mm Little Book of Bores By Oliver Herford Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/littlebookofboreOOherf A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES BOOKS BY OLIVER HERFORD WITH PICTURES BY THE AUTHOR PUBLISHED BY CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS THE BASHFUL EARTHQUAKE . . . .$1.25 A CHILD’S PRIMER OF NATURAL HIS- TORY OVERHEARD IN A GARDEN . MORE ANIMALS THE RUBAIYAT OF A PERSIAN KIT- TEN . . net , $1.00 THE FAIRY GODMOTHER-IN-LAW net, $1.00 A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES . . . net , $1.00 A Little Book of Bores liver erford With Pictures by the Author New York • Published by Charles Scribner’s Sons Copyright, 1906 , by OLIVER HERFORD Published, October, 1906 THE TROW PRESS NEW YORK A Little Book of Bores A is the Autograph Bore Whom Authors so loudly deplore, Tho’ it’s probable quite, If the Dears ceased to write, They’d deplore even more than before. B is a Bounder Blase Who likes to appear quite au-fait, He purses his lips, As his Rhine wine he sips, Though he doesn’t know Hock from Tokay. C’s a Critic — Far be it from me With a time-honoured craft to make free. All Praise 1 accord Good Critics — but Lord ! What a Bore a Bad Critic can be ! D is a Decadent Dreary Whose works are depressing & eerie If you ask his Excuse For Existence, or Use, I fear I can’t answer your query. 8 E is the Egotist Dread Who, as someone has wittily said, Will talk till he’s blue About Himself when you Want to talk about Yourself instead. 10 F’s a Familiar Friend Who loves Free Advice to extend; Says he, for my part 1 know nothing of Art But 1 know what I like, my good Friend. 12 G is a Grumbler Gruff Whom everything puts in a huff; If perchance he shall gam Heaven’s Gate he’ll complain Of his Halo or Harp like enough. 14 H is a Humorist glum. Why sits he so doleful and dumb ? He’s inventing some gay Impromptu to say When the Opportune Moment shall come. 16 is the Intensely Intense Who dilates on the “Where” and the “Whence” The “Wherefore” & “Why” And the “Ego” (or “I”) Not to mention the “Hither” and “ Hence.” 18 j is a Johnnie, a Thing Much affected by Fairies who Sing. He is human in Shape, With the Brain of an Ape, And attached as a rule to a String. 20 K is the Kaiser unnerving, With the terrible moustache upcurv- ing. One Man who can bore A Planet and more Is surely of mention deserving. 22 L’s the Loquacious variety Who is found in all sorts of Society. He drinks in the sound Of his own Voice till drown’d In a species of self-inebriety. 24 M’s a methodical man Who talks with precision and plan. Have a care how you balk The stream of his talk, Lest he go back to where he began. 26 N is a Newly Rich Boor, An affliction that few can endure. Some cases, with care And complete change of Heir, Take Three Generations to cure. 28 O is an Optimist glad Who doesn’t know how to be sad. If he wakes up some day In Hades, he’ll say “Well really it isn’t so bad ! ” 30 P’s a Poetical Bore Who recites his own Lines by the score. The Ladies, poor Dears, Are all moved to Tears And Strong Men are moved — to the Door. 32 Q is a Quoter who’ll cite His favorite authors, all night. Tho’ glowing with Thought, Like the Moon he is naught But a second-hand-dealer in Light. 34 R’s a Rabid Reformer whose prose Insures you a health-giving doze, One wouldn’t much mind If he’d only be kind And NO I slam the door when he goes. 36 S is a Socialist rude Who subsists on leguminous food, Which he shyly explains So enlarges his brains Even Shakespeare beside Him is crude. 38 X is the Terrible Tot Who says things he’d much better not. A Thing of that age Should be kept in a cage And fed (if at all) through a slot. 40 U is the Uncoguid Man And all his unspeakable clan With their “ Braw Bonnie Brae, Bide-awee, Scots Wha Hae — Aweel, Dinna-ken, and Hoot-man 42 V is a Vain Virtuoso. If you ask, 4 Pray what makes your hair grow so, Do you think it's a sign Of Genius divine ? ’ He replies “I don’t think so, I know so.” 44 W’s a well informed wight Who loves to set everyone right. If a word you misspell Or misquote — he will swell With Chastened and Holy delight. 46 X is for Xmas, a dear Old Impostor who comes once a year, With Wassails and Wishes And death-dealing Dishes And Chilblains and Chimes and Good Cheer. 48 Y is the Yodeler whose Yell Wakes the Echo on Mountain or Fell. “ Poor Echo ! ” 1 say, “To be wakened each day By a Sound like a Feline unwell.’’ 50 z is the Zealot whose Zeal Takes the form of “An urgent Appeal.’’ Tho’ you wriggle and squirm And protest, he sits firm Till he lands you at last like an Eel. 52 ! - 3 ^ GETTY CENTER LIBRARY 3 3125 00042 1897