I DP BMP MMBB* m M a tjif^ r ? ''"••' £5 ^5r •^ . ro " /? 1c , « ^^ IE : i w h> CL ; 1 *£> & o ^ $ ^■■^ fc rth, perhaps he may not be in the con- dition of the others, but in a worse situation. Perhaps he is wounded in such a manner as to render him unable to receive the least support from food as his nature requires, so that in addition to his wounds he must still languish out his days by starvation in a com- mon house of miseiy. Dreadful reflection ! — Otherwise he may be denied the cove?t of a hospitable roof to shelter him from the inclemency of the weather — fallen in the wilderness or on the plain — his wounds ag- gravated by the chilling blasts of night, or by the incessant sun-beams by day. If he is capable of receiving, he may have no one to administer the least relief by bringing, him a morsel of food, or a cup of cool water, which he may eagerly crave in the last ex- piring moments. He has fallen in a distant country, remote from friends and unpitied by 51 human eye ; and shall the empty sound of honor compensate him in his extreme state of suffering ? What shall be a balm for his dreadful sensations which may accompany his tho'ts to a small spot of ground that encir- cles his wife, his children and his connex- ions and friends dwelling in a far country ? Shall titles and human dignity compensate him for these heart rending sensations, whick if possible must be more aggravating to his mind than the wounds which confine him to the fatal spot. How empty must the applause of the world sound to the poor dying man! What shall compensate the companion of his bosom for the loss of her husband ? And who shall be to his children in the place of a natural Father in all the misfortunes of life,, and protect them in a tender age from the trowns of an inconstant world ? Again : there is one fallen who was com- mander and chief of the carnaged field, but he has fallen ! and his blood is mingled with that of his horse, and with the blood of the common soldier. He has led his thousands to combat against them of his 'fellow men, who never did him nor his party a penny's worth of injury. He has led his thousands to the field of cruelty, where they were dwin- dled to a fragment in the course of a few minutes ; but perhaps he is sharing the fate of those already mentioned, or his soul may be in a world of Spirits. The question is > what must be his reward ? - 32 When I meditated on the principle of war, I viewed it as a scene of pride, of wretched- ness and misery, as diametrically opposite to every possible good, a waste to morality and virtue, the sacrifice of peace, property, health and life. Some thought I, contend for a de- fensive war. But, if a defensive war is right, then why blame the savages for their cruelty, for they are only fighting in defence of their country, as they are the rightful owners of ail the soil. But shall we not fight for liberty ? What way can a man sell his liberty soon- er than to engage in a war? What can- he possibly lose more than to lose his property his life, his health and friends. Surely if the maxim is true, that self defence is right, then let it commence at home ; let every man re- fuse to bear the sword, and no man will be injured. The more I thought on the subject, the more sensibly I was convinced that it was- wrong, and accordingly I became determin- ed in a short time to leave the army and re- tire to private life. My mind was so wrought, that I had lost in a little time all the military ambition that I ever possessed.. The honors of the world — the very thought of them be- came a burden to me. I entertained in my mind that the honor of a sceptre would be but misery for me ; I viewed rnyselfin the dust and that, as the only place that could afford me any comfort. I was not only convinced of the impropriety of war, but a sense of my 33 sins lay heavy upon me, the world had lost all its beauty, and I had lost all taste for soci- ety. I chose retirement, and frequently walk- ed! out of the camp and did not return until nine o'clock at evening. During my meditations, my mind would call to remembrance my past life which I viewed with regret. Sometimes I concluded that there could be no mercy for such a being as I was. My mind became so impressed that sleep departed from me, andl was left to meditate on my unpleasant situation. As I was at one time several nights without sleep, I thought to gain sleep by the use of opium ; and having taken it once to no effect, I dou- bled the quantity, but to no more purpose than before. I then added one third more to the quantity which I had taken, but it had no more effect upon me, than if I had not ta- ken any thing. I then desisted, fearing that a sudden consequence might ensue. It seemed as if it was impossible for any thing to lock up my thoughts, or shut out the disa- greeable sensations of my mind. It happened as I was sitting in my room one day, I discovered the New Testament (so called,) laying upon the table. I took it up, resolved to read it through ; but was opposed by my mate officer, who quartered with me. Firstly he only laughed at me for reading such a book ; and when laughing would not persuade, he once knocked it out of my hand. Wrren I saw that he not only disliked, but 34 that his dislike grew into a petulance when he found me often reading, I sought opportu- nities when he was absent and read it through again and again. Here I found many things which afforded me matter of consideration, and I felt deeply affected when reading a- bout the sufferings of Christ. There was nothing I desired on the earth more than to be settled in retirement and to enjoy the favor of God. I continued at Sack- ett's-Harbor until the news of peace, which was very pleasing to me, as I was now a friend to peace ; besides, I thought too, that I should not be likely to meet with any difficulty in leaving the army under a peace establishment. As soon as circumstances would admit the company was disbanded and I returned to Eden, in the county of Niagara state of New-York,* where I had married my Wife, about seven months before, When I left the army, I was fully convin- ced of the impropriety of war and disdained, as I thought, the proud pursuits of the world. I felt resolved to enjoy a retired life, and to walk humbly before God, After I had been home a little time I found myself retained on the peace establishment ; I then resigned my commission which was accepted, and so I found myself clear from the army, but not clear from the spirit of the world ; for no sooner than 1 had retired from the army I be- gan to feel my mind anxious about domes- * The town is now called Boston^ und the county, Erie Coui'y 35 tic concerns. All those good resolutions which I had been predetermined in, were but form- ed too much in myown strength, so that, as I had not fully dedicated myself to God, my strength wilted, (when tried) like the flower by the blazing sun beams at noon day. I did not forget the many promises which I had made to God in the course of my life, but no sooner than I was made to remember I was as ready to put off the work of righteousness, until a more convenient season. During eighteen months I was so much attached to worldy business, that my soul, mind and might seemed to be drank up in the busi- ness of life ; in cold and in heat, wet and dry, all kinds of weather were equally impro- ved by me, yea, I accounted the very time of eating and sleeping as lost and unprofitable. Sometimes I conversed with certain per- sons who lived in the neighborhood, about the subject of religion, but as their turn of mind Was calvinistic, there was little to be learned from them, but particular election and reprobation. This doctrine was so dis- agreeable, that the very devil within me would rise up against it. This doctrine hagfr been detestable to me from a child, as 1 had suf- fered much from it, but more particularly be- cause God had taught me at that time, that it was false. In conversing upon this doctrine, it was not uncommon that I met its advo- cates with languap:c, all but as corrupt as the doctrine itself. Notwithstanding I was so far 56 from God I was not without a remembrancer. The Spirit of God continued to visit me, e- ven in a time when the world would judge by my conversation and life, that I had not so much as one good thought about me. — It was on a time when God saw fit to come more sensibly near to me than usual, that I began to consider upon my condition. I thought I could discover that from time to time wick- edness had increased with my years. At this time I could really discover plainly, that my temper was much more ungovernable than it ever had been before. I could look back to the time when I was about ten or fifteen years of age — -when I was a stranger to a revenge- ful disposition — a time when it was as much of a mystery to me, how people could be angry one with another, as it was mysterious now, that my temper was so ungovernable. When I seriously considered the progress sin was making in my soul, I felt really fearful that I should come to some bad end. If I resolved to mend, as I frequently did, it seemed as if all the powers of satan were engaged to refute and destroy the good intentions I had, and cause me to commit two offences against God, to every good resolution I formed. My sins were a constant aggravation to me, and yet I sinned. I could plainly discover a hell within my own breast, without being able to shun it. So it is I believe, that when men feel a de- termination to become holy, satan then 3T strives most with them. Add to this, that the light of the spirit magnifies, or rather shows sin in its proper shape, showing every sin to be like a mountain. So the poor soul has a hard struggle to escape sin, and come to God. It is not uncommon that people imagine themselves out of satan's dominions because they are insensible of sin, which like a bane lurks within them. They do not groan for sin, because they are insensible of it ; they are not unusually tempted, because satan is not suspicious of any loss by them. During the 6th month, (called June) 1816, a circumstance took place, which was fol- lowed by mature considerations. Being cal- led from my business by some unexpected means, I fell into a fretful mood, which con- tinued for about one hour ; during this time I gave way to much wicked and improper language. After my insanity was a little a- bated, I threw myself upon the bed and be- gan to reflect on myself for my folly. I thought that I had become one of the most unreasonable beings on the earth. I accoun- ted myself the fool of all fools, for having giv- en away to the wicked influence of satan. Here I called to mind all the improprieties of my life, with all the promises I had made to God. I contrasted that heavenly minded- ness which I once possessed, with my feel- ings and condition now ; but considered my- self further from God than ever Thought I, I am the man that has lived foolish above all D 33 men ; I have often made solemn promises to the Lord, but I have as often broke them — ■ perhaps I have committed the unpardonable sin ! When could it be ? When I was about twelve years of age the Lord did much for me, but I was not converted ; it was but a special call I had — and such was the exer- cise of my mind then, as I have never expe- rienced since that lime. Had I walked a- greeable to that great light which I had, I 1 should not have done as I have, but now I really fear that my day of grace is past, and all I do is in my own strength. This perhaps is the reason, (thought I) why I am given o- ver to languish out a life in fits of presump- tion and extreme. — My prayer was to God, that if his mercy was not clean gone he would begin my salvation, and by his own power help me to escape the bondage of my sin. — Lord, said I in my heart, I am sinful, wicked and weak ; Satan is too strong for me ; Lord here I am, I am thine as a creature, the work is thine, the power is thine. I arose from my bed, resolved, the Lord helping me, to reform my life,then, or die with- out ever attempting to reform again. A-bout this time I had several dreams which were very similar one to the other. I thought that the country was invaded by a foreign power, and that the inhabitants had recourse to arms for their defence, but they were not able to stand. I thought they were obliged to re- treat (myself with the others,) or become 39 prisoners of war. I thought that I would not retreat far, but turn aside to a house nearby, and hide myself there ; but no sooner than I entered the door, the woman who belonged to the house informed me, that she saw thro 5 the window an officer near the house. I dis- covered that he was an enemy, but I had not time to hide myself from him. I immediate- ly threw off my uniform coat, as I thought on a table, and threw some citizen's clothes (which lay by) over it, that it might not be seen. Having ridded myself, as 1 thought of my military marks, I took a small child in my arms and seated myself very demurely in a chair, assuming the place of a father. The officer soon came in and saw me affecting all the disinterestedness of a common citizen and rny parental pretensions without mistrusting me to be any thing more, than the man of the house. After a little conversation he stepped to the table — moved a garment and discov- ered my coat ; he seemed immediately ap- prised of all my intrigue, and demanded my surrender to him as his lawful prisoner of war. But so it was, (as I thought) at that moment I discovered a musket standing by, which I instantly seized,and demanded that he should surrender to me ; looking him in the face at the same time with sternness, I threatened that if he should move one inch from his tracks without my consent, that I would blow him through. He immediately put both hands behind him and advanced towards me, 40 whilst his countenance assumed the boldness of the sun and the beauty of an angel. He had no weapons himself, and he took mine from me. When 1 saw the man as he was, I was overcome with his loveliness. I awoke with a sense that I was found not by my en- emy, but by the best of all friends. Several times within a few days, I imagin- ed in the vision of the night, that I had de- serted the army ; and being taken 1 received nothing in return but forgiveness and love. — It was true that I had long been at war with the truth, and was about to be received and taken, by my best friend. I had many times hid my dress with the covering of others, whilst I ignominiously treated Christ with af- fection, and denied him with conviction in my own heart. Though I was unusually visited by the vis- ions of the night, my dreams were so very uncommon, they only left a singular impres- sion on my mind, without my being able to put any meaning to them at the time. I re- flected much on the condition of ray soul, and the duty I owed to God ; I felt an im- pression that something was about to take place which would very especially concern me, but what I could not tell. At this time evening meetings were fre- quent in the neighborhood, and the mind of the people seemed inclined to attend ; accor- dingly, my wife asked me one evening if I would go to the conference with her. I replied, 41 that I was willing to assist her in getting to the place, but that I should not feel disposed to tarry there myself. I urged as a reason why I should not feel willing to tarry, that I was much fatigued with the labors of the day. That I was much fatigued was very true ; but my principal reason why I would not tarry was, I had been informed that there were some prospects of a reformation in the place, and as I had seen religious commotions end, as they most always do, in disputes and contentions — a disgrace to the cause of God as well as civil community, I felt resolved in my own mind, that I would not have any thing to do with it ! . My wife did not concede to go on such conditions as I proposed, so we both tarried at home. But as it is written, (Job xxxiii, 15, 16,) " In a dreamjin a vision of the night, when deep sleep falleth upon men in slum- bering upon the bed, then he openeth the ears of men and sealeth their instruction." — So it was, the Lord shewed me in the vision of the night by a similitude all that which took place for four years to come. I first found myself (in my dream) on my knees,earnestly supplicating the Lord for my- self and others ; my hands were raised hea- ven-ward, and my tears ran down to the ground. When I rose from the ground I dis- covered myself to be in an open and exten- sive field. The place seemed only to afford a gloomy aspect, with barrenness as far as my d2 42 eyes could discover. Whilst I was looking round upon the wide extended plain, I discov- ered several persons not far from me. these I solicited to journey with me, but they made no reply, but accompanied me without say- ing a word. When we had travelled a con- siderable distance I discovered that we were entering through the breach of a stone wall into a garden. When we had come within the wall, my mind was led to notice the place. There seemed sometime to have been a piece of ground enclosed with a beau- tiful stone wall, built in the most elegant man- ner ; the place was beautifully situated and it appeared that in a former day no expense had been wanting to make the place agreea- ble. Though there was no dwelling-house, nor any human residence to be seen ; yet, the place appeared to have been a place where a nobleman had chosen to fix. his residence for life. The selection of fruits and flowers, and the manner in which the place had been economised, all betrayed evident marks of its former grandeur. It appeared as if it had been a garden beautifully dressed — properly designed for retirement and delight. The ground appeared asjf it had been laid out in long alleys,^fbrming right an- gles, with uniform beds on all sides, with earthen flower-pots in every corner. All ap- peared to have been made for beauty and ad- miration, with every thing delightful and pleasant to the eye, and good for food. But 43 while every thing was in a state of the highest cultivation, and in midsummer bloom, it ap- peared that untimely frost had brought all things to the ground ; and not only so, but the wail was broken down on all sides. The 'destroyers' went in and out at their pleasure, the flower-pots were broken in pieces, and all seemed now given over to destruction, be- ing eaten up, and trodden underfoot. A vine that stood in the midst of the gar- den, attracted my attention next. This vine was very high extending upwards further than my eyes could possibly see. As to (he vine of itself, it had not received the loss of a single branch, though its leaves had fallen off and lay on the ground in great abundance. I re- marked to my companions that there was the appearance of fruit about the vine, and that it had probably borne fruit that season. Con- cluding that the fruit would be the first that would fall to the ground, I put about re- moving the leaves, and found that there was much fruit, but it appeared to be rotten, all but the heart, so that when the outside was separated from the inside a part was palata- ble. When I had made many remarks to my fellow travellers we passed through to the oth- er side of the garden, and left the once de- lightful but now melancholy looking region. — I had not proceeded far when I came to a beautiful brook. It appea °d to be about three feet from side to side* -the water was clear as a crystal and made Us way over a 44 bottom of white pebble-stone. My attention was at once turned to know from whence came the beautiful stream. From the make of ground round about, I concluded the foun- tain must be near, and observing a large log by the side of the way — with much difficulty I availed myself of its height, that I might the better discover the fountain which I im- agined was near. But to my great sur- prise I could discover nothing of the fountain only I perceived that the water proceeded from the log upon which I stood. The log appeared to be large, and it appeared that it was the part of a tree cut off above and be- low the branches. One of the branches had been smitten with an axe, and a block was taken out, and though the log apparently had lain in that place for many years, and was apparently dry and uncomely as a root out of dry ground, yet from the branch and place that was smitten proceeded the chrystai stream. It appeared in my dream that after leaving this place, I found myself standing on: the shore of a large body of agitated water* — Here I discovered many ships — they were all of one size, and were black like ships of war.. They were anchored and came not near each other. Whilst I was looking at the vessels and the men on board, I discovered a distant shore, and with that I discovered two lights. The lights, each of them, appeared to be the bigness of the sun. The country which I dis- covered on the other side of the water ap- 45 peared to be beautifully situated and enjoyed the light, (as I thought at first) of two lumina- ries at one time. 1 then thought again that one must be the true sun, and the other must be but a reflection of the true light, and that it denoted a storm, and accordingly I gave the last conjecture to my fellow travellers as my opinion. My companions now spoke to me for the first time : until now they had treated me with the greatest indifference, and they had not manifested the least degree of curiosity, neither had they sympathised with me in any thing that had passed. One of them asked me if I was resolved to go to that country ; to whom 1 replied yes : as soon as I can be permitted. I understood that these vessels were all bound for the other shore and were for passengers, but I did not like them. Until now, I had led the way, but my com- panions now led off, and I followed them. I was soon introduced into company with whom I felt the sweetest love and union. It appear- ed that they all dwelt in one house, but as the house was without windows, it was without light, besides that it was very dirty. I inform- ed them that I must leave them, for I could not live in so dark and so dirty a place. They all began to persuade me, to tarry with them, many tears were shed on the occasion, my heart was affected at the thought of leaving them, but I was bent on my departure, as I felt a necessity to leave the place. After we had tenderly embraced each other, (as it ap- 46 peared), I left the house. I had not proceed- ed far when I looked behind me, and saw sev- eral persons following after me, at a little dis- tance, but they did not come up with me. As I lost sight of them, my dream ended, and I awoke, and as I awoke, my ears were saluted with the most beautiful singing that I ever heard. When I considered on the vision, I remark- ed in my mind, that it was singular, but I was not able to imagine any thing,that the dream should mean. What I understand by this vis- ion, I shall record hereafter as it took place* CHAP. IIL Religious resolutions first publicly manifested— and a con- firmation of God's loving kindness — Trials of mind about bap- tism and attachment to society— Visionary instructions by night— preaching, with fears as to communion of bread and wine — and church liberties, found to be bondage — too fre- quent abuse of texts by a misapplication, with the rash and inconsiderate use of psalms and hymns. Some parts of the above mentioned vision continued in my mind for several days, and then it was gone from my mind, as much as if there had been no such thing passed. I still felt resolved, as 1 had before determined, to reform my life, and by the assistance of the Lord, to live anew. A number of weeks had passed, when I first began to feel a change in 47 my "mind-, so far that I saw a beauty and ex- cellency in the character of God. When I obtained this discovery, I obtained a humili- ating notion of myself, and as I was brought to see the beauty and goodness of God, I felt as if I was one of the most ungrateful crea- tures that ever lived. I obtained a fear to- wards God, without a slavish fear, or a fear of punishment, and a love with humility. I be- gan to feel it my duty to confess Christ pub- licly to the world, but this was very crossing to my mind. I thought the very minute that I should make public pretensions, or profess myself to be religiously inclined, I should be- come a mark for the world to look at, and if I did not live better than thousands who pre- tended to advocate the good cause, I should only disgrace myself, and crucify my Lord a- fresh, and put him to shame. The impression which was in my mind, to make a public pro- fession continued to follow me by night and by day, so that at last I became determined in my mind, to declare my feelings in the first christian congregation, which might fall in my way, and accordingly for the first time, I attended meeting for that very purpose. But who can tell the feelings of my heart when I came to the place ? The adversary strove hard, to break my resolutions, and thereby slay me, as he had many times before. The house was filled with people,and those whom I accounted as the first class in the society of the world, to whom I had an inclination to 48 think myself not inferior. This was a trying place to me, for not one person in the room had the least knowledge of my intentions, e- ven my wife, who was present, was ignorant of the purpose for which I had come to that meeting. I felt a reasoning within my heart that I had better go from the place, without exposing myself, and shew out my religion, by first leaving it home. But when I thought of leaving the place in silence, it appeared to me that the enemy of my soul would gain a complete victory over me thereby. Now ap- peared to me to be the time, and the only time to put into execution that which I had been promising to the Lord for many years, namely, a reformation of life. I sat measure- ably contented and easy, until the meeting was about to end ; when it seemed to me, as if Heaven or Hell, was depending on the choice I should make in a minute oftime. The thought of having it said that " Saul" is u among the Prophets," seemed to be a cross> heavier than I could bear. But at last I arose and declared to the congregation that I felt the need of a saviour. I exhorted the people to repentance, and requested the prayers of all christian people for me. I felt a degree of resignation to the loss of the world immedi- ately. My mind became measurably easy .and I left the place that evening with a great de- sire that the Lord would impart to me a deep- er knowledge of himself, and let me know my sins forgiven. The language of my heart was*, 49 O that I may " know him, whom to know a- right is life eternal" One morning I arose ve- ry early from my bed, and retired, intending secretly to call upon the Lord, and according- ly proceeded toward the woodland. As I was walking slowly along, there appeared to me a light like the sun. It was one of the lights which 1 had seen in my dream several weeks before. My mind felt an immediate confi- dence in God, and if an angel had met me in the way, and told me that the hand of the Lord was with me, I should not have believ- ed it the more. When the light appeared to me, it reflected light, life and power to my mind, and inspired me to trust only and en- tirely in God. As soon as I recognized the light which I had seen in my dream, the light disappeared, leaving me with a faint recollec- tion that I had had a singular dream, but I could not recollect any thing more of it, than that which related to the light, which I had just seen. The light was attended with such power to my mind, that I did not advance one step further, but I turned instantly on my heel and travelled a quick pace back to my house, and the first persons I met with 1 told them the Lord was with me, and that 1 had not one doubt of it. I told them also, that sometime since I had seen in a vision of the night, things which had been fulfilled, and that in the course of my life I should see it all fulfilled, though it was out of my power to recollect but little of the vision then. My 50 soul was now at perfect peace with God and with man. I now recognized every feature of my mind, to be that which I enjoyed when I was about twelve or thirteen years of age. At this time I had lost all confidence in my- self and had confidence in God, and felt to wait for him without a doubt. There was quite a religions stir in the neigborhood at this time, there had been ma- ny meetings in the place, though as yet I had not attended but one meeting. So it was I believe, that in the period of a few months, there was not a family in the neighborhood, but what experienced something of the grace of God. But no sooner than the work had become general, the different denominations began, (as they generally do,) to contend a- bout their tenets, and the neighborhood was left to experience those disagreeable, and dis- graceful divisions which generally arise a- mongst the different sectaries about church order, baptism, communion, &ic. During the 8th month, there was a church formed in the vicinity by a people who would not at that time receive any name, but they since call themselves Free-will Baptists. For myself 1 had no particular or deep ac- quaintance with any denomination about me at this time, 1 therefore stood as it were by myself for sometime, whilst there was lit ile else to be heard but"lo here" and " lo there is Christ." Whilst many were running up and down to this and the other society, to find a 51 home, as they were pleased to call it, my mind began to be tried upon the subject of water baptism. Many were every few days going forward in that ordinance, and, as they pretended, were led thereto by the Spirit of God ; but for myself, I could not find the Spirit to give me any instruction in the matter. — I felt a great desire to do all that was duty, and all I was waiting for was to feel duty as well as others. I did not think to dispute the ordinance, (so called) and though I had not read the scriptures enough to dispute the rite or to advocate for it, yet the frequent use of baptism among all denominations with whom I was acquainted, answered to confirm my unwary mind and to put the ceremony beyond suspicion. 1 therefore concluded that bap- tism must be right ; and accordingly I be- sought the Lord to make known my duty : But what surprised me was* that death and dark- ness attended such supplication. On being asked by some, why I did not go forward in baptism, I frankly mentioned my lack of rev- elation on that point — telling them that there was not the least impulse of the Spirit leading that way ; and where the Spirit did not lead I thought it was not my duty to act, because others did, nor to be baptised because others were baptised. Some said that I had not ought to wait for the leadings of the Spirit, because the scriptures were plain on the point of baptism. They added too, that I had de- layed my duty too. long already, and that I 52 had ought to be baptised and join to some so- ciety ; which if I would do, they doubted not but that I should find a blessing in so doing. Sometime after this I went forward in baptism, but instead of feeling the approbation of the Spirit of God, I only brought more death and darkness upon myself than I had before, fori had not received that blessing in baptism which others pretended to receive. I felt the approbation of my own mind so far as to say, if it is a duty, I have done it. After I was baptised I felt in my mind that I would stand by myself, but being solicited to join society, after some diffidence and delay I attached myself to the society since called Free-will - Baptist ; but my choice was not conducted by a sound understanding in the scriptures, but like nine-tenths of the people who attach themselves to societies, I had not as yet read scripture enough to compare scripture with scripture, so as to be capable of divining for myself. I have frequently had occasion to notice the many who do as I did ; they make up their faith or creed from a few passages of Scripture more ingeniously selected by the preacher, than understood by them ; and without suspecting the multitude in error they attach themselves to society. The conse- quence frequently is much trouble for their inconsiderateness, that is, if they are persons who are determined to know the truth for themselves. Otherwise they may become very blind and zealous in their way, and like the 53 ox, they can labor only at the one end of the yoke ; and for this, their only and best reason is, because they have not been taught and traditioned on the other. Not long after I attached myself to society several of the members in society came for- ward and began to labor in the ministry. — This was trying to me f because my mind was exercised as to the same-work*- But as there were several of them now began, I concluded that my feelings as well as theirs must be im- posed upon ; therefore I resolved in my own mind, to hold my peace. I not only felt deter- mined to desist myself, but I opposed the oth- ers until all my sweetness of mind was gone, in an unusual degree. My meditation be- came unpleasant — my comforts fled from me r and prayer became ineffectual. My mind was barren for some weeks and my mouth was so shut up, that it seemed as if I never should say any thing upon the subject of religion again. After this I was troubled by the vision of the night. I thought the sentence of everlasting misery was passed up- on me, and as quick as thought I imagined myself sinking into misery as into a pit. It seemed as if my mind was left to realize all the horror it was capable of undergoing whilst the dreadful accent was realized, gone * gone, forever gone I No one can possibly imagine the sensation of my heart durino- the vision — though it was short, yet it was pain- ful. I awoke immediately, and it seemed as e2 54 if I could hardly persuade myself that I was yet a being in the world. My mind instant- ly compassed a world lying in wickedness. — I realized for them that misery which must come upon them in an unexpected day. — Thought I, O that inconsiderate men could see their situation as I see it ! When a'few days had passed, under serious reflection I recollected that part of my second dream, which related to my being in an open field much engaged in prayer. The interpre- tation immediately was, that the wide and extensive barren plain which I saw, was the world in wickedness. I recollected again, that there were several persons on the plain with me: It came to my mind that these breth- ren, who had been laboring in the ministry were the very persons whom I saw there — I had not so understood this part of my dream until now. But when this interpretation come to me, it was like lightning bursting upon the mind. Thought I, is it possible, that the Lord will make use of me in his work. — What,, me ! even me ! O how unworthy am I ! I could see in myself, no worthiness, parts or qualification for such a task. But as I knew my dream was of a divine purport, I had the witness that it would all be fulfilled in process of time ; and tho«gh my mind was not naturally inclined to yield to the interpre- tation which I had already conceived, yet I felt measureably to say, not my will, but thy will be done, O Lord ! My desire was daily 55 and hourly that the Lord would make known duty, and when he should make his will known, I really felt as if he was the one that must fit and enable me to do it too. — It was not long before the Lord was pleased to coun- sel me upon my pillow again. I thought in the vision of the night, that I was warned to prepare for death. I was informed that I was shortly to leave all the concerns of this natur- al life. I did not feel in any degree terrified, but immediately put about arranging my tem- poral atfairs, for the good of my family. Af- jer I had collected various effects and put them together in one place, 1 called my wife to me and informed her that I must leave her, and that there was all the property I was worth, and that she must make the best of it for her maintenance. After I had made due preparation *I pa- tiently waited my departure, and employed my time as the Lord would have me, not knowing the means by which I was to leave the world. When I had continued a consid- erable time on the earth, the time of my de- parture at length came. I did not dream of dying, but the first I knew of myself, I was a great distance from the earth, triumphantly soaring to the upper regions. I had not pro- ceeded far when it appeared as if I was met with a company of angels, who began to sing with heavenly sweetness. I felt completely calm and happy in my mind. I was conduc- ted upward for awhile until met by an inou- 5& merable company of angels, who brought with them additional and incomprehensible joys. I soon felt to realize that I had passed from this world to the next. It appeared to me that I was in the immediate presence of God with a countless number of glorified spir- its, and where all things conspired to happi- ness. It appeared that knowledge did not consist in beholding, as with a natural eye, but the mind became measurably infinite, so that it was capable of beholding all things at 1 one time. AH things seemed to have a spi- ritual existence^and tho' there appeared to be millions of angels, yet their thought,, subject and theme, were so completely one, and their happiness consisted so much in each other, through the Spirit it would be most proper to say there was but one of all. I might as welt throw down my pen, as to attempt to des- cribe the joys of the place. Could I forget* the unworthiness of myself, I could with pleasure tell that I heard things "not lawful to be uttered ;" that is, it is out of the power of human ability to describe what I felt, what I heard and saw. Such was the state of my mind, I had forgot that I ever was an inhabi- tant of any other place. It was in the midst: of my enjoyment that my views were conduc- ted still further, and suddenly there were thrown open to my discovery, an incompre- hensible degree of happiness, hitherto seclu- ded. I realized that the happiness which I- enjoyed, was but an inch of ground compare- 57 ed with a boundless field, for it was by such a similitude that it was shown me. Into this state of happiness I was about to enter when I awoke, and found that it was a dream ! My natural strength was so far overcome by my views, that it was not without difficulty that I turned myself in the bed. Finding myself in the flesh, the language of my heart was that of the poet : '• This life's a dream, an empty show ; But the bright world to which I go, Hath joys substantial and sincere ; When shall I wake and find me there ?" O how astonishingly good was the Lord in preparing my mind for the trials which a- waited me! Had he not dealt with me as it were with an open hand, in giving me proofs of himself and of his loving kindness toward me, I should have fallen under the trials with which I afterwards met. This dream repre- sented the work which the Lord soon required of me. It was not a natural death particular- ly intended, but a spiritual death to this world, was more especially received by me to be the meaning of the vision. As to the extent of the the joys which my mind was permitted to dis- cover of another world, it was not any thing that I shall ever fully attain to in this, world, and live in the body. Not long after this time I appeared in pub- lic, but my method was very disagreeable to many, for instead of laboring particularly 58 from a text, my mind was led to embrace a subject and to expound and read the scrip- tures, to maintain the ideas which were on my mind. After this my mind was so calm (though much oppressed before) that for some days I did not harbor the most distant thought that I should ever appear in public testimony again — my mind was clear from doubts or fears, and I enjoyed the spirit of a child. But it was not long before I felt it my duty to appear publicly in behalf of the truth again; and accordingly I obeyed — and again and again I felt my duties and as often obey- ed, and for a while as often concluded that every time was the last. After I had been attached to society a few months my mind began to query upon many things. I had by this time been to the Sa- crament (so called) several times, but not finding that enjoyment which I expected^ I was led not to dispute the ceremony, but to query what should be the reason I did not receive that enjoyment which others so fre- quently said they received. As often as I came to the communion so often I was led to doubts, darkness and death ; for my mind not receiving that help which I fancied oth- ers did, I was moved to doubt my Christiani- ty, and as I received no help, light nor life, I feared (according to the general but false rendering of the scripture,) lest I should " eat and drink damnation to myself."* So my ' * See PLEA, Chap. 70), ojvI Cor. xl 29. 59 greatest privilege was to desist from the use of Bread and Wine as frequent as I could, without giving an offence to my brethren. I began now to notice the disputes among professors of Christianity, with more attention than usual. I was led to notice, that the contentions which were among the different denominations, were more about the ordinan- ces, church order, &c. than about any essen- tial doctrine of Christ. These contentions were the means of destroying almost every mark of that Spirit, which is the only work and life of Christianity. It had become so in my own neighborhood, where there had just been a remarkable stir about religion, that the people had not half the union, one with the other, that they had before they made a- ny profession at all. Such was the conse- quence of the reformation that the religious parties would not meet at one place, but held separate meetings in the neighborhood, and sometimes within a few rods of each other. If a member happened to attach himself to this or the other denomination, the reply of the other was, "We do not care for that, we never had but little charity for him or her, we are glad that I hey have joined where they have. That denomination gets all the bad, or disaffected members, and we get all the good." Such was the disposition of the different denominations, that they almost imagined that they were always disaffected towards a member, whereas their disaffection 60 was only because they had not joined their society. About this time I began to feel the smart, for having attached myself to the Church ; for as I was determined to main- tain my Christian liberty and fellowship with all denominations, and labour amongst all denominations without regard to sect or in- dividuals, I incurred the displeasure of some of my Free-will-Baptist brethren, who were bent upon monopolizing my public la- bours to themselves. I soon could witness to that saying of my divine Lord, which was, "that a man's enemies should be them of his own household." They demanded of me that if I would preach to the Methodists, or that if f would preach to the close-com- munion-Baptists to join them, otherwise to preach where I belonged ; but otherwise, if I was determined to be every thing; to be ev- ery thing. 1 replied, if to preach the gospel to all the world, constituted a man every thing, I should choose to be every thing I soon learned what the different sectarians with whom I was acquainted meant by chris- tian freedom, and that it was no more than to Ci go to meeting, where we go, do as we do, and believe as we believe," and if there was not a compliance to this freedom, all love was lost, or became very cool and indifferent. I had not as yet thought to dispute the pro- priety of the ordinances, but thought what every body did must be right. I knew that I had no call to preach ordinances, though 61 others said they had, and preached the form of religion more than any thing else. As for myself, I never pretended that I had any spir- itual instruction in any kind of outward ordi- nances, but such as did pretend to be led by the Spirit disagreed much in their form. One pretended that the Spirit led him to be bap- tized by sprinkling : a second^said the Spirit led him to receive baptism by pouring : a third contended that he was led by the Spirit to be immersed or plunged ; all this looked inconsistent to me. I could not believe that the Spirit of God would be so inconsistent with itself. While I was observing others, I was also led to notice the preachers. Many of them did not pretend to be led by the Spirit at all, and thought that it was delusion in others if they pretended so to be led, so it was not strange with me, to see them disagree, both in preaching and administering the ordinance. But such as did pretend to administer by the Spirit I saw that they contradicted their pro- fession, in that, when they assembled together they would be frequently urging each other to preach, and it was not uncommon that one half hour was spent in questioning one, and the other whether it was not their privilege or duty to improve ; if they were led by the Spirit there would be no such questioning to do. If there was no one who could be war- ranted by the Spirit, this was no hindrance, some one was sure to engage in the work. F 65 Another inconsistency I discovered was, that they had a particular rule of wor- ship, which was to commence with singing. When the preacher opened his meeting, he would say, (turning to a Psalm or Hymn) tt let us commence the solemn ivorship of God, by singing to his praise," &c. As Psalms and Hymns were generally expressive of praise, prayer, or thanksgiving, I could not see that a whole congregation both saint and sinner could possibly feel the spirit of a Psalm, a Hymn or a Doxology, all at one time. It was not uncommon that the wickedest man in the neighborhood, was called upon to pitch the tune, and to take the lead in singing. If the whole congregation could sing with the Spirit and with the understanding also, then this was right ; but if not, then it remained that the preacher in commencing the propo- sed worship, firstly put out a dozen or more lies for the people to tell. After singing was ended, then a prayer followed, and then sing- ing again, by this time a text was named. — The text perhaps was the part of a verse or sentence divided so as to suit the spirit of the times best, or combat the supposed false dogmas of the day. It was not uncommon that the meaning of the text was missed al- together A certain preacher took for his text, Hab. ii, 11," For the stone shall cry out of the wall, and the beam out of the timber shall answer it." His first motive was to prove the Trinity ; that is, three persons and 63 one God. That was done by contending, that it must take three stones to make a wall. When the wall was finished, the man had in the next place, recourse to the wilderness, (meaning the world) where be cuts timber for beams to build the church. The cry out of the wall, and tire answer of the beam was represented to be the spiritual understanding between God and his people. With many such notions did the man please the ears of the congregation, whilst they were complete- ly robbed of the truth of the text. But who would not blush for the man, when both the verse before and after the text is permitted to explain it. It appeared that the text had no such meaning as the man labored to show ; but simply goes to make out a denunciation against the Chaldeans, for insatiabkness, for covetousness, for cruelty, drunkenness and idolatry. The text shows that the city or house, which was established by blood and by deceit, should cry against the wicked buil- ders. Again, one took for his text, Isa. xiii, 12, " I will make a man more precious than fine gold ; even a man than the golden wedge of Ophir." This text was represented to mean Christ's person and graces ; but this text was used by the- prophet irr a denunciation a- gainst Babylon ; showing the desolation that should be made by the Medes. Showing their cruelty to be such, that they would choose the blood of the people and their des- 64 (ruction, rather than their gold ; therefore it is said, (verse 17) "Behold I will stir up the the Medes against them which shall not re- gard silver, and as for gold they shall not tie- light in it." I might fill a volume with the account of such absurd renderings, but every observing person do all but daily witness the false and crafty rendering, and the end inge- nious men serve themselves by the scriptures. When 1 considered all the inconsistencies among both people and priests, I was quite at a loss what to think, and what was worse with me, I had not been apprized of the tra- ditions of men until I had been drawn by the multitude into the same path in which they were travelling. I had been baptized be- cause others were in the practice of it ; I had been to the communion as I was led by the established order of the churches. These and other customs I had conceded to, but now for myself I had experienced an empti- ness in some things, and saw that there was a great inconsistency in others. As I was young in my experience, I was not quick to suspect the multitude altogether out of the way in such customs, though I saw that there were many improprieties among them. I saw and experienced that in myself of these things, that I was not able to account for. — I had several times desisted the communion on account of my own feelings, which was a great cross and a trial too ; as the use of the sacrament was generally received to signify 65 christian fellowship and union. But with this I now found other things equally or if possible more crossing than any thing else, I must now desist my practice of reading and putting out Hymns or feel condemned in my mind for the inconsiderate use which I caus- ed others to make of my leadings. Again I was troubled on the account of prayer; this cus- tom was as common as singing, and as much of a form. I was sensible that my mind was not always prepared for vocal supplication, consequently I found myself sometimes char- ged with hypocrisy, and so far I was to God and the People, what a Papist priest might be in his mass* Though I had seen the fre- quent abuse of the scriptures by taking texts, yet this did not amount to an argument that a text should not be used;: for I was taught that the scriptures were given as it were for a note-book, and that all should take a text. — Here I was not without another difficulty, for though I frequently felt the power of the Spir- it resting upon me, yet I had no text. But as I thought that I must have one, I frequent- ly had recourse to such a passage as my nat- ural judgment was pleased to select, and by this the Spirit was quenched. At other times, when the Spirit bid me speak as well as to look up a text, according to the customs of the people and the rules of the ministry, there must be some considerable time spent in search of an appropriate Hymn or Psalm and in prayer. By this time I found that the Spir- f2 66 it wa3 gone, but notwithstanding, according to custom 1 was still bound to furnish the people with a discourse. In consideration of the leadings of my mind, I frequently preached without singing or vocal prayer, and sometimes preached with- out making any particular passage of scrip- ture the foundation of my testimony ; and sometimes I attended meetings but had noth- ing to say. All this was offensive and singu- lar to such persons as were in the habit of hearing fine singing, and seeing other things conducted in the common order. My manner of procedure was not only sin- gular to others but it was singular to myself ; for it was unaccountable to me why my mind should be led, so different from others. It was not only singular but crossing to my mind to leave the smooth path of custom, and so crossing that but in few instances did I comply with my leadings of mind, and suf- fered myself to follow the example of others, and with them I frequently found myself guil- ty of such false rendering of texts as all who preach from the letter are unavoidably sub- jected. But to avoid as much as possible such improprieties, I frequently made choice of such texts as appeared to be plain, and such texts as by the reading, expressed their proper sense. I also in some degree ridded myself of improprieties in singing, by select- ing such psalms and hymns as were less ex- pressive of deep profession than others. 67 CHAP. IV. Doubts occasioned by the multiplicity of religious opinions, and the mind inadequate to find the truth from the Scrip- tires — Doubts with temptations to disbelieve in the exist- ence of a God, overcome. — Doubts a9 to a Saviour decided by the vision of the night. — The notiou of the Millenium found to be unscriptural, led to an investigation of the Scriptures touching many other things. The many inconsistencies which I have described, and the difficulties with which I met, were to my mind like so many diseases without a physician — I was sensible of pain, but could not tell what was the cause. Be- ing borne down under the galling yoke and burden of unsuspected tradition, my mind grew dark and discouraged. My mind so- lar lost the witness of the Spirit, that unless I could find some means whereby I might ac- count for differences among professors of Christianity, I must give up the idea of reli- gion and believe it to be but a phantom of the mind. Thought I, religion, if there is any such thing, must be a revelation from God c r consequently, as God is a consistent being, religion must be consistent, and so be but one thing. — Surely, thought I, all cannot be right : and what method shall I adopt, there- by I may know that I am not deceived a- mong the multitude ? I thought in the first place, that I would have recourse to the scriptures, and attain a perfect knowledge of them ; for I understood little of them> as it 68 was but a short time since I had began to read them. Here a question arose in my mind, is not the scriptures the very thing by which all denominations say to be governed ? and is it not about the scriptures, that the world is now contending? then how can the scriptures answer me my important desires when older than I, with able and learned men, have made them the subject of dispute for many hundred years ? Some contended that the bible was a Spir- itual book, and could not be understood but by the Spirit. This system of reasoning I discerned destroyed itself, for such as plead for the Spirit, plead also that the Spirit should be tried by the scriptures ; for if it ab- solutely required the Spirit to understand the scriptures, it was necessary first to know the Spirit without the scriptures. For a Spirit or knowledge to understand the scriptures could not be given in the scriptures seeing the Scriptures could not interpret themselves, I could not see that if it required a teacher er to teach, how the pupil could teach the teacher. Or if it required a knowl- edge of the Spirit to understand the scrip- tures I could not see that it was possible that the scriptures could give me a knowl- edge of the Spirit. This rule placed me as far from the possibility of knowing the truth as if there were no scriptures at all. I reasoned thus in my mind : Am I a chris- tian ? Answer, yes. Are there not christians 69 among all denominations ? Yes, and they all read the scriptures, and undoubtedly they are mostly deceived, and if I read the scrip- tures why shall I say I am more sincere than they ? Or that I am not as liable to be de- ceived as they ? I saw plainly that the different denomina- tions which pretended to be governed by the scripture were evidently built upon the sand. They were daily casting it in each others teeth, that they partially rendered the scrip- ture, or if anv were inclined to be more char- itable, like myself they were much puzzled to account for the disagreement among chris- tians and often, groaned with fear lest they were deceived themselves. Here my mind was brought to despair of all possible means of knowing the truth ; or of knowing who was right, or who wrong. I had always supposed that the scriptures were the only rule of faith and practice, as I had been taught by others. I could not feel to condemn all others as wilfully wrong in these interpretations of the letter ; nay, nor could I rashly say my judgment on the scriptures was more correct than all who had read besides me. When I considered the subject of religion, I felt desirous, if there was any such thing as right, to know it, as a matter of the most importance. I felt my own human judgment to be fallible like oth- ers, and when I had fathomed all that came before me, I was inclined, equally to distrust all. 70 While my mind was looking outward to find some way whereby I might reconcile or account for the differences among chris- tians, the more confusion and darkness I saw among them ; insomuch that the enemy found means to tempt me to disbelieve all re- ligion in toto. But the question was with me, what shall I do with my past experience ? Can I possibly believe that there is no such thing as religion ? Yes, just as soon as I can believe that all these different denominations are led by thef Spirit of God ; and if the thou- sands about me are deceived, why may I not be deceived too ? For several months I was called to pass some of the most severe temptations I had ever as yet met with. My mind was daily harrassed by the enemy to doubt all that 1 had ever experienced or known of the things of God. Much of my time was spent in se- cret, praying to the Lord that he would drive the tempter from my mind, and appear in the behalf of my soul. Some times when I attended in secret I had so little faith that I did not dare to open my mouth in supplica- tion. At other times I would lay on the 4 ground in silence, or at most groan with the burthen that lay heavy on my heart. None but such as know the power of the enemy, and the manner in which he tempts the weak mind, can imagine what was the bitterness of my soul. I was not only tempted to disbe- lieve my own experience and to discredit the 71 loving kindness which I had known, but I was tempted to disbelieve the existence of a God and Saviour. Though I was not fully brought down by these temptations, yet, my mind was so overcome, that my faith and confi- dence was completely shaken. It seemed that my prayers and supplications wasted up- on the ground, and that my heart was most- ly given over to temptation. One may think it strange perhaps, that I should haf e so yield- ed to atheistic notions, or that there should be a deist in the world ; but when I consider the conduct of professors, and the conten- tions they have in consequence of their cer- emonial religion, I more wonder that there is not ten where there is now but one. Who can imagine the feelings of my mind when I attempted to appear in public and preach, which I was obliged to do, or feel no peace at all. Sometimes during my meetings in some degree I was able to overcome my temptation, and it was only in speaking that I found any comfort, for as soon as I had done speaking the enemy would spoil my peace. I had once been speaking in public as 1 thought with much freedom, but as soon as I had done speaking, (as at other times) the enemy returned, but with double power. All the corroding doubts which had passed my mind for months that had past and gone, came pov eifullv into my mind all at once, and to hide my emotions of soul from the as- sembly, who had not as yet all withdrawn, I 72 hastened out of the door, and then to the wood. Here 1 fell on the ground, and cried as a child that had been whipped, though in the bitterness of my soul I could not exercise the least degree of faith, and for that reason I put up a petition to God in a manner ex- pressive of my feelings. O God ! if there be any God, hear now 1 pray thee, J pray thee hear now, and deliver thou me from my af- flictions, for why should I be thus distressed and tempted ? If there be a God have mer- cy upon my poor soul. Said I, Lord what have I done ? What can be done ? What shall I do ? — I felt as if every thing was wrong about me and within me. Thought I, O that I never had been born, for then I had not known the affliction of my soul ! and why should a creature live, thought I, so misera- ble as I am ? I laid my hand upon my breast, which ached almost insupportably, and the language of my heart was like one anciently, M My bowels, my bowels, I am pained at my very heart ; my heart rnaketh a noise in me ! " 1 felt it duty to speak to my fellow men, but when my mind was so temp- ted thought 1, how can I speak ! I was as sen- sible of the pain of my soul as I ever was, of the most excruciating pain of my body. One day when in retirement 1 seated my- self upon a log where my mind anxiously waited for consolation in Spirit. While wait- ting in this place my eyes caught sight of a dead mullen- stalky and from this simple in- 73 strum ent I was convinced of the existence of a God. Here I saw the express image of God's power,' wisdom and goodness — with this my mind pursued other objects, and all seemed big with the praise of God. My doubts fled and like Nebuchadnezzar, " I lifted up mine eyes unto heaven, and mine under- standing returned unto me, and I blessed the most High, and I praised and honored him that liveth forever." Surely, " the fool bath said in his heart, there is no God .'" [ador'd What then ? For all creative power and Nature's law be chance Miracles without power — causes without a cause, how matchless But if there chance to be a power may not there chance a God? [odd! What ! mighty power, and order too, to chance impute ? 0, stupid soul ! in shape a man, in mind a brute. Of things most high, and things most low, there's none too mean — ■ To show a God and speak a power divine. From that time until now, I have been a- ble to contend with the enemy (if tempted to doubt the existence of a God) with a sin- gle spear of grass. I was enabled to say with the Psalmist, " The heavens declare the glory of God, and the firmament showeth his handy works" — and with the Apostle Paul, to say, " The invisible things of him from the creation of the world are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even his eternal power and Godhead." I have before observed that my mind al- so doubted as to a Saviour. — Of this my mind was relieved by the vision of the night, I thought in my dream, that I was confer- G 74 ring, with some persons, when they answered me in a very discouraging manner. My re- ply to them was, that I should refer the mat- ter to Christ. 1 thought that I turned from them and walked into a large field. I had not been there long, as I thought, before I saw a man making toward me. When he had come within about twenty rods, I saw that he was encompassed with a light from head to foot. As he seemed to advance nearer to me, his garment (which was a long loose robe) shone with brightness, and ap- peared to be as white as snow. His garment appeared so fine that it seemed to be with- out a thread. His countenance appeared to be the fountain of love, and a refulgent glory beamed from every pore of his face. As he approached me I discovered no change in his address, nor in gesture — heav- en and divine love was clearly understood to be the very feature and passion of his soul ; there was nothing affected in his counte- nance, yet I was effected with love in the most powerful manner, his very countenance was heaven, and conspired to make heaven in all about him. When I speak of that love which I felt, and saw in the heavenly vision, suffer me to speak in language something like the nature of what I felt. O, the al- mighty power of love ! ! When he came near I knew it was Christ ; I fell to the ground in adoration, whilst I adapted the language of Thomas,