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THE 
 
 PERILS 
 
 INCLUDING 
 
 A TASTE OF THE 
 
 DANGERS OF WALL STREET, 
 
 t 
 
 BY A LATE MERCHANT. 
 
 “ A fellow who hath had losses.” — Shahspearf,, 
 
 PUBLISHED BY BETTS & ANSTICE, AND PETER HILL, 
 
 1834. 
 
Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1834, in the 
 Office of the Clerk of the District Court of the United States for the 
 Southern District of New-York. 
 
 BLISS & WATSON, Printers, 135 Water-st. • 
 
PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 » 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Containing a slight survey of the ground . 
 
 Of all the various professions, occupations, or eixo 
 ployments of life, none perhaps afford greater vicissi- 
 tudes than that of the merchant. None exhibit greater 
 changes of fortune; none lead through more trials 
 and difficulties ; none expose their votaries to severer 
 hazards of shipwreck, both in money and reputation. 
 To-day they are floating with gentle gales on the tide 
 of prosperity; to-morrow they are driven by fierce 
 winds on the rocks of adversity. To-day all is sun- 
 shine and hope ; to-morrow all is clouds and despon- 
 dency. 
 
 The wheel of fortune is constantly moving ; some are 
 
 making, and some are breaking. The merchant knows 
 
 little to-day of what he shall be on the morrow; and his 
 
 drafts on futurity, in spite of present appearances, are 
 
 very likely to be dishonored. Whatever indebtedness 
 2 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 \ 
 
 \ 
 
 G 
 
 the present may acknowledge, the future will coldly say, 
 I owe him nothing. 
 
 It would astonish those who are not in the secrets of 
 trade, to know what troubles, what embarrassments those 
 suffer who are fairly in for it. Those, who are out of 
 the melee, look upon those who are in, and envy their 
 condition. They see them busy running to and fro : 
 buying and selling goods and merchandize ; handling 
 notes and bills of exchange ; and counting and fingering 
 cash. 
 
 They fancy that all is fair within, as it seems without. 
 They have no conception of the daily miseries of trade. 
 They have no idea of the vexatious shifts the merchant 
 is driven to. Thejr have never been used to the exercise 
 of shinning ; they have never been compelled to fly the 
 kite ; they have never been forced to beat the drum ; 
 they have never had occasion for the services of Peter 
 Funk. 
 
 Ah ! sigh these lookers on, as they behold the mer- 
 chant up to the eyes in business, hoAv rich this man 
 must be growing ! He sells a world of goods — he em- 
 ploys a store full of clerks — he piles the boxes mountain 
 high before his door — he takes a prodigious heap of pa- 
 per — he has oceans of business in the bank — he is con- 
 tinually handling the cash — he must certainly be making 
 money like dust. 
 
 Alas ! what a mistake ! The poor man, who sighs 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 7 
 
 at what seems to him the happy fortune of the merchant, 
 does not know that the world of goods are not all paid 
 for ; that the store full of clerks are not all profitably em- 
 ployed ; that the mountain piles of boxes are not always 
 filled with merchandize ; that the prodigious heap of pa- 
 per is not always signed by responsible men ; that the 
 oceans of business in the bank, is no better than so much 
 borrowing and paying ; and that a man may be continu- 
 ally handling the cash, without a sixpence ever sticking 
 to his fingers. 
 
 Of those who engage in mercantile pursuits, it is esti- 
 mated, that not more than three in every hundred retire 
 with absolute wealth ; while nine out of every ten be- 
 come bankrupt. Some of these fail once, some twice, 
 some thrice, and even more. Like adventurers in love, 
 or in a lottery, one failure does not discourage them. 
 They try again, and again — hoping that, though fortune 
 may frown upon them unkindly to-day, she will smile 
 propitiously to-morrow. 
 
 The causes of the numerous failures in mercantile 
 pursuits, may be chiefly classed under three heads; 
 first, unavoidable losses ; second, imprudent manage- 
 ment ; third, extravagant expenditures. Of these causes 
 the second class is perhaps the most common; though 
 the third is by far too frequent and too fatal. The 
 young merchant is no sooner started in business, than 
 he fancies himself making money ; and, relying on this 
 
8 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 fancy, he is apt to launch into a sea of extravagance, 
 which would swallow up a much larger income than 
 his ; and the inevitable consequence is, that he is soon 
 involved in ruin. 
 
 Having myself for several years been engaged in 
 mercantile pursuits; having passed through various 
 changes of fortune during those years ; having felt 
 much and seen more of the miseries and vexations of 
 trade ; having witnessed many rare and curious scenes, 
 connected in one way or other with my own pursuits ; 
 having come in contact with some very remarkable 
 characters in the way of business ; in a word, being 
 pretty well experienced in the vicissitudes of trade, and 
 pretty well versed in the affairs of Pearl street for the 
 last ten, or a dozen years — and having, also, some 
 knowledge of matters and things in Wall street; I pro- 
 pose, in the following pages, to give a sketch of my own 
 personal history during those years ; together with such 
 other notices of men and things — such anecdotes, and 
 such reflections, as are naturally connected with, 01 
 suggested by, my own history. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET, 
 
 9 
 
 CHAPTER It 
 
 Which gallops rapidly over a period of twenty-one years. 
 
 I was born in the smart bustling little village of 
 Spreadaway, in the interior of the state of New-York. 
 My father was a carpenter by trade, and nearly every 
 building in the town had been reared by his hands. My 
 mother was a milliner ; and if the person of any village 
 belie was set off to advantage, or produced a killing effect 
 on the beaux, it was in a great measure owing to her 
 skill in moulding and fashioning them to the best 
 advantage. Thus while my father beheld, with lauda- 
 ble pride, the edifices springing up at the touch of his 
 hand ; my mother was no less gratified in knowing that 
 the beauties, who adorned those edifices, were formed 
 and fashioned by her skill. 
 
 From this account of my parents it will be seen, that 
 they were persons of no little importance in the village 
 of Spreadaway. There were a few persons indeed, who 
 held themselves to be somewhat above them. Such, for 
 instance, were the families of the two parsons, the three 
 lawyers, the four doctors, and half a dozen merchants, 
 2 * 
 
IQ THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 But neither my father nor my mother were willing to 
 acknowledge this superiority. They considered their 
 claims to gentility to be quite equal to those of any of 
 their neighbors ; and in fact these claims were so far al- 
 lowed, that my parents never failed to he invited by the 
 first families to all their wedding parties, and to such 
 other gatherings as threw the doors pretty wide open to 
 all sorts of honest and decent kind of people. 
 
 With this distinction my parents were fain to he con- 
 tent. But for my part, though I ever considered the me- 
 chanic arts, as conferring equal dignity to any profession 
 whatever, I could not help seeing that those who followed 
 them could never obtain a cordial admission into what 
 was accounted good society ; and I resolved not to he a 
 mechanic. Farming seemed to me objectionable on the 
 same' ground. Besides, in both these employments there 
 was quite too much hard labor to suit my taste; for, I 
 know not how it was, but I had become early convinced 
 that hard work was not easy. 
 
 I cdrripared these laborious occupations with the pur- 
 suit of the merchant. I took notice of the difference be- 
 tween' pushing the fore-plane or holding the plough, and 
 merely standing behind the counter to measure tape, 
 weigh tea, and wait upon the ladies. I saw that the 
 clerks and shop-boys had comparatively an easy time of 
 it ; and I fairty envied the dignity with which they 
 moved about with a goose-quill behind their ear. Then 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 11 
 
 they were in the highway to good society ; which the 
 poor mechanic or honest plough-jogger, let him work as 
 hard as he might, could never fully attain. 
 
 Considering all these things, I resolved to be a mer- 
 chant; and, at the age of fifteen, I obtained leave of 
 my father to stand behind the counter of Squire Daw- 
 son, the greatest shop-keeper in all the village of Spread- 
 away. 
 
 “ Billy will make a marchant,” said my father— “ he 
 has the right cut-out for it. He’ll go to work by the 
 square rule. Nay, for that matter, he can work by the 
 rule of three — and thereby he’ll thribble his money. He’s 
 very neat at figures as the school-master informs me.” 
 
 “ And then he’s nice at a bargain,” said my mother — 
 “ I’ve seen him trade with the neighbor’s boys, and I do 
 assure you he’s very sharp. It was no longer ago than 
 last week, he swapped offa pair of skates for a jack-knife, 
 and got a shilling to boot. Oh, he’ll take care of him- 
 self, Billy will- — no fear of him.” 
 
 Such were the fond observations of my parents ; and 
 in truth, so far as the arithmetic was concerned, I was 
 no bad proficient. I had gone through Erastus Root, 
 and Jonathan Grout, and Nathan Daboll, from begin- 
 ning to end. I was particularly conversant with deci- 
 mal fractions, the rule of three, single and double fellow- 
 ship, loss and gain; and indeed with all those rules 
 which are necessary to men of business. Then I was 
 
12 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 not ignorant of other useful branches of learning. I 
 could spell accurately, read tolerably, and write a fair 
 hand. And, what was more, I could write passable 
 grammar — which many a merchant, I am sorry to say, 
 cannot. Such was my school learning ; but as to my 
 acuteness in the way of trade, I am at present sadly sus- 
 picious my kind mother overrated my abilities. She 
 certainly did so, if my talents in that way are to be 
 measured by my subsequent success in pursuit of for- 
 tune. 
 
 I continued with Squire DaAVSon till I was twenty- 
 one. I had been six years engaged in selling goods of 
 all sorts, and in keeping books— which I had learned to 
 do in a very fair, neat, accurate, and workmanlike man- 
 ner. I had served out my time, and I considered myself 
 perfectly competent to take charge of a mercantile con- 
 cern, either as clerk or principal. But I deemed a 
 country village, though smart and bustling as that of 
 Spreadaway, no place for me. I resolved on coming to 
 New- York. 
 
 To be sure I had no capital, and no ready means of 
 obtaining any. But I said to myself, I’ll clerk it awhile. 
 My capacity for business and my integrity of character 
 will no doubt secure me good wages. I’ll lay up my 
 money, and shortly accumulate a capital, sufficient to 
 commence business upon. 
 
 My parents were loath to have me so far from them ; 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 13 
 
 but they approved my spirit of enterprise, furnished me 
 with fifty dollars of money, and declared they had no 
 doubt but I should be a rich merchant, in time. I pro- 
 cured recommendations, both of character and capacity, 
 from Squire Dawson, as likewise from the minister of our 
 church, the doctor of our family, and the lawyer, with 
 whom we had most intercourse. Thus provided, I badq 
 good-bye to my friends ; kissed Mary Dawson, with a 
 bumping heart ; and set out to seek my fortune in the 
 city of New-York, 
 
14 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Wherein are set forth the miseries of a country youth , seeking 
 employment in a strange city. 
 
 As I approaehed the city in the steamboat, and sur- 
 veyed the tall spires and crowded chimneys of the Com- 
 mercial Emporium, my heart beat high, and the most 
 lively hopes danced merrily in my imagination. I 
 beheld myself, in prospect, a rich man, with a fine house, 
 a store full of merchandize, money in the bank, servants 
 in livery, a coach and four, together with all the 
 
 “ Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious wealth 
 
 But, alas ! it is much easier to lay plans for the ad- 
 vancement of fortune, than to bring them to a successful 
 issue. I soon found myself in the city of New- Y ork ; 
 but I was alone in the midst of a hundred and fifty thou- 
 sand people — that is to say, I knew nobody, and nobody 
 seemed to care in the least about knowing me. To get 
 employment, where so many are seeking it, is no easy 
 matter; and to contend successfully against candidates, 
 perhaps as well qualified as myself, and certainly pos- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 15 
 
 sessing some advantages over me in the flexibility of 
 their manners, or the possession of city acquaintance, 
 I soon found was not a thing of very rational expecta- 
 tion. 
 
 I nevertheless began to exert myself most vigorously 
 in search of a place. My design was, if possible, to get 
 into a wholesale store — both because I expected larger 
 wages, and because I considered it a more dignified 
 birth than a place in a mere retail establishment. Full 
 of these ideas, I made directly for Pearl street, and in- 
 quired, at the first store I came to, if they were in want 
 of a clerk ? 
 
 “No,” said a long-faced man, standing at the door-r- 
 “ I have more clerks now than business. I hav’nt sold a 
 single piede of goods to-day; and unless business im 
 proves between this and to-morrow, I shall dismiss two 
 of the clerks I now have.” 
 
 Little chance for me here ! thought I, and so I moved 
 on to the next store. 
 
 “ Do you want a clerk here?” bowing to a fat man at 
 the desk. 
 
 “No; I have three as good fellows as ever drummed 
 a customer, footed a bill, or made a dear piece of goods 
 appear a cheap one. And three clerks are as many as I 
 can afford to keep at present.” 
 
 I marched on-— “ Do you want a clerk?” 
 
 “ No.” 
 
16 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 I marched again — “ Do you want a clerk here?” 
 
 “ No, sir — but they want one at the next door.” 
 
 My hopes now began to brighten. I proceeded to the 
 next door, and seeing a little old crabbed-looking gentle- 
 man, whom I took to be the principal man of the con- 
 cern, I told him I understood he was in want of a clerk. 
 
 “ A dark ! ” said he, “ who told you that lie?” 
 
 “ I don’t know whether it’s a lie, or not,” said I, “but 
 I got the information at the next door.” 
 
 “ Well, sir, you go back and tell the fools at the next 
 door to mind their own business, and not meddle with 
 mine.” 
 
 I saw that I had been imposed upon, but I did not 
 intend to take any notice of it to the witless wags, who 
 had thus taken the liberty of sporting with a stranger : 
 but, on coming out of the store, I saw the fellow who had 
 given me the false information, had been peeping in at 
 the old gentleman’s door to see the result. This raised 
 my dander , as they used to say in the country; and as 
 the rascal turned to retreat with a horse-laugh, I kicked 
 him into the gutter, and a general shout was now Taised 
 at his expense. 
 
 “Well done! young man,” said the little crabbed- 
 looking old gentleman — “ if I had’nt more darks than I 
 can afford already, I’d employ you for that very thing. 
 I’m glad you kicked the rascal.” 
 
 For my own part, without deigning to trouble myself 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 17 
 
 farther with the man in the gutter, I walked on in search 
 of a place. But I walked in vain. It was all, “ No” — 
 
 " No”-— to my anxious inquiries. But resolving not to 
 be discouraged, I continued on, through all the crooks 
 and turns of Pearl street ; and began to think my fortune 
 as crooked as the street itself. 
 
 From this street I passed into others. I tried Broad- 
 way, Maiden Lane, Water, Front and South streets. I 
 wished, as I said before, to get into a wholesale employ- 
 ment. I preferred one in the dry goods line. But I 
 was equally well prepared for hardware or groceries ; 
 and was ready to turn my hand to any thing that was 
 honest, in the way of selling goods, figuring accounts, or 
 fingering cash. Nor was I so particular about whole- 
 sale business, but that I would upon a pinch accept of a 
 place in a retail establishment. 
 
 But my tramping up and down the city, was of little 
 use, except to blister my feet, and wear out my shoes. 
 A countryman, like a Jersey horse, soon gets weary and 
 lame with walking on the pavements ; and the condition 
 of my feet and ancles reminded me of a poor limping 
 steed, who is so foot-sore, that he can scarcely get over 
 the ground. I was also reminded of the anecdote of a 
 Dutchman in this city, who, being a little the worse for 
 liquor, struck his foot against the curb-stone, and fell 
 upon the side-walk. As he gathered himself up, he 
 
 3 
 
18 THE PERILS OF FEARL STREET. 
 
 exclaimed — “ Mein Gott ! dish tam shtony wilternish 
 is enuff to preak a man’s pones.” 
 
 From inquiring at the stores themselves, I next ap- 
 plied at the intelligence offices. I paid my money, and 
 like all others — as I have since learned — I found myself 
 hoaxed. Perhaps never were greater cheats than these 
 establishments. Strangers, from the country, are con- 
 stantly imposed upon ; and strangers only, for citizens 
 are too well acquainted with these misnamed intelli- 
 gence offices, to allow themselves to be deceived. 
 
 In addition to my other exertions for a place, I daily 
 consulted the newspapers. But as often as I found a 
 situation advertised, I found myself too late in applying : 
 that the place was already engaged : or that there were 
 one or two hundred applicants for the vacancy. 
 
 Not succeeding in gettinga place by the advertisements 
 of others, I next advertised myself — directing inquirers 
 to call on the printer ; or saying, that a line addressed 
 to X. Y, Z ., and left in the post-office, would receive 
 immediate attention. But these proved unavailing — 
 not being noticed at all. 
 
 However, after advertising in sundry papers, and 
 changing my initials to A. B. C., and afterwards to 
 O. P. Q,„ I got an answer, expressed in the following 
 terms : 
 
 “ Mr. O. P. Cl. — Sir — 
 
 I notis your Advertisment in to-days paper — am in 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 19 
 
 want of a clarke — and if You will cawl at 4 o’clock 
 Shall be at lezzure to taulk with you. 
 
 SAML. THUMGUDGEON. 
 No Pearl-street.” 
 
 Punctual to the hour I went, and announced myself 
 as the Mr. O. P. Q.., whose advertisement the gentleman 
 had been so good as to notice. 
 
 “ But your real name, sir, if I may presume — ” 
 
 “ Certainly, sir — my name is William Hazard.” 
 “Hazard? — Hazard? — rather hazard- ous name that. 
 However, young man, nothing venter, nothing have, as 
 the saying is. But to proceed to business — I’m in want 
 of a dark, and you’re in want of a dark -skip. Now tell 
 me in two words, do you understand drumming?” 
 
 “ No, sir — I have very little taste for martial music of 
 any kind ; and the drum would be the last instrument I 
 should think of playing on.” 
 
 “ Martial music ! playing the drum ! — what the 
 d — l’s the fellow dreaming of? — I see at once, sir, you 
 won’t answer my purpose ” 
 
 “ I have brought the best of recommendations, which 
 I will show you.” As I said this, I took out the certi- 
 ficates of Squire Dawson, the parson, the doctor, and the 
 lawyer, which I was about handing over to the merchant. 
 But he put them aside with contempt, declaring that 
 there was no use in examining the papers, since I 
 had confessed with my own mouth, that I was ignorant 
 of the art of drumming. 
 
20 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 “ X beg your pardon, sir,’’ said I — “ but what has 
 drumming to do with the business of a clerkship?” 
 
 “■Much — much, sir. I would not give a tape’s end: 
 for a dark, that does’nt understand all about drumming. 
 But there’s no use in talking to a man who do’nt know 
 the first rudiments, as a body may say, of the mercantile 
 life. — Good bye, Mr. Hazard. 
 
 “ Good bye, sir.” 
 
 From a note, indited and spelt like the above, I ought 
 not to have conceived any very flattering hopes. But I 
 was in want of employment, and therefore not in a con- 
 dition to be too fastidious about the scholarship of my 
 employer. ‘ Beggars must’nt choose,’ I thought to my- 
 self; besides, though this man can’t spell, he may be a 
 merchant of some consequence, and pay his clerks libe- 
 rally and promptly. 
 
 But I had missed of a place because I could not drum. 
 ‘Oh, all ye gods at once!’ thought I, what has a mer- 
 chant’s clerk to do with drumming? True I expect to 
 make some noise in the world ; but it must not be by 
 beating a piece of sheep-skin. 
 
 I had now got fairly discouraged with advertising ; 
 I had been in the city for some weeks ; my fifty dollars 
 were nearly spent ; and I resolved, with a heavy heart, 
 on returning forthwith to the village of Spreadway. 
 
 My heaviness, however, was in some measure light- 
 ened by remembering Mary Dawson. Sweet Mary ! I 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 21 
 
 had seen nothing like her in the whole Commercial 
 Emporium. But to fail in my projects — to return to 
 my native village — to acknowledge before the inquisitive 
 people of Spreadaway, that the enterprising Mr. Hazard, 
 the rich merchant that was going to be, could’nt compass 
 even a clerkship — it was too bad — it was a mortification 
 I could not well endure. But there was no help for it. 
 Return I must — or beg — or starve. I packed up my 
 clothes, engaged a berth on board the steamboat, and ■ 
 but I refer the reader to the next chapter. 
 
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THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 23 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Containing a peep at a fashionable shopping establishment. 
 
 i 
 
 As I was on my way to the boat, thinking of nothing 
 less than spending another day in New- York, I chanced,, 
 by the merest accident in the world, to stumble upon an 
 old acquaintance of my father. He knew me — or rather 
 suspected me — for he had never seen me before— -from 
 the striking resemblance I bore to the old gentleman. 
 
 “ Is not your name Hazard ?” said lie. 
 
 “ Yes, sir.” 
 
 “ A son of Jonas Hazard, of Spreadaway ?” 
 
 “ Yes, sir — but the boat is ringingthe last bell, and I 
 shall be too late.” 
 
 “ That may be too. But what need is there of your 
 going to-day.” 
 
 “ I have been spending several weeks in the city, 
 trying to get a place. I am out of employment, out of 
 hopes, and nearly out of cash.” 
 
24 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 “ Never mind. I’ll put you in a way of getting all 
 three. Come, go home with me. My name is Jones — your 
 father will recollect David Jones. We were journey- 
 men carpenters together. But why did he not send you 
 to me in the first place ?” 
 
 “ He did not know of you being here, I suppose. I 
 have often heard him speak of you ; of his working on 
 the same building, &c. ; but it was always with refer- 
 ence to some other place than New- York.” 
 
 “ Ah, there it is now. I have been very forgetful 
 about writing, and your father I dare say is always at 
 home and at work ; and so was not aware of my being 
 here. I’m sorry I did’nt light of you sooner. I have 
 some acquaintance in the city, and might have been of 
 some service to you. But come, go to my house, and 
 we’ll see what can be done for you.” 
 
 I thanked the kind-hearted Mr. Jones for his civility, 
 and accepted his offer. I found him to be a mechanic, 
 of good standing ; and, as a master builder, having a 
 rather extensive acquaintance with men of wealth and 
 influence. I also found his practice kept even pace 
 with his professions — for he exerted himself so well in 
 my favor, that in a very few days, I was in possession 
 of a respectable place in Broadway. It was not, howe- 
 ver, precisely such as I could have wished ; and Mr. 
 Jones, being aware of my preference, promised me his 
 influence in obtaining a wholesale employment, as soon 
 as a favorable opportunity should offer. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 25 
 
 Mr. Joseph Smoothly, my employer, kept an extensive 
 and fashionable dry goods establishment, which was 
 much resorted to by the ladies. He had acquired the 
 reputation of selling cheap, which is usually of great 
 consequence with females, because they pride them- 
 selves on buying bargains. 
 
 But there was another thing, which, in their estima- 
 tion, was still more in favor of Mr. Smoothly : he was a 
 dear, sweet, smiling man. He was the mirror of fashion, 
 and the pink of politeness. He was as neat as a new- 
 laid egg, and as courteous as a prince. His clothes 
 were always made of the best materials, in the newest 
 possible fashion, and worn with the most inimitable 
 grace. The ladies declared that it was impossible to 
 catch him in dishabille : that, go to his store when they 
 would, they were sure to find him dressed, and looking 
 for all the world as though he had just come out of a 
 bandbox. And then his manners were so very agree- 
 able : he never spoke without smiling, and never moved 
 without bowing. His head, when attending to the 
 ladies, was continually on the bob, like that of a Chinese 
 mandarin. 
 
 His hands were soft and white, as though they had 
 been steeped in new milk ; and so delicately did he 
 handle the silks, the laces, and the muslins, that he 
 
'26 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 barely touched them with the tip of his thumb and 
 finger. 
 
 In addition to all these admirable qualities of look and 
 motion, the ladies declared that he smelt delightfully ; 
 that his whole person seemed to exhale perfumes ; and 
 that, when they were in his shop, they could not help 
 fancying themselves in the midst of Arabia the Blest. 
 
 He was, besides, the most accommodating man in 
 the world — or in all Broadway — which was the same 
 thing. He did not, like some other shopkeepers, grudge 
 the labor of exhibiting his goods to the inspection of 
 bright eyes, and submitting them to the examination of 
 fair hands, even though he was perfectly assured that he 
 should not derive any advantage from such exceeding 
 complaisance. He would take his goods from the shelf 
 with a bow, unfold them with a smile, and thank the 
 ladies for begging a pattern. 
 
 With such talents for pleasing, Mr. Joseph Smoothly 
 was accounted the very prince of retailers. His store 
 was constantly thronged with the beauty and fashion of 
 the city. It was the great shopping mart — or, perhaps 
 I should say, the great shopping theatre — for the goods 
 were rather exhibited than sold. The ladies too, while 
 examining the merchandize, had a chance of exhi- 
 biting themselves to the lounging beaux ; and thus, 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 27 
 
 under pretence of shopping, might possibly make a 
 market for themselves. 
 
 But where there was so much smoke, there must of 
 eourse be some fire ; and Mr. Smoothly certainly sold 
 a considerable quantity of goods, and at a considerable 
 advance from the original cost. But an extensive busi- 
 ness, with a good advance profit, does not always render 
 the dealer rich in the end. In a large and fashionable 
 shopping establishment, there, must be a large number 
 of clerks, to wait promptly on the ladies ; otherwise there 
 will he pouting, fidgetting, and withdrawing of pa- 
 tronage. 
 
 Then if the fair customer does not purchase, she must 
 at least beg a pattern. To do otherwise, would be treat- 
 ing the dealer very scurvily. Thus the demand for sam- 
 ples becomes very great. It was so in the store of the 
 obliging and accomplished Mr. Smoothly — insomuch, 
 that I verily believe, one half his goods were disposed 
 of in gratuitous shreds and patches. 
 
 It is a most provoking thing to have any thing to do 
 with professed shoppers. They require more attention, 
 without offering an equivalent, than any other class of 
 people in the world. If they are young and handsome, 
 to be sure the clerk may consider this as a tolerable off- 
 set for his trouble; but the master — Mr. Joseph Smooth- 
 ly always eiccepted — is very apt to think it a poor return 
 for his expenditure of time, money, and complaisance. 
 
28 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 But unluckily it happens, that many a fashionable shop- 
 per is as ugly as sin ; and yet she will take upon herself 
 the same airs, demand the same attention, and - give the 
 poor clerk the same trouble, as if she were a perfect 
 beauty. 
 
 I could recollect many an amusing, and at the same 
 time, provoking exhibition of the shopping mania, during 
 my short stay in the employ of Mr. Smoothly. There 
 was, however, a remarkable similarity in these exhibi- 
 tions; and something like the following might be wit- 
 nessed almost every day. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Callagain, with a reticule in one hand and 
 a parasol in the other. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Good morning, Mr Smoothly — I’ll trou- 
 ble you to show me that bit of silk I was looking at 
 yesterday. 
 
 Smoothly. No trouble in the world, madam. I shall 
 be delighted to show it you, because I’m sure you’ll be 
 delighted with it. It’s really a superb piece of goods. 
 
 Mrs. Call. It is certainly very fine, Mr. Smoothly — 
 I can see it to advantage by this light — but yesterday 
 was so cloudy — I’m glad I called again to-day. 
 
 Smoothly. I’m very glad you did, Mrs. Callagain. 
 Indeed 1 should have been very much disappointed if 
 you had not called. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Indeed I think you would have had rea- 
 son to. It is’nt many days in the year that I miss call- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 29 
 
 mg upon you, Mr. Smoothly. I’m not so neglectful as 
 that. But really there are some days when the weather 
 is too bad for a lady to be out : and Mr. Callagain is so 
 very economical, he thinks he can’t afford to keep a car- 
 riage. However, I don’t think you have many custo- 
 mers, more constant than myself, Mr. Smoothly. 
 
 Smoothly. You may say that with perfect truth, Mrs. 
 Callagain. Shall I cut you off a dress from this piece 
 of silk ! 
 
 Mrs. Call. Not to day, Mr. Smoothly, I’ll look at 
 some of your lace, if you please. 
 
 Smoothly. Certainly, Madam. 
 
 Mrs. Call. I’m sorry to give you so much trouble, 
 Mr. Smoothly — but — 
 
 Smoothly. It’s no trouble in the world, madam. It 
 gives me infinite pleasure to wait upon you. 
 
 Mrs. Call. You are a dear good, accommodating 
 soul, as ever breathed. I do so like to trade with a man 
 of your politeness — 
 
 Smoothly. Thank you, ma’am — I’m much obliged 
 to you. How much of this lace will you have ? 
 
 Mrs. Call. Not any to day, I thank you. 
 
 Smoothly. It’s a superb article — don’t you think 
 it is ? 
 
 Mrs. Call. It is beautiful indeed — but — 
 
 Smoothly. You shall have it very cheap. I would’nt 
 
 sell it to every body so- — but you’re so good a customer — 
 4 
 
30 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Mrs. Call. I am a. great customer to you, Mr. 
 Smoothly, that’s true. But as for the price — I hope you 
 don’t think that’s any object to me? 
 
 Smoothly. None in the world, Mrs. Callagain — and 
 yet — 
 
 Mrs. Call. Shall I trouble you to show me that bit 
 of muslin once more — 
 
 Smoothly. No trouble at all ma’am. 
 
 Mrs. Call. I mean the piece I looked at yesterday, 
 and the day before, and the day before that, and so on. 
 
 Smoothly. I regret to say that piece is all gone, Mrs. 
 Callagain. We gave away the last of it in patterns this 
 very day. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Oh, how sorry I am! I intended to 
 have got another pattern before it was gone. But, do 
 tell me, who had the last ? 
 
 Smoothly. Miss Begabit. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Miss Begabit ! I do wonder people will 
 be so troublesome. 
 
 Smoothly. Not the least trouble in the world, ma’am. 
 Mrs. Call. Why to be sure, where people is in the 
 habit of buying like I am, it’s all well enough ; but for 
 such tiresome creatures as Miss Begabit, who do nothing 
 but shop, shop, all day long, and every day in the week — 
 it’s too bad. By the by, Mr. Smoothly, now I think of 
 it, have you sold that piece of calico I took a pattern of 
 about a month ago, and told you to lay by for me ? 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 31 
 
 Smoothly . No, ma’am, here it is. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Thank you, Mr. Smoothly — you art a 
 dear obliging man, it does’nt signify — and I’m so glad 
 you hav’nt sold it, for I’ll take another pattern now. 
 
 Smoothly. Certainly, ma’am. 
 
 Mrs. Call. A little bigger if you please. 
 
 Smoothly. Certainly — certainly, ma’am. 
 
 Mrs. Call. It is a charming piece of calico. 
 
 Smoothly. Superb. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Shall I trouble you to lay it aside for me 
 again ? 
 
 Smoothly. No trouble in the world, ma’am. Any 
 thing else to-day ? 
 
 Mrs. Call. I’ll take another pattern of that silk, if you 
 
 Smoothly. Unquestionably, madam. Any thing else 
 to-day ? 
 
 Mrs. Call. Let me see — why, yes, now I think of 
 it, I’ll take some patterns, both of the silk and calico, for a 
 couple of cousins of mine from the country. They’ll be 
 delighted with them. 
 
 Smoothly. Any thing else to day ? Here’s a new 
 species of muslin — entirely a new style of goods — a su- 
 perb article. 
 
 Mrs. Call. It is beautiful. I’ll take some patterns 
 of that, if you please — a large one for myself, and two 
 smaller ones for my cousins. 
 
32 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Smoothly. Thank you, madam — much obliged to 
 you. Any thing else to day % 
 
 Mrs. Call. Nothing more, that I can think of now — 
 ah, yes, I’d like to have forgot myself. I’ll take a yard 
 of your tape, if you please — the cheapest kind. I always 
 buy something you know. It would’nt be right to give 
 you so much trouble for nothing. 
 
 Smoothly, Don’t speak of the trouble, Mrs. Calla- 
 gam, I beg of you. 
 
 Mrs. Call. Oh ! if there aint that odious Miss Bega- 
 bit, coming in this very moment; I wonder how you 
 can endure such a troublesome thing as she is. For 
 my part I can’t bear the sight of her. Good bye, Mr 
 Smoothly — never mind the tape now — I’ll call again to- 
 morrow. [Exit. 
 
 Poor Joseph Smoothly! he bowed and smiled, and 
 then turned to wait on Miss Begabit. And so it went 
 on from day to day. He did an immense business, such 
 as it was; but he did a business which would have 
 ruined any man. It was much like that of a certain 
 nameless character, when he sheared the swine : ' Great 
 cry and little wool.’ 
 
 Mr. Smoothly was to pay me quarterly, at the rate of 
 three hundred dollars per annum But before the first 
 quarter had expired, he failed. Poor man ! he fell a 
 martyr to his excessive politeness. All he had left in 
 his store, was a few odds and ends, strangely cut and 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 33 
 
 notched by the practice of giving patterns ; and all his 
 money and effects would not pay ten cents on the dollar. 
 
 I had not designed, as I mentioned before, to continue 
 very long as a retail clerk; and my friend Davy Jones — 
 as he was familiarly called — having in the meantime 
 been on the look-out for my interest, procured me a 
 situation in Pearl street, into which I was inducted 
 pretty soon after the failure of my employer, in 
 Broadway. 
 
 4 * 
 
1 
 
 
 
 >• 
 
 ' 
 
 - 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 35 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Wherein the hero gets into difficulty with his landlady — of whom , 
 together with her house, the reader is treated to a faithful 
 sketch . 
 
 Behold what a change ! I. was now a clerk in Pearl 
 street ; I was now in the high road which I meant to 
 travel, to wealth, to happiness, and to mercantile glory. 
 It would indeed be some little time first; but I saw the 
 way perfectly clear before me, in which I felt sure of 
 ultimately reaching the goal of my wishes. My salary 
 was now six hundred dollars per annum — a gain of a 
 hundred per cent in the space of a few short days. 
 This looked well ; my prospects were certainly improv- 
 ing ; and I entertained very sanguine hopes. 
 
 But I was destined to a vexatious affair with my land- 
 lady. On taking possession of my new place, I was re- 
 quested by my employers, Messrs. Smirk, Quirk & Co. 
 to take board at one of the principal hotels, for the con- 
 venience of drumming — they agreeing to pay the 
 difference between the price of board at a public and 
 
36 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 a private house, in consideration of the advantages they 
 expected to derive from the change. 
 
 Expecting to receive my money from Mr. Smoothly 
 at the end of a quarter, I had agreed to pay Mrs. Con- 
 niption, my landlady, at the same time. But the failure 
 of my employer caused the failure of his clerk — at least 
 so far as it regarded the engagement with Mrs. Con- 
 niption. This the good lady very well knew; but 
 when I left her house, to go to my new lodgings — 
 though I assured her she should he paid, as soon as I 
 could receive money from Messrs. Smirk, Quirk & Co., 
 she seized upon my trunk of clothes, as security for the 
 debt. I suppose, at least, she took them for security, 
 for I am pretty certain she could not have designed to 
 wear them upon her own lovely person, which was 
 somewhat about twice my circumference, with a little 
 more than half my length. 
 
 At all events, the articles, which she seized, saving 
 such things as I happened to have on, constituted my 
 entire wardrobe; to wit, two pair of stockings, one vest, 
 one pair of pantaloons, one dress-coat, one surtout, two 
 nightcaps, three cravats, one pair of hoots, and one pair 
 of slippers. False collars had scarcely then come in 
 fashion ; and dickies, and all other apologies for a shirt, 
 I heartily despised. 
 
 But apropos of my landlady. I must give a short 
 account of her. As I have just hinted, she was a short 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 37 
 
 woman. True, she was short in every sense of the 
 word. Her person was short; her neck was short ; 
 her fingers were short ; her provisions were short ; and 
 she was short and crusty. In speaking of her short- 
 ness, however, I should perhaps except her tongue, 
 which upon certain occasions was quite long enough. 
 She was a little, squat old woman, somewhat wrinkled 
 in the face, somewhat sharp in the matter of a nose, and 
 particularly sharp in the matter of money. 
 
 Such was Mrs. Conniption. She kept a four-dollar 
 boarding house; and made money, not so much by 
 the high price which she exacted of her guests, as by the 
 low price of the conveniences with which she furnish- 
 ed them. Her charge for board and lodging was suffi- 
 ciently moderate ; but the rate, at which she purchaser- 
 provisions for bed and board, was quite too moderate. 
 
 And this was the secret of Mrs. Conniption’s wealtn. 
 She made money by stinting her boarders. She pur- 
 chased the cheapest articles in the market — the very re- 
 fuse of more generous house-keepers. Whether it was 
 meat, vegetables, or fruit, she took care to obtain such 
 only as could be purchased at half price. Fifty per 
 cent, said she to herself, is worth saving; and as for my 
 boarders — la ! they’ll never know the difference. But 
 my pocket will feel it most sensibly. 
 
 As for me, I might say my stomach felt it most sensi- 
 bly. 1 shall never forget the impression of Mrs. Con 
 
38 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 niption’s boarding house, the longest day I have to live. 
 
 I seem at this moment to see every thing before me, as 
 it happened at the time. I will give a picture — merely 
 the picture of a day. 
 
 I must begin then with the breakfast table. There 
 were some fifteen or twenty boarders, and at least two 
 dishes — a salt shad, or mackerel, and a lean beef steak, 
 which had been dried, not broiled, over the coals. Per- 
 haps one or the other of these, for a rarity, was alter- 
 nated with stale sausages, or salt leg of pork — salted 
 almost beyond the possibility of being eaten. No fowls, 
 no eggs, no oysters, ever made their way to the break- 
 fast table. Along with the fish or flesh, the stale sausa- 
 ges or trebly-salted pork, might be seen a plate or two 
 of bread, sometimes of rye, sometimes of wheat, baked 
 by Mrs. Conniption herself, thoroughly soured, and as 
 heavy as a grindstone ; but no admittance was allowed 
 to toast, buckwheat cakes, or hot rolls. There was a 
 small quantity of butter, such as it was ; but its color 
 was nearly as various as the rainbow ; and after having 
 been doubly salted at home to make it weigh more, it 
 had been salted again by Mrs. Conniption to make it go 
 the further with her boarders. 
 
 So much for the morning eatahles. At the head of the 
 table sat the sweet lady herself, drawing from a coffee 
 urn and distributing — oh heavens! I have not yet 
 found a name for it. The basis of it, however, was wa- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 39 
 
 ter, drawn from the Manhattan hydrant or the pump, 
 which in its purest state was scarcely drinkable. Added 
 to this was a small quantity of damaged coffee, burnt 
 crust, or roasted rye, well pulverised — which, having 
 boiled awhile, was thoroughly incorporated with the 
 water 5 and both drawn together into the cups, exhibited, 
 when combined with a little milk, very much the ap- 
 pearance of ashes and water. The taste of this strange 
 mixture, being indescribable, I leave to the reader’s 
 imagination. The lady presidentess never asked, Is 
 your coffee — she certainly called it coffee ! — I say, she 
 never asked, Is your coffee agreeable, sir? — Do I make 
 your coffee to suit you, madam ? lest some one should 
 have the impudence to ask for more sugar or milk, and 
 she should he a loser by her ill-judged politeness. 
 
 At the dinner table, the picture was a shade or two 
 brighter. But here there was nothing to boast of — for 
 the meat, having been bought at a reduced price in the 
 market, did not of course consist of the prime pieces ; 
 and, what was worse still, it was spoilt in the cooking. If 
 roasted, it had never felt the softening and savory influence 
 of the basting-spoon ; hut was as dry as a chip, and to- 
 tally destitute of any inviting qualities. Add to this, it 
 was accompanied by no gravy — or nothing deserving of 
 that title — the contents of the attending butter-boat being 
 neither more nor less than unmingled grease at the top, a 
 watery mixture in the middle, and a variously compound- 
 
40 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 ed sediment of salt and other ingredients at the bottom 
 Such was the character of the roast, whether it were beef, 
 mutton, veal, or swine’s flesh. As for chickens, ducks, 
 or poultry of any kind, they never winged their way so 
 far as Mrs. Conniption’s table. A boiled leg of mutton 
 was rarely seen — and when seen, was never accompa- 
 nied by its legitimate attendant, drawn-butter-and- 
 parsley. But roasted mutton, smelling strong of its 
 sheepish qualities and reeking in its own grease, was 
 seldom wanting to grace the board. For vegetables, 
 there were round watery potatoes, sliced beats, boiled 
 cabbage, and so forth ; but for celery — crisp, well-bleach- 
 ed, delicious, appetite-inspiring celery — we had none 
 of it. 
 
 Wait a minute, and you shall have the dessert — and a 
 desert indeed it was, nearly as barren of attraction as the 
 desert of Arabia. Behold an apple dumpling, with the 
 crust so tough, that it needed not, like that which so 
 puzzled old King George — as said and sung by Peter 
 Pindar — to be sewed, to keep it together ; but would 
 rather require an axe or cleaver to cut it asunder — 
 enclosing an apple so sour that, if you ate it, your 
 children’s teeth would be set on edge. A pudding'made 
 of rice and water, in which the latter ingredient most 
 plentifully abounded ; or a batch of boiled rice, concreted 
 nearly into the hardness of a stone, to be eaten with W. 
 I. molasses. An apple pie, with the crust as strong as 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 41 
 
 sole-leather, enclosing here and there a hit of apple, as 
 tart as the woman that made it ; or sweetened, if at all, 
 merely^with that same W. I. molasses. Or perchance 
 your eye might be feasted upon a dessert of fruits — but 
 what fruits !— shrivelled peaches, purchased dearly at 
 fifty cents a bushel, sour pears not worth twenty-five 
 cents, or wormy apples not worth a shilling. 
 
 But all this, was princely compared with the tea-table, 
 which, in the first place, was nothing but a suite of bare 
 boards — mahogany it might be, and faithfully polished 
 — but no table can be considered as properly set without 
 a cloth. However, it is not so much the table itself I 
 would depict, as the articles upon it, and the mistress at 
 the upper end of it. As at breakfast, so at tea, there sat 
 Mrs. Conniption — heavens, what a countenance! If 
 the milk had not been watered beyond the possibility 
 of being soured, her face would certainly have turned it 
 to bonnyclabber. The eatables consisted chiefly of dry 
 bread and extra-salted butter ; but the tea, or that liquid 
 which was so called, is the object most deserving of par- 
 ticular admiration. How so large a quantity of be verge 
 could be made from so small a quantity of the Chinese 
 herb, would certainly have been matter of marvel to any 
 one not acquainted with the economy of Mrs. Connip- 
 tion’s boarding house. Some might suppose it was 
 owing to a peculiar virtue in the inside of the good lady’s 
 teapot, or to some superior quality of the herb em- 
 
42 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 ployed. But I can assure them this was not the case ; 
 and no person, who had ever tasted the infusion, or rather 
 decoction, could have much doubt as to the mode of its 
 preparation. One thimbleful of tea was put into a quart, 
 a gallon, or some other assignable quantity of water ; and 
 the leaves of the herb might be seen, like the wrecked 
 Trojans, floating in a vast sea, few and far apart. Mrs. 
 Conniption always measured her tea in a thimble. At 
 first, the teapot was filled with water, and after a thorough 
 decoction of the thimbleful, it was brought upon the table. 
 As soon as it began to run low, it was again filled with 
 water. A second pouring out took place, and it was 
 again replenished with water. And so on, alternately 
 pouring out and filling up, as long as there were any 
 guests to be served. From this account of its prepara- 
 tion, it requires no Yankee to guess at the nature of the 
 liquid prepared. On the same general principle of 
 economy, the boarders were not allowed to sweeten their 
 own tea, lest they should be too profuse of the sugar : 
 nor to cream it, lest they should draw too largely on 
 the precious milk and water, whereof a single gill was 
 made to serve the whole table. The presiding goddess 
 of the teapot — alias , Mrs. Conniption — put into each cup 
 half a tea spoonful of brown Havana sugar, and five drops 
 of milk. If any one was dissatisfied with this quantity, 
 and had the impudence. to send up his cup for more, she 
 put in perhaps one fourth of a tea-spoonful of sugar, and 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 43 
 
 three other drops of milk, at the same time glancing- at 
 him a look as if she would bite his head off But though 
 so sparing of the sugar and milk, it is but justice to Mrs. 
 Conniption to say, she dealt bountifully with us in the 
 article of tea, for pump-water was cheap, and the process 
 of pouring in, very easily supplied the exhaustion of 
 pouring out. In short, had it not. been for the expense 
 of sugar and milk, we might have had the tea, like a 
 certain modern author’s poetry, — 
 
 “ In one weak, washy, everlasting flood.” 
 
 \ 
 
 It now only remains to speak of the commodity of 
 lodging. We had, on an average, half a dozen beds in a 
 room, where we could sleep and snore in concert, or, if 
 more agreeable, keep one another awake. As for that 
 whereon we lay, there was usually a plentiful lack of 
 feathers ; but, to make up this deficiency, we had as 
 much straw as we could wish, and so thrown up into 
 ridges and lumps and bumps, that we felt as if we were 
 stretched across a pile of rails, or an assortment of cop- 
 ple-stones. To add still further to our comfort, ever and 
 anon our noses were assailed by the odor of one of those 
 sanguinary animals, that come travelling over your 
 pillow, and insist, like Shylock, upon having their pound 
 of flesh. Sheets, which were changed once a month ; 
 
44 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 a towel, which was changed once a fortnight ; a course 
 ewer and basin ; and a hit of worn-out carpeting, com- 
 pleted the furniture. 
 
 Such is a slight sketch of Mrs. Conniption and her 
 hoarding house. Of her seizure of my goods and chat- 
 tels, I will speak further in the next chapter. 
 
THE 1’ERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 45 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Wherein the hero has recourse to Davy Jones. 
 
 When I first found my clothes detained, I was in no 
 little trouble. I knew not what to do. I had not a 
 change of linen, nor money to buy one. At first I en- 
 deavored to soften the heart of my landlady, by gentle 
 words and fair promises. I am not certain but I said 
 something to her of her charming looks and amiable dis- 
 position. If I did, heaven forgive me ! never was lan- 
 guage more wofully misapplied, never was flattery more 
 completely thrown away. I might as well have at- 
 tempted to melt an iceberg with a farthing candle. She 
 declared that I should not have a rag of my clothes until 
 her bill was paid. She said she had seen such chaps as 
 me before, and she knew how to deal with them. She 
 could’nt afford such accommodations as hers, indeed she 
 could’nt, without being promptly paid for them. 
 
 Thus she went on, until I began to get out of all pa- 
 tience, and told her she might go to Old Nick with her 
 5 * 
 
46 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 accommodations, for what I cared ; I would not trouble 
 myself with further solicitations, hut take some other 
 mode of recovering my property. 
 
 “ A fiddlestick’s end for your tother mood!” exclaim- 
 claimed the old lady, “ I know what the law is, and I’ll 
 maintain it too. You don’t catch me asleep with both 
 my eyes open, I warrant you.” 
 
 When I spoke to Mrs. Conniption of taking some 
 other mode of recovering my property, I had no refer- 
 ence to the law; and merely intended if possible to 
 raise the money of my new employers, Messrs. Smirk, 
 Quirk, & Co. I accordingly applied to them, but in 
 vain. They declared they would pay no man his wages, 
 before he had earned them. 
 
 “ You are right, gentlemen,” said I, “it is fair to pay 
 when the work is done. But it was not exactly in the 
 shape of wages that I asked for this money. My case 
 is rather a peculiar one, and owing to misfortune entire- 
 ly. It is not above forty-five dollars that I owe ; and I 
 thought, as I was now in your employ, you would be- 
 friend me so far as — ” 
 
 “We can’t — we can’t do it,” said Mr. Smirk, speak- 
 ing short and bustling about. “ There’s no use in talk- 
 ing to us — we never do any thing without a quid per 
 quod, as the lawyers say — we never do any thing for 
 mere friendship — that’s all stuff— that won’t do for men 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 47 
 
 of business — friendship starved a cat. When you earn 
 your wages, we’ll pay them.” 
 
 Hfiving met with this rebuff from my ungentlemanly 
 employers, I next had recourse to my friend David 
 Jones, who informed me — much to my relief — that Mrs. 
 Conniption had no right to retain my property; and 
 that, if I chose to push the matter, the law would make 
 her suffer severely. 
 
 I assured him I had no desire to meddle with the law, 
 if I could help it. That it was a troublesome and tedious 
 business at best, besides being attended with a glorious 
 uncertainty in the end. 
 
 “ There is no uncertainty about it in this case,” he 
 replied — “ however, I’ll save you the trouble of going to 
 law — I’ll get your clothes for you in less than half an 
 hour, without any expense. I know how to deal with 
 such folks as old Mrs. Conniption. Leave her to me ; 
 I’ll manage her.” 
 
 So saying, my friend Davy posted forthwith to see 
 the good woman ; and, indeed, in less than half an hour 
 I was in possession of my trunk, and all and sundry of 
 my property which had been detained. On inquiring 
 how he had so suddenly procured its release, he replied, 
 he had threatened the old woman with the law. 
 
 “ Well, how did she take it ?” 
 
 “ At first she would’nt take it all. She said she knew 
 as much about the law as any body — she had a right to 
 
48 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 retain the boarders’ clothes, if they went away without 
 paying her- — that she had done it time and again, without 
 warrant, or execution, or sisserarrah, or any such tiling. 
 
 “ All that may he, good woman, said I ; but this will 
 be the last opportunity you’ll have of doing it, unless 
 you give up Mr. Hazard’s clothes in the space of three 
 minutes.” 
 
 “ How did she take that ?” 
 
 “ Oh, she took it as gently as a lamb — she was afraid 
 to do otherwise — she knew me, and I knew her, and she 
 knew that I knew her — and so the affair was settled 
 directly.” 
 
 ' £. 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 49 
 
 CHAPTER VII 
 
 Containing an account of a remarkable personage . 
 
 The firm of Smirk, Quirk & Co. affected a great 
 parade and hustle in the way of business. They em- 
 ployed a large number of clerks, whom they hoarded 
 at the different hotels, for the convenience of drumming ; 
 besides each member of the firm boarding in like man- 
 ner, and for a similar purpose. They had an immense 
 pile of large boxes, such as are used for packing dry 
 goods, constantly before their door, blocking up the side- 
 walk so that it was nearly impossible to pass. They 
 advertised largely in several of the daily papers, and 
 made any persons believe, what they boasted themselves, 
 that they sold more dry goods than any house in the 
 city. 
 
 But those, who were, behind the curtain, knew belter. 
 They knew there was a great deal of vain boast and 
 empty show. They knew that Peter Funk was much 
 
50 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 employed about the premises, and putting the best possi - 
 ble face upon every thing. 
 
 By the hy, speaking of Peter Funk, I must give a 
 short history of that distinguished personage. When, 
 or where, he was born, I cannot pretend to say. Nei- 
 ther do I know who were his parents, or what was his 
 bringing up. He might have been the child of thirty- 
 six fathers for aught I know; and instead of being 
 brought up, have, as the vulgar saying is, come up 
 himself. 
 
 One thing is certain, he has been known among mer- 
 chants time out of mind ; and though he is despised and 
 hated by some, he is much employed and cherished by 
 others. He is a little, bustling, active, smiling, bowing, 
 scraping, quizzical fellow, in a powdered wig, London- 
 
 brown coat, drab kefseymere breeches, and black silk 
 stockings. 
 
 1 his is the standing portrait of Peter Funk— if a 
 being, who changes his figure every day, every hour, 
 and perhaps every minute, may be said to have any sort 
 of fixed or regular form. The truth is, Peter Funk is 
 a very Proteus; and those, who behold him in one 
 shape to-day, may, if they will watch his transformations, 
 behold him in a hundred different forms on the morrow. 
 Indeed there is no calculating, from his present appear- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 51 
 
 ance, in what shape he will he likely to figure next. He 
 changes at will, to suit the wishes of his employers. 
 
 His mind is as flexible as his person. He has no 
 scruples of conscience. He is ready to be employed in 
 all manner of deceit and deviltry ; and he cares not who 
 his employers are, if they only give him plenty of busi- 
 ness. In short, he-is the most active, industrious, accom- 
 modating, dishonest, unprincipled convenient little varlet 
 that ever lived. 
 
 Besides all the various qualities I have mentioned, 
 
 Peter Funk seems to be endowed with ubiquity — or at 
 
 least with the faculty of being present in more places 
 
 than one at the same time. If it were not so, how could 
 
 # • 
 
 he serve so many masters at once ? How could he be 
 seen, in one part of Pearl street buying goods at auc- 
 tion; in another part, standing at the door with a quill 
 behind each ear ; and in a third, figuring in the shape 
 of a box of goods, or cooped up on the shelf, making a 
 show of merchandize where all was emptiness behind ? 
 
 With this account of Peter Funk, my readers have 
 perhaps, by this time, gathered some idea of his charac- 
 ter. If not, I must inform them that he is the very imp 
 of deception ; that his sole occupation is to deceive ; and 
 that he is only employed for that purpose. Indeed, such 
 being his known character in the mercantile community, 
 his name is sometimes used figuratively to signify any 
 
52 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 thing which is employed for the purpose of deception — 
 or as the sharp ones say, to gull the flats. 
 
 Such being the various and accommodating character 
 of Peter F unk, it is not at all surprising that his services 
 should be in great demand. Accordingly he is very 
 much employed in Pearl street — sometimes under one 
 name, and sometimes under another — for I should have 
 mentioned, as a part of his character, that he is exceed- 
 ingly apt to change names, and has as many aliases as 
 the most expert rogue in Bridewell or the Court of Ses- 
 sions. Sometimes he takes the name of John Smith, 
 sometimes James Smith, and sometimes simply Mr. 
 Smith. At other times he is called Roger Brown, Si- 
 mon White, Bob Johnson, or Tommy Thompson. In 
 short, he has an endless variety of names, under which 
 he passes before the world for so many different persons. 
 The initiated only know, and every body else is gulled. 
 
 Peter Funk is a great hand at auctions. He is con- 
 stantly present, bidding up the goods as though he was 
 determined to buy every thing before him. He is well 
 known for bidding higher than any body else ; or, at all 
 events, for running up an article to the very highest 
 notch, though he finally lets the opposing bidder take it, 
 merely, as he says, to accommodate him — or, not par- 
 ticularly wanting the article himself, he professes to have 
 bid upon it solely because he thought it a great pity so 
 
THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 53 
 
 fine a piece of goods should go so very far beneath its 
 value. 
 
 It is no uncommon thing to see the little fellow attend- 
 ing an auction, in his powdered wig, his brown coat, his 
 drab kerseys, as fat as a pig, as sleek as a mole, and 
 smiling with the most happy countenance, as if he were 
 about to make his fortune. It is no uncommon thing, 
 to see him standing near the auctioneer, and exclaiming, 
 as he keeps bobbing his head in token of bidding- — u A 
 superb piece of goods ! a fine piece of goods ! great pity 
 it should go so cheap — I don’t want it, but I’ll givs 
 another twenty-five cents, rather than it should go for 
 nothing.” The opposite bidder is probably some novice 
 from the country — some honest Johnny Raw, who is 
 shrewd enough in what he understands, but has never in 
 his life heard of Peter Funk. Seeing so very knowing 
 and respectable a looking man, bidding upon the piece 
 of goods and praising it up at every nod, he naturally 
 thinks it must be a great bargain, and he is determined 
 to have it, let it cost what it will. The result is, that he 
 gives fifty per cent more for the article than it is worth ; 
 and the auctioneer and Peter Funk are ready to burst 
 with laughter at the prodigious gull they have made of 
 the poor countryman. 
 
 By thus running up goods, Peter i3 of great service to 
 the auctioneers, though he never pays them a cent of 
 6 
 
64 THE PERILS OP TEARL STREET. 
 
 money. Indeed it is not his intention to purchase, nor 
 is it that of the auctioneer that he should. Goods 
 nevertheless are frequently struck off to him ; and then 
 the salesman cries out the name of Mr. Smith, Mr. John- 
 son, or some other among the hundred aliases of Peter 
 Funk, as the purchaser. But the goods, on such occa- 
 sions, are always taken back by the auctioneer, agreea- 
 bly to a secret understanding between him and Peter. 
 
 In a word, Peter F unk is the great under-bidder at all 
 the auctions, and might with no little propriety be styled 
 the under-bidder general. But this sort of characters 
 are both unlawful and unpopular — not to say odious — 
 and hence it becomes necessary for Peter Funk, alias 
 the under-bidder, to have so many aliases to his name, 
 in order that he may not be detected in the underhanded 
 practice of under-bidding. 
 
 To avoid detection, however, he sometimes resorts to 
 other tricks, among which one is, to act the part of a ven- 
 triloquist, and appear to be several different persons, bid- 
 ding in different places. He has the knack of changing 
 his voice at will, and counterfeiting that of sundry well- 
 known persons ; so that goods are sometimes knocked 
 off to gentlemen who have never opened their mouths. 
 
 But a very common trick of Peter’s, is, to conceal 
 himself in the cellar, from whence, through a convenient 
 hole near the auctioneer, his voice is heard bidding for 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 55 
 
 goods ; and nobody, but those in the secret, know from 
 whence the sound proceeds. This is acting the part of 
 Peter Funk in the cellar. 
 
 But Peter, for the most part, is fond of being seen in 
 some shape or other ; and it matters little what, so that 
 he can aid his employers in carrying on a system of de- 
 ception. He will figure in the shape of a box, bale, or 
 package of goods ; he will appear in twenty different 
 places, at the same time, on the shelf of a jobber — some- 
 times representing a specimen of English, French, or 
 other goods — but being a mere shadow, and nothing else 
 —a phantasma — a show without the substance. In this 
 manner it was, that he often figured in the service of 
 Smirk, Quirk & Co. ; and while people were astonished 
 at the prodigious quantity of goods they had in their 
 store, two thirds at least of the show was owing to Peter 
 F unk. 
 

 
 
 , 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 - 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET,, 
 
 57 
 
 CHAPTER Till. 
 
 Being a brief essay on the art of drumming . 
 
 Though much of the apparent business of my employ- 
 ers was mere empty show, nevertheless it must be owned 
 that they got off a considerable quantity of goods, which 
 they did chiefly by dint of drumming : for, as I said be- 
 fore, they boarded their numerous clerks, as well as 
 themselves, at the different hotels in the city, for this very 
 purpose. 
 
 As I have mentioned the practice of drumming, it will 
 doubtless be necessary, for the better understanding of 
 iny readers — especially those in the country — to define 
 what is meant by the use of the term. I well recollect, 
 and indeed have already spoken of, my own ignorance 
 on the subject, when I first came to the city ; and I take 
 it to be no disparagement to my country readers in gen- 
 eral, to suppose they are as little acquainted with the 
 matter as I myself was at that time. 
 
 Drumming, in mercantile phrase, means the soliciting 
 of customers. It is chiefly used in reference to country 
 6 * 
 
58 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 merchants, or those supposed to be such. Instead of 
 patiently waiting for these persons to come and purchase, 
 the merchant, or his clerk, goes to them and solicits their 
 custom. In this manner the sale of goods is often expe- 
 dited ; and though the practice of drumming is held by 
 some to be neither very modest nor very dignified, still 
 it must be owned to add pretty largely, in certain cases, 
 to the account of goods sold. Indeed, without drum- 
 ming, it is greatly suspected that sundry houses, which 
 make a remarkable show and noise, would do very little 
 business ; and this for various reasons, the principal of 
 which are, first, that they have seldom any great variety 
 of goods ; secondly, that those which they haye are rarely 
 of the first quality ; thirdly, that the price, however much 
 the drummers may boast of their cheapness, is, for the 
 most part, actually beyond the value ; and fourthly, that 
 merchants, who resort to these means for selling their 
 goods, are apt to be considered as very slippery fellows. 
 
 Such are some of the reasons which render the prac- 
 tice of drumming necessary, in certain houses, in order 
 to secure a tolerable share of business. But if the char- 
 acter of these houses is not of the first degree of respecta- 
 bility ; neither is the custom, which they obtain by drum- 
 ming, in general of the best kind. It consists chiefly of 
 the younger class of country merchants, who have not 
 had time to acquire property, who have no money to pay 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 59 
 
 for goods, and who, in due time, all things considered, 
 may be expected to fail ; or otherwise it consists of that 
 class of country dealers, who have been in business long 
 enough to fail several times, or whose credit, for some 
 other reason, is not very highly esteemed in Pearl street. 
 Those, who are well established in business, or those 
 who have the money in their pockets, are not likely, for 
 very obvious reasons, to become the prey of drummers. 
 They can go to the most respectable houses and pur- 
 chase — the first, because they are old customers, and 
 their credit is undoubted ; the second, because they have 
 the wherewithal to purchase the best of goods, and at 
 the lowest rates. 
 
 All things considered, it is not perhaps surprising that 
 the drumming merchant should fail ; and that his coun- 
 try customers should fail likewise. The truth is ; they 
 mutually affect each other. The country merchant, 
 having purchased inferior goods at a high price, cannot 
 sell them above the first cost ; or, if he does put a profit 
 on them, it is to such persons as seldom pay for their 
 goods. The natural consequence is, that the country 
 dealer fails. The city dealer, depending on the country 
 one, fails also. And there is an end of the drumming 
 merchant. 
 
 But the goods, which the country dealer cannot pa^ 
 for, are not his only loss. His expenses of drumming 
 
m 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 have amounted to no small sum. Besides employing 
 extra clerks and paying the extra price for their board at 
 the hotels, he has been very liberal of his money in pay- 
 ing for wine, oyster-suppers, theatre-tickets, and such 
 other means of conciliating the favor of the country mer- 
 chant, as are usually resorted to by drummers. He has 
 laid out this money in expectation of getting it back sun- 
 dry fold, by the profits he expects to derive from his coun- 
 try dupe. Poor fool ! in duping the rustic trader, he 
 has duped himself. He has thrown away his drumming- 
 money for nothing, and his goods into the bargain. 
 
 It does not necessarily follow, however, that those 
 who are drummed into the purchase of goods, will in all 
 cases fail to pay for them. There are certainly many 
 instances to the contrary. Nor does it necessarily fol- 
 low, that the merchant, who drums for customers, will 
 break in consequence thereof. On the contrary, there 
 may, for aught I know, be instances of such persons 
 surmounting all the difficulties of their situation, and be- 
 coming wealthy in the end. But what I would chiefly 
 observe, is, that the general tendency of the drumming 
 system is, to an unfortunate result* both to the drummer 
 and the drummee. 
 
 Contemptible, however, as the practice is, and unfor- 
 tunate as the system may in general prove, it requires, 
 some little ingenuity and tact to become a good drum- 
 
THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 61 
 
 mer. Besides possessing a neck that will bow, a back 
 that will bend, and a tongue that will flatter, the drum- 
 mer must exercise a tolerable share of discrimination. 
 He must be able to select his men. He must know 
 how to distinguish a countryman from an inhabitant of 
 the city, and a country merchant from a farmer, a me- 
 chanic, or professional gentleman. A nd when he has 
 done so, he must be able to give a pretty shrewd guess at 
 least, whether he can make any thing out of his man 
 when selected. Whether he is of the right material to 
 be moulded into the proper shape ; or whether, like the 
 adamant, he is too hard to receive any impression. 
 
 It is not my intention to enumerate all the circumstan- 
 ces which may render a man a fit subject for a drumming* 
 operation. His countenance, his manners, and his lan- 
 guage may no doubt afford some criterion to those who 
 are conversant in such matters. Perhaps by these the 
 countryman may be distinguished from the citizen ; but 
 the most obvious distinction is apt to arise from the cir- 
 cumstance of dress. The fashion of the country is usu- 
 ally a long way behind that of the city. The people 
 fret, scold, and rail at the new mode of dress ; but are 
 sure to adopt it in the end, and generally after it has 
 fairly left the city. Hence they may generally be told 
 by the cut of their clothes, which, in the eyes of the city 
 blades, has become altogether antiquated. 
 
62 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 For instance, now that I am writing, in the year 1833, 
 man/ a country merchant may be seen in Pearl street, 
 and elsewhere in the city, whose pantaloons were all the 
 mode ten years ago — being the good and comfortable 
 fashion of large seats, plaited fronts, and legs tapering 
 towards the bottom, agreeably to the shape of most 
 men’s supporters. And then again they look remarkably 
 well-saved, as if they were merely worn to church on 
 Sunday ; and being taken off as soon as the wearer had 
 got home, were carefully brushed and laid in the chest, 
 only to be worn again on the next Lord’s day. 
 
 A gentleman, with such inexpressibles, would bo in- 
 stantly known for a countryman. But such gentlemen 
 are not always food for drummers. The man, who 
 makes a suit of clothes last six or eight years, is generally 
 one who pays promptly for what he purchases, whether 
 it be houses, lands, or merchandize. Nevertheless the 
 thorough-going drummer no sooner casts his eye upon 
 a pair of those pantaloons, with the roomy seat, the 
 plaited front, and the tapering legs, than he forthwith 
 pounces upon the wearer, as if he were determined to 
 make sure game of the careful, saving countryman. 
 
 It is amusing, on some such occasion, to see the dis- 
 comfitted drummer drawing off like a wounded hawk, 
 who having made a swoop upon a stout barn-yard fowl, 
 has been defeated and driven off with shame. Thorough- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 63 
 
 bred drummers, however, are happily wanting in this 
 last commodity ; and though they meet with many a hard 
 rebuff, they turn directly to some new game, which they 
 attack with unabated vigor. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 65 
 
 \ 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Containing sundry specimens of the art of drumming. 
 
 Messrs. Smirk, Quirk & Co. were allowed to be the 
 greatest drummers in all Pearl street. They were hand 
 and glove with various hotel keepers, from whom they 
 obtained information of the name, residence, occupation, 
 and so forth, of their various guests — a species of infor- 
 mation which was of essential service to them in their 
 drumming operations ; while they, in their turn, aided 
 the hotel keepers by bringing custom to their houses. 
 
 Though, as I have already hinted, the firm of Smirk, 
 Quirk & Co. were assisted in their drumming opera- 
 tions by sundry clerks, it must be owned that none of 
 them could equal Mr. Smirk himself in real acute, un- 
 daunted, persevering, and indefatigable drumming. With 
 all this talent, however, he could not always succeed to 
 his wishes. Indeed it is not in the power of the greatest 
 talent, at all times to command success. 
 
 Many very amusing, and some rather ludicrous 
 scenes might be painted, of the drumming operations of 
 7 
 
66 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 certain merchants in Pearl street. Of those wherein 
 Master Smirk was concerned I will endeavour to give 
 one or two, as I have heard them described by a friend 
 of mine, who happened to he present on the occasion. 
 
 The scene is a hotel, where there are present several 
 city merchants and clerks; also sundry gentlemen, sus- 
 pected to be country merchants. 
 
 Smirk. [Bowing genteelly to a stout looking stran- 
 ger.] Ahem ! I understand — ahem ! your name is — 
 
 Is*. Stranger. Vanderspogle. 
 
 Smirk. Ah, yes — Vanderspogle. From the country 
 I presume ? 
 
 1st. Stranger. Eheh! 
 
 Smirk. Come to purchase goods no doubt ? 
 
 1 st. Stranger. [Turning away.] Umph! 
 
 Smirk. [Following up.] You’ll \yant an assortment 
 of dry goods, I presume. 
 
 Is2. Stranger. You’re a presuming blockhead. 
 
 Smirk. [Bowing?] I beg your pardon, sir ; my bu- 
 siness is to sell goods. I belong to the firm of Smirk, 
 Gtuirk & Co. We keep the best articles, in our line, in 
 all the city of New- York. 
 
 1 st. Stranger. Well, you are at liberty to keep them, 
 so far as 3/m concerned. 
 
 Smirk. Shall be happy to accommodate you on the 
 lowest terms. 
 
 1 si. Stranger. You’re too low for me. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 67 
 
 Smirk. Too low! — Ah, sir, you’re joking now. 
 Surely every body likes to buy goods as cheap as they 
 can, I hope you’ll call — 
 
 1st. Stranger. If I were to call you any thing, it 
 would be — 
 
 Smirk. Smirk, sir ; my name is Smirk, of the firm 
 of Smirk, Quirk & Co., No. Pearl street. 
 
 Is/. Stranger. Whom do you take me for? 
 
 Smirk. Begging your pardon, sir^I took you for a 
 country merchant. 
 
 Is/. Stranger. Well, sir, If I am, I know where to 
 look for goods myself, and want none of your contempti- 
 ble tricks to draw me into a bargain. 
 
 Thus saying the bluff stranger turned his back short 
 upon Master Smirk, and left the room. The drummer, 
 being thus put to a non plus, stood for a moment or two 
 like one astounded : when recovering himself with ad- 
 mirable tact, he began to look about for some other per- 
 son on whom to exercise his skill. He pretty soon 
 espied a countrified looking fellow ; and approaching 
 him, with the usual quota of bows and smiles, he began 
 the following dialogue. 
 
 Smirk. Fine morning this, sir. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why, yes sir, considerably so. 
 
 Smirk. [Aside.] He’s my man — I’ll fasten him. — 
 Ahem ! sir — from the country I presume ? Come to 
 purchase goods no doubt? 
 
68 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why, yes sir, that’s my principal ob- 
 ject in coming to the city. 
 
 Smirk. My name is Smirk, of the house of Smirk, 
 Quirk & Co., a very celebrated establishment in the dry- 
 goods line — I think I may say the most so of any house 
 in Pearl street. 
 
 2d. Stranger. 1 dare say it is, though I never heard 
 of it before. 
 
 Smirk. Is it possible! Well, never mind, I shall be 
 happy to make you acquainted with it now. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Thank you, sir — you’re very kind. 
 
 Smirk. Oh, sir, we like to pay attention to stran- 
 gers. Our store is at No. Pearl street. Here is 
 
 our card. I hav’nt the pleasure of knowing your name, 
 but — 
 
 2d. Stranger. My name is Lookabout, for want of a 
 better. 
 
 Smirk. A better ! Oh, sir, it’s impossible to have a 
 better : and while you’re looking about, I hope you’ll 
 give us a call. You’ll want dry goods, of course; and 
 I’ll be bound to say you can’t do better than to deal 
 with us. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why I don’t know how that is. For 
 my part, I’m just setting up in the world as it were, and 
 shan’t purchase my goods until I’ve looked about to see 
 where I can get them cheapest. 
 
 Smirk. That’s right — perfectly right — I see you’re 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 69 
 
 a sharp one, and I like you the better for it. Y ou’re just 
 the man I like to deal with, because I’m certain I can 
 give you a bargain you’ll be pleased with. Rely upon it, 
 sir, you can’t do better than to trade with us. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why there it is now — every mer- 
 chant I suppose will say just the same — and who am I 
 to believe ? 
 
 Smirk. Us, by all me-ans, Mr. Lookabout. You’ll 
 never find the house of Smirk, Quirk & Co. otherwise 
 than just the thing. 
 
 2d. Stranger. What thing ? 
 
 Smirk. A — a — a— the — why, sir — I mean, sir, a— - 
 a — just what we are. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why, if that’s the case, then to be 
 sure — 
 
 Smirk. That’s exactly the case, I assure you. A — 
 a — by the by, do you ever go to the Theatre ? 
 
 2d. Stranger. I never have been yet — but I thought 
 I should before I left' the city. 
 
 Smirk. By all means. I shall be happy to treat 
 you to a ticket this evening. 
 
 2d. Stranger. I’m obliged to you* sir — very much 
 obliged to you. I thought I should go to the Museum 
 too. 
 
 Smirk. I shall be most happy to furnish you with a 
 ticket there likewise. 
 
 2d. Stranger. I’m very much obliged to you — 
 7 * 
 
70 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 you’re very kind. I thought I should go to see the 
 caravan of living beasts, and all the wonderful sights, 
 before I left the city. 
 
 Smirk. By all means, Mr. Lookabout. It shan’t cost 
 you a farthing. I do hope you’ll do us the pleasure to 
 call — our No. you’ll recollect — 
 
 2d. Stranger. Why, yes sir, I believe its here on 
 this card. 
 
 Smirk. So it is — I’d forgot. Don’t fail to call, sir. 
 You’ll excuse me now — I’m so much engaged — busi- 
 ness presses so hard — good morning, Mr. Lookabout. 
 [Exit. 
 
 2d. Stranger. Good morning, Mr. Smirk. — Ha, ha, 
 ha ! now I dare say he think’s he’s got me. But I’m not 
 so easily caught. I’ll go to the Theatre, to he sure, 
 and the Museum, and any other place he’ll invite me to, 
 so long as it costs me nothing. But as to buying goods, 
 I’ll get them where I please. 
 
 In this case poor Smirk was fairly deceived in his 
 man. I well recollect his coming to the store in high 
 glee — boast jng of the Johnny Raw he had caught, and 
 the money he calculated to make out of him. But his 
 glee was turned into chagrin, when, after treating him 
 to the Theatre, Museum, and various other amusements ; 
 his Johnny Raw, as he called him, purchased his goods 
 at another house. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 71 
 
 It is a part of the system of mercantile drumming, to 
 “ become all things to all men, in order to gain some.” 
 But the sum of what is aimed at, is a sum of money. 
 Drummers are apt to he exceedingly flexible in matters 
 of religion — ay, and of morals too — being orthodox with 
 the orthodox, and heterodox with the heterodox ; attend- 
 ing the church pvith those who incline churchward, and 
 going to the theatre with those who prefer the theatre ; 
 taking cold water with those who are opposed to bran- 
 dy, and drinking brandy with those who eschew cold 
 water. 
 
 Jacob Van Rant, a character well known in Pearl 
 street, was one of these accommodating drummers. I 
 will give a scene in proof. Meeting, one morning, 
 with our honest friend Lookabout, he commenced, as 
 follows : 
 
 Van Rant. Good morning, Mr. Lookabout. 
 
 Look. Good morning, sir. But you have the ad- 
 vantage of me. 
 
 Van Rant. [Aside.] I intend to have before we part. — * 
 The advantage of you ! how so ? 
 
 Look. Why you seem to know me, and I don’t seem 
 to know you. 
 
 Van Rant. Every thing is not as it seems, you 
 know, friend Lookabout. There is a great deal of 
 seeming piety, for instance, which is nothing but mere 
 rottenness and hypocrisy at bottom ; and a great deal 
 
72 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 seeming honesty and fair-dealing, which is merely a 
 cloak for roguery. Don’t you find it so, friend Look- 
 about. 
 
 Look. Why, perhaps I shall, now I’ve come to 
 New- York ; though the people in the back settlements, 
 where I come from, are in the main pretty honest ’spon- 
 sible sort of men. % 
 
 Van Rant. No doubt of it in the world. It’s the 
 people of this, ungodly city I meant to warn you against. 
 [Groaning.] There are a great many rogues, I grieve 
 to say it, in Pearl streetr— a great many persons, who, 
 while they sell goods and merchandize by wholesale, 
 also cheat and deceive by wholesale. 
 
 Look. I’m much obliged to you for the information. 
 But how shall a body know when they meet with these 
 ungodly rogues ? 
 
 Van Rant. AVhy,look at me now. My name is 
 Jacob Van Rant. I profess to be an honest man. 
 
 Look. Well, don’t the others do the same? 
 
 Van Rant. Ah! there’s wherein they deceive, sir. 
 Profession — mere profession. They are at heart the 
 very children of the Evil One. I thought it proper to 
 say this much to you in a friendly way, so that you 
 need’nt be taken in— -knowing you to be, in a great 
 measure, a stranger here. Now at my store I profess 
 to deal in the fear of God. For instance, I give one 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 73 
 
 half of all my profits in trade to certain devout and 
 charitable purposes — such as the endowment of — 
 
 Look. All ! then you’re the great Mr. Van Rant, that 
 I’ve heard so much about, are you ? 
 
 Van Rant. Not great — oh no, by no means. Hea- 
 ven forbid that I should be called great. I’ve done some 
 good in my time, to be sure ; and I deal very largely 
 in French goods. But my time is precious — I hope 
 you’ll call at my store. I feel a friendly yearning to- 
 wards you; and shall be happy to keep you out of the 
 clutches of those who are ready to clutch you — and 
 many such there are in Pearl street. I scorn to speak 
 ill of my neighbors — “ my kinsmen after the flesh” — but 
 my duty cempels me. I have a most extensive assort- 
 ment of French goods, and shall be happy to.suppl}r you 
 with any thing in my line. 
 
 Look. I dare say you would, Mr. Van Ranter. And 
 you’re not the first person that’s given me the same 
 invitation. Every merchant in New- York seems to be 
 looking after my custom. Strange what stories people 
 will tell ! I used to hear, before ever I came to the 
 city, that the people were as proud as the nation ; and 
 that they would’ nt speak to a man from the country, 
 unless ’twas the Patroon, or the Governor, or some such 
 big bug. But I find ’tis no such thing. For my part, 
 
 I never experienced so much attention in all my life, as 
 I have since I come to New- York. Every body bids 
 
74 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 me, Good morning, Mr. Lookabout. How do you do, 
 Mr. Lookabout ? I hope you’re well, Mr. Lookabout. 
 
 I shall be happy to see you at my store, Mr. Lookabout. 
 And they all want to trade with me. Every one sells 
 cheaper than the rest ; and every man has better goods 
 than his neighbor. I verily believe, if I stay a while 
 longer, I can get goods for nothing — and on two years’ 
 credit. I must say, as far as I’m acquainted with ’em, 
 the people of New- York — I mean the wholesale mer- 
 chants — are the politest and most accommodating gen- 
 tlemen I ever saw in my life. As fine as they look, and 
 genteel as they are drest, they are quite condescending. 
 They don’t seem to be in the least ashamed to be seen 
 talking to a country -looking man, or walking in the 
 streets with him either. They slip their arm into mine, 
 as familiar as though we’d been acquainted all our life- 
 time ; and they walk up and down the streets with me ; 
 and they take me to church on Sunday ; and — 
 
 Van Rant. What church do you attend, Mr. Look- 
 about ? 
 
 Look. Why, that’s just as it happens, Mr. Ranter. 
 Sometimes I go to the Middle Dutch, sometimes to Tri- 
 nity, and sometimes — 
 
 Van Rant. I hope you’ll go to our meeting this even- 
 ing. Dr. Rend-the-air is to preach. I shall be happy 
 to attend you, at half-past seven. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 75 
 
 hook. I’m much obliged to you, Mr. 
 
 Van Rani. Not at all, Mr. Lookabout. I consider 
 it my duty to lead strangers in the right way — especially 
 youngerly men like you, who, however piously inclined, 
 are beset with a thousand snares and temptations in an 
 ungodly city like this; and unless they have some con- 
 -scientious person to take them by the hand, and lead them 
 in the right way, may wander like lost sheep, and finally 
 fall into the hands of the Evil One, or some other whole- 
 sale dealer in precious souls. 
 
 Look. I’m much obliged to you, as I was saying — - 
 
 Van Rant. Not in the least, Mr. Lookabout. I take 
 a delight in doing good in general ; besides, I feel parti- 
 cularly interested in your welfare. There is something 
 in your countenance which powerfully reminds me that 
 you are cut out for good — and it would be a thousand 
 pities if you should come to evil, and all for want of some 
 friendly hand to — 
 
 Look. I’m much obliged to you, Mr. Van Ranter, 
 very much — 
 
 Van Rant. Don’t name it, my dear friend. I take 
 pleasure in doing good without fee or reward.— Ah, by 
 the by, did I give you my card ?- 
 
 Look. No sir. 
 
 Van Rant. Well, never mind. I liav’nt one in my 
 pocket now. But I keep at No- Pearl street. 
 
76 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Look. That’s just opposite Smirk, Quirk & Co.’s. 
 
 Van Rant. Opposite in every sense of the word, my 
 friend. It’s against my principles to speak evil of my 
 neighbors; but between you and me, Mr. Lookabout, 
 they’re a most profane and slippery set. They’ll take 
 you in, if possible. For my part, I scorn to solicit 
 any man to purchase my goods, but — hark ! the clock is 
 striking seven now. Will you go with me to hear Dr. 
 Rend-the-air. 
 
 Look. I cannot possibly this evening, for I’m just 
 going to the theatre. 
 
 Van Rant. Oh ! you attend the theatre, then, do you ? 
 I did’nt know that before. I really thought you was one 
 of those sober deaconish fellows, that would’nt be caught 
 in a theatre for the world : and I always like to accommo- 
 date myself to the morals and the consciences of my 
 friends. I’m very glad to hear you’re fond of the theatre ; 
 I’m fond of it myself, though I don’t wish it to be gen- 
 erally known ; and, now I think of it, I’ll accompany 
 you there, instead of going to hear Dr. Rend-the-air. 
 Between you and me, I’d rather hear old Barnes. 
 
 Look. It’s about time we were off. 
 
 Van Rant. That’s true, faith. Shall I have the 
 honor of your arm ? [Exit, with Lookabout. 
 
 Perhaps the most laughable scene of drumming is that 
 wherein one city merchant attempts to drum another, as 
 
TtlE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 77 
 
 sometimes happens through mistake : for so eager are 
 certain of the drumming class, that, whenever they meet 
 with a stranger, they do not wait to ascertain whether he 
 is a country merchant or not ; but, taking it for granted 
 he is such, forthwith endeavor to gobble him up before 
 he is appropriated by any of their fellow drummers. A 
 friend of mine was once attacked in this manner, by a 
 dealer in hardware and cutlery ; and being somewhat 
 fond of a joke, he humored the mistake, as in the fol- 
 lowing scene. Having lately gone to board at a certain 
 hotel, much infested with drummers, he was accosted by 
 one Simon Sharp, notorious in that line. 
 
 Sharp. Very hot weather to-day, Mr. Brown. 
 
 Brown. That seems to be the common opinion. 
 
 Sharp. Ahem ! have you purchased your hardware 
 and cutlery yet ? 
 
 Brown. I, sir? 
 
 Sharp. Yes ; you’ll want those things of course in 
 making up your assortment. 
 
 Brown. [Aside.] The fellow takes me for a coun- 
 try dealer. Good ! I’ll smoke him. — Ahem ! sir, how 
 do you sell iron feather beds by the groce. 
 
 Sharp. Iron feather beds ! I never heard of such a 
 thing. 
 
 Brown . No ! What sort of a hardware dealer are you 
 
78 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 that never heard of iron feather beds ? Why, sir, they are 
 all the fashion now in the north of Europe. 
 
 Shayp. Are they indeed ? Well, if that’s the case, 
 I’ll import some by the earliest opportunity : for I make 
 it a point to keep a perfect assortment in my line of bu- 
 siness. I’m sorry I hav’nt the article now ; but any 
 thing else you can name, I believe, I can accommodate 
 you with this instant. 
 
 Brown. Have you any steel shirt collars ? 
 
 Sharp. Steel what ? 
 
 Brown. Shirt collars. 
 
 Sharp. You must be joking now, Mr. Brown, I never 
 heard of the article before in my life. 
 
 Brown. Is it possible ? 
 
 Sharp. Never did. 
 
 Brown. You probably then never read Captain Long- 
 tong’s travels in Tartary, where the greatest gentry have 
 no other collars to their shirts but steel? 
 
 Sharp. Can’t say I have. My time is so taken up 
 with a multiplicity of business, that I hav’nt time to read 
 any thing in the world, except it may be a review of the 
 market, a price current, or some such matter. As to the 
 articles you name, I confess I hav’nt got them ; but any 
 thing else you can mention in my line, I’ll be bound I 
 can furnish you with. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 19 
 
 Brown,. Let me see — what else do I want ? 
 
 Sharp. Any scissors, penknives, razors — 
 
 Brown. Razors! heaven forefend! They’re too 
 sharp for me. No, 1 was trying to think of something 
 which I had seen or heard of somewhere. Let me see 
 — ah, I have it now. Copper hearth rugs— have you 
 any of them ? 
 
 Sharp. I’m sure you must be quizzing now, Mr. 
 Brown ! 
 
 Brown. Quizzing! Oh, no, sir — I’m a sober man of 
 business, and don’t deal in that article ; but if you have 
 any of the goods I have named — 
 
 Sharp. Sorry to say I have not ; but I’ll write to my 
 correspondent in Liverpool, by the very next packet. In 
 the mean time perhaps you’ll think of something which I 
 have. By the by, when do you leave the city ? 
 
 Brown. I shall not leave it at all. 
 
 Sharp. [Staring with surprise.] Not leave it ! 
 
 Brown. No, sir ; I do business in the dry-goods line, 
 at No. Pearl street. 
 
 Sharp. The devil you do ! I thought I was talking 
 all this time to a country merchant. 
 
 Brown. That’s a mistake you drummers are very apt 
 to fall into. You’re so eager to monopolize all the bu- 
 siness, that you don’t wait to ascertain whether a man is 
 a country merchant or not, before you commence — 
 
80 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 Sharp. I beg your pardon, sir — I — 
 
 Brown. Not at all ; so far as regards myself, you 
 are a very amusing fellow ; and if you will only keep 
 an assortment of iron feather beds, steel shirt collars, 
 and — 
 
 Sharp. Curse your iron feather beds ! I won’t be 
 quizzed any longer. [Exit, somewhat in a passion, and 
 mightily chop-fallen. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 81 
 
 CHAPTER X 
 
 In which the reader is initiated in the art of flying the kite, and 
 other modes of raising the wind . 
 
 Messrs. Smirk, Quirk & Co., who, like many other of 
 their mercantile brethren, had entered into business with 
 a credit larger than their capital, began to be in very 
 embarrassed circumstances : and to meet the daily de- 
 mands for money, were accustomed to resort to sundry 
 of the various shifts, which are well known by the phrase 
 of RoAsing the Wind. 
 
 Besides the very common one of shinning, and the 
 not very uncommon one of being shaved, they had fre- 
 quent recourse to Flying the Kite. The meaning of 
 this expression is well known in Pearl street ; but, for 
 the sake of the uninitiated, I must define it to be, a com- 
 bination between two persons, neither of whom has any 
 funds in bank, to raise money by an exchange of checks. 
 For instance, the kite-flyer takes his co-worker’s check, 
 say upon the Tradesmen’s Bank, which he deposites in 
 8 * 
 
82 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 the Bank of America, and draws the cash : while, on the 
 other hand, his co-worker takes his check on the Bank 
 of America, which he deposites in the Tradesmen’s 
 Bank, and in like manner draws the cash — each taking 
 care to deposite the requisite sum to meet his own check, 
 before the usual Bank exchanges are made on the morn- 
 ing of the next day — in default of which the manoeuvre 
 would be exposed, and his credit very much impaired, 
 if not entirely broken. 
 
 From this account, the reader will perceive that flying 
 the kite is rather a perilous adventure, and subjects its 
 votaries to no little risk of detection, which a man, who 
 values his credit as a sound and fair dealer, would by no 
 means he fond of hazarding. Nevertheless, it was fre- 
 quently done by the house of Smirk, Quirk & Co., who, 
 by a singular dexterity and good fortune, kept up a very 
 considerable show for some time, when all beneath was 
 perfectly hollow. 
 
 Another method, resorted to by these gentlemen for 
 sustaining their credit, was, the Hypothecation of Stock. 
 To hypothecate, means, neither more or less than, to 
 pledge. A man may hypothecate goods, notes, bank 
 stock, and whatever else belongs to him ; and he can do 
 so honorably, because they are his own property. But 
 my employers took a different and a bolder course. They 
 went more upon speculation. Indeed they had little re- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 <o 
 
 maining of their own which they could conveniently hy- 
 pothecate. They purchased goods on credit, and raised 
 the ready money by pledging them for as much as they 
 could get; which of course would generally he far be- 
 neath the price at which they were purchased. But this 
 they did not trouble themselves about not making any 
 particular calculations to pay the purchase money for the 
 goods, or to redeem them. These things, if they thought 
 of them at all, they left to the contingencies of providence. 
 Their design was, by hook or by croo n, to raise the wind. 
 Which way it should blow, and what should be the ul- 
 timate consequence, they did not trouble themselves to 
 inquire. It was an expedient of to-day ; and to-morrow 
 was left to shift for itself. 
 
 Thus my worthy masters went on, raising the wind by 
 one expedient or other, and keeping up a show of busi- 
 ness. But they could not continue long. The house, 
 that has no foundation, cannot stain Being detected in 
 flying the kite, that expedient now iailed them ; they 
 could no longer get trusted for stock, whereon to. raise 
 money by hypothecation. Shinning was out of the ques- 
 tion : and they had no more paper to be shaved. In short, 
 their credit was gone, and they Brut up shop. The fa- 
 mous house of Smirk, Quirk & Go. s.topt payment. They 
 went to pieces. 
 
84 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET 
 
 Such a catastrophe might have been foreseen. A 
 drummed- up custom, as I have already hinted, is suffi- 
 cient to ruin any house. But there were other reasons 
 which helped forward my masters. They lived at 
 rather a fast rate. Smirk was married, and boarded 
 himself and family at an extravagant price. Quirk 
 lived in equal style, and besides sported a gig and tan- 
 dem. And the third, and sole remaining partner, did 
 his share towards spending the income of the establish- 
 ment. 
 
 But the shock of failure did not come upon them 
 entirely unawares. They were in some measure pre- 
 pared for it : and when it did come, bore it with true 
 mercantile resignation. They neither shed tears, nor 
 wore weeper^. Though they gave sundry washer- 
 women, boot-blacks, tailors, clerks, and other unfortu- 
 nate persons, cause to weep for them. For my own 
 part, I was so fortunate as not to be left among the 
 creditors. I had not the faculty of pleasing my employ- 
 ers. I made very awkward work at drumming. In 
 my several attempts that way, during a stay of about 
 four months, I do not recollect to have secured a single 
 customer. It was not a business to my liking. I was 
 entirely out of my element ; and felt all the while like 
 a fool. I was either too modest, or too proud ; I have 
 not exactly settled which. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 85 
 
 Indeed I am not certain but I was too honest : for 
 I repeatedly caught myself telling the truth, very much 
 in opposition to my masters’ wishes. For instance, 
 when soliciting custom, in all dutiful compliance with 
 the commands of my superiors, I was naturally inquired 
 of as to the quality of the merchandize offered ; and 
 when I was expected to pronounce it unqualifiedly of 
 the first rate, I have frequently caught myself in saying 
 - — “ Um ! I don’t know — about so so — middling, per- 
 haps— or thereabouts” — and thus, before I thought of it, 
 “ damning” my employers’ goods “ with faint praise.” 
 Was such a man — so careless of letting out the truth — 
 fit for a drummer ? I felt that I was not, and m}/- mas- 
 ters felt it too. They declared I would be the ruin of 
 them — that I had no more sense nor conscience than to 
 tell the truth. And so Master Smirk, addressing me 
 one day, sometime previous to their failure, said, 11 Mr, 
 Hazard — ahem ! — I say, Mr. Hazard” — * 
 
 “ Very well, sir,” 
 
 “ Very well, sir ! — do you call it very well, sir % I 
 say, sir, it is not very well. Egad, sir ! and by gad, 
 sir ! you don’t answer our expectations. We’re disap- 
 pointed in you. You drum so d— * — d awkwardly, 
 that — ahem ! — that”— 
 
86 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 “ Very well, sir.” 
 
 “ I dismiss you at once, sir.” 
 
 “ Thank you, sir ” 
 
 Mr. Smirk, while the fit was on him, paid my salary, 
 of which I had received nothing till that time ; and I 
 departed to seek my fortune in a different employ. 
 
 The house of Smirk, Quirk & Co., as I have hint- 
 ed, had foreseen their failure, and got prepared for it. 
 Some time before the final crash, Peter Funk had been 
 very busy in various parts of the store, making a false* 
 show, and contriving, as well as possible, to keep up 
 appearances. Every exertion was at the same time 
 made by drumming to get off as much of the remaining 
 stock as possible ; to get such paper as they could in its 
 room ; and to get that paper shaved on any terms they 
 could command. As much stock also, as could be ob- 
 tained, was purchased for hypothecation ; and the last 
 flying of the kite, was for a higher amount than usual. 
 Putting all these ways and means together, the house 
 of Smirk, Quirk & Co. did not fail empty handed. 
 They reserved enough to dash upon for two or three 
 years. The contents of the store were indeed surren- 
 dered to their creditors, But what were they? Little 
 else was to be found, except “ a beggarly account of 
 empty boxes,” Even Peter Funk, who had figured so 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 87 
 
 largely for some time previous, had deserted the pre- 
 mises. Whether he came in for his share of the divid- 
 end of five per cent, I never could learn. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 89 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 Wherein are certain grave matters touching the intellectual 
 character of clerks. 
 
 My dismission from the employ of Messrs. Smirk, 
 Quirk & Co. was for me, in every respect, a fortunate 
 circumstance. Besides getting my pay, which I should 
 not have done had I continued much longer, I very soon 
 got into better employ and at a much higher salary. 
 
 I had accidently formed an acquaintance with John 
 and James Steady, of the firm of Steady & Sons. I think 
 it was at a meeting of the Mercantile Library Associa- 
 tion, while these young men were yet in their father’s 
 establishment. I had, on my first engagement in Broad- 
 way, become a member of that Association, where I 
 formed an acquaintance with many respectable young 
 men, some of whom have continued my fast friends ever 
 since. Among these were the two sons of Thomas 
 Steady, who, as soon as I was dismissed from the em- 
 9 
 
90 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 ploy of Smirk, Quirk & Co., with the entire approba- 
 tion of their father, took me into their own. 
 
 They knew, both father and sons, in what manner I 
 had been discharged ; but considering by whom, and for 
 what cause, they declared they esteemed it rather a re- 
 commendation than otherwise. The elder Steady, in 
 particular, congratulated me on my escape from a mise- 
 rable drumming concern. He said, that, besides taking 
 a man from the legitimate duties of his clerkship, it was 
 apt to engender bad habits : to beget idleness, imperti- 
 nence, ' and a disregard for truth. “ It is,” said he, “ a 
 mistaken notion that a man must lie, flatter, intrigue, or 
 practice any of what are called the tricks of trade, in 
 order to make his way in the world. Besides being 
 dishonest and beneath the dignity of a man of sense, it 
 does not help him in the end. He may proceed more 
 rapidly at first. But it is like a man’s rushing headlong 
 towards a precipice : the faster he goes, the sooner he 
 will be dashed in pieces. Trade cannot long be forced. 
 A patient and steady perseverance, a fair and honorable 
 course of dealing, will ultimately produce the best re- 
 sults. Yes, young man, I consider your awkwardness 
 and want of tact in drumming, rather as a recommenda- 
 tion in your favor. So far from proving that you are 
 unfit for mercantile pursuits, it seems to me pretty good 
 evidence that you are the better fitted for the proper 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 91 
 
 duties of your station ; and that you have a sense of pro- 
 priety, honesty, and independence, which give dignity 
 and respectability to the mercantile character.” 
 
 Mr. Steady was also pleased to commend the interest I 
 took in the Mercantile Library. He had been one of 
 the first to encourage this useful institution, and to aid 
 in its endowment. He entertained a just value of the 
 importance of education in raising the character of the 
 mercantile community. He did not think, like many 
 other men of his profession, that a mere knowledge of 
 accounts, a capacity for writing a dashing hand, and a 
 sort of impudent tact at puffery, were all that was neces- 
 sary to form an accomplished merchant. Though he 
 insisted on a correct knowledge of his business as a 
 first requisite, he would not have the merchant stop 
 there ; he would not have him be content, like a blind 
 horse in a mill, to be forever plodding onward in the 
 same dull round of employment, without ever seeing a 
 step before him. He rightly considered that it was no 
 disparagement to any man to know something beyond 
 the mere routine of his professional duties ; and that a 
 man, whatever his occupation might be, was just in that 
 degree elevated in the scale of respectability, as he hap- 
 pened to be imbued with general knowledge. 
 
 The Mercantile Library Association, he saw, would 
 have a tendency to elevate the character of clerks, by 
 
92 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 giving them a taste for reading and for intellectual pur- 
 suits ; and that, instead of spending their leisure hours 
 in the frivolous, and perhaps vicious pastimes into 
 which young men arc too prone to run, they would em- 
 ploy themselves with books : and thus, while their 
 habits of sobriety, virtue, and steady application were 
 preserved, they could not fail at the same time of im- 
 proving their minds in a greater or less degree. 
 
 These ideas of the worthy and intelligent merchant 
 have since been verified — nay, perhaps exceeded. At 
 the time I speak of, the Institution was new, and per- 
 haps the advantages now enjoyed by the young men of 
 New- York — particularly the annual lectures, as given 
 at Clinton Hall — were not then contemplated by the 
 warmest advocates of the Association. The intellectual 
 character of clerks, within the last dozen years, is 
 decidedly improved. And if the intellectual, then the 
 moral : for I take it to be an acknowledged truth, that 
 the improvement of the heart generally keeps pace with 
 that of the head ; and that the more intelligent a com- 
 munity is, the more moral. Need I quote the enlight- 
 ened city of Boston ? need I name the land furnished 
 with schools by the pilgrims ? need I mention the little 
 towns in Massachusetts and Connecticut, almost every 
 one of which has its public library? In a word, need 
 I speak of New England generally, in proof of the pu- 
 rifying influence of intellectual improvement ? 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 93 
 
 But an improvement in the respectability of clerks, 
 must naturally he followed by a corresponding improve- 
 ment in that of merchants ; who, as the world goes, are 
 generally made out of clerks. And if any gentleman, 
 who was conversant with Pearl street a dozen years 
 ago, will take the trouble to examine it now, he will 
 find a more intellectual atmosphere ; he will find that 
 the fogs of ignorance have very much dispersed, and 
 that the light of knowledge now gives a brighter and 
 more agreeable aspect to the scene. 
 
 But to return to my narrative. My situation, as the 
 reader will naturally conclude, was a very eligible one. 
 I was employed by one of the most respectable houses 
 in the city. I was diligently employed during the 
 hours of business; but I was not expected to solicit 
 custom, to keep watch of strangers at the hotels, nor to 
 spend my odd hours in drumming, as I had been under 
 my late employers. I felt this to be a great relief, not 
 only because I was rid of a very disagreeable service, but 
 because I had leisure to cultivate my taste for reading 
 and improve my mind with useful knowledge. 
 
 The house of Thomas Steady & Sons was famed for 
 its accuracy in the transaction of business, as well as for 
 promptness in the discharge of its pecuniary engage* 
 ments ; so that, while it was to me a sort of school in 
 mercantile pursuits, I ran no hazard of quitting the con- 
 
 9 * 
 
94 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 cern with empty pockets. My salary was now a thou- 
 sand dollars per annum ; and my money was punctually 
 paid once a quarter. 
 
 As I have before said, 1 had early become a member 
 of the Mercantile Library Association. I took a parti- 
 cular interest in this establishment. I punctually at- 
 tended all its meetings, and exerted all the influence I 
 possessed in adding to and improving the library. I 
 am not certain but I went so far as to spout, at one of the 
 meetings, on some question or other. At any rate, I 
 began to be something of a man among the leading 
 clerks of the Association — at least my friends assured me 
 I was, and I was pretty well disposed to believe them. 
 They insisted on running me for Vice President, and I 
 felt proud of the idea of being run — not making any 
 calculation whatever of being run down. 
 
 Well, the election came on ; my friends, among whom 
 were John and James Steady, were active and respecta- 
 able ; but they were not so numerous as my opponents ; 
 and so I lost my election. Some of my flatterers as- 
 sured me there was a “ malign influence,” operating 
 against me : otherwise I could not have failed of being 
 chosen. For my part, I begged they would not trouble 
 themselves, nor me, further on the subject. I declared 
 to them I was perfectly satisfied. The will of the ma- 
 jority was fairly expressed ; and to that, both they and I 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 95 
 
 were bound cheerfully to submit. And as I expressed 
 myself, so I acted. I was guided throughout by the 
 true republican principle, that office was only to be 
 sought for the good of the whole ; and that if I could 
 not serve them in a public capacity, it should not prevent 
 me from doing my best to serve them in a private one. 
 

 * 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 97 
 
 CHAPTER XI L 
 
 Wherein the hero resolves on a perilous adventure. 
 
 I continued two years with Steady & Sons ; and I 
 have more than once had reason to repent, that I did 
 not continue longer. But, like many other young 
 men, I felt an itching desire to rush into trade ; to com- 
 mence business on my own account. I could not 
 endure the idea of clerking it, and merely laying up 
 the moderate sum of live hundred dollars a year. I 
 wanted to grow rich apace. And then, besides, I was 
 desirous to figure as principal, instead of clerk. 
 
 It is true, I had hut a thousand dollars in the world, 
 the gains of my two years with Steady & Sons. But 
 a fellow clerk of mine, smit with the same desire of 
 figuring as a merchant, had an equal sum. We pro- 
 posed to club our purses, and with our two thousand 
 dollars, as joint stock, commence a wholesale business. 
 This was certainly a very moderate capital ; hut then 
 we calculated, in addition thereto, to obtain credit for 
 goods to the amount of at least thirty thousand more. 
 
the perils of pearl street. 
 
 This would enable us to comence business on a very 
 respectable footing, though not a very sure one. Never- 
 theless many a house had begun the world with less 
 real capital than even two thousand dollars ; perhaps 
 without so mucn as two thousand mills. And yet they 
 had grown rich ; at least we had heard of such in- 
 stances ; and, indeed, had some very worthy examples 
 before us, then in Pearl street. And, without consider- 
 ing the numerous contrary examples, we thus reasoned : 
 If others have grown rich from such very moderate be- 
 ginnings, why may not we? Fortune is the same 
 kind, beneficent goddess that she ever was. She has 
 showered wealth with an unsparing hand into the laps 
 of others ; why may she not into ours ? We are equally 
 deserving of her favors. At all events, we will court 
 them. 
 
 My employers were still desirous of retaining me ; 
 and spoke in very flattering terms of my capacity, in- 
 dustry, and faithfulness. The elder Steady also — being 
 more cautions through age, as well as more acquainted 
 with the shoals and breakers of trade — set before me the 
 difficulties I should have to encounter ; the wearisome 
 days and the sleepless nights I must pass, in providing 
 the ways and means to support the credit of our establish- 
 ment. That allowing for the best, we had nine chances 
 in ten for a failure; and that considering the fictitious 
 
THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 99 
 
 capital on which we chiefly relied, ten chances out of 
 ten for a failure, were nearer the mark. 
 
 This was very discouraging language ; and much as 
 I esteemed Mr. Thomas Steady for his love of truth, his 
 kind feelings, and his friendship towards me, I could 
 not help suspecting — alas, how unjustly! — that he was 
 actuated in some measure hy a selfish desire of retain- 
 ing me in his service. I thanked him therefore for his 
 friendly remarks ; hut expressed anew my determination 
 of commencing business on my own account, 
 
 “Well,” said the old gentleman, “if you will venture 
 upon the perilous ocean of trade, and in so frail a hark : 
 all I have to say, is, to wish you a prosperous voyage ; 
 and to own that I admire your spirit of enterprise, 
 though I cannot say as much in favor of your prudence, 
 What I have remarked of the troubles and difficulties of 
 mercantile life, and the narrow chances of success after 
 all your perils and hazards, has been the result of obser- 
 vation and experience during a long course of trade. 
 Though, thanks to a kind providence, I have thus far 
 been able to weather every storm, and too keep my head 
 above water ; I have seen so many others sinking 
 around me, that I am apt to consider each new adven- 
 turer as one more candidate for shipwreck. 
 
 “ But an old man is apt to grow cautious, as well as 
 garrulous ; and since you are resolved on your course, 
 I would not say any thing which may damp the ardor 
 
100 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 of your spirit. I should be glad to have retained you 
 longer in our employ ; but much as I esteem your ser- 
 vices, my remarks have not been dictated in a selfish 
 spirit : and, since you will venture forth, again I say. go 
 on and prosper.’’ 
 
THE PERiLS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 101 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Which shows how to embark in a considerable business, with an 
 inconsiderable capital. 
 
 The name of the young man, with whom I was about 
 to embark in trade, was Alfred Launch. He had been 
 a clerk in the same employ as myself; though for a 
 somewhat longer period. He had a year or two more 
 of age than myself ; though not a whit more of pru- 
 dence. We were a couple of rash block-heads. But 
 more of that hereafter. 
 
 We took a store in Pearl street, in a very tolerable 
 location, and engaged to pay a rent of one thousand 
 dollars. We got in a stock of dry-goods, for which we 
 paid two thousand dollars cash, and gave our notes, pay- 
 able in six months, for thirty thousand more. We en- 
 gaged as many clerks and apprentices as we thought 
 necessary ; we hoisted a guild ed sign over our door ; we 
 advertised in two of the morning papers ; and, in a word, 
 we resolved to make our fortune. 
 
 We came out under the title of Launch & Hazard, 
 
 10 
 
102 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 The priority of place was given to the name of my as s 
 sociate, partly on account of his superior age, and partly 
 for the sake of euphony. Hazard & Launch would 
 have sounded too abrupt ; would have broken off too 
 short. It would not ha ve “ run trippingly on the tongue,’ ’ 
 like Launch & Hazard. And a well-sounding title is 
 not to be despised. 
 
 Launch & Hazard then was the name of the new 
 jobbing house, No. — — Pearl street. I need hardly 
 inform my readers that wholesale merchants are divided 
 into three classes — to wit, Importers , Auctioneers, and 
 Jobbers . The latter purchase of the two former. They 
 buy by the bale or package, and sell by the piece. They 
 job out their sales, if the term be allowable. Hence 
 they are called jobbers. 
 
 There have been at times a good deal of jealousy and 
 dissension between the jobbers and the auctioneers. 
 They are in some measure rivals. Both sell to the re- 
 tail dealer ; and the jobbers complain that the auctioneers 
 injure their regular business by selling as low to the 
 country, or retail merchant, as to them. The auction- 
 eers reply, That it is no concern of ours; it is our bu- 
 siness to sell our goods, and find purchasers where we 
 can. 
 
 Several bitter wars have sprung up, and raged for a 
 time, both by word and newspaper, between these two 
 classes. The jobbers swore they would not buy of the 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 103 
 
 auctioneers at any rate, and entered into combinations 
 for that purpose. For a while they carried the day : 
 but the knights of the hammer were at length triumph- 
 ant. Again the jobbers combined, and resolved, if they 
 must purchase of the auctioneers, not to give endorsed 
 paper — not to trouble themselves to find security for the 
 payment of their notes ; but merely to give as good as 
 they got from their own customers. And herein they 
 were too many for the auctioneers. They carried the 
 day ; and have maintained it ever since. 
 
 But to return to ourselves — viz. Launch & Hazard. 
 We commenced business under very fair auspices ; if 
 those, who begin nearly altogether on a fictitious capi- 
 tal, may properly be said so to commence. By fair aus- 
 pices I mean that no malignant star, so far as we could 
 discover, hung over us. Our atmosphere was clear and 
 bright. No threatning cloud “ lowered upon our house .’ 1 
 We were at liberty to sell as many goods as we could 
 find purchasers to trust withal. And nobody had a 
 right to question our right to sell to whom we could. 
 
 In the matter of gaining customers, we felt at liberty 
 to make use of all fair and honorable means. But for 
 drumming, we resolved unanimously, that whoever 
 chose, might drum, we would not. The dignity of the 
 house of Launch & Hazard was not to be compromised 
 by so low a procedure. It could not descend to the 
 petty tricks and quackery of trade. It could not employ 
 
104 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 spies and scouts to beset the steam-boats, the hotels, and 
 the boarding houses — to “go out” as it were “into the 
 highways and hedges, to compel buyers to come in ” 
 No, the firm of Launch & Hazard would pursue a more 
 fair, honorable, and independent course. It would wel- 
 come customers to its doors ; but it would not run about 
 to solicit them. 
 
 We were not long in want of purchasers. We had, 
 while clerks, made some acquaintance among the custo- 
 mers of our employers. We had also friends and ac- 
 quaintances of our own in the country ; particularly, in 
 the places we severally came from. We had otherwise 
 too, in the course of our various social relations, made 
 acquaintances to considerable extent. All these were of 
 use to us in the way of business. Some purchased, and 
 others recommended. Some bought our goods, to en- 
 courage us, because we were enterprising young men. 
 Others purchased our goods, out of good will to our per 
 sons; and because, in the Yankee sense of the term, 
 they knew us to be very clever fellows. And others 
 again, because our establishment was new, and there- 
 fore they took it for granted we would sell cheap. 
 
 In short, from one cause or other, we very soon had a 
 tolerable run of custom. We did as much as some of 
 our neighbors ; though we did not make so great a show 
 of bales and boxes, piled before our door. We did not 
 wholly block up the side-walk, so that passengers must 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 105 
 
 per force come into our shop, or turn into the middle of 
 the street, as many others that I could name, were in the 
 habit of doing. We did not proceed on the principle of 
 force, solicitation, or deception We emyloyed no trick 
 whatever. We had no connexion at all with Peter 
 Funk; we never employed him in any way; nor allow 
 ed him to show himself, in any shape Avhatever, upon 
 our premises. 
 
 The little rascal may have owed us a grudge for this ; 
 for though he is considered in the main to be a pretty 
 good natured fellow, he is not entirely free from malice 
 and revenge ; and his opportunities of working mischieh 
 when his Protean faculty of changing shape is consid- 
 ered, must be allowed to be somewhat formidable. 
 
 10* 
 
* 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET, 
 
 107 
 
 CHAPTER XIV 
 
 Exhibiting a certain noted character , at an auction room , in rather 
 a ludicrous pickle. 
 
 Though we excluded Peter Funk entirely from our 
 own premises and employ, it was our misfortune fre- 
 quently to come in contact with him, while in the em- 
 ploy of others — particularly at the auction rooms. As 
 though he had set up a determined rivalry against us, 
 he seem resolved to be our antagonist in the purchase of 
 every article of goods — at least, until we had bid consid- 
 erably more than it was worth ; when the unconscion- 
 able scoundrel would say, “ I must let you take it, I 
 believe — I can’t afford to give any more;” and then he 
 and the auctioneer, giving each other a knowing wink, 
 would laugh in their sleeves. 
 
 As the purchasing partner of our concern, it fre- 
 quently happened to me to meet this imp of deception. 
 I could no sooner fix my eye on a tolerable piece of 
 
108 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 goods, and say to myself, bidders are not numerous to- 
 day — I shall get a bargain ; than up would step Peter 
 Funk, and begin to bid against me. Sometimes, when 
 the article had been under the hammer for a consider- 
 able time, the price still continuing very low, and the 
 auctioneer crying out, “ I can’t dwell, gentlemen, I can’t 
 dwell — it must go,” seemed on the very point of knock- 
 ing it down to me ; Peter Funk all at once would rise, 
 as it were out of the cellar, and commence bidding ; and 
 so all my hopes of a bargain would at once be blown to 
 the moon. 
 
 I recollect, one day, when I was bidding upon some 
 very fine broadcloth ; buyers were few, bids were feeble, 
 and I seemed to be on the very point of getting it for the 
 low price of twenty shillings per yard. The auctioneer 
 kept bawling, and stamping, and hammering away — 
 “ Twenty shillings, once ! twenty shillings, twice ! twen- 
 ty shillings, three” — 
 
 Now, thinks I to myself, I’ve got the start of Peter 
 Funk. He’s not here to-day. I’ll have the goods at 
 my own price. “ Come, strike them off,” said I to the 
 auctioneer ; “ there’s no use in dwelling so long.” 
 
 “ Twenty shillings, three” — the auctioneer had got his 
 hammer raised, apparently just ready to strike ; when 
 suddenly glancing about, he cried, “Twenty-one! — do 
 i hear it ?” 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 109 
 
 “ Ay, I’ll give twenty-one,” said a voice, which, 
 though it sounded strangely, I suspected to he no other 
 than that of Peter Funk. 
 
 There’s that imp of mischief again, said I to myself ; 
 however, he shall not have the goods so cheap as that 
 comes to : and so I cried out, “ Twenty-two!” 
 
 “ Twenty-three!” said the voice. 
 
 “ Twenty-four !” said I. 
 
 “ Twenty-five!” said the voice. 
 
 “ Twenty-six!” said I. 
 
 “ Twenty-seven!” cried the voice. 
 
 Tw r enty-eight !” exclaimed I. 
 
 “ Twenty-nine !” shouted the voice. 
 
 “ Thirty!” added I. For my part, I had now gone 
 as far as I intended ; not hut that the cloth was really 
 worth more money; but I resolved to stop there, partly 
 because I knew by experience that there was little use 
 in bidding against Peter, and partly that I might have 
 an opportunity of knowing what my antagonist was 
 made of, and, if I chose, dispute the purchase with him. 
 
 “ Thirty-one !” said the voice ; and dwelling for some 
 time, the auctioneer cried, “ Thirty-one shillings, three 
 times ! John Smith, thirty-one shillings— -takes the 
 whole lot.” 
 
 “ Who takes the whole lot ?” said I. 
 
 “ John Smith,” said the auctioneer, 
 
 “I doubt it, very much,” said I 
 
no 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET- 
 
 ‘• You doubt it!” returned the auctioneer, beginning 
 to grow red with passion. “ My word is not to be doubt- 
 ed by any man ; and I say the goods are struck off to 
 John Smith.” 
 
 “ Alias Peter Funk,” said I, looking sharply in the 
 face of the auctioneer, Avho began to look blank, and 
 hardly knew which way to turn. “ And now,” con- 
 tinued I, “let this Peter Funk, alias John Smith, alias 
 Tom Jones, or any other alias you please, come for- 
 ward and show his face. I wish to see who the buyer 
 is” 
 
 “ I’ve already told you,” said the auctioneer. “ If you 
 doubt my word — ” 
 
 “ And I’ve already told you I doubted it,” said I. 
 
 “ Come, gentlemen,” said he, “ let us go on with the 
 sale — here’s another sample of — ” 
 
 “No! no!” exclaimed twenty voices — “let us first 
 see who John Smith is, alias Peter Funk.” 
 
 The poor auctioneer now began to be in trouble. He 
 had not been careful to provide a visible substitute ; and 
 he now began to look imploringly about for some one to 
 step forward, as John Smith the purchaser. I could 
 perceive, that he every now and then glanced his eyes 
 furtively at a certain large box, which stood near him. 
 
 “ What have you in that box,” said I, “Mr. Knock?” 
 for that was the name of the auctioneer. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Ill 
 
 What have I ? why goods, to be sure .’ 5 
 
 “ I did’nt know but it might be John Smith, alias Peter 
 Funk;” 
 
 “ I’ll bet a dollar it is,” said one of the crowd. 
 
 “ I’ll go your halves,” said another ; and they seemed to 
 be making their way towards the box, as if to examine 
 its contents. 
 
 “ Come, don’t let us waste time, gentlemen,” said the 
 auctioneer, “ I certainly thought I heard Mr. Smith’s 
 voice ; but it seems I was mistaken, and of course the 
 goods belong to Mr. Hazard, as the highest bidder.” 
 Then looking towards the clerk, he said, “ Mr. Hazard, 
 thirty shillings.” 
 
 I was content with my purchase; and though I 
 shrewdly suspected that Peter Funk — the villain who 
 had made me pay ten shillings per yard more for the 
 goods than I should otherwise have got them for — was 
 concealed in the large box, I had no design to trouble my- 
 self with the rascal, or further expose the auctioneer 
 Not so, however, with others who were present — partic- 
 ularly a number of stout countrymen, who were deter- 
 mined to see what sort of a fellow Peter Funk was. 
 
 “ Come, gentlemen,” said the auctioneer, looking unea- 
 sily at the suspicious box, “ here’s another fine specimen 
 of broadcloth — much superior to the last — what’s bid ? 
 Any thing you please. Is three dollars bid? Is t«^nty 
 
112 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 shillings bid ? Any thing you please. Two dollars — - 
 does any body say two dollars ?” 
 
 “ No,” said one of the countrymen, “let us see Peter 
 Funk” 
 
 “ Yes,” said another, “ let us see Peter Funk — let us 
 know what kind of a looking fellow he is.” 
 
 With that, a number of them, pressing forward to the 
 box, tore off the cover, and up rose the very fellow they 
 were looking for — the identical Peter Funk. He look- 
 ed prodigiously foolish, to be so caught ; and at first, 
 hardly knew which way to turn himself. But pretty 
 soon recovering all his native impudence, he tapped his 
 snuff-box with an air of defiance, took a large pinch, and 
 was about returning it to his breeches-pocket ; when one 
 of his persecutors, snatching the box out of his hand, 
 discharged the contents in the little fellow’s eyes. This 
 was only the signal for further mischief. They now 
 pulled him out of his hiding place, blinded as he was 
 with snuff, and hoisting him over their heads, they 
 passed him on to their next neighbors, and they to their 
 next, and so on, a la Tammany Hall , until he was finally 
 landed in the middle of the street. 
 
 Poor Peter Funk ! he picked himself up, rubbed the 
 snuff out of his eyes, brushed the dirt from his unmen- 
 tionables, and disappeared amidst the shouts and hoot- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 113 
 
 ings of the boys ; and so much was he mortified by his 
 sad pickle, or so much were his eyes inflamed by the 
 snuff, that he did not show his face in an auction room 
 for a whole fortnight afterwards. 
 

THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 115 
 
 CHAPTER XV 
 
 Containing a peep into a bank , just before three. 
 
 Six months soon passed over the house of Launch & 
 Hazard. I say soon, because, though it was the fuli 
 half of three hundred and sixty-five days, it seemed to 
 he of exceedingly short duration — -scarcely more than a 
 winter’s day. 
 
 Time, as every body knows, flies swift to those who are 
 interestingly employed. Both those who are immersed 
 in business, and those who are immersed in pleasure, 
 scarcely note the period of his duration. But there is 
 another class to whom time flies swift ; or, as Shaks- 
 peare says, “ gallops withal.” I mean those who are 
 in expectation of a certain evil day, the time of whose 
 advent is fixed, and whose coming is sure. And, not 
 to mention those who are going to the gallows, as is 
 done by honest Motley in Shakspeare ; time may be 
 said to gallop withal — and to gallop fast enough — with all 
 such as have notes to pay, by a specified time — a day, 
 an hour, a minute — and know not where to get the 
 
116 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 money. These, though they are in no danger of being 
 literally hung for a failure of prompt payment, are 
 assured nevertheless that it will prove the gibbet of their 
 credit, to be caught in such a delinquency. To he 'pro- 
 tested ! and all for want of an hour’s delay ! Time 
 may indeed be pronounced to gallop withal. 
 
 As for ourselves, I mean the house of Launch & 
 Hazard, we had apparently gone on in a tolerably 
 prosperous manner. We had sold a very considerable 
 quantity of goods, for a new establishment; and, for 
 aught we knew, to such persons as would pay for them, 
 at the time specified. 
 
 But the end of the first six months, to all new houses 
 not built on real capital, is apt to be a time of peril — a 
 most dangerous crisis. As the revolution was the pe- 
 riod which “tried men’s souls,” so this is that which 
 tries men’s purses. More debts become due, than the 
 means come in for discharging them. The merchant 
 has irfoney out, when he wants money in. His debtors 
 are all over the country, while his creditors are near at 
 hand. When he is commanded to pay, his resources 
 are not at command. 
 
 Then his creditors are not so lenient to him, as he is 
 to his debtors. His creditors are mostly the banks, 
 where his paper has been discounted, or lodged for 
 collection. And a bank, as many a poor fellow has 
 experienced, has no soul. It has no compassion what- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 117 
 
 ever. It will not only have the pound of flesh specified, 
 but it will have it at the time specified. Y ou may wait 
 as long as you will of your own debtors ; the hank will 
 not wait of you. It declares, Now only is the accepted 
 time— now only is the hour, the minute of payment. 
 The clock strikes three — the dreadful three !— and 
 the hour, the minute of grace is past. Y ou are handed 
 over to the notary public. You are protested for non- 
 payment. Your credit is gone. 
 
 Having mentioned a notary public, it is perhaps 
 proper that I should give some account of that charac- 
 ter, as employed in AVall street. 
 
 A Notary Public then, in a hank, may be said to 
 perform much the same office as the devil is represented 
 to do in the other world. He acts in a similar capacity, 
 namely, to take charge of delinquents ; to become the 
 instrument of punishing those who have been dilatory 
 in the discharge of their obligations ; who have not been 
 prepared for the last and important hour. In a word, he is 
 a s yft of caco-demon, who is employed to make men 
 miserable on earth, instead of the other world. But his 
 office is more invidious than even that of the old Gene- 
 ral Tormenter. The latter is the agent only for pu- 
 nishing moral delinquences ; the former is employed to 
 scourge misfortunes. I leave it to the. reader to judge, 
 
 which is the more creditable office. 
 
 11 * 
 
118 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 It is curious to be in a bank when the clock strikes 
 three — to be there as a spectator, and not as the drawer 
 of a note which is unpaid. There you may see a pile 
 of unlucky paper, waiting to be taken up. There you 
 may see the notary public, watching the hour-hand of 
 the clock, and smiling maliciously as it approaches three. 
 Y ou may see his eye glance from the fated pile of notes 
 to the door, and from the door to the pile of notes — 
 watching carefully to see how many persons come in, 
 how fast the pile diminishes, and what is the probable 
 chance of his making a profitable swoop, when the 
 fatal minute arrives. 
 
 At last the hour-hand ranges horizontally, the mi- 
 nute hand perpendicularly; the former points to the 
 right, the latter points upwards. The hand of the nota- 
 ry is poised, palm dowmwards, over the pile of notes, 
 like a hawk ready to pounce upon a brood of chickens. 
 You may observe a sort of nervous twitching, or invo- 
 luntary contraction of the fingers, as if they could hardly 
 be restrained from clutching, even before the fatal mi- 
 nute. 
 
 At length the clock strikes: one! the hand of the 
 notary descends a little ; two ! it falls nearly to the pile ; 
 three ! it grasps the entire heap ; and the notary, look- 
 ing about with a smile of satisfaction, leaves the bank, 
 to go and make out his protests and chuckle over his 
 gains. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 119 
 
 In regard to the latter, he is not very particular whe- 
 ther they are legal or not ; and herein he again shows 
 his caco-demonic principles. The law fixes the fee of 
 protest at fifty cents. The notary exacts one dollar 
 fifty 1 Besides this extortionate fee, when a protest is 
 actually served, he charges an unlawful seventy-five 
 cents, when the note is paid within an hour of its becom- 
 ing due, and of course no protest is yet made. The law 
 gives him leave to torment, and specifies the amount of 
 infliction ; hut he outruns the law. 
 
 Such are some of the miseries and vexations incident 
 to the mercantile life. If I have described the above 
 strongly, it is because I have had occasion to feel deep- 
 ly. If I should ever again fall into the hands of the 
 notaries, I shall of course expect no mercy ; and shall 
 look to pay three dollars at least for a protest, instead of 
 one dollar fifty cents. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 121 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Which , besides other interesting matters, contains some account 
 of the perilous exercise of shinning. 
 
 The portentous period of six months, which I have 
 said is apt to be so pregnant of perils to the young mer- 
 chant, did not find the house of Launch & Hazard en- 
 tirely free from danger. On the contrary, we began to 
 be beset with a variety of difficulties. Notes and 
 accounts of various kinds were becoming due on every 
 side. We were called upon for our second quarter’s 
 rent. We were dunned for the payment of clerks’ 
 salaries. We were horrified with the sight of hoard- 
 hills. But, what was worst of all, our notes to im- 
 porters and auctioneers were becoming due. We 
 could get some little respite on the other demands. We 
 •could tell our clerks a fine story; we could tell our 
 landlord another ; and we could put off our landlady 
 with a third. But the holders of our notes could not 
 be so easily dealt with. The banks could not be quiet- 
 ed with a sop of fair words. 
 
 Originally we had entered into a league of amity and 
 
122 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 commerce — if I may so speak — with another new house, 
 nearly as rich as our own. The-sum-and-substance of 
 this treaty was, that the house of Launch"" & Hazard 
 was to endorse for the house of Gumption & Plunket j 
 and, vice versa , the house of Gumption & Plunket was 
 to endorse for the house of Launch & Hazard. Thus, 
 empty -handed as we were on both sides, we were to help 
 fill each other’s pockets ; to aid and assist one another, 
 by means of our respective credit, the foundation where- 
 of was about as substantial as that of a castle in the air. 
 
 But this is one of the modern modes of getting rich ; 
 of making money out of nothing. The banks operate 
 on the same principle. They start upon credit ; they 
 continue to do business upon credit ; they live, breathe, 
 and subsist upon credit. Look into their vaults — what 
 is there ? Emptiness. It is the popular faith that sup- 
 ports them — a faith, which is able to remove mountains ; 
 ay, and create them too. 
 
 Upon a similar faith merchants proceed. They 
 launch forth upon a fictitious capital. A, with empty 
 pockets, boulsters up the credit of B ; while B, with the 
 like empty pockets, supports the credit of A. But with 
 all this advantage of reciprocal aid, the chance of main- 
 taining their credit is inferior to that of the banks. The 
 difference is, that the latter are seldom called upon for 
 money, and then in comparatively small sums. Their 
 paper circulates all over the country : and as long as 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 123 
 
 their credit is not impugned, they are considered as 
 abundantly able to pay : and as long as they are consi- 
 dered able to pay, few persons trouble them for the 
 cash. Not so with the unlucky merchant. His paper 
 will not circulate till it wears out. Though his credit 
 be ever so good, his creditors insist upon testing it at 
 limited periods; and when those periods arrive, he 
 must be prepared to prove it good. 
 
 As I said, at the end of six months, we began to be 
 hard pushed. Our credit, however, was still fair. Our 
 note had never been dishonored. But we were daily 
 driven to very hard shifts. Our goods had mostly been 
 sold on six months credit ; and, as yet, we had collected 
 little or nothing from our customers. They were mostly 
 country merchants, living at a considerable distance 
 from the city, and in general very little known either to 
 the city banks or the brokers. 
 
 Of course, it was not easy to get their notes dis- 
 counted, or to raise money on them by any means, 
 except on very disadvantageous terms. To sell them 
 at a great loss to the brokers ; or, in other words, to 
 get them unmercifully shaved , was what we wished, if 
 possible, to avoid. 
 
 Some of our clerks, we sent into the country, to col- 
 lect. My partner went also on the same errand. I 
 staid at home, and daily shinned it. By shinning, in 
 mercantile phrase, is meant running about to one’s ac- 
 
124 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 quaintance, to borrow money to meet the emergency of 
 a note in bank. It is doubtless so called, because, in 
 the great hurry of picking up cash to meet the hour 
 of three, which perchance is just at hand ; the borrower, 
 not having the fear of wheelbarrows, boxes, barrels, 
 piles of brick, and other obstacles, before his eyes, is 
 very apt to run [furiously against them with his shins, 
 the bark whereof is apt to be grievously battered off by 
 the contact. In this respect, it is much like bee-hunting, 
 in a new settlement — though it is not always followed 
 by the sweets which the bee-hunter looks to as the re- 
 ward of his perils and fatigues. The bee-hunter, having 
 fixed his eye upon the insect, follows it with his face 
 upturned, running swiftly to keep it in sight, as it wings 
 its way to its waxen habitation in the hollow of some 
 distant tree. He cannot watch his foot steps, because he 
 is watching the bee. He comes in contact with stumps, 
 stones, logs, and the like, until his shins bleed again. 
 So fares it with the poor merchant, while he is looking 
 out for an acquaintance of whom he may ask, Any thing 
 over ? 
 
 This is an expression used by shinners, on applying 
 to their acquaintance for the needful ; and means, Have 
 you any money over and above the sum requisite for 
 discharging your own notes. If so, it is of course ex- 
 pected, that, in the way of mercantile courtesy, or of a 
 friendly reciprocity, you will oblige the shinner so far 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 125 
 
 as to hand it over to him. It is a common way, among 
 those who have business in hanks, of obliging one ano- 
 ther. If they have any thing over, they do not consider 
 themselves at liberty to withhold it from their neighbor, 
 lest the neighbor in his turn should act the same un- 
 neighborly part towards them. 
 
 Shinners may be divided into two classes : those who 
 shin from necessity, and those who shin for profit. 
 The latter may be called professional shinners ; and 
 they consist chiefly of merchants of some time standing, 
 who make it their business to find out, and get into the 
 good graces of, those who are just starting in trade. 
 Correctly judging that these last will have no notes to 
 pay under six months, and that they will naturally be 
 taking considerable money in the mean time, they do 
 them the favor to borrow their surplus cash, in large 
 sums, and for a considerable time, promising in their 
 turn to lend, whenever the other shall stand in need. 
 
 But when that time comes, these cunning old shinners 
 take especial care not to have any thing over ; and when 
 the young merchant reminds them of their former pro- 
 mise, they call him an ungrateful dog for presuming to 
 mention such a thing; then coldly turning their back 
 upon him, commence a new shinning account with 
 some more fresh dupe, who, in like manner, is to be 
 abandoned whenever he requires an interchange of the 
 favor. 
 
 12 
 
126 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 It has been considered a matter deserving of some 
 attention, how one may ascertain the occupation, busi- 
 ness, or profession of those he happens to meet, without 
 the necessity of inquiry. In some cases this is not diffi- 
 cult. A sailor may be told by the motion of his sea* 
 legs ; a printer, by the turning out of his toes ; a seam- 
 stress, by the marks of the needle on the fore-finger of 
 her left hand ; and a merchant, if you can get sight of 
 his shins, by the discolored and battered condition in 
 which you are almost sure to find them. So convinced 
 am I of the exactness of this criterion, that, out of a hun- 
 dred citizens, I would engage to tell, in at least ninety- 
 nine cases, whether they had been much addicted 
 to shinning. And if, in the case of the hundredth 
 man, this criterion failed, I should be very likely to de- 
 tect him by the involuntary use of the phrase, Any 
 thing over. For my part, though my experience is not 
 so old, nor my habits so confirmed as those of some 
 others, I am sadly afraid I should be detected in both 
 ways. 
 
 At all events, I have had experience enough in the 
 miserable business of shinning. It was my daily exer- 
 cise. After dreaming all night of bills payable, pro- 
 tests, and failures, the first thing I did, after swallowing 
 my coffee, was to start forth. Having the whole morn- 
 ing before me, I used to set out with a tolerable degree 
 of moderation; but always increasing the rapidity of 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 127 
 
 my steps in proportion to the shortness of my remain- 
 ing time, or the greatness of the sum of money still- to 
 be obtained. 
 
 At first I would commence merely with a smart 
 walk, and ask, in rather a moderate tone, Any thing 
 over ? By and by, as time advanced, and the money 
 lagged behind, I would begin to increase my walk to 
 a trot, and demand with considerable impatience, Any 
 thing over ? But when the hour of three was hard by, 
 and the necessary sum was not raised, I would hasten 
 my steps to a furious run, and demand in the most hur- 
 ried tone imaginable, For God’s sake! any thing 
 over? * 
 
 Scenes of a very ludicrous nature not unfrequently 
 take place in the exercise of shinning ; and I cannot help 
 laughing to myself, even at this day, when I reflect on 
 the figure I am sensible I must sometimes have cut in my 
 various shinning expeditions. 
 
 I recollect one day, it was a little before three, when 
 I had a considerable sum of money to make up, passing 
 furiously along Pearl street ; when, espying an acquain- 
 tance of mine, I bawled out, as soon as I came within 
 hailing distance, Any thing over? 
 
 “Yes, by J s!” said an Irish voice, “ your oun 
 
 self is over a whale-barrow .” And, sure enough, as the 
 Irishman intimated, I found myself lying across the one- 
 
128 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 wheeled vehicle, having, unknowingly, run against arid 
 fallen over it. 
 
 At another time, on singing out to a friend of mine 
 whom I saw in the street just ahead, Any thing over ? 1 
 was answered, in a gruff angry voice from beneath, “ No 
 confound your careless soul ! but I’m under P And, on 
 looking down, I perceived that I had overthrown a little 
 old gentleman, whom, in my shinning frenzy, I had not 
 before seen. I could do no less than help him up, brush 
 the dirt from his clothes, and beg his pardon — -all which 
 I accomplished in the space of three seconds, and then 
 — shinned it again. 
 
 I could paint many another ludicrous scene, whereof 
 I was the hero ; but if I sometimes appeared in a very 
 ridiculous light, during the rage of shinning, others ap- 
 peared no less, so. I remember one day running up 
 Pearl street, while another shinner came running down. 
 In his haste he came plump against an iron lamp-post : 
 and supposing he had encountered a firm friend, he im- 
 mediately asked, “ Any thing over ?” when, wondering 
 that he received no answer, he found that he had spoken 
 to a deaf and dumb post. 
 
 But if there is much misery and vexation in being op- 
 pressed with pecuniary difficulties, there is, on the other 
 hand, no little pleasure in being relieved from them, even 
 if it be only for a short season. I observed a notable in- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 129 
 
 stance of this, one day : It was just two minutes before 
 three on a Saturday, when I was overtaken, in Wall 
 street, by an acquaintance of mine, who was hastening 
 to the hank, with the most smiling face imaginable. 
 
 “ Well, Hazard,” said he, slapping me on the shoulder, 
 “ I’m the happiest dog in all New-York.” 
 
 “ Indeed !” 
 
 “Yes, I’ ve got a young eternity before me. I’ve made 
 up my bank account for to-day, and hav’nt another note 
 to pay between this and Tuesday morning.” 
 
 12 * 
 
 i 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 131 
 
 CHAPTER XVII 
 
 Which shows in what manner , and to what depth, a man may 
 he shaved . 
 
 While I was exerting myself to keep up the credit of 
 our house, by shinning it in the city, my partner and 
 some of our clerks were endeavoring to make collec- 
 tions, by running about the country. At length they 
 returned. Some of the notes, bills, and so forth, they had 
 collected. Some they had collected in part ; and of others 
 they had brought home fair promises of payment. But 
 in some cases, they were not so fortunate as even to get a 
 promise, for the very sufficient reason, that they could 
 not find the debtor : while in other cases, where they 
 did find him, they found he had failed. 
 
 This was certainly discouraging, after so much run 
 ning to and fro, and so much breath spent in dunning, to 
 bring back so little money. However, we made the best 
 use we could of the little we had got. We paid some 
 
132 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 of our most urgent debts, and got an extension of credit 
 on others. 
 
 We still held various notes of our customers, on some 
 of which, as I mentioned before, we had got fair pro- 
 mises ; while others, being of later dates, were not yet 
 due. On these we were forced to raise money. But 
 what a falling off was there from the face thereof! True, 
 they were, to the best of our belief, good. But we could 
 not prove them to be so. The drawers were mostly at 
 a distance. They were unknown in Wall street; and 
 we could not convince the brokers of their responsibility. 
 
 But we were at the mercy of these gentlemen; and 
 must make the best we could of our condition. They 
 would indeed lend us money on the pledge of our cus- 
 tomers’ notes; but in sums most ruinously dispropor- 
 tioned to the amount of the pledge. 
 
 In the first place, they would make but a part advance 
 on a note, or number of notes ; and as our necessities in- 
 creased, they would be sure to demand an increase in the 
 amount of the pledged paper — thus getting into their 
 possession all our negotiable means, and holding us en- 
 tirely at their mercy/ 
 
 This was being shaved till the blood followed the razor. 
 But what could we do ? It seemed to us better, in the 
 state of our finances, to submit even to such terms, than 
 not to raise money at all. This, however, might be 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 133 
 
 questionable policy : for those, who get thus shaved, to 
 meet the present emergency and to put further off the evil 
 day, but make that day the more certain in the end, and 
 the more disastrous when it arrives. Their prudence is 
 much the same as that of the man, who strips the cover- 
 ing from the outside of his house, in order to warm the 
 inside. He makes one glorious fire, with which he 
 warms himself to-day ; and then freezes to death on the 
 morrow. 
 
 To make the better bargain out of those unfortunate 
 persons, who are obliged to have recourse to their mercy, 
 the brokers frequently resort to certain tricks, among 
 which a very common one is, to delay the applicant, un- 
 der one pretence or other, until the very last minute of 
 grace ; when, it becoming too late to apply elsewhere, 
 they exact an enormous premium. 
 
 For instance, when the borrower goes to them, they 
 will affect, perhaps, not to understand the object of his 
 visit, and be ready to talk about every thing except the 
 subject of money. They will prate about the weather, 
 politics, religion, matrimony, the latest fashion ; in short, 
 any thing but that nearest the heart of the borrower. 
 
 I recollect once calling, in a great strait, upon Mr. Dan 
 Doubloon, a character well known in Wall street- — he- 
 al ways went by the name of The Don. It was about 
 two. o’clock. 
 
134 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 “ Mr. Doubloon, I want — ” 
 
 “ Well, how do you come on, friend Hazard ? How 
 is business ? Making a fortune I suppose ?” 
 
 “ I am just now in great want, Mr. Doub — ” 
 
 “ Fine weather this. I thought it would rain this 
 morning, but it has cleared off charmingly.” 
 
 “I say Mr. Doubloon, I — ” 
 
 “ What do you think of'these new-fashioned hats that 
 are getting to be all the go ?” 
 
 “ I’ve no time to think of any thing, except — ” 
 
 “ For my part, I think the brim is quite too narrow.” 
 
 “ That may be too — but just now I’ve other matters 
 to—” 
 
 “ Ah, by the by, Hazard, have you read the president’s 
 message ?” 
 
 “ Confound the message ! I wish — ” 
 
 “ I should like to have your opinion of that document.” 
 “ I’ve no opinion of it. I came to you for the pur- 
 pose — ” 
 
 “ That was rather curious though, was’nt it, about your 
 friend Gumption getting married just as he did?” 
 
 “ I know nothing about it, nor care. I called, I 
 say—” 
 
 “That affair of the Reverend Mr. Thumpcushion 
 makes a great deal of noise in the world, does’nt it?” 
 
 “ I see, Don — I would say Mr. Doubloon — you’re 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 135 
 
 not disposed to attend to business, and therefore I bid 
 you good morning.” 
 
 “Stay, stay, friend Hazard — don’t be in haste.” 
 
 “ I came, upon a great emergency, to — ” 
 “Emergency! surely that cannot be — that’s impos- 
 sible.” 
 
 “ But it’s true nevertheless — I want a thousand dol- 
 lars between this and three o’clock.” 
 
 “A thousand dollars! and on so short a notice too! 
 If you’d called a little sooner, I might have done some- 
 thing for you ; but at present — ” 
 
 “ Don’t you think you can help me ?” 
 
 “ I don’t know, indeed, friend Hazard, money is 
 prodigious scarce just now, and the time is so short — - 
 however, for friendship’s sake, I’ll just step out and see 
 what I can do for you. Walk into the back room, and 
 sit down. I’ll return in five minutes. 
 
 Saying this, the broker put on his hat and left the 
 office. The five minutes passed away — nay, ten — fif- 
 teen — half an hour — and the broker had not returned. 
 I began to grow very impatient ; and I had reason to, 
 for the hour of three was fast approaching. At length, 
 after waiting nearly an hour, Mr. Doubloon came. 
 
 “ Never was money so hard to be got,” said he, “ I’ve 
 been running and running — ” 
 
 “ But have you got it ?” 
 
 Whew ! I’m all out of breath now with running.” 
 
186 
 
 THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 “ But have you got the money, I say?” 
 
 “Why, how impatient you are! Y-e-s, I’ve made 
 out to raise it, hut—” 
 
 “ But what ?” 
 
 “ On such disadvantageous terms, that-^” 
 
 “ Never mind the terms. Money I must have if it 
 costs me thirty per cent.” 
 
 “ That’s just what I’ve been obliged to give — but as I 
 must charge something for my trouble—” 
 
 “ Charge any thing you please — but let me have the 
 money.” 
 
 “You won’t think three per cent a month unrea- 
 sonable?” 
 
 “ What I think is of no consequence — but let me 
 have the money soon, or I shall be too late.” 
 
 Doubloon counted out the money, and I arrived with 
 it at the bank just twenty-five seconds before three. 
 -Such were some of the extortions to which we were 
 obliged to submit, to sustain the credit of a falling 
 house. 
 
 But, to return to the onward course of my narrative . 
 Besides the pledge of notes, we were obliged to resort to 
 the hypothecation of our stock. But here, as in the 
 case of the paper, the amount of the money obtained 
 was most ruinously disproportioned to the value of the 
 pledge. 
 
 But -this state of things could not long continue. Our 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 137 
 
 race seemed to be nearly run. The goal of failure was 
 evidently in view. Our inventions for raising the wind 
 were almost wholly exhausted. Though we shinned 
 it and got shaved in the day time ; though we lay awake 
 o’ nights to study out the ways and means of meeting 
 the demands of the morrow ; the time seemed likely 
 soon to arrive when we must confess our inability to 
 move another step — in a word, acknowledge ourselves 
 bankrupt. 
 
 We felt a horror at the thoughts of such a catastrophe. 
 It would he a new event to us — a first failure ; and we 
 no doubt, felt differently from those old and experienced 
 merchants, who have failed a dozen times; who are 
 hackneyed in the ways of stopping payment ; and the 
 edge of whose feelings, on the subject of mercantile 
 credit, is blunted, or worn away. 
 
 For my part, I felt exceedingly sensitive on the sub- 
 ject. I had set out with high hopes and honorable feel- 
 ings. I had made fine calculations of arriving to wealth ; 
 and arriving there only through the path of fair and 
 honorable dealing. I could not endure it should be 
 said, Hazard is bankrupt ; his race is soon run ; poor 
 devil ! he could’nt hold out for a year ; but it is’nt strange 
 at all, for he has no tact, no business talent — neither he 
 nor his partner. — Or, perchance, to have it whispered, 
 Ah, well, they did’nt fail for nothing, depend upon it. 
 
 They would’nt shut up shop so soon, unless for good 
 13 
 
138 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 and substantial reasons — ay, for solid ones. — And thus 
 to have a hint circulated against our honor ! as if loss, 
 poverty, and the resting under a burden of debt, were 
 not sufficient, without having the character assailed by 
 a charge of dishonorable conduct. 
 
 Messrs. Gumption & Plunket, who, as I said, were 
 our reciprocal endorsers, had begun as well as we, to get 
 into considerable difficulties; and they proposed that, 
 still further to aid each other in our mutual emergencies, 
 we should fly the kite. For my part, I was opposed to 
 every thing like trick, or hollow dealing of any kind ; 
 and my partner, I believe, was no less so. Besides, such 
 management would only afford a temporary relief. The 
 evil day must come: and since that is the case, said I. 
 let it find us honest. 
 
 It did come : and it was a consolation to reflect, that it 
 found us honest. The day before Christmas, in the 
 year 182 — , the firm of Launch & Hazard stopt pay- 
 ment — failed! — having continued something less than 
 eleven months. Our acquaintance wished us a merry 
 Christmas. But there was little cause of mirth for us. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 139 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Containing , among other things , the model for an innkeeper. 
 
 We had little difficulty in arranging with our credi- 
 tors. Not only two thirds , but all, with two exceptions 
 consented to our release upon the lawful surrender of 
 our effects. The first of these exceptions was Janus 
 Fairface, the well known keeper of the Superb Hotel, in 
 
 street, to whom we owed something like three 
 
 hundred dollars, for board and lodging. The other was 
 Malcolm McGrip, an emigrant from the ‘ land o’ cakes,’ 
 and an importer of Scotch goods, to whom we owed a 
 thousand dollars more. 
 
 Janus declared he would take up with nothing less 
 than his full demand. We had eaten and drank at his 
 table, we had slept in his beds, and, by George, we 
 should pay for it. While the Scotchman, who had 
 formerly turned bankrupt and paid his creditors one 
 shilling in the pound, swore by St. Andrew’s cross, that 
 he would have his money, or he would have our hides, 
 “ the tane or the tither.” 
 
HO 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 But the small minority of Janus and Me Grip, against 
 the great majority of all the rest, had very little effect. 
 We surrendered all, and we were released. Some of 
 our debts we had been careful to pay before our failure : 
 such as the salaries of our clerks and apprentices, the 
 bills of our tailors, shoe-makers, and indeed all that 
 class of creditors, who, depending chiefly on the labor 
 of their hands for a subsistence, were in general least 
 able to suffer any loss. For my part, I could not have 
 slept o’ nights, with the reproach on my conscience of 
 leaving these bills unpaid. 
 
 To end the history of our bankruptcy here, I will 
 barely state, that our effects went so far as to pay sixty 
 cents on the dollar. This was all. But it was more 
 than our creditors expected; and our old friend Janus, 
 and the Scotch importer, in spite of the opposition they 
 had made to our release, pocketed their share of the 
 dividend, with quite as much zeal as any of the rest. 
 
 Apropos of Janus : I must give some account of him, 
 and his famous establishment. Janus Fairface, in 
 stature, was about five feet eight. He was not plump, 
 like the better specimens of hotel-keepers ; neither was 
 he altogether lean ; but what a butcher would call in 
 middling case. There was nothing very remarkable about 
 his countenance, except a certain leaden cast of the eye, 
 which seemed never to express any intelligence or 
 meaning of any kind, except at the sight of money ; or 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 141 
 
 when money, or money’s worth was the subject of con- 
 versation. Then his eye lighted up in a surprising 
 manner, and seemed to flash with a very considerable 
 degree of intelligence. 
 
 His soul was absorbed in gain ; his whole mind was 
 bent on the advancement of his fortune. He had a talent 
 at bowing, and fawning, and making fine speeches, 
 where his interest was concerned. This he thought he 
 could turn to good account among strangers ; and who 
 has more to do with strangers than a tavern-keeper % 
 They are mostly the people out of whom he gets his 
 money. Smooth words, fair promises, and pliant bows 
 are apt to pass current with them, because, in the in- 
 stance in question, they have not yet become acquainted 
 with their value. 
 
 Janus procured an excellent stand, in one of the most 
 business parts of the city, where merchants would be 
 most likely to congregate. On his sign was displayed, 
 in flaming gold letters, “ The Superb Hotel.” How 
 the name accorded with the character, was left for Ja- 
 nus to make out. There was nothing very lofty, or 
 very splendid, in the exterior of the building ; nor w r as 
 there anything very remarkable in the interior. There 
 were indeed something like sixty rooms, of all sizes ; 
 but furnished in the plainest manner. Nor was there 
 any thing striking about the table, either in the splen- 
 
 13 * 
 
142 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 dor of the furniture, or the preparation and variety of 
 the dishes. 
 
 But Janus had a way of making the most of every thing. 
 His dining room had sufficient extent to accommodate 
 a hundred persons comfortably; and a hundred and 
 fifty uncomfortably. His chambers and beds could 
 afford tolerable lodgings to some seventy or eighty 
 persons ; and intolerable ones to a much larger num- 
 ber. 
 
 In speaking of his accommodations, to strangers, 
 Janus would say, while his leaden eyes gleamed like 
 scoured pewter, “ I have the most superb accommoda- 
 tions in the whole city — at least I profess to have. 
 You shall hear, and then judge. In the first place, I 
 can lodge two hundred persons with all the ease in the 
 world, and nearly three hundred upon a pinch. And 
 then I’ve the most superb dining-room in the seven 
 continents. I can seat upwards of two hundred persons. 
 And then my table — but it does’nt become me to speak 
 of that : however, my accommodations are superb in 
 every respect — most superb ; — and those, who put up 
 with me, will tell you the same story — if you’ll take the 
 trouble to inquire, wherever they are.” 
 
 As I said before, Janus had a way of making the 
 most of every thing. This he did, not only in the ma- 
 nagement of his affairs, but likewise in his practice of 
 setting forth the excellence and extent of his accommo- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 143 
 
 dations ; and, had I not been well assured, that Peter 
 Funk was employed exclusively by the merchants, I 
 should have strongly suspected that the imp of decep- 
 tion was figuring away for my friend Janus, in various- 
 parts of the Superb Hotel. 
 
 In the first place there was deception in regard to the 
 number of rooms. The very figures, attached to the 
 bells, strung along one side of the bar-room, were made 
 to lie. They represented a much higher number than 
 there was in reality. Instead of beginning at 1, 2, 3, 
 and so on ; they jumped all at once to 40, as any per- 
 son, by examining, might have perceived ; though it 
 would naturally escape the notice of a stranger. Be- 
 sides this large leap of number forty to begin with, 
 there were other smaller strides of five, ten, fifteen, and 
 so forth- — on the whole, raising the last numbers to a 
 very respectable height. 
 
 This was quite convenient, and saved the conscien- 
 tious Janus the qualms and the trouble of more direct 
 lying. His guests could read the numbers for them- 
 selves ; or, if disposed to inquire of the host how many 
 rooms he had, the ready reply would be, “ Why, we 
 number as high as 200, I think. But you can see for 
 yourself, under the last of the bells there — it is two 
 hundred is it not 1 Oh, sir, we have the most superb 
 variety of rooms, I’ll be bound to say, in the seven 
 continents. 1 ’ 
 
144 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 All this was a mere trick of Janus’s, put in practice to 
 give a sort of eclat to his hotel, as having so many 
 rooms ; and he was obliged to resort to another method, 
 too common among inn-keepers, of stowing away seve- 
 ral guests, perhaps entire strangers to each other, in the 
 same room. He had also a trick of making the most 
 of his beds, by dividing them, when his house was 
 crowded with guests — giving to one the straw bed, 
 another the mattress, and a third the feather bed — thus, 
 upon a pinch, making three beds out of one. At table, 
 where there was a plentiful lack of silver spoons, the 
 deficiency was made up by substituting pewter, copper, 
 or iron ; while, to supply the scarcity of sugar-tongs, 
 such guests, as happened to get a seat near the lower 
 end of the table, were under the necessity of substituting 
 their fingers. In a word, Janus, in all his arrange- 
 ments, went upon the principle, that ‘ a penny saved is 
 a penny got and from that maxim, so far as I have 
 heard, he was never guilty of departing. 
 
 There is, however, another maxim, about being ‘ pen- 
 ny wise and pound foolish/ But Janus, in his haste 
 to grow rich, did not seem to think of this ; nor to be 
 aware, that, by taking in and deceiving a stranger once, 
 he was never likely to get his custom again. Or, if he 
 was awareof it, he trusted so to fleece him at first, that 
 he should have no occasion for a second operation. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 145 
 
 It was quite edifying to witness the behavior of Janus, 
 on the arrival of guests. He had a sort of winning 
 way, which took very much with strangers. He was 
 ever ready to receive and attend to them. He did not 
 want for hows nor compliments. He especially abound- 
 ed in fair professions. He was ready to promise any 
 thing, and every thing, in relation to the comfort of his 
 guests. But having once got them secured, his pro- 
 mises were no longer remembered; their comfort and 
 his own word were the last things he thought of ; and 
 to remind him of either, was hut to spend breath in 
 vain. 
 
 When a stranger came, and inquired if he could 
 have a comfortable room to himself? Janus would 
 reply, with many hows, “Yes, sir, yes sir; oh, yes 
 sir.” 
 
 “ With a good bed ?” 
 
 “ Certainly, sir, certainly. I have the best beds in the 
 city of New-York ; or, for that matter in the seven conti- 
 nents.” 
 
 “ Shall I look at the accommodations ? Oh, yes sir, 
 certainly sir. Here, John, show this gentleman to 
 No. 193.” 
 
 John does as he is directed, and the gentleman, find- 
 ing sundry things wanting to make the room comfortable, 
 returns and reports the same to the landlord. 
 
146 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 “ Oh, very well,” says Janus, “ whatever is wanting 
 shall be supplied to your satisfaction.” 
 
 “ I wish to occupy it for some time — hut in its present 
 condition — ” 
 
 “ My dear sir, every thing shall he put to rights — 
 every thing shall he arranged to your satisfaction. I 
 shall be extremely pleased to accommodate you ; and 
 Pm sure I can do it as well as any man in the city of 
 New- York, or the seven continents either.” 
 
 “ Have you no other room to spare ?” 
 
 “ Not just at present, sir — Pm so crowded at pre- 
 sent — ” 
 
 ** There’s a pane of glass broke out of the window, 
 which lets in the wind and storm.” 
 
 “ That shall be repaired directly.” 
 
 “ The bed does’nt suit me. I wish for a feather bed, 
 in addition to that mattress.” 
 
 “ Certainly, certainly, sir. The bed shall be changed 
 according to your wish.” 
 
 “ I want some rush-bottomed chairs, in room of that 
 hard wooden one.” 
 
 “ Yes sir, yes sir — you shall have them, sir.” 
 
 “ There’s no key to the door lock.” 
 
 “ There shall be one immediately, sir.” 
 
 Believing in these professions, the gentleman orders 
 his baggage to the room. At the hour of bed time, he 
 begs a lamp and retires. He is astonished to find every 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 147 
 
 thing as it was before : the mattress, the hard-bottomed 
 chair, the lock without a key, and the window minus a 
 pane of glass. He returns to the landlord— 
 
 “ That room is not in order, as you promised.” 
 
 “I’m very sorry for it,” says Fairface, “ very sorry 
 indeed ; but the fact is, I could’nt find a locksmith or a 
 glazier to do any thing ; and as for the bed and the chairs 
 — but really, sir, every thing shall be arranged to-mor- 
 row to your entire satisfaction.” 
 
 The stranger, not having yet found out the exact value 
 of his landlord’s promises, returns to his room, in hopes 
 matters will be speedily mended. He stuffs his unmen- 
 tionables in the broken pane, in expectation of its being- 
 repaired on the morrow ; and he throws himself on the 
 mattress, in the full belief that he shall enjoy the luxury 
 of feathers, the succeeding night. 
 
 But how much is he mistaken ! the succeeding night 
 comes, and every thing remains as it was : the hard 
 chair, the uncomfortable mattress, the keyless lock, the 
 window with the open pane. He goes once more to the 
 landlord to remonstrate. 
 
 “ Nothing is done to my room yet, as you promised.” 
 
 “ My dear sir,” says Janus, “ you don’t know how 
 very difficult it is to get any thing done in New- York 
 at this season of the year : the locksmiths, the glaziers, 
 and every body is so busy.” 
 
148 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 “ But surely the bed and the chairs do not require the 
 aid of locksmiths or glaziers.” 
 
 “ What!” exclaims Janus, as if in great surprise, and 
 his leaden eyes lighting up with a true metalic lustre, 
 “ is’nt that done yet ? I gave my folks orders to see to 
 it yesterday. But rely upon it, sir, it shall be attended 
 to directly.” 
 
 “ The next day comes, and the day following, and the 
 day after that ; hut the alterations in the comforts of the 
 room, though daily promised, are not made. At last, 
 the guest, coming to the landlord, in somewhat of a pas- 
 sion, exclaims — “ I must say, Mr. Fairface, you’re a man 
 of your word !” 
 
 “ Certainly,, certainly, sir,” says Janus, bowing pro- 
 foundly — •“ I profess to he— that is, I think — I pre- 
 sume — ” 
 
 “ I say, sir, you’re a man of your word : when you 
 say you will, it’s very certain you will not .” 
 
 “ Janus now looks a little confused. He casts his 
 leaden eyes on the ground and begins again to pelaver, 
 and make some excuse, and complain of glaziers, and 
 carpenters, and servants, and chamber-maids. 
 
 “ I beg your pardon,” interrupts the guest, “ the fault 
 is entirely your own : you make promises, as a woman 
 does pie*crust, merely to be broken.” 
 
 “ Sir !” exclaims Janus, at last falling into a passion — 
 44 do you say this to me in my own house ?” 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 149 
 
 “ Don’t fret yourself,” says the guest, coolly, “ but 
 make out my bill.” 
 
 Janus now begins to soften down again. He has no 
 desire to lose a customer, before he has had time to give 
 him a thorough fleecing. He therefore makes a thou- 
 sand apologies : is vastly sorry the gentleman has not 
 been accommodated to his mind ; and renews his pro- 
 mise that the room shall be put in perfect order forthwith. 
 But he has lied too often ; his guest now perfectly un- 
 derstands the value of his promises, and treats him ac- 
 cordingly. He pays his bill, and seeks other lodgings. 
 
 In this, or a similar manner, guest after guest forsook 
 the house of Janus. His promises were never fulfilled. 
 His favorite principle, of getting much out of little, did 
 not prove profitable in the end. Nobody, who could 
 readily pay his bill, would stay long in his house. His 
 fair professions, indeed, deceived many. It was thus 
 myself and partner were taken in ; and our embarrass- 
 ments afterwards kept us in, much longer than we should 
 otherwise have staid. 
 
 Besides a large weekly price for board, Janus charged 
 enormously for extras ; which, with him, was a very 
 comprehensive term, spread out and extended with great 
 ingenuity, so as to include sundry things which no other 
 boarding-house or hotel would have made any account 
 of. For instance, if a guest were unwell, and required 
 a little broth or gruel in his room ; Janus, in addition to 
 14 
 
150 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 the regular charge for hoard, added the price of a sepa- 
 rate meal for every dish of the kind which the unfortu- 
 nate invalid required. Then again he never failed to 
 charge for every meal which you invited a friend, to eat : 
 though he never gave you credit for any of the meals 
 which you happened to take abroad, even if they should 
 be three times as numerous as those to which you invit- 
 ed your friend. This principle of reciprocity, Janus 
 could never understand. 
 
 It would be an edifying matter to inspect one of his 
 board-bills. I have one by me now, which, for the bene- 
 fit of taverners and boarding-house-keepers, I will copy : 
 just premising, that though friend Janus was a very good 
 penman, he was a very bad speller. 
 
 “ New- York, Dec , 31, 182- 
 Mr. William Hazzerd to Janus Fairface, Dr. 
 
 To 3 months bord 
 To frend tea 
 To do diner - 
 To Botle wine - # - 
 To Boal grewell in room . - 
 To do - 
 
 To Boal Chick Broth in room 
 To Mut Do - 
 To Glass Water in room 
 To Frend breckfist 
 
 $100 00 
 
 2 50 
 
 38 
 
 38 
 
 50 
 
 44 
 
 6 
 
 44 
 
 38 
 
 50 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 151 
 
 To Botle Mad wine 
 
 
 2 20 
 
 To Inch Kandle extra 
 
 
 6 
 
 To frend Tea 
 
 
 38 
 
 To Brakige 
 
 
 3 00 
 
 To Bottle Shampain 
 
 
 3 00 
 
 To 2 inches Kandle extra 
 
 
 13 
 
 To Sundrys not spessified 
 
 
 1500 
 $129 35 
 
 Received payment.” 
 
 The above is a true bill, as I can prove by exhibiting* 
 the original, in the hand-writing of Janus. Besides, 
 many of my readers must have collateral proof in their 
 own possession; having been boarders of Janus, as well 
 as myself. 
 
 The truth is, Janus had, for some time, a well-fre- 
 quented house. His guests were numerous and respect- 
 able. How he contrived to get, and keep them, so long 
 as he did, I have sometimes been greatly inclined to 
 wonder. It was mostly, I suspect, owing to the excel- 
 lence of his local situation. But whatever was the 
 cause, he could not preserve the advantages he had 
 gained. He was too close for his own interest. By 
 screwing too hard, he failed. The extras could not 
 save him. The Superb Hotel went down ; and Janus 
 went away — between two days. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 : : 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ' 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET, 
 
 153 
 
 CHAPTER XIX- 
 
 Which begins with a descent , and ends with an elevation. 
 
 After the failure of the house of Launch & Hazard, 
 as already mentioned, I was fain once more to clerk it 
 for a livelihood. This was indeed somewhat galling to 
 my pride, after having flourished as a merchant — a 
 wholesale merchant, in Pearl street ! It was descending 
 rather too much at one step. It w T as a sad falling off 
 from my late dignity. 
 
 But what was I to do ? Money I had none. Friepds, 
 it is true, I had ; but they were not inclined to support 
 me, neither was I inclined they should. I thought of 
 returning to my native village of Spreadaway. I longed 
 to see Mary Dawson. I had not met with her equal 
 among the city belles— her equal I mean, not in wealth 
 and fashion, but in unadorned beauty and modest loveli- 
 ness. I wished likewise to see my parents — my father 
 who fashioned the houses, and my mother who fashioned 
 the ladies of the village. I wished to see all my rustic 
 
 acquaintance with whom I used to join in the sports of 
 14 * 
 
154 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 the country — the boys with whom I used to play at 
 ball, and the girls with whom I used to play at romps. 
 
 In a word, I was desirous of seeing all my old ac- 
 quaintance ; and then, again — I desired not to see them. 
 I could’nt bear the thoughts of appearing before them 
 as a bankrupt ; or, as some of the country people, in 
 their peculiar language, might term me, a bancrafi ! 
 What ! said I to myself, shall I appear before my quon- 
 dam friends, my late fellow villagers, a broken merchant ? 
 A man who came to New- York, to make his fortune, 
 after several years return pennyless, and a thousand 
 times worse than pennyless ? To have my rustic ac- 
 quaintance look me in the face, with a smile of pity for 
 my madness, or of contempt for my folly ! To have it 
 said of me, as I walked the village streets, There goes 
 Bill Hazard, the New- York merchant ! the wholesale 
 dealer in Pearl street ! I never thought he w~ould find 
 pearls there though. It’s turned out just as I expected. 
 He was too proud to work. He despised us poor vil- 
 lagers. He must needs go to New-York, and turn mer- 
 chant. And now see what he’s come to ! If I was in his 
 place, I would’nt have shown my face here again. 
 
 Could I endure to be thus thought, or thus spoken of? 
 Besides, what was I to do in the country ? Work — I 
 mean mechanic’s or farmer’s labor — I knew very little 
 of ; and if I had better understood it, I confess it would 
 have sorely galled my pride to return from Pearl street 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 155 
 
 to the work-bench or the plough. A country clerkship 
 was hut little better — though I had half a mind to go 
 back to Squire Dawson’s, for the daily pleasure of seeing 
 Mary. But to measure tape, to weigh tea, to draw mo- 
 lasses, to handle pork, to barter merchandize for beans, 
 butter, beef, lard, and what not; — and to do all this at the 
 rate of ten dollars per month and found — with the chance 
 of being sneered at into the bargain — I could not do it, 
 even with the privilege of daily seeing Mary Dawson. 
 
 To tell the truth, I had resolved never again to show 
 my face in Spreadway, until I could show it a richer 
 man than when I came away. I determined to start 
 anew ; to travel the road of fortune once more. My 
 pride was enlisted not to quit the ground for one unfor- 
 tunate step. But I was not now prepared to set forward 
 on a second enterprise. I wanted the ways and means ; 
 and I resolved to set patiently to work to acquire them. 
 
 My worthy and “ approved good masters,” Thomas 
 Steady & Sons, were ready to welcome me back to their 
 employ ; and I became once more a clerk, with an in- 
 creased salary. It was gratifying to me to reflect, that, 
 in my failure in trade, I had not failed in retaining the 
 confidence of these respectable men. I could not help 
 acknowledging the truth, the sincerity, and the foresight 
 of the elder Mr. Steady, in what he had formerly re- 
 marked as to my so suddenly embarking in trade ; and 
 I felt grateful, that, on kindly offering me a place imme- 
 
156 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 diately after my failure, he never so much as alluded to 
 my imprudence, or magnified his own superior judg- 
 ment, as many another man would have done. Having 
 spoken his sentiments freely at first, there was an end of 
 the subject. 
 
 I met with the same sincere and judicious friends, in 
 the house of Thomas Steady & Sons, that I had been so 
 well satisfied with in my former engagement. They 
 were still the friends and benefactors of the Mercantile 
 Library Association ; of which, in again becoming a 
 clerk, I once more became a member. Considerable 
 additions had been made to the library during the last 
 year ; and being now free from the exercise of shinning, 
 and all the other engrossing torments and vexations of 
 raising the wind, I had reason to rejoice in my descent, 
 from a merchant to a clerk, if it were for no other reason 
 than the renewed opportunity of indulging myself in the 
 luxury of books. 
 
 With my return to the Association, however, my for- 
 mer ambition for office had by no means returned ; and I 
 was very much surprised one day to find that I had been 
 elected President. I had the interests of the Institution 
 as much as ever at heart, and did what I could, in a quiet 
 way, to promote them. But I did not dream of, much 
 less seek for, office : and after my former defeat in the 
 election for a minor place, I should as soon have expect- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 157 
 
 ed to be made President of the United States, as of the 
 Mercantile Library Association. 
 
 However, entertaining the same judicious sentiments 
 with the great man at the head of the general govern- 
 ment, namely, that office was neither to be sought nor re- 
 fused, I accepted the high dignity to which I had in so 
 flattering a manner been raised. How I fulfilled the 
 office, it becomes not me to say ; but being a second 
 time elected, in the same unsolicited manner as at first, I 
 set it down as a tolerable proof, at least, of the popularity 
 of my administration. 
 

 
 
 v 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 159 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Wherein the hero re-embarks in the perils of trade , and runs upon 
 the rocks of speculation. 
 
 I continued to clerk it for nearly three years, when 
 I began to get weary again, and to wish to figure once 
 more as a merchant. True, my situation was comfort- 
 able ; my salary was good ; and I had every reason, 
 which a clerk could well desire, for being contented 
 with my condition. But this did not satisfy me. I did 
 not like to continue as a subordinate. My ambition was, 
 to figure as principal. And, though I had so miserably 
 failed in my former undertaking, I had still hopes of 
 making my fortune by [mercantile pursuits. I had 
 heard of others who had grown rich after a failure, and 
 why should not I ? At least I could make the ex- 
 periment. “ Faint heart never won fair lady and the 
 goddess Fortune, though blind, was fond, like other 
 females, of being wooed. At all events I resolved that 
 if her goddesship were not won, it should not he my 
 fault. 
 
 I had managed with such economy, during this last 
 
160 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 clerkship, that I had saved about two thousand dollars. 
 This, with the sum of five thousand to he furnished by- 
 two other young men, who were to he my partners, 
 would form a capital not to be despised ; and certainly 
 such a one as could not be commanded by every house 
 in Pearl street. With the sum of seven thousand dol- 
 lars for a nest egg, if I may so speak, we could obtain 
 credit to any necessary amount : and might, with the 
 help of good luck, in due course of time, “ feather our 
 nest” to our heart’s content. 
 
 In a word, behold me embarked again in the whole- 
 sale business, and spreading all my sails to catch the 
 breeze of fortune. I now took my place at the head of 
 the firm, which came out under the style and title of 
 Hazard, Griffin & Co. 
 
 We went on swimmingly with our business. We 
 were 'patronised — to use a common expression in Ame- 
 rica — by various merchants in various parts of the 
 country, who, if they did not pay us the cash for goods, 
 promised payment, according to the common rule, six 
 months after date. We furnished goods of an excellent 
 quality ; we attended closely to our business ; we treated 
 our customers with politeness ; and we did not want for 
 custom. 
 
 Thus we pursued our business prosperously. We 
 passed Point Six Months, on our voyage of trade, and 
 perfectly escaped the danger of shipwreck which is so 
 
TIIE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 161 
 
 apt to beset that perilous period. We now felt secure, 
 at least so far as respected that turning point. We had 
 gone beyond that; and we felt as thankful, and as full 
 of hopes as a single lady who has turned her first corner, 
 and finds her bloom and beauty but little if any worse 
 for the wear. 
 
 We had not failed; and we did not intend to fail. 
 Our notes were promptly paid, and that without flying 
 the kite or a hypothecation of stock. To be sure, we 
 were obliged to shin it a little now and then, as who 
 is not ? That is one of the incidents of trade. Even 
 the best of men are obliged to resort to it. Show me 
 a merchant of a year’s standing, who has never shin- 
 ned it, and I will engage to show you a rare animal — 
 a sort of lucky monster — such a creature as I do not 
 believe is at present to be found in Pearl street. I 
 will show you a merchant with sound and unbattered 
 shins. 
 
 We not only went on prosperously for six months, but 
 a year — ay, more, a year and a half ; and we still, so far 
 as our regular business was concerned, appeared to be 
 doing well. But we could not be content with the 
 slow profits of regular trade — with buying and sell- 
 ing dry goods. We must needs dabble in certain spe- 
 culations. 
 
 About that time, it became all the rage to get rich by 
 
 buying cotton. We bought, as well as others. But it 
 15 
 
162 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 did not turn out so profitable an affair as was expected. 
 To be sure there was no loss in buying — we had the 
 cotton for our money — but the selling played the devil 
 with us. 
 
 Besides, our speculation cost us a world of anxiety 
 and troubled thoughts. At first, indeed, we were full 
 of pleasing expectations, and huoyed up with the most 
 excellent hopes. Cotton had sold at a great price in 
 Liverpool, as appeared by late accounts, and was still on 
 the rise. We were offered a very considerable advance 
 on ours. But there were two sets of fools met — 
 the party who offered, and the party who refused. 
 We were not ready to sell then. We waited for a 
 higher price. But, like a young woman, who refuses a 
 good offer in expectation of a better, we overstood our 
 market. 
 
 Never shall I forget the anxiety we endured, from 
 the time of our cotton purchase to the time of our cotton 
 sale. We were constantly on the look out for news from 
 Liverpool. The packet seemed too slow in coming. 
 The winds were contrary. They did not bring arrivals 
 soon enough. Indeed, as if to ruin us cotton speculators, 
 there were no arrivals for a whole month. In that time 
 what a mighty change in the cotton market might take 
 place ! How prodigiously the article might rise ! Or, 
 again, how shockingly it might fall ! Ah, there was 
 the rub. Had we been certain of its rising, we might 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 163 
 
 have gone to bed and slept comfortably. But the uncer- 
 tainty kept us awake. 
 
 For my part, I had a sad foreboding of the fall of cot- 
 ton ; and on the strength of it, I advised an acceptance 
 of the offer we already had. But my partners over- 
 ruled. They were two to one ; and their hopes were 
 twice as strong as mine. “ No,” said they, “we shall 
 do best to hold on. Depend upon it the next arrival 
 will bring us glorious news. We hav’nt bought our 
 eotton for nothing, rely upon it.” 
 
 “ True,” said I, “ and that’s what makes me anxious 
 to sell it, while we have a fair offer.” 
 
 “Anxious! Oh, Hazard! thou of little faith. But 
 wait patiently till the next arrival ; and then see how 
 rich we will be.” 
 
 The next arrival at length came, and with it came the 
 fall of cotton. “ I wish we had sold,” said my worthy 
 partners, with a face nearly as long as a piece of our 
 goods. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 165 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Which both ends the history of a bad speculation and a bad 
 fellow. 
 
 Our unlucky cotton speculation, however, did not ruin 
 us. We still kept our heads above water, and continued 
 our business as before. But, as a gamester, who has 
 met with losses at play, is apt to venture again in order 
 to retrieve bis fortune, so the house of Hazard, Griffin 
 & Co. resolved to enter upon a new speculation, in order 
 to make up the losses of the old. 
 
 But we were sick of cotton. We had burnt our 
 fingers once with the article, and would not try it 
 again. But it was not every vegetable production, 
 which would prove so unlucky. Hops were now all 
 the go ; and hops we were certain would prove a 
 safer speculation. Ardent spirits were going out of 
 fashion; and the drinking of strong beer was daily 
 nn the increase. Hops therefore would be in great 
 demand. 
 
 15 * 
 
166 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Accordingly we purchased hops. But others, it 
 seems, had been beforehand with us in their ideas of 
 the increased use of beer. The farmers had foreseen 
 that more hops would he wanted, and consequently 
 they had planted more. Hop-growers had enlarged 
 their fields, and corn-growers had turned their atten- 
 tion to the raising of hops : for, unluckily, it so hap- 
 pened in regard to this article, as it does with all 
 others, that too many persons had the wisdom to fore- 
 see an increased demand, and the prudence to resolve to 
 profit by it. 
 
 In such cases it usually happens, that each indivi- 
 dual fancies himself the sole depositary of that prescient 
 wisdom, which knows how to profit by coming events ; 
 and he resolves accordingly to take advantage of it, 
 without saying a word to his neighbors. It was so 
 in the case of the hop-growers. Each one said to 
 himself, Let my neighbors go on, if they will, in the 
 old jog-trot way. As for me, I perceive that these 
 temperance societies will bring about an increased de- 
 mand for beer : and an increased demand for beer will 
 of course cause an increased demand for hops. Now 
 my neighbors — stupid fellows ! — they don’t foresee this. 
 And before they find it out, I — faith, I’ll make my for- 
 tune. 
 
 So reasoned each one about enlarging his old, or 
 planting new, hop-fields. The result was, that about 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 167 
 
 the time we made our famous speculation in hops, the 
 new plantations of the article had begun to produce 
 wonderfuly. Each hop-grower was surprised to find 
 his neighbors had been as prescient and as wise as 
 himself ; and we, of the house of Hazard, Griffin & 
 Co., were surprised to find, that after purchasing our 
 hops at a high rate, we were obliged to sell them at a 
 low one; 
 
 Our hop speculation turned out little better than 
 the cotton one. But neither did this ruin us. Our 
 mercantile business was prosperous, and it required 
 still further blows to kill us. We had hitherto lost 
 nothing on our regular sales of goods ; but now the 
 trial was to come. We were to suffer by the roguery 
 of others. 
 
 I have already had occasion to speak of Don 
 Doubloon, the broker. He did not, however, deal, in 
 notes, money, and exchanges only. He was a ge- 
 neral speculator, ready to take advantage of all op- 
 portunities for enhancing his gains, and not in the 
 least particular as to the means of effecting his pur- 
 pose. 
 
 He was president of the — - Bank, and took 
 
 advantage of his official station to loan himself a 
 large sum of money, immediately after which he 
 managed to fail, whereby he not only caused the fai* 
 
168 
 
 i HE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 lure of tlie bank, but the ruin of sundry houses and 
 individuals. 
 
 Among others, he did us the favor to include the 
 firm of Hazard, Griffin & Co. He purchased our 
 hops, after the price had fallen one half. But, in con- 
 sideration of his paying us the cash, of which we 
 began to be in great want, we were fain to make a 
 discount of one fourth more— thus achieving a loss, 
 at ‘one fell swoop,’ of five-eighths of the price of 
 our hops. 
 
 But neither did our loss end here. Don Doubloon 
 
 paid ufe entirely in the bills of the ■ Bank, 
 
 which, as they were then perfectly current, we had no 
 hesitation in taking. But, before we had time to pay 
 them away, The Don failed, the bank failed, and our 
 bills turned out to be worth but twelve and a half cents 
 on the dollar. 
 
 That I may finish here with The Don, I would ob- 
 serve, that he was formerly a leading man in the 
 Board of Brokers ; and such was his self-impoitance, 
 in consequence of his real or imagined influence in 
 money matters, that, happening once to be in Washing- 
 ton during the session of Congress, and going into 
 the gallery of the Senate when that body was just in 
 the act of taking some question by rising, he thought 
 the movement was solely designed to do him honor 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 169 
 
 and graciously exclaimed “ Keep your seats ! gen- 
 
 tlemen, keep your seats ! — don’t rise on my account.” 
 
 There is generally, in all societies and combinations 
 of men, a code of laws by which each particular society 
 or combination is governed. Thus it is with a band of 
 robbers, a society of black-legs, or a community of 
 beggars. However much they prey upon others, how- 
 ever lawless they are in regard to the public, they have 
 each a sort of freemasonry which prevents their own 
 members from preying upon one another. 
 
 Thus, for a broker to cheat a broker, is most unbroker- 
 like conduct. It is like one of the canine race eating 
 another ; or like a Jew jewing Jew. Hence, by the 
 rule of the Board, it is punishable by expulsion. If one 
 broker engages to deliver stock one time to another 
 broker, and, afterwards finding it a bad bargain, refuses 
 to fulfil the disastrous contract, he is voted a dishonest 
 brother ; his conduct is pronounced unbrokerlike ; and 
 he is expelled from the Board. 
 
 The Don got out by some such means. After carry- 
 ing great sway in the Board, for a number of years, 
 having in an evil hour made some unlucky contract, 
 whereby he would lose to a pretty round sum to a brother 
 broker — a man of no estimation, compared with himself 
 — he flatly refused to fulfil the contract — saying to him- 
 self, The Board won’t dare to expel me — I’m a man of 
 too much consequence among them — my popularity 
 
170 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 will stand any thing-. But The Don was mistaken for 
 once in his life. The Board pronounced him to he en- 
 tirely too great a rogue for them. And they expelled 
 him. 
 
 The poor Don! he never entirely recovered this 
 blow — I mean in the public estimation. In some of his 
 other crooked dealings, such as that in regard to the 
 
 * Bank, the hop speculation, and the like, the 
 
 people merely looked on, and thought them all very well 
 in the way of trade, where the man, who overreaches 
 most, is considered the cleverest fellow. But when they 
 learnt that he was expelled even by the Board of Brokers 
 — that he was too enormous a villain to have a seat 
 there — they turned their backs upon him — they gave 
 him up as the devil’s first-born. 
 
 Thus finding his character no longer passable, even 
 in Wall street, The Don cleared out for the jvest ; 
 
 having his portmanteau stuffed with bills, which 
 
 cost him twelve and a half cents on the dollar, and 
 which he resolved to lay out in new lands before the 
 failure of the bank should be known in the regions of 
 the far west. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 i7l 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Containing little more than what might he expected. 
 
 The fall of hops, the roguery of Don Doubloon, and 
 
 the failure of the Bank put the last finish to the 
 
 misfortunes of our house. Nothing could save us. There 
 was no possibility of raising the wind. All the arts and 
 shifts in the world would not have availed us for that 
 purpose. The dashing house of Hazard, Griffin & Co. 
 was obliged to own itself bankrupt. 
 
 We arranged the matter with our creditors, and ob- 
 tained a release in the usual mode. Our effects paid no 
 more than thirty cents on the dollar. This was indeed a 
 sad failure ; and, though the finishing stroke was owing to 
 
 The Don and the bills, I could not help reflecting 
 
 on our imprudence, our inordinate spirit of speculation, 
 and our impatience to grow rich without waiting the re- 
 sult of our regular gains. Our business, before com- 
 mencing the cotton speculation, was prosperous; and 
 even after that, we might, with care and eco.nomy, have 
 weathered the point. But, fools that w r e were ! we must 
 
172 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 needs run into the hop speculation, in order to retrieve 
 our losses in the cotton. And so we were ruined. 
 
 I must confess it did not set perfectly w-ell on my con- 
 science, that so many persons should he injured through 
 our rashness and imprudence. It is common I know 
 for people to launch out in speculations, regardless of 
 whom they may injure, so that there is the least chance 
 of making a profit to themselves. But the commonness 
 of the proceeding does not alter its moral complexion : 
 and no man, who owes money, I am convinced, can jus- 
 tify himself for hazarding his means by embarking in 
 rash and doubtful undertakings. 
 
 But the more a man engages in speculations; the 
 more he adventures in the road of fortune ; the more he 
 becomes hackneyed in the ways of trade ; and especially 
 the oftener he fails, and gets quit of his creditors without 
 paying his debts: the less tender his conscience grows 
 on the subject of doing to others as he would have them 
 do to him. So debasing are the arts and shifts which are 
 too apt to prevail in a mercantile community. 
 
 But moralizing on the subject of my too adventurous 
 course, did not mend the matter, now that the mischief 
 was done. I was not worth a penny — nay, I was thou- 
 sands of dollars worse than nothing. What course was 
 I to take now ? What road should I next mark out for 
 myself? Should I clerk it again? Should I go and 
 humbly offer my services to Thomas Steady & Sons, 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 173 
 
 after twice leaving - their employ, where I was doing well 
 enough for myself? Or should I advertise in the pa- 
 pers, A broken merchant wishes employment as a clerk ! 
 Inquire of William Hazard, formerly of the house of 
 Launch & Hazard, and lately of the firm of Hazard, 
 Griffin & Co., Pearl street ! 
 
 I was not exactly prepared for this step. I was not 
 yet reduced to that absolute state of starvation, that I 
 could stomach the idea of again going over the ground 
 I had already twice travelled. But I had no desire to 
 eat the bread of idleness ; and if I had who was to give 
 it to me % Hospitality is not the virtue of great cities ■ 
 and few individuals are ever found in a trading com- 
 munity, who are willing to give a man his meat and 
 lodging, and clothe him into the bargain, merely for the 
 consideration of his good looks, his good company, or 
 his sweet conversation. 
 
 16 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 175 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 / 
 
 Wherein the hero adventures upon — nothing in particular. 
 
 While I was debating with myself which way to turn 
 next, I received a letter from my father, inviting me to re- 
 turn home and set up business in my native village of 
 Spreadaway ; and offering me a thousand dollars, ready 
 money, to commence operations upon. He hinted that 
 my old master, Squire Dawson would be willing to 
 take me in for a partner, and give me an equal share 
 of the profits, though he would not require me to furnish 
 a fourth part of the capital — being, as my father said , 5 
 in want of an active young man to take the burden of 
 trade from his shoulders, now that he was growing old 
 and especially as his time was a good deal occupied 
 with his office, as principal Justice of Peace of that 
 town. 
 
 My father also kindly hinted something about the old 
 Squire being worth money, and having no chick nor 
 child, except Mary, and her still unmarried. My 
 mother was more explicit ; for, in a postscript to my 
 
176 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 father’s letter, she insisted upon it that I should abso- 
 lutely come home and marry Mary ; and become the 
 son-in-law, as -well as the partner, of Squire Dawson, 
 She expatiated in very warm terms upon the girl’s good 
 looks and good qualities ; and declared she always in- 
 tended I should marry her. She even went so far as to 
 say the young lady was waiting for me, and ready, like 
 ripe fruit, to drop into my mouth, whenever I should 
 open it for that purpos e. 
 
 A fudge for such a story ! said I, as I crumpled that 
 part of the letter. The beautiful, the divine, the modest 
 Mary ready to drop into a gentleman’s mouth, like an 
 over ripe peach! fie upon the story! And yet it was 
 not every gentleman whose mouth this charming fruit 
 was so ready to favor — it was only my mouth. That 
 made a difference — nay, all the difference in the world; 
 and smoothing out the letter again, I found that passage 
 in my mother’s postscript, after the twentieth reading, very 
 tolerable. 
 
 Now here was in truth a great temptation. I could 
 get rid of poverty and get a pretty wife at the same time. 
 But, in order to do so, I must return to Spreadaway, 
 which, as I have before mentioned, I had positively re- 
 solved not to do, unless I could return to it a richer man 
 than I left it. I was proud when I formed that resolu- 
 tion ; and though twice a bankrupt, I was proud still. 
 My motives for not returning, were rather strengthened 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 177 
 
 by this second failure. The peole of Spreadaway would 
 exult more than ever at this second blow to what they 
 would call my pride and folly. The twice city merchant, 
 they would say, after being twice bankrupt, has returned 
 to his own village at last, to get a living among those that 
 he once turned his back upon. Well, I always thought 
 how ’twould be — I did. 
 
 No, said I, neither father, nor mother, nor Squire 
 Dawson, nor the village of Spreadaway, nor even Mary 
 herself shall see me in my present condition. It will 
 never do. My pride is not sufficiently humbled yet. But 
 the lovely Mary — I longed to see her. Of all the wo- 
 men in the world, so far as I was acquainted, I would 
 have preferred her for my wife. Indeed, before the dis- 
 asters of the cotton and the hop speculation, I had almost 
 made up my mind to go and woo her, win her if I could, 
 and make a city dame of her. 
 
 The truth is, I had never said a word to Mary on the 
 subject of love, matrimony, or any thing of the kind. 
 Whatever my thoughts had been, I had kept them to 
 myself. I was under no obligation to her therefore, ex- 
 cept to love and esteein her, which for the life of me I 
 could not well help. But from any agreement, promise, 
 or conversational obligation of. any kind, I was perfectly 
 free. I might therefore marry whom I would, or whom 
 I could, and nobody had a right to forbid the bans, or to 
 
 say, I have a prior claim upon you. 
 
 16 * 
 
178 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 By the way, speaking of matrimony, I must say some- 
 thing of certain ingenious attempts, made in my more 
 prosperous days, to draw me into a city match. But I 
 reserve that for a new chapter. 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 179 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 Which shows that there are more perils than those of Pearl street . 
 
 Pretty soon after my second commencement in trade, 
 I had gone to board at Mrs. Starchy’s, a famous estab- 
 lishment in Broadway, where sundry young merchants 
 of the first chop, and other fashionable gentlemen of the 
 city, were wont to board. Why it was so I know not, 
 except that it was all the ton to board at Mrs. Starchy’s. 
 Perhaps the high price had some effect in drawing cus- 
 tom : for, whenever an establishment, whether hotel or 
 boarding-house, has the name of charging twice as much 
 for its accommodations as they are worth, it is sure to 
 be reckoned a house of high standing, and will inevita- 
 bly get a certain class of custom — a class, who would 
 turn up their noses at the best accommodations in the 
 world, provided they were put at a low price. 
 
 If such were not the reasons for crowding the rooms 
 and the table of my landlady, I know not in truth what 
 they were. In saying this, I perceive that I must stand 
 convicted, out of my own mouth, of the most egregious 
 
180 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 folly, in having myself been a boarder at Mrs. Starchy 1 s. 
 But this, as well as many other things in my life which 
 I could earnestly wish were expunged, forms a part of 
 my history, and as such I must record it. 
 
 Mrs Starchy’s accommodations were certainly no bet- 
 ter than those of hundreds of others, who made less pre- 
 tensions and asked a less price ; and there was nothing 
 either in the beauty of her person, or the gentleness of 
 her manners to recommend her. She was a woman 
 about fifty years of age. She had indeed an erect figure, 
 but a most forbidding aspect. Her nose was long and 
 sharp, her cheek bones high, her lips thin and compress- 
 ed, and her whole expression severe and repulsive. 
 
 In her dress, however, Mrs. Starchy was exceedingly 
 particular. She was not only the very pink of cleanli- 
 ness, but she was dressed, as they say of the dandies, 
 within an inch of her life. But she did not stop here; 
 she did not content herself with being most particularly 
 exact in regard to her own dress : she assumed the 
 power of regulating the dress of her boarders. She in- 
 sisted upon it that they should not appear at her table, 
 or in her drawing-room in pantaloons; but that they 
 should inevitably Wear small-clothes — -ay, and small- 
 clothes, particularly cut' too, with the legs descending 
 just to the top of the calf, and neatly fastened with ri- 
 bands instead of buckles. She also prescribed the num- 
 ber of buttons to the coat, the precise length and shape 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 181 
 
 of the waistcoat, and in a particular manner forbid the 
 wearing of stocks, which had latterly so much taken the 
 place of cravats. In short, Mrs. Starchy declared she 
 would not have a gentleman in her house, who did not 
 conform to her arrangements in regard to dress ; and 
 she took the liberty of expelling from the table all such 
 gentlemen as in any manner proved refractory to her 
 orders. 
 
 Such was Mrs. Starchy. But she was withal some- 
 thing of a match-maker. She usually kept about her a 
 number of fair cousins, of all ages and all degrees of 
 affinity, which she was ready to dispose of to the high- 
 est bidder — that is to say, to whoever had the most 
 money, and was at the same time willing to take them. 
 Some of these sweet damsels were indeed a little the 
 worse for age, and others not very marketable on ac- 
 count of their homeliness. But these only went the 
 cheaper ; while those, who were younger and better 
 looking, stood for a higher price. 
 
 One of the former class was directed to lay siege to 
 me. She was not above ten years my senior, and I de- 
 clare upon the word of an honest man, I have seen 
 worse looking women than she. It is true, she wanted 
 an eye — and Scudder supplied one. She wanted teeth 
 — and Woffendale made them. She wanted hair — and 
 
 — furnished it. She wanted hips---and Can- 
 
 telo supplied them. She wanted — in short, whatever 
 
182 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEABL STREET. 
 
 she wanted, the artists were ready to supply all deficien- 
 cies. It was easier however to accommodate her wants, 
 than to rid her of certain superfluities. They could not 
 take away the unnecessary ten years, and they could not 
 cure her of an unpleasant breath. 
 
 Why she should lay siege to me, it may seem some- 
 what marvellous, especially as, among Mrs. Starchy’s 
 boarders, there were bachelors who could count their 
 thousands, when I could only count my tens. The pe- 
 culiar circumstances of her age and person perhaps 
 might account for it ; and it is not unlikely that she had 
 more than once been defeated in her attemprs on the 
 more wealthy of the single gentlemen. 
 
 Would that they had had her, or that the devil had had" 
 her, or any other single gentleman, before she had even 
 fixed her odious affections upon me. They were quite 
 oppressive, annoying, tormenting. She would be sure 
 to get her seat beside me at table, or at least as near as 
 circumstances would permit ; and finding that I had a 
 preference for certain of the eatables, she would con- 
 tinually vex me with offers and solicitations, that I would 
 allow her to help me to such and such delicate titbits, 
 which she was sure I was fond of, and which, if I hap- 
 pened to be a little late, she avered she had some on pur- 
 pose for me. 
 
 And then knowing that I was fond of reading, she 
 would take pains to procure certain books for my espe- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 183 
 
 cial use — particularly such as were filled with love and 
 matrimony — which she insisted upon it I must read. 
 And then she would talk most romantically, and ask me 
 if I was fond of moon-light walks, and mountain scenes, 
 and water views. And then she would play the piano, 
 and sing Moore’s songs as melodiously as a screech- 
 owl. And then she would sigh as odoriferously as the 
 wind passing over a bed of garlicks. 
 
 But why need I mention all her fond attempts on my 
 heart? Suffice it to say, they were intolerable ; and I 
 bade adieu to the lovely Laura, to small-clothes, and 
 Mrs. Starchy, at the same time — inwardly vowing to 
 myself that I would never again be caught at a board- 
 ing-house, where the landlady prescribed breeches, and 
 her fair cousins and nieces aspired to the privilege of 
 wearing them. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 185 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Showing that poverty and pride are sometimes very near relatives. 
 
 To resume the course of my history — from which I 
 have retrograded a little, out of compliment to Mrs. 
 Starchy and her fair relatives, I could not bring myself 
 to accept any father’s offer of a thousand dollars, nor my 
 mother’s invitation to marry the* lovely Mary ; though 
 money was of all things that which I most wanted, and 
 though Mary Dawson was of all women the very one 
 whom I would have chosen to marry. I say, I could 
 not briqg myself to accept these things, which my fin- 
 gers were itching for — and all because, in so doing, I 
 must have humbled my pride so far as to have ieturned 
 to Spreadaway. 
 
 I despise a purse-proud man. Of all odious beings 
 he is one of the most hateful. Give me any sort of 
 aristocracy before a monied one. An aristocracy of 
 learning - T - an aristocracy of wit ; an aristocracy of vir- 
 tue ; in short, an aristocracy of talents, or good qualities 
 17 
 
186 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 of any kind, is the only one which is endurable — is the 
 only one which is rational proper. 
 
 In relation to pride, however, though insufferably 
 odious in a rich man, it is very excusable in a poor one. 
 Excusable did I say? Nay, it is absolutely necessary, 
 in many cases, to preserve his honor, to defend him from 
 the world’s scorn, to secure him from purse-proud inso- 
 lence, to prevent him from being trampled in the dust. 
 
 But this pride is sometimes carried too far ; and, from 
 being a virtue when possessed in moderation, it becomes 
 a vice by its very excess. How far I may have erred 
 in this respect, I will not at present stop to decide ; but 
 merely say, that the result of my debate on my father’s 
 offer and my mother’s invitation, was, that I would not 
 yet return to Spreadaway, though twenty thousand dol- 
 lars were offered me, and though twenty Mary Daw- 
 stfns stood ready to welcome my return. Alas ! into 
 what extravagance will not poverty and pride drive a 
 man ? 
 
 While I was yet in doubt what course to pursue, and 
 was strolling in a despondent mind, through Pearl street, 
 like a ghost wandering over the scene of its former ex- 
 istence, I came plump up against some living substance ; 
 and on looking up, I perceived before me my old ene- 
 my Peter Funk. He appeared the same identical plump, 
 self-complacent, consequential little rascal I had former- 
 ly known him. He did not seem a day older. There 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 187 
 
 'he stood, with his snuff-box in his hand, and a malicious 
 grin on his face, as much to say, Well ! well ! Master 
 Hazard, you’re doubtless pretty well punished by this 
 time for rejecting the services ol Peter Funk. 
 
 I stepped aside, and attempted to pass without noticing 
 him, when he also stepped aside the same way, so as to 
 stand again directly before me. This was too provoking. 
 I raised my foot therefore, and was about letting drive'full 
 at the belly of the rascal, when, offering me his open 
 snuff-box, he said, with an air of mock compassion, 
 “ Come, take a pinch of comfort, Master Hazard. This 
 is excellent mackaboy — Lorillard’sbest. Fie! fie! sir, 
 don’t look so desponding. What ! man, do you go mop 
 ing about the streets, with your head down, forgetful of 
 your old acquaintance? and all because of a second 
 failure? Pooh! sir, it is nothing to fail twice. Every 
 merchant in Pearl street has failed at least three times, 
 and some seven or eight. A failure is nothing — it is 
 the only way to get rich, man. Never despond ; but 
 commence business again. Open a new store. I’ll do 
 all I can to assist you in the way of business — particu- 
 larly at the auctions. You know I’m your friend 
 of old. 
 
 “ Get out of my way, you little devil you ! said I, giv- 
 ing him a smart kick, which sent him topsy-turvy over 
 a bale of domestic goods. Before he could recover him- 
 self, I was pretty well out of his way ; but I heard him 
 
188 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 bawling after me, and swearing I would never get rich 
 in the world, while I was so neglectful of his good 
 offices. 
 
 I held Peter in the greatest contempt, as I did, and 
 always have done, all manner of false knaves ; never- 
 theless I would willingly have taken his advice, so far 
 as to embark a third time in trade, had I well known 
 how to accomplish it : for, in truth. I began, not only to 
 be tired of the useless manner in which I was spending 
 my time, but also to be heartily ashamed of my despon- 
 dency and want of enterprise. In a word, I began to 
 be desirous of again embarking in trade. 
 
 But the means— what was I to do for want of means? 
 
 46 Why, do as others do,” said Peter Funk, who, as I 
 was alone in my room, revolving the subject in my mind, 
 and perhaps uttering my thoughts aloud, all at once 
 stood before me. 
 
 “ How came you in here ?” said I, at the same time 
 making a demonstration with my foot to eject him. 
 
 “I came in at the door,” said he, “ I — ” 
 
 “ Very well, you shall go out at the window.” As I 
 said this, I took him up, as I would a cat, and tossed 
 him through the open casement. Then immediately 
 recollecting that my room was four stories high, I 
 thought to myself, I have killed the little devil ; and 
 rushing to the window, to see, I beheld him bounding 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 189 
 
 like a foot ball ; when, lighting on his feet, and a great 
 crowd gathering round him, I saw him no more. 
 
 “ Do as others do ?” said I to myself, “ true enough, 
 why not? Others fail and commence business again 
 without a penny : and why may not I ? But the impu- 
 dence — where shall I obtain the impudence to ask for 
 credit on goods in my present circumstances? It will 
 never do — never.” 
 
 17 ’ 
 

 ■ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 . 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 191 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 Proving conclusively that uncurrent money is not to he despised. 
 
 While my circumstances and my prospects were thus 
 desperate, I went one day into a broker’s office to get 
 current money for a western bill, which happened to be 
 five per cent below par. It was my last ten dollars. 
 
 “ Shan’t I sell you a ticket to-day ?” said the broker, 
 who also kept a lottery office. 
 
 “I never dabble in those things,” said I— “ I never 
 bought a ticket in my life.” 
 
 “ Then you’ve never been in the road to fortune.” 
 
 £ ‘ True enough, but I’ve been in the road to misfor- 
 tune.” 
 
 “ Well, that you may not miss fortune any longer,” 
 said he— for, like all his tribe, he was notorious, not only 
 for puffiing but punning — “ I advise you to purchase a 
 ticket.” 
 
 “ I’ve no faith in them.” 
 
 “We take uncurrent money for tickets.” 
 
 “ But that will not benefit me, if I lose.” 
 
192 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 “Lose! whew! there’s no such thing in the book.” 
 
 “ What hook?” 
 
 “Why the — hem! — the hook of fate I mean— =why,. 
 sir, the scheme is particularly rich — uncommonly so. 
 There are not above two blanks to a prize. The highest 
 prize is fifty thousand dollars — and we sell all the high 
 prizes.” 
 
 “ What is the price of tickets?” 
 
 “ Only ten dollars. Shall I give you a ticket in ex- 
 change for the bill? You will save the discount in that 
 way.” 
 
 True, but I shall be rather short of cash.” 
 
 “ Half a ticket then ?” 
 
 “ No— it’s more than I can afford to lose. A quarter 
 will do.” 
 
 “But you will not expect me to give current money 
 for the balance ?” 
 
 “ Of course — otherwise I don’t take the ticket.’* 
 
 “ Umph! — well, no matter — it takes sadly from my 
 profits — but I’m set upon selling you a prize. Have 
 you any choice in the numbers?” 
 
 “ Choice ! no — one number is as good as aitother to 
 throw away money upon.” 
 
 I took the first quarter I came to, and thrusting it 
 carelessly into my pocket, left the office. The lottery 
 drew the same day ; but I thought so little of my ticket, 
 that it was not until some days afterwards, when my mo- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 193 
 
 ney was entirely spent, that it came into my head to in- 
 quire the result of my adventure. I was surprised. The 
 blind goddess had been astonishingly favorable. She 
 had showered money into my lap— -no less than a quar- 
 ter of the highest prize. 
 
 Oh that I had purchased a whole ticket ! said I to my- 
 self, as I left the lottery office, with my pockets full of 
 bank bills — Oh that I had purchased a whole ticket, in- 
 stead of that good-for-nothing quarter ! — And yet if I 
 had, thought I, on further reflection, I should probably 
 have drawn a blank — at all events I should have got no 
 part of the highest prize. On the whole, perhaps, it is 
 as well as it is. 
 
 In truth, I had good reason to be satisfied. After 
 taking out the envious discount of fifteen per cent — 
 which makes such an enormous inroad into all lottery 
 prizes — I had ten thousand six hundred and twenty-five 
 dollars left. With the odd six hundred and twenty-five, 
 I paid all my individual debts, and replenished my 
 wardrobe, which had begun by this time to be very bare. 
 As to the company debts, said I, both of the first and 
 the last firm, they must wait till I get rich, when I will 
 pay at least my share of them — nay, should I be rich 
 enough, I will pay the whole. At present, I must keep 
 the ten thousand to trade upon. 
 
 So great had been my luck this time, that I felt 
 strongly tempted to adventure again in the lottery. But 
 
194 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 no, said I to myself on reflection, I will be content with 
 this. I will husband my present means ; I will make 
 good use of the blessings of heaven already accorded me, 
 lest by venturing further I lose the whole. 
 
 The blessing of heaven, did I say ? There are some 
 good men, who profess to doubt whether money obtained 
 by lottery will ever be followed by the blessing of hea- 
 ven. It is sinful, say they, and “What comes over the 
 devil’s back, will be sure to go under his belly.” 
 
 It shall not all go under his belly, thought I : and so 
 I paid the individual debts above mentioned, and equipt 
 myself with a new suit of clothes before I slept. The 
 rest of the money I put under lock and key, resolving 
 the very, next day to lay it out in goods. During the 
 night I dreamt of nothing but cash. At one time I 
 thought I had a hundred thousand dollars, in hard 
 money; and more was every minute pouring in upon 
 me: insomuch that my greatest trouble was to know 
 where to put it. Then again it all vanished. The 
 gold and the silver turned to paper, the paper turned to 
 dust, and the wind swept it away. 
 
 Thank heaven ! said I, as I awoke, it is nothing but a 
 dream. Nevertheless the first thing I did in the morn- 
 ing, after dressing myself, was, to see whether my money 
 was safe. I found it all precisely as I had left it. Every 
 dollar was there. Fie ! said I to myself, what ridicu- 
 lous superstition is this, which fancies that money, got^ 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 195 
 
 ten in a lottery, will not stick by one ! Why, for the 
 matter of that, what is mercantile business, but a lottery ? 
 nay, a game of hazard, in which some who venture little 
 win much, and others who venture a good deal lose all ? 
 
 But this ten thousand dollars — I’ll try once more. 
 I'll not be driven from Pearl street without another effort. 
 So said, so done. I laid out my money in merchandize, 
 got credit for four times that amount, and for the third 
 time commenced wholesale dealer in dry goods. 
 
 I now determined to do business entirely alone. Part- 
 nership, I had often heard my father say, was a bad 
 ship to embark in. I had already tried, first two, and 
 then three partners, and had failed both times. Not that 
 l had any particular reason to find fault with either of 
 them. But I now resolved, as the man fought at York- 
 town, to go “ upon my own hook.” If I get rich, said I 3 
 the money will all be mine. If I fail— ah ! there’s the 
 rub. But I do not intend to fail this time. I have 
 grown wise by experience ; and it is pity I should not 
 weather the point this bout. 
 

 * 
 
 ' 
 
 
 
 
 
 -■ (•' •• 
 
 ■ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ' 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 197 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 Which shows that even a razor may he too sharp. 
 
 If I entered upon business the third time with high 
 hopes, and. as I thought, flattering prospects, I had no 
 reason for some time to he dissatisfied with the results. 
 I did a respectable share of business, and, as far as I 
 could discover, a profitable and safe one. I had learned 
 something by experience. I became more cautious 
 than formerly whom I trusted. Where the parties 
 were unknown to me, I required the best of recommen- 
 dations : thinking it better now and then to lose a cus- 
 tomer, and so save my goods, than to win a customer 
 with the imminent hazard of losing them. 
 
 Thus I went on, doing business with the most prudent 
 caution, and making myself secure, as I believed, of 
 losing little or nothing. But, alas ! what degree of 
 caution, what amount of foresight, is sufficient to guard 
 a man against losses ? 
 
 Some of those, who had been my former customers, 
 
 both under the firms of Launch & Hazard, and of 
 
 18 
 
i98 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Hazard, Griffin & Co., and had never failed to meet 
 their payments, now broke, and subjected me to consi- 
 derable loss. Others, who came with undoubted recom 
 mendations, not only of character but of perfect respon- 
 sibility, likewise failed. These, in every instance, how- 
 ever, paid me something. 
 
 But there was one case in which, by the foulest of all 
 tricks of trade, I suffered severely. A respectable look- 
 ing merchant, from Connecticut, came to me, accompa. 
 nied by Richard Razor, a well-known dealer in hard- 
 ware and cutlery, in Pearl street. He was introduced 
 as a merchant from the land of “steady habits,” where 
 people always pay their debts. He wished to purchase 
 a c onsiderable bill of dry goods, on the usual credit. 
 
 I received him politely of course, assured him I should 
 be very happy of his custom, and acknowledged that 
 the recommendation of so good a man as Mr. Razor 
 was sufficient to obtain a man credit the world over. 
 This I said partly in the way of gentlemanly politeness ; 
 but, in truth, I considered the introduction of a purchaser, 
 by a merchant of such standing as the hardware dealer, 
 to be perfectly satisfactory ; and I should not have hesi- 
 tated to trust him to any reasonable amount. 
 
 Nevertheless, I thought it no harm to inquire of 
 neighbor Razor a little more circumstantially into the 
 condition of his friend. Wherefore, taking him to the 
 other end of my store, under pretence of showing him 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 199 
 
 some remarkably fine broadcloth, I asked him if he was 
 well acquainted with Mr. Griggs, the merchant from 
 Connecticut. 
 
 “ Oh, perfectly,” said he — “ I know him as well as 
 I know you, and a great deal better for that matter.” 
 
 “ Has he been long engaged in trade ?” 
 
 “ Oh, yes, for several years.” 
 
 “You have dealt with him more or less, I suppose?” 
 “ Dealt ! indeed I have, thousands of dollars.” 
 “Repays punctually, of course?” 
 
 “ There’s no mistake about that.” 
 
 “ You would’ nt think there was any danger in trust- 
 ing him to the amount of a thousand dollars, would 
 you ?” 
 
 “ Danger ! I tell you, friend Hazard, on the word of 
 a man of honor, I’ve trusted him to more than twice that 
 amount.” 
 
 “ And if a man of your prudence and sagacity trusts 
 him, surely there is no occasion for me to hesitate.” 
 
 “ There is no mistake about that.” 
 
 Mr. Razor took his leave, and I congratulated myself 
 very highly on the acquisition of my new customer. 
 These Connecticut people, said I, always pay ; besides 
 a man w'hom Razor trusts, must be good indeed. 
 
 Mr. Griggs was disposed to deal largely ; and for 
 my part, I was quite as much inclined to sell as he was 
 to purchase. In a word, he took this thing, and that, 
 
200 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 and the other, in such generous quantities, that his bill 
 amounted to nearly two thousand dollars. The goods 
 were delivered on board the steamboat, and he gave me 
 his note for six months. 
 
 I was particularly well pleased with my trade. This 
 Mr. Griggs is an excellent customer, said I. He buys 
 liberally, and says little or nothing about the price. 1 
 wish I had a thousand such customers. 
 
 But if such was my wish at that time, I had reason to 
 wish differently two days afterwards: for I was inform- 
 ed that my friend Razor had followed Mr. Griggs, and 
 as soon as the goods I had sold him were fairly landed 
 in Connecticut, seized them by a writ of attachment, for 
 the payment of a long-standing debt, which he could not 
 otherwise obtain. 
 
 “ I’ll not believe a word of it, said I. Friend Razor 
 would not treat me thus. He would not be guilty of 
 such villany. If he has no conscience, his own interest, 
 his reputation would restrain him. 
 
 “ Ha ! ha ! ha !” roared a voice a few feet from me. 
 I turned to look, and there was Peter Funk, grinning 
 more maliciously than I had ever seen him before. 
 
 Ha! ha! ha! repeated he — “there’s where you’re 
 mistaken, friend Hazard. No man, who understands 
 his interest, would stick at playing a like game. Razor 
 now is a wise and prudent merchant ; and the conduct 
 you are so ready to cry out against, is merely one of the 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 201 
 
 tricks of trade. Fie ! fie, man ! you are quite too sim- 
 ple, too honest, too unsophisticated.” 
 
 “Is it true then, that — but you’re so great a liar, 
 there’s no depending upon you. I’ll go and see Razor 
 myself.” 
 
 As I said this, I posted away to the store of the hard- 
 ware merchant, and taxed him with what I had heard. 
 He did not deny it; and when I asked him with what 
 face he could think of deceiving me thus 1 he put his 
 hand on my shoulder and exclaimed, “ My dear sir, I 
 hope you won’t take any offence. What I did was all 
 in the way of trade.” 
 
 “ In the way of trade !” exclaimed I ; and as I shook 
 his hand from my shoulder, by some accident or other 
 my foot came against his supporters in such a manner 
 as to strike them from under him, when he fell with his 
 back across the edge of a frying-pan, which happened 
 to stand just in the way. The fall was a hard one, and 
 the material upon which he fell was hard, as well as 
 rather sharp. 
 
 At first I was afraid he was dead. The breath cer- 
 tainly was pretty fairly knocked out of him. At length, 
 however, he began to recover — I mean to recover his 
 breathing — for as to the effects of the fall, he has never 
 recovered from them to this day. The spine, somewhere 
 about the small of his back, was so severely injured, that 
 18 * 
 
202 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 he has never been able to stand np straight since; and 
 he still continues to hobble about upon crutches, in a 
 manner not to he envied, though offset with the gain of 
 two thousand dollars. 
 
 But my friend Razor was not satisfied with this gain. 
 He resolved upon fleecing me still further, in the shape 
 of damages on account of his broken hack. According- 
 ly he brought his action for twenty thousand dollars ; 
 and so sure was he of winning, that — as it appeared in 
 evidence — he had said to his surgeon, “ Lay it on, doc- 
 tor ! — lay it on— make out a good round bill. I’ll let 
 the rascal know he shan’t break a man’s back for no- 
 thing.” 
 
 Thus instructed, the doctor was not at all backward 
 about laying it on, which he did to the amount of 
 nearly five hundred dollars. But Mr. Razor here 
 proved too sharp for himself, having to learn to his cost, 
 that it is one thing to sue for damages, and another to re- 
 cover them. In this case, he failed in one very material 
 point, namely, that of evidence. Nobody had seen my 
 foot strike his. He might have fallen across the frying- 
 pan of his own accord, for what the court and jury knew. 
 And so the plaintiff was nonsuited. 
 
 I, on my part, had brought a cross action for the value 
 of the goods sold to the Connecticut merchant. But, 
 like my antagonist, I also failed in the material point of 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 203 
 
 evidence. As nobody had seen me trip him up, so the 
 same universal nobody had heard him recommend the 
 Connecticut merchant. I therefore, like my antagonist, 
 gained nothing, but the‘ loss of my suit. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ' : 
 
 
 ;V, 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ■ 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 205 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII 
 
 From which the reader may learn to be cautious how he lends 
 his name. 
 
 Here were two thousand dollars gone, besides a pretty 
 round sum which I paid in court fees, attorneys’ fees, 
 and counsellors’ fees — making, in all, the considerable 
 amount of two thousand five hundred dollars. But the 
 hardware dealer was not the hardest rogue I found in 
 Pearl street. 
 
 I had been in the practice, as I have already men- 
 tioned, of lending my name to the use of Gumption 
 & Plunket, and receiving the benefit of theirs in return. 
 This was sometimes done by endorsing their notes, and 
 sometimes by lending them my own — a practice not at 
 all uncommon in a mercantile community. 
 
 Gumption & Plunket had failed, as well as I. But 
 being again on their legs, and doing a more extensive 
 business than ever, I had renewed my arrangement with 
 them for the reciprocal use of their name. It was some- 
 
206 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 thing like a year after commencing business the last 
 time, that 1 had lent them my note for one thousand dol- 
 lars, payable three months after date. I had no doubt 
 they would take it up the moment it was due ; and I 
 heard no more of it until within fifteen minutes of three 
 o’clock on the last day of grace ; when Gumption came 
 running to me, nearly out of breath, and begged I would 
 renew my note, for it was utterly out of his power to pay 
 it that day, having been sorely disappointed in some 
 money which he expected at two o’clock, but which had 
 not yet come. 
 
 “ Well, Mr. Gumption,” said I, “ this is rather a late 
 hour. It is difficult to turn one’s self in so short a 
 space. You should have looked out sooner.” 
 
 “ Why, so I would,” replied he, in the softest and 
 most insinuating tone ; “ but I had’nt the smallest sus- 
 picion but what I should have received the money at 
 two o’clock, as I mentioned ; and so I waited, and wait- 
 ed — you know we are all liable to be deceived. But 
 there is’nt a moment to lose. If you’ll just set your hand 
 to this note, which I’ve got already drawn, you’ll do me 
 a thousand favors, besides enabling me to take up your 
 other note forthwith.” 
 
 I did as he desired. But what was my astonishment 
 the next day, to find myself served with a protest ! I 
 knew the infernal notary at sight — having before suffer- 
 ed, through his agency. Besides the very outside ap- 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 207 
 
 pearance of the bit of paper he handed me, as it was 
 folded up, had a condemning look. 
 
 41 What does this mean?” said I. “ My notes are all 
 paid — I owe no hank any thing.” 
 
 “ Perhaps you’ll think differently,” said he, coolly, 
 “ on perusal of that paper.” 
 
 I tore it open, and lo ! the truth stared me in the face. 
 It was a protest for the non-payment of my note of one 
 thousand dollars, -which I supposed Gumption & Plun- 
 ket had taken up the day before. Here was a pretty 
 piece of business indeed ! It was thus I got served for 
 doing an act of kindness. My name was dishonored by 
 being lent to the use of my neighbors ! 
 
 But this was not the worst of it ; for it turned out, 
 that Gumption & Plunket had got my last note discount- 
 ed at some other bank, and had put the money in their 
 own pocket. But neither was this the worst — for in two 
 days afterwards they failed, and I had both notes to pay 
 — making another clear loss of two thousand dollars. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 ■ 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 209 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Which shows that a young rogue may chance never to he an 
 old one. ’ 
 
 In addition to other losses, I suffered not a little by 
 the dishonesty of one of my clerks. He was a very 
 young man, and in England would have been called 
 and treated as an apprentice. But, in America, our boys 
 are more precocious. They have hardly laid aside 
 their bibs, short jackets, and falling collars, before they 
 are desirous of figuringas men, and usurping the place 
 of their elders. 
 
 But if this precocious ambition discovered itself merely 
 in aspiring to the place or the wages of their elders, 
 though sufficiently arrogant, little real harm perhaps 
 would come of it. These doughty youngsters, how- 
 ever, are not apt to be so confined in their desires. Not 
 only do they aspire to the appointments — to the offiee 
 and emoluments of a man ; but they are ambitious like- 
 wise of running into all the expenses and pleasures of "a 
 
 man. But whether they get the wages of more mature 
 19 
 
210 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 years and experience, or not, they are none the less emu- 
 lous of aspiring the pleasures^the show, and the expense 
 of their elders. 
 
 They are ambitious to prove their manhood to the ut- 
 termost. They must show themselves to be fellows of 
 some consequence among the softer sex. They must 
 have their amours. They must be lovers, as well as 
 men. But what kind of lovers % 
 
 Pah ! you shall hear one of these precocious rakes, 
 from sixteen to eighteen, boasting of his progress in the 
 path of the libertine ; recapitulating his achievements in 
 licentious love ; and talking, with all the skill of a con- 
 noisseur, of the charms and perfections of the mercenary 
 beauties of the metropolis. 
 
 But it is not boasting and talking only. Their amo- 
 rous experience very soon discovers itself in empty 
 pockets and mined constitutions. In short, these aspir- 
 ing young fellows become old rakes, before they have 
 fairly reached twenty-one. But this cannot come to pass 
 without expending considerable money. 
 
 To this is apt to be added the practice of gaming, in 
 one form or other, and to a greater or less degree: 
 sometimes at cards; sometimes at dice; sometimes at 
 billiards ; sometimes at the roulette table ; and sometimes 
 in the lotteries. 
 
 With these are united other bad practices of various 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 211 
 
 kinds— for each vice and folly is generally sure to have 
 its brothers ; and they are not only a numerous, but they 
 are also a ruinous, band. They require money. They 
 pick the pocket of the clerk and the apprentice ; and the 
 clerk and apprentice are sometimes driven to pick the 
 pocket of their employer, or master. 
 
 My clerk above-mentioned, whose name was George 
 Gilson, was, as I have said, a very young man. He 
 had been in the employ of another house, which, having 
 failed, had no further use for him. He came to me at 
 about the age of eighteen, and perfectly well recom- 
 mended. He was an active and intelligent youngster j 
 a good salesman, a good penman, and a good accountant. 
 
 I discovered, however, that he was not fond of devot- 
 ing his leisure hours to reading, to attendance on the 
 lectures at Clinton Hall, and to other means of cultivat- 
 ing his mind. Had he been so, I should have esteemed 
 him more. I should have considered these rational 
 modes of employing his leisure, as so many safeguards 
 to his moral habits, and so many pledges to the purity 
 and integrity of his character. 
 
 Nevertheless, as it was, I placed great confidence in 
 him. He was a useful clerk ; and though I gave him 
 but four hundred dollars per annum, his services seemed 
 to me scarcely less valuable than those of my senior 
 clerk, whose salary was twice that sum. But I was 
 not then aware of all he was likely to cost me. I had 
 
212 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 no doubts of his honesty, until he had been in my employ 
 for more than a year. I thought, indeed, that more 
 goods had gone out of the shop than I had got pay for 
 or had any account of. But I did not for a moment sus- 
 pect the rogue to be one my own household. I thought 
 it was some external thief; and I gave George, who 
 slept r in the store, particular charge to be watchful 
 against shop-breakers, and especially against all such 
 gentry as used false keys 
 
 Thus matters went on ; goods occasionally disappear- 
 ed; while George assured me that he watched sharp, 
 but neither shop-breaker nor thief could be detected. I 
 did not yet distrust the young man ; but thinking he 
 slept too soundly, I determined one night to aid his 
 slumbering vigilance by watching myself. I said nothing 
 of this to George, but just before the hour of closing, I 
 secreted myself behind a bale of goods. 
 
 There I lay ensconced until the Middle Dutch struck 
 eleven, and no noise was heard at the door, and no sign 
 of a thief appeared. He’ll come by and by thought I. 
 Thieves seldom begin to prowl before the hour of ele- 
 ven. I was right. He did soon come. But he came 
 from a quarter 1 did not expect. He came down stairs, 
 in the person of my honest and watchful clerk, George. 
 
 The young man brought a light with him, which 
 setting down, he presently proceeded to business, like 
 one who has got his plans already matured. He took 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 213 
 
 a large empty box, which he began to fill from the full 
 ones, taking a single piece of goods out of each ; he also 
 did the same with sundry bales — naturally judging, that 
 a single piece would not be readily missed from so 
 large a quantity as a box or a bale. 
 
 I said nothing, but let him work; though an involun- 
 tary movement of mine had well nigh betrayed me. He 
 looked towards the place where I lay. He held up the 
 candle awhile with a doubtful eye, and then setting it 
 down, exclaimed, as he renewed his work, “’Twas 
 nothing but the rats.” 
 
 Having filled his box, he nailed it up, and began to 
 tumble it towards the door, which he opened, and rolled 
 the box into the street. I now thought it time to bestir 
 myself. Rising therefore from behind my bale of goods, 
 I walked on tiptoe to where George was standing in the 
 door and making a signal, as if for some person without 
 to approach. I laid my hand on his shoulder. Hea- 
 vens ! how quick he fell ! Had it been the famed load 
 of Atlas, he could not have dropped more suddenly. 
 
 Just at this instant, a man with a hand-cart appeared. 
 On seeing me, he wheeled around, and was about making 
 off, when I seized him by the shoulder. “ What is your 
 business here,” said I, “■ at this time of night ?” 
 
 “ Faith, sir,” he replied, with an Irish brogue, “ it’s 
 no business at all I have here, wid your lave” — at the 
 
 same time endeavoring to escape. 
 
 19 * 
 
214 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 “ What are you here for, then ?” said I, still holding 
 fast. 
 
 “ I’m here to git meself intil a divilish bad box, I’m 
 afraid. But it was’nt the doins iv me mother’s son at 
 all at all.” 
 
 “ But why are you here ? and what have you to do 
 with my goods ?” 
 
 “I’ll have nothin to do wid them, if you’ll let me go. 
 But the case is jist here, Misther, for all the world : that 
 young gentleman, that lies there as dead as a sthone, he 
 engaged me till kim here, and carry a box iv goods till 
 Chatham sthrate, for five dollars, which is pratty good 
 pay for a poor Irishman.” 
 
 “ To Chatham street, ha ?” 
 
 “ Ay, sir, that is God’s thruth — as the young gintle- 
 man himself, that’s jist now kimin to life agin, can tell 
 you iv his oun accord — for he’s an honest man sure, or 
 yer honor would’nt thrust him.” 
 
 George had indeed by this time recovered his senses : 
 and he confirmed what the Irishman had said. He 
 moreover implored me to let the latter go, as he had 
 acted solely by his request, being tempted by the very 
 liberal reward he had offered him. 
 
 I did as he requested ; but first took the name of the 
 Hibernian, with the number of his cart, that I might 
 hold in my hands the power of correction, should I find 
 it necessary. As for poor George, he was now the 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 215 
 
 humblest, if not the most abject, of mortals. He con- 
 fessed that he had been for a long time in the habit of 
 purloining goods, in small quantities, which he had dis- 
 posed of to the pawnbrokers, and to such other receivers 
 of stolen articles as would advance the cash, in however 
 small sums; but he declared that this was the first and 
 only time, in which he had attempted to appropriate so 
 large a quantity. He went on to unfold the motives 
 which had led him to these crimes. They originated 
 in extravagant dress, in expensive pleasures, and in 
 gaming. He had become acquainted with other youths 
 of similar habits and dispositions ; and was thus con- 
 firmed in his outhreakings of folly and vice. 
 
 The salary I allowed him, though moderate, was 
 abundantly sufficient to support him creditably. But 
 his extravagant and vicious hahits required larger 
 means, and he had resorted to the course above detailed, 
 in order to provide them. Such were the motives, and 
 .such the criminal course of my clerk, George. His 
 case, I am happy to say, is not a common one ; though 
 there is far too much, and indeed I may .say, an unpar- 
 donable extravagance in the expenditures and amuse- 
 ments of many youths in a similar employment and situ- 
 ation. 
 
 To conclude with George, he implored me not to 
 make a public example of him — not to expose his crime 
 to the world. He did not ask to be retained in my ser- 
 
216 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET. 
 
 vice; he acknowledged that he had rendered himself 
 utterly unworthy of trust. He did not even propose to 
 remain in the city, or the United States. His plan was 
 to emigrate to South America, where — having already 
 a smattering of Spanish — he hoped to get employment ; 
 and, if his secret was kept, in time, to outgrow the effects 
 of this unpromising commencement, as well as to repay 
 me for the goods — amounting to something like eight 
 hundred dollars — which he had from time to time ab- 
 stracted from my premises. 
 
 This last consideration weighed very little with me, 
 for I cannot say I entertained much hopes of his 
 amendment. Nevertheless, I had no desire to make a 
 public example of the youth, well knowing that the 
 most unlikely way in the world of reclaiming a man, is, 
 to disgrace him. I therefore permitted George to go, 
 furnished him with money to pay his passage to the 
 Spanish Main, and kept his secret. 
 
 But, alas ! how difficult is reformation, when a series 
 of bad habits have led to the commission of crime 1 
 Poor George 1 all my clemency was thrown away upon 
 him: for, in less than a year, news was received, that 
 he was captured along with a nest of pirates, in the Gulf 
 of Mexico, and suffered the last award of human law, 
 in company with half a dozen murderous Spaniards, 
 P6rtuguese, and other robbers of the sea. 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET 
 
 217 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 Showing how a man may rob himself in order to rob another. 
 
 But my losses did not end here. I had a hill of 
 about fifteen hundred dollars against a merchant in 
 Ohio, who came semi-annually to New- York, to pur- 
 chase goods. At the last purchase, he had got an ex- 
 tension of credit for the previous one, hut promised me, 
 on his sacred word and honor, that I should he paid the 
 whole amount the next time he came to the city. 
 
 When the|last six months had expired, and I was now 
 in daily expectation of this money, who should enter my 
 store, indeed, but the identical Mr. Corning, the Ohio 
 merchant ; hut with a face so miserably long and wo-be- 
 gone, that I immediately began to entertain apprehen- 
 sions for the fate of my bill. 
 
 “• How are you, Mr. Corning?” said I, extending my 
 hand to give a cordial shake ; “ How goes the world 
 with you about these times?” 
 
 “ Miserably, miserably enough !” he groaned out, as 
 he gave me his hand with his fingers thrust straight 
 
218 
 
 THE PERILS OF TEARL STREET, 
 
 out, like the tines of a fork — “ Miserable enough, Mr, 
 Hazard.” 
 
 “ I hope you’re well?” 
 
 “ In bodily health I am, so far as an empty stomach 
 will allow.” 
 
 “ An empty stomach ! Surely, friend Corning, you 
 cannot Vant food in New- York, where there are so 
 many hotels and eating-houses.” 
 
 “But the means, dear sir — the means — I have not a 
 penny in the world. I — I — I’ve been robbed.” 
 
 “Robbed!” 
 
 “ Ay, of every penny I had in the world. I’m totally 
 ruined.” 
 
 “ But that is no reason why you should go without 
 eating. Come, dine with me ; it is now just about my 
 dinner hour.” 
 
 “ I’m much obliged to you, sir — you’re very kind, 
 sir — but — ” 
 
 “ Come, no excuses.” 
 
 “I’m so much indebted to you already, that — ” 
 
 “ Never mind that now. Look to the condition of the 
 body first, and attend to other things afterwards.” 
 
 “ Thank you, sir— thank you; but my beard is so long 
 - — I hav’nt had a sixpence to pay the barber with since 
 I was robbed.” 
 
 “ Here are my razors— you can soon be smoothed.” 
 
 “ And then such a thing as a clean shirt I hav’nt got 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 219 
 
 in the world. My trunk and all its contents were 
 taken.” 
 
 “ But that need not deprive you of a dinner, for I have 
 an extra shirt at your command !” 
 
 Mr. Corning now plied the razor with decided advan- 
 tage, removing, as I judged, nearly a week’s crop. Hav- 
 ing got his face smoothed, and put on my clean shirt, he 
 went with me to dinner, where he did such execution as 
 to render his story of long fasting exceedingly probable. 
 
 While he was thus advantageously at work, I forbore 
 to question him respecting his loss, lest it should spoil 
 his appetite. But as soon as he had finished eating, and 
 taken a concluding glass of wine, I asked him how and 
 where the robbery had taken place. 
 
 “ My trunk was stolen from the boot of the stage, just 
 beyond Utica.” 
 
 “ And you did’nt miss it till you got here ?” 
 
 “ Oh, yes sir, I missed it at Utica, and advertised it in 
 the papers at that place. But as I had paid my passage 
 to Albany, I thought it best to continue on to New- York, 
 and let you and the rest of my creditors know the worst 
 of it.” 
 
 “ But if all your money was taken, how did you get a 
 passage from Albany ?” 
 
 “ I had a little loose change in my pocket sufficient for 
 that purpose.” 
 
 “ Could youfget no clew to the robber ?” 
 
220 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET, 
 
 “ Not the least. I advertised in the Albany papers, as 
 well as the Utica ; but I’ve no idea of ever seeing my 
 money again” 
 
 “ I’m sorry for you, indeed.” 
 
 “You’re very kind, sir: but I don’t mind the loss so 
 much on my own account, as that of my creditors. I’ve 
 been raking and scraping together all the money I could 
 get, in order to meet yours and other demands; and 
 now the whole is gone, and I hav’nt a penny left to 
 discharge my debts.” 
 
 “ What is the sum total of your loss?” 
 
 “ About five thousand dollars.” 
 
 “ Perhaps you will recover the money yet, or at least 
 a part of it. It is’nt worth while to despair. Thieves 
 can’t well escape, in our days, with so large an amount 
 of plunder. Get Old Hays to assist you. He’s the 
 man to ferret out thieves.” 
 
 ■“ I don’t know,” said the merchant, desperately shak- 
 ing his head — “ I’ve no faith in Old Hays, or any body 
 else ever finding my money. It’s gone, I’m afeared, for 
 good and all.” 
 
 “ There’s nothing, however, like trying. Five thou- 
 sand dollars, at one dash, is too much to lose.” 
 
 “ That’s what it is. But even if there was any chance 
 of recovering it, I have no means of making the attempt ; 
 I have no money to do any thing with ; I have not a 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 221 
 
 single penny left. I cannot even get home again, with- 
 out begging my way.” 
 
 « Don’t trouble yourself too much about that. I can 
 render you some assistance. Here are fifty dollars: 
 and perhaps your other friends will aid you in like man- 
 ner.” 
 
 “ Thank you, sir — you’re very good indeed; but how 
 shall I ever repay — ” 
 
 “ When you recover your five thousand dollars, you’ll 
 have ample means.” 
 
 “ Heaven grant I may,” said he, with a desponding 
 air ; but at the same time pocketing the money. 
 
 He now took his leave, saying he would go to the 
 police office, and take such measures as the case de- 
 manded; after which he would wait upon his other 
 creditors, and make known his loss to them. I felt sorry 
 for the poor man ; I had no suspicion of any trick ; and 
 though the loss to me was a severe one,] I made up my 
 mind, as well as I could, to set it down with other losses, 
 and to bear it with equanimity. 
 
 But a short time after, on stating the subject to one of 
 my neighbors, I was very much surprised to find I had 
 been imposed upon ; and that my honest friend, Mr. 
 Corning, had robbed himself — or rather trumped up the 
 story of his being robbed — in order to get clear of paying 
 his debts. The gentleman, who informed me of this, 
 
 happened to be a creditor of his; and suspecting the 
 20 
 
222 
 
 THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 whole story of the robbery to be a downright fiction, 
 bad threatened an arrest. This had the desired effect. 
 The poor robbed merchant, in terror of the law, pull- 
 ed out his pocket-book, and paid the other’s bill, amount- 
 ing to about five hundred dollars ; but implored him 
 not to mention the subject as it would ruin his charac- 
 ter forever. 
 
 This, the other, not suspecting the extent of the fraud, 
 promised to do ; and so the Ohio merchant had time to 
 escape. He did not indeed stay long after this — neither 
 going to the police office, nor thinking it safe to repeat 
 the story of the robbery to his other creditors. He 
 hastened to Ohio as soon as possible; where the ac- 
 count of the robbery being credited, he took advantage 
 of it to make a speedy and profitable failure : and my 
 debt of fifteen hundred dollars, together with the gratui- 
 tous fifty, went down to the tomb of all the capulets. 
 
THE PERILS OP PEARL STREET. 
 
 223 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 Containing a taste of the dangers of Wall street. 
 
 I was now far advanced on the road to ruin. My nu- 
 merous-losses, of which I have only- mentioned such of 
 the principal ones as happened by the trickery of my 
 neighbors or the dishonesty of my customers, had re- 
 duced me to very nearly the last extremity. But I 
 could not think of giving up without one further effort 
 to retrieve my fortune. 
 
 I had thus far rarely departed from the regular course 
 of trade — and never, except in the cotton and the hop 
 speculations. I had never dealt in stocks of any kind. 
 But I was now invited by my late partner, Griffin, to 
 join him in a speculation upon the stock of the United 
 States Bank. 
 
 “ I have no money,”' said I ; “ my losses of late have 
 been most severe, and I am just on the verge of bank- 
 ruptcy.” 
 
 “ So much the better,” said he ; “ you will now have 
 a chance of retrieving your fortune. As for money, 
 
224 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 that is altogether unnecessary. I have none ; and yet 
 I have made a hold push in the stocks, and am about 
 making another. Now if you will join me, we will go 
 snacks in the profits of the speculation ; and afterwards 
 live like nabobs. 
 
 “ My prospects,” said I, “ at present, are nearly des- 
 perate ; and I am ready to join in any speculation that 
 is honest and feasible. But I do not see how we’re to 
 proceed without money.” 
 
 “ Oh, the easiest thing in the world,” replied he. “ We 
 are not to buy stocks ; but to sell them,” 
 
 “ Ha ! ha ! ha !” — I could not for my life help burst- 
 ing into a laugh.” 
 
 “ You’re quite merry,” said lie, a little piqued at 
 my want of gravity. 
 
 “ True,” I replied, bursting again into a laugh, “ the 
 idea of selling what we do not possess, is indeed a most 
 merry thought, as well as a most judicious one.” 
 
 “Psha!” said he, with a look of contempt, “how 
 monstrous simple you are, Hazard ! One would suppose 
 you had just come from your little outlandish village of 
 Spreadaway, where the people know nothing about the 
 affairs of the world. Why, sir, it is one of the ingeni- 
 ous arts of modern speculation, that a man may sell what 
 he has not, and grow rich upon the proceeds.” 
 
 “ That must he ingenious indeed. But what is your 
 plan ?” 
 
THE PERILS OF EEARL STREET. 
 
 225 
 
 14 What should it be, hut selling stock on time. Sev- 
 eral of my acquaintance are now engaged in this specu- 
 lation. They are shrewd calculating men ; they look 
 deeply into causes and effects ; and they are thoroughly 
 •convinced that the stock of the Mammoth Institution 
 must come down. They are shrewd politicians. They 
 «ee into the very middle of a subject at the first glance. 
 I too have paid some attention to the subject, since our 
 late failure — and, between you and me, nobody makes 
 so keen a politician, or so shrewd a speculator, as a bro- 
 ken-down merchant. It is clear, friend Hazard, that 
 United States Bank stock must come down, and pretty 
 roundly too. But that is only between ourselves and 
 the knowing ones. As we are to act the part of hears, 
 it would not be good policy to say any thing to alarm the 
 bulls. 
 
 “ Bears and bulls 1” 
 
 To be sure. Don’t you understand the terms ? 
 Why, then I must instruct you. The case is just here : 
 As we engage, at a certain future time, to deliver stock 
 which we do not now possess, it will of course be our 
 interest to bring, or hear, down the said stock as haw as 
 possible ; while the persons, to whom we seljq will be 
 equally interested to toss, or keep, it up to the highest 
 point. United States Bank stock is r,ow at a hundred 
 and ten; but, rely upon it, in l^ss than two months it 
 will be ten per cent below par. But many people 
 20 *? 
 
226 ' 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEABL STREET. 
 
 are so stupid, that they cannot perceive this : and we 
 can sell as much as we please, to he delivered in sixty 
 days, at one hundred. Here you see we make a clear 
 gain of ten per cent, at one dash. I have already en- 
 gaged to deliver a thousand shares, on which I am cer- 
 tain of making ten thousand dollars. I am about clos- 
 ing a bargain to deliver two thousand more, on the same 
 favorable terms ; and, if you say the word, we’ll go 
 snacks in the whole speculation.” 
 
 “ Of course,” I replied, “so good an opportunity of 
 making money is not to be lightly thrown away ; and I 
 most willingly come into any measures which offer a 
 chance, however desperate, of relieving me from my 
 present difficulties.” 
 
 “ Chance ! desperate ! — I tell you, Hazard, it is not 
 desperate — it is entirely beyond the risk of chance — it 
 is an absolute certainty. I have not been studying poli- 
 tics, of late, for nothing ; and, besides, all the knowing 
 ones agree with me, that the Mammoth stock must come 
 down.” 
 
 “ Very well, Mr. Griffin, I am no politician, nor much 
 of a speculator. I leave the matter wholly to you.” 
 
 “ And, rely upon it, you shall not he disappointed.” 
 Friend Griffin went his way ; and the bargain to de- 
 liver the two extra thousand shares of stock was closed. 
 I struggled with all my might to put off the day of ruin 
 for a couple of months. I asked no more. If I could 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 227 
 
 only keep my bark afloat till that time, my fifteen thou- 
 sand dollar speculation would be sure to bring me into 
 a safe harbor with all my sails spread. 
 
 I therefore strained every nerve to bear me safely 
 through the sixty days. I doubled my exertions in 
 shinning. I despatched sundry of my clerks into the 
 country to make collections. I had recourse to hypothe- 
 cation of stock, to hypothecation of notes ; and indeed 
 to the hypothecation of every thing, except my clothes. 
 In short, I left no means untried to reach the much 
 wished for end of sixty days in safety. 
 
 In this I succeeded. But, alas for my bank specula- 
 tion ! The stock, which, in connexion with my quon- 
 dam partner, I had sold on time, obstinately refused to 
 come down — at least to the desired notch — though all 
 sorts of means, usually resorted to by bears on the like 
 occasion, were used by the knowing ones in Wall street, 
 to bring it down. It still kept up too high for our pur- 
 pose : the bulls triumphed ; the bears retreated to their 
 dens ; and Griffin and myself were minus eighteen 
 thousand dollars by our bank speculation. This affect- 
 ed him but little, for he had nothing to lose ; but it fin- 
 ished me. I stopped payment the next day ; and my 
 third failure was the most disastrous of all. 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 229 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 Which concludes the whole matter. 
 
 Some persons have a faculty of doing a great deal of 
 business in a little time. It may be profitable or unpro- 
 fitable. For my own part, it is my misfortune to have 
 effected much more in a short period than I could have 
 desired. Three failures, in ten years, are seldom cal- 
 culated upon by the young aspirant for fortune. And 
 yet I had achieved them all within that short period. 
 
 I was now almost sufficiently humbled to return to 
 my native village, and brave the sneers of my old ac- 
 quaintance. But just as I was about coming to this 
 resolution, I learned that Mary Dawson was married! 
 She had continued single to the age of twenty-nine; 
 when, finding she had no time to lose, she accepted the 
 hand of the best of a number of suitors, who had for a 
 long period stood by for her sake. 
 
230 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 Here then was an end of my debates about returning 
 to Spreadaway. But something I must do for a liveli- 
 hood. To return to any of my former pursuits, was 
 pretty much out of the question. I had still sufficient 
 pride to prevent me from again serving in the capacity 
 of a clerk ; and I had no means, even if I had the in- 
 clination, of again setting out in the world as a mer- 
 chant. 
 
 But no man, in this happy country, need starve, who 
 has any inclination to earn his bread. If he cannot ob- 
 tain, or if he do not choose to pursue, the employment to 
 which he was bred, he may, nevertheless, with a little 
 versatility of genius, and a tolerable spirit of enterprise, 
 turn his hand, or head, to some new and untried mode 
 of earning a livelihood. 
 
 For myself, being a good penman, I once thought 
 of turning writing-masterj and teaching pupils to become 
 perfect in the arWof chirography, m twelve lessons. 
 Twelve ? No, that would not do. Other professors 
 did that, and I should have no advantage over them. 
 Six lessons then? No, that would not do, neither, for 
 there are not wanting professors, who promise that like- 
 wise. Three lessons then? Yes, I must engage to 
 make perfect writers in three lessons. 
 
 Just as I was about coming to this resolution, I took 
 up a newspaper, wherein I read the advertisement of a 
 
THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET, 231 
 
 certain famous gentleman, who engaged to teach the art 
 of penmanship perfectly in two lessons. This is too 
 much for me, thought I ; and so I turned my views to 
 something else. 
 
 I would have applied for a licence as auctioneer. But 
 the business required too much impudence, and too 
 much of the aid and assistance of Peter Funk. 
 
 I thought of sundry other things ; hut my necessities 
 would not allow of longer debate, and I finally concluded 
 to turn lecturer on book-keeping ; and thus I at present 
 earn my bread. I have a small, hut select class, which 
 employs me three evenings in the week. For the rest 
 of the time I am pretty much engaged in the study of 
 politics, by which (though it is a secret at present,) I 
 design hereafter to retrieve my fortunes — in which I 
 shall only follow the example of sundry great men, who 
 are now figuring before the nation, either in a legislative 
 or executive capacity — the keenest .pf politicians, the 
 most ardent of patriots, and the most fortunate of office- 
 holders. 
 
 Should I succeed in getting rich by this project, I 
 hereby pledge myself to pay all my old debts. For, 
 though I am legally free, I consider myself morally 
 bound to their full and perfect discharge, should I ever 
 have the means of effecting it — being of opinion, that the 
 man, who is no honester than the law compels him to 
 
232 
 
 THE PERILS OF PEARL STREET. 
 
 be, is little better than a downright knave. And so con- 
 vinced am I of the truth of this, that should I ever again 
 appear before the public in the capacity of an author, it 
 will probably be to illustrate this very principle. 
 
 THE END, 
 
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