CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY THIS BOOK IS ONE OF A COLLECTION MADE BY / BENNO LOEWY i^/ 1854-1919 AND BEQUEATHED TO CORNELL UNIVERSITY 3 1924 031 448 958 Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924031448958 Sensible Etiquette BEST SOCIETY, CUSTOMS, MANNERS, MORALS, AND HOME CULTURE. COMPILED FROM THE BEST AUTHORITIES BY MRS. H./l *' A knowledge of etiquette is a knowledge of the customs of mciety at its best. There is no one who may not he instructed in some points that iuis for his advantage to know.'' — Modern Etiquette, f "The first years of a man's life are precious, since they lay the foundation' of the merit of the rest. Whatever care is used in the education of children it Is still too little to answer the CQd/'—~JfarcAioHess de Lambert, [fourth revised edition.] PHILADELPHIA : PORTER & COATES. 1878. " Young girlsj young wives, young mothers, you' hold the sceptre ; in your souls, much more than in the laws of legislators, now repose the futurity of the world and the desti- nies of the human race." — L. Ahni-Martin. "This is the age of social reform.'' — Emiiy Shir^'eff. " America is the land of the future, where mankind may plant, essay, and resolve all social problems." — Heraldic journal. " Education is the keynote of the best society." — Miss Faith/ul. '•' The best direction for goln^ through life, with good manners, is to feel that every- body, no matter how rich or how poor, needs all the kindness they can get from others in this world." "To do a little toward making people happy, toward making them kind to one another, toward opening their eyes to the beauty of beautiful behavior — these were her ambitions." " Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so unto them."— Scriptuj-e. COPYRIGHTED, 1878, By porter & COATES, DEDICATION. TO MT CHILDREN AND GEANDCHILDKEN, I DEDICATE this Compilation, hoping that it may serve as a moni- tor, all the years of their lives, to remind them of the training of their childhood and youth. In the same spirit, I dedicate it TO ALL YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES, With the hope that some of them may be interested in its pages, as recalling to them the home instruction they have received ; for the essential rules of good behavior are everywhere the same, although social observances, forms and ceremonies, differ with the customs and habits of different sections of our great republic, as with the various nations of the world in which we live. TO YOUNG MOTHEES, Also, this book is dedicated, with the knowledge that there is much in its pages that wili. aid them in the judicious training of their chil- drsn. Let them not become impatient at finding the same topics touched upon again and again, since it is only in this way that their importance can be fixed in tho memory. A celebrated teacher when asked how manV, and what, were the requisites for the successful instruction of the young, answered, as did Demosthenes of the importance of action in oratory : "Three: First, repetition; second, repetition; third, repetition." This book is not one to be taken from the circulating library or borrowed, skimmed over, and returned. It contains some of the wisest teachings of past generations as to the irrjportanco of forming good manners and correct habits in youth, together with some of the customs and rules that govern social inter- course in the best society of our own generation. ( vii ) VIU DEDICATION. If read arigbt, it will inspire us to do our share toward "putting down " our faults, instead of trying to " put down " one another ; to do a little toward making all whom we meet happy ; toward making known to the rising generation that " of all the cankers of human happiness, none corrodes with so silent and so baneful an influence as indolence; that a mind always employed is always happy; that the idle are the only wretched ;" — that, as the Hindu scriptures teach, virtue is a service man owes himself, and though there were no heaven, nor any God to rule the world, it were not less the binding law of life ; and also that "our Saviour measured souls only by their love, preferring the forgiveness of an injury to a sacrifice." The compiler has executed her task in vain, if the book, glanced over out of curiosity, is returned to the shelf without any of its sug- gestions being carried into practice. Harrietta Oxnarb "Ward. CONTENTS. CHAPTEK I. PAGE Letters — Notes — Invitations — Acceptances — Ebqekts — Opera-boxes — Exceptions to General Eules — So- ciety — Solitude — Character, 13 CHAPTER II. • General Instructions — Calls and Cards — Eules tor Watering-Places — The Social Dogberry — Proofs or Good Breeding — Nuisances in Society, ... 50 CHAPTEE III. Eecapitulated and Added Eules with Comments — A Sen- sible Proposition — The Ethics op Hospitality — Cads, Slanderers, and Scandal Mongers — Influence of Newspapers — Young America — Aristippus's Philoso- phy, 98 CHAPTER IV. Breakfasts — Lunches — Luncheons — Teas — Kettle- drums — Cure for Gossip — Social PeobCems — Good Society — Bad Society — Woman's Mission, . . . 128 CHAPTER V. Dinners — Exclusive Society — The Makers of Manners — Living for Others, 156 CHAPTER VI. Receptions — Parties— Balls — Young Men under Twenty- one — Influence of Sisters, 190 CHAPTER VII. Conflicting Authorities and Opinions on Points of Eti- quette, WITH Recapitulatory Remarks and Comments, 230 CHAPTER VIII. Dress — Toilet — Mourning, 250 (ix) X CONTENTS. CHAPTER IX. PAGE Salutations — The Prombnadb — Introdttctions — Ameri- can Men— Englishmen— The Lobrbd Type of Women — Self-Ebspect, 273 CHAPTEE X. Home Education — Company Manners — Genealogy — Bequisites foe Success — The Test of Nobleness — So- cieties Pin-pricks — Noble and Ignoble Patience — True Education — Life's Shipwrecks, .... 330 CHAPTEE XI. Eequirements foe Happiness in Married Life — The Mar- riage Ceremony, 302 CHAPTEE XII. Mixed Society — The Past School — Difference between Innocence and Virtue — The Mother's Influence and the Influence of Books in Forming Character, . 355 CHAPTEE XIII. Chaperons — Customs — Showy Superficialities — Har- vard Examinations — Thorough Education — Higher Culture of Women, 383 CHAPTEE XIV. Miscalled Education — Want of Individuality — Origi- nal People — Aimless Study — Objects of Woman's Highkr.Culturb, . . ■ 415 CHAPTEE XV. Dead Laws — Social Eeforms — Disinterested Lives — Sen- sitiveness AND Sympathy — Love of Approbation — Authors and Critics — Reformers and Leaders, . . 4.j7 CHAPTEE XVI. Our Best Society — Its Strength and Its Weaknesses, . 473 CHAPTEE XVIL Home Life — The Disciplines of Life — The Life Immortal, 510 Addenda 549 Appendix, 565 PREFACE. This compilation, made from various authorities upon Home Culture, Etiquette, and Good Manners, has been arranged for publication (as if written by one person) with the hope of meet- ing some of the special requirements of our social life. The names of the writers quoted from, where the names are known, will be found in the Appendix. The compiler's attention was first called to the existing need of some uniform understanding of the customs that rule our best society, by an article that appeared in " Lippincott's Magazine," March, 1873 ; by the nature of the local criticism of that essay ; and by an unworthy review of it that appeared in " The New York Tribune. " " The Young Lady's Friend," a book revised and edited by the author of the essay referred to, has for years been given as a prize to the graduating pupils in various schools and in Catholic insti- tutions . It is especially designed for the instruction of girls upon leaving school, impressing upon them the fact that they have only begun their education ; that, with the tools which their school course has given them, they must "mould their own ma- terials, quarry their own natures, make their own characters." A journalist, in announcing "Sensible Etiquette, "' says : "It is announced that a book upon good manners, bearing the above title, is to be issued during the year, as a companion to 'The Young Lady's Friend.' This is what we have been looking for, as we felt quite sure, after glancing over the excellent instructions in the latter volume, in connection with the events which led to its republication, that it has been prepared, in part, for the pur- pose of heralding the way for a second and more complete manual. In short, every line of the introduction, by the au- thoress of ' Unsettled Points of Etiquette,' leads to this conclu- ( xi ) Xll PKEFACE. sion ; and every page of the book itself inculcates the truth that self-education begins where school education ends, and that, although a parent or teacher may stimulate the mind and mould the manner, each individual must form his or her own character." The compiler of this book willingly acknowledges that " Sensi- ble Etiquette and Home Culture " is the fruit of seed sown by the writer of " Unsettled Points of Etiquette. " She has not forgot- ten the nature of the criticism that her predecessor in the same field encountered, and she intends to follow up her compilation with a history* of the anonymous criticism of that essay, which criticism, not pretending to deal with the subject-matter except- ing in the way of misquoting and misrepresenting it, called in gossip a;nd slander to its aid, interpolating fictitious events in the life of the essayist, and catering to the amusement of "the Wen- hams and the Palconers " in her own circle, as well as to the gloating enjoyment of a class that always relishes keenly any attack upon its superiors. If this compilation is to be assailed in like manner, as predicted, and its compiler is to be pilloried, as was the author of " Unset- tled Points," its readers at least will have an opportunity of learning how the book notices of critics are often written ; how personal ill-will finds vent in pretended critiques; and how re- viewers, professing to feel their moral responsibility, can contra- dict each other in their reviews. This compilation, then, is given to the public, as a companion to the revised edition, of 1873, of Mrs. Earrar's "Young Lady's Eriend," which excellent work does not profess to take up in detail the various rules that govern intercourse in modern society, although admitting their importance and advocating their use. A knowledge of etiquette has been defined as a knowledge of the rules of society at its best ; but these rules often are not suited to our mode of life, or to our republican society ; and the word etiquette always grates upon the ear. Eor this reason the com- piler has chosen the title of "Sensible Etiquette," introducing into her work such rules as are suited to a republic, and discard- ing all such as are useless or unsuitable. These rules will be found to facilitate hospitalities and to make social intercourse more agreeable, when all the members of society hold them as * See "Anonymous Criticism," by Mrs. H. O. Ward. PREFACE. xm binding rules, and faithfully regard their observance. Herein lies the most striking point of difference between tlie best society in America and the best society in Europe. Unmannerly people are found everywhere, and this century has been called "the century of license in speech and manners and morals combined : the most unromantic, beastly, and tiresome century of all cen- turies since the birth of Christ ;" but there are certain observ- ances handed down from one cultured generation to another, ■which are strictly regarded in the best society in Europe, and which even the unmannerly dare not neglect there. In America, many families, who know the importance of these customs, grow careless in their observance of them., because they are so generally ignored or disregarded ; and this neglect gives rise to constant chafings and misunderstandings. One suspects another of an intentional rudeness, when it is often ignorance alone which causes the omission or neglect of a duty. The iirst principles of enjoyment of social intercourse thus violated at the foundation, the entire structure of society becomes insecure. " On manners, refinement, rules of good breeding, and even the forms of eti- quette, we are forever talking, judging our neighbors severely by the breach of traditionary and unwritten laws, and choosing our society and even our friends by the touchstone of courtesy," writes an English author ; but, as it is well known that there is no subject upon which individuals are more sensitive than that of their manners, no one is courageous enough to speak on these subjects in the presence of those who violate these laws. There- fore, as the polished affect to despise the book of etiquette as un- . necessary, those wanting in polish are left to conclude that such books are useless, and that there are no rules that are worth knowing which tliey do not already know ; while in reality there is no one living who may not be instructed in some points which it is for his advantage to know. It is only when books of eti- quette are themselves ridiculous in their treatment of the subject, that they are held in disrepute ; for we all know that the wise and great, down all the centuries, from Isocrates to Emerson , have not handled the subject of good manners in any way but t\s one worthy of their consideration and of the attention of all mankind. The Marchioness de Lambert gave utterance to the opinions of the best bred in her time, when she wrote in a letter to her son, "Nothing is more shameful than a voluntary rudeness. Men have found it necessary as well as agreeable to unite for xiv PEEFACE. the common good ; they have made laws to restrain the wicked ; they have agreed among themselves as to the duties of society, and have annexed an honorable character to the practice of those duties. He is the honest man that observes them with the most exactness, and the instances of them multiply in proportion to the degree and nicety of a person's honor." In the selection of various customs and observances among the wellbred, in their classiflcation, and in the treatment of other topics which belong to home culture, the compiler has executed her work with the sincerest desire to be of use to the young. She will not have labored in vain if she is able to show that it is mis- taken pride and misplaced vanity which leads persons to wish to have it thought that no social nicety is other than fanjiliar and natural to them, when it is an acknowledged fact that no matter how well born or how well trained a youth may be, he must ac- quaint himself with the changing customs of the times, if he would not seem to be wanting in knowledge of the world and the ways of the world. Even should the compiler fail in her object, there will still be left to her that consciousness of her desire to benefit the rising generation, which is the best reward of every well-njeant endeavor in behalf of the young. INTRODUCTORY. "If manners make the man, manners are the woman herself; be- cause with her they are the outward and visible tokens of her inward and spiritual grace, or disgrace, and flow instinctively, whether good or bad, from~the instincts of her inner nature. . . . " We can no more mend men by rules than by coercion. We must teach them to mend their manners of their own free will. . . . . . . "For my part, I should like to make every man, woman and child whom I meet, discontented with themselves, even as I am dis- contented with myself. I should like to awaken in them, about their physical, their intellectual, their moral condition, that divine discontent which is the parent, first of upward aspiration, and then of self-control, thought, effort to fulfil that aspiration even in part. . . . This is the very germ and first upgrowth of all virtue." — Kev. Charles Kingslby. The compiler of this volume is well HMnre that it is customary upon Introducing any vrork to the public, professedly treating upon an improvement in manners, to apologize for so doing, but she does not consider any such apology necessary. Society has its grammar as language has, and the rules of that grammar must be learned. The word " wellbred " shows us that manner is a thing to be acquired and taught, since it depends upon the •breeding and bringing up. Surely those who have been well brought up need no apologies made to them for efforts in behalf of others who are not equally well trained ; and as the ideal of what constitutes true politeness is continually changing (or rather, the modes of showing politeness are continually cliang- ing, for the principle remains the same at all times and in all places), no one will be found among this class of persons who will be so unreasonable as to object to the revision of old rules, or the setting forth of the accepted code of manners for tha (XV) XVI INTKODUCTORY. present day. Therefore, for such persons no apology is needed ; and certainly where home culture has been neglected, where the daughters and the sons have received no attention in the forma- tion of their manners under the guidance of their parents, they will require no apologies for that instruction which, if they make proper use of, will fit them for the society of gentlewomen and gentlemen. Originally, a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of nobility, wears a coat of arms. This is why the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve with such pride and care the time-stained armorial bearings which their forefathers brought with them from their homes in the mother country. Although despising titles as many did, and ignoring the rights of kings as supported by their royalist relations, they still clung to the "grand old name of gentleman." Race tells in man as in other animals, but it is no longer the only requi- site ; neither will learning and wealth, united with blood, make a man a gentleman, not even though his possessions should exceed those of Croesus. !Nor will race, education, and wealth . combined, make a woman a gentlewoman, if she is wanting in refinement and consideration for the feelings of others. Men and women of sensitive organizations may possess that unself- ishness of nature and that kindly consideration for others which characterize the gentleman and the gentlewoman, and these qualities may show themselves in such a way as to be mistaken for what some call innate good breeding ; but in reality there is no such thing : good manners are only acquired by education and observation, followed up by habitual practice at home and in society. This, then, is the test, the touchstone that reveals to us the gentlewoman and the gentleman, viz., good manners. It is less distinct in appearance, far more subtle, far more diffi- cult to attain than the old distinction ; but in these days, he wh(^ does not possess it, even though he has a ducal title, need not expect to be called a gentleman by gentlemen ; nor can a woman without it aspire to being considered a lady by ladies. No per- son who essays to make this "truth Understood, need give in ex- cuse of such efforts any of the extenuating reasons set down in other works upon the same subject. It is the duty of American women to do all in their power toward the formation of so high a standard of morals and man- ners that the tendency of society will be upward instead of down- INTRODUCTORY. XVll ward, seeking to make it in every respect equal to tlie best soci- ety of any nation. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied, and no society can be good where they are bad. "Xes hoynmes font les his, les femmes font les mcewrs. " Hero is one field for woman to labor in — a work for her to perform ; one of the mis- sions acknowledged by men even as rightfully her own. Thus can she aid in promoting a branch of that great educational movement which is engrossing the sympathies and prompting the generous labors of so many wise and able thinkers of our time. When the late Charles Astor Bristed wrote : " To a certain extent rudeness is still a characteristic of our people, and down- right insolence not imfrequently prevails," he gave bold utter- ance to a truth which many have felt, but which few have found courage to utter ; for it does require moral courage of the liigh- est type to attack the weaknesses and the foibles of mankind — weaknesses and foibles which are shared, in one form, or another, by all who possess the birthright of humanity. Dr. Mayo says of a character in one of his novels : " She rather admired a high standard of refinement, and culture, and social morality, but she was not going to put herself out in any way to correct the vices or elevate the tone of society. There was not much of the reformer and nothing of" the martyr in her composition." This is worldly wisdom ; but if society were altogether made up of such women, there would be but little hope for that advancement in refinement which the cultivated look for, or that correction of the errors and weaknesses of so- ciety- which the; thoughtful and the kindhearted desire. The same writer saystruly : "The only excuse for the existence in this country of a set, or sets, pretending to be at the head of social life is, that they really fulfil certain important functions, that they really oflfer a higher standard of elegance and culture, that they really encourage an improvement in manners, and stimulate the growth and spread of refined taste. This is their only raisoii d''etre. If they do not this, their exclusiveness is an insolent pretension, a contemptible humbug." When it is admitted that culture is the first requirement of good society, then self-improvement will be the aim of each and a;ll its members ; and manners will improve with the cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of social intercourse is no longer marred by the introduction of discordant elements. XVI INTRODUCTORY. present day. Therefore, for such persons no apology is needed ; and certainly where home culture has been neglected, where the daughters and the sons have received no attention in the forma- tion of their manners under the guidance of their parents, they will require no apologies for that instruction which, if they make proper use of, will fit them for the society of gentlewomen and gentlemen. Originally, a gentleman was defined to be one who, without any title of nobility, wears a coat of arms. This is why the descendants of many of the early colonists preserve with such pride and care the time-stained armorial bearings which their forefathers brought with them from their homes in the mother country. Although despising titles as many did, and ignoring the rights of kings as supported by their royalist relations, they still clung to the " grand old name of gentleman." Race tells in man as in other animals, but it is no longer the only requi- site ; neither will learning and wealth, united with blood, make a man a gentleman, not even though his possessions should exceed those of Croesus. Nor will race, education, and wealth combined, make a woman a gentlewoman, if she is wanting in refinement and consideration for the feelings of others. Men and women of sensitive organizations may possess that unself- ishness of nature and that kindly consideration for others which characterize the gentleman and the gentlewoman, and these qualities may show themselves in such a way as to be mistaken for what some call innate good breeding ; but in reality there is no such thing : good manners are only acquired by education and observation, followed up by habitual practice at home and in society. This, then, is the test, the touchstone that reveals to us the gentlewoman and the gentleman, viz., good manners. It is less distinct in appearance, iar more subtle, far more diffi- cult to attain than the old distinction ; but in these days, he who. does not possess it, even though he has a ducal title, need not expect to be called a gentleman by gentlemen ; nor can a woman without it aspire to being considered a lady by ladies. No per- son who essays to make this* truth Understood, need give in ex- cuse of such eflbrts any of the extenuating reasons set down in other works upon the same subject. It is the duty of American women to do all in their power toward the formation of so high a standard of morals and man- ners that the tendency of society will be upward instead of down- INTKODUCTOKY. XVU ward, seeking to make it in every respect equal to the best soci- ety of any nation. Manners and morals are indissolubly allied, and no society can be good where they are had. "ies hommes font ks his, les femmes font les moiurs.'" Here is one field for woman to labor in — a work for her to perform ; one of the mis- sions acknowledged by men even as rightfully her own. Thus can she aid in promoting a branch of that great educational movement which is engrossing the sympathies and prompting the generous labors of so many wise and able thinkers of our time. When the late Charles Astor Bristed wrote : " To a certain extent rudeness is still a characteristic of our people, and down- right insolence not unfrequently prevails," he gave bold utter- ance to a truth which many have felt, but which few have found courage to utter ; for it does require moral courage of the high- est type to attack the weaknesses and the foibles of mankind — weaknesses and foibles which are shared, in one form, or another, by all who possess the birthright of humanity. Dr. Mayo says of a character in one of his novels : " She rather admired a high standard of refinement, and culture, and social morality, but she was not going to put herself out in any way to correct the vices or elevate the tone of society. There was not much of the reformer and nothing of* the martyr in her composition." This is worldly wisdom ; but if society were altogether made up of such women, there would be but little hope for that advancement in refinement which the cvdtivated look for, or that correction of the errors and weaknesses of so- ciety- which the thoughtful and the kindhearted desire. The same writer says- truly : "The only excuse for the existence in this country of a set, or sets, pretending to be at the head of social life is, that they really fulfil certain important functions, that they really offer a higher standard of elegance and culture, that they really encourage an improvement in manners, and stimulate the growth and spread of refined taste. This is their only raisoii d^etre. If they do not this, their exclusiveness is an insolent pretension, a contemptible humbug." When it is admitted that culture is the first requirement of good society, then self-improvement will be the aim of each and all its members ; and manners will improve with the cultivation of the mind, until the pleasure and harmony of social intercourse is no longer marred by the introduction of discordant elements. XVlll INTRODUCTORY. When this stage is reached, exchisiveness will no longer seem to be a pretension, a humbug; for those only will be excluded whose education and manners are such as to render them unQt for enjoyment in, and appreciation of, the best society. Good manners are even more essential to harmony in society than is full instruction of the mind and advanced education of its pow- ers, and are as much an acquisition as is knowledge in any of its various forms. Our parents and instructors are not our only teachers ; they do but commence the life-long work in which we perfect ourselves, if faithful to our charge. Our best teachers are the illbred, for they hold up to us a mir- ror in which we see how unlovely, how unattractive, women and men can make themselves, when their conduct gives evidence of a want of that degree of self-respect which alone leads men and women to respect the rights and the feelings of others, and to do as they would be done by. The religion of the golden rule is the basis of all politeness — a religion which teaches us to forget our- selves, to be kind to our neighbors, and to be civil even to our enemies. The appearance of so being and doing, is what society demands as good manners. Where differing views are held as to social duties and privileges, where distinctions are made other than those conferred by education, cultivation, refinement, and morality, it is quite true that this Christian politeness, which leads men and women to be strict only with themselves, and indulgent with others, must be dispensed with. The man or woman in such circles whose life is guided by it, is liable to be misunderstood The wellbred are easy to get along with, for they are as quick to make an apology when they have been at fault, as they are to accept one when it is made. " The noble- hearted only understand the noble-hearted." Impoliteness is very demoralizing, and in a society where the majority are rude from the thoughtlessness of ignorance, or re- miss from the insolence of bad breeding, the iron rule, "Do Unto others as they do unto you," is oftener put in practice than the golden one. As savages know nothing of the virtues of forgive- ness, and think those who are not revengeful are wanting in spirit, so the illbred do not understand undeserved civilities.^extended to promote the general interests of society, and to carry out the injunction of Scripture to strive after the things that make for peace. It is good manners which divides society into sets. One set INTRODUCTORY. xix has no breeding at all, another has a little, another more, another enough ; and between that which has none and that which has enough, there are more shades than in the rainbow. Good man- ners are the same in essence everywhere — at courts, in fashion- able society here, in literary circles, in domestic life — they never change ; but social observances, customs, and points of etiquette vary with the age, and with the people. It is in hope of bringing about a better general understanding as to the importance of fulfilling our social duties, that this com- pilation has been made. Dickens showed his appreciation of the superiority of the in- struction given in books over oral teaching, when, in " Nicholas Nickleby," he put in the mouth of the master these words : " Wc go upon the practical mode of teaching, Nickleby. When a boy knows this out of book, he goes and does it." Carlyle says : " On all sides are we not driven to the conclusion that, of the things which man can do or make below, by far the most mo- mentous, wonderful, and worthy are the things we call books ? Those poor bits of rag-paper, with black ink on them, what have they not done, what are they not doing? Is it not verily, at bottom, the highest act of man's faculty that produces a book ? It is the thought of man, the true thaumaturgic virtue, by which man works all things whatsoever. Of all priesthoods, aristoc- racies, governing classes, extant in the world, there is no class comparable for importance to that priesthood of the writers of books. The man of letters is uttering forth, in such words as he has, the inspired soul of him ; all that a man, in any case, can do. I say inspired, for what we call originality, sincerity, genius, the heroic quality we have no good name for, signifies that. Complaint is often made, in these times, of what we call the disorganized condition of society ; how ill many arranged forces of society fulfil their work ; how many powerful forces are seen working in a wasteful, chaotic, altogether unarranged man- ner On the beaten road there is tolerable travelling, but it is sore work, and many have to perish, fashioning a path through- the impassably " The writer of a book, is not he a preacher, preaching to all men in all times and places? . . . .- "Books persuade men. Not the wretchedest circulating li- brary novel, which foolish girls thumb and con in remote villages, but will help to regulate the actual practical weddings and house- XX INTRODUOTOET. holds of those fooh'sh girls. So Celia felt, so Clifford acted ; the ■ foolish Theorem of Life, stamped into those young brains, comes out as a solid practice one day "The writers of newspapers, pamphlets, poems, books, these are the real working effective chnrch of a modern country." Thus Carlyle shows what importance he places upon the teach- ing of books. Placing like importance upon their teaching, the compiler of these pages has endeavored to do her work, feeling that it is of the highest importance that every one should take pains to be informed concerning the right and the best in social intercourse and usage. This knowledge is not bom with the individual ; it comes only with cultivation. Points which to some minds are seemingly unessential, are not so as long as they convey to any minds anything that is wound- ing — like inferiority in station, or premeditated rudeness, such, for instance, as the signing of letters, and the wording of regrets. It is trifles which shade off the points of difference between the various degrees of breeding. Why not then make ourselves acquainted with all these various shades, if it is true that what- ever is worth doing at all, is worth doing well ? These points, as has been declared, constitute part of what is in the whole no arbitrary and fanciful set of dicta. It is a sequence of logical deductions and applications. Necessities of social life produced conventionalities ; they are the harness in which the race is run. Those who ridicule and defy them, who take pleasure in outrag- ing them, give evidence that they are not accustomed to their observance, and that neither they themselves belong, nor have their ancestors belonged, to the ranks of the most highly culti- vated of their time. The ignorant and the uncultivated are the only ones who undervalue the requirements of good breeding. It has been said that the whole object of these laws is to main- tain the dignity of the individual and the comfort of the com- munity. Their observance takes away the disagr^mens that might result from the meeting of people of opposite character and education, rounds off the sharp angles, makes life easy, and allows us to slip easily over all the dangergus places in our views and wishes and experiences which are nobody's business but our own. Obedience to these laws is to social life what obedi- ence to law is in political life. Whatever enjoyment we have from society, from that agglomeration of morning calls, break- fasts, dinner-parties, luncheons, evening entertainments, pro- INTRODUCTORY. XXI longed visits, rides, drives, operas, theatres, and all whiclTgo to make up the business of gay life, and some portion of which en- ters into all life, even the humblest, since the very poorest among us have their gatherings, and enjoy their pleasures— whatever enjoyment we have from this association, and from our daily ex- istence, so far as others are concerned, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole machinery, and keeps every cog and wheel in place, and at its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries all things along comfortably to their consummation. Instead then of re- garding the understanding of these laws as a trivial thing, we should rather look to see if the observance of them will not lead the way to a still higher level of life and manners ; for we may rest assured that a fine etiquette, treating every individual, as it does, on the plane of sovereignty, never forgetting his rights and dignities, giving him his own place, and keeping ' others out of it, making it easy by custom of the multitude to render unto Csesar, regarding always, as it will be found to do, the seilsitive- ness of the most sensitive, destroying the agony of basbfulness, controlling the insolence of audacity, repressing the rapacity of selfishness, and maintaining the authority of the legitimate, has something to do with morality, and is an expression of the best that civilization has yet done. This is what a writer in " Har- per's Bazar " has most ably said, in a paper that appeared in its columns last winter. Not alone in America is this subject now being agitated, for since the days of the "Spectator," never has there been a time when the most distinguished writers of the day have so turned their attention to the importance of good manners, involving the observance of social laws. Everything that pertains to good breeding and to mental and moral culture, ought to be of interest to all who instruct the young, whether parents or teachers. Emerson says a circle of men, perfectly wellbred, would be a company of sensible persons, in wliich every man's native man- ner and character appeared. This assertion implies that mere training will not of itself alone make the manners good, that they are rather the kindly fruit of refined natures and of culture in past generations. But, even admitting this, do not coarse na- tures, and such as do not possess high transmitted qualities, need all the more that training, without which they would turn so- ciety into a Bedlam, and make life unendurable to refined minds XXU INTRODUCTORY. and sensitive organizations ? Ruskin says a gentleman's first cliaracteristic is that fineness of structure in the body which renders it capable of the most delicate sensation, and of that structure in the mind which renders it capable of the most deli- cate sympathies. One may say, simply, fineness of nature. And yet, as has already been said, such natures even are not endowed at birth with a knowledge of the forms which have been created for the purpose of taking away the disagreeabilities which result from people of opposite character and training meeting in social life. Calvert says ladyhood is an emanation from the heart sub- tilized by culture. Here we have the two requisites for the high- est breeding — transmitted qualities and the culture of good train- ing. "Of the higher type of ladyhood, " continues Calvert, "may always be said what Steele said of Lady Elizabeth Hastings, 'that ujiaffected freedom and conscious innocence gave her the attendance of the graces in all her actions. ' At its highest, lady- hood implies a spirituality made manifest in poetic grace. Prom the lady there exhales a subtle magnetism. Unconsciously she encircles herself with an atmosphere of unruffled strength, which, to those who come into it, gives confidence and repose. Within her influence the diflident grow self-possessed, the impudent are checked, the inconsiderate admonished ; even the rude are con- strained to be mannerly, and the refined are perfected ; all spelled unawares by the charm of the flexible dignity, the commanding gentleness, the thorough womanliness of her look, speech, and demeanor. A sway is this, purely spiritual. Every sway, every legitimate, every enduring sway"is spiritual ; a regnancy of light over obscurity, of right over brutality. The only real gains we ever make are spiritual gains — a further subjection of the gross to the incorporeal, of body to soul, of the animal to the human. The finest, the most characteristic acts of a lady, involve a spir- itual ascension, a growing out of herself. In her being and bear- ing, patience, generosity, benignity, are the grtices that give shape to the virtues of truthfulness. " Here we have the test of true ladyhood. Were tomes upon tomes written upon the subject, what more, what better could be said ? Let the young remember that whenever they find them- selves in the company of those who do not make them feel at case, they are in the society of pretenders, and not in the com- pany of true gentlewomen and true gentlemen. As in literature talent alone can never make a good critic, inasmuch as ^enius is INTRODUCTORY. Xxiii needed to sympathize with genius, so wellbred men and women can only feel at home in the society of the wellbred. In anything less they are aliens and strangers. Has it ever occurred to any one to picture what society might be, if all who moved in it were gentlemen and gentlewomen — what the earth might be made, if all its inhabitants were kind- hearted — if, instead of contending with the faults of our fellows, we were each to wage war against our own faults ? There is no one living who does not need to watch constantly against the evil from within, as well as from without, for, as has been truly said, "a man's greatest foe dwells in his own heart." The les- sons of life are never learned until life is ended ; the victory over self is never gained until the mortal becomes immortal. This is why Life is called a school, and Sin and Sorrow its teachers. It is a great work, that of self-improvement, self-culture. Miss Shirreflf, writing of the higher education of women, says : "So long as essentials are never lost sight of, let us add as many more graces of high culture as time, or means, or occasion may permit. " It is with these graces of high culture that we now have to deal in the following pages ; which pages, like those that pre- cede them, are but little more than a compilation from the various authors whose names will be found at the close of this work. Euskin tells us, "All men who have sense and feeling are being continually helped ; they are taught by every person whom they meet, and enriched by everything that falls in their way. The greatest is he who has been oftenest aided ; and if the attain- ments of all human minds could be traced to their real sources, it would be found that the world had been laid most under contribution by the men of most original power, and that every day of their existence deepened their debt to their race, while it enlarged their gifts to it. The labor devoted to trace the origin of any thought, or any invention, will usually issue in the blank conclusion that there is nothing new under the sun ; yet nothing that is truly great can ever be altogether borrowed ; and he is commonly the wisest, and is always the happiest, who receives simply, and without envious question, whatever good is offered him, with thanks to its immediate giver." Newpokt. Sensible Etiquette OF THE BEST SOCIETY. CUSTOMS, MANNERS AND MORALS, AND ■ HOME CULTURE. CHAPTER L LETTERS — NOTES — INVITATIOlirS— ACCEPT AITCES— REGRETS^ OPERA-BOXES— BXCEPTIOlSrS TO GESTERAL RULES— SOCI- ETY — SOLITUDE^CHARACTER. " No talent among men hath more scholars and fewer masters." " In everything that is done, no matter how trivial, there is a right and a wrong way of doing it. The writing of a note or letter, the wording of a regret, the prompt or the delayed answering of an in- vitation, the manner of a salutation, the neglect of a required atten- tion, all betray to the well-bred the degree or the absence of good breeding." — From the French of Mailer. Respect for one's self, as well as respect for others, re- quires that no letter should ever be carelessly written, much less a note. Blots of ink, erasures, and stains on the paper are equally inadmissible. The handwriting should be divested of all flourishes, the rules of punctuation should be strictly regarded, and no capital letters used where they are not required. Any abbreviations of name, rank, or title are considered rude beyond those sanctioned by cus- tom, nor should any abbreviations of words be indulged (13) 14 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. in, or underlining of words intended to be emphatic. All amounts of money or other numbers should be written, re- serving the use of numeral figures for dates only. It is good form to have the direction of the writer printed in simple characters at the top. All business letters should bear the direction and the date. Upon friendly notes nothing more than the day of the week, with the street and the number, is absolutely necessary. No attention should ever be paid to anonymous letters. The writers of such stamp themselves as ignoble and cow- ardly; and cowards never hesitate to say or write wha!> is not true when it suits their purpose. All statements made in such letters should be regarded as false and inspired by envy ; for there are no anonymous letter-writers who are not both cowardly and envious. Such letters should be consigned to the flames, for they are beneath notice. "White note-paper and envelopes are in better taste than colored. In families where arms are used it should be re- membered that unmarried ladies have not the right to use crests or coats of arms, although some do so who cannot plead ignorance as an excuse. Americans have the reputa- tion of sneering at titles, yet of imitating the weaknesses and infringing upon the rights of those who bear them. It must be confessed that even in a republic the temptation to use armorial bearings is very strong, and the desire very natural, where families possesis the undoubted right: as, when they have been handed down from father to son for many generations, after having been brought from the mother-country either on old silver or old seals or in old Bibles, or emblazoned with casque and mantling on vellum and framed, as are frequently seen in our Colonial families. But in this brazen age anything can be bought with money, and coats of arms are often used at complete variance with personal history and in violation of all precedent. It is AKMS AND CRKSTS. IS considered a misdemeanor, and punislied as sucli, to in- fringe on a merchant's mark, and yet the marks of nobility- are continually appropriated by ignorant and aspiring peo- ple who only bear the name of the family, and cannot trace the faintest line of their descent. The oldest Euro- pean families prefer to use their arms without quarterings. A story is told of two gentlemen passing along the Rue de la Paix in Paris, who stopped to look in the attractive window of a china establishment. "Jupiter!" exclaimed one, " look at the arms on that china ! — no end of quarter- ings ! Let us stop in and see what noble duke it belongs to." Great was their astonishment to learn that it had been ordered. by an American family. Nothing is more vulgar than pretence, and those who use arms or crests should have them printed as simply as possible. Married ladies use the arms of their husbands' family, unmarried ones the quarterings of their fathers' and mothers' arms on a lozenge. In a republic monograms are considered by many in better taste than crests or coats of arms. Fashion is always changing the size and the shape of note-paper and envelopes, but the quality never alters. Nothing looks poorer or more untidy than thin paper, and envelopes which do not conceal the writing. No letters should ever be crossed, even among relations or intimate friends. Some literary people affect carelessness in writing, thinking it rather Byronic to do so, but if they realized the effect produced by a slovenly letter upon the mind of the recipient they would never repeat the offence. In no way is one's culture sooner judged of than by his manner of writing a note or a letter Long letters are excusable only when written to relatives or old friends. In writing formal letters the stilted style of past generations has been univer- sally dropped. The prevailing idea amongst sensible people of the present day is that fanailiarity and ceremony 16 SENSIBLK ETIQUETTE. are equally far removed from politeness and good taste, and should be banished from society. The writing of notes in the third person, which was the custom formerly among people who knew each other hut slightly, is now generally confined to notes of invitation, excepting where old-school customs are still admired and clung to. Whenever the note exceeds the few admissible lines for the third person, it is better, even when writing to strangers, to write in the first person. The French have the follow- ing rule : " In manuscript letters never use the third per- son excepting when writing to your drsssmakers and tailors." Certainly no well-educated lady or gentleman would be guilty of the rudeness of replying to a note, from a friend and equal, written in the first person, b3' one writ- ten in the third, unless from thoughtlessness. Persons have been known in fits of abstraction to sign their names to notes written in the third person. One would hope that -the receiver would be sufficiently chari- table not to attribute such a mistake to ignorance, knowing how frequently it is the case that persons who write much are surrounded by members of their family, who keep up a flow of conversation, often addressing remarks to them which require an answer. It would not be surprising should a person so situated change from the third to the first person before her note was finished, or even sign her name to one which she had written in the third person. But such mistakes should be carefully guarded against, as nothing could bear stronger circumstantial evidence of ignorance. When a letter is upon business, commencing "Sir" or "Dear Sir," it is customary to place the name of the person addressed at the close, in the left-hand corner. When written in the third person the name is omitted of course; also in all letters commencing with the name of the person to whom you are writing, as " My dear Mrs. LETTERS AND NOTES. 17 Jones." The name should nat then be repeated in the left- hand corner as when one commences, " Dear Madam," or "Sir." It is astonishing to see how often this rule is vio- lated by persons professing the greatest punctiliousness in observing the correct forms and ceremonies of social inter- course. The custom of leaving a blank margin on the left-hand side of each page is now looked upon as obsolete, excepting in legal documents. No notes should be commenced very high or very low on the page, but should be nearer the top than the middle of the sheet. In addressing a clergyman it is customary to commence " Reverend Sir " or " Dear Sir." It is no longer custom- ary to write "B.A." or " M.A." after his name. "Eev. Henry Bell," is the correct form ; where the first name is not known, " Rev. Bell." Doctors of divinity and of medicine are thus distin- gtiished: "To the Rev. James Haw, D.D.," or "Rev. Dr. Haw;" "To J. G.Latham, Esq., M.D.," "Doctor Latham," or "Dr. Latham." Foreign ministers are addressed as " His Excellency " and "Honorable." (See Westlake's Letters, Notes, and Ca/rds — a valuable book for proper use of titles.) In writing to servants it is customary to begin thus : " To Ellen Weller : Mrs. Jones wishes to have her house in readiness on the 14th inst.," etc., etc. To trades-people the third person is used. If necessary to write in the first person, one commences, " Sir," and signs " Yours truly," giving the initials only, as "J. E. Jones," not "Julia E. Jones." There is a diversity of opinion as to the degrees of for- mality in commencing and signing notes and letters. Both in England and New England the scale is as follows: "Madam," "Dear Madam," "My dear Madam j" "Dear 2 18 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Mrs. Joues," " My dear Mrs. Jones," " My dear Friend," In closing a note the degrees are implied as follows: " Truly yours " or " Yours truly," " Very truly yours," "Sincerely yours," "Cordially yours," "Faithfully yours," "Affectionately yours." There are words enough in use to express every grade of feeling, and they should be carefully selected for the pur- pose ; as the conclusion of a letter or a note makes an im- pression upon the person reading it. To aged persons " With great respect, yours sincerely," recommends itself as being less familiar than the other forms. A very rude ending is " Yours, etc." You do not sign " Yours truly " or " Truly yours " to any one whom you know sufficiently well to commence your note with " My dear Mrs. ;" this form being re- served for Avriting to strangers and for business letters. " Believe me, with kind regards, sincerely yours," is one of the stereotyped modes considered a good form in closing a letter to a friend. It is a thing of the past to commence letters with " Sir " or " Madam " when writing to persons in your own class of circles. This form is reserved for per- sons of superior or inferior station as denoting in both no familiarity. While, in replying to a letter from a stranger so commenced, it would be extremely civil, in a lady, to begin with "Dear Sir" or "Dear Madam," it would be very uncivil to commence a. letter with "Sir" or " Madam " in answering one commencing with " Dear Sir" or " Dear Madam." Foreigners are struck with the formalities that Americans sanction. A lady, writing to another lady of her own station, although she may never have met her, writes " Dear Mrs. Blank," signing herself "Yours truly." After she has become acquainted with her, she changes to " My dear Mrs. Blank," and signs her- self "Yours sincerely," or, perhaps, "With kindest re- LETTERS AND NOTES. 19 gards, believe me cordially yours," giving her Christian name in full, as for example, " Lucy M. Vaughan," and not " L. M. Vaughan." It is everywhere looked upon as a vulgarity when a mar- ried lady signs herself with the " Mrs." before her name, or a single lady with the " Miss." In writing to strangers who flo not know whether to address you as " Mrs." or " Miss," the address should be given in full, ajter signing your letter; as, "Mrs. John Vaughan," followed by th^ direction: or, if unmarried, the "Miss" should be placed in brackets, at a short distance preceding the signature. Never write of your children as " Miss Nellie " or " Mas- ter Edward." Reserve the "Miss" or "Master" for use in speaking or writing to inferiors. To recapitulate, — In writing to strangers, one is at liberty to use the third person, or to commence with " Sir " or " Madam," as pre- ferred. If the letter is for any one of whom the writer has some knowledge, " Dear Sir " or " Dear Madam " is con- sidered more courteous. If the persons have speaking ac- quaintance, " Dear Mr. Jones " or " Dear Mrs. Jones " is the correct form. If visits have been exchanged, or the persons writing and written to are well acquainted, " My dear Mrs. Jones" or "My dear Mr. Jones." Do not sign " Yours truly " to a friend. Reserve this form for business letters, and in writing to strangers. Never sign your name prefixed with " Mrs.," or " Miss," or "Mr." Only the letters of unmarried ladies and widows are ad- dressed with their baptismal names. All letters of mar- ried women should bear their husbands' names, as " Mrs. John Smith." The French do not use "Cher " or "Chfere" in commencing letters, unless where there is great inti- macy, but only "Monsieur," "Madame," or "Mademoi> 20 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTK. selle ;" which customs Americans abroad would do well to remember when writing in the French language. Writing in English, our own forms can be observed, even though writing to foreigners. Foreigners of distinction do not use their titles in signing notes or letters to their friends ; nor is it ever permissible for Americans to prefix " Honorable " or any other title to their own names. In writing to your inferiors use as few words as possible, that your letter may not be presumed upon from any seem- ing familiarity. As men are not as chivalric in these days as in former times, it would be well to read over every letter before sending it, with a view to discovering whether it is worded as it ought to be should it fall into other hands than those for whom it was written. A lady once addressed a letter to a man with whom she had but slight acquaint- ance, stating with perfect fairness the unprincipled con- duct of some' one in his employ which she thought it was for his interest to know and to condemn. It never seemed to have crossed her mind that the subordinate would see her letter; but it was shown to him, and he wrote an illit- erate and most insolent note in reply, stating in it that he had kept a copy of the note which she had written to his employer. Such an experience could not often occur, it is true, for there are few men to be found who would show a lady's letter to the person of whom she had complained in terms of indignation suitable to the grossness of his offence, but that it did once occur should serve as a warniuff to all writers of letters not to allow any epistle to go out of their hands which they would not be willing to have read by others than the one addressed. Only in the cultivated must we look for that thorough refinement which acts like an instinct in such matters. LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 21 Another thing in which great care should be exercised by those who have a voluminous correspondence (" dashing off" a dozen letters at a time), is that each be at once inclosed in its own envelope. Absent-minded and careless persons fre- quently create great annoyance by inclosing their letters wrongly. A lady going to a strange city had some letters of introduction sent by post, that the parties to whom they were to be sent might call upon her during her stay, which was to be short, as she was a musical celebrity, whose time was not entirely at her own disposal. The letters were written and sent, but unfortunately were so carelessly changed about in putting them in their envelopes, as to deprive those to whom they were addressed of the pleasure it would have been to them to make the acquaintance of the lady. Punch gives the following experience, which is still more to the point : Damon — " Hullo, Pythias ; what's the matter ?" Pythias — "O, my dear fellow, I've tut-t-t-t-t (objurgations), I've been writing to my tailor to give me another inch and a half in the waistband, and composed a valentine to my adored Anna, and — oh ! I've put 'em into the wrong en- velopes, and they're posted !" Letters of introduction should be brief and carefully worded. State in full the name of the person, and the city or town he is from, intimating the mutual pleasure that you feel the acquaintance will confer ; adding as few remarks as possible concerning the one introduced. Persons are some- times deterred from delivering letters of introduction which seem to them to be undeservedly complimentary. Letters of introduction are left unsealed, to be closed before delivery by the one introduced, who sends it with his card and direction, and waits until this formality is returned by a call, or by cards with an invitation. When a gentleman delivers such a letter to a lady, he is at liberty to call, sending up his card to ascertain whether she will receive him then, or appoint 22 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. another hour that will be more convenient. The same rule is to be observed by those whose stay in a city is short. A let- ter of introduction should not, as a general rule, be given, unless the person writing it is well acquainted with the one whom he introduces and the one to whom he writes. If the persons who receive such letters are really well bred, nothing but an accident will prevent you from hearing within twenty-four hours from them ; for as La Fontaine says, a letter of introduction is like a draft, it must be cashed at sight. The one receiving it, either invites you to dine enfamiUe, or to meet others, or at least asks you to drive with him, or visit some place of amusement. Too great caution, however, cannot be exercised in giving a letter which makes such demands upon an acquaintance. A gentleman in Boston once wrote to a friend in New York, introducing a foreigner of whom he knew nothing further than that he had met him at a dinner party at the house of a wealthy Bostonian, and had found him an agree- able and amusing table companion, musical, speaking sev- eral languages, and apparently highly cultivated. The New Yorker introduced him to his mother and sisters, en- tertained him, took him to his club, exerted himself to pro- cure invitations for him, and succeeded in launching him upon the tide of New York society. One day, after lunch- ing with his new friend at a well-known restaurant, they left together ; but upon returning alone in the course of the day to give some order, the New Yorker was accosted with the following question by one of the clerks : " I saw Ville- noy in here with you this morning, sir. lu what capacity does he serve you?" "Villenoy!" exclaimed the gentle- man, "Of whom are you speaking? I know no one bv the name of Villenoy." "I beg your pardon, sir; 1 thought there was some mistake when I saw you break- fasting together this morning." "There is no mistake LETTERS OF INTKODUOTION. 23 upon my part," replied the gentleman. "My friend, Mr. Hausenkroft, took luncheon with me. You have made the mistake, whatever it is." "Well, you see, sir, I could not be mistaken. I was clerk at the • Hotel at the time he -was coolc there. When he left, some silver disappeared ; but although he was followed and arrested, they couldn't prove anything against him. He was too sharp for that, sir. I thought he had gone back to Germany, when suddenly he turns up here. If you want proof of what I say, ask him to go with you to the Hotel, and you will get it." "I shall most certainly take my friend to that hotel in order that he may give the lie to such slanders," the gen- tleman answered promptly. " There may be some strong resemblance, but Mr. Hausenkroft is beyond suspicion." An hour later found him at his friend's lodging house, where the awkward accusation was revealed with as much consideration as possible, and the foreigner was requested to accompany his friend and clear up matters at once. He agreed to do so, with tha utmost coolness, said he had heard of such cases before ; in fact, had himself been taken for another person, and treated the grave charge so lightly as quite to reassure his friend, who had feared that he might give ofience, no matter how delicately he went to work in the matter. The New York gentleman left, agreeing to return the following morning, when they were to proceed to the hotel together. But when he did return, not a vestige of Hausenkroft, alias Villenoy, was to be found, nor were any of his effects left in his lodgings. All had disappeared together in some mysterious way; and nothing left behind but unpaid bills, which the friend pre- ferred to pay, as he had introduced him to his trades- people, unfortunately, as well as in society. In writing the superscription of foreign letters the word 24 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. "Monsieur" or "Madam" is not repeated as formerly, viz. : " JL Monsieur, Monsieur B.," but simply " Monsimr B." The custom is obsolete. In addressing notes of invi- tation to foreigners bearing titles, if your republican .sym- pathies are too strong to permit you to make use of the titles, you are at liberty to write "Mr. and Mrs." or " Mon- sieur et Madame;" but if you use the title for the husband you must also use it for the wife. You cannot write " Mar- quis and Madame de Villiers," or " Count and Madame de Launy." But even tho.se who, on the ground of republican preju- dices, object to titles, should not forget what civility re- quires in their intercourse with titled foreigners, unless they are willing to be classed in the category with those, of whom Montaigne affirms, that if they cannot attain to rank or greatness themselves, they take their revenge by railing at it in others. An Englishman, well known as a large landed proprie- tor in one of the southern counties of England, who lost no opportunity of asserting his hostility to titles to his baronet neighbor (a man whose ancestral name was in " Domesday Book "), at last had a baronetcy conferred upon him for distinguished legal services. Announcing this fact to his friend, he said, " My hostility against titles is in no way diminished, but I have decided to accept the baronetcy on my son's account, as he has not the same prejudices that I entertain." His railing ceased thereafter. As has been said, letters should never be crossed, even among relatives. It is very trying to the patience to re- ceive a crossed letter, or one written on too thin a sheet ; and one should be as careful with relatives as with strangers, to avoid all trials of patience. Formality be- tween friends and relatives is considered "bad form." One begins letters, to all with whom one is connected, by NOTES OF INVITATION. 25 using the baptismal name, as " My dear Lucy," or, " Dear Lucy." lu " old-school " times, it was customary, espe- cially among the descendants of the Puritans, for heads of families to address their married children, in speaking to them, or of them, as " Mr." and " Mrs." The oldest families in Europe address each other by their Christian names through almost endless removes. Everywhere, old fami- lies are very clannish, counting cousins to the twentieth re- move, where all the members are men and women of cul- ture. If wanting in education and refinement, one's rela- tions may become more disagreeable than other people's uncongenial relations. Owing to differences in education and training, and to frequent changes of fortune, one's poorest relatives are often more congenial than one's weal- thiest. Although it should be the pride as well as the duty of every family to remain as united as is possible, it is much better when want of congeniality makes it impos- sible for relatives to meet without clashing, or offending each other's sensibilities, to avoid all unnecessary inter- course. To insure one's own best development, one must have the companionship of those whose influence is good. The ceremonial of invitations is much changed of late years. Notes of invitation for evening parties are issued in the name of the lady of the house, as, " Mrs. John Smith requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Dudley* Jones's company on Monday evening, March 6th, from nine to twelve o'clock." The reply, if an acceptance, may be as follows : " Mr. and Mrs. Dudley Jones have much pleasure in accepting Mrs. John Smith's kind invitation for Monday evening, the 6th inst." * Care must be had never to separate the Mr. and Mrs. from the name, and the name itself must bo written on one line. 26 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Or, if a regret, " Mr. and Mrs. Dudley Jones regret that a previous engagement, to dine with Mrs. Blanic, deprives them of the pleasure of accepting Mrs. John Smith's Idnd invitation for Monday evening, March 6th." When the invitation is for a ball, the " At Home " form is now often adopted, with "Dancing" in one corner; though many still use the more formal invitation, reserving the "At Home" for receptions. For balls, the hours are not limited, as at receptions. The custom of the best society everywhere, which makes it binding to let nothing prevent the acceptance of a first invitation by those who customarily accept, is so little understood in some American circles that ladies have been heard to say, " Although I was dying to go, I sent a re- gret, as you know it would never do to seem eager to ac- cept." Can this also- be the reason why some are so dila- tory in sending their acceptances? True hospitality never dreams of accrediting the prompt fulfilment of duties to any other eagerness than that which self-respect and a sense of honor should require of all. Those who entertain frequently know too well the greater convenience of receiv- ing prompt answers ever to. be guilty of withholding them ; and those who do not entertain at all ought to be even more particular, if possible, in promptly replying. No matter what the invitation, it is always more civil to send an immediate regret when you know that you cannot go; and just as binding is it, where an acceptance has been sent, to send the required note of regret before the entertainment, when you find that you cannot be present. Oftentimes, persons are prevented from sending a note of explanation after having accepted an invitation, when they find themselves at the last moment unable to go, from the idea that they are of too little importance to be missed. In the same way, persons are often careless in writing their NOTES OF KEGRET. 27 notes of regret when a first invitation is received, omitting to state the reason. This feeling of humility should never be allowed to prevent the fulfilment of a courtesy, which is an obligation equally binding upon all. In illustration of the importance of sending a proper regret, though even at the last moment, an incident may be given which came under the compiler's notice many years since. A lady who gave a ball for a nobleman of a distinguished historical family, that had been sent by his king to this country on a mission, asked, at his solicitation, an American girl whom he had met in Washington, and whom he found particularly charming. The young lady, who never went to balls, sent an acceptance, and when the evening came, the foreigner waited for her arrival to ask her for the cotillion, but she did not appear. His annoyance was not lessened by learning afterwards, through a common friend, that she had accepted because she thought it was more civil than to send a regret, although she knew that she could not go, and that slie had considered herself of too little importance to write the re- quired note of explanation when the evening came. The hostess was the principal sufferer in this case, as hours of her time were taken up in convincing the foreigner that no rudeness was intended. Those persons who have lived in a society where all its members alike comprehend and perform their duties, feel great aversion to mingling in circles where such differences of opinion render one liable to repeated misuuderstandings and to annoying experiences. women who endeavor to shape their course upon Chris- tian principles should remember that the very young may err from this same humility, and should not, therefore, set down their remissnesses to self-conceit or want of respect for their superiors, where a charitable construction can be put upon their shortcomings. 28 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Of a very different nature are the evil words or deeds, rendered in return for benefits conferred, which admit of no cloak of charity. These need no illustration. Most heinous among them are such as are sown broadcast to in- jure the cliaracter; representations of rudeness, where no rudeness has been shown, of superciliousness, where no superciliousness has been felt, slurs cast upon families, where no cause has existed, save in the imagination of the talebearer. Despicable indeed is that character that can take any delight in exposing the weaknesses of a relative, a friend, or a benefactor ; how much more despicable is the person who invents them where they do not exist, who is capable of representing one from whom he has received nothing but kindness as a being to be classed in conduct with snobs, pretentious people, and silly upstarts. Whit- tier says : "Wlio gives and hides the giving hand, Nor counts on favors, fame or praise. Shall find his smallest gift outweighs The burden of the sea and land. Who gives to whom hath nought been given, His gift in need, though small indeed, As is the grass-blade's wind-blown seed, Is large as earth and rich as heaven. Forget it not, O man, to whom A gift shall fall, while yet on earth ; Yes, even to thy seven-fold birth Keeall it in the lives to come. Who broods above a wrong in thought Sins much; but greater sin is his Who, fed and clothed with kindnesses. Shall count the holy alms as nought. FORMS OF EXPRESSION. 29 "Who dares to curse the hands that hless Shall know of sin the deadliest cost ; The patience of the heaven is lost Beholding man's unthanljfulness. !Por he who breaks all laws may still In Sivara's mercy be forgiven ; But none can save in earth or heaven The wretch who answers good with ill. Let the man or the woman who answers good with ill by circulating inventions or misrepresentations of his bene- factors remember that they are sure to fall upon the ears of some true friend (among the many who listen) able to turn the reproach upon the shoulders where it ought to rest. From this long digression we turn to the form of accept- ances and regrets. The expression "presents compliments" has been dis- carded for quite a number of years by all who are not admirers of the old-school forms and ceremonies. It is as obsolete as the word " genteel ;" or as the word polite, which was formerly so much used by Americans in their acceptances and regrets, the English form of " kind " or "very kind," being now generally substituted for "polite." " I can give you no reason," says an English writer, "why these poor words 'polite,' 'present compliments,' and 'genteel,' are thought so vulgar; but it is quite certain that they mark the class to which you belong. They are tabooed or excluded in good society." The severest simplicity is consistent with the truest re- finement and the greatest elegance. The use of the words . "present compliments" and "your polite invitation" causes the style of the note to appear stilted and antiquated to modern ideas. Even when the word " polite " was more used than it is now, there were many who rebelled at it, so SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. on account of its seeming to imply that the person inviting could have written an invitation that was not polite. No abbreviation of names is allowable in invitations or in addresses, though initials may be used. Care must be taken to write the full name upon one line, and not Mr. and Mrs. on one line and the name on the next. In dates numerals are generally preferred. This often depends on the space, however. The handwriting varies so much in individuals that one needs practice to scatter the words, or condense them, in order to write invitations, acceptances, or regrets, as they should be written. Invitations for balls and large dinner parties are frequently engraved. Stationers are always able to show specimens. The " At Home " card admits of the name of the invited person being written above ; but this is not as much done- with us as in England. There the stationers always keep on hand a plain card with the words "at home" engraved in the centre, which is filled up by those invit- ing, as they choose. Our stationers might easily introduce these cards here, which would be a great convenience to those who entertain frequently, and do not care to use the more formal card with the invitation engraved upon it. Invitations of a formal description can be sent out from ten days to two weeks before the party is to take place. In any case a notice of not less than a week is expected for such invitations. They should be written or engraved on small note-paper or large cards, with the envelopes to match, and no colors used in the monogram or arms. It is not considered good form to inclose one card of in- vitation to several persons, addressing them as Messrs. or as Mrs. Blank and family. But invitations are some- times sent in this way by those who care little for rules ACCEPTANCES AND KEGKETS. 31 which do not involve a violation of the principle upon which all rules of good breeding are based, viz., a due re- gard for the feelings of others. A scarcity of cards, or haste in sending out invitations being the cause, both of which should be avoided where it is possible. Those who have been trained to make a difference between "reason- able and unreasonable points of etiquette," often set con- ventionalities at defiance with a boldness that startles those who hold the idea that the etiquette of polite life is written in a despotic code, and that those who obey any of it are not excused from obeying the whole. As an example of a rule that is binding upon all per- sons, and which has no exceptions, is the one which re- quires that should anything occur at the last moment to prevent the attendance of a person who has accepted an invitation, a regret shall be immediately sent. This rule cannot be too strictly observed, for there should be but one opinion regarding the rudeness of sending an acceptance, and of staying away without apologizing for so doing. Although the host and hostess may not miss any of their expected guests on the evening of their entertain- ment, rest assured they will not fail, in going over their list of acceptances and regrets afterwards, to miss those who accepted and did not arrive. We have heard that there are many persons who hold the opinion of the young lady, that it is more civil to send an acceptance than to send a regret, when they know they will not be able to be present. This seems absurdly incredible to those who know what civility requires. Self-respect requires the observance of certain forms of courtesy quite as much as respect for others, and this is a form that is strictly observed in the best so- ciety. The Marchioness de Lambert said, in a tract that she wrote for her sou : " A man's happiness depends on his manners and his conduct, and a disregard of observances 32 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. reflects not only upon his own nature, but upon his early training." Never use the word "avail" or "preclude" in notes of acceptance and regret. iNever say you "loill" have the pleasure of accepting, as it is not good English : " will " being in the future tense, and "accepting" in the present. This mistake is constantly made, out of sheer thoughtless- ness, by persons of culture, but it should be guarded against by all who have no fondness for murdering " the king's English." It will be seen that the usual mode adopted for all formal invitations, acceptances, and regrets, by the best- bred English and American persons, admits of little varia- tion. The least formal of formal invitations is when the lady sends or leaves her own visiting-card, with the invita- tion upon it. An invitation of this sort is not to be an- swered unless an R. S. V. P. is on the card. You go, or not, as you please ; and, in the latter case, you call, or leave a card, as soon after as is convenient. If you go, it is the same as at kettle-drums, you do not call afterwards. Long verbal apologies are never necessary from those who have been unable to accept an invitation of any kind, if they have done their duty. Word your regret properly, and send your answer promptly, and nothing further is neces- sary or expected beyond the brief allusion which civility requires upon the first occasion of meeting after the enter- tainment. Never fail to make an opportunity, though with inconvenience to yourself, in which to express your thanks or )'our regret, but any labored apology for non-appearance is bad form. Ladies who entertain frequently, and in large numbers, seldom remember who regret or who accept beyond their circle of especial friends, unless there is some neglect that implies rudeness to fasten some cases in their memory. The feeling of those who entertain for the purpose of con- DINNER INVITATIONS. 33 tributing their quota to the general pleasure, is often that which a charming hostess once expressed with great naivety in saying : " Those who come I shall bte delighted to see, and those who do not come — ^it is all the same, as long as they have received their invitations." Often the only return that the young can make to the matron who has entertained them is the rendering a prompt and courteous reply, which all expect to receive who have been trained to think it rude to delay an answer or to write a curt reply, and the call afterwards which civility requires in acknowledgment. If this is too much to expect in this century of license in speech, and manners, and morals, it will not be a matter of surprise if it soon becomes too much trouble for ladies to throw open their houses for purposes of hospitality. The difference between a courteous and an uneourteous answer must be touched upon. " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith rfegret that they cannot accept Mrs. Dudley's invitation for Friday- evening" is not a civil form for a regret. A still ruder form : "Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith ' decline Mrs. Mortimer Dudley's invitation for Friday evening." . Some persons write.their regrets in this manner : " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith's compliments and regrets for Fri- day evening." All these curt answers to the kindly worded invitation of those who entertain, are more frequently the result of carelessness in their writers than of premeditated rudeness. Dinner invitations are written or engraved in the name of the husband and wife : " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer Dudley's company at dinner, on Tuesday, the 18th of Feb- ruary, at seven o'clock." 3 34 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. If accepted, the answer is as follows : " Mr. and Mrs. Mortimer Dudley accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith's kind invitation to dine with them on Tuesday, the 18th inst., at seven o'clock." Another grammatical error, almost as frequently made as the "will accept" for "accepts," is in using the words " to dinner " instead of " for dinner," or, " to dine." " To dinner" is neither grammatical nor euphonious, yet it is a combination often used by persons who certainly must know better, and is found in some of the best books on etiquette. All answers to invitations are addressed to the lady who invites ; not to " Mr. and Mrs. Blank." Dinner, opera, and theatre-party invitations are an- swered as soon as received, and unequivocally accepted or declined. It is quite as important to a-nswer invitations to opera and theatre-parties promptly, as it is to answer dinner in- vitations immediately after receiving them. The one who makes up the party wishes to fill the seat at once. A gen- tleman taking a proscenium box, which holds eight or ten persons, seated comfortably, is sometimes incommoded by the thoughtlessness of an eleventh, who, instead of drop- ping in for the ten minutes' call permissible between the acts, comes to remain during an entire act, occupying the seat of one of those who were invited for the evening. The length of the stay makes no difference whatever in those boxes, where the invited are packed as sardines are, more with reference to making a spectacle for the house than for the comfort of the invited. Gentlemen should discriminate between the two, and time their calls accord- ingly, " So, you sent a gentleman out of your box who came rOKMS OF REaRETS. 35 when lie was not invited, telling him there was no room for him," said one friend to another. " You knoAV me too well to believe snch an invention, but you need not deny it, as those jjersons who could think me capable of such a rudeness, would also believe me ca- pable of telling a falsehood to cover it," was the answer. An invitation to a lady's opera-box, or theatre-party, where there has been no entertainment preceding or after, such as a dinner or a supper, does not require any "after- call," unless it is' a first invitation ; as thanks for the atten- tion can be given when taking leave of the lady in her box, or when seeing her to her carriage, as the case may be. To return to the form of regrets, we find the following rule in " London Etiquette :" " All regrets from persons who are not able to accept invitations should contain a rea- son for regretting." This rule is as strictly observed in our best society as it is abroad, and is considered especially binding in answering a first invitation. It is said that outside of diplomatic circles there are no ladies more punc- tilious in the observance of traditionary rules than are some ladies in the exclusive circles of New York, Philadel- phia, and Boston society. Persons in mourning regret that a recent bereavement prevents them from accepting; or, if the note-paper has the usual black edge that custom ordains, it speaks for it- self and needs no other explanation. Those who are going to be absent from the city, regret that intended absence prevents them from accepting (not " will prevent," should be borne in mind, as this is a mistake that is constantly- made), "A previous engagement" is made the excuse when there is an engagement at home, or away from it, and when one has no inclination to accept ; which makes it quite necessary for those who really regret their inability, to mention what their engagement is. 36 SHNSIBLK ETIQUETTE. A first iuvitation which has not beeu accepted should not, as a rule, be repeated, until a courtesy of some kind has been extended in return, though it be but a kind mes- sage, or an informal note, expressing renewed regret. Kind hearts are better prompters than rules in such mat- ters, and all who love to confer kindnesses on others well know how pleasant it is to receive the simplest token of appreciation in return. A lady, who once received a few sprays of the wild ar- butus blossom, left at her door by some' unknown friend, cannot to this day recall the circumstance without awaken- ing memories of the exquisite pleasure which this attention gave her ; not only because the arbutus was associated with many memories of her girlhood, but because of the kind feeling which the bestowed attention manifested, and which came to her in moments of depression. The sweet breath of the flowers seemed to say : " See ! although the hands that once gathered these fragrant blossoms for you are cold in death, you are not forgotten. A ministering angel has brought them to you just when you needed them most." In writing a regret, there are circumstances evident to every sensitive mind, under which "very kind" is often substituted for " kind," and still others when " regret ex- tremely " is more courteous than " regret." These need no explanation, for there are but few natures not able to judge for themselves. The following are the forms that are most frequently used : ■ " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith are not able to accept the kind invi- tation of Mrs. Dudley, owing to the death of a near relative." If illness is the cause of a regret : " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith regret that they are not able to ac- cept Mrs. Dudley's kind invitation, owing to the illness of a member of their family." PROMPT REPLIES TO INVITATIONS. 37 Or if absence from home prevents: "Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith regret (or regret extremely) that their intended absence from home deprives them of the pleasure of ac- cepting Mrs. Dudley's kind invitation for Friday evening, the 17th instant." "All invitations should be answered as soon as possible after receiving them." It is easy to see why it is that in the most exclusive European society this rule is punctil- iously regarded. If invitations were thrown one side, to be answered at leisure, as is so frequently done with us, the multiplicity of engagements would lead to entire forgetful- ness, and to one of the most unpardonable of all rudenesses, no notice taken of the , invitation. A well-bred London man answers all invitations as soon as he reads them ; and frequently in his bachelor apartments arranges them in turn down either side of his mirror, so that, at a glance upon the open pages of each, he sees what his engagements are for weeks before him. The French have a saying that is applicable to all notes of invitation, to the effect that " it is as important to reply as promptly to a note requiring an ansiver as it is to a ques- tion asked in speaking." Until very recently, the initials R. S. V. P. {Mpondez s'il vous plait) have been engraved upon all formal cards, but they are less and less frequently seen. To thus ask or even remind a lady or gentleman that an invitation should be answered, is, to say the least, a faint reproach to their breeding. All refined people -vKhq are accustomed to the best social forms are fully aware that it would be an unpardonable negligence to omit replying to an invita- tion for a single day. Although it is not intended as an insult to an acquaintance's intelligence, it is one, neverthe- less,, writes the author of that valuable work, " Social Eti- quette in New York." 38 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. An English book on modern etiquette says: "On re- ceiving an invitation to an evening party, an 'At Home,' or whatever it may happen to be, reply within a day or two at latest." Another work on the same subject, by the Right Honorable the Countess of * * * *, says, " Invita,- tions to a ball should be answered immediately." It is well known that some who admit that dinner invitations should be answered the same day, deny the necessity of ball invitations being answered promptly. In a case of this kind a foreigner who was a bachelor was once referred to. He decided against the lady, who advocated prompt replies to all invitations, and said that no answers were expected in his country. Great was his astonishment upon returning home to find that answers were expected, and that the bearers of formal invitations waited for the answers. When next he met the lady he candidly acknowledged his error, and she laughingly told him that as long as he re- mained unmarried he would not be very reliable authority in such matters. "The Man in the Club Window" made mistakes in his sensible book that he would not have made had he had a wife or mother to instruct him. In accepting a dinner invitation repeat the hour named, in order that if any mistake has been made it may be cor- rected. Upon one occasion, at a dinner given for some distinguished strangers at the house of a gentleman in New- port, whose long experience in entertaining rendered it almost impossible that he could make a mistake of any description, a lady found herself the first to arrive, although she had heard the hour designated in her invitation strike as she descended from the carriage. Inquiring of a servant, she found that she was just one hour too soon. Her car- riage was already dismissed, and she had nothing to do but to wait. A few moments later she heard the welcpme sound of wheels rolling over the gravel as a companion in PROMPT REPLIES TO INVITATIONS. 39 misfortune drove up; but the occupant, finding all silent, had the forethought to inquire whether any mistake had been made in the hour, and learning that there had been, drove away. When this gentleman i-eturned, he brought with him his invitation, which was clearly worded for the hour previous to the one which the host thought he had named in all his invitations. Had the above simple rule been observed in the replies of the lady and gentleman the mistake could have been rectified, and both would have been saved the awkwardness of arriving before the hour. A host should never wait over fifteen minutes for a tardy guest, as by so doing he commits a rudeness towards all those who arrive punctually. It is a very good idea to note down in all invitation books any inexcusable tardiness against the name, in order to avoid repeating dinner invi- tations to such delinquents. For musical soirees, charades, private theatricals, and for opera, theatre, archery, croquet, sailing, and garden parties less formal invitations are sent ; but no matter how infor- mal the invitation (with the one exception of when a visit- ing-card is used), on no account neglect to give immediate attention to it; any want of courtesy in this respect is un- pardonable. It would go far towards facilitating the prompt replies to invitations which civility requires, if the plan of sending all answers to invitations by post were adopted. In most families in America the servants have sufficient to occupy them, previous to the appointed evening, without being called off every five or ten minutes to receive notes at the door, that might just as well have been left all together by the postman on his rounds. Those who consider it in better form to send such notes by their own servants, should ask themselves if soiiielliing is not due to the known wishes of those who entertain ; and we have yet to hear of 40 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. one host or hostess, who entertains frequently, that does not prefer to receive the answers to his or her invitations in this sensible manner. In some cities on the Continent, the servant delivering dinner and other invitations waits for an answer. Failing to find the person invited at home, he returns to his mistress with the message that an answer will be sent, which accordingly arrives in the course of the day. In invitations for continental royal balls, the card sometimes bears the following instruction: "En easd' em- piohement on est prii de renvoyer cette oarfe;" which shows that crowned heads even desire answers. An Eng- lish lady of distinction was once asked whether it was customary in London to repeat invitations to those who neglected to manifest their appreciation of the hospitality extended to them by the customary mode of calling, or leav- ing a card after the entertainmenti She replied, " I cannot answer for others. I dare say thei'e are houses in London where it would make no difference, but I would not pass over such a breach of good manners myself, nor do I know any lady who I think would." A picture in Punch, not long since, illustrated the faith- fulness with which this rule is carried out in London. One flunkey is complaining to another, who asks him if it is the ball that his mistress has just given which has so knocked him up. " Not the ball," he answers, " but taking in the cards the next day." A book published in London, Paris, and New York, entitled " Manners of Modern Society," though not en- tirely free, from errors, is replete with information, and has many excellent ideas in it. Upon this subject the writer says : " There is something to be said in defence of the gentlemen, their days are occupied with other and more serious business, their evenings can be given to their friends, and so they thus escape the monotony of calling, and yet EXCEPTIONS TO GENERAL RULES. 41 are allowed to enjoy the festive gatherings, provided, of course, that their cards have duly represented their owners at the houses of their acquaintances." Many of the faults in this book, as also in all books upon the manners of society, lie in the fact that their writers lay down general rules, without mentioning that there are ex- ceptions. Others arise from rules having been made to meet certain conditions of society that do not exist with us, as, for instance, the absurd one, " It is the lady's place to bow first to a gentleman," made solely for English society; and then only under certain contingencies, the reasons for which are explained in another chapter. Efforts made to establish rules here which have been adopted to suit other forms of society than those existing in America, should not be encouraged. Every social rule of any importance whatever will be found, if examined into, to hold some reason for its observance, as, for instance, the old-fashioned custom of drawing off the right hand glove before shaking hands' with a lady, which some gentlemen still practice. This custom had its origin in feudal times, when the pressure of the iron glove would have been pain- ful. When any rule is given that will not bear examina- tion as to the reason of its existence, one may safely con- clude either that its need has gone by, or that it belongs to another land than our own. There are still many gentlemen who advocate drawing off the. right-hand glove before shaking hands with any one who is ungloved, holding it especially binding that a gentleman should not give a gloved hand to a lady that is ungloved. In some parts of Europe, a lady, receiving, leaves her right hand ungloved, and guests enter the salon with the same hand ungloved. The contradictory instructions given in all books treat- ing upon matters of etiquette, is owing in part to the vary- 4:2 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ing customs of various countries, and partly to the fact that such books are generally written upon speculation, without their authors having been able to test the usefulness of the rules by experience, or to judge by observation as to the correctness of the information gleaned. In illustration of a general rule being given without any allusion to exceptions, take that in reference to letters of introduction : " Never deliver a letter of introduction in person." Here is the i-ule ; but if the bearer of a letter of introduction is going to make a limited stay in a city, his only opportunity of receiving any attention, or even of meeting the one to whom the letter is addressed, is to de- liver it in person. Again, if the letter introduces a gen- tleman to r. lady, it is certainly much more agreeable for both, when the gentleman calls, sending up his letter with his card, and waiting to see if the hour he has chosen is a convenient one for his being received. One of the reasons given by the Countess of ■ why no one should deliver a letter of introduction in person, in her book, " Mixing in Society " (page 76), is as follows: "You compel those to whom you are intro- duced to receive you, whether they choose or not. It may be that they are sufficiently ill-bred to take no notice of the letter when sent; and in such case, if you presented yourself with it, they would most probably receive you with rudeness." This assertion, in reference to compelling a reception, only holds good in circles where its members have been trained never to permit the rudeness of allowing callers to be shown in and out again, without seeing any of those upon whom the call is made ; and as long as there are fami- lies who are so uncivil as to do this, without offering any apology, those who present their letters in person must go prepared for such a result. Another rule that may be cited INVITATIONS TO MARRIED PERSONS. 43 is the following, which, perfectly true in its general sense, has many exceptions : The Rule. — " You cannot invite people to your house until you have first called upon them in a formal manner and they have returned the visit." The reason for such a rule is given in the following words : " This acts as a safeguard against forming undesir- able acquaintances," which, in itself, reveals to sensible people how many exceptions there must be to such a rule. Where families have been known to each other for a long time; where any degree of intimacy exists between any of the members of the two families ; where the lady inviting is much older than the one she invites ; and where there is too little time for the interchange of such civilities; are a few only of the many exceptions that prove the desirability of the general rule. Where an informal invitation is sent, under any of the above-named conditions, no cards are inclosed. When the invitation is formal, cards can be made to represent a call, although the courtesy is the same without the cards as with them. When invitations are not accepted and no call made within the customary time afterwards by those who are invited, it is understood that the acquaintance is not desired. But as it is considered uncourteous when no call is made after invitations have been extended, it is quite as easy to make the one call that common civility requires end the visiting, as to leave it unmade. In eases where for some reason a husband is to be invited, and those inviting do not wish to make the acquaintance of his wife, the invitation must be sent to both or to neither, if any ladies are invited. It is impossible to show a greater social affront to a man, than to invite him without inviting his wife, if, either by instinct or training, he feels any insult shown to his wife as keenly as he would if shown to him- 44 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. self. Men thus invited sometimes go, expecting naturally to find only men entertained : but such a wanton insult — shown to himself as well as to his wife — could never be overlooked by any gentleman, unless it had arisen from un manque absolu d'eduoation. In fast circles, defiant of the proprieties of life, this acme of incivility is indulged in, by those who know better. A brutal rudeness under all circumstances. Even to kettle-drums, that institution for women, the husbands must all be invited, if any are, leaving it optional with them to go or to stay away. As is well known, "an overwhelming majority" stay away. Some years ago a diplomatist married a woman of no reputation, and took her to an American watering-place for the summer. He was invited to dine at the house of an acquaintance, but no mention of his wife was made in the invitation. The excuse given in his family by the would-be host for this rudeness was, that the diplomatist had not announced his marriage to him ; and that even had the marriage taken place, he did not wish to see at his table a woman of more than doubtful character. The invitation was accepted, the dinner — a large one of ladies and gentle- men — arranged with the diplomatist as the guest of honor; when, lo ! he did not appear, and the dinner had to be served without him. He had accepted under the supposi- tion that only men were to be invited, and learning to the contrary, he gave a merited rebuke to his acquaintance in the note of apology which he sent, saying that the sudden illness of his wife detained him. Either the dinner should have included only gentlemen, or the Baron should not have been invited. Here comes in the application of that divine command .upon which all laws of social intercourse that are worth regarding are based : " Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Had the host and hostess possessed that kindness of heart which goes far to- EUDBNESS. 45 ■wards atoning for unintentional breaches of etiquette, their course would have been such as would have avoided the unnecessary wounding of the feelings of others, and they would themselves have been spared the annoyance of giv- ing a dinner for a foreign minister who did not appear as their guest. Impartial lookers-on always have harsh judgments for the rude and the unmannerly. There would be fewer such members of society, less ill-bred conduct, if people did but realize how much more they hurt themselves than they do others when they betray any vulgarity of nature. " This is the first time that I was ever in this house, and it is the last time," said a guest in a dressing-room, as she was donning her wraps preparatory to her departure from an evening party. "I dare say it is the first time you were ever invited, and after such a speech I hope it will be the last time," was the thought that passed through the mind of one who heard it. More recently a story has been going the rounds, the names having been carefully with- held, yet vouched for as to veracity. Two ladies meeting at a musical party, given at a watering-place, one accosted the other as follows : " We often meet, but you are so near- sighted that you never know me." " I am not near-sighted at all," was the curt reply. " I beg your pardon ; I thought you were." "Not at all, I had the pleasure of cutting you some time ago." As the story goes, the lady made no answer, but bowed and left the room, feeling sick at heart. Surely, those who witnessed the scene must have felt that she had nothing to regret in encountering a rudeness which terminated all intercourse with such an acquaintance, if the facts were stated correctly. Those who object to illustrations drawn from actual 46 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. occurrences must remember, in extenuation, that not only- Holy Writ abounds with them, but that it is by seeing our- selves as others see us that we are able to correct our faults and our manners, and to aim to set a better example in future. A true woman of the world will not betray her aston- ishment at any violation of conventional rules, least of all will she make it her province to punish those who do vio- late them, but rather pass them over as springing from ignorance or thoughtlessness. But writers are not gen- erally/ women of the world, and it is the author's province to hold the mirror up to nature, and to use all the argu- ments and illustrations in his power to impress upon the minds of youth tlie fact that both ignorance and thought- lessness are vulgarities. Zimmerman tells us that to enter- tain and benefit readers, authors must deliver freely in writing that which in the general intercourse of society it would be impossible to say either with safety or politeness. They may even decompose the state of their own minds, he adds, and make observations on their own chtiracters, for the benefit of other men, rather than leave their bodies by will to professors of anatomy. An author must speak in the language of truth ; in society a man is in the con- stant habit of feeling it only, for he must impose a neces- sary silence upon his lips. The manners of men are formed by intercourse with the world, and their characters by re- tiring into solitude. A knowledge of the world gives rich- ness and brilliancy to our thoughts, and teaches us to make a wise and happy application of them, while solitude and self-communion are indispensably necessary to give them a just, solid, firm, and forcible tone. The powers of the human soul are more extensive than they are iu general imagined to be; and he who, urged by inclination, or com- pelled by necessity, most frequently exerts them, will soon SELF-COMMUNION. 47 ■find that the highest felicities of which our nature is capa- ble reside entirely within ourselves. When Antisthenes was asked what servjce he had received from philosophy, he answered, " It has taught me to subdue myself." Pope said that he never laid his head upon his pillow without reflecting that the most important lesson of life was to learn the art of being happy within himself. All those who are capable of living contentedly at home, who enjoy the pri- vacy of study, and the elegant recreation which books afford, who love every object by which they are surrounded, have not only found what Pope sought, but have learned how to bear most misfortunes. We never feel with higher energy and satisfaction, with greater comfort and cordiality, that we live, 'think, are reasonable beings, self-active, free, capable of the most sublime exertions, and partaking of immortality, than in those moments when we shut the door against the intrusions of impertinence and fashion, says the same author, continuing, — separated by distance from our friends, we feel ourselves deprived of the company of those who are dearest to our hearts; and to relieve the dreary void, we aspire to the most sublime efforts, and adopt the boldest resolutions. On the contrary, while we are under the protecting care of friendship and love, while their kind offices supply all our wants, and their affectionate embraces lock us eternally in their arms, we forget, in the blandish- ments of such a state, almost the faculty of self-motion, and lose sight of the powers within us. Thus, denied what our hearts crave, we learn, in fixing the mind upon dis- charging the duties of humanity, and in conquering the difficulties in our paths, that inexpressible tranquillity and satisfaction which the soul feels when, contented within itself, it seeks no higher pleasure. How soon, alas ! the dignity of the human character be- comes debased by associating with low and little minds. 48 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. which should reconcile us to those events of life which force us into comparative solitude. There are none who have reached middle life who cannot, in looking back, see how unhappy they would be had tlif Divine Providence granted them everything that they desired. Even under the very afflictions by which man conceives all the happi- ness of his life annihilated, God purposes something extra- ordinary in his favor. New circumstances excite new exertions. He who tries every expedient — who boldly opposes himself to every difficulty — who stands ready and inflexible to every obstacle — who neglects no exertion within his power, and relies with confidence upon the assistance of God, extracts from affliction both its poison and its sting, and deprives misfortune of its victory. When we reflect that character is the only jjermanent possession that we can have — that all other mental posses- sions are to the spiritual body only what clothing is to the natural body — something put on and taken off as circum- stances vary — and that character is all that we can take away with us when we leave this life for the life beyond the grave, then it is that the truth forces itself upon us, that neither wealth nor poverty, neither strength nor weak- ness, neither genius nor the want of it, neither ten talents nor one, can excuse any human being from training his faculties in a way to develop them to the utmost, and form- ing them into a symmetrical whole. Where the law of kindness is the law of life in conduct, there will be found a character perfecting itself by preparation for that hour when all other possessions fail. For there is a transient and a permanent side to all our mental attributes, as in manners — the most external of them all. So far as we habituate ourselves to courtesy and good breeding because we shall stand better with the world if we are civil than if we are rude, we are cultivating a merely -external habit, TllUE MANNERS. 49 wliich we shall be likely to throw off as often as we think it safe to go without it, as we should an uncomfortably fit- ting garment; and oiyi manners do not belong to our char- acters any more than our clothing belongs to our persons. This' is the transient side of manners. If, on the contrary, we are civil from an inward conviction that civility is one of the forms of love to our neighbor, and because we be- lieve that in being civil we are performing a duty that our neighbor has a right to claim from us, and because civility is a trait we love for its own inherent beauty, our manners then belong to the substance of our character — they are not its garment ; and this is the permanent side of manners. Such manners we carry with us into that life of perpetual advance that stretches forward into eternity. 50 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER II. GENERAL INSTETJCTIONS — CALLS ANB CAEDS — RULES FOB "WATERING-PLACES — THE SOCIAL DOGBERRY— PROOFS OF GOOD BREEDING — NUISANCES IN SOCIETY. "Who comes to make a formal call, Merely to criticize us all, "When severed by tlie party wall 7 My neighbor l^Punch. "Well-dressed, well-bred, well-carriaged Is ticket good enough to pass us readily Through every door. — Coiitper. To the unrefined or the underbred person the visiting card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of paper ; but to the cultured disciple of soqjai law it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its tex- ture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name it bears in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his manners, conversation and feee have been able to explain his social position. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful is it to preserve the elegance of its so- cial forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so that its recipients shall say to themselves, " A whimsical person," nor too large, to suggest ostentation. Eofinemont seldom touches extremes in anything. — Home Journal. Miss Burney, in her novel of " Evelina," says, " I think, there ought to be a book of the laws and customs d. la mode, presented to yonng people upon their introduction into public company." To some persons such a book may seem unnecessary in America (however important it may be for novices in Eng- IMPORTANCE OF BOOKS ON ETIQUETTE. 51 lish society), for the reason that our ceremonies are so few and so simple, that all who have been well trained are supposed to understand them, jilowever, at second thought, it will be remembered that cu^Wns are continually changing, and that mothers in America, with large families of children, some- times allow fifteen or twenty years to pass without troub- ling themselves about much that is outside of their own nurseries or households. When the seeming interests of a grown-up daughter demand that the mother shall herself return to society, she, feeling both indifFerent and rusty, prefers to trust her child to the chaperonage of some rela- tive or friend. It does not always happen that the matron whom she selects is capable of instructing her charge, or it may be that it does not occur to her that the young girl given over to her care needs any such instruction. Again, take young persons of either sex who have been educated in the country, and bring them into the society of a city, what means have they of learning its customs, ex- cepting through dearly bought lessons of experience, which their sensibility might well have been spared had such a book as Miss Burney proposed been put into their hands. Good breeding is the same in the country as in the city, it is true, but customs vary in different sections. Bulwer says : " Just as the drilled soldier seems a much finer fellow than the raw recruit, because he knows how to carry himself, but after a year's discipline the raw recruit may excel in martial air the upright hero whom he now despairingly admires, and never dreams he can rival ; so set a mind from a village into the drill of a capital, and see it a year after ; it may tower a head higher than its re- cruiting sergeant." It is the constant drilling of parents and teachers, line upon line, precept upon precept, that is needed with the young. The uncultivated who ridicule this drilling, who 52 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. refuse to observe the forms that the cultivated adopt, not only expose their own deficient training, but their conduct gives increased testimony to the ne|fcsity that exists for a more general understanding of thS^ laws of social life which, like the laws of the universe, prevent all things from returning to chaos. Some of these laws of social life, like the laws of civil life, differ in different lands ; although not those that are the most essential in the regulation of conduct and behavior. Everywhere children are taught that affectation and pretence are vulgarities ; that it is a vulgarity to yawn without making some effort to suppress it, or without concealing the mouth ; to whistle or hum in the presence of older persons, whether in railway cars or in houses, or to make any monotonous noise with feet or hands, beating time, etc., to play with napkin rings, or with any article at the table during meal-time, to pick the teeth with the fingers, to cut or clean the nails outside of one's dressing-room, to lounge anywhere in the presence of company, to place the elbows on the table, or to lean upon it while eating, to take hold of persons or to touch them with familiarity while talking with them, to speak of ab- sent persons by their first names when you would not so address them if they were present, to acquire the habit of saying "you know," "says he" and "says she;" to use slang words, to tattle, to scratch the head or person, to whisper in company, to hide the mouth with the hand when speaking, to point at any one or anything with the finger, to stare at persons, to laugh at one's own stories or remarks, to toss articles instead of handing them, and to take anything without thanking the one who waits upon you (excepting at table) be it a superior, an equal, or an inferior. Every- where, also, children are taught that it is a rudeness to stand in the way without instantly moving when another tries to pass ; not to say " I beg pardon " when you have in any BREACHES OP GOOD MANNERS. 53 way inconvenienced some one ; starting up suddenly and • rushing from the room without asking to be excused; going before older persons^ho are entitled to precede you, when leaving a room with^pm ; leaving the table with food in the mouth ; taking possession of a seat that belongs to another, and not rising instantly upon his return ; leaving any one without saying " good-bye," or giving at least a bow; inter- rupting any one in conversation; contradicting, pushing, or even coming in contact with another unintentionally, with- out begging pardon for the seeming rudeness ; want of punc- tuality; neglecting to answer notes and letters promptly, especially those requiring information; ridiculing- others; passing any one whom you know without speaking, with whom you are on speaking terms ; keeping the hat on in the house in the presence of a lady ; and many, many other equally important things which are looked upon in the same light everywhere. In all cultivated society these breaches of good manners, with many others too numerous to men- tion, are regarded either as vulgarities or as rudenesses. They denote want of early training or a coarse nature not susceptible of refinement, for manners are the fruits of mind. Not so, however, with the practice or the neglect of vary- ing social laws ; such as are acquired either by mixing with the world or by that self-culture which leads a man to keep himself acquainted with the customs of the day. Good birth and good training are the privileges of the few; but the habits and manners of a gentleman may be acquired by any man who possesses a desire to add the graces of high culture to those acquisitions of the understanding which are the essentials of culture. Some of these varying social laws are involved in the ceremony of leaving cards ; which laws have been derided during the course of many years as meaningless and stupid by the ignorant, as well as by many whose visiting is of such a simple character that 54 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ho rules have been needed by them to regulate ceremonious calls. It is but four years ago that the author of an article OQ " Pasteboard Politeness" sneered at the various uses made of visiting cards in such a wa|^s to demonstrate an ignorance of long-established customs worthy of Rip Van Winkle himselt after his long slumber. But those who have been educated from their youth to look upon certain forms as necessary to save themselves and others from in- conveniences attendant upon a large acquaintance, and who know that by adopting these forms they are enabled to keep up ceremonious visiting with a circle too large for friendly intercourse, do not need to be told by this author that "the highest point o(gentilify(?) is reached by the use of visiting cards." They know their various uses, and no sneers, no misrepresentations will deter them from the sen- sible application which prescribed rules permit, for the saving of time and the fulfilment of required courtesies. Tliey ought also to know that the use of the words " gen- tility " and "genteel " mark the class to which they belong, as they are not used in good society. It is the rules for visits of form or ceremonious calls that we now review,- to see which are best adapted to our mode of life. The custom of making formal morning calls is only submitted to because of its absolute necessity ; calls being, in part, the basis upon which that great structure, society, mainly rests. American men are excused from morning calls because their days are occupied with busi- ness as a general rule ; but, in order that they may be re- membered by those who entertain, their cards are made to represent their owners, and are left either by some member of their respective families or by some acquaintance calling. Many of our men have adopted the sensible custom of call- ing in the evening, where they wish to do more than leave a card. All the strain which general society necessitates CALLS AND CAKDS. 55 is thrown off then, and acquaintance has an opportunity of ripening into friendship. When a gentleman is not ad- mitted the first time he calls, he leaves one card for the married lady of the lAse, one for her husband, both turned down, and one folded across the middle, for the remaining members of the family — daughters and sons. Upon sub- sequent occasions, until the year comes around again, he need not leave more than one card when calling, unless he prefers to do so ; this card so folded as to imply that it is left for the family. After any invitation he calls or sends a card, or, if a married man, his wife calls and leaves his card with her own, during the week following the entertain- ment. If one of the cards bears their names together, as " Mr. and Mrs. Ernest Smith," this card turned down is left for the lady, if she is not receiving; and one, with the husband's name alone, is left for the host, not turned, un- less he has called in person. No separate cards of the hus- band need be left upon the unmarried members of a family, unless one of them has left a card upon him, or their age is such as to require it ; or when other exceptions make it desirable to do so. No lady leaves 'her own card upon a gentleman, nor a card bearing her own name with that of her husband. If guests are stopping in the house, cards must also be left upon them ; or, if calling upon guests, where you do not know the host and hostess, you must inquire if the ladies are at home, and, not being ad- mitted, leave cards for the host and hostess, as well as for the guests ; as this is one of the first requirements of good breeding. There are many who would like to dispense with this formality, who still feel themselves obliged to observe it because of their early training. There are many others who give evidence of the lack of proper instruction in their youth by making use of the house of those who are stran- gers to them with as much freedom and as little courtesy 56 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. toward its occupants as if it were a hotel. " It is not a New York custom to leave cards in this way," said a lady. The reply was, " I do not know what the customs of to- day are in all, New York society, bj|t I do know that the old families observe the same punctilious respect to the required courtesies of life as they ever did, where their mothers have been women capable of teaching their chil- dren those duties that self-respect and respect for the claims of others require of them." After an interchange of cards, the acquaintance drops, unless followed by an invitation upon one side or the other. Where a first invitation is not accepted, and no reason is given for it other than that expressed in the usual form of regret, the invitation ought not to be repeated. Among the people of the highest cultivation it is binding to show one's appreciation of a first invitation by a cordial accept- ance, if one desires to keep the acquaintance, and by allowing nothing that can be controlled to prevent one from going. Still, circumstances may be such as to make it impossible, and then an informal note of explanation is courteous. Such calls as have'been enumerated come under the head of genera] calls ; as also do calls that are made upon per- sons on one's visiting list who have been absent from their homes, either for a long foreign tour, or only for a limited time, as for the summer. In the latter case, the younger call first upon the elder ; or, where the ages are the same, those who return first in the autumn call first upon those who arrive later, unless there has been some remissness during the previous year, when the one who owes the cus- tomary visit after an invitation calls first, without refer- ence to age or time of return. P. P. C. cards are no longer left when the absence from home is only for a few months, as for the summer; nor are they left by persons starting in midsummer for a foreign CALLS AND CARDS. 57 country, as residents are then supposed to be out of town. At watering-places and country estates, calls are made upon those who arrive later. At places of summer resort, those ■who own their cottagel call first upon those who rent them ; aud those who rent, in turn, call upon each other, accord- ing to the priority of arrival ; while both those who own and those who rent call first upon friends arriving at the hotels. In all these cases exceptions should be made where there is any great difference in the age ; the younger then calling upon the elder, if there has been a previous ac- quaintance or exchange of calls. In first calls it is well to remember the English rule. The lady highest in rank makes the first call in England; and here, where age gives precedence, the elder lady pays the first call, unless she takes the initiative by inviting the younger to call upon her, or by sending her an invitation to some entertainment which she is about to give. An American lady visiting in England received an invitation from a titled lady, whom she had never met, with not even a card inclosed. She felt that as she was a stranger, the English lady ought to have called upon her before extending her proffered hospitality, but not being tenacious upon ceremonious points of eti- quette, she went to thank the lady, and to express her re- gret that mourning prevented her from accepting the invi- tation, when she found that the lady was so much older than herself as to quite remove the little feeling she had indulged in upon the informality shown her, which infor- mality she leariied before she left England was much mo»e complimentary to herself than any amount of formality (under the circumstances) could have been. Where daughters leave the cards of the mother, and the lady who receives them returns the call in person, ex- pressing her regret that she was not at home when the mother called, it is quite unnecessary to make any explana- 58 SENSIBLiE ETIQUETTE. tion, and it would be in fact both gauche and rude to reply that her daughters had left her cards for her. There are other cases where a seeming want of savoir- vivre, a seeming rudeness even, is justified by some event in the past, as in the following illustration : "Pray tell me, did you send Mrs. Clapham Bywell home from your kettle-drum, telling her that you had not invited her? Of course I know you did not, but I want to get at the foundation of the story," said one lady to another. " Mrs. Bywell was not at my kettle-drum. She came to one of my weekly receptions once, long ago, and as she was leaving, said : ' You see how soon I have returned your call.' I deliberated a moment, but I could not let jier leave ray roof without telling her that I had not called, not alone because she was an older resident, but because many years before she had called upon one of her cousins stopping with me, and had not asked for me nor left a card for me; so I said, ' I am indebted to a mistake, then, for the pleasure of seeing you, and I think I can explain it, for on last Friday I left cards at Mrs. Dr. Clapham's, as I supposed. Her cards bore no direction, and I got the street and number from Dr. Bywell's servant, who must have confused the names.' " This little incident also shows what gossip can do in the way of embellishing facts, without any assistance from the subjects of it. • To return to calls made at places of summer resort. When it becomes a question as to which shall call first be- tween persons occupying neighboring villas, who arrived from different cities at the same time, the lady whose house is in the city nearest to the watering-place would assuredly feel herself at liberty to make the first call if she desired to make the acquaintance of her neighbor, provided they CALLS AND CARDS. 59 had both rented the villas for the first time that season. If not, the one who has been the longest occupant calls first, without reference to the distance of their respective cities. When the occupants of two villas, who have arrived the same season, meet at the house of a common friend, and the elder of the two uses her privilege of inviting the other to call, there could be no farther question as to who should make the first visit. The sooner the call is made after such an invitation is extended, the more civil will it be consid- ered. Not to call would be a positive rudeness. Equally rude is it when one lady asks permission of another to bring a friend to call, and then neglects to do it after permis- sion has been given. In some foreign countries calls are often returned within twenty-four hours, for there are no exceptions in reference to the rule that requires all first calls to be returned promptly. If the acquaintance is not desired, your first call can be your last. A young Ameri- can gentleman, after calling upon a distinguished general in Paris (who was more than twice his own age), and then taking a drive in the Bois, went back to his bachelor apart- ments to find to his great surprise that his call had been returned the same day. Had he called upon an American citizen in his own land, of as exalted a position, the chances are that not even a card would have been returned, for our men have not been trained to lay much stress upon these marks of civility as proofs of good breeding. It is the strict observance of these trifling formalities which has caused the French to be considered par exceUenae the most polite people, although it is said that as a nation they carry their politeness no farther than the observance of hollow forms and necessary ceremonials. That genuine polite- ness of heart which leads those who possess it to do as they would be done by, will also lead its possessor never to re- sent the omissions of others ; to be strict only with them- 60 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. selves in the observance of established forms of civility, and to overlook the remissness of ali. The most noble natures are the most placable ; and those who would act up to their Christian professions in small matters as well as in great, must pay visits they do not owe, and invite the negligent, where they are sure that the negligence has been from ignorance or thoughtlessness, and not from inten- tional rudeness. It is a good rule never to listen to the suggestions of pride, suspicion, or jealousy, in regulating our intercourse with the world. Even where injuries have been received in return for benefits, if you would know the happiness that true nobility of soul confers upon its pos- sessor, forgive and, as far as is possible, forget. The brave only know how to forgive. It is the most refined and generous pitch of virtue human nature can arrive at. The coward, the mean soul, never forgives ; but waits in am- bush for an opportunity to strike in the dark, or to stab in the- back. The power of forgiving flows only from a strength and greatness conscious of its own force and secu- rity, and above all the temptations of resenting every fruit- less attempt to destroy its happiness. Small minds are hurt by small events; great minds see through and despise them. Only the contemptible are capable of hatred. Lil?e the useless bind-weed, it thrives best in a poor soil. Love to God and man is as essential to our happiness as is the air that we breathe to our existence. Hatred destroys the soul ; love develops and perfects it. The art of life is to acknowledge the base as base, the mean as mean, but not to degrade one's self by passionate resentment against base- ness and meanness. We cannot compel others to be good, but we can compel ourselves; and after all people are not so bad as they appear. They are only conceited or ill- bred; and imagine they make themselves important and powerful because they can be rude and insulting. CALLS AND CARDS. 61 Yet this Christian politeness, which leads persons to be strict only with themselves and indulgent with others, can- not always be carried out where a dissimilarity of views prevails as to social duties and privileges, and where dis- tinctions are made other than those conferred by education, cultivation, refinement, and morality. It would be sup- posed, generally, that there would be a certain class in every city who, by virtue of superior advantages of edu- cation and position, would hold such views in common with regard to their social duties as would prevent the pos- sibility of any material diiferences of opinion concerning them. Yet we find such a variety of views, maintained among those who are equally capable of judging of the requirements of good breeding, as can only be accounted for from the fact that " we have no code nor standard." There are certain duties which are the same everywhere, certain omissions which are rudenesses in all societiesf and which no Christian politeness is sufficiently perfected to endure. Those duties ought to be taught by parents and teachers as thoroughly as the alphabet is taught, that.no unnecessary coolness or estrangements may ever have an opportunity to grow out of them. Take, for instance, the subject treated of in this chapter, " Calls and Cards." Why is it that in the best society its members have decreed that, after receiving any unusual attention, a call shall be made in person, unless it is that the expression of kind feeling shown in the invitation requires some corresponding atten- tion, such as the call evidences, in return? When tliis mark of appreciation is withheld, the one wbo extends the courtesy has no means of knowing whether the neglect has arisen from ignorance of customs or total indifference to herself. Therefore we find the rule absolute, "Cards should be left at a house the day after, or at least within a week after, any entertainment to which the person leaving cards 62. SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. has been invited, whether she has been able to accept the invitation or not. Should unavoidable circumstances pre- vent this mark of appreciation of the courtesy extended, a note of explanation should be written." Take also, as an example, another rule which is equally binding : " When a lady announces herself as being at home on a certain day every week, it is not courteous to leave cards without going in on that day, or to call upon any other ^ay, as it seems to denote no wish to see her." Surely a lady, finding these rules disregarded after" a civility extended, would need a mantle of charity, as wide as St. Paul is supposed to have possessed, not to regard the breach of good manners as an affront to herself, especially if she happened to be the elder of the two. "Your daughter has quite neglected me this season," said an elderly lady, on one of her weekly reception days, to a kdy c&,lling. " Oh, my daughter has not time to make calls," was the answer. As the lady receiving was one whose time was so fully occupied that she had herself but few. spare hours for formal social duties, she could not, after such an intimation, consistently add to the burdens of the young girl who had not time to fulfil the duties which were due to her superiors in age. Only calls of pure ceremony — such as are made pre- vious to an entertainment on those persons who are not to be invited, and to whom you are not indebted for any at- tentions — are made by handing in cards ; nor can a call in person be returned by cards. This is a gross affront, especially if the younger leaves cards upon the elder in return for a call in person. Exceptions to this rule comprise P. P. C. cards, cards left or sent by persons in mourning, and those which announce a lady's day for receiving on her return to town in the autumn. Care siiould be taken that the latter cards CALLS AND CARDS. 63 are not left by the younger upon the elder, where there is much difference in age, until the yearly call in person, which custom requires, has been made. If this call is not made, as is usual, in the autumn, upon return to the city, it must be paid during the first week in the new year, and returned within a fortnight. Ladies who are so remiss as to neglect the. observance of these simple rules must, sooner or later, cease visiting each other; and, where their circles are very large, it is, in some cases, desirable that it should be so, for in this way it is possible for the elder person to diminish her list without appearing to be rude. When the yearly call due to an elderly person is not made, no invitation during the year can be expected from her, leaving it entirely optional with an entertainer to pass over the remissness, or to make an exception in favor of the one who has been neglectful. Thus it is possible to keep down the numbers in one's visiting list without causing any family to feel dropped. Abroad, the wives of American diplomatists are some- times complained of for their neglect in the etiquette of cards and calls, acceptances and regrets, and other forms and ceremonies of life at courts, which are held binding by those who are acquainted with them. It is always set down, however, to "American ignorance," not to indifference, since such a thing as indifference is impossible to those who have been trained to regard their observance as honorable. We ought to have sufficient charity to make the same excuse for remissness, since many of these rules are just as bind- ing here as abroad. To return to cards. After they have been left once in the season, they need not be left again, excepting after an invitation, or upon a guest stopping a^ the house. A gentleman invited by a lady to call upon her cannot, without showing her great discourtesyj neglect to pay tho 64 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. call within a week. He is not obliged to repeat it, or to do more than leave his card at her door. Cards and invitations sent by post should be removed from their stamped envelopes before putting them in the card-receiver. It has been seen that the rule found in books on etiquette, "Visiting-cards can under no circumstances be sent by post, or delivered in envelopes at the door," is in a fair way of now becoming a dead rule. It has, in fact, always had its exceptions, some of which are given elsewhere When a lady receives weekly, a resident, desirous of call- ing upon her, cannot make a first call on the reception day, unless asked to call on that day. After such a card has once been left, one is at liberty to call the following season on the same day, unless a card has been left or sent in the meantime with the day changed. Persons living in tlie same neighborhood should select the same day for receiving. It is too much to expect your friends to remember the daj'S that are not arranged for particular localities, and wanting in thoughtfulness for their conveni- ence as well. The Countess of says, in her book, " Mixing in Society," "To receive visitors on a stated day in each w*ek is only to be justified by the exigencies of a lofty posij^oo ;" to which should be added for our use in this country, " unless the convenience of callers is studied by an entire neighborhood uniting on the same day." This custom, as practiced in Boston and New York, takes away from it much of the inconvenience; but great complaint is made in some of our cities of a want of consideration in this par- ticular. The day fixed upon by the oldest resident should be adopted by all. One cannot return the calls of elderly ladies, or even of their equals in age; Ti)y leaving cards at the door. It is CALLS AND CARDS. 65 aot considered respectful. If the cards of persons much younger are left, after hospitalities extended to them, oje is at liberty to make a card serve for a. return visit. To the French is due the custom of making the delivery of a card answer for the appearance of the individual. It is a great convenience for elderly persons and invalids, who have no daughters to make their calls for them, as well as for ladies who have a large visiting list and occupations which leave them but little time for formal calls. It can- not be recommended for others, as there are some ladies who take oifence at finding cards left without any inquiry being made as to whether they are receiving. A call upon persons in mourning and all cards of con- dolence should be returned with mourning cards, when the family begin to make their appearance in public. When admitted upon a call of condolence — made within ten days after the death if on intimate terms with the family, or within a month otherwise — care must be had not to al- lude to the event first, and if spoken of not to dwell upon the particulars, unless it is evident that the bereaved de- sire it. Those acquaintances who wish to leave cards only inquire after the health of the family, leaving their cards in person. Until the cards of formal acquaintances have been returned by cards of the bereaved, it is not well to repeat the call. Cards of congratulation must be left in person, or a con- gratulatory note, if desired, can be made to serve instead of a call ; excepting upon the newly married. Calls in person are due to them, and to the parents who have in- vited you to the marriage. Where there has been a re- ception after the ceremony, which you have been unable to attend, but have sent cards by some member of your family, your cards need not again represent you until they have been returned, with the new residence announced ; but a 5 66 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. call is due to the parents or relatives who have given the reception. When no -wedding cards are sent you, nor the card of the bridegroom, you cannot call without being considered intrusive. If, however, you have reason to think the remissness an unintentional one, you can place it in the power of some member of the family to make the requisite explanation, which will restore the visiting if de- sired by both parties. When a betrothal takes place, and is formally announced to the relatives and friends on both sides, calls of congratulation follow. The fianoi, or bride- groom that is to be, is introduced by the family of the jiancie to their connections and most intimate friends, and his family in return introduce her to relatives and ac- quaintanfies whom they desire her to know. The simplest way of bringing this about is- by the parents leaving the cards of the betrothed with their own, upon all families on their visiting list whom they wish to halve the betrothed pair visit. " Calls ought to be made within three days after a dinner, or any entertainment of any kind, if it is a first invitation ; and within a week after a party or a ball, whether you have accepted the invitation or not." In France these calls are known as " les visiles de digestion," and are strictly en- forced ; but they make cards do duty for calls in person, after marriages, birtiis, and deaths. One month after the birth of a child the call of congrat- ulation is made by acquaintances. Eelatives and intimate friends call sooner, often to the injury of the young mother and her babe. It is not customary to receive the calls that are made after an entertainment, excepting where the lady who enter- tained has a day, or when she has friends staying with her. For this reason persons who wish to leave cards only, call within the prescribed three days, as they are then sure of CALLS AND CARDS. 67 not being admitted where the customs of society are under- stood. Calling hours vary in our cities, beginning as early as twelve o'clock in small towns. !From two to four o'clock neither lunch nor the afternoon drive is interfered with, and seems to be preferred by many in large cities. A lady who has no day will endeavor to receive callers at any time. If she is occupied, she will instruct her servant to say that she is engaged, as soon as they are asked if she is receiving ; for a visitor, once admitted into the house, must be seen at any inconvenience. Should the wrong servant have gone to the door, and have admitted a caller by mistake, the proper servant may be sent with an explanation, in cases where it is impossible for any member of the family to appear. But care must be taken that no recurrence takes place, unless she is willing to be stigmatized as ill-bred. A lady should never keep a visitor waiting, without sending down to see whether a delay of a few minutes will inconvenience the caller. Servants should be instructed to return in all instances to announce to the one waiting that the lady will be down immediately. They sometimes neglect doing so, where they have not been properly in- structed, from the fact that they think their mistress will reach the drawing-room sooner than they can. They thus cause her to appear rude when necessarily detained for a few moments. Any delay whatever should always be apologized for. If, on making a call, you are introduced into a room where you are unknown to those assembled, at once give your name and mention upon whom your call is made. In meeting a lady or a gentleman whose name you can- not recall, frankly say so if you find it necessary. There a,re no sensible persons who would not prefer to recall themselves to your memory than to feel that you were talk- 68 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ing to them -without full recognition. The idea that it is rude has no foundation, excepting in overweening self-love. To affect not to remember a person is despicable, and re- flects only on the pretender. If a guest uses your drawing-room to receive callers who have not asked for you, and the card of a caller upon your- self is sent up to you, do not send for the caller to join you in another room, but enter your drawing-room as mistress of your own house, and receive him there. It is the duty of the guest to guard against the possibility of her hostess being annoyed by any want of respect shown to her; and equally incumbent upon the hostess is it to see that guests share with her the attention of her own friends. Gentlemen leave their umbrellas, overcoats, and over- shoes in the hall ; but take their hats and sticks with them into the drawing-room, unless they are calling on old friends. The hat and stick should never be deposited upon a chair or table, or any other article of furniture. They can be placed upon the floor, very near the chair occupied by the owner, if he does not wish to retain them in his hands. The following imaginary incident illustrates a first call: Mr. Harcourt, formerly of New York, observing the rules in his own city, calls on a family in another city where he is residing, between four and five o'clock, and arrives just as the waiter is decanting some sherry for dinner, no but- ler being on duty. Bridget, the new kitchen-maid, is asked to answer the bell, and is not told that the ladies are engaged. The caller is shown into the reception-room, and gives his name, " Mr. Harcourt." Bridget repeats, ques- tioningly, "Mr. Hartichoke?" By this time the young man is clever enough to see that he must send up his card if he would have his name given correctly, notwithstand- ing directions given in books of etiquette to the contrary, and whicli directions hold good only where the callers are GALLS AND CARDS. 69 well known to the servants. Selecting a spotless card, he hands it to Bridget, and she, remembering her mistress's in- structions upon previous occasions, delivers the card upon the small silver tray kept for the purpose upon the hall table, thus insuring' its delivery in an equally good con- dition — not soiled with finger-marks. Mrs. Bartlett tak- ing it, reads aloud, " ' Mr. Charles Harcourt.' Bridget, I hope you said that we are engaged." "No, indeed, mum; I wotfldu't think of takin' such a liberty, when I hadn't been told to say so." " 1 am sure I do not regret Bridget's mistake, mamma ; I like Mr. Harcourt; you know he is a friend of Charlie's, and had himself introduced to us last evening. I would have been very sorry to miss his first call," said Miss Julia. " But I dare say he only wished to leave his card," re- plied Mrs. Bartlett. " Julia, as you wish to see him, you can go down with mamma ; please make my excuses, as I am going to dress for dinner," said Miss Bartlett. Mrs. Bartlett and Miss Julia, who had come in from a drive, went down in their street costume, and found Mr. Harcourt seated, his hat and his stick in his left hand. He arose as they entered, and remained standing until they were seated. Being no monopolist in conversation, and equally ready to listen as to speak, the fifteen minutes which he has devoted to his call pass agreeably to all ; for he has not affected Mrs. Bartlett's nerves by flourishing his cane or twirling his hat. Without looking at his watch, he rises to leave ; Miss Julia rises also, and Mrs. Bartlett extends her first invitation to him in this way: "We are at home from three to five on Wednesdays, and I hope to see you soon again, Mr. Harcourt." He thanks her, and leaves the house, with some such reflections as these : 70 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. " I fancy the housemaid blundered in admitting me, as Mrs. Bartlett has a day for receiving; and then, too, I noticed that both mother and daughter wore short street suits. I call that good breeding ; they did not keep me waiting while they changed their gowns ; and they would not send me down word, after I got in, that they were engaged, as they did the other day at Madame Newriches." After dinner. Miss Julia secured Mr. Harcourt's card, and copied his name and direction in the book kept for registering their visitors alphabetically. By so doing she insured his being invited when invitations were sent out for their next general entertainment. And here the prediction may be ventured that Mr. Har- court, having received so courteous a reception from Mrs. Bartlett, will show himself equally courteous by answer- ing the invitation as soon as he receives it. Society has become so extended in our cities that it is impossible for the heads of families to invite young men to call whom they would be glad to see in their homes, as was the custom in past generations. Mr. Harcourt, it will be seen, adopted a foreign custom, which it would be well to introduce in America, and already it prevails in some trav- elled circles. In most countries on the continent of Europe a gentleman who has had himself introduced to a lady calls the following day. This call is returned by the gentleman of the house if the acquaintance is agreeable. If a gentle- man has been introduced, and does not call, not even a bowing acquaintance is continued. All mothers who do not go out with their daughters must see how much more agreeable is this way of giving a gentleman the entrance to their houses, than it is to impose upon their young daughters the disagreeable task of inviting men to call. Noi does it force hospitalities upon them, as the author of " Pasteboard Politeness" asserts. Few parents are found who are will- CALLS AND CARDS. 71 ing to dispense with all forms, and who permit men to come and go without some orthodox preliminaries even in our republican society. For the same reason (the rapid increase of the numbers ia society) daughters or sons are often invited without their parents, where the acquaintance of the families with each other has been a recent thing. Parents who leave or send their cards, after their children have received any such attention, are not compelled to make any further inter- change ; nor is the family receiving them obliged to do more than return the cards. Cards ought not to be left on the daughters of a family without including the parents in this courteous formality, unless in exceptional cases. Where an elderly married lady invites a younger married one to call upon her, the call must be made within a few days, and returned at once, if both ladies desire the acquaintance. Gentlemen, as well as ladies, when making calls, send in but one card, no matter how many members of the family they may wish to see. If a guest is stopping with a friend, the same rule is observed, but one card is sent in, and that one not turned down. If not at home, one card is left for 'the lady of the house and one for the guest. Should it be the first call of the season, a third card is left, folded down the middle, for the other members of the family. This third card is omitted often among friends by those who punctiliously leave it with mere acquaintances. The card for the lady of the house may be so folded as to include the family, but a separate card for the guest is essential. Calls made on reception days where a guest is staying are not binding upon the guest to return. No sepa- rate card should be left for a guest on a reception day. Members of societies or clubs, who meet weekly at each others' houses for social purposes, do not leave cards after these entertainments. Thoae fjiends or acquaintances who 72 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. are not members, but who are invited by the gentleman entertaining, hand in or send their cards afterwards, in acknowledgment of the courtesy extended to them. It is for this ceremonious card-leaving that it is now pro- posed to send the cards by post, which sensible people in England are advocating, as well as sensible people here. One card is all that is required after gentlemen's suppers. It is never necessary to deluge a family with cards. A lady calling on a friend who had a house full of guests, left tbe orthodox three cards from each member of her family, folded or cornered in such a way as tq include all the family and all the guests. Callers, later in the day, ■who were more fortunate in finding the ladies at home, were entertained by the younger members of the household ■with a display of cards left by this one lady, which nearly covered the grand piano, provoking the mirth of some of those 'ft'ho saw it. And yet the lady had handed in only such as civility required, if all the members of her own large family wished their cards to be left ; though, by doing so she seemed to infringe upon the rule which makes it not good form for more than two, or three at most, out of one family to call together. " Pasteboard is cheap, use plenty of it," is the maxim of some persons, but it is better to use too little than too much. A gentleman's card bears his direction on the right hand corner (face towards you), unless the name of some club, when it is placed in the left-hand corner. The question is frequently asked. Which is the proper end to turn down ? In the United States we do not give to the " cornering" of cards that significance which some European nations attach. When the lady's reception day is engraved where it ought to be,, on the lower left-hand corner (holding the card facing towards you), it is the right- hand end of the card which is turned down. So long as CALLS AND CARDS. 73 the card is turned down, it does not matter whether it is the right hand or the left, excepting as it facih'tates the reading of the reception day in the left-hand corner. When the name of the husband and wife is oij'one card, as " Mr. and Mrs. Blank," the reception day is of course omitted, and the reading of the surname is easier if the left-hand end of the card, where the " Mr. and Mrs." are placed, is turned down. But its signification is the same in either case; it shows that the card was left in person, and that the owner would have come in, had the one upon whom it was left been receiving. There is absolutely no other general meaning attached to the turning of a card, across either the right or the left end in America, which leaves it optional with all to do as they choose. Not to turn a card causes the leaver of it to be liable to the suspicion of having sent it by a servant. In countries where great stress is laid upon such trifles, even those who send their cards by servants turn them across one end, as if they had left them in person. A recent writer in Harper's Bazar says : " The etiquette of polite life is written in a despotic code, and those who obey any of it are not excused from obeying the whole." Now it is well known that there are many points of eti- quette the observance of which has no tendency to sim- plify and make easier our social intercourse. In a republic these minor points may be advantageously dispensed with, not only because they are useless, but because their ten- dency is to create embarrassments as long as these forms are not understood alike by all. It is not long since that a foreign minister at a certain European court bored every one with whom he conversed by narrating the grievances to which he had been subjected; the chief of which was that the card of another minister had been left upon him without being turned down, which was only an omission 74 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. of one of the minor and most unimportant of arbitrary- rules — not worth a thought, as we are trained to think. It is, of course, quite proper that it should be understood that all cards left in person, excepting those left on recep- tion days, should be turned down across one end, or at one corner ; and that a card which is not turned down denotes one of three things : either that it has been merely sent in by some one before being admitted, to ascertain whether the lady or ladies are receiving ; or left because it is the custom to leave a card upon a reception day, for the pur- pose of refreshing the memory of the hostess ; or, that it has not been delivered in person, but sent, by a servant. When cards are sent by a footman, it should be remem- bered that it is not en regie to inclose them in an envelope, or, if so inclosed, the servant should be instructed to re- move the envelope before delivering the cards. Trifling as such points are, there are reasons for their observance which must upon thought make themselves evident to every well-bred person. Still, even if a difference of opinion is held as to the vitality of such points, it must certainly be acknowledged that the observance or non-observance of them is not of sufficient consequence to create so much feel- ing as the minister in question indulged in, or as to be made an occasion for the manifestation of unchristian sen- timents, the strengthening of narrow prejudices, and the building up of vulgar feuds. But if, as the writer in Harper asserts, the laws of social life, like the laws of the universe, prevent all things from returning to chaos, then is it not worth our while to look into these laws, searching to see how far they combine the spirit of a gentleman with the spirit of religion, and up- holding and maintaining the use of such as are fitted foi* our institutions and our mode of life? It is not many years since a lady, finding diverse views prevailing in the CALLS AND CARDS. 75 city where she resided as to certain social customs that ought to be the same everywhere, published an article, taking the ground that the diversity of opinion which exists with us in reference to many points in social life is unfortunate and chat where no fixed rules exist there must always be misapprehensions and misunderstandings, rude- nesses suspected, and sometimes resented; where none are intended, to the great perplexity of the offender as to the cause of the offence. But, sensible as this must seem to all who have been trained to observe and obey social laws, there were found some critics who, seeing no need for the reaching forward to a higher level of life and manners, used all the weapons of ridicule in their power to attack the essay and its writer, asserting (as did Dogberry with reading and writing) that " a knowledge of the different duties of fashionable life comes intuitively." In other words, that good manners are inherited — that they come with good birth. It is generally supposed that good or bad manners depend entirely upon the instruction that one has had at the mother's knee, as it were ; that good manners com- mence in the nursery, when the mother is herself well-bred. To argue otherwise, proves utter ignorance of good breeding. Social laws are not immutable; they differ with the age and with the various customs of the various countries of our globe. Where the Scripture injunctions are put in practice, "Be ye courteous," and " Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," where self is put out of sight, and a kind thoughtfulness of others takes its place, but little more is needed, it is true, in the way of being thoroughly well-bred ; still a knowledge of the customs ofthedayis necessary for those who wish to contribute their quota toward making " the cogs and wheels " of social life run smoothly ; and the social Dogberry, who asserts that such knowledge comes "intuitively," proclaims his 76 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ignorance of the first principles of good breeding. Not only does it not come intuitively, but the customs of differ- ent countries vary so much that the rules laid down in one country very often do not suit the mode of life of another country. A writer upon card-leaving in London instructs her readers in a point" of London etiquette, which is entirely un- suitable for us, unless we carry out in our households other London customs. This writer says : " When a lady calls at a house and finds the lady on whom she calls at home, it is incorrect to give her card to the servant; and a well- trained domestic suppresses it altogether instead of giving it to his mistress." Why does he suppress it? Because the footman in London is trained to announce the name distinctly as he ushers the caller- into the room where his mistress is receiving. It is absolutely necessary, where the servant has not had previous instructions, as so often happens in America, in reference to his mistress being at home, or not at home, or engaged — it is absolutely neces- sary that the card be sent in (only one, no matter how many members in the family, and that one not turned down) to ascertain whether the ladies are at home to callers; otherwise some General OflFenbach's name might be trans- formed into the unrecognizable one of General Bricabrac. Most of the rules of society, like all general rules, have their exceptions. It is where these exceptions are not known, that the rules, when followed, create confusion. On reception days, the well-drilled servant in American cities receives the card of tlie caller on a small salver, and, of course, suppresses it, because the card is only de- sired by the hostess to refresh her memory as to who has been present at her reception. Otherwise, her memory would be taxed. Where a lady has one day in every week, and this day for some reason is an inconvenient one CALLS AND CARDS. 77 to some of her friends, whose day may be the same, for instauce, cards ought not to be sent through others, but the call made upon some other day. To return a call made in person with cards inclosed in an envelope is an intima- tion that visiting between the parties is ended. Those who leave or send their cards with no such intention should remember not to inclose them, for, as has been justly said, although such small details appear trivial, it is the ac- curate knowledge and practice of them that constitutes the difference between savoir-vivre and want of knowl- edge. One of the exceptions to the last-mentioned rule — as to inclosing cards in envelopes — is, where they are sent in return to the newly married living in other cities; or in answering wedding cards forwarded in absence fx'om home. P. P. C. cards are also sent in this way, and are the only cards that it is as yet universally considered admissi- ble to send by post. We would be glad to have it under- stood that our business men in American cities might he so privileged, after having accepted hospitalities, or after receiving invitations which they have not been able to accept. Many of our young men have too little time for reading and riding and driving, without feeling themselves compelled to waste their leisure hours in making unsatis- factory calls : and the hostess who receives such cards would still be able to discriminate between those men who remem- bered her civility, and those who met it with seeming for- getfulness. However, in American cities, men can always find friends who will deliver their cards for them when de- livering their own. Certainly, for such an exception might be made to the rule, — " No cards can be handed in on a weekly reception day, excepting those that are left by callers." Will not some of our New York men move in the matter of inclosing their cards to ladies who have honored them T8 SENSIBLE STIQUBTTE. with invitations, and inaugurate the custom here of send- ing them by post? The man who cannot find time to re- member, in this way, a lady who has not forgotten him, will not be found among those who have had mothers able to instruct them as to their social duties and privileges. It is a move in the right direction, the sending of cards on full reception days by post and by messenger-boys where the senders are in mourning ; or where, for any reason, they are not able to appear. If this observance ever becomes general, and the prescribed call afterwards is dis- pensed with, it will make the inundation of invitations for kettle-drums and day receptions less dreaded by those who do not attend them, and who have little time to spare for making ceremonious calls. JS^aturally, a first invitation would not be so unceremoniously treated, nor other invita- tions than those for kettle-drums and day receptions. The delicate shades, where ceremonies are binding, are easily discriminated by the sensible and the kind-hearted. To return to visiting cards. It has been said that "cards bearing the name of the husband and the wife together are no longer in good style." This is an error. The reason why they are less used is, that ladies who have their weekly reception days prefer to use the cards which have their days engraved upon them, and these days are never placed upon the card bearing the name of the husband and the wife together. When the separate card of the lady is left upon a married lady, whose husband is living, two cards of her husband should also be left (when making formal calls), one for the wife, the other for the husband. But, after the first call of the season, it is not necessary to leave the hus- band's card a second time during the year, unless some invitation has been extended in the meantime, or some attention bestowed. So it is seen that the name of the husband and the wife together is still as good form as ever, CALLS AND CARDS. 79 although less used. In fact, it is a necessity to possess such cards, and to use them when occasion requires, as in leaving cards of condolence, when it would be very thoughtless to hand in a card bearing the reception day upon it. Where, as after a long round of visits, there is any scarcity of cards in paying morning calls, ladies often fold one of their cards across the end, to show that they have left it in per- son, turning down one or two corners for one or two per- sons. The English custom of folding the lady's card up ,and down across the middle, for all the ladies in the family, is preferable. The same with the card of the gentleman. It is certainly more civil to leave a separate card for each lady (not to exceed three, however), when the first call of the season is made. Gentlemen should not expect to receive invitations from ladies with whom they are only on terms of formal visit- ing, until the yearly or autumnal call has been made, or until their cards have been made to represent themselves. When the ladies of a family are receiving, but have no weekly reception day, the cards of gentlemen not accom- panying the callers, and of aged persons who have ceased all formal visiting, are left on the hall-table, if the servant opening the door has no tray to receive them. Strangers arriving are expected to send their cards to their acquaint- ances bearing their direction, as an announcement that they are in the neighborhood. This rule is often neglected, but unless it is observed strangers may be a long time in town without their presence being known. These cards can be sent by post. A first call, as has been already said, ought to be re- turned within three or four days. A longer delay than a week is considered an intimation that you are unwilling to accept the new acquaintance, unless some excuse for the remissness is made. A card left at a farewell visit, before 80 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. a long-protracted absence, has P. P. C. writtea in one cor- ner. This custom is less observed than formerly. It is not necessary to deliver such cards in person, however; they can be sent by a servant or by post. A mooted point, which might as well be a settled one, is in reference to the correct way of writing " P. P. C." and "E.. S. V. P." Many affirm that it is incorrect to use capitals, asking how the sentences would look . if written out in full, " Pour Prendre Conge ! " and " Ripliqaez S'il Vous Plait !" Since the time of the Romans capital letters have been used in writing or printing all abbreviated sen- tences; as, for instance, "P'.M." for post meridian, and " A.M." for ante meridian. This is probably the expla- nation. Writing E. s. v. p. and P. p. c. seems to be an American innovation, and rather a finical one, with the Koman custom in mind. A lawyer, of widespread repu- tation, was once cited as authority for writing p. p. c, but the one who advocated the use of capitals asserted that she had more confidence in his legal ability than as an authority in social observances ; especially as in administering a re- proof to the lady who had P. P. C. on her card (which he tore up, with the remark that he had expected better things of her), he had shown more of the judge than the gentle- man. Among intimate friends informal calls, made out of the conventional visiting hours, are the most agreeable. It has been already stated that the hours in which morning calls are made vary in different cities. Where lunch is served at one o'clock, and dinner at six or seven o'clock, the calling hours are from two to five. Where early din- ners are the custom, from one to four are the usual hours, and in some towns from twelve to three; but a formal call should not be made before noon in any place. It is easy to ascertain the customs of a city before calling. CALLS AND CARDS. 81 Gentlemen who are frequent visitors at a house feel at liberty to leave their hats and sticks in the hall. Neither children nor dogs are taken out when making formal calls. Two persons out of one family, or at the most three per- sons, can make calls together. Gentlemen wear their usual morning dress, a black cut-away, or a frock-coat, dark trowsers, silk necktie (black is in the best taste), and a me- dium or neutral shade of gloves. In warm weather, light gray or colored trowsers, colored neckties, and white vest are often worn. At the seaside, and at all summer resorts, calls are made in suits of rough cloth by those gentlemen who prefer following sensible English customs to submit- ting to the regulations made for city life, and which are always irksome to men who have no taste for summer gayeties. Ladies, in making calls in cities, dress with much more elegance than for walking or for shopping ; but at the sea- side, or at any place of summer resort, it is becoming op- tional with them, where no reception days are set apart weekly, to call in calling hours, and in visiting toilettes ; or to make informal calls in morning dresses ; or to pay their visits of ceremony between four and five o'clock — before the afternoon drive — in driving toilette. This latter mode has the advantage of allowing ladies to remain at home during the hottest part of the day, and of not over- taxing their horses. Where there is any degree of inti- macy, or a long acquaintance, the early morning call in morning dress is preferable. Some ladies in cities are at home to their most intimate friends at all hours, who are never at home to mere ac- quaintances in calling hours, for the reason that they know in making a round of formal calls, ladies often do not expect or wish to be admitted. This fact has caused many to look more leniently than they formerly did upon 6 82 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the French mode of leaving cards, without inquiring if the ladies are at home, when the call is one of pure ceremony. For fear of giving offence, it is better for the young, and for those who have the time to spare, to make the inquiry ; but elderly persons, and those whose days are not long enough for them, on account of the engrossing nature of their occu- pation, should always be excused when they prefer to make their cards serve as substitutes for themselves, after an ex- change-of calls. To ladies whose circle of visiting acquaint- ance is small, such ceremonious visits cannot but seem to be a mere farce, where the performers play their part with- out even the pretence of sincerity, but those who number several hundred families on their lists appreciate all time- saving 'innovations, especially if they entertain frequently ; and consequently they learn to appreciate fully the observ- ances that enable them to keep up a ceremonious acquaint- ance with a circle too large for friendly visiting. All in- nocent and sensible new customs should be welcomed that have a tendency to save labor, to prevent the waste of time, and to harmonize varying interests. A lady receiving morning calls wears a silk gown, high in the neck, with long sleeves ; no diamonds, and no flow- ers in her cap or in her hair; both being reserved for dinner toilet. This is a rule that is as universally regarded as that men shall not appear in dress-coats and white neck- ties by daylight, or at least until the dinner hour. Ex- ceptions are made upon unusual occasions only. The lady of the house rises when her visitors enter, who immediately advance to pay their respects to her before speaking to others. She designates a seat near her own to the last arrivals' if she is able to do so. Gentlemen take any vacant chair, Avithout troubling their hostess to look after them. Where the conversation is under her control, she generalizes it, endeavoring to give scandal-mongers no CALLS AND CARDS. 83 opportunity to indulge in that gossip which bears unerring evidence of vulgarity, as well as bad breeding and a sterile mind. If too many callers are present to enable her to keep the lead in conversation, she pays especial attention to the last arrivals, watching to see that no one is left alone, and talking to each of her guests in succession, or seeing that some one is doing so. A well-bred lady pays equal attention to all her callers. It is allowable to pay extra attention to any person of dis- tinguished rank, to strangers, to age, or world-wide repu- tation. To do homage to the rich, simply because they are rich, is a piece of snobbism which even the amiable find difficult to forgive. A lady who is not in her own house, does not rise either on the arrival or the departure of ladies, unless there is some great difference in age. Attention to the aged is one of the marks of good breeding which is never neglected by the thoughtful and refined. It is not customary to introduce residents unless the hostess knows that an introduction will be agreeable to both parties. Strangers in the city are introduced. The rule is to force no one into an acquaintance ; and although the hostess would gladly introduce all who meet under her roof, she will not assume that responsibility when she knows to what disagreeable experiences she may expose her friends by so doing, so long as there are people to be met with in society who are not sufficiently well bred to receive such introductions in a civil manner. Ladies and gentlemen are privileged to speak to each other, who meet in the drawing-room of a common friend, without any in- troduction ; though gentlemen generally prefer to ask for introductions. When introduced to any one, bow slightly and enter at once into conversation. It is a great want of good breeding not to do so. 84 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. When introductions are given, it is the gentleman who should be presented to the lady ; when two ladies are in- troduced, it is the younger who is presented to the elder. For example, in presenting Mr. Jones to Mrs. Smith, it is Mr. Jones's name that is first mentioned. The word " in- troduce " is preferred to " present." Presentations are as- sociated with courts more than with republics. The least formal introductions are given by merely mentioning the names, as " Mr. Jones, Mrs. Smith." This is all that is necessary under ordinary circumstances. A lady receiving gives her hand to a stranger as to a friend, when she wishes to bestow some mark of cordiality in welcoming a guest to her home, but a gentleman ought not to take the initiatory in hand shaking. It is the lady's privilege to give or withhold as she chooses. She may have some weakness of the hand, wrist, or arm, which makes a cordial grasp painful ; therefore, if she does not offer the hand it should not be set down to undue formality. Foreigners who are well bred rarely shake hands, and then only with intimate friends. When they wish to express especial deference, they touch the hand of the lady with their lips, instead of grasping it and pressing the rings into the flesh, until the tortured fingers ache with the pain. It is respectful homage, not love, that the kiss upon the hand denotes, and is much more frequently given by them to the aged than to the young. " What a pity the novel ' On Dangerous Ground ' was ever written ; no man will dare to kiss a lady's hand again for fear it will lead to something further," said a fascinating Eve of the beau monde to an admirer at Newport. " Have no fear, madam ; I have found nothing in the book to deter me from going as much further as you like," was the answer of this modern Adam. Returning to cards — a young lady who has a mother CALLS AND CARDS. 85 does not need a separate visiting card during her first winter in society. Wiien she does use one, to be comme il faut, it should not bear the direction ; such cards being appro- priated by members of the demi-monde. The street and the number always look better on the card of the husband than upon that of the wife. When necessary, it can be added in pencil on the cards of the wife or the daughter. Where there is no mother, the father's card is left with the card of his daughter, and his name appears with that of his daughter, on cards of invitation, as — Mr. and Miss Grosvenor At Home, Thursday, Ootobei* 27th. 8—11 Dancing. If the above invitation be engraved, it can then be more formal, as— Mr. and Miss Grosvenor At Home, Thursday, October 27th, from eight to eleven o'clock. Dancing. E. S. V. P. Sometimes a near relative takes the father's place, and then her name appears in the invitation as the chaperon of tlie young girl, instead of the name of the father ; but under no circumstances whatever is it good form for an invitation to go out in the name of the daughter alone. Numerals are permi.ssible in dates, hours, and street numbers. The two former are always engraved when the uniformity of the lines require it. No abbreviations of names are sanctioned, but are permitted in the months, when the space requires it. Stationers, from long experi- ence, should be able to advise in such matters. It is so generally understood that an " At Home " in- 86 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vitation requires no answer, that many still use the E. S. V. P. in the right-hand corner of a card, like the above. Here it may be repeated that all cards of invita- tion, excepting those for kettle-drums, require answers. A kettle-drum signifies a light entertainment, to which ladies and gentlemen can come and go in calling costume, not generally remaining over the half hour allotted for the ex- treme length of a morning call. Of course such an invita- tion does not absolutely require any answer, nor any cards left afterwards, by those who are present. Those who are the most punctilious in the observance of social rules send an informal regret when they know positively that they cannot be present. To go back to calls, touching upon a few additional rules: it is the custom in America, as in England, for residents to call on the stranger. On the continent in Europe it is the newly arrived who call first on those whom they have known residing abroad. When it becomes a question as to which shall call first, between old residents, the elder should take the initiatory. Ladies sometimes say to each other, after having been in the habit of meeting for years without exchanging visits, "I hope you will come and see me," and often the answer is made, " Oh, you must come and see me first." One moment of reflection would prevent a lady from making that answer, unless she were much the elder of the two, when she could with propriety give that as the reason. The lady who extends the invitation makes the first advance, and the one who receives it should at least say, " I thank you — you are very kind," even if she has no intention of availing herself of it. A lady in the fash- ionable circles of our largest metropolis once boasted that she had never made a first visit. She probably was not aware that in the opinion of those conversant with the duties CALLS AND CARDS. 87 of her position she stamped herself as being just as under- bred as if she had announced that she did not wait for any one to call upon her, No lady, surely, is of so little import- ance in the circle in which she moves as never to be placed in circumstances where a first call is requisite from her ; nor does any one in our land so nearly approach the posi- tion of a reigning monarch as to decree that all, irrespec- tive of age or priority of residence, should make the first call upon her. In an event of exchange Of calls between two ladies without meeting, who are not known to each other by sight, they should upon the first opportunity make themselves known to each other. The younger should seek the elder, or the one who has been the recipient of the first attention should introduce herself, or seek an introduction; but women of the world do not stand upon ceremony in such points. The observance of these minor rules is seldom regarded excepting by the very formal, or by those who have no confidence in themselves. Ladies knowing each other by sight, bow, after an ex- change of cards. Cards of condolence left by mere acquain- tances must be returned by " mourning cards " before such callers feel at liberty to repeat their visits. Friends of course do not wait for cards, but continue their calls with- out regard to any ceremonious observances made for the protection of the bereaved. When the latter are ready to receive the calls of their acquaintances (instead of their cards), " mourning cards " in envelopes, or otherwise, are returned to alt who have left cards since the death which was the occasion of the cal Is of condolence. Both ladies and gentlemen in making the first calls of the season (in the autumn), should leave one card each at all the houses where they call, even if they find the ladies receiving. The reason for this rule is evident; for where a lady receives 88 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. many morning calls, it would be too great a tax upon her memory to oblige her to keep in mind what calla she has to return, or which of her calls have been returned ; and in making out lists for inviting informally, it is the card- stand very often that is first searched for bachelor's cards to meet the emergency. Young men should be careful to write their street and number on their cards. When an invitation to a house is received, for the first time, it is quite common for those so invited to show their appreciation of the courtesy by calling to leave cards the next day. This is optional, however, and depends entirely upon the cour- tesy of the one invited. When the claims of society were not so great as they are now (because of its' now greatly increased numbers) it was considered a necessary civility to exchange calls before extending invitations to families that were not well known to each other. Cards are now inclosed in such invitations frequently to serve the purpose of a call, or, when there is a certain degree of acquaintance- ship between any of the members of the two families, and the invitation is for an informal gathering, even cards may be dispensed with under certain circumstances. After an invitation, cards must be left upon those who have sent it, whether it is accepted or not. It is not con- sidered civil to send such cards by servants. They must be left in person, and if it is desired to end the acquaint- ance, the cards can be left without inquiring whether the ladies are at home. Among cultivated people there can be no more question as to the duty of leaving cards after enter- tainments than there is as to the absolute necessity of replying promptly to invitations. When no cards are left, after a hospitality extended, such a want of appreciation of the courtesy is manifested as to make it very disagreeable for those who have been trained to look upon such an omis- sion as a rudeness. CALLS AND CARDS. 89 When only the family and the most intimate friends of a bride and bridegroom have been included in the invita- tions for the marriage, or where there has been no recep- tion after the marriage at church, the bridegroom often sends his bachelor card (inclosed in an envelope) to those of his acquaintances with whom he wishes to continue on visiting terms. They who receive a card should call upon the bride within ten days after she has taken possession of her new home. Some persons have received such a card as an intimation that the card was to end the ac- quaintance. This mistake shows the necessity of a bet- ter understanding of social customs. Untrained charac- ters are not willing to submit to rules. They even main- tain that good breeding is a gift and comes by nature, like poetry, never seeming to fancy that dukes, or earls, or '^exclusive old families," have anything to contend with in the way of keeping out of sight those proclivities which Darwin maintains areinherited by all human beings from their four-footed ancestors, and which, when indulged in, make men clowns and boors and snobs, no matter what their rank in life. A man's happiness depends on his man- ners and his conduct ; a disregard of observances reflects not only upon his own nature, but upon his early training, it is therefore incumbent upon parents to give their chil- dren right ideas on such subjects ; that they may early understand that, whether their deficiencies arise from igno- rance or from carelessness, the eifect of any display of them is to lower them in the opinion of those who are capable of judging of their culture. No false pride, therefore, should prevent even the most highly cultivated persons from acquainting themselves with the changing customs of the times. No sneers, no ridicule should deter them from making use of the knowledge that they acquire, not in- herit, as is supposed by the untrained and the unoulti- 90 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. vated. They cannot hope to change the natures of the rude, the manners of the ill bred, for a man's nature is es- tablished and his manners formed before he reaches the age of thirty ; but their lives can bear testimony to the truth of the lesson taught by Epictetus — that no rude- ness hurts the one upon whom it is thrust. It hurts the perpetrator only. Here comes in Scripture teaching again. Men cannot gather grapes from thorns nor figs from thistles. Where the law of love and forgiveness is not the law of life, there thorns and thistles grow^ and deteriorate the spiritual and the moral nature ; but their baneful in- fluence cannot prevail in the hearts of those who strive to eradicate the " tares sown by the enemy " — tares that easily take root (when not watched) with that firm hold which insures a crop of thorns and thistles for the harvest-time. Bad manners, vulgarity of nature, and bad morals flourish best together; weeds, thistles, and thorns they are that infest all communities. Happy arethey who learn early in life, without too frequent and too severe lessons, that there are poisonous and stinging plants, which one must not stoop to gather or even touch, as well as that there are human beings whom, bad as it is to have as enemies, it would be still worse to have as friends. Some ladies have adopted the English custom of rising only Avhen their visitors leave; others prefer the conti- nental custom of accompanying ladies as far as the draw- ing-room door. In either case they should not resume their seats until their visitors have left the room. Al- though it is customary to speak of calls as morning visits, and of callers as " visitors," it is not quite correct to do so when the duration of the call is kept within the prescribed bounds; but should a call be prolonged to an hour or two, it might then most appropriately be called a " visita- tion." To those who find the directions for callers not CALLS AND CARDS. 91 sufficiently explicit, the subjoined customs are added : A gentleman must never look at his watch during a call, unless in doing so he pleads some engagement and asks to be excused. "He ought to rise upon the entrance of ladies; but he does not offer seats to those entering, unless in his own house, or unless requested to do so by the hostess, and then he does not offer his own chair if others are available. A lady gives her hand to a gentleman, as well as to ladies, if she wishes to do so, but she does not shake his hand in return. A gentleman should not grasp a lady's hand too cordially, as it takes but a slight pressure to be painful when rings are worn. A fear of such a result often pre- vents a lady who is receiving from giving her hand. Young ladies should not offer their hands to men who are not relatives, unless under exceptional circumstances, such as after an absence of some weeks, or to especial friends. A gentleman rises when those ladies with whom he is talking rise to take their leave. Ladies calling do not rise,, unless those who are leaving are friends older than themselves. One should be careful not to sit out two or three parties of callers without some motive for doing so. A bore is a person who does not know when you have had enough of his or her company. A call should not be less than fifteen minutes in duration. Choose a moment to leave when there is a lull in the conversation, and the hostess is not occupied with fresh arrivals. Then take leave of your hostess, bowing to those whom you know as you leave the room, not to each in turn, but let one bow include all. A bow never requires any inclination of the body. That style should be left to dancing-masters and to actors on the stage. Where it is the custom to summon a servant to ojien the door, the bell should be rung in good time, and persons on the eve of departure should be detained by the hostess 92 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. in conversation until the servant appears in sight. If the gentleman of the house is present, he escorts ladies to the hall door, but should the weather be cold, they should never permit him to perform a footman's duty for them, for men have often taken severe colds from such expo- sure. Ladies should gently but firmly decline the prof- fered civility, and gentlemen should not insist against their wishes. Neither should ladies thoughtlessly keep each other standing in the draught of open doors, but as speedily as possible take their leave. "Good-bye" is the correct form for leave-taking, and not " good morning." After visitors leave, it is the duty of a hostess to dis- courage any ill-natured comments upon those who have taken their departure, giving people to understand that her roof is not a retreat for that scandal, gossip, and talebearing which civilized liospitality condemns, and which refined hospitality looks upon as vulgar. To be sarcas- tic, to ridicule, or to tattle, is as easy as it is ill bred. A Washington journalist says : " There is one consolation for persons who are made the objects of the shafts of envy, which is, that in the estimation of those with whom alone they can do harm, they who cast them are commonly be- lieved to be the sneaks and liars they always are. No honorable man or virtuous woman can hear evil spoken of others in their absence without forming this opinion of the utterer." When a gentleman has called and not found the lady at home, it is civility upon the part of the lady to express her regret at not seeing him upon the occasion of their next meeting. He should, of course, reciprocate the regret, and not awkwardly reply : " Oh, it was of no consequence. It did not make any difference, I assure you." The lady may be fully aware of this, but it is not civil to tell her so. New Year's calls are made by gentlemen on New Year's CALLS AND CARDS. 93 day in morning dress. Dress coats and white ties are sometimes seen, but nowhere out of France is evening dress approved for " morning calls" on New Year's day or any other day. When admitted, no matter how many ladies there are in the family, only one card is given to the ser- vant, and this card not turned down. In France, cards are often sent by post on the first day of the year. An ex- cellent custom, which it would be well to introduce here. Formal calls are generally made twice a year ; but only once a year is binding, when no invitations have been re- ceived that require calls in return. A medium-sized card is in better taste than a very large one for married persons. Cards bearing the name of the husband alone are smaller. The cards of unmarried men should be very small. • The engraving in simple writing is preferred, and without flourishes. Nothing in cards can look more commonplace than large printed letters, be the type what it may. Young men can dispense with the " Mr." before their name, if they like the European con- tinental custom, which is much imitated in England, though not approved by all. The names of young ladies are often engraved on their mother's cards : both in script. Mrs. Miller Jonbs. The Misses Jones. Some ladies have adopted the fashion of having the daughter's name on the same card with their own and their husband's. Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Miss Jones. 9i SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. This still further reduces the number of cards to be left at a house, and is a very sensible innovation. Glazed cards and note paper are quite out of fashion, as are cards and note paper with gilt edges. As the author of "Social Etiquette" says, the character of persons is frequently judged by the appearance of their cards, but with fashions constantly changing, it is wrong to judge a person from such a standpoint. One may use note paper with a high finish, because of a large supply on hand ; or a card with German text, because of indifference in replacing an old plate with a new one. Still, it is too true that persons are often influenced in their opinion of an individual by just such trifles, and therefore young persons should endeavor to conform to the rules of society at its best, even in such small matters as the selection of their cards and their note paper. More license is given to elderly persons in all such matters. There is a class of people who consider it a mark of superiority to hold themselves in defiance to all rules of etiquette, who affect to despise it, and take pleasure in out- raging it ; but it must be admitted that however well edu- cated in the matter of books these people may be, however intelligent in other directions, yet they are not born among those having fine manners, and accustomed to the require- ments of society, were not reared in high breeding, and are really ignorant of what they so despise. It would seem to be only in accordance with the first principles of common sense that people should acquaint themselves with the re- quirements of etiquette, and examine their causes, before they sweep aside what many of the very great intellects of the world have thought it worth while to approve and accept. There is another class who, not having been instructed IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL LAWS. 95 in traditionary social observances, laugh at rules which they are not familiar with, — rules, too, which the instincts of kind hearts ought to divine almost, but which out of mere thoughtlessness are too often disregarded even by the kind- hearted. Some writer has said : Prominent among the minor sins of major import is the sin of thoughtlessness. It retards action, chafes, irritates, and discourages actors, annuls effort and wastes power, in a word, clogs the wheels of healthful progress to a greater degree, we are persuaded, than stealing, or either of half a dozen other great sins, and yet it is often spoken of as only a sort of venial sin, a mis- fortune, or at most a failing. The descending torrent of the shower-bath braces and stimulates the system ; a forti- eth part of the quantity of the water, falling drop by drop upon the person, would drive a stout man mad. We guard by suitable clothing against the fury of the winter storm ; it is the cloud of impalpable summer dust which blinds and suffocates us. Great misfortunes summon corresponding fortitude and endurance. Great sins work their own cure. Against great criminals we have the protection of the law. It is the small evil-doers, the faulty, the nuisances of society, against whom we have no protection. Excepting with tliose who possess broad minds, cosmo- politan ideas, and enlarged views of life, it is a human pro- pensity to think our own, iu everything, the best there is. Bagehot says: "People, in all but the most favored times and places, are rooted to the places where they were born, think the thoughts of those places, can endure no other thoughts." These are the ones whose influence is the most pernicious if they happen to be placed in influential posi- tions. They are the deadlocks to the wheels of society, or its rocks and boulders which, although the good seed may fall upon in showers, will never furnish soil for fruit until 96 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. they have been transformed from fossils into elements of growth. A journalist says: Neither the little burgh nor the great city should know any difference in the conduct of the indi- viduals composing its population. Allowing for the neces- sary variations in the tenor of daily life in the two places, there should be complete union regarding the proprieties; one code of behavior should cover all, and a person going from one place to the other should be utterly undistinguish- able by his conduct from those around him. If, indeed, every one took pains to be informed concerning the right and best in social intercourse and usage, and looked at the matter as one of real importance and not of frivolous tri- fling, rudeness and gaucherie would soon disappear from among us. In this connection another class of persons may be mentioned. The one comprising that large number who, having seen certain rules in books treating upon eti- quette, rely upon them, instead of upon those unwritten rules which have been handed down in families from gen- eration to generation, with only such changes as the chang- ing states of society require. Here books are prejudicial, because, instead of giving rules suited to the present cus- toms of society, they do little more than repeat the rules of a bygone age. Still another class of persons cite customs prevailing in the best society with which they are familiar, as the gen- eral customs of society at its best. No more effectual bar- rier to progress can be found than this class builds up. Nothing short of a revolution can demolish such barriers, and we have no Caesars nor Napoleons in our American society to ride over them, trampling them down on their ■way. For every item of the regulations of the best society there is a reason, and usually a compulsory one. Having been made intelligently, most of them can be rediscovered IMPORTANCE OF SOCIAL LAWS. 97 by intelligence, although for some of the finer distinctions experience may be necessary. Obedience to these social laws is what obedience to law is in political life, and the obligations which individuals feel in their observance is said to be binding in proportion to the fineness of their sense of honor and the keenness of their self-respect. Etiquette, says the same writer, is the sovereign ruler of social pleasure; its kingdom comprises not only manners, but the application of manners to events. The observance of its laws avoids confusion and maintains decorum, insur- ing to each individual due attention and respect. Its whole attention is to maintain the dignity of the individ- ual and the comfort of the community. Whatever enjoy- ment of our daily existence we have, so far as others are concerned, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole machinery, and keeps every cog and wheel in place and at its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries all things along to their consummation. Surely the science of social intercourse and its regula- tions are worthy of being made a study, as the means through which peoi>le meet each other, maintaining har- mony and peace in their relations, and secui'ing the great- est possible amount of pleasure and comfort to all. 7 98 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE.. CHAPTER III. BECAPITULATBD AND ADDED KULES, WITH COMMENTS— A SENSIBLE PROPOSITION — THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITY — CADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL-MONGERS — INFLU- ENCE OF N:^"WSPAPERS — young AMERICA — ARISTIPPUS'8 PHILOSOPHY. ^' Dans une socim Men organisie chacun doit concourir d, I'agriment de ious; et c'est d ce point de vue que I'Hiquetie d sa raison d'etre^ sans elle il n'y aurait d'ordre nulle part : la foule ne seraii plus gu'une cohue." — E. MuLLER. " Private scandal should never te received nor retailed willingly, for though the defamation of others may, for the present, gratify the malignity of our hearts, yet cool reflection will draw very disadvan- tageous conclusions from such a disposition. In scandal as in rob- Tsery the receiver is always thought as bad as the thief." — Lord Ches- terfeld. ~ " We ought not to speak slightly of others, or of their affairs, for, notwithstanding we may seem by that means to gain the most willing and ready attraction (from the envy which mankind usually conceive at the advantages and honors which are paid to others), yet every one will at length avoid us, as they would a mischievous bull, for all men shun the acquaintance of people addicted to scandal, naturally supposing that what they say of others in their company they will say of them in the company of others." — Galaieo. " Gossip, pretending to have the eyes of an Argus, has all the blind- ness of a bat." — Ouida. The violation of some of the following simjjle rules renders one liable to be thought either haughty, ignorant, or unfriendly. " In addressing strangers, commence with ' Madam ' or RECAPITULATED AND ADDED RULES. 99 ' Sir.' After an interchange of letters ' Dear Sir ' or ' Dear Madam' is more courteous, unless you wish to restrain undue familiarity." " Conclude all formal letters as ' Yours truly/ or ' Very truly yours/ or ' Most truly yours.' Writing to friends use, according to the degree of intimacy, ' Sincerely yours,' 'Faithfully yours,' or 'Affectionately yours.'" " Sign your full name when writing to a friend or equal, not initials with the surname." " An answer to a note should never be more formal than the note, unless intended as a check upon unwarranted familiarity in the mode of writing. "Letters of introduction should receive immediate at- tention. When left with a card, if there is a gentleman in the family, he calls upon the stranger the next day, unless some engagement prevents, when he should send his card with an invitation. If the letter introduces a gentleman to a lady, she writes a note of invitation in answer." " Always reply promptly to a letter or a note, no matter of what nature, and always pay the postage, taking special care that the stamp you use covers the weight. Acknowl- edge all attentions immediately, when possible, such as the sending of a present of game, flowers, books or pamphlets." "After stopping with a friend living in another city than your own, write at once after your return home. After visiting a friend at her country-seat, or after receiving an invitation to visit her, a call is due her upon her return to her town residence." This is one of those occasions upon which the call must be made promptly and in person, un- less you have a reason for wishing to discontinue the ac- quaintance, and even then it would be more civil to take another opportunity for dropping a friend who has wished to show you a civility, unless her character has been irre- trievably lost in the meantime. 100 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. "In writing letters or notes, distinguish between the words ' come ' and ' go.' A friend comes to your house, you go to hers. Examples : ' I will go to you.' ' Will you come to me?'" " Invitations from younger ladies to elder ones should invariably be preceded by a call." " Where visiting has ceased for years between families, as during a prolonged residence abroad, the first call is re- turned within the prescribed time for first calls, viz., from three days to one week." " All invitations should be answered as soon as received." The late Mr. McAllister, of Philadelphia, once said: " Only those who are in the habit of giving frequent en- tertainments can understand the importance of following closely in the footsteps of the best society abroad in the rigid observance of this rule." In addition to the greater convenience of the hostess, which the fulfilment of this rule confers, there is another reason why it should never be neglected, namely : those who violate it lay themselves open to the suspicion of intentional rudeness, when possibly thoughtlessness, or ignorance of the customs of the best society, has been the cause of the dereliction. " It is the duty of a gentleman who attends an enter- tainment to have himself presented to every member of the family whom he does not know ; if not possible upon the evening of the entertainment, upon the first occasion of meeting afterward." This rule is more than ever binding in reference to a daughter just entering society, for whom the entertainment is given, or for a son upon attaining his majority, or for a guest whom you are asked to meet. A man who was once reminded of a gross remissness of this description, replied: " We Patagonians don't run after any one." " After a dinner or an evening party, it is not enough KECAPITULATED AND ADDED RULES. 101 simply to leave a card, without inquiring whether the ladies are at home." A call should then be made in person within one week. Those ladies who have not time to re- turn thanks for an extended hospitality, can leave their cards on any other day than that of a weekly reception, without asking for the family, with the probable result of their time not being overtaxed with invitations from the same source in future. Ladies who complain of not having time to fulfil their social duties to their superiors in age, should remember that what we wish very much to do we always find time to do. Where the lady who has entertained has no weekly re- ception day, it is not customary for her to receive during the days immediately following an entertainment. For this reason, those persons who really wish to be admitted are sometimes tardy in making the required call. " A lady once admitted into a house must be seen at any cost of inconvenience, but a well-trained servant soon learns to discriminate between those ladies who are calling merely to leave their cards and those who are really desirous of being admitted." Any hesitation upon the part of a servant as to whether the lady called upon is receiving, authorizes the leaving of cai-ds instead of waiting to be ushered in, only to be shown out again, as sometimes happens ; and the same privilege extends to the servant, who, if the question is repeated : "Areyou quite sure that the lady is receiving?" is at liberty to present his salver for the cards, unless his mistress is in the drawing-room. The observance of these two rules pre- vents that tiresome and almost inexcusable delay which some ladies occasion by making their toilettes before de- scending to receive their guests, and which justifies a lady in leaving her card without entering, where she has re- peatedly encountered such an experience. 102 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. In a society where this is the rula and not the exception, elderly ladies should be excused from making ceremonious calls upon those who are younger than themselves. Also, when a lady reaches that age which makes it no longer agree- able to her to accept invitations, though she still entertains, she should feel herself at liberty to return the calls of all but her superiors in age and station with invitations, or by cards left in person at the door, without the inquiry being made as to whether the lady is receiving. In the best so- ciety in America, as in the most exclusive circles abroad, it is, however, held binding in all but exceptional cases to make the inquiry. "It is not considered good form to send invitations to older persons until after the first call of the season has been made." " A gentleman, after having himself introduced to a lady who has consented to the introduction, is at liberty to call upon her, or to leave his card at her door. It should bear his direction, that she may be able to return, his atten- tion with an invitation, should it be in her power to do so." Members of clubs or societies entertaining do not leave cards after the entertainment. Only those to whom the invitation is extended out of the club. If not given at a private house, and no card inclosed, no call is binding. Gentlemen not having time to make morning calls can inclose their cards and send them by post. The " London World" has recently been agitating the subject of sending the cards of single gentlemen, recipients of invitations, by post, instead of delivering them by a footman, as is the custom now in London. The writer says: " Our modern practice of interchanging cards is scarcely to be explained on any rational theory of social intercourse. The duty of leaving cards at houses where a dance or din- INTERCnAKQINQ CARDS. 103 ner has been given or may be anticipated, falls as a serious tax on the time and strength of all classes, but especially of the carriagelcss portion of the community; and a griev- ance which was trifling when London distances were less enormous, calls for a remedy when, simply to deliver a card into the hands of a footman, may involve a pilgrimage from Prince's Gate to Portland Place, or from Bayswater to Westminster. No better remedy can be suggested than that which is the most obvious one, namely, the transmis- sion of cards to their destination through the post-office. This plan is, at least, preferable to the alternative plan commonly resorted to by single gentlemen of leaving their cards with a butler over night on trust to deliver them on the following afternoon. If it should be feared that in passing through the post-office cards would lose the senti- ment involved in them, it may be replied that they have long since lost any sentiment worth preserving. Originally they expressed, as they occasionally do now, a genuine re- gret at having failed to meet a friend ; but their existing use is an extension and abuse of their original intention, destitute of any real feeling of friendliness, and expressive of nothing beyond a cold conformity to the received canons of politeness. The accumulated ingenuity of generations has seriously comj)lieated the primitive simplicity of cai-d- leaving. The exact significance of a dog's-eared card, the fitting apportionment of cards in a family, are among the questions which belong to the vastes et vagues, or wild wasteland of unwritten etiquette ; and to expect any one to carry about with him a complete J^nowledge of card lore is as little reasonable as to expect a man to possess a port- able knowledge of the pedigrees of the Plantagenets." This is a sensible proposition, and it is to be hoped that our American gentlemen will not wait for the custom to be established in England before adopting it here. To 104 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Philadelphia belongs the honor of introducing in America the English custom of sending answers to notes of- invita- tion by post. Of course, answers to invitations for dinner, opera, or theatre parties, which require a reply the same day, cannot be trusted to the post where the delivery is not hourly, as in London ; but for invitations which do not require immediate answers, the post is thoroughly re- liable. It has become almost a necessity for ladies who entertain much to receive their answers in this way, other- wise they would be obliged to change their servants con- stantly, for nothing is so wearing to the patience of servants as to be called olf from their daily work every three or four minutes — as when several hundred invitations have been issued — to answer the bell. Much more convenient is it also for the sender of the note to have it dropped in the nearest post-box, instead of sending the servant a mile or more to deliver it. The suggestion, made in an article in " Lippincott's Magazine," early in 1873, was at once acted upon by the members of the Philadelphia Saturday Club in sending out invitations for their weekly suppers. It has since found favor among the oldest and most highly culti*- vated families in that city. Everything which tends to lighten the labors of those who entertain should be regarded; for very often houses are hospitably thrown open, not so much for selfish ends, as because it is a pleasure to fulfil one's social duties where the hostess is met by the same kind feeling which prompts her to the exertion of entertaining, and where her inten- tions are interpreted on" the same broad basis of " peace and goodrwill towards all," which she desires to maintain. " One cannot serve God and mammon " is a quotation often made by persons who seem to forget that the best way of serving God is to serve the world by being of use in it. Those persons who are able to entertain, owe duties THE ETHICS OF HOSPITALITV, 105 to society and to the community which are seldom realized to the extent that they ought to be. Not only is refined social intercourse euconraged, by those who aim at a high standard, in excluding the unrefined, but women who live by their needles are helped to maintain themselves in comfort, merchants are aided, the caterers, or dealers in provision, who supply the suppers, the florists, the musicians, all are helped; to say nothing of the enjoyment conferred upon the young for whose pleasure dances are given. Then, too, we all know how those who do not return their debts of hos- pitality in some way are looked upon. There is no civiliza- tion so high, nor no barbarism so low, that it does not count hospitality among the social virtues. It is so important a thing to the growth of the individual soul, and i.o keeping steady the balance of social economy, that we are not only bound to the practice of it, but to study and consider it in its moral relations, says a writer upon the ethics of hospitality. He tells us that in the countries of Europe hospitality has been reduced to a very complete system, which has, at the back of it all, certain fixed rules that both host and guest are bound to respect. Here, he justly says, we lose much of the good effect of hospitality by a careless disregard of mutual rights. There all is governed by certain social laws, which are as unvarying as the laws of the Medes and Persians. Until we adopt a similar code, he adds, we can- not have anything like a complete social system. It is possible that only those whose homes are social centres realize to the full extent the importance of these rules; otherwise we should not find such gross carelessness pre- vailing in their observance. As we have the right to ex- pect more from those whose education and position are the best, the neglect of social rules by the highly placed is more to their shame than is that of the badly educated; for if training is good for anything at all, it ought to be good all 106 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. through. Good manners are not to be put on for state occasions, like fine clothes, but they should be an integral part of the nature, always there, like the shadow of the substance, the echo of the voice. The secret of the fine manner of the well bred, among the upper classes, resides in the dignified respect which they not only demand for themselves, but which they pay to others. A lady once said to an English nobleman : " Is it pos- sible tliat your men accept invitations to houses in London, and the next day, in the Park, cut the host or the hostess of the night before?" He answered, "Yes, there are men who do it, but they are cads." To be a gentleman, and not a cad, requires that high degree of self-respect which is only equalled by a keen sense of the respect and estima- tion in which others have a right to be held. Self-respect will dictate propriety of deportment in every situation that can present itself, suggesting the due degree of familiarity with intimates, and the right bearing with strangers and toward inferiors. Haughtiness and reserve are not charac- teristics of the gentleman, but of the parvenu. The true gentleman can afford to forget his dignity : the imitator cannot. Silver shines brighter the more you use it; but electroplate must be tenderly used. A gentleman, while conscious of what is due to himself, does not forget what is due to others. He could not, without just cause, 'cut' the man or the woman in whose house he had broken bread, or whose roof had covered him, tecause in doing it he would lose tliat which he most values, namely, his self-re- spect, the most priceless possession that either a man or a woman can hold. Quite recently, an American lady living at a court that is more exclusive than that of St. James, was asked by one of the noblesse, " Are you going to the Blazers' ball?" " I do not know them," was the answer. " Oh, that makes CADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL-MONGERS. 107 no difference ; all that you have to do is to leave your cards, and straightway you will get an invitation back. They will feel honored by your going, and you need never know them afterwards." " I could not accept an invitation to a house where I did not wish to know its inmates," answered the American ; and such must be the instinctive feeling of every true gentlewoman and gentleman. Self-respect has no finer method of expression than that of respect for others. If we could get it firmly implanted as an article of belief that disrespect is an unpardonable vulgarity, we should be quicker to mend our ways, and to pay the tribute we all claim for ourselves as our inalienable due from others, as their inherited and inalienable right also. Whoever receives an invitation is bound to receive it as a mark of kind feeling, and to remember that self-respect requires conformance to all conventional rules in connection with hospitalities extended, as well as that any neglect of such observances shows deficiency either in qualities of the heart or in early training. Even thoughtlessness comes, as we have seen, from inadequate instruction as to the du- ties of life. Some one has truly said that to be thoughtless is to be vulgar. Yet who, of all living men and women, has not been found guilty of some thoughtless act of rude- ness? But a lady, although betrayed by haste or unexpected events into a seeming rudeness, will never commit a pre- meditated one. This is one of the tests of ladyhood from its counterfeit, of sterling gold from base metal; and just as truly as the false coin is sure to be detected in the end, so surely will the genuine coin hold its own value, despite the assertions of those who deny its worth. Society should maintain that esprit de corps which would lead its members to support those who are worthy of re- spect, never permitting their actions to be arraigned by the narrow-minded, sneered at by the envious, or distorted by 108 SENSIBLE BTIQDBTTE. the tale-bearing detractor, without finding some words of defence or extenuation of the conduct of the accused one. There are few persons whose opinions are worth regarding that have not sufficient penetration to fathom the motives of the calumniator, and yet there are some credulous na- tures that believe all that they hear. A lady was once so unfortunate as to have column after column of fictitious eyents in her life given to the public as actual events. In after years one of the most sensible of her friends alluded to one of these incidents as an actual fact. The lady answered, "If you, who are my friend, think me capable of such conduct, what must my enemies think?" "Why I read it myself in a newspaper," was the naive answer. If there is any man on earth that ought to be a man of honor, it is a man that has a newspaper and can say what he pleases, without any one having a chance to defend him- self, says some English writer, continuing, and when that man pretends to be a Christian, and to serve God, and shows his untruth only in very pious forms, is not such a man a strong argument as to the futurepunishmentof the wicked? At last, however, even newspapers are awakening to a knowledge of the evil that they are doing in pandering to plebeian tastes. Says a journalist : " This age will hold its own for inveracity among all the ages of the past; but it bids fair to eclipse the ages of Tiberius and Nero in its reckless assaults upon reputation. That men should deliberately and day after day defame public men in the public prints has ceased to surprise anybody. Frequency blunts the edge of murder even But we cannot help thinking that this age of scandal will finally pass away, and be re- membered and referred to pretty much in the same fashion as the era of witchcraft is remembered and referred to." Most certainly, next to mothers, the public press is re- sponsible for this prevailing inveracity. It gives ere- CADS, SLANDERERS, AND SCANDAL -MONGERS. 109 dence to and perpetuates the unspeakably mean utterances of the slanderer and the scandal-monger. A writer, in the "Washington Republican," says of this class of beings: It is their office to defame virtue and despoil worth, to feed on the failings of the good, and fatten on the follies of the weak. Vile themselves, without a sentiment of honor or decency, they cannot endure to see others respected for traits they do not possess, or beloved for conduct of which they are incapable. Hence they make the estate of purity the prey of their piracies and the object of their plunder. Nothing is so sacred as to deter them, and no eminence is beyond their attack. Is there a man who stands high in the estimation of the public by reason of the excellence of his character and the quality of his endowments, they rest not until they have smirched the one, and disparaged the other by the fiendish devices of innuendo and insinuation, which constitute the weapons of the guilty ambush they keep in perpetual reserve for those they dare not openly assail for fear of popular resentment. Lives there a woman whose fair fame transcends the plane of ordinary attain- ments, because of special attributes, accomplishments, and graces, all the precedents of successful calumny and false- hood are ransacked for suggestion of means to depose and humiliate her, without subjecting the authors of the de- traction to the punishment they deserve. So goes the world, one portion of its inhabitants striving to be worthy of the general esteem, and to achieve the high- est blessings of life for all, while the other portion strains every nerve to pull the aspiring down to the baser level of vulgar existence and vile enjoyments itself attains and en- joys. And unceasingly have the good in all ages labored to solve the problem of morals involved in human instincts and agencies, hoping ever and anon to arrive at such a knowledge of the subject as should enable them to lift up 110 -SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the debased, and reclaim the fallen, and to estabUsh such associations and institutions among men as should ulti- mately remove class antagonism in so far as to admit of brethren dwelling together in unity, and to secure general peace and fellowship. But we fear that while man remains mortal, and therefore frail, this consummation so devoutly to be wished for will remain in abeyance, and the good with which philosophers and philanthropists would crown the happiness of the world will be reserved for the eternal possession. We have no such hope as that which animates the Utopian believer; and the great obstacle in the way of the realization is the spirit of envy which prompts the tongue of the slanderer. Jealousy is the disturber of the harmony of all interests, and unless, by the interposition of Providence, men are made better by supplemental inspira- tion, it will continue to tear down as fast as love and labor shall build up ; and the purposes and pleasures of the good must be forever marred by the will and wickedness of the bad. Forever must virtue suffer from the whispered inti- mations of vice, and honor bow before the imputations of shame. But if this esprit de corps^ already spoken of, could be maintained in society, how much might be abated of the power exercised by evil natures, slanderous tongues, and thoughtless brains ! As long as the very kindness of heart which shapes the course of some members of society is made to confront them in some odious form, as long as there is so little of that charity that thinketh no evil, and so much of that credence of the vilest insinuations that it would seem only demons could breathe, it is as Utopian to look for any esprit de corps in society as to look for a change of character in the depraved, or for angelic natures in the human. In illaste-ation of the odious construction which malevo- CADS, SLANDKRERS, AND SCANDAL -MONGERS. Ill lence can put upon a hospitable act, an incident is given which the compiler vouches for as having occurred in a neighboring city. An invitation for a ball was sent by mistake to the house of a lady, the members of whose family were all strangers to the lady inviting, although the name was the same as that of the invited. The lady to whom the invi- tation was sent had no children; the lady who received it had nine sons and one daughter (as the story was told), who left their cards immediately upon the lady inviting. She was advised by a friend to send for her invitation, but refrained from doing so out of regard for the feelings of the young persons who had left the cards, and, instead, extended her invitation to the sister and one brother, her list being quite too large to add to it the eight remaining brothers. This lady's course was afterwards misrepresentedj and she was held up publicly as having intruded herself upon a family whom she did not know and who did not wish to know her. The degree in which discourtesies are felt depends en- tirely upon the coarseness or the fineness of the moral fibre. The Sybarite complains of the crumpled roseleaf on his couch ; the woman who maintains in her household that observance of the courtesies of life which are too often re- served for the stranger or for company, can never learn to look upon rudenesses in any other light than as social bar- barities, though she may become perfectly indifferent to them. The author too often revels in them, we fear, as en- abling him to "point a moral and adorn a 4ale," as he would otherwise be incapable of doing, for it is impossible for writers. who have had no experience in social inhumani- ties to invent them. "Write, if you must," said a gentleman, several years 112 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. since, to an author, " but for heaven's sake leave out your illustrations." " An author cannot write without illustrations," was the answer. "Even our Lord had to use parables when he wished to instruct." " Yes, and if you want to be crucified, I know of no better way to attain your end. You are ignorant of human nature if you do not know that for every illustration there will be scores of persons who will think that they are each individually meant, and each will become your enemy." The author answered in the witty words of* another, placed in similar circumstances : " I imagine when the people were in the Deluge, they were under such showers and discharges that no one drop hurt them." " I'm used to running the gauntlet," said Tupper, one day to a friend, " and don't care a bit for slander, ridicule, or even libel. Let them rave. No shuttlecock can fly aloft without battledores ; and I know well that all such only help success." There are others again who have to bring in Christian principle to help them bear slander and misrepresentations, — sensitive to praise and to blame, — who, while they pity and forgive, suffer if they cannot make explanations to remove the odium thrown upon them by misrepresenta- tion and falsehood ; but no one can have an opportunity of explaining all such charges, even were it desirable to do so, so that those upon whom stigmas are unjustly affixed often have no resource but to bear them. It is better to try to forget the petty meannesses and trickeries of our kind in recalling the acts and words of noble men and women, which stand like wayside shrines all along the paths of some lives; for the noble attract each other, and the Scrip' ture truth is always repeating itself that to him who hath shall be given. It becomes easy, in time, to look over the INFLUENCE OF NEWSPAPERS. 113 remissness, if not the rudeness, of those who have had fewer opportunities of realizing how neglect of what are to them seemingly trifling observances, affects others who have been trained to regard them as defining the boundary- line between the well bred and those who are not well bred. If we could know all the circumstances that go to make up the characters of the people around us, we would grow as merciful and as pitiful as the angels, it has been said. It is the mother upon whom rests the blame or the credit of the breeding of her child, for it lies in her power to change even its natural disposition, where desirable, by judicious training. They who are unable to feel pity instead of anger, who are unable to return good for evil, and to pass over rude- ness and remissness with Christian charity, who cannot console themselves for undeserved calumnies by the con- sciousness of the purity of their motives, can at least re- member that if they allow the experiences of life to breed in them a contempt for human nature, it will make their lives barren and stormful, while if they open their hearts to pity instead of to condemn, it may result in that calm and helpful action which brings about reforms. A still larger class, however, will find consolation in the known fact that names which lie upon the ground are not easily set on fire by the torch of envy, but that those quickly catch it which are raised up by fame, or wave to the breeze of pros- perity. Every one that passes is ready to give them a shake and a rip, for there are few either so busy or so idle as not to lend a hand at undoing. If you are not clad in an armor that will enable you to defy the assaults of envy, retire into private life, says another writer, who equally well understands human nature when not redeemed by grace. Thackeray touches more than once upon this especial 8 114 SENSIEiE ETIQUETTE. phase of weakness in English society. In " Pendennis," he makes " Pen's " criticism of Lady Muffborough's book ("in which it was difficult to say which was the worst, her French or her English") keenly relished by sonse of her ac- quaintances. To use Thackeray's own words : " Wenham's bilious countenance was puckered up with malignant pleas- ure as he read the critique. Lady MuflFborough had not asked him to her parties during the last year. Lord Fal- coner giggled and laughed with all his heart; Lord Muff- borough and he had been rivals ever since they began life." There are Wenhams and Falconers in all circles of so- ciety ; but just as authors grow callous in time to the attacks of critics, so women in the gay world learn to accept the shafts of the ill natured as mere pin-pricks which leave no abiding effect, and never rise to explain. Society asks no explanations, and expects none, excepting where apologies must be made for gross rudenesses that cannot be passed over unnoticed. Like the patch over the worn place, they often draw attention to what might otherwise never have been noticed. Explanations are bad things, says the Rev. F. Robert- son. You best maintain your own dignity by not making any. Another writer, fully as sensible, touching upon ex- planations, says : "Never enter into explanations concerning those whom you do not invite when you entertain ; it is to give up completely your own rights. Every Englishman's home is his castle. If he gives up any of the ground on which it stands, he will be invaded." This is advice, however, which few people really need. They generally exercise full independence in such matters; although there are some who are deterred from entertain- ing because of the disposition to calumniate which those who entertain provoke in the uninvited. This state of things, together with the remissness of the young, has had its effect in substituting quite another class of entertain- INFLUKNCE OF NEWSPAPERS. 115 ments for balls and dancing parties, — namely, day recep- tions and kettle-drums. It is not out of place here to show how this has operated by an illustration. The wife of one of our most distinguished American gentlemen, and the wife of one of our ex-Cabinet ministers, in conversation with a third lady, acknowledged they had both ceased to give entertainments for young people, owing to the want of appreciation shown of the efforts of hostesses to con- tribute their quota to the social gayeties of their respective circles. " Not unfrequently ," remarked one of these ladies, "I am passed on the street by some of these young girls, with a movement of the chin and eyelids which is intended to serve the purpose of a bow, but which serves only to show their breeding. The young men whom I have in- vited, at the request of some common friend, do not think it worth their while to recall themselves to my memory by bowing the next time they meet me, and the sons of some of my friends, instead of coming up to speak with me for a moment and pass on, when they meet me for the first time after having spent an evening at my house, avoid catching my eye even. Some young married people are almost as remiss, never approaching me to express the pleasure they had, orthe regret they felt, as the case may be, and, con- sequently, Mr. 01d6cole and I prefer to give dinners in- stead of balls, and to confine our invitations to persons who know what common civility requires." The second lady answered : " Dear me ! you are much more exacting than I am. All that I asked, or even expected, was a prompt answer, and a card left at my door, by each of the guests whom I had invited; but when that became too much trouble for my young friends to do, it then became too much trouble for me to turn my house upside down for their pleasure. Now I give kettle-drums, wliich require no answers, nor no cards left afterwards by those who 116 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE come." These ladies spoke the thoughts of many others of the family Oldecole, who rebel too much against the re- missness of some of our untrained young people to permit that extent of hospitality which would be gladly shown if the manners of all young people were such as to exhibit any appreciation of courtesies extended to them. " I have given my last dance," said an old lady, whose delight it was to gather young people around her for the sake of witnessing the pleasure that it was in her power to give. " I cannot invite the civil, and leave out the uncivil, when I give a ball ; but I can do so when I give the class of entertainments that I shall confine myself to in future." Such a comment upon society reveals the fact that this age needs to be one of social reform. That reaction which has set itself in opposition to the rigid formalism of the past has brought with it a train of evils which has weak- ened morals as well as helped to destroy good manners, but we cannot hold this reaction altogether responsible for the evils complained of. They lie quite as much at the doors of mothers and teachers and editors of newspapers. The writer of an editorial, "Do Amerijan Women Con- verse Well," published in the " Philadelphia Evening Bul- letin," many years since, .stated that no man who had not travelled had seen a Woman. Tiie writer went much too far in making such a sweeping assertion, for we fancy that in his own 3come good wives, good mothers and good teachers, we shall have a society in which the well-bred will predom- inate over the ill-bred. Woman's mission in the future lies in the instruction and *the elevation of mankind; for the pi-esent, in the instruction and elevation of her own sex. This idea of informing the masses belongs to our times ; it opens out new doctrines to the world. When one reflects what might have been accomplished, had but One-half the effort bent upon securing the elective fran- chise to women been expended in revealing to them their true mission, one is ready to exclaim against the blindness that has prevented such -aspirants from seeing the magnifi- cent iield of their legitimate labor, stretching as it does be- fore them into eternity. When once a glimpse of the grand work that the Creator has assigned to woman breaks upon her, it is as when an astronomer, sweeping the heav- ens with his glass, turns it upon some nebulous group of stars for the first time, while world upon world reveals itself to his vision. What do women want with votes, when they hold the sceptre of influence with which they can control €ven votes, if they wield it aright? But so to wield it they must have that education which enables them to stand side by side with their brothers, their husbands, their friends. It was Sheridan, who, seeing how vast the power they hold, how irresistible the influence they exert, conceived the idea of establishing for them in England a national education, because of the little care generally bestowed upon their studies and their training Women govern us, said he ; let us try to render them perfect; the more they are enlightened, so much the more shall we be. On the cultivation of the mind of womeu depends the wisdom of men. It is by women that nature writes indelible lessons on the heart of man. Not only woman's mission. 153 when she fills the sphere of a wife, a mother, a teacher, but in every state of life it is woman who has it in her power to influence for good or for evil the men with whom she is thrown. The silent influence of example in her home does much; the precepts that flow from her lips clothe themselves with power because of her example. How often is the remark made that the ignorant and the depraved among men crowd away from the polls the intelligent and the high-minded. Would women of no educaflbn, and no character, stay away^to make room for women of cultivated minds and pure hearts? To improve our legislation we stand in need of the votes of the educated classes, not of the illiterate, and yet it is the votes of the latter class that would be increased in number by women suffrage. Women are neither warriors, magistrates nor legis- lators, says Aim6 Martin. They form one-half of the human race, which, on account of its very weakness, has escaped the corruptions of our power and of our glory. Oh, let them cease to regret that they have no share in those fatal passions ; let them leave to us legislation, the political arena, armies, war; were they to partake of our fury, who would there be on earth to appease it ? Herein lies their influence, here is their empire. Here woman's mission .reveals itself. In their souls, much more than in the laws of legislators, repose the futurity of the world and the destinies of the human race. As they bear in their bosoms future generations, so likewise do they carry in their souls the destinies of these generations. But not alone, as has already been said— not alone to those women who become wives and mothers are these destinies confided. Every woman has a share in this work. Let her see that it is done to the best of her ability. H a man's pen is mightier than his sword, so 154 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. also is a woman's pen mightier than her vote. If her domestic avocations do not engross all her time, and she has the gift of the pen, she can use it, though ever so feebly, in behalf of some one of the great educational movements of the day. Then may we hope that this age will be spoken of by a future generation as one of educa- tional reform, in which women learned that their strength lies not in the ballot-box, but in their influence as daugh- ters, sisters, wives, mothers, teachers and writers. The weakest woman, by concentrating her powers, an(J using them steadily on a single subject, can accomplish some- thing. " Work for some good, be it ever so lowly : Labor, all labor, is noble and holy;" and in due time you shall reap if you faint not. No good seed ever dies. When the hand that has planted it is cold in death, the fruit will ripen for an immortal har- vest. The true field of woman's labor lies all around her; first in her home, next in fields outside, if she has strength and ability for other work. According to the talents intrusted to her care is the weight of every woman's responsibility. Providence has placed her just where her work is to be done. If she is contented to do the duty that lies nearest to her; and if faithful in small things, her life-work will broaden before her, growing richer and fuller as the years speed on. The fulness and richness of a mother's mission does not come to all, but where it does come, what higher or nobler work is assigned to her ? She holds in her hands the future destinies of her children, as Napoleon said. Aim6 Martin, writing of a mother's love and a mother's influence, says there is a power always acting beneath our eyes, an invariable love, a creative will (the only one on woman's mission. 155 earth, perhaps, which seeks but for our happiness), left without direction since the beginning of the world, for •want of general and enlightened appreciation of its impor- tance. What is the child to the preceptor? It is an ignorant being to be instructed. "What is the child to the mother? It is a soul which requires to be formed. Good teachers make good scholars, but it is only mothers that form men ; this constitutes all the difference of their mission. We know that good statesmen are needed to regulate our laws, and to make new ones which will protect, the rights and ameliorate the wrongs of women ; but it is woman's lofty privilege to mould and form the minds of statesmen. Let her never forget that although armies are required to control nations, it is the diffusion of knowledge and morality that civilizes and saves them. 156 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTEE V. DIHNBES — ^EXCLUSIVE SOCIETY — ^LIVrNG FOE OTHERS. Never forget that at a dinner, as on all occasions of hospitality, it is your chief duty to relieve the hostess from every annoyance or care. It must not be imagined that the dinner is simply given for the purpose of giving a gross and purely material pleasure. It puts you in company with persons of consideration, and gives you an opportunity to display your intelligence, or to cause your good qual- ities to be appreciated. — Baron de Mortemat Boissi. I cannot omit here to mark down my hatred, scorn, and indigna- tion towards those miserable snobs who come to dinner at nine, when they are asked at eight, in order to make a sensation in the company. — Thackeray. One day, coming home from the club, Mr. Gray conveyed to his wife the astonishing information that he had asked Goldmore to dinner. " My love," says Mrs. Gray, in a tremor, " how could you be so cruol? "Why, the dining-room won't hold Mrs. Goldmore." ' ' Make your mind easy, Mrs. Gray ; her ladyship is in Paris." ■ — Thackeray, SI^■CE dinner parties, served after the Russian fashion, liave become the prevailing mode, a host and hostess are able to entertain without anxiety, provided they have well-drilled servants and a good cook. Dexterity, rapid- ity, and, above everything else, quietness, added to a thorough knowledge of their duties, form the essential requisites of good butlers and waiters. Invitations for a dinner party are not sent by post in our cities, and are only answered by post where the distance is such as to DINNERS. 157 make it inconvenient to send a servant. They are issued in the name of the gentleman and lady of the house ten days or one week in advance. They should be answered as soon as they are received, and, if accepted, the engage- ment should, on no account, be lightly broken. This rule is a binding one, as the non-arrival of an expected guest produces disarrangement of plans. The hours most gen- erally selected are six, seven and eight o'clock. To be exactly punctual on these occasions is the only politeness. If you are too early, you are in the way; if too late, you spoil the dinner, annoy the hostess, and are backbitten by the guests. Whom to invite is a consideration which requires the exercise of judgment and discretion. Dinners are gener- ally looked upon as entertainments for married people and the middle-aged, but it is often desirable to have some young unmarried persons also, notwithstanding the clever author of Miss Majoribanks says "that young people are the ruin of society." Those whom you invite should be of the same standing. They need not necessarily be friends, nor even acquaintances ; but, as at a dinner, people come into closer contact than at a dance, or any other kind of a party, those only should be invited to meet one another who move in the same class of circles. Care must necessarily be taken that those whom you think will be agreeable to each other are placed side by side around the festive board. Good talkers are invaluable at a dinner party — ;)eople who have fresh ideas and plenty of warm words to clothe them in ; but good listeners are equally invaluable. At one of our watering-places, a celebrated historian, a distinguished statesman, and a well-known author, were invited to dine with a man of wealth who was renowned for his hospitality. The dinner party consisted of only 158 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. ten persons, and conversation was general, or would have been, but that the author so resembled- the exhilarating champagne he was drinking (in the continued effervescing of an endless stream of sparkling bubbles), that no other gnest had an opportunity to contribute a share. If the historian essayed to make a quotation, scarcely had the first words escaped his lips when the author seized upon it and finished it for him ; but so brilliant, so witty, so stimulating was his talk that every one at the table lis- tened with pleasure, though all sighed for an opportunity to utter some of the clever thoughts that were called iuto life by the action of his mind upon their own. . When the calm and dignified statesman waited upon the wife of the historian to her carriage, she said to him, "My hus- band has long wished to meet you, Mr. Blank." His answer was, "And I have equally wished to meet him. Now we have only seen each other, but we have all heard, as well as seen, Mr. Dash." No one should ever monopolize conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of a bore, and to be avoided as such. A host and hostess generally judge of the success of a dinner by the manner in wiiich conversation has been sus- tained. If it has flagged often, it is considered a proof that the guests have not been congenial ; but if a steady stream of talk has been kept up, it shows that they have smoothly amalgamated as a whole. There are some epicures who fancy that their dishes are not appreciated, if the conversation becomes very ani- mated. One of these gourmets, who prided himself upon the perfection to which he had brought his dinners, found his guests upon one occasion getting too deeply absorbed in conversation, and signalled to his butler to stop serving the courses After some delay, questioning glances were DINNERS. 159 exchanged around the table, and a dead pause followed the hum and buzz. The butler was then notified that the dinner could go on ! This gentleman, who was a man of distinction, never made the mistake of having too many courses, nor of serving too great a variety of wines, nor of keeping his guests too long at the table ; but the wines were priceless, and the dishes served were faultless in every respect, as well as all the appointments of the table. A snow-white cloth of the finest damask, beautiful china, glistening cut glass, or fine engraved glass, and polished plate, are considered essential- to a grand dinner. Choice flowers, ferns and mosses tastefully arranged, add much to the beauty of the table. At the right of each cover, a sherry and hock, champagne, claret and Burgundy glass are placed, with a tumbler or goblet for water. A salt-cellar should be in reach of every guest, and a water-carafFe. Napkins should be folded square, and placed with a roll of bread on each plate. To find them folded in intricate forms is too suggestive of their having been in other hands than your own, and is considered boarding-house or hotel style. The dessert is placed on the table amidst the flowers, the natural fruit, garnished with green leaves, and the crystallized, in tiny-fluted and lace-bordered white paper shells, piled on their respective dishes. An epergne or low dish of flowers graces the centre; stands of bon-bons and confectionery are ranged on both sides of the table, with candelabra at each end, which complete the necessary decorations. No wine is placed on the table. The name of each guest, written upon a card and placed on the plates, marks the seat assigned ; the arrangement of which the hostess may have found to involve as much thought as a game of chess, for in no way is tact more called into exer- cise than in the distributing of guests at a dinner-table. " The numbers at a dinner should not be less than the 160 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Graces, nor more than the Muses." "When this rule is observed, the host will be able to designate to each gentle- man the lady whom he is to conduct; but when the num- ber exceeds this limit, it is an excellent plan to have the name of each couple written upon a card and inclosed in an addressed envelope, ready to be handed to the gentle- men, by a servant, before entering the drawing-room, or left on a tray for the guests to select those which bear their names. If a gentleman finds upon his card the name of a lady with whom he is not acquainted, he requests the host to present him immediately after he has spoken with the hostess, also to any members of the family with whom he is not acquainted. All the guests should have themselves introduced to the one for whom the dinner is given. Should two persons, unknown to each other, find themselves placed side by side at a table, they enter into conversation without any introduction. Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest. Then the dinner should be announced, and the host offers his right arm to the lady who is to be escorted by him ; the others follow, arm in arm, the hostess being the last to leave the drawing-room. Age should take the precedence in proceeding from the drawing-room to the dining-room, the younger falling back until the older have advanced. A host waits upon the oldest lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride present, precedence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for another person. The hostess is escorted either by the eldest gentleman or the greatest stranger, or some one whom she wishes to place in the seat of honor, which is on her right. The host places the lady whom he escorts upon his right. The seats of the host and hostess may be at the middle, on opposite sides of the table, or at the ends. The servants commence upon the right of the master in DINNERS. 161 passing the dishes, ending with the lady of the house ; and with the guest on their mistress's right, ending with the master. A master or mistress should refrain from speaking to their servants at dinner, let what will go wrong. Care should be taken that they wear thia-soled shoes, that their steps may be noiseless, and if they use napkins in serving (as is the English custom), instead of gloves, their hands and nails should be faultlessly clean. One waiter to four persons, where there is a butler to carve, is sufficient ; and if well trained, one for every six is quite enough. A good servant is never awkward ; he turns the bottle after pour- ing each glass of wine, so as to prevent the last drop from trickling down or falling on the ladies' dresses, or protects it with his napkin. He avoids coughing, breathing hard, or treading on a lady's dress ; never lets any article drop, and deposits plates, glasses, knives, forks and spoons noise lessly. It is now considered good form for a servant not to wear gloves in waiting at table, but to use a damask napkin, with one corner wrapped around the thumb, that he may not touch the plates and dishes with the naked hand. A dining-room should have a carpet on it, even iu sum- mer, to deaden the noise of the servants' footsteps. The chairs should be comfortable, and a footstool should be provided for each lady. The temperature should be care- fully attended to, that the room may be neither too cool nor too warm. The light should be in profusion, thrown on the table from a sufficient height not to create any glare in the eyes of the guests. As soon as seated, remove your gloves, place your table- napkin partly opened across your lap, your gloves under it, and your roll on the left hand side of your plate. If raw oysters are already seryed, you at once begin to eat ; 11 162 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. to wait for others to commence is old-fashioned. Takfe soup from the side of the spoon, and avoid making any sound in drawing it up or swallowing it. If you have occasion to speak to a servant, wait until you can catch his eye, and then ask in a low tone for what you want. The mouth should always be kept closed in eating, and both eating and. drinking should be noiseless.. A wine- glass is held by the stem, not by the bowl. Never drink a glassful at once, nor drain the last drop. Bread is broken at dinner. Vegetables are eaten with a fork. Asparagus can be taken up with the fingers, if so preferred. Olives and artichokes are always so eaten. It is well to observe what others do when any doubts exist in the mind, as customs differ everywhere. Fish and fruit are eaten with silver knives and forks. If silver fish-knives are not provided, a piece of bread in the left hand answers the purpose as well, with the fork in the right.* A soup-plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful. As the plate of each course is set before you with knife and fork upon it, remove the knife and fork instantly. This instruction cannot be too carefully observed. The serving of an entire course is delayed by neglecting to remove them. To a hostess, it is very try- ing to look down the sides of her table and see plate after plate with the knives and forks on them, which have to be removed by her servants, and placed at the side of the plates as they are serving; when, if her guests had not been inattentive to their duties, they would have been taken off as soon as the plate had been set before them, and the servants spared the awkwardness of doing it. Anything like greediness or indecision must not be indulged in. You must not take up one piece and lay it * In England, it is considered to be underbred ever to transfer the fork to the right hand. DINNBEiS. 163 clown in favor of another, or hesitate. It looks gauche in the extreme not to know one's mind about trifles. Ladies seldom take cheese at dinner-parties, or wine at dessert. Cheese is eaten with a fork, and not with a knife. Never allow the butler, or the one who pours, to fill your glass with wine that you do not wish to drink. A well-trained servant mentions the wine before pouring it; and where one has not been trained to do so, you can check him by touching the rim of your glass. You are at liberty to refuse a dish that you do not wish" to eat. If any course is set down before you that you do not wish, do not touch it. Never play with food, nor mince with your bread, nor handle the glass and silver near you unnecessarily. Finger-glasses, with water slightly warmed and per- fumed, are preferable to passing a silver basin in which each dips his napkin in turn. Remove the d'oyley to the left hand, and place the finger glass upon it as soon as the dessert-plate has been placed before you. The dinner napkin is to be used for wiping the fingers, and never the d'oyley, unless at family dinners, where colored ones are used. Toasts and drinking the health are out of date with us happily, but no one can refuse when asked to drink with another. It is sufficient to fasten your eye upon the eye of the one asking you, bow the head slightly, touch the wine to your lips, and again bow before setting down the glass. The mouth should always be wiped with the napkin both before and after drinking. Have no fear in taking the last piece on the dish when it is offered to you. It is more uncivil to refuse it than to take it. If you break anything, do not apologize for it. Show the regret that you feel in your manner, but do not put it into words, while you are at the table. 164 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. The lady of the house should instruct her servants not to remove her plate until her guests have finished. The duties of a hostess are not onerous; but they demand tact, good breeding, and self-possession. If she speaks of any omission by which her servants have inconvenienced her guests, she must do it with dignity, not betraying any undue annoyance. She must put all her guests at their ease, and pay every possible attention to the requirements of each and all around her. No accident must disturb ' her; no disappointment embarrass her. Her precious china and her rare glass, if broken before her eyes, she must seem not to be aware of it. The host must aid the hostess in her efforts ; be must have the genius of tact to perceive, and the genius of finesse to execute, ease and frankness of manner, a knowledge of the world that nothing can surprise, a calmness of temper that nothing can disturb, and a kindness of disposition that can never be exhausted. He must encourage the timid, draw out the silent, and direct conversation rather than sustain it himself. He who does not strive after this end is wanting in his duty as a host. Never reprove servants before any one. No matter what may go wrong, a hostess possessing savoir vivre will never seem to notice it, to the annoyance of her guests. By passing it over herself, it will escape the attention of others, very frequently. If her guests arrive late, she must welcome them as cordially as if they liad come early; but as she will commit a rudeness towards those who arrive punctually by waiting long, she must not feel compelled to remain in her drawing-room beyond the fifteen minutes of grace that custom has pre- scribed. Thackeray is very severe upon those who arrive late; but unavoidable mistakes in the hour, made some- times by those who are entirely innocent of any wish to produce a sensation, cause guests to be very uncharitable, DINNERS. 165 although the host and hostess may not be so. Gentlemen cannot be invited without their wives, where other ladies than those of the family are present; or ladies without their husbands, when other ladies are invited with their husbands. This rule has no exceptions. It seems that it had never entered Mrs. Gray's mind that Mr. Goldmore could have been invited even to a family dinner, and Mrs. Goldmore left at home, to dine alone. But this is con- stantly done when men alone are invited. Some persons feel slighted if their guests receive any attentions that are not extended to themselves. But four out of one family would go far towards constituting a family dinner ; and it is not reasonable, where the dinner is a very small one, to expect to be included. When the dinner is a large and ceremonious one, some member or members of the family with whom the invited guests are staying,- should be invited with them. Epergnes are now often replaced Dy low dishes' of majolica, crystal, or silver, filled with flowers. These are preferable, as they do not hide the faces around tlie table. Every hostess now has her own ideas in reference to embel- lishing a dinner-table, which prevents tliat tiresome uni- formity that used to prevail. The host has the same privilege in his wines, both in the order of serving and in the variety. Everywhere, however, Sherry is served with soup, and Sauterne or Hock with fish. As a general rule, Americans prefer Champagne, served after fish, with all the courses; but red wine should be provided for those who prefer it. Red wine should never be iced, even in summer. Burgundy for game, and Claret for sweets, should be made the temperature of the room, or a trifle warmer. It destroys the flavor of choice wines to ice them or to heat them too much. Lumps of ice should never be 166 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. placed in any glasises excepting those used for wafer. Champagne is iced in the bottles. The glasses are removed by the servants when the crumb knife is used, and replaced with Madeira and Sherry glasses for the sweets and dessert. One must not speak of Sherry wine, Port wine, etc., but • of Sherry and Port. Choose your wine and keep it, never taking but one kind at dessert. The butler pours the wines in turn, mentioning the name of each wine, and pouring it immediately, unless signalled not to do so. If he pours more than you wish, you check him by touching your glass. Port, when passed witli the cheese, is left on the table with the Sherry and Madeira, after the one or the other has been served to all the guests. When the hostess sees that all have finished, she looks at the lady who is sitting on the right of the host, and the company rise, and return in the order that they are seated without precedence. When not served at the table, coffee is passed in the drawing-room almost im- mediately. An hour or so later, tea is passed to those guests who have not already taken their departure. On the arrival of each carriage, a servant enters and an- nounces it in a low tone to the owner. As eating with another under his roof is in all conditions of society regarded as a sign of good will, those who par- take of proffered hospitalities only to slander and abuse their host and hostess, should remember that in the opin- ion of all honorable persons they injure themselves only by doing so. The Count of Monte Cristo makes it a strong point that he has eaten nothing under the roof of those he is plotting against; and this has been the feeling, from the earliest times, of gentlemen and ladies, and has survived in all its force to the present day with the well- trained and the honorable-minded. DINNERS. 167 Calls should be made shortly after a dinner party by all who have been invited, whether the invitation was ac- cepted or not. Those who are in the habit of giving din- ners though en petit comite, or even only en famille, should return the invitation before another dinner invitation is extended. Society is very severe upon those who do not return their debts of hospitality, if they have the means to do so. If they never entertain any one, because of lim- ited means, or for other good reasons, it is so understood, and never. expected that they should make exceptions; or if they are in the habit of giving other entertainments, and not dinners, their debts of hospitality can be returned by invitations to whatever the entertainment may be. Some are deterred from accepting invitations by the feel- ing that they cannot return tlie hospitality in as magnificent a form. It is not the costly preparations, nor the ex- pensive repast offered, which are the most agreeable fea- tures of any invitation, it is the kind and friendly feeling that is shown. Those who are not deterred from accepting such invitations for this reason, and who enjoy the fruits of the friendliness thus shown them, must possess narrow views of their duty, and very little self-respect, if, when an opportunity presents itself in any way to reciprocate the kind feeling manifested, they fail to avail them- selves of it. The judgment of society is equally as hard on such, as was Thackeray upon those who arrived late at a dinner, and the mean man, in his estimation, was as snob- bish as the ostentatiously profuse one, or as the pretentious one. True hospitality, however, neither expects nor desires any return, and it is only the inhospitable that keep a debt and credit account. It is a mistake to think tlut in giving a dinner it is indispensable to have certain dishes, and a variety of 168 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. wines, because others serve them. Those who entertain constantly, often use their own discretion, and never feel obliged to do as others do, if they wish to do differently. Some of the most enjoyable dinners given are those which are the least expensive. We have too many courses, too great a variety of wines, keep our guests too long at the table. The last Napoleon said no man was excusable for keeping his guests over two hours at the table; but how often do we hear the ignorant speaking of the number of hours (sometimes four or five), as the gauge of the suc- cess of a dinner. One of the best of American men once (»lled a menu, copied from the dinner of a foreign min- ister who is still famous for his good dinners (at a certain European Court where no bad dinners are ever heard of), " a starvation menu," rejoicing th^t he was not one of the invited guests. Another American, who is the very prince of hospitality himself, shook his head and criticized the menu of a dinner served in a royal palace, as having too few courses, too few wines. It is this general feeling that people cannot entertain without committing all sorts of extravagances, which caiises many persons, in every way well qualified to do in- calculable good socially, to exclude themselves from all general society. The result is that minds which are expanded by culture and experience are frequently shut out from the sphere where their influence is most needed. Mere boys and girls, in certain circles, constitute and control society; and those who strive for a reformation, have in more than one instance been made the victims of the boorishnessaud the want of cultivation which they condemned ; while others, among the better cultivated, who should have stood by them, in behalf of the interests of society, have helped to swell the tide of ridicule that was encountered. DINNERS. 169 111 these days, intellect is transferred from the head to the heels, and when we ask what is discussed at parties, the appropriate answer would be, " people dance." This will not be remedied until the silly spirit of rivalry and ostentation is subdued, and people learn that it is possible ,to receive friends without turning their homes into res- taurants. Let those who have the gift of entertaining, by promoting conversation among their guests, and putting them at ease, receive their friends freely, without feeding them. In our large cities, receptions without suppers are well attended. Their great point of advantage has alreadj-- been shown in a previous chapter. That man is to be pitied who cannot enjoy social intercourse without eating and drinking. The lowest orders, it is true, cannot im- agine a cheerful assembly without the attractions of the table, and this reflection alone Ghould induce all who aim at intellectual culture to endeavor to avoid placing the choicest phases of social life on such a basis. Some of the most charming dinners given are those which are the least expensive. No variety of wines is necessary. Sherry for the soup and sweets, and red wine, or Champagne, are sufficient. When everything is good in quality, and the dishes are well dressed, served hot and in proper succession, with their adjuncts, and where the guests are congenial, a degree of enjoyment will be insured that no one need be afraid to offer. A spotless tablecloth, tiiin glass — though neither engraved nor cut, the plainest china — if not cracked or fractured at the edges, are all that is absolutely necessary in the way of table appointments, pro- vided the silver and the cutlery are in equally good con- dition Small dinners can always be better served than large ones, and the hostess who has only her own well- trained servants to wait on the table can enjoy the society 170 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. of her guests, as she is not able to do when the number is so large that waiters must be called in to assist. Some wait- ing-maids are as thoroughly trained and as expeditious as any butler can be, and it is much better, where two men servants are not kept, to have the waiting-maid assist, than to trust a stranger, when the dinner is a small one. The following verses give a clue to the secret of the highest enjoyment of all social gatherings, be they small or large. In this menu for two we see it was the com- panionship, the sympathy that existed, which secured the enjoyment of the dinner more than the number of courses; and that even a "starvation dinner," may be made a feast of love and a flow of soul : "We dined. A fish, from the river beneath, A cutlet, a bird from the windy heath Where we had wandered, happy and mute ; It was a silent day with as — In the early time it is often thus ; But my sweet love chatted when came the fruit. " Fl.avor of sunburnt nectarine. And the light that danced thro' a wine-glass thin, Pilled with juice of the grape of Ehine ; She talked and laughed about this and that, Easy, exquisite, foolish chat, While her pretty, fluttering hand sought mine. " And I thought: Come glory or come distress. In this wonderful, weary wilderness. This hour is mine till the day of death ; The fruit, the wine, and my lady fair. With a flower of the heath in her dim brown hair, And a sigh of love in her fragrant breath." A more matter of fact menu is the one before referred to, as used at a small dinner given in a royal palace, which is as follows : DINNERS. 171 MENU I. Potage Tortue & I'Anglaise — Zeres. Petits Chartreuses ii la Valenoienne — Ch. Lafltte. Darnes de Saumon S. la St. Cloud^Ch. d' Yquem. Quartier de Chevreuil glace k la Varin — Champagne. C6telettes d'Agneau S, la Richelieu — Bourgogne. Dindonneaux bardes rotis, garni de Cresson — Steinberger, 1846. Salade aux truffes a I'Eugdnie — Steinberger, 1846. Fonds d' Artichauts k la Lyonnaise — Champagne. Pouding k la d'Albertas — Champagne. DESSERT Compotes assortis et glace — Vieille Madere. Oranges, Eaisin frais et bon-bons, Canaris. It will be seen that Champagne was served with the sweets, as is the Continental custom. Biscuit, cheese, coffee and cordials are never placed on foreign menus, but are always served. When the dinner has been a protracted one, coffee and cordials are passed in the drawing-room ; but when it has not exceeded the limited two hours it is better to have them passed before leaving the table, as in France. Gentlemen do not remain to smoke after the ladies leave; but the host provides cigars in his library, billiard-room, or smoking-room, as he chooses. The menu of the " starvation dinner" was as follows : MENU II. Sherry — Consomme t la Royale. Puree S, la Eeine. Petites timbales aux champignons. Hock — Poisson, sauce HoUandaise. Champagne— Quartiers de chevreuil, sauce poivrade. Vol-au-vont k la Parisienne. C6telettes d'agneau, k la puree de marrons. Aspic de homards. Terrapin. Sherry. Punch a la Eomaine. Burgundy — Cailles rotis, salade. Asperges en branches. Sherry — Timbale de fruits, k la vanilla. Glaces, dessert, bon-bons. 172 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. The custom of passing two kinds of soup, and two kinds of fish, greatly retards the speedy serving of the dinner when the number of guests is large, and it is, therefore, better when only one kind is handed. Another menu from a dinner given by a Prussian noble- man, whose ohef de cuisine and eonfiseur are almost as renowned (in their line) as is the nobleman himself, in another line, is as follows : MENU III. Le consomme Richelieu. Kissoles k la Monglas. Turbot, sauco aux huitres et homards. Selle de chevreuil, sauce poivrade et groseille. Supremes de volailles S, la Marechale. Filets de gclinottes ^ la perigord. Chaufroix do foies gras a. la gel^e. Sorbets au champagne. Paisans de Boheme. Fonds d'artichaux ^ la Lyonnaise. Savarin a I'Ananas. Glaces fruits, bon-bons. With this dinner, biscuit and cheese were handed in their course, green peas, delicious cakes and sweets, the handiwork of the eonfiseur, and coffee and cordials. The amount of money expended upon the teaching of cooks and pastry cooks of wealthy noblemen would astonish many of ovlv gourmets. An American lady, for whom a dinner was given by a foreign nobleman, asked him where he had found a cook who could prepare and serve up such marvellous dishes, fancying he would say he had brought him from Paris. The answer was that he had taken a peasant woman from one of his own estates, and sent her first to Paris, and then to Berlin, paying large sums for her instruction, and keeping her in practice by sending her DINNERS. 173 from time to time to famous chefs de cuisine in his own city. One more menu: this time of a state dinner, given for a Grand Duchess in Paris : MENU IV. Potage Sultane. Timbales 3, la Parisienne. Saumon, Sauce Crevettes. Filet de Bceuf k la Montmorency. Supremes de Filets de Volailles aux Truffes. C6telette de Chevreuil sauce poivrade. Pain de Foies gras en Bellevue. Punch S. la Komaiiie. Perdreaux et Cailles d, la Perigueux. Salade de Romaine. Petits pois §, la Francaise. Napolitain. Madeleines Glacfies. Bills of fare in English, are better than those written in French, for this side of tiie water. Servants hand the dishes to the left of the guests, when passing the courses. A gentleman who entertained company frequently at dinner had an attendant who was a native of Africa, that never could be taught to hand things invariably to the left hand of the guests at table. At length his master thought of an infallible expedient to direct him; and, as the coats were then worn single-breasted, in "ihe present Quaker fashion, he told him always to hand the plate to the button-hole side. Unfortunately, however", for the poor fellow, on the day after he had received this inge- nious lesson there was among the guests at dinner a gen- tleman with a double-breasted coat, and the African was, for a while, completely at a stand. He looked first at one side of the gentleman's coat, then at the other, and 174 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. finally, confounded at the outlandish make of the stranger's garments, he cast a despairing look at his master, and, ex- claiming in a loud voice, "Button-holes on both sides, massa !" handed the plate over the gciitleraau's head. ' ' Reaching the table, it was formerly the custom in old- school circles for every lady to remain standing until the hostess had reached her chair, she not seating herself until after the ladies who were her guests were seated. Now, for the greater convenience of the gentlemen who escort the ladiesj they take their seats, leaving their cavaliers to remain standing until the hostess is seated. When a breakfasty a lunch, or a dinner, is served after the Russian fashion, no one should ask a second time for any dish; but when passed more than once, one is, of course, at liberty to take a second portion. Servants pass the various dishes, after the French mode, when the por-? tions are not taken off by the butler at a side table, and -the plate with its portion set down in front of each guest, as is frequently done when the guests number over twenty. This method of serving, though not so well approved, greatly facilitates the necessary dispatch, and is strictly d, la jBiwse. The knives and forks* used in the course, pre^ viously placed on a cold plate in front of each person, are immediately removed by the guest (as before instructed). The servant who takes the hot plate, with the portion which the butler has served on it, removes the cold plate with the other hand, replacing it with the hot one and its contents. Here will be seen the importance of the imme- diate refiioval by each guest of the knife and fork, as otherwise the one serving is obliged to remove them, or is delayed by their tardy removal. * La fourchette ne so pose jamais sur le dos. Tous les utensiles de table ne doiveht jamais etre donnes du c6te de la pointe. II faut lea tenir par le milieu. ' BIPLOM-ATIC ETIQUETTE. 175 The old custom of placing the dishes on the table for exhibition before carving them is " out of date," much to the discomfiture of those cooks who prided themselves upon their skill in garnishing, but to the entire satisfaction of all others concerned. The present mode is much more expe- ditious, and all forms should be encouraged which have a tendency to limit the time occupied in serving the dinner to the two hours which good form prescribes. For small dinners one hour, or at most one hour and a half, is the allotted time. A Washington authority says, " Do not be persuaded to exceed ten courses." This is good advice. It is a pleasure to learn, through Mrs. Dahlgren's little book on " Etiquette," that young people in Washington do not hold the sway there that they do in some of our cities, and that parties, presided over by young ladies, and not dig- nified by the appearance of their parents, are unknown in the capital of our nation. Probably the presence of so many persons of importance in state affairs has a tendency to keep the young in their proper place ; and, without doubt, the example of well-trained foreign young ladies is bene- ficial. Our country is so large and our population so het- erogeneous the wonder is that we have been able to main- tain in any circles a general understanding as to the required conventionalities of society, and not that there should be a different understanding of them in different circles. In Washington, as in other places, it seems that animosi- ties have been engendered by the omission of certain ob- servances, exacted by some and not so understood by others, thus proving the importance of a general understanding of the duties imposed. Mention is made in Mrs. Dahl- gren's book of some Senator's wife who took offence because at a dinner the host had taken in the wife of a foreign 176 SENSIBLE ETKJUBTTE. minister instead of herself. The host was clearly in the right, as diplomatic etiquette required him to seat on his right the wife of the foreign minister present who had been longest at his post, and on his left, the wife of the most distinguished American who was .his guest. All private social customs give way before the code of diplomatic etiquette. A lady who was passing a winter at a European court, after having received calls from different members of the court circle, found the card of the English minister left again, soon after, with that of his newly- arrived first secretary. As the wife of the secretary was a younger woman than herself, and had arrived later, the American lady could not understand why tlie secretary's wife had not accompanied her husband in his call. Before the winter was over the American lady learned that it was her duty to pay the first call, according to a rule which exempts the wives of diplomates from making some calls that it is the duty of others to make ; and that, after the call of the secretary, it was her duty to call upon his wife, as well as that by neglecting to make this call she had oc- casioned comment. The knowledge of such exceptions to general rules does not come intuitively, and it would have been a kindness had some friend instructed the lady as to her duty. Upon another occasion, the same lady, whose husband held no official position, was placed, contrary to her request, on the right of her host at a dinner that was given for her, while the wives of high official personages were seated beneath her. In this instance the host had taken the pre- caution to inquire of an authority if it would be in order to seat the lady fiar whom the dinner was given on his right, and the order of precedence had been changed to suit the occasion. The experiment, however, proved to be an unfortunate one in interrupting the kind feeling that • PKBCKDBNCE. 177 iiad before existed between the American lady and the wife of the oldest diplomate present, who felt herself aggrieved. It is fortunate that we are able in America to consult our wishes in such matters, and give age, or strangers, or those for whom the dinner is given, the precedence, according to American customs ; or a bride, according to English and New England rules, without being in danger of incurring ill-will by not observing the precedence that rank or sta- tion gives. Even in America, however, it is a good plan to regard the prejudices of others in such matters, and to leave out frem dinners those who are in ofBcial positions if you do not wish to seat them where they have a right to expect to be seated, unless you can safely rely upon their good sense and reasonableness. " Render unto Csesar the things that are Caesar's" is a law that is still held in force by those who have been trained to respect it; and if Csesar is a guest, he should have the seat that he is entitled to occupy. For- tunately, or unfortunately, we have few Caesars to trouble ourselves about, but the aged we have always with us, and they will always receive the respect of those who respect themselves. It is seldom that the aged are treated with seeming disrespect in cultivated circles, but frequently some want of attention towards the middle-aged jars upon our sensibilities, some lack of deference. shocks us for a moment. An omission that would be only a neglect towards a younger person, becomes an impertinence towards an elder. A fictitious case will make the meaning clearer. We will suppose that a lady and her daughter, or two sisters living in the same house, one married, the other single, should make a call upon a dowager neighbor whom they had never met, and that the dowager, upon returning the visit on the reception-day, and during the hours desig- nated on the cards of the callers, should be received by the 12 178 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. young unmarried lady, while the elder one, although at home, should not make her appearance, and no apology be made for her absence; this would be more than an omission of duty, more than a want of proper respect. Ignorance on the part of the first caller could alone pre- vent it from seeming an impertinence, and that charity that thinketh no evil could alone prevent the last caller from feeling that she had been treated with premeditated rudeness. Had she, however, been a young girl instead of a dowager, then there would have been no want of respect — no rudeness shown by the married lady's absent- ing herself, although even then the instinct of a lady should lead her to send her excuse for not appearing. Within the ethnical circle of good society there is a nar- rower and higher circle, and only in this inner and impe- rial court can one hope to meet with that fastidious exclu- sion of impertinences which marks a society of well-bred men and women. Some writers go so far as to affirm that there must be two generations of transmitted culture to insure this state of society. Admitting this, is the great difference between European society (such as one finds in their highest circles of rank), and fashionable American society, any cause for surprise, since the well-bred are in the majority in distinguished society abroad, while with us they are in the minority ? Here it is no unusual thing to see women, with the air and carriage of those European pretenders to fashion, who resemble, in the pose of their head and their general manners, a chambermaid dressed in her mistress's gown, or an ill-bred duchess, moving in the same class with our high-bred women who would grace the circles of any court. As a rule, the low-bred duchess, or the chambermaid, would learn sooner to imitate the repose and the simplicity of the well-bred than do these women. Even if their na- PRKTENCE. 179 tares are such as to cause them to be utterly obtuse to the effect they produce upon people of good-breeding, one would suppose there would be found somewhere within the limits of their family circles a relative who could enlighten them. Can it be that, finding themselves in the American Belgravia without that training which good birth or good mothers would have secured them, they fancy that the supercilious air which they assume denotes their superior- ity to the " vulgar herd ;" while the truth is that, although the vulgar herd may be in every way unfitted for com- panionship with them, they know enough to discern be- tween sterling gold and its sham, and to pronounce with Thackeray that all pretence is snobbery, "pur et simple." " What do people say of me?" asked one of these women who knew that her frequent rudenesses were commented upon. "It is not always agreeable to hear what is said of one," was the answer of the kindhearted person of whom the question had been asked ; and who, in repeating the con- versation, added, " I would have told her if I had ever heard one good word said of her, but I never have." An American author writes as follows: " I once met two ladies, moving in what is considered our best society, one of whom impressed me in every way, by her carriage, her movements, her manners, as a woman of gentle birth and good breeding. Inquiring about her, I was informed that her grandmother had kept a green- grocer's shop, and, receiving the information as a fact, I recalled the housemaid grandmother of the Earl of Guild- ford and the Marquis of Bute, and the goodness of heart which, with her beauty, helped to raise her from a peasant's life. It was not until several years had passed that I learned the ' green-gl'ocer grandmother' was an invention of some envious rival, and that if any woman in ji^raerica 180 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. has blue blood in her veins, this charming representative of American women has. Quite in contradistinction to her is the other. Her manners would be called bad if she were a kitchen-maid. She illustrates a class who, by accident, find themselves in society, or who, finding themselves there, copy the manners described in English novels as belonging to the ' haute volie,' by authors who do not know enough of English high-life to make their titled characters address each other in proper terms, and who ignorantly fancy that every titled man or woman must be supercilious ; making them act and talk accordingly in their works of fiction. The truth being that the well-bred, in any society, have no pretence nor superciliousness." Ruskin says: A perfect gentleman is never reserved, but sweetly and entirely open, so far as it is possible for him. to be, though in a great many respects it is impossible that he should be open except to men of his own kind. The true gentlewoman causes all persons whom she ap- proaches to feel perfectly at home with her. Indeed, this has been defined to be the very first characteristic of one. It is the parv&aue rising suddenly and without training into her station, who seeks to awe and to keep at a distance those with whom she is thrown, who bows in the prome- nade one day, and turns her eyes away the next. Some- times this manner in a woman may arise from mauvaise horde, assumed to cover the want of ease experienced by its truly unfortunate possessor. The effect is the same, and let her not hope to escape being classed with the low-bred and the vulgar, until she has acquired that ease that is characteristic of those whose thoughts are not too much occupied with the effect they produce. Then she will no sooner pass an acquaintance without a salutation of recog- nition than a king or queen would. ' The' higher the rank the more affable people are, was FASHION. 181 well said by the artist Sully, while in England ; for in the highest circles of rank the ill-bred are never tolerated, un- less they conceal their deficiencies. If they have not the polish of genuine politeness, they must have the varnish of its counterfeit. Thus, these circles are called exclusive circles. Some one has said, it is easy to be exclusive if you are willing to be dull ; but there is an exclusiveness Avhicli is sometimes complained of, tliat is a desirable exclusiveness, and by no means dull. When those in whom heroic dis- positions are native possess that love of the beautiful in conduct as well as in other things, and that delight in the intercourse of refined and cultivated minds which leads them to exclude^ coarse natures, whose acts, and speech, and manners, grate upon the finely-attuned cords of their sensibilities and turn harmony into discord, then exclu- siveness becomes praiseworthy, and is no longer bad form. Fashion, as has already been quoted from Emerson, is an attempt to organize beauty of behavior, and where the attempt has not succeeded, where those who are at the head of social life do not encourage all efforts to stimulate the growth and the spread of refined taste, there will be found a society of snobs. The best society pardons much to genius and special gifts, but, being in its nature a convention, it loves what is conventional, or what belongs to coming together. That maiies the good and the bad of. manners, namely, what helps or hinders fellowship. It hates sharp points of char- acter, hates rude, egotistical, solitary and gloomy people, whilst it values all peculiarities that do not interrupt its harmony as in the highest degree refreshing. And besides the general infusion of wit to heighten civility, the direct splendor of intellectiml power is ever welcome in the best society. One secret of success in it is a certain heartiness 182 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and sympathy ; yet it is true that fashion has many classes and many rules of probation and admission, and these not always the best. There is not only the right of conquest which genius claims, the individual demonstrating his natural aristocracy, best of the best, but less claims will jDass for the time ; for fashion loves lions, and often passes ovei; tlieir defects. Good manners then, as we have seen, facilitate inter- course, free us from impediments, aiding, as a i-ailway aids travelling, by getting i-id of all avoidable obstructions of the road ; and also, as we have seen, the power of fashion is just in proportion to the importance that it gives to manners. Where the manners are bad, no society can be improving. Fashion becomes an instjjent pretence — a humbug — where rudeness is admitted and impertinence is tolerated. It then holds the same relation to true fashion that counterfeit gold holds to sterling gold. The lovers of the genuine avoid it, as they avoid all shams. They seek the sterling fashion which Emerson defines as funded talent. Its objects may oftentimes be frivolous, or it may be. objectless, but its nature is neither frivolous nor acci- dental. It unbars its doors instantaneously to a natural claim of its own kind. Sterling fashion understands itself; good breeding and personal superiority, of what- ever country, readily fraternize with those of every other. Numbers of our American women of worth who have enjoyed the brilliant society of European courts, and whose ancestral connections " shone as stars " at our " Eepublican Court " in the days of Washington, avoid all fashionable society in America, because the currency of fashion is so adulterated here that they cannot otherwise prevent its worthless brassy coins being imposed upon them for those of the pure gold which they alone value. Sterling fashion rests on reality, and hates nothing so STERLING FASHION. 183 much as pretenders ; she gives over the laws of behavior into the charge of her ministers and apostles, and confides to them the task of separating the spurious coin of her cur- rency from the real gold. Good sense, character, and strong will are her ministers. They are always in the fashion, let who will be unfashionable. Deference to riches or to position forfeits all privilege of nobility in lier ranks. Such are underlings; avoid them; speak only with their masters. Avoid that company where you cannot preserve the same attitude of mind and reality of relation which you bear with your daily associates, continues Emerson. Let those who scoff at fashion, bear in mind the differ- ence that exists between the true queen, whose subjects are of the true aristocracy, and the pretender, whose rule extends over the sham aristocracy. The love of cultivated manners, the respect that respects the rights of others, inspires and dictates the commandments of true fashion. Purse-pride, worldly pomp and selfishness dictate the creed of its counterfeit. What if the false queen sometimes bows true ladies and gentlemen out of her presence? The real queen recog- nizes them at a glance, and makes room for them among their own kind. The reason Ruskin gives for the different impressions which the well-bred man makes upon his fellow-beings is one that is worth regarding: To men of his own kind he can open himself by a word, or syllable, or glance; but to men not of his kind he cannot open himself, though he tried it through an eternity of clear grammatical speech. Whatever he said a vulgar man would misinterpret ; no words that he could use would bear the same sense to the vulgar man that they do to him. Therefore, men and women possessing this fineness of nature, this sensitive organization, are more liable to be misunderstood and mis- 184 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. represented than are those who are wanting In these quali- ties. But as their constant and intelligent sensibility is understood and appreciated by their "own kind," they lose nothing in losing the appreciation of natures with which they have nothing in common. A lady in England, living in a princely establishment, wishing to show some attention to a man outside of her circle, who had lent his influence in a cause that she was interested in, gave him a verbal invitation to spend an evening with her. " You are very kind, mum, but I have already seen your house, and it wouldn't be worth my while to go over it again." The lady, in repeating it, withheld the name, but said she felt as if she had been struck with a pistol-shot at this miscomprehension of her motives. "We are the makers of manners, Kate," says young King Henry to his princess, and every man and every woman who possesses that sensitiveness which, Euskin declares to be the sign of nobleness, that fineness of nature which, in his opinion, creates the true gentleman, the true gentle- woman, will, almost unconsciously to themselves, become in a degree the makers of manners in the circles in which they move. We have in mind now a family of sisters whose refinement and courtesy in speech and manners has influenced for years, without their knowledge, many with whom they have been thrown. The worst that has ever been said of them is that they are exclusive; and they have won the right to exclude the ill-bred and the igno- rant from their homes. Nothing is so contagious as bad example ; if good exam- ple were as much so, then would we plead with all true gentlewomen to submit to the annoyances of intercourse with those who show their need of the refining influences SNIFFINESa. 185 of good examples. But alas ! woman, like man, is, as has been said, the creature of habit, especially of bad habits. In other words, it is the bad examples which carry with them the greatest amount of influence. "Who is there who has not been thrown with some one woman, at least, who, from bad training, displays either rudeness, or what a writer iu a recent number of Seribner calls " sniifiness ?" And as, unfortunately, those persons who possess fineness of nature do not predominate in this world, either premeditated rudeness or sniffiness becomes the fashion with those of congenial natures, in her especial clique. This writer says : Some persons are born sniffy, some achieve sniffiness, and some have sniffiness thrust upon them. According to E-uskin's ideas, wherever sniffiness, or premeditated rudeness, is'found, there will be found either low birth or some defect in early training, with that coarseness of nature which breeds vulgarity of conduct. It would be as impossible for a true gentle- woman to be habitually rude, or even "sniffy," as it would be for a thoroughbred horse to possess the qualities of a plough-horse. The human being shows blood and breeding as well as other animals. Many years ago, a clergyman in a town in Massachu- setts, annoyed by the levity of some young persons in his congregation, stopped in the midst of his sermon, fixed his eyes upon them, and said, solemnly: "When I see young men laughing and whispering in the house of God, I make up my mind that they are of mean birth, low parentage, and that their natures are coarse, not subject to refine- ment." In the same way the sniffy woman, wherever she is found, abroad or at home, impresses the true gentlewoman as of low origin. If born sniffy, one of her parents roust have been sniffy before her, thus showing low birth ; if 186 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. slie has achieved sniffiness, she displays the bad nurture, or home training, that she has had ; and if she has had sniffiness thrust upon her, nine cases out of ten you will find that to the absence of that sensitiveness of nature which belongs to the true gentlewoman, she adds that innate vulgarity which leads its possessor to resent upon others the " sniffiness" that she has been subjected to. Some men and women are too coarsely made to appre- ciate the delicacy of beautiful carriage and customs. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short distances the senses are despotic. The flower of courtesy does not very well bide handling, but when the anatomist who dissects it does it for the good of society, he finds that it has in it an intellectual quality. To the leaders of men, the brain, as well as the heart, must furnish a proportion. The creators of fashion, the centres of society, on which it returns for fresh impulses, are found among the generous, the heroic, the brave. Among them there may often be, as Emerson says there is, some absurd inventor of chari- ties; some friend of Poland; some Phillelene ; some guide and comforter of the unfortunate or the oppressed ; some fanatic who plants shade-trees for the good of the second and third generation, when he himself shall have passed away ; and among them will always be found those who, disregarding some of fashion's laws, are a law unto them- selves, in its true spirit, in every act of their lives. Their examples, their lives, live and bear fruit when they are in the grave ; the trees they plant afford- them no shade, but they do not plant them for themselves. Nor can men benefit those that are with them as they can benefit those who come after them ; for of all the pulpits from which human voice is ev.er sent forth, there is none from which it reaches so far as from the grave. Eichard Hooker says : " To the best and wisest people LIVING FOR OTHERS. 187 the world is continually a froward opposite; and a curious observer of their defects and imperfections ; their virtues afterwards it as much admireth. The envious world likes not the sound of a living man's praise. Wait, ye just, ye merciful, ye tender-hearted, ye faithful ! Wait but for a little while, for this is not your rest." And a greater preacher than Hooker adds his testi- mony: I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice and to do good in his life. There is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his own works. Again, I considered all travail, and every right work, that for this a man is envied of his neighbor. Marvel not at the matter, for he that is higher than the highest re- gardeth, and there be higher than they. But how shall we do good ? how shall we live for others ? some readers may ask, who feel that not even one talent has been intrusted to their care to increase and multiply. There are myriad ways. We go through this world but once, and every hour of our lives is filled with opportu- nities that pass away never to return again ; therefore, any good thing that we can do, any kindness that we can show our fellow-beings, let us not defer or neglect it, for we shall not come this way again. Happy is he who has learned this one thing, to do the plain duty of the moment quickly and cheerfully, wher- ever and whatever it may be. He who meets the thousand and one daily frets and annoyances of life, and takes them so far as he must, and avoids them so far as he may, and bears them with pa- tience and cheerfulness as part of tiie discipline of life, is living a heroic life before God that will not be lost upon his fellow-beings. "His life, that has been dropped aside Into Time's stream, may stir the tide In rippled circles spreading wide." 188 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. He who bears unmerited reproaches, never-ending mis- understanding of his motives and actions, constant mis- representations of his aims and ends by his own kin, or by the envious, the jealous and the unjust, without allowing his nature to become w^arped, his temper to become spoiled, his heart to grow callous, he is bearing all in a way to honor God and do good to mankind. The more grand and noble the soul, the more it will be wounded by the blows of injustice. It is a grand thing for a man to carry himself bravely through such blows — to endure silently when he is picked at and pierced and wronged. It is a great thing to see men and women with tender hearts, who feel keenly every act of. injustice, every misinterpretation of impulses that are heaven-born in their souls, training themselves to bear all, and to smother the agony that en- durance of them brings. Such men and women are not living in vain. " The cry wrung from their spirit's pain, May echo on some far-off plain, And guide a wanderer home again." It is a great thing to see sensitive men and women (the unarmed among the well armed, the unveiled where all are masked), bringing real faith and conscientiousness to bear in - overcoming their sensitiveness; receiving the chastisements of discipline as heaven-sent, and so profiting by them as to almost put it out of the power of any man to hurt them. That is to say, where a man has the testimony of his own conscience that his aims are right, that he means always to do the right things, and feels confidence that he has the power to maintain himself in the right, he can live beyond the reach of any harm that men can inflict upon him. Such a man is not living for himself alone. "His heart may throb in vast content. Well knowing that it was but meant As chord in one great Instrument." DINNERS. 189 They who bear their failures, whether of high endeavor, earnest resolve, or baffled plans, with that courage which leads them to strive again and again for the victory that is promised only to those who endure to the end — they are living for others quite as much as for themselves. " Fail — yet rejoice, because no less The failure that makes thy distress May teach another full success." They who have hearts to feel for another's woes are not living in vain ; they who can spare time from the claims of home and society to weep with those who weep — time to strive to pour the balm of sympathy into unclosedr wounds ; time to strive to show those who are stricken with a deep sorrow or a heavy trouble, how work, which oc- cupies not only the hands but the brain, will help them to bear their burdens as nothing else can, they are not living in vain. It requires a great deal of resolution to break away from the apathy of grief; but the effort once made, if there is anything in the individual, he or she will never turn back. After work, real work, work with the hands, head and heart — after this will come trust, and with trust will come peace. " Eouse to some work of high and holy love, And thou an angel's happiness shalt know — Shalt tless the earth, while in the world above The good begun by thee shall onward flow. In many a branching stream, and wider grow. The seed that in these few and fleeting hours Thy hands unsparing and unwearied sowed. Shall deck thy grave with amarathine flowers, And yield thee friiit divine in Heaven's immortal bowers." 190 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER VI. EBCEPTIONS—PAKTIES— BALLS— YOUNG MEN UNDEB TWEN- TY-ONE— INFLUENCE OF SISTERS— TRUE LOVE. " On receiving an invitation to an evening party, an ' At Home,' or whatever it may happen to be, reply within a day or two at least." — Modern Eliquetir., London. " The promptness with which answers are sent to all invitations, •and to all notes, or letters, requiring answers, depends upon the good breeding of the person addressed. Dinner invitations should be an- swered as soon as they are received; all other invitations as soon as is possible after their reception." — From the French of Saini-Loup. "The whole condition of society is elevated and improved by a due regard of its observances and its forms. Everything depends upon the home training, and upon customs, and where the custom prevails of sending tardy replies to notes of invitation, even well-bred per- sons grow careless. There are no general rules without exceptions, and there are cases in which answers are delayed. The difference, then, shown between the well-bred person and one who has not re- ceived proper instruction in such matters is, that the former apolo- gizes for the delay. Those who have been correctly trained know when they have been guilty of a solecism in manners, and they hasten to repair it, quite as much out of self-respect as from courtesy. ' Each of us has nn inner spiritual, perhaps, unconscious life in its deeper pa^ts, which reveals itself in our outer life and actions.' Untrained characters will not willingly submit to any rules." — Mrs. Moore. Dr. Verdi says : "The summit of woman's growth is attained at the age of twenty-one, while that of man is put at twenty-five. Legislators, recognizing this difference, have decreed that her ma- jority shall be at eighteen, while that of the man is decreed at twenty- one." HerrTeufelsdrockh's hard philosophy recognized the difference when he said : ' I have heard aflBrmod, surely in jest, by no unphil- anthropic persons, that it were a real increase of human happiness could all young men from the age of nineteen be covered under barrels, RECEPTIONS. 191 or rendered otherwiso invisible, and there left to follow their lawful studies and callings till tliey emerged, sadder and wiser, at the age of twenty-five.' With which suggestion, at least as considered in the light of a practical scheme, I need scarcely say that I in nowise co- incide. Nevertheless, it is plausibly urged that as young ladies are, to mankind, precisely the most delightful in those years, so young gentlemen do then attain their maximum of detestability. Such gawks are they, and foolish peacocks, and yet with such a vulturous hunger for self-indulgence, so obstinate, obstreperous, vain-glorious ; in all senses froward and so forward." — Carlyle's Sartor Resartus. MOENING reception.s, as they are called, but more cor- rectly speaking, afternoon parties, are generally held from four to seven o'clock. Occasionally a sufficient number for a cotillion arrange to remain after the crowd has gone. In either case the dress is the same ; for men morning dress, as before given ; for ladies demi-toilette, with or without bonnet. No low-necked gown nor short sleeves should be seen at a day reception, nor white neck-ties and dress coats. The material of costumes or toilettes may be of velvet, silk, muslin, gauze or grenadine, according to the season of the year and the taste of the wearer, but her more elegant jewelry and laces should be reserved for eve- ning parties. Tlie corsage of the dress can be open in front, with standing or falling laces or sheer ruffles.** Gants de Suede at all day receptions are de rigueur. The refreshments are generally light, tea, coifee, choco- late, frozen punch, claret punch, ices, fruit and cakes. Fre- quently a cold collation is spread after the lighter refresh- ments have been served, and sometiracs the table is set with all the varieties, and renewed from time to time. No answers are expected to these invitations, unless E,. S. V. P. is on one corner. One visiting card is left by each person who is present, to serve for the after call. No calls are expected from those who attend. Those who are not able to be present call soon after. 192 8ENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. Frequently, cards are sent on the day and the after-call made in due season. A matinee musicale is held at the same hour, or if in the summer at watering-places, they are frequently earlier. These are the most difficult entertain- ments that are attempted. A lady who undertakes a series of them should be en- dowed with the virtues of a saint, or she should at least possess the three requisites of St. Paul, faith, hope and charity, for she will need them all. Her first step will be to secure those persons possessing sufficient vocal and instrumental talent, to insure the success of the entertain- ment. Her next, to arrange with them a programme, as- signing to each, in order, his or her part. It is customary to commence with a piece of instrumental music, followed by solos, duos, quartettes, etc., with instrumental music interspersed, in not too great proportion. Some competent person is needed as an accompanist. The invitations may be from three to six o'clock; the intention of the hostess being to allow her guests an hour to assemble; the music to commence precisely at four o'clock. The piano wheeled into the best position, and all in readiness, the hostess descends punctually at three o'clock, and takes sole charge of her drawing-room. Half- past three, no one has yet arrived. Soon after, a few drop in, and at four o'clock, though the drawing-room presents an animated appearance, only two of the performers besides the accompanist have appeared. Here faith and hope are both called in, and patience also, to assist the hostess to conceal all nervousness or anxiety. She overhears Mrs. Grundy saying to Mrs. Gossyp, " I thought we were going to have some music; we dine at six, and I shall soon have to leave." "Very badly arranged," is Mrs. Gossyp's an- swer. At this critical moment the prima donna makes her appearance, and the hostess decides that she will wait no RECEPTIONS. 193 longer for the dilatory ones, although by commencing im- mediately she is compelled to make changes in the pro- gramme. Will Miss Thumpwell oblige by playing out of her turn? JSTo, Miss Thumpwell will not, she is far too timid to lead oif, although a virgin of thirty summers. Will Mr. Tunewell play that charming morceau that is later iu the programme? Mr. Tunewell suddenly dis- covers that he has left his music at home, and hastens away to procure it. The hostess tries to be charitable, but she is nevertheless seized with the conviction that the music is up in the dressing-room. Still, she keeps a smil- ing face and a calm demeanor, although inwardly her in- dignation is at boiling heat. Would Mrs. Chanteur be so very kind as to sing something — any little ballad, no matter how simple, just to make a commencement ? Mrs. Chanteur looks up with surprise and reproach in her beau- tiful eyes. "I sing first? Do you not always lead off with instrumental music?" Mrs. Grundy whispers across to Mrs Gossyp, " Yes, you were right ; very badly ar- ranged ; a perfect failure. Come and tell mo about it to- morrow. I have to leave now." At this juncture the prima donna, who is from another city, addresses the host- ess : " I dare say something has gone wrong. If you would like to have me, I do not in the least object to sing- ing first." Now the long agony is ended, and the prima donna sings 4ike an angel. Mrs. Grundy, who has reached the door, returns, and is so enchanted with the marvellous voice that she forgets her dinner. All ends so well that no one remembers the attendant disagreeabilities, excepting the hostess, who resolves that she will try in future to con- tribute her share toward the pleasure and amusement of others in some way which will not subject her to so much annoyance. It is the duty of tlic hostess to maintain silence among 13 194 SENSlBLK ETIQUETTE. her guests during the performance of instrumental music, ■ as well as of vocal. If any are unaware of the breach of good manners that they commit in talking or whispering at such times, she should, by agesture, endeavor to acquaint them with the fact. Where this rule is disregarded, the hostess need not be surprised if the music should come to a full stop; and she may feel quite sure if it does not, that it is only out of regard to her feelings as a hostess. It is the duty of the host to see that the ladies who sing are accompanied to the instrument, that the leaves of the music are turned for them, and that they are conducted back to their seats again. When not intimately acquainted with them, the hostess herself should join in expressing gratifi- cation. Though it is the province of the hostess to desig- nate in turn each one who sings, it is a mark of appreci- ation when others ask the singer for a second song, and there is no hostess who will not appreciate all attentions paid to those who are contributing to the pleasure of her guests. When the programme has not been previously arranged, and the matinde or soirSe is more infoxmal, care must be taken that all the performers receive equal attention. It is always painful to see the jealousy that too often exists among the gifted in song. They should remember that true artists never fail to show a generous appreciation of each other's talents, and not criticize and search for defects where they can find anything to praise. When a lady who sings well is invited for the first time to a house, discretion must be observed in asking her to sing. There are some women who are never so happy as when ministering to the pleasure of those around them; there are others who would feel that they were being made use of, in a way they would rebel against, if they were PARTIES. 195 asked to contribute to the general enjoyment when they had come out for their own amusement. It is often said that people who entertain receive no than Its. On the contrary there are no persons more appre- ciated in society than are those who contribute to its amuse- ment; but they must understand the art of making their entertainments attractive. The better they succeed, the more must they expect to be abused by all whom they do not invite, who are in the habit of indulging in abuse of those they feel to be their superiors in worth or position. It IS this class of people who are tlie most anxious to have it thought that hospitality is a virtue which is not appre- ciated, and that those who are entertained abuse their en- tertainers; but let no one be deterred from doing his or her share towards contributing to the pleasure of the young by any fears of meeting with such a return. No persona escape ill-natured comment of their actions, and they who witness the happiness they confer upon the young by con- tributing to their amusement can well afford to bear the abuse of the envious; while he who hoards his money with a miser's care, receives no compensation for that censure of his niggardliness which he merits. Thackeray, in enumerating the various forms of snob- bery which are found in society, ends as follows : " Osten- tation is snobbish. Too great profusion is snobbish. There are people who are more snobbish than all these whose defects are above mentioned, viz., those individuals who can, and don't entertain at all." In cities where certain rules of traditionary etiquette are not observed, to the extent that five or six persons in one family accept invitations for the same entertainment, it becomes necessary for the hostess to send her invitations only to those members of the family whom she wishes to see, reserving the others for another occasion. 196 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. In one instance, where a lady inviting, urged a fourth member of a family, who was an especial favorite of hers, to come to a German she was going to give, the young lady answered : " It is not possible for me to expose myself again to the annoyance that I experienced last week, in finding my brothers, my sister and myself all seated in a row, as we were at Mrs. Blank's dance, when the cotillion opened; and you know that more than three in one family ought never to accept an invitation." In the same city, a lady was asked how she dared invite some members of a family, leaving out others. The ques- tion never would have been asked had the lady asking it understood the relations that existed between the enter- tainers and the entertained, as generally understood. A lady in making out her list is not obliged to ask any one to whom she is not indebted for hospitalities or courtesies, of one sort or another. They are the first whom she enters upon her list, and they are the only ones who have any claim upon her for invitations. Should she neglect such, they would have a right to feel " cut," but no others should feel so. All, beyond those to whom the hostess is indebted, are asked, for reasons which alone concern herself or family, and to feel annoyed at being left out, after you have once been invited, is about as reasonable as to feel aflfronted with the friend who does not oifer the use of her horses and carriages to those of her friends who have not any, whenever they would like to have them. She may take one friend one day, another friend on another day ; and most certainly she is the one to say which friend, as well as which day, she will take. Quite another thing is it, when one inviting leaves out those to whom she is indebted for recent attentions, asking her friends generally, or even asking only a few out of the same circles. To suppose an imaginary incident : should a lady give an entertainment PARTIES. 197 of peculiar elegance, selecting out of a large circle not more than twenty or twenty-five persons, and should four out of that number come from one family, and the same family immediately after give an entertainment of a much less elegant and exclusive nature, omitting to invite even so much as one member of the family first inviting, while all whom they did invite were the companions of the young persons excluded, in such a case the family so treated would have reason to wonder at the want of the first principles of kind feeling and courtesy betrayed. Still even then, the remissness should be passed over with- out any further notice than self-respect would demand. . The persons so neglected should fulfil all the amenities of social life as far as possible, should exchange calls as usual, and speak with civility when meeting, but no further in- vitations should be extended until so marked a slight had been atoned for by a courtesy of some kind. This illus- tration also exemplifies one of those cases where Christian forbearance would be misunderstood. In London it is a common thing for would-be grand dames, occupying for the season the houses of noblemen, to send out ball invitations to long lists of persons whom they do not know, and to whom their names are unknown. Such a thing is never heard of in the United States. The invitations, if sent, would not be accepted by people mov- ing in our best society ; but in London it is constantly done. -In our cities, it is the oldest resident who makes the first advance in exclusive circles, unless circumstances make it the province of the latest comer to take the ini- tiative. Exceptions to this general rule are made when invitations are given to meet a common friend visiting the newest comer; when invitations are asked for older resi- dents, who have expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of the lady inviting ; and when many friends in common 198 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. make it agreeable to the new-comer to include those who, no longer entertaining themselves, have expressed a feeling of delicacy in reference to making the first call upon those ■who do entertain. One need never be afraid of civilities being misunder- stood by ladies and gentlemen, and any lady, moving in the same class of circles with another whom she may wish to invite to her house, should not be prevented by fear of being misunderstood, or of encountering rudeness, from bestowing her attentions where she wishes to bestow them, even although age or priority of residence has not con- ferred upon her the privilege of doing so. An invitation or an attention of any description gives evidence of that kind feeling which persons of gentle breeding appreciate too well to misunderstand. It may be declined, and pos- sibly the reason not given at length ; but no mistake can be made by the noble-hearted in the genuineness of the kind feeling that prompts the attention ; and to doubt that it is so, is to throw discredit upon some of the best im- pulses of human nature, and to discourage that hospitality which Scripture enjoins. It is true that it requires a cer- tain amount of moral development to comprehend mag- nanimity and not to look behind it for selfish motives, as mean natures always do. Those who misinterpret acts of kindness should not forget that they give evidence of a V. j,nt of nobleness of nature in so doing. Very often it is the dormant evil in our own hearts which we are most ready to suspect in others. To return to musical parties given in the daytime. The dress is the same as at a reception, only that bonnets are more generally dispensed with. Those who have taken part often remain for a hot supper. It is well known that no exercise develops hunger more than that of singing. The exhaustion produced by the prolonged action of the vocal PARTIES. 199 organs requires nourishing food, and even stimulants. Morning and afternoon parties in the country, or at water- jug-places, are of a less formal character than in cities. The hostess introduces such of her guests as she thinks most likely to be mutually agreeable. Music or some amusement is essential to the success of such parties. Ladies wear various materials, black velvet skirts with embroidered batiste polonaises, bunting costumes, jaunty hats or pretty fanciful bonnets, and carry parasols. Gentle- men wear summer morning dress, as in making calls. (See Chap. II.) The collation is often served in tents, and those assembled stroll over the grounds, or sit on the piazzas when the weather is fine, instead of remaining within doors. For yachting parties, young ladies wear either flannel suits of navy blue, or white, plainly but prettily trimmed with woollen braid, jaunty sailor hats, gants de Suede, and thick boots. A large parasol is necessary for comfort. A black silk suit is the next desirable costume to one of flannel. "Warm shawls should be provided, no matter how oppressive the day. The wind is as changeable as the fair women who trust to it, and a yacht may put out to sea in a calm to return in a gale. Croquet, lawn-tennis and archery costumes are made to suit the taste of the wearer ; and parties of this description are of the most informal nature. It is necessary that strangers should be introduced, and the hostess should never neglect this duty. If she does not want to take such a responsibility, she should ask only those who are acquainted. Evening parties, balls and dinners are of a much more formal character than the entertainments which have been mentioned. They require evc.iing dress; although for a dinner a lady's dress should bj less elegant than for a ball. 200 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. and she should wear less jewelry. French women often wear high corsage, with short sleeves. English women, who once never failed, even at family dinoers, to appear diooIletS (some of them disti-essiagly so), now often wear gowns that are high, or cut square in the neck. Ameri- cans follow their own inclination, sometimes adopting one custom, sometimes another; bat of late years evening dress is almost as much worn at grand dinners as at balls, only the material is not of so. diaphanous a character. Lace and muslin dresses are out of place. Invitations are sent from tea days to two weeks pre- viously, and should be answered immediately, as has been already stated. The requisites for a successful ball are good music and plenty of dancing men. " The advantage of the ball," says an English writer, " is that it brings young people tc^ether for a sensible and innocent recreation, and takes them away from silly if not bad ones ; that it gives them exercise, and that the general effect' of the beauty, el^ance, and brilliance of a ball is to elevate rather than to deprave the mind." An American journalist has recently handled the subject in a very differ- ent manner; and although the saying "evil to him who evil thinks" still holds good, there is much in his article to draw the attention of parents to the possible effect of the "round dance" upon their sons, if not upon their daugh- ters. At least, let us not be the only nation that confines their ball-room dancing to waltzes, as is done in some of our cities. There should be, as formerly, an equal number of waltzes and quadrilles, which would give an opportunity for those who object (or whose parents object) to round dances, to appear on the floor. Four musicians are enough for "a dance." (The present form of speaking of a ball in London is as "a dance.") The horn is not suitable when the dancing-room is small; the BALLS. . 201 flageolet is less noisy, and marks the time equally as well. The piano and violin form the mainstay of the band; but, of course, when the rooms are large enough, a larger band may be employed. The dances should be arranged before- hand, and for large balls, cards are printed with a list of the dances. Abroad, every ball opens with a waltz, fol- lowed by a qnadrille, and these are succeeded by galops, lancers, quadrilles, and waltzes in turn. The custom has gone by of the host and hostess receiving together; but it is the duty of the host to remain within sight until after the arrivals are principally over, that he may be easily found by any one seeking him. The same duty devolves upon the sons, who for that evening must give up their little flirtations, and share their attentions with all. Nothing looks more underbred than to see a young man under his parents' roof devoting himself during an entire evening to one lady, or sharing his attentions with only two or three. The daughters, as well as the sons, will look after partners for the young ladies who desire to dance, and they will try to see that no one is neglected before they join the dancers themselves. Gentlemen who are introdnced to ladies at a bnll, solely for the purppse of dancing, wait for their recognition before speaking ^ith them upon meeting afterwards, bnt they are at liberty to recall themselves by lifting their hats in passing, as well-bred foreigners do upon entering a railway carriage where ladies are seated, who are entire strangers to them. In England, a ball-room acquaintance rarely goes any farther, until they have met at more balls than one. In the same way a man cannot, after being intro- duced to a young lady to dance with, ask her for more than two dances the same evening. On the Continent it is the same. Mamma would interfere there, and ask his inten- tions if he did so. 202 SENSIB1.E ETIQUETTE. At the end of every dance, gentlemen offer their right arm to their partners, and at least take one turn around the room before consigning them to their chaperons. A young man who can dance, and will not dance, ought to stay away from a ball. Who has not encountered that especial type of an illbred man, who lounges around door- ways or strolls through a suite of rooms, looking as if there were not a creature present worth dancing with ? The lady with whom a gentleman dances last is the one whom he takes out to supper. Therefore, he can make no engagements to take out any other, unless his partner is already engaged. Balls are meant for dancing, not eating; and a man should limit himself to two glasses of cham- pagne, a lady to one, says " The Man in the Club Window," in his excellent book on the habits of good society, adding: " Be careful of what you do, and what you say, and how you dance after supper, even more so than before it ; " for ladies are apt to attribute any license of speech or acts to a partiality for strong fluids, and a hostess never forgets when her hospitality has been abused in this way. It would be hard upon the lady of the house if every- body leaving a large ball thought it. necessary to wish her good-night. In leaving a small dance, however, a parting bow is civil. Flirtation comes under the head of morals more than of manners ; still, it may be said that ball-room flirtation, being more open, is less dangerous than any other. No man of caution ever made an offer after supper; or if he did, he surely regretted it at breakfast the next morn- ing. Under such a circumstance he should summon moral courage to hLs aid, and go at once to undo what he had been led into doing when he was not sufficiently himself to realize the vast importance of the step he was taking. Public balls are not enjoyable unless you have your own BALLS. 203 party. The great charm of a ball is its perfect accord and harmony ; all altercations, loud talking and noisy laughter are doubly ill-mannered in a ball-room. Very little suffices to disturb the peace of the whole company. After a ball hasten to pay your respects to the lady who has entertained you. If this is not possible, send your card or leave it at her door. It is now quite customary for a lady who gives a ball, and who has no reception day weekly, to inclose her card in each invitation for one or more receptions, or a kettle-drum, in order that the after- calls due her may be made on that day. It is unnecessary to add that no cards can be left by those who are not present under such circumstances. In America, more license is used in reference to the time in which an after-call is due, extending in many circles even to two weeks ; but the call loses its significance en- tirely, and passes into remissness, when a longer time is permitted to elapse. The question haa been asked, What constitutes the dif- ference between an evening party and a ball? At an evening party there may be dancing or there may not be. At a ball there must be dancing. A book treating upon the habits of good society in London defines a ball to be "an assemblage for dancing of not less than seventy-five persons;" to which definition should be added, where the preparations have been made upon that scale of elegance which good music, embellishments of flowers, and a supper combined, cannot fail to secure, when the invited guests do their part towards the entertainment. There may be some persons who will be astonished to learn that any duties devolve upon the guests. In fact, there are circles where all such duties are ignored. It is the duty of every person who has accepted the invitation to send a regret, even if at the last moment, when prevented from going; and as it is 204 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. rude to send an acceptance, with no intention of going, those who so accept would do well to remember this duty. It is the duty of every lady who attends a ball to make her toilette as fresh as possible. It need not be expensive, but it should at least be clean ; it may be simple, but it should not be either soiled or tumbled. The gentlemen should, of course, wear evening dress. Another duty is to arrive as soon as possible after the hour named, when it is men- tioned in the invitation. No one who. has witnessed the additional zest of enjoyment that is secured (in those countries where it is considered a rudeness to come much later than the hour named) by the prompt and almost simultaneous arrival of the guests, can refrain from wishing that so sensible a custom might be adopted in our own country. The hostess who attempts, in our cities, a refor- mation in the hours of arriving, is sometimes compelled to renounce it, finding that it adds to her fatigue instead of lessening it, from a want of punctuality- in the arrival of the majority of the guests. Of late, there has been a decided improvement in some circles of our best society. In many places on the continent in Europe, they assem- ble at nine o'clock, and disperse at one o'clock. The ball is unusually late when the dancing is kept up uutil two o'clock. At balls given in royal palaces the hours of assembling are still earlier. A titled lady of distinction arrived late at a ball in Yienna (during the Exposition) that was given by a brother of the Emperor of Austria. The Archduke Charles sent Count to remind her of the breach of court etiquette that she had committed. She glanced at him rather haughtily, and answered eoolly, "My arriving late does not prevent me from listening to any kind words that. Her Majesty the Empress may have to say to me when she addresses me." But Her Majesty did not choose BALLS. 205 to approach her; and when supper was served, as she was about passuig into the room where the royal party assem- bled, she was informed that no place had been reserved for her. Incensed, she took her departure, but probably when she is next summoned to a royal ball she will arrive at the appointed hour. In England many arrive late at balls, for the reason that so much is going on each evening during the season. From dinners they go to the opera, and from the opera frequently to several balls. The late hours observed there are not so wearing qpon their young men as u^wn ours, for the ball-goers of society in England are not, as a rule, business men. The ball-goer's mornings are his own, to sleep as late as he pleases, and to take his breakfast as leisurely as he likes. We are said to be given as a nation to copying the Eng- lish. Then why can we not copy their sensible customs, as well as to imitate them in customs that are not suited to our mode of life? An American gentleman of the old school, who, travel- ling in Europe, received a dinner invitation from Lord Loftus, sent by post, felt inclined to resent such a liberty; but was appeased upon learning that it was the custom. The mail is delivered hourly in London. While not advocating the sending of dinner invitations, or the answers to them by post, on account of the delay created here by so doing, the desirability of sending the answers to all other invitations by post is evident, wliere the invi- tation is sent out sufficiently long in advance. It is quite time that a better understanding should be arrived at con- cerning the requirements of true politeness than is shown by those who maintain that it is not the correct thing to answer invitations by post. Even those who cling to the established customs of the past, made for a period when 2GG SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. society was not so large, nor entertainments so frequent as now, must see how inconvenient it often is for those who entertain to receive the answers to invitations separately, each one requiring that a servant shall leave his work to wait upon the note-bearer, when, if the postman delivers them upon his rounds, they arrive with the letters, and make no increase of labor for servants. There is not the same objection to delivering invitations by private messengers that there is to sending the replies to those invitations in the same way ; then why can it not be understood that those who prefer to send their invita- tions by servants are willing to receive their answers by post, as well as those who send them by post ? Let those who give entertainments recall the constant ringing of the door-bell with answers, from the time that the invitations were issued, up to the arrival of the guests, and they, we are sure, will be willing to move in the reform, if they possess that independence of character which is necessary to the carrying out of any such reforma- tion. The following letter, which has been going the rounds of the papers, must not discourage any of those who have already adopted the sensible English custom of answering invitations by post : My attention was a while ago attracted to an article in the Home Journal, headed " Society in Patagonia." The writer asserted that Patagonia is the most provincial city in the world of its size ; more so than any othei* city of half its size even. I felt disposed to deny this statement then, as it seemed to cast an undeserved reflection of igno- rance and narrow-mindedness upon the fair and beloved city of my birth; but now, after returning to it after a prolonged absence, I find it worthy of its reputation for ■provincial ways, and provincial forms of thought, and for -BALLS. 207 everything that is provincial in the extreme. Here must have dwelt that worthy Dutchman who, upon being re- monstrated with by a neighbor for carrying his flour from the mill in one end of his sack, and a bushel of stones in the other end, to keep the balance true, answered: " This way is goot enough for me; mine fader did carry his flour this way, and mine grandfader pefore him ; and I will do as mine fader and mine grandfader did do." Shortly after my return I received an invitation to a party or ball that was given in honor of two charming brides who had just returned from their bridal tours, and upon tiie card of invitation I noticed, "Please answer by post." How sensible! was my first thought. This secures a prompt answer, lightens the labor of mine host's (that is to be) servants, enables me to drop my reply in tlie post on my way to the club, and suits all concerned admirably. But alas! upon my arrival at the club in question, I found an unusual degree of animation prevailing — a sort of debating society, in fact, over the very point that T had so hastily decided in my mind as one that would suit every one. " I am not going to be dictated to as to the way and the time that my answer is sent. I shall send it as I please, and when I please ; I'll have them to know that," said one. " What kind of hospitality is that," asked another, "which limits a man's stay from ten to one o'clock? Zounds ! if I am to be sent off" when the clock strikes one, as a child is sent to bed, I'll stay at home." " I don't keep two-penny stamps in my pocket, like a drygoods clerk," said another, "and I do keep a valet. By Jove! I'll tell you what I'll do; I'll put a stamp on and send it by Jeames, and madam will never know but that the postman left it." Here a loud and unanimous guffaw gave evidence of the approbation with which this proposal was received. No, not entirely unanimous, for there was 203 SKNSICLE ETIQUETTE. one man other than myself who did not participate in the laugh. He looked gravely up over his glasses, and said: " What is the use of placarding yourself as a boor? If a lady throws open her house for guests, she has a perfect right to m^ke the request which this lady has made; and not one of those whom she thus invites is justifiable in showing her the rudeness that it would be to send her an answer in any other way than she requests. I have nothing to say as to whether it is good form to ask for answers by post — I do not know much about such mat- ters ; but I do know that in London society, men and women know the advantage of sending answers in that way so well that they don't wait to be asked." Jeames's master, who had never been abroad, but who affected English style in everything, opened his eyes to their full- est extent. " 'Pon my word ! you don't mean to say that the aristocracy send their replies to invitations by post ?" " 'Pon my word, I do mean to say so," was the answer. "What do they keep their men-servants for ?" was the next query. " They keep them for use, and to have them about when they want them ; not to be running from one end of London to another with answers to the myriad invitations they get in the season. Well- bred people in London are marvellously like wellbred people everywhere ; and one of the first requirements of really good society is that all invitations requiring answers shall be promptly answered. In my opinion, they should be answered as soon as they are received. Three days grace are given by some persons, I am told, for all but dinner invitations ; but what would you think of a man who, when you said to him, ' Will you go down to my box with me next week for a day's shooting ?' should take three days to think about it, making no answer, and then meeting you, should say, ' I will go down to your box for BALLS. 209 a day's shooting next week.' Would you think him as wellbred a man as the one who answered you on the moment, ' Thank you, I will go down with you with the greatest pleasure?' On the contrary, would you not think him decidedly uncivil?" "The cases are not at all parallel. No one answers a ball invitation as soon as it is received," was the answer. " I beg your pardon. Every man who lives in a whirl of engagements is obliged to answer his invitations at once. It is only those who now and then get a straggling invitation who can take the risk of not answering promptly. They can remember whether or not they have answered them, and are in no danger of forgetting. Business men, too, are generally very prompt in replying, and all men ought to be." Here Jcames's master drawled out : " ' The Queen ' says if there is no E. S. Y. P. on an ' at home' invitation, and you intend to go, you need not send any answer." " The Queen be something," answered the old gentleman with the glasses. "We've got no Queen, God be praised; ask your mother, and she will tell you, as I have already told you, that wellbred people don't need R. S. V. P.'s to remind them of their duty. What Queen are you talking about ?" The old gentleman ^lyas pacified when he found " The Queen " was a London serial that indorsed his own views. Here the first speaker growled, "I don't care what 'The Queen' says or what any one else says. I don't go by rules, and I shall answer my invitations as I please and when I please ; and I go nowhere where I can't stay as long as I please. If people wish to entertain, let them entertain as every one else does — as our forefathers did, who made their guests welcome to stay as long as they liked, and who would no more have dreamed of sending an answer by the postman than by the milkman." In other words, thought I, " Mine fader's way is goot 14 210 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. enough for me. I will carry the bushel of stones on one side, and the flour on the other, pecause mine fader did, and my grandfader pefore him." This is not a bad illustration of the sort of opposition that those who move in social reforms must expect to en- counter. There are always bigoted and opinionated Dutch- men to be foimd in all communities. Not even New York can boast that she is free from provincialism in all her cir- cles, and Boston, who would like to hold the sun of prog- ress for the illumination of the world, shows herself in eclipse very often by the attitude which she takes upon subjects of vital import. Let Americans copy the English in their sensible use of postal facilities, and avoid the late hours which are anything but sensible for a nation of busi- ness men. It will never be fashionable in America to arrive early at parties, as long as fashionable people, and people who aspire to be fashionable, imagine that it adds to their importance to arrive late. But if a few women of influ- ence in our principal cities, whose affection for their chil- dren causes them to hold the welfare of the rising gener- ation very near their hearts, would choose the early hours that would suit their own convenience, and the health of our men, whose mornings are devoted to business, and give invitations for those hours — say from nine to one o'clock — ordering the music to stop precisely at one, something more might be effected in the way of a reformation than ha§ yot been accomplished. Failing to do so, they might, by ceas- ing to give parties for a time, secure greater punctuality in the future. Another duty of the guests is that each one should do all in his or her power to contribute to the enjoyment of the evening. Some gentlemen would not hesitate to refuse BALLS. 211 a hostess that asked to introduce him to a lady, who was either a stranger in the city, or who happened to be seated alone. And something in excuse for such a rudeness must be said, for the reason that our young men have the false idea that it is rude to leave a yoiing lady to whom they are talking until some other person has joined her, and quite naturally they hesitate to expose themselves to the risk of being quartered upon an uncompanionable person for the entire evening. It is difficult to discover where and how such an idea had its origin. It is not binding upon any young man to remain one moment longer than he desires with any lady. By constantly moving about from one to another, when he . feels so inclined, he gives opportunities to others to circu- late as freely ; and this custom, if introduced in our society, would go a long way toward contributing to the enjoyment of all. Let those who think it incumbent upon them to stand by the side of a ^\'oman, like a sentinel on duty, until relieved, look on in a European salon, and watch the men as they come and go ; a few minutes here, a few min- utes there, never hesitating to leave a lady with some com- panion of her own sex, whenever they desire. The sooner that this idea is exploded, the better for society, for what can be more imcomfortable than for a young lady to feel that the man who is talking to her is hoping that some one will come to his rescue, while possibly, there are gentlemen whom she would prefer, and who would in turn gladly give a few passing moments could they but know that they would be free to leave at any instant that conversation flagged, or that they desired to join another. It is, indeed, strange that such false ideas of politeness should prevail, as to cause a man to show a real rudeness to his hostess, in order that he might avoid a fancied one to one of her guests. As long as it is so, so long must 212 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. those who entertain, iind an excuse for such breaches of good manners. But every hostess who feels her responsi- bility, and who desires that all her guests should leave her house feeling repaid for the trouble and expense which they have incurred in accepting her invitation, should appreciate this sensible foreign custom, and try and do her part in introdiicing it among our young men. A writer, in the " Home Journal," of an article entitled "Sensible Etiquette," touching on this subject, says : " One more example as to the folly of adopting rules that were made for quite another form of society, is found in the pre- vailing idea that it is- rude for a gentleman to leave a lady at a party or ball or reception, with whom he is convers- ing, until some one comes up to relieve him. It would be interesting to know how this idea had its origin — an idea so conducive to the destruction of all pleasure in so- ciety, for, when a man has once found himself ' cornered ' (the favorite expression used by men under such circum- stances) for an hour or an evening with a girl or a woman who is not sympathetique or congenial, he is not going to run any unnecessary risks of a similar experience, and thereafter he often avoids many to whom he would like to talk for a few moments. In a society where it is not con- sidered a rudeness to leave after a few sentences with one, to exchange some words with another, there is a constant interchange of civilities ; and the men, being no longer in fear of this dreaded possibility, circulate through the room, going about with that charming freedom which insures the enjoyment of all. One cannot help wishing, after having marked the benefits of such freedom, that our men would introduce the custom here, and yet, the men would be pow- erless to do it without the co-operation of the women." "The Young Lady's. Friend" suggests the mode by which young girls may do their part in such a reform. BALLS. 213 The author says : " Inexperienced young girls keep a gen- tleman talking to them longer than he wishes, because they do not give him an opportunity to leave. They are perhaps standing apart from the rest of the company, and he cannot leave her without her remaining quite alone. If conver- sation drags, and you suspect that your companion wishes to leave you, facilitate his departure by changing your position, or speaking to some lady near you, or by asking him to take you to some friend or chaperon."* A gentle- man possessing savoir faire would instantly regard the re- quest, unless he preferred remaining. Most ladies who entertain give both dancing and talking parties, and as we have not the large suites of apartments that they often have in Europe, those who wish to avoid a crush must limit the number of their guests At a ball in a European city, given by the owner of a palace, who had thrown open nine rooms on one floor for the accommodation of less than two hundred guests, an Englishman remarked that with such grand rooms in Lon- don, five hundred people at least would have been invited. A lady standing by added, "Yes, and five hundred more to pack the staircases." The remarks were called forth by the host having said that his wife and himself were always so much afraid of having a crowd, that they had upon this occasion invited too few, not having made allow- ance for so large a prop6rtion of those who had accepted, being kept away by illness, or the death of relations; add- ing that he had received thirty such regrets upon the last day, from persons who had previously accepted. * The following requisite for a chaperon is from MuUer: "On donne le nom de chaperon 3, la dame qui, pour les reunions du monde, se fait eomme la protcctrise morale d'une jeune fille. Cette dame est generalement jcune oncoro, et doit jouir d'lino reputation irreproach- able; s'il en 6tait autroment, le r61e pris par olio serai t vraiment derisoire." 214 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. At the same time, the custom of removing the furniture from American drawing-rooms when large balls are given, •was commented upon. "Why, where do the dowagers sit?" "Dowagersarenot invited," was the answer. "Are young ladies in America permitted to go to balls without chaperons?" asked a matron. An American lady endeav- ored to explain that in some circles they were, but in others it was always considered necessary to provide a chaperon when the mother was not able to accompany her daughter; and that owing to the fact that our rooms are not so im- merous nor so large as in European palaces, the custom had of late years been adopted in some cities of consigning la- dies to the care of young married women who danced, in order that the room assigned for dancing" might' only be occupied by dancers; and this custom was advocated on the ground that, if the dowagers filled the-seats in a ball-room, no places were left for those who danced the cotillion to sit down to rest. Significant glances were exchanged between the matrons, but the American lady maintained her ground, and inwardly congratulated herself on the humanity of her countrywomen, as her eyes rested upon the numerous cou- ples standing through the cotillion ; the young girls every now and then looking wistfully back to the seats that they were debarred from taking, because of the presence of these same dowagers. One of the matrons present narrated a story of Washington society that had come under her own notice, which had a tendency to destroy the complacency of the American lady. A gentleman whom she knew, the Marquis de , went to America to pass a few months in travelling, and while in Washington delivered a letter of introduction to one of the most prominent ladies in society there. The lady, after introducing her three daughters to him, said : "T'lere is to be a large ball this evening at Mr. E 's. If you would like to go I will procure an invi- BALLS. 215 tation for you, and one of my daughters will accompany you." The gentleman expressed his thanks and accepted. The lady then asked him to choose which daughter he would prefer, and, he made his choice. As he was on the eve of leaving, the young lady designated the hour, saying, "You will come with the carriage, and the bouquet, punc- tually." This was the first ixitimation that he had received concerning the bouquet. Again he assented, and took his departure. He went) to the ball, received various intro- ductions, had a charming time, and returned home with his fair charge between two and three o'clock in the morn- ing. Upon arriving, he was invited by the young lady to enter the house with her and get a cup of tea. Accepting the proffered hospitality, he went in, expecting to find mamma ready to receive them, but -she did not make her appearance ; and after an hour's pleasant chat he took his departure. The lady who told the story, added, " I asked the Marquis how the mother could have placed so much confidence in him, when he was both a foreigner and a stranger." He replied, " She knew perfectly well that her daughter was able to take care of herself, as all American girls seem to be ; and if I had been such a scoundrel as to abuse her confidence, I would have known that a father or brother would have put a bullet through my brains." There are many American mothers to whom such a story will seem an impossibility, but unfortunately it is from American families of this description that foreigners get their ideas of us as a people. After this long digression, it is time to return to the duties of a hostess, which are far from ended when she has received her guests; although many in these days ignore their duties from first to last. The first duty of a hostess, after having seen that her rooms are well ventilated, well lighted^ and made sure that the cloak rooms for the ladies and gentlemen are in proper 216 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. order, and supplied with all their usual requisites, is to re- ceive her guests cordially and gracefully. In a description given by a newspaper reporter, of a private ball, it was stated that the lady- "received her guests majestically." Empresses and queens receive graciously those who are pre- sented to them, and among their subjects those of the high- est rank receive their guests with that courtesy which a truly wellbred woman never fails to show to all her guests. If comparative strangers have accepted an invitation, the hostess should endeavor to make them feel that they are not strangers. New acquaintances should be welcomed with a.s pleasant greetings as old friends. It should be her object to make every one so happy that no one will wish that he had remained at home. It may be suggested that the instincts of a lady would teach her this duty without any instructions from books, but some women have a cold or haughty air, which, though assumed at first to conceal their mauvais honte, becomes so habitual with them that they are not even cognizant of it themselves. While the hostess is receiving, no person should remain beside her, excepting the members of her family who re- ceive with her, or such friends as she has designated to assist her. All -persons entering should pass on to make room for others ; those who wish to show her any atten- tion seeking her later, when she is disengaged. It is too much to expect that a hostess will be able to sustain conversation with you, and have a few words for each entering guest, and it is very disagreeable for those who are entering to have to walk around trains, or to stand waiting for ladies to "move on." It often happens that there are more ladies to dance than gentlemen, and that those who are present, instead of coming forward to the relief of the hostess, assemble around the doors and look on, or retire into some little BALLS. 217 reception-room, bay-window, or corner, there to carry on one of those flirtations which are the bane of society. Others are so thoughtful as to say to the hostess, " Make any use of me that you can. I shall be only too happy to be of service to you." Such offers should never be abused ; nor should a hostess who has introduced a gentleman to a lady who does not dance fail to relieve him in ten or fifteen minutes, if she finds that he feels obliged to remain until another gentleman takes his place. Introductions take place in a ball-room in order to provide ladies with partners, or between persons residing in different cities. In all other cases, permission is gener- ally asked before giving introductions. But where a hostess is sufficiently discriminating in the selection of her guests, not attempting to fuse circles which are entirely distinct and as incapable of assimilation as oil and water, those assembled under her roof should remember that they are, in a certain sense, made known to one another, and ought, therefore, to be able to converse freely without introduc- tions. Ladies in American cities have much more license than in European society, nor is this license often abused. They are at liberty to walk about with their partners after adance; while there, they must return to the care of their chaperons, or retire to the room appropriated for their use in the pauses of the cotillion. When supper is announced, the host leads the way with the lady to whom he wishes to show that attention, who may be an elderly lady, or a stranger, or a bride. The hostess remains until the last, with the gentleman who takes her to supper, unless some distinguished guest is present with whom she leads the way. No gentleman should ever go into the supper-room alone, unless he has seen every lady enter before him. When ladies are left unattended. 218 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. gentlemen, although strangers, are at liberty to offer their services in waiting upon them, for the host and hostess are sufBcient guarantees for the respectability of their guests. In England an introduction given for dancing purposes does not constitute acquaintanceship. With us, as in Con- tinental Europe, it does; and here it may be as well to mention that it is for this reason that ladies are expected in England to bow first, while on the Continent it is the gentlemen who give the first marks of recognition, as it should be here ; or better still, simultaneously, when the recognition is simultaneous. An English authority says : " It is the lady's place to bow first to a gentleman." Certainly it is in England, where men are frequently introduced at a ball simply for the purpose of giving her a partner for a dance; but elsewhere, all over Europe, it is the man who bows first. In America we can afford to dispense with any such rule, attended as it is with numberless inconveniences. It is as much the man's place to bow (with our mode of life) as it is the woman's ; more, far more, when the man has been the recipient of a courtesy, such as an invitation from her. The one who recognizes first should be the first to show that recognition ; and in the case of a hostess, it is surely far easier for her guests to remember her face than it would be for her to remember the unfamiliar faces of a score or two of young men. We are heartily tired of the nonsense of those who shape their course in a republic by the rules of life in a kingdom, instead of by that courtesy which kindness of heart enjoins. Common civility also re- quires that those who have not been present, but who were among the guests invited, should when meeting the hostess for the first time after an entertainment, make it a point to express some acknowledgment of their appreciation of the invitation, by regretting their inability to be present. BALLS. 219 Never hold a lady's hand, when dancing a round dance, behind you, or on your hip, or high in the air, moving her arm as if it were a pump-handle, as seen in some of our Western cities. Such customs are offensive to wellbred women. Never forget ball-room engagements. It is one of the marks of good breeding to remember them scrupulously, never confusing them, or promising two dances to one per- son. It is not necessary to bow to a lady at the end of the quadrille ; it is enough that the gentleman offers his right arm, and walks half way around the room with her. He is not obliged to remain beside her unless he wishes to do so. Abroad, he leaves her with her chaperon, and here, he commits no rudeness by leaving her with any lady whom she knows, old or young. Never be seen without gloves in a ball-room, or with those of any other color than white, unless they be of. a most delicate hue. Some persons always provide themselves with a second pair, to be used in case of an accident. If a lady has forgotten an engage- ment to dance, the one she has thus slighted must accept her apology. To quarrel or make a scene in society is an affront to every well-bred man and woman present, and makes one ridiculous. Good breeding and the appear- ance of good temper are inseparable. "Wreathed smiles," though deceitful, are preferable, in a ball-i'oom at least, to honest frowns and coarse truths. Though not custom- ary for married persons to dance together in society, those men who wish to show their wives the compliment of such an unusual attention, if they possess any independence, will not be deterred from doing so by their fear of any comments from Mrs. Grundy. The sooner that we recover from the effects of the Puri- tanical idea that clergymen ouglit never to be seen at balls, the better for all who attend them. Where it is wrong for 220 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. a clergyman to go, it is wrong for any member of his churcli to be seen. Ill leaving a ball-room before the music has ceased, if no member of the family is in sight, it is not necessary to look for them before taking your departure. Englishmen, who go from one ball to another, as is done night after night in London, dispense with all ceremonies of leave-taking. This innovation upon old-school customs is looked upon with favor by hostesses, even at receptions, where the fa- tigue of leave-taking is sometimes as great as at ceremo- nious gatherings. When the invitation is a first one, however, endeavor not to make your exit until you have thanked your hostess for the entertainment. It is not necessary to say that " it has been a great success," but you can with pro- priety speak of the pleasure it has afforded you. A gen- tleman (wearing white ducks !) at a small dancing reception took leave of a very beautiful young woman who was seated by her hostess, entirely ignoring the presence of the latter. It was commented upon by a bystander, when the hostess amiably replied : "It is not the first time that a man has been so bewildered by beauty as to forget his duty." To sum up, the requisites for an agreeable ball are, a wellbred hostess, good ventilation, good music, a good supper, guests who know their duties, and not too large a number of them. When there is a crush, like those in London ball-vooms, where only two or three rooms are thrown open, and the number invited is as disproportionate to the accommoda- tions as it would be to ask a dinner-party of twenty-four to seat themselves at a table that has scarcely places for twelve, then let no hostess complain if young men refuse to dance. Invitations to such balls are not hospitalities but inflictions. Those invited accept, beguiled by the pros- BALLS. 221 pect of enjoyment, but too often find they might as well look for pleasure in a torture-chamber. To require a man to undergo the martyrdom of a dance under such circum- stances, would be about as reasonable as to invite him into a hot " smithy " to work at an anvil on an August day for the amusement of seeing the sparks fly. A hostess is safe, however, in inviting one-fourth more than her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets are sure to be received. Sensible people will not, as a rule, ex- pect to be invited to a ball unless they dance, or act as chap- erons to those young ladies who do. Some one has said that after a certain age, it is not only laborious to dance, but even to look at dancing. Our young ladies are too inde- pendently brought'up to be in actual need of a mother's presence in a ball-room, and few mothers would be able to accompany them always. It is for other reasons that the absence of dowagers from ball-rooms in late years is to be regretted. Even in this age of license there are not many mothers in society who would permit a daughter to attend a ball not given in a 2irivate house, unguarded by the restrain- ing influence of her presence. A few suggestions may be added, to refresh the memories of those who are remiss in ball-room duties, although of such a nature that no one can plead ignorance of them. A gentleman should never attempt to step across a lady's train, he should walk around it. If by any accident he shoulH tread upon any portion of her dress, he should in- stantly say, "I beg pardon;" and if, by greater careless- ness, he should tear it, he must pause in his course, and ofier to take her to the dressing-room to have it mended. If a lady asks any favor, such as to send a servant to her with a glass of water, to take her in the ball-room when she is without an escort, to inquire whether her car- 222 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. riage is in waiting, or any of the numerous services which ladies often require, no gentleman need to be told that he ought not to refuse her request. A young man who had received frequent hospitalities from a middle-aged married woman, was asked, upon the occasion of a ball at the house of a commpn friend, to take her into the drawing-room. He replied: "^xcase me, I am not going in until some friends whom I am waiting for arrive." This same young man was afterwards heard to express astonishment that the lady never invited him when she entertained. Young men who cannot remember to per- form the little courtesies of life, which civility requires of them, cannot expect that ladies will trouble their memory in any way concerning them. Gentlemen and ladies should bow as soon as they catch the eye of an acquaintance, after having spoken with their hostess. When the recognition is simultaneous, the bow should also be. Those ladies and gentlemen who affect abstraction, not speaking at once when their eyes meet those of an acquaintance, mark themselves as underbred, in the eyes of men and women of the world who have been trained to their duties until the performance of them has become instinctive. Such conduct is an unbearable affecta- tion, and an index of ignorance or conceit. Society makes no allowance for absent-minded people ; they are sure to be classed with the snobbish and the underbred. And it should be so, for had every one the disagreeable habit of not speaking at first sight, no one wouJd be able fo re- member to whom he had spoken and to whom he had not. A really wellbred man will remember to ask the daughters of a house to dance, as it is imperative to do so; and if the ball has been given for a lady who dances, he should include her in his attentions. If he knows inti- i):ately any of tlie young ladies present, they have a right BALLS. 223 to expect to be remembered, and if he has any ambition to be considered a thoroughbred gentleman, he will not forget to sacrifice himself occasionally to those who are unsought and neglected in the dance. The consciousness of having performed a kind and Christian action will repay him. Nothing marks an illbred man more than gorging at supper ; and to take too much wine is a breach of good manners that is never forgotten against you, although it may be forgiven. Young ladies ought not to accept invitations for every, dance. The fatigue is too wearing, and the heated faces that it induces too unbecoming. But they must be careful how they refuse to dance ; for unless a good reason is given, a man is apt to take it as an evidence of personal dislike. After refusing, the gentleman should not urge her to dance, iior should the lady accept another invitation for the .same danoe. The members of the household are ex- pected to see that those of their guests who wish to dance are provided with partners. No dancing chaperons can accept for the cotillion until the young ladies under their charge have partners. It would be an excellent custom for those. who give balls to appoint either three or four gentlemen who do not dance as aids or stewards, or masters of ceremonies, to attend to the music and dancing, and to introduce and provide all who wish to dance with partners. In some European cities, all young men dancing the quadrille invariably ask to be presented to their vis-a-vis before commencing it, if she is not already an acquaintance. This is certainly a very civil custom, but the lady should then have the same privilege, as in England, of being the first to recognize an acquaintance made in this man- ner; although in our country it is not to be supposed that a lady would object to continuing a bowing acquain- tance with any man whom she has met in the house of a 224 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. common friend, so long as his manner is civil and respect- ful. When balls are given, an awning should be provided for the protection of those passing from their carriages to the house, when the weather is bad. In all cases, a broad piece of carpet should be spread from the door to the car- riage steps. Ladies leaving should not allow gentlemen to see them to their carriages, unless overcoats and hats are on for departure. Where it is possible, a tea-room, separate from the supper-room, is thrown open at a ball, provided with tea, frozen coffee, claret or fish-house punch, sandwiches, plain cakes, and, later in the evening, bouillon and hot coffee. Where this is not possible, punch and cakes are served from a side table, at the end of a hall, and this is quite sufficient where the invited are in the habit of arriving two hours after they are asked. The supper-room is thrown open generally at twelve o'clock. The table is made as elegant as beautiful china, cut glass and an abundance of flowers can make it. In Europe the suppers are generally cold, and the dishes that are served vary with the customs of the people. In our cities, they are always hot, with a few cold dishes, such as boned turkey, hcev^ a la mode, chicken, and lobster salad, salmon mayonnaise and raw oysters. The hot dishes are oysters stewed, fried, broiled and scolloped; chicken, sweet- bread and oyster croquettes, sweetbread and green peas, terrapins and game. It is much healthier when the ices are eerval during the evening, and not at the supper. When there is not a crush, ladies and gentlemen take their supper at the same time in most of our cities, as abroad; but when this is impossible, the gentlemen devote themselves entirely to waiting upon the ladies, and take their supper later; after which the supper-room is closed. Bouillon and ices are then sometimes served in the refresh- YOUNG MKN UNDBK T-WBNTY-ONE. 225 ment room, or passed during the cotillion, if the ball is a late one. It is not in good form to hand cigars at balls, nor to ask for anything that is not served with the supper. Invitations are often asked for balls, either for strangers in town or for young relations just going into society who have had no opportunity of making the acquaintance of the 'lady entertaining. When such invitations are given, if to a young girl, one for the parents can be inclosed also, if the relations of the lady who entertains are such with the parents as to make the first advances toward a visiting acquaintance incum- bent upon her ; but if not, the invitation should be in- closed with that of the chaperon, who has intimated the wish to have it extended. When gentlemen, invited to a house on the occasion of an entertainment, are not acquainted with all the members of a family, their first duty, after speaking to their host and hostess, is to ask some common friend to introduce them to those members whom they do not know. It is too great a tax upon the host and hostess, occupied as they are in receiving, to demand the introduction from them, as is often done. Some men, it is said, accept invitations and avoid this duty. It would seem incredible were it not vouched for on good authority that they afterwards boasted of so doing. Such specimens of humanity remind one of Rudolf Harf- thal's answer to the Earl, in the play of "Dreams:" "You unmannerly ruffian ! you have the title of a nobleman, but not enough self-respect even to be a gentleman !" Such young men must have entered society before they were fitted for its duties, or had the misfortune not to have had good home training. The following incident took place within the memory of the present generation, in a city not ffe,r distant from New 15 226 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. York. A young man who had been invited to a house, for the first time, neglected having himself presented to the host. At his departure, he was followed from the room by the host, who said, " Excuse me, I cannot allow you to leave my house without introducing myself to you, as you have not had yourself introduced to me. I am Mr. Blank Blank." The young man seemed delighted at this attention on the part of Mr. Blank, and M'as apparently as unconscious of having committed a gross incivility as if he had been ed- ucated in the latitude of the Black Hills. Such young men, together with those who set wine-glasses or plates on the base of costly marble statues, or who empty them under the table, who carry " eatables and drinkables" into draw- ing-rooms for the thoughtless, who throw themselves on satin and lace bed-covers, leaving the mark of blacking on the delicate spreads ; who use damask towels to wipe the mud from their "pumps," who smoke in bed-robms, leaving piles of ashes on the marble of bureaus or wash- stands, are the ones to whom Herr Teufelsdrockh should have confined his comments. Society accepts the physiological view of the respective fitness of young women at the age of eighteen, and young men from the age of twenty-one to twenty-two, to enter its more ceremonious assemblages. Up to these ages, they are supposed to be occupied with studies which prepare them for the enjoyment of life, as well as for usefulness, and for contributing to the enjoyment of others j until then, their intercourse with the world is generally confined to their circles of relatives, school companions, college class-mates and other young persons near their own age. Now and then an exceptional case is found, in which a young girl is as mature at sixteen as another at eighteen ; a young man ' as cultivated and co»npanionable at nineteen as at twenty- INFLUENCE OF SISTERS. 227 five, and such are always welcomed in society without re- gard to age. Parents are the best judges of the fitness of their children to enter general society before the age that custom sanctions — at least they know their own wishes in such matters ; and it is for them to decide how long it is for their children's good to give that uninterrupted attention to study, which becomes impossible when once broken in upon by society claims. So far from agreeing with the German philosopher in the expression of his views, given at the head of this chap- ter, in reference to young men being kept out of sight until they are twenty-one, we are of the opinion that not enough attention is given by parents and sisters to young sons and brothers at home, in the way of providing entertainment for them, as well as instruction, making their companions ■welcome, providing liberally for their pleasure, and throw- ing around them the refining influence of the society of young girls. Home should be made the happiest spot on earth for all its inmates, and those mothers' and sisters who fully ap- preciate their responsibilities will labor for this end. The important relations that sisters sustain to brothers cannot be fully appreciated without a greater knowledge of the world, and its temptations for young men, than girls in their teens are supposed to possess ; but sisters who study to please and amuse their brothers in their youth receive their reward, not only upon the hold thus gained upon their brothers' afi^ction and confidences, but in the sisterly influence acquired over them in controlling intimacies, and sometimes in preventing them from becoming the vic- tims of the designing and the unprincipled. More than this, it is in the sister's power to aid the mother in establishing that high standard of female excel- lence which guides a man in the most important event of his life, namely, in choosing a wife. Those young men 228 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. who have formed their models from mothers and sisters, whose aims have been high and worthy, will not be so likely to allow fancy or passion to control them in their choice of a companion for life, as will those who have had friv- olous and selfish women around them. Some very prac- tical writer says: Love is not aflFeetion. From its very nature it is but a temporary impulse, and, in most cases, a singularly silly impulse, which has become to be regarded as something almost divine, owing to the absurd nonsense that poets and others have written about it. This would be truer, if its author had said, " Fancy is not affection," etc. However^ it is a sad lesson which the experience of life brings to many, namely, that the mar- riages which are made in the heaven of love are too often not as happy as those which are made from a moral judg- ment, for traits of mind -and heart, from the standpoint of sentiment rather than of feeling or passion. On this subject. Rev. Robert Collyer says : " I think the average novel is making sad mischief in the average mind in its pictures of true love. It makes the tender glow and glamour which related natures feel when they meet, true love. It is no such thing ; it is true passion, that is all ; a blessed power purely and rightly used, but no more true love than those little hooks and tendrils we see in June on a shooting vine are the ripe clusters of October. For true love grows out of reverence and defer- ence, loyalty and courtesy, good service given and taken, dark days and bright days, sorrow and joy. It is the fine essence of all we are together, and all we do. True passion comes first, true love last." It has been said that passion can exist without love, but that there is no such thing as true love without passion, that passion comes and goes like the lightning out of the heavens ; but that love, like the sun, burns with a steady INFLUENCE OF SISTERS. 229 light, even wlien behind clouds of trial and vexation, ad- vornity and affliction. This then is the "true love" that is needed to make married life what it should be, to sanctify and hallow all its relations and to make home the altar of the affections. Other requisites for happiness in married life are treated in another chapter. The " Young Lady's Friend" enters so fully upon the relations of brothers and sisters, behavior to parents, friends, young men, and connections, conduct to teachers, treat- ment of domestics, female companionship, and mental cul- ture, that it would seem to be a work of supererogation to even touch upon any of these topics in a book which is intended as a companion to that volume; but too much cannot be said or written upon the vast power that lies in the hands of mothers and sisters in forming the char- acters of sons and brothers. Aime Martin says: "The maternal inspirations can impart vice and virtue as the Word of God imparts life." In these inspirations, in this influence, sisters as well as mothers may have a part. 230 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTEE VII. CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS ON POINTS OP SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, "WITH BECAPITULATOEY KBMAEKS AND COMMENTS. " A gentleman offers his left arm to the lady whom he is to lead into dinner." — " Social Etiquette in New York," Home Journal. " Dinner announced, the host offers his left arm to the lady." — Mrs. Dahlqrbn's " Etiquette of Social Life in Washington." " A gentleman offers his right arm in conducting ladies, wliether on the street or in the house. By so doing, the right hand of the lady is left free to hold her parasol, or, if in the house, to use her fan, attached to her chatelaine, and to guard her train from being stepped upon. Some writers decree that the right arm Is to be offered on one occasion, and the left arm on others. This is absurd, as no man could remember the distinctions with our mode of life. Both com- mon sense and gallantry assign the lady's place where it is for her greatest convenience, on his right. A lady gives the seat of honor at table on her right, retaining the right-hand seat in her carriage and opera-box, excepting where she yields It to a lady older than herself. The rule that a lady must always have the wall, either on the street or ascending staircases, should not be regarded. It was made for walking in streets where there are no sidewalks or very narrow ones (as still seen in some foreign cities), to protect the lady from the passing vehicles and animals. In America a gentle- man should, as a rule, keep on the left of a lady, in order to guard her from the jostling of passers-by. He should pay no regard to the wall. It is for the protection of ladies in this way that the rule is so universally followed of giving the right arm." — Mj-s. H 0. Ward. Is it any wonder that we have no general understanding of what the established customs of society in America are, or should be, when our authorities vary so widely in a simple point, which, in other countries, is a settled one? CONFLICTINa AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 231 To some persons it may seem almost ludicrously unim- portant whether a gentleman offers his right arm or his left in conducting ladies through suites of apartments and halls, or in galleries of pictures ; yet, as the non-observ- ance of just such trivial points creates confusion where harmony should reign, and inconvenience where the com- fort of all concerned should be regarded, we shall try to show which of these rules is the best suited to our mode of life in America, without reference to the customs of any other country. Mrs. Admiral .Dahlgren, in her book treating of the etiquette of social life in Washington, frankly states that her sole object is to collate various expressions on mooted points, in the hope that their presentation may lead to the establishment of more clearly-defined rules, generously adding : " We are, therefore, equally pleased to publish opinions of weight when presented to us, whether they may happen to coincide with any preconceived notion of our own or not." This is just what is needed in order to reconcile our conflicting customs, and to bring about that uniformity and " fixity of society usages which we must have before we can be said to have society in the sense in which that word is used by the foreigners who come here seeking society," to quote from an article in "The Galaxy" en- titled, " What Constitutes American Society ?" "The Nation" (March 6th, 1873), commenting upon this paper, says, one mistake which foreigners make who are sojourning among us, is that of supposing that because an Englishman will, under certain circumstances, always do certain things ; and a Frenchman will, under certain cir- cumstances, always do certain things, therefore an Ameri- can also has this fixity ; continuing : " From our want of fixed society, then, and of a fixed national type, it follows 232 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. that whoso seeks among us fixed society usages will always be liable to mistakes. The subject is a deep and high one-; but tourists who intend paying us a visit might be referred to an article which appears in 'Lippincott' for March, entitled, * Unsettled Points of Etiquette.' " The constant readers of " Lippincott " may remember that the ground which Mrs. Moore took in this essay, was that the diversity of opinion which exists in America in refer- ence to many points of etiquette is to be regretted, for the reason that " where no fixed rules exist, there must always be misapprehensions and misunderstandings; rudenesses suspected where none are intended, and sometimes re- sented, to the great perplexity of the offender as to the cause of offence." Mrs. Dahlgren has made the first move in the right direction for bringing about the harmonizing of these diversities, for it is but of comparatively little importance to know what customs are occasionally ob- served in different circles, as long as these customs con- flict. What our society needs is "fixed sodely usages" not varying customs laid down as actual laws, where there is no general understanding as to the origin of, and reason for, the customs, — where, in fact, only a few hold them in observance, the majority knowing them to be contrary to prevailing ideas, and in some cases antagonistic to the spirit of our institutions. A knowledge of etiquette is not merely a knowledge of common politeness, but of fhe general ciistoms of society at its best, and obedience to it is to social life what obedience to law is in political life, as has been already quoted. We do not wish to be told only what the customs are, in American society, but what they ought to be as well. Therefore, giving precedence to Mrs. Dahlgren, as one of those ladies of social influence who have been the first to move in an effort to bring order out of the chaos which has CONFLICTINa AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 233 been a cause of reproach in our social life, we quote first from her book on etiquette, — " Dinner announced, the host offers his left arm to the lady who has the highest official position present." Why has Washington society decreed that the left arm of the gentleman should be offered, instead of the right? If any good reason can be given for reviving in this age a discarded rule made for quite a different state of civiliza- tion, let us by all means follow it all over the United States, and not have one rule for one section and an opposite one for another section. The lady who is compelled to use her left hand to guide her train, in walking through suites of rooms, or to hold her parasol, if on the promenade, looks awkward and feels awkward, if she is not left-handed ; yet all this she must do if she takes a gentleman's left arm. While if she takes his right arm (though not usual to take the arm in walk- ing, it is sometimes necessary), be is able to protect her from the jostling elbows of those who pass her, and her right hand is left free to use it as she will. If the rule for giving the left arm be traced back to its origin, it will be found to have had its rise in days when it was a matter of necessity that men should pass to the left, both on foot and on horse; thus keeping the sword- arm free for self-protection, or for the protection of ladies accompanying them. Now all this is changed in our latitude, and we pass to the right, so that nothing can be plainer than that gallantry should assign to the lady the gentleman's right arm, as well for her convenience as for her protection from contact with those who pass her. During the marriage ceremony the bride stands at the left of the bridegroom, facing the priest, and with her back to the concourse of people, in order that when they turn 234 SENSIBLK ETIQUETTE. she may take his right arm in walking out of church to their carriage. Otherwise, he would have to pass in front of her to offer the required arm. It needs but little reflec- tion to show us that whatever be the customs of other countries, gentlemen in America should keep ladies who are walking with them on their right. There are some ladies who consider it a great awkwardness on the part of gentlemen to offer them the left arm, under any cir- cumstances, without first apologizing for so doing, saying that they cannot help forming their opinion of a man's savoir /aire by this test. The folly of such a method of judging is shown in the fact that we have no actual laws, and that the rule of giving the left arm is still some- times found in foreign etiquette books, prepared for the instruction of persons in countries where people pass to the left. One reason put forward by those who advocate this use of a gentleman's left arm is that it leaves the right arm free to defend the lady, if attacked or insulted. How- ever admirable such forethought may be for the lati- tude of the Black Hills, it certainly cannot be necessary for the more highly cultured circles of our Eastern cities. Such a rule would make a very good appendage to the Deadwood version of the ten commandments, given as an eleventh. In the state of society which our newspapers represent as existing in Deadwood, a man would need to have his right arm disengaged, as well as in feudal times, in order to ward off any sudden blow, which he might be sul)- jected to receiving. It is no longer necessary to consult the convenience of the gentleman in this matter, and no lady who has been accustomed to a society where the right arm is always offered, ever willingly submits to tlie inconvenience of taking the left, for it makes it as awkward CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 235 for her as it would be to use the left hand at table where she now uses the right. Another reason put forward for offering the left arm in conducting a lady to the dining-room is that it is the French custom, adopted in order that the gentleman may, with more convenience to himself, place the lady's chair to suit her. The absurdity of this reason is too evident to need explanation, for when a gentleman seats a lady at the din- ner-table, he is obliged to release her arm before she can take her seat, and in doing so he is compelled to stand di- rectly behind her chair while placing it, and consequently is quite as near his own seat in the one case as in the other. Besides, we do not wish to follow French customs, when those of our mother country are better adapted to our modes of life. Neither do we admit that the best-bred French- men give their left arms to ladies, save in exceptional cases, although their books of etiquette give this information. Books treating of etiquette alone are often written by dancing-masters and Turveydrops and others knowing little of the customs of the best society of any land, and who cannot therefore be trusted in points which conflict with common-sense views. Another reason mentioned in favor of the left arm being given, is that it gives the lady the wall in certain cases. At the first glance this seems both sensible and correct, but when we come to look into the origin of the rule so often laid down in books on etiquette, that a lady must have the wall, we find it was made when there were no sidewalks, and gentlemen were compelled to give the wall in order to protect the ladies with them from passing vehicles and ani- mals. The rule is still observed in countries where the sidewalks are very narrow, but ladies in America who dis- like to be jostled or elbowed, or to come in contact with a stream of passing people, keep to the right, which obliges 236 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. the gentleman walking with them to remain on their left. Even when the streets are muddy there are ladies who would take the risk of a splashed gown to the risk of the contact referred to. In ascending staircases, no rule is necessary, inasmuch as a lady and a gentleman do not ascend side by side, un- less the lady is an invalid, or aged and infirm. Those who write upon etiquette should, in order to ac- complish a desirable uniformity of action, consult together as to the rules best adapted to American life, before citing any customs as actual laws. We have no actual laws, " no fixity of society usages," as the writer of the article in " The Galaxy " stated, while our need of them is increasing yearly. By reason of the great changes which have taken place in late years in New York society, greater than in any other of our Ea-stern cities, there, less than elsewhere, will be found perpetuated the gentle and refining tradition- ary influences which hold in check the most exclusive cir- cles of Boston and Philadelphia society. "We shall never have any fixity of social usages, nor any rules that will be trustworthy ones to follow, as long as writers on this subject tell us what is done in certain circles, instead of what ought to be done. Herein, Mrs. Dahlgren sets an admirable ex- ample, which, if followed by others, would do much towards rectifying the state of things which hosts of wellbred and well-informed foreigners have complained of in American society, from De Tocqueville and Gurowski and Hubner, down to the essayists of to-day, viz., " our want of social laws, which conform as far as possible to the best laws of cultivated circles " everywhere. But if one writer tells us it is already a rule of New York society that the left arm is to be offered, and another advises American men to give the right arm, because ladies prefer to have their right hands at liberty, as well as because it is the prevailing cus- CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 237 torn in the most exclusive circles of the Old World, what will the result be but a continued and continual confusion of ideas as to which arm should be given. One involuntarily recalls these words of Caius Marius: "To concert measures at home answerable to the state of things abroad, and to gain every valuable end, in spite of opposition from the envious, the factious, and the disaf- fected ; to do all this, my countrymen, is more difficult than is generally thought." The application of these words to the efforts put forth for securing harmony in our social laws is not as absurd as it seems. Isocrates, born at Athens, 436 B.C., laid the greatest stress not only upon unanimity of action in the right forming of the manners of the youth of his time, but upon the strict inspection of the manners of adult persons, that their example might not load astray those that had been properly educated. Not to have this kind of instruc- tion, and to hold diverse ideas as to social customs, is, as we have seen in previous chapters, as confusing to the novice in American society, as to find two or more standards of weights and measures prevailing in the same place. "II vaut mieux ne pas savoir, que de savoir mal ce qu' on sait." Turning to De Tocqueville's " Democracy in America," we find these words : " Nothing is more prejudicial to de- mocracy than its outward forms of behavior ; many men would willingly endure its vices who cannot support its manners. Though the manners of European aristocracy do not constitute virtue, they sometimes embellish virtue itself." Gurowski, in his "America and Europe," says : "The thoroughbred European aristocrat is generally the most scrupulous in observing towards his equals, and still more towards his inferiors in a social point of view, those highest degrees of masonry of good breeding, in which few seem to be initiated in America." 238 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. What is needed to make our outward forms of behavior more attractive in all matters, both small and great, is com- petent instruction in this masonry of good breeding. The writer of one of the best articles " Concerning Etiquette," which has appeared on this side of the Atlantic, tells us that the longitude of London is to all intents and purposes the social longitude of America also. This is another reason for adopting as our own the social laws of our mother country, which are adapted to our customs, instead of accepting etiquette-book innovations. Laws of etiquette which do not support the dignity of the individual, and the convenience and the comfort of the community, are senseless laws. The time has arrived to discard them, and to adopt new and better ones. But. to quote once more from Isocrates : " To advise that we should return to some of the institutions of our ancestors is, surely, a very different matter from proposing innovations;" and in the matter of offering the right arm, we have but to recall the times of our old-school grandfathers to see that this is no innovation, but a return to one of the customs of our worthy ancestors. Several "conflicting points" have already been touched upon in previous chapters. As the three books have been written in such a commendable cause, it is greatly to be de- plored that their writers have not consulted together as to rules where siich different instructions have been given. It is to be hoped that future editions will show that reconcili- ation of conflicting opinions, which is as essential to the reputation of the writers as authorities, as it is to the in- struction of the readers of the books. Mrs. Dahlgren's book was written to meet the require- ments of Washington society. The compiler of " Sensible Etiquette" knows nothing of the society of our capital since the days of Henry Clay; but in recalling what it was CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 239 then, she well I'emembers a gallant speech made to her by a famous statesman, who, in conducting her to the table (upon the occasion of one of those "champagne suppers" where all were seated, which were frequently given in those days) said : " I always keep a lady on ray right side, as I am then sure of being near her heart." Possibly this custom having belonged to a past genera- tion, may have some weight in settling the question, and preventing the general adoption of a rule set down only in books of etiquette. " Social Etiquette in New York," is a more ambitious work, and was written in response to numerous and con- stant applications from all parts of the country for infor- mation regarding social forms and usages in New York city, after " Sensible Etiquette " had gone through eight or ten numbers. of "The Saturday Evening Post." "So- cial Etiquette" is entirely original, and written in the most charming vein, evincing in portions of it the well- bred woman of the world, as well as the gentlewoman of sense and refinement. It is thoroughly reliable as to the customs of certain circles in New York ; but what our young people need is a knowledge of what they ought to do, more than a knowledge of what is done. And herein lies the diiference between "Sensible Etiquette" and "Social Eti- quette." The first is a compilation from the best writers on behavior, manners, and higher culture, and from the best authorities on etiquette ; the latter is an expression of one gentlewoman's views as to the prevailing customs of New York society. A recent article in the " Home Journal," entitled "Neg- lected Manners," attributes the disappearance of the first principles of good breeding in modern households partly to ignorance, and partly to reaction toward license from the extreme rigidity and repression of former systems, thus 240 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. supporting the compiler in the ground taken in preceding chapters, when demonstrating the fact that the bad man- ners of the young people of the present day are mainly attributable to want of home-training. Our journals teem with articles in reference to the want of civility in our women, shown by not acknowledging courtesies (extended to them in street-cars, railway carriages, and elsewhere), with a simple " thank you !" The "Graphic," quoting from "Social Etiquette,"' com- ments as follows : " It is pronounced not etiquette for ladies to say 'thank you' for small courtesies, such as passing change in an omnibus, restoring fallen umbrellas, etc. Oh, it's all explained now!" A society in which it is no longer etiquette to thank a stranger for a civility, may be fashionable, but it is not om* best society. Our own gentlemen, as well as foreigners, may well think any lady ungracious who does not say "thank you," to a stranger who stands "hat in hand" after " opening a door for her to pass," or "after stopping to raise an umbrella for her in the rain," or upon "restor- ing to her her dropped handkerchief, or fan." This is not sensible etiquette ; and, therefore, no one should adopt it. Nor should a gentleman extending such a civility stand with his eyes cast down as though he were a clown, unac- customed to offering civilities. Neither should he smile, as an acquaintance would. On the part of the lady a grave but cordial " thank you," is certainly better form than the smile to an unknown man, which it would seem by " So- cial Etiquette" that some New York society sanctions. Another conflicting point between authorities is in refer- ence to answering invitations. "II est aussi indispensable de rSpondre quand on vous iarit lorsqu 'on vous park," is the law of our best society ; and the higher the breeding the more prompt the reply. Promptness and punctuality CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 2-11 are said to be among the virtues of kings and queens, with more truth than that proverb expresses, which confers them on tailors and boot-makers. Out of the very strictness with which our parents en- forced the rule of replying to all invitations as soon as they are received, grew in this generation the absurdity of considering it more civil to send an acceptance than a regret, when the writer kiiew he could not be present. The rule : " Where there is any doubt as to a person's accepting an invitation of any description, a note of accept- ance should be promptly sent, and if circumstances make it necessary to remain away, an explanatory note of regret must be despatched before the party comes off, if possible. If not, the following day." Now, the first part of the rule is obeyed by some who forget the binding requirement of the second part, and the rudeness of disregarding it. An old number of the "Home Journal" (May 21st, 1873), contained the following incident, which the compiler intro- duces here in illustration of the strict observance, in ex- clusive foreign society, of the rules requiring promptness in replying, and a note of explanation, if after events make it necessary to recall an acceptance. " The following incident, which has recently occasioned some stir in a certain circle of a European capital, is in- teresting as proving conclusively that two prominent points of etiquette, set forth lately in an article republished in our columns from ' Lippincott's Magazine,' are not unsettled points there, however much they may be disputed here. We congratulate the authoress that she is sustained by such high authority in the face of tte coarse, adverse criticism which assailed her article in the city where it was first publislied. 16 242 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. For ourselves, we have no doubt the other points of het essay will be found to have an equally high sanction. We consider the article one of the best that has appeared on the subject in this country. We quote the following from a private letter : " Signer B., an aide-de-camp of the King of Italy, was recently sent to the court upon a special mission. Count , the Italian minister, gave a soiree for this person, inviting all the corps diplomatique, the foreign officials and members of the court, who accepted the same day that the invitations were sent. Signor B. dined with the King the night previous to the soirle, who then gave him an order, which he thankfully received; but after the dinner he went to his minister and expressed his desire to have a different order. The following morning the order was returned with this request to the King, who, very naturally, resented the act, and made all the members of his court understand that he did not wish them to go to the soiree. In consequence, every one sent regrets, and the King refused to see Signor B. when he asked afterwards for an audience d'adieu." " This incident proves completely, first, that all the mem- bers of the court sent their acceptances promptly; and, second, that after having accepted, they would have thought it very uncivil not to have gone, unless they sent partic- ular word that they were prevented from going. " It is certainly more civil to answer ail formal invita- tions promptly ; and those who assert that it is not, show their own remissness as well as ignorance." It has been said that nine-tenths of the notes of accept- ance and regret contain either grammatical errors, or are in some way incorrect. How is it that people of high cul- tivation do not acquaint themselves with these simple matters, when they go so far with stranp-ers in forming CONFLICTING AUTHORITIES AND OPINIONS. 243 judgments of the writers? However, this subject having been treated in the chapters in which the mistakes were pointed out and the proper forms given, it is not necessary to say more in emphasis of the fact that it is so. Another point in reference to which opinions seem to conflict is in the signing of letters with the prefix of " Mrs." or " Miss." There should be no conflicting opin- ions here, since the rule is absolute. " A lady signing her name in letters, documents, writ- ings of a literary character, or in any way, must sign her own name (not the name of her husband) with no prefix." Americans are noted for their disregard of this rule ; though not unfrequently, when signing in a body, it may arise from the carelessness or thoughtlessness of one of the num- ber causing all who sign to appear to give evidence of this manque de I'instruotion, as it is considered ; while those who have not signed their names, but given permission to another to sign for them, may have been annoyed by the apparent mark of ignorance. Where a number of ladies unite in extending an invita- tion to one person, each lady should of course sign with her "christian name." The invitations extended to others who are invited to meet this person are not signed by them- selves, but bear their names as married women, in the same manner as for balls or concerts of which they are the patronesses. The order of precedence in signing, varies in different circles ; age should take precedence, but when this is not conceded there is but one method that can be adopted with satisfaction to all concerned, and without throwing odium upon any individual as appropriating for herself undue prominence, and that is to arrange the names alphabeti- cally. This is the course most generally adopted in our best society. 244 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. It is not customary, nor would it be proper, for young unmarried ladies to sign their names to such an invitation, where the one invited is a married lady of high position. After reaching a certain age, an unmarried lady has, by courtesy, some of the rights and privileges of a married one; still they should be used with discretion. Under no circumstances does a wellbred English lady sign her name as " Mrs." It is considered a proof of low breeding. An Amierican lady who was about to receive the order of " The Amaranth," was required to register her name in a book presented to her for the purpose. She turned to a friend near her with the question, "How shall I enter it, as I would sign a letter^ or with my married name as Mrs. ?" The answer was not as civil as it might have been. " We English women never sign our names but one way, but your countrywomen frequently put the ' Mrs.' before their names, even in signing letters." There was no disputing the fact, and the American lady could only answer, " You must remember that America is a very large country, and that we have women there who are untrained in social duties and distinctions, as every nation must have." To take up another point upon which conflicting opinions exist. The question is often asked, " Are calls expected after kettle-drums and day receptions?" Certainly not from those who were present. The kettle-drum and five- o'clock tea were instituted in order that ladies might be at home to receive the oalls of their acquaintances, in- stead of their cards. Ladies go in carriage or walking costume, make their call, leave their cards to refresh the memory of their hostess, that she may remember their presence, and not expect the after-call, binding on those who were not present. As after a lady has made a call, REMARKS AND COMMENTS. 245 she of course is not bound to repeat it; so, after the call made on kettle-drum day, no other call is expected. Nearly all general rules have their exceptions, and there are cases where a call is soon followed up by another; as where ladies exchanging first visits do not meet, which re- quires a second call on the part of the one whose duty it is to make herself known to the other. This rule, so bind- ing in some countries, is seldom observed here, although it was an established one in the days of the "Republican Court." " Historic Mansions of Philadelphia," page 268, gives us a glimpse of some prevailing social customs in the days ■when our avcien noblesse ruled society after the manner of the English nobility and gentry. The writer, speaking of a daughter of Dr. Barnabas Binney, and sister of Horace Binney, says : " Mrs. Wallace lived on Market Street, nearly opposite General Washington's house, during his residence in Philadelphia, and her remembrances of him were noted by her son, Horace Binney Wallace, long since deceased. She saw General Washington frequently at pub- lic balls. His manners there were very gracious and pleasant. She went with Mrs. Oliver Wolcott to one of Washington's drawing-rooms. The General was present, and .came up and bowed to every lady after she was seated. Mrs. Binney visited Mrs. Washington frequently. It was Mrs. Washington's custom to return visits on the third day, and she thus always returned Mrs. Binney's. . . . . Mrs. Wallace met Mrs. Washington in her mother's parlor; her manners were very easy, pleasant, and uncere- monious, with the characteristics of other Virginia ladies." The compiler of this work (herself a great-grandniece of Mrs. Oliver Wolcott, wife of one of the signers of the Dec- laration of Independence), thinks this reminiscence must have become a little confused in the mind of Mrs. Wal- 246 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. lace, inasmuch as Mrs. "Washington, who was known to be very punctilious in returning a first call within the three days of grace prescribed by orthodox etiquette, could hardly have returned alL calls within that time. Philadel- phians were complained of in those days as neglecting the observance of many points of unwritten etiquette which are handed down in families from generation to generation. Mrs. John Adams, writing of the company which she met in Philadelphia, said, that although it was o?ihe best kind, there was an absence of attention to conventional rules, in striking contrast to the society in New York and Boston. Still another conflicting rule in " Social Etiquette" must be noticed, inasmuch as it has a tendency to make more difficult that simplifying of rules and observances so essen- tial to harmony of action in, as well as to the requirements of, a large society. The author of " Social Etiquette " gives it as an exist- ing rule of good society in New York, that the lady shall bow first, which rule has been nothing but a stumbling- block since it was first introduced into America, within the memory of the present generation. It has never been gen- erally adopted by members of our oldest families, or by men who feel secure of their position in society. It is in fact a rule which is utterly inimical to the best interests of social life, one which, if the sensible writer of " Social Etiquette " would look at in all its bearings (instead of from a point of protection from tie advances of pushing people), would be acknowledged by her to have no foothold in our neces- sities. It was made for a certain requirement of society in England, and still holds good for that one requirement there, and for no other. Ask a well bred Englishman if he waits for any lady, to whose house he has once been in- vited, or to whom he has once been properly introduced in exclusive society, to show her recognition of him first, and his liearty disclaimer will give a man the clue as to his REMARKS AND COMMENTS. 247 duties. The rule was made for introductions given at balls for the purpose of providing ladies with partners, and does not in any way bear upon introductions given among people in one's own class. On the Continent, under no circumstances does the lady speak first ; and American ladies, whose age or nearness of sight prevents them from being the first to recognize gentlemen who have been introduced to them, are grate- ful for a rule so well established, and would like to see it universally adopted here. Every woman has it in her power to drop a man whom she finds wanting in refinement ; but there are few wtio possess the gift of rec- ognizing all who have been introduced to them, when numerous introductions have been given in one evening, as sometimes happens at receptions, where acquaintances of the daughters and sons are for the first time the guests of the mother. The rule, to suit entirely our ways of life, should require the one who recognizes first to bow first, irrespective of sex or age. It is true that it is the duty of the young to recall themselves to their elders, but sometimes the elder may be the first to recognize, and any rule which prevents either from bowing first has not as yet imposed its tram- mels anywhere in the United States in our best society. We need no such barrier for our protection against the intrusive, and it does actual harm in keeping persons apart, who would have been glad to have dispensed with all unnecessary formalities in their intercourse with each other, had each been equally quick to recognize the other. Gentlemen have fancied that ladies to whom they had asked to be introduced did not wish their acquaintance, because these ladies failed to recognize them (meeting the next time), as they surely would have done had the gentle- men taken the initiatory in bowing. Consequently, as 248 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. American gentlemen do not consider the foreign rule binding of leaving a card upon a lady to whom they have had them- selves introduced, the acquaintance, which may have been mutually desired, drops, and the lady is robbed of the gratification which she naturally felt at first in finding that her acquaintance was sought. Pages written upon this sub- ject would not exhaust the evils arising from the observ- ance of this obnoxious rule, as foreign to the spirit of a republic as it is to the instincts of the wellbred. Only very young men will be likely to adopt it, although now and then those who are old enough to know better have allowed themselves to b.e perplexed by it. A lady always has it in her power to prevent a bowing acquaintance from making any further demand upon her, and this being admitted, no reason can be given why she should be made to bear all the odium of non-recognition. Though a quickness for remembering faces and names is considered one of the hall-marks of good breeding, it is an impossibility for those whose circles are widely ex- tended to remember all who have been introduced to them, unless, like kings and queens, they have some one at their shoulder to remind them ; while a gentleman cannot fail to recognize the. lady whom he has known well enough, by sight, to ask for an introduction to her. This mischievous rule, given in "Social Etiquette," should be disregarded everywhere in the United States by those who seek the fixity of society customs. The bow is the touchstone of good breeding, says a French writer, and it is given at the instant of recognition, without hesi- tation, by our best-bred men. We feel sure that the author of "Social Etiquette," had she written of what ought to be an actual law, and not of a partially adopted custom, would have lent the influence of her pen to show wherein this rule is antagonistic to refined instincts as REMARKS AND COMMENTS. 249 well as contrary to "the general customs of society at its best." Nor let any one think it too small a matter to engage the attention of the writer, nor the subject too un- important to employ an author's pen. The Bishop of Manchester, in one of his lectures, said : " There is a great cry at present about women's rights. I wish women to enjoy all the rights that belong to them, but I would remind them of the great maxim, Cest la Jemme qui fait les mceurs." Trivial as these disputed points of etiquette may seem to many, they must not forget that, as has already been said, attention to details is the true sign of a great mind, and that he who can, in necessity, consider the smallest, is the same man who can compass the largest subjects. Life is made up of details. The following quotations from "Social Etiquette," though not apropos to " Conflicting Points," reveal the spirit in which the able work has been penned : "Etiquette may be 'despotic, but its cruelty is inspired by intelligent kindliness. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagreeable, underbred people, who refuse to take the trouble to be civil. Those who defy the rules of the best society, and claim to be superior to them, are always coarse in their moral fibre, however strong they may be intellectually "Possibly, those vagrants, who scorn etiquette and refuse to take the white highroad of a refined civilization, do not possess those necessary aptitudes for imitation which are requisite for the easy acquirement of customs and for- malities which by birth are alien to them. Sneering is not unfrequently a thin and foolish veil by which they en- deavor to hide their lack of birth and breeding. If such undisciplined persons would only submit to custom, and use their best powers of adaptation, they would soon dis- cover that formality is as easy as a tune that sings itself in one's thoughts without a sound being heard." 250 SENSIBLE ETIQUETTE. CHAPTER YIII. DBESS — TOILET — MOUKNING. ' ' Women are censured for extravagance in dress and general expen- ditures. Ever since the fruit breakfast under the apple tree in the Garden of Eden, woman has been blamed for a good many things for which her direct responsibility is exceedingly doubtful. "Who malses woman extravagant? Who cultivates and inspires her luxurious tastes and proclivities 7 Who demands inexorably, that she shall be not only naturally lovely, but insists that she bo improved by the gentle processes of a generous sestheticism ? Of course no- body under the overspreading heavens but man. ' N'aurez jamais I'air d'un bourgeois,' is the male injunction, and woman dresses bo- cause men demand that she shall be dressed and dressed well, from the dainty leather which embraces her pretty little feet to the rose which nestles in the perfumed couch' of her hair. Do not blame women then for rushing into every extravagance of dress. She has a natural penchant for outward adornment, and the other sex has assiduously cultivated it. That it ruins thousands of men is an un- questionable fact, but they have themselves to blame, that is all." — Louisville Courier-Journal. " Eefinement of character is said never to be found with vulgarity of dress." " Never teach false morality. How exquisitely absurd to tell a girl that beauty is of no value, dress of no use. Beauty is of value ; her whole prospects and happiness in life may often depend upon a new gown or a becoming bonnet, and if she has five grains of common sense she will find this out. The great thing is to teach her their just value, and that there must be something better under the bonnet than a pretty face if she would have real and lasting happiness. But never sacrifice truth." — Sydney Smith. There are few subjects that so strongly appeal to the feminine mind as that of clothes, writes a journalist. It is a DRESS. 251 perpetually changing and ever-recurring theme. The lawns and the laces of summer, the velvets and the furs of winter, must, each in their turn, receive full attention. Any woman of any standing whatever finds that subject weigh heavily on her twice a year. The shape and the substance of her gar- ments become unto her a burden. Nor, when those gar- ments are purchased and have proved satisfactory, are her cares then at rest. For the toilet of a fashionable dame, aye, or of an unfashionable one, for the matter of that, re- quires a myriad of accessories. She must have cravats, and collars, and cuffs, and fans, and ribbons, and trinkets, and fanciful shoes, and still more fanciful stockings. She must have many-buttoned gloves, and many-strapped slip- pers. She must have bonnets and hats, chignons and shoe- buckles. And when all is said and done and bought, her heart may sink to rest for a brief six months. Now all this would be very well were every man a mil- lionaire, and every woman a society-woman. Then, be- tween a limitless purse on one side, and unlimited claims on the other, the business would be but right and proper. It is, however, unfortunately the fact that, in the United States, but too much attention is paid to dress by those who have neither the excuse of ample means nor of social claims. The wife of the bank clerk, or of the young busi- ness man just making a start in life, aims at dressing, if not as richly, at least as stylishly as does the wealthiest among her acquaintances. The sewing girl and the shop girl, nay even the chambermaid and the cook, must in their turn have flounced silk dresses and velvet cloaks for Sunday wear. Many a hard-working Irish girl expends her savings of months in the purchase of a Sunday silk, be- cause she does not wish to be less well-dressed than are her companions. We have known instances in which a Christmas gift of a dress pattern was refused because there 252 SBNSIBLK ETIQUETTE. was not enough in it to make a dress with a trimmed over- skirt, and a warm blanket shawl was left unworn because "it was not stylish." The injury done by this state of things to the morals and the manners of our lower classes is incalculable. And there is no use of any one house- keeper trying to stem the current. The evil is too univer- sal and too widespread to be combated single-handed. Any ardent reformer who will attempt the task will only find herself held up to general reprobation in the widespread world of servantism. Whatever may be the dress extravagances of Parisian womanhood, they are at least always appropriate. The elegante and the idler, the mondaine and the demi-mon- daine alone devote their souls to furbelows. The bour- geoise dame, in her plain, stout, stiff gown or well-preserved black silk, the servant in her trim alpaca or clean print, have no affinity with the laces and ribbons and gewgaws of those to whom indolence and wealth have accorded the right to wear them. Madame Millefleurs in Paris may hang her Worth dresses forever within full view of her maidservants without any one attempting to " cut a pat- tern " from them. But Mrs. Hauton, in New York, is very aipt to see Bridget and Dinah emerging from the area in a close copy of her last Paris suit, at the moment she walks out of the front door clad in the original. The United States has imported a great deal from France. French dresses, French gloves, French wines, French plays, aid to adorn our persons and to mould our morals. We wish that we could import as well some of the strong common-sense that they contrive to infuse into the details of daily life. We Americans are lavish, generous, and ostentatious. The wives of our wealthy men are glorious in garb as are princesses and queens. They have a right so to be. But when those who can ill afford to wear alpaca DRESS. 253 persist in arraying themselves in silk, because Mrs. So- an