4 / Vr V / ”| ( \ j\( VKWrn* m «.yiv ^Jv!% V Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2015 https://archive.org/details/thatconventionor00welc_0 THAT CONVENTION; OE, Five Days a Politician. BY Profusely Illustrated by Frank Beard. NEW YORK AND CHICAGO: F. G. WELCH & CO., PUBLISHERS. AGENTS FOR SUPPLYING THE TRADE : .AMERICAN NEWS COMPANY, NEW YORK; NEW ENGLAND NEWS CO., BOSTON; WESTERN NEWS CO., CHICAGO. 1872. Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1872, By F. G. WELCH & CO., and E. H. TRAFTON, In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. TAYLOR & BARWOOD, Electrotypers, 27 Rose St., N. Y. DEDICATED TO Those who Saved their Country at SIN-SO-NAUGHTY; •> to THEIR CONSTITUENTS WHOM THEY (MIS)REPRESENTED; AND TO All the ‘ ‘ Intelligent Voters ” Who Claim the Protection OF THE A CHAPTER OF CHRONICLES. 1. In the days when Ulysses, whose surname also was Grant, reigned upon the earth, in the seventy and second year, in the fifth month, on the first day of the month : 2. It came to pass that there were gathered together with one ac- cord in one place, sundry sons of Belial, plotters ; the same also were called Soreheads. 3. (And the name of that place was Cincinnati. ) 4. The same also were Joseph of Missouri, and William his part- ner; Brown, whose name also was Gratz; Schurz, a mighty man of war; Train, also, who slew his thousands with the jawbone of an ass, even his own; 5. Reuben, who was wroth because Murphy sat at the receipt of custom; Horace, whose name also was White; and Wells, surnamed David, who were Free Traders, Sadducees; 6. For they hold to the resurrection of Low Tariff ; 7. And many more. For the time would fail me to tell of J ohn, the same was a giant; and of Clay, surnamed Cassius; and Town- send, who was of the inhabitants of Gath; 8. And of Reid, who was one of the Tribunes; and of the rest, Pharisees, Gettights, Hittites, Jebusites, dwellers in Cappodacia, VI A CHAPTER OF CHRONICLES. which is Chicago, Elamites, Syro-Phenicians, Armenians and Bed- lamites. 9. And the number of these, even of the Soreheads, was about six thousand. 10. But there were certain of the princes of the people, great ones, who went not down thither, but stood afar off, like the sister of Moses, to see what would come to the child, even the Convention. 11. These were Palmer, who was unstable as water; Davis, also, the judge ; Chase, the high priest ; Trumbull, who was of the San- hedrim ; 12. Curtin, the tetrarch of Pennsylvania; and Greeley, who said in his haste that all men were liars. 13. But Adams, who was the son of John Quincy, who was the son of John, when he saw that the people desired him to be King over them, 14. Took his pen, and wrote to Bowles, his friend, saying: Charles, to Samuel, greeting: Draw me, I beseech thee, out of that crowd. 15. And when he had written, he sealed it, and took ship for Tarsus, the same is Liverpool, in the islands of the sea, afar off. 16. Sumner, also, went not down thither; for he said, Should I sell my birthright for a mess of pottage? 17. And when they were gathered together they took beams and planks, wood of the cedars of Lebanon, and of the pine tree, and built them a tabernacle. 18. And they entered into it and took Matthew, the judge, and set him up in the midst of them and said: Hail, temporary chairman of the Convention. 19. And when he had beckoned with his hand for silence, he spake unto them saying : Men and brethren: I perceive it is meet that all things should be done in decency and order. 20. Tarry ye, therefore, and eat some meat, and refresh yourselves; and when ye have slept, come and let us take counsel together. A CHAPTER OF CHRONICLES. VII 21. And he said unto the leaders : What have ye ? And they answered and said : We have here twelve resolutions and two nomi- nations; but what are these among so many? 22. But the multitude desired Schurz and would not be comforted because he was not. And they cried aloud: Great is Carl Schurz of the Missourians, for the space of two hours. 23. And when Matthew, the judge, saw that the tumult of these men, republicans and sinners, would not be appeased he adjourned the meeting. 24. And the evening and the morning were the first day. 25. And all the acts of the Soreheads, what they did, how Brown whose surname was Gratz, with Blair, the son of Belial, sold them- selves for thirty pieces of silver, and how Greeley was nominated; 26. And how there was weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth among the friends of Chase, the high priest; and Davis, the judge; and Palmer, who was unstable as water; 27. Schurz, also, the mighty man of war; and Joseph, of Missouri, and William iis partner; 28. Are they not written in the Book of the Chronicles of the Cin- cinnati Convention ? INDEX. PAGE A Chapter of Chronicles, FIRST PART. That Convention; or, Five Days a Politician. I. “ F. G. W.” takes his Initial Lesson in Politics - - - - 13 II. “ F. G. W.” leaves the Bosom of his Virtuous Family - - 17 III. A “Ten Strike” 28 IV. “ Long John 36 V. “ The Man of Destiny ” - - - . . . .42 VI. “ Give me a Handkerchief ! ” ...... 47 VII. The First Gun— and the First Campaign Song - - - - 54 VIII. The Real Thing at Last ....... 60 IX. The Women in “ That Convention ” - - - - - 71 X. “ The Plot Thickens Our Trio Becomes a Quartette - - 74 XI. Room 237—“ I Could a Tale Unfold ” - - - - - 80 XII. “F. G. W.” Swears Off 87 PART SECOND. The “ Dolly Varden ” Convention, and the “ Doughnut ” Platform. I. The Call 95 II. First Day ......... 97 III. Second Day ......... 98 IV. The Last Day --------- 103 V. What “ They Say,” - 113 VI. What H. G. Says * 124 PART THIRD. H. G., ( his x marie), which being interpreted means, Horace Greeley. I. What I Know about the Later Franklin - - - - - 139 II. The Champion Chirography of the Modern Cincinnatus - - 147 III. Rev. Petroleum V. Nasby Converts the “Corners” to the “Cabbage Candidate ” - - - - - - - - 159 IV. The Epicurian Greeley on Doughnuts ----- 166 V. The First Message of the (Do-any-thing-to-be) next President - - 170 PART FOURTH. “A Horse! A Horse! My Kingdom for a Horse." I. A Double-Team Trot 179 INDEX TO ILLUSTRATIONS. FRONTISPIECE. The Most Prominent Man in u That Convention .” FULL PAGE ILLUSTRATIONS : PAGE The Elastic Goddess 65 The Snipes that were shot at “ That Convention ” - - - - 93 “ Take off your hats, gentlemen, and show your credentials ” - - 99 Reading the Dispatches ........ 109 “ Between two Stools,” &c. - - - . . - 116 Hobson’s Choice --------- 121 Politics makes strange bed-fellows - - - - - - 126 “Will you walk into my parlor?” ------ 129 Their Constituents --------- 133 Greeley’s Protection 138 Innocence Abroad --------- 142 Mark Twain ( portrait) ------ - 146 Subsoiling for a crop of November beats - - - - - 151 Petroleum Y. Nasby (portrait) 158 Positively last appearance of the Political Blondin .... 162 Cultivating Greeley Clubs - - - - - - - 171 A Candidate with “Horse sense,” (double page) - - - - 176 ILLUSTRATIONS IN THE BODY OF THE BOOK : “And his smile it was childlike and bland.” - - - - - 13 “He whispered tragically,” ------- 14 “ Good-bye, John.” “ F. G. W.,” going to save his Country - - - 17 Where the Davis Fund went to ------ 19 “The most useless man in America,” ------ 21 “The birds sang sweetly,” ------- 22 “ Good Lord, deliver us ! ” ------- 23 “Rooms were scarce,” - ------- 26 Geographical location of Room No. 237 - - - - - - 27 “ We were introduced to a number of Honorable gentlemen,” - - 28 Preparing for arduous duties ------- 29 “ Such a Suicidal Pace,” ------- 30 “The Wonderful St. Bernard,” - 31 “Whose air suggested proprietorship,” ----- 32 Front side of card ... - - - - - - 32 The fair female - - - - - - • * 33 The Watch ---------- 35 A foraging expedition - - - - - - -. 37 “ They part and meet again like old friends,” - - - .38 INDEX TO HaLU STRATION S. PAGE “His forte is asparagus,” - 38 “ He commenced roaring, and I left,” - - - - - - 40 “George Francis Train, N. P. A.” . - - - - - 42 Tlie man who got a joke on Train ...... 46 “The truant came ‘staving ’ into the room,” .... 48 “The woman of my dreams,” ....... 49 “ Give me a hankerchief,” 50 “ An interminable crowd was taking turns,” - - - - 52 “My heart is with you,” ....... 56 “ We struck up,” - - - - - - - - 57 “ Sharp and quick,” ........ 58 An interesting study ........ 62 The “ Liberal ” ticket - - - - - - - - 66 “ How that press ticket of mine did double duty,” - - - 67 “I’se for de man dat settles de soda-water question,” 68 Col. Susie B. Anthony - - - - - - - 71 “F. G. W.’s” Candidate 73 “ We were glad to see Botch,” ....... 74 “He followed the simple directions implicitly,” - - - - 77 “ We did what we could to make him tight and comfortable,” - - 78 **F. G. W.” saving his country at Cincinnati .... 80 “ Line upon line,” -------- - 84 “ Whereupon occurred a little ‘ walk-around,’” - - - - 85 Political Life - - - - - - - - - -87 “ On a bounding horse-car,” ------- 89 Home Life 90 The Spirit of the Convention ------- 96 “ See the Conquering hero comes,” - - - - - - 113 “ A Republican on the half-shell,” - - - - - 119 “ Vote for me,” --------- 124 The “ Cabbage Candidate,” ------- 139 Erickson unbosoms himself to Mark Twain - - - - - 147 An Autograph letter 149 “ I hed a severe time uv it,” ------- 159 ** It wuz a cheerin site,” ...---- 165 “Truly delicious,” - - - - - * * * - 166 “The tide was still rising,” ------- 167 “We only saved three,” -------- 168 The Start - 179 “ Life Insured ? ” - - - - - - - - * 182 “Bearing beautifully ahead,” ------- 183 THAT CONVENTION; OE, FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. >' PART FIRST. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN i. “ F. G. W.” takes his Initial Lesson in Politics. “ And his smile it was childlike and bland.” The country cannot be saved too often. When I heard that “ the home of the brave and the land of the free” was again to be saved, this time at Cincinnati, I was 14 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, ready to be sacrificed — at the expense of any candidate who was up to that sort of thing. “ That Convention meets next week; are you going?” inquired an enthusiastic young political friend as the fate- ful time drew nigh. I knew he was on the “inside” — wherever that may be — of a “ring,” and instinctively felt my time had come. Not that I’m given to duplicity, but that I know diplomacy to be trumps in politics. I re- plied, with an honesty of expression that would have done honor to a man older in the business, “No, I had not thought of going ; besides, I’m no politician, have no time to spare” — “Hold on,” cried my friend, “let me explain. You see,” touching a plethoric pocket-book in a tenderly sug- gestive manner, “ I am authorized by the next best friend of Judge Davis to invite you and Stavie, and some other good fellows, to go along with us, and” — placing his mouth to my ear, he whispered tragically, “ What do you say now ?” “He whispered tragically.” I allowed myself to look slightly relentful at him, as I replied, “ ‘ Only this;’ you have often heard me express FIVE DATS A POLITICIAN. 15 excessively good, not to say brilliantly original, ideas, upon the great Political Issues of the day, and what few principles I have are not for sale ! (Here I looked the high-born patriot, every inch of me.) I want no office, wield no political influence, and under this aggregation of circumstances, I really cannot consent to burden you with my company.” “ 0, but you are too sensitively conscientious by half; you must go. Really (in the softest and most sarcastically insinuating tones), have you exercised the rights of a free and enlightened voter, and have yet so deplorably neg- lected your education — your golden opportunities , so to speak ?” “No; to be certainly, yes,” I lucidly replied. I was preparing to climatically recede from my position, in a manner becoming a diplomat of the first water — though why that should be better water than any other, unless cleaner, is more than I can tell. In fact, I was luring him on in his efforts to allure me; when I should be ready to accept the offer, I wished my friend to enjoy the satis- faction of having won a victory, and I, in turn, more selfishly perhaps, wished to be sure of appreciation. “ But would it not better serve your purpose to take with you successful operators in the political arena, sym- pathizers in the movement, veterans in the cause ?” My fair tempter sadly smiled, as he remarked, with a candor as beautiful as it was complimentary to myself, “ That’s where the mischief comes in; this movement has no successful operators, no sympathizers, no old veterans — comparatively speaking. What few there are of these we’ve got a sure thing on, you may stake your bottom dollar. That’s why we have to pick up such as we can get!” 16 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, Which last remark rather punctured my well-pre- pared climax. I felt reflectively inclined, and indulged in a little idiosyncrasy of that sort. “We can make a politician out of you fast enough,” he finally resumed. “ And there will be more rejoicing over the one convert than over the ninety and nine — or less — that didn’t require such an operation.” “ You may count me in for a D. H. ticket — if Stavie will go.” Stavie had already promised, and I was forced to accept, minus the dramatic climax — which had been “ unavoidably withdrawn.” Were I now an honest man, as I am a politician, I would have been spared the pain of transcribing, more as a warning than from choice, this history of my fall. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 17 “ Good bye, John.” “ F. G. W.” going to save bis Country. We met at the depot of a Sunday nigbt — the Young and Innocent Politician — which does not mean me, but the man with Davis’ money, and Stavie, and “yours 18 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, most respectfully, F. G. W.,” the last two being imbued with a commendable determination to see Y. I. P. through like men — so long as a red cent of Judge Davis’ filthy lucre remained in his possession. For conven- ience, our seducer will hereafter appear in these pages under the patronymic of Steady. The appropriateness of Stavie’s cognomen is as apparent to every one who knows what a “staring good fellow” he is, as is the in- congruity of the somewhat antipodal application of the word steady to the former facetious and lively individual, when connected with the idea of quality implied, as the Unabridged expounds it: as for myself, I only wish that I, too, had indulged in the luxury of a nom de plume — at least while at Cincinnati. To resume. The church bells of Chicago tolled a requiem as we slowly moved out of town. It was the death-knell to the budding hopes of a train-load of “ sore- heads.” I think no one heard it but myself. The others were not so religiously inclined, but had already given themselves up to the fascination of hearing themselves air their own opinions upon the all-engrossing subjec^ before I had well settled down in my seat to study the occasion and the passengers. The conductor informed me that he had seventy-five Cincinnati passengers. Fifty- three presented queer yellow tickets — “ Good from Chi- cago to Cincinnati and return” — while across the face of them was inscribed the mystical word, “ Special.” The exact meaning of the strange imprint the conductor could not divine. He had never seen any such tickets before, but supposed that they were gotten up “for the occasion.” It was none of his business, he blandly remarked, and “he did not trouble himself about the matter.” Pre- suming that minding my own business was the best FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 19 PITTSBURG, CINCINNATI & ST. LOUIS ssued by the First Class Excursion Ticket. Chicago to Cincinnati. ZEFLe-fc-vsLEriaa.. The Coupons are good only when presented in connection with this Ticket, and stamped by the Ticket Agent. £ ,> r > s' General Ticket Agt. PITTS., CINCINNATI & ST. LOUIS R. W. VO OJ First Class Excursion Ticket. . RICHMOND CHICAGO. Good until May 6th, 1872. After which date it becomes forfeited. Not good if detached from the Ticket, nor until stamped by the Ticket Agent. Ex 1094 Cincinnati to Chicago. lO !— i Ol ~ Issued by PITTS., CIN. & ST. LOUIS R. W. 8 1 10 1 2 ! 12 i 6 1 II 1 7 13 CIN., HAMILTON & DAYTON R. R. First Class Excursion Ticket. v CINCINNATI ^RICHMOND. Good until May 6th, 1872. After which date it becomes forfeited. Not good if detached from the Ticket, nor until stamped the Ticket Agent. ho T— 1 Ex 1094 Cincinnati to Chicago. Issued by PITTS., CIN. b ST. LOUIS R. W. Where the Davis Fund went to. philosophy for me, I questioned the uncommunicative railroad official no further. The “ 53” tickets were shown by well-known politicians, who gathered in groups and discussed the probable and improbable results of the 20 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, Convention. It was late in the evening before the berths were prepared, or sleep was even thought of; and here, at the very outset of this experience of “Five Days a Politician,” I am constrained to digress in order to re- mark a very noticeable incident. As we left the depot in Chicago the “ white conductor” of the sleeping-car collected the tickets without assigning us our different berths. The tickets were deposited safely in the side pocket of a long pair of trousers, where they remained. Finally, the trousers were requested to disgorge, and dis- close “which was which,” and “what was what,” but that did not help our case, as we were still ignorant which numbers we were entitled to. We had three days previous to this secured the tickets, and supposed that the “gentlemanly conductor” knew his business, but soon realized that he did not. This may not seem per- tinent to “ that Convention,” but it was pre-eminently so to Convention-goers, and I am convinced that a large majority of the American travelers agree with me in pro- nouncing a white man on a sleeping-car more ornamental than useful — in fact, much the most useless man in America. He does scarcely any work. He is very rarely of any great beauty, is scarcely ornamental, and is far from being intelligent. It is his object to relieve the negro of responsibility, but the space he is compelled to occupy for this purpose is much more valuable for other uses. He may be, in the opinion of the proprietors, essential toward keeping up a certain “swell” style, but for all practical purposes perfectly useless. The time has come, in my opinion, and in the opinion of a large majority of the patrons of the sleeping-car, to popularize this eminently American institution by doing away with all its superfluous appendages, and reducing the cost of FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 21 ‘ ‘ The most useless man in America. ” such travel comforts within the means of all. Besides, I am firm in the belief that a sufficient number of capable negro conductors can be procured to attend to the wants of all such travel upon our railroads. These colored men are fully as capable as thei* “white superiors” that are at present generally employed. It is hard to believe that so large a number of white conductors can be found who are willing to sacrifice their manhood and dignity by occupying comparatively menial positions, far abler filled by the negro. The former certainly do not return “value received” in their labor, and no able-bodied 22 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, American can retain the dignity of manhood by falling short of this. To resume. We succeeded, however, on this journey in getting to bed long after the balance of a noisy set of passengers had retired, and we were “ well shaken be- fore taken ” along at a rattling speed over the roughest road that leads out of Chicago. Early next morning we were awakened by the ringing of a breakfast bell and the cry of “ Twenty minutes for breakfast/’ at Richmond, Ind. After breakfast we were switched onto a smooth track, and glided comfortably along toward the Queen City of the West. The grass on either side of the track was green and luxurious; the fruit trees were in full bloom; the birds sang sweetly, “ The birds sang sweetly.’’ and all nature seemed to us in her happiest, merriest garb. At the first stoppage south of Richmond our car was re-inforced with the first and only lady passenger we had had during our journey. Some one remarked FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 23 that she was probably a “ Lay Delegate.” Our fair fel- low-traveler was handsome, neatly dressed and apparently intelligent. She did “lay on ” with her tongue until she had completely quieted a number of “honorable gentle- men ” near her, who at home considered themselves re- markably good talkers. She frankly admitted that she had just been divorced, that she was on her way to “ that Convention,” and that she was again ready for business (matrimonially speaking). My excessive modesty for- bade me asking her how often she had visited Indiana; but as I heard her tongue run on, while her arms were gesticulating wildly, concerning the “great questions” of the day, I silently repeated the prayer of our Episcopal friends, from all such, “ Good Lord deliver us.” “Good Lord, deliver us!” 24 THAT CONVENTION ; OE, Leaving the immediate presence of the strong minded lady, I occupied a seat with one of the “ Hon.” gentlemen from Illinois. Said the gentleman to the crowd gathered around him, drinking in drops of political wisdom: “ I suppose you notice that the peach trees all along the road are in full bloom ?” Most of them had already noticed this. ‘Now,” said the “Hon.” gentleman from Illinois, “ I will bet a handsome wager that these blossoms will all ripen into peaches, and be eaten long before the nominee of ‘ that Convention * is elected President of the United States !” He spoke in dead earnest, and there was not a single taker, not a single smile, and the subject was soon after- ward changed. Politicians are smart fellows, generally. Have always on hand that cheap commodity called “ gas,” out West, but this crowd, evidently, on the morn- ing referred to, were a little dull. Among the passengers on our car was Hon. Mr. Grinnell, of Iowa, and Hon. J. D. Easter, of Illinois. The latter went on business, not as a delegate. Hon. Mr. Shannon, also from Illinois, one of the Democratic State Central Committee, and one of the “ hunkerest ” of the “ hunkers,” was of our party. Mr. Shannon told me he was going to Cincinnati to look on and report, that as the Democracy now had everything to make and nothing to lose, they must keep looking until they could find a congenial resting place. Mr. S. said that they could take Davis and Parker bodily, as they had not been politicians and were honest men. I thought this was sensible for him to say, and was con- vinced at the time that he was honest as he did not have a yellow ticket, nor was his piece of paste-board marked with the mystic letters — “ S-p-e-c-i-a-1.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 25 There was also in our car another “ Hon.” gent, worthy of note here. It was Mr. Abner Taylor, the great rail- road contractor, of Chicago. “ That man goes to Cin- cinnati,” said a friend of mine, “with his hands on the purse-strings of the Pennsylvania Central Railroad. Taylor wanted Davis to take the Western vote, and Curtin as second best man for protective Pennsylvania. The great contractor made a handsome fortune on the last Presidential election, and has a larger fortune to in- vest in the one approaching. He has much of the “ Grant manner ” about him. He says but little in a crowd, but keeps up a terrible amount of thinking, which led me to believe that he was making great preparations for the committee room. The mysterious “ 53 ” who held the “ yellow tickets ” marked “ Special ” were also busy. Oh ! how they did talk Davis. “Honest man, Sir!” “Good record!” “ Incapable of doing a mean or dishonest trick !” “Wealthy — no occasion to steal!” “Just the man for the times, Sir !” A good deal of this was doubtless true and I believe I had heard it before, but would not have expected to have heard it from so many fti one car, gathered together from all parts of the West. There is generally a wide difference of opinion on political matters in any crowd one may chance to be thrown in, but here the sentiments above expressed were unanimously ap- proved. At 9 :10 we arrived in the Queen City and landed from the ’bus at that solid and substantial, but lugubrious look- ing hotel, the Burnet House. Rooms, of course, were scarce, but by making a party of four, we were able to secure Room 237. We then started on an exploring tour in search of our rooms, led by a waiter boy who was “jest 26 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, hired for the Convention, Sah.” We followed — well, np some four or five flights of stairs — and were engaged in “ boxing the compass,” until Stavie exclaimed, in the lan- guage of Hamlet, “ I’ll follow thee (black man) no fur- ther,” and so said we all of us. We could find no speaking- tube with which to communicate with the lower regions, and our boy had disappeared. There was no passenger- elevator, hence we all concluded to halt and allow the boy to find the room and report its latitude and longitude. Halting near the stairway we looked down on the heads of the “ Hon.” crowd, until the boy shouted out from afar off, “ Come disway, gemmen delegates !” But Stavie FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 27 was suspicious and refused to go until the “ Hon. Gent ” from Illinois returned from the place from whence the sound proceeded and assured us that the black imp really had stumbled upon Boom 237. Now there is nothing about the number 237 taken collectively, or the numbers 2-3-7 as integers, but before “ that Convention ” closed its business, Room 237 became somewhat famous, and is, therefore, entitled to a more definite location. To reach it, you proceed from the street upward, say, sixty or seventy feet, via a stairway “ rough and rugged,” to a landing, thence north, thence east, thence north again, thence to the right, (can’t give the points of the compass,) to the entrance door. Or, in other words, Room 237 was in the north-east quarter of the west quarter of the south half of the east half of the south section of the topmost floor of the Burnet House, with no passenger elevator and no bell that was safe to bet on. 28 THAT CONVENTION ) OR, III. A “ Ten Strike.” When we arrived at the Burnet House, we deposited our autographs in a book kept for the purpose, but one of the “ Honorable ” gentlemen did not put in his ap- pearance, so there was but three of us there “in the flesh ” — Steady, Stavie and I. We were all quite fatigued from our extensive journey, and travel- worn, and there- fore concluded to rest a “ spell ” before commencing the difficult task of the week. After dinner we were intro- duced to a number of “ Honorable ” gentlemen from all parts of the land. “We were introduced to a number of Honorable gentlemen.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 29 Each one appeared to have his own idea of who the “ lucky (?) man ” would be ; what the platform should be ; and how the campaign should be conducted. The business was new to Stavie and myself, and we said but little the fiist day. "W e were apt enough, however, and learned quite rapidly, and all too soon got “ the hang ” of “ talking politics. 5 ’ At intervals we occupied our time in preparing ourselves for the opening day, which was Wednesday. Preparing for arduous duties. There was not much of a crowd, even at the Burnet, on Monday, and the city did not present a very busy ap- pearance. To kill time during the afternoon we hired a carriage for a ride about the city. I suppose, it would have been called a ride in Cincinnati, but we in Chicago would discharge any driver who would permit his team to travel at such a suicidal pace, for he could kill more 30 THAT CONVENTION ; OK, time and get over less ground than any driver I was ever fated to fall in — or fall out — with. “Such a Suicidal Pace.” Then, the hills ! They are everywhere about Cincin- nati. In fact it forcibly reminded me of my journey over the Rocky Mountains in ’59, when we “ doubled teams ” to get up hill and “ doubled ” at the back of the wagon to get down again. Our ride was concluded at somewhere in the neighborhood of the fifth hour of the afternoon; but what we saw is hardly worth mentioning as we went so wretchedly slow, and our time was so much occupied in showering blessings upon the devoted head of the driver, that I will omit any further account of that little episode as not pertinent to the subject. The shining hours of evening were principally em- ployed in meanderings, which finally brought us to Third street, where, over a store blazing with light and beauty, we read : “The Wonderful St. Bernard.” All of which fascinated us — the ambiguity, and glare FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 31 of light, and all that, — but especially the fair females, and we ventured in. Besides two fair females, who were “The wonderful St. Bernard.” the centre of attraction, was a Watchful Eye in the shape of a good looking young man whose air suggested pro- prietorship. Peacefully reposing upon the show- case near him was a box of envelopes. One of the young ladies took pity upon our ignor- ance, and in a sisterly manner that went to my susceptible heart — and afterwards to the bottom of my jiocket — elucidated their method of transacting business. 32 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, “Whose air suggested proprietorship.” “ You pay twenty-five cents,” she said, — and to make the explanation more satisfactory I did sO“-“for a chance to draw an envelope ” — which I proceeded to draw. Each envelope contains a card. THE WONDERFUL Please Examine the Goods which we sell for Ha® HftllftS IN DEPARTMENT 2. Front side of card. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 33 “The photograph on the other side is worth all the card costs, and the card entitles the holder to purchase any article in the department specified, upon payment of the small sum of one dollar. The higher the number, the more valuable the opportunities for selection — these are not prizes, you understand, but legitimate sales — we do a strictly legitimate business, strictly legitimate, you understand.” We understood. “ Thus, for instance ; in Departments 12, 13, or 14, you can buy a gold watch worth $40 or $50, for one dol- lar.” It was tempting, to be sure; so we invested one dollar in envelopes, but to our surprise, all the cards had low numbers. The Fair Female. I scratched my head, and addressed the smiling young lady thus: “We are c delegates’ Miss Cincinnati — we 34 THAT CONVENTION J OR, are. We came a long way from home to visit your beau- tiful city. We like your style of doing business here. In fact, if we were not nearly all married men, I might say, we like you; but that would hardly be proper on so short an acquaintance. Now we are c in shape’ to be of service to your business here, and if you will let us into the secret of drawing high numbers, you shall be re- membered by us when we get fully installed in the ‘ Pol- itics business.’ In short — sell us a prize.” She evidently felt the weight of my remarks, for she whispered in accents low and confiding, “ ,4s soon as the old man gets out of the way I wiir — meaning, doubtless, the Watchful Eye that was constantly upon us. Soon a gentleman dropped into the front part of the store, and the “ old man” left her side to wait upon him. “ Now,” said she, “ buy a dollar’s worth. You will get a prize” We made up a purse of one dollar between us, and were to draw lots who should take the prize. “I will draw all the envelopes from one place,” said she, “ and see what we will get.” So from one corner of the box she drew five envelopes, and handed them to Steady for his inspection: No. 1, Department 3 — No good. No. 2, Department 4 — Ditto. No. 3, Department 4 — Ditto. No. 4, Department 9 — Fair to middling. No. 5, Department 10 — A Gold Watch. We were burning with anxiety to know which of us should become sole proprietor of the “ gold” watch, and at once drew lots. Stavie and I lost, and Steady bore his blushing honors with becoming meekness — in fact, he rapidly bore them out of the store, as he noticed the now disengaged Watchful Eye edging over our way — and we all followed, after making hasty adieux . FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN, 35 We sent crowds of patrons to the St. Bernard on the strength of our good luck, but heard of no more “ ten strikes.” That night, upon returning to the hotel, Steady took pity upon the Davis Bund, and deposited a valuable col- lateral in the shape of an elegant fire-gilt gold watch. The Watch. 36 THAT CONVENTION J OR, IV. “ Long John/’ On Tuesday Fahrenheit let himself out in a manner more “liberal” than comfortable — in fact, it was hot. For further particulars, inquire of any one who was pre- sent. I don’t know whether Johannus Longinus, vulgarly called “Long John” Wentworth, was roasted out, or not, but this morning was the first time I had seen him during the Convention. If ever the baptismal patronymic of a man was adorned with an appropriate prefixatory sobriquet, it is that of “Long John.” He certainly is the longest man I ever saw. The fortune of that man would be assured who could effect an arrangement with him to travel and exhibit. He is so interminably, so everlastingly long, from his chin down to where his legs leave his body. Then his arms and legs — shades of departed giants ! — windmills and circus poles — with ample room under his expansive coat-tails for amphitheatre, menagerie, side shows, and all ! And that smile! Talk not to me of the Heathen Chinee. Imagine an earthquake upon the “ face of nature,” with a yawning gulf splitting it longitudinally near the centre, touching his Oriental ear on the one side, and his Occidental ear upon the other — then stretch your imagination to its utmost, and you still grope in FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 37 the dark. It must be seen to be appreciated. I saw it. I still live. Many who have seen it are dead. As to the matter of age — who can fathom hidden mys- teries ? Who knows the exact longevity of the Sphynx ? Suffice it to say, that he has lived ten years longer than he looks, and you may grasp the infinitude of his mammoth existence. ' A foraging expedition. But the crowning wonder concerning this man is his gastronomical achievements. I do not exaggerate when I say, that to see him eat — if one has already eaten, and suffers no danger from loss of appetite — is “ better than a circus,” or any other harmless but ennobling amuse- ment, for which one may have a weakness. He treats his food as he does a nomination he doesn’t like — he “bolts” it. When he lunches the waiters become de- mented ; when he takes a full meal he throws the Slaughter of the Innocents completely in the shade. His upper and nether jaws constitute a huge crushing 38 THAT CONVENTION J OR, machine, the capacity of which is only limited by the extremest culinary possibilities of the most extensive hotel — they part and meet again like old friends from a “They part and meet again like old friends.” long journey. While the aforesaid jaws are acting well their part, those long arms go out upon foraging expedi- tions, gathering in everything within reach. At this season of the year, his forte is asparagus, and his method of putting the succulent vegetable out of the way is pecu- liarly his own. Beaching after it the moment it touches the table, with his little and third fingers, he forms a slip * His forte is asparagus. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 39 noose, so to speak, and skilfully gathering the entire con- tents of the dish, he draws this once through his mouth from left to right, and there is nought left visible to the naked eye but a bundle of big ends which are cast aside. He doesn’t talk while he eats — time is too valuable, and the bill of fare too small. He never sits at the same table but once. At the Burnet House he generally had a table to himself. This, the proprietors informed me, was the most successful plan of supplying him ; besides, I never saw ony one who would eat with him a second time. I had the audacity to approach him when at dinner one day — “ My name is , Mr. Wentworth ; you introduced yourself to me one night at Metropolitan Hall, Chicago, during your last run for Congress, against Farwell. You seemed glad to see me then, and I recollect to this day the grip you gave me.” “ Yes, yes, I made a good many acquaintances among the c Boys ’ that campaign, but somehow they forgot me on election day ; I expect you are one of ’em — eh ?” He commenced roaring, and I left. The introduction mentioned is worthy of note. “ Long John” has a way of his own at electioneering. The night he is advertised to speak he stations himself at the entrance door of the hall, and grasps by the hand every one who enters. He has a hand that is a hand, and when the crowd is not too great he has a long grip not unlike that of a grizzly in its most affectionate mood. He shows great love for the “ Boys ” on all such occasions, and you would think from his manner that the people were all his near and dear relations. It is really very touching! The first time I attended a Wentworth meeting I submitted to one of his shakes. The second time I entered the hall 40 THAT CONVENTION J OR, through the stage door. A little of that style of intro- ducing oneself goes a great way with me. “He commenced roaring, and I left.” One man in Chicago says that “ Long J ohn ” has in- troduced himself to him some twenty-three times during the past ten years and yet, strange as it may appear, fails to recognize him on the streets. He generally spends about four hours at dinner, sitting down at two and finishing at six. As he came out of the dining room Monday evening lie was accosted by Colonel Campbell, of Kane County, thus : “ Mr. Wentworth, the delegation from Louisiana has just arrived. Would it not be well for us to go down and welcome them ?” “Welcome h 1!” roared the amiable gentleman from Illinois, “ they are all a set of d n thieves and I suppose you are one of them — eh ?” Colonel Campbell was dumfounded and he immediately FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 41 commenced bristling up for a fight ; but some of the friends of both parties rushed in and parted them. Now “Long John’s” body — head, legs, arms, fingers, — in fact, each longitudinal section of his corporosity, is extremely lengthy, but on this occasion his memory, eyesight and manner, were sufficiently short, for he has known Col. Campbell perfectly well for years. 42 THAT CONVENTION J OR. V. “ The Man of Destiny.” “George Francis Train, N. P.A.” From the sublimity of physical proportions to the pro- fessionally ridiculous is but a step — which brings me to N. P. A., which really means, “ Never to be President of America,” but is interpreted by the champion joker of the United States to mean, “ Next President of America.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 43 Prominent among the crowd at the Burnet House, as he is conspicuous in every gathering of men, George Francis Train, with his defiant, aggressive manner, that always reminds me of “ The boy stood on the burning deck,” was the observed of all observers. Say or think what you please of Train’s speeches, or course in life, socially he is one of the most genial and pleasant companions in the world. Quick to catch a joke, brilliant at repartee , always the same, he leaves nothing but pleasant memo- ries wherever he goes. To all those who vote him crazy, or a fool, I would advise that they do not tackle him in one of his “ Presidential Mass Meetings,” or on the cars — or anywhere else in public. There is such “method in his madness,” that his answers to all such cut like a knife. “ This Convention is your hope, is it not ?” I inquired of him, early in the week. “Oh, no;” said he, “how could you expect such a crowd as this to nominate a decent man for President ?” “ Does George Francis Train ever really expect to be President of the United States ?” some one inquires. Two years ago I had the pleasure of meeting him at that hotel in Omaha which he built in sixty days. I ventured to inquire of him his object in nominating him- self for the N. P. A., and he frankly answered that it was “ simply an advertising dodge.” Said he, “ When I lecture upon a scientific subject, no matter how learned or instructive, I am voted a bore by three-fourths of my audience, and they go away dissatisfied. But just as soon as I begin to talk about ‘ Train,’ they all laugh, are happy, and pronounce me a success. Now, you know, it makes no difference to me what I talk about. 44 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, The crowd is what I want, and I give them just what suits them best.” As a per contra to this, several other gentlemen being present, and at the interview mentioned, he said, “ I am just as sure to be next President as the sun is to rise to-morrow !” I have an indistinct recollection of a man who told a lie, and knew it was a monstrous lie when he told it. But he told it so often and so long, that at last persistency conquered, and he entertained no doubt as to the entire veracity of his story. “ You pays your money and takes your choice;” but rest assured that if you, or any other man, should innocently vote for the redoubtable individual, he, more than any one else, will laugh at the credulity of his victims; as did a certain Sol. Smith, whom I once knew in Ohio. Sol. had what he contended was a recipe for making “cold solder.” For years he preached up the virtues of his solder to the good people of my native town. But, as he was addicted to the cups, and habitu- ally intoxicated, no one seemed disposed to purchase. Finally, after long persuading, he succeeded in selling his recipe to an honest old merchant of the town for a jug of “groceries,” and went home happy. A few days after this the purchaser called Sol. into his store and upbraided him in the most unequivocal terms for cheat- ing him so badly with his cold solder recipe. “It is ab- solutely worthless,” said he — “ perfectly useless, sir! and I demand a return of my ‘ groceries/ sir, or I will have you arrested at once for swindling !” Sol. kindly allowed him to finish his tirade, and then coolly asked, “How do you know the recipe is worth- less r “ How do I know it, sir ? Why, I have tried it ?” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 45 “ How often ?” continued Sol. “ Why, a dozen times, and I know that it is a cheat and a fraud !” “Well/’ said Sol., you are a d -n sight bigger fool than I supposed you were, for I never did /” Train frequently showed himself among the throngs that congregated in the corridors of the Burnet House. His appearance was always the signal for the gathering of a tumultuous crowd, anxious to hear his satirical comments on the Convention, which were taken good humoredly by all parties. Train is always the gentleman and in return is usually treated as such. One exception, however, is worthy of mention from the overwhelming rebuke it received. A swelling, blustering fellow, push- ing his way into the centre of a circle listening to the great Irish champion, rudely and abruptly accosted him. “ Train ! you are a G — d d — n fool , that’s what I think of you. No one but a perfect ass would go around ex- hibiting himself like a monkey, for pay, as you do” — and more to the same effect. Train listened quietly until the fellow had exhausted his Billingsgate. “.If you are through,” said he, “ please tell me where you are from ?” “ I live, sir, at No. 26, street, London, England.” “I thought so,” said Train. “Gentlemen,” — turning to the crowd— “ street, London, is notorious over all Europe as the home of all the worst thieves, pick- pockets, pimps and jail birds in the world.” . The roar of the crowd drowned his words for a few minutes, but Train went on, mercilessly flaying the poor cockney, till cockney could stand it no longer, but cried out, “ I was only fooling ; I was born and brought up here in Cincinnati.” 46 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, He gave the last word a peculiar foreign pronunciation and Train, repeating it in imitation, exclaimed “ ‘ Seense- nattee !* that word proves you a liar. No man brought up in Cincinnatti ever pronounced his home “ Seensenat - tee: ” Under cover of the uproar, caused by this hit, our cockney disappeared. The man who got a joke on Train. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 47 VI. “ Give Me a Handkerchief !” I think I previously remarked that the weather on Tuesday was hot. If I am mistaken, I wish now to make a metereological memorandum to that effect. After breakfast we felt limp, and by noon we wilted, and were soon glad to indulge in the somewhat doubtful luxury of a climb to No. 237, for the sake of obtaining a small dose of “ tired nature’s sweet restorer.” When I say £ ‘we,” in this instance, count Stavie out, for he had been missing since shortly after breakfast. Steady and myself had hardly composed our weary limbs and per- turbed spirits for the coveted nap, ere the truant came “staving” into the room, breathless, hatless, reeking with perspiration, through which an expression of countenance was visible that brought us at once to a sitting posture. “ What, in Heaven’s name, can be the matter?” Steady and I ejaculated in chorus. “You look as though you had been visited by all the candidates in the list, from Train to Anthony, or interviewed by the hotel proprie- tors concerning that watch,” I added. Without heeding the irrevelence of my remark, Stavie dropped into a chair. “Matter!” cried he, catching his breath ; “ Matter ! — matter enough ! I was placidly r>ur- 48 - THAT CONVENTION ; OR, - suing my way along the north side of the square skirting the Davison fountain, utterly oblivious of the thronging multitude, when I discovered — ” “ That you had lost something ?” interrupted Steady. “The truant came ‘staving’ into the room.” — “ In a low, unpretending fancy store— { my beating- heart lie still!’ — the woman of my dreams. I have traveled this wide world all over — I’ve seen the fairest of the fair, the pearl of the harem, the lustrous-eyed Spanish, the beauty of all nations — but, hang it all — she knocks the spots out of anything I ever tumbled on to !” “ Did you follow her — did you lose sight of her ?” we eagerly asked. “ No ; she was behind the counter.” “ A shop girl I” I scornfully exclaimed. TIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 49 “ The woman of my dreams.” “ St. Bernard,” slyly suggested Steady. I was done. “ Stavie,” said Steady, “ I am astonished at you. You must be ‘ a little out.’ ” “ I am,” said Stavie, wofully ; “ three dollars and forty-five cents.” “ This is too serious a subject to joke about,” con- tinued Steady. “ I thought you came here to work for Davis. How are you fulfilling your great mission ?” “ I know I did, but I came — I saw that face — I was conquered. I was doing what I could, but that is all over. I am sorry I ever went into the politics business, and unless you immediately accept my resignation I shall drown myself in the turbid Ohio.” After a pause he continued, “ Come with me — c come where my love lies dreaming,’ and then you can under- stand what you now consider my senseless infatuation.” 50 THAT CONVENTION J OR, To this we finally consented, and with a sigh relin- quishing all prospects of the coveted siesta , we meekly followed in the wake of Stavie who sped impetuously down the stairs, and like a honey bee bound for its storehouse of sweets, took as straightforward a line for his objective point as the streets of the city would allow. “ I’ll tell you boys,” said he, as he walked along, some- thing of his wonted jocularity having returned, “ When I finally entered the portal that leads to the princess, I was dazzled by the efulgence of her ineffable beauty. I paid mute homage at the shrine before me. In fact, I stood there like a ‘dumb fool’ so long, that in the most dulcet tones she inquired, while every fibre of my being thrilled as she addressed me — ‘ How can I have the pleasure of serving you, sir ?’ “Give me a handkerchief!’ FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 51 Give me a handkerchief V I managed to say, and immediately felicitated myself on the lucky accident of speech upon which I had stumbled. It was a merciful Providence that kept me from calling for a jack-knife, a keg of nails, a glass of beer, or a skeleton skirt. But I had made a hit. I knew her lily hands would impart a perfume above all price, and that it would reach my lips — and my dripping brow — before the odor should have fled. * What price would you like, sir ?* * Price !* I exclaimed. Then, in a tone that I have learned to draw from my very sole, so deep and pas- sionate, is it, bending my head till it almost touched her wealth of curls, I added, ‘ I have not the heart to name the price. Will you oblige me by making the selection V She did so. I handed her a bill. I think I forgot the change. I don’t know as there was any. I only know I rushed off madly mopping my face — so far as anyone could see ; in reality, I was wildly kissing the treasure those dear hands had given me — for $5. Hold !” We were now in front of the little fancy store, and while Steady and I were prospecting, we noticed Stavie pretendedly engaged in mopping his face ; we knew that he was assiduously engaged in kissing the costly rag. By a strategic movement, on the part of myself, the over-curious Steady suddenly found himself vis-a-vis with the fair charmer inside, while Stavie continued his little joke with the handkerchief, and I held myself in reserve. Directly Steady came out. “ Isn't she splendid , boys!” exclaimed this amorous politician, entirely forgetting the woman who bears his name, and the heart that beats alone for him. “ What did you buy?” I asked. 52 THAT CONVENTION J OH, “ A handkerchief.” “ Did you get your change ?” “ Change ? No. I never thought of it. How could I take change from her ?” I didn’t know. But I thought I needed a handker- chief. Besides, it was my turn, and candor compels* me to record, that, spite of a loving wife and a trio of cherubs at home — I bought a handkerchief and I forgot my change. I knew how it was myself. We thoughtfully wended our way to the Burnet, but from that hour Stavie was lost to the Davis’ interest, and in Steady a changed manner, a melancholy as pensive as it was becoming, might have been marked. I was pained at their infatuation. I had reason to be, for it was contagious. But Stavie was not a whit selfish. He generously in- formed everyone where to go for handkerchiefs. It got ‘ ■ An interminable crowd was taking turns. ” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 53 out among the delegates — and to some of them the in- formation was invaluable ! He told them that a much greater than either a National Convention or a Presi- dential Candidate was at No. 10, Fifth street, and by nightfall as we passed that way, an interminable crowd was taking turns at buying handkerchiefs of our fair charmer. Neighboring shop-keepers thought “that • Convention” had adjourned to the fancy store. As I saw the throng of men, all eager for an audience, men with wives and small children, my heart ached. I thought of an immortal tragedy in Algiers, in which a handkerchief played so important a part. (My attention was again somewhat unexpectly called to the same sub- ject, when, upon returning home, my wife found un- counted dozens of the tell-tale rags in my baggage, which I had forgotten to leave at Cincinnati.) 54 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, vn. The First Gun — And The First Campaign Song. Tuesday night the “Illinois Boys” (some 500), met at Mozart Hall to arrange for the morrow, when the nominating Convention was to open. The Davis crowd largely outnumbered all the balance. In fact, in point of numbers they were as a mountain to a mole hill, in comparison with the Adams, Trumbull and Palmer interest ; but as they could afford to be magnanimous they decided to divide the 42 Illinois votes in Conven- tion, giving 21 to Davis, 10^ to Trumbull, and 10^ to Palmer, supposing that after the first ballot the weaker candidates would vote for Davis. This meeting was decidedly amusing. Mr. Fell, from McLean county, was elected Chairman, and on taking his seat he politely invited all the Democrats present to retire, and “ wished it distinctly understood that this is a Republican meet- ing and if it became necessary to take a full vote he did not want the fact to go abroad that there were’ any Democratic votes cast. I noticed my friend, the mem- ber of the State Democratic Central Committee, prompt- ly retire, followed by other prominent Democratic gentle- men. Then came up the question of representation. Whereupon Colonel Hough, a well-known politician and wealthy Chicago gentleman, arose to address the meeting. To use a phrase more expressive than elegant, FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 55 the Colonel is “a brick.” Physically, he is possessed of great strength, which is fitly complemented by more than ordinary mental calibre. But he was not the kind of a man the wire-pullers wanted to hear from, for he abused several of them who stood on the platform most unmer- cifully — Dexter, Fairbanks, and others. Then the “Boys” hissed; then they groaned and stamped their feet to drown him out. Then one after another of the leaders came to him, and begged the old gentleman to desist, but all to no effect. He was bound to speak his piece. When the noise drowned his voice entirely he would quietly fold his arms and wait until the “ Boys” were tired out. Then he would fire his oratorical grape and shell into them again. Then the “Boys,” would resume. But the Colonel could not be cried down. The Chair decided once or twice that he would uphold the right of free speech. So the leaders and “ Boys” were at last obliged to listen to his homely truths, no matter how near they struck home. After the storm had raged for nearly an hour, the Chair very politely requested the Colonel to allow the meeting to vote on the delegation question; after which, if he so desired, they would listen to him further. Whereupon he subsided, after offering to bet then and there, $10,000 in good and lawful money that, no matter who was nominated at “ that Convention,” he would never be elected. There were no takers. Then “Long John” arose, towering far above the heads of the balance of the “ Boys,” and wished before the meeting adjourned to say a few words: “ I come before you, my boys,” said he, “ all scarred with political wounds. I am not afraid of defeat. For the future I am with you. My heart is with you. (Here his long right arm wandered from its resting-place, 5G THAT CONVENTION ; OR, adown his side, smiting what I thought was 7iot the quarter-section of his anatomy overlying the heart — but perhaps it was.) “Now, my Democratic boys, don’t go. We want you here. We want your votes, too. (Of ‘ ‘ My heart is with you. ” course they did.) We will treat you magnanimously. Boys, don’t do as the Chairman advised, but stay, boys, stay.” By this time I suppose the Democratic “ Boys” who had remained were in a quandary as to what course to pur- sue, and soon after the meeting adjourned. This meet- ing fully showed the immense strength of the Chicago Tribune’s influence — 10| votes out of 42 was all it could muster for its pet candidate Trumbull, and this too after it had been trying for months to educate the public mind. Horace the Little looked unwell. The Davis mountain was too much for him : he felt it then, and it crushed him completely when Horace the Greater was nominated. After adjournment the “Boys” went their ways. The beer gardens came in for their share of the Davis FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 57 Fund. Our party retired to a quiet garden to discuss the evening’s fun over a glass of lager. "We could hear the Davis Boys in an adjoining garden “We struck up.” chuckling over their prospective success, and in order to ascertain how they felt we struck up, to the good old tune of “ Saw my leg off Catching the inspiring strain, they sang back : “We have cut him, We have cut him. We have cut him — Cut him shobt! “ Al-so Ad-ams ! Dit-to Trum bull ! Dit-to Palm-er ! — Also all ! 58 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, “ ’Cause why ?” we shouted. Then, in a stronger and fuller chorus, they sang out : “ Da-vis lag-er, Da- vis lag-er, Lag-er costs ns- Costs us nix! ” and more to the same effect. “Sharp and quick.” The style of the song struck me as especially appro- priate for campaign purposes, and I hope our good Methodist friends will not consider its adaptation for political purposes more sacreligious than is their own appropriation for prayer-meeting use of “ John Brown’s Body/’ “ Lily Dale,” and other recent and popular airs. To produce an effect in the artistic rendition of the difficult classical music which is given, the action should be sharp and quick, the singer biting off the last word with a snap — or speaking somewhat as though some, one had suddenly intruded upon the sacred privacy of your pet corn, for instance. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 59 But for tbe Divine Inflatus which inspired the poetic words of the song, one must patronize Gambrinus, as we did. Otherwise, imitators can hardly hope to gain the Promethean heights attained by our happy crowd upon that eventful Tuesday night. 60 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, VIII. The Keal Thing at Last. After “ whipping the devil around the stump ” for two days, I finally was forced to succumb to the logic of events. I had sounded the heights and depths of Young Sin-so-natty and Old Sin-so-naughty. I had ridden around ; I had “ done ” the St. Bernard, while, in turn, the handkerchief girl had un-done me ; I had interviewed the notables from near and far, and found the latter method the most desirable to me, as it doubt- less was to them. In fact, I had been fighting fate. I might ease my conscience as regards complicity in spend- ing the Davis Fund, upon the ground that I was not a sinner above hundreds of others ; but how could I go home from Cincinnati and say, “ I hadn’t been in that Convention ?” I surrendered to a force of circumstances over which I had no adequate control, and trusted to luck for the result. And now that I have got fairly pinned down — as a bug collector would say, or “ committed,” as the politicians would have it — I am forcibly reminded that one queer feature of “ that Convention” was the comparative size of the drinks taken by delegates from different parts of the country. I had been told before that the politiciims of Louisiana and Texas took about one-tenth the quan- FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 61 tity that the politicians of Illinois or Wisconsin did. So here was my opportunity. The Burnet House bar is a capacious room, located in the basement, and was liber- ally patronized by delegates after adjournment. And there I stationed myself, not for the purpose of being asked up to drink, for I had a bed-fellow who shall be nameless in this connection —no matter how frequently mentioned elsewhere — who was one of the cashiers of the Davis Fund, and he was the most liberal fellow — with other people’s money — that you ever saw. But drinking is not a forte of mine, however. Well, I did not have to wait long, for if there is any one place at a Convention more noisy than another it is the bar-room. I noticed a number of Louisiana dele- gates approach and drink. They certainly did not take more than a good-sized tumbler full. Then each set down his glass and departed. They were natives, and “to the manner born” — not “ Carpet-Baggers .” Then came up Mississippi ; she took a little more. Soon I noticed Tennessee, she saw Louisiana, and went her “ one better.” Kentucky took a little more. Ohio and Indiana were soon represented ; and at this point I saw what, in my innocence, I supposed to be a “ square drink.” Then “the most prominent man in ‘that Con- vention’” walked up and ordered his poison like a little man. But I noticed a commotion behind the bar when this individual appeared. “Long John” was “ one too many ” for them. Upon subsequent inquiry, I learned that only the day before one of the bar-tenders was discharged for allowing him to empty the bottle at one drink. This time the proprietor waited upon him. He did not wish to appear frightened, I suppose, but he kept up a reluctant fum- 62 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, bling about the bottles before making the right selec- tion. The “ Hon.” gentleman from Illinois emptied its entire coutents (it was not quite full), laid down the change for one drink, and departed. The bar-keeper dolefully remarked, as the last rod of “ Long John ” dis- appeared from the room : “ Well, if all my customers drank like that man, I’d be a bankrupt in a fortnight. One of his drinks would supply the whole of the Mis- sissippi delegation for a week.” An interesting study. Another feature of “ that Convention,” to which, I believe, I have previously alluded, which was as remark- able as it was popular, was the seemingly inexhaustible Davis Fund. As to the truth of the assertion that Judge Davis gave his check for $75,000, I am unable to vouch, but of one thing I am certain, there was no limit to the ex- penditure of his money while the Convention lasted. Gen. Harlan, —Gov. Palmer’s private secretary — told FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 63 me that his crowd was completely demoralized by the Davis “Boys/ 5 and the appropriation at his command was as the widows’ mite in comparison to the Davis Fund. During Tuesday and Wednesday whole train- loads arrived from Illinois, travelling upon passes ; and out of some three hundred and fifty from Bloomington alone, there were two score, or more, of men, who, a prominent railroad contractor informed me, had driven spikes for him a short time before. In short, the Davis Fund was a most benificent arrangement, affording a pleasant excursion for the laboring poor, clothes for those who needed them, payed hotel bills, bought presents for the loved ones at home, and was “ shelled out ” without stint to any one who would work for Davis. The sequel showed that if money is a power, it isn’t always supreme, and cannot be counted on to insure a nomination. On Wednesday the ball was fairly opened, and “that Convention ” of self-selected, self-asserting, and self- sufficient politicians, succeeded in effecting a temporary organization. “ Exposition Hall ” was an eminently ap- propriate place for such a mongrel assemblage. I was well supplied with tickets. I not only had a member’s ticket, (a fac simile of which my printer has now made immortal,) but also a “press ticket,” — which was yellow, and suggested the small-pox cards of Chicago, — which are also of the same color,— which was certainly apropos , for the Convention originally “ broke out ” among the newspaper men, and to a certain limited extent its ravages were fearful. If I dared, I would “ let on ” how that press ticket of mine did double duty — how I would first pass in myself, and then slip it through the fence for a friend to use, 64 THAT CONVENTION J OR, and how it got ns seats upon the platform with the “ great guns ” of the affair, and all that. But this por- tion I have decided to carefully suppress, as I may wish to repeat the operation at some future time. One of the first things that attracted my attention, after getting comfortably upon the grand stand, was the effigy of the omni-present Goddess of Liberty, surround- ed with a luxurious growth of India-rubber plants ! I can’t say that those who decorated the hall intended it as a joke, but the elasticity with which this female plays an important part in political gatherings of every shade and complexion of opinion, however opposite the prin- ciples of each, seemed to be keenly caricatured by the arrangement referred to. But I digress. As we sat at dinner on Wednesday, one of the New York delegates took a seat opposite, and called a waiter. “ What have you got for {hie ) dinner, John r “ Here is a Bill of Fare, sir,” said John. THE ELASTIC GODDESS. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 67 “How that press ticket of mine did double duty.” “ Bill o’ what, John ? Aint you got any illustrated cards, (hie) John ?” “ Don’t know nuffiin’ ’bout no sich, Sah ! ” “ Pert’ fellow, ( hie ) you, (hie) John ! Don’t know what a ’lustrated (hie) bill, is ? Why, they are all the go in New York, John ; just the thing for (hie) me, John.” “ Why so, Sah?” asked John. “Wall, (hie,) tell you, John, I can’t read — so tell me what y’ got for dinner.” “We’ve got roast beef, roast turkey, boiled corned beef, mutton, fish, soup, ” “ Hold on h Hold on (hie) John. Anything — don’t care what — to beat Grant . Bring me anything, John (hie), to beat Grant /” 68 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, After the arduous duties of opening the Convention, we remained long at table, and wishing to feel the negro pulse relative to the live political issues of the day pro- ceeded to formally interview William, our colored boy. We opened our conversation in the following cautious manner : “ Well, William, what do you think of all this fuss, and who are you for ?” “I’sefor de man dat settles de soda-water question.” “ Tell you, Sah. Fse for de man dat settles de soda- water question,” responded our sable friend. “ What soda-water question?” we inquired. “ Why, I tell you gemmen delegates,” said the boy. “ Few days ’go my old chummy and me cum up frum Natchez, an' I asked Jake (dat’s de feller what was wid me, Sah,) for to take sumpin, and we hit on. soda, Sah ! We walked into a Big-Bug soda-water shop, laid down de tin, and sequestrated de gemmen behind de bar to FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 69 fotch us out two drinks of de sweetened wind. What d’ye ’spose dey told Jake and me, Sail ?” We signified our inability to even surmise, whereupon William continued : “ Why, Sah, de poor white trash behind de bar, ’lowed as how dey didn’t sell soda to niggers in dat shanty !” We manifested the utmost indignation at the dis- courteous treatment of William and his friend, when that gentleman proceeded to enlighten us on the soda- water question still further. With that knowing look so peculiar to the trans- planted cotton-field darkey, William continued: “ De berry nex day arter, I fought I’d try dat feller of de soda shop on, so Jake and me took ourselves round to de shop and perlitely made a bequest of de young pill- box to fotch us out some pisen, and oh ! lawdy gemmen, how dat air same sawbones as didn’t sell soda to niggers fotched out de pisen and snaked de stamps frum de paw of William Augustus Kobinson (dat’s me, Mister delegates!) Do you call dat freedom?” said William, warming up. We replied that we considered the action of the apothecary clerk a piece of tyranny not even equalled by the most dastardly act ever committed by the in- famous Nero. William thereupon answered rather equivocally the first question we put him in this manner: “ I votes for niggers gettin soda at a Big-Bug soda- shop, and de man dat settles de soda-water question is de man for de cullud pussons !” Stavie inquired of William, who, in his opinion, all the delegates around “ were goingfor.” “ Goin for?” asked our darkey. “ Why I ’spose dey going for what dey been done goin for ever since dey been ’bout hear !” 70 THAT CONVENTION J OR. “ What is that?” interrogated Stavie. “ Good, square meals, Sah! Why, de troof is, gem- men, dem fellers dat dey call delegates order jis as if vittels don’t cost nuffin!” “William,” said Stavie, very solemnly, “Guess you are right, my boy ! Guess they don’t. Mine don’t, I know ! Your head is beyond a doubt level upon that point, William. Judge Davis furnishes the money to support this crowd.” “ Who’s he, Sah ?” asked the boy. “Why, don’t you know? He’s one of the Presi- dential candidates,” replied Stavie. “ Must be a awful big man to pay all dem air bills !” ejaculated William, with unfeigned wonder. “ He is, William,” said Stavie again solemnly but evidently with great positiveness, as he handed the boy his napkin and left the table. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 71 IX. The Women in “ That Convention.” Col. Susie B. Anthony. — Warranted to travel anywhere without fear of molestation. The women — bless their dear hearts! — must not be mixed up with the naughty men, and I give them a little chapter all to themselves, which for length, compared with the entire book, is about in the same relative pro- 72 THAT CONVENTION ; OR. portion as the numerical strength developed by the “ suppressed sex ” at Cincinnati, as compared with the entire attendance. Pray don’t misunderstand me when I say “ numerical strength,” for is not Susan B. Anthony as good as any ten specimens of the “ Fourteenth Amendment,” or equal to a thousand white men — in some particulars ? Can’t she talk until a congregation or a Convention resembles a lunatic asylum ? And can’t she play the very deuce with the printers, when she commences throwing off “ copy ?” (I suppose that her resemblance 'to Horace Greeley in this respect is what makes th^m love each other so!) Well, she was there ? and represented the aggressive female American brains, while the beauty of strong-mindedness was personified in Bev. Laura de Force Gordon, a properly credentialed delegate- frohi California. But these sore-headed men would only allow them to serve as “ things of beauty,” which was just what they didn’t want. They wanted to talk — but the men wouldn’t let them, and under the fatherly or brotherly care of the brilliant but erratic Theodore Tilton, this champion of the Coming Woman, and her younger confrere , the Sun-Set Hope of the Cause, held sweet intercourse together in sight of the assembled multitudes. After a while, Miss Gordon became restless under the imposed silence, and addressed the chair. At first she received no response, but finally, Mr. Schurz, in the most polite manner possible, begged her pardon, but said that as he understood the action of the Committee on Cre- dentials, the ladies were only extended the courtesy of seats upon the platform. Shortly after these two disappeared from my sight. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 73 ** F. G. W. ’s ” Candidate. Perhaps they adjourned to a neighboring suburb and tried their hand at snipe-shooting, along with Belmont. 74 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, X. “ The Plot Thickens ” — Our Trio Becomes a Quartette. Wednesday night was rendered memorable by the arrival of ‘‘Botch.” “ We were glad to see Botch.” Botch, you see, was one of our friends who intended y to accompany us Sunday evening, but he had a little matter up in Milwaukee to attend to, so he was delayed. He was appointed “ delegate ” from Chicago to attend a funeral. This is a way Chicago has of attending to all FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 7 5 the funerals in the small suburbs adjacent, which I think is very kind of Chicago. Botch has a sympathetic nature — can get out more tears in a given time than any other man in the Garden City. So he generally gets plenty to do in the funeral line. Botch is a good fellow. We all like him. He is also a man of letters and parts. He graduated in the same class with most all the prominent men of the land. He is single. His age I cannot tell. His life has been a queer one. He told me all about it one day. After he graduated he was induced to study Medicine. So, in good faith, he commenced and studied faithfully, until one day the fact struck him that all the text books seemed to teach one thing that did not appear clear to him; and that was, that all the remedies that the books recommended to be taken by the sick, would, if taken by a well person, either kill or cause sickness. Botch is conscientious, and he promptly swore off from the “ medicine business.” He then tried the Law. Bacon, and Chitty, and Blackstone, he read until his eyes were dim and he began to flatter himself that he was a Lawyer. Finally, one forenoon he was sitting in one of the Court-rooms in Illinois, when in marched Gridley, of Bloomington, (who was also one of the delegates to the Convention,) carrying a small cart-load o! law books under his arms; and in his squeaking voice addressed the bench — “ May it please your Honor, I would like to read you some law on the case you decided last nigh't.” “ If the gentleman will be so kind, he will remember that the Court has rendered its decision in the case and there is no further need to cite authorities,” said the Judge. “ I suppose your Honor was right,” continued Mr. G., 76 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, but I just wanted to prove to you what d n fools old Chitty and Bacon were !” Whereupon Botch quitted the law. But geniuses are versatile and so is Botch. He and another graduate were next induced to try the Ice Cream business. We all used to patronize our collegiate friend, but somehow he did not stick to it — I really do not know why. Next after this, and shortly after the Great Fire, some one told Botch that the fire had destroyed all the birds in the city, and that there would be a great demand for them in the spring. So Botch bought a lot of wood land which was recommended to him as being “ good for birds.” He provided himself with a goodly quantity of salt, and following the advice of his friend, sought to catch his birds by the traditional method of sprinkling salt upon their tails ! “Creep up to them carefully,” said that disinterested friend, and while their attention is attracted by some other object, you can sprinkle the salt upon their tails, then they will turn around to eat it and you can easily capture them.” He followed the simple directions implicitly, and a few unsuccessful attempts did not discourage Botch. But at last the horrible fact occurred to him that he was using an article on which a duty was paid. Botch is a strong “ Free Trader. ” He is conscientious about this as in every other matter. He dropped his handful of salt and swore — no, vowed , for he doesn’t swear, that he would not follow any business that in any way encour- aged this accursed protective tariff! And then he quit the bird business and he has a large sign on his wood land inscribed with the quaint legend — “ Fos Sale.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 77 “He followed the simple directions implicitly.” But as I remarked before, Botch is a good fellow, and we all like him. It was out of pure affection for our versatile friend, entirely unmixed with sinister or selfish motives, that Steady appointed Botch a “ delegate ” to “ that Convention,” and set him up in the “ politics business.” “ He ought to succeed at that,” said Steady, “ but I don’t know ; these thorough-bred gentlemen seem to lack some essential elements, as does the Clay stock of horses. I like the self-made — those fellows that grow from the ground up by their own unaided efforts. There was a fellow of that sort who once lived in Galena, 111., — saved the country, you know, and then he was elected President. He was not one of the “ first families,” but somehow whatever he undertook was crowned with the prestige of victory !” (Unanimous applause from Stavie and I, the more especially as this truthful eulogy was pronounced by a rabid Davis man.) Well, we were glad to see Botch, and shook him up lively, squeezing his hand a la “ Long John.” “ Yellow ticket, Botch ?” we asked. 78 THAT CONVENTION J OR, “ Yes, marked ‘ special. 5 ” “ Good enough, old boy; and now how are you off for a room ?” The new arrival looked blank. “ I’ve no room,” said he — “ supposed there would be plenty. Did not think many people would be here.” The idea that there wouldn’t be many people in Porkopolis when it was the Nation’s uprising, so to speak, to save the Country ( to the office-seekers !) “ We can fix you, though. Have just room for ‘one more’ in our party. You’re all right. Send your bag- gage to 237.” “We did what we could to make him tight and comfortable.” Here I wish to draw a veil, as it were. I don’t like to talk about anyone, and I wouldn’t say anything about Botch for the world. He is a good fellow and he lives in Chicago. He is a single man ; also, a man of letters FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 70 and of parts, graduate, and all that. But he has his little idiosyncrasies. We did what we could to make him tight and comfort- able — but he didn’t stay in 237. Four of us, actual count, retired in that room Wednesday night, but at the usual hour in the morning for playing on the harp, and taking our political lesson, Botch was missing. 80 THAT CONVENTION ; OR. XI. Room 237 — “I Could a Tale TJNFOLD. ,, “ F. G. W. ” saving his country at Cincinnati. I don’t suppose that it is just according to the Author’s “ ring ” to unveil to the gaze of the vulgar world, the secrets of one’s household, or hotel. I don’t know as there is any rule for the “ ring,” or whether FIVE BAYS A POLITICIAN. 81 there is any such ring. I don’t know as anything I have written has been according to rule. But as I have had frequent occasion in this “ o’er true tale ” to advert to room No. 237, Burnet House , and to refer to it in a manner at least suggestive, and as I profess to be a faithful historian, whatever else I may be, I will at least recur to it, and touch briefly and tenderly upon what there transpired. All human beings require some relaxation, and if politicians cannot properly be classed under this head, yet they must “let up” occasionally. We “let up ” in 237. And right here I wish to digress in order to place one man’s record right before the public. If anyone should take the trouble to glance over the Burnet House register to see who occupied 237 during the Convention week, I wish to tell them that the estimable gentleman whose name appears fourth and last, was not an occupant of the room, and was entirely irresponsible for any trans- actions which there occurred, whether wise or otherwise. There 'were only three of us — I think I have previous- ly mentioned their names somewhere, Steady, Stavie, and “ Yours respectably ” — save the one small section of a night when our dear friend Botch shared our hospi- talities, and, like the Arab, folding his bandana hand- kerchief, stole silently away, at an hour and moment to us unknown, not even leaving his umbrella or paper collar box to tell that he had been there. Night is the time, ’tis said, when Genius, like the owl, flits about. It was at night I did my heavy writing, and carefully propped up by a pile of pillows, with with a wet towel around my fevered brow, undisturbed by naught save the unobtrusive popping of wine corks, 82 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, the playful breaking of bottles and other articles of furniture usually to be found in a first-class hotel, my versatile pencil ran serenely on. I say versatile pencil, because sometimes it would try to write with the blunt end downwards, and occasionally, a wine bottle in its fervid flights, would send the pencil turning bewildering somersaults in mid-air. I am pained to say that during a good share of Mon- day and Tuesday nights the room was noisy — in fact, it was what some people might term very noisy. I know that’s what a next door neighbor — who had come up from a lower floor to get where it was quiet — called it, with an expressive adjective connected with his forcible style of wording it. He took the matter so much to heart that he reported it at the office, where he received the satisfactory answer that it was “ Convention week, and the boys have come down here for fun, and they must have it, you know.” In response to this he ungraciously consigned the Convention and every one connected with it, to a locality the name of which is better known than its geographical location. All of which was entirely super- fluous, the more especially as a majority of the delegates already had through tickets — that Davis didn’t pay for, — and the balance wished themselves there when they found out who they had nominated. But to return to our friend. After that, when we would hear him tossing about, and groaning, and getting up corners on swear words, we used to sympathize with that man. And to let him know how we laid awake to pity him, some of the boys would lovingly toss a stray boot, or a broken chair — I don’t know why, but the chairs in our room were mostly all weak somewhere, or FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 83 some other little relic, and when these would strike the wall dividing his room from ours, he would always manifest in an original manner that was quite taking, his lively appreciation of our sympathy in his sleepless vigils. I’ve met that same man since and he didn’t know me. Such is gratitude ! As I said before, the proprietors of the Burnet were very kind to the “ boys ” — much kinder than they were to the girls, for when the Anthony, and the Sun-Set Hope, of the Woman’s Cause, attempted to talk in a quiet way to the wise men there assembled, in the parlors of the hotel, the proprietors, taking their cue from the Convention, in the most surprising manner walked them out under escort of two brave c< stars !” It is evident that the Burnet House was “ run ” in the interest of the “ boys ” that week. To resume. It cost Steady many an hour’s sleep, and many a “ line upon line,” to train Stavie and I how to be politicians — how to gesticulate — how to argue — how to give effective emphasis, when necessary, by striking on the table with clinched fists — and how to drink. And here I wish to rise to a question of privilege. The word “ drink ” has been mentioned, and I wish to set “ our crowd” right on the Liquor Law question. Of course we drank a little lager, and the boys used to order up wine bottles occasionally — simply to keep the shiftless waiters employed. Personally, I confined myself to “still Catawba,” which is hardly a beverage with which a first-class politician would ever astonish his stomach. Sometimes, I must admit, we became hilarious, but always good-naturedly so. And under these circum- stances the fertility of invention displayed by each in his 84 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, efforts to destroy the prevailing monotony — and such articles as were not immovably a part of the room, were certainly amusing to ourselves. It might not have proved equally diverting to any chance visitor. I know the waiters dreaded that room as they do the K. K. K., or his Sulphurious Majesty I don’t know why, but the same one never answered our bell the second time. Perhaps, after all, I may be too sensitive — perhaps they liked it so well that they wanted to give each other “a fair show.” But the same one never came but once — at a time, and one of them I know never came but one time. That was one of the first nights we were there. The FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN, 85 boys had been having their little fun in keeping the waiters climbing with fresh relays of wine bottles, until I remember that I was convinced that their little joke had gone far enough. I expatiated and urged them to quit, but they didn’t know enough, at that moment, to quit; or, if they did, they didn’t; and as I didn’t feel equal to the exertion — I was very tired just then, I in- distinctly remember — of assisting them to quit, I pounced upon the next luckless darkey that stuck his frightened head inside the door — I always like to take some one I can whip ; whereupon occurred a little * ‘ Whereupon occurred a little ‘ walk-around. ’ ” “ walk-around ” such one does not often see — even at Hooley’s Minstrels. With one grasp on his coat collar, and my other hand, like that of Fate, held threatening- ly aloft, I played ghost to the blackest Hamlet, with the scaredest face, that you most likely ever saw. The wine 86 THAT CONVENTION J OR, bottles, which the wretch had brought, went one way, the glasses another, and he a third — which was finally — to my relief and I suppose to his — towards the door. Then I “ bounced ” him, giving him a good starter on his return trip down stairs, which I’ll be bound was a short one. Then I betook myself to blissful dreams, in which politicians, champagne bottles with human heads, .and other Sons of Darkness, went jigging about in intermin- able circles. But no more wine came up that night — nor any more deluded darkies. As I have suggested, 237 was not a healthy place for darkies. I think it must have been because it was too “ high ” for them, the atmosphere was too exhilerating, so to speak. Perhaps they might have grown accustom- ed to this after a time, but they never managed to stay long enough to become acclimated. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 87 XII. “F. G. W.” Swears Off. Political Life. It may have incidentally occurred to some one that I have said but little about “that Convention.” It was made up, principally of “ sore heads ” — whom, I am in- formed showed their credentials by taking off their hats; old line wire-pullers and log-rollers ; the cashiers of the Davis Fund ; and a crowd of lookers-on who enjoyed the whole affair as a big joke. Hence, the less said about it, save as a joke, the better. Friday night the city purged itself, and took a square sleep. Steady’s installment of the Davis Fund having struck 88 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, bottom, he struck out for home directly after the adjourn- ment. Stavie and I remained over night, and, felicitating our- selves upon our near release from the “ politics business,” slept the sleep of the just. At early dawn, on Saturday, we left the hospitable shelter of the Burnet, homeward bound. We were both tired out, and neither cared to say much about his life in Cincinnati. So my mind wandered back over my “ five days a politician,” and I trust with profit. To be a first-class politician, then, you must drink “early and often.” This is not my forte. You must tell falsehoods — in the name of your “party.” You must accept the man who is nominated by your “ party ” — no matter how unfit he is for the office. You must deceive your best friend, if need be, for the good of your “party.” In short, you must be “good Lord ” and “ good Devil,” all of which is hard for me to do. At South Bend I telegraphed : ‘Mrs. F. G. W., Spark Street, Chicago : All there is left of “that Convention” will arrive at 9 p.m. F. G. W.” As we neared the city we met an out-going train which supplied us with the evening papers, and almost the first thing that caught my eye was the following : “Lost Man. ‘ ‘ Mr. Confucius Botch, formerly of Chicago, left his boarding-house in this city May 1st, to attend the ‘ Liberal Convention * at Cincin- nati, and has been absent since that time. Having no business to detain him, fears of foul play are entertained by his friends, who would be glad to receive information respecting him.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 89 “ Stavie,” said I, look at this. “ Poor Botch has not returned.” “ Would to Heaven I had not gone to * that Conven- tion/ ” said Stavie, with tears in his eyes. “ Botch was a good fellow, wasn’t he ? I always liked Botch, and I will spend my bottom dollar, but he shall be found.” At 9 p.m. we arrived in Chicago. Prom the depot to the house is about a mile, and homewards I hurried on a bounding liorse-car. As I approached the door-yard, and I glanced into the windows well, I do not like to record my family matters in a book like this ; but if by the humiliating confession I can save but one young woman, or even one young man, from entering on the course I led during this five days experience, I will gladly do so, and think myself amply rewarded. Prom the moment I left this threshold for “ that Con- vention,” until my return, I had forgotten my loved ones at home. If this be the wages of the politician — if to be politically great, as this world goes, is to forget these — then 90 THAT CONVENTION. “ Steep me in poverty to the very lips ; give to captivity me and my utmost hopes aye, wither my tongue, close my eyes to all the beauties of this world — but for the love of Heaven save me from the honors and rewards of an American Politician. Home Life. THE “DOLLY VARDEN ” CONVENTION, AND THE “DOUGHNUT” PLATFORM. PART SECOND. THE SNIPES THAT WEKE SHOT AT “THAT CONVENTION. Q.Tw Sho THE “DOLLY Y ARDEN” CONVENTION, AND THE “ DOUGHNUT PLATFORM.” I. The Call. Whereas, The Usurper Grant has reduced the national debt, and the taxes at the same time ; and Whereas, The Mudsill Grant has protected the negroes; and Whereas, The Nepotic Grant has persistently refused to give us offices; and Whereas, The Bull-dog Grant has clung to his own ideas, utterly refusing to be dictated to by old and reliable politicians; and Whereas, Sum-of-all Villainies Grant has made himself contuma- ciously obnoxious to all schemers, sore-heads, malcontents, and dis- affected persons generally; therefore, with charity to ourselves and malice to all others, be it EESOLVED, O, ye disconsolate, that you shall come into meeting at Cincinnati, on the 1st day of May, upon which auspicious occasion there will be moving times (this is a joke) ; and EESOLVED, That then and there the ointment of mutual condo- lence and sympathy shall heal our sore heads; our nakedness we will cover with the chaste and artistic Dolly Varden robes; the aching void in our pockets shall be filled with the Davis Fund, and 96 THAT CONVENTION 1 OK; all our sorrows shall be drowned in foaming Cincinnati lager and “OLD KENTUCKY EYE.” All of which was carried out according to programme, as detailed in succeeding chapters. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 97 II. First Day. The famous Cincinnati Convention, or, as some one has facetiously termed it, the “ Dolly Varden Muster,” composed of disaffected Republicans, together with a very fair sprinkling of the worst elements of the dead Democracy, assembled in Exposition Hall on Wednesday morning, May 1st, for the purpose of nominating a ticket in opposition to the regular Republican nomina- tion; or, in other words, to concentrate their strength with that of the Democrats upon one man, in order to defeat General Grant. About fifteen hundred persons were present on the first day, who appeared to exhibit, for the most part, the most profound indifference to the proceedings. Colonel Grosvenor called the Convention to order, when Judge Stanley Matthews, of Ohio, was elected temporary Chairman. Senator Schurz was called on for a speech, but he declined in a few words of almost peremptory character. The Convention then adjourned. 98 THAT convention; ok. III. Second Day. On re-assembling, May 2d, the question of the admis- sion of the New York delegations was decided, the anti- Greeley men being unceremoniously hustled out. On motion, Senator Schurz was chosen permanent President of the Convention. There was great impatience mani- fested at the necessary delays of organization, which could hardly be restrained by the presiding officer. Mr. Schurz having expressed his thanks for the unexpected honor of the permanent Chairmanship, then proceeded to deliver a carefully prepared speech, the manuscript of which he laid on the desk before him, and then poured out his eloquence in that Senatorial style which had be- come so familiar to many of his hearers. The speech, as simply a studied effort, a fine oration, was an excellent one. Few men could be found to take exceptions to its abstract propositions, but it was a scathing piece of bitter irony upon the purposes of the men who had assembled to carry out the very purpose alone which he con- demned, viz: “ To beat Grant !” It surprised many and disgusted others to find that Sen- ator Schurz was not ready to accept “ any man” to beat Grant, and so the applause which followed his denuncia- tions of mere seeking for availability was somewhat faint. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 101 It was said that had he boldly pronounced the real and only purpose, as again and again expressed by the dele- gates on the floor, namely, “ to beat Grant,” he would have been literally borne on the shoulders of the multi- tude. But he clothed his designs with a loftier purpose, and did not promise his followers success unless they should prove that they deserved it. The speech was quickly and correctly construed as a speech in favor of Mr. Adams and for revenue reform, and this checked somewhat the demonstrations with which otherwise its fine theories would have been greeted, for the friends of other candidates were cold-blooded at the allusions so pointedly made. The most conspicuous feature of the speech was the fact that there was almost a total want of sympathy on the part of the audience of delegates with the speaker’s utterances in regard to the reforms in the Government. There was considerable mechanical applause at times, but no hearty, enthusiastic responses. When he warned them of the dangers that beset them in the ways of the politicians, many of them smiled an in- credulous smile ; and when the eloquent speaker was finished, its effect was gone, and frantic efforts to force a nomination before the platform was reported, charac- terized the proceedings towards the close of the second day. The Committee on Resolutions strenuously endeavored to keep their work on the tariff plank secret; and well they might, for a more shameful piece of political jug- glery was never before attempted to be played on intel- ligent people. The sessions of the Committee were pro- longed nine hours, and the framing of the tariff resolution was committed to a sub-committee, consisting of Wells, Hoadley, and Defrees. When submitted to the full 102 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, Committee a stormy scene ensued, in which reputations and furniture suffered, but blows were avoided. After great tribulation the precious plank was jn’oduced, which, despite the pretended reserve of Mr. Atkinson and Mr. Wells, was at once pronounced the “ Doughnut plank” of the “Dolly Yarden Platform.” The whole affair was a shameful sham, which artfully concealed its true mo- tives. The bantling was at once sent to Greeley for his approval, which was at once given. The following is the odious resolution: EESOLYED, That the system of Federal taxation should be laid so as not to interfere unnecessarily with the industries of the country ; that the amount of revenue to be raised should only be sufficient to pay the expenses of the Government economically administered, the pensions, the interest on the public debt, and such moderate portion of the principal thereof annually as will extinguish the whole in a reasonable time, and that the method by which the taxes shall be adjusted in principle and in detail is one that should be relegated to the representatives of the people in Congress without Executive interference or dictation. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 103 in. The Last Day. There were moments during the brief career of the “ muster ” when it seemed to have symptoms of pro- tracted and vigorous life, but the charlatans who brought it into existence attended it with too great solicitude, and it died, as a natural consequence, upon their hands. The history of its last few hours is strikingly illustrative of the fact that a political movement matured by fraudu- lent practices cannot hope to survive. Since the Sunday previous to its assembling the Convention was literally stolen by political knaves. First came the cohorts of Judge Davis, headed by John Defrees, who manu- factured a tremendous outside pressure that would have resulted on the 1st of May in the nomination of Davis. The moral sense of the Convention was all the time with Adams and Trumbull, as was most, if not all its political honesty, as well as its sincerity and intel- ligence. In these early stages of the struggle Davis was pushed by Messrs. Ward H. Lamon, David Dudley Field, Leonard Sweet, Henry S. Cake and General Gridley, of Bloomington, Illinois. On the other hand, the advocates of Adams were Edward Atkinson, David A. Wells, Horace White, Samuel Bowles, Stanley Matthews, Judge Hoadley and many others, who pos- sessed all the sincerity and honesty of the concern. 104 THAT CONVENTION J OE, On Thursday night the Philistines sneaked into their camp and out-manoeuvred them. Late at night it was rumored that Frank Blair and Montgomery Blair had reached the city, and soon afterward it was ascertained that Gratz Brown was in their company. Such a combina- tion could have meant nothing but mischief, and the Adams forces were instantly on the alert, but did not succeed in learning the moves of the conspirators until it was too late to counteract them. About two o’clock in the day it was discovered that these men had been in consultation in Covington and in Cincinatti, with the corruptionists in the Convention, and that it had been determined that Brown should withdraw in favor of Greeley and take the second place on the ticket. This made the combination a powerful one, and the Adams men, who believed its success would be the death of the movement, were yet aware of the danger of its being forced through the Convention. As shameless a political bargain as was ever made naturally enticed to its support such whole-souled patriots as General Cochrane, Waldo Hutchins, Alex. McClure, Gratz Brown, . and any number of con- scienceless political scamps from the South, and the sort of influence which would be used by such men as these was naturally dreaded. When the Convention assembled there were no signs of the conspiracy for some time in the proceedings, but its existence was generally known and bitter comments upon it could be heard in every quarter by the friends of Adams, Davis and Trumbull. Having got safely through the platform, with manifesta- tions of intense delight that a transparent cheat as the tariff question had been devised, the Convention pro- ceeded to ballot for a candidate for President. The roll FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 105 of States was called and yet there were no signs of a conspiracy. But no sooner had the result been an- nounced showing that Adams had developed the full strength claimed, than the bargain was sprung upon the Convention. G-ratz Brown for the first time appeared upon the floor. He then proceeded to make that re- markable speech, declaring for Greeley, when the ex- plosion instantly came. Missouri changed her vote from Brown to Trumbull and the Chairman of the Kentucky delegation, Mr. Cassius M. Clay arose and cast the five votes given Brown for his “ old and honored friend, Horace Greeley.” There were several other changes, of votes, and then Missouri asked leave to retire for consultation amidst no little commotion and the violent expletives with which several members greeted the ex- posure of the conspiracy. Finally the dele gation got out of the hall without any actual physical collision, and then the second phase of the bargain appeared. Alex. McClure withdrew the name of Gov. Curtin and asked leave for Pennsylvania to retire for consultation, by which he meant, that he might have an opportunity to whet that knife which on the previous evening he had threaten- ed to put into the free traders. The session of the Mis- sourians was stormy in the extreme. Senator Schurz relinquished the chair to Mr. Julian, and appearing before the delegation of his State, proceeded to make a brief but vigorous speech against the consummation of the bargain by the nomination of Horace Greeley. The arguments of Schurz, with the disgust of the Missourians at their transfer like sheep, caused both Brown and his bargain to be repudiated. Presently the bargain again appeared. The success of the conspiracy was even then far more 106 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, assured. Alabama and Arkansas, rotten with graceless delegates, and which had been divided, led off solid for Greeley. California gave him half, and Georgia all, while before she had had none for him. But there were no other breaks of consequence before Missouri was called, and that State gave Greeley only ten, while she gave Trumbull sixteen and Adams four. The announce- ment of the vote by General McNeil, the Chairman, being instantly followed by one of the delegates shouting, “ We’ve been sold, but not delivered.” When it came to Pennsylvania, it was found that McClure had been equally unable to fulfill his contract, as that State had only 18 for Greeley, with 26 for Adams, and 11 for Trum- bull. When the result of the ballot showed Adams 243, Greeley 245, Trumbull 148, and Davis 75, the conspiracy seemed a failure. The Adams men became radiant, and for a time delighted in the delusion that the rays of political purity had come again, and that their candidate, for whom no questionable means had been used, was to triumph by the mere force of merit over the chicanery of professional politicians. At the conclusion of this ballot there was an unusual uproar, caused by the meeting of the delegations. The emissaries of the corrupt agricul- turalist, together with the Brown wing, were at work, and the Adams men became uneasy; but the roll-call of the third ballot soon began, and being completed, showed Adams 264, Greeley 258, Trumbull 146, and Davis 44. Virtue was still triumphant against intrigue. Adams on the fourth ballot had 279, Greeley 251, and Trumbull 141. Not only had Adams gained, but Greeley had actu- ally lost, and it was generally supposed that the Trum- bull vote, which was the balance of power, would, when it left him, go to Adams, and nominate him. Those who Five days a politician. 107 were ignorant of the depth of iniquity into which the Greeley managers had descended, supposed the nomina- tion of Adams certain, and telegrams to that effect were flashed over the country. On the next ballot the break began, Trumbull going down to 91, Adams rising to 309, and Greeley to 256. The latter had gained only 5, but Adams had gained 30, and there was no longer any doubt in many minds but that Adams would be nominated on the next ballot. The Trumbull men were going over to him. It was thought that there was no longer any dan- ger of a stampede to Greeley, and there was also a gen- eral conclusion that the Blairs, Gratz Brown, Cochrane, Hutchins, McClure, and other intriguers had gained nothing by their labors. But they had not been given credit for their astuteness, for all this time they had been merely playing with the victim they were now pre- pared to crush. At this juncture the Illinois delegation asked leave to retire, and in the confusion following their exit the calling of the sixth ballot began. Alabama and Arkansas voted solid for Greeley. Georgia next went solid for the “ Chappaqua farmer/’ and then the critical moment had come. John Cochrane jumped to his feet and set up a yell, in which all the plotters joined. It was minutes before the roll could be called further. Indiana followed almost solid for Greeley, and the yells were re- newed with more volume and intensity than before. It became evident that Greeley was to be shouted down the throat of the Convention, and in vain Schurz pounded for order. There was no order in the crowd of political tricksters below him, and as gains for Greeley were an- nounced in Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Mississippi, Louis- iana, and Missouri, which finally voted Greeley, with 108 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, Adams 10 and Trumbull 2, it was evident that the Tribune philosopher was stamped in the nomination. But Mc- Clure had to make a proper showing, and Pennsylvania before the changes commenced stood Adams 32, Greeley 18. At the close of the call the Convention degenerated into a mob of yelling madmen. Private tallies had shown that the plot had succeeded, and everywhere chairmen of delegations were on their feet demanding to change the vote of their States, which was done, when finally the ballot was announced — Greeley 482, and Adams 187 — and as a fitting termination of this buffoonery, Horace Greeley was declared nominated as the candidate of the “Dolly Varden ticket.” On not a few the realization of the situation settled like a pall. The Southern States, which had been scattering their votes on Chase, Brown, and Trumbull, hurried to change them to the winning man, and the announcements were made amid loud cheers and storms of hisses from the floor and galleries. Cries of “ shame !” and yells of delight were mingled in the common discord. Every man’s face was a study. Hundreds of delegates stamped their feet and swore. Judge Hoadley, of the Ohio delegation, shook with rage. Stanley Matthews swelled until it seemed as if he would burst. The pig-iron arrow which he shot at McClure the night before had been turned, and now pierced his own side. The faces of the “independent journalists,” which had a few moments before been aglow with joyful hope at the splendid vote of Adams, now grew black under the overspreading clouds of- disappointment and disgust. The countenance of Schurz was a fresh study for the facile pencil of Nast. The audience seemed to become enraged and delighted by turns. Hats flew wildly, while anathemas and maranathemas were hurled at the heads of the tricksters who had effected the consummation. BEADING THE DISPATCHES. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. Ill Senator Schurz at last, with a voice trembling with visible emotion, announced the sixth and last ballot, as follows: Whole number of votes cast, 714; necessary to a choice, 358; of which Charles Francis Adams had 187, and Horace Greeley 482. A recess of ten minutes then fol- lowed, against the protestations of the Greeley cham- pions, who wanted to rush the Greeley-Brown bargain straight through without any intermission. During the intermission the scene was changed from the appalling to the ludicrous. The men at first stunned at the result began to realize the length and breadth of the farce, and then to laugh immoderately. Among the journalists the comments were various, as they telegraphed reserved comments or instructions to their papers. Samuel Bowles was asked what he was going to do about it, and replied that he was “ going to think about it.” Hal- stead, the Murat of “ indpendent journalists,” swore with an emphatic oath; Matterson, of the Louisville Courier-Journal, surveyed his wrecked hopes with a sick- ening sensation; while Bromley, of the Hartford Post , at once bought a ticket for the Mammoth Cave, remark- ing, with that characteristic severity which never permits him to spoil a joke, even at the expense of his friends, that having seen one “mammoth cave,” he desired to see the other in Kentucky. During this brief recess the complexion of the audience changed almost entirely. Scores of delegates left in utter disgust and rage, and the galleries emptied with great rapidity. The spirit of the Convention was broken, and the interest was gone. The whole affair had collapsed like a bubble, and it required quite an effort to nerve the body up to the exertion of completing the remainder of the bargain by the nomina- tion of Gratz Brown for Vice-President. The roll-call began, and amid the cheers of the Brown body-guard 112 THAT CONVENTION J OR, from St. Louis, and Greeley’s strikers from New York, Greeley’s States wheeled into line for Brown. The Adams men made a frantic effort to stem the tide of dis- aster, and, when Connecticut was reached, she cast ten votes for George W. Julian, and only one for Brown. Illinois, Indiana, and Massachusetts followed suit, and it seemed for a moment as if that degree of respectability which pertains to Mr. Julian might be saved to the ticket, but it was only for a moment. Other States which might have nominated Julian, and thus restored a partial spirit to the despondent mass, frittered away the vote on Trumbull and Cox and Walker; and even Tipton and Scovell received eight and twelve votes respectively. So that on the total result, Brown was nearly ahead of all competitors, thus: Brown, 237; Trumbull, 156; Julian, 134i; Walker, 84J; Clay, 44; Cox, 25; Scovell, 12; Tip- ton, 8. At this point Governor Koerner, of Illinois, withdrew Trumbull’s name, saying that he had abso- lutely declined to take that nomination, and the name of Governor Cox was also withdrawn by his authority. At this point, also, the announcement was made that the Ohio delegation would withdraw from the Convention for consultation at College Hall. The second ballot was then taken, and the bargain no longer encountered any resistance. It went all one way, the farce being kept up by those who remained casting the full vote of the dele- gation, many members of which had departed until the result was announced: Brown, 435; Julian, 175; Walker, 75; Palmer, 8; Tipton, 3. Amid alternate yells of tri- umph and shouts of derision the Convention adjourned sine die, and after this manner was perpetrated the most stupendous joke of the season — obviously a fitting con- clusion to the most absurd farce enacted in the jiolitical world since the nation’s history began. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 113 Y. What “ They Say.” “ Blow the trumpets, beat the drums; See ! the conquering hero comes l” Greeley’s Consistency. is the brightest jewel in the “ doughnut” (Which 114 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, crown of the “cabbage candidate.”) Out of his own mouth he foretells the death of his aspirations to the Presidency. In the campaign of ’68 he inadvertently tells us the truth when he says: “We are led by him who first taught our armies to conquer in the West, and subsequently in the East, also. Richmond would not come to us until we sent Grant after it. [Cheers.] He has never yet been defeated, and never will be. He will be as great and successful on the field of politics as on the field of a rms. ” And again, concerning the one-term principle, January 5th 4 1871, at a political meeting in New York city, he de- livered a speech in which he praised the Administration, and uttered these words: “While asserting the right of every Republican to his un trammeled choice of a candidate for next President, until a nomination is made, I venture to suggest that General Grant will be far better qualified for that momentous trust in 1872 than he was in 1868.” (! ! I !) His Devotion to “Principle.” The greatest sham, upon which he has built up what reputation with the better class of our citizens he may possess, is his professed devotion to “ principle,” and the honesty of his opinions has been held to cover an innu- merable multitude of eccentricities in his unequaled feats of first appearing upon one side of the fence and then upon the other. All of which received an effectual airing in the New York Times of June 2, under the head of “ Our £ Honest Uncle’s’ Tammany Partnership,” which says: “Mr. Greeley, during a long lifetime, has denounced the use of to- bacco, and insisted that the man who used it in any shape was quite as guilty and degraded as the drunkard. Mr. Greeley was also, until the spring of 1871, in the habit of denouncing Tweed as one of the most corrupt Democratic politicians in the country. Nevertheless, in April. 1871, Mr. Greeley joined with Tweed and Nathaniel Sands -- 4 “BETWEEN TWO STOOLS, FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 117 in forming a joint-stock company for the manufacture and sale of tobacco and cigars, and also with Tweed and Sands was elected to manage the affairs of the company as a trustee. He kept his con- nection with this company a secret, and was therefore under no ne- cessity of changing his profound opinions on the sin of using tobacco. He was, however, compelled to defend his partner, Tweed, as openly as he dared when the Times began its attack upon the ‘Eing.’ We copy the original certificate of incorporation under which Messrs. Greeley and Tweed’s tobacco company came into existence. Will the opponents of tobacco and the believers in consistency reconcile Mr. Greeley’s connection with this matter with his claim to be con- sidered an honest devotee of principle ?” After which follow the articles of incorporation re- ferred to. Wendell Phillips on Greeley.* “ You know I am neither a Republican nor a Grant man. Whom I shall vote for, or whether I shall vote at all, I do not know. But certainly as against Greeley I am for Grant. We have had one Andy Johnson; I will not run the risk of getting another in Horace Gree- ley. I want a man with some decided principles. Greeley never had any. Besides, I consider Greeley a secession candidate. I believe the plot to nominate him was hatched by Southern white rebels more than a year ago, and has been mainly nursed by them. I advise any one who means to vote for him to find out first what agreements have been made by Mr. Greeley's friends with Jeff. Davis and his staff as to office and patronage. I am perfectly certain that there is a dis- tinct mutual understanding, if not a positive contract, between them. If Horace Greeley enters the White House, Jeff. Davis will be as surely part of the Administration as Seward was in Lincoln’s days. No negro can vote for Greeley who values his life or property, or cares for his race. If, by a frown of Providence, he is elected, I shall advise every Southern loyalist to load the revolvers that Grant’s ar- rest of North Carolina Ku-klux has allowed to be laid aside. If he is elected, let the negroes live in squads of fifty, whom no coward will dare shoot down, and show no property after sunset. Lonely men will be shot, and do black will own a mule forty-eight hours if * Extract of a letter from Mr. Wendell Phillips to Mr. S. P. Cum- mings. 118 THAT CONVENTION J OR, any rebel knows the fact. For a loyal Administration to protect the negro, awe the rebel, and give the working man a chance, Grant’s little finger is worth a baker’s dozen of Greeley’s. Yours, WENDELL PHILLIPS. Greeley’s Right Bow-wower. Horace the Less, editor of the Chicago Tribune , mourn- fully says: “The nomination of Mr. Greeley may be a joke, but it is a very solemn one. ” How Greeley has “ Split” the Republican Party. The Chicago Times , the staunch organ of Democracy in the North-West, says: “It is to be hoped, in the interest of Mr. Greeley, that it is not elsewhere as it is in Chicago concerning his strength among Repub- licans. We suspect that, in all the city, a dozen well-known Repub- licans cannot be found who have pronounced for him. At any rate, if there be that number, they have not revealed themselves. We inquired yesterday of the only Greeley Republican whom we have met in Chicago (and he is a very moderate one), ‘ Why don’t you call a Greeley ratification meeting in this chief Western metropolis?’ ‘Well,’ he answered, ‘the fact is, we dare not; we would have to rely upon the Democrats to compose it, and it’s doubtful how they would ratify. ’ The simple truth is, Mr. Greeley has no strength among the Republicans of Chicago.” And again — showing where the Chappaqua wedge has really made the “split” — says: “ There is a very serious defect in the lists of political newspapers which some of the philosophic organs are publishing to show the tenor of popular sentiment with respect to the candidacy of the phi- losopher. There is nothing to indicate the Republican journals that have declared for the philosopher. Presumptively, all such journals are included in the lists, for it can hardly be that all the journals of public opinion which favor the philosopher are Democratic journals. Nevertheless, one who is acquainted with the political color of almost FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 119 every journal of any considerable importance in the United States will look through these lists without being able to recognize, after the two Tribunes (the big and the little), a single Republican journal. What is the reason ? If the philosoper is going to get half the votes of the Republican party, why is it that nobody can hear of any Re- publican newspapers (excepting the big and little Tribune ) that are supporting him ? In the most recent of the lists of these philosophic journals that have come to hand, are given the names of about one hundred news- papers which are said to be ‘emphatically for Greeley.’ The papers named in this list are published in fifteen different States, the ma- jority being in New York, Illinois, and Missouri. There is not a single Republican paper in the list. Every one of them is a Demo- cratic paper, and though here put down as ‘ emphatically for Gree- ley,’ the Times recognizes the majority of them as Democratic papers which propose to await the action of the Baltimore Convention, and to be governed accordingly.” A Republican on the Half-Shell. The New York World, with a sarcasm as truthful as it is amusing, dubs the soft-shelled philosopher “ a Repub- lican on the half-shell !” 120 THAT CONVENTION * OR, The Fourteenth Amendment on the Nomination. Interviewing one of the intelligent colored barbers of the Burnet House, concerning the nomination, and the manner in which it would be received by the colored people, he said, “ Mr. Greeley would be all right enough, — only he never lmows twice what he wants once, and he wasn't nominated at the right place /” A Strong Way of Putting it. A prominent German gentleman, who, unlike most of his nationality, is not a friend of Grant’s, says : “I would rather have anybody for President than Grant — and I would rather have Grant than Greeley !” Which goes to show that Herr Greeley doesn’t count as a unit, even with anti- Administration men. Knows Him too Well. (One of the “ oldest inhabitants” of New York, con- cerning the “ Dolly Varden” nominee :) Interviewer — “ So you are a Greeley man, I suppose Oldest Inhabitant — “Well, I’ve read the Tribune ever since it was started, and the papers he edited before that; — read him every day for thirty years.” Interviewer — “ I see, you’re a gone case — one of his old stand-bys, so to speak.” Oldest Inhabitant — “ Not quite so fast ; I’m not for Greeley. I’ve read him too much for that !” Greeley’s Trump Card. Not that he loves the Woodhull less, but the modern Cincinnati-us more, does that bright, and every-way peculiar star of pyrotechnic journalism, Theodore Til- ton, declare for Greeley. If, as H. G. modestly claims, T. T. really did “ invent him for the Presidency,” how 4 HOBSON’S CHOICE. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 123 modest of tlie editor and proprietor of the Golden Age when the stick of a meteoric editorial comes down thus : “Meanwhile, lest we should be charged in advance with a vain- glorious day-dream of some foreign mission or cabinet portfolio, we hereby forswear all future honors of the new Administration — ex- cept, perhaps, an old friend’s privilege, once in a while, of taking a cup of tea at the White House, provided the Master of the frugal feast should not happen to be over-crowded with better company. ” 124 THAT CONVENTION ! 03. VI. What H. G. Says. “Vote for me.” • From a private letter, written by the truly great and good Horace Greeley, to the Central Committee of the POLITICS MAKES STRANGE BEDFELLOWS. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 127 Any-body-to-beat-Grant Party, -we are allowed to use a verbatim translation by “ Hollo Rambler,” as follows : Tribune Office, May 15, 1872. To Carl Schurz , Jefferson Davis , Horace White , William M. Tweed , Theodore Tilton , all my other dear friends , greeting : You will pardon the pride I feel in the life-long, well- tried, and endearing ties which bind us together in a fraternal brotherhood, and the assurance founded upon this which has made it a matter entirely of my own choice as to when and how I should acknowledge the nomination — of which I had not received the slightest intimation, until officially informed by you. A fortnight passed amid the umbrageous seclusion of Chappaqua, in the rare delights of sowing seeds for the propagation of Greeley Clubs and in subsoiling and underdraining to insure a “ dead sure thing” on my crop of November beats, has enabled me to arrive at the phi- losophic conclusion that in honoring me, you have in a far greater degree done honor to yourselves. If in this matter you have done me proud, what congratulatory words can be said of a Republic of Forty Millions of freemen, who, untrammeled by the despotic thraldom which enslaves the inhabitants of effete despotisms, now have the glorious opportunity of electing me as their Chief Executive? (Excuse me for a moment while I look into the kitchen to see how my doughnuts are cooking.) Lives there a man with soul so dead as to dare dispute my written words, which are fearfully and wonderfully made? That man is a liar and a villain. And referring to the trivial matter of election, reminds me that I have, in the interim of other agricultural 128 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, duties, thrown off a few reasons why every one, enjoying the right of franchise, should vote for me. Make such use of these as in your judgment may best subserve the cause of the new departure from jealousies, strifes, and hates, which have no longer adequate motive, or even plausible pretext, into an atmosphere of peace, frater- nity, and mutual mush, and, believe me, modestly, but firmly, now, henceforth, and forever, Horace Gtreeley. Yote for Me ! To the Republicans : Am I not the first and only “ original Jacobs ?” To the Democrats : Have I not always acted as a counter-irritant when the Republicans became too radical in their policy ? To the Protectionists : Am I not the great Apostle and Champion of Pro- tection ? To the Free Traders : Did I not, with rare wisdom, counsel my Cincinnati friends that this vexed question should be left entirely to the adjudication of a free and enlightened people ? To the Secessionists : Did I not urge upon the North your “inalienable right” to go piece-ably out of the Union ? And did I not go bail for Jefferson Davis ? To the Unionists: Did I not insist upon a vigorous prosecution of the war ? (Don’t put in anything about Bull Bun. — H. G.) To the Negroes : Before the war, was I not always your best friend ? And since the war, have I not advocated and insisted upon the stiffest kind of a Ku-Klux bill for your pro- ection ? WILL YOU WALK INTO MY PARLOR? FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 131 To the K. K. K. : Am I not strenuously urging the repeal of the bill which is so offensive to you ? To Administration men : Have I not first proposed every good and popular measure which has made Grant a success ? To Anti- Administration men : Have I not opposed to the very death every move made by the Usurper Grant? To aU honest men , and opposers of “ rings Have I not always given “ line upon line” in my inde- fatigable efforts to expose fraud and promote political honesty ? To Tammany : Have I not stood by you when your own best friends foreswore all knowledge of you, carefully suppressing all damaging testimony, and shielding you in every pos- sible way? To the Irish Catholics : Have I not insisted upon the extension of equal rights to all, regardless of nationality, encouraging immigration to our hospitable shores ? To the Irish haters: Have I not opposed with uncompromising energy the usurpations and aggravating encroachments of the Irish Catholics? To the Germans: Did I not do the square thing in the French arms business ? To the German haters : Am I not always committed to temperance and Sun- day law, and order, and all that sort of a thing? H. G. 132 THAT CONVENTION. (For lack of space we are obliged to omit any further portion of this interesting translation, which goes on to specify every known political clique, religious order, secret society, working man’s organization, and every known shade of social, political, and religious opinion. “ You pays your money and takes your choice.” Fac simile copies of the original document can be obtained by calling on or addressing the “Liberal Republican Central Committee, Room 14, Astor House, New York.”) THEIR CONSTITUENTS, WHICH BEINO INTERPRET El) MEANS, HORACE GREELEY. PART THIRD. MARK. GREELEY’S PROTECTION. THE CABBAGE CANDIDATE. L What I Know About the Later Franklin.* “ Give me my robe: put on my crown: I have Immortal longings in me. ” The gentle, lamb-like man upon whom, more to its own astonishment than his, the Cincinnati What-do-call-it- now has thrust the greatness of a nomination, was born of honest but respectable parents in Amherst, New Hampshire, on the third of February, 1811. Any man who is not a liar and a villain can therefore discover that he is exactly sixty-one years three months and twenty-four hours old. This is a very good age to be By Miss Buchanan, of the Chicago Evening Post. 140 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, nominated at. The father of this experienced diplomat was a farmer ; which accounts for the singularly small amount of knowledge but the great familiarity which the son displays in the matter of scientific and political agriculture, and which constitutes his chief qualification to preside over all the departments, especi- ally foreign, of the government of the United States. In his childhood he had a surprisingly sweet and precocious way of calling his father Zaccheus; for that was his father’s name; and there is nothing, unless it be the majority of 4,329 in Livingston county for Lincoln, to show that the modern epic beginning with the well- known lines, “ Zaccheus he, did clum a tree,” was not one of the early efforts of the sylph-like Horace, who even in childhood had a singular affection for those little creatures whom Providence has, for some mysterious reason, permitted to edit the country press. To one of these reptiles he became apprenticed when fifteen years old ; and its name was the Northern Spectator. While at work here he became intimately acquainted with horti- culture, and especially with the various families of the mealy vegetable discovered by De Soto and still the pride of the virtuous domestic table ; we refer — is it necessary to add ? — to the potato. Among the composi- tors of this lying journal, Dod (that was the preferred pet name for this well-trained statesman) learned the awful habits of appalling profanity which are the most distinguishing characteristic of his mature years ; which indeed are only surpassed by his renowned trick of mak- ing his latest newspaper popular with the farming classes by palming off upon them waggish recipes for the mak- ing of beet sugar out of late autum hay, and the shoe- ing of cow’s feet to make them give buttermilk. If the INNOCENCE ABROAD. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 143 <;o ws do not comply, it is simply proof positive that they are bought by British gold. When but twenty years old, Dod’s employer was sold out worse than Trumbull or Davis ; but he had learned so much about political statistics that anybody who ever differed from him was set down by the finger of public scorn as a born idiot and a condemned (to be pronounced very quick) fool. Meanwhile his surviving ancestors, to wit, his paternal and maternal relatives, were residing in Erie, Pa.; and Dod, being out of employment, paid them a brief but profitable visit; for it was at this time he committed to memory the tonnage in the Erie canal since 1825, with the annual variations in tolls, the names of all vessels that passed through, the number of bushels carrying capacity of each, and the profit and loss accounts of their owners. He also suggested, while tarrying in the locality, a model for a canal boat, which, when com- pleted and set afloat in the canal, persisted in keeping- bottom up. He explained to heaven-defying scoffers that this was all right ; because then the grain was likely to be wet only on one side. But the Canal Board, being packed with purchasable minions, never adopted the model. Going successively to Jamestown and Lodi, in York State, he worked as a journeyman compositor, adding more expletives to his already rich repertoire than gold to his pocket, and in 1831 he started for New York, the proud and happy possesser of ten dollars, and no trunk; not even a walking-stick. After two years’ frugal labor in type-setting he and a Mr. Story [need we say it was not an ancestor of the late supporter of the Liberal Free-Trade movement in Chicago ?] started a little enterprise of their own, and did the printing of the Morning Post, the first penny daily paper in the 144 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, United States. Like as the previous undertaking with which he was connected, failed, so failed this ; and in 1834 Mr. Greeley, outgrowing the name of Dod, became the editor of the weekly New Yorker . Its great excel- lence lay in its political statistics. It lived seven years, and, like its editor, spent more than it earned. During its life Mr. Greeley was compelled to earn the honest bread of home industry by writing editorials for the Daily Whig , the Jeffersonian and Log Cabin. It was his connection with the last which gave him his amazing knowledge of navigation. In 1841 he was enabled to consolidate all these periodicals into the Daily Tribune. His political life began, strictly speaking, in 1848, when he was elected to fill a vacancy in Congress; he remained there little more than a year, devoting himself chiefly to the improvement of bean-poles, and introduc- ing resolutions to compel the Mississippi to avoid snags. The latter would have succeeded had not the infernal spirit of treason been rampant in both houses. He is the author of several volumes not much spoken of out- side the columns of the New York Tribune, to wit : “ Hints toward Reforms/’ published in 1850 ; *' c Glances at Europe,” written after his return from a visit to the continent in 1851, where he found the effete despotisms grovelling in ignorance, on all agricultural subjects ; a “ History of Slavery from 1787 to 1856 and in later life, a biography of the rebellion, and “ What I Know About Farming.” The two greatest events of his life are his advocacy of peaceable secession for the Southern States in 1861 ; his bailing Jefferson Davis in 1865 ; and his nomination, by way of a joke, at the Cincinnati Free-Trade Conven- tion in 1872. — FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 147 II. The Champion Chirography of The Modern Cincinnatus.* Erickson unbosoms his woes to Mark Twain. Mark Twain once met a poor demented individual in the Island of Hawaii, whose name was Simon Erickson, formerly a preacher from Michigan. The mournful ex- perience and unhappy fate of this unfortunate man, which is directly traceable to the penmanship of the * By Mark Twain, in his new book entitled “ Boughing It.” 148 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, “ Cabbage Candidate ” for tbe Presidency, was reported in short hand by Mr. Twain, in the words of Erickson himself : Mrs. Beazeley — Mrs. Jackson Beazeley, widow, of the Tillage of Campbelltown, Kan., wrote me about a matter which was near her heart — a matter which many might think trivial, but to her it was a thing of deep concern. I was living in Michigan then, serving in the ministry. She was, and is, an estimable woman — a woman to whom poverty and hardship have proven incentives to industry in place of discouragements. Her only treasure was her son William, a youth just verging upon manhood ; re- ligious, amiable, and sincerely attached to agriculture. He was the widow’s comfort and her pride. And so, moved by her love for him, she wrote me about a matter, as I have said before, which lay near her heart, because it lay near her boy’s. She desired me to confer with Mr. Greeley about turnips. Turnips were the dream of her child’s young ambition. While other youths were frittering away in frivolous amusements the precious years of budding vigor which God had given them for useful preparation, this boy was patiently enriching his mind with useful information concerning turnips. The sentiment which he felt toward the turnip was akin to adoration. He could not think of the turnip without emotion ; he could not speak of it calmly; he could not contemplate it without exaltation. He could not eat it without shedding tears. All the poetry in his sensitive nature was in sympathy w T ith the gracious vegetable. With the earliest pipe of dawn he sought his patch, and when the curtaining night drove him from it he shut himself up with his books and garnered statistics till sleep overcame him. On rainy days he sat and talked FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 149 hours together with his mother about turnips. When company came he made it his loving duty to put aside everything else and converse with them all the day long of his great joy in the turnip. And yet was this joy rounded and complete ? Was there no secret alloy of unhappiness in it ? Alas, there was. There was a canker gnawing at his heart ; the noblest aspiration of his soul eluded his endeavor, viz. ; he could not make of the turnip a climbing vine. Months went by ; the bloom forsook his cheek, the fire faded out of his eyes; sighings and abstractions usurped the place of smiles and cheerful converse. But a watchful eye noted these things, and in time a motherly sympathy unsealed the 150 THAT CONVENTION J OK, secret. Hence the letter to me. She pleaded for atten- tion — she said her boy was dying by inches. I was a stranger to Mr. Greeley, but what of that ? The matter was urgent. I wrote and begged him to solve the difficult problem, if possible, and save the student’s life. My interest grew, until it partook of the anxiety of the mother. I waited in much suspense. At last the answer came. I found that I could not read it readily, the handwriting being unfamiliar and my emotions being somewhat wrought up. It seemed to refer in part to the boy’s case, but chiefly to others and irrevelant matters — such as paving-stones, electricity, oysters, and something which I took to be “ absolution” or “ agrarian- ism.” I could not be certain which. Still, these ap- peared to be simply casual mentions, nothing more — friendly in spirit, without doubt, but lacking the co- herence or connection necessary to make them useful. I judged that my understanding was affected by my feelings, and so laid the letter away till the morning. In the morning I read it again, but with difficulty and uncertainty still, for I had lost some little rest, and my mental vision seemed clouded. The note was more con- nected now, but did not meet the emergency it was ex- pected to meet. It was too discursive. It appeared to read as follows, though I was not certain of some of the words : “Pollygamy dissembles majesty: extracts redeem polarity: causes hitherto exist. Ovations pursue wisdom, of warts inherit and con- demn. Boston, botany, cakes, folony undertakes, but who shall allay? We fear not. Yrxwly. Hevace Eveeloj.” But there did not seem to be one word about turnips. There seemed to be no suggestion how they might be made to grow like vines. There was not even a refer- SUBSOILING FOR A CROP OF NOVEMBER BEATS. FIVE DATS A POLITICIAN. 153 ence to the Beazeleys. I slept upon the matter. I ate no supper ; neither any breakfast next morning. So I resumed my work with a brain refreshed, and was very hopeful. Now the letter took a different aspect — all save the signature, which latter I judged to be only a harmless affectation of Hebrew. The epistle was neces- sarily from Mr. Greeley, for it bore the printed heading of the Tribune, and I had written to no one else there. The letter, I saw, had taken a different aspect, but still its language was eccentric and avoided the issue. It now appeared to say : “Bolivia extemporizes mackerel : borax esteems polygamy ; saus- ages wither in the East. Creation perdu, is done : for woes inherent one can damn. Buttons, buttons, corks, geology underrate but we shall allay. My beer’s out. Yrxwly, Hevace Eveelog.” I was evidently overworked. My comprehension was impaired. Therefore, I gave two days to recreation, and then returned to my task greatly refreshed. The letter now took this form : Poultices do sometimes choke swine : tulips reduce prosperity : causes leather to resist. Our notions empower wisdom, her let’s afford while we can. Butter but any cakes, fill any undertaker, we’ll wean him from his filly. We feel hot. Yrxwly. Hevace Eveeeoj. I was still not satisfied. These generalities did not meet the question. They were crisp and vigorous, and delivered with a confidence that almost compelled con- viction, but at such a time as this, with a human life at stake, they seemed inappropriate, worldly, and in bad taste. At any other time I would have been not only glad but proud to receive from a man like Mr. Greeley a letter of this kind, and would have studied it earnestly, and tried to improve myself all I could ; but now, with 154 THAT CONVENTION J OK, that poor boy in his far home languishing for relief, I had no heart for learning. Three days passed by, and I read the note again. Again its tenor had changed. It now appeared to say : Potations do sometimes wake wines : turnips restrain passion ; causes necessary to state. Infest the poor widow ; her lord’s effects will be void. But dirt, bathing, &c., &c., followed unfairly, will worm him from his folly — so swear not. Yrxwly. Hevace Eveeloj. This was more like it. But I was unable to proceed. I was too much worn. The word “ turnips ” brought temporary joy and encouragement, but my strength was so much impaired, and the delay might be so perilous for the boy, that I relinquished the idea of pursuing the translation further, and resolved to do what I ought to have done at first. I sat down and wrote Mr. Greeley as follows : Dear Sir : I fear I do not entirely comprehend your kind note . It cannot be possible, sir, that turnips restrain passion — at least the study or contemplation of turnips cannot — for it is this very employ- ment that has scorched our poor young friend’s mind and sapped his bodily strength. But if they do restrain it, will you bear with us a little further and explain how they should be prepared ? I observe that you say ‘ ‘ causes necessary to state, ” but you have omitted to state them. Under a misapprehension you seem to attribute to me interested motives in this matter — to call it by no harsher term. But I assure you, dear sir, that if I seem to be “ infesting the widow,” it is all seeming, and void of reality. It is from no seeking of mine that I am in this position. She asked me herself, to write you. I never have infested her; indeed, I scarcely know her. I do not infest anybody. I try to go along, in my humble way, doing as near right as I can, never harming anybody, and never throwing out insinuations. As for “her lord and his effects,” they are of no interest to me. I trust I have effects enough of my own. I shall endeavor to get along with them, at any rate, and not go mousing around, to get hold of somebody’s that are “void.” But, do you FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 155 not see ? this woman is a widow — she has no “ lord.” He is dead, or pretended to be when they buried him. Therefore, no amount of “ dirt, bathing,” &c., however, “ unfairly followed, ” will be likely to “ worm him from his folly,” if being dead and a ghost is “folly.” Your closing remark is as unkind as it was uncalled for, and, if re- port says true, you might have applied it to yourself, sir, with more point and less impropriety. Very truly yours, Simon Erickson. In the course of a few days Mr. Greeley did what would have saved a world of trouble, and much mental and bodily suffering and misunderstanding, if he had done it sooner, to wit : he sent an intelligible rescript or translation of his original note, made in a plain hand by his clerk. Then the mystery cleared, and I saw that his heart had been right all the time. I will recite the note in its clarified form : [Translation. ] Potatoes do sometimes make vines; turnips remain passive; cause unnecessary to state. Inform the poor widow her lad's efforts will be vain. But diet, bathing, &c. , &c. , followed uniformly, will wean him from his folly — so fear not. Yours, Horace Greeley. But, alas, it was too late, sir, too late. The criminal delay had done its work — young Beazeley was no more. His spirit had taken its flight to a land where all anxieties shall be charmed away, all desires gratified, all ambitions realized. Poor lad, they laid him to rest with a turnip in each hand. D. K. LOCKE, (Petroleum Y. Nasby.) m. Bev. Petroleum Y. Nasby Converts the “ Corners ” to the “Cabbage Candidate.*” “Iked a severe time uv it.” Confedrit X Roads, ) (wich is in the State uv Kentucky) >- May 8, 1872. ) I hed a severe time uv it at the Comers, gittin our people to con- sent to takin the great and good Horris Greeley to ther buzzums, and embracin uv him the same ez tho he hed bin Breckinridge Hoffman, or some sich man, wich they hed bin more familyer with. It took four days uv persistent swearin afore I cood convince em that I hed any idee uv supportin a man wich they hed heerd me denounce By D. R. Locke, of the Toledo Blade. 160 THAT CONVENTION J OK, ez the viles Ablishen despot on earth, a thousand times. Alas! they don’t know the full elasticissity uv the Democratic mind. I called a meetin, and give em an account uv my stewardship at Cincinnati. I commenst my remarks by sayin that I went to Cincinnati with a view uv nominatin that sterlin patriot, Judge Davis, who tho in offls ez a Republikin, hezn’t enuff Republikinism about him to hurt him, or that other sterlin patriot Charles Francis Adams, the son of John Quincy Adams, but wich hezn’t anything uv the Adams about him but the name. It wuz a gatherin uv the people, not an offls- holders convenshun ; and that wuz what wus the matter with us. Not one of the delegates held a Government posishen, and not one uv us hed any chance of gettin one under Grant. “ Grant be d — d,” wuz the cry in chorus. “ Give us anybody else.” I confest, tho, I was somewhat disappointed. The Convenshen hed throwd off on Adams and Davis and nominated Greeley. “Hang him!” shouted the people, “I kin lick any man in a minute, who asks me to vote for him !” shouted Kernal McPelter. I paid no attention to these compliments. “I hed no idee uv even supportin him, and wuz glad uv his nominashen only ez I beleeved he wood draw off enuff Republikin votes to enable us to elect a sound Constitooshnel Democrat — ” “ That’s wat we want — a sound Constitooshnel Democrat !” yelled Kernel McPelter, late of the Confederit servis. “But I hev notist that the great majority uv the Democratic papers — (I kin read, my brethren, and hev that advantage over yoo) — insist on adoptin him at our Convenshun, and ef so, he is our candidate. ” “ We’ll see him — ” “ Hold !” said I quickly, “No good Demokrat kin bolt a regler nominashen, and after all Horris is not the wust one we kin hev. Our motto wuz “ Principles, not men.” We carried it out to the letter. We adopted principles ; and ez for men, we come ez near nothin ez pos- sible, under the circumstances. Troo, he is a high protective tariff man, wich don’t soot Elder Pennibacker, but the Elder must remember that the versateel Horris is willin, ef we will support him, to treat that ishoo ez one to be settled by the people elsewhere. He was an oppresserof the South, Kernel McPelter would say. Troo, he wuz at times, and then again at times he wuznt. I hevwacht the great and good Greeley POSITIVELY LAST APPEARANCE OF THE POLITICAL BLONDIN. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 163 very closely for many years. There ain’t no question that I now remember uv (except slavery and the price of the New York Weekly Triboon), that he ain’t bin on both sides uv a dozen times. Like the intoxicated indivijuel who coodent git into bed coz the room wuz whirlin round* and who determined, finally, to lay still and wait till the bed come round to him, all that any question hez got to do is to stay still and Horris is certin to come round to it. He bleeved slavery wuz unconstitooshnel and yet wuz for payin the nigger owners for the nigger. He defended John Brown’s raid and opposed secession. Then immejitly thereafter he favored secession, then insisted on war, agin us for secedin, then urged the Federal hirelins on to Kichmond then tried to patch up a peace with us. He hez bin a Radical and a Conservative, a Fourierite and a believer in bran bread. He opposed Taylor and supported him ; he supported Linkin and opposed him. In short, he hez been on all sides uv all questions — one side to-day and tother to-morrow, and very frekently both at the same time. In short, I don’t know uv nothin that he hezn’t bin, and can’t imagine nothin that he ain’t extremely likely to be. I read his record yesterday, and wuz wuss tore up in my mind than ez tho I hed bin on a drunk for a week. I never knowd more confusin or intoxication readin. ” “But,” sed Deekin Pogram, “ are we Dimocrats to be compelled to vote for sich a bundle uv contradickshens ? “ My aged friend, ” I replied blandly, “wood yoo like to receeve from me the triflin sum uv one hundred and eighty dollars, wich I owe yoo ? Wood Bascom ? Wood — ” From every indivijuel in that awjence there came up like the roar uv a torrent : “ Yes !” On the question of my payin my debts the Corners is singlerly yoomanimous. “ My brethren, the way to my liquidatin is Post Orifis, and Post Orifis only. Ef I wuz in my old place now okkepied by that dis- gustin nigger, Lubbock, yoo wood hev at least a chance for yoor money. Ef the great and good Greeley is elected that nigger goes out, and I go in. Pollock goes out of the Collector s Offis, and in goes Issaker Gavitt or Kernel McPelter, Watkins the nigger Assessor woodent be allowed to hold his place a minit, and that saint Deekin Pogram, or that other saint, Elder Pennibacker, wood be immejitly installed, and — ” 164 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, “(Hear! hear!” from Issaker Gavitt, Elder Pennibacker, Mc- Pelter and Pogram — Kernel McPelter earnestly lickin a man who indulged in latter.) “In short, my brethren, we want the offisis. We hev been eatin grass like Nebuchadnezzar, sence 1860 (with the exception of John- son’s blessed yeers), and Pharoah’s lean kine aint nothin to us. We hunger and thirst for em. Uv course I’d rather git my place back agin thro Breckenridge, but rather than not hev it I’d take it from Wendell Phillips hisself. Ef Greeley is necessary to gittin them I go Greeley. He may shift ez fast ez he pleases, I kin follow, him. Put that Post Orifis in front uv me, and ef he can shift faster than I kin, I hev overestimated my powers in that line. He will insist upon qualificashens strenuously, but he hez his own standard. He be- leeves that them who admire Horris Greeley are, ex offisho, fit for any place under any Government, and them who don’t ain’t wurth a d — n for anything. I am talented at admirin sich men, I am.” Pogram, Pennibacker. McPelter and Issaker Gavitt wuz entirely convinced, but there wuz still murmurin among the others. “ You idiots,” sed I sternly, is Grant a Republikin?” “He is ! — he is!” “Hey yoo, ez Democrats, anything to expect from him ?” “ We hevn’t !” they replied. “ Do you know the pekoolyarities uv the great and good Horris? We know what he is to-day ; we know wat he wuz yesterday, and sich uv yoo ez kin read plain print and write without runnin yoor tongues out kin assertane wat he wuz before that. Wat he has been yoo know, but wat he will be only the Almity, who knows all things can tell, and no one buthisselfsupposesheis uv suffishnt account to be made the subject of prophecy. We are very certain uv a Republi- kin ef Grant is elected — we may hev a Republikin or a Demokrat, ef Greeley succeeds. Its an even chance where he lites, with the per cent, in our favor, for uv course the Republikins will make fun uv him, wich is the only thing he never forgives. Ez an uncertainty is better for us than a certainty, ’rah for Greeley !” They wuz convinst and immejitly a Greeley Club was organized. In Cincinnati I hed embarkt in a speckulashun. I hed twenty dol- lars left from the money I hed borrowed uv Judge Davis’ committee, and I invested ’em in fifty white hats uv an ancient pattern, expectin to sell them to the Greeley Club, wich I intended to organize, at, FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 165 Bay, $1 50 each. After the club was organized I stated to ’em that the yooniform must be the style uv dress uv our beloved chief ; a white hat and the left pantaloons’ leg on the top uv the boot leg, and that I hed sekoored white hats enuff to supply the club. Here a difficulty okkurred. In the entire party there wuzn’t a pair uv pantaloons which wazn’t worn off at least three inches above where a boot-top wood be, and it bein warm weather the aujence was all bare-footed. However they took the hats readily, and I stashened myself at a table to receive the cash for ’em. A profit of fifty-five dollars wuzn’t so bad. Alas ! how human hopes are blighted ! Bas- com sed he’d take them hats, collect the money for ’em and credit me on account ! and he did it. I didn’t get a dollar uv it ! “It wuz a cheerin site.” I swallowed it ez best I mite, for it ain’t no good to make a row about it. No one in the Corners kin oppose Bascom, for he hez all the likker there iz. But we hed a jollificashen over the organiza- shen. It wuz a cheerin site to see fifty men all in Greeley white hats drinkin the health uv the great Horris in Bascom’s new whisky ! It wuz a cheerin site to see the zeal wich the admirers uv the white- coated philanthropist, all in white hats, went for sich niggers ez they found in the streets that nite ! I don’t despair uv seein niggers flogged under them white hats. Petkoleum Y. Nasby, (Wich wuz Postmaster. ) 166 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, IV. The Epicurean Greeley on Doughnuts. Every department of useful knowledge has at some time, or other, been the subject of careful investigation and practical experiment by Horace the Great ; hence, culinary matters have come in for a fair share of his attention. It was the document that follows, which received the attention of the State Legislature of Pennsylvania, during “Truly delicious. ’ its last session, that suggested the appropriate name of the “ Doughnut Platform” for that adopted by the Cin- cinnati Convention : FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 167 ‘ ‘ Tribune Office, Feb. 27, 1872. “ ‘ * Mr. J. T. V., Reading, Pa. — Dear Sir: Your favor of tbe 21st inst. is just received. As tbe season is advanced, and bas kept me in the bouse a great deal, I bave been trying to better tbe condition of our people by endeavoring to make improvements in cooking. “For some years I found that doughnuts lay too heavy on my stomach, which my physicians attribute to the fat in which they are fried. They tell me that a doughnut contains about eighty times as much fat as is consistent with the doughnut. To overcome this diffi- culty"! have gone to considerable philosophic research. By using only one-eighth of the usual amount of fat for frying them, Mrs. Gree- ley assured me the doughnuts would burn. By using eight times as much flour, I would have eight times as much doughnuts as I “ The tide was still rising. 168 THAT CONVENTION J OR, wanted. I therefore determined to use eight times the usual amount of sots. Mrs. G. fixed up the batter in the bread bowl ; having made exact proportions. I put in one pint of sots. The next morning, on entering the kitchen, we found that the batch of doughnuts had risen about ninety degrees above our highest expectations, and the tide was still rising. Mrs. G. heated the lard, while I tried to stir down the batter, hut all to no use. I poured in some fat, but it spurted and crackled, and I was mortified to find my experiment a failure. Too much sots in doughnuts is worse than Carl Schurz in a caucus. “But I was not dismayed. Education has done much for the human mind, and there is no reason in philosophy why it should not do as much for doughnuts. To preserve the tono of the .doughnut without the fat, I substituted alcohol for lard ; but the consequence FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 1G9 was that Mrs. G. and myself narrowly escaped with our lives. We only saved three doughnuts out of the batch, two of which we ate, and sent the third to Mr. Beecher. They were truly delicious, but they are too high priced, and the manufacture is attended with too much risk for this brand ever to become a popular diet. Those we made cost us about seventy-five cents apiece. ‘ ‘ I hear that in your vicinity you raise a small fruit called pretzels, which are said to be very good when cooked. Please send me a few seeds, and I will set them out in the spring. “HORACE GREELEY.” 170 THAT CONVENTION. Y. First Message of the (Do-anything-to-be) Next President. Washington, March 21, 1873. The President to-day returned to the Senate the bill imposing a tax of ten cents per ton on guano, accompa- nied by the following veto message: I return this obnoxious measure without my approval. The man who introduced it is an ass; the men who voted for it are scheming British agents, and the men who say this is not the case are liars and horse-thieves. I judge that, on an average, every man, woman, and child in America uses a ton of guano in some shape or other; whether as the farmer in New York, Louisiana, Colorado, Podunk, &c., in agriculture, or as Charles A. Dana, for editorial articles. We thus consume, in round figures, 40,000,000 of tuns of guano annually. The arbitrary and revolutionary act which I veto to-day would thus impose a tax of $40, 000,000 a year on our people. With what effect ? It would not stimulate the production; American birds could not compete with the pauper labor of birds in debauched and priest- ridden Central America. I am not quite sure as to what I mean, or why it is not so, or what is which; but the man who speaks to the contrary is a hell-hound, and bribed by British gold. H. G. “A HORSE! A HORSE! MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE.” PART FOURTH, (And last: — which is far more pertinent to the Cincin- nati Convention than that comical conclave was to the objects which nominally called it together, and nomina- tionally dispersed it in disgust. ) . « . . . . A beautiful oil print of the “ Candidate with horse sense ” will be sent gratis to all ap- plicants who address the publishers of this book, at Chicago. A. DOUBLE-TEAM TROT. i. Horses in Motion (Which is Immoral). The Start. (If any “kind reader ” has struggled along to this point, she, or he, must be as tired of the book as was the Editor when he had achieved the completion of the first three parts, and with him will be glad to recreate a little in the way of a ride up the avenue behind two “ spanking bays,” — which, by the by, Wilke's Spirit characterizes as the liveliest thing of the kind ever written this side the ocean. ) A pair of fast horses is not a bad thing to have — pro- 180 THAT CONVENTION ; OR, vided they are not just “ fast ” enough to always get beat. Personally, I am no lover of horse-racing, as it is usually carried on for money. Never bet a cent on a horse race — never shall. But I know of no recreation equal to a ride along Michigan avenue behind a certain pair of sor- rels that claim me for their master. I shall never forget a ride I took behind my sorrels in company with a noted lawyer of this city, last spring. My friend always takes the cars, and is opposed to horse-racing. Is a good Presbyterian, and of course it’s against his creed ; but consented to ride to Hyde Park with me in case I would agree to drive slow. The after- noon was balmy ; roads in the best possible condition ; the horses felt in good spirits; but of course we started at a slow pace, intending to take a full hour to make the six miles. One after another of the thousand-dollar spankers one sees on the avenue passed us, and it was with some difficulty that I could resist the temptation to “let them out /’believing with Henry Ward Beecher, that if the Maker of the horse had not intended the horse to “ go,” He would not have put the “ go ” into him. “These horses seem to go by you without much trouble,” said my friend. “ Yes !” I replied ; “ I must keep my word with you and forego half the pleasure of the ride, to me, for your safety and pleasure.” “ Is the buggy firmly built and staunch ?” he inquired. “ I think so,” said I. “It is one of Brewster’s best.” “ Are the horses gentle ?” “ Well, yes ! I think so.” “ Never run off ?” “ Never, to my knowledge ; but then it’s safer to go slow/’ I suggested. FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 181 “ I am aware of that,” said my friend, a little tartly. “ I don’t like to endanger our lives, and yet it’s rather provoking to be left behind "when the horses are so anxious to go, and can lead. I like to lead in everything I under- take in this life.” “ Well,” said I, “ if you say so, we will let them out.” At this moment there dashe$ alongside a pair that were worthy our speed. “ Can that pair trot much ?” asked my friend. “ Yes,” said I. “ Shall we keep them company ?” “ I am a little afraid,” said the still hesitating Presby- terian. “Are you sure the buggy is firmly built and staunch ?” “ Both,” I reiterated — “ Brewster’s best !” “Brewster? Don’t know him. Never practiced in Chicago, did he ?” “ No ; he makes light wagons in New York.” “ Excuse me — I see — but hold on, please; we are surely going too fast.” “ I will hold up, if you say so.” “ I do ; — but, confound it — don’t get beat. The buggy is ” “ Yes,” I anticipated, “ warranted for a year.” “ Life insured ?” “No. Buggy’s is — not mine. How is it with you ?” I have but $3,000. Was intending to take out ” By this time we were going very fast. It was, to use a common phrase, “Nip and Tuck” between the two pair, with Tuck — which was us — just a trifle behind. My friend grasped my arm in great excitement, ex- claiming, “By Jove, this is fun! Let ’em out,” and I did “let ’em out” — and our opponent did the same. No urging was needed — no whips used. The two sped 182 THAT CONVENTION ; Oil, ahead magnificently. Now one would lead — then the other. Not a break for a clear half mile. “Can't we leave him behind ?” urged my friend. For the first time I shouted, “ Go on, Billy !” which was rash of me, for Billy knew his business better than we did, and broke. “ We are lost !” said my friend, “ we are ruined” — mixing up the race with some important suit in which he was engaged. “ Hold on,” said I ; “ perhaps not. Whoa, Billy ! Whoa! Steady — don’t disgrace us, my boy.” A wicked jump or two and he settled into a frightful trot, and we both shouted, “ Go in, Billy — go /” “ Yes !” shouted the completely demoralized Presby- terian,” “ Go, Billy, for all you are worth, if you never did before ;” and sure enough he did go, as if fully realizing the situation. Both went. Yes, all four went, at a terrible gait, regardless of life and limb ; the gravel flew back like hail “ Cover your mouth for the home stretch,” I sug- gested, “ or you’ll need a dentist to-morrow.” FIVE DAYS A POLITICIAN. 183 “ Don’t talk to me of dentists or teeth, but beat that fellow, and I will square our accounts to-morrow, in a way that will show that even a Chicago lawyer has some conscience.” Having had some experience in this direction, and as this reduced the race to a financial matter (no betting, however), I again spoke to Billy and mate, when they again increased their speed, and bearing beautifully ahead, left us masters of the situation, in sight of Hyde Park. Now all this may have been very wicked, according to the belief of many good people ; but neither of us thought so, for it brought the oxygen to our cheeks, vigor to our bodies, and a healthy rest and recreation to our brains. “ Bearing beautifully ahead.” The good Methodist sister on the Mississippi thought boat-racing very wicked, when the race began, but she fed the furnace with her invoice of fat hams when the wood was exhausted. We are fully aware that a large portion of the Christian world think keeping a fast horse is wicked, 184 THAT CONVENTION. and would not look at a horse-race, unless it was through their fingers, — as the modest Quaker lady did at the statuary, — for fear of committing an unpardonable sin. Now I am of a decidedly different opinion, and can see no more harm in looking at a trial of speed between horses than between two birds in mid air. I do not think that Mr. Bonner’s charities, and efforts in encouraging American authors, are of any less value because he loves the horse ; nor were the eloquent ser- mons of the Rev. Mr. Spear, of New York, any less forcible because he was fond of fast horses, and offered $2,000 for the Flora Temple of his time. Better a thou- sand times for a minister to own and drive a fast horse than to preach with a diseased brain or a dyspeptic stomach. THE END.