair for the purpose
of investigation. Solemnly, and at regular intervals, the
lugubrious sounds were repeated. Questions were put
and responded to—by groans. It was unanimously con-
cluded that some unhappy spirit was present, but unable,
from unexplained circumstances, to definitely communi-
cate his sorrows. And thus to the awe and satisfaction
of the community, the proceedings of the evening termi-
nated.
Nor was the faith of believers shaken by the assertions
of the still Incredulous Boarder, on the following morning
—that he, and he alone, contrived to produce the move-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
91
ments of the table, and that a little inquiry had reduced
the groaning spirit to the simple origin of a loose plank in
the flooring overhead, upon which a girl chanced to be
seated in a rocking-chair, while nursing a baby. He was
considered a ribald outcast from truth, one given over to
unbelief, a conscious blasphemer of the mysteries of Spirit-
ualism ! The ladies held fast to their faith, and the skirts
of the Doctor. Far be it from us to desire to dislodge
them!
We have recently heard that he is organizing Spiritual
Dancing-classes.CHAPTER XI.
THE MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE.
JEAN Boarding-Houses, like
mean people, are, unfor-
tunately, not uncommon
or peculiar to any rank
or locality. We have
already had occasion to
speak of one Establish-
ment in which a stratum
of aristocratic .pretense
overlays this character-
istic, we now turn to an-
other in humbler life.
It is a clean-looking
frame building, in a quiet-
ish street, some twenty minutes’ walk from Chatham
Square, and midway between East Broadway and the
river. If the broken and puddley sidewalks of the vicin-
ity had been especially sown with an intention of produc-
ing a crop of old barrels, boxes, disabled kettles and con-
tused saucepans, they could not be more plentiful. There
are more private dwellings than shops, one or two Dutch
or Irish grocery stores, a disused pump, a few street-lamps,
and some trees. Our Boarding-House is a corner one,NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
93
standing some little distance to the rear of the street-
front. You reach its stoop by an ascent of half a dozen
wooden steps.
Its landlady claims England as the land of her nativity,
in defiance of the richest of brogues and most Milesian
of appellations. She is a widow, with three daughters.
The eldest has a husband, the second expects to obtain
one, and the third is a girl of eight. Between the two
latter a species of guerilla warfare unceasingly rages, the
grown-up young lady having apparently made up her
mind to regard her sister’s existence as a personal insult,
which conviction she expresses through the medium of
slaps, and stray epithets, on all possible occasions; while
the younger revenges herself by trying on her oppressor’s
bonnets, and indulging in fugitive performances on the
piano, which generally terminate in a grand finale of
screams and spankings.
The old lady, her mother (she owns to five-and-fifty,
and her wig is innocent of all deception) has West Indian
antecedents, and talks much of “ Jamaiky,” in connection
with her late husband. According to her representations
he was a species of marital phoenix—never known to
swear, to smoke, to partake of any stronger liquor than
ginger-beer, or to find fault with his meals. (She is par-
ticular in dwelling on this last point for the benefit of
boarders.) There is extant a book of travels in Ireland,
containing marginal notes in the hand-writing of the de-
funct, which denounce its author as u a meen man,” and
inform you that “ he tells lice” when not eulogistic of the
country. We infer that the commentator was a patriotic,
but imperfectly-educated Irishman.
His relict has been one and the mistress of her Estab-
lishment for eight years. She frequently alludes to the
“ novelty” of her employment, by way of indirectly apolo-94
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
gizing for all deficiencies. There are plenty of them. It
is, emphatically, a Mean Boarding-House.
If we knew any body with an unappeasable appetite
for salt fish and sheep’s liver, we would give him Mrs. .
-----’s address. Those dainties always predominate at her
table. They formed the staple meal at least thrice a week,
and underwent no end of revivification—if we may be
allowed the expression in connection with cookery. A
piscine odor permeated the entire Establishment—the very
window-curtains smelt of it. It was a singular and beau-
tiful study to observe the many transformations a single
dish endured. In the breakfast steak of to-day you might
recognize the corned beef of yesterday’s dinner, and rea-
sonably anticipate encountering it in to-morrow’s meat-
pie, and the next day’s hash. We got to dating from the
advent of certain portions of animal food—reckoning upon
our fingers the lapse of days by them.
All meats—whether pork, veal, mutton, or beef—are, in
a double sense, exceedingly rare in the Mean Boarding-
House—probably being served up in that state that the
difficulties of mastication may prevent any considerable
consumption; not to hint at the desirability of punishing
with indigestion and nightmare such brutal boarders
whose appetites will not be deterred. The joints always
present fine anatomical displays of bone, and great diffi-
culties to the carver. But joints are of seldom occurrence.
Liver and salt fish predominate. And—for a treat—an
occasional bullock’s-heart on Sunday.
The vegetables are worthy of notice. Potatoes tasting
like something between yellow soap and bad artichokes,
carrots out of which all flavor has been boiled, and large,
rank, greasy cabbages. (There is always a suggestion of
these latter, by-the-bye, flavoring the piscine odor before
alluded to.) Mrs.------prides herself on her pastry. It
*N E W YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
95
is of solid construction, and damp, putty-like material.
We should suppose that dripping, saleratus, and potato-
starch enter largely into the ingredients. With the
home-made bread—produced as a luxury—it partakes of
a highly dyspeptic character. The tea is so weak that
you would n’t suppose it had strength to drown a fly, or
dissolve sugar. The coffee tastes of horse-beans, and is
invariably concocted over night (why, we know not) being
re-warmed for the morning’s consumption.
Mrs.------dispenses these delicacies to her boarders in
person, with much indirect discourse as to the superiority
of “ good, plain living,” over “ kickshaws,” and many
reminiscences of her husband’s culinary predilections. It
invariably happens that he would have preferred the meal
in progress to all others. Besides being a marital phoenix,
he is a defunct Mrs. Harris, to be invoked on all possible
occasions.
The economy observable in dietary arrangements, is
also carried out in other matters. The scanty stair-carpet
—confined to its place by a limited allowance of rods—
dwindles into shabby drugget on turning the first land-
ing-place, and disappears altogether at the second story.
Cheap calico window-curtains—on which are landscapes of
gorgeous colors, but more than Chinese contempt for per-
spective—supply the place of sun-blinds. And the various
chambers have but little other furniture than beds, wash-
ing-stands, and little mirrors, chairs being infrequent.
Our apartment contained but half a window, an unpainted
pine-partition separating it from the adjoining room, and
dividing the casement equally between them. It was,
too, rather a screen than partition, as it did not reach the
ceiling by two feet, which afforded opportunity for inter-
change of small courtesies, such as brushes, matches, etc.,
with our neighbor. (On one occasion he smashed our96
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
looking-glass with an injudiciously thrown blacking-box.)
Our bedstead, also, did not possess its full complement of
dats or cross-pieces, and we tumbled through—twice a
night on the average—until we contrived extemporaneous
repairs with an old drawing-board, and fragmentary easel.
The boarders at the time of our sojourn, were about
twelve in number, the sexes being pretty equally repre-
sented. We will briefly enumerate them. A married
Tipperarian, who had greatly distinguished himself in the
Smith O’Brien campaign of ’48, by demolishing a drum
with the British arms upon it; and was, in consequence,
greatly beloved by his compatriots. A widow, with two
daughters, the elder acknowledging to a husband in Cali-
fornia, but refusing to recognize him in a hairy and intoxi-
cated individual, who, one night, attempted to force an
entrance into the house, and demanded speech with
“ Betsy'.” An ex-sailor, temporarily reduced—or advanced
—to the position of a policeman, addicted to interlardingN E W YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
97
his speech with proverbs, and to going to sleep on duty,
in which condition he once had his star stolen from him.
His wife and children. A red-haired dry-goods clerk,
who found favor in the eyes of the landlady’s daughter,
and propitiated the mother, and married sister by presents
of ribbons. A hatter, an attorney’s clerk, and a japanner
or dealer in ornamental furniture, complete the list. The
last-mentioned individual was our neighbor, on the other
side of the partition, and had a shop in the vicinity.
Combining the foregoing particulars of board and
boarders, our reader’s fancy will easily supply the detail
of existence within the w^alls of the Mean Boarding-
House. Our landlady had but one characteristic in addi-
tion to those already chronicled. She generally vanished
immediately after dinner, and did not turn up till supper-
time, when she always groaned a good deal, and, in re-
sponse to the inquiries of lady-boarders, said she “ felt bet-
ter.” The Tipperarian declared, privately, that she was
in the habit of “ mugging herself” with spirits; going to
bed with her clothes on, and a black-bottle, for that
|)urpose.
Our sojourn would scarcely have been a protracted one
under any circumstances, but was 'brought to a speedier
close than we had anticipated. A few weeks’ residence
in any Boarding-House generally reveals to the observer
a strong under-current of slander, in which more or less
of the inhabitants love to dabble privately, sprinkling each
other’s characters as with diabolic benediction. (Had we
cared to descant on the topic we might have added a con-
siderable addendum, especially treating of it, to each
chapter.) In the Mean Establishment, this amiable weak-
ness flourished in great force, and presently blossomed
into results. The landlady’s daughter didn’t like the
policeman, considering his calling low / and the California
5dS
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
widow objected to liis wife, accusing her of smuggling
bottles of Charles’s Cordial Gin into the house, and, what
was worse, not inviting other ladies to partake of them.
The attorney’s clerk—an every-way unpleasant individual,
and the “funny man” of the house—originated floating
libels to the effect that the japanner’s wardrobe consisted
of but one shirt, two dickeys, one pair of socks and a
collar, and that he washed ’em himself, and dried them
by suspension from his chamber window. The dry-goods
man privately solicited attention to the hatter’s appetite,
and was sure that the husband of the landlady’s married
daughter didn’t talk so much with the California widow
for nothing. Finally rows took place at table, boarder
squabbling with boarder and with the authorities.
The ex-sailor, provoked by the undisguised scorn of the
landlady’s daughter, publicly informed every body that
there was a blamed sight more Boarding-Houses than
parish-churches in New York, and that he didn’t care a
rotten piece of junk for the whole bilin’ of ’em, subse-
quently offering to fight the landlady’s son-in-law (which
was declined). He then left with his family. The japanner
followed, and his departure subsequently influenced ours.
We did not join in the general chorus of depreciation
which pursued our late neighbor, and in consequence were
looked upon as one disaffected to the ruling powers, and
persecuted accordingly. Our being “ at home” was denied
to visitors, our letters were refused, or performed quaran-
tine in the landlady’s pocket before reaching us, private
intimations of “ dinner’s ready” were given to other
boarders in advance of the bell (in order that we might
arrive at a disadvantage), an especially uncomfortable
chair with a caving-in seat and rickety back was assigned
to us, our plate, knife and fork were violently hurled at
us, our ewer was unfilled, our towel removed, our soapN E W YORK UOAEDING-H O USES,
99
sequestered. Finally we were talked at, over the dinner
table. JVe left, and making common cause with the
japanner determined on “ humors of revenge.”
A neatly-worded advertisement to the effect that Mrs.
----was desirous of accommodating Irish and German
families with board at the rate of $1.50 per head, weekly,
jiresently appeared in the leading daily papers. Emigra-
tion was in full vigor, and plenty of applicants responded
to the invitation, the average being—as we were informed
by the policeman, whose beat lay in that quarter (and
who took a fiendish pleasure in directing inquirers to
Mrs.-----’s) about'ten families, daily. Some came with
bag and baggage, and were slow to admit the possibility
of a hoax, attempting to effect lodgments in the passage,
and claiming the proprietress as their country-woman.
There was, also, much difficulty in explaining the matter
to the Germans in consequence of their general ignorance
of the English language.
The landlady made her son-in-law write ungrammatical!y-
indignant letters to the papers denouncing the authors of
the advertisement as malignant and evil-disposed ex-
boarders. But the series of events were not destined to
end thus quietly. The Tipperarian fell into disfavor, being
suspected of intimacy with the conspirators. He was
therefore not only subjected to a series of petty persecu-
tions similar to those which had effected our removal, but
an additional one was originated for his especial annoy-
ance. Knowing that he went to bed early, the attorney’s
clerk stimulated other male boarders to the nocturnal
performance of negro choruses, interspersed with howls,
under his window, at the back of the house. On the
second of these charivari the wrathful Celt descended in
great fury and undress, made so fierce an attack on the
party that he utterly routed them, pursued the landlady’s100
TII E PHYSIOLOGY OF
son-in-law into the street, and for the space of several
blocks, finally giving him in charge of our friend the po-
liceman and ex-boarder, who promptly conveyed him to the
station-house. Next morning, as might be expected, the
Tipperarian received notice to quit. Before doing so,
however, he, learning from his wife that another musical
entertainment—and one of some pretensions—was pro-
jected on a particular evening, resolved on an attempt at
reciprocity.
With this view (after making arrangements for his wife’s
removal), he engaged three barrel-organs, a trombone, and
five drums; laid in a supply of whisky, tobacco and
sausages; and perpetrated the most unique soiree musi-
cale we ever had the pleasure of attending. The com-
pany were mainly Irishmen, but included one German (to
play the trombone), and the japanner(who took a drum).
All arrived at 8 p. m.—much about the time that the more
genteel party assembled below—and until the notes of a
harp and violin gave the signal, quiet was observed, broken
by the performance of a grand overture by the entire
strength of the company (with the exception of one big
drum which, proving too large to be got through the
doorway, had been burst in the endeavor). We despair
of conveying to our readers any idea of the effect. With
the exception of the German, no performer had the
slightest practical knowledge of music. The barrel organs
went off at different tunes, the four impromptu drummers
attempted a demoniac reveille, and the German played
any thing he pleased—all uniting in one common sentiment ,
that of endeavoring to make as much noise as possible. A
pause for refreshment, in the shape of pipes and whisky,
encouraged the opposition to a feeble attempt at rivalry
with a guitar and flute—our drums soon silenced it. The
subsequent performance of “ Ben Bolt” (that melody wasNEW Y *0 EK BOARDING-HOUSES.
101
just then at the height of its popularity), by the combined
aids of one barrel-organ, the trombone, and an extempo-
raneous accompaniment formed by shaking cents together
in a washing-basin, was voted less effective, and the drums
insisted on coming into play again. Ten minutes more
produced an envoy from below, in the shape of the attor-
ney’s clerk, who, looking very pale and excited—but got-
up, with respect to costume generally, and shirt-collar in
particular, in a gorgeous manner—wished to know (with
Mrs.------’s compliments) “ the meaning of all this.” The
Tipperarian replied by explaining that “ a little music”
was in progress, and proffered hospitality, in the shape of
a pipe, sausages, and whisky. Rejecting these with ireful
dignity, the envoy waxed wroth, and stimulated by the
consciousness that the company below were listening to
the colloquy, began to talk loudly and fiercely. In all
probability a fight would have ensued, but for an unlooked-
for accident which very nearly induced a tragic termina-
tion to the absurdities of the night.102
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
In the excitement incidental to the occasion, the oppo-
sition party had quitted their room for the stair-case, or
crowded about the doorway, thus establishing a thorough
draught of air from the open window, which wafted the
light gauzy curtain to a recently-ignited lamp. It was on
fire in a moment. The alarm was given, women screamed,
men swore, fire-bells tolled, engines arrived and a posse of
red shirts and a dense mob blockaded the streets, as the
Tipperarian was lugged off by the police—his guests es-
caping in the confusion.
* * * * * % *
He was fined ten dollars next day, and discharged from
custody. We received an industriously greased and ill-
spelt challenge from the attorney’s clerk for our presumed
participation in the concert, and disgusted him exceedingly
by an expression of readiness for a pugilistic encounter—
which, however, never came off. And since then we have
heard nothing of the Mean Boarding-House, or of its
occupants. Nor are we particularly desirous of informa-
tion.CHAPTER XII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THERE ARE MARRIAGEABLE
DAUGHTERSo
HIS Establish-
ment has some
few character-
istics akin to
those detailed
in connection
with the aris-
tocratic one
described in
Chapter Five,
yet as it is
every way a
broader and
stronger type
of a very numerous class, we at once recognize its claims
to a place in our Physiology.
It is situate in a street north of Canal (no matter for
its name)—one of those which intersect Broadway, the
blocks adjacent to which are more stylishly built than
those farther on, where they degenerate into very com-
mon-place and mean-looking tenements. Our present
Boarding-House stands on debatable ground, between the
junction of these extremes, and is a plain brick building,104
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OP
which might be rendered brighter and cleaner-looking by
an application of the paint-brush. Mrs. ----- has occu-
pied it for twenty years—since the death of her second
husband.
She is a large woman, with a full face, a hooky nose,
and speculative eye, like a Jewish version of Mrs. Trol-
lope’s Widow Barnaby. Her
nose, indeed, is in such undesir-
able propinquity to her chin as to
set one involuntarily cogitating
whether her defunct husbands
ever kissed her, and if so, how they
managed it. She generally ap-
pears in a hideous, copperas-color-
ed gown, without any thing white
about her neck, and a black wig.
In conversation she is chatty and obsequious—especially if
you are an eligible young man in search of board. Single
lodgers preponderate in her Establishment, of which her
daughters constitute the main feature and attraction.
These young ladies are three in number, of the respect-
ive ages of thirty, twenty-five, and sixteen, the elder
being the result of the first marriage. All three appear
excessively affable, amiable and approachable, and it is
your own fault if they do not speedily become affectionate
also. As they have not the finesse and dashing assump-
tion of patrician breeding characterizing the ladies of
the Aristocratic Boarding-House Where you Don’t get
enough to Eat, they make bolder advances, and play a
coarser game generally. Like them, however, each has
her peculiar role, and though quite a penny role in com-
parison with those of the brilliant misses described in
Chapter Five, contrives to carry it out with that vigor of
which only a woman in quest of a husband is capable.NEW YORK BO ARDING-HOUSES. 3 05
Admitted into what Mrs.-----terms their “ pleasant
social circle,” you are, in the phrase of Inspector Bucket
of Bleak House, “ reckoned up” in a twinkling, and, ac-
cording to your idiosyncracy, made over as a lawful waif
and stray to one of the three young ladies. They may he
thus discriminated. No. 1. Poetic and strong-minded,
the last quality subject to modification according to the
humor of the destined victim. No. 2. Religious. No. 3.
Gushing and exuberant. One would suppose that each of
them had studied Phrenology at our friends Fowler and
Wells’, and there formed different estimates of the thick-
ness of the masculine skull over various organs ; No. 1 de-
termining on reaching the brain through Firmness and
Ideality, No. 2 attacking Feneration, and No. 3 Amative-
ness.
Each, then, and in dubious cases, all together, unmask
all their batteries of fascination to reduce the Malakoff
of your bachelor heart to capitulation. No. 1 listens with
grave attention to your remarks, and is surprisingly of
your opinion on politics, literature, and fashion—though
for the latter she cares but little, despising all “ frivoli-
ties.” She supports you in argument, even to the extent
of hinting pretty broadly to your opponents that they
are ill-bred, and know nothing of what they ’re talking.
about. She thinks women ought to have the privilege of
voting, and “ knows somebody” (with a corner-of-the-eye
glance at you) “who she'd send to Congress—if she could,
but won’t tell toho for the world.” She believes - strongly
in Alexander Smith’s Life Drama, and likes to get you
to read Bju*on aloud—but, of course, is entirely un-
acquainted with Don Juan, though, singularly enough,
the volume (her property) always opens at that naughty
poem. And when, on one occasion, your copy of Walt
Whitman’s Leaves of Grass disappeared for three whole
5*106
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
days, she it was who brought it to you, having discovered
it behind the sofa, where it had unaccountably slipped.
If you are a mildly-developed young man with religious
proclivities, beware of No. 2. She teaches at Sunday-
school, and belongs to a society which instigates lady-
brigands to wait upon down-town merchants, editors, and
business men generally, in their offices, there to solicit
subscriptions for an impracticable charity. She is a
church member, and will denounce the Sehottische or
German on the smallest provocation. It is rumored that
she carries in her bosom the miniature daguerreotype of a
gentleman studying for the ministry, together with a
small theological pamphlet bearing the title of “ Milk for
Babes.” All burlesque phrases applied to aught that may
be supposed serious—such as the over-quoted drollery of
“ Harp of a Thousand Strings”—rshock her inexpressibly.
And an artist-boarder once incurred her lasting displeas-
ure, when requested to sketch Moses in the bulrushes for
her album, by depicting a terrified Jew peddler between
two rushing animals of the bovine species.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES. 107
No. 3 is at once the belle and boast of the Establish-
ment, being both prettier and younger, and therefore
more attractive, than her sisters. She is an arch coquette,
and, like most coquettes, sometimes ventures very far in
flirtation, and is most accessible to the more daring of her
admirers. She prefers a game df romps or blind man’s
buff to books or conversation, and, in the latter sport, it
is delightful to see her dart into corners to avoid your
outstretched arms, uttering the most musical of little
shrieks all the time until caught—when she vows it’s
“ not fair,” and that she will retaliate. t And be sure, if
her endeavors be successful, that she will pull your whis-
kers and feel your moustache in order to identify you.
Some characteristics the ladies possess in common.
They are equally partial to moonlight walks on summer
evenings, to sitting at the open windows before the lamp
is lit, and to lingering on the doorstep—all in company
with the gentlemen, who are kindly permitted to smoke
on these occasions. Sometimes No. 3 condescends to
ignite a cigar for some favored boarder, and even to ap-
ply her own rosy lips to the same, returning it with much108
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
coughing and the assertion that she “quite likes it.”
Upon which, if you remark that it’s like getting a kiss by
deputy, she slaps you, laughs, and runs away, but unwill-
ing to risk hurting your feelings by the apprehension of
her displeasure, comes back again almost immediately.
We have known her to be kissed in the passage, and to
take it very quietly. But such indulgences, as you will
probably find, almost invariably precipitate a matrimonial
engagement, which wrill be broken in a month by the
discovery that others have enjoyed, are enjoying, or may
enjoy, the same privileges. No. 3 has jilted more swains
than you can count upon your ten fingers, and that too
entirely in deference to mamma and the almighty dollar.
A thorough-going Old Soldier is Mrs.------! She lets
no opportunity of praising “her dear girls” escape her.
She wonders how any one can be insensible to their
charms of mind and person. They are so good, so amia-
ble, so dutiful, so industrious, that she don’t know how
she shall ever make up her mind to part with them. He
who wins either will indeed gain a treasure, and must
himself be a paragon—the model and quintessence of
every manly virtue ere he obtains her consent. Notwith-
standing which, we once overheard her tell No. 1 that she
was “ real sick of her,” and wished to ------that “ some
jFool of a Man” wrould take her off her hands. It made
a great impression upon us at the time.
If you are supposed to entertain a tendresse toward No.
1, you learn at the tea-table that “ that delicious cake” is
of her making; an admirer of No. 2 is privately informed
that she clothes half the poor children in the ward; while
No. 3 cuts out her own dresses, and isn’t “ such a mad-
cap as she seems,” but will sober down into a “ most ex-
cellent, affectionate, -warm-hearted girl.” All of which
you may believe or not; but if you incline to the brightNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
109
side of the picture, we should n’t advise you to darken it
by looking very closely into the landlady’s face. For it is
ominously suggestive of what “ the girls” may look like
in advanced life. We have known a budding offer for
No. 3 blighted by this simple circumstance.
Not content with the matrimonial opportunities afforded
to them by their mother’s Establishment—which may be
looked upon as a hymeneal man-trap—the young ladies
occasionally try elsewhere for victims—even at the risk of
meeting victimizers. There are stories afloat among the
more knowing boarders, of “ the girls” having answered
matrimonial advertisements, and we can depose to the
fact that when the Phyfe correspondence got into the
papers Nos. 2 and 3 were singularly agitated. All three
will admit that they have been to Madame Morrow's to
have their fortunes told—if not to other “ Witches of New
York,” also. But then ten times the wit and humor of
our friend “Doesticks” would hardly suffice to keep “ young
ladies” away from such places.
Whether they act in concert on a common understand-
ing, or carry on the war, individually, each on her own
hook, we never were able to ascertain. Certainly they
appear to live in remarkable unanimity, and if scpiabbles
occur, the Napoleonic axiom of washing dirty linen at
home is strictly observed. Even on rather provoking oc-
casions—such as the discovery of one sister in the cham-
ber of a boarder presumably devoted to the intruding
party—no loss of temper has resulted. They twine arms
round one another’s waists in the sweetest sisterly fashion,
talk awhile with you, and presently skip away, leaving
you puzzled, enchanted, or amused, according to your
temperament.
We have little to say of the diet of this Establishment,
or of individual boarders: the former is but indifferent,110
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
the latter (as has already been observed) consisting, gen-
erally, of young men—who do not stop long. Perhaps
the young ladies rather over-do the Art of Fascination;
perhaps the prospect of such a mother-in-law terrifies the
gentlemen. Any way, Nos. 1, 2, and 3, continue unmar-
ried. We shouldn’t wonder if the younger sister finally
effected it, and take this opportunity to advise her future
husband to immediately emigrate with his bride to Cali-
fornia, to change his name, and repudiate all connection
with his wife’s relatives. Following this counsel he may
stand a chance of happiness.CHAPTER XIII.
THE CHEAP HOTEL BOARDING-HOUSE.
one of those business-like
thoroughfares which are
peculiarly characteristic of
the lower part of New York
—whose dusky red stores
have iron shutters, and the
names of their occupants
painted up in black letters
upon a white ground—
whose sidewalks are perpet-
ually blockaded by bales,
barrels, and boxes—where
the pedestrian’s progress is
rendered perilous by the
transit, on skids, of un-
wieldy merchandise from
cart to store, or vice versa—where, throughout the week,
wholesale traffic reigns, and which, on Sundays, has a
very funereal and dead-wall aspect—is a huge, seven-story,
corner building, bearing its designation in proportionate
letters. It is at once a cheap Hotel and Boarding-House.
A showy bar-room, furnished with the usual amount of
plate-glass, many-colored liquors, cigar-boxes, etc., occu-112
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
pies the front of the lower story. Here, when there are
but few customers, a portly German, of some eighteen
stone weight, may be seen reclining in an arm-chair, half
asleep, yet, with the instinctive vigilance of a landlord,
keeping one eye open. He is wide awake enough of even-
ings, and of alkevenings in the week, that of Saturday. Drop
in then, you will find him the center of a busy scene, and
ready to' take drinks, successively, with every individual
member of a motley and miscellaneous crowd there assem-
bled. Boarders pay up, for the preceding week, at this
period, and much mirth, but more noise, is in progress
everywhere. Men clustering in front of the bar; men sit-
ting, spitting, drinking and smoking round the stove (if
in winter), men bending over the bagatelle-table at one
end of the room, men cursing, quarreling, or striking the
table at cards, and men engaged in the quieter games of
checkers or dominoes. A fog of tobacco-smoke, and a
perfect Babel of clamor prevails, the language used being
as various as the speakers, but, as may be guessed, the
“ rich Irish brogue” which General Scott found so charm-
ing while on his presidential canvass, is predominant.
Most of the boarders—the house accommodates upward
of eighty on the average.(sometimes more)—are laboring
men, having employment in adjacent wholesale stores,
about wharfs, etc. It is, by express rule, a bachelor Es-
tablishment. A stair-case, rather dirtier than the middle
of a street on a rainy day, gives access to the upper por-
tion of the house, which is divided into innumerable
rooms, of different degrees of smallness, some containing
three beds, the majority only one. They are plainly
furnished, and indifferently supplied with water, but one
ewer being allowed to each chamber. The servants, un-
like their master and mistress, are Irish, but have dwelt
so long in the establishment as to have become compara-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
113
tively Germanized, and one of them—a character in her
way—can talk Deutsche like any native-born Teuton.
They are mostly ugly girls, of squat figure, very good-
humored, slatternly, and industrious.
When the dinner-bell rings—at noon precisely—there’s
a rush of men from the bar-room to a large apartment im-
mediately over it—(occasionally used for public meetings,
clubs, etc.) Every body helps himself at table, and, consid-
ering the limited space afforded for elbow-movement, the
meal is disposed of in a miraculously short space—about ten
minutes sufficing to “ get through” with it. Quantity rather
than quality is looked for at the hands of the caterers,
and they do their best to satisfy this expectation. Colos-
sal joints of coarse meats already cut into slices, pyramids
of potatoes, swamps of squash, and acres of collapsed cab-
bages—all having received extreme unction in liquid
grease—disappear as rapidly as if each boarder had made
a private arrangement with Nature for a perfectly unlim-
ited supply of gastric juice. A company of ostriches,
dining on flat-irons, a la maitre cfrhotel, horse-shoes, aum
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
gratin, and ten-penny nails confiture, could not be less
apprehensive of indigestion. The acknowledged mode of
proceeding appears to be seizing upon the dish placed
before you, and “ going into” it without wasting time by
looking for other condiments than those at hand. Yeal
preponderates over other meats—why, we don’t know.
Sundays are celebrated by sumptuous banquets of strong-
ly-scented ham and oyster-soups—which last are provoca-
tive of much emulation. For the bivalves, in addition to
being of dwarfish and withered aspect, are so few in
number that you might fancy them swimming round the
tureen in disconsolate search for one another, and happy
to be brought into companionship by the first dip of the
successful boarder’s spoon. On Sundays, too, a little
more leisure is vouchsafed to the meal—it is not disposed
of under fifteen minutes. But if you come in later, only
a chaos of fragments, bones, and cold vegetables, awaits
you.
The landlady, her daughter, and the servants, wait at
table. The first is a spare little woman, very active and
alive to the main chance—so much so, indeed, that wo
have heard it asserted by one of her boarders, that she
“ would skin a flea for the hide and tallow.” But this
we incline to regard as a mere poetic figure of speech, as
the few fleas in her establishment, so far from being
flayed, are generously allowed to puncture the skins of the
boarders. One thing is unanimously admitted, that Mrs.
■---is always very kind when a boarder is sick. On the
whole she is popular, and deservedly so. The lodgers
are rough, careless, hard-working men, but generally
good-humored and kindly, and, like most persons in
humble life, always willing to assist one another when oc-
casion calls for it.
Mrs.-----’s daughter is a young lady of eighteen, pos-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
115
sessing fashionable aspirations, and much admired by the
good-looking young men boarders. She appears in great
splendor at the yearly balls—for balls are got up at onr
Cheap Hotel Boarding-House—the boarders subscribing
for a band, inviting their lady-friends and relations, doing
every thing complete and proper, and keeping it up, too,
just for all the world as though they lived in the Fifth
Avenue, and owned—not worked in—down-town stores.
And we don’t know but that they enjoy themselves quite
as much as richer folks—perhaps more, as such entertain-
ments are of less frequent occurrence with them, and
therefore more keenly appreciated. Any way we are
sure that the big room over the bar presents a plea-
santer appearance when occupied by some two hundred
couples, gayly gyrating in the Schottische or Polka,
than when thronged by a mob of heated, brawling, foul-
mouthed, rowdy politicians. We have seen it under both
aspects, and ought to know. (Our Cheap Hotel Boarding-
House is quite the “Headquarters” of the down-town
Democracy during popular Elections. We shouldn’t
advise any body to try and vote any ticket but that
favored by the unterrified, in the immediate vicinity.)
For our portly landlord, he is a prosperous man, and
apparently gets rich and stout in proportion as he grows
older—wherefore we see no reason why he should n’t
rival the wealth of Astor and the bulk of Falstaff. Wo
believe him to be a good fellow—as an act of Samaritan-
ship, performed toward a sick carpenter, may testify.
He kept the man at his own cost rather than send him
to a hospital, and subsequently advanced the money to
bury him. Yet a parting word of censure. Perhaps
some of his boarders might hold their hard-earned dol-
lars more closely but for the existence of his bar, and
its facilities for drinking and card-playing. We have116
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
heard of cases in which the latter has only been aban-
doned in the bar-room to be recommenced in the apart-
ment of one of the gamblers, there to be continued until
the rosy smile of a new-born day lit up the opposite house-
tops, and reproached the haggard-faced victims for their
desecration of the peaceful night. And though our Cheap
Hotel Boarding-House be conducted as decently as is
possible, we can yet fancy a better home for working-men
than we have just described.CHAPTER XIV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE THE LANDLADY DRINKS.
former—a handsome Kentuckian—relinquishing the busi-
ness for private life. The tenement was a sjiacious, old-
fashioned one, in a street south of Canal-, running west-
ward from Broadway. It had been admirably ruled
under the former proprietorship. How we fared with the
new, we shall proceed to relate.
Mrs.----- was a woman of fifty, with a flushed coun-
tenance, a nose like a bulbous strawberry which had been
left out in the rain so long that the color had got partially
E once had three
weeks’ experience
of an Establishment
which can only be
rightly discriminated
by the above title.
It happened in
consequence of a
change of dynasty in
our, then, Boarding-
House. We were
made over, in com-
pany with a house-full
of fellow-victims, to
a new landlady; the118
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
washed out of it; and a rheumatic husband, of feeble in-
tellect and demeanor. His occupations seemed confined
to befogging himself with yesterday’s newspapers, open-
ing the street-door upon unnecessary occasions, getting in
the way of the servants when they laid the dinner, and
justifying the appearance of that meal when served be-
fore or behind the proper hour, by the production of a
large silver chronometer, the veracity of which it was^ im-
piety to question. His lady’s peculiarities, however, can
not be dismissed so easily.
The lessee of a Boarding-House succeeding a popular
predecessor is likely to be very closely scrutinized by her
lodgers. They are apt to be suspicious of deteriorations
in diet and other alterations for the worse; and, if any
peg to hang complaints upon be discoverable, the new
landlady will soon find abundant illustration of the truth
of the copy-book proverb, that “ Comparisons are Odious.”
In the present instance, the boarders had good reason for
grumbling.
Instead of the palatable soup heretofore initiative of din-
ner, a liquid abomination apparently derived from boiling
dish-clouts in equal proportions of dripping and water,
and subsequently flavoring with cayenne pepper and salt,
was substituted. In place of goodly joints of boiled, and
baked (roast is unknown in all Boarding-Houses), we en-
tered upon an interminable prospect of over-cooked pork
—that Monsieur Tonson of Boarding-House tables. Cof-
fee became cloudier, tea of a moi'e delicately resinous
hue, sugar grittier, milk more calcareous. Fish of evil
odor appeared. Hashes and stewTs began to preponderate
over substantial dishes. Everything culinary was subject
to the dismalest deterioration. Added to which our
landlady’s behavior, at table, began to be very extraordi-
nary.NEAV YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
110
She came to dinner with a very red face, and a curiously
hazy appearance about the eyes, accompanied by a sort of
spasmodic wink. Her conduct while presiding was singular
and disconcerting. She assisted the boarders to food in an
arbitrary and inconsistent manner, heaping some plates to
an extent sufficient to satisfy the appetite of a hungry giant,
while others received no more than could have been easily
disposed of by a full-grown canary. When their return
hinted dissatisfaction at these proceedings, she reversed
her blunder, indulging at the same time in a confused and
hiccupy monologue about “people not knowing what
they wanted.” Her carving was odd, and productive of
strangely-shaped wedges of meat. She used the big knife
and fork in a very startling manner. We have seen her
eat her own dinner with these utensils, subsequently wip-
ing them on her sleeve.
Furthermore, she occasionally evinced a preternatural
liveliness, and made wild dashes at conversation, address-
ing remarks about the weather to boarders at the remote
end of the table, or violently requesting their approbation
of the dinner. Frequently, too, she became impressed
with the singular notion that certain individuals were fond
of particular dishes, and, especially, that her husband
liked beans. There was a peculiarly disagreeable kind of
them (which tasted like something between bees-wax and
bitter aloes, and always got harder by boiling) prevalent
at meals, and in spite of Mr.------’s feeble disclaimations,
his lady would favor him with immense quantities, heap-
ing them on his plate with her own fair hand, also sending
the servants, with dishes full of the obnoxious vegetables,
to him. Once we saw/bwr of these in front of the un-
happy gentleman.
During these rather eccentric proceedings on the part
of our landlady, a corpulent, puffy-faced boarder, who in-120
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
variably sat on her left hand, gradually emerged into no-
tice as pre-eminently distinguished by her favor. They
laughed and talked together a good deal, and at length
proceeded to what might be termed ornithological en-
dearments, such as chirping, and calling one another
“Dickey,” and even reciprocating chuckings under the
chin. This boarder had made his appearance in the house
in company with his fair friend and her husband, and was,
we presume, an old acquaintance. Whispers circulated
that he owned a small groggery, and took the rent out in
spirits, which he and the landlady drank together. We
incline to credence in that statement.
Of course, these peculiarities of conduct attracted consid-
erable attention on the part of the boarders. Many were
amused, some scandalized, and a few disgusted. Our land-
lady’s eccentricities took other out-o’-the-way forms, besides
those enumerated. There was a certain Frenchman, who,
having only been fifteen years in this country, of course,
did n’t understand the language, and to him, exclusively,
Mrs. ----- once chose to address her conversation for
three successive days, over the dinner-table. She called
him Moo-soo, talked horribly dislocated English, smiled,
and winked, and was, in a word, so distressingly attentive
that the poor foreigner presently hit upon the idea that
he was being ridiculed, confined himself to his room, had
his meals brought up to him, dw'elt in an atmosphere of
cigarettes and unmade beds (he used, to shriek at the
servant if she opened the window) till his "week was up,
and then left. Which incident brings us to his successor,
wTho subsequently became a prominent character in the
Establishment.
Occupying the adjoining apartment, we were a little
surprised on the morning after his arrival by his manner
of dressing ; which, apparently, consisted in putting on aNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
121
pair of creaking boots, walking about in them for half an
hour, and then going through various gymnastic perform-
ances over chairs, accompanied by lively imitations of the
cries of an entire menagerie. Subsequently, when we be-
came acquainted with him, he explained these proceedings
as being resorted to for the healthful development of
lungs and limbs, and told us his history. He was a down-
east Yankee, had traveled over three fourths of the globe,
arid tried an infinite variety of avocations, including prac-
tice of the law, driving an omnibus, peddling stoves, edit-
ing a newspaper, selling patent medicines, officiating as
clerk in a dry-goods store, as Mormon preacher, and
Daguerreian artist, with much more than we can remem-
ber or chronicle. He had just then returned from Cali-
fornia, with some money, and the resolve to get up a big
panorama of the whole of the United States, on the scale
of one foot to every mile. This intention he prepared to
“put through” by papering up the lower window of the
attic (it had a north light), purchasing an immense roll
6122
T HE PHYSIOL O G Y O F
of canvas, several white-wash brushes, and bucket-fulls of
joaint, and a barrel of turpentine. Also he cultivated the
acquaintance of artists, one of whom ornamented the
whole side of the room with a ghastly cartoon person-
ating Cholera as a gigantic, demonized skeleton, flying at
the spectator with extended arms, which so appalled the
servants (it was during the prevalence of the pestilence
in 1849) that complaint was carried to the landlady. She
had the room white-washed, but with indifferent effect,
for the plaster being laid on but sparingly, the figure still
loomed up, awfully, beneath it.
Our neighbor, in pursuance of his panorama project,
found it necessary to decorate his room with all sorts of
prints from newspapers, books, magazines, etc., in the
short space of a week converting the sides of the apart-
ment into an extemporaneous picture-gallery. Moreover
he took to fancying animals, and brought home a couple
of monkeys and a bull-terrier. These, however, he did
not succeed in domesticating. After a combined attack
upon a stout Irish chambermaid, in which one of the
monkeys sprang upon her shoulders, while the terrier
seized her by the ancle—from which he was with difficulty
detached—our friend gave up his pets, and, subsequently,
the dog bit one of his companions’ heads off.
These proceedings, and a habit of sliding down stairs
on the hand-rail, brought our neighbor into antagonism
with the landlady. He received notice to quit. Consid-
ering himself an aggrieved person, his last week’s sojourn
was especially devoted to the development of Mrs.------’s
peculiar weakness. He produced bottles of champagne at
dinner, and induced her and the puffy-faced boarder to
partake of more than was good for them—a highly un-
necessary proceeding. He strove to draw them out in
conversation, addressing them in lengthy and floweryNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
123
speeches; frequently—when they were very far gone—of
a fearfully incongruous and nonsensical description.
As thushe would ask Mrs.--------, in a perfectly grave
manner, whether she was aware that All the World was
Sad and Dreary everywhere he Roamed, and that O!
Darkies, how His Heart grew Weary, now that Forty-
Nine Right-Angled Triangles had combined with Phos-
phate of Pickled Salmon to derange the Equilibrium of
the Tropic of Capricorn! at which she would smile and
look edified. The effect on the other boarders may be
imagined.
Nor that only. He was suspected of much more. Of124
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
instigating colored females of disreputable appearance to
call for the puffy-faced boarder during his absence, and
instructing them to leave insultingly familiar messages
about wanting him to come round to Pete's on the Points
“ as there was gwine to be a hop." Of getting a heavy
box containing several bricks and a dead cat forwarded,
from Boston, to the landlady, per express, carriage un-
paid. And, also, of offering, per letter* in Mrs.---’s
name, to adopt advertised babies, requesting their owners
to bring them to her residence (at dinner time) for the
purpose of inspection. We have seen three women sitting
together in the front parlor, each with a baby and an
epistle purporting to be from our landlady—describing
herself as “ a childless widow.” But, perhaps, a still more
unjustifiable trick celebrated this unscrupulous boarder’s
departure.
Most readers are’ aware that all vendors of patent
medicines, and such articles as appeal to the infirmities
of mankind are eager for testimonials of cure—especially
when authorized to publish them. This fact our expelled
neighbor availed himself of. He wrote—again in Mrs.
----’s name—to upward of a score of well-known nos-
trum-mongers, graciously intimating that they might make
what use they pleased with the communications. Next
week’s Sunday papers contained accounts how our land-
lady had been afflicted with every conceivable malady that
flesh is heir to, even from her earliest years to the time that
she obtained convalescence from---’s pills, balsam, bitters,
trusses, etc., etc.—as the case might be. There were even
testimonials in regard to an admirably serviceable wooden
leg, and eulogiums of a Broadway perruquier in grateful
acknowledgment of his unguent having clothed “ a totally
denuded scalp” with flowing ringlets. Our landlady’s fury
that morning was fearful to look upon.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
125
She took to drinking worse than before, and became
morbidly suspicious of every body. This, incidentally, in-
duced our departure. We, being at dinner one day, hap-
pened to whisper to a fellow-boarder something provocative
of a smile, when Mrs.-----fancied we were blaspheming
the victuals, waylaid us in the passage, and requested us
to find another Boarding-HousS. We did so. There
were very few boarders remaining at the time of our de-
parture, and we believe the Establishment resulted in a
financial‘smash shortly afterward.CHAPTER XV.
OF THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY LIKES TO BE
ILL-USED.
plain front of brown cement, and displays modest green
blinds at each of its eight windows. A small oval brass
plate on the door bears the simple inscription “ Mrs.
-----.” She is the landlady.
A small woman with lightish hair and not too much of
it, its abnormal color being by no means improved by so
indiscriminate an application of dye that the central part
of her scalp is palpably purple. An Englishwoman by
birth, a widow by condition. Mother, also, of a sturdy,
self-willed boy, who gives lively promise of developing
into that agreeable style of New York youth prone to
loaf round corner groceries nocturnaliy, there to indulge
in the delights of bad cigars and blasphemy.
Mrs. —---has kept a Boarding-House for upward of
twelve or fifteen years, yet makes comparatively successful
HIS is a smallish, four-storied
edifice in a wide street, des-
tined ere long to form a
thoroughfare only second
in business importance to
Broadway—we don’t care to
particularize it more closely.
Like its neighbors, it has aNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
127
attempts at juvenility. She is such a little woman you
would, inevitably, under-reckon her age. Were you un-
gallant enough to ask it, she would simper a good deal
and tell you to guess. Probably she is midway between
thirty and forty.
Her Establishment is not a large one, and pretty well
dieted, its faults lying chiefly on the side of uncleanliness.
The little widow bestows so much time on her own per-
sonal adornment, that she has n’t any to devote to the
nicer details of house-keeping. But we have already de-
scribed a Dirty Boarding-House par excellence and shall
say no more on that head. The present Establishment de-
mands our attention in consequence of the peculiar rela-
tions which, in our time, existed between the landlady
and certain of her boarders—especially one. He was a
Pet Boarder. We have incidentally alluded to this ob-
noxious species before. It was here that we first learned
the extent of the power sometimes exercised by them.
He—the Pet—was a heavy-looking man of fifty, with a
countenance resembling an ugly rhinoceros, black hair,
square face, and sullen physiognomy. The boarders said
he’d been an overseer—or, as they termed it, slave-driver—
down South, and there were whispers that he got his
living in New York at the gaming table. This might, or
might not, have been true, but he certainly appeared to
have no ostensible avocation, and came home at all sorts
of unexpected hours of the day and night. Ordinarily,
when in presence of other boarders, he manifested great
taciturnity—being well aware that they hated him—but
would relax toward new arrivals, who, however, always
went over to the opposition in a week or two—as soon as
they found out that he was a Pet Boarder.
How it came to pass we never, thoroughly, understood.
Certainly not in consequence of his gallantry, prepossess-128
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ing appearance, or amiability of disposition. He was ill-
bred, ill-mannered, and ill-tempered. He never vouchsafed
(at least before others) any courtesy—not to say indi-
cation of tenderness—toward the landlady. On the con-
trary, he was generally rude, frequently sulky, sometimes
brutal, and often made her cry. And this, we think, gives
us the key to unlock the mystery.
There is a species of spaniel-like women wTho are never
so happy as when ill-used. We only state the fact, with-
out endeavoring to explain it. Perhaps they see in the
petty despot of every-day life what they themselves would
be, had they courage—what they are to still weaker per-
sons. Apparently extracting a diseased happiness from
the consciousness of their own abasement, they seem will-
ing to accept, with slavish gratitude, some churlishly-
granted favor as a quittance in full for a month’s brutality.
Of this order was our little landlady. Other particulars
evidenced it as well as her peculiar position toward the
Pet Boarder.
To stand high in. her good graces it was necessary
either to get deeply in her debt, or to treat her, on all
occasions, with uniform discourtesy and insult. Pay up
regularly, you were but an ordinary, unpleasantly-inde-
pendent boarder; get in debt, or lead your landlady a
dog’s life—so to speak—sometimes throwing her a crumb
of compliment, and you became, in a manner, privileged.
She depreciated you in private, to be sure, and told every
body that you owed her money, but she had a secret lik-
ing for you, for having afforded her that pleasure.
Several eminently gentlemanly boarders, by adopting
this principle of action, obtained uniformly more of atten-
tion and comfort than ourself, and other punctually-paying
blockheads. Some had been her debtors for a couple of
years or more. She was accustomed to relate their pri-NEW YORK BOARDING-IIOUSES.
129
vate histories, telling how, when prosperous, they had
deserted her’s for more stylish Boarding-Houses—“ her’s
was n’t good enough for ’em then, hut they were always
glad to come hack to where they had credit.” For a long
time it was supposed that one of these—a good-looking
young fellow—possessed a place in her affections, as his
evenings were generally spent in her company and the
front basement, hut this was before the advent of the Pet
joroper. We have also a lively recollection of our land-
lady’s emotion on parting with another amiable defaulter,
on the occasion of his going West. He kissed her, and
promised to remit his outstanding account in weekly in-
stallments—which, however, abruptly ceased after the in-
itial payment. She, in consequence, took to writing long
and diffuse letters—which were passed round and read
by the boarders before transmission—to his employers,
wherein she requested them to “ champion the widow
and fatherless,” and to “stop it out of his wages.” Both
of these boarders were favorites in their degree, as were
two others who merit particular description. We believe
they paid up punctually, yet succeeded in ill-treating little
----to that extent necessary to attain her affection.
One, a small, bushy-whiskered Londoner, partial to
billiards, and afast town-life generally, even maintained
a sort of rivalry with the Pet. His low, quaint humor,
and great powers of irritation, sometimes enabled him to
prove a perfect little fiend to the landlady. He abbrevi-
ated her name in an insulting manner, abused her cook-
ery, spoke of her defunct husband—of whom a picture
hung in the dining-room—as “ that fellow,” “ that muff”
etc., and bribed her son to watch, defy, and slander his
mother. This course of conduct naturally endeared him
to Mrs.-----. He was invited to visit her in the front
basement, which courtesy he would scornfully reject, pre-
6*130
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ferring unsolicited descents when he Tcnew the Pet teas
there, and his own presence undesirable. Him he would
“ chaff” in a cool, malignant manner, for hours, attributing
the meanest motives to his desire for the landlady’s favor,
and goading him, by accusations of parsimony, into send-
ing out for oysters and beer, which, when they arrived,
he wouldn’t partake of. Mrs. --------- used to fret and
fidget on these occasions, and sometimes go out into the
passage to cry, but the Londoner always sat his opponent
out, if he had to remain till one in the morning.
Speaking of these delicate little attentions, we are re-
minded of certain traditions relative to a boarder preced-
ing our advent. His mode of coercing (and, consequently,
winning the regard of) Mrs.-------, would appear to have
been persistent reproach and crimination of her character,
lie unceasingly taunted her about her “ paramours,” and
called her “ an inefficient man-trap.” Once he is said to
have greatly distinguished himself by the unprovoked
mixing-up, mashing, and general demolition of her gastro-
nomic preparations for New Year’s day. We are credibly
informed that she cooked a special supper, that night, for
him, in consequence.
But to return to our cotemporaries. The other boarder
spoken of as holding a place in Mrs.-------’s estimation,
was also an Englishman, though not a cockney. (The
parent country happened to be extensively represented in
Mrs.------’s establishment.) He was the greatest “ swell”
we have ever encountered. He had his hair curled and
scented, sported elaborately-embossed shirt-fronts, frills
and ruffles, wore studs, pins, brooches, rings, and knick-
knacks innumerable, and generally appeared with a rivulet
of watch-chain gushing from a horticulturally-embellishcd
vest. In pronunciation he eschewed the letter. R, instat-
ing W in its place, which, in conjunction with a hoarseNEW YORK DO A II DING -HOUSES. 131
voice, and a loud, gasping laugh, had a singular effect.
He used to swear at the landlady. You’d find her in
tears in the parlor, and he informed how “-----had
abused her.” Be but rash enough to sympathize, she’d
threaten him with your championship, and get you into a
row. T! iis occurred once, in connection with an artist-
friend of ours. He, by-the-by, painted a portrait of the
landlady (in payment for outstanding board) and could
never make it handsome enough to please her. The sit-
tings were great occasions. Little Mrs.-would attire
herself, like Viliken’s Dinah, “ in gorgeous array” (which
was particularly necessary, only her face being required),
and thus sit in state, languishing, smirking, smiling, and
generally conducting herself as a sick kitten under the in-
fluence of laughing gas might be supposed to do—in the
front parlor, for whole summer mornings, the artist and a
looker-on or two alternately complimenting her, and cut-
ting jokes at her expense. She subsequently drove the
former from the house by persistent requests that he
would “ touch up” the portrait a little, and make it look
lovelier.132
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
We suppose no little woman in the world ever had a
larger share of approbativeness. She expected all the
male boarders to admire her, and disliked them if they
didn’t. She was full of little jealousies and petulances,
spitefully resentful of attentions shown to lady-boarders,
and addicted to slandering them in a weak manner. She
was intolerant of jocular conversation at table, and would
snappishly request her boarders “ not to talk nonsense.”
She had a more than feminine curiosity about every thing
and every body. We shall not easily forget her indigna-
tion on one of the lady-boarder’s leaving and getting mar-
ried without previously informing her. She assumed a
weak-tea sort of religion, which did n’t prevent her from
being inordinately sly, on her own account, and generally
uncharitable in her judgment of others. And this, too, in
spite of her own equivocal position with regard to the Pet
Boarder—who was a married man.
After some month’s residence on his own part, he
brought his wife to the house. She, a tall, pale, cold-fillet-
of-veal-looking woman (we snatch the simile from Dickens,
for nothing else will convey our exact meaning), never
looked happy, and was very much pitied by other board-
ers. Our landlady used to simper in an inane, compas-
sionate manner about her, and call her poor Mrs.--------.
She thought her an invalid, and likely to die soon. Only
on one occasion do we remember the Pet Boarder’s wife
smiling, and how this came about shall be narrated.
Her husband, as has been stated, was detested by other
boarders. Headers who have had practical experience of
the quiet, omnipresent despotism established by Pet
Boarders—how they influence every thing, from the choice
of a dinner to the landlady’s courtesy (or want of it)—
how they directly, or indirectly, contrive to u serve out”
those who refuse to bow to their authority—will readilyNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
133
understand this. There were plenty of minor feuds in
this Boarding-House—as there are in all such—but war to
the knife (and fork) was the unanimous sentiment against
the Pet. The smaller manifestations of this generally
consisted in rapidly disposing of the contents of dishes to
which he was known to be partial, or passing them to re-
mote ends of the table ; admiring “ Uncle Tom’s Cabin
turning the conversation on the immorality of gambling ;
doubting the accuracy of his watch, and pooh-poohing
his opinions on every possible subject. When, therefore,
he brought home a small dog, its owner’s name was at once
bestowed upon the animal, and a jocular fiction established
as to its paternity. But the proverb about presenting a
dog with a bad name was not carried out—the animal
being rather a favorite than otherwise. And one evening,
at the supper-table, the artist (who sat precisely ojDposite
the Pet) took this dog on his lap, permitting him to dispose
of a half-saucer full of milk full in the truculent face of his
enraged owner. It was simply an absurd incident, but
comprised as complete a defiance of the Pet’s authority as
Teh’s knocking the hat of Gesler off the pole. The
boarders saw it in that light. The Londoner laughed
sharp and cynically, his friend of the frills and the rings
burst out into a great haw-haw, an ordinarily stolid printer,
after inflaming his face until it assumed the color of a
newly-cut slice of beet, exploded in a roar, his good-hu-
mored little wife tittered, and even the wan countenance
of the Pet’s better half lighted up with the semblance of
a smile. Finally, a universal grin flashed round the table.
This produced a climax. The Pet leaped to his feet and
darted, scowling, from the room. And the landlady,
gliding behind the offender’s chair with an aspect of con-
centrated fury, neched the dog and bore him vengefully
into the passage. By the shrill yelps he uttered during134
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
the brief transit, we should judge that she pinched him
considerably.
The Pet Boarder kept his room for full three weeks in
consequence of this. Our landlady took meals to him in
advance of the regular ones, and we sometimes heard him
growling at her for not having selected precisely what
he wanted. The boarders felt intense, though silent satis-
faction—but their triumph was short-lived. One by one
they began to disappear, some quitting in accordance with
their own inclinations (accelerated by Mrs. --------’s tem-
per), others receiving intimations that their rooms were
“wanted.” It became evident that the Pet had re-
solved upon weeding the house of all Tvho were obnox-
ious to his power. We were among the earliest to quit.
Since that time we have learned that the Pet has left.
Occasionally we meet our former landlady on Broadway.
She has a high color and dresses very gayly. We suspect
that she rouges with less discretion than of old. But
whether other Pets have succeeded the former one—
whether her Establishment is conducted on the same prin-
ciples now as then—or, indeed, whether it is in existence,
we are at present ignorant.CHAPTER XVI.
OF A TIP-TOP BOARDING-HOUSE.
7F at any time during the perusal
of the foregoing Chapters we
have sunk in our reader’s esti-
mation, as manifesting a sus-
picious familiarity with the dirty
side of human nature, we con-
fidently expect that the present
one will redeem our character.
There can be nothing vulgar to
chronicle of the Establishment
now claiming attention. We
especially plume ourself on
having lived in it. Whenever
inclined to depreciate, and to think small-beer of ourself, we
turn to that page of memory’s volume upon which the de-
tails are recorded, glance admiringly over them, and hold
up our head elate with the consciousness that we had
Two Months’ Experience of a Tip-top Up-town Boarding-
House.
It is situate in a due north-easterly direction from Mad-
ison Square, being one of a row of sober-brown houses
forming the side of the street which connects two avenues.
They are large, stylish, pretentious mansions (at the time
of our sojourn yet damp from recent erection), with much
ornamental iron work on either side of their heavy flights1:36
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
of stone steps, balconies running the length of the entire
row, and windows, cornices, and lintels, of a highly ornate
description. Each individual tenement so strongly resem-
bles its neighbors that you can’t help fancying that similar
locks must have been fitted to the doors, and on coming
home at nights, are distrustful of unintentionally effecting
an entrance into the wrong domicile.
The lady proprietresses—for tWbre are two, to whom you
obtain an introduction through the medium of a mutual
acquaintance—only admit a new boarder after the severest
scrutiny as to references and respectability. Their Estab-
lishment is eminently aristocratic, so much so, indeed,
that its gentility verges on the awful, from very intensity.
You are supposed to imagine any amount of applicants
lingering Peri-like at the portal, to be deeply conscious
of your own superior happiness in obtaining ingress, and
to deport yourself with equal reverence and humility both
toward the house and its mistresses. Which ladies de-
serve, here, further description.
They are sisters, the elder a widow of five-and-forty,
the younger her junior by a few years, and unmarried.
Both may be considered good-looking, though their
physiognomy is of that sharp-black-eyed, aquiline-nosed,
thin-lipped order one prefers to think of in connection
with Lady Macbeth and other unpleasantly-dramatic
females, rather than to desire its presence as a household
companion. Perhaps Mrs.---------is the handsomer, matri-
mony having ojDerated to mollify and tone down the
severity of her aspect and temper. Her defunct husband
—there is a portrait of him hanging in the sitting-room,
representing a square-faced man of bilious complexion,
and generally over-shaved appearance—is understood to
have officiated as United States Consul to the court of
Jonker Afrikaner, or some equally important potentate,NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	1H7
and Ms relict assumes immense dignity in consequence.
(She tells you how he endeavored to import a couple of
hippopotami who died on the passage.) She is a tall,
upright figure, and generally dresses in black velvet,
which does n’t tend to relieve the depressing effect of her
tournure.
Her sister has, apparently, settled down to the grim-
mest and most uncompromising spinsterhood. She wears
her hair pulled violently back after that peculiar French-
Chin ese fashion, which seems to possess such great attrac-
tions to all women whose faces it does n't suit, is partial
to exuberant crinoline, to botany, and to her nephew.
He is a small, but lofty-souled young gentleman of three-
and-twenty, afflicted with a weakness of the eyes and
knees, a desire to become a great public character, and an
overpowering sense of his own importance, and that of
the %nily.
The house is handsomely furnished throughout, exceed-
ing in display the Establishment described in Chapter
Five. Combining the probable expense of this with a
presumably high rent, we were, at, first, somewhat at a
loss to conceive how Mrs.--and her sister (who were
spoken of as being comparatively unprovided for at the
demise of the African Consul), had contrived to commence
business in so dashing a way; but the mystery was subse-
quently explained to us. Among the boarders, we re-
marked, as especially intimate with the lady proprietresses,
a short, black-whiskered, high-complexioned, crisp-looking
man of fifty, who owned houses and lots on more than
one of the avenues, dealt in land and building specula-
tions, and was generally reputed to be very wealthy. He,
so we were privately informed, had advanced the necessary
funds. Perhaps, indeed, the entire Establishment was a
“ speculation” of Ms.THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
ms
If so, to all appearance it was a successful one. The
majority of the boarders were affluent, or desirous of
seeming so, and willing to pay for that privilege. Mrs.
------ (who, in virtue of her widowhood, assumed the part
of landlady par excellence) professed a more than Mrs. Gen-
erctl-YikQ contempt for money, making her sister collect
the bills, and occasionally using her as a pecuniary Jer-
kins • yet it was advisable to have a very definite under-
standing as to terms, or you would, invariably, find little
“ extras” crowding into your weekly accounts—to dispute
which, with a lady of Miss---’s dignity and antecedents,
was really a formidable undertaking. You might, with
as much consistency, have submitted a question of absent
shirt-buttons to Mrs. Siddons, or suggested to Zenobia,
when in reduced circumstances, the propriety of taking in
washing.
There were upward of five-and-thirty boarders, over
half of which number appertained to families who pre-
ferred this mode of residence on the score of fashion or—
convenience. The wives had mostly made feeble attempts
at house-keeping subsequent to marriage, and finding
themselves as much at home in it as a kangaroo in a
diving-bell, had “ given up” in despair, declaring that do-
mestic duties were “a real plague,” and “those Irish
enough to worry any body’s life out.” The husbands—de-
voted to business and money-getting—could scarcely miss
what few of them had experienced—a home—and per-
haps preferred confining their domestic expenses to def-
inite weekly or monthly payments. So the gentlemen
were satisfied, the ladies relieved of the trouble of house-
keeping, and the children sent to school at an early age,
where they took the initiatory steps toward becoming as
happy and as useful members of society as their parents.
Yf e only remember one in connection with the Tip-TopNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	199
Boarding-House—a pretty but horribly-spoiled little girl,
the daughter of a good-looking widow, who was, herself,
somewhat of a character.
She possessed an estate on Staten Island, but preferred
Hew York during the winter from mingled motives—
economy and love of flirtation. She lived—with her
child and servant—in an attic, had a remarkably sweet
voice, a $700 diamond necklace, and a mild penchant for
herrings, cheese, and brandy and water—as we judged
from olfactory testimony on going up-stairs nocturnally.
She was of plump, buxom figure, yet so much disposed to
deprecate her general tendency to jollity of appearance
that upon our alluding to the double-chinnyness probably
awaiting her, she actually tied her head up in a handker-
chief for a day or two to repress it! She precipitated
herself from violent friendships with lady-boarders to the
very opposite extreme of the social compass. Her viva-
cious temperament impelled her to the utterance of
loosely-generous premises—vdiich she was very chary of
redeeming. (We remember her rashly volunteering a
§100 wedding-dress to a lady-boarder, in order to get off
from paying a forfeit philopoena, and being in a state of
great apprehension subsequently in case it might be
looked for.) She—in common with most widows—pro-
fessed an indifference toward further experience of mat-
rimony, but cavaliers of about the age of her eldest son
used to call upon her. Sometimes she had rows with the
servants on their objecting to tell gratuitous fibs about
her not being “ at home” to these gentlemen. Indeed,
she was continually in hot water, having contracted an
unlucky habit of tattling herself into scrapes. We were
present during an altercation between her and a longi-
tudinal Scotchman (engaged in the wholesale liquor busi-
ness) in which she expressed a desire to bite off his nose;140
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
and afterward offered, over the supper-table, a reward o f
$100 to any body who’d cow-hide him. In the language
of “ sporting” men, there were no takers. Withal, Mrs.
-----could be very agreeable when she pleased—as the
landlady remarked, privately. And then she was very
good-looking.
The remaining boarders comprised an equal number of
single young ladies and gentlemen, many of the former
having quitted their parents’ homes “because it was
dull,” or for some equally excellent reason. Had you
hinted to them the possibility of danger from being
brought into contact with men of unknown, and perhaps
not irreproachable characters, though of stylish exterior,
they would have laughed, and Mrs.---------- grown indig-
nant. As well fancy a Tombs lawyer obtaining admission
into heaven as such an individual into her establishment.
It was an up-town, patent-polished, carved and gilt edition
of Eden, only people dressed in better taste, got up balls,
and had a greater variety of dishes for dinner. Yet we
have heard some of the gentlemen boarders converse
among themselves—and about the young ladies, too—in a
manner not compatible with the strictest propriety. But,
to do the ladies justice, they appeared able to take care
of themselves.
Prominent among bachelor-boarders was a bushy-
whiskered man of forty—young, therefore, only by cour-
tesy—for, in addition to his age, he was prematurely
bald. Yet he achieved prodigious popularity among the
ladies, whether married or single, especially the former.
He had an elaborate foppishness of manner, an air of
grave, confiding gallantry; and would utter solemn plati-
tudes with an accent of such impre^ive sincerity as to con-
vince any feminine listener that he was the most tender,
most susceptible, most excellent, most gentlemanly ofNEW YOEK BUAliJJUSli-HOUSES,
111
mortals. Privately, he was the loosest talker in the
community.
This gentleman, if we recollect aright, in company
with a couple of lady-boarders, originated what might be
termed a Mutual-Admiration-and-Matrimony-Promoting
Society, to which one especial evening in each week was
devoted. The club—for so it was called—also met at
the residences of outside members—chiefly Boarding-
Houses. We were not honored by a fellowship, though
present on several of these interesting reunions. The
company assembled at about an hour and a half after din-
ner—say eight o’clock—and having transacted the more
important business (such as going over the minutes of
the preceding meeting, balloting for new members, etc.)
within closed doors, admitted the uninitiated to the suc-
ceeding festivities. These generally commenced by the
ladies and gentlemen reading passages from the poets, or
essays of their own composition, on subjects previously
dictated to them by the chairman—our bushy-whiskered
friend before spoken of. He had but a feeble imagina-
tion, and would set ladies to writing scathing denuncia-
tions of the use of tobacco (lie couldn't smoke, and was
consequently “ down on” the weed), and gentlemen to
disquisitions on the relative tendencies of the works of
Tennyson and Tupper. Sometimes we had recitations,
and once a male boarder favored us with a dismal u Ode
to the Memory of the Pilgrim Fathers,” five newspaper
columns in length (he got it inserted, subsequently, in a
country journal), and was so complimented by the chair-
man—who manifested anger at seeing members whisper-
ing with the girls instead of listening—that he promised
to write another, and might have done so had not some
judicious friend stolen his rhyming dictionary. Our chief
made but one attempt at distinguishing himself, when he142
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
essayed to read Hiawatha, broke down most signally
over the hard Indian names, and sulked for the remainder
of the evening, all the coaxing of the ladies proving insuf-
ficient to restore his good-humor.
The Society was more successful in the musical portion
of its entertainments, for many of the ladies played bril-
liantly and sang vociferously. And a gentleman of poetic
aspect—which is to say, having long, dark hair, and re-
versed shirt-collars (he was in the express business down
town)—accompanied himself upon the guitar. lie had a
good deal of fun in him in spite of his exterior, and used
to sing a Hood-Wee Serenade of his own composition, in a
manner that brought tears into the eyes of the fair audi-
tors, wrho declared it “ beautiful,” and demanded copies
for their albums.*
* In case lady-readers may be desirous of following their example,
the poem is here subjoined, by special permission of the author. Music
publishers are herewith presented with a gratis copyright.
Turns—the Dead March in La Gazza Ladra, played rapidly.
0 Lady, wake I the tuneful fox
Is twittering in the emerald sky—
The star-fish ’gainst thy casement knocks;
And in thy chamber, fluttering nigh
The taper’s flame, with silken wing,
The fragile penguin circles round,
While, luridly, night’s shadows fling
A ruddy darkness on the ground.
O’er the Campagna’s bursting waves
The giraffe whistles wild and shrill,
While her small beak the simoom laves
Within the azure daffodil.
Sweet influences below, above,
An Iris-tinted clamor make—
All wooing forth my lady-loye
To walk abroad. 0 Lady, wake!NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
143
But such diversions, though presumably the ones for
which the Club was established, proved infinitely less
attractive than the dance and game of romps or forfeits
—instituted after a general failure in an attempt at acting
charades—which always terminated the evening’s enter-
tainments. We must say we enjoyed Blindman’s Buff
immensely in the Tip-Top Boarding-House, not to speak
of Hunt-the-Slipper and Fox-and-Geese—the title of which
last, by-the-by, might have suggested, to a cynic, an omin-
ous moral. Both ladies and gentlemen, single and married,
“ went in” for these sports with such ardor as to provoke an
occasional remonstrance on the part of the spinster proprie-
tress. (There was, in truth, a mild conspiracy to keep her at
piano-duty.) A sense of delicacy so nice as to constrain
its possessor to the substitution of the words “ stepper” or
“ walker” for a turkey’s leg, at dinner (it is our belief that
Miss -----would have suffered martyrdom rather than
have used that vulgar substantive) could scarcely fail to
receive an incidental shock or so. And the ladies and
gentlemen did romp considerably. So much so that
sometimes a husband exhibited symptoms of jealousy—
which was, surely, very unreasonable, as he had an oppor-
tunity of paying attention to other ladies, and could any
thing be fairer ?
At all events, Mrs.----could n’t help it if ladies woidd
flirt. She thought prudery uncalled-for in her Establish-
ment. Ho ill thing was there to be guarded against.- As
for such little incidents as a male boarder making love to
a married lady who had recently quitted, and was then
engaged in getting a divorce from her husband, why, they
were, of course, perfectly proper.*
* Apropos of this, we have met so many divorced ladies in Board-
ing-Houses as to be almost inclined to infer a mysterious connexion and
sympathy between them. Let no reader rashly venture to contradictMl
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Yet a circumstance did occur which proves that scarcely
any amount of precaution can preserve the very cream of
society from being ruffled by extraneous flies. We do
not allude to the atrocious case of the miscreant of gentle-
manly exterior, who boarded for five weeks—and indeed
comported himself every way in an unobjectionable man-
ner, but subsequently proved to be an actor—to the im-
mense disgust and indignation of the lady proprietresses.
(Their son and nephew, by-the-by—the weak-eyed young
gentleman before alluded to—threatened to kick the
offender wherever he met him, but we haven’t heard
of the recontre coming off yet.) The incident, as nar-
rated to us (it chanced a little before our time), happened
as follows:
There came, ostensibly from ISTew Orleans, a handsome
dashing lady, with a French title, who, taking up her res-
idence at our Establishment—we presume she had a letter
of introduction, or Mrs.------ wouldn’t have admitted
her—speedily excited quite a fureur of admiration among
the male boarders. She smiled so sweetly, talked so affa-
bly, had such a piquant foreign accent, such delicious
nciive ways, that all the gentlemen adored her, and
brought home bouquets and opera tickets innumerable.
The ladies, too, though naturally disposed to contemn a
pretty woman, could not resist her stories of the Empress
Eugenie, and the Parisian court. They consulted her
about the fashions, and were emulous of her company on
Broadway. The bushy-whiskered boarder presented her
with a lap-dog, and wanted her to read Racine to the
Society. The weak-eyed young gentleman put himself
us on the strength of his individual experience. He may n’t have
known the true position of his fair co-boarders. Half the ladies who
are compelled (of course by the villainy of their husbands) to effect a
divorce, immediately sink antecedents and start as Misses,N E Wr YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
1 45
through a severe course of French, in order to pay her
compliments in her native language. Even Mrs.--------re-
laxed her dignity toward her pretty boarder—and told
her in confidence divers particulars as to the habits and
dispositions of the gentlemen. Which, as subsequently
appeared, she turned to advantage.
Presently, however, awful rumors came to ear, of her
being seen with gentlemen on the avenues, in fast-going
buggies, and at theatres. It was remarked that though
she had a large circle of male acquaintances, no lady visit-
ors ever called upon her. Certain milliners and dress-
makers, to whom she had become known through the
medium of the boarders, began to complain of large out-
standing debts. She occasionally disappeared for a week
or so, avowedly on journeys to Washington, where, she
said, she had friends. Finally Mrs.------- met her, one
evening, in Broadway, in company with one of the mar-
ried gentlemen boarders, disguised in male costume.
A furious row took place in consequence, in which the
7146
NEW YORK BOARDING -HOUSES.
Frenchwoman made use of language—as Mrs. ----- de-
clared—absolutely unmentionable. The crisp-looking capi-
talist had .to be called in to effect her removal. Two days
afterward another gentleman (not the one who had as-
sisted at the promenade a la Amazon, but also a married
man), deserted his wife to join her. They sailed for
Havana by that week’s steamer. And, from some re-
marks dropped on our arrival, we fancy that nearly all the
male boarders had been privately and extensively victim-
ized in the way of loans to the lady.
CHAPTER XVII.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHERE YOU’RE EXPECTED TO MAKE
LOVE TO THE LANDLADY.
yr house a moderately-sized, timber-framed one, some
istance up-town, in a side street, leading off from one of
le avenues. Close by were handsome mansions of free-
fcone and granite, presenting a genuine ~New York con-
rast to the unpretending tenement, which, with a couple
•f neighboring houses, stood modestly back some dozen
ards or so from the line of the newly built street, the
;pace thus gained being laid out as gardens. Altogether
|\ dominant peculiarity, we
^ so entitle the Chapter.
E had known more than
one Establishment which
possessed this character-
istic in an imperfectly de-
veloped degree, but until
Destiny, foreseeing our
present task, guided us
to the abode we are about
to describe, never had
we beheld it in full com-
pleteness. As it was the
The landlady in ques-
tion was a large widow,148
T II£ PHYSIOLOGY O F
the spot was unique in its way, and but for the clatter of
the passing cars you might have fancied it rather out-oi-
town-ish. The widow had lived there some years before
commencing keeping a Boarding-House. We should
scarcely have fancied it a favorable locality for one, but
Boarding-Houses in New York are like dust in summer
and mud in winter—everywhere.
The place was recommended to us by a recent inmate,
notwithstanding the circumstance of his having quitted it
in disgrace, in consequence of the perpetration of a
wretched pun over the breakfast table. (He had alluded
to the “ Tragic Mews” in connection with sausages.) The
landlady was very sensitive and would n’t overlook the
often se. He also thought of getting married, which act of
presumption she highly resented, considering her boarders’
allegiance as due to herself alone. Thus forewarned,
we became an inmate of the widow’s domicile. Just then
we were desirous of a quiet abode, having considerable
literary labor on hand. We did the Parisian correspond-
ence for two Sunday papers, supplied a third with a
“thrilling local romance” (entitled the Ghouls of Gotham,
or the Magnanimous Mangle woman and the Blood-
Stained Shirt), wrote testimonials for five patent medi-
cines, rhyming advertisements for a puffing tailor, and
also composed tracts for a religious Society.*
We found things pretty satisfactory. The house was
neatly furnished and very cleanly, the diet of endurable qual-
ity, and not worse cooked than we naturally expected in a
* Those entertaining little books, so well calculated to diffuse spirit-
ual instruction among the humbler classes of our city population, and
known as “a New Birth for Newsboys,” ‘"Pea-Nuts and Perdition,”
“ The Hydrant of G-race,” etc., are from our pen. We mention the
fact in order to damage their sale, as we did n’t get paid for writing
them.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
140
Boarding-House, the landlady good-humored (especially
toward a new boarder), and there were no children, the
youngest resident being a lad of thirteen. Mrs.----had
a family of five, three of whom were yet inmates of their
mother’s dwelling. We shall speak of them presently,
our immediate attentions being due to the lady.
She was a fat, jolly-looking, sun-flower of a woman, a
little over forty, and had doubtless been a showy beauty
in her day, which the fact of her having contracted a very
early marriage also corroborated. Of course, being the
mistress of a Boarding-House, she had seen better days.
Her husband, according to his widow’s account, was a
speculative builder, whose various enterprises had ter-
minated in bankruptcy, before the word had become
synonymous with assigning a few cool thousands over to
a relative, ignoring one’s debts, and making a fresh start
in life. He, she said, had adored her, and would relate
plenty of instances of his affection ; giving you to under-
stand that when he died her heart was broken into so
many bits that she did n’t care about trying to rivet them
together ; and the “ fount of her tears sealed up.” Which
probably explained her present lively and somewhat selfish
zest for existence.
There are women on whom it’s unsafe to bestow too
much affection; who may be petted like lap-dogs, into
becoming nuisances to themselves and the community.
Our landlady wras of this kind, and we’re inclined to think
her husband had helped to spoil her. All her character-
istics—ostensibly genial and jolly enough—radiated from
one center of unconscious egotism. She believed herself
to be a very phoenix of widows—the most unselfish,
vrarm-hearted, and undeservedly persecuted of mortals.
(The latter in consequence of the reverse of fortune fol-
lowing her husband’s bankruptcy.) What she had gone150
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OF
through “ nobody could have any idea of.” All the world
had behaved shamefully to her, and if she forgave it, ’twas
only in virtue of her angelic nature. As with the past, so
with the present. A long arrear of comfort being due, it
was her duty to take it out as energetically as possible.
She had a right to expect things to be “made easy” now,
and that every body, especially her children, should immo-
late themselves to her.
Her remaining characteristics were congenial. She had
a good appetite, and went to church twice every Sunday,
on the principle of securing snug quarters in the next
world as well as the present. She was vehement in her
likes and dislikes, generally expressing herself in a violent
and explosive manner. She got unnecessarily enthusiastic
or denunciatory on the smallest provocation, and if you
did n’t tune your humor by hers, vms offended. When
pleased, she laughed inordinately; when angry, became red
in the face and assumed an inflated appearance, which, in
a lady of her size, was undesirable. Only by making love
to her—hot, strong, and frequent—could you secure and
retain her good graces.
We were rather amazed, at first (despite our friend’s
information), at the extent to which this rule appeared to
be practiced. Mrs.--------- presiding at the head of the
table in a rich plum-colored dress—she specially affected
such tints as made her look larger and hotter—sat blush-
ing and blooming like a big cabbage-rose, or over-blown
peony, while half a dozen men vied with each other during
the intervals of mastication, in affected rivalries and rhap-*
sodies on the subject of her charms. The enthusiastic,
the jocular, the hopeless, the matter-of-fact, the jealous
lover each found a representative; each part being cari-
catured to the utmost capacity of the actor. We soon
found it was a recognized institution, and as much looked-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
151
for on the part of Mrs.-------as one’s weekly payments.
She would as willingly have pretermitted the one as the
other. Unless you had a morbid inclination for indifferent
commons, short answers, and sulky glances, you straight-
way followed suit and played your best trump cards of
compliment.
You couldn’t blaze away too hot or heavily; nor need
you be over choice as to the quality of your ammunition.
Be sentimental, comic, serious, what you would—suit your-
self—only recollect you were expected to be in love with
Mrs.------, and to talk accordingly. (We wTent in for the
gloomy and sardonic, and were considered eminently suc-
cessful in that line.) Every body had his role. You,
could n’t get along at all, without complying. And, as
“ in a multitude of counselors there is safety,” so,' among
a host of burlesque admirers each one may comfort him-
self with the thought that there’s little danger of his in-
dividual victimization. Had not this impression been uni-
versal we might have been staggered at the daring of
gentlemen boarders.
In truth, it was all very innocent, though supremely
ridiculous. We don’t think our landlady had any inten-152
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
tiou of getting married, unnatural as the assertion—in
connection with a widow—may sound. Very probably
she would have demurred against any formal renunciation
to that effect, preferring to retain, though in a hazy, in-
definite shape, the pleasurable self-elation instinctively
awakened in the feminine mind in conjunction with the
subject. But we are convinced such speculations would
remain such. Not that she entertained a moment’s doubt
of the possibility of their realization, for she certainly lay
down each night with the conviction that not a male
boarder but would have been happy to have succeeded
the departed builder. We suppose her immense appreci-
ation of general incense operated as a check to prevent
her narrowing her (presumed) sway to a single wor-
shiper. It was a sjDecies of innocent feminine Mormon-
ism. And without asserting that she received such indis-
criminate homage as perfectly genuine, we yet maintain
that she had no doubt of its being based on fact.
As intimated, the number of boarders was limited, con-
sisting of five bachelors, one married man, and a solitary
spinster. The men had employment down town, where
they remained till evening, at which time (our sojourn oc-
curred in winter) there was a general re-union. A small
annuity afforded our only lady boarder the means of sub-
sistence. She was a little squeezed-up-looking old maid,
addicted to snuff and India-rubber over-shoes (which she
wore in-doors), subject to colds in the head, and generally
antagonistic to the landlady and to street organs. The
“ goings on” of the one and the performances of the
other always excited her lively indignation. Hence the
boarders were prodigal of gallantries and cents in devel-
oping both peculiarities. We have known Italian min-
strelsy to be in operation in front of the house from 8 to
12 p.m. Upon which occasion Miss--------, after an abortiveNEW YOEK BOA 11 DING-HOUSES.
153
attempt to salute the offending musician with the contents
of her ewer, denounced every body, and went to bed with
cotton in her ears. She was also extremely fastidious as to
questions of propriety. Our apartment adjoined hers, and
we believe she spent the night of our arrival in cramming
curl-papers into every conceivable chink and cranny inter-
vening ; besides telling the landlady with a shudder of
horror, on the following morning, that she actually heard
“the feller” pull his boots off. We believe she would
have quitted the Establishment but for some feeble de-
signs on the celibacy of the landlady’s elder born.
This was a tall, round-faced, light-haired, and whisker-
less young man of three-and twenty, who might, intellect-
ually, have been described by a homely metaphor in use
among housewives, as “ rather slack-baked.” He did n’t
approve of theaters, could n’t endure tobacco, liked Miss
Warner’s novels and Tupper’s poems, attended a Bible-
class on Sunday afternoons, and was publicly snubbed and
depreciated by his mother—it being, indeed, that excel-
lent matron’s custom to treat him as though he were a
natural fool upon all occasions. She’d tell him, when in
conversation with others, to hold his tongue, and not to
expose himself. She would narrate particulars of his en-
tertaining hopeless passions for a series of young ladies,
and generally indulge in confidences calculated to make a
listener get hot and uncomfortable—when in presence of
their hero. Her second-born was in California. Ho. 3 came
home but seldom, being employed as a governess in an
up-town family. H o.. 4 was a very pretty girl of fifteen,
with soft, bright eyes, and curling hair, and of a most
lively but variable temperament. Her mother bad a trick
of discovering entirely imaginary attachments on the part
of young gentlemen for this daughter, and warmly abet-
ting or indignantly repelling them. Ho. 5 (the youngest154
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
of the family) was a singular youth, who nourished wild
ideas about constructing an omnibus, using cats or goats
as a propulsive power, and making a large fortune on
Broadway by devoting his vehicle to the accommoda-
tion of fashionable youth. With which view he haunted
lumber-yards, soliciting contributory bits of wood from
the proprietors, and, also, set traps of clothes’ lines and
balls pf twine in the back-yard, to secure the necessary
quadrupeds. When the family met together, a great deal
of kissing always took place. They were very affectionate.
You could n’t spend an evening in their company without
witnessing at least two or three osculatory performances.
Mrs.------would set them at it on the smallest provoca-
tion or none at all.
But our reminiscences of her Establishment are not en-
tirely of a whimsical character. We have alluded to the
existence of a married boarder, who, in spite of that quali-
fication, was rather a favorite of the landlady’s, and, in-
deed, of the lodgers generally. A lively little Italian, with
jet black eyes and curly beard, he worked hard at his
trade of jeweler all day, and played the fiddle of even-
ings. He had a laugh and friendly word for everybody,
and a perfect dictionary of compliments in broken English
for Mrs.	, to whom he confided all his hopes and ex-
pectations.--His wife and family were in Italy. Six
months back he had sent money for their transmigration
through the medium of a fellow-countryman, who had
proved dishonest. In due time he was again enabled to
forward the necessary sum, and, presently, to announce
with infinite glee and excitement, their embarkation. Day
by day he counted the time which must elapse between it
and the probable date of their arrival. When the ship
became due he could scarcely contain himself, and his
interest communicated itself in a minor degree to theNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
255
boarders, who always looked in the morning’s papers
for the desired intelligence. It never appeared.
It was savage winter weather, and men talked of terri-
ble storms at sea. There were vague guesses and conjec-
tures as to the cause of the detention of a missing vessel,
hopes growing fainter, week after week, and, at last, a
shuddering conviction that far down in the solemn depths
of the Atlantic the luckless ship lay, and that the poor
Italian would see his wife and children Nevermore—.
His grief was piteous to look upon. And one unquiet
night, when the wind blew with a dull, hollow clamor
awesome to listen to, when the casements rattled as
though shaken by wrathful hands, when the snow-flakes
fell fast and blindingly in the face of the pedestrian, and
newly coated the dirt piles in our never-cleaned streets—
the poor Italian crept home—to die. He was found, on
the following morning, stark and cold in bed, but with a
quiet smile on his face. He had taken poison.CHAPTER XVIII.
OF ANOTHER MEAN BOARDING-HOUSE.
IMXIS Establishment—
- which, in point of
pretensions, might rank
between those described
in Chapters the Fifth
and Eleventh—is now
happily extinct; we
therefore, as usual,
speak of it in the past
tense.
It was located in a dozy, shady street, particularly
affected by hand-organs and children, and not far from St.
John’s Square. Exteriorly, a plain, substantial, red-brick
edifice—interiorly, a decent, though meagerly-furnished
one—gastronomicallj, a mean one. And as its meanness
developed itself after a peculiar fashion and led to singu-
lar results, we devote this chapter to particulars.
The landlady—familiarly known as “the Ogress,” or
“ Meat-ax,” from a presumed resemblance of her coun-
tenance to that instrument—was a thin, spare, hollow-eyed
woman of fifty, with a curiously-cracked voice, an over-
allowance of nerves, a daughter of similar construction,
and an elderly husband—originally, we believe, a bellows-
maker. He had, however, long abandoned business, beingNEW YORK BOA E DING- HOUSES.
157
afflicted with rheumatism, and now devoted himself to
chewing tobacco, and the marketing of the Establish-
ment. Miss -------, though a virgin of six-and-twent y,
might have been mistaken for her own mother, but for
one happy peculiarity of feature. She had a particularly
large nose, and although the Slawkenbergian promontory
was forcibly defined throughout the family, hers rendered
the others decidedly insignificant. She always rose at an
unnaturally early hour on winter mornings (and, like most
persons guilty of that unpleasant virtue, “ took it out” of
mankind in talking of it), thought she looked “cunning”
in a leathern belt, and hated the boarders. We shall have
more to say hereafter of her remaining characteristics.
The inmates of the Establishment were mostly of the
male sex, and fluctuated from ten to twenty, generally in-
clining toward the lesser number, half of whom were
our personal acquaintances. But for this, our stay would
have been very brief. Companionship makes almost any
thing endurable. No doubt one’s objections toward
being hanged would be considerably lightened were a
dozen friends to share the same fate. At least, the prin-
ciple proved correct with regard to the comparatively
minor miseries of the Mean Boarding-House.
If our landlady and daughter had been brought up
in entire ignorance of the primitive arts of eating and
drinking—never discovering that people did such things
until the respective ages of five-and-forty and twenty-one
—they could n’t have regarded all gastronomic indulg-
ences with greater severity. Appetite, in their eyes,
was not only the Seven Deadly Sins combined, but the
Unpardonable One into the bargain. The very genius of
Famine might have been the familiar Lar (or household
deity) of the Establishment. We will endeavor to de-
scribe its domestic—not economy—but parsimony.158
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
You took your place at the dinner-table, observing that
the bread was cut very thin, and the butter contained in
one of the smallest plates you had ever seen out of a doll’s
house. When the dish covers were removed—by the
daughter (for Mrs.-----kept no “ wasteful slut of a serv-
ant”), you found cause for astonishment at the small
quantity and meager quality of the food provided. Be
assured that you would be helped in proportion. You
got a minute fragment of meat which could easily be dis-
posed of in three mouthfuls. Influenced by modesty, you
made five of it. After a hungry pause, you sent your
plate up again (waiting, under the wild expectation of
being ashed, always, proved ineffective), and obtained a
still smaller moiety of meat, but a liberal allowance of
bones. When, being a new boarder, you despairingly
fell back upon the potatoes (there were plenty of them),
drank large quantities of water, and allowed your plate to
be removed, with the secret resolution of “ making up”
at the expense of the pastry—in which you were again
baffled—unless you liked pies made of tomatoes with the
skins on, and sweetened with watered molasses.
Such, in general, was a new boarder’s initiatory expe-
rience, which he might be expected to endure for from
one day to six, according to his temperament. Hunger,
however, invariably stimulated him into energy. He sent
his plate up repeatedly, three—-four—five times. He
made dashes at the bread with his fork, indecently impaling
and securing half-a-dozen pieces. He arrogantly demanded
that remote dishes of vegetables should be passed to him.
He ignored the necessities of his neighbors, yet felt a sav-
age pleasure in handing the pickles that they might still
further provoke already exasperated appetites. He gnawed
bones, and sopped up gravy with his bread. He began
to look upon the landlady and her daughter as his naturalNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
3 59
enemies, and to wonder whether a chameleon did n’t suffer
a good deal in getting used to its mode of life. He re-
membered the lady-ghoule in the Arabian Nights, who fed
herself by picking up grains of rice with a pin, and shud-
dered at the possibility of Mrs. and Miss-------resorting in
private to the other diet attributed to that person. He
speculated as to whether they might not have some relative
engaged in the undertaking business. He became suspicious
of their retiring to snug after-dinners in the basement,
and vented such opinions to fellow boarders. He felt
himself capable of appreciating that hungriest of books,
the Adventures of Lazarillo de Tormes (in case he had
read it), and thought Cannibalism, in cases of disasters at
sea, perfectly justifiable. Finally he grew very thin, and
went away, took extraneous meals at restaurants, or re-
sorted to such surreptitious proceedings as we shall have
occasion to relate of ourselves.
It has been stated that the landlady was nervous, and
that her daughter shared that characteristic. Now this
rendered both especially impressible to unpleasant inci-
dents, such as fires, murders, and other social calamities,
and it was easy to adapt the feeling to the production of
desirable results. As thus. Each boarder (sharing the
secret) would, on making his appearance at the dinner-
table, relate some harrowing circumstance as having oc-
curred under his individual notice, or reported in the
newspapers. (None were taken at the Mean Boarding-
House, from motives of economy.) Now it was told how
an Irishwoman had scraped her twin children to death
with oyster shells, or severed their heads from their bodies
with a fragment of looking-glass ; now, how a member of
Congress had scalped a political opponent, on the floor of
the House, after gouging out one of his eyes, or biting off
one of his ears; now, particulars would be vouchsafed of160
T II E P IF Y S I O L O Cr Y OF
ail awful conflagration, in which Ithe entire inhabitants of
a Lunatic Asylum had been roasted alive in their cells ;
now, how a band of emigrants on the overland journey
to California had been impelled by starvation to become
Anthropophagi, commencing by eating up all the old wo-
men. Upon which Mrs.----------and her daughter would
start and shudder, beg the gentlemen to desist, resort to
smelling salts, and finally retire precipitately from the
room—when the triumphant boarders (who did n’t at all
mind Mr.------) were able to help themselves. And though
our landlady must, in time, have had suspicions of the
apochryphal nature of these narratives, it Vas but seldom
that she could resist their influence. Miss---did, some
times. Occasionally the boarders varied the dodge by the
narration of hideous dreams.
Nor was this all. Hunger, says the proverb, will break
through stone walls—how much more, then, the silent
watches of the night ? A nocturnal foray having discovered
the existence of a huge padlock on the kitchen-door (the
key of which Mrs. ------- deposited, every night, beneath
her pillow), some brilliant spirit—anticipating the expe-
dient of Mr. Sparrowgrass—suggested whether it might
not be practicable to descend into that culinary locality
by means of the dumb-waiter, by which dishes were
hoisted up to the dining parlor. One trial—as advertise-
ments say—proved the fact. The shelves being removed,
the lightest weight of the party could, with comparative
ease, deposit himself therein, and in that position was
carefully lowered below, from whence he sent up the en-
tire contents of the larder. We shall never forget the
mute astonishment which greeted the appearance of a
turhey—of whose plump carcass comparatively little had
vanished ! That turkey was an entire stranger to us !
Our darkest suspicions were confirmed. It was true,NEW YORK BOAEDING-IIOUBES,
161
then! The family catered for themselves on a different
scale than for their famished boarders.
Could Mrs.-------have descended from her third-floor-
front into that back-parlor, at the ghostly hour of mid-
night, she would have beheld a spectacle which might
have irrecoverably damaged her nerves for the remainder
of her existence. Six hungry individuals, in shirt sleeves,
and similar free and easy deshabille, with a goodly array
of viands before them—for our discoveries did not end
with the turkey—were seated at the table, by the light
of the half-turned gas-jet, in subdued revelry—even as
though spectres, or double-gangers, as the Scotch term
the apparitions of living persons, were mimicking our
mid-day proceedings. ~No shadowy repast, however, was
it, but the most satisfactory one we had eaten within
those walls. A second descent with empty dishes and
the skeleton fowl, concluded our proceedings, and then,
with a full stomach and tranquil conscience, each individ-
ual sought his pillow.102
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Our landlady’s countenance wore a troubled look on
the following morning. She said not a word, but ap-
peared horribly suspicious. We turned the conversation
on Spiritualism, and instances were related of singular
freaks on the part of supernatural visitors, such as com-
mitting robberies, setting fire to houses, etc. We also
talked of mortal burglars. Mrs.------- preserved a grim
silence. It was plain that she distrusted her boarders’
agency in over-night’s proceedings.
Her husband had a conference with the policeman of the
vicinity and induced him by a promise of prospective
dollars (to be paid on the capture of imaginary delin-
quents), to watch the area of the house during the hours
of night and early morning. But, as may be imagined, no
discovery ensued from that quarter. And the policeman
—not getting the reward—subsequently revenged himself
by violently ringing the street-door-bell between the
hours of 3 and 4 on several consecutive mornings, as also
by throwing ash-barrels into the area. “ Stolen waters
are sweet,” and we have Solomon’s testimony as to the
attractions of “ bread eaten in secret.” Our midnight
revels were continued, at such intervals as prudence dic-
tated, until an unlucky contretemps marred all. Our
light-weight voyager chancing to be sick one night—we
believe alternate hunger and plenty disagreed with him—
a heavier friend volunteered to descend in his place. It
was with much difficulty that he contrived to squeeze
himself into the recess, and, as he descended, the rope—
alas !—broke— ! A swift, sharp, rattling sound, followed
by a heavy concussion—and, we shame to say it, his com-
panions fled, leaving him to his fate. He spent the night
on the kitchen dresser, among innumerable cockroaches,
and nearly frightened Miss-------into a fit when she un-
locked the door on the following morning. IsTor did lieNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
10
wait the advent of the landlady to decide on his certain
expulsion, but hurrying his personal property into a valise,
incontinently decamped, with no other words than sufficed
to convey a strong sense of indignation at the conduct of
his fellow-boarders. And—we blush to record it—the en-
tire blame of our midnight ravages was permitted to rest
on his memory. His behavior and appetite were voted
atrocious.
But all of us had to follow very speedily. After this
untoward discovery our landlady locked the doors of both
parlors, regularly, at ten o’clock, and for a time insisted on
her husband sleeping on the dining-table, as an additional
security. We could hear him snoring, even on the second
floor, where we were domiciled in a small apartment in
which the proverbial feat of “ swinging a cat,” could not
certainly have been accomplished without damage to the
head or tail of the animal. Mr.--------wras a terrific snorer.
The boarders asserted that his wife had to plug her ears
with cotton in order to avoid being kept awake by his
incessant performance on thenasocleide. But to the cause
of our removal.
The increased strictness of discipline, then, reduced us
to the most painful privations, which came to a crisis on
the landlady’s going out of town, and leaving her daugh-
ter to assume official responsibilities. That well-nosed
virgin, whether influenced by a deep sense of the trust
reposed in her, a desire to merit it, or natural parsimony,
exerted herself so as to bring matters almost to the famine
pitch. She laid in a large quantity of salt mackerel—
such as one sees barreled and steeping in strong-smelling,
mustard-colored liquor about the streets abutting on the
North River—and intensely pickled pork, upon which
dainties we were dieted, without the slightest variety, for
a whole week. It is true, however, that different modes104
N E W YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
of cooking these delicacies were resorted to—the prevail-
ing one being interring and then baking them in batter—
thus producing a sort of pudding. More detestable culi-
nary compositions it might be impossible to imagine.
The seventh appearance of these at the dinner-table
produced an open rebellion. In ominous silence each
boarder received his moiety of the obnoxious food, allow-
ing it to remain, untasted, before him, until all were
served. And then, at a given signal (the ring-leader’s
blowing his nose violently), each conspirator suddenly
reversed his plate and its contents on the table-cloth,
rose, wheeled about, and gravely stalked from the room.
Miss-----uttered a sharp little scream, her father an in-
coherent exclamation, the boarders uncognizant of the
secret stared in blank amazement, as the defiant ones,
closing the door with a bang, sought an adjacent restau-
rant, there to dine in plenty and triumph—only returning
at a late hour for their baggage.
* % % % * *
We have already mentioned that the Mean Boarding-
House has ceased to exist. . Some unhappy man—Heaven
knows why—married the daughter, and Mrs.--------(now
a widow—for her husband has gone to that bourne, where,
it is to be presumed, tobacco and rheumatism are not)—
resides with her son-in-law. May he possess the endur-
ance necessary to sustain the combined afflictions!CHAPTER XIX.
THE FAMILY HOTEL OX BROADWAY.
WHITE marble or
free-stone front,
extending from
one to two hun-
dred feet on the
fashionable side
of our princi-
pal thoroughfare,
and six or seven
stories high — a
main entrance
over twenty feet
wide, and a hundred deep, with private ones in proportion
■—offices, saloons, parlors, ladies’ and gentlemen’s recep-
tion-rooms, dining-rooms, reading-rooms, bath-rooms, bar-
rooms, ordinaries and tea-rooms—apartments of ail sizes
and degrees of luxury; rosewood furniture, velvet tapes-
try, gorgeous chandeliers, huge mirrors, fresco paintings,
high ceilings, a stair-case twelve feet wide, with landing-
places over twenty, on each floor—accommodations for
four or five hundred guests, armies of waiters, a heating
apparatus located ig a rear street, a throng of idlers at the
door, arriving and departing vehicles, people up-stairs,
down-stairs, and in my lady’s chamber—all this, and how166
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
much more, is suggested by the words “a Broadway
Hotel ?”
In a preliminary chapter we have intimated that this
class of Establishments scarcely comes under our province.
Though possessing their characteristic, and indeed indi-
vidual features, they are conducted upon so vast a scale
as to afford but little scope for the portrayal of those per-
sonal traits which form so large an aggregate in less com-
prehensive structures. Boarders in a hotel may know
much or little of each other, according to mutual in-
clination, but, necessarily, only the outside and general
aspects of character will be visible. You can’t sketch
very minutely in the midst of a crowd, and might as well
attempt to describe the doings and peculiarities of the in-
habitants of an entire street as to take pen-photographs
of the various and ever-changing guests of the Cosmopol-
itan, St. Nicodemus, or other “ traveler’s houses.” The
man who sits beside you at dinner is as much a stranger
as he who jostles past you in Broadway. He may be either
a senator or swindler, and you are as little surprised, three
days hence, to learn that he is a millionaire, as that he’s
going to be hanged.
In truth these lordly caravansaries are no bad types of
our civilization—being very splendid, very showy, very
pretentious, very expensive, very uncomfortable, and con-
taining all sorts of incongruous elements. Whether both
be not susceptible of considerable improvement, might be
a question of some delicacy. We (of course) have un-
bounded faith in social democracy, and are not prepared
to deny that living in a big Broadway Hotel is the neplus
ultra of existence.
* % * % * *
The one we purpose to speak of claims a place in our
volume over grander competitors, in consequence of itsNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
167
possessing (in common with a few others) something akin
to a private character. Families affect it rather than
transitory boarders, though there are, occasionally, plen-
tiful sprinklings of the latter. But the population is
neither so migratory nor so large—and therefore the
better fitted for our portrayal.
We shall not describe its location, general appearance,
or detail management. We don’t know its landlord. He
may have commenced life as a waiter, bar-tender, hotel-
clerk, or steamboat-steward—-from each of which avoca-
tions (we are told) landlords of big New York Hotels
have risen. He may be a gentleman of education and
refinement, or as ignorant as a newly-imported Irishman
or a poor Southerner, for aught we know to the contrary.
Certainly his Establishment is an ably-ruled one, and his
guests’ senses as luxuriously catered for as in more pre-
tentious rivals. Upward of two hundred persons find
temporary or permanent accommodations within its
walls.
The latter belong to a class we have already had occa-
sion to speak of as constituting the majority of the in-
mates of the Tip-Top Boarding-House. Perhaps they ’re a
trifle wealthier, but this is by no means certain. Young
lawyers and lawyer-politicians, editors, publishers, opera
singers, and professional men generally; a few Broadway
store-keepers, brokers from Wall-street, and down town
merchants—these, single and married, with many others
of less definable position and vocations, live in our Fam-
ily Hotel. Men of independent incomes, fast youths who
are not only aware that their “ old man was born before
them,” but have also arrived at the pleasing conviction
that his industry, or acquisitiveness, has anticipated any
necessity for labor%n their part (except it be in the way
of getting rid of the parental dollars); families from the168
T II 12 PHYSIOLOGY O F
country (during the winter months); wives who like
“ societywidows who wish to change that title, or who
have grown-up daughters, and egotistic old bachelors—all
who, influenced by fashion, inclination, dislike to the re-
sponsibilities, or indifference to the pleasures and sanctity
of home, may be supposed to prefer the mode of life—are
here, New Yorkers preponderating. Some have boarded
from year to year, being quite habitues of the place, and
entertaining no intention of quitting it. Others accept it
as a period of transitory splendor, to be merged into the
obscurity of private boarding, or housekeeping, when in-
crease of family or shortness of means compels.
Perhaps, in the latter case, antecedent hotel experiences
hardly conduce to future happiness, or to fit either wife
or husband for the cheerful performance of their respect-
ive duties. Let us glance, though cursorily, at the inev-
itable routine of life in our fashionable caravansary.
Being emancipated from all those household minister-
ings, and little domestic cares which are so truly degrad-
ing to the feminine character, lady-boarders have leisure
to devote themselves to the more intellectual arts of dress,
and general fascination. In a fashionable hotel you must
dress fashionably—of course. Who could think of sitting
down to a dinner at which two hundred guests assemble
—where, at a given signal, an equal number of carefully-
drilled waters remove the dish-covers with a dexterous
flourish of their white-gloved hands—where a band of
music, in full blast, accompanies general mastication—in
other than ball costume, or something very near it. In-
deed, even in the forenoon, what lady, with any respect
for herself, would risk the chance of being seen in a plain
morning-frock ? Though, to be sure, we have heard of
high-born dames in England and Fran$e (whom, as simple
republicans, we are naturally anxious to resemble) doNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	1G '■)
dress at such times with exceeding simplicity. But per-
haps they can’t afford to do better. Any way the wives
and daughters of free-born Americans have a right to
sport their silks and satins at what hour of the day they
please, whether in the boudoir, public sitting-room, or on
Broadway. What’s the use of dressing like a rainbow
gone mad, if people are not to look at you ?
At our Family Hotel, during the winter season, weekly
balls are a regular institution; and these, it is said, form no
small attraction to boarders, some abandoning private resi-
dences in order to secure admission to them. They are
got up on a scale of unexampled splendor. How, perhaps,
there can be no pleasanter social spectacle than upward
of a thousand handsomely-dressed ladies and gentlemen
in a brilliantly-lighted ball-room, intent on mutual enjoy-
ment ; yet, it may be questioned whether such periodical
indulgences are conducive to the production of domestic
tastes in man or woman. A young wife is not in the best
of health or temper on the morning subsequent to six
hours’ active performance of polkas, cotillions, quadrilles,
schottisches, etc. Hor is her husband in the best order
for going down town, subsequent to those dozen bottles
of champagne disposed of in company with a few jolly
fellows in the supper-room, after the ladies had “got
through.”
But, says the lady reader, you would n’t have people
always mewed up in their own apartments? There’s
little cause for apprehension on that score in our Hotel.
Stroll into the drawing-room of an evening, you will see
they know how to amuse themselves. If Mrs. A is co-
quetting with B, who can blame her ? She is young, and
pretty, and rather neglected by A, who has contracted a
taste for billiards and dissipation generally, and is proba-
bly rather drunk in some adjacent bar-room at the pres-
8no
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ent moment. In fact, his wife has nothing to do but flirt
—and does it accordingly. And if C (who is a married
man, and ought to know better), is talking eloquently to
Miss D on some subject which brings the blood to her
cheeks (rendering her rouge unnecessary for the moment)
—people must be sociable when they meet in the same
saloon, evening after evening; ’Tis their own fault if
worse occur. Yet perhaps it’s not always advisable to
run such risks, as a big hotel must inevitably present.
Among two hundred persons some few may be characters
one w^ould n’t wish to see one’s wife waltzing with. It is,
however, but justice to say that there are boarders as ex-
clusive in their habits as is possible.
Both ladies and gentlemen finding so many attractions
soliciting their attention, it is but little wonder that the
claims of the rising generation are overlooked, or, at least,
injudiciously provided for. Sanitary people assert that
children’s appetites demand little beyond bread, milk,NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
m
water, sugar, light broths, and such simple diet; but
juvenile American stomachs are not to be dictated to
after that fashion. The boys and girls at our Family
Hotel have an especial table set for them, about an hour
earlier than their seniors’ dinner, where they indulge in
hot, unctuous soups, highly-spiced French cookery, stale
pastry re-warmed, dishes made indigestible with melted
butter, cakes, tarts, comfits, pickles, and sweetmeats.
Their breakfast comprises strong coffee, hot rolls, and
molasses. As for exercise, their mothers can’t be troubled
with them ^vhiie going out shopping, so they’re confined
to a room devoted to that purpose, or allowed the oppor-
tunity of running about the house, being chidden for en-
tering saloons, and listening to the oaths and improving
conversation of the waiters, or hearing them make love
to the chamber-maids. If they don’t thrive under this
treatment, but become excitable, nervous, and sick, the
doctor is called in to remedy matters.
—But then the children are always very prettily dressed.
If five hundred dollars can be used up in the way of lace,
embroidery, frills, rosettes, and ruffles on the person of a
“ blessed baby,” so much the better.
* * % * * *
It scarcely comes within our province to do more than
just hint at certain other peculiarities incidental to life in
a Hew York Hotel. Our instance of the lady-sharper in
the Tip-Top Boarding-House has often been dwarfed by
the ingenuity and audacity of chevaliers d?Industrie, as
exercised at the expense of both landlords and lodgers in
these giant Establishments, nor are swindlers of the softer
sex uncommon. We have heard of gentlemen of distin-
gue appearance being discovered with spoons in their
pockets; of ladies of equivocal character obtaining ad-
mission for equivocal purposes; even of mothers trusting172
NEW YORK. BOARDING-HOUSES.
to their own charms, or those of their daughters, to dis-
charge pecuniary obligations. But the last sounds like a
slander, and we don’t believe it.CHAPTER XX.
THE ARTISTS’ BOARDING-HOUSE.
RTISTS do not, in general,
affect Boarding-Houses.
Whether their profession
—which in some cases
appears to have a tend-
ency to the development
of eccentricities of cos-
tume and character—
renders them averse to
any routine existence, or
whether an untrammeled
life better accords with
the necessities of their position, we do not venture to de-
cide, simply stating the fact. Some prefer taking their
meals at restaurants, bivouacking at night in their studios
or offices amid the heterogeneous medley of articles only
to be seen in such places—as plaster-casts, boxing-gloves,
easels, squares of canvas, skulls, fencing-foils, portfolios,
pipes, armor, weapons, and sketches. This, though en-
durable enough in summer (when a bachelor on the right
side of thirty feels three fourths independent of the ne-
cessity of a home, and can stick upon his office-door the
inscription “ Gone to Nootka Sound—Back some time in
the Fall,” without consulting any body), isn’t agreeable
in winter. Camping on the floor with a buffalo-skin for
matrass and counterpane, a pair of boots and an old coatTHE PHYSIOLOGY OP
m
for a pillow, proves monotonous, not to say dreary when
the snow lies nine inches deep on the window sill; even if
you have n’t to journey to the next grocery-store in the
morning, for water to wash with, as the Croton is frozen in
your building. Therefore artists who like Robinson-Cru-
soe-ing in the summer, frequently board during winter.
It wTas under the latter aspect we had an opportunity of
observing them.
Bleecker-street is, par excellence, the street of Boarding-
Houses. What tenement is not a shop may be safely as-
sumed as devoted to the accommodation of the boarding
public. On summer evenings not a stoop but has its knot
of male boarders “ cooling off” after the heat of the day;
not an open parlor-window but frames loveliness enough
to knock any “ Book of Beauty” into a cocked hat; the
whole thoroughfare, indeed, presenting a continuous gal-
lery of metropolitan manhood and femininity. Our Artists’
Boarding-House was in Bleecker-street.
We remember its proprietress as the most deservedly
popular of landladies. She shone equally in her social and
professional capacities. Her temper and beef were beyond
all praise, her morality and mutton of the best quality. In
spite of fourteen years of Boarding-House life, she had
retained such refreshing simplicity of character as to be
totally ignorant of the meaning of the words “ brandy
toddy” (upon their utterance by one of the inmates of her
Establishment); to merely associate the idea of some
flexible substance with “ bender,” and to consider a work
of art alone suggested by “ bust.” She held very strict
notions of propriety, thinking that a husband ought not
to appear with his coat off, in his wife’s presence, under
any circumstances. She had a natural turn for match-
making, and believed that at least one marriage ought to
come off every year within her Establishment. And, finally,NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES,
175
she used to immolate herself on the altar of an old lady-
boarder who had her meals served in her own room, and
was a mysterious personage, generally.
There might have been from fifteen to twenty persons
resident at Mrs.-----’s, of whom half-a-dozen were artists.
Numerically, therefore, they were in the minority, socially
they assumed prominence enough to justify our selection
of the present Chapter’s title. We shall only speak of
the professional boarders.
None of the artists dined at Mrs.-------’s, save on Sun-
days; being engaged at their several studios, offices,
burins, etc., during the day, to reunite at evening. This
generally took place in the front basement, a largish room
on a little lower level than the side-walk—just the sort of
apartment ordinarily occupied by Doctors. Nominally
this chamber belonged to the two who slept in it, practically
to the artist fraternity. We shall take what the poet of
Idlewild denominates “ Hurrygraphs” of some of them.
Our first selection is the Comic Artist.
If there be a popular superstition to the effect that
“ funny men,” whether wielders of pen or pencil, are an
obstreperously hilarious generation, he was a signal con-
tradiction to it. You would n’t have noticed any thing
especially comic about him. He was an individual of quiet
exterior and observant eye. He had the air of a gentle-
manly fellow, with not too much to do on his hands, and a
steady conviction in his mind that he ought to be delib-
erately miserable. We once knew a Methodist minister
who, simultaneously with a bad attack of tooth-ache, lost
his situation in consequence of the generally terrific nature
of his discourses, which had driven several old women (of
both sexes) crazy. Well, our Comic Artist resembled
him—only he had a moustache, and seemed a little more
despondent, as being less assured of the safety of his soul.176
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
The amount of work he “ got through” with might
have amazed any body—but a Comic Artist. There
seemed no end to his labors. Ixion’s wheel, or Sisyphus’s
stone-rolling were nothing to them. Contemplating the
piles of “ big cuts,” “ little cuts,” “ cuts” of all shapes and
sizes, “cuts” for comic weeklies, “cuts” for comic month-
lies, book illustrations, magazine illustrations, designs for
posters—drawings in short of every conceivable and in-
conceivable character—contemplating these, we say, to
the unceasing production of which our artist’s time was
devoted, it is probable that the Tartarean gentlemen re-
cently mentioned had an easy time of it compared with
him. He must have used up whole forests of box-wood,
ship-loads of pencils, barrels of flake white, and quarries
of pumice-stone in the exercise of his profession !
In blazing away at the peccadilloes and follies of human
nature, he sometimes manifested a sublime independence
of the canons of art. His notions of proportion were
generally regulated by the size and quality of the box-wood
blocks he worked upon. The dislocation of a limb in
order to bring it into a certain part of the picture, or to
avoid a knot, was a little artistic license of which he fre-
quently availed himself. Pie would draw a disjointed
young man of the first fashion, eight feet high, conversing
with a fractured belle whose arms terminated at her
waist; in the back ground a number of dancers tripping
it on the light fantastic flat-iron—such being his notion of
feet; while a baboon—his conception of an Irishman—
handed round refreshments. But what were these little
defects in comparison with his merits, his exquisite per-
ception of the ludicrous, his instinctive love of the beau-
tiful, his pictorial-philoprogenitiveness, his extraordinary
powers of burlesque.
A greater contrast could hardly have been conceivedN JsT W YORK BOAEDINGr-HOUSES,
177
than was afforded by another boarder. Like the hero of
Tennyson’s ballad, he was a “ landscape-painter,” and quite
a young lady’s beau ideal of an artist. He had long, dark
hair, semi-melancholic eyes, a Vandykish beard. He wore
a wide-sleeved-and-slashed-black-velvet coat, a broad som-
brero hat, was over six feet high, and generally resembled
a consumptive younger brother of Charles the First of Eng-
land run to seed. (He did n’t look so poetic in his atelier
costume, a ragged jacket, pants on which he used to try
his brushes, and his hair tied behind with a bit of string.)
We called him the “ Picturesque Anachronism.”
He painted big pictures of mountain scenery with bril-
liant molasses foregrounds, cylindrical water, and impossr
ble Indians. (He spent half the year among the Catskills,
his rural attire comprising a few bowie-knives, sundry
hatchets, an alpenstock or mountain-pole shod with a
spike, and huge jack-boots.) His friends and companions
were at the pains—in consideration of his appearance—to
invent all sorts of startling and ingeniously-elaborated
narratives, wherein he figured as a heroic miscreant of
Southern birth, guilty of romantic villainies enough to set
him up as hero for a hecatomb of yellow-covered novels.
In point of fact, he hailed from down East, and had n’t
been further south than Philadelphia in his life. But to
this hour we suspect him of a latent admiration for the
character ascribed to him.
The others we shall dismiss more briefly. One .was a
young Englishman of unpleasantly rampant animal spirits,
addicted to practical jokes, to saying the most insulting
things with the most good-humored air in the world, and
to burlesque opera vocalization—in which he and another
of the party greatly excelled. We believe he had com-
menced art-life on a Panorama which did n’t pay—proba-
bly in consequence of his being engaged on it. He now
8*178
TIIF PHYSIOLOGY OF
drew for books and newspapers. A fourth had an intel-
lectual- Jack-Sheppardish physiognomy, and a queer, semi-
Manichean system of philosophy which inculcated that
nobody could be happy without somebody else being
simultaneously miserable. He painted in oil, and was
suspected of writing pretty songs and lively stories—with
artists for their heroes—for a Sunday newspaper. A fifth
played on the guitar; a sixth had a red beard, and wras very
near-sighted—which is all we can recollect about them.
These, then, constituted the Artist Community. The
basement in which they—to use a Scotticism—foregath-
ered, was characteristic of its frequenters. No amount of
attention on the part of the chamber-maids could make it
look tidy. All freshness and elasticity was squeezed out
of the beds by four or five gentlemen sitting or reclining
on them at the same time, amid tobacco ash and cigar
stumps. The chairs contained wash-basins full of indefinite-
colored water, which looked as if it had got black in the
face in trying to look like champagne. Plaster casts
blockaded the windows. Boxing-gloves resembling Scotch
Haggises (if that be the correct plural), or apple-pud-
dings suffering from the combined attacks of mumps,
yellow-jaundice, dropsy, and cramp, littered the floor.
Portfolios, yawning like sick oysters disgorging ill-
digested sketches, lay around. An easel and lay-figure
stood in a corner. Weapons, every one of which had
been used for some domestic purpose, from sharpening
pencils, toasting bread, opening oysters, cleaning pipes, to
poking the fire, covered the table, heterogeneously jum-
bled together with pumice-stone, crayons, crumbs, charred
wood, empty bottles, box-wood blocks, cards for whiten-
ing them, files begrimed with black-lead, Indian ink,
cigar-cases, sketches, cents, and illustrated newspapers.
Here our Artists sometimes worked nocturnally.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.	1 T9
Not always, though. They sometimes played. Drop-
ping in of an evening, you might find yourself the amazed
center of a half a dozen temporary lunatics indulging in
the wildest of gymnastics over chairs, beds, and tables.
Or a quiet conversation would be interrupted by the Eng-
lish artist (who, by-the-way, had contracted a playful
habit of hurling clubs at the head of any in-comer) com-
mencing a vocal imitation of the newest opera basso or
tenor, when the others joining in, you were incontinently
hurried into a Mahlstrom of melody. Or a boxing match
would be in progress. We remember how a gentleman
got knocked through his recently-completed picture—a
ten-feet-by-six one designed for academic exhibition.
During the opera season, however, the basement was
often untenanted of evenings, and always on Saturdays,
when the party attended a literary and artistic club held
at a German tavern, where they sang songs, told stories,
made puns, and drank lager-bier. If any of them returned
home keyless, between the hours of 1 and 2, they beat
devil’s-tattoos on the window-panes till admitted. They
lay very late in bed on the following mornings, but
didn’t lose their breakfasts—as the landlady was very180
T II IS PHYSIOLOGY OF
goocl-natured. Some manifested an indifference to the
meal, preferring a short pipe in bed.
Mrs.------was, indeed, the most good-humored of land-
ladies, and her house the pleasantest of which wre have
experience. She overlooked the rough usage of her base-
ment chairs. (The backs generally came out when one
sat upon them.) We don’t attribute the turning the
statuette of the Fighting Gladiator with his face to the
wall to her, but rather to the unnecessarily rampant mod-
esty of an Irish chamber-maid. We never saw her out
of temper but once—when certain of the boarders (not
artists) purloined a ham-bone from the pantry at midnight,
picked it, and deposited the osteological fragment on the
window-sill of the mysterious old lady; getting out of a
window on the roof of an out-house to effect the injurious
implication.
We don’t know if our artist friends are still resident in
her Establishment. The advent of summer attracts the
fraternity irresistibly from baked side-walks, pitiless sun-
glare, and simooms of city dust, to the blue cones of the
Catskills, the breezy heights of the White Mountains, the
giant lakes of the North, and other portions of American
Fairy Land. We may meet them again in winter.CHAPTER XXI.
THE VEGETARIAN BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS).
Ao ‘Y f 1ST commencing the
present Chapter we
would especially dis-
claim any intention
of describing a cer-
tain Establishment yet
extant among us. Of
that weknowno more
than that it is said to
be conducted on an
approach to—though
not strictly—Vegeta-
rian principles; and
that its proprietor has
the reputation of a
gentleman and a man
of science. Our Veg-
etarian Boarding-House is an entirely different affair; and,
to the best of our knowledge, ceased to exist upwards of
four years ago. Yet its peculiarities are worthy of pres-
ervation.
The tenement was one of those old-fashioned, comfort-
able-looking, red-brick ones margining the Battery. We
became a boarder partly in consequence of this location,THE PHYSIO L O O Y OF
1 82
though we acknowledge curiosity as our principal induce-
ment. It was sultry July weather, and we had n’t dol-
lars enough to compass rustication. We always loved the
Battery before the city authorities made a big dirt-pie of
it. The sparkling waters of the bay rippling in golden
sunlight, the pleasant rustle of leaves overhead, and the
shadow-checquered grass under foot were suggestive of
other than city life—and as for abstinence from flesh diet,
one does n’t feel very carnivorous in summer, and could
give one’s self a dispensation at a restaurant, if desirable.
So, obtaining an introduction to the proprietor, we became
an inmate of the Vegetarian Boarding-House.
He was a tall, spare man, with a large nose, light watery
eyes and but little hair, though
he wore a straggling hay-col-
ored beard. Like the wise
men of old he hailed from the
East. His life seemed to have
been spent similarly to those of
the Athenians in Scripture in
inquiring for new things. Not
an ism whether philosophic,
philanthropic or theologic, but
had, in its turn, subjugated
him. He had shower bathed his soul with Unitarianism,
frozen it up tight in Transcendentalism, thawed it out
with Universalism, besmoked it in Swedenborgianism,
knocked it higher than a kite with Millerism, let it putrify
in Mormonism, flayed it with Shaking-Quakerism, buried
it under General Negation, arid dug it up with Spiritual-
ism. He had kept a Water-cure Establishment, visited
Icaria, lived in a Phalanstery, and officiated as a Elder” at
Salt Lake. He had been ridden on a rail and tarred and
feathered, as an Abolitionist-lecturer, down South. HeN E W Y O R K B O A RPING-HOUSES,	1 8
had anticipated Neal Dow in the advocation of the Maine
Law. At the time of our sojourn in his Boarding-House
he devoted himself, almost exclusively, to Vegetarianism
and the Woman’s Rights movement.
His wife—taken after the Mormon episode—was a little
rigid woman, without eye-brows. If the reader can ima-
gine an elderly frog laboring under the combined miseries
of a severe stomach-ache and the conviction that he was
going insane and had better commit suicide, that will convey
some idea of the expression of her countenance. She always
dressed in black, wore very scanty frocks, black cotton
stockings, and thick shoes. She had accompanied her hus-
band in what may be designated his theologic and social
benders, in some cases preceding him. She was a keen
politician (Whole -Ticket- Died -in -the -Wool -Anti-Union-
Pro -Amalgamation -Anti-States-Rights-and-No -Backing-
Out Stripe), and studied anatomy with the view of prac-
ticing as Doctress. Happily for society in general, she
had no children.
There were but few boarders, our arrival completing
the half dozen—a select circle of originals as we ever en-
countered. Before discriminating them into individuals
we will speak of the Establishment generally.
Our landlady had as much faith in cold water as Preiss-
nitz or a mermaid. Her house, her person, her very cat
was over-washed. If it had rained in-doors all day long
the house could n’t have been wretter. From garret
to basement, both chambers and stair-case were always
in a more or less hydropathic condition. You turned
out for an unsuspecting walk of half an hour’s duration,
to find, on regaining your apartment, the chairs block-
ading the passage, the disjecta membra of your bed-
stead reclining against the wall, and a stout negress on
her hands and knees, scrubbing away with perseverance184
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
and energy worthy of a better cause. Perhaps Mrs.------
would be superintending—and quite ready to crush you
with sanatory authorities in case of objection. Our floor
was rendered so damp by these proceedings that we
should n’t have been surprised at seeing a plentiful crop of
mushrooms or toad-stools spring up under the washing
stand, or to have found an eel in the pockets of the old
coat which served us for a dressing-gown.
Ventilation and sunlight were also hobbies of our land-
lady. Now, in July, few persons object to the former, but
it’s not altogether agreeable to sit at dinner in the full
blaze of the sun, his rays concentrating with a more than
burning-glass power upon your physiognomy—albeit the
meal is of a cooling nature. We have seen a gentleman’s
nose begin to blister, and the cuticle peeling from a lady’s
countenance. If you remonstrated at such Salamanderish
treatment, Mr.-----talked about the Arabs of the great
Sahara, proved that hats were an effeminacy, and attrib-
uted ophthalmia to the use of protectives from the sun’s
rays. It was one of his peculiarities never to look hot.
He might have taken the arm of Shadrach, Mesliach and
Abednego, in their little promenade, with perfect impu-
nity. Whether addressing a room full of people, digging
in the back garden, or presiding at table (we have seen
him under each aspect), he was equally frigid and imper-
turbable.
Our meals—at which we formed a snug family party—
were served with uniform cleanliness, and excellently
prepared. Every thing was of the herbaceous or farina-
ceous description, of course. We had no meats, no fish,
no gravy-soups. Tea and coffee were also rejected, as
stimulants. But every variety of vegetable appeared at
our table, as also fruit and pastry. (No butter entered
into the composition of the latter, that being a tabooedNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
185
article.) Bananas, melons, peaches, grapes, oranges, cher-
ries, pine-apples; all the daintier forms of Vegetarian fare
were provided with a liberal hand. The display, indeed,
exceeded our expectations. We saw Vegetarian diet
under its most attractive (summer) aspect. Whether the
fraternity were confined to turnips, etc., during the winter
season, we can not determine. In spring they generally
went out to graze at a country Establishment, located
somewhere in Connecticut, and owned by a relative of
the landlord’s.
Descending from our neatly-ordered though damp
apartment, to a breakfast of the material recently de-
scribed, was agreeable enough. We began to think our
Vegetarian friends might possibly be right, and that we,
hitherto, had been living in a state akin to cannibalism.
We thought of Adam and Eve, in Paradise Lost, and of
the Angel taking dinner with them. We remembered toISO
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
have read that Brahmins generally reached a good old
age (in the event of their not shortening their days by
making fires on the tops of their heads, inserting knives
into their abdomens, undertaking to stare the sun out of
countenance, or similar devotional proceedings). We
looked at the anti-carnivorous passages in Queen Mob,
and thought of the Golden Age. What if we went in for
innocence and vegetables in good earnest? But before
doing so we resolved to observe their effects as evidenced
by our fellow-boarders.
They appeared generally healthy, but unusually quies-
cent individuals. First, and most prominent among them
was a middle-aged man of loose figure, large, colorless
countenance, and little eyes—something like a dropsical
turnip, with two raisins stuck in it. In-doors he wore
a long, green-baize coat, a straw hat bordered with bright
listing, and slippers. He also carried a large, tarnished
silver watch, to which, in lieu of chain or guard, was at-
tached a tarry string. The expectation naturally excited
by his appearance was more than justified by his opinions
and characteristics, in describing wdiich we shall risk the
charge of exaggeration, if not of pure invention. He
prided himself on being a man of system. Considering
bed an effeminacy, and hurtful to the development of the
human body (as affording facilities for laying on one side,
and so contracting the chest), he preferred rej)osing on a
narrow plank, placed upon two chairs—being covered
only by a sheet. This was his system of sleeping. In
diet he confined himself to particular dishes, always eating
the peel writh the fruit or vegetables, whether oranges,
peaches, or potatoes, in the belief that removing it de-
prived them of remarkable stomachic virtues. (He even
attempted to devour the rinds of water-melons, cocoa-nuts,
and pine-apples, correcting the internal discomposureNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
187
thereby provoked by taking ginger.) This constituted
his system of eating. In drinking he confined himself to
water, occasionally flavoring it with boiled onions, a weak
infusion of sassafras or lemon-peel, in the beneficial qual-
ities of which he had strong faith.
He was the strictest Vegetarian of the community, and
the most intolerant of the flesh-eating barbarians of the
outer world. He never used the words meat, beef, porlc,
or mutton; employing in lieu of them such denunciatory
terms as dead flesh, cow's corpse, butchered hog, and the
like. Wine, beer, and spirits he considers direct inven-
tions of the Arch Enemy. Yet he smoked—not tobacco,
but dried sun-flower leaves, thereby producing such of-
Ainsive odors that he was requested to confine himself to
his own room during such indulgences. He had also—so
he informed us—once tried a mixture of opium, tea-leaves,
and red pepper, but could n’t stand it.
This bit of confidence was vouchsafed in his chamber,
whither we were, one day, invited. The room was as odd-
looking as its occupant. He had made it an especial con-
dition with the landlord that he should be permitted to
furnish it according to his own inclinations—in pursuance
of which the ceiling had been painted of a lively blue, the
floor of an equally bright green. This, he said, was in
accordance with nature. He had even caused the artist
to attempt certain extraordinary delineations of birds and
butterflies upon the walls (the latter as large as cocked
hats), and at about three feet above the wainscot, to de-
pict a row of gigantic sunflowers—the yellow put in with-
out regard to expense. Sunflowers, we imagine, were a
weakness of our fellow boarder’s. He often wore one in
his button-hole in his morning walks on the Battery, and
once took to eating their seeds—carrying them about in
a large papier-mache snuff-box, and pressing them upon188
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
others. Of his origin and past avocations we were unable
to learn any thing, he himself maintaining a resolute si-
lence on these heads. He had arrived one evening with
his effects—consisting of a large trunk, a bird-cage, a va-
lise, and a dog-kennel—in a wheelbarrow. The two latter
articles were yet extant in the back-yard. Their owner
kept a rat in the bird-cage, which subsequently died on
his attempting to feed it exclusively on cabbage-stalks.
Some of these peculiarities were communicated to us
by a fellow-boarder who occupied an adjoining apartment,
and was himself only second in eccentricity to their orig-
inator. A thin, eager-looking man, his light reddish-
colored hair curled crisply all over his head, like fine
mahogany shavings. He stooped in walking, was very
near-sighted, and carried an eye-glass. He had adopted
Vegetarianism not so much on account of principle as for
the better and more unclouded development of his intel-
lect—which he devoted, solely and entirely, to attempts at
discovering how the art of flying might be rendered prac-
ticable. We are inclined to think the celebrated “ Moon
Hoax” of Richard Adams Locke, with its plagiarized de-
tails of winged Lunarians, had first turned his thought in
this direction. His room was littered with the debris of
abandoned serial machinery. Wings of whalebone-ribbed-
india-rubber, to be worked by an abortive contrivance,
which seemed a compromise between a coffee-mill and
pair of bellows; an artificial eagle’s tail, of immense size,
with breast to match, and apparatus for inflating it when
fastened on the wearer; queerly-shaped balloons like cir-
cular sausages,to sustain the imaginary aeronaut, while he
won his way through fields of air, by turning a crank
which put in motion four large pieces of framed canvas
resembling the sails of a mill—these and more ingenious
inventions were here. He put them on in our presence,explaining their proposed action, and descanting with en-
thusiasm on the glory which must accrue to the conqueror
of the only element as yet unsubdued by man. Just then
he had temporarily abandoned the endeavor to achieve
the means of solitary flight, and in conjunction with an-
other enthusiast—we believe a Bowery watch-maker—as-
pired to construct a machine calculated to accommodate
some half-dozen serial excursionists. One summer’s after-
noon we crossed to Hoboken, where it lay inclosed within
a square of palisading, awaiting the raising of funds neces-
sary to its completion. To the best of our recollection it
resembled a sharp-nosed, sharp-sterned canvas boat, con-
taining a little steam-engine wherewith to work two great
screw-like fans, a balloon attached to it forming the sus-
taining power. Our fellow-boarder considered that the
means could n’t be too simple. If that qualification were
especially demanded we should have thought him particu-
larly adapted to the discovery. He had been a clerk in a
telegraph office, but relinquished business for his project,
and now relied on relatives both for the funds to carry it
on, and to pay his board. They sent him letters contain-
ing money and denouncing serial contrivances.
We had two lady-boarders, a mother and daughter,
the latter a pink eyed, scared-looking girl of sixteen, who
smelt like mice; the former a fat, pale-faced woman of
fifty, whose round, protruding
eyes, and small, beak-like nose,
gave her a strong resemblance
to a large wffiite owl. She, with
the assistance of the landlady,
was engaged in perverting her
daughter’s intellect to the de-
gree necessary to produce dair-
voyaney. We have no doubt they subsequently succeed-190
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ed in manufacturing an orthodox spiritual Medium. Both
ladies occasionally dressed in Bloomer costume, the elder
wearing spectacles, pantalettes of black crape, and an
umbrella.
The remaining boarder had no greater peculiarities
than those of general speechlessness, the habits of staring
out of the window for hours together, bolting his food
whole, and remaining locked up in the bath-room for
many consecutive hours, when he was generally under-
stood to be trying the cold-water cure. He always came
out very leaden in aspect, and resentful of inquiries as
to how he felt. We believe he was a Vermonter, and
had been a schoolmaster.
With these companions, then, we diurnally assembled
at the Vegetarian table. The conversation, in which our
landlord took the lead, was generally of a mild and ismy
character. The effect of the diet may be thus described:
A strong disinclination to do any thing; an unnatural
meekness of disposition; a tendency to boils; and a
generally-sublimated and windy estimation of our own im-
portance and destiny, were the primary results. We ex-
perienced a sort of tranquil dissatisfaction with the world
in general, and a desire to set it to rights through the
medium of writing letters to the Spiritual Telegraph,
Water-Cure and Phrenological Journals, which papers
formed part of the weekly literature of our Boarding-
House. We read the matrimonial advertisements in the
last-named periodical, and began to speculate on the pro-
priety of taking for a wife some young lady with cold
gray eyes, sandy hair, a large waist, severely rational
principles, big feet, and strong faith in the Maine Law.
We shudder to think of our condition, and gladly turn
to our rescue. Mentioning, in confidence, our intentions
to a friend, he, struck with alarm and horror at the stateNEW YOEK BOARDING-HOUSES.
191
of mind to which we were reduced, at once resorted to
vigorous measures for effecting our deliverance. Sitting
listlessly one evening in the front parlor, engaged in the
study of entomology, as manifested in the dissection of
large worms by the green-coated boarder (he was partial
to such operations), we were summoned forth. Our friend
proposed a moonlight sail upon the Hudson—we agreed.
A boat was in waiting, into which we stepped, and for a
couple of hours danced merrily over the silvery surface
of our beautiful bay. We became hungry—he produced
ham sandwiches; thirsty—he proffered champagne. Our
readers will spare us the particulars of our fall.
* * * * * %
We have a general impression of our legs doubling up
considerably, and of the trees behaving in a remarkable
manner as we crossed the alternate moonlight and shadow
of the quiet Battery to our Boarding-House, at about 2
in the morning; being^ assisted up-stairs by our friend
and the landlord—the latter in scanty drapery and out of
temper; of subsequently going to bed with our hat on.
On the following morning we quitted the Vegetarian
Boarding-House. Nor have we, since, encountered our
landlord or any of his guests. We learn, however, that
with his lady, he has relapsed into Spiritualism, and is
making a good thing of it.CHAPTER XXII.
THE MEDICAL STUDENTS’ BOAKDING-HOUSE.
OW many of our readers can
recollect the ideas generally
entertained with regard to
Medical Students before the
existence of Dickens’ Pick-
wick Papers ? Were they
not supposed to be pale,
studious, intellectual, inter-
esting young men?—often
figuring as heroes in An-
nuals, Forget-Me-JSfoVs^ and
the like feeble-minded litera-
ture ? Such is the testimony
of our memory on the point.
But the Peal—in the shape of Mr.
Bob Sawyer, and Mr. Ben Allen—
ousted the Ideal as effectually as did
Cervantes’knight the paladins of ficti-
tious chivalry. Albert Smith’s lively
Punch papers only deepened the Pickwickian impression,
and a sentimental Medical Student is now as rare a charac-
ter in books as in reality.
It might not be difficult to decide why they should
be the rackety generation they certainly are. “ CroakerNEW Y O R K BOARDING-IIOUSES.
3 93
rhymes with joker,” says Goldsmith’s Good-natured Man,
and those whose professional studies necessarily bring
them into contact with the more lugubrious aspects of
life, may plead that they are half justified, on the Emer-
sonian principle of compensation, in going to the opposite
extreme. We have known sextons and undertakers of
decidedly jolly temperament; nor are turnkeys of a par-
ticularly misanthropic turn of mind—except in melo-
dramas. And perhaps it is time enough for Medical
Students to assume the conventional gravity incidental to
their vocation when they formally undertake its responsi-
bilities. At all events, it must be admitted that whether
in Paris, London, or New York, it would be difficult to
find a faster class.
Our Empire city has three medical colleges, and, of
course, a large proportion of doctors in embryo forms part
of its population. Being gregarious in their habits, these
mostly contrive to board together, hence their claims to a
chapter in our Physiology. One Establishment in the
Fourth Avenue is said to accommodate upwards of ninety
of them, and must unquestionably be the scene of many
unique and diverting peculiarities, but, unfortunately, we
have never dwelt within its walls. Our present subject,
though in the same quarter, is much smaller, twenty
boarders forming its average number of occupants, of
whom, during our stay, upwards of fifteen were Medical
Students.
A common-place, four-story house, its outward appear-
ance, or internal management differed in no particular
from other third-rate tenements devoted to the same pur-
pose. It wras a cheap establishment. Medical Students
are not choice as to locality, or diet, preferring to conse-
crate their money, whether much or little, to active
diversion, rather than to milder gratifications. They are,
9194
T II K PHYSIOLO G Y O F
too, necessarily, very much of an out-o’-doors population,
attendance at lectures demanding the hours of from 9 to
1, and from 2 to 5 ; while their evenings are supposed to
be spent in the dissecting-room. We italicize two words
in the above sentence, as it does n’t follow that the de-
mand is always complied with, or the supposition a cor-
rect one. We, in common with the non-professional
boarders, and landlady, saw quite enough of them in-
doors.
She was a brisk little widow with fiery red hair, but
otherwise rather good-looking, and very good-tempered—
unless provoked beyond endurance. Her characteristics
might have been summed-up under the heads of approba-
tiveness, love of money, and veneration, of which qualities
the first-named often neutralized one another, and the
third was entirely monopolized by her uncle, who though
not an inmate of the Establishment, was a frequent visitor.
We believe he claimed the title of a Veteran of some
sort; in virtue of which he used to attend meetings at an
English tavern, there to drink large quantities of beer,
and pass resolutions that portions of the United States
government lands ought to belong to him and his com-
panions. Now far be it from us to mention the corps
irreverently, but this we will say, of him, individually,
that he was an unpleasant, snuffy, selfish old man; nor
could we ever learn any reason for according to him
the deference and respect claimed as his due—beyond
that of his having accidentally shot a donkey in mistake
for an enemy on a dark night, he being sentinel at the
time. (For this patriotic act a grateful country had be-
stowed a pension upon him.) But of him hereafter. We
“ return to our (black) sheep”—the Medical Students.
He who bore the bell, as leader (for among half a score
of men there will always be a dominant spirit), -was aNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
115
Londoner, who had dwelt, perhaps, ten years in New
York. A middle-sized, thick-set, black-whiskered, vul-
garly good-looking young fellow, his expatriation was
rendered necessary by a little resurrectionist operation
performed in the burying-ground attached to his father’s
Dissenting-chapel—in consequence of which he was looked
upon as a sort of professional martyr. We have no inten-
tion of separately describing the entire fifteen, but this
gentleman played so prominent a part in the Establishment
that the above detail becomes necessary. In conjunction
with three others, he occupied the front basement; which,
as in the Artistic Boarding-House, served as a general
rendezvous for the fraternity, who found coming in at the
area door, or windows, an easy and congenial mode of
entrance.
It was a very curiously-furnished room. Over the
mantel-piece (which, being of wood, had been drilled into
innumerable holes by the agency of red-hot pokers), was
displayed an injected human heart in a glass case, and a
collection of every variety of pipes, from nargilehs, chi-
bouks , calumets, and meerschaums, to well blackened and
odorous dhudheens. A rickety book-case, containing per-
haps twenty dog’s-eared, torn, and occasionally lidless
medical books, and surmounted by a skull and cross
bones, occupied the space between two windows. On the
opposite wall, over one of the beds (the inmates slept
double), appeared single-sticks, foils, masks, boxing-gloves,
and what might be termed street-trophies, as a fragmentary
barber’s pole, a gilt pestle and mortar, a bell-handle with
a yard or so of wire, and a big board formerly in use as a
play-bill poster—appertaining to which we have a story to
tell, presently. A few anatomical plates and pictures of
ballet-dancers, a three-stringed guitar, a banjo, and tam-
bourine, an indefinite number of rough coats, and hats of196
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OF
various degrees of seediness—for Medical Students are not
particular as to dress—and an atmosphere redolent of
stale tobacco and spirits, may complete these interior de-
tails. Our first glimpse of them was upon an occasion
characteristic enough to deserve narration. One of the
Students—a “new man,” from the Far West—had com-
plained of a rush of blood to the head, possibly produced
by over-indulgence in whisky punch, at a little jollifica-
tion in honor of his novitiate ; and was undergoing phle-
botomy. The patient sat, pipe in mouth, in a chair, with
his extended arm grasping a huge shillalagh (in order to
develop the veins), while the practitioner, with his coat
olf, and a wet towel bound round his head (for the purpose
of sobering him), operated with a broken-bladed pen-
knife. Everybody was smoking and—with the exception
of the sick man—drinking. They bled him until he
fainted, and subsequently rolled him into a corner, hu-
manely pillowing his head with a couple of boxing-
gloves.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
107
A vivacious, noisy, and, for the most part, dissipated set,
our fellow-hoarders’ notions of pleasure seemed mainly to
center in boisterous animal indulgences. Only when
money and credit were at a low ebb were they, not com-
paratively quiet, but less tumultuous. At other times the
“ carryings on” in the basement, and indeed all over the
house, were, as the landlady said, “ orful.” They held har-
monic meetings, and prolonged them far into the small
hours of the morning. They got up boxing-matches in
the garrets. They danced infernal dances accompanied
with shrieks and howlings. They chased each other up
or down stairs by threes and fours, sometimes jumping
whole flights, and descending with a crash at the bottom.
They wrote autographs all over the windows and looking-
glasses with the diamond ring of the party. They re-
moved hinges olf chamber-doors, that they might “ come
down with a run” on the heads of the occupants. They
brought home fragments of the human form in their
pockets, for or from dissection. We have a distinct rec-
ollection of a young gentleman volunteering to show us
an eye, over the supper-table. (He had it in his breast-pocket, wrapped up in a
cabbage-leaf and a frag-
ment of the Herald.) The
same ingenuous youth al-
ways used a little-finger
bone as a tobacco-stopper;
and on one occasion, created
some excitement in an om-
nibus by accidentally allow-
ing the great toe of a leg
once appertaining to an old
lady, to protrude through its
brown paper envelope.
Such professional luxuries, by-the-by, costing money,
Medical Students (who are remarkable for getting rid of
it very rapidly) sometimes resort to singular expedients
for “subjects.” We strongly suspect that our friends’
scientific ardor impelled them to kidnap stray cats and
dogs for surgical experiments; as also to bribe the youth
of the vicinity to supply them with these victims at the
rate of ten cents a head. One evening we counted no
less than three ragged juveniles, who, severally, entered
the basement, two bearing a bag or sack (which appeared
agitated by lively convulsions); while the third (a tow-
headed varlet of tender years) held a newly-weaned
puppy by the back of the neck. We suppose this to
have been the identical animal which, skinned, and
painted of a brilliant red, was, two days subsequent, dis-
covered in the ewer of an old lady boarder, when it
nearly frightened her into fits, and whom the Londoner
wanted to cup and electrify, as restoratives. A similarly
reprehensible joke was also played off at the expense of
the cat of the Establishment, whom, after stupefying with
ether, the Students partially shaved, painting the denudedNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
199
portion of the body (including the tail) in black and yel-
low stripes, zebra fashion. Mrs.-------became so incensed
at this, and at a subsequent attempt to cleanse the animal
by means of the shower-bath, as to give them all notice to
quit—but they wouldn’t go. And when the “Veteran”
endeavored to enforce their departure, they, after hypo-
critically agreeing, made him deplorably drunk on rum and
water, burnt-corked his nose and eye-brows, smashed
his hat in, tore his coat up his back, carried him up-
stairs and deposited him on the parlor-table; in which
position he was discovered on the following morning by
the servant when she went to lay the cloth for breakfast.
Two of the more active participators in this frolic did
leave the next day, and the “Veteran,” after taking four-
and-twenty hours to sober himself, tracked them to a
little tavern; and persuading the landlord to turn the
key of their room, started for the police. Yet, on his re-
turn, it appeared that the Students must have overheard
his intentions, for they had escaped by means of the
window and lightning rod ; previously cutting the carpet200
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
of the room and the bed furniture into strips with their
pen-knives, as a souvenir for the landlord. We believe
the “ Veteran” had to pay damages.
Our Students, anticipating the privileges accorded by
a diploma, would sometimes obtain patients among the
poor of the neighborhood. (Most ignorant persons have
a distrust of hospitals, entertaining the idea that they
will be forced to submit to surgical operations within
them.) Their practice, as may be imagined, was marked
with occasional eccentricities. We were present when an
Irish bricklayer applied to be cured of some mysterious
disorder, the predominant symptom of which he described
as “ a smotherin’ of the harrut.” A Seidlitz powder being
administered to him in two doses—the contents of the
blue paper first, and the white afterwards—the consequent
effervescence took place internally with extraordinary
effect. The pupils of the patient’s eyes almost entirely
disappeared, he gave vent to a howl such as might be sup-NEW* YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
201
posed to proceed from an insane jackal undergoing the
process of being flayed alive, leaped into the air, and
rushed from the house. The practitioners used his hat
for a spittoon during the remainder of the evening. On
another occasion one of them took out a Dutchman’s en-
tire set of teeth (they needed it), and it was not till he
called several times—at last, with a posse of friends armed
with clubs—that he could get an artificial set to replace
the loss. He had rashly paid in advance, and the money
had been immediately devoted to a general “ bust.”
It was upon this joyous occasion, if our memory is not
at fault, that the play-bill board came into the Students’
possession. One of the party getting helplessly drunk at
an unprecedentedly early period of the evening, his friends
resolved to convey him in triumph to his residence—(he
was not one of our boarders). So they first stole the said
board, and then placed him upon it at full length, in which
position he was borne aloft on the shoulders of four Stu-
dents, an equal number preceding; each one performing
upon some musical instrument—a banjo, tambourine,
guitar, or tin trumpet—(captured by the Londoner in sin-
gle combat with a fish-vendor) ; while half a dozen others
brought up the rear as a protective guard against the
j3olice. Fortunately they had not far to go, for the popu-
lace, taking it for some political demonstration, manifested
the most inconvenient enthusiasm; and on arriving at the
recumbent one’s Boarding-House, remained cheering out-
side and demanding “ a speech” for some time.
Practical joking, indeed, was quite the order of the
day and night, nor did the Students spare each other.
They put bad eggs in one another’s boots, cold fishes in
each others’ beds (on winter’s nights); and once reduced
a boarder’s room to a state of most extraordinary dis-
order, during his absence, by rehanging the pictures up-
9*202
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
side-down, setting the bedstead on end, reversing the
position of the table, prostrating a chest of drawers, block-
ading the windows with chairs, and scattering the washing
utensils promiscuously on the stair-case. These proceed-
ings were effected in retaliation of the occupant’s having
brought home, and not invited the Students to partake
of, a dozen bottles of Leslie’s Bitters—which they subse-
quently purloined, and after drinking the contents, con-
cealed the bottles in the stove-pipe which crossed the
dining-parlor, where they were discovered in consequence
of the flue smoking horribly.
New men from the West and South—(young fellows
come to New York from all parts of the Union to study
medicine)—were always extensively victimized. As most
of these wrere very ignorant (some could scarcely write
their names), frequent brawls ensued. One, originating
in the connection of the knob of the basement door with
Notwithstanding such little incidents, they were, for
the most part, friendly enough. Some had pledged them-
selves in a ghastly sort of Damon-and-Pythias spirit to
claim each others’ skeletons, according to priority of
x passage, only abandoning his
a voltaic battery, for the pur-
pose of administering a severe
shock to a big Tennesseean (he
rolled down the cellar-stairs
and almost broke his neck)
had like to have terminated
awkwardly. Arming himself
with a revolver and bowie-
knife, he lay in wait in the
watch when he discovered the
' birds had escaped through the
window.N E W Y O K K l» OARDING -HOUSES. 203
death. In money matters they were liberal—when they
had the means to be so. They wore, and sometimes
pawned, each other’s clothes. Altogether they might be
considered a very agreeable set of young men—to get
away from. How women could live in the house we can
scarcely imagine, yet among the four or five non-profes-
sional boarders there were two of them. As for the land-
lady, had she not been new to the business and distrustful
of refilling her house with quieter tenants, she, assuredly,
would not have retained such.
Our sojourn might have comprised about a month—
during which time we probably enjoyed about three nights
of unbroken sleep. Finding we could n’t get along very
well on such a limited allowance, we left; subsequently
chancing upon an incident so horrible, yet so characteris-
tic, that we shall risk shocking the reader by narrating it.
If peculiarly sensitive, we, herewith, give him premonitory
warning not to read it
Happening, then, to meet one of our late fellow-board-
ers, he informed us that he had just been attending post-
mortem on the body of one of his friends who had com-
mitted suicide, adding that he had his intestines (he used
another word) in his pocket—-wonldwe like to see them fCHAPTER XXIII
THE BOARDING-HOUSE FREQUENTED BY BOSTONIANS
c^~~pS a trim, sober-colored edifice
of moderate dimensions, in
an unfinished street on
the North river side of the
Sixth Avenue. It has trees
in front of it, and is within
five minutes’ walk of the
cars, of which convenience,
however, the boarders
avail themselves much less
frequently than similarly-
located New Yorkers
would do—in fact, only
when necessitated by haste
or foul weather. Bosto-
nians have faith in exer-
cise, and, unlike our faster population, don’t rush into a
vehicle when they want to get from one block’s end to
the other.
Its mistress claims Massachusetts as her birth-State, a
mesalliance with a New Yorker having proved the imme-
diate cause of her expatriation from its much-loved capital.
She will tell you calmly (now that years have brought
resignation) how the change disgusted her, at first, andNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES,
205
how long it was before she got used to it. Nor has she,
since her marriage, revisited the “City of Notions.”
Her time, she says, is too much taken up. Such is her
sense of responsibility for the well-being of the Establish-
ment, that she can not conceive of the possibility of its
getting along—even for a week—during her absence.
So, though believing in her birth-place to that extent of
which only a Bostonian is capable, she endures voluntary
banishment, devoting her energies to the production of a
social atmosphere akin to that in which she was nurtured.
Her husband is a matter-of-fact, business-like man, his
wife’s senior by years, and inferior by education—both of
which circumstances she is very well aware of. He has
some clerkish employment in Wall-street, and is supposed
to be in receipt of so good a salary as to render it prob-
able that keeping a Boarding-House is (strange as it may
seem) more a matter of inclination than necessity on the part
of his lady. Perhaps she has resolved upon realizing enough
to return to Boston, carrying her husband with her, there
to dwell en permanence / perhaps the avocation suits her,
as affording scope for her natural industry and thrift. If you
question Mr.-------, he laughs, and tells you his wife likes it.
In person, she is a dark-haired, dark-eyed woman of
forty, keen-looking rather than handsome, of robust fig-
ure, and always attired with a sort of decisive neat-
ness repellent of crinoline and the like vanities. You
would hardly mistake her for a New Yorker, nor would
she be flattered by such a supposition. Her self-possession
is less demonstrative, chillier, and more indicative of
latent self-esteem than that of metropolitan dames—for
whom she entertains an unqualified contempt. She main-
tains considerable reserve towards strangers, is apt to
form hasty and severe opinions of them, and to hold on
to such with great tenacity. Her reserve once broken206
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
down, she becomes loquacious—especially on the subject
of Boston.
If you hail from that phoenix of moral and intellectual
capitals, she may condescend to put you on probation for
her liking—if not, you may be a very good sort of person,
but it behooves you to stand off and reverence your bet-
ters. Mrs.------knows her value, and that of the place of
her nativity. Dispute the latter—disparage it in the
slightest degree—put in a word in favor of New York (or
any other city) in comparison—she listens to you, not
with indignation, but compassion—much as a missionary
in Kaffirland might be supposed to do if a savage were
to arrogate the superiority of a girdle of ox-entrails over
the decencies of broadcloth. Finally, our landlady talks
nasally, retaining (like most persons of eastern origin)
certain provincialisms of speech, and is a Unitarian of the
iciest and most intellectual description.
The house resembles its mistress in cleanliness and prim
nicety of appearance. Irish servants, Mrs.------declares,
don’t suit her, either on the score of religion or efficiency.
She has engaged a couple of English girls, and being in-
formed of their home badge of servitude—caps, would have
perpetuated it, but that the younger of the two (who is
pretty, and has nice hair) rebelled. They, with their mis-
tress—she personally superintends the cooking—do every
thing. The meals are served to a miracle of punctuality,
baked meats preponderate, beans always appear at Sun-
days’ dinners, and Mrs.-----, assisted by her husband, or
the oldest boarder, presides at table.
As indicated by the title prefixed to our Chapter, the
majority of the boarders are Bostonians, the exceptions
being four New Yorkers, and a middle-aged Englishman
with his wife and daughter. The landlady’s son—a lub-
berly youth of sixteen—is, also, decidedly metropolitan.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
207
both by birth and instinct. lie spends most of his time
in engine or porter-houses, and has frequently deserted
the paternal roof (after emptying his mother’s pocket of
such loose change as might happen to be there), returning
in a penniless and ragged condition. The boarders allude
to him as a “ hard” boy, generally.
They—the Bostonians—average from nine to a dozen
in number. All are engaged in business down-town, some
as clerks in banks, or wholesale stores ; one, a tall gentle-
man in a curly black wig (connected with an insurance
office), is married, and his wife, with that of the English-
man, her daughter and two single ladies, constitute the
female population of the Establishment—none of whom
are New Yorkers.
There is a stiffness of manner prevalent among these
gentlemen which is eminently characteristic. They seldom
go to extremes of fashion in costume, preferring sober
colors and quiet patterns. The cut of their clothes is
rather English than Parisian. Some wear narrow-brimmed
hats, all-rounder collars and little gaiters, and are prone
to attenuated umbrellas. Very few sport moustaches,
clean-shaven chins are not uncommon, and while one “docs
the English” with luxuriously-pendulous whiskers (after
the style of John Leech’s “swells”), another displays a
perfect specimen of the old-fashioned mutton-chop order.
You will discover, in fact, on acquaintance, that they en-
tertain a species of cold regard for Anglicisms, and, there-
fore, instinctively annex such as do not conflict with
Bostonian sentiment.
They are a precise and exact race, punctual at meals,
not accustomed to make allowances for deficiencies (acci-
dental or otherwise), and very tightly buttoned up in
their own opinions. Being away from their birth-place
they find it necessary, in their daily avocations, to relax a208
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
little (as a Roman citizen might have clone in his travels
among barbarians) and therefore feel it incumbent upon
them to be more than usually Bostonian—in their Board-
ing-House.
New York, they will tell you, is a very good sort of a
place for making money, but that is all. It must n’t pre-
tend to any thing else. They are Bostonians and know
better. The relative merits of the two cities form the
argument of unceasing discussion over the supper-table,
some indirect or openly contemptuous remark generally
provoking the New Yorkers to the championship of their
metropolis; and, though in the minority, they do not
always have the worst of the controversy. Yet some of
their opponents possess a hard, dry humor which is very
telling in debate. They all pull together, of course; the
younger Bostonians—though, perhaps, secretly alive to
the greater attractions of the Empire City—holding it a
point of honor to stick to their party. We have known
one of them to break olf in the midst of a strenuous de-
fence of the anti-smoking ordinances of Boston, to stroll
up Broadway, cigar in mouth—being sublimely uncon-
scious at the time of any incongruity of conduct.
Borne of the Bostonians are dreadfully well-informed.
It is appalling to think how much they must have read.
Nothing comes amiss to them. Art, literature, politics,
history, science, religion—they have them all at their
fingers’ ends. If they are particularly strong on one sub-
ject, above all others, it is arithmetic, as applied to valua-
tion. Like Jews, they seem to have been born with the
faculty of knowing the exact worth of every article in ex-
istence. You had better not venture any observation, to
these gentlemen, on any subject on which you ’re not
thoroughly well-posted. It will be tossed from one to
the other and you turned inside out in a twinkling.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
209
We have often thought that that King of Castile, who
said that he could have helped Providence to a notion or
two on the subject of the Creation, ought to have been a
Bostonian. The Chinese make maps representing their own
country as occupying the center of the earth, others being
depicted as little insignificant spots in out-o’-the-way cor-
ners—and this idea appears to exist in the minds of the
inhabitants of the American Athens. (Sparta would be
the better denomination.) It is the moral and intellectual
center of the universe. Other capitals are to be judged
only by its standard, according as they approach to or
diverge from it.
This localism of character, like that of Englishmen, is
rather latent than obtrusively manifest, as though it were
superfluous to claim that superiority which ought to be
universally admitted. But only question it, and see how
quickly it blazes into assertion. The Bostonians of our
Boarding-House could always be “ riled” into controversy
by encomium on New York.
Drop but a word of our forthcoming park, they are
down upon you with Boston Common,* inquiring, with
an aspect of calm pity, whether you ’re aware that it con-
tains no less than forty-eight acres ! If this does n’t
knock you over, they state how long it has been in exist-
ence. Allude to New York bay, the view from Green-
wood or Hoboken heights, they prefer those of Dorchester
and the look-out from the summit of the Bunker Hill
Monument. Commend Broadway, they incline to the
opinion that much prettier women are to be seen, any
day, in Washington-street. Talk of our prominent edit-
ors, preachers, and business men (as Greeley, Raymond,
* We have heard it asserted that every Bostonian always carries a
hit of his native Common in his pocket. Our faith in this statement is
not implicit; we therefore confine it to a note.210
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Beecher, Chapin, Astor, Grinnell, etc.), they first trump
your remarks with the names of Boston notables (coming
out very strong about Amos Lawrence—who appears to
have been the incarnation of Boston virtue pinnacled on
money-bags), and then claim the majority of the former
as of eastern origin. In nothing will they allow, not the
superiority, but equality of New York with Boston.
They cut sarcastic jokes at our expensively inefficient
police, dirty streets, blockaded side-walks, post-office,
fires, municipal corruptions, and spasmodic attempt at re-
form—not without reason. They sneer at our claims to
intellect. They declare our conscience—especially in the
matter of abolition—is in our breeches-pocket. They ob-
ject to our persistence in fraudulently representing New
York as the metropolis of the United States; and think
Jenny Lind, Grisi, and Rachel very ill-advised in having
come here before they had secured the stamp of Bostonian
approbation. Altogether they set us down as a fast,
flashy, ill-governed, temporary, rowdyish, hybrid, money-
getting and money-squandering community, who might
be a great deal better if we’d take example of—Boston.
To all this and more, the New Yorkers in our Board-
ing-House have much to reply. Admitting that Boston
is the better-ruled city, they still affect to discover spots
sullying her cold effulgency. They take objection to the
ultra-intellectuality of her exclusive circles, pronouncing
it decidedly uncomfortable. They assert that righteous-
ness maybe so fringed with conceit as to render it a very-
unattractive garment; and sometimes worn as a cloak or
mask, to be laid aside at pleasure. New York, they ac-
knowledge, has a penchant for agreeable sins, and com-
mits them openly, wrhile Boston locks the door; but
whether spiritual pride be not worse than self-indulgence,
admits, they argue, of some question. Society in thatNEW YORK BOAEDING-IIOUS E S .
211
metropolis, they furthermore assert, does not possess the
great cosmopolitan heart of England, the outward con-
servatism of which it apes; but breathes rather an iso-
lated atmosphere, and is content to reproduce under
new forms the old narrow-mindedness and intolerance of
its Puritan ancestors. As for minor social questions they
declare that New York doesn’t pretend to be well-bred,
but that as good-nature is the essence of politeness, so the
assumption of superiority is, necessarily, in bad taste.
Finally, they maintain the existence of a very large world
lying beyond the shadow of Boston State House.
These, like most discussions, generally terminate in con-
firming either party in their own opinions. The Bostonians
are the cooler disputants. We recollect fewer manifesta-
tions of hot temper on their side, the worst being provoked
by a New Yorker’s quoting Fanny Fern’s depreciatory
mention of their capital as “ a band-box”— for which re-
mark no Bostonian ever did, can, or will, forgive Fanny.
In these controversies a bank clerk—a cool, gentle-
manly individual of five-and-thirty—stands pre-eminent.
He is an opera-goer, and sometimes takes the landlady
and the daughter of the English boarder to the Academy,
where he talks learnedly of music—previously stealing his
opinions from the New York Times, which (as every
body knows) is the highest of all possible authorities.
The younger lady, a blue-eyed girl of sixteen, admires,
but is rather afraid of her companion. If he entertain
any reciprocal feeling, it has only become demonstrative
on one occasion, when perceiving her annoyance at some
attentions on the part of the landlady’s son, he, to the
amazement of all present (it was on a summer evening,
immediately after supper), seized that ingenuous youth by
the ear, deliberately led him to the door, and there dis-
missed him, too much astonished to attempt resistance.212
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
The English boarder is a cheery, little, bald-headed man,
with scanty whiskers, and gold-rimmed spectacles, a doctor
by profession. His wife, a plump, matronly person, has at-
tained great popularity among the gentlemen by volunteer-
ing to replace missing shirt-buttons. She suffers immensely
from heat and musquitoes in summer, and her particular
mission seems to be that of mending stockings. They are
both very fond of their daughter, and anxious that she
should marry well, but consider her “ far too young to
think of such things” at present. She does n’t share that
opinion.
The two unmarried lady-boarders—we apologize for onr
involuntary discourtesy in introducing them after the gen-
tlemen—are from the crowns of their neat bonnets to the
soles of their stout walking-shoes unmitigated Bostonians.
(They affect a disdain of those exquisite gaiter-boots so
dear to the hearts of New York belles, and their some-
times style of chaussure might justify a sensitive man in
suing for a divorce, did his wife wear such.) They attend
lectures, meetings, Sunday-schools, Bible-classes, etc., etc.
They are intellectually religious, and religiously intel-
lectual. They can (and witt) talk with you on any sub-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
213
ject, from cosmogony to pollywogs. Lastly, they are
more clever than lovable, for without wishing to dis-
parage mental excellence, it is certain that highly intel-
lectual people are not always agreeable ones; and that
men will rather dispense with the former in their wives
than with capacity for affection and sympathy.
The remaining lady-boarder (wife to the tall gentle-
man) is only noticeable as being much afflicted with the
toothache, and accustomed to employing the intervals
between each attack in assaulting a big accordion to the
tune of “ Poor Dog Tray.” We occupied the next room,
and having always considered that air an eminently snivel-
ing, one, its performance, in conjunction with our being
engaged in correcting the proofs of a book demonstrating
that the world would come to an end on the Fourth of
July, 1855, had such an effect on our spirits that we were
goaded into improvising opposition harmony with a comb
and piece of whity-brown paper. After two forenoons’
practice upon that exhilarating musical instrument, the
lady gave in, or only performed during our absence.CHAPTER XXIV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY IS A SOUTHERNER.
'TLY rich Southerners
travel; and such as are
induced by business or
pleasure to seek north-
ern cities naturally pre-
fer the accommodation
of Hotels rather than
Boarding-Houses—the
St. Nicodemus, as every
body knows, being es-
pecially favored by-
their patronage. Yet,
as, among our list of
Establishments, we have cognizance of one whose general
characteristics savored of the sunny South; whose land-
lady prided herself on being “no Yankee,” and whose
boarders hailed mainly from the other side of Mason and
Dixon’s line, we accord it a Chapter.
The house—a Union Square one—was, like its mistress,
handsome, and of imposing exterior. You could scarcely
contemplate either without being impressed by the as-
sumption of aristocratic dignity, the consciousness of
position, as it were, common to both. The lady had the
gayer aspect: for the house, though a stylish four-story215
NEW YOIiK B O A K DING-II O USES.
one, with a bit of garden in front, a flight of stone steps
leading up to a columned and pilastered portico, an orna-
mental balcony fronting the first floor windows, rich
mouldings and cornices decorating the entire facade—
was yet of a sober brown tint. Whereas no horticultural
fete, no promenade on Broadway when the Spring fash-
ions come forth in all their glory, could display brighter
colors than Mrs.-----affected. Perhaps she rather over-
did the modes, as is not uncommonly the case with South-
ern ladies. (However, in New York, they can plead the
example of the aborigines.) But in a tall, good-looking
Widow, wTith large, brown eyes; black hair (and plenty of
it); a straight, decisive nose; and smiling, but willful
mouth, w~ho could object to it?
We have called her a widow, such being her nominal
condition. In reality, a husband from whom she had sep-
arated seven years ago, after less than half that period’s
matrimonial experience, was extant in California. Report
intimated general misconduct on his part, crowned by
conjugal infidelity, as the cause of the rupture; and, also,
that his lady had subsequently cow-hided him in the
streets of his native city in retaliation of certain slanders
directed against her fair fame. And, recollecting how she
looked on the occasion of discovering that the cook—an
obese Irishwoman—had gone to a ball in one of her silk
dresses, we can very well believe it.
Why our landlady had quitted Georgia for New York,
unless in consequence of the inharmonious climax to her
wedded life, we know as little as why she kept a Board-
ing-House. Possibly she was poor, and her pride sus-
tained less mortification in seeking subsistence in a distant
city than in remaining where her former position afforded
scope for unfavorable contrasts. She had followed her
present employment five years, ostensibly with success,THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
yet, as events j>roved, surrounded by a constant environ-
ment of debt and difficulty.
On becoming an inmate of her Establishment, our ex-
pectations of the internal arrangements sustained some
disappointment. We had, naturally, shaped them in
accordance with the stylish exterior and dressy landlady,
but intimacy rather lessened our regard for either. As
Mrs.-----’s presence suggested claims to patrician refine-
ment which her manners and faults of temper militated
against; so her domestic economy was unsatisfactory.
Not that the house or table exhibited any striking defi-
ciencies, both being handsomely furnished, but a general
untidiness—thoroughly Southern in its way—and origi-
nating in want of system, pervaded every thing. It was
even perceptible on our introduction to our chamber, a
spacious two-windowed one, with dusty curtains, a heap
of ashes and cinders in the grate, a marble fire-place (or-
namented with tobacco-stains), and a ewer and basin, re-
spectively containing three-days-old water and slops. Our
landlady (who had not disdained to pilot us thither,
though, usually, she made over this duty to a servant),
called up a sullen housemaid, and rated her severely, but
we subsequently found “ shiftlessness”—to use the pet
word of Mrs. Stowe’s Aunt Ophelia—rather the rule than
otherwise.
Beds were left unmade till sunset, the water supply
being deferred to an equally late period ; and then poured
into imrinsed ewers. Fires were so hastily constructed
that they went out almost immediately—inciting chilly
boarders to do the same. The bath-room was always out
of order. You discovered yourself unprovided with towels
after facial lavation—which is always an aggravating cir-
cumstance. Meals were served at unequal intervals—
always half an hour after their nominal time—and theNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
217
cookery, though of an ambitious order, fluctuated in
merit, occasionally proving a dead failure. We have
known blood to follow an incision in a shoulder of veal, at
dinner, and all the vegetables to come up flavored with
soot. You had frequently to ash for water, the pitchers
being unfilled. And all these nuisances, individual and
combined, though subject to violent abolition at certain
crises, appeared to be part of our normal condition, as we
always got back to them. Mrs.------changed her servants
very frequently, and once—in spite of the inherent dislike
of all Southerners to “free niggers”—tried a kitchen full
of darkeys. But the colored gentleman who waited at
table u sassed” her on a question of propriety (we believe
he was discovered applying his mouth to a bottle of sherry
belonging to one of the boarders), and he and his com-
panions had to quit in consequence. And we entertain no
doubt that had our landlady possessed the power—pretty
woman, and generally indulgent as she was—the back of
JBeauharnois (that was our waiter’s name), would have
smarted for it. She acknowledged as much to ns, over
the supper-table, concluding the conversation with the
sentiment that “ a nigger would be a nigger anyhow.”
Which seemed, indeed, a self-evident proposition.
Perhaps the fault of general mismanagement lay not
entirely on the servants’ side. Mrs.---scarcely treated
them in a consistent, not to say judicious manner. They
appeared to have no recognized department assigned to
them, individually. A housemaid would be set to nursing
the baby of.a lady-boarder; the cook called upon to ar-
range the dining-parlor, or to open the hall door. Their
mistress’ favor or ill-humor was accorded very capriciously.
The “ boy” JBeauharnois (he wTas always called boy in the
Establishment), obtained a three days’ holiday after the
Fourth of July, on the condition that he should find a
10218
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
substitute; which he did in the shape of a fat, greasy,
idiotic, yellow man, who spilled soup on the carpet, was
seized with paroxysms of sneezing while handing dishes,
and cut his fingers to the bone in the endeavor to dissect
a canvas-back duck. (He was removed from the table
howling, and subsequently sent our landlady a bill for
medical attendance, which Beauharnois compromised.)
Had it been represented to Mrs.-------that a more uniform
sway might have produced pleasanter results, she would
have resented the advice. In common with most South-
erners, she believed that no adequate service could be ob-
tained without the exercise of unlimited authority.
Her Establishment was an expensive one, the terms
being rather higher than the average of similar Boarding-
Houses. Some of the lodgers did not pay up very regu-
larly ; others got in debt, and left without paying at all.
Of these last, a flashily-dressed gentleman of, perhaps, five-
and-thirty, was a choice sample. Though not good-look-
ing, he would have passed for it with most persons, in
virtue of his hawk-nose, glossy moustache, and carefully-
dyed and trimmed beard. He always wore clothes of the
most fashionable cut, and rich vests; sporting also a pro-
fusion of jewelry, even to the coxcombry of displaying
rings over his gloves—(as our landlady did, by-the-by).
He had champagne at dinner, and was very liberal in
passing the bottle to fellow-boarders; as in giving them
cigars of choice brands and excellent quality, each being
separately enwrapped, as a thing of rare price, in a dried
tobacco leaf. To Mrs. -------he was especially attentive,
accompanying her to the Opera; and, occasionally, to that
odd-looking church in the vicinity, which appears as if the
architect, unable, from lack of funds, to finish both towers
after the original design, had despairingly extinguished
one of them beneath a quadrangular cone of slate-coloredNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
219
timber. The boarders—and, in particular, the young
men—thought him at first, a knowing, pleasant fellow,
and were ambitious of his companionship; but in time
grew shy of him. It was whispered that his “ plantation
in Arkanzaw” might be apocryphal, that “some of the
fellows” had lost a good deal of money in his company,
and suspected him of being the proprietor of a faro-bank,
to which he had introduced them. A little incident
growing out of this brought his stay in our Boarding-
House to a sudden termination.
There came to it, on his way to Europe (and the Crys-
tal Palace Exposition of 1851), a young Kentuckian, a
former acquaintance of the landlady’s. He had intended
no longer stay than the few days elapsing between his ar-
rival and the departure of the next steamer. On the sec-
ond night, having drunk deeply of town pleasures, under
the guidance of our dubious Arkansas planter, he found
himself cleaned out of something like $5000—being the
entire sum intended to meet the expenses of his projected
tour. Of which circumstance, after shame had kept him
silent for the better part of a week, he informed Mrs.---.
She counseled communication with the police, which he,
from some wild notion of honor, would not agree to. So
she privately telegraphed to his relatives; and on the fifth
morning subsequent to the fleecing operation, a stalwart,
six-foot-five-inch-high uncle of the victim arrived. Why
the swindler had not shifted his quarters we are at a loss
to conceive—perhaps he anticipated the youth would
pocket his loss uncomplainingly, perhaps leaned in trustful
reliance on legal or political friendship in Kew York.
Any way he stayed, and had not risen at the time of the
uncle’s arrival, upon which that gentleman waited upon
him in his bed-chamber.
What took place in that interview was never precisely220
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ascertained. There were rumors that the Kentuckian
opened the proceedings in a very Turpin-like manner, by
placing the muzzle of a revolver in the immediate vicinity
; of the sharper’s head, and presently compelled him to pro-
duce from a small port-monnaie (which he wore in his
breast, secured by a strong steel chain), the greater part
of the sum of which his nephew had been despoiled. Cer-
tain it is that we met the defeated black-leg with a very
ghastly face, as he hurried down stairs, two hours after-
wards, and that he incontinently decamped, leaving only
a new valise tilled with bricks, old newspapers, odd cards,
French lithographs, a broken dice-box, and a book of
“ Confessions of a Reformed Gambler.”
This stalwart uncle, by-tlie-by—he stayed a fortnight at
the house, and subsequently accompanied his nephew to
Europe—was a true gentleman, possessing a naive court-
esy and good humor very pleasant to contemplate. Only
on one topic did he exhibit any sort of prejudice—the in-
evitable one—Slavery. u He had always been taught,”NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
221
he said, “.to think all Abolitionists d—d scoundrels, and
he was going to believe it.”
Apropos of the London Exposition, our Establishment
comprised a boarder who, just returned from a week in
Europe, had started with the intention of seeing it, yet
never touched English soil. He was a thin, tall Texan,
who had gone out “ on a spree” in one of the Southampton
and Bremen steamers, and being oblivious from intoxica-
tion on arriving at the former port, had held on to the
latter, where he got rid of all his money, finally returning
(on credit) by the same vessel. He complained greatly
of a pious Dutch interpreter who would n’t translate ver-
bal improprieties to jUles-de-joie, but endeavored to con-
vert them. Also he had got certain Londoners on the
return voyage to fudge him notes relative to the Exhibi-
tion, that he might not be laughed at on his return to
Corpus Christi. We guess he was awaiting the arrival of
funds to enable him to perform that journey.
But three lady-boarders ornamented the Establishment, *
two of whom were Southerners—one appertaining to a
Northern husband. The other was a fair-haired, fat, little
woman, very lazy, very stupid, very ill-bred, and very des-
potic in her mode of addressing servants. She attired
herself, if possible, more extravagantly than Mrs.------,
and was suspected of a mysterious habit, denominated, in
Southern parlance “ dipping”—in other words, of chewing
snuff-—(we can depose to the fact of her smelling like a
spittoon, as we sat beside her at dinner). She nourished
the most absurd ideas of her importance in consequence
of a remote connection with the “first families of Vir-
ginia.”
The “ Old Dominion” was more pleasantly represented
by her companion, a quiet, lady-like, and rather reserved
person, of youthful appearance, though not particularly222
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
handsome. Her manners were less familiar and more cer-
emonious than is common with New Yorkers. She was
highly accomplished, and played the piano exquisitely—
when the other had n’t got it out of tune.
As dissimilar as their better halves, the husbands de-
serve a word of notice. The first we studied as a good
type of the most obnoxious animal producible on this side
of the Atlantic—a thoroughly low Southerner. We shall
not mention his birth-State, as it might appear invidious.
A coarse-haired, vicious-faced individual, of uncleanly,
though expensively-dressed exterior (he always looked as if
he had just put on anew suit of clothes for the express pur-
pose of rolling underneath a bed), his total ignorance of any
thing like decency, propriety, or morality, was absolutely
startling. He swore habitually, conversed pruriently,
jested obscenely, chewed unceasingly, expectorated pro-
miscuously. All his opinions were in extremes, and backed
by wagers, or appeals to physical force. Withal, he pos-
sessed the most perfect faith in the inherent, inevitable
superiority of all Southrons over persons hailing from
other points of the compass.
—Yet he found admirers. For, on his boasting, one
morning, of having squandered a couple of hundred dol-
lars overnight in places of unequivocal resort, two board-
ers, of Northern birth, admitted, “with a foolish face of
praise,” that “ it took a Southerner to spend money /”
We thought them just the prettiest samples of the genus
denominated by John Randolph and the Tribune “ dough-
face” we had ever encountered.
Husband the second was a brisk, business-like New
Yorker, “a Northern man with Southern principles”—
hence, we presume, his presence in the Establishment.
He had an office in Wall-street, and anticipated coming
in for an inheritance of land and slaves in Virginia on be-NEW YORK BOARDING-IIOUSES.
223
half of his wife. He would prove to you scripturally, po-
litically, and every sort of way, the blessedness of the
“ peculiar institution.” He was one of the admirers of
the brute before described.
Yet if the worst-bred man we have known claimed
Southern origin, so also did the best, and with him we
shall conclude our Chapter. He was a handsome young
Louisianian, very frank and good-humored. We have a
suspicion that some college escapade had brought him to
New York—chiefly founded on his getting us to make,
from a daguerreotype, an outrageous caricature of a pro-
fessorial-looking gentleman, with a rigid face and a white-
choker, whom we presume had officiated as his tutor.
(He had it lithographed, and sent two hundred copies to
his fellow-students in South Carolina.) We never saw
him appear to other than advantage. His easy courtesy,
quiet self-respect, and invariable regard for the feelings
of others, a hot temper never provoked him to violate.
Once, however, we saw him severely tried. It was when
the Social Nuisance recently delineated ventured on some
jokes—about as delicate as blows from the fist of a pugi-
list—at the expense of Northern women. One—wife of
Doughface No. 2, an amiable little lady, only noticeable
for having a baby which was always cutting its teeth—
was present, and looked hot and disconcerted. Where-
upon young Louisiana took up the cudgels in the defense,
and in three or four trenchant sentences utterly demol-
ished the offender. The Nuisance was subsequently boast-
ing, after his usual violent manner, of practically resenting
his discomfiture, when his antagonist tapped him on the
shoulder and inquired if he were talking of him. Our
friend looked so unpleasantly resolute and menacing that
the Nuisance’s “ chivalry” sunk to zero in a moment. He224
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
blurted out a very energetic denial, and embraced an
early opportunity to sneak out of the room.
We must not forget to add that the Nuisance’s wife
had a strong admiration for the young Louisianian—which,
as she cordially detested her husband (who beat her) was,
perhaps, not unnatural. She used to question him as to
liis relatives and position in life with very little delicacy;
and invited him to accompany her on Broadway prom-
enades, or to theaters, which last she greatly affected. He
dodged these advances towards “passional attraction”
with considerable ingenuity, and without unnecessarily
wounding her self-love—until the occasion of the land-
lady’s birth-day. Then he utterly offended this Southern
Mrs. Potiphar (not a la Curtis, but d la Genesis), by
bringing home a handsome bouquet for Mrs.----. Nuis-
ance’s “lady” took it so to heart, that in disgust at the
Louisianian’s want of taste, she compelled her husban d to
find another Boarding-House. We heard that she eloped
from him subsequently.
% * * * * *NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
225
Our Southern Boarding-House is no longer in existence.
The landlady failed in business, obtained a divorce from
her husband, married again, and is now resident in New
Orleans.
10*CHAPTER XXV.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHOSE LANDLADY IS FROM
“ DOWN EAST.”
DINGY-LOOK-
the neighboring tenements, one of which is a recently
erected manufactory. The street itself is a very up-and-
down-hill thoroughfare, boasting a Presidential name; the
locality prolific of ash-barrels, hand-carts, dirty side-walks,
bad smells, children in gutters, tumble-down old houses,
and new ones of bright red brick.
Exteriorly the particular Establishment we write of is
unpromising; on entering you snuff an atmosphere sug-
gestive of cooking-stoves, confined air, and mice. Yet the
rooms are clean, for the landlady prides herself on the
performance of fortnightly scrubbings-out, which always
l||s age that it ap-
^ pears to have been
squeezed into un-
due longitudinal
development by
IN G, four-story,
frame-house in the
east-Chatham dis-
trict, standing all
askew, and of
such narrow front-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
227
come off on Saturdays. On these occasions she and her
servant are in a damp and draggled state for fourteen
consecutive hours—commencing at 5 a.m. ; her husband
goes out for the whole day, and the boarders are expected
to dine in the back kitchen.
Mr.----is a Jerseyman by birth, a New Englander by pa-
rentage. He was once—as his wife will take care to inform
you—u in the ministry,” but lost office in consequence of
outraging the feelings of his parishioners by daring to get
married without having previously solicited permission of
every man, woman, child, and old woman among them.
In early youth he ran away from college, turned barber,
spent four years on a whaling voyage, tried farming, and
kept school. He now fluctuates, Micawber-like, from one
employment to another—from commission agencies of
Patent-Hydrostatic-Fire-Proof-Pump Companies, to ped-
dling Histories of Coney Island in innumerable serial
parts, with steel-plate engravings. In these pursuits he
has so much success as, generally, to lose his expenses.
He is always frightfully “ hard up,” but contrives to meet
the demands of his landlord and butcher in some wonder-
ful manner, utterly undiscoverable.
Probably he, with his wife and family, came to New
York on some wild expectation akin to his illustrious pro-
totype’s dealings in “ coals,” which, miscarrying, precipi-
tated them into the Boarding-House business. If, at that
time, they had any idea of its proving a small Ophir or
Lilliputian California, twelve years of practical experience
has effectually undeceived them. Mrs.---’s efforts (her
husband always calls her “ Miss,” but we shall not adopt
that Down-East peculiarity)—have but enabled them to
rub along after a very shifty, desultory manner.
She was, formerly, one of her husband’s pupils, and is,
now, a shrewd, sharp, Yankee-woman, never at ease but228
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
while working, very neat, loquacious and ungraceful, and
equally proud of her pies, husband, and self—as reflecting
his importance. A minister’s wife, she thinks (indissolubly
identifying Mr.-----with his former vocation), can have
but few equals, and no superiors. She wears short dress-
es, utterly repudiates crinoline, and tucks her hair away
behind her ears. From her pronunciation you would
suppose her afflicted with a permanent stoppage of the
nose, and constantly engaged in unsuccessful attempts to
force a passage by projecting her words through it. Em-
phatically, she is a bustling, pains-taking New Englander,
with a dry relish for domestic drudgery, but as destitute
of womanly graces as a codfish is of whiskers.
The couple are very well matched, however, for there’s
as much sentiment in Mr.-------as in a candle-box. His
only pleasures—so far as we could discover—consisted in
hearing his wife talk of him to the boarders, and setting
the younger members of his family sums in arithmetic.
They are seven in number. The eldest, a newly-mar-
ried young woman of, perhaps, two-and-twenty, has a
husband employed on the city cars. He boards with his
father and mother-in-law, and sometimes has squabbles
with the latter in consequence of her habit of occasionally
borrowing $5 bills from his port-monnaie without mention-
ing it. The second, a saturnine youth, one year his sis-
ter’s junior, is a journeyman watchmaker—suspected of
having money in a Savings Bank, and of concealing his
book, that his mother mayn’t get it. The third takes
after his father, has been employed as bar-tender in a
porter-house, ticket-collector at a theatre, lottery-office
clerk, house-painter and glazier, with intervals of “ agen-
cies” and bill-collectings. He is a scampish, good-looking
fellow, and his mother’s favorite—of which position he
avails himself in pawning her dresses, when desperatelyNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
220
put to it for a “ raise.” The fourth, a girl of sixteen, is
only remarkable as being an enthusiastic admirer of the
popular novels of “ Silenus Gobb, Junior,” the whole of
which, it is believed, she knows by heart. The fifth, a
lad of twelve, possesses a faculty of non-abashment per-
fectly wonderful in its intensity, and is president of a club
of boys (established for no definite purpose) which meets
in the back-kitchen
on certain evenings,
and is occasionally
squirted at through
the key-hole by the
elder brothers. The
sixth, a pretty girl
of twelve, devotes
her entire physical
strength and exist-
ence generally to
the youngest of the family, a large baby, which can never
be got to sleep under any possible circumstances.
The meals—served in a dark back parlor which is
scowled upon by a tall rear building—are of the cheap
and dyspeptic character heretofore described in connection
with the “ Mean” Boarding-House, with some few excep-
tions. As in the a Dirty” Establishment, pork predomi-
nates. To say that all meats are overcooked, is simply
stating the fact that the landlady is a ISTew Englander,
which equally includes the facts that she has a firm con-
viction that grease ought to form three fourths of human
nutriment, and that bread and cakes, which she manufac-
tures herself’ can’t be made without soda, saleratus, and
cream of tartar.
But we can only do justice to the culinary arrangements
by inserting the following “ Rules,” discovered among a230
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
heterogeneous medley of MS. in the chamber of a literary
gentleman, who left without settling for his last month’s
board. Whether designed as a slight token of regard for
the landlady, we know not, but have little doubt that her
Establishment supplied the quarry from which the compo-
sition was wrought. As his successor, we plead the right
of discovery in making use of it.
RULES
ELUCIDATIVE OP YANKEE BOARDING-HOUSE COOKERY.
The production of Dyspepsia, Liver Complaint and bad
complexions being the principal object of this Science, it
is advisable on all possible occasions to be prodigal of
those valuable ingredients, Pork-Fat and Saleratus.
Soup.—Gives a fashionable air to a repast, and may at
any time be extemporized from the bones and scraps of
yesterday’s dinner. The condiments of rice, pork-fat and
pepper will be found necessary. The last is indispensable
To Boast Beef.—Procure a certain quantity of that de-
scription of animal food known as “ Boarder’s beef,” being
careful to select it from the corpse of a quadruped which
has not suffered butchery by the hand of man, but had
the advantage of dying a natural death, and during whose
long and useful career plentiful exercise has compensated
for inadequate nourishment. Bake for not less than seven
hours in an oven. If, at the expiration of that time it prove
horny enough to turn the edge of a knife, it may be con-
sidered properly done—and your boarders’ appetites also,
when they taste it.
For Gravy.—Melt down superfluous bits of pork, and
fragments from boarders’ plates, and mix with scrapings
from the pan which has been used in baking. Add flour
and tepid water, and serve in a lukewarm state.NEW YORK BOARDING-HO USES.
231
To make Fish-Balls.—Procure slabs of vociferously-
scented codfish. Soak potato-remnants in hot water. Mix
with pork-fat. If you have been engaged in lighting the
fire, blacking the stove, or getting coal from “ below,”
refrain from washing your hands before commencing culi-
nary proceedings, as additional flavor will be gained.
Carefully close all windows and ventilatory orifices during
baking, that the scent produced may stimulate appetite.
1ST. B.—Any “ Down East” family omitting to have Fish
Balls for Sundays’ breakfast—preparing them over night—
can by no means expect to get to heaven, at any price.
For Good “ Satisfying” Biscuit.—Take “seconds”
flour and saleratus, mix and form your biscuit. Bake
until the top crust is nearly brown, being careful that the
interior retains its original doughiness. Serve hot, as an
incentive to indigestion. 1ST. B.—A capital “ filling” pud-
ding can be manufactured of the remnants.
Meat Pie.—When meat is “ a little gone,” or, for other
reasons, unfit for baking, it can always be rendered avail-
able in a pie—the never-failing resource of good house-
keepers. N. B.—Use plenty of pepper.
Pastry—May be purchased at little expense, when
stale, from the nearest baker’s. Re-warming is an easy
process, and, by means of it, the fiction of hot “ dessert”
can be kept up for any length of time.
The inmates of the Establishment, during our time, were
as follows: Two journeymen painters, a printer and his
wife, a German of unknown vocation—who subsequently
frightened every body by having the small pox—a young
woman who practiced vocalization ten hours each day;
and a very beery glass-blower. These, with the addition
of the numerous family, sufficed to fill the house, even to
the garrets.232
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Regarding her boarders as her natural prey and heri-
tage, Mrs.-----’s ruling principle appeared to be that of
getting as much out of them, every way, as was possible.
To the painters she suggested that they “ might as well”
bestow a spare evening in “ touching up” the street door,
persuaded the German to go on errands, got the tuneful
young lady to immolate herself on needle-work, and
secured the reversion of the glass-blower’s cast-off gar-
ments for her offspring. Only in the case of the printer’s
wife did she meet with defeat. Having successively
tempted her with the prospect of quilting, scrubbing out
rooms, mending her (the landlady’s) husband’s pantaloons
—and all in vain, she became quite u down upon” the
young wife (who was soon to become a mother), and took her
revenge by relating painful stories of the dangers attend-
ant on maternity. Which, coming to the husband’s ears,
provoked indignant remonstrance, and a further question
arising between him and the landlady as to the quality of
the eggs served at breakfast, it ended in the young
couple’s departure.
These eggs, by the way, were not the productions of either
of three singularly wretched fowls, who picked up a pre-
carious livelihood in adjacent gutters and roosted of nights
in the back-kitchen. Such as they laid were sold elsewhere
for the landlady’s profit. Under an economical, though
fallacious supposition, that a male bird was an unne-
cessary expense, Mrs. ------ condemned them for some
time to a life of celibacy. This did n’t answer, so a rusty-
looking Shanghai, with a discordant crow and bald places
on his thighs—as if he had scratched off his feathers in
getting through a grating, or out of a cage—was added
to the ornithological department. The older boarders
had a tradition that the family had attempted to keep a
cow in the back yard—where she certainly could not haveNEW YORK BOARDING -HOUSES.
O o o
turned round, so limited was the area. An extraordinary
appetite, on the part of the animal, for starch—as con-
tained in shirt-fronts, collars and wrist-bands, when hung
out to dry—induced the abandonment of the idea.
We have but few incidents to relate in connection with
the Boarding-House whose landlady is from Down-East.
It is true that the glass-blower—a man with bushy whiskers
and no perceptible forehead—sometimes remained in bed,
in company with a bottle of rum, for three days together.
We recollect passing his room-door, one night, and seeing
the rain pouring in upon him from the open window, while
he half sat, half reclined, singing in a maudlin manner
the following ridiculous verse—apparently a hybrid com-
position of sacred and profane melodies :
“Jerusalem, my happy home! O how I long to see
The great Menad-ge-ree that went to Milwaukie;
And from there they went to Chicago, to see what they could see—
And from there back into Buffalo, up the Niag-a-ree.
With a fine ole-d English gentleman,
One of the oldest kind !”234
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
He used to have rows with the landlady on a subject
alluded to in a former Chapter as especially productive of
such—coals—which he laid in himself charging her with
annexing them to her own use. She generally told him
that he was “a mean man” and a nuisance. We’ve no
doubt the incriminations of both were correct. All drunk-
ards are nuisances.	«
There came, as boarder, on the removal of the printer
and his wife, a saffron-colored Chinaman, awaiting the de-
parture for his native country of the patron whom he had
accompanied to New York. He was a good-humored fel-
low, with a tail artificially lengthened by plaited silk, which
he generally wore twisted round his head. The painters
occasionally treated him to beer and spirits, but never pre-
vailed on him to drink to excess. Yet the slightest en-
couragement stimulated him to the wildest exhilaration,
when he would laugh, shout, dance and shriek in a man-
ner which excited the greatest indignation on the part of
the landlady, and the liveliest delight on that of her
boarders. Once, he was induced by general solicitation to
indulge in opium—the drug being stoutly maintained as
inherently congenial to the celestial stomach, but the
effect proved so startling as to render a repetition undesir-
able. Ching—so he was called, after making many dia-
bolical grimaces while chewing, sunk into a sort of muzzy
stupor, to presently awake in a state of frantic excitement,
when he screeched like a vulture being plucked alive, and
asserted that his head was growing so big that the room
would n’t contain it! Nor until he was half-drowned under
the tap in the back-kitchen, did he master the delusion.
Our stay in the Establishment scarcely exceeded five
weeks. It was brought to a close in consequence of our
meeting the landlady’s second son attired in our best coatNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
235
and pants, at the High Bridge, Harlem, on a Saturday
afternoon. We had long felt dubious as to our shirts
being our own exclusive property—and this little incident
decided us.CHAPTER XXVI.
THE BOARDING-HOUSE IN WHICH ENGLISHMEN PREDOMINATE.
ent exclusiveness, inducing involuntary apprehensions that
they may be brought into contact with persons whom
they won’t be able to get along with, and—what is worse
—who will be slow in admitting their inevitable inferiority.
(For every Briton, whether consciously or not, has a
thorough conviction that he is the natural superior of
every body.) Wherefore they not infrequently endeavor
to dispense with these substitutes for homes, preferring a
lodging at an English tavern or a furnished room elsewhere.
But speedily discovering that living at restaurants with
! NGLISHMEIST—being consti-
I tutional grumblers (which
we consider a respectable
quality, inasmuch as it indi-
cates dissatisfaction with
every thing that may be
made better), are prone to
indulge in this national char-
acteristic to considerable ex-
tent when necessitated to
become inmates of Board-
ing-Houses. The system
militates against their inher-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
23 7
any degree of gastronomic satisfaction,, is not to be done
at a lesser expense than would suffice to procure a greater
average of decency and comfort at that Yankee institu-
tion—a Boarding-House—they presently yield to neces-
sity. We have, however, encountered Britons of lively
and inquisitive temperament, who rushed into Boarding-
House life with ardor, as to an experience proffering them
opportunities of deep insight into the various peculiarities
of social life on this side of the Atlantic. Probably they
formed a high estimate of American character in conse-
quence.
The first care of the Englishman whose necessities or
inclinations impel him to this mode of existence, is to dis-
cover an Establishment which combines the advantages of
satisfactory diet, economic charges, and distance from
the scene of his daily labors. He is desirous of this hardly-
to-be-expected combination of excellencies for three rea-
sons. Firstly, he has a truly English regard for good
living. Secondly, he (we, with our usual good nature,
select a respectable type of the species), is at once prudent
and proud of his pecuniary integrity. Lastly, he loves
exercise, and exults in a rapid walk down-town, where he
“ chaffs” fellow employees on their effeminacy in using
omnibusses. As might be expected, these lofty requisi-
tions have to undergo considerable modifications ere he
fixes upon a Boarding-House which, he thinks, wrill do.
It—we, as usual, draw upon personal experience—is sit-
uate on the eastern side of the city, some distance up the
“ Broadway” of that quarter. A plain, four-story, red
brick house, with green blinds, and shaded by alianthus
trees. The landlady’s worser half (she is English by
birth) kept, during life, a London coffee-house, and emi-
grating to this country some fifteen years ago, died in
consequence of an injudicious attempt to vote the Whig238
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
ticket in an Irish ward. Upon which, after a decent
interval, she married her present husband, who is a New
Yorker, and became known to her in his capacity of phy-
sician to his predecessor. It was, perhaps, in order to re-
lieve his wife of any unpleasant reminiscences in connection
with this circumstance, that, immediately on effecting
matrimony, he relinquished practice, being generously
content to rely upon his wife’s exertions for a livelihood.
She is a light-haired, round-faced woman, still good-
looking, very industrious, and eminently cockneyish in
opinions, behavior, and pronunciation. She has no living
children, her only relative in the United States being tho
mother of her former husband, between wrhom and the
present a strong antagonism exists. We verily believe
that the old lady—who boards in the house, insisting on
paying up, regularly, every Saturday night—only remains
in this country (towards which she professes the greatest
contempt and aversion) in order to “ serve out”—as she
would phrase it—the successor of her son. Which fell
purpose she follows up with that sleepless animosity and
implacable malignity of which only old ladies are capable.
The cause of offense would appear to lie in the fact of the
marriage, and her low estimate of the character of Mr.-.
He is, she says, “ a regular bad ’un,” and “ not worth his
salt.” In the latter of which opinions we perfectly co-
incide.
Mr.------, indeed, confines his business operations to
playing at billiards, attendance at pugilistic encounters,
trotting-matches, rowdy political clubs, rat-hunts, and
badger-drawings. To the furtherance of these amiable pur-
suits, he is accustomed to extract loans from the boarders,
under the pretext of temporary pecuniary embarrassment
on the part of the Establishment—generally telling them
they can “ take it out” in food and lodging. His success,NEW YOEK B 0 A K 1) I N G - H O U S E S.
239
however, is but infrequent, as the old lady always fore-
warns new comers of this peculiarity, accompanying the
intelligence with an emphatic veto on the behalf of her
daughter-in-law. Mr. --------- strongly objects to this,, as
calculated to degrade him in the eyes of the boarders,
and it is said that his outraged delicacy once prompted
him to an attempt at throwing the old lady out of win-
dow. But she, defying him and arming herself with a
fire-shovel, until Mrs.-------, who, though a quiet woman,
is by no means afraid of her husband, came to the rescue,
it was, happily, not carried into effect.
The average number of boarders might be from twelve
to fifteen, of whom, perhaps, two thirds were English
born; the remainder (with one solitary exception) being
Americans. We will give the Britons the precedence in
description—first, however, devoting a few brief lines to
the prevailing domestic economy, as differing from other
Boarding-Houses.240
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Englishmen carry their own customs everywhere. They
drink pale ale in the Sandwich Islands, and would will-
ingly devour imperfectly-cooked beefsteaks in Jerusalem—
if they could get ’em. Hence, though fifteen years’ resi-
dence in the United States had modified some of our
landlady’s culinary Anglicisms, others remained in full in-
sular perfection.
For breakfast she supplied soft-boiled eggs, bacon, her-
rings, and strong black tea—seldom coffee, and never
steak. For dinner, alternate joints of boiled or roast—
literally roast and not baked, as Mrs.------at first, with
pride, informed us, though we fear the comparatively
smaller trouble of the inferior process subsequently in-
duced her to adopt it—-and puddings. Pies appeared but
rarely, being then of massive construction, thickly crusted,
and embedded in big earthen sarcophagi, every way un-
like the thin, circular comestibles familiar to American
tables. Tea—as the final meal was generally designated—
proffered a frugal display of dried toast, stacks of bread
and butter piled like planks in a lumber-yard, occasional
shrimps or watercresses, and no preserves. Our landlady’s
former London coifee-house experience was a little evident
in these arrangements.
To such fare, then—-served up in cleanly manner, if in
no great style—did the boarders assemble, Mrs. ------, her
mother-in-law, or one of the guests presiding. This latter
was a character. A little, bald, dimple-faced Briton, he
had but recently arrived, thus finally carrying out an in-
clination which seemed to have haunted him from his
earliest youth—he was then upwards of sixty. We should
suppose, from his own representations, that his enthusias-
tic admiration of the United States had instigated some
hundreds of his countrymen to precede him. “ There
was no kings,” he had said, a in Amerikey, and no taxes,N E W YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
11
so hevery-think” (he was a Londoner) “ must be hall right.”
A. dread of crossing the Aocean—how conquered we are
uninformed—seemed to have hitherto deterred him from
emigration. He was sick during the entire passage,
and brought with him upwards of seventeen coats, under
the impression that he should find it difficult to supply
himself with attire in a new country. His intended desti-
nation appeared to be Iowa, where he had a son and daugh-
ter, but the heat and musquitoes (he was bitten till his face
resembled something between a cullender and a gravel-
pit)—not to mention a narrow escape from being knocked
down and run over by a fire-engine—had effected such a
change in his opinion of American institutions that he was
not unlikely to return. Pending the settlement of this
question, and the recovery of his baggage, which had
been forwarded to Cincinnati by some ingenious bung-
ling on his own part, he put up at our Boarding-House.
Having known the landlady in the old country, and, in-
deed, abetted her exodus to the new, he was on a friendly
footing in the family, allowed to carve at table, and very
much joked by the boarders on the subject of a presumed
passion for the old lady.
Foremost among these jokers, and the moral antipodes
of their object, was a loud-voiced gentleman of five-and-
thirty, diurnally engaged in the wholesale provisions trade.
He, during fifteen years’ experience of American life, had
found nothing whatever worthy of British admiration.
Over the breakfast, or tea-table (for, happily, he did n’t
appear at dinner), he would, on the slightest encourage-
ment, launch out into a flood of deprecation of the “ Be-
nighted States”—such being his invariable appellation for
the country honored by his residence. Militia companies,
the non-universal preference of beer as a national drink,
Hew York firemen, policemen, and newspapers generally,
11242
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
Target Excursions, oysters,* and Collins’ steamers, were
the objects of his especial derision. On the latter subject
he might be considered a monomaniac. We remember
his nearly getting into a fight with one of the American
boarders in consequence of something very like an exulta-
tion about the fate of the Arctic. He invariably wore
straps to his pantaloons, an u all-rounder” collar, square-
toed boots, and a narrow-brimmed hat. He revered Mrs.
Trollope, and was a subscriber to the European,, which
extraordinary jour naif may be considered an attempt to
establish a permanent weekly raw upon the sacred person
of the American Eagle. You could always provoke his
liveliest indignation by commending the Sun newspaper.
As a fellow-boarder, he was an unmitigated nuisance.
Not more so, however, than another, a little, low Lon-
doner, whose ignoble face was fringed with sandy whis-
kers, who considered the ne plus ultra of existence to be
in connection with the Coal ’ Ole, Evans\ and cockney
casinos, who boasted acquaintance with third-rate London
actors, and was popularly supposed to obtain a subsist-
ence by acting as “agent” in selling drilling-machines,
the patentee of which he subsequently swindled to a con-
siderable extent. He had no control over himself with
respect to beer and bad puns, and would bore you, by the
hour, with stories of ’Arry Widdieombe, and similar nota-
bles with whom he professed intimacy, and had, probably,
seen once or twice—from the galleries of theaters. When
possessed of money he generally got drearily drunk in
English taverns, and came home very loud and clisputa-
* It may be worthy of remark that newly-arrived Britons invariably
denounce American oysters, while United States citizens declare that
English bivalves taste like bad half-pence. Can there be a difference of
construction in the national palates ? Or is it possible that both nations
are prejudiced?
f Now—alas!—defunct.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
243
tious. There were traditions afloat that a little auto-
graphic mistake—the substitution of another person's
name for his own—had necessitated his expatriation ; as,
also, that the one at present assumed by him was ficti-
tious. Mrs. ------’s mother-in-law regarded him with a
degree of animosity only second to that she felt for the
“master of the house”—or Americans generally. He
was deeply in arrears for board, and had experienced ex-
pulsions from other tenements for that reason.
The British lion found better representatives in other
boarders. One, a tall, manly-looking Yorkshireman, blunt
in speech, but possessing sterling sense and education,
was a good type of the class so well portrayed in Mrs.
Gaskell’s North and South. He had quitted Manchester
life for twelve months in Canada, but finding farm labor
unsuited to him, sought New York, and wr*? now thriving
apace as a cotton-broker. “The old country,” he said,
“though the comfortablest in the world—if you had
money—was rather crowded.”
In which opinion a youth of nineteen, who sported a
glazed cap, a suit of dark, sailor-like blue, and a perpetual
cigar, coincided. He had just returned, via California,
from Australian diggings, where he had sold revolvers,
and engaged in riots against the authorities. At present
he fluctuated between two projects, going to Kansas or
joining Walker. We shouldn’t be at all surprised at
hearing of his heading a filibuster republic some day.
We have to regret that the English Boarding-House
afforded us but few lady-portraits, and those of no very
prominent characteristics. A bashful young lady who
colored up if you looked at her, and was distressingly dis-
concerted when you passed the salt at dinner; her mother,
whom we always suspected of being the original of Punch’s
“Unprotected Female”—she had such a painful facility244
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
of getting into scrapes—these were rather outlines than
strongly-defined individualities. Yet one peculiarity of
the last-mentioned lady deserves chronicling. She inva-
riably asked every healthy-looking individual whether he
did n’t come from the old country, and recived negative
answers with evident surprise and incredulity.
The rest of the English boarders were only remarkable
for having arrived in this country in a state of extreme
ignorance with respect to its institutions, manners, and
customs. Some—not all—knew as little of the United
States as a Polar Bear does of playing the Banjo. Their
general impressions appeared to have been, that each citi-
zen of this republic passed his time in chewing tobacco
and expectorating while seated in a rocking-chair, wore
short pantaloons, thick boots, a straw hat, and a bowie-knife,
conversed in the style of Haliburton’s Clock-maker, and
maintained a negro for the purpose of daily flagellation—as
a pleasurable mode of excitement. Which ideas—though
rapidly ignored by their owners—afforded considerable
entertainment to the American portion of the boarders.
They agreed pretty well, in general, though sometimes
a strong remark of uncomplimentary nature towards Mr.
Bull would lead to a conversational skirmish, in which
nationality ran high on either side. The Britons came
out very strong—as they would have called it—when war
was talked of in connection with the Crampton difficulty;
receiving the ironical suggestions of the Americans—about
getting naturalized forthwith, or journeying certain miles
into the interior—with great indignation. The hidea of
a Hingiishman turning his back on his country! Did n’t
you wrish you might get it ? Eh ?
We have alluded to the existence of a solitary boarder
appertaining neither to Old England or Young America.
This was an Irishman, and however Yankees or BritonsNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
245
might antagonize, it was at once whimsical and edifying
to remark how they united in one common sentiment of
dislike to the Celt. There were personal reasons for his
unpopularity. He was an ugly man with no perceptible
eyes, and a face like an imperfectly shaved ape. He
seldom washed himself, and smelt of horse-medicines,
in which he dealt. Every body was at feud with him,
especially the young Australianized-Briton, who extem-
porized an imitation brogue in his presence ; and finally
drove him from the house by the persistent utterance of
the mysterious sentence, “ 8mug Mm for a Guy /” This
he repeated in measured accents when alone in his victim’s
company. After enduring it for some time—rendered
the more annoying in consequence of his utter ignorance
as to the meaning*—the martyred Celt left, previously
forgetting to settle for his board.
We had occasion to imitate the former proceeding
shortly afterwards.
* The tormentor subsequently informed us that the phrase was pla-
giarized from the street boys of London, who thus suggest the pro-
priety of stealing (or smugging), any person of peculiar ugliness on the
Fifth of November, as a substitute for the effigy of that eminent prac-
tical Roman Catholic, Guy Fawkes.CHAPTER XXVII.
THE “PENSION FRAN£AISE.”
RENCIIMEH, and
especially Paris-
ians, possess but
little of that de-
sire for domestic
privacy charac-
terizing English-
men and Ger-
mans. They are
an out-o’-doors
population, the
streets, shops,
cafes, theaters, and places of public promenade being
necessary component parts of their existence, and home
only represented by a furnished chamber in which to pass
the night. Bachelor life in the French capital is almost
exclusively of this order, and any one who has resided in
that most attractive and mercurial of cities will at once
call to mind how common a spectacle is that of a whole
family—father, mother, and children—dining at a public
restaurant, net once, but as a general custom. We should
fancy it about as well calculated to develope home-virtues
and domestic felicity as our Boarding-House and hotel-
system—but that by the way. Eminently social as theNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
247
Frenchman is, he prefers taking his meals in places of
public resort, and as, in Paris, he can get them at every
possible scale of prices, generally does so. And if this is
discontinued on his getting married, he then aspires
rather to an Establishment than a home. Home, and the
love of it, appear to be peculiarly Saxon institutions.
When, therefore, a Frenchman expatriates himself—
which he never does willingly, as he firmly believes with
that most exquisite of cockneys, M. Beauvallet, that there
is not, never was, or will be, any thing equal to Paris—he
naturally endeavors to resume, as nearly as circumstances
will permit, his abnormal mode of life. But though New
York has its restaurants, they do not afford as many
courses at as low a price as those of the Palais Royal,
nor proffer to their guests the inclusive privileges of bread
a discretion and a bottle of vin ordinaire. There are a
score of places where he can get a perfectly Parisian din-
ner—but at a cost which, if he be poor, as is commonly
the case (for he would n’t be in the United States were he
rich), makes him shrug his shoulders and sacre with true
Gallic energy. For a very little money goes a great way
in Paris, and people retire from business on a sum which
a Broadway store-keeper would think moderate if paid
but for one year’s rent. Rent too, even for a single room,
is an important item in the expenses of our Frenchman.
Like the Englishman spoken of in our last Chapter, he
finds that he can board for an extra dollar or so over the
cost of his lodging. So he goes into Boarding-House life
accordingly.
Not, at first, into our Pension Eranpaise. He is pain-
fully conscious of his ignorance of the language, and
desirous of acquiring it, for which purpose he has pro-
cured a phrase book, a French and English dictionary and
a copy of the Vicar of Wakefield—which work appears248
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
to occupy the same position with respect to neophytes in
our tongue that Gil Bias and Telemaque do to beginners
in French. With the same praiseworthy object he be-
comes an inmate of an American Boarding-House. But
he does n’t get along very well. The Irish servants avail
themselves of his helplessness to neglect him, or to bring
him what he doesn’t want, at dinner, the landlady is em-
barrassed by his gesticulations and evident misery, the
boarders aggravate him with broken English (thinking
he’ll take to it more kindly when mis-pronounced), and
lie’s not allowed to smoke all over the house and in bed.
Which combination of inflictions, finally drives him into
a Pension Frangaise.
The particular one we select as a type of the class, is in
a street leading eastwards from Broadway, not many
blocks above Stewart’s store. Three or four signs orna-
ment its exterior, and an ever-present and powerful odor
of cookery—in which garlic predominates—hovers about
the portal. Ascending the steps and pushing back the
unfastened door, you pass from the hall into the front par-
lor, where two or three men with hair cropped a la States
prison, the bushiest of beards, and the most stiffly-waxed
of moustaches, play dominoes and smoke cigarettes all
day long. If you ’re a stranger to the place, Madame or
her husband will shortly appear.
She is a brisk little woman of forty, with a voluble
face, and a profusion of minute, barrel-shaped curls, pro-
jecting on either side of her head from beneath a very
gauzy cap of original construction. Ordinarily, in the
morning, she is loose-waisted, short-skirted, and wears an
apron—retaining, indeed, the latter peculiarity all day.
Educated in France, though born in Louisiana, she has
traveled considerably and visited most European capitals.
You will find, on conversing with her, that she under-NEW YORK BOARDING -HOUSES,
249
stands three languages, and possesses a knowledge of
French literature sufficient to set up any Fifth Avenue
belle as an immense authority. We regret to add that
she does n’t like Americans—making, however, an excep-
tion in favor of Southerners. “ They,” says she, “ are
gentlemen.”
Monsieur ----- is a little, good-humored man, with a
thick moustache, which looks as if recently inked, the
hair being black but unlustrous, and inclining to gray at
the roots. He is as polite and active a man as exists in
New York, we are sure. No boarder, though of never
so ancient standing, recollects rising before he, M.--,
had made his appearance, and come home at what unholy
hour you will, there is M.----, poring, by the light of a
shaded lamp, over a great book, to the pages of which,
from time to time, he confided mysterious entries. By
birth we believe him to be a Swiss, by adoption an Amer-
ican, in age, somewhere about fifty.
The house is a spacious and not very cleanly one, di-
vided into many apartments, partitions having still further
economized its original dimensions. We should say there
were about twenty rooms, generally comprising their full
complement of boarders. Three quarters of these are
single men, employed as working-jewelers, lithographers,
engravers on metal, etc., crafts where some degree of
taste and delicacy of hand is necessary. At least half of
their number have been influenced by political opinions
in seeking this country, and the ones as yet unspoken of
are escaped exiles from Cayenne.
To Americans and Englishmen the word banishment
has but an indefinite sound, as rather appertaining to fic-
tion, or the politics of other nations, than at all likely to
be brought within the range of their own personal expe-
rience. We know little of the sad reality, and though it
hi*250
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
exists within our midst, are not very curious about it.
Yet, however cosmopolitan the world is growing, few
there are who have eaten the bitter bread of exile without
feeling the truth of Danton’s saying, that “ a man does
not carry his country at the sole of his shoe.” Our
Frenchmen have sorrowful knowledge of this.
To be cut off from all dear and familiar associations—
to find yourself a stranger and an alien in a distant land—
to have the acrid element of politics mingling in the
current of your life, and tainting all its pleasanter influ-
ences—to rage impotently at the ban that lies betwixt
you and home—to know the heart-sickness bred of hope
deferred—this, and how much more of misery in slow
and wearisome detail, is Exile. There need scarcely be
superadded to it, as is but too frequent—Poverty.
Our banished men are of little note, and we will not
pause to inquire whether they fought at the barricades
against the drunken and murderous soldiery of Napoleon
le Petit, in his bloody coup de etat, whether they simply
cried Vive la Pepublique, or whether they were but sus-
pected of wishing success to either fighters or criers.
They were condemned to Cayenne for some, or for no
cause. Heroes like the big or little Bonaparte can not be
expected to be particular as to whose hearts and lives they
tread upon in their strides to a throne—as the Reverend
Abbott will tell us.* But if you want to learn how French-
men can curse, just mention the name of the present ruler
of their native country.
The domestic economy of our Pension Francaise is of
a hybrid character, partaking equally of American and
French peculiarities. For instance, the first meal of the
day is decidedly a New York breakfast, consisting of
steak and coffee—rather than a Parisian dejeuner—which
would, come off three hours later, and might compriseNEW' YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
251
pretty nearly every thing, inclusive of fowls, cock’s-combs,
truffles, cray-fish, lumps of sugar, salad, vin ordinaire, rum,
and radishes. But the diner, which is served at 6 p. m.
(no public meal occurring in the interim), is certainly
French. It commences with very greasy soup, contains
courses of fish, flesh, and fowl—the former in varous dis-
guises, and the latter so bony of construction and gam-
bogian in hue as to excite a suspicion that they must
have died of starvation and yellow-fever combined—and
concludes with cafe au naturel, and, occasionally, brandy.
(Frenchmen, by the way, generally contrive to ruin their
digestions quite as effectually, and almost as rapidly, as
Americans.)
These gastronomic performances take place in the rear
parlor, a spacious room, looking into an angular court-yard,
and a distracting confusion of trees, sheds and buildings.
Maps and lithographic portraits ornament the walls, and
over the closed-up fire-place are seven pictures, starting,
as appears on either side, from the same level, and each
hopping centrally until the odd one has triumphantly sur-
mounted the clock, which is large, and has its internal ar-
rangements mysteriously sunk in the flaccid room-paper-
ing. There is, too, a big screen, stuck all over with
caricatures, scissored from le Charivari, or Journal Pour
Pire, and some older ones of JSTapoleon the Third, before
his assumption of that title. And wherever his evil face
and thick moustache appears, be sure a halo of pencilled
epithets—as scelerat, polisson, monstre, coquin, Uberticide
—surrounds it. A sketch of the Count Goggleowski, as
he appears on Broadway—from the N. F". Picayune—is
also here. Borne of the exiles—especially one or two of
Polish origin—are particularly “down on” the Count,
why, we know not.
We suspect that Monsieur and Madame share this room,252
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OP
nocturnally, with a fat and formidable old lady, claiming
to be Monsieur’s mother. We further suspect a big sola
—underneath which one’s legs won’t go, in consequence
of the space being filled with beams and sacking—of
affording her the means of repose. She is—we say it
with all respect—an awful old lady. She takes snuff in
large quantities, is fearfully polite, ravenous after victuals,
and always looking sharp after the boarders’ payments.
We incline to the belief that both Monsieur and Madame
sympathize with this feeling, to some extent, good-humored
as they appear. French people, after a certain age, often
become avaricious. The passion developes itself, not in
the American manner—scheming and speculative daring—
but rather in parsimony—the shrewdest, tightest-griping,
meanest, but most courteous close-fistedness.
Our old lady came to the United States twenty years
ago, under a wild idea of realizing an immense fortune by
means of a certain invention (either blacking, varnish, or
pills), and retiring to Paris on it. She has resented her
failure ever since, and will “ fix” you, as a purchaser of
the aforesaid blacking, varnish, or pills, on the slightest
encouragement. She does the marketing, sells cigars and
liqueurs, smells of onions, and is supposed to have a great
deal of money hid away somewhere in an old stocking.
She distrusts all bank notes, and invariably converts them
into specie as soon as possible. It is advisable, in case of
your offering* her that accommodation, to scrutinize the
bills she gives you rather minutely.
Of the boarders we have not much to say. They are,
with the occasional exceptions of the exiles, cheerful fel-
lows, possessing that gaiete de cceur common to all French-
men when there’s nothing to depress them—in which case
they assume an aspect of intense misery only conceivable
in wret cats and their countrymen. All have that surfaceNEW YOEK BOAEDING-HOUSES.
253
politeness which the self-will of the American and the
self-esteem of the Briton ignore—and which has been so
felicitously compared by Punch to an air-cushion, inasmuch
as “there’s nothing in it, but it eases jolts wonderfully.”
Chief and joiliest among them is a fat, cross-eyed litho-
graphic-printer, who smokes a short clay pipe, sings
Beranger’s songs, and gets very sentimental on the sub-
ject of his mistress when he’s drunk—which invariably
occurs on the evening upon which he receives his weekly
wages. He carries her joortrait (somewhere in the imme-
diate vicinity of a red flannel shirt), and tells you how
the original was desolated at parting. Notwithstanding
which he makes love to every available female, including
Madame and the Irish servant-girl. So ardent, indeed,
have been his addresses in the latter quarter that on more
than one occasion the Celtic virgin has found it necessary
to shriek for assistance. Upon which Madame calls him
un diable and mauvais sujet, and insists on his apologizing,
which he does volubly in his native language. Once, in
consequence of the death of a relative, he inherited a254
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
legacy of three hundred dollars. On fingering the money
he immediately abandoned work and went on a fortnight’s
“ bust,” returning at the expiration of that time without
a cent, and with delirium tremens. And though Monsieur
and Madame have a sharp eye for the main chance, they
nursed him very tenderly until he got well, subsequently
tolerating a very irregular payment of arrears.
Perhaps it is as well that we should not go into any
very minute detail of the furnishings of the upper apart-
ments—or the want of them. It may be, as Madame can’t,
expect the Irish girl to wax and polish her floors after the
French fashion, she objects to the use of soap and water
—which we ’re somewhat inclined to consider a national
characteristic. The degrees of comparative dirtiness might
be thus stated: Frenchman, dirty/ German, dirtier; Irish-
man, dirtiest There’s scarcely a European nation but
could bear some improvement on the score of clean-
liness.
With which complimentary remark we quit our “Pen-
sion Fran$aisePCHAPTER XXVIII
THE GERMAN “ ©aftf)aU$.”
OUR German is not,
in general, a
Boarding-House
animal. He pre-
fers renting a
single room for
two-fold reasons—
firstly, from mo-
tives of economy.
(As he can sub-
sist, exclusively,
on sour-krout, to-
bacco, and lager-
bier, he finds the
practice of this
virtue compare
tively easy.) In
the second place, he invariably plays upon some musical
instrument—usually a noisy one—which practice land-
ladies of Boarding-Houses ordinarily object to. There-
fore, if obliged to make a contract for the supply of
his daily necessities, he does it, as it were, under protest,
and only temporarily.
Yet there are German Boarding-Houses, and were250
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
many more before the conversion of Castle Garden to its
present purpose. We select one as a sample of the class.
As few besides poor Germans board—prosperous ones
soon finding a home of their own—it will, of course, be
an humble Establishment. By far the greater proportion
of the needy, too, contrive to lodge, singly, or in twos
and threes, with some fellow-countryman. Premising,
then, that our Chapter claims to depict only the lower,
(though not the loioest aspect) of Teuton life in this city,
we proceed.
Every body knows Greenwich-street—for which excel-
lent reason we shall not inflict a description of it upon
the reader. It is there—as, where else should it be—that
our German Gasthaus is located. An old-fashioned
building, the by-gone respectability of which is not en-
tirely effaced by its decayed fortunes and the accumulated
neglect and dirt of three quarters of a century—such
a one, indeed, as Diedrich Knickerbocker might, in his
school-boy days, have known as a stylish and newly-
erected mansion. Its front is now so weather-stained
and grimy that the original bright red brick-work is in-
visible, its roof is broken and leaky, its parlor converted
into a lager-bier saloon. Between the windows of the
lower story are various signs notifying this fact to the
German public, which inscriptions, together with. long
lists of the names of Western cities (our Gasthaus has a
“ forwarding agency” for the sale of railroad tickets),
are all in that mediaeval type which, in our eyes, renders a
German newspaper an anachronism, and make us feel co-
temporaneous with Faust and Guttemburg. The three or
four ricketty wooden steps of the stoop are generally oc-
cupied by as many children—little, tow-headed, blue-
eyed, coarse-featured urchins, as Teutonic in appearance
as though they had just stepped out of the pages of theNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES
257
Fliegende Blatter. Entering the “ saloon,” you observe a
plain bar-counter fitted up with bottles, etc., sundry bar-
rels of lager-bier, a cheap Yankee clock, and some coarsely-
executed lithographs—mostly on revolutionary German
subjects, as the execution of Bltim, barricade scenes, and
the like. Near the windows there will probably be a
group or two of short, and very hairy men, talking over
little tables and lager in the most guttural of accents.
But the landlord claims our attention.
He is a stout, middle-sized man, with a broad, good-
looking face, light, curly hair, short beard, and shaven
upper lip, always in his shirt-sleeves, and seldom out of
temper. Most in-comers—for whom he always has a
word of greeting and a remark on the subject of the
“vedder,” address him by the abbreviation of some
Christian name—Hans, Gus, or Franz, as they please—he
answers to each indifferently. He is also a member of a
German militia company, and looks very portly and mar-
tial on parades and target excursions. Generally, he is
popular with his customers, in spite of a sharp eye towards
dollars and dimes—and especially so with the ladies. But
not more so than his wife is with the gentlemen.
She is equally bulky in appearance, but dark-haired, and
very talkative—so much so that conversation with her
rapidly glides into a monologue, in which you play the
part of listener, and, if unfamiliar with the German ac-
cent, a helplessly-confused one. Ordinarily she dresses in
black (perhaps in memory of two former husbands), with
large carpet slippers; and sits in her chair in a rather
masculine position. As industrious and pains-taking as
her husband, she is a jolly, hearty woman, with a propor-
tionably large appetite, a laugh and joke for male board-
ers, and a ten-widow power of tongue. Give it scope, she
will tell you stories of German student life, or repeatTHE PHYSIOLOGY OF
whole poems of Schiller, Goethe, or Uhland, with the
same zest that she displays for the sausage of her native
country; nor does she appear conscious of incongruity
while discussing both at the same time.
Herr-----and his wife have been engaged in their pres-
ent business for upwards of fifteen years, and are sup-
posed to have made money enough to retire on a farm,
did they so choose. But if Germans can be content on
little, they are tenacious of certain profit—so, though
times are harder of late years, our landlady and her hus-
band still keep a Gasthaus.
It may accommodate upwards of twenty boarders, the
average number being, probably, less. There are very
few married couples among them, and two thirds consist
of newly arrived immigrants, who intend remaining in the
city, but will, on the first eligible opportunity, find private
lodgings. Meantime it is our business to photograph
them.
Were one to drop in at our Gasthaus between the
hours of 12 and 1 p. m., and to pass behind the screen
which partially conceals the interior of the back-room, the
Establishment would be visible under its most Germanic
of aspects. Dinner is then in progress. Two tables are
spread at either side of the room, at which the boarders
assemble, sitting very close together, for other guests
contract for their mid-day meal, and, sometimes, chance
customers are present. The room is full of persons, noise,
and culinary odors of the most powerful description.
Evidently the Teutonic stomach is no squeamish one, as
the viands provided testify. Huge dishes of baked pork
swimming in grease, rank cow-beef, half-warm sour Jcrout
(the nastiest edible, we think, claiming that name), dishes
of prunes and dried apples, and soup apparently derived
from cabbages, stale beer, and moldy beans, constituteNEW YORK BOARDING- -HOUSES.
259
the fare provided. And judging from the rapid manner
in which every thing disappears down the throats of the
company, the meal is very much to its liking.
The newly arrived immigrants, fresh—or rather stale—
from five weeks’ experience of salt-water and steerage life,
are the most active of trenchermen. Many of them still
wear the queerly-fashioned habiliments which served them
on the voyage, and a more# motly and picturesque group it
would he difficult to imagine. Long green-baize coats,
with curious red worsted embroidery illustrating their
capes and pockets; scanty coats of strange colors, and
fitting so tightly that you involuntarily fancy their owners
have grown into them and could n’t take them off if they
tried; pantaloons like collapsed balloons, or the skins of
mammoth sausages; brightly braided and long peaked
caps; ugly-shaped and shapeless hats; shoes looking as
though the feet wearing them had been dipped in ink and
permitted to dry ; list slippers, leather slippers, gorge-
ously-beaded slippers, and compressive, knobby, corn-sug-
gesting boots—all these are here, and much more than we
can depict or describe.
Among the wearers are grim, wiry-haired, bristly-
bearded old men; stumpy, harsh-speaking young ones,
with moustaches so stiff and prickly in appearance that you
fancy they might draw blood if heedlessly touched; wo-
men who in their youth could never have looked pleasant or
feminine, and who now have faces as hard as those drawn
by Albert Durer, and as wrinkled u as a wet cloak ill-laid
up;” young and buxom frauleins, and unlimited children.
These last have to wait until their seniors’ appetites are
satisfied, which ordinance they submit to with some impa-
tience, making rushes at each chair as the sitter va-
cates it.
Directly any individual has “got through” with his200
TIIE PHYSIOLOGY OF
dinner, he commences smoking, with or without the ac-
companiment of lager-bier. (Indeed the fragrance of the
herb JSTicotina is omnipresent on the premises.) Pipes by
far out-number cigars, and you might venture a guess,
with a tolerable certainty of its proving correct, that the
smokers of the latter are those who have been longest in
this country. And the concourse thinning rapidly, very
soon only some few old men, women, and children remain,
if in summer, to sun themselves at the open windows of
the bar-room, if in winter, to draw closer to the red hot
stove.
At early morning and evening the same scene, with
some modifications, is repeated. But the two rooms, both
front and rear, present an especially lively spectacle on
Saturday nights, for then, after supper, the boarders give
themselves up to unrestrained enjoyment. If there are no
professional musicians among them (a very wild supposi-
tion, by-the-by), in all probability every man, woman, and
child performs on some favorite musical instrument—so
there’s no lack of harmony. Generally, too, one street-organ
relieves another, outside. Hence the amount of cotillions,
waltzes, polkas, schottisches, marches, gallopes, mazourkas
performed, might astonish any body but a German. They
sing, too, of Fatherland, and the Rhine, of Wine, and
Beer, and Maidens, and swill immeasurable lager in honor
of that quintette of agreeable institutions. They exult in
remarkable choruses, two favorite ones being that of the
“leathery” JBurschen ditty translated in Longfellow’s
Hyperion, and a mysterious refrain attached to a song
immortalizing the achievements of a certain Doctor Eisern-
bach, which appears to run thus :
u Swiddy, widdy, wim, pum, pum.”
—each word increasing in vehemence upon repetition.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
201
Occasionally, too, they indulge in that harmonic bacchan-
alization known to the initiated as a Salamander—which
consists, to the best of our recollection, of the following
performance: Rising alternately, each individual elevates
his lager, sings a little, and drinks a little ; on repetition
emptying his glass and turning it upside down in proof of
having done so. Upon which every body thumps on the
table, stamps with his feet, drums with his fists, makes as
much noise as is possible, and otherwise keeps time,
laughing and shouting uproariously. Above and around
all these proceedings a dense and ever-prevailing fog of
tobacco-smoke hovers, shrouding the company as com-
pletely, as, on a certain Homeric occasion, the clouds did
Jupiter and Juno on Mount Ida.
The house closes regularly at 12. We shall not follow
our friends into their dormitories, which are uninviting
enough, preferring to devote the remainder of our Chapter
to a few additional particulars of the Germans generally.
*	*	Ht	*	*	*
Sunday—in the United States and England the dullest,262
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES,
most stupid, and often the most irrationally passed day in
the week; either a stolid resting-place from a routine of
utilitarianism and money-getting, or an irksomely-endured
interval of puritanic privation from all pleasures, however
harmless—is a great day withdhe Germans. In summer
they invade Hoboken and Staten Island in innumerable hol-
iday groups, or crowd the decks of the little steamers that
ply on the broad bosom of the beautiful Hudson, to Bull’s
Ferry, Fort Lee, and the like easy distances. These are
economic enjoyments, as they mostly take their edibles—
and often drinkables—with them. The only excesses
committed are in dancing and lager—and, as every body
knows, lager is a beverage that does not intoxicate. Re-
turning at eventide they throng the musical taverns, the
Volks* Gartens, the Germanic precincts of the Bowery,
where music, tobacco, and lager—necessary component
parts of Teutonic existence—are to be had in their full
perfection.
Altogether they are a hard-working, honest, good-hu-
mored solid race—the best raw material which Europe
sends hither to be ground into American citizens.CHAPTER XXIX.
THE IRISH IMMIGRANT BOARDING-HOUSE (AS IT WAS). „
^	charge of a per-
verse conservatism
of character which
renders its posses-
sors very slow in
doing away with
open and acknowl-
edged evils is often
brought, and with
some show of jus-
tice, by Americans,
against English-
men. Yet if the
conduct of New
Yorkers may be taken as a sample of national feeling, we
are equally liable to the same reproach. Abuses worthy
of the rottenest despotism that ever produced barricades
in the streets of a European city have flourished (and do
yet flourish) in gloriously diabolic vigor in our metropolis;
every body knowing of, but few caring to do aught but
contemn their existence.
But the legalized villany that grew rich by transform-
ing the raw material of self-helpful labor that reached our
shores into paupers and criminals, has succumbed—at264
THE PHYSIOLOGY O ¥
last. So far we may plume, ourselves. Yet how many in-
habitants of Blackwell’s Island, tenants of States Prisons,
and miserable street-outcasts, owe their degradation to
that most iniquitous system ?
The profession of Immigrant Boarding-House Keeper is
not, however, entirely extinct, though shorn of its more
odious features, and every way possessing less opportuni-
ties of preying upon the stranger. Ignorant as Irishmen
may be, they are scarcely blockheads enough to walk from
the admirably-conducted depot at Castle Garden to such
a sty as we shall presently describe. Those who have
Western destinations—the majority—‘are at once for-
warded thither by the most expeditious and economical
routes. Those who, unwisely, prefer remaining in New
York, generally find private lodgings. Some few improvi-
dent single men may fall a prey to the sharks whose ra-
pacity was formerly so fully glutted, but for the most part
they may be compared to the ogre-giant in Pilgrim's
Progress, who sits at his cave’s mouth grinning and biting
his nails in impotent spleen, because he can not come at
his former victims.
We have, therefore, appended a retrospective qualifica-
tion to the present Chapter’s title. Our book would be
incomplete without a type of a class of Boarding-Houses
formerly so numerous. Without further prelude we pro-
ceed to depict one.
A plain, brick edifice, in one of the river-side streets of
the lower portion of the city; its ground floor fitted up
as a lowr groggery, its proprietor’s name (which is as Celtic
as his countenance) and calling displayed in attenuated
yellow letters on a black board over the doorway. On
pushing your wray through the crowd of immigrants,
“ runners,” carmen, “ dock-loafers,” and blackguards gen-
erally, vrhich constantly overflowed from the bar-roomNEW YORK BOARDING-IIOUSES.
2G3
into tlio street, you observed that the place was furnished
with some half dozen decanters, thrice that number of
tumblers, a few cigar-boxes, pipes, and matches, and a
saucer full of “ free” tobacco—for the gratuitous use of
customers. Two or three barrels of the coarsest and
commonest description of spirit distilled from Indian
corn, and colored to represent brandy, rum, or wrhisky,
comprised the store of liquors. Cheaply-colored litho-
graphic portraits of Washington, O’Connell, the vitrioli-
eally-patriotic Mitchel, and President Pierce, a copy of
“ Emmett’s Speech”—all of which had apparently served
as a rendezvous for several generations of flies—a Con-
necticut clock, and a chair or two, completed the picture.
The landlord, a thick, squat, muscular fellow—he had
risen to his position from that of “ runner”—possessed a
countenance equally indicative of cunning, rapacity, and
brutality; its general expression being the more odious
for the mask of blather and blarney ordinarily assumed by
its owner, vdien desirous of giving IsTature the lie in per-
suading you that he was a very good fellow. He had
been an adopted citizen of the United States, and his ten-
ement a “ Licensed Immigrant Boarding-House” (paying
ten dollars every twelve months to the city government)
for some years. Hence he was legally required, “ under
a penalty of $50, to cause to be kept conspicuously
posted” in the public rooms of his house, “ in the English,
German, Dutch, French, and Welsh languages, a list of
the rates of prices charged for board and lodging”—which
enactment he manifested as much care in obeying as did
the municipal authorities in compelling him to do so.
He was unmarried, though a plump, coarse-featured
young woman of half his age arrogated the position and
title of his “lady;” four or five unwashed, unkempt
urchins having sprung from the connection. “ Mrs.”-----
12266
T HE P 11 YS1ULO G Y 0 F
had also two brothers, who officiated as “ runners” to the
Establishment.
Few New Yorkers require to be told what a “runner”
attached to our Immigrant Boarding-Houses is like.
Their city is unfortunately prolific of the raw element of
which such scoundrels are composed. Big-fisted, double-
jointed “ shoulder-hitters,” who pride themselves on trav-
eling through life “ on their muscledemi-savages of
civilization, and far more dangerous than the real, inas-
much as they possess greater scope for evil—whether as
professed pugilists, election bullies, recruits for fillibuster-
ism, or “runners” for Immigrant Boarding-Houses, the
stock is identical. And as the turning out of our citizens
in considerable numbers, to do honor to the funeral of one
of the class is yet within the memory of the present gene-
ration, it is to be presumed we entertain a due respect
and admiration for them.
We believe that those attached to our Immigrant Board-
ing-House confined their operations to what might be
termed the legitimate branches of their craft, as swindling,
bullying, and despoiling such of their luckless countrymen
as could be decoyed into the place. (There are darker accu-
sations against the fraternity which we shall only allude to.*)
Like most of their tribe, they were eminently successful.
Immediately beneath the bar, and only accessible to
the landlord or his agents (one of whom officiated as bar-
tender, under the designation of “steward”) was “the
baggage-room,” a small, damp, rat-haunted cellar, always
kept securely locked—ostensibly for the better preserva-
tion of the boarder’s property, in reality to keep it from
him, in case of default in or demur against the payment
* Such as catering for houses of ill-fame, and supplying them with
victims at so much a head. German “ runners” appear to be peculiarly
liable to this charge.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
267
of any sum the landlord might think projDer to extort—
according to law. And behind the bar, in a dirty, low-
roofed chamber, used as a parlor, dining, and general sit-
ting-room, at all hours of the day, and nearly all hours of
the night, the boarders congregated.
Old immigrants and young, babies, boys, girls, men,
women, married couples, grandfathers and grandmothers.
Paddies in the caped and high-waisted frieze coats, the
brimless cciubeens, the knee-breeches, woolen stockings,
and rusty brogues of immemorial tradition. Paddies with
the “ hanging-bone’’ gait, the forelock (to be pulled in
token of subjection), the low brow denoting the serf of
fifty descents, the shillalagh and inevitable clhudeen. Pad-
dy esses whose arms were only less thick than their waists
or speech; withered old women, who seemed to have
come into the world predestinate street-vendors of apples
and peanuts; children considerably dirtier and much
less wholesome-looking than the bad potatoes they
could n’t get enough of at home—in short every variety of
those strange birds	whose necessities268
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
parent nest across the Atlantic—were here. And perhaps
it is well for us that they do wing their way hither, as
“ our Model Republic,” to quote the words of one who
told us many wholesome though unpalatable truths,
“ would find it very difficult to get along without them.”
The upper portion of our Immigrant Boarding-House
was divided into innumerable rooms, or rather closets,
each one being filthy and noisome in the extreme, infested
with all manner of vermin, and holding as many straw
mattresses, ragged quilts, and dirty blankets as sufficed
for the nocturnal requirements of the boarders—eight or
ten of whom, without regard to sex or age, were crowded
into spaces fit only for one or two. Decency was, of
course, entirely out of the question, the only object being
to stow away as many sleepers as possible.
Thus lived, and sometimes died, when cholera or ship
fever happened to break out among them (in which case
Potter’s field obtained a few tenants, and the city paid
expenses) the inmates of the Immigrant Boarding-House,
until, under every variety of fraudulent pretext, they had
been robbed of as much money and time as could be
wrung from them. Exorbitant charges for board and
cartage, in open defiance of municipal regulations, pay-
ments enforced by ruffianism, detention of property, and,
if necessary, perjury—these were but the commonest ex-
periences of the poor Irish immigrant, and too often those
of the German and Englishman also. Finally, he was de-
frauded of the last few dollars in his possession by a forged
railroad ticket, which deposited him at some three or four
hundred miles less distance than he had paid over fare for.
And there we leave him.
It is known that before the devotion of Castle Garden
to its present excellent purpose, there were upwards of a
thousand persons engaged as Immigrant Boarding-HouseNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES
2G9
keepers, agents, “ runners,” etc. Granting the improba-
bility that among these some were honest, fancy the
hordes of victims required to sustain such a brood of
harpies!CHAPTER XXX .
THE CHINESE BOARDING-HOUSE.
EW, if any of our readers,
whose daily peregrinations
have not made them familiar
with the slim figures, the
yellow-soap-colored complex-
ions, the pig-dyes sloping
angularly into the low, flat
foreheads of such inhabitants
of the Flowery Country as
we have among us. Be-
hind little stalls, or holding
trays containing bad cigars and cheap confectionery, they
haunt our public places; or squat despondently under
some authorized covert, relying on charity as stimulated
by a printed or written placard, worn tabard-wise on the
breast. Few New Yorkers, we say, but have observed
them. Yet how many of us have cast a stray thought in
such direction as where do they eat, drink, and sleep ?
and how are they lodged ? We are as little interested in
the matter as in the internal affairs of China itself, and
know still less.
For that Celestial Empire, in spite of Hue, Bayard
Taylor, Ida Pfeiffer, and similar enterprizing and intelli-
gent travelers, yet appears half fable-land to us. WeNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
271
have indistinct impressions of a large and densely popu-
lated country of impracticable conservatives, employed in
the culture of tea and silk; addicted to lanterns, pagodas,
opium, banqueting on puppies, birds’ nests, and kittens,
and to infanticide—not to mention the production of dwarf
trees, elaborately-carved and utterly-useless articles in
ivory, and similar branches of idiotic industry. We know
they are partial to dragons, both in a pictorial and theo-
logic sense (and shouldn’t be surprised to learn that
that mythologic monster yet survived in the interior);
that the women have little feet, and the men shave their
heads with chisels; that they try to frighten their ene-
mies, in war, by making diabolic noises and painting
hideous visages on their shields; and that they are now
simultaneously engaged in a murderous revolution and a
war with Great Britain, wherein it is to be hoped that
large numbers of them will be rapidly improved off the
face of the earth—and this is about all. Charles Lamb’s
immortal story of the Origin of Roast Pig might be an
authentic page from Chinese History for any thing we
can tell.
So, too, we know little of the luckless Celestials of New
York, unless a stray newspaper paragraph have enlight-
ened us. But, reader, accept our convoy, and you shall
visit a Chinese Boarding-House—perhaps two.
Down Broadway—for you, of course, live up-town—as
far as the City Hospital; and then crossing to that sinuous
thoroughfare which cork-screws its way southward to
the Battery (and which we always think of in connection
with those New Amsterdam cows whose meanderings, as
recorded in Diedrich Knickerbocker’s History, originated
the plan of the future city)—we proceed until in sight of
that colossal edifice comprising the largest publishing estab-
lishment in the United States, if not in the world. And272
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
then, turning into a mean street, in the center of which
the mire and filth of three months have accumulated
mound-high; where low groggeries, Sailors’ Boarding-
Houses, “ slop-shops,” and rag-and-bottle establishments
line either side of the way; we will dive down a narrow
alley just wide enough to admit one at a time, beside a
Dutch grocery, in the rear of which is a low, timber-built
tenement. A frowzy Irishwoman presiding at an adjacent
apple-stall, after the usual Celtic repetition of our ques-
tion, and the look of distrust (intimating that she may
conceive it her interest to deceive us)—has assured us
that “ it’s the Chaynee Boarding-House”—so we will
enter.
Up the rickety stairs then, being careful to avoid hat-
concussion by the way. The house has but two stories,
and we soon stand in front of a low unpainted door, which,
without waiting for Celestial permission, we open. Pah!
what an atmosphere!
A horrible odor! and of a mysteriously compound
character, utterly unlike any thing which has heretofore
offended your nostrils. The breath of men rendered foetid
and poisonous by the exclusion of ventilation, the reek of
strange cookery, the vapid, bitter taste of opium, the
fumes of stale tobacco, and, perhaps, other unguessable
abominations, make you gasp and sicken, as though
plunged into a plague pit. You have a strong inclination
to break halfa-dozen panes of the hermetically closed-
up windows—but repress it, take a seat and cigar, put a
bit of tobacco in your mouth—any thing to change the
predominant flavor—and look around you.
It is a queer sort of apartment, two of its sides being
fitted up with beds arranged like berths in the steerage of
an emigrant ship, one above the other, only more roughly
put together. Each shelf is calculated, apparently, toNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
273
hold from one to three persons. There are odd toys, fans,
and incongruous-looking articles you would be puzzled to
imagine the use of, on the walls, and some cheap prints.
A Chinaman is cooking something at a stove in the center
of the room—you wonder the fire don’t go out in such an
atmosphere. Six or seven others are present, and we’ll
now take a look at them.
Flat-faced, high-cheek-boned, squint-eyed, swarthy-hued,
stunted, fragile-looking mortals, of such hideously, yet
pitifully repulsive aspect, that one feels humiliated in ad-
mitting their claims to brotherhood with humanity. Mis-
erably clad, too—mostly in loose woolen frocks, with their
long plaited queues of coarse black hair gathered in a
circle on the top of their heads. They steal sidelong
glances of impotent curiosity at the strangers. One, how-
ever, is attired in European costume and speaks a little
English. To him we address ourselves.
He informs us that upwards of fifteen occupy that
apartment, and that he “ boards” them for $3 per week,
renting the floor from the keeper of the Dutch grocery
below. That they are very poor, and get their livings
by peddling cigars, working in wholesale tea-warehouses,
or mendicancy, with occasional employment about the
docks and shipping—though in the latter he adds, they
are liable to be ill-used by the Irish or Germans. That
they came to this country in the capacity of ships’ stew-
ards, cooks, or sailors, their average experience of it
dating from one to four years. He himself has been here
five, and rather prefers Hew York to Canton. Finally, he
wishes to know whether we don’t want men to load or
unload a vessel.
Responding with a mild negative and extemporizing a
pretext for our visit, we venture another question or so.
Do they all live in that apartment? He nods, and points
12*274
THE PHYSIOLOGY OP
to the shelves and closets. It is plain that they do, using
it for culinary and other purposes. Are they ever sick ?
Oh, yes—four of them have died in that room within that
number of years, the expenses of their funerals being
defrayed by contributions among themselves. They kept
them during their sickness, too. Poor Chinamen!—What
sort of food does he provide for his boarders? (We ask
this with a glance at the culinary Celestial, and a latent
suspicion that he might, on
his over-night’s return home,
have kidnapped some lady’s
“ sweet pet” of a lap-dog with
the intention of practically test-
ing the justice of the ep-
ithet.) But the answer
is, chiefly rice, always ^
tea, sometimes coffee,
and never bread. ,
We express our obligations, and proceed to another
and a delicate question. Are there any ladies among
them ? Our informant don’t or won't understand us. But
we have noticed the door of a closet at the further end
of the room partially open, and a more than usually ugly
Celestial countenance protruded therefrom. We take a
step in that direction under the pretense of admiring a
singular bird-cage—like something between a pagoda and
a dog-kennel—the door closes suddenly! The Chinamen
look as if they considered their domestic arrangements as
none of our business, and have evidently arrived at the
conclusion that we are rather ill-bred persons. We men-
tally acknowledge that our action has afforded them
grounds for the supposition, make our adieu, and depart,
in the full conviction that we have looked upon a real
Celestial lady.NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
275
It is very bad liquor we shall get in the Dutch grocery,
nor is the atmosphere particularly pure—but any thing
after the effluvium above, is a change for the better. So
while sipping at, or spilling on the saw-dusted floor, a. half
glass-full of fiery spirits, we endeavor to extract some in-
formation from the‘ landlord on the subject of his lodgers.
But he’s sullen and incommunicative, and evidently dis-
posed to suspect the existence of some covert object in-
imical to his interests. He don’t know whether there
are many Chinamen lodging thereabouts. Has heard so.
Perhaps there’s a hundred or two of ’em, altogether,
living in New York—he should n’t think there was more.
Some lives in Gold-street. His are decent, peaceably-dis-
posed men, who never interferes with you, if you never
interferes with them; and pays their rent regularly. What
is their rent? Well, he don’t see as he’s bound to tell
you. He guesses you don’t want to take board there, do
you ? And that’s all we got out of him.
We will try this bushy-whiskered, hairy-necked sailor,
who, with his low-crowned, black-japanned hat perched on
the very back of his head, is ventilating himself at the
street corner, and both gnawing and smoking a cigar at
the same time. Ay! He knows. He’s seed the John-
nies goin’ into that there doorway next block, ’side o’ the
grog shop with the name of------over it. There’s a------
of a lot on ’em too. We pause to inquire in the “grog-
shop,” and the proprietor, an unnaturally civil-spoken
Irishman, volunteers to accompany us up-stairs.
Into a room of much the same aspect as the last, but
this time looking into the street. Possessing, too, an
equally abominable atmosphere, and tenanted by at least
double the number of Chinese. Some, engaged over a
pack of cards, are evidently gambling (it is scarcely
noon), others cooking, and four or five eating. As bru-27 G	NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
talized in appearance, as miserably-clad and sordid-looking
as their recently-visited countrymen, there is little to be
seen to tempt our stay. We put a few questions to -an
atrociously hideous little Chinaman—who replies in a
fierce, snapping manner—and incontinently take our
leave, glad to breathe the air of even that foul quarter
again.	^
* * * * * *
The number of Chinese at present in this city has been
much over-rated. It can scarcely exceed one hundred
and fifty. How they live has been shown, and it may be
worth more than a passing thought, that here, in our
midst, exists a class of wretched and degraded beings,
thoroughly pagan in faith, in vices, in ignorance and
misery.CHAPTER XXXI.
THE SAILORS’ BOARDING-HOUSE.
S "?N that quarter of the
town containing the
two preceding Estab-
lishments, and within
five minutes’ walk of
the latter, stands the
tenement now claim-
ing our notice. Like
the Irish Immigrant
Boarding-House, its
exterior is that of a
low tavern, and of
equally repulsive as-
pect. A fancy marine
title over the door,
and an American flag
stuck out of an upper
window—as attractions for sea-faring men—indicate the
purpose to which it is devoted.
The landlord claims a Portuguese origin, but his fleshy,
aquiline nose, protuberant lips, and small eyes, are unmis-
takably Hebraical—to say nothing of the remorseless
wrinkles of his evil face. He has made a voyage or two
in some unknown capacity, and assumes the bonhommie278
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
of a sailor, denying his lineage with many oaths, if rallied
thereon, and boasting that he has eaten as much salt pork,
in his time, as any of his guests. His wife does not at-
tempt to repudiate her “ peoples.” She is a large, oleagi-
nous, black-haired, hook-nosed woman,*who invariably
wears ear-rings, and perfumes a room with the odor of
fried fish. Their mutual offspring—Jews are almost as
prolific as Irish—comprise something less than a dozen of
dark-eyed, nasal, and turgid-lipped children, of whom the
eldest, a slim youth of fifteen, assists his father in the
bar-room.
The tenement resembles the Immigrant Boarding-House
in internal arrangements, and, like it, is provided with a
strongly-barred cellar for the storage and “ safe-keeping”
of lodgers’ baggage. The sleeping chambers are equally
ill-furnished and uncleanly. Only the bar-room and lower
floor present any thing characteristic or worthy of notice.
We will peep therein at night, when the peculiarities of
the Establishment are visible in all their glory. We shall
assume that the landlord’s jackals (or “ runners”) *have
succeeded in inveigling a house-full of newly-arrived sea-
men into his den, there to be fleeced at pleasure.
It is a long, low-roofed apartment, extending from front
to rear, crowded with individuals, and as full of tobacco-
smoke as any assemblage of Burschen appertaining to a
German university. The chairs and benches surrounding
it are filled with sailors and females, the former enjoying
themselves with a zest which would appear only to be
known to them and to school-boys during holidays. They
hail from various points of the compass: here you may
listen to the harsh guttural of the German, there see the
light hair, blue eyes, and rough, frank, jovial look, char-
acterizing the English tar; further on, note the keen,
ready-witted physiognomy of the American. PerhapsNEW YOEK BOARDING-HOUSES.
279
tlie British are in the majority. Most of them appear
cleanly dressed, for “Jack ashore” has a great idea of
rigging himself out smartly, and if he have no money to
receive at the conclusion of a voyage—which is some-
times the case—he can always “ make a raise” by means
of the landlord, that disinterested Israelite advancing it
on the certainty of repayment out of Jack’s next trip, a
month’s wages of which he knows he can secure before
his departure. Which sum, indeed, besides every dollar
possessed by his guest on debarkation, he will probably
obtain; for no Guinea negro on the Slave-Coast is more
completely bought and sold, or less the master of his own
actions, than Jack in the hands of his crimping landlord.
Such reflections, however, do not trouble our tars at pres-
ent, as, clad in trim bine jackets and trousers, with black
tarpaulin hats stuck, a la ladies’ bonnets, at the very back
of their heads, they abandon themselves to the pleasures
of the hour. All are smoking, many laughing, and not a
few telling yarns of an extent and nature demanding in
the listener the gullibility of Marryat’s Pacha, And more
than one “ old salt” has been doubling the Horn with such
hearty good-will as to be “ half seas over.”
At one end of the room two fiddlers are uniting in the
production of harmonic discord sufficient to drive Ole
Bull frantic. A third has succumbed, either to profes-
sional enthusiasm or to the amount of liquor injudiciously
bestowed upon him by his admiring audience, and now
lies in a corner, his countenance decorated after the style
of a New Zealand chief by an artistic performance in
burnt cork. His two friends have, also, sympathizing!y
relieved him of a pocket full of copper coin; it being the
custom at the conclusion of each dance to bestow volun-
tary contributions on the orchestra.
To this accompaniment half a dozen persons of either280
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
sex are dancing. The figure, an abnormal one, is kept up
with energy worthy of the Fifth Avenue, when in full
performance of the German. Stamping, capering, jig-
ging to and fro, hands across and down the middle—such
is the order of the night—till the sanded floor vibrates
again, and the glasses on the table tinkle with sympa-
thetic excitement. The male dancers are all sailors, their
partners being coarse, fat, vulgar-looking young women,
whose bloated features indicate confirmed habits of drunk-
enness. They have very hoarse voices, wear necklaces
and large brass ear-rings, call each other sisters, and
affect bright red or yellow dresses. Three of them re-
side constantly in the house, and are imjDortant adjuncts
to the landlord in the one great object—pillaging his
guests.
A seaman’s life ashore, unless he have sense and thrift
enough to seek one of the well-managed and orderlyNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
281
houses especially instituted for his benefit, is invariably
characterized by reckless extravagance and dissipation.
As a natural sequence, he is victimized every way—even
more atrociously than the Immigrant was. Overcharges
from the landlord, robberies on the part of “ the ladies,”
money borrowed at usury, watches or clothes pawned for
the means of “ spreeing”—these comprise the outlines of
a tar’s experience among the land sharks. Finally, when
despoiled of every thing, he is made over by the arch-
crimp, his landlord, to the mate of some vessel needing
“hands,” put aboard when helplessly drunk, and thus
shipped off for another voyage. And if he survive the
revolting barbarities to which he is commonly subject at
sea—of which let Liverpool police-courts and our own
newspapers testify—he only quits his “hell-afloat” (Jack’s
own epithet for the majority of American vessels) to land
at some foreign port, after the expiration of months or
years—there to repeat the same experience.
The keepers of Sailors’ Boarding-Houses are not re-
quired, by law, to take out a license. Perhaps our legis-
lators know why they are thus favored. We don’t.CHAPTER XXXII
THE BOARDING-HOUSE WHICH GIVES SATISFACTION TO
EVERYBODY.
* * * * * *
* * *
* * * *
* * * * * * *
*	»}»	5j»	5}C
* * * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
He *CHAPTER XXXIII.
OF DIFFERENT SORTS OF BOARDERS.
T length, Reader, our Physiology
draws towards its conclusion,
Not that we have exhausted
the subject—to do that would
necessitate the devotion of a
particular chapter to every
Boarding-House in the city of
New York; for not one of
them, as has been already inti-
mated, but possesses its own
peculiarities. Such a task
might be achieved only by a
Briareus or Alexandre Dumas.
It suffices us to have selected
types of the more prominent,
and, to the best of our judg-
ment, note-worthy Establishments.
Yet there are particulars remaining which should form
part of our subject, though not conveniently admissible,
or only cursorily alluded to, within the preceding pages.
Our book has necessarily included a considerable variety
of boarder character, yet we find some very recognizable
types of it still unportrayed. To remedy which we write
the present Chapter.284
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
For instance, what person familiar with New York
Boarding-Houses hut has encountered, and what propri-
etor or proprietress of such Establishments but has, at
some time, been victimized by one of that obnoxious
tribe popularly known as Shark Boarders? We shall, in
a final Chapter, have occasion to speak of many griev-
ances incidental to the vocation, but this—exposure to
the meanest kind of robbery—is one to which all, from
the landlord of the palace hotel on Broadway to the poor
old maid who starts a “ Hand-to-Mouth” Establishment
in the hope of obtaining a meager subsistence—are liable,
and perhaps the direst. Samples of the genus, both male
and female, have incidentally illuminated our pages, but
were we to chronicle all the diversities of the species, our
volume would suffer literary Elephantiasis.
The Shark Boarder is of every aspect, and in no wise
to be detected from outward
appearance. Now an indi-
vidual of imposing address,
dashing exterior, and pre-
sumable opulence; now—
though less frequently—a
quiet, unassuming, and, osten-
sibly, respectable person, who
is always expecting to receive
money which experiences un-
looked-for delays in reach-
ing its destination. We have
known Sharks under the dis-
guise of clergymen, or of
Bostonians; we remember
one who passed himself off as
a Shaking Quaker; another who went about seeking what
she might devour, as the abbess of a Spanish nunnery. Pro-NEW YOKE. BOARDING-HOUSES.
285
teus, the Bravo of Yenice, the author of Junius’ Letters,
or any other generally indefinite personages that may be
mentioned, were nothing to them.
In many cases the Shark Boarder pays liberally and
promptly on the outset, with a view to future credit. If
of the male species, he generally endeavors to ingratiate
himself in the good graces of the landlady. Weak-
minded women—-there are such, even among mistresses
of Boarding-Houses—are his especial prey. Ladies such
as those presiding over the Establishments described in
Chapters the Fifteenth and Seventeenth, could scarcely be
expected to resist the fascinations of flattery, dyed mous-
tachios, half a yard of pendant watch-chain, and a flashy
style of dress and conversation. This description of
Shark possesses his female counterpart, who, were a mu-
seum of Social Ichthyology established, might be labelled
in it as very dangerous—especially to young gentlemen
boarders. Our “ Tip-Top” Establishment has afforded a
choice sample of the species, which is uncommonly
prevalent in hotels and stylish Boarding-Houses. Ordi-
narily, the lady Shark is handsome—or has good-looking
daughters.
A considerable number of these pecuniary vampiresTHE PHYSIOLOGY OF
exist in New York, who are Jmown never to pay their
way, decamping surreptitiously when it becomes evident
that their exactions will no longer be submitted to, or
impudently remaining till expelled. Of course, they
are encumbered with very little baggage. We have a
story of one of the fraternity which may be worth the
telling.
There came to a Private Boarding-House a quietly-
voracious young man who affected extreme piety, and
told the landlady, on his arrival, that he was desirous of a
room where he should be undisturbed in his devotions—
which ought to have put her on her guard. He professed
to have employment at some Bible or Tract publishing
institution, where it was generally understood that the
“ young men” sung hymns during their dinner hour, and
always “ asked a blessing” when they put on a clean shirt-
collar. The landlady formed a favorable opinion of her
new boarder, which only began to decline on his getting
in arrears. This commenced at the second week, and
continued till the date of his expulsion, nearly two months
afterwards. She could neither obtain payment or get
him to quit. When dunned, he wept and invented excuses,
telling her how his pocket had been picked at the Taber-
nacle—how his feelings had impelled him to give his
wages to a missionary who “ came up in the office”—how
his grandmother had written from some remote Western
locality, stating that she had been compelled by pecuniary
distress to pawn her entire wardrobe, with the solitary ex-
ception of one unmentionable flannel garment. Mrs.--------
clung to hope awhile, tolerating her boarder until the ser-
vants complained of the pious youth’s accidentally finding
his way into their rooms nocturnally. He then received
a strong intimation that his apartment was wanted. Still
he wouldn't go. He appeared, as usual, at meals—whenNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
287
the landlady didn’t like risking a row before her board-
ers-—but having no latch-key, was accustomed, at night, to
ring softly; stealing up-stairs, on gaining admission, to bed.
Finally, the other boarders took the matter in hand, and
having locked and bolted the street-door, placed them-
selves at an upper window to await the result. Eleven
o’clock came, and with it a gentle application at the bell.
Looking out, they beheld an indistinctly-seen figure ap-
parently engaged in an attempt to pick the lock—upon
which figure the contents of a couple of ewers were im-
mediately discharged. But imagine the astonishment of
the party when, instead of seeing their victim slink off
wdth the air of a detected pick-pocket, they observed
him clutch the bell-handle,
and pull it with frantic vehe-
mence, again and again, ac-
companying the act with vig-
orously-bestowed kicks on the
lower panels of the door.
Flesh and blood could not
stand this. The boarders in a
body rushed down-stairs, and
fell, with fist and foot, upon
the author of the clamor.
Not until he had been severely
pounded did they discover
that it was—not the Shark Boarder, but a highly estima-
ble gentleman—quite the model man of the Establish-
ment ! Yet, still worse; during the melee, as subsequently
appeared, the Shark had arrived, and slipping in unob-
served at the open door, had gained his room. He
left, however, very early next morning, and for good,
taking with him a pair of pants belonging to another
boarder, two coats, a watch, and a copy of the Rev. Mr.288
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
Splurge-on’s sermons—which lively* volume had been loaned
to him by the landlady.
We have, several times, during the progress of our work,
had occasion to allude to Pet Boarders. Who has not some
knowledge of this species? We have yet to encounter
one Establishment in which Pet Boarder-ism does not, in
some degree, exist. It would appear to be an inevitable,
though highly objectionable appendage to the Institution.
In strength and potency it admits of the greatest diver-
sity, from open, recognized despotism, to the mild, insid-
ious, covert authority which is rather felt than seen, and only
detected by the narrowest scrutiny. A comparatively rare
case, such as we have described in Chapter the Fifteenth,
would be at once observable, but not so with others. You
may live twelve months in a Boarding-House, utterly un-
conscious of the existence of a Pet, albeit every meal you
have partaken of during that time has been especially pro-
vided with a view to pleasing his appetite. We say his^
never having discovered a lady Pet—unless merely ad-
mitted as a partaker in her husband’s privileges.
Some live by it. Admitted on the express agreement
that they shall undertake what in theatrical parlance is
denominated “ general utility business”—as carving at
table, leading the small talk, and, so to speak, ingeniously
blending the parts of family-man and head-waiter—they
may be termed gastronomic dead-heads, and though not
occupying a very dignified position, are otherwise un-
objectionable. Some glide into office from indolence,
abetted by stress of circumstances, and are, finally, mar-
ried by their landlady. We have heard stories of the
system being so formally recognized that preliminary
stipulations were entered into as to what the Pet was to
“ eat, drink, and avoiddishes of rarity and price being
tabooed to him, and he expected, in no case, to send hisNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
289
plate up twice for pie. But under such controlment he
is, manifestly, scarcely entitled to his denomination. The
true Pet Boarder is he who pays and rides, openly or in
secret, over the appetites of his fellows. Mildly facetious
gentlemen—not “ funny” ones, for landladies, in common
with their sex, are rather afraid of them, as they don’t
know but that they may be induced to laugh at something
that’s not proper—clergymen, and stupid, respectable, old
gentlemen are very apt to become Pet Boarders. An in-
fallible instance of their position is the appearance of some
exclusive dainty in their immediate vicinity at table, of
which nothing is said to the other boarders. If you ask
for it and pass it on—as we always did (on high moral
grounds), be sure that both the Pet and landlady will hate
you intensely. We have an anecdote illustrative of this
phase of Pet Boarderism.
We were once sojourning in a stylish Establishment
where there was a Pet Boarder—a faint, fair man, of
Oarherish aspect with respect to teeth. He used to carve
at table, and always took care to reserve for himself the
daintiest bits. We resolved to punish him by plagiarizing
the conduct of the sculptor Chantrey on a similar occasion,
and lay in 'wait for a good opportunity. In due time it
chanced that one small, special delicacy was placed before
him. He, very graciously, assisted those nearest to him
to the inferior parts, proffering some to us—which we
declined, until, having disposed of all but the very
choicest portion, he was about to transfer that to his own
plate, when we begged to be allowed to change our
minds, and—received the plate from the hands of the
waiter. The Pet’s face was awful to contemplate. He
had the additional satisfaction of seeing us send our
plate away after disposing of a few mouthfuls of its
contents.290	THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
All Pets, when known to be such, are detested by their
fellow-boarders—and deservedly so.
Of Disagreeable Boarders we have exhibited some, per-
haps too many, samples. But besides those who are ob-
noxious in their own peculiar and private capacity, there
are numerous publicly offensive ones who, like the Shark
and Pet, appear inseparable from the system. Inevitably
comic gentlemen, for instance, who enjoy clique fun over
the dinner-table, laugh loudly at one another’s bad jokes,
and talk indirectly at fellow-boarders. Argumentative in-
dividuals wffio seize upon every opportunity for controver-
sial fisty-cuffs, lose temper, get red in the face, and shout
at one another. Politicians generally. People who pride
themselves on their dignity, and try to “look down”
those whom they must meet, three times a day, at the
same table. Vulgar people who rush into the opposite
course of extreme familiarity with every body. Husbands
who are absurdly jealous of their wives, and pick a quar-
rel w ith you if you pass a lady’s plate, or tell her that it’s
a line day. Old maids of the keep-your-distance-and-know-
your-betters order, who have preternaturally good noses
for snuffing out moral taints in the most innocent wrords
and actions, and are, constitutionally, down on humanity.
Solemn old foozles who think a laugh betokens want of
respect for their dignity, aiid resent the mildest differ-
ence in opinion with a heavy malignancy of which only
stupid people are capable. Unmitigated pious people who
will have “grace” said before meals, who sit in judgment
on their fellow-boarders, and look eternal sulphur-and-
pitchforks at you if you talk of theatres. In short, all
persons w7ho ride their hobbies without regard to the corns
of their neighbors, may be classed under the head of Dis-
agreeable Boarders. Lovers of scandal deserve a worse
title, but that is a plant indigenous to Boarding-Houses,NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
291
and until the advent of the Millennium we despair of seeing
it eradicated. We believe—as we hope—that the Insti-
tution will be extinct first.
We have known a few instances of Mysterious Board-
ers. One (heretofore alluded to in our pages) was an old
lady who took her meals in her own room, having made a
special contract to that effect with the proprietress of the
Establishment. She never went abroad, but spent her en-
tire time in the indulgence of a raven-like predilection for
obtaining surreptitious glimpses of the boarders, as they
ascended to, or descended from their chambers. For this
purpose she lay in wait constantly, at all hours of the day
and night, generally keeping the door of her apartment
open to the extent of about two inches, and invariably
closing it with a bang when you had passed—as if she re-
sented your existence, and took that way of informing
you of the fact. It was a singularly disconcerting prac-
tice, placing you in the jiosition of one who took a lib-
erty—in walking up-stairs. Its effects on a newly-ar-
rived boarder were peculiar. He became low-spirited,
thought of his sins, and was haunted by a lively apprehen-
sion of some indefinable retribution impending over him.
He passed the door at midnight with a shuddering con-
viction that a Spectral Eye was watching him through the
key-hole. Finally, he waxed resentful, bought a pair of
creaking boots, and when the door opened softly behind
him, had to repress a strong inclination to shriek out, or
to throw up one leg, or to jump several feet into the air,
bringing his heels into violent concussion on descending,
or similar saltatory proceedings. Sometimes the Mys-
terious Boarder glided to the stair-case, and called, over
the bannisters, in a spectral voice to the servants. She
was peculiarly restless just before dinner. Passing her
door at that period—especially if you encountered theT H E PHYSIOLOGY OF
servant bringing up her dinner, and so got caught, as it
were, between two fires—was always a nervous transac-
tion. It affected us to that extent that had there been a
fire-escape, or a rope-ladder handy, we should have pre-
ferred that mode of descent to the stair-case. Only on
two occasions do we recollect the Mysterious Boarder’s
quitting her own apartment for the lower story. She re-
mained invisible on the first. The boarders were assem-
bled at the breakfast-table, when the door of a small room
at one end of the apartment (occupied by the landlady)
suddenly opened to the width of two inches, and, in the
midst of a dead silence, a Voice demanded of the company,
generally, “Has my paper come yet?” The second in-
stance was far more appalling, and experienced by us, in-
dividually. We had come down late to breakfast, and
were, subsequently, luxuriating over one of “ Byles’ ”
exquisite letters to the Tribune, in the front parlor—all
alone—no person being visible in either that or the rear
room. When, happening to raise our eyes over the top
of the page, to our infinite horror and astonishment we
beheld the Mysterious Boarder glowering at us. She was
dressed in black, wore spectacles, and had a white hand-
kerchief tied round her head, the loose ends of which
projecting upwards at the top, gave her a strong resem-
blance to a large, horned owl. Solemnly advancing, she
seized the Times and slowly retired, her spectacles still
fixed remorselessly upon us. Incontinently we dashed
down the Tribune and fled.
The landlady, when questioned, informed us that she—
the Mysterious Boarder—was an estimable person, and
possessed a fine mind. We did not question the fact, but
should have been glad to have seen it direct its owner to
some more cheerful mode of entertainment. By the
boarders, generally, she w7as known by the soubriquetNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
293
of “Grace Poole”—after the twin Mystery in Jane
Eyre.
We knew another Mysterious, or rather Incomprehen-
sible Boarder. He labored under two extraordinary hal-
lucinations—the one that womankind, in general, adored
him and were bent on persecuting him to the death with
their addresses—the other that Nature had intended him
for a Cortez, a Pizarro, or a Walker. Now, as he was by
no means a handsome or intelligent individual, being, in-
deed, rather common-place—not to say ignoble—in ap-
pearance, the opinion he entertained of his merits was,
moderately speaking, a cool one. And when he burst into
tears over the dinner-table, while bewailing his unappre-
ciated talent for conquest, and demanded, with much ex-
citement, “ a hundred thousand men,” that he might carry
the Stars and Stripes throughout the length and breadth
of South America—it became very unpleasant for his
neighbors, one of whom we happened to be. Further-
more, his faith in his own powers of fascination induced
him to write an excessively ungrammatical love-letter—
wherein the personal pronoun was invariably represented
by a small i—to a handsome lady-boarder; and, subse-
quently, to favor her with a visit at her country-seat. We
believe that he was rather “ hard up,” and that the land-
lady good-naturedly allowed him to remain for six weeks
or so without demanding payment for his board. She ex-
perienced some difficulty in getting rid of him. He was
discovered in his room on several occasions at remote in-
tervals after his nominal departure, and, more than once,
came down ta breakfast as heretofore. He also contracted
a habit of calling on the boarders—especially one—a cler-
ical gentleman—and negotiating small loans in the hall—
incidentally displaying a large cheese-knife, which he car- *
ried under his coat during such transactions. We don’t
know what became of him.294
NEW YORK BOARDING-HOLSES.
Another, and a still more eccentric instance shall con-
clude our Chapter—which is already protracted beyond
its legitimate limits. There came, as boarder, to a certain
Establishment, a Strange Gentleman of foreign aspect,
who stipulated for private gastronomic arrangements, and
owned a large hairy dog, which he used to beat, regularly,
for a quarter of an hour after each meal—breakfast, din-
ner, and supper. This, he said, he did for exercise. On
the second evening of his domiciliation he asked the land-
lady’s permission to unbolt a trap-door leading to the
roof, in order to enjoy the fresh air, which, the doctor
told him, was good for his stomach. She according it, he
spent two hours on the top of the house, and then began to
pull down chimney-pots, and to hurl them into the street.
Two policemen and some of the male boarders subsequently
secured him, just as he was preparing to descend (attired
only in shirt and boots) the interior of a chimney, having
already forced his dog to precede him! He proved to be
a lunatic, recently escaped from the confinement in which
his friends had placed him.CHAPTEE XXXIV.
EETEOSPECTIVE AND VALEDICTOEY.
HERE is an old story of
a certain painter, who
having depicted a man
in the act of overcom-
ing a lion in single com-
bat, submitted his per-
formance to one of the
latter species for criti-
cism, which was ac-
corded in the simple
remark, that had the
artist been a lion, the
relative positions of
the parties represented
might have been differ-
ent. We apprehend a somewhat similar judgment will be
passed upon our volume by the proprietors and proprie-
tresses of New York Boarding-Houses. If the writer,
they will say, had experience of keeping, instead of board-
ing, at our Establishments, this “Physiology” would not
have contained half so much matter derogatory to our
calling, and infinitely more at the expense of our board-
ers. Now, without wishing to disparage leonine or land-
lordial censure, we have a word or two to say in antici-THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
2P6
pation of such (inevitable) objections; as, also, in con-
clusion.
In the first place, we would profess that our book is
pretty honestly written. If we have described obnoxious
landladies, our pages have included equally objectionable
boarders; nor are we conscious of invidiousness in the
portrayal of either. The keepers of Boarding-Houses are,
as a class, neither better nor worse than the majority of
persons who rely upon their own exertions for a liveli-
hood. Charges of meanness, of selfishness, of-a rapacious
advocacy of their own rights and a notable indifference to
those of others, may, as often, and with as much justice,
be brought against boarders as landladies. We have
known some of the latter every way superior in mind,
morals, and manners, to those who met at their tables,
and whose whims and exactions they—to a certain ex-
tent—were obliged to tolerate, in virtue of their position:
we have encountered others of the meanest, most mer-
cenary, most offensive description. Of which our Physi-
ology may testify.
The vocation is a singularly unhappy and irksome one,
involving much risk and responsibility, and possessing no
uncommon facilities for realizing pecuniary profit. If
Boarding-Houses had existed in Job’s day, and the Arch-
Enemy had clapped that respectable patriarch into one,
as landlord, for a month or so, we have no doubt that
he would have adopted Mrs. J.’s advice and done the
a cussing” incontinently. Nor are the general relations
between a landlady and her boarders too conciliatory.
Our readers will scarcely have failed to remark, in their
own experience, as in our volume, the spirit of antagonism
commonly prevalent. Very frequently boarders and land-
ladies get to regard each other as natural enemies. The
fault, we take it, lies—as faults, usually do—equally onNEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
297
either side. In boarding, as in other matters, we are—all
of us—prone to think rather of what is due to than from
us; hence boarders become aggressively selfish, and land-
ladies—discovering how little sympathy or consideration is
felt for them—passively so. In most cases the former are
more unthinkingly than intentionally unjust; albeit we
have, certainly, observed some instances of exaction on
the part of boarders thoroughly Shylockian in their in-
fernal selfishness. We knew a “lady” to originate a row
in a Boarding-House in consequence of a temporary delay
in lighting her fire, when the mother of the proprietress
lay dying ! Our general experience would indicate that
the gentler sex are less considerate towards one another
than male boarders. We never yet encountered a lady
who professed herself satisfied with her Boarding-House.
Men may be hasty, but hardly so exacting. If the reader
doubt this assertion, we emphatically refer him to the
proprietress of any Boarding-House with whom he may
be acquainted.
Landladies are, from the nature of their position, in-
evitably cognizant of most of the little meannesses, jeal-
ousies, and faults of their boarders—for in no place does
an individual exhibit himself more completely in his true
colors than in a Boarding-House. It has just enough of
the freedom of home to induce a conviction that one may
act as he pleases, but none of its restraining sanctity and
responsibilities. (We have witnessed a stormy altercation
over a breakfast-table in consequence of a boarder’s dis-
appointment in not getting a penny roll.) Unless of un-
usually secretive disposition, you can’t live for any length
of time in one of these Establishments without having all
your failings “ reckoned up” sans mitigation. And never
flatter yourself with the idea that they are not talked
about by your fellow-boarders. You might as well sup-208
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF
pose that what you say of them will not he carried to
their ears. That unluckily-constructed Sicilian confessional
which repeated penitents’ whispers in a place of public
resort was not better adapted to the diffusion of mischiev-
ous information than are Boarding-Houses. The evil is
inherent, inevitable.
We have often thought that the most appropriate simile
we could hit upon for a Boarding-House is afforded by
what showmen denominate “ a Happy Familywhere a
number of animals of incongruous, antagonistic, and con-
flicting natures, are confined in a single cage—it being
gratuitously assumed that they have conquered their in-
stinctive aversions to each other’s society. And, to be
sure, they stand on their good behavior when in public*.
But who shall speak of the desire the dog must possess
to strangle the cat; the inclination the owl must have to
lunch off the mice; the intense longing existing in the
sable bosom of the raven for the gratification of taking
out one of the guinea-pig’s eyes. Let Dickens’s Haven—
from whom we borrow the last illustration—reply. As with
the “ Happy Family” so with the inmates of a Boarding-
House. In an indiscriminateiy-got-together community,
where, like our national democracy “ one person’s as good
as another, and a good deal better”—it is in the nature of
things for people to conflict—and conflict they do, accord-
ingly.
There is only oiste way of avoiding Boarding-House
squabbles—a strictly-acted-upon system of Non-Inter-
course with fellow-boarders. In which case you’ll only
be considered “ stuck-up,” and detested in consequence.
Which is, comparatively, easy of endurance when con-
trasted with other risks.
We are inclined to believe that ill-bred persons fare
best in Boarding-Houses. Just as, were a lady of educa-NEW YORK BOARDING-HOUSES.
290
lion and refinement and a Zooloo-Kaffir to sit down at
one common ordinary, in all probability the latter would
come off best in the eating department. Exacting people
are hated—but they get what they want, and, generally,
have their own way.
Our objections to the Institution of Boarding may be
all summed up in one sentence. That, as our virtues are
much more dependent on our surroundings than we are
willing to admit, when the check of home is removed (and
a Boarding-House is, emphatically, not a home) all sorts
of evils are liable to rush in. The good that exists in these
Establishments does so in spite of the system, which is in-
herently mischievous. But it wrere useless to rail against
them. We have to accept the Institution as we do our
existence—and make the best of both. It is part of our
anomalous social state, and so long as it is next to an im-
possibility for those who desire to live at once privately,
decently, and economically, to find a suitable dwelling in
this city—so long as there’s scarcely any medium between
mansions far beyond the reach of men of moderate in-
comes and miserable tenement houses—sp long as a large
proportion of our citizens entertain the idea that an in-
ordinately extravagant style of house-keeping is abso-
lutely necessary to secure position; and that attempting
comfort in an humbler sphere is rather contemptible than
otherwise—so long as young men can?t afford to get
married, and young ladies object to the “trouble” of
household ministry—in short, so long as New York as-
pires to become a Brummagem Paris (and does it very
clumsily), Boarding-Houses will, undoubtedly, continue to
exist. Of their general effects on individual and metro-
politan character we have no doubt. Charles Dickens
half charged Americans with “an inaptitude for social
pleasures.” Granting that there may be some grounds300 NEW YOEK BOARDING-HOUSES.
for the accusation, has not this universal barrack system
something to do with its existence ?
Reader, our task is done. Hoping that we part friends,
with all good-will we bid you Farewell.
X