Jm nSs
NORTHWESTERN
UNIVERSITY
LIBRARY
EVANSTON
ILLINOIS
M ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ M A m
t
STEONG - MINDED WOMAN:
A CLASSICAL BURLESQUE,
IN ONE ACT.
A MOST SHAMELESS MISINTERPRETATION OF
THE GREEK DRAMA OF EURIPIDES.
[Firat Performed at the Strand Theatre, July 4, 1850.]
BY TBS 4UTH0S OF
THB TBiVESTIBS OP " MACBETH," AND THE MEBCBAKT OP
VENICE," " MAMMON AND OAMMON," " NHMBBH ONE A.," " BY
SPECIAL APPOINTMENT," &C.
OXFORD:
E. T. SPIERS, HIGH STREET.
London; T. H. Lacy, 17, Wellington Street, Strand,
1850.
Z' ^
ALCESTIS,
THE ORIGINAL
STRONG-MINDED WOMAN:
A CLASSICAL BURLESQUE,
IN ONE ACT.
BEING
A MOST SHAMELESS MISINTERPRETATION OF
THE GREEK DRAMA OF EURIPIDES.
[Fhst Performed at the Strand Theatre, July 4, 1850.]
BY TBS AVTHOB OF
THE TKAVEST1E8 OF " M.4.CBETH," ANU THE " MERCHANT OF
VENICE," "MAMMON AND GAMMON," "NUMBER ONE A.," "BY
SPECIAL APPOINTMENT," &C.
OXFORD;
E. T. SPIERS, HIGH STREET.
London: T. H. Lacy, 17, 'Wellington Street, Strand.
1850.
ALCESTIS,
THE ORIGINAL
STRONG-MINDED WOMAN.
AS PERFORMED AT THE STRAND THEATRE.
CHARACTERS MISREPRESENTED.
Apollo, the original' Sir Oracle'—Miss Adams.
Orous, or Death; his first appearance in so early a stage—
an infernal god, and an infernal nuisance —^Mr. H. Farren.
Hercules, a hero whose address was well known at his club.
—Mr. W, Farren.
Admetus, an individual weak in intellect, and not' recotn-
metided by any Faculty.'—Mr. Compton.
PoLAX, inspector of Pellise, and Petticoats, as usual of the
'Hto division.—Mr. W. Shalders.
Aloestis, the regular Greek Play heroine, rigidly correct,
and perfectly Classical.—Mrs. L. Murray.
Phcedra, servant of all work, and no play; taken up by the
Policeman aforesaid.—Mrs. A. Phillips.
Two Children, very bad characters, as they have nothing to
say for themselves.—Misses Sharp and Gilbert.
Scene—Pherea, in Thessaly.
Time—Old enough to knew better.
The Plot, which has been thought an eKgihle plot for
building one story on, is therefore mainly referable to the
injured poet above mentioned, and may be thus briefly de-
scribed. Admetus, being due to Death, and as such totally
unprepared to take himself up, is about to betake himself
down, according to pre\'ious arrangement, when Orcus, who
had been meanwhile trying his mean wiles upon Alcestis,
(Admetus' very much better half,) expressed himself willing
to receive her as a substitute; her husband. Mends and re-
lations, not feeling quite so disposed to be disposed of. Al-
cestis however consents, packs up her own traps, and then
obligingly goes packing down those of Orcus. At this me-
lancholy juncture, Hercules chances to be passing through
Thessaly, on his return from his provincim engagements;
and having a knack of tm-ning up a trump at a rub, plays
his club so judiciously as to retake the Queen, in spite of the
deuce, and restores her to her family and Mends.
The Scenes, being the work of Mr. "W. Shalders, need but
be seen to be appreciated, and wiU be all his fiincy painted
them. It is hoped that the piece wiU be no less in drawing.
For the Costumes, Messrs. Nathan have imdertaken to
give aU the characters a proper dressing.
The (special) Appointments which have been made by
Mr. Mc. Ginn, wiU be strictly kept—^in the Property Room;
and the effect of the Music wul doubtless be elecMcal through
so able a conductor as Mr. J. Barnard.
ALCESTIS,
&c.
Scene. Before the house of Admetus. A modem
area practicable fh.H.) Practicable door and steps, (r.h.)
Upon the door plate in Greeh characters is seen Mp
ASptjros —and also ' TtXeacre to piyy 6^ /3eAA.'—
BtUer Apollo, (l.)
Apollo. Ladies and Gentlemen, I am Apollo—
Although I frankly own it doesn't follow
From my costume; no matter, let that be.
Although in hat and hessians, I am he.
The fact is, 'twixt ourselves, I plainly see it is
All up with us—this age don't care for deities.
And with our attributes there's no deceiving it,
My lyre for instance—people don't believe in it.
The vulgar rabble's wiser than the sages
Of those delightful green old middle ages.
Then they respected altars I ah! things I trow
In every respect are altered now!
My oracles don't get, upon my word,
A common hearing from the common herd—
Not e'en a votive kid, much less a nice
" Go-in at a tremendous sacrifice."
6
Our temples, which were crowned in former day "l
With leaves of laurel, now they leaves, and say ^
They wont give laurel where they can't o-bey. J
With votaries the shrine's no longer thronged.
And grievously our sacred rites are wronged.
By men who, changing all their vows to cursings.
Begin to talk about the " rights of persons"—
If this goes on much longer, for myself, I
Must really give up trade, and shut up Delphi.
But who comes here ? Ah! Orcus, how d'ye do ?
[£nter Orcus, L. H.
Orcus. I'm pretty well, and who the deuce are you?
Ap. Not know Apollo! have you lost your eyes ?
Ore. If you're Apollo I apologize.
Ap. Well, and what brings you here? for I must say "1
That Death should walk in the broad face of day, ^
And chat in a familiar oflF-hand way, J
Really appears to me an impropriety
Which would be scouted in genteel society.
Ore. Of what's correct all know Apollo's nice sense,
But being Orcus I've a 'Awkers licence.
Ap. And what's the object that you have in view ?
Ore. Well, as a friend, I don't mind telling you—
I—I am in love!
Ap. You take away my breath !
Is love a " ruling passion strong in death?"
And might I venture to enquire her name ?
Blonde or Brunette ?
Ore. Well, lightish for & flame.
Ap. Another? well—opinions differ so—
I thought that you had flames enough below.
But, pardon me, proceed to revelation
Of the fair maid's cognominal appellation.
In plainer words, you have forgot her name.
Ore. Alcestis.
Ap. Not Admetus' wife?
Ore. The same.
Ap. What, is she due already ?
7
Ore. No, not yet
But if she choose to pay her husband's debt
In propria persona—eh—idy'e see ?
I'll take her down instead of him, with me.
Else, like a detonator, down he goes.
To pay the debt o'natur which he owes!—
Don't interrupt—my mind's made up—I've sworn it,
And, for the weakness that relents, I scorn it.
Ap. Forgive him.
Ore. What would of my word be thought then?
Ap. You'd let him off were't not for the report then?
Ore. Mind your own business, and leave me to mine,
Or, since it seems you can't refrain from prj'ing
Where you're not wanted—know, I mean to carry her
To my domains, where, spite of you, I'll marry her.
Ap. If you persist in these uncouth expressions
I'd not for something occupy your hessians.
However we won't quarrel—there's my hand,
But, if I can I foil you—understand.
Ore. The friendly strife I'm ready to begin.
With all my heart, and may the best man win!
Song.—Orcus.—" Standard Bearer."
Though you appear the model minstrel knight,
I'm Kmg of Night, and you won't catch me sleeping,
So, interfering with my vested right,
I'll see if I can't make you pay for peeping!
The lady owns to me a higher claim.
You shan't redeem for nought that long pledged token.
And e'er you put me out, and win my flame.
My compact or your head shall flrst be broken.
\_Exeunt severally.
Enter Admetus, very dejected, from the house ; he has a
long pipe in his hand, and slowly advances to the front.
Admetus. Oh what a night of mourning I have passed;
But, thank the stars, they've disappeared at last.
I thought with light my heaviness would cease.
Yet the day's broken and I find no peace.
8
My pipe's my only consolation now,
And I will clear my pipes and tell you how.
Sings—Air—"BiUy Nutts the Poet"
On all hands be this truth allowed,
Experience must show it:
When life's o'ershadowed by a cloud
The only way's to hlow it
It has been my cure, if other folk
Would only deign to try it,
The cares of Ufe would end in smoke,
Let him, who can, deny it.
Of pain they'd take a hird^s eye view.
Of grief feel no returns, sirs.
For care not care a single screw,
And disappointment spurn, sirs!
With every ill the effect's the same.
Whatever cause may rack ye—
The vridower might his weeds disclaim.
And sing out 'I O Bueky'!
Then on all hands, &c.
Some with the juicy grape their cares bid go forth,
And sing " Fill up the sparkling bowl," and so forth—
" Fill up the meershaum bowl" 's my only cry ;
I eye my pipe, and then I pipe my eye;
F'or e'en that fails to chase my fears away,'
The die is cast, and I must die to day !
I can't pretend—and he's a fool who would—
Bear death at forty-two with fortitu-de ;
Yet I am in for it, I must confess.
With no great chance of getting out, unless
Some friend were here to serve me with his wit.
{Enter Orcus. (l.)
Ore. I as your friend can serve you—with this writ;
Nay, don't be frightened—It is only I—
Your little bill, sir, of mortality.
{Presenting it.
Adm, Oh curse it!
f
9
Ore. Spare your curses, my young spark,
Adm. 1 merely made a cursory remark.
[He takes the Bill and looks at it.
Ore. Ah 1 look at it. I fancy e'en your skill
Can't find a flaw there.
Adm. To your little bill
I am no stranger, though I never meet it.
Ore. It has been long standing.
Adm. Standing ? pray re-seat it;
Or if you think such proposition strange,
We'll let it run a little for a change.
Ore. It's very well to talk, but these facetiae.
However specious, wont supply the specie—
I'm no great talker, so with me to sup
You must stump down, sir, if you can't stump up.
[Adtnetus kneels to Oreus who repulses him.
Orcus sings—Air—"Woodman spare that Tree."
My good man, spare thy knee.
Make not one single bow,
Tlw youth won't shelter thee,
I mean to have you now!
I've a conveyance here at hand
To take you from this spot—
My good man, you'd better stand.
Your axe-ings touch me not!
[Enter Alceshs, from the House, she advances majestic-
ally down the stage, and stands between them.
Ale. Hey I Hoity-toity, what on earth's the matter.
That in the public street you make a clatter ?
[To Adm.) Explain, what means this? how the ninny
quakes;
Till now I always thought him " no great shakes."
Adm. Why I've discovered in our empty till
A disability to pay his bill;
Can't settle the account: and so you see
Must go to the account which sectles me.
Ore. (aside) To curb my rising love I idly tries,
I eyes the idol that I idolize I
10
Ale. (to Ore.) Good Mr. Death, find something else
to do,
Than suing one who is not worth a sou.
Adm. At least a moment sufier me to lag.
To cram a few things in a carpet bag.
[OrcMS signifies in the negative.
A hair and tooth brush in a sae-de nuit.
Ore. I'm very sorry, but it cannot be;
Such things you'll find no use for, though you may, sir.
When so low, be glad p'rhaps of a raiser.
Adm. My plaintive tears your hands bedew, you see.
Ore. You may be dew, indeed are due to me.
And so a-dieu to life.
Adm. Yet hear me.
Ore. Nay:
I want no prayers, I only claim my prey.
You've but one chance—a poor one—can you find
A greater fool than you are, who's inclined
To take your place, and in your stead to go?
I'll wait for you another year or so.
Adm. You're very good—I've tried it on, but most of
My friends don't seem disposed to be disposed of
At such a sacrifice: my father e'en.
Though in a green old age, was not so green.
But instantly the proposition fiouted.
And mother didn't seem to care about it.
How true, that when misfortune overtake us.
The whole ' Society of Friends' are Quakers.
Ore. Yet, why thus the inevitable step shun?
I'll promise you below a warm reception.
Adm. Yes, but your warmth I fear's all of the wrong
sort.
( To Ale.) Have you no voiee, dear, for your mourning
eonsort 9
Ale. What can I urge? yet stay, I've half a mind
To do the heroine! {to Ore.) suppose I were inclined
To close with you.
11
Ore. I've no time for supposing,
I am an advocate for ' early elosing.'
Ale. Well, since he hasn't pluck then to go through it.
My mind's made up—never say die—I'll do it I
Ore. You'll take his place ; that's odd.
Ale. 'Tis even so.
Adm. I'm stupified!
Ale. You had'nt far to go.
Ore. Well, I embrace your oflTer.
Adm. (to Ale.) And I you.
My tears resolve themselves into a-dieu.
Alcestis, love, I cannot find the heart
With one so captivating e'er to part!
Ale. I may be captivating, but Death stronger
Will not be hept-a-vaiting any longer.
Adm. Go, then; and, better to indulge my grief,
I'll fetch another pocket handkerchief.
[Exit Admetus into the House.
Ore. (to Ale.) You're ready ?
Ale. How are we to go, old chap ?
Ore. Oh! never fear, I drive you in my trap.
Ale. I must go packing down your trap, and so
You'll let me pack up my traps ere I go?
And grant me a few minutes, I beseech.
For the delivery of my maiden speech.
'Tis usual.
Ore. I'll give you in that case.
If it is meet, say half-an-hour's graee.
[Exit Orcus. (l. h.)
Ale. 'Tis done, the very ferry boat I see.
And Charon, who's to take such care on me.
E'en now in fancy I'm across the Styx,
And now I'm nothing, literally Niek's.
Alcestis sings.—Air—"The Waterman."
For, of comse you have heard of that jolly old waterman,
A^o o'er Styx is accustomed to ply—
He feathers his oars with much skill and dexterity.
Rowing the parties who're going to die.
12
He looks out so sharp, and he reckons so steadily,
That none can escape, go they ne'er so unreadily:
And he eyes all us gds with so greedy an air.
That this waterman ne'er g^ves a chance to a. fair.
Am—"Nix my dolly."
In the boat of that old muff I am home,
^There a premature widow I sit forlorn,
[2b orchestra.'] Scrape away!
My noble husband, now, I dare say,
Tmnks he's nothing to do but cut capers gay,
While Nick my body will take away,
Nick my body will take away.
But I don't so much care, for some fine day
Folks will dub me a heroine, I dare say
In a play,
And I as a martyr shall chronicled be.
As the heroine gpreat of some trage-dee;
So Nick my body may take away,
Nick my body may take away!
\_Exit Alcestis into the House.
[Polax is heard outside, (l. h.)
Polax. Move on, there! don't stand blocking up the
street.
[Enter, (l. h.) he is habited in a classic dress, with the ex-
ception of his hat, cape, and staff, which are those of a
modern policeman.]
I've ventured a few yards beyond my beat;
The fact is that I can't withstand the looks
Of Phoedra, handsomest of all plain cooks.
Romeo's soliliquy to slightly vary,
I do remember an approximate arey.
And thereabouts she dwells, a thrifty elf.
On seven pounds a year, and finds herself
In tea and sugar, from which fact I'm led
To fear my Phoedra is n't over-fed.
In her small kitchen dries a reindeer's tongue
Suspended from a hook, and by it hung
Are other ill-made dishes; on the drawers, sirs,
A beggarly account of cups and saucers.
13
With earthen pots and pans; while in the dresser
She keeps the love-letters I write her—bless her!
Remnants of finery—a half-knitted cufi*,
And that peculiar substance, kitchen stuff,
Composed of candle ends—indeed whate'er
The family inconveniently can't spare.
Her Sunday bonnet too, although I doubt
She doesn't often get a Sunday out I
Song.—PoLAx—Aia " RutnpH Bumpti.^'
I'm monarch of all I smwey,
My will there is none dare dispute,
From street organ and image boy's tray,
To the bag-pipes and cracked German Flute.
If apple-woman dare me to annoy.
Vending oranges, apples, or pears.
There is nothing I so much enjoy.
As to pop on her wares—unawares!
Although I object to street fights.
And vote burglary rather a bore.
On a boy half my size I delights
To exert the strong arm of the law—
For I'm monarch, &c.
And, if 1 don't mistake, the house is here ;
At any rate, IH try it {calls) Phoedra, dear!
(Fhoidra appears at the area gate, opens it, and comes down.)
Phoedra. Who calls so loud ?
Polax. One who's allowed to call.
Phoedr. Why make a rout, then, when you give a bawl?
Pol. Phoedra, I have observed of late, with pain.
Your constant swaying from your constant swain.
And, though I do not wish to be censorious—
Phced. What ? You are jealous, are you ? This is
glorious I
Pol. I don't half like those Sunday evening walks—
Phced. But you can't think how prettily he talks!
Pol. Flattery's his profession—I see through it—
He's bred to butter, and of course he'll do it.
A cook should be a cook, not a coquette.
Phced. I don't intend to give it up though yet.
14
Song.—Phcedra—Air " I'm aJUxU."
I'm a flirt, Fm a flirt, yet on thirty's bright side.
And numbers have offered to make me meir bride;
Yet though suitors don't flag in attention to me,
I'm a flirt, I'm a flirt, and my hand is yet free!
I turn up my nose at the gent and young lord.
Though by their attentions I'm eonstantly bored;
And ne'er as a wife at the altar I'll kneel.
While my eyes carry fire, and my heart remains steel!
In all that I do, I consult my own mind.
And I warrant I leave all the slow girls behind;
For, though puppies don't flag, no, nor waver, you see,
I'm a flirt, I'm a flirt and my hand yet is free
But since you take to schooling others, pray sir.
What has detained you such a time away, sir ?
I haven't seen you for a week.
Pol.^ So long ?
Come—not a week—that's coming it too strong,—
But by you—anything you please—I vow—
Phced. Your vows are not the slightest matter now;
A pretty state your pretty protestations
Have brought me to—with such acts I've no patience.
The fire you kindled in my breast forsaking,
You've put out now, sir, by your constant raking,
Pol. Nay, you mistake, nought can my ardour change.
Phced. Such fire comes not within my kitchen range
Of intellect, so best at once we part.
Pol. Nay, let me follow suit dear to your heart.
Phced. But I prefer another, therefore, sir,
I must discard the suit which you pr^er.
Who are a shuffler and a double dealer.
Pol. (kneeling.) Hear the appeal of an appealing
' Peeler.'
Phced. Nonsense! your useless courtship better
cease, man.
Pol. Be not a ' crusher' to your fond policeman !
See, here I kneel, the picture of despair I
Phced. Picture by Constable, extremely rare I
Pol. Nay, cruel Phcedra, hear me, do you choose
My head should illustrate some Grecian noose ?
15
Yes, yes, since you of pity know no sense.
Better at once be hanged than in suspense;
A cord will sweetly end my mind's distraction.
Phced. In legal phrase, < a-cord and satisfaction.'
Pol. But hearken, my death at your door I'll lay.
Phaed. Then in the morning 'twill be swept away.
Pol. And can you laugh ? I'll stab myself, and go
A groaning ghost down to the shades below !
Phced. Poor ghost! you'll stab yourself, and be, of
course,
la-qteelre of the stab-pou-\a.rv force.
Pol. Look kindly on me—I'll be evermore
Your constant swain.
Phced. You'd be a constant bore.
Pol. But to be plain with you—
Phaed, That's no great feat,
You must be p/atn with everyone you meet.
Pol. Oh! look not on my form with too much rigour,
I'm real good although at a low figure;
Nay, hear my suit.
Phced. Each word your chance, sir, lessens.
What? try a suit on in a lady's presence!
Pot. Why this rough treatment at your hands ?
Phaed. Oh—stuff—
'Tis the chaps like you on them that makes them rough!
Pol. Why, Phoedra, because once I chance to fail.
Jump at conclusions, take o-fifenee and rail!
Phced. (^giving her hand) Well, there I that I was
hasty, I confess.
Pol. And you will yet be Mrs, Polax ?
Phced. Yes.
Pol. O happinesss! alas I my duty tears
Me from thee to my rounds upon the Squares;
Yet, one kiss on that cheek before I quit.
Phced. I wonder you've the cheek to ask for it!
Pol. 'Tis but to sign our bargain.
Phced. Sign it ? Pooh!
I'll pwt my hand to it, if that will do.
( Offers to slap his face.)
16
Pol. You'll make your mark, you mean ? No; when
you write,
The down strokes of your round hand are not light.
Phoed. There then (he kisses her J.
Pol. If e'er were day of rapture this is!
So now I'm off.
Phced. Oh! goodness gracious, missis I
[Alcestis appears at the top of the door steps, with two
children in either hand, and comes down.
Exit Polax, (l.h.)
Ale. Phoedra, inform me truly, if you can,
Who is that very free and rude young man ?
Phoed. (hesitcding) Why, if you please, that's—
Ale, No prevarication I
Phoed. My cousin.
Ale. That's a very old relation.
Don't think with cousins though to cozen me.
Phoed. Then, he's my husband, please, as is to be,
A young policeman.
Ale. Then my scoldings cease.
All petticoats are caught by the Pellise.
Now go in-doors, I'm going to speak, you see.
The regular classical soliloquy.
[Exit Phoedra into the house.']
[Alcestis advances vnth the two children.]
(Oh! sun, and moon, and stars! oh day and night!
Oh every thing above an inch in height I.
Oh Day ! as black as black of Day and Martin,
To what infernal realms must I be starting I
lOh bed!—beg pardon—nuptial couch, I mean,
'Twere green though to regret now Gretna Green,
Else might I ask, were not the question idle,
Why was I ever saddled with this bridal ?
Or why—but these, alas, are whys too late—
Did I with such a milksop link my fate ?
Why at the altar did we join our hands ?
Why Hymen e'er unite us in his bands.
17
Those bat^ which ne'er have |dayed the heatn/ units,
A-tnerry-hey in our united states ?
Why was my heart to be with sach a spoony un,
A wretched picture of a poor heart union ?
For life with him was nothing but a curse,
And though I took him ' for better or for worse,'
The world can't surely wonder I forsook him, for
I found him such a deal worse than I took him for.
(Oh parent hemrtb I oh earth, air, fire, and water!
Oh son in petticoats and unmarried daughter!
What's to become of you when nay sun sets,
Props of my house—may say, par-a-petsl
They say that beauty's but a snare, if true,
They'll be caught in it who are cowling you ;
But rather may your grace, bewitching naivete,
And noble carriage be a handsome's safety.*
My Eumelus, too, who is to insert
The missing button in his baby shirt
When I am gone ? or who supply the stitches
That may be wanting in his infant trousers ?
And when in youth his jacket he outwears.
And sows his wild oats, who's to sow his tares ?
And is't for this I've led the virtuous life
Of tender mother and affectionate wife ?)
And I should add, obedient daughter too.
But that I might, in a strict point of view,
Account myself an orphan, for so sddom
My parents were apparent till hell held 'em,
(Foigive the monosyllable, sweet ladies,
I meant but Tartarus, or the dassic Hades)
That I'd no time to aggravate Mama,
Or make my Pa my foe by a faux pas !
I might on this sad theme expatiate,
But dying so soon I've no time to di-late:
tSo I have done—another observation
Would be entire supererogation.
* Other ideas for mine 1 ecom to grab.
But *handsome's safety' must be owned—a cab.
18
My life, 'Us clear, no words of mine can save.
And I must pass at once from * gay to grave ! '
That bourne from which each traveller bom soon learns
T' expect' small profits and no quick returns.'
1 must descend; egad, I can't hdp thinking
E'en now I 'gin to feel a sort of sinking;
I'll show them though how well real good stufi* dies.
No woman tears sh^ dim my closing eyes,
I'll not e'en Idt off"' one of my owe
Ore. Be quick and die.
Ale. Why, don't you know, you dunce,
Nobody can be quick and dead at once ?
Ore. You're humming me, or must excuse my hum-
ming
The popular words,' You are a good time coming.'
Oscus sings.—Air—' My skiff is on the shore.'
My trap is in the floor,
And waiting for thee:
I can't allow no more.
You must travel with me;
And as we're sinking down my song shall be
My dearest Alcestis I love but thee?
Ale. sings. Yes I fear you're got me now
You're got me now—^you're got me now,
So I don't intend to mak^e a row,
But must recondled be.
Soth. ^ trap is in the floor
Ale. c Whatever you please for if s nothing to me!
Or. \ My dearest Alcestis I love but thee!
[They have been standing upon trap c during the above, and
grmually descendingi^hey «»A:.]
And waiting for |
19
\Enter AsxesVBfrom the howse.']
Adm. Woe! woe! in yain X weep, my tears will flow,
And I can't stop tbese coursers with my woe.
She was a pattern to her sex, I doubt
Ere this tiie Styx has washed the pattern out!
Her laugh, so merry In the days of yore.
Will never echo through the building more;
That airy footfidl hushed will plainly tell
How Death from me has wrung my cnry belle !
And, dull as is a rainy Vauxhall fete.
My fate will now become, I calculate;
But I'm prepared, do with me as you will. Fate,
Vauxhall is nothing to my Rush-of-Ulfate !
Ah 1 who comes here ? not Hercules sure, is it ?
[Enter Hercules, l.h.]
Here, I've just dropped In to pay a flying visit:
My leave of absence laks but a few days,
And I've no time for any waste in stays.
In fact, I'm going to astound the neighbours.
By the recital of my dozen labours.
Song—Hercules^—Air, "Paddy Miles."
I am Hercules, femed for my deeds and my labours,
Wife honours a trump tiumlng up at a rtib.
For skying my foes and assisting my neighbours
By tne aid of this ' Juvenile TSavellers' Club'!
Although Fm apprenticed to one called Eurysfeeus,
And Doimd to perform whatever he sets;
Yet he finds all his dodges are not of fee least use,
For his driest of tasks but my appetite whets!
When first in my cradle and counted a sucklmg.
Two snakes tied around me their 'Knotting em Ttcist,'
But I twisted their neeks like a pair of young ducklings.
And arrested their streng^ by fee streng^ of my wrist.
A friend had a nice little property formerly.
But a lion uyon it there nappened to be:
Straight I followed my bent—^tnoi^h that seems an anomaly,
And hided fee lion whose hide now hides me!
20
The stag of Diana I hunted a Icmg while.
O'er mountains, hills, valleys, mmns, rivers, and rocks:
His loi^ running aeeount I soon oalanoed in strong style,
For Istaggrared Oxe stag, and unsettled his stocks!
For Augeas ^t stoife improvement I vnought too.
That to modernized Smithfield I &in Would apply,
But—^the rest of my laboms old <^d has taught you,
And Lmupriere's Classical Dictionary 1
Adm. (aside) I must dissemble, (aloud) Sir, you
haven't dined.
Here. I'll pick a bit with you, you're very kind.
But how b this, Admetus, my frivolity
You don't receive with your accustomed jollity.
Adm. Well, since you must know all, thb day my
wife
Was by a rough artist taken from the life;
'Twas Death, and the original b hb.
Her. I see the illustration by your phiz ;
But since I know of this, my friend, for grub
I'll not annoy you, but dine at my club.
Adm. Excuse me, I won't hear of your departure.
To friendship I prefer to be a martyr;
So you shall stay, we'll make you up a bed.
Here. You're very good; and is she really dead ?
Adm. Extremely so.
Here. Since such, then, is the fact.
Tell us, Admetus, how d'ye mean to act ?
Adm. I'm at my wite' ends.
Here. I dare say you are.
(Aside) That little territory don't go far.
(AUmd) But don't be shut up, what b to be done, man ?
Adm. I'll be shut up, and in my mansion shun man f
Yes, live on bread-and-water for a year,
Dbcourse with no one, nobody shall dare
To offer the most trivial observation.
Or volunteer a word of consolation;
I'll taste no wine till on my bier I'm stretched.
And every one about me shall be wretched !
21
Here. Amiable mourner! it is quite appalling
To see a rising chap like you so chap-fallen,
So I'll appease my hunger with a snack,
As you proposed, then start off in a crack.
And do my best to bring Aloestis back!
Song—Hercules—Air—' Cavalier.'
Like a dutifiil knight,
I'll set off honour bright,
When my hunger and uiirst I have stayed.
And this gay devil here.
Very small shall appear.
As the lady I seek, sir, and aid!
For 111 soon let him know
Tis a word and a blow.
Or two blows and no words with me;
And I ne'er will give o'er.
Till old Oreus I floor.
And have made Alcestis free!
If he entertain thought
Which he didn't to ought.
And not at all becoming his age,
I'U eng^e, never fear,
HeU give up such idea.
And his passion will yield to my rage
So, wiser by fer,
You'U light up a cigar
, And go home—leave the matter to me.
To the lady I slopes.
Soon to lead her, I hopes.
And restore her ere long to thee!
Adm. You're very kind, but the attempt is vain.
She is a loss I ne'er shall see a^gain.
Here. Don't be too sure of that, I yet may save her;
I first shall put it to him as a favour.
Should he refuse her restoration hither,
I must oblige him to oblige me with her.
Adm. You cannot mean—
Here. That I must Orcus drub.
And from my strong hand play my winning club ;
22
I'll polish him, I warrant.
Adm. What ? in fight ?
IJerc. In fight ? how else ? d'ye think those noodles
right,
Who with a sanctimonioufi visage go forth
To preach the polished arts of Peace, and so forth ?
To me such notions are entirely foreign;
Polish of Peace! for polish I try ' Warrinff.'
So now I'm oflT, I'll not be long away,
' My soul's in arms,' et cetera, good day!
\_Exit Hercules into the house.']
Admetus sings.—Air—^ Jolly Nose.'
Goodness knows what I suffer to think of the grip
That old Orcus has laid on my deary:
Though for doing as she did and missing my lip,
I'm, I calculate, rather too leary!
Goodness knows when I look at myself in the glass
I am struck with the sad recollection
Of how plump I was once—^now, sir, brought to a pass
Of thi^ess which won't bear reflection 7
When I think of my lass I all comfort refiise.
And repudiate all consolation,—
I'm a prey to the most undeniable blues.
And the wretchedest dog in creation!
Some say she was easy put out, but I'm quite
Sure me blockheads Imew nothing about her;
Now, she's put out, and with her is put out de-light.
For I live but in darkness without her! '
Within the house I must bewail my bride,
For such deep sighs as mine can't be out-sighed.
{Enter 'Phaedra angrily from the house.]
How dare you, Phoedra, rudely thus intrude
Upon the widowed mourner's solitude ?
Peace and begone!
Phoed. No peace, sir, you will find.
Until you've heard a small piece of my mind :
I've lived with you, when Monday next appears.
As maid of all work and no play, three years;
23
And, though my saying it may p'rhaps seem funny,
You wouldn't find a better at the money;
I've served in many families, but must say
Never was served as I have been to-day ;
And if it is repeated, some fine morning
Give you fair warning, I shall give you warning!
^dm. This everlasting rattle, prythee, cease, ")
And tell us calmly what's the matter, please. ^
Phned, Oh! it's that friend of yours, that Hercules, J
That warrior in undress uniform.
Since he came in has done nothing else but storm.
Not only walks into our house and stops.
But also walks into our mutton chops,
With such a twist as gave me quite a turn.
Adm. But what's your special grievance ?
Pkoed. You shall learn:
First, he informs me that the meat is spoiled.
Then finds the vegetables overboiled;
' Service is no inheritance,' then where's
The use of giving us poor servants airs 9
Adm. He seems to make no bones.
Phced. No bones ? The glutton
Has nothing made but bones of our cold mutton !
If he comes here for supper, I'll grow bolder
And show him—
Adm. That's right—show him the cold shoulder.
Phced. And I must add, after a loss so recent
Such conduct is especially indecent.
Adm. Nay, he's our friend at bottom.
Phced. Then, would he
Were our friend at the bottom of the sea.
However, he is gone, and there's an end on't.
But if he comes again, I go, depend on't.
Sings.—Air—
Phcedra. That I'm a menial I'm aware, sir.
And with such term must e'en live branded,
But, if you go too far, prepare, sir.
For a blow up, for I won't stand it.
24
Phoedra now—don't make a row,
"Why put yourself out of humour?
Don't dear, now!
It's little I get in shape of wages.
And with such as it is, I'm quite contented;
But whoever puts upon me I en^^s
Great or small he shall repent it!
Phoedra now—don't make a row.
Why put yourself out of humour ?
Don't dear, now!
(Voices are heard outside in altercation, then enter Her-
cules with Alcestis veiled, Orcus following, L.H.^
Ore, Well there, I give her up then, since it seems
You must be thwarting all my little schemes.
Here. Admetus, do you know this lady veiled ?
Adm. With hope and fear at once I am assailed:
It must be she, and yet I own it's puzzling
Her features to distinguish through the muslin;
Pluck off that envious veil, nay, wherefore pause ?
' It is the gauze, my soul, it is the gauze'
Must plead excuse for me, the only test is,
Thus to remove it—yes, it is Alcestis I
(He removes the veil—Alcestis faints.)
With sudden joy her senses have gone from her,
Who'll put a full stop to this fearful eoma ?
Is it a swoon, or nothing but a feint ?
Alas I I fear she's dead !
(Alcestis recovering). You're wrong, I ain't.
Adm, Ah ! she revives! (to Here.) and did you win
her?
Ale, Pooh!
Of course I'm won, and now I'm coming to,
(Phaedra hm fetched the children from the home ; Alcestis
embraces her and them,)
Ale. My own dear Phoedra! and my blessed children I
This sudden happiness is quite bewildering I
Ore, It's very well for you, but I've been treated
Most shamefully indeed, I may say cheated.
Adm.
Phoedra.
Adm.
25
Here. Well, if you fed agriered at this my action,
I'll give you every sort satisfaction—
Pistol, sword, single stick—though there are few
Who'd like to cross the single Styx wfth you.
Ore. No I No! of kicks and cuffs I've had my fill!
You are a knight—' knocks et prseterea nil,'
Indeed they are as terrible, an error
'Twere scarce to call you son of Nex and Terra.
Besides, I know in spite of all that's passed.
They're pretty sure to come to me at last!
[^EfOer Apollo, r.h,]
Apol. I've just looked in in time to wish you joy.
Why, Orcus, you don't look as well, old boy.
As when we parted, scarce an hour ago!
But, not to further snub a fallen foe.
There is my hand, you'll take it in good part.
And let our quarrel drop ?
Ore. With all my heart
And now you must excuse me if I go,
I've urgent business in the shades below.
Apol. Well, if you must, farewell I and for myself, I
Am going to my own shades, those at-DelphL
IJBnter Polax, l.h.]
Polax. I fear to enter or to interfere
In so much happiness, but, Phoedra, dear.
You'll pardon me in venturing to express.
With due apology for suddenness,
A hope, since things are in this happy state.
You'll not with me decline to eonjttgale.
Phoedra, do but consent to be my wife.
And hear my plan of happiness through life.
So we'll to sil a pair of ^ttems jog!
Phced, A. pair of patterns? ■v^eX't\i\ieiaox>ds&elog9
Ale. A truce to badxnage, for, to say sooth,
Whatever's bad-in-age is worse in youth.
Phoed. I must take time to think on't, I don't know-
But a proposal does come apropos.
26
Tomorrow you 111 with an answer favour,
Till then must waive reply.
PoJax, Nay, it were safer
To sea/ it with a kiss, and not a waiver.
Ak, Come, kiss him, Phcedia, why a grievance make
it?
You know you like it.
Phoe. Well then he may take it.
Pel. That's better.
[Kisset her—the gentiy hoxet hit eart.
Phced, Mind, sir, I said ' take,' not' snatch!'
Pol. Your tinder-box assures me tre're a match.
Ale, That's settled ^n, and as delays I hate.
The marriage contract shall be drawn up straight.
Adm. Yes, that's all very well, but you'll amnit
We must get these kind friends to witness it;
The document is valueless, of course
Unless it bear the seal of their applause.
Ale. (to audience) Our story's finbhed, and our
trouble ends here:
But should the approbation of our friends here
Nerve us to re-enact our fancied sorrow.
We'll but adjourn it till this time to-morrow I
Admetus sings—Air—' Trab Trab.'
So now our story's told, sirs,
And youH not ftil to see
With our author we've made bold, sirs,
Less welcome pr'aps than free!
Yet, as we're evanescent.
And Euripides will stay.
Let our insect life be pleasant—
We but ask to live a cby.— So
dw, clap, clap, clap, lustily,
dap, clap, mp, mp away!
Orcus sings—Air 'Rosin the Beau.'
I have been most dbgnstinuly cheated.
Most shamelessly wamemily used,
But I'm ready to nave it repeated
If by it youll say you're amused!
If by it, &c.
2?
ApOtLo sings^Am—'iVbff piu Mesfa.'
S(Hne few misters can't abide to laugh
At whaf 8 correct end dasocal, ,
Or give to whaf s too sad by half
A tenninatnm &n»caL
To such a critic I would say,
As those who work most best can ]^ay,
So, Fd invite them to reflect
That, after all there may be
Such t^g as gravity incorrect.
And without the grave-y.
Then why your feelings tluuw away
On a fictitious sorrow P
Nor weep for othmrs' woes to-day.
You may have cause to-morrow 1
JUm PoOta.
AU. Then let the curtain fall,
A fiiir good night to alL!
Ale. Our troubles are over, sufferings aU ended.
Frown not, nor turn our pleasures into pain;
More than once ere this your kindness 1^ he-
friended
TTim who now asks that indulgence again!
AU. Then let the curtain &11, &c.
THE CURTAIN FALLS.
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