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Cornell University Library 
 KF 306.Z9R28 
 
 Lawyer's code of ethics :a satire /by Va 
 
 3 1924 018 775 233 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of tliis book is in 
 tlie Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924018775233 
 
LAWYER'S 
 
 CODE OF ETHICS. 
 
 A SATIRE. 
 
 By VALMAER. 
 
 " Tickle ike world and make it grin. 
 The more you tickle the more you^ II imn : 
 Teach the luorld^you'll never groTv rich^ 
 But Hue like a beggar, and die in the ditch.' 
 
 ST. LOUIS: 
 THE F. H. THOMAS LAW BOOK CO. 
 
 1887. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1886, by 
 
 THE J. H. THOMAS LAW BOOK CO., 
 In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. 
 
DEDICATION. 
 
 By consent of the publishers, whose good name is 
 well established, this book is dedicated to the memory of 
 two men who were admitted to the bar with the author — 
 the three being the only ones out of a class numbering 
 unlucky thirteen who passed the examination. One of 
 us was sent to a State's Prison for embezzlement; one 
 was sent to a State Legislature — • whj^ I do not know ; I 
 could never discover what he was charged with — smart- 
 ness, I suppose. And the reader, before he is through 
 with this book, will no doubt wonder why the other one 
 of us was not sent to an idiotic asylum. 
 
 Valmaer. 
 (3) 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 This book was written while the author was suffering 
 great mental anguish. If the reader does not find it as 
 funny as its title would indicate he must forgive the 
 writer and cuss the anguish. This volume was written 
 to be published, and published to sell. Not to sell the 
 purchaser, but to sell to every member of the legal pro- 
 fession, and to every individual in Christendom who has 
 the money to pay for a copy of it. This code was de- 
 vised after mature thought of about a minute, and writ- 
 ten as rapidly as the author could write, for fear he 
 would forget his best ideas. After you read it you can 
 tell if anything " got away." The author is poor, as all 
 authors are, and wrote the book to make money, as all 
 authors do — and it remains for the public to pass judg- 
 ment on it. If he has inflicted pain on a generous peo- 
 ple, as many writers do ; or if he has pleased the reader, 
 as few writers do ; will be seen by the number of copies 
 the publishers sell. Confidentially, I would advise 
 everybody to buy this work. I speak from a knowledge 
 of the authorship and of all the details connected with its 
 production. Then you ought to do it to help the pub- 
 
 (5) 
 
6 PREFACE. 
 
 Ushers out (of abaci contract). No library is complete 
 without it, not even a Sunday-school library. It is as 
 necessary to the student as Blackstone is. A lawyer in 
 active practice needs it as much as he does a form book 
 or a digest. It fills a place in the literature of the pro- 
 fession, that has long been vacant. The place was small, 
 therefore this volume fills it. Every man who reads it will 
 say, "Why I could have done it myself," and will wish 
 he had done it. Every woman who reads it will wish she 
 were a man, on general principles. All lawyers ought to 
 buy it, because it is the production of one of the frater- 
 nity, and demonstrates how infernally foolish one of 
 them can become. Everybody should buy it because it 
 is a good thing ; and all people should own good things, 
 Critics are earnestly requested to send all complimentary 
 notices to the publication of the largest circulation — 
 and all reviews of a contrary nature to send to the au- 
 tlior, marked private, in care of the publishers. 
 
 The Author. 
 
CODE OF ETHICS FOR LAWYEES. 
 
 OF THE DUTIES OF LAWYERS TO THEIR CLIENTS, AND 
 OF THE OBLIGATIONS OF CLIENTS TO THEIR 
 ATTORNEYS. 
 
 Aet. 1. Duties of laiuyers to tlieir clients. 
 
 § 1. The first thing to do is, to secure your client. 
 How to do that depends very much upon the tact of the 
 lawyer ; a client you must have no matter at what cost 
 or how you manage it ; and it must be a real, live one. 
 After you have him, to be sure of him, always demand 
 a retainer. Eetainers have made many lawyers rich. 
 You can usually do this by telliug him it is the rule of 
 your office; and insures good faith on his part. Give 
 him a receipt for it, to insure good faith on your part. 
 If you are a young practitioner, it is a good plan to 
 take down on paper all the circumstances connected 
 with the case; then tell him you are very busy, and, 
 that as the case will not need your immediate attention 
 he had better go home and return in a few days. The 
 point is this : it gives you time to look up the authorities, 
 and impresses the client with the-fact that you are the 
 
 (7) 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 
 
 busiest niiui in town. On the other hand, if you are 
 an old practitioner, the plan to pursue is to keep the 
 client in and about your ofEce as much and as long a 
 time as possible, as it will give him an opportunity to 
 see your other clients, and he will then thiiik you are 
 enjoying a large practice. If the case is before a jus- 
 tice of the peace or in a court, that your attention is 
 needed immediately, go promptly, and at all hazards 
 secure a continuance. It will give you time to read 
 up a treatise on Justice's Court Practice, if it happens 
 to be in a Squire's court, and if the case is in the Com- 
 mon Pleas, it will look like business to the audience, 
 and will improve your client's opinion of yOur abil- 
 ity — and it also gives you an item to add to your bill. 
 Should you be attorney for the plaintiff, you must re- 
 sist a continuance, and add it to your bill. The most 
 important part of the practice for young men to learn, 
 and for all lawyers to strictly adhereto is, the retainer, 
 and the adding of items to your bill. A lawyer might 
 as well be without a client as to be out of his retainer. 
 Also look well to the continuance. It gives you time 
 to think, to brace up, to see and interview witnesses, 
 to prepare your law brief, and above all it is so funny 
 for the court-house rats, the loungers, they always en- 
 joy such great forensic efforts. Then, it advertises 
 you ; the ordinary individual has great respect for a 
 kicker, a high kicker and a hard kicker. All eminent 
 lawyers pay much attention to this rule — especially 
 criminal lawyers. In the most aggravating murder 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 9 
 
 case, three continuances are equal to an acquittal. You 
 must continue. 
 
 § 2. If you represent the plaintiff, after the action 
 is brought, have him call at your office to talk the case 
 over, and have him call often. You must insist on 
 this. Many clients fail in this particular. Insist on 
 his coming " in season and out of season." He must 
 bring with him all of the witnesses, so you can talk the 
 case over with them. It makes you familiar with each 
 one's peculiar style of lying, and they become ac- 
 quainted with your method of examination ; and when 
 you place them on the witness stand, the questions and 
 answers run on as smoothly as though you were an- 
 swering your questions yourself, and it will mate- 
 rially aid you in winning your case. Not that you 
 should educate them, or tell them what to testify 
 to. No, indeed, a reputable attorney is not so far 
 lost to the dignity of the profession as to do that. But 
 by seeing them and talking freely with them, you be- 
 come fully advised as to the facts in the case; only 
 this and nothing more. Always inquire of your client 
 all about his family, and in a casual way discover how 
 much he is worth. You will discover the reason of 
 this suggestion when you come to settle with him. 
 It is a good custom to charge a little more than you 
 intend to accept — not more than you would like to 
 receive, as the people think lawyers would take the 
 earth if they could, and then would try to pocket the 
 balance of the firmament ; but it becomes a graceful 
 
10 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 act, and makes the client feel good to have you throw 
 off part of your fee. 
 
 This section will also apply when you represent the 
 defendant, with this addition, i.e., always continue 
 your cases. If there are no reasons, do it without 
 reason. You will find out as you go along in the 
 practice, that there are many things done without rea- 
 son ; and the man who gives reasons is the man who 
 is always in trouble ; while the man who does the most 
 unreasonable things, passes by without comment. 
 
 If the judge insists on affidavits for continuance, 
 prepare them ; and let your client swear to them. If 
 you make a good case on paper, the truthfulness of 
 the affiant will not be inquired into. If the court will 
 not grant the continuance, demand a jury; that will 
 work a delay. And increase the cost bill, which the 
 adverse side always pays. Delays make costs, and 
 costs go the officers of the court : and the court offi- 
 cers ought to be looked after as well as the rights of 
 litigants. Delays often defeat the ends of justice, and 
 you will notice that you can secure very frequently a 
 larger fee, for defeating the blind goddess, than you 
 can in assisting her. But at all times carry yourself 
 as an upright, dignified lawyer. Talk about the duty 
 of all lawyers to further the ends of justice, and to 
 uphold law and good order. But above all things, 
 carry your point; then you are a successful man, and 
 success covers a multitude of sins. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 11 
 
 § 3. In drawing a jury, always secure one that suits 
 your side of tlie case. If the case is in a justice's 
 court, a good plan is to furnish the magistrate with a 
 list of the names of men on whom you can rely ; so 
 that in any event, no matter who the opposition strikes 
 off, there will be a majority of your friends left. Also 
 have some of your friends on hand at the trial to serve 
 as jurors ; should any of youriirst choice be peremp- 
 torily challenged, they can fill the panel. If the jus- 
 tice has several lists, you must see that yours is the 
 one he uses. You might also be on very friendly 
 terms with the sheriif and constable; it will materially 
 aid yon in the drawing of the jury. 
 
 The jury system is a grand institution ; so was the 
 tower of Babel — ^all the difference is, that God took 
 a hand in the one, and the devil occasionally takes a 
 hand in the other. After the jury is struck, you 
 should employ all your leisure time in becoming- 
 acquainted with the different members of it. Many 
 a poor case has been won, simply because the attorney 
 was solid with the jury. Also stand in with the jus- 
 tice. It is the height of folly and an injustice to your 
 client, to bring a suit before a justice with whom you 
 are not on the warmest terms of friendship. The 
 reason why the plaintiff usually wins before a justice of 
 the peace is, because his attorney has followed this 
 rule implicitly. 
 
 You should try the case from the beginning with two 
 points in view: first, to win; second, to make a draw 
 
12 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 game. If you come to the conclusion that you cannot 
 win, then hang the jury. There is no way to hang the 
 justice or magistrate, and in this the practice should 
 be reformed. It would often be a source of much 
 pleasure to the attorneys in the case if they could hang 
 the court ; but as they cannot do that, they do the next 
 best thing; they paralyze him with their legal lore and 
 unanswerable logic, and mystify the jury with their el- 
 oquence and buffoonery. If you are defeated, which 
 sometimes will happen, then appeal. Never remain 
 licked , as long as your client will pay costs, or give 
 bond ; so long as he comes up with his assessments to 
 the retainer, just so long is it your duty to stick to 
 him. Never forget to appeal ; at least give notice of 
 appeal. It helps to let you down easy, and modifies 
 the feelings of success in the bosom of the opposing 
 attorney. 
 
 Another point : do not forget to object ; object to 
 everything, no matter whether your objection is good 
 in your own mind or not ; it may seem to be well taken 
 by the court. Do not hesitate to object, and when you 
 can give no reason, say you do it on general principles. 
 If your objections are overruled, you can go up on ex- 
 ceptions — for up you must go if you are licked below ; 
 and when you win above, your victory is the more com- 
 plete and more aggravating to your adversary. 
 
 § 4. Always take the right side of a case, and let 
 some one else lead the forlorn hope. This is not hard 
 to do, for after you have heard all your client has to 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 13 
 
 say about his cause, you will in all human probability 
 find yourself on the right side. Never let a man who 
 is in need of the s.ervices of an attorney, go without 
 one because he is poor and has no money. When you 
 discover that he is impecunious, take him around and 
 introduce him to some young member of the bar ; or, 
 as they are commonly called, " a rising young lawyer." 
 They are always plenty around the corner or across the 
 hall. Tell the client that you are very busy, but that 
 your young friend ( with emphasis on the word young, 
 and the word friend spoken lightly) will pull him 
 through in great shape. By doing this you retain the 
 good will of the client, and gain the eternal friendship 
 of the kid lawyer. These young men are easily 
 caught by flattery, and they believe all you say. 
 
 Your duty to your patron also demands that in your 
 argument to the jury you praise all his good qualities, 
 and abuse and magnify all the faults and eccentricities 
 of the other party to the action. No matter how re- 
 pugnant it is to yo\ir feelings ; or even though it be 
 notoriously false, a lie on its face. Wade in I Bang 
 away ! Make the fur fly I This is a great stroke of 
 policy, for you not only please your own side, but the 
 other fellow will be very likely to hire you the next 
 time he comes into court, to abuse some one else. 
 
 When you come to settle and make your final charge, 
 should your client prove ungrateful and kick at the 
 size of your bill, remind him of the tirade of slang and 
 abuse that you hurled at his enemy, and he will not 
 
14 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 only pay the bill cheerfully, but will give you an ad- 
 ditional fee. 
 
 In order to keep your clients, and have a large num- 
 ber of cases on the court calendar, you must never be 
 in too much of a hurry to close up your business. File 
 as many papers in the case as you can ; amend as often 
 as possible ; make continuances. Thus you not only 
 keep in court, and retain your patron, but you also 
 annoy the opposite party, and ten chances to one the 
 more you devil him the more you tickle your own 
 client. You must have tact. Find out the weak side 
 of your client and then humor him. It frequently 
 happens that an attorney has more trouble in manag- 
 ing his client than he lias in fighting his case. But 
 stick to him while he has money or credit. If he has 
 no money, take a mortgage on any property he has ; 
 on his farm, or stock in trade, on any thing, and add 
 enough to the amount of the note to pay you for writ- 
 ing the morto;ao;e, recordins; ifc running down the re- 
 cords, foreclosing it — all present and prospective 
 expenses. 
 
 § 5. In your relations with your client, show enough 
 familiarity toward him to make him feel at ease in 
 your presence. While it may be necessary to impress 
 him with your importance by your dignified manner, 
 you should evidence that much familiarity toward him 
 that he would not hesitate to sit with his feet on your 
 table, spit on your floor and call you by your first 
 name, abbreviated as your mother did when you were a 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 15 
 
 little boy. Yon should listen attentively to all his thread- 
 bare stories, and laugh at all his superannuated jokes. 
 Take an interest in the crop prospect if he is a farm- 
 er ; and discuss with him the relative merits of butter 
 and oleomargarine if he is a grocer. Your duty de- 
 mands that you be posted on all subjects, and be ready 
 to cuss and discuss any and all propositions your cus- 
 tomer may spring upon you. You must weep with 
 him, and laugh with him. He pays you his money and 
 he has a right to monopolize your time and your atten- 
 tion. You must win his cause. Your duty demands 
 that you use every engine provided by law to further 
 his ends. You must urge and secure a speedy trial, or 
 delay one, as he may happen to desire. 
 
 Your own convenience cannot be consulted. You 
 had better let it be generally known that you will re- 
 sort to anything to win your cases ; and you will at 
 once be overrun with business. 
 
 The profession is an honorable one, and the only 
 way to keep up the standard, is to permit no one to 
 become a member unless he has been regularly admit- 
 ted according to law. It matters very little what his 
 natural abilities are, or what his legal attainments. No 
 one cares as to his moral character, and his reputation 
 is never inquired into. All that is necessary is to pass 
 the examination, secure his sheepskin and he is one 
 of us. Then if he happens to know something, can 
 read and write, and knows the difference between an 
 estate-tail and a shirt-tail, he is in a fair way to sue- 
 
16 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 cess. On the contrary, should he be studious, and 
 spend his time in study and deep research, he might 
 become a bookworm, and, like Biackstone, remain un- 
 known for years ; and when found he would be such a 
 curiosity that the active members of the craft would 
 not know to what manner of species he belonged. 
 
 Never lose sight of the fact that you are practicing 
 law for the money there is in it. Some may be I'n the 
 profession for dignity's sake. Others for morality's 
 sake, or " for goodness sake," but you are in for the 
 sake of the almighty dollar. And as success is meas- 
 ured by the amount of wealth a person accumulates, 
 I'our success is not in the number of cases you win as 
 a lawyer, or as to your legal knowledge. It will he 
 computed by the amount of money you make. 
 
 Art. 2. Of the obligations of clients to attorneys. 
 
 § 1. A client should be impressed with the grave 
 responsibility resting on his attorney when he takes 
 charge of his case, and should advance a retainer with- 
 out any hesitancy, at his first interview with him. It 
 insures good faith, and bars the other side from hiring 
 him. It is a good plan to retain all the lawyers in 
 town ; by so doing the other fellow will be obliged to 
 go to some other community for his counsel, which 
 will be decidedly expensive for him, and make him 
 realize that man must pay for the luxuries he enjoys 
 in this world. Button-hole your lawyer every time 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 17 
 
 you see him, aiul talk ovev your case with liim, as 
 your case is the most important one he has (and per- 
 haps the only one), and he will be pleased, to talk it 
 over with yon. It' he answers you short or appears 
 annoyed, do not pay any attention to it, as all j^reat 
 men have an air of abstraction about them that the 
 common herd cannot appreciate. If you will only 
 slap him familiarly on the shoulder, you can knock the 
 abstraction out of him, and bring his mind down to 
 business and the affairs of every-day life. Tell him the 
 gossip of your neighborhood. It relieves him from the 
 cares of the day, "and fdr the 'moment takes his mind 
 off of the intricate legal questions he is constantly 
 thinking about. You can also fire at him any legal 
 pro[)ositionyou have heard discussed at the corner gro- 
 cery ; he will know all about it, and will give you a 
 sound opinion for the fun of it. Lawyers as a rule ai-e 
 quick to tell all they know — and more too, on such 
 occasions. They leak wisdom like a sprinkling can 
 does water, and by the time your case has gone to the 
 Supreme Court from a justice's court, and you have 
 paid the costs and attorney's fees, you will discover 
 that you know a blamed sight more law and human 
 nature than you did previously. You might also sug- 
 o-est to huTi that your son would like to rend law in his 
 office. Your attorney will jump at the proposition, 
 especially if it is in the winter season, as a student in 
 the winter is a handy man to have around — to build 
 fires, carry coal, sweep out the office, run errands and 
 
 2 
 
18 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 do general house work. By all means do this. Your 
 lawyer will never regret it, if the boy does. 
 
 There is another point here. All great men at some 
 time in their lives were lawyers ; and as the profession 
 is not crowded, especially at the top, where there is 
 always room, your son might some day become a great 
 man and have the top story all to himself. At any 
 rate he might become as great as his father is, and run 
 for office, and write "Hon." before his name and 
 " Esq." after it. 'Tis true, at the beginning of his 
 career, he would have to sweep, make fires, empty 
 spittoons, run errands, copy long legal documents and 
 be general utility man, servant, janitor, etc., but what 
 of that; all great men did the same thing before him, 
 and never tire of the telling of it. And when he has 
 become famous, and travels in a Pullman car, when 
 processions of his countrymen meet him with brass 
 bands and fire-works; when he stumps the Union and 
 makes political speeches, then he can entertain the 
 gaping multitude by reciting to them his trials and tri- 
 umphs. He can point with pride to his humble origin, 
 and demonstrate to the young men of the day to what 
 proud eminence they can aspire to rise to. But I fear 
 when he reaches the top of the ladder of ambition, or 
 when he occupies the room in the top story of the tem- 
 ple of fame, he will feel mighty lonesome. The same 
 speech which he is presumed to make in this case, will 
 answer very well should he run for squire or alderman. 
 But to be successful he must have gone through many 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 19 
 
 unpleasant episodes, and the more humble his origin, 
 the better prospect of ultimate success. Not a very 
 pleasant proposition to state to you, but truth all the 
 same. 
 
 Have your boy read law by all means. Should he 
 ever be admitted to practice, he could try it a few years, 
 and if he did not succeed he could go to preaching — 
 where his salary is large enough for all his wants, and 
 the work required is equal to his ability. Lawyers 
 frequently make this change, to the mutual benefit of 
 both professions ; and it is conceded on all hands that 
 a reformed lawyer makes a ripper of a preacher, as he 
 knows how to fight the devil with his own weapons, 
 and can knock him oiit by " precedents." 
 
 § 2. Should you become "hard up," and want to bor- 
 row some money, go at once to your lawyer. He makes 
 money so easily and has so much of it, that he not only 
 spends it freely, but will lend it on the slightest provo- 
 cation. He may demand that you give all your friends 
 as security, and that you mortgage the township to in- 
 demnify him, but you get the money all the same. Out 
 of his great friendship to you, he ought to and would 
 lend you all the money you wanted without bail ; 
 but, doing business for other people and always being 
 on the lookout to protect their interests, it has become 
 like second nature for him to demand gilt-edged secur- 
 ity ; and he unconsciously uses the same precaution to 
 protect himself. But if you call his attention to it, he 
 will let you have all the money you want without any 
 
20 lawyer's codk of ethics. 
 
 pledge; not even taking your note ; and may insist on 
 bailing vou and backing you in all your enterprises, as 
 lawyers are mightj^ generous fellows when once their 
 sympathies are aroused, and often impoverish them- 
 selves by their prodigality. 
 
 It is a good idea to hire your attorney by the year. 
 Corporations and large business firms do this, and 
 find that it pays them to do so. You can contract to 
 pay him a certain sum per year, say one or two thou- 
 sand dollars, he in return to try all lawsuits you may 
 have, and to keep you fully advised as to all laws, de- 
 cisions and legal subjects generally. You would find 
 this not on\y a cheap way to secure the services of a 
 lawyer, but it would be a source of great pleasure to 
 yourself and your family, and you would soon become 
 a prominent man in your county. You could be in 
 court all the time if you so desired, and it is lots of 
 fun to be in a lawsuit. Having your counsel on a 
 salary, you might as well keep him busy as not. You 
 could settle all the disputed lines of your farm — estab- 
 lish your line fences ; protect your water-courses, build 
 ditches, punish all who trespassed, or broke the hunt- 
 ing and fishing laws. You could raise Cain generally, 
 and have a little spare time to sow your crops and at- 
 tend to your usual avocation. Of course it would cost 
 you something for fees for the court officers, but you" 
 would have this satisfaction, that law is not different 
 from any other kind of pleasure. " If you would 
 dance, you must pay the piper." And I know of no 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 21 
 
 class of men who would rather pipe for money, than 
 the members of the legal fraternity. All men have 
 hobbies, some very foolish, and others very bad ones. 
 Yours could be litigation. It would instruct you, 
 amuse your neighi)or, be profitable for the lawyers, 
 and make the county seat lively at least during court. 
 
 Then you would be a good sample of a fool, for 
 
 ])eaceable citizens to take warning from. 
 
 § 3. Show your appreciation of your attorney by 
 influencino; others to bring their business to him. 
 Make him prominent by calling on him to make po- 
 litical speeches in your locality. Or invite him to 
 orate to 3'ou and your neighbors on the Fourth of July : 
 or secure him to address your Sunday-school. A 
 lawyer can speak to any kind of an audience and at 
 any time, and he would as soon bore one crowd as an- 
 other. The}' are obliging men, and become so accus- 
 tomed to talking about something or au3'thing (often 
 nothing), that all you need to do is to give them the 
 opportunity ; text or subject they care very little 
 about; only give thera the floor and an audience, 
 and — yes, give a lawyer a chance once to talk with 
 no limit as to time, and you will never do it again. 
 Talk? I should saj' so. Any of them will talk un- 
 til yon are tired ; they never tire. A lawyer is 
 whalebone; he is cast-iron ; he never eats, sleeps or 
 studies. He is always loaded, primed, and ready to 
 go off. Ready with an opinion; ready to try a case. 
 Lawyers seem to be simply machines, created for the 
 
22 lawyer's code or ethics. 
 
 use of the public — to make speeches, try law-suits, 
 become famous, hold offices, and grow fat and rich. 
 
 Some lawyers are lean, but their wives are fat, or 
 their pocket-books are fat. As a class, they are sleek 
 and comfortable looking, and seem to shed the cares of 
 life as a duck does water. They rarely suicide : as 
 there is no reason in it ; and they declare they never 
 do anything without reason, and hardly believe any- 
 thing they cannot reason out. They never become 
 angry; they have too keen a sense of the ludicrous. 
 They never die, because they never have time to die, 
 aud there seems to be no place prepared for them to 
 go to. You cannot do without them. You deplore 
 the fact that they exist ; you swear they are not 
 honest or truthful, and are as unreliable in all their 
 relations as Old Nick can make them. But in the face 
 of all the bad things you can say about them, you 
 snicker at their jokes, you envy them their success, 
 you are proud when strangers praise them, and as 
 you cannot be one of them yourself, you secretly 
 swear that your own boy shall become one. You 
 select from your family your brightest and smartest 
 son ; you train him and educate him, and when you 
 have him located as a student in a lawyer's office, you 
 are the happiest man in the country. No matter how 
 bad the other members of the profession may be, your 
 boy is all right ; he will do no wrong; you are sure of 
 this. Have you not watched his every movement from 
 the cradle, at his mother's side, to the very door of 
 
lawyer's code or ethics. 23 
 
 the law office? He will be an ornament to any class 
 of workers. You know all about it, and you are 
 right. All fathers have felt the same as you do, and 
 none have been disappointed, as all o;reat and good 
 lawyers have had fathers, and some of them have 
 had mothers, too ; while the bad lawyers have been 
 raised by hand on the bounty of some relative, a 
 mother-in-law perhaps. 
 
 § 4. A client is under many obligations to his attorney 
 that money cannot pay, although money is a sovereign 
 balm for numerous aches and ills that the human fam- 
 ily suffers. But after you have paid him his moderate 
 fee (fees are uhvays moderate), you should thank him 
 for his effort in your behalf. Tell him you will name 
 your next child after him, or, if the child should prove 
 to be a girl, name your dog for him ; one will make 
 him feel as happy as the other. There is no class of men 
 who work so hard, for so little pay, and who receive so 
 few words of praise and commend;ition, as lawyers. 
 Some of them are elected to office, but it is no fault of 
 theirs. Being the self-sacrificing men they are, when 
 their enemies want to run them for office they consent, 
 and, as a rule, they spend thejsalary in charity. Some 
 others become judges. Even that they cannot avoid, 
 as the State legislatures, composed of farmers — occa- 
 sionally a lawyer is forced in — make the laws, and as - 
 the law will not permit any but lawyers to be judges, 
 they must serve ; though when they draw their wages, it 
 costs them an effort, and I do believe that they would 
 
24 lawyer's code or ethics. 
 
 refuse pay absolutely if it were not for settinaj a bad 
 precedent, and it is well known that the legal frater- 
 nity is opposed to setting a precedent or violating one. 
 Oh, but these lawyers are self-sacrificing men. Paul 
 was one, and history said he was a good one. When 
 he served the devil he served him well, and when he 
 
 served the Lord he fought the devil like . He 
 
 believed he could not serve two masters. He never 
 married. He must have been afraid lo marry, or there 
 were no girls in those days. 
 
 Speak kindly and gently to 3'our lawyer. Treat 
 him tenderly, he is a sensiti\'e creature; he may bang 
 away at witnesses, and roar and rear like a war horse, 
 but it is only for effect. When he appears the bravest, 
 he may be looking for a chance to run away. When 
 he speaks the gruffest, he may be on the point of 
 bursting into tears ; and wiieii he is weeping, especially 
 to a jury, you may be sure he can hardly refrain from 
 laughing outright in their faces. Stand by him, mor- 
 ally and financially. Brace him up with your pres- 
 ence and your presents. Introduce him to your 
 friends, particularly those wlio may need his profes- 
 sional services. Give him a chance to be a man among 
 men. Help him to outgrow his timidity. Why do 
 timid men become lawyers? It is out of place for a 
 bashful, timid man to appear in any court as an attor- 
 ney ; therefore te;ich him how to cultivate cheek ; make 
 him become brazen ; show him how to become bold, 
 aggressive, bellisferent. Teach him that instead of be- 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 25 
 
 ing one of the crowd who are kicked, he must become 
 one of the gang who do the kicking. A quiet, unob- 
 trusive, sensitive, mild, sweet, dear, love-of-a-mau, 
 must never aspire to become a lawyer. Such a man 
 will do for a poet, a book agent, or circus fakir, but 
 for a lawyer lie must l)e a hustler; a stern, bold, over- 
 bearing, keen, unyielding, unscrupulous man, or such 
 a man as ordinarily goes to Congress or to camp 
 meetings. 
 
 § 5. Have faith in your lawyer. By your conduct, 
 your every act, show him that you honestly believe he 
 is the best attorney in town. It is hard enough for 
 him to fight your case, without feeling that you have 
 lost confidence in his ability or integrity. If he is an 
 old man, show that respect for him and his opinions 
 that he deserves from all younger people. If he is 
 young and you are old, show toward him that fa- 
 therly attention that you would were he your own 
 son. 
 
 Lawyers like fiattery as well as other people do. 
 Give them all the taffy you can. You will be sur- 
 prised at the amount they can consume. They hunger 
 for it. They bang away so much at each other in 
 court, that they soon begin to look upon each other as 
 pick-pockets or confidence men ; anything but re- 
 spectable members of society. Then when you come 
 with your words of praise and comfort, they are in 
 good condition to absorb all your palaver, as a sponge 
 does water. Do this. You will never regret it. For 
 
2(i lawyer's code or ethics. 
 
 blarneys us they all are, they are assusceptible to "soft 
 soap " as are bankers and pawnbrokers. I have 
 known lawyers to throw oft' of their bills as much as a 
 dollar or two when they had been beantif'ully talked to. 
 " Sugar catches more flies than vinegar," and as your 
 attorney is your best friend, any and ail obligation you 
 feel under to any of your friends, you surely should feel 
 for him. You are not only obliged to him for what he 
 does for you, but you are equally obliged to him for 
 what he does not do against you. He knows all your se- 
 crets, and does not make them public. He sees and 
 knows all your weaknesses, your twistings and turnings ; 
 your contriving and conniving to dodge this, or to avoid 
 that. Your family and friends know you as an up- 
 right, honorable, christian man. Your lawyer sees 
 you and often knows you in a different character. He 
 does not expose you. No. His professional expe- 
 rience has made him charitable; while he sees your 
 weaknesses, he pities you and tries to strengthen you. 
 Unknown to you, by delicate ways not perceptible to 
 you, he prevents you from doing downright wrong, 
 and keeps you in the path of rectitude and decency. 
 Should you take the bit in your teeth and muke a 
 straight plunge toward the devil, while othei's say, 
 " I told you so," and are ready with willing hands to 
 push you to purgatory the faster, he takes off his 
 coat, rolls up his sleeves, and wading into the mire 
 and filth up to his chin, pulls you out, cleans you up, 
 and stands you on your feet again. You pay him for 
 
LAWTER S CODE OF ETHICS. 27 
 
 it? Of course you do. You would be an ungrateful 
 brute if you did not pay him, and pay hitn well for it. 
 But at the same time he was the only one who would 
 help you even for money. Love is not in it. 
 
 Art. 3. Of the obligations of the members of the 
 profession to each other. Of the old men to the young, 
 and the young men' to the old. 
 
 THE OLD MEN TOWARDS THE YOUNG MEN. 
 
 § 1. The old members of the profession are under 
 no obligation towards the young members of the craft. 
 The trutli is, a young man has no business to become 
 a lawyer. He has no experience — no gray hairs — 
 no property — no knowledge — no anything — and the 
 old fellows have a right to, and ought to treat his 
 efforts with contempt. It is presumptions for a young 
 man to appear in any court. All a young man is good 
 for, all he is competent to do, is to copy papers, and 
 look up authorities for the older attorneys. It is 
 humiliating to go into court with your case carefully 
 prepared, and find a young man, a mere stripling, re- 
 tained on the other side. It is an awful shock to the 
 vanity of an eminent, elderly counselor at law, to be 
 thus pitted against a beardless boy. And to see the 
 assurance of him, acting as boys always do, as though 
 they knew it all. Trying to impress the court and 
 jury with their immense legal knowledge and great 
 learning. 
 
28 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 If a young man has the temerity to enter the frater- 
 nity, and succeeds in securing liis diploma, he should 
 have it framed at once, and hang it in the most con- 
 spicuous iilaco in his office. It makes an attractive 
 ornament, and is proof of his ability. When he is re- 
 tained, he should at once employ an old lawyer to as- 
 sist him. It dignifies liis case; makes the judge and 
 jury look with respect upon his efforts, and often wins 
 the cause. When a boy so far forgets himself as to 
 appear in court alone, all old attorneys present should 
 look at each other and wink; and when he says any- 
 thing, they should grin and make faces nt each other 
 like children. It takes the conceit out of him, and 
 makes him realize his insignificance. It shows him of 
 what little consequence he is, and how funny he ap- 
 pears to the Solons of the profession. And should he 
 make a blunder, which old lawyers never do, it then 
 becomes the proper thing to laugh outright. It is no 
 contempt of court to laugh at a young man. No matter 
 what his ability is, laugh at him. He has no ability 
 (unless he read law in your office). Young men never 
 have ability. It is cheek — Simon pure cheek and im- 
 pudence ; and being impudence, the sooner you can 
 knock it out of them the better it will be for all con- 
 cerned. The audience may siiy that he is smart. The 
 newspapers may say "he is a rising young lawyer ; " 
 they always do; but what do audiences and newpapers 
 know about such things. Frown him down. Laugh 
 him down. Sneer him down. Talk him down. Pull 
 
lawyer's code op ethics. 29 
 
 him down. If need be, catch him by his coat tail 
 and pull him down. Down he must come at any cost; 
 knock him down. The profession is exclusive. None 
 but old, educated gentlemen dare belong to it. Men 
 of culture and renown — men " to the manner born." 
 There is nothing about a young man to command the 
 respect of the men who have grown old in the practice. 
 It might have been all right when the country was new 
 for young men to aspire to become lawyers, but now it 
 is suicidal to all concerned. The old members have 
 their families to support; their libraries to keep up, 
 and they cannot afford to have a herd of boys, hardly 
 out of pinafores, overrun the sacred halls of justice 
 with their college, education and drawing-room man- 
 ners ; their fashionably cut clothes and buttonhole bou- 
 quets ; their airs and graces ; their perfume and rosy 
 faces. It is an innovation which can be less afforded 
 than code pleading. 
 
 § 2. In order to keei) up the tone of the profession, 
 the line must he drawn somewhere ; and on age is as 
 good a place to draw it as any other. Young men are 
 too frivolous. They are. not impressed with the dig- 
 nity and gravity of the calling as they should be. They 
 bring the fraternity into bad repute. Young men are 
 good enough in their way, but they should not be in the 
 way of old lawyers. They are competent as railroaders 
 or as general business men ; and they will do for physi- 
 cians and clergymen ; but as lawyers, they are always 
 failures. Whoever heard of a young man becoming a 
 
30 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 United States judge ! As corrupt as politics are, no 
 political party has become so far lost to the eternal 
 fitness of things, as to run a young man for any im- 
 portant office. 
 
 Even Blackstone himself never amounted to any- 
 thing until he was an old man, and wore a wig, and 
 his jaw hung down like a bag, giving him the appear- 
 ance of suffering from a bad case of mumps or thick 
 neck. Even then he would have been lost in oblivion 
 if it had not been for the Commentaries he wrote. 
 Coke was an old man, and so old and homely that a 
 sight of his picture is enough to throw the ordinary 
 small boy into spasms. I never heard of Chief Jus- 
 tice Marshall as a young man, and am led to believe 
 that he was always old and wrinkled as he is portrayed 
 in paintings. Kent was no boy, or he never could 
 have written books on legal topics. Before a young 
 man is entitled to any consideration at the hands of 
 his elders, let him do something to merit their esteem. 
 Let him try an important case before a bench of able 
 judges. Let him write a book, or become famous as 
 a lawyer. Let him go hence, and air his attainments 
 among the hills. There is no danger of any one suffer- 
 ing from his absence, as it is well known that lawyers 
 never retire from practice and never die. 
 
 A man should come to the bar a full-fledged old 
 lawyer; he should be full of cases, reports, opinions, 
 and precedents. He should commit to memory all 
 the statutes, and know all customs and methods of 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 31 
 
 practice, as well as he knows his creditors. He should 
 be competent to advise in all branches of the law. He 
 should be what his diploma savs he is, " an attorney 
 at law, solicitor in chancery and proctor in admiralty." 
 (There is no necessity to place all this ou your sign.) 
 He should be well versed in ecclesiastical and canon 
 law ; should be able to quote from Biackstone, Chitty 
 and Coke, and have all the Latin axioms at his 
 tongue's end. How can he do this and be a young 
 man? It is impossible! Instead of growing old in 
 the profession like us old men, he should come into the 
 profession an old man. An old man with half the 
 learning that a young man possesses, should be 
 treated with more courtesy than a young man, no mat- 
 ter what his attainments. Old professional men should 
 be dead-set against the young men. You should abom- 
 inate them. You should not tolerate them. You 
 have no use for them. They are of no account in the 
 profession. Hold to old men, old things, old forms, 
 old traditions, old customs. You are under no obli- 
 gations to the youth of this age, and you should make 
 them see it, feel it, and fully understand it. 
 
 § 3. When old members of the bar do come into 
 contact with the young men, they should by their con- 
 duct towards them make them feel their insignificance. 
 Show them that patronage that all great men show to- 
 wards inferiors. They are obtruders in our select 
 circle, but since they have edged their way in, 
 they are entitled to a little consideration, but not 
 
32 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 much ; and that only because they are lawyers. Not 
 because they are human beings, and striving in an 
 honorable way to win fame, honors, and wealth, or to 
 make a decent living. Oh, no ! There are other ways 
 of niakino; a living without forcing themselves into 
 the legal profession. As individuals they deserve 
 nothing from you, but as feilow-ci-aftsmen, co-work- 
 ers in the same vineyard, they must be occasionally 
 recognized. But you can even it up some other 
 time. When they are off their guard and speak 
 pleasantly to you then is your chance. Then you 
 can snub them to your heart's content. It is the 
 way to do. Yon need have uf) feeling for them. 
 They are not your sons, or even your nephews. Be- 
 cause you are calloused and your hide is as thick as 
 boiler iron, theirs is, too. If they are so sensitive as 
 to feel your boorish thrust, what care you. They 
 can leave town, and the profession, too, if they so 
 desire. 
 
 It is nothing to you, I should say not. If they 
 happen to be well bred young fellows, from good fam- 
 ilies, cut them the deeper. It is harder to make a 
 thoroughbred show his hurt, than a dunghill. And 
 should you have been a duugiiill in your day, but 
 now trotting in silver-plated harness, so much the 
 jollier for you. It tickles you the more. A low- 
 bred man, elevated to wealth or position by the 
 turn of fickle fortune's wheel, is never so happy as 
 when he can say insulting things to a gentleman. So 
 
lawybe's code of ethics. 33 
 
 you who by some peculiar combinatioa of circum- 
 stances, who from a stable boy or some other humble 
 walk in life, have become the aged and learned coun- 
 sel for some colossal or soulless corporation — you, 
 without polite culture or classical education; you who 
 by sheer force of circumstances and perhaps with it 
 hard work have been successful, now at the height of 
 your power and fame, it is the proper thing for you 
 to snub a young man. It shows your elevation. You 
 are following the precedents. You stick close to the 
 rule. You are following in the steps of the great men 
 who have preceded you. Should you have sprung 
 from some eminent family, noted in the history of 
 your country for statesmen and soldiers, the more 
 right you have, and less reason, why you should snub 
 the young men. It is expected from you, and you 
 must do it. It is a duty you owe to the public. 
 
 The profession is becoming crowded with young men ; 
 incompetent young men ; and there should be an effort 
 made to secure such legislation as will drive them to 
 other avocations. Until such time, I would advise 
 you to keep up the persecution. Snub the young men, 
 badger them, " sass " them, make faces at them, sneer 
 at them, grin at them, devil them all you can. There 
 is one mighty sure result from this treatment — should 
 they survive it, they in turn will develop into as mean 
 a set of old practitioners as yourself and your friends. 
 
 § 3. If you happen to be a good old man, or the 
 nearly forgotten type of humanity, a Christian man ; 
 
 3 
 
34 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 one who was once young himself, and if you have not 
 forgotten your own youthful efforts; one who remem- 
 bers when he had hardly a dozen books, and no office 
 furniture, except a table and a chair or two — no book 
 cases, for you needed none ; " a briefless barrister," 
 a lawyer without a client, and perhaps no acquaint- 
 ances except your landlord and washerwoman; when 
 your coat was thread-bare and sadly needed binding 
 and buttons ; when you fiiced the world you but- 
 toned the poor old coat to hide a tnore worn out vest ; 
 and when you turned your back to the world you un- 
 buttoned the same poor old coat to let it hang loose 
 and thus cover patched places in the gable end of your 
 pantaloons. Your shoes were red as if blushing at your 
 poverty, and your willing but useless hands protruded 
 from cufliess sleeves. When your throbbing head was 
 covered with a hat so old that the very style was lost 
 with other good things of the middle ages. When 
 blacking for shoes at five cents a box was a useless 
 commodity, because beyond your reach, and the price 
 of a shoe brush would have driven you to bankruptcy. 
 When the only visitors to your office were people with 
 duns. If you have gone through this, even selling 
 the few books that you had to pay board, and sat for 
 days in a room that looked like anything rather than a 
 law office, waiting for a client who never came ; and 
 compare the then with your now, with your elegant 
 law office, with cases full of books, Brussels carpets, 
 walnut furniture, leather-covered chairs, cases in all 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 35 
 
 the courts, clients innumerable, a landlord yourself, 
 dressed in the finest broadcloth, diamond pin, gold 
 watch, immaculate linen, collars and cuflFs polished like 
 a mirror, silk hat, patent leather shoes, office boy and 
 several clerks, a short-hand writer and type writer, even 
 a body servant. 
 
 When you think of all this and remember the same 
 man experienced it all, the only difference being now 
 your hair is gray, then it was black. Now your skin is 
 pale yellow, and like parchment and full of wrinkles, 
 then it was rosy, healthful and full of dimples. Now 
 you wear glasses, and your hand trembles and your 
 voice is not so strong and steady as it was then. Then 
 your teeth were like ivory and grew fast to your jaw, 
 as your legs and arms grew to your body. Now those 
 teeth are gone, and you carry your new set more 
 often in your pocket than you do in your mouth. Now 
 your blood, if you have any at all, is nearly all water ; 
 and moves so slowly iu your veins that it is ques- 
 tionable if it moves at all at times. Then you 
 were nearly all blood, and it flowed so freely and rap- 
 idly that you needed more veins than brains. If you 
 think of all this, perhaps you can speak kindly of, 
 and friendly to, a young member of your beloved 
 profession. You were ambitious ; so is he. You 
 were smart ; so is he. You worked, or rather 
 starved, to some purpose ; he is willing to do the same. 
 You held fast unto this end; so will he. You cursed 
 fate (if you did not you did not deserve to succeed) ; 
 
36 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 so does he. Your heart gave a bound of pleasure 
 when an old and eminent lawyer spoke pleasantly to 
 you. His heart is as quick as yours was to respond to 
 the showing of kindness. Your cheek flushed with 
 pride, when you heard old attorneys say nice little 
 things about you. His cheek is as susceptible to a 
 blush as yours ever was in those now forgotten days. 
 Young men are pretty much the same to-day that they 
 were when you were young. The same impulses, the 
 same longings, the same desires, the same dreams, the 
 same fancies, the same thoughts, the same ambitions, 
 the same heart-aches ; all these different feelings that 
 sprung to your mind in those days, come to him. 
 Now, can you not in the face of all this, forget age; 
 can you not think yourself a boy again, with all a 
 boy's warm impulses ; and when you meet the young 
 lawyer, whose intellect is as bright as his new sign ; 
 whose pockets are as empty as his book cases, and 
 whose ambition is to accomplish only what you have, 
 treat him kindly? 
 
 § 5. Should you be this good old man; you will 
 perhaps remember when you were a beginner, how you 
 were barred from social pleasures on account of your 
 raiment. How the doors of the best people were 
 closed against you on account of your poverty. You 
 were as smart ; you were as fine looking ; you were 
 as clean and as well raised, and the peer of any man 
 in town. Your pedigree, your culture, your attain- 
 ments, all your attributes both natural and ac- 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 37 
 
 quired, were as good, even better than others, 
 but you were the "briefless barrister," the lawyer 
 without a client. You did not have a bank account ; 
 you did not possess the almighty dollar, and without 
 it the doors of society, polite, refined society, society 
 that you craved, would not open. Remembering all 
 of this, now when you are one of the substantial cit- 
 izens ; now that your own footing is secure ; can you not 
 help the boys, socially? It would cost you nothing to 
 give them a little attention, the young men who are 
 working to reach the same plane on which you are so 
 iirmly located. They do not desire to displace you ; 
 only to stand by your side. Because you suffered, 
 need they? It surely should not make you happier 
 so see others pushed to the wall. Your success is 
 complete. Your happiness certainly does not require 
 the sacrifice of the feelings of a young lawyer. 
 
 Give the young man a chance. If you have a pretty 
 daughter, the rising young lawyer would make her a 
 fitting escort, if not a husband. If you have an eld- 
 erly sister-in-law single, a risen young lawyer would 
 make a suitable companion for her at whist or tea. 
 These young attorneys are handy fellows to have 
 around among women, and why should you not util- 
 ize them as well as the churches, the lecture room, the 
 base ball grounds and poker room? They are infin- 
 itely better off in your parlor than in a billiard room. 
 They would appear as well at your dinner party as at 
 a race track. There are many ways to make the 
 
38 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 youngsters happy ; and no one knows better how to do 
 it than you do. 
 
 Then, in the interest of poor, weak humanity, fol- 
 low my advice. Invite them to your home. Make 
 little evening parties, opera parties, dinner parties, 
 balls, anything, everything for them. Only do invite 
 them out. Take them riding, walking, make compan- 
 ions of them, and when you have done all of this,3'ou 
 will feel as though there was something in life worth 
 living for besides self. You will have some idea of 
 the suflferings of the martyrs, and will wonder why Job 
 was not tried by the rules I lay down. Heaven surely 
 forgave him his sins before this punishment was 
 reached. 
 
 Art. 4. Obligations of the young to the old. 
 
 § 1. The young lawyers are under no obligations to 
 the elder brethren. The old fellows are pretty good 
 fellows in their way, but taken all in all they are de- 
 cidedly out of date. They are very much like a last 
 year's almanac, or the daily newspaper of yesterday. 
 They are prosy and tiresome with their pleadings and 
 briefs as long as the moral law, and not nearly so clear 
 as Moses, either. They are eternally quoting prece- 
 dents, and kick at every improvement as an innovation 
 on their own peculiar rights. They are forever and 
 ever blowing about the good old days of common-law 
 practice, and would consign the code with its new 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 39 
 
 practice to the fartherest corner of oblivion, if they 
 could. They persist in quoting a sort of doggerel 
 whichthey call law Latin. All admit it to be a mongrel, 
 and Avere a Latin scholar to hear it, he would at once 
 go off in a spasm. They love to call the attention of 
 the court to their large law libraries, and attempt to 
 impose upon the jury by asserting that they know their 
 contents with their eyes shut. They despise all forms 
 of printed legal blanks, and would write with goose 
 quills if it were not for the fact that to do it they 
 would be compelled to pluck one another. They see 
 no use for short-hand, and look upon a type-writer as 
 an abomination. They think the Supreme Court never 
 errs, and that two times two are five, if the court says so. 
 They use red tape as a girl does ribbon, and decorate 
 the most trivial case with it as profusely as an Indian 
 does himself when on the war path. No one's busi- 
 ness is as important as theirs, and they always make 
 a little speech to the court when asking the most com- 
 mon-place leave. They preface every utterance with 
 an "Ah" (long drawn out) and add "em" as a 
 finis (also long drawn out). They perform all their 
 duties in court in the most deliberate manner, and the 
 greater the hurry of the Court, the more deliberation 
 on their part. 
 
 In drawing papers they use the most ancient phrase- 
 ology, and when they run short of words, they drop in 
 innumerable " aforesaids, and whereases." They 
 mystify the layman with their obsolete legal terms, and 
 
40 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 give the scholar a pain, with their verbiage. They write 
 a miserable hand, as it indicates greatness ; so you 
 must guess at what they intended to say ; and you miss 
 it, just as they expected you should. They submit to 
 the court a brief of authorities, and prefix it with a 
 long preamble giving the origin of the law, the reason 
 for it, and the names of all its ancestors and relatives, 
 both lineal and collateral and in the most remote de- 
 gree. The less they know about a subject, the more 
 they discuss it ; thereby hoping to make a name as a 
 well-read lawyer. They use all the trappings of a 
 sleight-of-hand performer, and flatter themselves that 
 no one sees through their tricks. They cultivate ec- 
 centricities as a young man does his mustache, and 
 coddle themselves into the belief that it makes them 
 great ; at least that it gives them individuality and 
 character. They resort to all kinds of subterfuges to 
 make the people observe them, and then snarl like 
 hyenas when they are commented upon. 
 
 A young lawyer should never let an opportunity 
 pass to show his contempt for their assumption of great 
 learning ; and in trying cases where an old attorney is 
 against him, it is the proper thing]to convince the jury 
 that the boys know more law than the ancient fossils 
 who have grown gray in the practice, ever did. A law- 
 yer is no more or less than a lawyer, be he young or old ; 
 and while grey hairs may demand respect outside of the 
 profession, in it one man is the peer of another so far 
 age is concerned. As to knowledge, that is a different 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 41 
 
 thing; that forces recognition in all walks of life. 
 And as the elder brethren look with such abhorrence 
 upon the young men, why should they not in return 
 give a " Roland for an Oliver? " When the ancient 
 advocate talks of his experience, you offset it with 
 your energy. When he tells of his learning, you call 
 it antiquated, and convince the court that a year's 
 experience of a young man of to-day, is as much as 
 ten years of the antediluvians. When he harps on the 
 follies of youth, you strike the chord on the weakness 
 and unreliability of the aged and infirm. When he 
 plays one tune, you play another. Show the old men 
 no quarter, for you can expect no terms from them. 
 When they hit you, strike back at them. It developes 
 you pugnacity, and although it surprises them it does 
 them no harm. 
 
 § 2. Young lawyers must force their elders to rec- 
 ognize them, and a very good way to do so is, to 
 defeat them fn the trials of their cases. You must se- 
 cure cases. When an old attorney commences an ac- 
 tion, you hunt up or write to the defendant. Convince 
 him that you are the man that he needs to pull him 
 through. After you are retained, then prepare your 
 case carefully, and when the day of the trial comes, 
 with your law and eloquence blow him higher than a 
 kite. If you know any funny things about him, tell 
 'them ; raise a laugh at his expense. These old fellows 
 wince under ridicule as much as young men do. If 
 you win your cause, you are at once on the road to 
 
42 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 fame and wealth, and you have not hurt the veteran 
 much, as he has passed through many fierce en- 
 counters, and carries many scars as mementos of 
 well fought battles. While, if you lose, he adds but 
 little to his honors by his success, as it is expected 
 from an old warrior ; and you, vanquished, and car- 
 ried out on a shutter, bleeding from every pore, are only 
 a poor devil of a young lawyer at best, and there are 
 others willing and eager to take your place. You are 
 buried for years, perhaps forever, and not even a mis- 
 erable stake, much less a monument, is placed over 
 the spot to show where you fell. If a mark should 
 be erected, it would only be done as a danger signal 
 . to warn other impetuous boys to beware and not meet 
 the same cruel fate. 
 
 On the other hand, should you recover and ever 
 again enter the forensic arena, you will be more cau- 
 tious, and perhaps examine the old practitioner and 
 see if he is loaded. There are many things in this 
 world that are loaded and likely to go off, beside 
 guns. And I know of nothing on earth that causes 
 such havoc and irreparable injury to objects in the im- 
 mediate vicinity when it explodes, as an old lawyer does 
 when he has been fired by one of the boys. Because 
 the famous Pitt struck an old man such a sockdologer 
 years ago, it does not follow that all young men can 
 strike as hard as he did. But it is a fact, that since 
 then the old men have caught their second wind, and 
 can strike, and do strike, straight out from the 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 43 
 
 shoulder. A young man is as infuriating to the 
 elderly advocate, as a red garment is to a bull, and it 
 is a wonder to many that they permit them to exist. 
 Old lawyers never have sons of their own, they only 
 raise daughters, and a young lawyer would be a 
 blooming greenhorn, indeed, were he to make any 
 attempts in that direction to mollify the old men. 
 It would be adding insult to injury. To be a young 
 lawyer is bad enough, but to actually parade into the 
 presence of an old lawyer's family, is too preposterous. 
 Therefore, it is a good rule for the young man to fol- 
 low, to leave the old attorney and his family individ- 
 ually and collectively alone, unless the girl is very 
 old and homely, then a lawyer is a little better than 
 nothing. 
 
 § 3. When a young lawyer is brought into contact 
 with an old one in the trial of a case, or in court, he 
 should show that respect for him that his age and gen- 
 eral appearance demands. Treat the old man with 
 kindness. He has gone through the same " course of 
 sprouts " that you are now going through. He once 
 was as sanguine and impetuous as you are. He has 
 nearly reached the end of his career, and is tired ; very 
 tired- When he is through with you he may be more 
 tired, and you may feel the need of rest, too. Trying 
 a lawsuit is hard work, especially when some old 
 book-worm is continually objecting to every move you 
 make, and demanding that you produce authorities, 
 claiming that your methods are new — so very new 
 
44 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 that they are crude. They do not mean to guy you ; 
 oh, no ! but they have fallen into the habit of object- 
 ing, and it comes so naturally that they do it uncon- 
 sciously. This habit often places a young attorney at 
 a decided disadvantage. You can counteract this by 
 pursuing the same tactics, and by objecting to every- 
 thing you will soon have your old friend in a worse 
 fix than you are in. Should the court demand of 
 you to produce your authorities to sustain the many 
 and various positions you take, you may be forced 
 to abandon them, to the amusement of the old man, 
 and to your disgust. But follow the rule as laid down 
 here, in any event. It is a good rule even though it 
 does not work. The world is full of good and beau- 
 tiful things that do not work. The roses do not work, 
 and they are beautiful. I have seen patent-rights 
 that were good, and out of them men made fortunes; 
 and even then they did not work; neither the men or 
 the patents. It is said, " It is a poor rule that will not 
 work both ways." The rule above is a good rule and 
 used by an old practitioner it works one way, and 
 used by a beginner it works the other way. You will 
 discover this when you come to use it. You must 
 throw your old friend off of his base, if you can. 
 You may find it a hard thing to do ; but spit on 
 your hands, take a good hold, and you may do it — 
 and you may not. The chances are that you will 
 not ; but it is worth the effort. Some old attorneys 
 have as much base as one of the Egyptian pyra- 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 45 
 
 mids. But even a pyramid can be overturned if 
 the proper means are employed. As the average 
 lawyer is mean enough to do anything, I cannot 
 see any reason why you could not up-end the " an- 
 cient mariner" and throw him off his base, even if 
 you can not turn him over completely. It would be 
 very entertaining to the spectator. As a rule, the 
 sympathies of the crowd are with the young attor- 
 ney, and when a conflict takes place between an old 
 lawyer and a young one, should the young one 
 come off the field victorious, the enthusiasm of the 
 spectator is unbounded and sincere. People like a 
 brave man and despise a coward, and nothing pleases 
 the average citizen more than a square stand-up fight, 
 no matter what the weapons used. And a war of 
 words in open court is a fight worth seeing. 
 
 § 4. If you are the proper kind of a young man ; 
 one who has been trained by a good mother (as all 
 yoQng men have), and if your father is growing old 
 and shows the marks of time by his gray head and fur- 
 rowed brow ; if you have that warmth in your heart 
 that the young and strong should have for all of God's 
 creatures, then you may forget that there is a dif- 
 ference between old lawyers and old men of other avo- 
 cation. You may show respect for old age, not only 
 as a matter of duty, but as a matter of choice. You 
 will discover as you go along in the practice, that the 
 elderly men are rather a nice lot of men after all, and 
 know law as you do your A B C's. What seems to 
 
46 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 you to be a bright idea, or a new proposition, is to 
 them as old as the hills, and has long ago been by them 
 either exploded as a fallacy, or incorporated into the 
 fundamental laws of your country. By close acquain- 
 tance with them, you will find that they are very will- 
 ing to let you into many of their experiences that will 
 prove valuable to you, and keep you out of many little 
 errors. It is true, you must handle them carefully ; 
 but when you convince them of your sincerity and 
 your honest endeavor to obtain knowledge, and your 
 desire to go forward in your business, you will find 
 them never so busy but that they have time to lend 
 you an assisting hand, with their books, their advice 
 and their experience. 
 
 Human nature is pretty much the same the world 
 over, and lawyers, while witnessing often the very 
 worst features inhumanity, are bound to be, from their 
 experience, and are, the most charitable of nien. And 
 while the old ones will not put up with any nonsense 
 from the " kids," they are always willing to give the 
 boys the benefit of their skill, professionally. The dif- 
 ference in age amounts to nothing. It is the individ- 
 ual who raises the barrier. And an attorney must be 
 mean indeed, and sunk to a low scale in our profes- 
 sional world, when the members of the bar ignore him. 
 If there is any reformation needed, it is that the mem- 
 bers of the fraternity become more exclusive. Being 
 one of the liberal profession, it does not follow that 
 liberality be extended so far as to admit men who 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 47 
 
 would disgrace any age or any craft, A lawyer should 
 be the best man in the community. As he grows in 
 professional skill and knowledge, he should grow the 
 stronger in moral principles. It were better, perhaps, 
 that he also be a Christian and a church member. 
 Kather than be a church member and a hypocrite — be 
 a moral and upright man. No man can succeed at law 
 unless he possess ability, tenacity and pluck, and when 
 he adds to these the virtue of being an upright, honest, 
 moral gentleman, his success is assured ; and he becomes 
 the nearer like the -Great Law Maker, who endowed 
 him with all these attributes that makes man only a 
 little lower than the angels. 
 
 § 5. The young men of the profession should be on 
 good terms socially with their elders. You will find 
 old lawyers, who enjoy "a time" with the boys as 
 much now as they ever did. And when you make up 
 a little party, invite some of the old fellows, too. No 
 matter how dignified they appear in court, or how ele- 
 gant and unapproachable they seem, there is nothing 
 that they enjoy more than being out with the boys, 
 unless it is a fat retainer. When the old man becomes 
 warmed up, and is sure he has struck the right crowd, 
 he becomes one of the most congenial of companions. 
 Old lawyers ai'e full of pleasant anecdotes and remin- 
 iscences, of "ye olden time," and when comfortably 
 located in an easy chair with a good cigar, etc., they 
 can entertain a room full of the "coming men" in 
 grand style. You miss it badly, my boy, when you 
 
48 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 fail to cultivate the ancient practitioner. They are 
 much like old and valuable books. The binding may 
 be soiled, the lids warped, and a general appearance of 
 decay pervade the whole volume, but if you brush off 
 the dust, and have the tact to open it properly and at 
 the right place, you will be abundantly paid for the 
 care and effort. You can not shelve them profes- 
 sionally, and you make a serious blunder when you 
 fail to cultivate them socially. From the habit of close 
 attention to business, which is necessary to bring suc- 
 cess, lawyers feel more at home and are more at their 
 ease in their offices, or amid the busy scenes of the 
 court-room, than they do in what the world calls so- 
 ciety. Students who are giants in their own avoca- 
 tion, are often timid when confronted by other and 
 different possibilities of life. So a lawyer, no matter 
 bow retiring and uncommunicative he seems to be, be- 
 comes under the proper influence one of the most 
 congenial and agreeable of companions. And under 
 his pleasant smiles (for he can smile), and colloquial 
 power (for he can talk), you will pass many happy and 
 profitable hours. And all it will cost you will be, the 
 showing to him of that respect you owe to him as an old 
 man, and a pioneer in your own chosen profession. For 
 where you now find in the practice bridges, tunnels, 
 good roads, shady walks, safe drives, all the marks of 
 advanced culture and civilization, he found yawning 
 chasms, dense forests, barren wastes, wild beasts and 
 savages. To him you owe everything ; rules, prece- 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 49 
 
 dents, practice, methods, system and order. All this 
 he has brought out of chaos. 'Tis true, his reward 
 has been wealth, property, honor and fame, all that 
 men hold most dear, and all that makes life worth the 
 living. But even then he leaves to you a rich inherit- 
 ance — a patrimony that made him a busy man for a 
 lifetime to accumulate. And see to it that you are 
 properly educated and equipped to accept so rich a 
 legacy, and to retain it, and to add to it; that you in 
 turn can hand it over to a successor, even more valu- 
 able than it was when you received it. 
 
 Art. 5. The relative ohligations and duties of the 
 court to the lawyers, and of attorneys to the judge. 
 
 OF THE OBLIGATIONS DUE TO THE COURT FROM THE 
 ATTORNEYS. 
 
 § 1. You should approach the judge with fear and 
 trembling, remembering that he is a great man. Once 
 he was only a poor, miserable pettifogger like your- 
 self; but some political party picked him up and made 
 a judge of him, and in doing so made him an autocrat. 
 Not an aristocrat. There is no potentate so powerful 
 as he, and, although he wears no wig and gown, he 
 could do so if he would, and- they are there (in his 
 mind), and if you expect any recognition from that 
 great dignitary, you must court it. You should not 
 swagger into his presence as though you were going 
 
 4 
 
50 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 into a bar-room. Oa the contrary, you enter the court 
 more as though you were going into a church, or into 
 the presence of the Goddess of Justice herself. 
 Judges are as pompous ordinarily as a justice of the 
 peace, and usually have more knowledge than any 
 other lawyer at the bar. No matter how little their 
 practice was, or how meager their experience before 
 they became "Your honors," now they know it all, 
 and in the vernacular of the street, " Don't you for- 
 get it." Indeed, they will not let you forget it. 
 There is no word in the language which contains so 
 much dignity as the little word, judge. Place it be- 
 fore a man's name, and he at once becomes a legal 
 encyclopedia. The word brings inspiration, and your 
 brother advocate, when judge is hitched before his 
 name, looms up a giant in legal knowledge and learn- 
 ing. Therefore, when you come near the ermine, 
 tread gently ; you are on consecrated ground. Speak 
 softly, you are in holy presence. Preface every sen- 
 tence you utter with, "Your honor," and end every 
 utterance with, "If the court please." Stand before 
 him with your hands in your breeches pockets up to 
 your elbows, a big chew of tobacco in your mouth, and 
 spit between each sentence. It gives you the appear- 
 ance of " I don't care a ;" and you can chew and 
 
 spit while you are collecting your thoughts. Always 
 call the attention of the court to yourself, when he is 
 busy, or engaged with some one else. It is a good 
 way to attract attention to youi'self, and make all per- 
 
K LAWTEK S CODE OF ETHICS. 51 
 
 sons present think you are a man of importance, while 
 the judge and others interested think you are a man of 
 impudence. But that makes no difference to you, and 
 it acts as an advertisement, and further, impudence is 
 thought by many people to be a strong element in a 
 successful lawyer's composition. " The appearance 
 of a gentleman, and the assurance of the devil," is a 
 good rule to follow, and is practiced by the best and 
 smartest men in the profession. (The reader and au- 
 thor excepted). 
 
 § 2. Judges very often do things that you do not 
 like. Some are very strict in their rules as to the con- 
 duct of lawyers in the court room, and frequently show 
 their power by enforcing petty rules and regulations. 
 Such as not allowing smoking during the session of the 
 court, in the court room. Not permitting lawyers to 
 sit with their feet cocked up on the chairs and tables . 
 This last rule is cruel and extreme, and hard to obey. 
 Lawyers, as a class, are tired ; and it is a mighty com- 
 fortable position to assume to slide down in your 
 chair, and quietly lay your feet on a table. Of course, 
 you exhibit to the gaze of his honor a certain part of your 
 anatomy which nature possibly intended to be sat upon. 
 But in exposing it thus, you only do in fact that which 
 you often do metaphorically; and a judge is harsh in- 
 deed who will not allow you to assume this angle, if you 
 desire to do so. Some judges run a court as a country 
 school-master does a school ; no talking or whispering 
 permitted, and orders you to sit a whole forenoon 
 
52 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 while he delivers divers opinions on cases which have 
 been submitted to him, and in which you have no 
 earthly interest. He does it to show the members of 
 the bar what a learned old cuss he is ; when you all 
 know that he has resorted to the old trick he learned at 
 college (if he ever saw a college) ; the use of a " pony." 
 He has simply looked over the digest and reports, and 
 ten to one has copied an opinion " verbatim et litera- 
 tnm et punctuatum." Then he objects to you, 
 when standing to address him, placing your foot on the 
 round of a chair, or ramming your hands into your 
 pockets ; or wearing your overcoat, or talking with 
 your pencil in your mouth. He is determined to keep 
 good order if he bursts a suspender. All these, and 
 many more rules as absurd, you must obey, and obey 
 cheerfully, as he is the judge, and you a mere law- 
 yer. 
 
 He may have been born and raised in the country 
 and used to early hours, and so he convenes court at 
 8 o'clock a. m. sharp. You must be there. If you 
 are not, you will find to your sorrow that your 
 cases are in bad shape, as he will call the docket, and 
 if you are late and not there to answer, your cases, 
 either go to the heel of the docket, or they are dis- 
 missed at the costs of your client, and you are repri- 
 manded to boot; and are lucky if you are not fined 
 for contempt of court. You must grin and bear it ; 
 often you must bear it and dare not even grin. The 
 autocrat of the bench will not allow you even that 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 53 
 
 satisfaction. You must poclset all your discomfitures, 
 and have not the right of the small boy who lures his 
 enemy to the solitude of a back alley, and liciss him to 
 his heart's content. But should you ever become a 
 judge, you can do the same — boss the lawyers. 
 
 § 3. You are under great obligations to the judge, 
 because he listens to you, and is all attention when 
 you talk. He could sit and read a newspaper if he so 
 desired. He could lean back in his chair and nap and 
 sleep, and even snore if he wanted to do so ; and as 
 he does none of these things, but patiently listens to 
 your eloquence, you ought to be obliged to him. He 
 could do many things to make you feel uncomfortable, 
 and because he does not, you ought to be grateful to 
 him. The doctrine is laid down, that because we are 
 creatures, and under the control of the Creator, and 
 because He has the power to annihilate us and does 
 not do it, we must worship him. Following the 
 same line of reasoning, we must show great re- 
 spect for the judge. Not for what he does, but for 
 what he could do if he wished to, and does not do. 
 You miss it badly if you do not cater to the weakness 
 of your judge. There are few armors that have no 
 weak points. Or to state it differently, all armor cov- 
 ers people who have weaknesses, and if you can find a 
 vulnerable place, it becomes of no value. Judges are 
 men ; their robes are easily penetrated, and if you have 
 any style about you whatever, you will make friends 
 with the judge. If he smokes, send him cigars. If 
 
54 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 he drinks (No, judges do not drink ), but I say if he 
 does drink, " Set 'em up." If he likes a good horse, 
 call on him and talk horse. If you are not posted on 
 horseology, read up, or have some jockey coach you. If 
 he knows nothing but law (some judges do), and will 
 talk about nothing but law, then read up your law. Go 
 to his house, or room, and tallc law to him until he- 
 can't rest. Salivate him on law, provided he does not 
 want to do all the talking himself. 
 
 It is a big thing to be a judge, and there are so few 
 judges in the country, that it elevates some men to 
 hold the position ; and they are frequently as much 
 surprised when they " get there," as their, friends are 
 to see them there. They feel so comfortable over it 
 that they are continually talking about " law," and 
 " courts." What my friend. Judge So-and-so said ; or 
 " I observed to my associate, Judge So-and-so;" or, 
 •« In my district; " or, " When I last rode over the cir- 
 cuit." When you meet such a judge, give him all the 
 praise you can. Tell him that you have heard of his 
 decisions, and they are considered very sound and 
 scholarly by the bar generally. Give it to him strong ; 
 you cannot satiate him, and when you have a case be- 
 fore him, you will be surprised to see how attentively 
 he will listen to your argument, and you will soon dis- 
 cover that you and he are a sort of mutual admiration 
 society. Old lawyers are on to this scheme, and many 
 cases are won by " log rolling" a judge, as well as 
 " log rolling " a jury. Visit the judge at his rooms. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 55 
 
 It makes the other lawyers say that you own the court, 
 and when the peoplfe find it out, they all will want you 
 to do their business for them. A lawyer who has in- 
 fluence with the court has no end of business ; and the 
 next best thing to being judge yourself, is to own the 
 court, and they who are wise follow this rule to the 
 letter. 
 
 § 4. If you do not like the conduct of the judge, 
 you can ask him to resign. He may do it — and he 
 may not, with the chances that he will not. But no 
 matter, you can ask him to do so. In any event you 
 show him how little you respect him or his position. 
 It is a good way to show your contempt for him. Or 
 you can write a petition, and have other disgruntled 
 attorneys to sign it with you, and give it to the clerk 
 of the court to present to the judge for you, stating 
 your grievances and asking him to step down and out. 
 It is a constitutional right all citizens have, to write 
 and present petitions. And judges are constitution- 
 ally opposed to resigning. Thus, you are even. 
 
 Again, you can organize a rebellion ; secede. You 
 and your friends and other lawyers who are " mad " 
 at the court, can remain away from the sacred temple 
 of the blind goddess. Then the judge is in a fix ; as, 
 what good is a court without lawyers ? And if you are 
 not there, no business can be transacted, and court 
 must adjourn. You are under no obligations to the court 
 that compels you to countenance any of his idiosyn- 
 crasies. If he is a crank, you need not revolve when 
 
56 lawykr's code of ethics. 
 
 he turns. It is a good plan to let the court know ex- 
 actly the estimate you place upon him as a judge and 
 a man. It is well enough for the common herd to 
 tremble in his august presence, but you who aspire to 
 be a judge some day yourself, know only too well out 
 of what kind of material judges are made ; and for 
 you to have any respect for him, or to show any 
 respect toward him, is preposterous in the extreme. 
 Judges are only good as presiding officers. They 
 do very well to tell the sheriff or court officer to 
 open court, and when to adjourn. They answer 
 very well as an instructor to the jury; to explain 
 to them the law ; and to sentence prisoners. They are 
 rather pleasant fellows when they allow attorneys 
 "reasonable" fees for services. Socially, tbey are 
 much like other men ; often more so. Outside of 
 their qualities socially, and their abilities in the differ- 
 ent ways I have enumerated, as followers of the stat- 
 utes which created them, I do not see that they amount 
 to much. They draw good salaries, wi'ite testimonials 
 for law-book publishers, and seem to be a happy and 
 contented class of men. 
 
 § 5. On the other hand, should you desire to treat 
 the judge with common courtesy, and show respect to 
 him as becomes a gentleman and a scholar, this code 
 has no objection, and fur-ther would recommend you 
 so to do. You may be a kind-hearted gentleman. 
 Some lawyers are. You may be cultivated in manners 
 as well as you are read in law. You may not only feel 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 57 
 
 it a duty, but think it, and find it a pleasure to show re- 
 spect toward the court. You may notice many things 
 that occur to annoy and try the temper of the judge, 
 and seeing this, you may, by your conduct, show him 
 that you are willing to bear with him, as he bears with 
 you. The refinement of feeling which your mother 
 gave you, may not all have been lost by the experiences 
 of your professional career, and you may carry it with 
 you into the court room. You may do all this, and in 
 doing it not think that you are doing anything out of 
 place. There are men in this world, and lawyers, too, 
 who are so good that they would not wound the feel- 
 ings, or hurt the pride of any one, not even a judge; 
 men who are equal to all occasions, and fully under- 
 stand the eternal fitness of things. Such men have no 
 need of this book as a guide to their conduct. They 
 will buy it all the same, as they buy all good things. 
 On the other hand, with the majority of men, when 
 they enter the profession, their first thought is, " How 
 shall I address the judge? In what manner must I 
 conduct myself in his presence?" 
 
 There are books written on the methods of conduct- 
 ing trials, and laying down rules to follow in reference 
 to all business in court, but, outside of this, if you fol- 
 low the rules laid down in this book, you are on the 
 right road. Judges are presumptuous ; you must take 
 them down. They are often too dignified; you must 
 humble them. They are arbitrary ; you must rebel and 
 resist them. They often become too big for their 
 
58 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 clothes, and swell up like a toad with importance; 
 you must let out the wind ; stick a pin into them. Be- 
 cause a man is a judge, he is entitled to no more con- 
 sideration than any other man, but he is entitled to as 
 much. Because he is a judge, you need not treat him 
 like a tramp or a politician. If you have no resj)ect 
 for what he now is, respect him for what he once was; 
 i. e., a lawyer like yourself. He has feelings, and 
 some day when he lays aside the judicial robes and be- 
 comes a common, every-day lawyer, and you are the 
 judge, then he will remember you and treat you as you 
 did him, for judges nurse wrath as you do, and know 
 the meaning of the word retaliation. The most com- 
 fortable rule to follow is, to show the court that respect 
 which his position demands and entitles him to receive. 
 If he is a good man, he will appreciate this and treat 
 you as though you are his peer, which, in all probability, 
 you are. 
 
 Art. 6. The duties of the judge to lawyers. 
 
 § 1. The judge must remember that his court can 
 not do business without lawyers. And as they are 
 officers of the court and honorable men, they must 
 be treated with much kindness and consideration. It 
 is a good rule to let them do pretty much as they 
 please. Ijet them browbeat witnesses. It makes the 
 trial of a case exciting, and witnesses have no rights 
 in court that any one is bound to respect. Let them 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 59 
 
 abuse each other to their heart's content. It amuses 
 the jury and is fun for the audience. If they come to 
 blows, it might then become the duty of the court to in- 
 terfere, and it might not. I am not clear myself, on 
 this point. I think I would not interfere. Should 
 the judge have a personal friend engaged in the row, 
 and this friend be the best man and likely to lick 
 his antagonist, then it is bad practice for the judge 
 to interfere. Or should they be ordinary members 
 of the bar, and not special friends of the court, then 
 let them fight it to a finish. But should the bosom 
 friend of the judge be in a fair way of being van- 
 quished, then it is the imperative duty of the court 
 to order the sheriff to separate them, and lock them up 
 or fine them for contempt. Ordinarily, the rule seems to 
 'oe for the court to look calmly on and see fair play-. 
 Should they throw inkstands or books at each other, it 
 is good practice for all present to dodge, as a bystander 
 is as likely to be hit as one of the wranglers. But as 
 long as they strike or hit only each other, the judge 
 should let them bang away. It is a very edifying sight, 
 and a good thing for all concerned, and you would be 
 strongly censured by all the members of the bar, and 
 especially the loungers who frequent court-rooms, 
 were you to stop such a circus. Lawyers will quarrel 
 with each other, and the layman thinks the more 
 abuse they heap upon each other, the nearer they come 
 to receiving their just due. And a judge who would 
 use his judicial power to prevent their outbreaks, would 
 
60 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 commit a grievous wrong upon a long-suffering but pa- 
 tient public, and bring down upon himself the wrath 
 of the whole community. It is to the public a sort of 
 a " dog eat dog affair," and a row in court between 
 lawyers is always a thing of much merriment to the 
 IJeople, and to men who have been witnesses, it 
 seems like just retribution. 
 
 § 2. A judge should render all the assistance to law- 
 yers he can during a trial. When an attorney is a 
 little off in his law, the court should set him right ; 
 especially if he is a young lawyer. Some judges take 
 sides ; this is the rule when a railroad company is a 
 party to the suit, and he has their passes in his pockets. 
 In cases of this kind, return your passes until after the 
 case is tried; then you can have them renewed. By 
 doing this you escape all censure of a showing of par- 
 tiality ; at least you prove that there is no motive in 
 your rulings in favor of the railroad. Always rule to 
 suit the attorneys in the case — no matter how contra- 
 dictory they may be. When both sides present written 
 instructions, with the request that you charge the jury 
 by them, it is your duty to charge, and let the jury 
 decide what is law and what is not law. Lawyers are 
 hard to please, and often ask of you favors that look 
 out of place; but if you understand your business, 
 you will grant them any and all the favors they 
 demand. By charging a jury as they request, and 
 always ruling to suit them, a judge runs no chance of 
 being reversed. They have no ground to go up on 
 
lawyer's code op ethics. 61 
 
 error, and surely would not have the face to appeal 
 under such circumstances. They would be at the end 
 of their string and in no enviable position. The more 
 unreasonable their demands, the more ludicrous they 
 appear when they are granted to them. 
 
 You should never limit a lawyer in his argument, as 
 to time. He is hired by his client to talk for him, 
 and often the size of the fee is regulated by the length 
 of the talk ; and as lawyers only practice for fees, it is 
 a hardship indeed to have a court limit him to a few 
 hours or minutes, when he desires to consume days or 
 weeks. Clients judge of the importance of a case by 
 the length of time consumed in the trial of it. A smart 
 lawyer will make his case run as long as possible ; and 
 a judge is cruel who by any act on his part would 
 shorten the length of a trial by a single moment. 
 You should remember that courts of law are established 
 for the people, and they ought to see to it that the 
 dear public has enough of law, courts, juries, costs, 
 attorneys, and no reason to complain. 
 
 § 3. A judge should not attempt to correct the per- 
 sonal habits of the lawyers. If lawyers sit with their 
 feet on xjhairs or tables in the presence of the court, 
 and chew tobacco and spit on the floor, what business 
 is it of the judges, so long as they do not borrow his 
 tobacco, or spit on him ? If they stand with their hands 
 in their trousers' pockets while addressing him, why 
 should he care? what are pockets for? And so long 
 as they keep their hands in their own pockets, and do 
 
62 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 not ram them into other people's pockets, it looks to 
 me as though the court should commend them for ap- 
 preciating the difference. If a lawyer loves to chew 
 the end of his pencil, then run it into his nose, then 
 into his ear, then back again into his mouth, why- 
 should you kick, so long as he does not run it into your 
 eye? If he thinks the courtroom is the place to pick his 
 teeth, clean his finger nails, and finish making his toilet, 
 why should you rear up ? You ought to be thankful 
 that he is so careful of his appearance. If lawyers pile 
 their overcoats, overshoes, hats, umbrellas, etc., on the 
 bar and under your honor's nose, you ought to feel 
 complimented, as it shows they have the greatest confi- 
 dence in your honesty. If he coughs, and blows his 
 nose incessantly, you need not shudder for fear he 
 blows his head off. The poor wretch is only suffering 
 from nasal catarrh, and so long as he uses a hand- 
 kerchief, you ought to be thankful he does not use his 
 fingers. It is all humbug, this notion some judges 
 have of finding fault with lawyers' habits, and so long 
 as they bear with the court and his peculiarities, he 
 should bear with them and their oddities. 
 
 § 4. A judge has no right to criticise the cut of a 
 lawyer's hair or clothes, or the way he wears his beard. 
 If one affects long hair, and even though he parts it in 
 the middle, he may be very sound on legal proposi- 
 tions and have ideas as long as his hair. In fact his 
 ideas may be so long that they, too, must be parted 
 in the middle. Some men have a horror of long-haired 
 
lawyer's code of ETHtCS. 63 
 
 men and short-haired women. Then, again, some men 
 have not. Another lawyer wears his hair short, and 
 looks like a slugger. The only trouble in such a case 
 is, that sometimes it is hard to distinguish a clipped 
 lawyer from the prisoner at the bar. A judge must 
 put up with some inconveniences in this life, and this 
 is one of the least of them. 'Tis true, a long-haired 
 man with a smoothly shaved face, looks something 
 like an old woman ; and a long bearded man with a 
 clipped head looks like the devil, to say the least. 
 But you should recollect that in the economy of nature 
 there is so much material laid out in hair, and if a man 
 has much on his face he has less on his head ; and if 
 he has less on his face he has more on his head, so that 
 the equilibrium is restored. If there is a lawyer, who, 
 when hair was passed around, was obliged to choose 
 between red hair or no hair at all, and in his desperation 
 took red hair, if he wears his hair clipped and face 
 smoothly shaven, he is the man of fine sensibility and is 
 full of love for the human family. But should he out of 
 the pure, natural cussedness which red-headed people 
 are supposed to be full of, persist in wearing a full 
 beard and long hair ; then, O judge ! do with him 
 what you will. His blood be upon his own head. No 
 judgment against him can be too severe. No order 
 can be made that will not be cheerfully fulfilled to the 
 very letter. No punishment can be too great for him 
 to suffer. Long-haired men, long bearded men, are 
 bad enough ; but when the color is red, and both hair 
 
64 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 and beard long, then the infliction is too great for even 
 lawyers to bear, and a court owes it to the other mem- 
 bers of the bar to do something hi the premises. I am 
 at a loss to advise what vengeance you should heap 
 upon such an individual, but one thing I am sure of , 
 whatever it is, the court will have the undivided support 
 morally and physically of the entire profession. 
 
 § 5. Many professions and trades compel those who 
 are members of them to wear clothes of peculiar style, 
 while lawyers dress each one as he pleases, and follows 
 no particular style. They think they are mighty 
 lucky to have clothes to wear at all. Clergymen affect 
 black broad-cloth ; coat long, vest high, white tie, 
 and solemn expression of countenance; and the effect 
 is to make the beholder think he has struck a funeral 
 procession, and the parson is about to say " Let us 
 pray." Physicians dress much like preachers, only 
 the goods used are of a more fashionable texture; the 
 cout frequently a cut-away, and the vest cut to show 
 a broad expanse of shirt front, necktie bright colors, 
 and the whole outfit rather flashy for a man engaged in 
 so melancholy an avocation as " doctoring symptoms ;" 
 while lawyers, the ioUiest, the best natured, most 
 charitable class of men in the world, dress how? Like 
 other men. Wears clothes ; a coat, vest, pantaloons, 
 shoes, hat (and underclothes, too, I hope), like the 
 balance of humanity. But as to style ; bless you, the 
 most that can be said as to that is, that the style is 
 cosmopolitan. That is, they wear what they can secure 
 
LAWYElt S CODE OF ETHICS. 65 
 
 for the purpose. There are some who dress in the 
 latest style and pay the highest prices for their clothes, 
 and look like the well bred, elegant gentlemen that they 
 are. But as a rule they leave the whole matter to 
 their tailor, so far as the class of goods and style of 
 cut is concerned, often trusting to the word or judg- 
 ment of some modest Israelite. 
 
 Tailors and ready-made clothing men are perhaps 
 the only class of men, unless it is hatters, who can 
 completely out-pettifog a lawyer. They can make 
 him believe that he looks best in any kind of wearing 
 apparel which happens to be on hand, and which they 
 are anxious to sell. Old styles, shop-worn, faded, 
 soiled, moth-eaten, short or long, tight or loose, all wool 
 or all cotton, half-and-half, striped or plain, barred or 
 diagonal ; anything, everything, only so the tailor says 
 it is all right ; they take it. I do believe they could 
 be persuaded to buy, and made to think they looked 
 well in a pair of overalls and a hickory shirt. A 
 preacher as a rule pays more attention to his clothes 
 than he does to his sermons, and spends more time 
 "dressing up" than he does at his prayers. And 
 physicians can tell you more about the covering of the 
 man than they can of his anatomy. Clergymen and 
 doctors can be picked out by their dress in any crowd. 
 A lawyer looks as though he was disgnised, and was 
 trying to hide himself in a suit of misfit clothing — a 
 living example of the saying " that you cannot tell 
 the man by the kind of clothes he wears." While a 
 
 5 
 
66 lawyer's Code of ethics. 
 
 judge should not remark about the clothes that law- 
 yers wear, he ought to set them a pattern as to cut of 
 garments, hair and beard. It is a duty he owes to 
 them. They are quick to catch on, and know a good 
 thing when they see it ; and a judge who has the wel- 
 fare of the profession at heart, will do all he can by 
 example to correct all and any faults the boys may 
 have. They have a few. Therefore, I lay down the 
 rule that it is the sacred duty of the judge to wear 
 clothes, especially while court is in session ; as to shav- 
 ing or not, or wearinsr his hair lona; or short, let him 
 consult his wife. If he is' unmarried, let him consult 
 his best girl. 
 
 Art. 7. A.dvice to the jjrofession generally. 
 
 § 1. Lawj^ers should cultivate eccentricities. Talk 
 to yourself as you walk along the street. Select a 
 particular color for your clothes and always wear it. 
 Never change the cut of your clothes. Wear a slouch 
 hat or a dilapidated plug. Never brush your hat or 
 clothes. If you do, brush them the wrong way. 
 Some lawyers drink to excess, break things, raise Cain 
 generally, and thus become notorious. Others go to 
 church regularly, talk at Sunday-school and temper- 
 ance meetings, and cultivate the pious dodge, to adver- 
 tise themselves. The former class are never so bad as 
 people think they are, and the latter class are never so 
 good as they would make people believe. Some talk 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 67 
 
 slowly and deliberately and try to impress people 
 with the great importance of their business and 
 mission, while others talk rapidly and impress the 
 public with their learning and quickness of thought 
 and repartee. You must cultivate a bearing and char- 
 acter not only different from all other classes of men, 
 but different from every other individual in the profes- 
 sion. Have your office full of books, no matter what 
 kind. Even though they are law books, you need not 
 read them, as you will not have time to do so. But 
 fill your cases with books. It impresses the average 
 client with the belief that you are a ripper and a reader, 
 and helps the book publishei's. If you can not af- 
 ford to buy many law books, procure a lot of Patent 
 Office reports, agricultural books, etc. Any kind will do, 
 so they are books and will make a sliowing. Congres- 
 sional documents are a good kind of literature to fill 
 in space with, and your member of Congress will gladly 
 furnish you with a cart load of them, particularly 
 if his name is in them. 
 
 § 2. Alvvayy have your table and desk full of court 
 papers, spread out like war maps. When you are re- 
 tained in a case, either procure the original pa[)ers or 
 copies of them, and keep them in your office, opened 
 to their fullest extent, lying on chairs or the floor, so 
 arranged that persons coming in can see them. It 
 makes them think you are doing a large business. If 
 you have no cases in court, go to the clerk's office and 
 borrow a lot of files and papers in cases disposed of, 
 
68 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 and scatter them ai'ound your office promiscuously ; no 
 one will read them, and it makes it look like business. 
 It has the same effect on the observer that new dry 
 goods boxes have in front of a store. When a mer- 
 chant desires to advertise new goods, he hustles around, 
 rolls several new boxes on to the sidewalk, and the deed 
 is done, the goods have arrived. When you do busi- 
 ness, be sure to let every one know about it. 
 
 If you have prepared a paper and must file it at the 
 court house, do not fold it and place it in your pocket, 
 or in your hat, where no one can see it. On the con- 
 trary, open it out wide ; catch it by the corner, and 
 holding it at arm's length before you, rush wildly to 
 the court house, run against every man you meet, 
 bump every woman you pass, and stumble over every 
 child in your path ; that gives you a chance to stop, 
 apologize, and explain that you are a lawyer and in a 
 great hurry, etc., etc. Nearly all lawyers do this. Of 
 course there are a few very modest men, and one or 
 two very great men, who do not resort to any of these 
 little tricks to attract the attention of the public. But 
 the mass of the profession spend more time trying to 
 catch the eye of the public, than they do over their 
 books or cases, and the custom has become pretty 
 much as stated above. Never be seen on the street 
 without legal papers in your hands, in your pockets, 
 in your hat or under your arm. You should bristle 
 with papers as a war vessel does with cannon. If you 
 have no papers to file, catch up a piece of blank paper 
 
Lawyer's code of ethics. 69 
 
 and run on to the street with it. No one will notice 
 the difference. It amounts to the same thing : it at- 
 tracts attention, and that is all you need care about. 
 
 § 3. If you can succeed in being retained on both 
 sides of a case, do so. It is a master stroke of policy. 
 It gives you an insight into the whole matter, and yon 
 can fix things in such shape that you will realize a nice 
 fee — and also realize the fact that you are an infernal 
 rascal. If you carry a cane, strike it hard on the pave- 
 ment or floor when you walk; as it indicates force of 
 character ; and the harder you pound the more noise 
 you make, and the more character you have. Noise is 
 often mistaken for character; but the more effectually 
 to carry out the deception, tuck your ears well under 
 your hat, and do not talk above a whisper. If you 
 use tobacco, borrow it from others ; never buy any, as 
 it pleases most people to keep lawyers in tobacco and 
 drinks. When you address the jury, either look cross 
 as though you were mad at them and wanted to eat them , 
 or smile aud smirk on them as though you wanted to 
 swallow them. If you are defending a man charged 
 with a criminal ofi'ense, bring in all his female relations, 
 especially his wife and babies. Seat them around the 
 accused in such order that at the proper moment (of 
 which you have duly posted them ) they can all embrace 
 him, and weep over him. Make them cry frequently, 
 and at stated intervals have them groan. Tears, sighs 
 and groans from a criminal's friends, combined with 
 flattery and tact from the lawyer, often clears men 
 
70 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 guilty of the most heinous crimes. If the prisoner 
 lias no wife or babies, or female relations, bring in 
 your own — as the average jnry will not know the dif- 
 ference, and the court and other lawyers will not give 
 you away. But because a woman and one or two chil- 
 dren are so potent a factor in bringing about the ac- 
 quittal of a prisoner, do not overdo the business, and 
 bring in the matron and all the inmates of a foundling 
 hospital. Do not wear your overcoat in summer for 
 style, and live so that you will not need to wear your 
 linen duster in winter from necessity. You are. not 
 required by this code to be a Chesterfield ; so if you 
 want to 1)6 independent (as lawyers do), and pick your 
 teeth at the dining table with your fork, and blow your 
 nose on the napkin, do it. 
 
 § 4. Some lawyers make it a rule to never give an 
 opinion or "talk law," out of their offices; which is 
 a grave mistake. You should not only give an opin- 
 ion whenever and wherever asked, but you should talk 
 so loud that all passers-by would be attracted, and 
 would stop to listen to you as they would to any other 
 street fakir. When a client comes to your office and 
 asks an opinion on a matter, do not give it at once, not 
 even though you are very familiar with the law in- 
 volved. On the contrary, look over your books; the 
 more books the better ; contract your eyebrows; look 
 wise; then, after mature deliberation and deep reflec- 
 tion, give him an elaborate answer — and charge him ac- 
 cordingly. He will pay it willingly, and go away hap- 
 
LAWYER S CODK OF ETHICS. 71 
 
 py ; while, if you had answered him quickly, he would 
 have grumbled at any charge, no matter how small it 
 might have been ; and if you had charged him nothing, 
 he would have gone away and consulted another attor- 
 ney. Wear your hat tilted back on your head, expos- 
 ing your broad, Irish or Dutch face, and high Webster- 
 ian brow ; it indicates intellectuality. Or cock your 
 hat on one side and down over one eye, that indicates 
 shrewdness. Or wear it on the top of your head, and 
 have it a size too small, if the wiud does not blow it 
 off; which looks as though you were a man of massive 
 brain, and that you cannot find one large enough for 
 you. Or wear it square on your head, pulled down 
 on your ears ; it looks as though you wei'e level-headed. 
 If you wear it properly as a hatter would adjust it for 
 you, you would not look at all professional. 
 
 Some lawyers read up their cases, prepare briefs and 
 notes, and are never nonplussed at any question that 
 may be sprung upon them. A better rule to follow, 
 and one that does not require nearly so much hard 
 labor, is when you are nonplussed to scratch your head ; 
 school boys find this to work admirably. Or, affec- 
 tionately pull your nose; never let any one else pull 
 it. Or, to concentrate your massive intellect, stroke 
 your beard ; or rub your chin if it is smoothly shaved. 
 A toothpick is a good thing to chew and suck to sooth 
 your turbulent brain. So are peanuts, and they are 
 not so vulgar as a toothpick. If you are not too busy 
 in your office, and have read all the text-books, go to 
 
72 lawyer's code op MtHicS. 
 
 the court room and sit there all day. You will hear 
 some fine points ably discussed ; points so fine and so 
 thoroughly discussed that you will be lead into many 
 and serious blunders, when you attempt to follow in 
 your practice the doctrines so laid down. 
 
 § 5. You should wear collars. If standing collars, 
 wear them so high that when you see a creditor ap- 
 proaching, 3^ou can draw down your head by telescoping 
 your neck, and thus escape his notice. Or if turn- 
 down collars, wear them so large that you can rai.^e 
 your shoulders and slip your head behind your shirt 
 front, and thus avoid him. Do not change your linen 
 too often, as it makes your laundry bill run up, and 
 then you might be considered a dude, and that is 
 "so horrid, don't you know?" "Cleanliness is 
 next to godliness," and if you can not be godly, for 
 God's sake.be cleanly. Some people think to be clean 
 personally, physically, and mentally, is effeminate ; 
 therefore rather than be considered like a woman, they 
 go dirty — ^ unclean linen, dirty body, and filthy con- 
 versation. In the beginning of the Christian era, they 
 were called lepers ; now they are called anarchists. 
 Then they were driven among the tombs, away from 
 the habitations of the living, as their very presence was 
 contamination, and all they touched was plague- 
 stricken. Thej' were compelled to cry aloud to warn 
 the unsuspecting wayfarer of their presence, "Un- 
 clean, unclean." Now they are hanged in the pres- 
 ence of the multitude in the center of our most populous 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. ?,^ 
 
 cities, and all good citizens who love peace, good or- 
 der, and civil liberty, shout " bravo ! hurrah ! " at the 
 refreshing spectacle. 
 
 As a rule foreign plants grow luxuriantly, and even 
 take on more beauties in the varied climate of this 
 free land of ours. Foreign styles and fashions are 
 adopted and improved upon. Foreign people are wel- 
 comed to our shores and accepted as citizens, civilized, 
 and honored with position under our government, of 
 trust and profit. But this foreign hybrid, anarchy, a 
 cross between lust and filth, conceived in jealousy and 
 hatred, begotten in the slums of Europe, shipped to 
 this country as pestilence and yellow fever come, al- 
 though escaping quarantine, — it can not live here, or 
 be propagated. The atmosphere of this land is not 
 conducive to the growth or life of such importation. 
 Although reared in some fanatical school of the old 
 country, it can be raised here, but it is done with the 
 hangman's noose. In these cases the position of 
 hangman becomes decidedly honorable, and more dig- 
 nified than even a lawyer's, especially when he is at- 
 torney for the defense. 
 
 § 6. When you see a client going to or coming away 
 from another lawyer's office, it is a duty you owe to 
 yourself and the public to call him aside into an alley 
 or hallway, and inquire as to his business. Do not 
 hesitate to tell him you can attend to his legal matters 
 equally as well, and much cheaper than the attorney he 
 has selected. "While the other lawyer will be as " mad 
 
74 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 as a hatter" at what he will call your ofEciousness, 
 the client will feel grateful to you, as lawyers always 
 charge too much, and you owe it to society at large to 
 beat down fees and bring the services of the legal 
 fraternity within the reach of the most impoverished. 
 
 Make it a point to abuse every other member of the 
 bar at every opportunity. Do more, make oppor- 
 tunities. Being one of them, you know all their vul- 
 nerable points, and can make friends with litigants by 
 talkino; about the weaknesses of brother advocates. 
 Of course you have no weak points. Follow to the 
 letter the rules laid down in this code, and you 
 are all right. You are the one altogether lovely, 
 and the one in whom there is neither guile or gall. 
 By doing this you may lose the good opinion and 
 friendship of other lawyers, but you make the fee 
 and secure the clients, and your conscience is clear. 
 You have done your duty. If you have sinned, it is 
 not a sin of omission. 
 
 § 7. If you are short on books and long on cheek, 
 borrow from a lawyer who has a large library. When 
 you are through with the books, do not return them 
 but place them among your own. He has so many 
 that he will not miss a few iiundred or so. You might 
 as well have them as some one else. Paste your own 
 name over his, and should he ask you for them, deny 
 that you ever borrowed them. 
 
 When an agent for a law-book publishing house 
 calls on you, and to induce you to buy, tells you how 
 
la\\^er's code of ethics. 75 
 
 many books he sells your scholarly friend, shake your 
 head, look mysterious, and by manner and words, de- 
 preciate your friend's ability and attainments, and point 
 to your own large and well selected (stolen) library. 
 At first you will feel ashamed of your conduct, but by 
 persistent practice you will soon overcome all such 
 childish fears of detection and of shame, and in time 
 will, like the great political parties, congratulate your- 
 self upon your successful carrying out of an innocent 
 deception. When you have completely deceived your- 
 self, it is no trouble to deceive others, and you help 
 to keep up the reputation of the profession for hon- 
 esty and integrity. Then the books look as well on 
 your shelves as on the owner's, and that is all law 
 books are for at any rate — to look at. 
 
 § 8. Of course you are no shyster. The word as 
 well as the individual has become obsolete. There 
 may have" been a time when such a thing flourished. 
 It surely was a mere thing. It may have had eyes, 
 ears, arms, hands (like talons), feet (with hoofs), legs, 
 mouth with teeth (or fangs), a nose (a long one 
 thrust into everybody's business), trunk — with inter- 
 nal organs. It may have been a biped, and walked 
 upright like a man, or it may have crawled on its 
 belly. If it ever walked into the profession, it surely 
 has wiggled out of it. If this monstrosity ever ex- 
 isted, it certainly was long before you and I came into 
 the profession . 
 
 There may be lawyers who bring cases without cause 
 
?(> TjAwyer's code of KTHirs. 
 
 or merit ; who sue tiuybody and everybody for some- 
 body or nobody ; who collect claims and neglect to re- 
 mit theproceeds to their principals, because it is against 
 their principles; who commit barratry and champerty ; 
 who sell out clients and let cases go by default; who 
 solicit cases and steal clients and books ; who over- 
 charge ; who are retained on both sides of a case, 
 and then sell out to either or both parties ; who do 
 anything and everything for business and to make 
 money. But as to their being shysters, no, I shciild 
 say not ! They dress well, occupy fine offices, have 
 large libraries, do an immense amount of business, and 
 apparently make money. Could a shyster do all this? 
 Really, I do not know, sir. 
 
 § 9. Then again, you are no hack. There are law- 
 yers who work early and late, from one year's end to 
 another ; who never take any rest from the dull, weary 
 routine work of court and office ; who run a question 
 down in a little 8 by 10 case as completely as they 
 would were millions involved; who prepare long and 
 exhaustive briefs on the most trivial points, and care- 
 fully preserve them for future reference. With them 
 it is dig. They become round-shouldered. There ap- 
 pears a long, deep furrow between their eyes; their 
 hair falls out or becomes gray ; they lose what little 
 personal beauty they ever possessed ; their pantaloons 
 bag at the knees ; their coat-sleeves wear out ; they 
 become prematurely old ; they seldom appear in so- 
 ciety; they are always in a hurry, and are absent- 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 77 
 
 minded when out of theii- office or away from the 
 court-room. Such men are professional hacks. 
 
 But they win cases. They have fat bank accounts. 
 They are retained by rich corporations ; courts listen 
 to them while they talk ; men believe in their opinions, 
 and pay them well for them ; supreme courts reverse 
 themselves after reading their briefs ; they do not 
 have much fun, but they arc not afraid of the alms- 
 house ; they do not wear fine clothes, but their fami- 
 lies do ; if they walk or ride in the street cars, their 
 loved ones ride in private conveyances ; if their own 
 wants are few, they can supply the wants of their fam- 
 ilies to their fondest desire; they have become hacks, 
 drudges. Do not you become one. Better preserve 
 your youth and good looks, your health and your 
 clothes. Marry a rich wife, and in one venture ac- 
 complish what it takes a hack a lifetime to do. 
 
 § 10. Should you fail to secure the reward yon are 
 entitled to, in following the profession of a lawyer, you 
 might turn aside into the more profitable one of jour- 
 nalism. While any man can usually fill the bill as a 
 lawyer, it takes a man of your peculiar temperament 
 and natural ability for a newspaper man. All you 
 need to do is, to write a daily editorial on current top- 
 ics ; with several columns of local news, all of which is 
 very easy, the proof reader and compositor doing all 
 the work. People will buy newspapers when they 
 would never think about beginning a lawsuit. Or, if the 
 profits of your office are not large enough for a man of 
 
78 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 your acquirements, and requirements, you migiit lec- 
 ture. We till know the veriest hind can win at law pro- 
 vided he digs, sticks to it. But to lecture, a man must 
 be brilliant, witty, an orator, and then there is money 
 in it. And it is also so easy when one knows how. 
 Any one who can face an audience, and repeat a lot of 
 statistics and tell a joke, will make a first-class lecturer. 
 You simply appear on the stage, you are intro- 
 duced by a prominent man of the city in which you 
 are to speak, you make your bow, say your say ; bow 
 again, retire behind the door of the box office, receive 
 your 90 per cent of gross receipts, stick proceeds into 
 your pocket or satchel, and leave for your next engage- 
 ment, the lecture bureau or committee paying all your 
 hotel bills, railroad fare, printer's bills, hall expenses, 
 etc. It takes a man of energy and force to do this. 
 You are that man, or you could never have been admit- 
 ted to the bar. 
 
 Hear me ; any man who has the nerve, the sand, the 
 pluck to read the text-books he must read to become a 
 lawyer, and in doing it retain the energy and force of 
 character necessary to pull him through the first few 
 years of his practice, who does not become lazy and 
 shiftless while a student and while waiting for a pra"c- 
 tice, such a man is equal to any emergency in life. 
 He could run a saloon with the same success that he 
 could drive the propelling power of a canal boat. It 
 seems that after a man has read law he is better fitted 
 for the battle of life. This must be so, or why is it 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 79 
 
 that after being admitted to practice, so many abandon 
 the law and follow other avocations? 
 
 § 11. So far, this book has been devoted to advisins: 
 you what to do. To tell you what you should not do, 
 would be an endless task. But there is one question 
 I would avoid were I in your place, as I would the 
 pestilence. That is woman's suffrage. Now mark my 
 words : People will fool around that subject until 
 some one is hurt. It is a mighty uncertain quantity, 
 and no one knows exactly how to handle it. It has 
 been sprung upon the public like miy other sleight-of 
 hand-trick, and the audience thus far hardly know how 
 to receive it; as a "stern reality or a barren ideal- 
 ity." You may mark it " Handle with care ;" " This 
 end up ;"" Explosive ;" "Dynamite;" " Nitro-Gly- 
 cerine ;" " Powder," etc. It is all this and more too. 
 It is as noiseless as an earthquake, and may prove as 
 disastrous in its results. It may turn out to be as de- 
 structive as a Western blizzard when it is let go. It is 
 as uncertain as the " Keeley motor," and will blow 
 you sky-high should you drop it. 
 
 Lawyers are so prone to dive into any and all new 
 questions, outside of their own profession, that I have 
 been worried for many years for fear some one more 
 venturesome than cautious, would attempt to investi- 
 gate this subject and blow the fraternity to atoms for 
 his inquisitiveness. 
 
 Let clergymen, editors, statesmen, politicians and 
 their friends, handle this advanced idea to their hearts' 
 
80 lawyer's (ODE or ethics. 
 
 content ; but you keep away from it until you are sat- 
 isfied that it is iiarmless and has come to stay ; that it 
 will advance youi" interests either politically or finan- 
 cially. Then when you are assured of ail this embrace 
 it, fondle it, cherish it, hug it, love it, but until then 
 I would avoid it. You can afford to wait. Haste has 
 ruined many a man. In this case delay is not danger- 
 ous. 
 
 § 12. Should your business become dull and your 
 money and credit both fail you, there is a way to 
 make money outside of the weary and monotonous 
 routine of your profession. This method has become 
 quite the fashion in this progressive age. By many 
 old-time, puritanical people, it is considered very 
 wicked. As to that we will enter into no discussion. 
 It is a sure way to make money, and that is all you 
 need care about it one way or the other. 
 
 To be successful at it you must cultivate nerve, 
 immobility of countenance, dissimulation, deceit, 
 quickness of eye and hand, good temper, affability, 
 apparent generosity ; in fact, all the graces and accom- 
 plishments of a gentleman, and the cunning and 
 tenacity of the devil. You must learn to avoid any 
 physical demonstration or symptom, by which a close 
 observer could form any opinion as to the operation 
 of your mind. You must not manifest any feelings 
 of joy or sorrow. While your mind and body are 
 performing all the functions for which they were 
 created, you m-ust so control the action of your eyes 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 81 
 
 that they see everything going on about you, but the 
 other persons present inust be led to think otherwise. 
 The action of your hands must be so dextrous that 
 while they do your bidding, your next neighbor can 
 notice nothing unusual. The movement of your heart 
 must be so regulated that, no matter what transpires, 
 you neither turn pale, or flush. While you are in fa^t 
 all attention and animation, and on the alert to catch 
 any and all movements, utterances, even looks; of all 
 others, you must seem to be stone, wood, heartless, 
 bloodless, anything but what you are. You must 
 stitle conscience and bring your mind and cool judg- 
 ment down squarely to the business in hand. 
 
 Some years ago no one would have recomnaonded 
 this system (it is called a system ) as a way out of finan- 
 cial difficulties ; but since a prominent statesman has 
 thought so much of it as to go to the trouble to write 
 and publish a book about it ; and not being satisfied 
 with the mere act of writing a book, but going to 
 Europe to introduce and teach its mysteries to the nobil- 
 ity ; since politicians practice it, and use it to replenish 
 their own empty pocket books, and make their salaries, 
 as United States Senators and members of Congress 
 with the revenue derived from it, cover their expenses 
 at Washington; since women, fair, lovely women, 
 leaders of fashion, use it to mike extra pin money, 
 there seems to be no harm in advising lawyers to woo 
 Dame Fortune by its use. If you have no copy of the 
 book, and are not acquainted with any statesman who 
 
 6 
 
82 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 could teach you this system of making money easy 
 would advise you to consult some commercial dm 
 mei'. Eead to him this section, and if he does r 
 " catch on " and teach you the sinful game, it will 
 because he has " turned over a new leaf," and " swc 
 off," or because he pities your verdancy. 
 
 § 13. If from some conscientious scruples you woi 
 rather not accept the advice in the foregoing secti( 
 you might try politics. Come to think the mati 
 over, I believe the same instructions given in the 1 
 section would fit exactly for a political career. Gu( 
 that was what I was thinking about when I wrote 
 Become an active member of the party that coiitr 
 the offices. Do not make a mistake and join a pa 
 for principles. That is played out. While old lawy^ 
 are laying for the judgeship, the young ones shoi 
 hustle for the State's attorneyship. The salary is gc 
 for a young lawyer. When you have a real hard ci 
 to prosecute, the court kindly furnishes you with 
 assistant. While his Honor rules in the court roo 
 2/oM rule in the grand jury room. You are a dictat 
 You say " Find a bill;" and a bill is found. You £ 
 "No bill ;" and no bill is returned. A bill may peg 
 bly be returned, but before trial you may change yc 
 mind ; why, you need not say ; but you do change it, a 
 enter a nolle prosequi, and your duty as a pul 
 servant has been performed. You had a bill foui 
 and thereby licked one party. You " nolled " it, a 
 tickled the other party. And the tax-payers grim 
 
lawyer's code or ethics. 83 
 
 (or growled, not much difference which) and paid the 
 bill. You are a ripper, and "don't you forget it;" 
 and the people will not forget it, either. When your 
 term of office expires, admiring friends will buy you a 
 nice gold-headed cane, and a brother attorney will pre- 
 sent it to you with a dear little speech ; and you will 
 reply in a dearer little oration, and you will fall on 
 each other's necks and weep, and like little "Jack 
 Horner" say, " What a big man am /." 
 
 § 14. If you should be laid out in politics, which 
 sometimes happens, joiu a secret fraternity. Join all 
 you can. It will help you with most any jury. When 
 you have a bad case with the law, and evidence squarely 
 against J'^ou, you can wink and make the sign of dis- 
 tress to the jury, and the case is " won on its merits." 
 
 § 15. Should you be so unfortunate as to be black- 
 balled, and good fellows like you often are, you might 
 become a member of the Grand Army of the Republic, 
 if you have been in the army; no matter in what capa- 
 city, even though only a sutler, join the G. A. R. The 
 less powder you smelled, the fewer battles you fought, 
 the more often you ran, the larger the bounty you re- 
 ceived, the longer you were in the hospital, the more 
 time you were away from the front on furlough, the 
 more talking and less service you performed, the more 
 reason you have to belong to the fraternity. The 
 brave, scarred veteran may find you out as a fraud and 
 give you the "grand bounce," but again, they may 
 never suspect you. To succeed in this world, you 
 
84 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 must join something; you must make yourself notori- 
 ous, and any of tlie methods herein suggested appear 
 on the face of them to be just what you are seek- 
 ing. 
 
 § 16. You should encourage "lynch law." There 
 are lawyers who make a great fuss about the enforce- 
 ment of this law, and in doing so show their short- 
 sightedness. The man who is lynched is one criminal ; 
 and had his trial been before the legalized tribunal, 
 would have given employment to only a few attorneys. 
 On the other hand, the men who lynched him all be- 
 come criminals, and if arrested and brought to trial 
 would need the help of all of you. Lynch law makes 
 business for lawyers, and it should be your first thought 
 to increase business. I would recommend an idea 
 suggested by an old man (not a lawyer), " Our leg- 
 islature should pass the lynch law, the same as they 
 have in some other States." 
 
 § 17. There is one poor, lone individual that I al- 
 most forgot to mention; the best friend a lawyer has 
 except his clients, and that is, the professional jury- 
 man. Reader, I want to ask one favor of you, a per- 
 sonal favor, and it is: That you stand by our old 
 friend. Protect him ; cherish him ; look well to his 
 comfort. You can never tell when you will need him. 
 To-day you challenge him " for cause," to-morrow 
 you may want him " be-cause." He is a necessity as 
 much as a dome on your court house. If it were not 
 for a dome, who could tell your temple of justice from 
 
Lawyer's code of ethics. 85 
 
 a temple of the gods? If it were not for your old 
 friend, who could tell a court room from a chapel? 
 
 § 18. All things must have an end, for which we are 
 sometimes truly thankful. But there will never be an 
 end to the laws or law books. The rules laid down in 
 this work are general, and must be varied according to 
 circumstances and the judgment of the reader. They 
 can be applied with perfect safety, each one selecting 
 those adapted to his own particular case. The other 
 ones he can salivate his friends with. The author has 
 endeavored to let no guilty man escape, believing 
 that innocence can aiford to suifer if the wicked are 
 punished. These rules are based upon years of expe- 
 rience and careful observation, and are honestly recom- 
 mended to the brethren of the profession. It is 
 earnestly hoped that all who read them will find the 
 road to wealth and fame much easier to follow in the 
 future, and will remember the writer in their prayers, 
 for his efforts in their behalf. If you have smiled at 
 this nonsense, and for a brief time forgotten the cares 
 and perplexities of business, the mission of this book 
 has been accomplished, and the writer is content. 
 
 THE END. 
 
INDEX. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 ' ' The Title Page of the Book " . . . .1 
 The reader's attention is called to tbis page, and he is 
 advised to read it, as it is very necessary, to the full 
 enjoyment of any work, that he knows what he is 
 reading about. It might be a book of sermons. 
 
 " The Dedication " 3 
 
 As a rule, an author as a compliment dedicates his work 
 to his mother, the motive power to all great and good 
 things he accomplishes ; or to his wife," who stimulates 
 him to win fame and riches ; or to a dear friend, who 
 "bears with his infirmities ; " or to a patron, who has 
 position or riches. He always dedicates to some one 
 who is dear to him, or who is prosperous or famous. 
 I have gone square against precedent in this instance, 
 and, with the consent of my publishers, have dedi- 
 cate this work to two unlucky men who are ' ' to 
 fame and fortune unknown." It is a melancholy 
 fact, as I have stated it. The brightest member of 
 our class — the one who could anticipate the ques- 
 tions and answer them before they were fully fired at 
 us by the committee — is in a State prison. The 
 other one, who answered promptly, but only 
 promptly, is in a State legislature. While the one 
 who answered hesitatingly, and sometimes answered 
 
 (87) 
 
88 Lawyer's oobtt of KTittrs. 
 
 iiot at all, survives to inflict this effusion upon you. 
 The criminal is disbarred ; why we other two ai-e not, 
 I do not know. 
 
 ' ' The Preface " . . . . . . . .5 
 
 The Preface was written before the book was com- 
 menced. The author hopes it agrees nearly enough 
 with the text to not cause the reader any great in- 
 convenience. 
 
 " The Index" 87 
 
 This index is unlike any other index, in either ancient 
 or modern literature. Brevity is no object. My idea 
 is to furnish an elaborate index, commensurate with 
 the contents of the work. The ordinary index is too 
 much like a hotel bill of fare. This one has the merit 
 of being original — to say the least of it. 
 
 TEXT. 
 
 Art. 1, § 1. " Of the Duties up Lawteks to their 
 Clients " . ....... 
 
 "The first thing to do is to secure your chent." 
 Vou may have an office, a nice bright sign, good 
 library, advertisements, or a neat card in all the local 
 papers, and hosts of friends, who slap you on the back 
 and say: " Hang on, old boy, you will come out all 
 right," etc. ; " Stick to it, you will win," etc. This 
 is all right, and looks well, and sounds cheerful to a 
 beginner; but, my boy, a client beats all this — even 
 only one — one client with a retainer. His old hard- 
 
tAWYER^S CODE OF fifHtcS, S9 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 hand is as soft as velvet ; his wrinkled, homely face, 
 is as fair to IooIj upon as your sweetheart's; his 
 cracked voice is as the melody of running water ; his 
 gruff manner pleases you more than the polite 
 banker who says, " Good morning, old fellow; that 
 is right ; stick to business ; ' ' and then asks you 
 where the office of an old practitioner is, and carries 
 to him a case that you could handle equally as well as 
 "ye ancient" barrister. All you who have experi- 
 enced this, hold up your hands. What a multitude 
 we are. 
 
 ' ' It will give you time to read up a work ox Jus- 
 tice's Practice " . 
 
 Should you only have the Statutes, and a work on 
 " Practice in Justice's Court " and read them, you will 
 be surprised at the execution and havoc you can 
 make in the camp of the enemy. It is like the man 
 whose tools are only a hatchet and a saw; there maj^ 
 not be much beauty of design and finish in his work, 
 but for durability, speed, and quantity, he surpasses 
 your friend with a chest full of tools. Some observ- 
 ing man has said: "Beware of the man with one 
 book." Then how much more formidable must the 
 man be with two books. An actor once said when he 
 forgot his cue, that he quoted from either the Bible 
 or Shakespeare, and they never failed him. You can 
 rely on the Statutes and a " Treatise for Squires, " 
 and I am sure of your success, if your case is before 
 a magistrate. 
 
 ' ' You might as well be without a client as to have 
 
 A CLIENT WITHOUT A RETAINER " 
 
90 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 You will fiad more truth than jDoetry in this. After 
 reading this article, I hope it will never be said of you 
 that " you knew your duty and did it not." You 
 must live ; to live you must buy, to buy you must 
 pay, to pay you must receive retainers, to receive re- 
 tainers you must have clients, and when you have 
 them, retain them. The man who lends you money 
 in your need is a friend. But borrowed money must 
 be repaid. The man who provides a way for you to 
 earn money, is a friend indeed. Such a man is a 
 client. Hold fast to him, as the apple of your eye. 
 While no man can buy your friendship, never aban- 
 don a client while there is a plank left to stand on. 
 The man who helps you to the means of sustaining 
 life, should be as near to you as a brother. If he 
 abandons you, then this article is for the other 
 lawyer. 
 
 Art. 1, § 2. " Have xonii client call at your office 
 
 OFTEN " . . . . . . . . .9 
 
 You say how often ? When you commence practice, 
 he can not come too often. When the number of 
 your clients increase, then you hope and pray the 
 number of visits of each one will be less frequent. 
 The client you love most, will be the one who pays 
 the most and bores you the least. This is between 
 you and me, and should not be repeated outside the 
 profession. 
 
 "Have hui bring all the witnesses to your office " 9 
 This looks like business, and when you commence to 
 examine them and require your student or junior 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 91 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 partner to ''take it clown," he will think it is busi- 
 ness. It is good practice, and a lawyer can prepare 
 his case better when he knows exactly what eacli wit- 
 ness will testify to before trial, but he is not required 
 in his zeal for bis client, to educate the witnesses. 
 His client will do that for himself, and more to the 
 point than he can do it. " Discover how much he is 
 worth." Then you know how to approach the jury. 
 Much respect is shown to money and position, while 
 sympathy only is shown to poverty. 
 
 "Always CONTINUE TOUR CASES " . . . .10 
 
 This has become so much the practice that a man would 
 be disbarred were he to forget to file his motion for a 
 continuance. He might as well think to go to trial 
 without a petition, or fail to verify his pleadings and 
 go to trial. It makes no difference from which side 
 it comes, but the motion must be made — -and made 
 each term. Some lawyers insist on continuances with 
 more energy and skill than they display when in try- 
 ing an important case, which proves the necessity 
 and usefulness of a motion for continuance. 
 
 Art. 1, § 3. "In drawing a J0RT, secure one to suit 
 yourself " . 
 
 A jury is an important factor in a lawsuit, and a jury of 
 your own selection is perhaps the best one, and the 
 only one that can be relied on to give a just verdict, 
 and one that will be satisfactory to you and your 
 client. There are lawyers in every community 
 whose strong points consist in their ability, not as 
 lawyers, not as orators, but in the fact that they 
 
 11 
 
92 tAwrKT; s code of KtrtlciS. 
 
 know how to draw a jury, and have the ability to do 
 it and not expose themselves to any provable offense 
 against the law. I would advise the reader to 
 "catch on." It is worth investigating. 
 
 " There is no way ti> hang the justick " . . .12 
 
 But you can make things so hot for him that he will 
 either go out and hang himself, or mix the law and 
 the facts up so with his own ideas and the arguments 
 of counsel, that you will have no trouble to go up to a 
 reviewing court. But never try a case again before 
 him. If you do, 3'ou will hear something drop, and it 
 will be a lawj^er. 
 
 " Appeal " . . . . . . . .12 
 
 If you do not, tlie other lawyer will ; so it is as broad as 
 it is long, and you might as well be belligerent as he. 
 The harder a man is to lick, the better lawyer he is ; 
 and as long as you appeal or file bills of exception, 
 justso long you are in the ring, often mightily disfig- 
 ured and badly winded, but you are there all the same. 
 
 Akt. 1. § 4. "Always take the right side of a case " 12 
 All lawyers do this. I have seen them go from a jus- 
 tice's court to the Supreme Court, and would have 
 gone on to a higher court had there been one. They 
 were defeated in every court and at every point, and 
 with all this you could not make them believe that 
 they had the wrong side of the case. But when the 
 clients who had followed them from "Dan to Ber- 
 sheba," " arrayed in purple and fine linen," and rode 
 in a palace car and "fared sumptuously every day," 
 were forced to walk home, " clothed in sack cloth and 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 93 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 ashes," feeding on the husks that they had thrown 
 away in their prodigality, then, my brethren, was 
 " heard weeping and wailing, and gnashing of teeth." 
 And when these clients were forced again to contend 
 in the law courts, they bobbed up serenely with other 
 counsel — Wliy? Echo answers, " The reason is ob- 
 vious." 
 
 ' 'Abdse the opposition " . . . . . .13 
 
 But when you leave the court room, provide yourself 
 with a club, as sometimes the opposition think they 
 have personal and individual rights that they must 
 take care of, in the manner provided for by the laws 
 of nature. As the civil law has given them no 
 remedy, they resort to clubs instead of jaw. Be- 
 cause jaw proved such an eliicient weapon in the 
 hands of Samson, who was no lawyer (the jaw may 
 have been a lawyer's), it does not follow that every 
 man with a jaw can prove himself a Samson. 
 
 " Stick to your client while he has jioneyoi; ckeuit " U 
 You practice law for money, not for love — unless it be 
 the love of money. Money, the incentive to all labor, 
 • self-denial and crime — strive to be a good lawyer; 
 even a good criminal lawyer; but do not in doing so 
 become a criminal yourself. There seems to be a 
 difference between a criminal lawyer, and a criminal. 
 
 Art. 1, § .5. '-Make youii clikmt peel at ease; and 
 win the case " . . . . . . .41 
 
 Give him a rocking chair to sit in, if he is uneasy lay 
 him on the sofa, or swing him in a hammock. If he 
 
94 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGB. 
 
 did not expect you to win his ease, he would not have 
 come to you. You will find no trouble in doing this 
 if yon follow the rules as laid down in this code. 
 
 " The PROFESSION IS AN HONORABLE ONE " . . .15 
 
 And has been from time immemorial. It is so well 
 thought of that many men prefer to be second rate 
 lawyers, and nearly starve themselves and families, 
 and ran in debt, rather than be first-rate farmers, or 
 coal diggers, .and live on the fat of the land, all on 
 account of the honor. They would rather have a 
 belly-full of honor than food ; something after the style 
 of "love in a cottage." This sentimentality as to 
 the profession was all right in colonial days, perhaps ; 
 or in England, where professional men rank next to 
 the nobility; but in this country a first-class mechanic 
 is far more respectable than a second-class lawyer 
 
 " Do NOT BECOME A BOOK-WORJC " . . . . l(i 
 
 Neither any other kind-of a worm ; only worm yourself 
 into the confidence of the people to the extent that 
 you secure patronage ; or into the graces of a young 
 lady who has wealth added to her other charms ; or 
 into the regards of an old and successful practitioner 
 to such a degree that he takes you into partnership. 
 
 " Op the OBLIGATION OP CLIENTS TO THEIK ATTORNEYS " 1(1 
 
 Art. 2, § 1. " Always advan(je a retainer " . . Ki 
 
 Do this at your first visit ; while there seems to be very 
 
 little in your case at first, you will be surprised at the 
 
 importance it assumes when your attorney receives 
 
 his retainer. In England, counsel is not bound to 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 95 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 stand by his client unless he receives a retainer, and 
 can abandon him at any moment, and even take the 
 other side of the case, — but in this country counsel 
 stand by a client until they diO receive a retainer, and 
 then they take the other side, and receive another re- 
 tainer, and do not abandon either client or either 
 fee. 
 
 " Place YOUR SON IX HIS OFFICE TO READ r.Avv^" . . 17 
 This is a good way to prove to your attorney your appre- 
 ciation of him (the son not the attorney). The pro- 
 fession is not crowded — a lamentable fact. Go to 
 any town in the country and you will find rooms, 
 many rooms, vacant. Large blocks on busy streets, 
 in good and growing cities, with dozens of rooms 
 vacant, in the upper stories. All such rooms were 
 intended for lawyers ; and so long as they are vacant, 
 there is surely room for more lawyers. 
 
 " All GREAT MEN WERE LAWYERS " .. . . .18 
 
 And it follows that all lawyers are great men ; at least 
 in their own- estimation (the reader excepted). All 
 great acliievements were accomplished by lawyers or 
 through their advice. Do not at present recollect any 
 particular one, but I can produce the proof should 
 the proposition be seriously controverted by any 
 responsible person. 
 
 Art. 2, § 2. "To borrow money always go to your 
 
 attorney" . 1!^' 
 
 And you will not get it from him. But he has another 
 client who will advance it for you, provided you give 
 him 2 or 3 per cent for making the loan for you. 
 
96 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Your lawyer will tell you he would lend it to you if 
 he had it, but that he is broke, which is, perhaps, the 
 truth. For lawyers as a rule are broke, and would 
 rather borrow from you than to lend to you. 
 
 " Hire YOOE ATTORNEY BY THE YEAR " . . .20 
 
 If you are a farmer, or a man wlio has full faith in the 
 truthfulness of the race, a man easily imposed upon, 
 this is a rule you should observe. Better pay a law- 
 yer to guard your business conduct, than to pay all 
 kind of patent right and Bohemian Oats notes, which 
 you have been induced to sign without consideration 
 or value received, unless the court should hold that' 
 the experience to you was worth the full face value of 
 the note. 
 
 Art. 2, § 3. "Bring yuur attorney business" . 21 
 Run your legs off, and wear" out your cheek, soliciting 
 business for him. You might become an active part- 
 ner soliciting, and a silent partner in the divis- 
 ion of profits. Have yourself elected alderman, or 
 justice of the peace. You can then secure business 
 for your lawyer, and he will cheerfully divide with 
 you. Nothing dishonorable about that, so long as no 
 one finds it out. You would be a sort of " Solicitor 
 in Chancery," with a chance of getting yourself in- 
 vestigated by the grand jury. 
 
 "Lawyers are oBLiGixi.i men" .... 21 
 
 And are fond of being obliged. They will accept a 
 
 favor with as much grace, if not more, than they will 
 
 grant one In this they are much like actors. I 
 
 never saw an actor of either high or low degree, who 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 97 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 would not accept an invitation to eat or drink — they 
 are always hungry and dry, — and like the small boy 
 they seem to be " hollow clean to the ground." 
 When you offer part of anything to a lawyer, hold 
 fast to the other part or he will take it all. 
 
 Lawyers never die " . . . . . 22 
 
 You would think so were you a young lawyer, com- 
 mencing your professional career. When you were 
 a little boy, and your father consulted the oldest at- 
 torney in town, and he had long gray hair and shook 
 with palsy, and his voice was cracked, and he walked 
 on crutches, and coughed and spit up a lung once in 
 a while, you went home and expected to be in- 
 vited to attend his funeral soon, in a day or two at 
 the farthest. Well, when you grew up and went to 
 school, then to college — then to law school, then 
 took your trip through the United States and Can- 
 ada — then a tour in the Old World — with a course 
 at some foreign university. You came home, buried 
 your father, your mother, your youngest brother, who 
 when he died was an old man ; yes, you did all this ; 
 then you settled up your father's estate, and conclud- 
 ing you were too old to marry, you would open a law 
 oflfice. You found a room, moved in your traps, 
 nailed up your sign, and sat down waiting for clients. 
 One day you were dreaming, sitting in your easy 
 chair with your feet on the table, when you heard a 
 cough, then the noise of crutches, then a cracked, 
 harsh laugh ; your door is opened, and there, with the 
 same white hair, the same palsy-shake, the crutches, 
 
 7 
 
98 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 the cough (and no lungs), stands the same identical 
 old lawyer that you saw when a boy. You can hardly 
 believe your eyes. " They never die." 
 
 "Because they never have time to die" . . 22 
 This is true. They enter the profession late in life ; 
 they are poor, and with their time all taken up in the 
 race for fame and riches, and looking after the affairs of 
 the living, and the estates and wills of the dead, they 
 find themselves so fully occupied that they really have 
 no time to die. " There seems to be no place pre- 
 pared for them to go to if they would die." That is 
 the reason they hustle so in this world. This they are 
 sure of, the other is speculation. While they are not 
 adverse to speculations, they must be carried on here, 
 not in any unknown hereafter. Then, if there should 
 be a place for them, it will not suit them. They have 
 become so accustomed to kick, that they would kick 
 in paradise as well as in hades. Since this is so well 
 known, I do not wonder, that in the laying out of the 
 "New City," there wafe no provision made for lawyers. 
 This may be the reason why some attorneys leave 
 the fraternity and unite with the clergy. The clergy 
 are supposed to have a sure thing — and a lawyer 
 loves a sure thing. 
 
 " All LAWYERS HAVE EATHEKS " . . . .23 
 
 And they usually know their fathers. If the lawyer 
 turns out pretty well, the old man is never as happy 
 as when he is telling the neighbors what a wonderful 
 son he has. While the mothers, God bless them all! 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 99 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 think their boys wonderful and smart, no matter what 
 they do. 
 
 Art. 2, § 4. " Money is a balm " ... 23 
 
 A representative of all that is good and bad in life, 
 and a purchasing medium for everything except hon- 
 esty and virtue. To an honest man and a virtuous 
 woman, it represents toil and deprivation, and is 
 a purchasing medium for necessaries and pleasure 
 for those they love. To a lawyer it is simply a balm 
 to tickle his palm : he suffers of conscience no 
 qualm: and he don't give ad — n whether it comes 
 from woman or man, so he gets it. 
 
 "Moderate fees" . . . . . . ' . 23 
 
 Take all you can get, and be quick about it, as delays 
 are often dangerous. But always leave something 
 for your client. Do not take it all. Leave him 
 enough to pay his hotel bill and his fare home. You 
 do not want him "broke" and on your hands. If 
 you do not want to trust iiim with his share of the 
 recovery be it ever so small, buy him. a railroad ticket, 
 and fix him up a lunch and send him home. 
 
 " No CLASS OF JIEN WORK SO UARD FOR SO LITTLE PAY " 23 
 
 Preachers take their hay fever vacation every summer. 
 Merchants and their clerks take their two weeks off. 
 The day laborer has his rainy days, when he can 
 rest ; but the lawyer must dig. He has no days off ; 
 he may have the hay fever until he wheezes like a 
 windbroken horse. His eyes may give out, he adds 
 glasses. His hands tire, he hires a typewriter. He 
 
100 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGB. 
 
 loses sleep, he braces up on whisky. He cannot stop 
 to rest ; if he does he will be run over by the very 
 machinery he has set in motion. You say he is paid 
 for it. That is so. He is paid for it or takes a note 
 with approved security, due and payable in 60 days 
 with interest from date; etc., etc., etc. 
 
 " Lawyers should cultivate cheek " . . .24 
 
 This proposition will not bear comment. 
 
 Art. 2, § -5. " Flatter tour attorney " . . .2.5 
 
 It is a bitter pill ; but the^' take it, and cry for more as 
 a baby does for soothing syrup. They are very sus- 
 ceptible 
 
 " YoDR lawyer is your best friend " ... 26 
 
 So is your mother, your wife, or your sweetheart; but 
 for a friend who is an all-round friend at all times 
 and under all circumstances, your lawyer is the man 
 you can bet on so long as he receives a share of the 
 winnings. If you lose, he usually stands by you 
 until the last prayer is said, the cap is on, the noose 
 adjusted and the trap sprung. He is the first man to 
 feel the place where your pulse recently was, and he 
 helps the sheriff to cut you down. He assists the 
 undertaker to place you in the box, and sits up with a 
 hired man over your grave to scare away body-snatch- 
 ers. He has been conspicuous from beginning to end 
 by his objecting to everything, and doing it all in 
 your interest or the interest of your heirs. And if 
 there be a widow, and she be a young widow, — but 
 I refrain. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 101 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Art. 3. " Of the obligations op the old members op 
 the professton to the young men " .27 
 
 § 1. "a young man has no business to become a 
 lawyer" ........ 27 
 
 It is not his fault ; some relative with more gall than 
 sense, or some dunce of a phrenologist tells the young 
 imp that he has all the elements in him to make an 
 eminent lawyer. Thus the mischief is wrought and 
 thereafter that boy is of no earthly account to any 
 one, nor for any purpose whatever. And his poor 
 deluded father is ready and glad enough to be rid of 
 him at any cost, and in his desperation he hustles him 
 oft to a lawyer's office; and though he has for the 
 time being gotten a bad case off his hands, it is only 
 a temporary respite. He repents it all when his boy 
 becomes a judge. 
 
 " A RISING YOUNG lawyer" . . . . .28 
 
 The man who first wrote the above sentence — for the 
 benefit of all young lawyers, it were better had he 
 never been born. He has worked the profession an ir- 
 reparable injury. Any lawyer, no matter who he is, or 
 what his ability or chance for success, whenever he is 
 spoken about as a " rising young lawyer," is ruined. 
 He had better change his location or calling in life. 
 How these old lawyers can roll the word young about 
 in their mouths as a sweet morsel. Whenever you 
 hear any one say " he is a rising young lawyer," kill 
 that person on the spot. If there ever is a time when 
 homicide is justifiable, it is then — and is so looked 
 upon by ordinarj'^ juries. 
 
102 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 " The PROFESSION IS EXCLUSIVE " • . . .29 
 
 That is, no one but lawyers can become members ; as to 
 members, there is no limit. The rule seems to be, 
 the more the merrier. And as a rule they are a merry 
 lot of men. Unlike many other commodities that are 
 manufactured, the supply is always equal to the de- 
 mand ; and unlike the manufacturer of other commo- 
 dities, there is no way of shutting down the factories 
 until the demand equals the supply. 
 
 " Men OF CULTURE AND RENOWN." . . . .29 
 
 This is the most prominent feature, or rather peculiarity 
 of the men who are lawyers. They are all cultivated, 
 polite, educated, clean, gentlemen, — men whose per- 
 sonal habits are of the purest, their conversation the 
 most refined and chaste. As to their renown, they 
 are often known in one or two wards in a city, and 
 sometimes they are known in the adjoining township. 
 The sheriff knows them so well that he frequently 
 calls them into a jury box ; while the constable and 
 bill collector could recognize them in the dark. 
 
 Art. 3, § 2. " Draw the line at age." . . 29 
 
 The old man while he cannot see anything remarkable 
 in the "make up, either physical or mental, of the pres- 
 ent young man, delights in telling what he could do, 
 and did do when he was a young man. The sun shone 
 brighter then ; the trees and grass were greener, 
 the winters were colder and the summers warmer. 
 Young men, when he was a young man, were stronger, 
 and smarter, although they had no school advantages, 
 than the young man is now. Lawsuits were more 
 
lawyer's code or ethics. 103 
 
 PAGB. 
 
 hotly contested, and while he always won his cases, 
 it was only after a hard and laborious trial. Could 
 the telescope of years, or of a lifetime, be focused 
 on the moon, we could surely see the people of that 
 defunct planet, if we could not talk to them. 
 
 "Dignity OF THE CALLING :" ..... 30 
 
 Very dignified, but when a lawyer wrapped up in his 
 mantel of dignity is hurrying along on a pavement cov- 
 ered with ice and falls, he falls just as hard, and looks 
 just as ludicrous, and feels just as silly, and is laughed 
 at just as heartily, and arises just as rapidly and looks 
 around to see who saw him fall just as carefully, and 
 rubs the place on his anatomy which came in contact 
 with the sidewalk just as tenderly and swears just like 
 any other man, dignity or no dignity. 
 
 ' ' A MAN SHOOLD COME TO THE BAB A FULL FLEDGED 
 
 LAWTBE." ........ 30 
 
 On the same principle that you should learn to swim 
 before you go into the water, lest you might drown, 
 or in a lawsuit you might be beaten. A new mem- 
 ber of the bar cannot afford to be defeated, and to 
 avoid it he must do as has been suggested herein; i.e. 
 always take the right side of the case. 
 
 Art. 3, § 3. "Patronizing them." ... 31 
 
 There is nothing that sends the cold chills down a man's 
 back, to be followed with a hot blast that glows and 
 burns over his whole body, so suddenly, as to be ad- 
 dressed by any one, and especially a fellow-lawyer, in 
 a patronizing manner. If there is anything that 
 would drive a lawyer to suicide, or homicide, it would 
 
104 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 be that. And the men who do it, are always the very- 
 ones that you and the community are surprised at as to 
 how they could ever become members of such an ex- 
 clusive fraternity. Theii' manner is enough to loosen 
 a porous plaster, if it is even held on by a bandage. 
 
 " The profession i3 becoming crowded with 
 touno men " . . . . . . . 32 
 
 There are too many young men being bom now-a-days, 
 and some women add insult to injury by becoming 
 mothers to twin boys. There should be a motion or 
 demurrer filed against such conduct. Or there should 
 be more girls piloted to this sinful world. But per- 
 haps that would not help matters much, as our exam- 
 ining committees are becoming so chivalrous that 
 they pass the dear creatures, and they become lawyers 
 as well as wives and mothers, and then lawyers are 
 born — as poets are. 
 
 Art. 3, § 4. "A Christian man and a lawyer " 33 
 
 Yes, and a Sunday-school superintendent, and a 
 deacon ; even a class-leader, and a preacher when the 
 occasion demanded it. I have seen a lawyer pass the 
 hat in church, and while he placed nothing in it, he 
 took nothing out of it. You may say, " verily, truth 
 is stranger than fiction." 
 
 "A BRIEFLESS BARRISTER" A LAWYER WITHOUT A CLIENT 34 
 
 There will be none when lawyers follow the rules of this 
 code. This whole section is the written experience 
 of hundreds of lawyers, and while the author hopes 
 the reader has not passed through all the hardships 
 therein enumerated, he feels sure that you can recall 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 105 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 the names of some of your friends who have " passed 
 under the rod," and he hopes they have at last en- 
 tered a career of prosperity. If not, it is not too 
 late to change their avocation ; let them become poli- 
 ticians and run for office. It would be more exciting, 
 even though more expensive — or for a pawn- 
 broker's office. 
 
 ' ' Young men are prettt much the same to-day . 36 
 As they were when you were a boy. " If there is any 
 difference, they are more so. They ride a bicycle ; 
 you rode a horse — or walked. They go to see the 
 girls ; j'our girls, while you went to see some other fel- 
 low's girls ; that is about the only difference between 
 you. You may have smoked a corn cob pipe ; they 
 smoke cigarettes. Which is preferable? I do not 
 know. That both are vile enough, no one will deny. 
 
 Art. 3, § 5. " Give a young man a chance " . . 37 
 Which sentiment is indorsed by thousands of beauti- 
 ful girls in our land. The old man with his bank ac- 
 count ; the middle aged man with his fame and 
 experience, have been there. They need no chance. 
 You can give them no points. They make-opportuni- 
 ties, grasp them with the girls, and win. 
 
 " If you have a pretty daughter " . . . 37 
 All lawyers who have daughters have pretty ones. They 
 will have none other. They do not care much about 
 their boys, only that they are strong, healthy, smart, 
 and look like their mothers. But their daughters, 
 they must be all that the boys are, with the addition 
 of beauty. Then the old men swear they look like 
 
106 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 their fathers (the egotistical fellows), when they are 
 conceded on all hands to be the homeliest men in the 
 world. 
 " Sufferings of the martyrs " . . . .38 
 
 When Fox wrote his book he never dreamed of such 
 misery as is delineated in this section. There were 
 no lawyers in those da3's. Had there been, there 
 would have been no martyrs. I am sure no lawyer 
 was one. But had there been lawj'ers, then the whole 
 proceeding would have been stopped, or it would 
 have gone on under objection and against protests 
 and injunctions. 80 many motions and demurrers 
 would have been filed that the very flames would have 
 been smothered. There surely were no lawyers and 
 no writs of habeas corpus (although they had the 
 bodies). 
 
 ' ' Of the obligation of the young to the old members 
 of the profession ' ' 
 
 Art. 4, § 1. " Law Latin 39 
 
 Is a snare and a delusion." It is a thing that assumes 
 the form of a language ; but is governed by no rules 
 and has no usage outside of the profession, where it 
 takes a dignified position. The only indications 
 about the nondescript that point to a Latin origin 
 are, the terminations of the words ; which like many 
 other legal tools, end in s. s. The reason whereof 
 no one seems to know or care. 
 
 "A LAWYER IS NO MORE OR LESS A LAWYER BE HE YOUNG 
 
 OR OLD " . . . . . . . .40 
 
 They are made in the same mould, they read the same 
 
lawyer's code of' ethics. 107 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 books, sit in the same chairs and in the same posi- 
 tion ; write the same hand (hardly readable) ; try 
 cases the same way, object, and kick against 
 a proposition to-day then kick for it to-morrow ; 
 on either side, often on both sides. No difference 
 to them. A buadle of inconsistencies, but always 
 claiming to be the most consistent. They look alike, 
 act alike, and are alike in all things except age, and 
 that the young man can overcome in time. 
 
 " Strike BACK AT THEM " ...... 41 
 
 This is the " golden rule " in law practice. It is flght 
 from the time you file your " complaint," until you 
 receive the money on your judgment, divide it with 
 your client and have your part in your pocket. The 
 world hates a coward as much as it does a snarling 
 canine man. So stand up square, and strike from 
 the shoulder, hitting your adversary fairly. Never 
 hit him under the belt, unless you can do it and 
 knock him "clean out." Then in the rush to con- 
 gratulate you on your success, it will be forgotten 
 that you won on a foul. 
 
 Art. 4, § 2. " With your law and eloquence " .41 
 That is what you want ; Law first, last, and all the 
 time. If you have no law, which is sometimes the 
 case, then use your eloquence, of which all lawyers are 
 supposed to have an abundance. If you have none, 
 supply yourself at once. Read all the speeches, ser- 
 mons, lectures and books you can ; commit as much 
 of what you read to memory as you are able to do, 
 but do not try to force a quart of knowledge into a 
 
108 lawyer's code or ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 pint of brain or you will burst. If you take a little 
 from one, and add to it sentences and extracts from 
 others, you can repeat it as your own, and gain a 
 reputation as an eloquent and brilliant extemporane- 
 ous speaker. 
 
 " EaISE A LAUGH AT HIS EXPENSE " . . . .41 
 
 The oration that raises a laugh is often mistaken for "an 
 eloquent address. And when it accomplishes the 
 same end, and is so much easier to do, it is surely as 
 good as eloquence, and does not worry the brain so 
 much. You tell a story ; the audience laughs, the 
 jury smile, think it is eloquence sublime, the case is 
 won, and no one is upset except the old lawyer and 
 his client. 
 
 " Lawyers are loaded as well as guns are " . .42 
 G-uns are loaded with pOwder and shot. Lawyers with 
 gas, and they fire at you wit, pathos, sarcasm, humor, 
 irony, and when their liver is out of order, they shoot 
 billingsgate, venom, wrath, bile, buffoonery, non- 
 sense, and ia extreme cases, oaths and slang. All 
 of which is to be deplored. But it has its effect ; it 
 suits some people, and as there are many people in 
 the world to suit, it follows that there must be many 
 kinds of lawyers. People have no need to complain 
 for want of variety. 
 
 Art. 4, § 3. " Trying a lawsuit is hakd work," . 43 
 So is farming, book-keeping, blacksmithing and all the 
 avocations of life, unless it is preaching ; which is 
 the only real clean, nice, easy trade there is. The 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 109 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 hours are short ; in fact the shorter a minister makes 
 them the more popular he is. Board, good ; being 
 invited out to dine with the rich and liberal members 
 of the flock. Society, principally among the pious 
 women (God bless them) of the congregation. 
 Wages, fair ; usually commodities, with enough cash to 
 buy a book with occasionally. And slippers, dressing 
 gowns, foot rests, book marks, hat marks, neckties, 
 etc., by the gross. Csesar! why do not more law- 
 yers turn to be preachers ? 
 
 " The average lawyer is mean enough to do any- 
 thing " ........ 45 
 
 Thereby proving the old saying that " evil communica- 
 tions corrupt good manners." Lawyers commence 
 all right, and are all right until they come in contact 
 with people who bring and defend lawsuits. Then, the 
 original sin which is in them is developed, and they 
 become the sharp, shrewd, keen sharks you find them. 
 They are a product of a system as old as time it- 
 self. 
 
 Art. 4, § 4. " If you are the proper kind of a young 
 
 man" 45 
 
 (Which your are) ; you come in early at night ; you do 
 not carry a night key ; you do not play poker ; or 
 even drive-whist or progressive euchre. You like fast 
 horses, but despise fast men and women. You ad- 
 mire all good women, and love old people and chil- 
 dren. You can play billiards but dislike the 
 associations. You avoid dramshops and all places 
 
110 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 of low resort; and you love your mother above 
 all else on earth. A very proper young man. 
 
 " YOD DESIRE TO GET ON IN TOUR BUSINESS " . . 46 
 
 It has been the rule for many years for people who had 
 any little 8x10 business, or a mean man to dun for a 
 meaner account ; or a small bill against a hard cus- 
 tomer, to go to some young lawyer, believing that as 
 he was a young man he would only be too happy to 
 take their business. This rule is a bad one and must 
 be broken. A young man should assume as much 
 dignity as an old one, and if you do take their busi- 
 ness, be sure and charge them an old lawyer's fee, 
 or refuse to accept their business at any price. 
 Young tradesmen, young artisans, young laborers, 
 all receive as much and often more than the old men 
 do, and why a young lawyer should be expected to do 
 the same amount of work as an old lawyer, and re- 
 ceive only half as much pay, I can see no reason. 
 There is no justice in it ; before you do it, powder your 
 hair, wear a pair of spectacles, look wise, talk of old 
 times ; wear old-fashioned clothes ; black your boots 
 with stove polish, and pass yourself off for an old man. 
 Then charge double your usual price and see how cheer- 
 fully they will pay it. Every gray hair in your head is 
 worth a hundred dollars, and a bald spot is worth as 
 much more. 
 
 " Being one of the liberal professions " . . 46 
 Lawyers are very liberal, especially in their religious 
 belief, and in the giving of alms. They follow the di- 
 vine injunction in their charitable deeds, that is, " to 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. Ill 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 not let your right hand know what your left hand 
 does," to such an extent that no one ever hears of 
 their beneficence. You never see their names on lists 
 agreeing to pay the sums thereto attached. No, in- 
 deed, they are too smart for that. They give what 
 they feel able to, and tell no one ; their proverbial 
 modesty restrains them. 
 
 Art. 4, § 5. " You will find many old lawyers" . 47 
 And a few young ones, but the old ones seem to do 
 nearly all the business. In order to secure a fair 
 share of the practice, you might take an old lawyer 
 into partnership with yourself. He would jump at 
 the chance no doubt, and insist on giving you at least 
 one-half of the proceeds of the office. 
 
 "Fat retainers" ....... 47 
 
 Did any one ever see a lean retainer? There are fat 
 retainers, and simply retainers ; but lean ones are not 
 tolerated. When a lean one comes into the office, all 
 drawn up with stinginess and parsimoniousness, he is 
 promptly caught by the coat collar and the slack 
 of his trowsers, and tenderly but energetically car- 
 ried out the back door to the rear end of the lot 
 and dropped into the vault, and a disinfectant is 
 sprinkled over him. This heroic treatment has nearly 
 abated the nuisance, and should be continued as long 
 as the chemists can supply agents to out-smell the 
 offensive odor that exudes from the starved carcass of 
 the lean retainer. 
 
 "With A GOOD cigar," etc 47 
 
 And so forth, and etc, , cover a multitude of sins much 
 
112 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 more effectually than charity does. It may mean 
 one thing, and it may mean another ; it more often 
 means another. Of all the indefinite expressions or 
 abbreviations, it is the most unreliable and obscure. 
 In this case it might mean lemonade ; and then it 
 might not. It might mean several things ; such as 
 glasses, hot water, sugar, spoon, etc. Do you ob- 
 serve its utility? If you do not use the word you 
 had better add it to your vocabulary, for it is a very 
 useful little trinket to carry with you. 
 
 "If tou have the tact" ..... 48 
 
 Tact is a word that is synonymous with success. Po- 
 liteness is tact; so is joining church or a secret fra- 
 ternity. Belonging to the dominant political party 
 in your State or county, is tact. Falling in love with 
 a rich girl is tact ; and marryihg her, is the purest 
 and most superb exemplification of tact. Securing a 
 good government .appointment, such as a foreign 
 mission (not a missionary, that is suicide) or a 
 cabinet position, that is tact. Making money means 
 work and application ; keeping it is tact. A man 
 may be eloquent, or rich, or learned, but the success- 
 ful man has tact, which is a jewel in value far above 
 all others. All lawyers possess it ; that is, they think 
 they have it 
 
 "Fob THEr can talk" . ..... 48 
 
 That lawyers talk, is true ; but their talking powers are 
 greatly exaggerated. They pass their leisure time 
 in writing and committing to memory orations on all 
 topics, from great political and scientific subjects, to 
 
lawyer's code op ethics. _ 113 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 little after-dinner speeches. Then when they are 
 called upon to speak, no matter what the occasion, 
 they are ever ready with ai) impromptu effort which 
 is loudly applauded ; and after being carefully cor- 
 rected and padded — appear in the newspapers to the 
 delight of the aforesaid lawyers, who buy up the whole 
 edition and bankrupt themselves in paying postage ; 
 as they send copies to every person who is unfortun- 
 ate enough to be acquainted with them. 
 
 ' ' To HIM TOU OWE EVERYTHING " . . . .48 
 
 While it is c ^nsidered a mean trick to beat a man out of 
 a bill, it is considered a very smart trick to beat a 
 lawyer in any kind of a deal. They pride themselves 
 on their knowledge, and if they would only be con- 
 tent to stick to the law, it would be all right. But 
 did you ever see one who did not tliink he knew all 
 about fast horses, thoroughbred cattle, fine bred 
 sheep, fancy poultry, farming, mechanics, machinery, 
 railroads, canal boats, ships, steamers, and so on 
 through the trades, professions and all the avocations 
 of life ? They will try a case involving a horse trade, 
 and ever afterward plume themselves on their horse 
 sense. They will tie up a canal boat on an attach- 
 ment, and never know bow from stern, and could not 
 tell you if the motive power was steam or jackass. 
 They will replevin a flock of sheep, and not know a 
 wether from a ewe, but can distinguish a buck by his 
 horns ; sell a farm under a foreclosure of mortgage 
 and not know a worm fence from a dung hill. Sell a 
 machine shop on an execution, and not know fixtures 
 
 8 
 
114 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 from chattel property. Force a railroad into the 
 hands of a receiver, and not know rolling stock from 
 depots. Talk about the rights of vessels on the high 
 seas, and not know a coaster f i-om an ocean steamer. 
 If you owe a lawyer, continue to owe him as long as 
 you can. As a rule it will not be for a large amount, 
 I assure you. 
 
 " A RICH ixhbhitance" . . . . .49 
 
 That is what we are all after. But my young friend, 
 the man who earns his own "inheritance" by the 
 " sweat of his brow " and the wag of his tongue in 
 this or any other profession, is the man to be relied on 
 in an emergency. Rich men's shoes sometimes are 
 nearly worn out before you receive them, and when 
 you do step into them, they often do not fit and at 
 best are extremely uncomfortable. They are patched, 
 run down at the heel, smell of grease, and are as di- 
 lapidated as their hats. Wait for no man's old clothes. 
 Earn and wear your own, no matter how common the 
 textut-e and unfashionable the cut. The3'- are new if 
 not becoming, and you feel independent and can face 
 the world as a man of possibilities. Then when the 
 inheritance does come, if ever, you can accept it and 
 turn it over to your wife for pin money. 
 
 Art. .5. § 1. Of the obligation due to the court from 
 the attorneys " ....... 41) 
 
 ' ' He is a great man " . . . . . .49 
 
 All men crave notoriety, court fame, and seek position, 
 and are as happy over a bright new handle to their 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 115 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 names, as a boy is with a freshly painted toy. And 
 when you address a man who has recently cos- 
 tumed himself in the judicial ermine, by the title of 
 "Judge," he rushes up to you, throws his arm 
 around your neck, lays his head on your shoulder and 
 fairly weeps for joj^ Colonel and Major sink into 
 insignificance. For an every-dajr handle one that is 
 easy to remember and pronounce, none is as good as 
 the word "Judge." It certainly is an improvement 
 on " Hey, there, you fellow!" and such barbarisms. 
 
 " A POOE, MISERABLE PETTIFOGGER" . . . . .50 
 
 Some people use the word pettifogger as synonymous 
 with the word lawyer. This is a foolish blunder, and 
 only exposes their ignorance. Old lawyers never pet- 
 tifog: only young ones resort to it. Rich lawyers 
 never pettifog; only poor ones do it ^- and young 
 ones and poor ones are not lawyers. They may have 
 signs, and offices, and books, and even clients and 
 diplomas, but they are not lawyers iu the real sense 
 of the word. A lawyer cau pettifog; but a pettifog- 
 ger can never be a lawyer. A distinction without a 
 difference? You will find many such in the books 
 and reports. 
 
 " Goddess of justice " , .... 50 
 
 You poor, deluded old girl ! With your eyes bandaged 
 you cannot see how dilapidated and forlorn you look. 
 A person who did not know you to be the virtuous 
 young thing you are, would, to judge from your 
 clothes and your whole general appearance, take you 
 to be the rippingest old rip that evei- perambulated 
 
116 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 the high-ways and by-ways of the world, after dark, 
 seeking whom you might devour. You should tear 
 the rag from your eyes and wear glasses — change 
 the cut of your gown, wear modern clothes, brace up, 
 change your associations and be in appearance and 
 in the company you keep, what you represent your- 
 self to be — a decent woman. Appearances -have 
 much to do "nowadays" with a person's admissi- 
 bility into good society. From your origin, and the 
 sacred temple you are presumed to preside over, the 
 world has reason to expect much from you. But 
 going it blind, and seeing by sun light or electric 
 light are two different things. It seems as though 
 you had better see more, and trust less to hearsay 
 evidence. 
 
 " Justice of the peace " . . . . . 50 
 
 The Bombastes Furioso of the operatic extravaganza of 
 the court with a docket and without a seal. The man 
 who, without education, either legal or classical, col- 
 lege or common school, sits with more dignity than 
 the whole Supreme Bench, and expounds the law and 
 gospel (often more gospel than law, and but little of 
 either), at a dollar a day, and clerk's fees for filing 
 papers, swearing witnesses and performing minor 
 duties ; whose court room is a school house or his 
 wife's sitting room, whose bench is a store box or his 
 daughter's sewing table, who swears the witnesses on 
 Baxter's Saints Rest, and locks the jury up in the 
 smoke house, who settles all the disputes in the 
 neighborhood, and drops the title of deacon for that of 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 117 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 squire, who knows more law with his eyes shut than 
 the men who make them, and can dispose of all ques- 
 tions, if the Supreme Court has passed on them or 
 not, who draws all sorts of legal documents for the 
 cost of the blanks, and throws in a wagon load of ad- 
 vice for nothing, who controls the politics of his town- 
 ship, and is always foreman of the jury at the county 
 court, who devils all the lawyers he knows by ask- 
 ing them tough legal questions, and derives all his 
 knowledge from a book called ' ' Every Man His Own 
 Lawyer ; " who is as stubborn as a mule and calls it 
 determination, who is in love with his superior judg- 
 ment, and wonders why he is not nominated for Con- 
 gress, who does consent after much importunity to 
 run for coroner, and is surprised when he is defeated, 
 then changes his politics to disrupt his party ; and is 
 chagrined to death to see it win at the next election 
 by an increased majority. 
 
 " YOUB HONOK " 50 
 
 Merely a title: often misused, or used sarcastically. 
 Used by lawyers when addressing the judge or a 
 magistrate. Takes the place of " Mr." or " Hello," 
 "Hey! " "Here! " "You! " "Say!" "Sonnie!" 
 "Boss," " Old Hoss," "Look here," "Captain," 
 " Judge," " Squire," or the first name of the indi- 
 vidual who presides over the destinies of a lawsuit. 
 
 "Judge" 50 
 
 An abbreviation of the words " Legal Encyclopedia," or 
 "Law Dictionary," or Universal Digest of all the Re- 
 ports and Decisions of all the Courts, Federal, State, 
 
118 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Supreme, Superior, Appeals, Circuit, District, 
 Common Pleas, and Magistrates, all contained in 
 one volume, and bound iu calf. 
 
 "If the coi^RT please" ...... 50 
 
 Or if he does not please, bang away at any rate. He is 
 paid by the tax-ridden people to attend to business, 
 and while the term, "If the court please," sounds 
 very elegant and mellow, nice enough language for a 
 drawing room, there is no use in wasting time or 
 politeness on a judge. 
 
 Ar.t. 5, § 2. Lawyers, AS a class are tired . . .51 
 
 Worn out with the troubles of other people, they never 
 have any of their own. After resting all day Sunday 
 he will arise early IMonday morning, take a bath 
 (some lawyers take one every morning), eat a hearty 
 breakfast, and walk briskly to his office. He will not 
 ride, feels too strong and has too much energy to 
 ride. Could jump over a ten-bar gate, and can 
 hardly keep from turning a hand-spring then and 
 there. He reaches his office to find the morning mail 
 has brought him a peck of letters to read and answer, 
 which he at once attends to. He is prompt, cannot 
 help it, especially in the morning ; full of blood and 
 good food. After this, clients come in, and not 
 being satisfied with telling him about their wrongs, 
 for which they want legal redr^^^ss, they tell him all 
 about themselves, commencing at birth and giving a 
 full family history up to date. If it is a woman, she 
 tells him everything she should tell her family physi- 
 cian. If a man, he tells him that which he should 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 119 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 tell his priest, if he be a Catholic ; or should not tell 
 any one, if he is a Protestant. To all, he gives an atten- 
 tion worthy better people, and as soon as he can 
 politely, bows them out the door. 
 Then there are papers to draw or dictate ; court is in 
 session and his cases have all come in a bunch, and 
 must be tried or continued. He rushes to the court 
 room, and presently is rushed back to the office. So 
 it goes all day. He may take time to run out, 
 snatch a lunch, or bolt a sandwich, and take a few 
 drinks with clients. When evening comes, he is 
 completely played out. He has only enough energy 
 left to call the office boy or a clerk, and tell him to 
 order a dray. He is helped on, and carried home like 
 a piece of merchandise — ^ a worn out, worked out, 
 tired lawj'er. Thus it goes on from day to day. No 
 respite, only on Sunday ; no final rest only in holding 
 office ; no pleasure, only in fat retainers. 
 
 AbT. .5, § 2. " A COUNTRY SCHOOLMASTEE " . . .51 
 
 In the course of time becomes a country judge. Some- 
 times a legislature, for the good of the dominant 
 political party arranges the judicial districts in such 
 shape that a man from a rural county becomes judge, 
 and there is a city in his district for which he starts 
 to hold court. Then it is that the vanity of his youth 
 breaks out afresh, and is evidenced in every move- 
 ment he makes. His old broadcloth wedding suit, 
 which he only wore on Sundays heretofore, with its 
 coat with tight sleeves and broad collar and lappels ; 
 satin vest with rolling collar and cut low ; pantaloons 
 
120 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 wide and short — is resurrected, examined and pro- 
 nounced too old-fashioned. The village store is vis ■ 
 ited, and a suit of ready-made clothes is bought, into 
 which our old friend is encased. The wrinkles in his 
 face are only outwrinkled by those in his new suit. 
 As plug hats are not obtainable where he lives, his old 
 silk hat is brought forth, thoroughly wet with water, 
 and holding it near a hot fire he rubs it with a silk 
 handkerchief until it shines as though it had been 
 dipped in oil. His boots are new, and made with a 
 squeak in them. His shirts are home-made, buttoned 
 down in front with large bone or agate buttons ; col- 
 lar fastened to the shirt and too large — the largeness 
 reduced to the proper size by a long, three-cornered 
 black silk handkerchiefj which is folded and tied 
 around his neck in a sailor's knot, with ends flying 
 rakishly in the breeze. He shaves himself, and con- 
 sequently his face is red and full of scars where he has 
 missed cutting his throat by a hair. His hair is 
 parted on one side, a little above his ear, and the long 
 ends carefully carried up over the top of his head and 
 artistically made to cover a bald place. He leaves 
 little tufts of beard grow near his ears to help out the 
 hair crop due on his head. He also has a fringy 
 beard under his chin on his neck from ear to ear ; es- 
 pecially is it so if he is of Irish or English descent. 
 He leaves the old hair trunk and carpet sack at home, 
 and travels with more modern luggage. He will per- 
 sist in carrying with him an old blue or green cotton 
 umbrella. An air of newness pervades his whole 
 outfit. And when he walks into court he creates as 
 
lawyer's code op ethics. 121 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 much of a sensation as a city belle does among her 
 country cousins. And at the hotel and on the street 
 he is as prominent as the extremest dude in town. 
 
 Aet. 5, § 2. "He is deteemined to keep good oedee " 52 
 Some judges are more careful to keep good order than 
 they are in bracing up their decisions with good law. 
 Order must be preserved at any cost ; and instead of 
 paying attention to the arguments of the learned 
 counsel, he is devoting all his time to watching other 
 lawyers, the spectators and any other strange dog 
 that may have followed a lean member of the bar into 
 court mistaking him for an animated bone. And 
 when he has accomplished the herculean feat of 
 producing silence that can be felt to such an 
 extent that you must pinch yourself to be sure that 
 you are alive, he thinks his mission fulfilled and his 
 salary earned, and his countenance assumes that be- 
 nign expression of contentment only appreciated by ' 
 others as wise and good as he is. 
 
 " Fined FOE CONTEMPT OF couET " . . . .52 
 What constitutes contempt, is a conundrum that no 
 lawyer has ever been able to answer. It is a ques- 
 tion for the judge to decide. If his digestion is 
 good, and his food properly assimilated ; if his liver 
 is active and performs the functions that all livers are 
 presumed to attend to ; and if his supply of tobacco 
 has not all been consumed, then there is no such thing 
 as contempt of court. But if the contrary state of 
 facts exist, then, brother, anything and everything is 
 contempt. And you are liable to be fined for asking 
 
122 lawyer's code op ethics. 
 
 the most important or trivial leave, or order, or for 
 making any kind of a motion. A real live judge 
 witii a good stout hiclsory club, would be 'an accept- 
 able innovation. One that would be cordially re- 
 ceived by the profession, and an improvement on 
 one whose only desire seems to be to keep such order 
 that a pin dropping would startle a sleeping jury out 
 of their wits. 
 
 Art. 5, § .3. " Patiently listens to tour eloquence" 53 
 Eloquence has become so common in these degenerate 
 days, that to draw a crowd or receive any countenance 
 whatever, a man must be prominent as a statesman, 
 politician, atheist, infidel, divine, scientist, humorist, 
 or anarchist, then he is eloquent, and some of them 
 can draw immense audiences and command attention 
 in addition to 85 per cent of the gross receipts at the 
 door or gate, and royalty on the sale of their pictures 
 and autographs, with exclusive right to sell fans and 
 lemonade if it is an orthodox meeting, while you 
 with your eloquence will drive every lawyer and 
 lounger out of the court room ; the court officers will 
 hide themselves behind pillars and screens, and the 
 judge, who cannot run, sits and listens to your re- 
 hash of all the speeches you committed to memorj' 
 when you were a school-boy — mixed with orations 
 of great men from the time of Judas Iscariot down 
 to the days of Herr Most. Happy lawyer ! Miser- 
 able judge! You ought to be obliged to him. 
 
 "Judges are men" . ..... 53 
 
 Notwithstanding the fact that lawyers frequently say 
 that they are old women. He drums on the bench with 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 123 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 his fingers, crosses his legs and swings one incessantly 
 like a pendulum of a clock ; rocks back and forth 
 in a rockless chair, folds his hands and plays with 
 his thumbs because he is absent-minded. Bad law- 
 yers, who expect to die young, and never had any 
 father, or mother, or relatives, call him an " old 
 granny." But nice, good lawyers, who go to Sunday- 
 school and to carap-meetiugs, and flirt with the lady 
 teachers and sisters, they say he is in his dotage. 
 
 " Mutual ADMIRATION SOCIETY " .... 54 
 From time immemorial, the rule of " you tickle me and 
 I'll tickle you," has prevailed. This expression is a 
 vulgar one in the extreme, and has been replaced by 
 the more elegant one of " mutual admiration society," 
 which expresses the same sentiment clothed in more 
 refined language. Where this rule is observed be- 
 tween a judge and lawyer, it is pleasing to the former's 
 vanitjr and remunerative to the latter's pocket. Im- 
 pecunious attorneys find the observance of this rule 
 very profitable. 
 
 Art. 5, § 4. " Ask hi.m to resign " ... 5.5 
 
 At any rate sign the petition when it is presented to yon 
 by brother lawyers, then when your better nature 
 prevails, you can ask the honorable committee to allow 
 you to erase your name, which they will not do. 
 They may permit you to draw a few inli-lines across 
 its face, but it will stare you out of countenance be- 
 tween the bars. 
 
 " What is a court without lawteks? " . . .55 
 A king without a throne ; a man without a country ; a 
 
124 lawyer's codk of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 woman without a lover ; a circus without a clown. 
 A court without lawyers ! You might as well attempt 
 to run a locomotive without steam ; a balloon with- 
 out gas; a cyclone without wind, or a hanging with- 
 out a dull thud. The judge may be the high ' ' Muckey 
 Muck " of a court, but the show cannot go on with- 
 out lawyers. No one cares to remain in court to 
 hear a judge or even a full bench deliver opinions, 
 while the busiest man in town will leave the most in- 
 portant job and hurry to the court to hear the lawyers 
 try a bastardy case. And in such instances bald- 
 headed men and deacons occupy the front seats, 
 but the small boy is bounced. 
 
 Art, 5, § 4. " If he is a crank " . . . . .56 
 
 A crank is an eccentric. We are all more or less eccen- 
 tric. Then, when judges are selected from among us, 
 do j^ou wonder that a crank becomes a judge? Again, 
 association affects us all. A man is elected judge. 
 He comes in contact with us cranks ; then are you 
 surprised when he becomes one of us? A crank is a 
 fanatic. A fanatic is an extremist. Any man who 
 is in advance of his day and generation, is an extrem- 
 ist. Progression is to advance, then progression is 
 fanaticism, and fanaticism is crankism. Conclusion, 
 progression is a crank. Further conclusion. Pro- 
 gression is business, then business is crankism. The 
 writer is a crank. Are you crank enough to observe 
 it? Answer: "I am." 
 
 Art. 5, § 5. " A kind-hearted gentleman " . 56 
 
 Of. course you are. All lawyers are. You could not be 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 125 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 otherwise. Your mother's love, which is as immeas- 
 urable as eternity ; your sister's affection, which is 
 for you as pure as an angel's ; your wife's love and 
 admiration for you, which is unbounded; our chil- 
 dren's love and faith, which in you can never be 
 shaken, your happy home, your kind neighbors, 
 all your surroundings combine to make you a kind- 
 hearted gentleman. The " dignity of your calling ;" 
 the respect your education, culture, and pride forces 
 from the people ; your honor, integrity ; everjrthing 
 makes you the personification of goodness, and a 
 good man cannot help but have in him a heart full to 
 overflowing with kindness and good will to all of God's 
 creatures. No one ever appeals to him in vain ; his 
 hand is ever in his pocket, and he keeps it there. 
 
 " Men WHO ARE EQUAL TO ALL OCCASIONS " ' . 57 
 
 If lawyers are not, then no class of men are. There is 
 no mission too important for them to undertake and 
 carry through. No responsibility that they will not 
 assume — if there is money or fame in it. No enter- 
 prise that they will not back, provided always they are 
 in on the ground floor. No cause, no matter how des- 
 perate, that they will not champion, if the fee is ade- 
 quate to the risk, and is forthcoming. " They fight 
 for gold, not for love." But when love and gold are 
 both enlisted, the incentive is so great that they be- 
 come heroes. 
 
 " Lawyer, LIKE YOURSELF " 58 
 
 He once had no more prospects of success than you 
 have. He was full of dreams of wealth and fame in 
 
126 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 the future. For where is there one of us who does 
 not expect to be a judge sometime? And when out 
 in the woods, or on the ocean, far from the habita- 
 tions of those who dwell where no one can hear except 
 mother nature (who no doubt often smiles at our fol- 
 lies), calls out in a loud voice his own name, prefixing 
 the word judge in this wise: "Judge Blanli, Judge 
 Blank, come into court! " Then shakes hands with 
 himself, and congratulates himself on the music in 
 his own name with the handle " judge " on it. 
 
 Art. 6, § 1. "The duties op the coukt to attor- 
 neys "... .... 58 
 
 " Honorable men " . . 58 
 
 Most honorable men ! "Who ever heard of a lawyer dj- 
 ing anything dishonorable? Some are accused of 
 " selling out their clients." The accusers patronize 
 them. They say "lawyers resort to all kinds of 
 trickery to win their cases." They employ them. 
 Lawyers do the honors of j'our towns when you have 
 any " blow outs." United States Presidents, Sena- 
 tors, Judges, Congressmen, Foreign Ministers and 
 Governors are as a rule, lawyers, and all really 
 elevated positions are filled, by them, while such 
 places as alderman, squire, and minor offices are 
 filled by the "rag-tag and bobtail" of creation. 
 And even among this crew there are a dozen lawyers 
 to one respectable citizen. If you do not believe 
 they are honorable men, ask them, and see. 
 
 "Let them abuse each other " .... 59 
 An edifying sight, something lilie a family quarrel. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 127 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 Like a row between a husband and wife. When an 
 outsider interferes, no matter though the husband is 
 being most beautifully licked by the one who rules 
 the world ; then the fight assumes another attitude 
 entirely. The former contending forces are at once 
 consolidated, and move together upon the uommon 
 enemy, and the peacemaker either beats a hasty re- 
 treat or is unmercifully " whaled," for his kindness 
 in attempting to protect a poor brother from the nails 
 and wrath of an irate individual of whom the poets 
 rave, and write verses about her hair, eyes, mouth, 
 dimples, voice, form and beauty, but forget to say that 
 she scatches— and pinches. Same way with lawyers. 
 Better let them fight it out. If you do, as soon as 
 they have exhausted their fund of slang, smut, and 
 mild cuss words, they will leave the court room and 
 make it up at some friendlj^ bar near by, the mixer of 
 drinks acting in the capacity of peacemaker. This al- 
 ways mystifies the public. How can lawyers say 
 such mean things to and about each other during a 
 ti-ial, and then make up and forget it? Because they 
 are Christians, my dear. 
 
 " 1 AM NOT CLEAR 3IYSELF ON THIS POINT " . . .59 
 
 This is a bad break for a lawyer to make. As they are 
 supposed to be clear on all points. But as this is the 
 only instance to be found in this book in which the 
 author is not as clear as mud, he craves your indul- 
 gence. 
 
 " A JUST RETRIBUTION " ...... 60 
 
 The author of events seems to have made a rule of com- 
 
128 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 pensation aad retribution. The statute of limitations 
 runs not against the man who works and patiently 
 bides his time. To him, compensation comes. It 
 may come when he is old and worn out, and ready to 
 leave the known present for the unknown future ; 
 but come it does ; and brings with it joy enough to 
 fully repay him for all his years of weary waiting. 
 On the other hand, retribution comes as surely, and 
 is as cruel and relentless as death. The longer the 
 delay, the more terrible it is when it does come. 
 Lawyers are so fully compensated, that retribution 
 avoids them and catches the other fellow. 
 
 Art. 6, § 2. " Railroad passes " . . . .60 
 The height of human happiness seems to be to beat a 
 railroad company. The public generally, when it 
 travels, pays full fare. Preachers pay half fare, 
 travel on a child's ticket when they can satisfy the 
 agent that they are strictly orthodox ; and then oc- 
 cupy more seats with their families, baggage, and 
 their own reverend bodies, than does a theatrical 
 company with its scenery, brass band, orchestra, Si- 
 berian blood-hounds. Uncle Ned, Eva, Sea, Thunder, 
 etc. Tramps beat their way in the good old highway- 
 man manner, and ride on the platforms and bumpers 
 of the cars. Judges play the refined confidence game, 
 and ride in palace cars on passes. Why the com- 
 pany's officials make a distinction in favor of one 
 class of beats, as against another class, is beyond 
 the comprehension of the stockholders. No one 
 would dare charge a judge with being bought with a 
 
LA^^•YER'f< CODE OF ETH1C8. 129 
 
 PAUE. 
 
 railroad pass. If aldermen can be bought for $20,- 
 000 apiece, how much would it take to buy a judge? 
 Surel^', more than a free ride on a railroad. Still, 
 the railroads know the value of a pass in a " judge's 
 pocket " when thej^ are in litigation. 
 
 " LaWYEES AKE II AKD TO PLEASE " . . . .60 
 
 That is the reason why the j'oung ones have such lovely 
 sweethearts ; the old ones such pretty wives. It is 
 the reason why thej- wear such nice clothes ; drive 
 fast horses ; live in good houses and eat the best the 
 market affords (even though- it is all done on credit). 
 Being hard to please, they will have everything first- 
 class. You cannot palm any second-handed goods 
 off on them. Unless it would be a real nice, dear, 
 vivacious, fascinating (thej^ are all fascinating), rich 
 widow. Young, voluptuous widow ; and rich, mind 
 you. Then — Well, even then, it would need be A'ery 
 fashionable and strictly first-class. But then there are 
 blind lawj^ers. 
 
 "A SMART LAWYER " . . , ... 61 
 
 Did you ever see a lawyer who was not smart. Is 
 there one, even a pettifogger, who has not some 
 friend who stands on the street corner, and in season 
 and out of season expatiates on the smartness and 
 ability of his particular attorney? The maniS poor, 
 indeed, who has no friend who has faith in his profes- 
 sional skill and integrity. 
 
 Art. 6, § 3. "Attempt to correct the personal 
 
 HABITS OF lawyers " . . • . • .61 
 
 You cannot do it. You might as well attempt to cor- 
 
130 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 rect 3^oui- own. While they are not stubborn, thejr 
 will have their own waj-. They have such an insinu- 
 ating way about them, that they convince j'ou against 
 your will and better judgment. They take you into 
 a dark hole and out of it before you know it ; and 
 when you become accustomed to the bright light and 
 look about you, the advocate and hole are both gone. 
 Whether he pocketed the hole and disappeared, or 
 crawled into it and pulled it in after him, is a mja- 
 tery and will always remain one ; but he has the 
 retainer, or he would not have gone. 
 
 " Why SHOULD THE COURT KICK? " .... Ii2 
 
 Because he was once a lawyer, and carries the ear-marks 
 with him on to the bench. Doctors never like to take 
 their own medicine, neither do lawyers. A -farmer 
 when he sells his products, never can sell them high 
 enough ; when a crop fails, and he must buy, then he 
 cannot purchase low enough. Lawyers are the same 
 way. " Your Honor " kicked as a lawyer ; he kicks 
 as a judge. He will kick as a corpse, and kick like 
 the dickens when he is an angel. If in one place, 
 because it is too hot ; if in another place, because he 
 is so lonely. He will come back to this earth if for 
 no other purpose than to haunt juries that disagree, 
 if he can escape on any technicality in the mitti- 
 mus. 
 
 " His honor's honesty" ...... fii 
 
 Is above reproach. And well it should be. It is deplor- 
 able, the dishonesty to be found in high places both 
 private and public, but when the judicial ermine is 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 131 
 
 trailed in the slime and flltli of politics or fraud, then 
 can a nation pack its grip-sack and prepare to emi- 
 grate. You need have no fear to trust a judge ; pro- 
 vided you use the ordinary precaution of a business 
 man as to security or pledge. 
 
 Art. 6, § 1. "A judge has no eight to oiutkise " . G2 
 The lawj-ers or their methods. You may not like a 
 man ; you need not tell him so ; he may hate j'ou as 
 cordiallj' ; then you are even. Life is too short and 
 the future too uncertain for men to bang away at each 
 other here about their peculiarities. But some people 
 are never so happy as when making sly insinuations 
 about others. It is a weakness that is not becoming. 
 If a judge does not like a laywer, he should have 
 him hanged or disbarred — one amounts to the same 
 thing as the other. 
 
 ■■Full OF LOV^E FOR THE HUMAN FAMILY " . . fio 
 
 Because they make their bread and butter off of the 
 frailties and meanness of the same family. Ingrati- 
 tude is a base sin, and the lawyer, who after winning 
 wealth and honors from poor, weak humanity, would 
 fail to lavish his love on, at least, one or two members 
 of the aforesaid human family, is an ingrate. Doctors 
 and preachers love certain members of this family 
 same as lawyers do. Seems to run with the profes- 
 sions. 
 
 AkT. 6, § 5. " To WEAR CLOTHES " . . . .04 
 
 Persons visiting Washington City, among other sights 
 take in the United States Supreme Court — and per- 
 
132 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PA(!E. 
 
 haps never again enter any other court-room. Because 
 the judges there wear night-gowns in daj'time, these 
 same persons think all lawyers wear gowns. If they 
 do, they have sense enough not to wear them in public. 
 But law3''ers do wear clothes like other men ; the only 
 difference being, other men pay for their own and 
 the lawyer's, too. This is a case where a suit comes 
 out of a suit. A suit at law followed hy a suit of 
 clothes. 
 
 "A L.vwvm: lolmcs \vi;ix i\ axv kixi> of \\'e\ring ap- 
 parel " ....... G") 
 
 Strange, but ti'ue. He is such a good fellow, and can 
 make himself so thoroughlj^ at home in any company, 
 that his raiment is never noticed. It is dlearlj^ a 
 case of superiority of mind over clothes ; sometimes 
 old clothes. In following the thread of his argument, 
 you do not observe the cut of his coat or look to see 
 if his pantloous bag at the knee or in the seat. 
 
 " LAWrEU-i ARE QOICK TO CATCH ON' " . . Oil 
 
 And to hold on are as tenacious as they are quick to 
 catch on. They never stop to spit on their hands to 
 take a better grip. All of which you will observe, 
 should }'0U ever fall into their hands. But when 
 they drop you, they drop you hard. 
 
 "Advice to the profession (generally" , . V,C, 
 
 Art. 7, § 1. " L.vwrEiis should cultivate eccentrici- 
 ties " . . . . .... GO 
 
 Tliis is the burden of my song. For this my book was 
 written. As a rule they try to make people believe 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 133 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 that they are so well balanced that they avoid all the 
 nice little oddities that make men disagreeable and 
 offensive to strangers, but which endear them to 
 their families and friends. 
 
 ij 1. " You JIUST CI:LTIVATE a bearing AXD CHAKAt'TER " 07 
 
 Be models for fond parents to point to as examples for 
 their boys to follow. If you are not models, the fond 
 parents will point to you all the same, and advise their 
 sons not to follow in your footsteps. But alas ! for 
 the perverseness of mankind. The boys would 
 rather follow in j^onr footsteps than to follow your 
 precepts. 
 
 § 1. " Helps the book publishers" . . (17 
 
 In this world we should help each other, and the law- 
 book publishers deserve your help financially more 
 than an}'' other class of men. They send }^ou nice 
 circulars full of good advice, as to how and when 
 and where to buy your books, and offer you a liberal 
 discount for cash. They send around every few 
 months a nice, sleek, smooth-tongued, well-dressed 
 young man as their agent, who calls on you, praises 
 your office, your location and yourself, and is so 
 pleasant and affable that before you are fully aware 
 of j'our danger, he has taken your order for a com- 
 plete set of all the late editions of Text-books, Re- 
 jDorts, Journals, and your note due in 60 days, with 
 approved security.' After he leaves, you go into your 
 private room, lock the door, hang a towel over the key 
 hole, kneel down, and with a contrite heart, solemn 
 visage and a clinched hand, say that you hope to be 
 
134 LA^yYEK's code of ethics. 
 
 tage. 
 forgiven this time, but maj- 3-ou be — if you ever do 
 it again, and swear 3'ou will pulverize the next law- 
 book agent who crosses your threshold. But he 
 comes all the same, and when you see his smiling 
 countenance and hear his dulcet voice saying, " Good 
 morning, Judge" (they always call j'ou Judge), 
 your resolution is as that which never was, and you 
 do the same trick over again. You buy more books, 
 and trade your old ones in for later editions, and j'ou 
 part from the agent as though he was a bosom friend. 
 And why all this showing of affection? Because he 
 was a book agent? Because ho was so very pleasant? 
 Or was it because lie called j'ou Judge? " 
 
 § 2. ''It :\rAKj;s theji think Yi.ir are doinij a large 
 
 business" ... .... 07 
 
 And that is half the battle. When the world thinks you 
 are successful, then j^ou have the world groveling at 
 your feet. Then you have credit, and it helps you 
 stave off j'our creditors. When you have the credit, 
 buy all you can ; then sell out to your wife all your 
 desirable property, make an assignment, and you are 
 on deck again. 
 
 § 2. " BoiiKOw" 67 
 
 Do not be above your business, but borrow from your 
 brother attorneys ; books, blanks, postage stamps, 
 paper, coal, money, anything and everything. I 
 heard of a lawyer who ran away with another law- 
 yer's wife. I do not beUeve it. It is unprofessional. 
 But borrowing is not. 
 
LAWYER S CODE OF ETHICS. 135 
 
 § '2. " ^YHEX YOU DO ANY BUSINESS, BE SUKE TO LET 
 
 EVERY ONE KNOW ABOUT IT " 68 
 
 There is method in this madness. Patent medicine 
 men pay out thousands of dollars annually, to let the 
 world know that they can cure all the ills that flesh is 
 heir to. Take your cue from them, and let the world 
 know that you are willing to share with any of them 
 the monejf they fall heir to. 
 
 § 2. " There are a fem' veky jiodest men in the pro- 
 fession " CS 
 
 This proposition will not be pressed a;ny further, as I 
 am very sensitive on the subject. 
 
 § 2. " And one oe two very great men " . . .68 
 Two that I know of; you, and — -but modesty restrains 
 me from saying who the other one is. 
 
 § 3. "It is a master-stroke of policy" . . .69 
 To hear a lawyer tell it, everything he does is a master- 
 effort. To hear the other lawyer tell of it, it was 
 very commonplace to say the most of it, and to tell 
 the truth was decidedly flat. 
 
 § 3. "If the prisoner has no wife, babies or fe:\ialb 
 
 relatives " . . . . . . . .70 
 
 He certainly has many female friends. The attention 
 that women now shower upon a criminal has taken 
 away the dread of punishment. And men who have 
 failed to receive from society that recognition which 
 they think they deserve, commit atrocious crimes ; 
 the more bloody and diabolical the better it is for 
 their purpose, and although arrested and imprisoned, 
 they feel fully compensated for any risk they run of 
 
13fi lawver's couk or ethics. 
 
 punishment for their misdeeds, by the notoriety 
 given them by the newspapers and the favor they find 
 in the eyes of women, or ladies, as they call them. 
 Woman, verily thou art a myster}^.' 
 
 § 3. "You AltE XOT REQUIRED BT THIS CODE TO BE A 
 
 Chesterfield" ...... 
 
 Which can be plainly seen by reading it. That some 
 men are graceful, elegant in their manners, polite and 
 attractive, is true. That some men are awkward, 
 rough, boorish and rude, is true. That both kinds 
 make impressions on those with whom they come in 
 contact, is also true. That lawyers are of the first 
 class is — of course it is. 
 
 §4. " And CHARGE him accokdixgly " 
 
 Accordingly, charge him enough, and collect it. To 
 charge is one thing ; to collect is another. To 
 charge and not collect means bankruptcy. To charge 
 and collect means wealth ; wealth means happiness. 
 
 § 4. " And h.u'e read all the text-books " 
 Do you know a lawyer who has not read all the text- 
 books (and even written some), all the reports, and 
 who is not a subscriber to all the law journals? 
 
 §5. " They WERE CALLED r.EPKllS " .... 
 
 Which was a disease of the body and its terrible effects 
 have l)een portrayed in both poetiy and prose for 
 ages. 
 
 §5. " Now THEY ARE CALLED AXARCHISTS " 
 
 A disease of the mind, in which the patient is under the 
 delusion that the world owes him a living without any 
 
LAWYER S CODK OF ETHICS. 137 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 effort on his part to collect the debt from mother 
 Earth. Not receiving the debt as promptly and as 
 liberallj^ as he thinks he should, lie attempts to force 
 collection by throwing dynamite bombs among the 
 noble army of "Bread Winners." The terrible ef- 
 fects of this disease have been portrayed in the news- 
 papers and court reports of this age. 
 
 § 5. "FOEEIGX STYMCS AND FASHIONS AltK ADOPTED AND 
 
 IMPROVED Ul'ON " . . . . . .73 
 
 So are foreign people who are Americanized, raise a 
 familj^ which family runs our elections, fills our 
 offices, become good citizens and abhor anarchism as 
 much as do the descendants of Pocahontas and Cap- 
 tain John Smith or any other American family. 
 
 §5. " Hangman's Noose " .... 
 
 A very necessary implement to enforce the judgment of. 
 the courts. Used indiscriminately in some sections 
 of the country, under the orders of the notorious 
 " Judge Lynch." But when backed up by the au- 
 thority of the courts and handled by an expert, it 
 becomes one of the most powerful agencies to prevent 
 the discharge of fire-arms, the explosion of dynamite 
 bombs, the throwing of acids, the use of poisons for 
 felonious purposes, and helps to maintain the doc- 
 trine of civil liberty. It acts as a prop to civiliza- 
 tion, and should the wheel of progression slip a cog, 
 prevents the machine from breaking down entirely. 
 It costs much less than prisons, and makes no noise 
 except a " dull thud." 
 
 /.) 
 
138 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 § 6. " It Its A DUTY YOU OWE TO YOURSELF AND TO THE 
 
 PUBLIC " . . . . . . . .73 
 
 Before j'oii look out for the interests of the public, take 
 care of yourself — a duty which lawyers so often for- 
 get in their zeal for th« public welfare. 
 
 § 6. "Abuse en'eky other member of the bak " . 74 
 Lawj^ers never do this. Why they refrain from it and 
 treat each other so courteously, I never could dis- 
 cover. 
 
 § 6. "You JIAY LOSE THE GOOD OPINION OF THE OTHER 
 
 LAWYERS " . . . . . . . .74 
 
 Suppose you do. Have you lost much? Does the 
 opinion that the other lawyers have of you effect you 
 or j'our business? Scarcely'. 
 
 §7. " Do NOT RETURN- BORROWED BOOKS " . . .74 
 
 Because the man who lends them to you has no need of 
 them, or he has plenty more. This must be so, or he 
 could not or would not have loaned them. It is not 
 lawyer-like to return anything, and is not expected of 
 j^ou ; trj' it some day. Go to the clerk's office and 
 borrow a lead pencil, and when j^ou are through with 
 it, return it. Do you know what will happen? You 
 will be in the hands of an officer before you know it. 
 The clerk will think you are an escaped lunatic. Or 
 return a book, clean and in as good condition as it 
 was when you received it from a member of the pro- 
 fession. The consequence will be, that you will be 
 disbarred for breaking an old precedent. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 139 
 
 PAGK. 
 § 7. "At FHIST YOU M'ILL FEEL ASHAJIED OF YOUR 
 
 CONDUCT " . . . . . . . .75 
 
 As you were wheu a boy at things you did or said. But 
 that feeling soon passes away, and you will not feel 
 ashamed of anything, not even your humble origin or 
 present associations ...... 75 
 
 § 8. A SHYSTER WAS SURELY A MERE " THIXCI " . .75 
 
 Even " things " sometimes become lawyers. How, I do 
 not know. Do you know? Does your neighbor 
 know? Does any one know? No one seems to know 
 when, where or with whom they read law. Or if 
 they did read, no one can tell how under the sun they 
 ever passed the rigid examination which we all know 
 they must pass, or be forever barred from enjoying 
 the distinction of being called a lawyer. But they do 
 l^ass, and hang out signs, open offices, wait for clients. 
 Gracious! how they do wait. The government finally 
 utilizes them by giving them some minor appointment, 
 or a clerkship. A serious loss to the profession. 
 
 §9. " Do NOT BECOME A LITERARY HACK " . . .76 
 
 A hack is a good thing to ride in. A line of hacks is a 
 profitable investment But to be a " hack ' ' is quite 
 another affair. Then, a literary hack is ordinarily 
 not a new one ; on the contrary, the wheels are dished, 
 tires loose, glass cracked, upholstery faded and moth- 
 eaten, paint worn off, varnish completely obliterated. 
 No, sir! rather than be such a hack, become a hack 
 driver. 
 
140 lawyer's code of i:THrcs. 
 
 PAGE. 
 § 10. "BeC(i:ME V JOUltXALIST " . . . . . ~ll 
 
 Then you can pitch into people to your heart's content. 
 You can mould public opinion, select candidates for 
 all public places, make appointments for the Presi- 
 dent and Governors, control Congress, boss all legisla- 
 tion, run the army and navy, and become wet-nurse 
 for " Uncle Sam " and his children. 
 §10. " Become A LECTURER " .... 77-7s 
 When a man has convinced himself that he is an abso- 
 lute failure ; after he has tried trades, business and 
 the professions, and when his "• bright lexicon of 
 3'outh" contains only the word "fail," as a last re- 
 sort to escape the penitentiary or alms-house — he 
 lectures, and assumes to tell successful people how to 
 succeed " Such is the irony of fate." 
 
 §11. "Woman's SuPFAGE " 79 
 
 You will find in the text all I care to say upon this sul)- 
 ject. I have lived long enough to know about how 
 far a man is safe in fooling with anything concerning 
 the dear creatures. 
 § 11. "Lawyers are so pkmxe to divi-; ixto " 79 
 Anything, and always come to the surface with some- 
 thing in their hands. To see one dive and bob up 
 with nothing would be — • No, it could not be. It 
 is impossible. 
 § 12. "A 'WAY to :\rAKE jioxey outside of the profes- 
 sion " 80-81 
 
 All lawyers have investments from which they derive 
 large revenues ; large enough to support their fam- 
 ilies. Outside people often wonder how it is that 
 lawyers flourish and do so well, live so nicelj^, and 
 
lam'yerVs code of ethics. 141 
 
 I'ACE 
 
 never need to worry about expenses. It is all on ac- 
 count of these investments. 
 
 § 12. " CoXsrr.T A C03I11KUCIAL DliUjniEl! " . . 82 
 
 Why? Because he knows everything, has been every- 
 where, has done everything, is a friend to everybody, 
 and is the best natured, best locking, best dressed, 
 best fed, and best fellow generally, in the world. 
 You are riding on a railroad car, your fellow-traveler 
 entertains you with the name and history of all the 
 stations on the line. He knows all the train men, and 
 can tell j^ou more about the management of the road 
 than a stockholder can. He nods to all the pretty 
 girls; helps on and off all the old and middle-aged 
 women ; lends the old men a chew of tobacco, his 
 daily paper, or magazine, and when you leave him 
 you feel as if you were deserting a life-long friend. 
 He is a commercial drummer. You are on an ocean 
 steamer ; passengers all sea sick, except one or two 
 men, who sit and chat, or walk and smoke; eat, 
 read, and do everything as naturally in the severest 
 storm as old Neptune himself would. They assist 
 the ship's officers in waiting on the sick. You wonder 
 to what manner of people they belong. They arc 
 commercial drummers. The^' are truly cosmopolitan. 
 They are like sunlight and darkness. They are 
 ever3'where. There is no jjlace so hot, nor so cold, 
 so far away, nor so obscure, no matter how difficult 
 to reach, nor how dangerous the road to it, but that 
 the " i-unner " has been there. They are progression 
 personified. They are drive, push, energy, pluck. 
 They are the typical American. 
 
142 lawyer's code of ethics. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 § 13. "Tky i-OLiTirs" 82 
 
 And you will wish you had never been bom. The man 
 who can go through a political campaign, face all the 
 - music as played by the opposition ; pay all the bills 
 cheerfully ; shake hands with the " unwashed and un- 
 clean " of the slums, and come out with his clothes 
 pure, his reputation unsullied, and as well satisfied with 
 himself as he was when he went into the race, is full}'' 
 entitled to all he wins, and should in addition receive 
 a pension when he retires from office or politics. 
 You never know how mean and contemptible people 
 think you are, until you run for office. Buttbe man 
 who runs against j'ou is a meaner man than you are. 
 That is the reason why he is elected and you are not. 
 
 § 14. " Become State's attohney " . . . 83 
 From that point all great men start. It does not re- 
 quire a man of much cu^lture. It is a sort of train- 
 ing school for boys. If they do fairly well, they are 
 sent to Congress or made Governors of States. If 
 they do fairly bad, they are spanked and sent home 
 to fill minor places, or to fill only space. Tte major- 
 ity follow the last avocation. 
 
 § 14. ".JoiX A SECRET FRATERXrrY " . . . 8.'! 
 
 But do not join church. That to belong to church and 
 lead an exemplary life is highly proper and a duty, no 
 one will deny. But for you to join is preposterous. 
 Every one would see at a glance that j'Ou didit for 
 policy, and instead of the trick working to your ad- 
 vantage, it would be to the contrary. The people 
 would shun you. 
 
lawyer's code of ethics. 143 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 § 15. " Become a member of the G. A. R." . f>3 
 To do so you must show wounds, scars and an honor- 
 able discharge. If you have none of these, exhibit 
 a pair of epaulettes, as they were the weapons law- 
 yers carried in war times. 
 
 § 16. "Lynch law" 84 
 
 Is all right when it reaches for the right man. But it 
 has the misfortune of making mistakes. And to 
 please the multitude by whom it is always sur- 
 rounded, it is bound to have a hanging, and often 
 strangles an innocent person. 
 
 § 17. "The professional juryman" ... 84 
 Like the devil, is not so black as he is painted. He is 
 the scape-goat of the profession. When a lawyer 
 loses a case, he promptly says it was all on account 
 of the prof essional juryman. If a jury does not re- 
 turn a verdict in a short time, the delay is accounted 
 for by the fact that there is a professional on the 
 panel. 
 
 § 18. "All things must have an end" . . 85 
 A very wise remark. This section is devoted princi- 
 pally to the author's farewell. Believes there will be 
 no end to laws and law books. Which contradicts the 
 aforesaid wise remark. Much red-light, tears and 
 sighs. Some truth, much falsehood, little sense, 
 more nonsense, speaks of the mission of the book, 
 but says little or nothing of the missionary cause 
 among the heathen. Taken all in all, it is the worst 
 section in the book. Only redeeming feature about 
 it, is, that it is the last one. 
 
 End.