3r^ -> 
 
 THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY, 
 
 Princeton, N. J. 
 
 | BX 9225 .H315 Y6 1838 
 
 Halyburton, Thomas, 1674- 
 
 1712. 
 Memoirs of the Rev. Thomas 
 
 "*■' Halyburton 
 
• 
 

SELECT 
 
 CHRISTIAN AUTHORS, 
 
 INTRODUCTORY ESSAYS. 
 
 N° 11. 
 
by J hn 5cc.lL Glasgow 
 . I SHED BY -WILLIAM COLLINS GLASGOW 
 
MEMOIRS 
 
 EEV. THOMAS HALYBURTON 
 
 AN INTRODUCTORY ESSAY, 
 
 REV. DAVID YOUNG, 
 
 PERTH. 
 
 FOURTH EDITION. 
 
 GLASGOW: 
 
 WILLIAM COLLINS, 155, INGRAM STREET; 
 
 OLIVER & BOYD, WM. WHYTE & CO., AND WM. OMPHANT & SON', 
 
 EDINBURGH; WM. CURRY, JUN.,& CO., DUBLIN; WHITTAKER &CO.. 
 HAMILTON, ADAMS, & CO., AND SIMPKIN, MARSHALL, & CO., LONDON. 
 
 1838. 
 
Wm, Collins cV Co., Printers, Candlerigg Court, Glasgow. 
 

 
 INTRODUCTORY ESSAY. 
 
 It is much to be feared, that, in times of peace and 
 prosperity in the church, many have got into her 
 fellowship who know very little, if any thing at all, 
 about the true spirit of Christianity. Impositions 
 of this kind, it is true, like forgeries on our national 
 coinage, have been practised in every age ; for there 
 never was a time, at which it could be said, " They 
 are all Israel who are of Israel." But at present, 
 and especially in our favoured country, there is evi- 
 dence that the church is under an exposure of this 
 kind which is somewhat peculiar. The times are 
 gone by, al which the man who said he was a Chris- 
 tian, had to make good his word at the hazard of his 
 liberty, or his property, or his life ; and the spirit of 
 scepticism, which something more than half an age 
 ago, was so restless, and so full of arrogance, is now 
 put under a powerful suppression. It is not able, 
 as heretofore, to give currency to the maxim, that 
 saintship and imbecility are one and the same thing. 
 The coarse and impious ridicule which, in those 
 clays, laughed the unstable out of his profession, and 
 deterred the timid from putting it on, is, to a great 
 
VI 
 
 extent, subdued. Even the imaginary disrepute 
 which a licentious humour had contrived to asso- 
 ciate with the higher degrees, at least, of practical 
 Christianity, is in no small degree done away with. 
 As matters now stand, the man of piety may be as 
 rigid in his adherence to the law of his God as he 
 will : he may have as much zeal for the purity of his 
 profession — as much shyness of conformity to the 
 world — as much spirituality, and intensity, and ele- 
 vation in his aspirations, as his nature can sustain, 
 without the fear of molestation from any thing in 
 human form. 
 
 True, indeed, there are still scoffers among us — 
 and scoffers there will be, so Ions' as there is uno;od- 
 liness : for Christianity is too decided a thing ; its 
 genius is too holy, its demands too reasonable, its 
 denouncements too fearful, and its spirit too power- 
 ful and searching, to be simply let alone by those to 
 whom it is announced. It interferes much too far 
 with the weightiest of human interests, to be viewed 
 with absolute neutrality. It puts itself forth upon 
 every man who lives under its administration, and he 
 must have to do with it in one way or other. He 
 must embrace it, or take care to be ignorant of it, or 
 commit himself to a warfare against it. If he can- 
 not love it, he must hate it — if he cannot bow to its 
 authority, he must exert himself to nullify that autho- 
 rity, in its influence upon his own mind; and as there 
 is no way of effecting this, which is easier in itself, 
 more congenial to his inclinations, or better fitted 
 to stupify his moral feelings, than by working up the 
 whole subject with ludicrous and scornful associations 
 
VI! 
 
 — he therefore resorts to this as its readiest mode of 
 attack. This species of assault upon Christianity 
 is not the peculiarity of an age, or a district, or a 
 given state of society, although it may be modified 
 by these ; it is one of the native elements of human 
 depravity, which, in so/ne degree, displays itself in 
 every age and every district, and every state of so- 
 ciety, according as circumstances are favourable or 
 adverse to its operations. But, although the spirit 
 of scepticism, and profane derision, its first-born, be 
 always in hostile array against goodness and piety, 
 yet they have their seasons of comparative impo- 
 tency — and the present is one of these seasons. 
 Their shafts are not flying so thickly, nor wounding 
 so deeply, nor lacerating the feelings so wofully, nor 
 obstructing the march of Christianity so powerfully 
 as in former times. The point of these missiles has 
 been blunted, and their force diminished, by the de- 
 scent of a milder spirit upon general society. 
 
 Nor is this all. A profession of Christianity has 
 not only thus far ceased to be persecuted ; it has be- 
 come reputable. Instead of sinking a man into 
 ignominy, it, in many cases, raises him to honour. 
 The transforming efficacy of the gospel is rising, as it 
 were, from the under current of society, and begin- 
 ning to appear on its glittering surface. Wealth, 
 and learning, and political influence, and even prince- 
 ly power, are looking with complacency on the dis- 
 ciples of Jesus, and gradually becoming their allies. 
 How far this may proceed, or at what point in the 
 scale of ascension it may be arrested or repelled, we 
 know not — the inquiry is unpleasant, and may be 
 
Vlll 
 
 forborne — but we speak of the existing fact, the 
 evidences of which are brightening and multiplying 
 to the eye of every intelligent observer. Now all 
 this is most auspicious. It is producing a mighty 
 change in the aspect of society; it is clearing away 
 the clouds which lowered so long, or floated in such 
 ominous variety over the religious world ; and it is 
 opening to us a prospect from which we derive the 
 most refreshing anticipations. It tells the man who, 
 in other circumstances, would have sat down and 
 counted the cost, and made up his mind to continue 
 as he was, rather than venture on so precarious a 
 transition, that now he has little cost to count ; that 
 the balance, in point of secular advantage, is on the 
 side of a change, or at the very worst, not greatly 
 against it. In short, if it has not gilded the exte- 
 rior of a Christian profession with positive attrac- 
 tions, it has at least diminished the repulsiveness of 
 its appearance, and rendered it more compatible with 
 the ease, and the securities, and the ordinary enjoy- 
 ments of human life. 
 
 In these circumstances, it is to be counted on, that 
 those who wear the badge of Christianity shall be 
 more numerous, and less select than they otherwise 
 would have been — that many are joining themselves 
 outwardly to the church, who, had the ordeal through 
 which they pass into her fellowship been more fiery, 
 would have kept their place in the ranks of her ene- 
 mies. We do not say there are too many who have 
 " named the name of Jesus" in outward profession ; 
 for the doing of this is, in itself, a good thing ; and 
 the amount of undisguised profanity in our land, is 
 
IX 
 
 still alarmingly great. Nor do we think it better 
 for the church that ungodly men should appear in 
 their ungodliness, rather than he hid in the mask of 
 hypocrisy : for it is not to be denied, that a goodly 
 exterior in religion, even where there is nothing 
 more, is one of the instruments of which the Most 
 High avails himself, for carrying on his work of 
 mercy. Such a mask may be so artfully put on, 
 and so well sustained, as to conceal a multitude of 
 iniquities, which would otherwise prove contagious, 
 but are thus rendered harmless to all but the de- 
 ceiver himself. But what we deprecate is, the ex- 
 tent of individual delusion which the causes hinted 
 at are likely to produce, and the fearful disappoint- 
 ment which must ensue when characters are scruti- 
 nized. It is in the absence of the storms of nature, 
 and under the genial influence of her dews and sun- 
 shine, that the weeds which are destined to destruc- 
 tion spring up and multiply in the fields of the hus- 
 bandman; and who does not know that there is 
 something analogous to this in the moral region of 
 the church. A name to live, at any time, is apt to 
 be mistaken for that which the name implies ; but at 
 no time is this error so likely to be committed, as 
 when there is little or nothing externally in operation 
 to bring professions to the test. Nor is any man so 
 unwilling to suspect himself of such an error as he 
 who ought most to fear it. It is painful to think of 
 the complacency with which some people call them- 
 selves Christians, and seem to count on it, as a thing 
 undoubted, that whatever Christianity can do for 
 man is theirs by inheritance ; while, from all that is 
 a3 
 
seen about them, there is reason to suspect, that if 
 but a tenth of the sacrifice exacted for it from the 
 men of other times, and cheerfully paid by these 
 men, were exacted from them, they would cast the 
 inheritance behind their back. Such persons can 
 converse on the general principles of Christianity 
 with intelligence and decorum; they can show a 
 mannerly respect for its forms and institutions, but 
 if you go down with them into the interior of the 
 subject, and point out to them its peculiar feelings, 
 its conflicts, and its consolations, they are out of 
 their element. They have no experience of these 
 things; they are conscious of no internal affinity 
 with them ; but still they retain the conviction that 
 they are the disciples of Jesus Christ. 
 
 We have no right to indulge a censorious humour, 
 or to speak suspiciously of an age in which there is 
 so much to admire and eulogize. Nor will we do 
 so, for in the movements of its men and its mea- 
 sures, we see an impulse given to Christianity by 
 the Spirit of its great Author, which is awakening 
 feelings, and tending to results the most illustrious 
 and cheering. But it is no reflection on the age, 
 as a season of special goodness from the God of 
 providence, to forewarn man, that the very goodness 
 which is diffused around him in such abounding va- 
 riety, may be converted by him into an occasion of 
 evil. Nay, since the history of our wayward nature 
 sustains the assertion, that times such as ours have 
 been almost uniformly distinguished for such per- 
 versity — since existing circumstances among us are 
 undeniably favourable to a delusion which involves 
 
XI 
 
 m it all that is tremendous in "perdition" — since 
 the symptoms of such a delusion are so obvious, and 
 its consequences so disastrous, there is positive bene- 
 volence, not merely in referring to it, but in urging 
 it frequently, and with the deepest earnestness, on 
 the attention of the Christian public: " What is 
 the chaff to the wheat ? saith the Lord." 
 
 It is true, that the things which at present favour 
 the delusion, at least that class of them of which we 
 are treating, are not in themselves of deep discovery, 
 but He open to the view of every mind which is given 
 to serious reflection ; but of how few minds can this 
 be affirmed, especially in the department of personal 
 religion ? How often, in this department, are symp- 
 toms which are obvious to every one else, overlooked 
 by the individual who bears them, or left unexamined, 
 although events of the greatest importance are sus- 
 pended on them ? It is also true, that the faithful 
 ministry of the gospel throughout the land, are fre- 
 quent and assiduous in their pleadings against the 
 influence of an easy and unsuspecting age : for who 
 that is alive to the responsibilities of office — that is 
 zealous for God, or compassionate to man, does not 
 dread its influence, as the most subtle and evasive 
 of all the elements with which he has to contend. It 
 is well that they are so ; and every one of them has 
 reason to hope for his portion of success. But the 
 question is, does the danger continue to exist, or 
 does it not ? Is the charm of the delusion dissolved, 
 or is it still in force ? Are the probable victims of 
 it many, or are they few? Is the suspicion of it, 
 even where the danger is most prevalent, asleep to a 
 
Xll 
 
 great extent; or is that suspicion wakeful and active? 
 If the primary of these inquiries bear upon the fact, 
 while the secondary do not — if there be even a pos- 
 sibility, that the majority of men in our professing 
 age, however shrewd or quick-sighted in secular 
 matters, are blessing themselves in religion, in that 
 which they have not — if they be satisfied and com- 
 placent when they ought to be anxious and inquisi- 
 tive — if there be an ominous readiness to say, 
 " Lord, Lord," without a yielding of moral subjec- 
 tion, a doinsj of what is commanded — if these things, 
 in short, can be said, in any measure, to characterize 
 the age, then surely the call is loud for a speedy and 
 thorough investigation. " Prove your ownselves" 
 is the inspired admonition, and the man of wisdom 
 will bend his ear to it. 
 
 It is painfully instructive to survey in succession 
 the diversified expedients by which men contrive to 
 keep themselves aloof from the spirit of Christianitv, 
 while yet they admit its importance, and wish to be 
 owned as its friends. They will not embrace it as 
 it is ; and neither are they prepared to let it alone. 
 Their love of sin prevents them from the former; 
 and their fears of retribution, or their respect for 
 outward decency, restrains them from the latter. 
 They are too much under its influence to fly off from 
 it altogether; and too much opposed to it to be 
 brought into actual subjection to it. In this state of 
 mind, they go round it, and round it, looking at it, 
 now in one of its aspects, then in another; but still 
 the distance from which they look at it is so great, 
 and the medium through which their eye penetrates, 
 
Xlll 
 
 so dim and disfiguring, that the intrinsic excellence 
 of the thing itself is hid from their view. They 
 come short of the reality, and take up with a dark 
 shadow of it, which varies in its degrees of unlike- 
 ness to that reality, according to the measure of their 
 depravity, and the consequent deficiency of their 
 mental vision. 
 
 One of the most common, and perhaps the most 
 insnaring expedients, by which men contrive to quiet 
 the pleadings of conscience in favour of Christi- 
 anity, is by attempting to effectuate for themselves, 
 or to systematize for others, a reconciliation be- 
 tween it and the manners of this world, by diminish- 
 ing the claims of the former, and increasing the of- 
 fers of the latter, till, as they suppose, the two are 
 brought into unison. A man of this description 
 sees much to be praised in the morality of the Bible, 
 and much to be blamed in the immorality of the 
 world — for this is his style of talking about the mat- 
 ter. When, in the lower walks of life, he meets 
 with the wanton profanities, or violent infractions 
 upon reason and equity, which are ever disfiguring 
 the aspect of society, and multiplying the miseries of 
 man, he is rendered unhappy, and cannot refrain 
 from deploring such things, with feelings of ingenu- 
 ous sorrow. Nor are his emotions greatly different 
 when, among the higher orders, he meets with so 
 much of the ceremony of sound morality, and so 
 little of its living spirit — so much of its dress and 
 tinsel, and so little of its solid worth. "While the 
 open deformity of the one class offends him, he de- 
 spises the inanity, or deceit which are so prevalent 
 
XV] 
 
 polished and intelligent, the friends of morality, and 
 the friends of man, to the utmost limit that their 
 principles can carry them. Were we to remonstrate 
 with such a one, it might be asked, Why should 
 you be content with so distant and loose a view of 
 that which is confessed to be of so immense impor- 
 tance? Why will you not bestow a thorough in- 
 vestigation on this great subject, since you admit its 
 importance, and have it before you in such minute- 
 ness of statement and urgency of appeal? Why 
 should you insist on it, that the religion of Jesus, 
 searching and spiritual although its commandment 
 be, is inaccessible to man, or incompatible with his 
 nature, since it appears so clearly, from man's living 
 history, to be the disease of his nature, and not his 
 nature itself, which creates the whole of the diffi- 
 culty ? Why allow this religion to do no more than 
 smooth the rugged exterior of society, or strengthen 
 a few of the coarser virtues, since the existing monu- 
 ments of its efficacy evince its power to renovate the 
 entire mass from its surface down to the very core ? 
 Why, in short, regard it as a thing of time, if there 
 be so much as a peradventure that it reaches forth 
 to eternity itself? The advocates of Christianity 
 may err, their zeal or indiscretion may hurry them 
 into extravagance, but you have the thing itself pure 
 and entire in the oracles of its God. In the lan- 
 guage which was once applied to a subject of its 
 Author's healing power, we may say to you, It is of 
 age, ask it, it shall speak for itself. Let it tell you 
 its own tale, and disclose to you its own pretensions. 
 But when you consult it, do it justice by looking at 
 
XVII 
 
 it as a whole. If its demands be deep and exclu- 
 sive, reaching to the innermost of your thoughts, 
 and the most minute of your moral activities, its 
 gratuities are also rich and equal to all your neces- 
 sities. If it calls for sacrifices which you reckon 
 severe, it proffers rewards which are infinitely more 
 than a compensation. If it shuts you out from 
 gratifications which you now hold dear, it opens to 
 you others, which are inconceivably more delight- 
 ful. If it requires you to " put. off the old man 
 with his deeds, and to put on the new man, which, 
 after God, is created in righteousness and true holi- 
 ness," it accompanies the requisition with an assur- 
 ance, that " it is God who worketh in you both to will 
 and to do of his good Measure." If it proposes so 
 entire a revolution in j jur present views and feelings, 
 it does so, because it has a heaven in reserve for you, 
 and this is indispensable to a participation of its joys. 
 A second subterfuge, under which men are prone 
 to shelter themselves, as a substitute for genuine 
 Christianity is, what has long been called legality, 
 or an attempt to work out their own salvation, with- 
 out a due dependance on the grace of God, as it 
 flows through the atonement of Jesus Christ. Per- 
 sons of this description may be said to come a little 
 nearer to the Bible than the former. They have 
 some acquaintance with the scheme of its doctrines, 
 and they regard it as bearing emphatically on the 
 concerns of a future world. Feeling themselves in- 
 volved in the responsibilities which religion lays open, 
 and exposed to the retribution which it foretels, they 
 have no leisure to theorize on it as a matter of 
 
XV111 
 
 general utility, but are constrained to take it up as 
 a matter of individual concern. The law of its God 
 has touched their consciences, denouncing its curse 
 upon every one who continueth not in all things 
 which are written in the book of it to do them. 
 This, as it well may, has filled them with alarm. 
 They perceive an obvious contrast between the very 
 letter of the law, and the general tenor of their 
 conduct; and thus, they stand before it, self-con- 
 demned. In spite of every effort to resist the con- 
 viction, it is forced upon them; that, if there be 
 any thing in religion, there can be nothing for them 
 but " a fearful looking for of judgment, and fiery 
 indignation." To quiet this alarm, they betake 
 themselves to an outward amendment of life. If, 
 hitherto, they were openly vicious in their conduct, 
 they become equally open in their observance of the 
 rules of outward decency. They study the Scrip- 
 tures, and draw from them the maxims of a dry 
 morality. They show respect to the stated observ- 
 ances of Christianity; and exhibit, in the whole of 
 their intercourse with society, the signs of a decided 
 transformation. So fair is their aspect, and so hope- 
 ful their tendencies, that the Charity which thinketh 
 no evil, begins to claim them as a part of the Chris- 
 tian brotherhood. 
 
 All this is good in its place. It is a tribute to 
 religion, which even impiety itself is sometimes con- 
 strained to pay. It is sometimes the first symptom of 
 a genuine transition from sin to godliness ; but if it 
 be rested in, as the sum total of that transition, it is 
 radically defective. There is a feeling of impotency, 
 
XIX 
 
 as well as of short-coming, which has a firm hold of 
 the Christian heart. There is a soul as well as a body 
 in practical religion ; and the former must animate the 
 latter, in order to constitute a real subsistence in the 
 church of the living God. There is an inward glow- 
 ing of love, as well as an outward accordance with 
 rule, which must give freshness and beauty to those 
 activities which he will recognize as obedience to his 
 law. There is an expiation of sins that are past, a 
 cleansing and quickening of the springs of action, 
 and a gradual emancipation from the bondage of cor- 
 ruption, which must be sought after, and must be 
 obtained by a direct application to the Christian 
 atonement, before there can be any value in outward 
 compliance with the Christian precept, as the index 
 of a spiritual transition " from the power of Satan 
 unto God." The question, with the man who 
 wishes to make sure of this transition, will not be, 
 Am I an altered being in the sight of men ? but, What 
 am I in the sight of God ? Is there a new principle 
 of holy vitality working within me, and sustaining 
 my outward conformity ? Am I in some measure 
 conscious of a fervid consecration of heart to the ser- 
 vices of religion — of a settled, or, at least, a settling 
 " delight in the law of the Lord after the inward 
 man" — of an abiding contrition of spirit, produced 
 by a feeling of heinous delinquency, and mellowed 
 by an apprehension of mercy — nay, of a simple re- 
 liance on him, who " of God is made unto us wis- 
 dom, and righteousness, and sanctiiication, and re- 
 demption ?" These are some of the queries which 
 offer themselves for solution, by the man who lays 
 
XX 
 
 claim to the inheritance of the Christian, and so long 
 as he fails to meet them with satisfactory replies, he 
 has reason to stand in doubt of himself. Chris- 
 tianity may do much to overawe a man, when he 
 views it as a ministration of fear — it may do much 
 to train him to an outward uniformity, when he 
 views it as a system of moral institutes ; but, till the 
 inspiration which it breathes, the purity which it 
 generates, and the love which it enkindles, are con- 
 veyed to his heart, he must be destitute of its saving 
 efficacy. " Ye have not received the spirit of bon- 
 dage again to fear, but ye have received the spirit 
 of adoption, whereby we cry, Father, Father." 
 
 Unhappily for man, however, he can do much to 
 impose upon himself in this department. When he 
 first enters on the routine of outward observances, he 
 must feel it irksome, because it is uncongenial to his 
 inclinations ; but, as he proceeds, his mind is gradu- 
 ally formed to it by the power of habit, aided by the 
 imagined relief which it affords him, or the hopes of 
 impunity to which it gives rise. Thus, to a great 
 extent at least, the irksomeness is neutralized ; and 
 mistaking its absence for the presence of its opposite, 
 he makes himself believe that he is just as much a 
 Christian as others around him. Nay, there is a 
 species of pleasure which he may derive from the 
 very subjects in religion, which come in succession 
 under his view. They may go to his heart in a 
 particular way. He may acquire a fondness for 
 them, on the same principle on which he is fond of 
 what is grand or romantic, or tenderly touching in 
 a well-executed fiction. He may work them into 
 
XXI 
 
 his feelings, or habits of conversation — he may che- 
 rish the thought of them as a man cherishes a mat- 
 ter of vivid consciousness or delightful experience, 
 and in this way he may practise upon himself a verv 
 artful and a very fatal delusion. It is fearful to 
 think of the ease and efficiency with which a man 
 can blind himself in this way, adhering tenaciously 
 to his own device, and resisting every call to review 
 his procedure, although it may be said of him, with no 
 less truth than of the worshipper of idols, " He feed- 
 eth upon ashes ; a deceived heart hath turned him 
 aside that he cannot deliver his soul, nor say, is there 
 not a lie in my right hand ?" 
 
 The most alarming evil connected with this deta- 
 ch 
 
 sion is, that it leads the mind by slow degrees, and 
 insensibility it may be, to fortify itself in a position 
 which renders its salvation every thing but impossi- 
 ble. The man is really reformed, though he is not 
 renewed in the spirit of his mind. His reformation 
 is a visible thing, written out on the exterior of his 
 character, known and read of all men. It has been 
 effected withal, under the influence of Christianity, 
 and by the power of Christian truth. On these very 
 grounds it is strongly assimilated to that reformation 
 which is thorough and saving; but in proportion as 
 it is so, the difficulty of detecting its fallacy is 
 mightily increased. The man is so like a Christian 
 that you cannot convince him he is any thing else. 
 The attempt to bring him into doubt about the mat- 
 ter, is defeated by the appearance which it has, or 
 which he can easily give to it, of impertinent or cen- 
 sorious intermeddling. He has not the life of god- 
 
XXII 
 
 liness though he wears its form ; and just because he 
 wants it, he is like every other dead man, a stranger 
 to the stirring solicitudes and salutary fears which 
 indicate and stimulate the operation of life. Thus 
 it is that his situation is peculiarly forbidding, and 
 inaccessible to the means of relief, rendering the 
 prospect of his rescue increasingly distant, the longer 
 he continues to hold by it. 
 
 When he begins to move in this dry and devious 
 path, and while the fears which induced him to en- 
 ter on it are still fresh in his recollection, you may 
 see him anxious and hesitating, willing to listen to 
 counsel, like one who is " not far from the kingdom 
 of heaven;" but as he gets along, his anxiety sub- 
 sides and his confidence increases, till ultimately he 
 becomes proud and opinionative, sure that he is 
 right, and contemptuous of every one who insinuates 
 the contrary. The darkness thickens as he descends 
 into it, till at length it has acquired consistency 
 enough to close the eye of his understanding, and 
 divert him with images of ultimate safety, till the 
 crisis arrive at which " his iniquity is found to be 
 hateful." It is melancholy to observe the flippancy 
 with which truth and error are jumbled together in 
 the speculations of such persons. They will tell us, 
 with all the ease and confidence imaginable, that 
 Jesus Christ is the Saviour of sinners — that he came 
 into the world to set us an example of suffering and 
 patience, that we should follow his steps — that he 
 died also to teach us the art of trusting in God. 
 even in the greatest extremity ; and that, as there i- 
 in our nature an unhappy tendency to go wrenr. aH 
 
XX111 
 
 this was necessary, that by having so bright a pat- 
 tern delineated before us, its beauty and attraction 
 might win us back into the paths of virtue. But 
 to talk of the death of Christ as an atonement for 
 sin, or of the rigours of a law which could require 
 such a sacrifice for any little delinquencies of ours, 
 is, in their estimation, to libel the Deity, and to hold 
 him up to the creatures he has made in a light which 
 is altogether unamiable. While, at the same time, 
 to speak of the universal depravity of man, or of his 
 utter inability to perform an action which accords 
 with the spirit of his Creator's law, is to calumniate 
 the species, and to deprive us at once of every ho- 
 nourable spur to moral activity. For their part, they 
 are quite sure that they love the paths of virtue, and 
 are able to walk in them with but a little assistance, 
 and now that they have the career of the Saviour 
 before their eyes, they see the way to the celestial 
 region quite patent, and make no doubt of arriving 
 there in due time by walking in their own strength, 
 as he also walked. How artful is man in conceal- 
 ing from himself the extent of his own deformity, 
 and by consequence, the peculiar glories of that 
 remedy which God has provided for his disease ! 
 
 There is a third class of Christian professors, who 
 have posted themselves on an extreme directly op- 
 posed to that which has just been adverted to, whose 
 speculations seem much more evangelical in their 
 complexion, but who, in point of fact, are equally 
 remote from that " repentance which needeth not to 
 be repented of." They not only acquiesce in every 
 thins which the former class denv about the atone- 
 
XXIV 
 
 merit of Jesus Christ, and the moral inability of man, 
 but strenuously plead for it as indisputable truth, 
 and on it, as a basis, they found the perverse conclu- 
 sion, that they can do, and are required to do abso- 
 lutely nothing at all. Their language is, We are 
 " dead in trespasses and sins," and " Christ is the 
 end of the law, for righteousness to every one that 
 believeth ;" therefore, if we believe in Christ, we 
 have nothing to do with the law in any form, and it 
 has just as little to do with us. We have no right- 
 eousness of our own to present to it, and we re- 
 quire none, for in the very act of believing, the 
 righteousness of our substitute is imputed to us. 
 Instead then of troubling ourselves, as many do, 
 with loud lamentations over what is called remaining 
 corruption, or the sins of the heart and the life, let 
 us abound in joy, for our hope is built upon the very 
 words of inspiration, and we cannot but be safe in 
 the end. How jealous can these persons show 
 themselves for the honour of the Saviour, and the 
 purity of evangelical truth. How mortally do they 
 hate what they call legal preaching, and with what 
 virulence of spirit will they fulminate their condemn- 
 ation of the characters already described. 
 
 It would be well for them to remember, that 
 Christianity, as laid down in the Bible, is more than 
 a mere remission of punishment, and must be more, to 
 be worthy of Him from whom it has come. So far 
 from freeing man from his obligation to obey, it posi- 
 tively enforces that obligation, and strengthens it 
 by new motives. If theirs be not a faith then, 
 which " worketh by love, and purines the heart," 
 
XXV 
 
 it is no faith ; and if they do not feel sin, which 
 dwelleth in them, to be a heavy burden, they are no 
 Christians. The theoiy of their creed may be a 
 skeleton of orthodoxy, so far as it extends ; but it 
 is a naked skeleton, and withal it wants the vital 
 parts: the Spirit of life, from the Lord, has not been 
 breathed into it, and therefore it is dead, being alone. 
 Nay, if their religion were genuine, the apostle of the 
 Gentiles would be found in error ; for they are actu- 
 ally making void the law through faith, and convert- 
 ing the grace of God into an instrument of licen- 
 tiousness. Thus it is, that each of these contrasted 
 parties is deviating from the path which leadeth unto 
 life. The works of the first are dead, because they 
 are isolated from faith ; and the faith of the second 
 is dead, because it is isolated from works. The 
 first impeaches the wisdom of God, by supposing 
 that the stupendous economy of redemption, with 
 all its wonders and mysteries, was devised and exe- 
 cuted for no higher purpose, than to give forth a 
 glowing picture of piety to man ; and the second im- 
 peaches his moral attributes, by conceiving him ca- 
 pable of dispensing pardon, without securing purity 
 of heart. The one ensures the ruin of the sinner, 
 by assigning him a task which he can never perform; 
 and the other involves him in the same disaster, by 
 teaching him to neglect what no other can do for 
 him. In short, the victim of the one delusion is 
 proud enough to account himself both the cause and 
 the instrument of his own salvation, while the victim 
 of the other is blind enough to imagine that he is 
 neither the one nor the other. 
 
 B 11 
 
XXVI 
 
 The man who follows his Bible as Ids guide, is 
 kept from the extravagance of either extreme. It 
 tells him, that God has procured the whole of our 
 salvation by his own power, through the mediation 
 of his Son, in our nature ; and to the procuring of 
 this, the helpless creature can contribute nothing 
 whatever, for it is all of God. But it tells him also, 
 that in applying this salvation to its perishing objects 
 — in planting the principle of renovation in the heart 
 of a particular sinner — and in making it to live and 
 pospcr there, he makes use of the moral constitu- 
 tion of that sinner, his bodily and mental faculties, 
 as an appropriate agency for promoting the work, 
 and bringing it to perfection. It tells him, that the 
 God of heaven, by his divine Spirit, is the great ef- 
 ficient of all the saving efficacv which is wrought 
 into the heart of man in this world; while the moral 
 activities of the man himself, are the chosen instru- 
 mentality on which, and by which the energy is put 
 forth. " I laboured more abundantly than all my 
 contemporaries," says an apostle, " yet not I, but 
 the grace of God which was in me," or operating 
 by me. As we have no warrant to look for miracles 
 under an organized dispensation of the Gospel — as 
 it would be impious even to suppose, that after ap- 
 pointing the means of man's deliverance, and adapt- 
 ing them most wisely to the furtherance of the end, 
 the Most High would disregard them, or countenance 
 a dereliction of them in any one instance — so the-: 
 must be employed, and employed too with unwearied 
 diligence, in order to success. While, therefore, 
 we are to ascribe all the saving benefits connected 
 
xxvn 
 
 with Christian agency, purely to the grace of God; 
 and while we are, in no case, to ascribe to this 
 agency any thing like merit or efficient causation, 
 we are, at the same time, to beware of detracting 
 from it, even the smallest item of its warranted value, 
 or of excusing our own indolence by the plea, that 
 we can do nothing at all ;' for we can do something 
 — we can do evil: and therefore, as reasonable be- 
 ings, we can do actions which would be good if our 
 hearts were right. There is nothing more obvious, 
 from the whole tenor of Scripture, than that every 
 man who has the use of reason, and lives under the 
 administration of Christianity, has a part to act in 
 the matter of his salvation ; and it is not too much 
 to say, that unless he act that part he cannot be 
 saved. The voice from heaven plainly shows us 
 that there is a middle path between the two ex- 
 tremes already noticed ; and this middle path it calls 
 upon every man to seek out and to prosecute. It af- 
 fords no hope of salvation, on the one hand, by works 
 of righteousness which we can do, but directs us to 
 the atonement of Jesus Christ, as the only ground 
 of confidence ; reminding us, at the same time, that 
 this atonement is realized and rested on, by the ex- 
 ercise of a faith which is wrought into the heart of 
 every convert by the Spirit of God. Nor, on the 
 other hand, does it encourage us to trust in an ima- 
 gined interest in this atonement, while there is no 
 visible change in the spirit of our minds. On the 
 man whose guilt is uncancelled, and whose pollution, 
 of course, is yet in its entireness, it urges the atone- 
 b2 
 
XXV11J 
 
 mcnt as the only application by which the one can be 
 expiated, or the other washed away. It speaks out 
 on this subject, in language the most expressive, 
 forewarning every man, that holiness to the Lord 
 must not only be inscribed upon him nominally, but 
 infused into him really; and that the fruits of it 
 must appear, not merely as a seemly appendage to 
 his Christianity, but as an essential part of it, in the 
 absence of which he cannot be saved. 
 
 Another thing, which often prevents a man from 
 imbibing the spirit of saving truth, is the overgrowth 
 of a speculative turn of mind — a weed in the vine- 
 yard of the church, which is peculiarly pestilent in 
 its influence, and which is usually most luxuriant at 
 a season of ease and outward tranquillity. The man 
 who is affected by this contagion, begins to inter- 
 meddle with every thing in religion, and hopes to 
 reason his way through every thing, however intri- 
 cate or mysterious. If he be puzzled or arrested in 
 his course, as must soon be the case, when so impo- 
 tent a being as man applies himself to the things of 
 Clod, he tries to extricate himself by using liberties 
 with the word of God, which are forbidden by piety, 
 and can only tend to lower it in his esteem. He 
 opens his Bible, perhaps, for the seemingly harmless 
 purpose of giving scope to his ingenuity ; but it 
 instantly meets him with precepts which he dislikes, 
 or with doctrines which he cannot unriddle; and just 
 because he is nonplussed, he quarrels with the re- 
 cord, casts suspicions over its authenticity, or palms 
 on it a theory which it manifestly disowns. In short, 
 
XXIX 
 
 he will do any thing, rather than forego his opinions 
 in homage to its authority, or submit his bewildered 
 intellect to be tutored by its dictation. 
 
 The instances are very numerous, in which a 
 love of speculation, commencing under the disguise, 
 or mingled with the honest intention, of candid in- 
 quiry, has carried its unwary victim, by slow but 
 sure advances, into the wildest of scepticism. Such 
 instances are ever occurring ; and so fatally does this 
 passion sophisticate the mind, and deaden its sensi- 
 bilities, that very few of those who are once caught 
 in its snares, are ever found to regain their liberty. 
 It does happen, indeed, with some degree of fre- 
 quency, that the man, who never was any thing else 
 in religion than a reckless theorist, is ultimately con- 
 vinced, and reclaimed; but the man who, after putting 
 on its profession, and giving himself over to its stu- 
 dies and observances, has turned aside in this direc- 
 tion, passes into a region from which scarcely a tra- 
 veller ever returns. The aberrations of the intellect, 
 in this department, cannot fail to affect the heart ; 
 for thought and feeling are inseparably conjoined in 
 the human constitution, and incessantly acting and 
 re-acting on each other. And if a man can let him- 
 self down to the idea, that the Spirit of God may 
 be argued with, or even corrected by him, his feel- 
 ings will speedily modify themselves into a confor- 
 mity with that idea, his heart will escape from the 
 control, and forget the sacredness of divine revela- 
 tion ; and thus will he bring himself, unwittingly, it 
 may be, but in fearful reality, to the very confines of 
 that sin, which God has not said he will forgive. 
 
XXX 
 
 How suitable then, and how cogent, is the apostolic 
 admonition, " Take heed, brethren, lest there be in 
 any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing 
 from the living God." 
 
 It is easy to see, that the characteristic of this 
 state of mind is pride of intellect, with a consequent 
 insubordination of heart to the authority of the Most 
 High. Reason herself proclaims it, where her voice 
 is listened to, that man, even in his best estate, is 
 unable to solve the mysteries of the Godhead. It 
 is to her that revelation appeals, when it gives the 
 challenge to man, as man — a challenge at once so 
 eloquent, and so humiliating to his pride — " Canst 
 thou by searching find out God? Canst thou find out 
 the Almighty unto perfection ? It is the heights of 
 heaven; what canst thou do ? deeper than hell; what 
 canst thou know ? The measure thereof is longer 
 than the earth, and broader than the sea." But, if 
 reason can respond to such an appeal, even from the 
 darkness of her depravity — if she can perceive its 
 force, in some measure, by the lunar dimness of na- 
 ture's theology, how much more deep, and enlarged, 
 and abasing, must be her recognitions of it, when en- 
 lightened and refreshed by the beams of revelation. 
 Aided by this new luminary, she sees man, as a sin- 
 ner smitten with a blindness of mind, and seared into 
 a hardness of heart, which prevents him from con- 
 templating any one doctrine of revelation in the glow 
 of its interest, or in the amplitude of its dependen- 
 cies. She sees it to be an awful truth, that the 
 " natural man receivcth not the things of God, nei- 
 ther can he know them, because they are spiritually 
 
XXXI 
 
 discerned" — nay, that he is so perverse in heart, and 
 so prone to err, even after being in part renewed, as 
 to render it necessary for him to live much by faith, 
 and little by sight, as long as he lives at all in this 
 world. 
 
 The man of speculation, however, will not admit 
 that he is so helpless or insignificant a creature as 
 all this would imply. He claims the privilege of 
 deciding for himself, not only on the opinions of 
 men, but on the declarations of the Infallible God, 
 taking or rejecting his divine communications, ac- 
 cording as they agree or disagree with his own pre- 
 conceptions. He will listen to no reasoning which 
 involves a suspicion of his incompetency; but, with 
 all his depravities about him, and amidst all the con- 
 jectures and dubieties in which he is involved, he 
 sets forth his own misguided notions, and acts upon 
 them, as the exclusive test of truth or error, propriety 
 or impropriety, in matters of religion. This, we 
 say, is the fundamental error of the persons to whom 
 these remarks apply. They will judge for them- 
 selves, independently of God or man, in that about 
 which it is impossible for them, in the blindness of 
 their minds, to form a sound conclusion; and the 
 consequence of this determination is a departure 
 from the truth as it is in Jesus. 
 
 The way to be extricated from so perilous a state 
 of mind, is to give up with this determination, as 
 altogether foolish and irrational — to admit the obvi- 
 ous truth, that man is so blind, as to require a reve- 
 lation from heaven — to bow to that revelation, which 
 God has so graciously sent, and so fully attested — 
 
XXXI 1 
 
 to suffer it to check the profanities, and set limits to 
 the daring excursions of erring reason — to sit down, 
 in short, in the simplicity of genuine discipleship, in 
 readiness to be taught by the Bible. Nor let it be 
 objected, that this is despotic, tending to shackle the 
 human understanding, and put an end to the freedom 
 of thought : for if it be granted, that man is in dark- 
 ness — a thing which is proven by his actual history, 
 as well as admitted, and deeply deplored, by thou- 
 sands who never heard of the Bible — the freedom of 
 thought, that is, of thinking rightly, is put an end to 
 already. Man may bluster as he will about his in- 
 tellectual liberties, or boast himself ever so loudly of 
 the prerogatives of his nature; but every error in 
 judgment which he commits, and every deviation 
 from the line of moral rectitude with which he is 
 chargeable, is a link in that chain of legitimate evi- 
 dence, which completes the demonstration, that his 
 faculties are enslaved. 
 
 Since then, it is a fact which cannot be put down, 
 but which every new generation of our race rises up 
 and verifies afresh, that man cannot speculate his own 
 way to the knowledge of truth, or the practice of ho- 
 liness, how then can he be relieved, unless the prin- 
 ciples, which have power to renew him, be unfolded 
 to his mind, and infused into his heart, by the God 
 that made him ? 
 
 Freedom of thought now, alas ! is but another 
 name for licentiousness of thought. The passion 
 for it is rebellion against the Godhead; and reason, 
 philosophy, experience, religion, all combine in as- 
 suring us, that we can never be free, till we are 
 
XXX111 
 
 brought, in deep humility, and in honest sincerity, 
 to listen to him, who alone has the right to dictate, 
 and who exercises that right in telling us, that he 
 " has sent his Son to be the propitiation for our 
 sins." 
 
 It is not to be supposed, however, that a fond- 
 ness for extravagant thinking is always harmless, 
 except when it terminates in infidelity. The un- 
 bridled liberties of this kind, which, in many circles, 
 are so boldly claimed, and so vainly gloried in, may 
 be very mischievous, without producing such a shak- 
 ing of opinions, as throws a man loose from the whole 
 system of Christian truth. Where it cannot slay, 
 it is sure to sicken the spirit of piety. Where it 
 cannot altogether arrest the functions of spiritual 
 life, it may yet have power enough sorely to oppress, 
 and wofully to enfeeble their operations. It is the 
 offspring of pride, as already hinted, and it nurses 
 the parent from which it sprung. It never fails to 
 make a man imperious, disputatious, and warlike, in 
 the general habit of his mind, and thus renders the 
 soil of his heart much too arid and fiery for attract- 
 ing the unction, or imbibing the mellow placidity of 
 heavenly devotion. It is not amidst the storms of 
 nature, when the heavens are lowering, the tempest 
 raging, and the element in conflict, but in the still- 
 ness of her calm, that the dews descend, which re- 
 fresh and fructify the herbage of the earth. Nor is 
 it in the storm of intellect, or the conflict of angry 
 feeling, but in the stillness of contemplative piety, 
 that those gentle distillations are felt descending, 
 b3 
 
XXX IV 
 
 which are fraught with sweet and reviving influence 
 to the spiritual region of the church. 
 
 While, therefore, a man may feel himself in no 
 danger of being carried into infidelity by his love of 
 argumentation, or his eagerness to fathom the depths 
 of Christian mystery, it becomes him still to ascer- 
 tain, whether the topics on which he fixes, and the 
 state of mind in which they are approached by him, 
 be such as are most likely to guide him forward to 
 solid attainment. If a man be foolish enough to 
 put into his stomach, that which, though agreeable 
 to his palate, cannot be digested into bodily nourish- 
 ment, he must suffer harm ; because the laws of his 
 constitution forbid that any thing should be there 
 stated which is not available for the purpose. Know- 
 ledge is the nourishment of piety, and nothing in re- 
 ligion, however ingenious or fascinating, deserves the 
 name, if it cannot be digested into pious emotion. 
 Just in proportion as it is irreducible to this, is it in- 
 jurious to the spiritual man, tending inevitably to 
 minister something which is adverse to " godly edi- 
 fying." Nor is it necessarily the case, that opinions 
 which are not subservient to piety, are therefore in 
 themselves erroneous. The error may consist, and 
 very often does consist, in inverting the order of 
 procedure. That which is food to a full grown 
 man, would be death to an infant, because the infant 
 has not yet arrived at the vigour of constitution 
 which would enable him to work it into his bodily 
 system. Were the man, who has formed the pur- 
 pose of mastering a human science, to pass over its 
 
XXXV 
 
 elements, and plunge at once into its deepest myste- 
 ries, he would feel himself puzzled, to a degree which, 
 in all likelihood, would drive him off from it, with 
 feelings of disappointment and disgust. 
 
 Christianity is a science. Its principles are capable 
 of being gathered up, and built together, into one of 
 the grandest and best constructed systems which the 
 human intellect ever contemplated. But this is not 
 the point: there is all the order, and dependency, 
 and nice adjustment of science, in the manner of its 
 growth in the heart of man. The man who comes 
 to it practically, must begin by taking up and appro- 
 priating its first principles. Nor is it till after he 
 has mastered these, or rather has been mastered by 
 them, that his understanding can be opened, or his 
 affections seasoned, for comprehending its ultimate 
 disclosures. The first thing with which it presents 
 him, is not a key to the solution of its mysteries, 
 but a development of his own malady, with an ex- 
 hibition of its sanative efficacy ; and if he refuses this 
 exhibition, or tosses it aside till he has explored the 
 theory of its doctrines, he deprives himself inevitably 
 of all its benefits, and converts it into an enforce- 
 ment of his previous doom. Such, however, is the 
 way in which many people commence the study of 
 Christianity. They will take up the question which 
 it agitates, but they will not take it up as its Author 
 has laid it down to them. They will discuss its pre- 
 tensions, but, in defiance of all example, and all ana- 
 logy, they will not begin at the beginning of the 
 subject. They thrust themselves in upon its pro- 
 foundest doctrines, before they are prepared for ex- 
 
XXXVI 
 
 amining these doctrines. They come out with their 
 objections to its peculiar statements, not considering, 
 that the want of what is elementary — the want of 
 renovation in the spirit of their own minds, and this 
 alone — is the reason why they prosecute these ob- 
 jections. The authority of heaven, however, and 
 the reason of the thing, cannot be overset, to ac- 
 commodate their perversity : for, says the Saviour — 
 and the converse of his affirmation is strongly im- 
 plied — " If any man will do the will of God, he 
 shall know of the doctrines whether it be of God, or 
 whether I speak of myself." 
 
 Such, we apprehend, is a specimen of the many 
 delusions which are current in the world, under the 
 name of Christianity; and there is ground to fear, 
 for the reasons formerly suggested, that they, or 
 others equally noxious, are more prevalent, and less 
 suspected, in our times, than in those of which our 
 fathers have told us. Nor do we know of a better 
 expedient for counteracting their influence, and 
 awakening the spirit of inward research, than by 
 bringing up, as it were, from the dead, and present- 
 ing to us anew, the practical writings of England's 
 Puritans, and Scotland's Covenanters. These men 
 lived in times which required the man of God to be 
 resolute and quick-sighted. Many of them had to 
 minister to a people " scattered and peeled" by the 
 sword of oppression, without any thing to sustain 
 them but the strength of Christian principle, or any 
 thing to account for the greatness of heart, which 
 they so generally displayed, but the divinity of their 
 religion working within them. In these circurn- 
 
XXXV11 
 
 stances, they occupied a position, which was not 
 more trying to them, than it was instructive to us. 
 They were obliged to examine their religion, that 
 the things for which they expended their efforts, and 
 surrendered their lives, might be well ascertained. 
 They were obliged to make proof of its spiritual re- 
 sources ; for on these alone they had to cast them- 
 selves, amidst calamities the most formidable to flesh 
 and blood. They had to grasp it in the hand of an 
 eager and nervous belief, lest the mighty agitations 
 of their times should wrest it away from them. 
 They were driven to the necessity of signalizing 
 themselves thus, at the hazard of making shipwreck 
 of principle and conscience. They gave way to that 
 necessity, and the result remains to be reaped by us. 
 In amassing the lore of didactic theology, they have 
 had their superiors; for theirs was not a time for 
 plodding retirement ; but in dissecting the workings 
 of the human heart — in laying open the arcana of 
 its sins or its pieties — in tracing its practical sophis- 
 tries, through their manifold labyrinths and illusions 
 — in correctly discriminating between the spirit of 
 Christianity, and the spirit of this world — in arous- 
 ing the dormant energies of the soul, by bringing 
 Christian motives with point upon the conscience — 
 in fearlessly meeting, and putting to shame, the pre- 
 valent enormities of their times — and in suffusing 
 the whole of their lucubrations with the warmth and 
 raciness of evangelical feeling, they stood high among 
 the highest. True enough, they were not perfect 
 men. Of necessity, they partook of the blemishes 
 of their times. Nor is it to be wondered at, that 
 
, XXXV111 
 
 some of them were chafed in spirit, and hurried into 
 extravagance, by the pressure of suffering which was 
 iniquitously heaped upon them. But still they were 
 men of renown ; and, if but a portion of their spirit 
 shall be resuscitated, as it is now beginning to be, 
 through the medium of their works, it will give to 
 us, under God, the very stimulus which we want ; it 
 will resist that rapid dilution of Christian piety, 
 which there is so much reason to apprehend ; it will 
 prove a powerful instrument for awakening solici- 
 tude, " and strengthening the things which are 
 ready to die." 
 
 Of all the productions, however, which belong to 
 these times, or come within their vicinage, we know 
 not of one which is so well fitted to produce the ef- 
 fects referred to, as the following Memoir. The 
 subject of it, it is true, cannot, in strictness, be called 
 a Covenanter; but he arose immediately after these 
 men ; he was cradled and educated amidst the jeo- 
 pardies which befel them ; their struggles and man- 
 ner of life were fresh in his recollections; and he 
 was ultimately inspired with a large portion of their 
 spirit. At the time when Christian truth made its 
 first impression on his conscience, convincing him of 
 his danger, and disturbing his unholy repose, it 
 found him, as it finds all, an enemy to its dictates, 
 and resolute to repel its inroads upon his heart. But 
 his was, in many respects, a singular case. The in- 
 fluence of a religious education had formed his child- 
 hood to the habits of outward decency; while the 
 pious vigilance of maternal love, conjoined with this 
 influence, and aided by the restraints of a sickly 
 
XXXIX 
 
 constitution, withheld his early manhood from the 
 circles of the dissolute and profane. But, in spite 
 of these advantages, he was emphatically " stout- 
 hearted, and far from righteousness," resisting con- 
 viction altogether, where he could resist it, and where 
 he could not, diminishing its force, or parrying it off, 
 by a plausible compromise between the claims of his 
 God and the idols of his heart. Scarcely is there a 
 position which was ever taken up by the enmity of 
 man against the mercy of his Maker, but was occu- 
 pied by him, and resolutely maintained, till it was 
 driven from under him ; and scarcely, we should 
 think, can a " refuge of lies" be entered by those 
 who come after him, but was previously entered by 
 him, and made his dwelling-place, till he found it to 
 be no shelter. In short, the history of his advance 
 toward Christianity, so long in its duration, so full 
 of incident, and so frequently obstructed by relapses, 
 with the repose which he tasted on his arrival at it, 
 and the growth of Christian character in his after 
 years, all opening upon us so biographically, so richly 
 interwoven with Scriptural reference, and coming in 
 so aptly on our past or present experience, is a trea- 
 sury of instruction, which ought by no means to be 
 shut up from the present generation of men. 
 
 Most devoutly is it to be wished, that the wan- 
 derers referred to in the foregoing pages, would take 
 it up, and bestow upon it a- candid perusal. It is 
 fitted to be profitable to men of all standings in the 
 church ; but it is peculiarly adapted to them. They 
 will see in it, in vivid delineation, the very thing 
 which is wanted, by the help of God, to disentangle 
 
xl 
 
 their souls, and thus to introduce them to solid com- 
 fort, and everduring peace. The minuteness of dis- 
 crimination which its author exemplified, and the 
 painfulness of effort with which he sought out the 
 treacheries of his own heart, may he formidable to 
 some readers, inducing them to suppose, that, if this 
 be Christianity, it is never to be theirs ; and these 
 things, it must be confessed, belong to the subject ; 
 for the remedy which heaven has prepared for man 
 must not be diluted, for the silly purpose of render- 
 ing it palatable. But, if man must be trained to 
 discriminate, with not a little nicety, in the sciences 
 and the business of this world, why should he hope 
 to be freed from it in religion? If he knows its 
 value, and will not act without it, in things which 
 are temporal, how can he think of setting it aside in 
 things which are spiritual? If the shadowy acquire- 
 ments of three score and ten years demand it of him, 
 and have the demand complied with, will he give a 
 denial to that which spreads itself out over all eter- 
 nity? Withal, the difficulties attendant on the re- 
 ligion of the heart, are most formidable to those who 
 are strangers to it, and who, of course, can only 
 judge of it in the recorded perplexities of other men. 
 By the man who is under the pressure of the sub- 
 ject, and feelingly alive to the interests it involves, 
 they are not mustered in imagination, but grappled 
 with in fact. He counts not on them, but on the 
 things which are beyond them; and, however impo- 
 tent and reluctant, he is strengthened, and carried 
 onwards, by the power of that Spirit " who search- 
 eth all things, yea, even the deep things of God." 
 
xli 
 
 It has been known, we believe, that the timid and 
 hesitating Christian has caught alarm from this vo- 
 lume, and been led, in the perusal of it, to pro- 
 nounce upon himself a severer sentence than his 
 short-comings required. It is every way likely, 
 however, that the cases are few in which such mis- 
 takes have done any permanent injury; and to guard 
 against them, it is only necessary to mark the differ- 
 ence between the infirmities, or imbecilities, which 
 are incident to one Christian, and the altitudes of 
 attainment which are arrived at by another. The 
 allowances made for this diversity, are more fre- 
 quently too great than too small. But the man 
 whose piety is languishing, because he is remiss in 
 fostering its growth, or suffers it to be broken in 
 upon by frequent immersion in secular pursuits, will 
 find, in the following pages, a most seasonable and 
 powerful caveat. If he look at all with an eye of 
 candour, in traversing the scene through which it 
 leads him, he cannot fail to be struck with the contrast 
 between what he is, and what he ought to be ; and 
 when this contrast stands out before him, as a minis- 
 tration of reproof, let him make use of it, also, as a 
 stimulant of exertion ; for there is nothing more de- 
 structive of Christian piety, or more fertile in dis- 
 comfort to the Christian himself, than a slow and 
 imperceptible encroachment on its sacredness by the 
 concerns of this world. " Be not conformed to this 
 world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of 
 your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and 
 acceptable, and perfect will of God." 
 
 D. Y. 
 
 Perth, May, 1824. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 Preface, by Isaac Watts, ... .49 
 
 A Short Account of the Rev. Thomas Halybirton, 57 
 
 PART I. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. — THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FROM 
 THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, TILL I WAS ABOUT TEN YEARS 
 OF AGE, ...... 85 
 
 
 PART II. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE RISE, PROGRESS, INTERRUPTIONS, 
 REVIVALS, AND ISSUES, OF THE LORd's STRIVINGS WITH 
 ME, DURING THE TEN OR ELEVEN ENSUING YEARS OF 
 MY LIFE, FROM MAY 168.5, TO AUGUST 1696, > 78 
 
 CHAP. I. An Account of the first rise of my Concern 
 about Religion, its Results, Revivals, and other occur- 
 rences relating thereto, for the first two years of this 
 time, ...... ib. 
 
 CHAP II. An Account of the Revival of Convictions, 
 their E Sects, Progress, Issues, and Interruptions, from 
 the close of 1687 to 1690, or 1601, when I went from 
 Perth to stay at Edinburgh, ... 86 
 
Xhv CONTENTS. 
 
 I'.ige 
 
 CHAP. III. An Account of the Increase of my Convic- 
 tions, during my stay at Edinburgh, from harvest 1690, 
 or 1691, till May 1693, and the vain Refuges to which I 
 took myself for relief, .... 94 
 
 CHAP. IV. An Account of the Progress of the Lord's 
 Work, the Straits I was reduced to, and the Courses I 
 took for relief, from May, 1693, when I left Edinburgh, 
 till I went to the family of Wemyss, August 1696, 101 
 
 PART III. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE LORd's WORK) FOR 
 THE SPACE OF ABOUT THREE YEARS ENSUING) FROM 
 AUGUST 1696, TO JUNE 1699 5 THE DREADFUL STRAIT TO 
 WHICH I WAS AT LAST BROUGHT, WITH MY DELIVER- 
 ANCE, AND THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FOR SOME 
 TIME AFTER THIS, ..... 127 
 
 CHAP. I. An Account of the Progress of my Convictions, 
 Temptations, and vain Reliefs, from the time I went to 
 the Wemyss, till I was at the last brought to this utmost 
 extremity, ...... ib. 
 
 CHAP. II. An Account of the Relief I got about the close 
 of January 1698, and the state of matters thereon, 149 
 
 CHAP. III. An Account of the Pleasure of my Case at 
 this time, the Mistakes I was still under, the sad Effects 
 of them, and the way of their Discovery, . . 1 72 
 
 CHAP. IV. An Account of my Strugglings with Indwell- 
 ing Sin, its Victories, the Causes of them on my part, 
 and God's Goodness with respect to this Trial, 184 
 
 CHAP. V. An Account of my Exercise about the Guilt of 
 Sin, the Means of obtaining Pardon, and the Intima- 
 tions thereof, , . . . .162 
 
CONTENTS. xlv 
 
 Hage 
 CHAP. VI. My Exercises about the Being of God, and 
 showing the way of my Relief from this Temptation, 211 
 
 CHAP. VII. An Account how I came to be satisfied that 
 the Scriptures are the Word of God, and how Tempta- 
 tions, in reference to them, were repelled, . 220 
 
 CHAP. VIII. A short Account of the Issue of some other 
 Tenir* itions with which I had been exercised, and the 
 Relief I obtained, with respect to them, from the Lord, 229 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS ORDINATION TO THE HOLY MINIS- 
 TRY, AND HIS CONDUCT THEREIN, . . "-43 
 
 CHAP. I. Of his being licensed to preach the Gospel, ib. 
 
 CHAP. II. On his entering on the Ministry at Ceres, 247 
 
 CHAP. III. Of his Management in the Work of the Mi- 
 nistry, ...... 260 
 
 CHAP. IV. His Judgment concerning several Cases, espe- 
 cially with respect to his own Exercise and Practice, 2o8 
 
 CHAP. V. Of his Marriage and conduct in his Family, 27o 
 
 CHAP. VI. Of his entering on the Profession of Divinity, 292 
 
 PART V. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF SOME OF HIS LAST WORDS, ON HIS DEATH- 
 BED, SEPTEMBER, 1712, • • • 297 
 
MEMOIRS 
 
 REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 Though the Gospel of Christ was abundantly con- 
 firmed in the first ages of Christianity, by testimo- 
 nies of every kind, yet I love to see daily and living 
 witnesses arise, and set their seal to the truth and 
 divinity of this Gospel. Every transcript of it in the 
 heart of a Christian is a new argument to confirm it. 
 " Blessed is he that believes, for he has the witness 
 in himself, that Jesus is the Son of God :" and bless- 
 ed is he that hath wisdom and courage in this un- 
 believing age, to make this inward testimony appear 
 and shine to the world. This is one reason why I 
 value the memoirs of holy men; and among those 
 which I have seen, I am not ashamed to recommend 
 this as one of the most valuable, and that on these 
 accounts, namely, 
 
 I. I found here the inward and experimental 
 work of Christianity described at large, by a wise, a 
 learned, and an ingenious man, who seems to have 
 been a strict observer of his own spirit, and of all 
 the secret motions of it, and the more secret springs. 
 Here you may see the crooked and perverse work- 
 ings of a carnal heart in a state of nature ; the subtle 
 twinings of the old serpent to keep the soul from 
 c 11 
 
 
50 
 
 God and his Christ; and all the counter-workings 
 of sovereign grace, which in the end appears victori- 
 ous ! You see here the self-flattery and piany de- 
 ceits, whereby sinners raise a good esteem of them- 
 selves, and build up their vain confidence, in oppo- 
 sition to the holiness of the law, and the grace of 
 the gospel; and here Christians may learn much of 
 the holy skill that is needful to maintain a constant 
 and glorious war with sin, by strength that is in 
 Christ, and they may read the triumph of a dying 
 conqueror. 
 
 Now, though every Christian hath some inward 
 sense of divine things, yet every one has not so rich 
 a variety of experiences; and among those that have, 
 few are so watchful as to take a due account of them; 
 few so wise as to judge aright concerning them; 
 and few so faithful and bold as to consign these 
 things to writing for the use of others. Men that 
 are fit to publish their observations of this kind gene- 
 rally imagine, that humility requires to bury them in 
 silence and darkness. But the author and subject 
 of this narrative was a man of great piety, bright 
 natural parts, studious learning, and uncommon 
 penetration and judgment, as sufficiently appears in 
 his other writings; yet there is such a vein of hu- 
 mility and honesty that runs through every page, 
 that you may see the secret workings of his thoughts, 
 through his holy language. His sins as well as his 
 graces, lie open to sight, the labours of his soul ap- 
 pear to the eye, and the pious reader will find him- 
 self at once delighted and improved. So the curious 
 operations of bees are seen through a hive of glass, 
 
51 
 
 and the spectator is at once entertained with instruc- 
 tion and pleasing wonder. 
 
 II. Another thing that gave me an esteem of this 
 work, was the account that is given of an evangeli- 
 
 ' CO 
 
 cal conversion, after the author had been long strug- 
 gling with sharp convictions of conscience, and la- 
 bouring under sharp agonies and terrors. He had 
 been fighting with guilt and corrupt nature to attain 
 holiness, pardon, and peace, by all the methods that 
 the reason of man would naturally suggest, and bv 
 the doctrines and duties of the gospel itself, used in 
 a more legal way and manner ; and found his labours 
 repeated and vain, and his work still to begin. Here 
 he describes at large the utter insufficiency of all con- 
 victions and awakening words and providences, all 
 tears and repentance, all religious duties of worship, 
 public and private, all vows and promises, covenants 
 and bonds with which he bound his soul to God; and 
 how sin prevailed and triumphed over them all when 
 they were practised only in a legal manner, as a mere 
 task of conscience, and without the delightful taste 
 of the grace of the gospel. All these left him still 
 under guilt, under the power of sin, and in the ut- 
 most confusion, near to despair, till it pleased God 
 to open his eyes to behold the mercy and comfort of 
 the gospel as the way to holiness and peace ; till 
 divine grace brought him as a dying sinner, empty 
 of all good, and helpless, to the full salvation that is 
 in Christ, and sweetly constrained him lo receive 
 peace and holiness together ; till he learned the way 
 of sanctification by faith and hope in a pardoning 
 Grvd, a God reconciling sinners to himself, through 
 c2 
 
52 
 
 Jesus the Redeemer. This overwhelmed his soul 
 at once with deep humility and repentance, with 
 wonder and holy joy, with hope and love, and con- 
 strained him to pleasant obedience. This renewed 
 his nature, this wrought in him all the powers and 
 principles of Christian holiness, and raised and sup- 
 ported them in a glorious degree. 
 
 Now, though I dare not confine the workings of 
 the blessed Spirit, who is infinitely free and various 
 in his operations, and he hath carried thousands to 
 salvation in a more legal way, and doth daily con- 
 form his divine workings in many souls to their 
 lower degrees of light and evangelical knowledge, 
 as well as to their natural tempers and their tempta- 
 tions ; yet it is my judgment that such a conversion 
 of sinners as this Author experienced, is always more 
 frequent where the Gospel obtains in its purest 
 light, and its divinest glory, and seems to be more 
 akin to the spirit of Christianity. 
 
 III. The last thing that I shall mention, that I 
 remark in this work, is the full confirmation that is 
 given to our holy religion, and to this noble method 
 of divine grace, not only in the most watchful and 
 holy life, but also in the most joyful and glorious 
 death of this good man. Death takes off every 
 possible disguise, and makes us think and speak sin- 
 cerely; and yet you see him still the same. Here 
 we find reason and learning giving their testimony 
 to the Gospel, and to the power of godliness, with a 
 living pen and with dying lips. 
 
 i hough this book may be of great use to all that 
 will read it with an humble and serious temper, yet 
 
53 
 
 the persons to whom I would chiefly recommend it, 
 are these, namely — 
 
 First, To my younger brethren in the ministry. 
 Perhaps they may learn from these papers, the way 
 of suiting their discourses, in public and in private, 
 with a more happy turn for the relief and salvation of 
 souls. I am persuaded, if we all consulted the work- 
 ings of the Spirit of God on the hearts of Christians, 
 and the various devices of corrupt nature, and the 
 wiles of Satan, as they appear in such memoirs as 
 these, we should learn better how to deal with the 
 consciences of men, in order to their sanctification 
 and comfort, and put the doctrines of the Gospel to 
 their proper use. We should all preach the abound- 
 ing grace of Christ, in order to lead sinners to de- 
 light in the law of God, and more effectually direct 
 and draw them to the practice of that " faith that 
 works by love." 
 
 Next, I would recommend it also to those persons, 
 that are awakened to a sense of their sin and danger, 
 and seeking the way of salvation, that they may not 
 run into mistaken methods, nor follow the false and 
 flattering dictates of a mere natural conscience, lest, 
 with their Bibles in their hands, and the Gospel on 
 their lips, they seek righteousness and peace "as it 
 were by the works of the law." Here they will 
 find, that hope is the surest and kindest spring of 
 holiness, and that there is no solid and lasting 
 peace but what is built on the clear discoveries 
 of forgiving grace; and that faith only can purify 
 the heart. 
 
 I would recommend it, in the third place, to poor 
 
54 
 
 melancholy souls, who walk watchfully and mourn- 
 fully before God in every duty, and labour in reli- 
 gion, and travel on in heaviness all their days. They 
 dare not indulge their hopes, nor scarce admit any 
 degrees of comfort, because their holiness is so im- 
 perfect. Let them learn, from this example, to try 
 whether they would not sooner arrive at great degrees 
 of sanctification, by going farther out of themselves 
 to fetch their comforts, and by letting their hope 
 live on the freest and richest promises of the cove- 
 nant of grace, wherein repentance and holiness are 
 promised, as well as pardon and happiness. Let 
 them try, whether an humble trust in Christ, as 
 their righteousness and their strength together, would 
 not fill them with powerful constraints of love, and 
 lead them to a sweet delight in every duty; and 
 thus that good word would be fulfilled unto them, 
 " The joy of the Lord shall be your strength." 
 
 I would commend it also to those Christians that 
 have begun to walk with God cheerfully in the ways 
 of his gospel-grace. Here they may be assured, that 
 all the glorious grace of the Gospel will by no means 
 excuse them from daily labour, and care, and watch- 
 fulness, from constant and earnest prayer, and uni- 
 versal diligence, in all the duties of godliness : for 
 if these be omitted, sin will prevail, and Satan gain 
 many advantages to bring them back to guilt and 
 bondage again. Sin prevailing will spread a tem- 
 porary darkness and death over all the vigour and 
 beauty of their religion ; but when they are fallen 
 iato such degrees of backsliding and decay, they 
 may learn here, that the only way of their recovery 
 
55 
 
 is by faith and hope in the Gospel ; by trusting, as 
 undone sinners, in an all-sufficient Saviour ; and their 
 only security all along the road to heaven, is by 
 joining diligence and dependence together. 
 
 May the blessed Spirit, who formed the soul of 
 this Author to the divine model of his Gospel, form 
 the heart of every reader by the same perfect rule, 
 and raise them to equal or to higher degrees of faith 
 and holiness, that they may be living witnesses and 
 honours to the name of Christ ; and let them join 
 with me to adore my God and Saviour, who, though 
 he hath secluded me from service in his house, by 
 long sickness, yet honours me to stand as a figure 
 on his high-way, to direct travellers in the road; 
 and while he restrains my tongue from its delightful 
 work, he is pleased to use me as a silent finger to 
 point to the footsteps of a faithful shepherd, and by 
 them to guide the flock in their way to heaven. 
 
 I. WATTS. 
 
 Theobalds in Hertfordshire, 
 May, 1, 1718. 
 
 } 
 

 ill? 
 
 THSOLOGH 
 
 SHORT ACCOUNT 
 
 REV. THOMAS HALYBURTON. 
 
 Mr. Thomas Halyburton, Professor of Divinity 
 in the New College at St. Andrews, was born in 
 Duplin, in the parish of Aberdalgy, December 25, 
 1674, of worthy and godly parents, Mr. George 
 Halyburton and Margaret Playfair. His father 
 was descended from the family of Pitcur, in the 
 county of Angus, and was minister of Aberdalgy, 
 in the presbytery of Perth, out of which he was 
 summarily ejected by the government, in the year 
 1662, as well as about three hundred other minis- 
 ters, without any legal process, simply for noncon- 
 formity to Prelacy. 
 
 Mr. George Halyburton, the Bishop of Dunkeld, 
 who had been a zealous covenanter, suddenly be- 
 came so forward for the national defection, and so 
 cruel a persecutor of his former fellow-presbyters, 
 that he would not spare him more than others, 
 though he was his near kinsman, but turned him out 
 of his charge. And yet that prelate was scarcely 
 well in the enjoyment of his benefice, when the 
 c3 
 
Lord smote him with sore sickness, of which he died, 
 and went to his place. 
 
 Our Author's father never repented his faithful- 
 ness in adhering to the covenanted work of reforma- 
 tion ; but rejoiced that he had been honoured to suf- 
 fer on that account : and when he fell asleep in the 
 Lord, in the year 1682, in the 55th year of his 
 age, he died in the faith of this, that God would 
 deliver this church from the sore persecution it was 
 then under. His mother was daughter to Mr. 
 Andrew Playfair, the first minister of Aberdalgy 
 parish after the reformation from Popery; to which 
 her husband succeeded, a little before the restora- 
 tion of Prelacy. She was allied to some of the best 
 families in the kingdom by the mother; but, what 
 was their far greater glory, both of them, from their 
 youth, were truly religious. His mother excelled 
 many of her sex for knowledge of the principles 
 of religion, and an uncommon memory of the Scrip- 
 tures : she would have repeated exactly many of the 
 choicest chapters of the Bible. They had a numer- 
 ous family, no fewer than eleven children, and very 
 sickly. All of them died young, except their eldest 
 daughter Janet; and their son, Thomas. But, to 
 sweeten these trials, they had peculiar comfort in 
 the death of their children ; some, even of the young- 
 est of them, gave singular evidences of their dying 
 in the Lord. 
 
 When his father died, he was happy to be under 
 the care of such a mother. The Episcopal perse- 
 cution for nonconformity daily increasing, she, with 
 her son-in-law and daughter, were forced for their 
 
59 
 
 safety to withdraw to Holland, and took him alone? 
 with them while he was very young. He quickly 
 learned the Dutch, and went to Erasmus' school to 
 learn the Latin. There they remained till August 
 1687, when they returned home, narrowly escaping 
 shipwreck. 
 
 At their return he went to school, and afterwards 
 to the university, where he made great proficiency, 
 beyond many of his equals. When he had finished 
 his course there, he entered as chaplain to a noble 
 family, where a person that had been his school- 
 follow, and had drunk in the principles of the Deists, 
 began to attack him on that subject, which obliged 
 him, in the beginning of his studies, carefully to 
 read that controversy; and what progress he made 
 in this will appear from his book against the Deists. 
 He could not attend lectures of divinity in any of 
 our colleges, while in that family; and though he had 
 read divinity only two years, the presbytery of Kirk- 
 aldy importuned him to enter on trials^nd he was 
 licensed by them to preach, June 22, 16f|9. 
 
 He was settled minister in Ceres parish, May 1, 
 1700. 
 
 In 1701, he was married to Janet Watson, a vir- 
 tuous and pious gentlewoman, daughter to Mr. David 
 Watson, an heritor in the parish of St. Andrews, a 
 zealous good man, and one that suffered much for 
 nonconformity. 
 
 Some few years after his settlement at Ceres, his 
 health broke, and his indisposition daily increased, 
 so that he was hardly able to go through his minis- 
 terial duties in that large parish. 
 
60 
 
 In April 1710, having received a patent from her 
 majesty, and an invitation from the presbytery, he 
 was transferred by the synod of Fife, to St. An- 
 drews, to be Professor of Divinity in the New 
 College. 
 
 In September 23, 1712, at seven in the morning, 
 he slept in Jesus ; " and him will the Lord bring 
 with him." 
 
 He was of low stature; his body but thin and 
 small ; his hair black, but his complexion pretty 
 clear and fair. 
 
 In April 1711, a dangerous sickness seized hirn, 
 which obliged the physicians, at several times, to 
 take from him about forty-four ounces of blood. He 
 recovered and went about again ; but his wasted 
 body never attained the little strength he had before 
 his sickness : shortly after, his arms and legs be- 
 came a little benumbed and insensible, and also 
 swelled, which at his death increased greatly. But 
 O how noble a spirit, how great a soul, dwelt in his 
 weak and frail body. — He was naturally of a plea- 
 sant and agreeable temper. He had an equal and 
 cheerful spirit, jvhich he retained under surprising 
 vicissitudes. This evenness of temper appeared 
 much in his frequent and dangerous sickness. He 
 had a calm, peaceable, healing disposition, and yet 
 bold as a Hon in his Master's cause. He had a pe- 
 culiar talent for reconciling differences. How afflict- 
 ing the prospect of divisions was to him, the following 
 pages will testify : and had some others been blessed 
 with more of this spirit, his and our fears would have 
 been utterly disappointed. He was master of a 
 
61 
 
 considerable share of prudence : he studied to walk in 
 wisdom towards them that are without, as well as them 
 that are within, and to become all things to all men. 
 He was dexterous in observing the tempers of men, 
 and in addressing and managing them. How wisely 
 he carried himself in church-judicatories, of which he 
 was a member, others can witness. He abhorred 
 that unedifying conversation, so common with many, 
 that is spent in frequent and unseasonable jesting 
 and drollery, though he was abundantly facetious in 
 company, when and where he saw it expedient ; and 
 in this way he sometimes dropped what tended to 
 edify. Those who conversed with him most will 
 own, they seldom enjoyed his company without de- 
 riving some profit. He was often uneasy after much . 
 converse with others, if he was not edified himself, 
 or thought he did not edify others. How circum- 
 spect and tender was the strain of his walk in this ! 
 He often regretted the difficulty there was to retain 
 integrity in most companies in this degenerate age : 
 he reckoned such company a great hardship ; and he 
 was loath to allow any thing offensive in conversation 
 to go without a check. 
 
 The following Memoirs will witness how he 
 walked with God in his family and closet. But 
 some things 1 cannot pass here. It was his cus- 
 tom, except he had been necessarily hindered, to 
 come from his closet to family worship, especially if 
 the Lord had given him enlargement of heart ; and 
 if his spirit was in a due frame, he would then have 
 been very uneasy, if any interruption occurred be- 
 tween closet and family duties. He also commonly 
 
62 
 
 expounded the word of God, at least once a-day, 
 in his family. The night before family, or national 
 fasts, which he kept, he always directed his ser- 
 vants how to manage that work; and on the fast- 
 days themselves, discourses to them about their 
 souls' condition and concerns. He was an affection- 
 ate and dutiful husband, a conscientious and kind 
 parent, a faithful and easy master. Such as knew 
 him, will acknowledge he had a clear head, a very 
 ready invention, and an uncommon memory. He read 
 little after his health broke, and often acknowledged 
 his greatest improvement was more by thinking than 
 reading. He had a very ready way of expressing 
 his thoughts; he was far from having a vain airy 
 affectation of language in preaching, (a prevailing 
 evil in this time;) he had studied an even, neat, and 
 Scriptural style ; and this became natural ; though 
 some thought, in the end, his deep thinking made 
 it a little more abstruse than formerly to a popular 
 audience. He had choice pulpit gifts ; he was an 
 accurate and pathetic preacher, very textual, close 
 in handling any truth he discoursed on, and, in the 
 application, he was home, warm, and searching ; and 
 in this he usually showed himself a skilful casuist. 
 He often complained, that some worthy men were 
 too general and bare in the application of their doc- 
 trines. He generally wrote his sermons very ex- 
 actly, when health and business would allow. He 
 used to say, " A lazy minister in his younger years 
 would make a poor old man." It were to be wished, 
 that this example were more followed than it is. 
 He often ventured to preach, even at sacraments, 
 
63 
 
 under great indisposition, when he was not able to 
 write so much as the heads of his sermon; and he 
 has been singularly assisted, to the conviction of all 
 that heard him. In his last two years he wrote lit- 
 tle, his health was so low. His experience of the 
 power of godliness, with his other mentioned gifts, 
 made him very skilful to deal with wounded spirits, 
 according to the variety of their cases ; and this con- 
 versation he owned was extremely useful to himself. 
 Few ministers have taken a more cautious and con- 
 firming way of dealing with people, than he did be- 
 fore he admitted them to the sacrament; and, while 
 in health, he was diligent in the other parts of his 
 ministerial work. He was no less singularly fitted 
 for the schools; he spoke elegant Latin with flu- 
 ency, though he had been in the disuse of it. He 
 was very expert in the Greek ; but his sickness hin- 
 dered his design to accomplish himself in the rest of 
 the oriental languages. In controversies, especially 
 those of the time, he excelled many. It was strange 
 to see how quickly he would have taken up the state 
 of a controversy, the strength of an adversary, seen 
 through their deceitful sophistry and pretences, and 
 how close and nervous his reasoning usually was. 
 
 On the whole, what a loss, especially in that junc- 
 ture, may we justly reckon the death of this great 
 man to the poor wrestling church of Scotland, to the 
 place he lived in, and to his family ! Alas ! what 
 shall we say ? What great concern of heart may it 
 cause, when such a green olive-tree, fair and of 
 goodly fruit, is cut down; when such bright stars 
 set, yea, even constellations of them in our day? 
 
64 
 
 May we not justly fear, when such wrestlers with 
 God are taken away, as he on his death-bed com- 
 ments on such damping providences, that " the con- 
 sumption decreed shall overflow in righteousness ?" 
 
MEMOIRS 
 
 REV. THOMAS HALYBURTGN 
 
 PART I. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. THE STATE OF MATTERS WITH 
 
 ME FROM THE TIME OF MY BIRTH, TILL I WAS 
 ABOUT TEN YEARS OF AGE. 
 
 The common occurrences of the life of one in all 
 respects so inconsiderable, are not worth recording; 
 and, if recorded, could be of little use either to my- 
 self or others. Therefore it is not my design to 
 waste time or paper with these. But if I can re- 
 count the Lord's gracious conduct towards me, the 
 state of matters before and under the Lord's special 
 dealings with me, in a way of conviction, illumina- 
 tion, conversion, consolation, and edification, and 
 present them so as to discover, not only the parts of 
 this work, the several advances it made, the oppo- 
 sition made to it, its victory over the opposition of 
 my own heart, Satan, and the world, but also to 
 present the work in its order and issue, it may be of 
 
66 
 
 great use to my own establishment; and if ever it 
 should fall into the hands of any other Christian, it 
 might not be useless, considering, that the work 
 of the Lord in all is, as to the substance, the same 
 and uniform : and " as face answers to face," in a 
 glass, so does one Christian's experience answer 
 another's, and both to the word. 
 
 This being the design of this narrative, to give 
 some account of the Lord's work with me, and my 
 way with him, so far as I remember it from my 
 birth to this day, I shall proceed to it. 
 
 I came into this world, not only under the guilt 
 of that offence, whereby many, nay, " all were made 
 sinners," and on account of which " judgment pass- 
 ed upon all men to condemnation ;" but, moreover, 
 I brought with me a nature wholly corrupted, a 
 heart " wholly set in me to do evil." Of this the 
 testimony of God in his word satisfies me. And 
 in this I am strongly confirmed by undoubted expe- 
 rience, which fully convinces me, that from the morn- 
 ing of my days, while under the advantage of gospel 
 light, the inspection of godly parents, and not yet 
 corrupted by custom, the imaginations of my heart, 
 and the tenor of my life, were " evil, only evil, and 
 that continually." 
 
 It cannot be expected, that, at so great a distance, 
 I should remember the particulars of the first three 
 or four years of my life : yet I may on the justest 
 grounds presume, that they were filled up with those 
 sins that cleave to children in their infancy. Many 
 of which are not only evil, as they flow from a poi- 
 
67 
 
 soned root ; " for a corrupt tree will bring forth cor- 
 rupt fruit ;" but do also bear the impress of, and an 
 evident congruity to their corrupt source, and taste 
 strong of that root of bitterness whereon they grow. 
 While we are yet on the breasts, inbred corruption 
 breaks forth ; and before we give any tolerable evi- 
 dence that we are rational, we give full evidence that 
 we are corrupted. We show that we are inclined to 
 evil, by pressing with impatience and eagerness for 
 what is hurtful; and our aversion to good, by re- 
 fusing with the greatest obstinacy what is fit, pro- 
 per, and useful to us. At first we are only em- 
 ployed about sensible things; and about them we 
 give the first evidences that our natures are corrupt. 
 And with the first appearances of reason, the cor- 
 ruption of our spirit discovers itself. How early do 
 our actions discover passion, pride, revenge, dissimu- 
 lation, and sensuality, to be inlaid, as it were, in 
 our very constitution ! Any ordinary observer may 
 discern instances innumerable of this sort, very early 
 in children. With these, and the like evils, no 
 doubt, were the first years of my life, of which I 
 remember little, filled up : " Folly is bound up in 
 the heart of a child" — " and we go aside as soon as 
 born, speaking lies." 
 
 In this first period of my life, I had advantages 
 above most. My parents were eminently religious. 
 I was, for the most part, trained up under their eye 
 and inspection. I continually heard the sound of 
 divine truths ringing in my ears, in their instructions; 
 and I had the beauty of the practice of religion con- 
 tinually presented to mine eyes in their walk. I 
 
68 
 
 was by their care kept from ill company that might 
 infect me. By these means, 1 was restrained from 
 those grosser outbreaking that children often run 
 into, and habituated to a form of religion, and put 
 upon the performance of such outward duties of re- 
 ligion as my years were capable of. Hence it ap- 
 pears, and I now am fully convinced, that the sin I 
 indulged in during this tract of time, is not to be im- 
 puted, either as to inclination or actings, merely to 
 contracted custom, or occasional temptations ; but it 
 really was the genuine fruit and result of that la- 
 mentable bias with which a man, since the fall, is 
 born. Sure the spring must be within, when, not- 
 withstanding all the care taken to keep me from 
 them, I impetuously went on in sinful courses. 
 The Holy Ghost hedged up my way by precepts, 
 example, and discipline; but I broke through all. 
 Surely the springs must be within; and they must 
 be very strong that were able to bear down such 
 powerful fences as were set in its way, by the provi- 
 dence of God, and run with so full a stream, not- 
 withstanding all outward occasions of its increase 
 were, as much as might be, cut off. In this I have 
 a full evidence of a heart naturally estranged from, 
 nay opposite to the Lord : and besides, this deeply 
 aggravates my guilt : " And they have turned unto 
 me the back, and not the face; though I taught 
 them, rising up early, and teaching them, yet they 
 have not hearkened to receive instruction." 
 
 The care of my father during his life, which 
 ended October 1682, and of my mother after his 
 death, though very great, did not change, but only 
 
()9 
 
 hide nature, which is indeed often hid, sometimes 
 overcome, but seldom extinguished. Although I 
 cannot remember all the particulars from the fourth 
 or fifth year of my life, yet so far do I remember 
 what the general bent of my heart was from that 
 time. Upon a review, I must confess that it was 
 wholly set against the Lord : " The carnal mind is 
 enmity against God, and is not subject to the law of 
 God, nor can it indeed be." 
 
 To confirm this, when I now survey the decalogue, 
 and, notwithstanding the great distance, review this 
 portion of my time, I do distinctly remember, and, 
 were it to edification, could condescend upon particu- 
 lar instances of the opposition of my heart to each of 
 its precepts. Whatever influence education may 
 have in moulding what is seen, yet surely " the 
 imaginations of man's heart are evil from his youth 
 up." 
 
 True it is, through the influence of the means be- 
 fore mentioned, I did all this while abominate the 
 more gross breaches of all the commands, and dis- 
 like open sin. But meanwhile my heart was set 
 upon the less discernible violations of God's holy 
 law. My quarrel was not with sin, but the conse- 
 quences of it ; and the main thing I regarded was 
 the world's opinion of it. Fear of punishment, 
 pride that fears to be ill-thought of, or, at best a 
 natural conscience, enlightened by education, were 
 the only springs of my performances of duty, or ab- 
 stinence from sin. Prone I was all this while to 
 sin, even of all sorts to which that age has a ten- 
 dency, in secret, when I could say, that " no eye 
 
70 
 
 shall see me." They who for credit, or such other 
 inducements, may seem averse to sin, yet will make 
 bold in the dark with the worst sins : " Son of man, 
 hast thou seen what the ancients of the house of 
 Israel do in the dark, every man in the chambers of 
 his imagery? For they say, the Lord seeth us not; 
 the Lord hath forsaken the earth." 
 
 Even those things which in my way seemed good 
 and promising, such as a detestation of gross sins, 
 performance of duties, &c. were either purely the 
 effects of the force of custom, a bribe to a natural 
 conscience to hold its peace, a sacrifice to self, a slav- 
 ish performance of what I took no delight in, to 
 avoid the whip, or sometimes a charm to keep me 
 from danger, which I thought would befal me, and 
 dreaded much if I neglected prayer. Thus my best 
 things dreadfully increased my guilt, being, like the 
 apples of Sodom, fair to look at, promising while un- 
 tried, but within, full of ashes and noisome matter. 
 " When ye fasted and mourned in the fifth and 
 seventh months, even these seventy years, did ye 
 at all fast unto me? And when ye did eat, and 
 when ye did drink, did ye not eat for yourselves ?" 
 " Bring no more vain oblations ; incense is an abo- 
 mination to me ; the new-moons and Sabbaths, the 
 calling of assemblies, I cannot away with ; it is ini- 
 quity, even the solemn meeting." 
 
 Thus the spring of corruption, restrained on the 
 one side, I mean as to open profanity, by the 
 mounds of education, breaks out on the other side 
 in a form of religion, without, nay, plainly opposite 
 to the power of it, which is no less hateful to the 
 
71 
 
 holy God. " The prayer of the wicked is sin ; his 
 sacrifice is an abomination." Sin, in the one case, 
 has a little varnish, that somewhat hides its deform- 
 ity from the eyes of men ; in the other, it is seen in 
 its native hue and colours. In the one case, it runs 
 under ground; in the other, it openly follows its 
 course. " Some men's sins are open before-hand, 
 going before them into judgment, and others follow 
 after." Whether the one or the other, the odds 
 is not great: ff The tree is known by its fruit." 
 " A corrupt tree cannot bring forth good fruit." 
 Sometimes it may bring forth good-like fruit. 
 
 But yet, after all, I must confess that such was 
 the strength of corruption, that it drove me to several 
 of the more plain and gross sins incident to this age: 
 which, though some account pardonable follies in 
 children, yet the Lord makes another reckoning of 
 them ; and some of them have been made bitter to 
 me; such as, lying to avoid punishment, Sabbath- 
 breaking, revenge, hatred of my reprovers, and others 
 of a like nature. Some particular sins committed 
 in childhood, which I had quite forgotten, as being 
 attended with no notable circumstances that could 
 make them be remembered, rather than any thing 
 else I can remember, were brought fresh to my me- 
 mory, when the Lord began closely to convince me, 
 and being presented in their native colours, in the 
 light of the Lord, and in all the circumstances of 
 time, place, partners in sin, &c. and were made the 
 matter of my deep humiliation, loathing and self-ab- 
 horrence, as not only full of wickedness in them- 
 selves, but pregnant evidences of the deepest natu- 
 
72 
 
 ral depravity. This made me see to whom it was 
 owing, that I went not to all the heights in wicked- 
 ness, and the grossest abominations to which ever any 
 were carried; and to which a haughty heart, if not re- 
 strained seasonably, partly by secret power, and partly 
 by outward means, would inevitably have carried me : 
 " Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, deeplv 
 rooted, and fastened there*" And no thanks to the 
 best, that they are kept from the worst things : " And 
 David said to Abigail, Blessed be the Lord God of 
 Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me : and 
 blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which 
 hast kept me this dav from coming to shed blood, 
 and from avenging myself with my own hand. For 
 in very deed, as the Lord God of Israel liveth, which 
 hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou 
 hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had 
 not been left unto Nabal, by the morning light, any 
 that pisseth against the wall." What a monster had I 
 been, if left to myself, and not seasonably restrained 
 by outward means, and inward power. Blessed be 
 the invisible hand, and the outward instruments of 
 this restraint, that kept me back from sinning. 
 
 These are but a very few of the innumerable evils 
 that cleaved to me in this sinful period of my life : 
 " For who can understand his errors ?" This pe- 
 riod was altogether sinful and vain, nay, sin and va- 
 nity in the abstract. " Childhood is vanity." And 
 all this is deeply aggravated by my stupid unconcern 
 about them all the while. Notwithstanding of them 
 oil, " I was clean in mine own eyes, though not 
 washed from my pollutions," in the mire whereof 
 
73 
 
 I had long wallowed. I was whole as to my own 
 sense, though the plague sore run upon me. " While 
 I thought I stood in need of nothing, I was poor, 
 miserable, wretched, blind, and naked." " How 
 canst thou say, I am not polluted, I have not gone 
 after Baalim? See thy way in the valley, know 
 what thou hast done, &c. I have not found it by 
 secret search, but upon all these. Yet thou sayest, 
 Because I am innocent, surely his anger shall turn 
 from me. Behold, I will plead with thee, because 
 thou sayest, I have not sinned." 
 
 Reflections on this First Period. 
 
 When I consider, how many sins long since done 
 and forgotten, many of them of an older date than 
 any thing else I remember, and in their commission 
 attended with no such remarkable circumstances as 
 can rationally be supposed to have made any deep 
 impression on the memory, and so have any influence 
 in recalling them, after so long oblivion, were now 
 by the Lord brought to mind with unusual distinct- 
 ness, I cannot but herein observe, 1. What exact 
 notice the holy God takes, and how deeply he re- 
 sents those things which men generally will scarce 
 allow to be faults, or at most but small ones, pardon- 
 able follies rather than sins. God early observed, 
 that man's imaginations are evil from his youth, and 
 will have us remember, and be humbled for the sins 
 that have cleaved to us from our youth : " This 
 hath been thy manner from thy youth, that thou 
 obeyedst not my voice," is an aggravation of other 
 D 11 
 
74 
 
 sins he charges on his people, and in itself one 
 heavy article. 2. How much reason is there lor 
 reckoning it as one great part of the wicked's misery, 
 that " they lie down in their graves, with hones full 
 of the sins of youth?" How much reason is there 
 for David's prayer, that God may not tS remember 
 against him the sins of his youth ?" How just rea- 
 son have we oft, with Job, to suspect, that in the 
 strokes that fall on us in riper years, God is visiting 
 us for the iniquities of our youth ? How much rea- 
 son have we, with holy Augustin, to confess and 
 mourn over the sins of childhood, and trace original 
 corruption, in its first outbreaking;;, even up to in- 
 fancy ? 3.1 here observe what an exact register 
 conscience, God's deputy,, keeps; .how early it begins 
 to mark; how accurate it is, even when it seems to 
 take no notice : and to what a length it will go in 
 justifying God's severity against sinners at the last 
 day ; how distinctly and clearly it will read it out, 
 and how far up it will fetch its accounts of those evils 
 which we mind nothing of, when God shall open its 
 eyes to read what is written, and discern those prints 
 which, as Job says, " God sets upon the heels of our 
 feet," and gives it a commission to tell us of them, 
 when the " books shall be opened, and the dead, 
 small and great, shall be judged out of them." 
 
 When I review this first period of my life, what 
 reason do I see to be ashamed, and even con- 
 founded, to think that I have spent ten years of a 
 •short life, without almost a rational thought, and 
 undoubtedly any that was not sinful : " After that 
 I was instructed, I smote upon my thigh ; I was 
 
75 
 
 ashamed, yea, even confounded, because I did bear 
 the reproach of my youth." 
 
 The whole of what I have set down before, being 
 matter of undoubted experience, of which I caft no 
 more doubt than of what I now see and feel, I have 
 herein a strong confirmation of my faith, as to the 
 guilt of Adam's sin, its imputation to his posterity, 
 and of my concern therein in particular. For, 1. 
 The bant of my soul, from a child, was set against 
 the Lord : nor was this the effect of custom and edu- 
 cation ; for there was a sweet conspiracy of precept, 
 discipline, and example, in those with whom I con- 
 verged, during this part of my life, to carry me ano- 
 ther way. Nor call I charge the fault of this on my 
 constitution of body, or any such thing, as might 
 be alleged to proceed from my parents in a natural 
 way. For those lusts which are " of the mind," 
 and are not influenced by any constitution of body, 
 were as strong, sensible, active, and prevalent, as 
 any other, nay, more than those which may be pre- 
 tended to depend on the frame of the body. And 
 as my soul, in its accursed inclinations, was thus op- 
 posite to the Lord, so as the opposition was of that 
 strength and force, as was not to be suppressed, 
 much less to be overcome and subdued, by the ut- 
 most care of parents, and the best outward means. 
 This is undoubted fact. 2. I cannot at all conceive 
 it consistent with the wisdom, goodness, or equity of 
 God, to send me thus into the world, without any 
 fault on my part. To say 1 was thus originally 
 framed without respect to any sin chargeable on 
 d 2 
 
76 
 
 me, is a position so entirely contrary to all the no- 
 tions I can entertain of the Deity, that I cannot 
 think of it without horror, much less can I believe 
 and give assent to it. 3. Penal, then, this corrup- 
 tion must be, as death and diseases are. And of 
 what can it be a punishment, if not of Adam's sin ? 
 While those things are so plain in fact, and the de- 
 duction from them so easy, whatever subtle argu- 
 ments any may use to overthrow this truth, I have 
 no reason to be much shaken or moved with them, 
 or call the truth in question. If once I am sure, 
 that God hath done a thing, there is no room left 
 for disputing its equity. I am sure, I was corrupt 
 from my infancy. I am sure, God could not have 
 made me so without cause, or sent me into the work! 
 in such a case, if it had not been for some fauh 
 wherein I am concerned. If there is any attempt 
 to charge God on this account, I look upon it as 
 highly injurious. There is nothing left for me in 
 this case, but humbly to endeavour to clear God of 
 any seeming hardship. If we cannot easily do this, 
 then I will much rather acknowledge my ignorance, 
 and stoop under his incomprehensibility, than lay 
 any charge of injustice against him. This has up- 
 held mv soul against the most subtle arwuings of 
 
 JO OCT 
 
 men of perverse minds, and even of Satan, who hath 
 oft assaulted me in this matter. Be their argu- 
 ments what the) - will, " Behold, in this they are not 
 just: I will answer thee, that God is greater than 
 man. Why dost thou strive against him ? For 
 he <riveth not account of his matters. That he mav 
 
77 
 
 withdraw man from this, (among other evil purposes, 
 of measuring God by his short line,) and hide pride 
 from his eye." 
 
 Hence, also, I am taught what estimate to make 
 of the pretendedly good and virtuous inclinations 
 with which some are, by Deists and Pelagians, al- 
 leged to be born. If it be not in those few and rare 
 instances of the early efficacy of sanctifying grace, 
 all that which is looked on as good is really no more 
 but the fruit of education, custom, occasional re- 
 straints, freedom from temptation, or perhaps a 
 natural temper, influenced by some of those, and 
 by the constitution of the body, to somewhat of 
 opposition to those grosser actings of sin, which 
 make the most noise in the world. In a word, what- 
 ever there is of this, except in the rare instances 
 before mentioned, is but sin under a disguise. The 
 difference is not great. The one sort of sinners 
 seem to promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas 
 the openly profane give a plain refusal, and forbid 
 expectations. And yet of this last sort more receive 
 the gospel than of the former: " But what think 
 ye ? A certain man had two sons ; and he came 
 to the first, and said, Son, go work to-day in my 
 vineyard. He answered and said, I will not : but 
 afterward he repented, and went. And he came to 
 the second, and said likewise. And he answered 
 and said, I go, Sir; and went not. Whether of 
 them twain did the will of his father ? They say 
 unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily 
 I say unto you, that the publicans and the harlots go 
 into the kingdom of God before you." 
 
• IJA 
 PART II. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE RISE, PROGRESS, INTERRUP- 
 
 [, 
 
 tions, revivals, and issues, of the lords 
 strivings with me, during the ten or ele- 
 ven ensuing years of my life, from may, 
 1685, to august, 1696. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 An Account of the first rise of my Concern about 
 Religion, its Results, Revivals, and other occur- 
 rences relating thereto, for the first two years of 
 
 this time. 
 
 I 
 
 In the month of May 1685, my mother being bv 
 the heat of the persecution, obliged to retire to 
 Holland, 1 went alonq- with her. While we were 
 at sea, being in some real or apprehended danger, 
 my conscience, which had for all the bv-past ten 
 years, so far as I can now remember, been fast asleep, 
 began to awaken. I was convinced of sin, terri- 
 fled with the apprehensions of hell and death, and 
 the wrath of (rod, which, before 1 was brought to 
 this distress, I had no thought about : " They have 
 turned their back unto me, and not their face ; but 
 in the time of their trouble they shall say, Arise, 
 and save us." 
 
79 
 
 All this concern was nothing more than a sad 
 mixture of natural fear, and a selfish desire of pre- 
 servation from the danger that was, at least bv 
 me, supposed imminent. Peace, acceptance, com- 
 munion with God, came not much into my thoughts. 
 I was afraid and unwilling to die. I would gladly 
 have been out of danger of hell. This was all my 
 exercise at this time. It was not sin, but death its 
 consequence, I was concerned to be rid of: " Then 
 Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste, and 
 said, I have sinned against the Lord your God. 
 Now, therefore, I pray thee, forgive my sin only 
 this once, and entreat the Lord your God, that he 
 may take away from me this death only." 
 
 As this exercise was wholly selfish, without any 
 concern for the Lord's glory, so it led me to selfish 
 courses for relief. I promised, that, were I at land, 
 I would live and be better than formerly : I engaged 
 to keep all God's commands. My mother told me, 
 I was in a mistake, and would not hold there. But 
 of this, there was no persuading one so ignorant of 
 his own heart, as I at this time was. I multiplied 
 engagements, and doubted not myself as to the per- 
 formance : " And the people answered, God forbid 
 that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other 
 gods. And Joshua said unto the people, Ye can- 
 not serve the Lord ; for he is an holy God. And 
 the people said unto Joshua, Nay, but we will serve 
 the Lord." 
 
 No sooner was I come to land, and fixed at Rot- 
 terdam, than I verified what had been foretold. I 
 forgot all my promises and resolutions. The un- 
 
80 
 
 renewed and corrupt heart being free from the re- 
 straint put upon it by the natural conscience, undej 
 appearance of hazard, took its old course. I re- 
 turned to former evils, and grew worse. Corrup- 
 tion, that had been confined for a little, having 
 easily forced down all these mounds raised to hold 
 it in, run with the greater violence. It is true, 
 through the mercy of God, I was still restrained 
 from open scandalous sins ; towards which the awe of 
 my godly and prudent mother, and the principles of 
 education contributed not a little. But as to secret 
 evils of all sorts, I had no aversion to them ; nay, to 
 many of them I was strongly inclined, and in many 
 instances followed my own inclinations. I was a 
 ready and easy prey to every temptation, notwith- 
 standing all my engagements : " And thou saidest, 
 I will not transgress, when upon every high hill, 
 and under every green tree, thou wanderest, play- 
 ing the harlot." 
 
 My sins, in this place, had this grievous aggra- 
 vation, that they were against greater light, and 
 more of the means of grace, than I had formerly 
 enjoyed. On the Lord's day, we had three ser- 
 mons and two lectures in the Scots church ; on 
 Thursday, a sermon there likewise. On Tuesday, 
 one of the suffering ministers by turns preached. 
 There was a meeting for prayer on Wednesday. On 
 Monday and Friday nights, Mr. James Kirkton 
 commonly lectured in his family. On Saturday, he 
 catechised the children of the Scots sufferers who 
 came to him. My mother took care to make me 
 attend most of these occasions; was careful to keep 
 

 81 
 
 me to duty, was not wanting in advice, correction, 
 prayer with and for me ; she obliged me to read the 
 Scriptures and other edifying books. But so far 
 were all these from having a due effect on me, 
 that I was weary of them, and went on in sin : 
 " What could have been done more (namely, in 
 point of outward means) to my vineyard, that I have 
 not done? Wherefore, when I looked that it 
 should have brought forth grapes, brought it forth 
 wild grapes ? Ye said also, (namely, of the Lord's 
 service.) What a weariness is in it ! And ye have 
 snuffed at it, saith the Lord of hosts. And ye 
 brought that which was torn, and the lame and the 
 sick; thus ye have brought an offering. Should I 
 accept this of your hand, saith the Lord ?" 
 
 At this time, I wanted not frequent convictions, 
 occasioned sometimes by the preaching of the word, 
 and at other seasons by the light of my education, 
 which still adhered to me, and was a check upon me. 
 But all these were only like the starts of a sleeping 
 man, occasioned by some sudden noise : up he gets, 
 but presently he is down, and faster asleep than be- 
 fore. I found means to get rid of these convictions. 
 1. I would, when they were uneasy, promise them 
 a hearing afterwards : " And as Paul reasoned of 
 righteousness, temperance, and judgment to come, 
 Felix trembled, and answered, Go thy way, and 
 when I have a convenient season, I will call for 
 thee." 2. At other seasons, I looked to the ten- 
 dency of them, that they aimed at engaging me to 
 be holy, and then I pored upon the difficulties of 
 that course, till I not only got the edge of my con- 
 d3 
 
82 
 
 victions blunted, but frightened myself from a com- 
 pliance : " The sluggard saith. There is a lion in 
 the way, and I shall be slain in the streets." 3. 
 When convictions were lighter, I got rid of them 
 by withdrawing from the means : " If a man be a 
 hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto 
 a man beholding his natural face in a glass : for he 
 beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straight- 
 way forgetteth what manner of man he was." 4. 
 Sometimes I promised them fair, and so put them 
 off at that time, but minded it not afterward : " And 
 he said to the second likewise, and he answered, I 
 go, Sir, and went not." 5. Sometimes they issued 
 in fruitless, inactive, and slothful wishes : " The 
 soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing. 
 The desire of the slothful killeth him ; for his hands 
 refuse to labour." 6. At other times, when they 
 were troublesome, I turned mine eye to something 
 which I thought good in my conduct, though, the 
 Lord knows, little was there that had so much as 
 any tolerable appearance of good. Yet so foolish 
 was I, that I rested here, as if this had not been 
 only enough to atone for the past, but to procure 
 good at God's hand: " Two men went up into the 
 temple to pray, the one a Pharisee, the other a Pub- 
 lican. The Pharisee stood and prayed with himself, 
 God, I thank thee, that I am not as other men, 
 extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this Pub- 
 lican," &c. 7. Sometimes I endeavoured to di- 
 minish my sin as much as I could: " In all my la- 
 bours, they shall find no iniquity in me that were 
 sin." 8 When these shifts failed, and they were 
 
83 
 
 still uneasy, I then betook myself to diversions, and 
 they choked the word and convictions arising from 
 it : " And that which fell among the thorns are they, 
 which, when they have heard, go forth, and are 
 choked with cares, and riches, and pleasures of this 
 life, and bring no fruit to perfection." 
 
 About this time, I met with some things that 
 crossed me. Upon which I turned thoughtful, how 
 to rid myself of these difficulties. I seemed more 
 than ordinarily concerned, and my spirit was much 
 troubled ; yet really this strait led me not to God. 
 But my thoughts were spent in resentments against 
 the real or supposed authors of my uneasiness, in 
 proud, selfish, and vain contrivances, for mine own 
 ease and relief: " The wicked, through the pride of 
 his countenance, will not seek after God : God is 
 not in all his thoughts. — They cry out by reason of 
 the arm of the mighty; but none saith, Where is 
 God my Maker, who giveth songs in the night ? — 
 And thou didst look in that day, to the armour of 
 the house of the forest, &c. But ye have not 
 looked unto the Maker thereof, neither had respect 
 to him that fashioned it long ago." 
 
 About the month of December 1686, at the earnest 
 desire of my father's sister, who was married to John 
 Glass, provost of Perth, I was sent home. While 
 I staid in his family, I saw nothing of religion, 
 though my aunt was a very moral woman. Here I 
 was much indulged. I got liberty, and I took it. 
 I saw little of the worship of God, and I easily com- 
 plied and turned remiss too. What further ad- 
 vances toward an open rejection of the very form of 
 
84 
 
 religion I made in this place, I do not now, at this 
 distance, distinctly remember ; but no doubt they 
 were great. This I do remember, that I found my 
 aversion to these sins, which, through the influence 
 of education, I abominated before, sensibly weak- 
 ened. Yea, I found some secret hankering after 
 some of them, a delight in those who were guilty, 
 and a sort of approbation of them in my heart. Yet 
 still I was, in a great measure, restrained from an 
 avowed practical compliance, by the awful impres- 
 sions early instruction had left on my mind, which 
 were not as yet wholly worn off; though they were 
 far decayed, considering the shortness of my stay, 
 by which I may easily discern what had become of 
 them, if I had staid longer there. Further, I re- 
 member, that at that time, I had a great aversion 
 to learning, which was the only good thing that in 
 this place was urged on me. I looked on it as a 
 burden and drudgery, to which the basest employ- 
 ments were to be preferred, and hence I in no way 
 set my heart to it ; but trifled away my time. And 
 many a sinful shift did I betake myself to, that I 
 might get the time shuffled over : " Thus I hated 
 instruction, and cast God's word behind my back. 
 When thou sawest a thief, thou consentedst with 
 him, and hast been partaker with adulterers. These 
 things hast thou done, and I kept silence; thou 
 thoughtest that I was altogether such an one as thy- 
 self." 
 
 Thus I spent the winter. In the spring of 1687, 
 my mother fearing that I might be ensnared with the 
 company I was now amongst, came home for me, as 
 
85 
 
 remembering the wise man's observation, " The 
 rod and reproof give wisdom ; but a child left to him- 
 self, bringeth his mother to shame." But so great 
 was my wickedness, that in spite of natural affection, 
 I was grieved at her return; it damped me when 
 first I heard her voice, and I cared not to see her. 
 Nothing I disliked more than a godly and affection- 
 ate mother's converse. I feared to be questioned 
 as to my past conduct. I feared she would carry 
 me away back to Holland, where I would be put 
 under uneasy restraints from my sinful liberty: " But 
 thou saidst, There is no hope. No, for I have 
 loved strangers, and after them will I go." 
 
 In the spring, or towards summer, my mother 
 carried me with her, much against my will, and 
 put me to Erasmus' school. I staid but a short 
 while there. But by the advantageous method of 
 teaching taken with me, I began to delight in learn- 
 ing, and quickly turned proud of my success. But 
 otherwise, I lived as I had done before, becoming 
 still worse and worse, under all the means God made 
 use of to bring me near, and keep me close to him : 
 " As the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so 
 have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of 
 Israel, and the whole house of Judah; that they 
 might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and 
 for a praise, and for a glory; bxit they would not 
 hear." 
 
86 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 An Account of the Revival of Convictions, their 
 Effects, Progress, Issues, and Interruptions, from 
 the close of 1687 to 1690, or 1691, when I tvent 
 from Perth to stay at Edinburgh. 
 
 In the month of February, 1687, King James 
 issued his proclamations for indulgence, after which 
 most of those who had fled ventured home ; and my 
 mother amongst others, toward August or Septem- 
 ber that year. It had been for my advantage, pro- 
 bably, for my education, to have staid here, which 
 made me unwilling to return. In our return, we 
 were in imminent danger of shipwreck, on the scars 
 of England ; but by the mercy of God we escaped. 
 The danger was sudden, and suddenly over, and so 
 left little or no impression on me. When we came 
 home, we fixed our residence at Perth, and abode 
 there till harvest 1690, or 1691, I cannot be positive 
 which. What was my state as to my soul concerns 
 during this time, so far as I remember, I shall here 
 narrate. 
 
 Presently upon our settlement in this place, I 
 was entered to school, and made some better pro- 
 ficiency than before. But as to religion, I continued 
 as unconcerned as ever, as intent upon sin, as averse 
 to duty as formerly. However, I behaved under my 
 mother's eye, but when I was among my comrades 
 I took my liberty, and went with them into all the 
 
follies and extravagances they went into ; with this 
 aggravation above most of them, that what I did I 
 very often knew to be a fault; whereas they, at least 
 many of them, did not. Yea, I not only went along 
 with them, but was foremost, and enticed others to 
 folly. Yet still, through the mercy of God, I kept 
 from openly scandalous evils, save once, that I re- 
 member, I was seized in a garden, with some other 
 boys, taking some fruit. Of this I was much 
 ashamed, and never attempted the like again, not 
 from any real dislike of the sin, but the fears of a 
 discovery. And thus I continued, till towards the 
 close of King James' reign, when fears of a massacre, 
 or some sudden stroke from the Papists, of which 
 there was a great noise every where, revived my 
 concern about religion : " But when he slew them, 
 then they sought him ; and they returned and in- 
 quired early after God: and they remembered that 
 God was their Rock, and the High God their Re- 
 deemer." 
 
 This concern being somewhat deeper, and the 
 effects of it more remarkable and lasting, I shall 
 endeavour to give a distinct account of it. About 
 this time, the Lord, by the means 1 lived under, 
 the preaching of the word, catechising in public and 
 private, enlightened my mind further in the notional 
 knowledge of the law and gospel. My capacity 
 growing with my years, and knowledge of what was 
 sin, and what was duty, and what the fearful conse- 
 quences of sin were, and the advantage of duty in- 
 creasing; sin was left open and naked without the 
 excuse of ignorance, and conscience had a farther 
 
88 
 
 advantage, being armed with more knowledge, and 
 better informed ; by which its checks, when now by 
 the Lord's providences it was in some measure 
 awakened, were more frequent and sharp, and not 
 so easily to be evaded : " If I had not come and 
 spoken to them, they had not had sin, but now they 
 have no cloak for their sin." 
 
 Some touches of sickness riveted on me the im- 
 pressions of mortality and frailty, and the tendency 
 of each of those numerous train of diseases, by which 
 we are daily exposed to death : in which 1 was 
 brought into, and kept under continual " bondage 
 through fears of death." 
 
 But that which, above all, most deeply affected me, 
 and jjave an edge to convictions, was the continual 
 fear we were in, of being suddenly destroyed by the 
 Papists. This kept death in its most terrible 
 shape, ever in mine eyes and thoughts ; and, to my 
 great terror, I saw wrath and judgment following it. 
 " The sinners in Zion are afraid, fearfulness has 
 surprised the hypocrites : Who amongst us shall 
 dwell with devouring fire ? Who amongst us shall 
 dwell with everlasting burnings ?" 
 
 By this I was cast into grievous disquietude : " I 
 took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart 
 daily." I was in a dreadful strait betwixt two. On 
 the one hand my convictions of sin were sharp, fears 
 of a present death and judgment quickened them. 
 This made me attend more to the word; the more I 
 attended to it, they increased the more ; and I was 
 daily persuaded, more and more, that there was no 
 way to be rid of them, but by turning religious. On 
 
89 
 
 the other hand, if I should engage in earnest in re- 
 ligion, then I saw the hazard of suffering for it, and 
 wist not but I might be called immediately to die 
 for it ; and this I could not think of doing. Betwixt 
 the two, I was dreadfully distressed in my mind; some 
 nights sleep went from mine eyes, and I was full of 
 trouble. I set my imagination to work, and some- 
 times strongly impressed myself with the fancy of an 
 Irish cut-throat, holding a dagger to my breast, and 
 offering me these terms, " Quit your religion, turn 
 Papist, and you shall live : Hold it, and you are 
 dead." The imagination was sometimes so strong, 
 that I have almost fainted with it, and still I was 
 dreadfully unresolved what to do ; sometimes I would 
 let him give the fatal stroke ; hut on this my spirits 
 shrunk, and my heart failed at the apprehension of 
 death. At other times, I resolved to quit my reli- 
 gion, but with a resolution to take it up again, when 
 the danger was over ; but here I could get no rest. 
 What, thought I, if the treacherous enemy destroy 
 me after I have done it, and thus I lose both life 
 and religion ? And what if I die before the danger 
 is over, and so time be not allowed me to repent ? 
 " Ephraim is as a silly dove, without a heart : they 
 call to Egypt, and they go to Assyria." 
 
 This sort of exercise frequently recurred, and I 
 ever continued in this way at times, till after the 
 battle of Killiecrankie, which was fought July 27, 
 1689. It had some interruptions, and then I was 
 as remiss as before ; but for near a year, few weeks, 
 and frequently few days or nights passed over me, 
 without some such exercise : but the fears of the 
 
1)0 
 
 Papists being quickly over, my remaining difficulty 
 was only with my convictions. Now, as to these, i 
 endeavoured to relieve myself: 1. By promises of 
 abstaining from those sins which were most directlv 
 contrary to my knowledge, and of which I was most 
 plainly convinced : " And Pharaoh called for Moses 
 and Aaron, and said, Entreat the Lord for me, and 
 I will let the people go." 2. I took sanctuary in 
 resolutions of inquiring into the Lord's mind, and 
 complying with it. But when I consulted any prac- 
 tical book, or the ministry of the word, and found 
 them not to give such directions as agreed with my 
 unrenewed heart, I was grieved, and stuck there : 
 " And, behold, one came to him, and said unto liim, 
 Good Master, what good thing shall I do, that I 
 may have eternal life ? Jesus said unto him, If thou 
 wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give 
 to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven; 
 and come and follow me. But when the young 
 man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful; for 
 he had great possessions." 3. I thought to find 
 peace in a more careful attendance upon duties : 
 " Thus being ignorant of God's righteousness, and 
 froin;'- about to establish mine own righteousness, 1 
 submitted not myself unto the righteousness of God, 
 (nor showed I any regard to Christ,) who is the end 
 of the law for righteousness, to every one that be- 
 lieveth." 
 
 Though my foolish heart ran to those courses, 
 yet really they afforded no solid repose: For, 1. The 
 first sin against light, and the first omission of duty, 
 which very speedily ensued upon the intermission of 
 
91 
 
 the restraint that present conviction put on me, shook 
 all. And I was confounded at the thought of ap- 
 pearing before God, in a righteousness so plainly 
 ragged, that where it had one piece, it wanted two. 
 
 2. Though these ways gave some ease, while trials 
 were at a distance ; yet when the thoughts of death 
 came near, I found no quiet in them. This was 
 not gold tried in the fire, nor would it abide so much 
 as a near-hand view of a trial; but at the very ap- 
 pearance of a storm, this sandy foundation shook. 
 
 3. Whenever convictions were awakened as to new 
 sins, convictions for old ones also recurred, which 
 showed that the cure was not perfect.*' " Behold, all 
 ye that kindle a fire, that compass yourselves about 
 with sparks : walk in the light of your fire, and in 
 the sparks that ye have kindled. This shall ye have 
 of mine hand; ye shall lie down in sorrow." 
 
 The effects of this exercise that remained and in- 
 creased afterwards, were principally these three: — ~1. 
 I was brought into a doubt about the truths of reli- 
 gion, the being of a God, and things eternal. This 
 hesitation was not from any arguments that offered 
 themselves against these truths ; or from any suspi- 
 cion of ministers, parents, or others, from whom I 
 had received them ; but merely from this, that when- 
 ever, in danger or straits, I would build on them, a 
 suspicion secretly haunted me, What if the things are 
 not? Whence I was brought to think that I had 
 not certainty and evidence about them, answerable to 
 
 ♦ Consider Heb. x. 2, 3. Where conscience of sin remains 
 after the use of means, it argues their weakness. " 
 
92 
 
 the weight that was to be laid on them. I thought 
 death, and the trouble attending it, were certain and 
 sensible things; but I could not get my mind so 
 satisfied, and fully assured upon the truths of reli- 
 gion. Still, when under apprehensions of death, 1 
 would have taken rest in the truths of religion, the 
 persuasion failed me, and my mind began to waver; 
 though I could give no reason of this : " The way 
 of the wicked is as darkness : they know not at what 
 they stumble." 2. I was hereby persuaded, and 
 this persuasion ever after increased in strength, that 
 I could never have peace, till 1 came to another sort 
 of evidence and certainty about the truths of religion, 
 than I was yet acquainted with. Death I saw ine- 
 vitable, it might be very sudden ; I was capable of 
 being impressed with the forethoughts of it, and 
 could not banish them. Therefore, concluded I, un- 
 less I obtain such a conviction of religion, and such 
 an interest in it, as will make me not only look at 
 death without fear, but go through with comfort, 
 " better for me I had never been;" but how or where 
 this was to be obtained, I was utterly uncertain. 
 Here I lay in great perplexity, under the melancholy 
 impression, that I had hitherto " spent my money 
 for that which is not bread, and my labour for that 
 which profiteth not." 3. This perplexity was some- 
 what relieved, while one day or other reading in the 
 close of the Fulfilling of the Scriptures, how Mr. 
 Robert Bruce was shaken about the being of a God, 
 and how at length he came to the fullest satisfaction; 
 by which a hope secretly sprung up, that one time 
 or other, and in one way or other, the like might be- 
 
93 
 
 fal me, and that the Lord might satisfy me in this. 
 Here was the dawning of a light, that, though for 
 long it did not fully clear up, yet was never put wholly 
 out again ; though it was far from satisfying, yet it 
 kept me from despair, as to the issue : " And he 
 took the blind man by the hand, and led him out of 
 the town ; and when he had spit on his eyes, and put 
 his hands on him, he asked him if he saw ought. 
 And he looked up, and said, I see men as trees walk- 
 ing." But, notwithstanding all this, " the veil still 
 remained untaken away." 
 
 About this time, one Mr. Donaldson, a reverend 
 old minister, preached at Perth, and coming to visit 
 my mother, he called for me; and, among other 
 questions, he asked me if I sought a blessing on my 
 learning ? To which I ingenuously answered, No. 
 He replied with an austere look, " Sirrah, unsanc- 
 tified learning has done much mischief to the kirk of 
 God." This saying stuck to me ever after, and left 
 a deep impression on me ; so that whenever I was 
 any way straitened, I applied to God by prayer, for 
 help in my learning, and pardon for not seeking his 
 blessing. But this was only when more than ordi- 
 narily difficulted. 
 
 But as to my general disposition, all this exer- 
 cise left me where I was before, afar off from God, 
 and " an enemy to him in my mind, which I evi- 
 denced by wicked works." 
 
94 
 
 ■ 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 An Account of the Increase of my Convictions, dur- 
 ing my stay at Edinburgh, from harvest 1690, or 
 1691, till May 1693, and the vain Refuges to 
 which I took myself for Relief 
 
 My mother designing to have me well educated, 
 for the advantage of better schools, she removed to 
 Edinburgh, in harvest 1690, or 1691, and fixed me 
 at Mr. Gavin Weir's school, where I staid (except 
 orJy for the space of some months that I abode in 
 Carlop's family, and was educated with his children 
 and some others, by one who had been an under 
 teacher to Mr. Weir, and after his removal taught 
 a few privately) till November 1692, when I entered 
 the college, under Mr. Alexander Cunningham. 
 Here it was my mercy, that I became acquainted 
 with sober comrades, and bookishly inclined. But 
 this it is not my design to narrate : and therefore I 
 proceed to observe the steps of the Lord's work with 
 me as to my soul. 
 
 While I abode here, the Lord gave not over his 
 dealings with me : " About the time of forty years, 
 suffered he their manners in the wilderness." Long 
 also did he bear with my manners. In this place 
 the work went on. For, 1. As knowledge in- 
 creased, so convictions increased, if not in force, 
 yet in number; still, as knowledge of the law grew, 
 which it daily did under the means of grace, the 
 
95 
 
 knowledge of sin also grew : " For bv the law is the 
 knowledge of sin." The Lord daily let me see, that 
 he was wrath on account of sins that formerly I had 
 not noticed : " These things thou hast done, and I 
 kept silence : thou thoughtest I was such an one 
 as thyself; but 1 will reprove thee, and set thy sins 
 in order before thee." 2. By new afflictions, the 
 impressions of my mortality were riveted, and I was 
 still the further in bondage, through the crowing 
 tears of death. 3. The word being daily preached, 
 and dailv meeting with me, forced me, though an- 
 willing, to make some inquiry into my sincerity in 
 religion, of which I now made some profession. A 
 close word Mill at length even bring a Judas to say, 
 " Master, is it I?" 4. The means of grace, to 
 save some bosom-idol;-, engaged me, like Herod, 
 " to do many things, and hear the word gladly." 
 
 The means by which these effects were wrought, 
 M 7 ere, 1. The preaching of the word. " By the 
 two-edged sword that goes out of his mouth," the 
 Lord did oft wound me, and the secrets of my 
 heart were made manifest. I found " the word a 
 discerner of the thoughts of the heart and its in- 
 tents." 2. The Lord made use of the rod. He 
 laid his hand on me. When I was well and in 
 health, the word did not affect me so much, nor did 
 I attend to it so carefully : " 1 spake unto thee in 
 thy prosperity, and thou wouldest not hear : This 
 has been thy manner from thy youth, and thou 
 obeyedst not the voice of the Lord." " In their af- 
 fliction they will seek me early." " If they be bound 
 in fetters, and be holden in cords of affliction, then 
 
96 
 
 he showeth unto them their work, and their trans- 
 gressions that they have exceeded." 3. I read Shep- 
 herd's Treatise, called the Sincere Convert, which 
 galled me, and cut me to the quick : it came very 
 close home to me, and affected me very much, and 
 put me to question deeply my sincerity. 
 
 By these means, I was driven sometimes to great 
 extremity, and carried the length of a form of reli- 
 gion. I prayed, not only evening and morning, but 
 at some other times retired, and would weep plenti- 
 fully in secret, and read, and prayed, and resolved 
 to live otherwise than I had done. " But this 
 goodness was as the morning cloud, and the early 
 dew." It kept pace with my convictions. It was 
 force, not nature; and this strictness lasted no 
 longer than the force that occasioned it did : " And 
 Joash did that which was right in the sight of the 
 Lord, all the days of Jehoiada the priest. — But Je- 
 hoiada waxed old,, and died. — Now, after the death 
 of Jehoiada, came the princes of Judah, and made 
 obeisance to the king ; and the king hearkened unto 
 them. And they left the house of the Lord God 
 of their fathers, and served groves and idols." 
 
 While I was under these distresses, many a 
 wicked shift did I betake myself to for relief, though 
 without effect : " When Ephraim saw his sickness, 
 and Judah saw his wound, then went Ephraim to 
 the Assyrian, and sent unto King Jareb; yet could 
 he not heal you, nor cure you of your wound." 
 When searching marks were offered from the word, 
 which tended to discover my haughtiness, or when 
 I read them in books; 1. If any thing was spoken 
 
97 
 
 or mentioned, that did in appearance make for me, 
 then I greedily catched at that; for I was very un- 
 willing to see my own hypocrisy, and therefore, if I 
 had but a show to found my claim, I laid hold on 
 what was offered, like the young man, when Christ 
 spoke of keeping the commandments, he answered, 
 being unacquainted with the spiritual extent of the 
 law, " All these things have I kept from my youth, 
 what lack 1 yet?" So said I. 2. When I found 
 something required, that I neither had, nor resolved 
 to comply with, because perhaps it was on some ac- 
 count or other dear, then I resolved to compound 
 the matter, and make amends some other way, and 
 beg a license for that, like Naaman : " Thy servant 
 will henceforth offer neither burnt-offering, nor sa- 
 crifice, unto other gods, but unto the Lord. In 
 this thing the Lord pardon thy servant, that when 
 my master goeth into the house of Rimmon to wor- 
 ship there, and he leaneth on my hand, and I bow 
 myself down in the house of Rimmon." 3. When 
 any mark was offered, that I could not evade, nor 
 pretend to, then I was ready to question, whether 
 he that offered it were not mistaken, " and secretly 
 questioned the truth ;" following the measures Satan 
 took with Eve, " Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not 
 eat of every tree of the garden." And again, " Ye 
 shall not surely die." 4. When I could not see, 
 not through the want of sufficient light, but through 
 my unwillingness to admit it, I was ready to quar- 
 rel that ministers and books did not tell me plain- 
 ly: " Then came the Jews round about him, and 
 said unto him, How long dost thou make us to 
 E 11 
 
98 
 
 doubt ? If thou be the Christ, tell us plainly. Je- 
 sus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not." 
 
 5. Sometimes, when I was gravelled with a mark, I 
 promised it a hearing at a more convenient season ; 
 and thus, like Felix, shifted the trouble for the time. 
 
 6. Sometimes I would slip over these things that 
 made against me: " He that doth evil, cometh not 
 to the light, because his deeds are evil, lest they 
 should be reproved." 7. I carefully sought for the 
 lowest marks, and the least degrees of grace that 
 might be saving. I wanted only as much religion 
 as would take me to heaven ; and therefore I still 
 inquired, with the young man, " What good thing 
 shall I do, that I may inherit eternal life ?" I de- 
 sired no more than would do this, serve this turn ; 
 and any thing that would serve this, provided my 
 beloved lusts were spared, I would with him resolve 
 upon. 8. When none of these shifts would avail 
 iu the general, I would resolve upon doing any thing 
 that the Lord required, like him that said, " Mas- 
 ter, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest." 
 But then, with him, I still retracted when the Lord 
 told me, as he often did, of particulars he would try 
 me in, which were contrary to my inclination. 9. 
 When I saw I behoved to quit these of which the 
 Lord often convinced me, then I becked a little 
 respite or delay, and I would comply; " Augustin- 
 like, I was content to be holy, but not yet." And 
 another also said, " Lord, I will follow thee, but 
 let me first go bid them farewell, which are at home 
 at my house. And Jesns said, No man having put 
 liis hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for 
 
99 
 
 the kingdom of God." An excuse, a delay in God's 
 account, is a plain refusal; for all commands and 
 invitations, require present obedience : " Now is 
 .the accepted time. Now is the day of salvation." 
 And " to-day, if you will hear his voice, harden not 
 your hearts." 10. After all ways were tried, I 
 found no relief. I blamed my education. I knew 
 there was some change; my question was, whether 
 it were the right one. Now, thought I, if I had 
 not been religiously educated, but had turned all at 
 once, it would have been more easily discernible. 
 Thus 1 was entangled in my own ways : " We wait 
 for light, but behold obscurity; for brightness, but 
 we walk in darkness. We grope for the wall, like 
 the blind, and we grope as if we had no eyes : we 
 stumble at noon-day as in the night; we are in deso- 
 late places as dead men." The true reason of my 
 difficulty was, I was scorning, and not really desi- 
 rous of light, unless it had been to my mind: " They 
 know not, neither will they understand; they walk 
 on in darkness." " The scorner seeketh wisdom, 
 and findeth it not." Many other deceits and shifts 
 my heart used, which now, at so great a distance, I 
 cannot remember. But these are the principal which 
 occur upon reflection ; and in them how evident is 
 it, that If the heart is deceitful above all things, and 
 desperately wicked. Who knows, or can know it ?" 
 Though now I seemed sometimes to have gone 
 far, yet really I was wholly wrong: For, 1. All this 
 while being convinced of the necessity of a righte- 
 ousness, but ignorant of Christ, Ci I sought it by 
 the works of the law." 2. " The carnal mind, that 
 E 2 
 
100 
 
 is enmity against God, and is not subject to the law 
 of God," still continued. 3. All my exercise was 
 only a tossing between light and love of sin : and 
 sin still carried it ; for my bosom-idols I would by 
 no means part with. 4. Self was the animating 
 principle of any form of religion that I had. So 
 much of it, as would save me from hell, or take me 
 to heaven, and no more I desired. 5. All this re- 
 ligion came and went with the occasions mentioned. 
 It was not abiding-. 
 
 7. Providentially, about this time, Clark's Mar- 
 tyrology was put into my hand. I loved history, 
 and read it greedily; and some impressions it left on 
 me, that wanted not their own use at that time and 
 afterwards : 1. The patience, joy and courage of 
 the martyrs, persuaded me, that there was a power, 
 a reality in religion, beyond the power of mere na- 
 ture. 2. I was convinced that I was a stranger as 
 yet to this, because I could not think of suffering. 
 3. I was brought to some faint desires after acquaint- 
 ance with this power of religion : " Then Nebu- 
 chadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of 
 Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. There is no 
 other God that can deliver after this sort." Oft 
 was I, in reading this book, at Balaam's wish, " Let 
 me die the death of the righteous, and let my last end 
 be like his." But, like him, I loved not their life. 
 
 I observe, that at this time, 1. God restrained me, 
 by my bodily infirmity, a trouble in my joints, which 
 made me unable to go, from many follies others 
 run into, and I was much inclined to. Thus he 
 hedged in my way, that I should not find my lovers. 
 
101 
 
 2. The Lord in mercy provided me comrades, that 
 were tender of me, and took care of me. He fed 
 me, and led me, though " I knew him not." 3. So 
 far was I from being thankful, that my proud heart 
 fretted, that I was kept from those things others fol- 
 lowed. I would have been at rejoicing in my strength ; 
 and vexed I was, that I had an occasion of glorying 
 cut off. And I was not thankful, either for the 
 Lord's cutting off by this means many occasions of 
 sin ; nor for his mercy in providing persons to take 
 care of me. O what reason have I to say, " The 
 Lord is good to the unthankful and evil !" 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 An Account of the Progress of the Lord's Work, the 
 Straits J was reduced to, and the Courses I took 
 for Relief, from May, 1693, when I left Edin- 
 burgh, till I went to the family of Wemyss, 
 August 1696. 
 
 The air agreeing neither with my mother nor 
 me, she was advised, and at length resolved, to leave 
 Edinburgh, and go to St. Andrews, a place more 
 wholesome, and more convenient for my education, 
 to which she always had a special regard. Here I 
 cannot but observe, the remarkable kindness of the 
 Lord, in guiding me, though I then took no notice 
 of it : "I am the Lord, and there is none else, 
 there is no God beside me : I girded thee, though 
 
102 
 
 thou hast not known me." 1. At a time when mv 
 heart inclined me most to folly, and bv my entering 
 into the college, 1 was exposed to many temptations 
 to it, the Lord seasonably laid his hand on me, and 
 visited me with trouble, that was a mean to restrain me, 
 and keep me from contracting any intimacy with those 
 whose converse might have proved prejudicial to me, 
 and to engage me to choose sober comrades : " Thou 
 shalt also consider in thine heart, that as a man 
 chasteneth his son, so the Lord thy God chasteneth 
 thee." Again, 2. This indisposition, during the 
 first two months of my stay at the college, being only 
 in my joints, did not hinder, but further my studies ; 
 and the Lord provided one, who, though a stranger, 
 and under no special obligations, yet attended me as 
 close as if he had been my servant, and was as tender of 
 me as if he had been my brother. During this time, 
 I made a greater proficiency in the Latin tongue than 
 ever I had formerly done ; the regent I was under 
 being very skilful in teaching it, and attending very 
 carefully. About this time lie fell ill, and was not 
 capable to attend; and I fell ill, and was thereby 
 obliged to remove to St. Andrews, which was much 
 to my advantage. For I came under the care of 
 Mr. Thomas Taylor, a man very capable, and very 
 careful of, and kind to me. And the class I left 
 was broke up, the regent continuing indisposed that 
 vear, and falling next year into a frenzv. Thus 
 the Lord chased me froirr place io place f. >r mv good, 
 and everywhere provided in. ft'igndg : -• He found 
 him in a desert laud, and in t!i< ! howling 
 
 wilderness: he led hi:.; about and instructed him; he 
 
103 
 
 kept him as the apple of his eye." But God's 
 kindness in guiding me to places for my good, and 
 keeping me from inconveniences, snares, and dan- 
 gers, into which others fell, had no effect on, nor 
 were they noticed by me : " Neither said they, 
 Where is the Lord that brought us up out of the 
 land of Egypt, that led us through the wilderness, 
 through a land of deserts, and of pits, through a 
 land of drought, and of the shadow of death. And 
 I brought you into a plentiful country, to eat the 
 fruit thereof, and the goodness : but when ye en- 
 tered, ye denied my land, and made mine heritage 
 an abomination." 
 
 When I settled at St. Andrews, the Lord left 
 not his work and striving with me, but the same, 
 sovereign grace that begun, went on with it : "I 
 lifted up my hand unto them, to bring them out of 
 the land of Egypt. But they rebelled against me, 
 and would not hearken unto me. Then said I, I 
 will pour out my fury upon them. But I wrought 
 for my name's sake." " Not for your sakes do I 
 this, saith the Lord God, be it known unto you : 
 be ashamed and confounded for your ways, O house 
 of Israel." 
 
 Here the Lord cast my lot under choice means 
 of grace, the ministry of worthy Mr. Thomas For- 
 rester. Under his searching ministry, the Lord 
 began to give me some small discoveries of the more 
 secret and spiritual evils of my heart, and carried 
 me " into the secret chambers of imagery," to let 
 me see what my heart did in the dark. 1. He 
 opened mine eyes to discern somewhat of that world 
 
104 
 
 of pride that is in the heart, and the wickedness of 
 it. Though I was somewhat convinced of my own 
 weakness, when I had any difficulty more than ordi- 
 nary before me, and would seek help from God, yet 
 when I got through, I valued myself upon my 
 acquittance. Of the wickedness and injustice of 
 this, the Lord in some measure convinced me : 
 " What hast thou, O man, that thou hast not re- 
 ceived ? And if thou hast received, wherefore dost 
 thou boast ?" 2. He convinced me of the wicked- 
 ness of the straying of my heart after idols, especi- 
 ally in the time of worship : " But as for them 
 whose heart walked after the heart of their detestable 
 things, and their abominations, I will recompense 
 their ways upon their own heads, saith the Lord 
 God." " For every one of the house of Israel, or 
 of the stranger, which setteth up his idols in his 
 heart, and putteth the stumbling-block of his ini- 
 quity before his face, and cometh to a prophet to 
 inquire of him concerning me, I the Lord will answer 
 him by myself." I was made to see, in some mea- 
 sure, the danger of offering such duties to him, who 
 requireth us to " set our hearts" to what he speaks, 
 and to " keep our foot when we come to the house 
 of God. 3. I was likewise made to see somewhat 
 of my trusting to my duties, and resting on the bare 
 performance, inasmuch as I was not for the most 
 challenged for unsuitable performance, but for the 
 entire omission of them ; and with the Pharisee, I 
 thought it enough, if I could say, that I did the 
 duty. But now the Lord let me see, that more 
 was required ; though with him I could say, " I 
 
105 
 
 fast twice a-week," the Lord convinced me, that he 
 might answer, " When ye fasted, did ye at all fast 
 unto me, even to me ?" 
 
 These, when added to former discoveries of guilt, 
 gave frequently much disturbance, and cast me into 
 racking perplexity and disquietude : but the dark- 
 ness and enmity of my mind remaining, I still had 
 recourse to wicked and vain courses for peace, such 
 as these formerly mentioned ; but they afforded me 
 little quiet. Like Pharaoh, I engaged to amend 
 those things wherein formerly I had failed ; but with 
 him I quickly broke, when the force that drove me 
 to this was over. At last, finding no peace in any 
 of these courses, I resolved to enter into solemn 
 covenant with the Lord; and accordingly I wrote 
 and subscribed a solemn covenant, whereby I bound 
 myself to be for God, like Israel, when under the 
 awful impressions of Sinai, and the dreadful appear- 
 ance of God there ; I said, " All that the Lord our 
 God shall say unto us, we will hear and do it :" and, 
 like the Scribe that came to Christ, " Master, I 
 will follow thee whithersoever thou ffoest." 
 
 When I had once done this, then I concluded all 
 was right : For, 1. I found a sort of a present peace. 
 Amendment I thought sufficient atonement, and such 
 an engagement I looked on as performance. I now 
 said, " I have peace-offerings with me ; this day I 
 have paid my vows." 2. I at this time found fre- 
 quently an unusual sweetness in hearing the word ; 
 especially in hearing Mr. Forrester lecture on Acts 
 xiii. 43. on the Sabbath night. Here, as I re- 
 ceived sometimes the most piercing convictions, so 
 e 3 
 
106 
 
 I received " tastes of the good word of God, and 
 the powers of the world to come." Thus, like the 
 stony ground, " I heard the word, and anon with 
 joy received it." 3. Common gifts increasing as 
 light grew, I took them for special grace; and thus 
 took up, with the foolish virgins, the lamp of a pro- 
 fession without oil. I began to set up for a virgin 
 too, and, like such, I began to be esteemed by some 
 of them for that which really I was not, but only 
 appeared to be. 
 
 But the merciful and good God would not suffer 
 me to rest here : " Yet thou sayest, Because I am 
 innocent, surely his anger shall turn from me. Be- 
 hold, I will plead with thee, because thou sayest, I 
 have not sinned. Why wentest thou about so much 
 to change thy way ? Thou also shalt be ashamed 
 of Egypt, as thou wast ashamed of Assyria. Yea, 
 thou shalt go forth from him, and thine hands upon 
 thine head: for the Lord hath rejected thy confi- 
 dences, and thou shalt not prosper iu them." The 
 Lord quickly let me see my mistake. For, 1. The 
 imaginary peace that I had, by making this covenant, 
 was quickly lost by breaking it. Corruption re- 
 taining still its power, its locks not being yet cut, 
 whenever a temptation offered, like Sampson, upon a 
 cry of the Philistines being on him, it broke all 
 those ties] with which I foolishly, like his deceived 
 mist' gHt it bound. Like the children of 
 
 Israel at omai % I engaged fairly, and herein thought 
 
 * / .• . . m| : Nam!), ixxiii. tl 
 
 Sim 
 
 16. iitid 
 
107 
 
 all riffht: but when I came to Kibroth-hattaavah, 
 which was the next station in their way through the 
 wilderness, and a temptation fell in my way, I felt 
 a murmuring, loathing the manna, and lusting after 
 the flesh ; and this broke all, the Lord's wrath 
 on this being afrech intimated against me, as it was 
 against them on that occasion. 2. Not only, upon 
 such breaches, met I with new convictions, but old 
 ones were revived ; and by this I found former ac- 
 counts still to be standing against me, which filled 
 me with confusion and jealousies of these ways : 
 fd For though thou wash thee with nitre, and take 
 thee much soap, yet thine iniquity is marked before 
 me, saith the Lord." The Lord insinuated some 
 discoveries of the treachery of my engagements ; 
 let me see how my heart was not sound, and how 
 there were secret reserves in my engagements for 
 some sins, from which my heart was not divorced ; 
 though yet I remember, that at that time I made 
 those engagements, when my heart put in for spar- 
 ing these, my light forced me, as it were, for the 
 present, though not without reluctance, to give them 
 up, at least in words; but really I did not do it. 
 Now, the Lord gave some intimations of this heart- 
 treachery, which, when further discovered by the 
 event, my covenant could not quiet me : " They 
 have well spoken all that they have said. O that 
 there were such a heart in them !" 4. The Lord 
 let loose some corruptions, like the Canaanites, to 
 try me, took off the restraints, and then, like water 
 dammed in, they became more violent and trouble- 
 some, and at length bore down all that I had set 
 
108 
 
 in their way. By these means, the Lord let me 
 see the fruitlessness and vanity of this covenant, 
 which, however specious-like, was indeed hut a co- 
 venant with death. And, by the discovery, I was 
 put into the utmost confusion, while the evil I thought 
 I was provided against came upon me : " From the 
 time that it goeth forth, it shall take you : for morn- 
 ing by morning shall it pass over, by day and by 
 night : and it shall be a vexation only to understand 
 the report. For the bed is shorter than that a man 
 can stretch himself on it ; and the covering narrower 
 than he can wrap himself in it." This I found veri- 
 fied to my sad experience. 
 
 Notwithstanding the felt vanity of these legal, 
 selfish, anti-evangelical courses, I still cleaved to 
 them: Foj, 1. The peace I lost by breaking, I still 
 endeavoured to recover by renewing my covenant, 
 trusting myself in the greatness of my way, and la- 
 boured in the fire. My heart, when I was defeated, 
 gave me such advice as the King of Syria got from 
 his servants, when he was defeated by Israel : " Num- 
 ber an army like that thou hast lost, horse for horse, 
 and chariot for chariot; and we will fight against 
 them in the plain, and surely we shall be stronger 
 than they." I laid the blame still on some acciden- 
 tal defect in my former management ; and I thought, 
 were that provided against, all would be well. 2. 
 When still I found something wanting, I cast about 
 in my own mind, and contrived to make it up with 
 something extraordinary of my own, the multiplica- 
 tion of duties, or some such thing or other. " Where- 
 with shall I come before the Lord, and bow myself 
 

 109 
 
 before the high God? Shall I come before him 
 with burnt-offerings, with calves of a year old? 
 Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, 
 or with ten thousands of rivers of oil ? Shall I give 
 my first-born for my transgression, the fruit of my 
 body for the sin of my soul ?" 
 
 But still these vain refuges failed me, and my case 
 was truly miserable while pursuing them : " Woe 
 to the rebellious children, saith the Lord, that take 
 counsel, but not of me ; and that cover with a cover- 
 ing, but not of the Spirit, that they may add sin to 
 sin : that walk to go down to Egypt, and have not 
 asked at my mouth : to strengthen themselves in the 
 strength of Pharaoh, and to trust in the shadow of 
 Egypt. Therefore shall the strength of Pharaoh 
 be your shame, and the shadow of Egypt your con- 
 fusion." Now, as 1 was really miserable in fol- 
 lowing those courses, so, if the Lord of infinite 
 mercy had not prevented it, I had landed in one of 
 four sad consequences, wherein such exercises and 
 courses often terminate. Either, 1. If I had 
 been freed from convictions, or the Lord had given 
 over his striving with me, and carrying on the work 
 of conviction, after convictions had carried me the 
 length of a form of religion, I had surely, notwith- 
 standing all the disappointments, rested satisfied with 
 that, as having " found the life of my hand," or 
 having, by the endeavours of my hand, and its la- 
 bour, obtained that which would give me a sort of 
 life : " Thou art wearied in the greatness of thy 
 way, yet saidst thou not, There is no hope : thou 
 hast found the life of thy hand, (that is, a sort of 
 
110 
 
 life by thy labour,) therefore thou wast not grieved." 
 Or, 2. If convictions had been carried on, and the 
 Lord had left me still to follow those courses I took, 
 I would have " laboured in the fire all my davs, 
 wearied and vexed myself for very vanity" — " spend- 
 ing my money for that which is not bread, and my 
 labour for that which doth not profit;" in a continual 
 vicissitude of vows, covenants, engagements and re- 
 solutions; breaches and disquietudes, engagements, 
 and false peace; breaches and racking convictions, 
 would alternately have taken place : and thus I had 
 spent my days, " and at the end been a fool." Or, 
 3. After I had wearied myself for a while in those 
 vain ways, I would have utterly given up with reli- 
 gion as a vain thing, and said, with those mentioned 
 by the prophet, who said, " It is vain to serve God; 
 and what profit is it that we have kept his ordinances, 
 and that we have walked mournfully before the Lord 
 of hosts ?" And so, with them, I had gone over to 
 open atheism and profanity. Or, 4. Being forced 
 to seek shelter for my convictions, and being so often 
 and sadly disappointed by all the ways I tried, I 
 had at last ended in despair, like Judas, and said, 
 " This evil is of the Lord, why wait I any longer?" 
 like that wicked king. And in very deed I had 
 some experience of all these issues. Sometimes I 
 sat down with the form, " and judged I was rich 
 and increased in goods, and stood in need of nothing." 
 Sometimes I wearied myself in running from one of 
 those vain courses to another. At other seasons I 
 turned quite careless, as finding no profit, and was 
 just at throwing up all care of religion : and very 
 
Ill 
 
 often 1 was on the very brink of despair, almost 
 quite distracted. 
 
 When I was thus disappointed, especially after 
 making, and frequently repeating my vows and en- 
 gagements, I was cast into the utmost perplexity to 
 find where the fault lay. I found this way of cove- 
 nanting with God recommended by ministers, men- 
 tioned in the Scripture, and the people of God de- 
 clared they had found the benefit of it. I could 
 not accuse myself, at least at sometimes, for known 
 guile in the making of it. What I engaged to do, 
 I was resolved upon at the time. I did engage with 
 much concern and solemnity ; and for some time 
 after, I would have walked with much strictness. 
 But though I could not then discern where the blame 
 lay, I have since been made to see it. 1. " Being 
 ignorant of the righteousness of God, I still went 
 about to establish a righteousness of my own." And 
 though in words I renounced this, yet indeed 1 
 sought righteousness and peace, not in the Lord 
 Jesus Christ, who " is the end of the law for righte- 
 ousness to every one that believes," but hi my own 
 covenants and engagements ; so that I really put 
 them in Christ's stead. 2. Whatever room 1 in 
 words allowed Christ as to forgiveness for the past, 
 yet .my peace and hope of it for the future, and so 
 my trust, was in the evenness of my own walk. I 
 obtained not righteousness, because I sought it " as 
 it were by the works of the law." This neglect of 
 Christ, and substituting my own covenants and obe- 
 dience in Ins room, was evident; because, whenever 
 1 was under convictions of sin. instead of recourse to 
 
112 
 
 his blood, I still sought peace only in renewing my 
 vows. 3. The consent I gave to the law, was not from 
 the reconciliation of my heart to its holiness, but mere- 
 ly in compliance with the restraint put upon me by 
 my convictions. But in very deed the enmity against 
 it still continued: and I would not have made it 
 my choice, if that had not forced me to it; so that 
 I subjected not myself to it. 4. I engaged to live 
 a new life with an old heart, not being yet made to 
 see, " that unless the tree is made good, the fruit 
 cannot be good." 5. " The eye was not single," all 
 I aimed at was self, to be eased of convictions, and 
 obtain peace from these racking disquietudes I was 
 under. I had not the least concern for the Lord's 
 glory, provided I were safe. 6. In a word, I en- 
 gaged before the Lord had thoroughly engaged me. 
 We may be willing, in some sort, before the Lord 
 hath made us truly willing. The first real kind- 
 ness begins on his side ; and we are never engaged 
 to love till the Lord's kindness draw us. The force 
 of convictions may overpower us into some preten- 
 sions of kindness. Thus it was with me. Willing 
 I was to be saved from hell, and to have heaven, 
 under the general notion of a good place ; but not 
 to be saved in God's way, on his terms, and in order 
 to the ends he proposes in the salvation of sinners. 
 
 This was not my only trouble at this time. Now 
 I was engaged in the study of metaphysics and 
 natural theology, accustomed to subtile notions, and 
 tickled with them; upon which Satan, in conjunction 
 with the natural atheism of my heart, took occasion 
 to cast me into racking disquietude about the great 
 
113 
 
 truths of religion, more especially the being of a God. 
 Thus, in the justice of God, that in which I delighted, 
 I mean subtile and abstract notions, proved the occa- 
 sion of much perplexing difficulty to me. For, 1. 
 Some seeming success in my studies, the first year I 
 engaged in the study of philosophy, fostered the 
 natural conceit we all have of our own ability to 
 know, and emboldened me to proceed further than 
 was meet. So true is that of the word, " Knowledge 
 puffeth up." 2. On this the natural curiosity of my 
 vain mind took a liberty to inquire, without fear, into 
 things too high, and made me promise myself satis- 
 faction about them, through my own inquiries : 
 " Vain man would be wise, though he is like the 
 •wild ass's colt." Thus he intrudes into those things 
 which he hath not seen, " vainly puffed up by his 
 fleshly mind." 3. And thus, on suffering a disap- 
 pointment, and failing of success, the natural atheism 
 and enmity of my carnal mind, that rather inclines 
 to reject the things of God, than our own darkness, 
 begun, when puzzled, to inquire, " How can these 
 things be ?" Thus, " professing myself wise, I be- 
 came a fool." 4. Satan, that waits all advantages, 
 finding me thus caught in the thicket, plunged me 
 deeper, by throwing in the " fiery darts" of subtile 
 arguings against the being of a God, whereby all 
 was set on a flame, and I was sometimes cast into 
 violent convulsions. 
 
 This exercise about the being of God was much 
 more disquieting than that formerly mentioned : 
 then there was only an unsettledness of mind, pro- 
 ceeding from the felt want of evidence sufficient to 
 
Ii4 
 
 quiet the mind, in that assurance of the truth, that 
 was necessary to embolden it, without fear, in all 
 its straits to have recourse to, and take rest in God. 
 Now, there were contrary disquieting arguments : 
 then I was only at that of the disciples, " Lord, 
 show us the Father, and it sufficeth us." But now 
 I was disturbed with the working of " the ruler of 
 darkness," and high imaginations exalting themselves 
 against God. 
 
 Though the atheism and enmity of my heart 
 against God, were still great and unremoved, yet the 
 Lord suffered me not to yield, but made me dread 
 and recoil at the terrible conclusion aimed at by 
 those armiinffs. For, 1. There remained so much 
 of that natural knowledge of a Deity which God 
 had made manifest even in the heathens, that is in 
 their consciences, and there was so much of strength 
 added to it by the external evidence of this truth, 
 in the works of creation and providence, as made 
 me recoil at the thoughts of that horrible conclusion 
 of the Atheist, " There is no God." 2. Being at 
 the same time deeply affected with strong apprehen- 
 sions of the shortness and uncertainty of a present 
 life, I dreaded to admit the conclusion, that I saw 
 would shake the foundations of any hope of relief 
 for the future from the other side of time : " If the 
 foundations be destroyed, what hath the righteous 
 done?" 
 
 In this difficulty, betwixt light that would not 
 admit of a flat denial of the being of a God, and 
 atheism inflamed and strengthened by Satan's firey 
 darts, I betook myself still to vain and selfish courses. 
 
115 
 
 My disturbance was from reasonings, and I thought 
 to relieve myself by my own reasonings. Nothing 
 more, did I foolishly think, can be requisite to esta- 
 blish my mind about this truth, and for ever to quiet 
 my mind in a firm assent to it, than to obtain demon- 
 strative arguments for the being of a God. Thus 
 I thought " by searching to find out God," and, 
 like the Psalmist, when shaken about the providence 
 of God, " I thought to know it," that is, by my 
 own reasonings, I expected to obtain establishment 
 in the truth, and an answer to the objections urged 
 against it. 
 
 Wherefore I seriously set myself to the search 
 of such arguments ; and I found them, but found 
 not that relief I expected : " When I thought to 
 know this, it was too painful for me." For 1. The 
 most convincing and forcible of those arguments, 
 proceeding upon the absurdity of the contrary con- 
 clusion with great evidence, would not allow of any 
 thing to be said to the argument, and so extorted 
 an assent ; but not enlightening the mind with any 
 satisfying notions and discoveries of the God whom 
 they obliged me to own as existent, my mind was 
 not quieted. For in things of any practical influ- 
 ence, without some competent measure of light about 
 the nature of things, the soul requiring satisfaction, 
 not only as to their reality, but their meetness to 
 answer those practical uses about which it is con- 
 cerned, cannot rest without some discoveries of this : 
 it Thomas said unto him, Lord, we know not whi- 
 ther thou goest; and how can we know the way?" 
 2. These arguments forced indeed some assent at 
 
 © 
 
116 
 
 the time ; but not refuting contrary objections, when- 
 ever the light of them was removed, and contrary 
 objections came into view again, I was entirely 
 shaken, like him in Cicero, who read Plato's argu- 
 ments for the immortality of the soul, and said, 
 " When I read, I assent, but I cannot tell how; 
 but so soon as I lay down the book, all the assent 
 is gone." It is faith alone, that, as the word is, 
 " reproves" contrary arguings, and plants in the 
 soul an abiding light, that keeps the soul from its 
 adherence to truth. Thus, like the philosophers of 
 old, " in the wisdom of God, by wisdom I knew not 
 God." 
 
 Though I was thus entangled, rather than extri- 
 cated, by these selfish shifts, yet my vain mind still 
 followed these courses. For, 1. What hitherto I 
 had failed of, 1 expected I might find by some fur- 
 ther progress in learning; and therefore I applied 
 myself vigorously to that. But any little progress 
 I made, made me still more sensible how far I was 
 disappointed, and made me experience the truth of 
 this, that " he that increaseth knowledge, increaseth 
 sorrow." The further I proceeded, I still found the 
 more difficulties, and the less satisfaction. When this 
 course could not avail, then I spent my weary hours 
 in vain wishes for some extraordinary discoveries : 
 " Nay, but if one rise from the dead, they will be- 
 lieve." 
 
 Though I reached not the satisfaction I aimed 
 at, yet I cannot say but this exercise had some use- 
 ful effects. 1. It let me see, that I had need of 
 some further evidence and establishment about the 
 
1J7 
 
 truths of religion, than hitherto I had either attain- 
 ed, or knew how to attain. Thus I had got some 
 view of it before : now I was more confirmed in it. 
 2. My mind being sometimes more quieted as to 
 these truths in hearing the word than by all the 
 arguments, I was inclined to hope this evidence I 
 wanted might come from the Lord. 3. I was beat 
 down somewhat from that towering opinion of my 
 own knowledge and abilities, to know that my first 
 seeming success in philosophy gave me, and brought 
 me to an useful diffidence of my inability to reach 
 satisfaction, even about natural things, and solve 
 objections that lay against truths, which yet upon 
 clear argument, I was forced to admit; which after- 
 wards was of considerable use to me. 
 
 But during this period of time, under all these 
 wrestlings and stragglings betwixt growing light 
 and sin, corruptions, as I grew in years, grew stronger 
 and stronger, took deeper root, and received an in- 
 crease of strength by occasional temptations, and new 
 force from the weak resistance made to them by these 
 vain courses. As the law came nearer in its spiritual 
 meaning and extent, sin revived, and appeared more 
 discernible in its strength ; " and sin taking occa- 
 sion by the commandment, wrought in me inclina- 
 tion to all evil." Being fretted, not subdued, it 
 grew stronger, till at length it slew me. 
 
 Under this perplexity, I betook myself still to 
 one or other of the fore-mentioned vain courses : 
 " I gadded about to change my way, sent to Egypt, 
 and went to Assyria, yet could not they help me." 
 But yet these exercises and perplexities had some 
 
118 
 
 intermissions, and then I turned remiss and careless: 
 « My goodness, like the morning cloud and early 
 dew, soon passed away." 
 
 However, by these means I was brought to a spe- 
 cious-like form of religion. For now, 1. I took 
 some care to avoid those sins, whether secret or open, 
 that thwarted the light of my conscience most plainly. 
 I not only abstained from those evils to which most, 
 even of the soberer sort of students were frequently 
 drawn over : but with a sort of resolution I kept at 
 a distance from the occasions of them. Thus I be- 
 gan " to escape the pollutions of the world, through 
 the knowledge of the truth." 2. I was more exact 
 and punctual in attending duties, public, private, 
 and secret, than heretofore, and that not without 
 some concern, at least sometimes, as to my -inward 
 frame in them. Thus, I thought, " I kept his 
 ordinances." 3. When I was ensnared, either into 
 the commission of sin, or omission of duty, I was 
 brought to a deep sorrow; and for some time " walked 
 mournfully before God." 4. Whereas I always had a 
 sort of awful regard for them that feared God, since 
 ever I began to be in the least awakened, now I be- 
 gan to have a sort of liking and kindness to them, 
 and pleasure in their company and converse, even 
 about matters of religion. This light forced an 
 approbation of them on my mind, and so " to give 
 glory to God, their light so shining before me," that 
 1 could not but take notice of them. 5. I had fre- 
 quent " tastes of the word of God, and powers of 
 the world to come," which made me delight in ap- 
 proaching to God. And, 6. I got some things that 
 
119 
 
 looked like a return of prayer; when under a sense 
 of impotency, I betook myself to God by prayer; in 
 any strait I found help so remarkable, that I could 
 not but take notice of it. The Lord hereby drew 
 me gradually in to expect good in his way; and 
 though I was wrong in the main, as it were, en- 
 couraged the faintest beginnings of a look toward a 
 return : " And the word of the Lord came to 
 Elijah the Tishbite, saying, Seest thou how Ahab 
 humbleth himself before me: because he humbled 
 himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his 
 days ; but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon 
 his house." 
 
 Now, though by these means I got a name to 
 live, yet really I was dead. For, 1. The natural 
 darkness still remained uncured. Some dawnings 
 of light were indeed begun, and some discoveries 
 made of what formerly I had not known, yet the 
 power of darkness still remained, and " the veil was 
 not vet taken away, nor were spiritual things seen in 
 a true light." 2. The enmity of my mind against the 
 law*, especially in some instances, remaining in force, 
 there was not " a respect to all God's commands." 
 I had not yet a sight of the beauty of holiness. 
 Nor did I in my heart approve of the whole yoke of 
 Christ's precepts as good and desirable. It was not 
 that I delighted in holiness and conformity to the 
 lave, at least in some instances, but that I was undone 
 without it, that made me aim at any sort of com- 
 pliance. 3. " I yet sought righteousness as it were 
 
 * Compare Rom. vii. 8. with Rom. vii. 12. 22. 
 
120 
 
 by the works of the law." I was wholly legal in 
 all I did, not seeing the necessity, the security, the 
 glory of the gospel method of salvation, by " seeking 
 righteousness and strength in the Lord Christ alone." 
 4>. Self was the spring of all. My only aim was to 
 be saved, without any regard had to the glory of 
 the Lord, or any inquiry made, how it might be 
 consistent with it to save one who had so deeply 
 offended. In a word, all my religion was con- 
 strained, violent, selfish, legal, and anti-evangelical. 
 These, not to mention other things, were still 
 wrong. 
 
 Reflections upon the foregoing Exercise. 
 
 It will not be improper to review the preceding 
 exercise, and offer two or three observations. 
 
 The foregoing exercise affords me full confirma- 
 tion of many of the truths contested by the Pelagians 
 and others, concerning man's inability to good, and 
 the corruption of his nature. When I read and 
 hear their high-swelling words of vanity in com- 
 mendation of man, and in praise of his free-will to 
 God, his good inclinations; and when I hear spe- 
 cious-like arguments offered for proof of these no- 
 tions, I have no reason to be shaken. Will they 
 dispute me out of my senses ? May I not believe 
 the word ? or must I wrest and distort Scriptures, to 
 make places that appear unfavourable to free-will, 
 accord with these notions of it which some advance ? 
 Sure I am, if they will not allow Scripture to be its 
 own interpreter, it is safer, at least in these things 
 
121 
 
 that concern our own natural state, which conscience 
 may know, to admit experience to comment, rather 
 than reason, proceeding upon abstract notions : and 
 where Scripture and experience join, there we have 
 the fullest confirmation of the truths that are esta- 
 blished in the mouth of two such witnesses; the 
 last not only confirming, but illustrating the testi- 
 mony of the former. If they say, that their hearts 
 are no,t so perverse and ill-inclined, and that they 
 find inclinations to good in them, I cannot say so of 
 mine : yet, by the way, I must observe, that in their 
 practice they go seldom further, if so far as others, 
 who agree with me in owning their hearts so wicked, 
 their corruptions so strong, their wills depraved, and 
 set upon evil, that they can do nothing well-pleasing 
 to God. Now surely, if matters are as they repre- 
 sent them, they are far to blame. As for me, I 
 find more solid truth in that one Scripture, that tells 
 us, that " the heart is deceitful above all thino-s, 
 and desperately wicked," than in many volumes of 
 idle anti-scriptural notions, reared up on the subtle 
 arguings of men, whose eyes have never yet been 
 opened to see the plagues of their own hearts, and 
 who therefore run out in asserting such an ability 
 and power, and inclination to good in man, as neither 
 Scripture, nor the experience of such as have their 
 eyes in the least measure opened, admit of. How- 
 ever, if others will think that there are such good 
 inclinations in them, I must disavow my part in 
 them. Woful experience convinces me, and obliges 
 me to acknowledge, to my own shame, that I never 
 looked toward the Lord's way, save when he drew 
 f 11 
 
122 
 
 me : "I was as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke," 
 I never went longer in it than the force lasted. I 
 inclined to sit down, and sat indeed down at every 
 step : no great sign I had any heart to the way. I 
 never got up again, but when the Lord's power was 
 of new put forth. I all this while never went one 
 step but with a grudge : I frequently looked back 
 to Sodom; " I have been as a backsliding heifer." I 
 was grieved for what I left behind ; my heart clave 
 to what my light had the greatest opposition to. 
 Thus I was of them that rebel against the light ; I 
 often refused where the command was plainest. 
 When I was brought into a strait, I betook myself 
 rather to any shift than to Christ. Sin bit me, and 
 yet I loved it : my heart deceived me oft, and yet I 
 trusted in it rather than God. God dealt with me 
 in a way of kindness ; but when he spoke to me in 
 my prosperity, I would not hear : " He smote me, 
 and I went on frowardly." I never parted with any 
 sin till God beat and drave me from it, and hedged 
 in my way." Surely this looks like " the heart de- 
 ceitful above all things, and desperately wicked." 
 
 The foregoing exercise shows what a depth of 
 deceitfulness is in the heart of man. How many 
 shifts has my heart used to elude the design of all 
 these strivings of the Lord's Spirit with me ! What 
 strange shifts has the heart of man, and how many 
 are they ! I have named many, but the one half is 
 not told. All these shifts respect but one point in 
 religion. If one would undertake to give an account 
 of those deceits only which are more noted, with re- 
 spect to the whole of his walk and way, how many 
 
123 
 
 volumes might he write ! There is much true 
 divinity couched in that short Scripture, " The 
 heart is deceitful above all things, who can know 
 it ?" " Who can understand his errors ?" When 
 I, upon a review, remember so many, how many 
 more might I have noticed, if I had observed them 
 at the time, or soon after. And if so many may be 
 seen, how many secret, undiscernible, or at least un- 
 discerned deceits, are there ! 
 
 How far may we go in religion, and yet come 
 short ! Many things I seemed to have and do : I 
 " did many things, and heard gladly." I was " al- 
 most persuaded to be a Christian." " I seemed to 
 escape the pollutions that are in the world by the 
 knowledge of the truth." " I seemed enlightened, 
 and a partaker of the heavenly gift, and got some 
 tastes of the good word of God, and the powers of 
 the world to come." I underwent many changes, 
 and yet all the while was naught, defective as to the 
 main : " Many shall seek to enter in, and shall not 
 be able." " Not every one that says, Lord, Lord, 
 shall enter into the kingdom of God." 
 
 I cannot but look back with wonder to the asto- 
 nishing patience of God, that suffered my manners so 
 long, and the steadiness he showed in pursuing his 
 work, notwithstanding many provocations to desist, 
 
 " still working for his name's sake." All the Crea- 
 te 
 
 tion could not have afforded so much patience. The 
 disciples of Christ would have called for fire from 
 heaven. Yea, Moses, the meekest man on earth, 
 would have found more to irritate him here than at 
 Meribah. Glory to God, that we have to do with 
 f 2 
 
124 
 
 him, and not with man. " His ways are not our 
 ways : nor his thoughts ours. But as the heavens 
 are high above the earth, so are his ways and 
 thoughts of mercy above ours." 
 
 I must bear witness to the reasonableness of God's 
 way: For, 1. These things about which he awak- 
 ened my concern ; deliverance from wrath, eternal 
 salvation, and security respecting them, were such 
 as my own reason, upon the best attention, could not 
 but own worthy of the utmost and first concern. 
 He did not call me to vex myself about vanity, and 
 things of no importance. 2. The way he dealt with 
 me, was not destructive to the nature of my facul- 
 ties, but improved them. He enlightened my eyes, 
 to see what he would have me do, and he forced not 
 my will, but swayed it in a way suitable to its na- 
 ture, to a compliance, so far as I went. This was 
 not to force, but gently to bend the will to those 
 things to which it was really proper for it to incline. 
 3. He always observed the true order of the facul- 
 ties. He swayed the will, so far as it went in com- 
 pliance with his work, by sending forth his light into 
 the mind, that, in the true order of things, should 
 guide the understanding. 4. He carried me on to 
 consideration. He did not seek, as it were, to en- 
 tangle the affections, and by them carry my mind 
 away in a hurry, as sin and Satan are wont to do, 
 who guides sinners, as the Philistines did Samson ; 
 they first put out his eyes, and then made him grind 
 in their mill. 5. The Lord never obliged me to 
 part with any way, any sin, or refuge to which I be- 
 took myself, till he had let me see, that it was not 
 
125 
 
 only against my duty, but my true interest. 6. So 
 far as I complied with his call, I cannot say that his 
 way was fruitless, or that he was " a barren wilder- 
 ness, or a land of drought." The meanest and most 
 slender piece of compliance, wanted not its reward : 
 " Who is there among you that would shut the 
 doors for nought : neither do ye kindle fire on mine 
 altar for nought." Thus the Lord's work was 
 power, not force. He drew, but it was " with the 
 cords of love, and the bands of a man." He bid 
 me quit many things, but there were vain things that 
 were no bread: " Remember this, and show your- 
 selves men : bring it again to mind, O ye transgres- 
 sors. O house of Israel, are not my ways equal ? 
 Are not your ways unequal? Yet ye say, the way 
 of the Lord is not equal." 
 
 Though it was congruous to reason, yet it was a 
 work above the power of nature. I cannot ascribe 
 its rise or progress to myself; for it was what I 
 sought not, I thought not of, I liked not, yea, I 
 hated it, I feared, I avoided, I shifted it ; and when 
 all this would not do, I opposed it. For I was of 
 those that rebel against the light. I cannot ascribe 
 it to any outward means. There are many parts of 
 it which they did not reach. The most plausible 
 failed, the weakest wrought the effect. Neither 
 strong nor weak had always the like effect; but the 
 work was carried on by the secret indiscernible 
 power of Him who is like " the wind blowing where 
 it listeth." The work bears an impress of God in 
 all its steps; the word that awakened me was the 
 voice of him that makes the dead to hear; "that 
 
126 
 
 calleth things that are not as if they were." The 
 light that shone was the candle of the Lord search- 
 ing, yea, piercing into the hidden parts of the belly ; 
 tracing a deceitful and unsearchable heart through 
 all its turnings and windings. The work was that 
 of one who is every where, and who knows every 
 thing, and is of one mind, and so not to be turned; 
 who will not faint, nor be " discouraged till he have 
 brought forth judgment unto victory." The work 
 is uniform, though variously carried on through 
 many interruptions, over many oppositions, for a 
 long period of time, by means seemingly weak, im- 
 proper, and contrary, suitable only for him " whose 
 ways are in the sea, and whose paths are in the great 
 waters, and whose footsteps are not known." In a 
 word, it was a bush burning, and not consumed only 
 by the presence of God. It was a spark maintained 
 in the midst of an ocean, notwithstanding floods con- 
 tinually poured on it, to extinguish it. This flame 
 was maintained by oil secretly conveyed into it : 
 '• This is the Lord's doing; it is marvellous in our 
 eyes." 
 
127 
 
 PART III. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF THE PROGRESS OF THE LORD'S 
 WORK, FOR THE SPACE OF ABOUT THREE YEARS 
 ENSUING, FROM AUGUST 1696, TO JUNE 1699 ; 
 THE DREADFUL STRAIT TO WHICH I WAS AT LAST 
 BROUGHT, WITH MY DELIVERANCE, AND THE 
 STATE OF MATTERS WITH ME FOR SOME TIME 
 AFTER THIS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 An Account of the Progress of my Convictions, 
 Temptations, and vain Reliefs, from the time I 
 went to the Wemyss, till I was at the last brought 
 to this utmost extremity. 
 
 When I had studied philosophy three years, be- 
 ing interested in it, and somewhat puffed up with 
 what progress I had made, and designed and ex- 
 pected to make; though I must say, that still as 
 knowledge increased, self-conceit decreased; and I 
 apprehended I knew more the first year than ever I 
 thought I knew afterwards. Being thus prepared, 
 I designed to go abroad, and improve myself farther, 
 to which also I was advised; but two things pre- 
 vented this proposal, — my mother would not con- 
 sent; and the former exercise having brought me 
 
128 
 
 into bondage, through fear of death, I was afraid to 
 run the hazards I must run of my life, so long as I 
 was in so unsettled a case as to my soul's state : 
 wherefore, at the request of some friends, I consented 
 rather to engage as chaplain to a family for some 
 time. 
 
 Accordingly, in August 1696, I went to the 
 Wemyss. When I came there, a stranger amongst 
 strangers, and persons of considerable quality, by 
 my natural bashfulness, the sensoriousness of my 
 auditors, the publicity of the appearances I was ob- 
 liged to make, to which I had not been formerly ac- 
 customed, my want of good breeding, and the like, 
 I was, for a time, in a very great strait, forced to 
 retirement, and to petition for help how to behave. 
 And though it was my own, not the Lord's honour 
 I designed and was concerned for, yet he that hears 
 the cry of the ravens, and would not overlook Ahab's 
 humiliation, and the Ninevites' repentance, did not 
 fail me in my straits, but helped, so far as was ne- 
 cessary, to maintain the respect due to the station I 
 was in, and to obtain kindness. 
 
 During the first half-year, or so, that I was here, 
 I was somewhat diverted from my principal work, 
 being obliged to study what was necessary for ac- 
 complishing me for converse in the world. But still 
 I held on, and the more difficulty I met with, I kept 
 the closer to the form of religion I had taken up. 
 Besides, my station now called and obliged me to 
 somewhat more. But leaving this, which is onlv 
 introductory, I proceed to that which is mainly and 
 only designed in this narrative. 
 
129 
 
 1 had not long been here, when I was often ne- 
 cessarily, and frequently without sufficient necessity, 
 engaged in debates about the truth of religion, the 
 divinity of the Scriptures, and the most important 
 doctrines delivered in them, by which I was drawn 
 to read the writings of Deists, and other enemies to 
 religion, that I might be acquainted with the argu- 
 ments by which those with whom I sometimes had 
 occasion to dispute opposed the truth. As to the 
 result of those arguments, with respect to others, I 
 shall here waive it, because others are concerned in 
 it ; only I may say, I found it true, " that foolish 
 questions, and genealogies, and contentions, and 
 strivings about the law, are unprofitable and vain." 
 For " evil men and seducers wax worse and worse, 
 deceiving, and being deceived." And " profane 
 and vain babblings do increase unto more ungodli- 
 ness." And to my sad experience I found, that 
 " their word doth eat, as doth a cancer," or gan- 
 grene. It is of an infectious and contagious nature ; 
 and therefore it is safest to shun and avoid them, 
 and follow the wise man's advice : " To forsake the 
 foolish, and live ;" and depart from " a foolish man, 
 when we perceive not in him the lips of knowledge ;" 
 and " cease from the instruction that causes to err 
 from the word of knowledge." 
 
 This was of very dangerous consequence to me, 
 and could not prove otherwise to one in my case : 
 For, 1. I was not " rooted and grounded in the 
 truth," being neither notionally instructed in the 
 authority on which the Scriptures are received, nor 
 acquainted practically with its power, and so was 
 f3 
 
130 
 
 naked of that " armour of light," that is necessary 
 toward a conflict with such enemies. 2. The power 
 of that enmity and darkness, which incline the vain 
 mind of man to reject and carp at the truths of God, 
 as foolishness, still remained unsubdued ; and so I 
 was, " as the children who are tossed to and fro by 
 every wind of doctrine." 3. The objections I found 
 started were many, struck at the foundations — were 
 new, and surprising to one who was so unsettled; 
 and were dressed up by the sleight and cunning crafti- 
 ness of them who " lie in wait to deceive." 4. I 
 was not acquainted with that watchfulness, vigilance, 
 and humble sobriety, that was necessary to prevent 
 Satan's gaining any advantage. 5. Satan, on this, 
 finding so fair an occasion, did not let it slip ; for he 
 goes about, seeking such seasons ; and finding things 
 thus, he improved it to my great disquietude. 
 
 The adversary finding all things thus prepared, 
 set on me furiously, and employed many against me. 
 1. He wrought up the natural atheism, darkness and 
 enmity of my heart, to vent itself against the truths 
 of religion, in foolish inquiries, " Is it so ?" " How 
 can these things be?" And what authority hast 
 thou, since thou requirest such things ? 2. He em- 
 ployed some who had all advantages, and were the 
 most likely to prevail, persons smooth, sober, and 
 who opposed the rational arguments; such, some- 
 times, the devil makes use of, who seem themselves 
 " not far from the kingdom of God," like the Scribes 
 who answered and questioned our Lord civilly, whose 
 " words are smoother than butter, while war is in 
 their heart." And these are usually more preva- 
 
131 
 
 lent; for with their " fair speeches, they deceive the 
 hearts of the simple." 3. He himself acted some- 
 times the subtle serpent, putting and suggesting 
 subtle queries, " Hath God said so?" And some- 
 times he threw in fiery darts, to inflame and disorder 
 me. Thus I found, when I was alone, when I was 
 in prayer, and most serious, hellish oaths, and griev- 
 ous blasphemous suggestions, cast forcibly into my 
 mind, which made me tremble. No wonder he 
 should deal so with me, when he impudently sug- 
 gested, to " him in whom he had nothing," such 
 blasphemous proposals, as that of " falling down to 
 worship him." 
 
 By all these ways he assaulted me, and I was 
 grievously tossed about with all the truths of religion. 
 1. The being of God was again brought in question: 
 the enemy said daily, " Where is thy God?" And 
 the atheism of my heart said also, " There is no 
 God, and who is the Lord ?" I was assaulted about 
 his providence, and all the disorders of the world 
 were urged to my great disturbance : " As for me, 
 my feet were almost gone ; my steps had well nigh 
 slipped. The ungodly prosper in the world, they 
 increase in riches, and therefore his people return 
 thither ; waters of a full cup are wrung out to them : 
 and they say, How doth God know ? And is there 
 knowledge in the most High ?" 3. I was assaulted 
 as to the truth of the word, and many ways troubled 
 about it ; when I read, when I thought about it, I 
 was sometimes plied hard with grievous suggestions. 
 The want of sufficient evidence was complained of: 
 " What sign showest thou, then, that we may see 
 
132 
 
 and believe thee? What dost thou work?" At 
 other times it was blamed, one while of obscurity, 
 " How loner dost thou make us doubt ? If thou be 
 the Christ, tell us plainly." And anon another sug- 
 gestion was put in against some passages as hard : 
 " This is a hard saying, who can hear it ?" When 
 this took not, it was accused in some places of plain 
 blasphemy : " He hath spoken blasphemy. Ye have 
 heard his blasphemy." It was blamed as contradic- 
 tory to itself: " We have heard out of the law, that 
 Christ abideth for ever; and how sayest thou, The 
 Son of man must be lifted up ?" Its promises were 
 called in question : " Where is the promise of his 
 coming ?" As were also its threats : " Every 
 vision faileth." " Behold they say unto me, Where 
 is the word of the Lord ? Let it come now." Thus 
 was I daily perplexed, insomuch that it was a terror 
 sometimes, for fear of these suggestions, to me to look 
 into the Bible. 4. The mystery of the gospel was 
 particularly set upon, and represented as foolishness, 
 as setting up new gods ; and oft was I put to answer, 
 " How can these things be ?" 
 
 The subtle enemy, who had often sol' cited me to 
 high thoughts of myself, now when »c found it for 
 his purpose, urged upon me mean thoughts of my- 
 self, and pressed me to a bastard sort of humility. 
 He often whispered me in the ear, It is vain for you 
 to expect to rid yourself of these difficulties, when 
 so many learned men who have studied the point 
 with so much care, and who were far more capable to 
 discern the truth, cannot reach satisfaction, but have 
 rejected them : " Have any of the rulers, or the 
 
133 
 
 Pharisees believed on him? But this people who 
 knoweth not the law, are cursed." 
 
 By this I was brought into grievous perplexity, 
 and many sad agitations : " My tears have been my 
 meat day and night, while they continually say unto 
 me, Where is thy God? But still I tried wrong 
 courses. 1. I attempted by my own reasonings to 
 relieve myself, " I thought to know this." 2. 
 When this failed, I bought and read books written 
 about the truth of religion. This indeed, had it 
 been kept in its own place, was allowable and useful. 
 But I expected more than I had reason to look for, 
 and as I used it, this was only the fruit of unbelief, 
 and a vain course, running to Ashur, sending to 
 Egypt. 3. 1 wished for visions, voices, or some 
 extraordinary course : " Nay, but if one rise from 
 the dead, they will believe." 4. Wlien these 
 failed, with the sluggard, I sat down discouraged : 
 " The fool foldeth his hands together, and eateth 
 Iiis own flesh." 5. I sometimes betook myself to 
 prayer; but in this I desiderated success, not seek- 
 ing in the right way, nor to right ends. 
 
 But all these ways failed me: "I took counsel in 
 my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily. I said, 
 I will be wise ; but it was far from me. That which 
 is far off, and exceeding deep, who can find it out ?" 
 1. As to my own reasonings, they avail not against 
 him who esteems " iron as straw, and brass as rotten 
 Avood." " When I thought to know it, it was too 
 painful." It was labour in mine eyes. 2. As for 
 bocks they satisfied not as to the things they men- 
 tioned, and besides many of my scruples were such 
 
134 
 
 as were overlooked by them, so they proved physi- 
 cians of no value : " How profitable are right words ! 
 but what doth your arguing reprove?" 3. As to 
 extraordinary expectations, God justly rejected them : 
 " They have Moses and the prophets, and if they 
 will not believe them, neither would they believe 
 though one should rise from the dead." 4. My 
 sloth still increased my trouble ; that foolish poring 
 fretting my spirit, slew me : " The desire of the 
 sluggard killeth him, because his hands refuse to 
 work." 
 
 I would have quite sunk under the weight of 
 this trouble, and been swallowed up of sorrow, and 
 landed in despair, if its force had not been somewhat 
 abated by occasional considerations, that were by the 
 good hand of God, sometimes one way, sometimes 
 another, brought to my mind. 1. When the hell- 
 ish conclusions at which all these temptations aimed, 
 when renouncing of religion, rejecting the Scrip- 
 tures, &c. were urged, it was often seasonably sug- 
 gested, " To whom shall we go? Thou hast the 
 words of eternal life." The Lord powerfully con- 
 vinced, and kept the conviction strong on my mind, 
 that whenever I parted with revelation, I behoved to 
 give up with all prospect of certainty or satisfaction 
 about eternal life. What Deists told me of the 
 demonstrations of a future happiness built only upon 
 nature's light, had no weight with me, because I had 
 tried those long ago, and found them, to my appre- 
 hension, insufficient : and had they been sufficient, I 
 was not a whit the nearer satisfaction ; to tell me of 
 such a state, without any account of its nature, or 
 
135 
 
 the terms on which it is attainable, was all one as if 
 nothino- had been said about it. This created still 
 a dread of the conclusion in my mind; and still, 
 when I was solicited to quit the Scriptures, I re- 
 turned, " To whom shall I go to find the words of 
 eternal life?" 2. Upon a due observation of those 
 who were truly religious, I could not but look on 
 them, though their real worth I did not yet discern, 
 as the better part of mankind; and the Lord created 
 a dread in my soul of conclusions that involved the 
 charge of a lie in a matter of the greatest import- 
 ance against the better part of mankind : " If I 
 should speak thus, I would offend against the ge- 
 neration of thy children." The Lord opened mine 
 eyes to see the remarkable folly of those who aban- 
 doned revealed religion. Not to mention the im- 
 pious lives of the generality, I saw the more sober 
 sort guilty of unaccountable folly. The Scripture 
 tells them plainly, that if they have a desire to be 
 satisfied as to the truth of its pretensions, they must 
 walk in the way of its precepts to find it : " If any 
 man will do his will, he shall know this doctrine, if 
 it is of God, or if I speak of myself." But they 
 walk in direct contradiction to its precepts, and yet 
 complain of the want of evidence, while they refuse 
 to try that way wherein only it is to be found. 
 Again, some sober and learned, and otherwise in- 
 quisitive persons, acknowledge, that if we are either 
 cut off from hope, or left to uncertainty about a fu- 
 ture state of happiness, we are miserable; and that 
 they themselves are yet uncertain. While, after all 
 this has been confessed by them, and by some to 
 
136 
 
 myself, I saw them at little or no pains to be satis- 
 fied : " The scorner seeketh wisdom, and findeth it 
 not." Yea, I found this sort of persons much more 
 eager in searching after what might strengthen their 
 doubts, than what might satisfy them : this smell ed 
 rank of a hatred of lifjht. Now, I thought it was 
 not safe to follow those whom I saw so evidently 
 foolish, and who did so plainly proclaim their own 
 folly: "Evil men understand not judgment; but 
 they that seek the Lord understand all things." 
 This had that weight with me, that I now ceased to 
 wonder that such were unsatisfied about the truth of 
 religion, and that there was no ground of doubting 
 its truth, because they are unsatisfied. 4. The 
 shining evidence of the power of religion in the lives, 
 but more especially in the deaths of the martyrs, of 
 whom I had formerly read, often stayed me as to 
 this, that there is a reality in religion, when I was 
 driven from all other holds : " They were tortured, 
 not accepting deliverance, that they might obtain a 
 better resurrection." Here I was obliged to own 
 the finger of God, especially when I considered their 
 numbers, their quality, and all circumstances. 5. 
 The known instances of the power of religion in 
 children in their tender years, was sometimes of 
 great use, and appeared of great weight. It checked 
 the force of temptations that drove me to doubt of 
 the reality of religion : " Thus, out of the mouth of 
 babes and sucklings the Lord ordained strength, and 
 in some measure stilled the enemy and the avenger." 
 6. The sensible and violent opposition I found Satan 
 making to the Scriptures in all the fore-mentioned 
 
137 
 
 ways, was often strengthening, and persuaded me in 
 some measure, that there behoved to be a reality in 
 religion, for I could not see what could induce him 
 thus to oppose it, if it were a cheat : "Is Satan di- 
 vided?" 7. I got frequent touches in the way of 
 conviction ; and thus finding the power and piercing 
 virtue of the word making " manifest the secrets of 
 my heart, I was forced to fall down, and own God 
 to be in it of a truth." 8. Satan sometimes de- 
 parted, and left me for a season, and then I had 
 some intermission of my sore trouble. 9. I found 
 a secret hope begot and cherished, I could not tell 
 how, at some seasons, even amidst the violence of 
 temptations, that I should be satisfied, and " that I 
 should yet have good cause to praise God, and that 
 what " I knew not now, I should know hereafter ;" 
 which was strengthened by the consideration of what 
 others had met with, who had been visited with tempt- 
 ations that were somewhat like mine; although I 
 doubted if ever in all respects any had been so 
 molested as I, and if there was " any sorrow like 
 unto mine." Yea, sometimes I was made to hope, 
 that Satan's raging foreboded that his time was but 
 short. 
 
 As, by these and the like means, the force of the 
 temptation was somewhat broken, so I was encou- 
 raged to several things in which I have reason to own 
 God was kind to me, in keeping me to them. 1. 
 Hereby I was engaged to hold on in an attend- 
 ance, with more concern in duties of religion, public, 
 private, and secret; and so to wait at Wisdom's 
 door-post, of which afterwards I found the advantage. 
 
138 
 
 2. Hereby I was enabled to conceal all ray own 
 straits from others, who, thereby might either have 
 been stumbled or hardened in their evil way. I was 
 unwilling others should know any thing that might 
 disgust them at religion : " Tell it not in Gath, — 
 lest the daughters of the uncircumcised triumph." 
 In conversing with such as were shaken, I still en- 
 deavoured to stand for the truth, as if I had been 
 under no doubt about it ; and I must own, that while 
 I did so, the Lord often countenanced me, and satis- 
 fied me, about what I had formerly been disquieted : 
 How good a master is God. A word spoken for 
 him is not lost; nor will he suffer the least service 
 to pass unrewarded. A heathen Cyrus must have 
 his hire ; and so must Nebuchadnezzar. 
 
 Before I leave this, I must observe some things 
 which the Lord taught me by this exercise. 1. I 
 hereby learned the danger and vanity of reasoning 
 with Satan. When I begun to answer him with 
 my own reasonings, he had still great advantage ; he 
 easily evaded all my arguments, and easily repelled 
 my answers, and enforced his suggestions ; and when 
 his suggestions were to be maintained in point of 
 argument, he injected them with that impudent vio- 
 lence that I was not able to stand against them. 
 Our safest course is to resist, to hold at a distance, 
 and to avoid communing with him. 2. I must ob- 
 serve likewise the wise providence of God, that the 
 greatest difficulties that lie against religion are hid 
 from Atheists. All the objections I met with in 
 their writings were not near so subtle as those which 
 were often suggested to me. The reason of it, 
 
139 
 
 from the nature of the thing, is obvious : such per- 
 sons take not a near-hand view of religion ; and while 
 persons stand at a distance, neither the difficulties 
 nor the advantages that attend it are discerned. 
 Again, Satan finding all things quiet with them, 
 keeps all so; and finding that they are easily en- 
 snared, he uses not force. It is where he is in dan- 
 ger of losing a person that he uses his utmost ef- 
 forts; when Christ is ready to cast him out, then 
 he rages, and tears poor souls. Besides, the Lord, 
 in his infinite wisdom, permits not all these hellish 
 subtleties to be published, in tenderness to the faith 
 of the weak. He that sets bounds to the raging of 
 the sea, and says, " Hitherto shalt thou come, and 
 here shall thy proud waves be stayed," keeps Satan 
 under chains, and he cannot step beyond his permis- 
 sion. 
 
 This exercise had several effects upon me. 1. 
 The fears I was brought under fixed a deeper sense 
 of my frailty in general on me, and that I was but 
 a man: " Put them in fear, that the nations may 
 know themselves to be but men, Selah." 2. By 
 this the Lord withheld me from my vain projections 
 about learning. Now I was so far from expecting, 
 as some time I had done, that I feared 1 should fall 
 short of what was absolutely needful to my own well- 
 being : " I said, I will be wise ; but it was far from 
 me." 3. Whereas I was educated with an eye to 
 the ministry, and aimed that way; now I came to 
 see the difficulty, and repented my rash intentions; 
 and laid down a resolution to look no more that way, 
 unless the Lord satisfied me fully about those truths 
 
140 , 
 
 of which I now doubted; I could not without horror 
 think of speaking to others what I believed not ray- 
 self. 4. My bondage, " through fear of death," 
 was increased and grew stronger. 5. I was urged 
 to somewhat more of closeness in the performance of 
 duty, though often I was urged to give it over as 
 vain ; yet I still resolved to hold on in it. 6. I was 
 still more and more confirmed in the necessity of 
 further evidence for the truth of religion, than I 
 either had attained, or knew how to attain. 
 
 All this while I was under various inconveniences, 
 that increased my trouble, and gave advantage to my 
 corruptions. 1. Most of the conversation I had was 
 with such as helped forward my trouble. I was a 
 companion of fools, and so nigh to destruction : 
 " For he that walks with the wise shall be wise, but 
 a companion of fools shall be destroyed." 2. I had 
 no friend to whom I could, with freedom, and with 
 any prospect of satisfaction, impart my mind : " Woe 
 to him that is alone when he falleth, for he hath not 
 another to help him up." 3. Endeavours to con- 
 ceal entirely my concern and trouble, broke me : 
 " When I kept silence, my bones waxed old." 4. I 
 was laid aside from my studies, and had no diver- 
 sion, nor could follow any ; I had a heart to nothing; 
 could not read, except that sometimes I read the 
 Scriptures, or some other practical book. Unless 
 when there was an intermission of my trouble, for 
 near a year and a half I read very little ; and this 
 slothful posture laid me open to temptations, and 
 made corruptions grow stronger : " I went by the 
 field of the slothful, and by the vineyard of the man 
 
141 
 
 void of understanding; and lo, it was all grown over 
 with thorns, and nettles had covered the face thereof. 
 And the stone-wall thereof was broken down." 
 
 On this account, my corruption took vent several 
 ways: 1. In vain and slothful desires: " I desired 
 and had not." 2. In foolish contrivances and 
 searches, how to ease my smart : " I communed with 
 my own heart upon my bed, and my spirit made 
 diligent search," but without a due eye to the Lord. 
 3. I spent my time in foolish complaints that dispi- 
 rited me ; I complained, and my spirit was over- 
 whelmed. 4. I was sometimes at cursing the day 
 of my birth, wishing that I had never been born, or 
 that I had died as soon as born : " Why died I not 
 from the womb ? Why did I not give up the ghost 
 when I came out of the belly?" 5. I wished often 
 that I had been in other circumstances, and that I 
 had been bred to the plough, or some such employ- 
 ment, and that I might have in the desert a cottage, 
 " a place of way-faring men," where I might give 
 myself to continual grief. 6. My spirit sometimes 
 rose in quarrellings against God : " I thought on 
 God, and was troubled. I said, Wherefore do 1 
 cry, and thou dost not hear me ?" And frequently 
 I was not far from that, " Wilt thou always be to 
 me as a liar, and waters that fail ?" 
 
 After I had thus wearied myself; after the edge 
 and violence of the temptations above-mentioned 
 was by the considerations formerly narrated blunted 
 and somewhat broke, rather than removed ; and, 
 eased by Satan's departure for a season, I inclined 
 to rest : and Satan, on this, finding matters prepared 
 for an assault, he made fresh attempts in another and 
 
142 
 
 no less disquieting manner: " When the unclean 
 spirit is gone out of a man, he walketh through dry 
 places, seeking rest, and finding none. Then he 
 saith, I will return to my house from whence I came 
 out; and when he cometh, he findeth it empty, 
 swept, and garnished. Then goeth he, and taketh 
 with him seven other spirits, more wicked than him- 
 self, and they enter in and dwell there : and the last 
 state of that man is worse than the first." 
 
 The devil cannot be at rest, where he hath no 
 mischief to do to men. The devil so leaveth none 
 but he will be attempting to come to them again ; 
 and he ordinarily succeeds, where Christ hath not 
 prepossessed the soul. All other reformation proves 
 but a sweeping and a garnishing, while the soul is 
 empty of Christ. It may be swept from the filth of 
 flagitious sins, and garnished with the paint of reli- 
 gion, or some habits of moral virtue ; but none of 
 these will keep out the devil. Thus I found it to 
 my cost. For, 1. Satan finding my soul, after all 
 my sad tossings, empty of Christ, returned. 2. 
 And my soul being like the " vineyard of the slug- 
 gard," by sloth, defenceless, without its stone wall, 
 he easily found opportunity to sow tares, and, while 
 I slept, to cultivate the thorns and nettles which 
 naturally grow there. 3. It was no hard matter to 
 persuade one so wearied, that " rest was good," and 
 that " there was a lion in the way." And, 4. Hav- 
 ing thus possession and quiet abode with his " seven 
 other spirits, (my own corruptions,) he quickly made 
 my last state worse than my first." My " enemies 
 grew strong and lively ; my corruptions began vigor- 
 ously to exert themselves." 
 
143 
 
 Upon which the Lord, minding his own work, 
 brought the ministry of the word, the law in its spi- 
 ritual meaning, nearer. And then, 1. " Sin re- 
 vived, and I died." I found more descernibly the 
 stirrings of corruptions. Yea, 2. " Sin taking oc- 
 casion from the commandment," and being fretted 
 by the light let into my soul from the word, " it 
 wrought in me all manner of concupiscence." Lusts 
 of all sorts, self, sloth, formality, &c. strove to main- 
 tain their own place. 3. Hereby I was plunged in 
 deeper guilt : " Mine iniquities went over my head." 
 And, 4. Hereby my compunctions were sharpened, 
 and I found " no rest in my bones," for the sins 
 that I had done. 
 
 Under this distress, I still, as formerly, sought to 
 other physicians, rather than to the Lord. For, 1. 
 Having now, by the knowledge of the truth, 
 " escaped the pollutions of the world ;" my exercise 
 was much about the more secret actings of sin, and 
 its workings in the heart ; and as to these, I some- 
 times used extenuations and excuses, taken from the 
 strength of the temptations I lay under, and other 
 considerations of that sort ; and sometimes this was 
 done, not without secret reflections on God. This 
 was Adam's way : " The woman whom thou gavest 
 me to be with me, she gave me, and I did eat." 
 2. Sometimes, after my engagements and vows, and 
 breaches of them, when I found conscience disturb 
 me, I began to inquire, whether the things were sin, 
 and endeavoured to persuade myself, that some 
 which were most disturbing were none. Thus, 
 " after vows I made inquiry." 3. I at last, when 
 
144 
 
 all these means failed, again said, I will not trans- 
 gress, and made new vows and resolutions, accom- 
 panied with sorrow for my former breaches, and so- 
 lemnly bound myself against my sins, — those that 
 predominated : " Then Pharaoh called for Moses 
 and Aaron in haste, and said, 1 have sinned against 
 the Lord your God, and against you. Now there- 
 fore forgive, I pray thee, my sin only this once." 4. 
 I set apart time for fasting and prayer in secret : 
 and November 23, 1697, on a time set apart for 
 prayer, I drew up a short account of my treacherous 
 dealing with God from my youth up, and solemnly 
 bound myself to God to walk in his ways : and when 
 my own heart told me, that I could not serve the 
 Lord, I said, " Nay, but 1 will serve the Lord." 
 
 But all these proved physicians of no value. For 
 I found, 1. That they were not able to keep me 
 longer from sin than till a temptation came in mv 
 way. Whenever this appeared, corruption, that 
 had been so far from being really weakened by all 
 those inventions, that it really grew in strength, 
 broke down all that I had set in its way : " Of old 
 time I have broken thy yoke, and burst thy bands ; 
 and thou saidst, I will not transgress : when upon 
 every high hill, and under every green tree, thou 
 wanderedst, playing the harlot." 2. I found those 
 vain methods I took to smother convictions were not 
 able to procure me peace, but really increased my 
 inward disquiet, and wasted my spirits : " When I 
 kept silence, (that is, when I sinfully endeavoured 
 to suppress my guilt and trouble,) my bones waxed 
 old, through my roaring all the day long." 3. The 
 
145 
 
 Lord in mercy gave me no rest in any of these in- 
 ventions, but suffered me to weary myself in seeking 
 my lovers, that I might at length betake myself to 
 him. For so long as I followed these methods, 
 " day and night his hand lay heavy upon me : my 
 moisture was turned into the drought of summer." 
 
 Though hitherto I failed of a right issue, yet I 
 was carried a great length in compliance with con- 
 victions. I kept myself from open pollutions ; I 
 was careful in duties of worship; yea, further, I was 
 much in secret ; I received " the word with joy ;" I 
 had often convictions for secret pride, unbelief, and 
 other spiritual heart evils, and, as to the knowledge 
 of them, was considerably enlightened. I fasted, 
 prayed, mourned, in secret; I resolved and strove 
 against sin, even my peculiar sins that I loved best. 
 Thus I had with others " a name to live ;" and took 
 up a form of religion. 
 
 Yet for all this I was a stranger to its power, 
 which the following evidences sufficiently manifest ; 
 for whatever lengths I went, yet, 1. I was a stranger 
 to the glorious and blessed relief, through the im- 
 putation of the righteousness of Christ : not that I 
 had not some notions of this ; for I professed to em- 
 brace it. But really I was in the dark, as to its 
 glorious efficacy, tendency, and design. I was all 
 the while ignorant of " the righteousness of God." 
 2. Still in all this the " eye was not single." It 
 was only the saving of myself, without any eye to 
 the Lord's glory I designed. 3. It was still by 
 some righteousness of my own, in whole or in part, 
 that I sought relief. No wonder peace was un- 
 g 11 
 
146 
 
 stable, that stood upon so weak a foundation. 4. 
 Though I was, by the force of convictions, brought 
 to part with my beloved sins, or consent to their 
 destruction; yet it was neither without reluctance, 
 nor without some secret reserve. It was like Pha- 
 raoh's consent in the like case, when his servants 
 persuaded him of the danger of his persisting in his 
 sin : " Moses and Aaron were brought back again 
 to Pharaoh : and he said unto them, Go, serve the 
 Lord your God : but who are they that shall go ?" 
 5. My heart was utterly averse to spirituality; some- 
 times, through the force of convictions, 1 was in- 
 deed brought for some time to aim at getting my 
 mind fixed upon heavenly things, and kept on the 
 thoughts of them ; but my heart being yet carnal, I 
 wearied of this bent, and of this forcible religion : 
 and it was intolerable to think of being always spi- 
 ritual: " The carnal mind is enmity against God, is 
 not subject to the law of God, nor can it indeed be." 
 By these means I was at last brought to an ex- 
 tremity: For, 1. My " sins were set in order be- 
 fore me." " Innumerable evils compassed me 
 about ; mine iniquities have taken hold upon me, so 
 that I am not able to look up. They are more than 
 the hairs upon my head; therefore my heart faileth 
 me." 2. They were set in order in the dreadfulness 
 of their nature and aggravations, and all shifts, exte- 
 nuations, pleas, and defences were rejected, and my 
 mouth stopped before God. 3. All the vain me- 
 thods I had taken for my relief, baffled my expecta- 
 tion, and increased mv pains: they were " the staff 
 of a broken reed," they pierced my arm, when I 
 
147 
 
 attempted to lean upon them ; and I was ashamed, and 
 even confounded, that I had hoped. 4. The wrath 
 of God took possession of my soul, and " the poison 
 of his arrows drank up my spirits." 5. I was 
 as yet unsanctified to the truths of religion, and 
 mine enemies often told me, that even " in God 
 there was no succour for me." Yea, 6, At some- 
 times, Satan, to entangle me more, assaulted all the 
 truths of religion at once, and then I was dreadfully 
 confounded, when the Lord commanded that mine 
 enemies should be round about me : and " they com- 
 passed me about like bees." 7. All the ways I 
 took to bear down my corruptions proved of no avail : 
 for " sin revived, and I died ;" yea, " taking occasion 
 by the commandment, it slew me." 
 
 By the extremity of this anguish, I was, for some 
 time, about the close of 1697, and beginning of 
 1698, dreadfully cast down. 1 was weary of my 
 life. Often did I use Job's words, " I loathe it, I 
 would not live always." And yet I was afraid to 
 die : I had no rest, " my sore run in the night, and 
 it ceased not in the day." " At night 1 wished for 
 day; and in the day I wished for night." I said, 
 " My couch shall comfort me." But then darkness 
 was as the " shadow of death." When I was in 
 this case, I was often brought to the brink of de- 
 spair. He filled me with bitterness; he made me 
 drunk with wormwood. " He broke all my teeth 
 with gravel-stor.es ; he covered me with ashes. He 
 removed my soul far from peace : I forgat prosperity. 
 And I said, My strength and my hope is perished 
 from the Lord : remembering mine affliction and 
 g2 
 
148 
 
 my misery, the wormwood and the gall. My soul 
 had them still in remembrance, and was bowed in 
 me." Now, I was made to think it a wonder that 
 I was not consumed ; and though I dreaded destruc- 
 tion from the Almighty, yet I could not but justify 
 him if he had destroyed me: " Righteous is the 
 Lord, for I have rebelled." I was made to fear 
 that the Lord would make me a W Magor-missabib, 
 a terror to myself," and all round about; and that 
 he would make some dreadful discovery of my 
 wickedness, that would make me a reproach to reli- 
 gion, and give the enemies advantage, which put 
 me upon the Psalmist's prayer : " Deliver me from 
 all my transgressions ; make me not the reproach of 
 the foolish." I was made to wonder that I was not 
 already cut off. And indeed this was something 
 reviving : " It is of the Lord's mercies that we are 
 not consumed, because his compassions fail not. 
 This I recall to my mind ; therefore have I hope." 
 But this hope was easily clouded. It amounted to 
 no more than this : " Who can tell but he may be 
 gracious." And to this my fearful heart suggested 
 the greatness of my sins, as what were above the 
 reach of pardoning mercy. And Satan daily urged 
 me to give over, and take some desperate course, to 
 say, " There is no hope." Thus I walked about, 
 dejected, weary, and heavy laden, weary of my dis- 
 ease, and weary of the vain methods I had taken for 
 relief, and uncertain what to do, what course to 
 take : " I took counsel in my soul, having sorrow in 
 my heart daily." 
 
149 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 An Account of the Relief I got about the close of 
 January 1698, and the state of matters thereon. 
 
 If this extremity had lasted much longer, my 
 soul had sunk under the weight of it, and even that, 
 while I was in this case, had ruined me, if the Lord 
 had not secretly supported me in time of the greatest 
 extremity, and, as it were, held me by the hand, even 
 while I acted most wickedly : " So foolish was I, and 
 ignorant ; I was as a beast before thee. Neverthe- 
 less, thou hast holden me by my right hand." And 
 at this extremity, the Lord interposed ; when I had 
 destroyed myself, he let me see help in him. He 
 found me lying wallowing in my blood, in a helpless 
 and hopeless condition. I had none that would, or 
 could save me. 1 was forsaken of all my lovers. I 
 was caught in the thicket. I was quite overcome ; 
 neither was I in a case to fight or flee. And then 
 the Lord passed by me, cast his skirt over me, and 
 made this " time a time of love." " And Abraham 
 called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh ; as it is, 
 said to this day, In the mount of the Lord it shall 
 be seen." 
 
 I cannot be very positive about the day or hour of 
 this deliverance, nor can I answer many other ques- 
 tions about the way and manner of it. But this is 
 of no consequence, if the work is in substance sound : 
 For " the wind bloweth where it listeth, and thou 
 
150 
 
 hearest the sound thereof, but canst not tell whence 
 it cometh, and whither it goeth : so is every one 
 that is born of the Spirit." Many things about the 
 way and manner we may be ignorant of, while we 
 are sufficiently sure of the efFects. As to these 
 things, I must say with the blind man, " I know 
 not : one thing I know, that, whereas I was blind, 
 now I see." 
 
 However, it was towards the close of January, or 
 the beginning of February, 1698, that this season- 
 able relief came; and, so far as I can remember, I 
 was at secret prayer in very great extremity, not far 
 from despair, when the Lord seasonably interposed, 
 and gave this merciful turn to affairs : " When I 
 said, My foot slippeth, thy mercy held me up." 
 And when there was none to save, then his own arm 
 brought salvation." " God, who commanded the 
 light to shine out of darkness, shined into my mind, 
 to give the light of the knowledge of his glory in the 
 face of Jesus Christ." 
 
 That which yielded me this relief, was a discovery 
 of the Lord, as manifested in the word. He said 
 to me, " Thou hast destroyed thyself, but in me is 
 thy help." Now the Lord discovered, in the manner 
 afterwards to be mentioned, several things of which 
 I shall here take notice. 1. He let me see, that 
 " there is forgiveness with him, that with him there 
 is mercy and plenteous redemption." " He made 
 all his goodness pass before me, and he proclaimed 
 his name the Lord, the Lord God, merciful and 
 a'racious, lon£-suftcrino■, and abundant in goodness 
 and truth, keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving 
 
151 
 
 iniquity, transgression, and sin, who will be gracious 
 to whom he will be gracious, and will show mercy 
 to whom he will show mercy." This was a strange 
 sight to one who before looked on God only as " a 
 consuming fire," which I could not " see and live." 
 2. He brought me from Sinai and its thunderings, 
 " to mount Zion, and to the Mediator of the new 
 covenant, and to the blood of sprinkling that cleanseth 
 from all sin, and speaks better things than the blood 
 of Abel." He revealed Christ in his glory : I now 
 with wonder " beheld his glory as the glory of the 
 only-begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth ;" 
 and I was on this made to say, " Thou art fairer than 
 the sons of men." 3. On this he let me see, that he 
 who had before rejected all that I could offer, was well 
 pleased in the beloved. " Sacrifice and offering 
 thou didst not desire ; mine ears hast thou opened : 
 burnt-offering and sin-offering hast thou not required. 
 Then said I, Lo, I come : in the volume of the book 
 it is written of me, I delight to do thy will, O my 
 God." 4. Hereby I was further fully satisfied, 
 that not only there was forgiveness of sins, and jus- 
 tification by free grace, " through the redemption 
 that is in Jesus ; whom God hath set forth to be a 
 propitiation, through faith in his blood, to declare 
 his righteousness for the remission of sins that are 
 past, through the forbearance of God :" but more- 
 over, I saw with wonder and delight, in some mea- 
 sure, how God by this means might be just in justi- 
 fying even the ungodly who believe in Jesus. How 
 was I ravished with delight, when made to see, that 
 the God in whom a little before I thought there. 
 
152 
 
 was no hope for me, or any sinner in my case, if 
 there was any such; notwithstanding his spotless 
 purity, his deep hatred of sin, his inflexible justice 
 and righteousness, and his untainted faithfulness, 
 pledged in the threatenings of the law, might not 
 only pardon, but without prejudice to his justice, or 
 other attributes, be just in justifying even the un- 
 godly ! The reconciliation of those seemingly in- 
 consistent attributes with one another, and sinners' 
 salvation, quite surprised and astonished me. And, 
 5. The Lord further opened the gospel call to me, 
 and let me see, that to me, even to me, was " the 
 word of this salvation sent." All this was offered 
 to me, and I was invited secretly to come, and 
 " take of the water of life freely ;" and to come in 
 my distress unto this blessed rest : " Come to me, 
 all ye that are weary and heavy laden, and ye shall 
 find rest for your souls." 6. He, to my great satis- 
 faction, gave me a pleasant discovery of his design 
 in the whole, that it was " that no flesh might glory 
 in his sight," but that he who glories, should have 
 occasion only " to glory in the Lord," that he might 
 manifest the riches of his grace, and be exalted 
 in showing mercv; and that we at last might be 
 saved, " to the praise of the glory of his grace, who 
 made us accepted in the beloved." 7. The Lord 
 revealed to my soul that full and suitable provi- 
 sion made in this way against the power of sin, 
 that as there is righteousness in him, so there is 
 strength, even " everlasting strength in the Lord 
 Jehovah," to secure me against all my enemies ; and 
 that in him there is sweet provision made against 
 
153 
 
 the guilt of sin, in which, through the power of 
 temptation, his people may be inveigled : " These 
 things write I to you, that ye sin not: but if any man 
 sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus 
 Christ the righteous : and he is the propitiation for 
 our sins; and not for ours only, but also for the 
 sins of the whole world." 8. When this strange dis- 
 covery was made of a relief, wherein full provision 
 was made for all the concerns of God's glory, and 
 my salvation in subordination thereto, my soul was 
 by a glorious and sweet power carried out to rest in 
 it, as worthy of God, and every way suitable and 
 satisfying in my case : " They that know his name 
 will put their trust in him." 
 
 All these discoveries were conveyed to me only 
 by the word. It was not indeed by one particular 
 testimony or promise of the word, but by the con- 
 curring light of a great many of the promises and 
 testimonies of the word seasonably set home, and 
 most plainly expressing the truths above-mentioned. 
 The promises and truths of the word, in great abun- 
 dance and variety, were brought to remembrance; 
 and the wonders contained in them were set before 
 mine eyes in the light of the word : « He sent his 
 word and healed me." « This was the rod of his 
 strength that made me willing." And it was the 
 plain word of salvation that I found to be the power 
 of God. I cannot positively say, that the particular 
 places above-mentioned were the words by which 
 these discoveries were conveyed to my soul ; but by 
 these or such like passages, and, I believe, by many 
 g3 
 
154 
 
 even of those mentioned promises and truths, were 
 the discoveries above-named made to me. 
 
 But it was not the word alone that conveyed the 
 discovery; for most of these passages by which I 
 was relieved, I had formerly in my distress read, and 
 thought upon, without finding any relief in them. — 
 But' now " the Lord sinned into my mind by them." 
 Formerly I was only acquainted with the letter which 
 profits not. But now the Lord's words were sprit 
 and life, " and in his light I saw light," God 
 opening mine " eyes to see wonders out of his law." 
 There was light in them, a burning light by them 
 shone into my mind, to give me, not merely some 
 notional knowledge, but " the light of the knowledge 
 of the glory of God, in the face of Jesus Christ." 
 And many differences I found betwixt the discoveries 
 now made, and the notions I formerly entertained of 
 the same truths. 1. It " shone from heaven." It 
 was not a spark kindled by my own endeavours, but 
 it shone suddenly about me, it came by the word of 
 God, a heavenly mean ; it opened heaven, and dis- 
 covered heavenly things, the glory of God, and it 
 led me up as it were to heaven. Its whole tendency 
 was heavenward. 2. It was a true light, giving 
 true manifestations of God, even the one true God, 
 and the one Mediator between God and man ; and 
 giving a true view of my estate with respect to God, 
 not according to the foolish conceits I had formerly 
 entertained, but as they are represented in the word. 
 3. It was a pleasant and sweet light : " Truly the 
 light is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the 
 
155 
 
 eyes to behold the sun." It had a heavenly satis- 
 faction in God attending it. It led to a pleasure 
 in the fountain whence it came. 4. It was a dis- 
 tinct and clear light, representing not only spiritual 
 things, but manifesting them in their glory, and in 
 their comely order; it put all things in their due 
 line of subordination to God, and gave distinct and 
 sweet views of their genuine tendency. 5. It was 
 a satisfying light, the soul rested in the discoveries it 
 made, and was satisfied, it could not doubt if what it 
 saw, or if the things were so as it represented them. 
 6. It was a quickening, refreshing, healing light ; 
 " when the Sun of Righteousness arose, there was 
 healing under his wings." It was like the summer's 
 sun, warming; in a word, it was " the light of life." 
 T. It was a great light : it made great and clear disco- 
 veries, by which it easily distinguished itself from 
 any former knowledge of these things I had attained. 
 S. It was a powerful light. It dissipated that thick 
 darkness that overspread my mind, and made all 
 those frightful temptations that had formerly dis- 
 turbed me, fly before it. When the Lord arose, 
 his enemies were scattered, and fled before his face. 
 9. It was composing: it did not, like a flash of 
 lightning, suddenly appear, and fill the soul only 
 with amazement and fear; but composed and quieted 
 my soul, and put all my faculties in a due posture, 
 as it were, and gave me the exercise of them. It 
 destroyed not, but improved my former knowledge. 
 These particulars might be explained, and further 
 amplified : but the nature of this narrative, and the 
 brevity designed in it, will not allow me to enlarge ; 
 
156 
 
 and I the more willingly stop here, and forbear to 
 give any larger account of my small experience of 
 this light; because I know that no words can ex- 
 press the notion that the weakest Christian, who has 
 his eyes opened, really has of its glory. The true 
 notion of light is not conveyed by the ear, " The 
 ear tries words, the mouth tastes meats;" but it is 
 the " eye that beholds the sun." No words can 
 convey a true notion of light to the blind. And 
 he that has eyes, at least while he sees it, will need 
 no words to describe it. It manifests itself, and 
 other things. It is like the " new name, that none 
 knows, save he who has it." And they who really 
 see, but because their light is weaker, and Satan 
 raises mists to obscure it, will be more capable of 
 judging of it by its effects, than by any accounts of 
 its nature. Therefore I shall forbear to speak any 
 more of that, and now proceed to account for the 
 effects by which its reality, and difference from for- 
 mer light, will more obviously, evidently, and con- 
 vincingly appear. However, at least while this 
 shining brightness lasted, this one thing it convinced 
 me fully of, and made me certainly know, " that 
 whereas I was blind, now I see." 
 
 The first discernible effect of this discovery was, 
 an approbation of God's way of saving sinners by 
 Jesus Christ, to the praise of the glory of his grace, 
 which I take to be the true scriptural notion of jus- 
 tifying faith ; for this not only answers to the scrip- 
 ture descriptions of it, by receiving, coming to him, 
 looking to him, trusting and believing in him, &c. 
 but it really gives him that glory, that he designed 
 
157 
 
 by all this contrivance, the glory of his wisdom, 
 grace, mercy, and truth. Now, this discovery of 
 the Lord's name, brought me to trust in him, and 
 glory only in the Lord. I found my soul fully sa- 
 tisfied in these discoveries, as pointing out a way of 
 relief altogether, and in all respects suitable to the 
 need of a poor, guilty, self-condemned, self-destroyed 
 sinner, driven from all other reliefs, and who has his 
 mouth stopped before God, after he has spent all his 
 substance to no purpose upon other physicians. In 
 this I rested as a way full of peace, comfort, security, 
 and satisfaction, as provided abundantly for all those 
 ends I desired to have secured. And this appro- 
 bation was not merely for a fit, but ever after in all 
 temptations it discovered itself, 1. By keeping me 
 up in a fixed assent, and adherence of mind to, and 
 persuasion of this truth, " That God has given to 
 us eternal life, and this life is only in his Son." 
 2. When afterwards I was under temptations, soli- 
 cited to go away and seek relief in other ways, it 
 still kept me constant in a firm resolute rejection of 
 all other ways of relief, and renunciation of all pro- 
 posals that led to them, even when I found not the 
 present comfort of this way; I ever held at that 
 with Ephraim, " What have I any more to do with 
 idols ?" and with the disciples, I still said, " To 
 whom shall I go ? Thou hast the words of eternal 
 life." 3. In all my after-exercises about guilt, my 
 soul counted all things but loss, that it might win 
 Christ, and get a new discovery of him. When 
 conscience disturbed, when thoughts of an appear- 
 ance to judgment were suggested, whenever I was 
 
158 
 
 in a strait, this was the only sanctuary in which I 
 took relief: Let me " be found in him, not having 
 mine own righteousness" but his. If this is ob- 
 tained, I am safe; and nothing besides this could 
 make me think myself so. 4. Whenever the Lord 
 discovered anew the glory of this way, by a beam of 
 fresh light, whatever my distress was before, it still 
 composed all, commanded a calm, answered con- 
 victions, and gave me boldness and access to God, 
 with good hope, as to all other things, through 
 grace. Then " I rejoiced in Christ Jesus ;" and 
 nothing else was able to disturb me while this view 
 lasted. 5. Whenever I was wrong, yet I still rested 
 satisfied, that a discovery of the Lord in his own 
 light would set all right again. And therefore I 
 was ever at that, " O that I knew where I might 
 find him." I knew, though he might make sin 
 bitter, yet a manifestation of him "would put strength 
 in me," as formerly in sweet experience I had found. 
 6. I was then only pleased, and could never approve 
 myself, but when I found my soul in some measure 
 moulded into a compliance with the design of the 
 gospel, emptied of self, subjected to the Lord, and 
 careful to have him alone exalted. 
 
 The next remarkable effect of this discovery was, 
 that it set me right as to my chief end, in some mea- 
 sure, and make me look to the glory of God, which 
 formerly I had still, in all the courses I took for my 
 own ease, no real concern for. Now mine eye was 
 made in some measure single, in eyeing the Lord's 
 honour, which in this light was seen to be consistent 
 with my own happiness; and my regard to this, 
 
159 
 
 wherein that evangelical self-denial, which the Lord 
 everywhere calls for, consists, discovered itself amidst 
 all the struo , crlmG's which I afterward found of that 
 detestahle idol, self, for obtaining its former room. 
 1. It manifested itself in frequent desires, that the 
 Lord alone might be exalted and glorified in my 
 life, or by my death. 2. It kept my soul fixed in 
 the persuasion of this, that it was every way meet I 
 should take shame and confusion to myself, as what 
 truly and only belonged to me, and that the glory of 
 my salvation was only and entirely the Lord's due. 
 3. In a watchful observation of the stirrings, and the 
 most secret actings of self, seeking to advance itself 
 upon the ruin of the Lord's honour, and to the 
 prejudice of it ; and when I was not able to bear it 
 down, I still cried against it; yea, I redoubled my 
 cries in opposition to its impudent endeavours : " Not 
 unto us, Lord, not to us, but to thy name be the 
 glory." 4. I was brought to look upon it as the 
 principal enemy, on which I was always to have an 
 eye ; and, therefore, where the least occasion offered, 
 I had at least, when not otherwise out of case, still 
 a not I ready as a caution against it. 5. The re- 
 maining felt power and activity of this idol, still has 
 been one of my greatest grievances. 6. I never 
 was satisfied, nor found comfort, but where this idol 
 was discernibly kept under : and no victory is so re- 
 freshing, as what at any time is in more or less ob- 
 tained over this. 7. As the apostles, by the shining 
 of " the light of the knowledge of the glory of God 
 into their minds," were made to " preach, not them- 
 selves, but Christ Jesus, the Lord," so, whenever 
 
160 
 
 this light shone, according to the measure of its 
 clearness, and its continuance, the interest of self 
 was weakened in my soul, and I was made to " 6eek, 
 not myself, but Christ Jesus the Lord." 
 
 The evidence of this change was for some time 
 frequently darkened, by which I found, whenever I 
 was again, by the prevalence of sin, convictions thence 
 arising, or the Lord's hiding, brought under any 
 fears of my own salvation, then my thoughts were 
 engrossed, and as it were wholly and only taken up 
 about my own safety ; and my concern for the Lord's 
 glory not then appearing, I was thereby cast under 
 fears that I was altogether selfish : but the Lord at 
 length cleared up this case to me. Our minds are 
 weak ; they have many concerns, some of which they 
 value more, some less ; they cannot, through their 
 weakness and limited nature, be intent in their 
 thoughts about all, or even many of them, at once. 
 And therefore, when any one, though the least of 
 them, is in hazard, their care must be taken up 
 mainly, and as it were about that only. Even the 
 good shepherd, though really he values the ninety 
 and nine more than the one lost sheep, yet when it 
 is lost, he seems to leave all the rest, and employ all 
 his thoughts as it were about that. But when all 
 are equally safe, and none of our concerns are in any 
 visible hazard, then is the only proper time to judge 
 what is really uppermost in the soul; that which it 
 then is most frequently with, delights most hi, and 
 can least think of parting with, that is uppermost. 
 That which has the heart is the treasure. And the 
 Lord let me see that my soul was, when all was safe, 
 
161 
 
 almost wholly taken up in viewing with delight the 
 manifestations of his glory in the face of Jesus 
 Christ. 
 
 Before I proceed to take notice of any other 
 effects of this discovery, 1 shall state, in a few par- 
 ticulars, the pleasant way by which the Lord carried 
 on this change as to the chief end. 1. When the 
 Lord came to work this change, I was sunk under 
 the oppressive sense of this, that I had " destroyed 
 myself;" and deeply concerned to know how I might 
 be saved. 2. The Lord made me first look up, by 
 a discovery of salvation and help, which answered 
 my concern about my own case. 3. When I looked 
 to this salvation, I found it in him. 4. When by 
 this means I came to see his glory shining in the 
 contrivance for my salvation, I was affected so, by 
 the lustre of it, that I begun to value it above all 
 things, and look on it as of that importance, that, 
 provided it were secured, all other things, the high- 
 est concerns of the creature not excepted, were of 
 small moment. 5. And herein viewing the glory 
 of his goodness in ordering it so, that the creatures, 
 in aiming at his glory, should find their own salva- 
 tion ; this endeared the Lord and his ways exceed- 
 ingly. Thus the Lord sweetly led me, by a view 
 of help suited to my case, to a discovery of his glory 
 in my salvation, helping me to place things in some 
 measure, at least, in wish and design in their own 
 order, and give his glory the pre-eminence that was 
 its due. 
 
 A third discernible effect of this discovery was 
 with respect to the Lord's yoke, his precepts: be- 
 
162 
 
 holding his glory, I was changed into his image, 
 and made to look on his yoke as easy, and his bur- 
 den as light; and to count that " his commandments 
 were not grievous, but right concerning all things." 
 This was very far contrary to my former temper. 
 Now the reality of this change appeared, and evi- 
 denced itself, even amidst all temptations, slips, yea, 
 and relapses into the same sins, several ways. 1. 
 I now came to a fixed persuasion that the law was 
 not only just, such against which I could make no 
 reasonable exception, but holy; such as became God, 
 and good ; such as every way was suited to my true 
 interest, and peace, and advantage, which I could 
 never think before. 2. Though I found sin that 
 dwells in me, opposing still, yet I delighted after 
 the inward man in " the law, as holy, just, spiritual, 
 and good." 3. I saw the commandment to be ex- 
 ceeding broad, spiritual, and extensile, and was de- 
 lighted with it. 4. The duties that my heart had 
 the greatest aversion to formerly, were now made 
 easy, pleasant, and refreshing. Formerly I could 
 not think spiritual-mindedness could be easy to me 
 or any other; but now, when I attained it in some 
 measure, for some time, as first after this discovery 
 I did, I found it life and peace; and, on the con-~ 
 trary, carnal-mindedness was as death. 5. I was 
 made to see a peculiar beauty in those laws in par- 
 ticular that crossed those sins which had the firmest 
 footing in my temper, and the greatest advantage 
 from my circumstances, and occasional temptations. 
 And though all these advantages still continued, and 
 rather grew, yet my heart was so strangely altered, 
 
163 
 
 that no sins were so hateful ; upon account of none 
 did I loathe myself so much ; over no sins was I so 
 glad of victory, or longed so much for the ruin of, 
 or did I cry so much against, or complain so fre- 
 quently of to the Lord, and set myself more against : 
 my mind was continually engaged in contrivances for 
 their ruin, which formerly I sought still to have 
 spared, And if the Lord would have given me it 
 in my choice, to have the laws that crossed them 
 razed, or to let them stand, he knows I would have 
 thought the law less pleasant, less perfect if these 
 had been wanting. Thus, "what things were gain, 
 I now counted loss," and endeavoured " to keep 
 myself from mine iniquity ;" and I could never think 
 myself happy till these were plucked out, which 
 were before as " the right eye." 6. I took delight 
 in others, or in myself, only in so far as there ap- 
 peared any thing of a self-denied, humble conformity 
 to the law of the Lord ; such I counted as " the ex- 
 cellent of the earth ;" and I was glad when I got 
 near them in any the meanest instance. 7. My soul 
 frequently spent itself in such breathings after con- 
 formity to the law of God, as the 119th Psalm is 
 filled with throughout : " O that my ways were di- 
 rected to keep thy statutes ! my heart breaketh, 
 through the longing it hath to thy commands at all 
 times ; incline my heart, that I may keep them al- 
 ways unto the end," and the like. 8. This ap- 
 peared further in a fixed dislike of the least want of 
 conformity to the law, either in myself or others. 
 Now, though I was not always suitably affected 
 with my own or others breaches, yet this was mv 
 
164 
 
 burden, I wished always that " rivers of tears 
 might run down my eyes, because I (or other trans- 
 gressors) keep not God's law." 9. Even when sin 
 prevailed, and I was afraid to be ruined when that 
 " which was ordained for life," proved death to me, 
 even then my liking to the law, and value for con- 
 formity, continued; all this notwithstanding, I con- 
 sented to the law, that it was " holy, just, and 
 good." 10. The sins into which, through the 
 force of temptation, I frequently relapsed, yet re- 
 mained, and I durst appeal to the Searcher of hearts 
 as to the truth of this, what I would not do; that 
 is, what the constant bent of my will (when not un- 
 der the immediate force of a temptation, when I 
 was not myself,) was set against. 11. Now, no- 
 thing appeared more satisfactory in heaven, than a 
 prospect of being there " satisfied with his likeness." 
 12. I looked on the remainder of sin as my greatest 
 misery and burden, and that which made me truly 
 a " wretched man," and daily cry for deliverance. 
 In a word, I saw, that if I could reach conformity 
 to God's law, I would have pleasure, and peace, and 
 liberty. All wisdom's ways are " ways of peace, 
 her paths pleasantness, her commandments not griev- 
 ous ;" her yoke light, and nothing uneasy, but that 
 remaining unsubdued corruption, that would not 
 stoop to put its neck under the yoke. This effect 
 was the most discernible of any under temptations, 
 and has stood me in the best stead. 
 
 A fourth discernible effect of this discovery, was 
 the exercise of evangelical repentance, which was 
 very different in many respects from that sorrow I 
 
165 
 
 before was acquainted with. 1. In its rise, sorrow 
 formerly flowed from discoveries of sin, as it brings 
 on wrath ; now it flowed from a sense of sin, as con- 
 taining wretched unkindness in one, who was aston- 
 ishingly kind to an unworthy wretch. I looked 
 upon him " whom I had pierced, and mourned." 
 
 ! what an unkind wretch am I, to provoke such 
 a God, who has followed me with so much mercy, 
 and yet offers kindness ! 2. Sorrow formerly wrought 
 death, alienated my heart from God, and so dispi- 
 rited me for duty, and made me fear hurt from him : 
 but this sorrow filled my heart with kindness to God ; 
 to his way, sweetened my soul, and endeared God 
 to it. It flowed from a sense of his favour to an un- 
 worthy wretch that deserved none, and was thus a 
 godly sorrow, leading to kindness to God, drawing 
 near to him, but with much humble sense of my own 
 unworthiness, like the returning prodigal, when he 
 saw his father coming to meet him. 3. The more 
 God manifested of his kindness, the more this still 
 increased ; when he was pacified, I was ashamed 
 and confounded. " After I was turned, I repented ; 
 
 1 smote upon my breast, and was ashamed and con- 
 founded" for my strayings. 4. The sorrow I had 
 before, I looked on as a burden, was nothing but a 
 selfish concern for my own safety, and a fear of be- 
 ing made to feel the effects of the righteous resent- 
 ment of God. But this sorrow was sweet and plea- 
 sant, as being the exercise of filial gratitude ; and I 
 took pleasure in the surprising manifestations of 
 God's favour to one so unworthy, and in acknow- 
 ledging my own unworthiness. A sense of my ia- 
 
166 
 
 gratitude, when kept within, covered me with 
 blushes; and I was eased when the Lord allowed me 
 to vent my sense of it, and pour it, as it were, in 
 his bosom. 5. This sorrow was a spring of activity 
 in the way of duty, and I was glad to be employed 
 in the meanest errand, that I might give opportunity 
 to evidence how deeply I resented my former disobe- 
 dience : " Make me as one of thy hired servants." 
 6. In a word, it had all the marks, in some measure, 
 which the apostle gives of the exercise of this grace. 
 It was a godly sorrow, coming from God ; it led to 
 God, as always what comes from him in a way of 
 grace, leads to him in a way of duty : "It wrought 
 repentance unto life, not to be repented of;" it 
 issued in a return to the way of life, and to such a 
 course as upon a review I did not repent of, but 
 delighted in, and desired to be carried further on in. 
 And still, in as far as this sorrow obtained, there 
 was a liveliness in following this way, that leads to 
 salvation or life. It wrought carefulness to avoid 
 sin, and please God, indignation against sin, fear of 
 offending God again, vehement desire of having sin 
 removed, the Lord glorified, and obedience pro- 
 moted ; it wrought zeal for God and revenge against 
 myself and sin. It was not, as former sorrow, preg- 
 nant with pride, stiffness, and unwillingness to un- 
 dergo any chastisement; but it humbled, softened 
 the soul, and wrought a willingness to bear the in- 
 dignation of the Lord when I had sinned against 
 him. In a word, I was glad when the Lord allowed 
 me any measure of it, and grieved when I found it 
 wanting; and cried to the Prince exalted for it, be- 
 
167 
 
 cause of the good effects it had, and the real advan- 
 tage I found bv it, with respect to the whole of that 
 obedience the Lord requires. 
 
 A fifth discernible effect of this discovery was, an 
 humble, but sweet and comfortable hope, and per- 
 suasion of my own salvation, answerable to the clear- 
 ness of this discovery; that is, rising in strength, or 
 growing more weak, and less discernible, as the dis- 
 coveries of the way of salvation were more or less 
 clear and strong. Now, because this is what I take 
 for gospel-assurance, with the worthy Dr. Owen, I 
 shall give some further account of it, as I found it 
 then and since. 1. When the Lord gave this dis- 
 covery of his way of salvation, he satisfied me, that 
 it was a way full of peace and security, the only safe 
 way on which I might safely venture ; and hereby, 
 as I mentioned formerly, I was fully persuaded, that 
 " this was the way wherein I should walk." Hereby 
 I was freed from that disquieting fear, that, in trust- 
 ing to it, I was trusting to that which would fail. 
 I was satisfied I could not fail otherwise than by 
 missing this way ; I doubted of myself, but not of 
 the way. 2. The Lord, by the discovery above 
 mentioned, did powerfully draw my soul to close 
 with it : and, in so far as I clave to, and closed with 
 this, in so far, considering the former discovery of 
 the safety of this way, I could not doubt of the 
 issue, but was sweetly satisfied, that my " expecta- 
 tion should not be cut off," nor my labour in vain 
 in pursuing this course. While I cleaved to, and 
 reposed with satisfaction on what I was convinced 
 was safe, I could not, in so far as I leaned to this, 
 
168 
 
 but be quiet and composed about the issue; which 
 shows how nearly allied faith and assurance are, 
 though they are not the same; and therefore no 
 wonder that the one should be taken for the other. 
 
 3. Hereby I was animated to walk on in this way, 
 and follow duty ; and finding, as I went on in duty, 
 that so far as I proceeded, my expectation was not 
 disappointed, still, according to success, this hope 
 insensibly and secretly grew. This God " is our 
 God : we have waited for him, and he will save us." 
 
 4. This discovery manifesting salvation in a way of 
 self-denial, and trust only in the Lord, nothing so 
 soon marred this hope, as the least appearance of 
 self, and stirring of pride. Whenever the glory of 
 the Lord was revealed, and he spake peace, I was 
 hereon filled with shame, and the deeper this humi- 
 liation was, still the humble confidence of my safety 
 increased. Now, these two last remarks show, how 
 far this assurance is from any consistency with neg- 
 ligence; much less does it foster it, for it grows 
 only upon adherence to the Lord's way, and is 
 strengthened by a successful pursuit of salvation in 
 the Lord's way. To intermit or neglect duty, 
 razes the foundation, or at least lays an insurmount- 
 able barrier in the way of its progress and growth. 
 And further, it is widely different from that un- 
 troubled confidence some pretend to, which is a 
 fruit of pride, and fosters it, as the last remark 
 shows. In a word, the case is plainly thus : this 
 way the Lord discovers, is safe for a self-condemned 
 sinner. I am safe in a practical adherence to it. 
 The further I go, and the closer I in practice cleave 
 
169 
 
 to this way, hope of his salvation increases the more. 
 Here is no place for sloth, but a spur to diligence, 
 because it will not be in vain in the issue, and is at- 
 tended with the comfort in every step, of drawing 
 still nearer the desired salvation. And this safety 
 arising from a renunciation of all confidence in the 
 flesh, and a trust only in the sovereign grace of 
 God, through Christ, there is no place for confi- 
 dence in ourselves, or pride in any degree : the least 
 degree of pride being a step out of this way of peace 
 and safety. 
 
 A sixth discernible difference was with respect to 
 the ordinances of the Lord's appointment. This 
 discovery, 1. Drew me to follow them as the Lord's 
 institutions, and appointed means of obtaining dis- 
 coveries of his beauty. 2. It made me follow after 
 discoveries of the Lord's glory in them, and disco- 
 veries from him of myself, my case, my sin, my duty. 
 I desired to behold the " beauty of the Lord, and to 
 inquire in his temple." 3. It sent me to the Lord 
 to seek these discoveries from him, and to pray with 
 respect both to myself, and those concerned in the 
 dispensation of the gospel : " One thing have I de- 
 sired of the Lord." 4. This was now more constant, 
 I desired and sought after it. 5. I was brought to 
 more of liveliness, when the Lord discovered him- 
 self, " my soul then followed hard after him ;" when 
 his hand upheld me, and when he drew, I run. 6. 
 When the Lord enlarged, and caused me to ap- 
 proach to him, and see his glory, he still humbled 
 me, discovered self, and put me in opposition to it. 
 I have seen him, and therefore I loathed myself. 
 
 H 11 
 
170 
 
 7. I was now acquainted in some measure witli that 
 boldness and freedom of access, with humble confi- 
 dence in God, as on a throne of grace, manifesting 
 himself in Christ. In a word, I was sensible of the 
 Lord's hiding and manifesting himself in duty in 
 some measure, and of the necessity of the exercise 
 of grace, particularly of faith, in all approaches to 
 God, and thereby put upon frequent complaints, 
 dejections for the want of it, cries to God for it, and 
 the like. 
 
 Many other effects followed upon this discovery, 
 too long to repeat at large. 1. Herein I found a 
 new, and formerly unknown love to all that seemed 
 to have any thing of the Lord's image, however dif- 
 ferent in principles as to lesser things, tempers, &c. 
 and though distant and unknown otherwise than by 
 report. And this evidencing itself in prayer for 
 them, sympathy with them in then- afflictions, 
 which, as all. the other, still was more or less 
 lively, according as I was otherwise in worse or 
 better case: " By this do we know we are passed 
 from death to life, because we love the brethren." 
 
 2. Hereon 1 found my care of all the Lord's con- 
 cerns enlarged, and I began to be desirous to have 
 the Lord exalted on the earth — Zion prosper, and 
 all that love her : I was fearful of hazard that threat- 
 ened any of his interests, affected with the sufferings 
 of his people, or any loss his interest sustained. 
 
 3. Hereon I began to be more concerned for any 
 affronts offered to the Lord's glory by others : " I 
 saw transgressors, and was grieved, because they 
 kept not God's law;" and was oft made to weep, 
 
171 
 
 and pray for them in secret. 4. I found it easy 
 and delightful to suppress resentments, and oppose 
 them, and even to pray for those whom I appre- 
 hended to have injured me. Yea, with delight I 
 could seek their good, their real good, and pray 
 earnestly for it. Other consequences of this dis- 
 covery will be mentioned hereafter, in their proper 
 places. 
 
 To conclude this chapter, I found this discovery 
 sweetlv drawing' to a willing, cheerful endeavour ai- 
 ter holiness in all manner of conversation. Whereas, 
 all former courses I took, only drove me forcibly to 
 a feigned submission ; which made me often wonder 
 at the folly of Socinians and Arminians, and other 
 Pelagian enemies, who pretend, that free justifica- 
 tion leads to security and carelessness. I could not 
 but say and think often, What ! shall I believe 
 such wild and wicked reproaches against my clear 
 experience ? Do not I find quite the contrary, while 
 the " love of Christ constrains to judge thus, that 
 if one died for all, then were all dead, that they who 
 henceforth live, should not live to themselves, but 
 to him that died for them. They err, not knowing 
 the Scriptures, nor the power of God." 
 
 Thus all things were in some measure made new; 
 and I, who a little before with the jailer, had fallen 
 down trembling, was now raised up, and set down to 
 feast with the disciples of the Lord, " rejoicing and 
 believing." . But, alas ! 1 was like the disciples on 
 the mount, I dreamed not of what was abiding me, 
 as the sequel will show. This 1 desire to recount, 
 however, with thankfulness, not to my own commen- 
 h2 
 
dation, but " to the praise of the glory of his grace." 
 How far I was from having attained, or being already 
 perfect, the following pages will show. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 An Account of the Pleasure of my Case at this time, 
 the Mistakes I was still under, the sad Effects of 
 them, and the way of their Discovery. 
 
 This glorious discovery was very surprising, and 
 filled me with wonder. Often was I made to stand 
 and wonder what this strange sight meant, and 
 whereto it would turn : things that I had not heard 
 were told me. Often did I say, " What hath the 
 Lord wrought !" " When God turned back the 
 captivity of Zion, we were like men that dreamed. 
 ( )ur mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue 
 with singing: then said they among the heathen, 
 The Lord hath done great things for them. The 
 Lord hath done great things for us, whereof we are 
 o-lad." The greatness of the things God hath done 
 surpassed belief; and yet the great and clear light 
 wherein they were discovered, and the discernible 
 effects, would not allow me to doubt. 
 
 Although the effects of this discovery above men- 
 tioned were most discernible at first, yet I did not 
 then, nor till after that light was gone, distinctly 
 observe them. For, 1. The glory of the Lord was 
 so great, that for a time I only fixed my eyes upon 
 
173 
 
 that, and I was less intent, though much pleased 
 with it, upon the change that was thereby wrought 
 on me. All this while I was still crying out, 
 " Whence is this to me ?" And " what am I, and 
 what is my father's house," that the Lord has vi- 
 sited me, and brought me hitherto? Again, 2. I 
 was the less sensible, or at least was the less dis- 
 tinct, in observing these things, because of the re- 
 maining darkness as to the many and great things 
 contained in the covenant of grace. This liffht 
 clearly revealed the mystery of free justification 
 through Christ, and peace by his blood ; but I was 
 afterward to learn other things belonging to the 
 mystery of redemption. This was what I at pre- 
 sent needed, and this the Lord gave abundantly, in 
 so far as the present case required it. But yet, af- 
 ter this glorious light had remained some consider- 
 able time with me, I was sadly ignorant of many of 
 the most important things relating even to the mys- 
 tery of forgiveness, the daily use of this atonement, 
 and the use especially of the Lord Christ with re- 
 spect to sanctification. Well might Christ say to 
 me, many a day after this, as to Philip, " Have I 
 been so long time with you, and yet hast thou not 
 known me, Philip?" What, therefore, the Lord 
 had done at this time, I knew not now, but hereaf- 
 ter, when the Comforter had further instructed me 
 in the nature of the gospel-discovery, as I was able to 
 bear it, and as my daily exigencies required it; and 
 when, with Peter, being come to myself, recovered 
 out of the strange surprise, and put to consider the 
 thing, then knew I, with him, more distinctly what 
 
174 
 
 concerned the Lord's work, and what he had done 
 for me. 
 
 This discovery, while it lasted, was full of ravishing 
 sweetness, and many things contributed very much to 
 make it so. 1. The case wherein it found me : I was 
 condemned by God, by my own conscience, and was 
 like to sink under the pressure of the fear of a present 
 execution of the sentence. When the usual labours 
 of the day required that I should sleep, and my body, 
 toiled and wasted with the disquiet of my mind, 
 made me heavy, and urged it more : yet I was afraid 
 to close mine eyes, lest I should awaken in hell; 
 and durst not let myself sleep, till I was by a weary 
 body beguiled into it, lest I should drop into the pit 
 before I was aware. Was it any wonder that the 
 news of pardon and forgiveness were sweet to one in 
 such a case ? whereby I was made to lie down in 
 safety, and take quiet rest, where there was none to 
 make me afraid. " For so giveth he his beloved 
 sleep." A little before, I was like Jonah in the 
 whale's belly : " The waters compassed me about 
 even to the soul ; the deep closed me round about ; 
 the weeds were wrapt about my head. I went down 
 to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her 
 bars was about me for ever." " And I said, I am 
 cast out of God's sight." Now, was it any wonder 
 that such a one was delighted when brought into a 
 garden of delights? placed out of all view of trouble, 
 except a reflection on it as passed, which is refresh- 
 ing, and set down to warm himself, and dry himself 
 under the refreshing rays of the Sun of Righteous- 
 ness. 2. The thicuzs that the Lord discovered were 
 
175 
 
 in themselves glorious; the glory of the Lord shone 
 about me : I saw such things as " eye hath not seen," 
 besides thee, O God. " No man hath seen God 
 at any time; the only-begotten of the Father, he 
 hath declared him." In a word, what I saw was 
 the " mystery of godliness;" the wonders of God's 
 law, which the angels stooping earnestly look into, 
 and that with wonder. 3. They were new things, 
 with which I was utterly unacquainted before ; and 
 this made them the more affecting : " He shall 
 sprinkle many nations ; the kings shall shut their 
 mouths at him; for that which had not been told 
 them shall they see, and that which they had not 
 heard shall they consider." " As cold water is to a 
 thirsty soul, so is good news from a far country." 
 Again, 4. The light wherein these things were dis- 
 covered, was a clear sparkling light, that had a warm- 
 ing force, and reviving influence, that I was alto- 
 gether a stranger to before : and one that was a 
 stranger to light, at least to this light of the Lord, 
 could not but with pleasure enjoy it; for truly "light 
 is sweet, and a pleasant thing it is for the eyes to 
 behold the sun." 
 
 This discovery and manifestation was of a much 
 longer continuance, and far more bright than any I 
 ever since obtained; for it shone in its brightness, 
 for about ten days, and for long after that it was not 
 quite off: and while it lasted, many things made it 
 observable. 1. New discoveries were daily made ; 
 the Lord carried me from one thing to another, and 
 in this short time taught me more than by all my 
 study I had learned before, in quite a different man- 
 
176 
 
 ner; what naturally and notionally I knew before, I 
 corrupted myself in it ; but now the Lord " in- 
 structed me with a strong hand, that I should not 
 walk in his way," — " and day unto day uttereth 
 speech, and night unto night teacheth knowledge." 
 Every day I was surprised with some new, and be- 
 fore unthought-of discovery of the Lord. This 
 was as " the shining light, shining more and more 
 to a perfect day." All this time my mind was al- 
 most wholly taken up about spiritual things; my 
 " conversation was in heaven." I saw those with 
 whom I conversed, turn every thing (even what was 
 not only innocently, but piouslv said and meant) into 
 obscene senses : whereas now, whatever occurred in 
 reading, in meditation, in converse, in daily obser- 
 vation, was by and to my mind spiritualized. I re- 
 flected with wonder on this difference, and often, 
 during this time, I was made to look on the mind, 
 as a mould that casts whatever is brought into it, 
 into its own shape : " To the pure, all things are 
 pure : but to them that are defiled, and unbelieving, 
 is nothing pure ; but even their mind and conscience 
 is defiled." 3. By this I was not only joyful, but 
 I found the " joy of the Lord my strength," for all 
 this while I was carried out to extraordinary plea- 
 sure, and diligence in duty. It was not now, as for- 
 merly, a burden to go to duty ; but I rejoiced when 
 they said to me, " Let us go into the house of 
 God." And my soul answered, I will go to God 
 my chief joy, " to God that performcth all things 
 for me." My heart was enlarged, and I " run in 
 the way of God's commandments" with delight. 
 
17? 
 
 Willingly I engaged in duty ; and when I was en- 
 gaged in it, " my soul oft made me like the chariots 
 of Ammi-nadib," and I was not easily stopped; but 
 failed sometimes as to the just bounds, whereby 
 others, that felt not that ravishing sweetness I en- 
 joyed, were sometimes disgusted ; though some were 
 not, for so near as I can reckon, it was about this 
 time that the Lord began to commend himself and 
 his worship to Lady Anne Elcho, which made her 
 at death bless the Lord for family-worship. 4. The 
 Lord daily instructed me all this time out of the 
 Scriptures, and my heart burned within me while 
 he talked and walked with me " by the way, and 
 opened the Scriptures," which before were as a sealed 
 book, in which whatever I read was dark ; even that 
 whereof I had some notion : I was ready to say of 
 it, " I cannot read it, for it is sealed." The de- 
 sign, intent, and mystery, was hid from me ; and the 
 rest of it I was forced to say, I knew nothing of, I 
 was not learned. Again, 5. Mine enemies received 
 a stunning stroke, and all of a sudden, by the ap- 
 pearance of the sun, these frightful things that dis- 
 turbed me in the dark disappeared. He graciously 
 for a time restrained them, and bore down corrup- 
 tion, chained up Satan, and kept me from any dis- 
 turbance by these enemies; with whom I have before 
 had, and since likewise, many sad wrestlings : " At 
 the brightness that was before him, his thick clouds 
 passed." When the Lord arose, " his enemies were 
 scattered. Yea, he sent out his arrows, and scat- 
 tered them ; and he shot out lightning and discom- 
 fited them." Thus " he delivered me from my 
 h3 
 
178 
 
 strong enemy, and from them that hated me : for 
 they were too strong for me." 6. Which was the 
 life of all the former, the Lord by keeping his glory 
 continually in mine eye, kept me all this while more 
 humble and self-denied than ever; seeing him, I 
 loathed and detested self. Beholding his glory, I 
 was in mine own eyes " as a grasshopper, as nothing, 
 less than vanity and nothing, and gloried only in the 
 Lord, rejoicing in Christ Jesus, and had no confi- 
 dence in the flesh." 
 
 The Lord had many gracious designs in this, 
 which I was ignorant of then, as what I shall speedily 
 narrate will show; but the Lord has in some mea- 
 sure since taught me, some of which I shall here 
 narrate. 1. I was sore wounded and broken before, 
 and the Lord did this in tenderness. He bound 
 up my wounds ; he poured in oil ; he made a bed in 
 my sickness ; he watched me, and kept me free from 
 disturbance, till I was somewhat strengthened. 2. 
 I had been plunged into grievous and hard thoughts 
 of him, as one who had " in anger shut up his ten- 
 der mercies, and forgotten to be gracious;" and I 
 was not easily induced to believe good tidings, for 
 I had forgotten prosperity; and though it was told 
 me, I could not believe, partly for joy, and partly 
 for fear, till I eot a clear sijdit of the wajnrons and 
 provisions, and then my spirit revived ; and the 
 Lord satisfied me in deep condescension, that he 
 was real, and in earnest, and had no pleasure in my 
 death; and that the wound was not incurable; that 
 it was not the wound of an enemy, or the stroke of 
 a cruel one, but the wound of a friend in order to 
 
179 
 
 healing. 3. He was now to make me sell all for 
 the pearl. And, like a fair merchant that means 
 not to cheat, he let me see both what I was to leave, 
 and what I was to choose, that I might be satisfied 
 I had made a good bargain : and though many a day 
 I have seen neither sun, nor moon, nor stars since, 
 and have been in the deep day and night: yet so 
 far did this go, that I durst never once in wish re- 
 tract my choice. 4. He knew wjjat a wilderness I 
 had to so through, and therefore led me not into 
 that long and weary journey till he had made me 
 eat once and again, as he did by Elijah. 5. The 
 Lord did not at first plunge me into war, lest I 
 should have repented my engagement: " And it 
 came to pass, when Pharaoh had let the people go, 
 that God led them not through the way of the land 
 of the Philistines, although that was near: for God 
 said, Lest peradventure the people repent when they 
 see war, and they return to Egypt." 6. The Lord 
 hereby undeceived me as to my hard thoughts of 
 his ways, and reproved me for them; often was I 
 put to say, Lord, " I was as a beast;" and how 
 brutish was I to think that spirituality was a burden, 
 and that it was impossible to be so one day to an 
 end without weariness ? Thus he let me see, that 
 I " uttered what I understood not;" and though 
 once I had so spoken, yet now I durst not proceed. 
 For I saw what with man is impossible, with God is 
 possible and easy ; he can change the heart, and 
 then the thoughts change. Finally, The Lord 
 designed to give me something that might, in all 
 after-trials, be staying; and often has the remem- 
 
180 
 
 brance of this been sweet, when present sense failed. 
 I called to mind " the years of the right hand of 
 the Most High," and was still supported by it. 
 
 But, alas ! I understood not this, and by my 
 io-norance I was cast into sad mistakes. 1. I fancied 
 this world would last always; I ravingly talked of 
 tabernacles, with the disciples on the mount. I 
 knew not that I was to come down, and that my 
 dearest Lord was to depart from me again; " In 
 my prosperity I said, My mountain stands strong 
 by thy favour, and I should never be moved." 2. 
 I dreamed no more of fighting with corruptions ; 
 but thought that the enemies that appeared not 
 were dead, that the Egyptians were all drowned in 
 the sea; and that I should never learn, nor have 
 occasion for learning war. 3. I resolved to impose 
 such restraints upon myself, and confine myself to 
 such a course of walking, as neither our circum- 
 stances, temptations, nor our duty in this world al- 
 low. I remember, I could not endure to read these 
 books which were really proper and necessary to be 
 read, and all the time employed in them, I reckoned 
 as lost. This was the old legal temper beginning 
 to work again, and secretly inclining me to seek 
 righteousness, not directly as before, " but as it 
 were by the works of the law," and aiming to en- 
 tangle me by a yoke of bondage. Yea, I began to 
 grudge and feel compunction about the time spent 
 in necessary refreshment of the body by meat and 
 sleep, and endeavoured to abridge myself. The 
 devil secretly drove me from one extreme to another: 
 and he knew full well that I would not hold here, 
 
1S1 
 
 and that he would easily get me cast into another 
 extreme, to assume a latitude beyond what was due. 
 Thus I was well nigh entangled in that yoke of 
 bondage which the Lord had so lately broken, and 
 deceived into a voluntary humility and mortification, 
 being vainly puffed up to it by my fleshly mind. 
 4. I began to count upon enlargement and success 
 in duty, as what was not only my due, but what I 
 should always have, and that it was more mine own 
 than really it was. I began to speak of it with de- 
 light; like the disciples I said, " Lord, even the 
 devils are subject to us." 5. I looked upon this 
 stock of grace I had obtained, as what would be 
 sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties ; and 
 saw not that the grace that was sufficient was yet in 
 the Lord's hand. 
 
 But now the Lord quickly undeceived me : for, 
 1. After a little, he began to hide himself. 2. He 
 gave " me a thorn in the flesh to humble me." 
 My corruptions began to stir again, and, like giants 
 refreshed by wine, to make furious assaults. 3. A 
 messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, and I 
 began to feel the fury of his temptations. 
 
 On this I was cast into great perplexity; 1. I 
 fell into deep sorrow : " Thou didst hide thy face, 
 and I was troubled." 2. I began to question the 
 truth of former manifestations, and to say, with the 
 disciples, " We thought it had been he that should 
 have redeemed Israel." 3. I be^an to doubt of mv 
 
 o J 
 
 steadfast adherence, and to say, " One day I shall 
 perish by the hand of Saul." And, 4. I began to 
 quarrel secretly with the Lord, as if he had deceived 
 
182 
 
 me, and to say, Why hast thou not delivered me 
 Why is my bondage increased since thou began to 
 appear for my deliverance ? 
 
 Under this condition, I tried all means, but run 
 often to wrong ways. 1. I complained, and then 
 my soul was overwhelmed. 2. " I thought upon 
 God;" but not finding the discoveries as before, 
 " I was troubled." 3. I inquired into the causes 
 of this : " Wherefore hidest thou thy face ? W T hy 
 art thou so far from helping ?" But here my spirit 
 often began to go too far, and even to say, " Wilt 
 thou be always as a liar, and as waters that fail ?" 
 And then I retracted, and was sunk deeper for my 
 wickedness in chiding with God. 4. I endeavoured 
 to shake myself, and to go to duty as before : " I 
 wist not that the Lord was departed ;" that my locks 
 were shaven, and that the enemy that lay in my 
 bosom, had discovered my strength, and got between 
 me and it. 
 
 On this I was exceeding melancholy, and so much 
 the more, that now I remembered all my goodly 
 pleasant things I enjoyed before I " fell into the 
 enemy's hand." But yet, when after the violence 
 of my conflict, I recovered myself, I could not but 
 see that things were better at my worst state, than 
 formerly in my best. For, 1. The Lord gave fre- 
 quent manifestations of his countenance: " he showed 
 himself at the windows, and at the lattices;" and 
 sometimes " put in his hand by the hole of the door, 
 and spoke kindly; and my bowels were moved for 
 him." 2. He frequently let me see somewhat of 
 his " power and glory in the sanctuary ;" opened a 
 
183 
 
 Scripture, and made my heart burn; or unfolded 
 my case, and " told me all that was in my heart;" 
 or let me see the end of my enemies. 3. Some- 
 times he allowed me access to him, and made me 
 come even to his seat, and " pour out my soul to 
 him." 4. When I was at my lowest, I stood other- 
 wise affected to Christ than before. Though I 
 could not run after him, yet I unwillingly staid 
 away: ' ; My soul longed after him;" " when wilt 
 thou come?" I frequently breathed for my affec- 
 tions being drawn out, " Draw me, and I will run 
 after thee." Sometimes I attempted to stretch out 
 the withered hand, and wished for the command that 
 would empower me to lay hold on him; I still held 
 to this, that salvation only is to be found in him. 
 I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait 
 on ; and though he should " slay me, yet trust in 
 him" I would. 5. As to the law of the Lord, 
 though I could not run as when my heart was en- 
 larged, yet my will still tended that way ; I longed 
 to walk, and run, and for that enlargement that would 
 make me run; I breathed after conformity to it; I 
 had no quarrel at it, but with myself: " I delighted 
 m the law after the inward man." 6. As to sin, 
 there was a great difference ; though I could not de- 
 light in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of de- 
 lighting in sin ; I was sometimes, by the power of 
 temptation, driven to consent to its seductions ; but. 
 it was just such a forced consent, as, by the power 
 of conviction, I before gave to the law. Whenever 
 I came to myself, I retracted it : " My repentings 
 were kindled within me." Though it prevailed, my 
 
184 
 
 heart was not with it as before. I found another 
 sort of opposition made to it ; it was dead in pur- 
 pose and design ; and if it gained victory, I was the 
 more enraged against it : in a word, as to the law 
 of God, I was as a sick man, with his friends sitting" 
 at his bed-side : he has no aversion to them, though 
 lie cannot delight in them as before ; he reflects with 
 such a pleasure, as his present case allows, upon the 
 satisfaction he has had in their converse, and wishes 
 to be in a condition for enjoying it again ; but I was 
 quite different with respect to sin. Finally, This 
 deadness was now a preternatural state ; I could not 
 rest in it, but cried daily, " When wilt thou revive 
 me r ' I loathed myself for it ; I wearied, I endea- 
 voured to break prison; I looked back to former 
 seasons, when it had been otherwise, and often said, 
 " O that it were with me as in months past !" 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 An Account of my Strugglings with Indwelling Sin, 
 its Victories, the Causes of them on my part, and 
 God's Goodness ivith respect to this Trial. 
 
 I had not been long in this pleasant case, before I 
 found my mistake, that enemies were not foiled, and 
 that I must down into the valley, and " wrestle with 
 principalities and powers;" and fight with no less 
 enemies than the Anakims. My corruptions, self, 
 passion, &c. and especially those " sins which easily 
 
185 
 
 beset me," which formerly I was so careful to have 
 spared, and which I refused to deliver up to justice, 
 set upon me. And finding that I was now no more 
 theirs as formerly, they frequently vanquished me; 
 I often fell before them, and multiplied relapses : 
 " When I would do good, evil was present with 
 me," and the good I would do, through their power, 
 " I did not, and the evil I would not do, that I did." 
 Thus I learned, that the difference betwixt the 
 Lord's people and others is not simply in this, that 
 the one falls, and the other stands, but that there is 
 a difference in the issue : " The just man falleth 
 seven times a day, but the wicked shall fall into mis- 
 chief." 
 
 Now though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to my 
 armour upon the appearance of these enemies, who 
 received great advantage by that security into which 
 I had fallen. And before ever I was aware, they 
 received a great advantage, and I could not easily 
 get from them again. But however, since fight I 
 must, I tried what weapons would be most success- 
 ful. And, 1. I objected to them, that now I had 
 no more to do with them : I had eno-a^ed with the 
 Lord. 2. I endeavoured to reason against them, as 
 Joseph did, but without his faith, " Shall I do this 
 great evil, and sin against God?" 3. When they 
 still persisted, I endeavoured to flee from them, and 
 avoid the occasions : but the enemy was in my bo- 
 som. 4. I prayed against them, that the Lord 
 would rebuke them. 5. I complained of them as 
 his enemies. 6. I protested against them. And 
 many other ways did I try. 
 
186 
 
 But, after all, they persisted, and I was often 
 foiled ; and on this I fell into grievous discourage- 
 ments. And, 1. I began to doubt if I was sincere, 
 or if the Lord was really with me : 'r If the Lord be 
 with us, why is all this evil come upon us ?" 2. I 
 began to doubt of the issue, and concluded I should 
 one day perish by their hand. 3. My conscience 
 being defiled, I was discouraged, and could not look 
 up to God. And, upon the whole, I was in very 
 great distress, often at giving over. 
 
 Though I often searched at the time, I could not 
 discover whence it was that I failed. For almost no 
 mean that I then thought of I left unattempted. 
 But since, several reasons of the prevalency of sin, 
 and the unsuccessfulness of my attempts against it, 
 has the Lord graciously discovered ; though I am far 
 from thinking to discover them all, or pretending to 
 remember even all that the Lord hath discovered, 
 yet some of them I shall mention, that now occur. 
 
 1. I was in the bemnninff of this warfare, too con- 
 
 es o 7 
 
 fident in grace already received, laid too much stress 
 on it, and promised too much from my own hand, 
 like Peter; and no wonder I met with his fate, and 
 was left to make discoveries of my own weakness. 
 
 2. The subtle enemies I had to do with took me in 
 the midst of my difficulties, and I was not watchful 
 against, nor aware of the seasons when they had 
 special advantage. The thief knew his time when 
 the goodman is from home, and all is quiet. And I 
 did not watch; and therefore he came in an hour when 
 I looked not for him. 3. My enemies put me upon 
 vain work, where the sin lay, not in the tiling itself, 
 
187 
 
 but in the degree of it, there my subtle enemies put 
 me to strive against, and seek to eradicate what was 
 really in itself lawful. Of this I had many instances 
 with respect to passions, and worldly employments, 
 and converse with sinful people. I remembered not, 
 that if we were altogether withdrawn from converse 
 with the idolaters, fornicators, &c. of this world, 
 we must needs go out of the world. And as there 
 was an anger to be avoided, so there was an anger 
 that was allowable, and even duty required that we 
 should be angry: but so as to avoid sin. Thus 
 Satan tempted me to provoke God, by aiming at 
 things which were neither given of God, nor had I 
 any reason to expect them, and thus to tempt God, 
 by seeking stones to be made bread, of things not 
 meet to be done. Like the Stoics, T was not con- 
 tent to have the passions kept in their own order, 
 but would have them eradicated. Thus the devil 
 drives to extremes; and when we fail of success, he 
 thence takes occasion to discourage us. 4. I still 
 neglected some means of God's appointment, under 
 pretence of inconveniences and difficulties, and some- 
 times because irksome to the flesh ; whereas these 
 were oftentimes the only proper means that were 
 omitted, or at least the principal in that case. The 
 omission of one thing ruins much, and our apologies 
 and excuses will not do. Some particular sins re- 
 quire particular remedies : when God has appointed 
 the use of these, and this is omitted, no wonder all 
 others fail. When the disciples asked, wherefore 
 they could not cast the devil out, our Lord told 
 them, there were some kinds that went not out, 
 
188 
 
 " but by fasting and prayer." Whenever any mean 
 is appointed by God, when the case occurs wherein 
 it is requisite, the remedy of God's appointment 
 must be used, if we would reach the end. If there 
 are supposed or real difficulties, yet while these dif- 
 ficulties are not our sin, we have reason to trust him 
 as to these, and try the means. 5. I was often 
 slothful, and by drowsiness a man is clothed with 
 rags, and enemies may easily sow tares when men 
 are asleep. 6. Above all, I was little acquainted 
 with the way of faith's improvement of Christ for 
 sanctification, and constant application to the throne 
 of grace for supplies to help in time of need. 7. I 
 was sometimes not single in my aims : I designed to 
 have a victory that would relieve me of the trouble 
 of watchfulness. I was weary of such a warfare, 
 and would have been at ease, and had too much of 
 an eye to this, and such like aims ; and perhaps if I 
 had got leave to rest, I would have been too proud 
 of my success : Thus " we ask and receive not, be- 
 cause we ask amiss, to consume it on our lusts." 
 8. When I was not presently heard, I did not per- 
 severe in prayer for the supplies of grace that I 
 sought. Thus I often found, that so lonjj as I was 
 with the Lord, he was with me : " They that wait 
 on the Lord shall renew their strength" — but I 
 was too soon over with it. And from these and 
 the like causes did my want of success proceed. 
 
 Yet, notwithstanding all these dreadful miscar- 
 riages on my part, the Lord, in the heat of this con- 
 flict, and even while I was many ways faulty, was 
 very kind. 1. He kept me from giving quite over, 
 
189 
 
 though I fell, yet I was not quite cast down. 2. 
 When I had many times been nearly overcome with 
 temptations, he came in with seasonable help, and 
 passing over all my miscarriages, he helped me up, 
 let me see that he kept me from being quite over- 
 come, and gave me some assurances for the future. 
 Thus " foolish was I, and ignorant; I was as a 
 beast before thee. Nevertheless I am continually 
 with thee; thou hast holden me by my right hand: 
 thou wilt guide me by thy counsel, and receive me 
 to glory." 3. I had gracious experiences of the 
 Lord's helping in the time of need, and hearing my 
 cries. The Lord sometimes interposed when I was 
 overcome, and sent, as it were, an Abigail, to keep 
 me from executing my wicked purposes; sometimes 
 he gave me an entire victory, and strengthened me 
 to repel temptations : and many other ways did he 
 help and deliver me. 4. He sometimes, and even 
 very frequently when I was hard beset, cleared up 
 my sincerity, and gave me such a view of it, as em- 
 boldened me to appeal to him, which freed me of 
 that temptation, and left me at liberty, under the 
 advantage of this new encouragement, to oppose 
 more vigorously : " Do not I hate all them that 
 hate thee? I hate them with a perfect hatred, I 
 count them mine enemies." And hereby I was 
 not emboldened to sin, I durst not take encou- 
 ragement to sin, because grace abounded, though 
 motions were made this way by my wicked heart; 
 but I was made more afraid of offending. These, 
 and many other ways was the Lord kind in the con- 
 flict; he frequently said to me, " Fear not, surely 
 
190 
 
 there is an end, and thine expectation shall not be 
 cut off." 
 
 The Lord has since let me see what gracious de- 
 signs he carried on by this trial, and what' need there 
 was of it in order both to his glory and my good. 
 1. By this he taught me the nature of that state in 
 which we are here, that it is a wilderness, a warfare, 
 and that we must all be soldiers, if we mean to be 
 Christians. 2. He taught me hereby, that the 
 grace that is sufficient for us, is not in our hands, but 
 in the Lord's; and that therefore our security with 
 respect to future temptations, is not grace already 
 received, but in this, that there is enough in the pro- 
 mise, and the way patent to the throne of grape for 
 it. 3. He taught me, that God is the sovereign 
 disposer, and gives out as he sees meet in time of 
 need, his own grace, and he is the only judge of the 
 proper season of giving it out. 4. He led me to 
 discern somewhat more of the covenant of grace, that 
 in it there are no promises made of absolute freedom 
 from sin while we are here : " If any may say he 
 has no sin, he is a liar ; and that we have no pro- 
 mise of freedom from gross sins, and these sins 
 wherein we have been formerly entangled, but in the 
 use and diligent use, of the means of the Lord's ap- 
 pointment: " If these things be in you, and abound, 
 they make you that ye shall neither be barren nor 
 unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus 
 Christ." 5. Hereby he taught me that great les- 
 son, that " when I am weak (in myself,) then I am 
 strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might." 
 Whenever I was diffident of myself, I was then al- 
 
191 
 
 ways victorious, or at least came off without hazard, 
 which is very far different from what men generally 
 think, that when a man is diffident and distrusts him- 
 self, that then he is not fit for managing any other 
 undertaking ; and this is indeed true when he is car- 
 nally diffident. But where there is a distrust of 
 self, with an eye to the Lord, it is very far other- 
 wise. 6. He taught me the use and necessity, and 
 glory of that provision that is made by the covenant 
 of grace for guilt ; it writes to us all to persuade us 
 from, and enable us to prevail against sin : " But if 
 any man sin," through the power of temptation, it 
 lets us see " an Advocate with the Father, and blood 
 that cleanseth from all sin." 7. He let me see his 
 holy jealousy, and how displeased he was with me for 
 my cleaving to sin so long, and sinful forbearance. 
 Because I would not slay them as the Lord appointed 
 me, and when he required it, therefore he left them 
 like the nations of Canaan, to tempt and to try me. 
 The sins that now molested me, and frequently cast 
 me down, were those that I sought to spare before ; 
 God cried often to me to part with them, and 1 
 would not hear, and now God would not hear when 
 I cried to be rid of them : " Thou wast a God that 
 forgavest their iniquities, but thou tookest vengeance 
 of their inventions." 8. The Lord by this did 
 humble, and prove, and let me see what was in my 
 heart, even a great deal more wickedness than I sus- 
 pected. 9. The Lord instructed me, that this is 
 not my rest, and made me value heaven more than 
 otherwise I would have done. 10. He discovered 
 the riches and extent of that forgiveness that is with 
 
192 
 
 him, that it reaches to iniquity, transgression, and 
 sin. That is, sins of all sorts, multiplied relapses 
 not excepted. He that requires us to forgive to 
 seventy times seven in a day, will not do less. Yea, 
 he tells us, that in this respect his " thoughts are 
 as far above ours, as the heavens are above the earth." 
 And finally, the Lord hereby fitted me to compas- 
 sionate others who are tempted, and comfort them. 
 Thus I was made a gainer by my losses and falls, to 
 the praise of his grace. 
 
 After some years struggling, the Lord made me 
 lay aside all prejudices against proper means, and wait 
 on him in the use of them all, with some eye to him, 
 and then he gave me, in some measure, a victory : 
 " Thanks be to God, who giveth us the victory." 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 An Account of my Exercise about the Guilt of Sin, 
 the Means of obtaining Pardon, and the Intima- 
 tions thereof. 
 
 The power of indwelling sin being still great, 
 and, through its own activity, occasional temptations, 
 more fixed advantages, and my own mistakes and 
 negligence, frequently prevalent, I was cast into 
 frequent perplexities about its guilt : " There was 
 no soundness in my bones," no rest in my conscience 
 tor sins that I had done. 
 
 Besides sins of infirmity, sometimes my eorrup- 
 
193 
 
 tions did, through my sloth, neglect of proper means, 
 and the advantages they otherwise had from tempta- 
 tions, and from their being rooted in my nature, bear 
 me down, and carry me captive, prevail against me, 
 and carry me, not only into the commission of grosser 
 evils, at least in heart, and omission of duties, but 
 even into frequently repeated relapses into these 
 commissions and omissions ; these being sins against 
 light, engagements, obligations, intimations of love, 
 the guilt of them was heavy upon my conscience, 
 and I was much perplexed about them ; my bones 
 were broken, my conscience defiled exceedingly, and 
 wounded for them. 
 
 At some times, when I fell into such sins, when 
 self and pride prevailed, or the evils I was more 
 deeply determined against obtained any notable ad- 
 vantage, I was, by " the deceitfulness of sin," for 
 a time hardened and insensible, like David, after his 
 foul fall. But then, 1. While it was so, grace 
 languished, " the things that remained were ready 
 to die." 2. The Lord hid himself; I had no coun- 
 tenance in duty; while this regard to sin continued, 
 all was out of order. 
 
 At other times, I had no sooner complied, but my 
 heart instantly smote me ; and I was presently with 
 Peter after his fall, called and stirred up to the ex- 
 ercise of repentance, and inquiries after forgiveness. 
 But sooner or later the Lord awakened me out of 
 this security, and, sometimes by one mean, and some- 
 times by another, set my sins in order before mine 
 eyes. 1. Sometimes he visited me with some out- 
 ward affliction, and hid himself, and then I was put 
 1 11 
 
194 
 
 under a blessed necessity of seeking after him, and 
 inquiring into the reason of his withdrawing, and 
 laying his hand on me. When I was " bound in 
 the cords of affliction," he showed to me my trans- 
 gressions that I had committed. " I will go and re- 
 turn to my place, till they acknowledge their offence, 
 and seek my face; in their affliction they will seek 
 me early." 2. He sometimes remarkably punished 
 me, and wrote my sin upon my punishment : " Be- 
 cause, when I knew God, I glorified him not as 
 God, neither was thankful; but became vain in my 
 imaginations :" therefore God, though he gave me 
 not (glory to his name) " to vile affections," yet he 
 let them loose to molest me. He, as it were, gave 
 a commission to the King of Egypt, Assyria, or 
 Babylon, some of my powerful neighbouring ene- 
 mies, evils to which I had formerly been in bondage, 
 with which I had been in friendship, on which to 
 my wounding, I had doted, and therefore now hated 
 above all others, to some one or other, or it may be 
 more, gave he a commission or permission to invade 
 me : and then I began to consider what I had done, 
 and open mine eyes when I was in the strait, and 
 closely assaulted by them. 3. Sometimes again, 
 and most frequently, by his word and Spirit in ordi- 
 nances, he roused me, and laid, as it were, his finger 
 on the sore, told me all that I had done, he sent a 
 Nathan that told, " Thou art the man." "Who- 
 ever get away with sin, his own will not get leave to 
 lie still, though they may lie long in it : " You only 
 have I known, of all the families of the earth; there- 
 fore I will punish you for all your iniquities." 
 
195 
 
 When the Lord discovered sin to me, then was 
 my soul troubled. 1. A sense of the wrath of God 
 was let into my conscience, which at sometimes was 
 very terrible. I had no rest, because his indigna- 
 tion went forth against me. The " poison of his 
 arrows drunk up my spirits." 2. My soul was filled 
 with shame, while a sense of innumerable evils, and 
 especially such as imported ingratitude and wretched 
 unkindness, lay heavy on my conscience, I could not 
 look up for blushing. I lay down in my shame, 
 and my confusion covered me. 3. I was cast into 
 dreadful fears, lest the Lord should " in anger shut 
 up his tender mercies, and be gracious no more," 
 and I should not get pardon, or at least a sense of 
 it any more. 
 
 Satan, who waited for my halting, finding me in 
 this case, frequently tempted me to give over duty. 
 
 1. He told me over all the marks of God's displea- 
 sure, and put the worst construction on every thing, 
 as he did with Cain. 2. He hereon tempted me to 
 draw this conclusion, that my sin was greater than 
 that it could be forgiven, and that so there was " no 
 succour in God" for me. And, 3. He told me, 
 there was no more forgiveness ; God's mercy was at 
 an end; he had "forgotten to be gracious:" and at- 
 tempted to prove it, by the unsuccessfulness of my 
 endeavours; and therefore inferred, that it was to no 
 purpose to " wait any longer." 
 
 But the Lord graciously broke the force of this 
 temptation. 1. Sometimes by faint discoveries of 
 forgiveness : " who can tell but he may be gracious." 
 
 2. By reminding me of former kindness, the " years 
 
 i 2 
 
196 
 
 of the right-hand of the Most High." and the dis- 
 coveries of the sovereignty of his grace, at first when 
 he manifested himself. 3. Bv letting 1 me see the 
 desperate result of this course, that ruin was inevit- 
 able in it ; if I sat still, I saw I was gone ; if I went 
 into the city, and again followed the course of the 
 world. I saw inevitable ruin there: and therefore I 
 resolved to throw myself upon him, and if he saved 
 me alive, I lived; and if otherwise, I should but die; 
 i. When this temptation was urged most violentlv, 
 and I was hard put to it, then I thought it not time 
 to dispute, whether ever the Lord had manifested 
 himself savingly, but yielded the worst as to rny case 
 that the tempter could pretend, and then I laid mv 
 . in all its aggravations, to the extensive promises 
 of the covenant. Be it granted, said I, that I am 
 but a hypocrite, that I never obtained pardon, that 
 I am the chief of sinners, that mv sins have such ag- 
 gravations as those with which none other of man- 
 kind's sins are attended, ' ; Yet the blood of Christ 
 cleanseth from all sin, and he came to save the chief 
 of sinners." This way proved often relieving. 
 
 When 1 had got over these temptations, then I 
 got up as I could, and resolved to seek him in the 
 use of all the duties of his appointment, meditation, 
 praver, reading, hearing. These duties I follower 1 
 with various success. For, 1. Sometimes when 1 
 endeavoured to confess my sins, the Lord closed mv 
 lips, and 1 had not a word to say. 2. Sometimes 1 
 went the round of duties; but with the spouse's suc- 
 •uirht liirn, but I found him not." 3. A: 
 other times I met with new stroke- : ' ; '1 be vatch- 
 
197 
 
 men that went about the city fount! me, and smote 
 me, and took away my vail ;" even the faithful ser- 
 vants of Christ made my wound deeper, by setting 
 home sin more closely. 
 
 Sometimes, being outwearied, and sense wearing 
 off through the weakness of our nature, diversions, 
 and the deceitfulness of sin, I attempted to speak 
 peace to myself, I got a sort of quietness and relief. 
 But this was easily discernible. For, 1. It left me 
 in my former deadness, and I was not as before, 
 when God spake peace. 2. I was easily induced to 
 " return again to folly." 3. When I said, " Peace, 
 peace, sudden destruction followed it." For the 
 Lord was wroth, and one way or other discovered his 
 displeasure against me; and finally, my own peace 
 did not heal the sore, for the wrath of God, shame, 
 and confusion, hovered over my head. 
 
 When the Lord discovered to me my mistake, 
 then he set me to work again, to inquire after him, 
 and to pursue the former course ; and when I had 
 gone a " little further, I found him," and he relieved 
 me ; and the way by which he relieved me was the 
 same with that by which he at first delivered me, 
 whereof I have before given an account, and there- 
 fore I shall here state it only more briefly. 1. The 
 Lord set my sin in all its aggravations, especially as 
 it struck against him, before mine eyes : " Against 
 thee, thee only, have I sinned, and in thy sight done 
 this ill." 2. The Lord led me up even to the foun- 
 tain, and discovered original sin as the source, and 
 all, at least many of the other bitter waters that 
 flowed from that bitter fountain, by the light of 
 
198 
 
 which he discovered this one, he (as it was with the 
 woman of Samaria) " told me all that ever I did in 
 my life." " Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and 
 in sin did my mother conceive me." 3. Very often 
 he laid before me, and brought me under an afflict- 
 ing sense, even of " the iniquities of my fathers," 
 and predecessors whom I never knew. 4. He cut 
 off all excuses, and made me self-convicted, and so 
 stopped my mouth quite, that I could neither deny 
 nor excuse ; and so I was guilty before God, being 
 stript of all my ornaments. 5. He discovered to me 
 what in justice he might do, and that he might cast 
 me off, and out of his sight, like Cain, and brought 
 me to own, that he would be righteous, holy, and 
 clear in judging thus ; and that any punishment on 
 this side hell would be mercy. 6. In this case, I 
 lay waiting to see what he would do with me, con- 
 vinced that whatever he should do, though I could 
 not but dread wrath and separation from him, and 
 cry against it, yet I owned all would be just. To 
 the Lord belongs righteousness, and to me shame 
 and confusion of face. 7. Then in mercy he inter- 
 posed, and made a gracious discovery of the " foun- 
 tain opened for sin and unclcanness ;" and that 
 blood of atonement that cleanses the conscience from 
 all sin, in the sight of the Lord. 8. By this he 
 drew my soul to close with, and with trembling to 
 rest on it : " Iniquities prevail against me, I must 
 confess; but as for our transgressions, thou wilt 
 purge them away." 9. Having, by this look, drawn 
 my eyes to look at him again, while I looked at him, 
 my soul melted into tears, and my heart, that was for- 
 
199 
 
 merly bound up, was loosed ; and my lips, formerly 
 sometimes quite closed, were opened. When I 
 looked on him whom I had pierced, I mourned, and 
 often, like Peter, I wept bitterly. Whereas before, 
 when I was lying self-condemned, guilty, and my 
 mouth stopped, I sometimes could scarce look up, or 
 give a sign or a groan, now I flowed in tears. 10. 
 While he thus answered me, and I seemed slow of 
 believing the news that were so good, and so unex- 
 pected, he created peace by the fruit of his lips; and, 
 as it were, by the word, forced it upon my soul, 
 and shed abroad his love in my heart. 1 1 . On this 
 I remembered all my former ways, which the Lord 
 had formerly discovered to me ; and was ashamed 
 for them, and even confounded, now when the Lord 
 was pacified. When he told me he would blot out 
 and forget my sins, then I had the most distinct and 
 affecting remembrance. Like Ephraim, when " I 
 was turned, I repented ; I smote upon my breast, I 
 was ashamed, and even confounded; because I bore 
 the reproach of my youth," and of my former ways. 
 But this shame was not that dispiriting shame, ac- 
 companied with distrust, and inclining to hang down 
 the hands ; but an ingenuous concern and blushing 
 for wretched unkindness, like that of the prodigal 
 when his father met him. 12. By this my spirit 
 was made tender, and I was put upon a resolution of 
 walking mournfully before him, " in the bitterness 
 of my soul." 13. Hereafter, while this discovery 
 of forgiveness and peace by it continued, I was made 
 in some measure watchful of " returning again to 
 folly." 14. 1 was quickened to duty: " Then will 
 
200 
 
 I teach transgressors thy ways, and sinners shall be 
 turned unto thee." 15. While this lasted, and 
 was not marred again by sin, the sins of others, and 
 every provocation, by whomsoever done, I could 
 mourn over it. Rivers of tears were ready to run 
 down mine eyes, because transgressors kept not God's 
 law. 16. By this the conscience being purged, I 
 now recovered that filial boldness of entering into 
 the Lord's presence " by the blood of Jesus Christ ;" 
 yet with much tenderness and awe upon my soul. 
 Finally, hereby my soul was much weaned from all 
 things else, and endeared to the Lord. To this 
 state the Lord frequently brought me. And now, 
 alas ! while I more rarely attain unto this exercise of 
 repentance and faith, in such liveliness as then I often 
 did, I am made many times to wish, as to this re- 
 pentance, tli at it were with me as in months past, 
 though I dare not wish for the occasions of it again. 
 At that time, when I was assaulted with boisterous 
 lusts, and foiled by them, and my conscience defiled 
 with guilt, the Lord did frequently lift me up ; yea, 
 lifted me sweetly up. 
 
 To prevent mistakes, I shall subjoin a few obser- 
 vations concerning this exercise. 1. Though at 
 sometimes the Lord carried on this work gradually, 
 even as to time ; yet at other seasons, all this was 
 done, as it were, at once and in a moment. The 
 Lord, as he did to David, in one breathing spoke 
 sin and peace. 2. There was a very great dif- 
 ference as to degrees in this work, sometimes con- 
 victions and humiliations were deeper, and discoveries 
 of forgiveness clearer, and the exercise of faitli and 
 
201 
 
 repentance more lively, and sometimes less so. But 
 whenever God did thoroughly recover me from any 
 grievous fall, all things in substance were found. 
 3. This was not always of alike continuance ; some- 
 times, through my own fault, I quickly lost the jewel, 
 and provoked him at the Red Sea. 4. Though 
 God, to punish me for my wickedness, sometimes 
 let me seek peace long before I obtained it ; yet at 
 some seasons, to show the sovereignty of his grace, 
 and that I might not pretend that it was my seeking 
 that moved him to show mercy, he surprised me 
 immediately upon the back of my sin, before ever I 
 had thought in the least what I had done, and gave 
 me such a look as made me weep bitterly. And 
 when it was thus, it deeply affected my soul, and 
 filled me with the most deep self-loathing and detes- 
 tation, and the highest wonder at the riches, free- 
 dom, and astonishing sovereignty of grace. 5. 
 There is one thing I may observe with grief of 
 heart, that the most terrible enemies are not the 
 most dangerous. At that time, I was attacked with 
 sins that were easily known to be sins, my conscience 
 was easily convinced of them, and alarmed with 
 them, and thereby was more deeply exercised, and 
 sought more after distinct discoveries of forgiveness, 
 which were attended with all these pleasant effects ; 
 since that the Lord in some measure broke these 
 lusts, I have been assaulted with less discernible evils, 
 sins under the mask of duties ; and these secretly 
 destroy my strength, and rarely and with difficulty 
 are they discovered in their exceeding sinfulness ; 
 and so, when it is much needed, I am more a stran- 
 i3 
 
202 
 
 ger to the state of repentance. But as I see 1 need 
 it, so the Lord knows I long to be brought into it, 
 and to be humbled, especially for secret and hidden 
 sins that wasted the strength. Often have I been 
 made to think of this, that all the excuses mentioned 
 in the parable of the supper, that kept them that were 
 invited from closing with the offer, were taken from 
 occasions in themselves lawful. And no doubt, the 
 excuses by which the Lord's own people are kept 
 from that nearness that it is their duty and interest to 
 seek after, flow from the same things : I have found 
 them far the more dangerous and hurtful hindrances. 
 The Lord by such exercises instructed me since, 
 and even at the time, in several useful lessons. 1. 
 The Lord in this way taught me how to walk with 
 him. He dealt with me as we are wont to do with 
 children, he held me by the hand, he let me well 
 nigh slip, and sometimes fall, and this to let me 
 know I was not able to go alone ; and then he gra- 
 ciously raised me up, and comforted me, that I 
 should not by this be altogether discouraged from 
 walking in his way : "I taught Ephraim also to go, 
 taking them by their arms ; but they knew not that 
 I healed them. I drew them with the cords of a 
 man, with bands of love ; and I was to them as 
 they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid 
 meat unto them." 2. As the Lord, by the preva- 
 lence of sin, taught the necessity of an extensive 
 remedy, so, by the experience of forgiveness in such 
 cases as I have mentioned, he taught me the cer- 
 tainty of this, that this forgiveness is really as ex- 
 tensive, rich, and free as the case requires. 3. He, 
 
203 
 
 by the experience of this, enabled me to understand 
 better, and speak more feelingly of these truths than 
 otherwise I could have done, and to comfort others 
 with comforts, not only real but experienced, even 
 such with which I had been comforted of God ; thus 
 what I have heard, and seen, and handled of the 
 word of life, that declared I to others. 4. The 
 Lord gave me some acquaintance with the nature, 
 exercise, and effects of the most useful and necessary 
 graces of his Spirit, faith, repentance, &c. And, 
 finally, the Lord beat down self very much by this 
 exercise. Of this design the Lord of late, while I 
 read in my family, in the 9th chapter of Deutero- 
 nomy, gave me a pleasant view, which I shall repre- 
 sent in the following remarks from that chapter. 
 
 1. God's great design upon Israel, is to manifest 
 the glory of his grace, mercy, patience, faithfulness 
 in their salvation, their deliverance from Egypt, and 
 putting them in possession of Canaan. See verses 
 5, 6. 
 
 2. Naturally sinners, as all his people are such, 
 are, and appear very opposite to this design, being 
 deeply selfish, as this chapter and the whole of the 
 Scriptures manifest. And this self has two branches, 
 which are like its two eyes, self-strength and self- 
 righteousness, ver. 1, 2, 5, 6. 
 
 3. Self, in these two branches, is very strong. 
 We are ready to pretend, that our own strength car- 
 ried us through these difficulties, when once we have 
 overcome them, which we were so far from being 
 able of ourselves to grapple with, that the very 
 thoughts of them frightened us; compare ver. 1, 2, 
 
204 
 
 of this chapter with the 13th and 14 th chapters of 
 Numbers. And we are ready to ascribe to our own 
 righteousness what we get, when we meanwhile are 
 not worthy of the least of all God's mercies, ver. 5, 
 6, &c 
 
 4. Yet how strong soever these are, they must 
 be subdued. In order to this, the Lord, after he 
 begins to manifest himself to his people, leads them 
 not presently into Canaan, but carries them through 
 the wilderness, where a variety of temptations draw 
 out discoveries of their secret corruptions, their weak- 
 ness and wickedness, ver. 6, 7. 
 
 5. The discoveries of God's patience, mercy, and 
 grace, and of his people's weakness and wickedness, 
 especially after remarkable manifestations of the 
 Lord, are means of which the Lord makes use, and 
 remarkably blesses, to cure them of these distempers, 
 and to put out these two eyes of the wicked idol. 
 Consider the whole chapter. 
 
 6. The Lord, for this end, whenever he is about 
 to complete or carry on the begun deliverance and 
 mercy, revives the impression of these things. Read 
 the whole chapter, particularly ver 7. 
 
 Many other gracious designs did the Lord in this 
 way carry on; he let me see the bitterness of sin, 
 aud discovered it to be exceeding sinful ; he let me 
 sec much of the hellish ingratitude of my heart ; he 
 let mc see the necessity of coming daily to the 
 throne of grace, for grace to help in time of need, 
 and for mercy and forgiveness. He made me see 
 with wonder, how one view of forgiveness and par- 
 doning mercy alienates the soul more from sin, than 
 
205 
 
 twenty sights, nay, tastes of hell, which Pelagians 
 cannot understand, and many other things. 
 
 Besides these more gross evils I fell into, through 
 the violence of temptation, I was exercised about the 
 guilt of sins of daily incursion and infirmity, dead- 
 ness, wandering in duty, and innumerable others. 
 When I began to be first exercised about forgive- 
 ness, I was much difficulted about these; and I 
 shall, in the following particulars, state my exercise 
 about them. 1. When the Lord manifested him- 
 self, his enemies fled before him, and received a 
 stunning stroke, as has been showed. 2. It was 
 some time before any of the stronger enemies dis- 
 covered themselves again ; presumptuous sins, as has 
 been represented, for a time kept quiet. The first 
 discoveries of the remaining power of indwelling sin 
 which I obtained was in the invasion of sin, of daily 
 infirmity: " For in many things we offend all." 
 3. On this I began to be much discouraged, neither 
 understanding well our state here, that if any man 
 say, he has no sin, he deceives himself; and the 
 gracious provision made for this case in the covenant 
 of grace, the daily sacrifice, that is the daily applica- 
 tion to the throne of grace, the blood of atonement, 
 the fountain opened; and so being under a fond 
 and groundless expectation of entire freedom from 
 sin. 4. My foolish expectation being quickly dis- 
 appointed by the outbreaking of these sins, I wist 
 not what to do: I thought it hard to trouble him 
 who had been so kind, to seek new favours. The 
 pride of my heart could not stoop to be continually, 
 daily, hourly, indebted for new favours: I would 
 
•206 
 
 have been a lord, and come no more to Christ. 
 This pride was so masked up, that at that time I did 
 not discern it, but since the Lord has made it mani- 
 fest. 5. But necessity has no law, they grew 
 many: " For who can understand his errors?" and 
 the light of the Lord daily discovered more and more 
 of them. 6. On this I endeavoured to humble my- 
 self distinctly for every one of them, and to make a 
 distinct application to the throne of grace about 
 each ; but when I began to observe them, they were 
 so many, that if I had followed this course, my 
 whole time would not have sufficed. Hereon the 
 Lord led me to that course, which a worthy friend, 
 to whom I owe much for a distinct understanding of 
 the Lord's work with me, told me what Franciscus 
 Desales, a Popish casuist, advises to in this case : I 
 was fain to take them all in the lump, or rather to 
 go with them all on me at once, and plunge myself 
 in the fountain that is opened for uncleanness ; that 
 is, I took a view of myself as denied by innumerable 
 evils of this sort, and under a sense of them, cast 
 myself upon the glorious atonement, and endeavoured 
 to lay stress for cleansing as to them all, whether 
 such as I discerned distinctly, or such as I had not 
 yet discovered, on that blood that " cleanseth from 
 all sin ;" which I think was the Psalmist's way un- 
 der the like case : " Who can understand his errors? 
 Cleanse thou me from secret faults. Keep back thy 
 servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not 
 have dominion over me: then shall I be upright, 
 and I shall be innocent from the great transgression." 
 That Popish casuist before mentioned, as my worthy 
 
207 
 
 friend told me, illustrates this by a very elegant ! simi- 
 litude. " If a man see one or two filthy creatures 
 on him, he shakes or washes them off: but if he look 
 and see himself all overspread with such, then he 
 must bethink himself of some general course; he 
 goes to some bridge, and leaps into a deep pool, and 
 drowns them all, and leaves them behind him.' , If 
 any one grosser sin overtake us, we must endeavour 
 a distinct recovery and intimation of pardon, by a 
 distinct application to the blood of sprinkling; but 
 when we look upon these sins which cannot be num- 
 bered and searched out, and which are still growing, 
 then we must betake ourselves with the man to the 
 bridge, and leap into the pool. 7. To make this 
 matter yet plainer, I observe, that the light wherein 
 that plenteous redemption that is with God, was 
 first discovered, though variously clouded and dark- 
 ened, yet continued in some measure : a child of 
 light continues light in the Lord ; he may walk in 
 darkness, and to his sense have no light, while yet it 
 is the remainder of light that makes him discern his 
 darkness; but he really is not darkness as before; 
 he has summer's sun, that shines longer, brighter, 
 and warmer ; and his winter's sun, that shines shorter, 
 is more frequently clouded, and has less heat; he 
 has his fair days, and foul and rainy days, and a 
 changeable intercourse of day and night, wherein he 
 has only the moon and stars ; but there is still light 
 more or less. 8. When no extraordinary indis- 
 position, no extraordinary darkness was on me, this 
 habitual discovery of forgiveness, and the way to it, 
 had its own use. The winter's sun was not able to 
 
208 
 
 revive when I was cast into any of those distempers 
 above-mentioned: and therefore, as has been above 
 narrated in that case, I waited a glimpse of the sun 
 in its strength; but, generally by the direction of 
 that light, I endeavoured daily, as to sins of infir- 
 mity, to betake myself in prayer to the blood of 
 atonement, according as the Lord has taught us by 
 the daily morning and evening sacrifice under the 
 law : as for particular cases and pollutions, there 
 were other institutions with respect to them. 9. 
 This application by prayer to " the redemption that 
 is in Christ, even the forgiveness of sin through 
 faith in his blood," according to this discovery of it, 
 in and by prayer, especially when the Lord quick- 
 ened by any new glimpse ; for the winter sun has 
 his warm and refreshing beams, even in the coldest 
 season. This application, I say, especially when the 
 Lord, as he frequently did, gave any new breath- 
 ing, did relieve me, and help to quiet my conscience 
 as to the afflicting sense of these sins of daily incur- 
 sion : when the Lord helped me to pray for cleansing 
 from secret sins, and keep " back from presumptuous 
 sins," I was satisfied as to my uprightness and free- 
 dom from the great transgression, and acceptance 
 with him, in following any duty of my station, 
 through the Beloved. 10. As the case was not so 
 urgent, so neither was the relief so discernible ; but 
 it was sufficient to answer in some measure the end 
 above-mentioned, freedom from dispiriting discour- 
 agement, and some measure of comfort and quiet as 
 to my acceptance with God through Christ. 
 
 I conclude with four observations as to the whole. 
 
209 
 
 ] Though we may sometimes heal our own wound 
 slightly, yet it is God's prerogative to speak solid 
 peace ; yea, and the speaking of it is a work of the 
 greatest power, where the conscience is really exer- 
 cised: it is a creating peace; and where he creates 
 it, he can make it take effect : " When he giveth 
 quietness, who then can make trouble ? and when he 
 hideth his face, who then can behold him? whether 
 it be done against a nation, or against a man only." 
 2. The Lord let me see, that considering the pride 
 and unbelief of our hearts, and the greatness of our 
 guilt, it is not easy to obtain a belief that the for- 
 giveness that is with God is able to answer all we 
 need, and so to engage a sinner to betake himself to 
 it at all times, when once he comes to see his state 
 thoroughly; and when this unbelief is in some mea- 
 sure mastered, and the soul satisfied of the fulness 
 of the fountain, and the extensive, nay infinite reach 
 of the forgiveness that is with God, and the pride of 
 heart so far broken, that the soul is willing to be 
 daily indebted to grace and mercy; it is not easy to 
 keep up either a due detestation of sin, or keep our 
 carnal hearts from a common use of it, or rather an 
 abuse of it. Here, in my opinion, lies one of the 
 greatest secrets of practical godliness, and the high- 
 est attainment in close walking with God; to come 
 daily and wash, and yet to keep as great a value for 
 this discovery of forgiveness, as if it were once only 
 to be obtained, and no more. Indeed, the more we 
 see of it, the more we should value it ; but our car- 
 nal hearts, on the contrary, turn formal, and count 
 it a common thing. That which is our daily allow- 
 
210 
 
 ance we value little, and we are fond of novelties 
 and dainties. Bread is more precious than most, 
 nay any, of the rarities which men purchase at so 
 dear a rate; but because God has provided it in 
 plenty, and we daily use it, therefore we make a light 
 account of it. Blessed are they with whom it is 
 otherwise in the case now in hand. 3. I observe 
 that the joy of the Lord is then only to be retained 
 when we walk tenderly and circumspectly; it is in- 
 consistent, not only with the entertainment of any 
 gross sin, but with a careless walk : " Then had 
 the churches rest throughout all Judea, and Galilee, 
 and Samaria, and were edified; walking in the fear 
 of the Lord, and in the comfort of the Holy Ghost." 
 4. I observe, then, when I was at the lowest ebb as 
 to forgiveness, doubting if the Lord would pardon, 
 after many duties have been attempted, without 
 finding the Lord, or any sense of his love, I have 
 often found him in the duty of thankfulness. And 
 although one will say, What had I then to be 
 thankful for? I answer, I began thus, What a 
 mercy is it that I am out of hell ! " It is of the 
 Lord's mercies I am not consumed;" blessed be the 
 Lord for this. Again, What a mercy it is, that 
 not only the Lord has helped me to notice his mercy 
 in keeping me out of hell, but to be thankful for it. 
 Again, Blessed be the Lord that has kept me out 
 of hell ; blessed be the Lord that has made me ob- 
 serve it with thankfulness ; and blessed be the Lord, 
 that has made me observe his mercy in helping me 
 to thankfulness. Thus 1 have gone on till the Lord 
 has led me to a sense of his love, and restored com- 
 
211 
 
 fort to my soul. They that will praise the Lord for 
 little, shall have more : " Let the people praise thee, 
 O God ; let all the people praise thee. Then shall 
 the earth yield her increase; and God, even our own 
 God, shall bless us." 
 
 Upon a further observation of this variety of cases, 
 with which I was exercised, the Lord's management 
 of them, and what I have felt in myself, I see, be- 
 sides the fruits before-mentioned, many others. 1. 
 The Lord hereby rebuked me for my fondness of 
 enlargement, and my thinking to live a life of sense, 
 and trained me somewhat up to a life of faith, the 
 faith of adherence, that cleaves to God, as revealed 
 in the word, and refuses to quit the word, even when 
 it finds not the Lord in it in a sensible way that re- 
 freshes, which certainly is more strong than that 
 which cleaves to it, when it feels sensible refresh- 
 ment and power to trust in God when hidden and 
 threatening to slav ; it is to hope against hope. 2. 
 He taught me not to judge of my state by my frames : 
 besides many other lessons that now I recollect not. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 My Exercise about the Being of God, and showing 
 the Way of my Relief from this Temptation. 
 
 I have before mentioned, and given some account 
 of my trials about the being of God. Being now 
 to give an account of the relief, it will be proper to 
 
212 
 
 recapitulate briefly my whole exercise with respect to 
 this, and set the temptation and the relief together. 
 
 I have showed above, that I was early, even as 
 soon almost as I began to have any close concern 
 about religion, exercised with temptations in refer- 
 ence to this great and fundamental truth. But at 
 first I had no arguments urged against this truth, or 
 injected into my mind. Only being made to see, 
 that this was the hinge on which the whole of reli- 
 gion turns, all hopes depend, and by which all prac- 
 tices were to be regulated, 1 found myself at a loss 
 for want of an evidence, sufficiently clear, and strong, 
 and convincing, which I thought necessary, with 
 respect to a truth on which so much weight was to 
 be laid. In a word, I was at Pharaoh's pass : 
 " Who is the Lord, that I should obey him, and 
 let Israel go?" Plainly, very great things are de- 
 manded of me, and I am called to hope for great 
 things ; and before I trust so far, I would be satis- 
 fied to know more of that God in whom I am to 
 trust as to such great things. 
 
 But afterwards Satan attacked me by subtile sug- 
 gestions, as I have showed before, took me at a 
 disadvantage, when I was estranged from God, and 
 my mind intent upon abstract subtilties : and while 
 I followed such vain speculations, intruding into 
 things I had not seen, he took his opportunity, and 
 said daily, " Where is thy God ?" And when he 
 had got me down, he triumphed, Where is now 
 that mouth, with which thou didst all along reproach 
 Atheists ? Such are their arguments ; try your 
 strength with them, and fight them. 
 
213 
 
 On this a sharp conflict began in my breast. 
 On the one hand, Satan, in conjunction with the 
 natural atheism of my heart, plied me hard with 
 " fiery darts," and subtile sophistry, arguments 
 sometimes astonishing, so far were they above my 
 reach. On the other hand, 1, a poor apostate crea- 
 ture, sadly darkened, but yet retaining some re- 
 mainders of light, which God has made manifest in 
 my conscience, as in those of other men, and some- 
 what confirmed in those notions of God by educa- 
 tion, the outward dispensation of the word, and, it 
 may be, by some common work of the Spirit, rivet- 
 ing all the former, keeping alive these impressions, 
 or at least restraining Satan and my corruptions from 
 blotting them out. Against that formidable confe- 
 deracy, I, such an one as 1 have now represented my- 
 self, made head, and appeared. 
 
 In this conflict, I used various means: 1. I some- 
 times rejected the suggestions, and refused them a 
 hearing : " Who art thou that repliest (or disputest) 
 against God?" It shocks nature's light to say, 
 " There is no God." Even the fool dare scarce 
 say it out. 2. Sometimes I prevented them, as it 
 were, and not only refused an hearing, but repre- 
 senting in my own soul how deep resentment such a 
 provocation, such a motion deserved. If any man 
 will plead against God, or for Baal, none shall en- 
 treat for him, but he should early be put to death, 
 Judges vi. 31. 3. When the impudent enemy would 
 not thus be put off, I endeavoured to maintain the 
 truth, and answer his arguments. But his instances 
 were so many, and so subtile, that I couid not prevail 
 
214 
 
 this way : the longer I stood arguing the case, I was 
 put to the greater loss. When he comes on speak- 
 ing terms, he is too hard for us;, and no wonder he 
 is so for us ; for he worsted our first parents in inno- 
 cence. 4. When I found this, then I often would 
 wish for a discovery of God himself. O that he 
 would appear, and " O that I knew where I might 
 find him !" when my wishes took no effect. 5. The 
 devil on this took advantage to tell me, that he did 
 not appear; and that surely, if there was a God, he 
 would help one that was standing up for him in such 
 a strait. In this case, I sometimes hoped that he 
 would arise, and then mine enemies would be made 
 to flee before him ; though the truth is, I could give 
 but little reason for it. 6. Sometimes I prayed. 
 Satan urged me with the unreasonableness of pray- 
 ing till I was once sure there was a God : and, I 
 confess, I was sometimes hardly put to it, to defend 
 the practice; yet I always inclined to the affirma- 
 tive, and thought, that if there was a God, as I 
 durst not say but I had reason to think there was, 
 he could best satisfy me as to his own being. 7. I 
 was sometimes obliged to flee him, and seek sanc- 
 tuary in diversions. 8. Sometimes the Lord merci- 
 fully restrained him, and he left me for a season. 
 
 While this trial was lengthened out, the Lord 
 frequently gave some check to it and to Satan: 1. 
 By clear discoveries of the horrible tendency of the 
 temptations, that they tended to destroy the founda- 
 tion of all human happiness; cast reproach upon all 
 the best and wisest in the world, and account and 
 set up proud fools as the only happy and wise men : 
 
215 
 
 " If the foundations are destroyed, what hath the 
 righteous done ?" Then are the proud happy, and 
 they that hate God are exalted. 2. I was relieved 
 by the consideration of the comfortable issue others 
 had gotten, who had been in like manner exercised : 
 " Our fathers trusted in God ; they trusted in God, 
 and were helped." 3. God sometimes let me see 
 some glimpses of his glory, even in the works of 
 creation : " The heavens declare his glory." 4. 
 The Lord, sometimes, from the word, relieved me 
 by some beams of his glory. And I remember I 
 was oftener than once helped by the Lord's suggest- 
 ing, with unusual power, the three children's answer 
 to the king of Babylon, with the glorious issue : 
 " O Nebuchadnezzar, we are not careful to answer 
 thee in this matter. If it be so, our God, whom 
 we serve, is able to deliver us from the burning fiery 
 furnace; and he will deliver us out of thine hand. 
 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we 
 will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden 
 image which thou hast set up." There was some- 
 thing indeed here that I could not reach : but my 
 heart was affected with the noble resolution, and 
 encouraged to attempt, weakly as I could, to write 
 after their copy; and the result was encouraging. 
 
 5. The devil, in these temptations, acted so visible 
 a part, that I could not but discern that there was 
 a devil ; and when I saw him so deeply engaged in 
 this quarrel, I was strongly induced to think he was 
 not come out against a straw, or to hunt a shadow. 
 
 6. When the Lord began to deal with me closely 
 about sin, the edge of this temptation was much 
 
216 
 
 blunted. Satan could not easily prevail in persuad- 
 ing me there was no God, while I found his " arrows 
 stick hard in me, and the poison of them drinking 
 up my spirits." 
 
 But yet I was not fully relieved. Nothing but 
 a discovery of God could give a full defeat to Satan. 
 Wherefore the Lord at length pitied me; not in 
 the way that I could have desired ; for I would have 
 had it then. But considering I was then an un- 
 humbled enemy, God could not have appeared 
 otherwise than an enemy, and I could not have thus 
 seen him and lived. Such an appearance would 
 indeed have made me " believe and tremble." But 
 this would have cast me into new trouble. Where- 
 fore the Lord led me to proper satisfaction another 
 way : he discovered sin in the way above-mentioned ; 
 and by this discovery, as I have now hinted, diverted 
 the violence of this temptation, and broke its force, 
 as has been above hinted : for " he stays his rough 
 wind in the day of his east wind." And having thus 
 humbled me, he gave me the above-mentioned disco- 
 very of himself in his glory in Christ Jesus. 
 
 That then which brought me to a soul-satisfying 
 assent, and repelled all temptations against the being 
 of a God, was the above-mentioned view of him in 
 his glory. While " God who commanded the light. 
 to shine out of darkness," by his word and Spirit 
 " shining into my mind, to give me the light of 
 the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of 
 Jesus Christ," I could not desiderate any more 
 satisfying evidence of his being. And while that 
 light did shine, or when at any time it does shine, 
 
217 
 
 Satan then dares not oppose. All the mountains 
 of opposition, the bulky arguments, that appear like 
 rocks and hills, shook at the presence of the Lord, 
 and were carried into the midst of the sea. And 
 now the light being come, and the Lord being seen 
 in his own light, I had manifold and satisfying evi- 
 dences of this glorious truth. 
 
 1. I had the evidence of sight, not by the eye of 
 the body, but by that of faith ; I saw the glory of 
 God as represented in the word, shining with the 
 clearest lustre, that satisfied me it was truth, and no 
 lie. The glory was so great, that it not only let 
 me see, and convinced me of its reality, but really 
 convinced me in some measure, that nothing else is 
 real. This sight gave me more consistent and be- 
 coming notions of God, his nature and attributes, 
 than ever I attained before ; which shook the foun- 
 dation of many of my former scruples that proceeded 
 only from my ignorance and darkness about the na- 
 ture of God. 
 
 2. I had the evidence of the ear; for I heard 
 him speak, not to my bodily ears, but to my soul; 
 and his voice sufficiently distinguished itself from 
 the voice of any creature. For, 1. He spoke terror 
 to me from Sinai; and then, when my soul was as 
 the troubled sea, he said, " Peace, be still;" and 
 with authority commanded he "the winds and the 
 sea," and they obeyed, and presently there was a 
 calm. His word enlightened mine eyes, and con- 
 verted my soul. It was a powerful voice that came 
 from the Lord most high. " The law of the Lord 
 is perfect, converting the soid. The testimony of 
 
 K 11 
 
218 
 
 the Lord is sure, making wise the simple. The 
 statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart. 
 The commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening 
 the eyes." 
 
 3. I had likewise a feeling of his power. I not 
 only heard his voice, hut I felt his power, " casting 
 me down," and raising me up again, and saying to 
 one that was weak, " Be strong;" yea, and com- 
 manding strength. Thus my faith stood not " in 
 the wisdom of man, but in the power of God." 1 
 have before told what of his power I felt, what 
 effects were wrought, and so here I forbear any fur- 
 ther account. 
 
 4. I was now made to " taste and see that the 
 Lord is good, and that the soul that trusts in him is 
 blessed." " I sat down under his shadow, and the 
 fruits above-mentioned were sweet to my taste." 
 
 5. 1 was made to feel the savour, and relish a 
 fragrant sweetness in his word, works, and ways. 
 His name was " as ointment poured forth," and 
 therefore I loved him. 
 
 6. By this all my objections were solved, " Faith 
 is the evidence of things not seen ;" it not only 
 satisfies the soul about them by the clearest evidence, 
 but it reproves contrary objections : " At the bright- 
 ness that was before him, the dark clouds passed 
 away." My objections were now like those kings 
 mentioned by the Psalmist, who had come in com- 
 bination to ruin the church, but were frightened by 
 God's appearing: " Lo, the kings were assembled; 
 they passed together. They saw it, and so they 
 marvelled; they were troubled, and hasted away. 
 
219 
 
 Fear took hold upon them there, and pain, as of a 
 woman in travail." Just so it was with my adver- 
 saries ; faith (as the word rendered evidence, Heb. 
 xi. 1. signifies,) reproved them, and at this rebuke 
 they fled. For, 1. If they should now say, " Where 
 is thy God ?" 1 was ready to reply, " Lo, this God 
 is our God, we have waited for him, and he will 
 save us ; we have waited for him, and will be glad 
 in his salvation." 2. If they should now object to 
 the seeming inconsistency of his attributes, which 
 was often made use of to trouble me, I had an an- 
 swer given, a word put into my mouth. At the 
 same time God condescended to show me his back- 
 parts ; he satisfied me, that no man could behold his 
 face. He, by the discovery, gave me a view of his 
 incomprehensibihty, sufficient to silence all these : 
 " Canst thou by searching find out God? Canst 
 thou find out the Almighty unto perfection?" Our 
 short fine cannot measure God. 3. When the 
 seeming confusion and disorders in his government 
 were urged, I now had an answer to all these : 
 " He gives an account of none of his matters." 
 " His way is in the sea, and his path in the great 
 waters : his footsteps are not known." Yet, though 
 " clouds and darkness are round about him, righteous- 
 ness and judgment are the habitation of his throne." 
 4. The Lord really cleared many particular objec- 
 tions as to all these heads ; and by this discovery of 
 himself in the sanctuary, he satisfied me in a rational 
 way, yet above reason, letting me see rational an- 
 swers in the fight of his word and Spirit. He 
 laughs at the prosperity of the wicked, because he 
 k2 
 
220 
 
 sees their day coming. Thus were mine enemies 
 foiled; and, " so let all thine enemies perish, O Lord." 
 This light, thus kindled, he daily increased, and 
 confirmed me every day more and more by new dis- 
 coveries of himself from the word. And now I 
 could look with satisfaction upon the heavens and 
 the earth, and see the print of his hand upon them. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 An Account hoiu I came to be satisfied that the 
 Scriptures are the Word of God, and how Tempt- 
 ations, in reference to them, were repelled. 
 
 To give a clear account of the issue of my tempta- 
 tion, it will be necessary that I shortly recapitulate 
 what formerly has been spoken concerning the trial, 
 and my behaviour under it. 
 
 This temptation did not attack me so early as the 
 former, but it was managed much in the same way : 
 sometimes my mind only hung in suspense, and 
 hovered in uncertainty for want of evidence propor- 
 tioned to the importance of the truth for my faith to 
 fix on. At other times, I was strangely harassed 
 with violent temptations, multiplied and subtile ob- 
 jections, which thronged daily in on my mind, by 
 reading books full of them, by converse with enemies 
 to the word, by Satan's suggestions, which were by 
 much the most subtile and troublesome to me. 
 
 This exercise was in some measure more perplex- 
 
221 
 
 in<r than the former, because it was no less ruinins 
 to all satisfaction in rehgion ; the objections were 
 much more plausible, they were far more in num- 
 ber, and entertained by persons of a better charac- 
 ter, and the evidence of the truth lay farther from 
 the comprehension of an unenlightened mind. 
 
 Before the trial came, the Lord gave, by con- 
 siderations formerly mentioned, sometimes a merci- 
 ful check to my temptations, and kept them from 
 quite overwhelming me; of which I have formerly 
 given some account. 
 
 I tried many ways besides prayer and attendance 
 upon ordinances ; I bought, borrowed, and read 
 many books written in defence of them, which 
 wanted not its own solid use ; for hereby I obtained 
 a deep rational conviction of the truth, and so was 
 emboldened to plead for it against my enemies, and 
 oft-times to beat them at their own weapons ; and I 
 got many particular objections fully answered, and 
 was thereby encouraged to wait for full satisfaction, 
 without despairing : especially one book had this 
 tise. After I had, without the satisfaction I desiped 
 though not without the fruits above-mentioned, pe- 
 rused many later writings, the Lord led me to look 
 into the Fulfilling of the Scriptures, which had been 
 lying by me neglected ; and I found this more con- 
 vincing than any I had read, because it brought me 
 nearer the proper evidence on which faith should fix 
 than any of the rest : it discovered more of the in- 
 trinsic worth of the word than the other, and pleaded 
 strongly in point of reason. 
 
 Yet, after all this, my mind remained unsatisfied ; 
 
222 
 
 none of these arguments had authority to repel tempt- 
 ation, being but the wisdom of men ; nor, on the 
 same account, did they lay a foundation for divine 
 faith ; nor did they enlighten a darkened mind to 
 see the evidence of God in the word; nor were they 
 able to rectify an indisposed palate, and convey a 
 taste and savour of the word of God to the soul, 
 that was able to satisfy me that it was such bread 
 as a man might live by. 
 
 Thus it continued with me until the Lord came, 
 and made the afore-mentioned discovery of his glory 
 to my soul; and thereby I was relieved and satisfied 
 as to this doubt also. The Lord had before, when 
 I was under the convincing work of his Spirit, af- 
 fected my conscience with some sense of his autho- 
 rity in the word, evidencing itself by that convincing 
 and condemning light and power which 1 discerned 
 and felt; and thereby the force of the foregoing 
 temptation was usually broken in some measure, 
 when the Lord by the word fastened on my soul a 
 sense of my guilt ; but this discovery of sin by the 
 word being terrible to me, rather extorted an assent, 
 than induced to a willing consent and cheerful ac- 
 quiescence in the word as coming from God. But 
 the Lord, when he gave the before-mentioned relief 
 by the word, conveying a sense of his authority in 
 it, by a light and power that relieved my soul, re- 
 pelled temptations, revived, composed, comforted, and 
 strongly bore up a soul before depressed and bowed 
 down. This made me not only give an assent, but 
 with much pleasure acquiesce in this word as the 
 word of life ; then I found his words and did eat them, 
 
223 
 
 and I rejoiced as they that find great treasure, and 
 they were " to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart." 
 And by this I was sweetly satisfied as to the Scrip- 
 tures being his word ; for they did many ways evince 
 that they were from him. 
 
 1. All discoveries of guilt were conveyed by them, 
 before and since my relief. God by it revealed to 
 me sins which none save God, that searches the 
 heart, could know; it made these sins manifest which 
 I knew not that any creature else knew ; by it the 
 secrets of my heart were made manifest ; and there- 
 fore, I could not but fall clown, and own that God 
 was in it of a truth ; and that indeed it was a beam 
 from the Fountain of Light, " For whatever maketh 
 manifest is light ;" and that it was from him who 
 tries the reins, and sets our secret sins in the light 
 of Iris countenance. It discerned the thoughts and 
 intents of my heart, in such a quick and powerful 
 way, and with that authority, that made me own it 
 the word of God. And now I was ready to say, 
 Come see a book that has told me all that ever I 
 did in my life, is not this the book of God ? 
 
 2. All the discoveries that the Lord gave of his 
 wrath were conveyed by the Scriptures; it was bv 
 them that his wrath was manifested to my soul, and 
 revealed from heaven against me. The word, as 
 the arrow of the Almighty, thrown by an omnipo- 
 tent arm, pierced and stuck in my soul; and the 
 poison of it drunk up my spirit; it was the rod of 
 God's strength, by which he broke and crushed me 
 while his enemy. 
 
 3. It was by the same word that he revealed to 
 
224 
 
 my soul that glorious discovery of his being, attri- 
 butes, purposes, and his whole will in reference to 
 my salvation by Jesus Christ, which I noticed be- 
 fore; by this he conveyed to my soul sweet and 
 satisfying evidences as to his being; satisfying, con- 
 sistent, and someway God-becoming notions of his 
 nature. Herein it was that he proclaimed his name, 
 " The Lord God, merciful and gracious" unto sin- 
 ners in Christ, as I have before showed. 
 
 4. It was by the word he conveyed all those con- 
 verting, transforming, quickening, supporting, re- 
 viving, composing influences above-mentioned. It 
 was his word converted my soul while I lay in sin ; 
 quickened me when I was dead, changed me into 
 his image in some measure ; revived me, and watered 
 me, when again I was weary ; supported and stayed 
 me when I was ready to faint; and composed me 
 when I was like the troubled sea. 
 
 5. It was by the same word that he let in glorious 
 discoveries of all the truths of religion wherewith I 
 was now made acquainted ; let me see the wonders 
 of his law, " excellent things in counsel and know- 
 ledge." By it he was pleased to discover the craft, 
 the power, the actings, and designs of my enemies ; 
 and by it he satisfied me of my doubts, let me see 
 his secret designs in my trials, and somewhat of his 
 designs in many of his public administrations, against 
 which I had before taken exception. 
 
 6. As all these discoveries and influences were con- 
 veyed by the word, so he now, in the conveyance, 
 affected my conscience with his authority, and evi- 
 denced that his name was in it, by that light and 
 
225 
 
 power peculiar to God, that went along with it. It 
 spake not in all these things as the Scribes and Pha- 
 risees, the wisest, the greatest, or the best of men, 
 but with another sort of authority and weight, it 
 spake as " never man spake." Whatever it said, 
 either with respect to God, or my case, or others, 
 my conscience was made to submit to it; when he 
 convinced by his word of things which I knew not 
 to be faults, and men notice not, conscience obeyed, 
 and took the hint; and, armed with his authority, 
 accused, arraigned, condemned, and, as it were, exe- 
 cuted the sentence too. Nor would it take shelter, 
 or regard defences or pleas from any other quarter. 
 When God spake wrath, he kindled a flame in my 
 soul by the breath of this word, that many waters 
 could not quench : he raised a storm in it, that I 
 could neither quiet, nor work against, so as to get 
 to land. The heart that before was as unconcerned 
 as a stone at reading the word, or hearing it, now 
 trembled and quaked. In like manner, when he 
 spoke peace, he created it. He made the deaf to 
 hear, and the hearer to live. He sent his word and 
 healed me; and immediately there was a calm. " The 
 winds and seas obeyed him ;" at his rebuke they fled. 
 Temptations after it spoke not again. When I was 
 self-destroyed, self-condemned, and, by its power, 
 driven from all pleas ; so that I durst neither deny, 
 excuse, nor extenuate, nor quarrel the hardest sen- 
 tence which I dreaded most ; and was thereby cast 
 into the greatest agony of trouble, when I was ready 
 to say with Job, " If I had called, and he had an- 
 swered me, yet would I not believe that he had 
 k3 
 
226 
 
 hearkened to my voice." When, with him, I refused 
 to be comforted, and scarce thought comfort possible; 
 yet, whenever he sent his word, it healed me, and 
 my soul was commanded to be at peace, a glorious 
 calm always ensued. Whereas, on the other hand, 
 when I or others endeavoured to speak peace to my- 
 self, mine enemies boldly repelled all, and fell on me, 
 as the devil did on the exorcists. 
 
 7. The Lord now sweetly relieved me as to my 
 doubts about the Scriptures. 1. Whereas mine 
 enemies had often pressed me with this, that there 
 were many pretenders to revelation, and in order to 
 perplex me, asked how I would or could distinguish 
 the word of God from these pretenders; the Lord 
 himself now gave a quieting reply : " The prophet 
 that hath a dream, let him tell a dream : and he that 
 hath my word, let him speak my word faithfully. 
 What is the chaff to the wheat, saith the Lord? Is 
 not my word like as a fire? saith the Lord ; and like 
 a hammer that brcaketh the rock in pieces ?" 2. He 
 was pleased particularly to speak these things to my 
 soul, at which I had stumbled, and often to evidence 
 his authority in and by these passages at which I 
 took exception. And this condescension was of 
 manifold use : it satisfied me as to those passages : 
 it reproved and humbled me for my unbelief and ig- 
 norance in quarrelling at them; it rendered me jea- 
 lous of the like temptations with respect to other 
 passages. It put me to plead for light as to what 
 wis dark from the Lord ; it gave me hope as to the 
 issue : " These things understood not his disciples 
 at the first. They said, therefore, What is this 
 
227 
 
 that he saith, A little while? We cannot tell what 
 he saith. — But when he had risen from the dead, 
 his disciples remembered that he had said this unto 
 them : and they believed the Scriptures, and the 
 word which Jesus had said." Then I was made to 
 say, with the disciples, " Lo, now speakest thou 
 plainly, and speakest no proverb." 3. Where I 
 was not presently satisfied, the Lord gave me sub- 
 sistence, as it were something to live on till light 
 came ; he satisfied me, from the word, of the reasons 
 of his expressing himself in the Scriptures in para- 
 bles to the midtitude ; and he told me, that what he 
 did and said, I knew not now; but encouraged me 
 to hope that I should know hereafter, when my need 
 required it. 4. He was as good as his word; for 
 when I was alone with him, he opened what before 
 was spoken in parables ; and while he opened the 
 Scriptures, and discovered my ignorance, he often 
 made my " heart burn within." 5. He satisfied me 
 as to many things that I was not yet " able to heal- 
 th em ;" as to others, that it was not for me to know 
 them at present ; that the proper season of light as 
 to them would come, when he would show me plainly 
 of them; and then should 1 know them. 6. He 
 discovered to me his wisdom and goodness in train- 
 ing me up to dependence, for the opening of " my 
 eyes to see the wonders of his law ;" and leading me 
 to importune him, that what I knew not he might 
 teach ; and discovering thereby, that I knew but in 
 part, and stood in need of the Spirit, to " guide into 
 all truth," to bring all things to remembrance ; and 
 that " it was my duty to meditate on God's law day 
 
228 
 
 and night ;" and search the Scriptures, and that with 
 much humility, since " the secret of the Lord is 
 with them that fear him, and he shows them his 
 covenant ;" and he guides " the meek in judgment," 
 and clearly teaches them his way. 
 
 8. When after this I read the Scriptures, and 
 found not that powerful light shining with that warn- 
 ing, quickening, and sparkling glory; yet I found 
 mine eyes opened, and an habitual light planted in 
 my soul, by which I was enabled almost every where 
 to discern the glory of the Lord in some measure ; 
 and thereby my conscience was secretly overawed, 
 and brought even then to regard them as his word ; 
 being translated out of darkness into light, and illu- 
 minated in some measure in the knowledge of God, 
 his nature, purposes, and the tendency of his whole 
 dealings with men; there was thereby a light re- 
 flected on the whole Scripture ; and I was generally 
 enabled to discern the congruity of all that I read 
 there to those discoveries of God, and how worthy 
 of him, and like himself, every thing was. And by 
 this abiding light, I was capable of discerning, in the 
 word, discoveries of the actings of sin in grace, a 
 penetration and exactness beyond the reach of any, 
 save the omniscient and only wise God. 
 
 And being thus once in this way quieted as to 
 the truth, in the same and other ways of a like na- 
 ture, I was daily confirmed. 
 
229 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 A short Account of the Issue of some other Tempta- 
 tions with which I had been exercised, and the 
 Relief I obtained, with respect to them, from the 
 Lord. 
 
 I have formerly showed, that Satan, who had 
 often tempted me to pride, when he found it for his 
 interest, turned himself another way, and made it 
 his work to drive me to a bastard sort of humility. 
 When I was caught in the thicket of his temptations 
 about the truth of the Scriptures, and other things 
 of a like nature, and was using means to get my 
 mind relieved, he often, with much importunity, 
 urged me with this thought, " To what purpose do 
 you seek for satisfaction, or how can you be so vain 
 as to expect it about those things, wherein men of 
 incomparably greater reach, abilities, diligence, and 
 opportunities, have been obliged to remain unsatis- 
 fied, and, upon that account have given up with 
 them?" This temptation was often urged with that 
 hellish violence, that I had no spirit left in me by it : 
 I was ready to let my hands hang down, my knees 
 turned feeble, and my mouth was often at speaking 
 it out, that there was no hope ; and I went about to 
 make myself despair of any good fruit of any labour 
 I had taken, or that could by me be exercised, and 
 laid out, under the sun. 
 
 When the Lord made the foregoing discovery of 
 
230 
 
 himself to me, the force of this temptation was quite 
 broken by seeing the truths of God in his own light. 
 But I did not get a particular discovery of the weak- 
 ness of this temptation then, till some time after, 
 reading in my usual course the first three chapters of 
 the first Epistle to the Corinthians, the Lord was 
 pleased to open mine eyes, and make me understand 
 the weakness of this temptation. The light that 
 then shined upon my soul, from and by this portion 
 of Scripture, and the satisfaction of soul it gave as 
 to this temptation, no words can express : nor can I 
 at this distance of time narrate all that then the Lord 
 made convincingly clear to me from his word. Yet 
 the substance I do remember, and shall represent in 
 the following remarks. 
 
 1. God here represented to me, that his great 
 design in the method of salvation, made choice of by 
 infinite Wisdom, was to stain the pride of all human 
 glory ; that " no flesh might glory in his sight ; but 
 that he that glories, should glory only in the Lord." 
 
 2. The Lord discovered, that a vain ambition to 
 be wise above what God allowed, was the spring and 
 principal part of our apostacy from God ; and that 
 ever since Satan first dropped that poison into our 
 natures, it has wrought strongly : " Vain man Mould 
 be wise. The Jews ask a sign, and the Greeks seek 
 after wisdom." 
 
 3. That in order to the attainment of the fore- 
 going design, and indeed for the recovery of man, it 
 was plainly necessary, that man's ambition in this 
 matter should be effectually destroyed. This being 
 a principal tendency of our nature, if it were not 
 
231 
 
 cured, Ave were not completely recovered. This 
 lying in a plain opposition to the design of God, if 
 it were not levelled, his design could not be reached. 
 For this purpose it became necessary, that God 
 should " destroy the wisdom of the wise, and bring 
 to nought the understanding of the prudent." 
 
 4. God, to vindicate his own wisdom, which was 
 reproached by this vain ambition of man, to fix an 
 eternal blot on this wisdom of man, set up in oppo- 
 sition to it, and effectually to discover its vanity, in 
 the depth of his wisdom, and holy severity in punish- 
 ing this ambition, and other wickednesses of vain 
 man, suffered, for many ages, " all nations to walk 
 in their own ways," and tried them, whether they 
 were better than God's ways; whether they could 
 supply the defects with which they fondly imagined 
 God at first had made them, or relieve themselves 
 from the misery their apostacy had brought them 
 under. " He said, I will hide my face from them, 
 I will see what their end shall be ; for they are a 
 very froward generation, children in whom is no 
 faith." And the event was every way answerable 
 to the expectation and design of divine wisdom and 
 justice, and the desert of the wickedness and follv 
 of men, who made the attempt ; for, after near four 
 thousand years spent in fruitless endeavours, through 
 the wise forbearance of God, " the world by wisdom 
 knew not God." They, in the wisdom of God, 
 quite missed the mark ; " their foolish minds were 
 darkened ; seeking to be wise, they became fools ;" 
 and, instead of getting their eyes opened to see and 
 know more than God allowed them, they could see 
 
232 
 
 nothino- but their own nakedness ; and so imperfect 
 were their discoveries, that their wisdom suggested 
 to them that fig-leaves would cover that. 
 
 5. After, in the wisdom of God, " the world by 
 wisdom knew not God;" after they had spent the 
 time allotted them for the trial and discovery of the 
 vanity of their own wisdom, with a success answer- 
 able to the vanity of the attempt ; God, in the depth 
 of his compassion, interposed for the relief of man- 
 kind; and for the promotion of the glorious design 
 above-mentioned, was pleased to pitch on a way quite 
 opposite to all that the wisdom of foolish man aimed 
 at. The means he made use of were not such as 
 man's wisdom would, or could expect, prescribe, or 
 approve of. He made not choice of the " enticing 
 words of man's wisdom," or eloquence, human elo- 
 quence. It was no way suitable to the majesty, 
 truth, and sincerity of God, to make choice of that 
 mean art, by which the affections of weak men are 
 inveigled, and their judgments biassed, and led blind- 
 fold in a subjection to these passions, which they 
 should govern. He made no choice of artificial 
 reasonings, the other eye of human wisdom. It did 
 not become the majesty of God to dispute men into 
 their duty, or a compliance with his will. And al- 
 though he wrought signs to awaken the attention of 
 a world drowned in security, to conciliate respect to 
 his ambassadors, to strengthen the faith of his own, 
 and cut off all seemingly rational pleas for unbelief; 
 yet he chose not them, nor did he principally insist 
 on them, as the means of converting and recovering 
 the world, not being willing to derogate so far from 
 
233 
 
 his word, as to encourage an opinion, that the devil 
 would, and has forwardly propagated, that God's 
 word is not upon its own evidence, without miracles, 
 worthy of the acceptation of rational creatures. Nor 
 would he gratify the unbelieving curiosity of men, 
 who would put God to the necessity of altering the 
 course of nature, and please their humour on every 
 turn. 
 
 6. God having rejected all these, made choice of 
 the foolishness of preaching ; that is, a plain declara- 
 tion of his mind and will, in his name, in the " de- 
 monstration of the Spirit and power, and not in the 
 enticing words of man's wisdom," by persons com- 
 missioned for that purpose by him. After that, in 
 " the wisdom of God, the world by wisdom knew 
 not God, it pleased God, by the foolishness of 
 preaching, to save them that believe." Now, this 
 was every way worthy of God. Man was injurious 
 to God, by crediting the devil rather than God. 
 The devil seemed to have gained a considerable ad- 
 vantage, in persuading man in his integrity to credit 
 him, and discredit God. God, on the other hand, 
 brought shame on him, by engaging fallen man to 
 reject the devil and credit him on his bare word : 
 and upon this to give up with Satan, and all that 
 adhered to him. 
 
 7. God, yet further to manifest his design, as he 
 made use of the foolishness of preaching, that mean 
 which, though really it is " the wisdom and power of 
 God," yet men look on as foolish and weak ; so he 
 made choice, not of the Scribes, the learned, wise dis- 
 puters, to be his ambassadors, but of foolish, weak, illi- 
 
234 
 
 terate men, that by things which in appearance " are 
 not, he might bring to nought those that are." 
 
 8. In a further consistency with this design, God 
 saw meet to disappoint men's expectation and wis- 
 dom, as tar, with respect to the Saviour whom he 
 raised up, as the means of discovering him. He 
 made choice of a crucified Christ, " a man of sor- 
 rows and acquainted with griefs," and passed by all 
 the great and high potentates of the earth, and the 
 worldly pomp and grandeur, which men respect and 
 dote upon. 
 
 9. To lay man yet lower, " that the Lord alone 
 might be exalted," he chose not such persons as the 
 world would have thought stood fairest for mercy; 
 but, for the most part, he chose the most miserable 
 and contemptible : " Not many wise, not many no- 
 ble, not many mighty are called : but God hath 
 chosen the foolish things of this world, to con- 
 found the wise ; as God hath chosen the weak things 
 of this world, to confound those that are mighty ; 
 and base things of this world, and things which are 
 despised, hath God chosen; yea, and things which 
 are not, to bring to nought things that are." 
 
 10. The Lord by this let me see, 1. That it was 
 to be expected, and was indeed inevitable, that a 
 great opposition should be made to the gospel, and 
 to the whole revelation of himself in the word. 2. 
 That this opposition was principally to be made by 
 pretenders to wisdom, learned men. 3. That their 
 objections should be against all the concerns of the 
 gospel, matter, manner, means, all being opposed to 
 their expectations. And that therefore it was no 
 
235 
 
 wonder to see some stumble at the cross, some at 
 preaching, some at preachers. 4. That their pleas 
 should be very different and various : the Jews seek- 
 ing signs, and the Greeks wisdom, according as their 
 different principles and inclinations led them. 5. That 
 it was to be expected, that their objections should 
 be specious, they being suited to the wisdom, the 
 natural apprehensions of all unrenewed men, and 
 not brought to a compliance with the grand de- 
 sign of God. 6. That it was impossible for any 
 man, that was not brought to be a fool in his own 
 eyes, to be wise in the matters of God, or to discern 
 and approve of the wisdom of God in this whole 
 matter. 
 
 Upon this discovery, I was fully satisfied, that 
 though those things were in " the wisdom of God 
 hid from the wise and prudent," yet babes might 
 have a satisfying discovery of them, because it has 
 ' ; pleased the Father to reveal these things to them." 
 
 I was made to see, that this opposition of learned 
 men, and their want of success in their inquiries, 
 were so far from being a just prejudice to the trutli 
 of God, that, on the contrary, it was a strong con- 
 firmation of the truth of religion. Thus, " out of 
 the eater came forth meat, and sweetness out of the 
 strong. While I thought to know this, it was too 
 hard for me. Then went I to the sanctuary, and 
 there I saw their end." Hence I was made to 
 hope, " that though my heart and my flesh should, 
 and did fail me, God would be the strength of my 
 heart, and portion for ever;" that he would " guide 
 me by his counsel, and afterwards receive me to 
 
236 
 
 glory :" and, therefore, " surely it is good for me to 
 draw near to God, who has not said to the seed of 
 Jacob, Seek ye my face in vain : He is good to the 
 soul that seeks him, to them that wait for him. In 
 the mount of the Lord it shall be seen." 
 
 I frequently found that common and much-noised 
 pretence against the most important truths of the 
 Scriptures, especially those which are controverted 
 by Pelagians, Arminians, and Socinians, that they 
 are contrary to reason, making considerable impres- 
 sion on my mind ; but this being rather by fits and 
 starts, than for any fixed period of time, I shall 
 shortly point at the springs of my relief from tempta- 
 tions of this sort. 
 
 1. God had, long before I got a full relief, fixed 
 in me a deep rational conviction of the shortness of 
 human knowledge, and that there is no truth we re- 
 ceive, whether upon the evidence of metaphysical, 
 mathematical, or moral principles, or even on the 
 evidence of our senses, against which there lay not 
 insuperable objections, on which no man yet thought 
 it reasonable to question those truths; nor, though we 
 would, yet could we not be satisfied, for tbose ob- 
 jections bring our minds to hesitate about many of 
 tb cm. This I was fully satisfied about, on the 
 clearest conviction of reason and experience. And 
 as this Avas one of the most considerable fruits of 
 my studies in philosophy, so it was in many ways 
 useful to me: For, 1. It made me see through the 
 vanity of that pretence against divine truths, that 
 there lie unanswerable arguments against them. 
 This I thought would not shake me, if once I saw 
 
237 
 
 sufficient evidence for them. 2. I was hereby 
 brought under a conviction, that it was reasonable 
 to expect more inextricable difficulties about truths 
 supernaturally revealed, than about others, because 
 they he farther out of our reach. 3. When diffi- 
 culties occurred, I was led rather to suspect myself 
 of ignorance, than the truths of God. 
 
 2. When the Lord gave me the foregoing dis- 
 covery of himself, he fixed me in the faith of his 
 incomprehensibility. While he let me see his 
 back-parts, he convinced me that I could not see his 
 face. He let me see, that his " ways are not as 
 
 our ways." And after this I durst not any more 
 attempt to measure him, or his ways, by my short line. 
 
 3. By this, likewise, I was brought to rest quietly 
 in the determination of the word. I took all " to 
 the law and to the testimony :" and where the word 
 clearly interposed its testimony, my soul was now in 
 some measure taught to acquiesce in, and stand to 
 its determination. 
 
 4. When I found the subtle endeavours of ad- 
 versaries to prevent my acquiescing in any particular 
 testimony, and found myself unable at first to dis- 
 approve their evasions, I was much relieved by a 
 view of the multiplied testimonies of the word, all 
 running the same way, and declaring, as it were, 
 with one mouth for the truth. 
 
 5. When, by consulting interpreters, especially 
 critics, I found myself rather darkened than cleared, 
 about the meaning of particular testimonies, I had 
 recourse to the scope of the words, the plain mean- 
 ing as it offered itself to view, with a humble de- 
 
238 
 
 pendence upon God for light as to his mind ; and 
 by this found my soul much more satisfied about the 
 meaning of the word, than by the subtle hypotheses 
 of bold critics, that are often injurious to truth. 
 
 6. When, for a time, hy the subtle perversions 
 of Scripture testimonies, I could not find the use of 
 them, the analogy of faith supported my mind, as to 
 the truth, till I was in case to recover the particular 
 testimonies out of the enemy's hand. When the 
 Lord manifested himself from the word to me, he 
 gave me a sweet view of himself, and of his design 
 principally aimed at in the whole revelation he made 
 of himself, and of the sweet and harmonious consent 
 and concurrence of the principal doctrines of the 
 Gospel, in promoting that design ; and he let me 
 see how the end and the means were so closely linked 
 together, that one of those truths could not be over- 
 turned, but almost all the rest must follow its fate. 
 Therefore, whenever any of these truths were con- 
 troverted, its connection with the other truths, uni- 
 formly and plainly attested by the current of the 
 Scriptures, presented itself, and my mind was satis- 
 fied it could not fall, without they all fell. This I 
 take to be the analogy of faith ; and in this I often 
 took sanctuary. 
 
 7. My mind has often been stayed by the con- 
 current suffrage of the pious in all churches, nations, 
 and ages, witnessed in their particular writings and 
 confessions of faith. I loved to walk in " the foot- 
 steps of the flock," that is, those of whose piety we 
 had the best security. 
 
 8. The direct opposition, especially of the Pcla- 
 
239 
 
 gian notions, to my own experience, and that of all 
 the fearers of God I conversed with, as well as the 
 Scriptures, was a very great relief. 
 
 9. One thing that made me always read Armini- 
 ans and Socinians with a just jealousy, was a clear 
 view of their scandalous disingenuity in misrepre- 
 senting the opinions they opposed. 
 
 10. When I seriously viewed the difficulties they 
 urged against the truth, I often found them involved 
 in difficulties, and as deeply fastened and entangled 
 in the same inconveniences, or others as great, or 
 fully greater. 
 
 1 1 . The forementioned view of the design of the 
 Gospel, as represented from the first of the Corin- 
 thians, was of great use. 
 
 12. God very often, when I was perplexed about 
 particular Scriptures, gave me a view of their mean- 
 ing in his own light, opened them to me, and, after 
 him, temptations spoke not again. 
 
 Many other things, and considerations of a like 
 nature, have been relieving to me : which, because 
 they are too many and too long to be here narrated, 
 I pass over. These mentioned may serve for a spe- 
 cimen. 
 
 I now come to give some account of my relief 
 from another temptation, with which I have been 
 continually exercised from my youth, and still some- 
 times am ; and it respects death. I have above nar- 
 rated what a continual bondage I was in " through 
 fears of death," and how early these fears began : I 
 shall now give some account of my relief. 
 
 1. I found the Lord's mercy manifested in Christ, 
 
240 
 
 free me from " the spirit of bondage," and acquaint 
 me in some measure with that liberty that is the at- 
 tendant of the " Spirit of adoption ;" and hereby all 
 my fears were much weakened. 
 
 2. The Lord, by that discovery he made of him- 
 self, in Christ, removed, in a great measure, the 
 grounds wherein I had hitherto feared death most, 
 the want of evidence about the reality of things not 
 seen, and sin, the sting of death; and by this my 
 mind was much relieved, because I was now in some 
 measure secured against both these fears. 
 
 3. The strong power of sin that I found still re- 
 maining, and the disturbance arising from it, made 
 life not desirable ; and a prospect of deliverance bv 
 death, and a more satisfying discovery of the Lord, 
 made death appear more desirable. 
 
 4. As a natural aversion to death still continued, 
 and I found still more fear upon a close prospect of 
 it arising in my mind, I was much relieved by the 
 promise of the Lord's helping me against temptation, 
 and engaging for his people, that they should not be 
 tempted " above what they are able to bear," but 
 that, when the trial comes, he " will provide a way 
 to escape." 
 
 5. My faith as to this promise was often strength- 
 ened by former experience ; particularly, I remember, 
 one day travelling from Edinburgh to Leith, and 
 meditating upon death, I was oppressed with fear, 
 when the Lord mercifully suggested this scriptural 
 thought, though not in the Scripture words, Have 
 you not shrinked formerly under the remote pros- 
 pect of other trials ? and have you not yet been 
 
241 
 
 carried honourably and safely through them ? What 
 reason have you to distrust God as to future trials, 
 who has given grace formerly to help in time of 
 need ? This quieted my mind at the time. 
 
 6. With respect to this, it has always been very 
 satisfying to consider, that it is no way necessary that 
 God should give us grace before trials come, but 
 that he should keep us humble and dependant, by 
 reserving that in his own hand, teach us to submit 
 to his judgment as to the measure and time of per- 
 forming his own promises, and giving the necessary 
 supplies of grace. 
 
 7. My soul is quieted under all my fears of this 
 trial, in some measure by the faith of this, that " the 
 Lord is a God of judgment," and that " they are 
 all blessed who wait on him" in the faith of his pro- 
 mises, not doubting either of his faithfulness as to 
 the accomplishment, or judgment as to the right 
 timing and measuring them in proportion to our 
 trials and necessities. 
 
 8. The Lord has often given me, when clouded 
 by this fear, a sweet discovery of the beauty of this 
 disposal, that we have promises to live upon till 
 the trials come ; and that when they come, we shall 
 then get accomplishments to live on : " In the mount 
 of the Lord it shall be seen." 
 
 Finally, The experiences of the Lord's faithful- 
 ness, recorded in history, and learned by report, or 
 by my own observation, often helped to strengthen 
 my faith of this ; and here I rest to this day. I 
 dare not say, I am ready to die; I dare not say, I 
 have faith or grace sufficient to carry me through 
 L 11 
 
242 
 
 death : I dare not say, I have no fears of death : hut 
 this I say, There is grace enough for helping me, 
 laid up in the promise ; there is a " throne of grace," 
 to which in our straits we may have recourse. He 
 is tl a God of judgment," who has the disposal, and 
 who will not withhold it when it is really the " time 
 of need." 
 
243 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 SOME ACCOUNT OF HIS ORDINATION TO THE HOLY 
 MINISTRY, AND HIS CONDUCT THEREIN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Of his being licensed to preach the Gospel. 
 
 When I was under the violent stragglings related 
 in the second part of my life, I had laid aside all 
 thoughts of the work of the ministry. It was like 
 hell once to entertain a thought of preaching to 
 others what I did not believe myself: but now 
 things began to alter ; and the Lord led me on to 
 that which I declined before ; and I find the steps of 
 his providence respecting me in this matter deserve 
 to be remembered by me. 1. My mother devoted 
 me, from my childhood, to this work ; and often 
 expressed her desire to lend me to the Lord all the 
 days of my life, to serve him in the Gospel of his 
 Son. This has often had its own weight on my 
 spirit. 2. The course of my studies had tended 
 that way, my education pointed towards that work; 
 which providential determination of my studies, 
 though I sometimes had no great regard to it, yet, 
 on other occasions it had some weight on my spirit, 
 that I durst not rashly turn my thoughts another 
 l2 
 
244 
 
 way. 3. The Lord forcibly, by his providence, 
 broke my design of following the study of philoso- 
 phy, by the foregoing exercise, of which I have 
 given an account; brought my mind to acquiesce in 
 this dispensation, and made philosophy comparatively 
 distasteful; and it was, upon the serious review of 
 the temptations moving my inclination that way, 
 made extremely repugnant to me. 4. The Lord 
 having thus turned my heart from that study, that 
 for a while did rival it with the study of divinity, he 
 did also, by the foregoing residt of my dark exer- 
 cise, remove and take away the principal stumbling- 
 blocks, and made the way straight. 5. He further, 
 by the discovery of his glory in the face of Christ, 
 engaged my heart, and endeared my soul, to the 
 knowledge of Christ, and him crucified. 6. He 
 brought me under a lively sense of that forcible tie 
 that was by this laid on me, to lay out myself in any 
 way that he should call me to be serviceable to him ; 
 and I was made to think that I should be the more 
 happy the more directly my work should tend that 
 way. 7. While, like Peter, I was musing some- 
 times on these things, about the month of April or 
 May, 1698, to my great surprise, two ministers 
 were sent from the presbytery of Kirkaldy, urging 
 me to enter on trials. I altogether declined the 
 proposal, because I had not read extensively, wanted 
 the languages, and had been much diverted from 
 study, particularly by the foregoing exercise, which 
 had filled my thoughts for nearly a year and a half; 
 and it was not then two years since I came from the 
 college. In a word, I answered, " I am a child, 
 
245 
 
 and cannot speak." And here I remained, surprised 
 and tossed with thoughts what this might mean, and 
 whence it was, for I had scarce ever looked near the 
 presbytery. They prescribed John i. 12. for a text, 
 and left me to consider of it. 8. I found my aver- 
 sion strong to enter so soon at least on trials; but 
 still it had some weight on my spirit, and I did think 
 further of it, and found that the Lord's dealings 
 with me, of late, in the great variety of trials, cast- 
 ing me down, and raising me up, again and again, 
 looked like a preparation for " comforting others 
 with the consolations wherewith 1 had been com- 
 forted," and sympathizing with them, as having had 
 experience of a great variety of temptations ; and I 
 found, that by these my little knowledge of the 
 mystery of the Gospel received some improvement. 
 9. The ministers continued to solicit me, and press 
 home their desire ; but while I stood out against 
 their solicitations, though not without some secret 
 struggle and doubting, whether in so doing I might 
 not be declining duty, I began to observe the Lord 
 raising a storm against me : I began to see the snares 
 of the station I was in, the advantages my corrup- 
 tions had against me by it; and, in a word, the 
 Lord made it clear to me, that I behoved to change 
 my station ; but I was not hereby entirely at liberty 
 to comply with my desire, yet I durst not flatly de- 
 cline it. About this I was much troubled, May 20, 
 1698. The Lord was taking away some that had 
 been most helpful and encouraging to me, my in- 
 ward perplexities increased, and I was not like to 
 have peace in my own mind. 10. While I was in 
 
246 
 
 this state, Mr. Riddel came to the Wemyss, May 
 30, and after much conversation, and many reason- 
 ings, charged me to try and fix my thoughts on the 
 text, and then do, or stand off, as the Lord should 
 reveal duty; which I consented to. 11. But after all 
 this, I still shifted and declined, and could not think 
 of a compliance; and then, December 28, Provost 
 Ramsay wrote, earnestly desiring me to take the 
 charge of my Lord Maitland. This put me to a 
 stand a little, and I was inclined to embrace it at 
 first; but on further consideration, I was fully con- 
 vinced I should reject that motion, and so I remain- 
 ed in my former strait, crying to the Lord frequently 
 that he might discover my duty. I was fully satis- 
 fied that I behoved not to stay there, but yet was 
 averse from the ministry, at least so soon. But 
 that which had well nigh turned me quite away, was 
 an express from the worthy Mr. James Duncan, my 
 friend and my father's, urging me, in the most pres- 
 sing terms to take the charge of my Lord Duplin's 
 children, offering what encouragement I pleased ; my 
 father's deep obligations to that family, and several 
 other things, carried my inclination strongly towards 
 a compliance : but having, at Mr. Forrester's earnest 
 desire, undertaken a homily in the new college, which 
 I was to deliver next week, I took time to consider 
 of it; and after I had, on February 28, 1699, de- 
 livered my discourse on Job xxviii. 28. I went to 
 visit my acquaintance, worthy Mr. Shields, who 
 urged me to enter on trials, with that gravity and 
 concern, that had more weight on my spirit than all 
 that had been spoken to me. Upon this and other 
 
247 
 
 things that offered themselves to view, I was fully 
 satisfied it was duty to lay aside thoughts of* Mr. 
 Duncan's proposal. 12. The presbytery of Kirk- 
 aldy, March 16, 1699, urged me to try a common 
 head, and if I was not after that clear to proceed, 
 promised to leave me to my choice ; to which 1 con- 
 sented, and delivered it, April 20, when 1 accepted 
 of a text, and they offered me Psalm cxix. 9. which 
 I delivered May 10, and afterwards the exercise and 
 addition, which I delivered before the synod that 
 met about Mr. Inglis' affair, May 23, and thereon 
 took a popular sermon, being not a little encouraged 
 by Mr. Shields, who spoke again seriously to me 
 after the sermon and exercise, which was on Rom. 
 viii. 36. My popular sermon was on Psalm lxxiii. 
 24. which I delivered on June 22, and was licensed 
 after I had gone through the usual trials. 13. As 
 the Lord did, by the formerly mentioned conduct of 
 providence respecting me, remove my scruples and 
 clear my mind ; so his countenancing me in my first 
 appearances, not only by supplying me for the work, 
 but making it successful towards the awakening of 
 some, and comforting of others, did not a little con- 
 firm and encourage me. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 On his entering on the Ministry at Ceres. 
 
 Being thus licensed, June 22, 1699, at Kirkaldy, 
 I continued preaching, as appointed or desired, for 
 
248 
 
 most part, every Lord's day; blessed be God, not 
 without some countenance and success. November 
 23, a call from South Leith came to me, where I 
 had preached some time before. Mr. Wishart the 
 minister, with several elders, came with it ; and 
 November 29, a call from Eli, where I also had 
 preached, was put in my hand ; and much about the 
 same time, a call from the parish of Ceres was put 
 into my hand. I took them to consideration, and 
 gave no manner of hopes to any : I found myself in a 
 great difficulty between Leith and Ceres, and it was 
 much the greater that both stations lay not within 
 the same province ; and so there was no judicature 
 equally concerned in both, to whom 1 might submit, 
 so that I was necessitated to make a choice myself. 
 After some endeavours with my own heart, to bring 
 it to a willingness to close with either as God should 
 clear up my duty, I set myself to consider and ponder 
 reasons on the one hand and the other : and for Leith 
 the following reasons had weight. 
 
 1 . The importance of the station, and largeness of 
 the charge. 
 
 2. The unanimity of their call, after they had 
 been long otherwise. 
 
 3. The colleague was most desirable, and one 
 from whom I might learn much, both as to preach- 
 ing and discipline. 
 
 4. There was a considerable number of godly 
 people in the place. 
 
 5. I should have the advantage of living in the 
 presbytery of Edinburgh, where there was unques- 
 tionably the fairest opportunity for improvement. 
 
249 
 
 6. The Commission's interposition on behalf of 
 Leith, by their letter. 
 
 On the other hand, for Ceres it was of weight, 
 
 1. That the parish was considerable, had been 
 entirely without a minister for a long time, had been 
 divided, and were now harmonious; whereas Leith 
 was well supplied with one. 
 
 2. That whereas Leith lying near Edinburgh, 
 they had the choice of young men, and had men of 
 weight and activity, and interest to obtain whom 
 they had a mind : it was otherwise with Ceres. 
 
 3. Where colleagues are most desirable, a col- 
 legiate life is not without such difficulties as should 
 incline one not to run into them without an evident 
 call. 
 
 4. I had not enjoyed time for reading, and could 
 not in a town, and that so near Edinburgh, where 
 the charge was so great, have any time for improve- 
 ment, which I might hope for in the country, at 
 least in the winter season. 
 
 5. The charge was less than the half of Leith, 
 and my body was but weak. 
 
 6. I found my temper soft, and unmeet for man- 
 aging the humours of town's people. 
 
 7. I found my best friends, whom I had reason 
 to respect, as designing nothing but my good, firm of 
 the opinion, that Ceres was the more suitable charge. 
 
 Having weighed all, and laid the matter before 
 the Lord as I could, I at length came to a resolu- 
 tion, to reject the call of Leith, and did, January 2, 
 1700, give it up, and close with that of Ceres, to 
 the great dissatisfaction of the minister and people 
 l3 
 
250 
 
 of Leith, who had been at more pains with me than 
 I deserved. 
 
 Being thus in some measure cleared to accept of 
 the call of Ceres, that of Eli being no competition, 
 I entered upon trials, and delivered my common 
 head, De Communicatione Idiomatum, February 13, 
 at Cupar, and my exercise and addition, on Gala- 
 tians iii. 9. March 19; and April 16, I delivered my 
 popular sermon on Revelation i. 6. and underwent 
 the other parts of my private trials; and last, on 
 May 1, 1700, was ordained at Ceres, Mr. Alexan- 
 der Pitcairn, minister at Kilmany, preached on 
 Hebrews xiii. 17. and Sabbath next I began my 
 ministry, on Acts x. 29. May 5, 1700. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Of his Management in the JVo?'k of the Ministry. 
 
 After he was licensed to preach, and before he 
 was ordained to the ministry, on some solemn occa- 
 sions, he dedicated himself to the service of the 
 Lord, with earnest prayer for the suitable endow- 
 ments by which he might be fitted for the discharge 
 of that high trust, if it should please God to call 
 him to it. This occurs frequently in his diary, of 
 which take an instance or two in his own words. 
 
 April 18, 1700, being the fast in order to Lesly 
 sacrament, I rose early in the morning; and after 
 some review of my former ways, and serious thought- 
 
251 
 
 fulness of the designs of the present duty, I did in 
 prayer pour out my soul to God, confessing my sins ; 
 and I dare not say, but it was with some tender 
 sense of the dishonour done to God, and of the 
 wretched unkindness that is in them to God. Ori- 
 ginal sin, imputed and inherent, were both heavy, 
 as well as my particular evils. I did solemnly re- 
 new my engagements to the Lord, accepting of 
 Christ according to the gospel-offer and terms, and 
 did endeavour particularly to repose faith on him, 
 with respect to the ministerial endowments, and did 
 devote myself to him in that service. 
 
 May 1, 1700, (being the day of his ordination.) 
 This morning I renewed my engagements to God, 
 and accepted of Christ on the gospel-terms, casting 
 myself upon him, not only for what belongs to me 
 as a private Christian, but as a minister, looking to 
 his strength for sustaining me in the whole of the 
 work, particularly pleading for his presence this day ; 
 and I cannot deny but I had his presence in secret. 
 Mr. Alexander Pitcairn, minister of Kilmany, preach- 
 ed the ordination sermon, on Heb. xiii. 17. where 
 he insisted on the watchmen's duty. 1 cannot deny 
 but my heart was much oppressed with the sense of 
 the greatness of the work ; and after I had answered 
 the questions put to me concerning my soundness in 
 the faith, and the sincerity of my purposes in under- 
 taking the office and work of the holy ministry, I 
 was ordained. Lord, thou knowest what my heart's 
 desire to thee was at the time. O Lord help, and 
 through grace I shall lay out myself for gaining sin- 
 ners to thee. 
 
2M 
 
 Being thus entered into the ministry, he studied 
 and prepared his sermons with much serious secret 
 prayer for divine assistance and direction in his work, 
 and for a successful blessing upon the word, both to 
 himself and his hearers. 
 
 His practice also was to review and remark his 
 behaviour, and how he acquitted himself in public 
 duties; as to what assistance and enlargement he 
 obtained; as to the gravity, seriousness, tenderness 
 in his own frame ; as to his concern for the souls of 
 hearers ; as to the warming of his affections with the 
 comforts and ravishing sweetness of divine truths. 
 And when he was remarkably helped, it issued in 
 thanksgiving to God, and watching against vain 
 pride and self, that might not rob the Lord of the 
 glory of his free grace. When otherwise, it was 
 matter of humiliation to him. 
 
 Knowing that he was called to " watch for souls 
 as one that must give an account," he had the weight 
 of the ministerial charge much upon his spirit: he 
 was, therefore, at pains to acquaint himself with the 
 spiritual state of the souls of his flock, that he might 
 be the more capable of dealing with them for their 
 edification, according to their particular cases. In 
 order to this, as far as health and strength allowed, 
 he was diligent in visiting all the families within his 
 parish, in instructing his people by the familiar way 
 of catechising, and in marking their proficiency in 
 the knowledge of the truths of the gospel. At 
 some seasons also, especially when he was about to 
 administer the sacrament of the Lord's supper, he 
 conversed severally with such as were to be admitted 
 
253 
 
 to that holy ordinance ; not to bring them unto 
 auricular confessions, but to try what sense they had 
 of serious religion and practical godliness, what effi- 
 cacy and influence the word of God had upon them, 
 and what fruits of the preached gospel were to be 
 found in them, that he might deal accordingly with 
 their consciences, and rightly divide unto them the 
 word of truth. Take one instance of this in his 
 own words, as they are found written, July 8, 1703, 
 when he had laboured about three years in the mi- 
 nistry at Ceres. 
 
 I have, saith he, now spent about a month in 
 converse with my people, and I observe the few fol- 
 lowing thing-s. 
 
 1. That of three or four hundred persons, there 
 were not above forty, who had not, at one time or 
 other, been, in more or less, awakened by the word, 
 though, with far the greater part, it came no length ; 
 whence, notwithstanding, it follows, 1. That where 
 there is a faithful ministry, it is not probable but 
 most part are at one time or other in so far touched, 
 as will be sure to issue in a dreadful aggravation of 
 their guilt, in quenching the Spirit, and putting out 
 light: for if so many were touched, so that they 
 could remember of it, how many more may have 
 been so, who have not noticed this ? 2. The Lord 
 leaves not himself without a witness, even in the 
 bosom of his enemies, whereby he makes them feign 
 submission ; he gives the word such power as makes 
 them feel that it is his, which tends to enhance their 
 guilt. 
 
 2. All who were thus convinced did declare, that 
 
254 
 
 any awakenings they ever had, were either under 
 the preachers in the field, or since the Revolution. 
 This, whatever may become of the ministers, is a 
 testimony to their way of preaching, and evinces that 
 they are called of God. 
 
 3. The most judicious and deep-rooted malig- 
 nants, did most frankly declare to me, that till the 
 Revolution they were never touched with the word; 
 there was never one that said he was touched by 
 the curates, but, on the contrary, all declared other- 
 wise ; and the most zealous that way were most frank 
 in making unsolicited confessions by the plain evi- 
 dence of truth. 
 
 4. There has not been one Presbyterian minister 
 in the parish since the Revolution, whom the Lord 
 has not honoured to awaken many; besides their 
 being helped to beget in some, through the gospel, 
 a new and lively hope. I conversed with some, of 
 whom I have reason to hope good things, even 
 things that accompany salvation, that seem to have 
 been brought in by all the Presbyterian ministers, 
 who were there these fifty years by-past. 
 
 5. I observed, for which I bless the Lord, that 
 besides not a few, whom the Lord has awakened 
 under my ministry, some there are who seem to pro- 
 mise more than flowers, even fruit. And further, 
 a general acknowledgment from most, that the 
 word comes near them daily; which, 1. Makes me 
 ashamed of my own negligence. 2. Adore God's 
 goodness, that blesses my weak labours notwith- 
 standing. 3. Encourages me to think, that what- 
 ever may be amiss, yet I have not run unsent. 
 
255 
 
 6. I observe, that it is very hard to judge of 
 the competency of knowledge in order to admission. 
 And, 
 
 7. That knowing people estranged from the 
 power of religion, are in the most deplorable con- 
 dition imaginable ; for I found it almost impossible 
 to get such brought to any sense of their condition. 
 
 His ministerial concern was not confined to his 
 parish of Ceres, but extended itself to the whole 
 church : and the consideration of abounding errors, 
 and the profaneness of the time, filled his heart with 
 heavy and perplexing thoughts ; as may be observed 
 from the following hints. 
 
 Quest. What is the duty that is in a special man- 
 ner called for from this church in this day ? 
 
 Arts. 1. Mourning: it is a day of abominations. 
 
 2. A serious endeavour to be rooted and esta- 
 blished in the truths of religion; for there is an 
 attempt to destroy the foundations, and temptations 
 to final and total apostacy abound. 
 
 3. A shining gospel-walk, as a testimony against 
 the horrid profanity of the time. 
 
 O ! that 1 might get my soul continually exer- 
 cised herein. Blessed shall he be at this day, who, 
 when the Lord comes, shall be found so employed. 
 A sad neglect of those, gives ground to fear terrible 
 things. 
 
 One reason why the gospel is so unsuccessful at 
 this day is, because the simplicity of preaching is 
 neglected. A due application of Scripture is best 
 preaching, for confirming which, it is remarkable, 
 that though God may make use of the words of 
 
256 
 
 man, in letting into the meaning of it, yet it is the 
 very scripture-word by which he ordinarily conveys 
 the comfort or advantage of whatever sort, " it is 
 this instrument of God's own framing that works the 
 effect." 
 
 At another time, he saith, Having considered 
 the growth of error, my heart is affected and filled 
 with many heavy and perplexing thoughts : I saw, 
 and daily see more and more, the growth of Armi- 
 nian, Pelagian, and Socinian errors; this, with the 
 growth of profanity that is visible, gives me a sad 
 prospect of what may be a-coming. This obser- 
 vation that follows, was strongly fixed upon my 
 thought. 
 
 1. The gospel-truth, when first published, was 
 pure without the mixture of error. Yet, 
 
 2. When it spread a little, errors quickly were 
 vented to discredit it. 
 
 3. Errors in process of time increased ; and the 
 further off from the first times of the gospel, the 
 further off from the simplicity and purity of the 
 gospel. 
 
 4. When Christianity obtained external esta- 
 blishment in the world, then there was a remarkable 
 increase of error. 
 
 5. Superstition and error at length overspread, 
 and the Lord must both punish and purge. 
 
 6. The way he took to do both, was to give up, 
 in the sixth century, to a general apostacy, under 
 Mahomet in the east, and the Pope in the west: 
 thus all these errors, as it were, run into one, or 
 run together. That thus the churches were suffi- 
 
257 
 
 ciently punished by these two dreadful plagues ; and 
 that there was a purgation by them is plain, in that 
 after the Reformation truth broke out with a beam- 
 ing lustre and much purity. Since that time, error 
 has had a second growth ; whether the Lord may 
 not take the same method of purging us again, by 
 casting all into the furnace, we cannot tell; we must 
 leave it to himself. 
 
 Some of the followers of Mrs. Bourignion having 
 come into his parish, and endeavouring to propagate 
 their opinions, under the plausible pretext of singu- 
 lar piety and devotion, he thought fit to guard his 
 people against that infection ; a short account of 
 which he gives in the following words. 
 
 April 20, 1707. This day the Lord directed me 
 to strike at the root of prevailing delusions ; in oppo- 
 sition to which I taught, 
 
 1. That true holiness will not admit of leaving 
 out some duties, and that the devotees, while they 
 withdrew from the world, omitted, 1. A testimony 
 to the usefulness of the Lord's institution of wor- 
 ship. 2. Usefulness among men. 3. Diligence 
 in their particular calling. 
 
 2. That holiness consists not in a strict observ- 
 ance of self-advised rules, such as many of theirs 
 are. 
 
 3. That when men pretend to holiness in their 
 walk, and neglect the institutions of worship, then 
 none can conclude, that in any thing they are in- 
 fluenced by the authority of the Lord Jesus: for 
 that same authority binds to the one as well as the 
 other. 
 
258 
 
 4. That the most effectual inducement to obe- 
 dience, is a constant improvement of the blood of 
 Christ by faith, and a sense of forgiveness kept up 
 in the soul. " Lord bear home truth." 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 His Judgment Concerning several Cases* especially 
 with respect to his own Exercise and Practice. 
 
 Concerning Times of Trial. 
 
 Concerning fears of falling in times of trial, I 
 was much troubled, and was quieted with the follow- 
 ing remarks. 
 
 1. The fears of this which disquiet, are a part 
 of that thoughtfulness for futurity which is for- 
 bidden. 
 
 2. These fears are founded on many wild sup- 
 positions, as that I should have strength propor- 
 tioned to trials before they come, unto trials that 
 may never come, that they who live upon the pro- 
 mises have not a sure foundation, &c. 
 
 3. That in 2 Cor. i. 9. " We have the sentence 
 of death in ourselves, that we may not trust in our- 
 selves," was quieting. But, 
 
 4. My great relief, and that which has been my 
 life, was that promise, 1 Cor. x. 13. " There hath 
 no temptation taken you, but such as is common to 
 man : but God is faithful, who will not suffer you 
 
259 
 
 to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with 
 the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye 
 may be able to bear it." It is not what I have 
 that makes me promise or expect to be carried 
 through, but what is in Christ, and in the promises. 
 
 Of Eternity and Immortality. 
 
 I had some stragglings about the belief of eter- 
 nity and immortality; but was very much quieted, 
 1. By a clear view that eternity was wrapt up and 
 implied in every truth of religion. 2. Especially 
 by much light accompanying that Scripture,-'— 
 " Wherefore hast thou made all men in vain ?" If 
 there be not eternity, man answers no valuable 
 purpose with respect to God, or with respect to 
 himself; and so is indeed made in vain. This 
 did more establish my soul than ever it had been 
 in this truth, which let me see how soon God can 
 make unbelief go back, and give peace in believing. 
 
 Of Ministers consulting People in Ministerial 
 Duties. 
 
 While I had occasion to speak and hear of some 
 ministers being much swayed by the advice of good 
 people, in difficult steps of their ministerial work, I 
 was satisfied in the evident clearness of the following 
 rules. 
 
 1. That it is very dangerous to lay too much 
 stress upon the advice and opinions of the best of 
 people, as to what may be sin or duty in matters 
 
260 
 
 that belong not to their station ; for the promise of 
 the Spirit's teaching belongs not to them, as to what 
 may be the duty of the minister's station ; therefore, 
 
 2. It is safer to desire the help of their prayers, 
 that God may, according to his promise, clear to us, 
 or discover to us what is duty, than to learn them to 
 step out of their stations, and advise in things that 
 belong not to them. 
 
 3. In consulting with others for light, regard 
 should be had to the different talents of men, and 
 most regard should be had, in matters of soul-exer- 
 cise, to those whom the Lord has fitted with endow- 
 ments that way. In matters of government, most 
 regard should be had to those whom the Lord has 
 fitted that way. 
 
 4. In judging if such are likeliest to know the 
 Lord's mind, who walk the most closely, we should 
 consider, when we judge of the closeness of walk, 
 not only what men's walk is, but what their tempta- 
 tions are : for one's walk may be much influenced 
 that way, and grace may be more in one in whom it 
 appears not so much, than in others who appear to 
 have more, when the one's grace is continually tried 
 with floods of temptations working on it, and the 
 other's is free. 
 
 Observe — Ministers for the most part, are more 
 shaken about the truths of religion, and the founda- 
 tions, than about their own state ; people more about 
 their state, than about the truths of religion. Minis- 
 ters are helped to enlighten people, as to what they 
 are straitened about ; and people are, or may be help- 
 ful to ministers, in what they are in the dark about. 
 
261 
 
 Thus they naturally excel and are excelled, to humble 
 both, and keep both in then stations. 
 
 To find Duty in doubtful Cases. 
 
 I was much refreshed with somewhat that oc- 
 curred, clearing up a doubt to me, when at a stand 
 which way to choose. 
 
 1. There is ever a bias to one way or other. 
 
 2. Seek to get that removed, and pray that God 
 may bring your heart to an equal willingness to take 
 either or neither way. 
 
 3. When this is attained to, then use reason, 
 and take the most promising way. 
 
 4. Cry to him that he may put a stop, if you be 
 out of the road. 
 
 5. If the Lord afford light in any other particular 
 way, use it : but remember to seek light soberly, use 
 it tenderly, and be wary in the application of it. 
 
 Of Legal Preaching. 
 
 I saw the evil of legal preaching, which lies in one 
 of two things, or in both. 1. In laying too much 
 stress upon the works of the law, our duties and 
 strength : Or, 2. In pressing evangelical doctrines 
 without an eye to that which is the spring of the 
 church's edification, the Spirit of the Lord. Some 
 press duties, so that they seem to think, that their 
 reasonings are able to enforce a compliance; or, at 
 least, they do not take care to maintain, in themselves 
 and hearers, a constant sense of the contrary, in or- 
 
262 
 
 der to engage in eagerness in dependence upon the 
 Spirit of the Lord ; this is legal preaching. O 
 Lord, thou knowest how much of it is in this poor 
 church. The gospel's glory is, that it is the minis- 
 tration of the Spirit. The great privilege of be- 
 lievers is, that the Lord manifests himself to them, 
 as he does not to the world. When he manifests 
 his authority in the command, it is then powerful ; 
 when he manifests his goodness and truth in the 
 promise, it is full of sweetness : when he manifests 
 his wrath in the threatening, it awes the soul : when 
 he manifests his glory in the face of Christ, it is 
 ravishing, renewing, and attracting. 
 
 Atheism the Root of Sin. 
 
 Two things I shall note, 1. The Lord gave me 
 a sweet discovery this day in the lecture, of the 
 atheism of the hearts of men in rejecting the word 
 (notwithstanding there are more and more evident 
 prints of God on it, than on all his other works of 
 creation,) because thev cannot get through some dif- 
 ficulties in it ; whereas there are many more difficul- 
 ties in the works of God. The light by which this 
 was set home, and illustrated in particular instances, 
 was sweet. 2. Some days ago, reading Exod. ix. 
 and x. chapters, and finding this, " that ye may know 
 that I am God," frequently repeated, and elsewhere 
 in places innumerable, as the end of God's manifest- 
 ing himself in his word and works ; I observe from 
 it, that atheism is deeply rooted, even in the Lord's 
 people, seeing they need to be taught this so much. 
 
263 
 
 That it is a high attainment in religion to arrive 
 to know that God is the Lord; and to believe that 
 all sin is resolvable in darkness and unbelief as to 
 this one point, that God is the Lord, and conse- 
 quently, that all sin is reducible to atheism. 
 
 That the great difficulty, which the whole of the 
 divine revelation grapples with, is atheism; and that 
 its struggle is to recover man to his first impressions 
 of a God : this one point comprehends the whole of 
 man's recovery; as atheism the whole of man's apos- 
 tacy. 
 
 The Lord saw meet to bring him through many 
 sharp trials, and to keep him under much soul-exer- 
 cise in the vicissitudes of discouraging difficulties, 
 and refreshing revivals upon his own spirit; that in 
 his ministerial station he might from his own expe- 
 rience be the more capable of dealing suitably with 
 others, according to their various cases and condi- 
 tions. He also studied much a close acquaintance 
 with his own state and frame, and was observant of 
 the Lord's gracious dealings with him, as may be 
 gathered from the following short hints. 
 
 July 2, 1702. The Lord, about this time, giv- 
 ing somewhat of a revival from a long deadness, I 
 think myself concerned to notice the means by which 
 I obtained this benefit. And, 
 
 1. It was signally promoted by converse with 
 lively Christians: " As iron sharpeneth iron, so a 
 man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." 
 
 2. By some heavy strokes laid on me, the Lord 
 did chasten me, and, in some measure, teach me out 
 of his law. 
 
264 
 
 3. By terrible providences with respect to the 
 public, the Lord did awaken me in some measure : 
 " Awake, sleeper, call on the name of thy God." 
 
 4. The Lord providentially brought into my 
 hands, some papers, containing the exercise of some 
 noted Christians, wherein I saw how far short I was 
 of others, and also not a few of the causes of my 
 sadly withered and decayed case. " For this shall 
 every godly one pray unto thee in a time when thou 
 mayest be found." 
 
 5. By some discovery of the vanity of my sweet- 
 est enjoyments : " Therefore I will go and return 
 unto my first husband ; for then it was better with 
 me than now." 
 
 6. By leading me to some subjects which I choos- 
 ed for others, in which my case was also remarkably 
 touched upon, the Lord did in some measure awaken 
 me : thus, while, with David, I heard only a parable 
 at first, 1 was quickly told in the end, that I was the 
 man. 
 
 March 11, 1705. This day I preached in my 
 usual ; I was far out of order : Lord pity and shine 
 on me. At night I was somewhat refreshed in fa- 
 mily worship ; in meditation on my case, 1 saw unbe- 
 lief to be the root of all my misery, and was broken 
 on account of it : I cried to the Lord for relief against 
 it, and that he might manifest himself to my soul : 
 Lord, hear. 1 was much grieved with this, that in 
 a time when so many strange evils abound, there 
 should be such a strange stupidity on my spirit, that 
 1 could not mourn for the dishonour done to God ; I 
 cried for a spirit of supplication and repentance. 
 
205 
 
 April 7, 1705. I was much disordered in body 
 this day, and in little condition for any work, through 
 indisposition, till towards seven at night, and then I 
 was a little relieved, as to bodily disorder, and began 
 to think of preparing for the Sabbath ; and bowing 
 my knees to prayer, I was full of perplexity, the 
 Lord hid himself, my spirit was like to sink, '•' I com- 
 plained, and my spirit was overwhelmed." I got no 
 relief till after I had made some preparation for the 
 work of the Sabbath, and then my spirit was re- 
 freshed with that scripture, " Having, therefore, 
 brethren, boldness to enter into the holiest by the 
 blood of Jesus, by a new and living way, which he 
 hath consecrated for us through the vail, that is to 
 say, his flesh," which I a little explained in my ser- 
 mon. By this I found my mind composed ; but, O 
 that it were with me as in months past ! 
 
 His Case for some Time. 
 
 April 17, 1705. I was much disordered in body, 
 till towards night, then I began to muse on the state 
 of matters betwixt God and my soul; and finding, 
 1. A great withdrawing of influences in duty, in 
 secret, and family, and public. 2. Hereon deadness 
 followed. 3. Hereon a languishing of all grace. 
 And that, 4. Notwithstanding many loud calls to 
 diligence, and to aim at more than ordinary nearness 
 to God; I hereupon resolved, in the Lord's strength, 
 to inquire into the causes, and cry for light as to 
 them. 
 
 July 5, 1705. This morning, in prayer, the 
 m 11 
 
266 
 
 Lord pointed out further the evil of a neglect of dis- 
 tinct exercise about the guilt of sin. I shall repre- 
 sent the sweet discovery in the following hints. 
 
 My case was discovered, 1. I felt deadness. 2. 
 Weariness in duty. 3. Aversion following thereon. 
 i. Deadness of spirit in general. 
 
 Causes of present Deadness. 
 
 1 . As to the guilt of sin, the sense of it impaired. 
 2. The discoveries of the want of spiritual strength, 
 which thereon flows from the distinct observation of 
 sins weakened. 3. The sense of darkness likewise 
 impaired. 4>. The intercourse with Christ, for light, 
 forgiveness, and strength decayed. 5. This inter- 
 course being the great mean of endearing Christ, 
 and the sweetness of these communications being 
 that which keeps up liveliness in duty; all these evils 
 follow on the want of it. Bless, bless the Lord, O 
 my soul ! 
 
 Belief. 
 
 July 19, 1705. This day the Lord shined on me 
 in duty, my heart was much composed, satisfied, and 
 refreshed, and in some measure made to hope for a 
 revival. Glory, glory, glory to free grace in Christ. 
 
 July 29, 1705. This day I was much refreshed 
 with a view of the glory of the Lord Jesus in the 
 ordinances : my soul was sweetened with a sense of 
 his love, warmed, and composed in preaching upon 
 Philip, iii. 3. 
 
267 
 
 February 24, 1706. Being the Lord's day, and 
 he being to preach, his state he relates thus : — In the 
 morning I was sore shaken about the truths of God, 
 but came to peace as to what I was to speak in three 
 things. Lord, thou hast fully satisfied me as to the 
 utter vanity, and unsatisfactoriness of all other courses 
 for satisfaction, as to our great concerns, besides that 
 revealed in the gospel. 
 
 Lord, thou hast fully satisfied me, that supposing 
 the truth of the gospel, there is a plenary, and full 
 security as to all that I can desire, with respect to 
 time and eternity, in it. 
 
 Lord, thou hast given me that full and rational 
 evidence for the truth of the gospel, far beyond what 
 would in other things fully satisfy me ; and there- 
 fore it must only be the wretched unbelief of my 
 heart that keeps me hesitating here. I will look for 
 faith to the Author of it. Of these I am so fixed, 
 that no power of temptation has been able to shake 
 me. 
 
 All my doubtings flow from the power of unbe- 
 lief, that will not be suppressed without an over- 
 powering sense of divine authority. I preached, 
 and was helped in public worship, being strength- 
 ened in body, and sweetened in spirit. 
 
 December 5, 1706. Meditation on his taking a 
 journey from his own house, before the dawning of 
 the day. 
 
 What a different state am I in now, from what I 
 was a little while ago ; then I was in a pleasant habi- 
 tation, surrounded with wife, children, conveniences, 
 in a habitation well illuminated with pleasant light, 
 M 2 
 
268 
 
 whereby I saw my enjoyments, discerned the plea- 
 santness of them, and their suitableness. I had ne- 
 cessaries, quiet of mind, and opportunity to retire to 
 my closet, to converse with God, wherewith I was 
 refreshed. 
 
 But what a change do I now find ; I am engaged 
 in a journey, my way is dark, I find it cold. Now, 
 when I turn thoughtful, I fear every where, fear 
 where no fear is ! Now use and custom turn me 
 secure, and I fear not where there is fear, I see no 
 danger, and begin to conclude there is none. 
 
 Have I not here a view of man's state in inno- 
 cency, and his state when fallen ! 
 
 But what a change do I find ! Light begins to 
 appear ! Had I never seen it, I should have had 
 no notion of it ! What a surprise is this? When 
 did it begin ? How did it grow ? Where were my 
 senses ? Did not I look on, and yet I cannot see, 
 and cannot tell how it began, nor whence ! " So is 
 every one that is born of the Spirit." 
 
 But sure it is, one thing I know, whereas I saw 
 nothing, now I see ; I see, where I am, what is near 
 about me; I see where there is hazard, and where 
 there is safety in the way I am in; but what is at a 
 distance I yet perceive not. The first dawning of 
 saving light is not perceivable in its rise, in its pro- 
 gress, but unquestionable in its effects, and gives a 
 view of the state in which I am at present. 
 
 But a new scene appears, light grows, I see at a 
 distance, " but men appear as trees," pleasant trees, 
 delightful fields, men, suitable to me, and friends 
 appeal as monsters seen with an imperfect light, my 
 
•269 
 
 fears are quickened : and is it not so with young 
 converts ? 
 
 Light still increases, it grows, every new degree 
 is inconceivable, and we have no notion of the dis- 
 covery it makes. What before was dark and fright- 
 ful, is now pleasant and agreeable. Imperfect views 
 of the best things, give but misshapen notions ; light 
 increasing satisfies as to them : " Eye hath not 
 seen." 
 
 "Truly light is sweet;" even before the sun is 
 seen, light is great, and is pleasant, makes the way 
 pleasant, and gives pleasant discoveries ; but it can- 
 not be without sense told or conceived, what satis- 
 factory discoveries, what quickening warmth, the 
 noon-day's sun affords. 
 
 Solemn Self-examination. 
 
 January 11, 1708. In the morning I arose 
 greatly indisposed, but somewhat relieved before I 
 went to church ; yet immediately after sermon seized 
 with a vomiting. Lord teach and lead me to some 
 suitable improvement. 
 
 Queries to be considered as to my private State. 
 
 1. Are daily sins, sins of hrfiruiity, searched, ob- 
 served, weighed, mourned for ? 
 
 2. Is there care taken to exercise faith distinctly, 
 in order to pardon of them ? 
 
 3. Is peace taken, when not powerfully spoken 
 by the Lord ? 
 
270 
 
 4. Does the impression of the necessity and ex- 
 cellency of Christ's blood decay ? 
 
 5. Are the experiences of its use and efficacy 
 distinct as before ? 
 
 6. Am I formal in worship, secret and private 
 duties, craving blessing to meat, returning thanks, 
 prayer, meditation, and reading, &c. ? 
 
 7. Is there due care of educating my family ? 
 
 8. Are rods observed and suitably improved ? 
 
 9. Is there due concern for the flock ? And sin- 
 gleness and diligence in ministerial duties, prayer for 
 the flock, visiting the sick, &c. ? 
 
 10. Is there sympathy with afflicted saints and 
 churches? 
 
 11. Are the sins of the day mourned for? 
 
 12. Is the voice of the rod heard calling to, 1. 
 Deniedness to the dearest relations. 2. Denied- 
 ness to the world. , 3. To life. 4. Preparation for 
 death. 5. Spirituality in duty. 
 
 January, 1709. In secret I looked up to God, 
 and reviewed the state of my soul for the last year, 
 since January 12, 1708. Those queries had not 
 been, alas ! suitably regarded as they should. 
 
 1. Another year added, under many new calls to 
 repentance and reformation, is not suitably improved. 
 
 2. Is not this the design of present indisposition, 
 to rebuke for this ? 
 
 3. Ah ! the power of remaining sin, and enmity 
 against duty, appears in diverting me from secret 
 duties, indisposition for them, and for spirituality of 
 mind, meditation, self-examination, prayer, reading 
 the word, and liveliness in them. 
 
271 
 
 4. Is it not a rebuke for failures as to faithfulness 
 in my station, that I am now put to silence ? 
 
 5. Is there not a call, if the Lord spare me, to 
 give myself wholly to the duties of my general and 
 particular calling ? 
 
 6. May not this indisposition be a check from 
 prosecuting scholastic studies, and invite me to apply 
 myself to a continuation of my exnerience? 
 
 Mercies I noticed last Year. 
 
 1. Outward. 1. Though the Lord has chas- 
 tised me sore, yet he has spared me. 2. When my 
 work did call for it, about my own and others sacra- 
 ments, I was wonderfully strengthened. 3. The 
 Lord gives some prospect as to a termination of the 
 confusions of my worldly affairs. And here, 1. Not 
 all at once ; this might tempt me to depend no more, 
 or turn careless. 2. Not till the Lord had long 
 exercised me with difficulties ; this serves to humble 
 me and keep me sober. 3. Lest all this should not 
 do, he holds the rod over my head. O the good- 
 ness, mercy, and wisdom of God ! 
 
 2. As to my soul's state, 1. The Lord kept me 
 from despondency ; though the distemper I labour 
 under fosters that evil, yet I was kept from solicitude 
 as to events. 2. The Lord kept me from being 
 altogether secure and unconcerned, and kept up a 
 desire of divine teaching while I was chastened. 
 3. I have been kept composed, and in a watching 
 frame, though much under the hiding of his coun- 
 tenance. 4. He has not altogether ceased to be a 
 
272 
 
 reprover. 5. Sometimes I have had some mani- 
 festations of his countenance, and hope as to the 
 issue. 6. Some evidences of more than ordinary 
 providence about me and my concerns. 
 
 As to my family, 1. The Lord has preserved us. 
 2. God has increased it. 3. God has directed us 
 to servants sober and concerned; and however slowly 
 we move, which I desire to lament before the Lord, 
 vet we are desiring to look the same way as to our 
 eternal concerns, at least there is none showing any 
 thing of a dislike to either truth or godliness in my 
 family : " Blessed be God for these." Lord, for- 
 give my unthankfulness. Above all, blessed be God 
 for the gospel. 
 
 If the Lord spare me to labour among this peo- 
 ple, the following truths are offered in meditation, 
 as most suitable to my case and theirs. 
 
 1. In the gospel there is the most sweet, honour- 
 able, profitable, suitable, and in all respects satisfy- 
 ing offer and proposal made, " A marriage with the 
 King's Son," &c. 
 
 2. In the long run, the generality of those to 
 whom this offer is made, even the more sober, that 
 arc not amons - " the remnant that use the servants de- 
 spitefully, reject it, will not come, but make excuses." 
 
 3. An undue regard to things, in their own place 
 lawful, is that which gives rise to this ill reception 
 among the sober sort of people ; at least, this is that 
 with which they countenance themselves in that 
 infidelity, in which, without blushing, they could 
 not otherwise continue : " I have married a wife, I 
 have bought a yoke of oxen, a field," &c. 
 
273 
 
 4. In times of prosperity, or when the church is 
 under no present trial, even the godly may decay, 
 and turn secure, fall from their first love, and with 
 the foolish virgins, sleep. 
 
 5. The rise of this evil is to be carefully discov- 
 ered. 1. Remainders of enmity. 2. Change of con- 
 dition, with the want of judgment how to give every 
 duty its own place and time, so that one may neither 
 jostle out another, nor drive to a careless manage- 
 ment, doing this without leaving the other undone. 
 3. The cunning of Satan, enforcing one duty to a 
 neglect of another, as in Christ's temptation. 
 
 This night I obtained such a view of my guilt, 
 that nothing could have kept me from despondency, 
 but a view of that grace that cannot be measured, 
 but it is best conceived by that astonishing evidence 
 of it, " He that spared not his own Son, but deliv- 
 ered him up for us all, how shall be not with him 
 freely give us all things?" In the view whereof, 
 I desire to live, and die, and spend eternity. 
 
 At nio-ht I was much refreshed in converse about 
 some of these things. 
 
 Clouds return after the rain. This, in time of a 
 sore fit of sickness, impressed me. Lord keep me 
 from security, remember me in pity, " Lord thou 
 knowest my frame." 
 
 His health was much broken for some years 
 before his death ; and somewhat of his exercise in 
 sickness may be learned from the following in- 
 stance. 
 
 October 12, 1709. I was seized with a violent 
 illness. In three days time I was brought to the 
 m3 
 
274 
 
 gates of death ; but it pleased the Lord to bless the 
 means that were used, and it began to abate. 
 
 OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 1. The causes of the Lord's contending with me 
 were many, but were all reducible to this one, — wo- 
 ful remissness in the tenor of my walk, and neglect 
 to stir up myself to take hold of God in the lively 
 spiritual attendance on the Lord, in all the ways of 
 his appointment. 
 
 2. I found myself, on the approach of trouble, at 
 a great loss : the Lord hid himself, the Spirit breathed 
 not on the promises, — all was dark. 
 
 3. I had a multitude of anxieties, and there was 
 no other way, but to roll them over on the Lord. 
 That which oppressed me most, was concern about 
 my soul's state. As to this 1 observe, 
 
 4. That though 1 found not that comfortable evi- 
 dence of it, that sometimes I have done, yet I durst 
 not quit this hold, " that the Lord had made with 
 me an everlasting covenant." And though many 
 difficulties on all hands surrounded me, I stood re- 
 solved to throw myself on free redeeming love, and 
 to venture my surviving wife and children on the 
 Lord's tender mercies. 
 
 5. As to my trouble, God kept me, 1. Submis- 
 sive, justifying the Lord, without repining at my 
 circumstances. 2. He quieted my solicitude about 
 events in a great measure, and to commit the dis- 
 posal to the Lord, crying for a removal of any aver- 
 sion to the Lord's will. 
 
275 
 
 6. As to my work, though I wanted not heavy 
 compunctions, especially as to the want of secret 
 wrestling with God, and that frequency in it, for 
 the success of the word among my people, and their 
 salvation ; yet it was refreshing, though I durst not 
 trust in any thing but sovereign grace, that I durst 
 say in the sight of God, without my heart condemn- 
 ing me, 1. That I was concerned to know the truth. 
 
 2. That I durst not express my own conceits. 
 
 3. Nor did I keep back what might be profitable. 
 
 4. I preached on what I resolved to venture my own 
 soul. And, 5. I desired to preach home to their 
 consciences. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 Of his Marriage and conduct in his Family. 
 
 Mr. Halyburton had begun this head in the 
 following words : — 
 
 This being also a considerable change in my lot, 
 and God's providence being to be remarked in this, 
 as in other things, about which he is particularly 
 concerned, " a good wife being from the Lord, who 
 sets the solitary in families," I shall notice some 
 things here. 
 
 1. At the same time the Lord convinced me, that 
 it was not meet I should be alone, he also clearly 
 convinced me, "that a prudent wife is from the 
 Lord;" and therefore I looked, and cried to, and 
 
27G 
 
 waited on the Lord for direction, with that eminent 
 freedom, assistance, and preparation of heart, as gave 
 me some ground to hope, that he would incline his 
 ear to hear. 
 
 2. My great difficulty was the way by which 
 I might know his mind, as to the person upon whom 
 I was to choose and fix. The command, " Be not 
 unequally yoked together with unbelievers," in the 
 strictest sense, was powerfully impressed upon my 
 soul; insomuch, that no prospect of outward advan- 
 tages whatever, could have swayed me to make choice 
 of one whom I thought void of the fear of God. 
 But whether in my choice to proceed upon the in- 
 formation and testimony of godly persons, and con- 
 curring providences justifying their testimony, and 
 clearing the way ; or whether personal and particular 
 acquaintance were not previously necessary, was my 
 difficulty. 
 
 3. I inclined to think this last necessary, which, 
 whatever pretences it was supported with, proceeded 
 from too much dependence on my own understand- 
 ing, and that joined with a distrust of the providence 
 of God, which was the beginning of my mistake. 
 
 4). The narrowness of my acquaintance, which 
 was confined to a very few of that sex, increased my 
 difficulty, and had a considerable influence on the 
 wrong choice I made. The person I pitched on 
 wanted not several things which I disliked ; yet she 
 appearing to be more suitable than any of whom I 
 had a particular acquaintance ; and falling at that 
 time under some unusual concern about religion, 
 which she imparted to me, it looked like a providen- 
 
277 
 
 tial clearing of the way, and ground to hope the re- 
 moval of what I disliked in her walk ; upon which I 
 too hastily proceeded in the proposal. 
 
 5. I durst never absolutely pray for success ; but 
 had great freedom and liberty in pleading that the 
 Lord would direct me ; and that, if it were not for 
 my spiritual advantage, it might be effectually crush- 
 ed, and that my way might be hedged in. 
 
 Meanwhile, this gentlewoman carried on an in- 
 trigue with another, to whom she was clandestinely 
 married, and, in the good providence of God, Mr. 
 Halyburton was thereby fairly disengaged. And 
 being thus happily disappointed in this, he sought 
 direction of God in reference to a design of marriage 
 with another ; and also set apart some time expressly 
 for this purpose. An account whereof follows, as it 
 was found written by himself. 
 
 December 13, 1700. This forenoon I set apart 
 for prayer ; and being to address God in reference to 
 my proposal of marriage with J. W. I judged it suit- 
 able that I should begin the work with some inquiry 
 into my own state, knowing that one unacquainted 
 with Christ has no reason to expect acceptance in 
 prayer. Therefore, after some serious application 
 to God in prayer for the assistance of his Spirit, to 
 make a true discovery of the state of my soul, I 
 found it as follows : 
 
 With respect to God. 
 
 1. Under a full conviction, that "life is in his fa- 
 vour," nay, his " loving-kindness is better than life." 
 
278 
 
 2. The like conviction I was under, that any in- 
 terest in this favour, admittance to, or acceptance 
 with this God, is utterly impossible, without having 
 respect to a Mediator. God " being one that will 
 by no means clear the guilty," I being guilty; God 
 being holy, I unholy ; " God a consuming fire," and 
 I one, in respect of sin, meet to be devoured ; I can- 
 not see God without a Mediator and live. 
 
 3. That God out of mere love, without regard to 
 any thing in sinners, has been pleased to appoint, 
 furnish, and send into the world, the Lord Jesus 
 Christ, as the Mediator, through whom sinners 
 might be accepted of him. 
 
 With respect to Christ. 
 
 Notwithstanding the frequent and lamentable 
 prevalency of sin against light, against resolutions, 
 vows, engagements, strivings, and prayers; yet I 
 must say, that no alteration of my condition has ever 
 been able to shake me from a conviction of the fol- 
 lowing particulars, since the Lord first convinced 
 me: 
 
 1. That the Lord Jesus Christ is such a Saviour, 
 as became the grace, mercy, love, wisdom, holiness, 
 righteousness, justice, and power of God to provide ; 
 and, on the other hand, such a Saviour as became 
 the condition of sinners and their desires ; and there- 
 fore deserves their acceptance, as fit, suitable, suffi- 
 cient, " to save all that come to God through him ;" 
 and that even " to the uttermost," his blood being 
 able to " cleanse from all sin," and his Spirit suffi- 
 
279 
 
 cient to "lead unto all truth.'' God knows what 
 heart-refreshing sweetness 1 found in a view of the 
 glory of God's wisdom, holiness, power, &c in the 
 face of Jesus Christ. 
 
 2. That I do need him in all his offices. No 
 time, either when things did go better or worse as 
 to my sense, durst I, for my soul, think of separat- 
 ing his offices. God knows that my heart was as 
 much reconciled to his kingly, as to his priestly of- 
 fice ; and that it would for ever oppress and sink me, 
 were it not that he has a power, whereby he can cap- 
 tivate every thought to the obedience of himself. 
 His reign, God knows, I desire. 
 
 3. I dare appeal to the Searcher of hearts, that it 
 is my desire above all things, to " be found in him ;" 
 and never doth sin reduce me to that state that I 
 dare admit a thought of the insufficiency of this way 
 of salvation to save me, or of having recourse to any 
 other, or of abandoning this ; but the more that sin 
 prevails, the more I see the excellency, sufficiency, 
 suitableness, and indispensable necessity, of this way 
 of salvation, and of my adherence to it, and rejecting 
 all others. 
 
 4. All my hope, as to freedom from that dark- 
 ness which is my burden, is from Christ's prophe- 
 tical office ; and my hope of freedom from the guilt, 
 pollution and power of sin, and acceptance with 
 God, arises from his priestly and kingly offices. In 
 one word, I have no hopes of any mercy in time or 
 eternity, but only through him ; it is through him I 
 expect all, from the least drop of water to the im- 
 mense riches of glory. 
 
280 
 As to the Law. 
 
 Notwithstanding my frequent breaches of it, I 
 dare take God to witness, that, 
 
 1. I count all his "commandments, concerning 
 all things, to be right." 
 
 2. That I desire inward, universal conformity to 
 them all without reserve, and that in their spiritual 
 meaning and extent, as reaching all the thoughts, 
 words, and actions, and even the most minute cir- 
 cumstances of these. 
 
 3. That I would not desire any alteration in any 
 of his laws, but, on the contrary, do see the greatest 
 excellency in those of them which thwart my inclina- 
 tions most; which, 
 
 4. Occasions at all times, when not under the 
 immediate violent influence and hurry of some impe- 
 tuous temptation, an habitual and strong desire of 
 conformity to God's law, my heart ever breathing, 
 with the Psalmist, " O that my ways were directed 
 to keep thy statutes ?" 
 
 5. Since the commencement of this affair, parti- 
 cularly, I have seen a peculiar beauty in the law, as 
 exemplified in the life of our Lord, who " fulfilled all 
 righteousness," doing always the thing that pleased 
 the Father, and more particularly in his absolute 
 and unlimited submission to the divine will, even in 
 those things which did oppose the natural inclina- 
 tions of his innocent nature. And though at times 
 I could scarce reach this submission in reference to 
 this affair; yet, 1. I would be made submissive. 
 2. I look upon it as exceedingly amiable. 3. I de- 
 
281 
 
 sire it, and condemn myself, in as far as I come 
 short of it. 
 
 6. God knows, I desire "to hate every evil 
 way," and would be free from every sin. 
 
 As to my frame and success, I can say, I thought 
 it issued in calmness and composure ; and as to this 
 affair, contrary to my positive resolution, I was car- 
 ried out to be more peremptory than usual, as to the 
 success, though under fears of a refusal : yea, though 
 1 had my spirit in a more submissive frame, yet now 
 I was more peremptory as to the event, than when 
 my heart was most eagerly set upon the thing. 
 
 January 17, 1701. This day was set apart by 
 J. W. and me, at parting, to be kept, in order to 
 our obtaining a blessing upon our marriage. 
 
 In the morning I began this day with prayer, 
 in which I endeavoured to trace back sin to my very 
 infancy, and found the Lord countenancing me, by 
 bringing sin to remembrance. Lord, I have been 
 in all sin; not one of thy commands but I have 
 broken, and that almost in all instances, save that 
 I have been kept from the outward acts : and no 
 thanks to me that it is so ; for, Lord, thou knowest 
 it was only thy restraining grace that kept me from 
 any sin. O ! how ignorant are they of their own 
 natures ! or else of how far different natures from 
 mine, are they that deny original sin ! It may be, 
 some of them, had they been acquainted with my 
 way and manner from my youth, would have been 
 apt to think me of a good nature, and not given to 
 evil ; but O how ignorant are they who think so ! 
 though I had not the ensnaring- influence of bad 
 
282 
 
 company to draw me aside, yet without temptation I 
 was inclined to sin, and that against nature's light, 
 very early. Whatever others speak of their good 
 natures, Lord, I must own mine sinful, and that all 
 " the imaginations of the thoughts of my heart have 
 been only evil" from my youth up. When I look at 
 mv face in the glass of thy holy law, Lord, how dark 
 is it ? Nothing but sin wherever I set mine eye. 
 
 The Lord helped me to confess my sin, and 
 thereby gave me a fresh sight of the need of Christ 
 in all his offices, of his excellency, sufficiency and 
 suitableness ; and drew out my soul solemnly to ac- 
 cept of him, renouncing all other ways of salvation, 
 devoting myself in my station as a minister to him, 
 waiting for, and expecting from him, (according to 
 his most gracious promise and office as the Prince 
 exalted to give gifts to men,) such supplies of gifts 
 and grace, as are needful for my faithfullv labouring 
 in the discharge of that office. Likewise, I solemnly 
 devoted myself in this new relation I was to enter to 
 him, pleading, that he would not contend with either 
 of us for the sins of our single life, that he would 
 make us holy, and grant us to walk before him, and 
 that he would bless us with all the comforts of a 
 married state, fitting us every way for one another. 
 
 In my second address to God by prayer, the 
 Lord gave me much sweetness and enlargement, in 
 reference to that particular, for which I set apart this 
 day: " Blessed be God for his Spirit's directing 
 what to pray for, and assisting in praying; I hope 
 this shall be comfortable. When he prepares the 
 heart to pray, he inclines the ear to hear." 
 
283 
 
 I looked on it as a part of the duty of the day, to 
 search into my state ; and after serious application to 
 God for his Spirit, that, " searches the deep things 
 of God," to assist me, I pitched on the following 
 evidences of the Lord's gracious work upon me. 
 
 1. The Lord has given me, by his Spirit, some 
 discovery of my sin ; and here the Spirit has been, 
 
 (1.) Particular. He has fixed upon innumerable 
 particular sins of different kinds, fixing mine eye 
 upon time, place, and circumstances. 
 
 (2.) He has been very full, letting me see myself 
 guilty of all sin : this day he took me to all the com- 
 mands, and did clearly lay before me innumerable 
 breaches of every one of them. 
 
 (3.) He has discovered to me the sins of all the dif- 
 ferent periods of my life, infancy, childhood, and youth. 
 
 (4.) He has discovered to me spiritual evils, sel- 
 fishness, pride, unbelief, and aversion to God. 
 
 (5.) He has given me a full view of the sin of 
 my nature, as the root of all these things, an amaz- 
 ing discovery of its enmity to God, of its propensity 
 to every sin, of its impotency and aversion to every 
 good thing, and of the utter impossibility that ever 
 it should lead me to any thing that is really good. 
 
 (6.) The Lord has discovered the guilt and hate- 
 fulness of those sins, so that I have been made to 
 loathe myself on account of them. 
 
 2. The Lord has discovered to me the vanity of 
 all those reliefs to which nature leads, and that first, 
 as to the guilt of sin, he has made me see, that my 
 duties cannot save; and I hope has taken me off 
 from resting upon them ; for, 
 
284 
 
 (1.) Under disquietudes occasioned by sin, no- 
 thing, save Christ, could quiet me; duties have rather 
 increased than allayed them, when depended on. 
 
 (2.) The Lord, when I have been most assisted 
 in duties, took such care to guard me against this, 
 that he then always opened mine eyes to see a world 
 of sin in them. And here, 
 
 (3.) I have been made with as much concern to 
 desire to be saved from my best duties, as ever 1 was 
 from my worst sins. And, 
 
 (4.) The Lord, from the discoveries he made to 
 me of my heart's inclining at some times, to lay 
 some stress upon duties when spiritually performed, 
 has stirred up in my soul, a jealousy of my heart in 
 this particular. 
 
 3. As to the power of sin, my manifold sad expe- 
 riences, I found it too hard for my prayers, vows, 
 tears, resolutions, &c. so often has this been felt, 
 that I have been brought to an utter despair of re- 
 lief this way. 
 
 4. The Lord has been pleased to determine my 
 heart to choose the way of salvation, revealed in the 
 gospel, through faith's acceptance of, and resting on 
 Christ Jesus for wisdom, righteousness, sanctifica- 
 tion, and redemption. This the Lord brought me 
 to approve of, 
 
 (1.) As the only way of obtaining these things. 
 
 (2.) As a way full of admirable wisdom. 
 
 (3.) As a way full of wonderful love. 
 
 (4.) As a way of great peace and security to sinners. 
 
 (5.) As a way suited to give glory to God. 
 
 (6.) As a way suited to honour Christ. 
 
285 
 
 (7.) As a way suited to honour the Spirit of God. 
 
 (8.) As a way suited to honour the law. 
 
 Now, in all these particulars, I thought this way 
 incomparable ; and my approbation of it was evident, 
 in that I found, 
 
 1. Every day my detestation of all other ways to 
 increase. 
 
 2. I found every day the necessity of this way. 
 And, 
 
 3. I found that the more I looked at it, the more 
 I loved it, and admired it, as full of all that can 
 make it desirable. 
 
 4. I found in myself an approbation of the law, 
 and holiness of God in it. I am now satisfied, that 
 the law is holy, just, good, and spiritual: " The 
 carnal mind is enmity against God, it is not subject 
 to the law of God, neither can be." But blessed 
 be God, that enmity I once had against the law of 
 God is removed. 
 
 Evidences of that Enmity. 
 
 1. I found in my mind a stated dislike at spiritual- 
 mindedness, and at the law's enjoining it. 
 
 2. I had a complacency in being freed from all 
 attendance upon duty. 
 
 3. I would fain have had some of God's law al- 
 tered. 
 
 Evidences of its Removal. 
 
 1. The Lord remarkably reconciled my heart to 
 these laws, which formerly I would gladly have had 
 
286 
 
 altered, so that I would not have them by any means 
 taken away. And this proof is the stronger, in 
 regard that, 1. I find these sins deeply rooted in 
 my nature, which these laws do oppose. 2. I have 
 manifold temptations to them. 3. I have to regret 
 that I am too often overcome by them. 
 
 2. When I fear hell and damnation on account of 
 my breaches of the law, yet God knows this never 
 occasions such dislike, as fear of offending him. 
 
 3. I desire no alteration, no change, to be made 
 of the law; God knows, I would have my heart 
 brought to it, and not it to my heart. 
 
 4. I find a constant shame and self-loathing for 
 short-coming, and want of conformity to it, and that 
 in these instances, wherein none, save God and my 
 own conscience, are witnesses. 
 
 5. I find extraordinary satisfaction, when any de- 
 gree of conformity to it is attained. 
 
 6. The ordinary and serious breathing of my 
 soul is such as that of the Psalmist's throughout the 
 119th Psalm. 
 
 Upon these grounds, I do conclude, that the 
 Lord has wrought faith in me, and therefore will 
 save me, and complete what concerns me; and be- 
 cause he has determined me to choose him, there- 
 fore I dare call him, " My God, my Saviour, my 
 Sanctifier." The Lord this day helped me to 
 plead for strength against sin; and " my God will 
 hear me ." I have reason, when I have done all, 
 to say, I have done nothing; I cannot serve the 
 Lord. 
 
 In the beginning of this affair, in March, 1700, 
 
287 
 
 I was confident to meet with a disappointment, I 
 was resolved to quit it, and did so for some time : 
 God, by one means or other, broke all my projects 
 to turn away; he kept me intent in observing his 
 providences ; he gave an opportunity, directed to 
 means I had not thought on, and prevented my fears 
 as to those which I thought most opposite. 
 
 After I had the greatest prospect of encourage- 
 ment, I met with discouragements ; and then encou- 
 ragement when least expected. 
 
 I have been kept off means, kept low as to thoughts 
 of myself, and kept in dependence on God as to the 
 issue. 
 
 The thoughts of which things made me, with much 
 sweetness, promise good at the hand of God. 
 
 In prosecution of his purpose, he was married at 
 Edinburgh, January 23, 1701. 
 
 As God blessed him with children, it was his 
 constant practice to devote them to the Lord : he 
 was much in praver for his family, submitting all 
 his and their concerns to the divine disposal, as to 
 life, health, &c. But most earnest was he for 
 their souls' eternal welfare; an instance of which 
 follows. 
 
 March, 1705. An Account of my Exercise, with 
 respect to the State of my youngest Child's Soul, 
 a girl of eleven months old, represented in a few 
 Obse?'vations. 
 
 1. Two years ago, when my son died in the 
 birth, I was much concerned in desiring some satis- 
 
238 
 
 faction as to his eternal state, but obtained no par- 
 ticular promise at that time; except only, 1. That 
 I was made to bless God that I had no ground to 
 fear the worst, as I might have had, if he had been 
 come to age. 2. I was made to look to the exten- 
 sive promise of the covenant, that is " to us and 
 our children." 3. I had peace in this, that I had 
 devoted him to the Lord as soon as I found him to 
 live. 
 
 2. When my daughter fell into a languishing 
 sickness, and death evidently began to be threatened, 
 I was put to more close exercise about her eternal 
 state. 
 
 3. I was sometimes much enlarged in her behalf, 
 but was unwilling to rest here, but humbly desired 
 that the Lord would as to her state, give me some 
 ground from the word to hope. 
 
 4. That I might not be wanting in the use of 
 the means of the Lord's appointment, I consulted 
 books, and the experience of such of the Lord's 
 people to whom I had access, to see what I might 
 expect, but found no satisfaction ; yet I resolved to 
 wait on the Lord, and cried to him. 
 
 AVhen I cried to him, I found for a considerable 
 time no answer, but heavy rebukes, 1. For not 
 observing returns by the word, as 1 should have 
 done. 2. For not seeking more this way, and 
 resting too easily without this. 3. For not study- 
 ing the word so much as 1 should. Thus the 
 Lord dealt with me as with Israel, Judges vi. 7 — 10. 
 When they cried, before he sent deliverance, he 
 sent a reproof. 
 
289 
 
 6. The Lord, further to humble me, visited me 
 with several afflictions, my wife's sickness and my 
 own. 
 
 7. When I was in this distress, I cried to the 
 Lord, and in prayer he relieved me by that passage, 
 " Suffer little children to come unto me." As to 
 which I remark, 1. While I was in prayer, crying 
 for mercy to the child, it was then suggested. 2. 
 The Lord showed me in it, that it was the parents 
 who brought their children to Christ, desirous of 
 his blessing them. 3. The disciples were against 
 Christ's taking notice of them, or putting any par- 
 ticular mark of respect upon them. But Christ 
 rebuked them, and said, " Suffer little children to 
 come unto me, and forbid them not." Though the 
 disciples would not have us to expect any evidence 
 of the Lord's special love to young ones, yet the 
 Lord is of another mind. 4. The Lord approved 
 of the parents bringing the children, and blessed 
 them. 5. Here the Lord enlarged me, helped me 
 to rely on him, that he would put his hand on the 
 child, and bless her, and thereby quieted my soul, 
 and filled me with thankfulness ; and I was relieved 
 as to the child that is gone, and this one that is 
 dying : " Bless, bless, bless the Lord, O my soul ! 
 he prepares the heart to pray, and he will incline the 
 ear to hear. Remember the word on which thou 
 causedst me to hope." 
 
 April 11. The child died: " Blessed be God I 
 have had a child to give at his call, and blessed be 
 the Lord that he helped me to give her willingly." 
 
 Another instance, at the death of his son George : 
 
 N U 
 
290 
 
 March 23, 1712, the Lord's-day, a day to be re- 
 membered by me, a day wholly spent in prayer and 
 praise, an introduction to life : " O my soul ! never 
 forget what I this day felt, I reached. My soul 
 had smiles that almost wasted nature." My kind 
 colleague and I prayed alternately : " O such a 
 sweet day !" About half an hour after Sabbath, 
 my child, after a sharp conflict betwixt nature and 
 the disease, slept pleasantly in Jesus, to whom plea- 
 santly he was oft given. 
 
 Mercies and Grounds of Hope. 
 
 The Lord from the beginning fixed our eye on 
 himself, and kept us submissive and dependent as to 
 the child. 
 
 At the commencement, the Lord brought the 
 disease pleasantly on : gave him astonishing patience, 
 when for several days and nights he slept none. 
 
 The Lord gave warning by this, that though the 
 child, I believe, scarcely knew his mother's name or 
 mine before, but named us always father and mother, 
 in his sickness, when asked who we were, he an- 
 swered, Thomas Halyburton and Janet Watson. 
 Here the relation was disowned, which struck me at 
 the first, and 1 thought the relation was loosed. His 
 mother one day asked him why he called her so; 
 but he returned no answer. I asked him some 
 days after he took it, George, would you be well, 
 and live, or die, and go to heaven ? I expected a 
 child's answer, but he readily, and more readily than 
 was consistent with his usual way of speaking, said, 
 
291 
 
 " i will go to heaven." I had here some check for 
 not being serious enough in the question ; and this 
 death I expected. 
 
 I had all this winter been extraordinarily helped 
 in crying for mercy for the children ; and any relief 
 I had, and loosing of my bonds, was when I directed 
 my prayer this way ; often got I freedom to throw 
 them on sovereign grace, often to speak to them 
 directly from the word at night, and not more than 
 about a month before this from Jacob's last words. 
 I thought now God was to make a trial in the ten- 
 derest point, whether I should stand to it, and hold 
 by the oft repented resignation. 
 
 I could not find freedom in seeking the child's 
 life, but much in crying for mercy to him, and a 
 token for good. 
 
 When he first fell ill, the burden was great on 
 my spirit, till that night after my kind colleague and 
 I had communed with much concern about the pre- 
 sent state of the church, and of religion in this 
 place : concern for the Lord's interest got far the 
 ascendant in my heart, and my own dearest concerns 
 sunk; and from that time the Lord scattered the 
 clouds, and comforted me as to my present weighty 
 concern for the child; and that, 1. In giving me 
 enlargement to bless him, that I had no positive 
 grounds to call in question his state. 2. The Lord 
 gave me to lay stress on his command of bringing 
 little ones to him; nay, he caused me to hope on 
 that word, and on the promise reaching to children. 
 3. The nearer to his end, the more I was loosed 
 from him, the more cheerful was my resignation, sub- 
 n 2 
 
292 
 
 mission, and humble confidence in refreshing, puri- 
 fying, and quickening my spirit. 4. The Lord led 
 both me and others to express confidence, that we 
 could not avoid it. My kind colleague and I spent 
 the whole day in prayer with and for him * and he 
 in his turn praying just when the child was dying, 
 even could not hold short of this, " We desire to 
 believe, we hope, nay, we are confident, he is enter- 
 ing into glory." 5. Whereas he had been free of 
 the restlessness and delirium for forty-eight hours 
 before his death, he came to have some little strug- 
 gles at last, though without contortions ; I was put 
 to cry for pity as to this, and that as a token for 
 good, and was heard. 6. That same grace that 
 prepared the heart to pray, inclined the ear to hear, 
 kept the soul cheerfully to resignation, and not only 
 composed, but sweetened our spirits ; so that before 
 his death, prayers were well nigh made up of praises, 
 and he was set off with thanksgiving. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Of his entering on the Profession of Divinity. 
 
 The place of Professor of Divinity in the New 
 College in the University of St. Andrews being 
 vacant, a proposal was once and again made to 
 Mr. Halyburton of procuring him an appointment 
 to that situation ; but he gave no encouragement to 
 it, resolving to be in no way the disposer of his own 
 
293 
 
 lot. And in December, 1709, being informed that 
 her Majesty's patent was granted in his favour, he 
 said, " Lord, crush it, if it is not for thy glory." 
 Herein I have peace that I had no hand in it. 
 
 The Queen's patent being forwarded, the College 
 applied to the Presbytery of Cupar, for getting Mr. 
 Halyburton loosed from his pastoral relation to the 
 parish of Ceres, in order to his being settled Profes- 
 sor of Divinity in St. Andrews. But that reverend 
 judicatory did, in February, 1710, refer the matter 
 to the provincial synod of Fife, which was to meet 
 at St. Andrews in April thereafter ; and the matter 
 being gravely debated before the synod, and the 
 people of Ceres fully heard in what they had to say, 
 the desire of the College upon her Majesty's patent 
 was granted without a contradictory vote. 
 
 Upon the whole, Mr. Halyburton had the follow- 
 ing reflections : 
 
 As to this affair, " It seems to be of the Lord, 5 ' 
 For, 
 
 1. The first rise of it was without any thing so 
 much as a thought in me. 
 
 2. The Lord crossed all other attempts, and dis- 
 appointed other prospects which they had to others. 
 
 3. The Lord kept my spirit, and held me so by 
 the hand, that I durst give no insinuation or encou- 
 ragement that way. 
 
 4. The desires of many that feared the Lord run 
 tliis way. 
 
 5. The Lord laid his hand on me, and therein 
 seemed to say, I was not likely to be able for the 
 work in my present large congregation. 
 
294 
 
 6. As the Lord began it with me, so did he carry 
 it on, over obstructions remarkable enough. 
 
 7. I had no reason to doubt the singleness of any- 
 concerned, and who acted in it. 
 
 8. When I began to compare the course of the 
 Lord's dealing with me, and the course of my stu- 
 dies, I could not deny, that there might be some- 
 thing in it. 
 
 9. My people, whenever the matter appeared, 
 began to faint. 
 
 10. Their consciences were affected with the pre- 
 ponderating evidence of the reasons, as was mine; 
 though inclination lay opposed to it. 
 
 11. The Lord condescended to bring the matter 
 to a decision of the most competent judicatory. 
 
 12. The Lord condescended to clear me as to 
 submission. 1. By that which I resolved, after 
 serious prayer to the Lord, viz. that since there was 
 a present harmony betwixt me and the congregation, 
 1 should go as far as they inclined. 2. This being 
 proposed in a full meeting of the elders, they all 
 unanimously declared, they designed to acquiesce in 
 the sentence of the synod. 3. It was my desire to 
 the Lord, that there might be some evidence of the 
 Lord's attending the determination ; and I dare not 
 deny, but that even beyond expectation, to the con- 
 viction of all my own people, there was, (1.) Evi- 
 dently a great weight on the spirits of the members 
 about light to direct them. (2.) The Lord was re- 
 markably with Mr. Hogg, who prayed before the 
 vote. (3.) When I retired, I cried to the Lord, 
 that if the matter was not for his glory, he might 
 
295 
 
 put a remarkable stop to it : if it was, that he might 
 carry it on in a way that he might give evidence of 
 himself. (4.) The synod inverted the course of the 
 rolls, casting St. Andrews and Cupar last, that two 
 presbyteries that were not interested might be first. 
 (5.) There was not one contradictory vote ; only the 
 presbytery of Cupar forbore to vote, because they 
 could not vote against the transportation, and would 
 not irritate the parish. (6.) When all this was in- 
 timated, it was done with a convincing light by Mr. 
 Grierson, the moderator, pro tempore. " The will 
 of the Lord be done." I had peace and composure 
 in my own mind, the Lord condescending even be- 
 yond expectation. " Now, Lord, fit me for what 
 thou dost evidently call me to." 
 
 On April 26, 1710, he was by the Principal of the 
 New College admitted Professor of Divinity there ; 
 and delivered his inaugural discourse, in confutation 
 of an atheistical pamphlet, entitled, Epistola Archi- 
 medis, ad Reg em Gelonem. 
 
 Being admitted Professor, he enjoyed not much 
 sound health in the exercise of that office; for, in 
 the beginning of April 1711, he was suddenly seized 
 with a dangerous pleurisy, which obliged his physi- 
 cians to take from him a vast quantity of blood ; and 
 though he was relieved of that disease, yet he never 
 fully recovered his former strength, by reason of the 
 indisposition of his stomach, and frequent vomiting, 
 which prevented the regular supply of blood for the 
 nourishment of his body. In the following winter, 
 a coldness, swelling and stiffness in his legs ensued, 
 with frequent and excessively painful cramps. But, 
 
296 
 
 besides his bodily indisposition, the grievances of 
 the church of Scotland not a little added to his 
 trouble. His spirit was much oppressed with the 
 melancholy news of the toleration, and restoring the 
 power of presentations to patrons ; and no less with 
 the imposing of the oath of abjuration upon minis- 
 ters, from the apprehensions he had of the sad effects 
 that might follow upon their different sentiments 
 about the lawfulness of that oath. He freely de- 
 clared his own opinion in the meeting of the synod 
 at St. Andrews, April 1712. And in the confer- 
 ences of the presbytery upon that matter, he advised, 
 that ministers, after all due means of information, 
 should act according to their light. But what he 
 especially endeavoured to inculcate, as he had access, 
 was, that the difference among them about the mean- 
 ing of an expression in that oath, gave no just ground 
 for any alienation of affection, or for division and se- 
 paration, either among ministers or people. 
 
297 
 
 PART V. 
 
 AN ACCOUNT OF SOME OF HIS LAST WORDS, ON HIS 
 DEATH-BED, SEPTEMBER, 1712. 
 
 Wednesday, September 17. When a friend 
 came and asked him in the morning, how he had 
 rested the by-past night, he answered, " Not well ;" 
 and told, he had this night been sore tossed with the 
 thoughts of eternity; but, said he, I dare not say 
 they were distracting. My evidences are much 
 clouded indeed, I have been thinking on the terrible 
 things of God, and all that is difficult in death to a 
 saint. All my enemies have been round about. I 
 have had a great conflict, and faith like to fail. O 
 that I may be kept, now in this last trial that is 
 coming, from being an offence to his people. 
 
 Afternoon, when some of his brethren came in to 
 visit him, he said to them, " I am but young, and have 
 little experience ; but this death-bed now makes me 
 old ; and therefore I use the freedom to exhort you 
 to faithfulness in the Lord's work. Ye will never 
 repent this. He is a good Master; I have always 
 found him so ; if I had a thousand lives, I would 
 think them all too little to employ in his service. 
 
 All this day, and some days preceding, he was 
 under a cloud and desertion. 
 
 September 18. When a friend returned to ask 
 him, how he was in the morning, he broke silence 
 with these words, " O what a terrible conflict, had I 
 n3 
 
298 
 
 yesterday ! But now I can say, * I have fought 
 the good fight, I have kept the faith.' Now he 
 has filled my mouth with a * new song, Jehovah- 
 jireh, in the mount of the Lord, &c. Praise, praise 
 is comely for the upright.' Shortly I shall get an- 
 other sight of God than ever I had, and be more 
 meet to praise him than ever. O the thoughts of 
 an incarnate God are sweet and ravishing ! And O 
 how do I wonder at myself, that I do not love him 
 more, that I do not admire him more ! O that I 
 could honour him ! What a wonder that I enjoy 
 such composure under all my bodily trouble, and in 
 view of approaching death ! O what a mercy that 
 I have the use of my reason, till I have declared his 
 goodness to me !" 
 
 To his wife, he said, " He came to me ' in the 
 third watch of the night, walking upon the waters ;' 
 and he said to me, ' I am Alpha and Omega, the 
 bemnnintr and the end: I was dead, and am alive, 
 and live for evermore, and have the keys of hell and 
 death ;' and added, * He stilled the tempest, and O 
 there is a sweet calm in my soul !' " 
 
 Afterwards, when desired to be tender of his 
 health, he said, " I'll strive to last as long as I can, 
 and I'll get to my rest ere it be long. I have no 
 more to do with my time, but to measure it out for 
 the glory of God." 
 
 Then he said, " I'll see my Redeemer stand on 
 the earth at the last day; but I hope to see him 
 before that, the ' Lamb in the midst of the throne.' 
 O it will be a beautiful company : ' The spirits of 
 just men made perfect, and Jesus the Mediator of 
 
299 
 
 the covenant !' O for grace, grace, to be patient to 
 the end !" Then he desired a minister to pray. 
 
 After prayer, he called for a little water to wash 
 his eyes, and said " I hope to get them washed, and 
 made like dove's eyes; and then farewell sin, fare- 
 well sorrow." 
 
 In a little, when taking some refreshment, he said, 
 " You see I am eating heartily here. I get sleep 
 from him, and I get food and drink from him, and I'll 
 get himself. ' My heart and my flesh fails : but 
 God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for 
 ever,' &c. but we have need of patience." 
 
 When one said, " Keep the light of the window 
 from him, it may hurt his eyes," he said " ' Truly 
 light is sweet, and a pleasant thing to behold the 
 sun,' the Sun of Righteousness; O glorious light, 
 where ' the Lamb is the light of that temple !' We 
 cannot have a conception of it now; ' eye has not 
 seen, nor ear heard,' &c." 
 
 Seeing his youngest child, he caused them to 
 bring her to him, and said " Mady, my dear, ' the 
 Lord bless you ; the God of your father, and of my 
 father, bless you ; the God that fed me all my life, 
 the angel that redeemed me from all evil, bless you' 
 and the rest, and be your portion. That is a goodly 
 heritage, better than if I had crowns and sceptres to 
 leave you. My child, I got you from him, and 
 I give you to him again." 
 
 To his wife, he said, " My dear, encourage your- 
 self in the Lord ; he will keep you, though you even 
 come among enemies hands ; surely he will cause the 
 enemy to treat you well." And then, declaring his 
 
300 
 
 willingness to part with his dearest relations, he said, 
 " This is the practice of religion, Sirs; this is a 
 practical part of religion, to make use of it when we 
 come to the strait : this is a lesson of practical di- 
 vinity." 
 
 When the physician came in, he said, " Is my 
 pulse weak, Doctor?" Ans. " Yes; but I have 
 seen it as weak." Then he said, " Doctor, as to 
 this piece of work you are near an end with it. I 
 wish you may lay it to heart ; it will come to your 
 door also : and it is a business of great moment, to 
 die like a Christian ; and it is a rarity. Christ him- 
 self has told us, that * there are but few that shall be 
 saved,' even among them who are called outwardly. 
 I wish the Lord himself may show you kindness. 
 The greatest kindness I am now capable to show 
 you, is to commend serious religion to you. There 
 is a reality in religion, Doctor; but this is an age 
 that hath lost the sense of it. ' He has not said 
 to the house of Jacob, Seek ye my face in vain.' 
 Atheists will see one day, whether it be so or 
 not. 
 
 " I bless God, I was educated by godly parents, 
 in the principles of the church of Scotland. I bless 
 him, that, when I came to riper years, 1 did, on ma- 
 ture deliberation, make them my choice : I bless the 
 Lord, I have been helped ever since to adhere to 
 them without wavering: I bless him, I have seen, 
 that holiness yields peace and comfort in prosperity 
 and adversity. What should I seek more, or desire 
 more to give evidence of the reality of it ? There- 
 fore, ' I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; 
 
301 
 
 because it is the power of God to salvation to every 
 one that believeth.' I am so far from altering my 
 thoughts of religion, by reason of the present con- 
 tempt thrown on it, and opposition made to it, that 
 this endears it the more to me. 
 
 " As to the simplicity of gospel-worship, many must 
 have gaudy pomp now a- days in worship; it is an 
 evidence of the decay of religion : for when people 
 want the power and spirituality of it, they must have 
 something to please the carnal heart. This is my 
 sense of it ; and it is the ' words of truth and sober- 
 ness;' and I speak as being shortly to appear in 
 judgment ; and hope to * give an account of this with 
 joy,' as a part of the testimony of Jesus. 
 
 " Well, Doctor, the Lord be with you, and per- 
 suade you to be in earnest. I return you thanks 
 for your diligence. Is my pulse low ?" Ans. " Yes." 
 He replied, " I am very well pleased. I would 
 have been content to have been away long ere now. 
 I found my spirits failing. It is but a few strokes 
 more, and ' victory, victory for evermore, through 
 the Captain of our salvation.' " 
 
 After a pause, he said, " Every one that is in 
 Christ Jesus must be a new creature ; he must have 
 union with Christ, and have a new nature : that is 
 the ground-work of religion. The Christian reli- 
 gion is little understood by the most part of us 
 
 " O the gospel of Christ ! how purely was it 
 preached in this place, when I was at the university; 
 though I found not the sweetness in it at the time 
 when I heard others preach on these subjects, I 
 found it since : and it has fallen on me like showers 
 
302 
 
 on the mown grass. Verily there is a reality in re- 
 ligion : few have the lively impressions of it. 
 
 " Now, get acquaintance with God, the little ac- 
 quaintance I have had with God, within these two 
 days, has been better than ten thousand times the 
 pains I have all my life been at about religion. It 
 is good to have him to go to, when we are turning 
 our ' face to the wall : He is known for a refuge in 
 the palaces of Zion, a very present help in trouble.' 
 
 " O there is a strange hardness in the heart of 
 man ! I believe there are few men come to age, but, 
 when they see others dying, have a conviction that 
 they must die, and yet are not duly affected with it. 
 It is like one rising from the dead, what they meet 
 with: 'But they have Moses and the prophets; 
 if they will not hear them, neither would they hear, 
 though one should rise from the dead.' We must 
 have an ear from God before we can hear : * Ye 
 hear not my words,' says Christ, ' because ye are not 
 of God.' However, whether people will hear, or 
 whether they will forbear, it is our duty, whom the 
 Lord has employed to preach his gospel, to speak 
 his word. And when we are dead and rotten, what 
 we speak of his word, in the name of the Lord, will 
 take hold of them. 
 
 " We must have patience to wait till he come; 
 < Yet a little while, and he that shall come, will 
 come, and will not tarry; and till he come, the just 
 shall live by faith : but if any man draw back,' says 
 the Lord, ' my soul shall have no pleasure in him/ 
 To point once heaven-ward, and then draw back, is 
 a dangerous thing. 
 
,303 
 
 " We are foolish creatures, we would have all the 
 trial at our disposal, and limit the Lord as to the 
 circumstances of our trial. Why should I com- 
 plain of a little trouble in lying on the bed ? Blessed 
 be God, there is an everlasting rest. Yea, Christ 
 hath perfumed a bed of languishing, and a grave; 
 he has unstinted death." 
 
 To some, at another time, he said, " Enemies in 
 this place will be insulting over me ; I am not afraid 
 of that; but that which fills me with fears, is the 
 misimprovement of the gospel in St. Andrews; St. 
 Andrews has sinned against as clear gospel light as 
 ever shone in the isle of Britain. I remember, 
 when I was at the college, O how much of God was 
 there in the preached gospel ! I had my part in the 
 misimprovement of it." 
 
 Afterwards to his children he said, ii My chil- 
 dren, I have nothing to say to you, but be ye seekers 
 of God, ' fulfil my joy.' Ah that I was so long in 
 beginning to seek God ! and yet I was touched with 
 convictions, that God was seeking me, ere I arrived 
 at the years of some of you." 
 
 To his eldest child he said, " Ay, Margaret, you 
 seem sometimes to have convictions ; beware of them, 
 they are the most dangerous things that ever you 
 meddled with; for if you seek not God, each of 
 them is God's messenger; and if you despise God's 
 messenger, he will be avenged on you. My dear, 
 seek the Lord, and be your mother's comfort." 
 
 In the afternoon, to a gentlewoman he said, 
 " Madam, I wait for the supplies of the Spirit of 
 the Lord Jesus, whereby I may be able to finish my 
 
304 
 
 course with joy. I began a text at Ceres, being my 
 farewell sermon, and" smiling, said, " I failed in it, 
 I went not through with it. When I came to St. 
 Andrews, I began where I left off at Ceres, * I go 
 bound to Jerusalem,' &c. Acts xx. 22, 23. The 
 point I handled was, ' Ministers may have a clear 
 call to work in a place, even where they have the 
 certain prospect of difficulties, and severe trials; 
 which I experienced here. I was very clear respect- 
 ing God's calling me hither, come of it what will, 
 whether I signify any thing or not. What would 
 befal me 1 did not know ; I had a very dark pros- 
 pect, especially from this place, that had so much 
 despised gospel-light ; and that, when he was taking 
 away his servants here, it made me tremble to think 
 that wrath was coming, and that I could do nothing 
 to keep it off; I can signify nothing. The Lord 
 help me, I wish for Jerusalem's peace and joy. 
 
 " I have nothing to do with my life, but yet to hus- 
 band it, that I may lay it out for my God. What 
 had I been, if the grace of God had not been re- 
 vealed in the gospel ! He has ' brought life and 
 immortality to light.' " One said, " Keep your 
 hold to the last ; Satan is busy." He answered, 
 " I have had trial of it already. O ! sober, sober reli- 
 gion is necessary. I was often defrauding the Lord 
 of his glory, but, blessed be his name, he made me 
 restore it again with shame, and to cry, ' Not I, but 
 the grace of God which was with me.' I was always 
 afraid in public on that account." 
 
 He caused them to read one of Mr. Rutherford's 
 letters, and afterwards said, " This is a book 1 Mould 
 
305 
 
 recommend to you all ; there is more practical religion 
 in that letter, (viz. to Mr. John Mein, 139th Letter,) 
 than in a book of large volumes." 
 
 To a minister that came in, he said, " I am lying 
 waiting for the salvation of God ;" who said, " Re- 
 member what I spoke to you respecting Mr. Ander- 
 son, how gracious the Lord had been to him, taking 
 him away before these heart-breaking providences 
 that have since fallen out." He replied, " I know 
 there is a better end of it ; the cause that is down 
 will not be kept down ; I said it, I'll venture my soul 
 on it : ' Say to Zion, thy God reigneth.' Kings 
 and ministers of state, that build their state on the 
 ruins of Zion, they and their buildings shall be 
 ruined and perish, and their memorial with them." 
 One said, " If the Lord would spare you, it would 
 be a mercy to the place ; the apostle says, ' to abide 
 in the flesh is more needful for you ;' " he answered, 
 " What can a poor wretch signify ? I'll tell you, 
 brother, what I have long thought ; I am no prophet, 
 I pretend to know nothing but what the word of 
 God leads to ; my thoughts of taking off* the ser- 
 vants of God at this time, are, I fear it is coming to 
 that, that there is no stop to be put to the overflow- 
 ing scourge ; there is like to be a general overflowing 
 consumption spreading over, not only this, but all the 
 reformed churches. Sovereignty I will not limit." 
 
 Afterwards one was showing the difficulty we 
 would have, while in the body, with indwelling cor- 
 ruption, he answered, " I often find it ; but the 
 Lord has relieved me : I found this same night, 
 even after the Lord gave me relief, I found indwel- 
 
306 
 
 ling sin showing a great deal of strength." One 
 said, " You know, while you are in the body, that 
 will not be quite taken away: a perfect separation 
 from it we are not to expect here." He added, 
 " This we ' know, that when he shall appear, we 
 shall be like him.' This has been made a comfort- 
 able word to me this last night." 
 
 After a little interruption, he said, " In the day 
 when I was in my distress, and brought to the foot 
 of mount ' Sinai, the mount that might not be 
 touched,' (it was a sensible thing, but by divine 
 appointment it might not be touched,) and when I 
 came to the blackness and darkness, and heard the 
 crashing of thunder, &c. I was standing trembling, 
 wishing I had never been. — While I was waiting 
 for my sentence, he brought me ' to mount Zion, 
 and to the blood of sprinkling,' &c. That view gave 
 my mind rest." 
 
 To the apothecary he said " The Lord is up- 
 holding me. The Lord show you mercy; study 
 religion in the beginning of your years ; remember, 
 if you come to be handled as I am, without it you 
 can have no comfort : I give you this as a solemn 
 warning, if you come to be hardened by the frequent 
 view of persons in my circumstances, you may come 
 to be hardened for ever, and your conscience never 
 be sensible more." 
 
 To three ministers in the place he said, " My 
 dear brethren, ye are all there that are in the town, 
 except my dear colleague, and I have sent for him. 
 Dear brethren, it is not from any confidence in my- 
 self, but out of a sincere love to you, and from what 
 
307 
 
 I myself have felt, that for your encouragement 1 
 presume to say, when the Lord helped me to dili- 
 gence in studying and meditating, I found him then 
 remarkably shining upon me, and testifying his ap- 
 probation of a sincere mind; 'There is nothing to 
 be had with a slack hand.'" 
 
 Then to one of them lately entered into the mi- 
 nistry he said, " Your entry into the ministry is like 
 to fall in an evil day ; there is one thing for your 
 encouragement, you have a call. The times will 
 make hard work to you in this place ; but that which 
 makes your work the harder is, this people's be- 
 ing hardened under a long course of pure gospel- 
 ordinances. However, be faithful, and God will 
 strengthen his own work. I will not say, you will 
 get things brought to what you would have ; but, I'll 
 tell you, I have one thought, and I abide by it, if mi- 
 nisters ply their work, they cannot, it is true, bring 
 persons to the Lord, but they may make their con- 
 sciences, whether they will or not, speak for the Lord." 
 
 Then, continuing his discourse to the ministers, 
 he said, " Now, brethren, give diligence : for the 
 Lord's sake, ply your work, ' hold fast what ye have.' 
 I must have a word to my brethren : it is on my 
 heart, I am young, but I am near the end of my 
 life, and that makes me old. It becomes me to 
 take advice from you. However, it is only to ex- 
 hort to diligence in the common salvation. I repent 
 I did not more, but I have peace in it, that what I 
 did, I did in sincerity : he accepts of the mite. It 
 was the delight of my heart to preach the gospel, 
 and it makes me sometimes neglect a frail body. I 
 
308 
 
 ever thought, if I could contribute to the saving of 
 a soul, it would be a star, a crown, and a glorious 
 crown. I know this was the thing I aimed at ; I 
 desired to decrease, that the Bridegroom might in- 
 crease, and to be nothing, that he might be all; and 
 I rejoice in his greatness." When one said, " Such 
 great attainments might be comfortable to him now," 
 he replied, iX I lay no stress on them ; the thing I 
 rejoice in is, that his grace enabled me to this. 
 Well, brethren, this is encouragement to you to try 
 and go farther. Alas ! I have gone no length, but 
 I would fain have gone farther ; ' The hand of the 
 diligent maketh rich.' Much study, much prayer, 
 temptations also, and distinct deliverance from temp- 
 tations, are useful helps. I was fond enough of 
 books, but I must say in the course of my ministry, 
 what the Lord let me see of my evil heart, and what 
 was necessary against it, was more useful to me than 
 all my books." One said, "that was to believe, 
 and therefore to speak." He replied, " The Lord 
 help me to honour him; I desire no more but to 
 honour him here and hereafter. O that I had the 
 tongues of men and angels to praise him ! 1 hope — 
 I hope, in a little to get will to answer duty, and 
 skill and ability to answer will. O to be helped so, 
 and to fear always !" One said, " Blessed is he 
 that feareth always, and even under manifestations 
 and discoveries of God ; « He that stands, let him 
 take heed lest he fall.' " He said, " Sobriety, so- 
 briety, would fall in a little, if he withdraw ; but do 
 not stumble, Sirs, though I should be shaken, the 
 foundations stand sure." 
 
309 
 
 When advised to lie quiet a little, he said, 
 " On what should a man bestow his last breath, but 
 in commending the Lord Jesus Christ, God clothed 
 in our nature, dying for our sins ? ' It pleased the 
 Lord to bruise him,'" &c. One said, " The Lord 
 hath said, ' I will have mercy, and not sacrifice ;' 
 and pressed him to be tender of his body." He an- 
 swered, " O but my heart is full !" And then, 
 desiring a minister to pray, he said, " Pray that 
 God may have pity on a weak thing, that is not able 
 to bear much in the conflict." 
 
 After prayer, when the ministers were retiring, 
 he said, " Well, my brethren, remember me. I 
 desire to be thankful for what I have. I do not 
 desire to want you long." 
 
 Thereafter to a minister's wife, he said, " I re- 
 commend to you the fear of the Lord ; I know you 
 have a husband to direct you ; I know you are the 
 seed of the righteous; but neither of these will 
 avail. Make it your business to grow in practical 
 acquaintance with him, and encourage yourself in 
 the Lord ; I fear the time is coming, that it shall be 
 said, < Blessed are the breasts that gave no suck, 
 and the womb that never bare.' I fear heavy trials 
 are hastening on." 
 
 To two ministers who came from the country to 
 visit him he said, " Brethren, I'll only say this, we 
 have need to take care, with the great apostle, i lest 
 when we preach Christ to others, we be castaways' — 
 if it is so, we have need to fear ; happy is the man 
 that fears always. Be diligent in preacliing the 
 gospel. I piesume, in the case I am in, to sug- 
 
330 
 
 gcst this advice, that it may not only be your care 
 to be diligent in composing sermons, but, above all, 
 examine your own hearts, and make use of what dis- 
 coveries you get there, to enable you to dive into 
 consciences, to awaken hypocrites, and to separate 
 the precious from the vile ; and to do it with that 
 accuracy and caution, as not to 'make sad the 
 hearts of those God has made glad.' This is the 
 great point in religion, and in the management of 
 your ministry, that you may obtain the testimony of 
 the great Shepherd, when he shall appear. Now, 
 it is probable I may not be far from the conclusion 
 of my work. As to the work of the ministry, it 
 was my deliberate choice; were my days lengthened 
 out much more, and days as troublesome as they are 
 like to be, I would rather be a contemned minister 
 of God, than the greatest prince on earth. I 
 preached the gospel of Christ with pleasure, and I 
 loved it ; for my own soul's salvation depended upon 
 it; and since I lay down, I have not changed my 
 thoughts about it. I commend it to you all, to make 
 it your business to double your diligence ; there may 
 be hard conflicts. You have a prospect of difficul- 
 ties between you and the grave ; we are all good un- 
 tried : but we have need to have ' on the whole ar- 
 mour of God, to watch, and be sober.'" 
 
 One of them said, " I would gladly hear the Pro- 
 fessor's mind of the oath." He answered, " As to 
 the matter of the oath, 'let every one be fully per- 
 suaded in his own mind.' As those who are clear 
 should guard against every thing that may endanger 
 the peace of tliis church; so Likewise others who are 
 
311 
 
 not clear, cannot get over difficulties, and cannot in 
 conscience and duty comply ; they are bound in con- 
 science, not only to abstain from separating, but 
 laboriously to convince their people, that it strikes 
 at the root of church communion. If ministers go 
 on in separating measures, the result of it will be, 
 people will be taken up with the public, and forget 
 private religion. Whoever they are that do so, 
 they will have an accession to this. We shall have 
 people running about seeking to have their ears gra- 
 tified, that love not the power of godliness ; we will 
 get a public religion in the room of real godliness. 
 I love their persons that differ from me, and value 
 what I see of God in them ; but I am « to call no 
 man master but Christ.' 
 
 "With respect to the difference that is like to 
 ensue among ministers, with the greatest earnestness 
 I say, my dear brethren in the Lord Jesus, if dif- 
 ference fall in, there must be condescendence, for- 
 bearance, and tenderness. Whatever apprehen- 
 sions I have of the consequence of some ministers 
 not acting conscientiously, and preaching in such a 
 strain as may do hurt, yet I would speak tenderly, 
 and act tenderly towards them; and let there be 
 much of the forbearance and meekness that is in 
 Jesus , follow peace, peace is worth much ; wounding 
 our church among her enemies is sad. I would not 
 have a hand in wounding the church of Scotland for 
 a world : wounding her at this day is stabbing her 
 under the fifth rib. These things are oppressing to 
 me now, upon the view of eternity: for, 'let my 
 right hand forget her cunning, if I prefer not Jem- 
 
312 
 
 salem to my chief joy.' For, my brethren, for her 
 peace and constitution I'll pray. The great evil 
 that is like in this day to be our bane, nay, ruin, and 
 undoing, is, that there is a coldness and indifference 
 that has crept in ; a want of tenderness in the course 
 of our walk, that gives a great advantage to our 
 enemies; we do not maintain the testimony of God 
 in a humble tender way, in such a day as this, when 
 many are forsaking God. It seems to be a princi- 
 ple now with many, how far they may go and not be 
 ruined ; that is, to go to the brink of destruction ; 
 but the Christian rule is, to stand at a distance. 
 Now the Lord help you. Pray that I may be help- 
 ed to honour God in life and death ; there is much 
 reason to bless him. O to bear it out, and stand 
 the trial thankfully ! O what ground of thankful- 
 ness have I !" 
 
 To his successor in the parish, from which he 
 was transported, he said, " I have this to say, as to 
 my congregation, the people were my choice ; with 
 much peace and pleasure I preached as I couk], 
 though not as I should, the gospel of Jesus Christ ; 
 though in all things I acknowledged myself to have 
 sinned exceedingly before the Lord, yet I have 
 peace that I aimed with concern at leading them to 
 the Lord Jesus : and other foundation can no man 
 lay : I hope you will build on that same foundation, 
 as you will in that way save your own soul, so it is 
 the way to save them that hear you. From expe- 
 rience I can say, that pursuing this sincerely, is the 
 way to salvation. Signify to them, that, if it please 
 the Lord to take me away, I die rejoicing in the 
 
313 
 
 faith and profession of what I often preached to 
 them under a low state of body ; and without this I 
 could have no relief. I would have my people un- 
 derstand, that that gospel which I recommend to 
 them, if it is not received, will be a witness against 
 them." His successor said, " I am persuaded you 
 have seals to your ministry in that parish." He 
 answered, "We are like our Master, 'set for the 
 fall and rising again of many.' Though we can 
 reach no more, if we are faithful, they < shall know 
 that a prophet has been among them.'" 
 
 To one that came in to him, he said, " Learn to 
 die. It is rare to die as a Christian : the most part 
 think there is nothing more to do, but to lay down 
 their heads and die : this is even as one would cover 
 his face, and leap over a rock into the sea." 
 
 To a gentlewoman he said, " I may cry shame 
 on me, and woe is me, that began not sooner, and 
 run not faster ; for the Lord's way is as silver tried. 
 We should never, in matters of eternal moment, 
 choose a way that we will repent of again. I will 
 not detain you, you will have your uncle, he will be 
 a good friend to you : follow his advice ; and follow 
 the example of such persons as he. In a word, fol- 
 low the example of Jesus Christ, and be conversant 
 with the word; be careful, in not only reading the 
 word, you may soon weary of that, but cry for the 
 Spirit of the Lord, to quicken it, and then you will 
 be with it as the child that cannot live without the 
 breasts. Be diligent in attending the ordinances. 
 The Lord bless you. As for me, for any thing I 
 see, I am dying ; but I die, I bless his name, in the 
 o 11 
 
314 
 
 way that I have hitherto chosen, deliberately, and I 
 have no ground to complain. Commend me to all 
 friends. Carry this commission along with you; 
 what I say to one, I say to all, Seek the Lord. 
 And all I have to seek is, that I may stand fast." 
 
 To a private Christian he said, " Seek the Lord, 
 and be in earnest about religion : content not your- 
 self with the form of it ; a mere profession will not 
 serve the purpose ; this will be but the shell without 
 the kernel ; but they that are sincere shall inherit 
 the crown. Let not the scorn and contempt that is 
 cast on religion, cause you to give up with it. It is 
 not in vain to seek the Lord; you have found it. 
 The Scriptures of truth are a contemned book by 
 men ; but they are able to make you wise unto sal- 
 vation; beware of quarrelling with them, and throw- 
 ing them by as a useless book ; but converse with 
 them, and you will find your account in them. All 
 the books of the world coidd not have stood me in 
 that stead, that since yesterday they have been to 
 me. Choose good company; beware of ill company, 
 keep at a distance from it : seek that God may guide 
 you into a religious company, and improve it ; per- 
 sons by whom you may learn something, and that 
 without learning any thing which may be hurtful. 
 You have a sad set of gentry round about here ; 
 take heed ye be not drawn aside by them. This is 
 a friend's advice, that is meet for me, in my circum- 
 stances, especially to give, and meet for you to re- 
 ceive." 
 
 After a little pause, he said, " I will tell you one 
 difference there is this day between my case add the 
 
315 
 
 case of many in the world ; the course I have fol- 
 lowed, though feebly, has been at least to join with 
 them that are on God's side. Now it is come to a 
 push, and I have peace; I always wish to have God 
 for my God, and the ' heritage of his chosen.' But 
 they that walk contrary to God, and forsake him, I 
 have seen them frequently, when they were come to 
 a strait, cry then, ' O shame upon the way I have 
 been following.' " 
 
 In the night-time, to some present he said, " Do 
 you observe this growing weakness of my eyes?" 
 They answered, " No." He replied, " Yea, but I 
 know it is so ; now that is a prognostic of a change. 
 If he shut my eyes, he' will open mv eyes, no more 
 to behold vanity ; but I shall behold him in righte- 
 ousness, and when I awake I shall be satisfied with 
 his likeness." 
 
 Afterwards he said, (t If this be the day of the 
 ending of my conflict, I would desire even humbly 
 to seek of the Lord, that he would of his great 
 mercy condescend to be tender to one that loves his 
 appearance ; that as he has dealt wonderfully and 
 condescendingly with me, so he may even deal ten- 
 derly to the end, in loosing the frame of my taber- 
 nacle, and that I may be helped to honour God by 
 a composed resignation of my spirit into his hand. 
 O religion ! and the glory of it, in this degenerate 
 age, has been much on my heart ; and he has said, 
 ' Them that honour me, I will honour.' I was wil- 
 ling, through his grace, to have borne reproach; if 
 my adversary had written a book, I would have taken 
 and bound it as a glory." 
 
 o2 
 
316 
 
 Finding some sweat on his face, he said, " I fancy 
 that is an indication of a greater change. I can 
 compose myself, I bless his name. I wot not how it 
 comes to pass, that a body that has met with so much 
 of God, should be so unthankful as in the least to 
 doubt him about the rest. O what an * evil heart 
 of unbelief,' cursed unbelief, and cursed self, have I ! 
 O how has God honoured me ! O that I should 
 yet have such an enemy in my bosom as an evil 
 heart !" 
 
 He caused them to read 1 Thess. i. 4. and chap. v. 
 And when one said, " Sir, 1 think you need to 
 take the night's rest," he answered, " I have no 
 need of any rest, were it not to put me in case to 
 • finish my course with joy.' Lo, what the power 
 of Christ's death, and the efficacy of his resurrection 
 are ! And now I find the advantage of one at the 
 ' light hand of God, who is able to save to the ut- 
 termost;' and that is the sight I long for; he will 
 but shut my eyes, and open them in glory ! () it 
 is a great matter, Sirs, to believe ; yet we have 
 strong grounds to believe, only we have ' evil hearts 
 of unbelief.' This I dare say, to have my soul en- 
 tirely submissive to God, and all things, even every 
 high imagination and thought, made subject, is my 
 sincere desire; but I will get that done shortly. 
 Then never will there be a reluctant thought, never 
 an estranged thought more from God : ' Now it 
 does not appear what we shall be ; we shall be like 
 him when he appears ; for we shall see him as he 
 is.' " 
 
 To one that alleged he was faint, he said, " I am 
 
317 
 
 not faintish, 1 am composed, I am refreshed, I am 
 not drunk with wine, and yet I am refreshed with 
 wine, with the spiced wine ; O there is a sweet calm 
 in my soul ! And ' my desires are towards him, 
 and the remembrance of his name.' Remember 
 him ! why should I not remember him, that remem- 
 bered me in my low condition? ' He passed by, 
 and said, Live ;' and when he says, he commands, he 
 gives rest." 
 
 After the reading of the foresaid scripture, he 
 caused them to read 2 Cor. i. 1 — 11. and after the 
 9th and 10th verses were read, he said, " Now there 
 it is all ; God has delivered and filled me with peace, 
 when 1 was under that heavy damp ; and I hope that 
 he will deliver, even from that which I feared in 
 death, and let me find that I have gotten the vic- 
 tory, and that the God of peace will bruise Satan 
 shortly under my feet, and he will get up no more ; 
 and I will get the victory over the cunning world, 
 the deceitful heart. O ! many a weary day I have 
 had with mv unbelief. If 1 had had faith to be- 
 lieve things not seen, if I had had faith equal to 
 the convictions I had in my soul, that my happiness 
 lay not in things seen or temporal, but eternal ; if I 
 had had faith's abiding impressions, realising these 
 things, I would not have known how to remain out 
 of heaven a moment." 
 
 A little thereafter he said, " As I preached the 
 gospel in my life, so I desire to die preaching it; 
 and though I live not till a suffering time, I may get 
 in among the witnesses. Sirs, I will be a witness 
 against St. Andrews, I will be a witness against the 
 
318 
 
 professors that are come about me, if they follow not 
 the Lord." 
 
 When desired to lie quiet, and take sleep, he 
 answered the people, " I am going to ' sleep not 
 day nor night, but cry, Holy, holy, holy ! They 
 that wait on the Lord shall mount up as with eagle's 
 wino-s.' " 
 
 o 
 
 Then he said, " Find ye any alteration as to my 
 coldness? The only reason why I ask is, I would 
 not lose my time." 
 
 " Ah ! poor uncomely I, that think shame to 
 come in among that fair company." One said, 
 " You will be as fair as the rest." He said, 
 " Blessings to his name for composure. I cannot 
 get my heart in a right tune, as I would have it, 
 but in a little I will get it so." 
 
 After he had lain quiet a little, one said, " You 
 have sleeped none." He answered, " No, I had 
 much work, but, blessed be God, pleasant work." 
 
 Afterwards, when his wife asked how he was, 
 he answered, " My dear, I am longing for the sal- 
 vation of my God, and hastening to it." Then 
 seeing her very sad, he said, " My dear, encou- 
 rage yourself; here is a body going to dust, and 
 a soul going to heaven, where I hope you are to 
 come." 
 
 September 19. About five in the morning, when 
 he was desired to lie quiet, and try if he could rest, 
 he answered, " No, no, should I lie here altogether 
 useless ? should not I spend the last portion of my 
 strength to show forth his glory ?" He held up his 
 hands, and said, (his hands and legs were greatly 
 
319 
 
 swelled,) " Lame hands, and lame legs, but see, a 
 lame man leaping and rejoicing !" 
 
 Speaking of his children to his wife, he said, 
 " They are all a devoted thing to the Lord ; and I 
 can say, sometimes, when they were baptized, that 
 the Lord helped me to devote them to him, and 
 bade me bring the rest, and he would accept of 
 them." 
 
 Afterwards, finding some disorder in his body, he 
 said, " This is just one of the forerunners of the 
 change, the great change." One said, " Blessed 
 be the Lord, that he is providing you with relief." 
 He replied, " His word is a good word ; and O he 
 has been condescending, astonishingly condescend- 
 ing ! And I am even made to say, ' Why are his 
 chariot wheels so long a-coming?' When shall I 
 be admitted to see the glory of the higher house, 
 and, instead of that cloudy light of a created sun, to 
 see that clear and perfect glory, and the Lamb in 
 the midst of the throne ?" 
 
 After a while's silence, in the forenoon, finding 
 himself very low, he took farewell of his wife and 
 children, saluting them all one by one, and spoke 
 particularly to each of them. Then he said, " A 
 kind and an affectionate wife you have been to me ; 
 the Lord bless you, and he shall bless you." 
 
 To a minister who came in, he said, " Your ser- 
 vant, brother. I am at a trying work; I am part- 
 ing with my wife and children. Resolve on that, I 
 bless his name, though I have had one of the best 
 of wives, yet she is no more mine, but the Lord's." 
 
 Then to his children he said, " Now you are 
 
320 
 
 fatherless; your father is to be taken from you — 
 but seek God. And now I had you from the Lord, 
 and I give you to him. Now I leave you upon 
 him ; you are no more mine." 
 
 To his son he said, " God bless the lad, and let 
 my name be named upon him. But, O what is my 
 name ! Let the name of the Lord be named upon 
 him. I do not say, keep up my name ; but O that 
 you may be honoured to tell the generation follow- 
 ino- how eood God is, and to hand down the testi- 
 mony ! And O that ye may all be the Lord's !" 
 
 After that, he spoke to his servants, and said, 
 " As for you, my servants, that have been in my 
 family, my dear friends, make religion your main 
 business, and mind that above all things. I charge 
 all my servants in my house, beware of graceless 
 masters, avoid them, as what may turn to your de- 
 struction ; seek to be with them that fear the Lord." 
 
 Then he said, " I will not bring up an ill report 
 on religion ; nay, I cannot but give a testimony to 
 it : ' Tribulation worketh patience ; and patience, 
 experience; experience, hope; and hope makes not 
 ashamed.' God has shed abroad his love in my 
 heart; and I am waiting for his salvation. Here 
 is a demonstration of the reality of religion, that I, 
 a poor, weak, timorous man, once as much afraid of 
 death as any, I, that have been many years under 
 the terrors of death, come now, in the mercy of God, 
 and by the power of his grace, composedly, and with 
 joy, to look death in the face. I have seen it in its 
 paleness, and all the circumstances of horror attend- 
 ing it ; I dare look it in the face in its most ghastly 
 
321 
 
 shape, and hope within a little to have the victory. 
 Then he said, I hope he will deal tenderly; but 
 pray for me, that my ' faith fail not :' I loved to 
 live preaching Christ, and love to die preaching 
 Christ." 
 
 To some ministers, that were come in, he said, 
 " My brethren, I have been taking farewell of wife 
 and children ; I have been giving them up to God, 
 from whom I received them : I am upon the wing of 
 eternity ; but glory to God, « I know in whom I have 
 believed.' " 
 
 Then he said, " Dear brethren, will you begin 
 and speak a word to one who longs to hear of Christ; 
 O I love to hear the gospel, I love to preach it, it 
 is a joyful sound, a sweet sound ; I love to hear of 
 his name ; ' his name is as ointment poured forth ;' 
 the efficacy lies here, they are his ordinances, his 
 institutions, and he has promised to bless them ; 
 that makes me desire them. The gospel as dis- 
 pensed, is the ' ministration of the Spirit.' I have 
 need of grace, that I may be helped to stand to it 
 to the last, and in the last conflict to honour him." 
 One said, " God has been gracious to you hitherto; 
 and you know, he is always the same, he is the same 
 to those that belong to him: there is one good word, 
 * I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.' " He 
 answered, " Blessed be his name, that he will stand 
 by me. O ! to have him shut my eyes himself, and 
 then to open them, that I may behold him in his 
 own light." 
 
 Afterwards he said, " Well, Sirs, what shall we 
 say of the Lord Christ ? ' He is altogether lovely.' 
 03 
 
322 
 
 Religion is a mystery; but I was looking through 
 the promises this night, and observing how to pro- 
 vide against the last conflict : I was astonished, and 
 at a stand, when I saw the sweet accomplishment of 
 them : every promise of the word of God is sweet ; 
 they are sure promises. O ! Sirs, study the word, 
 observe the accomplishment of it; it was the thing 
 I loved all my days, and it is sweet to the last. O 
 the accomplishment of the word is worthy to be ob- 
 served, and especially when I was looking this same 
 night to what he has already fulfilled to me." 
 
 To a minister he said, " Now, Sir, though I 
 will not limit the Lord as to time, I am expecting 
 the onset from the last enemy ; and I know not but 
 I may get many enemies about me ere then." 
 
 Then exhorting some to think on death, he said, 
 " To remember death is a profitable thing: to re- 
 member death is not to go to church-yards and visit 
 tombs ; but it lies in this, to be habitually under the 
 impression of death in its rise and cause, in its pre- 
 sent state and relation to both covenants; the various 
 issues and consequences of it, and the way of deli- 
 very from it, and all the circumstances attending 
 it." 
 
 Then, as to his spiritual enemies, he said, " But 
 I think I am now almost out of their hand." One 
 said, " That is a great victory." He answered, 
 " I dare not speak of victory; but he holds me up, 
 though I cannot keep pace : I am afraid to speak, 
 lest a cursed enemy, namely, self, lie at the door to 
 catch; for when I had the greatest advantages, I 
 have felt corruption stirring, and making no small 
 
323 
 
 work, inclining me to spoil my Lord of his glory." 
 One said,' " We shall neither under mercies nor 
 afflictions be free of this trial.'' He said, " O 
 strange, that when death has so long been kept in 
 view, that it should be so !" One said, " You 
 have reason to count that a victory, that the Lord 
 has helped you over your late fears ; you know what 
 a dread you was under on Wednesday, and what a 
 sweet relief you got." He answered, " I desire to 
 bless his name for it ; but I should yet be under as 
 great a dread if he should withdraw : holy fear, cau- 
 tion, and jealousy, is still needful." 
 
 After that, to the ministers, he said, " Brethren, 
 you are there : in case I should be surprised, I take 
 this opportunity to acknowledge your tenderness to 
 me, that I am most unworthy of it in many respects. 
 I can say I desired to live in love with you ; and I 
 bless God there was harmonv amongst us. The Lord 
 bless you and your labours ; the Lord himself mul- 
 tiply spiritual blessings on you and your families, 
 support you against discouragements ; and the Lord 
 in mercy look on the rising generation; the Lord 
 keep his hands about the seminaries in this place; 
 God look with pity on them." Then to one he 
 said, " My dear brother, who has been my comfort 
 in affliction, stand your ground; quit yourself like 
 a man ; be strong. Now, Sir, now my dear friend, 
 I shall only say, as I wish you the blessing of God 
 on your family, so I desire that you will even show 
 kindness to the dead, in sympathy and kindness to 
 my dear wife and children : I recommend her to 
 your care; she has been the friend of my bosom, 
 
324 
 
 the wife of my youth, a faithful friend." And 
 turning to all tne ministers present, " O ! Sirs, 
 check my poor babies, if ye see any thing in 
 them disorderly: I have lent and devoted them to 
 the Lord. Last spring the Lord has made proof of 
 it, and has taken me at my word.* O ! Sirs, it 
 is an evidence of the decay of religion, that sympathy 
 and love among the saints are decayed. O that the 
 Spirit were poured out from on high !" Then he 
 said, " Pray, Sirs, pray for grace : I would have the 
 praise of the victory to him." 
 
 Afterwards he said, " Patience must have its 
 perfect work : I will wait for it ; my soul longs more 
 than they that wait for the morning. Sweet Lord 
 Jesus, make haste, ' until the day break, and the 
 shadows flee away.' " Then to a minister he said, 
 " Pray a word for patience to me to stand this last 
 trial." 
 
 Thereafter, at his desire, a long paper was read 
 over to him, which he had dictated some days be- 
 fore, containing a testimony to religion, and advice 
 to his family; which being read, he acknowledged, 
 before several witnesses, that he had dictated the 
 same ; and desired, that these, as his words, might 
 be attested by them: the tenor whereof follows : 
 
 " Having, in another paper apart, made such a 
 disposition of my worldly concerns as I thought most 
 expedient for my family, I did think myself bound 
 moreover, by this present testament, and latter will, 
 to declare my sentiments and sense as to religion; 
 
 By this lie meant the death of his son George. 
 
325 
 
 but hitherto, through the mercy of God, in the full 
 and composed exercise of any reason and judgment 
 that God has given, though otherwise very frail in 
 body. And this I am the rather inclined to do, as 
 a testimony against the growing apostacy of the 
 day we live in, and in expression of my earnest con- 
 cern to have all with whom I have any influence or 
 interest to adhere to the truth and way of God, in 
 opposition to that general inclination to apostacy, in 
 principle and practice, that prevails this day. 
 
 " In the first place, then, I do ingenuously ac- 
 knowledge, that I came into the world a defiled 
 polluted branch of apostate Adam, under the guilt 
 of his sin, tainted with the pollution of sin, derived 
 from him, having a heart full of alienation from, and 
 an enmity against God ; in a word, ' a child of 
 wrath, and heir of hell.' And long did I follow 
 the bent of this corrupt nature, going on, notwith- 
 standing reclaiming means of all sorts, from evil to 
 worse, though mercifully restrained from those more 
 open scandals, that bring reproach before the world : 
 in a word, I had ruined myself, and could do nothing 
 for my own recovery ; and must have been everlast- 
 ingly ruined in this case, if the Lord, in tender mercy, 
 had not looked upon me. 
 
 " I must, on the other hand, (and the Lord knows 
 I do it with much cheerfulness of heart,) bless the 
 Lord, who cast my lot in a land where the gospel 
 of Christ, and the way of salvation by him, is clearly, 
 plainly, and purely revealed and preached, wherein 
 the pure ordinances of God's worship, without the 
 mixture of men's inventions, have, through the mercy 
 
326 
 
 of God, been kept up, and the beautiful order of his 
 house maintained, according to the rule of his word. 
 I bless the Lord that he so ordered it, that I was 
 born in a religious family, of godly parents, and that 
 I had this to say, that God was my father's God, 
 and that I had been by them earnestly and seriously 
 devoted to him. And whereas I early subjected my- 
 self to other lords, in my childhood and youth, I 
 bless and adore the Lord, that by his word and 
 Spirit, he ceased not to be a reprover, reclaimer; 
 and to strive with me, until, by a day of his power, 
 he made me cheerfully give up with those abomina- 
 tions, and return to the God of my fathers. Loner 
 did I struggle against the Lord's work ; but praises 
 to free grace, he proved stronger than I, and over- 
 came me, and I rejoiced in his strength. 
 
 I bless the Lord, though, by many provocations 
 of all sorts, I have given him just ground to aban- 
 don me quite, yet he has not so done; nay, even 
 when I was as a beast before him, he held me by the 
 hand, and left me not to run away. O astonishing 
 sovereignty of grace ! I bless the Lord, that when 
 I stood trembling under the terrors of God's law, he 
 seasonably saved me from despair, by some discovery 
 of the blessed way of salvation for self-destroved 
 sinners, through a slain Saviour; even such a dis- 
 covery as made me resolve to part with all, that I 
 might have the field, Christ the treasure hid in it, 
 and pearl of great price. There is nothing I dread 
 so much as a mistake in this matter : it is Christ only 
 that will answer me and my case ; and without him 
 I am undone : on the efficacy of his sufferings, the 
 
327 
 
 power of his resurrection, and of his whole media- 
 tion, as revealed in the gospel, do I build all my 
 hope. 
 
 " I bless the Lord that he ever honoured such a 
 sinful unworthy worm to preach the glorious gospel 
 of his Son. I confess I have but ill managed this 
 glorious trust ; and my manifold corruptions made me 
 a sinner in all I did exceedingly; yet, so far as I do 
 know my own heart, it was the life of my life ' to 
 preach Christ crucified,' and deal with consciences 
 about accepting of him ; nor durst I deal coldly, or 
 indifferently, in a matter on which I knew my own 
 and hearers' salvation to eternity depended. Herein 
 this day I have peace, and I know that in this matter 
 I shall never have ground of regret. I must bear 
 my honourable Master that testimony, that he never 
 bid me go any part of my warfare upon my own 
 charges ; if I was straitened, it was in my own bowels ; 
 as to him, I always found, that to spend and have in 
 his service, was the best thrift ; when I was helped 
 freely to give what freely I had received, I never 
 wanted then seed for sowing-, and bread for the eater, 
 and I hope sometimes a blessing. 
 
 " I bless God that he has cast the lot of an in- 
 significant worm among those to whom his weak la- 
 hours were not unacceptable ; and I look upon it as 
 a high privilege to have the countenance of the 
 saints, ' the excellent ones of the earth;' I have de- 
 sired to live with them here, and desire to have my 
 portion with them eternally hereafter. I have peace 
 this day, that, through his merciful hand, I have 
 been kept from making any worldly interest the main 
 
328 
 
 design; it is to his grace only I owe this, as every 
 thing else. 
 
 " I bless the Lord that I have been happily visited 
 in the several places wherein I lived, with kind, af- 
 fectionate, useful fathers and brethren to me, with 
 whom I have lived with much delight and satisfac- 
 tion, and for whom I bless the Lord heartily. 
 
 " In a word, I desire to join my insignificant tes- 
 timony to that of the glorious cloud of witnesses; 
 and particularly I do attest, as my fixed persuasion, 
 that Christ only has the ' words of eternal life;' that 
 the ' gospel only has brought life and immortality to 
 light;' that this blessed revelation is able * to make 
 wise to salvation every one that believeth.' I must 
 bear testimony, that the way of holiness is the way 
 of peace, and the way of pleasantness ; and that gos- 
 pel-ordinances, in their native simplicity and purity, 
 are blessed and effectual means of communion and 
 ' fellowship with the Father and with the Son.' 
 
 " I see a generation, that has long ago lost any 
 thing of the power of religion some of them once 
 seemed to have, hastening fast to an utter rejection 
 of the purity of gospel-ordinances, and strongly in- 
 clined to substitute in their room that dead carcase 
 of forms, ceremonies, and superstitions, which Eng- 
 land, at her reformation, regarding political consi- 
 derations more than the rule of church-reformation, 
 retained, to the unspeakable prejudice of souls, and 
 to the endangering, one day or other, the whole of 
 the Christian religion there; it being visible, that, 
 among those who adhere to them, the power of re- 
 ligion is still wearing lower and lower ; and nothing 
 
329 
 
 could induce this generation to the change, but their 
 utter ignorance of the power of religion ; and some- 
 thing men must have. It is obvious, the change is 
 not of God; the lives of the zealots for it demon- 
 strate this, with the opposition made by them unto 
 serious godliness, and the encouragement given unto 
 profane persons, if they will but join with them in 
 this party-design. In a word, my sense of it is, that 
 it flows from the want of a sense of the spirituality 
 that God requires in his worship, and is likely to 
 issue in the loss of all religion. Such as now cavil 
 at the purity and simplicity of religion, and put forms 
 in its room, are likely, ere long, as we have seen in- 
 stances, to set the form aside too. 
 
 " In a word, all in God's way, in his word, is 
 glorious, honourable, and, like himself, he needs 
 none of our testimonies ; but it is the least that we 
 can do, to signify our good will to have his praises 
 celebrated; and I, being so many ways obliged, take 
 this solemn occasion to acknowledge, before I leave 
 the world, these among the innumerable other obli- 
 gations ; and desire to bequeath, this as my best le- 
 gacy to my family, even my serious and solemn ad- 
 vice, to make choice of God for their God : he has 
 been my father's God, the God both of my wife's 
 predecessors and mine : he has been, we hope, our 
 God ; and I recommend him to my children for their 
 God ; solemnly charging them, as all of them will 
 be answerable in the great day, to make it their first 
 care to seek after peace with God, and reconciliation 
 through Christ crucified; and being reconciled, make 
 it their perpetual study to please him in all things. 
 
330 
 
 I beseech them, with all the bowels of a father, as 
 they love their souls, rest not satisfied short of sav- 
 ing acquaintance with him, wait diligently upon 
 the means of grace, and attend the worship of God 
 in all duties, especially secret, and family likewise, 
 and carefully attend public ordinances; beware of 
 contenting yourselves with the mere form of these 
 duties, but cry to the Lord for communion with him 
 in them, and the outpouring of his Spirit, whereby 
 you may be enabled to worship God, who is a spirit, 
 in spirit. It is my charge to you, and that which I 
 am above all things relating to you concerned in, that 
 ye follow God; follow him early, follow him fully, 
 without turning aside to the right or left hand. In 
 this way I dare promise you blessedness ; if ye fol- 
 low this way, I bless you all, and pray, that he who 
 blesses, and they who are blessed, may bless you all. 
 I have often devoted, as I could, all of you to God ; 
 and there is nothing I have so much at heart, as to 
 have this stand, that ye may indeed be the Lord's : 
 and if ye turn aside from this way, then I will have 
 this to be a standing witness against you in the day 
 of the Lord. O that God himself, by his grace, 
 may, in a day of his power, determine your tender 
 hearts to seek him early, and he will be a good por- 
 tion, and see well to you : ' your bread shall be given 
 you, and your water shall be sure ;' necessaries you 
 shall have, and a blessing; though you have not 
 many blood-relations, ye shall not want a friend every 
 where, and that a steady friend. I leave you, my 
 dear family, upon the mercies of God in Christ, and 
 recommend him, and the word of his grace to you, 
 
331 
 
 and you to him, and to the word of his grace. Be 
 obedient and comfortable to your mother, as ye would 
 have God's blessing : she deserves this at your hand, 
 and will need that comfort. 
 
 " I leave this one advice more to my family, that 
 whereas we have a prospect of divisions and different 
 apprehensions and practices among ministers and 
 people, particularly about this oath of abjuration, be- 
 ware of interesting yourselves in that difference, or 
 entertaining prejudices against ministers upon the 
 one hand or the other ; there will be faithful minis- 
 ters on both sides, and on either hand they will act 
 sincerely, according to their light ; whoever shall be 
 accessory to the weakening of any of their hands, 
 will find no peace in it, in the close of the day ; be- 
 ware of a religion that is most taken up about public 
 matters. The sum of the gospel is Christ crucified. 
 Seek where this is purely preached; beware of an 
 itching after pulpit-debates. ' Walk humbly with 
 God, fear always.' Keep at a distance from ap- 
 pearances of evil ; follow peace, truth, holiness. 
 This, instead of legacies, I leave unto you, as my 
 last will, never to be revoked. 
 
 " As for my body, I commit it to the dust, un- 
 der the care of the Keeper of Israel, expecting and 
 hoping, that the quickening Spirit, that is the Spirit 
 of the Head, which actuates all the members of his 
 mystical body, will in due time quicken my mortal 
 body. And for my spirit, I commend it unto the 
 Lord Jesus Christ ; with him I have intrusted it long 
 ago ; and I will end it, with Stephen, crying, « Lord 
 Jesus receive my spirit.' 
 
 " Tho. Halyburton." 
 
332 
 
 Afterwards, to some present he said, " Profes- 
 sors, I have this to say this day about religion — we 
 have a double call to give a testimony to it ; atheism 
 and profaneness are coming in like a flood. We 
 shall all be martyrs. Blessings to his name to get 
 leave to lie on this bed, to testify against profane- 
 ness and atheism. But," said he, " it is very pain- 
 ful to be lying here when all is ready, I mean, to be 
 dwelling in this, when there is a habitation, a better 
 house. I am loosed from my enjoyments, my dearest 
 wife and children; I have given up with them, and 
 my heart is disengaged ; but I put them in a good 
 hand; I have put them in the Lord's hand. I do 
 confess, God has been braying me in a mortar this 
 long time, and I see he has been doing some work; 
 I was made like a weaned child ; I durst not repine." 
 1 hen he cried, " O when wilt thou come ? Come, 
 Lord Jesus. I wait for the Lord." 
 
 Afterwards, when some people came in to see him, 
 he said, " These fourteen or fifteen years I have 
 been studying the promises; but I have seen more 
 of the book of God this night than in all that time. 
 C) the wisdom that is laid up in the book of God ! 
 that is to be found only there." Then he said, " I 
 know a great deal from a dying man will go for cant- 
 ing and raving : but I bless God he has so kept the 
 little judgment I had, that I have been able to re- 
 flect with composure on his dealing with me. I am 
 sober and composed, if ever I was sober. And 
 whether men will forbear, or whether they will hear, 
 this is a testimony. The operations of the Spirit 
 of God are ridiculed in this day: but if we take 
 away the operations and influences of the Spirit of 
 
333 
 
 God in religion, I know not what is left. He pro- 
 mised the Spirit to lead us into all truth. O that 
 this generation would awaken, to seek after the 
 quickening influences of the Spirit ! O for a day of 
 the down-pouring of the Spirit from on high, in a 
 work of conversion ! for such a day as that, when 
 the Spirit of God effectually reached our fathers, and 
 brought forth great men, and made others to be con- 
 quered by them ! ' The residue of the Spirit is with 
 him.' " 
 
 To a minister he said, " I am won now, I say, I 
 am won, brother, longing for the salvation of God, 
 and for the day when I shall see his appearance. 
 But I must keep my post, and good reason, if he 
 send me but fresh supplies, as much as help me, till 
 I come home, that I may not dishonour him, by beg- 
 ging at another's door : I am so proud, I would take 
 all from him, and not to beg from other lords. Our 
 Master gives his servants a very honourable allow- 
 ance." 
 
 Then to the physician he said, " Doctor, it is 
 great bravery to face death on a sick-bed. The 
 heathens of old, whenever they turned impatient, ran 
 awav to kill themselves, and made an end of them- 
 selves, they could not endure it. Is it not more 
 courage, and a nobler spirit, that the Lord allows 
 even the weak, the timorous, the faintish, a power 
 whereby they can He under sickness and pain, and 
 brave the stoutest enemy, by a patience of spirit ?" 
 
 After a pause, he said, " I think we shall lose 
 the very semblance of religion. Our gentry and 
 nobility, if the Lord do not reclaim them, I think, are 
 
334 
 
 all like to turn heathens, drunkards, swearers, &c. 
 Among other things, I rejoice in it, that the Lord 
 is taking me away in my younger years, that I will 
 be free of the transgression of the wicked ; and it 
 has many a year grieved my soul to see it." 
 
 After a little, he said, " There is a sweet com- 
 posure on my spirit. The beams of the house are 
 as it were cracking. I am laying down my taber- 
 nacle, to build again. O to get grace to be faithful 
 to the death : for after we have gone through many 
 things, yet we have need still to wait on God till 
 the last; for it is ' he that endures to the end that 
 shall be saved.* Am not I a man wonderfully up- 
 held by God under affliction and death ? The death 
 of the saints is made a derision in our day; but 
 if they laugh at me, I can laugh at them, and I think 
 I have better reason ; let them come to my state, and 
 they dare not ; and ; I will rejoice in my God, and 
 joy in the God of my salvation, though the fig-tree 
 should not blossom, and there should be no fruit in 
 the vine, and the labour of the olive should fail.' 
 But," said he, " blessed be God, I am provided : 
 God is a good portion : I want death to complete my 
 happiness." 
 
 After a little pause, he said, " I was this day 
 afraid, in the morning, that want of rest might have 
 discomposed me, I would fain have rest for fear of 
 my head. The Lord has been very kind to me, in 
 giving me composure and the exercise of my judg- 
 ment, after I had a sore distracting trouble in the 
 beiiinninsr of mv death-bed sickness." Then he 
 said, " But being laid here, I must speak; it is the 
 
335 
 
 last service the Lord Jesus calls for at my hand ; and 
 I owe him so much, that I cannot but commend him. 
 As far as my word will go, I must proclaim it, he is 
 the best Master that ever I saw." 
 
 Then to the physician he said, " I fancy my feet 
 are growing cold, Doctor; yea, yea, all the parts 
 of this body are going to ruin. You may, said he, ~\ 
 believe a man venturing on eternity. I am not act- 
 ing as a fool, but I have weighed eternity this last 
 night. I have looked on death as stripped of all 
 things pleasant to nature; I have considered the 
 spade and grave, and every circumstance in it that 
 is terrible to nature ; and, under the view of all these, 
 I found that in the way of God, that gave satisfac- 
 tion, not only a rational satisfaction, but a heart-en- 
 gaging power attending it, that makes me rejoice." 
 The doctor said, " You speak beyond your strength ; 
 it is a wonder to see you hold out so." He answer- 
 ed, " I cannot bestow my strength better, Doctor ; 
 and I owe him much more. I have narrow thoughts; 
 I am like to be overwhelmed, and I know not where 
 I am ; when I think on what I am to be, and what 
 I am to see, I have long desired, and prayed for 
 it ; blessed be God, I am richly furnished. I had 
 as much the day after my sister died." 
 
 To his son he said, " O man, if I had as many 
 sons as there are hairs in your head, I would bestow 
 them all on God. David, these are honest people," 
 (meaning the ministers) " mind their advice; the curse 
 of God will overtake you, if you follow it not. Be- 
 ware of ill company; read the Bible. I pray you 
 may be an encouragement to your mother." 
 
336 
 
 He was much concerned about his two nephews 
 abroad, on which he dictated a letter for them ; which 
 is as follows : 
 
 " Dear Nephew, 
 
 " The words of your dying uncle, the last letter 
 from him, should have some weight ; and my earnest 
 desire, that it may have weight in order to your eter- 
 nal salvation, is the reason of my emploving some of 
 my last minutes, by a borrowed hand, to commend 
 unto you to make earnest of religion, and not to rest 
 content with a dead, dry, barren profession. I can 
 tell you, since I came to this bed of languishing, I 
 have found a full proof, that religion is a real, usefid, 
 noble, and profitable thing. I have been helped, 
 through the mercy of God, during my lying here, 
 to rejoice in the goodness of God, and lie composedly 
 and pleasantly : nothing but religion, nothing, no- 
 thing but the power of the grace of God, can have 
 that efficacy, to enable me to do so ; and having 
 found it so serviceable a friend, I could not but com- 
 mend it to you. It is a day of power only that will 
 engage you effectually, and will prevail with you to 
 engage in earnest. A providence like this may 
 rouse some present affections, which will go off in an 
 empty flash again ; but it must be a renewing work 
 of grace that will fix an abiding anchor. The Lord 
 in mercy engage your heart to him, that you may 
 find how good he is to the soul that seeks him, as 
 I do this day to my joy, and hope to do more fully 
 in a little. I could not but commend the Lord to 
 vou, having found so much of his goodness ; I never 
 
337 
 
 found so much when I was in health and prosperity, 
 as I find now in sickness and languishing: I find he 
 makes all things to be for good to his people ; sick- 
 ness, or health, or diseases, or whatever they be, all 
 is ffood, and I find all for good. I am longing 1 to 
 be away, and I must break off. If God be pleased 
 to bless this advice from a dying friend, we will 
 meet, and meet comfortably, in the higher house ; I 
 mean, if ye comply with the design of the advice. I 
 fear the influence of the place you live in, want of 
 lively ordinances, and the converse of lively Chris- 
 tians, may endanger you. Converse much with the 
 word of God ; be much in secret prayer. God can 
 give a good appetite, and a strong stomach, that out 
 of a very sapless piece of nourishment can fetch 
 something that will give strength, and make coarser 
 food subsist and nourish too. However, as soon as 
 you can, seek after lively ordinances : endeavour by 
 all means to cultivate acquaintance with the saints, 
 the ' excellent ones in the earth,' that fear God. 
 
 " Dear nephew, I remember kindly your wife, 
 and I advise you, in that place where you can scarcely 
 have access to any ordinances, and cannot but be 
 exposed to many disadvantages and dangers in point 
 of religion — I advise you to take the first oppor- 
 tunity of coming out of Babylon, and settling your 
 business where ye may be under lively means of 
 grace. I know you are a child of many prayers, and 
 you were prayed back from the gates of death ; and 
 now I wish that you may give evidence that you 
 have been prayed back indeed for mercy to your- 
 self. I shall be glad that this advice from a dying 
 p 11 
 
338 
 
 man come to be any way useful to you. The Lord 
 be with your spirit. You cannot expect from any 
 one of my condition, a digested, polished letter; 
 but I speak the words of soberness, and full com- 
 posure of mind, blessed be God. Let your kind- 
 ness to the dead appear in your kindness to my dear 
 widow, whom I leave behind, and my six children ; 
 show your concern for both. 
 
 " Tho. Halyburton " 
 
 To some present he said, " O Sirs, I dread 
 mightily, that a rational sort of religion is coming 
 in among us ; I mean by it, a religion that consists 
 in a bare attendance on outward duties and ordi- 
 nances, without the power of godliness; and by this 
 means people shall fall into a way of serving God, 
 which is mere deism, having no relation to Christ 
 Jesus, and the Spirit of God." To his colleague 
 he said, " Dear brother, let not modesty hinder you 
 from laying out your talents that way; God has 
 given you abilities. Well, brother, to encourage 
 you, I must tell you, I must say it, your conversa- 
 tion has been a blessing to me; our mutual com- 
 munication about the concerns of the Lord was re- 
 vivinc. It was after a sweet night's communication 
 of this sort, that God relieved me of my grief re- 
 specting my son George, and brought me to a sweet 
 submission in the prospect of his approaching death. 
 O ! if we could be concerned about God's interest, 
 he would look well to ours." 
 
 Then he said, " If I had all our brethren present 
 now, I would tell them how much it is upon my 
 
339 
 
 heart that they may maintain brotherly love, and 
 beware of division." One said, " I have observed 
 that that has been many times the greatest trial of 
 the church of Scotland. Alas ! the fatal lengths 
 that division came in time of persecution, and not 
 without the influence of some by their preaching, 
 lias brought us to that pass, that we are not like to 
 recover." He said, " O what a care has God of me, 
 that is hiding me from the evil to come ! I was 
 willing to stand my post with you, to stand and fall 
 with the church of Scotland; but my Master is 
 calling me away. O ! I pity, I pity them that stay 
 behind. I am no prophet, I do not pretend to pro- 
 phesy; but I am persuaded a storm is coming on this 
 church." One said. " I hope, brother, the Lord will 
 not quit his church in Scotland." He answered, 
 " Indeed I hope not ; but I much doubt if this gene- 
 ration will be honoured to do God great service, and 
 see good days ; I do not much wonder that he has laid 
 me by: but, however, they that 'keep the faith, 
 and fight the good fight,' shall have abundant peace. 
 Well, well, Sirs, the day must break; I hope, I 
 hope the Lord will arise, and the church will be 
 made a wonder; he will say, ' Lo ! this people have 
 I formed for myself :' he can make a nation to be 
 born at once." 
 
 Often he said this day, " O how composed am I ! 
 what a wonder to be so, while I see the evident symp- 
 toms of my dissolution !" and cried often, as in the 
 Song, " When shall the day break, and the shadows 
 fly away? Turn, my beloved, and be thou like a 
 roe or a young hart upon the mountains of Bether.' 
 p2 
 
340 
 
 I am longing to be dissolved, and to be with Christ, 
 that is far better." 
 
 When a minister's son came in, he said, " John, 
 vou are going to get another lesson from a dying 
 man ; you got one from a dying father, and now 
 another from a second father." This he said be- 
 cause that young man was recommended to his care. 
 Then telling how kind the Lord was to that minis- 
 ter when dying, he said, " I have found much of 
 God's goodness too, I did not think to come near 
 him, but I was desiring and panting after a share of 
 his happiness ; and now God has given it me. And 
 now, John, I charge you, trace your father's steps, 
 as ye will be answerable at the great day. O serve 
 the Lord ! and for your encouragement, I tell you, 
 John, he is the best of masters ; be encouraged to 
 seek God, beware of the vanities of youth ; and take 
 heed to your ways according to the word of God. 
 The Lord bless you, and bless your sisters, and make 
 them in their younger years to seek God, and it 
 will be well with you. The reverend old man, your 
 grandfather, your father looked on him as an orphan ; 
 be you as a father to him, be always presenting the 
 word of life to him, and have a tender care of him ; 
 it is the way to obtain a blessing. Pray for me, 
 for patience to the end, that I may get to praise 
 him. I many times had a mistuned voice ; but, which 
 is worse, I had a mistuned heart: but I'll get all 
 right tuned above." 
 
 To a minister that came from Edinburgh to visit 
 him, he said, " Come and see your friend in the 
 best case that ever you saw him in, longing for a 
 
341 
 
 deliverance, and ' hastening to the coming of the 
 day of God, waiting for the salvation of God,' on a 
 bed of roses, though nature and body say not so, 
 a bed perfumed. And, Sir, I sent for you, I longed 
 to see you, that I might give you encouragement 
 in an evil world to preach the gospel, and stand by 
 Christ, that has been so good to me. This is the 
 best pulpit that ever I was in, I am now laid on this 
 bed for this end, that I may commend my Lord." 
 He answered, " It is a great blessing that he com- 
 mends himself to you, and I desire to bless him on 
 that account." To which he replied, " Yea, he 
 commended himself first." 
 
 September 20. In the morning, when a minister 
 asked how he was, he said, " I am composed, waiting 
 for him." To which he replied, " You see how 
 kindly he deals with you, he is both antidating in your 
 soul heavenly exercise, and heavenly enjoyments." 
 On which he said, " He is preparing and making 
 me ' meet for the inheritance of the saints in light.' " 
 The minister said, " He deals so tenderly with you, 
 that he gives you little to do but to praise." He 
 answered, " I have reason to desire the help of all 
 to praise him : ' Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all 
 that is within me, magnify his holy name.' " 
 
 To some entering the room, he said, " Indeed 
 you are all very welcome, Sirs, I am taking a little 
 wine for refreshment, and in a little I'll get my wine 
 fresh and new in his kingdom of glory; I dare 
 scarcely allow my thoughts to run directly upon it, 
 I must look aside, lest I should be overwhelmed. 
 But I cannot sufficiently speak of him, who has done 
 
342 
 
 wonderful things for me, and hast kept me this day 
 in a perfect calm." One said, " You have got, I 
 trust, what your heart can desire, to make you meet 
 for going through the valley of the shadow of death, 
 since Wednesday that you had your own trial." 
 He answered, '" Weeping may endure for a night, 
 hut joy comes in the morning.' It is but a little, 
 and I shall get that rest, I am getting the earnest 
 of it. It is but a little, and I'll get himself. ' Light 
 is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the up- 
 right.' Oh ! when will it come, that I may get 
 there, where I'll conceive aright of glory. ' I can- 
 not order my speech now, because of darkness ;' but 
 I long to behold it. I have the patience to wait 
 until he come. I have experienced much of his 
 goodness since I lay down in this bed. I have found 
 that ' tribulation works patience, and patience ex- 
 perience, and experience hope.' And I have found 
 the 'love of God shed abroad in my soul.'" Then 
 turning to his wife, he said " Come away, my dear, 
 and encourage yourself in the expectation, that un- 
 der the conduct of the same Captain of salvation, you 
 will come hither, and cast yourself and vour family 
 upon the Lord ; encourage yourself, God liveth ; 
 blessed be my Redeemer, the Rock of my strength." 
 After that, to his son he said, " I am going to 
 die ; I am to be a bridegroom to day, at least I am 
 to be the bride ; I am going home to my God, and 
 I hope your God. And be sure that you be with 
 God often : and if ye be often with him, ye will be 
 where I am. My dear, seek God, seek him, and 
 seek him early, and he will be found of you. 'The 
 
343 
 
 angel that preserved him, bless the lad.' Remember, 
 David, that I have commended God and his way to 
 you." Then he said, " O ! Sirs, if there were a 
 day of the power of God going along, and God 
 taking hold of the hearts of youth. Poor thing, 
 read your book, and be a good scholar yourself, and 
 be sure to seek God, that he may teach you." 
 
 Then he said, " Who is like him ? O ! what 
 he has allowed me this night ! I know now the 
 meaning of that word, ' Ask what ye will in my 
 name, and ye shall receive it.' I say, the Lord 
 has even allowed me to be very familiar in every 
 circumstance, and I have thought I was even aiming 
 at it." 
 
 Then to his daughter he said, y Come, Margaret, 
 I must again commend to you my God, and his 
 ways. Be an encouragement to your mother. Re- 
 member the many exhortations I have given you, 
 and despise them not, and save your own soul ; and 
 cry that in a day of his power he may bring you to 
 sound sincerity. You have lost a loving father : it 
 will be God only that can make him up. But God 
 can do more; and indeed we must not compare fa- 
 thers. Your father and mother have given you to 
 God ; do not you give yourself unto the devil. In 
 all things aim at pleasing God ; and, my dear, you 
 will never repent it." 
 
 After that, he caused his son to come to him, and 
 said, " David, keep not near vain persons, any 
 body that will swear, or lie, or speak any thing that 
 is bad, or that will break the Sabbath-day, come 
 not near them; and pray that God may give you a 
 
344 
 
 better memory to remember the sermons, and stay 
 your heart." 
 
 Then he said, " O let us exalt his name together ! 
 
 glory dwells in Immanuel's land ! I long for the 
 fragrancy of the spiced wine. ' Stay me with flagons, 
 comfort me with apples; for I am sick of love.'" 
 Then he caused a minister to pray. 
 
 Afterwards, to a minister that came in he said, 
 "I am ' come to Jesus, the Mediator of the new 
 covenant ;' I will be among the blessed company that 
 stand by; I will be with that assembly above, where 
 * the Lamb in the midst of the throne' has the pre- 
 cedency : and how I wait for his salvation ; glory to 
 him. 'What shall I render to God? Let us 
 exalt his name together;' he has done wonderful 
 things for me. I have been many a day afraid how 
 
 1 should get through the valley and shadow of 
 death." One said, " It is a mercy, Sir, the Lord 
 has taken away the fear of death, before death come." 
 He answered, " O there is much in this, he has 
 wrought us for the self-same thing ! Since I was 
 laid down here, the Lord has carried on a work of 
 sanctification deep in my soul, that makes nie meet 
 for heaven." 
 
 After prayer by some of the ministers, it was 
 asked at him, " Find you any more ease ?" He 
 answered, "Yea, I found ease in the time of prayer." 
 Then he said, " I long to launch out in. his praise, 
 it is an ocean. If I come not to be like an angel of 
 God, yet the weak Mill be like David, the sweet 
 singer of Israel. O be encouraged to follow the 
 Lord, every one of you, Sirs !" 
 
345 
 
 Then to one of the elders of the parish he said, 
 " James, you are an old man, and I am dying ; yet 
 1 am dying old, old and satisfied with days; the 
 child is going to die a hundred years old. I am like 
 a shock of corn fully ripe. I have ripened fast, hut, 
 O ! I have been under a bright sun, a day when 
 the Sun of Righteousness shines, and I have fine 
 showers." 
 
 After a little silence, he said, " I have been 
 sleeping, and I have awakened refreshed ; and now 
 what shall I say ? I can say no more to commend 
 the Lord, not for want of what to say, but for want 
 of words with which to express it. Well, Sirs, ye 
 will meet with difficulties and discouragements ; but 
 this may encourage you, you see God owns his ser- 
 vants ; and should not his servants own him, and re- 
 joice in him, and despise what enemies can do, when 
 the Master does so much for them ? God has main- 
 tained my understanding, and my judgment, for the 
 most important piece of work that ever I had. Bless- 
 ed he God, my head and my heart are so sound. 
 Though many a time a vain heart wandered, and 
 carried me down the stream, yet I may say, the 
 habitually determined desires of my soul, from the 
 day that God first ' revealed his Son in me,' run out 
 after him, and the remembrance of his name. And 
 now 1 find he meets them that rejoice, and work 
 righteousness; Glory, glory to him. O what of 
 God I see ! I never saw any thing like it. The 
 beginning and end, Sirs, of religion are wonderfully 
 sweet : ' Mark the perfect man, and behold the up- 
 right, for the latter end of that man is peace.' I 
 p3 
 
346 
 
 am not calling myself perfect ; the Lord knows I am 
 far from it; I have found corruption stirring since 
 you came in this morning." One said, " His deal- 
 ing with you has been very uncommon." He an- 
 swered, " Very uncommon indeed, if you knew all 
 that I know; yea, but therein is the glory of the 
 Lord, that he makes the weak strong; 'excellency 
 of the power' is the more remarkably seen." The 
 other replied, " There is a borrowed perfection." 
 He answered, " Yea, yea ; that is perfection ; glory 
 to him for that perfection." The other adding, 
 " And as all our righteousness comes from him, so 
 does all our strength." He said, " Yea, yea, now 
 may ye all ascribe to him the honour of his name ; 
 may ye be all engaged by this unto the Lord him- 
 self, and established in his way; the glory is his, 
 his only, and engagement of heart, as consequent to 
 the discovery, should be to him only? ' Not unto 
 us, not unto us, but unto thy name, O Lord, be the 
 glory.' O the sweetness of a Creator to a crea- 
 ture ! 
 
 Having continued his discourse for some time to 
 those about him, he said, " O this is the most ho- 
 nourable pulpit that ever I was in ! I am preach- 
 ing the same Christ, the same holiness, the same 
 happiness I did before. I have much satisfaction, 
 in that I am not ashamed of the gospel I preached; 
 I was never ashamed of it all my days : and I am 
 not ashamed of it at the last, when I am put to the 
 trial in the bed of languishing. Blessed be God, 
 we arc all agreed in that, that it is the power of God 
 to salvation." 
 
347 
 
 After that, to a minister who had come from Edin- 
 burgh he said, "Now, tell my honest friends at 
 Edinburgh, tell them what God has done for my 
 soul, and encourage them to hold on their way, they 
 are a blessed seed; and besides these, to Christian 
 acquaintances, I am very willing it should be told 
 how good God has been to me. Are we ashamed 
 of the gospel ? Will these experiences of the real- 
 ity of religion be driven out of our minds ? Here I 
 am now a man, a weak man, in hands with the king 
 of terrors, rejoicing in the hopes of the glory that is 
 to be revealed, and that by the death and resurrec- 
 tion of a despised Christ." That minister answered, 
 " Sir, I believe you know that your friends at Edin- 
 burgh will be very well satisfied, that mercy from 
 the Lord has been shown to you." He replied, 
 " All that fear God may be glad. Indeed, as 
 strength would allow, when the beginning of this 
 trouble was on me, I aimed at that, Show me a 
 token for good ; and indeed, 1 think God has shown 
 me a token for good." 
 
 Then to some present he said, " It is an evil 
 time this ; I will tell you, Sirs, it was this evil time 
 that has helped on all this ; it has weighed on my 
 spirit, the dark prospect was so uneasy. But, per- 
 haps, I took more care than I should have done. 
 We trust God too little. I sought my judgment, 
 and he has continued my judgment." Then he 
 desired a minister to pray, and said, " O let us 
 exalt his name. ' Truly the lines are fallen in plea- 
 sant places, and I have gotten a goodly heritage.' 
 Now pray : but be short, because I find a great al- 
 
348 
 
 teration on my body; and praise him, O praise him, 
 ' praise is comely.' " 
 
 After prayer, he said, " Christ is exalted ; death 
 is not terrible, death is unstinged ; the curse of the 
 fiery law is done away." 
 
 To a gentlewoman he said, " I long for his sal- 
 vation ; I bless his name I have found him ; I am 
 taken up in blessing him; I am dying rejoicing in 
 the Lord : well, I long to be in the promised land." 
 
 He, apprehending himself to be very low, said, 
 " Here I die : Lord Jesus, receive my spirit : come, 
 sweet Lord Jesus, receive this spirit fluttering within 
 my breast like a bird to be out of a snare. When 
 will I hear him say, ' Arise, my love, my fan one, 
 and come away; the winter is past, the rain is over 
 and gone ?' &c. Come, sweet Lord Jesus, come, 
 and take me by the hand, that I stumble not in the 
 dark valley of death." One said, " He has been 
 pleased to set his love upon you, and he will help 
 you through in this last conflict ; for his word is still 
 the same : ' I will never, never leave, nor forsake 
 you ;' 'he is able to save to the uttermost.' " He 
 answered, " I know that." 
 
 A little after, the other said, " We have, brother, 
 such a view of his love and glory that shall be re- 
 vealed, that shall excite to praise and thanksgiving, 
 that will be the eternal song of the redeemed. You 
 are beginning that song now." He answered, " Ay, 
 ay, blessed be his name." 
 
 Then he prayed, and said, "Pity me, and 'let 
 me depart in peace ; for mine eyes have seen thy sal- 
 vation.' " 
 
349 
 
 When a minister said, " Do you desire one of us 
 to pray ?" He answered, " Yea, yea, pray that I 
 may get comfortably over." One said, " He has 
 need of some refreshment." He answered, " I have 
 meat to eat. Pray," said he, "that like a good 
 soldier, I may strike the last stroke." 
 
 After that he said, " I wait for thy salvation." 
 How long ? come, sweet Lord Jesus : O ! come, 
 sweet Lord Jesus, take me by the hand." Then 
 he caused a minister to pray, and said, " Pray, pray, 
 and praise." 
 
 After that, he said, " Come, Lord Jesus ; I have 
 waited for thy salvation. I wait for thy salvation, 
 as the watchman watch eth for the morning-. I am 
 weary with delay. I faint for thy salvation. Why 
 are his chariot-wheels so long a-coming? He is 
 trying my patience, he is trying my patience. "O 
 what means he to stay so long ? I am like to faint 
 with delay." 
 
 Then having revived a little, he said, " Draw the 
 curtains about me, and let me see what he has a mind 
 to do with me." This done, after silence for some- 
 time, he said, " Whence is this to me? There is 
 a strange change within this half-hour. Ah !" said 
 he, " I am like to be restored to health again : I am 
 afraid for it, and tremble at this. O what sort of 
 providence is this ? I was in hopes to have been at 
 the end of my voyage : and now I am detained with 
 a cross wind. I desire to be patient under his hand ; 
 but he must open my heart to glorify him." Then 
 he said, " Pray for me, pray for me, that none that 
 fear him may be ashamed on my account." 
 
350 
 
 After that he said, " I have loved the hahitation 
 of thy house, and the place where thy honour dwells. 
 — Thou that knowest all things knowest that I love 
 thee, Lord, I may not want thee." 
 
 Then to the ministers he said, " Brethren, go 
 and pray to the Lord for me." One said, " Brother, 
 I am not disappointed in that reviving you got. The 
 Lord calls for submission to his will; he does all 
 things well ; he has given you wonderful assistance 
 hitherto." He answered, " I find corruption vigorous 
 and strong, so that I have no reason to quit my post, 
 no not for half an hour." 
 
 Afterwards he said, " O that I could bless the 
 Lord ; such a wonder of mercy as I have been made !" 
 When he was breathing forth a passionate longing 
 after his dissolution, one said to him, "You have 
 reason to account God's goodness to you very sur- 
 prising, since now these three days past you have 
 had so much of sensible comfort, without interrup- 
 tion, and some of the greatest men in the Church of 
 Scotland have been sore and long vexed with deser- 
 tion, and have not had at deatli the half of your con- 
 solation, have not got the half of these manifestations 
 that you have had." He answered, ft His loving- 
 kindness is indeed marvellous to me ; * What am I, 
 O what am I, that he has brought me hitherto !' 
 What 1 have is not a vivid and very sensible joy ; 
 yet I bless, I bless his name, I am much composed, 
 and have solid clear scriptural manifestations of God, 
 and the things of God." 
 
 To the apothecary he said, " I thought to have 
 been away, and I am come back again : I am glad 
 
351 
 
 to be gone, not that I am wearied : He has not 
 allowed a fretting thought to vex me. O, I am a 
 monument, a monument of the power of God ! My 
 trouble is great, but I am helped to bear it : and in 
 so far, T am a martyr, as well as a witness. My 
 great desire has been, for many years, to suffer for 
 the truth of our religion; and now God has given 
 me the greatest honour, to be a living witness to it, 
 and a monument of it, that we 'have not followed 
 cunningly devised fables.' I will be in heaven 
 shortly; I will come there by the word of my testi- 
 mony, and the blood of the Lamb. All is of grace ; 
 he has chosen me, called me, justified me, and sanc- 
 tified me, by his grace : ' He gives grace and glory ;' 
 these are precious gifts." 
 
 Then he said to the ministers, after many apolo- 
 gies, that he, as a dying man, begged them to re- 
 quest of the ensuing synod, that they would keep up 
 brotherly love, the unity of the Spirit in the bond of 
 peace, and with the utmost care avoid divisive mea- 
 sures, whatever temptations they might be under to 
 them. "I am concerned," said he, " as long as I 
 am in life, for the church ; I even pity you : O let 
 all of us abide by him ! O that the ministry of 
 Scotland may be kept from destroying the kirk of 
 Scotland ! O that I could obtain it of them with 
 tears of blood, to be concerned for the church ! 
 Shall we be drawn away from the precious gospel, 
 and from Christ?" 
 
 To one of the students he said, " If I had you, 
 lads, all about me now, I would give you a lesson of 
 divinity: however, this will be a standing witness 
 
352 
 
 of the reality, solidity, power, and efficacy of those 
 truths, I taught you; for, by the power of that 
 grace revealed in those truths, here I lie pained with- 
 out pain, without strength and yet strong. I think 
 it would not be a lost session this, though you were 
 all here." 
 
 To a citizen he said, " Sir, I am a monument of 
 the great goodness of God : there are but a few 
 names in this place that set their faces heaven-ward ; 
 be encouraged to go on. The Lord bless you and 
 your family; you have been a kind neighbour." 
 Then he said, " They ' that are planted in the 
 house of the Lord, shall flourish in the courts of our 
 God.' I am planted in the house of God ; here is 
 an evidence of it, I am but young, and yet ' the 
 child is going to die an hundred years old.' In 
 winter last, I thought I was going to be cast as a 
 withered branch over the wall; and now the dead 
 stock, that was cut, has budded again, and grown a 
 tall cedar in Lebanon." 
 
 After a pause, he said, " My body complains of 
 pain, but I complain of none. I was never more 
 myself all my life, than in this sickness ; I was never 
 more indebted to grace. Ah ! I mistook myself, 
 O cursed self! I would have been too easily let 
 away without all this suffering, and yet I am wasting 
 away to heaven; I thought to get away with this 
 rubbish; but my God sees meet to purge me of all 
 my dross ; he is keeping me, and he will have me as 
 ' gold purified seven times,' ere I go hence; and I 
 will be well purged, and get fair clean garments, 
 washed, and 'made white in the blood of the Lamb;' 
 
353 
 
 and the enemy that accused Joshua, the high-priest, 
 dare not accuse me for filthy garments: Yet not 
 unto us, not unto us ; O there is a beauty there ! 
 Would you have a mark of a true Christian ? here 
 it is, to strike at the bearing down of self in all its 
 most subtile actings. I am full of sores," said he, 
 " but all my bones shall praise him." 
 
 Then he pressed the ministers to discourse to 
 him, and said, " I desire to hear the word read, the 
 word preached. Many times, when I thought on 
 the worthies that lived in the days of old, I said, I 
 was as one born out of due time ; but now I think I 
 am born in the due time, for I shall see Jesus, O sweet 
 Jesus, that delivers from the wrath to come ! I will 
 see Elijah and Moses, the great Old Testament 
 prophets; I will see the two great Mediators, the 
 type and the antitype. The three disciples got a 
 sweet and fdorious sight of Christ in his transnmira- 
 tion ; this was indeed an edifying and confirming 
 sight, allowed to the disciples for strengthening their 
 faith against the objections of the unbelieving Jews, 
 and the staggering trials they were shortly to meet 
 with. Was he despised as a mean and mere man, 
 and his Godhead disowned? Lo ! here he appears 
 in divine majesty and glory. Did they say that he 
 was against the law ? Lo ! here Moses, by whom 
 the law was given paying respect unto him. Did 
 they say that he was not the promised Messiah fore- 
 told by the prophets ? Lo ! here Elijah, the great- 
 est zealot among the Old Testament prophets, own- 
 ing and honouring him. Was he reproached as a 
 deceiver of the people ? Lo ! the voice from heaven 
 
354 
 
 saith, i This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well 
 pleased, hear ye him.' Yet this sight was of short 
 continuance, and terrible while it lasted. But in 
 heaven we shall have a more glorious and abiding 
 sight, we shall behold i his glory, we shall be made 
 like unto him, for we shall see him as he is : Lo ! 
 this is our God, and we have waited for him !' 
 When his people are in trouble, the wicked say, 
 Where is your God; but wait the issue, till their 
 deliverance come, and then they can say, Lo ! this 
 is our God. O, said he, I am full of matter, I 
 know not where to begin or end : the Spirit of the 
 Lord has been mighty with me : O the book of God 
 is a solemn thing ! It is written within and without ! 
 I never studied it to the half of what I should ; but 
 God has given me much of it together. Never was 
 I more uneasy in my life, and yet I was never more 
 easy; all my bones are like to break, they stick 
 through my skin, a hand is a burden to me, my 
 mouth is a burden, and yet all easy : * Not unto us, 
 not unto us.' O there is a beauty there !" 
 
 Then to his wife, he said, " O my sweet bird, are 
 you there ? I am no more thine ; I am the Lord's. 
 1 remember, on the day I took you by the hand, I 
 thought on parting with you ; but I wist not how to 
 get my heart off you again, but now I have got it 
 done. Will not you give me to the Lord, my dear?" 
 Then, seeing her very sad, he said, " My dear, do 
 not weep, you should rather rejoice : rejoice with 
 me, and let us exalt his name together — I will be 
 in the same family with you — you must even stay a 
 while behind, and take care of God's children." 
 
355 
 
 In the night-time, he said, " Ah ! St. An- 
 drews, 1 am afraid it is coming to that with it, 
 that the power of religion will wear quite out 
 among professors in St. Andrews, and that they 
 will not seek after the influences of the Spirit in 
 ordinances." 
 
 When wakened out of sleep, he said, " I am ly- 
 ing pleasantly, and waiting patiently till he finish and 
 perfect what concerns me. God is with me still, 
 and he will be with me : I will be cold within a ut- 
 ile, and I long for it, I long for my dissolution. 
 O who would not lie in this state, till they be 
 all wasted away !" One said, " You will be sore 
 lying." He answered, H I have no sores, he has 
 bound up all my wounds. < The gods that the 
 blinded nations fear are but lying vanities, but the 
 God of Israel, the Portion of Israel, is not like 
 them.' I am now in the hands of the king of ter- 
 rors, and within a little I will be out of them : I am 
 now hand in hand to grapple with the last enemy, 
 and I find it is a conquerable enemy ! I am ' more 
 than a conqueror.' " One said, " A strange cham- 
 pion indeed !" He answered, " I ! Not I, but the 
 grace of God in me ; ' by the grace of God I am 
 what I am.' The God of peace hath bruised Sa- 
 tan under my feet. Ye see affliction is no mark 
 of God's displeasure: I often wondered how the 
 martyrs could clap their hands in the fire ; I do not 
 wonder at it now : I could clap my hands, though 
 you would hold burning candles about them : and 
 think it no hardship, though the flames were going 
 round about them ; and yet 1 would cry, and not be 
 
356 
 
 able to bear it, if ye would but touch my toe, if the 
 Lord withdrew his presence." 
 
 Then he said to one, after a shock he had, " Find 
 you any alteration in my pulse with this ?" " No, 
 it is as vigorous as yesterday." " Well," said he, 
 " I will wait cheerfully." One said, " You are well 
 hired to it, as ye used to say yourself." He an- 
 swered, " I am so. I will wait till I be all wasted 
 away ; but my tongue is my glory, to i render the 
 calves of my lips.' God has given me my head and 
 my tongue to praise his name. I lost my spirits : 
 God has given me my spirits again." 
 
 September 21. About three in the morning, he 
 said, " And is it the Sabbath, then ? My pleasant 
 George on a Sabbath night went into his rest. I 
 bestowed him on my God. Blessed be his name, 
 he made me content. I would even have given him 
 all my children that way, and I hope it shall be so ; 
 blessed be his name." 
 
 After a little pause, he said, " Shall I forget 
 Zion ? nay, let ' my right hand forget her cun- 
 ning, if I prefer not Jerusalem to my chiefest joy.' 
 O, to have God returning to this church, and his 
 work going on in the world : if every drop of my 
 blood, every part of my body, every hair of my 
 head, were all men, they should go to the fire to 
 have this going on." 
 
 And after that, to some he said, " O Sirs ! I 
 could not believe that I could have borne, and borne 
 cheerfully, this rod so long; this is as a miracle, 
 pain without pain ; and this is not a fancy of a man 
 disordered in his brain, but of one lying in full com- 
 
357 
 
 posure. O blessed be God that ever I was born ! 
 I have a father, a mother, and ten brethren and sis- 
 ters in heaven, and I shall be the eleventh. O 
 blessed be the day that ever I was born ! O if I 
 were where he is ! and yet, for all this, God's with- 
 drawing himself from me would make me as weak as 
 water. All this I enjoy, though it be miracle upon 
 miracle, would not make me stand without new sup- 
 plies from God. The thing I rejoice in is, that it 
 is altogether full, and that in the Mediator Christ 
 Jesus, there is all the fulness of the Godhead, and 
 it will never run out." 
 
 After some time's silence, some having heard him 
 groaning, he said, " It is not for pain I am groan- 
 ing, but for the poor kirk of Scotland, and fur 
 the cup of indignation in the Lord's hand that is 
 going about. I have been days, weeks, and months, 
 in terror, thinking what I would do in the days of 
 pestilence : but now I see in him there is safety, and 
 that an invisible God can keep from a visible stroke ; 
 but, O it is a strange thing to consider how an un- 
 believing heart could not trust him ! but now I am 
 kept ' in perfect peace. The name of the Lord is 
 a strong tower; here is a strong tower. And he 
 that dwells under the shadow of the Most High, 
 shall abide, and not be afraid.' O the book of God, 
 Sirs, is a rich treasure, a sweet book ; make all much 
 use of your Bibles." 
 
 Then to his wife he said, " O wait upon him, for 
 he is a good God to his own, and he never takes any 
 thing from them, but he gives them as good, and 
 better, back again : you will get himself. My dear, 
 
358 
 
 we have had many a sweet day together; we must 
 part for a while, but we will meet again, and shall 
 have one work in the praises of God, in the praises 
 of the Lamb. O how wonderful is it ! and let my 
 soul wonder. O ! to get a discovery of him, eye 
 to eye ! it is so much enlivening. < It is life eter- 
 nal to know the living God, and Jesus Christ.' I 
 will not say with Job, i When it is morning, when 
 will it be evening?' no, I dare not say it. It will be 
 but a little while, and I will get rest." 
 
 Then to some present he said, " Do ye think 
 that he will come and receive the ' prisoner of hope' 
 this day? Whether he do or not, holy and righ- 
 teous is he ; but I confess I long for it. This is 
 vastly more that I am bearing, than many deaths, 
 and yet the Lord bears me up sweetly with his 
 power. Were it not the power of grace, nature 
 would distract, under what I have upon me even 
 now; but the Lord upholds me. I do not weary; 
 but the hireling longs for his wages. He seems, in 
 his adorable wisdom, to try me further, and holy and 
 reverend is his name; he is not wanting to me." One 
 said, " Well, that is enough, if he is now giving you 
 a heavy burden to bear, he gives you such remark- 
 able support." He said, " I desire only grace to 
 ' be faithful to the death' unto the Lord Jesus, unto 
 my God, until I come to the land of praises, even 
 to Jerusalem's gates, to pay thanks to the name of 
 the God of Jacob." One said, " You have his 
 promise for sustaining you to the end, and he cannot 
 fail in performing it. I hear the defluxion has 
 been uneasy to you last night." He answered, " Yea, 
 
359 
 
 yea; but O keep me from impatience, or charging 
 my God foolishly." One said, " It is weak faith 
 that cannot believe, when it has such a support of 
 sensible comfort as you have." He answered, " The 
 hundredth part of this trouble would have put me 
 into distraction, if the Lord had not sustained me. 
 This is his day, it is his holy rest. I long for the 
 rest; I long for this desirable rest." One said, 
 " Well, you have reached a will submissive to his." 
 He answered, " It takes a great deal of hammer- 
 ing to polish us, and make us meet for the inherit- 
 ance of the saints in light." 
 
 To his son he said, " My dear David, I am lying 
 here, finding how good God is; and I would fain 
 have my David, I would fain have you God's, and 
 acquainted with his way, that when I am dead, I 
 may live in you, and you may tell to the generation 
 not born, how good God is. O man ! if I had you 
 a seeker of God, I would think myself happy in it." 
 Then a minister asked if he should pray : he an- 
 swered, " Yea, yea, pray for me." 
 
 After prayer, he said, " This night my skin has 
 burnt, my heart has panted, my body has been bruis- 
 ed on the bed with weakness, and there is a sore upon 
 me that is racking my spirit, and my heart has been 
 sometimes like to fail; and yet I cannot say but the 
 Lord, after all this trouble, holds me in health in 
 the midst of all. If the Lord should give such sup- 
 port, and continue me years in this case, I have no 
 reason to complain." One said, " No hypocrite is 
 able to counterfeit that language in such a case as 
 you are in." He answered, " It is as great a won- 
 
369 
 
 der to me, as to any about me. Brother, I knoAv 
 not whether I may not desire you to beg of the Lord, 
 with respect to this poor body, even to pity, and to 
 shorten my trial, if it be his will ; the hireling longs 
 for his wages ; but I have reason to do it with sub- 
 mission." 
 
 Thereafter he said, " My body has got such a 
 hurt, that I believe I will scarce recover it ; and 
 that is the thing that keeps all my body in a fire. 
 The panting for want of breath is over; but O 
 it is the mercy of God that keeps me composed. 
 This trouble of my bowels draws my stomach all 
 together, as if it were with cords; and yet I must 
 say, c What am I, and what is my father's house, 
 that God has brought me hither!'" One said, 
 " You have resigned yourself to his will and plea- 
 sure ; and he will strengthen you with patience ; he 
 gives strength for the burden." He answered, 
 " He has done it hitherto, I have a heart warm to 
 God, and I have a carnal heart too." One said, 
 " Corruption will remain while in the body." He 
 answered, " But I long to be away, to get a deliver- 
 ance." One said, " In due time that will come." 
 Then he said, " I am lying here, and the Lord 
 helps me to wait for that consolation that is in 
 Christ, that will fill me with admiration to eternity ; 
 but I have already the pleasant peaceable fruits of 
 righteousness, and sweet composure. I had what 
 was worse than a thousand deaths, and he has held 
 me by the hand." 
 
 To the ministers he said, " The Lord has been 
 still with me. I am carnal, but I long for a de- 
 
361 
 
 liverance from the remainders of a body of sin. I 
 long for a deliverance from this trouble; if God 
 lengthen it out, if he gives more troubles, then why 
 not ? righteous is his name. I know not what al- 
 teration may be. I long indeed for that everlasting 
 rest ; and I confess I am like a bird on the wing, and 
 I would fain be at Immanuel's land, where the tree 
 of life is. Well, all this is encouragement to you 
 to acquaint yourself with God; you see religion is 
 advantageous, ' great is the gain of godliness.' All 
 these soft clothes are like sacking about me; and yet 
 I have perfect ease of spirit. My breast is drawing 
 together, as sore as it were with cords; and still 
 the Lord keeps me in composure. What is this ! 
 I could have scarce believed, though I had been 
 told it, that 1 could have been kept in the right 
 exercise of my judgment under this racking pain. 
 The drawing of the breast seems to me to be, as if I 
 were all hung together, all pulled together : so that 
 I would make that improvement, whatever come of 
 it, I am sure 1 am a demonstration, that there is a 
 reality in religion ; and I rejoice in this, that God 
 has honoured a sinful worm, so as to be a demon- 
 stration of his grace. I am preaching the gospel, 
 I have a dispensation committed tome: shame be- 
 longs to me ; I am a sinner, the praise of all belongs 
 to him — ' worthy is the Lamb to receive glory.' I 
 hope I shall shortly be at that glory, I have been long 
 expecting it : though I come not near Mr. Shield's 
 glory, nor Mr. Anderson's ; only, O if I were in 
 heaven ! I will be well enough when I get in. Dear 
 friends about me, take the commendation of my hand; 
 
 a ll 
 
362 
 
 while I live, I must preach the gospel. He has 
 yet given me time here, that I should still commend 
 him. The word speaks, providence speaks in me; 
 and if there be a despising of the gospel under this 
 new discovery, take heed, it will still make it the 
 worse with you. Glory to him that ever he re- 
 vealed himself in me ! he is free in his love. I was 
 wallowing in my blood: but he passed by, and cast 
 his skirt over me." 
 
 To two ministers that tarried with him when the 
 rest went to the church, he said, " I would desire a 
 word read, and prayer ; and if my head could endure, 
 I would fain hear singing. I do not now find any 
 change, but there may be; and I am the less con- 
 cerned, because the Lord in some measure has taken 
 away that inclination to limit him as to the hour; 
 though you may be sure the hireling longs for his 
 wag-es." He caused them to read Psalm lxxxiv. and 
 sing the latter part of it, and pray. And after 
 prayer, he having joined in singing, said, " I had al- 
 ways a mistuned voice, a bad ear; but, which is 
 worst of all, a mistuned heart; but shortly, when I 
 join the temple-service above, there shall not be, 
 world without end, one string of the affections out 
 of tune." And after that, he caused one of the 
 ministers to read to him what Dr. Owen had said of 
 this temple-service above, in his book on the Per- 
 son of Christ. Often this day did he bless God he 
 had been helped to give such a testimony to God's 
 ways. 
 
 To some that came from church, he said, " You 
 have been in the assembly of God's people, the de- 
 
'Sb'S 
 
 sirable assembly wherein communion and fellow- 
 ship with the Father and Son may be attained; and 
 all these enjoyments are among the most valuable to 
 be had here, and they are the way to our rest, which 
 remains for the people of God : but, O ! to be joined 
 with the company above. How amiable are thy 
 tabernacles, even here ! but more so above, where 
 there is the eagle's eye, that can see a glorious light, 
 even the light of the Lord. Now, our faith, even 
 at its highest elevation here, when it looks to these 
 things, they are so great, that we pass from our 
 compeerance, we are not able to behold them. Now, 
 I hope in God ; and blessed be his name, though I 
 was once well near the saying, ' My hope, my 
 strength, is perished from the Lord,' yet the Lord 
 rebuked that. My unbelief was very impudent in 
 urging suggestions. A shadow of a difficulty will 
 frighten and overthrow me. I am nothing, less 
 than nothing, a vile sinner; but mercy does all, I 
 bless his name ; and he himself has said it, and done 
 it ; and now I am lying his debtor, not able to pay a 
 mite of it." 
 
 Then to the ministers he said, " Now I would 
 fain hear, Sirs, hear of the gospel, hear of Christ." 
 On which the ministers present discoursed a while 
 on the promises of God, the faith and experience of 
 the saints in former times. " The Lord," said he, 
 " has indeed dealt wonderfully with me ; he has 
 taken me out of * the miry clay, and set my feet on 
 a rock;' he has come in the watches of the night, 
 and calmed the waves of the raging sea. I expected 
 no smile when I took this trouble ; and many a timp 
 22 
 
364 
 
 I have been this winter at saying, I am like to be a 
 branch that is withered, and cast over the hedge. I 
 brought all this difficulty on myself; and I thought, 
 if I could get away creeping with terror, to be plunged 
 into eternity with a peradventure, it was fair. { Praise 
 is comely :' I am one of the chief of sinners, yet very 
 kindly dealt with : ( whence is this to me !' " 
 
 At night, he said, " There will be a change." 
 One said, " Yea, no doubt of that ; your defluxion 
 is already dried up." He said, " I take shiverings, 
 but I am hopeful it is my deliverance coming, un- 
 der the conduct of the great Captain of salvation. 
 I'll shake hands with the king of terrors ; though one 
 fit of sickness would but take away my tongue, ano- 
 ther my ear, another my throat, I will be content." 
 One said, " That is a mercy." He said, " Yea, 
 yea, the troubled sea, a mind fretting, rising up in 
 rebellion against God, is uneasy. I bless him I 
 obtained that mercy in the violence of my trouble ; 
 he kept me from daring to entertain a harsh thought 
 of him, he held me by the hand : and I see now 
 what corruption is, even when under the most of 
 God and his goodness : I have been kept under a 
 continual fear of my ill heart. These are the two 
 worst enemies I have, self, with its fair shows, secret 
 insinuations, and unbelief, struggling hard against 
 me. It is a mercy he gives me now and then, when 
 I am able to speak, leave to follow the old employ- 
 ment, to preach and to commend Christ : I think he 
 has given mo good cause. Sometimes I find it 
 safer for my body and head, to hear others speak- 
 ing." 
 
365 
 
 After lie had lain quiet a little, to his wife he 
 said, " O my dear, I was just praying for you and 
 your children, and commending you to your God, 
 and my God, to our father's God." Being much 
 troubled with the cough, he said, " There are no 
 coughs in heaven." 
 
 In the night-time, he caused read the songs of 
 degrees, and said, " They were so called by some, 
 because they were sung on the steps of the stair that 
 led up to the temple : and," said he, " what meeter 
 to be read to a poor sinner, that aims at climbing up 
 the hill of God, where the temple of God is. Un- 
 der the Old Testament, it was only the high-priest 
 that was to enter within the most holy place, and 
 that once a-year, and not without blood; but now 
 there is a way opened into the holiest of all for every 
 believer." 
 
 One said, " I thought, Sir, you was expressing 
 your fears respecting the times." He answered, 
 " Yes, indeed ; I am no prophet, I am not posi- 
 tive on the head ; but. I greatly fear a heavy stroke 
 is coming on this land, I fear the plague of God 
 is coming on Scotland." One said, " The pesti- 
 lence, Sir, do you mean ?" He said, " Yes, in- 
 deed, and a bloody sword also. Nay, it is what I 
 feared these several years, and I abide by it, I am 
 of the same mind still ; and I do not see what way 
 it is avoidable without a miracle ; and a miracle I do 
 not expect : but seek to be established in the truth. 
 These are like to be trying times." 
 
 September 22. At half-past one, he asked what 
 hour it was, and said, " Early in the morning — my 
 
366 
 
 friends should be acquainted, because I do expect 
 this cough will hasten the deliverance; the Lord 
 can do it speedily, but in the mean time he will give 
 me rest, rest with himself. What needs a poor 
 creature, that hath a prospect of such a rest, weary 
 of outward trouble ? I am lying very composedly, 
 glory to his name ! I hope I am going to the land 
 where there is a calm." One said, " You have no 
 reason to doubt of that." He said, " No, no." 
 
 Then he renewed his discourse on the state of 
 the church, and said, " Zion has been much upon 
 my heart ; I have had much trouble about the poor 
 kirk of Scotland; O what will come of it, and the 
 town of St. Andrews !" Then he expressed his fears 
 of a stroke coming on all the churches, that God 
 was about to give them a terrible shake. One 
 said, « If so, I would fain hope it may be Anti- 
 christ's last stroke. He answered, " Perhaps it 
 may be so." He spoke of Mr. Hooker's Denun- 
 ciation of Wrath against England, which is men- 
 tioned in the History of New England. " And," 
 said he, " we are going to unite with the sins of 
 France ; what ground of fear may this be ? I fear 
 persecution by the Popish party." One said, 
 " However, it is the more hopeful, that the re- 
 formed churches are likely to be joined with us in 
 the trial." He answered, " But I am very appre- 
 hensive God is about to sift the reformed churches 
 indeed. Well, well," said he, " I will get out of 
 the dark cloud ; within a little, I will be in Abra- 
 ham's bosom ; vea, in the bosom of him that ' carries 
 the lambs in his bosom ;' and I am sure of goodness 
 
367 
 
 and mercy in great store, even all that is laid up for 
 his people, to follow me. O he is good to a poor 
 worm, ' the chief of sinners !' ' O ! let us exalt his 
 name together ;' it is the constant employment of all 
 ahove, ' they cease not day nor night,' they see and 
 sing, they have a clear vision. O if I saw his lovely 
 face, that is ' fairer than the sons of men,' yea, that 
 is beyond the sun at noon-day ! O to be where 
 there is no sin ! How sweet has even this bed 
 been, though sin remains, and my trouble is great ! 
 vet I have been composed in the midst of my trouble. 
 He can give heaven in the worst of cases. What 
 shall I say ? How shall 1 conceal his goodness ?" 
 
 Thinking on the students of divinity, who were 
 then separate in time of vacation, he dictated a let- 
 ter, to be communicated to them at their next 
 meeting ; a copy of which follows. 
 
 " Dearly Beloved in our Lord, my joy and hope, 
 and the hope, shall I say, of the Kirk of Scot- 
 land. 
 
 " You are devoted to the study of the gospel, 
 for preserving a seed to serve the Lord in the 
 kirk of Scotland, in order to the continuance of 
 the gospel with the rising generation. A prospect 
 this is of the highest concern, the most honourable 
 service you can ever be employed in. In this study, 
 weakly as I could, I endeavoured to assist you, 'ac- 
 cording to the measure of the gift of Christ,' in 
 public, in private, to the utmost that a fading body 
 would allow, and beyond ; yet with much pleasure 
 and satisfaction, in hopes that the Lord one day 
 
368 
 
 might make my weak labours, and your vigorous 
 studies, through his blessing, useful in the church 
 of God, a blessing to posterity, and a high honour 
 to yourself. Want of health allowed me not what 
 was in my heart to have done for your assistance 
 and encouragement. And now I have no more left 
 me, but to give a sincere testimony of my entire 
 affection for you, and that I have really the yearn- 
 ings of a parent's bowels towards you, by signifying 
 in this short letter, when upon a death-bed, and near 
 the confines of eternity, that you may vigorously ply 
 that study, and rest not short of saving acquaintance 
 with the power of divine truth, and experimental 
 knowledge of the mystery of God and of Christ, 
 diligently using all means that the ' word of God 
 may dwell in you richly,' and that you may have 
 treasures furnished richly with things new and old, 
 and that ye may prove one day able ministers of the 
 New Testament. But rest not, for the Lord's sake, 
 and for your own soul's sake, in the bare fruits of 
 your own study ; but seek to be taught of God, that 
 you may at once ' grow in grace, and in the know- 
 ledge of God.' Beware of curiosities and novelties 
 in religion ; adhere, as you will be answerable, unto 
 the doctrine of the Church of Scotland, sincerely 
 taught by your worthy and judicious master, whom 
 ye are happy in, if you know your own mercy, and 
 have grace given you to improve it. This is a time 
 of abounding errors; beware of drinking them in, 
 beware of an assuming boldness in the matters of 
 God. ' The fear of the Lord is the beginning of 
 wisdom. What man fears God, God will teach 
 
369 
 
 him the secret of his covenant.' I have not time 
 nor strength, being by the Lord's hand cut short, 
 to write my mind distinctly to you ; but since I am 
 now very near eternity, loaded with the riches of 
 God's goodness, I could not but by this letter sig- 
 nify my sincere desire, that you may be nourished 
 up in the words of truth, and that you mav use 
 wholesome food, and be kept from poison. I re- 
 commend to you, among human writings, for a true 
 view of the mystery of the gospel, those especially of 
 the great Dr. Owen ; but the word of God, in de- 
 pendence upon the Spirit of God, must be your 
 study and meditation day and night. Words can- 
 not express what I have found of God, since I came 
 to this bed of languishing, what advantage I have 
 found of having aimed at following that God, that 
 truth, that gospel, which I recommend to you ; and 
 therefore am bold to recommend to you this as the 
 most noble, honourable, advantageous work in which 
 you can be employed ; and I am this day sure, from 
 experience, that it is better to serve the Lord in the 
 gospel of his Son, than to serve the greatest princes 
 on earth in the highest station. If God help you 
 in this service to be faithful, the reward is too great 
 to be expressed. My thoughts, my words are swal- 
 lowed up, and my affection towards you is such, that 
 my body would quite sink to speak what is on my 
 heart of love to you, and desire to have you ac- 
 quainted with my dearest Lord, to whom I always 
 was deeply obliged, but now am so much indebted, 
 that 1 fear to mention how good he has been to my 
 soul. O choose him, cleave to him, serve him, study 
 Q3 
 
370 
 
 to know more and more of him, live in communion 
 with him ! Never rest till you reach eternal commu- 
 nion with him. This is all from your dying master. 
 I have desired my brother-in-law to sign this in my 
 name. A death-bed will excuse confusion. I wish 
 nothing more than that, after you have done much 
 service to the church here, I may have the happiness 
 to hear you approven of by the great Shepherd of 
 the sheep. 
 
 "Tho. Halyburton." 
 
 To a minister, he said, I "think, brother, my 
 case is a pretty fair demonstration of the immortality 
 of the soul." One said, " Your case may be con- 
 founding to atheists." Then he said, " Glory, 
 glory for support, continued support, to the chief of 
 sinners ! O that I could sing forth his praise ! In- 
 deed I am patient, yet 'not I, but the grace of God 
 in me.' ' Not I,' should always be at hand. Cursed 
 self, cursed self, that robs God of his glory. Could 
 I have believed (but I am an unbelieving person) 
 that I could have had this pleasure and patience in 
 this condition ! Once or twice, Satan was at the 
 wrangling of my faith. I wakened in a sort of car- 
 nal frame, and I thought I had lost my jewel ; but 
 now, I hope, he will stand by me to the end. If 
 eve: I was distinct in my judgment and memory in 
 my life, it was since he laid his hand on me ; glory 
 to him ; what shall I render to him ? my bones are 
 cutting through my skin; yet all my bones are 
 praising him. ' I said, I am cast out of thy sight, 
 but I will look again towards thy holy temple.' The 
 
371 
 
 enemies of the gospel in St. Andrews, shall have this 
 among other things to answer for, that God has 
 taken and singled me out for a monument of his 
 mercy; but the design and upshot of it is for the 
 establishment and consolation of his own, and, I 
 hope, for the engaging of some, may be, poor young 
 things to God. Glory to the Captain of salvation, 
 i O death, where is thy sting ? O grave, where is thy 
 victory?' There is no curse of a broken law here." 
 
 To a minister that said, " How are you, Sir, to- 
 day," he answered, " I bless his name, I am post- 
 ing to eternity, to heaven." 
 
 To a gentlewoman he said, " Well, desirable 
 neighbour, 1 am dying in a way that may confirm 
 that God is good. Well, well, I am near heaven." 
 Then he fainted, and said, " This is another mes- 
 senger come for me." 
 
 When he was to take a little refreshment, in 
 asking a blessing, he used these following expres- 
 sions : " Glory to God in the highest, that there is 
 good will to men, and peace on earth ; glory that life 
 and immortality is brought to light. Help to put a 
 crown on the Mediator's head. It will be our glory 
 to eternity, to run deeper and deeper in debt. 
 Glory to God that a vile worm, ' the chief of sin- 
 ners,' is singled out to be a monument of his grace, 
 and a proclaimer of his praise ! i Who is a God 
 like unto thee ?' " &c. 
 
 After he had taken the refreshment, he said, 
 " Trust him to all eternity, credit his word. I lis- 
 tened to unbelief since 1 came to this bed, and it 
 had almost killed me; but God rebuked it. I 
 
372 
 
 sought the victory by prayer : and God has given it ; 
 he is the hearer of prayer. I have not much more 
 to do with death." 
 
 To one he said, " Another messenger comes for 
 me, a cough. O ! I am kindlv dealt with. The 
 Lord has done wonderful things. Only grace to 
 be sober to the end ; for our strength lies in him. 
 Not we, O ! this is an up-making for the residue of 
 my days. Well, thirty-eight years next December 
 25, is my age. Hezekiah said, I am cut off from 
 the 'residue of my years;' but I will not say so. 
 God is giving me this to make up the residue of my 
 years. The Lord is even wasting away my body, 
 to let me see, that my spirit can live without it. I 
 will not weary, through his grace, now. Brother, 
 remember me, that the Lord may help me to honour 
 him to the end. Ay, I will be washed, and get 
 white robes, the crown on my head, and palms in 
 my hands. 
 
 " I am calling you to see a miracle, God is melting 
 me down into corruption and dust, and yet he is 
 keeping me in a calm. O ! who is like unto our 
 God ? ' Not unto us, not unto us, but to thy 
 name, O Lord, be the praise. Our light afflictions, 
 that endure but for a moment, work out for us a 
 far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory.' 
 I will get the martyr's crown, with the minister of 
 Christ's crown : and O but the martyr's crown is a 
 glorious crown ! I am now a witness for Christ, 
 for the reality of religion ; and I am suffering. ' It 
 is given unto me, not only to believe, but to suffer 
 for his name.' I sought an increase of faith from 
 
373 
 
 our Lord Jesus, and our Lord has heard me : and 
 now it is but a little, and I'll get the crown. And 
 though there be a little loathsomeness about me, yet 
 I am willing that you be spectators of it ; for it was 
 not for my sake that I met with this, but for your 
 establishment. Is there not a beauty in this pro- 
 vidence ?" 
 
 After wrestling with defluxion in his throat, he 
 said, " The Lord has sent another messenger for 
 me, to hasten me home. The other day I woidd 
 have been away without this glorious evidence of 
 the grace of God ; but this is more for my advan- 
 tage, that I am thus tried and comforted. I am 
 hastening, and I will not complain of the slow paces 
 of time. ' Why are his chariot-wheels so long 
 a-coming ?' But I will not say so any more : l Yet 
 a little while, and he that shall come, will come, and 
 will not tarry. Come here, all ye that fear the 
 Lord, and I'll tell you what he hath done for my 
 soul.' " Then he caused a minister to pray, and 
 said, " Pray that he may enable me for the last 
 stroke, so that I may be ' a conqueror, and more 
 than a conqueror.' " 
 
 To his son he said, " David, come, O seek thy 
 father's God. I am like the slave born in God's 
 house, and I, my wife, and children, are the Lord's ; 
 therefore, let your ear be bored to his door-posts, 
 and be his servant for ever : and if ye serve him, my 
 God will bless you, he will bless you for ever. 
 Come, my dear, your grandfather and grandmother 
 are in heaven. Is it not hard to die well, for them 
 that do not know God in Christ? If you knew 
 
374 
 
 the sore skin that I have, you would cry and weep ; 
 I am not weeping nor crying. How glad would I 
 be, if I knew my little stock !- David, would you 
 be a witness for God, a sufferer for the name of 
 Christ, * striving and resisting even unto blood ?' I 
 would rather have you such, than an emperor of the 
 universe, and would rejoice more in it. Were I 
 called to it, I would spend my blood, and go through 
 fire and water for it." 
 
 Then he said, " If I would say that I would 
 speak no more in the name of the Lord, it would 
 be like a fire within my breast. I was early musing 
 with myself, how I would stand the shock, and be 
 a martyr against Popery; I lay one night musing 
 about it, and slept none." 
 
 When some looked to him as if they had been 
 amazed, he said, " Why look ye steadfastly on me, 
 as if by my might or power I were so ? ' Not I, 
 but the grace of God in me;' it is the Spirit of 
 God that supports me. I am here on a death-bed, 
 going to heaven. It is but a little time, and cor- 
 ruption will be raised in incorruption." 
 
 To his daughter he said, " Margaret, I charge you 
 to seek early the God of your father; he is a wonder- 
 working God." 
 
 To his wife he said, " Be not discouraged, my 
 dear, at the unavoidable consequences of nature 
 which I was under; it is an evidence that there is 
 but a very little, and death will be swallowed up in 
 victory ; the body will be shaken into pieces. I am 
 wasting away, blessed be God ; and yet my head is 
 as composed as it was before my sickness." 
 
375 
 
 To another of his daughters he said, " Janet, O 
 seek God ! he is good, he will be a better father 
 than I am ; you are born in his house. I have not 
 a child, I have given you all to him; I leave you to 
 the abundant grace of God. I am much concerned 
 for the young generation ; I fear they shall all dis- 
 own religion together." 
 
 To a gentlewoman in the parish of Ceres, he 
 said, " Behold your dying minister ; I am hastening 
 to eternity, and hastening to heaven as fast as I can; 
 I am dying in the faith of those truths I preached 
 among you; you may remember I preached on that 
 text, ' When I heard, my belly trembled ; my lips 
 quivered at the voice : rottenness entered into my 
 bones, and I trembled in myself, that I might rest 
 in the day of trouble,' Hab. iii. 16. Then you may 
 remember, I told you that there was a rest to the 
 Lord's people even in trouble; and now I will seal 
 this rest. O ! I am well hired to all this ; I have 
 perfect composure of spirit, perfect peace without 
 any raving, or any thing that is the effect of disor- 
 der. O what wonderful power is that ! Tell my 
 parishioners that my God is blessing me, that the 
 single attempts I made at serving him in preach- 
 ing the gospel of his Son, the Lord has already 
 rewarded it to a miracle : now I find the ' gospel, 
 the power of God to salvation,' all sorts of salvation. 
 All in our religion is experimental, it will abide the 
 proof. Well, mistress, God bless you, and bless 
 your children, and make them a blessing to you ; 
 seek God, make earnest of religion. ' O what 
 shall I render to the Lord !' Blessed be God 
 
376 
 
 that he gives so honourable an occasion to com- 
 mend him." 
 
 To one of his children he said, " If you forsake 
 the God of your father, that has been so kind to 
 me, this will be a witness against you : here I am a 
 witness, that our Rock is not as their rock." 
 
 Then to some present he said, " My moisture is 
 much exhausted this night; but <the dew lies all 
 night on my branches, the dew that waits not for 
 man, now tarries for the sons of men.' O what 
 cannot grace do ! how have I formerly fretted and 
 repined at the hundredth part of the trouble I have 
 on my body now ! Here you see a man dying a 
 monument of the glorious power of admirable, aston- 
 ishing grace : and * generations to come shall call 
 me blessed.' Follow my advice, study the power 
 of religion — it is the power of religion, and not a 
 name, that will give the comfort I find. Now, 
 Sirs, here is something to be improved for a while, 
 it will cost me telling to eternity. If there be such 
 a glory in his conduct about me now, O what will 
 be in that, 'to see the Lamb in the midst of the 
 throne, to see the Lamb that was slain in the midst 
 of the throne, the Lamb that has the seven horns, 
 and the seven eyes !' I have peace in the midst of 
 pain ; and O how much of that I have had for a 
 time past ! My peace has been like a river, — not a 
 discomposed thought. There has been some little 
 suggestions since I had the great assault of my 
 enemies in one league together. I had one assault, 
 and I was like to fall; but since the Lord rebuked 
 them, there is not a discomposed thought, but a calm. 
 
377 
 
 To the ministers he said, " Brethren, bless God 
 on my behalf, and pray I may be helped. I have 
 been grappling with the king of terrors, and I find 
 he is conquerable ; I found the rattling of his drum 
 in my throat, (meaning the choking defluxion in 
 his throat) and i was not affrighted : I am melting 
 away." 
 
 To two of the students he said, " Well, lads, 
 you see your dying master confined within these 
 four posts, and by the grace of God he is what he 
 is : he is dying as one unto whom the Lord is 
 showing himself marvellously good. This is no 
 raving of a sick man: I bless God, I never had 
 my judgment more distinct in all my days ; an evi- 
 dence of the reality of religion." 
 
 To a gentlewoman he said, " You are come to 
 see your old dying friend; a wonder indeed, but a 
 wonder of mercy : I have preached from the pulpit, 
 but now I am preaching from a death-bed ; and I 
 would be content, if his sensible presence were con- 
 tinued, to speak till flesh and bones were washed and 
 wasted to nothing. Labour to get a clear view of 
 him. The God of glory appeared to me ; and the 
 first sight I got of him was such, that it won my 
 heart to him, so that it was never loosed: though 
 I have had many wanderings, yet I can say, I was 
 never myself till I got back to the centre again. 
 Follow me, take my word for it, he is a good Master, 
 ye will never repent the service ; and I am well hired 
 to it." He took a little rattle in his throat, and 
 said, " This may be irksome to you; but every 
 messenger of death is pleasant to me, and I am only 
 
378 
 
 detained here, that I may trumpet forth his praise a 
 little longer." 
 
 Ahout noon he said, " I was just thinking on 
 the pleasant spot of earth that I will get to he in, 
 beside Mr. Rutherford, Mr. Forrester, Principal 
 Anderson, &c. and I will come in as the little one 
 among them, and I will get my pleasant George in 
 my hand ; and O we will be a knot of comely dust !" 
 Then he said, " It will not be all my sore bones that 
 will make me weary yet, as long as God gives me a 
 tongue to speak, and judgment to conceive, to preach 
 his gospel." 
 
 He broke out in frequent admiration, with the 
 greatest warmness at what he felt. " Strange," 
 said he, " this body is wasting away to corruption, 
 and yet my intellects are so lively, that I cannot say 
 there is the least alteration, the least decay of judg- 
 ment or memory ; such vigorous actings of my spirit 
 toward God, and things that are not seen; but," 
 said he, " ' Not I, not I, but the grace of God in 
 me. Not unto us, not unto us ;' which still I must 
 have on my heart, since cursed self is apt to steal 
 glory from God ; here I must watch, lest the enemy 
 give me a wound." 
 
 Then to some ministers, when they came in, he 
 said, " What a demonstration has God given you 
 and me of the immortality of the soul, by the vigour 
 of my intellects, and the lively actings of my spirit 
 after God, and the things of God, now when my 
 body is low, and also pained." 
 
 At night he fell very weak, and after a sore con- 
 flict, prayer being ended, he said, " Ebcnezer." 
 
379 
 
 One said, " The Lord has helped hitherto, and he 
 will help." 
 
 Sometime thereafter he said, " Good is the will 
 of the Lord, and every one of these throws is good, 
 and I must not want one of them; I must not flee 
 from my post, but stand as a sentinel, for this is my 
 particular work : this would be a hard work without 
 Christ, but it is easy, having him the Captain of 
 salvation." 
 
 He complained of his head, but said, " In a battle 
 there must be blood and dust ; ' every battle of the 
 warrior is with confused noise, and garments rolled 
 in blood.' It is meet I should be so hard put to it, 
 that I may know to whom I owe my strength. O 
 that I were at the throne above, that my glimmering 
 sight were taken away, that this unsteady faith might 
 terminate in perfect vision." 
 
 Then looking to a minister he said, " This is 
 Gymnasium." And some who stood by asking 
 what that word meant, he said, " It was a school 
 for exercise, a place where they wrestled and fought 
 naked; and I am in agony, and wrestling with the 
 king of terrors." " But," said the minister, " you 
 will obtain the victory through the Captain of salva- 
 tion, who, you know, is able to keep what you have 
 committed to him." 
 
 When he revived, after a severe shock, he said, 
 " I am defeated;" and added, " I am shipwrecked 
 into health again." One said, " But you have still 
 a pleasant view of an end of all your pain and trou- 
 ble, in that land ' where the inhabitant shall not say 
 he is sick.' " At which he gave pleasant looks and 
 
380 
 
 smiles, and turned up his eyes and hands while he 
 was not able to speak. 
 
 One said, " ' Blessed are they that die in the 
 Lord ;' there is much that goes before, along with, 
 and after it. ' We groan in this tabernacle, being 
 burdened;' not simply that we would be dissolved, 
 but ' clothed upon with our house which is from 
 heaven.'" Then he said, " When I fall so low, 
 that I am not able to speak, I will show you a sign 
 of triumph when I am near glory, if I be able." 
 
 Then he was for a while very low, he swooned, 
 and thereafter, as prayer was ended, he revived a 
 little. One said, " Had you no trouble ?" He 
 answered, " No, I knew not where I was; I know 
 nothing about it. Yea, yea, ' he can do no ini- 
 quity.' It is meet there should be a trial. I am 
 wonderfully helped beyond the power of nature. 
 If my mouth be not wet every moment, it is hot 
 as fire." 
 
 Then he said, " The conflict is pretty long, but 
 blessed be he that gives patience. I am mightily 
 spent." One said, " Shall we pray a short word ?" 
 He answered, " Yes." 
 
 Afterwards, one said, " That tabernacle will be 
 repaired again in a more glorious manner. Our 
 vile bodies will be fashioned like unto his glorious 
 body." Then he said, " I am very well pleased 
 if the Lord take me away now. The Lord has 
 allowed me long exercise of thoughts about my 
 condition." 
 
 A little after that he said, " Lord, pity!" 
 
 Long after, being like to vomit, he said, " I am 
 
381 
 
 effectually choked." Then he said, " I desire to 
 adhere to the Lord; — but I am like to be quite 
 choked with defluxion." He had elevated looks, 
 and cried, " Pity, pity, Lord !" 
 
 To his wife he said, " My dear, be not discour- 
 aged, though I should go away in a fainting fit, 
 the Lord's way is the best way; and I am com- 
 posed." 
 
 To some others he said, " You need not be dis- 
 couraged, Sirs ; what if I should go away with a fit 
 of vomiting or fainting, it is all one. I did not 
 know whether I was up or down." 
 
 After that he said, " Though my body be suffi- 
 ciently teased, yet my spirit is untouched." 
 
 One said, " You seem to be near the crown that 
 you have been wrestling so long for." He cried 
 " Free grace, free grace, not unto me." Speaking 
 of his body, he said, " Why should it not go to 
 dust?" 
 
 One said, " You have been crying much to God, 
 that he would be with you; and I doubt not but 
 you are finding it now." He said, " Yes." One 
 said, " Now you are putting your seal to that truth, 
 that great is the gain of godliness." He answered, 
 " Yes, indeed." One said, " And I hope you are 
 encouraging yourself in the Lord." As a sign of 
 it, he lifted up his hands and clapped them, when he 
 could not speak. 
 
 Then in a little he went to the land where the 
 weary are at rest. 
 
 He spoke little the last six hours before his 
 death, only some broken sentences, which with dif- 
 
382 
 
 ficultv were understood; but urged the ministers 
 present with him to discourse to him, and often 
 cried, " Pray, pray;'' which was done by five or six 
 ministers, till he fell asleep in the Lord, which was 
 about seven in the morning, September 23, 1712. 
 
 W4. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
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