so PLr^VYS £XCHA.NG£0. 
 
 t3 CDITIoN' 
 PL7\Y3 
 
 nuW THE CLUB WAS 
 FORMED 
 
 Price, 15 Cents 
 
 COPYRIGHT, 1889. BY WALTER H. BAKER & CO^ 
 
Class :Elk3^ 
 Book . Z>9 Q - 
 
 Copyright}!^. 
 
 . .4- 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 
 
How the Club Was Formed 
 
 An Entertainment in Three Scenes 
 
 By 
 
 O. W. GLEASON 
 
 Author of^^A Modern Sewing Society^'* ^^How 
 the Story Grew^^ etc. 
 
 BOSTON 
 
 WALTER H. BAKER & CO. 
 
 1909 
 
How the Club Was Formed 
 
 < 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mrs. Jones. 
 Mrs. Brown. 
 Mrs. Snow. 
 Hannah Maria. 
 Mrs. Reed. 
 Mrs. Perkins. 
 Mrs. Smith. 
 Mrs. White. 
 Mrs. Slocum. 
 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 Mrs. 
 
 Higgins. 
 Stone. 
 Rice. 
 Martin. 
 
 HOBBS. 
 
 Shaw. 
 Turner. 
 Spring. 
 Welch. 
 
 Costumes. — Old-fashioned and countrified. In Scene III 
 an attempt to be very dressy and citified should be made. The 
 more ludicrous the better. 
 
 Time. — About one hour and a half. 
 
 Copyright, 1909, by Walter H. Baker & Co. 
 
 TMP92-00926i 
 
How the Club Was Formed 
 
 SCENE I. — Mrs. Jones' kitchen. Mrs. Jones ironing at 
 table. Near by is a clothes frame filled with nicely ironed 
 clothes. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. There, thank goodness I've got the last of this 
 ironing done ! Mercy on me, it's nothing but work, work, 
 work ! Same old thing week in, week out. Get up in the 
 morning at five o'clock ; slave yourself all day long either wash- 
 ing, ironing, cooking or scrubbing, then when night comes go 
 to bed as tired as a dog. I declare I'm sick to death with it 
 all. {Puts away ironing utensils.) Well, it's no use fretting. 
 I s'pose I orter be thankful instead of complaining, but it's 
 purty tough, purty tough ! 
 
 {Rap at door. Mrs. Jones opens it and admits Mrs. Erown.) 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Good-morning, Mrs. Jones, Hard at work, I 
 suppose, same as ever. You're such a masterhand to dig. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, we women folks all are, I should say. 
 Yes, I've just finished my week's ironing and am now going 
 down cellar to skim milk so as to be ready for to-morrow's 
 churning. I was just saying to myself when you came in that 
 we women folks get mighty little fun out of life. Did you 
 ever think of it, Mrs. Brown ? 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Did I ever ? Of course I have. I've thought 
 on't for a good many years, but I hain't said anything about it. 
 We don't never do nothing in this village. Now the men folks 
 go down-town to the store in the evening and spin their yarns 
 and crack their jokes, while we stay at home and mend their 
 stockings most likely. I say it's a downright shame. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Of course it is, and it makes me hopping mad 
 every time Jonas goes out of that door and starts for the village. 
 1 know he's going down to Smith's store to have a real good 
 time ; not that I begrudge it to him, but I want to go some- 
 wheres myself. 
 
4 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Of course we can go to church and Sunday- 
 school, and I s'pose the men folks think that is enough for us. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, I don't know as I care much what the 
 men folks think. Ihey are a selfish lot, at best. Sunday 
 comes just once in seven days, and I want to go somewhere or 
 do something between times. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, I'm sure I feel just the same about it 
 as you do, but 1 don't know what we can do about it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Neither do I, but I get a grain of comfort 
 talking it over, even if it don't amount to anything. 
 
 {Rap at door. Mrs. Jones admits Mrs. Snow.) 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Good-morning, Mrs. Jones ; why, you here, 
 Mrs. Brown ? I was going by and thought I'd just run in and 
 sit a while with Mrs. Jones. I'm awfully glad you're here, for 
 now I can kill two birds with one stone, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Yes, I'm here. I came over to borrow some 
 vinegar to eat on my dandelion greens that I dug this morning, 
 but Mrs. Jones and I got to talking and I really forgot to ask 
 about it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Land sakes ! You hadn't said one word 
 about vinegar, and I ain't been very perlite for I hain't even 
 asked you to sit down ; but now that Mrs. Snow has come in 
 let's all sit down and take our ease for a few moments. I guess 
 it atnounts to as much as to work all the time. 
 
 {All sit.) 
 
 Mrs. Brown, Yes, I s'pose it does. We were just saying, 
 Mrs. Snow, when you came in, how hard we women worked 
 and how little we got out of it. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, I s'pose we do work purty hard, and 
 land knows / get little enough out of it. I asked Silas this 
 morning for some money to buy me a new calico gown, and if 
 he didn't tell me that 'twas coming summer and I could go 
 without one. Howsomever, I married Silas Snow; and as 
 the saying is, I made my bed and I s'pose I must lie in it, even 
 if he is mighty mean and close. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, my Jonas don't tell me such things as 
 that. There'd be a row if he did, and he knows what that 
 means. No, Jonas lets me have my share of the money. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, Mrs. Jones, everybody knows that you 
 and Jonas get on together all right. She's a real fortunate 
 woman ; don't you think so, Mrs. Brown ? 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 5 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Yes, I do; but if some other women of my 
 acquaintance had a httle more spunk and vim to 'em, no Silas 
 Snow would order them about as they do. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Well, there's no use crying over spilt milk, as 
 the saying is. 1 ain't going to have any words with Silas; I'll 
 go without any clothes first. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, do as you think best about it, Mrs. 
 Snow, and it's a good thing you can always find some old 
 saying to comfort you. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Land o' massy, had you noticed that? Han- 
 nah Maria, Silas' oldest gal by his first wife, is always a-flinging 
 it up to me. She says it makes me seem countrified and out- 
 landish, but some way I can't seem to break myself of it. 
 What's born in the bone can't be beat out of the flesh, as the 
 saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Hannah Maria has been visiting up to the 
 city, hain't she ? When's she coming home? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Oh, she came yesterday morning, and she had 
 a real good time. You'd orter hear her tell about it. She 
 was on the go all the time, but I tell her that a rolling stone 
 gathers no moss, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I declare for't. I wish / had been with 
 Hannah Maria. We were just wishing, Mrs. Brown and me, 
 when you came in, that we had some place to go to, instead of 
 sticking so everlastingly at home. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Why, how you talk ! I s'posed you were 
 perfectly contented and happy. I don't see why you shouldn't 
 be. Where did you think you wanted to go? Anywhere in 
 particular? Do tell me. Confession is good for the soul, as 
 the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. That's just the trouble. We w^;//some place 
 to go. Where did Hannah Maria ^o when slie was in Boston ? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Oh, I can't tell you. Her Aunt Jane belongs 
 to a club and she went to the meetings with her, and to the 
 teas and entertainments. I guess that club has something go- 
 ing on all the time. I guess they think a bird in the hand is 
 worth two in the bush, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs.' Brown. I've hearn tell of these clubs, but I don't 
 know much what they are like. I s'pose Hannah Maria knows 
 all about them. 
 
 {Rap at door.) 
 Mrs. Jones. I wonder who that can be. 
 
6 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 (She rises y but Hannah Maria oJ>e7is the door a?id enters.) 
 
 Hannah Maria. Good-morning, Mrs. Brown. Good- 
 morning, Mrs. Jones. Why, you here, maw ! Really now, I 
 didn't know you had left our vine and fig-tree to grace those 
 of the neighbors. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, I'm here; but I didn't know we had any 
 fig-tree, nor any vine that was worth anything, for that matter. 
 What are you talking about, anyway? You do beat all, Han- 
 nah Maria. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. I guess you learned all that fine talk down 
 to Boston, didn't you, Hannah Maria? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Of course, at Aunt Jane's I met only the 
 best educated and most cultured people, don't you know? 
 Now that I have returned to my rural home I suppose my con- 
 versation will seem strange, and I may not be, at all times, 
 appreciated. Nevertheless, if I can be the means of bringing 
 about a social revolution among the women of my native town, 
 I shall not think that the opportunities I have had thrown in 
 my way for the past few weeks have been lost, don't you 
 know ? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. There now, what do you think of that ? 
 Hasn't Hannah Maria learned something? She only stayed 
 five weeks with her Aunt Jane and just hear her talk ! She 
 talks a good deal more glib than Parson Nichols himself. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, I should say she did. Your mother 
 says that your Aunt Jane belonged to a stick — no, club. Do 
 tell us what 'twas like. I hain't any idea what they do or say 
 at one. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Nor I neither. She that was Martha Doo- 
 little had a brother whose wife's cousin belonged to one, and 
 she says they are dreadfully stylish among the women nowa- 
 days. 
 
 Hannah Maria. I will try to enlighten your ignorance, 
 ladies. To begin with, a Woman's Club is the most soul satis- 
 fying institution that exists on this mundane sphere. The ladies 
 meet and choose one for a president, another for a vice-presi- 
 dent, and another for a treasurer. 'I'hen tliey have three or 
 four that are the board of directors. Aunt Jane is a board of 
 director. Then they have a — well, lots of other officers, don't 
 you know ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. What do they do after they have all the 
 officers picked out ? 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 7 
 
 Hannah Maria. Well, they Oh, they have meetings 
 
 of course, and wear such beautiful dresses. Oh, some of the 
 ladies at Aunt Jane's club had just the dandiest dresses ! 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Now, Hannah Maria, I wouldn't say dandiest. 
 It don't sound real ladylike to me. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Which goes to show conclusively, and 
 without a doubt, that you are not up to dale, maw, don't you 
 know ? 
 
 Mrs. Brown. What do they do after they have got to the 
 club with all their finery on ? Do they tell stories, talk about 
 their neighbors, or what? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Oh, they have such perfectly ravishing 
 compositions that they read. No, 1 should say essays. Then 
 after that they have something they call currant invents, but I 
 never quite understood what it was. Oh, but they were real 
 sweet ! 
 
 Mrs. Jones. What was it, something to eat? I have heard 
 of currant wine, currant jell and currant sass, but I don't know 
 as I ever hearn tell of currant invents. 
 
 Hannah Maria. What a benighted mind ! It wasn't any- 
 thing to eat. It was something to refresh the mind with, some- 
 thing to awaken the intellect, so they said, don't you know? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Well, I do' know but what currant wine will do 
 that. Sometimes I think it does when your father gets down 
 a leetle more than common. But we'll let bygones be bygones, 
 as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. You hain't told us what they be. If 'twan't 
 anything to eat, what was it? Do tell us. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Why, each lady read a little piece from 
 a paper, a little clipping they called them. Oh, they were 
 so simply lovely ! They were all about Sicily, the fleet, the 
 inauguration, the Chinese, the Japanese and lots of others ; oh, 
 I should say quantities. Anyway, they were just as sweet and 
 educational as they could be. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Go on, Hannah Maria ; I am just as interested 
 as I can be. What else did they do ? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I'm wondering who the Cicely was they read 
 about. Mrs. White has a sister by that name that moved west. 
 I hope she hain't done anything improper and got her name in 
 the papers. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Oh, maw, I fear I shall never improve 
 your mind. Well, Mrs. Jones, after they had completed their 
 reading they all went, — no, I mean journeyed, — to the dining- 
 
8 HOW THE CLUB WAS fORM£D 
 
 room where they had such lovely things, — no, delicacies to eat. 
 That's what they called them, don't you know? 
 
 Mrs. Brown. What were they, and how were they made? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Oh, they were little teenty-weenty crack- 
 ers with something sweet in them. Then they had frozen stuff 
 that they called mouse, and lots of little candy. Sometimes 
 they have patties, but not often. Aunt Jane said they were 
 quite expensive. Oh, they always have something to ^r////^/ 
 punch or coffee. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Hannah Maria, I want to know if you drank 
 punch when you was to Boston? I don't have no opinion of 
 your aunt if she put temptation in your way. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I must say I don't think they have much to eat. 
 
 Hannah Maria. They don't call it anything to eat ; they 
 call it a spread. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, I should say it was a mighty poor 
 spread. I wouldn't make such a sprawl about nothing. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, what else, Hannah Maria? Do they 
 do anything else? 
 
 Hannah Maria. No, they go home after that, and talk it 
 over. At least that's what Aunt Jane did. She wondered how 
 much the ladies' dresses cost, who wrote their essays for them, 
 and said how sweet some looked and how homely others were. 
 'I'hen she talked about the spread, and said the punch was too 
 weak and the coffee too stro7ig. Some of the crackers were 
 musty, she said, and the frozen stuff was too sweet. Aunt Jane 
 says she enjoys talking over the meetings fully as well as at- 
 tending them. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, I don't know how the city folks look 
 at it, but I call it mighty poor manners to talk over your victuals 
 when you go a-visiting. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. There, I'm glad to hear you say so, for that's 
 just what I said to Hannah Maria ; but a prophet has no honor 
 in his own country, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria ; what would you have to 
 do X.0 forfn one of these 'ere clubs? I've a great notion of 
 trying to get up one among the women in this village. Do 
 you s'pose I could? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Oh, that would be perfectly splendid ! 
 I'll give you the advantage of the knowledge I gained in Boston 
 and assist you all I can. But what put such an idea into your 
 head ? Do you suppose the women will think they have time 
 to devote to club work ? You know it takes lots of time. 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 9 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, s'posing it does; we'll take lots of time 
 for it then. We may just as well do that as to slave all day 
 washing, ironing, baking, churning and scrubbing. 1 guess 
 we'll all be just as rich in the end. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, I for one would like to join something 
 or other, and if you'll get up a club I'll certainly join it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. My mind is fully made up, and everybody in 
 this village knows that when Samantha Jones starts in to do 
 anything something's doing. I'm going to get up a woman's 
 club if it takes a leg, so there 1 Will you be a member, Mrs. 
 Snow ? 
 
 ]\Irs. Snow. You know I'd have to ask Silas first, and I 
 don't know as he would think it would pay. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Oh, yes, you do have to pay to belong to 
 the club. Aunt Jane says you have to pay your annual dues 
 once a year. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Land sakes ! what on earth are annual dues, 
 and what do you have to pay anything to just meet around at 
 the neighbors' houses to talk a while for? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. There'll be no paying at the club I form, so 
 there. I'm not getting up clubs to make money. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Aunt Jane said they had to pay their 
 dues in order to have money with which to defray their 
 expenses, don't you know? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Oh, bosh, don't talk that highfalutin stuff to 
 me. It won't cost you a cent to belong, Mrs. Snow, and if I 
 were in your place I wouldn't say one word to Silas about it. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. You know the saying is not to let your left 
 hand know what your right one is doing, so after all I guess I 
 won't tell Silas. Yes, I'll jine your club. Howsomever you 
 mustn't say anything about it to your father, Hannah Maria. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Of course not. I never meddle with my 
 parents' affairs. You know I didn't approve of my father's 
 choice in selecting a second wife, but I trust I know my duty 
 now that you are my mother. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Well, I don't know but what I wish he had 
 looked further, but it's no use crying over spilt milk, as the 
 saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. We'll let you help us about getting up the 
 club, Hannah Maria, but you can't belong to it. You're too 
 young, and besides we ain't going to have any one but married 
 women in it, and good, sensible ones at that. 
 
 Hannah Maria. There were lots of ladies who were not 
 
10 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 null lied in Aunt Jane's club, not young ones, but about forty 
 or filty years old. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. For mercy sake I you don't mean to tell me 
 that they had old maids in their club? I shan't have any in 
 mine. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Why not, Mrs. Jones? I don't lay up any- 
 thing agin a woman just because she never got married. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Neither do 1, but can't they go gallivanting all 
 over the world ? Do they have a husband and young ones to 
 dig for? What do they want to belong to a club for when 
 they don't have to do washing, scrubbing and churning for a 
 living ? I tell you the okl maids have a mighty good time 
 nowadays. My club is for the downtrodden, married women. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, I think / was just as well off before I 
 married Silas, if I was an old maid, but I thought I'd marry 
 him, he seemed so set on it, and two heads are better than 
 one, if you know one is a cabbage head. 
 
 {All laugh.) 
 
 Mrs. Brown. You always hit the mark, Mrs. Snow. If 
 you'll get my vinegar I guess I'll go along. The young ones 
 will be home from school, and if dinner ain't ready there'll be 
 a pretty mess. 
 
 Mrs. Jones {getting vinegar'). I'm real glad you came 
 over, even if you did hinder me about getting my milk scum. 
 But I don't mind that, now that I am going to form a club. 
 You'll hear from me soon about it. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I'll go along with you, Mrs. Brown ; two is 
 company and three is a crowd, as the saying is. Are you 
 coming now, Hannah Maria ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. No, she ain't. Stay and spend the day with 
 me, Hannah Maria, and we'll talk over my new club. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Thank you. I shall be delighted to assist 
 you. I am so glad that an opportunity for elevating my sex 
 has opened up to me. I'll gladly help you in your charitable 
 work, don't you know? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Land, 'tain't no charitable work, for I ain't 
 going to give nothing to nobody. I just want some place to 
 go to, and I'll have it, too ! 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Good luck to yer, Mrs. Jones ! Come, Mrs. 
 Snow, I'm ready. [Exeiint Mrs. Brown and Mrs. Snow. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria, I ain't going to do an- 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 11 
 
 Other living thing this day until I get this club formed. Come 
 out into the spare room wliere we won't get broke in upon and 
 I'll get a pencil and paper and form a club. I'll have some- 
 wheres to go to or I'll know the reason why. \Both exeufit, 
 
 CURTAIN 
 
 SCENE II. — Mrs. Jones' spare room. Ladies discovered all 
 seated. Ladies all knitting, sewing or at work braiding 
 rags. 
 
 Mrs. Jones {rising and reading from a large sheet of 
 paper). " Neighbors and friends, when I sent you, each and 
 all, an invitation to be present at my domicile this P. m, you 
 little knew for what purpose you were to gather here. You 
 little knew that a new lease of life was being opened to your 
 view, as it were. You did not reaHze that we, the down- 
 trodden, the crushed, were about to spread our wings and soar 
 upward, perhaps out of sight. You did not appreciate " 
 
 Mrs. Reed. Heavens on earth ! Are you crazy or what is 
 the matter? I'm going straight home ! {Rises.') 
 
 Mrs. Jones {dropping paper). There ! I knew just how 
 'twould be and I told Hannah Maria Snow so. You see, 
 neighbors, that I'm going to form a club and Hannah Maria 
 has been helping me about it. She wrote that stuff on that 
 paper and told me to read it to you, but Lord a massy ! I 
 knew you wouldn't understand such a mess of lingo. You can 
 sit down, Mrs. Reed ; I ain't crazy a mite, but I am going to 
 get up a club, whether or no. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Yer see, Mrs. Jones and I have got tired of 
 staying at home and letting the men folks have all the fun, so 
 she has got the idea of forming a club for us women to go to. 
 I think it will be a fine idea, though land knows what we'll do 
 at it. 
 
 Mrs. Reed. Oh, if that's all I'll sit down again, but I 
 verily thought the woman was gone stark mad. {Sits.) 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, I am mad enough when I think what 
 fools we've been all these years, but I ain't crazy. 
 
 Mrs. Perkins. What kind of a club are you going to form ? 
 I've hearn tell of lots of kinds. 
 
 Mrs. Smith. What are you going to do? Work for the 
 heathen, I s'pose, same as we do at the sewing society. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. No, marm. We ain't going to work for 
 
la HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 nobody or nothing at my club. We're going to have a good 
 time and that's all. 
 
 Mrs. White. Why, it'll seem kind of queer not to be doing 
 anything. Can't we bring our sewing and knitting fo it? I'd 
 feel like a fish out of water if I didn't have my work in my 
 hand. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. We are going to write essays ; compositions 
 we used to call them when I was a gal and went to school. 
 Then we are going to meet at some house and read ihem, 
 that's just what we are going to do. Hannah Maria told me 
 all about it. 
 
 Mrs. Reed {starting uf). For the land's sake ! She is 
 crazy and 1 knew she was. I never could write a composition 
 when I was a gal, and I don't think I'll begin now. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. You'll find it easy enough. I'll tell you what 
 to do. 
 
 (Mrs. Reed sits?) 
 
 Mrs. Snow {asidt;), I'm thinking it will take some one 
 beside Samantha Jones to put brains into Maria Reed's head. 
 She never knew beans when she went to school. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Of course we must first take a vote and see 
 how many will join a club. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. This is my club, Mrs. Brown, and I'll attend 
 to it all myself. Hannah Maria told me all about it. {IVith 
 great dignity.') 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, don't be so huffy. I only was think- 
 ing that if you don't begin to form your club you'd never get 
 it done, I'm sure I don't want to meddle with your business. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. No, you hadn't better. I feel fully capable 
 of running my own club. Now all the women folks here as- 
 sembled that would like to join my club will please rise. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Will you have to jine it if you rise, for I ain't 
 quite made up my mind yet ? 
 
 Mrs. Slocum. I don't know whether my man would want 
 to have me. I'd have to ask him first. 
 
 Mrs. Higgins. How much would it cost to jine? I 
 shouldn't want to pay much. 
 
 Mrs. Stone. I never get my work done until dark. I don't 
 think I'd have much time to write compositions, though I was 
 a masterhand at it when I was a gal. 
 
 Mrs, Jones. There, I knew Mrs. Brown was in too big a 
 hurry. We hain't talked it over enough. 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED ij 
 
 Mrs. Perkins. That's so. I want to know what you do 
 besides writing compositions. / could get a composition easy 
 enough. The new schoohiiaster says my Liza Ann beats all for 
 writing compositions, and she'd be tickled to death to write me 
 one. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I was just going to tell you, but Mrs. Brown 
 broke in ; we all are to cut pieces out of the newspapers and 
 bring them to the club and read them. They call them cur- 
 rant — currant something. What was it, Mrs. Brown? You 
 heard Hannah Maria tell on't. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. I don't know as I just remember, and even 
 if I did I guess I shouldn't feel obliged to tell you after your 
 being so awful spiteful just because I wanted to help you along 
 a bit. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Mrs. Jones, / guess I can tell you. Wasn't 
 it currant prevents ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Yes, that's just what they called them; cur- 
 rant prevents. 
 
 Mrs. Reed. That's queer, my way of thinking. What 
 does a piece cut out of a newspaper have to do with currants, 
 anyway ? and land knows what it prevents ! 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, that's what they called 'em, anyway. 
 
 Mrs. Martin. I s'pose they'd got to call 'em something, 
 and a pack oi fool women will do queer things. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, if I ever ! Perhaps you think I'm a 
 fool to form a club ? 
 
 Mrs. Martin. Perhaps I do, and perhaps I don't. I 
 don't tell all I think. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. If you hadn't a-wanted to come over here this 
 afternoon you didn't have ter. I s' posed you'd feel slighted if 
 I didn't ask you. 
 
 Mrs. Martin. I did have two minds about coming ; but 
 now I've got here, I'll stay and see the thing through. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Do as you think best. {Very stiffly.') 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, it's a free country, as the saying is. I'm 
 sure Fni having a real good time. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. To continue — after we've read our currant 
 prevents, then we have a spread. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. For heaven's sake, what do you do with a 
 spread? Do you have a patchwork one or one of those white 
 ones you buy in the stores ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Neither one. A spread — is crackers and 
 pickles and tea and candy. 
 
14 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 Mrs. Shaw. What queer names they do give things nowa- 
 days ! 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. Well, don't they? If my poor, dear, dead 
 and gone husband could rise from his grave I guess he'd be 
 some surprised. 
 
 Mrs. Turner. Do let Mrs. Jones go on. It beats all I 
 ever hearn tell of. Do they eat them things, or just spread 
 them out and look at 'em ? 
 
 Mrs, Jones. Eat 'em, of course. At Hannah Maria's 
 Aunt Jane's they had punch, but we won't have any. It won't 
 be setting the men a good example. 
 
 Mrs. Spring. Who buys the things for the spread? It 
 would cost something. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. When it meets at ttiy house / buy the spread ; 
 when it meets ^\ your house j^// do, and so on. 
 
 Mrs. Spring. I hain't joined yet ; so, as Mrs. Snow would 
 say, " Don't reckon your chickens before they are hatched." 
 
 Mrs. Jones. How hateful you be, Mrs. Spring. Now, 
 instead of taking a vote, I am going to ask our minister's wife 
 to pass this paper around, and if you want to join rny club, 
 just write your name on't. If you don't, why don't, that's all. 
 {She gives the paper to Mrs. Welch, who passes it around. 
 All sign after 7nuch business of thinking and whispering it 
 over with their neighbors. Mrs. Jones takes paper from Mrs. 
 Welch.) Every one on 'em signed, didn't they, Mrs. Welch ? 
 I s' posed they would. 
 
 Mrs. Welch. Yes. It is surely a case of woman's curi- 
 osity. They wish to see what your club is to be like. 
 
 {All laugh.) 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Now I'll go on. /';;/ going to be the presi- 
 dent, 'cos I first thought on't. 
 
 Mrs. Slocum. There's noXkimg pushing about you ! 
 
 Mrs. Rice. I thought we voted for a president. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, you can, if you'll vote for me; but 
 there won't be any club if / can't be president. 
 
 Mrs. Turner. I think 'twould be more proper to have our 
 minister's wife for president. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, Mrs. Brown, let her be the president. 
 Let her occupy the seat of the mighty, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. She can be vice-president, if she wants, but 
 I've made up my mind that I'll JDe president; and president 
 I'll be, or you can all go home and we won't have any club. 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED I5 
 
 Mrs. Smith. I knew the men were all fighting to get into 
 office, but 1 didn't know women were. I thought they were 
 perl iter. 
 
 Mrs. White. I'm glad I don't want to be nobody nor 
 nothing, so I shan't have to squabble over what I'll be. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I shan't say anything about it, anyway. The 
 first shall be last and the last shall be first, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Martin. When I signed that 'ere paper, I s'posed I'd 
 get into office, or I wouldn't have done it. I don't know as I 
 want to be president, but I'm going to be something or I'll 
 scratch my name off of that paper. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. You shan't be president, so there, and I don't 
 know as you'll be anything. I guess we could get along if you 
 did scratch off your name. 
 
 Mrs. Welch. Seems to me I wouldn't quarrel about it. I 
 don't think it is Christianlike to wrangle over a small thing 
 like this. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. It isn't a small thing, and as it hasn't the first 
 living thing to do with the church, I don't care a hang whether 
 it is Christianlike or not. Now once for all, am I going to be 
 president or not? 
 
 Mrs. Welch. As the wife of the pastor of this village, I 
 would suggest that in order to keep peace we allow Mrs. Jones 
 to be president. All who agree please say /. 
 
 (^One by one each lady says^ ** Yes, let her.** " I s' pose so.** 
 "She might as well,** etc. After all have agreed, Mrs. 
 Jones rises.') 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Now, ladies, — I shall call you ladies hereafter, 
 for you have proved you are such by letting me be president, — 
 we will now elect a vice-president, or rather I'll elect one. I 
 guess I'll let Mrs. Welch be that. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. It does beat all! Ain't the rest of us going 
 to have our say about anything? 
 
 Mrs. Rice. I jined 'cos I thought I'd have a chance to 
 vote, and I wanted to see how 'twould seem, but I hain't got 
 no chance yet. 
 
 Mrs. Jones (^pulling paper from front of dress). You just 
 wait, all of you, and I'll let you know who's to be the officers 
 of this club. I made them all out this morning with Hannah 
 Maria's help. I hain't left out one of you. {Reads.) Presi- 
 dent, Mrs. Samantha Jones ; vice-president, Mrs. Elijah 
 
l6 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 Welch, our minister's wife. {Puts paper hack in aress.') We 
 ain't a-going to have any treasurer same as Hannah Maria's 
 aunt had, 'cos we ain't a-going to charge anything to belong 
 to this club, and we ain't a-going to have any secretary nuther, 
 'cos we don't want everything we do writ down in a book. We 
 are going to have a board of directors, and all the rest of you 
 ladies are going to be a board of director, so you'll feel you 
 hold some office. You won't have anything to do, 'cos I'll do 
 all that's necessary. Now don't you think I've done well to 
 let every one of you get into office? 
 
 Mrs. Slocum. I didn't want any office, but if you don't 
 have anything to do I might as well be a board of director as 
 anything. 
 
 Mrs, Jones. All you board of directors must wear badges. 
 
 Mrs. Stone. What are they, and where do you get them? 
 Don't they cost something? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Hannah Maria says they are a piece of ribbon 
 with the words ''Board of Directors " printed on them. She 
 says they got them printed somewheres in Boston, but land of 
 massy ! them women must have been a shiftless pack if they 
 couldn't have made their own badges. I am going to make 
 my own and I guess the rest of you can make yourn. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. What color ribbon do you have ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Hannah Maria didn't say, but 'pears to me 
 any color would do. I've got some old white ribbon that I am 
 going to dye yellow and have ''President " put on it, real big, 
 in black letters. I think it will look real nice. 
 
 {Smiles very siveetly.') 
 
 Mrs. Reed. I have some green ; do you think that will do ? 
 I ain't over and above fond of green, but that's all I've got. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. Didn't you hear our worthy president say 
 that any color would do, and what she says, goes. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Thank you, Mrs. Hobbs; I don't think the 
 ladies yet understand that they must do just what I say. 
 
 Mrs. Perkins. Hoity, toity ! Don't we put on airs? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I. shan't notice insults. Hannah Maria says 
 that they told her in Boston that people in high places always 
 got insulted. Now the next work to come before this club is 
 to give it a name. Now I want each and every one to have a 
 voice in naming my club. Beginning at Mrs. Rice, I want 
 everybody to tell what we shall name it. 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 1 7 
 
 Mrs. Rice. Don't ask me. I never was any hand at nam- 
 ing anything. Jotham named every one of our nine young 
 ones. I thought that was the least he could do. 
 
 Mrs. Martin. You might call it <' My Club " ; that 'pears 
 to come quite natural. 
 
 INIrs. Jones. Yes, but 'tain't yoitr club, it's ini?ie. 
 
 Mrs. Hobds. They have flowery names nowadays. You 
 might call it the '* Dandelion Club," as long as it was formed 
 when 'twas time to dig 'em. 
 
 Mrs. Shaw. I think the ''Lily Club" would sound better, 
 but goodness knows 7ve are far from lilies. 
 
 Mrs. Turner. If we wanted to be real patriotic, we could 
 call it the '' Roosevelt Club." 
 
 Mrs. Spring. I don't think it proper for a pack of women 
 to name their club after a 7nan. Let's call it the ''Susan An- 
 thony Club." I've hearn tell of her, but don't know just who 
 she was, but I guess she was a real good woman. 
 
 Mrs. Welch. Yes, she was, but why not call it the " Cher- 
 ryville Woman's Club," after our town? 
 
 Mrs. Brown. As near as I can cal'late, it isn't the woman's 
 club ; it's Mrs. Jones' club, and why not call it so ? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I've nothing to say. A rose by any other 
 name would smell as sweet, and what's in a name, as the 
 saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Reed. I think we'd better call it the "Lazy Club," 
 as long as we ain't a-going to work. 
 
 Mrs. Perkins. / shouldn't care to say anything about it 
 until I had asked my husband. He knows everything, and 
 he'd tell us just the right thing to call it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Your husband can attend to his own black- 
 smith shop. We ain't asking his opinion. 
 
 Mrs. Smith. Call it the " Sassy Club." I think that's just 
 the name. 
 
 Mrs. White. How would the "Married Woman's Club" 
 do? We seem to all be married. 
 
 Mrs. Slocum. Well, what if we be? We needn't publish 
 it all over the world. Most of us have very little to brag about 
 in the way of husbands. 
 
 Mrs. Higgins. Speak for yourself, and not for others. 
 Because _y^//; fight all the time with your husband it's no sign 1 
 do. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell on't at the club. Better 
 call it the "Truth-telling Club," 
 
 Mrs. Stone. Being as I am the last, I have had a good 
 
1 8 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 chance to hear what you've all said, and I guess I'd call it the 
 *' Spiteful Club." 
 
 Mrs. Jones. There, I gave you all a good opportunity to 
 select a name for my club, but none of you have got the right 
 one. I named it this morning with Hannah Maria's help. I 
 think it is a real pretty name, and know you will all like it. 
 My club is named ** Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club." 
 I don't know why Hannah Maria insisted on having the "op- 
 timistic " put in, but she said it sounded better. 
 
 Mrs. Si.ocuM. What does the word mean, anyway? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I didn't ask her. I guess it don't mean noth- 
 ing. Big words don't, generally. Do you know, Mrs. 
 Welch? 
 
 Mrs. Welch. Hannah Maria made a wise selection when 
 she chose the name for our club. It pertains to looking on the 
 bright side of life, and of course we all will endeavor to do 
 that. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Yes, but we must remember that all is not 
 gold that glitters, as the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, ladies, I guess the club is formed, and 
 it is time for you all to go home. I've got to fry slap jacks for 
 supper, and it's about time I begun. The first meeting of 
 ** Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club" will be held 
 here, in my house, next- Tuesday afternoon, at three o'clock. 
 Every one will have a composition to read on anything they 
 want to write about, and every one must have a piece cut out 
 of a newspaper to read. I'll serve the spread and conduct the 
 meeting. There, I guess I've said that just as Hannah Maria 
 told me to. You are dismissed, ladies. 
 
 {The ladies rise and curtain falls.') 
 
 SCENE III. — Mrs. Jones' /^r/<?r. Ladies discovered all sit- 
 ting up, very much dressed up, with compositions and paper 
 clippings in their hands. 
 
 Mrs. Jones {sitting at a table at the right of stage ^ with 
 Hannah Maria beside her). Ladies, this is the first meeting 
 of the ''Samantha Matilda Jones' Optimistic Club," which we 
 so, — so,— what was that word you told me to say, Hannah 
 Maria ? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Amicably 
 
HOW THH CLUB WAS FORMED I9 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Oh, yes, — so amicably formed last week. I 
 
 trust the good-will shown at that time will be perpetuated 
 
 Is that right, Hannah Maria? 
 
 HaNxNah Maria. Just right. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Through all eternity, and even more, if neces- 
 sary. Hannah Maria Snow is with us this afternoon to see 
 if we do things as they did at her Aunt Jane's in Boston. I 
 think it is real kind of her to come, for I want my club just 
 like the one her Aunt Jane belongs to. What shall I do or say 
 next, Hannah Maria? 
 
 Hannah Maria. The first thing will be to hear the report 
 of the different officers. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. You mustn't believe all you hear though, as 
 the saying is. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. We hain't got any officers, only me and Mrs. 
 Welch and the board of directors, and we hain't got any re- 
 ports to make. Besides, I ain't a-going to have any gossip 
 talked here, as I never did believe in starting reports about my 
 neighbors. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Well, if there are no reports to be read 
 you must proceed to business. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. What's that ? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Why, I guess it will be the reading of the 
 essays. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Well, I don't know as that's business; but, 
 anyway, we'll have them read. I'll call on Mrs. Brown first. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. I ain't a-going to read mine first, so there. 
 Why don't you read your own ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Why, / didn't write one; I'm president. 
 The president don't never do nothing. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. Well, if you ain't the beater ! Howsomever, 
 I've got a real good composition, but I ain't a-going to sail 
 under false colors; I didn't write one word of it. I copied it 
 out of " The Old Farmers' Almanac." (^Reads.) 
 
 ''APRIL 
 
 "Now is the time to sit up and begin to take notice. The 
 lawns ought to ht raked, if you've got a Inwn and a rake; if 
 not, you might borrow one. Don't shoot the bluebirds when 
 they make their appearance, for if you do they'll never put in 
 another appearance. See that the cellars are cleaned of all 
 rubbish. Germs lurk everywhere, even in the water you drink, 
 so I wouldn't advise my readers to drink water when wine is as 
 
20 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 handy. In Bible times they turned water into wine, now they 
 turn wine into money. This is the month for the boys to play 
 marbles and the girls to jump rope. Don't stop them. When 
 the boys play 'skin' they are learning to be great men at 
 Washington. When the girls jump rope they are exercising 
 their lungs, something they'll not be able to do when they wear 
 corsets," 
 
 Mrs. Jones. That will do, Mrs. Brown ; I don't think it 
 lady-like to read anything in public about corsets; and be- 
 sides, we've all read that in our own almanacs. Don't the 
 ladies in Boston write their own compositions ? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Of course they do. 
 
 Mrs. Brown. I never was tarnal smart in my young days, 
 and I guess I'm not going to rack my brain now over compo- 
 sitions. If you won't let me copy one from a book I'll leave 
 the club. I thought that one was real good. 
 
 (Hannah Maria whispers to Mrs. Jones.) 
 
 Mrs. Jones. 'Twas good enough, but we prefer original 
 ones; something that emanates from our own brains. Was 
 that what you told me to say, Hannah Maria ? 
 
 (Hannah Maria nods.) 
 
 Mrs. Martin. I wrote every word of mine and I'd just 
 like to read it now. {Reads.) 
 
 ''WHAT I THINK OF CLUBS 
 
 "To begin with I don't think much of them. Women 
 had better be at home mending their young ones' clothes, than 
 to be at the neighbors' houses trying to do something they 
 know nothing about. At this very moment there are young 
 ones right in this village with holes in their stockings as big as 
 my fist, while their mothers are here in Mrs. Jones' parlor, all 
 dressed up in their meetin' clothes, making believe they are 
 enjoying themselves when they ain't. Then, too, there are 
 women here whose husbands hain't got a clean shirt to put on 
 Sunday, for they've been so busy getting their compositions 
 written that they hain't had no time to wash. I know of one 
 woman in the club, I shan't say whether it is the president or 
 not, who " 
 
 Mrs. Jones. You can just sit down and hold your tongue, 
 or I'll put you out. I didn't w^ant you to join my club, any- 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 21 
 
 way, but you would come sticking in ; but you shan't insult 
 ine. 
 
 Mrs. Martin (^siui/ig). I thought you wanted original 
 compositions. Wasn't mine original enough? 
 
 Mrs. J(JNES. Mrs. Snow, we'll hear yours now. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I don't know as you'll like it, you seem so 
 kinder particular, but I did the best 1 could. (Reads.) 
 
 ''HUSBANDS 
 
 ''I've got one, but I kinder wish I hadn't. I didn't have 
 one for a long time, but I had to trim bonnets and braid straw 
 for a living, and the rest of the gals got them one, so I thought 
 I'd do my best to get me one. I was thirty-eight when my hus- 
 band, who had before been Sarah Small's husband, asked me 
 to take poor Sarah's place, who had been dead for about six 
 months. 1 knew it was my last chance, as it was also my first 
 one, and I was growing liomely every day, so I said I would. 
 Husbands are well enough if you get a good one, but you 
 can't never tell whether you are getting one of the good ones. 
 Butter wouldn't melt in their mouths before you marry 'em, 
 but, land sakes ! you wait till after the parson has tied the 
 knot. Every husband does something mean ; they either swear, 
 or they drink, or they smoke, or they are tighter than the bark 
 of a tree, or they — well, I won't say what. If a woman is 
 homely as sin, I suppose you can't blame her husband for " 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Snow, I truly am ashamed of you, talk- 
 ing so about Hannah Maria's father right to her face. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Land of massy ! I didn't mean 7ny husband, 
 any more than I did yourn. I mean all of yourn. Silas is as 
 good as the rest, I guess. Among specked cabbages there ain't 
 much choice, as the saying is. Shall I continue my composi- 
 tion ? (Ladies all say ^^ No,'" '* We don't want to hear it, ^ 
 etc.) Just as you say, but I'll never sit up till midnight again 
 to write a composition that you won't let me read. This is an 
 ungrateful world, as the saying is. 
 
 Hannah Maria. Well, maw, you have said quite enough. 
 I knew you had a very w^eak intellect, but I did suppose you 
 had a little respect for the masculine world in general, and my 
 paternal ancestor in particular. 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I don't know what you mean, and I don't 
 know as I care. This is the first and last club I'll ever go to. 
 I'd go home now, but I want to hear some of the other com- 
 positions. 
 
22 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Hobbs, will you please read yourn ? I 
 hope 1 shan't have to stop you as 1 have the others. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. I think mine is better than any I have heard. 
 I asked my darter what to write about and she said as ]ong as 
 the word '' Optimistic " was in the name of the club she would 
 write me one on this subject. (^Reads.) 
 
 ^'WHAT IT IS TO BE OPTIMISTIC 
 
 " 1 suppose none of you know what it is to be optimistic, and 
 so I am going to write my mother a composition and tell you 
 poor, ignorant women what it is. I know, because I go to the 
 Cherryville High School, and therefore know it all. When my 
 mother calls me in the morning to help her get breakfast and I 
 don't hear her, and she has all the work to do herself, and 
 daddy is snoring to beat the band and I am almost killing my- 
 self laughing, thinking how I have fooled her, if she goes about 
 singing, 'Oh, that I had wings,' etc., and smiling to herself, 
 then she is being optimistic. If Mrs. Snow laughs and kisses 
 Silas, when he won't give her a quarter to buy shoe-strings, 
 then she is optimistic." 
 
 Mrs. Snow. Land of Goshen ! I never kissed Silas Snow 
 but once in my life, and then I felt flatter than a flounder. 
 What is she talking about? I never bought a quarter's worth 
 of shoe-strings since I was born. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. Will you stop a-interruptin' me? 
 
 Mrs. Snow. I must say your darter is a bigger ninny than 
 her mother. Kissing Silas I Bah ! 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. Mrs. Jones, is she going to insult me or not? 
 Shall I continue ? 
 
 Mrs. Jones. No, I guess we've heard enough of that. I 
 s'posed you women would write your own compositions and 
 not ask little, giggling, foolish schoolgirls, that don't know 
 nothing but kissing, to do it for them. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. This is my last appearance at your old club. 
 I won't have my darter's compositions insulted, nor hemwihtr, 
 by an old crank of a woman, 
 
 Hannah Maria. Mrs. Jones, \yhen the members talk like 
 that the president calls them to order. 
 
 Mrs. Hobbs. She'd better not call me to order ; if she 
 does, I'll let her and you know that I won't be ordered about 
 by anybody. I'd go right home now, only I want to get some 
 of that spread I've hearn so much about. 
 
HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 23 
 
 Mrs. Jones. I did think ycni women would write some 
 decent composilions, but I begin to think you don't know 
 nothing. Airs. Higgins, will you read yourn ? 
 
 Mrs. Higgins. If you don't like mine, you can't blame me," 
 for I didn't have nothing to do about writing it. {Reads.) 
 
 " Friends, Romans, Countrymen, hear me " 
 
 Mrs. Jones. For the land sakes ! Have you got that old 
 thing we used to read fifty years ago at school, coi)ied out on 
 that paper ? If you have, you just sit down, for we won't hear 
 it. 
 
 Mrs. Higgins. Well, you don't have to, but I wanted a 
 good, sensible composition, and I always did like that ; it sounds 
 so kinder of up and coming some way. How we did us'ter 
 read it together, and see who could read the loudest. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Perkins, have you got anything fit to 
 read ? I'm getting about sick of these 'ere compositions, 
 
 Mrs. Perkins {reads'). 
 
 ''THE HISTORY OF A PIN 
 
 " I was once a piece of steel wire, when a man took me and 
 carried me to a shop, where I was cut up into little pieces and 
 made into pins. Then 1 was stuck on a paper, and " 
 
 Hannah Maria. 1 heard them tell in Boston about being 
 stuck on a young man, but I didn't hear one word about being 
 stuck on a paper. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Now, Hannah Maria, I want to ask you one 
 question. Are these compositions anything like those you 
 heard at your Aunt Jane's? If they ain't, I'm not going to 
 hear another one. 
 
 Hannah Maria. No, those were on more sublime subjects, 
 and you couldn't understand what they were about. Such big 
 words as they had in them I Oh, they were so soul uplifting, 
 not a bit like these. 
 
 Mrs. Rice. Well, if Hannah Maria and Mrs. Jones ain't 
 satisfied with the compositions of the others, theyvvouldn't be 
 with ours, and let's all crumple ours up and put 'em into our 
 pockets. 
 
 {They all do so.) 
 
 Mrs. Jones. As president of this club I must say you are 
 dead failures at writing compositions, and I'm glad I hain't got 
 to listen to any more. Now, I'll call for the current extents. 
 Mrs. White, you may read yourn. 
 
24 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 Mrs. White {reading fro jn newspaper dipping). '' A cure 
 for rheumatiz. Take three quarts of sweet cider, put into it a 
 
 quarter's worth of " 
 
 ■ Mrs, Jones. Do sit down. We don't want to bear such 
 stuff as that. That wasn't what they read at your Aunt Jane's 
 club, was it, Hannah Maria? 
 
 Hannah Maria. Of course not. They had clippings on 
 educational subjects. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Mrs. Spring, you please read yourn. 
 
 Mrs. Spring. I don't know how mine will suit you. It's 
 real pretty, I think. {Reads.') 
 
 "Just then Mary Jane broke the silence and said, * Of all 
 the indescribable, indigestible, indestructible, inconceivable 
 things in nature a white blackbird poised on the top of the 
 Washington monument takes the cake.' " Now ain't that real 
 pretty ? I should think that would be soul uplifting enough to 
 suit anybody. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. Yes, I call that real good ; I don't know what 
 it means, but it sounded good. 
 
 Hannah Maria. I call that almost as good as those I heard 
 at Aunt Jane's. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. If we have many more read we shan't have 
 time for the spread, so we'll only have Mrs. Slocura read hern, 
 and then we'll have our spread. 
 
 Mrs. Slocum. Mine is an advertisement of some new kind 
 of soap, and I ain't going to read it, 'cos you wouldn't like it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones, You read yourn, Mrs. Turner. 
 
 Mrs. Turner {reading). ''The new kind of hats that the 
 fashion-plates are wearing are said to have originated five thou- 
 sand years ago in the " 
 
 Mrs, Jones. We don't want to hear about anything as old 
 as that. You may sit, Mrs. Turner, Mrs. Welch, will you 
 read yourn ? 
 
 Mrs. Welch. Mine is about the work of the missionaries 
 in China ; perhaps you don't care to hear it. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. No, I don't. I'm sick to death of China and 
 the missionaries, and do you know I'm just as sick of clubs. I 
 never had such a trying afternoon in my life. I guess you 
 women ain't bright enough to belong to a club. 
 
 {Sits down disgusted.) 
 Mrs. Shaw. Well, / guess you ain't bright enough to be 
 
How THE CLUB WAS FORMED 1^ 
 
 president of one. I think we'd all look better if we were at 
 home attending to our husbands and young ones. 
 
 Mrs. Stone. I thought we were going to have a spread. 
 Why don't you bring it on? 
 
 Mrs. Reed. I'm real hungry, and a few crackers would 
 taste good. 
 
 Mrs. Jones. A few crackers I How many did you think 
 you were going to have? I've got just one apiece for you. 
 Hannah Maria, you may get them and pass 'em 'round. 
 (Hannah Maria goes out and returns with plate containing 
 just enough for each to have one. She passes tlieni. When 
 she at last passes them to Mrs. Jones, she shakes her head.) 
 No, I don't want any. I've had 'em in the house for upwards 
 of six weeks, and they've got so hard I can't bite 'em with my 
 false teeth, but I guess they are good enough for a spread. 
 (^Business of trying to bite them, but they prove too hard.) If 
 you can't eat 'em take 'em home to the young ones. They'll 
 like 'em . {All exclaim — ' ' Stingy thing. " * ' Did you ever ? ' ' 
 *^ Hoiv do you like her spread?'' etc.) Well, of all the un- 
 gratefulest pack of women, you beat 'em. You've put me all 
 out of patience and I ain't going to have a club no more. I 
 ain't going to be president no more; and I'll stay at home for- 
 ever before I try to form a club again, so there. Now you can 
 all get out of my house at once. I'm mad clean through. 
 
 Mrs. Reed. Excuse me, Mrs. Jones, but I guess I'll read 
 my composition afore we go. I wrote it in poetry, and I hate 
 to have it lost. It has turned out just as I thought. 
 
 ^' MRS. JONES' CLUB 
 
 "Mrs. Jones, she formed a club, 
 But she couldn't make it go ; 
 We women here in Cherryviile 
 Were made for work, not shoWo 
 
 "Some women have big brains. 
 But we've no brains at all ; 
 And if we try to mount up high, 
 We'll surely get a fall. 
 
 *' We'd better stay at home, 
 
 And wash, and bake and churn ; 
 For that is all we're fitted for 
 As near as I discern. 
 
26 HOW THE CLUB WAS FORMED 
 
 ** And if we want some place to go 
 As Mrs. Jones declared, 
 We'll get our children's ragged clothes 
 And see that they're repaired. 
 
 ** God gave some women talent, 
 And 'tis a hard proposition 
 If you've not got it in you 
 To write a composition. 
 
 ** I'd rather slave all day 
 
 Than try to make believe wise. 
 So I'll stay at home hereafter 
 And bake my bread and pies. 
 
 ** I'm sorry for Mrs. Jones, 
 
 And for Hannah Maria, too, 
 But in this world so broad and wide 
 They'll find something else to do. 
 
 "The Optimistic Club is dead 
 And I, myself, am glad. 
 For a woman who feels out of place. 
 Does look to me so bad." 
 
 {^Quick curlai?i.') 
 
New Plays for Female Characters 
 
 THE PURSUIT OF THE PARSON 
 A Mock Trial in One Act 
 
 By Helen Lee Brooks 
 Tliiiteen females and jury. Costumes of the future ; scenery unimpor- 
 tant. Plays one hour. A clever and amusing picture of the days to come 
 when the ladies will run things. Originally presented in Louisville, Ky. 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Hon. Portia Blackstone, Judge. 
 
 Madame Elizabeth Kent-Coke, Prosecuting Attorney. 
 
 Madame Tomasia Erskine, Attorney for Defendant. 
 
 ** Dotty " Develin, the Defendant. 
 
 Clerk of the Court. 
 
 Sheriff. 
 Witnesses for the Com?nonzvealth Witnesses for Defendant 
 
 Miss Mehitable Simpkins, a Dr. Eleanor Ainsworth, ex- 
 spinster of uncertain age. pert Oculist and Alienist. 
 Miss Nancy Ann Sims, another Mrs. Polly Posy, chum of 
 
 spinster of doubtful age. Dotty. 
 
 Prof. Elvira Jones-Johnson, Prof. Dolly Dimple, Professor 
 
 Instructor of Advanced The- of the Art of Courtship. 
 
 ology. Forew^oman of the Jury and 
 
 eleven jurors. 
 
 THE TRUTH ABOUT JANE 
 A Comedy in One Act 
 
 By Alice C. Thompson 
 Seven females. Costumes modern ; scenery, an easy interior. Plays 
 twenty-five minutes. A very easy, bright and up-to-date piece doing 
 justice to the virtues of the " athletic " girl. Strongly recommended. 
 Price, 75 cents 
 
 OYSTERS 
 
 A Farce in One Act 
 
 By Alice C. Thompson 
 Six females. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy interior. Plays 
 twenty minutes. An easy and clever little play for younger girls, with 
 one old maid character. A novel idea very amusingly treated. Strongly 
 recommended. 
 
 Price, i^ cents 
 
New Plays 
 
 MR. EASTMAN'S NIECE 
 
 A Farcical Comedy in Four Acts 
 
 By Belle Marshall Locke 
 
 Six males, four females. Costumes modern ; scenery, two interiors and 
 one easy exterior that may be played indoors if desired. Plays a full even- 
 ing. A clever and vivacious play, full of fun and action. Mr. Easyman's 
 fad of spiritualism leads him into a difficulty that is a source of endless 
 amusement to the audience. Irish and old maid comedy parts. Can be 
 recommended. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Stephen Easyman, a zuealthy Mr. Sharpe, a detective. 
 
 broker. Miss Judith Carroll, a maiden 
 Mr. Carew Carlton, his 7iephew. aunt. 
 
 Mr. Tom Ashleigh. Mrs. Easyman, ) her 
 
 Jackson, a servant. Miss Bessie Carroll, j nieces, 
 
 Michael Flynn. Desdemona, the ghost. 
 
 A PAIR OF BURGLARS 
 
 By Byron P. Gle?m 
 
 Two males, two females. One act. Costumes modern ; scenery, an 
 easy interior. Plays half an hour. A brisk little curtain raiser of the 
 " vaudeville " type, moving all the time. Easy and effective ; all the parts 
 young people and well-dressed. Strongly recommended. 
 
 Price, 75 cents ; 
 
 DANE'S DRESS-SUIT CASE 
 
 By Robert C. F. Meyers 
 
 Two males, one female. One act. Costumes modern ; scene, an easy 
 interior. Plays fifteen minutes. An excellent short play to fill out a bill 
 or to fill in an intermission. All action and lots of fun. All parts young 
 and well-dressed. 
 
 Price f i^ cents 
 
New Plays 
 
 HIGBEE OF HARVARD 
 
 A COMEDY-DRAMA IN TIIKEF: ACTS 
 
 By Charles Townsend 
 
 Five males, four females. IModern costumes ; scenes, two interiors and 
 ail exterior — the latter may be played as well in an interior, if preferred. 
 Plays a full evetiinj?. A clever, up-to-date piece, well suited for aniateur 
 l)evforniance. No small parts; all good. Good i)lot, full of incident, no 
 love-nuikiug, no " heroics," interest strong and sustained. Based on a play 
 that, in its lime, had phenomenal popularity and can be strongly recom- 
 mended. 
 
 Price, 15 cents 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Watsok "W. HiGnEE,//-o7n 3Ion/ana. HiGGiKS, (he butler. 
 
 A good fellow in'/./i m i If ions, who - Eccentric Character. 
 
 knows neiiher fear nar grammar. NANCY WiTHROW, the senator's 
 
 Character Lead. daughter. An iip-to-dafe, lerel-headed 
 
 Ho>^ V. D. Wia'HROw, a biuc-hlooded girl. Juvenile Lead. 
 
 ex-sini/or irith a tali family tree and MADGE CUMMINGS, //■(>»*, Montana A 
 
 a short Iniitk account. Fiist Old Man. quiet sort with temper when needed. 
 
 hoiiVs\lHiV,l&F.,sonof Wal.-on. Cham- Ingenue Lead. 
 
 pion athlete of Harvard. In love rcilh Mus. Ballou, the senator's sister from, 
 
 Mailfie. Juvenile Ijcad. New York, who meets her second affin- 
 
 THE<yDOKE DALRYAiri.E, called Hij at the eleventh hour. Comedy. 
 
 " Tfd." Worked his way through MRS MALVINA MeddigREW, origi- 
 
 Harvard. In love with Nunry. nally from Missouri. 3Iust always be 
 
 Comedy I^ead. shown. Comedy. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 ACT I.— The lawn at Withrow's. A June afternoon. Planning a dou- 
 ble marriage. 
 
 ACT II.— Parlor at Withrow's. In a tangle. Cupid's arrows go wrong, 
 and evcrytliiiig follows. Good-by, and a roaring climax. 
 
 ACT II I. — In Mon tana, five months later. Hard lines. " Thanksgiving 
 to-morrow, and no cliance to steal a turkey." The unexpected happens. 
 Sudden wealth. " A Four-decker weddin' in a couple or three days." 
 
 THE OTHER WOMAN 
 
 A SKETCH IN ONE ACT 
 
 Fh/ Ellis Kingsley 
 
 interior ; costumes 
 imiended. Very dr; 
 
 Price , 15 cents 
 
 Two females. Scene, an interior ; costumes modern. A clever and re^ 
 fined sketch, strongly reconmiended. Very dramatic. Plays twenty min. 
 utes. 
 
New Plays 
 
 THE TEASER 
 
 A RURAL COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 
 
 By Charles S. Allen 
 
 Four male, three female characters. Scene, an easy interior, the same for 
 all three acts ; costumes, modern. Plays about an hour ami a half. An ad- 
 mirable play for amateurs, very easy to get up, and very effective. Uraliah 
 Higgins, a country post-man, and Drusilla Todd are capital comedy jiarts, 
 introducing songs or specialties, if it is desired to lengthen the piece. Do- 
 mestic drama, with plenty of incidental fun. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 As originally produced by The Russell Club, in Y. M. C. A. Hall, Melrose, 
 June 5, 1907. 
 
 Ellice Flemyng, Mrs. F/emijvg's (laughter . . . Rita Dickinson 
 AKJ!iOhD U AYE, a ijaungjournalisf. .... Carleton A. Sawyer 
 
 Mrs. Makion Vz.EU\"SG,a loiduw Bessie Anderson 
 
 lyii.THORVtz, /ionic-ip(t'/i ; a phi/nsop/ie7' as well . . . Carl Robinson 
 
 T>iiUiiiijt.xV WWD, UniUnh's hcsf g'H Edith Johnson 
 
 Ukaltah Hicgins, Rural Free Delivery Levi Stevens 
 
 Ebei^^ezek Randall,, a ??ia?t o/mca?i6' . . , . W. Norton Messenger 
 
 THE HERO OF THE GRIDIRON 
 
 A COLLEGE COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS 
 
 By Estelle Cook 
 
 Nine male, four female characters and supernumeraries. Costumes, mod- 
 ern ; scenery, easy interiors and exteriors, not essential. Plays about two 
 hours. A successful college farce on the football theme, suited to co-educa- 
 tional and otlier colleges; very easy and remarkably effective in perform- 
 ance. Can be played only on payment of a royalty of $5.00 for each per- 
 formance to the author. 
 
 Price , 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Harry Randolph, a Freshmanfrom Ruben Rjtstic, fromllaystacklianch 
 
 the While Horse Ranch. Mr. Randolph, Harry' s father . 
 
 Mr. Trix, a football coach. Maud Davis, the most popular girl 
 
 Frank Barnes, "^ members of the on the campus. 
 
 Fred Wheeler, I Bouncer Squad Ruth Randolph, Harry's sister. 
 
 Walter French, \ and the Beta Miss Prue, an nntiqiiated chaperon. 
 
 John Taylor, J Be'a Frat. The Nurse, toho lives on the campus, 
 T. L. Tintype, a photo agent. 
 
New Plays 
 
 A GIRL IN A THOUSAND 
 
 A COMEDY IN FOUR ACTS 
 
 By Evelyn Gray Whiting 
 
 Fourteen females. Costumes, modern ; scenes, three interiors and an ex- 
 terior. Plays a full evening. Very strong and sympathetic and ot varied 
 interest Irish comedy ; strong " witch " character ; two very lively " kids ; 
 all the parts good. Elfective, easy to produce, and can he strongly recom- 
 mended to young people as thoroughly wholesome in tone as well as amus- 
 ing. 
 
 Pricey 25 cents 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 FOLKS AT THE COTTAGE 
 Granny Morris, an old-fashioned SYi.yix, a lUtle peacemaker. 
 
 jjody. Charlotte, " Charlie.'* 
 
 Flora, poor, but proud. Kathleen, "-Kit." 
 
 FOLKS AT THE HALL 
 Helena Glendon, a delightful per- F h(ebe'Pr^sto:s, who retzds the :Bouse 
 
 son. 
 
 Journal. 
 
 Vivian Glendon, her adopted child. Nora, a believer in charms, with none 
 Mrs. Preston, a housekeeper. of her oion. 
 
 MisaTnAJMER, witch of the holloiv. Miss Prim, school-teacher someivhai 
 
 Mrs. Wentworth, a tvealthy ividow. like her name. 
 
 Miss Guilford, her companion. 
 
 SYNOPSIS 
 
 ACT T.— Granny Morris' cottage. Seven wishes. One comes true. The 
 Witch's prophecy. 
 
 ACT II.— School-room at Miss Prim's. Some tableaux. A cake-walk. A 
 prophecy fulfilled. 
 
 ACT III.— Sitting room at the Hall. Granny forgets her skirt. The 
 Witch again. A face at the Avindow. 
 
 ACT IV.— Witch Hollow. A picnic. Nora tries a charm. Unravelling of 
 the skein. 
 
 MOSE 
 
 A COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 
 
 By C. W. Miles 
 
 Eleven males,ten females. Scenery, two interiors; costumes modern. Plays 
 an hour and a half. A lively college farce, full of good local color and the 
 true college spirit. Its cast is unusually large, but many of the parts are 
 small and incidental. Introduces a good deal of singing, which will serve to 
 ler.gcheii the'performance. The inevitable foot-ball is au element of its story, 
 y-^'yi Hs strongest dramatic interest does not depend upon this. Recommend- 
 •^ Wghly for co-educational colleges. Professional stage-rights reserved. 
 
 Price, 15 ce?its 
 
New Plays 
 
 THE TIME OF HIS LIFE 
 
 A Comedy in Three Acts 
 
 By C. Leona Dalrymple 
 Six males, three females. Costumes modern ; scenery, two interiors, 
 or can he played in one. Plays two hours and a half. A side-splitting 
 piece, full of action and a sure success if competently acted. Tom Car- 
 ter's little joke of impersonating the colored butler has unexpected con- 
 sequences that give him " the time of his life." Very highly recom- 
 mended for High School performance. 
 
 Price, 25 cents 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 Mr. Bob Grey. 
 
 Mrs. Bob Grey. 
 
 Tom Carter, Mrs. Grefs brother. 
 
 Mrs. Peter Wycombe, a ** personage." 
 
 Mr. Peter Wycombe, a ** pessimist " with a digestion. 
 
 Dorothy Landon, secretly engaged to Tom Carter. 
 
 Mr. James Landon, Sr., Dorothy's father ; of a peppery disposition. 
 
 Uncle Tom, an old colored butler from the South. 
 
 Officer Hogan, of the Twenty- Second Street Police Station. 
 
 EETHER OR EYTHER 
 
 A Farce in One Act 
 
 By Robert C. F. Meyers 
 Four males, four females. Costumes modern ; scene, an interior. Plays 
 thirty minutes. A clever parlor play, similar in idea to the popular " Ob- 
 stinate Family." Sure to please. 
 
 Price, 75 ce?its 
 
 THE MORNING AFTER THE PLAY 
 A Comedy in One Act 
 
 By Willis Steell 
 Two males, three females. Costumes modern ; scene, an interior. 
 Plays twenty minutes. An easy piece of strong dramatic interest, orig- 
 inally produced in Vaudeville by Christy Clifford. Free to amateurs; 
 royalty required for professional performance. 
 Price, 75 cetits 
 
^tict, 50 €mt0 €atl) 
 
 THF MAfilSTRATF Farce in Three Acts. Twelve males, four 
 lUL ITIAUIJlAAll. f^^^j^i^g Costumes, modern; scenery, all 
 interior. Plays two hours and a half. 
 
 THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITP !"?""' ;» 5°"/ 
 
 Luj,» males:, five fei 
 
 Acts, 
 fern ales. 
 Costumes, modern ; scenery, all interiors Pb ys a full evening. 
 
 THF PROFI IfiATF l*layinFourAc'.iS ^even males, five females. 
 llILf I n\ll MuA 1 Iv g^.gjjgj.y^ three interiors, rather elaborate; 
 costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF SCHftOI MISTRFSS ^^'^■ce in Three Acts. Nine males, seven 
 females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, 
 tliree interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY ^^^"ZZet^s.'^cos. 
 
 tumes, modern ; scenery, three inteiiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 SWFFT f A^TNDFR Comedy in Three Acts. Seven males, four 
 ,, females. Scene, a single interior; costumes, 
 
 modern. Plays a full evening. 
 
 THF TIMFS ^^"^®^^y ^" Four Acts. Six males, seven females. 
 Scene, a single interior; costumes, modern. Plays a 
 full evening. 
 
 THF WFAKFR SFX comedy in Three Acts. Eight males, eight 
 lULr TTLAHIvH JL.A ^^,^^^1^^ Costumes, modern ; scenery, two 
 interiors. Plays a full evening. 
 
 A WIFE WITHOUT A SMILE '^T'^ "f'^T ^T, ""' 
 
 males, four females. Costumes, 
 modern ; scene, a single interior. Plays a full evening. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Salter i^* iBafier & Company 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
%mnt popular Pa^s 
 
 TUP AWAIZ'PNIKIft riay in Four Acts. By C; H. Chambers. 
 lUC AnAIVCillilU i<our males, six females. Scenery, not diffi- 
 cult, chiefly interiors ; costumes, modern. Plays a full evening. 
 Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 THE FRUITS OF ENUGIiTENMENT g°T?/oi"ToT° tw^;: 
 
 one males, eleven females. Scenery, characteristic interiors ; cos- 
 tumes, modern. Plays a full evening, liecommended for reading 
 clubs. Price, 85 Cents. 
 
 mS EXCELLENCY THE GOVERNOR KiTkIhaJ^'N?! 
 
 males, three females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, one interior. 
 Acting rights reserved. Time, a full evening. Price, 60 Cents. 
 
 AN inPiT HITCRAMn Comedy in Four Acts. By Oscak Wilde. 
 An Wr,Al4 miJDAlMJ Nine males, six females. Costumes, mod- 
 ern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full evening. Acting rights 
 reservetl. Sold for reading. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING EARNEST Hit Si Ssca'I 
 
 Wilde. Five males, four feuiales. Costumes, modern ; scenes, two 
 interiors and an exterior. Plays a full evening. Acting rights re- 
 served. Price, 50 Cent.s. 
 
 LADY WINDERMERE'S FAN ?^r;t.ir"s!?^.I tSfe^.^'Jirte" 
 
 males. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors. Plays a full 
 evening. Acting rights reserved. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 WATHAVHAIF Play in Four Acts. By Clyde Fitch. Fifteen 
 ilAl llAl^ lllMtLi jiiales, four females. Costumes of the eighteenth 
 century in America. Scenery, four interiors and two exteriors. Act- 
 ing rights reserved. Plays a, full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 THP ftTHPD PPT I nW Couiedy in Three Acts. ByM. B. Horne. 
 IIIC UillCii rCLLrUTT j^ix males, four females. Scenery, two 
 interiors; costumes, modern. Professional stage rights reserved. 
 Plays a I ull evening. I'l-ice, 50 Cents. 
 
 TuE TYRANNY Or IbAKo chambers. Four males, th»ee fe- 
 males. Scenery, au interior and an exterior; costumes, modern. 
 Acting rights reserved. Plays a full evening. Price, 50 Cents. 
 
 A WOMAN OF NO IMPORTANCE ^^li^h^i^^, 
 
 ' seven females. Costumes, modern ; scenery, three interiors and an 
 exterior. Plays a full evening. Stage rights reserved. Oif ered for 
 reading only. Price, ,^0 Cents. 
 
 Sent prepaid on receipt of price by 
 
 Walttt 1$. TBafeer & €ompmv 
 
 No. 5 Hamilton Place, Boston, Massachusetts 
 
 • . J. PARKHILL * CO., PHINTKRS. aOSTON, U.S.*.