t 
 
Frontzspuce l^oL.I. 
 
 riidlifliui ( >('/"-^t''!' i-jtjfi /;{' Ctiddi, 111,1 DonW^ ,?tr,md. 
 
THE 
 
 WORKS 
 
 OF 
 
 LAURENCE STERNE; 
 
 IN FOUR VOLUMES: 
 CONTAINING 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, GENT.; 
 
 A SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY 
 THROUGH FRANCE AND ITALY; 
 
 SERMONS,— LETTERS, S^c. 
 
 WITH 
 
 A LIFE OF THE AUTHOR, 
 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. 
 
 VOLUME THE FIRST. 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for J.Johnson ; T. Becket ; R. Baldwin ; A. Strahan; 
 W. Lowndes ; Wilrie & Robin son ; G.Robinson; Vernor, 
 Hood, & Sharpe ; J. Walker ; Cuthell & Martin ; Lackington, 
 Allen & Co. ; Longman, Hurst, Rfes, & Orme ; Cadell & 
 iDAviEs; J. Nunn ; R. Lea; Scatciierd & Letterman ; John 
 Richardson ; J. M. Richardson ; Black, Parry, & Kingsbury ; 
 J. Carpenter ; S. Bagster ; and, J. Asperne. 
 
 1 808. 
 
Digitized by tine Internet Archive 
 in 2014 
 
 https://archive.org/details/worksoflaurences01ster_0 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 H E Works of Mr. Sterne, after contending with the 
 prejudices of fome, and the ignorance of others, have 
 at length obtained that general approbation which they are 
 entitled to by their various, original, and intrinlic merits. 
 No writer of the prefent times can lay claim to fo many un- 
 borrowed excellencies. In none have wit, humour, fancy, 
 pathos, an unbounded knowledge of mankind, and a cor- 
 rect and elegant liyle, been fo happily united. Thefe pro- 
 perties, which render him the delight of every reader of 
 tafte, have furmounted all oppofition : — even Envy, Prudery^ 
 and Hypocrify are filent. 
 
 Time, which allots to each author his due portion of 
 fame, and admats a free difcuflion of his beauties and faults, 
 without favour and without partiality, hath done ample 
 juftice to the fuperior genius of Mr. Sterne. It hath fixed 
 his reputation as one of the firft writers in the EnglilTi lan- 
 guage, on the firmeft bafis, and advanced him to the rank 
 of a claffic. As fuch, it becomes a debt of gratitude to 
 collect; his fcattered performances into a complete edition, 
 with thofe embellifliments ufually beftowed on our moft 
 diftinguilhed authors. 
 
 This hath been attempted in the prefent edition, which 
 comprehends all the Works of Mr. Sterne, either made 
 public in his lifetime or fince his death. They are printed 
 from the beft and moft corre6l copies, with no other altera- 
 tions than what became neceffary from the corre(^.tion of 
 literal errors. The Letters are arranged according to their 
 feveral dates, as far as they can be difcovered; and a few 
 illuftrations added, to explain fome temporary circumftances 
 mentioned or alluded to in them. Thofe which are con- 
 felfediy fpurious, are rejefted ; and, that no credit may be 
 given to fuch as are of doubtful authority, it will be 
 proper to obferve, that the Letters numbered 129, 130, 131, 
 ^ave not thofe proofs of authenticity which the others 
 
 voj.. I. h poflefs. 
 
vi 
 
 ADVETtTISEMENt. 
 
 poffefs. They cannot however be pronounced forgeries with 
 fo much confidence as fome"^' which are difcarded from the 
 prefent edition may be, and therefore are retained in it. 
 
 That no part of the genuine works of Mr. Stern^ might 
 be omitted, his own account of himfelf and family is in- 
 ferted without variation. But as this appears to have been 
 a hafty compofition, intended only for the information of 
 his daughter, — a fmall number of fads and dates, by way of 
 notes, are added to it. Thefe, it is prefumed, will not be 
 confidered as improper additions. 
 
 It would be trefpaffing on the reader's patience, to detain 
 him any longer from the pleafure which thefe volumes will 
 aftbrd, by befpeaking his favour either for the author or 
 his works : — the former is out of the reach of cenfure or 
 praife; and the reputation of the latter is too well eftabliflied 
 to be either fupported or fliook by panegyric or criticifm. 
 To the tafie, therefore, the feelings, the good fenfe, and the 
 candour of the public, the prefent collection of Mr. Sterne's 
 Works may be fubmitted, Vv^thout the leaft apprehenfion 
 that the perufal of any part of them will be followed by 
 confequences unfavourable to the interefts of fociety. The 
 oftener they are read, the ftronger will a fenfe of univerfal 
 benevolence be impreffed on the mind; and the attentive 
 reader will fubfcribe to the character of the author given 
 by a comic writer, who declares he held him to be " a mora- 
 " lift in the nobleft fenfe ; he plays indeed with the fancy 
 " and fometimes, perhaps, too wantonly; but while he thus 
 " defignedly mafks his main attack, he comes at once 
 " upon the heart; refines, amends it, foftens it; beats down 
 " each felfifli barrier from about it, and opens every fluice 
 " of pity and benevolence." 
 
 * See the Preface to a Work publifhed in 1779, intituled, Letters 
 fuppofed to have been written by YoRicic to Eliza.*' 
 
MEMOIRS 
 
 OF THE 
 
 LIFE AND FAMILY 
 
 OF THE LATE 
 
 REV. MR. LAURENCE STERNE. 
 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. 
 
 In this face yon dilcover the arch, satirical Sterne, the shrewd and 
 exquisite observer, more limited ir. his object, but on that very account 
 more profound ; you discover hnn, I say, in the e3^es, in the space 
 which separates them, in the nose and the mouth, of this figure. 
 
 Lav\ter. 
 
MEMOIRS 
 
 LIFE AND F J MILT 
 
 OF THE LATE 
 
 Rev. Mr. LAURENCE STERNE, 
 
 WRITTEN BY HIMSELF. 
 
 Roger sterner (grandfon to Archbifhop Sterne) 
 Lieutenant in Handaiide's regiment, was married to 
 Agnes Hebert, widow of a Captain of a good family. Her 
 family name was {I believe) Nuttle ; — though, upon recol- 
 ledion, that was the name of her father-in-law, who was 
 
 • Mr. Sterne was defcended from a family of that name in Suffolk, 
 one of which fettled in Nottinghamftiire. The following genealogy is 
 extra61ed from Thorefby's Ducatus Leodinenfis, p. • 
 
 Simon Steune, of Mansfield. 
 
 J 
 
 Dr. Richard Sterne, 
 ArchbiOiop of York, 
 ob. June 1683. 
 
 Richard Stern<?, 
 of York and 
 Kilvinetoii, 
 Efq. 1700. 
 
 : Elizabeth, daughter 
 jf Mr. Dikinion, 
 ob. 167 . 
 
 Wilham Sterne, 
 of Mansfield. 
 
 |3 
 
 Siraun Sterne,— Mary, daughter and 
 
 of Elvington 
 and Halifax, 
 ob. 1703, 
 
 heirefs of Roger 
 Jaques, of Elvington, 
 near York, 
 
 Ricliard. 
 Kichard. 
 
 ilOG£K. 
 
 T 
 
 Jaques, ll. d. 
 ob. 175-9. 
 
 Mary, 
 
 .1^ 
 Elizabeth. 
 
 Frances, 
 
 LAURii^NCE STERNE. 
 
 The arms of the family, fays Guillam, in his Book of Heraldry, 
 p.. 77, are, Or, a chevron between three crolfes flory, fable. The creft, 
 on a wreath of his colours, a ftarling proper, 
 
 ^ Trifling circumftances are worthy of notice, when connedled with 
 ^ftinguilhed characters The arms of Mr. Sterna's family are no 
 otherwifc important than on account of the creft having afforded a hint 
 for one of the fineit llories in The Seiitimental JouTjney. See voL ii* 
 of the prefcftt cdHio^i ?• 378. 
 
 b 2 a j^oted 
 
viii 
 
 MEMOIKS OF THE LIFE 
 
 a noted futler in Flanders, in Queen iVnnc's wars, where 
 my father married his wife's daughter (N.jB. he was in debt 
 to him) which was on September 25, 1711, old ftyle.- — This 
 Nuttle had a fon by my grandmother, — a fine perfon of a 
 man, but a gracelefs whelp! — what became of him I know 
 not. — The family (if any left) live now at Clonmel, in the 
 fouth of Ireland; at which town I was born, November 24,. 
 1713, a few days after my mother arrived from Dunkirk. — 
 My birth-day was ominous to my poor father, who was, the 
 day of our arrival, with many other brave officers, broke, 
 and fent adrift into the wide world, with a wife and two 
 children ;— the elder of which was Mary. She was born nt 
 Lifle, in French Flanders, July 10, 171 2, new (lyle.—This 
 child was the moll unfortunate : — She married one Wee- 
 mans, in Dublin, — who ufed her moft iinraercifully ; — fpent 
 his fubftance, became a bankrupt, and left my poor lifter to 
 (hift for herfelf ; which flie was able to do but for a few 
 months, for iTie went to a friend's houfe in the country, and 
 died of a broken heart. She was a moft beautiful woman, — 
 of a line figure, and defer ved a better fate.^ — The regiment 
 in which my father ferved being broke, he left Ireland as foon 
 as I was able to be carried, with the reft of his family, and 
 came to the family feat at Elvington, near York, where his 
 mother lived. She was daughter to Sir Roger Jaques, and an 
 heirefs. There we fojourned for about ten months, when the 
 regiment was eftablifhed, and our houfhold decamped with 
 bag and baggage for Dublin. — Within a month of our arri- 
 val, my father left us, being ordered to Exeter ; where, in a 
 fa^ winter, my mother and her two children followed liihi, 
 travelling from Liverpool, by land, to Plymouth. — (Melan- 
 choly defcription of this journey, not neceffaiy to be trarif- 
 mitted here.) — In twelve months we were, all fent back to 
 Publin.— My mother, with three of us (for llie lay-in at 
 Plymouth of a boy, Joram) took ihip at Briftol, for Ireland^ 
 and had a narrow efcape from being caft away, by a leak 
 fpringing up in the velTel. — At length, after manjr perils 
 and itruggles, we got to Dublin. — ^There my father took k 
 large houfe, furniilied it, ^nd in a year and a half 's time fpcnt 
 13 a great 
 
or THE REV. MR. STERNE. 
 
 ^. great deal of money. — In the year one thoufand feven 
 hundred and nineteen, all unhinged again; the regiment 
 was oixlered, with many others, to the Ifle of Wight, in 
 order to embark for Spain in the Vigo expedition. We ac- 
 companied the regiment, and were driven into Milford 
 Haven, but landed atBriftol; from thence, by land, to Ply- 
 mouth again, and to the Ifle of Wight; — where, I remem- 
 ber, v»e itayed encamped fonie time before the embarkation 
 of the troops — (in this expedition^ from Briftol to Hamp- 
 lliire, vvc loft poor Joram,— -a pretty boy, four years old, of 
 the imall pox) my mother, fiftcr, and myfelf, rem.ained at 
 the Ifle of Wight during the Vigo expedition, and until the 
 regiuient had got back to Wicklow, in Ireland; from 
 whence my father fent for us. — We had poor Joram's lofs 
 fiipplied, during our ftay in the Ifle of Wight, by the birth of 
 a girl, Anne, born September the twenty-third, one thoufand 
 feven hundred and nineteen. — This pretty bloffbm fell at the 
 age of three years, in the barracks of Dublin : — She was, as 
 I Vvcll remember, of a fine delicate frame, not made to 
 ]aft long, — as were moft of my father's babes. — We em- 
 barked for Dublin, and had all been caft away by a moft 
 violent ftorm ; but thiough the interceffions of my mother, 
 the captain was prevailed upon to turn back into Wales, 
 where we flayed a month, and at. length got into Dublin, 
 and travelled by land to Wicklow^; whe;re my father had 
 for fome v/eeks given us over for loft. — We lived in the bar- 
 racks at Wicklow one year — (one tlioufand feven hundred 
 and twenty) when Devijeher (fo called after Colonel Devi- 
 jeher) was born; from thence we decamped to ftay half a 
 year with Mr. Fetherfton, a clergyman, about feven miles from 
 Wicklow; who being a relation of my mother's, invited us 
 to his parfonage at Animo. — "It was in this parifli, during 
 our ftay, that I had that wonderful efcape in falling through 
 ^a mill-race whilft the mill was going, and of being taken 
 up unhurt: the ftory^is incredible, but known for truth in 
 all that part of Ireland, w^here hundreds of the common 
 people flocked to fee me. From hence we followed the 
 Tegiment to Dublin, where we lay in the barracks a J^ear. 
 
 b3 In 
 
X 
 
 MEMOIRS OF THE LIFE 
 
 In this year (one thoufand feven hundred and twenty-one) 
 I learnt to write, &c. — The regiment ordered in twenty- 
 two, to Carrickfergiis, in the north of Ireland. We all 
 decamped; but got no further than Drogheda: — thence 
 ordered to Mullengar, forty miles weft, where, by Provi- 
 dence, we ftumbled upon a kind relation, a collateral de- 
 fcendant from Archbifhop Sterne, who took us all to his 
 caftle, and kindly entertained us for a year, and fent us to 
 the regiment at Carrickfergus, loaded with kindneffes, &c, 
 A moft rueful and tedious journey had we all (in March) 
 to CarrickferguS; where we arrived in fix or feven days. — 
 Little Devijeher here died; he was three years old : he had 
 been left behind at nurfe at a farm-houfe near Wicklow, 
 but was fetch'd to us by my father the fummer after : — 
 another child fent to fill his place, Sufan. This babe too 
 left us behind in this weary journey. The autumn of that 
 year, or the fpring afterwards (I forget which) my father 
 got leave of his colonel to fix me at fchool, — which he did 
 near Halifax, with an able mafter; with whom I ftayed 
 fom.e time, till by God's care of me, my coufin Sterne, of 
 Elvington, became a father to me, and lent me to the uni- 
 veifity, 8cc. &c. — To purfue the thread of our fl^ory, my 
 father's regiment was the year after ordered to London- 
 derry, where another fifter was brought forth, Catherine, 
 ftill living; but moft unhappily eftranged from me by my 
 uncle's wickednefs and her own folly. From this ftation 
 the regiment was fent to defend Gibraltar, at the fiege, 
 where my father was run through the body by Captain Phil- 
 lips, in a duel (the quarrel began about a goofe!): with 
 much difficulty, he furvived, though with an impaired et)n- 
 ftitution, which was not abie to withftand the hardfiiips it 
 was })ut to; for he was fent to Jamaica, where he foon fell 
 by the country fever, which took away his fenfes firlt, ahd 
 made a child of him ; and then, in a month or two, walk- 
 mg about continually without complaining, till the mo- 
 ment he fat down in an arm-chair, and breathed his laft, 
 which was at Port Antonio, on the north of the ifland. My 
 father was a little fmart man, aftive to the lafl: degree in 
 4 all 
 
OF THE REV. MR. STERNE. 
 
 all exercilbs, moft patient of fatigue and difappointmeiit*;, 
 of which itplcafed God to give him fullmeafnre. He was, 
 in liis temper, fomewhat rapid and hafty, but of a kindly, 
 fwoet difpofition, void of all defign; and fo irmocent in his 
 own intentions, that he fufpefted no one; fo that you might 
 Iiave cheated him ten times in a day, if nine had not been 
 liifficient for your purpofe. My poor father died in March 
 1731. I remained at Halifax lill about the latter end of 
 tliat year, and cannot omit mentioning this anecdote of 
 niyfeif and fchoolmafter: — He had the ceiling of the 
 fchool-room new white-waflied; — the ladder remained 
 there : I one unlucky day mounted it, and wrote with a 
 brufli, in large capital letters, LAIJ. STERNE, for which 
 the uflier feverely whipped me. M}' mafier was very much 
 hurt at this, and faid, before me, that never Ihould that name 
 be effaced, for I was a boy of genius, and he was fure I, 
 fliould come to preferment. — -This exprelfion made me for- 
 get the firipes I had received. — In the year thirty-two* 
 my coufin fent me to the univerfity, where I ftaid fome 
 thne. 'Twas there that I commenced a friendfliip with Mr. 
 
 H , which has been laiiing on both fides. — I then came 
 
 to York, and my uncle got me the living of Sutton: and at 
 York, I became acquainted with your mother, and courted 
 her for two years: — (lie owned fhe liked me; but thought 
 herfelfnot rich enough, or me too poor, to be joined together. 
 
 —She went to her fifter s in S ; and I wrote to her 
 
 often. — I believe then fhe was partly determined to have 
 me, but would not fay fo. — At her return flie fell into a 
 confumption ; — and one evening that I was fitting by her^ 
 with an almolt broken heart to fee her fo ill, file faid, " My 
 dear Laurey, I can never be yours, for I verily believe I 
 have not long to liveJ but 1 have left you every fliilling 
 of my fortune." — Upon that Ihe fliewed me her will. — 
 
 * He was admitted of Jefus^' Gollege, in the univerfity of Cam- 
 bridge, 6th July 1733, uudei the tuition of Mr. Cannon, 
 Matriculated 29th March 1735. 
 Adiiiitted to the degree of K. A. in January 1736. 
 Admitted M. A. at the cjonimencement of 1740, 
 
 b 4 This 
 
xii 
 
 MEMOIRS OF THE LIVE 
 
 This generofity overpowered me. — It pleafed God that (lie 
 recovered, and I married her in the year 1741 . My micle 
 and myfelf were then upon very good terms ; for he foou 
 got me the Prebendary of York : — but he quarrelled with me 
 afterwards, becaufe I would not write paragraphs in the 
 nevvs-papers : — though he was a party-man, I was not, and 
 detefted fuch dirty work : thinking it beneath me. From that 
 period he became my bittereft enemy f. — By my wife's 
 means I got the living of Stillington : a friend of hers in 
 the fouth had promifedher, that, if (lie married a clergyman 
 in Yorkdiire, — when the living became vacant, he would 
 make her a compliment of it. I remained near tvvcnty years 
 at Sutton, doing duty at both places. I had then very good 
 health. Books, J painting, fiddling, and fliooting, were my 
 amufements. As to the Squire of the parifli, I cannot fay 
 we were upon a very friendly footing: but at Stillington, the 
 
 family of the C s (hewed us every kindnefs : 'twas moft 
 
 truly agreeable to be within a mile and a half of an amia- 
 ble family, who were ever cordial friends. — In the year 
 1760, I took a houfe at York for jom mother and your- 
 felf, and went up to London to pubiifli^ my two firlt vo- 
 lumes of Shandy ||. la that year Lord Falconbridge pre- 
 feuted me with the curacy of Coxwold: — a fvveet retire- 
 ment 
 
 * Jaqucs Sterne, LL.D. He was Prebendary of Durham, Canon 
 Refidentiary, Precentor and Prebendajy of York, Rector of Rife, and 
 Re6lor of Hornfea cum Rifton. both in the Eail Riding of the county 
 of York. He died June 9th, 1759. ' 
 
 t It hath, however, been infinuated, that he for fome time wrote 
 a periodical eledioneering paper at York, in defence of the whig in- 
 terelh — Monthly Re^vie'vjy vol. 53, p. 341. ^ 
 
 X A fpecimen of Mr. Sterne's abilities in the art of defigning, may 
 be feen in Mr. Wodhurs poems, 8vo. 1772. 
 
 § The firft edition was printed in the preceding year at York. 
 
 II The following is the order in which Mr. Sterne's publications ap- 
 peared : — 
 
 1 747-. The Cafe of Elijah and the Widow of Zerephath confidered. 
 A Charity Sermon preached on Good Friday, April 17, 1747, for tlie 
 fupport of two charity-fchools in York. 
 
 1750. The Abufes of Confcience. Set forth in a Sermon preached 
 in the cathedral church of St. Peter, York, at the fummer affizes, before 
 the Hon. Mr. Baron Clive, and the Hen. Mr. Baron Smythe, on Sun- 
 day, July 29, 1750. 
 
 I7S9' 
 
OF THE REV. 
 
 MR. STERNE. 
 
 xiii 
 
 ment in comparifon of Sutton. In fixty-two, I went to 
 France before the peace was concluded; and you both fol- 
 lowed me. I left you both in France, and in two years 
 after, I went to Italy for the recovery of my health ; and, 
 when I called upon you, I tried to engage your mother to 
 return to England with me: ilie=^ and yourfelf are at length 
 come, and I have had the incxpreffible joy of feeing my 
 ^irl every thing I wiflied her. ^ 
 
 / liave fd down thefe particulars relating to my family 
 and filf for mif Lydia, in cafe hereafter fhe might have a 
 curiofity, or a kinder motive, to knozt) them, 
 
 AS Mr. Sterne, in the foregoing narrative, hath brought 
 down the account of himfelf until within a few months of 
 his death, it remains only to mention that he left York about 
 the end of the year 1767, and ciimQ to London, in order to 
 publiih The Sentimental Journey, which he had written dur- 
 ing the preceding fummer at his favourite living of Cox- 
 woid. His health had been for fome time declining; but 
 he vxmliinied to vifit his friends, and retained his ufual 
 flow of i'pirits. In February, 1768, he began to perceive 
 live aj)proaches of death ; and with tlie concern of a good 
 man and the folicitude of an alfeftionate parent, devoted 
 liis attention to the future welfare of his daughter. His 
 ietters, at this period, refled fo much credit on hig (>ha- 
 raster, that it is to be lamented fome others in the collec- 
 tion were permitted to fee the light. After a fliort ftruggle 
 with Lis diforder, his debilitated and Vv orn-out frame fub- 
 
 mitte4\ 
 
 8759. Vol. I and 2 of Triilram Shandy. 
 
 1760. Vol. I and 2 of Sermons. 
 
 1 761. Vol. 3 and 4 of Triftram Shandy. 
 
 1762. Vol. 5 and 6 of Triftram Shandy. 
 
 1765. Vol. 7 and 8 of Triftram Shandy. 
 
 1766. Vol. 3, 4, 5, and 6. of Sermons. 
 
 1767. Vol. g. of Trijtrani Shandy. 
 
 1768. The Sentimental Journey. 
 
 The remainder of his works were publiflied after his death. 
 * From this pafiageit appears that the prefent account of Mr. Sterne's 
 Life and Family were written about fix months only before his death. 
 
ME^^IOTRS OF THE LlYXu, &C. 
 
 mitted to fate on the iSth day of March 1768, at his lodg- 
 ings in Bond-ftieet. He was buried at the new burying- 
 ground belonging to the paridi of St. George, Hanover- 
 fquare, on the 22d of the fame months in the moft private 
 manner ; and hath fmce been indebted to Grangers for a 
 Bionnmcnt very unworthy of his menior}'; on which the 
 follcrwing lines are infcribed : — 
 
 ^' Near to this Place 
 Lies the Body of 
 The Reverend Laurence Sterne, a.m. _ 
 Died September 1 3th, 1 768 
 Aged 53 Years. 
 
 j4h! 7noUiter o(ja (pdefcant. 
 
 If a found Head, w^arm Heart, and Breaft humane, 
 Unfullied Worth, and Soul without a Stain; 
 If Mental Pow'rs covdd ever juftly claim 
 The well-won Tribute of immortal Fame, 
 Sterne was the Man, who, with gigantic Stride, 
 Mow'd down luxuriant Follies far and wide. 
 Yet what tho' kecnett Knowledge of jVIankind 
 Mnfeardto him the fprings that move the Mind, 
 What did it coft him? — RidicuFd, abus'd, 
 By fools infultcd, and by Prudes accused! — 
 In liis, mild Reader, view thy future Fate; 
 Like him, defpife what 'twere a Sin to hate. 
 
 This juonumental Stone was eroded by two brother 
 niafons; for, though he did not live to be a member of their 
 fociety, yet, as his all-incomparable performances evidently 
 prove liiiri to have ac'^ted by rule and fquare, they rejoice in 
 this opportrt'iity of perpetuating his high and irreproachable 
 chanierer to aficr-ages. W. & S." 
 
 * It is fcarcely nccer aiy to obfervej that this date is erroneous. 
 
IN MEMORY OF 
 
 Mr. S T E R N E, 
 
 AUTHOIi OF THE 
 
 SENTIMENTAL JOURNEY. 
 
 XH wit, and genuine humour, to difpel, 
 From the defponding bofom, gloomy care, 
 And bid the gufliing tear, at the fad tale 
 Of haplefs love or filial grief to flow 
 From the full fympathifmg heart, were thine; 
 Thefe powers, O Sterne! but now thy fate demands 
 (No plumage nodding o'er the emblazoned hearfe 
 Proclaiming honour where no virtue flione) 
 But the fad tribute of a heart-felt figh : 
 What tho' no taper caft its deadly ray, 
 Nor the full choir fmg requiems o'er thy tomb, 
 The humbler grief of friendfhip is not mute; 
 And poor Maria, with her faithful kid, 
 Her auburn treflfes carelefsly entwin'd 
 With olive foliage, at the clofe of day. 
 Shall chant her plaintive vefpers at thy grave. 
 Thy fliade too, gentle Monk, 'n:iid awful night. 
 Shall pour libations from its friendly eye; 
 For erft his fvveet benevolence beftow'd 
 Its generous pity, and bedew'd with tears 
 The fod, whiph rcfted on thy aged breaft. 
 
A 
 
 CIIAIIACTEII AND EULOGIUM 
 
 OF 
 
 STEHNE, AND HIS WRITINGS; 
 
 IN A 
 
 FAMILIAR EPISTLE FKOrvI A GENTLEMAN IX IRELAISD 
 TO lUS FRIEND. 
 
 [VV^rittea in the Year 1760.] 
 
 What trifle comes next? — Spare the cenfrre, piy friend. 
 This letters no more from heginuing to end: 
 Yet, when you confider (your laughter, pray ftifle) 
 The advantage, the inipoTtance, the ufe of a trifle- 
 When you think too belide— and there's nothing more 
 cleai' — 
 
 That pence compofe millions, and moments the year; 
 You furcly will grant me, nor think tliat I jell, 
 That life's but a feries of trifles at belt. 
 
 How widely digreffive! yet could I, O Steene 
 Digrefs with thy ikill, with thy freedom return! 
 
 * The late reverend Laurence Sterne, A. M. &c. Author of that 
 truly original, humorous, heteroclite work, called. The Life and 
 Opinions of Triflram Shandy, of a Sentimental Journey through France 
 sr.d Italy (vv'hich, alas ! he did not live to finiili), and of fome volumes 
 of Sermons. Of his TkiU in delineating and fupporting his ch:ira8ers, 
 thofe of the father of his hero, of his uncle T'oby, and of corporal Trim 
 (out of nuniberlefs others), afford ample proof: To his power in the 
 pathetic, whoever fliall read the llories of Le Fe-vre, M^ria, the Monk^ 
 and the Dead Afs, mull-, if he has feelings, bear fufncient teitimenyj and 
 his SermoTJS throughout (though fometimes, perhaps, chargeable with a 
 levity not entirely becoming; the pulpit) breathe the kindeft fpirit of 
 
 Philanthropy^ 
 
[ xvii ] 
 
 The vain wifli I reprefs — Poor Yorick! no mom 
 Shall thv muth and thy jells " let the table on a roar;"' 
 I^o more thy lad tale, with fimplicity told, 
 O er each feeling breaft its ftrong influence hold, 
 From the wile and the brave call forth lympathy's figh. 
 Or fwell with fweet anguiih humanity's eye : 
 Here and there in a page if a blemifli appear, 
 (And what page, or what life, from a blemifli is clear?) 
 Tkim and Toby with foft interceffion attend; 
 Le Fkvue intreats you to pardon his friend; 
 Maria too pleads for her iav'rite diftrefs'd, 
 As you feel for her forrows, O grant her requeft ! 
 Should theie advocates fail, Fve another to call, 
 One tear of his monk fiiall obliterate all, 
 Favourd pupil of Nature and Fancy, of yore, 
 Whom from Humour's embrace fweet Philanthropy l>cre^ 
 While the Graces and Loves fcatter flowers on thy urn, 
 And Wit weeps the bloflbm too haftily torn ; 
 This meed too, kind Spirit, unoflended receive 
 From a youth next to Shakespeare's who honours thy 
 grave ! 
 
 FhUanthropy, of good-<ivill towards man* For the few exceptional paits 
 of his works, thofe final 1 blemiilies 
 
 S^aas aut incuria fudit 
 Aut humana parum cavit natura — 
 fuffer them, kind critic, to reft with his aflies ! 
 
 The above eulogium will, I doubt not, appear to you (and perhaps 
 alfo to many others) much too high for the literary character of 
 Stern E 5 I have not at pre fent either leifure or inclination to enter \i\t<s 
 argument upon the queftionj but, in truth, I conlider myfelf as largely 
 his debtor for the tears and the laughter he fo frequently excited, and 
 was defirous to leave behind me (for fo long at leall as this trifle lhali 
 remain) fome fmall memorial of my gratitude; I will even add, that 
 ^hhough I regard the memory of Shakefpeare with a veneration littk 
 lliort of idolatry, I efteem the Monk's horn-box a relick as devoutly 
 to be wilhed," as a pipe-ltopper, a walking-Hick, or even an ink-Hanti 
 4>f the mulbirrj-tree. 
 
TO 
 
 THE RIGHT HON. Mr. PITT. 
 
 SIR, 
 
 Never poor wight of a Dedicator had lefs hopes 
 from his Dedication than I have from this of mine; for it 
 is written in a bye-corner of the kingdom, and in a retir'd 
 thatch'd houfe^ where I live in a conltant endeavour to fence 
 againft the infirmities of ill health, and other evils of life, by 
 Mirth; being firmly perfuaded, that every time a man 
 fmiles, — bat much more fo v/hcn he laughs,— it adds fome- 
 thing to this Fragment of Life. 
 
 I humbly beg. Sir, that you will honour this Book, by 
 taking it — (not under your Protecfion, — it muft protecl 
 itfelf, but) — into the country with you; where, if I am ever 
 told it has made you fmile; or can conceive it has beguiled 
 you of one moment's pain, — I fhall think myfelf as happy 
 
 as a Minifier of State; perhaps, much happier than any 
 
 one (one only excepted) that I have read or h<^ard of. 
 
 I am, GREAT SIR, 
 
 (and, what is more to your Honour) 
 I am, GOOD SIR, 
 your Weil-wiflier and 
 .moft humble Fellow-iubject, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent, 
 
 CHAP. 1» 
 
 I WISH either my father or my mother, or in- 
 deed both of them, as they were in duty both 
 equally bound to it, had minded what they were 
 about when they begot me ; had they duly con« 
 fider d how much depended upon what they were 
 then doing;— that not only the produ6lion of a 
 rational Being was concerned in it, but that poffibly 
 the happy formation and temperature of his body, 
 perhaps his genius and the very caft of his mind ; 
 - — and, for aught they knew to the contrary, even 
 the fortunes of his whole houfe, might take their 
 turn from the humours and difpofitions which were 
 then uppermoft Had they duly weighed and 
 confidered all this, and proceeded accordingly, — ► 
 I am verily perfuaded I fhould have made a quite 
 different figure in the world, from that in w hich the 
 VOL, I. B reader 
 
2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 reader is likely to fee me. — Believe me, good folks, 
 this is not fo inconfiderable a thing as many of you 
 may think it ; — you have all, I dare fay, heard of 
 the animal fpirits, as how they are transfufed from 
 father to fon, &c. &c. — and a great deal to that 
 purpofe : — Well, you may take my word, that nine 
 parts in ten of a man's fenfe or his nonfenfe, his 
 fuccelTes and mifcarriages in this world, depend 
 upon their motions and activity, and the different 
 tracks and trains you put them into, fo that when 
 they are once fet a-going, whether right or wrong, 
 'tis not a halfpenny matter, — away they go clut- 
 tering like hey-go mad ; and by treading the fame 
 fteps over and over again, they prefently make a 
 road of it, as plain and as fmooth as a garden walk, 
 w^hich, w^hen they are once ufed to, the Devil him- 
 felf fometimes lhail not be able to drive them 
 off it. 
 
 Pray^ my dear^ quoth my mother, have you not 
 
 forgot to wind up the clock? Good G — / cried 
 
 my father, making an exclamation, but taking care 
 
 to moderate his voice at the fame time, Did 
 
 ever woman^ Jince the creation of the worlds interrupt 
 €1 man with fuch a filly quejiion ? Pray, what was^ 
 your father faying? — ^ - Nothing. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 THEN, pofitively, there is nothing in the 
 
 queftion that I can fee, either good or bad. — — • 
 Then, let me tell you. Sir, it was a very unfeafonable 
 queftion at leatt, — becaufe it fcattered and dif- 
 
 perfed 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 3 
 
 perfed the animal fpirits, whofe bufmefs it was to 
 have elcorted and gone hand in hand with the 
 HOMUNCULUS, and conduded him fafe to the 
 place deftined for his reception. 
 
 The HoMUNCULUS, Sir, in however low and lu- 
 dicrous a light he may appear, in this age of le- 
 vity, to the eye of folly or prejudice ; — to the eye 
 of reafon in fcientifick refearch, he ftands confefs'd 
 ' — a Being guarded and circumfcribed with rights 
 
 The minuteft philofophers, who, by the bye, 
 
 have the moft enlarged underftandings, (their fouls 
 being inverfely as their enquiries) fhew us inconteft- 
 ably, that the Homunculus is created by the fame 
 hand, — engender'd in the fame courfe of nature, 
 — ^endow'd with the fame loco-motive powders and 
 faculties with us : — That he confifts as we do, of fkin, 
 hair, fat, flelh, veins, arteries, ligaments, nerves, 
 cartilages, bones, marrow, brains, glands, genitals, ^ 
 humours, and articulations ; — -is a Being of as 
 much aftivity,- — and, in all fenfes of the word, as 
 much and as truly our fellow-creature as my Lord 
 Chancellor of England. — He may be benefited,— 
 he may be injured, — he may obtain redrefs ; in a 
 ^vord, he has all the claims and rights of humanity, 
 which TuUy, Puffendorf, or the beft ethic wTiters 
 allow to arife out of that ftate and relation. 
 
 Now, dear Sir, what if any accident had befallen 
 him in his way alone ! — -or that through terror of it^, 
 natural to fo young a traveller, my little Gentle- 
 man had got to his journey s end miferably fpent ; — - 
 his mufcular itreogth and virility w^orn down to a 
 tliread his own animal fpirits ruffled beyond de- 
 
 B 2 , ^ fcription^— 
 
4 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 fcription,— and that in this fad diforder'd fiate of 
 nerves, he had lain down a prey to fudden ftarts, 
 or a feries of melancholy dreams and fancies, for 
 nine long, long months together. — I tremble to 
 think what a foundation had been laid for a thou- 
 fand weaknefles both of body and mind, w^iich no 
 Ikill of the phyfician or the philofopher could ever 
 aftergu ards have fet thoroughly to rights. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 TO my uncle, Mr. Toby Shandy, do I ftand 
 indebted for the preceding anecdote, to whom my 
 father, who was an excellent natural philofopher, 
 and much given to clofe reafoning upon the fmallelt 
 matters, had oft, and heavily complained of the 
 injury ; but once more particularly, as my uncle 
 Toby w^ell remember'd, upon his obferving a moft 
 unaccountable obliquity, (as he call'd it) in my 
 manner of fetting up my top, and juftifying the 
 principles upon which I had done it, — the old gen- 
 tleman fliook his head, and in a tone more expreffive 
 by half of forrow^ than reproach,— he faid his heart 
 all along foreboded, and he faw it verified in this, 
 and from a thouland other obfervations be had made 
 upon me. That I fhould neither think nor afit like 
 any other man's child : — But^ alas! continued he, 
 iliaking his head a fecond time, and wiping away 
 a tear which was trickling down his cheeks, My 
 Trifirani s misfortunes began nme months before ever 
 he came into the world. 
 
' X)F TRISTRAM SHANDY, 5 
 
 —My mother, who was fitting by, look'd up, but 
 llie knew no more than her backfide what my 
 father meant, — but my uncle, Mr. Toby Shandy, 
 who had been often informed of the affair, — m> 
 derftood him very well. 
 
 CHAP. IV, 
 
 I KNOW there are readers in the world, as well 
 as many other good people in it, who are no readers 
 at all, — who find themfelves ill at eafe, unlefs they 
 are let into the whole fecret from firft to laft, of 
 every thing which concerns you. 
 
 It is in pure compliance with this humour of 
 theirs, and from a backwardnefs in my nature to 
 difappoint any one foul living, that I have been fo 
 very particular already. As my life and opinions 
 are likely to make fome noife in the world, and, if I 
 conjeSlure right, will take in all ranks, profeffions, 
 and denominations of men whatever, — be no lefs 
 read than the Pilgrim's Progrefs itfelf — and, in the 
 end, prove the very thing which Montaigne dreaded 
 his ElTays ftiould turn out, that is, a book for a 
 parlour- window ; — I find it neceffary to confult 
 every one a little in his turn ; and therefore muft 
 beg pardon for going on a little farther in the fame 
 way : for which caufe, right glad I am, that I have 
 begun the hiftory of myfelf in the way I have done; 
 and that I am able to go on, tracing every thing in 
 it, as Horace fays, ai? ovo. 
 
 Horace, I know, does not recommend this fafhion 
 altogether : But that gentleman is fpeaking only of 
 
 B 3 an 
 
6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 an epic poem or a tragedy — (I forget which) ; — 
 befides. if it was not fo, I fliould beg Mr. Horace s 
 pardon; — for in writing what I have fet about, I 
 ftiall confine myfelf neither to his rules, nor to any 
 man's rules that ever lived. 
 
 To fuch however as do not choofe to go fo far 
 back into thefe things, I can give no better advice 
 than that they fkip over the remaining part of this 
 chapter; for I declare beforehand, 'tis wrote only 
 for the curious and inquifitive. 
 
 Shut the door. 1 Avas begot 
 
 in the night betwixt the firft Sunday and the firft 
 Monday in the month of March, in the year of our 
 Lord one tlioufand feven hundred and eighteen. I 
 am pofitive 1 was.^ — But how 1 came to be fo very 
 particular in my account of a thing which happened 
 before I was born, is owing to another fmall anec- 
 dote known only in our own family, but now made 
 public for the better clearing up this point. 
 
 My father, you muft know, who was originally a 
 Turkey merchant, but had left off bufinefs for fome 
 years, in order to retire to, and die upon, his pa- 
 
 . ternal eftate in the county of ,was, I believe, 
 
 one of the moft regular men in every thing he did, 
 whether 'twas matter of bufinefs, or matter of 
 amufement, that ever lived. As a fmall fpecimen 
 of this extreme exaClnefs of his, to which he was 
 in truth a flave, he had made it a rule for m^any 
 years of his life, — on the firft Sunday niglit of every 
 month throughout tiie whole year, — as certain as 
 
 ever the Sunday night came, to wind up a large 
 
 houfe-clock, which we had ftanding on the back 
 
 ftairs 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. ^ 
 
 ftairs head, with his own hands : — And being fome- 
 w;here between fifty and fixty years of age at the 
 time I have been fpeaking of, — he had hkewife 
 gradually brought fome other little family copcern- 
 ments to the fame period, in order, as he would 
 often fay to my uncle Toby, to get them all out of 
 the .way at one time, and be no more plagued and 
 peftered with them the reft of the month. 
 
 It was attended but with one misfortune, which, 
 in a great meafure, fell upon myfelf, and the effefils 
 of which, I fear, I fliall carr}^ with me to my grave; 
 namely, that from an unhappy aflbciation of ideas, 
 which have no connection in nature, it fo fell out at 
 length, that my poor mother could never hear the 
 
 faid clock wound up, but the thoughts of fome 
 
 other things unavoidably popped into her head — 
 
 & vice verjd: which ftrange combination oi 
 
 idea§, the fagacious Locke, who certainly underftood 
 the nature of thefe things better than moft men, 
 affirms to have produced more wry anions than all 
 other fources of prejudice whatfoever. 
 
 But this by the bye. 
 
 Now it appears by a memorandum in my father's 
 pocket-book, which now lies upon the table, That 
 on Lady-day, which was on the 25th of the fame 
 
 month in which I date my geniture, my father 
 
 fet out upon his journey to London, with my eldefi: 
 brother Bobby, to fix him at Weftminfter fchool 
 and, as it appears from the fame authority, " That 
 he did not get down to his wife and family till the 
 Jecond week in May following," — it brings the thing 
 almoft to a certainty. However, what follow^s in 
 
 B 4 the 
 
8 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the beginning of the next chapter, puts it beyond 
 all poffibility of doubt. 
 
 But pray^ Sir, What was your father 
 
 doing all December, January, and February ? 
 
 Why, Madam, — he was all that time affli6led with 
 a Sciatica. 
 
 C HAP. V. 
 
 ON the fifth day of November 1718, which, to 
 the asra fixed on, was as near nine kalendar months 
 as any hufiband could in'reafon have expefted, — 
 was I Triftram Shandy, Gentleman, brought forth 
 into this fcurvy and difaftrous world of ours. — — 
 I wifli I had been born in the Moon, or in any of 
 the planets (except Jupiter or Saturn, becaufe I 
 never could bear cold weather) for it could not well 
 have fared worfe with me in any of them (though 
 I will not anfwer for Venus) than it has in this vile, 
 dirty planet of ours, — which o' my confcience, with 
 reverence be it Ipoken, I take to be made up of the 
 
 fhreds and clippings of the reft; not but the 
 
 planet is well enough, provided a man could be born 
 in it to a great title or to a great eftate ; or could 
 any how contrive to be called up to public charges, 
 
 and employments of dignity or power ; but that 
 
 is not my cafe ; and therefore every man will 
 
 Ipeak of the fair as his own market has gone in it ; 
 
 for which caufe I affirm it over ao;ain to be 
 
 one of the vileft worlds that ever was made ; — for 
 I can truly fay, that from the firft hour I drew my 
 
 breath 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. g 
 
 breath in it^ to this, that I can now fcarce draw it 
 at all, for an afthma I got in fcating againft the 
 wind in Flanders; — I have been the continual fport 
 of what the world calls Fortune; and though I will 
 not wrong her by faying, She has ever made me 
 
 feel the weight of any great or fignal evil ; yet 
 
 with all the good temper in the world I afBrm it 
 of her, that in every ftage of my life, and at every 
 turn and corner where Ihe could get fairly at me, 
 the ungracious duchefs has pelted me with a fet of 
 as pitiful mifadventures and crofs accidents as ever 
 fmall Hero filftained. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 IN the beginning of the laft chapter, I informed 
 you exaftly when I was born ; but I did not inform 
 you how. No ; that particular was referved en- 
 tirely for a chapter by itfelf ;— befides. Sir, as you 
 and I are in a manner perfect ftrangers to each 
 other, it would not- have been proper to have let 
 you into too many circumftances relating to myfelf 
 all at once. — You muft have a little patience. I 
 have undertaken, you fee, to write not only my life, 
 but my opinions alfo ; hoping and expelling that 
 your knowledge of my character, and of what kind 
 of a mortal I arn, by the one, woidd give you a 
 better relifli for the other : As you proceed farther 
 with me, the flight acquaintance, which is now be- 
 ginning betwixt us, will grow into familiarity ; and 
 that, unlefs one of us is in fault, will terminate in 
 
 . friendtliip. 
 
10 
 
 THE LIFE AND GPIK-IONS 
 
 friendftiip. — O diem fraclarum ! — then nothing 
 which has touched me will be thought trifling in its 
 nature, or tedious in its telling. Therefore, my 
 dear friend and companion, if you fliould think me 
 fomewhat fparing of my narrative on my firft fetting 
 out — bear with me, — and let me go on, and tell 
 my ftory my own way : — Or, if I fhould feem now 
 and then to trifle upon the road, — or fliould fome- 
 times put on a fool's cap with a bell to it, for a 
 moment or two as we pais along, — don't fly off, — 
 but rather courteoufly give me credit for a little more 
 wifdom than appears upon my outfide ; — and as we 
 jog on, either laugh with me, or at me, or in fliort 
 do any thing, — only keep your temper. 
 
 C HAP. VIT. 
 
 IN the fame village where m.y father and my 
 mother dwelt, dwelt alfo a thin, upright, motherly, 
 notable, good old body of a midwife, who with the 
 help of a little plain good fenfe, and fome years full 
 employment in her bufinefs, in which flie had all 
 along trufted little to hqr own eflforts, and a great 
 deal to thofe of dame Nature, — had acquired, in 
 her way, no fmall degree of reputation in the 
 
 world : by which word world, need I in this 
 
 place inform your worfliip, that I would be un- 
 derftood to mean no more of it, than a fmall 
 circle defcribed upon the circle of the great world, 
 of four Englifh miles diameter, or thereabouts, of 
 which the cottage where the good old w oman lived 
 
 is 
 
OF TRISTflAM SHANDY. 11 
 
 is fuppofed to be the centre ? — She had been left it 
 feems a widow in great diftrefs, Avith three or four 
 fmall children, in her forty-feventh year ; and as 
 Ihe was at that time a perfou of decent carriage, 
 • — grave deportment, — a w^oman morever of few 
 w^ords and withal an object of compaffion, whofe 
 diftrefs, and filence under it, called out the louder 
 for a friendly lift : the wife of the parfon of the 
 parifli was touched with pity ; and having often 
 lamented an inconvenience to which her hulband's 
 flock had for many years been expofed, inafmuch 
 as there was no luch thing as a midwife, of any 
 kind or degree, to be got at, let the cafe have been 
 ever fo urjLfent, within lefs than fix or feven long 
 miles riding ; which faid feven long miles in dark 
 nights and difmal roads, the country thereabouts 
 being nothing but a deep clay, was almoft equal to 
 fourteen ; and that in effe6l, was fometimes next to 
 having no midwife at all ; it came into her head, 
 that it would be doing as feafonable a kindnefs to 
 the whole parifh, as to the poor creature herfelf, 
 to get her a little inftrufited in fome of the plain 
 principles of the bufmefs, in order to fet her up in 
 it. As no woman thereabouts w as better qualified 
 to execute the plan Ihe had formed than herfelf, 
 the gentlewoman very charitably undertook it ; and 
 having great influence over the female part of the 
 parifli, ihe found no difficulty in effefting it to the 
 utmoft of her wiflies. In truth, the parfon join'd 
 his intereft with his wife's in the whole afl'air ; and 
 in order to do things as they fliould be, and give the 
 poor foul as good a title by law to practife, as his 
 
 wife 
 
12 THE LIFE AND OPIXIOXS 
 
 wife had given by inftitution,~he cheerfully paid 
 the fees for the ordinary's Ucence himfelf^ amounting 
 in the whole, to the fum of eighteen fhillings and 
 four pence ; fo that betwixt them both, the good 
 w^oman was fully invefted in the real and corpoi'al 
 pofleflion of her office, together with all its rights, 
 members^ and appurtenances whatjoever. 
 
 Thefe laft words, you muft' know, were not ac- 
 cording to the old form in which fuch licences, fa- 
 culties, and powers ufually ran, which in like cafes 
 had heretofore been granted to the fifterhood. But 
 it was according to a neat formula of Didius his 
 ow^n devifing, who having a particular turn for 
 taking to pieces, and new framing over again, all 
 kind of inftruments in that w^ay, not only hit upon 
 this dainty amendment, but coaxed many of the 
 old licenfed matrons in the neighbourhood, to open 
 their faculties afrefti, in order to have this w^him- 
 wham of his inferted. 
 
 I own I never could envy Didius in thefe kinds 
 of fancies of his : — but every man to his own tafte. 
 Did not Dr. Kunaftrokius, that great man, at his 
 leifure hours, take the greateft delight imaginable 
 in combing of affes tails, and plucking the dead 
 hairs out with his teeth, though he had tweezers 
 alw^ays in his pocket ? Nay, if you come to that, 
 Sir, have not the wifeft of men in all ages, not ex- 
 cepting Solomon himfelf, — have they not had their 
 Hobby- Horses ; — their running horfes, — their 
 coins and their cockle-fhells, their drums and their 
 trumpets, their fiddles, their pallets, — tiieir maggots 
 and their butterflies ? — and fo long as a man rides 
 
 his 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. icj 
 
 his HoBBY-HoRSE peaceably and quietly along the 
 King s highway, and neither compels you or me to 
 get up behind him, — pray, Sir, what have either 
 you or I to do with it ? 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 - — De gujiibus non efi dijpuiandum ; — that is, there 
 is no difputing againlt Hobby-Horses ; and for 
 my part, I feldom do ; nor could I with any fort of 
 grace, had I been an enemy to them at the bottom ; 
 for happening, at certain intervals and changes of 
 the moon, to be both fiddler and painter, according 
 as the fly ftings, — be it 'known to you, that I keep 
 a couple of pads myfelf, upon which, in their turns, 
 (nor do I care who knows it) I frequently ride out 
 and take the air ; — though fometimes, to my fhame 
 be it fpoken, I take fomewhat longer journies than 
 what a wife man would think altogether right.^ — 
 But the truth is, — I am not a wife man ;— and be- 
 fides am a mortal of fo little confequence in the 
 world, it is not much matter what I do : fo I feldom 
 fret or fume at all about it : nor does it much difturh 
 my reft, when I fee fuch great Lords and tall Per- 
 fonages as hereafter follow ; — fuch, for inftance, as 
 my Lord A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, 
 O, P, Q, and fo on, all of a row, mounted upon 
 their feveral horfes ; — fome with large ftirrups, get- 
 ting on in a more grave and fober pace ; others 
 
 on the contrary, tucked up to their very chins, with 
 whips acrofs their mouths, fcouring and fcampering 
 it away like fo many httle party-coloured devils 
 
 aft] ide 
 
14 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 aftride a mortgage, — and as if fome of them were 
 
 refolved to break their necks. So much the 
 
 better — fay I to myfelf; — for in cafe the worft 
 Ihould happen, the world w ill make a fhift to do ex- 
 
 cellently well without them ; and for the reft, • 
 
 why— God fpeed them ^e'en let them ride on 
 
 without oppofition from me ; for were their lord- 
 ftiips unhorfed this very night — 'tis ten to one but 
 that many of them would be worfe mounted, by 
 one half, before to-morrow^ morning. 
 
 Not one of thefe inftances therefore can be faid 
 
 to break in upon my reft. But there is an in- 
 
 fiance, which I own puts me off my guard, and 
 that is, when I fee one born for great aftions, and 
 what is ftill more for his honour, whofe nature ever 
 inclines him to good ones ; — when I behold fuch a 
 onCy my Lord, like yourfelf, whofe principles and 
 conduct are as generous and noble as his blood, 
 and whom, for that reafon, a corrupt world cannot 
 fpare one moment ; — when I fee fuch a one^ my 
 Lord, mounted, though it is but for a minute be- 
 yond the time which my love to my country has 
 prefcribed to him, and my zeal for his glory willies, 
 " — then, my Lord, I ceafe to be a philofopher, and 
 in the firft tranfport of an honeft impatience I wifti 
 the HoBBY-HoRSE, with all his fraternity, at the 
 Devil. 
 
 " My Lord, 
 " I MAINTAIN this to be a dedication, not- 
 withftanding its fingularity in the three great 
 eifentials of matter, form^ and place : I beg, there- 
 
 fore, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I5 
 
 fore, you will accept it as fucli, and that you will 
 ^' permit me to lay it, with the moft refpeftful hu-- 
 " mility, at your Lordftiip's feet, — when you are 
 upon them, — which you ca,n be when you pleafe; 
 and that is, my Lord, whenever there is occafiou 
 for it, and I will add, to the beft purpofes too. 
 I have the honour to be, 
 
 " My Lord, 
 Your Lordihip s moft obedient, 
 and moft devoted, 
 " and moft humble fervant, 
 
 Tristram Shandy." 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 I SOLEMNLY declare to all mankind, that the 
 above dedication was made for no one Prince, 
 Prelate, Pope, or Potentate,— Duke, Marquis, 
 Earl, Vifcount, or Baron, of this, or any other 
 
 realm in Chriftendom; nor has it yet been 
 
 hawked about, or oifered publicly or privately, 
 direftly or indireftly, to any one perfon or perfon- 
 age, great or fmall ; but is honeftly a true Virgin 
 Dedication untried on, upon any foul living. 
 
 I labour this point fo particularly, merely to re- 
 move any offence or objefition which might arife 
 againft it from the manner in which I propofe to 
 make the molt of it ;— which is the putting it up 
 fairly to public fale ; which I now do. 
 
 Every author has a way of his own in bring- 
 ing his points to bear ; — for my own part, as I hate 
 
 chafTering 
 
l6 THE LIFE AND OI^IJITOI^S 
 
 chaffering and higgling for a few guineas in a dark 
 entry ; — I refolved within myfelf, from the very be- 
 ginning, to deal fquarely and openly with your Great 
 Folks in this affair, and try whether I fhould not 
 come off the better by it. 
 
 If therefore, there is any one Duke, Marquis, 
 Earl, Vifcount, or Baron, in thefe his Majefty s 
 dominions, who ftands in need of a tight, genteel 
 ^ dedication, and whom the above will fuit, (for by 
 the bye, unlefs it fuits in lbm6 degree, I will not 
 
 part with it) it is much at his fervice for fifty 
 
 guineas; which I am pofitive is twenty guineas ^ 
 
 lefs than it ought to be afforded for, by any man 
 of genius. 
 
 My Lord, if you examine it over again, it is far 
 from being a grols piece of daubing, as fome de- 
 dications are. The delign, your Lordfhip fees, is 
 good, — the colouring tranlparent, — the drawing 
 not amifs ; — or to fpeak more like a man of 
 fcience, — and meafure my piece in the painter $ 
 fcale, divided into 20, — I believe, my Lord, the 
 outlines will turn out as 12, — the compofition as 
 9, — the colouring as 6, — the expreffion 13 and a 
 half, — and the defign, — if I may be allowed, my 
 Lord, to underftand my own deftgn. and fup- 
 pofing abfolute perfection in defigning, to be as 
 20, — I think it cannot well fall fliort of ig. Be- 
 fides all this, — there is keeping in it; and the dark 
 ftrokes in the Hobby-Horse, (which is a fecon- 
 dary figure, and a kind of back-ground to the whole) 
 give great force to the principal lights in your own 
 
 figure, and make it come ofi' wonderfully ; and 
 
 belides, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I7 
 
 befides, there is an air of originality in the tout 
 tnjemhle, ^ 
 
 Be pleafed, my good Lord, to order the fum to 
 be paid into the hands of Mr. Dodfley, for the be- 
 nefit of the author ; and in the next edition care 
 fliall be taken that this cliapter be expunged, and 
 your Lordfliip s titles, diftinftions, arms, and good 
 a6lions, be placed at the front of the preceding 
 chapter : all which, from the words T)e gujlibus non 
 ejl disputmidum^ and whatever elfe in this book re* 
 lates to HoBBY-HoRSES, but no more, fhall ftand 
 dedicated to your Lordfhip. — The reft I dedicate 
 to the Moon, who, by the bye, of all the Patrons 
 or Matrons, I can think of, has moft power to let 
 my book a-going, and make the m orld run mad 
 after it* 
 
 Bright Goddefs, 
 
 If thou art not too bufy with Candid and Mifs 
 Cunegund's affairs, — take Triftram Shandy's 
 under thy proteftion alfo. 
 
 c H AP. X. . 
 
 Whatever degree of fmall merit the aO: of 
 benignity in favour of the midwife might juftly 
 claim, or in whom that claim truly refted, — at firft 
 fight feems not very rnaterial to this hiftory — — 
 certain however it w^as, that the gentlewoman, the 
 parfon's wife, did run away at that time with the 
 whole of it : and yet, for my life, I cannot help 
 thinking but that the parfon himfelf, though he had 
 
 VOL, I, c not 
 
l8 THE LIFE ATsD OPINIONS 
 
 not the good fortune to liit upon the defign firlt.— 
 yet, as he heartily concurred in it the moment it 
 was laid before him, and as heartily parted with 
 his money to carry it into execution, had a claim 
 to fome fhare of it, — if not to a full half of what- 
 ever honour was due to it 
 
 The world at that time was pleafed to determine 
 the matter otherwife. 
 
 Lay down the book, and I will allow you half a 
 day to give a probable guefs at the grounds of thii!^ 
 procedure. 
 
 Be it known then, that, for about five years be- 
 fore the date of the midwife s licence, of which you 
 have had fo circumftantial an account, — the parfon 
 we have to do with had made himfelf a country- 
 talk by a breach of all decorum, which he had 
 committed againft himfelf, his ftation, and his office ; 
 — and that was in never appearing better, or other- 
 wife mounted, than upon a lean, forry, jack-afs of 
 a horfe, value about one pound fifteen fliillings ; 
 who, to fliorten all defcription of him, was full bro- 
 ther to Rofinante, asfar asfimilitude congenial could 
 make him ; for he anfwered his defcription to a hair- 
 breadth in every thing, — except that I do not re- 
 member 'tis any Avhere faid, that Rofinante w^as 
 broken winded ; and that, moreover Rofinante, as is 
 the happinefs of moft Spanifli horfes, fat or lean, — 
 was undoubtedly a horfe at all points. 
 
 I know very well that the Hero's horfe was a 
 horfe of chafte deportment, which may have given 
 grounds for the contrary opinion : but it is as cer- 
 tain at the fame time that Rofinante s continency 
 
 (as 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gext. 
 
 VOL. I. OmGINAL EDITION^. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. ig 
 
 (as may be demonftrated from the adventure of the 
 Yanguefian carriers) proceeded from no bodily de- 
 fefil or caufe whatfoever, but from the temperance 
 and orderly current of his blood. — And let me tell 
 you, Madam, there is a great deal of very good 
 chaftity in the world, in behalf of which you could 
 not fay more for your life. 
 
 Let that be as it may, as my purpofe is to do 
 exact juftice to every creature brought upon the ftage 
 of this dramatic work,^ — I could not itifle this dif- 
 
 tinftion in favour of Don Quixotte's horfe ; in 
 
 all other points, the parfon's horfe, I fay, Avas juft 
 fuch another, for he was as lean, and as lank, and 
 as forry a jade, as Humility herfelf could have be- 
 ftrided. 
 
 In the eftimation of here and there a man of weak 
 judgment, it was greatly in the parfon's power to 
 have helped the figure of this horfe of his, — for he 
 was mafter of a very handfome demi-peak'd faddle, 
 quilted on the feat w ith green pluih, garnifhed with 
 a double row of filverheaded ftuds, and a noble 
 pair of fhining brafs ftirrups, with a houfing alto- 
 gether fuitable, of grey fuperfine cloth, with an 
 edging of black lace, terminating in a deep, black, 
 filk fringe, poudre d'or : — ail which he had purchafed 
 in the pride and prime of his life, together w ith a 
 grand embofTed bridle, ornamented at all points as 
 
 it fliould be. But not caring to banter his beaft, 
 
 he had hung all thefe up behind his ftudy door : 
 and, in lieu of them, had ferioufly befitted him with 
 juft fuch a bridle and fuch a faddle, as the figure and 
 value of fuch a fleed might well and truly deferve. 
 
 c 2 In 
 
20 THE IIFE AND OPlNIO^(rS 
 
 In the feveral lallies about his parifti, and in the 
 neighbouring vifits to the gentry wiio hved around 
 
 him, you will eafily comprehend, that the par- 
 
 fon, fo appointed, would both hear and fee enough 
 to keep his philofophy from rufting. To fpeak the 
 truth, he never could enter a village, but he caught 
 
 the attention of both old and young. Labour 
 
 ftood ftill as he palled — the bucket hung fufpended 
 in the middle ©f the well, — the fpinning-wheel 
 forgot its round, — even chuck-farthing and ftiuffle- 
 cap themfelves ftood gaping till he had got out of 
 fight ; and as his movement was not of the quickeft, 
 he had generally time enough upon his hands to 
 make his obfervations, — to hear the groans of the 
 ferious, — and the laughter of the light-hearted ; all 
 which he bore with excellent tranquillity. — His 
 character was, — he loved a jeft in his heart — and 
 as he faw himfelf in the true point of ridicule, he 
 would fay he could not be angry with others for 
 feeing him in a light, in which he fo ftrongly faw 
 himfelf: fo that to his friends, who knew his foible 
 was not the love of money, and who therefore made 
 the lefs fcruple in bantering the extravagance of his 
 humour, — inftead of giving the truecaufe, — he chofe 
 rather to join in the laugh againft himfelf ; and as 
 he never carried one fmgle ounce of flefti upon his 
 own bones, being altogether as fpare a figure as his 
 beaft, — he would fome times infift upon it, that the 
 horfe was as good as the rider deferved ; — that they 
 were, centaur-like, — both of a piece. At other 
 times, and in other moods, when his fpirits were 
 above the temptation of falfe wit, — he would fay, 
 
 he 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 21 
 
 he found himlelf going off faft in a confiimption ; 
 and, with great gravity, would pretend, he could 
 not bear the fight of a fat horfe, without a de- 
 jeftion of heart, and a fenfible alteration in his pulfe ; 
 and that he had made choice of the lean one he 
 rode upon, not only to keep himfeif in countenance, 
 but in fpirits. 
 
 At different times he would give fifty humorous 
 and appofite reafons for riding a meek-fpii ited jade 
 of a broken- winded horfe, preferably to one of met- 
 tle ; — for on fuch a one he could fit mechanically, 
 and meditate as delightfully vanitate mundi et 
 fugd J^culi, as with the advantage of a death's head 
 before him — that, in all other exercitations, he 
 could fpend his time, as he rode flowly along, — to 
 as much account as in his ftudy ; — that he could 
 draw up an argument in his fermon, — or a hole in 
 his breeches, as fteadily on the one as in the other ; 
 — that brifl^ trotting and flow argumentation, like 
 wit and judgment, were two incompatible move- 
 ments. — But that upon his fteed — he could unite 
 and reconcile every thing; — he could compofe his 
 
 fermon — he could compofe his cough, and, in 
 
 cafe nature gave a call that way, he could likewife 
 conjpofe himfeif to fleep. — In ihort, the parfon upon 
 foch encounters would affign any caufe but the true 
 caufe, — and he withheld the true one, only out of 
 a nicety of temper, becaufe he thought it did honour 
 to him. 
 
 But the truth of the ftory was as follows : — In 
 the firft years of this gentleman's life, and about the 
 time when the fuperb faddie and bridle w^ere pur- 
 
 c 3 chafed 
 
22 THE LIFE AND OPINIOlSrS 
 
 chafed by him, it had been his manner, or vanity, 
 or call it what you will, — to run into the oppofite 
 extreme. — In the language of the country where 
 he dwelt, he was faid to have loved a good horfe, 
 and generally had one of the beft in the whole parifh 
 ftanding in his ftabie always ready for faddling; 
 and as the neareft midwife, as I told you, did not 
 live nearer to the village than feven miles, and in 
 a vile country,— it fo fell out that the poor gentle- 
 man Wiis fcarce a whole week together without 
 fome piteous application for his beaft ; and as he 
 was not an unkind -hearted man, and every cafe was 
 more preffing and more diftrefsful than the laft, — - 
 as much as he loved his beaft, he had never a heart 
 to refufe him ; the upfliot of which was generally 
 this, that his horfe w^as either clapp'd, or fpavin'd, 
 or greas'd ; — or he was twitter-bon'd, or broken- 
 winded, or fomething, in fhort, or other had befallen 
 him, which would let him carry no flefh ; — fo that 
 he had every nine or ten months a bad horfe to 
 get rid of, — and a good horfe to purchafe in his 
 ftead. 
 
 What the lofs in fuch a balance might amount to, 
 communibus anriis^ I would leave to a fpecial jury of 
 futferers in the fame traffick, to determine ; — but 
 let it be what it would, the honeft gentleman bore 
 it for many years without a murmur, till at length, 
 by repeated ill accidents of the kind, he found it 
 necelTary to take the thing under confideration ; and 
 upon weighing the whole, and fumming it up in his 
 mind, he found it not only difproportioned to his 
 other expences, but withal fo heavy an article in 
 
 itfelf, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 23 
 
 itfelf, as to difable him from any other aft of gene- 
 rofity in his parilli : befides this, lie confidered that 
 with half the fum thus galloped away, he could do 
 ten times as much good ; — and what ftill weighed 
 more with him than all other confideralions put to- 
 gether, was this, that it confined all his charity into 
 one particular channel, and where, as he fancied, 
 it was the leaft wanted, namely, to the child-bearing 
 and child-getting part of his parifli ; referving no- 
 thing for the impotent, — nothing for the aged, — • 
 nothing for tlie many comfortlefs fcenes he was 
 hourly called forth to vifit, where poverty, and 
 ficknefs and affliclion dwelt together. 
 
 For thefe reafons he refolved to difcontinue the 
 expence ; and there appeared but two poffible ways 
 to extricate him clearly out of it ; — and thefe were, 
 either to make it an irrevocable law never more to 
 lend his fteed upon any application whatever, — or 
 elfe be content to ride the lalt poor devil, fuch as 
 they had made him, with all his aches and infir- 
 mities, to the very end of the chapter. 
 
 As he dreaded his own conftancy in the firft — • 
 he very chearfuUy betook himfelf to the fecond ; and 
 though he could very well have explained it, as I 
 faid, to his honour, — yet, for that very reafon, he 
 had a fpirit above it ; choofing rather to bear the 
 contempt of his enemies, and the laughter of his 
 friends, than undergo the pain of telling a ftory, 
 which might leem a panegyrick upon himfelf. 
 
 I have the higheft idea of the fpiritual and re- 
 jfined fentiments of this reverend gentleman, from 
 this fingle ftroke in his character, which I think 
 
 c 4 comes 
 
24 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 comes up to any of the honeft refinements of the 
 peerlels knight of La Mancha, whom, hy the bye, 
 with all his follies, I love more, and would actually 
 have gone farther to have paid a viiit to, than the 
 greateft hero of antiquity. 
 
 But this is not the moral of my ftory : The thing 
 I had in view as to lliew the temper of the world 
 in the whole of this affair. — For you muft know^, 
 that fo long as tliis explanation would have done 
 the parfon credit, — the devil a foul could find it 
 out, — I fuppofe his enemies would not, and that 
 
 his friends could not. But no fooner did he be- 
 
 ftir himfelf in behalf of the midwife, and pay the 
 expences of the ordinary's licence to fet her up, — • 
 but the whole fecret came out ; every horfe he had 
 loft, and two horfes more than ever he had loft, 
 with ail the circumftances of their deftruciion, were 
 known and diftinctty remembered.— The ftory ran 
 like wildfire. — The parfon had a returning fit of 
 
 pride which had juft feized him ; and he was 
 
 going to be well mounted once again in his Hfe ; 
 
 and if it was fo, 'twas plain as the lian at noon- 
 
 day, he would pocket the expence of the licence 
 ^' ten times told, the very firft year : — fo that every 
 
 body was left to judge what were his views in 
 
 this a6l of charity." 
 
 What Avere his views in this, and in every other 
 aClion of his life, — or rather what vv cre the opinions 
 which floated in the brains of other people con- 
 cerning it, was a thought which too much floated 
 in his own, and too often broke in upon his reft, 
 when he fhould have been found afleep. 
 
 About 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 25 
 
 About ten years ago this gentleman had the good 
 fortune to be made entirely ealy upon that fcore, 
 — it being juft fo long fmce he left his parifh, — and 
 the whole world at the fame time behind him ; — 
 and ftands accountable to a Judge, of whom he 
 will have no caufe to complain. 
 
 But there is a fataiity attends the aQions of fome 
 men : order them as they will, they pafs thro' a 
 certain medium, which fo twifts and refra6fs them 
 
 from their true direfilions that, with all the 
 
 tides to praife which a, rectitude of heart can give^ 
 the doers of them are nevertheiefs forced to live 
 and die without it. 
 
 Of the truth of which, this gentleman was a 
 
 painful example. But to know by what means 
 
 this came to pafs, — and to make that knowledge of 
 ufe to you, I infift upon it that you read the two 
 following chapters, which contain liich a Iketch of 
 his life and converfation, as will carry its moral 
 along with it. When this is done, if nothing ftops 
 us in our wav, we will ^o on with the midwife. 
 
 CHAP. XI. 
 
 YORICK was this parfon s name, and, what is 
 very remarkable in it, (as appears from a moft an- 
 cient account of the family, wrote upon ftrong vel- 
 lum, and now in perfed prefervation) it had been 
 
 exaftly fo fpelt for near -I was within an ace 
 
 of laying nine hundred years;— but I would 
 
 not fiiake my credit in telling an improbable truth, 
 
 however 
 
26 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 however indifputable in itfelf ; and therefore I 
 
 fhall content mylelf with only faying It had 
 
 been exaftly fo fpelt, without the leaft variation or 
 tranfpofition of a fmgle letter, for I do not know 
 how long; which is more than I would venture to 
 fay of one half of the beft furnames in the kingdom ; 
 which, in a courfe of years, have generally under- 
 gone as many chops and changes as their owners. 
 — Has this been owing to the pride, or to the 
 ftiame of the refpeftive proprietors? — In honeft 
 truth, I think fometimes to the one, and fometimes 
 to the other, juft as the temptation has wrought. 
 But a villanous affair it is, and will one day fo blend 
 and confound us all together, that no one fhall be 
 able to ftand up and fwear, " That his own great 
 grandfather was the man who did either this or 
 " that." 
 
 This evil had been fufficiently fenced againft by 
 the prudent care of the Yorick family, and their 
 religious prefervation of thefe records I quote, which 
 do farther inform us, That the family was originally 
 of Danifli extraftion, and had been tranfplanted 
 into England as early as in the reign of Horwen- 
 dillus, king of Denmark, in whole court, it feems, 
 an anceftor of this Mr. Yorick, and from whom he 
 was lineally defcended, held a conliderable poft to 
 the day of his death. Of what nature this conli- 
 derable poft was, this record faith not — it only adds, 
 That, for near two centuries, it had been totally 
 abolifhed, as altogether unneceflary, not only in 
 that court, but in every other court of the Chriftian 
 world. 
 
 It 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 27 
 
 It has often come into my head, that this poft 
 could be no other than that of the king's chief jefter ; 
 — and that Hamlets Yorick, in our Shakefpeare^ 
 many of vvhofe plays, you know, are founded upon 
 authenticated fa6ts, was certainly the very man. 
 
 J have not the time to look into Saxo-Gram- 
 maticus s Danifh hiltory, to know^ the certainty of 
 this — but if you have leifure, and can eafily get at 
 the book, you may do it full as well yourfelf. 
 
 I had jult time, in my travels through Denmark 
 with Mr. Noddy's eldeft fon, whom, in the year 
 1741, 1 accompanied as governor, riding along 
 with him at a prodigious rate thro' moft parts of 
 Europe, and of which original journey performed 
 by us two, a m.oft delectable narrative will be given 
 in the progrefs of this work ; I had jufttime, I fay, 
 and that was all, to prove the truth of an obferva- 
 tion made by a long fojourner in that country ; 
 namely, ^' That nature was neither very lavifh, 
 
 nor was Ihe very ftingy in her gifts of genius and 
 ^' capacity to its inhabitants ; — but, like a difcreet 
 
 parent, was moderately kind to them all ; ob- 
 
 ferving fuch an equal tenor in the diftribution of 
 ^' her favours, as to bring them, in thofe points, 
 
 pretty near to a level with each other; fo that 
 ^' you will meet with few inftances in that kingdom 
 '^^ of refined parts; but a great deal of good plain 
 
 houfhold underftanding amongft all ranks of 
 
 people, of which every body has a fliare ;" which 
 is, I think, very right. 
 
 With us, you fee, the cafe is quite different : — - 
 we are all ups and downs in this matter; — you are 
 
 a great 
 
28 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 a great genius ; — or 'tis fifty to one, Sir, you are a 
 great dunce and a blockhead ; — not that there is a 
 total want of intermediate fteps; — ^no,- — ^we are 
 not fo irregular as that comes to ; — but the two 
 extremes are more com.mon, and in a greater de- 
 gree in this unfettled ifland, where nature, in her 
 gifts and difpofitions of this kind, is moft whimfical 
 and capricious ; fortune herfelf not being more fo 
 in the bequeft of her goods and chattels than ftie. 
 
 This is all that ever ftaggered my faith in regard 
 to Yorick's extraction, who, by what I can remem- 
 ber of him, and by all the accounts I could ever 
 get of him, feemed not to have had one fmgle drop of 
 Danifh blood in his whole crafis ; in nine hundred 
 
 years, it might poffibly have all run out : 1 will 
 
 not philofophize one moment with you about it ; 
 for happen how it would, the fa€l; was this : — That 
 inftead of that cold phlegm and exai^ regukuity of 
 fenfe and humours, you would have looked for, in 
 one fo extrafted ; — he was, on the contrary, as mer- 
 curial and fublimated a compofition, — as heteroclite 
 
 a creature in all his declenfions ; ^with as much 
 
 , life and whim, and gaite de coeur about hiui, as 
 the kindlieft climate could have engendered and 
 put together. With all this fail, poor Yorick car- 
 ried not one ounce of ballaft ; he was utterly un- 
 pra6lifed in the world ; and at the a^^e of twenty- 
 lix, knew juft about as well how to fteer his courfe 
 in it, as a romping, unfulpicious girl of thirteen : fo 
 that upon his firft fetting out, the brifk gale of his 
 fpirits, as you will imagine, ran him foul ten times 
 in a day of fomebody's tackling ; and as the grave 
 
 and 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 29 
 
 and more flow-paced were ofteneft in his way, 
 
 you may likewife imagine, 'twas with luch he had 
 generally the ill luck to get the moft entangled. 
 For audit I know there might be fome mixture of 
 
 unlucky wit at the bottom of fuch fracas: for, 
 
 to fpeak the truth, Yorick had an invincible diflike 
 and oppofition in his nature to gravity ; — not to gra- 
 vity as fuch ; — for where gravity was wanted, he 
 would be the moft grave or ferious of mortal men 
 for days and weeks together ; — but he was an ene- 
 my to the affeftation of it, and declared open war 
 againft it, only as it appeared a cloak for ignorance, 
 or for folly : and then, whenever it fell in his way, 
 however flieltered and protefted, he feldom gave it 
 much quarter. 
 
 Sometimes, in his wild way of talking, he would 
 fay, that Gravity was an arrant fcoundrel, and he 
 would add, — of the moft dangerous kind too, — be- 
 caufe a fly one; and that he verily believed, 
 more honeft, well-meaning people were bubbled 
 out of their goods and money by it in one twelve- 
 month, than by pocket-picking and fliop-lifting 
 in feven. In the naked temper which a merry 
 heart difcovered, he would fay there was no dan- 
 ger, — but to itfelf : — whereas the very eilence of 
 gravity was delign, and confequently deceit; — - 
 'twas a taught trick to gain credit of the world for 
 more fenfe and knowledge than a man was worth ; 
 and that, with all its pretenfions, — it was no better, 
 but often worfe, than what a French wit had Ions 
 ago defined it, — viz, A myfterious carriage of the 
 body to cover the defeEI's of tJie mind y—^N\iid\ de- 
 
 iinition 
 
30 THE LIFE ANt) OPINIONS 
 
 finition of gravity, Yorick, with great imprudence^ 
 would fay, deferved to be wrote in letters of gold. 
 
 But, in plain truth, he was a man unhackneyed 
 and unpra6lifed in the world, and was altogether as 
 indifcreet and foolifh on every other fubjeft of dif- 
 courfe where policy is wont to imprefs reftraint, 
 Yorick had no impreffion but one, and that was what 
 aroftj from the nature of the deed fpoken of ; which 
 impreffion he w^ould ufually tranflate into plain En- 
 gliih without any periphrafis ; — and too oft without 
 much diftin6lion of either perfon, time, or place ; — 
 fo that when mention was made of a pitiful or an 
 
 ungenerous proceeding -he never gave himfelf 
 
 a moment s time to reflefl: who was the hero of the 
 
 piece, what his ftation, or how far he had 
 
 power to hurt him hereafter; but if it was a 
 
 dirty a6lion, — without more ado,— The man was a 
 dirty fellow, — and fo on. — And as his comments 
 had ulually the ill fate to be terminated either in a 
 hon motj or to be enlivened throughout with fome 
 drollery or humoui^ of expreffion, it gave wings to 
 Yorick's indifcretion. In a word, tho' he never 
 fought, yet, at the fame time, as he feldom fliunned 
 occafions of faying what came uppermoft, and with- 
 out much ceremony; he had but too many 
 
 temptations in life, of fcattering his wit and his hu- 
 mour, — his gibes and his jefts about him. They 
 
 were not loft for want of gathering. 
 
 What were the confequences, and what was 
 Yorick's cataftrophe thereupon, you will read in 
 the next chapter. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 
 
 31 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 THE Mortgager and Mortgagee differ the one 
 from the other, not more in length of purfe, than 
 the Jefter and Jeft^e do, in that of memory. But 
 in this the comparifon between them runs, as the 
 fchohafts call it, upon all-four; which, by the bye, 
 is upon one or two legs more than fome of the belt 
 of Homer s can pretend to ;— namely. That the one 
 raifes a fum, and the other a laugh at your expence, 
 and thinks no more about it. Intereft, however, 
 ftill runs on in both cafes ; — the periodical or acci- 
 dental payments of it, juft ferving to keep the me- 
 mory of the affair alive ; till, at length, in fome 
 evil hour, — pop comes the creditor upon each, and 
 by demanding principal upon the fpot, together 
 with full intereft to the very day, makes them both 
 feel the full extent of their obHgations. 
 
 As the reader (for I hate your tfs ) has a thorough 
 knowledge of human nature, I need not fay more 
 to fatisfy him, that my Hero could not go on at 
 this rate without fome flight experience of thele 
 incidental mementos. To fpeak the truth, he had 
 wantonly involved himfelf in a multitude of fmall 
 book-debts of this ftamp, which, notwithftanding 
 Eugenius's frequent advice, he too much difre- 
 garded ; thinking, that as not one of them was 
 contracted thro' any malignancy ; — but, on the con- 
 trary, from an honefty of mind, and a mere jocun- 
 dity of hum^our, they would all of them be croffed 
 out in courfe. 
 
 Eugenius 
 
32 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Eugenius would never admit this ; and would 
 often tell him, that one day or other he would cer* 
 tainly be reckoned with ; and he would often add, 
 in an accent of forrowful apprehenfion, — to the 
 utermolt mite. To which Yorick, with his ufual 
 carelefsnefs of heart, would as often anfwer with a 
 pftiaw ! — and if the fubjefil was ftarted in the fields, 
 — with a hop, fkip, and a jump at the end of it ; 
 but if clofe pent up in the focial chimney-corner, 
 where the culprit was barricado'd in, with a table 
 and a couple of arm-chairs, and could not fo readily 
 fly off in a tangent, — Eugenius would then go on 
 with his lefture upon difcretion in words to this pur- 
 pofe, though fomewhat better put together : — 
 
 Truft me, dear Yorick, this unweary pleafantry 
 of thine will fooner or later bring thee into fcrapes 
 and difficulties, which no after- wit can extricate thee 
 
 out of In thefe fallies, too oft, I lee it happens, 
 
 that a perfon laughed at, conliders himfelf in the 
 light of a perfon injured, with all the rights of fuch 
 a fituation belonging to him ; and when thou vieweft 
 him in that light too, and reckons up his friends, his 
 
 family, his kindred and allies, and mufters up 
 
 with them the many recruits which will lift under 
 
 him from a fenfe of common danger -'tis no 
 
 extravagant arithmetick to fay, that for every ten 
 jokes, — thou haft got an hundred enemies ; and till 
 thou haft gone on, and raifed a fwarm of wafps 
 about thine ears, and art half ftung to death by them, 
 thou wilt never be convinced it is fo. 
 
 I cannot fufpefil it in the man whom I efteem^ 
 that there is the leaft fpur from fpleen or malevolence 
 
 of 
 
OF TftlSTRAM SHANDY. 33 
 
 of intent in thefe fallies ; — I believe and know them ■ 
 to be truly honeft and Iportive : — but confider, my 
 dear lad, that fools cannot diftinguifh this,- — and| 
 that knaves will not: and that thou knoweft not J 
 what it is, either to provoke the one, or to nriake ^ 
 merry with the other — whenever they affociate 
 for mutual defence, depend upon it, they will carry -j 
 on the war in foch a manner againft thee^ my dear I 
 friend, as to make thee heartily lick of it, and of thy \ 
 life too. 
 
 Revenge from fome baneful corner lhall level a 
 tale of diftionour at thee, which no innocence of 
 
 heart or integrity of conduft fhall fet right.^ 
 
 The ibrtunes of thy houfe fliall totter ; — thy cha- 
 rafter, which led the way to them, ftiall bleed on 
 every fide of it ; — -thy faith queftioned, — thy ^vorks 
 belied, — thy wit forgotten, — thy learning trampled 
 on. To wind up the laft fcene of thy tragedy, 
 Cruelty and Cowardice, twin ruffians, hired 
 and fet on by Malice in the dark, fliall ftrike to- 
 gether at all thy infirmities and miftakes : The 
 
 beft of us, my dear lad, lie open there, and 
 
 truft me, truft me, Yorick, when^ to gratify a 
 
 private appetite^ it is once rejolved upon^ that an in- 
 nocent and an helplejs creature fliall be Jacrijiced^ V/i 
 an eajy matter to pick up Jlicks enough from any ^ 
 thicket where it has firayed^ to make a fire to offer 
 it up with. 
 
 Yorick fcarce ever heard this fad vaticination of 
 his deftiny read over to him, but with a tear Itealing 
 from his eye, and a promiffory look attending it, 
 that he was refolved, for the time to come, to ride 
 
 VOL. I. D his 
 
34 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 his tit with more fobriety. — But, alas, too late !— 
 a grand confederacy, with and at the 
 
 head of it, was formed before the firft predi6tion of 
 it. — The whole plan of attack, juft as Eugenius had 
 foreboded, was put in execution all at once, — with 
 fo little mercy on the Ikle of the allies, — and fo 
 little falpicion in Yorick, of what was carrying on 
 againft him, — that when he thought, good eafy man ! 
 full furely preferment was o' ripening, ^ — they had 
 fmote his root, and then he fell, as many a worthy 
 man had fallen before him. 
 
 Yorick, however, fought it out with all imaginable 
 gallantry for fome time ; till, overpowered by num- 
 bers, and worn out at length by the calamities of 
 the war, — but more fo, by the ungenerous manner 
 in which it was carried on, — he threw down the 
 fword ; and, though he kept up his fpirits in ap- 
 pearance to the laft, he died, neverthelefs, as was 
 generally thought, quite broken-hearted. 
 
 What inclined Eugenius to the fame opinion was 
 as follows :— 
 
 A few hours before Yorick breathed his laft, Eu- 
 genius ftept in with an intent to take his laft fight 
 and laft farewell of him. Upon his drawing Yorick's 
 curtain, and afking how he felt himfelf^ Yorick, 
 looking up in his face, took hold of his hand, — and 
 after thanking him for the many tokens of his 
 friendftiip to him, for which, he faid, if it was their 
 fate to meet hereafter, — he would thank him again 
 and again, — he told him, he has within a few hours 
 of giving his enemies the flip for ever,^ — I hope 
 not, anfwered Eugenius, with tears trickling down 
 
 his 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 35 
 
 Ills cheeks, and with the tendereft tone that ever 
 
 man fpoke — I hope not, Yorick, laid he. Yo- 
 
 rick rephed, with a look up, and a gentle fqueeze 
 of Eugenius s hand, and that was all,— but it cut 
 Eugenius to his heart. — Come, — come, Yorick, 
 quoth Eugenius, wiping his eyes, and fuminoning 
 up the man within him, — my dear lad, be com- 
 forted, — let not all thy fpirits and fortitude forHike 
 
 thee at this crifis when thou moft wantTt them ; 
 
 who knows what refources are in ftore, and what 
 
 the power of God may yet do for thee ! Yorick 
 
 laid his hand upon his heart, and gently fhook his 
 
 head. For my part, continued Eugenius, crying 
 
 bitterly as he uttered the words, ^ — I declare I know 
 not, Yorick, how to part with thee ; and would 
 gladly flatter my hopes, added Eugenius, chearing 
 up his voice, that there is ftill enough left of thee 
 
 to make a bilhop, and that I may live to' fee it. 
 
 I befeech thee, Eugenius, quoth Yorick, taking off 
 his night-cap as well as he could \^ ith his left hand, 
 his right being ftill grafped dole in that of Eu- 
 genius,— —»I befeech thee to take a view of my 
 head. — I fee nothing that ails it, replied Eugenius. 
 —Then, alas ! my friend, faid Yorick, let me tell 
 you, that 'tis fo bruifed and mis-fhapen with tlie 
 blows which '^^^^^^^ and and fome others have 
 fo unhandfomely given m^e in the dark, that I njight 
 fay with Sancho Panca, that, Ihould I recover, and 
 Mitres thereupon be fuftered to rain down from 
 heaven as thick as hail, not one of them would 
 
 fit it." -Yorick's laft breath w as hanging upon 
 
 his trembling lips, ready to depart as he uttered 
 
 D 2 this : 
 
36 THE LIFE AND OPINIOISfS 
 
 this : yet ftil) it was uttered with fomelhing of 
 
 a Cvcrvantic tone ; and as he fpoke it, Eugenius 
 
 could perceive a ftream of lambent fire lighted up 
 
 for a moment in his eyes : faint pifture of thofe 
 
 flafl^es of iiis fpirit, which (as Shakefpeare faid of his 
 anceftor) were wont to fei the table in a roar ! 
 
 Eugenius was convinced fi om this, that the heart 
 
 of his friend was broke : he fqueezed his hand, 
 
 and then walked Ibftiy out of the room, weeping as 
 he walked. Yorick followed Eugenius with his 
 eyes to the door, — he then clofed them, — and never 
 opened them more. 
 
 He lies buried in the corner of his church-yard, 
 
 in the parilh of , under a plain marble flab, 
 
 which his friend Eugenius, by leave of his exe- 
 cutors, laid upon his grave, with no more than 
 thefe three words of infcription, ferving both for 
 his epitaph and elegy : — 
 
 Alas, poor YORICK! 
 
 Ten times a day has Yorick's ghoft the confola- 
 tion to hear his monumental infcription read over 
 f with llich a variety of plaintive tones, as denote a 
 
 general pity and efteem for him : a footway 
 
 croffing the church-yard, clofe by the fide of his 
 grave, — not a paflTenger goes by without ftopping to 
 call a look upon it, — and fighing as he walks on, 
 
 Alas, poor YORICK! 
 
■or TRISTRAM SIIAXDY. 
 
 37 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 39 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 IT is fo long fince the reader of this rhapfodical 
 work has been parted from the midwife, that it is 
 high time to mention her again to him, merely to 
 put him in mind that there is fuch a body ftill in the 
 world, and whom, upon the beft judgment I can 
 form upon my own plan at prefent, I am going to 
 introduce to him for good and all : but as frefti mat- 
 ter may be ftarted, and much unexpected bufinefs 
 fall out betwixt the reader and myfelf, which may 
 
 require immediate difpatch, 'twas right to take 
 
 care that the poor woman ftiould not be loft in the 
 mean time ; — becaufe, when Ihe is wanted, w^e can 
 no way do without her. 
 
 I think I told you that this good woman w^as a 
 perfon of no fmall note and confequence throughout 
 our w^hole village and townlhip;^ — ^that her fame 
 had fpread itfelf to the very outedge and circum- 
 ference of that circle of importance, of which kind 
 every foul living, whether he has a fliirt to his back 
 
 or no, has one furroundinghim; which faid 
 
 circle, by the w^ay, whenever 'tis faid that fuch a one 
 
 is of great weight and importance in the worlds 
 
 I defire may be enlarged or contrafted in your wor- 
 Ihip's fancy, in a compound ratio of the ftation, pro- 
 feffion, knowledge, abilities, height and depth 
 (meafuring both ways) of the perfonage brought 
 before you. 
 
 In the prefent cafe, if I remember, I fixed it 
 about four or five miles, which not only compre- 
 hended the whole parifli, but extended itfelf to tw^o 
 
 D 4 or 
 
40 THE LIFE AND OPHSTIONS 
 
 or three of the adjacent hamlets in the Ikirts of the 
 next pariih ; which made a confiderable thing of it. 
 I muft add, That Ihe was, moreover, very well 
 looked on at one large grange-houfe, and fome other 
 odd houfes and farms within two or three miles, as 
 I faid, from the fmoke of her own chimney — - 
 But I mnft here, once for all, inform you, that all 
 this will be more exaftly delineated and explained 
 in a map, now in the hands of the engraver, which, 
 with many other pieces -and developements of this 
 work, will be added to the end of the twentieth 
 volume, — not to fwell the work, — I deteft the 
 thought of fuch a thing ; — but by way of commen- 
 tary, fcholium, illuftration, and key to fuch paffages, 
 incidents, orinuendos as fhall be thought to be 
 either of private interpretation, or of dark or doubt- 
 ful meaning, after my Life and my Opinions fliall 
 have been read over (now don't forget the meaning 
 
 of the word) by all the world;— ^ which, betwixt 
 
 you and me, and in fpite of all the gentlemen 
 reviewers in Great Britain, and of all that their 
 worfliips (hall undertake to write or fay to the 
 contrary, —1 am determined ftiall be the cafe. — I 
 need not tell your worfliip, that all this is fpoke in 
 confidence. 
 
 C HAP. XIV. 
 
 UPON looking into my mother s marriage fet- 
 tlement, in order to fatisfy myfelf and reader in a 
 point neceflary to be cleared up, before we could 
 proceed any farther in this hiftory, — I had the good 
 
 fortune 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 41 
 
 fortune to pop upon the very thing I wanted before 
 I had read a day and a half ftraight forwards : — it 
 might have taki n me up a month ; — which fhews 
 plainly, that when a man fits down to write a hif- 
 tory, — though it be but the hiftory of Jack Hicka- 
 thrift or Tom Thumb, he knows no more than his 
 heels what lets and confounded hindrances he is to 
 meet with in his way, — or what a dance he may be 
 led, by one excurfion or another, before all is oven 
 Could a hiftoriographer drive on his hiftory, as a 
 muleteer drives on his mule, — ftraight forward; 
 
 • for inftance, from Rome all the way to Lo- 
 
 retto, without ever once turning his head afide, 
 either to the right hand or to the left, — —he might 
 venture to foretel you to an hour when he fliould get 
 
 to his journey's end ; but the thing is, morally 
 
 fpeaking, impolTible : for, if he is a man of the leaft 
 Ipirit, he will have fifty deviations from a ftraight 
 line to make with this or that party as he goes along^ 
 which he can no ways avoid. He will have views 
 and profpefts to himfelf perpetually foliciting his 
 eye, which he can no more help ftanding ftill to 
 look at than he can fly ; he will moreover have 
 various 
 
 Accounts to reconcile : 
 
 Anecdotes to pick up : 
 
 Infcriptions to make out : 
 
 Stories to weave in : 
 
 Traditions to fift : 
 
 Perfonages to call upon : 
 
 Panegyricks to pafte up at this door ; 
 
 Fafquinades at that : All which both the man 
 
 and 
 
42 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and the mule are exempt from. To fum up all ; 
 There are archives at every ftage to be look'd into, 
 and rolls, records, documents, and endlefs genea- 
 logies, which juftice ever and anon calls him back 
 
 to ftay the reading of : In fhort, there is no end 
 
 of it; for my own part, I declare I have been 
 
 at it thefe fix weeks, making all the fpeed I polTibly 
 could, — and am not yet born : — I have juft been 
 able, and thaf s all, to tell you when it happened, 
 but not how ; — fo that you fee the thing is yet far 
 from being accompliflied. 
 
 Thefe unforefeen ftoppages, w^hich I own I had 
 no conception of when I firft fet out ; — but which, 
 I am convinced now, will rather increafe than di- 
 minifli as I advance, — have ftruck out a hint which 
 
 I am refolved to follow^ ; and that is, — not to 
 
 be in a hurry ; — but to go on leifurely, writing and 
 
 publifliing two volumes of my life every year ; • 
 
 which, if I am fuffered to go on quietly, and can 
 make a tolerable bargain wdth my bookfeller, I lhall 
 continue to do as long as I live. 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 THE article in my mother's marriage-fettlement, 
 which I told the reader I was at the pains to fearch 
 for, and which, now that I have found it, I think 
 proper to lay before him, — is lb much more fully 
 exprefs'd in the deed itfelf, than ever I can pretend 
 to do it, that it w^ould be barbarity to take it out of 
 the lawyer's hand : — It is as follows : — 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAl^TDY. 43 
 
 ant! t^}W Slnlientnre further totmcSctg, That 
 
 the faid Walter Shandy, merchant, in confider- 
 ation of the faid intended marriage to be had, 
 and, by God's bleffing, to be well and truly fo- 
 lemnized and confamm^ated between the faid 
 Walter Shandy and Elizabeth Mollineux afore- 
 faid, and divers other good and valuable caufes 
 and confiderations him thereunto fpecially mov- 
 ing, — (loth grant, covenant, condefcend, confent, 
 conclude, bargain, and fully agree to and with 
 John Dixon and James Turner, efqrs. the above- 
 
 ^' named truftees, &c. &c. — to te)lt, — That in cafe 
 it fliould hereafter fo fall out, chance, happen, 
 or otherwife come to pafs,- --That the foid Wal- 
 ter Shandy, merchant, fliall have left ofi bufinefe 
 before the time or times that the faid Elizabeth 
 Mollineux lhall, according to the courfe of na- 
 ture, or otherwife, have left off bearing and 
 
 ^' bringing forth children ; — and that, in confe- 
 quence of the faid V/alter Shandy having fo left 
 off bufinefs, he lhall in defpight, and againft the 
 
 ^' free-will, confent, and good-liking of the faid 
 Elizabeth Mollineux, — make a departure from 
 the city of London, in order to retire to, and 
 dwell upon, his eftate at Shandy Hall, in the 
 county of , or at any other country-feat, caftle, 
 
 ^' hall, manfion-houfe, meffuage or grange-houfe, 
 now purchafed, or hereafter to be purchafed, or 
 upon any part or parcel thereof; — That then, 
 and as often as the faid Elizabeth Mollineux 
 fhall happen to be enceint with child or children 
 feverally and lawfully begot, or to be begotten, 
 
 " upon 
 
44 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 upon the body of the faid Elizabeth MoUineux, 
 during her laid coverture, — he the faid Walter 
 Shandy fhall, at his own proper cofts and charges, 
 and out of his own proper monies, upon good 
 and reafonable notice, which is hereby agreed 
 to be within fix weeks of her the faid Ehzabeth 
 Mollineux's full reckoning, or time of fuppofed 
 and computed delivery, — pay, or cause to be 
 paid, the fum of one hundred and twenty pounds 
 
 " of good and lawful money to John Dixon and 
 James Turner, efqrs. or affigns, — upon trust 
 and confidence, and for and unto the ufe and ufes, 
 intent, end, and purpofe following: — 'Cftat t0 
 to fap, — ^-Tliat the faid fum of one hundred and 
 twenty pounds fhall be paid into the hands of the 
 
 ^' faid Elizabeth Mollineux, or to be otherwife 
 
 " applied by them the faid Truftees, for the well 
 and truly hiring of one coach, with able and fuf- 
 ficient horfes, to carry and convey the body of the 
 faid Elizabeth Mollineux, and the child or chil- 
 
 ^' dren which ftie ftiall be then and there enceint 
 and pregnant with, — unto the city of London ; 
 
 " and for the further paying and defraying of all 
 other incidental cofts, charges, and expences 
 whatfoever, — in and about, and for and relating 
 to her faid intended delivery and lying-in, in the 
 faid city or fuburbs thereof : And that the faid 
 Elizabeth Mollineux fliall and may, from time to 
 time, and at all fuch time and times as are here 
 covenanted and agreed upon, — peaceably and 
 quietly hire the faid coach and horfes, and have 
 firee ingrefs, egrefs, and regrefs throughout her 
 
 " journey, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 45 
 
 journey, in and from the laid coach, according 
 to the tenor, true intent, and meaning of thefe 
 prefents, without any let, fuit, trouble, difturb- 
 " ance, moleftation, dilcharge, hindrance, for- 
 " feiture, eviaion, vexation, interruption, or in- 
 " cumbrance whatfoever : — And that itihall more- 
 " over be lawful to and for the faid Elizabeth 
 Mollineux, from time to time, and as oft or often 
 as fhe lhall well and truly be advanced in her 
 faid pregnancy, to the time heretofore ftipulated 
 and agreed upon, — to live and refide in fuch 
 place or places, and in fuch family or families, 
 and vvitli fuch relations, friends, and other per- 
 ^' fons within the fiid city of London, as ftie at 
 her own will and pleafure, notwithftanding her 
 " prefent coveiture, and as if fhe was ^femme fok 
 " and unmarried, — ihall think fit— anJ) tSi0 3ln^ 
 " Denture further toittielletft, That for the more 
 etfeftually carrying of the faid covenant into ex- 
 " ecution, the faid Walter Shandy, merchant, doth 
 ^' hereby grant, bargain, fell, releafe, and confirm 
 " unto the faid John Dixon and James Turner, 
 efqrs. their heirs, executors, and affigns, in their 
 a£lual polTefiion now being, by virtue of an in« 
 ^' denture of bargain and fale for a year to them 
 " the faid John Dixon and James Turner, efqrs. 
 
 by him the faid Walter Shandy, merchant, thereof 
 " made ; which faid bargain and fale for a year, 
 bears date the day next before the date of thefe 
 prefents, and by force and virtue of the ftatute 
 for transferring of ufes into pofleffion, — 311 that 
 the manor and lordlhip of Shandy, in the county 
 
 of 
 
46 THE LIFE AXD OPINIONS 
 
 of jwith all the rights, members, and ap* 
 
 *^ purtenaiices thereof; and all and every the mef- 
 fuages, houfes, buildings, barns, ftables, orchards, 
 gardens, backfides, tofts, crofts, garths, cottages, 
 lands, meadows, feedings, paltures, marlhes, 
 " commons, woods, underwoods, drains, fifheries, 
 ^\ w^aters, and watercourfes ; — together with all 
 rents, reverfions, fervices, annuities, fee-farms, 
 knights fees, views of frankpledge, efcheats, reliefs, 
 mines, quarries, goods and chattels of felons and 
 fugitives, felons of thcmfelves, and put in exigent, 
 ^' deodands, fee warrens, and all other royalties 
 " and feigniories, rights and jurifdiClions, privileges 
 
 and hereditaments whatfoever. 0nts alfo the 
 
 " advowfon, donation, prefentation, and free difpo- 
 " fition of the rectory or parfonage of Shandy afore- 
 faid, and all and every the tenths, tythes, glebe- 
 
 " lands. In three M ords, My mother was 
 
 ^' to lie-in, (if flie chofe it) in London. 
 
 But in order to put a ftop to the pra61ice of any 
 unfair play on the part of my mother, which a mar- 
 riage-article of this nature too manifefdy opened a 
 door to, and w hich indeed had never been thought 
 of at all, but for my uncle Toby Shandy,— a claufe 
 was added in fecurity of my father, w^hich was this : 
 That in cafe my mother hereafter fiiould, at 
 " any time, put my father to the trouble and ex- 
 pence of a London journey, upon falfe cries and 
 
 " tokens, that, for every fuch inftance, fhe 
 
 fliould forfeit all the right and title vv^hich the 
 
 covenant gave her to the next turn ; but no 
 
 more,— and fo oH; toHes quoties^ in as effefilual a 
 
 manner;. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 47 
 
 manner, as if fuch a covenant betwixt them 
 " had not been made." — This, by the way, v*^as no 
 more than w^hat w^as realbnable; — and yet, as 
 reafonable as it was, I have ever thought it hard 
 that the whole M^eight of the article fliould have 
 fallen entirely, as it did, upon myfelf. 
 
 But I was begot and born to misfortunes ; — for 
 my poor mother, whether it was wind or w^ater— 
 or a compound of both, — ^or neither ; — or whether 
 it was fimply the mere fwell of imagination and 
 fancy in her; — or how far a ftrong wifti and defire 
 to have it fo, might miflead her judgment : — in 
 fhort, whether ihe was deceived or deceiving in this 
 matter, it no way becomes me to decide. The faft 
 was this, That in the latter end of September 1717, 
 which was the year before I w as born, my mother 
 having carried my father up to town much againft 
 the grain, ^ — he peremptorily infifted upon the 
 claufe ;— fo that I was doom'd, by marriage articles, 
 to have my nofe fqueez'd as flat to my face, as if 
 the deftinies had aftually fpun me without one. 
 
 How this event came about,— and what a train 
 of vexatious difappointments, in one itage or other 
 of my life, have purfued me from the mere lofs, or 
 rather compreflion, of this one fmgle member,-^— 
 fhall be laid before the reader all in due time. 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 IMY father, as any body may naturally imagine, 
 came down with my mother into the country, in but 
 a pettifti kind of a humour. The firft twenty or 
 
 five- 
 
48 THE LIFE AND OPINIOJJS 
 
 five-and-twenty miles he did nothing in the world 
 but fret and teafe himfelf, and indeed my mother* 
 too, about the curfed expence, which he faid might 
 every fliilhng of it have been faved. — Then, what 
 vexed him more than every thing elfe was, the 
 provoking time of the year,— which, as I told you, 
 was towards the end of September, when his wall- 
 fruit and green-gages efpecially, in which he was 
 very curious, were juft risady for pulling. — " Had 
 ^' he been whiftled up to London, upon a Tom 
 Fool's errand, in any other month of the whole 
 year, he ftiould not have faid three words 
 "'^ about it." 
 
 For the next two whole ftages, no fubjeCt would 
 go down, but the heavy blow he had fuftained 
 from the lols of a fon, whom it feems he had fully 
 reckon d upon in his mind, and regifter'd down in 
 his pocket-book, as a fecond ftaff for his old age, in 
 cafe Bobby fhould fail him. " The difappointment 
 
 of this, he faid, was ten times more to a wife man, 
 *^ than all the money which the journey, &c. had 
 
 coft him, put together : — rot the hundred and 
 
 twenty pounds, -he did not mind it a rufti." 
 
 From Stilton, all the way to Grantham, nothing 
 in the whole affair provoked him fo much as the 
 condolences of his friends, and the foolifli figure 
 they ihould both make at church, the firft Sunday ; 
 
 of which, in the fatirical veliemence of his wit, 
 
 now ftiarpen'd a little by vexation, he would give 
 fo many humorous and provoking defcriptions, — 
 and place his rib and felf in fo many tormenting 
 lights and attitudes in the face of the whole con- 
 gregation, — • 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 49 
 
 gregation, — that my mother declared, thefe two 
 ftages were fo truly tragicomical, that flie did no- 
 thing but laugh and cry in a breath, from one end 
 to the other of them all the way. 
 
 From Grantham, till they had crofs'd the Trent, 
 my father was out of all kind of patience at the vile 
 trick and impoiition which he fancied my mother 
 had put upon him in this affair. — " Certainly," he 
 would fay to himfelf, over and over again, the 
 
 woman could not be deceived herfelf if flie 
 
 could, what weaknefs ! " — tormenting word ! 
 
 — which led his imagination a thorny dance, and, 
 before all was over, play'd the deuce and all with 
 him ; — for fure as ever the word weaknefs was ut- 
 tered, and ftruck full upon his brain, — fo fure it fet 
 him upon running divifions upon how many kinds of 
 
 weakneiTes there were ; that there was fuch a 
 
 thing as weaknefs of the body,— as w ell as weak- 
 nefs of the mind, — and then he would do nothing 
 but fyllogize within himfelf for a ftage or two toge- 
 ther, How far the caufe of all thefe vexations might, 
 or might not, have arifen out of himfelf. 
 
 In fliort, he had fo many little fubje6:s of difquie- 
 tude fpringing out of this one affair, all fretting fiic- 
 cefiiveiy in his mind as they rofe up in it, that my 
 mother, whatever was her journey up, had but an 
 
 uneafy journey of it down. In a word, as fhe 
 
 complained to my uncle Toby, he would have tired 
 out the patience of any flefli alive. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
50 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XVXI. 
 
 Though my father travelled homewards, as I 
 told you, in none of the beft of moods, — pfhawing 
 and pifliing all the way down, — yet he had the com- 
 plaifance to keep the worft part of the ftory ftill to 
 himfelf ; — ^which was the refolution he had taken of 
 doing himfelf the juftice, which my uncle Toby's 
 claufe in the marriage-fettlement empowered him ; 
 nor was it till the very night in which I was begot, 
 which was thirteen months after, that fhe had the 
 leaft intimation of his defign : when my father, hap- 
 pening, as you remember, to be a little chagrined 
 
 and out of temper, took occafion as they lay 
 
 chatting gravely in bed afterwards, talking over 
 
 what was to come, to let her know that fhe muft 
 
 accommodate herfelf as well as flie could to the bar- 
 gain made betw^een them in their marriage-deeds ; 
 which was to lye-in of her next child in the country, 
 to balance the laft year s journey. 
 
 My father was a gentleman of many virtues, — 
 but he had a ftrong fpice of that in his temper, which 
 might, or might not, add to the number. — 'Tis 
 known by the name of Perfeverance in a good caufe, 
 ■ — and of Obftinacy in a bad one : of this my mother 
 had fo much knowledge, that ftie knew 'twas to no 
 purpofe to make anyremonftrance; — lb fhe e'en re- 
 folved to fit down quietly, and make the moft of it. 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 AS the point w^as that night agreed, or rather 
 determined^ that my mother fhould lye-in of me 
 
 in 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 5I 
 
 in the country, Ihe took her meafures accordingly ; 
 for which purpofe, when ihe was three days, or 
 thereabouts, gone with child, flie began to caft her 
 eyes upon the midwife, whom you have fo often 
 heard me mention ; and before the week was well 
 got round, as the famous Dr. Manningham was 
 not to be had, llie had come to a final determi- 
 nation in her mind, notwithftanding there was 
 
 a fcientific operator within fo near a call as eight 
 miles of us, and who, moreover, had exprefsly wrote 
 a five fliilling book upon the fubjeCl of midwifery, 
 in which he had expofed, not only the blunders of 
 the fifterhood itfelf, — but had likewile fuperadded 
 many curious improvements for the quicker ex- 
 tra6lion of the foetus in crofs births, and fome other 
 cafes of danger, which belay us in getting into the 
 world ; notwithfi:anding all this, my mother, I fay, 
 was abfolutely determined to truft her life, and 
 mine with it, into no foul's hand but this old wo- 
 man's only. — Now this 1 like; — w^hen we cannot 
 
 get at the very thing we wifii, never to take up 
 
 M ith the next beft in degree to it. No ; that's piti- 
 ful beyond defcription. — It is no more than a week 
 from this very day, in wdiich I am now writing this 
 book for the edification of the world, — which is 
 
 March 9, 1759, that my dear, dear Jenny, ob- 
 
 ferving I looked a little grave, as the ftood cheap- 
 ening a filk of five-and-twenty fniliings a yard, — • 
 told the mercer, fhe was forry (he had given him fo 
 much trouble; — and immediately went and bought 
 herfelf a yard-wide ftufli' of ten-pence a yard. — ^'Tis 
 the duplication of one and the fame greatnefs of 
 
 E 2 foul ; 
 
52 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 foul ; only, what leffened the honour of it fomewhat 
 in my mother's cafe, was, that ftie could not heroine 
 it into fo violent and hazardous an extreme, as one 
 in her frtiiation might have ifhed, becaufe the old 
 midwife had really fome little claim to be depended 
 upon,^ — as much, at leaft, as fuccefs could give her ; 
 'having, in the courle of her practice of near twenty 
 years in the pariih, brought every mother s fon of 
 them into the world without any one flip or acci- 
 dent wl ich could fairly be laid to her account. 
 
 Thefe ta6ts, though they had their weight, yet 
 did not altogether fatisfy fome few Icruples and un- 
 eafmefies which hung upon my father's fpirits, in 
 relation to this choice.- — To fay nothing of the natu- 
 ral workings of humanity and juftice- — or of the 
 yearnings of parental and connubial love, all which 
 prompted him to leave as little to hazard as poflible 
 in a cafe of this kind ; — — he felt himfelf concerned 
 in a particular manner, that all ftiould go right in 
 the prefent cafe ; — ^from the accumulated fon ow 
 he lay open to, Ihould any evil betide his wife and 
 
 child in lying-in at Shandy Hall. He knew the 
 
 w^orld judged by events, and would add to his afflic- 
 tions in fuch a misfortune, by loading him with the 
 
 whole blame of it. Alas o' day ! — had Mrs. 
 
 ^' Shandy, (poor gende woman !) had but her wifh 
 in going up to town juft to lye-in and come down 
 again ;— which, they fay, Ihe begged and prayed 
 ^' for upon her bare knees, — — and which, in my 
 opinion, confidering the fortune which Mr. Shan- 
 dy sot with her,^ — was no fuch mighty matter to 
 have complied with, the lady and her babe might 
 ^' both of them have been alive at this hour." 
 
 Tiris 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 53 
 
 This exclamation, my father knew, was unan- 
 fwerable — and yet, it was not merely to flielter 
 himfelf, — nor was it altogether for the care of his 
 offspring and wife that he feemed fo extremely 
 anxious about this point ; — my father had exten- 
 
 five views of things, -and ftood moreover, as he 
 
 thought, deeply concerned in it for the pubhc 
 good, from the dread he entertahied of the bad ufes 
 an ill-fated ii^iftance might be put to. 
 
 He was very fenfible that all political writers 
 upon the fubjeSt had unanimouily agreed and la- 
 mented, from the beginning of Queen Elizabeth's 
 reign down to his own time, that the current of men 
 and money towards the metropolis, upon one frivo- 
 lous errand or another, — fet in fo ftrong, — as to 
 become dangerous to our civil rights, — ^though, by 
 
 the bye, a current was not the image he took moft 
 
 delight in, — a dijlemper was here his favourite me- 
 taphor, and he would run it down into a perfeCl 
 allegory, by maintaining it was identically the fame 
 in the body national as in the body natural, where 
 the blood and fpirits were driven up into the head 
 
 fafter than they could find their ways down ; a 
 
 ftoppage of circulation muft enfue, which was death 
 in both cafes. 
 
 There was little danger, he w^ould fay, of lofmg 
 our liberties by French politics or French invafions ; 
 
 ' nor was lie fo much in pain of a confomption 
 
 from the mafs of corrupted matter and ulcerated 
 liumours in our conftitution, which he hoped v^as 
 not fo bad as it was imagined ; — but he verily feared 
 that in fome violent pufn, we iliould go off, all at 
 
 E 3 once, 
 
54 ^HE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 once, in a ftate-apoplexy ; — and then he would 
 fay, The Lord have mercy upon us alL 
 
 My father was never able to give the hiftory of 
 this diftemper, — without the remedy along with it. 
 
 " Was I an abfolute prince," he w^ould fay, pul- 
 ling up his breeches with both his hands, as he rofe 
 from his arm-chair, I would appoint able judges^, 
 at every avenue of my metropolis, who fhould 
 take cognizance of eveiy fool's bufinefs who came 
 there ; — and if, upon a fair and candid hearings 
 it appeared not of weight liiflficient to leave his 
 " own home, and come up, bag and baggage, with 
 his wife and children, farmer's fons, &c. &c. at 
 his backfide, they fhould be all fent back, from 
 conftable to conftable, like vagrants as they were, 
 " to the place of their legal fettlements. By this 
 means I fliould take care, that my metropolis tot- 
 ter'd not through its own weight ; — that the head 
 be no longer too big for the body ; — that the ex- 
 tremes, now wafted and pinn'd in, be reftored to 
 their due fhare of nourilhment, and regain with 
 it their natural ftrength and beauty : — I would 
 effectually provide. That the meadow s and corn^ 
 fields of my dominions, fliould laugh and fmg ; — 
 that good cheer and hofpitality flouriih once 
 more; — and that fuch weight and influence be 
 put thereby into the hands of the Squirality of my 
 " kingdom, as fliould counterpoife what I perceive 
 my Nobility are now taking from them." 
 " Why are there fo few palaces and gentlemen's 
 " feats," he would afl^, with fome emotion, as he 
 walked acrofs the roonij throughout fo many 
 
 delicious 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAN'DY. 55 
 
 delicious provinces in France ? Whence is it that 
 the few remaining chateaus amongft them are fo 
 difmantled,— fo unfurnifhed, and in fo ruinous 
 
 and defolate a condition ? Becaufe, Sir/' (he 
 
 would fay) in that kingdom no man has any 
 " country-intereft to fupport ; — the little intereft of 
 any kind which any man has any where in it, 
 is concentrated in the court, and the looks of the 
 Grand Monarch : by the funfhine of whofe coun- 
 tenance, or the clouds which pafs acrofs it^ every 
 Frenchman lives or dies." 
 
 Another political reafon which prompted my 
 father fo ftrongly to guard againft the leaft evil ac- 
 cident in my mother's lying-in in the country, 
 
 was. That any fuch inftance would infallibly throw 
 a balance of power, too great already, into the 
 weaker veffels of the gentry, in his own, or higher 
 
 ftations ; which, with the many other ufurped 
 
 rights which that part of the conftitution was 
 hourly eftablilhing, — would, in the end, prove fatal 
 to the monarchical fyftem of domeftic government 
 eftablimed in the firft creation of things by God. 
 
 In this point he was entirely of Sir Robert Fil- 
 mer's opinion. That the plans and inftitutions of the 
 greateft monarchies in the eaftern parts of the 
 world, were, originally, all ftolen from that ad- 
 mirable pattern and prototype of this houiliold and 
 paternal power ; — which, for a century, he faid, and 
 more, had gradually been degenerating away into 
 a mix'd government ; — - — the form of which, how- 
 ever defirable in great combinations of the fpecieg, 
 - — was very troublefome in fmall ones, — and 
 
 E 4 feldom 
 
56 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 feldom produced any thing, that he faw, but Ibrrow 
 and confufion. 
 
 For all thele reafons, private and public, put 
 together, ^ — my father was for having the man-mid- 
 M^ife by all means, — my mother, by no means. 
 My father begg d and intreated ftie Avould for once 
 recede from her prerogative in this matter, and fuf- 
 fer him to choofe for her : — my mother, on the 
 contrary, infifted upon her privilege in this matter, 
 to choole for hedelf, — and have no mortals help 
 but the old woman's. — What could my father do ? 
 
 He was almoft at his wit's end ; talked it over 
 
 with her in all moods — placed his arj^uments in 
 all lights ; — argued the matter with her like a chrif- 
 tian,— like a heathen,^ — like a hulband, — like a 
 father, — like a patriot, — like a man : — My mother 
 anfwered every thing only like a woman ; which 
 was a litde hard upon her ;— for as fhe could not 
 affume and fight it out behind fuch a variety of 
 characters, — 'twas no fair match : — 'twas leven to 
 
 one.' — ^What could my mother do? She had 
 
 the advantage (otherwife ftie had been certainly 
 overpowered) of a fmall reinforcement of chagrin 
 perfonal at the bottom, which bore her up, and 
 enabled her to difpute the affair with my fa- 
 ther with fo equal an advantage, that both 
 
 fides fung Te Deum, In a word, my mother was 
 to have the old woman, — and the operator was 
 to have licence to drink a bottle of wine with my 
 father and my uncle Toby Shandy in the back 
 parlour, — for which he was to be paid five gui- 
 neas. 
 
 I muft 
 
6f TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 57 
 
 I muft beg leave, before I finilli this chapter, to 
 enter a caveat in the breaft of my fair reader ; — and 
 it is this, — Not to take it abfolutely for granted, 
 from an unguarded word or two which I have 
 
 dropped in it :— " That I am a married man.""— 
 
 I own, the tender appellation of my dear, dear 
 Jenny, — with fome other ftrokes of conjugal know- 
 ledge, interfperfed here and there, might, naturally 
 enough, have mifled the moft candid judge in the 
 world into fuch a determination againft me. — All 
 I plead for, in this cafe. Madam, is ftrift juftice, 
 and that you do fo much of it, to me as well as to 
 yourfelf, — as not to prejudge, or receive fuch an 
 impreffion of me, till you have better evidence, 
 than, I am pofitive, at prefent can be produced 
 againft me. — ^Not that I can be lo vain or unrea- 
 fonable, Madam, as to defire you fhould therefore 
 think, that my dear, dear Jenny is my kept mif- 
 trefs ; — no, — that would be flattering my charafter 
 in the other extreme, and mvino: it an air of frec- 
 dom, which, perhaps, it has no kind of right to. 
 All I contend for, is the utter impoffibihty, for fome 
 volumes, that you, or the moft penetrating fpirit 
 upon earth, fhould know how this matter really 
 ftands — It is not impoffible, but that my dear, dear 
 Jenny ! tender as the appellation is, may be my 
 child. Confider, — I was born in the year eigh- 
 teen. — Nor is there any thing unnatural or extra- 
 vagant in the fuppofitlon, that my dear Jenny may 
 be my friend ! — Friend ! — My friend.— Surely, Ma- 
 dam, a friendQiip between the two fexes may fubfift, 
 and be fupported without— Fy ! Mr. Shandy. 
 
 —Without 
 
58 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ' — Without any thing, Madam, but that tender and 
 dehcious fentiment which ever mixes in friendfhip, 
 where there is a difference of fex. Let me intreat 
 you to ftudy the pure and fentimental parts of the 
 beft French Romances; — it will really, Madam, 
 aftonifti you to fee with what a variety of chafte ex- 
 preffions this delicious fentiment, which I have the 
 honour to fpeak of, is drelfed out. 
 
 CHAP. XIX. 
 
 I WOULD fooner undertake to explain the hardeft 
 problem in geometry, than pretend to account for 
 it, that a gentleman of my father's great good fenfe, 
 
 knowing, as the reader muft have obferved 
 
 him, and curious too in philofophy, — wife alfo in 
 political reafoning, — and in polemical (as he will 
 find) no way ignorant, — could be capable of enter- 
 taining a notion in his head, fo out of the common 
 track, — that I fear the reader, when I come to men- 
 tion it to him, if he is the leaft of a choleric temper, 
 will immediately throw the book by ; if mercurial, 
 he will laugh moft heartily at it ; — and if he is of a 
 grave and faturnine caft, he will, at firft fight, ab- 
 folutely condemn as fanciful and extravagant ; and 
 that was in reipect to the choice and impofition of 
 Chriftian names, on which he thought a great deal 
 more depended than what fuperficial minds were 
 capable of conceiving. 
 
 His opinion in this matter, was. That there was 
 a ftrange kind of magic bias, which good or bad 
 
 names. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 5g 
 
 names, as he called them, irrefiftibly imprelled upon 
 our characlers and conda6t. 
 
 The hero of Cervantes argued not the point with 
 more lerioufnefs, — nor had he more faith, — or more 
 to fay on the powers of necromancy in diftionouring 
 his deeds, — or on Dulcineas name, in fnedding 
 luftre upon them, than my father had on thofe of 
 Trifmegiftus or Archimedes, on the one hand, — or 
 of Nyky and Simkin, on the other. How many 
 Caefars and Pompeys, he would fa}^, by mere infpi- 
 ration of the names, have been rendered worthy of 
 them ! And how many^ he would add, are there, who 
 might have done exceeding well in the world, had 
 not their characters and fpirits been totally depreffed 
 and Nicodemus'd into nothing ! 
 
 I fee plainly. Sir, by your looks (or as the cafe 
 happened) my father v/ould fay — that you do not 
 heartily fubfcribe to thiso'piiiion of mine, — which, to 
 tliofe, he would add, who have not carefully fifteci 
 it to the bottom, — I own has an air more of fancy 
 
 than of folid reafoning in it ; and yet, my dear 
 
 Sir, if I may prefume to know your charafter, I am 
 morally aflUred, I ftiould hazard little in Itating a 
 cafe to yoQ, not as a party in the difpute, — but as 
 a judge, and trufling my appeal upon it to your 
 ovvn good fenfe and candid difquifition in this mat- 
 ter -you are a perfon free from as many narrow 
 
 prejudices of education as moft men ; — and, if I 
 may prefume to penetrate farther into you, — of a 
 liberality of genius above bearing down an opinion, 
 merely becaufe it wants friends. Your fon, — your 
 dear fon,— from whofe fweet and open temper you 
 
 have 
 
/ 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIOiSS 
 
 have fo much to expe6l : — your Billy, Sir ! — would 
 you, for the world, have called him Judas? — Would 
 you, my dear Sir, he would lay, laying his hand 
 upon your breaft, with the genteeleft addrefs, — and 
 in that foft and irrefiftible piano of voice which the 
 nature of the argumentum ad hominem abfolutely re* 
 quires, — Would you, Sir, if a Jew of a godfather 
 had propofed the name of your child, and offered 
 you his purfe along with it, would you have con- 
 
 fented to fuch a defecration of him ? O my God ! 
 
 he would fay, looking up, if I know your temper 
 right, Sir, — you are incapable of it ; — you would 
 have trampled upon the offer ; — you would have 
 thrown the temptation at the tempter s head with 
 abhorrence. 
 
 Your greatnefs of mind in this aftion, which I 
 admire, with that generous contempt of money, 
 Tvhich you fliew me in the whole tranlaftion, is reall^^ 
 noble ; — and what renders it more fo, is the prin- 
 ciple of it ; — the workings of a parent's love upon 
 the truth and conviftion of this very hypothefis, 
 namely, That was your fon called Judas,^ — the for- 
 did and treacherous idea, fo infeparable from the 
 name, would have accompanied him through life like 
 his fliadow, and, in the end, made a miler and a 
 rafcal of him, in fpite. Sir, of your example. 
 
 I never knew a man able to aniwer this argument 
 
 But, indeed, to fpeak of my father as he 
 
 was ; — he was certainly irrefiftible ; — both in his 
 orations and difputations ; — he was born an orator ; 
 — ®£cS[^axlog, — Perfuafion hung upon his lips, and 
 the elements of Logic and Rhetoric were fo blended 
 
 up 
 
OF TRISTHAM SHAl^^'DT. 6l 
 
 up in him, — and, withal, he had fo fhrewd a guefs 
 at the weaknefles and paffions of his refpondent, — 
 ' that Nature might have ftood up and faid, — 
 " This man is eloquent." — In fliort, whether he 
 was on the weak or the ftrong fide of the queftion, 
 'twas hazardous in either cafe to attack him : — and 
 yet, 'tis ftrange, he had never^ read Cicero, nor 
 Quintilian de Oratore, nor Ifocrates, nor Ariftotle, 
 nor Longinus,, amongft the antients ; — nor Vofiius, 
 nor Skioppius, nor Ramus, nor Farnaby, amongft 
 the moderns ; — and, what is more aftonifliing, he 
 had never in his whole life the leaft light or fpark of 
 fubtilty ftruck into his mind, by one fingle lefilure 
 upon Crackenthorp or Burgersdicius or any Dutch 
 logician or commentator ; — he knew^ not fo much as 
 in what the difference of an argument ad ignoran- 
 tiam^ and an argument ad hominem confifted ; fo that 
 I well remember, when he w ent up along with me to 
 enter my name at Jefus' College in — it was 
 amatter ofjuft wonder with my worthy tutor, and two 
 or three fellows of that learned fociety, — that a man 
 who knew not fo much as the names of his tools, 
 fhould be able to work after that fafhion with them. 
 
 To work with them in the beft manner he could, 
 was what my father w^as, however, perpetually 
 
 forced upon; -for he had a thoufand Httle fcep- 
 
 tical notions of the comic kind to defend, — ^moft of 
 which notions, I verily believe, at firft entered upon 
 the footing of mere whims, and of a vive la Baga- 
 telle \ and as fuch he would make merry with them 
 for half an hour or lb, and having fharpened his 
 wit upon them, difiiiils them till another day. 
 
 I mention 
 
62 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I mention this, not only as matter of hypothefis 
 or conje6lure upon the progrefs and eftabhfliment 
 of my father s many odd opinions,— but as a warn- 
 ing to^ the learned reader againft the indifcreet 
 reception of fuch guefts, who, after a free and un- 
 difturbed entrance, for fome years, into our brains, 
 
 ' — at length claim a kind of fettlement there, 
 
 working fometimes like yeaft ; — but more generally 
 after the manner of the gentle paffion, beginning 
 in jeft, — but ending in downright earneft. 
 
 Whether this was the cafe of the fmgularity of 
 my fathers notions — or that his judgment, at length, 
 became the dupe of his wit ; — or how far, in many 
 of his notions, he might, though odd, be abfolutely 
 
 right; the reader, as he comes at then], fliall 
 
 decide. All that I maintain here is, that in tliis 
 one, of the influence of Chriftian namiCs, however 
 it gained footing, he was ferious — he was all uni- 
 formity ; — he was fyftematical, and, like all fyfte- 
 matic reafoners, he would move both heaven and 
 earth, and twift and torture every thing in nature 
 to fupport his hypothefis. In a word, I repeat it 
 over again, — he was ferious ; and, in confequence 
 of it, he would loie all kind of patience whenever 
 he faw people, efpecially of condition, who fliould 
 have known better, — as carelefs and as indifferent 
 about the name they impofed upon their child, or 
 more fo, than in the choice of Ponto or Cupid for 
 their pnppy-dog. 
 
 This, he would fay, iook'd ill ; — and had, more- 
 over, this particular aggravation in it, viz. That 
 when once a vile name was wrongfully or injudi- 
 
 cioufly 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 63 
 
 cioufly given, 'twas not like the cafe of a man's cha- 
 rafter, which when wrongd, might hereafter be 
 
 cleared ; and poffibly, fome time or other, if 
 
 not in the man's life, at leaft after his death, — be, 
 fomehow or other, fet to rights with the world : but 
 the injury of this, he would fay, could never be un- 
 done ; — nay, he doubted even whether an a6l of 
 
 parliament could reach it : He knew as well as 
 
 you, that the legiflature alTumed a power over fur- 
 names ; but for very ftrong reafons, w hich he could 
 give, it had never yet adventured, he would fay, to 
 go a ftep farther. 
 
 It was obfervable, that though my father, in con- 
 fequence of this opinion, had, as I have told you, 
 the ftrongeft likings and diflikings towards certain 
 names, — that there were ftill numbers of names 
 which hung fo equally in the balance before him, that 
 they were abfolutely indifferent to him. Jack, Dick, 
 and Tom were of this clafs : thefe my father called 
 neutral names ; — affirming of them, without a fatire. 
 That there had been as manv knaves and fools, at 
 leaft, as wife and good men, fince the world began, 
 who had indifferently borne them ; — fo that, like 
 equal forces a6ling againft each other in contrary 
 directions, he thought they mutually deflroyed each 
 other's efte&s ; for which reafon, he would often 
 declare. He would not give a cherry-ftone to choofe 
 amongft them. Bob, v/hich was my brother's name, 
 was another of thele neutral kinds of chriftian 
 names, which operated very little either way ; and 
 as my father happened to be at Epfom when it was 
 given him^- — he would oft-times thank Heaven it was 
 
 no 
 
64 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 no worfe. Andrew was fomething like a negative 
 quantity in Algebra with him ; — 'twas worle, he 
 
 faid, than nothing. — WiUiam flood pretty high: 
 
 Numps again was low with him : — and Nick, he 
 faid, was the Devil 
 
 But of all the names in the univerfe, he had the 
 moft unconquerable averfion for Trijlram: — he had 
 the loweft and moft contemptible opinion of it of 
 any thing in the world, thinking it could poffibly 
 produce nothing in rerum naturd^ but what was ex- 
 tremely mean and pitiful ; fo that in the midft of a 
 difpute on the fubjecl, in which, by the bye, he was 
 
 frequently involved, he would fometimes break 
 
 off in a fudden and fpirited Epiphonema^ or rather 
 ErotefiSj raifed a third, and fometimes a full fifth 
 above the key of the difcourfe, — — and demand it 
 categorically of his antagonifi. Whether he would 
 take upon him to lay, he had ever remembered, 
 
 whether he had ever read, — or even whether 
 
 he had ever heard tell of a man, called Triftram, per- 
 forming any thing great or worth recording? — No, — 
 hew^ould fay,^ — Triftram I — The thing is impoffible. 
 
 What could be wanting in my father but to have 
 wrote a book to publifli this notion of his to the 
 world ? Little boots it to the fubtle fpeculatift to 
 fiand fmgle in his opinions, — unlefs he gives them 
 proper vent :— It was the identical thing which my 
 father did : — for in the year fixteen, which ^^'as two 
 years before I was born, he was at the pains of 
 writing an exprefs Dijfertation fimply upon the 
 word Triftram, — fliewing the world, with great 
 candour and modelty, the grounds of his great ab- 
 liorrence to the name. 
 
 Wl^en 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDr. , 65 
 
 When this ftory is compared with the title-page^ 
 —Will not the gentle reader pity my father from 
 his foul? — to fee an orderly and well-difpofed gen- 
 tleman, who tho' fingular, yet inoffenfive in his no- 
 tions, — fo played upon in them by crols purpofes! 
 
 to look down upon the ftage, and fee him baffled 
 
 and overthrown in all his little fyftems and wifhes ! 
 to behold a train of events perpetually falling out 
 againft him, and in fo critical and cruel a way, as 
 if they had purpofedly been plann'd and pointed 
 
 againft him, merely to infult his fpeculations ! 
 
 In a word, to behold fuch a one, in his old age, ill- 
 fitted for troubles, ten times in a day fuffering for- 
 row !— ten times in a day calling the child of his 
 prayers Triftram! — Melancholy difly 11 able of found! 
 which, to his ears, was unifon to Nincompoop, and 
 
 every name vituperative under Heaven. By his 
 
 allies ! I fwear it, — if ever malignant fpirit took 
 pleafure, or bufied itfelf in traverfing the purpofes 
 of mortal man, — it muft have been here; — -and if 
 it was not neceifary I fhould be born before I was 
 chriftened, I would this moment give the reader an 
 account of it. 
 
 C Hx\P. XX. 
 
 -HOW could you, Madam, be fo inattentive 
 
 in reading the laft chapter ? I told you in it, That 
 
 my mother was not a Papji, Papift ! you told 
 
 me no fuch thing, Sir. — Madam, I beg leave to 
 repeat it over again, that I told you as plain, at 
 leaft, as words, by direft inference, could tell 
 
 vox.. I. ^ you 
 
§6 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 you fuch a thing. — Then, Sir, I muft have milVd 
 a page. — No, I\fadam, — you have not mifs'd a 
 word. — —Then I was afleep, Sir. — My pride, Ma- 
 dam, cannot allow yen that refuge. Then I 
 
 declare, I know nothing at all about the matter,— 
 That, Madam, is the very fault I lay to your charge ; 
 mid, as a punifliment for it, I do infift upon it, that 
 you immediately turn back, that is, as foon as you 
 get to the next full ftop, and read the whole chapter 
 over again. I have impofed this penance upon the 
 lady, neither out of wantonnefs nor cruelty, but 
 from the beft of motives ; and therefore fliall make 
 her no apology for it when (he returns back. — Tis 
 to rebuke a vicious tafte, which has crept into thou- 
 fands befides herfelf, — of reading ftraight forwards, 
 more in queft of the adventures than of the deep 
 erudidon and knowledge which a book of this caft, 
 if read over as it iliould be, would infallibly impart 
 
 with them.- The mind lliould be accuftomed to 
 
 make wife reflefitions, and draw^ curious conclufions 
 as it goes along; the habitude of which, made 
 Pliny the Younger affirm, That he never read 
 
 a book fo bad, but he drew fome profit from it.'' 
 The ftories of Greece and Rome, run over withou|| 
 this turn and application, — do Icls fervice, I affirm 
 it, than the hif^ory of Parifmus and Farifmenus, or 
 of the Seven Champions of England, read with it. 
 
 But here comes my fair lady. Have you 
 
 read over again the chapter. Madam, as I defired 
 you? — ^You have : and did you not obferve the 
 paifage, upon the fecond reading, which admits the 
 inference ?— Not a word like it ! Then, Madam, 
 
 be 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 67 
 
 be pleafed to ponder well the laft line but one of 
 the chapter, where I take upon me to lay, ^' It was 
 necejfary I fliould be born before I was chriften'd." 
 Had my mother, Madam, been a Papift, that con- 
 fequence did not follow 
 
 * The Romifli Rituals diredl the baptizing of the child, in 
 cafes of danger, before it is born but upon this provifo, That 
 fome part or other of the child's body be feen by the baptizer. 
 
 But the Dodors of the Sorbonne, by a deliberation held 
 
 amongft thenn, April 10, 1733, — have enlarged the powers of 
 the midwives, by determining, That though no part of the 
 
 child's body ihould appear, that baptifm fiiall, neverthelefs, 
 
 be adn:iiniftered to it by injedion, — jtar le moyen d! une petite 
 ca?iulle, — Anglice, a fquirt, 'Tis very (Irange that St. Tho- 
 mas Aquinas, who had fo good a mechanical head, both for 
 tying and untying the knots of fchool-divinity, — fhould, 
 after fo much pains bellowed upon this, — give up the point at 
 laft, as a fecond- La chafe irnpojjible. — " Infantes in maternis 
 uteris exiftentes (quoth St. Thomas !) baptizari poffunt nullo 
 modo!' — O Thomas ! Thomas ! 
 
 If the reader has the curiofity to fee the queftion upon bap« 
 tifm hy injection^ as prefented to the Dodors of the Sorbonne, 
 with their confultation thereupon, it is as follows: 
 
 MEMOIRE PRESENTE A MESSIEURS LES DOCTEURS DE 
 SORBONNE*. 
 
 Un Chirurgien Accoucheur^ reprefente d Mejfieurs les Doc- 
 teurs de Sorbonne, quil y a des cas, quoique tres rares, oil une ' 
 mere ne f^auroit accoucher, Sf rneme ou reufant eft tellement 
 renferme dans le fein de fa 7nere, quil ne fait paroitre ciucunc 
 partie de fon oorpSy ce qui feroit un cas^ fuivant les liituels, dr. 
 lui conferer^ du moins fous condition, le bapteme, Le Chirur- 
 gieii, qui coifultc, pretend, par le moyen d'une petite canulle, de 
 pouvoir baptifer immediatemeiit V enfant, fans faire aucun tort 
 
 d la mere, // demand fi ce moyen, quil vient de propofer, ejl 
 
 per mis S^" legitime, Sf sd pent sen fervir dans les cas qu'il vienl 
 d'expofer. 
 
 REPONSE, 
 
 Le Confeil ejiijne, qui la quejiion propofee foufre de grandes 
 difficultes. Les Theologiens posent d'un cote pour princ 'ipe, que 
 
 * Vide Deventer, Paris edit. 4to, 1734, p. 
 
 F 2. U 
 
68 
 
 THE LIFE AND 0PlN10l?irs 
 
 le baptemCy qui eft une naiffance fpirituelle^/uppofe une premkri 
 tiai/Jance ; ilfaat etre ne dans It monde^ pour renaitre en Jefm 
 Ckrifiy comme Us Venfeignent, S. Thomas, 3 part quaefl: 88. 
 artic. n. fuit cette dodrine comme une verite conftante ; Von 
 ne peut, dit ce S. DofieuVy baptifer les enfans qui font renfermes 
 dans le fein de leurs meres, S, Thomas efi fonde fur ce, que les 
 enfans ne font point nes Sf ne peuvent etre comptes parmi les 
 autres hommes\ d^ouil conclud, qu its ne peuvent etre T objet 
 d'une adion exterieure pour re^evoir par leure minijiere les 
 facremens neceffaires au falut : Pueri in niaternis uteris ex- 
 iftentes nondum prodierunt in lucem ut cum aliis hominibus 
 vitam dacant; unde non poflunt fubjici adioni humanae, ut 
 per eorum miniflerium facramenta recipiant ad falutam. Les 
 rituels ordonnent dans la pratique ce que les theologiens ont 
 etablifur les manes matieres, 4* Us deffendcnt tons d'une maniere 
 uniforme, de baptifer les enfans qui font renfermes dans le fein 
 de leurs meres, s*ils ne font paroUre quelque partie de leurs 
 corps. Le concours des theologiens, Sf des rituels, qui font les 
 regies des diocefes, paroit former- une autorite qui terrnijie la 
 queftion prefente ; cependant le confeil de confcience confiderant 
 d^un cote, que le raifonnement des theologiens eft uniquement fondi 
 fur une ralfon de convenance, Sf que la deffenfe des rituels fuppofe 
 que Uon ne peut baptifer immediatement les enfans ainfi ren- 
 fermes dans lefein de leurs meres, ce qui eft contre la fuppofition 
 jprefente ; S)- d'un autre cote, confderant que les memes theologiens 
 enfeignent, que Von peut rifquer les facremens que Jefus Chrift 
 a ttablis comme des moi/ejis faciles, mais neceffaires pour fane- 
 iifier les hommes; Sf d^ ailleurs ejlimant, que les eifans renfermes 
 dans le fein de leurs meres, pourroient etre capablcs de falut, par^ 
 cequils font capables de damnation ; — pour ces confide rations^ 
 4* en egard d Vexpofe^fuivant lequel on affure avoir trouve un 
 moyen certain de baptifer ces enfans ainji renfermes, fans fair c 
 vucun tort d la mere, le Confeil cftime que Von pourroit fe fervir 
 du 7noyen propofe. dans la confance quil a, que Dieu n a point 
 laiffe ces fortes d'enfans fansaucuns fccours, Sf fuppofant, comme 
 il eft expofe, que le moyen dont il sagit eft propre d leur pro- 
 curer le bapteme ; cependant comme il s^agiroit, en autorifant la 
 pratique propofee, de changer une regie univerfellement etablie, 
 le Confeil croit que celui qui confulte doit saddreffer d fon 
 eveque, tV d qu'ilil apparticnt dejugerde Viitilite, du danger 
 du moyen propofe, S)- comme, fous le bon plaifir de Veveque, le 
 Confeil eftime qu il fuudroit recourir au Pape, que a le droit 
 d'expliquer le regies de Veglife, Sf d'y deroger dans le cas, ou la 
 hi ne f^auroit obligrr, quelque fage quelque utile que paroiffe 
 la 7naniere de baptifer dont il sagit, le Confeil ne pourroit V ap- 
 prover fans k concours dc ces deux mtorites. On Confeile au 
 
 inoin^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. (fg 
 
 Mr. Triftram Shandy s compliments to Meflrs. 
 Le Moyne, De Romigny, and De Marcilly ; hopes 
 they all refted well the night after lb tirelbme a 
 confultation. — He begs to know, whether, after the 
 ceremony of marriage, and before that of confum- 
 mation, the baptizing all the Homuncidi at once, 
 ftapdafb, by tnje5lion^ would not be a fliorter and 
 fafer cut ftill ; on condition, as above. That if the 
 Homunculi do well, and come fafe into the world 
 after this, that each and every of them fhall be 
 baptized again (^fous condition) — And provided, in 
 the fecond place, That the thing can be done, which 
 Mr. Shandy apprehends it may, par le moyen dune 
 petite canulle, and Jans faire auctin tort aufere ? 
 
 It is a terrible misfortune for this fame book of 
 mine, but more fo to the Republic of Letters; — 
 fo that my own is quite fwallowed up in the confi- 
 
 deration 
 
 moins a celui qui confuJte, de s^addrejjer h fan etcquc, S^- de lui 
 faire part de la prefevte deci/ion, ajin que,Ji le prelat cntre dans 
 les raij'ons fur lefquelles les doCieurs fouffi^nes s appiiyent ^ ilpuiffe 
 etre autorife, dans le cas de iiecefite^ on il rfqueroit trop d'atten- 
 dre que la permijjionfut demandee Sf accordee d' employer le way en 
 qu 'tl propofe Ji avantageux au falut de V enfant. An rejie, le 
 Confeih €n ejlimant que Uon pour reit sen fervir, croif ccpendant, 
 que fi les eifans dont il sagit, venoient au monde, confre Vefpe^ 
 ranee de ceux qui fe feroient fervis du nteme moyen, ilferoit ne- 
 cejjaire de les baptifer fou.s condition ; en cela le Confeil fe 
 L'onforme a tons les rituels, qui en autorifant le hapteme d'un 
 enfant qui fait paroitre quelqne partie defon corps, enjoignent 
 neantmoins, 4' ardonncnt de le baptifer foiis condition, s'll vient 
 keureufement au monde. 
 
 Delibereen Sorbonne, le 10 Avril, 1733, 
 
 L. DE ROMIGNY, 
 PE MARCILLY, 
 
70 THE LIFE ANJD OPINIONS 
 
 deration of it, — that this felf-fame vile pruriency 
 for frefh adventures in all things, has got fo ftrongly 
 into our habit and humour, — ^and fo wholly intent 
 are we upon fatisfying the impatience of our concu- 
 pifcence that way, — that nothing but the grofs and 
 more carnal parts of a compofition will go down : 
 " — the fubtle hints and fly communications of fcience 
 
 fly off, hke fpirits upwards, the heavy moral 
 
 efcapes downwards ; and both the one and the other 
 are as much loft to the world, as if they were ftill 
 left in the bottom of the ink-horn. 
 
 I wifh the male-reader has not pafs'd by many 
 a one, as quaint and curious as this one, in w^hich 
 the female-reader has been dete6ted. I wilh it 
 may have its efFeQ:s ; — and that all good people, 
 both male and female, from example, may be taught 
 to think as well as read. 
 
 CHAP. XXI. 
 
 1 WONDER what s ail that noife, and running 
 
 backwards and forwards for, above flairs ? quoth 
 my father, addrefling himfelf, after an hour and a 
 
 half's filence, to my uncle Toby, who, you mufl: 
 
 know, was fitting on the oppofite fide of the fire, 
 fmoking his focial pipe all the time, in mute con- 
 templation of a new pair of black plufh breeches 
 which he had got on : — ^What can they be doing, 
 brother ? — quoth my father, — we can fcarce hear 
 ourfelves talk. 
 
 I think, replied my uncle Toby, taking his pipe 
 from his mouth, and ftriking the head of it two or 
 
 tliree 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 71 
 
 three times upon the nail of his left thumb as he 
 
 be;:2:an his fentence,- 1 think, fays he, but to 
 
 enter rightly into my uncle Toby s fentiments upon 
 this matter, yoii muft be made to enter firft a little 
 into his charaCler, the outlines of which I ihall juft 
 give you, and then the dialogue between him and my 
 father will go on as well again. 
 
 Pray, what vras that man's name, — for I write 
 in fuch a hurry, I have no time to recolle6l or look 
 
 for it vv'ho firft made the obfervation, That 
 
 there wtiS great inconftancy in our air and cli- 
 mate "Whoever he was, 'twas a juft and good 
 obfervation in him. — But the corollary dra^vn from 
 it namelv, " That it is this which has furnifhed us 
 with fuch a variety of odd and whimfical cha- 
 rafters f- — that was not his ; — it was found out 
 by another man, at leaft a century and a half after 
 him,. Then again, — That this copious ftore-houie 
 of original materials, is the true and natural caufe 
 that our comedies are fo much better than thofe of 
 Trance, or any others that either have, or can be 
 w rote upon the Continent :— that difcovery was 
 iiot fully made till about the middle of King V/il- 
 iiam's reign, — when the great Dryden, in writing 
 one of his long prefaces (if I miftake not) moft for- 
 tunately hit upon it. Indeed toward the latter end 
 of Queen Anne, the great Addifun began to patro- 
 iiize the notion, and more fully explained it to the 
 world in one or two of his Spefilators ; — but the 
 difcovery was not his. — Then, fourthly and ktfdy, 
 That this ftrange irregularity in our climate, produc- 
 ing fo ftrange an irregularity in our charafters^ 
 
 r 4 doth 
 
/2 THE LIFE AND OPNIIONS 
 
 doth thereby, in fome fort, make us amends, by giv- 
 ing us fomewhat to make us merry with when the 
 weather will not luffer us to go out of doors — that 
 obfervation is my own ; — and was ftruck out by 
 me this very rainy day, March 26, 1759, and be- 
 twixt the hours of nine and ten in the mornino^. 
 
 Thas — thus, my fellow-labourers and aflbciates 
 in this great harveft of our learning, now ripening 
 before our eyes ; thus it is, by flow fteps of cafual 
 increafe, that our knowledge phyfical, metaphyfical, 
 phyfiological, polemical, nautical, mathematical, 
 aenigmatical, technical, biographical, romantical, 
 chemical, and obltetrical, with fifty other branches 
 of it (moft of em ending as thefe do, in ical) have 
 for thefe two laft centuries and more, gradually been 
 creeping upwards towards that 'Axjuii of their per- 
 fe6lions, from which, if we may form a conjeclure 
 from the advances of thefe laft feven years, we can- 
 not poffibly be far off. 
 
 When that happens, it is to be hoped, it will put 
 an end to all kind of writings whatfoever ; — the 
 w^ant of all kind of writing will put an end to all 
 kind of reading ; — and that in time, — j^s war begets 
 poverty ; poverty peace, — muft, in courfe, put an end 
 
 to all kind of knowledge,- — and then w^e fliall 
 
 have all to begin over again ; or, in other words, be 
 exaftly where we fiarted. 
 
 H^^PPy ! thrice happy times ! I only wifl^i 
 
 that the aera of my begetting, as well as the mode 
 
 and manner of it, had been a little alter d, or 
 
 that it could have been put off, with any convenience 
 to my father or mother, for fome twenty or five-and- 
 
 twenty 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 73 
 
 twenty years longer, when a man in the literary 
 
 wwld might have itood fome chance. • 
 
 But I forget my uncle Toby, whom all this while 
 we have left knocking the afhes out of his tobacco- 
 
 His humour was of that particular fpecies, which 
 does honour to our atmofphere ; and I fliould have 
 made no fcruple of ranking him amongft one of the 
 firft-rate productions of it, had not there appeared 
 too many ftrong lines in it of a family-likcnefs, 
 which fhewed that he derived the Angularity of his 
 temper more from blood, than either wind or water, 
 or any modifications or combinations of them what- 
 ever : And I have, therefore, oft-times wondered, 
 that my father, tho' I believe he had his reafons for 
 it, upon his obferving fome tokens of eccentricity in 
 my courfe when I was a boy, — fliould never once 
 endeavour to account for them in this way : for all 
 the Shandy Family were of an original charafiler 
 
 throughout : 1 mean the males, — the females 
 
 had no chara6ter at all, — except, indeed, my great 
 aunt Dinah, who, about fixty years ago, w^as mar- 
 ried and got with child by the coachman, for which 
 my father, according to his hypothefis of chriftian 
 names, would often fay. She might thank her god- 
 fathers and godmothers. 
 
 It will feem very ftrange, and I would as 
 
 foon think of dropping a riddle in the readers 
 way, which is not my intereft to do, as fet him upon 
 gueffing how it could come to pals, that an event of 
 this kind, fo many years after it h^d happened, 
 Hiould be referved for the interruption of the peace 
 
 and 
 
74 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and unity, T^liich other^vife lo cordially fubfifted, 
 bet\^'een my father and my uncle Tob}^ One would 
 have thought, that the whole force of the misfortune 
 fliould have fpent and wafted itielf in the family at 
 firft;, — as is generaliy the cafe. — But nothing ever 
 wTOught'with our family after the ordinary way. 
 Polfibly at the very time this happened, it might 
 have fomething ^^Ife to afRiSl it ; and as aiRiftions 
 are fent down for our good, and that as this had 
 never done the Shandy Family any good at all^ it 
 might lie waiting till apt times and circumftances 
 fiiould give it an opportunity to difcharge its office. 
 
 . Obferve, I determine nothing upon this. 
 
 My way is ever to point out to the curious, different 
 tra&s of inveliigation, to come at the firft fprings of 
 the events I tell ; — not with a pedantic Fefcue, — 
 or in the decifivc manner of Tacitus, who outwits 
 iiiffifelf and his reader ; — ^but with the officious hu- 
 mility of a heart devoted to the afliftance merely 
 
 of the inquifitive : — to them I write^ and by 
 
 them I iliali be read, if any fdch reading as this 
 
 could be fbppoledto hold out lb long, — to the very 
 end of the world. 
 
 Why this caufe of lorrow, therefore, was thus 
 referved for my father and uncle, is undetermined 
 by me. But how and in what direclion it exerted 
 itfelf fo as to become the cauie of diflktisfaction 
 betw een them, after it began to operate, is what I 
 am able to explain Avith great exactnefs, and is as 
 follows : 
 
 ]My uncle, Toby Shandy, Madam, was a gen- 
 tlcmaU; who/ with the virtues which ufually confii- 
 
 tute 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 75 
 
 tute the charafter of a man of honour and reSlitude, 
 — — poffefled one in a very eminent degree, which 
 is feldom or never put into the catalogue ; and that 
 was a moft extreme and unparallel'd modefty of 
 
 nature: though I corre6l the word Nature, for 
 
 this reafon, that I may not prejudge a point which 
 muft fliortly come to a hearing, and that is, Whe- 
 ther this modefty of his was natural or acquired ? 
 
 Whichever way my uncle Toby came by it, 
 
 'twas neverthelefs modefty in the trueft fenle of it ; 
 and that is. Madam, not in regard to words, for 
 he was fo unhappy as to have very little choice in 
 
 them, — but to things ; and this kind of modefty 
 
 fo polTelTed him, and it arofe to fuch a height in 
 him, as almoft to equal, if lucli a thing could be, 
 even the modefty of a woman : that female nicety, 
 Madam, and inward cleanlinefs of mind and 
 fancy, in your fex, which makes you fo much the 
 awe of ours. 
 
 You will imagine. Madam, that my uncle Toby 
 had contracted all this from this very fource; — • 
 that he had fpent a great part of his time in con- 
 verfe with your fex; and that, from a thorough 
 knowledge of you, and the force of imitation, which 
 fuch fair exam^ples render irrefiftible, he had ac- 
 quired this amiable turn of mind. 
 
 I wifh I could fay fo ; — for unlefs it was with his 
 
 fifter- in-law, my father s wife and my mother, 
 
 my uncle Toby fcarce exciianged three words with 
 the fex in as many years. — No ; he got it, Madam, 
 
 by a blow. — A blow!- Yes, Madam, it was 
 
 owing to a blow from a ftone, broke off* by a bail 
 
 from 
 
76 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 from the parapet of a horn-work at the fiege of 
 Namur, which ftruck full upon my uncle Toby's 
 groin. — Which way could that effcGt it? — The ftory 
 of that, Madam, is long and interefting ; — but it 
 would be running my hiftory all upon heaps to give 
 
 it you here. 'Tis for an epifode hereafter ; and 
 
 every circumftance relating to it, in its proper place, 
 fhall be faithfully laid before you : — Till then, it is 
 not in my power to give farther light into this mat- 
 ter, or fay more, than what I have laid already. 
 
 That my uncle Toby was a gentleman of unparallel'd 
 modefty, which happening to be fomewhat fubtilized 
 and rarefied by the conftant heat of a little family- 
 pride, they both fo wrought together within 
 
 him, that he could never bear to hear the affair of 
 my aunt Dinah touch'd upon, but with the greateft 
 
 emotion. The leaft hint of it was enough to 
 
 make the blood fly into his face ;— but when my 
 father enlarged upon the ftory in mixed companies, 
 which the illuftration of his hypothefis frequently 
 obliged him to do,- — the unfortunate blight of one 
 of the faireft branches of the family, would fet my 
 unele Toby's honour and modefty o' bleeding ; and 
 he would often take my father afide, in the greateft 
 concern imaginable, to expoftulate and tell him, he 
 would give him any thing in the world, only to let 
 the ftory reft. 
 
 My father, I believe, had the trueft love and ten- 
 demeis for my uncle Toby, that ever one brother 
 bore towards another ; and v/ould have done any 
 thing in nature, which one brother in reafon could 
 have defired of another, to have made my uncle 
 
 Tobys 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 77 
 
 Toby s heart ealy in this, or any other point But 
 this lay out of his power. 
 
 My father, as I told you, was a philolbpher 
 
 in grain, — fpeculative, — fyftematical ; — and my 
 aunt Dinah's affair was a matter of as much con- 
 fequcnce to him, as the retrogradation of the planets 
 to Copernicus : — the backflidings of Venus in her 
 orbit fortified the Copernican lyftem, called fo after 
 his name ; and the backilidings of my aunt Dinah 
 in her orbit, did the fame fervice in eftabliftiing my 
 father s fyftem, which, I truft, will for ever hereafter 
 be called the Sha^^ dean System, after his. 
 
 In any other family-difhonour, my father, I be- 
 lieve, had as nice a fenfe of fliame as any m^m 
 
 whatever and neither he, nor, I dare . fay, 
 
 Copernicus would have divulged the affair in either 
 cafe, or have taken the leaft notice of it to the world, 
 bu^ for the obligations they owed, as they thought, 
 to truth. — Amicus Plato^ — my father W'Ould fay, 
 conftruing the words to my uncle Toby, as he w ent 
 along, Amicus Plato ; — that is, Dinah was my aunt ; 
 —fed magis am.ica Veritas — but Truth is my fifter. 
 
 This contrariety of humours betwixt my father 
 and my uncle, was the fource of many a fraternal 
 fquabble. The one could not bear to hear the tale 
 
 of family difgrace recorded, -and the other 
 
 would fcarce ever let a day pais to an end without 
 fome hint at it. 
 
 For God's fake, my uncle Toby would cry, — 
 
 and for my lake, and for all our fakes, my dear 
 brother Shandy, — do let this ftory of our aunt's 
 and her alhes fleep in peace.— How can you, — • 
 
 how 
 
78 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 how can you have fo Httle feeling and compafllon 
 
 for the charafier of our family ? What is the 
 
 charafter of a family to an hypothefis ? my father 
 
 would reply. Nay, if you come to that — what 
 
 ■ is the life of a family ? The life of a family ! — ■ 
 
 my uncle Toby would lay, throwing himfelf back 
 in his arm-chair, and lifting up his hands, his eyes, 
 
 and one leg. Yes, the life, -my father would 
 
 fay, maintaining his point. Hoav many thoufands 
 of em are there every year that come, caft away 
 
 (in all civilized countries at leaft) and confider- 
 
 ed as nothing but common air, in competition of 
 an hypothefis ! In my plain fenfe of things, my 
 
 uncleToby would anfvver, every fuch inftance 
 
 is downright Murder, let who will commit it. 
 
 There lies your miftake, my father would reply; 
 
 for, in Foro Scienti^ there is no fuch thins as 
 
 Murder ; 'tis only Death, brother. 
 
 My uncle Toby would never offer to anfwer this 
 by any other kind of argument than that of whift- 
 
 ling half a dozen bars of Lillebullero. You 
 
 muft know, it was the ufaal channel thro' which his 
 paffions got vent, when any thing fhocked or fur- 
 prized him : but efpecially when any things 
 
 which he deem'd very abfard, was offered. 
 
 As not one of our logical writers, nor any of the 
 commentators upon them, that I remember, have 
 thought proper to give a name to this particular 
 fpecies of argument, — I here take the liberty to do 
 it myfelf, for two reafJ^ns : firft. That, in order to 
 prevent all confufion in difputes, it may ftand as 
 much diftinguiflied for everj from every other fpecies 
 
 of 
 
OF tristra:j shandy. 79 
 
 of argiuiient as the Arguraentum adVencundiam^ 
 
 ex Ahjurdo, ex Fortiori, or any. other argument 
 whatfoever.: — and, feconclly, That it may be faid 
 by my children s children, when my head is laid to 
 
 yeft, -that their learnVi grandfather's head had 
 
 been bufied to as much purpofc once, as other 
 people's — That he had invented a name,— and 
 lyenerouily thrown it into the Treafury of the Ars 
 Logica^ for one of the moft unanfwerable arguments 
 in the whole Icience : and, if the end of dilputatiou 
 is more to filence than convince, — they may add, 
 if they pleale, — to one of the beft arguments too. 
 
 I do therefore, by thefe prefents, ftriftiy order and 
 command, That it be knovrn and diftinguiilied by 
 the name and tide of the Argumentum Fiftula- 
 toriiim, and no other; — and that it rank hereafter 
 with the Argumentum Bactdinura and the Argu- 
 ment lan ad Crumenam^ and for ever hereafter be 
 treated of in the fame cluipter. 
 
 As for the Argumentum Tripe dium-, w^hich is 
 never ufed but by the woman againft the man; — - 
 and the Argumentum ad Rem., w-^iich, contrarywife^ 
 is made ufe of by the man only againft the w^oman : 
 — as thefe two are enough in confcience for one 
 
 lecture ; and, moreover, as the one is the beft 
 
 aniwer to the other, — let them likewife be kept 
 apart, and be treated of in a place by themfelves» 
 
 C K AP. XXII. 
 
 THE learned Biiliop Hall, I mean the famous 
 Dr. Jofeph Hall, who was Eiiliop of Exeter in 
 King James the Firft s reign, tells us in one of his 
 
 Decades, 
 
80 THE LIFE AND OPINIOlS^S 
 
 Decades, at the end of his Divine Art of Medi- 
 tation, imprinted in London, in the year 1610, by 
 John Beal, dvvelHng in Alderfgate-ftreet, That 
 
 it is an abominable thins; for a man to com- 
 mend himfelf — —and I really think it is fo. 
 
 And yet, on the other hand, when a thing is 
 executed in a mafterly kind of a fafliion, which 
 thing is not likely to be found out; — I think it is 
 full as abominable, that a man fhould lofe the 
 honour of it, and go out of the world with the con- 
 ceit of it rotting in his head. 
 
 This is precifely my fituation. 
 
 For in this long digreffion which I was acciden 
 tally led into, as in all my digreffions (one only ex- 
 cepted) there is a mafter-ftroke of digreffive Ikill^ 
 the merit of which has all along, I fear, been over- 
 looked by my reader, — not for want of penetra- 
 tion in him, — but becaufe 'tis an excellence feldom 
 looked for, or expefted indeed, in a digreffion ; — 
 and it is this : That, tho' my digreflions are all 
 fair, as you obferve, — and that I fly off from what 
 I am about, as far, and as often too, as any writer 
 in Great Britain, — yet I conftantly take care to 
 order atFairs fo, that my main bufmefs does not 
 ftand ftill in my abfence. 
 
 I was juft going, for example, to have given you 
 the great outlines of my uncle Toby's moft whim- 
 fical charafter; — when my aunt Dinah and the 
 coachman came acrofs us, and led us a vagary fome 
 millions of miles into the very heart of the plane- 
 tary fyftem : notwithitanding all this, you perceive 
 tliat the drawing of my uncle Toby's charafter 
 
 went 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 8 1 
 
 went on gently all the time ; — not the great con- 
 tours of it, — that was impoffible, — but Ibme fami- 
 liar ftrokes and faint defignations of it, were here 
 and there touch'd on, as he went along, fo that you 
 are much better acquainted with my uncle Toby 
 now than you was before. 
 
 By this contrivance, the machinery of niy work 
 is of a fpecies by itfelf ; two contrary motions are 
 introduced into it, and reconciled, which were 
 thought to be at variance with each other. In a 
 word, my work is digreffive, and it is progreflive 
 too, — -and at the fame time. 
 
 This, Sir, is a very different ftory from that of 
 the earth's moving round her axis in her diurnal 
 rotation, with her progrefs in her elliptic orbit, 
 which brings about the year, and conftitutes that 
 variety and viciffitude of feafons we enjoy ;^ — though 
 I own it fuggefted the thought, — as I believe the 
 greateft of our boafted improvements and difcove- 
 ries have come from fuch trifling hints. 
 
 Digreffions, inconteftably, are the funfliine ; 
 
 they are the life, the foul of reading ! — take them 
 out of this book, for inftance,— you might as well 
 take the book along with them ; — one cold eternal 
 winter would reign in every page of it; reftore 
 them to the writer ; — ^he fteps forth like a bride- 
 groom, — bids All-hail ; brings in variety, and for- 
 bids the appetite to fail. 
 
 All the dexterity is in the good cookery and 
 management of them, fo as to be not only for the 
 advantage of the reader, but alfo of the author, 
 whofe diftrefs in this matter is truly pitiable : for, 
 
 VOL.1. G if 
 
82 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 if he begins a digreflion, — from that moment, I 
 obferve, his whole work ftands ftock ftill; — and 
 if he goes on with his main work,^ — then there is 
 an end of his digreffion. 
 
 This is vile work. — For which reafon, 
 
 from the beginning of this, you fee, I have con- 
 ftrufted the main work, and the adventitious parts 
 of it, with fuch interfe£lions, and have lb com- 
 plicated and involved the digreffive and progreffive 
 movements, one wdieel within another, that the 
 whole machine, in general, has been kept 
 a-going; — and what's more, it fhall be kept 
 a-going thefe forty years, if it pleafes the fountain 
 of health to blefs me fo long with life and good 
 fpirits. 
 
 CHAP, XXIII. 
 
 I HAVE a ftrong propenfity in me to begiis 
 this chapter very nonfenfically ; and I w ill not 
 baulk my fancy : — accordingly I fet oif thus : 
 
 If the fixture of Momus's glafs in the human 
 breaft, according to the propofed emendation of 
 
 that arch critic, had taken place,— firft, This 
 
 foolifli confequence would certainly have fol- 
 lowed: — That the very wafeft and very graveft 
 of us all, in one coin or other, muft have paid 
 window-money every day of our lives; 
 
 And, fecondly, That had the faid -glafs been 
 there fet up, nothing more would have been 
 wanting, in order to have taken a man s charafter, 
 
 but 
 
OF TRISTRAM SPIANDY* 83 
 
 but to have taken a chair and gone foftly, as you 
 would to a dioptrical bee-hive, and look'd in, — - 
 viewed the foul ftark naked; — obferved all her 
 motions, — her machinations ; — traced all her mag- 
 gots from their firft engendering to their crawling 
 forth — watched her loofe in her frilks, her gambols, 
 her capricios ; and after fome notice of her more 
 folemn deportment, confequent upon fuch frilks, 
 
 &c. then taken your pen and ink and fet down 
 
 nothing but what you had feen, and could have 
 fworn to. — But this is an advantage not to be had 
 by the biographer in this planet; — in the planet 
 Mercury (belike) it may be fo; if not, better ftill 
 
 for him; for there, the intenfe heat of the 
 
 country, which is proved by computators, from its 
 vicinity to the fun, to be more than equal to that of 
 red-hot iron, — muft, I think, long ago have vitrified 
 the bodies of the inhabitants (as the efficient caufe) 
 to fuit them for the climate (which is the final 
 caufe) ; fo that, betwixt them both, all the tene- 
 ments of their fouls, from top to bottom, may be 
 nothing elfe, for aught the foundeft philofophy 
 can ftiew to the contrary, but one fine tranfparent 
 body of clear glafs (bating the umbilical knot) (fo 
 that, till the inhabitants grow old and tolerably 
 wrinkled, whereby the rays of light, in paffing 
 
 through them, become fo monftroufly refrafted,- • 
 
 or return reflefted from their lurfaces in fuch 
 tranlverle lines to the eye, that a man cannot be 
 feen through,- — his foul might as w^ell, unlefs for 
 mere ceremony, or the trifling advantage w^hich 
 the umbilical point gave her,— might, upon all 
 
 G 2 other 
 
84 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Other accounts, I lay, as well play the fool out 
 o' doors as in her own houfe. 
 
 But this, as I faid above, is not the cafe of the 
 inhabitants of this earth; — our minds Ihine not 
 through the body, — but are wrapt up here in a 
 dark covering of uncryftalized flelh and blood; 
 fo that, if we would come to the fpecific cha- 
 racters of them, we muft go fome other way to 
 work. 
 
 ' Many, in good truth, are the ways which hu- 
 man wit has been forced to take, to do this thing 
 with exaftnefs. 
 
 Some, for inftance, draw all their charafters 
 with wind-inftruments. — Virgil takes notice of that 
 w^ay in the affair of Dido and iEneas ; — but it is 
 as fallacious as the breath of fame; — and, more- 
 over, befpeaks a narrow genius. I am not ignorant 
 that the Italians pretend to a mathematical exacl- 
 nefs in their defignations, of one particular fort of 
 character among them, from the forte or piano of a 
 certain wind-inltrument they ufe, — which they fay 
 is infaUible." — I dare not mention the name of the 
 inftrument in this place ; — 'tis fufficient we have it 
 amongft us,— but never think of making a drawing 
 by it: — this is a^nigmatical, and intended to be fo, 
 at leaft adpopulum: — and therefore, I beg, IVIadam, 
 when you come here, that you read on as faft as 
 you can, and never ftop to make any inquiry 
 about it. 
 
 There are others again, who will draw a man s 
 character from no other helps in the world, but 
 merely from his evacuations ; — but this often gives 
 
 a very 
 
or TRISTRAM SHAK-DY. 85 
 
 a very incorreO; outline, — unlefs, indeed, you take 
 a (ketch of his repletions too; and by correcting 
 one drawing from the other, compound one good 
 figure out of them both. 
 
 I fliould have no objection to this method, 
 but that I think it muft fmell too ftrong of the 
 lamp, — and be render'd ftill more operofe, by 
 forcing you to have an eye to the reft of his non- 
 naturals. ^ Why the moft natural actions of a 
 
 man's life fhould be called his Non-naturals, — is 
 another queftion. 
 
 There are others, fourthly, who difdain every 
 one of thefe expedients ; — not from any fertility 
 of their own, but from the various ways of doing 
 it, which they have borrowed from the honour- 
 able devices which the Pentagraphic Brethren^' ^ 
 of the brulh have ihewn in taking copies. — Thefe, 
 you muft know, are your great hiftorians. 
 
 One of thefe you will fee drawing a full length 
 character againft the light \ — that's illiberal, — 
 diflioneft, — and hard upon the character of the 
 man who fits. 
 
 Others, to mend the matter, will make a draw- 
 ing of you in the Camera ; — that is moft unfair of 
 all, becaufe, there you are lure to be reprefented 
 in fome of your moft ridiculous attitudes. 
 
 To avoid all and every one of thefe errors in 
 giving you my uncle Toby's character, I am de- 
 termined to draw it by no mechanical help what- 
 ever;- nor fliall my pencil be guided by any 
 
 * Pentagraph, an inflrument to copy Prints and Pictures 
 mechanically, and in any proportion. 
 
 03 one 
 
86 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 one wind-inftrument which ever was blown upon, 
 either on this, or on the other fide of the Alps ; — - 
 nor will I confider either his repletions or his dif- 
 charges, — or touch upon his non-naturals ; but, in 
 a word, I will draw my uncle Toby's charafter 
 from his Hobby-Hokse. 
 
 CHAP. XXIV. 
 
 IF I w^as not morally fure that the reader 
 muft be out of all patience for my uncle Toby's 
 character, — I w^ould here previoufly have con- 
 vinced him that there is no initrument fo fit to 
 draw fuch a thing with, as that which I have pitched 
 upon. 
 
 A man and his Hobby-Horse, tho' I cannot 
 fay that they aQ: and re-aft exaftly after the fame 
 manner in which the foul and body do upon each 
 other; yet, doubtlefs, there is a communication 
 between them of fome kind; and my opinion 
 rather is, that there is fomething in it more of the 
 manner of eleStrified bodies ; — and that, by means 
 of the heated parts of the rider, which come im- 
 mediately into contaftwith the Hobby-Horse, — 
 by long journies and much friftion, it fo happens, 
 that the body of the rider is at length fiU'd as full 
 
 of HoBBY-HoRsiCAL matter as it can hold; 
 
 fo that if you are able to give but a clear defcription 
 of the nature of the one, you may form a pretty 
 cxaQ: notion of the genius and character of the 
 other. 
 
 Now the Hobby-Horse which my uncle Toby 
 
 always 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. §7 
 
 always rode upon, was, in my opinion, an Hobby- 
 Horse well worth giving a delbription of, if it 
 was Qnly upon the fcore of his great Angularity ; — 
 for you might have travelled from York to Dover, — • 
 from Dover to Penzance in Cornwall, and from 
 Penzance to York back again, and not have feen 
 fuch another upon the road ; or if you had feen 
 fuch a one, whatever hafte you had been in, you 
 muft infallibly have ftopp'd to have taken a view 
 of him. Indeed, the gait and figure of him was 
 fo ftrange, and fo utterly unlike was he, from his 
 head to his tail, to any one of the whole fpecies, 
 that it was now and then made a matter of dis- 
 pute, — whether he was really a Hobby-Horse or 
 no : but as the philofopher W'Ould ufe no other 
 argument to the fceptic, who difputed with him 
 againft the reality of motion, fave that of rifiog up 
 upon his legs, and walking acrofs the room; — fo 
 would my uncle Toby ufe no other argument to 
 prove his Hobby-Horse was a Hobby-Horse 
 indeed, but by getting upon his back and riding 
 him about; — leaving the world, after that, to de- 
 termine the point as it thought fit. 
 
 In good truth, my uncle Toby mounted him 
 with fo much pleafure, and he carried my uncle 
 
 Toby lb well,,^ that he troubled bis head very 
 
 little Avith what the world either faid or thought 
 about it. 
 
 It is now high time, however, that I give you a 
 defcription of him : — but to go on regularly, I 
 only beg you will give me leave to accquaint you 
 firft;, how my uncle Toby came by him. 
 
 G 4 
 
88 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXV. 
 
 THE wound in my uncle Toby's groin, which 
 he received at the fiege of Namur, rendering him 
 unfit for the fervice, it was thought expedient he 
 ftiould return to England, in order, if poffible, to be 
 fet to rights. 
 
 He was four years totally confined, — part of it 
 to his bed, and all of it to his room : and in the 
 courfe of his cure, which was all that time in hand, 
 fuffer'd unfpeakable miferies, — owing to a fucceffion 
 of exfoliations from the os puhis^ and the outward 
 edge of that part of the coxendix^ called the os 
 
 illium; both which bones were difmally crufh'd, 
 
 as much by the irregularity of the ftone, which I- 
 told you was broke off the parapet, — as by its 
 fize, — (though it was pretty large) which inclined 
 the furgeon all along to think, that the great injury 
 which it had done my uncle Toby s groin, was 
 more owing to the gravity of the ftone itfelf, than 
 to the projefilile force of it ; — which he w^ould often 
 tell him was a great happinefs. 
 
 My father at that - time was juft beginning 
 bufmefs in London, and had taken a houfe; — and 
 as the trueft friendfnip and cordiality fubfifted 
 between the two brothers, — and that my father 
 thought my uncle Toby could nowhere be fo well 
 nurfed and taken care of as in his own houfe, — 
 he affign'd him the very beft apartment in it : — and, 
 what was a much more fincere mark of his affec- 
 tion ftill, he would never fufier a friend or an ac- 
 quaintance 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 quaintance to ftep into the houle on any occafion, 
 but he would take him by the hand, and lead him 
 up ftairs to fee his brother Toby, and chat an hour 
 by his bed-fide. 
 
 The hiftory of a foldier s wound beguiles the pain 
 of it; — my uncle's vifitors at leaft thought fo; and 
 in their daily calls upon him, from the courtefy 
 arifing out of that belief, they vv^ould frequently 
 turn the difcourfe to that fubjeft; — and from that 
 fubjecl the difcourfe would generally roll on to the 
 fiege itfelf 
 
 Thefe converfations w^ere infinitely kind; and 
 my uncle Toby received great relief from them, 
 and would have received much more but that they 
 brought him into fome unforefeen perplexities, 
 which, for three months together, retarded his cure 
 greatly ; and if he had not hit upon an expedient 
 to extricate himfelf out of them, I verily believe 
 they would have laid him in his grave. 
 
 What thefe perplexities of my uncle Toby 
 
 were, 'tis impoffible for you to guefs : — if you 
 
 could, — I fhould blufli ; not as a relation, — not as 
 a man, — nor even as a woman, — but I fhould 
 blufh as an author ; inafmuch as I fet no fmall 
 Itore by myfelf upon this very account, that my 
 reader has never yet been able to guefs at any 
 thing : and in this. Sir, I am of fo nice and fingular 
 a humour, that if I thought you w^as able to form 
 the leaft judgment, or probable conjefilure to your- 
 felf of what was to come m the next page, — I would 
 tear it out of my book. 
 
[ 90 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 I HAVE begun a new book, on purpofe that 
 I might have room enough to explain the na- 
 ture of the perplexities in which my uncle Toby 
 was involved, from the many difcourfes and in- 
 terrogations about the fiege of Nam.ur, where 
 he received his wound. 
 
 I muft remind the reader, in cafe he has read 
 the hiftory of King William's wars ; — but if he has 
 not, — I then inform him that one of the moft 
 memorable attacks in that fiege, was that which 
 was made by the Englifh and Dutch upon the 
 point of the advanced counter-fcarp, between the 
 gate of St. Nicholas, which inclofed the great 
 fluice or water-ftop, where the Englifh were 
 terribly expofed to the fliot of the counter-guard 
 and demi-baftion of St. Roch : the iffue of which 
 hot difpute, in three words, \ias this : That the 
 Dutch lodged themfelves upon the counter-guard — • 
 and that the Englifli made themfelves mafters 
 
 of 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 Tapdcra-Ei rig ^AvOpcoTrag ^ rd TipdyiiaToCy 
 
 VOL. II, ORIG, EiDIT. 
 
TRISTRAM SHANDY. 9I 
 
 of the covered way before St. Nicholas-gate, not- 
 withftanding the gallantry of the French officers, 
 who expofed themfelves upon the glacis fword in 
 hand. 
 
 As this w^as the principal attack of which my 
 
 uncle Toby was an eye-witnefs at Namur, the 
 
 army of the befiegers being cut off, by the conflu- 
 ence of the Maes and Sambre, from feeing much 
 
 of each other's operations, -my uncle Toby 
 
 was generally more eloquent and particular in his 
 account of it ; and the many perplexities he was in, 
 arofe out of the almoft infurmountable difficulties 
 he found in telUng his ftory intelligibly, and giving 
 fuch clear ideas of the diffi3rences and diftinfilions 
 between the fcarp and counter-fcarp, — the glacis 
 and covered way, — the half-moon and ravelin,— 
 as to make his company fully comprehend where 
 and what he w^as about. 
 
 Writers themfelves are too apt to confound thefe 
 terms ; fo that you will the lefs wonder, if in his 
 endeavours to explain them, and in oppofition to 
 many mifconceptions, that my uncle Toby did 
 oft-times puzzle his vifitors, and fometimes himfelf 
 too. 
 
 To fpeak the truth, unlefs the company my 
 father led up ftairs were tolerably clear-headed, or 
 my uncle Toby was in one of his explanatory 
 moods, 'twas a difficult thing, do what he could, to 
 keep the difcourfe free from obfcurity. 
 
 What rendered the account of this affair the 
 more intricate to my uncle Toby, was this,^ — that 
 in the attack of the counter-fcarp, before the gate 
 
 of 
 
92 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of St. Nicholas, extending itfelf from the bank of 
 the Maes, quite up the great water-ftop, — the 
 ground was cut and crols cut with fuch a multitude 
 of dykes, drains, rivulets, and fluices, on all fides, 
 ■ — and he would get fo fadly bewildered, and fet 
 faft amongft them, that frequently he could neither 
 get backwards or forwards to fave his life ; and 
 was oft-times obliged to give up the attack upon 
 that very account only. 
 
 Thefe perplexing rebuffs gave my uncle Toby 
 Shandy more perturbations than you would ima- 
 gine ; and as my father's kindnefs to him w^as con- 
 tinually dragging up frefh friends and frefti en- 
 quirers, he had but a very uneafy tafic of it. 
 
 No doubt my uncle Toby had great command 
 of himfelf, — and could guard appearances, I be- 
 lieve, as w ell as moft men yet, any one may 
 imagine, that when he could not retreat out of the 
 ravelin without getting into the half-moon, or get 
 out of the covered w^ay without falling down the 
 counter-fcarp, nor crofs the dyke without danger 
 of flipping into the ditch, but that he muft have 
 fretted and fumed inwardly. — He did fo ; — and the 
 little and hourly vexations, which may feem trifling 
 and of no account to the man w ho has not read 
 Hippocrates ; yet, whoever has read Hippoci:ates, 
 or Dr. James 'JVIackenzie, and has confidered well 
 the eftefts which the paffions and affections of the 
 mind have upon the digeftion — (Why not of a 
 wound as well as of a dinner?) — may eafily con- 
 ceive what fliarp paroxyfms and exacerbations of 
 
 his 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAlSTDYw . ^3 
 
 his wound my uncle Toby muft have undergone 
 upon that fcorje only. 
 
 My uncle Toby could not philofophize upon 
 
 it- — 'twas enough he felt it fo : — and havirg fuf- 
 tained the pain and forrows of it for three months 
 together, he was refolved, fome way or other, to 
 extricate himfelf. 
 
 He was one morning lying upon his back in his 
 bed, the anguifli and nature of the wound upon his 
 groin fuffering him to lie in no other pofition, m hen 
 a thought came into his head, that if he could pur- 
 chafe fuch a thing and have it palled dow^n upon a 
 board, as a large map of the fortification of the town 
 and citadel of Namur, with its environs, it might 
 be a means of giving him eafe. — I take notice of 
 his defire to have the environs along with the town 
 and citadel, for this reafon, — becaufe my uncle 
 Toby's w^ound was got in one of the traverfes, about 
 thirty toifes from the returning angle of the trench, 
 oppofite to the falient angle of tlie demibaftion of 
 
 St. Roch : fo that he was pretty confident he 
 
 could ftick a pin upon the indentical fpot of ground 
 w'here he was ftanding w hen tlie ftone ftruck him. 
 
 All this fucceeded to his wdfties ; and not only 
 freed him from a world of fad explanations, but, in 
 the end, it proved the happy means, as you will 
 read, of procuring my uncle Toby his Hobby- 
 
 HORSE. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 THERE is nothing fo foolifli, when you are at 
 tHiC expence of making an entertainment of this 
 
 kind. 
 
94 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 kind, as to order things fo badly, as to let your 
 critics and gentry of refined tafte run it down : nor 
 is there any thing fo likely to make them do it, as 
 that of leaving them out of the party, or, what is 
 full as offenfive, of beftowing your attention upon 
 the reft of your guefts in fo particular a way, as if 
 there was no fuch thing as a critic (by occupation) 
 at table. 
 
 ^ — I guard againft both ; for, in the firft place, 
 I have left half a dozen places purpofely open for 
 them; — and in the next place, I pay them all 
 court. — Gentlemen, I kifs your hands. I proteft, 
 no company could give me half the pleafure : — by 
 
 my foul, I am glad to fee you. 1 beg only you 
 
 will make no ftrangers of yourfelves, but fit down, 
 without any ceremony, and fall on heartily. 
 
 I faid I had left fix places, and I M^as upon the 
 point of carrying my complaifance fo far, as to 
 have left a feventh open for them, — and in this 
 very fpot I ftand on ; but being told by a critic 
 (tho' not by occupation, — but by nature) that I had 
 acquitted myfelf well enough, I fhall fill it up 
 direSlly, hoping, in the meantime, that I fhall be 
 able to make a great deal of more room next 
 year. 
 
 • ■ — How, in the name of wonder ! could 
 
 your uncle Toby, who, it feems, was a military 
 man, and whom you have reprefented as no fool, 
 be at the fame time fuch a confufed, pudding- 
 headed, muddle-headed fellow, as— Go look. 
 
 So, Sir Critic, I could have replied ; but I fcom 
 it, — 'Tis language unurbane^~and only befitting 
 
 the 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 the man who cannot give clear and fatisfallory 
 accounts of things, or dive deep enough into the 
 firft caufes of human ignorance and confufion. It 
 is, moreover the reply valiant, — and therefore I 
 rejefl: it ; for tho' it might have fuited my uncle 
 Toby s chara9:er as a foldier excellently well, — 
 and had he not accuftomed himfelf^ in fuch attacks, 
 to w4iiftle the Lillabullero, as he wanted no cou- 
 rage, 'tis the very anfwer he would have given; 
 3^t it would by no means have done for me. You 
 fee as plain as can be, that I write as a man of 
 erudition ; — that even my fimiles, my allufions, 
 my illuftrations, my metaphors, are erudite, — and 
 that I mult fuftain my character properly, and 
 contraft it properly too, — elfe w^hat w^ould become 
 
 of me? Why, Sir, I fliould be undone; — at 
 
 this very moment that I am going here to . fill up 
 one place againft a critic, — fliould have made 
 an opening for a couple. 
 
 -Therefore I anfwer thus : — 
 
 Pray, Sir, in all the reading w hich you have evei^ 
 read, did you ever read fuch a book as Locke s EfTay 
 
 upon the Human Underftanding? Don't anfwer 
 
 me raflily, — becaufe many, 1 know^, quotfe the book, 
 who have not read it, — and many have read it w^ho 
 underftand it not. — If either of thefe is your cafej 
 as I write to inftruQ;, I will tell you in three words 
 what the book is. — It is a hiftory.- — A hiftory ! of 
 w4io ? what? where? when? Dont hurry yourfel^ 
 
 ~ It is a hiftory-book. Sir (which may poffibly 
 
 recommend it to the world) of what pafles in a 
 man's own mind ; and if you w ill fay fo much of 
 
 the 
 
 0 
 
g6 THE LIFE AKD OPINXOXS 
 
 the book, and no more, believe me, you will 
 cut no contemptible figure in a metaphyfic circle. 
 But this by the way. 
 
 Now if you will venture to go along with me, and 
 look down into the bottom of this matter, it will be 
 found that the caufe of obfcurity and confufion in 
 the mind of a man, is threefold. 
 
 Dull organs, dear Sir, in the firft place. Se- 
 condly, Slight and tranfient impreffions made by 
 the objefts, when the faid organs are not dull: and 
 Thirdly, A memory like unto a fieve; not able to 
 retain what it has received. — Call down Dolly, 
 your chamber-maid, and I will give you my cap 
 and bell along with it, if I make not this matter fo 
 plain that Dolly herfelf fhould underftand it as well 
 
 as Malbranch. When Dolly has indited her 
 
 epiftle to Robin, and has thruft her arm into the 
 bottom of her pocket hanging by her right fide,— 
 take that opportunity to recolleft, that the organs 
 and faculties of perception can, by nothing in this 
 world, be fo aptly typified and explained as by that 
 one thing which Dolly's hand is in fearch of — 
 Your organs are not fo dull that I fliould inform 
 you, — 'tis an inch. Sir, of red feal-wm. 
 
 When this is melted and dropped upon the 
 letter, if Dolly fumbles too long for her thimble, till 
 the v» ax is over-hardened, it \yill not receive the 
 mark of her thimble from the ufual impulfe which 
 was M'ont to imprint it. Very w ell. If Dolly's 
 wax, for want of better, is bees-wax, or of a 
 temper too foft, — tho' it may receive, -~~it will not 
 hold the impreffioU; how hard foever Dolly thrufts 
 
 a^ainft 
 
Tq face f age 96. 
 
 LILLIBULLERCX 
 
 VOL. I. O 9 
 
MY UNCLE TOBY'S WIIISTLIL 
 LILLIBULLERO. 
 
 The Ballad to this tone, was written in the 
 ;^'ear 1686, 011 account of King James IL uouii- 
 lialing to the LieutenaiiGy of Ireland, General 
 Tail)Ot, new ly created Earl of Tyrconnel a furious 
 Papift, ^^ho had recommended himielf tx liis 
 bigotted mafter by his arbitrary treatment of llie 
 Proteftants in tlie preceding year, when oiAf 
 Lieutenant General; and whofe mbfeqnent con- 
 iluS fully juftilied his expefitations and their 
 fears. 
 
 This foolifh Ballad, treating the Papifts, and 
 chiefly the Iriih, in a very ridiculous manner^ liad 
 a burden, faid to be Irifii words, Lero, lero, 
 liilibuliero," and made an imprefiion on t!ie (King s) 
 army, more powerful than either the Philippics 
 pi Deniofthenes or Cicero. The whole army, and 
 at laft the people, both in city and countr}^, were 
 liiiging it perpetually. Perhaps never had fo llight 
 a thing fo great an effeCf, for it contiibuted not a 
 little towards the Revolution in i688.f 
 
 LiLLiBULLERO and BuLLEX-A-LAH, are faid 
 to have been the watch-words ufed am.onsr the 
 Irifli Papifts, in their maffacre of the Protelbmts 
 in 1641. 
 
 * See Percy's Reliques of Ancient EngliHi Poetry, 
 Tol. 2, page 358. 
 
 t See Bifhop Burnet's Hiftoi^ of bis own Times, and 
 King s State of the Proteftants in Ireland, 1G91, 4to. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAISTDY. 97 
 
 againft it : and, laft of all, Suppofmg the wax good, 
 and eke the thimble, but applied thereto in carelefs 
 halte, as her miftrefs rings the bell; — in any one of 
 thefe three cafes, the print left by the thimble will 
 be as unlike the prototype as a brafs-jack. 
 
 Now you muft underftand, that not one of thefe 
 was the true caufe of the confufion in my uncle 
 Toby s difcourfe ; and it is for that very reafon I 
 enlarge upon them fo long, after the manner of 
 great phyfiologifts, — to ihew the world, w^hat it did 
 not arife from. 
 
 What it did arife from, I have hinted above ; 
 and a fertile fource of obfcurity it is,— and ever 
 will be, — and that is, the unfteady ufes of words, 
 which have perplexed the cleareft and moft exalted 
 underftandings. 
 
 It is ten to one (at Arthur's) whether you have 
 ever read the literary hiftories of paft ages y — if 
 you have, what terrible battles, yclept logomachies^ 
 have they occalioned, and perpetuated with fo 
 much gall and ink-ihed, — that a good-natured man 
 cannot read the accounts of them without tears in 
 his eyes. 
 
 Gentle critic ! when thou haft weighed all this, 
 and confidered within thyfelf how much of thy own 
 knowledge, difcourfe, and converfation has been 
 peftered and difordered, at one time or other, by 
 this, and this only : — what a pudd^r and racket 
 in Councils about sV^a and uVoVatrK; and in the 
 Schools of the learned about power and about 
 fpirit ; — about eifences, and about quinteffences;-^ 
 about fubftancesp and about fpace; what con- 
 
 VOL. I, H fufion 
 
98 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 fafion in greater Theatres from words of little 
 
 o 
 
 meaning, and as indeterminate a fenfe ! when thou 
 conlidereft this, thou wilt not wonder at my uncle 
 Toby's perplexities, — thou wilt drop a tear of pity 
 upon his fcarp and his counterfcarp ; — his glacis 
 and his covered way ; — his ravelin and his half- 
 moon : 'twas not by ideas, — by Heaven : his life 
 was put in jeopardy by words. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 WHEN my uncle Toby got his map of Namur 
 to his mind, he began immediately to apply himfelf, 
 and with the utmoft diligence, to the ftudy of it; 
 for nothing being of more importance to him than 
 his recovery, and his recovery depending, as you 
 have read, upon the pafTions and afFeftions of his 
 mind, it behoved him to take the niceft care to 
 make himfelf fo far mafter of his fubje6t^ as to be 
 able to talk upon it without emotion. 
 
 In a fortnight s clofe and painful application, 
 which, by the bye, did my uncle Toby's wound, 
 upon his groin, no good, — he was enabled by the 
 help of fome marginal documents at the feet of 
 the, elephant, together with Gobefius's mihtary 
 architefilure ar^d pyroballogy, tranflated from the 
 Flemifti, to form his difcourfe with paflable per- 
 fpicuity ; and before he was two full months gone, — • 
 he was right eloquent upon it, and could make 
 not only the attack of the advanced counterfcarp 
 
 with great order; but having by that time gone 
 
 much 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. gg 
 
 much deeper into the art than what his firft motive 
 made neceflary, my uncle Toby was able to crofs 
 the Maes and Sambre; make diverfions as far as 
 Vauban s Hne, the abbey of Salfines, &c. and give 
 his vifitors as diftinft a hiftory of each of their 
 attacks as of that of the gate of St. Nicholas, 
 where he had the honour to receive his wound. 
 
 JBut defire of knowledge, like the thirft of riches, 
 increafes ever with the acquifition of it. The more 
 my uncle Toby pored over his map, the more he 
 took a liking to it !— by the fame procefs and 
 eleftrical affimilation, as I told you, through which 
 I ween the fouls of connoilTeurs themfeives, by 
 long fri6tion and incumbition, have the happinefe, 
 at length, to get all be-virtu'd, — be-pictured, — 
 be-butterflied, and be-fiddled. 
 
 The more my uncle Toby drank of this fweet 
 fountain of fcience, the greater w^as the heat and 
 impatience of his thirft; fo that before the firft 
 year of his confinem.ent had well gone round, there 
 was fcarce a fortified town in Italy or Flanders, of 
 which, by one means or other, he had not pro- 
 cured a plan, reading over as he got them, and 
 carefully collating therewith the hiftories of their 
 fieges, their demolitions, their improvements, and 
 new works, all which he would read with that 
 intenfe application and delight, that he would 
 forget himfelf, his wound, his confinement, his 
 dinner. 
 
 In the fecond year, my uncle Toby purchafed 
 Ramelli and Cataneo, tranflated from the Ita- 
 lian; — likewife Stevinus, Moraiis, the Chevalier 
 
 H 2 de 
 
100 THE LIFE AND OPINIOi^S 
 
 de Ville, Lorini, Coehorn, Sheeter, the Couht die 
 Pagon, the Marftial Vauban, Monf. Blondel, with 
 almoft as many more books of mihtary archi- 
 tecture as Don Quixotte was found to have of 
 chivalry, when the curate and barber invaded 
 his Ubrary. 
 
 Towards the beginning of the third year, which 
 was in Auguft, ninety-nine, my uncle Toby found 
 it neceflfary to underftand a Httle of projeCliles : — - 
 and having judged it beft to draw his knowledge 
 from the fountain-head, he began with N. Tarta- 
 dia, w ho it feems v/as the firft man who dete6ted 
 the impofition of a cannon-ball's doing all thatmif- 
 chief under the notion of a right line.— This, N. 
 Tartaglia proved, to my uncle Toby, to be an 
 impoffible thing* 
 
 Endlefs is the fearch of truth. 
 
 No fooner was my uncle Toby fatisfied w hich 
 road the cannon-ball did not go, but he was infen- 
 fibly led on, and refolved in his mind to inquire and 
 find out which road the ball did go : for which 
 purpofe he was obliged to fet off afrefti with old 
 Maltus, and ftudied him devoutly. ^ — He proceedegl 
 next to Galileo and Torricellius, w^herein, by cer- 
 tain geometrical rules, infallibly laid dow^n, he found 
 the precife path to be a Parabola, — or elfe an 
 Hyperbok,— and that the parameter, or latus rec- 
 tum^ of the conic feftion of the faid path, was to the 
 quantity and amplitude in a direO: ratio^ as the 
 whole line to the fine of double the angle of in- 
 cidence, formed by the breech upon an horizontal 
 
 plane ; — and that the femiparameter, ftop ! 
 
 my 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. lOl 
 
 my dear uncle Toby,- ftop ! — go not one foot 
 
 farther into this thorny and bewildered track ;— ^ 
 intricate are the fteps ! intricate are the mazes of 
 tliis labyrinth ! intricate are the troubles which 
 the purfuit of this bew itching phantom Knowledge 
 will bring upon thee. — O my uncle, — fly — fly, — fly 
 from it as from a ferpent ! -Is it fit -good- 
 natured man ! thou fhould'ft fit up, with the wound 
 upon thy groin, whole nights baking thy blood with 
 
 hectic w atchings ?- Alas ! 'twill exafperate thy 
 
 fymptoms, — check thy perfpirations — evaporate 
 thy fpirits — w^afte thy animal ftrength, — dry up thy 
 radical moifture, bring thee into a coftive habit of 
 body,— impair thy health, — and haften all the infir- 
 mities of thy old age. O my uncle ! my uncle 
 
 Toby ! 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 I WOULD not give a groat for that man's know- 
 ledge in pen-craft, who does not underftand this : 
 
 That the beft plain narrative in the world, 
 
 tacked very clofe to the laft Ipirited apoftrophe to 
 
 my uncle Toby, would have felt both cold and 
 
 vapid upon the reader s palate ; — therefore I forth- 
 with put an end to the chapter, though I was in 
 the middle of my ftory. 
 
 Writers of my ftamp have one principle 
 
 in common with painters. Where an exa6l copy- 
 ing makes our picture lefs ftriking, we choofe the 
 lefs evil ; deeming it even more pardonable to tref- 
 pafs againft truth, than beauty. This is to be 
 
 H 3 undeiiiood 
 
102 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 underftood cum grano falis \ but be it as it will,— 
 as the parallel is made more for the fake of letting 
 the apoftrophe cool, than any thing elfe, — ^^'tis not 
 very material whether upon any other fcore the 
 reader approves of it or not. 
 
 In the latter end of the third year, my uncle 
 Toby perceiving that the parameter and femipara- 
 meter of the conic fcCtion angered his wound, he 
 left off the ftudy of projeftiles in a kind of a huff, 
 and betook himfelf to the praftical part of fortifi- 
 cation only ; the pleafure of which, like a fpring 
 held back, returned upon him with redoubled 
 force. 
 
 It was in this year that my uncle began to break 
 
 in upon the daily regularity of a clean lliirt, to 
 
 difmifs his barber unfliaven, and to allow^ his 
 
 furgeon fcarce time fufificient to drefs his w^ound, 
 concerning himfelf fo little about it, as not to alk 
 ^ him once in feven times dreffing, how it w^ent on : 
 when lo ! — ^all of a fudden, for the change was as 
 quick as lightning, he began to figh heavily for 
 
 his recovery, complained to my father, grew 
 
 impatient with the furgeon : and one morning, 
 
 as he heard his foot coming up ftairs, he fliut up 
 his books, and thriift afide his inftruments, in order 
 to expoftulate with him upon the protraftion of 
 the cure, which, he told him, might furely have 
 teen accomplifhed at leaft by that time : — He 
 dwelt long upon the miferies he had undergone, 
 and the forrows of his four years melancholy im- 
 
 prilbnment ; -adding, that had it not been for 
 
 the kind looks and fraternal cheerings of the beft 
 
 of 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. ll^^ 
 
 of brothers, — he had long fmce funk under his 
 
 misfortunes. My father was by. My uncle 
 
 Toby's eloquence brought tears into his eyes ; 
 
 'twas unexpefted : My uncle Toby, by nature, 
 
 was not eloquent ; — ^it had the greater efFeO: : — 
 
 The fur^eon was confounded : — not that there 
 * wanted grounds for fuch, or greater nntarks of im- 
 patience, — but 'twas unexpefted too. In the four 
 years he had attended him, he had never feen any 
 thing like it in m.y uncle Toby's carriage ; he had 
 never once dropped one fretful or difcontented 
 
 word ; he had been all patience, — all fub- 
 
 miffion. 
 
 — We lofe the right of complaining fometimes 
 by forbearing it ; — but we often treble the force : 
 ' — The lurgeon was aftoniilied ; but much more fo, 
 when he heard my uncle Toby go on, and peremp- 
 torily infrft upon his healing up the wound direftly, 
 — or fending for Monfieur Ronjat, the kings fer- 
 jeant-furgeon, to do it for him. 
 
 The defire of hfe and health is implanted in 
 man's nature ; the love of liberty and enlarge- 
 ment is a fifter-paffion to it : Thefe my uncle Toby 
 
 had in common with his fpecies-^ -and either of 
 
 them had been fiifficient to account for his earneft 
 
 ' defire to get w^ell and out of doors ; but I have 
 
 told you before, that nothing wrought with our 
 
 family after the common way ; and from the 
 
 time and manner in which this eager defire fhewed 
 itfelf in the prefent cafe, the penetrating reader will 
 fufpefil there was fome other caufe or crotchet for 
 
 it in rny uncle Toby's head : -There was fo^ and 
 
 \i 4 \is 
 
104 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ^tis the fubjeft of the next chapter to fet forth whaJb 
 that caufe and crotchet was, I own, when that's 
 done, 'twill be time to return back to the parlour 
 fire-lide, where we left my uncle in the middle o£ 
 his fenlenceo 
 
 _ c H A p. V. 
 
 WHEN a man gives hirafelf up to the govern- 
 ment of a ruling palSion, — -or, in other words, when^ 
 
 his HoBBY-HoRSE grows headftrong, farewell. 
 
 cool reafon and fair difcretion ! 
 
 My uncle Toby's wound was near well, and as 
 foon as the furgeon recovered his furprize, and 
 
 could get leave to fay as much he told him, 
 
 'twas juft beginning; to incarnate ; and that if no 
 frefli exfoliation happened, which there was no 
 lign of, — it would be dried up in five or fix weeks. 
 The found of as many Olympiads, twelve hours 
 before, w ould have conveyed an idea of Ihorter- 
 
 duration to my uncle Toby's mind. The fuc- 
 
 ceflion of his ideas was now rapid, — he broiled 
 with impatience to put his defign in execution — - 
 and fo, without confulting farther with any foul 
 living, — which, by the bye, I think is right, when 
 you are predetermined to take no one foul's 
 advice,- — -he privately ordered Trim^ his man, 
 to pack up a bundle of lint and dreffings^ and hire 
 a chariot-and-four to be at the door exa6lly by 
 twelve o'clock that day, when he knew my father 
 
 would 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I05 
 
 would be upon 'Change. So leaving a bank- 
 note upon the table for the furgeon's care of him, 
 and a letter of tender thanks for his brotlier s — he 
 packed up his maps, his books of fortification, his 
 inftruments, £s?r. and by the help of a crutch on 
 
 one fide, and Trim on the other^-' my uncle 
 
 Toby embarked for Shandy- Hall. 
 
 The reafon, or rather the rife of this fudden 
 demigration, was as follows : 
 
 The table in my uncle Toby s room, and at 
 which, the night before this change happened, he 
 was fitting with his maps, &c. about him — being 
 fomewhat of the fmalleft, for that infinity of 
 great and fmall inftruments of knowledge which 
 ufually lay crowded upon it — he had the acci- 
 dent, in reaching over for his tobacco-box, to 
 throw down his compalTes, and in ftooping to take 
 the compafles up, with his fleeve he threw down 
 his cafe of inftruments and fnuffers ; — and as the 
 dice took a run againft him, in his endeavouring 
 
 to catch the fnuffers in falling, he thruft 
 
 Monfieur Blondel off the table, and Count de 
 Pagon o'top of him. 
 
 'Twas to no purpofe for a man, lame as my 
 uncle Toby was, to think of redrelTing thefe evils ' , 
 by himfelf, — he rung his bell for his man Trim ; 
 
 Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, prithee fee 
 
 what confufion I have here been makias; — I mufl 
 
 have fome better contrivance. Trim. -Canil 
 
 pot thou take my rule, and meafure the length and 
 breadth of this table, and then go and belpeak 
 |ne . one as big again ?— — Yes, an' pieafe your 
 
 Honour, 
 
106 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Honour, replied Trim, making a bow; but I hope 
 your Honour Vv ill be foon well enough to get down 
 to youY country-feat, where, — as your Honour 
 takes fo much plealiire in fortification, we could 
 manage this matter to a T. 
 
 I muft here inform you, that this fervant of my 
 uncle Toby's, who went by the name of Trim, 
 had been a corporal in my uncle's own company, 
 ■ — his real name was James Butler, — but having 
 got the nickname of Trim, in the regiment, my 
 uncle Toby, unlefs when he happened to be very 
 angry with him, would never call him by any 
 other name. 
 
 The poor fellow^ had been difabled for the fer- 
 vice, by a wound on his left knee by a mulket- 
 buliet, at the battle of Landen, which was two 
 years before the affair of Namur ; — and as the 
 fellow was w^ell-beloved in the regiment, and a 
 handy fellow into the bargain, my uncle Toby 
 took him for his fervant; and of an excellent ufe 
 was he, attending my uncle Toby in the camp and 
 in his quarters as a valet, groom, barber, cook, 
 fcmpfter, and nurfe ; and indeed, from firft to laft, 
 v/aited upon him and ferved him with great 
 fidelity and affeftion. 
 
 My uncle Toby loved the man in return, and 
 what attached him more to him ftill, was the 
 
 fimilitude of their knowledge. For Corporal 
 
 Trim, (for fo, for the future, I iliall call him) by 
 four years occafional attention to his Mafter's dif- 
 courfe upon fortified towns, and the advantage of 
 prying and peeping continuaiiy into his Mafter's 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, IO7 
 
 plans, £5?^. exclufive and befides what he gained 
 HoBLi^-HoRsiCALLY, Bs a body-fcrvant, Ncn 
 
 Hobby Hcrfical 'per Je ; iiad beccme no mean 
 
 proficient in the fcience ; and was thought^ by the 
 cook and chamber-maid, to know as much of the 
 nature of ftrong-holds as my uncle Toby liimfelf. 
 
 I have but one more ftroke to give to finidi Cor- 
 poral Trim's charafter, and it is the only dark 
 
 line in it. — The fellow loved to advife, — or rather 
 to hear himfelf talk ; his carriage, however, was fo 
 perfectly refpe6lful, 'twas eafy to keep him filent 
 w hen you had him fo ; but let his tongue a-going, 
 ■ — you had no hold of him — he was voluble; — the 
 eternal interiardings of your Hcnour^ with the re- 
 fpe6lfulnefs of Corporal Trim's manner, interceding 
 fo ftroncr in behalf of his elocution, — that thoug;h 
 
 you might have been incommoded, you could 
 
 not well be angry. My uncle Toby was leidom 
 either the one or the other w ith him, — or, at lealt, 
 this fault, in Trim, broke no iquares with theio. 
 
 My uncle Toby, as I faid, loved the man and 
 
 befides, as he overlooked upon a faithful lervant, — • 
 as an humble friend, — he could not bear to ftop 
 his mouth. Such was Corporal Tiijn. 
 
 If I durft prefume, continued Trim, to give 
 your Honour my advice, and fpeak my opinion in 
 this maiter, — Thou art welcome. Trim, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby fpeak, fpeak what thou thinkeft 
 
 upon tlie fubjecl, man, without fear. — ^Why then, 
 replied Trim, (not hanging his ears and fcratching 
 his head like a country-lout, but ) Itrokioo; his liair 
 back from his forehead;, and ftanding ereO: as be- 
 fore: 
 
loS THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 fore his divifion,- — I think, quoth Trim, advancing 
 his left, which was his lame leg, a little forwards, — 
 and pointing with his right hand open towards a 
 map of Dunkirk, wdiich v/as pinned againft the 
 
 hangings, 1 think, quoth Corporal Trim, with 
 
 humble fubmiflion to your Honours better judg- 
 ment, that thefe ravelins, baftions, curtains, 
 
 and hornworks, make but a poor, contemptible, 
 fiddle-faddle piece of work of it here upon paper,, 
 compared to what your Honour and I could make 
 of it \vere we in the country by ourfelves, and had 
 but a rood, or a rood and a half of ground to do 
 w^hat we pleafed with : As fummer is coming on, 
 continued Trim, your Honour might fit out of 
 doors, and give me the nography — (Call it ichno- 
 
 graphy, quoth my uncle,) of the town or citadel 
 
 your Honour was pleafed to fit down before^ and I 
 wdll be fliot by your Honour upon the glacis of 
 
 it, if I did not fortify it to your Honour's mind. 
 
 I dare fay thou wouldTt, Trim, quoth my uncle. — 
 For if your Honour, continued the corporal, could 
 but mark me the polygon, with its exa6l lines and 
 angles — That 1 could do very well, quoth my uncle. 
 — I would begin with the foffe, and if your Honour 
 could tell me the proper depth and breadth — I can 
 to an hair's breadth, Trim, replied my uncle — I 
 would throw out the earth upon this hand to - 
 wards the town for the fcarp, — and on that hand 
 towards the campaign for the counter-fparp— (Very 
 right, 'Trim, quoth my uncle Toby)- — — And when 
 
 I bad floped them to your mind,- an pleafe 
 
 your Honour;^ I wpuld face the glacis, as the fineft 
 
 fortifications 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. lag 
 
 fortifications are done in Flanders, with Ibds — (and 
 as your Honour knows they Ihould be) — and I 
 would make the walls and parapets with Ibds too. 
 — — The beft engineers call them Gazons, Trim, 
 faid my uncle Toby, — - — Whether they are gazons 
 or ibds, is not much matter, replied Trim ; your 
 Honour knows they are ten times beyond a facing 
 
 either of brick or ftone. know they are, Trim^ 
 
 in fome refpefts, quoth my uncle Toby, nod- 
 ding his head ; — for a cannon-ball enters into the 
 gazon right onwards, without bringing any rubbifh 
 down with it, which might fill the foffe, (as was the 
 cafe at St. Nicholas's gate) and facilitate the paflage 
 over it. 
 
 Your Honour underftands thefe matters, replied 
 Corporal Trim, better than any officer in his Ma- 
 
 jefty's fervice ; but would your Honour pleafe 
 
 to let the befpeaking of the table alone, and let us 
 but go into the country, I would work under your 
 Honour's directions like a horfe, and make fortifi- 
 cations for you fomething like a tanfy, with all 
 their batteries, faps, ditches, and palifadoes, that it 
 fliould be worth all the world's riding twenty miles 
 to go and fee it. 
 
 My uncle Toby blulhed as red as fear let as Trim 
 went on ; — but it was not a blufh of guilt, — of 
 modefty,— or of anger, — -it was a blufli of joy; — - 
 he was fired with Corporal Trim's projeft and de- 
 
 fcription. Trim ! faid my uncle Toby, thou 
 
 haft faid enough. We might begin the campaign, 
 
 continued Trim, on the very day that his Majefty 
 and the Allies take the field, and demolifli them 
 
 town 
 
110 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 town by tou n as faft as — (Trim, quoth m}^ uncle 
 1 ony fdy no more.) Your Honour, continued Trim, 
 mio:ht fit in your arm-chair (pointing to it) this fine 
 
 ^veather, giving me your orders, and I would 
 
 (Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby) ► 
 
 Belides, your Honour would get not only plealure 
 and gooii paftime, — ^but good air, and good exer- 
 cife, and good health, — and your Honour's w ound 
 would be w^eli in a month. Thou haft laid enough, 
 Trim, — quoth my uncle Toby (putting his hand 
 into his breeches-pocket) — I Uke thy project mighti- 
 ly. — And if your Honour pleafes, Fll this moment 
 go and buy a pioneer's fpade to take down with us, 
 and I'll beipeak a fhovel and a pick-axe, and a 
 
 couple of Say no more, Trim, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, leaping up upon one leg, quite overcome with 
 rapture, — and thrufdng a guinea into Trim's hand, 
 ■ — Trim, faid my uncle Toby, fay no more ; — but 
 go down, Trim, this moment, my lad, and bring up 
 my fupper this inftant. 
 
 Trim ran down and brought up his m^afters fup- 
 per, to no purpofe: — Trim's plan of operation 
 
 ran fo in my uncle Toby's hea/i, he could not tafte 
 it. — Trim, quoth ny uncle Toby, get me to bed. — 
 'Twas all one. — ^Corporal Trim s defcription had 
 fired his imagination, — my uncle Toby could' not 
 Hiut his eyes.~The more he confidered it, the 
 more bewitching liie fcene appeared to iiim ; — fo 
 that, two full hours before daylight, he had 
 come to a final determination, and had concerted the 
 whole plan of his and Corporal Trim's decamp- 
 ment. 
 
 My 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY- III 
 
 My uncle Toby had a little neat country-lioufe 
 of his own, in the village where my father s eftate 
 lay at Shandy, w hich had been left him by an old 
 uncle, with a fmail eftate of about one hundred 
 pounds a-year. Behind this houfe, and contiguous 
 to it, was a kitchen-garden of about half an acre, 
 and at the bottom of the garden, and cut off from 
 it by a tall yew hedge, was a bowling-green, con- 
 taining juft about as much ground as Corporal 
 Trim wiflied for; — fo that as Trim uttered the 
 words, " A rood and a half of ground to do what 
 " they w^ould with,'' — this identical bowling-green 
 inftantly prefented itfelf, and became curioufly 
 painted all at once, upon the retina of my uncle 
 Toby's faucy; — which wds the phvfical caufe of 
 making him change colour, or at leaft of hei^h- 
 tening his blufh, to that immoderate degree I 
 fpoke of. 
 
 Never did lover poll: down to a beloved miftrefs 
 with more heat and expectation, than my uncle 
 Toby did, to enjoy this felfsame thing in private; — • 
 I fey in private; — for it was flieltefed from the 
 houfe, as I told you, by a tall yew hedge, and was 
 covered on the other three fides, from mortal fight, 
 by rough holly and thick-fet flow ering fnrabs : — - 
 fo that the idea of not being feen, did not a little 
 contribute to the idea of pleafure preconceived 
 in my uncle Toby's mind. — Vain thought! how- 
 ever thick it was planted about, — or private Ibever 
 it rnight feem, — to think, dear uncle Toby, of 
 enjoying a thing which took up a whole rood 
 
 and a half of ground^ and not have it known ! 
 
 How 
 
112 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 How my uncle Toby and Corporal Trim ma- 
 naged this matter, with the hiftory of their 
 
 campaigns, which were no way barren of events, 
 
 • may make no uninterelting under-plot in the 
 
 epitafisand working-up of this drama. — At prefent 
 the fcene niuft drop, — and change for the parlour 
 fire-fide* 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 —WHAT can they be doing, brother r faid 
 my father.— I tliink, replied my uncle Toby,— 
 taking, as I told you^ his pipe from his mouth, and 
 ftriking the alhes out of it as he began his fentence; 
 
 1 think, replied he, — it would not be amifs, 
 
 brother, if we rung the belL 
 
 Pray, what's all that racket over our heads, 
 
 Obadiah? quoth my father;- my brother 
 
 and I can fcarce hear ourfelves fpeak. 
 
 Sir, anfwered Obadiah, making a bow tow^ards 
 his left llioulder,^ — my Miftrefs is taken very badly. 
 ' — And where's Sufannah running down the garden 
 
 there, as if they were going to ravifti her ? Si\\ 
 
 fhe is running the ihorteft cut into the town, replied 
 Obadiah, to fetch the old midwife. — ^Then faddle a 
 horfe, quoth my father, and do you go direClly for 
 Dr. Slop, the man-midwife, with all our fervices, 
 
 and let him know your miftrefs is fallen into , 
 
 labour and that I defire he will return with you 
 
 witii all fpeed. 
 
 It 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* II3 
 
 It is very llrange, fays my father, addrefiing him- 
 felf to my uncle Toby, as Obadiah fliut the door, 
 
 as there is fo expert an operator as Dr. Slop 
 
 fo near,^ — that my wife Ihould perfift to the very 
 laft in this obftinate humour of hers, in trufting the 
 life of my child, who has had one misfortune 
 already, to the ignorance of an old woman ; — — 
 
 and not only the life of my child, brother, but 
 
 her own life, and with it the lives of all the children 
 I might, peradventure, have begot out of her here- 
 after. 
 
 Mayhap, brother, replied my uncle Toby, my 
 lifter does it to fave the expence : — A pudding s 
 
 end, — replied my father, the Dofilor muft be 
 
 paid the fame for inaction as action, — if not better, 
 - — to keep him in temper. 
 
 — —Then it can be out of nothing in the whole 
 world, quoth my uncle Toby, in the fimplicity of 
 his heart, — but Modefty. — My fifter, I dare fay, 
 added he, does not care to let a man come fo near 
 her- — — . I will not fay whether my uncle Toby 
 had completed the fentence or not ; — ^'tis for his 
 
 advantage to fuppofe he had, as, I think he 
 
 could have added no one word which would have 
 improved it. 
 
 If^ on the contrary, my uncle Toby had not 
 fully arrived at the period s end— then the world 
 ftands" indebted to the fuddenfnapping of my father's 
 tobacco-pipe for one of the neateft examples of 
 that ornamental figure in oratory, which Rheto- 
 ricians ftyle the Apojiopejis. — — Juft Heaven ! how 
 does the Pocopu and the Poco mcno of the Italian 
 
 Vol. L I artifts; 
 
114 "THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ai tifts ; — the infenfible more or less, determine 
 the precile Hne of beauty in the fentence, as well 
 as in the ftatue! How do the flight touches of the 
 chifel, the pencil, the pen, the fiddle-ftrck, et c^tera^ 
 — give the true Iwell, which gives the true plea- 
 fure O my countrymen : — be nice ; be cautious- 
 of your language ; — and never, O I never let it be 
 forgotten upon what fmall particles your eloquence 
 and your fame depend. 
 
 My fifter, mayhap,'' quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, does not choofe to let a man come fo 
 
 " near her- " Make this dafh, — 'tis an Apo- 
 
 fiopefis ; — Take the dafli away, and write Back- 
 
 jl^g^ 'tis bawdy. — Scratch Backfide out, and 
 
 put Covered way in, 'tis a Metaphor; — and, I 
 dare lay, as fortification ran fo much in my 
 uncle Toby's head, that if he had been left to 
 
 have added one word to the fentence,^ that 
 
 w^ord was it. 
 
 But whether that was the cafe or not the cafe ; — ^ 
 or whether the fnapping of my father's tobacco- 
 pipe, fo critically, happened through accident or 
 anger, will be feen in due time.. 
 
 €HAP. vir. 
 
 THO' my father was a good natural philo- 
 fopher. — yet he was Ibmething of a moral phi- 
 lofopher too ; for which reafon, when his tobacco- 
 pipe fnapp'd Ihort in the middle, — he had nothing 
 to do, as fuch, but to have taken hold of the twa 
 
 piecesj 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY^ II5 
 
 pieces, and thrown them gently upon the back 
 
 of the fire.— He did no fuch thing;— — he 
 
 threw them with all the \Solence in the w^orld; — • 
 and, to give the aftion ftill more emphafis, — he 
 ftarted upon both legs to do it. 
 
 This looked fomething like heat;^ — and the 
 manner of his reply to what my uncle Toby was 
 faying, proved it w as fo. 
 
 — " Not choofe," quoth my father, (repeating 
 my uncle Toby's words) " to let a man come lo 
 
 near her -!'^ By Heaven, brother Toby! you 
 
 would try the patience of Job ; — and I think I 
 have the plagues of one already without it. ■ 
 
 by Where ?— Wherein — Wherefore ? 
 
 Upon what account ? replied my uncle Toby, 
 
 in the utmoft aftonithment. — To think, faid my 
 father, of a man living to your age, brother, and 
 
 knowino; fo little about women !- 1 know nothinfj 
 
 at all about them, — replied my uncle Toby : And 
 I think, continued he, that the fliock I received 
 the year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in my 
 affair with widow Wadman ; which ftiock you know 
 I fhould not have received, but from my total ig- 
 norance of the fex, — has given me juft caufe to fay, 
 That I neither know^, nor do pretend to know, any 
 thing about em, or their concerns either.— Me- 
 tliinks, brother, replied my father, you might, at 
 leaft, know fo much as the right end of a woman 
 from the wrong. 
 
 It is faid in Ariftotle s Mafter Piece, That 
 
 when a man doth think of any thing which 
 
 is paft, he looketh down upon the ground ; 
 
 I 2 " but 
 
Il6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 but that when he thinketh of fomething 
 
 that is to come, he looketh up towards the 
 heavens." 
 
 My uncle Toby, I fuppofe, thought of neither, 
 for he look'd horizontally. Right end ! quoth my 
 uncle Toby, muttering the two words low to 
 himfelf, and fixing his two eyes infenfibly as he 
 muttered them, upon a fmall crevice, formed by a 
 
 bad joint in the chimney-piece- Right end of a 
 
 woman!-- 1 declare, quoth my uncle, I know 
 
 no more which it is than the man in the moon ; 
 
 and if I was to think, continued my uncle Toby 
 (keeping his eyes ftill fixed upon the bad joint) this 
 month together, I am fure I Ihould not be able to 
 find it out. - 
 
 Then, brother Toby, replied my father, I will 
 tell you. 
 
 Every thing in this world, continued my father 
 (filling a frefti pipe) — every thing in this world^ 
 
 my dear brother Toby, has two handles. 
 
 Not always, quoth my uncle Toby. At leaft, 
 
 replied my father, every one has two hands, 
 
 which comes to the fame thing— Now, if a man 
 was to fit down coolly, and confider within himfelf 
 the make, the ftiape, the conftru6lion, coine-at- 
 ability, and convenience of all the parts which con- 
 ftitutethe whole of that animal, called Woman, and 
 
 compare them analogically —I never underftood 
 
 ri^^htly the meaning of that word,— quoth my uncle 
 Toby.— 
 
 Analogy, replied my father, is the certain rela- 
 
 lation and agreement which different ^Here, 
 
 a devil 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I17 
 
 a devil of a rap at the door fnapped my father's 
 definition (like his tobacco-pipe) in two, — and, at 
 the fame time, crufhed the head of as notable and 
 curious a diflfertation as ever was eno;endered in the 
 womb of fpeculation ; — it was fome months befom 
 my father could get an opportunity to be fafely de- 
 livered of it : — And, at this hour, it is a thing full 
 as problematical as the fubjeO: of the diifertation 
 itfelf, — (confidering the confufion and diftreffes of 
 our domeftic mifadventures, which are now coming 
 thick one upon the back of another) whether I ftiall 
 be able to find a place for it in the third volume 
 or not. 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 IT is about an hour and a half s tolerable good 
 reading fince my uncle Toby rung the bell, when 
 Obadiah was ordered to faddle a horfe, and go for 
 Dr. Slop, the man-midwife ; — fo that no one can 
 fay, with reafon, that I have not allowed Obadiah 
 time enough, poetically fpeaking, and confidering 
 
 the emergency too, both to go and come ; 
 
 though, morally and truly fpeaking, the man per- 
 haps has fcarce had time to get on his boots. 
 
 If the hypercritic will go upon this ; and is re- 
 folved after all to take a pendulum, and meafure 
 the true diftance betwixt the ringing of the bell, and 
 the rap at the door; — and, after finding it to be 
 no more than two minutes, thirteen feconds, and 
 three-fifths, — fliould take upon him to infult over 
 
 I 3 ^^<^ 
 
Il8 THE LIFE AXD OPIXIOXS 
 
 iTie for fuch a breach in the unity, or rather proba- 
 bility of time;— I would remind him, that the idea 
 of duration, and of its fimple modes, is got merely 
 
 from the train and fucceffion of our ideas and 
 
 is the true fcholaftic pendulum, and by which, as 
 
 a fcholar, I will be tried in this matter, — abjuring 
 and deteftingthe jurifdiGtion of all other pendulums 
 whatever. 
 
 I would therefore defire him to confider that it 
 is but poor eight miles from Shandy-Hail to Dn 
 Slop, the man-midwife's honfe : — and that whilft 
 Obadiah has been going thofe faid miles and back, 
 I have brought my uncle Toby from Namur, 
 quite acrofs all Flanders, into England :— That I 
 have had him ill upon my hands near four years ; 
 • — and have fmce travelled him and Corporal Trim 
 in a chariot-and-four, a journey of near two hun- 
 
 dred miles down into Yorklhire ; all which put 
 
 together, muft have prepared the reader's imagina- 
 tion for the entrance of Dr. Slop upon the ftage, — 
 as much, at leaft (I hope) as a dance, a fong, or a 
 concerto between the a£ts. 
 
 If my hypercritic is intra6lable, alleging, that 
 two minutes and thirteen leconds are no more than 
 two minutes and thirteen feconds, — when I have 
 faid all I can about them ; and that this plea, 
 though it might fave me dramatically, will damn 
 me biographically, rendering my book from this 
 very moment, a profefled Romance, which, before, 
 
 M as a book apocryphal : If I am thus preffed 
 
 • — I then put an end to the whole objeSlion and 
 
 controverfy about it all at once, by acquainting 
 
 him. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. l\g 
 
 ium, that Obadiah had not got above threefcore 
 yards from the ftable-yard, before he met with 
 Dr. Slop ; — and indeed he gave a dirty proof that 
 he had met with him, and was within an ace of 
 giving a tragical one too. 
 
 Imagine t© yourfelf But this had better be- 
 gin a new chapter. 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 IMAGINE to yourfelf a little fquat, uncourtly 
 figure of a DoClor Slop, of about four feet and a 
 half perpendicular height, with a breadth of back, 
 and a fefquipedality of belly, which might have 
 done honour to a ferjeant in the horfe-guards. 
 
 Such were the outlines of Doctor Slop's figure, 
 which — if you have read Hogarth's analyfis of beauty, 
 
 and if you have not, I wifli you would; you 
 
 muft know, may as certainly be caricatured, and 
 conveyed to the mind by three ftrokes as three 
 hundred. 
 
 Imagine fuch a one,^ -for fuch, I fay, were the 
 
 outlines of Dr. Slop's figure, coming flowly along, 
 foot by foot, waddhng through the dirt upon the 
 "vertebra of a little diminutive pony, of a pretty 
 
 colour but of ftrength — - — alack! fcarce 
 
 able to have made an amble of it, under fuch a 
 fardel, had the roads been in an ambling condition. 
 They were not. Imagine to yourfelf, Oba- 
 diah mounted upon a flrong-moniter of a coach- 
 
 1 4 horfe, 
 
120 THE LIFE AND OPINIGNS 
 
 horfe, pricked into a fall gallop, and making all 
 prafiticable fpeed the adverfe way. 
 
 Pray, Sir, let me intereft you a moment in this 
 defcription. 
 
 Had Dr. Slop beheld Obadiah a mile off, pofting 
 in a narrow lane direftly towards him, at that mon^ 
 ftrous rate, — fplafhing and plunging like a devil 
 thro' thick and thin, as he approached, would not 
 fuch a phaenomenon, w ith fuch a vortex of mud and 
 water moving along with it, round its axis, — have 
 been a fubjeCt of jufter apprehenfion to Dr. Slop 
 in his fituation, than the worft of Whifton's comets? 
 • — ^To fay nothing of the Nucleus ; that is, pf Obar 
 diah and the coach-horfe. — In my idea, the vortex 
 alone of 'em was enough to have involved and car- 
 ried, if not the doQor, at leaft the do6tor's pony, 
 quite away with it. What then do you think muft 
 the terror and hydrophobia of Dr. Slop have been, 
 when you I'ead (which you are juft going to do) that 
 he was advancing thus warily along towards 
 Shandy-Hall, and had approached to within fixty 
 yards of it, and within five yards of a fudden turn, 
 made by an acute angle of the garden-wall, — and 
 in the dirtieft part of a dirty lane, — when Obadiah 
 and his coach-horfe turned the corner, rapid, furious, 
 — pop, — full upon him ! — Nothing, I think, in 
 nature, can be fuppofed more terrible than fuch a 
 rencounter, — fo iniprompt ! fo ill prepared to ftand 
 the fliock of it as Dr. Slop was. 
 
 What could Dr. Slop do ?— — he crofled him-. 
 felf+ — Pugh ! — but the do6lor, Sir, was a Papift. 
 —No matter ; he had better have kept hold of the 
 
 pomme\. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 121 
 
 pommel. — He had fo ; — nay, as it happened, he 
 had bet ter have done nothing at all ; for in croffing 
 
 himfelf he let go his whip, and in attempting 
 
 to lave his whip betwixt his knee and his laddie's 
 
 Ikirt, as it flipped, he loft his ftirrup, in lofing 
 
 which he loft his feat ; and in the multitude of 
 
 all thefe lofles (which, by the bye, fhews what little 
 advantage there is in croffing) the unfortunate doftor 
 loft his prefence of mind. So that without waiting 
 for Obadiah's onfet, he left his pony to its dettiny, 
 tumbling oft' it diagonally, fomething in the ftyle and 
 inanner of a pack of w ool, and without any other 
 confequence from the fall, lave that of being left 
 (as it would have been) with the broadeft part 
 of hini funk about twelve inches deep in the 
 mire. 
 
 Obadiah pullVl oft* his cap twice to Dr. Slop ; — 
 once as he w^as faMin^y, — and then again when he 
 faw him feated. — —Ill-timed conipiaifance ; — had 
 not the fellow better have ftopped his horfe, and 
 got off* and help'd him ? — Sir, he did all that his 
 fituation would allow ; — but the momentum of the 
 coach-horfe was fo great, that Obadiah could not 
 do it all at once ; he rpde in a circle three times 
 round Dr. Slop, before he could fully accompliili 
 it any how : — and at the laft, when he did ftop his 
 beaft, 'twas done with fuch an expiofion of mud, 
 that Obadiah had better have been a league off. 
 In lliort, never was a Dr. Slop fo beluted and tran 
 I'ubftantiated^ fmce that affair came into fafliion. 
 
122 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 WHEN Dr. Slop entered the back parlour, 
 where my father and my uncle Toby were dii- 
 
 courfing upon the nature of women, it was 
 
 hard to determine whether Dr. Slop's figure, or 
 Dr. Slop s prefence, occafioned more furprize to 
 them ; for as the accident happened fo near the 
 houfe, as not to make it worth while for Obadiah 
 
 to remount him, Obadiah had led him in as 
 
 he was, unwiped, unappointed, unannealed^ Avith all 
 his ftains aixl blotches on him.^ — He ftood like 
 Hamlef^ ghoft, motionlefs and fpeechlefs, for a 
 full minute and a half at the parlour^ioor (Oba- 
 diah ftill holding his hand) with all the majefty of 
 mud : — his hinder parts, upon which he had re- 
 ceived his fall, totally befmeared ; and in every 
 
 other part of him, blotched over in fuch a manner 
 with Obadiahs explofion, that you would have 
 fworn (without mental refervation) that every grain 
 of it had taken effect. 
 
 Here was a fair opportunity for my uncle Toby 
 to have triumphed over my father in his turn ; — 
 for no mortal, who had beheld Dr. Slop in that 
 pickle, could have diflbnted from fo much,, at leaft, 
 of my uncle Toby's opinion^ That mayhap his 
 
 fitter might not care to let fuch a Dr. Slop come 
 
 fo near her But it was the argumentum 
 
 ad hommem ; and if my uncle Toby was not very ex- 
 pert at it, you may think, he might not care tp ufe 
 
 it. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I23 
 
 it. No ; the reafon was, — 'twas not his nature 
 
 to infult 
 
 Dr. Slop's prefence at that time was no lefs 
 problematical than the mode of it; tho' it is 
 certain, one moment's refleftion in my father 
 might have folved it; for he liad apprized Dr. 
 Slop but the week before, that my mother was 
 at her full reckoning; and as the do6tor had 
 heard nothing fince, 'twas natural and very po- 
 litical too in him, to have taken a ride to Shandy 
 Hall, as he did, merely to fee how matters went 
 on. 
 
 But my father s mind took unfortunately a 
 wrong turn in the inveftigation ; running, like the 
 hypercritic's, altogether upon the ringing of the 
 bell and the rap upon the door, — meafuring their 
 diltance, and keeping his mind fo intent upon the 
 operation, as to have power to think of nothing elfe, 
 common-place infirmity of the greateft mathe- 
 maticians ! workintT with mia;ht and main at the 
 demonftration, and fo wafting all their ftrength upon 
 it, that they have none left in them to draw the 
 corollary to do good with. 
 
 The ringing of the bell and the rap upon the door, 
 ftruck likewife ftrong upon the fenforimn of my uncle 
 Toby,— but it excited a very different train of 
 thoughts ;— the two irreconcileable pulfations in- 
 itantly brought Stevinus, the great engineer, along 
 with them, into my uncle Toby's mind. What 
 bufinefs Stevinus had in this affair, — is the greateil 
 
 problem of all: It ftiall be folved; — but not 
 
 in the next chapter. 
 
124 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XI. 
 
 WRITING, when properly managed (as you 
 may be fure I think mine is) is but a different name 
 for converfation. As no one, who knows what he 
 is about in good company, would venture to talk all ; 
 * fo no author, who underftands the juft boun- 
 daries of decorum and good-breeding, would pre- 
 fume to think all : the trueft refpe6l which you can 
 pay to the reader s underftanding, is to halve this 
 matter amicably, and leave him fomething to ima- 
 gine, in his turn, as well as yourfeif. 
 
 For my own part, I am eternally paying him 
 compliments of this kind, and do all that lies in 
 my power to keep his imagination as bufy as my 
 own. 
 
 'Tis his turn now ; — I have given an ample de- 
 fcription of Dr. Slop's fad overthrow, and of his fad 
 appearance in the back-parlour; — his imagination 
 muft now go on with it for a while. 
 
 Let the reader imagine then, that Dr. Slop has 
 told his tale — and in what words, and with what 
 aggravations, his fancy chooles ; — let him fuppofe, 
 that Ohadiah has told his tale alfo, and with fuch 
 rueful looks of affected concern, as he thinks beft 
 will contraft the two figures as they ftand by each 
 
 other. Let him imagine, that my father has 
 
 ftepped up ftairs to fee my mother : — and, to con- 
 clude this work of imagination, — let him imagine 
 the do6lor wafhed,— rubbed down and condoled, 
 r—felicitated^ — got into a pair of Obadiah's pumps, 
 
 ftepping 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHA^roY. 
 
 ftepplng forward towards the door, upon the very 
 point of entering upon afiiion. 
 
 Truce ! — truce, good Dr. Slop !— ftay thy obfte- 
 
 trick hand ; return it lafe into thy bofom to 
 
 keep it warm ; httle doft thou know v^ hat ob- 
 
 ftacles, little doft thou think what hidden 
 
 caufes retard its operation! -Haft thou, Dr. 
 
 Slop, — haft thou been entrufted with the fecret ar- 
 ticles of the folemn treaty which has brought thee 
 into this place ? — Art thou aware that at this inftant, 
 a daughter of Lucina is put obftetricaily over thy 
 head? Alas ! — 'tis too true. — Befides, great fon of 
 Pilumnus ! M^hat canft thou do ? — Thou haft come 
 forth unarmed ; — thou haft left thy tire-tete, — ^^thy 
 new-invented forceps^ — thy crotchet, — thy fquirt^ 
 and all thy inftruments of falvation and deliverance, 
 behind thee: — By Heaven ! at this moment they 
 are hanging up in a green baize bag, betwixt thy 
 two piftols, at the bed s head ! — Ring ; — call ; — • 
 fend Obadiah back upon the coach-horfe to brinf^ 
 them with all fpeed. 
 
 Make great hafte, Obadiah, quoth my 
 
 father, and I'll give thee a crown ! and quoth my 
 uncle Toby, 111 give him another. 
 
 CHAP. xn. 
 
 YOUR fudden and unexpefiled arrival, quoth 
 my uncle Toby, addreffaig himlelf to Dr. Slop, (all 
 three of them fitting down to the fire together, as 
 my uncle Toby began to fpeak)— inftantly brought 
 
 the 
 
126 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 the great Stevinus into my head, who, you muft 
 Imow, is a favourite author with me. — Then, added 
 my father, making ufe of the argument ac^ crumenam, 
 - — I will lay twenty guineas to a fingle crown-piece, 
 (which will ferve to give away to Obadiah when he 
 gets back) that this fame Stevinus was fome engi- 
 neer or other — or has wrote fomething or other, 
 either direflly or indireftly, upon the fciencc of 
 fortification. 
 
 He has fo, — replied my uncle Toby. — I knew 
 it, faid my father, though, for the foul of me, I can- 
 not fee what kind of connexion there can be be- 
 twixt Dr. Slop s fudden coming, and a difcourle 
 upon fortification ; — yet I fear'd it. — Talk of what 
 
 we will, brother,-- or let the occafion be never fo 
 
 foreign or unfit for the fubjeft, — you are fure to 
 bring it in. I would not, brother Toby, continued 
 
 my father,- 1 declare I would not have my 
 
 head fo full of curtains and horn-works. — That I 
 dare fay you would not, quoth Dr. Slop, interrupt- 
 ing him, and laughing moft immoderately at his 
 pun. 
 
 Dennis the critic could not deteft and abhor a 
 pun, or the infinuation of a pun, more cordially 
 than my father ; — he would grow^ tefty upon it at 
 any time ; — but to be broke in upon by one, in a 
 ferious difcourfe, was as bad, he would fay, as a 
 fillip upon the nofe ; — —he faw no difference. 
 
 Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, addreffing himfelf to 
 Dr. Slop, — the curtains my brother Shandy men- 
 tions here, have nothing to do with bedfteads 
 tho' I know Du Cange fays, That bed-curtains, 
 
 " in 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1 27 
 
 in all probability have taken their name from 
 them — nor have the horn- works he Ipeaks of, 
 any thing in the world to do with the horn-works 
 of cuckoldom : But the curtain^ Sir, is the word we 
 ufe in fortification, for that part of the wall or ram- 
 part which lies between the two baftions, aiid joins 
 them. — Befiegers feldom offer to carry on their 
 attacks dire^ly againft the curtain, for this reafon, 
 becaufe they are fo well flanked. ('Tis the cafe 
 of other curtains, quoth Dr. Slop, laughing.) 
 However, continued my uncle Toby, to make them 
 fure, we generally choofe to place ravelins befoixi 
 them, taking care only to extend them beyond the 
 
 fofle or ditch : The common men, who know 
 
 very little of fortification, confound the ravelin and 
 tlie half-moon together, — tho' they are very differ- 
 ent things; — not in their figure or conftru6tion, for 
 we make them exaftly alike, in all points ; for they 
 always confift of two faces, making a falient angle, 
 with the gorges, not ftraight, but in form of a 
 
 crefcent. V/herethen lies the difference? (quoth 
 
 my father, a little teftily.) — In their fituations^ 
 anfwered my uncle Toby : — for when a ravelin, 
 brother, ftands before the curtain, it is a ravelin ; 
 and when a ravelin ftands before a baftion, then the 
 ravelin is not a ravelin ; — it is a half-moon a 
 half-moon likewife is a half-moon, and no move^ 
 
 fo long as it ftands before its baftion ; but was 
 
 it to change place, and get before tlie curtain^ — • 
 'twould be no longer a half-moon ; a haif-moon, in 
 that cafe, is not a half* moon ; — 'tis no more than a 
 
 ravelin. 1 think, quoth my father, that the 
 
 noble 
 
12^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 iK)bIe fcience of defence has its weak fides 
 
 well as others. 
 
 — As for the horn- work (heigh ! ho ! fighed my 
 father) which, continued my uncle Toby, my bro- 
 ther was Ipeaking of, they are a very confiderable 
 
 part of an outwork ; they are called by the 
 
 French engineers, Ouvrage a come, and we generally 
 make them to cover fuch places as we fufpefi: to be 
 w^eaker than the reft; — 'tis formed by twoepaulments 
 or demi-baftions — they are very pretty, — and if you 
 will take a walk, I'll engage to fhew you one well 
 worth your trouble. — I own, continued my uncle 
 Toby, when we crown them, — they are much 
 fironger, but then they are very expenfive, and 
 take up a great deal of ground, fo that, in my 
 opinion, they are moft of ale to cover or defend the 
 head of a camp ; otherwife the double teyiaiUe — By 
 
 the mother who bore us brother Toby, Cjuoth 
 
 my father, not able to hold out any longer, ^ 
 
 jou would provoke a faint; here have you got 
 
 us, I know not how, not only foufe into the middle 
 of the old fiibjeCt again : — but fo full is your head 
 of thefe confounded works, that though my wife is 
 this moment in the pains of labour, and you hear 
 her cry out, yet notliing will ferve you but to carry off' 
 the man-mid v/ife. — —Accoucheur, — if you pleaf^, 
 
 quoth Dr. Slop. -With all my heart, replied my 
 
 father, I don't care what they call you; — but I wifli 
 the whole fcience of fortification, with all its 
 inventors, at the devil ;^ — it has been the death of 
 thoufands, — and it will be mine in the end. — I 
 would not, I would not, brother Toby, have my 
 
 brains 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 12g 
 
 brains fo full of faps, mines, blinds, gabions, palli- 
 fadoes, ravelins, half-moons^ and fach tremper}^, to 
 be proprietor of Namur, and of all the towns in 
 Flanders with it. 
 
 My uncle Toby was a man patient of injuries ;~ 
 not from want of courage ; — I have told you in a 
 former chapter, that he was a man of courage T 
 — and will add here, that where juft occafions pre- 
 fented, or called it forth, — I know no man under 
 
 w^hofe arm I would have fooner taken fhelter 
 
 nor did this arife from any infenfibility or obtufenefs 
 of his intelle6lual parts ; — for he felt this infult of my 
 father's as feelingly as a man could do — but he 
 was of a peaceful, placid nature^- — no jarring 
 ^ element in it, — all was mixed up fo kindly within 
 h'mi ; my uncle Toby had fcarce a heart to retaliate 
 upon a iiy. 
 
 — Go — fays he, one day at dinner, to an over- 
 grown one which had buzzed about his nofe, and 
 tormented him cruelly all dinner-time, — andwhich^, 
 after infinite attempts, he had caught at laft, as it 
 flew by him ; — TU not hurt thee, fays my uncle 
 Toby, rifrng from his chair, and going acrofs the 
 
 room, with the fly in his hand,- I'll not hurt a 
 
 hair of thy head — Go, fays he, lifting up the fafli, 
 and opening his hand as he fpoke, to let it efcape ; 
 ' — go, poor devil, get thee gone, w^hy fhould I hurt 
 
 thee? ^This world furelv is wide enough to hold 
 
 both thee and m.e. 
 
 I was but ten years old when this happened : but 
 whether it w^as, that the afilion itfelf was more in 
 unifon to my nerves at that age of pity, w hich in- 
 
 voL. I. K itantly 
 
T30 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ftantly fet my whole frame into one vibration of 
 moft pleafurable fenfation ; — or how far the manner 
 and expreflion of it might go towards it ; — or in' 
 what degree, or by what fecrd: magic, — a tone of 
 voice and harmony of movement, attuned by mercy, 
 might fmd a paffage to my heait, I know not — this 
 I know, that the leflTon of univerfal good-will then 
 taught and imprinted by my uncle Toby, has never 
 lince been worn out of my mind : and tho' I would 
 not depreciate what the ftudy of the liters huma- 
 niores^ at the univerfity, have done for me in that 
 refi^efl:, or discredit the other helps of an expenfive 
 education beftowed upon me, both at home and* 
 abroad fince ; — yet I often think that I owe one 
 half of my philanthropy to that one accidental 
 impreffion. 
 
 This is to ferve for parents^ and governors inftead 
 of a whole volume upon the fuJjjefit.^ 
 
 I could not give the reader this ftrok^ in my 
 uncle Toby's piSlure, by the inftrument with which 
 I drew the other parts of it,— that taking in no 
 more than the mere Hobby-Hgr5ical likenefs : 
 
 this is a part of his moral charafter. My 
 
 father, in this patient endurance of wrongs, which 
 I mentiouy was^ very different, as the reader muft 
 long ago have noted ^ he had a much more acute 
 and quick fenfibility of nature, attended with a little 
 Ibrenefs of temper ; tho' this never tranfported him 
 to any thing which looked hke malignancy v — yet 
 in the litde rubs and vexations of life, 'twas apt to 
 ftiew itfelf in a drollifti and witty kind of peeviftmefs i 
 
 He was, however^ frank and generous in his 
 
 mature ; 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I3I 
 
 nature ; at all times open to conviction ; and 
 
 in the little ebullitions of this fubacid humour to- 
 wards others, but particularly towards my uncle 
 
 Toby, whom he truly loved : he would feel 
 
 more pain, ten times told (except in the affair of 
 my aunt Dinah, or where an hypothefis was con- 
 cerned) than what he ever gave. 
 
 The characters of the two brothers, in this view 
 of them, reflected light upon each other, and 
 appeared with great advantage in this affair ^vhich 
 rofe about Stevinus. 
 
 I need not tell the reader, if he keeps a Hobby- 
 
 Horse, that a man's Hobby-Horse is as 
 
 tender a part as he has about him ; and that thele 
 unprovoked ftrokes at my uncle Toby's could not 
 
 be unfelt by him. No :— — — as I faid above, 
 
 my uncle Toby did feel them, and very fenfibly 
 too. 
 
 Pray, Sir, what faid he ? — How did he behave ? 
 — O, Sir ! — it w^as great : for as foon as my lather 
 
 had done iniulting his Hobby-Horse,^ he 
 
 turned his head, without the leaft emotion, from Dn 
 Slop, to whom he was addrefling his difcourfe, and 
 looking up into my father's face, with a countenance 
 
 fpread over with fo much good-nature ; fo 
 
 placid; fo fraternal ; lb inexpreflibly ten- 
 der towards him : — it penetrated my father to his 
 heart : He rofe up haftily from his chair, and ieizing 
 hold of both my uncle Toby's hands as he fpoke : — 
 Brother Toby, faid he : — I beg thy pardon ; for- 
 give, I pray thee, this ralh humour which my mother 
 gave me. — My dear, dear brother, anfwered my 
 
 K 2 uncle 
 
132 THE LIFE AND OPHSTIOI^S 
 
 uncle Toby, rifing up by my father s help, fay no 
 more about it; — you are heartily welcome, had it 
 been ten times as much, brother. But 'tis ungene- 
 rous, replied my father, to hurt any man ; a 
 
 brother worfe;— — but to hurt a brother of fucli 
 gentle manners, — fo unprovoking, — and fo unrefent- 
 
 ing;' ''tis bafe : By Heaven, 'tis cowardly. — • 
 
 You are heartily w elcome, brother, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, had it been fifty times as much. Be- 
 
 fides, what have I to do, my dear Toby, cried my 
 father, either with your amufements or your plea- 
 fures, unlefs it was in my power (which it is not) to 
 increafe their rneafure? 
 
 Brother Shandy, anfwered my uncle Toby, 
 
 looking wiftfully in his face, -you are much 
 
 miftaken in this point: — for you do increafe my 
 pleafure very much, in begetting children for the 
 Shandy family at your time of life. — But, by that, 
 Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Mr. Shandy increafes his own. 
 — Not a jot; quoth my father. 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 MY brother does it, quoth my uncle Toby, out 
 
 of principle. In a family way, I fuppofe, quoth 
 
 Dr. Slop. Pihaw ! — faid my father, — 'tis not 
 
 worth talking of. 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 
 AT the end of the laft chapter, my father and 
 my uncle Toby were left both ftanding, like Brutus 
 
 and 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 133 
 
 and Caffius, at the close of the fcene, making up 
 their accounts. 
 
 As my father fpoke the three laft words, he 
 
 fat down; — my uncle Toby exactly followed his 
 example, only, that before he took his chair, he rung 
 the bell, to order Corporal Trim, who was in wait- 
 ing, to ftep home for Stevinus : — my uncle Toby's 
 houfe being no farther off' than the oppofite fide of 
 the way. 
 
 Some men would have dropped the fubjeSl of 
 
 Stevinus ; but my uncle Toby had no refent- 
 
 ment inhis heart, and he went on with the fubjeft, 
 to ftiew my father that he had none. 
 
 Your fudden appearance, Dr. Slop, quoth my 
 uncle, refuming the difcourfe, inftantly brought 
 Stevinus into my head. (My father, you may be 
 fure, did not offer to lay any more wagers upon 
 
 Stevinus's head.) Becaufe, continued my uncle 
 
 Toby, the celebrated failing chariot, which be- 
 longed to Prince Maurice, and was of fach wonder- 
 ful contrivance and velocity, as to carry half a dozen 
 people thirty German miles, in I don't know how 
 few minutes,— was invented by Stevinus^ that 
 great miathematician and engineer. 
 
 You might have fpared your lervant the trouble, 
 quoth Dr. Slop, (as the fellow is lame) of going for 
 Stevinus's account of it, becaufe in my return from 
 Leyden thro' the Hague, I walked as far as Schev- 
 ling, which is two long miles^ on purpofe to take a 
 view of it. 
 
 That's nothing, I'eplied my uncle Toby, to what 
 the learned Peireffiius did, who walked a matter of 
 
 K 3 hye 
 
134 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 five hundred miles, reckoning from Paris to Schev- 
 ling, and from Schevling to Paris back again, in 
 order to fee it, — and nothing elfe. 
 
 Some men cannot bear to be out-gone. 
 
 The more fool Peirefkius, replied Dr. Slop, 
 But mark, 'twas out of no contempt of Peireikius 
 at all ; but that Peireflvius s indefatigable la- 
 bour in trudging fo far on foot, out of love for the 
 fciences, reduced the exploit of Dr. Slop, in that 
 affair, to nothing: — the more fool Peirelkius, faid 
 he again. — Why fo? — replied my father, taking his 
 brother s part, not only to make reparation as faft 
 as he could for the infult he had given him, which 
 
 fat ftill upon my fathers mind; but partly, 
 
 that my father began really to intereft himfelf in 
 
 the difcourfe. Why fo? faid he. Why is 
 
 Peirefkius, or any man elle, to be abufed for an 
 appetite for that, or any other morfel of found 
 knowledge : for notwithftanding I know^ nothing of 
 the chariot in queftion, continued he, the inventor 
 of it muft have had a very mechanical head ; — and 
 tho' I cannot guefs upon what principles of philofo- 
 phyhe has achieved it; — yet certainly his machine 
 has been conftrufiled upon folid ones, be they what 
 they will, or it could not have anfwered at the 
 rate my brother mentions. 
 
 It aniVered, replied my uncle Toby, as well, 
 if not better ; for, as Peirefkius elegantly expreffes 
 it, fpeaking of the velocity of its motion, Tarn citus 
 erat, qitam erat ventus\ which, unlefs I have forgot 
 my Latin, is, that it was as Jwift as the winditfelf. 
 
 But 
 
OT TRISTRAM SHANDY. 135 
 
 T3ut pray, Dr. Slop, quoth my father, inter- 
 rupting my uncle (tho' not without begging pardon 
 for it at the fame time) upon what principles was 
 this felf-fame chariot fet a-going? — Upon very 
 pretty principles to be fure, replied Dr. Slop : — > 
 and I have often wondered, continued he, evading 
 the queftion, why none of our gentry, ivho live 
 upon large plains like this of ours,— (efpecially they 
 whole wives are not paft child-bearing) attempt 
 nothing of this kind ; for it w^ould not only be in- 
 finitely expeditious upon fudden calls, to w^hich 
 the fex is fubjefil, — if the wind only ferved,— but 
 would be excellent good hulbandry to make ufe of 
 the winds, which coft nothing, and which eat 
 nothing, rather than horfes, which (the devil take 
 'em) both coft and eat a great deal. 
 
 For that very reafon, replied my father, Be- 
 " caufe they coft nothing, and becaufe they eat 
 
 nothing," — the fcheme is bad ; — it is the con- 
 fumption of our products, as well as the manu- 
 factures of them, which gives bread to the hungry, 
 circulates trade, brings in money, and fupports the 
 value of our lands;— and tho'^ I own, if I w^as 
 a Prince, I would generoufly recompenfe the 
 Scientific head which brought forth fuch contriv- 
 ances; — yet I would as peremptorily fupprefs the 
 •ufe of them. 
 
 My father here had got into his element,-- 
 
 -and was going on as profperoufly with his differ- 
 tation upon trade, as my uncle Toby had before, 
 upon his of fortification; — but to the lofs of 
 much ibund knowledge, the deftinies in the 
 
 K 4 morning 
 
136 THE LIFE AISTD OPINIONS 
 
 morning had decreed that no differtation of any 
 
 kind fnould be fpun by my father that day, 
 
 for as he opened his mouth to begin the next 
 fentence, 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 IN popped Corporal Trim with Stevinus:— 
 But 'twas too late, — all the difcourfe had been 
 exhauited without him, and was running into a 
 new channel. 
 
 — ^You may take the book home again. Trim, 
 faid my uncle Toby, nodding to him. 
 
 But prithee, Corporal, quoth my father, droll- 
 ing, — look firft into it, and fee if thou canft fpy 
 aught of a failing chariot in it. 
 
 Corporal Trim, by being in the fervice, had 
 learned to obey, — and not to remonftrate ; — fo 
 taking the book to a fide-table, and running over 
 the leaves ; An pleafe your Honour, faid Trim, 
 I can fee no fuch thing ;— however, continued 
 the Corporal, drolling a little in his turn. Til make 
 fure work of it, an' pleafe your Honour : — fo 
 taking hold of the two covers of the book, one in 
 each hand, and letting the leaves fall down as he 
 bent the covers back, he gave the book a good 
 found fhake. 
 
 There is fomething falling out, however, faid 
 Trim, an' pleafe your Honour ; — but it is not a 
 chariot, or any thing like one. — Prithee, Corporal, 
 faid my father, fmiling, what is it then ? — I think, 
 
 anfwered 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I37 
 
 anfwered Trim, ftoopiiig to take it up, ^'tis 
 
 more like a fermon, for it begins with a 
 
 text of fcripture, and the chapter and verfe; — 
 and then goes on, not as a chariot, but like a fer- 
 mon direfilly. 
 
 The company fmiled. 
 . I cannot conceive how it is poffible, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, for fuch a thing as a.fermon to have 
 got into my Stevinus. 
 
 I tliink 'tis a fermon, replied Trim ; — but if it 
 pleafe your Honours, as it is a fair hand, I will 
 read you a page ; — for Trim, you mult know, loved 
 to hear himfelf read almoft as well as talk. 
 
 I have ever a ftrong propenfity, faid my father, 
 to look into things which crofs my way, by fuch 
 ftrange fataUties as thefe : — and as we have nothin^y 
 better to do, at leaft till Obadiah gets back^ I fliall ^ 
 be obliged to you, brother, if Dr, Slop has no 
 objection to it, to order the Corporal to give us a 
 page or two of it, — if he is as able to do it, as he 
 feems willing. An' pleafe your Honour, quoth 
 Trim, I officiated two whole campaigns, in Flanders, 
 
 as clerk to the chaplain of the regiment. He 
 
 can read it, quoth my uncle Toby, as well as I 
 
 can. Trim, I alTure you, was the beft fcholar 
 
 in my company, and fhould have had the next 
 halberd, but for the poor fellovv^'s misfortune. Cor- 
 poral Trim laid his hand upon his heart, and made 
 an humble bow to his mafter ; — then lavino; down 
 his hat upon the floor, and taking up the fermon in 
 his left hand, in order to have his right at Hberty, 
 — -he advanced, nothing doubting^ into the middle 
 
 of 
 
' THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ^of the room, where he could beft fee, and be befi; 
 feen by his audience. 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 — IF you have any objeClion, — faid my father, 
 mldreiing himfeif to Dr Slop. — Not in the leaft, re- 
 plied Dr. Slop ; — for it docs not appear on which 
 
 €de of the queftion it is wrote, it may be a 
 
 compofition of a divine of our cburch, as well as 
 
 yours, — fo that we run equal rifques. 'Tis 
 
 wrote upon neither fide, quoth Trim, for 'tis only 
 upon Conjdence^ 'an pleafe your Honours. 
 
 Trim's reafonput his audience into good humour, 
 ' — all but Dr. Slop, who turning his head about 
 towards Trim, looked a little angry. 
 
 Begin, Trim,- — ^and read diftioftly, quoth my 
 father. — I will, an' pleafe your Honour, replied 
 the Corporal, making a bow, and befpeaking atten- 
 tion witli a flight movement of his right hand. 
 
 CHAP. XVII, 
 
 .But before the Corporal begins, I muft 
 
 firft give you a defcription of his attitude ; 
 
 otherwife he will naturally fiand reprefented, by 
 y our imagination, in an uneafy pofture, — ftiff, — 
 perpendicular, — dividing the weight of his body 
 
 equally upon both legs ; his eye fixed, as if on 
 
 duty; — his look determined, — clenching the fermon 
 
 ill 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I39 
 
 ill his left hand, like his firelock.- In a word, 
 
 you would be apt to paint Trim, as if he was 
 ftanding in his platoon ready for a6ticn. — His 
 attitude was as unlike all this as you can con- 
 ceive. 
 
 He ftood before them with his body fwayed, and 
 bent forwards, juft fo far as to make an angle 
 of 85 degrees and a half upon the plain of the 
 horizon ; — which found orators, to whom I addrefs 
 this, know very well to be the true perfuafive angle 
 of incidence; — in any other angle you may talk 
 and preach ; — 'tis certain ; — and it is done every 
 day ; — but with what effeft, — I leave the world to 
 judge ! 
 
 The neceffity of this precife angle of 85 degrees 
 
 and a half to a mathematical exa6tnefs, does 
 
 it not Ihew us, by ^he way, how the arts and fciences 
 mutually befriend each other ? 
 
 How the deuce Corporal Trim, who knew not 
 fo much as an acute angle from an obtufe one, came 
 
 to hit it fo exactly ; or whether it was chance 
 
 or nature, or good fenfe or imitation, fhall be 
 commented upon in that part of the cyclopaedia 
 of arts and fciences, where the infirumental parts of 
 the eloquence of the fenate, the pulpit, and the bar, 
 the coffee-houfe, the bedchamber, and firefide, 
 fall under confideration. 
 
 He ftood, ^ — for I repeat it, to take the pifture of 
 him in at one view, with his body fvvayed, and fome- 
 what bent forwards, — his right leg from under him, 
 
 fuftaining feven-eighths of his whole weight, 
 
 the foot of his left leg, the defefit of which was no 
 
 difadvantage 
 
140 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 difadvantage to his atttitude, advanced a little, — 
 not laterally, nor forwards, but in a line betwixt 
 them ; — his knee bent, but that not violently, — but 
 fo as to fall within the limits of the line of beauty ; — 
 and I add, of the line of fcience too ; — ^for confider, 
 it had one-eighth part of his body to bear up ; — fo 
 that in this cale the pofition of the leg is determined, 
 — becaiife the foot could be no farther advanced, or 
 the knee more bent, than what would allow him, 
 mechanically to receive an eighth part of his whole 
 weight under it, and to carry it too. 
 
 ^ This I recommend to painters : — -need I add, 
 - — to orators ! — I think not ; for unlefs they pra£life 
 it, they mult fall upon their nofes. 
 
 So much for Corporal Trim's body and legs. • 
 
 He held the ferm^on loofely, not carelefsly, in his 
 left hand, railed fomething above his ftomach, and 
 
 detached a little from his breaft ; his right arm 
 
 falling negligently by his fide, as nature and the 
 
 laws of gravity ordered it^ ^but with the palm 
 
 of it open and turned towards his audience, ready 
 to aid the fentimeot in cafe it flood in need. 
 
 Corporal Trim's eyes and the mufcles of his face 
 were in full harmony with the other parts of him ; — 
 he looked frank, — unconftrained, — fomething af- 
 liired, — but not bordering upon affurance. 
 
 Let not the critic aik how Corporal Trim could 
 
 come by all this.- I've told him it fiiould be 
 
 explained ; — but fo he ftood before my father, my 
 uncle Toby, and Dr. Slop, — fo fwayed his body, fo 
 eontrafted his limbs, and with fuch an oratorical 
 
 fweep throughout the whole figure, -a fiatuary 
 
 might 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. I4I 
 
 might have modelled from it ; nay, I doubt 
 
 hether the oldeft Fellow of College,— or the He- 
 brew Profelibr himfelf, could have much mended 
 it. 
 
 Trim miade a bow, and read as follows : 
 
 The S E R M O N. 
 
 Hebrews xiii. iS. 
 'Por^ we truft, we have a good Conjcience. 
 
 " TRUST ! Truft we have a good con- 
 
 fcience !" 
 
 [Certainly, Trim, quoth my father, interrupting 
 him, you give that fentence a very improper accent ; 
 for you curl up your nofe, man, and read it witlt 
 fuch a foeering tone, as if the Parfon was going to 
 abufe the Apoftle. 
 
 He is, an pleafe your Honour, replied Trim. 
 Pugh I faid my father, fmiling. 
 
 Sir, quoth Dr. Slop, Trim is certainly in the 
 right ; for the writer (who I perceive is a Pro- 
 teftant) by the Ihappifo manner in which he takes 
 up the apoftle, is certainly going to abufe him ; — if 
 this treatment of him has not done it already. Bat 
 from whence, replied my father, have you concluded 
 fo foon. Dr. Slop, that the writer is of our church ? 
 — for aught I can fee yet,^ — ^he may be of an}^ 
 church, — Becaufe, anfwered Dr, Slop, if he was of 
 
142 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ours, he durft no more take fuch a licence, than a 
 bear by his beard : — If, in our communion, Sir, a 
 
 man was to infult an apoftle, a faint, or 
 
 even the pairing of a faint s nail, — he would have 
 his eyes fcratched out. — What, by the faint ? quoth 
 my uncle Toby.— No, replied Dr. Slop, he would 
 have an old houfe over his head. — Pray is the In- 
 quifition an ancient building, anfwered my uncle 
 Toby, or is it a modern one ? — I know nothing of 
 architefture, replied Dr. Slop. — An' pleafe your 
 Honours, quoth Trim, the Inquifition is the vileft 
 
 Prithee fpare thy defcription, Trim, I hate the 
 
 very name of it, faid my father.- — No matter for 
 that, anfwered Dr. Slop, — it has its ufes; for tho' 
 I m no great advocate for it, yet, in fuch a cafe as 
 this, he would foon be taught better manners ; and 
 I can tell him, if he went on at that rate, would be 
 flung into the Inquifition for his pains. God help 
 him then, quoth my uncle Toby. — Amen, added 
 Trim ; for Heaven above knows, I have a poor 
 brother who has been fourteen years a captive in 
 it. — I never heard one word of it before, faid my 
 uncle Toby, haftily : — How came he there. Trim ? 
 
 O, Sir, the ftory will make your heart bleed, 
 —as it has made mine a thoufand times ; — but it is 
 too long to be told now ; — your Honour fliall hear 
 it from firft to laft fome day when I am working 
 befide 3'Ou in our fortifications ; — but the fliort of 
 the ftory is this ; — That my brother Tom went over 
 a fervant to Lilbon, — and then married a Jew's 
 widow, who kept a fmall fliop, and fold faufages, 
 which, Ibmehow or other, w^as the caufe of his being 
 
 taken 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 taken in the middle of the night out of his bed^ 
 •where he was lying with his wife and two finall 
 children, and carried dire6lly to the Inquifition, 
 where, God help him, continued Trim, fetching a 
 figh from the bottom of his heart, — the poorhoneft 
 lad lies confined at this hour. He was as honefi 
 a foul, added Trim, (pulling out his handkerchief) 
 as ever blood warmed. 
 
 The tears trickled down Trim's cheeks fafter 
 than he could well wipe them away. — A dead 
 filence in the room enfued for Ibme minutes. — 
 Certain proof of pity ! 
 
 Come, Trim, quoth my father, after he ikw the 
 poor fellow's grief had got a little vent,-- -read oi% 
 ' — and put this melancholy ftory out of thy head : — 
 I grieve that I interrupted thee ; but prithee begin 
 the lermon again ; — for if the firft fentence in it is 
 matter of abufe, as thou fayeft, I have a great defire 
 to know what kind of provocation the apoftla has 
 o;iven. 
 
 Corporal Trim wiped his face, and returned 
 his handkerchief into his pocket, aiul, making a 
 bow as he did it, — he began again.] 
 
 The SERMON. 
 
 Hebrews xiii. 18. 
 For, we truft, we have a good Conjcience,— 
 
 TRUST!— truft we have a good confcience ! 
 " Surely if there is a^y thing in this lite which 
 
 " a mail 
 
144 THE LIFE AND OPHSTIOISTS 
 
 " a man may depend upon, and to the know* 
 ledge of which he is capable of arriving upon 
 the moft indifputable evidence, it muft be this 
 very thing, —whether he has a good confcience 
 or no." 
 
 [I am pofitive I am right, quoth Dr. Slop.] 
 " If a man thinks at all, he cannot well be a 
 
 " ftranger to the true ftate of this account : 
 
 " he muft be privy to his own thoughts and 
 ^' defires ; — he muft remember his paft purfuits, 
 and know certainly the true fprings and motives, 
 which, in general, have governed the aftions of 
 his life." 
 
 [I dety him, vvithout an affiftant, quoth Dr. 
 Slop.] 
 
 ^' In other matters we may be deceived by falle 
 appearances ; and, as the wife man complains, 
 hardly do zve guejs aright at the things that are 
 upon the earthy and with labour do we find the 
 things that 'are before us. But here the mind 
 ^' has all the evidence and fafils within herfelf ; 
 
 — is confcious of the web Ihe has wove ; 
 
 knows its texture . and finenefs, and the exaft 
 fhare which every paffion has had in working 
 upon the feveral defigns which virtue or vice 
 has planned before her." 
 
 [The language is good, and I declare Trim reads 
 very well, quoth my father.] 
 
 Now, — as confcience is nothing elfe but the 
 " knowledge which the mind has within herfelf 
 
 of this; and the judgment, either of approbation 
 " or cenfure, which it unavoidably makes upon 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 145 
 
 the fucceffive anions of our lives ; 'tis plain you 
 " will lay, from the very terms of the propofition, 
 ^' ' — whenever this inward teftimony goes againft 
 a man, and he ftands felf-accufed, that he muft 
 neceflarily be a guilty man. — And, on the con- 
 trary, when the report is favourable on his fide, 
 and his heart condemns him not: — that it is not 
 a matter of /r^, as the apoftle intimates, but a 
 " matter of certainty and fa6l, that the con- 
 " fcience is good, and that the man muft be good 
 " alfo." 
 
 [Then the apoftle is altogether in the wrong, I fup- 
 pofe, quoth Dr. Slop, and the Protefcant divine is 
 in the right. Sir, have patience, replied my father, 
 for I think it will prefently appear that St. Paul 
 and the Proteftant divine are both of an opinion. — - 
 As nearly fo, quoth Dr. Slop, as eaft is to weft ; — ^ 
 but this, continued he, lifting both hands, comes 
 from the liberty of the prefs. 
 
 It is no more at the worfi, replied my uncle 
 Toby, than the liberty of the pulpit ; for it does 
 not appear that the fermon is printed, or ever 
 likely to be. 
 
 Go on. Trim, quoth my father.] 
 
 At firft fight this may feem to be a true ftate 
 " of the cafe : and I make no doubt but the know- 
 ledge of right and wrong is fo truly imprefled 
 upon the mind of man, — that did no fuch thing 
 " ever happen, as that the confcience of a man, by 
 " long habits of fin, might (as the fcripture aflures 
 it may) infenfibly become hard; — and, like 
 fome tender parts of his body, by much ftrefs 
 vol, I. L and 
 
146 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and continaal hard ufage, lofe by degrees that 
 nice lenfe and perception with which God and 
 nature endowed it: — Did this never happen; — 
 or was it certain that felf-love could never hang 
 the leaft bias upon the judgment; — or that the 
 ^ Uttle interefts below could rile up and perplex 
 the faculties of our upper regions, and encompafs 
 them about with clouds and thick darknefs : 
 — — Could no fuch thing as favour and aiTec- 
 tion enter this facred Court: — Did Wit dif- 
 dain to take a bribe in it ; — or was afnanied 
 to fliew its face as an advocate for an unwar- 
 ^' rantable enjoyment: — Or, laftly, were we af- 
 " fured that Intereft ftood always unconcern- 
 " ed whilft the caufe was hearings — and that 
 " Paffion never got into the judgment-feat^ and 
 pronounced fentence in the ftead of Reafon, 
 " which is fuppofed always to prefide and de- 
 termine upon the cafe : — Was tliis tmly fo, as 
 the obje6lion muft fuppofe; — no doubt then 
 the religious and moral ftate of a man would 
 ^' be exactly what he himfelf efteemed it : — and 
 ^' the guilt or innocence of every man's life could 
 be known, in general, by no better meallire, 
 than the degrees of his own approbation ai^d 
 " cenfure. 
 
 I own, in one cafe, whenever a man s con- 
 fcience does accufe him (as it feldom errs on 
 that fide) that he is guilty ; and unlefs in melan- 
 choly and hypochondriac cafes, we may fafely 
 
 ^' pronounce upon it, that there is always fufficient 
 
 " grounds for the accufation. 
 
 But 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I47 
 
 But the converfe of the propofition w ill not 
 hold true ; namely, that whenever there is 
 
 " guilt, the confcience muft accufe ; and if it does 
 
 not, that a man is therefore innocent. This 
 
 is not fa6l So that the common confola* 
 
 tion which fome good Chriftian or other is 
 
 " hourly adminiftering to himlelf,^ — that he thanks 
 God his mind does not mifgive him; and that, 
 confequently, he has a good confcience, becaufe 
 he hath a quiet one, — is fallacious; — and as 
 current as the inference is, and as infallible as 
 
 " the rule appears at firft fight, yet when you look 
 nearer to it, and try the truth of this rule upon 
 plain fa6ls, you fee it liable to fo much error 
 
 ^' from a falfe application ; the principle upon 
 
 which it goes fo often perverted ;- the whole 
 
 " force of it loft, and fome times fo vilely caft away, 
 that it is painful to produce the common ex- 
 ' " amples from human life, v,hich confirm the 
 account. 
 
 Amanfhall be vicious and utterly debauched 
 in his principles ; — exceptionable in his conduct 
 to the world ; fhall live fnamelefs, in the open 
 commifiion of a fm w^hich no realbn or pretence 
 
 can juftify, a fm by which, contrary to all 
 
 the wwkings of humanity, he fhall ruin for ever 
 the deluded partner of his guilt ; — rob her of her 
 ^' beft dowry; and not only cover her own head 
 ^' with diflionour; — but involve a whole virtuous 
 family in fhame and forrow for her fake. Surely^ 
 you will think confcience muft lead fuch a man a 
 
 L 2 troublefome 
 
I4S THE LIFE A^D OPINIONS 
 
 troublefome life ; he can have no reft night or 
 " day from its reproaches. 
 
 Alas! Conscience had fomething elle to do 
 " all this time, than break in upon him ; as Elijah 
 
 " reproached the god Baal, this domeftic god 
 
 ^' was either talking^ or purfuing^ or was on a 
 
 journey^ or per adventure he Jlept^ and could not he 
 ^' awoke. 
 
 Perhaps He was gone out in company with 
 " Honour to fight a duel : to pay off fome debt at 
 
 " play;- or dirty annuity, the bargain of his 
 
 luft Perhaps Conscience all this time was 
 engaged at home, talking aloud againft petty 
 larcency, and executing vengeance upon fome 
 ^' fuch puny crimes, as his fortune and rank of life 
 " fecured him againft all temptation of committing ; 
 
 ^' fo that he lives as merrily" [If he was of our 
 
 church, tho', quoth Dr. Slop, he could not] — 
 fleeps as foundly in his bed ; — and at laft meets 
 death as unconcernedly ; — perhaps much more 
 fo, than a much better man." 
 [All this is impoffible with us, quoth Dr. Slop, 
 turning to my father ;^ — the cafe could not happen 
 in our church,- — It happens in ours, however, 
 
 replied my father, but too often. 1 own, quoth 
 
 Dr. Slop, (ftruck a little with my father's frank 
 acknowledgment)— that a man in theRomifh church 
 ixiay live as badly ■ —but then he cannot eafily die 
 fo.— — 'Tis little matter, replied my father, with 
 an air of indifference, —how a rafcal dies. — I mean, 
 anfwered Dr. Slop, he would be denied the benefits 
 of the laft facraments. — Pray how mamy have you 
 
 in 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 149 
 
 in all, laid my uncle Toby, for I always forget ? 
 
 Seven, anfwered Dr. Slop. Humph ! — 
 
 faid my uncle Toby; tho' not accented as a note 
 of acquiefcence, — but as an interjeftion of that 
 particular fpecies of furprize, when a man in looking 
 into a drawer, finds more of a thing than he ex- 
 pefted. — Humph! replied my uncle Toby. Dr. 
 Slop, who had an ear, underftood my uncle Toby 
 as well as if he had wrote a whole volume a£[ainft 
 
 the leven facraments. Humph! replied Dr. 
 
 Slop, (ftating my uncle Tobys argument over 
 
 again to him)— Why, Sir, are there not feven 
 
 cardinal virtues ? Seven mortal fins? -Seven 
 
 golden candlefticks ? Seven heavens ? — 'Tis 
 
 more than I know, replied my uncle Toby. 
 
 Are there not feven wonders of the world ? 
 
 Seven days of the creation? Seven planets? 
 
 Seven plagues ? That there are, quoth my 
 
 father, with a moft affefted gravity. But prithee, 
 continued he, go on with the reft of thy characters, 
 Trim.] 
 
 " Another is fordid, unmerciful," (here Trim 
 waved his right hand) a ftrait-hearted, felfifii 
 wretch, incapable either of private friendfliip or 
 public Ipirit. Take notice how he pafles by 
 the widow and orphan in their diftrefs, and fees 
 ^' all the miferies incident to human life without 
 " a figh or a prayer." [An' pleafe your Honours, 
 cried Trim, I think this a viler man than the 
 other.] 
 
 " Shall not confcience rife up and fting him on 
 
 fuch occafions } No ; thank God there is no 
 
 L 3 Qccafion, 
 
1.50 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 occafion, I fay every man his ozvu^ — / have m 
 fornication to anfwer to my con/cience ; — no fait 
 lejs vows or projnijes to make up; — I have de- 
 hauched ?w mans wife or child ; thank God^ I am 
 not as other men^ adulterers^ unjufl^ or even as this 
 libertine^ who fiands before me. 
 
 A third is crafty and defigning in his nature. 
 View his whole life : — 'tis nothinsjbut acunninc[ 
 contexture of dark arts and unequitable fubter- 
 fuges, bafely to defeat the true intent of all laws, 
 
 plain dealing, and the fafe enjoyment of 
 
 our feveral properties. You will fee fuch a 
 
 one working out a frame of little defigns upon 
 *^ the ignorance and perplexities of the poor and 
 ^' needy man ; — fhall raile a fortune upon the inex- 
 perience of a youth, or the unfufpefiting temper 
 of his friend, who w^ould have trufted him with 
 his life. 
 
 When old age comes on, and repentance calls 
 him to look back upon this black account, and 
 
 ftate it over again with his confcience Con- 
 
 SCIENCE looks into the Statutes at Large ; — • 
 finds no exprefs law broken by what he has done ; 
 — perceives no penalty or forfeiture of goods 
 and chattels incurred : — ^fees no fcouro;e wavincp 
 over his head, or prifon opening its gates upon 
 him : — What is there to affright his confcience ? 
 • — Confcience has got fafely entrenched behind 
 the Letter of the Law ; fits there invulnerable, 
 
 ^' fortified with Cafe0 and Jiicpcj:t0 fo ftrongly on 
 all fides, — that it is not preaching can difpoifels 
 
 " it of its hold." 
 
 [Here 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 151 . 
 
 [Here Corporal Trim and my uncle Toby ex- 
 changed looks with each other. — Aye, aye, Triai ! 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby, fliaking his head,« . 
 
 thefe are but lorry fortifications, Trim. O! 
 
 very poor work, aniwered Trim, to what your 
 
 Honour and I make of it. The charafiler of 
 
 this laft man, faid Dr. Slop, interrupting Trim, is 
 more deteftable than all the reft ; and feems to 
 liave been taken from fome pettifogging Lawyer 
 amongft you. Amongft us, a mans confcience 
 
 could not poiEbly continue fo long blinded: 
 
 three times in a year, at leaft, he muft go to con- 
 feflion. — Will that reftore it to fight ? quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby. Go on. Trim, quoth my father, 
 
 or Obadiah w ill have got back before thou haft got 
 to the end of thy fermon. — - — ^'Tis a very Ihort one, 
 replied Trim. — ^— I wiQi it was longer, quoth my 
 uncle Toby, for I like it hugely. — Trim went on.] 
 A fourth man fhall want even this refuge; — 
 fhall break through all their ceremony of flow 
 
 chicane; fcorns the doubtful workings of 
 
 fecret plots and cautious trains to bring about his 
 purpofe : — —See the barefaced villain, how he 
 " cheats, lies, perjures, robs, murders ! — Horrid ! — - 
 " But indeed much better was not to be expelled 
 in the prefent cafe — the poor man was in the 
 
 dark ! his prieft had got the keeping of his 
 
 confcience ; and all he would let him know 
 
 " of it, was, That he muft believe in the Pope ; — 
 " go to Mafs ; — crofs himfelf; — tell his beads; — ^ 
 " be a good Catholic ; and that this, in all con- 
 ibience, was enough to carry him to heaven. 
 
 L 4 " What! 
 
152 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 " What ! — if he perjures ? — Why^,^ — he had a 
 mental relervation in it. — But if he is fo wicked 
 and abandoned a wretch as you reprefent him ; — 
 if he robs, — if he ftabs, will not confcience, on 
 every fuch afit, receive a wound itfelf ? — Aye, — 
 
 but the man has carried it to confeflion ; the 
 
 w^ound digefts there, and will do well enough, 
 
 " and in a fhort time be quite healed up by abfo- 
 
 " lution. O Popery ! what haft thou to anfwer 
 for ! when not content with the too many 
 
 " natural and fatal ways, thro' which the heart of 
 man is every day thus treacherous to itfelf above 
 
 " all things ; — thou haft wilfully fet open the w ide 
 gate of deceit before the face of this unwary 
 traveller, — too apt, God knows, to go aftray of 
 
 ^' himfelf, and confidently fpeak peace to himfelf, 
 when there is no peace. 
 
 " Of this the common inftances which I have 
 
 drawn out of life, are too notorious to require 
 ^' much evidence. If any man doubts the re- 
 " ality of them, or thinks it impolTible for a man 
 " to be fuch a bubble to himfelf, — I muft refer 
 
 him a moment to his own refleftions, and will 
 ^' then venture to truft my appeal with his own 
 
 heart. 
 
 Let him confider in how different a degree of 
 deteftation, numbers of wicked afilions ftand //zd'r^, 
 tho' equally bad and vicious in their own natures ; 
 • — he will foon find, that fuch of them as ftrong; 
 inclination and cuftom have prompted him to 
 commit, are generally dreffed out and painted 
 with all the falfe beauties which a foft and a 
 
 flattering 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1 53 
 
 flattering hand can give them ; — and that the 
 others, to which he feels no propenfity, appear 
 at once naked and deformed, furrounded with 
 ^' all the true circumftances of folly and dif- 
 honour. 
 
 " When David furprized Saul fleeping in the 
 cave, and cut off the fkirt of his robe, — we read 
 that his heart fmote him for what he had done : — 
 but in the matter of Uriah, where a faithful and 
 " gallant fervant, whom he ought to have loved and 
 " honoured, fell to make way for his lufl:,^ — where 
 ^' confcience had fo much greater reafon to take the 
 alarm, his heart fmote him not. A whole 
 ^' year had almoft palTed from the firft commif- 
 lion of that crime, to the time Nathan was fent 
 to reprove him; and we read not once of the 
 ^' leaft forrow or compunftion of heart which he 
 " teftified, during all that time, for Avhat he had 
 " done. 
 
 Thus confcience, this once able monitor, — - 
 " placed on high as a judge within us, and in- 
 tended by our Maker as a juft and equitable 
 " one too, — by an unhappy train of caufes and 
 " impediments, takes often fuch imperfefil cogni- 
 " zance, of what pafles, — does its office fo negli- 
 gently, — fometimes fo corruptly, that it is not 
 to be trufted alone ; and therefore we find there 
 " is a neceffity, an abfolute neceffity, of joining 
 another principle with it, to aid, if not govern, its 
 " determinations. 
 
 " So that, if you w^ould form a juft judgment 
 of what is of infinite importance to you not to 
 
 " be 
 
154 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 be milled in^— namely, in what degree of real 
 " merit you ftand, either as an honeft man^ an ufe- 
 ful citizen^ a faithful fubjefl: to your king, or a 
 ^' good fervant to your God, — call in religion and 
 ^' morality. Look : V/hat is written in the law of 
 
 ^' God? How readeft thou? — Confult calm 
 
 " reafon and the unchangeable obligations of juftice 
 and truth ; — what fay they ? 
 " Let Conscience determine the matter upon 
 thele reports ; — and then if thy heart condemns 
 thee not, which is the cafe the apoftle fuppofes, — • 
 the rule will be infallible — [Here Dr. Slop fell 
 afleep] — " thou wilt have confidence towards God; — - 
 * that is, have j aft grounds to believe the judgment 
 thou haft paft upon thylelf, is the judgment of 
 God ; and nothing elfe but an anticipation of that 
 righteous fentence whicii will be pronounced upon 
 thee hereafter by that Being, to whom thou art 
 " finally to give an account of thy a&ions. 
 
 " Bleffed is the man^ indeed, then, as the author of 
 the book of Ecclefiafticus exprefles it, who is not 
 ^' pricked with the multitude of his fins : hlejfed is 
 " the man whoje heart hath not condemned him' ; 
 whether he be rich^ or whether^ he be poor, if he 
 have a good heart (a heart thus guided and in- 
 formed) he fliall at all times rejoice in a cheerful 
 countenance; his mind fhall tell him more than 
 Jeven watchmen that fit above upon a tower on 
 ^' highr — [A tower has no ftrength, quoth my unr 
 cle Toby, unlefs 'tis flanked.] — Li the darkeft 
 doubts it fhall conduQ: him lafer than a thoufand 
 cafuifts, and give the ftate he lives in a better 
 
 fecurity 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 fecurity for his behaviour than all the caufes 
 and reftrifitions put together, which law-makers 
 are forced to multiply '—forced, I fay, as things 
 ftand ; human laws not being a matter of original 
 choice, but of pure neceffity, brought in to fence 
 " againft the mifchievous effefts of thofe confci- 
 " ences which are no law unto themfelves; well 
 intending, by the many provifions made, — that 
 " in all fuch corrupt and ipifguided cafes, where 
 principles anci the checks of confcience will 
 not make us upright, — to fuppiy their force, 
 and, by the terrors of gaols and halters, obli^-e us 
 
 [I fee plainly, faid my father, that this fermon 
 has been compofed to be preached at the Temple, 
 — or at fome Affize. — I like the reafoning, — and 
 am forry that Dr. Slop has fallen afleep before 
 the time of his conviftion; — for it is now clear, 
 that the Parfon, as I thought at firft, never in- 
 fulted St. Paul in the leaft ; — nor has there been, 
 
 brother, the leaft difference between them. A 
 
 great matter, if they had differed, replied my uncle 
 Toby ! — the belt friends in the world may differ 
 
 fometimes. True,^ — brotlier Toby, quoth my 
 
 father, ftiaking hands, with him, — we'll fill our 
 pipes, brother, and then Trim ftiall go on. 
 
 Well, — what doft thou think of it? faid my 
 father, ipeaking to Corporal Trim, as he reached 
 his tobacco-box. 
 
 I think, anfVvered the Corporal, that the feven 
 watchmen upon the tower, — who, I llippofe, are 
 all fentiaels there, — are more, an' pleafe your 
 
 Honour, 
 
I5(> THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Honour, than were neceffary; — and, to go on at 
 that rate, would harals a regiment all to pieces, 
 which a commanding-officer, who loves his men, 
 will never do, if he can help it, becauletwo fentinels, 
 added the Corporal, are as good as twenty. — I 
 have been a commanding-officer myfelf in the 
 Corps de Garde a hundred times, continued Trim, 
 rifing an inch higher in his figure, as he fpoke ; — 
 and all the time I h^d the honour to ferve his 
 Majefty King William, in relieving the moft con- 
 fiderable pofts, I never left more than two in my 
 
 life. Very right. Trim, quoth my uncle Toby ; 
 
 — but you do not confider. Trim, that the towers, 
 in Solomon s days, w^ere not fuch things as our 
 baftions, flanked and defended by other works. 
 This, Trim, was an invention fmce Solomon's 
 death ; nor had they horn-works, or ravelins before 
 the curtain, in his time ; — or fuch a fofle as we 
 make with a cuvette in the middle of it, and with 
 covered w^ays and counter- fcarps pallifadoed along 
 it, to guard againft a cowp de main : — fo that the 
 feven men upon the tower were a party, I dare fay, 
 from the Corps de Garde^ fet there, not only to look 
 
 out, but to defend it. They could be no more, 
 
 an' pleafe your Honour, than a corporal's guard. 
 
 • My father fmiled inwardly, but not outwardly; 
 
 — the fubjefit being rather too ferious, confidering 
 what had happened, to make a jeft of ; — fo putting 
 his pipe into his mouth, which he had juft lighted, — 
 he contented himfelf with ordering Trim to read on. 
 He read on as follows : — 
 
 To have the fear of God before our eyes^ 
 
 and, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 157 
 
 and, in our mutual dealings with each other, to 
 " govern our aftions by the eternal meafures of 
 " right and wrong; — the firft of thefe will com- 
 " prehend the duties of religion; — the fecond, thofe 
 
 of morality, which are fo infeparably conne61:ed 
 " together, that you cannot divide thefe two tables^ 
 
 even in imagination (though the attempt is often 
 
 made in practice) without breaking and mutually 
 
 deftroying them both. 
 
 I faid the attempt is often made; and fo it 
 " is; — there being nothing more common than to 
 " fee a man who has no fenfe at all of religion, 
 
 and indeed has fo much honefty as to pretend 
 " to none, who w ould take it as the bittereft affront, 
 
 fliould you but hint at a fufpicion of his moral 
 " character, — or imagine he was not confcientioufly 
 
 juft and fcrupulous to the uttermoft mite. 
 
 " When there is fome appearance that it is fo, — 
 
 tho' one is unwilling even to fufpeft the appear- 
 
 ance of fo amiable a Virtue as moral honefty, 
 " yet were we to look into the grounds of it, 
 " in the prefent cafe, I am perfuaded we fhould 
 " find little reafon to envy fuch a one the honour 
 " of his motive. 
 
 " Let him declaim as pompoufly as he choofes 
 " upon the fubject, it will be found to reft upon 
 " no better foundation than either his intereft, 
 " his pride, his eafe, or fome fuch little and change- 
 
 able paffion as will give us but fmall depend- 
 " ence upon his actions in matters of great diftrefs. 
 I will illuftrate this by an example. 
 
 " I know the banker I deal with, or the phy- 
 
 " fician 
 
158 THE LIFE A^D OPINIONS 
 
 ^' fician I ufually call in," — [There is no need, 
 cried Dr. Slop, wakings to call in any phy fician 
 in this cafe] — to be neither of them men of 
 much religion : I hear them make jeft of it every 
 day, and treat all its fanftions with fo much 
 fcorn, as to put the matter paft doubt. Well ; 
 " ■ — notwithftanding this, I put my fortune into 
 " the hands of the one : — and what is dearer ftill 
 to me, I truft my life to the honeft ikill of the 
 " other. 
 
 " Now, let me examine what is my reafon for 
 this great confidence. Why, in the firft place, 
 I believe there is no probability that either of 
 them will employ the power I put into their hands 
 " to my difadvantage ; — I confider that honefi:y 
 ^' ferves the purpofes of this life : — I know their 
 ^' fuccefs in the world depends upon the fairnefs of 
 their characters. — In a word, I'm perfuaded that 
 *^ they cannot hurt me without hurting themfelves 
 " more. 
 
 " But put it otherwife ; namely, that intereft 
 " lay, for once, on the other fide ; that a cafe 
 ftiould happen, wherein the one, v/ithout ftain 
 to his reputation, could fecrete my fortune, and 
 leave me naked in the v/orld ; — or that the 
 other could fend me out of it, and enjoy an 
 eftate by my death, without difnonour to him- 
 felfor his art; — in this cafe, what hold have 
 " I of either of them ? — Religion, the ftrongeft of 
 all motives, is out of the queftion ; — intereft, the 
 next moft powerful motive in the world, is 
 
 ftrongly againft me : What have I left to 
 
 " " caft 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. j-g 
 
 caft into the oppoiite Icale to balance this 
 
 temptation ? —Alas ! I have nothing — nothing 
 
 but what is lighter than a bubble : 1 niuft 
 
 lie at the mercy of Honour, or fome luch 
 ^' capricious principle, — ftrait fecurity for two of 
 the moft valuable bleffmgs ! — my property and 
 my life. 
 
 As therefore we can have no dependence 
 upon morality without religion ; — fo, on the 
 other hand, — there is nothing better to be 
 expefted from religion without morality; ne- 
 
 ^' vertheiefs, 'tis no prodigy to fee a m_an whole 
 real moral charafter ftands very low^, who yet 
 entertains the higheft notion of himfelf in the 
 lidit of a relidous man. 
 
 He fliall not only be covetous, revengeful, 
 implacable, — but even w^anting in points of 
 common honefty; yet inafmuch as he talks 
 
 " aloud againft the infidelity of the age, — is 
 zealous for fome points of religion, — goes twice 
 a day to church, — attends the facraments, 
 
 " and amufes himfelf with a few inftrumental 
 parts of religion, — ihall cheat his confcience 
 into a judgment, that, for this, he is a reli- 
 gious man, and has difcharged truly his duty 
 
 " to God : and you will find that fuch a man^ 
 through force of this delufion, generally looks 
 
 " down, with fpiritual pride upon every other 
 
 ^' man who has lels affe6tation of piety,- — though^ 
 
 ^' perhaps, ten times more real honefty than 
 himfelf. 
 
 This /ike wife is a fore evil mtder the jun ; and^ 
 
 I believCj 
 
l6o THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 " T believe, there is no one miftaken principle^ 
 which, for its time, has wrought more ferious 
 
 " miichiefs. For a general proof of this,--— 
 
 examine the hiftory of the Romifti church;" — 
 [Well what can you make of that ? cried Dr. Slop] 
 — " fee what fcenes of cruelty, murder, rapine, 
 " bloodihed" — [They may thank their ow^n obfti- 
 nacy, cried Dr. Slop]—" have all been fanftified 
 by a religion not ftriftly governed by morality ! 
 " In how many kingdoms of the world" — [Here 
 Trim kept waving his right hand from the fermon to 
 the* extent of his arm, returning it backwards and 
 forwards to the conclufion of the paragraph.] 
 
 " In how^ many kingdoms of the world has the 
 " crufading fword of this mifguided faint-errant, 
 fpared neither age, or merit, or fex, or condition? 
 *^ — and, as he fought under the banners of a re- 
 ligion which fet him loofe from juftice and hu- 
 ^' manity, he Ihewed none; mercilefsly trampled 
 upon both, — heard neither the cries of the unfor- 
 tunate, nor pitied their diftreffes !" 
 [I have been in many a battle, an' pleafe your 
 Honour, quoth Trim, fighing, but never in fo me- 
 lancholy a one as this : — I w^ould not have drawn a 
 trigger in it againft thefe poor fouls, — to have 
 
 been made a general officer. Why ? what do 
 
 you underftand of the affair ? faid Dr. Slop, look- 
 ing towards Trim, with fomething more of con- 
 tempt than the Corporal's honeft heart deferved. 
 
 What do you know, friend, about this battle 
 
 you talk of? 1 know, replied Trim, that I never 
 
 refufed quarter in my hfe to any man w ho cried 
 
 out 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. l6l 
 
 out for it : — but to a woman or a child, continued 
 Trim, before I would level my mulket at them, I 
 
 would lofe my life a thoufand times. Heies a 
 
 crown for thee, Trim, to drink with Obadiah to- 
 night, quoth my uncle Toby ; and I'll give Obadiah 
 
 another too. God blefs your Honour, replied 
 
 Trim, — I had rather thefe poor women and chil- 
 dren had it. Thou art an honeft fellow, quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby. My father nodded his head, 
 
 as much as to fay,^ — And fo he is. 
 
 But prithee. Trim, faid my father, make an end, 
 — for I fee thou haft but a leaf or two left. 
 
 Corporal Trim read on.] 
 
 " If the teftimony of paft centuries in this 
 ^' matter is not fufficient, — confider at this inftant, 
 
 how the votaries of that rdigion are every day 
 ^' thinking to do fervice and honour to God, by 
 " aClions which are a diflionour and fcandal to 
 
 themfelves ! 
 
 To be convinced of this, go with me for a 
 
 moment into the prifons of the Inquifition." — • 
 [God help my poor brother Tom.] — " Behold 
 
 Religion, with Mercy and Juftice chained down 
 ^' under her feet, — there fitting ghaftly upon a 
 ^' black tribunal, propped up with racks and 
 
 inftruments of torment. Hark ! — hark ! what a 
 
 piteous groan !" — [Here Trim's face turned as 
 pale as afhes.] " See the melancholy wretch 
 
 who uttered it" — [Here the tears began to 
 trickle down] juft brought forth to undergo 
 
 the anguiih of a mock trial, and endure the ut- 
 
 moft pains that a ftudied fyftem of cruelty has 
 
 VOL, K M " been 
 
l62 
 
 tllE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 been able to invent.' [D — n them all, quotli 
 
 Trim, his colour returning into his face as red as 
 blood.] — Behold this helplefs viclim delivered up 
 
 to his tormentors, — his body lb wafted with 
 
 forrow and confinement!" — [Oh! 'tis my brother, 
 cried poor Trim, in a moil paffionate exclamation, 
 dropping the fermon upon the ground, and clapping 
 
 his hands together — I fear 'tis poor Tom. My 
 
 father's and my uncle Toby's heart yearned with 
 iympathy for the poor fellow s diftrefs ; even Slop 
 
 himfelf acknowledged pity for him. Why, Trim, 
 
 faid my father, this is not a hiftory, — ^'tis a fermon 
 thou art reading ; prithee begin the fentence again.] 
 ^ — " Behold this helplefs vi6tim delivered up to 
 
 his tormentors, — his body fo wafted with forrow 
 
 and confinement, you will lee every nerve and 
 " mufcle as it fuffers. 
 
 " Obferve the laft movement of that horrid en- 
 " gine !" — [I would rather face a cannon, quoth 
 Trim, ftamping.] — See what convulfions it has 
 
 thrown him into ! — Confider ths nature of the 
 *^ pofture in which he now lies ftretched ! — what 
 " exquifite tortures he endures by it! " — [I hope 
 'tis not in Portugal.] — " 'Tis all nature can bear I 
 " Good God ! fee how it keeps his weary foul 
 " hanging upon his trembling lips !" — [I would 
 not read another line of it, quoth Trim, for all this 
 world ! — I fear, an' pleafe your Honours, all this 
 
 is in Portugal, where my poor brother Tom is. • 
 
 I tell thee, Trim, again, quoth my father, 'tis not 
 an hiftorical account, — 'tis a defcription. — 'Tis only 
 a defcription, honeft man, quoth Slop ; there is not 
 
 a word of truth in it. That's another ftory, re- 
 
 11 plied 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I63 
 
 plied my father. — However, as Trim reads it with 
 lb much concern, — 'tis cruelty to force him to go 
 on with it. — Give me hold of the fermon, Tinm, — 
 I'll finifh it for thee, and thou mayTt go. — — 1 muft 
 ftay and hear it too, replied Trim, if your Honour 
 W'ill allow me ; — tho' I would not read it myfelf for 
 a Colonels pay. — — Poor Trim ! quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby. My father went on.] 
 
 Confider the nature of the pofture in 
 
 which he now lies ftretched ! — ^what exquifite 
 torture he endures by it! — 'Tis all nature can 
 bear ! Good God ! See how it keeps his weary 
 foul hanging upon his trembling lips, — Vvilling to 
 take its leave, — but not fuffered to depart ! — Be- 
 " hold the unhappy wretch led back to his cell 
 
 [Then, thank God, however, quoth Trim, that 
 
 they have not killed him. J See him dragged out of 
 " it again to meet the flames, and the infults in his 
 " laft agonies, which this principle, — this principle^ 
 that there can be religion without mercy, has pre- 
 
 " pared for him !" [Then, thank God, he is dead, 
 
 quoth Trim, — he is out of his pain, — and they 
 have done their word at him. — O Sirs !-^^- — Hold 
 your peace, Trim, faid my father, going on with the 
 fermon, left Trim fliould incenfe Dr. Slop, — we 
 lhall never have^done at this rate.] 
 
 The fureft way to try the merit of any difputed 
 " notion is, to trace down the confequences fach a 
 notion has produced, and compare them with the 
 
 ^' fpiritof Chriftianity; 'tis thefliortand decifive 
 
 rule which our Saviour hath left us for thefe and 
 fuch like cafes, and it is worth a thoufand argu- 
 ^ meats — their fruits ye /liall know them all. 
 
 M 2 I will 
 
164 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I will add no farther to the length of this 
 fermon, than by two or three fliort and inde- 
 pendent rules deducible from it. 
 
 Firft^ Whenever a man talks loudly againft 
 religion, always fufpeCl that it is not his reafon, 
 ^' but his paffions, which have got the better of his 
 Creed. A bad life and a good belief are dif- 
 agreeable and troublefome neighbours: and where 
 they feparate, depend upon it, 'tis for no other 
 caufe but quietnefs fake. 
 
 " Secondly^ When a man, thus reprefented, tells 
 you in any particular inftance, — That fuch a 
 
 ^' thing goes againft his confcience,- — always believe 
 he means exaftly the fame thing as when he tells 
 you fuch a thing goes againft his ftomach; — a 
 prefent w ant of appetite being generally the true 
 
 ^' caufe of both. 
 
 In a word,— truft that man in nothing, who 
 has not a Conscience in every thing. 
 
 And, in your own cafe, remember this plain 
 
 " diftin6lion, a miftake in which has ruined thou- 
 fands, — That your confcienee is not a law: — 
 no, God and reafon made the law, and have 
 placed confcienee within you to determine ; — 
 
 " not, like an Afiatic Cadi, according to the ebbs 
 and flow s of his own paffions, — but like aBritifli 
 
 " judge in this land of liberty and good fenfe, who 
 
 " makes no new law, but faithfully declares that 
 law which he knows already written/' 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Thou 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 165 
 
 Thou haft read the fermon extremely well, Trim, 
 quoth my father. If he had fpared his com- 
 ments, replied Dr. Slop, — he would have read it 
 
 much better. I Ihould have read it ten times 
 
 better, Sir, anfwered Trim, but that my heart was 
 
 fo full. That was the very reafon, Trim, replied 
 
 my father, which has made thee read the fermon as 
 well as thou haft done ; and if the clergy of our 
 church, continued my father, addreffins; himfelf to 
 Dr. Slop, would take part in what they deliver 
 as deeply as this poor fellow has done, — as their 
 compofitions are fine ; — [I deny it, quoth Dr. Slop] 
 — I maintain it, — that the eloquence of our pulpits, 
 wath fuch fubje6ls to inflame it, would be a model 
 for the whole world — But, alas ! continued my 
 father, and I own it. Sir, with forrow, that, like 
 French politicians in this refpeft, what they gain in 
 
 the cabinet tliey lofe in the field. 'Twcre a 
 
 pity, quoth my uncle, that this ftiould be loft. 
 
 I like the lermon well, repHed my father, — 'tis 
 dramatic ; — and there is fomething in that way of 
 writing, when fkilfully managed, which catches the 
 
 attention. We preach much in that way with 
 
 us, faid Dr. Slop. 1 know that very well, faid 
 
 my father, — but in a tone and manner which dif- 
 gufted Dr. Slop, full as much as his affent, fmiply, 
 
 could have pleafedhim. But in this, added Dr. 
 
 Slop, a little piqued,— our fermons have greatly 
 the advantage, that we never introduce any cha- 
 rafter into them below a patriarch or a patriarch s 
 wife, or a martyr, or a faint. — There are fome very 
 l^-ad characters in this, however, feid my father ; 
 
 M 3 ui4 
 
l66 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and I do not think the fermon a jot the worfe 
 
 for 'em.- But pray, quoth my uncle Toby, — 
 
 Avhofe can this be ? — How could it get into my 
 Stevinus ! ■ A man muft be as great a conjurer 
 as Stevinus, faid my father, to relblve the fecond 
 queftion. The firft, I think, is not fo difiicult • — 
 for, unlefs my judgment greatly deceives me, — I 
 know the author, for 'tis wrote, certainly, by the 
 parfon of the parifti. 
 
 The fimilitude of the ftyle and manner of it, with 
 thpfe my father conftantly had heard preached in 
 his pariflb-church, was the ground of his conjeClure, 
 • — proving it as ftrongly as an argument a priori 
 could prove fuch a thing to a philpfophic mind, That 
 it was Yorick's, and no one's elfe. — It was proved 
 to be fo, apojleriori, the day after, when Yorick fent 
 a lervant to my uncle Toby's houle to enquire 
 after it. 
 
 It feems that Yorick, who was inquifitive after 
 all kinds of knowledge, had borrowed Stevinus of 
 my uncle Toby, and had carelefsly popped his fer- 
 mon, as foon as he had made it, into the middle of 
 Stevinus ; and by an a£l of forgetfulnels to which 
 he was ever fubjeft, he had fent Stevinus home, 
 and his fermon to keep him company. 
 
 Ill-fated fermon ! Thou waft loft, after this re- 
 covery of thee, a fecqnd time, dropped thro' an un-^ 
 fufpeaed filTure in thy mafter s pocket down into 
 a treacherous and tattered lining,— trod deep intq 
 the dirt, bv the left hind^foot of his Rofinante inhu^ 
 manly ftepping upon thee as thou falledft burie4 
 ten days in the mire,— raifed up out of it by ^ 
 
 beggar, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 167 
 
 beggar, — fold for a halfpenny to a pariflj -clerk, — ■ 
 transferred to his parfon, — loft for ever to thy own, 
 the remainder of his days, — nor reftored to his 
 reftlefs manes till this very moment that I tell the 
 world the ftory. 
 
 Can the reader believe that this fermon of Yorick's 
 was preached at an affize, in the cathedral of York, 
 before a thoufand w itneffes, ready to give oath of it, 
 by a certain prebendary of that church, and ac- 
 tually printed by him when he had done ? — and 
 within fo fhort a fpace as two years and three 
 months after Yorick s death ? — Yorick indeed, w as 
 
 never better ferved in his life ; but it w^as a 
 
 little hard to maltreat him after, and plunder him 
 after he was laid in his grave. 
 
 However, as the gentleman w ho did it w^as in 
 perfefil charity with Yorick, — arid, in confcious 
 juftice, printed but a few^ copies to give away 
 and that, I am told, he could moreover have made 
 as good a one himfelf, had he thought fit, — I de- 
 clare I w ould not have publifiied this ejiecdote to 
 this world ; — ^nor do I publifti it with an intent to 
 hurt his chara&er and advancement in the church ; 
 —I leave that to others but I find myfelf im- 
 pelled by two reafons, which I cannot wdthftand. 
 
 The firlt is. That in doing juftice^ I may give reft 
 to Yorick s ghoft ; — w hich, — as the country-peoplCj, 
 and fome others, believe,' — Jiill walks. 
 
 The fecond realbn is. That, by laying open this 
 ftory to the world, I gain an opportunity of inform- 
 ing it, — That in cafe the charafiier of Parfon Yorick, 
 and the fample of his fermons, is liked; — there are 
 
l68 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 now in the pofleffion of the Shandy i^mily, as 
 many as will make a handfome volume, at the 
 world s fervice ; — and much good may they do it. 
 
 CHAP, xviii. 
 
 OBADIAH gained the two crowns without 
 difpute ; for he came in jingling, with all the in- 
 ftruments in a green baize-bag we fpoke of, flung 
 acrofs his bodyjuft as Corporal Trim went out of 
 the room. 
 
 It is now proper, I think, quoth Dr. Slop 
 (clearing up his looks) as we are in a condition to 
 be of fome fervice to Mrs. Shandy, to fend up ftairs 
 to know how flie goes on. 
 
 I have ordered, anfwered my father, the old mid- 
 w ife to come down to us upon the leaft difficulty ; 
 — for you muft know. Dr. Slop, continued my 
 father, with a perplexed kind of a fmile upon his 
 countenance, that by exprefs treaty, folemnly ra* 
 tified between me and my wife, you are no more 
 thaii an auxiliary in this affair^ — and not fo much 
 as. that, — unlefs the lean old mother of a midwife 
 above ftairs cannot do without you. — Women have 
 their particular fancies ; and in points of this na« 
 ture, continued my father, where they bear the 
 whole burden, and fuffer fo much acute pain for 
 the advantage of our families an^ the good of the 
 fpecics, — they claim a right of deciding, en Souve- 
 raines, in whofe hands, and in what failiion, they 
 choofe to undergo it. 
 
 . ' They 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 They are in the right of it, — quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby.- But, Sir, repUed Dr. Slop, not taking 
 
 notice of my uncle Toby's opinion, but turning to 
 my father, — they had better govern in other points ; 
 —and a father ot a family, who wiflies its perpe- 
 tuity, in my opinion, had better exchange this pre- 
 rogative with them, and give up fome other rights in 
 
 lieu of it. 1 know not, quoth my father, an- 
 
 fwering a little too teftily, to be quite difpaiiionate 
 in what he faid ; — I know not, quoth he, what 
 we have left to give up in lieu of who fhall bring 
 our children into the world, unlefs that, — of who 
 fhall beget them.' One would almoft give up 
 
 any thing, replied Dr. Slop. 1 beg your pardon, 
 
 — anfwered my uncle Toby. Sir, replied Dr. 
 Slop, it would aftonifli you to know what improve- 
 ments we have made of late years, in all branches 
 of obftetrical knowledge, but particularly in that 
 one fingle point of the fafe and expeditious extrac- 
 tion of the fcetuSj — w^hich has received fuch lights, 
 that, for my part (holding up his hands) I declare, 
 
 I wonder how the world has —I wifli, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby, you had feen what prodigious armies 
 fve had in Flanders. 
 
 CHAP. XIX. 
 
 I HAVE dropped the curtain over this fcene for 
 a minute, — to remind you of one thing, — and to 
 Inform you of another. 
 
 What 
 
J 70 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 What I have to inform you, comes, I own, a 
 little out of its due courfe;--for it ftiould have been 
 told a hundred and fifty pages ago, but that I fore- 
 faw then 'twould come in pat hereafter, and be of 
 more advantage here than el fe where. — Writers had 
 need look before them, to keep up the fpirit and 
 conneflion of what they have in hand. 
 
 When thefe two things are done, — the curtain 
 lhall be drawn up again, and my uncle Toby, my 
 father, and Dr. Slop, lhall go on with their dif- 
 courie, without any more interruption. 
 
 Firft, then, the matter which I have to remind 
 you of, is this : — That from the fpecimens of fmgu- 
 larity in my father's notions in the point of Chrif- 
 tian names, and that other previous point thereto, 
 — you was led, I think, into an opinion, — (and I 
 am fure I faid as much) that my father was a gen- 
 tleman altogether as odd and whimfical in fifty 
 other opinions. In truth, there w^as not a ftage in 
 the life of man, from the very firft aCl of his be- 
 getting, — down to the lean and llippered pantaloon 
 in his fecond childiftmefs, but he had fome favourite 
 notion to himfelf, fpringing out of it, as fceptical, 
 and as.far out of the highway of thinking, as theie 
 two which have been explained. 
 
 — Mr. Shandy, my father. Sir, would fee nothing 
 in the light in which others placed it; — he placed 
 things in his own light ; — he would weigh nothing 
 in common fcales : — no, he was too refined a re- 
 fearcher to lie open to fo grofs an impofition. — To 
 come at the exafl weight of things in the fcientific 
 fteel-yard, the fulcrmn^ he w ould fay? fliould be 
 
 aimoft 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. I7l 
 
 almoft invifible, to avoid all friftion from popular 
 tenets: — without this, the minuti^ oi philofophy, 
 which would aiw^ays turn the balance, will have no 
 weight at all. Knowledge, like matter, he would 
 affirm, w^as divifible in infinitum ; — that the grains 
 and Icruples were as much a part of it, as the gra- 
 vitation of the whole world. — In a word, he would 
 fay, error was error, — no matter where it fell— 
 whether in a frafiiion, — or a pound, — twas alike 
 fatal to Truth ; and flie w^as kept down at the 
 bottom of her well, as inevitably by a miltake in 
 the duftof a butterfly's wing, — as in the difl^ of the 
 fun, the moon, and all the ftars of Heaven put 
 together. 
 
 He would often lament that it w^as for want of 
 conlidering this properly, and of applying it (kilfully 
 to civil matters, as well as to fpecelative truths, that 
 fo many things in this world were out of joint ; — 
 that the political arch was giving way; — and that 
 the very foundations of our excellent conftitution 
 in church and ftate, were fo fapped as eftimators 
 had reported. 
 
 You cry out, he would fay, we are a ruined, un- 
 done people. Why ? he would a{k, making ufe of 
 the ftories or fyllogifm of Zeno and Chr3?fippus, 
 without knowing it belonged to them. — Why? 
 w^hy are we a ruined people ? — Becaufe we are 
 corrupted. — Whence is it, dear Sir, that we are 
 corrupted ? — Becaufe we are needy ; — our poverty, 
 and not our wills, confent : — and wherefore, he 
 would add, are we needy ? — From the negleft, he 
 vwould anfwer, of our pence and our halfpence : — • 
 
 our 
 
172 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 our bank-notes, Sir, our guineas ; — nay, our 
 Ihillings take care of themfelves. 
 
 Tis the lame, he would fay, throughout the 
 whole circle of the fciences ; — the great, the efta- 
 bliftied points of them, are not to be broke in upon. 
 —The laws of nature will defend themfelves ; — 
 but error — (he would add, lookmg earneftly at my 
 mother) — error, Sir, creeps in thro' the minute 
 holes, and fmall crevices which human nature leaves 
 unguarded. 
 
 This turn of thinking in my father, is what I had 
 to remind you of : — the point you are to be in- 
 formed of, and which I have referved for this place, 
 is as follows : — • 
 
 Amongft the many and excellent reafons with 
 which my father had urged my mother to accept of 
 Dr. Slop's affiftance preferably to that of the old 
 woman, — there was one of a very fingular nature ; 
 which, when he had done arguing the matter with 
 her as a Chriftian, and came to argue it over again 
 with her as a philofopher, he had put his whole 
 ftrength to, depending indeed upon it as his flieet- 
 anchor. It failed him, tho' from no defeft in 
 the argument itfelf; but that, do what he could, he 
 w^as not able for his foul to make her comprehend 
 
 the drift of it. Curfed luck \ faid he to himfelf, 
 
 one afternoon, as he walked out of the room, after 
 he had been ftating it for an hour and an half to 
 her, to no manner of purpofe ; — curfed luck ! faid 
 be, biting his lip as he Ihut the door, — for a man 
 to be mafter of one of the fineft chains of rea- 
 foning in nature, — and have a wife at the fame time 
 
 with 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1 73 
 
 wiith fuch a head-piece, that he cannot hang up a 
 fingle inference within-iide of it, to fave his foul 
 from deftru6lion ! 
 
 This argument, though it was entirely loft upon 
 my mother, — had more weight with him than all 
 his other arguments joined together: — I will 
 therefore endeavour to do it juftice, — and fet it 
 forth with all the perfpicuity I am mafter of 
 
 My father fet out upon the ftrength of thefe two 
 following axioms :— 
 
 Firft, That an ounce of a man's own wit was 
 worth a ton of other people's ; and. 
 
 Secondly, (which by the bye, was the ground- 
 work of the firft axiom, — tho' it comes laft) That 
 every man s wit muft come from every man s own 
 foul, — and no other body s. 
 
 Now, as it was plain to my father, that all fouls 
 were by nature equal, — and that the great difference 
 between the moft acute and the moft obtufe under- 
 ftanding, — was from no original lharpnefs or 
 bluntnefs of one thinking fubftance above or below 
 another, — but arofe merely from the lucky or un- 
 lucky organization of the body, in that part where 
 the foul principally took up her refidence, — he 
 had made it the fubjeQ; of his enquiry to find out 
 the identical place. 
 
 Now, from the beft accounts he had been able 
 to get of this matter, he was fatisfied it could not be 
 where Des Cartes had fixed it, upon the top of the 
 pneal gland of the brain; which, as he philofophized, 
 formed a cufliion for her about the fize of a marrow- 
 pea ^ tho', to fpeak the truth^ as fo many nerves 
 
 did 
 
174 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 did terminate all in that one place, — 'twas no bad 
 conjeClure; — and my father had certainly fallen 
 with that great philofopher plumb into the centre 
 of the miftake, had it not been for my uncle Toby, 
 who refcued him out of it, by a ilory he told 
 him of a Walloon officer at the battle of Landen, 
 who had one part of his brain fliot away by a 
 mulket-ball, — and another part of it taken out 
 after by a French furgeon ; and after all recovered, 
 and did his duty very well without it. 
 
 If death, faid my father, reafoning with himfelf, 
 is nothing but the feparation of the foul from the 
 body ; — and if it is true that people can walk about 
 and do their bufinefs without brains, — then>certes 
 the foul does not inhabit there, Q. E. ]3* 
 
 As for that certain, very thin, fubtle, and very 
 fragrant juice which Coglioniffimo Borri, the great 
 Milanele phyfician aflirms, in a letter to Bartho- 
 line, to have difcovered in the celluU of the occi- 
 pital parts of the cerebellum^ and which he like wife 
 affirms to be the principal feat of the reafonable 
 foul (for you muft know^, in thefe latter and more 
 enlightened ages, there are two fouls in every man 
 living, — the one, according to the great Metheglin- 
 gius, being called the Animus ; the other, the Am- 
 ma;) — as for the opinion, I fay, of Borri, — my father 
 could never fubfcribe to it by any means ; the 
 very idea of lb noble, fo refined, lb immaterial, and 
 fo exalted a being as the Anima, or even the Animus^ 
 taking up her refidence and fitting dabbling, like a 
 tadpole, all day long, both lummer and winter, in a 
 peddle, — or in a liquid of any kind, how thick or 
 
 tliin 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1 
 
 thin foever, he would fay, lliocked his imagination ; 
 he would Icarce give the doCtrine a hearing. 
 
 What therefore feemed the leaft liable to objec- 
 tions of any, was, that the chief fenjorium, or head- 
 quarters of the foul, and to which place all intelli- 
 gences were referred, and from whence all her 
 mandates were ifTued, — was in, or near, the cere- 
 helium, — or rather fomewhere about the medulla 
 cblongata^ wherein it was generally agreed by Dutch 
 anatomifts, that all the minute nerves from all the 
 organs of the feven fenfes concentered, like ftreets 
 and winding alleys, into a fquare. 
 
 So far there was nothing Angular in my father s 
 opinion, — he had the beft of philofophers, of ali 
 
 ages and climates, to go along with him. But 
 
 here he took a road of his own, fetting up another 
 Shandean hypothefis upon thefe corner-ftones they 
 hadlaid for him ; — and which faid hypothefis equally 
 ftood its ground ; whether the fubtilty and finene(s 
 of the foul depended upon the temperature and 
 clearnefs of the faid liquor, or of the finer net- work 
 and texture in the cerebellum itfelf; which opinion 
 he favoured. 
 
 He maintained, that next to the due care to be 
 taken in the aO: of propagation of each individual, 
 which required all the thought in the world, as it 
 laid the foundation of this incomprehenfible con- 
 texture, in which wit, memory, fancy, eloquence, and 
 what is ufually meant by the name of good natural 
 parts, do conlift ; — that next to this and his Chrif- 
 tian-name, which were the two original and moft 
 efficacious caufes of all ; — that the third caufe, or 
 
 rather 
 
176 THE LIFE AND OPTNIOl^S 
 
 rather what logicians call the Caufa fine qua non^ 
 and without which all that w^as done was of no 
 manner of fignificance, — was the prefervation of this 
 delicate and fine-fpun web, from the havoc which 
 was generally made in it by the violent compref* 
 fion and crulli which the head was made to under- 
 go, by the nonfenfical method of bringing us into 
 the world by that foremolt. 
 
 This requires explanation. 
 
 My father, who dipped into all kinds of books, 
 upon looking into Lithop^dus Semnefts de TortK 
 dificili^j publifhed by Adrianus Smelvgot, had 
 found out; that the lax and pliable ftate of a child's 
 head in parturition, the bones of the cranium having 
 no futures at that time, was fuch,^ — that by force of 
 the woman's efforts, which, in ftrong labour-pains, 
 was equal, upon an average, to the weight of 470 
 pounds avoirdupois aSling perpendicular upon it ; 
 ,f — it fo happened, that in forty- nine inftances out of 
 fifty, the faid head was ccmpreffed and moulded 
 into the ftiape of an oblong conical piece of dough, 
 fuch as a paftry-cook generally rolls up, in order to 
 make a pie of.^ — Good God! cried my father, 
 what havoc and deftruftion muft this make in the 
 
 * The author is here twice miftaken ; for LitJiopcedus 
 fhould be wrote thus, Lithopmdii Senonenjis Icon. The fecond 
 miftake is, that this Lii/iopcedus is not an author, but a draw- 
 ing of a petrified child. The account of this, publiflied by 
 Athofius 1580, may be feen at the end of Cordaeus^s works 
 in Spachius. Mr. Tr ill; rain Shandy has been led into this 
 error, either from feeing Lithopcedus's name of late in a 
 
 catalogue of learned writers in Dr. — , or by miftaking 
 
 Lithopoedus for Trinecavcllius^—kom the too great fmiilitude 
 of the names. 
 
 infinitely 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. T77 
 
 infinitely fine and tender texture of the cerebellum I 
 — Or if there is fuch a juice as Borri pretends, — • 
 is it not enough to make the cleareft liquid in the 
 world both feculent and mothery? 
 
 But how great was his apprehenfion, when he 
 farther underltood, that this force afting upon the 
 very vertex of the head, not only injured the brain 
 tfelf, or cerebrum^ — but that it neceffarily fqueezed 
 and propelled the cerebrum towards the cerebellumy 
 which was the immediate feat of the underftanding ! 
 
 ' Angels and minifters of grace defend us ! 
 
 cried my father, — can any foul withftand this fliock? 
 - — No wonder the intellefilual w^eb is fo rent and 
 tattered as we fee it ; and that fo many of our beft 
 heads are no better than a puzzled flcein of filk^ — - 
 all perplexity, — all confufion within-fide. 
 
 But when my father read on, and was let into 
 the fecret, that when a child was turned topfy-turvy, 
 which w^as eafy for an operator to do, and was ex- 
 tracted by the feet ; — that inftead of the cerebrum 
 being propelled towards the cerebellum^ — the cere- 
 helium^ on the contrary, was propelled fimply to- 
 Tvards the cerebrum^ w^here it could do no manner 
 
 of hurt : By Heavens ! cried he, the world is 
 
 in confpiracy to drive out what htrie wat God has 
 given us, — and the profeflbrs of the obitetric art are 
 lifted into the fame confpiracy. — What is it to me 
 which end of my fon comes foremoft into the world, 
 provided all goes right after^ and his cerebellum 
 efcapes uncruftied ? 
 
 It is the nature of an hypothefis, when once a 
 man has conceived it, that it affimilates every thing 
 
 VOL. I. to 
 
178 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 t ) itfelf, as proper nourilhment ; and, from the firft 
 moment of your begetting it, it generally grows the 
 ftronger by every thing you fee, hear, read, or un- 
 derftand. This is of great ufe. 
 
 When my father was gone with this about a 
 month, there was fcarce a phenomenon of ftupidity 
 or of genius, which he could not readily folve by 
 It: — it accounted for the eldeft fon being the 
 
 greateft blockhead in the family.* Poor devil, he 
 
 would fay,— he made way for the capacity of hh 
 
 younger brothers. It unriddled the obfervations 
 
 of drivellers and monftrous heads, — fliewing ^ 
 priori, it could not be otherwife, — -unlefs I don't 
 know what. It wonderfully explained and ac- 
 counted for the acumen of the Afiatic genius, and 
 that fprightlier turn, and a more penetrating intui- 
 tion of minds, in warmer climates ; not from the 
 loofe and common-place folution of a clearer iky, 
 and a more perpetual funftiine, &c.^ — which for 
 aught he knew, might as well rarefy and dilute the 
 faculties of the foul into nothing, by one extreme, — • .1 
 as they are condenfed in colder climates by the 
 other ;— but he traced the affair up to its fpring* 
 head ; — fhewed that, in warmer climates, nature 
 had laid a lighter tax upon the faireft parts of the 
 creation ; — their pleafures more ; — the neceffity of 
 their pains lefs, infomuch that the preflure and re- 
 fiftance upon the vertex was fo llight, that the 
 whole organization of the cerebellum was pre- 
 ferved ; — nay, he did not believe, in natural births, 
 that fo much as a fmgle thread of the net-work was 
 1 2 broke 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY- Ijg 
 
 broke or difplaced^ — lb that the foul might juft aCt 
 as ihe liked. 
 
 When my father had got fo far,- what ablaze 
 
 of light did the accounts of the Caefarian {e&ion^ 
 and of the towering geniufes who had come fafe 
 into the world by it, caft upon this hypothefis ! 
 Here you fee, he would fay, there was no injury 
 done to the Jenjorium ; — no prelTure of the head 
 againft the ^pelvis ; — no propulfion of the cerebrum 
 towards the cerebellum^ either by the os pubis on 
 
 this fide, or the os coxygis on that; and pray^ 
 
 what were the happy confequences ? Why, Sir^, 
 your Julius Caefar, who gave the operation a name ; 
 — and your Hermes Trifmegiftus, wfio was born fo 
 
 before ever the operation had a name ; your 
 
 Scipio Africanus ; your Manlius Torquatus ; our 
 Edward the Sixth, — who, had he lived, would have 
 
 done the fame honour to the hypothefis : Thefe, 
 
 and many more who figured high in the annals of 
 fame, — all came ftdeway^ Sii^, into the world. 
 
 The incifion of the abdomen and uterus ran for 
 fix weeks together in my father s head ; he had 
 read, and was fatisfied, that wounds in the epigajtrium^ 
 and thofe in the matrix, were not mortal ; — fo that 
 the belly of the mother might be opened ex- 
 tremely well to give a pafiage to the child. — He 
 mentioned the thing one afternoon to my mother, 
 ' — merely as a matter of faft ; but feeing her turn 
 as pale as ashes at the very mention of it, as much 
 as the operation flattered his hopes, — he thought 
 it as well to fay no more of it, — contenting him- 
 
 N 2 felf 
 
l80 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 felf with admiring, — what he thought was to no 
 purpofe to propofe. 
 
 This was my father, Mr. Shandy's hypothefis ; 
 concerning which I have only to add, that my bro- 
 ther Bobby did as great honour to it (whatever he 
 did to the family) as any one of the great heroes 
 we fpoke of : for happening not only to be chrif- 
 tened, as I told you, but to be born too, when 
 my father was at Epfom, — being moreover my 
 mother's firft child, — coming into the w orld with 
 his head foremojl^ — and turning out afterwards a 
 lad of wonderful flow parts, — my father fpelt all 
 thefe together into his opinion ; and as he had 
 failed at one end, — he w^as determined to try the 
 other. 
 
 This was not to be expefted from one of the 
 fifterhood, who are not eafily to be put out of their 
 way ;— and was therefore one of my father's great 
 
 reafons in favour of a man of fcience, whom 
 
 he could better deal with. 
 
 Of all men in the world. Dr. Slop was the 
 fitteft for my father's purpofe ; — for tho' his new-in- 
 veiaied forceps was the armour he had proved, and 
 what he maintained to be the fafeft inftrument of 
 deliverance, yet, it feems, he had Icattered a word 
 or two in his book, in favour of the very thing which 
 ran in my father's fancy ; — tho' not with a view to 
 the foul's good in extra6ting by the feet, as w as my 
 father's fyftem, — but for reafons merely obftetrical. 
 * This will account for the coalition betwixt my 
 father and Dr. Slop, in the enfuing difcourfe, which 
 
 went 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. l8l 
 
 went a little hard againft my uncle Toby. In 
 
 what manner a plain man, with nothing but com- 
 mon ienle, could bear up againft two fuch allies in 
 fcience, is hard to conceive. — You may conjefilure 
 upon it, if you pleale ; — -and whilft your imagina- 
 tion is in motion, you may encourage it to go on, 
 and difcover by what caufes and effects in nature 
 it coald come to pafs, that my uncle Toby got his 
 modefty by the wound he received upon his groin, 
 — You may raife a fyftem to account for the lofs 
 of my nofe by marriage-articles, — and Ihew the 
 world how it could happen, that I ftiould have the 
 misfortune to be called Triftram, in oppofition to 
 my father s hypothefis, and the wiih of the whole 
 family, godfathers and godmothers not excepted. 
 — Thefe, with fifty other points left yet unravelled, 
 you may endeavour to Iblve, if you have time ; — 
 but I tell you beforehand it will be in vain, for not 
 the fage Alquife, the magician in Don Eelianis of 
 G reece, nor the no lefs famous Urganda the for- 
 cerefs, his wife (were they alive) could pretend to 
 come within a league of the truth. 
 
 The reader will be content to wait for a full ex- 
 planation of thefe matters till the next year, — when 
 a feries of things will be laid open which he little 
 ^xpe0:s. 
 
 'N 3 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 Muhiludinis imperitae non Ibrmido jiidicia, meis tamen, rogo, parcaiit 
 opusculis— in quibus fuit propositi semper, a jocis ad seria, in seriis 
 vicissim ad jocos transire. joan. sare.sberiensis, 
 
 Episcopus Lugdun. 
 
 VOL. in. OIIIG, EDIT. 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 I WISH, Dr. Slop," quoth my uncle 
 Toby (repeating his wifti for Dr. Slop a 
 fecond time, and with a degree of more zeal and 
 earneftnefs in his manner of wiihing than he had 
 wiftied atfirft^)— — " I wifti, Dr. Slop^" quoth my 
 uncle Toby, you had feen what prodigious armies 
 ^' we had in Flanders." 
 
 My uncle Toby's wifli did Dr. Slop a diiTervice, 
 which his heart never intended any man : — Sir, it 
 confounded him, — and thereby putting his ideas 
 firft into confufion, and then to flight, he could not 
 rally them again for the foul of him. 
 
 In all difputes— male or female, — whether for 
 honour, for profit, or for love, — it makes no differ- 
 ence in the cafe; — nothing is niore dangerous, 
 Madam, than a wifh coming fideways in this uRr 
 exptfted manner upon a man. Tlie fafeft way in 
 general to take off the force of the wiih, is for the 
 
 Vide page l6g. 
 
 N 4 ^ party 
 
l84 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 party wifli'd at, inftantly to get upon his legs, — and 
 wifh the wijiier fomething in return, of pretty near 
 the fame value ; — fo balancing the account upon 
 the fpot, you ftand as you were : — nay, fometimes 
 gain the advantage of the attack by it. 
 
 This will be fully illuftrated to the world in my 
 chapter of wifhes. — 
 
 Dr. Slop did not underftand the nature of this 
 defence ; — he was puzzled with it, and it put an. 
 entire ftop to the difpute for four minutes and a 
 half ; — five had been fatal to it : — my father faw 
 the danger ; — the difpute was one of the moft inte- 
 refting difputes in the world, 'V Whether the child 
 
 of his prayers and endeavours fliould be born 
 
 without a head or with one." — He waited to the 
 laft moment, to allow Dr. Slop, in whofe behalf the 
 wifli was made, his right of returning it ; but per- 
 ceiving, I fay, that he was confounded, and con- 
 tinued looking with that perplexed vacuity of eye 
 which puzzled fouls generally ftare with, — firft in 
 my uncle Toby s face, — -then in his, — then up, — 
 then down, — then eaft, — eaft and by eaft, and fo 
 on, — coafting it along by the plinth of the wainfcot 
 till he had got to the oppofite point of the com- 
 pafs,— and that he had afilually begun to count 
 the brafs nails upon the arm of his chair, — my 
 father thought there was no time to be loft 
 with my uncle Toby ; fo took up the difcourfe as 
 follows : — 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 185 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 — WHAT prodigious armies you had in Flan- 
 ders!" 
 
 Brother Toby, replied my father, taking his wig 
 froui o ff his head with his right hand, and with his 
 le/l puUing oat a ftriped India handkerchief from 
 his right coat- pocket, in order to rub his head, 
 as he argued the point with my uncle Toby. 
 
 Now, in this I think my father was 
 
 much to blame ; and I will give you my reafons 
 for it. 
 
 Matters of no more feeming confequence in 
 themfelves than, Whether my father Ihould have 
 " taken off his wig with his right hand or with 
 " his left,-'— have divided the greateft kingdoms, 
 and made the crowns of the monarchs who go- 
 verned them, to totter upon their heads. But 
 
 need I tell you, Sir, that the circumftances with 
 wdiich every thing in this world is begirt, give 
 every thing in this world its fize and fhape !— and 
 by tightening it, or relaxing it, this way or that, 
 make the thing to be, what it is, — great, — little, — > 
 good, — bad, — indifferent or not indifferent, juft as 
 the cafe happens? 
 
 As my father s India handkerchief was in his 
 right coat-pocket, he fliould by no means have fuf- 
 fered his right hand to have got engaged : on the 
 contrary, inftead of taking off his wig with it, as he 
 did, he ought to have committed that entirely to 
 the left; and then, when the natural exigency my 
 
 father 
 
l86 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 father was under of rubbing his head, called out 
 for his handkerchief, he would have had nothing in 
 the world to have done, but to have put his right 
 hand into his right coat-pocket and taken it out; — 
 which he might have done without any violence, or 
 the leaft ungraceful twift in any one tendon or 
 mufcle of his whole body. 
 
 In this cafe (unlefs, indeed, my father had 
 been refolved to make a fool of himfelf by holding 
 the wig ftiff in his left hand, — or by making fome 
 nonfenfical angle or other at his elbow-joint, or 
 arm-pit) — his whole attitude had been eafy, — na- 
 tural, — unforced. Reynolds himfelf, as great and 
 graceful as he paints, might have painted him as 
 he fat. 
 
 Now, as my father managed this matter,— 
 confider what a devil of a figure my father made of 
 himfelf. 
 
 In the latter end of Queen Anne's reign, and in 
 the beginning of the reign of King George the Firfi, 
 — Coat-pockets were cut very low down in the 
 " fkirt." — I need fay no more; — the father of 
 mifchief, had he been hammering at it a month, 
 could not have contrived a worfe faihion for one in 
 my father s fituatlon. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 IT was not an eafy matter in any king s reign 
 (unlefs you were as lean a fubje6t as myfelf ) to 
 have forced your hand diagonally, quite acrofs your 
 
 whole 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 1 87 
 
 whole body, fo as to gain the bottom of your oppo- 
 
 fite coat-pocket. In the year one thou land feven 
 
 hundred and eighteen, w hen this happened, it was 
 extremely difficult; fo that when my uncle Toby 
 dilbovered the tranfverfe zig-zaggery of my father s 
 approaches towards it, it iuftantly brought into his 
 mind thofe he had done duty in, before the gate 
 of St. Nicholas ; — the idea of which drew off his 
 attention fo entirely from the fubjeO: in debate, that 
 he had got his right hand to the bell to ring up 
 Trim to go and fetch his map of Namur, and his 
 compaffes and fector along with it, to meafure tlie 
 returning angles of the traverfes of that attack, — 
 but particularly of that one where he received his 
 wound upon his groin. 
 
 My father knit his brows, and as he knit them* 
 all the blood in his body feemed to rufli up into 
 his face — my uncle Toby difmounted immedi- 
 ately. 
 
 — I did not apprehend your uncle Toby was on 
 horfeback. 
 
 C H A p. IV. 
 
 A man's body and his mind, m ith the utmoft 
 reverence to both I fpeak it, are exactly like a jerkin, 
 and a jerkin's lining;— rumple the one, — ^you rum- 
 ple the other. There is one certain exception how- 
 ever in this cafe^ and that is, when you are fo for- 
 tunate a fellow as to have had your jerkin made of 
 gum-taffeta, and the body- lining to it of a farce- 
 net, or thin Perfian. 
 
 ZenO| 
 
l88 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Zeno, Clean thes, Diogenes Babyloniiis, Diony- 
 fius, Heracleotes, Antipater, Panaetics, and Poffi- 
 donius amongft the Greeks; — Cato, and Varro, 
 and Seneca amongft the Romans ; — Pantenus, and 
 Clemens Alexandrinus, and Montaigne amongft 
 the Chriftians ; and a fcore and a half of good^ 
 honeft, unthinking Shandean people as ever hved^ 
 whofe names I can't recolleO:;, — all pretended that 
 their jerkins were made after this falhion ; — you 
 might have iTimpled and crumpled, and doubled 
 and creafedj and fretted and fridged the outfide of 
 them all to pieces ; — in fhort, you might have 
 play'd the very devil with them, and at the fame 
 time, not one of the infides of them would have 
 been one button the worfe, for all you had done to 
 them. 
 
 I believe in my confcience that mine is made up 
 fomewhat after this fort : — for never poor jerkin 
 has been tickled off at fuch a rate as it has been 
 thefe laft nine months together, — and yet I de- 
 clare, the lining to it, — as far as I am a judge of 
 the matter, is not a three-penny piece the worfe ; 
 — pell-mell, helter-fkelter, ding-dong, cutandthruft, 
 back ftroke and fore ftroke, fide way and long way^ 
 have thev been tHmmino; it for me : — had there 
 been the leaft gumminefs in my lining, by Heaven I 
 it had all of it^ long ago, been frayed and fretted 
 to a thread. 
 
 — You Meffrs. the Monthly Reviewers ! 
 
 how could you cut and flafli my jerkin as you 
 
 did ? — how did ypu know but you would cut my 
 lining too ? 
 
 Heartily 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. iSq 
 
 Heartily and from my foul, to protection of 
 that Being who will injure none of us, do I recom- 
 snend you and your affairs, — fo God blefs you ; — 
 onl y next month, if any one of you fliould gnafti his 
 teeth, and ftorm and rage at me, as fome of you 
 did laft May (in which I remember the weather was 
 very hot) — don't be exafperated if I pals it bj 
 again with good temper, — being determined as 
 long as I live or write (which in my cafe means 
 the fame thing) never to give the honeft gentleman 
 a worfe w ord or a worfe wifh than my uncle Toby 
 gave the fly which buzz d about his nofe all dinner- 
 time : " Go, — go, poor devil," quoth he ; — 
 
 get thee gone: — why fhould I hurt thee! This 
 " world is furely wide enough to hold both thee 
 
 and me." 
 
 c H A p. V. 
 
 ANY man. Madam, reafoning upw^ards, and 
 obferving the prodigious fuffufion of blood in my 
 father's countenance, — by means of which (as all 
 the blood in his body feemed to rufti into his face, 
 as I told you) he muft have reddened, pifilorically 
 and fcientifically fpeaking, fix whole tints and a 
 half, if not a full oclave above his natural colour. 
 Any man. Madam, but my uncle Toby, who had 
 obferved this, — together with the violent knitting 
 of my father s brows, and the extravagant contor- 
 tion of his body during the whole affair, — would 
 have concluded my father in a i-g ; and taking 
 
 that 
 
igO THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that for granted, — ^had he been a lover of fuch kind 
 of concord as arifes from two fuch inftruments 
 being put in exafil tune, — he would inftantly have 
 Ikrew'd up his to the fame pitch; — and then the 
 devil and all had broke loofe — the whole piece, 
 Madam, muft have been played off like the fixth 
 of Avifon Scarlatti — con furia^ — like mad. — Grant 
 me patience ! — What has con furia^ — con ftrefitOy 
 — or any other hurly-burly whatever to do with 
 harmony ? 
 
 Any man, I fay, Madam, but my uncle Toby, 
 the benignity of whofe heart interpreted every 
 motion of the body in the kindeft fenfe the mo- 
 tion would admit of, would have concluded my 
 father angry, and blamed him too. My uncle 
 Toby blamed nothing but the taylor who cut 
 tlie pocket-hole; — fo fitting ftill till my fether 
 had got his handkerchief out of it, and looking 
 all the time up in his face with inexpreffible 
 good- will, — my father at length w^ent on as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 " WHAT prodigious armies you had in Flan- 
 " ders!" 
 
 Brother Toby, quoth my father, I do be- 
 lieve thee to be as honeft a man, and with as good 
 and as upright a heart as ever God created ;^ — nor 
 is it thy fault, if all the children which have been, 
 may, can, ftiall, will, or ought to be begotten, 
 come with their heads foremoft into the world \- — 
 
 but 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. IQl 
 
 but believe me, dear Toby, the accidents which 
 unavoidably way-lay them, not only in the article 
 of our begetting em, — though thefe, in my opinion, 
 are well worth conlidering, but the dangers and 
 difficulties our children are befet with, after they 
 are got forth into the world, are enow ; — httle 
 need is there to expofe them to unneceffary ones 
 
 in their paffage to it. Are thefe dangers, quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon my father s 
 knee, and looking up ferioudy in his face for an 
 anfvver, — are thefe dangers greater now-a-days, 
 
 brother, than in times paft? Brother Toby, 
 
 anfwered my father, if a child v/as but fairly begot, 
 and born alive, and healthy, and the mother did 
 well after it, — our forefathers never looked farther. 
 — My uncle Toby inftantly v^dthdrev/ his hand from 
 off my father s knee, reclined his body gently back 
 in his chair, raifed his head till he could juft lee 
 the cornice of the room, and then dire6i:ing the 
 buccinatory mufcles along his cheeks, and the 
 obicular mufcles around his lips to do their duty, — - 
 he whiftled Lillabullero. 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 WHILST my uncle Toby w^as whiftling Lil^ 
 lahullero to my father, — Dr. Slop was ftamping, 
 and curfiiiii; and damnins; at Obadiah at a m.oft 
 
 dreadful rate.- It would have done your heart 
 
 good, and cored you. Sir, for ever of the vile fm 
 of fwearing, to have heard him. I am deter- 
 min 3d. therefore, to relate the whole affair to you. 
 
 When 
 
ig2 THE LIFE AND OPINIOlSrS 
 
 AVhen Dr. Slop's maid delivered the green 
 baize bag with her mafter's inftraments in it, to 
 Obadiah, ihe very fenfibly exhorted him to put his 
 head and one arm through the firings, and ride 
 with it flung acrofs his body. So undoing the bow- 
 knot, to lengthen the firings tbr him, w ithout any 
 more ado, ftie helped him on with it However, 
 as this, in fome meafiare, unguarded the mouth of 
 the bag ; lefi; any thing (hould bolt out in galloping 
 back, at the fpeed Obadiah threatened, they 
 confulted to take it off again : and in the great 
 care and caution of their hearts, they had taken 
 the two firings and tied them clofe (purfing up 
 the mouth of the bag firft) with half a dozen hard 
 knots, each of which Obadiah, to make all fafe^ 
 had twitched and drawn together with all the 
 ftrength of his body. 
 
 This anfwered all that Obadiah and the maid 
 intended ; but was no remedy againft fome evils 
 which neither he or fhe foreiaw. The inftruments, 
 it feems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had fo 
 much room to play in it, towards the bottom (the 
 fliape of the bag being conical) that Obadiah could 
 not make a trot of it, but w ithfuch a terrible jingle, 
 what witli the tire tete^ forceps^ and Jquirt, as would 
 have been enough, had Hymen been taking a jaunt 
 that w^ay, to have frightened him out of the coun- 
 try; but when Obadiah accelerated his motion, 
 and from a plain trot aflayed to prick his coach-- 
 horfe into a full gallop, — by Heaven! Sir, the 
 jingle was incredible. 
 
 As Obadiah had a wife and three children,™ 
 3 the 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 153 
 
 the turpitude of fornication, and the many other 
 pohtical ill confequences of this jinghng, never 
 once entered his brain ; — he had however his ob- 
 jection, which came home to himlelf, and weigh- 
 ed with him, as it has oftentimes done with the 
 greateft patriots. — —" The poor fellow, Sir, was 
 " not able to hear himlelf whiftle." 
 
 CHAP. viir. 
 
 AS Obadiah loved wind-mufic perferably to all 
 the inftrumental mufic he carried with him, — he 
 very conliderately fet his imagination to work, to 
 contrive and to invent by what means he Ihould 
 put himfelf in a condition of enjoying it. 
 
 In all diftreffes (except mufical) where fmall 
 cords are wanted, nothing is fo apt to enter a man's 
 
 head as his hat-band : the philofophy of this 
 
 is fo near the furface, — I fcorn to enter into it. 
 
 As Obadiah s was a mixed cafe ; mark, 
 
 Sirs, — I fey, a mixed cafe ; for it was obftetrical, 
 '^/crip'tical, fquirtical, papiftical— and as far as 
 the coach-horfe was concerned in it, — Cabaliftical, 
 and only partly mufical Obadiah made no fcruple 
 of availing himfelf of the firft expedient which 
 offered ; fo taking hold of the bag and inftruments, 
 and griping them hard together with one hand, and 
 with the finger and thumb of the other, pu ting the 
 end of the hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then 
 flipping his hand down to the middle of it, — he 
 tied and crofs-lied them all faft together from one 
 end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with 
 
 VOL. L O fuch 
 
194 THE LIFE AXD OPINIONS 
 
 fuch a multiplicity of round-abouts and intricate 
 crofs turns, with a hard knot at every interle6tion 
 or point where the ftrings met, — that Dr. Slop 
 muft have had three-fifths of Job's patience at leaft 
 to have unloofed them. — I think, in my confcience, 
 that had Nature been in one of her nimble moods, 
 and in humour for fuch a conteft, — and flie and 
 Dr. Slop both fairly ftarted together, — there is no 
 man living who had feen the bag with all thatOba- 
 diah had done to it,— and kmnvn likewife the 
 great fpeed the Goddefs can make when flie thinks 
 proper, who w^ould have had the leaft doubt re- 
 mainincr in his mind which of the two w ould have 
 carried off the prize. My mother. Madam, had 
 been delivered fooner than the green bag infallibly 
 ■ — at leaft by twenty knots.— — Sport of liiiall ac- 
 cidents, Triftram Shandy ! that thou art, and ever 
 will be ! had that trial been made for thee, and it 
 was fifty to one but it had,^ — thy affairs had not 
 been fo deprefs'd (at leaft by the depreffion of thy 
 nofe) as they have been ; nor had the fortunes of 
 thy houfe and the occafions of making them, which 
 have fo often prefented themfelves in the courfe of 
 thy life, to thee, been fo often, fo vexatioufly, fo 
 tamely, fo irrecoverably abandoned — as thou haft 
 been forced to leave them; — but 'tis over, — all but 
 the account of em, which cannot be given to the 
 curious till I am got into the world. 
 
OF TRISTnAM SHANDY. 1 95 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 GREAT wits jump: — for the moment Dr. Slop 
 caft his e^^es upon his bag (which he had not done 
 till the dilpute vuth my uncleToby about midwifery 
 put him in mind of it) the very fame thought oc- 
 curred. — Tis God s mercy, quoth he (to himfelf ) 
 that Mrs. Shandy has had lb bad a time of it, elfe 
 flie might have been brought to bed, feven times 
 told, before one half of thefe knots could have been 
 got untied.— But here you muft diftinguilh : — the 
 thought floated only in Dr. Slop's mind, without 
 fail or ballaft to it, as afimple propofition; millions 
 of which, as your Worfhip knows, are every day 
 fwimming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of 
 a man's underitanding, without being carried back- 
 wards or forwards, till fome little gnfts of paffion or 
 intereft drive them to one fide. 
 
 A fudden trampling in the room above, near my 
 mother s bed, did the propofition the very fervice I 
 am fpeaking of. By all that's unfortunate, quoth 
 Dr. Slop, unlefs I make hafte, the thing will ac- 
 tually befall me as it is, 
 
 CHAP X. 
 
 IN the cafe of knots ; by which, in the firft 
 place, I would not be underftood to mean flip- 
 knots,— becaufe in the courfe of my life and opi- 
 nions, — my opinions concerning them will come 
 - ^ O 2 in 
 
196 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 in more properly when I mention the cataftrophe 
 of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy, — a little 
 man,— but of high fancy: — he ruflied into the Duke 
 of Monmouth's affair : — nor, fecondly, in this place, 
 do I mean that particular fpecies of knots called 
 Bow-knots ; — there is fo little addrefs, or (kill, or 
 patience required in the unlooling them, that they 
 are below my giving any opinion at all about them. 
 • — But by the knots I am fpeaking of, may it pleafe 
 your Reverences to believe, that I mean good, 
 honeft, devilifh tight, hard knots, made bond fide 
 as Obadiah made his ; — in which there is no quib- 
 bling provifion made by the duplication and return 
 of the two ends of the firings thro' the annulus or 
 noofe made by the fecond implication of them, — • 
 to get them flipp'd and undone by.— I hope you 
 apprehend me. 
 
 In the cafe of thefe knots then, and of the feveral 
 obftruftions, which, may it pleafe your Reverences, 
 fuch knots caft in our way in getting through life, 
 — every hafty man can whip out his penknife and 
 cut through them. — 'Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, 
 the moft virtuous way, and which both reafon and 
 confcience dictate, — is to take our teeth or our 
 fingers to them. — Dr. Slop had loft his teeth — his 
 favourite inftrument, by extrafting in a wrong di- 
 reflion, or by fome mifapplication of it, unfortu- 
 nately flipping, he had formerly, in a hard labour, 
 knock'd out three of the befi of them with the 
 
 handle of it : he tried his fingers ; — alas, the 
 
 nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut clofe.— — • 
 The deuce take it ! 1 can make nothing of it either 
 
 way^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDT. 1 gy 
 
 way, cried Dr. Slop.-— - The trampling over head 
 riear m mothers bedlide increafed. — Pox take 
 the fellow! I lhall never get the knots untied as long 
 
 as I live.- — My mother gave a groan. Lend me 
 
 your penknife — I muft e en cut the knots at lafi. — • 
 Pugh ! — piha ! — Lord ! I have cut my thumb quite 
 acrofs to the very bone. — Curfe the fellow — if there 
 w^as not another man-widwife within fifty miles— 
 I am undone for this bout — I wifti the fcoundrel 
 hang'd — I wiili he was fhot — I wifh all the devils 
 in hell had him for a blockhead ! 
 
 My father had a great refpeO: for Obadiah, and 
 could not bear to hear him difpofed of in fuch a 
 manner : — he had moreover fome little refped for 
 himielf, — and could as ill bear with the indignity 
 offered to himfelf in it 
 
 Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him but his 
 thumb, — my father had pafs a it by — his prudence 
 had triumphed : — as it was, he was determined to 
 have his revenge. 
 
 Small curfes, Dr. Slop, upon great occafions^ 
 quoth my father (condoling with him firft upon the 
 accident) are but fo much wafte of our ftrength and 
 
 foul's health to no manner of purpofe. -I own 
 
 it, replied Dr. Slop. They are like fparrow- 
 
 ihot, quoth my uncle Toby (fufpendinghiswhiftling) 
 
 fired againft a baftion. They ferve, continued 
 
 my father, to ftir the humours — but carry off none 
 of their acrimony ; — for my own part, I feldom 
 fwear or curfe at all — I hold it bad ; — but if I fall 
 into it by fiirprize, I generally retain fo much pre- 
 fence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to 
 
 O 3 make 
 
igS THE LIFE AND OPIKIONS 
 
 make it anfwer my purpofe ; — that is, I fwear on 
 till I find myfelf eafy. A wife and a juft man how- 
 ever would always endeavour to proportion the 
 vent given to thefe humours, not only to the de- 
 gree of them ftirring within himfelf, — but to the 
 fizc and ill intent of the offence upon which they 
 are to fall. — " Injuries come only from the heart/' 
 — quoth my uncle Toby. For this reafon, con- 
 tinued my father, with the moft Cei vantic gravity, 
 I have the oreateft veneration in the world for that 
 gentleman, who, in diftruft of his own difcretion in 
 this point, fat down and compofed (that is at his 
 leifure) fit forms of fwearing fuitable to all cafes, 
 from the loweft to the higheft provocation which 
 could poffibly happen to him ; — which forms being 
 well confidered by him, and fuch moreover as he 
 could ftand to, he kept them ever by him on the 
 
 chimney-piece, within his reach, ready for ufe. 
 
 I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that fuch 
 a thing was ever thought of, — -much lefs executed. 
 — I beg your pardon, anfwered my father ; I was 
 reading, though not ufing, one of them to my bro- 
 ther Toby this morning, whiift he pourM out the 
 
 tea : — lis here upon the Ihelf over my head 
 
 but if I remember right, 'tis too violent for a cut of 
 
 the thumb. Not at all, quoth Dr, Slop — the 
 
 devil take the fellow. -Then, anfwered my father, 
 
 'Tis much at your fervice, Dr. Slop, — on condi- 
 tion you read it aloud. — So rifing up and reaching 
 down a form of excommunication of the church of 
 Rome, a copy of which my father (who was curious 
 in his colleclions) had procured out of the ledger- 
 5 book 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. igg 
 
 book of the church of Rochefter, writ by Ernul- 
 phiis the bifliop, — with a moft affefted ferioufnefs 
 of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernul- 
 phus himfelf, — he put it into Dr. Slop s hands. 
 
 Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of 
 
 • his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though with- 
 out any fufpicion, read aloud, as follows, — my uncle 
 Toby whiftling LiUabullero as loud as he could all 
 the time. 
 
 O 4 
 
30O 
 
 "rtiE IIFE AKD OPINIONS 
 
 TEXTUS DE ECCLESIA ROFFENSI, PER 
 ERNULFUM EPISCOPUM^ 
 
 CAP. XI. 
 J:XC0MMUNICATI0. 
 
 EX au6toritate Dei Omnipotentis, Patris, et 
 Filij, et Spiritus SanCli, et fanaorum canonum, 
 fan6t:eeque et intemeratas Virginis Dei genetricis 
 Mariae, — ^ 
 
 As the genuinenefs of the confiiltation of the Sorhonne 
 upon the queftion of Baptifm, was doubted by fome and 
 denied by others, — 'twas thought proper to print the original 
 
 of 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 201 
 
 CHAP. XI. * 
 
 BY the authority of God Almighty, the Father, 
 Son, and Holy Ghoft, and of the holy canons, 
 and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and 
 patronefs of our Saviour/' — [I think there is no 
 neceffity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the paper down 
 to his knee, and addreffing himfelf to my father, — as 
 you have read it over. Sir, fo lately, to read it aloud ; 
 — and as Captain Shandy feems to have no great 
 inchnation to hear it,- — I may as well read it to my- 
 
 felf. That's contrary to treaty, replied my 
 
 father. — Befides, there is fomething fo whimficaJ, 
 efpecially in the latter part of it, I fhould grieve to 
 
 lofe the pleafure of a fecond reading. Dr. Slop 
 
 did not altogether like it ; — but my uncle 1 oby 
 offering at that inftant to give over whiftling, and 
 read it himfelf to them, — ^Dr. Slop thought he might 
 as w^ell, under the cover of my uncle Toby's whiftling 
 — as fuffer my uncle Toby to read it alone ; — fo 
 raifing up the paper to his face, and holding it quite 
 parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin, — he read 
 it aloud, as follows : — my uncle Toby whifthng 
 LillahuUerOy though not quite fo loud as before. 
 
 " By 
 
 of this excommunication : for the copy of which Mr. Shandy 
 returns thanks to the chapter-clerk of the dean and chapter 
 of Rochefter. 
 
202 THE tTFE AND OrnSTTON:^ 
 
 Atque omnium coeleftium virtatum, aoge- 
 
 loriim, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, 
 poteltatuum, cherubin ac feraphin, et fanftorumy 
 patriarcharum^prophetarum, et omnium apofiolorum 
 et evangeliltarum, et fan&orum innocentum, qui in 
 confpeftu Agni Sanfti digni inventi funt canticum 
 cantare novum^ et fanfilorum martyrum et lanclorum 
 confeflbrum, et fanftarum virginum, atque omnium 
 fimul lanfilorum et eleftorum Dei^ — Excommuni-* 
 
 vel OS s vel os 
 
 camus^ et anathematizamus hunc furem^ vel hunc 
 s 
 
 malefaftorcm, N. N. et a liminibus far clog 
 Dei ecclelia^ fequeftramus^ et aeternis luppliciis 
 
 vel i n 
 excruciandus, mancipetur^ cum Dathan et Abi- 
 ram, et cum his qui dixemnt Domino Deo, Recede 
 a nobis, fcientiam viarum tuarum nolumus : et 
 ficut aqua ignis extinguitur, fic extinguatur^ lu- 
 vel eorum n 
 cernaejus infeculafeculorum nifi refpuerit; et ad 
 n 
 
 fatisfafilionem venerit. Amen. 
 
 03 
 
 jMaledicat ilium Deus Pater qui hominem crea- 
 os 
 
 \it. Maledicat ilium Dei Fiiius qui pro homine 
 
 OS 
 
 paffus eft. Maledicat ilium Spiritus Sanftus qui in 
 
 OS 
 
 baptifmo efFufuseft. Maledicat ilium fanfta crux^ 
 quam Cliriftus pro noftra, falute hoftem triumphans 
 afcendit, 
 
 Maledicat 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 203 
 
 . ^' By the authority of God Ahiiighty, tlic 
 Father, Son, and Holy Ghoft, and of the un- 
 
 " defiled Virgin Mary, mother and patronefe of 
 
 " our Saviour, and of all the celefiial virtues, 
 angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, 
 cherubins and feraphins, and of all the holy 
 
 ^' patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apoftles and 
 evangehfts, and of the holy innocents, who in 
 the light of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to 
 %^ fing the new fong of the holy martyrs and holj?- 
 confeffors, and of the holy virgins, and- of all 
 the laints together, with the holy and eleci: of 
 
 " God,— May he" (Obadiah) " be damned" (for 
 
 tying thefe knots) — We excommooicate and 
 anathematize him ; and from the threfliolds of 
 the holy church of God Almighty w^e fequefter 
 
 ^' him, that he may be tormented, difpofed, and 
 delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and 
 
 ^' with thofe who fay unto the Lord God, " depart 
 from us, we defire none of thy w^ays," And as 
 fire is quenched with water, fo let tlie light of him 
 
 ^' be put out for evermore, unleis it lliall repent 
 him" (Obadiah, of the knots w hich he has tied) 
 and make fatisfaCfion!" (for them) ''Amen/' 
 
 May the Father who created man, curfe 
 him! — May the Son who fuffered for us, curfe 
 
 ^' him May the Holy Ghoft, w^ho was giveii 
 
 " tons in baptifln, curfe him!" (Obadivah) 
 
 May the holy crofs which Chrift, for our lal- 
 vation, triumphing over his enemies^ afcended, 
 curfe him l 
 
 " May 
 
204 THE LIFE AlVD OPIlSriO^f.^ 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium fanCta Dei genetrix et perpetaa 
 
 OS 
 
 Virgo Maria. Maledieat ilium fanClus Michael^, 
 
 OS 
 
 animarum fulceptor lacrarum. Maledieant ilium 
 omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et pote* 
 ftates, omiiefque militia coeleltes. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium patriarcharum et prophetarunt 
 
 OS 
 
 laudabiiis numerus. Maledieant ilium faD6tus 
 Johannes Prascurfor et Baptifta Chrifti, et fan6lus 
 Petrus, et fan6tus Paulus, atque fan6tus Andreas^ 
 omnelque Clirifti, apoftoli, fimul et creteri difcipuli, 
 quatuor quoque evangeliftee, qui fua prasdicatione 
 
 OS 
 
 mundum univerl^im converterunL Maledicat ilium 
 cuneus^ martyrum et confeflbrum mirificus, qui 
 Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus eft. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledieant ilium facrarum virginum chori, qum 
 mundi vana caufa honoris Chrifti refpuenda. 
 
 OS 
 
 contempferunt. Maledieant ilium omnes fan6li 
 qui ab initio mundi ufque in finem leculi Dea 
 dilefti inveniuntur. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledieant ilium coeli et terra, et omnia fan6la 
 in CIS manentia. 
 
 i n n 
 Malccliftus fit ubicunque, fuerit, five in domo,. 
 
 five 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANBY. 205 
 
 May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mo- 
 
 ther of God, curie him ! May St. Michael, 
 
 " the advocate of holy fouls, curfe him! 
 
 " May all the angels, and archangels, principalities 
 ^' and powers, and all the heavenly armies, curfe 
 " him!" [Our armies fwore terribly in Flanders, 
 
 cried my uncle Toby, — but nothing to this. For 
 
 my own part, I could not have a heart to curfe my 
 dog fo.] 
 
 " May the praifeworthy multitude of patriarchs 
 
 " and prophets curfe him ! 
 
 " May St. John, the Praecurfor, and St. John 
 the Baptift, and St. Peter, and St. Paul, and 
 St. Andrew, and all other Chrift's apoftles, 
 together curfe him! And may the reft of his 
 difciples and four evangelifts, who by their 
 preaching converted the univerfal world, and 
 
 ^' may the holy and wonderful company of mar- 
 tyrs and confeffbrs, who by their holy works are 
 
 " found plealing to God Almighty, curfe him 1" 
 
 (Obadiaii.) 
 
 IMay the holy choir of the holy virgins, who 
 for the honour of Chrift have delpifed the things 
 " of the world, damn him! — May all the faints 
 ^' who, from the beginning of the world to ever- 
 ^* lafting ages, are found to be beloved of God, 
 damn him ! — May the heavens and earth, and 
 all the holy things remaining therein, damn him/' 
 (Obadiah) or her!" (or whoever elfehad a hand 
 in tying thefe knots.) 
 
 May he (Obadiah) be damn d wherever he 
 
 ■ " be,— 
 
206 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 five in agro, five in via, five in femita, five in fiiva^ 
 five in aqiui, five in ecclefia. 
 i n 
 
 T\laledi6liis fit vivendo^ moriendo,— 
 
 manducando, bibendo, efuriendo, fitiendo, jejunan- 
 do^ dormitando, dormiendo, vigilando, ambulando^ 
 ftando^ fedendo, jacendo, operando, quiefcendo, 
 jningendo, cacando, flebotomando. 
 i n 
 
 Malediftus fit in totis viribus corporis, 
 i n 
 
 Malediftas fit intus et exteriiis. 
 
 i n i n 
 
 ]Maledi6ius fit in capillis; malediftus fit in cere- 
 i n 
 
 bro. Malediftus fit in vertice, in temporibus, in 
 fronte, in auriculis, in fuperciliis, in oculis, in 
 genis, in maxillis, innaribus, in dentibus, mordaci- 
 l)us, in labris five moiibus, in labiis, in guttere, in 
 hun}eTis, in carpis, in brachiis, in manubus, in 
 digitis,. in pe^tore, in corde, et in omnibus interiori- 
 bus ftomachotenus, in renibus, in inguine, in femore^ 
 in genitalibus, in coxis, in genubus^ in cruribus^ in 
 f>cdibus, et in unguibus. 
 
 Male^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 207 
 
 he, — whether in the houfe or the ftables, the 
 garden or the field, or the highvv ay, or in the 
 path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in 
 
 the church! May he be curled in Uving, 
 
 " in dying [Here my uncle Toby, takuig the 
 advantag:e of a minim in the fecond bar of his 
 tune, kept whiftling one continued note to the 
 end of the fentence, — Dr. Slop, with his divifion of 
 carfes moving under him, like a running bafs all 
 the way.] " May he be curfed in eating and 
 " drinking; in being hungry, in being thirfty, in 
 ^' fafting, in fleeping, in llumbering, in walking, in 
 ftanding, in fitting, in lying, in working, in refting, 
 " in piffmg, in fhitting, and in blood-letting ! 
 ^' May he (Obadiah) be curfed in all the facul- 
 ties of his body ! 
 
 ^' May he be curfed inwardly and outwardly ! 
 
 ^May he be curfed in the hair of his head ! 
 
 ^' — — May he be curfed in his brains, and in his 
 ^' vertex," (that is a fad curfe, quoth my father) 
 in his temples, in his forehead, in his ears, in 
 his eye-brows, in his cheeks, in his jaw-bones, 
 in his noftrils, in his fore- teeth and grinders, in 
 his lips, in his throat, in his fhoulders, in his 
 wrifts, in his arms, in his fingers! 
 
 May he be damn d in his mouth, in his breaft, 
 ^' in his heart and purtenance, down to the very 
 ftomach! 
 
 May he be curfed in his reins, and in his groiif 
 (God in Heaven forbid ! quoth my uncle Toby) 
 
 in his thighs, in his genitals" (my father lliook his 
 head) " and in his hips, and in his knees^ his legs, 
 
 and feet, and toe-naih ! 
 
 ' ' May 
 
208 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 i n 
 
 MalediQus fit in totis compagibus membrorum, 
 a vertice capitis, ufque ad plantam pedis — Non 
 fit in eo fanitas. 
 
 OS 
 
 Maledicat ilium Chriftus Filius Dei vivi toto fuse ^ 
 niajeftatis imperio — 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAIs^DY. 209 
 
 May he be curfed in all the joints and articu- 
 " iations of the members, from the top of his head 
 
 to the fole of his foot ! May there be no found- 
 
 nefs in him ! 
 
 May the Son of the living God, with all the 
 
 glory of his majefty, [Here my uncle Toby, 
 
 throwing back his head, gave a monftrous, long, 
 
 loud Whew — w — w ; fomething betwixt the 
 
 interje6iional whiltle of Hey-day ! and the word 
 itfelf. 
 
 By the golden beard of Jupiter, — and of 
 
 Juno (if her majefty wore one) and by the beards 
 of the reft of your heathen Worfhips, which, by 
 the bye, was no fmall number, fmce what with the 
 beards of your celeftial gods, and gods aerial and 
 aquatic,— to fay nothing of the beards of town- 
 gods and country-gods, or of the celeftial goddeffes 
 your wives, or of the infernal goddefles your whores 
 
 and concubines (that is in cafe they wore them) > 
 
 all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word 
 and honour, when muftered up together, made no 
 lefs than thirty thoufand efFeftive beards upon the 
 Pagan eftabliftiment ; — every beard of which 
 claimed the rights and privileges of being ftroken 
 and fworn by : — by all thefe beards together then, 
 —I vow and proteft, that of the two bad caflbcks 
 I am worth in the world, I would have given the 
 better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet of- 
 fered his, — only to have ftood by, and heard my 
 uncle Tobj^'s accompanyment.] 
 
 VOL. I. p ,„»^^ curie 
 
210 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 et infurrat adverfus ilium coelum cum om- 
 
 nibus virtutibus quas in eo moventur ad damnandum 
 eum, nifi poenituerit et ad fatisfaClionem venerit. 
 Amen. Fiat, fiat. Amen. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 211 
 
 — ^^curfe him — continued Dr. Slop, — and 
 
 may Heaven, with all the powers which move 
 therein, rile up ao;ainft him, curfe and damn him" 
 (Obadiah) unlels he repent and make fatisfaStion 1 
 ^' Amen. So be it, — fo be it. Amen/^ 
 
 I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would 
 not let me curfe the Devil himfelf with fo much 
 
 bitternefs. He is the father of curfes, replied 
 
 Dr. Slop. So am not I, replied my uncle. 
 
 But he is curfed and damn'd alread}^, to all eter- 
 nity, replied Dr. Slop. 
 
 I am forry for it, quoth my uncle Toby. 
 
 Dr. Slop drew up his mouth, and was juft be- 
 ginning to return my uncle Toby the compliment 
 of his Whu — u — u — , or interjeCtional whiftle, 
 \vhen the door haftily opening in the next chapter 
 but one, — put an end to the affair. 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 NOW don't let us give ourfelves a parcel of airs, 
 and pretend that the oaths we make free with in 
 this land of liberty of ours are our own ; and be- 
 caufe we have the fpirit to fvvear them, — imagine 
 that we have had the wit to invent them too. 
 
 I'll undertake this moment to prove it to any 
 
 man in the world, except to a connoifleur : — 
 
 though I declare I object only to a connoifTeur in 
 Avearing, — as I would do to a connoiffeur in paint- 
 ing, &c. &c, the whole fet of em are fo hung round 
 and befet[fHd with the bobs and trinkets of criticifm, 
 
21!^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 — ^or, to drop my metaphor, which by the bye is a 
 pity, — for I have fetch'd it as far as from the coaft 
 of Guinea, --^their heads, Sir, are ftuck fo full of 
 rules and compaffes, and have that eternal propen- 
 fity to apply them upon all occafions, that a work 
 of genius had better go to the Devil at once, than I 
 ftand to be prick'd and tortur'd to death by em. 
 
 — And how did Garrick fpeak the foliloquy laft 
 night? — Oh, againft all rule, my Lord — moft un- 
 grammatically ! betwixt the fubftantive and the ad- 
 jeftive, which fliould agree together in numher^ cafe, 
 and gender, he made a breach thus, — flopping, as 
 if the point wanted fettling ; — and betwixt the no- 
 minative cafe, which your Lordftiip knows fhould 
 govern the verb, he fufpended his voice in the epi- 
 logue a dozen times three feconds and three fifths 
 by a ftop-watch, my Lord, each time. Admi- 
 rable grammarian ! But in fufpending his ^ oice, 
 
 — was the fenfe fulpended likewife ? — Did no ex- 
 prefTion of attitude or countenance fill up the 
 chafm ? — Was the eye filent ?^ — Did you narrowly 
 
 look? 1 look'd only at the ftop-watch, my 
 
 Lord. Excellent obferver ! 
 
 And what of this new book the whole world 
 
 makes fuch a rout about ?- Oh ! 'tis out of all 
 
 plumb, my Lord,- — quite an irregular thing ! — not 
 one of the angles at the four corners was a right 
 
 angle.' 1 had my rule and compaffes, &c. my 
 
 Lord, in my pocket,- -Excellent critic ! 
 
 • -And for the epic poem your Lordihip bid 
 
 me look at, — upon taking the length, breadth^ 
 height, and depth of it, and trying them at home 
 
 1 upon 
 
OF TIUSTRAM SHANDY. 21 3 
 
 upon an exa6l fcale of Boflu's, — 'tis out, my Lord, 
 
 in every one of its dinienfions. Admirable con- 
 
 noiffeur ! 
 
 And did you ftep in, to take a look at the 
 
 grand pi9:ure in your way back ? 'Tis a melan- 
 choly daub, my Lord! not one principle of the 
 pyramid in any one group ! — and what a price ! — 
 for there is nothing of the colouring of Titian, — the 
 expreffion of Rubens, — the grace of Raphael, — ■ 
 the purity of Dominichino, — the €vrregiefcity of 
 Corregio,; — the learning of Pouffin, — the airs of 
 Guido, — the tafte of the Carrachis, — or the grand 
 
 contour of Angelo. Grant me patience, juft 
 
 Heaven ! — Of all the cants which are canted in 
 this canting w^orld, — though the cant of hypocrites 
 may be the worft, — the cant of criticifm is the moft 
 tormentinoi: ! 
 
 I would go fifty miles on foot, for I have not 
 a hOi fe worth riding on, to kifs the hand of that 
 man whofe generous heart will give up the reins 
 of his imagination into his author s hands, — be 
 pleafed he knows not why, and cares not wiiere- 
 fore. 
 
 Great Apollo! if thou art in a giving humour, 
 — give me, — I alk no more, but one ftroke of 
 native humour, with a fingle fpark of thy own fire 
 along with it, and fend Mercury, with the rules and 
 compaJfeSy if he can be fpared, with my compliments 
 to, — no matter. 
 
 Now to any one elfe I will undertake to prove 
 that all the oaths and imprecations wdiich w^e have 
 fceen puffing off* upon the w^orld for thefe two 
 
 p 3 hundred 
 
214 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIO^JS 
 
 hundred and fifty years laft paft as originals, — 
 except <y/. PauVs thumbs — God's flejh and God's fjh, 
 which were oaths monarchical, and, confidering 
 who made them, not much amifs : and as kinp^s 
 oaths, 'tis not much matter whether they were fifti 
 or fleiTi ; — elle, I lay, there is not an oath, or at 
 leaft a curfe amongft them, which has not been 
 copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a 
 thoufand times: but, like all other copies, how 
 infinitely fhortof the force and fpirit of the original ! 
 — it is thought to be no bad oath, — and by itfelf 
 
 paffes very well, — '^G — d damn you," Set it 
 
 befide Ernulphus's , — God Almighty the Father 
 damn you, — God the Son damn you, — God the 
 Holy Ghoft damn you,'' — you fee 'tis nothing. 
 
 There is an orientality in his we cannot rife up 
 
 to: befides, he is more copious in his invention, — 
 polTefs'd more of the excellencies of a fwearer, — 
 had fuch a thorough knowledge of the human 
 fram.e, its membranes, nerves, ligamxcnts, knittings 
 of the joints, and articulations, — that when Ernul- 
 phus curfed, — no part efcaped him. 'Tis true, 
 
 there is fomething of a hardnejs in his manner, — 
 and, as in Michael Angelo, a want of grace ; — but 
 then there is fuch a greatnefs oigujio ! 
 
 My father, who generally look'd upon every 
 thing in a light very different from all mankind, 
 would, after all, never allow this to be an original. 
 — He Gonfidered rather Ernulphus's anatliema as 
 an inftitute of fwearing, in which, as he fufpe6ted, 
 upon the decline of fwearing infome milder pontifi. 
 cate, Ernulphus, by order of the fucceeding pope, 
 
 had 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 215 
 
 had with great learning and dihgence coUeCted 
 together all the laws of it ; — for the fame reafon 
 that Jiiftinian, in the decline of the empire, had 
 ordered his chancellor Tribonian to colleft the 
 Roman or civil laws all together into one code or 
 digeft — left, through the ruft of time, — and the 
 fatality of all things committed to oral tradition, — 
 they Ihould be loft to the world for ever. 
 
 For this reafon, my father would oftentimes 
 affirm, there was not an oath from the great and 
 tremendous oath of William the conquerer ('^ By 
 
 the fplendor of God") down to the loweft oath 
 of a fcavenger (^^ Damn your eyes") w^hich w^as 
 
 not to be found in Ernulphus. In fhort, he 
 
 would add, — I defy a man to fwear out of it. 
 
 The hypothefis is, like moft of my father's, fin^ 
 gular and ingenious too ; — nor have I any obje£tion 
 to it, but that it overturns my own. 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 ' BLESS my foul! — my poor miftrefe is 
 
 ready to faint — and her pains are gone — and the 
 drops are done — and the bottle of julap is broke 
 ' — and the nurfe has cut her arm — (and I my 
 thumb, ciied Dr. Slop) ; and the child is where 
 it was, continued Sufannah, — and the midwife 
 has fallen backwards upon the edge of the fender, 
 
 and bruifed her hip as black as your hat. 
 
 1 11 look at it, quoth Dr. Slop,--- There is no 
 
 p 4 need 
 
2l6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 need of that, replied Sufannah, — 'you had better 
 look at my miftrefs — but the midwife would gladly 
 firft give you an account how things are ; fo defires 
 you would go up ftairs and fpeak to her this 
 moment. 
 
 Human nature is the fame in all profeffions. 
 
 The midwife had juft before been put over Dr, 
 Slop s head ; — he had not digefted it. — No, replied 
 T>i\ Slop, 'twould be full as proper, if the midwife 
 
 came down to me. 1 like fubordination, quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby,-^and but for it, after the reduction 
 of Lifle, I know not what might have become of 
 the garrifon of Ghent, in the mutiny for bread, in 
 the year Ten. Nor, replied Dr. Slop, (paro- 
 dying my uncle Toby s hobby-horfical reflection ; 
 though full as hobby-horfical himfelf ) — do I know, 
 Captain Shandy, what might have become of the 
 garrifon above ftairs, in the mutiny and confiifion 
 I find all things are in at prefent, but for the 
 fubordination of fingers and thumbs to : — . 
 
 the application of which. Sir, under this accident 
 of mine, comes in fo a propos, that without it, 
 the cut upon my thumb might have been felt by the 
 Shandy family as long as the Shandy family had a 
 name. 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 
 LET us go back to the — in the iaft 
 
 chapter. 
 
 It is a fmgular ftroke of eloquence (at leaft it 
 
 was 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 21 7 
 
 was fo when eloquence flouriihed at Athens and 
 Rome ; and would be fo now, did orators w^ear 
 mantles) not to mention the name of a thing, when 
 you had the thing about you in pstto, ready to 
 produce, pop, in the place you want it. A fear, 
 an axe, a fword, a pink'd doublet, a rufty helmet, 
 a pound and a half of pot-afties in an urn, or a 
 three-halfpenny pickle-pot ; — but above all, a ten- 
 der infant royally accoutred.— Tho' if it was too 
 young, and the oration as long as Tully s fecond 
 Phillipic, — it muft certainly have befhit the orator s 
 mantle. — And then again, if too old, — it muft 
 have been unwieldy and incommodious to his 
 action, — fo as to make him lole by his child almoft 
 as much as he could gain by it. — Otherwife, when 
 a ftate-orator has hit the precife age to a minute, — 
 hid his BAMBINO in his mantle fo cunningly that 
 no mortal could fmell it, — and produced it fo 
 critically, that no foul could fay it came in by head 
 and fhoulders, — Oh, Sirs, it has done wonders ! — - 
 it has open d the Unices, and turn d the brains, and 
 Ihook the principles, and unhinged the politics of 
 half a nation ! 
 
 Thefe feats however are not to be done, ex- 
 cept in thofe ftates and times, I fay, where orators 
 wore mantles, — and pretty large ones too, my 
 brethren, with fome twenty or five-and-twenty 
 yards of good purple, fuperfine, marketable cloth 
 in them, — with large flowing folds and doubles, 
 and in a great ftyle of defign. — All which plainly 
 lliews, may it pleafe your Worlhips, that the decay 
 of eloquence, and the Uttie good fervice it does 
 
 at 
 
THE LIFE AND OPI^"ION$ 
 
 at prefent, both within and \\dthout doors, is owing 
 to nothing elfe in the world but Ihort coats and 
 
 the difiife of trunk-hole. We can conceal 
 
 nothing under ours, Madam, worCti Ihewing. 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 DR. SLOP was within an ace of being an ex- 
 ception to all this argumentation : for happening 
 to have his green baize-bag upon his knees Avhen 
 he began to parody my uncle Toby, — 'twas as 
 good as the beft mantle in the world to him : for 
 which purpofe, when he forefaw the fentence would 
 end in his new-invented forceps, he thruft his hand 
 into the bag. in order to have them ready to clap 
 in, when yo Reverences took fo much notice of 
 the ^"^^^^^^ which, had he managed, — my uncle 
 Toby had certainly been overthrown : the fentence 
 and the argument in that cafe jumping clofely in 
 one point, fo like the two Hues which form the 
 lalient angle of a ravelin, — Dr. Slop would never 
 have given them up ; — and my uncle Toby would 
 as foon have thought of flying, as taking them by 
 force: but Dr. Slop fumbled fo vilely in pulling 
 them out, it took oft' the whole effeft, and, what 
 was a ten times ^vorie evil (for they feldom come 
 alone in this life) in pulling out his forceps, his 
 forceps unfortunately drew out the fquirt along 
 with it. 
 
 When a propofition can be taken in two fenfes, 
 
 —'tis 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 21 g 
 
 —'tis a law in difputation, that the refpondent 
 may reply to which of the two he pleafes, or finds 
 moft convenient for him. — This threw the advan- 
 tage of the argument quite on my uncle Toby's fide. 
 
 " Good God!" cried my uncle Toby, ^' are 
 
 children brought into the world with a Jquirt?'' 
 
 CHAP. xvr. 
 
 ' — UPON my honour, Sir, you have tore every 
 bit of fliin quite off the back of both my hands with 
 your forceps, cried my uncle Toby ; — and you have 
 crufli'd all my knuckles into the bargain with them 
 to a jelly. — — 'Tis your own fault, faid Dr. Slop ; 
 — you fhould have clinch'd your two fifts together 
 into the form of a child's head, as I told you, and 
 
 fat firm." 1 did fo, anfwered my uncle Toby.- 
 
 Then the points of my forceps have not been fuffi- 
 ciently arm'd, or the rivet wants clofing, — or elfe 
 the cut on my thumb has made me a little aukward, 
 ■ — or pofiibly Tis well, quoth my father, in- 
 terrupting the detail of poffibilities — that the expe- 
 riment was not firft made upon my child's head- 
 piece. It would not have been a cherryfi:one the 
 
 worfe, anfwered Dr. Slop. 1 maintain it, faid 
 
 my uncle Toby, it would have broke the cerebel- 
 lum (unlefs indeed the Ikull had been as hard as a 
 
 granado) and turn'd it all into a perfeft polfet. 
 
 Plhaw ! replied Dr. Slop, a child's head is na- 
 turally as foft as the pap of an apple ; — the futures 
 
 give 
 
220 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 give way; — and befides, I could have extra6led 
 
 hy the feet after. Not you, faid ihe, 1 
 
 rather wifli you would begin that way, quoth my 
 father. 
 
 Pray do, added my uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 AND pray, good woman, after all, will 
 
 you take upon you to fay, it may not be the 
 child's hip, as well as the child's head ? — ('Tis 
 moft certainly the head, replied the midwife.) 
 Becaufe, continued Dr. Slop (turning to my fa- 
 ther) as pofitive as thefe old ladies generally ai'e, 
 — 'tis a point very difficult to know^, — and yet 
 
 of the greateft confequence to be known ; be- 
 
 caufe, Sir, if the hip is miftaken for the head, — 
 there is a poffibility (if it is a boy) that the for- 
 
 What the poffibility was. Dr. Slop whif- 
 
 pered very low to niy father, and then to my uncle 
 
 Toby. There is no fuch danger, continued he, 
 
 with the head. No, in truth, quoth my father; — 
 
 but when your poffibility has taken place at the hip, 
 — -you may as well take off the head too, 
 
 It is mor^illy impoflible that the reader 
 
 Hiould nnderftand this — 'tis enough Dr. Slop un- 
 derftood it ; — fo taking the green baize-bag in his 
 hand, with the help of Obadiah's pumps, he tripp'd 
 pretty nimbly, for a man of his fize, acrofs the room 
 
 to 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 221 
 
 to the door ; — and from the door was fliCM' n the 
 \vay, by the good old midvvife, to my mother s apart- 
 ments. 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 IT is two hours and ten minutes^ — and no more, 
 — cried my father, looking at his watch, fmce Dr. 
 Slop and Obadiah arrived ; — and I know not how 
 it happens, brother Toby, — but, to my imagination, 
 it feems almolt an age. 
 
 Here — pray, Sir, take hold of my cap: — 
 
 nay, take the bell along with it, and my pantoufles 
 too. 
 
 Now, Sir, they are all at your fervice ; and I 
 freely make you a prefent of em, on condition you 
 give me all your attention to this chapter. 
 
 Though my father faid, he knew not how it 
 ^' happen d^'' — yet he knew very wtII how^ it liap- 
 pen'd ; — and at the inftant he fpoke it, w^as prede- 
 termined in tiis mind to give my uncle Toby a clear 
 account of the matter, by a metaphyfical dilierta- 
 tion upon the fubjeft of duration and its fmple 
 modes^ in order to lliew my uncle Toby by what 
 mechanifm and menfurations in the brain it came 
 to pafs, that the rapid fucceifion of their ideas, and 
 the eternal Icampering of the difcourfe from one 
 thing to another, fmce Dr. Slop had come into t!ie 
 room^ had lengthened out fo fhort a period to fo 
 
 inconceivable an extent. ^ I knovv^ not how it 
 
 happens/' 
 
222 THE LIFE ANTD OPINIONS 
 
 happens/ — cried my father ; — but it feems an 
 age." 
 
 'Tis owing entirely, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 to the fucceffion of our ideas. 
 
 My father, who had an itch, in common with all 
 philofophers, of reafoning upon every thing which 
 happened, and accounting for it too^, — propofed in- 
 finite pleafure to himf^f in this, of the fucceffion of 
 ideas ; and had not tlie leaft apprehenfion of having 
 it fnatch'd out of his hands by my uncle Toby, who 
 (honeft man!) generally took every thing as it 
 happened; — and who of all things in the world 
 troubled his brain the leaft with abftrufe thinking ; 
 — the ideas of time and fpace, — or how we came 
 by thofe ideas,— or of what ftufF they were made, 
 — or whether they were born with us, or we 
 picked them up afterwards as we went along, — ^or 
 whether we did it in frocks, — or not till we had got 
 into breeches ; — with a thoufand other inquiries 
 and difputes about iNFiNixr, prescience, li- 
 berty, NECESSITY, and fo forth, upon whofe de- 
 fperate, and unconquerable theories fo many fine 
 heads have been turned and cracked,— never did 
 my uncle Toby s the leaft injury at all ; my father 
 knew it, — and was no lefs furprized than he was 
 dilappointed with my uncle s fortuitous folution. 
 
 Do you underftand the theory of that affair ? re- 
 plied my father. 
 
 Not I, quoth my uncle. 
 
 — But you have fome ideas, faid my father, of 
 what you talk about ? 
 
 No 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANJDr. 223 
 
 No more than my horle^ replied my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 Gracious Heaven ! cried my father, looking up- 
 wards, and claiping his two hands together, — there 
 is a worth in thy honeft ignorance, brother Toby ; — 
 'twere almoft a pity to exchange it for a know ledge. 
 
 —But ril tell thee. 
 
 To underftand what Time is aright, without which 
 we never can comprehend Infinity, infomuch as 
 one is a portion of the other, — we ought ferioufly 
 to fit down and confider w hat idea it is we have of 
 duration^ fo as to give a fatisfa6tory account how we 
 
 came by it. What is that to any body? quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby. * For if you w ill turn your eyes 
 inwards upon your mind, continued my father, 
 " and obferve attentively, you will perceive, brother, 
 that whilft you and I are talking together, and 
 thinking, and fmoking our pipes, or whilft we 
 receive liicceffively ideas in our minds, w'e know 
 " that we do exift ; and fo we eftimate the exilt- 
 ence, or the continuation of the exiftence of our- 
 felves, or any thing elfe, commenfurate to the 
 fucceffion of any ideas in our minds, the duration 
 " of ourfelves, or any fach other thing co-exifting 
 with our thinking; — and fo, according to that 
 
 pre-conceived" You puzzle me to deatii, 
 
 cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 Tls owing to this, replied my father, that in 
 
 our computations of time we are fo ufed to minutes, 
 hours, weeks, and months — and of clocks (I wifli 
 there was not a clock in the kingdom) to meafure 
 * Vide Locke, 
 
 out 
 
224 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 out their feveral portions to us, and to thofe who 
 belong to us, — that 'twill be well if, in time to come, 
 the Juccejfion of our ideas be of any ufe or fervice to 
 us at all. 
 
 Now, whether we obferve it or no, continued my 
 father, in every found man's head there is a regular 
 fuccceffion of ideas, of one fort or other, which fol- 
 low each other in train juft like a train of ar- 
 tillery ? faid my uncle Toby A train of a fiddle- 
 
 ftick ! — quoth my father — which follow and fuc- 
 ceed one another in our minds at certain diftances, 
 juft like the images in the infide of a lanthorn 
 turned round by the heat of a candle. — I declare, 
 quoth my uncle Toby, mine are more like a fmoke- 
 
 jack. Then, brother Toby, I have nothing more 
 
 to fay to you upon the fubject, faid my father. 
 
 CHAP. XIX, 
 
 " WHAT a conjuncture w^as here loft ! 
 
 My father, in one of his beft explanatory moods, 
 •—in eager purfuit of a metaphyfical point, into the 
 very regions where clouds and thick darknefs m ould 
 foon have encompalTed it about ; — my uncle Toby 
 in one of the fineft difpofitions for it in the world ; 
 — his head like a fmoke-jack ; — the funnel unfwept, 
 and the ideas whirling round and round about in it, 
 all obfufcated and darkened over with fuliginous 
 
 matter ! By the tomb-ftone of Lucian, — if it is 
 
 in being ; — if not, why then by his alhes ! by the 
 
 allies 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 aflies of my dear Rabelais, and dearer Cervantes ! 
 
 my father and my uncle Toby's difcourfe upon 
 
 TIME and ETERNTTY,^ — was a difcourfe devoutly 
 to be wifhed for ! and the petulancy of my father s 
 humour, in putting a ftop to it as he did, was a 
 robbery of the Ontologic Treajiiry of fuch a jewels 
 as no coalition of great occafions and great men are 
 ever likely to reftore to it again* 
 
 CHAP. xxr. 
 
 THO' my father perfifted in not going on with 
 the difcourfe, — yet he could not get my uncle 
 Toby's fmoke-jack out of his head,—- piqued as he 
 was at firft with it ; — there was fomething in the 
 comparilbn at the bottom which hit his fancy ; for 
 which pyrpofe, refting his elbow upon the table, 
 and reclining the right fide of his head upon the 
 palm of his hand, — but looking firft ftedfaftly in 
 the fire, — he began to commune with himfelf, 
 and philofophize about it : but his fpirits being 
 wore out with the fatigues of inveftigating new 
 trafts, and the conftant exertion of his faculties 
 upon that variety of fubje6ls which had taken their 
 turn in the difcourfe, — the idea of the fmoke-jack 
 foon turned all his ideas upfide down,-^ — fo that he 
 fell afleep almoft before he knew what he was 
 about. 
 
 As for my uncle Toby, his fmoke-jack had not 
 made a dozen revolutions before he lell alleep alio 
 ^ Peace be with them both! — -Dr. Slop is 
 
 VOL. T. Q engaged 
 
226 
 
 THE LIFE A^T> OPINIONS 
 
 engaged with the midwife and niy mother, above 
 
 ftairs. Trim is bufy in turning an old pair of 
 
 jack-boots into a couple of mortars, to be em{)loyed 
 in the fiege of Meffma next fummer ; — and is this 
 inftant boring the touch-holes with the point of a 
 
 hot poker. All my heroes are off my hands ; 
 
 — 'tis the firft time I have had a moment to fpare, 
 • — and I'll make ufe of it, and write my preface. 
 
 THE AUTHORS PREFACE. 
 
 NO, I'll not fay a word about it ; — here it is.~ 
 In publiftiing it, — I have appealed to the world, — • 
 and to the world I leave it ; — it muft fpeak for 
 itfelf. 
 
 All I know of the matter is, when I fat down, 
 my intent was to write a good book ; and as far as 
 the tenuity of my qnderftanding would hold out, 
 - — a wife, aye, and a difcreet ; taking care only, as 
 I went along, to put into it all the wit and the 
 judgment (be it more or lefs) which the great Au- 
 thor and Beftowerofthem had thought fit originally 
 to give me ; — fo that, as your Worfhips fee, — tis 
 juft as God pleafes. 
 
 Now, Agalaftes (fpeaking difpraifingly) faith, 
 That there may be fome wit in it, for aught he 
 knows, — but no judgment at all : and Triptolemus 
 and Phutatorius a«:reeins[ thereto, afk, How is it 
 poffible there ftiould ? for that wit and judgment 
 in this world never go together ; inafmuch as they 
 1 are 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 227 
 
 are two operations differing from each other as 
 wide as eaft from weft. — So fays Locke : — fo are 
 farting and hickuping, fay 1. But in anfwer to 
 this, Didius the great church-lawyer, in his code 
 de fartendi et illuftrandi fallaciis^ doth maintain and 
 make fully appear. That an illuftration is no ar- 
 gument : — nor do I maintain the wiping of a look- 
 ing glafs clean to be afyllogiiin ; — but you all, may 
 it pleafe your Worfhips, fee the better for it ; — fo 
 that the main good thefe things do, is only to 
 clarify the underftanding previous to the applica* 
 tion of the argument itfelf, in order to free it from 
 any Httle motes, or fpecks of opacular matter, 
 which, if left fwimming therein, might hinder a 
 conception, and fpoil all 
 
 Now, my dear anti-Shandeans, and thrice able 
 critics and fellow-labourers (for to you I Mi'ite this 
 Preface) — and to you, moft fubtle ftatefmen and 
 difcreet doctors (do,— pull off your beards) re- 
 nowned for gravity and wifdom ; — Monopolus, my 
 politician ; — Didius, my counfel ; — Kyfarcius, my 
 friend ; — Phutatorius, my guide ; — Gaftripheres, 
 the preferver of my life ; — Somnolentius, the balm 
 and repofe of it, — not forgetting all others, as well 
 fleeping as waking, ecclefiaftical as civil, whom for 
 brevity, but out of no refentment to you, I lump 
 all together. Believe me, Right Worthy, 
 
 My moft zealous wiCh and fervent prayer in your 
 behalf, and in my own too, in cafe the thing is not 
 done already for us, — is, That the great gilts and 
 endowments both of wit and judgment, with every 
 thing which ufually goes along with them :— fjch 
 
 Q 2 as 
 
228 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPHSTION? 
 
 as memory, fancy, genius, eloquence, quick parts^ 
 and what not, may this precious moment, without 
 ftint or meafure, let or hindrance, be poured down 
 warm as each of us could be^r k,— fcum and 
 ferliment and all (for I would not have a drop 
 loft) into the feveral receptacles, cells, cellules, 
 domiciles, dormitories, refeQories, and fpare-places 
 
 of our brains, in llich fort, that they might 
 
 continue to be injefted and tunn'd into, accord- 
 ing to the true intent and meaning of my wifh, 
 until every veffel of them, both great and fmall, be 
 fo replenifiiVl, faturated, and fihed up therewith, 
 that no more, would it fave a man s life, could pof- 
 fibly be got either in or out. 
 
 Blels us ! — what noble wwk we fhould make ! — - 
 how fnould I tickle it off! — and what fpirits fliouid 
 I find myfelf in, to be writing away for fuch readers ! 
 — and you, — ;juft Heaven ! — ^with what raptures 
 would you fit and read ! — but oh ! — 'tis too much ! 
 ■ — I am fick, — I faint away deiicioufiy at the 
 thoughts of it ! — 'tis more than nature can bear ! — - 
 lay hold of me, — I am giddy, ^ — I am ftone blind, — ■ 
 
 I am dying, — I am gone. Help ! Help ! Help ! 
 
 — But hold, — I grow fomething better again, fur 
 I am beginning to forefee, when this is over, that as 
 we fnall all of us continue to be great wits, — e 
 fliould never agree amongft ourfelves one day^to an 
 
 end : ^-there would be fo much fa tire and far- 
 
 cafm, — fcoffing and flouting, with rallying and re- 
 parteeing of it, — thrufting and parrying in one cor- 
 ner or another, — there w ould be nothing but mif- 
 
 chief among us. Chafte ftars ! what biting and 
 
 fcratching, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 229 
 
 fcratching, and whataracket and a clatter we fhould 
 make, wliat with breaking of heads, rapping of 
 knuckles, and hitting of fore places,— there would 
 be no fuch thing as living for us. 
 
 But then ao^ain, as we fhould all of us be men of 
 great judgment, we fliould make up matters as faft 
 as ever they went wrong ; and though we fliould 
 abominate each other ten times worfe than fo many 
 devils or devileffes, we fliould neverthelefs, my dear 
 creatures, be all courtefy and kindnefs, milk and 
 honey, — 'twould be a fecond land of promife, — - 
 a paradife upon earth, if there was fuch a thing 
 to be had ; — fo that, upon the whole, we fhould 
 have done well enoughs 
 
 .All I fret and fume at, and what moft cfiftrefles 
 my Invention at prefent, is how to bring the point 
 itfelf to bear ; for as your W orfliips well know, 
 that of thefe heavenly emanations of wit and judg- 
 ment, which I have fo bountifully wiflied both for 
 your Worfliips and myfelf, — there is but a certain 
 quantum ftored up for us all, for the ule and behoof 
 of the whole race of mankind ; and fuch fmall mo- 
 dicums oi em are only fent forth into this wide world, 
 ciixulating here and there in one bye -corner or 
 another, — and in fuch narrow ftreams, and at fuch 
 prodigious intervals from each other, that one 
 M ould wonder how it holds out, or could^ be fuf- 
 ficient for the wants and emergencies of fo many 
 great ftates and populous empires. 
 
 Indeed, there is one thing to be confidered : That 
 in Nova Zembla, North Lapland, and in all tho.e 
 cold and dreary tracks of the globe which lie more 
 Q 3 direCtly 
 
THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 dire6lly under the ar6lic and antarctic circles, where 
 the whole province of a man s concernments lies 
 for near nine months together within the narrow 
 compafs of his cave, — where the fpirits are com- 
 prefled almoft to nothing, — and where the paffions 
 of a man, with every thing which belongs to them, 
 are as frigid as the zone itfelf, - -there the leaft 
 quantity of judgment imaginable does the bufmefs ; 
 ' — and of 're;//,— there is a total and an abfolute 
 faving, — for as not one fpark is wanted, — fo not 
 one fpark is given. Angels and minifters of grace 
 defend us ! what a difmal thing would it have been 
 to have governed a kingdom, to have fought a 
 battle, or made a treaty, or run a match, or wrote 
 a book/or got a child, or held a pfovincial chapter 
 there, with fo flentiful a lack of wit and judgment 
 about us ! — For mercy s fake, let us think no more 
 about it, but travel on as faft as we can fouthwards 
 into Norway, — croffmg over Swedeland, if you 
 pleafe, through the fmall triangular province of 
 Angermania, to the I-ake of Bothnia ; coafting along 
 it through Eaft and Weft Bothnia, down to Ca- 
 relia, and fo on, through all thofe ftates and pro- 
 vinces which border upon the far fide of the Gulf of 
 Finland, and the north-eaft of the Baltic, up to Peterf- 
 bourg, and juft ftepping into Ingria; — then ftretch- 
 ing over direftly from thence through the north 
 parts of the Ruffian empire, leaving Siberia a little 
 upon the left hand, till we got into the very heart 
 of Ruffia and Afiatic Tartary. 
 
 Now through this long tour which I have led you, 
 you obferve the good people are better off by far, 
 
 than 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 23 1 
 
 than in the polar countries which we have juft left : 
 
 for if you hold your hand over your eyes, and 
 
 look very attentively, you may perceive fome fmall 
 glimmerings (as it were) of wit, with a comfortable 
 provifion of good plain houfehold judgment, which, 
 taking the quality and quantity of it together, they 
 make a very good fhift with; — and had they more of 
 either the one or the other, it would deftroy the pro- 
 per balance betwixt them ; and lam fatisfied, more- 
 over, they would want occafions to put them to ufe. 
 
 Now, Sir, if I conduft you home again into this / 
 warmer and more luxuriant ifland, where you per- 
 ceive the fpring-tide of our blood and humours runs 
 high ; — where we have more ambition, and pride, 
 and envy, and lechery, and other whorefon pafiions 
 upon our hands to govern and fubjefl: to reafon, — 
 the height of our wit, and the deph of our judgment, 
 you fee, are exafitly proportioned to the length and 
 breadth of our neceffities; — and accordingly we 
 have them fent down amonglt us in fuch a flowing 
 kind of decent and creditable plenty, that no one 
 thinks he has any caufe to complain. 
 
 It muft however be confefled on this head, that, 
 as our air blows hot and cold, — wet and dry, ten 
 times in a day, we have them in no regular and 
 fettled way ; — fo that fometimes for near half a 
 century together, there lhall be very little wit or 
 judgment either to be feen or heard of amongft us : 
 • — the fmall channels of them lhall feem quite dried 
 up;- — then all of a fudden the fluices lhall break 
 out, and take a fit of running again like fury, — 
 
 you would think they would never ftop; and 
 
 Q 4 then 
 
232 Tfffe LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 then it is that, in writing, and fighting, and twenty 
 other gallant things, w e drive all the world be- 
 fore us. 
 
 It is by thefe obfervations, and a wary reafon- 
 ing by analogy in that kind of argumentative pro- 
 cels, w^hich Suidas calls dialeBic indu^ion^ — that I 
 draw and fet up this pofition as moft true and 
 veritable : 
 
 That of thefe two luminaries, fo much of their 
 irradiations are fuffered from time to time to fliine 
 down upon us, as he, whofe infinite wifdom which 
 difpenfes every thing in exa6l weight and meafure, 
 knows will juft ferve to light us on our way in this 
 night of our obfcurity; fo that your Reverences 
 and Worfhips now find out, nor is it a moment 
 longer in my power to conceal it from you, That 
 the fervent wifti in your behalf w ith which I fet out, 
 was no more than the firft infinuating How d'ye of 
 a careffing prefacer, ftifling his reader, as a lover 
 fometimes does a coy miftrefs, into filence. For, 
 alas ! could this effufion of light have been as eafily 
 procured, as the exordium wifhed it, — I tremble 
 to think how many thouiands for it, of benighted 
 travellers (in the learned fciences at leaft) muft 
 have groped and blundered on in the dark, all the 
 nights of their lives, — running their heads againft 
 pofts, and knocking out their brains, without ever 
 getting to their journey's end ; — fome falling with 
 their nofes perpendicular into finks ; — others hori- 
 zontally with their tails into kennels : Here one 
 half of a learned profeffion tilting/^// butt againft 
 the other half of it ; and then tumbling and rolling 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHATSTDY. 233 
 
 one over the other in the dirt like hogs : — Here the 
 brethren of another profeffion, who fhould have run 
 in oppofition to each other, flying on the contrary, 
 like a flock of wild geefe, all in a row the lame way. 
 • — What confufion! — what miftakes! — fiddlers and 
 painters judging by their eyes and ears — admirable! 
 ■ — trufting to the paffions excited, — in an air fung, 
 or a ftory painted to the heart, — inftead of meafuring 
 them by a quadrant ! 
 
 In the fore-ground of this picture, a ftatejman 
 turning the political wheel, like a brute, the wrong 
 way round — againft the ftream of corruption, — by 
 Heaven! — inftead of with it! 
 
 In this corner, a fon oJLthe divine Efculapius, 
 writing a book againft predeftination ; perhaps 
 worfe, — feeling his patient s pulle, inftead of his apo- 
 thecary's : — a brother of the Faculty in the back- 
 ground upon his knees, in tears, — drawing the cur- 
 tains of a mangled viClim, to beg his forgivenefs; — 
 offering a fee, inftead of taking one. 
 
 In that fpacious hall, a coalition of the gown, 
 from all the bars of it, driving a damn'd dirty, vexa- 
 tious caufe before them, with all their might and 
 main, the wroi:ig way! — kicking it out of the great 
 doors, inftead of ml — and with fuch fury in their 
 looks, and fuch a degree of inveteracy in their man- 
 ner of kicking it, as if the laws had been originally 
 made for the peace and prefervation of mankind : 
 
 perhaps a more enormous miftake committed 
 
 by them ftill, — a litigated point fairly hung up; — 
 for inftance. Whether John oNokes his nofe could 
 ftand in Tom d Stiles his face, without a trefpafs, or 
 
 not?— 
 
234 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 not? — rallily determined by them in five-and- 
 twenty minutes, which, with the cautious pro's 
 and con's required in fo intricate a proceeding, 
 might have taken up as many months ; — and if car- 
 ried on upon a mihtary plan, as your Honours know 
 an ACTION fhould be, with all the ftratagems prac- 
 ticable therein, — liichas feints,— forced marches,— 
 furprifes, — ambufcades, — maik-batteries, and a 
 thouiand other ftrokes of generahhip, which confift 
 in catching at all advantages on both fides, — might 
 reafonably have lafted them as many years, finding 
 food and raiment all that term for a centumvirate 
 of the profeffion. 
 
 As for the Clergy, — No ; — if I fay a word againft 
 them, I'll be ihot.- — — I have no defire ; and befides, 
 if I had, — I durft not for my foul touch upon the 
 fubjefit. With fuch weak nerves and fpirits, and 
 in the condition I am in at prefent, 'twould be as 
 much as my life was worth, to deje6t and contrift 
 myfelf with fo bad and melancholy an account ; — 
 and therefore 'tis lafer to draw a curtain acrois, and 
 haften from it, as faft I can, to the main and prin- 
 cipal point I have undertaken to clear up ; — and 
 that is. How it comes to pafs, that your men of 
 leaft wil are reported to be men of moft judgment? 
 — But mark — I foy, reported to be] — for it is no 
 more, my dear Sirs, than' a report, and which, like 
 twenty others taken up every day upon truft, I 
 maintain to be a vile and a malicious report into the 
 bargain. 
 
 This by the help of the obfervation already pre- 
 mifed, and I hope already weighed and perpended 
 
 by 
 
or TRISTRAM SHANDY. 235 
 
 by your Reverences and Worihips, I fliall forthwith 
 make appear. 
 
 I hate let diflfertations ; — and, above all things in 
 the world, 'tis one of the fiUieft things in one of 
 them, to darken your hypothefis by placing a num- 
 ber of tall, opake words, one before another, in a 
 right line, betwixt your ow n and your reader s con- 
 ception, — when, in alUikelihood, if you had looked 
 about, you might have feen fomething ftanding, or 
 hcuiging up, which would have cleared the point at 
 once ; — for what hindrance, hurt, or harm doth 
 " the laudable defire of knowledge bring to any 
 
 man, if even from a fot, a pot, a fool, a ftool, 
 " a winter^mittain, a truckle for a pulley, the lid 
 " of a goldfmith's crucible, an oil-bottle, an old 
 
 flipper, or a cane-chair?'' — I am this moment 
 fitting upon one. Will you give me leave to illuf- 
 trate this affair of wit and judgment, by the two 
 knobs on the top of the back of it? — they are faft- 
 ened on, you fee, with two pegs ftuck flightly into 
 two gimlet-holes, and will place what I have to 
 fay in fo clear a light, as to let you fee through the 
 drift and meaning of my whole preface, as plainly 
 as if every point and particle of it was made up of 
 fun- beams, 
 
 I enter novv^ direclly upon the point. 
 
 — Here ftands wit^ — and there itands judgment, 
 clofe befide it, juft like the two knobs I'm fpeaking 
 of, upon the back of this felf-fame chair on w^hich I 
 am fitting. 
 
 — You fee, they are the higheft and moft orna- 
 mental parts of its frame^ — as and judgment are 
 
 of 
 
236 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 ofmrs, — and^ like them too^ indubitably both made 
 and fitted to go together, in order, as we fay in all 
 fueh cafes of duplicated embelliihments,— anjzver 
 one another. 
 
 Now, for the fake of an experiment, and for the 
 clearer illuftrating this matter, — let us for a moment 
 take off one of thefe two curious ornaments (I care 
 not w^hich) from the point or pinnacle of the chair 
 it now ftands on : — nay, don't laugh at it, — but did 
 you ever fee, in the whole courfe of your lives, fuch 
 a ridiculous bufinefs as this has made of it? — Why, 
 'tis as miferable a fight as afow^ with one ear; and 
 there is juft as much fenfe and fymmetry in the one 
 as in the other.-- — Do, — pray, get off your feats, 
 only to take a vievv^ of it. — Now, would any man 
 who valued his charafter a ftraw, have turned a 
 piece of work out of his hand in fuch a condition? — 
 Nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and anfvver 
 this plain queftion, Whether this one fingie knob, 
 which now ftands here like a blockhead by itfelf, 
 can ferve any^purpofe upon earth, but to put one 
 in mind of the want of the other? — and let me far- 
 ther alk, in cafe the chair was your own, if you 
 would not in your confciences think, rather than be 
 as it is, that it would be ten times better w ithout any 
 knob at all? 
 
 Now thefe two knobs, — or top-ornaments of 
 the mind of man, Avhich crown the whole enta- 
 blature, — being, as I faid, wit and judgment, 
 which, of all others, as I liave proved it, are the 
 moft needful, — the moft priz d, — the moft -calami- 
 tous to be without, and confequently the hardeft 
 
 to 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 237 
 
 to come at ; — for all thefe reafons put together, 
 there is not a mortal among us fo deftitute of 
 a love of good fame or feeding, — or fo ignorant of 
 what will do him good therein, — who does not 
 wdfh and ftedfaftly refolve in his own mind, to> 
 be, or to be thought at leaft, mafter of the one 
 or the other, and indeed of both of them, if the 
 "thing feems any way feafible, or likely to be brought 
 to pafs. 
 
 Now, your graver gentry having little or no kind 
 of chance in aiming at the one, — unlefs they 
 laid hold of the other,— pray what do you think 
 
 would become of them- ? Why, Sirs, in fpite of 
 
 all their gravities, they niuft e en have been con- 
 tented to have gone with their infides naked : — this 
 was not to be borne, but by an effort of philofophy 
 not to be fuppofed in the cafe we are upon; — io 
 that no one could well have been angry with thern^ 
 had they been fatisfied with what little they could 
 have fnatched up and fecreted under their clokes 
 and great perriwigs, had they not raifed a hue and 
 cry at the fame time againft the lawful owners. 
 
 I need not tell your Worlhips, that this was done 
 with fo much cunning and artifice, — that the great 
 Locke, who was feldom outwitted by falfe founds, 
 
 —was neverthelefs bubbled here. The cry, it 
 
 feems, was fo deep and folemn a one, and what 
 with the help of great wigs, grave faces, and other 
 implements of deceit, was rendered fo general a one 
 againft the poor wits in this matter, that the philo- 
 fopher himfelf was deceived by it : — it was his glory 
 to free the world from the lumber of a thoufand 
 
 vulgar 
 
238 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 vulgar errors ; — but this was not of the number ; fo 
 that, inftead of fitting down coolly, as fuch a philo- 
 fopher fliould have done, to have examined the 
 matter of fa6l before he philofophized upon it, — on 
 the contrary, he took the fa6l for granted, and fo 
 joined in with the cry, and halloo'd it as boifteroufly 
 as the reft. 
 
 This has been made the IMagna Charta of 
 ftupidity ever fmce : — but your Reverences plainly 
 fee, it has been obtained in fuch a manner, that the 
 
 title to it is not worth a groat: which, by the 
 
 bye, is one of the many and vile impofitions which 
 gravity and grave folks have to anfwer for here- 
 after. 
 
 As for great wigs, upon which I may be thought 
 to have fpoken my mind fo freely, — ^^I beg leave to 
 qualify whatever has been unguardedly faid to their 
 difpraife or prejudice, by one general declaration, — 
 That I have no abhorrence whatever, nor do I 
 deteft and abjure either great wigs or long beards, 
 any farther than when I fee they are befpoke and 
 let grow on purpofe to carry on this felf-fame im- 
 pofture, — for any purpofe. — Peace be with them ! 
 ' — prl^Markonly, — I write not for them. 
 
 CHAP. xxr. 
 
 EVERY day for at leaft ten years together, did 
 my father refolve to have it mended : — 'tis not 
 mended yet. — No family but ours would have 
 borne with it an hour ; — and, what is moft aftonifli- 
 
 ing, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 239 
 
 ing, there was not a fubjecl in the world upon 
 which my father was lb eloquent, as upon that of 
 
 door-hinges : and yet at the iame time, he was 
 
 certainly one of the greateft bubbles to them, I 
 think, that hiftory can produce: his rhetoric and 
 
 condu6i: were at perpetual handy-cuffs. Never 
 
 did the parlour-door open,— but his philofophy or 
 his principles fell a viQ:im to it. — Three drops of 
 oil with a feather, and a fmart ftroke of a hammer^ 
 had faved his honour for ever. 
 
 Inconfiftent foul that man is ! — ^lano-uidiincy 
 
 o o 
 
 under wounds, which he has the power to heal ! — - 
 his whole life a contradiction to his knowledge!— 
 his reafon, that precious gift of God to him, — (in- 
 ftead of pouring in oil) ferving but to ftiarpen his 
 fenfibilities, — to multiply his pains, and render him 
 melancholy and more uneafy under them! — Poor 
 unhappy creature, that he lliould do fo ! — Are not 
 the necelTary caufes of mifery in this life enough^ 
 but he muft add voluntary ones tohisftockof for- 
 row ! — ftruggle againft evils which cannot be avoid- 
 ed ! and fubmit to others, which a tenth part of 
 the trouble they create him would remove from his 
 heart for ever ! 
 
 By all that is good and virtuous, if there are 
 three drops of oil to be got, and a hammer to be 
 found within ten miles of Shandy-Hall, the parlour 
 door-hinge lhall be mended this reign. 
 
240 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXII. 
 
 WHEN Corporal Trim had brought his two 
 mortars to bear, he was dehghted with his handy- 
 w^ork above meafure ; and knowing what a plea- 
 lure it would be to his mafter to fee them, he was 
 not able to refift the defire he had of carrying 
 them direftly into his parlour. 
 
 Now, next to the moral leffbn I had in view, 
 in mentioning the affair of hinges^ I had a fpe- 
 culative confideration arifmg out of it, and it is 
 this : 
 
 Had the parlour-door opened and turn d upon 
 its hinges, as a door fliould do,^^ — 
 
 Or, for example, as cleverly as our government 
 has been turning upon its hinges, — (that is, in 
 cafe things have all along gone well with your 
 Worfhip, — otherwife I give up my fimile) — in this 
 cafe, I fay, there had been no danger, either to 
 mafter or man, in Corporal Trim's peeping in : 
 the moment he had beheld my father and my 
 uncle Toby faft alleep, — the refpe6lfulnefs of his 
 carriage was fuch, he would have retired as filent 
 as death, and left them both in their arm-chairs, 
 dreaming as happy as he had found them : but 
 the thing was, morally fpeaking, fo very imprac- 
 ticable, that for the many years in which this hinge 
 was fuffered to be out of order, and amongft the 
 hourly grievances my father fubmitted to upon its 
 account, — this was one ; that he never folded his 
 arms to take his nap after dinner, but the thoughts 
 
 of 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 24I 
 
 of being unavoidably awakened by the firft perfon 
 who lliould open the door, was always uppermoft 
 in his imagination, and fo inceflantly ftepp'd in 
 betwixt him and the firft balmy prelage of his 
 repole, as to rob him, as he often declared, of the 
 \Vhole fweets of it. 
 
 When things move upon bad hinges, an 
 pleafe your Worfliips, how can it be other- 
 " wife?^' 
 
 Pray what s the matter ? Who is there ? cried 
 my father, waking, the moment the door began to 
 
 creak. -I wiili the fmith would give a peep at 
 
 that confounded hinge. 'Tis nothing, an' pleafe 
 
 your Honour, faid Trim, but two mortars I am 
 
 bringing in. They lhant make a clatter with 
 
 them here, cried my father haftily. If Dr. Slop 
 
 has any drugs to pound, let him do it in the kit- 
 chen. -May it pleafe your Honour, cried Trim, 
 
 they are two mortar-pieces for a fiege next limi- 
 mer, which I have been making out of a pair of 
 jack-boots, which Obadiah told me your Honour 
 
 had left off wearing. By Heaven ! cried my 
 
 father, fpringing out of his chair, as he fwore, — • 
 I have not one appointment belonging to me which 
 I fet fo much ftore by, as I do by thefe jack- 
 boots : — they were our great-grandfather s, brother 
 
 Toby : — they were hereditary.- Then I fear, 
 
 (juoth my uncle Toby, Trim has cut off the 
 
 entail. 1 have only cut off the tops, an' pleafe 
 
 your Honour, cried Trim. 1 hate perpetuities 
 
 as much as any man alive, cried my father, — but 
 hefe jack-boots, continued he (foiiling, though 
 VOL. I, R verj 
 
242 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 very angry at the lame time) have been in the 
 family, brother, ever fince the civil wars ; — Sir 
 Roger Shandy wore them at the battle of Marfton- 
 Moor.- — I declare I would not have taken ten 
 
 pounds for them. I'll pay you the money, 
 
 brother Shandy, quoth my uncle Toby, looking at 
 the two mortars with infinite pleafurc, and putting 
 his hand into his breeches-pocket as he viewed 
 them — I'll pay you the ten pounds this moment, 
 
 with all my heart and foul. 
 
 Brother Toby, replied my father, altering his 
 tone, you care not what money you diffipate and 
 throw away, provided, continued he^, 'tis but upon 
 
 a SIEGE. Have I not one hundred and twenty 
 
 pounds a year, befides my half-pay.^ cried my 
 
 uncle Toby. What is that, — replied my father 
 
 haftily, — to ten pounds for a pair of jack-boots ? — 
 twelve guineas for your pontoons ? — half as much 
 for your Dutch draw-bridge ? — to fay nothing of 
 the train of little brafs artillery you befpoke laflr 
 week, with twenty other preparations for the fiege 
 of Meffma ! believe me, dear brother Toby, con- 
 tinued my father, taking him kindly by the hand^ 
 — thefe military operations of yours are above 
 your ftrength — you mean well, brother,- — but they 
 carry you into greater expences than you were 
 at firft aware of ; — and take my word, dear Toby^, 
 they will in the end quite ruin your fortune, 
 
 and make a beggar of you. What fignifies 
 
 it if they do, brother, replied my uncle Toby, 
 fo long as we know tis for the gX)od of the 
 nation? 
 
 My 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 243 
 
 My father could not help finiling for his foul : — 
 his anger at the worft was never more than a fpark ; 
 - — and the zeal and limplicity of Trim, — and the 
 generous (though hobhy-horfical) gallantry of my 
 uncle Toby, brought him into perfect good humour 
 with them in an inftant. 
 
 Generous fouls! — God profper you both, and 
 your mortar-pieces, too! quoth my father to him- 
 felf 
 
 CHAP. XXIII. 
 
 ALL is quiet and hufii, cried my father, at 
 leaft above ftairs : — I hear not one foot ftirring.— 
 
 Prithee, Trim, who's in the kitchen ? There is 
 
 no one foul in the kitchen, anfwered Trim, making 
 
 a low bow as he fpoke, except Dr. Slop. Confu- 
 
 fion ! cried my father (getting upon his legs a fecond 
 time) — not one fmgle thing has gone right this day ! 
 Had I faith in aftrology, brother (which, by the bye, 
 my father had) I would have fworn fome retrograde 
 planet was hanging over this unfortunate houfe of 
 mine, and turning every individual thing in it out 
 of its place. — Why, I thought Dr. Slop had been 
 above ftairs with my wife; and fo laid you. — - 
 What can the fellow be puzzling about in the 
 kitchen!—- — He is bufy, an pleafe your Honour, 
 
 replied Trim, in making a bridge. — 'Tis very 
 
 obliging in him, quoth my uncle Toby : — pray, give 
 my humble fervice to Dn Slop, Trim, aird tell him 
 I thank him heartilVc 
 
 B, 2 You 
 
244 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 You muft know, my uncle Toby miftook the 
 bridge, — as*\videly as my father miftook the moi- 
 tars : — but to underftand how my uncle Toby - 
 could miftake the bridge, — I fear I muft give you 
 an exaft account of the road which led to it; — or, 
 to drop my metaphor (for there is nothing more - 
 difhoneft in an biftorian than the ule of one) — in 
 order to conceive the probability of this error in my 
 uncle Toby aright, I maift give you fome account 
 of an adventure of Triin's, though much againft my . 
 will ; I fay much againft my will, only becaufe the 
 ftory, in one fenfe, is certainly out of its place 
 here; for by right, itfiiould come in, either amongft 
 the anecdotes of my uncle Toby's amours with 
 Widow Wadman, in which Corporal Trim was 
 no mean a6lor, — or elfe in the middle of his and 
 my uncle Toby s campaigns on the bowling-green, 
 for it will do very well in either place ; — but then, 
 if I referve it for either of thole parts of my ftory, 
 - — I ruin the ftory I'm upon ; — and if I tell it here^ 
 -—I anticipate matters, and ruin it there. 
 
 — What w^ould your Worftiips have me to do in 
 this cafe? 
 
 — Tell it, Mr. Shandy, by all means. You 
 
 are a fool, Triftram, if you do. 
 
 O ye powers ! (for powers ye are, and great ones 
 too) — which enable mortal man to tell a ftory worth 
 the hearing, — that kindly lliew him where he is to 
 begin it, — and where he is to end it, — what he is 
 to put into it, — -and what he is to leave out, — how 
 much of it he is to caft into a lhade, — and where- 
 abouts he is to throw his light ! — Ye, who prefide 
 
 over 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 245 
 
 over this vaft empire of biographical freebooters, 
 and fee bow many fcrapes md plunges your 
 fubjefts hourly fall into,— will you do one 
 thing ? 
 
 1 beg and befeech you (in cafe you will do nothing 
 better for us) that w herever iri any part of your do- 
 minions it fo fails out, that three feveral roads meet 
 in one point, as they have done juft here, — that at 
 Icaft you fet up a guide-poft in the centre of them, 
 in mere charity, to direO: an uiicertain devil which 
 of the three he is to take. 
 
 CHAP. XXI Vp 
 
 THO' the fliock my uncle Toby received the 
 year after the demolition of Dunkirk, in his affair 
 widi Widow Wadman, had fixed him in a refolutiou 
 never more to think of the fex, — or of aught which 
 belonged to it ; — yet Corporal Trim had niade no 
 fuch bargain with himfelf. — Indeed, in my uncle 
 Toby s cafe there was a ftrange and unaccountable 
 concurrence of circumftances, which infenlibly drew 
 him in, to lay fiege to that fair and ftrong citadel. — 
 In Trim's cafe there was a concurrence of nothing 
 in the world, but of him and Bridget in the kitchen; 
 — though in truth, the love and veneration he bore 
 his mafter was fuch, and lb fond w^as he of imitating 
 him in all he did, that had my uncle Toby employed 
 his time and genius in tagging of points, — I am 
 perfuaded the honeft Corporal would have laid 
 flown his arms, and followed his example with 
 
 R 3 pleafure. 
 
246 THE LIFE AXD OPINIONS 
 
 plealure. When therefore my uncle Toby fat 
 down before the miftrefs, — Corporal Trim incon- 
 tinently took ground before the maid. 
 
 Now, my dear friend Garrick, whom I have fo 
 much caufe to efteem and honour — (wh)^, or where- 
 fore, 'tis no matter)— can it efcape your penetration 
 ■ — I defy it, — that fo many play-wrights^ and opi- 
 ficcrs of chitchat have ever fmce been working upon 
 Trim's and my uncle Toby's pattern? — I care not 
 what Ariftotle, or Pacuvius, or Boffu, or Ricaboni 
 fay-^ — (though I never read one of them) — there is 
 not a greater difference between a fingle horfe chair 
 and Madam Pompadour s vis-a-vis^ than betwixt a 
 fmgle amour and an amour thus nobly doubled, 
 and going upon all four, prancing throughout a 
 grand drama, — Sir, a limple, fmgle, filly affair of 
 that kind, — is quite loft in five a£ls ;^ — but that is 
 neither here nor there. 
 
 After a feries of attacks and repulfes in a courfe 
 of nine months on my uncle Toby s quarter, a moft 
 minute account of every particular of w hich fliall be 
 given in its proper place, my uncle Toby, honeft 
 man ! found it neceffary to draw off his forces and 
 raife the fiege fomewhat indignantly. 
 
 Corporal Trim, as I faid, had made no fuch 
 bargain, either wdth himfelf^-— or with anyone elfe ; 
 — the fidelity however of his heart not fuffering him 
 to go into a houfe which his mafter had forfaken 
 with difguft,— he contented himlelf with turning 
 his part of the fiege into a blockade ; — that is, he 
 kept others off ; — for though he never after went 
 to thfi houfe, yet he never met Bridget in the village 
 
 but 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 247 
 
 but he would either nod, or wink, or fmile, or look 
 kindly at her, — or (as circumftances directed) he 
 would fliake her b}^ the hand, — or afl^ her lovingly 
 how Ihc did, — -or vrould give her a ribbon, — and 
 now and then, though never but when it could 
 
 be done with decorum, would give Bridget a 
 
 Precifely in this fituation did theie things ftand 
 for five years ; that is, from the demolition of 
 Dunkirk in the year thirteen, to the latter end of 
 my uncle Toby's campaign in the year eighteen, 
 which was about fix or feven weeks before the time 
 
 I'm fpeaking of, when Trim, as his cufi:om was, 
 
 after he had put my uncle Toby to bed, going 
 down one moon-fliiny night to fee that every thing 
 w^as right at his fortifications, — in the lane feparated 
 from the bow^ling-green with flowering ftirubs and 
 holly, — he efpied his Bridget. 
 
 As the Corporal thought there was nothing in 
 the world fo well w^orth Ihewing as the glorious 
 works which he and my uncle Toby had made, 
 Trim courteoufly and gallantly took her by the 
 hand, ancf led her in. This was not done fo pri- 
 vately, but that the foul-mouth'd trumpet of Fame 
 carried it from ear to ear, till at length it reach'd 
 my father's, with this untoward circumftance along 
 with it, that my uncle Toby's curious draw-bridge, 
 conftru^ed and painted after the Dutch fafhion, 
 and which went quite acrofs the ditch, — was broke 
 down, and fomehow or other cruflied all to pieces 
 that very night. 
 
 My father, as you have obferved, had no great 
 efteem for my uncle Toby's Hobby-Horse ; he 
 
 R 4 thought 
 
248 THK LIFE AXD OPINION^ 
 
 thought it the molt ridiculous horfe that ever . gerir 
 tlemL.n inountt^d , and indeed, unlefs uiy uncle 
 Toby vexed hini about it, could never think of 
 it once, without fmiling at it ; — fo that it could never 
 get lame, or happen any niifchance, but it tickled 
 my fathers imagination beyond m.eafure;- but this 
 being an accident much mare to his humour dian 
 any one which had yet befallen it, it proved an 
 inexhauftible fund of entertainment to him. — Well, ;| 
 — but, dear Toby! my father would fay, do tell me 
 
 ferioufly how this affair of the bridge happened.- — 
 
 How can you teafe me fo much about it ? my 
 uncle Toby w^ould reply ; — I have told it you 
 twenty times, word for w ord as Trim told it me. 
 
 Prithee, how was it then, Corporal P my father 
 
 w ould cry, turning to Trim. It was a mere mis- 
 fortune, an' pleafe your Honour ; — I was fliewing 
 Mrs. Bridget our fortifications ; and in going too 
 Hear the edge of the fajfe^ I unfortunately ilipp'd in 
 
 • V cry w^ell. Trim ! my father W'Ould cry — ■ 
 
 (fmiling myfterioufly, and giving a nod,— but with- 
 out interrupting him) — and being link'd faft, an 
 pleafe your Honour, arm in arm v/ith Mrs. Bridget, 
 I dragsj'd her after me • by means of which Ihe 
 fell backw ards fofs againft the brid<>:e : — and Trim's 
 foot (my uncle Toby w^ould cry, taking the ftory out 
 of his mouth) getting into the cuvette, he tumbled 
 
 full again'^: the L>ridge too.^ It was a thoufand to 
 
 one, my uncle Toby would add, that the poor fellow 
 
 did not break his leg. Ay, truly, my father would 
 
 fay, — a limb is foon broke, brother Toby, in fuch 
 
 encounters. And ib, an' pleaie your Honour, the 
 
 bridge^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 249 
 
 bridge, which your Honour knows w:is a very fligiit 
 one, ^yas brpk^e down betwixt us, and l|3lintered all 
 to pieces. 
 
 At other times, but efpecially when my uncle 
 Toby w^as lb unfortunate as to lay a lyllable about 
 cannons, bornbs, or petards, — my father would ex- 
 hauft all the ftores of iiis eloquence (which indeed 
 were very great) in a panegyric upon tile battering- 
 rarns of the antients — the vinea which Alexander 
 made ufe of at the fiege of Troy. — He w^ould tell 
 my uncle Toby of the catapultte of the S3Tians, 
 w'hich threw fachmonftrous ftones fo many hundred 
 feet, and fliook the ftrongeft bulwarks from their 
 very foundations : — he vt'ould go on and defcribe 
 the wonderful mechanifm of the ballijla^ w^hich 
 Marcellinus makes fo much rout about ! — the ter- 
 rible effeCls of the pyraboli which caft fire ; — the 
 danger of the terehra and fcorpio^ which caft javelins. 
 — Butwhat are thefe, would he fay, to the deftructive 
 machinery of Corporal Trim ? — Believe me, bro- 
 ther Toby, no bridge, or baftion, or fallyport, that 
 ever was conftru6led in this world, can hold out 
 againft fuch artillery. 
 
 My uncle Toby would never attempt any de- 
 fence againft the force of this ridicule, but that of 
 redoubling the vehemence of fmoking his pipe : in 
 doing which, he raifed fo denfe a vapour one night 
 after (upper, that it let my father, who was a httle 
 phthifical, into a falfocating fit of violent coughing: 
 my uncle Toby leap'd up, without feeling the pain 
 upon his groin, — ^and, with infinite pity, flood be- 
 fide his brother's chair, tapping bis back v/ith one 
 
 hand, 
 
I^.^O Tin: LIFE AND OPTTClOXS 
 
 liand^ and holding his Jicad with tlie other, and 
 fi'cm time to time wiping iiis eyes with a clean 
 cambrick handkerchief, which he pulled out of his 
 poclcet." — The affectionate and endearing manner 
 in ^vhicb. niy uncle Toby did thefe little offices, — 
 cut my father tliro' his reins, for the pain he had 
 juft Ijeen giving him. — May my brains be knock'd 
 out with a blattering- ram or a catapulta, I care 
 not -which, quoth my father to himfelf^ — if ever 
 I inlult this worthy foul more ! 
 
 C H A P. XXV. 
 
 THE draw- bridge being held irreparable, Trim 
 
 was ordered directly to fet about another, ^ but 
 
 not upon the fame model : for Cardinal Alberoni s 
 intrigues at that time being difcovered, and my 
 uncle Toby rightly forfeeing that a flame would 
 inevitably break out betwixt Spain and the Em- 
 pire, and that the operations of the enfuing cam- 
 paign muft in all likelihood be either in Naples or 
 Sicily, — he determined upon an Italian bridge — - 
 (my uncle Toby, by the b3'e, was not far out of 
 his conjeftures) ; — but my father, who was infinitely 
 the better politician, and took the lead as far of my 
 uncle Toby in tiie cabinet, as my uncle Toby took 
 it of him in the field, — convinced him, that if the 
 king of Spain and the Emperor went together by 
 tlie ears, — England, France, and Holland, muft, by 
 force of their pre-engagements, all enter the lifts 
 too ; — and if fo^ he would fay, the combatants, bro- 
 
 ti^er 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2,5 I 
 
 ther Toby, as fure as we are alive, will fall to it 
 again, pell-mell., upon the old prize-fighting ftage of 
 Flanders; — then what will you do with your Ita- 
 lian bridge ? 
 
 — We will go 0X1 with it then upon the old mo- 
 del, cried my uncle Toby. 
 
 When Corporal Trim had about half-finiflied it 
 in that ftyle, — my uncle Toby found out a capital 
 defect in it, which he had never thoroughly con- 
 fidered before. It turned, it feems, upon hinges at 
 both ends of it, opening in tlie middle, one half of 
 >vhich turning to one fide of the foiie, and the 
 other to the other ; the advantage of which was 
 this, that by dividing the weight of the bridge into 
 two equal portions, it impowered my uncle Toby 
 to raife it up or let it down with the end of liis 
 crutch, and with one hand, which, as his garrifon 
 was weak, was as much as he could w ell fpare ;— 
 but the difadvantages of fuch a conftruCtion were 
 inlurmountable ; — for by this means, he would fay, 
 I leave one half of my bridge in my enemy's pof- 
 feffion;— and pray, of w^hat ufeis the other? 
 
 The natural remedy for this was, no doubt, to 
 have his bridge faft only at one end with hinges, 
 fo that the whole might be lifted up together, and 
 ftand bolt upright ; — but that was rejected, for the 
 reafon given above. 
 
 For a whole week after, he was determined in 
 his mind to have one of that particular conftruc- 
 tion which is made to draw back horizontally, to 
 hinder a paffage ; and to thruft forwards again, to 
 gain a palTage,— of which forts your Worlhips 
 
 mighj; 
 
12j2 TRE LIFE AND 0PINI0K5 
 
 TTii^lit have feen three famous ones at Spires before 
 its deiiruHion — and one now at Brifac, iflmiitake 
 not ;— but rny father advifing my uncle Tob}^, with 
 great earneftnefs, to have nothing more to do Avith 
 thrufting bridges ; — and my uncle forefeeing more- 
 over that it would but perpetuate the memory of 
 the Corporal's misfortune, — he changed his mind 
 for that of the Marquis d' Hopilars invention, which 
 the younger Bernouiili has fo well and learnedly 
 defcribed, as your W^)rfliips may fee — Erud, 
 Lips. an. 1695 : — to thefe a lead weight is an eter- 
 nal balance, and keeps watch as well as a couple of 
 ientinels, inafmuch as the conftru8:ion of them was 
 a GUI ve line approximating to a cycloid^— — if not 
 a cycloid itfelf. 
 
 My uncle Toby underftood the nature of a para- 
 bola as well as any man in England but was not 
 quite fuch a mafter of the cycloid he talked 
 however about it every day — — the bridge wentnpt 
 
 forwards. We'll a(k Ibniebody about it, criec| 
 
 my uncle Toby to Trim, 
 
 Cll AP. XXVI. 
 
 WHEN Trim came in and told my father, that 
 Dr. Slop was in the kitchen, and bufy in making a 
 bridge, — my uncle Toby, the affair of the jack- 
 boots having juft then raifed atrainof military ideas 
 
 in his brain, took it iofiantly for granted that 
 
 Dr. Slop vv^as making a model of the Marquis d'Ho- 
 
 pitai s bridge. 'Tis very obliging in him, quoth 
 
 my 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 25;J 
 
 my uncle Toby ; — pray give my humble fervice to 
 Dr. Slop, Trim, and tell him I thank him heartily. 
 
 Had my uncle Toby's head been a Savoyard s 
 l)Ox, and my father peeping in all the time at one 
 end of it, — it could not have given him a more dif- 
 tinft conception of the operations of my uncle 
 Toby's imagination than what he had ; fo, not\\ ith- 
 ftanding the catapulta and battering-ram, and his 
 bitter imprecation about them, he was jult beginning 
 to triumph, — 
 
 M'hen Trim's anfwer, in an inftant, tore the 
 laurel from his brows, and twifted it to })ieces. 
 
 CHAP. xxvii. 
 
 THIS unfortunate draw-bridge of yours, 
 
 quoth my father, God blefs your Honour, 
 
 cried Trim, 'tis abridge for mafter s nofe. — In bring- 
 ing him into the world with his vile inftruments, 
 he has cruflied his nofe, Sufannah fays, as flat as a 
 pan-cake to his face, and he is making a falfe bridge 
 with apiece of cotton, and a thin piece of whale- 
 bone out of Sufannah's ftays, to raife it up. 
 
 • ^Lead me, brother Toby, cried my father, 
 
 to my room this inftant. 
 
 CHAP. XXVIII. 
 
 FROM the firft moment I fat down to write my 
 life for the amufement of the world, and my oj)!- 
 
 niosn 
 
254 ^^^^ 1AF£ AXD OPlNIOxVS' 
 
 iiions for its inftmciion, has a cloud infenfibly beci^ 
 gathering over my father. — A tide of little evil& 
 and diftreffes has been fetting in againlthim. — Not 
 one thing; as he obferved himfelf, has gone right ; 
 and now is the ftorm thicken'd and going to break, 
 and pour down full upon his head. • 
 
 I enter upon this part of my fiory in the moft 
 penfive and melancholy frame of mind that ever 
 lympathetic breaft was touched with. — My nerves 
 relax as I tell it. — Every line I write, I feel an 
 abatement of the quicknefs of my pulfe, and of 
 that carelefs alacrity with it, which every day of my 
 life prompts me to fay and write a thouland things 
 I ftiould not : — and this moment, that I laft dipp'd 
 my pen into my ink, I could not help taking notice 
 what a cautious air of fad compofure and folemnity 
 there appear d in my manner of doing it. — Lord f 
 how different from the rafh jerks and hair-brain'd 
 fquirts tliou art ^vont, Triftram. to tranfaO: it witb 
 in other humours — dropping thy pen, — fpurting 
 thy ink about thy table and thy books, — ^as if thy 
 pen and thy ink, thy books and thy furniture, co^ 
 thee nothing ! 
 
 CHAP. XXIX. 
 
 — —I WON'T go about to argue the point witli 
 you : — 'tis fo ; — and I am perfuaded of it, Madam, 
 as much as can be, " That both man and woman 
 " bear pain or forrow (and, for aught I know, plea- 
 " fure too) beft in a horizontal pofition/' 
 
 . 4 The 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 255 
 
 The moment my father got up into his chamber, 
 he th.revv himfclf proftrate acrols his bed in the 
 wildeft diforder imaginable, but at tlie fame time in 
 the moft lamentable attitude of a man borne down 
 with forrows, that ever the eye of pity dropp'd a 
 tear for. — 'The pahii of his right hand, as he fell 
 upon the bed, receiving his forehead, and covering 
 the greateft part of both his eyes, gently funk down 
 with his head (his elbow giving way backv/ards) till 
 his nofe touch'd the quilt ; — his left arm hung infen- 
 fibly over the fide of the bed, his knuckles reclining 
 upon the handle of tlie chamber-pol, which peep VI 
 out beyond the valance ; — his right leg (his left 
 being draw n up towards his body) Imng half over 
 the fide of the bed, the edge of it preffin^y upon his 
 fhin-bone. — lie felt it not. A fix'd, inflexible forrow 
 took poflTeifion of every line of his face. — He fighVl 
 once, — heavcl his breafl: often, — but uttered not a 
 word. 
 
 An old fet-ftitch'd chair, valanced and fringed 
 around with party-coloured worfted bobs, ftood at 
 the bed's head, oppofite to the fide where my father's 
 head reclined. — My uncle Toby fat him down in 
 it. 
 
 Before an affliftion is digefi:ed, — confolation ever 
 comes too foon ; — and after it is digefted, — it comes 
 too late : fo that you fee, Madam, there is but a 
 mark between thefe two, as fine almoft as a hair, 
 for a comforter to take aim at.^ — My uncle Toby 
 w^as alw^ays either on this fide or on that of it, and 
 would often fay, he believed in his heart he could 
 as foon hit the longitude ; for this reafon, when he 
 
 idt 
 
256 THE LIFE AND OPIXIOXS 
 
 fat down in his chair, he drew the curtain a Utile 
 forwards, and having a tear at every one's fcrvice, — • 
 he puird out a cam brick handkerchief^ — gave a 
 low figh, — but held his peace. 
 
 CHAP. XXX. 
 
 — — " ALL is not gain that is got into the 
 
 purfe.'' — So that, notwithftanding my father had 
 the happinefs of reading the oddeft books in the 
 univerfe, and had moreover, in himfelf, the oddeft 
 Avay of thinking that ever mati in it was blefs'd with, 
 
 yet it had this drawback upon him after all, • 
 
 That it laid him open to fome of the oddeft and 
 moft w himfical diftrelTes ; of which this particular 
 one, which he funk under at prefent, is as ftrong 
 an example as can be given. 
 
 No doubt, the breaking down of the bridge of a 
 child s nofe, by the edge of a pair of forceps, — 
 however fcientilically applied, — would vex any man 
 in the world who w^as at fo much pains in beget- 
 ting a child as my father was; — yet, it will not ac- 
 count for the extravao;ance of ^ iiis affliClion, nor 
 will it juftify the uncliriftian manner he abandoned 
 and furrendered himieif up to. 
 
 To explain this, I muft leave him upon the bed 
 for half an hour, — and my uncle Toby in his old 
 fringed chain fittinj^ befide him. 
 
5f TRISTRAM SHA^DT. 
 
 ^57 
 
 CHAP. xxxr« 
 
 -=—1 THINK it a very unreafonable demand^ 
 —cried my great-grandfather, twifting up the 
 
 paper, and throwing it upon the table. By this 
 
 account, Madam, you have but two thoufand 
 pounds fortune, and not a ihiUing more : — and you 
 infill upon having three-hundred pounds a year 
 jointure for it. — — 
 
 — " Becauie," replied my great-grandmother, 
 
 you have litde or no nofe, Sir." 
 
 Now, before I venture to make ufe of the word 
 Noje afecond time, — to avoid all confufion in what 
 ^vill be faid upon it, in this interelting part of 
 my ftory, it may not be amils to explain my ow^n 
 meaning, and define, with all poffible exa9:nels 
 and precifion, what I would willingly be under- 
 ftood to maan by the term ; being of opinion, 
 that 'tis owing to the negligence and perverfenefs of 
 writers in defpifing this precaution, and to nothing 
 elfe, — that all the polemical writings in divinity are 
 not as clear and demonftrative as thofe upon a JVill 
 6 the V/ij'p^ or any other found part of philofophy 
 and natural purfuit; in order to which, what have 
 you to do, before you fet out, unlefs you intend to 
 go puzzling on to the day of judgment, — but to 
 give the world a good definition, and itand to it, of 
 the main word you have mofi: occafion for, — ^ 
 changing it, Sir, as you would a guinea, into fmall 
 coin ? — which done, — let the father of confufion 
 puzzle you, if he can ; or put a different idea 
 VOL. I. - 3 ~ either 
 
•258 THE LIFE A^^D OPINIONS 
 
 either into your head, or your reader s head, if he 
 knows how. 
 
 In books of ftrict morality and clofe reafoning^ 
 fuch as this I am engaged in, —-the negle6l is in- 
 excufable ; and Heaven is witnefs how the world 
 has revenged itfelf upon me for leaving fo many 
 openings to equivocal ftri£tures, — and for depend- 
 ing fo much as I have done, all along, upon the 
 cleanlinefs of my readers imaginations. 
 
 Here are two fenfes, cried Eugenius, as 
 
 we w alk'd along, pointing with the fore-finger of his 
 ri^ht hand to the word crevice, in the one hundred 
 and fixteenth page of this firft volume of this book 
 
 of books ; here are two fenfes, — quoth he. 
 
 Andhere are two roads, repliedl, turning ftiortupon 
 him,— a dirty and a clean one, — which fliall we take? 
 
 The clean, by all means, replied Eugenius.- 
 
 Eugenius, faid I, ftepping before him, and laying my 
 hand upon his breaft, — to define, — is to diftruft, — - 
 Thus I triamph'dover Eugenius; — but I trium.ph'd 
 over him, as I always do, like a fool. — 'Tis my com- 
 fort, however, I am not an obftinate one : therefore, 
 
 I define a nofe as follows, — intreating only be- 
 forehand, and befeeching my readers, both male 
 and female, of what age, complexion, and con- 
 dition foever, for the love of God and their oWn 
 fouls, to guard againft the temptations and fiig- 
 geftions of the Devil, and fuffer him by no art or 
 wile to put any other ideas into their minds thau 
 \^'lrdt I put into my definition ; — for by the word 
 Nofe^ throughout all this long chapter of noles, anc| 
 in every other part of my work where the word 
 1 Nc/e 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 25(| 
 
 Nqfe occurs, — I declare, by that word I mean a 
 nofe, and nothing more or lefs. 
 
 CHAP, xxxii. 
 
 BECAUSE/' quoth my great-grand- 
 mother, repeating the words again, — you have 
 
 little or no nofe, Sir." 
 
 S'death ! cried my great-grandfather, clapping 
 his hand upon his nofe, — ^tis not fo fmall as that 
 comes to ; — 'tis a full inch longer than my father s. 
 
 ' Now, my great-grandfother s nofe was for all 
 
 the world like unto the nofes of all the men, wo- 
 men, and children whom Pantagruel found dwelling 
 upon the ifland of Ennafin. — By the way, if you 
 would know the ftrange way of getting akin 
 amongft fo flat-nofed a people, you muft read the 
 book :— find it out yourfelf you never can. 
 
 — 'Twas lhaped. Sir, like an ace of clubs. 
 
 Tis a full inch, continued my grandfather, 
 
 preffing up the ridge of his nofe with his finger and 
 thumb ; and repeating his afiertion, — 'tis a full 
 
 inch longer, Madam, than my father's. You 
 
 nmft mean your uncle's, replied my great-grand- 
 mother. 
 
 My great-grandfather was convinced. — ^Ile 
 
 untwifted the paper, and figned the article. 
 
THE LIFE AND Ol>XNiaNS 
 
 CHAP. XXXIIT. 
 
 ' WHAT an unconfcionable jointure, my 
 
 dear, do we pay out of this fmall eftate of ours ! 
 quoth my grandmother to my grandfather. 
 
 My father, rephed my grandfather, had no more 
 nofe, my dear, faving the mark, than there is upon 
 the back of my hand. 
 
 Now, you muft know, that my great-grand- 
 mother outUved my grandfather twelve years ; fo 
 that my father had the jointure to pay, a hundred 
 and fifty pounds half-yearly — (on Michaelmas and 
 Lady-Day)— during all that time. 
 
 No man difcharged pecuniary obligations with 
 a better grace than my father ; — and as far as a 
 hundred pounds went, he would fling it upon the 
 table, guinea by guinea, with that fpirited jerk of an 
 honeft welcome, which generous fouls, and generous 
 fouls only, are able to fling down money : but as 
 foon as ever he enter'd upon the odd fifty, — he 
 generally gave a loud hem ! rubbed the fide of his 
 nofe leifurely with the flat part of his fore- finger, — 
 inferted his hand cautioufly betwixt his head and 
 the cawl of his wig, — look'd at both fides of every 
 guinea as he parted with it, — and feldom could get 
 to the end of the fifty pounds, without pulling out 
 his handkerchief, and wiping his temples. 
 
 Defend me, gracious Heaven ! from thofe per- 
 fecuting fpirits who made no allowances for thefe 
 workings within us. — Never, — O never may I lay 
 down in their tents, who cannot relax the engine^ 
 
 and 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 261 
 
 and feel pity for the force of education, and the 
 prevalence of opinions long derived from anceftors! 
 
 For three generations at leaft, this tenet in fa- 
 vour of long nofes had gradually been taking root 
 in our family. — Tradition was all along on its 
 fide, and Interest was every half-year itepping 
 in to ftrengthen it ; fo that the whimficality of my 
 father's brain was far from having^ the whole 
 honour of this, a:'^ it had of almoft all his other 
 ftrange notions ; — for, in a great meafure, he might 
 be faid to have fuck'd this in with his mothers 
 milk. He did his part, however. — If education 
 planted the miitake (in cafe it was one) my father 
 watered it, and ripened it to perfection. 
 
 He would often declare, in fpeaking his thoughts 
 upon the fubJeS:, that he did not conceive how the 
 greateft family in England could ftand it out 
 againft an uninterrupted fuccelTion of fix or feven 
 fliort nofes. — And, for the contrary reafon, he w^ould 
 generally add, That it muft be one of the greateft 
 problems in civil life, where the fame number of 
 long and jolly nofes^ following one another in a 
 direft line, did not raife and hoilt it up into the 
 beft vacancies in the kingdom. — He would often 
 boaft that the Shandy Family rank'd very high in 
 king Harry the Vllltlf s time ; but owed its rife to 
 no fiate engine, — he would fay, — but to that only ; 
 — but that, like other families, he w^ould a id,— it 
 had felt the turn of the wheel, and had never 
 recovered the blow of my great-grandfathers lofe. 
 — It was an ace of clubs indeed, he wouki cry^ 
 lhaking his head; — and as vile a one for an uft^- 
 fortunate family as ever turn'd up trqmps, 
 
 S3 — — ^Fair 
 
q62 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Fair and foftly, gentle reader! — where is 
 
 thy fancy carrying thee ! — If there is truth in man, 
 by my great-grandfather s nofe, I mean the external 
 organ of fmelling, or that part of man which ftands 
 prominent in his face, — and which painters fay, 
 in good jolly nofes and well-proportioned faces, 
 ftiould comprehend a full third ;^ — that is, meafured 
 downwards from the fetting on of the hair. 
 
 What a life pf it has im author, at this 
 
 pafs ! 
 
 CHAP. XXXIV. 
 
 IT is a fmgular bleffmg, that nature has form'd 
 the mind of man with the fame happy backward- 
 nefs and renitency againft conviction, wljich is 
 obferved in old dogs, — of not learning new 
 
 tricks." 
 
 What a fhuttlecock of a fellow would the greateft 
 phiiofopher that ever exiited be v/hifk'd into at 
 once, did he read fuch books, and obferve fuch 
 fafts, and think fuch thoughts, as would eternally 
 be making him change fides ! 
 
 Now, my father, as I told you laft year, de- 
 tefted all this: — He pick'd up an opinion^ Sir, 
 as a man in a ftate of nature picks up an apple : 
 • — it becomes his own ; — and if he is a man of 
 fpirit, he would lofe his life rather than give it 
 
 up- 
 
 I am aware that Didius, the great civilian, will 
 conteft this point, and cry out againft me, Whence 
 
 comes 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 263 
 
 comes this man's right to this apple? eiK confeffo^ he 
 will fay, — things were in a Hate of nature ; — the 
 apple is as much Frank's apple as John's. — Pray, 
 Mr. Shandy, what patent has he to Ihew for it? and 
 how did it begin to be his ? was it when he fet his 
 heart upon it ? or when he gathered it? or when he 
 chewed it ? _or when he roafted it ? or when he 
 peel'd it, or when he brought it home ? or when he 
 digefted? — or when he — — ? — For 'tis plain, Sir, if 
 the firft picking up of the apple, made it not his,™ 
 that no fubfequent aft could. 
 
 Brother Didius, Tribonius will anfwer — (now 
 Tribonius the civiUan and church lawyer s beard 
 being three inches and a half, and three-eio^hths 
 longer than Didius his beard, — Fm glad he takes 
 up the cudgels for me ; fo I give myfelf no farther 
 trouble about the anfwer.) — ^Brother Didius, Tribo- 
 nius will fay, it is a decreed cafe, as you may find 
 it in the fragments of Gregorius and Hermogines's 
 codes, and in all the codes from Juftinian's down 
 to the codes of Louis and Des Eaux, — That the 
 iweat of a man s brows, and the exfudations of a 
 man's brains, are as much a man's own property as 
 the breeches upon his backfide ; — which faid exfuda- 
 tions, &c. being dropp'd upon the faid apple by the 
 labour of finding it, and picking it up; and being 
 moreover indiffolubly wafted, and as indilTolubly 
 annex'd, by the picker up, to the thing pick'd up, 
 carried home, i^oafted, peefd, eaten, digefted, and 
 fo on, — 'tis evident that the gatherer of the apple, 
 in fo doing, has mix'd up fomething which was his 
 own, with the apple which was not his own ; by 
 
 s 4 which 
 
264 THE LIFE AXr) OPINIOIS^S 
 
 which means he has accquired a property ; - -or^ in 
 other words, the apple is John's apple. 
 
 By the fame learned chain of reafoning my 
 father ftood up for all his opinions : he had f[)ared 
 no pains in picking them up ; and the more they 
 lay out of the common way, the better ftill was his 
 title. — No mortal claimed them ; they had coft 
 him, moreover, as much labour in cooking and 
 digefting as in the cafe above; fo that they might 
 well and truly be faid to be of his own goods and 
 chattels. — Accordingly he held faft by em, both 
 by teeth and claws, — would fly to whatever he 
 could lay his hands on, — and, in a word, would 
 tn trench and fortify them round with as many cir- 
 cumvalla;ions and breaft-works as my uncle Toby 
 would a citadel. 
 
 There is one plaguy rub in the way of this : — the 
 fcarcity of materials to make any thing of a de- 
 fence with, in cafe of a fmart attack ; inafmuch as 
 few men of great genius had exercifed their parts 
 in writing books upon the fubject of great nofes. 
 By the trotting of my lean horfe, the thing is in- 
 credible \ and I am quite loft in my underftanding, 
 when I am confidei ing what a treafure of precious 
 time and talents together has been wafted upon 
 worfe fubjefts, — -and how many millions of books, 
 in all languages, and in all pofiible types and bind- 
 ings, have been fabricated on points not half fo 
 much tending to the unity and peace-making of the 
 world ! What was to be had, however, he let the 
 greater ftore by; and though my father would oft 
 |:imes fport with my uncle Toby's library, — which, 
 3 by 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAISTDY. 265 
 
 by the bye, was ridiculous enough, — yet at the very 
 fame time he did it, he colle&ed every book and 
 treatife which had been lyftematically wrote upon 
 nofes, with as much care as my honeft uncle 
 Toby had done thofe upon military architecture. 
 ■ — 'Tis true, a much lefs table would have held 
 them ; — but that was not thy tranigreffion, my dear 
 uncle.— 
 
 Here, — but why here, — rather than in any other 
 
 part of my ftory ? 1 am not able to tell : 
 
 but here it is my heart ftops me to pay to 
 
 thee, my dear uncle Toby, once for all, the tribute 
 J owe thy goodnefs.^ — Here let me thruft my chair 
 afide, and kneel down upon the ground, whilft I am 
 pouring forth the w^armeft fentiment of love for thee^, 
 and veneration for the excellency of thy charafiter, 
 that ever virtue and nature kindled in a nephew^s 
 bofom. — Peace and comfort reft for evermore upon 
 thy head ! — Thou enviedft no man s comforts, — in- 
 fultedft no mans opinions; — thou blackenedlt no 
 man s charafter, — devouredft no man s bread ! 
 Gently, with faithful Trim behind thee, didft thou 
 ramble round the little circle of thy plealures, joft- 
 ling no creature in thy way : for each one s forrovvs 
 thou hadft a tear — for each man s need thou hadit 
 a lliilling. 
 
 Whilft I am worth one to pay a weeder^ — thy 
 path from thy door to thy bowling-green fhall 
 never be grown up. — Whilft there is a rood and a 
 half of land in the Shandy family, thy fortifica- 
 tions, my dear uncle Toby, fhall never be de- 
 liioliftj'd. 
 
266 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPIlSriONS 
 
 CHAP. XXXV. 
 
 MY father s coUeftion was not great ; but, to 
 oiake amends, it was curious ; and confequently he 
 w^as fome time in making it : he had the great for- 
 tune, however, to fet off well, in getting Brufcam- 
 biile s prologue upon long nofes, almoft for no- 
 thing ; — for he gave no more for Brufcambille than 
 three half-crowns ; owing indeed to the ftrong fancy 
 which the ftall-man ikw my father had for the 
 book, the moment he laid his hands upon it. — ^ 
 There are not three Brufcambilles in Chriftendom, 
 laid the ftall-man, except what ^^e chain'd up in 
 the libraries of the curious. My father flung down 
 the money as quick as lightning, — took Brufcam- 
 bille into his bofom, — hied home from Piccadilly 
 to Coleman-Street with it, as he would have hied 
 home with a treafure, without taking his hand once 
 off from Brufcambille all the way, 
 
 To thofe who do not yet know of w hich gender 
 Brufcambille is, — inafmuch as a prologue upon 
 long nofes might eafily be done by either, — 'twill 
 be no objefition againft the fimile — to fay, That 
 when my tather got home, he folaced himielf with 
 Brafcambille after the manner in which, 'tis ten to 
 one, your V/orOiip folaced yourfelf with your firft 
 miftrefs ; — that is, from morning even unto night : 
 which, by the bye, how delightful foever it may 
 prove to the enamorato, — is of little or no enter- 
 tainment at all to by-ftanders. — Take notice, I go no 
 farther witii the fimile;— my father's eye w^as greater 
 
 than 
 
OF TKISTRAM SHANDY. 267 
 
 <nan his appetite, — his :^eal greater than his know- 
 ledge ; — he coord, — his affe£lions became divided ; 
 
 he got hold of Prignitz, — purchafed Scroderus, 
 
 Andrea Parasus, Bouchet's Evening Conferences, 
 and, above all, the great and learned Hafen Slaw- 
 kenbergius ; of which, as I flia.ll have much to fay 
 by and by,— I will fay nothing now. 
 
 CHAP. XXXVI. 
 
 OF all the tra6ls my father w^as at the pains to . 
 procure and ftudy, in fupport of his hypothefis, 
 there was not any one wherein he felt a more 
 cruel difappointment at firft, than in the celebrated 
 Dialogue between Famphagus and Codes, written 
 by the chafte pen of the great and venerable Erafinus^ 
 upon the , various ufes and fealonable applications 
 of long nofes. — — Now dont let Satan, my dear 
 girl, in this chapter, take advantage of any onefpot 
 of rifing ground to get aftride of your imagination, if 
 you can any ways help it ; or, if he is fo nimble-as 
 to flip on, — let me beg of you, like an unback'd 
 filly, to frijk it^ /quirt it^ to jump it^ to rear it^ to 
 hound it — and to kick it^ with long kicks and Jhort 
 kicks^ tin, hke Tickletoby s mare, you break a ftrap 
 or a crupper, and throw his Worfliip into the dirt» 
 — — You need not kill him. — 
 
 • — And pray, who was Tickletoby's mare ? — 
 — 'Tis juft as difcreditable and unfcholar-like a 
 queftion. Sir, as to have afl^ed what year ( ab urh. 
 con,) the fecond Punic war broke out. — Who was 
 
 Tickletoby's 
 
268 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Tickletoby's mare ! Read, read, read, read, my 
 
 unlearDed reader ! read, — or, by the knowledge of 
 the great Saint Paraleipomenon, — I tell you before- 
 hand, you had better throw down the book at once; 
 for without much readings by which your Reverence 
 knows I mean much knowledge^ you will no more 
 be able to penetrate the moral of the next marbled 
 page (motley emblem of my work!) than the world 
 with all its fagacity has been able to unravel the 
 many opinions, tranfafitions, and truths which ftill 
 lie myftically hid under the dark veil of the black ^ 
 0n^» 
 
270 THE LIFE AND OPINIO^TS 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 271 
 
 CHAP. XXXVII. 
 
 NIHIL me fcemtet hnjiis nafi^' quoth Pam- 
 phagos ; — that is, — My nofe has been the 
 
 makmg of me." Nec eft cur pceniteat^'' re- 
 
 phes Cedes ; that is, " How the deuce Ihould 
 fuch a nofe fail ? " 
 
 The do6trine, you fee, was laid down by Eraf- 
 mus, as my father wifhed it, with the utmoft plain- 
 nefs ; but my father s difappointment was, in find- 
 ing nothing more from fo able a pen, but the bare 
 taft itfelf ; without any of that fpeculative fubtilty 
 or ambidexterity of argumentation upon it, which 
 Heaven had beftowed upon man, on purpofe to 
 invefiigate Truth, and fight for her on all fides. — 
 My father pifli'd and piiglf d at firft moft terribly. 
 
 ^Tis worth fometbing to have a good name. 
 
 As the dialogue was of Erafnuis, my father foon 
 cam.e to himfelf, and read it over and over again 
 with g^reat application, ftudying every word and 
 every fyllable of it, thro' and thro', in its moft ftriS; 
 and hteral interpretation. — He could ftill make 
 nothing of it, that way. Mayhap, there is more 
 mfeant than is faid in it, quoth my father. — Learned 
 men, brother Toby, don't wTite dialogues upon long 
 nofes for nothing.— I'll ftudy the myftic and 
 the allegoric fenfe. — ^Here is fome room to turn a 
 man's felf in, brother. 
 
 My father read on. — — 
 
 Now, T find it needful to inform vour Reve- 
 fences and Worfliips, that befides the many nau- 
 tical ufes of long nofes enumerated by Erafmus, 
 
 the 
 
27*2 THE LIFE AND OPINIOXS 
 
 the clialogift affirmeth, That a long nofe is not 
 without its clomellic conveniences alio; for that, 
 in a cafe of diftrefs, — and for want of a pair of 
 bellows, it .will do excellently well^ ad ixcitandtm 
 fccum (to ftir up the fire.) 
 
 Nature had been prodigal in her gifts to my 
 father beyond meafare, and had fown the feeds of 
 verbal criticifm as deep within hin], as llie had 
 done the feeds of all other knowledge ;^ — fo that 
 he had got out his penknife, and was trying 
 experiments upon the fentence, to fee if he could 
 not fcratch fome better fenfe into it. — I've got 
 within a fmgle letter, brother Toby, cried my 
 
 father, of Erafmus his myftic meaning. You 
 
 are near enough, brother, replied my uncle, in 
 all confcience.-— — PlhaAv ! cried my father, fcratch- 
 ing on, — I might as well be feven miles olT.— 
 I've done it,— faid my father, fnapping his fin- 
 gers. See, my dear brother Toby, how I have 
 
 mended the fenfe. But you have marr'd a 
 
 word, replied my uncle Toby. ]\iy father put 
 
 on his fpectacles,— bit his lip,— and tore out the 
 leaf in a paffion. 
 
 # CHAP, xxxviir. 
 
 O Slawkenbergius ! thou faithful analyzer 
 of my Difgrazias, — thou fad foreteller of fo many 
 of the whips and fiiort turns which in one fiage or 
 other of my life have come flap upon me from the 
 fhortnels of my nole, and no other caufe, that I 
 am confcious of, — tell me, Slawkenbergius ! what 
 
 fecret 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 273. 
 
 fecret impulfe was it? what intonation of voice? 
 whence came it ? how did it found in thy ears ? — • 
 art thou fure thou heardTt it ? — which firft cried 
 out to thee, — Go, — Slawkenbergius ! dedicate the 
 labours of thy life, — negle6t thy paftimes, — call 
 forth all the powers and faculties of thy nature, — 
 macerate thyfelf in the fervice of mankind, and 
 write a grand folio for them, upon the fubje6t of 
 their nofes. 
 
 How the communication was conveyed into 
 Slawkenbergius's fenforium,— fo that Slawken- 
 bergius fhould know whofe finger touch'd the key, 
 — and whofe hand it was that blew the bellows, — ■ 
 as Hafen Slawkenbergius has been dead and laid 
 in his grave above fourfcore and ten years, — we 
 can only raife conjefilures. 
 
 Slawkenbergius was play'd upon, for aught I 
 know, like one of Whitefield's difciples : — that is, 
 with fuch a diftinO: intelligence. Sir, of which of 
 the tw^o mafters it was that had been pra6tifing 
 upon his inftrument^ — as to make all reafoning 
 upon it needlefs. 
 
 For in the account which Hafen Slaw- 
 kenbergius gives the world of his motives and 
 occafions for writing, and fpending fo many years 
 of his life upon this one work, — towards the end 
 of his prolegomena; which, by the bye, ftiould 
 have come firft, — but the bookbinder has moft 
 injudicioufly placed it betwixt the analytical con- 
 tents of the book and the book itfelf, — he informs 
 his reader. That ever fince he had arrived at the 
 age of difcernment^ and was able tg fit down 
 
 VOL. I, T coolly, 
 
374 THS LIFE AJ^B OPmOKS 
 
 coolly, and confider within himfelf the true fiate 
 and condition of man, — and diftinguifti the main 
 end and defign of his being ; — or, — to ftiorten my 
 tranflation, for Slawkenbergius's book is in Latin, 
 and not a little prolix in this paflTage; — ever fmce 
 I underftood, quoth Slawkenbergius, any thing, — 
 or rather what was what^ — -and could perceive 
 that the point of long nofes had been too loofely 
 handled by all who had gone before, — have I 
 Slawkenbergius, felt a ftrong impulfe, with a 
 mighty and unrefiftible call within me, to gird up 
 myfelf to this undertaking. 
 
 And to do juftice to Slawkenbergius, he has 
 entered the lift with a ftronger lance, and taken 
 a much larger career in it, than any one man 
 w^ho had ever entered it before him; — and in- 
 deed, in many refpefts, deferves to be en-nicKd 
 as a prototype for all writers of voluminous works 
 at leaft, to model their books by — for he has 
 taken in. Sir, the whole fubje£l,— examined every 
 part of it di ale £lic ally y — then brought it into 
 full day ; dilucidating it with all the light which 
 either the coUifion of his own natural parts could 
 ftrike,^ — or the profoundeft knowledge of the 
 Iciences had impowered him to caft upon it ; col« 
 lating, colle6ling, and compiling; — begging, bor- 
 rowing, and ftealing, as he went along, all that | 
 tiad been wrote or w rangled thereupon in the 
 fchools and porticos of the learned ; fo that Slaw^- 
 kenbergius his book may properly be confidered, 
 not only as a model, — but as a thorough-ftitched 
 DIGEST and regular inftitute of nofes, compre- 
 hending 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. ^^f" 
 
 hending in it all that is or can be needful to be 
 known about them. 
 
 For this caule it is that I forbear to fpeak of fo 
 many (otherwife) valuable books and treatiles of 
 my fathers collecting, wrote either plump upon 
 nofeSj — or collaterally touching them; — fuch for 
 inftance as Prignitz, now lying upon the table be-^ 
 fore me, who with infinite learning, and from the 
 moft candid and fcholar-like examination of above 
 four thoufand different fkulls, in upwards of twenty 
 charnel-houfes in Silefia, which he had rummaged^ 
 —has informed us, that the menfuration and con- 
 figuration of the ofTeous or bony parts of human 
 nofes, in any given tra6l of country, except Crim 
 Tartary, where they are all crufti'd down by the 
 thumb, fo that no judgment can be formed upon 
 them, — -are much nearer alike than the world 
 imagines ; — the diflterence amongft them being, he 
 fays, a mere trifle, not worth taking notice of; — but 
 that the fize and jollity of every individual nofe, 
 and by which one nofe ranks above another, and 
 bears a higher price, is owing to the cartilaginous 
 and mufcular parts of it, into whofe duels and finufes 
 the blood and animal fpirits being impelfd and 
 driven by the wamth and force of the imagination, 
 which is but a ftep from it (bating the cafe of idiots, 
 whom Prignitz, who had lived many years in 
 Turkey, fuppoles under the more immediate tutelage 
 of Heaven) — ^it fo happens, and ever muft, fays 
 Prignitz, that the excellency of the nofe is in a 
 direct arithmetical proportion to the excellency of 
 the wearer s fancy, 
 
 T 2 If 
 
276 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 It is for the fame reafon ; that is, becaufe 'tis all 
 comprehended in Slawkenbergius, that I fay nothing 
 likewife of Scroderus (Andrea) who, all the world 
 knows, fet himfelf to oppugn Prignitz with great 
 violence ; — proving it in his own way, firft logically, 
 and then by a feries of ftubborn fafts, That fo 
 far was Prignitz from the truth, in affirming that the 
 fancy begat the nofe, that, on the contrary, — the 
 nofe begat the fancy." 
 
 — The learned liilpefted Scroderus of an indecent 
 fophifm in this; — ^and Prignitz cried out aloud in 
 the difpute, that Scroderus had ftiifted the idea 
 upon him ; — but Scroderus went on maintaining his 
 thefis. 
 
 My father was juft balancing within himfelf, 
 which of the two fides he Ihould take in this affair; 
 when Ambrofe Paraeus decided it in a moment, 
 and, by overthrowing the lyftems, both of Prignitz 
 and Scroderus, drove my father out of both fides 
 of the controverfy at once. 
 
 Be wdtnefs,-^ 
 
 I don't acquaint the learned reader — in faying it^ 
 —I mention it only to fhevv the learned^ I know 
 the faft myfelf, 
 
 That this Ambrofe Pareeus was chief furgeoii 
 and nofe-mender to Francis the Ninth of France ; 
 and in high credit with him and the two pre- 
 ceding, or fucceeding kings (I know not which) 
 — and that, except in the flip he made in his ftory 
 of Taliacotius's nofes, and his manner of fetting 
 them on, — he was efteemed by the whole college 
 of phyficians at that time^ as more knowing in 
 
 matters 
 
OF TRISTRAM SPIANDY. 277 
 
 Bnatters of iioles^, than any one who had ever taken 
 them in hand. 
 
 Now, Ambrofe Paraeus convinced my father, 
 that the true and efficient caufe of what had en- 
 gaged 10 much the attention of the world, and upon 
 which Prio;nitz and Scroderus had wafted fo much 
 learning and fine parts, — was neither this nor that i 
 ' — but that the length and goodnefs of the nofe was 
 owing fimply to the foftnefs and flaccidity in the 
 nurfe s breaft, — as the fiatnefs and ihortnefs oi pui/ne 
 nofes was to the firmnefs and elaftic repulfioo of 
 the fame organ of nutrition in the hale and lively ; 
 — which, tho' happy for the woman, was the un- 
 doing of the child, inafmuch as his nofe was fo 
 fnubb'd, fo rebuffed, fo rebated, and fo refrigerated 
 thereby, as never to arrive ad menjuramjuam legiti^ 
 mam ;~but that in cafe of flaccidity and foftnels 
 of the nurfe or mother s breaft — by finking into it^ 
 quoth Paragus, as into fo much butter, the nofe was 
 comforted, nourifn'd, plump'd up, refrefh'd; refocil- 
 lated, and fet a growing for ever. 
 
 I have but two things to obferve of Paraeus ; firft^ 
 That he proves and explains all this with the utmoft 
 chaftity and decorum of expreffion : — for which, 
 may his foul tor ever reft in peace ! 
 
 And, fecondly, That befides the fyftems of 
 Prignitz and Scroderus, which Ambrofe Parseiis his 
 hypothefis efFeclually overthrew, — it overthrew at 
 the fame time the fyftem of peace and harmony 
 of our family ; and for three days together, not 
 only embroiled matters between my father and mv 
 mother, but turn'd likewife the whole houfe an^ 
 
 ? 3 ev.erv 
 
278 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 every thing in it, except my uncle Toby, quite 
 upfide down. 
 
 Such a ridiculous tale of a difpute between a 
 man and his wife, never furely in any age or 
 country, got vent through the key-hole of a ftreet- 
 door. 
 
 My mother, you muft know, but I have 
 
 fifty things more neceffary to let you know firft 
 I have a hundred difficulties which I have pro- 
 mifed to clear up, and a thoufand diftreffes and 
 domeftic mifad ventures crowding in upon me thick 
 and threefold, one upon the neck of another. A 
 cow broke in (to-morrow morning) to my uncle 
 Toby's fortifications, and eat up two rations and 
 a half of dried grafs, tearing up the fods with it 
 
 which faced his horn-work and covered way. 
 
 Trim infifts upon being tried by a court-martial, — 
 the cow to be fliot, — Slop to be crucijixd^ — myfelf 
 to be trijlranid^ and at my very baptifm made a 
 martyr of ; — poor unhappy Devils that we all are ! 
 — I want fwaddling; — but there is no time to be 
 lofl: in exclamations, ^ — I have left my father lying 
 acrofs his bed, and uncle Toby in his old fringed 
 chair, fitting befide him, and promifed I would go 
 back to them in half an hour ; and five-and-thirty 
 minutes are laps'd already. Of all the per- 
 plexities a mortal author was ever feen in, — this 
 certainly is the greateft ; for I have Hafen Slaw- 
 kenbergius's folio, Sir, to finifli ; — a dialogue be- 
 tween my father and my uncle Toby, upon the 
 folution of Prignitz, Scroderus, Ambrofe Parasus, 
 Panocrates, and Grangoufierto relate; — a taie out 
 11 of 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 279 
 
 of Slawkenbergius to tranflate; — and all this in 
 five minutes lefs than no time at all. — Such a 
 head ! — would to Heaven my enemies only &lw the 
 infide of it. 
 
 CHAP. XXXIX. 
 
 THERE was not any one fcene more enter- 
 taining in our family; — and to do it juftice in this 
 point, — I here put off my cap and lay it upon the 
 table, clofe befide my ink-horn^, on purpofe to make 
 my declaration to the world concerning this one 
 article the more folemn,— That I believe, in my 
 foul (unlefs my love and partiality to my under- 
 itanding blinds me) the hand -of the Supreme 
 Maker and Firft Defigner of all things, never made 
 or put a family together (in that period at leaft of it 
 which I have fat down to write the ftory of)— 
 where the charafters of it were caft or contrafted 
 with fo dramatic a felicity as ours was, for this end; 
 or in which the capacities of affording fuch exquifite 
 fcenes, and the powers of fl^iifting them perpetually 
 from morning to night, were lodged and entrufted 
 with fo unlimited a confidence, as in the Shandy 
 Family. 
 
 Not any me of thefe was more diverting, I fay, 
 in this whimfical theatre of ours, — than what fre- 
 quently arofe out of this feif-fame chapter of long 
 nofes, — efpecially when my father's imagination 
 W'as heated with the enquiry, and notliing would 
 ferve him but to heat my uncle Toby's too. 
 
 T4 ^ My 
 
380 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 My uncle Toby would give my father all poffible 
 fair play in this attempt; and with infinite patience 
 would fit linoking his pipe for whole hours together, 
 whilft my father was pra6lifing upon his head, and 
 trying every acceffible avenue to drive Prignitz and 
 Scroderus's folutions into it. 
 
 Whether they were above my uncle Toby's rea- 
 fon, — or contrary to it, — or that his brain was like 
 damp tinder, and no fpark could poffibly take hold ; 
 or that it was fo full of faps, mines, blinds, curtains, 
 and fuch military difqualifications to his feeing 
 clearly into Prignitz and Scroderus's doctrines,— 
 I fay not ; — ^let fchoolmen, — fcuUions, — anatomifts, 
 and engineers, fight for it among themfelves. 
 
 'Twas fome misfortune, I make no doubt, in this 
 affair, that my father had every word of it to tranflate 
 for the benefit of my uncle Toby, and render out of 
 Slawkenbergius's Latin, of which, as he was no great 
 mafter, his tranflation ^vas not always of the pureft, 
 •—and generally leaft fo where 'twas moft wanted. — 
 This naturally open'd a door to a fecond misfortune; 
 — that in the warmer paroxyiins of his zeal to open 
 my uncle Toby's eyes, — my father's ideas ran on 
 as much fafter than the tranflation, as the tranfla- 
 tion outmoved my uncle Toby's : — neither the 
 one or the other added much to the perfpicuity of 
 my father s lecture. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 281 
 
 C H A P. XL. 
 
 THE gift of ratiocination and making fyjlogifins^ 
 —I mean in man,— for in fuperior claffes of being, 
 fuch as angels and fpirits, — 'tis all done, may it 
 pleafe your Worfliips, as they tell me, by intui- 
 tion ; — and beings inferior, as your Worihips all 
 know, — fyllogize by their nofe : though there is an 
 illand fwimming in the fea (though not altogether 
 at its eafe) whofe inhabitants, if my intelligence 
 deceives me not, are fo wonderfully gifted, as to fyllo- 
 gize after the fame fafliion,. and oft-times to make 
 very well out too : — —but that s neither here nor 
 there : — 
 
 The gift of doing it as it fhould be, amongft us, 
 or, the great and principal aft of ratiocination in 
 man, as logicians tell us, is the finding out the 
 agreement or difagreement of two ideas one with 
 another, by the intervention of a third (called the 
 medius terminus) ; juft as a man, as Locke well 
 obferves, by a yard, finds two mens nine-pin-alleys 
 to be. of the fame length, which could not be 
 brought together, to meafure their equality, hyjuxta- 
 pofition. 
 
 Had the fame great reafoner looked on, as my 
 father illuftrated his fyftems of nofes, and oblerved 
 my uncle Toby's deportment, — what great atten- 
 tion he gave to every word ; — and as oft as he took 
 his pipe from his mouth, with what wonderful feri- 
 oufnefs he contemplated the length of it! — -furveying 
 It tranfverfely as he held it betwixt his finger and 
 
 his 
 
282 THE LIFE AND OpINIGXS 
 
 Ms thumb; — then foreright, — then this way, and 
 then that, in all its poffible directions and fore- 
 fliortenings,— he would have concluded my uncle 
 Toby had got hold of the medius terminus^ and was 
 fyllogizing and meafuring with it the truth of each 
 hypothecs of long nofes, in order, as my father laid 
 them before him. This, by the bye, was more than 
 my father wanted: — his aim in all the pains he 
 was at in thefe philofophic leCtures,^ — ^was to en- 
 able my uncle Toby not to difcufs but comprehend ; 
 —to hold the grains and fcruples of learning, not 
 to weigh them. — My uncle Toby, as you will read 
 in the next chapter, did neither the one or the 
 other. 
 
 CHAP. XLI. 
 
 TIS a pity, cried my father, one winter s nighty 
 after a three hours painful tranflation of Slawken- 
 l>ergius, — 'tis a pity, cried my father, putting my 
 mother s thread-paper into the book for a mark as 
 he fpoke, — that Truth, brother Toby, ftiould fhut 
 herfelf up in fuch impregnable faftnefles, and be fo 
 obftinate as not to furrender herfelf up fometimes 
 upon the clofeft fiege. — • 
 
 Now it happened then, as indeed it had often 
 done before, that my uncle Toby's fancy, during 
 the time of my father's explanation of Prignitz to 
 him, — having nothing to ftay it there, had taken a 
 fhort flight to the bowling-green : — his body might 
 as well have taken a turn there too j — fo that with 
 
 all 
 
OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 283 
 
 ail the femblance of a deep Ichoolman intent upon 
 the medius terminus^ — my uncle Toby was in fa6t 
 as ignorant of the whole lefture, and all, its pros 
 and con's, as if my father had been tranflating 
 Hafen Slawkenbergius from the Latin tongue into 
 the Cherokee. But the w^ord fiege, like a talilhianic 
 power, in my father's metaphor, wafting back my 
 uncle Toby's fancy, quick as a note could follow 
 the touch,— he open'd his ears; — and my father 
 obferving that he took his pipe out of his mouth, 
 and fliuffled his chair nearer the table, as with a 
 defire to profit, — my father with great pleafure 
 began his fentence again, — changing only the plan, 
 and dropping the metaphor of the fiege in it, to 
 keep clear of fome dangers my father apprehended 
 from it. 
 
 Tis a pity, faid my father, that truth can only 
 be on one fide, brother Toby,— confidering what in- 
 genuity thefe learned men have all fhewn in their 
 folutions of nofes. C^n nofes be diffolved ? re- 
 plied my uncle Toby. 
 
 - — My father thruft back his chair,- — rofe up, — 
 put on his hat, — took four long ftrides to the door, 
 — ^jerked it open,— thruft his head half way out, 
 *— Ihut the door again, — took no notice of the 
 bad hinge,— returned to the table , — pluck'd my 
 mother's thread-paper out of Slaw^kenbergius s 
 book, — went haftily to his bureau, — walked (lowly 
 back,— twifted my mother's thread-paper about his 
 thumb, — unbutton'd his waiftcoat, — threw my 
 mother's thread-paper into the lire, — bit her fatin 
 pin-cufliion in two^^ — fiU'd his mouth witli bran, — 
 
 confounded 
 
2S4 THE LIFE AND OPINIOlSr* 
 
 confounded it: — but mark ! — the oath of confufion 
 was leveird at my uncle Toby's bram, — which 
 was e'en confufed enough ah^eady ; — the curfe came 
 charged only with the bran ; — the bran, may it 
 pleafe your Honours, was no more than powder to 
 the ball. 
 
 'Twas well my father s paffions lafted not long ; 
 for fo long as they did laft, they led him a buly life 
 on't ; and it is one of the moft unaccountable pro- 
 blems that ever I met with in my obfervations of 
 human nature, that nothing fliould prove my 
 father's mettle fo much, or make his paffions go off 
 fo like gun-powder, as the unexpeCled ftrokes his 
 fcience met with from the quaint fimplicity of my 
 
 uncle Toby's queftions.- Had ten dozen of 
 
 hornets ftung him behind in fo many different places 
 all at one time, — he could not have exerted more 
 mechanical fun6lions in fewer feconds, — or ftarted 
 half fo much, as with one fingle quaere of three words 
 unfeafonably popping in full upon him in his hobby 
 jhorlical career. 
 
 'Twas all one to my uncle Toby ; — he imoked 
 feis pipe on with unvaried compofure ; — his heart 
 never intended offence to his brother ; — and as his 
 head could feldom find out where the fting of it 
 iay, — he always gave my father the credit of cool- 
 ing by himfelf He was five minutes and thirty- 
 five feconds about it in the prefent cafe. 
 
 By all that s good ! faid my father, fwearing, as 
 he came to himfelf, and taking the oath out of 
 Ernulphus's digeft of curfes — (though, to do my 
 lather juftice^ it was a fault, as he told Dr. Slop ia 
 
 the 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 28^ 
 
 the affair of Ernulphus, which he as felclom coir^ 
 
 mitted as any man upon earth) By ail that's 
 
 good and great ! brother Toby, faid my father, if 
 it was not for the aids of .philofophy, v/hich befriend 
 one fo much as they do, — you would put a man 
 befide all temper. — Why, by the Jolutions of nofes, 
 of which I was telling you, I meant, as you might 
 have known, had you favoured me with one grain 
 of attention, the various accounts, which learned 
 men of different kinds of knowledge have given the 
 
 world of the caufes of fhort and long noles. 
 
 There is no caufe but one, replied my uncle Toby, 
 — why one man's nofe is longer than another's, but 
 
 becaufe that God pleaies to have it fo. That is 
 
 Grangoufier s Iblution, faid my father. Tis he, 
 
 continued my uncle Toby, looking up, and not re- 
 garding my father s interruption, who makes us all, 
 and frames and puts us together in fuch forms and 
 proportions, and for fuch ends, as is agreeable to 
 
 his infinite wifdom. 'Tis a pious account cried, 
 
 my father, but not philofophical; — there is more 
 religion in it than found fcience. 'Twas no incQn- 
 flilent part of my uncle Toby's character — that he 
 feared God, and reverenced religion. — So the mo- 
 ment my father finiflied his remark, — my uncle 
 fell a whiftling Lillabullero with more zeal (though 
 more out of tune) than ufual. — 
 
 What is become of my wife's thread-paper? 
 
2S6 
 
 THE LIFE AND OVINIO^S 
 
 CHAP. XLII. 
 
 NO matter; — as an appendage to feamftrefly, 
 the thread-paper might be of fome confequence to 
 my mother; — of none to my father as a mark in 
 Siawkenbergius. — Slawkenbergius, in every page 
 of him^ was a rich treafure of inexhauftible know- 
 ledge to my father; — he could not open him amifs ; 
 and he would often fay in clofing the book, That 
 if all the arts and fciences in the world, with the 
 books which treated of them, were loft, — fliould 
 the wifdom and policies of governments, he would 
 lay, through difufe, ever hap{>en to be forgot ; and 
 all that ftatelmen had wrote or caufed to be written, 
 upon the ftrong or the weak fides of courts and king- 
 doms, fhould they be forgot alfo, — and Siawken- 
 bergius only left, — there would be enough in him 
 in all confcience, he would fay, to fet the world 
 a-going again. A treafure, therefore, was he in- 
 deed ! an inftitute of all that was neceifary to be 
 known of nofes, and every thing elfe : — at matin, 
 noon, and vefpers was Hafen Siawkenbergius his 
 recreation and delight : 'twas for ever in his hands * 
 —you would have fworn. Sir, it had been a canon's 
 prayer-book; — fo worn, fo glazed, fo contrited 
 and attrited was it with fingers and with thumbs 
 in all its parts, from one end even unto the other. 
 
 I am not fuch a bigot to Siawkenbergius as my 
 
 father : there is a fund in him, no doubt : but, 
 
 in my opinion, the beft, I don't fay the moft pro- 
 fitable, but the moft amufing part of Hafen Slaw^- 
 
 kenbei^gius^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 287 
 
 kenbergius, is his Tales; — and, confidering he was 
 a German, many of them told not without fancy. — 
 Thefe take up his fecond book, containing nearly 
 one half of his folio, and are comprehended in ten 
 decades; each decade containing ten tales. — > 
 Philofophy is not built upon tales; and therefore 
 'twas certainly wrong in Slawkenbergius to fend 
 them into the world by that name ! — there are a few 
 of them in his eighth, ninth, and tenth decades, 
 which, I own, feem rather playful and fportive than 
 fpeculative ; — but, in general, they are to be looked 
 upon by the learned as a detail of fo many inde- 
 pendent fafts, all of them turning round5 fomehow 
 or other, upon the main hinges of his fubje6l, and 
 coUefted by him with great fidelity, and added 
 to his work as fo many illuitrations upon the doc- 
 trines of nofes. 
 
 As we have leifure enough upon our hands, — 
 if you give me leave, Madam, 111 tell you the ninth 
 tale of his tenth decade. 
 
THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 iVlullitudinrs iiiiperitae non formido jndicia, ineis tamen, rogo, parcant 
 opusculis— in quibas fuit propositi seiuptr, a jocis ad seria, in seriis 
 vicissini ad jocos transire. jo,\\. SAr?FSBERiENSis, 
 
 Episcopus Lugdun. 
 
 YOL. IV. ORIG, EDIT. 
 
[ 289 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 Miiltitudinis imperitae non formido jndicia, meis tamen, rogo, 
 parcant opufcalis — in quibiis fuit propofiti femper, a jocis 
 ad feiia^ in feriis viciffim ad jocos tranfire. 
 
 Joan. Sare;sberiensis, 
 Epifcopus Liigdun, 
 
 VOL. IV, ORIG. EDIT, 
 
 ¥0L. U 
 
 V 
 
[ 290 ] 
 
 4- 
 
 SLAWKENBERGII FABELLA^ 
 
 VESPERA quadam frigidula, pofteriori in parte 
 menfis Augufti, peregrinus^ mulo fufco colore 
 incidens, mantica a tergo, paucis indufiis^ binis 
 calceis^ braccifque fericis coccineis repleta, Argen- 
 toratum ingrelfus eft. 
 
 Militi eum percontanti, quum portus intrar© 
 dixit, fe apud Naforum promontorium fuilfe Fran- 
 cofurtum proficifci, et Argentoratum, tranfitu ad 
 fines Sarmatias menfis intervallo, reverfurum. 
 
 Miles peregrini in faciem fufpexit : — — Di boni, 
 nova forma nafi ! 
 
 At 
 
 * As Hafen Slawkenbergius de Nafis is extremely fcarce, 
 it may not be unacceptable to the learned reader to fee 
 the fpecimen of a few pages of his original : I will make 
 1 no 
 
[ 291 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gent. 
 
 SLAWKENBERGIUS'S TALE. 
 
 IT was one cool refrefliing evening, at the clofe 
 of a very fultry day, in the latter end of the 
 month of Auguft, when a ftranger, mounted upon 
 a dark mule, with a fmall cloak-bag behind him, 
 containing a few fliirts, a pair of fhoes, and a 
 crimfon-fatin pair of breeches, entered the town 
 of Stralburg. 
 
 He told the fentinel, who queftioned him as 
 he entered the gates, that he had been at the 
 Promontory of Nofes- — was going on to Frank- 
 fort and fliould be back again at Stralburg 
 
 that day month, in his way to the borders of Crim 
 Tartary. 
 
 The lentinel looked up into the ftranger's face : 
 — — he never faw fuch a Nofe in his life ! 
 
 ' — I have 
 
 no refledion upon it, but that his flory-telling Latin is much 
 more concife than his pliilofophic — and, I think, has more 
 of Latinity in it. 
 
 U 2 
 
292 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 At multum mihi profuit, inquit peregrinuSj 
 carpuin amento extrahens, e quo pependit aci- 
 naces: Loculo maniiin inferuit; et magna cum 
 urbanitate, pilei parte j^nteriore tafta manu 
 finiftra, ut extendit dcxtram, militi florinum dedit 
 et proceffit. 
 
 Dolet milii, ait miles, tympaniftam nanum et 
 valgum alloquens, virum adeo urbanum vaginam 
 perdidide : itinerari baud poterit nuda acinaci ; 
 neque vaginam toto Argentorato, habilem inve- 
 
 niet NuUam unquam babui, refpondit pe- 
 
 regrinus refpiciens feque comiter inclinans — 
 
 hoc more gefto, nudarn acinacem elevans, mulo 
 lent^ progredientCj ut nafum tueri poffim 
 
 Non immerito, benigne peregrine, refpondit 
 miles. 
 
 Nihili cHeftimo, ait ille tympanifta, h perga- 
 mena ia6titius eft. 
 
 Prout chriftianus fum, inquit miles, nafus illCj 
 ni fexties major fit, meo elTet conformis. 
 
 Crepitare audivi ait tympanifta. 
 Mchercule ! fanguinem emifit, refpondit miles. 
 . Miferet me, inquit tympanifta, qui non ambo 
 tetigimus ! 
 
 Eodem temporis pun6lo^ quo hsec res argu- 
 
 mentata 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 293 
 
 —I have made a very good venture of it, quoth 
 the ftranger; — fo flipping his wrift out of the 
 loop of a black ribbon, to which a fliort fcymetar 
 was hung, he put his hand into bis pocket, and 
 with great courtefy touching the fore-part of his 
 cap with his left hand, as he extended his right — 
 he put a florin into the fentinei 's hand, and pafled 
 on. 
 
 It grieves me, faid the fentinei, fpeaking to a 
 little dwarfifli bandy-legg d drummer, that fo cour- 
 teous a foul fhould have loft his fcabbard — he 
 cannot travel without one to his icyrnetar; and will 
 not be able to get a fcabbard to fit it in all Straf- 
 
 burg. 1 never had one replied the ftranger, 
 
 looking back to the fentinei, and putting his hand 
 up to his cap as he fpoke. — I carry it, continued 
 he, thus: — holding up his naked fcymetar, his 
 mule moving on flowly all the time, — on purpofe 
 to defend my nofe. 
 
 It is well worth it, gentle ftranger, replied the 
 fentinei. 
 
 'Tis not worth a fingle Itiver, faid the 
 
 bandy-legg d drummer : — —'tis a nofe of parch- 
 ment. 
 
 As I am a true Catholic, — except that it is fix 
 times as big,— 'tis a nofe, faid She fentinei, like 
 my own. 
 
 — I heard it crackle, faid the drummer. 
 By Dunder, faid the fentinei, I faw it bleed. 
 What a pity, cried the bandy-legg'd di ammer, 
 we did not both touch it! 
 
 At the very time that this dilpute w^as main- 
 
 u 3 gaining 
 
294 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 nientata fiiit inter militem et tympaniftam, dif- 
 ceptabatur ibidem tubicine et uxore Iba qui 
 tunc accefferunt, et peregrine praetereunte, refti- 
 terunt. 
 
 Quantus nafus ! aequo longus eft, ait tubicina, 
 ac tuba. 
 
 Et ex eodem metallo, ait tubicen, velut fternu- 
 tamento audias. 
 
 Tantum abeft, refpondit ilia, quod fiftulam 
 dulcedinc vincit. 
 
 jEneus eft, ait tubicen. 
 
 Nequaquam, refpondit uxor. 
 
 Burfum affirmo, ait tubicen, quod aeneus eft. 
 
 Rem penitus explorabo ; prius, enim digito tan- 
 gam, ait uxor, quam dormivero. 
 
 Mulus peregrini gradu lento progre{rus eft, ut 
 unumquodque verbum controverfi^e, non tantum 
 inter militem et tympaniftam, verum etiam inter 
 tubicinem et uxorem ejus, audiret. 
 
 Nequaquam, ait ille, in muli collum fr^na de- 
 mittens, et manibus ambabus in peftus pofitis 
 (mulo lente progrediente) nequaquam ait ille re- 
 fpiciens, non necelTe eft ut res ifthaec dilucidata 
 foret. Minime gentium! mens nafus nunquam 
 tangetur, dum fpiritus hos reget artus — Ad quid 
 agendum ? ait uxor burgomagiftri. 
 
 Peregrinus illi non refpondit Votum faciebat 
 
 tunc 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 2q5 
 
 taining by the fentinel and the drummer, — was 
 the fame point debating betwixt a trumpeter and a 
 trumpeter's wife, who were juft then coming up, 
 and had flopped to fee the ftranger pafs by. 
 
 Benedicity ! What a nofe! 'tis as long, faid 
 
 the trumpeter s wife, as a trumpet. 
 
 And of the fame metal, faid the trumpeter, as 
 you hear by its fneezing. 
 
 'Tis as foft as a flute, faid flie. 
 
 ■ — 'Tis brafs, faid the trumpeter. 
 — 'Tis a pudding s end, laid his wife. 
 I tell thee again, faid the trumpeter, 'tis a brazen 
 nofe. 
 
 Ill know the bottom of ijt faid the trumpeter's 
 wife, for I will touch it with my finger before I 
 fleep. 
 
 The ftranger s mule moved on at fo flow a rate 
 that he heard every word of the difpute, not only 
 betwixt the fentinel and the drummer, but betwixt 
 the trumpeter and the trumpeter's wife. 
 
 No! faid he, dropping his reins upon his mule's 
 neck, and laying both his hands upon his breaft, 
 the one over the other in a faint-like pofition (his 
 mule going on eafily all the time) No! faid he, 
 looking up, — I am not fuch a debtor to the world, 
 • — flandered and difappointed as I have been, — 
 
 as to give it that convi6lion : no! faid he, my 
 
 nofe fliall never be touched whilfl Heaven gives me 
 
 ftrength -To do what ? faid a burgomafter's 
 
 wife. 
 
 The ftranger took no notice of the burgomafter's 
 U4 wife;— 
 
^g6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tunc temporis Sanfilo Nicolao ; quo fafto, in finum 
 dextrum inferens, e qua negligenter pependit 
 acinaces, lento grada proceffit per plateam Argen- 
 torati latdin quee ad diverforium templo ex adverfum 
 ducit. 
 
 Pere2!rinus mulo defcendens ftabulo includi, et 
 manticain infeni juffit: qua aperta et coccineis 
 fericis femoraiibus extraftis cum argento laciniato 
 Ilspi^oiJ.oi'^r\ his ieih induit, flatimque, acinaci in 
 manu^ ad torum deambulavit. 
 
 Quod ubi peregrinus eflet ingreffuSj uxorem 
 tubicinis obviam euntern afpicit; iilicocurfam flefititj 
 metiiens ne nallis fuus explcraretur, atque addiver- 
 forium regreffus eit — exuit fe veftibus; braccas 
 coccineas lericas manticae inipoluit mulumque educi 
 juffit. 
 
 Ff^ncofurtum proficifcor, ait ille, et Argento- 
 ratum ({uataor abhinc hebdomadis revertar. 
 
 Bene curafti hoc jumentum? (ait) muli faciem 
 mann doniulcens — me, manticamque meam, plus 
 fexcentis milie paffibus portavit. 
 
 Longer 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAN BY. 2f)J 
 
 wife ; — lie was making a vow to Saint Nicliolas ; 
 which done, having uncroilLd l>is amis ^viih the 
 feme folemnity ^^ilh which he croflcd them, he took 
 up the reins ot his bndle with iiis lett hand, and 
 putting iiis rigiit hand into his bolbm, with tlie Icy- 
 metar hanging looicly to the wrift of it, he rode on^ 
 as flowly as one foot of the male could foliow an- 
 other, through the principal ftreets of Strulb^jrg, till 
 chance brought him to tlie great inn in the nrarket- 
 place, over- againit the church. 
 
 The moment the ftranger alighted, he ordered 
 his mule to be led into the ftabie, and his cloak- 
 bag to be brought in; then opening, and taking 
 out of it his crimfon-fatin breeches, with a fiiver- 
 fringed — (appendage to them, wiiich I dare not 
 tranilate) — he put iiis breeclies, with his fringed 
 cod- piece on, and forthwith, witli his fliort fcy~ 
 metar in his hand^ walked out to the grand 
 parade. 
 
 The ftranger had juft taken three turns upon the 
 parade, when he perceived the trumpeter s wife at 
 the oppofite fide of it ; — fo turning Ihort, in pain 
 left his nofe fhouid be attempted, he inftantly went 
 back to his inn,— undreifed himfeif, packed up his 
 crimion-fcitin breeches, ccc. in his cloak-bag, and 
 called for his mule. 
 
 I am going forwards, faid the ftranger, for 
 IVankfort— and (hall be back at Stralbur^; this dav 
 month. 
 
 I hope, continued the ftranger, ftroking down tlie 
 face of his mule with his left hand as he was going 
 to mount it, that vou have been kind to this faith- 
 
 lui 
 
298 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Longa via eft ! refpondit hofpes, nifi plurimum 
 eiiet negotii. — Enimvero, aitperegrinus, a Naforum 
 promontorio redivi, et nafum fpeciofiffimum, egre- 
 giofiffimumque quern unquam quilquam fortitus 
 eft, acquifivi. 
 
 Dum peregrinus banc miram rationem de fe- 
 ipfo reddit, hofpes et uxor ejus, oculis intentis, 
 
 peregrini nafum contemplantur Per fanftos 
 
 fanftafque omnes, ait hofpitis uxor, nafis duodecim 
 maximis in toto Argentorato major eft ! — eft ne, ait 
 ilia mariti in aurem infufurrans, nonne eft nafus 
 preegrandis ? 
 
 Dolus ineft, anime mi, ait hofpes — nafus eft 
 falfus. 
 
 Verus eft, refpondit uxor. 
 Ex abiete fafilus eft, ait ille, terebinthinum 
 olet. — 
 
 Carbunculus ineft, ait uxor. 
 Mortuus eft nafus, refpondit hofpes. 
 Vivus eft ait ilia, — et fi ipfa vivam, tangan^, 
 
 Votum feci San6to Nicholao, ait peregrinus, 
 nafum meum intactum fore ufque ad — Quodnam 
 tempus ? illico refpondit ilia. 
 
 Minimi tangetur, inquit ille (manibus in pe6lus 
 
 compolitis) ufque ad illam horam. Quam 
 
 horam ? 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 299 
 
 ful flave of mine : — -it has carried me and my 
 cloak-bag, continued he, tapping the mule s back^ 
 above fix hundred leagues. 
 
 'Tis a long journey, Sir, replied the mafi:er 
 
 of the inn, — unlefs a man has great bufinefs. ^ 
 
 Tut I tut! faid the ftranger, I have been at the 
 Promontory of Nofes ; and have got me one of 
 the goodlieft and joUieft, thank Heaven, that ever 
 fell to a fingle man's lot. 
 
 Whilft the ftranger was giving this odd account 
 of himfelf, the mafter of the inn and his wife kept 
 both their eyes fixed full upon the ftranger's nofe. 
 
 By Saint Radagunda, faid the inn-keepers 
 
 wife to herfelf, there is more of it than in any dozen 
 of the largeft nofes put together in all Strafburg! 
 Is it not, faid fhe, whifpering her huiband in his ear, 
 is it not a noble nofe ? 
 
 'Tis an impofture, my dear, faid the mafter of 
 the inn ; — 'tis a falfe nofe. 
 
 'Tis a true nofe, faid his wife. 
 
 'Tis made of fir-tree, faid he ; I fmell the tur- 
 pentine. — 
 
 There's a pimple on it, laid fhe. 
 
 Tis a dead nofe, replied the inn-keeper. 
 
 'Tis a live nofe ; and if I am alive myfelf, faid 
 the inn-keeper's wife, I will touch it. 
 
 I have made a vow to St. Nicholas this day, 
 faid the ftranger, that my nofe fliall not be touched 
 
 till Here the ftranger, fnfpending his voice, 
 
 looked up.- Till when? iaid fhe haftily. 
 
 It never fiiail be touched, faid he, clafping his 
 hands and bringing them clofe to his breaft, till 
 
 that 
 
^^,00 THE LIFE AND OPINIOiS^S 
 
 horam ? ait ilia Nullam, refpondit peregrinus, 
 
 donee pervenio ad— Qucm locum^ — oblecro ? ait 
 
 ilia Peregrinus nil refpondens mulo confcenfo 
 
 difceffiL 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 3OI 
 
 tli'dt hour What hour? cried the inn-keepers 
 
 wife.' 'Never! — never I faid the itrangcr, never 
 
 till I am got For Heaven's lake^ into what 
 
 place ? laid Ihe The ftranger rode away ^vith- 
 
 out faying a word. 
 
 The ftranger had not got half a league on his way 
 towards Frankfort, before all tlic city of Strafourg 
 was in an uproar about his nofe. The Compline 
 bells were juft ringing, to call the S trail) urgers to 
 their devotions, and fliut up the duties of the day 
 in prayer :— no fijul in all Stralburg heard em, — 
 the city was like a Avarm of bees, — nieo, women, 
 and children, (the Compline bells tinkling all the 
 time) flying here and there, — in at one door and 
 out at another, — this w^ay and that w ay, — long 
 w^ays and crofs w ays, — up one ftreet, down another 
 ftreet, — in at this alley, out at that ; — did you fee 
 it ? did you fee it ? did you fee it ? O ! did you fee 
 it? — —who faw it? who did fee it? for mercy s 
 fake, who faw it ? 
 
 Alack-a-day ! I v/as at vefpers ! — I was wafliin^, 
 I w^as ftarching, I was fcouring, I Mas quilting. 
 
 — God help me ! I never faw it — I never touclui 
 
 it ! — would I had been a fentinel, a bandy legg'd 
 drummer, a trumpeter, a trumpeter s wife, was the 
 general cry and lamentation in every ftreet and 
 corner of Strafburg. 
 
 Whilft all this confufion and diforder triumphed 
 throughout the great city of Strafburg, was the 
 courteous ftranger going on as gently upon his mule, 
 in his way to Frankfort, as if he had no concern 
 
 at all in the affair, talking all the way he 
 
 rode 
 
302 THE LIFE AND OPINION.^ 
 
 rode in broken lentences, fometimes to his mule, 
 — fometimes to himfelf, — Ibmetimes to his Julia. 
 
 O Julia, my lovely Julia ; — nay, I cannot ftop 
 to let thee bite that thiftle : — that ever the fufpefted 
 tongue of a rival ftiould have robbed me of en- 
 joyment when I was upon the point of tafting 
 it! 
 
 Pugh ! — 'tis nothing but a thiftle — never 
 
 mind it; — thou fhalt have a better fupper at 
 night. 
 
 Banifli'd from my country,— my friends, — - 
 
 from thee. 
 
 Poor devil, thouVt fadly tir d with the jour- 
 ney ! ^Come,— get on a little fafter, — there's 
 
 nothing in my cloak-bag but tw^o fhirts, — a crimfon- 
 
 fatin pan' of breeches, — and a fringed^ , Dear 
 
 Julia ! 
 
 But w'hy to Frankfort? — is it that there 
 
 is a hand unfelt, which fecretly is conducing 
 me through thefe meanders and unfufpecled 
 traas? 
 
 Stumbling ! by Saint Nicholas, every ftep ! 
 
 — Why, at this rate, we lhall be all night in getting 
 
 in — 
 
 To happinefs; — or am I to be the fport 
 
 of fortune and flander? — deftined to be driven 
 
 forth unconvifted, unheard, — untouch'd ; 
 
 — if fo, why did I not ftay at Strafburg, where 
 jufiice — but I had fw orn ! Come, thou flialt drink 
 
 —to St. Nicholas — O Julia! What doft 
 
 thou prick up thy ears at? — 'tis nothing but a 
 man^ &c^ 
 
 The 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 303 
 
 The ftranger rode on communing in this manner 
 with his mule and Julia, — till he arrived at his inn, 
 where, as loon as he arrived, he alighted; — faw 
 his mule, as he had promifed it, taken good care 
 of, — took off his cloak-bag, with his crimjbn-latin 
 breeches, &c. in it, — called for an omelet for his 
 fupper, went to his bed about twelve o'clock, and 
 in4ive minutes fell faft afleep. 
 
 It was about the fame hour when the tumult in 
 Stralburg being abated for that night, — the Straf 
 burgers had all got quietly into their beds, — but 
 not like the ftranger, for the reft either of their 
 minds or bodies; Queen Mab, like an elf as 
 ihe was, had taken the ftranger s nofe, and, with- 
 out reduction of its bulk, had that night been at 
 the pains of Hitting and dividing it into as many 
 nofes of different cuts and fafliions, as there w^ere 
 heads in Stralburg to hold them. The abbefs of 
 Quedlingberg, who, with the four great dignitaries 
 of her chapter, the priorefs, the deanefs, the fub- 
 cliantrefs, and fenior canonefs, had that week come 
 to Stralburg, to confult the univerfity upon a cafe 
 of confcience relating to their placket-holes,— was 
 ill all the night. 
 
 The courteous ftranger's nofe had got perched 
 upon the top of the pineal gland of her brain, and 
 made fuch roufmg work in the fancies of the four 
 s;reat dignitaries of her chapter, they could not get 
 a wink of fleep the w hole night through for it ;— 
 there was no keeping a limb ftill amongft them :— 
 in fhort, they got up like fo many ghofts. 
 
 The penitentiaries of the third order of Saint 
 
 Francis^-^ 
 
304 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 IVcUicis, — the nuns of Mount Calvary, — the Prce- 
 moiiftratenfcs, — tl)e Clunienfes — the Carthu- 
 lians, — and all the feverer orders of nuns, who lay 
 that night in blankets or hair-cloih, were Itill in a 
 worfc condition than the abbefs of Quedlincybero- 
 ' — by tumbling and toffing andtoffmg aqd tumbling 
 fri)in one lide of their beds to the other the whole 
 nightlong; — the feverai lifterhoods had fcratch'd, 
 
 and niauiVl themfelves all to death; they got 
 
 out of their beds alnioft flay'd alive ; every body 
 thought Saint Anthony had vilited theui for proba- 
 tion with his fire ; — they had never once, in fliort, 
 fiiut their eyes the whole night long from vefpers to 
 matins. 
 
 The nuns of Saint Urfulaafted the wifeft; — they 
 had never attempted to go to bed at all. 
 
 The dean of Stralburg, the prebendaries, the 
 capitulars and domiciliars (capitularly aflembled in 
 the morning to confidcr the cale of butterVl buns) all 
 wiilied they had followed the nuns of Saint Urfula s 
 example. 
 
 In the hurry and confufion every thing had been 
 in the night before, the bakers had all forgot to lay 
 their leaven, — there were no butter \1 buns to be 
 liad for breakfaft in all Stralburg : — the whole clofe 
 
 of the cathedral was in one eternal commotion ; 
 
 inch a caufe of reftleflhefs and difquietude, and fuch 
 a zealous inqniry into the caufe of that reftleflhefs, 
 had never happened in Stralburg, fince Martin 
 Luther, with his do6trines, had turned the city up- 
 iide down. 
 
 * Hafen Slawkenbergias means the Benedi6line nuns of 
 Clunv, touncied in the year 940, by Odo^ abbe de Cluny. 
 
 4 If 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDf'r 305 
 
 if the ftrangevs iiole took this liberty of thruftiag 
 hiaifelf tb.us into the diihes'^ of religioas orders, kc. 
 what a carnival did hi^ nofe make of it in tliofj of 
 the laity ! — 'tis more than my pen, worn to the 
 ftiimp as it is, has power to defcribe; though, 1 c c« 
 knowledge, ("^rr/fi Siawkenbergius, with more gaiety 
 of tkcught than I cctild have expelled frc?n him ) 
 that there is many a good fimile now fubfiiting in tiie 
 world which might give my countrymen ibme idea 
 of it ; but at the dole of fach a folio as this, wrote 
 for their fakes, and in which I have fpent the greateft 
 part of my life, — tho' I own to them the limile is 
 in being, yet would it not be unreafonable in them to 
 expeft I fliould have either tim.e or inclination to 
 fearch for it ? Let it fufiice to fay, that the riot and 
 diforder it occafioned in the Straflburgers fantafies 
 was fo general, — fuch an overpowering maiterfnip 
 had it ^ot of all the faculties of the Sirafi3uro;ers 
 minds, — fo many ftrange things, v, ith equal confi- 
 dence on all fides, and with equal eloquence in all 
 places, were Ipoken and Iworn to concerning it, that 
 turned the whole ftream of all difcourf^ and wonder 
 towards it ; every foul, good and bad,— rich and 
 poor, — learned and unlearned,— doctor and fludent, 
 " — miftrefs and maid,~gentle and fiinple,' — nuns 
 flefli and woman's fleili, in Strailjurg, fpe /it their 
 time in hearing tidings about it; — every eye in 
 
 * Mr. Shandy's compliments to orators, — is verv fenfible 
 that Slawkenbergius has here changed his metaphor^ — 
 which he is very guilty of: — that, as a tranflator, Mr. ShciiKiy 
 haS all along done what he could to make hii;|i itick to it. — > 
 but that here 'twas impoffible. 
 
 VOL* I, X Stralburg 
 
306 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 3tra^urg languifhed to fee it: — every fing;er— - 
 every thumb in Strafburg, — burned to touch it 
 
 Now what might add, if any thing may be thought 
 neceflary to add, to fo vehement a defire, w^as this^ 
 "that the fentinel, the bandy-legged drummer, 
 the trumpeter, the trumpeters wife, the burgo- 
 mafter's widow, the mafter of the inn, and the 
 mafter of the inn's wife, how widely foever they all 
 differed every one fi^om another in their teftimonies 
 and defcriptions of the ftranger's nofe, — they all 
 agreed together in two points, — namely, that he was 
 gone to Frankfort, and would not return to Straf- 
 burg till that day month ; and, fecondly, whether 
 his nofe was true or falfe, that the ftranger himfelf 
 was one of the moft perfe6l paragons of beauty, — 
 the fineft-made man, — the moft genteel ! — the moft 
 - generous of his purfe, — the moft courteous in his 
 carriage, that had ever entered the gates of Straf- 
 burg ; — that as he rode, with his fcymetar flung 
 loofely to his wrift, through the ftreets, — and walked 
 with his crimfon-fatin breeches acrofs the parade, 
 —'twas with fo fweet an air of carelefs modcfty, 
 and fo manly withal, — as w^ould have put the heart 
 in jeopardy (had his nofe not ftood in his way) of 
 every virgin who had caft her eyes upon him. 
 
 I call not upon that heart which is a ftranger to 
 the throbs and yearnings of curiofity, fo excited, to 
 juftify the abbefs of Quedlingberg, the priorels, the 
 deanefs, the fub-chantrefs, for fending at noon-day 
 for the trumpeter's wife: fhe went through the 
 ftreets of Stralburg with her huftand s trumpet in 
 her hand,— the beft apparatus the ftraitnefs of the 
 
 time 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 507 
 
 tune would allow her, for the iiluftradon of her 
 theory, — flie fcaid no longer than three days. 
 
 The fentinel and the bandy-legg d drummer !~ 
 nothing on this fide of old Athens could equal them ! 
 they read their leftures under the city-gates to 
 comers and goers, with all the pom.p of a Chry- 
 fippus and a Grantor in their porticos. 
 
 The mafter of the inn, with his hoftler on his left 
 hand, read his alfo in the fame ftyle, — under the 
 portico or gateway of his ftable-yard ; — ^his wife, 
 hers more privately in a back-room. All flocked 
 to their ieclures ; not promiicuoufiy, — but to this or 
 that, as is ever the w^ay, as faith and credulity 
 marfbaird them. In a word, each Strafburger 
 came crowding for intelligence ; — and every Straf- 
 buro;er had the intellic/ence he wanted. 
 
 'Tis worth remarking, for the benefit of all de- 
 monftrators in natural philofophy, &c. that as foon 
 as the trumpeter s wife had finiflied the abbefs of 
 Quedlingberg's private lefilure, and had begun to 
 read in public, which fne did upon a ftool in the 
 middle of the great parade, — ihe incommoded the 
 other demonftrators mainly, by gaining incontinently 
 the moft fefhionable part of the city of Strafturg 
 
 for her auditory. But when a demonftrator in 
 
 philofophy (cries Slawkenbergius) has a trum_pet 
 for an apparatus, pray what rival in fcience can 
 pretend to be heard befides him ? 
 
 Whilft the unlearned, through thefe conduits of 
 intelligence, were all bufied in getting down to the 
 bottom of the well, where Truth keeps her little 
 
 C0urt^ were the learned in their way as buly in 
 
 X2 pumping 
 
308 THE LIFE Ai^I) OPINIONS 
 
 pumping her up thro' the conduits of dialed induc- 
 tion ; — they concerned themfelves not with faCls, — 
 they realbned. 
 
 Not one profeffion had thrown more hght upon 
 this fubje6t than the Faculty, — had not all their 
 difputes about it run into the affair of wens and 
 oedematous fwellings, they could not keep clear of 
 them for their bloods and fouls. — The ftranger s 
 nofe had notiiing to do either with w ens or oedema- 
 tous fwellino;s. 
 
 It was demonftrated, however^ very fatisfafilorily, 
 that fuch a ponderous mafs of heterogeneous matter 
 could not be con^efted and conglomerated to the 
 nofe, whilft the infant was in iitero^ without deftroy- 
 ing the ftalical balance of the foetus, and throwing 
 it plump upon its head nine months before the 
 time.^ — • 
 
 The opponents granted the theory ; — they 
 
 denied the confequences. 
 
 And if a fuitable provifion of veins, arteries, &c. 
 faid they, w^as not laid in, for the due nourifliment 
 of fuch a nofe, in the very firft ftamina and rudiments 
 of its formation, before it came into the world 
 (bating the cafe of wens) it could not regularly 
 grow and be fuftained afterwards. 
 
 This was all anfwered by a differtation upon 
 nutriment, and the effea which nutriment had 
 in extending the veffels ; and in the incrcafe and 
 prolongation of the mulcular parts to the greateft 
 growth and expanfion imaginable. — In the tri- 
 umph of which theory, they went fo far as to 
 affirm. That there w^as no caufe in nature why 
 3 a nofe 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 309 
 
 a nofe might not grow to the fize of the man 
 himfelf. 
 
 The refpondents fatisfied the world this event 
 could never happen to them lb long as a man had 
 but one ftomach and one pair of lungs : — for the 
 ftomach, faid they, being the only organ deftined 
 for the reception of food, and turning it into chyle^ 
 and the lungs the only engine of fanguification, — ^ 
 it could poffibly work otfno more than what the 
 appetite brought it: or, admitting the poflibility of 
 a man s overloading his ftomach, nature had fet 
 bounds however to his lungs, — the engine was of a 
 determined fize and ftrength, and could elaborate 
 but a certain quantity in a given time ; — that is, it 
 could produce jult as much blood as was fufficient 
 for one fingle man, and no more ; fo that, if uiere 
 was as much nofe as man, — they proved a mortifi- 
 cation muft neceflfarily enfue ; and forafrnuch as 
 there could not be a fupport for both, that the nofe 
 muft either fall off from the man, or the man in- 
 evitably fall off from his nofe. 
 
 Nature accommodates herfclf to thefe emergen- 
 cies, cried the opponents, — elfe what do you fay 
 to the cafe of a whole ftomach, — a whole pair of 
 lungs, and but half -di man, when both his legs havq 
 been unfortunately (hot off ? 
 
 He dies of a plethora, faid they,~or muft fpit 
 blood, and in a fortnight or three weeks go off in a 
 confumption. 
 
 It happens otherwife,— replied the oppo- 
 nents. 
 
 It ought not, faid they. 
 
 x3 Tfte 
 
310 THE LIFE AND 0Vmi6l<lB 
 
 The more curious and intimate inquirers after 
 Nature and her doings, though the}^ went hand in 
 hand a good way together, yet they all divided 
 about the nofe at laft, almoft as much as the 
 Faculty itfelf. 
 
 They amicably laid it down, that there wa.s a 
 juft and geometrical arrangement and proportion 
 of the feveral parts of the human frame to its 
 feveral deftinations, offices, and funftions, which 
 could not be tranfgreffed but within certain limits • 
 — that Nature, though flie fported, — flie fported 
 within a certain circle; — and they could not agree 
 about the diameter of it. 
 
 The logician ftuck much cloler to the point 
 before them than any of the claffes of the literati ; 
 — they began and ended with the word Nofe ; and 
 had it not been for 3. petitio principii, which one of 
 the ableft of them ran his head againft in the be- 
 ginning of the combat, the whole controverfy had 
 been fettled at once. 
 
 A nofe, argued the logician, cannot bleed without 
 blood, — and not only blood, — but blood circulating 
 in it to fupply the phaenomenon with a fucceffioa 
 of drops — ( a ftream being but a quicker fucceffion 
 of drops, that is included, faid he.) — — Now death, 
 continued the logician, being nothing but the ftag- 
 nation of the blood, — 
 
 I deny the definition :— death is the feparation of 
 
 the foul from the body, faid his antagonift. 
 
 Then we don't agree about our weapons, faid the 
 logician. — — Then there is an end of the difpute^ 
 replied the antagonift. 
 
 The 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 3II 
 
 The civilians were ftill moreconcife : M^hat they 
 offered being more in the nature of a decree — than 
 a difpute. 
 
 Such a monftrous nofe, faid they, had it been a 
 true nofe, could not poffibly have been fuffcred in 
 civil fociety; — and if falfe, to impofe upon lociety 
 with fuch falfe figns and tokens, was a ftill greater 
 violation of its rights, and muft have had ftiU iefs 
 mercy Ihewn it. 
 
 The only objeftion to this was, that if it proved 
 any thing, it proved the ftranger s nole was neither 
 true nor falfe. 
 
 This left room for the controverfy to go on. It 
 was maintained by the advocates of the ecclefiaftic 
 court, that there was nothing to inhibit a decree 
 fmce the ftranger ex mero motu had confefTed he 
 had been at the Promontory of Nofes, and had 
 got one of the goodlieft, &c. &c. — — To this it was 
 anfwered, it was impolfible there fliould be fuch a 
 place as the Promontory of Nofes, and the learned 
 be ignorant where it lay. The commilTary of the 
 Biihop of Strafburg undertook the advocates part, 
 explained this matter in a treatile upon proverbial 
 phrafes, fh^wing them, that the Promontory of 
 Nofes was a mere allegoric expreifion, importing 
 no more than that nature had given him a long 
 nofe : in proof of which, with great learning, he cited 
 the underwritten authorities % which had decided 
 
 the 
 
 * Nonnulli ex noflratibus eadem loquendi formula utun. 
 
 Quiiiimo & Logillae & Canonifta?.- Vid. Parce Barne Jas 
 
 ui d. U Provincial. Conftitut. de conjee. vid» Vol. Lib. 4. 
 
 x4 TituL 
 
THE LIFE AKD OPINIOKS 
 
 the point inconteftably, had it not appeared that a 
 difpute about iome franchifes of dean and chapter- 
 lands, had been determined by it nineteen years 
 before. 
 
 It happened, — I muft not fay unlackily for 
 Truth, becauie they were giving her a lift another 
 way in fo doing, that the two univerfities of Straf- 
 burg,— the Lutheran, founded in the year 1538 by 
 Jacobus Sturnjius, counfellor of the fenate,— and 
 the Popifli^ founded by Leopold, archduke of 
 Auftria, were, during ail this time, employing the 
 whole depth of their knowledge (except jiift what the 
 affair of the abbefs of Quediingbergs placket- 
 holes required) — in determining the point of Martin 
 Luther's , damnation. 
 
 The Popish doctors had undertaken to demon- 
 ftrate, a priori, that from the neceffary influence of 
 the pLinels on the twenty-fecond day of Oftober 
 1483, — when the moon was in the twelfth houfe, 
 Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the third; the Sun, 
 Saturn, and Alercury, all got together in the fourth ; 
 ' — that he muft in couric , and unavoidably, be a 
 dan)n\i man ; and that his do6trines, by a direfil 
 corollary^ muft be damn d doctrines too. 
 
 By 
 
 Titub T. n»7. qua eliam in re confpir. Cm. de Promontorio 
 Nas. Ticbmak. ff. d. tit. 3. fol. ISfl. paffim. Vid. Glos. de 
 contraiiend. ernpt. c\c. neciion J. Scrudr. in cap. § refut, 
 per lotuni. Cum his cuus. Rever. J. Tubal, SenteiU. & Prov, 
 cap. (J. rr. 11, 12. obittr. V. & Librum, cui Tit. de Terris & 
 Pliras. Celg. ad fiiinia, cum comment. N. Bardy Belg. Vido 
 Sc.iip. Argentoratens. de Antic|. l\cc. in Epifc Archiv. fid. 
 coll. per Von JacobuH) Koinlhoven Folio Argent. 1583, 
 pra^. ip. ad 'finrm.. Quibus add. RebuO^ in L. obvenire de 
 S'gnif. Nom, ff. fol. &z de jure Gent. & Civil, de protib. ali- 
 ena ieud. } er federa, teft. J'>ha. Luxius in prolegom. quem 
 veUin videas, de Analy- Cap. 1; 2, 3. Vid. Wea. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY, 313 
 
 By infpeQioii into his horolcope, where five 
 planets VI ere in coition all at once with Scorpio * 
 (in reading this, my father would always Ibake 
 his head) in the ninth houfe, which the Arabians 
 allotted to reli^^ion,— it appear^dthat Martin Luther 
 did not care one iiiver about the matter; — and 
 that, irom the hon^fcope directed to the conjunction 
 of Aiars, — they made it plain likevufe he muft die 
 curling; and blafpheming; — with the blaft of which 
 his foul (being fteep d in guiit) failed before the 
 wmd in the lake of Hell-fire. 
 
 The little objcftion of the Lutheran do6iors to 
 this, was, that it muft certainly be the foul of 
 another man, born OCtober 22, 83, which was 
 forced to fdil down before the wind in that manner, 
 — inafiuuch as it appeared from the regifter of 
 Ifiaben, in the county of Mansfelt, that Luther 
 was not born in the year J483, but in 84; and not 
 on tlie 2 2d day of Ofitober, but on the loth of 
 November, the eve of Martinmas-day, from whence 
 he had the name of Martin. 
 
 [ —I muft break off my tranilation for a mo- 
 ment ; for, if I did not, I know^ I lliould no more 
 be able to fhut my eyes in bed, than the abbefs of 
 
 * Heec mira, fatifque borrenda. Planetarum coitio fiib 
 Scorpio Afteriliiio m nona cueli ttalione, quam Arabes re- 
 jig. oiii cleputabant efficit JMaitinum Luthenim facrilegium 
 hereticum, Cbnitianae religionis hoftem acrrrimum atqn.e 
 prophanum, ex horofcopi direitione ad Martis coitum, reii- 
 gioriifiama obiit, ems Anima fceleftiffiina ad iniernog navigavit, 
 — ab ALdo, Tiiipbone & Me^^aia fl^geiiis igntis cruciata 
 perenniu^r. 
 
 Lucas GaiirieDS in Tradatu aflrologico de pra^te- 
 
 ritis multoruin iiominum accident! bus per genituias exa- 
 
 Qued- 
 
314 '^JiJ"^ ^1^'^^ AND OPINIONS 
 
 Qiiedlingherg-^ — It is to tell the reader, that my 
 lather never read this paflage of Slawkenbergias to 
 my uncle Toby, but with triumph, — not over my 
 uncle Toby, for he never oppofed him in it, — but 
 over the vv4iole world, 
 
 Now you lee, brother Toby, he would fay, 
 
 looking up, that chriftian names are not fuch 
 
 indiilerent things:*' — had Luther here been called 
 by anv other name but Martin, he would have been 
 damnd to all eternity; — not that I look upon 
 Martin, he would add, as a good name,— far from 
 xt,^ — "tis fomething better than a neutral, and but a 
 little ; — yet, little as it is, you fee it was of fume 
 fervice to him. 
 
 'My father knew the weaknefs of this prop to his 
 hypothefis, as well as the beft logician could fliew 
 Mm, — yet fo ftrange is the weaknefs of man at the 
 £ime time, as it fell in his way, he could not for his 
 life but make ufe of it ; and it was certainly for 
 this reafon, that though there are many ftories in 
 Hafen Slawkenbergius s Decades full as entertain- 
 ing as this I am tranflating, yet there is not one 
 amongft them which my father read over with half 
 the delight ; — it flattered two of his ftrangeft hypo- 
 thefes together, — his. Names and his No/es. — I will 
 be bold to fay, he might have read all the books in 
 the Alexandrian Library, had not fate taken other 
 carc of them, and not have met with a book or 
 pa^lfage in one, which hit two fuch nails as thefe upon 
 the head at one ftroke.] 
 
 The two univerfities of Stralburg were hard 
 lugging at this affair of Luther's navigation. The 
 
 Proteftant 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 315 
 
 Proteftant dofilors had demonftrated, that he had 
 not failed right before the wind, as the Popifti 
 doctors had pretended ; and as every one knew 
 there was no failing full in the teeth of it, — they 
 were going to fettle, in cafe he had failed, how 
 many points he was off; whether Martin had 
 doubled the Cape, or had fallen npon a lee-lhore ; 
 and no doubt, as it was an enquiry of much edifi- 
 cation, at leaft to thofe who underftood this fort of 
 navigation^ they had gone un with it in fpite of the 
 fize of the ftranger's nofe, had not the fize of the 
 ftranger's nofe drawn off the attention of the world 
 from what they were about : — it was their bufinels 
 to follow. 
 
 The abbefs of Quedlingberg and her four dig- 
 nitaries were no ftop; for the enormity of the 
 ftranger's nofe running full as inuch in their fancies 
 as their cafe of cOnfcience, — the affair of their 
 placket-holes kept cold: — in a word, the printers 
 were ordered to diftribute their types : — all con-* 
 troverfies dropped, 
 
 'Twas a fquare cap with a filver taffel upon 
 the crown of it — to a nutfhell, — to have gueffed 
 on which fide of the nofe the two univerfities 
 would fplit. 
 
 'Tis above reafon, cried the doQ:ors on one 
 iide. 
 
 'Tis below reafon, cried the others. 
 'Tis faith, cried one. 
 • 'Tis a fiddleftick, faid the other. 
 'Tis poffible, ci ied the one. 
 Tis impoffible, faid the other, 
 
 Gods 
 
3l6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 God s power is infinite^ cried the Nolarians ; lie 
 can do any thing* 
 
 He can do nothing, replied the Aniinofarians, 
 ii\:hich implies contradictions. 
 
 He can make matter think, faid the Nofarians. 
 
 As certainly as you can make a velvet cap out of 
 a few's ear, replied the Antinofarians. 
 
 He cannot make two and two five, replied the 
 
 PopiQi do6Lors. 'Tis falfe, laid their other opr 
 
 ponents. 
 
 Infinite power is infinite power, faid the doc- 
 tors who maintained the reality of the nofe. — • 
 It extends only to all poffible things, replied the 
 Lutherans. 
 
 By God in Heaven, cried the Popifh doftors, 
 liie can make a nofe, if he thinks fit, as big as the 
 fteeple of Strafturg. 
 
 Now the fteeple of Strafburg being the biggelt 
 and the talleft church-fteeple to be feen in the 
 ivhole world, the Antinolariana denied that a nofe 
 of 575 geometrical feet in length could be worn, 
 at leaft by a middle-fiz'd man. — The Popifh doc- 
 tors fwore it could: — the Luth*eran dofiiors laid 
 No ; — it could not. 
 
 This at once ftarted a new difpute, which they 
 puriucd a great way, upon the extent and limi- 
 tation of the moral and natural attributes of 
 God. — That controverly led them naturally into 
 Thomas A^^uinas; and Thomas Aquinas to the 
 Devil. 
 
 The ftranger s nofe was no more heard of in 
 the difpute ; — it juft ferved as a frigate^ to launch 
 
 tlieia 
 
OF TIlISTRAIVf SHANDT. 31^ 
 
 them into the gulf of fchpol-clivinity,^ — and then 
 they cJl lailed before the wind. 
 
 Heat is in proportion to the want of true kno w- 
 iedg;e. 
 
 The controverfy about the attributes, &c. in- 
 ftead of coohng;, on the conlrarv, had iiiBamed 
 the Strafbiirgers imaginations to a moft inordinate 
 degree. — The lefs they underftood of the matter, 
 the greater was their wonder about it ; — they were 
 left in all the diftreflfes of defire unfatisfied, — faw 
 their doftors, the Parchmentarians^ the Brajjarians^ 
 the TurperitarianSy on one fide, — tiie Popiih doc- 
 tors on the other, like Pantagruel and his com- 
 panions in^queft of the oracle of the bottle, all 
 embarked out of fight. 
 
 The poor Straiburgcrs left upon the 
 
 beach ! 
 
 ^'What was to be done? — No delay; — the 
 
 uproar increafed, — every one in diforder,— the 
 city-gates fet open. 
 
 Unfortunate Strafburgers ! — was there in the 
 ftorehoufe of nature, — was there in the lumber- 
 rooms of learning^— was there in tire great ar- 
 fenal of chance, one fingle engine left undrawn 
 forth to torture your curiofities, and ftretch your 
 defires, w^hich was not pointed by the hand of 
 Fate to play upon your hearts? — I dip not my 
 pen into my ink to excufe the Isirrender of your^- 
 felves, — ^'tis to write your panegyric. Shew me 
 a city fo macerated with expectation, — who nei- 
 ther eat, or drank, or flept, or prayed, or heark- 
 ened to the calls either of religion or nature, for 
 
 fcven- 
 
3l8 THE LIFE AND OPINIOISS 
 
 feven-and -twenty days together, who could have 
 held out one day longer ! 
 
 On the twenty-eighth the courteous ftranger had 
 promiled to return to Strafturg. 
 
 Seven thoufand coaches (Slawkenbergius mult 
 certainly have made fome miftake in his numerical 
 charafters) 7000 coaches, — 15000 fingle-^horfe 
 chairs^ — 20000 waggons, crowded as full as they 
 could all hold with lenators, counfellors, lyndics, — - 
 beg[;uines, widows, v.ives, virgins, canons, concu- 
 bines, all in their coaches : — The abbels of Qued- 
 lingberg, with the priorefs, tlie deanefs and fub- 
 chantrels, leading the proceffion in one coach, and 
 the dean of Strafourg, widi the four dignitaries of 
 his chapter, on her left hand,— the reft following 
 higglety-pigglety as they could ; Pjme on horfeback, 
 ' — fome on foot, — Ibme led, — fomc driven,— fome 
 dovvn the Rhine, — ^^fome this vray, — fome that, — 
 all let out at fan-rife to meet the courteous ftran^^er 
 on the road. 
 
 Hafte we now towards the cataftrophe of my 
 tale, — I fay cataftrophe (cries Slawkenbergius) 
 inafmuch as a tale, with parts rightly difpofed, 
 not only rejoiceth (gaudet) in the Cataftrophe and 
 Peripeitia of a Drama, but rejoiceth moreover 
 in all the eifential and .integrant parts of it ; — - 
 it has its Vrotafis, Epitafis^ Catajlafis, its Cata- 
 Jlrophe or Peripeitia^ growing one out of the other 
 in it, in the order Ariftotle lirft planted them, — 
 without which a tale had better never be told at all> 
 fays Slawkenbergius, but be kept to a man's felf. 
 
 In all my ten tales, in all my ten decades, have 
 
 I, Slawken- 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. Ojg 
 
 I, Slawkenbergins, tied down every tale of them 
 as tightly to this rule, as I have done this of the 
 ftranger and his nofe. 
 
 —From his firft parley with the fentinel, to his 
 leaving the city of Strafturg, after pulling off his 
 crimfon-fetin pair of breeches, is the Pr(?/^j-, or 
 firft entrance, — where the charafilers of the Pe?fon^ 
 Dramatis are juft touched in, and the fubject: 
 flightly begun. 
 
 The Epitafis, wherein the aftion is more folly 
 entered upon and heightened, till it arrives at its 
 ftate or height, called the Catafiajls, and which 
 ufually takes up the 2d and 3d a6t, is included 
 w-ithin that bufy period of my tale, betwixt the 
 firft night's uproar about the nofe, to the conclofion 
 of the trumpeter's wife's lectures upon it in the 
 middle of the grand parade : and from the firft 
 embarking of the learned in the difputc — to the 
 doctor's finally failing away, and leaving the Stral- 
 burgers upon the beach in diftrefs, is the Catafiajis 
 or the ripening of the incidents and pafiions for 
 their burfting forth in the fifth a6t. 
 
 This commences with the fettin^ out of the 
 Straiburgers on the Frankfort road, and terminates 
 in unwindins^ the labvrinth and bringing; the hero 
 out of a ftate of agitation (as Ariftotle calls it) to 
 a ftate of reft and quietnefs. 
 
 This, fays Hafen Slawkenbergins, conftitutes the 
 Catajlrophe or Perifeitta of my tale ; — and that 
 is the part of it I am going to relate. 
 
 We left the ftranger behind the curtain alleep : 
 — he enters now upon the ftage. 
 
 What 
 
320 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 • — What doft thou prick up thy ears at ?— 'tis 
 nothing but a man upon a horfe,- — ^was the lall 
 word the ftranger uttered to his mule. It was not 
 proper then to tell the reader, tliat the mule took his 
 mafter's word for it ; and without any more ifs or 
 ands, let the traveller and his horle pals by. 
 
 The traveller was haftening with all diligence 
 to get to Stralburg that night. What a fool am 
 I, faid the traveller to himfelf, when he had rode 
 about a league farther, to think of getting into 
 Stralburg this night! — Straiburg! — the great Straf- 
 ]5y^g!„_ Stralburg, the capital of all Alfatia! Straf- 
 burg, an imperial city! Stralburg, a fovereign 
 ftate ! Stralburg, garrifoned with five thoufand of 
 the beft troops in all the vrorld! — Alas! if I was 
 at the gates of Stralburg this moment, I could not 
 gain admittance into it for a ducat, — nay, a ducat 
 and a half : — 'tis too much? — better go back to the 
 laft inn I have paffed, — than he I know not where, 
 — or give I know not what. The traveller, as he 
 made thefe refleftions in his mind, turned his 
 horfe s head about, and, three minutes after the 
 ftrano"er had been conducted into his chamber, hd 
 arrived at the fame inn. 
 
 We have bacon in the houfe, faid the hoft,< 
 
 and bread ; and till eleven o'clock this night had 
 three eggs in it ; — but a ftranger, who arrived arl 
 hour ago, has had them dreffed into an omelet, and 
 we have nothing. — 
 
 Alas ! faid the traveller, haralTed as I am, I Avant 
 
 nothing but a bed. 1 have one as foft as is iri 
 
 Alfatia; laid the hoft, 
 
 —The 
 
O^' TRISTRAM SHANDT: ^2t 
 
 ' — The ftranger, continued he, ftiould have flept 
 in it, for 'tis my heft bed, but upon the fcore of his 
 
 nofe. He has got a defluxion ? faid the traveller. 
 
 'Not that I know, cried the hoft.' — But 'tis a 
 
 camp-bed, and Jacinta, faid he, looking towards 
 the maid, imagined there was not room in it to 
 
 turn his nofe in. Why fo ? cried the ti'aveller, 
 
 ftarting back. It is fo long a nofe, replied the 
 
 hoft. The traveller fixed his eyes upon Jacinta, 
 
 then upon the ground, — kneeled upon his right 
 knee, had jutt got his hand laid upon his breaft,— 
 Trifle not with my anxiety, faid he, rifmg up again. 
 Tis no trifle, laid Jacinta, 'tis the moft glori- 
 ous nofe ! The traveller fell upon his knee 
 
 again, — laid his hand upon his breaft, — then, 
 laid he, looking up to Heaven, thou haft con- 
 du9:ed me to the end of my pilgrimage, — 'Tis 
 Diego. 
 
 The traveller was the brother of Julia, lb ofteii 
 invoked that night by the ftranger as he rode froni 
 Strafburg upon his mule ; and was come, on her 
 part, in queft of him. He had accompanied his 
 fifter from Valadolid acrofs the Pyrenean Moun- 
 tains through France, and had many an entangled 
 Ikein to wind off in purfuit of him, through the 
 many meanders and abrupt turnings of a lover's 
 thorny tracks. 
 
 Juha had funk under it, — and had not been 
 
 able to get a ftep farther than to Lyons, where, 
 with the many difquietudes of a tender heart, which 
 •dU talk of, — but few feel, — flie ficken'd, but had 
 jwft ftrength to write a letter to Diego; and 
 
 VOL. I, Y having 
 
§22 rnt LIFE ANB OPINIONS 
 
 having conjured her brother never to fee her 
 face till he had found him out, and put the letter 
 into his hands, Julia took to her bed. 
 
 Fernandez (for that was her brother's name) — - 
 tho* the eamp-bed was as foft as any one in Alface, 
 yet he could not lliut his eyes in it. — As loon as it 
 was day he rofe; and hearing Diego was rifen too^ 
 he entered his chamber, and difcharged his fifter's> 
 commiffion. 
 
 The letter was as follows : 
 
 Seig. Diego, 
 " Whether my fufpicions of your nofe were 
 juftly excited or not, — 'tis not now to enquire ; — 
 it is enough I have not had firmnefs to put them 
 to farther trial. 
 
 How could I know fo little of myfelf, when I 
 fent my duenna to forbid your coming more under 
 my lattice ? or how could I know fo little of you^ 
 Diego, as to imagine you would have ftaid one 
 day in Valadolid to have given eafe to my 
 doubts ?^ — Was I to be abandoned, Diego, be- 
 caufe I was deceived ! or was it kind to take me 
 ^' at my word, whether my fufpicions were juft or 
 no, and leave me, as you did, a prey to much 
 uncertainty and forrow ? 
 
 " In what manner Julia has refented this, — my 
 
 brother, when he puts this letter into your hands,. 
 
 will tell you; he will tell you in how few mo- 
 " ments Ihe repented of the rafli melTage Ihe had 
 " fent you, — in what frantic hafte fhe Hew to her 
 
 lattice, and how many days and nights together 
 11 flie 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHATsTDY. 323 
 
 " Ihe leaned immovably upon her elbow, looking 
 
 through it towards the way which Diego \y^s 
 
 w^ont to come. 
 
 He will tell you, when Ihe heard of your de* 
 
 parture, — how her fpirits deferted her, how her 
 " heart ficken'd, — how piteoufly ftie mourned, — 
 
 how long Ihe hung her head. O Diego ! how 
 " many weary fteps has my brother's pity led me 
 
 by the hand languifliing to trace out yours ! how 
 
 far has defire carried me beyond ftrength ! — and 
 ^' how oft have I fainted by the way, and funk into 
 
 his arms, with only power to cry out,— O my 
 
 Diego! 
 
 If the gentlenefs of your carriage has not be- 
 " hed your heart, you will fly to me almoft as faft 
 " as you fled from me: — hafte as you will, — you 
 " -will arrive but to fee me expire. 'Tis a bitter 
 
 draught, Diego; but oh! 'tis embittered Itili 
 
 more by dying un 
 
 She could proceed no farther, 
 
 Slawkenbergius fuppofes the word intended was 
 unconvinced ; but her ftrength would not enable her 
 to finifn her letter. 
 
 The heart of the courteous Diego overflowed as 
 he read the letter ; — he ordered his mule forth- 
 with and Fernandez s horfe to be faddled; and 
 as no vent in profe is equal to that of poetry in 
 fuch conflicts, — chance, which as often direQ:s us 
 to remedies as to difeafes, having thrown a piece of 
 charcoal into the window, — Diego availed himfelf 
 of it ; and, whilft the oftler was getting ready his 
 
 Y 2 mulej 
 
3*24 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 mule, he eafed his mind againft the wall as 
 follows : 
 
 ODE. 
 
 Harfti and untuneful are the notes of love^ 
 
 Unlefs my JuUa ttrikes the key, 
 Her hand alone can touch the part, 
 Whofe dulcet move- 
 ment charms the heart. 
 And governs all the man with fympathetic fway, 
 2d. 
 
 O Julia ! 
 
 The lines were very natural,— for tbey were 
 nothing at all to the purpofe, fays SlaAvkenbergius^ 
 and 'tis a pity there were no more of them ; but 
 whether it was that Seig. Diego was flow in com- 
 pofmg verfeS; — or the oftler quick in faddling 
 mules, — is not averred ; certain it was, that Diego s 
 mule and Fernandez's horfe were ready at the 
 door of the inn before Diego was ready for his 
 fecond ftanza ; fo, without ftaying to finiih his ode, 
 they both mounted, fallied forth, paffed the Rhine, 
 traverfed Alface^ fhaped their courle towards 
 Lyons; and, before the Stralburgers and the abbefs 
 of Quedlingberg had fet out on their cavalcade, 
 had Fernandez, Diego, and his Julia, crolTed the 
 Pyrenean Mountains, and got fafe to Valadolid. 
 
 'Tis needlefs to inform the geographical reader, 
 that, when Diego was in Spain, it was not poffible 
 to meet the courteous ftranger in the Frankfort 
 road ; it is enough to fay, that^ of all reftlefs defires, 
 
 curiofity 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 325 
 
 curiofity being the ftrongeft, — the Strafburgers felt 
 the fall force of it; and that for three days and nights 
 they were tofled to and fro in the Frankfort road, 
 with the tempeftuous fury of this paffion, before they 
 Gould fubmit to return home ; — Avhen, alas ! an 
 event was prepared for them, of all others, the moft 
 grievous that could befal a free people. 
 
 As this revolution of the Stralburgers affairs is 
 often fpoken of, and little underftood, I will, in 
 ten words, lays Slaw4enbergius, give the world an 
 explanation of it, and with it put an end to my 
 tale. 
 
 Every body knows of the grand fyftem of Uni- 
 verfal Monarchy, wrote by order of Monfieu? 
 Colbert, and put in manufcript into the hands of 
 Lewas the Fourteenth, in the year 1664. 
 
 'Tis as well known, that one branch out of many 
 of that fyftem, \^'as the getting polTeffion of Straf- 
 burg, to favour an entrance at all times into Suabia, 
 in order to difturb the quiet of Germany ; — and 
 that in confequence of this plan, Stralburg un- 
 happily fell at length into their hands. 
 
 It is the lot of a few to trace out the true fprings 
 of this and fuch like revolutions ; — the vulgar look 
 too high for them, — -Statef nen look too low ; — - 
 Truth (for once) lies in the middle. 
 
 What a fatal thing is the popular pride of a 
 free city ! cries one hiftorian. — The Stralburgers 
 deemed it a diminution of their freedom to receive 
 an imperial garrifon, — fo fell a prey to a French 
 
 y 3 The 
 
326 THE luUT AND OPINIONS 
 
 The fate, fays another, of the Strafburgers, may 
 be a warning to all free people to fave their money. 
 
 They anticipated their revenues, — brought them- 
 felves under taxes, exhaufted their ftrengtb, and, 
 in the end, became fo weak a people, they had 
 t\ot ftrength to keep their gates Ihut ; and fo the 
 French pufhed them open 1 
 
 Alas ! alas ! cries Slawkenbergius, 'twas not 
 the French, — twa!^ curicftty puftied them open. 
 •^The French, indeed, who are ever upon the 
 catch, when they faw the Stralburgers, men, women, 
 and children, all marched out to follow^ the ftranger's 
 nofe,— each man followed his own, and marched 
 in. 
 
 Trade and manufaftures have decayed and 
 gradually grown down ever fince, — but not from 
 ^iny caufe which commercial heads have affigned ; 
 fork is owing to this only, that Nofes have ever fo 
 run in their heads, that the Strafburgers could not 
 follow their bufmefs. 
 
 Alas ! alas ! cries Slawkenbergius, making an 
 exclamation,— it is not the firft, — and I fear will not 
 be the laft fortrefs that has been either w on — or 
 loft by Nojes. 
 
 THE END OF SLAWK EN BERGIUS's TALK, 
 
■OF TRISTRAM SKANBY. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 WITH all this learning upon Nofes running 
 perpetually in my father's fancy, — with fo many 
 family prejudices, — and ten decades of fuch tales 
 running on for ever along with them, — how was it 
 poffible with fuch exquilite, — was it a true nofe? — 
 that a man with hch exquifite feelings a^^ my father 
 had, could bear tiie fiiock at all beiow^ ftairs, — or 
 indeed above ftairs, in any other pofture but the 
 very pofture I have defcribed ? 
 
 — Throw yourfelf down upon the bed a dozen 
 times, — taking care only to ptace a looking-glafs 
 firft in a chair on one fide of it before you do it. — 
 But was the ftranger's nofe a true nofe, or was it a 
 falfe one ? 
 
 To tell that beforehand, Madam, w^ould be to do 
 inj ury to one of the beft tales in the Chriftian world - 
 and that is the tenth of the tenth decade, which 
 immediately follows this. 
 
 This tale, cried Slawkenbergius, fomew^hat exult- 
 ingly, has been referved by me for the concluding 
 tale of my whole work; knowing right well, that 
 when I fhail have told it, and my reader (hall have 
 read it thro', — 'twould be even high time for both 
 of us to fhut up the book ; inafmuch, continues 
 Slawkenbergius, as I know of no tale which could 
 pofiibly ever go dow n after it 
 
 — 'Tis a tale indeed ! 
 
 This fets out with the firft interview in the inn at 
 Lyons, when Fernandez left the courteous Itranger 
 
 Y 4 and 
 
328 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and his fifter Julia alone in her chamber, and is 
 overwritten 
 
 rn^ XIVTTRICACIES 
 OF 
 
 DIEGO A N D JULIA. 
 
 Heavens ! thou art a ftranije creature, Slawken- 
 bergius ! what a whinilical view of the involutions 
 of the heart of woman haft thou opened ! how this 
 can ever be tranflated, and yet if this fpecimen of 
 Slawkenbergius's tales, and the exquifitenefs of his 
 moral, fhould pleafe the world, — tranflatecj ihall a 
 couple of volumes be. — Elfe, how this can ever be 
 tranflated into good Englifti, I have no fort of con- 
 ception.^ — There feems, in fome paflTages, to want a 
 fixth fenfe to do it rightly. — What can he mean by 
 the lambent pupilahility of flow, low, dry chat five 
 notes below the natural tone, — which you know, 
 Madam, is little more than a whifper? The mo- 
 ment I pronounced the words, I could perceive an 
 attempt towards a vibration in the firings about 
 the region of the heart. — 1 he brain made no ac- 
 knowledgment. — There s often no good underftand- 
 ing betwixt em :— I felt as if I underftood it. — I 
 had no ideas.— The movement could not be with- 
 out caufe. — I'm loft. I can make nothing of it, — • 
 unlefs, may it pleafe your Worfliips, the voice, in 
 that cafe being little more than a w hifper, unavoid- 
 ably forces the eyes to approach not only within 
 fix inches of each other, — but to look into the 
 pupils.~Is not that dangerous ?— But it can't b© 
 
 avoided; 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 
 
 avoided; — for to look up to the ceiling, in that cafe 
 the tvvo chins unavoidably meet; — and, to look 
 down into each other's lap, the foreheads come 
 into immediate contact, which at once puts an end 
 to the conference, — I mean to the lentim.ental 
 part of it. — What is left. Madam, is not worth 
 ftooping for. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 MY father lay ftretched acrofs the bed as ftill 
 as if the hand of death had puihed him down, for a 
 full hour and a half beibre he began to play upon 
 the floor with the toe of that foot w^hich hung over 
 the bedfide. My uncle Toby's heart was a pound 
 lighter for it. — In a few moments, his left hand, 
 the knuckles of which had all the time reclined upon 
 the handle of the chamber-pot, came to its feeling ; 
 — he thruft it a little more within the valance, — 
 drew up his hand, w^ien he had done, into his 
 bofom, — gave a hem ! My good uncle Toby, witli 
 infiniie pleafjre, anfwered it ; and full gladly 
 wouid have ingrafted a fentence of confblation upon 
 the opening it afforded : but having no talents, as 
 I faid, that way, and fearing, moreover, that he 
 micrht fet out with fomeihini:>; which midit make 
 a bad matter worfe^ he contented himfelf with 
 refting his chiii placidly upon the crofs of his 
 crutch. 
 
 Now, whiCther the compreffion fhortened my 
 uncle Toby's face into a more pleafurable oval, 
 —or that the philantliropy of his heart, in feeing 
 
 his 
 
330 THE LIFE AND OMNIOKS 
 
 his brother beginning to emerge out of the fea of 
 his afflidions, had braced np his mufcles, — fo 
 that the compreflion upon his chin only doubled 
 the benignity which was there before, is not hard 
 to decide. — My father, in turning his eyes, was 
 firuck with fuch a gleam of funlhine in his face, 
 as melted down the fuUennefs of his grief in a 
 moment. 
 
 He broke filence as follows : 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 DID ever m.an, brother Toby, cried my father, 
 raifmg himfelf upon his elbow, and turning himfelf 
 round to the oppofite fide of the bed, where my 
 uncle Toby was fitting in his old fringed chair, with 
 his chin refting upon his crutch, — did ever a poor 
 unfortunate man, brother Toby, cried my father, re- 
 ceive fo many ladies? The moft I ever faw 
 
 given, quoth my uncle Toby (ringing the bell at the 
 bed's head for Trim) was to a grenadier, I think, 
 in Mackay's regiment. 
 
 Had my uncle Toby ihot a bullet through 
 
 my father s heart, he could not have fallen down 
 with his nofe upon the quilt more fuddenly. 
 
 Blefs me ! faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 WAS it Mackay's regiment, quoth my uncle 
 Toby^ where the poor grenadier was fo unmerci- 
 fully 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAI^DY. 33I 
 
 full}^ whipp'd at Bruges, about the ducats ?— — O 
 Chrift ! he was innocent ! cried Trim, with a deep 
 figh. — And he was whipp'd, may it pleafe your 
 Honour, almoft to Death's door. — They had better 
 have fliot him outright, as he begg d, and he had 
 gone direftly to Heaven ; for he was as innocent as 
 
 your Honour. 1 thank thee, Trim, quoth my 
 
 uncle Toby. 1 never think of this, continued 
 
 Trim, and my poor brother Tom's misfortunes, for 
 we were all three fchool-feilows, but I cry like a 
 
 coward. Tears are no proof of cowardice, Trim. 
 
 — I drop them oft-times mylelf, cried my uncle 
 
 Toby. 1 know your Honour does, replied 
 
 Trim, and fo am not a&amed of it myfelf — But 
 to think, may it pleafe your Honour, continued 
 Trim, a tear ftealing into the corner of his eye as he 
 fpoke,^ — to think of two virtuous lads with hearts as 
 warm in their bodies, and as honeft as God could 
 make tiiem, — the cliildren of honeft people, going 
 forth with gallant fpirits to leek their fortunes in 
 the world, — and fall into luch evils ! — poor Tom ! 
 to be tortured upon a rack for nothing — but marry- 
 ing a Jew's widow who fold faufages ! — hooeft Dick 
 Johnfon s foul to be fcourged out of his body, for 
 the ducats another man put into his knapfack ! — 
 O ! — thefe are misfortunes, cried Trim, — pulling 
 out his handkerchief, — thefe are misfortunes, may 
 it pleafe your Honour, w^orth lying down and crying 
 over. 
 
 — My father could not help blufhing. 
 'Twould be a pity, Trim, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 thou Ihouldft ever feel forrow of thy own ; — thou 
 
332 THE LIFE AKD OPINIONS 
 
 feeleft it fo tenderly for others. — iilack-a-day, re- 
 plied the corporal, brightening up his face, — your 
 Honour knows I have neither wife or child ; — I can 
 
 have no forrows in this world. My father could 
 
 not help fmiling. As few as any man, Trim, 
 
 replied my uncle Toby ; nor can I fee how a fellow 
 of thy light heart can fuffer^ but from the diftrefs 
 of poverty in thy old age, when thou art paft all 
 
 fervices. Trim, — and baft outlived thy friends. 
 
 An pleafe your Honour, never fear, replied Trim, 
 
 cheerly. But I would have thee never fear, 
 
 Trim, replied my uncle Toby; and tlierefore, con- 
 tinued my uncle Toby, throwing down his crutch, 
 and getting up upon his legs as he uttered the word 
 therefore^ — m recompence. Trim, of thy long fidelity 
 to m.e, and that goodnefs of thy heart I have had 
 fiich proofs of, — whilft thy mafter is worth afhilling, 
 • — thou faalt never aik elfewhere, Trim, for a penny. 
 
 . Trim attempted to thank my uncle Toby, — 
 
 but had not power ; — tears trickled down his 
 cheeks fafter than he could wipe them off. — He 
 laid his hands upon his breaft, — made a bow to 
 the ground, and ihut the door. 
 
 • 1 have left Trim my bovviing-green, cried 
 
 my uncle Toby. — My father fmiled. 1 have left 
 
 him, moreover, a peniion, continued ipy uncle Toby. 
 My father looked grave. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 IS this a fit time, faid my father to himfelf, to 
 talk of 'penfions and grenadiers ? 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 333 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 WHEN my uncle Toby firft mentioned the gre = 
 nadier, my father, I faid, fell down with liis nofe 
 flat to the quilt, and as fuddenly as if my uncle 
 Toby had fliot him ; but it was not added that 
 every other limb and member of my father in- 
 Itantly relapfed, with his nofe, into the fame pre- 
 cife attitude in which he lay firft defcribed ; fo that 
 when Corporal Trim left the room, and my father 
 found himfelf difpofed to rife off the bed,^ — he had 
 all the little preparatory movements to run over 
 again before he could do it. Attitudes are nothings 
 Madam, — 'tis the tranfition from one attitude to 
 another, — like the preparation and refolution of 
 the difcord into harmony, w^hich is all in all. 
 
 For which reafon, my father played the fame jig 
 over again with his toe upon the floor, — puflied 
 the chamber-pot ftill a little fardier within the va- 
 lance, — gave a hem, — raifed himfelf upon his 
 elbow, — and was jaft beginning to addrcls himfelf 
 to my uncle Toby, — when recolle6ling the unfuc- 
 cefsfulnefs of his firft eftbrt in that attitude, — he 
 got upon his legs, and in making the third turn 
 acrofs the room, he flopped fhort before my uncle 
 Toby ; and laying the three firft fingers of his right 
 hand in the palm of his left, and ftooping a little, 
 he addrefled himfelf to my uncle Toby as follows : — 
 
334 
 
 THE LIFE AISD OPHSTIONS 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 WHEN I reflect, brother Toby, upon man ; 
 and take a view of that dark fide of him which re- 
 prefents his life as open to fo many caufes of 
 trouble ;— when I confider, brother Toby, how oft 
 we eat the bread of affliclion, and that we are born 
 
 to it, as to the portion of our inheritance,^ 1 
 
 was born to nothing, quoth my uncle Toby, inter- 
 
 ruptingmy father, — but my commiffion. Zooks ! 
 
 faid my father, did not my uncle leave you a hun- 
 dred and twenty pounds a year? What could I 
 
 have done without it? replied my uncle Toby. 
 
 That's another concern, faid my father, teftily ; — 
 but I fay, Toby, when one runs over the catalogue 
 of all the crofs-reckonings and forrowful items with 
 which the heart of man is overcharged, 'tis wonder- 
 ful by what hidden refources the mind is enabled 
 to ftand it out, and bear itfelf up, as it does, againft 
 
 the impofitions laid upon our nature. Tis by 
 
 the affiftance of Almighty God, cried my uncle 
 Toby, looking up, and preffmg the palms of his 
 hands clofe together, — 'tis notfrom our own ftrength, 
 brother Shandy ; — a fentinel in a wooden fentry- 
 box might as well pretend to ftand it out againft 
 a detachment of fifty men. — ^We are upheld by 
 the grace and the affiftance of the beft of Beings, 
 
 -That is cutting the knot, faid my father, 
 
 inftead of untying it, — But give me leave to lead 
 you, brother Toby, a little deeper into the myf- 
 tery. 
 
 With 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAHDY. 335 
 
 With all my heart, replied my uncle Toby. 
 
 My father inftantly exchanged the attitude he 
 was in, for that in w hich Socrates is fo finely paint- 
 ed by Raphael, in his fchool of Athens ; which 
 your connoiiTeurfliip knows is fo exquifitely ima- 
 gined, that even the particular manner of the 
 reafoning of Socrates is exprelTed by it, — for he 
 holds the fore-finger of his left hand between the 
 fore-finger and the thumb of his right ; and leems 
 as if he was faying to the libertine he is reclaim- 
 ing, — Ton grant me this, — and this: and this^ 
 ^' and this, I don t alk of you; — they follow of 
 *^ tbemfelves in courfe." 
 
 So ftood mv father, holdinj^f faft his fore-fin>^:er 
 betwixt his finger and his thumb, and realbning; 
 with my uncle Toby as he fat in his old fringed 
 chair, valanced around with party-coloured 
 
 worfted bobs. O Garrick! — -what a rich 
 
 fcene of this would thy exquifite powers make! 
 and how gladly would I write fuch another to 
 avail myfelf of thy immortality, and fecure my 
 own behind it! 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 THOUGH man is of all others the moft cu- 
 rious vehicle, faid my father ; yet, at the fame time^ 
 'tis of fo flight a frame, and fo totteringly put 
 together, that the fudden jerks and hard jolthngs 
 it unavoidably meets with in this rugged journey, 
 would overfet and tear it to pieces a dozen time^ 
 
 a day,— 
 
33^ THE LIFE ATsTD OPIXIOXS 
 
 a day^ — was it not, brother Toby, that there is a 
 
 lecret fpring within us. Which Ipring, faid my 
 
 uncle Toby, I take to be Religion. Will that 
 
 fet my child's nofe on? cried my father, letting go 
 his finger, and ftriking one hand againft the other. 
 
 It makes every thing ftraight for us, anfvvered 
 
 my uncle Toby. Figuratively fpeaking, dear 
 
 Toby, it may, for aught I know, faid my father; 
 but the fpring I am Ipeaking of, is that great and 
 elaftic power within us of counterbalancing evil ; 
 •which, like a fecret fpring in a well-ordered ma- 
 chine, though it can't prevent the lliock, — at leaft, 
 it impofes upon our fenfe of it. 
 
 Now^, my dear brother, feid my father, replac- 
 ing his fore-finger, as he was coming clofer to 
 the point, — had my child arrived fafe into the 
 world, unmartyr'd in that precious part of him, — 
 fanciful and extravagant as I may appear to the 
 world in my opinion of chrifiian names, and of 
 that magic bias which good or bad names irre- 
 liftibly imprefs upon our chavafters and conduSts, 
 — Heaven is witnefs, that in the warnieft tranfports 
 of my wifhes for the profperity of my child, I 
 never once wiilied to crovvn his head with more 
 glory and honour than Avhat George or Edward 
 would liave fpread around it. 
 
 But, alas ! continued m^y father, as the greateft 
 evil has befallen him,— I mult coanieraQ: and undo 
 it with the greateft good. 
 
 He ihall be chriitened Triihiegiftus, brother. 
 
 I wi& it may aiiuver, — replied my uncle Toby^ 
 rifmg up. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 
 
 337 
 
 CflAP. IX. 
 
 WHx\T a chapter of chances, faid my father, 
 turning himfelf about upon the firft landing, as 
 he and my uncle Toby were going down ftairs ! 
 — what a long chapter of chances do the events 
 of this world lay open to us ! Take pen and ink 
 in hand, brother Toby, and calculate it fairly. 
 
 1 know no more of calculation than this 
 
 baluftrade, faid my uncle Toby (ftriking fhort 
 of it with his crutch, and hitting my father a def- 
 perate blow foufe upon his ftiin-bone). — 'Twas 
 
 a hundred to one, — cried my uncle Toby 1 
 
 thought, quoth my father (rubbing his ftiin) you 
 had known nothing of calculations, brother Toby. 
 
 'Twas a mere chance, faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 Then it adds one to the chapter, — replied 
 
 my father. 
 
 The double fuccefs of my fathers repartees 
 tickled off the pain of his fhin at once: — it was 
 well it fo fell out — (chance ! again) — or the world 
 to this day had never known the fubjefil of my 
 father's calculation ; — to guefs it, — there was no 
 chance. — What a lucky chapter of chances has 
 this turned out ! for it has faved me the trouble of 
 writing one exprefs; and in truth I have enough 
 already upon my hands without it. — Have not 
 I promifed the world a chapter of knots? two 
 chapters upon the right and wrong end of a 
 woman ? a chapter upon whilkers ? a chapter upon 
 wifties? — a chapter of nofes?™ No; I have done 
 
 VOL. I, z that,— 
 
338 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 that, — a chapter upon my uncle Toby's modefty ? 
 to fay nothing of a chapter upon chapters, which 
 I will finilh before I fleep. — By my great grand- 
 father s whifliers, I fhall never get half of 'em 
 through this year. 
 
 Take pen and ink in hand, and calculate it 
 fairly, brother Toby, faid my father ; and it will 
 turn out a million to one, that of all the parts of 
 the body, the edge of the forceps fhould have the 
 ill luck juft to fall upon and break down that one 
 part, which fhould break down the fortunes of our 
 houfe with it. 
 
 It might have been worfe, replied my uncle 
 
 Toby. 1 don't comprehend, faid my father. 
 
 ' Suppofe the hip had prefented, replied my 
 
 uncle Toby, as Dr. Slop foreboded ? 
 
 My father refleCled half a minute, — looked 
 down, — touched the middle of his forehead flightly 
 with his finger— 
 
 — True, laid he. 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 IS it not a fhame to make two chapters of what 
 paffed in, going down one pair of ftairs? for we 
 are got no farther yet than the firft landing, and 
 there are fifteen more fteps down to the bottom ; 
 and, for aught I know, as my father and my uncle 
 Toby are in a talking humour, there may be as 
 many chapters as fteps. Let that be as it will, 
 Sir, I can no more help it than my deftiny.— 
 6 A fudden 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAl^DY* 33g 
 
 A fudden impulfe comes acrofs me: — drop the 
 curtain, Shandy : — I drop it. — Strike a line here 
 acrofs the paper, Triftram : — I ftrike it, — and hey 
 for a new chapter. 
 
 The deuce of any other rule have I to govern 
 myfelf in this affair; — and if I had one, — as I do 
 all things out of all rule, — I would twift it and 
 tear it to pieces, and throw it into the fire when 
 I had done. — Am I warm? I am, and the caufe 
 demands it: — a pretty ftory! is a man to follow 
 rules,— or rules to follow him? 
 
 Now this, you muft know, being my chapter 
 upon chapters, which I promifed to write before 
 I went to fleep, I thought it meet to eafe my 
 confcience entirely before I laid down, by telling 
 the world all I knew^ about the matter at once. 
 Is not this ten times better than to fet out dog- 
 matically with a fententious parade of wifdom, 
 and telling the world a ftory of a roafted horfe ? 
 — that chapters relieve the mind, — that they affift, 
 — or impofe upon the imagination, — ^and that in a 
 work of this dramatic caft they are as neceffary as 
 the fhiftiog of fcenes, — with fifty other cold con- 
 ceits, enough to extinguifh the fire which roafted 
 him ! O ! but to underftand this, which is a puff 
 at the fire of Diana's temple, — you muft read 
 Longinus : — read away: — if you are not a jot the 
 wifer by reading him the firft time over, — never 
 fear, — read him again. — Avicenna and Licetus 
 read Ariftotle's IMetaphyfics forty times through a- 
 piec^, and never underftood a fingle word ! — But 
 mark the confequence,— Avicenna turned out a 
 
 z 2 defperate 
 
34^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 defperate writer at all kinds of writing ; —for he 
 wrote books de omni Jcribili ; and for Licetus 
 
 (Fortunio) though all the world knows he was 
 
 born a foetus of no more than five inches and a 
 half in length, yet he grew to that aftonifhing 
 height in literature, as to write a book with a 
 title as long as himfelf The learned know I 
 mean his GonoffychanthrOpologia, upon the Origin 
 of the Human SouL 
 
 * Ce foetus n'etoit pas plus grand que la paume de la. 
 main ; mais fon pere I'ayant examine en qualite de Me- 
 decin, Ik ayant trouve que c'eioit quelque chofe de plus 
 qu'un Embroyon, lei fit tranfporler tout vivant a Rapallo, 
 ou il le fit voir k Jerome Bardi & k d'autres Medecins du 
 lieu. Oh trouva qu'il ne lui manquoit rien d'efTentiel k la 
 yie; & fon pere pour faire voir un effai de fon experience, 
 entreprit d'achever Touvrage de la Nature, & de travailler 
 a la formation de TEnfant avec le meme artifice que celui 
 dont on fe fert pour faire ecclore les Poulets en Egypte. 
 II inftruifit une Nourifle de tout ce qu'elle avoit a faire, & 
 ayant fait mettre fon fils dans un pour proprement accom- 
 mode, il recufiit a Telever <^ 'k lui faire prendre fes ac- 
 cfoiffemens neceffaires, par Funiformite d'une, chaleur 
 etrangere mefuree exadenient fur les degres d'un Ther- 
 mometre, ou d*un autre infirument equivalent. (Vide 
 Mich. Giuftinian, ne gli Scritt. Liguri k Cart. 223. 418.) 
 
 On auroit toujours ete tr^s fatisfait de Tindufiirie d'un 
 pere fi experimente dans I'Art de la Generation quand il 
 n'auroit p^i prolonger la vie a fon fils que pour quelques 
 mois, ou pour peu d'annees, 
 
 Mais quand on fe reprefente que TEnfant a vc^u pres 
 de quatre-vingts ans, & qu'il a compofe quatre-vingts 
 Ouvrages differents tous fruits d'une longue ledure — il 
 faut convenirque tout ce qui efi: incroyable n'efl pas toujours 
 faux, & que la Vraifemblance n'eft pas toujours du cote 
 delaVerite." 
 
 II n'avoit que dix neuf ans lorfqu'il compofa Gonopfy- 
 chanthropologia de Origine Anima? humana^. 
 
 (Les Enfans celebres, rev{is & corriges par M. de la 
 Monnoye de TAcademie Franjoife.) 
 
 So 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 341 
 
 So much for my chapter upon chapters, which 
 I hold to be the beft chapter in my whole work ; 
 and, take my word, whoever reads it, is full as well 
 employed as in picking ftraws. 
 
 CHAP, XI. 
 
 WE ihall bring all things to rights, faid my 
 father, fetting his foot upon the firft ftep from the 
 landing. — This Trifmegiftus, continued my father, 
 drawing his leg back, and turning to my uncle 
 Toby, — was the greateft (Toby) of all earthly 
 beings ; — he was the greateft king, — the greateft 
 lawgiver, — the greateft philofopher, — and the great- 
 eft prieft ; and engineer, — faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 —In courfe, faid my father. 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 ' — AND how does your Miftrefs ? cried my fa- 
 ther, taking the fame ftep over again from the land- 
 ing, and calling to Sufannah, whom he faw paffmg by 
 the foot of the ftairs with a huge pin-cufliion in her 
 
 hand, — ^How does your Miftrefs ? As well, faid 
 
 Sufannah, tripping by, but without looking up, as 
 
 can be expefted. What a fool am 1 ! faid my 
 
 father, drawing his leg back again,^ — let things be 
 as they will, brother Toby, 'tis ever the precife 
 
 anfwer. — And how is the child, pray? No 
 
 anfwer. — And where is Dr. Slop ? added my father, 
 
 z 3 raifing 
 
342 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 raifing his voice aloud, and looking over the 
 baluftrades. — Sufannah was out of hearing. 
 
 Of all the riddles of a married life, faid my 
 father, croffing the landing, in order to fet his back 
 againft the wall whilft he propounded it to my uncle 
 Toby, — -of all the puzzling riddles, faid he, in the 
 marriage-ftate, — of which you may truft me, bro- 
 ther Toby, there are more affes loads than all Job s 
 ftock of affes could have carried, — there is not one 
 that has more intricacies in ittlian this : — that from 
 the very moment the miftrefs of the houfe is brought 
 to bed, every female in it, from my lady's gentle- 
 woman down to the cinder-wench, becomes an inch 
 taller for it ; and give themfelves more airs upon 
 that fmgle inch, than all their other inches put 
 together. 
 
 I think rather, replied my uncle Toby, that 'tis 
 w^e who fmk an inch lower. — If I meet but a 
 woman with child, — I do it. — 'Tis a heavy tax 
 upon that half of our fellow-creatures, brother 
 Shandy, faid my uncle Toby. — ^Tis a piteous 
 burden upon 'em, continued he, lhaking his head. 
 
 Yes, yes, 'tis a painful thing, — faid my father, 
 
 fhaking his head too : — but certainly fmce ftiaking 
 of heads came into faftiion, never did two heads 
 fhake together, in concert, from two fuch different 
 fprings. 
 
 De^cetake]'^"^ all -faid my uncle Toby and 
 my father ; each to himfelf. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 343 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 HOLLA! — you, chairman! — here's fixpenee: 
 — do ftep into that bookleller s fhop, and call me a 
 day 'tall critic. I am very willing to give any one of 
 'em a crown to help me with his tackling, to get my 
 father and my uncle Toby off tlie ftairs, and to put 
 them to bed. 
 
 — 'Tis even high time ; for, except a ftiort nap, 
 which they both got whilft Trim was boring the 
 jack-boots, — and which, by the bye, did my father 
 no fort of good, upon the fcore of the bad hinge, 
 — they have not elfe fhut their eyes fince nine hours 
 before the time that Do6lor Slop was led into the 
 back parlour in that dirty pickle by Obadiah. 
 
 Was every day of my hfe to be as buly a day as 
 this, — and to take up Truce : 
 
 I will not finifh that fentence till I have made 
 an obfervation upon tlie ftrange ftate of affairs 
 between the reader and myfelf, juft as things ftand 
 at prefent : — an obfervation never applicable be- 
 fore to any one biographical writer lince the crea- 
 tion of the world, but to myfelf; — and, I believe, 
 will never hold good to any other, until its final 
 deftrufilion ; — and, therefore, for the very novelty 
 of it alone, it muft be worth your Worftiips attend- 
 ing to. 
 
 I am this month one whole year older than I was 
 this time twelvemonth ; and having got, as you per- 
 ceive, almoft into the middle of my fourth volume*. 
 
 • According to the original editions, 
 
 z 4 and 
 
344 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 — and no farther than to my firft day's life, — 'tis 
 demonftrative that I have 364 days more life to 
 write juft now, than when I firft fet out; fo that, 
 inftead of advancing, as a common writer, in my 
 work with what I have been doing at it ; — on the 
 contrary, I am juft thrown fo many volumes back. 
 — Was every day of my life to be as bufy a day 
 as this, — And why not? — and the tranlaClions 
 and opinions of it to take up as much defcription, — 
 And for what reafon ihould they be cut fhort? as 
 at this rate I ftiould juft live 364 times fafter than 
 I fliould write, — it muft follow, an' pleafe your 
 Worftiips, that the more I write, the more I ihall 
 have to write, — and, confequently, the more your 
 Worfhips read, the more your Worfhips will have 
 to read. 
 
 Will this be good for your Worfhips eyes ? 
 
 It will do well for mine ; and, was it not that my 
 Opinions will be the death of me, I perceive I fliall 
 lead a fine life of it out of this felf-fame Life of 
 mine ; or, in other words, fhall lead a couple of 
 fine lives together. 
 
 As for the propofal of twelve volumes a year, 
 or a volume a month, it no way alters my prof- 
 pe6t : — write as I will, and rulh as I may into 
 the niiddle of things, as Horace advifes, — fhall 
 never overtake myfclf, whipp'd and driven to the 
 laft pinch. At the worft, I lhall have one day the 
 ftart of my pen, — and one day is enough for two 
 volumes ; — and two volumes will be enough for one 
 year. — 
 
 Heaven proipcr the manufacturers of paper 
 
 under 
 
TRISTRAM SHANDY. 345 
 
 under this propitious reign, which is now opened 
 to us ! — as I truft its providence will profper every 
 thing elfe in it that is taken in hand. 
 
 As for the propagation of geefe, — I give myfelf 
 no concern, — Nature is all-bountiful; — ^Ifliall never 
 want tools to work with. 
 
 — So then, friend, you have got my father and 
 my uncle Toby off the ftairs, and feen them to 
 bed ? — And how did you manage it ? — You dropp'd 
 a curtain at the ftair-foot. — I thought you had 
 no other way for it. — Here's a crown for your 
 trouble. 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 
 — THEN reach my breeches off the chair, faid 
 
 my father to Sufannah. There is not a moment s 
 
 time to drefs you, Sir, cried Sufannah, — the child is 
 
 as black in the face as my As your what ? faid 
 
 my father; for, like all orators, he was a dear 
 
 fearcher into comparifons. Blefs me. Sir, faid 
 
 Sufannah, the child's in a fit. And where s Mr. 
 
 Yorick ? Never where he fhould be, faid 
 
 Sufannah ; but his curate s in the dreffing-room, 
 with the child upon his arm, waiting for the name; 
 — and my Miftrefs bid me run as faft as I could to 
 know, as Captain Shandy is the godfather, whether 
 it fhould not be called after him ? 
 
 Were one fure, faid my father to himfelf, fcratch- 
 ing his eyebrow, that the child was expiring, one 
 might as well compliment my brother Toby as not, 
 
 ' — and 
 
34^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 — and it would be a pity, in fuch a cafe, to throw 
 away fo great a name as Trifmegiftus upon him : — - 
 but he may recover. 
 
 No, no, — laid my father to Sufannah, I'll get up. 
 
 There is no time, cried Sufannah, the child's 
 
 as black as my flioe. Trifmegiftus, faid my father. 
 
 - — But ftay, — thou art a leaky veffel, Sufannah, 
 added my father ; canft thou carry Trifmegiftus in 
 thy head the length of the gallery without fcatter- 
 
 ing ? Can I ? cried Sufannah, fhutting the door 
 
 in a huff. If Ihe can, I'll be fliot, laid my father, 
 
 bouncing out of bed in the dark, and groping for 
 his breeches. 
 
 Sufannah ran with all fpeed along the gallery. 
 
 My father made all poffible fpeed to find his 
 breeches. 
 
 Sufannah got the ftart and kept it — 'Tis Trif — 
 
 fomething, cried Sufannah. There is no chriftian 
 
 name in the world, faid the curate, beginning with 
 
 Trif — , but Triftram. ^Then 'tis Triitram-giftus, 
 
 quoth Sufannah. 
 
 There is no giftus to it, noodle ! — 'tis my 
 
 own name, replied the curate, dipping his hand, as 
 he fpoke, into the bafon; Triftram ! faid he, &c. &c. 
 &c. &c. : — fo Triftram was I called, and Triftram 
 ftiall I be to the day of my death. 
 
 My father followed Sufannah, with his night- 
 gown acrofs his arm, wath nothing more than his 
 breeches on ; faftened, through hafte, with but a 
 fmgle button; and that button, through hafte, 
 thruft only half into the button-hole. 
 
 She has not forgot the name ? cried my 
 
 father^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 347 
 
 father, half-opening the door. No, no, faid the 
 
 curate, with a tone of intelligence. And the 
 
 child is better, cried Sufannah. And how does 
 
 your Miltrefs ? As well, laid Sufannah, as can 
 
 be expected. Pilh ! faid my father, the button 
 
 of his breeches flipping out of the button-hole; — 
 fo that whether the interjeftion w^as levelled at 
 Sufannah, or the button-hole ; — w hether Pifli was 
 an interjeftion of contempt, or an interjection of 
 modefty, is a doubt ; and muft be a doubt till I 
 fliall have time to write the three follow ing favourite 
 chapters; that is. My chapter of chamber-maids, 
 my chapter of piihes, and my chapter of button- 
 holes. 
 
 All the light I am able to give the reader at 
 prefent is this, That the moment my father cried 
 Pifli! he whifli'd himfelf about, — and with his 
 breeches held up by one hand, and his night-gown 
 thrown acrofs the arm of the other, he returned 
 along the gallery to bed, fomething flower than he 
 came. 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 I WISH I could write a chapter upon fleep. 
 
 A fitter occafion could never have prefented itfelf, 
 than what this moment offers, when all the curtains 
 of the family are drawn, — the candles put out, — 
 and no creature's eyes are open but a Angle one ; 
 for the other has been fliut thefe twenty years, of 
 my mother's nurfe. 
 
 It is a fine fubje6l. 
 
 And 
 
 I 
 
348 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 And yet, as fine as it is, I would undertake to 
 write a dozen chapters upon button-holes, both 
 quicker and with more fame, than a fingle chapter 
 upon this. 
 
 Button-holes! there is fomething lively in the 
 very idea of 'em ; — and truft me, when I get 
 amongft em, — ^you gentry with great beards, — look 
 as grave as you will, — I'll make merry work with 
 my button-holes, — I ihallhave 'em all to myfelf, — 
 'tis a maiden fubjeSt, — I fhall run foul of no mans 
 wifdom or fine fayings in it. 
 
 But for fleep, — I know I fhall make nothing of 
 it before I begin :^ — I am no dab at your fine fayings 
 in the firft place; — and in the next, I cannot for 
 my foul fet a grave face upon a bad matter, — and 
 tell the world, 'tis the refuge of the unfortunate, — 
 the enfranchifement of the prifoner, — the downy 
 lap of the hopelefs, the weary, and the broken- 
 hearted ; nor could I fet ont with a lie in my 
 mouth, by affirming, that of all the foft and deli- 
 cious funftions of our nature, by which the great 
 Author of it, in his bounty, has been pleafed to 
 recompenfe the fufferings wherewith his juftice and 
 his good pleafure has m earied us, — that this is the 
 chiefeft (I know pleafures worth ten of it) ; — or 
 what a happinefs it is to man, when the anxieties 
 and paffions of the day are over, and he lies down 
 upon his back, that his foul ihall be fo feated within 
 him, that whichever way fhe turns her eyes, the 
 heavens fhall look calm and fweet above her,— no 
 defire, — or fear, — or doubt that troubles the air; 
 nor any difficulty paft, prefent, or to come, that the 
 
 imagination 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDl^ 34() 
 
 imagination may not pafs over without offence, in 
 that fweet feceflion. 
 
 " God's bleffing," faid Sancho Panj^a, " be 
 upon the man who firft invented this felf- 
 " fame thing called Sleep : — it covers a man all 
 " over like a cloke." — Now there is more to me 
 in this, and it fpeaks warmer to my heart and 
 affeftions, than all the dilfertations fqueez'd out 
 of the heads of the learned together upon the 
 fubjeSt. 
 
 — Not that I altogether difapprove of what 
 IVIontaigne advances upon it; — 'tis admirable in 
 its way: — (I quote by memory,) 
 
 The world enjoys other pleafures, fays he, as 
 they do that of fleep, without tafting or feeling 
 it as it flips and paifes by. — W^e fliould ftudy and 
 ruminate upon it, in order to render proper thanks 
 
 to him who grants it to us. For this end I 
 
 caufe myfelf to be difturbed in my fleep, that I 
 
 may the better and more fenfibly relifli it: 
 
 and yet I fee few^, fays he again, who live with lefs 
 fleep, when need requires : my body is capable of 
 a firm, but not of a violent and fudden agitation,— 
 I evade of late all violent exercifes — ,1 am never 
 weary with walking; — but from my youth, I 
 never liked to ride upon pavements. 1 love to 
 lie hard and alone, and even without my wife* 
 
 This laft word may ftagger the faith of the 
 
 world; — but remember, La Vraifemblance (as 
 " Bayle fays in the affair of Liceti) " n'eft pas 
 
 toujours du C6te de la Verity." And fo 
 
 much for fleep. 
 
350 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 IF my wife will but venture him, — brother 
 Toby, Trifmegiftus fliall be drefs'd and brought 
 down to us, whilft you and I are getting our 
 breakfafts together. 
 
 Go, tell Sufannah, Obadiah, to ftep here. 
 
 She is run up ftairs, anfwered Obadiah, this 
 very inftant, lobbing and crying, and wringing her 
 hands as if her heart would break. • 
 
 We fhall have a rare month of it, faid my 
 father, turning his head from Obadiah, and look- 
 ing wiftfully in my uncle Toby's face for fome 
 time, — we fhall have a devilifh month of it, bro- 
 ther Toby, faid my father, fetting his arms 
 akimbo, and fhaking his head: fire, water, 
 women, wind, brother Toby ! 'Tis fome misfor- 
 tune, quoth my uncle Toby. That it is, cried 
 
 my father, to have fo many jarring elements 
 breaking loofe, and riding triumph in every cor- 
 ner of a gentleman's houfe. — Little boots it to 
 the peace of a family, brother Toby, that you 
 and I poflfefs ourfelves, and fit here filent and 
 unmov'd, — whilfi: fuch a ftorm is whiftling over 
 our heads. — 
 
 And what's the matter, Sufannah? They 
 
 have called the child Triftram ; — and my miftrefs 
 
 is juft got out of an hyfteric fit about it. No! — 
 
 'tis not my fault, faid Sufannah, — I told him it was 
 Triftram-giftus. 
 
 Make tea for yourfelf, brother Toby, 
 
 fdid 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 35 1 
 
 faid my father, taking down his hat ; — but how 
 different from the lallies and agitations of voice 
 and members which a common reader would 
 imagine ! 
 
 — For he fpake in the fweeteft modulation, — 
 and took down his hat with the genteeleft movement 
 of limbs that ever affliction harmonized and attuned 
 together. 
 
 Go to the bowling-green for Corporal 
 
 Trim, faid my uncle Toby, fpeaking to Obadiah, 
 as foon as my father left the room. 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 WHEN the misfortune of my Nose fell fo 
 heavily upon my father's head, — the reader re- 
 members that he walked inftantly up ftairs, and 
 caft himfelf down upon his bed ; and from hence, 
 unlefs he has a great infight into human nature, 
 he will be apt to expefil a rotation of the fame 
 afcending and defcending movements from him, 
 upon this misfortune of my Name. — No. 
 
 The different w^eight, dear Sir, — nay, even the 
 different package of two vexations of the fame 
 weight, — makes a very wide difference in our 
 manners of bearing and getting through with 
 them. — It is not half an hour ago, when (in the 
 great hurry and precipitation of a poo^ Devils 
 writing for daily bread) I threw a fair fheet^ 
 which I had juft finilhed, and carefully wrote 
 cut, flap into the fire^ inftead of the foul one, 
 
 Inftantjy 
 
352 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Inftantly I fnatched oft' my wig, and threw it 
 perpendicularly, with all imaginable violence, up 
 to the top of the room : — indeed I caught it as it 
 fell; — but there was an end of the matter; nor do 
 I think any thing elfe in Nature would have given 
 fuch immediate eafe. She, dear goddefs, by an 
 inftantaneous impulfe, in all provoking cajes^ deter- 
 mines us to a fally of this or that member, — or elfe 
 Ihe thrufts us into this or that place, or pofture of 
 body, we know not why: — but mark, Madam, we 
 live amongft riddles and myfteries : — the moft ob- 
 vious things which come in our way have dark 
 fides, which the quickeft fight cannot penetrate into; 
 and even the cleareft and moft exalted under- 
 ftandings amongft us find ourfelves puzzled and at 
 a lols in almoft every cranny of Nature's works : 
 fo that this, like a thoufand other things, falls out 
 for us in a way, which, tho' we cannot realbn upon 
 it, yet we find the good of it, may it pleafe your 
 Reverences and your Worfcips, — and that's 
 enough for us. 
 
 Now, my father could not lie down with this 
 affliction for his life, — nor could he carry it up 
 ftairs like the other; — he walked compofedly out 
 w ith it to the filh-pond. 
 
 Had my father leaned his head upon his hand, 
 and reafoned an hour which way to have gone, — 
 Reafon, with all her force, could not have directed 
 him to any thing like it : there is fomething, Sir, 
 in filh-ponds ; — but what it is, I leave to fyftem- 
 builders and fifli-pond-diggers betwixt em to find 
 out; — but there is fomething, under the firft dil- 
 
 orderlj 
 
OP TRISTRAM SHANDY. 353 
 
 orderly tranfport of the humours, fo unaccountably 
 becalming in an orderly and a Ibber walk towards 
 one of them, that I have often wondered that neither 
 Pythagoras, nor Plato, nor Solon, nor Lycurgus, 
 nor Mahomet, nor any one of your noted law- 
 givers, ever gave order about them. 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 YOUR Honour, faidTrim, fliuttingthe parlour- 
 door before he began to fpeak, has heard, I ima- 
 gine, of this unlucky accident. O yes. Trim, 
 
 faid my uncle Toby, and it gives me great concern. 
 
 1 am heartily concerned too; but, I hope, 
 
 your Honour, replied Trim, will do me the juftice 
 to believe, that it was not in the leaft owing to me. 
 
 ^To thee, — Trim? — cried my uncle Toby, 
 
 looking kindly in his face, — ^'twas Sufannah's and 
 
 the curate s folly betwixt them. What bufinefe 
 
 could they have together, an' pleale your Honour, 
 in the garden? In the gallery thou meaneft, re- 
 plied my uncle Toby. 
 
 Trim found he was upon a wrong fcent, and 
 
 Hopped ftiort with a low bovv. Two misfortunes, 
 
 quoth the Corporal to himfelf, are twice as many at 
 leaft as are needful to be talked over at one time ; 
 — the mifchief the cow has done in breaking into 
 the fortifications, may be told his Honour here- 
 after. Trim's cafuiftry and addrefs, under the 
 
 cover of his low^ bow, prevented all fufpicion in my 
 
 VOL. I. A A ^ uncle 
 
354 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 uncle Toby ; fo he went on with what he had to 
 fay to Trim as follows : 
 
 For mv own part, Trim, though I can fee 
 
 little or no ditFerence betwixt my nephew's being 
 called Triftram or Trifmegiftus ; — yet as the thing 
 fits fo near my brother s heart, Trim, — I would 
 freely have given a hundred pounds rather than it 
 
 fliould have happened. A hundred pounds, an' 
 
 pleafe vour Honour ! replied Trim, — I would not 
 
 give a cherry-ftone to boot. Nor would I, Trim, 
 
 upon my own account, quoth my uncle Toby; — but 
 my brother, whom there is no arguing with in this 
 cafe, — maintains that a great deal more depends, 
 Trim, upon chriftian-names than what ignorant 
 people imagine; — for he fays there never was a 
 great or heroic action performed fince the world 
 began, by one called 1 riftram. — Nay, he will have it, 
 Trim, that a man can neither be learned, or wife, or 
 
 brave. 'Tis all fancy, an pleafe your Honour: 
 
 — I foucfht juft as well, replied the Corporal, when 
 the regiment called me Trim, as when they called 
 
 me James Butler. And for my own part, faid 
 
 my uncle Toby, tho' I fliould blufti to boaft of 
 myfelf. Trim; — yet, had my name been Alexander, 
 I could have done no more at Namur than my 
 duty. Blefs your Honour! cried Trim, ad- 
 vancing three fteps as he fpoke, does a man think 
 of his chriftian-name when he goes upon the attack ? 
 
 • Or when he ftands in the trench, Trim ? 
 
 cried my uncle Toby, looking firm. Or when 
 
 he enters a breach ? faid Trim, puiliing in between 
 
 two cliairs.-^ Or forces the lines? cried my 
 
 uncle^ 
 
I 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 355 
 
 uncle, rifing up, and pufhing his crutch like a 
 
 pike. Or facing a platoon? cried Trim, pre- 
 
 fenting his ftick like a firelock. Or when he 
 
 marches up the glacis? cried my uncle loby, 
 looking warm, and letting his foot upon his 
 ftool — — 
 
 CHAP. XIX. 
 
 MY father was returned from his walk to the 
 filh-pond, — and opened the parlour-door in the 
 very height of the attack, juft as my uncle Toby 
 was marching up the glacis. — ^Trim recovered his 
 arms. — Never was my uncle Toby caught riding 
 at fuch a defperate rate in his life ! Alas ! my uncle 
 Toby ! had not a weightier matter called forth all 
 the ready eloquence of my father, — how hadft thou 
 then, and thy poor hobby-horfe too, been infulted ! 
 
 My father hung up his hat with the fame air he 
 took it down ; and, after giving a flight look at the 
 diforder of the room, he took hold of one of the 
 chairs which had formed the corporal's breach, and 
 placing it over againft my uncle Toby, he fat down 
 in it, and as foon as the tea-things were taken away, 
 and the door ihut, he broke out in a lamentation as 
 follows : 
 
 MY father's lamentation. 
 
 IT IS in vain longer, faid my father, addreffmg 
 himfelf as much to Ernulphus's curfe, which was 
 A A 2 laid 
 
35^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 laid upon the corner of the chimney-piece,— as to 
 my uncle Toby, who fat under it ; — it is in vain 
 longer, faid my father, » in the moft querulous mo* 
 notony imaginable, to ftruggle as I have done 
 againft this moft uncomfortable of human perfua- 
 fions. — I lee it plainly, that either for my own fins, 
 brother Toby, or the fins and follies of the Shandy 
 family, Heaven has thought fit to draw forth the 
 heavieft of its artillery againft me ; and that the 
 profperity of my child is the point upon which the 
 whole force of it is directed to play.- — Such a thing 
 w^ould batter the whole univerfe about oar ears, 
 brother Shandy, faid my uncle Toby, if it was fo. 
 
 Unhappy Triftram! child of wrath ! child of 
 
 decrepitude ! interrruption ! miftake ! and difcon- 
 tent ! What one misfortune or dliafter in the book 
 of embryotic evils, that could unmechanize thy 
 frame or entangle thy filaments, which has not 
 fallen upon thy head, ere ever thou cameft into the 
 world! — what evils in thy pafiage into it! — what 
 evils fince ! — produced into being, in the decline of 
 thy father s days, — when the powers of his imagi- 
 nation and of his body were waxing feeble, — when 
 radical heat and radical moifture, the elements 
 which ftiould have temper d thine, were drying up; 
 and nothing left to found thy ftamina in, but nega- 
 tions ! — 'Tis pitiful, — brother Toby, at the beft, and 
 called out for all the little helps that care and atten- 
 tion on both fides could give it. But how were we 
 defeated ! You know the event, brother Toby ! — ^ 
 'tis too melancholy a one to be repeated now, — - 
 when the few animal fpirits I was worth in the 
 
 worlds 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 357 
 
 world, and with which memory, fancy, and quick 
 parts fliould have been convey'd, — were all dif- 
 perfed, confufed, confounded, fcattered, and fent to 
 the devil ! — 
 
 Here then was the time to have put a ftop to 
 this perfecution againft him, — and tried an experi- 
 ment at leaft, — whether cabiinefs and ferenity of 
 mind in your fifter, with a due attention, brother 
 Toby, to her evacuations and repletions, — and the 
 reft of her non-naturals, might not, in the courfe of 
 nine months geftation, have fet all things to rights. 
 — My child was bereft of thefe ! — What a teafing 
 life did flie lead herfelf, and, confequently, her 
 foetus too, with that nonfenfical anxiety of hers 
 
 about lying-in in town ! -I thought my fifter 
 
 liibmitted with the greateft patience, replied my 
 uncle Toby; — I never heard her utter one fretful 
 
 word about it. She fumed inwardly, cried my 
 
 father ; and that, let me tell you, brother, was ten 
 times worfe for the child, — and then, what battles 
 did ftie fight with me! and what perpetual ftorms 
 
 about the midwife ! There llie gave vent, laid 
 
 my uncle Toby,^ Vent ! cried my father, look- 
 ing up. 
 
 But what Avas all this, my dear Toby, to the 
 injuries done us by my child's coming head fore- 
 moft into the world, when all I wiftied, in this 
 general wreck of his frame, was to have laved this 
 little caiket unbroke, unrifled ! — 
 
 With all my precautions, how was my fyftem turn- 
 ed topfy-turvy in the womb with my child ! his head 
 expofed to the hand of violence, and a preffare of 
 A A 3 470 pounds 
 
358 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 470 pounds avoirdupois weight a6:ing fo perpendi- 
 cularly upon its apex, — that, at this hour, 'tis ninety 
 fer cent. inAirance, that the fine net-work of the 
 intcll: flual web be not rent and torn to a thouland 
 tatters. 
 
 Still w e could have done! — Fool, Coxcomb, 
 
 Puppy,— give him but a Ncje; — Cripple, Dwarf, 
 Driveller, Goofecap, — (lhape him as you will) 
 the door of iortune ftands op( n, — O Licetus ! 
 Licetus ! had I been bleft with a foetus five inches 
 loncf and a half, like thee,— Fate might have done 
 her worft. 
 
 Still, brother Toby, there was one caft of the dye 
 left lor our child, after all : — OTriftram ! Triftram! 
 Triftram ! 
 
 We will fend for Mr. Yorick, faid my uncle 
 Toby. 
 
 You may fend for whom you will, replied 
 
 my father. 
 
 CHAP. XX. 
 
 WHAT a rate have I gone on at, curvetting and 
 friiking it away, two up and two down, for three 
 volumes^ together, without looking once behind, 
 or even on one fide of me, to fee whom I trod 
 
 upon FU tread upon no one, quoth 1 to my- 
 
 felf, when I mounted ;— Fll take a good rattling 
 gallop; but Fll not hurt the pooreft jack-afs 
 upon the road. — So off I fet, — up one lane,— 
 
 * According to the original editions. 
 
 down 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 359 
 
 down another, through this turnpike, — over that, 
 as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind 
 me. 
 
 Now, ride at this rate with what good intention 
 and refolution you may, — 'tis a milhon to one you'll 
 do fome one a mifchief, if not yourielf — He's 
 flung, he s off, — he's loft his feat, — he's down, — • 
 hell break his neck ! — lee ! if he has not gallopped 
 full among the fcaffolding of the undertaking critics ! 
 • — he'll knock his brains out ag:ainft fome of their 
 pofts ! — he's bounced out ! — look, — he's now riding 
 like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of 
 painters, fiddlers, poets, biographers, phyficians, 
 lawyers, logicians, players, fchoolmen, churchmen, 
 ftatefmen, foldiers, caluiits, connoiffeurs, prelates, 
 popes, and engineers. — Don t fear, faid I, —I'll not 
 hurt the pooreft jack-afs upon the king's highway, 
 
 But your horie throws dirt : fee, you've Iplafti'd 
 
 a bilhop ! — I hope in God, 'twas only Ernul* 
 phus, faid I. — But you have fquirted full in the 
 faces of Meff. Le Moyne, De Romigny, and 
 De Marcilly, doftors of the Sorbonne. — That 
 was Idft year, replied I. — But you have trod this 
 moment upon a king. — Kings have bad times 
 on't, laid I, to be trod upon by fuch people as 
 me. 
 
 You have done itj replied my accufer. 
 
 I deny it, quoth I, and fo have got off, and here 
 am I ftanding with my bridle in one hand, and 
 
 with my cap in the other, to tell my ftory.- 
 
 And what is it? -You fliall hear in the next 
 
 chapter. 
 
 A A 4 
 
36o 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXI. 
 
 AS Francis the Firft, of France, was one winterly 
 night warmincf hinifelf over the embers of a wood- 
 fire, and talking with his firft minifter of fundry 
 thins^s for the good ot the ftate — it would not be 
 amifs, laid the km^, Itirring up the embers with his 
 cane, if this good underftanding betwixt ourfelves 
 
 and S itzeriand was a little ftrengthened.- 
 
 There is no end, Sire, replied the minifter, in giving 
 money to thefe people, — they would iwallow up 
 
 the treafury of Frduce. Poo ! poo ! anfwered 
 
 the king, — there are more ways, Monf. le Premier, 
 of bribing ftates, befides that of giving money ; — 
 111 pay Switzerland the honour of ftanding godfather 
 
 for my next child. Your majefty, faid the 
 
 minifter, in fo doing, would have all the gramma- 
 rians in Europe upon your back ; — Switzerland, as 
 a republic, being a female, can in no conftruftion be 
 
 godfather. She may be godmother, replied 
 
 Francis, haftily; — fo, announce my intentions by a 
 courier to-morrow morning, 
 
 I am aftoninied, faid Francis the Firft (that day 
 fortnight) 1 peaking to his minifter as he entered 
 the clolet, that we have had no anfwer from Swit- 
 zerland. Sire, I wait upon you this moment, 
 
 faid .\fonf. le Premier, to lay before you my dif- 
 
 patches upon that bulinefs.— They take it kindly, 
 
 laid tne kmg.-— Ihey do, Sire, replied the mi- 
 
 * Vide Menagiana, Vol. I. 
 
 nifter^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 361 
 
 nifter, and have the higheft fenfe of the honour 
 your majefty has done them; — but the republic, as 
 godmother, claims her right, in this cafe, of naming 
 the child. 
 
 In all reafon, quoth the king ; — fiie will chriften 
 him Francis, or Henry, or Lewis, or fome other 
 
 name that flie knows will be agreeable to us. • 
 
 Your majefty is deceived, replied the minifter. — 
 I have this hour received a difpatch from our 
 refident, with the determination of the republic on 
 that point alfo. And what name has the repub- 
 lic fixed upon for the Dauphin? ^Shadrach, 
 
 Mefliech, Abed-nego, replied the minifter. > 
 
 By Saint Peter's girdle, I will have nothing to do 
 with the Swifs, cried Francis the Firft, pulHng 
 up his breeches, and walking haftily acrofs the 
 floor. 
 
 Your majefty, replied the minifter calmly, can- 
 not bring yourfelf off. 
 
 We'll pay them in money, — faid the king. 
 
 Sire, there are not fixty thoufand crowns in 
 
 the treafury, anfwered the minifter. Fil pawn 
 
 the beft jewel in my crown, quoth Francis the 
 Firft. 
 
 Your honour ftands pawn'd already in this 
 matter, anfwered Monfieur le Premier. 
 
 Then, Monf. le Premier, faid the king, by — — 
 we'll go to war with 'em. 
 
362 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXII. 
 
 ALBEIT, gentle reader, I have lufted ear- 
 neftly, and endeavoured carefully (according to 
 the mealure of fuch a flender (kill as God has 
 vouchfafed me, and as convenient leifure from 
 other occafions of needful profit and healthful 
 paftime have permitted) that thefe little books 
 which I here put into thy hands, might ftand in- 
 ftead of many bigger books, — yet have I carried 
 myfelf towards thee in fuch fanciful guife of care- 
 lefs difport, that right fore am I afliamed now to 
 intreat thy lenity ferioully, — in befeeching thee to 
 believe it of me, that, in the ftory of my father and 
 his chriftian names, — have no thoughts of tread- 
 ing upon Francis the Firft, — nor, in the affair of 
 the nofe, — upon Francis the Ninth, — nor, in the 
 character of my uncle Toby, — of characterizing 
 the militiating fpirits of my country ; — the wound 
 upon his groin is a wound to every comparifon of 
 that kind ; — nor by Trim, — that I meant the Duke 
 of Ormond, — or that my book is wrote againft 
 predeftination, or fleewill, or taxes ; — if 'tis wrote 
 againft any thing, — 'tis wrote, an' pleafe 3^our 
 Worihips, againft the fpleen ! in order, by a more 
 frequent and a more convulfive elevation and 
 depreffion of the diaphragm, and the fuccuflations 
 of the intercoftal and abdominal mufcles in laugh ter^ 
 to drive the gall and other bitter juices from the 
 gall-bladder, liver, and fweet-bread of his majefty's 
 fubjecls, with all the inimicitious paffions which 
 belong to them, dow n into their duoedenums. 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 CHAP. XXIII. 
 
 — BUT can the thing be undone, Yorick? 
 laid my fatlier; — for in my opinion, continued 
 he, it cannot. I am a vile canonift, replied 
 Yorick; — but of all evils, holding fufpenfe to be 
 the moft tormenting, we fliall at leaft know the 
 worft of this matter. I hate thefe great dinners, 
 
 faid my father. The fize of the dinner is not the 
 
 point, anfwered Yorick,— we want, Mr. Shand}-, 
 to dive into the bottom of this doubt, whether 
 the name can be changed or not ; — and as the 
 beards of fo many commiflaries, officials, advocates, 
 proStors, regifters, and of the moft eminent of 
 our fchool-divines, and others, are all to meet in 
 the middle of one table> and Didius has fo prelT- 
 ingly invited you, — who, in your diftrefs, would 
 mifs fuch an occafion ? All that is requifite, con- 
 tinued Yorick, is to apprize Didius, and let him 
 manao^e a converfation after dinner fo as to intro- 
 duce the fubje6t. — Then my brother Toby, cried 
 my father, clapping his two hands together, fliall 
 go with us. 
 
 Let my old tye-wig, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 and my laced regimentals, be hung to the fire all 
 night, Trim. 
 
 # # 
 
 # # 
 
374 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXV. 
 
 NO doubt, Sir, — there is a whole chapter 
 
 wanting here, — and a chafni of ten pages made in 
 the book by it; — but the bookbinder is neither 
 a fool, nor a knave, nor a puppy, — nor is the book 
 a jot more imperfect (at leaft upon that fcore) ; — 
 but on the contrary, the book is more perfect and 
 complete by wanting the chapter, than having it, 
 as I fhall demonftrate to your Reverences in this 
 manner. — I queftion firft, by the bye, whether the 
 lame experiment might rot be made as fuccefsfuUy 
 upon fundry other chapters ; — but there is no end, 
 an pleafe your Reverences, in trying experiments 
 upon chapters, — we have had enough of it; — fo 
 there's an end of that matter. 
 
 But before I begin my demonftration, !et me 
 only tell you, that the chapter which I have torn 
 out, and w hich otherwife you w ould all have been 
 reading juft now inftead of this, — was the defcrip- 
 tion of my father's, my uncle Toby's, Trim's, and 
 Obadiah's fetting out and journeying to the vifita- 
 tion at". 
 
 W e'll go in the coach, faid my father. — Prithee, 
 have the arms been altered, Obadiahr^ — It would 
 have made my ftory much better to have begun 
 w ith telling you, that at the time my mother's arms 
 were added to the Shandy's, when the coach was 
 repainted upon my father's marriage, it had fo 
 fallen out, that the coach-painter, whether by per- 
 
 orming 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 375 
 
 formino[ all his works with the left-hand, like Tur- 
 piiius the Roman, or Hans Holbein of Bafil, — or 
 whether it was more from the blunder of his head 
 than hand, — or whether, laftly, it was from the 
 finifter tarn which every thing relating to our 
 family was apt to take, — it fo fell out, however, to 
 our reproach, that inftead of the bend-dexter^ which, 
 fmce Henry the Eighth's reign, was honeftly our 
 due,— a bend'ftnijier, by fome of thefe fatalities, had 
 been drawn quite aciofs the field of the Shandy arms. 
 'Tis fcarce credible that the mind of fo wife a man . 
 as my father was, could be fo much incommoded 
 with fo fmall a matter. The word Coach, — let it 
 be whofe it would, — or coach-man, or coach-horfe^ 
 or coach-hire, could never be named in the family, 
 but he conftantly complained of carrying this vile 
 mark of illegitimacy upon the door of his own : he 
 never once was able to ftep into the coach, or out 
 of it, without turning round to take a view of the 
 arms, and making a vow at the fame time, that it 
 was the laft time he would ever let his foot in it 
 again, till the bend- finifter was taken out ; — but^ like 
 the a{fair of the hinge, it was one of the many 
 things which the Deftinies had fet down in their 
 books ever to be grumbled at (and in wifer families 
 than ours) — but never to be mended. 
 
 — Has the bend-finifter been bruih'd out, I fay ? 
 
 faid my father. There has been nothing bruHi'd 
 
 out, Sir, anfvvered Obadiah, but the lining. 
 
 We'll go o'horfeback, faid my father, turning to 
 Yorick. Of all things in the world, except poli- 
 tics, the clergy know the leuft of heraldry, laid 
 
 Yorick, 
 
37^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Yorick. No matter for that^ cried my father; 
 
 I ihould be forry to appear with a blot in my 
 
 efcutcheon before them.- ^Never mind the bend- 
 
 finifter^ faid my uncle Toby, putting on his tye-wig. 
 
 NO;, indeed, faid my father : you may go with 
 
 my aunt Dinah to a vifitation with a bend-ftnifier^ if 
 
 you think fit. My poor uncle Toby blulh'd. 
 
 My father was vexed at himfelf No, — my 
 
 dear brother Toby, faid my father, changing his 
 tone ; but the damp of the coach-lining about my 
 loins, may give me the fciatica again, as it did 
 December, January, and February, laft winter ; fo, 
 if you pleafe, you fliall ride my wife's pad : — and, 
 as you are to preach, Yorick, you had better make 
 the beft of your way before, and leave me to take 
 care of my brother Toby, and to follow at our own 
 rates. 
 
 Now, the chapter I was obliged to tear out, 
 was the defcription of this cavalcade, in which 
 Corporal Trim and Obadiah, upon two coach- 
 horfes abreaft, led the way as flow as a patrol, — 
 whilft my uncle Toby, in his laced regimentals and 
 tye-wig, kept his rank with my father, in deep 
 roads and diiTertations alternately, upon the ad- 
 vantage of learning and arms, as each could get 
 the ftart. 
 
 But the painting of this journey, upon re- 
 viewing it, appears to be fo much above the ftyle 
 and manner of any thing elie I could have been 
 able to paint in this book, that it could not have re- 
 mained in it, without depreciating every other fcene, 
 and deftroying, at the fame time, that necelTary 
 I equipoife 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 377 
 
 eqiiipoile and balance (whether of good or bad) 
 betwixt chapter and chapter, from whence the juft 
 proportions and harmony of the whole work refnlts. 
 For my own part, I am but juft fet up in the 
 bufmels, fo know little about it; — but, in my 
 opinion, to write a book, is for all the world like 
 humming a fong; — be but in tune with yourfelf, 
 Madam, 'tis no matter how high or how low you 
 take it. 
 
 — This is the reafon, may it pleafe your Re- 
 verences, that fome of the loweft and flatteft com- 
 pofitions pafs off very well — (as Yorick told my 
 
 uncle Toby one night) by fiege. My uncle 
 
 Toby looked briflc at the found of the word ftege-^ 
 but could make neither head nor tail of it. 
 
 I'm to preach at court next Sunday, faid Ho- 
 
 menas ; — run over my notes : fo I humm'd 
 
 over Doctor Homenas's notes; — the modulations 
 very well ; — ^'twill do, Homenas, if it holds on at 
 this rate ; — fo on I hummVl, — and a tolerable tune 
 1 thought it was; and to this hour, may it pleafe 
 your Reverences, had never found out how low, 
 how flat, how Ipiritlefs and jejune it was, but that, all 
 of a fudden, up ftarted an air in the middle of it, 
 fo fine, fo rich, fo heavenly,— it carried my foul up 
 with it into the other world : now had I (as Mon- 
 taigne complained in a parallel accident) — had I 
 found the declivity ealy, or the afcent acceffible, — 
 certes I had been outwitted.— Your notes, Home- 
 nas, I mould have faid, are good notes ; — rbut it 
 was fo perpendicular a precipice,— fo wholly cut 
 off from the reft of the work, that^ by the firft note 
 
 I humm'd^ 
 
378 THE LIFE AND Ot»IlSriONS 
 
 I humm'd, I found mylelf flying into the other 
 world, and from thence difcovered the vale from 
 whence I came, fo deep, fo low, and difmal, that 
 I fhall never have the heart to defcend into it 
 again. 
 
 9^ A dwarf who brings a ftandard along with 
 him to meafure his own fize, — take my word, is a 
 dwarf in more articles than one. — And fo much 
 for tearing out of chapters. 
 
 CHAP. XXVI. 
 
 — SEE, if he is not cutting it all into flips, and 
 
 giving them about him to light their pipes ! ^ 
 
 'Tis abominable, anfv/ered Didius. It fliould 
 
 not go unnoticed, faid Doctor Kyfarcius : 
 
 ^ he was of the Kyfarcii of the Low Countries. 
 
 IMethinks, faid Didius, half rifingfrom his chair, 
 in order to remove a bottle and a tall decanter, 
 which flood in a direO: line betwixt him and Yorick, 
 — you might have fpared this iarcaftic ftroke, and 
 have hit upon a more proper place, Mr. Yorick 
 or atleaft upon a more proper occafion to havefliewn 
 your contempt of what we have been about. If the 
 fermon is of no better worth than to light pipes with, 
 — 'twas certainly, Sir, not good enough to be 
 preached before fo learned a body ; and, if 'twas 
 good enough to be preached before fo learned a 
 body, — 'twas certainly. Sir, too good to light their 
 pipes with afterwards. 
 
 1 have got him faft hung up, quoth Didius 
 
 to 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 37^ 
 
 to hiinfelf; upon one of th€ two horns of my di- 
 lemma; — iet him get off as he can: . 
 
 I have undergone fuch unfpeakable tormentSj, 
 in brin^ini^ forth this fermon, quoth Yorick, upon 
 this occalion, — that I declare, Didius, I would 
 fuflfer martyrdom, — and, if it was poffible, my horfe 
 with me, a thoufand times over, before I would 
 fit down and make fuch another: I was delivered 
 of it at the wrong end of me ; — it came from my 
 head inftead of my heart ; —and it is for the pain 
 it gave me, both in the writing and preaching of it, 
 that I revenge myfelf of it in this manner. — To 
 preach, to ihew the extent of our reading, or the 
 fubtleties of our wit, — to parade it in the eyes of 
 the vulgar with the beggarly accounts of a little 
 learning, tinfell'd over with a few words which 
 glitter, but convey little light and lefs warmth, — is 
 a difhoneft ule of the poor fmgle half hour in a 
 w^eek which is put into our hands: — 'tis not preach- 
 ing the gofpel,— but ourfelves. — For my ownpart, 
 continued Yorick, I had rather direft five words 
 point-blank to the heart. 
 
 As Yorick pronounced the w^ord foint-blank^ my 
 uncle Toby rofe up to fay fomething upon pro- 
 je6tiles, — when a fingle word, and no morej uttered 
 from the oppofite fide of the table, drew every 
 one's ears towards it: — a word of all others in the 
 dictionary the laft in that place to be expefted :— 
 a word I am aihamed to write^ — yet mufi; be 
 written, — muft be read ; — illegal, — uncanonical,— 
 guefs ten thoufand gueffes, multiplied into them^ 
 elves, — rack— torture your invendon for ever, 
 
 VOL, I* B B you're 
 
^5StO THX LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 •you're where you was. — In ftiort. 111 tell it in tlie 
 next chapter. 
 
 CHAP. XXVII. 
 
 ZOUNDS ! 
 
 ■ Z ds ! cried Phutatorius^ 
 
 ♦ partly to himfelf, — and yet high enough to be 
 heard; — and what feemed odd, 'twas uttered in 
 a conttruclion of look, and in a tone of voice, 
 fomewhat between that of a man in amazement, 
 and one in bodily pain. 
 
 One or two who had very nice ears, and could 
 diftinguilh the exprefiion and mixture of the two 
 tones as plainly as a third or a fifths or any other 
 chord in mafic, — were the molt puzzled and per- 
 plexed with it. — ^The concord was good itfelf; — 
 but then 'twas quite out of the key, and no way 
 applicable to the fubject ftarted; — fo that, with 
 all their knowledge, they could not tell what in 
 the w^orld to make of it. 
 
 Others, who knew nothing of mufical exprel- 
 fion, and merely lent their ears to the plain im- 
 port of the word,, imagined that Phutatorius, who 
 was fomewhat of a choleric fpirit, was juft going 
 to fnatch the cudgels out of Didius's hands, in 
 order to bemaul Yorick to fome purpofe: — and 
 
 that the defperate m.onolyliable, Z ds, w^as the 
 
 exordium to an oration, which, as they judged 
 from the fample, prefaged but a rough kind of 
 
 handling ^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 38 1 
 
 handling of him ; fo that my uncle Toby s good- 
 nature felt a pang for what Yoiick was about to 
 undergo. But feeing Phutatorius flop fhort, 
 without any attempt or defire to go on, — a third 
 party began to fuppofe, that it was no more than 
 an involuntary refpiration, cafually forming itfelf 
 into the fhape of a twelve-penny oath, — without 
 the fin or fubftance of one. 
 
 Others, and efpecially one or two who /at next 
 him, looked upon it, on the contrary, as a real and 
 fubftantial oath, propenfely formed againft Yorick, 
 to whom he was known to bear no good liking; — 
 which faid oath, as my father philofophized upon 
 it, actually lay fretting and fuming at that very 
 time in the upper regions of Phutatorius s pur- 
 tenance ; and fo was naturally, and according to 
 the due courfe of things, firft fqueezed out by the 
 fudden influx of blood which was driven into the 
 right ventricle of Phutatorius's heart, by the ftroke 
 of furprize which fo ftrange a theory of preaching 
 had excited. 
 
 How finely w^e argue upon mifi:aken fafts ! 
 
 There was not a foul bufied in all thefe various 
 reafoniogs upon the monolyllible which Phutatorius 
 uttered, — w ho did not take this for granted, pro- 
 ceeding upon it as from an axiom, n-amely, that 
 Phutatorius's mind w^as intent upon the fubjefit of 
 debate which was arifing between Didius and 
 Yorick; and indeed, as he looked firft towards 
 the one and then tow^ards the other, ^vith the air 
 of a man liftening to what was going forwards, — 
 who w^ould not have thought the fame? But the 
 
 B B 2 truth 
 
3S2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 truth was, that Phutatorius knew not one word 
 or one fyllable of what was paffing; — but his 
 whole thoughts and attention were taken up with a 
 tranfaftion which was going forwards at that very 
 inftant within the precincts of his own Galligalkins, 
 and in a part of them, w here of all others he 
 flood moft interefted to watch accidents: fo that, 
 notwithftanding he looked with all the attention in 
 the world, and had gradually Ikrewed up every 
 nerve and mufcle in his face to the utmoft pitch the 
 inftrument would bear, in order, as it was thought^ 
 to give a fharp reply to Yorick, who fat over- 
 againft him, — yet, I fay, was Yorick never once 
 in any one domicile of Phutatorius s brain ; but 
 the true caufe of his exclamation lay at leaft a 
 yard below. 
 
 This I will endeavour to explain to you with all 
 imaginable decency. 
 
 You muft be informed then, that Gaftripheres, 
 w^ho had taken a turn into the kitchen a little 
 before dinner, to fee how things went on, — ob- 
 ferving a wicker-bafket of fine chefnuts ftanding 
 upon the drefler, had ordered that a hundred or 
 two of them might be roafted and fent in as foon 
 as dinner was over; — Gaftripheres enforcing his 
 orders about them, that Didius, but Phutatorius 
 efpecially, were particularly fond of em. 
 
 About two minutes before the time that my 
 uncle Toby interrupted Yorick's harangue, — 
 Gaftripheres s chefnuts were brought in;^ — and 
 as Phutatorius's fondnefs for 'em was uppermofl 
 in the waiters head, he laid them direftly before 
 
 Phutatorius, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY.* 383 
 
 PhutatoriuSj wrapt up hot in a clean damatk 
 napkin. 
 
 Now, whether it was phyficaliy impoffible, with. 
 half a dozen hands all thruft into the napkin at one 
 time, — but that fome one chelhut, of more life and 
 rotundity than the reft, muft be put in motion, — it 
 fo fell out, however, that one was actually fent 
 rolling oft' the table ; and as Phutatorius fat ftrad- 
 dling under, — it fell perpendicularly into that par-, 
 ticular aperture of Phutatorius's breeches, for which, 
 to the lhame and indelicacy of our language be it 
 fpoke, there is no chafte word throughout all 
 Johnfon's DiQionary: — let it fuffice to fay, — it 
 w^as that particular aperture which, in all good 
 fociedes, the laws of decorum do ftri6tly require, 
 like the temple of Janus (in peace at leaft) to be 
 univerfdUy Ihut up. 
 
 The neglect of this punftilio in Phutatorius 
 (which by the bye fliould be a warning to all 
 mankind) had opened a door to this accident. — 
 
 Accident I call it, in compliance to a received 
 mode of fpeaking ; — but in no oppofition to the 
 opinion either of Acrites or Mythogeras in this 
 matter ; I know they were both prepoflefled and 
 fully perfuaded of it, — and are fo to this hour, 
 That there was nothing of accident in the whole 
 event, — but that the chefnut s taking that particular 
 courfe, and in a manner of its own accord, — and 
 then falling with all its heat direftly into that one 
 particular place, and no other, — was a real judg- 
 ment upon Phutatorius for that filthy and obfcene 
 treatile de Concuhinis retinendis^ which Phutatorius 
 
 B B 3 haci 
 
384 TPn: LirE and opinions 
 
 bad publifhed about twenty years ago, — and was 
 that identical week going to give the world a 
 fecond edition of. 
 
 It is not my bufmefs to dip my pen in this 
 controverfy : — much, undoubtedly, may be wrote 
 dn both fides of the queftion : — all that concerns 
 me as an hiftorian, is to reprelent the matter of 
 fa6t, and render it credible to the reader, that 
 the hiatus in Pliutatorius's breeches was fuffici- 
 ently wide to receive the chefnut : — and that the 
 chefnut, fomehow or other, did fall perpendicu- 
 larly, and piping hot into it, without Phuta- 
 torius's perceiving it, or any one elfe at that 
 time. 
 
 The genial warmth w^hich the chefnut impart- 
 ed, was not undeleftable for the firft twenty or 
 five>and-twenty feconds ;^ — ^and did no more than 
 gently folicit Phutatorius's attention towards the 
 part: — but the heat gradually increafing, and 
 in a few feconds more, getting beyond the point 
 of all fober pleafure, and then advancing with 
 all fpeed into the regions of pain, the foul of 
 Phutatorius, together with all his ideas, his thoughts, 
 bis attention, his itnagination, judgment, relolution, 
 deliberation, ratiocination, memory, fancy, with 
 ten battalions of animal fpirits, all tumultuoufly 
 crowded doM n, through different defiles and cir^ 
 cuits, to the place in danger, leaving all his 
 upper regions, as you may imagine, as empty as 
 my purfe. 
 
 AVith the heft intelligence which all thefe 
 meffengers could bring him back; Phutatorius was 
 1 1 not 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY- 385: 
 
 not able to dive into the fecret of what was goingi 
 forward below; nor could he make an}^ kind of 
 conjefture what the devil was the matter with \L 
 However, as he knew not what the true caufa 
 might turn out, he deemed it moft prudent, in the 
 fituation he was in at prefent, — to bear it, if pof- 
 fible, like a Stoic; v/hich, with the help of fome 
 wry faces and compurlions of the mouth, he had 
 certainly accompliilied, had his imagination con- 
 tinued neuter: — but the falhes of tbe iaiagination 
 are ungovernable in all things of this kind; — a 
 thought inftanily darted into his mind, that tho' 
 the anguilh had the fenfation of glowing heat,— 
 it might, notwithftanding that, be a bite as well 
 as a burn ; and if fo, that poiFibly a Newt or an. 
 Afker, or fome fuch detefted reptile, had crept up, 
 and was faftening his teeth ; — the horrid idea of 
 which, Vv ith afrefh glow of pain, ai ifmg that inftant* 
 from the chelhut, feized Phutatorius with a fudden 
 panic, — and in the firft terrifying diforder of the 
 paffion, it threw liim, as it has done the beft gene- 
 rals upon earth, quite off his guard: — the effeQ; of 
 which was this, that he leaped incontinently up, 
 uttering as he rofe that iuterjeclion of furprize 
 fo much defcanted upon, ^^ ith the appofiopeftic • 
 
 break after it, marked thus, Z- ds i— which/ 
 
 though not ftrictly canonical, was ftill as little as 
 any man could have laid upon the occafion; — 
 and which, by the bye, whether canonical or 
 not, Phutatorius could no more help than he 
 could the caufe of it. 
 
 Though this has. taken up fome time in the 
 ^ B 4 narrative^ 
 
586 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 narrative, it took up little more time in the tranf- 
 aClion than juft to allow time for Phutatorius 
 to draw forth the chelhut, and throw it down with 
 violence upon the floor, — and for Yorick to rife 
 from his chair, and pick the chefnut up. 
 
 It is curious to obferve the triumph of flight 
 incidents over the mind. — What incredible weight 
 they have in forming and governing our opinions, 
 both of men and things ! — that trifles, light as air, 
 lliall waft a belief into the foul, and plant it fo 
 immovably v/ithin it, — that Euclid's demonftra- 
 tions, could they be brought to batter it in breach, 
 fliould not all have power to overthrow it ! 
 
 Yorick, I faid, picked up the chefnut which 
 Phutatorius's wrath had flung down: — the aftioa 
 \yas trifling ; — I am afhamed to account for it : — 
 he did it,^ — for no reason, but that he thouglit the 
 chefnut not a jot worle lor tfie adventure; — and 
 that he held a good cheinut worth itooping ior. — 
 But this incident, trifling as it vvas, urought diifer- 
 ently in Phutatori^is s head : He confidered this a6l 
 of Yorick s, in getting off liis chair and picking up 
 the chefnut, as a plain ackno^wledgement in him, 
 that the chefnut was originally his and, in courle, 
 that it rnuft have been the owner of the chefnut, 
 and no one elfe, who could have played him hch a 
 prank with it. What greatly confirmed him in this 
 opinion, was this. That the table being parailelo- 
 gramical, and very narrow, it aff()rded a tair oppor« 
 tunity for Yorick, who Ikt direftly over againft 
 Phutatorius, of flipping the chefnut in; — and con- 
 fequently that he did ito The look of fomething 
 
 more 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 387 
 
 more than fuipicion, which Phutatorius caft full 
 upon Yorick as thefe tiioughls arofe, too evidently 
 fj oke his opinion ; — and as Phutatorius was natu- 
 rail}/ fappoled to know more of the matter than 
 any perfon befides, his opinion at once became the 
 genera! one ; and for a reafon very different from 
 any which have been yet given, in a iittle time 
 it was put out of ail manner of difpute. 
 
 \\ hen great or unexpe6ted events fall out upon 
 the ftage oi this lublunary world, — the mind of 
 man, which is an inqui^ tive kind of a f?abftance, 
 naturally takes a flight behind the fcenes, to fee 
 what is the caufe and firlt fpring of them. — The 
 fearcn was not long in this inftance. 
 
 It was well known that Yorick had never a good 
 opinion of the Treatife which ^Phutatorius had 
 wrote, de -Ccmuhmis retinendis^ as a thing which he 
 feared had done hurt in the world : — and 'twas 
 eafily found out, that there was a myftical meaning 
 in Yorick's prank, — and that his chucking the 
 chefnut hot into Phutatorius's — ^-^^--^^^ ^^as a 
 f^rcaftical fling at his book ; — the do6lrines of which, 
 they faid, had enflamed many an honeft man in the 
 fame place. 
 
 This conceit awaken'd Somnolentius ; — made 
 Agelaftes fmile ; — and, if you can recollect the 
 precife look and air of a man's face intent in find- 
 ing out a riddle, — it threw Gaftripheres s into that 
 form ; — and, in fhort, was thought by many to be a 
 mafter-ftroke ot arch wit. 
 
 This, as the reader lias feen from one end to the 
 other^ was as grouncilels as the dreaiDS of philolb- 
 
 phy. 
 
388 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 phy. Yorick, no doubt, as Shakefpeare faid of his 
 anceftor, — was a man of jeft/' but it was tem- 
 per'd witli fomething which withheld him from that^ 
 and many other ungracious pranks, of which he 
 as undefervedly bore the blame; — but it was his 
 misfortune, all his life long, to bear the imputation 
 of faying and doing a thoufand things, of which (un- 
 lefs my efteem blinds me) his nature was incappxble. 
 All I blame him for, — or rather, ail I blame and 
 alternately like him for, was that lingularity of 
 his temper, which w^ould ne^er fufler him to take 
 pains to fet a ftory right with the world, how- 
 ever in his power. In every iil-uikge of that 
 fort, he afited precifely as in the affair of his lean 
 horfe. — He could have explained it to his honour, 
 but his fpirit was above it ; and befides, he ever 
 looked upon the inventor, the propagator, and 
 believer of an illiberal report, alike fo injurious" 
 to him, — he could not ftoop to tell his ftory to 
 them ; — and fo trufted to time and truth to do it 
 for him. 
 
 This heroic caft produced him inconveniences 
 in many refpefts ; — in the prefent, it was followed 
 by the fixed refentment of Phutatorius, who, as 
 Yorick had juft made an end of his chefnut, rofe 
 up from his chair a fecond time, to let him know 
 it ; — which indeed he did with a fmile ; faying only, 
 • — That he would endeavour not to forget the 
 obligation. 
 
 But you muft mark and carefully feparate and 
 diftinguifti thefe two things in* your mind : — • 
 • — The fmile was for the company; 
 ^ — The threat was for Yorick. 
 
TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 CHAP. XXVI 11. 
 
 —CAN you tell me, quoth Phutatorius, fpeak- 
 ing to Gaftripheres, who fat next to him, — for one 
 would not apply to a furgeon in fo looUlh an affair, 
 — Can you teli me, Gaftripheres, what is beft to 
 take out the fire ? Alk Eugenius, laid Gaftri- 
 pheres. — — That greatly depends, faid Eugenius, 
 pretending ignorance of the adventure, upon the na- 
 ture of the part. — If it is a tender part, and a part 
 
 which can conveniently be wrapt up, It is both 
 
 the one and the other, replied Phutatorius, laying 
 his hand as he fpoke, with an emphatical nod of his 
 head, upon the part in queftion, and lifting up his 
 right leg at the lame titne, to eafe and ventilate it. 
 
 If that is the cafe, faid Eugenius, I would 
 
 advife you, Phutatorius, not to taujper with it by 
 any means ; but if you will fend to the next printer, 
 and truft your cure to fuch a fimpie thing as a foft 
 flieet of paper juft come ofT the prefs,— you need 
 
 do nothing more than twift it round. The 
 
 damp paper, quoth Yorick (who fat next to his 
 friend Eutrenius) though I Imow it has a refrelhing 
 coolnefs in it, — yet, I prefame, is no more than the 
 vehicle ; — and that the oil and lamp-black, ^vith. 
 which the paper is fo ftrongly impregnated, does 
 
 the bufineis. Right, faid Eugenius ; and is, of 
 
 miy outward application I would venture to recom- 
 niend, the moft anodyne and fafe. 
 
 Was it my calie, faid Gaitripheres, as the main 
 thing is the oil and lamp-black, I fhould fpread 
 
 them 
 
390 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 them thick upon a rag, and ciap it on dire6lly. 
 
 Tliat would n3ake a very devil of it^ replied Yorick. 
 
 And belides, added Eugenius, it would not 
 
 anfw^er the intention, w^hich is the extreme neatnefs 
 and elegance of the prefcription; which the faculty 
 hold to be half in half : — for confider, if the type 
 is a very Ihiall one (which it fnould be) the fanative 
 particles, which come into contacl in this form, 
 have the advantage of being ipread fo infinitely 
 thin, and with fuch a mathematical equality (frefti 
 paragraphs and large capitals excepted) as no art 
 
 or management of the fpatula can come up to. 
 
 It falls out very luckily, replied Phutatorius, that 
 the fecond edition of my Treatife, de Conciibinis re- 
 
 tinendis is at this inftantin the prefs. You may 
 
 take any leaf of it, faid Eugenius ; — no matter 
 
 which. Provided, quolh Yorick, there is no 
 
 baw dy in it. 
 
 They are juft now, replied Phutatorius, printing 
 off the ninth chapter ; — which is the laft chapter 
 
 but one in the book. Pray, what is the title of 
 
 that chapter? laid Yorick; making a refpeftful bow 
 
 to Phutatorius as he fpoke. 1 think, anftvered 
 
 Phutatorius, 'tis that de Re Concubinarid. 
 
 For Heaven s fake keep out of that chapter^ 
 quoth Yorick. 
 
 By all means, — added Eugenius, 
 
 CHAP. XXIX. 
 
 — Now, quoth Didius, riiing up, and laying his 
 right hand, with his fingers fpread^, upon his breaft, 
 
 ^ — had 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 39I 
 
 — had fuch a blunder about a chriftian-name hap- 
 pened before the Reformation, [It happened 
 
 the day before yefterday, quoth my uncle Toby to 
 himfelf] — and when baplifm was adminifterd in 
 Latin, — ['Twas all in Englifli, faid my uncle] — 
 many things might have coincided with it; and 
 upon the authority of fundry decreed cafes, to have 
 pronounced the baptifm null, with a power of 
 giving the child a new name.- — Had a prieft, for in- 
 ftance, which was no uncommon thing, throughigoo- 
 ranee of the Latin tongue, baptized a child of Tom- 
 o'Stiles, in nomine patric-e if? filia & Jpirilum Jan^os, 
 
 — the baptifm was held null. 1 beg your pardon, 
 
 replied Kyfarcius; — in that cafe, as the miftake was 
 only the terminations, the baptifm was valid ; — and 
 to have rendered it null, the blunder of the prieft 
 Ihould have fallen upon the nrft ly liable of each 
 noun ; — and not, as in your cafe, upon tlie laft. 
 
 My father delightsd in fubdeties of this kind, and 
 liften'd with infinite attention. 
 
 Gaftripheres, for example, continued Kyfarcius, 
 baptizes a child of John Stradling's in gomine Gatris, 
 
 ^c. ^c. inftead of in nomine Patris, Is this 
 
 a baptifm? — No, — fay the ableft canonifts; inaf- 
 much as the radix of each word is hereby torn up, 
 and the fenfe and meaning of them removed and 
 changed quite to another object ; for Gomine does 
 
 not fignify a name, nor gatris a father. What 
 
 do they fignify? faid my uncle Toby.-— — Nothing 
 
 at all, — quoth Yorick. Ergo, fuch a baptifm is 
 
 null, faid Kyfarcius. 
 
 In 
 
392 THE LFTE AND OPINIQNS 
 
 In courle, anfwered Yorick, in a tone tvve^ 
 
 parts jeft and one partearneft. 
 
 But in the cafe cited, continued Kyfarcius, where 
 ^atride is put tor pa Iris, fill a for fdii^ and fo on; — 
 as it is a fault only in the declcnfion, and the roots 
 of the word continue untouched, the inflexions of 
 their branches, either this way or that, does not in 
 any fort hinder the baptifm, inafinuch as the fame 
 
 fenfe continues in the words as before. But then^ 
 
 faid Didius, the intention of the prieft's pronouncing 
 them grammatically, muft have been proved to have 
 
 gone along with it -Right, anfwered Eylarcius ; 
 
 and of this, brother Didius, we have an inftance in a 
 
 decree of the decretals of Pope Leo the Third. ■ 
 
 But my brother's child, cried my uncle Toby, has 
 nothing to do with the Pope ; — "tis the plain child 
 of a Proteftant gentleman chriften''d Triftram againft 
 the wills and wiflies both of his father and mother, 
 and all vrfio are akin to it. 
 
 If the wills and wiQies, faid Kyfarcius, inter- 
 rupting my uncle Toby, of thofe only who ftand 
 related to Mr. Shandy's child, were to have weight 
 in this matter, Mrs. Shandy, of all people, has the 
 
 Jeaft to do in it. My uncle Toby laid down his 
 
 pipe, and my father drew his chair Hill clofer to the 
 » table, to hear the conclufion of lb ftrange an intro- 
 duction. 
 
 It has not only been a queftion, Captain 
 
 Shandy, amongft the beft lawyers and civilians in 
 tliis land, continued Kyfarcius- Whether the 
 
 * Vide Swinburne on TeAaments, Part 7. § 8. 
 
 mothejr 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY- 393 
 
 mother be of kin to her child ;" — but, after much 
 difpaffionate enquiry and jafilitation of the argu- 
 ments on all fides, — ^it has been adjudged for the 
 negative; — namely, " That the mother is not of 
 
 kin to her child^." My father inltantly clapp'd 
 his hand upon my uncle Toby's mouth, under colour 
 of whifpering in his ear ; — the truth was, he was 
 alarmed for Lillabullero^ — and having a great defire 
 to hear more of fo curious an argument, — he begg'd 
 my uncle Toby, for Heaven's fake^ not to dif^ippoint 
 him in it. My uncle Toby gave a nod, — re- 
 fumed his pipe, and contenting himielf with whiftling 
 Zi//^i'^//^r(? inwardly,— Kylarcius, Didius, andTrip- 
 tolemus went on with the difcourfe as follows : — 
 
 This determination, continued Kyfarcios, hovr 
 contrary foever it may feem to run to the ftream 
 of vulgar ideas, yet had realbn ftrongly on its 
 fide, and has been put out of all-manner of dilpute 
 from the famous cafe, known commonly by the 
 
 name of the Duke of Suffolk's Cafe It is cited 
 
 in Brooke, faid Triptolemus. And taken notice 
 
 of by Lord Coke, added Didius. And you may 
 
 find it in Swinburne on Teftaments, faid Kyfircius. 
 
 The cafe, Mr. Shandy, was this : — 
 
 In the reign of Edward the Sixth, Charles Duk© 
 of Suffolk having ilfue a fon by one venter, and a 
 daughter by another venter, made his laft will, 
 wherein he devifed goods to his fon, and died; after 
 whofe death the fon died alfo ; — but without will, 
 without wife, and without child; — his mother and 
 his fifter by the father's fide (for ilie w as born of the 
 
 * Vide Brooke's Abridg. Tit. Adminiftr. N. 47. 
 
 former 
 
394 THE LIFE AND OPIlSriONS 
 
 former venter) then living. The mother took th*^ 
 adminifti ation of her fon s goods, according to the 
 itatute of the 2 lit of Harry the Eighth; whereby 
 it is enafted, That in cafe any perfon die inteftate, 
 the adminiftration of his goods ftiail be couimitted 
 to the next of kin. 
 
 The adminiftration being thu3 (furreptitioufly) 
 granted to the mother, — tlie fifier, by the father s 
 fide, commenced a fuit before the Eccleliafiical 
 Judge, alleging, i ft, That ilie herfelf was next of 
 kin ; and, 2dly, That the motlier w^as not of kin at 
 all to the party deceafed; and therefore, prayed 
 the court, that the adminiftration granted to the 
 mother might be revoked, and be comtiatted unto 
 her as next of kin to the deceafed, by force of the 
 faid ftatute. 
 
 Hereupon, as it was a great caufe, and much 
 depending upon its iffue, — and many caufes of 
 great property likely to be decided in times to 
 come, by the precedent to be then made, — the 
 moft learned, as well in the laws of this reahn as 
 in the civil law, were confulted together, Whether 
 the mother was of kin to her ion, or no ? — ¥v^here« 
 unto not only the temporal lawyers, — but the 
 church lawyers, — the juris-confulti, — the juris-pru- 
 dentes, — the civilians, — the advocates, — the com- 
 niifTaries, — the judges of the confiftory and preroga- 
 tive courts of Canterbury and York, with the mafter 
 of the faculties, w^ere all unanimoufly of opinion, 
 That the mother was not of ^ kin to her child. ^ 
 
 * Mater non numeratur inter confanguineos, Bald, in 
 ult, C. <]e Verb, fignific. 
 
 And 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAjS^DT. 3g5 
 
 And what faid the Duchels of Suffolk to it? faid 
 my uncle Toby. 
 
 The unexpe6tednefs of my uncle Toby's qiieftion, 
 confounded Kyfarcius more thah the ableft advo- 
 cate. — He ftoppd a fall minute, looking in my 
 ancle Toby's face without replying; — and in that 
 fnigle minute Triptolemus put by him^ and took the 
 lead as follows : — 
 
 'Tis a ground and principle in the law, faid Trip- 
 tolemus, that things do not afcend, but defcend in it ; 
 and I make no doubt 'tis for this caufe, that how- 
 ever true it is that the child may be of the blood 
 and feed of its parents, — that the parents,- never- 
 thelefs, are not of the blood and feed of it ; inafmuch 
 as the parents are not begot by the child, but the 
 child by the parents; — for fo they write, Liberi 
 Jtint de Janguine 'poAris & matris^ fed pater & mater 
 non flint de f anguine liberorim. 
 
 But this, Triptolemus, cried Didius, proves 
 
 too much; — for, from this authority cited, it would 
 follow, not only what indeed is granted on all fides^ 
 that the mother is cot of kin to iier ciiiid, — but the 
 
 father likewife. It is held, laid Triptolemus, the 
 
 better opinion ; becauie the father, the mother, 
 and the child, though tliey be three perfons, yet 
 are they but (una caro^^ J one flefii; and conle- 
 quently no degree of kindred,— or any method of 
 
 acquiring one in nature.— There you puili the 
 
 argument again too far, cried Didius, — ^for there is 
 no prohibition in nature^ though there is in the 
 Levitical law, — but that a man may beget a child 
 
 * Vide Brooke s Abridg, tit. Adii-iiuifir. N. 47. 
 
 YOL. I, c c upon 
 
39^ THE LIFE AIS^D OPINIONS 
 
 upon his grandmother; — in which cafe, fup- 
 poling the iffue a daughter, Ihe would ftand in 
 
 relation both of But who ever thought, cried 
 
 Kyfarcius, of lying with his grandmother? • 
 
 The young gentleman, replied Yorick, whom 
 Selden fpeaks of, — who not only thought of it, 
 but juftified his intention to his father by the 
 aro:ument drawn from the law of retaliation: — 
 
 You lay, Sir, with my mother," faid the lad; 
 
 why may not I lie with yours?" Tis the 
 
 argumentum commune, added Yorick. Tis as 
 
 good, replied Eugenius, taking down his hat, as 
 they deferve. 
 
 The company broke up. 
 
 CHAP. XXX. 
 
 — AND pray, faid my uncle Toby, leaning 
 upon Yorick, as he and my father were helping 
 him leifurely down the ftairs, — don't be terri- 
 fied. Madam; this ftaircafe converfaticn is not 
 
 fo long as the laft, And pray, Yorick, faid 
 
 my uncle Toby, which way is this faid affair of 
 Triftram at length fettled by thefe learned men ? 
 Very fatisfaftorily, replied Yorick : no mor- 
 tal. Sir, has any concern with it; — for Mrs. 
 Shandy, the mother, is nothing at all akin to 
 him; — and as the mother's is the fureft fide, — • 
 Mr. Shandy, in courfe, is ftill lefs than nothing. 
 — In {hort, he is not as much akin to him^ Sir, 
 as I am.— — 
 
 —That 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 3^7 
 
 That may well be, (aid my father, lhaking 
 
 his head. 
 
 Let the learned lay what they will, there 
 
 muft certaintly, qiioth my uncle Toby, have been 
 fome fort of confanguinity betwixt the Duchefs 
 of Suffolk and her fon. 
 
 The vulgar are of the fame opinion, quotli 
 Yorick, to this hour. 
 
 CHAP. XXXI. 
 
 THOUGH my father was hugely tickled with 
 the fubtleties of thefe learned diicourfes, —'twas 
 ftill but like the anointing of a broken bone. — • 
 The moment he got home, the weight of his 
 afflictions returned upon him but fo much the 
 Jieavier, as is ever the cale when tlie {vdff we lean 
 on flips from under us. — He became penfive, — • 
 walked frequently forth to the fiili-pond, — let 
 down one loop of his hat, — figh'd often, — forbore 
 to fnap;— and, as the hafty fparks of temper, 
 which occafion fnapping, fo much affift perfpiration 
 and digeftion, as Hippocrates tells us,— he had 
 certainly fallen ill with the extinftion of them, 
 liad not his thoughts been critically drawn oif, 
 and his health refcued by a frefli train of dif- 
 quietudes left him, with a legacy of a thoufand 
 pounds, by my aunt Dinah. 
 
 My father had fcarce read the letter, when, 
 taking the thing by the right end, he inftantly 
 began to plague and puzzle his head how to lay 
 
 c c 2 it 
 
3g8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 it out moftly to the honour of his family. — A 
 hundred-and-fifty odd projefils took poffeffion of 
 his brains by turns ; — he would do this, and that, 
 and t'other. — He would go to Rome;— he would 
 go to law; — he would buy ftock; — he would buy 
 John Hobfon's farm; — he would new fore-front 
 his houfe, and add a new wing to make it even. — - 
 There was a fine water-mill on this fide ; and he 
 would build a wind-mill on the other fide of the 
 
 river, in full view, to anfwer it. But, above all 
 
 thin^is in the world, he would indole the mxat 
 Ox-moor, and fend out my brother Bobby imme- 
 diately upon his travels. 
 
 But as the fum w^as Jmfe^ and confequently 
 could not do every thing; — and in truth very 
 few of thefe to any purpofe, — of all the projefts 
 which olFered themfelves upon this occafion, the 
 two laft feemed to make the deepeft impreflion ; 
 and he would infeliibly have determined upon 
 both at once, but for the fiiiall inconvenience 
 hinted at above, which abfoluteiy put him under 
 a neceflity of decidin<>; in favour either of the 
 one or the other. 
 
 This was not altogether fo eafy to be done; for 
 though 'tis certain my father had long before fet 
 his heart upon this neceffary part of my brother's 
 education, and, like a prudent man, had aftually 
 determined to carry it into execution, with the 
 firft money that returned from the fecond creation 
 of aftions in the Mifliffippi-lcheme, in w hich he 
 was an adventurer; — yet the Ox-moor, which 
 was a fine, large, wiiinny, undrained, unimproved 
 
 common^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 399 
 
 common, belonging to the Shandy-eftate, had 
 almoft as old a claim upon him : he had long and 
 afFefitionately fet his heart upon turning it likewife 
 to fome account. 
 
 But having never hiriierto been preffed with 
 fuch a conjuncture of things as made it neceffary 
 to fettle either the priority or juftice of their 
 claims, — like a^^ife man, he had refrained entering 
 into any nice or critical examination about them : 
 fo that, upon the difmiffion of every other projefit 
 at this crifis, — the two old projeCls, the Ox-moor 
 and my brother, divided him again ; and fo equal 
 a match were they for each other, as to become 
 the occafion of no fiiaall conteft in the old gen- 
 tleman's mind^ — which of the two fliould be fet 
 agoing firft. 
 
 People may laugh as they w ill ; — but the 
 
 cafe was this : — 
 
 It had ever been the cuftom of the family, 
 and by length of time was almoft become a 
 matter of common right, that the eldeft fon of 
 it fhould have free ingrefs, egrefs, and regrels 
 into foreign parts before marriage, — not only for 
 the fake of bettering his own [nivate parts, by 
 the benefit of exercife and change of lb much 
 air,— but fimply for the mere delectation of his 
 fancy, by the feather put into his cap of having 
 been abroad. — Tanttim valet^ my lather would 
 fay, quantum fonat. 
 
 Now as this was a reafonable, and in courfe a 
 moft Chriftian indulgence, — to deprive him of it, 
 without why or wherefore, — and thereby make an 
 
 c c 3 example 
 
400 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 example of bim, as the firft Shandy unwhirrd 
 about Europe, in a polt-chaile, and only becaufe 
 he was a heavy lad, — would be ufmg him ten 
 tin)es worfe than a Turk. 
 
 On the other hand, the cafe of the Ox-moor 
 was iuU as hard. 
 
 Tx^lulivc of the oris;ina] purchafc-money, which 
 was ei^ht hundred pounds,— it had coft the family 
 ei'^iit [r'inired po'inds more in a lawfuit about 
 fiiteen years before, — beiides the Lord knows 
 wli it trouble and vexation. 
 
 It had been moreov* ;r in poflTcfiion of the Shandy 
 family ever face tne middle of the iaft century; 
 and though ir lay full in view before the houfe, 
 boimded on one extremity by the water-mill ; and 
 on the iAher by the prqiefted wind-mill fpoken of 
 above ; — and ior all thefe reafons feemed to have 
 the faireft title of any part of the eftate to the care 
 and protection of the family, — yet, by an unac- 
 countable latality, common to men, as well as 
 the ground they tread on, — it had all along 
 moft ihatiieiuhy been overlooked; and to fpeak 
 the-trulh ot it, ha J fiffered fo much by it, that 
 it would have made any man's heart have bled 
 (Obadiah laid) who underftood the value of land, 
 to have rode over it^ and only ieen the condition 
 it Vv as in. 
 
 However, as neither the purchafing this track of 
 ground, — nor nideed the placing of it where it lay, 
 were either of tliem, proi)erly fpeakin<j, of my father s 
 doing, — he had never tliought ijimfeJf any way 
 concerned in the affair — till the fifteen years before, 
 
 when 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 40I 
 
 when the breaking out of that curfed lawfuit men- 
 tioned above (and which had arofe about its boun- 
 daries) — which being altogether my father s own 
 a6l and deed, it naturally awakened every other 
 argument in its favour ; and upon fumming them 
 all up together, he faw, not merely in intereft, but 
 in honour, he was bound to do Ibmething for it — 
 and that, now or never was the time. 
 
 I think there muft certainly have been a mixture 
 of ill-luck in it, that the reafons on both fides 
 ftiould happen to be fo equally balanced by each 
 other; for though my father weighed them in all 
 humours and conditions, fpent many an anxious 
 hour in the moft profound and abftrafted medita- 
 tion upon what w^as beft to be done ; — reading books 
 of farming one day, — books of travels another, 
 — laying afide all paffion whatever, — viewing the 
 arguments on both fides in all their lights and cir- 
 cumftances, — communing every deiy with my uncle 
 Toby, — arguing with Yorick, and talking over the 
 whole affair of the Ox-moor with Obadiah, — ^yet 
 nothing in all that time appeared fo ftrongly in be- 
 half of the one, which was not either ftriftly appli- 
 cable to the other, or at leaft fo far counterba- 
 lanced by fome confideration of equal weight, as 
 to keep the fcales even. 
 
 For to be fure, with proper helps, and in the 
 hands of fome people, though the Ox- moor would 
 undoubtedly have made a different appearance in 
 the world from what it did, or ever could do in 
 the condition it lay, — yet every tittle of this was 
 
 c c4 true 
 
V 
 
 402 THE LIFE Al^B OPINIONS 
 
 true with regard to my brother Bobby, — let Oba- 
 diah lay what he would. - 
 
 In point of intereftj — the conteft, I own, at firft 
 fight, did not appear fo undecifive betwixt them; 
 for whenever my father took pen and ink in hand, 
 and fet about calculating the fimple expence of 
 paring and burning, and fencing in the Ox-moor, 
 &c. &c. — w ith the certain profit it would bring 
 him in return, — the latter turned out fo prodigioufly ^ 
 in his way of working the account, that you w ouid 
 have fv> orn the Ox-moor would have carried ail 
 before it ; for it was plain he fhould reap a hun- 
 dred lalts of rape, at twenty pounds a laft, the 
 very firft year, — befides an excellent crop of wheat 
 the year following; — and the year after that, to 
 fpeak within bounds, a hundred ; — ^but, in all like- 
 lihood, a hundred and fifty, — if not two hundred 
 quarters of peafe and beans, — befides potatoes w ith- 
 out end.- — But then to think he was all this while 
 breeding up my brother, like a hog to eat them, — . 
 knocked all on the head again, and generally left 
 the old gentleman in fuch a ftate of fufpenfe, — that, 
 as he often declared to my uncle Toby, — he knew 
 no more than his heels what to do. 
 
 Nobody but he who has felt it, can conceive 
 what a plaguing thing it is to have a man s mind 
 torn afunder by two projects of equal ftrength, both 
 obftinately pulling in a contrary direfilion at the 
 fame time; for, to lay nothing of the havoc, which 
 by a certain confequence is unavoidably made by 
 it all over the finer fyftem of the nerves, which you 
 know convey the animal fpirits and more fubtle 
 
 juices 
 
OF TRISTRAM SPIAXDY. 403 . 
 
 juices from the heart to the head, and lb on, — it 
 is not to be told in ^vhat a degree iiich a wayward 
 kind of fri6tion works upon the more grofs and 
 Iblid parts, wafting the fat and impairing the 
 ftrength of a man ev ery tune as it goes backwards 
 and forwards. 
 
 My father bad certainly funk under this evil, as 
 certainly as he had done under that of my Chris- 
 tian NAME, had he not been refcued out of it, as 
 he was out of that, by a frefli evil : — the misfor- 
 tune of my brother Bobby's death. 
 
 What is the life of man ? Is it not to fliift from 
 fide to (ide ? — from forrow to forrow ? — to button 
 up one caufe of vexation, — and unbutton another? 
 
 CHAP. XXXII. 
 
 FROM this moment I am to be confidered as 
 heir-apparent to the Shandy family; — and it is 
 from this point properly, that the ftory of my 
 Life and Opinions fetsout. With all my hurry 
 and precipitation, I have been but clearing the 
 ground to raife the building; — and fuch a building 
 do I forefee it will torn out, as never was planned, 
 and as never w^as executed fmce Adam. In lefs 
 than five minutes I fliall have thrown my pen into 
 the fire, and the little drop of thick ink which is left 
 remaining at the bottom of my ink-horn, after it: — • 
 I have but half a fcore things to do in the time ; — 
 I have a thing to name, — a thing to lament, — a 
 thing to hope,— a thing to promife, — and a thing 
 to threaten. — I have a thing to fuppofC;, — a thing 
 
 to 
 
404 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 to declare, — a thing to conceal, — a thing to choofe, 
 — and a thing to pray for. — This chapter, therefore, 
 I name the chapter of Things, — and my next 
 chapter to it, that is, the firft chapter of my next 
 volume, if I live, lliall be my chapter upon Whis- 
 kers, in order to keep up fome fort of connexion 
 in my works. 
 
 The thing I lament is, that things have crowded 
 in fo thick upon me, that I have not been able to 
 get into that part of my work, towards which I 
 have all the way looked forwards with fo much 
 earneft defire ; and that is the campaigns, but 
 elpecially the amours of my uncle Toby, the events 
 of which are of fo fingular a nature, and fo Cer- 
 vantic a caft, that if I can fo manage it, as to con- 
 \'ey but the fame impreffions to every other brain 
 which the occurrences themfelves excite in my own, 
 ~\ vv'ill anfwer for it, the book ihall make its way in 
 the world much better than its mafter has done be- 
 fore it. — Oh Triftram! Triftram ! can this but be 
 once brought about^ — the credit which will attend 
 thee as an author, fliall counterbalance the many 
 evils which have befallen thee as a man ; — thou 
 wilt feaft upon the one, — when thou haft loft all 
 fenfe and remembrance of the other ! 
 
 No wonder I itch lb much as I do to get at 
 thefe amours: — they are the choiceft morfel of my 
 whole ftory! and when I do get at em, — affure 
 yourfelves, good folks — (nor do I value whofe 
 fqueamifti ftomach takes offence at it) I fhall not be 
 at all nice in the choice of my words! — ai]d that's 
 the thing I have to declare^ — ftiali never get all 
 
 through 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 405 
 
 through in five mmutes, that I fear : — and the 
 thing I hope is, that your Worftiips and Reve- 
 rences are not offended : — if you are, depend upon't 
 I'll give you fomethiiig, my good gentry, next year 
 to be oft'ended at ; — thats my dear Jenny's way; — 
 but who my Jenny is, — and which is the right and 
 which the wrong end of a w oman, — is the thing to 
 be concealed: — it fliall be told you in the next 
 chapter but one to my chapter of Button-holes; — 
 and not one chapter before. 
 
 And now that you have juft got to the end of 
 thefe four volumes *, — the thing I have to ^^is, how 
 you feel your heads ? my own aches difmally ! — As 
 for your healths, I know they are much better. — 
 True Shandeifm, think what you will againftit, opens 
 the heart and lungs; and, like all thofe affeCtions 
 which partake of its nature, it forces the blood and 
 other vital fluids of the body to run freely through 
 their channels, and makes the wheel of life run 
 long and cheerfully round. 
 
 Was I left, like Sancho Pan^a, to choofe my 
 kingdom, it Ihould not be maritime, — or a king- 
 dom of blacks, to make a penny of ; — no, it fliould 
 be a kingdom of hearty laughing fubje6ts : and as the 
 bilious and more faturnine paffions, by creating dif- 
 orders in the blood and humours, have as bad an 
 influence, I fee, upon the body politic as body 
 natural ; — and as nothing but a habit of virtue can 
 fully govern thofe paffions, and llibjecl them to 
 reafon,— I fhould add to my prayer, — that God 
 would give my lubjects grace to be wise as they 
 
 * According to the original editions, 
 
 were 
 
4o6 THE LIFE AND OPINION'S, SCC. 
 
 were merry ; and then fhould I be the happieft 
 monarch, and they the happieft people under 
 Heaven. 
 
 And lb with this moral for the prefent, may it 
 pleafe your Worfliips and your Reverences, I take 
 my leave of you till this tune twelvemonth, when 
 (unlefs this vile cough kills me in the meantime) 
 I'll have another pluck at your beards, and lay 
 open a ftory to the world you little dream of. 
 
Dixeto si quid forte jocosius, hoc mihi juris 
 Cum vema <ial)is. HoR. 
 
 "—Si qiiis cahiinnieiur levins esse quam decet tlieologura, aut 
 niorciacius quam deceat Christiamim — noii Ego, sed Dcmocritus 
 dixit. — Er? AS VI us. 
 
 Si quis Ciericus, aut IMonachus, vcrhd j irulatoria, ri um iiioventia, 
 sci'-bat, anathema csto Second Council of Carthage. 
 
 VOL. V. ORIG. EDIT. 
 
TO THE 
 
 RIGHT HONOURABLE 
 
 JOHN, 
 LORD VISCOUNT SPENCER. 
 
 MY LORD, 
 
 I HUMBLY beg leave to offer you thefe two 
 Volumes*; they are the beft my talents, with fuch bad 
 health as I have, could produce : — had Providence 
 granted me a larger flock of either, they had been a 
 much more proper prefent to your Lordfliip. 
 
 I beg your Lordfliip will forgive me, if, at the fame 
 time I dedicate this Vl^ork to you, I join Lady 
 Spencer; in the liberty I take of infcribing the Story 
 of Le Fevre, in the fixth volume to her name; for 
 which 1 have no other motive, which my heart has in- 
 formed me of, but that the llory is a humane one„ 
 
 I am, MY LORD, 
 
 Your Lordfliip's moft devoted 
 and moft humble Servant^ 
 
 LAUR. STERNE. 
 
 * Volumes V. and VI. in the original Edition, 
 
[ 407 ] 
 
 THE 
 
 LIFE x\ND OPINIONS 
 
 OF 
 
 TRISTRAM SHANDY, Gext. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 IF it had not been for thefe two mettlefome tits, 
 and that mad-cap of a poftilhon who drove 
 them from Stilton to Stamford, the thought had 
 never entered my head. He flew Uke lightning : — • 
 there was a flope of three miles and a half; — we 
 fcarce touched the ground, — the motion w as moft 
 rapid, — moft impetuous; — 'twas communicated to 
 my brainj my heart partook of it. — By the 
 great god of day," iaid I, looking towards the Sun, 
 and thrufting my arm out of the fore-window of the 
 chaife, as I made my vow, I will lock up my 
 ftudy-door the moment I get home, and throw 
 the key of it ninety feet below the furface of the 
 earth, into the draw-well at the back of my 
 houfe." 
 
 The London w^aggon confirmed me in my refolu- 
 tion ; it hung tottering upon the hill, fcarce pro- 
 greffive, dragged, — dragg d up by eight heavy heaftsy 
 by main ftrength — -quoth I^ nodding; but 
 
 your 
 
408 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 your betters draw the fame way, — and fomething 
 of every body's I — O rare ! " 
 
 Tell ine, ye learned, lhall we for ever be adding 
 fo much to the hulk^ — fo little to the Jiock ? 
 
 Shall we for ever make new books, as apothecaries 
 make new mixtures, by pouring only out of one 
 veffel into another ? 
 
 Are we for ever to be t^vil^ing, and untwiftinc? 
 the fame rope ? for ever in the fame track, — for 
 ever at the fame pace ? 
 
 Shall we be deftined to the days of eternity ; on 
 holy-days as well as working days, to be fliewing 
 the relics of learnings as monks do the relics of their 
 faints, — without working one, — one fingle miracle 
 with them ? 
 
 Who made Man, with powers which dart him 
 from earth to heaven in a moment; — that great, 
 that moft excellent, and moft noble creature of the 
 world, — the miracle of nature, as Zoroafter, in his 
 book m^i (ptVfw?, called him; — the Shekinah of the 
 Divine Prefence, as Chryfoftom ; — the image of 
 God, as Mofes ; — the ray of Divinity, as Plato ;— 
 the Marvel of Marvels^ as Ariltotle,— to go fneak- 
 ing on at this pitiful, < — pimping, — pettifogging 
 rate ? 
 
 I fcorn to be as abufive as Horace upon the oc- 
 cafion ; — but if there is no catachrefis in the wifli^ 
 and no fin in it, I wi(h from my foul, that every 
 imitator in Great Britain, France, and Ireland, had 
 the farcy for his pains ; and tliat there was a 
 farcical houfe, large enough to hold, — aye, — and 
 fublimate them, tag-rag and hoh-tail^ male and 
 
 female^ 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 409 
 
 female, all together : and this leads me to the afluir 
 of whiftcers : — but by what chain of ideas, — I leave 
 as a legacy in mcrlmain to Prudes and Tartufs, to 
 enjoy and make the moft of. 
 
 UPON WHISKERS. 
 
 Tm forry I made it; — 'twas as inconfideratc 
 a promife as ever entered a man's head. — A 
 chapter upon whifl^ers ! alas ! the m orld will not 
 bear it ! — 'tis a delicate world ; — but I knew not 
 of what mettle it was made,--— nor had I ever feen 
 the under-written fragment; otherwife, as furely 
 as nofes are nofes, and whiiTiers are w^hiikers liiil 
 (let the world lay w4iat it will to the contrary) fo 
 furely would I have fteered clear of this dangerous 
 chapter. 
 
 THE FRAGMENT. 
 
 ######## 
 # # # # # # # # 
 
 — — You are half afleep, my good lady^ faid the 
 old gentleman, taking hold of the old lady's hand^ 
 and giving it a gentle fqueeze as he pronounced 
 the word whifkers. — Shall we change the fubjecl? 
 
 'By no means, replied the old lady I like 
 
 your account of thofe matters : fo throwing a 
 thin gauze handkerchief over her head, and lean- 
 ing it back upon the chair, with her face turned 
 towards him, and advancing her two feet as ilie- 
 
 reclined 
 
410 THE LIFE AND OriNIONS 
 
 reclined herfelf, — I defire, continued fae^ you Mali 
 goon. 
 
 The old gentleman went on as follows : — • 
 Whiflvers ! cried tlie Queen of Navarre, dropping 
 her knotting-ball as La Foffeufe uttered the w^ord. 
 — Whiikers, Madam ! laid La Foffeufe, pinning the 
 ball to the queen s apron, and making a courteiy 
 as ihe repeated it. 
 
 La Foffeufe's voice was natJirally 'foft and low, 
 yet 'twas an articulate voice ; and every letter of 
 the word whif^ers fell difiinClly upon the Queen of 
 
 Navarre's ear. Whiikers ? cried the queen, 
 
 laying a greater ftreis upon the word, and as if (he 
 
 had fail difirufted her ears. Whiikers ! replied 
 
 La Foiieufe, repeating the word a third time. — ^ 
 There is not a cavalier. Madam, of his age in 
 Navarre, continued the maid of honour, prcffing 
 the page s intereft upon the queen, that has fo 
 
 gallpuit. a pair Of what? cried Margaret, 
 
 Iniiling. Of whiikers, faid La Foffeufe, with 
 
 infinite modefty. 
 
 The ^vord wklfiers ftill ftood its ground, and 
 continued to be made ufe of in moft of the beft 
 companies throughout the little kingdom of Na- 
 varre, notwithftanding the indifcreet ufe which La 
 Foffeufe had made of it : the truth was, La Foffeufe 
 had pronounced the word not only before the 
 queen, but upon fundry other occafions at court, 
 with an accent wliich always implied fomething 
 of a myftery. — And as the court of Margaret, as 
 all the world knows, was at that time a mixture of 
 gallantry and devotion^— and whiikers being as 
 
 appUcable 
 
OF TRISTRAM STIANDY. 411 
 
 applicable to the one as the other, the word na- 
 turally ftood Its ground ; — it gained full as much 
 as it loft; that is, the clergy were for ir,— the laity 
 Were againft it, — and, for the women, they were 
 divided. 
 
 The excellency of the figure and mien of the 
 young Sieur de Croix, was at that time begin- 
 ^iing to draw the intention of the maids of honour 
 towards the terrace before the palace-gate, where 
 the guard was mounted. The lady Ue Bauffiere 
 fell deeply in love with him, — La Battarelle did 
 the lame it was the fineft weather for it tiiat 
 ever was remembered in Navarre. — La Guyol, 
 La Maronette, La Sabatiere, fell in iove with 
 the Sieur De Croix aifo; — La Rebours and La 
 Foffeufe knew better : — De Croix had failed in 
 an attempt to recommend himfeif to La Rebours ; 
 and La Rebours and La Foffeufe were infeparable. 
 
 The Queen of Navarre was fittings; withher ladies 
 in the painted bow -window^, facino^ the gate of the 
 fecond court, as De Croix palled through it. — 
 
 He is handibme, faid tiie Lady Bauifiore. 
 
 He has a good mien, fiid La Battarelle. He 
 
 is finely ftiaped, faid La Guyol. i never faw 
 
 an officer of the horfe-guards in my Hfe, faid La 
 
 Maronette, with two fuch legs ; Or who ftood 
 
 fo well upon them, faid La Sabatiere. But he 
 
 has no whifl^ers, cried La Foffeufe. Not a pile, 
 
 faid La Rebours. 
 
 The queen went directly to her oratory, mufing 
 all the vv^ay, as fhe walked through the gallery, 
 upon the fubjefil; turning it this way and that 
 YOLo I, D B waii^ 
 
412 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 way in her fancy. — Ave Maria H what can 
 
 Foffeufe mean? faid ftie, kneeling down upon the 
 cufliion. 
 
 La Guyol, La Battarelle, La Maronette, La 
 Sabatiere, retired inftantiy to their chambers, 
 Whifleers ! faid all four of them to themfelves, as 
 they bolted their doors on the infide. 
 
 The Lady Carnavallette was counting her bead^ 
 with both hands, unfufpected, under her farthingale. 
 ■ — From St. Anthony down to St. Urfula, inclufive, 
 iiot a feint palTed through her fingers without 
 whifkers; St. Francis, St. Dominick, St. Bennet, 
 St. Bafil, St. Bridget, had all whilkers. 
 
 The Lady Bauffiere had got into a wildernefs of 
 conceits, with moralizing too intricately upon La 
 FolTeuie s text : — ftie mounted her palfrey, her page 
 followed her, — the hoft paiTed by, — the Lady Bauf- 
 fiere rode on. 
 
 One denier, cried the Order of Mercy, ^ — one 
 fingle denier, in behalf of a thoufand patient cap- 
 tives, whofe eyes look towards Heaven and you for 
 their redemption. 
 
 The Lady Bauffiere rode on. 
 
 Pity the unhappy, faid a devout, venerable, 
 hoary-headed man, meekly holding up a box be- 
 girt with iron in his withered hands. — I beg for 
 the unfortunate : — good, my lady, 'tis for a prifon, 
 ' — for an hofpital, — 'tis for an old man, — a poor 
 man undone by fliipwreck, by furetyfliip, by fire : 
 —I call God and all his angels to witnefs, — ^'tis 
 to clothe the naked, — to feed the hungry, — 'tis to 
 comfort the fick and the broken-hearted, 
 
 Th© 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 413 
 
 The Lady Baufliere rode on. 
 A decayed kinfinan bowed himfelf to the 
 ground. 
 
 The Lady Baufliere rode on. 
 
 He ran bet^ging bare-headed on one fide of 
 her palfrey, conjuring her by the former bonds 
 
 of friendihip, alliance, confanguinity, &c. • 
 
 Coufin, aunt, filter, ajother, — ior virtue's fake, for 
 your own, for mine, for Ciirilt s fake, remember 
 me] — pity me! 
 
 The Lady Bauffiere rode on. 
 
 Take hold of my whijkers^ laid the Lady 
 
 Bauffiere. The page took old of her 'palfrey. 
 
 She difmounted at the end of the terrace. 
 
 There are fome trains of certain ideas which 
 leave prints of themlelves about our eyes and 
 eye-brows; and there is a confcioufnefs of it, 
 fomevi^here about the heart, which ferves but to 
 make thefe etchings the fi:ronger. — We fee, fpell, 
 and put them together without a dictionary. 
 
 Ha, ha! he, hee! cried La Guyol and La 
 Sabatiere, looking clofe at each other's prints. 
 Ho, ho! cried La Battarelle and Maronette, 
 doing the fame. — Whift! cried one;~ft, ft, faid 
 a fecond ; — hufh, quoth a third ; — poo, poo, re- 
 plied a fourth ; — gramercy ! cried the Lady 
 Carnavallette ; — 'twas flie who bewhiflcerd St. 
 Bridget. 
 
 La Foffeufe drew her bodkin from the knot of 
 her hair, and having traced the outline of a fmall 
 whilker, with the blunt end of it; upon one fide of 
 
 p p te her 
 
414 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 her upper lip, put it into La Rebours' hand.~La 
 Rebours fliook her head. 
 
 The Lady Bav:ffiere coughed thrice into ths 
 
 infide of her muff. — ■ — La Guyol Ihiiled. Fy ! 
 
 faid the Lady Lauffiere. The Queen of Navarre 
 toucficd her eye with the tip of her fore-linger,— 
 as much as to fay, I undeiftand you alL 
 
 'Tvvas plain to the whole court the word w^as 
 ruined: La Foffeufe had given it a wound, and 
 it was not the better for pafling through all thefs 
 defiles. -It made a faint ftand, how^ever, for a 
 few months; by the expiration of which, the 
 Sieur De Croix, finding it hio;h time to leave 
 Navarre for want of whiikers, — the w^ord in courfe 
 became indecent, and (after a few efforts) abfolutely 
 unfit for ufe. . 
 
 The heft word in the beft language of the beft 
 world, mult have iuffered under fueh com.bina- 
 tions.-- — The Curate d'Eftella wrote a book 
 againft them, fatting forth the dangers of accef- 
 fory ideas, and warning the Navarrois againft 
 them. 
 
 Does not all the world know, faid thfe Curate 
 d'Eftella, at the conclufion of his work, that Nofe^ 
 ran the lame fate, fome centuries ago, in moft parts? 
 of Europe, which whifl^ers have now done in the 
 kingdom of Navarre ? — ^The evil, indeed, fpread 
 no farther then ; but have not beds and bolfters^ 
 and night-caps, and chamber-pots, Itbod upon the 
 brink of deltrufilion ever fmce? Are not troufe^ 
 and placket-holeS; and pump-handles, — and fpigot.^ 
 
' OF TRISTRxXM SHAlSrrfV. 41 5 
 
 and faucets, in danger ftill from the i-mie aiToci- 
 ation? — Chaltity, by nat'im, the gentleft of all 
 alfeftions, — give it but its liead, — 'tis like a raiiip- 
 iiig and a roarin ji; lion. 
 
 The drift of the Curate d'Eftellas argument 
 was not underftood : they ran the fceni the wrong 
 way. — Tiie world bridled his als at the tail. — • 
 And when the extremes of Delicacy^ and the 
 ieginnings of Concupijcence^ hold their next pro- 
 vincial chapter together, they may decree that 
 l^awdy alfo. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 WHEN my father received the letter which 
 brought him the melancholy account of my bro- 
 ther Bobby s death, he was bufy calculating the 
 expence of his riding poft from Calais to Parisj 
 and fb on to Lyons, 
 
 'Twas a molt inaulpicious journey: my fither 
 'having had every foot of it to travel o/er ^!v- :in, 
 and his calculation to begin afrefh, when h lutd 
 almoit got to the end of it, by Obadialf s opening 
 the door to acquaint him the family was out of 
 yeaft,— and to alk whether he might not toike the 
 great coach-horfe early in the morning, and ride 
 in fearch of fome. — — With all nriy heart, Obadiah, 
 faid my father (purluing his journey),; — take the 
 coach-horfe, and welcome. — — But wants a 
 
 &oe, poor creature! faid Obadiah. -Poor 
 
 ^creature ! faid my uncle Toby, vibrating the note 
 
 B D 3 back 
 
41 6 THE LIFE AND OPINION* 
 
 back again, like a firing in unifon. Then ride 
 
 the Scotch horfe, quoth my father, haftily.- He 
 
 cannot bear a faddie upon his back, quoth Oba- 
 
 diah, for the whole world. The Devil's in 
 
 that horfe; then take Patriot, cried my father, 
 
 and flmt the door. —Patriot is fold, faid Obadiah. 
 
 • Here's for you ! cried my father, making a 
 
 paule, and looking in my uncle Toby's face as if 
 
 the thing had not been a matter of fa«5l.-- Your 
 
 Worfliip ordered ine to lell him laft April, faid 
 
 Obadiah. Then go on foot for your pains, 
 
 cried my father. 1 had much rather walk than 
 
 ride, faid Obadiah, Ihutting the door. 
 
 VV hat plagues ! cried my father, going on with 
 his calculation. — But the waters are out, faid 
 Obadiah, — opening the door again. 
 
 Till that moment, my father, who had a map 
 of Sanfon's, and a book of the poft-roads before 
 him, had kept his hand upon the head of his 
 compaffes, with one foot of them fixed upon 
 Nevers, the laft ftage he had paid for, — purpofing 
 to go on from that point with his journey and 
 calculation, as foon as Obadiah quitted the room : 
 but this fecond attack of Obadiah's, in opening 
 the door and laying the whole country under 
 water, was too much. — He let go his compaffes, 
 — or, rather, with a mixed motion between ac- 
 cident and anger, he threw them upon the table: 
 and then there was nothing for him to do, but 
 to return back to Calais (like many others) as 
 wife as he fet out. 
 
 When the letter was brought into the parlour^ 
 
 which 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 417 
 
 'v^^ich contained the news of my brother's death, 
 my father had got forwards again upon his jour- 
 ney to within a ftride of the compaffes of the 
 
 very fame ftage of Nevers. By your leave, 
 
 Monf Sanfon, cried my father, ftriking the point 
 ^of his compafTes through Nevers into the table, 
 ' — and nodding to my uncle Toby, to fee what 
 was in the letter, — -twice in one night is too 
 much for an Englifli gentleman and his fon, 
 Monf. Sanfon, to be turned back from fo loufy 
 a town as Nevers. What think'lt thou, Toby? 
 
 added my father in a fprightly tone. Unlels 
 
 it be a garrifon-town, faid my uncle Toby, fot 
 
 then I fliall be a fool, faid my father, fmihng 
 
 to himfelf, as long as I live. — So giving a fecond 
 nod, and keeping his compafTes ftill upon Nevers 
 with one hand, and holding his book of the poft- 
 roads in the other, — half calculating and half 
 liftening, he leaned forwards upon the table with 
 both elbows, as my uncle Toby hummed over 
 tthe letter. 
 
 • • he's gone! 
 
 faid my uncle Toby. — — Where? — Who? cried 
 
 my father. My nephew, faid my uncle Toby. 
 
 What, — without leave, — without money, — - 
 
 without governor? cried my father in amaze- 
 ment. No: — he is dead, my dear brother, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby. -Without being ill? 
 
 cried my father again. 1 dai^e fay not, faid 
 
 P D 4 m J 
 
41 8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 rny uncle Toby, in a low voice, and fetching ^ 
 deep figh from the bottom of his heart; he haa. 
 been ill enough, poor lad ! Ill anfwer for him, — • 
 fur he is dead. 
 
 When Agrippina was told of her fon s death, 
 Tacitus informs us, that, not being able to mo- 
 derate the violence of her paflions, (he abruptly 
 
 broke off her work. My jaiher ftuck his 
 
 compaffes into Nevers but fo much the fafter. — > 
 Wliat contrarieties ! his, indeed, was matter of 
 calculation ! Agrippina's miift have been quite a 
 different affair; who elfe could pretend to reafon 
 fi om hiltory ? 
 
 How my father went on, in my opinion^ de- 
 ferves a chapter to itfelf. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 ' — — AND a chapter it fliali have, and a 
 
 devil of a one too ; — fo look to yourfelves. 
 
 'Tis either Plato, or Plutarch, or Seneca, or 
 Xenophon, or Epi&tus, or Theophraftus, or 
 Lucian, — or fome one, perhaps, of later date^ — • 
 either Cardan, or Budaeus, or Petrarch, or Stella, 
 • — or, poffibly, it may be fome divine or father 
 of the church ; St. Auftin, or St. Cyprian, or Bar- 
 nard, v\ho affirms, that it is an irrefiftible and 
 natural paffion to weep for the lofs of our friends 
 or children; — and Seneca (Fm pofitive) tells us 
 fomewhere, that fuch griefs evacmite themfelves 
 
 beft 
 
OF TT?/ISTRAM SHANDY. 4ig, 
 
 heft by that particular channel : and, accordingly, 
 we find, that David wept tor his fon Abialom, 
 Adrian for Lis Antinous, Niobe for her children, 
 and that Apollodorus and Crito both flied tears 
 for Socr tes before his death. 
 
 My fatlier managed his afiiiftion otherwife; and, 
 indeed, differently irom nioft men, either ancient 
 or modern ; for he neitiier wept it away, as the 
 Hebre^vs and the Romans, — nor flept it off, as the 
 Laplanders," — nor handed it, as tlie Enghlli, — nor 
 drowned it, as the German ; — nor did he cnrfe it, 
 or damn it, or excommunicate it, nor rhime it, 
 nor liilabullero it. 
 
 — He got rid of it, however. 
 
 Will your worfliips give me leave to fqueeze in 
 a ftory between thefe two pages. 
 
 When Tully was bereft of his dear daughter 
 Tullia, at firft he iaid it to his heart, — he liftened 
 to the voice of nature, and modulated his own 
 unto it. — O my Tullia ! my daugiiter ! my child ! 
 • — itill, ftill, Itiil, — 'twas O my Tullia !— my 
 Tullia! Methinks I fee my Tullia, I hear my 
 TuUia, I talk with my Tullia. — But, as loon as 
 he began to look into the ftores of philofophy, and 
 confider how many excellent things might be faid 
 upon t le occafion, — nobody upon earth can con- 
 ceive, lays the great orator, how happy, how joyful 
 it made me. 
 
 My father w^as as proud of his eloquence as 
 Marcus Tullius Cicero could be for his life, and, 
 for aught I am convinced of to the contrary at 
 prefent; with as much reafon : it waS; indeed, his 
 
 ftrength— 
 
420 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 firength — and his weaknefs too. — His ftrengtli, 
 ^or he was by nature eloquent; and liis weaJc- 
 iiefe, for he was hourly a dupe to it ; and^ pro- 
 vided an occafion in life would but pera^it him 
 to Ihew his talents, or fay either a wife thing, a 
 witty, or a flirewd one — (bating the caie of a fyf- 
 tematic misfortune) — he had all he wanted. — A 
 felefiing which tied up my father s tongue, and a 
 misfortone which fet it loofe with a good grace, 
 were pretty equal: fometimes, indeed, the mis- 
 fortune was the better of the two ; for inftance, 
 where the pleafure of the harangue was as ten^ 
 and the pain of the misfortune but as five, — my 
 father gained half in half; and, coirfequently, 
 was as well again off as if it had never befallen 
 Km. 
 
 This elue will unravel what otherwife would 
 feem very inconfiftent in my father s domeftic cha- 
 rafiler; — and it is this that, in the provocations 
 arilin^ from the negleCIs and blunders of fervants, 
 m other mifliaps, unavoidable in a family, his 
 OTsger, or rather the duration of it, eternally ran 
 counter to all conj€9:ure. 
 
 My father had a favourite little mare, which 
 iie bad configned over to a moft beautiful Ara- 
 bian horfe, in order to have a pad out of her for 
 his own riding. He was fanguine in all his pro- 
 jects ; fo talked about his pad every day with as 
 abfolute a fecurity, as if it had been reared, 
 fcroke, — and bridled and faddled at his door 
 ready for mounting. By fome negleft or other 
 m Obadiah, it fo fell out, that my father s ex- 
 3 peftations 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 421 
 
 peclations were anfwered with nothing better than 
 a mule, and as ugly a beaft of the kind as ever 
 w^as produced. 
 
 My mother and my uncle Toby expeCled my 
 father would be the death of Obadiah, — and that 
 
 there would never be an end of the difafter. 
 
 See here! you rafcal, cried my father, pointing 
 
 to the mule, what you have done! It was 
 
 not I, faid Obadiah. How do I know that? 
 
 replied my father. 
 
 Triumph fwam in my fathers eyes at the repar- 
 tee, — the Attic fait brought water into them; — 
 and fo Obadiah heard no more about it. 
 
 Now let us go back to my brother's death. 
 
 Philofophy has a fine faying for every thing. 
 ' — For Death, it has an entire fet: the mifery 
 w^as, they all at once rufhed fo into my fathers 
 head, that Was difficult to ftring them together, 
 fo as to make any thing of a confiftent fhow out 
 of them. — He took them as they came. 
 
 " 'Tis an inevitable chance, — the firft ftatute 
 
 in Magna Charta; — it is an everlafting aCl of 
 
 parliament, my dear brother, — All muji die. 
 If my fon could not have died, it had been 
 
 matter of wonder; — not that he is dead. 
 
 Monarchs and piinces dance in the fame 
 
 ring vi^ith us. 
 
 — To die, is the great debt and tribute due 
 
 unto nature: tombs and monuments, which 
 ^' fiiould perpetuate our memories, pay it them- 
 " felves ; and the proudeft pyramid of them all, 
 
 which Wealth and Science have erected, has 
 
 loft 
 
422 ' THE LIFE AND OPINIO!>^S 
 
 ioft its apex, and ftands obtruncated in the 
 
 .traveller s horizon." (My father found he 
 
 got great eafe, and went on) — Kingdoms and 
 " provinces, and towns and cities, have they not 
 their periods? and when tiiofe principles and 
 " powers, which at firft cemented and put them 
 " together, have performed their leveral evolutions, 
 
 " they fall back." Brother Shandy, feid my 
 
 uncle Toby, laying down his pipe at the word 
 
 €VohiticnSj — Revolutions, I meant, quoth my 
 
 father; — by Heaven ! I meant revoiations, brotiier 
 
 Toby; — evolu Lions is noniecfe.- 'Tis not non- 
 
 fenie, — laid my uncle Toby. But is it not 
 
 Bonfenfe to break the thread of liich a diicourfe 
 upon fach an occafioii? cried my father: — do 
 not, dear 1 c«by, continued he, taking him by the 
 hand, do not — do not, I befeech thee, interrupt 
 me at this crifis.- — -My uncle Toby put his pipe 
 into Lis mouth. 
 
 " vV here is Troy and Mycenae, and Thebes and 
 Delos, Perfepolis and Agrigentum t " continued 
 my father, taking up his book of poft-roads, which 
 he had laid down.— V/hat is become, brother 
 loby, of Kiaeveh and Babylon, of Cyzicum 
 ^' and Mitylenae ? the faireft towns that ever the 
 iun rofe upon, are now no more; the names only 
 are left; and thofe (for many of them are wrong 
 fpclt) are falling themfelves by piece-meal to 
 decay, and in length of time will be forgotten, 
 and involved with every thing in a perpetual 
 " night. The world itfelf, brother Toby, muft, — 
 " mult come to an end* 
 
 Returning 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXBYc 42^5 
 
 Returning out of Afia, when I failed from 
 ^^^o'ina towards ^Merara" (when can this have 
 been? thought my uncle Toby) " I began to view 
 the country round about. — iEgina was behind 
 " me, Megara was before, Pyraeus on the right 
 hand, Corinth on the left. — What flouriihing 
 towns now proltrate upon the earth ! Alas ! alas! 
 laid I to myfelf, that man fhould difturb his foul 
 for the lofs of a child, when fo much as this 
 " lies awfully buried in his prefence ! — Remember^ 
 iaid I to myfeif again, — relnember thou art a 
 
 " man." 
 
 Now, my uncle Toby knew not that this laft 
 paragraph was an extraClof Servius Sulpicius's con- 
 folatory letter to Tully:— he had as little Ikill, 
 honeft man, in the fragments, as he had in the 
 wiiole pieces of antiquity: — and as my father, 
 whilft he was concerned in the Turkey trade, had 
 been three or four different times in the Levant, m 
 one of which he had ftaid a whole year and an 
 half at Zant, my uncle Toby naturally concluded, 
 that, in fome one of thefe periods, he had taken 
 trip acrofs the Archipelago into Afia ; and that all 
 this failing affair, with /Egina behind, and Megara 
 before, and Pyrseus on the right hand, &c. &c. was 
 nothing more than the true courfe of my father's 
 voyage and reflections. — 'Twas certainly in his 
 manner; and many an undertaking critic w^ould 
 have built two ftories higher upon worle founda- 
 tions. And pray, brother, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, laying the end of his pipe upon my father s 
 hand in a kindly way of interruption,- — but w^aiting 
 
 till 
 
424 THE LIFE AND OPIJVriOlSrS 
 
 till he finilhed the account, — What year of our 
 Lord was this ? 'Twas no year of our Lord, re- 
 plied my father. That's impoffible, cried my 
 
 uncle Toby. Simpleton ! faid my father, — 'twas 
 
 forty years before Chrift w^as born. 
 
 My uncle Toby had but two things for it; either 
 to fuppofe his brother to be the Wandering Jew^, 
 or that his misfortunes had difordered his brain. 
 May the Lord God of heaven and earth 
 
 proteQ: and reftore him !" faid my uncle Toby, 
 praying filently for my father, and with tears in his 
 eyes. 
 
 My father placed the tears to a proper account, 
 and went on with his harangue with great fpirit.- — - 
 
 " There is not fuch great odds, brother Tpby, 
 ^' betwixt good and evil as the world imagines." — 
 (This way of fetting off, by the bye, was not likely 
 to cure my uncle Toby's fufpicions.) ^ ■ Labour, 
 
 forrow, grief, ficknefs, want, and v/oe, are the 
 
 fauces of life." Much good may it do them^ 
 
 — faid my uncle Toby to himielf.' • 
 
 My fon is dead ! — fo much the better ; — 
 
 'tis a lhame, in fuch a tempeft to have but one 
 
 anchor. 
 
 But he is gone for ever from us ! — be it fo. — ^ 
 He is got from under the hands of his barber be- 
 ^' fore he was bald ; — he is but rilen from a feaft 
 before he was furfeited ; — from a banquet before 
 he had got drunken. 
 
 The Thracians wept when a child was born,'* 
 — (and we were very near it, quoth my uncle Toby) 
 and feafted and made merry wdien a man 
 
 went 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 42^ 
 
 went out of the world ; and with realbn. Death 
 opens the gate of Fame, and fhuts the gate of 
 Envy after it : — it unloofes the chain of the 
 captive, — and puts the bondfinan s tafli into an-r 
 other man's hands. 
 
 " Shew me the man, who knows what Hfe is^ 
 who dreads it, — and Til fliew thee a prifoner who 
 ^' dreads his liberty/'— — 
 
 Is it not better, my dear brother Toby (for mark, 
 ' — our a ppetites are but difeafes)— is it not better 
 not to hunger at all, than to eat? — not to thirft,— 
 than to take phyfic to cure it? 
 
 Is it not better to be freed from cares and agues^ 
 — from love and melancholy, — and the other hot 
 and cold fits of life, than, like a galled traveller^ 
 who comes weary to his inn, to be bound to begirt 
 his journey afrefli ? 
 
 There is no terror, brother Toby, in its looks^ 
 but what it borrows from groans and convulfions, — 
 and the blowing of nofes and the wiping away of 
 tears with the bottoms of curtains, in a dying man s 
 
 room. — Strip it of thefe, — What is it? ^'Tis 
 
 better in battle than in bed, iaid my uncle Toby. — 
 Take away its hearfes, its mutes, and its mourning, 
 ' — its plumes, efcutcheons, and other mechanic aids^ 
 
 — What is it ? Better in battle ! continued my 
 
 father, fmiling, for he had abfolutely forgot my 
 brother Bobby ; — 'tis terrible no way,^ — for confider, 
 brother Toby, — when we are, death is not ; — and 
 
 when death is^ — we are not. My uncle Toby 
 
 laid down his pipe to confider the propofition ; my 
 father's eloquence was too rapid to ftay for any 
 
 man ; 
 
4^26 THE LIFE AND OPINiOlvrS 
 
 man ; — away it — and hurried my uncle 
 Toby's ideas along with it. 
 
 For this reafon, continued my father, 'tis worthy 
 to recollcCi:, how little alteration, in great men, the 
 approaches of death have made. — Vefpafian died 
 in a jeft upon his clofe-ftool ; — Galba with a fen- 
 tence ; — Septimus Severus in adilpatch ; — liberius 
 in diflimulation; — and Caefar Auguftus in a com- 
 pliment. 1 hope 'twas a fmcere one, — quoth 
 
 my uncle Toby. — 
 
 'Twas to his wife, — faid iry father. 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 — —AND laftly,— for of all the choice anec- 
 dotes which hiftory can produce of this matten 
 continued my father, — • tliis, like the gilded dome 
 which covers in the fabric, — crowns all. • 
 
 'Tis of Cornelius Gallus, the praetor, — ^which^ 
 
 I dare fay, brother Toby^ you liave read. 1 
 
 dare fay I have not, replied my uncle. —He 
 
 died, faid my father, as ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^> 
 
 uncle Toby, — there could be no hurt in it. • 
 
 That s more than I know, — replied my father. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 MY mother was going very gingerly in the dark 
 along the palTage which led to the parlour, as my 
 
 uncle 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 427 
 
 uncle Toby pronounced the word wife.--^Th a 
 flirill penetrating found of itfelf, and Obadiah had 
 helped it by leaving the door a little a-jar, fo t! at 
 my mother heard enough of it to imagine herf:lf 
 the fubje6t of the converfation ; fo laying the edge 
 of her finger acrofs her two lips, — holdingr in her 
 breath, and bending her head a little downwards? 
 with a twift of her neck — -(not towards the door, 
 but from it, by which means her ear was brought 
 to the chink) — llie liftened with all her powers: — • 
 the liftening flave, with the Goddefs of Silence at 
 his back, could not have given a finer thought 
 for an intaglio. 
 
 In this attitude I am determined to let her ftand 
 for five minutes, — till I br ing up the affairs of the 
 kitchen (as Rapin does thofe of the church) to the 
 fame period. 
 
 CHAP, vx^ 
 
 THOUGH, in one fenfe, our family was cer- 
 tainly a fimple machine, as it confifted of a few 
 wheels; yet there was thus much to be faidfor it, 
 that ihefe wheels were fet in motion by fo many 
 different fprings, and afted one upon the other 
 from fuch a variety of ftrange principles and im- 
 pulfes, — that though it w^as a fimpie machine, it 
 had all the honour and advantages of a complex 
 one, — and a number of as odd movements within 
 it, as ever were beheld in the infide of a Dutch . 
 filk-miU. 
 
 YOU EE Amongf]^ 
 
428 THE LIFE AND OFINIONS 
 
 Amongft thefe there was one, I am going to 
 fpeak of, ill which perhaps, it was not altogether 
 fo Angular as in many others; and it was this, that 
 whatever motion, debate, harangue, dialogue, pro- 
 jeft, or dilTertation, was going forward in the par- 
 lour, there was generally another at the fame time, 
 and upon the fame fubjeO:, running parallel along 
 witli it in the kitchen. 
 
 Now to bring this about, whenever an extraor- 
 dinary meifage, or letter, was delivered in the 
 parlour, — or a difcourfe fufpended till a fervant 
 went out, — or the lines of difcontent were oblerved 
 to hang upon the brows of my father or mother ; 
 — or, in ftiort, when any thing was fuppofed to be 
 upon the tapis worth knowing or liftening to, 'twas 
 the rule to leave the door, not abfolutely ftiut, but 
 fomevvhat a-jar, — as it ftands jnft now; — which, 
 under covert of the bad hinge (and tljat poffibly 
 might be one of the many reafons why it was never 
 mended) it was not difficult to manage ; by which 
 means, in all thefe cafes, a paffage was generally 
 left, not indeed fo wide as the Dardanelles, but 
 wide enough, for all that, to carry on as much of 
 this w^indward trade as v/as fufficient to fave my 
 father the trouble of governing his houfe ; — my 
 mother at 'this moment ftands profiting by it. — 
 Obadiah did the fame thing, as foon as he had left 
 the letter upon the table w\hich brought the news of 
 my brother s death ; fo that before my tather had 
 well got over his furprife and entered upon his 
 harangue, — ^had Trim got upon his legs, to fpeak 
 his fentiments upon the fubjefil, 
 
 A curious 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 409 
 
 A curious obferver of d he been vt orth 
 
 the inventory of all Job's ftock, — tho', by the bye, 
 your curious obferver s are Jeldom worth a grcat^ — 
 would have given the half of it to have heard Cor- 
 poral -Trim and my father, two orators fo con- 
 trafted by nature and education;, haranguing over 
 the fame bier. 
 
 My father, — a man of deep reading, ^ — prompt 
 memory, — with Cato, and Seneca, and Epiftetus, 
 at his fing;ers ends : — 
 
 The Corporal, — with nothing — to remember ; — • 
 of no deeper reading than his mufter-roll, — or 
 greater names at his fingers ends, than the contents 
 of it. 
 
 The one proceeding from period to period, by 
 metaphor and allufion, and ftrildng the fancy as he 
 went along (as men of wit and fancy do) Vv^ith the 
 entertainment and pleafantry of his pictures and 
 images. 
 
 The other, without wit or antithefis, or point, or 
 turn, this way or that ; but leaving the images on 
 one fide, and the pictures on the other, ^oing itraight 
 forwards, as nature could lead him, to the heart. 
 — O Trim ! would to Heaven thou hadft a better 
 hiftorian ! — Would thy hiftorian had a better pair 
 
 of breeches ! O ye critics ! will nothing melt 
 
 you? 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 —MY young mafter in London is dead? 
 faid Obadiah, 
 
 E E 2 - — A green 
 
430 THK LIFE AND OPIICIONS 
 
 — A green fatin night-gown of my mother's^ 
 
 which had been twice fcoured, was the firft idea 
 which Obadiah s exclamation brought into Sufan- 
 
 nah's head» Well might Locke write a chapter 
 
 upon the imperfeftions of wwds. Then, quoth 
 
 Sufannah, w^e muft all go into mourning. But 
 
 note a fecond time : the word mourning, notwith- 
 ftanding Sufannah made ufe of it herfelf,— failed 
 alfo of doing its office ; it excited not one fmgle 
 idea, tinged either with grey or black : — all w as 
 green." The green fatin night-gown hung there 
 ftilL 
 
 " — O! 'twill be the death of my poor Miftrefs^ 
 cried Sufannah. — My mother s whole wardrobe fol- 
 lowed." — What a polTeffion ! her red damalk, — her 
 orange- tawny,^ — her white and yellow luftrings, — > 
 her brown taffeta, — -her bone-laced caps, her bed- 
 gowns, and comfortable under petticoats. — Not a 
 rag was left behind. — No; — /he will never look 
 up again faid Sufannah. 
 
 We had a fat, foolifh Icullion ; — my father, I 
 think, kept her for her fimplicity ; — fhe had been all 
 
 autumn ftruggling with a dropfy, He is dead, 
 
 faid Obadiah ; — he is certainly dead ! -So am 
 
 not I, faid the foolifh fcullion. 
 
 ^ — Here is fad news, Trim, cried Sufknnah, 
 wiping her eyes as Trim ftepp'd into the kitchen ; 
 — Mafter Bobby is dead and buried! — the fu- 
 neral was an interpolation of Suiannah's; — we 
 fhall have all to go into mourning, faid Sufannah. 
 
 1 hope not, faid Trim. You hope not ! cried 
 
 Sufannahj^ earneftiy, — ^The mourning ran not ia 
 
 . - ' Trim's 
 
017 TRISTRAIM SHANDY. 431 
 
 Trim's head, whatever it did in Siifannah's. — 
 
 I hope,^ — (aid Trim/ explaining himfelf, I hope ixi 
 
 God the news is not true. 1 heard the letter 
 
 read with my own ears, anfwered Obadiah ; and 
 we fliall have a terrible piece of work of it in 
 
 ftubbing the Ox-moor. Oh ! he's dead, faid 
 
 Sulannah.- As fure, faid the fculUon, as I'm 
 
 alive. 
 
 I lament for liim from my heart and my foul, 
 faid Trim, fetching a figh. — Poor creature ! — poor 
 boy ! — poor gentleman ! 
 
 He was alive laft WhitfuntideT faid the 
 
 coachman. Whitfuntide ! alas 1 cried Trim, ex- 
 tending his right arm, and falling inftantly into the 
 fame attitude in which he read the fermon,-— what 
 is Whitfuntide, Jonathan (for that was the coach- 
 man s name) or Shrovetide, or any tide or time 
 paft, to this ? Are we not here now, continued the 
 Corporal (ftriking the end of his ftick perpendicu- 
 larly upon the floor, lb as to give an idea of health 
 and ftability) ; — and are we not — (dropping his hat- 
 upon the ground) gone! in a moment! — 'Twas 
 infinitely ftriking ! Sufannah burft into a flood of 
 tears. — We are not ftocks and ftones. — : — Jona* 
 tiian, Obadiah, the cook-maid, all melted. — The 
 foolilh fat fcuUion herfelf, who was f xjuring a flfh- 
 kettle upon her knees, M as rous'd with it. — The 
 w^hole kitchen crowded about the Corporal, 
 
 Now, as I perceive plainly, that the prefervation 
 of our conftitution in church and ftate, — and 
 poflibly, the prefervation of the whole world, — or, 
 what is the fame thing, the diftribution and balance 
 
 E 3 . of 
 
433 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 of its property and power, may in time to come 
 depend greatly upon the right underftanding of this 
 ftroke of the Corporal's eloquence, — I do demand 
 your attention: — your Worftiips and Reverences, 
 for any ten pages together, take them where you 
 will in any other part of the vv ork, fliall fleep for it 
 at your eale. 
 
 I faid, " We are not ftocks and ftones — 'tis 
 very well. I fhould have added, nor are we angels, 
 •^I wifh we were ; — but men clothed with bodies, 
 and governed by our imaginations ; — and what a 
 junketing piece of work of it there is betwixt thefe 
 and our feven fenfcs, efpecially fome of them ; for 
 my own part, I own it, I am afliamed to confefs. 
 Let it lliffice to affirm, that of all the fenfes, the eye 
 (for I abfolutely deny the touch, tho' moft of your 
 Barhati^ I know, are for it) has the quickeft com- 
 merce with the foul, — gives a fmarter ftroke, and 
 leaves fomething more inexpreffible upon the fancy 
 than words can either conve}^, — or fometimes get 
 rid of. 
 
 — IVe gone a little about ; — no matter, 'tis for 
 health, — let us only carry it back in our mind, to 
 the mortality of 1 rim s hat. — Are we not here 
 " now,— and gone in a moment?" — There was 
 noihing in the fentence; — 'twas one of your lelf- 
 evident tnrths we have the advantage of hearing 
 every day; and if Trim had not truited more to 
 his hat t'lan his head, — he had made nothing at 
 ail oi it. 
 
 — — Are we not here now?" continued the 
 Corporal; and are we not — — " (dropping his hat 
 
 plumb 
 
Vol.1, p. 433 , 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY* 433 
 
 plumb upon the ground, — and paufing, before he 
 pronounced the word) — " gone ! in a moment?" 
 The deicent of the hat was as if a heavy lump of 
 ciay had been kneaded into the crown of it. — No- 
 thing cou[d have expreiied the fentiment of mor- 
 tahty, of which it was the type and forerunner, like 
 it ;-— his hand feemed to vanifli from under it ; — ^it 
 fell dead ; — the Corporal's eye fixed upon it as 
 upon a corpfe; — and Sufannah burft into a flood of 
 tear^. 
 
 Now, — ten thoufand, and ten thoufand times ten 
 thoufand (for matter and motion are infinite) are 
 the ways by w hich a hat may be dropped upon the 
 ground without any effeSl. — il^d he flung it, or 
 thrown it, or caft it, or flcimmed it, or fquirted it, 
 or let it flip or fall in any poffible direction under 
 Heaven, — or in the beft direftion that could b^ 
 given to it ;■ — had he dropped it like a goofe, — ^like 
 a puppy, — ^like an afs ; — or in doing it, or even 
 after he had done it, had he looked like a fool,— 
 like a ninny, — like a nincompoop, — it had fail'd, 
 and the effe6t upon the heart had been loft. 
 
 Ye who govern thijs mighty world and its mighty 
 concerns with the engines of eloquence;— who heat 
 it, and cool it, and melt it, and mollify it, — and then 
 harden it again to your purpoie — - 
 
 Ye wlio wind and tarn the naffions with this 
 great windlafs ; and, having done it, lead the 
 owners of them whither ye think meet : — 
 
 Ye, laftly, who drive ; and why not ? Ye 
 
 alfo who are driven/ like turkeys, to market, with a 
 
 E E 4 ' fticJil 
 
434 THE LIFE AKD OPINIONS 
 
 ftick and a red clout, — meditate,— meditate, I be- 
 eech you upon Trim s hat. 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 STAY, — I have a fmall account to fettle with 
 the reader before Trim can go on with his harangue. 
 ' — It fhall be done in two minutes. 
 
 Amongft many other book-debts, all of which I 
 fhall difcharge in due time, — I own myfelf a debtor 
 to the world for two items, — a chapter upon 
 chamber-maids and button-holes ; which, in the 
 former part of my w^ork, I promifed and fully in- 
 tended to pay off this year : but fome of your 
 Worfhips and Reverences telling me that the two 
 fubjefts, elpecially fo connefted together, might en- 
 danger the mora ls of the world, — I pray the chapter 
 upon chamber-maids and button-holes may be 
 forgiven me, — ^nd that they will accept of the laft 
 chapter in lieu of it; which is nothing, an't pleale 
 your Reverences, but a chapter of chamber-maids, 
 gr-^en gowns, and old hats. 
 
 Trim took his hat off the ground, — put it upon 
 his head, — and then went on with his oration upon 
 death, in manner and form following : — * 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 - — -TO us, Jonathan, who know not what 
 want or eare is jt^whp live here in the fervice of 
 
 two 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHABBY. 435 
 
 two of the beft ofmafters — (bating in my own cafe, 
 his Majefty King William the Third, whom I had 
 the honour to lerve both in Ireland and Flanders) 
 — I own it ; that from Whitfuntide to within three 
 weeks of Chriftmas, — 'tis not long, — 'tis like nothing; 
 — but to thofe, Jonathan, who know w hat death is^ 
 and what havoc and deftru6lion he can make, before 
 a man can well wheel about, — 'tis like a whole ap-e, — 
 O Jonathan ! — 'twould make a good-natured man's 
 heart bleed, to confider, continued the Corporal 
 (ftandmg perpendicularly) how low many a brave 
 and upright fellow has been laid fmce that time ! — 
 And truft nie, Sufy, added the Corporal, turning to 
 Sufannah, whofe eyes were fwimming in water, — 
 before that time comes round again, — many a 
 
 bright eye will be dim. Sufannah placed it to 
 
 the right fide of the page; — flie wept, — but ftie 
 court'fied too. — x^re we not, continued Trim, look- 
 ing ftill at Sufannah, — are we not like a flower of the 
 
 field ? A tear of pride ftole in betwixt every 
 
 two tears of humiliation, — elfe no tongue could 
 
 have defcribed Sufannah's affliction. Is not all 
 
 flefli grais? — 'Tis clay,~^tis dirt. They all 
 
 looked direftly at the fcuUion; — the fcullion had 
 juft been fcouring a filh-kettle. — It was not fair.— 
 
 — What is the fineft face that ever man looked 
 
 at ! 1 could hear Trim talk fo for ever, cried 
 
 Sufannah, — w^hat is it ! — (Sulannah laid her hand 
 upon Trim s ihoulder) — but corruption ! Su- 
 fannah took it off. 
 
 Now I love you for this ; — and 'tis this delicious 
 mixture within you which makes you dear creatures 
 
 what 
 
436 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 what you are ; — and he who hates you for it 
 
 all I can fay of the matter is, — That he has either 
 a pumpkin for his head, — or a pippin for his heart ; 
 - — and whenever he is diffected 'twill be found fo. 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 WHETHER Suiannah, by taking her hand too 
 fuddenly from oft* the Corporals flioulder (by the 
 whiiking about of her paffions) — broke a little the 
 chain of his refieCiions, — 
 
 Or whether the Corporal began to be fufpicious 
 he had got into the Doftor s quarters, and was 
 talking more like the Chaplain than himfelf, — 
 
 Or whether, - - - - - - - - - - 
 
 Or whether:, — for in all fuch cafes a man of 
 invention and parts may, Vvith pleafure, fill a 
 couple of pages with fuppofitions, — which of all 
 thefe was the caufe, let the curious phyliologifr, 
 or the curious anybody determine, — 'tis certain, 
 at ieaft, the Corporal went on thus with his ha- 
 rangue : — 
 
 For my own part, I declare it, that out of doors, 
 I value not death at all : — not this . . added the 
 Corporal, liiapping his fingers; — but with an air 
 which no one but the Corporal could have given 
 to the fentiment. — In battle, 1 value death not this 
 . . . and let him not take me cowardly, like poor 
 Joe Gibbons, in fcouring his gun. — What is he? 
 A pull of a trigger ; — a pufli of a bayonet an inch 
 this way or that, — makes the di iTerence. — Look along 
 1 1 the 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDYo 437 
 
 the line — to the right, — fee ! Jack s down ! Well, 
 — 'tis worth a remment of horfe to him* — No: — • 
 tis Dick. — Then Jack s no worfe.— Never mind 
 which ; — we pafs on,— in hot purfuit : the wound 
 itfelf ^Yhich brings him is not , felt, — the beft way 
 is to ftand up to him ; — the man who flies is in ten 
 times more danger than the man who marches up 
 into his jaws. — I've looked him, added the Corporal, 
 an hundred times in the face, — and know what he 
 
 is. — He's nothing, Obadiah, at all in the field. 
 
 But he's very frightful in a houfe, quoth Obadiah. — 
 • — I never minded it myfelf, faid Jonathan, upon a 
 
 coach-box. It muft, in my opinion, be moft 
 
 natural in bed, replied Sufannah. And could I 
 
 efcape him by creeping into the worft calf's fl^in 
 that ever was made into a knapfack, I would do it 
 there, — faid Trim; — but that is nature. 
 
 Nature is nature, faid Jonathan.-— And 
 
 that is the reafon, cried Sufannah, I fo much pity 
 my Miftrefs. — She will never get the better of it. 
 
 Now I pity the Captain the moft of any one in 
 
 the family, anfwered Trim. — Madam will get eafe 
 of heart in weeping, —and the Squire in talking 
 about it, — but my poor Mafter will keep it all in 
 fiience to himfelf — I iliail hear him flgh in his bed 
 for a whole month together, as he did for Lieutenant 
 Le Fevre. An' pleafe your Honour, do not figh 
 fo piteoufly, I would fay to him as I lay befide 
 him. — 1 cannot help it, Trim, my Mafter would 
 fiy; — ^'tis fo melancholy an accident, — I cannot 
 
 get it off my heart. -Your Honour fears net 
 
 death yourfelf — I hope, Trim, I fear nothing, 
 
 he 
 
43B THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 he would fay, but the doing a wrong thing.— 
 Well, he would add, whatever betides, I will 
 take care of Le Fevre's boy— And with that, 
 like a quieting draught, his Honour would fall 
 afleep. 
 
 I like to hear Trim's ftories about the Captain^ 
 faid Sufannah. He is a kindly-hearted gentle- 
 man, faid Obadiah, as ever lived. Aye, and as 
 
 brave a one too, faid the Corporal, as ever ftept 
 before a platoon. — There never was a better officer 
 in the King s army, — or a better man in God's 
 world ; for he would march up to the m.outh of a 
 tannon, though he faw the lighted match at the 
 very touch-hole ; — and yet, for all that, he has a 
 heart as foft as a child for other people : — he w^ould 
 
 not hurt a chicken. 1 would fooner, quoth 
 
 Jonathan, drive fuch a gentleman for feven pounds 
 a year, than fome for eight. Thank thee, Jona- 
 than ! for thy twenty fliiillings, — as much, Jonathan, 
 faid the Corporal, fhaking him by the hand, as if 
 thou hadft put the money into my own pocket. — 
 I would ferve him to the day of my death out of 
 love. He is a friend and a brother to me ; and 
 could I be fure my poor brother Tom was dead, — 
 continued the Corporal, taking out his handkerchief, 
 — was I w orth ten thoufand pounds, I would leave 
 every fliilling of it to the Captain. — Trim could 
 not refrain from tears at this teltamentary proof 
 he gave of his affeftion to his Mafter. — The whole 
 kitchen was affected. — Do tell us the ftory of the 
 
 poor Lieutenant, faid Sufannah. With all my 
 
 iieart, anf^vered tlie Corporal. 
 
 Sufannalij 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 43^ 
 
 Sufannah, the cook, Jonathan, Obadiah, and 
 Corporal Trim, fornned a circle about the fire ; 
 and as foon as the fcullion had Ihut the kitchen 
 door, — the Corporal began, — 
 
 CHAP. XI. 
 
 I AM a Turk if I had not as much forgot my 
 mother, as if Nature had plaftered me up, and 
 let me down naked upon the banks of the river 
 Nile, without one. — Your moft obedient fervant, 
 Madam, — I've coft you a great deal of trouble, 
 —I w iili it may anfwer ; — but you have left a 
 crack in my back; — and heres a great piece 
 fallen off* here before : — and what muft I do with 
 this foot? — I lhall never reach England with it. 
 
 For my own part, I never wonder at any thing ; 
 — and fo often has my judgment deceived me in 
 my life, that I always fufpeCl it, right or wrong ; — • 
 at leaft, I am feldom hot upon cold fubjects. 
 For all this, I reverence truth as much as any 
 body ; and when it has flipped us, if a man will 
 but take me by the hand, and go quietly and fearch 
 for it, as for a thing we have both loft, and can 
 neither of us do well without, — FU go to the world s 
 end with him. — But I hate difputes, — and therefore 
 (bating religious points, or fuch as touch fociety) 
 I w^ould almoft fubfcribe to any thing which does 
 not choke me in the firft palfage, rather than be 
 drawn into one. — But I cannot bear fuffocation ;~ 
 
 and 
 
440 THE LIFE ANT> OPIlSriO^^S 
 
 and bad fmells worft of all. — For which reafons, I 
 refblved from the bci^inning. That if ever the army 
 of Martyrs was to l)e augmented, — or a new one 
 raifed, — 1 would have no hand in it, one way or 
 t'other. 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 — BUT to return to my mother. 
 
 My uncle Toby s opinion. Madam, That there 
 
 could be no harm in Cornehos G alius, the 
 ^' Roman praetor's lying with his wife ;"~or rather 
 the laft word of that opinion, — for it was all my 
 mother heard of it) caught hold of her by the weak 
 part of the whole fex : — you lhall not miftake me, 
 — I mean her cmiofity ; — flie inftantly concluded 
 herfelf the fubjefil of the converfation, and with 
 that prepofeffion upon her fancy, you will readily 
 conceive, every word my father faid was accommo- 
 dated either to herielf or her family-concerns. 
 
 — Pray, Madam, in what ftreet does the lady 
 live who would not have done the fame ? 
 
 From the ftrange mode of Cornelius's death, my 
 father had made a traniition to that of Socrates, 
 and was giving my uncle Toby an abftraO: of his 
 pleading before his judges ; — 'twas irrefrftible : — 
 not the oration of Socrates, — but my fathers 
 temptation to it. — He had wrote the ^ Life of 
 
 This book my father would never confent to publirti ; 
 'tis in manufcript, with fome other trads of his, in the fa- 
 mily ; all, or mod of which, will be printed in due time. 
 
 Socrates 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 441 
 
 Socrates himfelf the year before he left off trade ; 
 which, I fear, was the means of haftening him out 
 of it ; — fo that no one w^as able to fet out with fo 
 full a fail, and in fo fwelling a tide of heroic loftineis 
 upon the occafion, as my father was. N ot a period 
 in Socrates's oration which clofed with a lliorter 
 word than tranfmigration, or annihilation,^ — or a 
 worfe thought in the middle of it than to he, — or not 
 to he^ — the entering upon a new and untried ftate 
 of things, — or upon a long, a profound and peace- 
 ful fleep, without dreams, without difturbance ! — - 
 That we and our children were hern to die^ — but 
 neither of us horn to be Jlaves, — No, there I miftake ; 
 that was part of Eleazer's oration, as recorded by 
 Jofephus (de Eell. Judaic.) — Eleazer ovviis he had 
 it from the philofophers of India. In all likelihood 
 Alexander the Great, in his irruption into India, 
 after he had overrun Perfia, amongft the many 
 things he ftole, — ftole tbat fentiment alfo ; by which 
 means it was carried, if not ail the way by himfelf 
 (for we all know he died at Babylon) at leaft by 
 fome of his marauders, into Greece, — from Greece 
 it got to Rome, — from Rome to France,— and from 
 France to Endand. — So thing's come round : — 
 
 o o 
 
 By land-carriage; I can conceive no other 
 way.— 
 
 By water, the fentiment might eafily have come 
 down the Ganges into the Sinus Gangeticus, 
 or Bay of Bengal, and fo into the Indian fea; 
 and following the courfe of trade (the way from 
 India by the Cape of Good Hope, being then 
 imknown) might be carried with other drugs 
 
 and 
 
442 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 and fpices, up the Red Sea to Joddah, the port 
 of Mecca, or elfe to Tor or Suez, towns at the 
 bottom of the Gulf; and from thence by caravans 
 to Coptos, but three days journey diftant, fo 
 down the Nile direftly to Alexandria, where 
 the Jentiment would be landed at the very foot of 
 the great ftaircafe of the Alexandrian library; — 
 and from that ftorehoufe it would be fetched. — 
 Blefs me! what a trade vi^as driven by the learned 
 in thofe days ! 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 — NOW my father had a way a little like 
 that of Job's (in cafe there ever was fuch a man) 
 ' — if not, there's an end of the matter. — 
 
 Though, by the bye, becaufe your learned men 
 find fome difficulty in fixing the precif(3 a^ra in 
 which fo great a man lived ; — whether, for initance, 
 before or after the patriarchs, &c. — to vote, there- 
 fore, that he never lived at all, is a little cruel ; — • 
 'tis not doing as they would be done by. — Happen 
 that as it may, — My father, I fay, had a way, 
 when things went extremely wrong with him, 
 efpecially upon the firft fally of his impatience, — 
 of w^ondering why he was begot; — wilhing himfelf 
 dead ; — Ibmetimes worfe : — and when the provo- 
 cation ran high, and grief touched his lips with 
 more than ordinary powders, — Sir, you fcarce could 
 have diftinguiftied him from Socrates himfelf. — 
 Every word would breathe the fentiments of a foul 
 
 difdaining 
 
OV TRISTRAM SHAISTDY. 443 
 
 difdaining life, and carelefs about all its ilTues; 
 for which reafon, though my mother was a wo- 
 man of no deep reading, yet the abftraO; of So- 
 crates's oration, which my father was giving my 
 uncle Toby, was not altogether new to her. — - 
 She hftened to it with compofed intelligence, and 
 would have done fo to the end of the chapter, 
 had not my father plunged (which he had no 
 occafion to have done) into that part of the plead- 
 ing where the great philofopher reckons up his 
 connexions, his alliances, and children; but re- 
 nounces a fecurity to be fo won, by working upon 
 the paffions of his judges. — " I have friends, — 
 
 I have relations, — I have three defolate chil- 
 
 dren," — fays Socrates. — 
 
 ^Then, cried my mother, opening the 
 
 door, — you have one more, Mr. Shand}^ than I 
 know of 
 
 — - — By Heaven! I have one lefs, — faid my 
 father, getting up and walking out of the room. 
 
 CH A XIV. 
 
 THEY are Socrates s children, faid my 
 
 uncle Toby. He has been dead a hundred 
 
 years ago, replied my mother. 
 
 My uncle Toby was no chronologer ;— fo not 
 caring to advance one ftep but upon fafe ground, 
 he laid down his pipe deliberately upon the table, 
 and rifing up, and taking my mother moft kindly 
 
 VOL. 1. F F by 
 
444 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 by the hand, without faying another word, 
 either good or bad, to her, he led her out after my 
 father, that he might finifli the eclaircilTement 
 himfelf. 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 HAD this volume been a farce, which, unlefs 
 every one's Life and Opinions are to be looked 
 upon as a farce as well as mine, I fee no reafon 
 to fuppofe — the laft chapter, Sir, had finifhed the 
 firft a6l of it ; and then this chapter muft have 
 fet off thus — 
 
 Ptr. . r. .r. . ing, — twing, — twang, — prut, — trut ; 'tis 
 a curled bad fiddle. — Do you know whether my 
 fiddle's in tune or no? — trut. prut.. — They fhould 
 be fifths. — 'Tis wickedly ftrung, — tr...a.e.i.o.u. 
 twang. — The bridge is a mile too high, and the 
 found-poft abfolutely down, — elfe, — trut... prut. — 
 Hark ! 'tis not fo bad a tone. — Diddle diddle, 
 diddle diddle, diddle diddle, dum. There is 
 nothing in playing before good judges ; — but there's 
 a man there, — no, — not him with the bundle under 
 his arm, — the grave man in black. — 'Sdeath ! not 
 the gentleman with the fword on. — Sir, I had 
 rather play a Capriccio to Calliope herfelf, than 
 draw my bow acrofs my fiddle before that very 
 man ; and yet I'll ftake my Cremona to a Jew s 
 trump, which is the greateft mufical odds that 
 ever were laid, that I will this moment ftop three 
 hundred and fifty leagues out of tune upon my 
 
 tlCiulc, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAIS^DY. 445 
 
 fiddle, without puniihing one fingle nerve that 
 belongs to him. — Twaddle diddle, — tweddle did- 
 dle — twiddle diddle, — twoddle diddle, — twuddle 
 diddle ; — prut-trut,^ — ^krifli, — krafti, — kruih. — IVe 
 undone you, Sir, — but you fee he's no worfe ; — 
 and was Apollo to take his fiddle after me, he 
 can make him no better. 
 
 Diddle diddle, diddle diddle, diddle diddle, — 
 hum, — dum, — drum. 
 
 — "Your Worfhips and your Reverences love 
 mufic, — and God has made you all with good 
 ears, — and fome of you play delightfully your- 
 felves ; — trut-prut, — prut-trut. 
 
 O ! there is — whom I could fit and hear whole 
 days, — whofe talents lie in making what he fid- 
 dles to be felt who infpires me with his joys 
 and hopes, and puts the molt hidden fprings of 
 my heart into motion. — If you would borrow 
 five guineas of me, Sir, — which is generally ten 
 guineas more than I have to fpare, — or you, 
 MelTrs. Apothecary and Taylor, want your bills 
 paying, ^ — that's your time. 
 
 CHAP. XVI- 
 
 THE firft thing which entered my fathers 
 head, after affairs were a little fettled in the fa- 
 mily, and Sufannah had got pofTeffion of my mo- 
 ther's green fatin night-gown,— was to fit down 
 coolly^ after the example of Xenophon, and write 
 
 F F 2 a Trifira- 
 
446 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 a Triftra-p^dia, or fyftem of education for me ; 
 collefting firft for that purpofe his own fcattered 
 thoughts, counfels, and notions ; and binding them 
 tocrether, fo as to form an institute for the 
 government of my childhood and adolefcence. — I 
 was my father's laft ftake,— he had loft my brother 
 Bobby entirely, — he had loft, by his own compu- 
 tation, full three-fourths of me, — -that is, he had 
 been unfortunate in his three firft great cafts for 
 me : — my geniture, nofe, and name : — there w^as 
 but this one left ; and accordingly my father gave 
 himfelf up to it with as much devotion as ever my 
 uncle Toby had done to his doSlrine of projeftiles. 
 « — The difference between them was, that my uncle 
 Toby drew his whole knowledge of projectiles 
 from Nicholas Tartaglia.^ — My father fpun his, 
 every thread of it, out of his own brain, — or had 
 fo reeled and crofs-twifted w hat all other fpinners 
 and fpinfters had fpun before him, that 'twas 
 pretty near the fame torture to him. 
 
 In about three years, or fomething more, my 
 father had got advanced almoft into the middle 
 of his work. — ^Like all other writers, he met with 
 difappointments. — He imagined he lliouid be able 
 to bring whatever he had to fay, into fo fmall a 
 compafs, that wiien it was finiflied and bound, it 
 might be rolled up in my mother's houfewife. — 
 Matter grows under our hands. — Let no man lay, 
 — " Come, — I'll write a duodecimo^ 
 
 My father gave himfelf up to it, however, with 
 the moft painful diligence, proceeding ftep by Itep 
 in every line with the fame kind of caution and 
 
 cirruai- 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 447 
 
 circumfpeftion (though I cannot fay upon quite fo 
 religious a principle) as was ufecl by John de la 
 Cafle, the Lord Archbilhop of Benevento, in com- 
 paffing his Galatea; in which his Grace of Bene- 
 vento fpent near forty years of his life ; and when 
 the thing came out, it was not of above half the 
 fize or the thicknefs of a Rider's Almanack.— How 
 the holy man managed the aflfliir, unlefs he fpent 
 tlie greateft part of his time in combing his whilk- 
 ers, or playing at primer o with his chaplain, — 
 would pofe any mortal not let into the true lecret ; 
 — and therefore 'tis worth explaining to the world, 
 was it only for the encouragement of thofe few 
 in it, who write not fo much to be fed, — as to 
 be famous. 
 
 I own, had John de la Caffe, the Archbifliop 
 of Benevento, for whofe memory (notwithftand- 
 ing his Galatea) I retain the higheft veneration, 
 — had he been, Sir, a (lender clerk, — of dull 
 wit, — -flow parts, — coftive head, and fo forth, — 
 he and his Galatea might have jogged on together 
 to the age of Methufelah for me ; — the pheenome- 
 non had not been worth a parenthefis. — 
 
 But the reverfe of this was the truth : John 
 de la Cafle was a genius of fine, parts and fertile 
 fancy; and yet with all thefe great advantages 
 of nature, which fliould have pricked him forwards 
 with his Galatea, he lay under an impuiflance at 
 the fame time of advancing above a line and a half 
 in the compafs of a whole fummer's day. This 
 difability in his Grace arofe from an opinion he 
 
 F F 3 was 
 
448 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 was afflifiled with ; — which opinion was this, — viz. 
 That whenever a Chriftian was writing a book (not 
 for his private amufement, but) where his intent 
 and purpofe was bond fide^ to print and publiih it 
 to the world, — his firft thoughts were always the 
 temptations of the evil one.- — This was the fiate 
 of ordinary writers : but when a perfonage of ve- 
 nerable character and high ftation, either in church 
 or ftatC; once turned author, — he maintained, 
 that from the very moment he took pen in hand, 
 — all the Devils in hell broke out of their holes 
 to cajole him. — 'Twas Term-time with them; — 
 every thought, firft and laft, was captious ; — 
 how fpecious and good foever, — 'twas all one ; — 
 in whatever form or colour it prefented itfelf to 
 the imagination, — 'twas ftill a ftroke of one or 
 other of 'em levelFd at him, and was to be fenced 
 off. — So that the Hfe of a writer, whatever he 
 might fancy to the contrary, ^vas not fo much a 
 ftate of compofttion^ as a ftate of warfare ; and his 
 probation in it, precifely that of any other man 
 miUtant upon earth, — both depending alike, not 
 half fo much upon the degrees of his wit, — as his 
 ref.fiance. 
 
 My father was hugely pleafed with this theory 
 of John de la Caffe, archbifliop of Benevento ; 
 and (had it not cramped him a little in his creed) 
 I believe would have given ten of the bcft acres 
 in the Shandy eftate to have been the broach er 
 of it. — How far my father afilually believed in the 
 Devil, will be feen, when I come to fpeak of my 
 
 fathers 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 449 
 
 father's religious notions, in the progrefs of this 
 work: 'tis enough to fay here, as he could not 
 have the honour of it, in the literal fenfe of the 
 doftrine, — he took up with the allegory of it; 
 and would often fay, efpecially when his pen was 
 a litrie retrograde, there was as much good mean- 
 ing, truth, and knowledge, couched under the veil 
 of John de la Caffe's parabolical reprelentation, — 
 as was to be found in any one poetic fi&ion or 
 niyftic record of antiquity. — Prejudice of education, 
 he would fay, is the Devil, — and the multitudes 
 of them which we fuck in with our mother s milk, 
 • — are the Devil and alL — We are haunted with 
 them, brother Toby, in all our lucubrations and 
 refearches ; and was a man fool enough to fubmit 
 tamely to what they obtruded upon him, — what 
 would his book be ? Nothing, — he would add, 
 throwing his pen away with a vengeance ; — nothing 
 but a farrag;o of the clack of nurfes, and of the 
 nonfenfe of the old women (of both foxes) 
 throughout the kingdom. 
 
 This is the beft account I am determined to 
 give of the flow progrefs my father made in his 
 Trijlra-p^edia ; at which (as I laid) he was three 
 years, and fomething more, indefatigably at work, 
 and, at laft, had fcarce completed, by his own 
 reckoning, one half of his undertaking : the mis- 
 fortune was, that I v/as all that time totally neg- 
 lected and abandoned to my mother; and, what 
 was almoft as bad, by the very delay, the fiift part 
 of the work, upon which my father had fpent the 
 moft of his piains, was rendered entirely ulelefs ; 
 
 F F 4 — every 
 
45^^ THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 — every day a page or two became of no con- 
 fequence. 
 
 * Certainly it was ordained as a fcourge 
 
 upon the pride of human wifdom, That the wifeft 
 of us all Ihould thus outwit ourfelves, and eter- 
 nally forego our purpofes in the intemperate a6l 
 of purliiing them. 
 
 In fhort, my father was fo long in all his a&s 
 of refiftance,-^or, in other words, — he advanced 
 fo very flow w ith his work, and I began to live 
 and get forwards at fuch a rate, that if an event 
 had not happened, — which, when we get to it, 
 if it can be told with decency, fliall not be con- 
 cealed a moment from my reader, — I verily be- 
 lieve, I had put by my father, and left him draw- 
 ing a fun-dial, for no better purpofe than to be 
 buried under ground. 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 TWAS nothing: — I did not lofe two 
 
 drops of blood by it : — 'twas not w orth calling in 
 a furgeon, had he hved next door to us. — Thou- 
 fands fufFer by choice, what I did by accident. — 
 Doftor Slop made ten times more of it than there 
 was occafion. — Some men rife by the art of hang- 
 ing great weights upon fmall wires:— and I am 
 this day (Auguft the loth, 1761) paying part of 
 the price of this man's reputation. — O 'twould 
 provoke a ftone, to fee how^ things are carried on 
 6 in 
 
OF XRISTliAM SHANDY. 451 
 
 ia this world! — The chamber-maid had left 
 ########## under the bed. Cannot you con- 
 trive, mafter, quoth Sulannah, lifting up the falh 
 with one hand, as llie fpoke, and helping me up 
 into the window-feat with the other, — cannot you 
 manage, my dear, for a fmgle time, to 
 
 ^•!/Er JA-S/--!^ jz, 4<- -If- -V- -It -V- 
 
 tvtFtv ^ •tt ■vr "Tl^ -TV" J 
 
 I was five years old. — Sufannah did not con- 
 fider that nothing was well hung in our family; 
 — fo, flap came the fafli down like lightning 
 
 upon us. Nothing is left, — cried Sufannah, 
 
 — nothing is left — for me, but to run my coun- 
 try. 
 
 My uncle Toby s houfe was a much kinder 
 fanftuary ; and fo Sufannah fled to it 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 WHEN Sufannah told the Corporal the mif- 
 adventure of the fafli, with all the circumftances 
 which attended the murder of me, — (as fliie 
 called it)— the blood forfook his cheeks: — all 
 acceflaries in murder being principals, — Trims 
 confcience told him he was as much to blame as 
 Sufannah; — and if the doClrine had been true, 
 my uncle Toby had as much of the bloodftied to 
 anfwer for to Heaven as either of em; -lb that 
 neither reafon nor inftinO:, feparate or together, 
 could poffibly have guided Sufannah s fteps to fo 
 proper an afylum. — It is in vain to leave this to 
 
 the 
 
I 
 
 452 THE LIFE AND OPI^-IONS 
 
 the readers imagination: — to form any kind of 
 hypothefis that will render thefe propofitions feafible^ 
 he muft cudgel his brains fore ; — and to do it with- 
 out, — he muft have fuch brains as no reader ever 
 had before him. — Why fhould I put them either 
 to trial or to torture? — 'Tis my own affair : I'll 
 explain it myfelf. 
 
 CHAP. XIX. 
 
 'TIS a pity, Trim, faid my uncle Toby, refting 
 with his hand upon the Corporals ihoulder, as they 
 both ftood furveying their works, — that we have 
 not a couple of field-pieces to mount in the gorge 
 of that new redoubt ; — 'tw ould iecure the lines all 
 along there, and make the attack on that fide quite 
 complete. — Get me a couple caft, Trim. 
 
 Your Honour fliall have them, replied Trim, be- 
 fore to-morrow morning. 
 
 It was the joy of Trim's heart ; nor w as his 
 fertile head ever at a lofs for expedients in doing 
 it, to fupply my uncle Toby in his campaigns, with 
 whatever his fancy called for : had it been his laft 
 crown, he would have fat down and hammered it 
 into a paderero, to have prevented a fingle wifli in 
 his mafter. — The Corporal had already, — what with 
 cutting off the ends of my uncle Toby s fpouts, — 
 hacking and chifelling up the fides of his leaden 
 gutters, — melting down his pewter fhaving-bafon ; 
 — and going at laft, like Lewis the Fourteenth, on 
 to the top of the church for fpare ends, &c. — he 
 
 had 
 
OF TRJSTRAM SHANDY. 453 
 
 had that very campaign brought no lefs than eight 
 new battering cannons, befides three demi-culverins, 
 into the field. My uncle Toby s demand for two 
 more pieces for the redoubt, had fet the Corporal 
 at work again ; and no better refource offering, he 
 had taken the two leaden weights from the nurfery- 
 window ; and as the fafh pullies, when the lead 
 was gone, were of no kind of ufe, he had taken 
 them away aifo, to make a couple of wheels for one 
 of their carriages. 
 
 He had difmantled every fafh- window in my 
 uncle Toby's houfe long before, in the very fame 
 way, — though -not always in the fame order ; for 
 fometimes the pullies had been wanted, and not 
 the lead, — fo then he began with the pullies ; — and 
 the pullies being picked out, then the lead became 
 ufelefs ; — and fo the lead went to pot too. 
 
 'A great moral might be picked hand- 
 
 fomely out of this, but I have not time; — 'tis 
 enough to fay, Wherever the demolition began, 
 'twas equally fatal to the falh-window. 
 
 CHAP. XX. 
 
 THE Corporal had not taken his meafures fo 
 badly in this ftroke of artilleryfhip, but that he 
 might have kept the matter entirely to himfelf, and 
 left Sufannah to have fuftained the whole weight of 
 the attack as flie could : true courage is not con- 
 tent with coming off fo. — The Corporal, whether 
 as general or comptroller of the train, — 'twas no 
 
 matter, 
 
4.54 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 matter, — had done that, without which, as he 
 imagined, the misfortune could never have happened, 
 —at leaft In SuJannaJis hands, — How would your 
 Honours have behaved? — He determined at once, 
 not to take ilielter behind Sufannah, — but to give 
 it ; and, with this refoiution upon his mind, he 
 m.arched upright into the parlour, to lay the wdiole 
 manceuvre before my uncle Toby. 
 
 My uncle Toby had juft then been giving Yorick 
 an account of the battle of Steinkirk, and of the 
 firange conduct of Count Solmes, in ordering the 
 foot to halt, and the horfe to march where it could 
 not a£l ; which was direCtly contrary to the king's 
 command, and proved the lofs of the day. 
 
 There are accidents in fome families fo pat to 
 the purpofe of what is going to follow, — they are 
 fcarce exceeded by the invention of a dramatic 
 writer, — I mean of ancient days. — 
 
 Trim, by the help of his fore-finger laid flat upon 
 the table, and the edge of his hand ftriking acrols 
 it at right angles, made a fliift to tell his ftory fo, 
 that priefts and virgins might have liftened to it ; — - 
 and the ftory being told, the dialogue went on as 
 follows : — 
 
 CHAP. XXI. 
 
 1 WOULD be picquetted to death, cried 
 
 the Corporal, as he concluded Sufannah's ftory, 
 before I would fuffer the woman to come to any 
 harm :— 'twas my fault, an' pleafe your Honour, — 
 i^ot hers. 
 
 Corporal 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDT. 455 * 
 
 Corporal Trim, replied my uncle Toby, putting 
 on his hat, which lay upon the table, if any thing can 
 be faid to be a fault, when the fervice abfolutely 
 requires it fhould be done, 'tis I ceitainly who de- 
 ferve the blame ; you obeyed your orders. 
 
 Had Count Solmes, Trim, done the fame at the 
 battle of Steinkirk, faid Yorick, drolling a little 
 upon the Corporal, who had been run over by a 
 
 dragoon in the retreat, — he had faved thee 
 
 Saved ! cried Trim, interrupting Yorick, and finifli 
 ing the fentence for him after his own faftiion, — he 
 had faved five battalions, an pleafe your Reve- 
 rence, every foul of them. — There was Cutts's, con- 
 tinued the Corporal, clapping the fore-finger of his 
 right hand upon the thumb of his left, and counting 
 round his hand, — there was Cutts's, — Mackay s, — 
 Angus's, — Graham's, — and Levens, all cut to 
 pieces ; — and lb had the Englilh life-guards, too, 
 had it not been for fome regiments upon the rights 
 who marched up boldly to their relief, and received 
 the enemy s fire in their faces, before any one of 
 their own platoons difcharged a mufket. — Theyli 
 
 go to Heaven for it, added Trim. Trim is right, 
 
 foid my uncle Toby, nodding to Yorick ; — he's per- 
 
 feclly right.^ -What fignified his marching the 
 
 horfe, continued the Corporal, where the ground 
 w^as fo ftrair, that the French had fuch a nation of 
 hedges, and copfes, and ditches, and fell'd trees 
 laid this way and that, to cover them (as they 
 always have). — Count Solmes ftiouldhave fent us; 
 w e would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them for 
 tiieir lives. — ^There w^as nothing to be done for the 
 
 liorfe : 
 
456 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 horie : — he had his foot fliot off, however, for his 
 pains, continued the Corporal, the very next cam- 
 paign, at Landen. Poor Trim got his wound 
 
 there, quoth my uncle Toby. 'Twas owing, an' 
 
 pleafe your Honour entirely to Count Solmes ; had 
 he drubbed them foundly at Steinkirk, they would 
 not have fought us at Landen, ■ Poffibly not. 
 Trim, faid my uncle Toby ; though, if they have the 
 advantage of a wood, or you give them a moment's 
 time to intrench themfelves, they are a nation which 
 will pop and pop for ever at you. There is no way 
 but to march coolly up to them, receive their fire, 
 
 and fall in upon them, pell-mell ; -Ding-dong, 
 
 added Trim ; Horfe and foot, faid my uncle 
 
 Toby; Helter Ikelter, faid Trim; -Right 
 
 and left, cried my uncle Toby. Blood an' 
 
 ounds ! fhouted the Corporal : — the battle raged ; 
 Yorick drew his chair a little to one fide for lafety ; 
 and after a moment's paufe, my uncle Toby, fink- 
 ing his voice a note, refumed the difcourfe as 
 follows 
 
 CHAP. XXII. 
 
 KING William, faid my uncle Toby, addreffing 
 himfelf to Yorick, was fo terribly provoked at 
 Count Solmes for difobeying his orders, that he 
 would not fufter him to come into his prefence for 
 
 many months after. 1 fear, anfwered Yorick, 
 
 the Squire will be as much provoked at the Corporal, 
 as the Kiiig at the Count. — But 'twould be fingu- 
 
OF TRISTilAM SHANDY. 457 
 
 larly hard in this cafe, continued he, if Corporal 
 Trim, who has behaved fo diametrically oppofite to 
 Count Solmes, fhould have the fate to be rewarded 
 with the fame difgrace : — too often, in this world, 
 do things take that train. -I would Ipring a mine, 
 cried my uncle Toby, rifing up, and blow up my 
 fortifications, and my houfe with them, and we 
 would perilli under their ruins, ere T would ftand by 
 and fee it. Trim dire6ted a flight, but a grate- 
 ful bow towards his mafter,^ — and fo the chapter 
 ends. 
 
 CHAP. XXIII. 
 
 — THEN, Yorick, replied my uncle Toby, you 
 and I will lead the way abreaft : and do you, 
 
 Corporal, follow, a few paces behind us. And 
 
 Sufannah, an' pleafe your Honour, faid Trim, fhall 
 be put in the rear. 'Twas an excellent difpofition ; 
 and, in this order, without either drums beating, or 
 colours flying, they marched flowly from my uncle 
 Toby s houfe to Shandy-hall. 
 
 1 wifli, faid Trim, as they entered the 
 
 door, inftead of the fafli-weights, I had cut oft' 
 the church-fpout as I once thought to have done. 
 
 You have cut off fpouts enow, replied 
 
 Yorick. 
 
458 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXIV. 
 
 AS many pifilures as have been given of my fa- 
 ther, how like him foever in ditferent airS and atti- 
 tudes, not one or all of them, can ever help the reader 
 to any kind of preconception of how my father would 
 think, fpeak, or aO:, upon any untried occafion or 
 occurrence of life. There was that infinitude of 
 oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by 
 which handle he would take a thing, — it baffled, 
 Sir, all calculations. The truth was, his road lay 
 fo very far on one fide, from that wherein moft men 
 travelled, that every obje£t before him prefented a 
 face and feftion of itfelf to his eye, altogether dif- 
 ferent from the plan and elevation of it leen by the 
 reft of mankind. In other words, 'twas a differ- 
 ent objeQ:, and, in courfe, was differently confi- 
 dered. 
 
 This is the true reafon that my dear Jenny 
 and I, as well as all the world befides us, have 
 fuch eternal fquabbles about nothing. She looks 
 at her outfide ; — I, at her in — . How is it pof- 
 fible we Ihould asiree about her value ? 
 
 CHAP. XXV. 
 
 ITS a point fettled, and I mention it for the 
 comfort of* Confucius, who is apt to get entan- 
 
 * Mr. Shandy is fuppofed to mean ******* -f- # * 
 Erq. member for * * * • * and not the Chinefe Le> 
 giflature. 
 
 glecl 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHA>7DY. 459 
 
 gled in telling a plain ftory, that, provided he 
 keeps along the line of his ftory, he may go back- 
 wards and forwards as he will, 'tis ftill held to 
 be no digreffion. 
 
 This being premifed, I take the benefit of the 
 u5l of going backwards myfelf. 
 
 CHAP. XXVI. 
 
 riFTY thoufand pannier loads of Devils (not 
 of the Archbifhop of Benevento's,—! mean of 
 Ilabelais's Devils) with their tails chopped off 
 by their rumps, could not have made fo diabolical 
 a fcream of it as I did — when the accident befel 
 nie: it fummoned up my mother inftantly into 
 the nurfery ; — lb that Sufannah had but juft tim.e 
 to make her efcape down the back-ftairs, as my 
 mother came up the fore. 
 
 Now, though I was old enough to have told 
 the ftory myfelf, — and young enough, I hope, to 
 have done it without malignity, — yet Sufannah, 
 in paffing by the kitchen, for fear of accidents, 
 had left it in ftiort-hand with the cook; — the cook 
 had told it, with a commentary, to Jonathan; 
 and Jonathan to Obadiah; fo that, by the time 
 my father had rung the bell half a dozen times, to 
 know what w as the matter above, — was Obadiah 
 enabled to give him a particular account of it, juft 
 
 as it had happened. 1 thought as much, faid 
 
 xny father, tucking up his night-gown; — and fo 
 %\-alked up Itairs^ 
 
 VOL. I. G G One 
 
460 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 One would imagine from this — (though for my 
 own part I fomewhat queftion it) — that my father^ 
 before that time, had afiiually wrote that remarkable 
 charafter in the Trifira-'p^dia^ which to me is the 
 moft original and entertaining in the whole book^ 
 — and that is the chapter upon Jafa-windows^ with 
 a bitter Philippic at the end of it^ upon the for- 
 getfulnefs of chambermaids. I have but two 
 reafons for thinking othcrvvife. 
 
 Firft^ had the matter been taken into confidera- 
 tion before the event happened, my father certainly 
 w ould have nailed up the fafti-wlndow for good an' 
 all; which, confidering with what difficulty he 
 compcfed books, he might have done with ten times 
 lefs trouble than he could have wrote the chapter* 
 This argument, I forefee, holds good againft his 
 writing a chapter, even after the event ; but 'tis 
 obviated under the fecond reafon, which I have the 
 honour to offer to the world in fup}X)rt of my 
 opinion, that my father did not write the chapter 
 upon fafii-windows and chamber-pots at the time 
 fuppofed, — and it is this :— 
 
 — ^I'hat, in order to render the Triftra-padia 
 complete, I wrote the chapter myfelf. 
 
 CHAP. XXVII* 
 
 MY father put on his fpeClacles, — looked,— 
 took them off, — put them into the cale, — all in 
 lefs th^a a ftaiatable minute ; and; without open- 
 4 irig 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 461 
 
 ing his lips, turned about and walked precipitately 
 down ftairs. My mother imagined he had llepped 
 down for lint and bafilicon ; but feeing him return 
 with a couple of folios under his arm, and Obadiah 
 following him with a large reading-defk, (lie took 
 it for granted it was an Herbal, and fo drew him a 
 chair to the bed-lide, that he might confult upon 
 the cafe at his eafe. 
 
 — If it be but right done, faid my father, 
 turning to the feclion — de Jede vel fubje£lo circum- 
 cifionis, — for he had brought up Spenfer de Legibus 
 Hebr^orum Ritualibus^ — and Mamonides, in order 
 to confront and examine us altogether ; 
 
 If it be but right done, quoth he, Only 
 
 tell us, cried my mother interrupting him, what 
 
 herbs? For that, replied my father, you muft 
 
 fend for Dr. Slop. 
 
 My mother went down, and my father w^ent on, 
 reading the feftion as follows : — 
 
 ^ ^ ^ 'Very well, — faid my fat'ier, 
 
 # # # # # # # # # 
 
 # # # # # # * # # 
 
 # # # # — ^^y^ j£ - J j^^g ^j^^^ convenience, 
 — and fo without ftopping a moment to fettle it 
 firft in his mind, whether the Jews had it from 
 the Egyptians, or the Egyptians from the Jews, 
 • — he rofe up, and rubbing his forehead two or 
 three times acrofs with the palm of his hand, in 
 the manner we rub out the footfteps of care, when 
 
 o G 2 evil 
 
4^2 tKiE LIFE AND OPINIO^^S 
 
 evil has trod lighter upon us than we foreboded,—* 
 he fliut the book, and walked down ftairs. — 
 Nay, laid he, mentioning the name of a different 
 great nation upon every ftep as he fet his foot upon 
 it, — if the Egyptians,— the Syrians, — the Phoe- 
 nicians, — the Arabians, — the Cappadocians, — if 
 the Colrbi and Trci^lodytes did it, — if Solon and 
 Pythagoras fubmitted, — what is Triftram? — Who 
 am I, that I fliould fi et or fume one moment about 
 the matter ! 
 
 CH A p. XXVIII. 
 
 DEAR Yorick, laid my father, fmiling (for 
 Y orick had broke his rank with my uncle Toby 
 in coming through the narrow entry, and fo had 
 ftept firft into the parlour) this Triftram of ours^ 
 I find, comes very hardly by all his religious rites. 
 Never was the Ibn of Jew, Chriftian, Turk, or 
 Infidel, initiated into them in fo oblique and flovenly 
 a manner. — — But he is no worfe, I truft, faid 
 Yorick. — — There has been certainly, continued 
 my father, the deuce and all to do in fome part or 
 other of the ecliptic, when this offspring of mine 
 
 w as formed. 27/^/ you are a better judge of than 
 
 I, replied Yorick.— — Aftrologers, quoth my father, 
 know belter than us both: the trine and fextil 
 afpe6ls have jumped awry, or the oppofite of their 
 afcendents have not hit it, as they lliould, or the 
 lords of the geniturcs (as they call them) have beea 
 
 at 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 463 
 
 at lo'peep, — or fomething has been wrong aboye^ or 
 below, with us. 
 
 'Tis poflible, anfsvered Yorick. But is the 
 
 child, cried my uncle Toby, the worfe?- ^The 
 
 Troglodytes fay not, replied my father. And 
 
 your theologifts, Yorick, tell us- :Theologically, 
 
 laid Yorick; — or fpeaking after the manner of 
 ^ apothecaries ? — f ftatefmen ? — or % waflier- 
 women ? 
 
 -Fm not fure, replied my father ; but they 
 
 tell us, brother Toby, he's the better for it. 
 
 Provided, faid Yorick, you travel him into Egypt. 
 
 • Of that, anfvvered my fother, he will Imve the 
 
 advantage, when he fees the Pyramids. 
 
 Kow, every w ord of this, quoth my uncle 
 
 Toby, is Arabic to me. — —I wifli, laid Yorick, 
 'twas fo to half the world. 
 
 *Ilas, continued my failiar^ circumcifed 
 
 his whole army one morning. N:Ot without a 
 
 court-martial? cried my uncle Toby. Though 
 
 the learned, continued he, taking no notice of my 
 uncle Toby's remark^ but turning to Yorick, — are 
 greatly divided ftill, who Ikis was ; — Ibme fay 
 Saturn ; — fome the Supreme Being ; — others, no 
 more than a brigadier-general under Pharaoh-Neco. 
 Let him be who he will, faid my uncle Toby^ 
 
 PHILOc 
 
 X Koc^u^ior^Qi; itvsynv. BOCHART, 
 
 § *0 IXo^, TO, CcloOiCX, liTipiTilJLVSTCCt, TSLVTO flOit^aOCl KOci T^^ o(t^ 
 
 .^VTu} a-vy.^uy^ii(; aocTumfKuaocq. SANCIIUNIATHO. 
 
 G G 3 I know 
 
464 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 I know not by what article of war he could 
 juftify it. 
 
 The controvertifts, anfwered my father, affign 
 two-and-twenty different reafons for it : — others, 
 indeed, who have drawn their pens on the oppo- 
 fite fide of the queftion, have ihewn the world the 
 futihty of the greateft part of them. — But then 
 
 again, our beft polemic divines, 1 wilTi there 
 
 was not a polemic divine, faid Yorick, in the king- 
 dom : — one ounce of pra£tical divinity — is worth 
 a painted ihip-load of all their Reverences have 
 
 imported thefe fifty years. Pray, Mr. Yorick, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby, — do tell me what a polemic 
 
 divine is ? The befcdefcription, Captain Shandy, 
 
 I have ever read, is of a couple of em., replied 
 Yorick, in the account of the battle fought, fingle 
 hands, betwixt Gymnaft and Captain Tripet; 
 which I have in my pocket. — — I beg I may hear 
 
 it, quolh my uncle Tol^y, earneftly.- You fliall, 
 
 fai J Yorick. And as the Corporal is waiting for 
 
 me at the door, — and I know the defcription of a 
 battle will do the poor fellow more good than his 
 fupper, — I beg, brother, j^ou'll give him leave to 
 
 come in. -With all my foul, laid my father. 
 
 Trim came in, ereO: and happy as an em- 
 peror ; and having ilmt the door, Yorick took a 
 book from his right hand coat-pockety and read;^ 
 or pretended to read, as follows ; 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDV. 
 
 CHAP. XXIX. 
 
 ^^liich words being; lieard by all the 
 
 foldiers who were there, divers of them being 
 inwardly terrified, did flirink back and make 
 
 ^' room for the affailant. All this did Gvmnaft 
 very well remark and confider ; and, therefore, 
 making as if he would have alighted from off 
 his horfe, as he was poifmg himfelf on the mount- 
 ing fide, he mofl^ nimbly (with his ftort iWord by 
 his thigh) lliifting his feet in the ftirrup, and per- 
 forming the ftirrup-leather feat, whereby, after 
 tlie inclining of his body downwards, he forth- 
 
 ^' with launched himfelf aloft into the air, and placed 
 both his feet together upon the faddle, ftanding 
 
 ^' upright, with his back turned towards his horle s 
 head.— - Now (faid he) my cafe goes forward. 
 
 " Then fuddenly, in the fame pofl;ure wherein he 
 w^as, he fetched a gam.bol upon one foot, and 
 
 " turning to the left hand, failed not to carry his 
 body perfeftly round, juft into his former pofition, 
 
 ^' without miffing one jot. Ha! faid Tripet^ 
 
 I will not do that at this time ; and not with- 
 
 out caufe. Well, faid Gvmnaft, I have failed, 
 
 — I will undo this leap ; then with a marvel- 
 lous ftrength and agility, turning towards the 
 right hand, he fetched another frilking gambol 
 
 ^' as before; which done, he fet his right hand 
 thumb upon the bow of the faddle, raifed himfelf 
 up, and Iprung into the air, poifing and uphold- 
 
 " ing his whole weight yppn the mufcle and nerve 
 of the faid thumb, and fo turned and whirled 
 G G 4 " himfelf 
 
4^6 THE LIFE AND 
 
 ^' himfelf about three times: at the fourth, re- 
 verfing his body, and overturning it upfide down, 
 " and forefide back, without tcuching any things he 
 " brought himfelf betwixt the horfe s two ears ; 
 and then giving himfelfa jerking (wing, he feated 
 himfelf upon the crupper — " 
 
 (This can't be fighthig, faid my uncle Toby. ' 
 
 The Corporal Ihook his head at it. Have 
 
 patience, faid Yorick.) 
 
 " Then (Tripet) pafs'd his right leg over his 
 faddle, and placed himfelf en croup. — But, faid 
 " he, 'twere better for me to get into the faddle. 
 Then putting the thumbs of both hands upon 
 the crupper before him, and thereupon leaning 
 himfelf, as upon the only fupporters of his body, 
 he incontinently turned heels over head in the 
 air, and ftraight found himfelf betwixt the bow 
 " of the faddle in a tolerable feat ; then fpringing 
 *^ into the air with a fummerfet, he turned him about 
 " like a wind-mill, and made above a hundred 
 
 friiks, turns, and demi-pommadas." Goo4 
 
 God ! cried Trim, lofmg all patience, — one home- 
 
 thruft of a bayonet is worth it all. 1 think fo 
 
 too, replied Yorick. 
 
 I am of a contrary opinion, quoth my father. 
 
 CHAP. XXX. 
 
 NO ; — I think I have advanced nothing, 
 
 replied my father, making anfwer to a queltion 
 which Yorick had taken the liberty to put to him, 
 
 — I have 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 467 
 
 —1 have advanced nothing in the Trifira-'p^dia, 
 but what is as dear as any one propolition in 
 Eudid. — Reach me, Trim, that book from off the 
 Icrutoire. — It has oftentimes been in my mind^ 
 continued my father, to have read it over both to you, 
 Yorick, and to my brother Toby ; and I think it a 
 little unfriendly in myfelf, in not having done it long 
 ago. — Shall we have a ftiort chapter or two now,— 
 and a chapter or two hereafter, as occafions ferve ; 
 
 and fo on, till we get through the whole ? My 
 
 uncle Toby and Yorick made the obeilance which 
 was proper ; and the Corporal, though he was not 
 included in the compliment, laid his hand upon his 
 breaft, and made his bow at the fam^e time. — The 
 
 company fmiled.-- Trim, quoth my father, has paid 
 
 the full price for ftaying out the entertainment.- • 
 
 He did not feem to relilh the play, replied Yorick. 
 'Twas a tom-fool battle, an' pleafe your Re- 
 verence, of Captain Tripe t's and that other officer, 
 making fo many fummerfets as they advanced : — • 
 the French come on capering now and then in that 
 way, — but not quite fo much. 
 
 My uncle Toby never felt the confcioufnefs of 
 his exiftence with more complacency than what the 
 Corporals and his own refleftions made him do at 
 that moment ; — he lighted his pipe, — Yorick drew 
 his chair clofer to the table, — Trim fnuff'd the 
 candle, — my father Itirr d up the fire, — took up tlie 
 book;— cough'd twice^ and began. 
 
a6% 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPIXIONS 
 
 CHAP. XXXI. 
 
 THE firft thirty pages, laid my father, turning 
 over the leaves, — are a little dry ; and as they are 
 not clofely conne,6led with the fubjeft, — for the pre- 
 fent well pafs them by : 'tis a prefatory introduc- 
 tion, continued my father, or an introductory pre- 
 face (for I am not determined wliich name to give 
 it) upon political or civil government ; the foun- 
 dation of which being laid in the firft conjunction 
 betwixt male and female, for procreation of the 
 
 fpecies, — I was infenfibly led into it. 'Twas 
 
 natural, faid Yorick. 
 
 The original of fociety, continued my father, Fm 
 fatisiied, is what Politian tells us, i. e. merely con- 
 jugal ; and nothing more than the getting together 
 of one man and one woman ; — to which (accord- 
 ing to Hefiod) tlie philofopher adds a fervant : — 
 but fuppofmg in the firft beginning there w^ere no 
 men-fervants born, — he lays the foundation of it 
 
 in a man, — a woman, — and a bull. -I believe 
 
 'tis an ox, qiioth Yorick, quoting the paffage (oTkou, 
 
 (aIv TT^colitrlrcc^ yvvoaacc rs, pi^u r d^orvj^oc) — A bull 
 
 muft Iiave given more trouble than his head was 
 worth.— But there is a better reafon Itill, faid my 
 father (dipping his pen into his ink) ; for the ox; 
 being the moft patient of animals, and the moft 
 ufeful withal in tilling the ground for their nourifti- 
 ment, — was the propereft inftrument, and emblem 
 too, for the new-joined couple, that the creation 
 
 could have aiTociated with them. And there is 
 
 a ftronger 
 
OF TEJSTllAM SHAMDY. 469 
 
 a ftronger realbn, added my uncle Toby, than thera 
 all for the ox — ?^Iy father had not power to take 
 his pen out of hisinkhorn till he had heard my uncle 
 
 Toby's rea^bn^ For when the ground was tilled, 
 
 faid my uncle Toby, and made worth inclofmg, 
 then they began to lecure it by wails and diiches ; 
 
 which w^as the origin of fortification. 1 rue, true, 
 
 dear Toby, cried my father, ftriking out the bull, 
 and putting the ox in his place. 
 
 My father gave Trim a nod, to fnuff the candle, 
 and refumed his difcourfe. 
 
 — I enter upon this fpeculation, faid my father, 
 carelefsly, and half Ihutting the book, as he went 
 on, merely to fliew the foundation of the natural 
 relation between a father and his child ; the right 
 and jurifdiaion over whom he acquires thefe feveral 
 ways,— 
 
 ift. By marriage; 
 
 2d, By adoption ; 
 
 3d, By legitimation ; 
 
 And 4th, By procreation ; all which I coiifider 
 in their order. 
 
 I lay a flight ftrefs upon one of them, replied 
 Yorick, — the a£l; efpecially where it ends there, 
 in my opinion, lays as little obligation upon the 
 
 child as it conveys power to the father.- You 
 
 are wrong, — faid my father, argutely; and for this 
 plain reafon ^ # # # ^ # 
 
 # # * # # # ^ # 
 
 —1 own, added my father, that the offspring, upon 
 this account^ is not fo under the power and jurifdic- 
 
 tion 
 
47^ 'iHE LIFE AKD OriNIONS 
 
 don of the mother. But the reafon, replied 
 
 Yorick, equally holds good for her. She is 
 
 tinder authority herfelf, faid my father : — and be- 
 fides, continued my father, nodding his head, and 
 laying his finger upon the fide of his nole as he 
 affigned his reafon, ^ — Jhe is not the principal agents 
 Yoiick. -In what ? quoth my uncle 1 oby, flop- 
 ping his pipe. Though by all means, added 
 
 my father (not attending to my uncle Toby) The 
 Jon ought to pay her rejpe£l as you may read, 
 Yorick, at large in the firft book of the Inftitutes 
 of J:uftinian, at the eleventh title and the tenth 
 
 feftion. 1 can read it as well, replied Yorick, 
 
 In the Catechilhio 
 
 CHAP. XXXII. 
 
 TRIM can repeat every word of it by heart, 
 
 quoth my uncle Toby.^ Pugh ! laid my father, 
 
 not caring to be interrupted with Trim s faying his 
 
 Catechifm. He can, upon my honour, replied 
 
 my uncle Toby. Afk him, Mr. Yorick, any 
 
 queftion you pleafe.^ • 
 
 ■ — The Fifth Commandment, Trim? — faid Yor 
 rick, fpeaking mildly, and with a gentle nod, as to 
 a modeft catechumen. — The Corporal ftood iilent. 
 
 « You don't afk liim right, faid my uncle Toby, 
 
 raifing his voice, and giving it rapidiy like the word 
 of command :~The filth ? — cried my uncle Toby^ 
 
 1 muft begin with the fiift, aa' pieafe yoiir 
 
 Honour, faid the Corporal.— — • 
 
 — Yorick 
 
OF TRISTRAM SIIAXOr. 4-^1 
 
 — Yorick could not forbear fmiling. — Your 
 lleverence does not confider, laid the Corporal, 
 Ihouldering his fiick like a muiket, and marching 
 into the middle of the room to illiiftrate his po- 
 fition, — that 'tis exaftly the fame thing as doing 
 one s exercife in the heid. — 
 
 Join your right hand to your firelock^' cried the 
 Corporal^ giving the word of command, and per- 
 forming the motion. — 
 
 " Pcife your firelock^'' cried the Corporal; do- 
 ing the duty ftill both of adjutant and private man. 
 
 Refi your firelock'^'' — One motion, an' pleafe 
 your Reverence, j^ou fee leads into another. — If his 
 Honour will bei^in but with the firft 
 
 The Firjl} — cried my uncle Toby, fetting his 
 hand upon his fide, — ^ # # # ^ # 
 * # ^ # # 
 
 The Second ? — cried my uncle Toby, waving his 
 tobacco-pipe, as he would have done his Iword 
 at the head of a regiment. — The Corporal w^ent 
 through his manual with exaftnefs ; and having 
 honoured his father and mother^ made a low bow, 
 and fell back to the fide of the rooin. 
 
 Every thing in this world, faid my father, is 
 big with jeft, and has wit in it^ and inltruclion too, 
 - — if we can but find it out. 
 
 --Here is the Jcaffold-work of Infiru^ion\ its 
 true point of folly, without the buildtng behind it. 
 
 — Here is the glafs for pedagogues, precep- 
 tors, tutors, governors, gerund-grinders, and bear- 
 leaders, to view themfelves in, in their true dimen- 
 fions.— 
 
 Oh ! 
 
4/2 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Oli ! there is a hufk and ihell, Yorick, Mhich 
 grows up with learning, which their unlkilfulnels 
 knows n:)t how to fling away! 
 
 ■ — Sciences may he learned by rote^ hut Wifdom 
 not. 
 
 Yorick thought my father infjiired. — I will enter 
 inti? obligation: this moment, laid my father, to lay 
 out all my aunt Dinahs legacy in charitable ufes 
 (of v. Lich, by the bye, my father had no high 
 opinion) if the Corporal has any one determinate 
 iciea annexed to any one word he hcis repeated. — 
 Prithee, Trim, quoth my father, turning round to 
 him, — What doft thou mean by " hcnQtiring thy 
 
 father and tJiy r/iother ? " 
 
 Allowing them, an^ pleafe your Honour, three 
 halfpence a day out of my pay, when the}^ grow 
 
 old. And didft thou do that. Trim ? faid Y orick. 
 
 ' He did indeed, replied my uncle Toby. . 
 
 Tiien, TVim, faid Yorick, fpringing out of his 
 chair, and taking the Corporal by the hand, thou 
 art the beft commentator upon that part of the 
 Decalogue ; and I honour thee more for it. Corporal 
 Trim, tiran if thou hadft had a hand in the Talmud 
 itfeif. 
 
 CHAP. XXXIII, 
 
 O BLESSED health! cried my father, making 
 an exclamation, as be turned over the leaves to the 
 next chapter, thou art above all gold and treafure ; 
 \is thou who enlargeft the foul, — and openeft all 
 its |)Owers to receive infiruftion and to relilli virtue. 
 
 —He' 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 473 
 
 — He that has thee, has little more to willi for ; — 
 and he that is fo wretched as to want thee, — wants 
 every thing with thee. 
 
 I have concentrated all that can be faid upon 
 this important head, faid my father, into very little 
 room; therefore we'll read the chapter quite 
 throusfh. 
 
 o 
 
 My father read as follows:— 
 
 The whole fecret of health depending upon 
 the due contention for maftery betwixt the 
 
 radical heat and the radical moifture," 
 
 You have proved that matter of fact, I fu})pofe, 
 
 above, faid Yorick. Sufficiently, replied luy 
 
 father. 
 
 In faying this, my father flmt the book, — not 
 as if he refolved to read no more of it, for he kept 
 his fore-finger in the chapter : — not pcttifhly, — for 
 he flmt the book flowly : his thumb reftiog, when 
 he had done it, upon the upper fide of the cover, 
 as his three fingers fupported the lower fide of it 
 without the leaft compreffive violence. — 
 
 I have demonftrated the truth of that point, qooth 
 my father, nodding to Yorick, moft fufiicicntly in 
 the preceding chapter. 
 
 Now, could the man in the moon be told that 
 a man in the earth had wTote a chapter fufiiciently 
 demonftrating, That the fecret of all health depend- 
 ed upon the due contention for maftery betwixt 
 radical heat and ihe radical moifiure; — and that 
 he had managed the point fo well, that there was 
 not one fmgle word, wet or dry, upon radical heat 
 or radical moifturC; throughout the whole chap- 
 ter,— 
 
474 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 fer, — or a fmgle lyllable in it, pro or con, di- 
 re6tly or indireftly, upon the contention betwixt 
 tiiefe two pon ers in any part of the animal oeco- 
 
 noiny,^ — - 
 
 O thou eternal Maker of all beings!"- — he 
 would cry, ftriking his breaft with his right hand 
 (in cafe he had one) — " Thou whofe power and 
 " gcodnefs can enlarge the faculties of thy crea- 
 tures to tliis infinite degree of excellence and 
 *^ perfection ! — What have we Moonites done ? " 
 
 CHAP. . XXXIV. 
 
 WITH two ftrokes, the one at Hippocrates^ 
 [lie other at Lord Verulum, did my father at« 
 chieve it. 
 
 The liroke at the Prince of Phyficians, with 
 which he began, was no more than a fliort infult 
 upon his forrovvful complaint of the ars longa, — ■ 
 and vita Irevis, — Life ihort, cried my father, and 
 the art of healing tedious ! And who are we to 
 thank for both the one and the other, but the ig- 
 norance of quacks themfelves, — andthe ftage-loads 
 of chymical noftrums, and peripatetic lumber, 
 with which, in all ages, they have firft flatter'd the 
 w orld, and at laft deceived it \ 
 
 — O my Lord Verulam ! cried my father, 
 turning from Hippocrates, and making his fecond 
 ftroke at hiin, as the principal of noftrum-mongers, 
 and the fitteft to be made an example of to the 
 reft, — Wliat ftiall I fay to thee^ my great Lord 
 
 Verulam? 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 475 
 
 Verulam ? What fliall I fay to thy internal fpirit, — 
 thy opium, — thy falt-petre, — thy greafy unSions, 
 • — thy daily purges, — thy nightly clyfters, and 
 fuccedaneums ? 
 
 — My father was never at a lofs what to fay 
 to any man upon any fubjefl: ; and had the leaft 
 occafion for the exordium of any man breathing. 
 How he dealt witli his Lordftip s opinion, — you 
 ftiall fee; — but when, — I know not: — we muft 
 firft fee what his LordlTiip's opinion was. 
 
 CHAP. XXXV. 
 
 THE two great caufes which confpire with 
 each other to ftiorten life, fays Lord Verulam, 
 " are, firft, — • 
 
 ^' The internal fpirit, which, like a gentle 
 flame, waftes the body down to death :— and, 
 fecondly, The external air, that parches the 
 body up to aflies : — which two enemies attack- 
 ing us on both fides of our bodies together, 
 at length deftroy our organs, and render them 
 ' ^ unfit to carry on the funCtions of life." 
 
 This being the ftate of the cafe, the road to 
 longevity was plain ; nothing more being required, 
 fays his Lordihip, but to repair the wafte com- 
 mitted by the interna! fpirit, by making the fub- 
 ftance of it more thick and denfe, by a regular 
 courfe of opiates on one fide, and by refrigerating 
 the heat of it on the other, by three grains and 
 VOL. I. H H a hajf 
 
47^ THE LIFE AND 0PINI01?rS 
 
 a half of falt-petre every morning before you got 
 up. 
 
 Still this frame of ours was left expofed to the 
 inimical aflaults of the air without ; — but this was 
 fenced off again by a courfe of greafy un6lions, 
 which fo fully faturated the pores of the Ikin, that 
 no fpicula could enter nor could any one get 
 out. — This put a ftop to all perfpiration, fenfible 
 and infenfible, which being the caufe of fo many 
 fcurvy diftempers, — a courfe of clyfters was re- 
 quifite to carry off redundant humours, — and ren- 
 der the fyftem complete. 
 
 What my father had to fay to my Lord of 
 Verulam's opiates, his falt-petre, and greafy unc- 
 tions and clyfters, you fhall read, — but not to- 
 day, — or to-morrow: time prelTes upon me, — - 
 tny reader is impatient, — I muft get forwards. — 
 You fhall read the chapter at your leifure (if you 
 chufe it) as foon as ever the Trijtra-padia is 
 pubHfhed.— 
 
 Suffice it at prefent to fay, — My father levelled 
 the hypothefis with the ground; and in doing 
 that, the learned know, he built up and eftabliftied 
 his own. 
 
 CHAP, xxxvr. 
 
 THE whole fecret of health, faid my father, 
 be ginning the fentence again, depending evidently 
 upon the due contention betwixt the radical heat 
 
 and 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHATSTDY. 477 
 
 and radical moifture within us ; — the leaft imagin- 
 able {kill had been fufficient to have maintained 
 it, had not the fchoolmen confounded the talk, 
 merely (as Van Helmont, the famous chymift, has 
 proved) by all along miftaking the radical moifture 
 for the tallow and fat of animal bodies. 
 
 Now the radical moifture is not the tallow or 
 fat of animals, but an oily and balfamous fubftance ; 
 for the fat or tallow, as alfo the phlegm or watery 
 parts, are cold ; whereas the oily and balfamous 
 parts are of a lively heat and fpirit ; which ac- 
 counts for the obfervation of Ariftotle, Ciuod omne 
 animal 'pofi coitum eft trifte. 
 
 Now it is certain that the radical heat lives in 
 the radical moifture ; but whether vice verfd, is a 
 doubt : however, when the one decays, the other 
 decays alfo ; and then is produced either an un- 
 natural heat, which caufes an unnatural drynefs, — - 
 or an unnatural moifture, which caufes dropfies : — 
 lb that if a child, as he grows up, can be but 
 taught to avoid running into fire or water, as either 
 of 'em threaten his deftruftion, — 'twill be all that 
 is needful to be done upon that head. 
 
 CHAP. XXXVII. 
 
 THE defcription of the fiege of Jericho itfelf, 
 could not have engaged the attention of my uncle 
 Toby more powerfully than the laft chapter ; — 
 his eyes were fixed upon my father throughout it ; 
 
 H H 2 — he 
 
47S THE LIFE AND OPHSTlOKS 
 
 ^he never mentioned radical heat and radical 
 moifture, but my uncle Toby took his pipe out of 
 his mouth, and fliook his head; and as loon as the 
 chapter was finilhed, he beckoned to the Corporal 
 to come clofe to his chair, to aik him the following 
 queftion,— ^/i^:— ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ # # # 
 
 Limerick, an' pleafe your Honour^ replied the 
 Corporal, making a bow. 
 
 The poor fellow and I, quoth my uncle Toby^ 
 addreffing himfelf to my father, were fcarce able 
 to crawl out of our tents at the time the fiege of 
 Limerick was raifed, upon the very account you 
 
 mention. Now w^hat can have got into that 
 
 precious noddle of thine, my dear brother Toby ? 
 cried my father, mentally. By Heaven! con- 
 tinued lie, communing ftill with himfeif, it would 
 puzzle an (Edipus to bring it in point. • 
 
 I believe, an pleafe your Honour, quoth the 
 Corporal, that if it had not been for the quantity 
 of brandy we fet fire to every night, and the claret 
 and cinnamon with \Thich I plied your Honour 
 off,— ^ — ^And the Geneva, Trim, added my uncle 
 
 Toby, which did us more good than all, 1 
 
 verily believe, continued the Corporal, we had 
 both, an' pleafe your Honour, left our lives in 
 
 the trenches, and been buried in them too. 
 
 The nobleft grave. Corporal, cried my uncle Toby, 
 his eyes fparkling as he fpoke, that a foldier 
 
 could wiili to lie down in ! But a pitiful 
 
 death for. him! an pleafe your Honour, replied 
 the Corporal," 
 
 All 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY, 4Jg 
 
 All this was as much Arabic to my father as the 
 rites of the Colchi and Troglodytes had been be- 
 fore to my uncle Toby ; my father could not de- 
 termine whether he was to frown or to fmile. 
 
 My uncle Toby, turning to Yorick, refumed 
 the cafe at Limerick more intelligibly than he 
 had begun it, — and fo fetded the point for my 
 father at once. 
 
 CHAP. XXXVIII. 
 
 IT was undoubtedly, faid my uncle Toby, a 
 great happinefs for myfelf and the Corporal, that 
 we had all along a burning fever, attended with 
 a moft raging thirft, during the whole five-and- 
 twenty days the flux was upon us in the camp; 
 otherwife, what my brother calls the radical moif- 
 ture, muft, as I conceive it, inevitably have got 
 the better. My father drew in his lungs top- 
 full of air, and looking up, blew it forth again, 
 as ilowly as he poffibly could. 
 
 It was Heaven s mercy to us, cgntinued my 
 uncle Toby, which put it into the Corporals head 
 to maintain that due contention betwixt the radical 
 heat and the radical moifture, by reinforcing the 
 fever, as he did all along with hot wine and fpices ; 
 whereby the Corporal kept up (as it were) a 
 continual firing; fo that the radical heat Itood its 
 ground from the beginning to the end, and was a 
 fair match for the moifture, terrible as it was.— — 
 
 H H 3 Upon 
 
480 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Upon my honour, added my uncle Toby, you 
 mvjht have heard the contention within our bodies, 
 
 brother Shandy, twenty toifes. If there was 
 
 no firing, faid Yorick. 
 
 Well, — laid my father, with a full afpiration, 
 and paufing awhile after the word, — was I a 
 judge, and the laws of the country which made 
 me one permitted it, I would condemn fome of 
 the worft malefactors, provided they had had their 
 clergy, 
 
 Yorick, forefeeing the fentence w^as likely 
 
 to end with no fort of mercy, laid his hand upon 
 my father s breaft, and begged he would refpite 
 it for a few minutes, till he alked the Corporal a 
 
 queftion. Prithee, Trim, faid Yorick, without 
 
 Itaying for my father s leave,- — tell us hbneftly,- — 
 what is thy opinion concerning this felf-fame radi- 
 cal heat and radical moifture ? 
 
 With humble fubmiffion to his Honour's better 
 judgment, quoth the Corporal, making a bow to 
 
 my uncle Toby, Speak thy opinion freely. 
 
 Corporal, faid my uncle Toby The poor 
 
 fellow is my iervant, — not my Have, added my 
 uncle Toby, turning to my father. 
 
 The Corporal put his hat under his left arm, 
 and with his ftick hanging ui)on the wrift of it, 
 by a black thong fplit into a taifel about the 
 knot, he marched up to the ground where he 
 had perfoimed liis cateciiifm; then touching his 
 under-jaw w^ith the thumb and fingers of his right 
 hand before he opened his mouth; — he delivered 
 his notion thus :— 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 
 
 CHAP. XXXIX. 
 
 JUST as the Corporal was hemming to begin,— 
 
 in waddled Dr. Slop. 'Tis not two-pence matter, 
 
 — the Corporal fhall go on in the next chapter, let 
 who will come in. 
 
 Well, my good Doftor, cried my father, fpor- 
 tively, for the tranfitions of his paffions were un- 
 accountably fudden; — and what has this whelp of 
 mine to fay to the matter ? 
 
 Had my father been alking after the amputation 
 of the tail of a puppy dog, — he could not have done 
 it in a more carelefs air : the fyftem which Dr. Slop 
 had laid down to treat the accident by, no way 
 allowed of fuch a mode of enquiry. — He fat 
 down. 
 
 Pray, Sir, quoth my uncle Toby, in a manner 
 w^hich could not go unanfwered, — In what condi- 
 tion is the boy ? 'Twill end in a phimojis, re- 
 plied Dr. Slop. 
 
 I am no wifer. than I was, quoth my uncle Toby, 
 
 returning his pipe into his mouth. ^Then let the 
 
 Corporal go on^ faid my father, with his medical 
 
 lecture. The Corporal made a bow to his old 
 
 friend, Dr. Slop, and then delivered his opinion 
 concerning radical heat and radical moifturC; in the 
 following words : — 
 
 H H 4 
 
4S2 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 CHAP. XL. 
 
 THE city of Limerick, the fiege of which was 
 begun under his majefty King WiUiam himlelf, the 
 year after I went into the army, — hes, an' pleafe 
 your Honours, in the middle of a devihlTi wet 
 
 fwampy country. -'Tis quite furrounded, faid 
 
 my uncle Toby, with the Shannon ; and is, by its 
 fituation, one of the ftrongeft fortified places in 
 Ireland. ^ — • 
 
 I think this is a new fafliion, quoth Dr. Slop, 
 
 of beginning a medical lecture ■ 'Tis all true, 
 
 anfwered Trim. Then I wilh the faculty would 
 
 follow the cut of it, laid Yorick. -'Tis all cut 
 
 through, an' pleafe your Reverence, faid the Corporal, 
 with drains and bogs ; and befides, there was fuch a 
 quantity of rain fell during the fiege, the whole 
 country was like a puddle ; — 'twas that, and nothing 
 elfe, which brought on the flux, and which had like 
 to have killed both his Honour and myfelf. Now 
 there was no fuch thing, after the firft ten days, 
 continued the Corporal, for a foldier to lie dry in 
 his tent, without cutting a ditch round it, to draw 
 off the water ; — nor was that enough for thole who 
 could afford it, as his Honour could, without fettin^ 
 fire every night to a pewter-difli full of brandy, 
 which took off the damp of the air, and made the 
 infide of the tent as warm as a ftove. — 
 
 And what conclufion doft thou draw, Cor- 
 poral Trim, cried my father, from all thefe pre- 
 
 ipifes? 
 
 5 I infer^ 
 
OF TRISTKAM SHANDY. 483 
 
 I infer, an pleafe yoar Worfnip, replied Trim, 
 that the radical nnoifture is nothing in the world 
 but ditch-water ; — and that the radical heat of thofe 
 who can gototheexpenceofit^ is burnt brandy :- — the 
 radical heat and moifture of a private rnao, au 
 pleafe your Honours, is nothing but ditch-water — • 
 and a dram of Geneva : — and give us but enough of 
 it, with a pipe of tobacco, to give us fpirits and drive 
 away the vapours, — we know not what it is tq fear 
 death. 
 
 I am at a lofs, Captain Shandy, quoth DoCtor 
 Slop, to determine in which branch of learning your 
 fervant fliines moft ; whether in phyfiology or 
 
 divinity. Slop had not forgot Trim s comment 
 
 upon the fermon.— — 
 
 It is but an hour ago, replied Yorick, fmce the 
 Corporal was examined in the latter, and pafled 
 mufter with great honour. • 
 
 The radical heat and moifture, quoth DoCtor 
 Slop, turning to my father, you muft know, is the 
 bafis and foundation of our being, — as the root of 
 a tree is the fource and principle of its vegetation. 
 — It is inherent in the feeds of all animals, aqd 
 may be preferved fundry ways ; but principally, in 
 my opinion, by confubftantials^ impriments^ and occlu- 
 dents. — Now this poor fellow, continued Dr. Slop, 
 pointing to the Corporal, has had the misfortune to 
 have heard fome fuperficial empiric difcourfe upon 
 
 this nice point. That he has, — faid my father. 
 
 ~ — ^ Very likely, faid my uncle. lam fure of it, . 
 
 —quoth Yorick. 
 
484 
 
 THE LIFE AND OPIKIONS 
 
 CHAP. XLI. 
 
 DOCTOR Slop being called out to look at a 
 cataplafm he had ordered, it gave my father an 
 opportunity of going on with another chapter in 
 
 the Trijira-p^dia. Come ! cheer up, my lads ; 
 
 111 Ihew you land ; — for when we have tugged 
 thro' that chapter, the book fhall not be opened 
 again this twelvemonth. — Huzza ! — • 
 
 CHAP. XLII. 
 
 FIVE years with a bib under his chin ; 
 
 Four years in travelHng from Chrift-crofs-row to 
 Malachi ; 
 
 A year and a half in learning to write his own 
 name ; 
 
 Seven long years and more ruTrlw-ing it, at Greek 
 and Latin ; 
 
 Four years at his f relations and his negations ; — 
 the fine ftatue ftill lying in the middle of the marble 
 block, — and nothing done, but his tools fharpened 
 to hew it out ! — 'Tis a piteous delay ! — Was not 
 the great Julius Scaliger within an ace of never 
 getting his tools Ibarpened at all ? — Forty- four 
 years old was he before he couldr-manage his 
 Greek; — and Peter Damianus, Lord Biihop of 
 Oftia, as ail the world knows, could not fo much as 
 read when he was of man's eftate ; — and Baldus 
 
 himfelf, 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 485 
 
 himfelf, as eminent as he turned out after, entered 
 uporr-thelaw folate in life, that every body imagined 
 he intended to be an advocate in the other world. No 
 wonder, when Eudamidus, the fon of Archidamas, 
 heard Xenocrates at feventy-five difputing about 
 wijdom^ that he aiked gravely, — If the old man 
 ^' be yet difputing and enquiring concerning wif- 
 
 dom, — what time will he have to make ufe of 
 
 it?" 
 
 Yorick liftened to my father with great atten- 
 tion : there w^as a feafoning of wifdom unaccount- 
 ably mixed up w ith his ftrangeft whims ; and he 
 had fometimes fuch illuminations in the darkeft of 
 his eclipfes, as aivnoft atoned for them. — Be wary. 
 Sir, when j^ou imitate him. 
 
 . lam convinced, Yorick, continued my father, half 
 reading and half difcourfing, that there is a north- 
 weft paffage to the mtellefitual world ; and that the 
 foul of man h is lliorter ways of going to work, m 
 furnifhing itlelf with knowledge and inftru6lion, 
 than we generally take with it. — But, alack ! all 
 fields have not a river or a fpring running befide 
 them ; — every child, Yorick, has not a parent to 
 point it out 
 
 — The whole entirely depends, added my father, 
 in a low voice, upon the auxiliary verbs, Mr- 
 Yorick, 
 
 Had Yorick trod upon A^irgil's fnake, he could 
 not have looked more farprifed. — I am furprifed 
 too, cried my father, oblerving it ; — and I reckon it 
 as one of the greateft calamities w^hich ever befel 
 
 the 
 
4S6 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 tlie republic of letters, That thofe who have been 
 eiitraiied with the education of our children, and 
 whofe .bivlinefs it was to open their minds, and 
 ftock iheiii early with ideas, in order to fet the 
 imagination ioofe upon thcoi, have made fo Httle ufe 
 of the auxihary verbs in doing it, as they have done ; 
 — fothat, except Raymond Lulfius, and the elder 
 Pelegrini, the laft of whom arrived to fuch per- 
 fection in the ufe of "em, with his topics, that, in a 
 few leiToiis, he could teach a young gentleman to 
 difcourie with plaufibility upon any fubjecl, pro 
 and con, and to fay and write all that could be 
 fpoken or written concerning it, without blotting a 
 word, to the admiration of all who beheld him. 
 
 1 CiOuld be glad, iaid Yorick, interrupting my 
 
 father, to be made to comprehend this matter. 
 
 Yoo fliall, faid my father. 
 
 The higheft ftretch of improvement a fingle word 
 is capable of, is a high metaphor ; — for which, in 
 my opinion, the idea is generally the worfe, and 
 not the better : — but, I e that as it may,^ — when the 
 mind has done that with it, — there is an end ; — the 
 mind and the idea are at reft, — until a fecond idea 
 enters; — ^and fo on. 
 
 Now the ufe of the Auxiliaries is, at once to fet 
 the foui a-going by herfelf upon the materials as 
 they are brought her ; and by the verfability of this 
 great engine, round which they are twifted, to open 
 new trafts of enquiry, and make every idea 
 engender millions. 
 
 You excite my curiolity gi^atly, faid Yorick. 
 
 For my ovi n part^ quoth my uncle Toby^ I have 
 
 given 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHAXDY. 487 
 
 given it up. The Danes, an pleafe your Ho- 
 nour, quoth the Corporal, ^vho were on the left at 
 
 the fiege of Limerick, were all auxiliaries.- And 
 
 very good ones, faid my uncle Tob}^ ^And 
 
 your Honour rouFd widi them, — captains with 
 
 captains, — very well, laid the Corporal. But 
 
 the auxiliaries, Trim, my brother is talking about 
 anfvvered niy uncle Toby, — I conceive to be 
 dSflferent things. 
 
 You do ? faid my father, rifing up. 
 
 CHAP. XLIII. 
 
 MY father took a fingle turn acrofs the room, 
 then fat down, and finiftied the chapter. 
 
 The verbs auxiliary w^e are concerned in here, 
 continued my father, are, am, was, have, had, do^ 
 did^ make, made, Juffer, /hall, Jhould, will, would, can^ 
 could, owe, ought, ujed, or is went : — and thefe, 
 varied with tenfes, prefent, paji, future, and conju- 
 gated with the verb Jee,' — or with thefe queftions 
 added to them :— Zr it? Was it? Will it he ? 
 Would it he? May it he ? Might it he ? — and thefe 
 again put negatively, Is it not ? Was it not ? Ought 
 it not ?—ov affirmatively, — // is, It was, It ought to 
 he ; — or chronologically, — Has it been always ? 
 Lately? How long ago ? — or hypothetically, — If 
 it was ? If it was not ? — what would follow ? — = 
 If the French Ihould beat the Englifh ? If the Sun 
 go out of the Zodiac ? 
 
 Now, 
 
4S8 THE LIFE AND OPINIONS 
 
 Now, by the right ufe and application of thefej, 
 continued my father, in which a child's memory 
 lliould be excrcifed, there is no one idea can enter 
 Lis brain, how barren foever, but a magazine of 
 conceptions and conclufions may be drawn forth 
 from it.— Didft thou ever fee a white bear ? cried 
 my father, turning his head round to Trim, who 
 
 ftood at the back of his chair.— No, an' pleafe 
 
 your Honour, replied the Corporal. But thcu 
 
 couldft difcourfe about one, Trim, faid my father, 
 in cafe of need ? How is it poffible, brother, 
 quoth my uncle Tobv, if the Corporal never faw 
 
 one ? 'Tis the fa6t I want, replied my father ; — • 
 
 and the poffibility of it is as follows : — 
 
 A WHITE BEAR ! Very well. Have I ever feen 
 one ? Might I ever have feen one ? Am I ever to 
 fee one? Ought I ever to have feen one ? Or can I 
 ever fee one ? 
 
 Would I had feen a white bear ! (for how can I 
 imagine it ?) 
 
 If I ibould fee a white bear, what ftiould I 
 fay? If I fhould never fee a white bear, what 
 then? 
 
 If I never have, can, muft, or fhall fee a Avhite 
 bear alive, — have I ever feen the Ikin of one ? Did 
 I ever fee one painted ? — defcribed ? Have I never 
 dreamed of one ? 
 
 Did my father, mother, uncle, aunt, brothers 
 or fifters, ever fee a white bear? What would they 
 give? How would they behave? How would the 
 
 white 
 
OF TRISTRAM SHANDY. 489 
 
 white bear have behaved? Is he wild? Tame? 
 Terrible? Rough? Smooth? 
 
 — Is the white bear worth feeins^? 
 
 — Is there no fin in it ? — 
 
 — Is it better than a black one ?— 
 
 EKD OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 Printed by Luke Hanfard & Sqos, 
 near Lmcoln*s-Iim f ields^ 
 
m 
 
r