Copyright, 1912, by Doubleday, Page and Company Copyright, 1912, by R. L. Goldberg All rights reserved, including that of translation into foreign languages, including the Scandinavian Warning! Let me stop you just a moment before plunging into the depths of this little book. I must burden you with a terrible confession. This is not a work of art! I admit that this truth prevails rather from circumstance than choice. I have long since realized that my artistic deficiencies remove me far from the sphere of Rembrandt and Michael Angelo. My ever-present realization of the material virtues of kidney stew and gorgonzola cheese has permanently destroyed whatever of the ethereal that may have been born within me. With this awful fact staling me in the face I have set for myself the not-unpleasant task of drowning my tears in a sea of foolishness. If, as you glance through these pages, a smile flits across your face, a base-hit will be registered on my subconscious scoreboard of satisfaction. A touch of art may nourish the soul, but a good laugh always aids the digestion. Now that we are pretty well acquainted, I feel that it is fairly safe to allow you to brave the hazards within. R. L. Goldberg Variola Dustpan Exposes Secrets of the Daffy Banker Exclusive Interview by Miss Dustpan Proves That Joseph I. Robbing Breathes Real Air and Talks Like a Human Being — Zbyszko and Jack Johnson Arouse His Admiration. “Love — mercy — prunes, altruism, embalming fluid, hysterics, and beauty.” These are the secrets of life according to Joseph I. Robbing, the handsome financier, who precipitated the depositors of the Southern Bank of New York into the ocean of despair. This morning I succeeded in getting the first inter- view Mr. Robbing has given out since he was last interviewed. “I see you are here,” he said looking at me with his eyes as he ushered me into his handsomely furnished library. I looked about me in delirious wonderment. As my gaze wandered toward the floor I discovered there a carpet. Yes, a real, regular, the-kind-you-tack-down carpet. The ceiling was tinted in a rich gold, here and there softened with touches of yellow, brown, pink, green, lavender, red, and blue. It was simple, but elegant. Mr. Robbing asked me to sit down on a chair. This simple request unfolded to me the analytical, far-seeing, technical, poetic, heterogeneous nature of the man. He had asked me to sit on a chair! I watched him critically as he inhaled the air which naturally filled the room. He was indeed an all-power- ful captain of finance. He had two eyes, directly underneath the intersection of which was a nose — a regular nose. A short, stubby moustache — the kind worn by Ossip the First, ruler of the Sausage- ites during the last half of the second century Anno Domini — reposed gracefully beneath the nasal ap- pendage. My close observation of human nature led me to believe that a mouth was hidden there in the complex underbrush. My premonition proved true later on when he spoke. “Um, ” I ventured to say by way of drawing him out into a subconscious interview. He moved his foot which was covered with a shoe. “Yes,” he reiterated after a slight pause of three hours, “ I believe that Jack Johnson could have de- feated any of them in his best days.” The oracle — the man who dug his hand into the ash-can and pulled up a million — had spoken. I heard him with my ears! “Do you think it pays to peddle the bunk ? ” I timidly asked him as he carelessly tossed a hundred thousand dollars to the crowd of officers in the street below. “ I think, ” he answered, his frank eyes still remaining above his nose, “that Abe Attell is greater in many respects than Shakespeare. I have looked over every page of Shakespeare’s record and have not discovered a single K. O. ” The reflection brought to my mind the beautiful lines from the great bard’s masterpiece, The Oyster Loaf: The sun is in the heavens The air is in between, The earth is underneath us, And the ocean’s wet I ween; There’s always lots of weather, There are branches on the trees. I guess I’m going daffy, I’m an awful piece of cheese. I could not resist the temptation of asking Mr. Rob- bing the vital question “What do you think of our American women?” He did not hesitate an instant. Naively placing one word after another, he said: “Zybszko, the Polish plasterer, is a fine example of what three square meals a day can do fora man. I am told he lives solely on carpet tacks and herring. His waist is a classic.” Still noting that Mr. Robbing’s nose was situated between his eyes and his moustache, I went out into the night. I was a better being for having talked with a great man. In the words of Zodiac the Russian pipe-fitter; “Umsopagus gazish.” THeWc is J °HiM b. ^oc-fee>=€rLLe^ THoo<5^ t ov> tke \LS2\ For -vne siAN^ b OIL TRUST YES, TRAVEL IS A GREAT EDUCATION FOR A YOUNG MAN r FOOLISH FOOLISH QUESTIONS-^®- PUTTING ON YOUP SANTA CLAUS MAKEUP PAPA ? ( jSj ti iw* NO, OSCAR- Making «p as " r He Ham in hamlet 'o o X Foolish QUESTiONS-m^a,»fl 'MHAT ^ R/G you KtdKIWG ABOUT x . XHWK °f "TBe Toofi. STeMOGRf\pHefe \mHo KAS TO S\T AROUND ALL bMT A Nib TAKRy M 6"M. '«!(),.• ( v^liiNlY ~TUG OTOVGR MMEWT 5HOOL5 AbAPT THG - LAUNbEREb SHIRT AS AN IMPLEMENT OF VNA.T5 AT ANY RATE, THE LAUNDRIES ARE NOT A BIT STINGY WITH THEIR PINS i THIS IS JUST AS TRUE AS YOU’RE SITTING HERE LOOKING AT IT H I’M THE GUY t TAeSR BooB-S TAL(C ^BoUT exc(THMe>OT- ^Hr, r CAM BRMFMBRR. ? I WoMlWAT^b ) J(M BL f\\h)£ 'P'^GStbBNT^o "THe c-ete^^Q L-ASceii For 3 gk Hours THoUSAMbS of MRj' SXARVRb "TO t>£ATF\ WfMT(NG RoR A FfVAMCe TO STtAHr I’M THE GUY “Good morning judge,” the young man said His face was wan and pale — “I don’t intend to plead with you To let me out on bail; My story’s short and simple, judge — I’m not a common tough. ” He braced himself against a chair And pulled his line of stuff. “The other night I thought I’d like To see a cabaret — I grabbed my cane and hat and coat And went to a cafe; The lights were burning brightly as I strolled into the place, The world looked very good to me, A smile was on my face. “A little boy in uniform Rushed up and grabbed my lid; I couldn’t for the life of me Determine why he did: I made a move to go inside — The young man blocked my way. ‘You’ll have to check your coat,’ he said, ‘You wooden-headed jay.’ He tore the garment off my back, And hung it on a hook, But I controlled my feeling, though I knew he was a crook. “Again I started for the door. He blocked my way again; ‘I must insist,’ the villain said, ‘That you give me your cane.’ He snatched the stick away from me And threw it on the floor; I could have killed him then and there, I felt so awful sore. “I started for a table then, But still he stuck like glue; ‘You’ll have to check your undershirt And your suspenders, too;’ He pounced upon my neck and took My things away from me, The sight that I presented, Judge, Was terrible to see. “But still I hankered for a seat Within that gay cafe, Again I njade a break to go, Again he bid me stay; He said, ‘You must check everything’; He grabbed me by the throat — Oh, Judge, I couldn’t stand for that, ’Twas then I lost my goat. “I up and soaked him on the nose, I kicked him in the jaw; I threw him up against the wall, I tossed him on the floor; I pressed a plate of kidney stew Against his homely face; I dislocated both his ears. They looked like Irish lace. “And when he lay all huddled up, A sad and total wreck, I pulled out my revolver and I shot him in the neck.” The judge looked at the pale young man — His eyes were filled with tears. “Discharged!” he said. “Your noble work Will live for years and years!” THEY ALL LOOK GOOD WHEN THEY’RE FAR AWAY! THEY ALL LOOK GOOD WHEN THEY’RE FAR AWAY! THEY ALL LOOK GOOD WHEN THEY’RE FAR AWAY! Got my start A RlVETeiR IAJ Boiler factor 1 L£Ae?0 LAST YeAR AT TH€ ConJGRGSS of ceFewT vvjork(=Rs bo/TT VUcRRY IF IT AcHts For. -six MOMTHS OR SO - IT TAKe^S TIM6 FOR ,'THe ctmhot To FrARbeH - ILL TVWVSH THe Jog vxjhtki r gft Back from GURoRe. VTffsse THEY ALL LOOK GOOD WHEN THEY’RE FAR AWAY! .(^TeXiTLeMOJ, ALLOW ME TO PRES0TT THE bl§TlMSU(5/l£b SPEAKER op THE EV/EKUMG, LISTER JOHW s. WJHaLeToNE WHO tAAS moseM FM-STER- TOAST M . ASTER FELLovo MEMG. 05 S °F T He tsociery fop. TAe EbUCATio/\j o f THe SOFT SAtLL CRAB-, HT HEART IS C2>\]eRFLo\AJIMS WITH c °A)f licti AJ q p GGLjax5s OF FlEASURe ANJ5 S| bOL/BT- in^iutx to EXPRESS K\ THOUGHTS I AJ ADEQUATE TERMS ONUSES A, TTtAL WAVE 1 OF AWGijISfA To bASp Ruthless lx, over t++e 'Bulwarks op S0UL ~ ik T/ePco, 1 THEY ALWAYS COME BACK FOR MORE wKCRe is T He TINWARE b€?ARTMeNT ? HR sr floor. , boLL-S, SAfeiY' Razors, millinery, HARbWARR , MUSIC-, furniture , Awb Cannes Goobs Where u Tlrte TIN- WARE bGVARTMGHT? sGCo/Ub pLcoR., VUoohOU AORS.6TS, <5RocERies, AUTO MOBILE 7 SUPPLIES, OPIUMS, J\ HoRSERAblsH, THIRb FLOOR., b>ILL PICPLUS, rur coats. Jewelry, Poo Ft A FLooR. FALsf FACES, CRUTCHES, CANbles, UMbeRwiGAR, F'ANbAOrE'S, Awtb fclturr j FRAMED AN ELEVATOR BOY HAS MORE TO REMEMBER THAN THE STAR OF A SHAKESPEAREAN TRAGEDY Ads Upon The Sporting Page Just at Present ail The Rage His work was o’er, he grabbed his hat and blew into the street. He jumped upon a trolley car to rest his weary feet. He paid his fare and opened wide- the Daily Evening Rage , to feast his eyes on all the news upon the sporting page. He doted on athletics, and he went to every fight; he pondered over baseball dope from morning until night. So he was very anxious just to cast his eagle eye upon the page that tells of every pugilistic guy. And, as we said before, my child, he opened wide the sheet to soothe his nerves with fighting news and have a baseball treat. And this is what he gazed upon with sad and weary eye. He smote his chest and pulled his hair and heaved a heavy sigh. A picture of a lemon pie adorned the sporting page. On either side appeared a bunch of boobs within a cage. The picture was supposed to be a thing to make you laugh and of the good old sporting page it occupied one half. And in the southeast corner there appeared an ad which read, “We offer special prices to the dying and the dead. We’re selling coffins very cheap, so hurry up and die — our shrouds are very stylish and our prices are not high. ” And in the other corner of this page of sporting news appeared in flaming letters, “We can cure you of the blues! Take Doctor Dope’s advice, my friend, and buy his purple pills. They cure the grip and colic and a million other ills. ” Right next to this there was an ad for vests and coats and shirts. “For cheap and nobby things to wear go down to Philip Wurtz. ” And underneath the reader saw a list of billiard joints where he could play for twenty cents a game of fifty points. Our hero’s eyes grew dimmer still. He brushed away a tear, when in his search for sporting news he read, “Drink Rummy’s Beer!” He read about bananas and he read about the croup; he read, “Go down to Coney if you wish to loop the loop. ” In vain he looked for just a word of real old baseball news; in vain he looked to see what pug would win his fight or lose. He couldn’t even find the date — alaek and still alas! He went straight home, rushed to his room, and then turned on the gas! the UMPIRE Looks to VHe CSowb lAsj THe BLEACHER^ IT ALL DEPENDS ON THE POINT OF VIEW * 'fou HWE blSGPACEb hr fftMuY by sayikjg hasty TKIMGS ABoOT 'WILLIE' JoWEcS- £EHEKBG£>, HY SoaJ, THE FouwBYTfo/vJ OF Goob BREEblNG IS To SRGAK KlMbLY OF Your MGU 5 HBORS' IT GfclE\JG <5 ME Deeply to thiwk THAT A SOM OF Mime shoulb speak harshly Op \aJ|LUE SMITH, owe op His PLAYMATES- You hate brought SHAME IMTo MY HOUSE Ho Lb SMITH IS MOT FIT TO VMIPE the fMOb Off MY Shoes - HE 5 A THIfM I ME, MURbERous, GREEbY, TRUST-bRNEKJ CROOK J He" VAjOULb "Be bo (MG THE COOMTRY a great f AMOR IP He took a BRobie OFF A Yo -STORY/ BoiLbIMG POLITICS COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS How bo You TVMNFL RERMARC SHAW'S technique compares wvtva that of HA£T€RLUJfc: AMb ToLstoI I (Tie \N AHY of- THoSe RGTAOPAHTS I wlisu I \ WERE bEAb, \ 1 w\§H \ J \nERe bGAD J If I (UP SHes feRG^WOG nv heart ?ooR thing. Poop. TH1NC \ouLL STALL AWAY A wHOLe EUEWIWG IM TLT PARLOR A Mb THlMK YOU Rg GNJ oYlNG IT. AM evJ6MlMG5 At THG THvGATRe l His (s C^MsibGReb A 9l<5 TIME- Yes , \ always take uoiMe with HY H 0\LG 6UT S€£R U MUCH HEALTHIER ■v HAUIM6 A quier Uttlg HEAL. WITH A LAbY FRIENT> AMb USING (\\-L Youp. \NITS To ‘STcER HtT. AwiAH FRom THE EX~ PEMSlUe DISHes. t' X Pleasure — squeeze Your Beam in a hig hat, take the moth balls out op’ <0UR t)RESS SUIT, STRANGLE YoURSeL^ WITH A NUMBER -TVAJELVJE C©l_VAR. AMb Go TO AM ' OPGR.A THAT INTERESTS You AS MUCH As Last Y£ArV -spinach crop I VMOULbNT feeL To sope IF l OMLY \PAb SoMEbobY ALOWG to help ne SWGAR Ci © . HIS HEAblMG ALSO Co/MES UNbER Tie of A Goofc -rtHE AND THIS ALL COMES UNDER THE HEADING OF PLEASURE FlR£ THE D^tor QUICK QUICK QUICK- bofU’T UGT HlfX Klb 'foU- You’re MOT SICK HANbCOFFS, HAMbCUFFS £0 c?rr ecoir boom - A CKE^R AAb A HALF For BRibfe ANb GrRcoRb ( BARC?AtKJS BARGAIMS j TVteY'Re (n-Hewse - \ TAKE oME - Ho/HE / THIRTY CENTS A 600b WAX TO CHEFR Ml? A SICK FR\£Nb>. SUBSTITUTE FOR V^ebblKJ^ B6LI.S, THE college Atmosphere vAjouubNT Be" Bad IK THE NieCKVMEAR. 'DEPARTMENT. m ay Be THIS vooUCb HAUC 5o^e effect on the LAMblAbY. WHY CONFINE THE COLLEGE YELL TO FOOTBALL ALONE? Goo&b^ pet Low cItizgtvj s- nM f ?v^ eLFARe ^ ]LL &C M X ONLY THOUGHT At THe CHICAGO Co/wV£?wt 0 M___^t CONSTITUENTS, You CAM Trust tie vmixh the Ho/moR op our STATE AT TKf CHICAGO CO MViENTlO/J MY motto- IM CHICAGO will Be "t he- People, FIRST LAST AMD THEN SOMfe ' T vMHew i stand oaj THe FLOOR op THE CHICAGO CONVENTION ,THe MPMoRY TouR. Sweet little Pf\ces will inspire MY WORK IAJ THE? , interests op our Vj^°J5LE COM MU MITT 1 T am THANKFUL that TH e GReArwess THAT HAS 5 ELAJ THRUST UPoaJ Me WiLL m °t stunt ky sense op DUTY To Tp^ STATe At pTHre COMVJEKjT(o \l NWHeXi- I PEACH CHICAGO -Ycor in tell i gent vi i evus oaj THe issues op this great CAMPAIGN W(LL bp MY STAR OF CONSTANCY / ^ ^ X To THe iXToT I MY HMOh IS ujortH owe g(\je Me \ Loo « TWO CARDS AwD I' BET ^5“0 WITHOUT Looking T HAWeNT MeLD ANYTHIN? BerreR than A VA(R OF Deuces -Si/uce vJHe eOMUPTOTloM 1 ' OpETUED BoY Ask I THe CLERK ip will cash A CHecky IN CHICAGO IT IS PUTTING IT MILDLY TO SAY DELEGATES ALWAYS HAVE THEIR HANDS FULL ALL THE WORLD’S A MOVING PICTURE SHOW I l llM llikiiiO! To ONE ARTIOM Of Furmiturg polish Abb THRGt T€ASPOOM FULLS Op AXLE (aRtftSG, STIR THOROUGHLY FoR three Days -then TAtce ir OUT FOR A WALK IM THe ?ARR UMT\L IT eeoiws to Ger peevish Ab£> a SC'JTTLP' OF Coal AMb SERVE |*TTLe b©GS JOHW KMOVAJ \WFtAr ToRTuRE AVAJALTS HIM. AT HOME (AFTER A HPRt> DAT S WORK THcRg \S A LIMIT evex> to a H usbamd’s PftTlEKJC.^ - AMb bKaE-STlOA.' REAL F J oob t RCA L Foot), MY K HOG bon PoR R^ll. Foob * DOES YOUR WIFE (JIVE ALL THE NEW RECIPES A TRYOUT, TOO? THSr &ooe BASeBALL BooB -vBrC \xlALL -5T. BooB, ALL THE BOOBS ARE NOT IN THE BOOBY WATCH Tt+eY ksft iaJ Yf-ve SUMM^ - IT ALL DEPENDS WHETHER YOU ARE LIVING IN THE CITY OR IN THE SUMMER Guy That’s Homely as Sin Invariably Gathers in the Tin Lancelot Smith Is Earning About Thirty-Five Bucks A Day And The Handsome Bright Boy Is Selling Garlic And Hay. Clarence Sylvester Napoleon Jones was handsome and clever and wise; at 8 he knew all of the planets and stars that are located up in the skies; at io he could tell you how long it would take to travel from Venus to Mars, and he wouldn’t allow his old father to drink or smoke cigarettes and cigars. KNEW IT ALL At 20 he got about forty degrees from the College of Kalamazoo; there was nothing in Latin or Swedish or Greek that this little lad never knew. He spent several years in figuring out just why alligators can’t sing, and he knew why a herring is deaf, dumb and blind — in fact, there wasn’t a thing that Clarence Sylvester Napoleon Jones didn’t know from beginning to end; he could tell you the size of a bumble-bee’s nose and why a dill pickle won’t bend. THE OTHER FELLOW Lancelot Smith was homely as sin, with a face that would scare away flies; his chin was a yard in front of his nose and his ears were too close to his eyes. He didn’t care whether the Fourth of July came seventeen times in a year, and he didn’t care whether Columbus came over on water or whiskey or beer. He didn’t know why voters go to the polls and he couldn’t add seven and five; he didn’t care when he was going away and he didn’t care when he’d arrive. GETS AWAY WITH IT He hung a right hook on the school teacher’s nose, and he busted his grandfather’s slats; he cut up his father’s pajamas and shirts and he smashed every one of his hats. He soaked his old uncle a crack on the bean and he walloped the cook on the jaw; he busted an egg on the fat grocer’s neck and he chased him out of the store. The people all said he would sure land in jail, he was ignorant, wicked and rough; he’d go to his grave in a hurry ’cause he wasn’t made of the right kind of stuff. Now Clarence Sylvester Napoleon Jones sells onions and garlic and hay; his pay is a dollar and ten cents a week and he works twenty hours a day. THE FINALE And Lancelot Smith makes a thousand a month, as a fighter lie’s known far and near; he calls him- self Tony, the Walloping Wop, and he has an aluminum ear. And so, as we play the roulette wheel of life, we shouldn’t have any regrets, when one fellow loses, the other one wins — we cannot cash all of our bets. LCT /Me LOOK PsT THAT BuMbLe - 1 think you are - TRYING TO ^aJGAK A LOPsb OF €U0>HANTS INTO THIS CoUMtRY T ( L L HAVe To Detain You at Police Headquarters T-He^e’b a - ( Suspicious - LOOKI/0G WAVL l/o XbOR V s Hoe THE LANDING OF THE PILGR-IMS HISTORY IN A MODERN PICTURE FRAME HISTORY IN A MODERN PICTURE FRAME You havgai’t much chawct- but IF YoU STICK IM A FeW RAGTIME Go/OGs HgRe A,Mb THGRe-, fix up A scex/e U31TH A BU/uCH ^ Of VRfeTTX GIRLS, CHOP oUT =i=T ALL THtf GGRfoUS SrurF A/vb Sp RfvwRiTe THe 'AlAL,oGufT / I ( !M GocT, -SNAPPY SLAMG, I J I \ MWSHT IT oueRjF I / J l FGeL IN TH^ Moo A AMA |j Y^HAVR THe TIME ^A-Wb TB£ IS BUSX TALKiajG To AnJotHsR. fooH> uoao T TH(MfS (He T , caw ujRvre \ l a xsj ^/I^WWW-A MY HAMe VOILLIAM ' ' SHAKespEARC - I vo AMT To show Y oU MY Latest traggty caLlea ^hamletY- I THIHK 1 CAM MAKH y GOOD \f You Givis MG / "THe- op?oRTOMlTY" HISTORY IN A MODERN PICTURE FRAME MEN&ELSSOLN, LI^ZT, vvJAGAJER ANk BEtTH OVI6N. THe RAGTIME IONGS- FRe^GMTIMG TPfe POPULAR SeLecTi'OAJsr -TMATT MAbG TTfeTG PAMOU5 bCIMG THIS TO , <2er eTvjoucHA IMOM&T TCOeRTP, p-ofi A HaiCtuta waqajer^ A Cfp?\K[p oAJ THP IVJORIGS GA^NIIUcG PRess TouR sRib^ vlpll Rwsht to Tour sib^ AMh bo a GRIZZLY' Be~A£ RlGPT' bOWN XHre CEMTGR A\SLG T MOJbeLSSnHWS T \Nebbi\j(p March <,mav slAV HISTORY IN A MODERN PICTURE FRAME KT-S LxeALl GeoRGe" Co HAM ’b STUFF I L MOV) ] H IM \WFrTR He US£L To bRIMK HIS CoppeR OUT Of A SFvUCTR / THEY OUGHt'T TO LI U 0vj Up TVM/vJGS UHTFl A FTVAJ RAGTIME s-eLecrioNj-s / - Ar APB voe GOINJG To STlCk 7 A^OKJb Like A BO KJC(H OF <5.vMP«s AMb Ler tfvgta eer away ^\tf it? x UGRRY. To THeIR ^TALL / x FMOUG KJOT Houo OTHER GlAJks ARE GO( MG To TACKLE THIS JoR- BuT As poR NAup uMcie PATRiep; / v Giue Fie a Re/uo Vg \ or .-Ler Me ckoak ! / GexjTLEKeM . - Ler us mot p\b OURsgL\JES amy lomggR- TFte British ministry has Pehbieb GS THE FuMK ANE vaJ<= HrAUG ALL PLopPGb Like A ?Ae k op HeLpLe^s Boobs 1 TAke KAY TIP Boys, \N£’Re 1M bUTCH - MY Goat is Go m-e 1 BEHEAe ME, GGXlTLe/MFW, THeY BAVJe pULLBb a MAkkeb beck, o\j us AMb IT Is MOW/ OORTURM TO kick IM WITH TFtk P5.O06H STUFF ' PATRICK HCMRY’S great plea for. liberty HISTORY IN A MODERN PICTURE FRAME PARboM MF Joseph m. oilcan 1 ^S5 THAts IMY MAMIE 1 Lie Awaye MAC.K 1 HanJE S( KTEEM °p Your, photographs HUMG up IN) LAV RoOfT ' I want co ftAue thf Honor, of putting Your name to owe op our Nowsewse insurance Policies I cant uMbppTTANb fxjgli Sp YOU CAN’T GET SOMETHING FOR NOTHING— NOT EVEN A FEW KIND WORDS «■ 9^1 f B. RAbTM Ttte sreeL MAGiUAre, bies Living v< i bo uj SV~^V 30 , 000,000 ” A'VON. vwibow °R fell* fc. RAb'SH L FARMS THAT busBAMb’s ESTATE isvALUGb AT ? Q. ooo, ooo % 'SJ i i\)E<5. xw eo / sreeL -Stocks / LGTT '&C F&LIY \ B. RAblSR VALUED ( AT T T VNEb. SA Mr EXECUTORS OF Feu* s. RAbisals e STATE eST/YATE, f^rtumg at & -?A> A- 09 . TBURS. VUlbOVO C?F FGLI'kC B. RAtUCH to get latt AUSBAN b’s fbRroAR o#7E.iO tc ^oL£ fcrRTUMe op- -me late feLI* B,£AblsH AMOUNTS "TO $3.00 (M CASA, a StRb CAGE A Mb TWO SOTS' OF UkJbeRTTARA T| FRl 5AT besTITUTe wiibovo XTjiJ of peu* B. RAbim \U TO Be 4b, svetHetu z. st^voBuM, THe MuLTl-MILHOMAlRe" cheese magnate 4 I CAMT L€Mb KIY A MckeL- I’M BROKE, YYOeLF r- DIVIDE EVERYTHING YOU READ BY TEN— AND THEN YOU’RE WRONG Lingo Expert Visits Office We were just struggling around the office in the throes of a delirium of oblivion yesterday afternoon when in walks a bulky gentleman clad in a red sweater, a dinky cap and other articles of wearing apparel that bespeak high-class pugilism. “Ah!” we thought, “here is a messenger from the gods. He will save our unsullied young reputation with a big news item.” We bade him enter, and he lurched right into the middle of his business without any preliminary stalling. Here is what he shot over: “Get me, cull, get me. Don’t take me for a Joe Magee trying to horn in with the soft stuff. I took it on the Arthur Duffy from right field to slip you the jerry on a big number. I’m holding the cards, see! I’m no shilaber. Am I delivered? Don’t get huffy; don’t get huffy. I’ll bet the limit. Just keep your feet close to the pavement. “I’m Tuesday to the pen junk. No, I haven’t been flirting with the bamboo. While I’m not wearing any wings on my benny, still I’m three sheets in the wind and rigged to travel to the last island in the ocean with any Philip who wants to lean against the leather. “I just yegged a couple of coppers on the way up to limber up my lunch hooks. “Say, Monk, pipe my alcove. Get hep, get hep! Don’t glim me for a Romeo. Make my Webster! Take a Brodie and ease me a rumble. I’m the guy that put the alkali in the desert. Cheese! Cheese! Nix on the Eden Musee stuff. Give me a Dr. Cook and flash the type. I’m hunk on Johnson. “Pipe while I Weston myself to the nearest duck soup cave. Bloughie!” When we awoke our pugilistic friend had went. Just act as Y ou wouLb Your. cvajkj Home TAKg A x><5TE>u SLICES OP ERQXb T£\ A/vJ ARMFUL or these fish CAKES - VOE- HavJS them Four, -times A \M£EK M°vJ, LEM, boHT Be EASHBUL ~ thereto more SOUP OUT IM "THrE VCICTHrEK) HELLO, Lem - You must COME UP TO MT House THIS e\J£X)IM<5 (AfOb <3rer A REAL HOME SIHWER MOTH- 1 MG PfAWCT BUT E\J ERYt H ( m G Cool AMtb Ss, ^__ MOORISH UOCJ j THE APPLES j IM this pie l Colt ME \o 4 Kayieee- but T-aS WOTWM6 H \ TOO QOOb /H Y \ Lor oufc. ' * TGUESTs 'A3 HETU Yo U Pi WISH T HAT Cop, LEYA , HAUE A PEW MoRE -y 1 bUY MX COItFE^/Y UOpoUESALE //Y A Pair op EGG 3 mmVTH THE DooRs OpETU T WlHILE THE WIFE IS VUASHlNJG THE blS HE 5 vWe'LL I VAUE A LITTLE SMoPe - HERE, LEM, PUTTUOEKITY' x _ OR tphrty t Your ' t’yt pocvccr HOSPITALITY IS A BEAUTIFUL THING, IF YOU ONLY TREAT IT KINDLY owe LC-ST squint TAPGMG TH£ FUfc-TlNG PLGbGe Thg K\evN Ye?\R. s efcex/A&e. “OFF THE STUFF” OR “PARTING IS SUCH SWEET SORROW” IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT NOTHING, GO TO THE DEPOT The Philanthropist — A Play By J. Phillip Onion CAST OF CHARACTERS John T. Soupladle, clubman. Samuel Cheesecloth. Joel Rosewood. Shoemaker. Florist. Perfumer. Piano Tuner. Gas Man. Tompkins, Soupladle’s valet. Scene: Library of Soupladle’s apartment. Soupladle is discovered lying on the floor reading the telephone directory. Soupladle {to an empty chair) : After all, there’s no companion like a good book. {Knock on door.) Come in. {Enter Cheesecloth , tailor) Cheesecloth: I have come to collect $76.55 for the fancy vest I made you in the fall of 1892. {S. rings bell. Enter Tompkins.) Soupladle: Tompkins, throw this gentleman down the dumb-waiter. {Exit Tompkins and Cheesecloth struggling.) Soupladle {to wall paper): As I was saying, liter- ature is to life what smothered onions are to a steak. {Knock on door.) Come in. {Enter Joel Rosewood. furniture dealer.) Rosewood: Either pay me my $824.97 or give me back my dining-room set. {S. presses button. Enter Tompkins.) Dumb-waiter. Clothes Chute. Floor. Ceiling. Walls. Carpet. Telephone Directory. Tradesmen. Soupladle: Tompkins, push this gentleman into the clothes chute. {Exit Tompkins and Rosewood battling.) Soupladle {to cuspidor) : Shakespeare was the Wolgast of his day. {Violent noise outside. Door bursts open. Enter shoemaker , florist , piano tuner , gas man , butcher and twenty other tradesmen.) Tradesmen {in chorus) : We want our money! {S. presses button. Enter Tompkins.) Soupladle: Tompkins, give these gentlemen the Degree of the Loose Plank. {Tompkins pulls lever on wall , floor opens and* trades- men disappear.) Soupladle: Tompkins, bring me my hat, coat, gloves and cane. I will be late for my lecture on “The Uplift of the Working Classes” before the Society for the Emancipation of Labor. Curtain — MRS. SAP-blWEs pecipes. prune ©Me L et take one YouN<5 PRUNE ANb SLAP it IN tPe PACE WITH A blLL PICKLG- talk to it for. ten min- UTE5, Abb AN ARMFUL OF KlNbLING \NOOb ANb SOAR IN CHLoroFoRM - SWEETEYl WITH HoRSE - RAblSH ANb SERVE WITH A SiCYCke PUMP. MME. LA MOLE’S fcEAUTY hints fill a coal scuttle with white- wash ANb COMPLETELY SUBMERGE THE FACE- REMAIN THIS WAY TWO HOURS ANb YoU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO Reco&NIZE TouR SELF. Home TtEMebies ALWl AY S Keep an f\xs i .'Vi the House in 5 cAsg op SICKNESS - SEVERAL SHARP TAPS ON Top OR THE HEAb WILL REMOVE ALL SYMPTOM S- IT is ALWAYS wise to .LIVE IN) A NEKSHBoRHOOb CONVENIENT TO AN) UNbERTAKlNG PARLoR. Ihe cuspiboR \r\pcv boN’T FORGET TO REMoUE ALL ClEAReTTE ANb Cl GAP- BUTTS BEFORE PUTTING ON THE RAT- The bAiLY exercise. bRAG YoURCELF OUT OF THE RAY AT (o A< M<, WALK INTO THE PARLOR ANb MPT THE PIANO GEfNTLY FROM THE FLOOR - HoLb THE PIANO IN THE PALM op T He RIGHT RrANb ALL (HORNING WHILE ATTEFJblNG TO Y°UR MOUSEHOLE bUTlSs - THIS STRENGTHENS THE - KNEES AWb euioiws - IF You PKAVE NO PfANO, AN AUTOMOBILE WILL bo. THE AUTOMATIC NUR$£ GIRL takes excellent care °f tre bABY WHILE TMro FOLKS ARE OUT ATTENblNG A bOG FIGHT A o > , MyY/ \ ■ARK TONIGHT TONIGHT it will surely b £ £V\RK. tonight. GIRLS, DON’T OVERLOOK THE LADIES’ PAGE X Mo?e shell ?LEAS gt> NWVTH THE KIMIWG STodR 1 BOUGHT fOR h€R- YoU t>0 "THE ROMEO ACT PEFoRe 'COU KMOVJO The WFGREXjee BeYNMEETvl A^\TRKtT(C AWb EEM A FIEHBER OF THE Co/vS ' GoUbAtFb CHEESE C.O. , t^ eh AR\ I/LTT/S/NCt _ J ACT LITE A CHEESE, /EEL LIKE A CHEESE % Looh like a cheese ? HI?. CRAT2>FLAKE\s work is complete- he is Thoroughly cheescY . MR. John A- Leather— face THE VQXNiy magnate, started His CAREER inJ THE AoAH "EE? ART HEAT Of (\ BR&\nEPY- HE I s A self-MAbe HAN & Looks IT — Er\K VIP HE SPENbS rOUK boLLARS A YEAR IN AbNERTSINS ANb I s PRoob OF IT“ ftR. LEATHER FACE IS ALSo A great PHILANTHROPIST- 'S RECEMT-LX L'AVE A ANTE & FORK To THE CITY FbR TH£ FoUNbATloN OF An MUKMCIPAC- RESTAURANT \NOHEM ARE FAST coking great factors IN THE AbVERTlSING GAME - Hl§S THERESA FEE OCCUPIES A POSITION OF HoNoR. % RESPONSIBILITY (\ LARGE t>EllCATESSeN 5TORE mark^g PRICES ©M f^WKfORTtE&S - IS A CHARMING Young tjokan amis SOFPoRTS THf^e^ £X-HbSBANbS ANlb A CAT. ■fpNJ. Jol-YN A LEATHER. FACE • Flkt^i r\vS5 -yHeRESA EGG / pRofGSScR SQUIMT ERIC SQUINT Z.X., PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS IN 'THE QNIVJER-SITY op bULUTH, SPEAKING 'OF THE PHILosopHX OF Ab - V/CRTFlSiNG, SAYS, cc /7 'oik CAN You sell A/Y ATt/cle unless You LET PEOPLE kajoiaj Y ou ia/AAJT to SHLL/T?” VTTooK TPfe PROFESS OK Years to figure this OUT A K)b> ALL MERCHANTS SPOULb PROFIT &Y IT-THrE Profsssor IS iNbEEb A BRILLIANT SCHOLAR-.- ADVERTISING TALKS — WITH APOLOGIES TO THE ADVERTISING MANAGER Gocb MGHT, Joe- l’\je Got JUST IS" ttj My pocfcer- i’ll <3£T A SHAME fMob |-tA\Je E7UOUGH LepTToxAte itJ (\ Goob -SHoW Yj 2>' tit OUR osrR\e.H G<5G SHfAMPoo RGMovies THE" bUST from, 5RAIM -THIS (SERA-DeSTRoKfNG "TORCH LIGHTS UH Your LAIAps A^vsb BuRMS Aw AY 'Y’UR -TRoo%Les y [r it \s a pLSTVSuRe To sa/ORK OW A, PACE LlKt Yours Y u < 3 ,- 15 - PUf^SE -V ■j.r. “TVUs ©jectrhl \ / KAv-sSAGe UJlLL MArfcffT*/ yoo'FesL Hice- (AMbREUJ CARHGGie c: l CHAMGGb MY MlMb APOUT TAKING v ( M A SHOW YOU HAVE TO OO SOME TO BEAT THE BARBER TO A PIECE OF LOOSE CHANGE # r [ K/ovAi (SfcekT pleasure IM PRESORTING THAT STALWART ciTizeu, JUbET AT. Banana, our CanC/BATe For. chief of TLfe BUREAU op ASH CAN5 oh, GENERAL-, IT MUST Be LoxjleLX: To G.er -shot TH&Y SAY He- vn^As pmjcat&T AT SIMG Si MG THe oMLY &€>JCH THIS uubGE EUGR -SeRMTb OM MS LoCAtETs IM THE PARR. IP THIS QeTOGRAL’ spvN A BULLer, Heb-TTHlNk IT l/VAS A I? ILL As Mb SWALLOW IT . M GLAb To SET Tou'Re Breathiwg F^uch heavier tonight, CHleA Cam I Help HcO \ To so pie BfRbseEb, CHieF ? I .7 7 A MftlO WITH A TITLE ALwyVC-S FAAlCeS A boob 6uSr OF Hokio^ AT CM SAMPug - , AbMIRAL LUCIEN s\AJ|\ieL, WHO ASSUMeb His TITLE geCAOST HIS G RSAT—G Paw b - ' PPTHeP oNce GOT A ftAlP op oars for a bitthtay presewt. CoLokjeL SMITH Co longL smith Colonel smith CoLoMEL smith CoLo/vTL smith Tt WoRb "colonel” OMLY SlGMlFleS H mam with a Pum/vj y hat IT’S HARD TO FIND A MAN WITHOUT A TITLE T NN6LL, ILL Soom Wvoe THe wee things i\ie Bern WISHING, for- THE £oYs ME.VER VT?T ,R E AR °uwb Christmas - YL£ X THIMS ' Ko«T MEEb IS A ©RAe-ELET DEAR 5 UZETT 6 '. IT TooR. HE THREE Momths to select the little bracelet r a h ^eNblMG 'Y°L FbR CHRISTMAS- FONbLY OTTo bGAR -SUZEXTE : 1 VAJAMTSb TO (T- hsrkmI lb LIKE to EXCHANJSe 0,000 worth or bracelets for a shOReb HeRR-l MG SAY, GIRLS, ISNT IT EXASPERATING! The White Hope His face was drawn and haggard, The spark had left his eye, He drained his glass and cleared his throat And heaved a heavy sigh. As he began his story A hush fell on the throng, The notes that came from his dry throat Were like a funeral song. “No. I don’t want your pity,” He said in plaintive tones, “Although I am a wretched thing A bunch of skin and bones. My story’s short and funny; You’ll laugh, perhaps, my friends — It matters not the price I’ve paid, I cannot make amends. “’Twas out in Dead Man’s Prairie, Where the air is free and clean; My wife and I we owned a shack The finest ever seen. We branded all our cattle, And they were good ones, too — She cooked and washed and watched for me When my hard day’s work was through. “We lived just like two children In our kingdom in the sands; No joy like ours was ever felt When the preacher joined our hands. I weighed two-fifty, solid — Don’t think I’m bragging, gents — Although the wreck before you now Is not worth thirty cents. “I stood six foot in my stockings, I never touched a drop; When I had once made up my mind No man could make me stop. One day appeared a stranger He ate our frugal fare; Although the diamonds on his hands Would make a mummy stare. “He said he was an expert In things of strength and brawn; He charmed us with his wondrous tales Till the birds announced the dawn. He told me I was fated To be a fighting man; I had the weight, the height, the reach And a healthy coat of tan. “He said I’d make a million If I entered the boxing game — In a year or two I’d be a champ With a great and glorious name. I’d win Jack Johnson’s title, A real White Hope was I; I shook his hand, then packed my grip And kissed my wife good-bye. “He took me to the city And billed me far and nigh; I punched the bag and ran for miles, Just like a fighting guy. The papers ran my pictures; Reporters dogged my tracks; I saw my wealth piled to the sky In bulging silk-lined sacks. “He matched me with a dead one, They said he was a lime; The fatal night at last arrived — What happened was a crime. Before I got my bearings, He hit me on the chin; He smashed my nose and bent my ribs And pushed my stomach in. “I woke up two days later, My body writhed in pain; I sought my clever manager; My searching was in vain. I wrote my wife a letter. No answer came for me; I heard a sailor won her heart And took her out to sea.” When his sad tale was finished, He pressed his aching head; He spied a sandwich on the bar And he fell over dead. SHALL I CALL Of A SURGGom AMU TELL HIM To AMPUTATE A UJplTecHlP FRoM Your STACK 1 To TlHT fSLLov^ THAT ALWAYS foRGTs TO ANTE WHAT 5 THr Use ? i havextt TAE ANT LUCK S/WCE HT wipe ELOPGb WITH A SAILOR - EoY, BTimg another Hecr or caRHs/ Tt-te PeLlouo that SACRIFICES TE7H \G\Rs OF His life EVJERT time He FAILS To PILL A FLUSH YJHEN I Taw his ^TjOo-u An A Pa! s gt H(K $so ; ooo He TICKE5 HIKSELF tM the chinj ARE The fellow that tells arout big Games tKJ WHICH HE SAT IM THE EARLY SE\jEXiTlE ACROBAT , You MAY foSsiBi-Y GeT THPRoUcSH CMS OR THOSE MOCigRrJ RG\JOL\JlM. Mg^m b( sera get To THe navi ex of our forefathers A kiB DESTRUCTION To ENTERPRISE AND! justness (ktegpit BeFoRg EMERY EkECTToM THIS 02 0 W £ -TOSSER. MAKE: FKJougr TERRIBLE - PREDRTOM'S to SCARE THE VA/HlSKERs OFF A MANX FACE - ANb THUS A\($~ 5 ROOXGR PAINTS A VNoRb PICTURE AwFUL ENoUsFl to MARE A VOTER AFfA\B To Be along with HiKseLf _ ANB this CH\n - rAusiciAH frightens THeosprAbs OF Boobs INTO THE UMhcRTAKING PARLOR - ANb THIS WUNB - J AKHHER. Gives Hl*S Listeners the JIM-UAMS ANbs TF\E WILLIES - Bot still, after IT>CK G LECTION, We A Re ABLE To SMILE ANb TAME OUR. TROUSGR s FReeseb ANb EFT REGULAR Foob ARB CARRY A' GiOLB WATCH ANb Look AT BUILDINGS ANb GET SHAVED - So VN hat's THE biFFERewce » THE POLITICAL SCARECROWS -