' in p ImPj 1 m 1111 ■ m ? »:' ' ISSiiSiS ". , ?■ wmm y » $■■ : i kfj *s Hpi- * *i*iSi*Si sn HI m m Vik<-r mm m IlliiSiSllf: «IJ mm mt IN THE 4-00 li 1 "i £l[^ and Out By CHARLES JAY TAYLOR^ / --Ay,., Ir ; PUBLISH ED-' BY-KF.P PUR-&. SCHWARZ wr^mmmrnJKm SMRhmm mm \ Entered According to Act of Congress, in the Year 1889, by Kei'pler & Schwarzmann. PRESS OF PUCK, NEW YORK. m |j\J 4. j&f I. THE PROLOGUE. II. THE COMEDY — “ I NT Pap"* A Toss Up Her Time Had Not Come A Charitable View A Safe Place Notes front Narragansett The Lady and the Tiger Another Case of Table Moving Notes from Newport i Absent-Minded j T An Echo from Newport 12 Economical I2 A Society Disease 13 The Evolution of the Bathing Costume .... 14 An Adirondack Idyl 15 A Narragansett Evener 16 Her first Party Since the Summer Season. . . 17 A Prospect of Improvement 18 A Readjustment j g The Tuxedo Home jg He Would Mix Finance With Art 20 A Hempstead Diversion 21 Unsentimental 2 2 Chipped Truth 2 2 Nothing Passed Him 2 ? The Heat Did It 2 ^ Heavy Assets " J **5 ^VO NCO O' o On the Avenue The Rabbit-Shooting Season The Heavy English Style Very Blank Verse to Her Not a Complete Wreck A Bald Subject On Board the Gallia Before Her Portrait . I n the Inglenook A Precocious Plea Precaution The “ fe/yll and Hyde ” Craze On the l Vay to the Station The First Hunt of the Season At the Top of the Slide Felinily Their Knowledge of the Country A Modest Covering Safer On Foot Paris and Venus She Put Him Right III. THE FARCE — “ OUT.” The Young Amateur and the Wicked Uncle The Start On the Road The Procession Aged Athletics The Dear Old Times The Remedy Worse than the Disease Talking Shop An Episode in an Adirondack Hotel Dining- Room Southern Conciseness As It Seemed to Hint “ Read the Answer in the Stars ! ” The Latest from the Second Nine He Had to be Put Out That Peculiar Brand . Page. , . 26 . 27 • 27 . 28 • 29 • 29 • 30 31 • 32 33 34 • 35 • 36 • 37 • 38 39 4o • 4i 42 • 43 • 44 • 45 ■ 46 46 • 47 47 . 48 49 49 5o 5i 51 ■ 52 52 53 53 ■Ml — IN THE 400 - AND OUT. Ethel. — Sarah. — II. THE COMEDY -“IN.” 8 A TOSS UP. They say he has an income of twenty thousand dollars. Well, then it ’s an even thing between her and three social, one athletic, one toboggan and two country clubs. 3 . A SAFE PLACE. Mrs. Lenox Mill, Jr. ( getting ready to leave town ). — Lenox, where shall I hide these silver spoons, in case thieves break in ? Do you think between the mattresses would be a good place ? Mr. Lenox Hill, Jr. ( who knows what he is talking about). — Nonsense! Put them into one of your dress pockets in the closet, and if a burglar finds that, he deserves the spoons ! 4*4 I II X to A TT : > ' t vigj / l:t , 2 : ¥j ..>/■ f V- -"V C ^ JW/Y miff e , j'% k- - r'4^1 pK I ' : _ -' • : Vii r YlO/ } )' h - -v fc’ t lhjs: ■>'V. sg®s&/ imy id x ; -‘ ; .« ' ,' i* f < \ /X “ix ' x„ Narragansett Pier Blossoms. Jack. — I don’t like it here very well ; do you, Dorothy ? Dorothy. -—No ; 1 think it ’s vile ! Bess (7 a ho has had a little tiff with the pair}. — Never mind ; perhaps when your Papa comes down and finds that your Mama is so unpopular that she has to bathe alone, he 'll take you all away. NOTES FROM N ARRAGANSETT. Familiarity Breeds Contempt. Dick. — Does your Mama let you take off your shoes and stockings ? Bess. — O — o — oh, no ! It is n’t nice! Dick. — My Mama lets vie. Bess. — But your Mama ’s been here two seasons, you know ! Aunt Harriet.— Bless my soul, Abner, what fashion is this for these city folks to go out drivin’ wax figgers ? I ’ve watched that thing behind since they turned the corner, and it has n’t moved once ! ri; X -■ ' -V- , •. "• mn$en| ANOTHER CASE OF TABLE MOVING. Mr. Franklin de Belleville — My dear, I quite realize the weariness you must experience in wailing so long for Nora to serve the dinner ; but, even if you have no consideration for my feelings, I trust, merely for the sake of the example to Ethel, that you will not go to sleep ! Mrs. de Belleville. — Sleep ! Why, Franklin, I Ve been trying to find that new electric bell for the last twenty minutes ! fmmrm—mm* — — ... - ii '• 7:i -• ' *• V 4‘^ l "v ) ' ^ J~ ; " ' s> &'£•* ^vmv\ W ; J ", : _^L - ass Ltk -^Li^ NOTES FROM NEWPORT. A Newport Zephyr. She. — Isn’t that Miss Cleminshaw coming out ? He. — I really can’t say. When Miss Cleminshaw came out last Winter, she wore about the same toggery as that ; but it was lower down on her. ■ in ■ i ■ - ABSENT-MINDED. Mrs. Potts (at breakfast ). — Have some chips, John? Jack Potts ( from an immeasurable distance , mentally, behind the folds of his newspaper ). — Yes; stacks of reds, please ! 1 1 Dr. Schmerz. — Nervous prostration. You need rest. Mrs. Aiken. — -.W hy, I do nothing but rest ! Dr. Schmerz. — Well, try some light employment. Watch other people work. A SOCIETY DISEASE. A NARRAGANSETT EVENER. Miss Una Ware. —Why, Mama, here’s Mr. Steele! You remember how pleasantly we met him here last season? Mr. Bessemer Steele. — This is Mrs. Gorham Ware — and Miss Ware? Miss Ware. — Why, yes. Mr. Steele (who had been crushed when he attempted to renew acquaintance at the Patriarchs 1 ). — Well, Mrs. Gorham Ware — and Miss Ware, you ’ll pardon me if I say that I can’t consent to be simply on liquid terms with your family. 1 6 Mr. Younghusband ( slightly jealous of his Wife’s successes ). — Bali Jove, Edilh, I ’in doosid glad this is the vevvy last dkcollclke exhibition of the season, dontcherknow ! She. — Yes, so am I. I ’m just longing for my three weeks’ rest before I have to put on that new bathing suit. — A READJUSTMENT. She blushed, herself, at the time-worn phrase ; but she told him she would be a sister to him. “ All right,” he said, moodily, and half to himself; “but ‘sister’ doesn’t mean flowers three times a week and losing bets just to pay gloves and things, and a bonbonniere as big as a house at Easter. Sisters ain’t in the appropriation bill this year.” 18 I A HEMPSTEAD DIVERSION. Conley. — Plaze, sor, th* rabbit hev took refuge under Mrs. Overmalh, sor, an’ bechune her bein’ scared an’ me bein’ bashful, Oi t'ink Oi ’d betther lave another wan slip, sor. ‘I UNSENTIMENTAL. De Bloy ( showing his Chicago Cousin around Newport ). — That ’s the old mill that Longfellow wrote about. Chicago Cousin. — Huh ! Y’ ought to see Washburn’s plant up in Minneapolis ! 22 CHIPPED TRUTH. “ John, what are these round ivory things in your dress-vest pocket ? ” “T — those are samples of b — buttons that I got at my t — tailor’s t — to day, dear ; I tucked them in there d — day before yest — ” “ Which do you propose to choose for steady wear, John, the red, the white or the blue ones ? ” — — n THE HEAT DID IT. Mr. Southdown Popinjay. — -W hat a charming collection of bric-a-brac our hostess has collected ? Mrs. Sevier.— Y es, lias n’t she? I ’ve just been admiring that example of enamel crackle-work on her back! ■ ON THE AVENUE. De Topp.— I say that a man who will consent to allow one of our finest residences to be turned into a mere shop, is a mean, contemptible miser, and he and his family should be kicked out,cf a civilized community ! Miss Crash. You must excuse me, Mr. de Topp, if I leave you on the next corner. Papa owns that building, and I ’m naturally timid. z6 THE HEAVY ENGLISH STYLE. Aunty. — Amelia, let me out of this thing instantly ! This may be style, t>ut I prefer sliding downstair^. tv * " - /_ VERY BLANK VERSE TO HER. Mr. B. Conhill (of Boston). — Ah, Miss Chandler, I see you are an admirer of Milton ! Miss Chandler (of Cincinnati). — No; can’t say I am. Why, Pa’s young advertising man makes rhymes with a good deal pleasanter jingle ! 28 NOT A COMPLETE WRECK. Mrs. Lott. — And has nothing been saved from the wreck ? Job Lott ( tragically ). — Nothing — absolutely nothing — except my honest name ! Mrs. LOTT. — H-m ! With that, and the trifling assistance of the property you transferred to me three months ago, may be we can start again ! A BALD SUBJECT. Little Sigourney. — *f I *11 be real good, Mama, and go directly to bed, may I aslc one question ? Mr. Bawnso. — What an interesting child ! Ask all the questions you want to. I ’ll make it right with Mama. Little Sigourney (promptly). — Well, what I want to know is, Mama, what makes Mr. Bawnso wear his moustache on the top of his head ? 3 ON BOARD THE GALLIA. Miss Ada Racket (just from Italy).- — -Oil, Mr. Newton, are you a good judge of Roman coins ? Mr. Windsor Newton (just from Paris). — Well, I know all about the Latin Quarter ! IN THE INGLENOOK. [Young Spindrift Smythe has escort.;/ Miss Marshali.-Neai. home from the theatre party , and has apparently taken root in his chair / ] Miss Marshall Neal. — You don’t know how much I enjoyed the play last night! PRECOCIOUS PLEA. - Mr. Stuyvesant van Derk. — Would it shock you very much if I offered you a drop of our ladies’ punch ? You must be chilly, and there’s really nothing strong in it. Miss Henley-Heni fy Chanfauntk ( of Montreal ). — Thank you, awfully, but I believe I won’t try it. I always have to join Mania in her Irish Whiskey and Cayenne Pepper, after a slide, and it might be too much for me. PRECAUTION. 34 THE “ JEKYLL AND HYDE” CRAZE. Mr. L. Barrett Mildman. — Impwobable? “Jekyll and Hyde ” impwobable ? Why, it ’s a mere matter of dwess, pawsitively. All you have to do is to dwop your eye-glass, (dwops it,) turn down your collah (does so,) wumple your hair, (wwnples it,) and thwow your cuffs away ( dispenses with them ) — — now how do I look ? Mr. E. Coe ( upstarting ). — Puffectly dewlish, bah Jove ! I ’m converted ! 35 AT THE TOP OF THE SLIDE. Steersman. — All ready, Bascom ? Bascom. — Yes — or — er — wait a moment. If Miss Kittyman will kindly tuck her feet in a little closer, I think we shall find less wind-resistance. FELINITY. [Mrs. Kaymoverim has brought out a priceless family heirloom of sterling silver , and is waiting for some adulation .] Her Visitor. — -Oh, I ’m awfully glad to see you agree with me! I ’ve always told Jack that pewter is the thing to brew tea in. Macy does have such pretty things, does n’t he ? THEIR KNOWLEDGE OF THE COUNTRY. Miss Strathmore (of Kensington Terrace , who has been invited to go ice -yachting ). — I think it’s awfully shabby of them not to send a boat ashore for us, after that cordial invitation ! Mrs. Strathmore. — Eloise, these American yachtsmen are boors ! 40 mmt* SHE PUT HIM RIGHT. Mr. Oldhawk. — Ah, my dear Miss Chick, how like sunshine is the presence of a charming girl ! How it illuminates the home ! Would that I possessed such a treasure ! Miss Chick. — Oh, to be sure, Mr. Oldhawk ! Don’t you wish you had married when you were young, as Papa did, and had a lovely daughter of your own ? -.44 IHNPMnHHHMMRMHHnjMIMipMMnHM IN THE 400 — AND OUT. III. THE FARCE -“OUT.” Amateur ( complacently ) have you posed to my satisfaction — all that remains to be done is to focus and expose — which 1 will proceed to do. THE YOUNG AMATEUR AND THE WICKED UNCLE. Yes, Uncle, I now Voice (from under black cloth). — T say, Uncle, I guess we had better postpone this till some day when there is more light. For some unaccountable reason, the light is verv dull to-dav. Miss Eveleth (betrothed to Algy^. — Don’t you think the run will be too much for him, clear? lie ’s only a puppy, you know. Algy. — Oh, no ! We can stop and rest him once in a while. I ’ll look out for him. THE START. Miss Eveleth. — Why so silent, precious? Algy. — I’ve been thinking for the past half-hour whether it will be better to have the billiard-room floor laid in a Moorish or a Grecian pattern. Which do you prefer, little one ? ON THE ROAD. Drum Major. — Vot you resdin’ for, you feller mit der glarionet ? don’ you know — (Trips over a loose cobble-stone. ) Clarionet. — I vos yust goin’ to dell you apout dot shtone. PROCESSION. THE ■■ Grandma (who has found Charlie’s new bicycle). — It ’s pow’ful strange, how I forgit ! Why, I useter do th’ spinnin’ fer ill’ hull family when I was a gal. AGED ATHLETICS. 47 THE REMEDY WORSE THAN THE DISEASE. Muli.IN. — Oi hev a chinder in me eye, from th’ gas-house ! Mrs. Mulltn. — Sorra, sorra ! This is pfwhat yez ’ll do. Hould yure nose wid wan hand ; tur-rn th’ lid av yure oye insidy-out wid th’ other ; kape yure moat’ shut, an’ shneeze like th’ divil ! MULLIN', — Oi t’ink Oi ’ll kape th’ chinder, Rosie ! 49 TALKING SHOP. Physician (examining Rural Editor for life insurance purposes). — Your circulation does not seem to be impaired ? Editor. — No; we ’re printin’ six hundred and thirty copies a week now, agin only six hundred a year ago ! ... ... ... ■ mmm PHHPBBHBB j AN EPISODE IN AN ADIRONDACK HOTEL It was only the little pet bear from the stables ; but it was enough for the DINING-ROOM. bear-hunting tourists, all the same. SOUTHERN CONCISENESS. Mr. Clay C. Terpentine (of the Georgia Uplands , proposing). — Polly want a Cracker? AS IT SEEMED TO HIM. (After the . Innual Club Dinner.) “ ’S all right, M’riash — ’s all right. No ’casion F ’lumination, though. Rest T boysh too drunk t’ “READ THE ANSWER IN THE STARS!” Sudden Appearance of a New and Mysterious Industry in the Prohibition States. Left Field (in enclosure). — Yer ’ll have to call der game, fellys. Finnerty’s pig has swallowed de ball ! HE HAD TO BE PUT OUT. Driver. — All out ! End of route ! Mr. Seed (from Hohokus). — No, you don’t! I ’ve heered of them things before. I dropped in a nickel fifteen minutes ago, an’ I don’t git out ’till I hear the music play, b’gosh !