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G R 0 B I A N U S; 
 
 OR, THE 
 
 Compleat Booby. 
 
 A N 
 
 IRONICAL POEM. 
 
 In Three Books. 
 
 Done into Englijh , from the 
 Original Latin of Friderick Dedekindus , 
 
 By ROGER BULL, Efq ; 
 
 Afta cano , veniam da turpiter a El a canenti , 
 
 Fas miloi fit crajjo crajfa referre mo do. 
 
 Grobian. Lib. 3. Cap. 3. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. Cooper, at the Globe in Pater- 
 Nojler-Row. Mdccxxxix. 
 
 [ Price Bound Four Shillings. ] 
 

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Rev. Dr. Jonathan Swift, 
 
 Dean of St. Patrick's , Dublin ; 
 
 Who firft Introduc’d into thefe Kingdoms, 
 
 OF 7 
 
 Great Britain and Ireland, 
 
 A N 
 
 Ironical Manner of W riting, 
 
 To the Difcouragement of 
 
 Vice, Ill-manners, and Folly ; 
 
 And the Promotion of 
 
 Virtue, Good-manners, and Good-fenfe: 
 
 The following POEM 
 
 i s 
 
 With all Submiffion Dedicated, 
 
 by 
 
 His moji Obedient , 
 
 Humble Servant, 
 
 The T RANSL AT OR. 
 

 
 ; _q. 
 
 ■ - . ; •- A. 
 
 
 
 * A 
 
 
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 -■ U%ir iic ■ : <r: bn r ,v : - s lliiqmo33>. 
 
 >*■ adj- lo 
 
 ••• •'' i. • id£Jioor?ori Knm tnshns 
 
 " 
 
 • b 4^' ~ ■ vrdt>.cdw- 
 
 r kef sngi a 103 
 
 ,c ' J ' : * n >' A 
 
THE 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 ETWEE N two and three 
 Years fince, I was favour’d with 
 a Latin Poem, of which the 
 following is a Tranflation, by 
 a Perfbn of Honour and Quality; who 
 is no lefs remarkable for his own perfonal 
 Accomplishments, and his Encouragement 
 of the Mufes, than on Account of the 
 ancient and honourable Family, from 
 which he is defcended* 
 
 He fpoke of it as a diverting and agree¬ 
 able Performance; which might help a 
 Man to pafs away a leifure Hour, in a 
 comfortable Manner. 
 
 A 3 
 
 And 
 
The PREFACE. 
 
 vi 
 
 And as it afforded me abundant Satis¬ 
 faction, and came up to every Idea, I had 
 formed concerning it, I took the Liberty 
 to render it into Englijh ; that I might 
 communicate the Joke, even to the un¬ 
 learned Part of Mankind, who, by hav¬ 
 ing been brought up to particular Trades 
 and manual Operations, might either 
 have no Opportunities of maftering the 
 original Language; or, having been once 
 initiated in Learning, might thro’ various 
 Avocations have entirely forgotten the 
 fame. 
 
 Nor is the mirthful Contents of the 
 a fore fa id Poem the iole Reaion why a 
 TraDilation may be requifite. For, as 
 the Author’s Befign, is to laugh Men out 
 of tne Error of their Ways; recommend¬ 
 ing mod Virtues by a Representation of 
 the contrary Vices, Surely, for the Good 
 of tne Community, iuch a Work ought, 
 in common Juitice, to be render d° of 
 
 univerfal Ufe, to be tranfiated into all 
 
 Languages. 
 
 o o 
 
 1 am 
 
 •v 
 
The PREFACE. 
 
 • • 
 
 Vil 
 
 I am forry it is not in my Power, to 
 acquaint the courteous Reader, to whom 
 he is indebted for his Diverfion and Im¬ 
 provement : But (having made many fruit- 
 lefs Enquiries after the perfonal Chara&er 
 of the Author) I am oblig’d to be Blent 
 upon that Article. 
 
 However, if the Book anfwers its in¬ 
 tended Purpofes ; if it innocently diverts 
 all Men that perufe it; and at the fame 
 Time proves a faithful Monitor, by fhew- 
 ing them every Thing that renders them 
 the juft Objects of Ridicule; “ fincethey 
 4C receive a Benefit, it is of fmall Impor- 
 
 “ tance, who is the Benefa&or. ”-— 
 
 He hath, in all Probability, been dead and 
 buried a hundred Years ago, or longer ; 
 and is not only infenfible of Praifes, but 
 what is much happier is removed beyond 
 the Reach of Invedive; the too common 
 Retribution of moft good Men, who have 
 attempted to reform the World. 
 
 A 4 
 
 But 
 
yiii The PREFACE. 
 
 But to confider the Work, and not 
 the Perfon : 
 
 Our Friend Dedekindus, as a Phyfici- 
 an of the Mind, hath proceeded in many 
 Cafes like Phyficians of the Body. He 
 finds Occafion to infpedt the Urinal and 
 the Bed-pan, to form a Judgment of 
 his Patient s Diforder ; it is likewife abfo- 
 lutely neceflary for him, fometimes, to 
 foul his Fingers with a few Difiedfions; 
 all which Matters he conducts with con- 
 fummate Art and judgment, infomuch, 
 that what Dryden fays of Virgil, may 
 fafely be applied to our Author ; tc He 
 
 his Dung with an Air of 
 
 I am confident, in cafe he hath any 
 where made life of uncouth and feeming- 
 ] y inimodeft Phrafes, it has been Matter 
 of Neceffity not of Choice; and with re¬ 
 paid to his principal Intention, which is 
 to fir a me into Virtue thole degenerate 
 
 Crea- 
 
The PREFACE. ix 
 
 Creatures, who can by no gentle Method 
 be reclaimed. 
 
 On the other Hand, my Mind exceed¬ 
 ingly mifgives me, that fuch fevere 
 Moralifts (whom our Author ftiles tetri- 
 ci Catones) as care not to behold Vice 
 depicted in her proper Colours; and fuch 
 Practitioners in Phylick, as are too nice¬ 
 ly delicate to examine into the Matters 
 before fpecified ; are each of equal Va¬ 
 lue and Eftimation, and of equal Service 
 to their Country ; that is, of no Service 
 at all. 
 
 Let me appeal to daily Experience, what 
 Sort of Authors have been moft detrimen¬ 
 tal to human Society; they, who have 
 given us an exaCt Picture of Iniquity and 
 Imprudence ? Or they, who, under foft 
 and modeft Names, have palliated the 
 blacked: of all Uncleannefs ? 
 
 When we are prefented with the for¬ 
 mer ProfpeCt, we are immediately ftar- 
 tled ; when we behold the latter, we grow 
 
 enamour’d 
 
X 
 
 The PREFACE. 
 
 enamour’d with thole Monders, which, if 
 we faw in pur is Naturalibus , we fhould 
 utterly deted and abjure. 
 
 ’Tis manifed to any conliderate Rea^ 
 der, that this Book is fo far from being a 
 Panegyrick upon Folly and Vice, it con¬ 
 tains the fevered: Satire upon both- 
 
 Here every Imprudence and Indecency is 
 fet in the mod confpicuous Light; every 
 Apology for fuch Behaviour is weigh’d in 
 the Ballance; and all this, for no other 
 Purpofe, than to deteft the Vanity, the 
 Error, the Iniquity, of bad Aftions and 
 their miferable Excufes. 
 
 It was with the fame wife View, that 
 Cervantes fet about his excellent Romance 
 of Don Quixote \ not to encourage Knight 
 Errantry, but to ridicule it; as he hath 
 effeftually done to all Intents. 
 
 Nor is this Manner of Writing inferior 
 to any other, if we may believe ^ 'uinti - 
 lian. Omnis falje dicendi ratio y fays that 
 great Orator, in eo ejl y at aliter quam 
 
 ejl 
 
The PREFACE. 
 
 xi 
 
 ejl rePtum verumque dicatur ; intelligi- 
 tuv enim quod non dicitur. 
 
 I forbear enumerating more Precepts or 
 Examples of this Kind ; left I fhould 
 undergo a Cenfure which * another Ro¬ 
 man Orator beftows on an Author, for 
 quoting many Authorities to prove what 
 was plain enough before ; utitur, in re 
 non dubia, tejlibus non necejfariis . 
 
 I would now apologize, in my own 
 behalf, for the frequent Parodies, which 
 1 have made of our beft Englip Poets: 
 But our Author’s Example, who hath ta¬ 
 ken this Liberty with the Roman Clafficks, 
 and the Examples of many eminent Men 
 both Ancient and Modern, feems a fuffi- 
 cknt Juftification of my Proceedings in 
 that Refoeft, 
 
 If, notwithftanding this, it fhould be 
 adjudged an Error by any malevolent Cri- 
 ticks; I would have them to know, 
 I would much rather be number’d 
 with Vida, Aufonius , and the Author of 
 
 the 
 
 * Tul/y. 
 
 2 
 
The PREFACE. 
 
 xii 
 
 the Dunciad , than with Dennis , Bentleys 
 *Tibbalds , or any other Perfon of the fame 
 Rank and Order. 
 
 Before I conclude, I mull acquaint 
 the Reader that, in my Tranflation, I 
 have purpofely omitted whate’er might 
 confine our Author’s Precepts, to the 
 Character of a Footman : Being advis’d 
 it was improper to confine that to any 
 particular Character, which might eafily 
 be extended to all. 
 
 Finally, for the publick Benefit, a9 
 well as my own private Emolument, I 
 fincerely wifh that all bad Men, and uit 
 mannerly clownifh Fellows, (who are 
 for the molt Part the fevereft Cri-* 
 ticks upon others) may inflead of finding. 
 Fault with the Strongnefs of our Author’s 
 Colouring, or the Broadnefs of his Expref- 
 fions; amend their own ill Behaviour, of 
 which this Book is an exabt and perfebf 
 Reprefentation. 
 
 If 
 
The PREFACE. xiii 
 
 If they a 8: otherwife, they will very 
 much refemble an Inftance I have fome 
 where met with, of u An old Woman, 
 “ who, in a violent Paflion at behold- 
 ing her own ill-favour’d Countenance, 
 threw the Looking-Glafs into the 
 41 Fire.” 
 
 * i 
 
 >s 
 
THE 
 
 FIRST BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 * 
 
 GRO BIANUS. 
 
 
THE 
 
 FIRST BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 G R 0 B I A N U S. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 Treats of the Face and Hands , the Teeth and Hair $ 
 Hnd bids with Difiabille your Garments wear . 
 
 Hoe’er thou art, tho’ hating rigid Rules, 
 And Morals grave, repeated in the Schools, 
 Approach ! nor hence unplealing Accents fear, 
 
 For, know, no peevifh Cato dictates here : 
 
 With ruftick Doctrines willingly comply. 
 
 Nor doubt, in little time, to edify j 
 In true antique Simplicity excell. 
 
 And e’en from me thy Mafter bear the Bell. 
 
 If Sophifters, too ftridt, fhould difcommend 
 The Rules to which we bid thee now attend 5 
 
 You’ll 
 
 B 
 
2 
 
 Book I. 
 
 * 
 
 Grobianus. 
 
 You’ll, notwithstanding, find, no Harm enfues 
 From foll’wing thefe InStrudions of the Mufe. 
 
 jF/r/?, When the Light of Noon Salutes your Eyes, 
 (For before Noon ’tis never well to rife) 
 
 All Tyranny of outward Forms negied ; 
 
 Nor treat your Parents with the leaSt ReSped. 
 
 Let no Good-morrows interrupt thine Eafe ; 
 
 Or Compliments thyfelf or others teaze. 
 
 Thrive they the better for what thou canft fay ? 
 And why Should Words fo good be thrown away? 
 A Hebrew may (him SuperSlition blinds) 
 
 Ufe ceremonious Forms of various Kinds ; 
 
 Care of fuperfluous Matters ne’er be thine : 
 
 Why Shou’dgrey Hair approach before its Time ? 
 
 Yawning'can Strange Herculean Wonders do, 
 
 (If aught that Empiricks aSTert be true) 
 
 For 
 
3 
 
 Chap* I. Grobianus. 
 
 For Sleep averts the Movements of the Heart, 
 
 And long in Durance holds each vital Part 
 Stretch Arms and Jaws as wide as wide can be, 
 Twill from the Bonds of Morpheus fet you free. 
 Yawning of ev’ry Exercife is bcff, 
 
 To firing the Nerves a-new, and ope the narrow 
 
 Cheit, 
 
 When Hunger from the Chamber calls you down, 
 Throw o’er your Dowlafs Shirt a Morning Gown - y 
 That huddle on : Bear in your Arms the reft. 
 
 And if cold .Weather, or a Frofl infefl. 
 
 In Chimney-corner, at a rouzing Fire, 
 
 With Eafe and Comfort d’on your whole Attire. 
 
 Fear not the Maid’s or Matron’s Blufh to raife. 
 While Inclination fhapes your awkward Ways. 
 
 Say! does the Deed fbme weaker Brother grieve ? 
 What he don’t like he’s very free to leave * 
 
 Bid him begone : Difdain the leafl Controul, 
 
 And flir up all that’s brutifh in your Soul. 
 
 B 2 
 
 No 
 
4 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 No Garters ufe j but let your whole Undrefs 
 The native Charms of Negligence confefs. 
 
 Let dangling Stockings, with becoming Air, 
 Leave to the Sight your brace of Mill-polls bare : 
 So lhall each Girl admire thee to her Colt; 
 
 While thy blue Veins, and Mufcles well-imboft, 
 And brawny Limbs, with Briftles overgrown, 
 Make the fond Maiden wifh thee for her own. 
 
 Ah ! may no Motives tempt thine erring Hand, 
 To bind th* Abdomen in too ftraight a Band : 
 What Ills enfue, let fage Phylicians tell ye, 
 
 From injuring that noble Part, the Belly. 
 
 The Head, dilhevell’d Treflesbeft adorn, 
 
 And Locks with much Uncleanlinefs forlorn ; 
 
 To comb and powder be the Coxcomb’s Part: 
 
 1 o am’rous Fools leave that unmanly Art. 
 
 Nor 
 
5 
 
 Chap. I. Grobianus. 
 
 Nor drefs with too much Care ; ’tis all in vain, 
 ’Twill ne’er your Damfels heft Affections gain. 
 (’Twas once the Statute of a mighty Queen, 
 
 * ♦ % * m * r » « 
 
 “ Let no fpruce Fellow in thefe Realms be feen.”) 
 Do thou, my Friend ! in Feathers rowl thy Crown; 
 Let ev’ry Hair be whiten’d o’er with Down. 
 Thence each Spectator this Conclulion draws, 
 
 Thy Bed was made of better Stuff than Straws. 
 
 Be fure thy Hairs, uncut and unconfin’d, 
 
 With loofe Diforder wanton in the Wind : 
 
 In Summer, they fliall from the Sun defend, 
 
 In Winter, with a kindly Warmth befriend. 
 
 In Days of Yore, when Saturn 's peaceful Throne 
 Was unufurp’d by his rebellious Son, 
 
 Long, as the Hair of Women now, were then 
 The unfhorn Locks of all the Sons of Men. 
 
 B 3 
 
 The 
 
6 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 The Ufage of thofe golden Times purfue j 
 Good Rules grown obfolete the Wife renew. 
 
 Rightly believe it the mofl vile Difgrace* 
 
 To cleanfe thy dirty Hands or wafh thy Face : 
 
 Who dares remark what Dirt thofe Hands begrime* 
 Thofe Hands! which feed no other Mouth but 
 
 . [ thine ? 
 
 Some fay, “To wafh your Teeth be ever nice j ” 
 But (top thine Ears to all fuch wild Advice : 
 
 For if the Mouth we fhould prefume to chill 
 With the cold Element, ’twere aching ill. 
 
 No : Let your Grinders, of a yellow Die, 
 
 With Turmerick, or richer Saffron vie : 
 
 The Colour of dear, damn’d, betwitching Gold, 
 Joy of the Young, but Idol of the Old. 
 
 No Colours fear : Your Teeth are in the Fafhion, 
 
 For Yellow is the Colour rules the Nation. * 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 * This can never be underftood of the Tranflator’s Nation, but only 
 
 of the original Author’s (for Thanks to Providence!) our M—-y 
 
 are entirely devoid of Bribery and Corruption. 
 
Grobianus. 
 
 7 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Of Erealfaf ?, and the Mo def y of the Eyes; 
 
 Of Brow and Noftrils - and of loud Replies. 
 
 Of Sneezing , Coughing , Belching, filthy Wit : 
 What Gait and Habit in the Streets befit. 
 
 * R E well awake, unfold the Pantry-door; 
 
 And ranfack careful ev’ry hidden Store. 
 
 In your broad Palm gripe fall the lufcious Prey, 
 (Finger and Thumb too oft their Truft betray) 
 \ ou to your Hands th’ important Charge allign ; 
 But never foul a Trencher till you dine. 
 
 Tho’ liquid Fatnefs pours a copious Tide, 
 
 All o’er your Fingers fpreading far and wide, 
 
 Let ev’ry Towel hang negledled by, 
 
 Your Tongue fhall drain the greafy Torrent dry. 
 Tis not the Bufinefs of this Time and Place, 
 
 To tell what Geftures ought your Dinner grace, 
 But here fome previous Matters we advife ; 
 
 Short is the Dodtrine which we now premife. 
 
 B 4 
 
 Let 
 
8 
 
 Guo b i a n u s. Book I. 
 
 Let Moderty thy Manners ne’er difgrace j 
 Nor marr the brazen Honours of thy Face. 
 
 For Modefty, as Criticks wifely guefs. 
 
 Is but another Name for Sheepifhnefs, 
 
 Miftake me not; there is, with Men of Senfe, 
 A Mean in all Things, ev’n in Impudence: 
 Then dare not look dire<5t on any Man , 
 
 But learn to fquint and goggle all you can. 
 
 Or when you Ipeak, like Butler s pious Knight, 
 Convert the Outlide of your Eyes to white. 
 
 I wou’d not have, you look directly down^; 
 
 Like artful Orators, that feek Renown 
 By feeming bafhful — like a Bumpkin Hare, 
 And teach your Eyes to wander here and there. 
 
 Not 
 
Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 9 
 
 Not unbecoming aretbofe haggard Brows, 
 Where Difcontent a thoufand Furrows plows : 
 So looks the Steer, when, deftin’d to be {lain. 
 He feels the Butcher’s Hand, and roars for Pain. 
 So look two rival Bulls, whofe Eyes dart Fire, 
 Who foam and bellow with ungovern’d Ire. 
 Such Looks be thine : For fuch a warlike Face 
 Mud; each who hopes a Warrior’s Title grace. 
 The Brow’s the trued: Index of the Mind, 
 
 By this, each hidden Purpofe oft we find j 
 By this, the Man of Worth is plainly feen, 
 
 And owes his Reputation to his Mein. 
 
 Whoe’er you meet, or do not fpeak at all, 
 Or let your Words be few, and dipt in Gall; 
 
 Led:, aiming to be courtly and polite, 
 
 You get the Name of petulant and light. 
 
 Can you defpife thefe Cenfures as you ought ? 
 Efteeming Honour as a Thing of nought, 
 
 The 
 
io Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 The Time with one continu’d Tale beguile. 
 
 And din all Hearers like the Fall of Nile . 
 
 While fome their Noftrils deck with ftiining Ore, 
 Or Gems, the Gift of India's bounteous Shore - y 
 ShouYl Fate fuch Riches to your Wifh deny. 
 
 Mu ft you needs beat your coward Bread; and cry ? 
 No : To thefe not unufeful Lines attend, 
 
 And mark the Counfel of a faithful Friend, 
 
 Have you not oft, in Winter's dreary Reign, 
 When nipping Frofts have whiten’d all the Plain, 
 Beheld from frozen Roofs depending Ice 
 With Spires inverted Grace each Edifice ? 
 
 You have : The Juice, which from each Noftril 
 Shall artificial Icicles compofe. ^° W& ’ 
 
 Thefe Ornaments you gain at fmall Expence, 
 
 And thus adorn d a firft-rate Beau commence : 
 
 Such 
 
Chap. II. G ROBIANUS. II 
 
 Such Gifts does bounteous Nature dill beftow. 
 Which guides thy Footfteps wherefoe’er they go. 
 
 But learn how far Rufticity befeems, 
 
 For Nature deals not always in Extreams j 
 When to your Mouth the llimy Moifture flows, 
 
 ’Tis then high Time to cleanfe your dropping Nofe; 
 If with your Elbow you wipe off the Snivel, 
 
 No Man alive fhall be efleem’d more civil; 
 
 Or if thy Coat or Cap performs the Feat, 
 
 Why all mull own thee for a Boor compleat. 
 Trumpet aloud; let all the Houfe refound: 
 
 Fill your whole Hand with Snot, and fmear the very 
 
 [Ground- 
 
 There let it lay ; if any takes Offence, 
 
 Let him with Foot officious fcrape it thence. 
 
 A Looking-glafs, his foie Evangeliif, 
 
 The Fop with Ribbons dangles on his Wrifl; 
 
 Your 
 
Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 I 2 
 
 Your fnotty Fingers, with fuperior Grace, 
 
 Shall well fupply the polifh’d Mirror’s Place. 
 
 To clear your Noftrils with the loudeft Noife 
 (I wot) no Rule of Decency deftroys : 
 
 That noble Sound declares a noble Soul, 
 
 And fpreads a Chara&er from Pole to Pole. 
 
 When you’re about to fneez e, be fure you make 
 Your Neighbour of the friendly Show’r partake : 
 
 For ’tis a Cuftom, many much commend. 
 
 To cry, God blefs ye, to a fneezing Friend. 
 
 Sneeze in their Faces: Then, belike, they’ll know 
 The proper Time that Blefling to beftow : 
 
 But tho 5 your Parent fhould a Sheeze let fly, 
 
 Do you no Benedicite reply ; 
 
 I fear it fmells too rank of Popery, 
 
 With 
 
 •f- Here the Tranflator alludes to the following curious Piece of 
 private Hiftoty. 
 
 < x ^ certain old Woman going down to Grave fend in the Tilt-boat, in 
 Company with a Diffenting Teacher, this Reverend Gentleman was 
 taken with a violent fit of Sneezing ; whereupon the good Woman 
 
 cry’d 
 
Chap. II. 
 
 Grobianus. 
 
 *3 
 
 With heedful Care each rifing Blufli reftrain ; 
 
 Let Blufhes none but guilty Cheeks diftain: 
 
 .. ■* ' w . . 
 
 Nor when perchance a bawdy Tale you hear, 
 Permit the confcious crimfon Die appear. 
 
 If you yourfelf no fmutty Jokes advance, 
 
 It looks as you were bred in Ignorance: 
 
 To call each Member by its proper Name, 
 
 Is (well confider’d) neither Sin nor Shame; 
 
 For Terms, which to the Vulgar feem unwife. 
 Are only Nature ftripp’d of all Difguife. 
 
 No cuftomary Forms of Speech that are, 
 
 Should again# Nature’s felf excite a War. 
 
 When Nature calls; to p—, and eke to lh—, 
 
 Has never been adjudg’d indecent yet. 
 
 1 * \ ' * • 
 
 . M 
 
 But 
 
 “ cry’d out, God llefsye, Sir ! the Divine, by no Means relifhing tlie 
 Expreffion, reply’d, 7 bat Saying favoured of Popery. And on his 
 
 “ happening to fneeze a fecond Time,, fhe faid, Kifs my A -, I 
 
 “ hope that does not favonr of Popery Bp, Burnet of his own Times, 
 
*4 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 But Men to name fuch Actions are afraid, 
 
 Too cleanly they to call a Spade a Spade ! 
 
 What Race of Mortals thefe ? What Rules abfurd 
 The Fa£t is innocent, obfcene the Word. 
 
 When any tells you aught that’s new and rare. 
 
 And to reply you neither know nor care. 
 
 Stretch wide your Jaws to catch unwary Flies; 
 And grave as Owlet look, as Woodcock wile. 
 
 But do not (if to laugh be worth your while) 
 Inftead of Laughter fubftitute a Smile. 
 
 No, no ; be fure your Merriment be loud, 
 
 Heard in the Street by all the palling Crowd. 
 Extend the Gulph your Mouth, from Ear to Ear; 
 Let ev’ry Tooth in fable Pomp appear: 
 
 Thofe 
 
 "f quae re turpia non fint, nominibus ac verbis flagitiofa c!u- 
 camus. - 
 
 Liberis dare operam re honeflum eft, nomineobfccenum. 
 
 Tull, de Offic. lib. I. fed. 35. 
 
 I 
 
Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 15 
 
 Thofe Fangs, befpeckled like fome Leopard’s Skin, 
 The Heart of each admiring Maiden win. 
 
 Tho’ all give out, do thou, whate’er betides, 
 Shake more and more thy never-failing Sides: 
 Laughing for Laughing’s Sake, without a Caufe, 
 Shall gain thee deathlefs Honour and Applaufe. 
 
 If fome, who all Things to themlelves apply, 
 
 “ That Laugh was meant at me,” ihall loud reply j 
 The louder thefe have roar’d, and rav’d, and ftorm’d, 
 The better is thy Bus’nefs then perform’d : 
 
 Ye Wretches! ffet to Fiddle-frrings your Guts; 
 
 For angry Men are everlafting Buts. 
 
 At any time, when you intend to lye, 
 
 (They’re Fools who nothing but the truth reply) 
 After a Word or two is fpoke break off, 
 
 Tho in the Middle of your Speech, and cough: 
 
 When 
 
16 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 When Liars lack the Fluency of Words, 
 
 The friendly Cough a Time for Thought affords > 
 Nor fear Detection : To detect a Liar 
 Does more than common Diligence require. 
 
 ¥ - J 
 
 If Rheums difturb, and real Coughs arife, 
 Cough in your Neighbour’s Face; (we hold it wife) 
 The putrid Matter Lungs offended wheeze. 
 
 May prove refrefhing, as a weftern Breeze. 
 
 Yet, fhould the Fa<5t his Temper chance to fower, 
 Regard not Rage, if deftitute of Power : 
 
 Nor yield, but in big fwelling Words reply, 
 
 What you dare do, you dare to juftify. 
 
 How arrogant, whom Mirth can thus provoke ? 
 Who cannot take fo innocent a Joke ? 
 
 What ? does he think his Clay is more refin’d. 
 Than all the remnant Mafsof Human-kind ? 
 Efteem himfelf defil’d, and therefore wou’d 
 Thirft, like a Cannibal, for Human-blood ? 
 
 When 
 
Chap. II. G r o_ b i a n u s, 
 
 *7 
 
 When Air imprifon’d labours for a Vent, 
 
 That you fhou’d belch, I give my free Confent: 
 Nor belch to Halves -■— but of the Clangor proud, 
 Like fome fubftantial Burgo-mafter, belch aloud. 
 Check not the rifing Belch, left, haplefs, you. 
 Experience, late, how many Ills enfue : 
 
 Perhaps the too, too long imprifon’d Wind, 
 
 Which in the Stomach’s Cavern lies confin’d. 
 
 May taint thee with fome fatal, foul Difeafe ; 
 
 And Pain and Anguifh thy whole Body feize. 
 
 Or all thy Body o’er diffufe a Stench, 
 
 Rank as the Armpits of a red-hair’d Wench. 
 
 If Wind afcend, which with juft Caufe we dread. 
 Whims, Freaks, and Megrims dire affedt the Head: 
 Or downwards, without legal Notice, come 
 Forth from the treach’rous Pafiage of the Bum, 
 
 A horrid Fume ftiall ftraight your Crime proclaim 
 To ev’ry Nofe ; nor aught conceal your Shame. 
 
 C 
 
 Wou’d 
 
Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 18 
 
 Wou’d you thefe Ills by prudent Care prevent, 
 
 Nor, like a Fox, be follow’d by the Scent ? r 
 Then give to ev’ry Belch a timely Vent. 
 
 Let not, if walking in the Streets delight. 
 
 Your fleek and glofiy Hat attradl the Sight: 
 
 Who courts too much the Praife of Woman-kind, 
 Scorn is the only Recompence he’ll find. 
 
 Nor tho’ both Shoes are cover’d o’er with Mire, 
 Wou’d I to have ’em clean’d a Friend defire : 
 
 You wipe ’em clean, what then PThey’re foil’d again. 
 And all your Care and Trouble is in vain. 
 
 Next, let your Cloak, or Night-gown, long and 
 
 [deep 
 
 Clofe at your Heels o’er ev’ry Kennel fweep : 
 
 So fhall it by no Token ftand confeft. 
 
 That Foot profane the Soil has ever prefi:. 
 
 Make ftiff the Sides and Borders of your Gown, 
 With all the Mud and Sullage in the Town : 
 
 Many 
 
19 
 
 Chap. II. Grobianus. 
 
 • 
 
 Many, more nice than wife, are wont to place 
 Around the Veft a glaring golden Lace; 
 
 With lefs Expence, fome filken Fringes form. 
 Proud of the Labours of an humble Worm; 
 
 But be no Lace obferv’d on thine Attire, 
 
 Nor other Fringe fave what is form’d of Mire. 
 
 If for a /hotter Habit you refolve, 
 
 (For Cuftomsvary, oft as Years revolve) 
 
 Then let, of Lilliputian Make, your Clothes 
 The fnapely Waift to ev’ry Eye difclofe; 
 
 Nor hide your nether End — fuch Garbs as thefe 
 The noble Peer and fpruce Lieutenant pleafe; 
 Equipp’d fo fmart, you’ll hear the chearing Word, 
 Here comes the Captain; or, perhaps, my Lord. 
 
 In all Things elfe a Medium we confe/s. 
 
 But never hold this Rule extends to Drefs. 
 
 C a 
 
 Era/mus 
 
20 
 
 G R O B I A N U Sr Book I 
 
 Erafmus praifes Negligence in Youth, -f* 
 
 And fure fo great a Man fhou’d fpeak the Truth; 
 
 This Precept then in Mind imprinted bear, 
 
 44 Be Decency the lead of all your Care. 
 
 And left too num’rous Rules the Mind appall. 
 Hear, in a Word or two, th’ Amount of all. 
 
 “ Compofe your Life of fuch ungainly Stuff, 
 
 <£ And caft your Manners in a Mould fo rough, 
 cc That all may tell, nor falfify their Word, 
 
 “ Behold a Man, moft brutal, moft abfurd. 
 
 ? 
 
 k 
 
 CHAP. 
 
Grobianu s. 
 
 21 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 What Manners are moji decently obferv'd , 
 Before the Meat is up to Table ferv'd. 
 
 O W the loud Murmurs of the Belly hear, 
 
 “H 
 
 That tell the Time of Dinner fhou’d be near: 
 After long Hours of hungry Pain endur’d, 
 
 ’Tis fit that Malady at length be cur’d. 
 
 Come on-of ev’ry Difh prepare to tafle, 
 
 And let your Belly be but loody brac’d: 
 
 Yet not at once all Ligatures untie ; 
 
 That will be more convenient by and by. 
 
 E’re the delicious Dinner you partake, 
 
 To purify your Hands no Water take : 
 
 Let this *1* Dilemma ev’ry Scruple cure. 
 
 The Earth mufl needs be either foul or pure. 
 
 C 3 If 
 
 f I am to acquaint the Englijh Reader that a Dilemma is a kind of 
 a Cuckoldy, or horned Argument; wherefore Logicians frequently 
 call it a Cornute. ^ 
 
22 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 If foul, then foul are all her Streams that flow j 
 If pure, then ev’ry Son of Earth is fo t 
 
 To cut your Nails is neither meet nor right j 
 
 /•v _ ... n 
 
 Long Nails are ever grateful to the Sight; 
 
 The Hawks with pointed Talons feize their Prey, 
 What Bird by Kings is more admir’d than they ? 
 Yet if you’re bent upon it, while you dine. 
 
 Some Interval to that grand Work aflign, 
 
 * 
 
 Suppofe fome Perfon of diftinguifh’d Fame 
 A Place fhou’d at your Banquet juftly claim, 
 
 To take your Seat before him we advife; 
 
 Nor flir, tho’ any Man fhou’d bid you rife. 
 Avoid the Infamy, the Fate accurft, 
 
 To leave the higheft Place, and take the worfl: 
 Precedency can never be his due, 
 
 It appertains no more to him than you, 
 
 Have 
 
Chap. III. G R O B I A N U S. 23 
 
 Have we not each the fame Original ? 
 
 Are we not finful Dull and A{hes all ? 
 
 Say, when the Ground our Father Adam till’d. 
 And Mother Eve the humble DiftafF held, 
 
 Who then his Pedigree prefum’d to trace ? 
 
 Or challeng’d the Prerogative of Place ? 
 
 If you at any time Ihou’d lag behind. 
 
 And not one vacant Seat at Dinner find j 
 To {land and dine befits not in the leafl, 
 
 Sitting’s the proper Poflure of a Feafl. 
 
 Make fome give way-the Coward or the weak 5 
 
 For fuch no Satisfaction dares to take. 
 
 ■ «. * „ 
 
 Does he refill ? Why feize him by the Throat 5 
 Club-Law and * Cato both for this we quote. 
 
 If you your Knife not over-keen furvey. 
 Fraught with the Pudding of a former Day ; 
 
 C 4 Thefe 
 
 \ Cede tnajorilus. 
 
24 •' Grobianus. Book I, 
 
 Thefe Ills are foon remov’d——. put off your Shoe, 
 Which for a Whetftone very well may do : 
 
 Then on the Sole, by frequent Rubs fubdu’d, 
 
 Its Ruld fhall vanifh, and its Edge be good. 
 
 If any one admires at what they fee. 
 
 Reply, <£ a common Cuftom this with me. 
 
 Does not the wiih’d-for Food in Time appear ? 
 And you no longer now can perfevere ? 
 
 Let Wrath arifej you’ve Juftice on your Side 3 
 The Reafon’s good which urges you to chide. 
 
 “ Give me my Dinner,’’urge with clam’rous Sound, 
 Give me my Dinner,” let the Roofs rebound. 
 Forbid with threat’ning Speech all truant Ways, 
 Men often fuffer much for fmall Delays. 
 
 Perhaps, the Kitchen Veftal has forgot) 
 
 Or fome arch Wagg on Purpofe check’d the Pot. 
 
 Perhaps, 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. 
 
 2 5 
 
 Perhaps, in Readinefs no Servant dands, 
 
 To take the Vidt’als at the Scullion’s Hands, 
 
 With various Arts bid quick the Minutes rowl; 
 (Mifchiefs attend the dull lethargick Soul) 
 
 Mod; to this End the fcabby A— avails, 
 
 (Old Jemmy's With !) and rueful Length of Nails, 
 With thefe, in Scratching pafs away the Time, 
 
 Or, from old Ulcers rake the putrid Slime. 
 
 Or, as fome Mountain’s Top, in Days of old. 
 Broke off, fird tempted us to look for Gold, 
 Remove the Mountain-fcabs which grace thy Skin; 
 And feek what wond’rous Richnefs lies within. 
 
 Nor wipe your Knife, and by this Means you mud: 
 Enrich your Viands with the greated Gud. 
 
 Vermin there are, I fpeak a feeling Truth, 
 
 Too apt to prey upon the tender Youth : 
 
 Thefe Vermin do, on fix Supporters, crawl, 
 
 And often-times attack the Capital. 
 
 If 
 
26 
 
 G ROB I AN u s. Book I. 
 
 If at this Seafon they prefume to wound, 
 
 Let no Imparlance or Delay be found : 
 
 Pluck’d from the hairy Thickets of the Head, 
 
 Thy Nails fhall fqueeze the little Monfters dead; 
 
 Or drag your Foes, like a courageous Knight, 
 
 Forth from your Bofom, to the publick Sight : 
 
 If on the Table you thefe Captives place, 
 
 > . •> 
 They’ll entertain you with a charming Race. 
 
 Are none of thefe Amufements at command ? 
 Lo ! on the Board th’ inviting Diflies ftand. 
 
 With curious Fingers each Defeat amend. 
 
 If aught imperfedt fhou’d your Eyes offend: 
 
 In Hafte Artificers too much delight. 
 
 And frequently commit fome Overfight; 
 
 But thou correct, with poinant Sheffield Blade, 
 What Slips the Pewterer’s Impatience made. 
 
 Or carve thereon your Blouzabella's Name, 
 
 I dare enfure you from Reproach or Blame. 
 
 As 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. 
 
 2 7 
 
 As for the Cloth which on the Table lies. 
 Fail not to make it undergo Excife : 
 
 If hungry Guefts the flow’ry Damafk wound, 
 In this no fmall Utility is found. 
 
 'Twill make the Owner tremble for his Fate, 
 When Company are met, and Dinner’s late; 
 With Tears of Penitence his Lofs deplore, 
 
 And like Delays fhall vex the World no more. 
 
 A metal Ring is on the Table plac’d, 
 
 Both to fupport and ornament the Feafl j 
 Let that Machine with many a Blow refound; 
 By which will two Advantages be found; 
 
 For firft, the Mulick of this brazen Sphere 
 Shall pierce the tender Labyrinths of the Ear j 
 Next, reprimand, with merited Rebuke, 
 
 The carelefs Mafter and the tardy Cook. 
 
 Now 
 
28 
 
 Gr OBIAN us. Book I. 
 
 Now make fecure, I charge you on your Life, 
 
 Your Friend’s,your Father’s,your Companion’s Knife; 
 Its dreadful Edge againft the Pavement dafh. 
 
 Left it fhou’d too feverely cut and flafh. 
 
 Better made blunt againft unfeeling Stone, 
 
 Than wound a human Finger to the Bone. 
 
 If the digefled Meals of Yefterday 
 Demand a Vent, ’tis troublefome to ftay. 
 
 Of Breeches, Shoes, and Stocking take good Care; 
 And dread befides to taint the ambient Air : 
 
 Get up in hafte—- and anfwer in a Word, 
 
 Shou’d any afk your Bufinefs, ’tis a T— * 
 Return— to wafh you know is never good. 
 
 And fhift the Scene from Excrement to Food. 
 
 By fpending Time to wafh, ’tis likely, you 
 Might lofe your Dinner, and your Credit too. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
 * ** i '• & 
 
29 
 
 ' L 
 
 
 G R O B I A N U s. 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 Does, for the Time of Eating, all advife 
 IVhat ConduB is mojl Juitable and c wije. 
 
 F IRST comes the Soupe, being ealy to digelt. 
 With empty Stomachs ever fuiting belt; 
 
 In Time of Need if now no Spoons be there, 
 
 Nor thou from Food before thee can’d: forbear. 
 Let thro’ thy rofeat Lips the Neclar glide, 
 
 While thy Mouth grapples with the Dilhes’ Side. 
 For Parent Nature, kind to our Defires, 
 
 Gives freely what the Need of Man requires; 
 
 But Spoons are none of thofe: and therefore, * he 
 Whom Alexander wifely wifil’d to be. 
 
 As ufelefs Lumber did all Spoons dilband, 
 
 And rather chofe to drink by Word of Hand. 
 
 ’Tis laid, I wot not whether falfe or true. 
 
 This Ufe for Hands but very late he knew; 
 
 Diog, 
 
 enes. 
 
 A 
 
3° 
 
 Grobianus, 
 
 Book I. 
 
 A Boy, who in his Palm the Water caught, 
 
 To our old Man this faving Knowledge taught, 
 
 E’re the Contents of any Difh be carv’d. 
 
 To help yourfelf the firft be firft obferv’d; 
 
 Take what you mod; admire 5 it ne’er befits, 
 
 To let another tafle the nicer Bits : 
 
 Much Comfort you from this Behaviour draw. 
 As mod; convenient for the craving Maw. 
 Whoever make Remarks, be fure they hear, 
 
 “ Of all Mankind you hold yourfelf mod: dear. 
 
 Oft, on the farther End of all the Difh, 
 There lies the choicefl Morfel one can wifh 5 
 If in this Cafe no Stander-by befriend, 
 
 To feize the Treafure, thou thine Arm extend. 
 What tho’ far off? we not the more tranfgrefs, 
 Than if the Diftance, as it ought, were lefs. 
 
 . ». VU * 
 
 Or, 
 
Ckap. IV. Grobianus, 31 
 
 Or, whirl the Dilhes round, with courtly Art, 
 And bring more nigh the moll delicious Part; 
 With this Pretext the feeming Rudenefs cloke, 
 (And Ihow thy ready Talent for a Joke) 
 
 <l Thus (fay) the Conftellations fhift their Ground, 
 <c And frequent rowl their lucid Orbs around. 
 
 Of ev’ry Planet ev’ry Virtue trace; 
 
 Till your next Neighbour’s Fill falutes your Face : 
 He, laughing, tells, “ That when the Planets rowl, 
 “ Such prove the Motions of th’ aetherial Pole. 
 
 What Part a Friend prefents, abruptly take 
 In both your Hands, for Expedition fake. 
 
 Gripe ev’ry Part: devour it at a Bite, 
 
 If its high Flavour pleafe the Appetite. 
 
 On you bellow’d, it profits not a Whit, 
 
 To give your Neighbour any Part of it; 
 
 Nor thou the bounteous Donour thank, tho’ he 
 Right worlhipful, or of the Quorum be. 
 
 Tell 
 
Grobianus. 
 
 Book I; 
 
 32 
 
 Tell him, “You cou’d have help’d yourielf, nor 
 
 [Hand 
 
 “ In any Need of his officious Hand. 
 
 This courtly Anfwer, more than once, repeat; 
 
 And none ffiall dare to parcel out your Meat: 
 
 Yourfelf thenceforth ffiall, when and where you 
 
 [pkafe. 
 
 Without Controul the richeft Dainties feize. 
 
 Ranfack the fav’ry Kickffiaws o’er and o’er. 
 
 And ev’ry hidden Rarity explore : 
 
 “ Errors, like Straws, upon the Surface flow, 
 
 / 
 
 <c They who wou’d fiffi for Pearls muft dive below. 
 
 Yet after all, ’tis very hard to guefs 
 At Worth or Goodnefs by ! Appearances: 
 
 Too frequently, what faired; feems and beft. 
 
 When palated, offends th’ unwary Guefl. 
 
 Learn to be cautious: proving by the Tafte, 
 
 What pleas’d your Eyes when in the Diffies plac’d. 
 
 If 
 
Chap. IV. Grobianus, 33 
 
 If right the Gout , and to your Palate nice 3 
 I think you need no Monitor’s Advice; 
 
 But Ihou’d there want the Flavour you’d expedf, 
 Our Verfe fhall then inform thee how to a£t. 
 Return it to the Place from whence it came; 
 (T’offend your Stomach you’d be much to blame.) 
 Or elfe retain the whole within your Pow’r; 
 Seled: the beft and unforbid devour: 
 
 Prefs’d with both Hands by wholefale knaw your 
 
 [Meat i 
 
 Commodious this and exquifitely neat: 
 
 By Means fo wife the trenchant Blade we fpare, 
 Left fome obdurate Bone its Edge impair. 
 
 Back in the Dith the mangled Remnants lay $ 
 What one can’t eat perchance another may. 
 
 Let envious Churls to others Wants refufe. 
 
 The Goods which they themfelves can never ufe j 
 
 D 
 
 Another 
 
34 
 
 Grobi anus, Book L 
 
 Another takes with Eagernefs of Soul, 
 
 And gratefully regards the friendly Dole : 
 
 With prefent Carnage fills his empty Maw, 
 
 And grinds all Remnants with a greedy Jaw. 
 
 ’Twill yet more courtly more genteel be found, 
 If firfl you bite the Morfel all around ; 
 
 Real his Thanks will prove, his Joy fincere, 
 
 That Friends fo mindful of his Needs appear. 
 
 The World thy Love unfeign’d may clearly fee, 
 
 (In thefe degen’rate Times a Prodigy!) 
 
 From your own Mouth the deftin’d Meat repriev’d. 
 And giv’n unafk’d ! it fcarce can be believ’d. 
 
 So nice a Fragment, from his own dear Chops, 
 
 No Dog, to feed his Parent, ever drops. 
 
 If Ale, or Bacchus' more delightful Juice, 
 
 The Servants with a fcanty Hand produce j 
 
 In 
 
Chap. IV. Grobianus. 
 
 35 
 
 In Prudence hide the Cup behind your Back, 
 Which, Licence unobtain’d, let no Man (hack. 
 Let; while you drink, your Comrades Throats be 
 
 [dry, 
 
 EachGueft take Care of one : (do thou reply,) 
 Each Gued: with Circumfpedtion ought at firft 
 Have made Provifion for impending Third:. 
 
 Fill’d with one Difh, the loaded Bowels fwell 5 
 And lo ! another you edeem as well. 
 
 Does any Bandage girt the Belly round ? 
 
 Be that Confinement, in a trice, unbound : 
 
 To fit the Bus’nefs of the prefent Time, 
 
 Nor hold it fhameful, nor fuppofe a Crimea 
 
 Should you believe it in the lead: amifs* 
 
 Your Views diflemble by a Jed: like this; 
 
 Slily your Widies for a Change declare* 
 
 And to your own your Neighbour’s Belt prefer,; 
 
 D £ But 
 

 Groci ANUS. Book I. 
 
 But e’re you bargain, afk a ftridter View 
 Of his, and out of Hand your own undo. 
 
 Thus, to ungirt you’ve fair Occafion gain’d. 
 
 Till now by cruel Modefty retrain’d. 
 
 Do Lumps of Meat between thy Teeth inhere? 
 Remove them foon, my worthy Pioneer! 
 
 The Crocodile, tho’ fam’d for wily Tricks, -j- 
 When to his Jaws large Bits of Food affix. 
 
 Finds to his Coft the Grievance can’t be ffirr’d, 
 
 But by th’Affifiiance of a filly Bird ; 
 
 He gapes: The wing’d Inhabitant of Air 
 Does to his Mouth, in Hopes of Prey, repair. 
 
 In ev’ry hollow Tooth fecurely peak, 
 
 And pick from thence th’ Incumbrance with his 
 
 [Beak. 
 
 From you to Art be fmall Affiftance ow’d, 
 
 Fingers and Hands hath Nature’s felf beftow’d ; 
 
 Then 
 
 + Montaigne in his E flays gives us a long Acount of this famous Con¬ 
 vention between the Crocodile and the Wren, whereby he sets him in¬ 
 to his Mouth. 
 
Chap. IV. Grobianus. 37 
 
 Then or your Fingers or your Knife apply, 
 
 Nor on the Aftiftance of a Bird rely. 
 
 Nicely, what from your Teeth you’ve pick’d 
 
 [furvey. 
 
 And eat with Speed: Let nought be thrown away. 
 Or carve forthwith, before your Knife you cleanfe. 
 What Jointyou pleafe, and place before yourFriends: 
 Full many a foothing Blandishment repeat. 
 
 And bid your Neighbour condefcend to eat: 
 
 He the foul Pickings of your Jaws partakes, 
 
 Mean while with Laughter each Spectator (hakes. 
 Thus your Politenefs (lands by all confeft, 
 
 In native Wit fuperior to the reft. 
 
 Some wipe their Knives mod fcrupuloufly nice, 
 
 A Loaf till then they’ll not prefume to (lice; 
 
 In vain the Linnen we furcharge with Fat, 
 
 No folid Reafon can be found in that. 
 
 D 3 
 
 More 
 
3 8 Grqbianus. Book I. 
 
 More prudent thou, the common Loaf of Bread, 
 With Fatnefs, pleafing to the Tafle, be fpread : 
 Thy Friends fhall blefs the charitable Deed, 
 
 And on the greafy Manchet freely feed. 
 
 This alio, tho’ it feems a little rude, 
 
 In time of Hunger ufeful proves and good ; 
 
 If Dinner be with fumptuous Dainties fraught. 
 
 By eager Appetites with Ardour fought, 
 
 Within thy concave Palm, the Stream, that flows 
 Adown the fpacious Channels of thy Nofe, 
 
 Receive; (while each Beholder (lands aghafl) 
 
 And in the Difh or call, or feem to call: 
 
 So fhall you ail from eating foon deter, 
 
 None but yourfelf fhall tafte the Provender. 
 
 By Arts like thefe a quondam Rater thriv’d,-^ 
 
 His Name from Owl and Looking-glafs deriv’d 3 
 
 A 
 
 f- The Original rum thus. 
 
 Fecit idem quondam <vir famine ratus ubiq; 
 
 Nomina cui fpeculo no&ua junfta dedit. 
 
 Hunc homines cundli laudant, &c.-- 
 
 Here 
 
1 ? 
 
 Chap. IV. Grobianus. 
 
 A Looking-glals for Owls! the Dutch efteem, 
 Commemorate, and ft rive to copy him. 
 
 Like his thy Life, like his thy Manners be; 
 And fhine exemplar to Pofterity. 
 
 But wou’d you have me tell you, like a Friend, 
 What Time the Labours of a Feaft Ihou’d end? 
 Then leave, when Guts are almoft burft in twain, 
 A farther Load unable to contain. 
 
 I had, befides, fome golden Rules of Art, 
 
 To give you e’re from Dinner we depart; 
 
 But fleeting Time is ever on the Wing, 
 
 The reft at Supper we defign to fing. 
 
 Here the Author alludes to a Boole, written in Dutch , entitukd, the 
 Life of Uyle-Spegel, or Qnul-glafs ; a Hero of equal Rank with Tom 
 
 Tram in Englijh -I am of Opinion that the famous Ben Johnfo h 
 
 had read this Book, there being this Paflage, in his Play called the 
 Poetajier , “ D'ye hear, Owl-g/a/s ? - This Owl-glafs was a kind 
 of Grobianus. 
 
40 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Does , after Dinner teach Deportment meet , 
 And with what Grace to walk along the Street. 
 
 H E Bowels now b’ing cramm’d with 
 
 [fplendid Fare, 
 
 1 Far off be banifh’d, that Intruder, Care. 
 The Stomach fickens when the Mind’s unbleft, 
 Nor in due Order can its Food digeft; 
 
 From thence Difeafes numberlefs arife, 
 
 O! fhun all anxious Labour, and be wife. 
 Believe me, Sir ! ’tis wholefomer by much, 
 
 To reft, when Dinner’s ended, on the Couch 5 
 Till Supper one continu’d Slumber take. 
 
 When Supper calls, ’tis Time enough to wake. 
 Unreprehended there, fupine, you lie. 
 
 And many a fragrant * Bum-gut-Jhot let flie : 
 Tell each nice Critick, that you want the Art, 
 To curb, that adtive Principle — a Fart, 
 
 But 
 
 * Bumgutjhot. a Word of Rabelais , 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus, 
 
 4 1 
 
 But if to fleep you not adjudge the bed:. 
 
 Nor chufe your Body to indulge with Reft; 
 
 Arife, and flowly march along the Street, 
 
 It fuits full well a Man with Food replete : 
 
 Gently to jog along, will help Digeftion, 
 
 This Truth your learned Leeches never queftion. 
 
 With Hands unwaftfd you came to Dinner, fo, 
 With Hands unwafh’d, away from Dinner go. 
 The fpicy Food a richer Fragrance yields. 
 
 Than all th’ infpid Springs that lave the Fields. 
 
 Your Shoes with Dirt remain bedawb’d all o’er. 
 I’ve told you why the Brufli fliou’d be forbore; 
 
 Be mindful then, all Nicety avoid, 
 
 Too foon by walking in the Streets deftroy’d. 
 
 When 
 
42 G R O B ;I A N U S. Book I. 
 
 , V|i j| • i I- r- ’ 
 
 When in the Middle of the publick Street, 
 
 If your full Stomach’s overcharg’d with Meat, 
 There, unabafh’d, heroically, fpew j 
 Tho’ in the Market, and expos’d to View: 
 
 Nor mark the circling Crowd that Hand fo thick. 
 While you reject the Load which makes you fick. 
 Thus to behave did Anthony prefume. 
 
 And he was Conful of imperial Rome; 
 
 How yields the Britijh to the Roman Name ? 
 
 How yield to his the Honours thou can’ll claim ? 
 What fuch a Man perform’d in fuch a Place, 
 
 Thee and thefe Regions never can difgrace. 
 
 If yet no great Examples Ihou’d prevail, 
 
 Self-Love’s an Argument can feldom fail $ 
 
 To vomit once a Month* Phyficians tell, 
 
 Will flir the Blood, and keep the Body well; 
 
 If Vomits, by no more than monthly Ufe, 
 
 So well preferve, fuch great Effects produce, 
 
 By 
 
43 
 
 Chap. V. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 By fequel Logical conclude we may, 
 
 ’Tis beft to vomit once or twice a Day. 
 
 If Urine preffes, as abroad you wend, 
 
 Let nought the falutary Stream fulpend: 
 
 The Work begun with Might and Main purfue, 
 Tho’ bafhful Maids or ferious Matrons view. 
 Shame has its Weight, yet Health is far before 5 
 With Eafe we lofe it, and with Pains redore : 
 
 The brittle Good foon vanifhes away, 
 
 But Sicknefs lads for ever and a Day. 
 
 If any Garment your broad Shoulders hide, 
 
 That Covering be loofely thrown adde: 
 
 And led your Pace the flow’ring Garb delay, 
 Entrap your Steps, and dangle in your Way, 
 
 Thou with both Hands thy Cloak behind thee 
 
 [throw. 
 
 And thy Foreparts to each Spe&atrefs diow. * 
 
 " Say, 
 
 * The celebrated Houyhnbnm, (who read Captain Gulliver To many 
 excellent Lectures of Morality) allerts, That he can fee no Rcafon why 
 
 •we ougot to be ajbatrid of what Nature has given us. Nay : does 
 
 pot (acred Writ allure us. That our uncomely Parts have more abimdant 
 Gome linefs ? 
 
44 
 
 GrO B I ANUS. 
 
 Book I. 
 
 Say, what avails a Multitude of Cloaths ? 
 
 Is’t not enough we Doublets wear, and Hofe ? 
 Matrons and Maids admire the goodly Sight, 
 Profufe with Blifs and pregnant with Delight: 
 
 Thy fhapely Form behold with ravifh’d Eyes, 
 
 And mark how firm the Nerves and Sinews rife. 
 Thus Love of thee fhall fire each female Heart, 
 Such Love to win we pradtife ev’ry Art. 
 
 If Friends or Strangers happen in your Way, 
 And complimentai Salutation pay, 
 
 No fudden Anfwer condefcend to give ; 
 
 But let my Rules within your Mem’ry live. 
 
 Conn all their Features o’er; from thence you’ll 
 
 [find. 
 
 Whether they fpeak the Language of the Mind. 
 
 In Cafe their Vifage gives their Tongues the Lye, 
 Do thou in Silence pafs difdainful by. 
 
 Salute 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 45 
 
 Salute no Mortal firft: The State maintain 
 Of fome fierce Bull that lords it o’er the Plain ; 
 You’ll grow in publick ERimation lefs, 
 
 If once obferv’d too eafy of Accefs. 
 
 Such Levity keeps back your rifing Fame, 
 
 Soils your grave Character, and hurts your Name: 
 Honour, however juftly rais’d before, 
 
 Now fets, like Stars that fall, to rile no more. 
 
 At her own Door perchance fome Female Hands, 
 Who now. Sultana-like, your Choice demands: 
 Tho you ne’er faw her charming Face before. 
 With lawlefs Eyes her Features wander o’er ; 
 
 Soft Words and fofter Looks at Random dart, 
 
 For Modefty ne’er won fair Maiden’s Heart. 
 Whatever can the dimpled Smile provoke. 
 
 Deem not uncouth, nor filthy to be fpoke; 
 
 Dame 
 
Book L 
 
 46 GrobiAnus. 
 
 Dame Nature nought that’s fhocking ever bred* 
 But Men form Bug-bears flrft, and after dread. 
 The Stoicks Do&rines, rigid and fevere, 
 
 Will fcarce a Lover to his Nymph endear 5 
 Do thou the Rules, the crabbed Rules forfake* 
 Which furly Cato and harfh Zeno fpake : 
 
 The Cynicks better Precepts bear in Mind, 
 
 Who liv’d to Love's fweet Pleafures well-inclin’d; 
 Around her Neck of yielding Marble call 
 Your Arms, and kifs her, when you have her fafb 
 Should (he the complaifant Embrace avoid, 
 
 A little honeft Force is well employ’d: 
 
 The coy, difdainful, flying Fair, will prove 
 A willing Victim to the God of Love* 
 
 Call her your Miftrefs, and with kind Addrefs* 
 
 At ev’ry Word your am’rous Flame confefs: 
 
 This in the Street perform, that all may fee 
 Your Wit, your tuneful Pipe, and merry Glee. 
 
 Thefe 
 
 2 
 
Chap. V. G r o B I A N u S. 
 
 Thefe Manners keep, and all you like embrace, 
 Nor care however publick be the Place } 
 
 Fear not your Character to lofe by this. 
 
 None of fuch Conduct fhall conceive amifs: 
 
 Yet if fome Girl firfl afks you, how you do. 
 
 To give her Thanks not once belongs to you 5 
 Do thou mifconflrue whatfoe’er fhe fays, 
 
 “ And torture one poor Word a thoufand Ways. 
 
 As ruflick Manners prove your utmofl Aim, 
 From rude Simplicity expe&ing Fame, 
 
 To fill the Void of Senfe, let Pride arife. 
 
 Swell in your Bread; and fparkle in your Eyes. 
 
 The wretched Owners of mean abjed Hearts, 
 Strangers to their own Worth, and Wit, and Parts, 
 Tho’ to the higheft Place their Claim were juft. 
 Have all their Honours levell’d with the Dull. 
 
 As each is big within his own Conceit, 
 
 So fhall he be by all reputed great; 
 
 But, 
 
48 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 But, if on Earth in low Defpair he lies, 
 
 Helplefs himfelf, no Soul fhall bid him rife. 
 
 Thou therefore yield to none, but high in Spirit, 
 Hold all Things far beneath your mighty Merit: 
 Nay, fhou’d you meet a Man, whofe Fame refounds. 
 With Jurtice, to the World’s extremeft Bounds; 
 Whether, inverted with fuperior Sway, 
 
 His righteous Laws the Citizen obey : 
 
 Or whether he reveals the Will of Jove , 
 
 Ordain’d our Convoy to the Realms above ; 
 
 Or leads, in any other honeft Sort, 
 
 A Life of Virtue and of good Report; 
 
 Thou from uncov’ring of the Head forbear. 
 
 Nor rtir your Hat to difcompofe your Hair. 
 
 Were we not all of Earth created firrt, 
 
 A wretched Heap of undiftinguifh’d Durt ? 
 
 Or can the Rich, with all his golden Store, 
 
 Exirt one Moment longer than the Poor ? 
 
 Cloth9 
 
 x 
 
49 
 
 Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 Clotho an equal Line of Life affords, 
 
 To ’Squires and Footboys, Scavengers and Lords. 
 Since then the fame Condition all partake, 
 
 Of Perfons no unjuft Diftindtion make : 
 
 But, like a Man of Might, give Place to none; 
 And take the Wall of every Mother’s Son. 
 
 As, thro’ the fpacious Street, or publick Road, 
 You, with your Friend or Comrade, walk abroad, 
 
 t. • « . * 
 
 Your Equal or your Betters ; yet you muft 
 Down to the Left-hand Side that Comrade thrufh 
 But if mod; Filth be there, then fear to flide, 
 
 And prudent lay your legal Claim afide : 
 
 Your proper Steps from Mire obfcene defend • 
 
 And leave the Dirt and Soilage to your Friend; 
 You’ll foon perceive, if in the leafl adroit, 
 
 Th’ Advantage of this notable Exploit. 
 
 E 
 
 When 
 
5 ° 
 
 G robianus. Book I. 
 
 When Wind, that pains the Belly, wou’d repair 
 Forth from a narrow Gut to open Air, 
 
 Your Prisoner, in what Way you pleafe, difmifs; 
 What Nature bids, can never be amifs. 
 
 Whenever fuch Behaviour gives Offence, 
 
 This Anfwer vindicates your Innocence j 
 “ From Wind, which long within the Belly * lies; 
 “ Vertigo, Cholick, Spafm, and Dropfy rife. 
 
 “ This Rule each learned Son of Galen gives, 
 
 “ A Rule by which the Man of Manners lives. 
 Claudius , left Sicknefs fhou’d enfue, decreed, -f* 
 That all Men fart and belch in Time of Need j 
 His Edift ferves to juftify your Ways, 
 
 Nor only bare Forgivenefs gains, but Praife. 
 
 As 
 
 * This Diftich is a Quotation from the Schela Salemitaiia ; to 
 which Book l refer the Reader. - 
 
 j- This Edidt of Claudius (here fpecified) is recorded by feveral 
 Cla flick Authors : Wherefore it is no uncommon Thing with Fellows 
 of Colleges, when they fart in Company, to ftrike their Paws upon 
 the Table, and roar out CLAUD JUS. 
 
Chap. V. GkoBiANUs. a 
 
 D ' / 
 
 As thro the Green enamell’d Mead yo'ti walkj 
 Make fhort your Journey with delightful Talk : 
 
 Your Friend fublimeft Matters wou’d relate, 
 
 And tells how Peace fupports a finking State, 
 
 Thou interrupt, with frivolous Difcourfe, 
 
 And flop the Converfation’s purpos’d Courfe. 
 
 “ mouldy Chronicles let others pore, 
 fSay thou,) <c I like our own Tranfadtions more: 
 
 Old Wines and old Religions moft engage, 
 
 “ And trufty Friends are fanftify’d with Age ; 
 
 Yet tho fome Things, when oldeft, prove the 
 U We mu ft not fo pronounce of all the reft. ^ 
 
 We 11 tell of our own Times, our own Affairs, 
 
 ** And what new Joys each fmiling Minute bears. 
 
 Then with fome fportive Trifle, ftraight begin 
 To wrinkle ev’ry Vifage with a Grin, 
 strange Stories of your fair one’s Kandnefs feign, 
 
 ^nd boaft what Favours you cou’d ne’er attain. 
 
 E 2 
 
 Sermons 
 
cj 2 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Sermons but feldom, Jokes will ever hit, 
 
 And low Obfcenity is counted Wit. 
 
 Then ufe, dear Youth ! the faflfionable Art, 
 
 And waken into Joy your Comrade’s Heart : 
 
 Let Shame be banifh’d to the fartheft Pole, 
 
 For Shame betrays a Narrownefs of Soul: 
 
 In moft Societies of Youth, we find 
 This the prevailing Bias of the Mind; 
 
 Good Senfe and Virtue is a Theme they hate, 
 
 But filthy Tales, with Rapture, they relate. 
 
 What all Men ad in no one Man looks odd, 
 
 And fafeft is the Path which moft is trod ; 
 
 Be thy Behaviour as the Times require, 
 
 And chufe that Dialed; which moft admire. 
 
 4 *d T'vH ' y • .y, ■ -/ v, ( i. i. ( - • 'p“ 
 
 The babling Tongue has fomeihing ftill to fay, 
 And, uncon troll'd by Senfe, can prate away ; 
 
 But if yourfelf no Topicks can advance, 
 
 (Which feems to me a moft unlikely Chance) 
 
 Whil< 
 
53 
 
 Chap. VI. G ROBIANUS. 
 
 While others drive their Eloquence t’exert. 
 
 Of all they fay, the Meaning quite pervert; 
 
 Things plain and clear as threadbare Tales receive. 
 And Things abdrufe defpife or difbelieve. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 What beft behoves the well-bred Youth to do , 
 
 Before , and at , and after Supper too. 
 
 O W tow’rd the Wefern Ocean Phoebus 
 
 [fpeeds. 
 
 To plunge in cooling Waves his weary 
 
 [Steeds, 
 
 Approaching Supper bids us ceafe to roam, 
 
 And urgent Appetites remand us Home. 
 
 Farewel Difcourfe : Words are no more than Air, 
 The hungry Belly feeks fubdantial Fare. 
 
 Yet too impetuous Hade is no fmall Fault, 
 
 (’Tis radi to aft without preceding Thought.) 
 
 And if beyond the promis’d Hour we day, 
 Advantages accrue from this Delay. 
 
 Some Friend at Home, obferving your Negleft, 
 Indead of you, diall all Affairs dire<d; 
 
 E 3 Yourfelf 
 
 
54 G R O B I A N u s. Book I. 
 
 Yourfelf in nothing fend a helping Hand, 
 
 Nor matter how the Chairs and Tables ft and. 
 
 All Care avoid : For every prudent Man 
 To ’fcape from Care tries all the Shifts he can. 
 
 Seem not a Man ofBu’snefs nor of Wit, 
 
 * f ? 
 
 For little Profit you from thence will get; 
 Simplicity fhall prove of better Ufe, 
 
 For all Abfurdities a good Excufe : 
 
 When deem’d unable to tranfadl Affairs, 
 
 Light fhall your Burden prove and few your Cares: 
 Wife is the Man who ev’ry Labour ftiuns, 
 
 And loves himfelfof all his Mother’s Sons. 
 
 Who puts his Treafure on a publick Shelf^ 
 
 Takes the moft ready Way to lofe his Pelf y 
 But he that locks his Talents in a Cheft, 
 
 No Fear of Pvobbers interrupts his Reft. 
 
 The Brave by too confpicuous Merit fall, 
 
 None to the Field th’ unaftive Coward call. 
 
 Chiron ’ 
 
55 
 
 Chap.* VI. Grobianus. 
 
 Chiron 's brave Pupil, for his private Weal, 
 
 Was forc’d both Sex and Valour to conceal; 
 
 TJlyffes in like Cafe like Caution had, 
 
 r f • * * 
 
 And fhunn’d the Wars, pretending to be mad : 
 Then ev’ry Virtue, ev’ry Art difown, -J* 
 
 Nor let one worthy Quality be known. 
 
 Judg’d an accomplifh’d Man, they’ll urge you hill 
 To Bu’snefs, tho’ full fore againft your Will. 
 
 The Precepts giv’n at Dinner now review ; 
 
 For fome of thofe will ferve at Supper too. 
 
 Dull Repetition is no venial Crime, 
 
 What need we prove extravagant of Time ? 
 
 To ruftick Manners if the Will’s inclin’d, 
 
 The main Thing needful is a willing Mind - y 
 Many have ne’er been taught, yet ne’er have fail’d, 
 So much has native Oddity avail’d. 
 
 Soon 
 
 “'V ';'oi hr A\l ,: r - - • r - -i 
 
 t Cicero gives us another Example of this Kind, and that of a 
 Lawgiver. ImprimiJ'que <verfutum & calidum Solonis, qui , quo & tutior 
 ojitaejus ejfet, Cif plus aliquanto reipub. prodejfet, furere fe Jhnulavit. De 
 Offic. lib. i. fed. 30. This is doubtlefs what Horace would recom¬ 
 mend, when he fays, Dulce ejl dejipere in loco. 
 
56 
 
 Grobianps, Book I, 
 
 Soon as at Board your Parents take their Seat, 
 And bid the Family fit down and eat ; 
 
 Again the higheft Place we recommend, 
 
 Left to the very loweft you defcend: 
 
 F or he that takes befide the Door his Station, 
 Submits to fuch Fatigue and Moleftation. 
 
 Are Servants abfent ? Then, “young Manarife, 
 And fee who’s at the Door; old Greybeard cries ? 
 If Towzer farts, he fnufFs the ftrong Perfume, 
 Delires you’ll banifh 'Towzer from the Room; 
 
 And when the Smell is o’er, his Anger paft, 
 
 The Dog mu ft re-admitted be at laft. 
 
 Since then from Station low fuch PJagues arife. 
 
 To let another take it we advife. 
 
 WithShow’rs of Soop befprinkleFriends andFoes, 
 Nor fear (tho’ Reafon good) to foil their Clothes. 
 
 Thus 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 
 
 57 
 
 Thus to be fmear’d affords extreme Delight, 
 Th’ Event declaring that the Deed is right; 
 Th’ ambrofial Com portion, freely Ihed, 
 
 Shall all around its fragrant Odour fpread; 
 
 As pleafing to the Brain as to the Tafte, 
 
 Good in the Difh, but better on the VefL 
 Their Ipotted Garb the joyful Wearers lee, 
 
 A Pledge of Friendfhip, and a Pledge of thee. 
 Nor f$il, if tamely they fubmit, to Ihow 
 The lavifh Wrinkles of a laughing Brow: 
 
 This Fadt a univerfal Laugh procures, 
 
 Apd all the Praife of Boorilhnefs is yours. 
 
 Should any take it in difdainful Guife, 
 
 And Signs of Fury iparkle in their Eyes ; 
 
 A Ihort Excufe lhall varnifh o’er the Cafe, 
 
 (To foftExpreflions Wrath will foon give Place) 
 We err unwilling, fuch the Fate of Men ! 
 And perpetrate the Crimes we never ken ^ 
 
 “ But 
 
58 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 " But after all, admonifh’d for a Fault, 
 
 “ We’re to Repentance and Contrition brought: 
 
 “ Let Sorrow make Atonement for the Crime, 
 
 “ To err is human, to forgive, divine. 
 
 Your Pardon’s feal’d j th’ offended Gueft flnall fee. 
 Your Hands were guilty, but your Heart was free. 
 
 Or elfe, which I adjudge the better Way, 
 
 ’Gainft them you’ve injur’d, bitterly inveigh : 
 
 Bid ’em “ Their keen Refentment learn to fpare,** 
 They fhou’d themfelves have taken better Care ; ?■ 
 £C Let their own Heads their own Offences bear. ^ 
 
 y )t . 
 
 Curious obferve, the while you fit at Meat, 
 
 What and how much all others drink and eat; 
 
 Nor veil your Purpofe with the leaft Difguife ; 
 Make known thofe Obfervations of your Eyes. 
 From thence fhall Benefits unknown redound, 
 
 And you yourfelf a ufeful Man be found. 
 
 Each 
 
Chap* VI. Grobianus. 
 
 59 
 
 Each blufhing now no longer, like a Beaft, 
 
 Shall greedily devour the genial Feaft. 
 
 Nor rev’rence thou the Matron’s hoary Head ; 
 Nor fear to tinge the Virgin’s Cheeks with Red; 
 The leaft Reftraint in Words and Deeds difcard, 
 Yourfelf with Praifes fhall yourfelf reward : 
 Happy 1 tho’ all diflike, if fhill you find 
 The Plaudit of your own impartial Mind. 
 
 Suppofe the Candles caft a feeble Light, 
 
 And Amputation need to make ’em bright ; 
 
 Be fure you ne’er employ your dext’rous Hand, 
 Unlefs your Parent more than once command ; 
 Then fnuff ’em out; ’twill be a decent Joke, 
 
 To prove how little Fire produces Smoke; 
 
 What grateful Fumes extinguifh’d Lights attend • 
 What Clouds of Incenfe to the Skies afcend. 
 
 Some 
 
 I 
 
6o 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Some fay this Smell (but lure they idly rave) 
 Makes pregnant Damfels lofe what Nature gave: 
 
 Do thou believe ’twill ev’ry Gueft delight, 
 
 Nor to the Girls be otherwife than right. 
 
 There are, who will not our Opinions brook, 
 
 From fuch for potent Contradi&ion look: 
 
 Their Tenets to defend, they’ll quote you Store 
 Of learned Men, That liv’d in Days of Yore ; 
 
 And Pliny f rft ; who fays, cc The noxious Fume 
 “ Deftroys the Foetus in its Mother’s Womb *. 
 Now thine Antagonift with Noife fubdue. 
 Roundly alferting all he fpeaks untrue j 
 Shamelefs thyfelf, expofe to publick Shame, 
 
 And in thele Words, or Words like thele defamej 
 
 <£ Good Sir • what I with Freedom tell, excufe, 
 You ought your Speech more Iparingly to ufe: 
 
 “ The 
 
 AO 
 
 t MaHyA.tho^ as well as Ancients, and particularly 
 
 A wen us, are cf this Opinion. * y 
 
Chap. VI. Gro bianus. 61 
 
 <4 The Bad by Lies in vain wou’d Fame acquire, 
 “ The Good to Glory better Ways afpire ; 
 
 “ I’ve read old Pliny o’er and o’er again, 
 
 “ No Syllable of this his Leaves contain. 
 
 <£ How Ihou’d he know the Truth on’t ? grant he 
 
 [faith, 
 
 <£ Muft it become an Article of Faith ? 
 
 £f Throughout the Volume he has left behind, 
 
 “ What glaring Falfhoods may the Reader find? 
 All hold you now in Nature's Laws well-fkill’d. 
 And blefs your Skull, with learned Lumber fill’d ! 
 
 Of various Goblets, lo ! an ample Store, 
 
 And Juice of Grapes which, diflant Regions borej 
 No foolifii Cares of adling well be thine, 
 
 Nor range in dull Formality the Wine: 
 
 Your Bowls replenifh, or with Red or White; 
 And, void of Order, different Wines unite. 
 
 What Harm’s in mixing ev’ry Sort of Juice ? 
 
 The felf-fame Earth did ev’ry Sort produce; 
 
 All 
 
62 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 All forms incorporate one common Power, 
 
 New Wine correcting old, and fweet Wine fewer * 
 United Pow’rs immortal Feats have Blown,- 
 But ufelefs each when fingle and alone. 
 
 Shou’d this feem new to any Stander-by, 
 
 Approve your ConduC: foon with this Reply ; 
 
 “ AC: not Phyficians thus, a learned Tribe, 
 
 <£ Who compound Med’cines ev’ry Hour prefcribe j 
 “To Patient Pick, by Anna's nice,- impart ’em,- 
 “ And ev’ry Thing is done Secundum Artem. 
 
 “ From Mixtures they feme great Advantage gainy 
 For Men fe wife wou’d never a£t in : vain; 
 
 The cogent Reafons of this Rule prevail. 
 
 In Liquors made from Malt, or brown or pale j ‘ 
 Your Cambro-Britons fwear, their Ales are belt. 
 
 To pleafe and nourifh ev’ry jovial Gueft. 
 
 Tho fcarce inferior, I efteem the Beers, 
 
 Of Dorfet and of Lincoln ; Rival Shires ! 
 
 2 
 
 Nor 
 
Chap. V. G ROBIANUS. 6 3 
 
 Nor ftiall right Brunfwick Mum the Palm refign, 
 Brunfwick ! a Name immortal and divine. 
 
 u\ • . - 
 
 Come mingle, mingle, all that mingle can. 
 
 Like Sbakejpears Spirits, of a different Clan; 
 
 Let thick with thin, let dale with mellow blend. 
 They’re all one Way defign’d, and to one Center 
 
 [tend. 
 
 Whoever drinks and then the Cup imparts, 
 
 That all may wafh the Sorrow from their Hearts, 
 
 Refufe to pledge him-or the Veftel drain. 
 
 And do not let a fingle Drop remain. 
 
 To bare your Head is no Command of mine, 
 When drinking the prefented Bowl of Wine ; 
 
 Juft touch that ufeful Tegument your Hat, 
 
 Strid Complaifance tequires no more than that: 
 
 Or elfe fuch Motions make, as who furvey. 
 
 May think you mean to throw your Hat away. 
 
 You 
 

 Grobianus. 
 
 Book L 
 
 You fit and weli the prefen t Bus’nefs ply,- 
 Each Cup recruiting which before was dry ; 
 
 If thro’ your Hands the fra&ur’d Glades fall* 
 What loud Applaufes echo thro’ the Hall ? 
 
 Your frugal Parent feems difpleas’d alone, 
 
 The Damage, and the Rage, are all his own. 
 
 “ Pardon, dread Sir! (fay thou) a Drunkard’s Vice f* 
 No doubt you’ll gain Forgivenefs in a Trice. 
 
 Behold* at reft, a Vefiel unemploy’d ? 
 
 At once of Cargoe and an Owner void : 
 
 Some fober Perfon plac’d it there (perchance.) 
 Loth to exceed the Verge of Temperance* 
 
 No empty Cups fhou’d at a Feaft be found. 
 
 But ail be fill’d and circulate around: 
 
 Seize, fill, and drink “ to any thirfty Soul ; ” 
 Thus, in its wonted Order, moves the Bowk 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus, 
 
 65 
 
 Let Fraud ftill lurk beneath a fair Difguife 5 
 For (know) to over-reach is to be wife. 
 
 Your private Cann with humble Ale be fill’d. 
 
 The Liquor fair Britannia's Regions yield ; 
 
 To others mixing Beer, Wine, Cyder, Mum ; 
 For mix d (you know) they always overcome : 
 Thus your incautious Comrades Sots commence, 
 While fober you difplay fuperior Senfe. 
 
 Or, if your tender Confcience fhou’d be fore. 
 Then drink an equal Dividend or more : 
 Ofiicioufly be drunk before the reft. 
 
 And prove the Butt of ev’ry fportive Gueft. 
 Charm’d with the gay Example of their Friend, 
 All, to be moft and fboneft drunk, contend ; 
 
 Since thou rt become fo drole, they wifh, to be 
 As diole, as mirthful, and as drunk as thee. 
 
 F C FI A P. 
 
 p •-«. 
 
66 
 
 Grobianus. 
 
 Book I. 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 How to difpenfe , to evry Gueji , the Cup 
 And by what Arts to break their Congrefs up. 
 
 f H 10 fhow you’ve gotten all our Rules by 
 
 [Heart, 
 
 * Be fure each boon Companion adts his Part; 
 That none, pretending Bus’nefs, homeward reels. 
 Till mighty Bacchus lays him by the Heels. 
 
 But, tho’ your Sire fhould wilh them far away, 
 
 Ule all Endeavours to prolong their Stay. 
 
 Some Waggs on purpofe let their Glafs Hand hill, 
 And the next Round a little more they fill $ 
 
 Do thou refufe to credit them with more. 
 
 Till each has empty’d all his former Store. 
 
 Bid each invert his Glals, “ I’m not fo mad, 
 
 f *'• ■’ Sv’’ \ .... : .. . . • v. i J, X •. ■ J Zilj f- 
 
 “ As Wine, where Wine already is, to add. 
 
 “ You're partial to yourfelves, I much mihruh, 
 cc But I fhall hill endeavour to be juh: 
 
 The 
 
Chap. VII. Grobianus. 
 
 6 7 
 
 ** The Name of Honed: has been long app'y’d, 
 
 “ To Sots, more frequent than the World befide ; 
 “ This proper Attribute my prudent Care 
 Shall keep from dwindling into empty Air. 
 “To all the Guefts will I alike be true, 
 
 “ And faithfully my Stewardship purfue. 
 
 This fay to each, regardlefs of his Pray’r; 
 
 And make him drink an equitable Share. 
 
 Thus vigilant behave ; perchance the Thing 
 To you Shall fomewhat of Advantage bring : 
 When all are drunk, the Banquet foon concludes. 
 And dulcet Sleep on ev’ry Eyelid broods j 
 Yourfelf lhall fooner on the Bed repofe, 
 
 From whence, unwillingly, at Noon you rofe. 
 
 “ It much impairs our Health, to watch by Night; 
 (This Ovid fpeaks, and all he Ipeaks is right) 
 
 “ Sleep refts our Limbs, bids Toil and Trouble 
 
 {ceafe, 
 
 “ And lulls us in the downy Lap of Pea<;e. 
 
 F 2 
 
 To 
 
68 G ROBIANUS. Book I. 
 
 To reach that Cole the Bed be thy Defign, 
 
 And fend thy Comrades thither, fill’d with Wine. 
 
 Now mark the Sequel with attentive Ears, 
 
 In which no imall Simplicity appears; 
 
 Two diftant Tables oft one Banquet grace, 
 
 Where Guefls, according to their Kind, have Place : 
 At this , are fet the Men of high Renown ; < 
 
 At that , the lowed: Rabble in the Town. 
 
 Thefe kill the Time, with many a harmlefs Joke j 
 While thofe do nothing elfe but drink and fmoke. 
 Art thou of ev’ry Wine fupreme Trufbee ? 
 
 Lord of the Cellar ? Keeper of the Key ? 
 
 Let Burgundy , to pleafe the Rabble, flow, 
 
 On better Guelts the vilefl: Wines bellow. 
 
 Nor ralhly we enad this wholefome Law, 
 
 That ever for the Wife bad Wines you draw; 
 Thefe Men are fam’d, thefe great Affairs tranfad, 
 To thefe the Vulgar pay deferv’d Refped : 
 
 II 
 
Chap. VII. Grobianus. 
 
 69 
 
 If blinded with Excefs of Liquor, they 
 Shou’d, from the Sheepfold of the Sober, ftray, 
 Dotage enfues, and Mockery, and Shame, 
 
 And one full Glafs entirely drowns their Fame ; 
 For, when brifk Wine the Senfes over-rules, 
 
 The Mind’s dethron’d, and fober Men turn Fools: 
 Still deeper in its Dye we count the Fault, 
 
 As greater is the Man with Liquor caught; 
 
 Let not from thee fuch heinous Crimes arife. 
 
 Nor tempt, with gen’rous Wines, the Brave and 
 
 [wife. 
 
 In dilatory Converfation thefe engage, 
 
 And lengthen out one Topick for an Age ; 
 
 To Elocution, more than Drink, inclin’d, 
 
 Wou’d ftarve the Body to enrich the Mind ; 
 Prolong the Feaft till Clocks ftrike God knows 
 
 [what. 
 
 While ev’ry Thought of Llome is quite forgot. 
 
 To thefe, on purpofe, and with fet Defign, 
 
 Prefent the mod; unpalatable Wine. 
 
 F 3 
 
 (No 
 
ro Grobianus, Book I. 
 
 ( No other Remedy is half fo fure. 
 
 And flubborn Ills demand a ftubborn Cure) 
 
 Now, very foon, they’ll bid the wiih’d Adieu, 
 Offended highly with your Wine and you : 
 
 To his own Manfion ev’ry Sage retreats. 
 
 And crops of foft Repofe the balmy Sweets. 
 
 The Wife of Socrates , alive in Name 
 Ev’n yet — (her Manners juftly earn’d her Fame) 
 When once her Husband ventur’d to invite 
 A Friend or two, extremely erudite j 
 Each gave fome weighty Difquifition Birth, 
 
 Yet mingled, now and then, fome Grains of Mirth. 
 As thefe the Time in learned Trifles wear. 
 
 They grate too much on fair Zantifpe 's Ear ; 
 
 At length, to break the Conyerfation’s Chain, 
 
 She brings forth all the Counfel of her Brain ; 
 Firft, to her Spoufe and Guefts a Lefture holds, 
 With all the wonted Eloquence of Scolds : 
 
 Then, 
 
Chap. VII. Grobianus. 71 
 
 Then, fince nor Guefts nor Spoufe that Le&ure 
 
 [heed. 
 
 She flies to Means more likely to fucceed ; 
 O’erturns the Tables and her Hufband’s Friends 
 Each to his proper Habitation fends. 
 
 To emulate this Deed I’d ne’er omit, 
 
 When Guefts unfeafonably late wou’d fit. 
 
 If thee their grave majeflick Prefence move. 
 
 And thou fo grofs an A&ion difapprove, 
 
 Tire ’em with Wines by ev’ry Tafle abhorr’d ; 
 
 And they’l move homewards of their own accord. 
 
 Remind ’em oft, in cafe they loiter on. 
 
 How far the frigid Wain of Phebe 's gone j 
 What Hour is ftruck, how very late it grows. 
 
 That all may know ’tis time to feek Repofe. 
 
 Shamelefs, with lying Lips, the Loit’rers cheat s 
 And break their long Difcourfes by Deceit. 
 
 F4 
 
 For 
 
72 
 
 G ROB 1 AN U S. ' Book I 
 
 For Indance, when the Birds of Night begin 
 With hideous Notes to ufher Darknefs in, 
 Pretend, that from Mid-heaven the Moon retires, 
 With her attendant Train of lefler Fires. 
 
 Or bid ’em, plainly, and devoid of Fear, 
 
 Each to his Plome however homely deer ; 
 
 That your Indulgence has been over-full, 
 
 For Tales fo tedious, and for Jeds fo dull. 
 
 If thus it fhou’d not pleafe thee to behave, 
 
 To Men fedately temperate and grave. 
 
 Then, let them hold their wife Adembly dill. 
 And fit, and talk, and ad whate’er they will. 
 
 But thou, forthwith, their Converfation quit, 
 
 For Coxcombs, equal to thyfelf in Wit: 
 
 With thofe in fadiionable Mirth, you join, 
 
 Profufe in Jokes, but more profufe in Wine; 
 
 i While 
 
Chap. VII. G r o b i a n u s. 73 
 
 While unattended, by themfelves, remain 
 The peevilh Old, a defpicable Train! 
 
 There let ’em choak with Thirft; no Liquors ipare, 
 Nor think ’em worth a fingle Moment’s Care : 
 Each quickly leaves th’ inhofpitable Dome, 
 
 Finds he’s defpis’d, and therefore marches Home, 
 
 More kindly treat the Bacchanalian Troop, 
 Who feldom to the Rules of Reafon ftoop 5 
 Nor need, from ferious Conduct quite exempt, 
 
 To curb their rav’nous Appetites attempt. 
 
 Why fhou’d fuch Men endeavour to be wife ? - 
 Let little Virtue, little Worth fuffice. 
 
 Not vex’d with Bus’nefs, nor to Books confin’d. 
 They banifh ev’ry Sorrow from the Mind; 
 
 Leave Wives and Children to the Care of Heav’n, 
 For rarely Sots to Avarice are giv’n; 
 
 Their only Aim an endlefs Scene of Mirth, 
 
 The loofeft, lewdefl, vaineft Things on Earth. 
 
 Thole 
 
74 
 
 Grobianus. 
 
 Book I. 
 
 Thofe drink good Wines, unheard-of Gambols 
 
 £play. 
 
 And wafte, by various Stratagems, the Day. 
 
 To thofe thy Cellar’s choiccft Stores prefent. 
 
 And give thy long-imprifon’d Liquor Vent. 
 
 Safely can thofe, (for daily thofe enure) 
 
 The mod: intoxicating Draughts endure. 
 
 By ev’ry Means the frantick Gucfts excite. 
 Inflame their Madnefs to the greateft Height ; 
 They gallop of themfelves, a Spur bellow. 
 
 To urge ’em faller where they wilh to go : 
 Produce thy Ne&ar, racy, rich, and old. 
 
 Soft to the Tafte, and Iparkling to behold. 
 
 By Wine fubdu’d, at length the Sots retire, 
 i heir Belly’s full, arid Reft their Bones require. 
 
 CHAR 
 
Grob ianus. 
 
 75 
 
 CHAP VIII. 
 
 How, after having Jupfd, each Comrade falls , 
 From civil Talk to Quarrelling and Brawls. 
 
 W 
 
 ‘HEN now the Glafs has brifkly mov’d 
 
 {about. 
 
 And as the Wine runs in, the Wit runs 
 
 [out; 
 
 Debates of vaft Variety arife. 
 
 Each to himfelf is eloquent and wife : 
 
 Strange Feats are done, and wond’rous to behold. 
 Which here, as exemplary Adis are told. 
 
 One counts th’ Achievements of his early Days, 
 
 In all the difPrent Kinds of childifb PlayS; 
 
 With what an Air his Hobby-horfe he rode. 
 
 Or, in more martial Guife, his wooden Steed beftrode. 
 
 This Quondam Youth relates his early Loves, 
 How foft his Chloe whilper’d thro’ the Groves , 
 
 i Where 
 
76 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Where he prevail’d he tells; and then, perhaps, 
 Follows along Detail of ill-cur’d Claps: 
 Comparing then the prefent with the pad:. 
 
 He grieves that ’tis too exquifite to lad:. 
 
 Another Lover, of a diff’rent Kind, 
 
 Complains, how, whilome, with mad Padion blind. 
 Thro’ Fires and Frofts, much Evil he fuftain’d; 
 Nor fear’d to feek her, when it fnow’d or rain’d': 
 Yet never did his haplefs fuit prevail, 
 
 Tho’ Pray’rs and Guineas did her Heart affail. 
 
 Nor wants, who fings his Midrefs’s Praifesloud, 
 And chants her Beauties to the drunken Crowd ; 
 The lovely Treafure of her flowing Hair, 
 
 With all that’s golden, he will drd: compare; 
 
 Then for her Eyes — they twinkle like the Stars, 
 The Eyes of Venus may be known by hers : 
 
 Her 
 
Chap. VIII, Grobianu s. 
 
 77 
 
 Her Mouth exadt, and lov’ly Round of Face, 
 
 Rofes and Lillies blended there furpafs. 
 
 But oh ! the Nedtar ! the enormous Blifs ! 
 
 When from the rofy Lips he fnatch’d a Kiis. 
 
 Then come the Fingers fmall, and Breafts fo round, 
 Not Thracian Snows more white befpread the 
 
 [Ground. 
 
 As fits the Seafon, all the reft difplay 
 Their various Talents, in their proper Way. 
 
 The Captain, foremoft of the Sons of Mars , 
 Retails his Battles, Wounds, and horrid Wars. 
 
 The Hunting ’Squire is for his Hounds at Strife, 
 And fwears he loves ’em better than his Wife. 
 
 The Hufbandman extols his golden Grain, 
 
 Or counts his num’rous Flocks that fill the Plain. 
 
 t 
 
 The 
 
7 8 
 
 Grgbianus. Book I. 
 
 The Sailor, to his Neighbour, half afleep. 
 Recounts the mighty Wonders of the Deep , 
 
 What Sights has feen, what Seas h’as travers’d o’er. 
 And been, where Mortal never went before. 
 
 Each of his own Affairs has much to fay, 
 
 And Matter new, which wins who hears to ftay. 
 
 His youthful Crimes another Sot difplays. 
 
 He calls ’em Frolicks, and expedts your Praife ; 
 
 Oft in the mingled Scene, I’ve chanc’d to fee 
 A rev’rend Vice, a grey Iniquity ; 
 
 Have heard him boafting, with a fhamelefs Brow, 
 Of ’Scapes from Gallows forty Years ago* 
 
 To form thy Manners are thefe Patterns fbrought, 
 It well befits that Youth by Age be taught; 
 
 As 
 
Chap. VIII. G R O B I A N U S. 
 
 79 
 
 As he learns bell who moll attentive hears, 
 
 Speak not thyfelf, but only lend thine Ears. 
 
 Now, when at length the Fumes of Wine invade 
 The facred Seats of Reafon in the Head ; 
 
 When captive Senfe no longer holds the Reign, 
 
 But tumbles headlong from its Throne the Brain; 
 Then high Difputes, on Things momentous, rife, 
 And all, in various Ways, are wondrous wife. 
 
 One holds, that human Souls for ever live, 
 Affirms, that thefe the earth-born Clay furvive; 
 
 But then, that when each Body yields to Fate, 
 
 The active Spirit Hill will tranfmigrate; 
 
 Will fhift the Scene, new Bodies to inform, 
 
 From Man to Bead:, from Beall to Man return. 
 
 For 
 
8o 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Doctrines, like thefe, with others will not pafs. 
 All are not Scholars of Pythagoras . 
 
 Some hold no Effence of the Soul alone. 
 
 As Heat fubfifts not when the Fire is gone : 
 
 And fome nor one, nor t’other will allow, 
 
 But lay, the Soul exifts, they know not how, 
 
 « ' t ••it 
 
 Of other Worlds fome wondrous Tales rehearfe, 
 And Men, whofe Afpedt the Beholder fcares; 
 
 Far to the Southern Pole, they oft have feen 
 With Dog’sHeads,Teeth,and Stomachs, mortal Men; 
 Their Hunger they with Chrijiians Flefh appeafe, 
 As we. North-pole-men do, with Bread and Cheefe, 
 
 Like a damn’d Lye all this to others fliews, 
 
 Who fwear that Nature can’t fuch Things produce; 
 
 Each 
 
Chap. VII. 
 
 Grobianus. 8 i 
 
 Each with his utmoft Force maintains the Field, 
 Urges his Proofs, and fcorns to fly or yield. 
 
 For Monarchs fome a furious War maintain. 
 And, with big Words, fight Battles o’er again ; 
 Extoll this Gen’ral’s Conduit to the Skies, 
 
 And others damn to Hell for Cowardice; 
 
 There are, who the Reverfe, point blank, defend. 
 And of their vain Context appears no End. 
 
 A few there are, like Forejight in the Play, 
 Who mark the lucky and unlucky Day. 
 
 Their Oppofites, of this impatient, hear, 
 
 And fwear all Days alike, throughout the Year. 
 
 Each prates away, of what he thinks he knows. 
 And none to know it but himfelf allows: 
 
 G 
 
 Hear 
 
82 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Hear now each Thejis fhot at as it flies. 
 
 And all the Thunder of the Bottle rife. 
 
 At length (perhaps) when Words are ipent in 
 
 [vain. 
 
 The drawn Toledo mufl the Point maintain 5 
 Moderns! this Way of reas’ning is your own, 
 
 An Art to Ariflotle never known. 
 
 Recoin your Logick j for in his, none fees 
 Or Time, or Rules, for Arguments like thefe. 
 
 Do thou, my Friend ! to aid both Sides prepare, 
 Each Side alternate, and prolong the War: 
 
 Forth fpringing in the Midft, and void of Fear, 
 Let all your Senfe, on e’ery Subject, hear : 
 
 Let all the Noife of all in yours be drown’d. 
 While from your Lungs burft forth Stent ore an Sound. 
 
 To each Antagonift, aloud, reply, 
 
 “ I am not to be bully’d, Sir! you lye.” 
 
 All 
 
Chap. IX. G r o BIANUS. 
 
 All will be mute, all turn about and flare, 
 
 Such Thunder needs the Difputants mufl fcare 
 Who, in their filent Thoughts, will high extol 
 Th ingenious Turn and Vigour of your Soul: 
 Thenceforwards famous, and of much Renown, 
 The Name of Humour your Attempt will crown. 
 
 But as in Safety you wou’d wifh to live. 
 
 Mind well your Man, to whom the Lye you give. 
 For all we meet won’t take it juft alike. 
 
 And fome the Giver are too apt to flrike. 
 
8 4 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 C II A P. IX. 
 
 InJlruBs our Pupil to difmifs his Friends , 
 
 And how to adl, when towards his Couch he tends j 
 Which , wi’.h the Epilogue , the Volume ends. 
 
 "ITF thole mad Frolicks wear your Patience out, 
 H All Means are right, you never need to doubt; 
 Since Honefty oppofes common Senfe, 
 
 Men mud: be Knaves, ’tis in their own Defenfe : 
 He hurts himfelf, that foolilhly denies, 
 
 Eafe to his Limbs, and Slumber to his Eyes. 
 
 * - ■ - V * - ' » b 
 
 Difmifs your Guefts : nor fcruple to invent 
 Such Flams as belt may anfwer that Intent. 
 Rules for this Purpofe have been giv’n before, 
 
 Nor need we now repeat ’em o’er and o’er: 
 
 When the late Time of Night, the Courfe of Hours, 
 And all your Frauds have loft their fev’ral Pow’rs, 
 Then chufe the harfheft Words, the Sots defert, 
 Nor mollify that rugged Word Depart. 
 
 Your 
 
Chap. IX. Grobianus. 85 
 
 Your Sire wou’d thus, if he with Honour might, 
 In him ’twere fhameful, but in you ’tis right. 
 
 Shou’d now each Sot begin to move away, 
 
 Set wide the Doors, preventing all Delay; 
 
 Set wide the Doors: fince of themfelves they ftart, 
 Inftrudt ’em in their Way with all your Heart. 
 
 And foon as ever, to your Sire or you 
 They’ve made a Shift to hammer an Adieu, 
 
 Then feek that dear Recefs, thy Bed, and fteep 
 Thy drowfy Temples in the Dew of Sleep. 
 
 Mean while, thy Parent, to fecure his Pelf, 
 
 By thee unaided, fliuts his Gates himfelf ; 
 
 Let him put out the Candles, quench the Fire, 
 
 And la ft to Bed (fo Cato bids) retire. 
 
 Or feize the Candle, ’tis difcreeter much. 
 
 When you intend your Journey to the Couch ; 
 
 G 3 
 
 Left 
 
86 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Left fome unlucky Stumble hurt your Shins, 
 (Grim Night innumerable Dangers brings) 
 
 More fafely, thro’ the Gloom, your Parent goes, 
 Who all the Houfe, from Top to Bottom, knows; 
 Let him alone and in the Dark undrefs him, 
 
 Nor with thy too officious Service prefs him. 
 
 • .*»'*• ,y -*vi • t \ si 
 
 ■ ' * • ■ ■ •’-V V; .;-. s V ‘ . 
 
 ■ , 1 • - • .. • r” \ 
 
 Let nought difturb thofe Hours of Slumber 
 
 [iweet. 
 
 That dance away, with Down upon their Feet ; 
 
 i 
 
 Regard, if thou art wife, thyfelf alone, 
 
 A filial or a focial Love difown. 
 
 Such Deeds (I grant) no honeft Fame attends. 
 
 But great Utility makes great Amends. 
 
 , ■» 
 
 Remove no GlafTes : leave ’em, to adorn 
 The Tables till the next enfuing Morn. 
 
 Supofe we move the GlafTes, wipe the Board, 
 
 Pray what Emolument will this afford ? 
 
 Leave 
 
$7 
 
 Chap. IX. Grobianus. 
 
 Leave fome Memorials of a Feaft, to trace 
 What Scenes of Gladnefs crown’d the happy Place. 
 Thus in Idea {hall the Banquet laft, 
 
 “ ’Tis fweet, to ruminate on Raptures paft. 
 
 Attentive hear what elfe I have to fay, 
 
 Calf all the Burden of Fatigue away ; 
 
 Avoid th’ Inclemency of Morning Air, 
 
 Let no Defedt of Sleep your addled Brains impair. 
 
 Nor wou’d I leave my Bed, till, twice or thrice, 
 Both Parents call aloud, “ ’tis Time to rife. 
 
 Mean while, a Servant takes away the Things, 
 And to its proper Place each Goblet brings. 
 
 Yet rife not e’re the Hour of Noon approach. 
 And Reft by Day has cur’d the Night’s Debauch : 
 
 ’ G 4 
 
 Whole 
 
88 
 
 Grobianus. Book I. 
 
 Wholefome Inftru&ions long ago we gave. 
 How, when you rife, ’tis fitting to behave j 
 All thofe Inftru&ions ev’ry where purfue. 
 
 Nor let me Rule by Rule again renew. 
 
 Many the Virtues of mull’d Wine explore, 
 
 I o brace their Fibres, and their Health reftore. 
 Ufe, if you like, the Cufiom — I’ll enfure, 
 
 A Hair of the fame Dog compleats the Cure. 
 
 What farther Precepts, did the Time permit, 
 To form the Sloven, cou’d our Mufe tranfmit ? 
 But Inftindt oft to ruftick Deeds impells, 
 
 Beyond whate’er the belt of Syftems tells. 
 
 Nay, did we more Particulars comprife. 
 
 Our Book would fwell to mofi: enormous Size: 
 By Nature brutilh, by Experience bad, 
 
 Yourfelf a proper Supplement may add j 
 
 For 
 
s 9 
 
 Chap. IX. Grobianus. 
 
 For fhou’d one Volume all fuch Adis contain, 
 
 The World would fcarce the mighty Work fuftain. 
 
 How then cou’d I the monflrous Likenefs paint, 
 Where ev’n the ftrongefl Colours prove but faint ? 
 When Folly broods o’er ev’ry earthly Thing, 
 
 And boafts more Vaffals than the greateft King. 
 
 Doubt you of this ? Be all the World furvey’d, 
 Each Party, Sex, Degree, Profedion, Trade: 
 
 In Sin Patricians and Plebeians join, 
 
 From fprightly Youth to feeble Ninty-nine. 
 
 The aged Sire, with bold unbludhing Face, 
 
 Does, by his Deeds, his filver Years difgrace; 
 
 Such vile Examples our young Men entice. 
 
 And plunge thofe Bubbles in the Gulph of Vice. 
 
 Ungracious 
 
 • aaual . Surve y this Kind hath been made by a late Author 
 
 in a Poem, entituled, Epidemical Madnefs. Printed (for 7. Brindlev\ 
 in the fame Year with this Book, 
 
90 
 
 Grobianus, Book I. 
 
 Ungracious Boys, in thefe flagitious Times, 
 Proceed, and glory in the fouled; Crimes : 
 
 None guides ’em to the real Source of Praife, 
 
 Nor turns ’em from the Error of their Ways. 
 Women and Men, grown deditute of Shame, 
 Retain of Honour nothing but the Name. 
 
 But Maids were Maids indeed,in Days of Yore, 
 When Virtue better Edimation bore ; 
 
 Ogling they never knew, few Words they chofe, 
 And chade Expreffions did the Mind difclofe. 
 
 Now Chadity has left the Female Heart, 
 
 They rowl their Eyes, with more than moded Art; 
 Their Looks are wanton, their Difcourfes lewd. 
 And ’tis the greated Scandal to be good. 
 
 Survey 
 
Chap. IX. G r o B I A N U S. 
 
 9 * 
 
 Survey the Great, in City, Town, or Court, 
 Who ’fquire or lord it o’er the meaner Sort ; 
 Shameful ill Manners will, alas! be found, 
 
 And Brutifhnefs which overleaps all Bound. 
 
 Unaw’d by Virtue, or in Words or Deeds, 
 
 No modeft Thought their headlong Will impedes ; 
 Ev’n thofe that hold the Reins of Government, 
 And what they’re bound in Duty to prevent. 
 
 To ducal Palaces your Footfteps guide, 
 
 The lofty Seats of Quality and Pride: 
 
 In all that Bulk of Buildings, if you can, 
 
 Show me one wife, one reafonable Man. 
 
 Here loathfome Drunkennefs each Room profanes. 
 And beftial Gluttony triumphant reigns; 
 
 While 
 
92 
 
 Grqbianus. Book I. 
 
 While Arrogance, that Cherifher of Ills, 
 
 Each rifing Virtue, e’re itblolfom, kills. 
 
 Since Stars and Garters lead the gaping Throng, 
 Like y ack-a-Lanthorns , they direct ’em wrong ; 
 We view thefe Errors with indignant Eyes, 
 
 But let at prefent thefe Complaints fuffice: 
 
 The Booby Tribe, with grave Digreffions vex’d. 
 Cries, Doctor! do not wander from from the Text, 
 
 End of the Firjl BooL 
 
SECOND BOOK 
 
 \ I 
 
 O F 
 
 GRO BIANUS. 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 - * 
 
 
 . ' - . ' T " \’ ,r .feif 
 
 •; r p liafT 
 
 n -'sl r‘y\l 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 .tr.U) :.M n.i .. . f 3; as: ;’&n 3/ h 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
[ 95 ] 
 
 GR0B1ANUS. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 When you're invited by a Friend to eat y 
 What Conduct's honourable and difcreet: 
 
 How td approach the Feajl with courtly Air , 
 
 And take PoJfeJJion of the highefl Chair. 
 
 ELL-taught, with due Simplicity, you’ve 
 
 [chear’d 
 
 Such Guefts as at your friendly Call 
 
 [appear’d i 
 
 Their Vihts now you purpofe to repay, •'j- 
 Then learn to do it in a decent Way. 
 
 Firft, afk, whoe’er the Invitation brings, 
 
 A thoufand Queftions of a thoufand Things: 
 
 What 
 
 f As the firft Book treats of our Behaviour at Home, fo does the 
 fecond Book inftrutt us, how to behave at the Houfes of our Friends 
 and Acquaintance ; when we purpofe to repay their Vifits, &c. 
 
 I 
 
G ROB I ANUS. Book II. 
 
 What Guefts he goes to ? And for what Intent 
 
 And why no better Meflenger was fent, 
 
 Whereby to you more Honour might be meant ? J 
 What Fleih, what Fowl, what Fifii his Mafter 
 
 [buys ? 
 
 To what Amount the whole Expences rife ? 
 
 What nice Ragout or Kickihaw is preparing, 
 That’s neither Fifh, nor Flefh, nor good red 
 
 [Herring ? 
 
 If for the licqu’rifh Appetite there are 
 Mangoes, Potargo, Champignons, Caviarre ? 
 What forts of Wine the Butler does impart ? 
 
 And if the Go efts may pocket the Defart ? 
 
 If for a Ball they form fome grand Defign ? 
 What earthly Goddeffes the Chorus join ? 
 
 Well: Since the Banquet and the Guells delight, 
 And your Mind whifpers ev’ry Thing is right. 
 
 All Queftions anfwer’d—then devoutly fwear. 
 You’ll, without Fail, in proper Time, be there. 
 But fhou’d you find invited to the Treat, 
 
 Any who juftly have incurr’d your Hate, 
 
 I do 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus. 97 
 
 I do not bid thee rafhly undertake; 
 
 , > 
 
 Some Companies ’tis fitting to forfake 5 
 Sit not a Gueft with Moralifts fevere, 
 
 Whofe rugged Aphorifms grate the Ear: 
 Command them to invite fuch Guefts alone, 
 
 Whofe Life and Manners tally with your own. 
 
 ■) 
 
 Bid them difpeople Air, Earth, Water too* 
 
 And facrifice to Gluttony and you. 
 
 And that thou mayfi: extreamly perfect be 
 In ev’ry Branch of Kitchin Alchymy, 
 
 Demand a Bill of Fare, the Glutton’s Book* 
 
 Fill’d with the entertaining Works of Cook : 
 Thence form your Judgment, thence your Notions 
 
 [bring. 
 
 And keep your Stomach for the niceft Thing. 
 
 The faithful Schedule publickly perufe j 
 
 * . 
 
 Part, prefent, and to come the Schedule lhews; 
 
 H If 
 
Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 98 
 
 If there a Mention ftiou’d be made of aught. 
 Which is not to the Table duly brought, 
 (Perchance your Hoft referves it for a Fiend, 
 
 He knows will come before the Banquet end) 
 Grow warm with Rage : ’Tis hardly worth your 
 
 [while. 
 
 To conquer or conceal prevailing Bile. 
 
 Let not your Hoft unpunilh’d add this Wrong, 
 Nor make thee fit expectant over-long ; 
 
 Sometime you’ve waited for the abfent Dilh, 
 
 But find ill-grounded and in vain your Wifti; 
 Exalt your Voice, lay ev’ry Scruple by. 
 
 And bid them with their Bill of Fare comply. 
 
 For not to thee this Difrefpe<ft alone. 
 
 But equally to all the Guefts is fhown; 
 
 Be thou the publick Orator unbid, 
 
 Such Evils, in the Name of all, forbid. 
 
 Supper and Wifdom lift aloud the Voice, 
 
 And bid their Vot’ries haften to rejoice : 
 
 Wait 
 
99 
 
 Chap. I. Grobianus. 
 
 Wait not for Guefts invited there befides, 
 
 You know your Way, nor dand in Need of 
 
 [Guides; 
 
 Neglect your Neighbour, and with prudent Hade, 
 fic thou the foremod, let who will he lad, 
 
 Tear ope’ the Portal, like a rudiing Wind, 
 (Leave, e’re you come; all Compliments behind) 
 Thence, to the reeking Kitchin, fwiftly guide 
 Your Steps; and for the inward Man provide. 
 There drive with Food keen Hunger to allay. 
 Hunger commands, and all Mankind obey. 
 
 Nor be the Brilk the fparkling Wine forgot, 
 
 Kill ev’ry tedious Hour with Pipe and Pot; 
 Well-liquor’d e’re the other Gueds are come, 
 Noify, ridiculous, and frolickfome : 
 
 A Sot’s Pretence to Fame the World allows, * 
 
 And Wreaths of deathlefs Ivy grace his Brows. 
 
 H 2 But 
 
 * Witnefs the feveral Bacchanalian Songs, In frequent and daily 
 Ufe } particularly a very famous one, beginning with Bacchus Jhall 
 now his Power refign, and ending with Who can drink fen times snort 
 than me ? 
 
IOO 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 But you’re alone, and Company require, 
 
 The Mufe befitting Conduct (hall infpire; 
 
 Then, with Stentorean Voice, a Song begin, 
 
 “ The Praife of Wine, or Elegy of Gin j 
 If this thro’ all the Street melodious found. 
 
 Your Company, long loft, fhall foon be found j 
 With greedy Ears they liften one and all. 
 
 And come to Supper at the timely Call: 
 
 With Speed they come, negle&ing all Affairs; 
 Grow gay with thee, and banifh houfehold Cares. 
 
 If flow, but fure Proceedings pleafe thee beft, 
 
 Be late, and put their Patience to the Teft : 
 They’ll fend a fecond Meflenger away. 
 
 With tc Sir ! my Mafter begs you’ll not delay ; 
 Promife in Words “ I’m coming by and by, 
 
 But give your Words and Promifes the Lye j 
 
 A 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus. ioi 
 
 At length prevail’d on, to the Feaft advance, 
 
 With graver Steps than Benchers when they dance : 
 Nor heed, tho’ Supper be deferr’d for you, 
 
 But keep this glorious Character in View, 
 
 “ Employ’d in Matters that concern the State, 
 
 “ You {hare in all the Councils of the Great. 
 
 * 
 
 They judge your Application moft intenfe. 
 With which you cannot pofhbly difpenfe ; 
 
 The Scullions now, in Diflies bright, beftow 
 Their Food : And bid the poinant Gravy flow : 
 Nor long each Difh in fair Array is plac’d. 
 
 Before the Dainties all begin to Tafte. 
 
 When you drop in, and fcarce can find a Seat, 
 While all the Guefts fo diligently eat. 
 
 Then reprimand, in Terms fevere, your Hoft; 
 And let him know, who ought to rule the Roil:: 
 Let him and all his Gueds partake your Ire, 
 Ev’n Job Indignities like thefe would fire. 
 
 h 3 
 
 Are 
 
102 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 <£ Are thefe my Honours? What, am I your 
 
 Fools ? 
 
 <c And was there none but me to ridicule ? 
 
 4 4 A hated Gueff, I’ll tarry here no more, 
 
 “ But mealure back the Steps I took before ; 
 
 44 Live by yourfelf for me”—then feem, as if 
 Returning homewards in a furious Tiff j 
 Your Hofl declares, he’s forry at his Heart, 
 
 And humbly ads the penitential Part. 
 
 When Eloquenc your Wrath has overcome. 
 Then offer in a Chair to fquat your Bum; 
 
 To do thee Homage, ev’ry Gueft fhall Hand, 
 
 And ev’ry Chair fhall be at thy Command. 
 
 Seize thou the higheff Place : ’Tis juflly due. 
 
 Or no Man would have quitted it for you: 
 
 If from his Seat no nimble Mortal fprings. 
 
 But all fit motionlefs, like fenfelefs Things j 
 While at the upper End a Place you fee. 
 
 Kept vacant for fome Man of Quality, 
 
 Take 
 
 / 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus. 103 
 
 Take this which for his Lordfhip is referv’d, 
 
 He, that comes firft, jfhall always firft be ferv’d ; 
 But who comes late, mud be content to meet 
 With bad Provifions and the meaneft Seat. 
 
 Acrofs the Table take a decent Stride, 
 
 If o'er the Seats your PafTage be deny’d ; 
 
 Bedawb the Table, Napkins, Plates with Dirt, 
 The Faults not yours, nor any Man is hurt; 
 
 In Floods of Claret all the Table drown, 
 
 Fling Dilhes, Glalfes, Pots, Decanters down ; 
 
 Or foil their Clothes in climbing o’er the Stools, 
 ’Tis one good Way of punifhing the Fools: 
 
 Why did they not make Way for mighty Thee, 
 And render to thy Seat a Paflage free ? 
 
 E’en let ’em bear with Patience this Difafter; 
 Their Malady deferves no other Plaifler. 
 
104 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 An ugly Cuftom many Men keep up, 
 
 (The Lord knows why) to wafh before they fup j 
 I’ve giv’n againft fuch Crimes a learned Charge, 
 And now relate my Reafons more at large; 
 Outrageous Cold is with the Heart at Strife, 
 
 And checks the kindly Principles of Life ; 
 
 The Heart her Streams thro’ fecret Windings fends 
 All o’er the Body to the Fingers Ends. 
 
 If in cold Water then you madly dip 
 
 v \ ' 
 
 Your Hand $ or only wet your Finger’s Tip, 
 
 Your Blood runs back, and wonders what it ails, 
 Like Jot'dans River in the holy Tales : 
 
 Our vital Heat fuch frequent Shocks deftroy, 
 
 And thus the Sexton boafts a full Employ. 
 
 Who often walhes, bids his Health depart, 
 
 Refigns to Cold the Fortrefs of his Heart: 
 
 ♦ , 
 
 With his own Hands pulls quick Definition down, 
 And covers wirh grey Hairs an empty Crown : 
 
 Sick- 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus ig^ 
 
 Sicknefs and Age will ev’ry Member feize. 
 
 And Life itfelf link under the Difeafe. 
 
 Tell all that think it ftrange, the Reafons why 
 You dare not with the prefent Times comply. 
 
 Yet, if you come before the Feaft begins, 
 
 And all refolve to purify their Skins, 
 
 While others wait, monopolize the Ew’r, 
 
 Thruft in your filthy Paws, and make ’em pure. 
 
 Is there a Senator or Noble’s Son ? 
 
 Twon’t pois’n him wafhing after you have done: 
 Pray, was not you invited with the reft ? 
 
 And welcome to my Landlord as the beft ? 
 
 Nor only wafh your Fingers, but your Face; 
 
 And rinfe your Teeth with Dignity and Grace: 
 Then, if fufficient Length of Time be fpent, 
 
 (The Water fully’d to your Soul’s Content) 
 
 Your filthy Leavings let the others ufe. 
 
 And fcour themfelves all over, if they chufe : 
 
 Mean 
 
106 Grobianus. Book If. 
 
 Mean while the highed Seat (an empty Throne) 
 
 By Abdication is become your own. 
 
 Now, call: around your circumfpedtive Eyes, 
 
 To view the Bread which on the Table lies ; 
 
 There is one Sort as brown as brown can be. 
 
 In Torkjhire fuch the Traveller may fee j 
 Here niced Rowls in lucid Order dand. 
 
 And rival Dulcinea 's fnowy Hand.-'j- 
 Provide the bed Materials for your Tufks, 
 
 Nor feed, like famifh’d Prodigals, on Hulks : 
 
 Of whited Cakes a decent Number deal, 
 
 (Safe in your Lap the grateful Theft conceal) 
 
 ’T hus, when they’re parcell’d out by Rules of Art, 
 And all the Gueds receive an equal Part, 
 
 The red, if Hunger be not fbon allay’d. 
 
 With coarfe black Bread their Appetites degrade ; 
 
 But 
 
 }• 7 his Dulcinea was the famous Don Quixote's Miftrcfs, and had 
 certainly the finelt Hand of any Woman alive* 
 
Chap. II. 
 
 Grobianus. ic 
 
 But you, lince thofe that hide can find, produce 
 Your Prize, and put it to the proper Ufe : 
 
 Such exemplary Conduct all obferve. 
 
 With Acclamations none but you deferve ; 
 Admire each Deed beyond Exprefilon rude, 
 Confefs thee with uncommon Craft endu’d, 
 
 By your Example glorioufly offend, 
 
 And rife to Faults true Criticks dare not mend. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Tells, while we eat , what Gejlure , Motion , Fajhion, 
 Are bejl , and jujlly claim your Obfervation. 
 
 B E you the firft, when Food appears, to ftrike 
 Your Talons in the Difhes, Harpy-like : 
 We’ve bid thee feize what fuits thy Fancy bed, 
 Such Counfels are engraven in the Bread: 
 
 Forbear we then more Precepts to rehearfe. 
 
 What need we quote the Chapter and the Verfe ? 
 
 Tho’ 
 
io8 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Tho’ all the Dirties on the Table plac’d. 
 
 With Juftice pleafe the Sight, the Smell, theTafte, 
 Find fome Pretences ftill to fneeryour Friend, 
 
 Nay more : His Banquet loudly difcommend ; 
 This is too fait, and quite burnt up that Meat, 
 And this too four, and that as much too fweet. 
 Thefe wife Remarks fo loud we’d have thee bawl, 
 They’ll reach the K-itchin, and be heard by all; 
 Thus in the Cook you raife fome Signs of Grace, 
 And add a deeper Purple to his Face y 
 Thus, for yourfelf, you fortunately get 
 The undifputed Attribute of Wit. 
 
 When not a Syllable is faid or fung, 
 
 But each his Pudding eats, and holds his Tongue, 
 Thou many Things that merit Laughter fpeak; 
 Let ratling Nonfenfe in full Vollies break: 
 
 The 
 
Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. 109 
 
 The Man, that hopes a general Repute, 
 
 Will never gain his Ends by fitting mute. 
 
 Devour your Meat, ne’er think you’ve half 
 
 [enough. 
 
 The Bus’nefs of a Banquet is to fiuff ; 
 
 Your Jaws beyond the Call of Nature glut, 
 
 And ftretch with Food your vaft unweildy 
 
 [Gut. 
 
 If Meat’s too hot, which to your Lips you guide, 
 
 And proves a burning Cauftick where apply’d ; 
 
 ) 
 
 Diflemble every Agony of Pain, 
 
 Left others at your Coft Experience gain: 
 
 For why fhould’ft thou the only Suff’rer be, 
 
 And ftand the only Mark of grinning Infamy ? 
 
 Some give Advice that, if your Mouth ftiou’d 
 
 [burn. 
 
 Forthwith its Grievance to the Difh return ; 
 
 But thefe are Oddities we dare not teach. 
 
 Such as a mafter Hand alone can reach. 
 
 Yet 
 
110 
 
 Grobianus. 
 
 feook it. 
 
 Yet left you feel a fecond Conflagration* 
 
 Thus artfully evade the dire Vexation, 
 
 With a ftrong Breath moftftrongly blow your Meat* 
 And thus attemperate its fcorching Heat: 
 
 A modeft Breeze but little will avails 
 What Virtues are there in a gentle Gale ? 
 
 Stretchj like fome aukward Trumpeter, each Cheeky 
 Who finds it hard to make his Trumpet fpeak. 
 
 Then-the collected Blaft impetuous pour* 
 
 To cool your Porridge let a Tempeft roar; 
 
 Loud as th’ Molian Bluft’rer’s dreadful Breath* 
 
 Or iEtna , belching Sulphur, Flames, and Death. 
 
 O! how you’d pleafe the Cockles of my Heart* 
 If tow’rd your Neighbour you your Front convert * 
 If to his Face the fcalding Soop he finds 
 Come flying on the Wings of mighty Winds, 
 The Fadt’s applauded by the Standers-by, 
 
 Who all Encore unanimoufly cry* 
 
 2 
 
 A fa- 
 
Chap. II. G ROBIANUS. 
 
 i 11 
 
 A fav’rite Whelp demands a Share of Praife, 
 (Love me and love my Dog the Proverb fays) 
 When therefore thou’rt invited to a Feaft, 
 
 Befure to carry your Companion-bead:; 
 
 There let him fit befide thee, Cheek by Jole, 
 With thee of ev’ry Nicety take Toll: 
 
 Who fhall difpl ace him or invade his Prog ? 
 
 None, while he has a Patron .—happy Dog ! 
 
 Truce with your Teeth a while: for Harlequin f 
 Will now delight you with a pleafant Scene ; 
 
 He, with his Tongue, fhall lick your dainty Lip, 
 And from your greafie Palms the Nedar fip, ( 
 Which Palms anon in other Difhes dip. J 
 
 His Fleas to catch exert your utmoft Ken, 
 
 For Fleas are hated both by Dogs and Men 3 
 
 Thefe 
 
 + A f Name. A fourfooted Italian (Our Puppy’s Namefake) 
 at purchaied a glorious and immortal Memoiry ; by difcovering a 
 
 horrid, barbarous, and bloody Plot againft the G -/ See the Bp. of 
 
 Rocbejler 's printed Trial. r 
 
* * 
 
 1 i 2 G ROBIANUS. Book II. 
 
 Thefe Monfters prefs’d to Death upon your Plate, 
 Shall feel the juft tho’ rigid Hand of FatCi 
 
 Diftend your Cheeks with Carnage manifold. 
 
 As much as ever at a Time they’ll hold, 
 
 With Blubber Cheeks the Swains attune their Reeds 
 And rural. Mufick warbles thro’ the Meads. 
 
 To leave a Slice untouch’d i$ not polite, 
 
 ’Twas giv’n to eat if I conjedure right; 
 
 Better you burft your Bowels with Excefs, 
 
 Than leave the fmalleft Morfel in a l^lefs. 
 
 Perhaps your Tongue grows dry, and tho’ youv’e 
 
 [chew’d. 
 
 You to your Stomach can’t tra'nfmit your Food: 
 
 Its Paffage to the Belly foon promote, 
 
 WithDrink; andwafti the Vid’als down your throat C 
 Your Mouth is full, but let its Cargoe float. > J 
 
 2 When- 
 
Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. i x 5 
 
 Whene er you drink, with Crumbs the Pitcher 
 From little Crumbs proceeds but little Ill ; [MI ' 
 Tho’ Criticks cavil, Meat with Drink confound, 
 
 From both together our Support is found : 
 
 Then let the Laws of Nature be obey’d. 
 
 Since each alternate alks the other’s Aid. 
 
 With Bones and Fragments, all that you perceive 
 Unworthy thee to eat, or them to give, 
 
 Beneath the Table to the Puppies caft. 
 
 No Creatures living can for ever fad : 
 
 But Dogs in Quiet neither fup nor dine, 
 
 And fcorn all Statutes human and divine. 
 
 Cafar and Pompey fcramble for a Bone, -f* 
 
 And each is difcontented with his own. 
 
 I This 
 
 f There was a remarkable Enmity between two eminent Romans, 
 to whom thefe Names originally appertain : Tho’ now they are ap¬ 
 plied to Brute Animals. 
 
Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 ji 4 
 
 This Skirmifh is a moft engaging Sight, 
 
 And tho’ your Comrades by the Legs they bite, r 
 ’Tis among Whelps no mighty Overfight. 
 
 Laugh thou, while all bewail their martyr’d Toes, 
 By Means of thee the Perfecution rofe. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 What ConduB , after the firft Courfe retires , 
 
 The Obfervation of each Gueft requires. 
 
 IT N the firft Fight thy Valour’s try’d and known, 
 A Now (as we’ve faid already) loofe thy Zone : 
 Down to its Refervoir the Meat’s convey’d. 
 
 And due Digeftion is the better made. 
 
 Thy Belly thus from cruel Bonds reliev’d, 
 
 New Difhes are with greater Eafe receiv’d. 
 
 See now, the Stripling, with his Voider, waits 
 To bear away the greafy Load of Plates j 
 Of Cuftom immemorial fuch the Force, 
 
 And fuch the Honours of a fecond Courfe : 
 
 Caft 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. 
 
 11 5 
 
 Caft thou, while all the reft are at a Stand, 
 
 Thy Trencher from thee with a nimble Hand. 
 
 We readily account why this is right, 
 
 The Reafon hear, nor think that Pveafon light : 
 
 For if his Lordfhip, or (what’s more) his Grace, 
 Their Plates depofit in the foremoft Place, 
 
 With thine their Difhes then will cover’d be. 
 
 Vile Worm — O Madnefs ! Pride ! Impiety ! 
 
 Canft thou be ign’rant what the Vulgar feel. 
 Spurn’d by the purple Tyrant’s lordly Heel ? 
 
 If not, a proper Meeknefs learn to fhow. 
 
 And firft thy Platter in the Voider throw* 
 
 Nor meddle with your Neighbours dirty Plate, 
 But let him, if he pleafes, ftink in State : 
 
 He his own Difh, whenever he thinks fit, 
 
 May to the Oder Vehicle commit. 
 
 I 2 
 
 Frefh 
 
Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 116 
 
 Frefh Plates are brought j with all the Speed of 
 
 [Man, 
 
 On this Occafion alfo lead the Van. 
 
 In cafe the fir ft is not bellow’d on you, 
 
 With Arm extended vindicate your Due. 
 
 Some think much Homage Womankind deferve, 
 And Matrons firfl and blooming Virgins ferve ; 
 This let it be thy Bus’nefs to negledt, 
 
 Unlefs you mean your Credit fhould be crack’d. 
 You know Men’s Manners at this Time of Day, 
 Then make your prefent Market as you may. 
 Deeds are mifdeem’d, tho’ done with good Intent, 
 And ill is taken what was never meant. 
 
 If thefe invidious Honours fhould be paid 
 To any noble Bride, or tender Maid, 
 
 Some fullen Mortal enters his Proteft, 
 
 For Poifon grows in ev’ry human Bread: j 
 
 Each 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. \ ij 
 
 Each hoftile Hufband’s Dudgeon now grows high, 
 Such Commentators wear an Eagle’s Eye, 
 
 Can draw Conclufions from a Smile or Glance, 
 
 And conftrue into Love mere Complaifance. 
 
 Avoid the Fury of a jealous Brute, 
 
 Who thinks you mean to tafte his golden Fruit; 
 Frefh Ills unjuft Sufpicions ever brewing, 
 
 And brings the Innocent to Death and Ruin : 
 
 Show then, as you regard your Limbs and Life, 
 You’ve no Defigns upon your Neighbour’s Wife. 
 
 When now the Plates have for a Time withdrew, 
 But the firft Courfe has not brought forth a-new ; 
 No Refpite let your Teeth or Belly find, 
 
 Unlefs you’re cramm’d according to your Mind ; 
 On the fame Food redouble your Attacks, 
 
 In which your Teeth have left the plaineft Tracks. 
 
 . I 3 Foul 
 
*1 8 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Foul the clean Plates, while all the reft delay. 
 
 And when none elfe is feeding, eat away. 
 
 i\o Modefty at Table fhould be fhown, 
 
 This all but Fools muft know, but Knaves muft own, 
 
 ^1 he fecond Courfe is to the Table brought, 
 
 1 o thru ft your Fingers in, be quick as Thought : 
 
 Firft with the Damafk wipe your Platter nice, 
 
 However fine, and of whatever Price. 
 
 3 Tis for this End a Table-cloth is laid, 
 
 To wipe what Sullage on the Plates is made j 
 
 To cleanfe your trav’ling Hands, which touch’d at 
 _ . t [Greafe,f 
 
 And Phiz outfhining yajons Golden Fleece : 
 
 This faid but once, at all times hold it good. 
 
 Till cruel Hunger’s thoroughly fubdu’d. 
 
 If 
 
 + fins alludes to a famous Dialogue between two Punilers, which 
 follows, thus; 
 
 A. (obferving his Comrade have a Spot upon hit Coat) Sir, you 
 have been a great Traveller, I fee; you have touch’d at Greaft. 
 B. That Joke is far fetch’d. A . No, Sir ! I have it upon the Spot. 
 
Chap. III. G r O B I A N U S. 
 
 1 *9 
 
 If thou’rt a Leader and of fome Regard, 
 
 (Like Pam at Lue, or other pictur’d Card) 
 
 If all the reft expectant wait for thee. 
 
 Till fir ft your Fingers in the Difh they fee ; 
 
 Make long Delays before you tafte or touch, 
 
 Your Eftimation this enhances much; 
 
 Strange Levity that great One’s Conduct brands, 
 Who ufes with Activity his Hands: 
 
 More fafely meaner Men might touch and tafte, 
 But thou in a fuperior Orb art plac’d j 
 Nor till entreated, begg’d, befeech’d, implor’d, 
 Should’ft crop the Dainties that adorn the Board. 
 
 The Time to wafte, and raife a Laugh, I’d wag 
 My noify Tongue, or teach my Dog to beg j 
 Play with my Fork, my Platter, or my Knife, 
 And kill the tedious Hours that burthen Life. 
 
 I 4 
 
 While 
 
T 20 
 
 Grobianus. Book II, 
 
 While each to touch the Fead for thee delays, 
 And yields his proper Homage of Amaze. 
 
 Beneath that Prominence my Chin, I’d place 
 Both Hands for Buttrefles: Tis no Difgrace ; 
 Now on one Elbow, now on t’other lean, 
 
 The Deed’s not fhameful, dnful, nor obfcene. 
 
 If to approve of this you can’t be brought. 
 
 Then hide ’em in your Bofom, as you ought; 
 Thou may’ll:, at Pleafure, pluck them from thy Lap, 
 
 To feed thyfelf, or give thy Foes a Rap. 
 
 .,1 
 
 When to attack the Fead you’ll not difdain, 
 Hunt thro’ an Oglio for a Widgeon’s Brain : 
 
 Of roaded Veal the Kidney’s bed: of all, 
 
 Your Stomach thefe I cannot think will pall; 
 
 For Fifh, the Tail we chufe of Plaife or Sole, 
 
 But of a Salmon mod admire the Jole. 
 
 Thou’rt 
 
i 2 I 
 
 Chap. III. G ROBIANUS. 
 
 Thou’rt the firftMan, ’tis thine the firfl to fnatch, 
 And on your Plate depolit what you catch j 
 Alone retain, and gormandize alone, 
 
 Preferring, to your Neighbour’s Gut, your own. 
 
 You fear fome Foil, perchance your Knife is 
 
 [blunt. 
 
 And can’t perform the Duties it were wont; 
 
 But I’ve feen many Perfons, for the Nonce, 
 
 To daffi and dull their Knives againft the Stones, 
 Till Teeth were made and Knotches like a Saw ; 
 From which ffirewd Stratagem this Ufe they draw, 
 When on the Table fmoaks a roafted Goofe, 
 
 With Skin imbrown’d, and fat, and full of Juice, 
 Whene’er they haggle, ftore of Skin they gain. 
 Which moft good People covet to attain : 
 
 By law-like Knives fuch Offices are wrought. 
 Which plead their Pardon, if they adt a Fault. 
 
 i 
 
 And 
 
I 22 
 
 G R O B I A N U S. Book II. 
 
 And, that your Stomach may the Victuals grind, 
 Don’t let your Jug the lead; CefTation find; 
 Another holds it with Intent to drink. 
 
 Yet alk ; he’ll fcarce refufe it you, I think: 
 
 If he denies, and means to drink it up, 
 
 Then fnatch away (tho’ at his Lips) the Cup. 
 When once you’ve got it, once for all polfefs. 
 
 For none your Wants, fo well as you, can guefs. 
 Then, tho’ the red: (athirft) the Cup require. 
 
 To fatisfy their vehement Delire, 
 
 Dip thou thy Beak : Be deaf to all their Pray’rs, 
 
 As Winds and Seas to finking Mariners. 
 
 Be loud tho’ little ; dll the Houfe with Noile, 
 
 For Tipplers mod; an end are roaring Boys. 
 
 Let no Man fpeak, while your loud Clamour tears 
 Down all the foft Portcullis’s of Ears. 
 
 Let all the Tipple, all the Talk be thine. 
 
 And claim a Patent, both for Words and Wine. 
 
 Wipe 
 
Chap. III. G ROB1ANUS. 
 
 1 2 3 
 
 Wipe not before you drink : Such final! Affairs 
 Are much beneath the mighty Toper’s Cares: 
 
 To nobler Deeds let ev’ry Thought arife, 
 
 For why lhould Falcons hoop to prey on Flies ? 
 
 In Company with Food, your Snot cefcends, 
 
 ’Tis fpiteful to divide fuch loving Friends j 
 For thro’ the Throat and Stomach pafs (God wot) 
 Fat, Lean, Bread, Butter, Cheefe, Wine, Beer, 
 
 [and Snot. 
 
 Yet wouldff thou wipe thy Mouth, or blow thy 
 
 . [Nofe, 
 
 The Napkin ferves for Offices like thofe; 
 
 There from your Brain the Excrements difcharge. 
 And there the Fatnefs of your Lips abfferge. 
 
 Some Men their Shirts pull down, well pleas’d to 
 
 . [leave 
 
 Th’ aforefaid goodly Badges on the Slesve : 
 
 If thefe Examples give thee mickle Glee, 
 
 Then follow them, without Reproof from me. 
 
 When 
 
124 
 
 Grobianus, Book II. 
 
 When you of Beer have ta’en your utmoft Fill* 
 
 * 
 
 Hand it unafk’d, and bid your Neighbour fwill: 
 The Pitcher elle will barricade your Way, 
 
 Nor give your Knife and Fork fufHcient Play. 
 
 The captive Noggin is with Eafe brought back, 
 
 To wet your Jaws and Gullet when they lack, 
 
 i 
 
 Perchance your Neighbour proves a Sharper too. 
 And, weary of the Pitcher, gives it you : 
 
 Tell him, with Air jocofe. I’m not adry. 
 
 And very gently put the Pitcher by. 
 
 Or rather, let the Reins of Anger loofe. 
 
 And be not overfparing of Abufe. 
 
 Why didft unafk’d to me the Veftel hand? 
 
 Before thyfelf why didft not let it ftand ? 
 
 Doft think it wou’d be grateful, faucy Groom ? 
 Thus to abridge me of my Elbow Room ? 
 
 Wit 
 
 1 
 
Chap. III. GrobiAnus. 125 
 
 With fuch reproachful Language fpoil their Sport, 
 And none fhall ever treat you in this Sort: 
 
 But drink howe’er, altho’ you find fuch Fault, 
 
 To drink is decent, is the Thing you ought j 
 Then temperate your Food with many a Draught. 
 
 Urge all to drink, and reprimand the Slow, 
 
 Urge on : Till none can either ftand or go. 
 
 Not Founder, yet Confounder of the Feaft, 
 
 Be firfi: a Drunkard, and be moft a Bead:; 
 
 If to your Share fome Errors then fhould fall. 
 
 Say your’e damn’d drunk, and we forget ’em all. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
126 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 What Methods , both in Eating and in Drinking , 
 
 Suit beji our Author s modejl Way of Thinkfng. 
 
 A Stingy Patron feeks his private Ends, 
 
 And lays this hard Reftraint upon his 
 
 [Friends, 
 
 “ Each brings a Jug with fparkling Juice replete, 
 
 “ The Guefts find Liquor, and the Landlord Meat: 
 One buys the fprightly Ne£tar of* the Vine, 
 Which border’d on the Danube , or the Rhine j 
 Another does with Punch his Noggin fill, 
 
 Sold by Authority on Ludgate-hilL 
 
 You ask my Judgment on fuch Ways and Means, 
 I’ll tell ye whereabouts my Judgment leans. 
 
 Such Practices, in Quality of Gueft, 
 
 I, from the Bottom of my Soul, deteft. 
 
 Let all my Friends infill: upon a Treat, 
 
 And, where they vifit, drink as well as eat. 
 
 If, 
 
Chap. IV. G r o b I A N U S. 127 
 
 If mad with Honour, you refolve to clubb, 
 Provide vile Barabar , or double Bubb : 
 
 But peep in all the Pitchers of the reft. 
 
 And tope whatever you adjudge the beft. 
 
 Behind your Back a brimming Bowl fecrete 
 To drink alone: for Solitude is fweet. 
 
 Perhaps the Jug may not come round again, 
 
 And Want of Liquor is a mortal Sin. 
 
 Be chearfuller than they, by more than half; 
 
 Ufe many Frolicks meriting a Laugh. 
 
 And ling the Progrefs of your own Amours, 
 
 From Beggars to right honourable Whores. 
 
 Four Tempers are there, fay the Sons of Art£, 
 Each gives peculiar Motions to the Heart. 
 
 Your 
 
 t See Rinjeriuj, or any other Syftematical Author. Vogel in the Pre¬ 
 race in.his liiftory of the Cape of Good Hope , (printed for Innys and Man- 
 v)» gives us a very accurate Description, of the different Effects thefe 
 
 Icmpera* 
 
Gr OB I A N U Si 
 
 Book II. 
 
 j 28 
 
 Your Melancholy Men are fallen, grave, 
 
 And timorous: Bile makes its Owners rave : 
 
 The Phlegmatick (God knows) are little worth: 
 Your Sanguine Gentlemen abound with Mirth, 
 
 To fhow that you are of the Sanguine Clafs, 
 
 Exalt your Voice, melodious as an Afs: 
 
 (Women and Wine Ihould all your Talk employ) 
 Indulge each gay Delire, and give a Loofe to Joy. 
 
 From him that drinks to you, believe ’tis right. 
 To faatch away the Mug with all your Might: 
 
 Nor wait, till he to you the Pitcher thruft, 
 
 Altho’ he willies to appeafe his Third:. 
 
 To fpoil his Toping, complaifantly fay, 
 
 He doubly gives, who gives without Delay. 
 
 Three 
 
 Temperaments have upon Men, in the Way of Writing ; and concludes 
 with this Remark, that Phlegmatick People are the fitteft People in 
 the World for Hiltorians, which Opinion Mr. Oldmixon hath confuted 
 by giving us in his own Perfon, a Demonftration of the contrary. 
 
Chap. I Grobianus.' 129 
 
 Three Rules infue, well worthy thee to keep. 
 When to remove the Noggin from thy Lip; 
 
 Firft, when you draw your Breath exceeding Ihort, 
 There feems an abfolute Occalion for’t: 
 
 Unlefs (by which great Glory you’ll acquire) 
 
 You chufe, within the Veffel, to refpire $ 
 
 Next, when the Liquor gulhes from your Eyes, 
 
 A little longer Relpite we advife; 
 
 Then cunning Shavers, for a Time, give o’er. 
 Which none but Boobies ever do before: 
 
 Another Rule, the belt of all, receive. 
 
 It will not, cannot polfibly deceive. 
 
 When all’s exhaufted, totally withdraw 
 The tantalizing Noggin from thy Jaw : 
 
 An empty Mug of no great Ufe we hold, 
 
 Tho’ made by Jernegan of Spanijh Gold. 
 
 When the fweet Wine, too exquifite to laft, 
 
 Is out, the Goblet on the Table call, 
 
 K 
 
 At 
 
130 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 At Sight thereof, your Friends, for very Shame, 
 Will emulate their Pot-companions’ Fame ; 
 
 Befides this Method cancels all Difputes, 
 
 And plucks up drowned Honour by the Roots; 
 None will believe that thou haft took thy Dues, 
 Till each th’ inverted empty Goblet views. 
 
 Ravage the Difh, as you before was wont, 
 
 And fnatch whatever is moft elegant; 
 
 Ceres and Bacchus are alike divine, 
 
 One gives us Food, the other gives us Wine; 
 
 Since both alternate Nutriment afford, 
 
 The Goddefs with the God ftiou’d be ador’d. 
 
 Nor fhred your Vidt’als finer than you need: 
 
 No Goofe nor Turkey, but yourfelf you feed. 
 Large Gobbets choak the tender Fowls, but her® 
 The fturdy Glutton has no Caufe to fear. 
 
 Don’t trifle (like a Chicken-hearted Slave)J 
 Blels’d with a Swallow, valiantly behave. 
 
 While 
 
Chap. IV. G r o b i a n u s. 131 
 
 While all the Deities look down and fee, 
 
 What Lumps of Pudding are devour’d by thee. 
 
 . . • r 
 
 When you, with houfhold Fare, wou’d fluff your 
 
 [Gut, 
 
 O! cut not where the Family have cut; 
 
 Farthefl from them is befl; with Freedom feize, 
 Parts unattempted yet in Bread or Cheefe. 
 
 Cut from the Loaf a large unwieldy Luncheon : 
 (Trojans their Tables ate, eat thou thy Truncheon) 
 Dip it in Soop, to fill up eV’ry Chink, 
 
 A commendable Method this we think. 
 
 Devour it with an overgreedy Hafle 5 
 For Sops are not ungrateful to the Tafle. 
 
 When you have knaw’d it round, make no Delays 
 But dip it in again : Such ruflick Ways, 
 
 Are not of little Ufe, nor little Praife, 
 
 Whene’er thy Mouth is full, be not afraid 
 To fpeak : I nor forbid thee nor diffwade D 
 
 ■r\ 
 
 K 2 
 
 Learn, 
 
132 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Learn, by a Pattern, that the frequent Ufe 
 Thereof will great Advantages produce. 
 
 Demojlheness Fame who does not know ? 
 
 To him th’ Athenian States their Glories owe. 
 Tongue-tied at firft, incapable to bawl 
 For Clients in the loud litigious Hall; 
 
 He did his Thoughts to various Arts apply, 
 
 In Hopes to fet his Tongue at Liberty. 
 
 At laif, he wifely to the Beach reforts, 
 
 Which of the raging Sea the Madnefs thwarts; 
 Small Pebbles in his Mouth he roll’d around, 
 
 From whence a double Benefit was found 5 
 A War fuccefsfully the Pebbles wag’d, 
 
 And his beft Part from Bondage difengag’d: 
 Befides, he learns, from the refounding Shore, 
 Where the Winds whiffle and the Surges roar, 
 
 (Of Murmurs, Noife, and Clamour, well aware,) 
 The Noife and Murmur of the Mob to bear. 
 
 Thou 
 
 9 
 
Chap. IV. Grobianus. 
 
 *33 
 
 Thou my Difciple fha’ not be fo weak, 
 
 With Vidals, not with Pebbles learn to fpeak ; 
 Out-noiling ev’ry drunken Sot, as he 
 Out -nois’d the Clangor of the raging Sea. 
 
 v j. i \ 
 
 When Dinner’s done, the Company deride 5 
 Be thou for ever on the laughing Side : 
 
 Mock all whofe Condud does from thine dident, 
 But mod; befpatter the mod: Innocent. 
 
 “ Judicious Wits fpread wide the Ridicule, 
 
 “ And charitably comfort Knave and Fool. 
 
 Whos’ever Knife upon the Table lies. 
 
 With its Edge upward, pointing to the Skies, 
 Give it as many Gaps, as heretofore 
 Bedeck’d the Blade which mighty Falftaff wore. 
 Some Men, by Knotches in a Knife, prefume 
 To count the Multitude of Miles to Rome 
 
134 
 
 Grobi.anus. Book II, 
 
 We difcommend it not; adt thou the fame. 
 
 Nor leave untrod a Path which leads to Fame, 
 
 Deal thus with all the World excepting me ; 
 
 For thou and I may chance to difagree: 
 
 My Cudgel, then, fhall gratefully repay 
 Thofe Obligations, in a proper Way. 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Of Greedinefs at 'Table and of Spuing * 
 
 Of Laughter , a?id of other civil Doing, 
 
 A Thoufand Things occur, by which you can 
 At Supper fhow yourfelf a clownilh Man : 
 Show, that you (hating to become fevere) 
 
 To mufty Morals never lent an Ear. 
 
 Cou’d I, like Virgil , in immortal Lays, 
 
 ; 
 
 T he God-like Adts of Kings and Heroes praife, 
 The Mule, not even then, wou’d undertake 
 Each Mhlehaviour to commemorate. 
 
 A 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 135 
 
 A little fhall fuffice, tho’ gladly we 
 
 Our own Out-doings find out-done by thee j 
 
 Attend a while (perhaps you’ll not repent) 
 
 The Time, tho’ fhort, will gainfully be fpent; 
 Attend the rather, fince the Time is fhort j 
 To me for Wifdom one and all refort. 
 
 The brimming Bowls on Purpofe overfet: 
 
 Let all Things with a purple Show’r be wet: 
 
 Time out of Mind the Cuftom hath been fo, 
 
 And Precedents can never err, we know. 
 
 Oft have I feen, when Liquor made ’em gay, 
 Young Men, their mirthful Talents to difplay. 
 Take up vaft Handfuls both of Meat and Bread, 
 And throw the fame at each Companion’s Head. 
 With Pranks like thefe they pafs away their Prime, 
 And thus deflroy that All-deftroyer Time. 
 
 K 4 
 
 Old 
 
i 3 6 G R O B I A N U S. Book II. 
 
 Old Men are much at one, tho’ Time hath fpread 
 Its grey Experience o’er the hoary Head ; 
 
 How then mud: Boys behave, when Deeds like 
 
 [thefe 
 
 Their Sires, their Grandfires, and their Tutors pleafe ? 
 Such venerable Fools we don’t dired. 
 
 Such, of their own Accord, know how to ad: 
 We, only to the junior Sots, profefs 
 To teach what’s milbecoming, more or lefs. 
 
 Two Crufts are to be met with in a Loaf, 
 
 Who knows it not muft be an errant Oaf ; 
 
 Clean, crifp, and pleafant is the upper Cruft, 
 
 The under full of Alhes, brown, a-duft. 
 
 Regard what I dired, for then, my Son ! 
 
 Thou’lt prove as wife a Man as Solomon. 
 
 Take thou the better Part, from Cinders free, 
 Thefe are imperial Crufts, and worthy thee. 
 Thefe ftop a Flux, they corrugate the Guts, 
 
 And Fluids thicken when the Colon fhuts, 
 
 If 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 *37 
 
 If Modefty (in which thy Care is fuch 
 As to obferve the Rule of not too much) 
 
 Should thy outrageous Whittle now reftrain. 
 
 And make thee cut the Loaf as Laws ordain: 
 
 I’ll not withstand it: But, to me belong- 
 The Boundaries of Right as well as Wrong. 
 Attentive mark the Proverbs we rehearfe, 
 
 (No Guide to Glory like didadhck Verfe) 
 
 “ Cut fair, eat Allies (and depend upon’t) 
 
 “ The more is in thy Bread the more is on’t. 
 
 “ Foul Puddings hungry Dogs will fatisfy, 
 f< A Peck of Dirt is eaten e’re we die. 
 
 But if you fear your Teeth fhould fuffer Wrong, 
 Or that the Grits fhould not delight your Tongue, 
 Pare off a Cruft, thick as a Party-wall, 
 
 And let it to the Dogs, for Supper, fall: 
 
 Or draw your Knife, to give the Loaf a Thump ; 
 Let all around the little Fragments jump. 
 
 Whiff 
 
138 Grobianus. Book If. 
 
 Whifk thou the Fragments in thy Neighbour’s 
 
 [Eyes, 
 
 Who, fmother’d in a dufty Whirlwind, cries. 
 
 In a Defert, fine J'ordan Almonds pleafe. 
 
 And Sugar, Tweeter than the Works of Bees; 
 Here , melted Butter oils the Difhes Brim, 
 
 There , Raifins of the Sun in Plenty fwim. 
 
 Prefs’d by the horny Feet of Peafant Hinds: -» 
 
 Of Citron here you’ll fee the candy’d Rinds, 
 
 And various Condiments of fundry Kinds. ^ 
 With thefe the Surface of fweet Soop is grac’d, 
 Deledlable, both to behold and tafte! 
 
 When thefe I Ipy, my Mother bad me fifh 
 For ev’ry Nicety in ev’ry Difh. 
 
 I, conftantly regarding her Advice, 
 
 Have fafely guttled whatfoe’er is nice. 
 
 If with your Meat you fwallow down a Bone, 
 You’ll foon the fatal Conlequence bemoan; 
 
 ’Twill 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 139 
 
 ’Twill launch the Gums and let the Grinders out, 
 Or elfe obftrud the Paflage of the Throat. 
 
 You’ll, peradventure, lofe your precious Life, 
 
 And leave a wretched Family and Wife: 
 
 To remedy this Ill, ftretch wide your Jaws, 
 
 And quickly, with your Fingers, move the Caufe. 
 Hold o’er your Plate your Head, where gently drops 
 The Splinter from your mifcreated Chops. 
 
 Let others criticize: Since Need fays Yes, 
 
 All ufelefs Modefty is much amifs: 
 
 Then do not rifque thy Safety, to obtain 
 The windy Satisfaction of the Brain. 
 
 Soon as you’re thoroughly refrefh’d with Food, 
 Seize the full Tankard in a merry Mood : 
 
 Open the Lid to let the Fumes exhale. 
 
 The Fumes of Porter, Stout, or Home-brew’d 
 
 [Ale, 
 
 Might o’er the tender Brain too far prevail. 
 
 Preach 
 
140 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Preach in your Beer j by prating in the Pot, 
 
 No Harm, but great Advantage will be got. 
 
 The Tankard all the Company forfake. 
 
 And none the Enterprize with thee partake, 
 
 Maintain a Drunkard’s Dignity and Eafe, 
 
 Drink by yourfelf whate’er you think will pleale : 
 Shew with a chearful Brow your Merriment, 
 And give the Secrets of your Soul a Vent: 
 
 You can’t, in the wide World’s Revenue find 
 A Treafure equal to a chearful Mind. 
 
 Laugh on, at the fame time you drink or eat, 
 And in abundance fputter out your Meat ; 
 
 ’Tis wifer Work to fputter in the Plate, 
 
 Than flop your Wind-pipe, and contract your Date. 
 No l'urer Means than that of fudden Death, 
 
 For when we die, we die for Want of Breath. 
 
 The 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 141 
 
 The reft have iupp’d: th’important Hour is near. 
 When "John the Footman {hould the Tables clear; 
 Your Hunger bites, efteem it not a Crime, 
 
 With Expedition to redeem the Time : 
 
 Swallow down Meat and Liquor while you may j 
 You may’nt have wherewithal another Day. 
 
 Till drunken, drink; till furfeited, cram on, 
 
 Reft not before, nor let your Meals be done. 
 
 Tho’ frequent Hiccups iftiie from your Throat, 
 Of Vomiting, a fure prefaging Note, 
 
 Let not the Novelty of this furprife. 
 
 Or trouble thee: make thou thy Comrades rife : 
 Go out a-while, and let the naufeous Load 
 On Wings of Winds come flying all abroad. 
 
 Your 
 
Book IB 
 
 142 G R o B I A N U S. 
 
 Your Teeth fo * fcourd with Spue , to Table 
 
 [come / 
 
 Ingorge once more : ftrike Locke and Newton? 
 
 [dumb, \ 
 
 And prove that Nature hates a Vacuum. J 
 
 Suppofe (with fturdy Sots beleaguer’d round) 
 Thou art hedg’d in, like Cattle in a Pound* 
 
 Thy Food beneath the Table render back j 
 The Dogs may lick it with a fav’ry Smack. 
 
 Or elfe, above-board, in the choiceft Mefsj 
 Reject whate’er thy Stomach doth opprefs. 
 
 My Lords the Judges will for this difcharge ye,- 
 Or let ye have the Benefit of Clergy, 
 
 Thefe Difemboguings do not feem impure. 
 
 Such Praifes doth Intemperance procure \ 
 
 Nay, of a Gueft, we do not kindly think. 
 
 Till he’s perceptibly bemus’d in Drink. 
 
 ’Twill 
 
 * This mult be underltood of bilous Vomiting, which, as Dr. Stro¬ 
 ther obferves, partakes of the Nature of Soap, and fcours almolt as 
 well. * 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 14.3 
 
 ’Twill therefore anfwer ev’ry End, if you 
 With Diligence, in time of Supper, ipue. 
 
 This Deluge all the Table overflows. 
 
 And highly entertains my Landlord’s Nofe : 
 Pleas’d with the fragrant Odour, ev’ry Gueft 
 Owns thee the only Glory of the Feaft; 
 
 For thou, by this, haft manifeftly fhew’d. 
 
 The Liquor, which was given thee, was good. 
 Thy Friends a Topick for To-morrpw gain. 
 
 And thou It with Drunkards much Repute obtain j 
 In ev’ry Song thy Labour fhall be feen. 
 
 And the frefli Vomit run for ever * green. 
 
 * The Alcali of the Bile changing the Red-Wine to a greenifh 
 Colour * Black mrt. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
G R O B I A N U S, 
 
 144- 
 
 Book II. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 Of wajhing Hands , of guttling the Defert , 
 And tow'rd the Girls to afil a decent Part . 
 
 T HE Cloth’s remov’d, for Hunger’s quite 
 
 [allay’d. 
 
 To wafh your Hands a Ew’r and Towel’s 
 
 [laid* 
 
 You’ll find, of fome the Modefty is fuch, 
 
 Unbid, the Element they will not touch ; 
 Expe&ing, till the reft Ablution make -f*, 
 
 Then, with Humility, the Water take. 
 
 While thefe, fecure of Mifchief, never dream. 
 Do thou be-dafh ’em with no (lender Stream: 
 With fcooping Hands the Water freely throw. 
 And in their Eyes, and on their Heads beftow. 
 Such ever be the Fate of Diffidence, 
 
 And Modefty, which argues Want of Senfe. 
 
 This 
 
 f Alludes to a Cuftom, in great ufe among Jews, Turks, Infidels, 
 and Hcreticks, but quite out of Doors with Cbrifiians. 
 
 2 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 
 
 r 45 
 
 This Trick a certain Perfon lately try’d, 
 
 Tho’ Fate was partial on the Lady’s Side; 
 
 Some Company was met, no matter where. 
 
 And he would fain be fyringing the Fair j 
 
 Her Virgin Hand the Stream diverted quite, 
 
 She Struck it in his Face with all her Might, 
 
 And Topp’d his Beard, and robb’d his Eyes of - 
 
 [Light. 
 
 Inly he grieves, tho’ vanquish’d not deprefs’d. 
 
 For Thoughts Heroic harbour’d in his Bread:: 
 At length he wreaks his Rage on Friends and Foes, 
 The Ew’r o’erturns, the Water round him throws: 
 With univerfal Shouts the Skies they rend, 
 
 And all the Cader and the CaSt commend. 
 
 None in the Bafon cares to plunge Slap-dafh, 
 
 But each defires his Neighbour firft Would wadi; 
 Much Honour thefe grave Compliments create. 
 Great Bodies flowly move, and adt in State, 
 
 In 
 
iG robianus, Book IT 
 
 In cafe their Pomp begets too long Delays, 
 
 It gives you fure and folid Grounds of Praife; 
 Since none their Fingers have thought fit to rinfe, 
 Enjoin the Boy to move the Ew’r from thence; 
 Should Water fiand and anfwer no Defign, 
 
 But wrongfully ufurp the Place of Wine ? 
 
 Now enter Sweet-meats and a rich Defert; 
 
 Be quick, and take good Heed to top your Part. 
 For Jellies and Conferves be thou the firft. 
 
 The hindmofl: Man comes ever by the worft; 
 Turn ev’ry Salver round ; your Palate pleafe ; 
 Norblufb, the very.niceft Bits to feize. 
 
 All Things with equal Qualities endu’d 
 
 i 
 
 Think not: but fludy the Degrees of Good. 
 
 Is Man with Intellectuals vainly grac’d ? 
 
 Or boafts he vainly a difcerning Tafie ? 
 
 Both for important Ends were furely giv’n. 
 
 That all may fill the Circle mark’d by Heav’n. 
 
 Man, 
 
*47 
 
 Chap. VI. Grobianus. 
 
 Man, both with Tafte and Reafon doubly bleft. 
 
 Is able to difcern what fuits him bed; 
 
 Thee let thole God-like Faculties infpire. 
 
 To fnatch the Morfels which you mod; admire. 
 
 Your Fruit to peel is an unrighteous Fafhion, 
 A Work of downright Supererogation ; 
 
 If the green Parings, thou, more fapient, eat. 
 They help the Stomach to digeft its Meat: 
 Befides, fliould you Hand piddling, we predict. 
 That you of ev’ry Apple will be trickt; 
 
 Anon, your Hands would rudi into the Plate, 
 
 But find they’re difappointed of a Freight; 
 
 Then eat inceflant, not a Pippen Ipare, 
 
 You’ll not for ever find fuch welcome Fare. 
 Permit no Dainties from the Board to go, 
 
 ’Twou’d vex my Landlord Ihould you flight him fo > 
 
 Sacred to Gluttony, each Salver teems 
 
 With Tarts and Sweet-meats, Syllabubs and 
 
 [Creams. 
 
 L 2 And 
 

 14$ Grobianus. Book IT. 
 
 And burnifh’d Fruits of vegetable Gold, 
 
 That Guefts may eat as long as Guts may hold. 
 
 If Queen-Cakes, Macaroons, or Fruit you leave, 
 
 4 . 
 
 Then take a decent Hint, and ufe your Sleeve: 
 The little Children, prattling round your Fire, 
 Their good Papa and Comfits both admire. 
 
 If you’ve no Children; (let a Friend advife) 
 
 To your own Belly give the lufcious Prize. 
 
 Crack Walnuts with your Teeth; unlefs you 
 
 [chufe 
 
 Your Knife or Crackers grofsly to mifufe: 
 
 Some, with uplifted Arm, in open View, 
 
 Part, at one Stroke, the fever’d Nuts in two; 
 Now fhake the Glades from their inmofl Rows, 
 
 ¥ > + % r s ' * v ✓ 
 
 Adown their fradur’d Sides the Liquor flows. 
 
 Such Sights us Men furprize, the Ladies pleafe. 
 All own the Doer made like Hercules . 
 
 Ad 
 
Chap. VI. Grobi anus. 
 
 149 
 
 Adi thus, or ftamp and crack them on the Ground, 
 And fo preferve your Whittle fafe and found. 
 
 Husks, Shells, and Parings, on your Neighbour’s 
 
 [Plate, 
 
 We’d have you place; the Benefits are great: 
 
 Your finking Honour fuch Devices aid. 
 
 And hide the Devaftation thou haft made. 
 
 ’Twill now be thought that you have rul’d the 
 
 [Weazon, 
 
 While other Men’s exceed the Bounds of Reafon. 
 
 As you proceed with Courage mod intenfe. 
 Your Stomach takes fome unforefeen Offence ; 
 Your Apple’s tainted, tho’ it looks fo fine. 
 
 In Nut or Pear the Worms have fprung a Mine : 
 Such Prefents to your Neighbour recommend, 
 And, more abufive, flile yourfelf his Friend. 
 
 When you can eat no longer, then dilplay 
 Your Wit and Humour in another Way. 
 
 L 3 
 
 Clofe 
 
Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 1 5 ° 
 
 Clofe by your Side, in ev’ry Charm compleat, 
 Perhaps a blooming Virgin takes her Seat j 
 Whofe modeft Looks, attempting ev’ry Ray, 
 
 Shine fweetly lambent with celeftial Day ; 
 
 Now let your Tongue, Eyes, Fingers, freely rove, 
 (We dedicate our youthful Days to Love) 
 
 This landing Rule all other Rules exceeds, 
 
 “ Be wanton, bejocofe, inWords and Deeds.” 
 
 Then touch what lov’ly Parts the Touch de- 
 
 [mand f, 
 
 Deep in her foft warm Bofom hide your Hand: 
 Her Crimfon Velvet Nipples gently feel, 
 
 And from her ruby Lips ten thoufand Kifies fteal. 
 
 v 
 
 t 
 
 Have you a Diamond Ring ? a Chain of Gold ? 
 In Links as ftrong the Dam Tel thefe will hold. 
 
 -f - Ex. gr. -■-■- her heaving Breaji, 
 
 Courting the liknd, and filing to be preji. 
 
 As to any thing farther, Experientia docebit . 
 
 Your 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 
 
 J 5' 
 
 Your red filk Waiftcoat, trimm’d with golden 
 
 . [Twine 
 
 Difclofe : and let her view your Garments fine. 
 
 Shew all you’ve got, or in or out of Sight, 
 
 That may the Longing of a Maid excite : 
 
 For this her Love extremely foon procures. 
 
 And makes her wifh to be for ever yours. 
 
 Girls, with red Baits are caught, like Mackarel; 
 
 And, as to Gold, they like it palling well. 
 
 Let vocal Sighs exprefs the pleafing Smart, 
 
 And Nods, more filent, tell her all your Heart; 
 
 To fhew you’ll come to her Bedfide at Night, 
 Tread on her Toes, nor let the Touch be light. 
 
 Oft, to her Health, a mighty Bowl of Wine 
 Caroufe : of mighty Love a certain Sign : 
 
 Tho’ die refufe to pledge thee, urge her ftill. 
 
 You’ll be her Love, her Dearee, what you will. 
 
 L 4 The 
 
Grobi ANUS. Book II. 
 
 152 
 
 The Sum of all our good Advice is this, 
 
 Let nought, howe’er immodeft, come amifs: 
 Offending Sots fevered; Criticks fpare, 
 
 For then, fair Deeds are foul, and foul are fair. 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 Of Clamour and Dijlurbance , breaking up - y 
 Appointing where To-morrow Night you'll fup. 
 
 HAT Meafures mufl be took, if item 
 
 [Mamma 
 
 No longer let’s the tender Virgin flay ? 
 Find fome Amufement: while your Heart is full. 
 The Time grows tedious, and a Banquet dull. 
 
 When therefore any one, approaching near, 
 Would drop his Secrets in a Neighbour’s Ear, 
 Erect both yours, to catch the Sound j and know 
 Each Syllable, tho’ wilper’d ne’er fo low. 
 
Chap. VII. Grobianus. 153 
 
 Perhaps of thee they’ve fomewhat to relate. 
 
 But thou, by coming, interrupt their Prate : 
 
 Be’t what it will, be fure to put ’em by; 
 
 For Whifpers, in the midft of Company, 
 
 Speak not the Man of Honour, but the Spy. 
 
 Whatever Deeds are done, or Words are fpoke. 
 Thou mingle with the reft, and club thy Joke : 
 You’ll fomething find to adt, as well as they. 
 
 Nor unapplauded be for what you fay. 
 
 No Voice but thine ufurps a bluff ring Tone, 
 Then blufter on, and domineer alone 5 
 Alone exert the Thunder of your Lungs, 
 
 A great Example of the Gift of Tongues: 
 
 Nor fear that Words prove fcanty, Topicks few. 
 When Elocution is the Point in view. 
 
 Of abfent Friends the Failings Tome difplay, 
 l or which the Liquor’s more in Fault than they. 
 
 Or 
 
>54 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Or tell the Ralhnefs of your youthful Time, 
 And loud recount fome vaft gigantick Crime: 
 Some of enormous Fame thou’lt daily fee, 
 
 Whofe Honour takes its Rife from Villany. 
 
 Afham’d of that (but far be Shame from you) 
 This Method then in all Demurs purfue : 
 
 On trivial Things no fmail Contention hart, 
 
 If any dares afume th’ opponent Part ; 
 
 With Sound, not Senfe, defend your darling Theme, 
 In Caufe inferior, yet in Voice fupreme : 
 
 So, in thy Clamour’s wild Rotation toft. 
 
 The Words of each fhall to himfelf be loft. 
 
 If any one defires you’ll now give o’er. 
 
 Or link a Note, and let your Voice be lower, 
 
 More rapid let the wordy Torrent flow; 
 
 You’re free: And let ’em find your Tongue is fo. 
 
 Tho* 
 
Chap. VII. Grob ian us. 
 
 J 55 
 
 Tho’ what you fay be falfer than Romance, 
 
 Support for ever what you once advance: V' 
 
 Give Place to none; your Conqueft ftill purfue, 
 
 Nor own that any fpeaks the Truth but you. 
 
 . $?C 
 
 Vy' 
 
 If yet your Adverfary will not yield, * 
 
 And ftands his Ground, and ftill maintains the Field; 
 
 Bear by no Means the Bront of this Difgrace, s 
 
 But hurl, at leaft, Defiance in his Face : 
 
 f 
 
 Oaths by the Volley fwear, enough to make 
 Pale Atheifts ftart, and trembling Bullies quake. 
 
 Enrag’d arife, abruptly difappear, 
 
 And let no foft Farewel falute their Ear : 
 
 .i 
 
 Thus all fhall dread thee, own thee in the Right; 
 
 White, when youpleafe, be Black,and Black be White. 
 
 If to fmall Purpofe thou halt loudly bray’d. 
 
 Appeal to War, invoke Bellona’s Aid -f : 
 
 Major 
 
 | The Goddefs of War. 
 
 2 
 
1 56 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Major and Minor grow mod: orthodox. 
 
 And Doubts are prov’d by Apoftolick Knocks j 
 Drawn Swords can niceft Controverfies fplit. 
 
 And darted Bottles prove a lucky Hit. 
 
 If nought like this delight thee, yet thou’rt loth 
 To dream away the Time in drowfy Sloth j 
 Sloth at a Banquet who alive can bear ? 
 
 Then with your Pocket-knife well-whet on Stair, 
 Some quaint Devices fcratch around the Room, 
 
 And fet your Name, for all to know by whom; 
 That thou wert there each future Gueft defcries. 
 Thus your Remembrance never, never dies. 
 
 Or paint Love’s Hieroglyphicks with a Coal -f*, 
 
 It fhows thy Temper is extremely drole. 
 
 But 
 
 f A common Expreffion of Wilmot , E—1 of R -. See his 
 
 Works, printed for Edmund Curl , at the Sign of the Bible in Fleet- 
 
 Jireet. 
 
Chap. VII. Grob ianus. 
 
 *57 
 
 But ever have an Eye to the main Chance, 
 
 In fwift Progreflion let the Bowl advance $ 
 
 And when you’ve took a very hearty Pull, 
 
 And drain’d the Mug which was before brimfull. 
 Yet hand it not to any Friend of thine. 
 
 As Decency and Order both enjoin, 
 
 Till with your Paws you’ve from the Brim effac’d 
 All Signs and Tokens where your Lips were plac’d: 
 Our Hands are cleaner than the cleaned Lip, 
 
 More frequent in the chryftal Stream they dip. 
 
 Oft in the Tankard Clouds of Froth appear, 
 Floating along the Surface of the Beer ; 
 
 Your Fingers thefe Impediments remove, 
 
 Then drink, or let your Friend the Liquor prove : 
 If in his Eyes you’d fnap your frothy Hands, 
 I’faith, fweet Sir ! I’ll not forbid the Bands; 
 
 2 
 
 The 
 
\ 158 Grobianus, Book II. 
 
 : 'The Sport is yours : Let him, at this Difafler, 
 
 • . ... . 
 
 Sit, like his Grandfire cut it Alablafler ; 
 
 ' Y* ' ' 
 
 While all the reft, whofe Bloods are warm within, 
 Bid the loud Laugh arife, or form the merry Grin. 
 
 - e A I 
 
 ' ' 
 
 Some in their concave Cheeks colled a Gale, 
 
 ' r » • ; 
 
 And puff in ev’ry Nipperkin of Ale; 
 
 (No Fault is this, or I no Fault can findj 
 
 * • f 
 
 Experience tells, when hollow Blafts of Wind 
 Wage dreadful Wars, and either Tropick fcare. 
 They purify the peftilential Air. 
 
 Breathe in the Mug, and drive thereby from thence, 
 
 * r- *\ * * v * 
 
 Or purify, whatever gives Offence. 
 
 Nor blow a dry, uncomfortable Blaft, 
 
 Good Store of Spittle in the Noggin caft: 
 
 A Deed fo decent fure no Deeds excell, 
 
 9 
 
 V" 
 
 Nought but its felf can be its Parallel. 
 
 tr, . - , , 
 
 •/' \ I 4 
 
 - 
 
 - % V 
 
 When 
 
Chap, VII. Grobianus. 
 
 1 5 9 
 
 When others drink, with Courage flout and bold. 
 Make but one Draught what all the GlafTes hold: 
 Since fewer Means will to an End fuffice. 
 
 The Man that ufes many is unwife ; 
 
 To drain the Mug a fingle Suck may do, 
 
 And wou’dfl thou, meanly, take it off at two ? 
 
 Soon as the Bowl, bereav’d of ev’ry Drop, 
 
 Is once again replenifh’d to the Top, 
 
 Take it, and pledge your Neighbour; floutly 
 
 . [drink. 
 
 Nor from imaginary Danger fhrink. 
 
 Deem not, if tipfy foon, thy Fate accurfl. 
 Supremely drunk, you flagger Home the firif. 
 
 None fhould before the Hour of Midnight flart. 
 Till Morn approaches ’tis a Sin to part: 
 
 Your Hofl wou’d willingly retire to Sleep, 
 
 Make him a longer Vigil learn to keep. 
 
 Tho’ 
 
160 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Tho’ he adjures thee, o’er and o’er, to go, 
 
 Yet, like a furly Drunkard, anfwer, No. 
 
 When fome, by Wine fubdu’d, to Bed repair. 
 Sink deep in Down and fnore ignobly there. 
 
 Bring bare-foot thefe Deferters down again. 
 
 Again ft their Wills to finifh the Campaign. 
 
 Begin thy Whiftle, as at firft, to whet. 
 
 Drink thy dear felf entirely out of Debt. 
 
 Then laftly, Mugs, Glafs-windows, Glades 
 
 [maul. 
 
 And why ? To-morrow makes Amends for all. 
 Thus in the Cafement leave thy Coat of Arms, 
 How many Noblemen this Fafhion charms ? -j- 
 Thy Coat, thus blazon’d, all that run may read. 
 That you’re no Upftart, but a Lord indeed. 
 
 Now 
 
 ■f It is no uncommon Thing to be obferv'd, that the Mailer’s Coat 
 of Arms are painted on the Hall. Windows, in moll old Manlion- 
 Iloufes. 
 
Chap* VII. Grobianus. 
 
 161 
 
 • 7 
 
 Now dance o’er Chairs and Tables, Stools and 
 
 [Shelves, 
 
 As in the Days of Yore did Fairy Elves; 
 
 Throw Chairs about; the Slab in Pieces beat: 
 
 Nor think of Home till then, nor wifh till then 
 
 [for Sleep 
 
 4 , 
 
 And let, as molt important, this remain 
 Within the Book and Volume of thy Brain • 
 
 A folemn League, ere thy Departure, make, 
 (From which thy Guts no Difadvantage take) 
 
 With whom you’ll fup the next enfuing Night; 
 Nor fay you cannot come when Friends invite. 
 
 Me this Device furpriimgly has fped, 
 
 (For on the Fat of all the Land I’ve fed) 
 
 “ When will (dear Friend, faid I) the Treat be 
 
 ( ^ [yours? 
 
 J When enter we your hofpitable Doors ? 
 
 M 
 
 Smote 
 
162 
 
 Grobianus. Book IL 
 
 Smote with impulfive Shame, he foon reply’d, 
 
 <c To thee our Portal ever opens wide. 
 
 “ Pray come, To-morrow, if you fo incline* 
 
 <c Our little All fhall freely then be thine. 
 
 Thus call’d, I promife (for his Pafty fake) 
 
 That what he freely gives I’ll freely take : 
 
 Then all the Vengeance of the Gods invoke. 
 
 In Cafe this Pye-cruft Promife fhould be broke. 
 Such Manners follow thou: a frequent Gueft, 
 Thy Belly fhall be loaded with the beft. 
 
 If any tries this Art on you, you muff 
 Make no rajh Promifes , quoth Charles the Firfl 
 Declare you’ll call him, when the Time is fit, 
 
 But fay, you cannot well invite him yet: 
 
 “ With State-Affairs which ne’er endure Delays, 
 
 “ Your Time is taken up for many Days. 
 
 Or 
 
 * See his Twelve Golden Rules, in the Kitchens of molt Country 
 Inns, and London Ale-Houfes. 
 
Chap. VII. G r o b i a n u s. 163 
 
 Or fay, “ Your coftive Wife lies fick in Bed, 
 u Excefs of Noife might fplit her aching Head; 
 Say, £f From the Surgeon’s Hand fine’s forc’d to 
 That Operation, which the Learn’d declare, 
 Gives Cholics Eafe, and makes the Ladies fair, 
 
 “ Anon, /lie’ll plentifully fir— and p_, 
 
 tc Op’ning the Floodgates of the great Abyfs. 
 
 When Health (at either Entrance now fhut out) 
 
 “ Returns, both them and all the rebel Rout 
 You’ll call. Confufion then you’ll worfc confound, 
 And banifh Thought and put the Bottle round. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
164 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 Of reeling Home y when you have got your Load j 
 Of NoiJ'e and Quarrels all along the Road ; 
 
 Of Houjhold Jars before you go to Reft j 
 Of Deeds to the next Day adapted beft. 
 
 Al 
 
 LL Things, as one cou’d wiih, b’ing order’d 
 
 [fo, 
 
 X With more than double Noife prepare to go. 
 Bid none Farewel; no Speech of Thanks compile. 
 To tire ’em with a Period of a Mile : 
 
 By this my Hoft would your Departure fmoke. 
 And thus the Neck of your Defign is broke. 
 
 With horrid Clamour ev’ry Street annoy : 
 Such nightly Pleafures drunken Guefts enjoy ! 
 Each drowfy Neighbour at the Sound awakes, 
 Of pleafmg Sleep the foft Enchantment breaks. 
 
 Provoke 
 
Chap. VIII. Grobianus. 165 
 
 Provoke this Man with Words, and that with 
 
 VC • 1 [Blows, 
 
 If in thy Brealt one Spark of Courage glows: 
 
 Old Feuds revive, old Grievances repeat 
 
 You re drunk, and fhou’d abule whoe’er you meet. 
 
 If at your Challenge they prepare for Fight, 
 We’d have you foon betake yourfelf to Flight; 
 
 For, fhou’d they chance to cut an Artery, 
 
 You thence would in apparent Danger be; 
 
 From the wide Wound a purple River flows. 
 
 And Life departs in flrong convulfive Throws. 
 
 Is or fhall our Verfe thole warlike Scow’rers 
 
 [“blame *J* 
 
 Who Stones and Brickbats at the Windows aim:' 
 
 M 3 Thou 
 
 t Several Criticks from thefe Lines have pretended to infer, that 
 either our Author or fome of his Family were Glaziers; but the learned 
 Dr. — t ly allures me, it is no fuch thing; for this Precept (faith 
 he) is given upon no other Motives than the foregoing, viz .the Promo¬ 
 tion of Trade, and the Circulation of Money. 
 
166 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Thou (courteousReader) fhouldftTometimes do this ? 
 Drunkards, we know, can never adt amifs j 
 Each from the Bowl his Inspiration draws. 
 
 And foars above the low Reftraint of Laws. 
 
 If to the Compter now you march in State, 
 Attended by the Watch, you’re truly great; 
 
 Secure from Foes when in the Compter laid. 
 
 You cannot there fufpedt an Ambufcade ; 
 
 No Drifts of Snow nor Rain you’ve Caufe to fear, 
 Nor Scorching Sun-beams ever enter here. 
 
 If you’re fo happy not to be purfu’d, 
 
 Nor barr’d from adting as it feemeth good} 
 
 When you have ravag’d all the Streets throughout, 
 With Ruin upon Ruin, Rout on Rout} 
 
 Go Home — your Mifchief, being fully done, 
 Will make you deep as well as Laudanum. 
 
 Now 
 
 »/ 
 
Chap. VIII. Grobianus. 
 
 Now learn what Tumults at your Door to raife. 
 And greet your Wife, with pretty, winning Ways. 
 
 Strike, loud as Thunder, in a dreadful Squall, 
 Rattling along the dark aerial Hall : 
 
 With frequent Blows the flubborn Door provoke. 
 Till, with repeated Blows, the flubborn Door is 
 
 [broke. 
 
 If your fweet Spoufe, a kind indulgent file, 
 Officioufly gets up, and turns the Key, 
 
 If with foft Looks, and many an eafy Word, 
 
 She drives to footh her topfy-turvy Lord; 
 
 Let on her Head your double Fill defcend, 
 
 I 
 
 Nor differ Innocence to Hand her Friend, 
 
 But ev’ry Stroke with keen Reproaches blend. 
 
 Make her to know your Meaning by a Nod, 
 
 Rule her your Valdai, with an iron Rod. 
 
 M 4 
 
 A 
 
168 
 
 G ROBIANUS. Book II. 
 
 A Wife, an Afs, a Walnut-tree (’tis thought) 
 Except they’re thrafh’d, are never good for ought; 
 Then ftrike your Wife, for fear the Jade be dull, 
 And write your Memorandums on her Skull. 
 
 Sleep not yourfelf, till at your Coming rife 
 The Family, who fcarce had clos’d their Eyes 5 
 Then prove how well the one can bear Reproof, 
 And if another’s Bones are Cudgel-proof. 
 
 Now, to each Individual, number o’er 
 Their Faults committed all that Year and more j 
 Fear to whom Fear by this they learn to pay, 
 
 And tremble, tho’ but half a Word you fay. 
 
 Your houfhoid Rules fo very well difpenc’d j 
 Climb up to Bed, to let your Eyes be drench’d ; 
 
 Lie fnoaring there, what Length of Time you 
 And on the Coverlet your Stomach eafe: ^ ^ 
 
 The 
 
Chap. VIII. Grobi ANUS. 169 
 
 The greafy Quilt next Morn the Damfels rub, 
 While the Soap lathers o’er the foaming Tub. 
 Shou’dft thou not oft fuch fvveet Employs procure, 
 Thy Place would dwindle to a Sine-cure. 
 
 When you from warm and downy Pallet rife. 
 And Sol has travers’d over half the Skies, 
 
 When you’ve concoded what you drank at Night, 
 And find your Body tolerably tight. 
 
 Your Brethren of Iniquity and Wine 
 
 We’d have you meet, while they prepare to dine; 
 
 With them, till Dinner on the Table fmokes, 
 
 On divers Subjects utter divers Jokes: 
 
 Charm their fick Stomachs, their Affedions woo, 
 And with your little Wit make much ado. 
 
 Repeat what Yefternight was done or faid. 
 
 When frantick Bacchus did the Brain invade. 
 
 Say who behav’d obfcenely o’er his Pot, 
 
 Tho’ all the red his Errors have forgot: 
 
 Each 
 
170 Grobianus. Book IT. 
 
 Each Deed you view’d in Order as it rofe. 
 
 And now each Deed to all the World difclofe; 
 Many at this will fmile, but more will fwear. 
 
 So various human Difpofitions are. 
 
 With Brags your Converfation interweave. 
 
 How much was guzzl’d down from Morn to Eve 
 That when at Night you dagger'd Home to Bed, 
 Your Feet could fcarce fupport your heavy Head : 
 But yet you drank till Knights and ’Squires were 
 
 [drown’d. 
 
 None went off Scot-free from the fatal Ground; 
 
 So thou ihalt ftand enroll’d the Prince of Sots, 
 Great is the Praife of emptying many Pots. 
 
 As foon as e’er you rife, ’tis Time you think 
 Of fit Materials both to eat and drink: 
 
 Mud d Claret with a Toad we fird prefcribe, 
 
 The nobled Anodyne of all the Tribe ! 
 
 Thus 
 
Chap.VIII. G ROBIANUS. IJi 
 
 Thus having drank and eat, we hold it bed; 
 
 While Dinner’s getting, to renew your Red ; 
 
 Your careful Confort, whom it mod behoves. 
 Prepares the fiv’ry Meat your Soul approves; 
 
 This done, go dine ; and never fail to keep 
 Your condant Rounds of Gluttony and Sleep. 
 
 When Dinner’s brought (you know the Women’s 
 
 [Way) 
 
 She’ll cry, God blefs ye ! how d’ye do To-day ? 
 Lad Night my Love was defperately bad, 
 
 His Looks diforder’d, Words and Actions mad : 
 
 Of Oaths, Ill-names, and many ugly Tricks, 
 
 She now relates a Story too prolix ; 
 
 How this, how that came broke, die dares complain, 
 And preaches in a Prefbyterian Strain. 
 
 As thefe unfeafonable Truths are told, 
 
 You’ll foon be tir’d and bid her ceafe to fcold : 
 
 * j 
 
 If 
 

 
 \ . 1 ' " 
 
 172 Grobianus. Book If. 
 
 If (he obeys, ’tis well ; if, more perverfe, 
 
 Your Deeds fhe’ll (notwithftandingthis) rehearfe. 
 Snatch up whate’er will give a goodly Bruife, 
 
 Rage finds you Arms, and teaches how to ufe ; 
 Thofe, brandifh’d at her Head, enjoin her Peace, 
 Thenceforth the conjugal Petard fhall ceafe. 
 
 We cou’d be long in Precepts, but we fear 
 That many Precepts wou’d offend your Ear; 
 Befides a Genius we fuppofe in thee, 
 
 Self-taught that Genius many Things may fee ; 
 
 We only figure out a gen’ral Plan, 
 
 Nor wou’d we bolt the Matter to the Bran ; 
 
 Add thou the reft, to make .thy Rudenefs known. 
 Which Brutes themfelves would hardly blufh to own.* 
 
 Some Half-wits and low Criticks impudently aflert, that Brutes 
 never blufh : But I can allure them they are miilaken. For is it not 
 grown into a Proverb, He blujhes like a black Dog ? Bentley. 
 
 CHAP, 
 
Grobianus. 
 
 *73 
 
 CHAP. LX. 
 
 How Guejis jhoud be receiv'd , whom you invite ; 
 Next , how be treated if they (lay the Night 
 And afterwards difmijsd by Rules polite. 
 
 O thou fometimes a Mifer’s Feaft proclaim, 
 Left fordid Avarice obfcure your Fame ; 
 Left thofe refledt with whom you’ve drank and eat, 
 That you are always treated, never treat. 
 Reproaches odious ! for your Honour’s Sake, 
 
 Scime (lender Compliments are fit to make : 
 
 Yet to befeech your Friend is moft abfurd, 
 
 Who then (perhaps) may take you at your Word. 
 But fet thine Heart at Quiet: Thy Compeers, 
 
 Not prefs’d, will hardly come as Voluntiers. 
 
 In cafe they come, which fure no Mortal ought, 
 Unlook’d for, unexpected, unbefought, 
 
 Receive 
 
1 74 
 
 Grobianus. Book IL 
 
 Receive ’em not* but with a furly Mein, 
 
 Bid ’em be jogging, while their Boots are greem 
 “ Whether unafk’d or afk’d you now appear, 
 
 “ I know not : All is overwhelm’d in Beer. 
 tc Whate’er by Chance was promis’d, o’er my Pot* 
 “ Was fpoke in Drink, and fhou’d have been forgot, 
 £C A fly remembring Tipler I deteft, 
 
 <e And if I break my Word, I only break a Jeft.” 
 Infift, all Promifes £hou’d go for nought, 
 
 Which Honour makes without the Aid of Thought y 
 That trite but ufeful Sentence call to Mind, 
 
 Honour with candid Judges ne'er will bind , C 
 
 For Promifes are Words , and Words are Wind. J 
 Declare “ the Time prefix’d is very wrong j 
 Scarce can I trail my languid Limbs along y 
 Such daily Pain from nightly Draughts proceeds* 
 And Agony to Dizzinefs fucceeds.- 
 Or on your Plelp-meet let the Blame recoil, 
 
 (A Pig (he will not fuffer you to boil) 
 
 <c 
 
 The' 
 
1 75 
 
 Chap. IX. Grobianus. 
 
 “ The Meeting now were better let alone, 
 
 “ The fame good Will another Time is fhown. 
 Yet adt not always thus, fometimes receive ’em, 
 And when you do, a fcanty Morfel give 'em. 
 
 The Wife will never treat at vaffi Expence, 
 
 In j Timon ■f' they behold the Confequence : 
 
 At Home your Charity begins and ends. 
 
 For Gratitude is feldom found in Friends. 
 
 If they, when Supper’s ready, lag behind, 
 
 Let none a farther Invitation find : 
 
 Shou’d you, officious, fend your Slave away, 
 
 And much, and long, intreat, and beg, and pray. 
 
 That each his Coming would no more delay, 
 ’Twere mean, and low, and abjedt (on my Word) 
 Tho’ ev’ry Individual were a Lord. 
 
 Of 
 
 ■f A noble Athenian, whom Plutarch makes mention of; he undid 
 himielf by his Generofity. 
 
 2 
 
176 Grobianus. Book II 
 
 Of this Advice the Reafon here we tell, 
 
 (Obferv’d, or not, our Rules are founded well;) 
 The Friend, you importune toforry Cheer, 
 
 Will, Frenchman like, want Money for live here : 
 Your Gueft a Belly-full of Honour gains, 
 
 But you’ll have little Thanks for all your Paihs. 
 
 In cafe they come not foon, expedt ’em never, 
 Now let ’em day, for ever and for ever; 
 
 Sup, e’re your Clock has well proclaim’d the Horn", 
 And what your careful Spoufe has cook’d devour. 
 Remember Man “ Who lateft come fhould meet 
 “ With bad Provifions, and the meaneft Seat, 
 
 For they were madly negligent of Time, 
 
 ’Tis they iliould fuffer that commit the Crime. 
 
 Or, foon as the appointed Hour is pad:, 
 
 With Bars, and Bolts, and Locks the Door make 
 
 [fait. 
 
 For 
 
.IX. Grobianus. 
 
 177 
 
 For why ? the Time is pail; you did prefix^ 
 
 ’Tis late, and no Admittance after Six. 
 
 Thou to no Man alive the Door unbarr, 
 
 Let him, that likes it, Hand and clatter there: 
 
 To his own Home the Road he rightly knows. 
 Nor needs he blunder long with unavailing Blows, 
 
 To them you hold it proper to admit. 
 
 No Water give to wafh, nor Chairs to lit; 
 
 Believe me. Sir ! you never need to doubt, 
 
 They lat and walh’d at Home, before they ven-i 
 
 [tur’d out. 
 
 When Guefts are come, now fweep the Marble 
 . . [Hail* 
 
 Elfe Men might think ’twas never fwept at all: 
 
 And noWj and not till now, your Feaft prepare i 
 
 When ev’ry Gueft is ready for the Fare. 
 
 To feat his Friends is worth no wife Man's 
 
 . [while. 
 
 No: bid ’em range themfelves in Rank and File: 
 
 N Who- 
 
178 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 Whoe’er fits lowed:, all Complaint’s o’erthrown, 
 The Add and Deed’s not yours, but all his own. 
 
 The very Refufe of the Markets buy. 
 
 Yet praife your Entertainment to the Sky j 
 Say from what Region was your Stockfifh brought, 
 How far your Tripe was fetch’d, how dearly 
 
 [bought. 
 
 That all your Cookery was manag’d well. 
 
 Roundly afiert, and eloquently tell: 
 
 Moreover add, you’ll more accepted be, 
 
 “ In rich Repafts no Mortal rivals me. 
 
 Such Praife infpires with a diviner Luft 
 Your Friends, who guttle with a greater Guft. 
 
 Hungry or not, I’d never bid ’em feed, 
 
 Small Compliments do hungry Stomachs need; 
 
 And if their Belly’s full, they’ll find no Room, 
 
 For the full Belly loaths the Honey-comb. 
 
 Before 
 
Chap. IX. G ROBIANUS. i yg 
 
 Before yourfelf, not Friends, the Dainties lay, 
 By your Example pointing out the Way: 
 
 Largely ingorge, and labour thro’ the Treat, 
 
 The Remedy for Hunger is, to eat. 
 
 For thofe, who’ll not like thee their Jaws employ, 
 E’en let ’em pine to all Eternity. 
 
 If any Food to any Man you bring, 
 
 Ah! don’t by Rafhnefs fpoil fo nice a Thing: 
 Let in his Platter not one Slice be plac’d, 
 
 Till you, with Prudence, firft its Flavour tafte. 
 
 To him, your kind Benevolence is fhown, 
 
 To thee, the Value of the Gift is known* 
 
 On changing Plates we lay no mighty Strefs, 
 When, moft unlikely Chance ! we change the Mefs. 
 In cafe to turn their Plates the Guefts refufe, 
 Scarce are thy Napkins fit to wipe their Shoes: 
 
 N 2 
 
 Here 
 
Groeianus. 
 
 Book II. 
 
 180 
 
 Here let ’em wipe ; ’tis what the Scullion wifhes. 
 And faves her wafhing many greafy Difhes. 
 
 You’ve done: and now the Banquet moves away, 
 ’Tis Time ftrong Liquor ftrongly comes in play ; 
 Perchance your Friends too tardy feem and flow. 
 Thee for their Driver make ’em learn to know. 
 Firft make ’em empty, then invert the Bowl, 
 Altho’ it goes againft their Heart and Soul; 
 
 Yours firft turn topfy-turvy on your Thumb, 
 
 And cry, behold! here’s Supernaculum. 
 
 Grown drunk, in Quarrels, as you lift, abound; • 
 Scold much, and let your Voice be heard around, 
 
 Loud as a Trumpet with a filver Sound. 
 
 * * t 
 
 t i 
 
 Whoever mutters cripple him at leaft; 
 
 Or, emulate the Lapithaan Feaft : 
 
Chap. IX. Grobianus. 181 
 
 When fir’d with Love and Wine were all the Train, 
 Thro’ Wine they quarrel’d, and thro’ Wine were 
 
 [flain. 
 
 At your own Dwelling you’re fupreamly great, 
 Adt what you will, for what you will is Fate. 
 Guefis, whom your kingly Paws have once fubdu’d, 
 Anear yourRoyal Den fhall never more intrude. 
 
 O’erpower’d with Numbers, not in love with 
 
 [Harm, 
 
 You dread the Vengeance of fome brawny Arm, 
 Willing to wound, but yet afraid to ftrike ; 
 
 Then hint a Fault, and hefitate Diflike, 
 
 And Ipit abroad the Venom of your Bread:, 
 
 With fly Ill-Nature, and a bitter Jeft. 
 
 ' i * m 
 
 In evil Part if any Man fliould take 
 Such Jokes, a fpeedy Exit bid him make : 
 
 Averfe to Jokes, and Merriment, and Play, 
 
 He marrs the whole Diverfion of the Day, 
 
 N 3 
 
 The 
 
182 Grobi anus, Book II. 
 
 Then with the reft a genial Life commence, 
 And make ’em drunk by downright Violence. 
 
 At ev’ry Door a Centinel be fet, 
 
 And bolt ’em faft, while all their Gullets wet. 
 Let none depart, tho’ legal Caufe they (how, 
 Neceftity fays Yes, but Honour No, 
 
 Tho’ final! the Labour, great th’ Eftedt will be: 
 For none (hall frequent Vilits pay to thee. 
 
 A Chamber Veffel of the largeft Size, 
 Beneath the Table, fhould attradl their Eyes, 
 Which whatfoe’er is needful may comprize. 
 Here each J conjkites , if Nature fo difpofe, 
 And lweeteft Vapours ftrike the tender Nofe. 
 
 i 
 
 Soon 
 
 + A Word of Rabelais. 
 
 f 
 
Chap. IX. Grobianus. 
 
 Soon as you’ve empty’d, thro’ the broken Panes,^ 
 What Stores the Jordan's copious Urn contains. 
 Your Friends with Wine may fill it to the Brim, 
 And drink, and gaily put about the Whim. 
 
 All lit and tipple, till the Night be done. 
 
 None to his Bed, till then, will meanly run. 
 
 When riling from the Sea, the Morning Star 
 Does with his roly Hand the Gates of Light unbar, 
 Unbarring yours, detain your Guells no more 
 Swift on its Axis turning ev’ry Door : 
 
 Your Guefts departing, ufe the Torch of Day, 
 
 And need no Lanthorn to dired their Way. 
 
 N 4 While 
 
 •j- If People are frugally inclined, and have any competent Know¬ 
 ledge in Phyfick or Surgery, this need not be thrown away, but may 
 be made fubfervient to very excellent Purpofes; for human Dung mix¬ 
 ed with Urine S. A. and taken inwardly is a notable Remedy for all 
 Difeafes arifing from Repletion. And as to external Ufe, human Dung 
 pro fe , powder’d, and blown into the Eyes, is extreamly beneficial to the 
 Sight, This is what Dr. Salmon learnedly ftiles, Zihethum occidental, 
 and recommends, under that Name, to all his Patients. Vide Salmon’s 
 Family Dictionary* 
 
184. 
 
 Grobianus. Book II. 
 
 While others labour, fnore away the Light, 
 
 To Wine devoting ev’ry wakeful Night; 
 
 So thou, when toiling Cits poffefs their Plumb, 
 
 Shalt of the Order Mendicant become : 
 
 For Wealth is all their Study, all their Strife, 
 
 But ftudy thou the Elegance of Life. 
 
 Our feeble Limbs are too infirm, to bear 
 
 Th’ opprefiive Weight of Trouble, Toil, and Care ? 
 
 Riches in vain by greedy Minds are fought, 
 
 For Happinefsis never to be bought. 
 
 My Willies are to Nature’s Wants confin’d, 
 i or tjiefe content the unambitious Mind - 3 
 Qn fhining Stores unbidden Mifchiefs wait, 
 
 And many fall, from Pinnacles of State : 
 
 Thofe let die Mob admire, do thou defpife, 
 
 And catch the prefent Moment e’re it flies, C 
 Your Carcafe cherifh, and be truly wife. J 
 
 End of the Second Booh , 
 
THE 
 
 THIRD BOOK 
 
 O F 
 
 GRO BIANUS. 
 

 
 n 
 
 
 . 
 
 ■ 
 
 . 
 
 y ' - ' ' ' " - - ■ -A- •; 
 
 v . ■ 
 
 *• !• • + * s »■ T 
 
 ' ■ •• • - i • - - 
 
 2 1 - c : v; 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 . .. - - V 
 
 t'i 
 
 
 L 
 
 
 
 
C i8 7 ] 
 
 GR0B1ANUS. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 The Order of the Book , and how to eat 
 Soop , Sops, and Shell-fijh , at a noble Treat . 
 
 H E Rules, our two foregoing Books lay 
 
 [down. 
 
 Suit well the Difpofition of a Clown : 
 
 But thofe of certain Seafons only treat. 
 
 Not univerfal, therefore not compleat: 
 Here will we add a farther Word or two, 
 And counfel what the Rude fhou’d ever do. 
 Order we difregard, and all her Laws, 
 
 As greatly foreign to the good old Caufe $ 
 
 Let 
 
j 88 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 Let Order die: By Fits and Starts we tell 
 Matters on which before we could not dwell. 
 
 If thou (my Reader) haft the leaft Delight 
 In Rudenefs and Simplicity downright, 
 
 With thirfty Ears once more receive from me 
 The nobleft Law of Life and Liberty, L 
 
 Too learned in our Arts thou ne’er can’ft be. * 
 
 You’ll find moreover, if you deign to look, 
 
 -j • V ... ’ ' . '■ . , ■ > 
 
 Some great Examples in this little Book j 
 
 Rude and more rude from thefe thy Manners grow. 
 
 If you’ll but ftrive to pra&ife all you know. 
 
 Tho’ different Things with diff’rent Ages fuit. 
 
 In all Things let thy Will be abfolute: 
 
 To ferve your Purpofe, gather, here and there, 1 
 
 * 
 
 Rules which befit your Conduct to a Hair : 
 
 • .a. , ; • < - - 
 
 Be 
 
 ^ f ' '> ■ > r ■ - r F r. - v , , \ \ 7,7 
 
 j As in the firft Book, the Scene of Atflion lies chiefly at Home, 
 ana in the fecond, Abroad ; fo, in the third Book, our Author treats 
 of Behaviour both at Home and Abroad ; confirming his Rules, with 
 many excellent Examples. 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus. i8 9 
 Be thou, whofe Judgment the wrong Courfe will 
 
 [fleer, 
 
 Regardlefs in what Page thofe Rules appear; 
 
 Or why or wherefore any Thing was faid, 
 
 (Of Why’s and Wherefore’s never be afraid) 
 
 By Head and Shoulders all Conclufions draw. 
 
 And to your own Advantage warp the Law. 
 
 Nor other Tutor follow: Thou, with Eafe, 
 
 In Gotham College fhalt attain Degrees; 
 
 Be dubb’d a Doctor in a little Time, 
 
 Simplicity excufes ev’ry Crime; 
 
 Then by your own Opinion fland or fall. 
 
 Nor to another’s Will yourfelf enthrall: 
 
 Whoever lives as other Men decree, 
 
 A Wretch and ignorant of Life is he. 
 
 If thou, a Stranger-gueft, fliou’d chance to fup 
 With honourable Men, whofe Names are up. 
 When in a vacant Seat you’re fafe bellow’d. 
 
 And when the Board the tafleful Diflies load. 
 
 Let 
 
Grobianus. Book IIL 
 
 19b 
 
 Let all Refpeft of Perfons then be loft. 
 
 Speak, like a Clown, whate’er comes uppermoft : 
 To fnatch your Food, with Courage arm your Soul, 
 And with a greedy Fill embrace the Bowl. 
 
 And pierce the Sky with your tumultuous Joys* 
 And deafen all the Gods above with Noife. 
 
 Your Pleafure now fulfil: at nothing dart $ 
 
 When Wine appears let Modedy departi 
 
 If none are grave, iior too feverely wife* 
 
 But many a Joke around the Table flies, 
 
 Do thou the graved: Quedions gravely date, 
 
 And with loud Voice promote a warm Debate,. 
 Honours the mod magnificent are thine. 
 
 And Fame dial! praife a Genius fo lublime. 
 
 Among th’ Imprudent prudent thou alone. 
 
 No other Arts could make thee better known< 
 The jolly God his Votary fliall grace, 
 
 With all the Pomp of Words and all the Pow’r of 
 
 [Face. 
 
 Fat 
 
 2 
 
Chap. I. Grobianus. ipi 
 
 Fat Soop appears, delightful to the Belly! 
 
 Well cramm’d with toafled Bread or Vermigelly 5 
 Be thou the firft good Porridge to devour. 
 
 His Praife is loft who ftays beyond his Hour ; 
 Now with the moft gigantick Spoon make bold. 
 Load it fo full, that more it cannot hold. 
 
 Since thou canft feize thy Treafure at a Jerk, 
 
 ’Tis Madnefs to reiterate the Work. 
 
 Your Prize entire within your Jaws difpofe; 
 
 Of firetching Leather we thy Cheeks fuppofe. 
 
 In cafe too frefh you find the charming Pafte, 
 Corredl that Evil like a Man of Tafle : 
 
 Dip in the Salt-cellar, the common Store; 
 
 Till with wet Crumbs the Salt is cover’d o’er. 
 
 Or with five Fingers, not at all afraid. 
 
 The cryflal Battlements of Salt invade. 
 
 What 
 
192 Grobianus* Book III. 
 
 What woful Stuff our daily Food wou’d be. 
 
 But Salt from all bad Relifh fets it free ? 
 
 Before the facred Brine flies ev’ry Fault, 
 
 And each exalted Morfel teems with Salt. 
 
 Of all the luflful Shellfifh of the Sea 
 ( Drefs’d by the wanton Hand of Luxury) 
 
 Lobfters are moft in Vogue : If thefe you meet. 
 At any Table where you chance to eat. 
 
 Let erring Palates choofe the puny Fry, 
 
 The large a larger Store of Food fupply. 
 
 Be this with fome Reftridtion underflood > 
 
 For great infers not excellent or good. 
 
 The better therefore to difcern the befl* 
 
 Hide thou this faithful Rule within thy Breafl 5 
 Explore the Spawn beneath their Tails: for there 
 “ Inhabits all that’s good, and all that’s fair. 
 
 I 
 
 With 
 
T 93 
 
 \ 
 
 Chap. I. G r o b i a n u s; 
 
 With Fifh, where Spawn abounds, your Hunger') 
 
 - . [ iate » / 
 
 With what you like not, load your Neighbour’s > 
 
 [Plate, \ 
 
 For fome admire the Thing which others hate. J 
 Or hurl it back again into the Difh, 
 
 And ravifli fpeedily a nobler Fifh : 
 
 And chop, and change, till one from thence be 
 
 [drawn. 
 
 Replete with Food, and prodigal of Spawn. 
 
 We do not bid thee eat them all at once. 
 
 Who ftrives to do it is an errant Dunce. 
 
 Not at one Heat can this Affair be wrought, 
 
 But cofts us all (alas!) a fecond Thought. 
 Sufficeth it to fuck the Belly clean, 
 
 To break the hinder Shell, and find what lies 
 
 [within. 
 
 Thy Palate for a Time with thefe regale, 
 Referving both the Claws and lufcious Tail. 
 
 So when your Friends the empty Difh bemoan. 
 You’ll eat your grand Referve of Claws alone : 
 
 O 
 
 By 
 
194 
 
 Grobianus. Book IIL 
 
 By Guttling moft thofe Friends you far excell,. 
 
 For Wit’s chief Mafter-piece is eating well. 
 
 This Trick ourfelf faw once (in vain) effay’d* 
 
 A Wag with roguifh Eyes the Scheme furvey’d 
 
 Mirthful of Face, his very Looks a Joke, 
 
 While deep Defigns his comic Features cloke. 
 
 For finding where the fever’d Members lay. 
 
 With ftretch’d out Arm he bears the Spoils away.. 
 
 And thus “ Are Claws of Shellfifh fo defpis’d ? 
 
 “ Thofe Parts by ruflick me the moft were priz’d. 
 
 “ Deigns none to crack the Shells and tafle the 
 
 [Tweet? 
 
 “ With-hold no longer what you will not eat. 
 Then ftripp’d the Lobfter of his fcarlet Coat, 
 
 And gulp’d the precious Morfel down his Throat. 
 
 More fafe, in Pocket, Pouch, or Satchel deep, 
 The Claws together with the Tail you keep : 
 
 You 
 
I 95 
 
 Chap. I. Grobi anus. 
 
 You carry Home your Hoards, fince none obferves, 
 And eat ’em when your Inclination ferves. 
 
 Each Kind of Food this ufeful Maxim fits, 
 
 “ Monopolize the mod delightful Bits. 
 
 Your Hod, with much Injudice, disapproves 
 His Friend, for taking what a Friend behoves. 
 
 By bringing ’em in fight, he wrought their Fall, 
 And, tempting your Attempt, occadon’d all. 
 
 When thy dear Comrade does his Gifts impart, 
 
 •V 
 
 With open Hands and with a princely Heart, 
 Shouldd thou the Giver or the Gifts defpife. 
 
 Thou wou’dd but ill deferve the Name of wife. 
 
 O ! may Ambition ne’er my Fancy cheat. 
 
 With any Wifh fo vain as not to eat y 
 Nor teach me to defpife the profer’d Treat. 
 
 I’ll take Poffdlion with a grateful Mind, 
 
 And make my own whatever I can find. 
 
 O 2 C FI A P. 
 
196 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Of Dr hikingJioutly by the Rules of Art , 
 Of Manners to objerve when we depart . 
 
 O UR frugal Hod, to fpare his Florence Cheft, 
 
 With Wines of his own making treats his 
 
 [Gueft; 
 
 Liquor fo mean, fo deditute of Worth, 
 
 Befits the Dulnefs of fome Son of Earth : 
 Remand from thence the vile ignoble Juice, 
 
 And bid them foon a nobler Sort produce. 
 
 This at another’s Houfe we’d have thee do, 
 
 The Cafe is alter’d when it reaches you. 
 
 Whoe’er invited to your Table fleer, 
 
 Or, of their own Accord, as Friends appear. 
 
 To all, on purpofe, with a wife Defign, 
 
 Prefent the word; and molt infipid Wine. 
 
 If any, hoping for a better Sort, 
 
 Should make their Application to the Court, 
 
 Deny 
 
J 9 7 
 
 Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 Deny whatever their Petitions pray, 
 
 ’Tis dangerous to give a Fool his Way. 
 
 A fmall Expence may quickly be retriev’d. 
 
 For little LolTes are with Eafe reliev’d; 
 
 Tir’d with fmall Wines, Men take a fpeedy Flight, 
 But fir’d with ftrong, they guzzle all the Night. 
 
 Haft thou a thirfty Fever in thy Soul ? 
 
 And doft thou crown a Bowl, a mighty Bowl ? 
 
 Of fuch Extent, from the delicious Lake, 
 
 An Ox his Morning’s Draught might fully take ; 
 Give him that pledges thee no Reft nor Eafe, 
 
 Till he the Bottom of the Brimmer fees. 
 
 If he declares his Prowefs not fo great, 
 
 Such firft-rate Veffels to evacuate; 
 
 On ftrong Denial ftronger importune, 
 
 And forcibly obtain the wiflfd-for Boon 
 But if no indefatigable Teazing 
 Compels him to renounce his carnal Reafon, 
 
 o 3 
 
 Nor 
 
igS Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 * * ' ^ 
 
 Nor Arguments, with Noife and Threats conjoin’d, 
 
 • * t 
 
 Can (hake the Ready Purpofe of his Mind; 
 
 Seize thou the Veflel, fnifh all Difputes, 
 
 And pour it in his Bofom or his Boots: 
 
 He, for the future, fince his Hap was hard. 
 
 Shall pay an Admonition more Regard. 
 
 So aCted I, when once a fober Man 
 Refus’d my Challenge and difdaih’d the Can ; 
 
 The fweet Revenge comes fmiling to my Thought, 
 For all bellow’d their Laurels where they ought; 
 None from thefeBrows, thenceforth, prefume to tear 
 A Chaplet I fo well deferve to wear. 
 
 When winy Vapours to the Brain advance, 
 When ftamm’ring Tongues obey no Pow’r but 
 
 [Chance; 
 
 The Soul fubfides, and wickedly inclines 
 To feem but mortal, ev’n in found Divines. 
 
 Now fmooth your Front • the Time is all your own : 
 By certain Tokens let your Joy be fhown. 
 
 Of 
 
Chap. II. G robianus. 199 
 
 Of painted Earth a Vefiel quickly take, 
 
 (Such with a circling Wheel the Potters make) 
 
 Or elfe a glafiy Bowl, the brittler Ware, 
 
 Take which you like, if Wine alike be there. 
 
 And drink about, to thofe that greatly dare. 
 
 Grind with your Teeth, and then devour the Glafs, 
 Let Wine and Velfel down the Gullet pafs. 
 
 Nor Brutes at this Extravagance arrive, 
 
 Nor Peafant Hinds fuch horrid Scenes contrive; 
 ’Tis Man, that Bead; of Reafon ! only he ; 
 
 And more than that, your Man of Quality. 
 
 Unfetter’d by Morality and Rules, 
 
 Leave ev’ry nice Didin&ion to the Schools: 
 Enquire what Lengths of Folly have been run, 
 Of all the Folly underneath the Sun, 
 
 And moft magnificently perfevere, 
 
 In all that’s vain, ridiculous, or queer. 
 
 O 4 
 
 If 
 
200 G ROBIANUS. Book III. 
 
 If thy Companions, in a fober Mood, 
 
 Refufe to be by this Example rude, 
 
 Nor take in fuch Barbarity Delight, 
 
 Nor dare to drink to that exalted Height; 
 Maintain your Caufe, difdaining to retire, 
 
 And bravely heave the noble Frolick higher. 
 
 Call forth the largeft Flagon; gulp amain: 
 
 The fecond Bumper let your Neighbour drain. 
 
 No vulgar Bowl, which pleas’d in Days of Yore, 
 When you from dear Debauchery forbore. 
 
 But lbme vail Vefiel, of fufficient Size 
 To wet your thirfty Throat, and bung your Eyes. 
 Some Goblet, ne’er till now to Table brought, 
 
 Which brings all Brobdignag before your Thought. 
 
 A Bafon for the Hands the Mouth may fit, 
 
 FiriT fill with Wine and after empty it. 
 
 2 
 
 And 
 
20 I 
 
 Chap. II. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 And circumfpe&ly fearch the Houfe around, 
 Velfels, in a well-furnifh’d Houle, abound. 
 
 Gay painted Buckets dangle high in Air, 
 
 The Kettle and the Pot, a fable Pair, 
 
 Some lowly Cavern feek, and mourn in fecret 
 
 [there. 
 
 The Mailer of the Dome, a happy Man, 
 
 Wants neither Mug nor Jug, nor Frying-pan ; 
 Nor Tub, nor Hoglhead of ftupendous Frame, 
 Nor leathern Bottle of immortal Fame : 
 
 Whate’er you find in any dirty Holes, 
 
 Bring out and ufe for fupplemental Bowls, 
 
 In cafe no other Utenfil is nigh, 
 
 Which may the Province of a Bowl fupply, 
 
 Then ufe the Sh—pot, foul as foul can be. 
 
 But then I beg you wou’d not drink to me. 
 
 Anon, no courteous Pledger can be found. 
 
 But ev’ry Sot lies prollrate on the Ground, 
 
 Then, 
 
202 
 
 G R O B I A N u s. Book III. 
 
 Then, then, infult this vanquish'd Herd of Swine, 
 Egregious is this Victory of thine ! 
 
 Compleat the Triumph with a grand Intrigue, 
 
 And imitate inimitable Teague. ^ 
 
 To ev’ry Mouth by Turns the Funnel guide, 
 
 Let Streams of Wine, thro’ pewter Channels, glide, 
 Adown the Throats of all the drunken Clan, 
 Whofe Arms no more can elevate the Can. 
 
 In our bad Age, ’twill ne’er be judg’d amifs, 
 
 To do a brutal Injury like this: 
 
 Then drench ’em all, without Remorfe or Pity ; 
 
 Be this the final Scene in your Committee. 
 
 Beneath the Load of Food when Nature bends ? 
 And a whole Tun of Wine the Gut extends. 
 
 No 
 
 -f- A Character in the Committee , or the Faithful Irijhman. When¬ 
 ever this Comedy is reprefented, the Gentlemen of the u; per Gallery 
 are exceedingly delighted with feeing Teague funnel Obadiah. Which 
 verifies the following Obfervation, 
 
 In our bad Age'twill ne'er bejudgd amifs, 
 
 To do a brutal Injury like this. 
 

 Chap. II. Grobianus. 
 
 203 
 
 No Thanks return in high heroic Phrafe, 
 Whene’er you pleafe, I prithee, go your Ways. 
 
 But vilify your Hod before you go, 
 
 And as the flying Parthians wound their Foe, 
 Wound you your Friend from whom you now de- 
 
 [part. 
 
 To move his Paflions try the Force of Art. 
 
 Arraign his homely Chear, his Want of Skill, 
 
 And fwear no Day was ever fpent fo ill. 
 
 The Butler’s Turn is next, who did not bring 
 Good Wine, or any other goodly Thing. 
 
 In the levered Mould your Vilage cad, 
 
 And feem difpleas’d with all, from fird to lad. 
 
 In Hopes of better Things from Home I mov’d, 
 “ But ah ! how vain thofe Expectations prov’d ? 
 
 In Qued of Food, no more abroad I’ll roam, 
 
 *i Since Plenty feldom can be found from Home. 
 
 This 
 
204 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 This Fiction with the Face of Truth imprefs, 
 And counterfeit the PalTion you profefs: 
 
 Then, when you find his Inclination fwell, 
 Betake you to your Heels while all is well. - 
 
 Yet on the Morrow, let your Voice be meek. 
 His Aid, his Love, his Reconcilement feek; 
 With gentle Words your angry Hoft cajole. 
 
 And try the foft Approaches to his Soul. 
 
 Smiling from thee to him transfer the Blame, 
 How fmall a Sparkle does his Wrath inflame ? 
 
 Alledge whate’er was adted, done, or fpoke, 
 Was only Banter, Ra’llery, and Joke. 
 
 At this, your fierce Opponent drops his Suit, 
 
 Or owns himlelf a moft unfocial Brute : 
 
 In one fliort Hour, or lefs, his Rage is o’er. 
 
 And he that Friend he always was before. 
 
 At 
 
Chap. III. Grob ian us. 
 
 205 
 
 At Night a fplendid Supper he’ll prepare. 
 
 Thou, for thy Wit, /halt be invited there, 
 
 And feaft more nobly than a new Lord-Mayor. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 Of Bantering , and how to bear with it ; 
 Encouragement to fart , and hawk , and /pit ; 
 
 To anfwer Hfueflions in a proper lVa)\ 
 
 And other Men s Epiftles to J'urvey. 
 
 ANY there are, who place their chief De- 
 
 [light 
 
 In bitter Scoffs, and Repartees that bite; 
 Believe that Sneering is a Mark of Senfe, 
 
 And never laugh, but at a Friend’s Expence : 
 
 We not for this difparage them the more, 
 
 Noj let ’em laugh, till all their Friends are /ore. 
 
 t . 
 
 But if thy Neighbours, impudently free, 
 
 Wou’d hurl the Thunder of the Laugh at thee, 
 
 This is what fhou’d not, cannot, mu/t not be. 
 
 With 
 
206 G r o B I A N u s. Book III* 
 
 With fiery Eyes, and with contracted Brows, 
 
 And fure Prefages of impending Blows, 
 
 Make thou thy wrathful Indignation knov/d, 
 They’ll chufe to let an angry Man alone. 
 
 If Wrath fhou’d not avail, if yet they joke, J 
 This Anfwer make to all who thus provoke: 
 
 “ My Father once petition’d for a Fool, 
 
 “To fpend the tedious Hours in Ridicule, 
 
 “ The Gods of Laughter heard his pious Pray’r 
 “ And fent him me, his eldeft Son and Heir. 
 
 “ Like him, at Random dart no more thy Wit, 
 
 “ As Madmen Stones, not caring whom they hit: 
 tc Beget thee Sons, at whom to laugh thy Fill j 
 “ For ’tis their Duty not to take it ill. 
 
 Roar this aloud, the Wags {hall then be dumb, 
 
 \ 
 
 And thou fecure from Jefls for Time to come. 
 
 Whoe’er 
 
 2 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. 
 
 207 
 
 Whoe’er in Banter offers Half a Crown, 
 As loon as e’er he lays the Money down, 
 Accept his friendly Dole without 9. Frown. 
 That you get Money is a needful Talk, 
 
 But how you get it none will ever afk. 
 
 From others alfo learn the prudent Way. 
 
 To bandy Word for Word a^s well as they : 
 
 To all your Friends be liberal of Breath, 
 
 Let none depart, till almoff vex’d to Death : 
 
 And vainly prattle of your own Affairs, 
 
 And cheat, with airy Promifes, their Ears. 
 
 (So mighty Monarchs promife mighty Things, 
 
 And nought is cheaper than the Word of K—-) 
 
 But break your Word, or never hope for Praife, 
 
 From thofe that tread the Court’s myderious Maze. 
 
 A 
 
 + Mr. Gulliver tells us, in his Account of forr.e European Courts ; 
 that when a Great Man makes you a Promife, there is no furer Token 
 that he intends to do nothing for you; efpecially, if he confirm that 
 Promife by an Oath ; after which, the petitioner’s Cafe is look’d upon 
 as dcfperate, by all Perfons who know any 'i liing of the World. 
 
 Gulliver's Travels. 
 
Grobianus, 
 
 Book III. 
 
 '4 
 
 A Place with honourable Folks you get. 
 
 And fide by fide with Maids or Matrons fit $ 
 
 Now let a Fizzle fieal in Silence forth, 
 
 (Silent as Chaos before Motion's Birth;) 
 
 A thoufand Stinks their odious Atoms blend. 
 
 And flily to the fcornful Nofe afcend. 
 
 Then, fafe from all Sufpicion, all Offence* 
 
 Make ftridt Enquiry, what the Smell, and whence ? 
 Loudly of this the fofter Sex accufe. 
 
 O’er each fair Face a ruddy Warmth diffufe ; 
 
 The crimfon Dye, concomitant of Shame, 
 
 Shall here imaginary Guilt proclaim. 
 
 Or to a Lap-Dog, if within the Room* 
 
 Transfer this loathfome pefiilential Fume : 
 
 Your Honour gathers all the Breath of Fame, 
 
 If Button or my Lady bears the Blame. 
 
 & 
 
 ■V - .v : >> > -■> ' % * v 
 
 While 
 
•w 
 
 Chap. III. G ROBIANUS* 20 
 
 While for thy Crimes they fuffer, not their own, 
 Each fnuffs the Stench, and all their Lot bemoan, 
 But you, th* ingenious Author, red: unknown; 
 
 Now from thy Lungs hawk up the phlegmy Load* 
 Produc’d by Drinking and Excefs of Food : 
 
 When to the Mouths of feme thefe Humours rife* 
 Long in their Mouths the plenteous Mucus lies; 
 
 Oft with their ropy Tongues they roll the Slime* 
 Nor fpit the Matter out, before its Time; 
 
 That this is much in Vogue full well I know* 1 
 But only guefs the Reafon why ’tis fo. 
 
 At Sights like thefe Spectators ftand aghaft* 
 
 And reaching render back their whole Repaft % 
 Since ’tis a naufeous Deed as Man can do* 
 
 It amply recommends itfelf to you ; 
 
 If thefe defiring Eyes that Sight fhould fee. 
 
 You*!! need no Herald of your Praife but mc< 
 
 P 
 
 ill 
 
210 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 I’ll wifh befides, and wifh with all my Heart, 
 That Slime may never from your Mouth depart: 
 May never Drench your tainted Carcafe fcour, 
 
 But your pernicious Lungs rot half a Grain an 
 
 [Hour. 
 
 Mean while, thy faithful Friends, or aged Sire, 
 Of thee, concerning many Things, enquire : 
 
 Reply not, till fome Length of Time is o’er. 
 
 Let Friends or Father ask three times or more ; 
 Then, as if late entranc’d, now fcarce awake. 
 Some Anfwer, foreign to the Purpofe, make. 
 
 Who anfwer quick, before their Judgment cools, 
 The World and I agree to call ’em Fools. 
 
 When you’re about to fpeak, be fure to bear 
 In mind your Station, Rank, and Character; 
 
 Let one, fo vers’d in Rhetorick, difdain 
 
 / 
 
 A low, concife, intelligible Strain: 
 
 Non- 
 
Chap. III. Grobianus. 21 I 
 
 p 
 
 Nonfenfe to thee (her Votary,) affords 
 A barren Superfluity of Words. 
 
 Long Prefaces and long Digreffions make. 
 
 Such roving Eloquence will furely take. 
 
 Since you no proper Argument have got. 
 
 Why, prate of any Thing, no matter what; 
 
 The Fate of Priam , and the Fall of Troy i 
 Or Wars which did the Pumck State annoy, > 
 And Hannibal and Carthage both at laft deffroy. 
 Trace the long Glories of triumphant Rome , 
 
 And roufe her fleeping Warriors from the Tomb : 
 Harangue of yove , and Jove 1 s eternal Laws, 
 
 The World’s Original, and Nature’s Caufe j 
 What fhook the Firmament, and whence begun 
 The Dance of Planets round the radiant Sun ; 
 When ev’ry Ear is cloy’d with idle Prate, 
 
 Then give your Verdidt on the main Debate. 
 
 Show thofe that ffrive to interrupt your Speech^ 
 You re qualify’d as well to fcold as preach : 
 
 P a 
 
 And 
 
2 12 G R O B I A N U 8, Book III. 
 
 And thus exclaim, “ O ignorant of Good ! 
 h Say, is it thus you honour noble Blood ? 
 
 “ What Mafter taught thee ? (Wretch!) what 
 
 [Rules enjoin 
 
 £t To interrupt luch Eloquence as mine? 
 
 xt O Shame! where is thy Blufh ?—fuch keen 
 
 [Reply 
 
 Shall raife thy Name, and flick it in the Sky. 
 Letters are brought your Friends would read their 
 
 [own. 
 
 And keep their Knowledge to themfelves alone; 
 Thou, clofe behind., what they furvey, furvey 
 With cunning Leer; and know as much as they. 
 The Minion of the Macedonian King, 
 
 Polite Hcphcjiion , did the felf-fame Thing ; 
 
 Which Alexander could not reprehend. 
 
 Nor did, for this, their facred Union end. 
 
 On other Mens Epiflles call your Eyes, 
 
 Nor fear the leafl Reproaches from the Wife : 
 
 Let furly Criticks damn thee if they lift, 
 
 I am not fo fevere a Cafuift. 
 
 Shall 
 
Chap. III. G r OBIANUS. 213 
 
 Shall I the leaft Mifmanagement fufped, 
 
 Where great Examples juftify the Fad; ? 
 
 Is the perfuafive Cicero forgot, 
 
 Conful of Rome , a famous Patriot ? 
 
 He to his Friends wrote Letters, not a few, 
 
 Which feem unfit for univerfal View. 
 
 Yet thofe are all perus’d without Controul, 
 
 And none refents it, not a living Soul: 
 
 By the fame Rule, it fhould be no Offence, 
 
 To read the meaner Works of modern Pens. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
2i4 
 
 Grobianus. Book II 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 How to behave yourfelf a-right , in cafe 
 A-near fome Neighbour's Stove you take your Place, 
 Of particolour'd Vefls , and Vefts differed , 
 
 Of Beards , which Ornaments are not rejected, C 
 How Friends Jhould be receiv'd , and Books in -J 
 
 [fpe£i<d. 
 
 S OME Men, too fond of unfubftantial Praife, 
 Endeavour to be wife in all their Ways; 
 Thefe enter not their Comrade’s Houfe, before 
 Their Fingers very gently tap the Door : 
 
 The Door is open— -yet they’ll not advance, 
 They need no other Barr than Complaifance 5 
 But notify their Coming by the Sound, 
 
 Left in a Diftiabiile their Hoft be found. 
 
 They fear to interrupt him in his Pray’rs, 
 
 Or catch him at—his Family Affairs. 
 
 And 
 
Chap. IV. G r O B I A N U S. 
 
 215 
 
 And tho’, in thefe Proceedings, we admit 
 Much Manners, mingled with a little Wit, 
 
 Yet, notwithstanding this, when you intend 
 A Vifit to fome old experienc’d Friend, 
 
 From vulgar Rules, with brave Diforder, part, 
 Nor fuffer Morals to debauch your Heart: 
 
 The Gate is open, and the Paffage free, 
 
 RuSh in: your Friendship is a lawful Plea, 
 
 To Steal upon him unawares, and view 
 What he wou’d hide from all, but moSt from you. 
 Frelh Matter thou Shalt gain, at which to fneer. 
 And to thy Friend thyfelf the more endear. 
 
 When wint’ry BlaSts benumb the Pealant’s Feet, 
 Thy Neighbour’s Kitchen yields a fafe Retreat $ 
 How lov’d, how honour’d, there it matters not, 
 To whom related, or by whom begot ; 
 
 4 
 
 With haSty Steps approach the chearful Fire, 
 (Fingers and Toes an equal Warmth require) 
 
 P 4 Then 
 
216 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 Then d’off the Brogues which did thy Feet infold’ 
 Which did but ill defend ’em frorn the Cold; 
 
 Thy Shoes put off, the Blaze fhall not be loft, 
 
 But warm thy Feet, and diftipate the Froft. 
 
 Check not the native Freedom of the Mind, 
 
 D off both your Stockings if you’re fo inclin’d; 
 
 I fee no Sort of Reafon to forbid it, 
 
 As Shakefpeare -f* fays, “ They cannot fay I did it. 
 Let both your Stockings near the Pot-hook fwing, 
 Sufpended no mean Recompence they bring, 
 
 Since frequent Stinks the wholfome Air prophane, 
 And difcompofe the Crafts of the Brain, 
 
 Thy reeking Stockings yield a fragrant Smell, 
 
 And frefh Fffluvia {ball the ftale expell. 
 
 Nofes no more in Tears of Snot lament. 
 
 Nor loathfome Vapours to the Brain be lent: 
 
 By 
 
 f Macbeth. 
 
Chap. IV. G r o b I A N U S. 2ij 
 
 By Arts like thefe, the Learned and the Wife 
 Corredt offendve Smells, and fweeten all the Skies. 
 
 , 7 j »{ ••• jr* - % ■’■ i 
 
 5 v> '- 1 •* g l ■ ■*- - ■ l « L - e ** ' - •' 
 
 The red: are angry : Why fhould you be fad > 
 The World’s good Word is never to be had. 
 
 Since all Men can’t be pleas’d, thy Care alone 
 Shou’d be to prove agreeable to none. 
 
 And wilt thou then endeavour, tho’ in fpite 
 Of Nature and the Stars, to give Delight ? 
 
 Betimes your proper Bent of Genius fee, 
 
 Nor vainly wifh for that which cannot be. 
 
 You leave unwillingly the friendly Stove, 
 
 When Bus’nefs calls upon thee to remoye : 
 
 Now learn, by reading our indxudtive Page, 
 
 To tread fecure from cruel Winter’s Rage : 
 
 To fhield from pinching Frod: thy tender Feet, 
 And brave the miry Dangers of the Street. 
 
 With 
 
218 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 With Straw your wide unwieldy Shoes extend, 
 A grateful Glowing ihall your Soles attend : 
 
 Let yellow Fringes overtop the Shoe, 
 
 Why fhould we not be feen in what we do ? 
 
 All, all regard with reverential Awe, 
 
 And own thee for a mighty Man of Straw ; 
 
 Their Love of thee, and Fear of taking Cold, 
 
 Shall multiply the Deed ten-thouland Fold. 
 
 A patch’d and particolour’d Garment wear. 
 Such pye-ball’d Drelfes make the Vulgar flare : 
 Nature herfelf delights in various Dyes, 
 
 Since Nature dictates, let no Doubts arife. 
 
 Who lives, as die directs, is free from Strife, 
 
 And unbewilder’d in the Maze of Life ; 
 
 Then follow her: on all Occadons, fhe 
 Can fhew what is and is not Decency. 
 
 When 
 
Chap. IV. G ROB IAN US. 2 I 9 
 
 When the celeftial Bow, in comely Pride, 
 
 Is ibretch’d a-crofs the Sky, from Side to Side, > 
 Are not the Rays of Light diverfify’d ? ^ 
 
 Obferve the Plumes of Fowls, the Forms of Plants, 
 And Gems, which gorgeous India never wants: 
 
 Where’er Creation’s ample Range extends, 
 
 ** > • 
 
 Her various Colours plaftick Nature blends. 
 
 With various Colours multiform, all Things 
 She paints : And Order from Diforder fprings. 
 
 Men pink’d their Garments many Years ago, 
 And fure they made a very goodly Show; 
 
 Our Verfe fhall teach (if liich a Verfe remain) 
 
 ’Tis fit to put in Practice once again. 
 
 Shall brand ’em all, for foolifh, dull, precife, 
 Whofe tatter’d Robes difcover not their Thighs. 
 
 But if thy Coat’s all ragged, rent, and torn, 
 (Rent like the Placket of immortal Joan) 
 
 \ 
 
 That 
 
2 20 G R O B I A N U S. Book III. 
 
 That Coat, which feems a very ancient Coat, 
 
 Shall then your antient Family denote. 
 
 By many a Wound, that yawns throughout the-. 
 
 [Prize, / 
 
 You may be thought a Soldier, if you pleafe; > 
 For Soldiers wear fuch ragged Robes as thefe. J 
 
 Where'er you go, remarkably fevere. 
 
 More gruff than antient Sophi ever were \ 
 
 Let fullen Gravity bedeck thy Face, 
 
 With comely Terror mix’d, and frowning Grace. 
 Nor deign to laugh, till Reafon quits the Helm, 
 And Floods of Ale thy Veffel overwhelm : 
 
 It feems, as if no trivial Cares you feel. 
 
 But private Yearnings for thepublick Weal; 
 
 On all thy Deeds Men gape with vafl: Regard, 
 
 And render Gravity its due Reward. 
 
 But 
 
Chap. IV. G R O E 1 A N U S. 
 
 22 1 
 
 But when, on Bus’nefs of a publick Sort, 
 
 To the fame Place both Old and Young refort; 
 One reads the Mail, with Voice didinft and clear, 
 On Purpofe that the Standers-by may hear: 
 
 To each new Thing your itching Ear incline, 
 Altho’ ’tis not the lead Concern of thine: 
 
 Yet, if it fhou’d not fuit thy private Tade, 
 
 Then take Occafion to didurb the red:: 
 
 Then, rudick, uncontroulable, and rude, 
 
 With fome unfeafonable Jokes intrude, 
 
 More noify thou than all the Multitude : 
 
 \ 9 
 
 To intercept them, dretch thy Lungs and roar, 
 Hearing fhall ceafe, and Mem’ry be no more. 
 
 Say, wou’dd thou merit more and more Regard ? 
 Cherifh, on both thy Cheeks, a bridly Beard: 
 
 i 
 
 Let on thy Lip, thy upper Lip, arife 
 Mudachio’s, far beyond the vulgar Size $ 
 
 O’er 
 
222 
 
 Grobianus. Book IIL 
 
 O’er all thy Mouth their hairy Umbrage fpread. 
 Of beardlefs Boys the Wonder and the Dread! 
 Great are the Benefits, when Beards are long; 
 (Believe me, for I never told thee wrong) 
 
 The Mug may have fome fedimental Grout, 
 
 Nor you be wife enough to find it out; 
 
 This, with the Wine, if Whiskers were away, 
 Wou’d down into the Belly force its Way ; 
 
 This, now, the Liquor to the Beard refigns. 
 Works itfelf clear, and, as it runs, refines. 
 
 We know befides, that Laughter mifbecomes 
 
 * 
 
 Foul furry Teeth, and canker-eaten Gums; 
 
 But when thou haft thefe monflrousWhifkersgot,-* 
 We give thee Leave to laugh: For then (I wot) > 
 Nor Gums are feen to bleed, nor Teeth to rot. 
 
 Whene’er you take it in your Head, to treat 
 On Arguments of more than common Weight, 
 
 You’ll 
 
 i 
 
Chap. IV. G r o b i a n u s. 223 
 
 You’ll find your Beard no fmall Attention draws ; 
 While you, at ev’ry Sentence, wifely paufe 
 To twirl the Ringlets, which in Order grow. 
 
 On each Side waving popularly low : 
 
 Such Majefty the willing World adore, 
 
 And much extol your Beard, your Wifdom more. 
 
 In cafe you write to any learned Friend, 
 
 To tell him what you really intend ; 
 
 It cannot be amifs to blur the Letter 
 
 With Spots of fundry Sorts ; the more the better. 
 
 Reject that cleanly Error, which appears 
 
 * 
 
 So fair, of making perfedt Characters ; 
 
 Nor let the leaft Degree of Skill be fpy’d, 
 
 Where half the Skill is decently to hide : 
 
 Shou’d Art appear in Letters I receive, 
 
 I hate to read, and never dare believe. 
 
 What- 
 
224 GrOBIANUSj Book III* 
 
 Whate’er you read, the better to ingraff 
 In Mem’ry ev’ry ufeful Paragraph, l 
 With Lines all memorable Matters interlace, 
 
 From End to End the Leaves with Blots deface : 
 This do, when God bellows the Grace, to look 
 Or in your own, or any other Book. 
 
 If diftant Friends, thro’ many a miry Road^ 
 Shou’d to the Threfhold of your known Abode 
 Arrive as Gueils; of chearful Looks beware. 
 
 Nor even fay you’re glad to fee ’em there. 
 
 For if you give ’em Reafon to prefume 
 Their Company is better than their Room, 
 
 They’ll often come to fee fo kind a Friend, 
 
 And of your vain Expence appears no End, 
 
 . •’ < \'.-v 4 . . 
 
 Doll thou receive 'em ? Heat with Wine their 
 
 [Brain* ? 
 
 Till all forget their very Chriftian Names 
 
 To 
 
 I 
 
225 
 
 Chap* IV. Grobianus. 
 
 To make ’em welcome is, to make’em fpUe, 
 
 The nobleft Thing a good old Friend can do ! 
 
 Towr’d his own Manfion each intends to ride. 
 And buckles his Toledo to his Side ; 
 
 Let it not pleafe thee to difmifs them fo. 
 
 However they intreat for Leave to go; 
 
 Arreft them in the Middle of their Courfe, 
 
 Detain ’em longer (tho’ it is by Force) 
 
 And fill another Bumper : That fhall be 
 A Pledge of unextinguifh’d Amity. 
 
 • v; v ■ * .. ' - 
 
 You for your Chamber and foft Couch prepare,' 
 The Mufe would willingly attend you there j 
 And tuck you in, and then put out the Light, 
 
 And tell you what Behaviour fuits the Night i 
 We’ll not be fo exaCt, for we conjecture 
 Nought proves mores tedious thana Curtain-LeCture. 
 
 CL. By 
 
226 G ROBIANUS. Book III. 
 
 By this one Rule your Deeds of Darknefs frame, 
 
 <c Be uniform ; be Night and Day the fame. 
 
 If with a Load of Homily opprefs’d, 
 
 You’d now compofe your weary Limbs to reft. 
 Indulge, without Reftraint, the fleepy Fit, 
 
 Devoid of Fear, but more devoid of Wit. 
 
 c 
 
 Mean while, ye Mufes open all your Spring ! 
 Some great Examples we intend to fing, > 
 
 Of Men that never did a decent Thing. 
 
 My Pupil reads ’em, when the Noon of Day 
 Has chas’d his Morning Slumbers far away; 
 
 From thefe a certain Rule of Life he draws, 
 
 Nor we lament our unregarded Laws; 
 
 For thefe, as well as thofe, are all defign’d 
 To form the Manners and improve the Mind. 
 
Chap. V* G R o b i a n u s. 
 
 217 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 ,i "1 y C »' • • ; I A >.» 
 
 Recounts fome fiw Examples commendable f 
 Of elegant Deportment when at Table. 
 
 A 
 
 Certain Youth was, to a Wedding Feaflj 
 X JL Not long ago, invited as a Gueft; 
 
 Loofe were the Boots in which his Feet he thruft, 
 
 And cover’d o’er with inoffenhve Duft: 
 
 He adds a Spur, to mend his Horfe’s Speed, 
 And hides his rufty Rowel in the Steed; 
 
 Yet to the Bridegroom’s Houfe belated came, 
 For with one Foot Bucephalus was lame. 
 
 The fnoWfwhite damafk Enfigns are difplay’d* 
 And on the Board the ready Supper laid 
 The Guefts, in Order, feated all around 
 Booted and fpurr’d, to Table runs the Clown > 
 
 A Lady bright makes Way to do him Grace, 
 And there fquats he, unworthy fuch a Place ! 
 
 0~3 
 
 To 
 
228 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 To fpoil the fattefl Hen our Youth was bid, 
 
 And this anon he literally did : 
 
 No Carving, no Anatomy he knew, 
 
 Nor what was fit, nor what unfit to do ; 
 
 Tho’ inexpert, he yet refolves to try, 
 
 Cuts off the Wings for fear the Fowl fhould fly : 
 
 r • » » « » • -.y f 
 
 The Body to the Fair would fain prefent. 
 
 But underneath the Table down it went; 
 
 There lies th’ abandon’d Fowl, without a Wing, 
 
 A fhapelefs Carcafe and a namelefs Thing. 
 
 Abaflfd he ftood, and, to correct his Fault, 
 
 On the hard Floor the tender Pullet fought; 
 
 Bending to lift it, his perfidious Bum 
 
 Out-flunk a Carrion, and out-roar’d a Drum : 
 
 His honefl Face Confufion overfpread. 
 
 He from the future Entertainment fled ; 
 
 Alas! we'flink the more, the more we flir, 
 
 Faff in the Cloth transfix’d, his iron Spur 
 
 cT ’ s 
 
 Drags 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. .229 
 
 Drags the rich Supper violently down. 
 
 The Supper and the Lights befmear the Ground. 
 
 A loaded Side-board flopp’d the narrow Pafs, 
 With various Wines in Tenements of Glafs ; 
 
 This to the Floor with eager Hafle he threw, 
 
 The brittle Bottles into Shivers flew. 
 
 A Servant met him at the Parlour Door, 
 
 Some frefh Recruits of Food the Servant bore j 
 Here as he rufhes, furious in his Courfe, 
 
 He ftrikes againft the Man with all his Force ; 
 
 The Dainties very fairly overturns. 
 
 Remounts his hobbling Steed and Home again 
 
 [returns. 
 
 Him for a ready Sample we produce, 
 
 From whence you’ll gather many Things of Ufe ; 
 Tho’ he was more unfortunate than rude. 
 
 Nor duly with Brutality endu’d. 
 
 Another 
 
2 *0 , G r o 3 i k n u s ; . Book III, 
 
 i \* v 
 
 Another Man (no matter for his Name) 
 
 Did at another Time a Fead proclaim ; 
 
 i ■ 
 
 The bell he cou’d for Love or Money get \ 
 
 \ * • k ; . . ♦ -V ■* - H 
 
 His Gueds were all in decent Order fet, 
 
 » • > 1 j , 
 
 A ’Squire and noble Matron mingled Thighs, 
 
 • * , « i. . 
 
 For fo the Statutes in that Cafe advife j 
 When, lo! a Carp, no mean Plebeian Didi, 
 
 Was plac’d befide ’em in a lordly Difli, 
 
 With Temper noble, with Deportment grave. 
 The Fife’s Head he to the Matron gave. 
 
 She feem’d well-pleas’d with fuch delicious Fare, 
 And did at Pleafure piddle here and there : 
 
 Picking the Bones was what fhe cou’d not do, 
 
 She quite forgot it, or fhe never knew 5 
 (To prove exacd in all we find it hard, 
 
 Great is the Labour, little the Reward) 
 
 She rather chofe to drop it on the Floor, 
 
 To be by greedy Dogs in Pieces tore y 
 
 No 
 
Chap. V. G ROBIANUS. 23I 
 
 No doubt the Whelps, in fuch Affairs expert, 
 Wou’d foon have ate it by the Rules of Art j 
 But now the Donor caff a cafual Glance, 
 
 And ill endur’d his Neighbour’s Ignorance. 
 
 The flighted Head he lifted from the Ground,, 
 Then bellow’d thus, in fcarce a human Sound, 
 
 “ Doft thou not blufli ? O Woman void of Senfe ? 
 <c Doft thou not blufli at fuch a foul Offence ? 
 
 “ This Part we gave, accounting this the belt, 
 
 “ And meant to honour thee beyond the reft; 
 
 “ Nor gave it to be call beneath the Board, 
 
 “ But fince unpick’d it fhou’d have been reftor’d. 
 To this Inditement not a Word fhe faid, 
 
 But in her Bofom funk her guilty Head. 
 
 Now tell me (gentle Reader) if you can. 
 
 Who heft behav’d, the Woman, or the Man ? 
 
 Q_4 
 
 A noble 
 
2 J2 
 
 Grobianus. Book IK. 
 
 A noble Lord was once invited forth 
 To Dinner by a Citizen of Worth, 
 
 I • ► »■ ., 
 
 He came: and, at his Coming, found fuch Cheer 
 As in the Palaces of Prince or Peer: 
 
 Fowls of the Air, and Fifhes of the Sea, 
 
 And Butcher’s Meat in vaft Variety: 
 
 Our Cit, to pleafe his Lordfhip, from the Difh, 
 ^ out, with both his Hands, a goodly Fifh, 
 Which in his Lordfhip’s Plate had been bellow’d. 
 But his unlucky Fingers dropp’d the Load j 
 His Boot receiv’d it falling: his Jack Boot, 
 
 The fable Cover of a fweaty Foot! 
 
 * f r , ^ 
 
 He took it up, and gave his noble Guefl, 
 
 Whom, in the following Speech, he thus addreft. 
 Making bad worfe : “ Rejeft it not, my Lord! 
 
 <c It fell upon the Boot, and not the Board ; 
 tl From thence, I’m fure, it cou’d receive no Hurt, 
 “ The Boots have not a fingle Speck of Dirt; 
 
 ' ’-■? My 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 233 
 
 f< My own Japanner wip’d ’em clean and neat, 
 
 “ Before he dar’d to put ’em on my Feet. 
 
 With many Words he urg’d the noble Peer, 
 
 To tafte the Fifh, and banifii all his Fear; 
 
 But him no Prayers nor Arguments can move. 
 
 He flill refills, his Ears are flopp’d by Jove. 
 
 A famous Man fat down, to drink and eat 
 With a rich Noble at his Country Seat , 
 
 The Peer, to honour fuch a worthy Gueft, 
 
 Gave him abetter Pittance than the reft: 
 
 To feize the Part he ftretch’d his Fingers wide, 
 (Let none his Incivility deride j 
 Or dare to think him an ungainly Man) 
 
 / 
 
 But as he badly held it in his Hand, 
 
 It fell, and baulk’d him in his wife Defign. 
 
 He fopp’d his Dinner in a Bowl of Wine; 
 
 Then drew his Knife, and driving with the Blade, 
 To fifh it put, his Hands deny’d their Aid : 
 
 , f* 'if 
 
 V '- L '' - 
 
 Trem- 
 
234 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 Trembling, the Bowl of Wine he overthrows. 
 
 And now, behold ! a dreadful Deluge flows; 
 
 The Meat and Wine, with unrefifted Force, 
 Adown the genial Board precipitate their Courfe; 
 A purple Blufhing overfpreads his Face, 
 
 And fure that Blufhing was a Sign of Grace: 
 
 He ow’d his Crime, O rigid Fate ! to thee. 
 
 Impute his Error to your own Decree, 
 
 Not to th« Didlates of Simplicity, 
 
 Reader ! do thou by him Example take: 
 
 He was indeed predefin’d to miftake, 
 
 4 f ' ' 
 
 Such Blunders let it be thy Care to make. 
 
 When Art, and Care, and Diligence are fhown, 
 Whate’er we do may well be call’d our own; 
 What happens elfe, as Dry den f wifely fays, 
 
 Is fortunesWork, and Fortune takes the Praife. 
 
 Another 
 
 ** *• K J ■ •" • ■ * * “ } i * ' ■ 1 - • > * 
 
 t Torrifmondy in the Span ft-Friar, ufes this Expreffion. 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 2 35 
 
 Another Man I knew, whofe Knife was blunt. 
 
 Nor did difcharge the Duties it were wont; 
 
 (A roafted Harilet on the Table flood) 
 
 The Inttruments of all the red: were good ; 
 
 > 
 
 *• . 
 
 They cramn’d fo much, he fwoon’d with deadly 
 
 [Fear 
 
 To fee the End of all his Dinner near; 
 
 At length, collected in himfelf he ttood, 
 
 r \ 
 
 And from the middle Difh took the beft Bit he cou’d : 
 Then fquats his Elbow on th’ enormous Slice, 
 
 It cou’d be held no fatter in a Vice. 
 
 He now has got it fully at Command, 
 
 And rends it piecemeal with his other Hand ; 
 
 Altho’ his Knife its wonted Office fails, 
 
 Our mighty Hero’s thund’ring Arm prevails. 
 
 Then, in the Difh, he lays the Remnant down, 
 
 For fear of being thought a country Clown : 
 Placing before his Friends the mangled Meat, 
 
 That they with eager Appetites might eat, 
 
 Did 
 
236 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 Did I invent the Tale ? I’Faith not I; 
 
 What Good were got by telling of a Lye ? 
 
 Vice with fuch Giant Strides comes on amain. 
 Invention drives to be before in vain • 
 
 Feign what you will, and paint it e’er fo drong. 
 Some filthy Glutton far exceeds the Song. 
 
 Before one Table, Man and Mader fat. 
 
 It was a Stranger’s Houfe they both were at 3 
 Where din’d Curmudgeons of no fmall Renown, 
 Men of Edate, and Rulers of the Town ; 
 
 To help himfelf each for a while delay’d, 
 
 Led he his Neighbour’s Dignity invade : 
 
 Each all his Motions carefully obferves. 
 
 Nor cares to be the foremod Man that carves. 
 
 The Servant’s Hunger urges him to eat a 
 
 v 1 jL 
 
 His greedy Fingers itch to feize the Meat; 
 
 1 
 
 “ Tis 
 
2 37 
 
 Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 “ *Tis right the Rage of Hunger to reprefs, 
 
 “ Too long have I complain’d ofEmptinefs; 
 
 “ My barking Stomach fome Relief demands — 
 
 He faid: And in the Platter thruft his Hands, 
 
 Seizing the choiceft Bit, without Reproof, 
 
 To his own proper Ufe and foie Behoof. 
 
 Such rude Behaviour fir’d his Mailer’s Soul, 
 
 And his Face kindled like a burning Coal; 
 
 He blufhes for his Man, becaufe the Elf 
 
 Has not the Grace of blulhing for himfelf: 
 
 He nods, and winks, and beckons once or twice; 
 
 And then obfcurely mutters this Advice, 
 
 “ Back to the Dilh the ravifh’d Food reflore, 
 
 “ Stay Chops: Your Betters fhould be ferv’d before. 
 
 The Servant law his angry Mailer wink, 
 
 But notwithllanding knew not what to think ; 
 
 A mighty Morfel in his Mouth he roll’d. 
 
 Scarce his Alforges'\o.Gtf& the mighty Morfel hold. 
 
 He 
 
 * ■ . 
 
 f Alforges is a Word commonly ufed, to fignify the Cheeks of a 
 Monkey. 
 
238 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 He vomits out his Victuals in a Fright, 
 
 And thinks his Mafter’s Will perform’d aright i 
 But when he finds him beckon more and more, 
 
 He dallies the Remainder on the Floor. 
 
 For fince no Mortal meddles with the Food, 
 
 He thence conjectures, that it is not good : 
 
 The Thoughts of Poifon make him fore afraid, 
 
 And fudden Death appears in Mafquerade. 
 
 / 
 
 A Cockney once did for a Clown provide, 
 
 By Blood and Friendfhip Both were near ally’d. 
 The Cit was glad to fee his Coufin there, 
 
 He call’d his Neighbours in, to Neighbour’s Fare; 
 He cook’d his Dinner with abundant Art, 
 
 He gave ’em Wine, to fortify the Heart: 
 
 He fmil’d on all his Guefts with equal Grace, 
 
 And each was fet in his appointed Place. 
 
 The Clown, tho’ feated at the lower End, 
 
 In Deeds heroic did the reft tranfcend $ 
 
 1 
 
 Un- 
 
Chap. V. Grobianus. 
 
 2 39 
 
 Unfheath’d his dreadful Knife without Delay, 
 Fraught with the Pudding of a former Day: 
 
 Nor did the Soil efcape the Bumpkin’s Eyes, 
 
 He to his Lips the fordid Blade applies ; 
 
 Wifely, the fordid Blade with Spittle foaks, 
 
 Then on the Table-cloth genteely ftroaks ; 
 
 But when he fees it fhine all beamy bright, 
 
 He lays it near his Plate and wifhes for the Fight, 
 And now my Landlord fpoke to ev’ry Gueft, 
 
 “ Sirs ! help yourfelves with Freedom to the bed;: 
 One Difh a milk-white Loin of Veal contain’d, 
 To which a lovely Kidney appertain’d; 
 
 Our hungry Bumpkin hankers to be at 
 The Kidney, peeping thro’ a Veil of Fat: 
 
 With his broad Knife a wide Incifion made, 
 
 Then on his Loaf the Spoil before him laid, l 
 To fwallow whole together with the Bread. J 
 
 w 
 
 Our Landlord look’d in horrible Difmay, 
 
 Silent at firft ; but Words will find their Way. 
 
 Then 
 
240 GroSI ANUS Book III* 
 
 Then with a Smile-“ Sweet Coz : return the 
 
 [Piece 
 
 * c Which with your Stomach not fo well agrees $ 
 “ Take this, and on your faithful Friend rely, 
 Your Coufin and your Counfellor am I. 
 
 The Bumpkin, in a furly Tone, reply’d, 
 
 Be quiet; lay your filly Cares afide ; 
 
 ‘‘ With Fate contented, I enjoy my Share, 
 
 ‘ £ Nor this to that, nor that to this prefer: 
 
 “ My Hunger finds as certain a Relief, 
 
 “ From Veal or Mutton, as it does from Beef; 
 
 “ Of Veal I want no better Part than this, 
 
 “ Nought with my Stomach ever fits amifs. 
 
 With that the Company began to fneer, _ 
 
 , The Clown ate on without Concern or Fear, v 
 Nor Damage did accrue that ever I cou’d hear. J 
 
 Attend: another Story we begin, 
 
 Tho* not of the fame Kidney, near of Kin. 
 
 With 
 
24 
 
 Chap. V. G R O B I A N U S. 
 
 With many Nobles a Plebeian din’d. 
 
 An Honour far above his lowly Bent of Mind ! 
 
 A Wight he was* in Carving much expert* 
 (Believe me, Carving is a curious Art) 
 
 The Kidney from a Loin of Veal he rends* 
 
 And offers all his honourable Friends; 
 
 But they the Rules of Breeding underflood* 
 
 Each for himfelf effeeming it too good. 
 
 As one by one they put it round and round* 
 
 Patron or IntercefTor none was found. 
 
 To fave it from Deffrudtion’s cruel Jaw, 
 
 And hide it in his hofpitable Maw* 
 
 It travell’d back into the Owner’s Plate, 
 
 He fear’d the Gift was not without Deceit: 
 
 ** Ought I to taffe what others difapprove ? 
 
 “ What others dread what Caufe have I to love ? 
 He laid ; and on the Floor in Anger caff 3 
 So came the Kidney to the Dogs at lafl. 
 
 Fads 
 
 R 
 
242 
 
 Grobi ANU s, Book III. 
 
 Fads I relate, forgive the Bard that lings 
 In rude and filthy Numbers filthy Things. 
 
 A Man of Note (I will not tell ye who. 
 
 For Fear an Information Ihou’d enfue) 
 
 With Dukes or noble Lords in juft Efteem, 
 The Life of Pleafure, and the Soul of Whim ; 
 (Not R — can boaft a fairer Character, 
 
 From powder’d Beaux in Covent-Garden Air) 
 He finds approv’d whatever Pranks are play’d, 
 And all his wonted Waggeries effay’d. 
 
 To mount the Table was he now requir’d. 
 
 And did it quickly being once delir’d; 
 
 Th’ admiring Crowd are dazzled with Surprize, 
 And on his goodly Perfon feed their Eyes ; 
 
 Each ftands a-gape, and propp’d upon his Staff: 
 Expecting fomewhat which deferves a Laugh. 
 
 The 
 
Chap. V. G ROBIANUS, 243 
 
 The Wag to Deeds than Words was more inclin’d. 
 And meditating in his better Mind 
 A mighty Work : to Modefty averfe j 
 He pull’d his Breeches down, and fhew’d his A—. 
 From whence a golden Show’r of Ordure fell, 
 Horrid to think, how horrible to fmell! 
 
 For turning Shame and Virtue out of Doors, 
 
 Much Praife he gain’d and many Louidores * 
 
 Let then the fcandaloufly modeft Man 
 
 Deny this Proportion (if he can) 
 
 ct That Bleffings ever wait on brutifh Deeds^ 
 
 “ A Ipeedy and a fure Reward fucceeds. 
 
 R 2 CHAP. 
 
 * «• 1 
 
244 G R O B I A N u s. Book III. 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 Some more Examples gives ; of making TVater y 
 Of Vomitings and other goodly Matter. 
 
 HEN Guefls on Supper too much Time 
 
 [beftow. 
 
 V 1 Their Urine prdfes for a Vent below; 
 Some Men indeed, whom Shame can overpow’r, 
 By Force will keep it in a tedious Hour; 
 Imprudent Wretches! prodigal of Health, 
 
 They didipate their foie intrinfick Wealth. 
 
 O Friend! fuch foolifh Modefty forbear; 
 
 May Length of Days become your greateft Care ! 
 Get up, tho’ in the Middle of a Feaft, * 
 
 And let your loaded Bladder be releas’d : 
 
 What- 
 
 '* That the learned Reader may be thoroughly appriz’d how bene¬ 
 ficial a due Diicharge of Urine is, in fome Cafes, I have iubjoin’d 
 the following Aphorifm of the divine Ccati ; 'O K oeoii^tv oh, r 
 yueitif titeot zrmyi viTox, ov k'/]ct Mfxip«<r/y 'ZmXXiwTcu, Lu pti 
 -srupe^a c mfofvx aims to Z&v pun. Moreover the celebrated Dr. 
 Baynard tells us in his Hiltory of Cold Baths, that a Strangury, with 
 all its terrible Confequences, will not unfrequently fupcrvene if tve 
 retain our Urine too long. Hyp. Sett. 6. Aph. 44. 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus, 
 
 245 
 
 Whatever Man obftrudts you while you rife, 
 Bid him remove, tho’ noble, grave, and wife. 
 
 Or rather, as you keep your Seat, contrive 
 To let the Current of your Water drive ; 
 
 Till rowling onward with lafcivious Pride, 
 
 All o er the Room the fweet Meanders glide. 
 Severely rigid, and by much too nice, 
 
 Are thofe that deem Rufticity a Vice; 
 
 Learn by a Pattern that the Deed is juft. 
 
 Or, if you trefpafs, you are not the firft. 
 
 To an illuftrious Feaft there fally’d forth 
 A bidden Gueft, of no ignoble Birth : 
 
 In royal Luxury were all Things plac’d. 
 
 And with ambrofial Fare the Tables grac’d. 
 They took their Seats, a Woman and a Man; 
 And foon the hungry Combatants began 
 
 To 
 
i ^.6 Grobianus, Book IIJ. 
 
 To ftorm all Eatables without Remorfe. 
 
 The Youth had fcarce alighted from his Horfe, 
 But he forthwith was fummon’d to appear, 
 
 (In Place befitting his exalted Sphere) 
 
 The Bus’nefs of the Day to profecute ; 
 
 Nor Time allow’d for plucking off a Boot, 
 
 Nor Time to give the fcalding Waters Vent, 
 Which in his Belly were too clofely pent. 
 
 Befide a beauteous Nymph he takes his Seat, 
 
 And thinks his Happinefs is now compleat $ 
 
 But foon the Stripling, to his Coft, fhall find 
 How fleeting are the Joys of Humankind ; 
 
 Shall wifh the hated Feaft were far away. 
 
 And curfe the fad Remembrance of the Day. 
 
 For as exceflive Bowls of Wine he fwill’d. 
 
 His Bladder to the very Neck was fill’d : 
 
 To rife from Table was he fore afraid, 
 
 And bafhful as an unexperienc’d Maid ; 
 
 Long 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 247 
 
 Long ruminating in his filent Bread, 
 
 What Remedy was lead: unfafe and bed. 
 
 But Need increafing as his Bladder fwells, 
 
 He ventures at an Ad his Need compells; 
 
 The Time, the Crowd, the Nature of the Cafe, 
 Confirm’d his Mind, and fortify’d his Face. 
 
 Loofc were his Boots, at thefe he takes his Aim, 
 And thither guides a Thing without a Name; 
 Beneath the Table Nature’s Handmaid lurks, 
 Abetting flily fuch indecent Works: 
 
 While the wet Boots felt an uncommon Load, 
 
 For like a Catarad the Water flow’d. 
 
 ‘"“l 1 -• • 
 
 The Damfel, fitting by his Side, at lad 
 Told him his Brow fliou’d not be overcad; 
 
 She, being unacquainted with the Plot, 
 
 Cry’d, “ Will your Sorrows never be forgot ? 
 
Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 2 48 
 
 And touch’d his Hand, and put him in a Fright, 
 He mov’d his Hand away, and, bolt upright, > 
 Appear’d a moft abominable Sight. J 
 
 Ah! look not Ladies, look not, we advife 
 Left this unhallow’d Scene pollute your holy Eyes. 
 
 The lucklefs Lad ejedts a fhameful Tide, 
 
 ♦ » - • • * * 
 
 O’er Plates and Difhes ftreaming far and wide : 
 
 * • \ * * • ^ 
 
 So when the Flames with lawlefs Pow’r advance, 
 And Houfes fuffer in the fad Mifchance $ 
 
 The Parifh Engine fpouts exceffive Streams, 
 
 To quench the Blaze that runs along the Beams. 
 
 With Heav’n averfe, in an ill-omen’d Hour, 
 The Youth was bidden to the genial Bow’r. 
 
 Long while he fat, the Mark of Ridicule, 
 
 With down-caft Eyes and looking like a Fool : 
 
 Till many Bumpers all his Woes o’ercame, 
 
 And for a Time extinguifh’d Fear and Sham$. 
 
 They’ve 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 249 
 
 They’ve din’d: The Bottle does new Joys infpire. 
 A Dance the Lafles and the Lads require: 
 
 To take a Partner was our Youth compell’d, 
 
 Fair, as the faired: whom the Sun beheld 5 
 He trips it with his Mate, and moves his Foot, 
 
 To the fweet Concord of the trembling Lute: 
 Outrageoully they dance, they beat the Ground, 
 And the gay Dome re-echo’s to the Sound. 
 
 Anon, our Hero’s Boots, well-foak’d with Wafh, 
 At ev’ry Step return’d a dreadful Squalh ; 
 
 The fly Diflembler to the World betray’d. 
 
 Caught in the Filth his Wickednefs had made. 
 Loud was the Din of Laughter thro’ the Hall, 
 
 And one Man’s Mifchief was a Joke for alh 
 
 That the long Labours of the Dance may ceafe, 
 Lie gets himfelf a general Releafe \ 
 
 With 
 
272 
 
 Grobi ANUS, Book III. 
 
 His Anger wou’d produce a Reprimand, 
 
 But Shame impos’d a contrary Command 5 
 While he was plunging in a Sea of Doubt, 
 
 The Monarch, finding his Diforder out, 
 
 Made this mojl Gracious Anfwer i with a Smile, 
 And pointed at the Cobler all the while, 
 
 4£ This Doctor, hither, from afar, repairs, 
 
 £t To treat with us on many grand Affairs; 
 
 “ As you, at every Word, are fure to bedch, 
 
 44 (Perhaps ’tis not unfrequent with the Welch) 
 
 <c Farting, where he was born, is much inFafhion, 
 <c ’Tis all the Prejudice of Education. 
 
 He faid no more : The Orator was bit. 
 
 And in Confufion did the Palace quit. 
 
 t • * * « r • « 
 
 » * • 
 
 A certain Story-teller, holding forth. 
 
 About a heavy Monfter in the North ; 
 
 Defcrib’d the Thing fo well in Profe or Verfe, 
 
 That Summer Days are fhort in fuch Converfe: 
 
 An 
 
2 73 
 
 Chap. VII. Grobianus. 
 
 An idle, gaping Fellow, with Delight* 
 
 Regarded what the other did recite j 
 And, tho’ he felt his Bladder fill’d amain* 
 
 Wou’d yet attend to the perfwafive Strain, 
 
 Which might an Angel from his Orb detain. 
 Within his Fob a Pouch of Skin he bore, 
 
 The Pouch contain’d his Pence, a flender Store ! 
 Here, for the Nonce, a purling Stream defcends, 
 Nor will he leave the Place, before the Story ends* 
 But knows the Mifchief Mode fly has done, 
 
 And thinks it proper to take Care of one* 
 
 Not long before, a grave, religious Priefi, 
 
 By holding in his Urine, was deceas’d; 
 
 Coop’d up (for fo the Weekly Papers tell) 
 
 With Ladies in a leathern Vehicle, 
 
 There did he fit, for many an Hour fecure, 
 
 ... i 
 
 His Speech was ferious, elegant, and pure ; 
 
 T 
 
 But 
 
25 2 
 
 G R O B I A N U S. Book III. 
 
 His Boots about his Legs too clofely clung, 
 
 Lin’d with a filthy Pafte of human Dung. 
 Shou’d he roar out, and bellow like a Calf, 
 
 f 
 
 ’Twou’d only raife a univerfal Laugh; 
 
 So, having thoroughly confider’d on’t. 
 
 He thinks it bcft, to pocket the Affront: 
 
 O Wretch! avoid fuch Feafts for Time to come. 
 Small is the Glory that you carry Home, 
 
 Whene’er you travel into diflant Parts, 
 
 If you have taken your Degrees in Arts, 
 
 Or if you bear his Majefty’s Commiffion, 
 
 Make known your Dignity and high Condition; 
 Your Worfhip and your Do&orfhip difplay, 
 
 That all Mankind may tremble and obey. 
 
 The Difrefped, if you remain unknown, 
 
 Will never terminate in you alone ; 
 
 The Order of the State will fall to nought. 
 
 Nor Majefty be minded as it ought, 
 
 2 
 
 If 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 253 
 
 If no Occafion, of itfelf, prefents, -» 
 
 None afking, who you are ? nor what, norj" 
 A Tale fhall teach thee to avoid Offence, J 
 
 It follows thus- 
 
 -A Rev’rend of the Gown, 
 
 Arriving at his Inn when Sun was down. 
 
 The Landlord did a publick Feaft provide, 
 
 And on the Coming of fome Friends rely’d. 
 When this expected Company was met, 
 
 And each, in his appointed Order fet; 
 
 They fhov’d the Do&or to the Lower-end, 
 Unknown, unhonour’d, and without a Friend. 
 
 It flruck the noble Dodtor to the Heart, 
 
 Such Ufage, to a Man of fuch Defert! 
 
 No Relifh in the whole Repaft he found. 
 
 And kept his Eyes intent upon the Ground 
 Till Bacchus taught him better how to think: 
 (Who is not wife and eloquent in Drink ?) 
 
 Into 
 
254 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 Into his Head a lucky Method came, 
 
 'By which he might his Dignity proclaim j 
 Then on a Peg his Hat fufpended high, -| 
 
 The filken Rofe attratted ev’ry Eye $ > 
 
 While thus he fpoke — Hang there Divinity! ' 
 
 cc The Scarlet Gown, alas! is dearly bought, 
 
 “ If I muft never know a chearful Thought i 
 Grant I’m a Do&or, muft I look fevere ? 
 
 “ Or fancy I am reading Letftures here ? 
 u I’ H put off Gravity, the Garb of Knowledge, 
 
 " And reaffume it, when I come to College. 
 
 He faid : The Guefts arife to do him Grace, 
 
 And compliment him with the higheft Place } 
 
 Of Claret now the biggeft Bowl he drains. 
 
 And all the Honours of his Cloath regains* 
 
 Doft thou of Glory any Share poffefs ? 
 
 Or does the publick Weight thy Shoulders prefs ? 
 
 2 
 
 Be 
 
Chap. VI. Grobi anus. * 
 
 Be arrogant: Such haughty Merit bears 
 A welcome Accent to all honeft Ears. 
 
 Endure no Mockery from Sons of Earth, 
 fDiftinttions are the Claim of inborn Worth) 
 Refent Affronts by any Means you can. 
 
 For twenty Cowards do not make a Man. 
 
 A very worthy Fellow, of St. John's, 
 
 Was by a Country Wit bamboozled once; 
 
 But fhamefully he bore the Bront of all. 
 
 As Nature had forgot to give him Gall. 
 
 He, to a College Life for Years confin’d. 
 
 With Arts and Sciences adorn’d his Mind; 
 
 And fince the wifh’d for Recompence was got, 
 A Fellowfhip, Degree, and God knows what, 
 Intended to review his native Soil, 
 
 And glory in the Trophies of his Toil. 
 
 All Day he journey’d, retting at an Inn, 
 
 ■ e ■ 
 
 When Ev’ning did her fable Rights begin. 
 
256 G R O B I A N U Si Book III; 
 
 A Damfel harbour’d there that very Night, p 
 Fair (he appear’d, and like a Goddefs bright, r 
 Her Cheeks were purple on a Field of white. 
 Supper was ready: Here you might have fpy’d 
 The Scholar fitting by the Lady’s Side 5 
 And now he treads, or feeriis to tread the Skies, 
 Difdain and Scorn ride fparkling in his Eyes * 
 
 More turgid in his Talk than all the reft,- 
 He deems himfelf fuperior to the befb 
 A Wag there was (as I have faid before) 
 
 By whom fuch Carri’ge cou’d not long be bore,- 
 Becaufe the Scholar own’d him for his Friend, 
 
 Till he acquir’d the Stile of Reverend. 
 
 Well-vers’d in ev’ry Artifice, the Clown 
 Contrives a Scheme to take the Scholar down $ 
 Regards whate’er he does, whate’er he fays. 
 
 And in deep Silence ponders all his Ways. 
 
 •- _ j •. $L|, ' ‘J 
 
 > V « ’ > * 
 
 4. w « 
 
 « 4 '* 
 
 v y 
 
 The 
 
Chap* VI. G r o b i a n u s. 
 
 257 
 
 The Scholar, not fulpeCting he was watch’d. 
 
 His Noddle, with his Fingers, greatly fcratch’d j 
 When, lo ! the Wag proceeds without Remorfe, 
 Seizes his Fame, and puts his Jokes in Force. 
 
 A Caufe of Ignominy being found. 
 
 He gave this loud, this unexpected Sound. 
 
 1£ Say, Matter ! if your Locks, which look fa nice* 
 “ Cherifh their ufual Quantity of Lice ? 
 
 £< Cou’d your mercurial Ointment not avail, 
 
 “ Which by the Chymift was expos’d to Sale ? 
 s< His Practice is he thought to underhand, 
 
 “ And temper Phyfick with a fkilful Hand. 
 
 This Lye was utter’d by the fneering Youth* 
 
 With all the Gravity of Gofpel Truth ; 
 
 Mute was the Scholar, and in deep Difgrace, 
 
 His Blood was all collected in his Face: 
 
 His Haughtinefs and Pride of Heart was broke, 
 The Clown did with Impunity provoke, 
 
 Nor felt a Replication to his Joke. 
 
 a. 
 
 Avoid 
 
Z$$ G R O B I A N u s. Book III. 
 
 :Athf ' ' < ■ ■■iiM.&i : r .H > - • >!ns*rlPsH 
 
 Avoid the Rock on which the Scholar fplit, 
 
 Nor tamely fuffer fuch abulive Wit ^ 
 
 But if you fee a Man, adorn’d with Arts, 
 
 Who gains Poffeflion of the People's Hearts, 
 Promoted, by that many-headed Beaft, 
 
 To £)ignity and Honour at a Feafl $ 
 
 Be fure to pull his Reputation down. 
 
 There is no other Way to raife your own, 
 
 With many noble Lords, a Charioteer 
 Did in a Tavern Kitchen once appear ; 
 
 (With Coachmen mighty Lords themfelves compare. 
 And tell us what their real Fathers were) 
 
 One kindly Bowl the common Sorrow drown’d. 
 The Bowl in Order circulated round 
 Thro’ various Hands : The Coachman, in his Turn, 
 Receiv’d with Greedinefs the Silver Urn 
 
 t ii p c „ - ' iv c 
 
Chap. VI. Grobiahus. 259 
 
 He drank: The Greafe, which did his Lips begrime. 
 Ran trickling down, and fatten’d all the Wine. 
 The Deed exafperates the noble Crowd, 
 
 And each of them complains, tho’ not aloud. 
 
 Tet^ by Authority, they ftraight ordain, 
 
 That none (hall dare to greafe the Bowl again ; 
 That whatfoever Mortal dare pretend 
 Again# th’ aforefaid Statute to offend. 
 
 Shall to the reft his Fine and Ranfom pay, 
 
 And bear the Coft and Charges of the Day. 
 
 Now Jehu *f* drains the mafty Goblet dry, 
 
 And turns its Bottom upwards to the Sky : 
 
 The Bowl inverted fhewsand afks, if he 
 Deferves to bear the dreadful Penalty ? 
 
 “ Survey the Goblet, if your Lordlhip pkafe, 
 
 “ But think not to difcover any Greafe ; 
 
 S 2 
 
 f A common Name for a Coachman, 
 
 For 
 
260 G R O B I A N u s. Book III. 
 
 For at one Gulph I guzzled Thick and Thin, 
 
 Corn, Wine, and Oil are now no more therein. 
 Thus did he ’fcape the Statute’s griping Paw, 
 
 Nor walk within the Purlieus of the Law ; 
 
 But from the Tavern quietly depart. 
 
 For which he was beholden to his Art. 
 
 y*. . , , .1 j "jtj'lf M • 
 
 t. 
 
 A Country Borough did their May’r depute,, 
 
 As Envoy to a Man of great Repute > 
 
 » 
 
 To whom of Wine a Prefent he conveys, 
 
 And wonderfully Ample are his Ways ; 
 
 For unacquainted with the Rules of State, 
 
 And coming in the Prefence of the Great, 
 
 A chilling Fear furprizes all his Joints, 
 
 And makes him ready to untrafs his Points. 
 Trembling he flands and looks exceeding fhy, 
 
 (So the Lambs tremble when a Wolf is nigh ; 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 26 \ 
 
 Then fpake the Senator, without a Frown, 
 
 “ Let not your noble Courage be caft down. 
 
 The May’r, at this Encouragement, began 
 To banifh Fear and reaflume the Man ; 
 
 Then on his Fingers^twirl’d around his Hat, 
 
 With bowing, cringing, fcraping, and all that. 
 
 After fome Time, he bellows thro’ the Hall 
 Thefe Words, as loud as ever he could bawl. 
 
 “ Right worthy Sir! by our wife Borough fent, 
 “To fnore away Debates in Parliament: 
 
 “ O ! ponder well, and be not too fevere, 
 
 “ For all I ask is but a patient Ear. 
 
 “ Your Character is fpread thro’ all the Town, 
 
 “ ’Tis known how many Quarts you guzzle down; 
 “ Since then your Whiftle you delight to \yet, 
 
 “ We give ye the befh Liquor we can get: 
 
 “ We drink the fame ourfelves, or full as bad, 
 
 <c When Burgundy and Claret can’t be had, 
 
 j 
 
 s 3 
 
 He 
 
262 
 
 Grobianus.. Book III. 
 
 He ipoke 3 and pull’d his greafy Frock afide. 
 His Lappets did the Jug no longer hide: 
 Within the Velfel, now, by Chance he faw, 
 (No venial Crime!) a Feather or a Straw 3 
 He rowl d around his Eye-balls, in a Doubt, 
 What Thing to take wherewith to fifh it out 3 
 But as he call his radiant Eyes around, 
 
 Ths Candle-fnufFers on the Board he found : 
 Th* Impedimemt remov’d, with prudent Care, 
 He drank himfelf a comfortable Share, 
 
 And back again did to his Home repair. 
 
 No more of Toping would I wifli to fay, 
 
 But boon Companions bid me talk away : 
 
 I do not, notwithftanding this, intend 
 To tell too many Tales but haflen to an End. 
 
 A 
 
Chap. VI. G R O B I'A N U S. 263 
 
 ■ 
 
 , , 1.. j . ! /' o .. 1- . r» ntE 
 
 A certain Toper, for his private Ufe, 
 
 Mix’d in one Bowl Varieties of Juice. 
 
 Rack, Brandv, Rum, and Wines of ev’rv Sort, 
 
 J J j j V J 
 
 From potent Cyprus down to humble Port ; 
 
 The Mixtures in his Belly rage and roar. 
 
 And all within him is a civil War : 
 
 Each bent to conquer, neither Side to yield, 
 
 *■ • 
 
 Uncertain is the Fortune of the Field. 
 
 Such Broils and Brangles did the Sot difpleafe ; 
 
 His Head and Stomach being ill at Eafe, 
 
 He to the Warriors undertakes to preach, 
 
 And cleaves the gen’ral Ear with horrid Speech. 
 
 “ Ye Wines and Liquors in one VelTel brew’d ! 
 
 “ Is this your Duty ? this your Gratitude ? 
 
 “ For drinking ye, ye do not ufe me well, 
 
 “ I charge ye now give over to rebell ; 
 
 S 4 “ Lay 
 
2 ^4 Grobianus Book IIL 
 
 Lay down your Arms, let cruel Dlfcord ceafe, 
 
 “ And the long Jars conclude in lafting Peace: 
 
 For if ye dilfegard this kind Advice, 
 
 “ I’ll fpue ye from your Quarters in a trice. 
 
 He faid : But finds they work their wicked Wills. 
 And fpeedily his Menaces fulfils ; 
 
 Forth from his Stomach, in the open Air, 
 
 He fpu’d the Mifery he could not bear : 
 
 This Method did his former Peace reflpre, 
 
 His Stomach was the Seat of War no more. 
 
 •• ■- i; ^,;iau;uoV'lQ 
 
 When fuch intefline Difcords trouble thee, 
 
 By the fame Arts obtain thy Liberty. 
 
 The Love of Liberty with Life is giv’n. 
 
 And Life itfelf th’ inferior Gift of Heav’n. 
 
 < k ' *•; Ti- h ■'**' v f\r> 
 
 In cafe thofe greafy Ornaments are thine. 
 
 Which crown d, in Days of Yore, a Friend of mine; 
 
 Thcfe 
 
Chap. VI. Grobianus. 265 
 
 Thefe will your Worth fufficiently proclaim, 
 
 Your Vomiting fhall be the Theme of Fame: 
 
 To this Example due Regard bellow, 
 
 Which in few Words I mean to let you know. 
 
 Some Sons of Bacchus met; without Controul 
 They largely labour’d at the flowing Bowl; 
 
 The Man I honour with the Name of Friend, 
 
 His Stomach did with Wine fo much offend. 
 
 That frequent Hiccups iflu’d from his Throat, 
 
 Of Vomiting a fure prefaging Note ! 
 
 /from his own Head a Neighbour takes his Hat, 
 Which to the Purpofe proves extremely pat. 
 
 “ In your own Hat your fickly Stomach eafe, 
 
 “ And fafely vomit whatfoe’er you pleafe. 
 
 My Friend from Ear to Ear expands his Jaw, 
 
 The undigefled Goblets from his Maw 
 
 He 
 
266 
 
 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 He belches up — in Wine his Dinner fwims. 
 
 And almoft overflows the Beaver’s Brims : 
 
 It gave fo rank, fo redolent a Smell, 
 
 A v.«VW 
 
 As wou’d a Boghoufe or a Jakes excel. 
 
 Full as it was, his Neighbour had the Grace, 
 
 To lay the Beaver on a proper Place. 
 
 What Place fo proper as the Hero’s Crown ? 
 
 The big round Drops courfe one another down 
 His haggard Cheeks: The vaulted Firmament 
 With loud Acclaims and vafl: Applaufe is rent. 
 
 The Vomiterin no fmall Paflion flew,' 
 
 But all in vain : ’Twas nothing but his Due, 
 Inftead of Lawrel to be crown’d with Spue. 
 
 C FI A P. 
 
Grobianus. 
 
 267 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 Some few more Patterns gives of Orators , 
 
 Who fart , and belch, and fink like nafy Curs j 
 OJ keeping in our Waters when they profs. 
 
 And exemplary Adis of Boorijhnejs. 
 
 D EEDS done at Banquets did we lately trace, 
 Now the Scene changes to another Place. 
 
 An Orator, deputed by the State, 
 
 In Council and in Elocution great, 
 
 An Ambafly of much Importance bore, 
 
 With which he landed on a foreign Shore : 
 
 The Maids of Honour there, a fhining Band! 
 About the Plenipo in Order ftand. 
 
 Since thefe fair Ladies circled him around, 
 
 He kept his Eyes intent upon the Ground 5 
 
 And bent his Body, and began to ope 
 
 His Mouth, from whence there always flew a Trope; 
 
 But 
 
268 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 But as he bent, they heard a doleful Crack, 
 
 And bad was the Report behind his Back; 
 
 He values not this Accident a Rufh, 
 
 But profecutes his Caufe without a Blufh. 
 Regafdlefs of the Fault the Girls appear. 
 
 And tho’ they hear it do not feem to hear 5 
 All, except one, the riling Laugh reftrain, 
 
 She ftrove but found it went againft the Grainr 
 Her twattling Strings, with Laughter overcome. 
 No more contrail: the Railage of the Bum : 
 
 Forth from the Virgin’s Gut efcap’d a Fart, 
 
 More fubdle than the Matter of Defcart y 
 A Sound it gave furpaffing Lute, or Lyre, 
 
 Enough to fet the very Soul on Fire. 
 
 Our Orator from this a Handle took. 
 
 And foon the Thread of his Oration broke. 
 
 While to the Ladies in thefe Words he fpoke. 
 lt Proceed, ye venerable Train ! proceed, 
 
 “ To fart and fizzle in the Time of Need: 
 
 V ■ if 
 
 Thafe 
 
269 
 
 Chap. VII. Grobianus. 
 
 Thofe who retain dale Wind are nafty Sluts, 
 
 V / 1 it; r 
 
 And feel tenfold Confufion in their Guts. 
 
 “ Myfelf, whene’er my Turn fhall next infue, 
 c< Will freely trump away as well as you. 
 
 The fair One, blufhing, bid Adieu to Mirth, 
 
 V, .1 k' a 
 
 And down flie look’d upon her Mother Earth ; 
 But all the reft indulge their Spleen, and fhake 
 Their Sides and Shoulders till they feel them ake; 
 Th’ Ambafiador had Licence to depart, 
 
 And his Oration ended in a Fart. 
 
 On Deeds of Orators and learned Men, 
 
 I ftill continue to employ my Pen. 
 
 A Rhetorician, rich in Eloquence, 
 
 Came to the Palace of a mighty Prince j 
 Array’d in Silk, fo exquifitely trim, 
 
 No Reverence was thought too much for him: 
 
270 Grobianus. Book IIL 
 
 The Gates were open’d wide without Delay, 
 
 And Leave was giv’n his Talent to difpiay. 
 
 He foon began to thunder with his Tongue, 
 
 With fuflian Paragraphs the Palace rung. 
 
 But belching after ev’ry Word, it fhew’d 
 As if he guttled more than did him Good. 
 Addidted from his Cradle to this Vice, 
 
 He cou’d not leave it off at any Price. 
 
 Each misbecoming Belch the Monarch hears, 
 
 Such Manners gall his Mind, fuch Accents grate 
 
 [hi, Ears; 
 
 Yet in his Front was not a Wrinkle feen, 
 
 With Speech refpedtful, and with look ferene. 
 
 He in thefe Words addrefs’d the Orator; 
 
 I willingly would hear you, learned Sir! 
 
 I like the Periods which fo fweetly few, 
 
 And what remains I almofl long to know; 
 
 But State-affairs oblige me, to adjourn 
 You and your Learning till To-morrow Morn. 
 
 That 
 
 1 
 
Chap. VII. G robianus. 271 
 
 •1 ... " 
 
 That Night the Prince was negligent of Reft, 
 For fraudful Frolicks ripen in his Breaft ; 
 
 The Dawn appears, and at the Prince’s Call, 
 
 The Rhetorician haftens to the Hall $ 
 
 Near which a famous Cobler kept a Stall. 
 
 An arbitrary Ruler of his Bum ! 
 
 Whene’er he ftrove to fart, a Fart would come. 
 The Monarch documents him in his Part, 
 
 And tells him he has Need of all his Art; 
 
 He mafquerades him in a Doctor’s Gown, 
 
 And with a Beaver dignifies his Crown: 
 
 Then, when the Rhetorician’s Thunder broke. 
 
 His Belches loud repeating as he fpoke 
 That Cue the wife Tranflator bore in mind, 
 
 At ev’ry Belch he heard, he gather’d Wind ; 
 
 And bounc’d like fifty Bladders from behind. 
 What muff: the baffled Rhetorician do ? 
 
 (For eafily our Neighbours Faults we view) 
 
 His 
 
272 Grobianus. Book III* 
 
 His Anger wou’d produce a Reprimand, 
 
 But Shame impos’d a contrary Command 5 
 While he was plunging in a Sea of Doubt, 
 
 The Monarch, finding his Diforder out, 
 
 Made this mojl Gracious Anfwer , with a Smile, 
 And pointed at the Cobler all the while, 
 
 <c This Dodtor, hither, from afar, repairs, 
 
 “ To treat with us on many grand Affairs; 
 
 “ As you, at every Word, are fure to bedch, 
 
 “ (Perhaps ’tis not unfrequent with the Welch) 
 
 <c Farting, where he was born, is much in Fafhion, 
 <{ ’Tis all the Prejudice of Education. 
 
 He faid no more: The Orator was bit. 
 
 And in Confufion did the Palace quit. 
 
 t ■» » • , „ „ . r -v * , 
 
 A certain Story-teller, holding forth. 
 
 About a heavy Monfter in the North ; 
 
 Defcrib’d the Thing fo well in Profe or Verfe, 
 
 That Summer Days are fhort in fuch Converfe: 
 
 An 
 
2 73 
 
 Chap. VII. Grobianus. 
 
 An idle, gaping Fellow, with Delight, 
 
 Regarded what the other did recite j 
 And, tho’ he felt his Bladder fill’d amain, 
 
 Wou’d yet attend to the perfwafive Strain, 
 
 Which might an Angel from his Orb detain. 
 Within his Fob a Pouch of Skin he bore, 
 
 The Pouch contain’d his Pence, a flender Store ! 
 Here, for the Nonce, a purling Stream defcends, 
 Nor will he leave the Place, before the Story ends? 
 But knows the Mifchief Modefty has done, 
 
 And thinks it proper to take Care of one. 
 
 Not long before, a grave, religious Prieft, 
 
 By holding in his Urine, was deceas’d; 
 
 Coop’d up (for fo the Weekly Papers tell) 
 
 With Ladies in a leathern Vehicle, 
 
 There did he fit, for many an Hour fecure, 
 
 S I 
 
 His Speech was ferious, elegant, and pure; 
 
 T 
 
 But 
 
Grobianus, Book III. 
 
 274 
 
 But now his Urine, circumfcrib’d in fpace. 
 
 Did from his Bladder want a fpeedy Pafs: 
 
 His Rev’rence for Madam and for Mifs 
 Made him unwilling to get out and p— j 
 He’ll rifque his Life before he dares do this. 
 
 The Waters all Obftrudtion difobey, 
 
 And thro’ the burfHng Bowels force their Way j 
 Down went the Dodtor to the Shades below, ■f' 
 And was he not unwife, to perifh fo ? 
 
 / 
 
 Let this Event in thee a Fear create, 
 
 To (hare the fame difhonourable Fate ; j 
 But rather put in practice any Scheme, 
 
 To vent the perilous, offenfive Stream. 
 
 One Tale remains, and that I take to be 
 A Work of genuine Simplicity; 
 
 Wonder 
 
 •f I prefume this Reverend Divine was pretty much advanc’d in 
 Years, and then his Cafe is not to be wonder’d at; for ’tis a known 
 Maxim in Phyfick, Renum , & vejiccs <vitia in Senibus tcgre cur ant ur. 
 
Ghap. V, Grobianus. 275 
 
 Wonder of Deeds! like which to mortal Eyes 
 But few have rifen* and but few fhall rife, 
 
 A Bumpkin to a noble Perfon went. 
 
 Whom awkwardly he try’d to compliment * 
 
 A formal Salutation they begin, 
 
 With how d’ye do } and how d’ye do again : 
 
 Now Fid: with Fid: they both prepare to gripe* 
 
 (Of old Acquaintance ’twas a certain Type) 
 
 Butin his Fingers fird: the Bumpkin blow’d 
 His Snout: and o’er his Palm the Moifture flow'd* 
 Then to his noble Friend, who wore no Glove, 
 
 He flxetches out his Hand, in fign of Love. 
 
 For he was fearful, led: his rugged Hand 
 Should injure any honourable Man • 
 
 Thus Artfully he fhunn’d fo foul a Crime, 
 
 And gave his Hand a Covering of Slime. 
 
 A 
 
276 Grobianus. Book III. 
 
 A Beadroll of fuch commendable Fadts 
 Cou’d we relate: but here the Mufe enadts. 
 
 Her Poet and her Steed fhou’d both take Breath; 
 Por fear we gallop Pegafus to Death: 
 
 Pray thou (if Benefits from thefe redound) 
 
 For me thy Matter, as in Duty bound. 
 
 V'' ;j V % '■ s . I 'I ll 3 dp 9 . 
 
 • Y< / '.X . 7 % i. .• V® 4 
 
 End of the Third Booh , 
 
 A • >. ' 
 
 / 
 
 
o - . 
 
 A 
 
 Summary View 
 
 Of the whole 
 
 POEM. 
 

 
 
 
 
 — 
 
 
 
 •r\ 
 
 
 
 
 
 ; . •••--. - 
 
 w^v&i Wi iWO 
 
 - 
 
 
 
 
 
 
C O N T E N TS 
 
 OF THE 
 
 FIRST BOOK. 
 
 Of Behaviour at Home. 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 T Reats of the Face and Hands, the Feeth and 
 Hair ; 
 
 And bids with Dijhabille your Garments wear. 
 
 Page i 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Of Breakfaft, and the Mo defty of the Eyes; 
 
 Of Brow and Noftrils — and of loud Replies. 
 
 Of Sneezing, Coughing, Belching, filthy Wit: 
 
 What Gait and Habit in the Streets befit. y 
 
 T 4 
 
 
 CHAP 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 What Manners are mojl decently obfervd. 
 
 Before the Meat is to the Tab/eferv'd. 21 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 Does, for the lime of Eating, all advife 
 What Conduct is mojl Juitable and wife. 29 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Does, after Dinner, teach Deportment meet. 
 
 And with what Grace to walk along the Street. 
 
 40 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 What bejl behoves the well-bred Youth to do. 
 
 Before, and at, and after Supper too . 53 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 How to difpenfe, to ev’ry Gueft, the Cup; 
 
 And by what Arts to break their Congrefs up. 66 
 
 CHAP. 
 
CONTENTS, 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 How after having fupp'd, each Comrade falls , 
 
 From civil Falk to Quarrelling and Brawls. 75 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 Inflrufts our Pupil to difmifs his Friends, 
 
 And how to aft, when tow'rds his Couch he tends j 
 Which, with the Epilogue, the Volume ends. 84 
 
 
 CON- 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 i 
 
 OF THE 
 
 SECOND BOOK. 
 
 • * - * * 
 
 Of Behaviour Abroad. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 JT 7 jF/ E N you re invited by a Friend to eat , 
 *' What Conduct's honourable a?id difcreet: 
 How to approach the Feafl with courtly Air 
 And take Pojj'ejjion of the higheft Chair . 
 
 95 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Tells, while we eat , what Gefture , Motion , Fajhion , 
 Are bejl, and juft ly claim your Obfervation. 107 
 
 CHAP. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 What Conduffi y after the firft Courfe retires, 
 
 Whe Obfervation of each Gueft requires. 114 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 What Methods, both in Rating and in Drinking , 
 Suit be[l our Author's modeft Way of Thinking. 126 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 Of Greedmefs at Table and of Spuing ; 
 
 Of Laughter , and of other civil Doing. 134 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 * ' ' 
 
 Of wafting Hands, of guttling the Defert y 
 And tow'rd the Girls to adi a decent Part. 144 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 Of Clamour and Difurbance , breaking up ; 
 Appointing where To-morrow Night you'll fup. 
 
 152 
 
 CHAP. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 Of reeling Home , when you have got your Load; 
 Of Noife and Quarrels all along the Road j 
 Of Houjhold Jars before you go to Ref > 
 
 Of Deeds to the next Day adapted bef. 164 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 How Guefsjhoud be receiv'd , whom you invite 5 
 Next y how be treated if they fay the Night ; 
 
 And afterwards difmifsd by Rules polite, 173 
 
 - 
 
 
 1 
 
 CON- 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 THIRD BOOK. 
 
 Rules and Examples, to regulate our 
 Conduct both at Home and Abroad. 
 
 CHAP. I. 
 
 TF E Order of the Book , and how to eat 
 Soop y SopSy and Shell-fjh, at a noble Treat . 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 Of Drinking ftoutly by the Rules of Arty 
 Of Manners to obferve when we depart . T96 
 
 CHAP. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 Of Banteri jig , and how to hear with it ; 
 Encouragement to fart , and hawk , and fpit ; 
 To anfwer Queftions in a proper Way , 
 
 ./fW Men's Epifles to J'urvey . 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 How to behave yourfelf a-rightjn cafe 
 A-near fome Neighbour s Stoveyou take your Place. 
 Of parti colour'd Vefs , and Vefls difeBed , ^ 
 
 Of Beards , which Ornaments are not rejeB d y I 
 How Friends fiould be receiv'd ' /«-[ 
 
 JpeBed. 214) 
 
 CHAP. V, 
 
 , • . \ ■' ■ W 
 
 - ' • • V r *' 
 
 • . •• v \ - \ • • \ 
 
 Recounts fome few Examples commendable , 
 Of elegant Deportment when at Table. 
 
 -A 
 
 227' 
 
 1 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 ' Vv\\ . o 
 
 Some more Examples gives ; of making Water‘d 
 Of Vmiting^ and other goodly Matter. 244 
 
 CHAP. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAP. VII, 
 
 "I 
 
 Some few more Patterns gives of Orators , 
 
 Who fart , and belch y and fink like nafy Curs ; 
 
 Of keeping in our Waters when they prefs, 
 
 And exemplary Adis of Boorijhnefs. 267 
 
 Jamq; opus exegi, quod nec Jovis ira, nec ignis, 
 Nec poterit ferrum, nec edax abolere vetuftas. 
 
 FINIS. 
 

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