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STULTIFERA NAVJS ; 
 
 OK, THE 
 
 MODERN SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 A Whip for the Horse, a Bridle for the Ass, and a Rod 
 for the Fool's Back. Solomon. 
 
 (Price Eight Shillings-) 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLIAM SAVAGE, BEDFORD BURY. 
 

DEDICATION. 
 
 To that individual, if such an one exists, who resembles 
 the man sought after by the philosopher Diogenes at noon 
 day, with a lighted candle in a lanthorn *. 
 
 Unknown, 
 
 Wheresoe'er thou art, I humbly greet 
 thee, heedless of thy country, religion, lan- 
 guage, or colour; well convinced, that neither 
 climate, creed, tongue or complexion can prove 
 detrimental to the expansion of wisdom, or tend 
 to warp thee from the pursuits of everlasting 
 truth. 
 
 To thee, O Phoenix ! or to adopt the w r ords 
 of Solomon, " Beloved of my soul," do I send 
 
 * It is obvious, that our Poet did not take the honest man 
 of the Cynic, in a literal sense, but that he conceived the 
 philosopher went in search of a wise and good man, and 
 not merely of one who was proof against the temptation 
 ot purloining a silver spoon. 
 
 Colui e huomo, che puo regger se stesso. 
 
VI DEDICATION. 
 
 this little book, greeting, under the assurance, 
 that iny moral will be in unison with thy practice, 
 and consonant with thy theory, when absolute 
 action hath not led thee to display thy conduct 
 to the world of fools. 
 
 To intrude upon thee fulsome flattery would 
 be fruitless, thy discriminating sense would 
 pierce the flimsy veil : to wish thee unfading 
 happiness would be nugatory, since wisdom is 
 thy pursuit, and joys unperishable are the at- 
 tendants on those who struggle in order to its 
 attainment : to urge thee to proceed in thy ca- 
 reer with steady determination, would merely 
 hold me up to ridicule in thine eyes, since he 
 who hath tasted the delicious fruits of science, 
 would never quit the Hesperian produce " to 
 prey on garbage." Therefore naught have I 
 further to add, but take my leave, under the 
 firm conviction, that 
 
 Sapientia prima est, stultitia caruisse. 
 
 THE POET. 
 
ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 TO THE 
 
 READER. 
 
 In the thirteenth and fourteenth centuries, 
 several works written in Latin, issued from fo- 
 reign presses, similar in title and composition 
 to the plan of the present publication ; the in- 
 tention of which is to lash the reigning vices 
 and follies of mankind. These productions 
 have, for the most part, been inspected by the 
 editor, but the work which obviously appears 
 to have given the idea for the several sections 
 now under consideration, is the Ship of Fools, 
 translated into English verse by one Alexander 
 Barclay, priest, and printed in folio. Of this 
 work, numerous editions issued from the press; 
 the earliest of which was printed by Pinson, in 
 1509 ; vid. Herbert's edition of Ames, vol. i. p. 
 
Vlll ADVERTISEMENT 
 
 253, from which it should seem, that Alex- 
 ander Barclay had only completed his trans- 
 lation the preceding year, as in a subsequent 
 folio edition, bearing date 1570, the following 
 lines appear : 
 
 " Thus endeth the Ship of Fools, translated out 
 of Latin, French and Dutch, into Englishe, by 
 Alexander Barclay, priest, at that time chaplin 
 in the coledge of St. Mary Ottery, in the coun- 
 tie of Devon. An. Dom. 1508." 
 
 In the commencement of that volume, the 
 reader is informed, that Stultifera Nazis was 
 originally the labour of one Sebastian Brant, a 
 Dutchman, and Doctor of both Laws, in the 
 county of Almayne, who composed the book 
 in his native tongue, endeavouring as much as 
 possible to vie with the ancient Roman satirists; 
 not to omit the effusions of Dante and Francis 
 Petrarch, the heroic poets whom it is alleged, 
 he also took for his models. From the original 
 Dutch, the Ship of Fools was then translated 
 into Latin, by James Locher, a disciple of 
 Brant's, and was afterwards rendered into 
 
ADVERTISEMENT. IX 
 
 French by an unknown hand ; thus much are 
 we informed from the preliminary discourses of 
 Locher and Barclay; the latter of whom, in his 
 English translation, accounts in the following 
 words, for the publication of his book : 
 
 " Wherefore willing to redresse the err ours and 
 vices of this our realme of Englande, as the fore- 
 saide composer and translatours have done in 
 their countreys, I have taken upon me, howbeit 
 unworthily, to drazve into our Englishe tongue, 
 the saide booke named the Ship of Fools, so nert 
 to the saide three languages, as the parcitie of my 
 witte will suffer meT 
 
 With respect to the present Ship of Fools, 
 the editor conceives it highly necessary to ac- 
 quaint the public, that the Poetaster has, in no 
 one instance, encroached on the production of 
 Alexander Barclay, as far as relates to the body 
 of his work, having merely copied a part of hi^ 
 title-page, and inserted the running heads of 
 many of his sections # , the poetry, Latin and 
 Italian quotations, &c. being entirely the effu- 
 
 * Viz. Of foolish unprofitable books — Of new fashions, 
 and fools that wear disguised garments, &c. &c. 
 b 
 
X ADVERTISEMENT. 
 
 sions of his genius, and the result of his 
 own researches. The editor has conceived this 
 jntimation the more essentially requisite, as it 
 would be infinitely detrimental to the poet, was 
 he branded with the stigma of plagiarism, when 
 his labours are entirely original, and obviously 
 committed to paper currente calamo ; but, as 
 the writer has ventured to correct some lines in 
 the progress of these sections, he hopes that 
 the poetical part of the volume is not wholly 
 ushered into the world without Limse labor ac 
 mora ; and therefore trusts, that any trifling 
 inaccuracies which may have escaped him, will 
 be regarded leniently by that class of critics, 
 which is., perhaps, over severe in its judgment 
 on the literary productions of others. 
 
 TJJSDERthe firm assurance that the reader 
 will consider this work, in the light in which 
 it is conceived the author originally intended 
 that it should be accepted, the editor takes his 
 leave, after placing himself in the situation of 
 the versifier of this volume, exclaiming with 
 
 Ovid : 
 
 Xon ego mordaci distrinxi carmine quenquam* 
 Nulla venenata est litera mista joco* 
 
PRP^FATORY DISCOURSE 
 
 OF 
 
 THE POET. 
 
 
 It is allowed, that the mental, equally with 
 the corporeal being, stands in need of repose — • 
 I had just atchieved the last section of this my 
 Ship of Fools, when I was assailed by one of 
 those soft and genial slumbers, which will fre- 
 quently extend its influence to renovate the 
 animal system, and give new vigour to intellec- 
 tuality : 
 
 Opere in longo fas est obrepere somnum. Horace* 
 
 while entranced in this state of oblivion, a fe- 
 male form suddenly presented itself to my wan- 
 dering imagination, whose broad, fat, unmean- 
 ing countenance and vacant stare, seemed 
 
 anxious to convey an expression of displeasure^ 
 b 2 
 
Xll PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 but so aukwardly was the passion depicted, as 
 rather to excite risibility, than inspire my soul 
 with a sensation of awe, 
 
 " Dost thou not know me ?" demanded the 
 female, in sullen accents ; u Yes," I replied ; 
 for who can fix his eyes on that inexpressive 
 physiognomy, upon that cap, adorned with lanky 
 ass's ears, upon that tawdry mantle, together 
 with those jingling bells and empty ladle, with- 
 out proclaiming thee aloud, for that thou truly 
 art, Queen of Folly, or the Goddess of Fools l" 
 
 " Thou judgest right," replied the vision ; 
 " and since thou knowest me for an immortal 
 being, learn henceforth to respect my boundless 
 sway." At the conclusion of these words, 
 Erasmus's account of the parents and guardians 
 of Folly, suddenly flushed upon my mind, when 
 the following ejaculation escaped my lips : 
 
 " Yes, I know thee well : at thy concep- 
 tion Hymen did not attend, neither wast 
 thou born upon the floating Delos *, but on one 
 
 * It was on this island, which is said to have suddenly 
 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. Xlll 
 
 of those fortunate islands, whose luxurious and 
 spontaneous soil affords every thing without 
 the aid of culture; and from whence is conse- 
 quently banished labour, together with penury, 
 sickness, and old age: thy nurses were the 
 daughter of Bacchus and the progeny of Pan, 
 whose attendants were Scorn, Self-love, and 
 Adulation (sleepy-eyed), Lethe, or Oblivion; 
 Idleness with listless air, and perfumed Volup- 
 tuousness, crowned with odoriferous flowers. 
 Amidst this train of nymphs two gods appeared ; 
 the one was patron of gluttony, the other of 
 profoundest sleep. Such even now constitute 
 thy suite ; and, aided by their baleful fascina- 
 tions, dost thou hold, under thy dominion, 
 this world immense of countless fools." 
 
 " True"; answered the vision, " and since 
 thou knowest so well my sovereignty and 
 
 made its appearance on the surface of the ocean, by the 
 power of Neptune, that the persecuted Latona was per- 
 mitted to bring forth her offspring Apollo, Delos was 
 also the birth place of Diana. It is almost needless to 
 add, that Science and Chastity are total strangers to the 
 Goddess of Fools, 
 
XIV PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 power, how darest thou act in opposition to my 
 lenient decrees, and rear thy puny wit against 
 an immortal, whose shrine receives the tribut- 
 ary homage of all the sons and daughters of 
 mortality. Consign to the flames, rash and 
 imprudent bard, these labours of thy daring 
 fancy, my votaries will not heed them, but 
 laugh to scorn such frigid precepts. Come to 
 my rosy bowers, and I will feast thee with ex- 
 cess of love, with brim-full goblets of exhila- 
 rating w 7 ines, with banquettings, music, danc- 
 ing, and even 7 species of revelry; from thy 
 mind discard these baleful principles, by thee 
 denominated the beacons of wisdom ; from thy 
 brow dispel that look of austerity, and let the 
 dimpled smile of mirth assume its playful em- 
 porium. Yes: yield thyself to me; and hence- 
 forth learn to taste unfading pleasures." 
 
 Thus having spoke, Folly approached me 
 with complacency. I was not, however, to 
 be won by her alluring smiles; and, with 
 an outstretched hand, indignantly repulsed 
 her fascinating, but deceitful blandishments. 
 Being thus contemned, her fury knew no 
 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. XV 
 
 bounds; and to her aid she summoned, incon- 
 tinent, her votaries, from every region of the 
 earth; who, with gesticulations, indicating 
 hate, would fain have approached me; but 
 fruitless proved the attempt. Minerva ap- 
 peared, arrayed in the garb of Mentor, and, 
 rearing high her orbed and resplendent shield, 
 with shrieks and yells the multifarious band 
 shrunk back, dismayed at the dazzling sight; 
 and I again awoke, to laud still more the wise 
 design which had inspired my muse. 
 
 Quidquid agunt homines nostri farrago libelli. 
 
 Having thus committed to paper the off- 
 spring of my visionary fancy, which related 
 throughout to the Goddess of Fools ; it may not 
 be injudicious, in the next place, to say some- 
 thing respecting her kingdom, the situation of 
 which is so characteristically depicted by Vol- 
 taire, that I cannot do better than quote hU 
 lines, for the reader's information, 
 
 Devers la lune, ou Ton tient que jadis, 
 
 Etait place des fous le paradis # , 
 
 * It was formerly supposed, that the Fools* Paradise 
 
XVI PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 Sur les confins de cet abime immense, 
 Ou le Cahos, et l'Erebe, et la nuit, 
 Avant le temps de Tunivers produit, 
 Ont exerce leur aveugle puissance; 
 II est un vaste et caverneux sejour, 
 Peu carresse des doux rayons du jour; 
 Et qui n'a rien qu'une lumiere affreuse, 
 Froide, tremblante, incertaine, et trompeuse: 
 Pour tout etoile, on a des feux folets ; 
 L'air est peuple de petits fafardets, 
 De ce pays la reine est la sottise, &c. 
 
 Such being the region inhabited by the God- 
 dess of Fools, I shall now proceed in my Pre- 
 face, by giving a quotation from the prologue 
 of James Locher % which is, in every respect 
 consonant with the causes which induced me 
 to compose the ensuing sections: 
 
 was situated near the border of the moon ; and that the 
 region was inhabited by the spirits of ideots, silly per- 
 sons, and infants who died without receiving the bap- 
 tismal rites. Milton also speaks of the Paradise of Fools, 
 through which he makes Satan pass, in the progress of 
 his aerial journey. 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE. XVli 
 
 " To dense the vanitie and madnes of fool- 
 ishe people, of whom over great number is in the 
 realme of Englande ; therefore let every man 
 beholde and overrede this booke, and then, I 
 doubt not but he shall see the errours of his life, 
 of what condition soever he be ; in likewise as 
 he shall see in a mirrour the fourme of his coun- 
 tenaunce and visage. And if he amende suche 
 faultes as he redeth here, wherein he knoweih 
 him selfe giltie, and passe foorth the residue of 
 his life in order of good maners ; then shal he 
 have the fruite and advantage, whereto I have 
 translated (composed) this book" 
 
 This having been the laudable incitement oi 
 a translator, I trust that a motive no less praise- 
 worthy is attachable to me (the poet), who 
 claim originality throughout my effusions, 
 and who have in some measure, aimed at the 
 accomplishment of the idea of Horace, who 
 gave it as his opinion that, 
 
 Non satis est pulchra esse poemata, dulcia sunto. 
 
 Whether I have succeeded or not in my at- 
 tempt, I leave to the decision of those who 
 
XVIII PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 shall deign to peruse my lays ; but of this I 
 feel proudly confident, that nothing but the 
 welfare of my countrymen hath prompted my 
 Muse, having no incitement whatsoever, ei- 
 ther to personality or malice; for it is certainly 
 permitted me to ask, 
 
 — Ego si risi, quod ineptus 
 
 Pastillos Rufillus olet — lividus et mordex videar ? 
 
 Having thus wiped away every supposition 
 on the score of vindictive satire, on my part, 
 I shall deliver my thoughts on this head, in the 
 words of Burton, who, in his elaborate and 
 scientific Anatomy of Melancholy, has thus 
 given two Latin lines in our mother tongue : 
 
 The best and surest method of advice, 
 
 Should spare the person, tho' it brands the vice. 
 
 With respect to the multitude that will not 
 think fit to trouble itself with the perusal of my 
 labours ; or, more properly speaking, to taste 
 'i^a 7nx«, I must beg leave to acquaint such 
 votaries of folly, that the vessel, or rather the 
 jieet, of their darling goddess is ready for their 
 immediate embarkation; and, in order to bid 
 
 them adieu, I shall, therefore, have recourse 
 
 1 
 
PREFATORY DISCOURSE, XlX 
 
 to the ensuing stanzas of my worthy friend 
 Alexander Barclay, the priest. 
 
 But to assemble these fooles in one bande, 
 
 And their demerites wortily to note, 
 
 Fayne shall I shippes of every maner lande, 
 
 None shall be left, barke, galley, ship, nor bote, 
 
 One vessell can not bring them all aflote, 
 
 Tor if all these fooles were brought into one barge. 
 
 The bote should sinke, so sore should be the charge. 
 
 The sayles are haused, a pleasant coole doth blowe, 
 The fooles assemble asfaste as they may drive ; 
 Some swimmeth after, other as thicke doth rowe, 
 In their small botes, as bees about a hive, 
 The number is great, and eche one doth strive, 
 For to be chief e, as purser and captayne, 
 Quartermaster, lodesman, or els Boteswayne. 
 
 They runne to our ship, eche one doth greatly feare, 
 Least his slacke pace should cause him bide behinde ; 
 The winde riseth, and is like the sayle to teare, 
 Eche one enforceth the anker up to winde, 
 The sea swelleth by planetes well Ifinde. 
 These obscure cloudes threaten us tempest : 
 All are not in bed which shall have ill rest. 
 
 And now, friend reader, will I close these 
 prefatory lines, supplicating the interposition 
 
XX PREFATORY DISCOURSE. 
 
 of Wisdom in thy favour, that her bright ra- 
 diance may so expand around thee, as to dis- 
 sipate from thy reason the noxious vapours of 
 ignorance and folly, urging thee to discard 
 bells, cap, and ladle ; assuming in their stead 
 the dazzling spear of Minerva to afFright thine 
 adversaries; while, firm in the sacred cause, 
 thou mayest act in unison with myself, and 
 henceforth exclaim, 
 
 Quid verum atque decens euro et rogo, et omnis in 
 hoc sum. 
 
THE TABLE 
 
 OF 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Section. Page. 
 
 I. Of Foolish unprofitable Books 1 
 
 II. Of new Fashions, and Fools that wear 
 
 disguised Garments - 7 
 
 III. Of Old Fools, viz. the longer they live, 
 
 the more they are given to Folly 12 
 
 IV. Of Old Fools who hanker after Young 
 
 Women - - 15 
 
 V. Of such as know Nothing, and will learn 
 
 Nothing, or of Fools oppressed by 
 their own Folly - 19 
 
 VI. Of Foolish Counsellors, Judges, and Men 
 
 of Law - 23 
 
 VII. Of Foolish modern Wives and Fashion- 
 
 ables - 27 
 
 VIII. Of Fools who contemn and despise Reli- 
 
 gion - - - 3.1 
 
 IX. Of Foolish Gluttons and Drunkards 34 
 
XX11 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 Sec. Page. 
 
 X. Of Young Fools who marry Old ones for 
 
 love of Gold - 40 
 
 XI. Of Venal Fools 44 
 
 XII. Of Fools who Masquerade at Midnight 48 
 
 XIII. Of Fools who seek Fortune at Games of 
 
 Chance - 52 
 
 XIV. Of Foolish Priests, and babbling Parsons 
 
 in the Choir - 57 
 
 XV. Of Fools who practise vileness of Man- 
 
 ners at Table - - 63 
 
 XVI. Of Avaricious Fools - -67 
 
 XVII. Of the vice of Sloth in Fools « 70 
 
 XVIII. Of Foolish Flatterers and Glossers 74 
 
 XIX. Of the Vanity of Fools - 79 
 
 XX. Of Usurious Fools - - 82 
 
 XXI. Of Fools who superintend the Education 
 
 of Children - - . - 85 
 
 XXII. Of Prodigal Fools ... 92 
 
 XXIII. Of curious and prying Fools - 95 
 
 XXIV. Of the Fool that is Jealous of his Wife 
 
 without a Cause - 99 
 
 XXV. Of Fools that know, and are instrumental 
 
 to, their Wives' Inconstancy - 102 
 
 XXVI. Of Fools that are Passionate at Trifles 106 
 
 XXVII. Of Fools who rely on the stability of For- 
 
 tune - 110 
 
 XXVIII. Of Foolish Scoffers and Backbiters 114 
 
 XXIX. Of Fools that do other Men's Business and 
 
 neglect their own - - 116 
 
Sec. 
 
 XXX. 
 
 XXXI. 
 
 xxxir. 
 
 XXXIII. 
 XXXIV. 
 XXXV. 
 XXXVI. 
 
 XXXVII. 
 
 XXXVIII 
 
 XXXIX. 
 
 XL. 
 
 XLI. 
 
 XLII. 
 
 XLIII. 
 XLIV. 
 XLV. 
 XLVI. 
 
 XLVII. 
 
 XLVIII. 
 XLIX. 
 
 L. 
 
 LT. 
 
 CONTENTS. XXill 
 
 Page. 
 
 Of Fools who collect old Books and Prints 120 
 
 125 
 131 
 136 
 140 
 144 
 
 Of Foolish Antiquaries - 
 Of Fools who delight in the Chase - - 
 Of Fools who pretend to despise Death 
 Of discontented and unsteady Fools 
 Of Fools who go to Law for Trifles - - 
 Of Fools who provide Nothing in youth 
 
 to live in Age . 
 
 Of Fools who are in Love - 
 Of Foolish Astronomers and Star Gazers 
 Of Foolish Alchemists - 
 
 Of the Vain Boasting of Fools 
 Of Ambitious Fools - 
 Of Fools who boast theirAncestry and 
 
 Pedigree - : 
 
 Of Fools who pursue unprofitable Study 184 
 Of Foolish Poets and Authors - - 191 
 Of Imperial Fools - - - - 198 
 Of Fools who think none so wise as 
 
 themselves ----- 203 
 Of Fools who daily prolong their own 
 
 Amendment ----- go? 
 Of Noble Fools - 211 
 
 Of the Diseased Fool, that will not at- 
 tend to his Physician - - - 216 
 Of Fools that willingly put themselves in 
 
 the Way of Peril - - 220 
 
 Of Gentlemen Fools - 224 
 
 149 
 153 
 159 
 164 
 169 
 174 
 
 - 178 
 
XXIV CONTENTS, 
 
 Sec. Page. 
 
 LET. Of Fools, who, in Age, give bad Exam- 
 
 ples to Youth •» 228 
 
 ML Of the Envious Fool - - - 231 
 
 LIV. Of Fools who believe in Predestination - 235 
 
 LV. Of Martial Fools .... 2 39 
 
 LVL Of Fools who do not understand a. Game, 
 
 and yet will play - 246 
 
 LVIL Of Fools who place their Trust in He- 
 
 ritage - 249 
 
 LVIIL Of Trading Fools - - - - 253 
 
 UX. Of Fools that will not speak the Truth, 
 
 for Fear of Punishment - - 256 
 
 LX. Of Fools whose Labour constitutes their 
 
 Pleasure ----- 259 
 
 LXI. Of Fools who despise Misfortune - 262 
 
 LXTL Of the Folly of all the World - - 265 
 LXIII. Description of a Wise Man - - 268 
 
 LXIV. Ofthe Reward of Wisdom - - - 273 
 LXV. Of Back Biters, and such as shall despise 
 
 this Work ----- 274 
 LXVL The Author a Fool - 278 
 
STULTIFERA NAVIS. 
 
 SECTION I. 
 
 OF FOOLISH UNPROFITABLE BOOKS. 
 
 Os dignum aeterno nitidum quod fulgeat auro 
 Si mallet laudare Deum, cui sordid a monstra 
 Praetulit, & liquidam temperavit crimine vocem. 
 
 O how can I with any prudence dress 
 
 A theme that checks the freedom of the press,, 
 
 The great palladium which we all rely on ? 
 Far better, Caxton*, had this land been stinted 
 Of lives of saints, and all that thou hast printed, 
 
 Than e'er thine art produc'd what I say fye on . 
 
 * William Caxton was the first printer in England; he 
 established his press at Westminster, and produced a work 
 entitled, The Lives of the Saints, which may very justly 
 be styled the heavenly Maundeville, being replete with 
 so many marvellous histories. The first book printed by 
 Caxton was The Game of Chess, and the second, The 
 Dictes and sayinges of Philosophers, by Earl Rivers, 
 dated 1477* 
 
 B 
 
2 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Hadst thou ne'er usher'd in this baleful art, 
 Full many a damsel had ensur'd her heart 
 
 'Gainst subtle Jean* Jaquei nouvelh Heloist: 
 From French finesse and all les petites ruses, 
 And to les Liasons f tres dangercuses, 
 
 Our damsels ne'er had had recourse to please. 
 
 But in their boudoirs J ladies now display 
 Nugte canorte of the present day ; 
 
 Or Little poems § for the fleeting hour : 
 Effusions which our modern belles adore, 
 Who only languish as they read for More ; 
 
 Of dulcet trifles such the magic pow'r. 
 
 * The new Heloise of J. J. Rousseau is famed for the 
 fallacious principles with which it abounds, and the fas- 
 cination of the Janguage, rendering sophistry plausible 
 at the expense of our reason. 
 
 f A very celebrated French work, entitled in English, 
 Dangerous Connexions, which is calculated to mis- 
 lead the senses, and implant in the mind the most er- 
 roneous sentiments and opinions. 
 
 Has nugse seria ducunt in mala. 
 
 X Small chambers appropriated for retirement, and 
 fitted up in a luxurious style, which is in every respect 
 calculated to inflame the desires of a voluptuary. 
 
 § Many poetic effusions of this nature have, of late, 
 
OT FOOLISH BOOKS. 3 
 
 Nay, still the dear illusion to enhance, 
 Indecency is coupled with romance *, 
 
 To curtain modesty with crimson shame ; 
 As if discarding chastity from hence, 
 Was the criterion of all common sense, 
 
 And the sure beacon of the road to fame* 
 
 issued from the press, -whose rapid sale has but too evi- 
 dently indicated the taste of the present times. Of some 
 productions of this nature, concerning which we may 
 exclaim with Horace, 
 
 Versus inopes rerum, nugaeque canorae, 
 it hath been confidently asserted, that ladies of ton, not 
 satisfied with a single copy, have purchased separate 
 impressions for the carriage, the boudoir, and the dress- 
 ing room, while a fourth has not unfrequently been de- 
 posited under the pillow at night, to serve as a gentle 
 lullaby. 
 
 *Some famous, or rather infamous, works of this nature, 
 have met the public eye, to the disgrace of the writers,whose 
 labours are well calculated to adorn an index expur gat o- 
 rius ; but this is not all, for our literary gentlemen (as 
 they term themselves) not contented with their own de* 
 reliction, must needs ransack the productions of Parisian 
 irreligion, false philosophy, and immorality, in order to 
 give them publicity in this country, by means of transla^ 
 tion, witness the Delphine of Mad. Stael, together with 
 an hundred et caeteras. And as if the mania was never 
 b2 
 
4 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 But poems and romances, what are they, 
 When new philosophy * illumes the way? 
 
 Sages of Greeceand Rome are naught, I ween; 
 Friends of the Bonnet Rouge can all o'ertop, 
 And not with tongue alone their logic chop, 
 
 Witness the annals of the Guillotine. 
 
 L'ENVOYf OF THE POET. 
 
 Hold, hold, my Muse, deceitful books, farewell; 
 Till human nature cons your page no more : 
 
 to end ; nothing had such a run for a period, as the trash 
 that was advertised as coming piping-hot from the Ger- 
 man school ; in short, we have been inundated with Gal- 
 •lie philosophy, morality, &c. and the German extrava- 
 ganza, both literary and dramatic. 
 
 Li matti hanno bolletta di dir cio che vogliano. 
 
 * It would be needless to dilate upon this topic, as the 
 fanatics of a neighbouring country, not to lay any stress 
 upon those gentlemen who have figured on this side of 
 the water, have given incontrovertible testimony of the 
 fallacy of their opinions, by the overthrow of those sysr 
 tems, or castles in the air, with which they amused 
 themselves, to the destruction of all social order, and the 
 consequent butchery of thousands of their fellow citizens. 
 
 f As the above word is made use of in the translation 
 of Alexander Barclay, from whose publication the poet 
 
OF FOOLISH BOOKS. 5 
 
 Degraded man each virtue shall expel, 
 And robes of modesty bedeck the whore. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis*> 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera f Navis. 
 
 took his idea of the present work; it appears evident 
 that he did not think fit to alter the same, as throughout 
 all his sections no other word is applied to denote that 
 he sends his advice to the several classes of fools, con* 
 cerning whom he treats in this book. 
 
 * As these words are usually, adverted to in speaking 
 of any individual pre-eminent in wisdom or excellence, 
 the poet has, it is conjectured, conceived himself li- 
 censed in using them, while treating of those who are 
 equally prominent in folly. 
 
 t It is hoped that the poetic licence of the bard, in 
 having lengthened the syllable fe as above will be for- 
 given, as the word should certainly be pronounced thus, 
 stultifera. Even the great and classic Mr. Pope has not 
 scrupled to take a liberty more unclassical in abbreviat- 
 ing the pronunciation of the English word satellites, which, 
 if properly read, would render his line short and inhar- 
 monious; but if regarded as Latin, even then the poet 
 is wrong, as it should be, according to grammatical rules, 
 satellita. 
 
 u Jove's satellites are less than Jove." 
 
6 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 This, however, is not the only instance, as similar It* 
 berties have been taken by most of our poetical writers, 
 and on that plea the annotator grounds his hope, that 
 the public will excuse the license taken by the present 
 bard. 
 
( 7 > 
 
 SECTION II. 
 
 OF NEW FASHIONS, AND FOOLS THAT WEAt* 
 DISGUTSED GARMENTS. 
 
 Ad populum phaleras, ego te intus et in cute novi. 
 
 Go bide thy face, dame Decency, while I 
 Descant on fashions and our ladies' dress; 
 
 Their modes are folly, and their drapery 
 One yard of gauze # to cover nakedness. 
 
 With lawn transparent are their bosoms bound, 
 Alluring ev'ry eye to view the sight ; 
 
 While stomach, taper waist, and contour round, 
 Are visible thro' cambric twin'd so tight. 
 
 * It is absolutely impossible to walk the streets of Lon- 
 don, without witnessing the truth of this remark ; as the 
 ladies, not contented with parading all but naked, must 
 needs "heighten the scene, by grasping tightly round them 
 the small portion of drapery they have, whereby the 
 whole contour from the waist downwards, is just as per- 
 ceptible, as if they had no covering at all. 
 
8 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 One petticoat or drawers* of muslin thin, 
 From heavVs rude blast protects the fragile 
 maid ; 
 
 Maid did I say — What difPrence in the sin, 
 The harlot's act, or limbs by lust array 'd ? 
 
 Or view the milliner's inventive art, 
 In hips elastic, and full swell behind ; 
 
 Stays " a la Je ne + sfais quoi" at once impart, 
 That nature's naught without such modes re* 
 fin'd. 
 
 * As a trifling effort of Boreas might elevate, or the 
 rude push of a passenger cause a rent in the thin petticoat 
 or chemise, whereby a total exposure would be inevita- 
 ble, the expedient of wearing drawers of muslin has been 
 resorted to, which, in some instances, are converted by 
 Dashers into trowsers, with the addition of a deep 
 fringe of lace,, which is carefully displayed by the short- 
 ness of the petticoat dangling about the ancles. So much 
 for decency I 
 
 f This article of dress, not only obviates any pressure, 
 upon the bosom, but, if necessity requires it, substitutes, 
 by cotton wadding, any deficiency. With respect to the 
 stomach, and Butler's renowned seat of honour, the wadd- 
 ing is also continued to that part, with the addition of 
 whalebone, so as to compress the dcvant, and give elas- 
 
OF NEW FASHIONS* 9 
 
 Naught was the swelling Pad # compared to this, 
 Indeed, for beauty it was ne'er design'd ; 
 
 But that a woman still might seem a miss, 
 A single hour before she was confin'd. 
 
 Tight let the Grecian tresses bind the head, 
 And countless ringlets, u A la Recamieref ," 
 
 ticity and rotundity to the derriere, by which means, 
 should the rude touch of an inebriated carman chance to 
 come in contact with honour's throne, the grasp would 
 not be felt, and that much redoubted seat of majesty* 
 would consequently escape insult. 
 
 * This convenient appendage to the stomach, levelled 
 at once all distinctions with single and married ladies, ex- 
 cepting, that what was artificial in the mother, was fre- 
 quently natural in the daughter. 
 
 . f This appellation was derived from the Parisian lady 
 who gave the ton to a vast profusion of cork-screw curls, 
 ranged upon the forehead like rows of twisted wires, simi- 
 lar to what are placed near the cranks of bells to give them 
 elasticity. In order to produce the thin glossy appear- 
 ance which constitutes the beauty of these tresses, (not 
 unlike the lovelocks in the time of Charles the First) it is 
 necessary, after curling with the irons, to divide and sub- 
 divide each ringlet, which is then passed through the 
 fingers of the dressing woman, who has previously wetted 
 them with some sweet scented oil. 
 
10 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 In greasy order o'er the front be spread, 
 The whole a peruque *, fye on nat'ral hair. 
 
 The deaden'd lustre of that once bright eye, 
 The tinge vermilion with white lead conjoin'd, 
 
 Fain would revive, while health's rose blooming 
 dye, 
 By dissipation long hath been purloin'd. 
 
 Naked the arms, the shoulders too are bare, 
 Lest calves and ancles blush men'seyes to meet 
 
 In silk array'd ; while crimson f clocks compare 
 To flames of fire on Satan's cloven feet. 
 
 * As to nature, she has literally no more to do with 
 modern taste in this particular, than a magpie has occasion 
 for a Greek lexicon. How, in the name of common sense* 
 should the simple goddess define what is so suitable to our 
 complexions as we ourselves can ? besides, what would 
 become of Mr. Collick the hair-merchant, and the nume- 
 rous gentlemen of Mr. Vicary's calling — No lady of ton 
 can possibly think of less than ten wigs in constant wear, 
 in short, there should be one suited to every look and to 
 every passion. 
 
 f The diversity of coloured silk stockings, which have 
 graced the legs of our Belles, has conduced, it is ima- 
 gined,, to heighten their predeliction for making those 
 
 4 
 
OF NEW FASHIONS. 11 
 
 No more must female beauties be conceal'd, 
 Poor decency, alas ! hath had a fall ; 
 
 For men were usM to wed charms unreveal'd; 
 But now they marry what is known to all. 
 
 i/envoy of the poet. 
 
 Though common decency implores in vain, 
 Still must I counsel, and the truth disclose ; 
 
 For nakedness ensures rheumatic pain, 
 
 So be advis'd, my maids, put on your clothes. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 limbs so very public, by a uniform method now adopted 
 of twitching up the gown on one side as high as the garter, 
 
 " Honi soit qui mal y pense." 
 Some fashionables, however, have not confined these har- 
 lequinade hose to their own legs, but have equipped even 
 their lacqueys in variegated stockings. We do not, how- 
 ever, mean by this, any comparison whatsoever with the 
 has jaundtre of our blue-coat boys, the former being the 
 insignias of puppyism and folly, whereas the latter, are 
 the united badges of charity, wisdom, and science. 
 
( 12 ) 
 
 SECTION III. 
 
 OF OLD FOOLS VIZ. THE LONGER THEY LIVE 
 
 THE MORE THEY ARE GIVEN TO FOLLY. 
 
 The hoary head is a crown of glory, if it be found ia 
 the way of righteousness. Solomon. 
 
 Spite of the winters thou hast told, 
 Thy frozen blood/ thy visage old, 
 
 Thy reason still is mute : 
 'Tis not the infancy of age 
 That lulls thy sense — 'tis still the rage 
 
 To wear the youthful suit. 
 
 Thine hairs of honour turn'd quite grey, 
 By thee contemn'd, are shorn away, 
 In flaxen tresses 'ray'd # ; 
 
 •> 
 
 * Every reader must allow the justice of these remarks of 
 the poet, for even the most casual observer cannot saun- 
 ter down Bond Street in the fashionable season, without 
 witnessing living objects of this cast, whose grey hairs, 
 
O* OLD FOOLS. 13 
 
 Instead of suit demure I see, 
 Thy wither'd frame in foppery 
 Through Bond Street oft parade. 
 
 I hear no precepts from thy tongue, 
 To check th' imprudence of the young, 
 
 Thyself more fool than they ; 
 Experience having knock'd in vain 
 To gain admittance to thy brain, 
 
 Obscur'd is wisdom's ray. 
 
 The wise contemn, the young deride, 
 For thee respect is e'en deny'd ; 
 From sentiment exempt; 
 
 the insignias of age, and the ensurers of respect, are 
 shaven off; while in their place is substituted a curly 
 boyish wig, accompanied with the extravagant livery of 
 the latest fashion, and gouty feet wedged into thin dress 
 pumps, which, notwithstanding their natty appearance 
 convince the wearer at every step, by the acuteness of the 
 twinge endured, that the guise of youth does not become 
 him. Yet, all in vain, he bids defiance to advice, nor 
 heeds the poet who exclaims, 
 
 Sperne voluptates, nocet empta dolore voluptas. 
 
14 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Thy death-bed views thee void of friend, 
 When gone, no tongue laments thine end, 
 Thy passing knell's — Contempt *• 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 The hoary head, with wisdom's radiance crown'd, 
 Lives to inculcate what experience taught ; 
 
 In death bequeathing this bright truth profound, 
 I liv'd to learn — left others wisdom fraught, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * It is most assuredly a matter of serious regret, that 
 the vain folly of old persons is far more detrimental to 
 the rising generation than to themselves. With what de- 
 gree of confidence, let me ask, can the preceptor and in- 
 structor produce as an example, such a father to the pu- 
 pil he is tutoring? If his lessons are correct, they must 
 inevitably hold up the parent in a contemptible and de- 
 based point of view ; and if, on the other hand, he vin_ 
 dicates the follies of the father, he extends the fostering 
 hand to vice, and thus willingly contaminates the mind 
 which he was imperiously called upon to rear in the 
 paths of science, virtue, and honour. 
 
 A testa bianca spesso cervello manca. 
 
( 14 ) 
 SECTION IV. 
 
 OF OLD FOOLS WHO HANKER AFTER YOUNG 
 WOMEN. 
 
 Concubitu prohibere vago. 
 
 Hast thou sixty winters counted, 
 And on back of goat still mounted 
 
 With a coifs tooth # in thine head : 
 Front quite bald, and small eyes leering, 
 Lips which still proclaim thee steering 
 
 To the harlot's reeking bed ? 
 
 Now by some dark alley f waiting, 
 Hottest lust thy soul elating, 
 All thy wither'd limbs on fire ; 
 
 * There might be many instances adduced of this pro- 
 pensity still remaining in full force with persons, though 
 not even a stump of the strongest grinder is left in their 
 jaws. Such a deficiency, however, is easily replaced by 
 rows of ivory, which speedily imbibe a deep yellow tinge, 
 a certain index of the raging and unquenchable fire that 
 burns- within. 
 
 f The picture here displayed by the poet, cannot be 
 
16 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Knees unsteady, legs quite spindle, 
 Bloodless frame, that seems to dwindle, 
 Parch'd with feverish vain desire. 
 
 AH thy life one scene of riot, 
 Days unsteady, nights unquiet, 
 
 Fancy ever on the rack ; 
 Forming plans for which thou'rt thirsting, 
 But tm trial prove disgusting, 
 
 Heaping ennui on thy back. 
 
 Senseless ideot ; driv'ller # tell me, 
 Think'st thou -virtue e'er will sell thee, 
 Mind untainted, beauty, grace ! 
 
 more strikingly exemplified than in the first plate of the 
 Harlot's Progress, from the pencil of that inimitable sa- 
 tirist, Hogarth, which displays the arrival of a beautiful 
 country girl in the metropolis, who is supposed to have 
 that moment alighted from the waggon, being accosted by 
 an artful procuress ; while in the back ground appears the 
 
 infamous Colonel C rt — s, her employer, whose age 
 
 and attitude may serve as a resemblance of our poet's 
 hoary headed debauchee. 
 
 * Nothing affords matter for more melancholy reflection, 
 than to witness this dotage in men who, during the vi- 
 gour of manhood, ennobled themselves; a striking instance 
 of which is recorded in the person of the renowned Ed- 
 
OF OLD FOOLS. 17 
 
 Aged impotence *, believe me, 
 All thy fancy 'd joys deceive thee, 
 Thine's the harlot's bought embrace. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 The soul's great bane is mental idleness : 
 Watch ev'ry thought, nor let the mind be 
 mute. 
 
 ward III. who, at the age of 77, was the slave of one 
 Alice Pearce, whom he denominated the " Lady of 
 beauty*, and in whose honour tiltings and tournaments 
 were held in Smithfield, at which the court attended. 
 But nothing can more pointedly display the folly of such 
 conduct than the close of that great man's life, who was 
 attended on his death-bed by this fascinating dame, who, 
 finding the monarch's end fast approaching, threw aside 
 all those fascinations which she had been in the habit of 
 adopting to subjugate him, and, blind to every principle 
 but that of interest, even at the trying hour of dissolu- 
 tion, she busied herself in tearing the jewels from off 
 his fingers, and possessing every thing valuable that pre- 
 sented itself to her view. 
 
 * The great and politic Elizabeth, when in her 76th 
 
 year, doted on the memory of the Earl of Essex, for 
 
 whom a solemn dance was given, at which Mrs. Tiffin, 
 
 one of her ladies, was habited in character, and presented 
 
 c 
 
18 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 If temperance in youth checks rash excess, 
 Its sober pleasures with its years shall suit. 
 
 THE PORT'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stukifera Navis. 
 
 herself to the queen, who, pretending to be surprised at 
 her appearance, demanded, 
 
 " Pray, who are you ?* 
 
 u Affection", answered Mrs. Tiffin. 
 
 te Affection's false", replied the queen. Upon which 
 the lady wooed her Majesty to dance, which, we are in- 
 formed, she did most solemnly, in despite of age and the 
 falsehood of affection. 
 
 
( 19 ) 
 
 SECTION V. 
 
 OF SUCH AS KNOW NOTHING, AND WILL 
 LEARN NOTHING, OR OF FOOLS OPPRESS- 
 ED BY THEIR OWN FOLLY. 
 
 Though thou shouldst bray a fool in a mortar, among 
 wheat, with a pestle, yet will not his foolishness depart 
 from him. Solomon. 
 
 Say, what is this, a painted butterfly, 
 Or antic harlequin of motly dye, 
 
 What is't that thus disgraceth human nature ? 
 'Tis Adam's progeny in face and shape, 
 In port and conduct but a very ape # ; 
 
 A man of fashion : vile, insipid creature ! 
 
 * Indeed there are too many of this description, whose 
 painted cheeks, perfumed linen, blackened eyebrows, and 
 stay-laced shapes, together with affected utterance, dis- 
 grace the title of manhood. 
 
 Simiaquam similis, turpissima bestia, nobis. 
 Now tell me, ye petit maitres, do ye know your like- 
 nesses ? 
 
 c 2 
 
20 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 His speech a lisp, his gaze a vacant stare. 
 His walk a drawl, and listlessness his air, 
 
 While for his manhood he's the taylor's debtor, 
 With wadded coat and wadded short clothes too, 
 With tight-Jae'd stays, that he may seem to view, 
 A killing youth — a felon hung in fetter. 
 
 What, felon ? Yea ; but not of common sense ; 
 Purloiner of an ideot's impudence, 
 
 For, arni'd with folly # loudly he'll bespatter; 
 Talk of his wench; naught else has he to say : 
 And fright the subjects on the king's highway, 
 
 Who Beth'lem's guest f believe him by his. 
 chatter. 
 
 * Not only in conversation do these hermaphrodites 
 prove that ex nihilo nihil fit, they have even sometimes 
 the effrontery to set themselves up for men of literature, 
 when they never fail to verify the line of Horace. 
 Boeotum in crasso jurares aere natum. 
 
 f I should advise a revision of the code of laws, insti- 
 tuted for the suppression of public nuisances; among the 
 foremost of which ought certainly to be included these 
 pests of society, whom I would render indictable by men 
 Df common sense, subjecting them to the public lash of 
 the ridicule they so richly deserve. 
 
 
OF FASHIONABLE FOOLS. 21 
 
 At night the man of ton, prepar'd for rout, 
 With op'ra hat and folly tinsell'd out, 
 
 Determined is thro* thick and thin to dash on, 
 Splutters forth nonsense, which, with kindred 
 
 elves, 
 Passes for* wit ; because they are themselves 
 Yoke fellows # all, and people of high 
 fashion f. 
 
 * There is nothing very wonderful in this, when we 
 ask the simple question, and hear its solution, Quare 
 facit opium dormire ? Quia in eo est virtus dormitiva. 
 
 f As a convincing proof that the most trivial circum- 
 stances will agitate these things — these men of straw, 
 the following stanzas are founded on absolute fact, the 
 despairing youth being one of our refined fashionable li- 
 terati. 
 
 In circles of fashion Sir Saunter was known ; 
 His manners, in all things, were purely his own ; 
 He always was busy with nothing to do, 
 Wou'd fret if his buckle sat ill on his shoe; 
 Was nervous and dying, goodnatur'd and easy, 
 And prattled soft nothings, in order to please ye. 
 
 It happ'd on a time, 'twas at Chiswick, they say, 
 A Duchess gave breakfast at five in the day. 
 Sir Saunter, of course, 'mid the foremost was seen, 
 To simper and saunter with all on the green, 
 
£2 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 i/envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Instil sage precepts in the youthful brain, 
 Cull ev'ry weed, each dawning passion scan: 
 
 Maturity shall well requite thy pain, 
 And dignify with science rising man. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Where England's first prince, with a smile on each 
 
 feature, 
 Received ev'ry greeting with cordial good nature. 
 
 Sir Saunter then tripp'd to a lady so kind, 
 
 O ! madam, said he, IVe a weight on my mind ; 
 
 Indeed, now the truth of the matter is this, 
 
 I'm only one shade from the regions of bliss; 
 
 For had my green coat been but darker one dye, 
 
 Twould have match 'd with the prince's as I am like I. 
 
( 23 *) 
 
 SECTION VI. 
 
 OF FOOLISH COUNSELLORS, JUDGES, AND 
 MEN OF LAW. 
 
 To do justice and judgment is more acceptable to the 
 Lord than sacrifice. Solomon. 
 
 II retto giudice piu alia giustitia, che a gli huomini ha 
 riguardo. 
 
 And can no quibble law itself excuse ; 
 Must I condemn thee spite of all thy ruse? 
 
 A woncTrous tale my chronicle now tells : 
 For in the place of judge's robe sedate, 
 The lawyer's garb, the wig # on counsel's pate, 
 
 I view a zany's ladle, ears, and bells. 
 
 * The owl-like consequence transferred by a copious 
 wig to the physiognomy of the wearer is never more 
 strikingly exemplified than in Westminster Hall, where 
 the tiers of benches are certainly crowded with wigs on 
 blocks; for out of the number of their wearers, half a 
 dozen only render themselves conspicuous : the rest be- 
 ing merely automatons: and of them it may indeed, with 
 
24 THE -SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Say what's thy judgment, pr'ytbee, silly ass. 
 Brittle thyself as any Venice glass ; 
 
 Dar'st thou take life which Heav'n alone 
 can give ? 
 What are thy quirks, deceitful man of law ? 
 What are thy pleadings, counsel, when a flaw 
 
 Condemns the guiltless, bids the guilty live. 
 
 truth be said, The wisdom's in the wig, the wig — the wis- 
 dom's in the wig. The following little anecdote being 
 very applicable to our young wearers of the bar gown, 
 is here introduced byway of a friendly hint to those flip- 
 pant youths, whose bags are as void of briefs as their 
 heads of brains. 
 
 A young, pert, prating lawyer one day boasted to the 
 facetious counsellor Costello, that he had received five 
 and twenty guineas, for speaking in a certain case, "And 
 I", said Mr. Costello, "received double that sum for 
 holding my tongue in the same cause v . — But to recur 
 to the subject of our note. In delineating the sapience 
 displayed by the human physiognomy, when surrounded 
 by this copious appendage of hair, our Hogarth has 
 proved himself no less excellent, than on every other 
 occasion, wherein he has given scope to his extraordinary 
 talents : for let my reader but refer to that artist's plate 
 concerning wigs, and their wearers ; and however unac- 
 quainted with the rules of Lavater, he, nevertheless, 
 cannot fail to discover at the first glance stupidity, igno- 
 rance, and gluttony, embosomed in the ample wig. 
 
OF FOOLISH COUNSELLORS. 25 
 
 Right is to thee a pleasing masquerade; 
 Thine object's lucre ; justice but a trade : 
 
 The fee will win thee, be it foul or fair. 
 Browbeat # the evidence, turn black to white, 
 Hoodwink the jury by sophistic flight, 
 
 Hear innocence condemned : what need'st 
 thou care. 
 
 Sable's thy robe : well fitted to impart 
 The sabler dye that stains thy callous heart, 
 
 Glutted with gold, by fell extortion got. 
 Thy darling principle is self alone : 
 The cries of injur'd, and the pris'ner's groan, 
 
 Ne'er urge thee to commiserate their lot. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Mark o'er thine headnow hangs the steady scale, 
 Poiz'd in the hand supreme the balance see; 
 
 * This plan of browbeating, or to speak more properly, 
 frightening a witness out of his wits, which is merely sub- 
 stituting one letter for another, making him witless in- 
 stead of witness, is now reduced to a regular system ; 
 consequently the grand art of counsel at present is not 
 only to force an upright man to commit perjury by this 
 species of tongue-baiting, but also cause a verdict to be 
 given against the party who has justice on his side. 
 
26 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Knock at thy breast, and should stern justice 
 fail, 
 Think on that judgment which must wait 
 on thee. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis, 
 
( 27 ) 
 SECTION VII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH MODERN WIVES AND FASHION- 
 ABLES. 
 
 As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair wo- 
 man which is without discretion. Solomon. 
 
 Ye dames of title, by example led, 
 
 May safely wrong your senseless husband's bed; 
 
 Fearless of monitor or partial blame, 
 
 Since mere publicity entails your shame. 
 
 Ye feel no spark of love's celestial fire ; 
 Yours th' infuriate throb of fierce desire, 
 With mind thus tutor'd, caution is your plan : 
 *Tis naught to you, so man succeeds to man*. 
 
 * Notwithstanding this apparent ill nature of the poet, 
 there are, nevertheless, sufficient public examples to 
 bear him out in his assertions; but had he been possessed 
 of the powers of the famous devil on two sticks, which 
 would have enabled him to learn such instances as were 
 hidden from publicity, Merciful Heaven ! what would 
 he not then have had to say ! for Quae fuerant vitia 
 mores sunt : and the contagion is now become general : 
 for the prim citizen's wife knows the practical meaning 
 
€8 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 But if, alas! some chambermaid espies, 
 Through crack or key-hole, with her prying eyes, 
 Such little tiltings, straight some scribbling wag 
 Will advertise your cast off camphire bag # . 
 
 of the word intrigue equally as well as the west end of 
 the town lady of title; and we may therefore very justly 
 say, 
 
 Behold the duchess or the countess free, 
 With mind as prone to sensuality 
 As Mrs. Tahby, that on pent-house mews, 
 Or Drury's ladies, who frequent the stews : 
 Yet not to titled dames alone must I 
 Attribute these soft failings; by the bye, 
 Tradesmen and cits your titled great may scorn ; 
 But they alike are deck'd with cuckold's horn. 
 But all this is very excusable, when put in competition 
 with the loves of ancient heroines ; witness Pasipha, who 
 received the tender embraces of a bull, and Semiramis 
 those of horses, &c.&c. 
 
 * Never surely was a more facetious adventure than 
 that alluded to in the above line ; and, as the lady did 
 not exactly understand her own mind, nor the youth 
 precisely know how to win her for a time, we will, by 
 way of advice for young gentlemen in future, note down 
 a prescription which never yet was found to fail in its 
 effects. 
 
 Whene'er a woman vows she's chaste, 
 Then gently clasp her round the waist; 
 
OF FOOLISH MODERN WIVES. £9 
 
 Then what ensues? like Richard for his horse. 
 The horned husband cries, divorce, divorce; 
 Flies to the Commons *, spends his money there, 
 And, sanction'd by the Lords, parts with his fair. 
 
 So even justice having made one — two, 
 Religion sanctions what the laws undo : 
 And thus th' adult'rer, who the wife purloinM, 
 By holy wedlock's to th' adultVess join'd. 
 
 Whene'er she strives to ape the prude, 
 
 Be bold: you cannot be too rude. 
 
 But when she vows she'll naught permit, 
 
 She means to ask, and will submit; 
 
 For all her practice is but guile ; 
 
 Tis nay for yea, and frown for smile. 
 * It is surely a very hard case that a poor man should 
 be compelled to wear his antlers, without being per- 
 mitted to butt with them ; leaving him to exclaim with 
 Lucio, in Measure for Measure, " Married to a punk is 
 pressing to death, whipping, and hanging/* But such 
 is however the case, since none who cannot well pay for 
 their sport, are entitled to redress from the gentlemen of 
 the Commons ; consequently in this particular the great 
 and the rich have the best of it; and it is doubtless, on 
 this account, they make so light of publicity in matters of 
 love ; as they delicately term such gross dereliction from 
 conjugal duties. 
 
SO THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET, 
 
 Rear'd in the paths of chastity, a wife 
 
 Should guard her honour and her husband's 
 fame ; 
 
 And teach her children that a spotless life 
 Entails bliss here — hereafter a good name. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis. 
 Crowds flock to man ray StultiferaN avis. 
 
( 31 ) 
 
 SECTION VIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO CONTEMN AND DESPISE 
 RELIGION. 
 
 Parcus deorum cultor, et infrequens insanientis dum 
 sapientise consultus erro; nunc retrorsum vela dare atque 
 iterare cursus cogor relictos. 
 
 To taunt religion now a days, 
 
 And laugh to scorn all sacred writ; 
 
 From ideot tongues ensures loud praise, 
 And passes for consummate wit. 
 
 The Church, with ev'ry form of Pray'r, 
 For reason's Temple # men disdain ; 
 
 And turn to jest the pastor's care, 
 
 Because some points he can't explain. 
 
 * Much has been, and is said, of the Age of Reason — 
 the Temple of Reason, and the Goddess of Reason, yet 
 it is not a little to be wondered at, that those very beings 
 who so constantly make these their themes are in them- 
 selves, the most unreasonable, for while maintaining stre- 
 nuously such opinions, they nevertheless allow, that if the 
 
32 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 " What" cries the Deist, with a sneer, 
 " Redemption ! — Priests may gain their ends;" 
 w But would a parent pay so dear 
 " As give a son to save his friends :" 
 
 <( A great First Cause", the Atheists cry, 
 " Consummate nonsense to advance ;" 
 
 " That boundless space which men call sky" 
 "Contains a God — there's none but Chance" 
 
 And canst thou jeer at mercy's theme, 
 Nor think upon thy soul's dread loss ? 
 
 Canst thou deride, for impious dream. 
 Thy bleeding Saviour on the Cross ; 
 
 world was peopled throughout with men who had laid 
 down such principles as the basis of their conduct 
 through life, every human institution would be at an 
 end, and a general scene of devastation characterise 
 the face of nature ; but in order to validate this po- 
 sition beyond a doubt, the train of events which 
 disgraced revolutionary France, bid defiance to all con- 
 tradiction, proving, that those children of Reason were 
 every thing but rational, being even debased by enormity 
 that enhorrors human nature. Such then being the case, 
 farewell to Reason, which is not sanctioned by religion, 
 for, Ludere cum sacris never yet was found to consti- 
 tute a part of the creed of any wise and rational being; 
 but, on the contrary, has been tolerated only by madmen, 
 knaves, and fools. 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE RELIGION. S3 
 
 For shame, for shame, no longer yield, 
 Thy dormant faith arouse from sleep : 
 
 Drive irreligion from the field, 
 
 Nor laugh at what made angels weep, 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If doubts assail thee, bid thy reason speak: 
 This truth must ev'ry wav'ring thought disarm : 
 
 That faith whose attribute is mild and meek, 
 Can only tend to good — not lead to harm. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 34 ) 
 
 SECTION IX. 
 
 OF FOOLISH GLUTTONS AND DRUNKARDS. 
 
 Be not among wine-bibbers ; among riotous eaters of 
 flesh. 
 
 For the Drunkard and the Glutton shall come to po* 
 verty; and drowsiness shall clothe a man with rags. 
 
 Solomon* 
 
 To city feast* my prying gaze I turn, 
 Profusion on the board I there discern, 
 
 * Repasts of this nature have long been proverbial; nor 
 does the appearance of the leading men east of Temple 
 Bar, bely the general opinion of their capability and prow- 
 ess at the knife and fork exercise : in vain doth modera- 
 tion cry out, Lucisti satis, edisti satis atque bibisti ; tern 
 pus abire tibi est; deaf to all such warnings, they continue 
 the attack; and instances have been known, that, on the 
 arrival of an unexpected dish, the already gorged alderman* 
 thrown into an ecstacy at the luscious view, has waddled 
 from the table, and having, by the assistance of potent 
 libations of salt and water, eased in some degree the over- 
 burdened stomach, he has forthwith returned to charge 
 the object of his gluttonv, and satiated his vengeance 
 by a glorious indigestion. Plures crapula quam gladius. 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS. 35 
 
 While goggle eyes # stare eager to begin : 
 With smack of lips the pil'd up ladle see 
 Reeking with eallipash and callipee, 
 
 For forc'd meat balls they dash thro' thick 
 and thin. 
 
 The ven'son next, then turkeys, geese and chine, 
 Wash'd down with oceans of Madeira wine ; 
 
 O despicable glutton, think but on die tortures which thou 
 inflictest on the poor skate, ere it is crimped, to satiate 
 thine appetite, and blush to own thyself a human being. 
 
 * At all periods has the inordinate gratification of this 
 sense been considered by its votaries. The famed Anacreon, 
 greedily indulging his appetite, was choked with a grape 
 stone. Heliogabalus delighted in feasting on the tongues of 
 nightingales and the brains of peacocks; while the fol- 
 lowers of Epicurus ransacked the culinary art, in order to 
 invent dishes that were calculated to pamper this bestial 
 propensity. Nay, and among the tribe of guttling fools of 
 more modern date may rank Worlidge the famous engraver 
 of gems, who was so fond of good living as to expend one 
 guinea on a pint of peas, although he had not at the time 
 a shoe to his foot, and was literally repairing to a disciple 
 of Crispin's, in order to procure a pair, when in Covent 
 Garden Market, this fascinating object presented itself to 
 his greedy eyes. 
 
 D2 
 
36 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Fricandoes, fricassees, veal, mutton, beef; 
 Tarts, custards, jellies, blanc mange, and ice 
 
 creams : 
 Such are the joys ally'd to city dreams; 
 
 For gold they labour, guttling's * their relief* 
 
 * Hogarth's celebrated print of the election feast, affords 
 ■an inimitable picture of excess in gluttony, displayed in the 
 representation of one of the party at the electioneering 
 feast, who being overgorged, is just expiring of a fit of 
 apoplexy, while at the end of the fork, still grasped in his 
 hand, appears an oyster, which had been intended for the 
 next mouthful. But although many instances in real life 
 have been related of the inordinate love of guttling which 
 has characterized the natives of this island, it is never- 
 theless conceived, that the reader must allow, from the 
 following statement, that the natives of other countries 
 may out-eat us. During the last war, a Prussian soldier 
 at Liverpool literally devoured at one meal — a live cat — 
 two pounds of bullock's liver, and two pounds of candles 
 — with respect to rats and mice, they were regarded as 
 such choice dainties in his estimation, that he would vora- 
 ciously dispatch all that came in his way, and it is ab- 
 solutely a fact, that this ravenous propensity created such 
 an acute feeling, that the drummer and fifer boys were 
 afraid of appearing before this cormorant, lest he should 
 be led to take a fancy to an arm or a shoulder, and sud- 
 denly place his grinders in contact with human flesh. 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS. 37 
 
 To find out drunkards # , T need not go far, 
 They're west as well as east,, of Temple Bar ; I 
 
 For noble, seaman, soldier, churchman too, 
 The 'squire, the peasant, nay, the modest lambs> 
 I mean our ladies — they with frequent drams, 
 
 Will fuddle noses till they're red and blue, 
 
 * In speaking of drunkenness, Arcanum demens detegit 
 ebrietas, it is not only the foe to decency and reason, but 
 when indulged in to excess, absolutely incapacitates the 
 sot from the smallest c@rporeal effort. As a proof of this, 
 a fact is recorded of a certain military commander, who 
 indulged in copious libations at the mess table, from 
 which all the company had retired, excepting himself 
 and one bottle companion, with whom he chose to com- 
 plete the debauch over a large bowl of punch. This son of 
 Mars having drank for a time until he had rendered his 
 companion senseless, and desirous of proving himself a 
 superior votary to the orgies of Bacchus, grasped the vessel, 
 in order to empty its contents, when finding himself incapa- 
 ble of raising it to his lips, from the effects of inebriety, he 
 bent his mouth to the edge of the bowl, which he tilted, 
 resting his arms on the table, and while in this position, 
 being unsteady from the effect of liquor, he slipped for- 
 ward, when his face became immerged in the intoxicating 
 draught, and in that situation he continued immovable, 
 and was shortly suffocated. But not to speak of such 
 deadly effects, the mere inebriety which constitutes the 
 
38 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 See nature's paragon bereft of sense, 
 With gait unsteady, prone to impudence, 
 
 And ev'ry act that's loathsome in the beast: 
 Such is our Bacchus — but my picture's done, 
 If in the human frame I view as one 
 
 A drunkard and a glutton at a feast. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 From all intemperance let man abstain, 
 And sober reason be his constant guide ; 
 
 He ne'er in folly's boat will share the pain, 
 Of such as row at once 'gainst wind and tide. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 boast of mankind may always be said to verify on the 
 ensuing morning these lines of Horace. 
 
 Corpus onustum 
 
 Hesternis vitiis animum quoque praegravat una\ 
 And speaking of the capability of the English in 
 drinking, Shakspeare thus expresseth himself. 
 
 " I learned it in England, where indeed they are most 
 
OF GLUTTONOUS FOOLS. 39 
 
 potent in potting; your Dane, your German, and your 
 swag-bellied Hollander, are nothing to your English. 
 
 Is your Englishman so exquisite in his drinking? 
 
 Why he drinks you with facility your Dane dead drunk ; 
 he sweats not, to overthrow your Almain ; he gives your 
 Hollander a vomit ere the next pottle can be filled/' 
 
( 40) 
 
 SECTION X, 
 
 OF YOUNG FOOLS WHO MARRY OLD ONES 
 FOR LOVE OF GOLD. 
 
 Non id videndum, conjugum ut bonis bona; 
 At ut ingenium congruat et mores moribus; 
 Probitas, pudorque virgini dos optima est. 
 
 What mighty spell pervades thy breast, 
 Canst thou caress and be caress'd ; 
 
 By one in years grown old ? 
 Canst thou from that pale shrivell'd lip, 
 The nectar strive of love # to sip ; 
 
 And all for baleful gold ? 
 
 * The following lines, so applicable to the point in ques- 
 lion, are here introduced, in order to finish the picture oi 
 the poet. 
 
 Or now behold the man by fortune crossed, 
 His vessel on the sea of misery toss'd; 
 He for a competence will sell his youth, 
 And meanly vow the opposite to truth; 
 Ah, silly fool ! how soon the vision flies^ 
 That lately dazzled thy too eager eye$! 
 4 
 
 
OF FOOLISH MARRIAGES. 41 
 
 Canst thou invigorate that frame,. 
 Gives age's ice youth's ardent flame; 
 
 Can blissful love be sold ? 
 Canst thou before the altar kneel # , 
 And swear to what thou ne'er canst feel, 
 
 The wretched slave of gold. 
 
 Bid waters freeze in summer's glow, 
 
 Bid roses bloom 'mid Alpine snow, 
 
 When northern blasts blow cold ; 
 
 How loathsome the idea — O Heav'n ! to feel 
 The skinny carcase toward your person steal ; 
 Seeking with wanton wish the marriage due, 
 Alas ! how vainly claiming it from you ! 
 From you, incompetent and cold as death, 
 Repulsive, loathing, peevish in a breath ; 
 Cursing internally the marry'd state, 
 Repentant, when repentance comes too late. 
 
 * However we may laugh, on viewing the effusions of the 
 painter, we cannot but inwardly moralize on contemplat- 
 ing that plate in the series of the Rake's progress, which 
 portrays the youthful spendthrift in the act of uniting 
 himself with one old enough to be his grandmother — Let 
 any individual but observe therein the liquorish eye of 
 squinting age, blinking towards the visage of cool and 
 passionless youth, and nothing more need be alleged o» 
 •the subject of improper marriages. 
 
42 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 As friends bid truth and falsehood meet, 
 So shall thy vows enraptur'd greet, 
 Connubial bliss for gold. 
 
 Let sanctioned priest the rites begin, 
 Let parents tolerate the sin, 
 By av'rice thou'rt inroll'd ; 
 Yet ere one month thou'lt curse # thy vow. 
 Thy parents — and too late allow, 
 Thy mis'ry's seal'd by gold. 
 
 * A very melancholy fact is related by a French author, 
 which, although not exactly analogous to the subject of 
 this section, is nevertheless calculated to prove the mi- 
 sery of ill assorted unions. The parents of a very beau- 
 tiful young lady, allured by the fascinations of superior 
 wealth, bestowed the hand of their dejected Mariana on a 
 very rich, but aged advocate; the unfortunate sufferer, 
 who had solely yielded her acquiescence on the score of 
 duty, brooded but for a day on the wretchedness of her 
 situation; for on the morn which succeeded the nuptials, 
 the melancholy bride, breaking an egg, mingled with the 
 same a deadly poison unperceived; when leisurely eat- 
 ing the contents, she exclaimed— "My parents commanded 
 the union, and by my obedience I have given them proofs 
 of my devotion to their will — more they cannot require 
 of me, for in obeying, I die for them !" 
 
of foolish marriages. 43 
 
 l'envoy of the toet, 
 Nature this truth proclaims with clarion tongue, 
 
 Congenial years ne'er feel love's diminution ; 
 But when the gold of age allures the young, 
 
 Such rite becomes a legal prostitution. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
(44 ) 
 
 SECTION XL 
 
 OF VENAL FOOLS. 
 
 Auro pulsa fides, auro venalia jura, 
 Aurum lex sequitur, mox sine lege pudor. 
 
 Some fools, to pile up golden stores, 
 Turn reputation out of doors ; 
 And for dame Fortune, dote upon her 
 So much — as to impound their honour, 
 Selling for wealth what should be giv'n, 
 To pave their pathway straight to heav'n. 
 
 Proud big wigs, our religion's props, 
 Archbishops holy, and bishops : 
 Great statesmen, when they fill high places, 
 Nay princes, and your noble graces, 
 Must, doctors-like, ensure their snacks, 
 And finger # fees behind their backs. 
 
 * The old story of the ins and outs is extremely ap- 
 plicable to the burden of this section : the object of the 
 former being places, places, pensions, pensions; while 
 
OF VENAL FOOLS. 45 
 
 Your upright judges # , office clerks f, 
 Churchwardens f, beadles, all are sharks ; 
 
 the cry of the latter is peculation, and violation of the 
 rights of the subject ; yet let the ins be out and the outs 
 be in, the cry is then equally reversed : for, after all, 
 gold is the primura mobile, in the attainment of which, 
 imposition and the abuse of the liberties of the people is 
 a trifle, unworthy the consideration of any statesman ; 
 with whom, independence is a bugbear, and honour, the 
 scarecrow of fools. 
 
 * Yes ; even the solemn dignitaries of the law are not 
 proof against this golden talisman; for the judge would 
 sit mum chance, nor give animation to his wig, did not 
 the fees of office move the court to hear the complaints 
 of the oppressed. 
 
 f Gentle reader, if it ever has been thy unfortunate 
 lot to be a dangler upon these consequential nuisances, 
 thou must have discovered that they are ten times more 
 insufferable than their superiors : a circumstance which 
 is mortifying in a twofold degree : as they do not only 
 lack the consequence of office, but also the refinements 
 of education, and the suaviter in modo, which arises from 
 an intercourse with polished society. 
 
 t These petty parish kings have a peculiar itch for 
 plunder, which they gratify in the following manner: sup- 
 pose, for instance, that a stonemason be the warden, 
 you will never fail to see a scaffolding around the stee- 
 ple, for then the church needs some essential repairs ; if ic 
 
46 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Your jailors* ; nay, the hangman too 
 Is venal, and must have his due, 
 Since culprits' fee his purse must deck, 
 Ere he'll pull legs to break a neck* 
 
 O ! were there statutes criminal, sir, 
 Against the acts of men venal, sir, 
 With sterling truth my muse might say, 
 With fam'd Mackheath, of witty Gay, 
 " 'Twou'd thin the land such tribes to see, 
 By Jack Ketch strung on Tyburn tree." 
 
 be a plumber who fills the important office, the tiles or slat- 
 ing are deemed improper guardians of the edifice, and 
 lead supplies their place ; and should a carpenter rule 
 the roast, he proves himself a chip of the old block, by 
 the erection of new pews throughout the house of prayer. 
 Thus each obedient to his call, 
 The parish robs — knaves all, knaves all. 
 * Nothing is so essential, on entering a prison, as the 
 garnish of Mackheath: from the jailor to his clerks, 
 from the clerks to the turnkeys, the cry is, Garnish, cap- 
 tain, garnish ! in short, without it misfortune and vir- 
 tuous poverty may perish on the pitiless stones; while 
 swindlers and depredators, who have subjected families 
 to ruin, command respect, and enjoy every luxury. 
 
OF VENAL FOOLS. 47 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Gold, that by any unjust means is urn'd, 
 Although punition's lash the sin escape, 
 
 Is but against its foul possessor turn'd, 
 Debauching honesty in syren's shape. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 48 ) 
 SECTION XIL 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO MASQUERADE AT MIDNIGHT. 
 
 You must forget to be a woman ; change 
 Command into obedience ; fear, and niceness, 
 (The handmaids of all women, or, more truly, 
 Woman its pretty self,) to a waggish courage ; 
 Ready in gibes, quick-answerM, saucy, and 
 As quarrellous as the weazel : nay, you must 
 Forget that rarest treasure of your cheek, 
 Exposing it (but, Oh, the harder heart \ 
 Alack, no remedy) to the greedy touch 
 Of common kissing Titan; and forget 
 Your laboursome and dainty trims, wherein 
 You made great Juno angry. 
 
 Though fool thyself, thou canst not rest con- 
 tent, 
 But, clad in borrowed guise, thou shows't 
 another ; 
 And to thy zany's wit giv'st twofold vent, 
 By aping apes, thyself an apish brother. 
 
OF MASQUERADING FOOLS. 49 
 
 To midnight revel*, clad in tawdry guise, 
 Thy cap and ladle thou art fond of bringing : 
 
 Purblind thyself, thou think'st not other's eyes 
 Thine antics view, as thou thy bells art 
 
 As when the wanton oaf, bereft of sense, 
 And, void of dress, kept shamelessly advanc- 
 ing; 
 
 * There is no amusement in this country which has 
 been productive of such ill effects as masquerades, where 
 all distinction of persons is at an end : and where the 
 coarse ribaldry, not to say obscenity, of the illiterate, the 
 vulgar, and the abandoned, is incessantly heard, calling 
 forth the blush from delicacy and feeling. It is at this scene 
 of disgusting folly, that the insidious seducer has so fre- 
 quently put into practice his infamous purposes against 
 unsuspecting innocence, or destroyed the peace of an af- 
 fectionate husband, by effecting his guilty purposes with 
 the mother of a family; and it is during the riot and con- 
 fusion attendant on this species of amusement, as it is 
 termed, that the fortune hunter has carried off in tri- 
 umph the giddy school girl who little dreamt that her mo-' 
 ney was his sole object; and that she was soon to end 
 the wished-for career of matrimony with a broken 
 heart. In short, masquerades in England are of so des- 
 picable a cast, that no woman who is desirous of being 
 E 
 
50 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Nor thought that others mark'd his impudence. 
 Since 'neath a net the naked fool was dancing. 
 
 Or, as the story goes, yclep'd We Three, 
 
 'Neath brace of loggerheads on sign appear- 
 ing: 
 Thou gaping read'st, then cry'st, " But two I 
 see ;" 
 Thyself the third art — at thyself thus jeering. 
 
 Disdaining rest, soft balm of human life, 
 The jocund morn peeps in upon thy folly ; 
 
 Views thee oppress'd with drunkards' # dreams 
 of strife ; 
 And sees thee rise at eve quite melancholy. 
 
 regarded as modest, should frequent a scene that caa 
 only disgust the eye and offend the ear. 
 
 * Inebriety is not merely observable in the male part 
 of creation, but even females too shamelessly indulge at 
 masquerades in this abominable vice : for the writer has to 
 notice with pain, that instances have frequently occurred 
 within his knowledge of women, who, in that degrading 
 state, have been guilty of the most bestial* conduct ; and 
 has literally observed that two thirds of the females pre- 
 sent, whether pure or impure, have, by their conduct, 
 sufficiently indicated the deranged state of their intcl- 
 
OF MASQUERADING FOOLS* 51 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 If mask'd, thou need'st must be my counsel, 
 hear ; 
 
 Thy brother's antics henceforth leave alone; 
 'Neath Wisdom's Visor hide thine ass's ear ; 
 
 Then cast at other fools the chiding stone. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 lects; and on these accounts it has been very justly re- 
 marked by foreigners, that masquerades in England 
 " Begin stupidly, proceed riotously, and terminate drunk- 
 enly". In France, Italy, &c. this amusement is managed 
 otherwise : no inebriety disgraces either sex ; and in- 
 stead of men placing dependence on dress alone for the 
 support of a character, which is uniformly the case in 
 this country, you never find a foreigner who is not in a 
 great measure calculated to sustain, with wit and hu- 
 mour^ the part wmxh he has undertaken to personate. 
 
 E2 
 
*\Q 
 
 SECTION XIII. 
 
 OF POOLS WHO SEEK FORTUNE AT GAMES 
 OF CHANCE, &C. 
 
 Tantum se fortunas permittunt, etiam ut naturam de- 
 diseant. 
 
 Behold the eager fools at play ; 
 
 Each thinks his fortune to enhance : 
 As if the road that led that way, 
 
 Concentrated in games of chance. 
 
 Now roll the dice : my Lord has won 
 The lands and beeves of poor Sir John, 
 
 My Lord in turn, next night's undone ; 
 His winnings and estate both gevie # . 
 
 * Gambling is one of the most diabolical fascinations 
 that can take possession of the human mind ; and it is on 
 this account that Erasmus, in his Praise of Folly, makes 
 his heroine disclaim all connexion with so destructive 
 a pastime. The gamester has no respect for any of those 
 ties which link the generality of mankind together ; and 
 
 : 
 
OF GAMBLING FOOLS. do 
 
 Eager to gain, the fool sits down ; 
 
 Heedless of caution or advice, 
 He's ruin'd ; not from fortune's frown, 
 
 But black-legs, arm'd with cogged dice *. 
 
 he will as calmly pocket the last guinea of an old friend, 
 as that of the most perfect stranger. An instance of this 
 kind occurred at a subscription house not far from St. 
 James's, where a Right Honourable, after winning the 
 fortune of his friend, literally played for his house and 
 furniture, together with the carriage and horses, then 
 standing at the door ; which fortune also placed in his 
 power, when he very liberally permitted the loser to 
 continue one week in his mansion, and return home from 
 the gambling house in the carriage he had lost ; but, it 
 must be remembered, for the last time. 
 
 * The instability of fortune is not the only circum- 
 stance to be dreaded at the gambling table, where every 
 species of fraud is practised by many of its votaries, 
 whose premeditated dishonesty bids defiance to good for- 
 tune as well as skill. It would however be the height of 
 injustice to accuse only the great as being prone to shake 
 the elbow ; this fascination pervades alike every rank of 
 society ; and even boors at a country wake or fair, must 
 have their E O table, where, instead of thousands, pen- 
 nies are staked and played for with equal avidity ; which 
 brings to recollection the old French proverb : " Le 
 jeu est le fils d'avarice et le pere du desespoir." 
 
54 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or on the turf let jockeys * try, 
 And on the racer's power presume : 
 
 They too are ruind — And for why ? 
 They risk their fortunes with a groom. 
 
 If to the Stock Exchange f you speed, 
 To try with bulis and bears your luck, 
 
 Tis odds, you soon from gold are freed, 
 And waddle forth a limping duck. 
 
 * The turf is, of all species of gambling, that which ca- 
 pacitates its votaries the most to pursue unjustifiable 
 means for the attainment of gold; so many instances of 
 which have been recorded, that it would be needless to 
 descant further upon the topic. I should, however, be 
 guilty of a most flagrant error, were I not to remark that, 
 when a gentleman degrades himself by turning jockey, I 
 conceive that he is of a bastard breed; and in despite of 
 his estate and rank, merely descends to that natural 
 standard, from which a variety of circumstances had 
 raised him, only to render his real insignificance and folly 
 the more eminently conspicuous. 
 
 f These are your city gamesters, who equally have re- 
 course to fraudulent methods in order to amass wealth ; 
 for who but remembers the expedients resorted to dur- 
 ing the last war, when even placards were stuck up at 
 the Mansion House ! so completely was the hook swal- 
 
OF GAMBLING FOOLS. 55 
 
 By av'rice # led, when fortune smiles, 
 And answers all the gambler's ends ; 
 
 He still must own his golden piles 
 Were gain'd by ruin of his friends. 
 
 lowed by the Stock Exchange gudgeons ! In short, gam- 
 bling is at best but an avaricious propensity, A gli 
 avari sempre osce una goccia di sangue avanti che diano 
 im quatrino per amor di Dio; and as it affixes no 
 bounds to its desires, it is equally unrestrained by any 
 principle of honour or of justice : therefore, when a man 
 stakes his wealth, jacta est alea, and he must abide the 
 hazard of the adventurous enterprize, if not seconded 
 by chicane and villany, which is generally resorted to by 
 such as have been subjected to bad luck, and conceive 
 it a just retort for the deprivations thus experienced at 
 the shrine of fortune. 
 
 * Avarice being the incentive to gaming, a gambler 
 necessarily carries with him, not only his own bane but 
 that of others ; for we may say with Juvenal : 
 
 Dives fieri qui vult, 
 
 Et cito vult fieri 
 is never deterred from the gratification of his insatiable 
 pursuit, either by moral or religious obligations ; conse- 
 quently it not only warps the mental, but imperceptibly 
 destroys the animal being ; for he who lives a life of in- 
 cessant anxiety, exists for the purpose alone which ex- 
 cites it, be it good or evil; therefore shun, as one of the 
 most deadly poisons, this improper thirst for riches; 
 
56 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 To value gold, its worth should first be known : 
 'Tis industry gives little, all its zest. 
 
 And he whose labour makes his bread his own, 
 May rank on earth as most supremely blest. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 { Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 and although allured by the good luck of others, always 
 remember that there is a loser as well as a winner, and 
 that the odds are against you : so may you exclaim with 
 Virgil : 
 
 Mene salis placidi vultum, fluctusque quietos 
 Ignorare jubes ? mene huic confidere monst¥o? 
 
( 57 ) 
 
 SECTION XIV. 
 
 OF FOOLISH PRIESTS AND BABBLING PAR- 
 SONS IN THE CHOIR. 
 
 I veri predicatori danno frutti, e non fieri. 
 
 To wear the sable garb of sanctity, 
 And be the slave of mundane vanity % 
 
 * There is no rule without an exception ; an instance 
 of which will be found in the following anecdote, re- 
 dounding highly to the credit of the testator; who thereby 
 evinced a just sentiment of love for decency, and con- 
 tempt for the prevalent follies of the age. 
 
 A worthy clergyman, in Yorkshire, lately deceased, 
 bequeathed in his will a considerable property to his only 
 daughter, on the subsequent conditions : First, That she 
 did not enter into the state of matrimony without the 
 consent of his two executors, or their representatives. 
 Secondly, That she dressed with greater decency than 
 she had hitherto been accustomed to do. The testators 
 words were : 
 
 u But as my daughter Ann hath not attended to 
 
 my admonitions, respecting the filthy and lewd custom of 
 ^dressing with naked elbows, my will is, that in case she 
 
58 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Displeaseth most my thought : 
 Yet fools there are that boast religion's guise, 
 Whose conduct slurs their functions in men's 
 eyes, 
 
 Who think the calling naught*. 
 
 persists in so gross a violation of female decency, the 
 whole of the property devised by me as aforesaid, and 
 intended as a provision for her future life, shall go to the 
 
 eldest son of my sister Caroline and his heirs lawfully 
 
 begotten. To those who may say this restriction is se- 
 vere, I answer, that an indecent display of personal ha- 
 biliments in women, is a certain indication of intellec- 
 tual depravity.'' 
 
 * As a specimen of that indefatigable zeal which should 
 characterize the clerical robe, the following extract from 
 the Harleian MSS. -No. 6824, fol. 190, is offered, by 
 way of lesson, to all idle fools of this class. 
 
 Saturday, June 24, 1724, I was at the funeral of the 
 Rev. Mr. Foard, curate ofMarybone. The Rev. Mr. 
 Thos. Riddle, who was curate of St. Giles in the Fields, 
 and since lecturer, gave the following account, that on 
 one certain Sunday he [Mr. Riddle] performed the fol- 
 lowing duties; 
 
 In the morning, married six couple; then read the whole 
 prayers, and preached ; after that churched six women. 
 
 In the afternoon, read prayers and preached ; chris- 
 tened 32 children ; six at home, the rest at the font; bu- 
 
OF FOOLISH PRIESTS, 59 
 
 In vain these ideot priests this theme pursue, 
 u Do as I say *, but act not as I do " ; 
 
 As if the quirk would tell: 
 
 ried 13 corpses, and read the distinct service over each 
 of them separately, and this done by nine at night. 
 
 It was then mentioned by another clergyman, that he 
 had a paper given him to pray for the accomplishment of 
 & young woman 1 s desires. 
 
 II buon religioso non sa stare ozioso. 
 * This trite adage cannot be better applied than in 
 speaking of the clergy, who at all periods, and in all 
 countries, have proved themselves deficient in establish- 
 ing their precepts by example. From hence has originated 
 all those divisions in religious opinions, which are no 
 where so prevalent as in England, where sectaries may 
 be called the vvhippers-in of faith : nor can we close this 
 note without a quotation from Butler, who, treating on 
 this head, exclaims, 
 
 Where ev'ry village is a see, 
 
 As well as Rome, and must maintain 
 
 A tithe pig metropolitan : 
 
 Where evVy presbyter and deacon 
 
 Commands the keys of cheese and bacon; 
 
 And ev'ry hamlet's governed 
 
 By's holiness, the church's head, 
 
 More haughty and severe in's place 
 
 Than Gregory and Boniface. 
 
60 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 " Why acts thou thus " ? demands the untaught 
 
 hind, 
 " If with thy wisdom thou dost so ; I find 
 f€ 'Twill serve my turn as weH. n 
 
 All eyes, 'tis said, are fix'd on Cato's son. 
 If Cato's son's a fool, 'tis ten to one, 
 
 The multitude reveres : 
 For why ? The fool to his desires # gives scope; 
 Then, if the pastor strays, farewell all hope ; 
 
 His flock the same course steers. 
 
 Show me a drunkard more adept than priest ; 
 Show me a cormorant more staunch at feast ; 
 
 * For a very biting and just satire on every class of 
 ecclesiastical fools connected with the Catholic church, 
 the reader may refer to Erasmus on Folly, who, in the 
 same work ? is not merely free in the delivery of his ster- 
 ling opinions respecting many dogmas of that religion, but 
 even proceeds to such lengths, that, considering the era 
 in which he flourished, it is a little astonishing that the 
 hatred of the clergy, which was of course manifested to- 
 wards him, should not have led them to pursue the most 
 effectual method of silencing so potent an adversary. 
 4 
 
OF FOOLISH PRIESTS. Ol 
 
 With pride to keep the farce on # . 
 Show me hypocrisy that's more demure ; 
 Show me, who can, less feeling to the poor, 
 
 Than's to be found in parson. 
 
 Instead of clemency — he's unforgiving ; 
 Instead of meekness, his pursuit's a living f ; 
 For which through thick and thin : 
 
 * The pride of priestcraft hath ever been proverbial ; 
 in contradiction to that irresistible humility, which cha- 
 racterized the proceedings of the Divine Author of Chris- 
 tianity ; and the Ego et rex meus of Wolsey is applicable 
 to every wearer of little buckles, cannon curls, with the 
 skimming dish hat, and dapper rose, which constitutes its 
 prim ornament. 
 
 t Let but the lawn sleeves appear in vista, and who 
 ever heard a churchman exclaim nolo episcopari ? On the 
 contrary, it is then we view the priest in his real co- 
 lours : no sycophancy is too degrading, no flattery, though 
 at the expense of truth, is too fulsome: but when the 
 object of his ambition is attained, his low-born pride 
 looks with contempt on all, from the pinnacle, to whose 
 summit he hath climbed, and rules with the rod of ty- 
 ranny the miserable dependents on his haughty caprice. 
 A truly noble spirit never plays the tyrant : it is only the 
 hase-born churl, like Thomas a Becket, that would out- 
 
62 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 For quick preferment he will pander prove ; 
 And to ensure his graceless patron's love, 
 Excuse and share his sin. 
 
 i/envoy of the poet. 
 The worthy man may teach religion's laws ; 
 
 His practice # gives his precept tenfold fame. 
 He stands the champion of the sacred cause; 
 
 And by his deeds endears religion's name. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis 
 
 frown the brow of majesty; and towering priests alone 
 aspire to scourge the back of sovereignty. In addition 
 to the arrogance of papal dignity, which formerly com* 
 pelled sovereigns to kiss a dirty old velvet slipper ; and 
 even went so far as to make the backs of emperors mere 
 footstools, in order to help these vicegerents on their 
 palfrey's backs, it should not be forgotten that we are 
 indebted to a monk for the invention of gunpowder; 
 while Galau, bishop of Munster, was the first who found 
 out that destructive engine of war, a bomb. 
 * Buon prelato buon 'esempio. 
 
( 63.) 
 
 SECTION XV. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PRACTISE VILENESS OF 
 MANNERS AT TABLE. 
 
 Noscitur a socio. 
 
 O ! 'woiTd that I, the lance could wield, 
 Of graceful, polish'd Chesterfield # ! 
 
 My muse might then be able 
 To lash the filthy, slothful vice, 
 Of such as are not over nice, 
 
 When seated at the table. 
 
 * It is impossible to pass over this section of the Poet, 
 without expressing a sentiment of commiseration for the 
 feelings of the nobleman above mentioned, when we call 
 to mind the emotion of horror that must have pervaded 
 his breast, on witnessing the conduct of his son at table, 
 who after all the refined instructions which he had re- 
 ceived, was so absolutely destitute of delicacy, as to lick 
 up the juice of a currant tart from his plate, in the pre- 
 sence of his Lordship and a large party; on which occasion, 
 his mortified parent ordered the valet into the chamber, in 
 
64f THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 From neighbour's glass, with reeking lip, 
 His draught of table beer to sip, 
 
 With teeth a huge bone gnawing ; 
 With mouth by gravy quite defac'd, 
 With elbows on the table plac'd, 
 
 Or other's napkin pawing. 
 
 The plate with varyV! meats high pil'd, 
 The frill and neckcloth both defil'd, 
 
 While meat 'twixt teeth fast sticking, 
 Since you the cleanly quill disdain, 
 Forth from its bony prison's ta'en, 
 
 With fork your grinders picking. 
 
 order to shave his son, whose physiognomy looked as if it 
 had been lathered with pink instead of white suds. — Carv- 
 ing with your own knife and fork; helping to sauce with 
 your own spoon, licking your fingers, and expressing by 
 the greedy look of the eyes, the ravenous propensity of 
 the stomach, may be ranked among those actions which 
 disgrace the table, and it has even come within the know- 
 ledge of the writer, to observe a person at his own house 
 lengthen out the grace before meat, in order to fix upon 
 the particular part of the viand most acceptable to his pa- 
 Jate, which he has instantly notified to the company on 
 concluding his benediction in order to prevent any other 
 _person present from bearing off the darling prize. 
 
OF UNMANNERLY FOOLS. 65 
 
 Or when you eat, o'er plate to stoop, 
 And swallow spoon as well as soup, 
 
 Or if on table fish is ; 
 Since you for others scorn to care, 
 Take all the shrimp sauce to your share, 
 
 And after lick the dishes. 
 
 If round the board fair dames you view, 
 On dish of fowls, if there are two, 
 
 Four wings 'inongst eight to deal out, 
 Seize on the finest for your own, 
 And ere you've one half pick'd the bone, 
 
 A second nimbly steal out. 
 
 If civil you woad hand a plate, 
 
 Your elbow thrust 'gainst neighbour's pate^ 
 
 And then, to mend the matter; 
 When turning quick, O ! dire mishap ! 
 O'erset the wine glass ; and in's lap, 
 
 The plate's contents bespatter. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Shun ev'ry act which decency disdains, 
 For he whose object is a polish'd mind, 
 
 F 
 
66 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 If heedless of this caution, ne'er attains, 
 The manners delicate, and soul refin'd. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
(67 ) 
 
 SECTION XVI. 
 
 OF AVARICIOUS FOOLS. 
 
 Tam deest avaro quod habet, quam quod non habet. 
 
 Who is't that hugs his mental bane ? 
 
 'Tis avarice # , believe me ; 
 Whose pleasure is his constant pain, 
 
 Thus may the mind deceive thee. 
 
 * The following lines from Gay's fable of the Miser and 
 Plutus are well calculated to depict the baneful effects of 
 gold. 
 
 Gold banishM honour from the mind, 
 
 And only left the name behind, 
 
 Gold sow'd the world with ev'ry ill; 
 
 Gold taught the murd'rer's sword to kill. 
 
 Thus when the villain crams his chest, 
 
 Gold is the canker of the breast; 
 
 'Tis avarice, insolence and pride, 
 
 And ev'ry shocking vice beside, 
 
 Or we may exclaim with Virgil, 
 
 Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, 
 Auri sacra fames. 
 
 F 3 
 
68 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 With doting eyes he counts his store, 
 
 But ah ! his mind's not cheerful ! 
 Now coveting one hundred more, 
 
 Of theft for ever fearful # . 
 
 What others give, what others spend, 
 
 What others too are hoarding, 
 Alike he covets to his end^ 
 
 No joys his life affording. 
 
 He never feels that heavenly thrill, 
 
 From Charity soft flowing ; 
 To mercy deaf, his selfish will, 
 
 On self alone bestowing. 
 
 * It is the extraordinary feature of avarice, to toil inces- 
 santly for the attainment of that, which, when procured, 
 never affords it the smallest gratification, for we may say 
 with Horace; 
 
 Quaerit et inventis miser abstinet, ac timet uti. 
 and in like manner is avarice incessantly punished for the 
 ills which it inflicts on others, for " In nullum avarus 
 bonus est, in se pessimus." In Dodsley's collection is a 
 beautiful Fable of the Sparrow and the Diamond, well 
 calculated to display the extent of this vice ; and the moral 
 of which is admirably adapted to the subject of the present 
 Section. 
 
OF AVARICIOUS FOOLS. 69 
 
 For gold he lives — for gold he sighs, 
 
 Yet, if disease assail him ; 
 The wretch for want of comfort dies *, 
 
 Fearful his gold should fail him. 
 
 In life no friend, in death no tear, 
 Save that which fiWs from pleasure, 
 
 Is shed upon the miser's bier, 
 By those who share his treasure. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Gold is by Avarice misunderstood, 
 
 In circulation all it's value's found ; 
 When kept 'tis dross, productive of no good, 
 And, for man's peace, far better under ground. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * Abbraccia tal volta la fortuna coloro, che vuol poi 
 affegare. 
 
(70) 
 
 SECTION XVIL 
 
 OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 
 
 Go to the Ant, thou sluggard ; consider her ways and 
 be wise. Solomon. 
 
 I ne'er was loth, 
 
 To lash vile sloth, 
 Of industry the bane # ; 
 
 In filthy pride, 
 
 To dirt ally'd, 
 And all its loathsome train. 
 
 To stew in bed, 
 With matted head, 
 
 * That being who suffers his mind to remain inert, 
 willingly unbars the portal for the admission of every de- 
 grading vice, which imperceptibly usurps emporium over 
 the reason, and thus subjects man to the most degrading 
 state of vassalage : like a lulling opiate it steals over the 
 senses, and while it seems to sooth, carries with it the 
 seeds of destruction. Therefore was it most emphatically 
 said by the satirist : 
 
 Vitanda est improba Syren — Desidia. 
 
OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 71 
 
 Of morning breeze afraid ; 
 
 With linen vile, 
 
 Still more defile, 
 The skin in filth array'd. 
 
 I dare maintain, 
 
 That equal pain, 
 From water such endure ; 
 
 As when disease, 
 
 Canine doth seize, 
 The hound— which knows no cure. 
 
 Each eve Sloth cries, 
 
 Next morn I'll rise, 
 My business to pursue: 
 
 Yet still in sleep, 
 
 The mornings creep, 
 Its business left to do # . 
 
 Such is the fate, 
 Each morn too late, 
 For sloth must still betray ; 
 
 * Lcvati per tempo e vedrai, travaglia et haverai. 
 
m THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And months pass o'er, 
 As months before, 
 Which slid in sloth away # . 
 
 These ills combined, 
 
 Defile the mind. 
 That yields its proud controul ; 
 
 And filthy vice, 
 
 Doth oft entice, 
 To sins that damn the soul. 
 
 * Ross the player, was a striking instance of the power- 
 ful fascinations of sloth ; for although the most flattering 
 offers were made him by different managers, at various 
 periods, he was so far the slave of idleness, as rather to 
 remain in obscurity at some low public house, while a 
 shilling was left, than embrace the proffered good which 
 presented itself; and it is recorded of him, that he would 
 frequently order a chaise in the morning, which he would 
 suffer to remain in expectation of his coming, until the 
 lapse of time made him postpone his departure until after 
 dinner, and so on to tea, then to supper, when the car- 
 riage w r ould be reordered for the ensuing day ; which only 
 proved the rehearsal of the former. Sloth may very 
 justly be termed the enemy of virtue, and the foe to sci- 
 ence, and it is an old saying, that he who does nothing, 
 is most likely hatching mischief; on which account we 
 will conclude with Seneca's words : 
 
 Vitia otii ne^otio discutienda sunt. 
 
 
OF THE VICE OF SLOTH IN FOOLS. 73 
 L'ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 If seeds of sloth in youthful breast e'er lurk, 
 Pluck forth the noxious weed; this adage tell; 
 
 The quick at meat, are ever quick at work, 
 With such thro' life health, ease and riches 
 dwell. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Kara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
(74 ) 
 
 SECTION XVIII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS AND GLOSSERS. 
 
 The lip of truth shall he established for ever, but a 
 lying tongue is but for a moment. Solomon. 
 
 These are the fools # that know not why, 
 
 Yet always must be civil f ; 
 Who spite of common sense, will lie, 
 
 And shame the very devil. 
 
 * Flatterers are the Will oHhe wisps of fools, who mean 
 nothing, yet lead them into the mire ; and so prevalent is 
 now become this bifronted vice, that 
 
 Vitium fuit, nunc mos est, adsentatio. 
 
 f The well known Jemmy B 1, the Biographer of 
 
 the famous Dr. Johnson, who might well be termed his 
 toad eater or flatterer, used to narrate the following 
 anecdote of the Lexicographer. 
 
 Upon the publication of one of the Doctor's literary 
 performances, Jemmy B 1, on the first of the ensu- 
 ing month, repaired, according to custom, to the lodg- 
 ings of his idol with the several Magazines of the day, in 
 order to read the strictures which were given on his per- 
 4 
 
OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS. 75 
 
 You look divinely # , Hal will swear, 
 
 Although to him disgusting ; 
 And Rose loves Ned, beyond compare, 
 
 Though Rose for Will is thirsting. 
 
 formance. After perusing two or three criticisms, which 
 were not of the most civil kind, the petulance of the 
 Doctor got the better of his good sense, and he exclaimed 
 peevishly, — " Enough, enough, sir, now you have taken 
 infinite pains to bring an account of what is thought of 
 me individually ; give me leave to ask what you imagine 
 the world says of you and me conjointly." " Upon my 
 word Dr. I cannot pretend to say," answered Jemmy * 
 " Why then I'll tell you," continued the Dr. " They say 
 that I am a mad dog, sir, and that you are the tin cannis- 
 ter tied to my tail." 
 
 In the publication of the Dr's. Tour to the Hebrides, 
 written by the same gentleman, there is an account of 
 the inhabitants of villages flocking out to see the great li- 
 terary phenomenon, which is alleged as a proof of the ve- 
 neration in which the Dr. was held by all ranks of society. 
 In a copy of that Tour, which once fell into the hands of 
 the annotator, some sarcastic reader had annexed, in the 
 margin, the following couplet, by no means inapplicable 
 to the parties : 
 
 How ev'ry clown must gape and stare, 
 To see a Monkey lead a Bear ! 
 
 * Nothing can possibly be so degrading to the mind of 
 
75 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Than Lady Bab, without a joke, 
 
 None plays whist so correctly ; 
 No matter though she may revoke, 
 
 She finds it out directly # . 
 
 O how enchanting Laura plays, 
 
 How syren like her singing ; 
 Though time and concord dance the hays, 
 
 And squalling discord's ringing. 
 
 feeling, as the incessant duplicity which characterizes 
 the chit-chat of fashionable societies ; for it is not merelj 
 sufficient to know, that the falsehood can be productive 
 of no harm to others, (even should such be the case), for 
 he who does not scruple to debase himself, will not long 
 refrain from injuring others. 
 
 Lasino si conosce dalF orecchie, e il matto dal troppo 
 parlare. 
 
 * It is most provokingly fulsome, to hear women, only 
 because they are such, receive the adulation of a coxcomb, 
 although the conviction of his palpable flattery stares her 
 in the face. But, if the female who tolerates his prattle, 
 were other than his companion in folly, she would be led 
 to resent rather than feel gratified at the falsehood, for 
 Pope has truly said, 
 
 Praise undeserv'd is satire in disguise. 
 
OF FOOLISH FLATTERERS. 77 
 
 A place ? 'tis yours, exclaims Lord D— 
 
 His promise merely rotten ; 
 Command my interest, swears M. P. — - 
 
 Soon said — as soon forgotten # . 
 
 The friend, the foe ; the love, the hate : 
 
 The word of God from sinner, 
 Who loud extols a future state, 
 
 Yet better loves his dinner f. 
 
 * These are the species of deceivers, of whom it may be 
 said with truth, u Pessimum genus inimicorum laudantes ;" 
 for they not only promise without the least intention of 
 performing, but by fallaciously flattering the hopes of the 
 petitioner, make him neglect pursuits which would enable 
 him to live with credit, and not reduce him to the state of 
 a slave and pander, while loss of precious time too fre- 
 quently brings on beggary, and the loathsome confines 
 of a gaol. 
 
 t How often does the sanctified flatterer practise on 
 the minds of bigots, and at the very moment when his pa- 
 negyrics are passed on holy writ, his thoughts are perhaps 
 down in the kitchen, where from the savory effluvia which 
 catches his nose, he learns that a goose will that day be 
 his fare. These are a class of glossers who add profaneness 
 to hypocrisy, using the sacred name of Omnipotence to 
 pamper their appetites and fill their purses. 
 
 Adulandi gens prudentissima laudat, 
 
 Sermonem indocti, faciem deformis amici. 
 
78 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Bifronted fool, if such thy store, 
 
 I grant thee wondrous cunning ; 
 A salve thou hast for ev'ry sore, 
 
 Then stop thy tongue from running. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 As basest coin will frequently deceive, 
 The flatt'rer equally may current pass ; 
 
 For vanity prompts ideots to believe, 
 
 Who fool'd are by their kindred friend, an ass. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 79 ) 
 
 SECTION XIX. 
 
 OF THE VANITY OF FOOLS. 
 
 -It is a tale 
 
 Told by an ideot, full of sound and fury, 
 Signifying nothing. 
 
 That ideot never will his sense regain, 
 Who in the vortex of his course is jolly ; 
 
 And even of his own disgrace is vain, 
 Vaunting aloud preeminence # in folly. 
 
 * Diffidence is the characteristic feature of wisdom, 
 which never conceives that it hath attained to the summit 
 of excellence, while there yet remains any thing to be ac- 
 quired. Whereas, " a little wisdom is a dangerous thing,*' 
 and when possessed by shallow wits, is very frequently 
 conducive to evil effects, involving in its disgrace, all such 
 as placed reliance on its efficacy. Speaking of those self- 
 sufficient fools, we may apply the words of Solomon. 
 
 " There is a generation ; O ! how lofty are their eyes, 
 and their eyelids are lifted up V 9 
 
80 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 In shallow wits, this feature's always found, 
 For vanity's to ideots close ally'd ; 
 
 Truth is rejected for the simple sound, 
 
 And sterling worth for gaudy senseless pride. 
 
 With fools no fault is undeserving praise, 
 Since all their merit but consists in failing ; 
 
 So he doth most his reputation raise, 
 
 Who in opposing sense, is loudest railing. 
 
 Thus when the giddy fool doth most conceive, 
 He struts knight fam'd of Reason's chivalry ; 
 
 Men at his weakness laugh but in their sleeve, 
 Despise the fool and all his vanity *. 
 
 * Poets have everlbeen deemed the slaves of vanity ; 
 nor should \\e omit Musicians and Players, who may well 
 boast in this respect, the palm of folly. Among the lat- 
 ter class, none was perhaps ever more famed, than the 
 great Garrick, who would even debase himself so far as 
 to feel gratified at the panegyrics of his own barber. 
 That poets, however, should have a share of vanity is 
 not so surprising, when we consider that they are never 
 governed by reason, which is the first step towards wis- 
 dom. In fine, we will conclude this head, by stating of at 
 vain man, that 
 
 "He is wiser in his own conceit, than seven men who 
 can render a reason." 
 
OF THE VANITY OF FOOLS. 81 
 L'ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 The wisest of us hath no cause to boast, 
 Conceit with fools alone is deem'd a feast ; 
 
 For in those breasts where reason rules the roast, 
 The most enlighten'd seem to know the least. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 82 ) 
 
 SECTION XX. 
 
 OF USURIOUS FOOLS. 
 
 He that, by usury and unjust gain, increaseth his 
 substance, He shall gather it for him that will pity the 
 poor. Solomon. 
 
 The sordid wretch, on gold intent. 
 Will take, unblushing, cent, per cent. # : 
 Nor heed the anguish those sustain, 
 Who owe their ruin to his gain. 
 
 On lucre gluts the avaricious mind ; 
 
 For which it sells the welfare of mankind. 
 
 * Usury walks ami in arm with avarice ; for, although 
 it does not hoard its pelf from the public, it never dis- 
 penses it but with the certainty of restitution with swing- 
 ing interest; for the cry is, gold begets gold: and, al- 
 though the adage may be verified by all such as have it 
 at command, and will lend it out at usury, they, never- 
 theless, will find in the sequel, that satisfaction doth not 
 attend its increase ; for happiness kicks the beam, leav- 
 ing them the slaves of unceasing anxiety, apprehension, 
 and fear. L'avaro quanto piu ha, tanto piu e bisognoso. 
 
OF USURIOUS FOOLS. 83 
 
 Not more doth screech-owl shock the ear 
 
 Of music, than, if usurers hear 
 
 That legal interest you uphold, 
 
 When talking of the worth of gold. 
 Such is their love of the Peruvian store, 
 That Israel's golden calf they all adore. 
 
 Nay, since that hour, each Jewish elf 
 
 Hath prov'd that he's a calf himself. 
 
 For gold did Judas Christ betray : 
 
 And usury the tribes obey # . 
 'Tis Croesus constitutes their sole delight. 
 No matter so they've gold, how they come by't. 
 
 * Although in this stanza the poet hath, according to 
 custom, levelled his shafts at the descendants of Abra- 
 ham, the Christians are no less reluctant than themselves 
 in amassing gold at any price : and I very much ques- 
 tion, if there are not existing among us many Judas's, 
 who would not scruple at any sacrifice, so that wealth 
 was but the purchase : for as religion, honour, and pro- 
 I bity, have long been discarded by all ranks of society, 
 in order to its attainment, I conceive that there would 
 be no difficulty in bringing Christians to the perpetration 
 of any crime in the service of Croesus. Yet, let such 
 fools remember, 
 
 G 2 
 
84 THE SHIP OF TOOLS. 
 
 Remember well this sterling rule, 
 The spendthrift is not more a fool, 
 Than he, by whose usurious theft, 
 The prodigal's of lands bereft. 
 
 One spends as dross, till bow'd by want's fell 
 rod : 
 
 T'other no duty owns. — Birgold his god. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Temper instruction, so that youth may learn 
 What constitutes of wealth the sterling bliss. 
 
 Teach him, alike the two extremes to spurn : 
 For he who treads the middle path can't miss. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Multa petentibus 
 
 
 Desunt multa. Bene est cui Deus obtulit 
 Parca quod satis est nianu. 
 
( 85 ) 
 
 SECTION XXL 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO SUPERINTEND THE EDU- 
 CATION OF CHILDREN. 
 
 For one man, out of his own skin, 
 To frisk, and whip another's sin : 
 As pedants out of school boys' breeches 
 Do claw and curry their own itches. 
 
 To ye, starch'd dames, whose birchen trade is 
 The art of breaking in young ladies. 
 Of ye, in sooth, I needs must chatter; 
 For ve know nothing: of the matter # . 
 
 * There is scarcely any set of fools that call more 
 loudly for the lash of satire, than these guardians of the 
 rising generation. That schools are of utility, is beyond 
 all doubt : but sorry am I to say, that they are too fre- 
 quently converted into abuses. It hath very frequently 
 come within mine own knowledge, to witness the conduct 
 of boarding-school misses, when they have attained the 
 ages of fourteen and fifteen : at such times I have beheld 
 them enter the presence of the lady governess, hanging 
 
86 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 their heads, as Mrs. Cowley very characteristically ob- 
 serves, like dead partridges. Speak to them in French, 
 and they are sure to reply in English. Request to hear 
 some specimen of their performance on the piano forte, 
 and you may then set it down for granted, that all the 
 powers of affectation will be called forth, in order to 
 plead a silly excuse. Follow them from 'the august pre- 
 sence of madam, to the interior of their own chambers, 
 and there you will find all the little arts of petty intrigue 
 and coquettish blandishments practised. In short, these 
 misses are complete masqueraders, blushing at things 
 they should not comprehend, and facing those faults with 
 the most daring effrontery, which they should feel shame 
 in owning. Such are, however, the effects resulting from 
 the present system of education : whereas we never 
 scarcely see a school-girl enter a room with noble con- 
 fidence, and reply with firm, yet modest diffidence, to a 
 question proposed. Had 1 a daughter, she should not 
 remain at one of these seminaries, after the attainment 
 of her tenth year; for, until that period, the childish 
 imagination wantons with playful frivolity ; it resists the 
 curb of restraint, as far as relates to the operations of the 
 mind, solely engrossed by the trifling gratifications, result- 
 ing from play and baubles. In short, till that period, 
 all is well: nor would it be amiss if our legislature, like 
 that of ancient Athens, was to establish public semi- 
 naries for the youth of both sexes, where every moral 
 and religious duty was nourished and brought to perfec- 
 tion ; and not nipped in the bud by starched, unneces- 
 sary forms. 
 
OF FOOLISH TUTORS. 87 
 
 Instead of mentally advancing, 
 Your miss's first grand object's dancing* ; 
 By which one truth I must reveal is, 
 Empty's the head, as light the heel is f. 
 
 If the mind cannot elicit one way, it certainly will an- 
 other: and thence we find, that among the many, some 
 will propagate bad, and others, good. But instead of 
 watching these several propensities which should con- 
 stitute the leading principle of tutors, they, on the con- 
 trary, attend to superface only; which is a sufficient 
 reason why the propensity to evil so much overbalances 
 the practice of good. 
 
 * To such an extravagant pitch has this accomplish- 
 ment arrived, that, instead of the mere steps which for- 
 merly constituted its excellence, being deemed sufficient 
 for the ball-room, every little miss must now emulate the 
 Opera House ladies, whose manners, a few years since, 
 excited such disgust in the eyes of the lawn sleeved right 
 reverends of the woolpack : and, indeed, we may ex- 
 claim with the Roman, in speaking of the conduct of our 
 misses in this particular : 
 
 Saltabat melius quam necesse est probae* 
 
 f To hear the battle of Prague most unmercifully cru- 
 cified by one of these expert daughters of Euterpe, who 
 is not only devoid of taste but ears, hath frequently been 
 the lot of the writer, whose feelings can only be con- 
 ceived by those that have suffered a similar torture. Such 
 I conceive to be one of the insufferable miseries of hu- 
 man life. 
 
88 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Next, to ensure the brilliant sortie, 
 Miss strikes the grand piano forte ; 
 Knows lessons, airs, duets, in plenty, 
 And plays the octave of Clementi. 
 And, as the body's decoration 
 Employs one half of this great nation. 
 Miss to that science is inducted, 
 And in each petty art instructed. 
 
 The jabb'ring of ill spoken French is 
 The learning of our pretty wenches, 
 With now and then Italian smatter, 
 Ipoco, Signor, and such matter ; 
 And, as from innocence they wander, 
 With brazen mask, hear double entendre. 
 The modest blush must be translated ; 
 And miss's front with brass be plated. 
 
 Wisdom by folly's thus perverted, 
 
 And ev'rv moral controverted : 
 
 The sound, the sense : the heel the head is 
 
 Feather the one ; the other lead is : 
 
 Flightiness, wit : modesty, primness : 
 
 Study romance : and science, dimness ; 
 
 
OF FOOLISH TUTORS. 8fJ 
 
 In fine, my dames^ your sapient * rules are 
 Fitted to prove your pupils fools are f . 
 
 * E da un matto voler insegnare non havendo irapc- 
 rato. 
 
 f This is not to be wondered at, when we consider the 
 contents of the foregoing stanzas of the poet. But in or- 
 der to make the reader better acquainted with causes. 
 it is necessary to observe, that the more masters the pu- 
 pil hath, the more money is derived by the preceptors. 
 As to the idea of genius in tbe scholar, that is never 
 taken into consideration ; and I have literally seen school 
 drawings that would have disgraced an Ouran Outang. 
 And to speak truly of the persons employed to teach at 
 seminaries, they are but the fag end, the tag rag and 
 bobtail of proficients in those very arts they pretend to 
 be so well schooled in ; and I must confess that they very 
 frequently reminded me of the old woman, who took in- 
 finite pains to teach her boy to milk a boar. But to the 
 point : it is truly surprising to see how easily a school 
 bill is whipped up, what with entrances of masters, or 
 rather labourers ; charges for books which were never 
 had ; usage of the globes and piano forte, whose tones 
 might well vie with the clank that resounds from a 
 cracked tin kettle ; and the more genteel sum which is 
 tacked to the account, for miss being a parlour boarder, 
 who is honoured with slip slop tea and a bit of the brown 
 off the meat. These are the wheels within wheels that 
 set so many seminaries in motion. Apropos : I had very 
 nearly forgotten to descant on the topic of whipping, 
 which is generally followed up pretty smartly by old 
 
90 The ship of pools. 
 
 maids, who revenge their own disappointments and ill 
 humours on the breeches of their pupils: and although, 
 in this instance, they adhere to the text of Solomon, who 
 saith, He that spareth his rod hateth his son ; but he that 
 loveth him, chasteneth him betimes ; and Butler also, 
 who, speaking of flogging, says, 
 
 Whipping, that's virtue's governess ; 
 Tutress of arts and sciences: 
 That mends the gross mistakes of nature, 
 And puts new life into dull matter : 
 yet I am rather of opinion with Terence, who thus em- 
 phatically expressp:h himself: 
 
 Pudore et liberalitate liberos 
 
 Retinere, satius esse credo, quam metu. 
 And now, by way of leave-taking, let me use the lines 
 of Butler to these heads of schools : 
 
 Can you, that understand all books, 
 
 By judging only with your looks? 
 
 Unriddle all that mankind knows, 
 
 With solid bending of your brows. 
 
 All arts and sciences advance, 
 
 With screwing of your countenance : 
 
 And, with a penetrating eye, 
 
 Into th ? abstrusest learning pry ; 
 
 And yet have no art, true or false, 
 
 To help your own bad naturals : 
 
 But still the more you strive t'appcar, 
 
 Are found to be the wretcheder. 
 
 For fools are known by looking wise, 
 
 As men find woodcocks by their eyes. 
 
 
OF FOOLISH TUTORS. Q} 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Good sense and reason never yet were found, 
 By teaching youth externally to shine : 
 
 The gem's procured by delving under ground. 
 Be yours the task to make the brain the mine. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Kara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 92 ) 
 
 SECTION XXII. 
 
 OF PRODIGAL FOOLS. 
 
 Zonam perdidit. 
 
 Gold, thou says't, is free to spend. 
 Free to borrow, free to lend, 
 
 And free to fool away *. 
 Thou ne'er heeds't its precious loss ; 
 Gold, to thee, but worthless dross : 
 
 Yet gold makes ideots gay. 
 
 * In all ages hath: this propensity been the character- 
 istic of human nature : for instance, in Egypt the fas- 
 cinating Cleopatra swallowed her pearl; at Rome, gold 
 dust served as powder for the heads of the great, and 
 was scattered for sand upon the spacious arena, to be 
 trampled on by gladiators, or prize fighters, and their 
 kindred friends, bulls and wild beasts; and in our own 
 country a courtezan, Kitty Fisher, to display her con- 
 tempt for money, and turn the fool into ridicule who 
 thought her favours were to be so cheaply purchased, 
 swallowed, between two slices of bread and butter, the 
 donation of a fifty pounds bank bill, which had been s* 
 4 
 
OF PRODIGAL FOOLS. 93 
 
 Gold procures rich viands, drink : 
 If 'twould make the fool but think, 
 
 And learn him all its worth : 
 Then would gold most precious be, 
 Teaching spendthrift fools like thee, 
 
 That want exists on earth. 
 
 Wines, and meats, and gay attire ; 
 Wanton fair ones ; fierce desire ; 
 
 Gold may compass with a youth. 
 Gone thine ore ; then viands, dress, 
 Women — nay, desire grows less : 
 
 For fools then learn this truth. 
 
 Having all their substance spent, 
 Strove to borrow where they've lent, 
 And freely giv'n away : 
 
 presented to her: nay, all ranks have their ideas on this 
 head; and sailors, when returned from a prosperous 
 cruize, having exhausted every natural art that could be 
 pursued to gratify their doxies, have even been known 
 to fry twenty watches in a pan, that they might place an 
 extravagant dish upon the table. But this tallies with the 
 old saying, 
 
 " Gotten like horses, and spent like asses." 
 
94 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Viands, drink, and wantons fly: 
 Then they learn fell poverty 
 
 Attends their locks when grey *. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Why will the fool all common sense disdain, 
 And in his breast want's barbed arrow plant? 
 
 Why hug false joys, forerunners of his bane, 
 When he may reap instruction from the ant ? 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man mv Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * Who can possibly contemplate the life of the great 
 and philosophical Lord Bacon, and not feel enhorrored 
 at this most pernicious folly, which not only contaminates 
 the base and illiterate mind, but when indulged in, as in 
 the instance of this enlightened character, is capable of 
 subverting every noble effusion, and trampling under 
 foot the combined attributes of reason, study, and the 
 most consummate science. 
 
 L'argento arde le genti. 
 
( 95 ) 
 
 SECTION XXI1L 
 
 OF CURIOUS AND PRYING FOOLS. 
 
 Tractant fabrilia fabri. 
 
 O say, thou silly, curious elf, 
 Hast thou nought else to do thyself, 
 Than be the meddling dolt, and try 
 In other men's concerns to pry ? 
 Is there, in thee, no cause for blame, 
 When thou woulds't publish others' shame? 
 Say, when thou pick'st the hole in other's coat, 
 Art sure thou row'st not in the self same boat*? 
 
 * This itch for discovering the faults of others, and 
 acting the part -of censor with respect to those very vices 
 we are ourselves addicted to, is, by no means, confined 
 to any particular class of society, nor to either sex ; as 
 men and women are equally subject to the contagion : of 
 whom we may say with Cicero, 
 
 Est proprium stultitice aliorum cernere vitia : oblivisci 
 suorum. 
 
96 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Thou, cunning, finds't out John to be 
 Contented cuckold # , just like thee. 
 
 Curiosity does not only brand its votary with the stig- 
 ma of meanness ; but is very frequently productive of 
 more dangerous consequences. In sacred writ, even 
 the command of Heaven was not sufficient to allay this 
 desire : as the wife of Lot, for her folly and punishment, 
 testifies. And, according to the fable of the ancients, 
 Orpheus, the renowned son of Apollo and Calliope, for 
 disobedience to the ordinance of Pluto, lost his beloved 
 wife Eurydice. 
 
 * The poet, certainly, could not have hit upon a dis- 
 covery more easily to be made, at the present period ; 
 and the disgrace of which is more likely to be attachable 
 to the discoverer ; for the wives of this age afford an am- 
 ple field for the scrutiny of prying fools ; of whom it may 
 be said with justice, that "Listeners hear no good of 
 themselves;" as it is ten to one but the story applies to 
 them, equally with the person of whom it is related. 
 Thus every man hides his own antlers under the hood of 
 his neighbour. 
 
 In the fairy tales of the Countess d'Aulnoi, is an ex- 
 cellent story, well calculated as a lesson on this head, 
 which runs as follows : 
 
 " Fouribon, (the hump-backed prince) followed the 
 queen, without saying a word : but stopped at the door, 
 and laid his ear to the key-hole, putting his hair aside, 
 that he might the better hear what was said. At the 
 
OF CURIOUS, PRYING FOOLS. 97 
 
 And, while thou'rt scoffing, pr'ythee, mark, 
 At thee thy dame jeers with her spark : 
 Or, with a wench, if wedded, Will 
 His carnal purpose should fulfil : 
 
 Think not, when thou enact'st the same fond 
 game, 
 
 But others know, and all thy sin proclaim. 
 
 Hast thou thy course so even run, 
 That thou need'st know thy neighbour's dun ? 
 With thee so jocund passeth time, 
 That folly's peal doth never chime ; 
 That thou, in conscious purity 
 Unblushing, others' faults may'st see ? 
 Away, conceited fool ; some plan devise, 
 To hoodwink men ; for they, like thee, have 
 eyes. 
 
 same time Leander entered the court-hall of the palace, 
 with his red cap upon his head, so that he was not to be 
 seen; and perceiving Fouribon listening at the door of the 
 king's chamber, he took a nail and an hammer, and 
 nailed his ear to the door." The tale then proceeds to 
 relate, that the cries of Fouribon reaching his mother, 
 she flew to the portal ; when, in the hurry of opening it, 
 to learn the cause of his distress, she adds to his first 
 punishment, by tearing off the ear which had been so 
 nailed to the door. 
 
 H 
 
98 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 The curious fool, who others' acts must know, 
 Finds out the semblance of his own disgrace ; 
 
 And, while he ridicules their faults, doth show 
 His own reflected, as on mirror's face, 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 99 ) 
 
 SECTION XXIV. 
 
 OF THE FOOL THAT IS JEALOUS OF HIS 
 WIFE WITHOUT A CAUSE. 
 
 For jealousy is the rage of a man: therefore he wilt 
 not spare in the day of vengeance. 
 
 The jealous fool, though bless'd with prudent 
 wife, 
 
 Knows not the value of the gem he wears ; 
 Corrosive poison gangrenes all his life, 
 
 And each connubial joy is strew'd with cares. 
 
 The purest mirth to him seems vicious joy, 
 The silent sadness speaks unlicens'd love ; 
 
 Fancies — his wife's calm pleasures thus destroy, 
 Though chaste as snow, and gentle as the 
 dove* . 
 
 * The dire effects of this dreadful passion are most ini- 
 mitably displayed in the well known Tragedy of Othello, 
 where a noble unsuspecting nature is wrought upon by 
 the base arts of an insidious villain, and truly indeed 
 may I ago exclaim : 
 I H 2 
 
100 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 The kind attention to politeness due, 
 
 Though offer'd by the dearest of his friends, 
 
 Will rouse the demon till revenge pursue ; 
 Thus love in jealousy's fell hatred ends. 
 
 " My medicine works! Thus credulous fools are 
 caught; and many worthy and chaste dames, even thus 
 (all guiltless) meet reproach." 
 
 In vain may beauty and the voice of innocence cry out; 
 jealousy hath no ears but for revenge, no satisfaction but 
 in blood ; it is a monster that gluts upon its proper bane, 
 feeding with fancies, the corrosive poison that destroys 
 all peace. For though it dreads the truth it seeks to as- 
 certain, yet will it not give credence to the fact that 
 would afford it consolation: 'tis thus with Othello, speak- 
 ing to his wife before the murder : 
 
 Therefore confess thee freely of thy sin, 
 
 For to deny each article with o?th 
 
 Cannot remove, nor choke the strong conception 
 
 That I do groan withal : thou art to die. 
 In the Tragedy of The Revenge, is also depictured the 
 dire effects of this raging passion, which, like a whirlwind, 
 sweeps every thing away in its destructive course, or as I / 
 the resistless torrent, that, dashing from some maddening 
 height, bears away in its vortex every thing that would 
 oppose its fury; even so doth vengeful jealousy carry with 
 it universal destruction. 
 
 
OF THE JEALOUS FOOL. 101 
 
 Absent new fears assail, then home like thief, 
 He sneaks to verify the fancy'd ill ; 
 
 And though all's well, but short-liv'd the relief, 
 A word or look new jealous thoughts instil. 
 
 Thus always tortur'd, always fill'd with fear, 
 Nor time, nor long conviction cures thy pain ; 
 
 And though thou hat'st the object once most 
 dear, 
 Fell jealousy inhabits still thy brain. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 With care select from womankind a wife, 
 For many are the blanks in wedlock's wheel ; 
 
 Who does not, plants at home eternal strife, 
 Since death alone his jealous pangs can heal. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 i Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis,, 
 * Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( J0£ ) 
 
 SECTION XXV. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT KNOW AND ARE INSTRU- 
 MENTAL TO THEIR WIVES' INCONSTANCY. 
 
 -Maritus 
 
 Nauseat atque oculis vilem substringit opertis. 
 
 What madman is't ; what kind of fool, 
 That thus defies each decent rule, 
 
 And makes himself a handle ? 
 Who backs his wife's foul impudence, 
 And proves to her incontinence, 
 
 A wretch to hold the candle # ? 
 
 * Theophilus Cibber affords a striking instance of hu>- 
 <man depravity of this species ; who purposely connived 
 at the incontinence of his wife with Mr. Sloper, that he 
 might receive his money, and also extort from him heavy 
 damages, by an action of Crim. con. which was instituted, 
 but to little effect, for, on hearing the evidence, the in- 
 famy of the Plaintiff was so conspicuous, that the Jury 
 awarded him Ten Pounds damages, and, to increase his 
 punishment, the public were so exasperated at his con- 
 duct, that Cibber found it impossible to appear on the 
 
OF CONNIVING, FOOLISH CUCKOLDS. 103 
 
 Can such be man, whose soul divine, 
 Should ev'ry godlike act combine, 
 
 That honours virtue's name ? 
 Can human nature thus efface, 
 Each trait of purity and grace, 
 
 And wear the badge of shame. 
 
 The beasts of field, the birds of air, 
 Will guard their mates with jealous care, 
 
 Nor own such vice disgusting ; 
 They boast an instinct more refin'd, 
 Than such foul fools, though blest with mind, 
 
 For shame impure thus lusting. 
 
 Is gold possess'd of charm so rare, 
 To make a man thus yield his fair, 
 
 stage in this country afterwards, in consequence of which 
 he embarked for Ireland, when the vessel was lost, and 
 Cibber drowned ; but, that we may not confine ourselves 
 to fools of so late a period, we need only refer to the 
 history of Pasiphtz, queen of Crete, who had a son and 
 heir by her gallant lover, a Bull, which was most conde- 
 scendingly fathered by her cornuted lord. 
 
104 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 To be by lust polluted * ? 
 Then other fools their course may run, 
 For 'mongst the throng, so vile, there's none, 
 
 As he who's self cornuted. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Fly from foul infamy, nor thus entice, 
 
 Thy weaker half to play the wanton's part ; 
 
 Murder not others with the damning vice, 
 That stabs thy reputation to the heart. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stuitifera Navis. 
 
 *The Curious Impertinent affords an instance of a dif- 
 ferent nature, respecting fools of this species, where the 
 hero of the tale, anxious to prove the fidelity of his wife, 
 requests his bosom friend to make love to her, in order to 
 make trial of her constancy; which is accordingly done, 
 and with such success, that the husband has to thank 
 himself for the horns he wears. This is not, however, 
 the worst species of folly, for, however the reader may dis- 
 pute the veracity of the ensuing statement, it is never- 
 theless grounded in truth. An individual, who shall be 
 nameless, was in the habit of taking his wife every even- 
 ing to the piazzas of Co vent Garden, where he left her, 
 
OF CONNIVING, FOOLISH CUCKOLDS, 105 
 
 in order to procure money, the wages of her own prosti- 
 tution, and, if it so happened that she returned without 
 such ill acquired gain, he was in the habit of chastising 
 her severely; but with respect to the gratification of 
 venality; through the medium of this degrading vice; 
 how many husbands are there not, who wilfully put their 
 wives in the way of great men, in order that they may 
 gain their ends, heedless of the cries of conscience, and 
 the goading sting of shame. Chi suoi vizii non doma, 
 nelle sue mani la sua vergogna porta. 
 
( 106 ) 
 
 SECTION XXVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT ARE PASSIONATE AT TBOLES. 
 
 Si vis incolumem, si vis te reddere sartum, 
 Curas tolle graves, irasci crede profanum. 
 
 A stone is heavy, and the sand weighty ; but a fooFs 
 wrath is heavier than them both. 
 
 Hark, how the boist'rous fool will dash on, 
 And prove the slave to's idle passion # ; 
 
 * Sir John Perrot, the natural son of King Henry VIII. 
 was very much addicted to passion, and was the first 
 person who swore by God's wounds, now vulgarly termed 
 sounds. In one of these fits of rage, he so far incensed 
 Queen Elizabeth, that she ordered him into confinement 
 in the Tower, where he continued for some time, until 
 the queen, on account of their consanguinity, determined 
 on giving him his liberty, and in consequence sent a mes- 
 sage to indicate her pleasure, which happened to be at 
 the momentous period of the threatened Invasion of Eng- 
 land by the Spaniards; upon which Sir John having re- 
 course to his accustomed oath, vowed that she only ac- 
 corded this grace in order to command his services, for 
 that he well knew, she would p — s herself through feaF; 
 4 
 
OF PASSIONATE FOOLS. 107 
 
 Now execrate, like madman raving, 
 And stamp as hard as paviers paving ; 
 And all for what ? 
 Why, Nan, his daughter, 
 
 Hath brought in pot 
 Some luke-warm water ; 
 Whereas papa, though long at bristles toiling, 
 Can never shave them clean, unless 'tis boiling. 
 
 which insolent reply being delivered to Elizabeth, so in- 
 censed her, that she changed her resolution, and in con- 
 sequence, Sir John Perrot died in the Tower, a prisoner. 
 Various fools have various ways of indulging this perni- 
 cious propensity, 
 
 Unus utrique error, 
 
 Sed variis illudit partibus ; 
 of whom it may truly be said, according to the opinion of 
 Butler, 
 
 The difference was so small, his brain 
 Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain ; 
 Which made some take him for a tool 
 That knaves do work with, call'd a Fool, 
 The splenetic Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, should not be 
 omitted, whose occult science was vested in his toe ; of 
 whom Pliny saith, Pollicis in dextro pede tactu lienosis 
 aaedebatur. 
 
108 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Mark how his face, with ire first reddens, 
 To ashy pale his cheek then deadens ; 
 His inoffensive locks now tearing, 
 And knuckles too his passion sharing, 
 Whilst he, with look 
 Of harden'd sinner, 
 
 Blasphemes his cook, 
 Too late with dinner: 
 Or, d — n's the stew, 'fore which the maid's been 
 
 toiling, 
 Then raves and swears at rump-steak, scorch'd 
 while broiling. 
 
 Now hark the bell's loud peal's resounding, 
 Dire knell ! the servants' minds astounding ; 
 Each runs, appall'd, to hear the volley, 
 Of dread abuse from passion's folly, 
 And all for what ? 
 
 Oh mischief subtle, 
 John hath forgot, 
 
 Coals in the scuttle ; 
 Though at that instant might the grate have 
 
 boasted, 
 A fire 'fore which an ox mighthave been roasted. 
 
OF PASSIONATE FOOLS. 109 
 
 Sometimes forgetful in his hurry, 
 He puts his wife in dreadful flurry ; 
 Storms like the roar of ocean's billow, 
 For why ? no night-cap's on his pillow ; 
 While, smiling, this 
 Her quick response is, 
 " You judge amiss, 
 For on your sconce 'tis :" 
 E'en so for's pen he'll quarrel oft be picking, 
 While from his ear, the goose's quill's forth 
 sticking, 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Passion to madness is so near ally'd, 
 
 Thou may'st without it give the wise offence; 
 
 From whence this sterling truth can't be deny'd, 
 Such fools commitfelo de se on sense. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis, 
 
( no ) 
 
 SECTION XXVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO RELY ON THE STABILITY 
 OF FORTUNE. 
 
 Fortuna vitrea est, turn cam splendet frangitur : 
 
 Fortuna, nimium quern fovet, stultum facit. 
 
 O listen, fool, and if there's yet one grain, 
 Of common sense in thy too senseless brain ; 
 As well may'st thou rely on Fortune's # smile, 
 As strive these contraries to reconcile, 
 
 * It is certainly a fact, that fools are the favoured of 
 Fortune, but not that race which studies to court her ; for 
 the caprice of the lady is so notorious, that she will 
 only force herself upon those who either treat her with 
 contempt, or never think about her. 
 
 For though dame Fortune seem to smile, 
 
 And leer upon thee for a while ; 
 
 She'll after show thee in the nick, 
 
 Of all thy glories, a dog trick. 
 The haughty and vainglorious Bajazet was the occu- 
 pant of the very iron cage which he had caused to be 
 
OF FOOLISH DEPENDENTS ON FORTUNE. HI 
 
 When Bond street milliner shall live correct, 
 And harlots walk in Quaker robes bedeckt ; 
 When doctors disregard their wonted fees, 
 And great Napoleon's navy rules the seas ; 
 When Pall Mall loungers study common sense, 
 And high bred ladies sport no impudence ; 
 When lords give satisfaction to their duns, 
 And veteran soldiers shoot not with long guns. 
 When orators no sep'rate parties join, 
 And citizens disdain the plump sirloin ; 
 
 constructed for the prison of his enemy, and after all his 
 grandeur, it has been said that he became his own execu- 
 tioner, by beating his brains out against the bars of that 
 very engine which denoted his degradation, and displayed 
 his downfal to the eyes of every gaping fool. 
 
 The renowned Koull Khan, whose conquering arms 
 subdued the vast empire of Mogul, was stopped in his 
 career by the hand of one of his own officers, who mur- 
 dered him in his tent: but, were we to expatiate on this 
 topic, and adduce every circumstance of a similar nature, 
 in order to prove the instability of Fortune, no folio vo- 
 lume would be sufficient to comprize the catalogue; 
 therefore, to fools of this cast, we will conclude with aa 
 excellent line of Sallust. 
 
 Divitiarum et formse gloria fluxa atque fragilis* 
 
112 THE SHIP CF FOOLS. 
 
 When members of Saint Stephen's gain their 
 
 seats, 
 By independence, void of lies and treats; 
 
 When Bank directors note fam'd Newland's 
 
 bills, 
 
 And Taylor swallows down his own fam'd pills ; 
 
 When angry Boreas vies with Braham's strain^ 
 
 And Caesar fights his battles o'er again ; 
 
 When halt and blind shall the fandango dance, 
 
 And Garrat's mayor usurp the throne of France ; 
 
 When parson shall forget his wonted text, 
 
 And debtor sleep without a mind perplex'd ; 
 
 When poet shall be dumb, musician meek, 
 
 An actor sober, and a curate sleek : 
 
 When rich exchange their state with wretched 
 poor, 
 
 And Hampshire swine dance minuet At la 
 
 cour ; 
 
 Then Fortune's favours thou wilt justly see, 
 
 Dispens'd on merit : — Not on fools like thee. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Fortune the ancients justly pictur'd blind, 
 And so is he that on her gifts relies; 
 
 But when cool reason's dictates sway the mind, 
 On self will it depend, and thus be wise. 
 
mF FOOLISH DEPENDENTS ON FORTUNE. 113 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
(114) 
 
 SECTION XXVIII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH SCOFFERS AND iBAGKBITERS. 
 
 Si nous n'avions point de defauts, nous ne prendriorrs 
 pas tant de plaisir a en remarquer dans les autres. 
 
 Some fools I've heard ^ whose wicked* wit, 
 
 Hath levelFd been 'gainst virtue's fame ; 
 
 But when they thought the goal to hit, 
 
 The shaft rebounded to their shame. 
 
 For oft derision's laugh hath yielded place, 
 
 To silly shame, so fitting folly's face. 
 
 
 * There is no vice more prevalent than the above,, 
 which, not content with slandering, where perhaps the 
 lash is in some degree merited, will equally attack those 
 whose lives are the most irreproachable ; for, according to 
 the French proverb, La moitie du monde prend plaisir a 
 medire, & lautre motie a croire les medisances ; which 
 acts as a sufficient incentive to the garrulity of this class 
 of fools. Yet howsoever the slanderer may conceive 
 himself secure, danger will frequently attend this ca- 
 coethes loquendi, for none are more tenacious than those 
 who feel convinced of their own integrity; and it should 
 
OF FOOLISH SCOFFERS. US 
 
 Show me the man, who feels endu'd, 
 With mind so matchless as to say ; 
 u I may insult with laughter rude ; 
 All others' faults, none dares say nay," 
 Till such an one shall bless the human race, 
 The scoffer shall but seal his own disgrace. 
 
 Others there are so prone to spite, 
 
 That, if they cannot faults descry, 
 They still must churlish strive to bite, 
 And wound by telling some mean lie, 
 Which when discover'd, truth resumes her place. 
 And triumph's banish'd from the liar's face, 
 
 be remembered, that, " Fame damna majora, quam quae 
 estimari possuit ;" let the fool therefore be prepared for 
 the worst, whose pleasure consists in defamation. I had 
 nearly forgotten to instance one set of men, who, although 
 they pride themselves on their abilities, are notwithstand- 
 ing the most determined advocates for this species of 
 folly, by which I allude to the occupants of the opposition 
 Bench in the House of Commons ; who, while out of place, 
 brand with every opprobrious epithet the very men and 
 measures which they will the next day extol to the very 
 skies, if taken into ministerial favour. 
 
11(5 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Full oft we find such vile deceit, 
 
 Upon itself a curse bestow ; 
 For when expected least 'twill meet, 
 In him bely'd a deadly foe. 
 In vain repentance comes ; how changed his 
 
 case, 
 He laughs—- but on the wrong side of his face ! 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If you your scoffing and your wit must deal, 
 And backbite, to ensure the praise of fools ; 
 
 Take special care, for ten to one you'll feel, 
 How dang'rous 'tis to battle with edge tools* 
 
 THE POET*S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 117 ) 
 
 SECTION XXIX. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT DO OTHER MEN'S BUSINESS, 
 AND NEGLECT THEIR OWN, 
 
 Aliena negotia euro, excussus propriis* 
 
 Some oafs there are so condescending, 
 
 So vastly fond of men's commending, 
 
 So prone at all times to be civil, 
 
 As to enact the thing that's evil. 
 
 Yet, when they thus the point attain, 
 And by their loss cause others' gain, 
 The world at large pursues one rule, 
 Forgets the favour and the fool # . 
 
 * These are a silly tribe of ideots, who find their own 
 concerns in life so vastly smooth, that they must needs 
 meddle in the puddle of other men's disquietudes and 
 follies, which are thereby very frequently transferred from 
 the back of the sufferer to that of the fool who would be 
 
 | meddling; but that the reader may not say that I adduce 
 facts without a proof, let me only ask him if he ever af- 
 
 | fixed his name to a promissory note for a distressed friend, 
 without having himself to honour it, and on his reply will I 
 
118 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 A thousand proofs might be related, 
 Of time thus idly dissipated ; 
 Yet none so well suits my reflection, 
 As busy fools at an Election *: 
 
 Who think themselves the bless'd of fate. 
 
 In dining with the candidate ; 
 
 Who, when returned, pursues one rule, 
 
 For place discarding rights zndfooL 
 
 Yet such is not the sole punition; 
 Of ills oft rise a coalition ; 
 
 ground my position. Let it not, however, be understood, 
 that I mean to render every man selfish, and a niggard of 
 his kindness, for such is by no means my intention ; on 
 the contrary, no man should withhold from extending his 
 hand to support the falling, so long as he can conscienti- 
 ously say, he neither injures himself or those connected 
 with him: but it is to the stupid fool I would speak, who, 
 discarding every rational caution, will, in despite of rea- 
 son, clap his neck into the halter. 
 
 * The folly of electioneering fools is, perhaps, of all 
 others, the most conspicuous, for not only time is lost, 
 to the prejudice of the man's family who embarks in this 
 species of servitude, but he generally bestows his labour 
 on one, whose first step will be to barter the liberty of his 
 constituents for a place or a pension. 
 
OF OFFICIOUS FOOLS. 119 
 
 Which proves the stupid dolt's undoing, 
 Who would be others' work pursuing, 
 'Tis then his quondam friends turn tail, 
 And he who serv'd 'em rots in gaol ; 
 Where, though too late, he learns this rule, 
 Who serves all but himself s — a fool. 
 
 i/envoy of the foet. 
 
 None is so able favours to bestow, 
 
 As he whose labour gains the promis'd end ; 
 By industry thus teaching men to know, 
 
 Who serves himself, can others' wants befriend. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 120 ) 
 
 SECTION XXX, 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO COLLECT OLD BOOKS AND 
 PRINTS. 
 
 Picciola cosada lontano portata e da tuttimolto bramata. 
 
 Is it to read this dolt doth buy, 
 Of books so large a quantity, 
 
 Which he can't comprehend : 
 Of classics prime editions rare, 
 No stain, no worm hole — title fair, 
 
 And margin without end # ? 
 
 What mean those piles of musty store, 
 These tiers of old black letter lore, 
 
 * This rage, which we will denominate Cacoethes Car- 
 pendi, has been carried by a set of asses to the most ridi- 
 culous pitch ; as an extra inch of margin to a book has 
 commanded ten times the price of an equally fine copy 
 of the work without it; as if the sublimity of Homer, or 
 the wit of Horace was heightened by this additional 
 width of the blank paper that skirts the text of the author. 
 
 . 
 
OF FOOLISH COLLECTORS OF BOOKS. 121 
 
 With wood-cuts so terrific ? 
 Of Caxton fam'd — Wynktn de Worde, 
 Of Pi/mon's, Copland's, all the herd, 
 
 Whose types are hieroglyphic *• 
 
 Say is't for study you ne'er fail, 
 For quarto play -f or tract at sale, 
 
 To bid as if quite crazy ? 
 No, by the bindings, sense must laugh, 
 Fine gilt morocco, russia calf, 
 
 Proclaim the muse is lazy. 
 
 * Most of the works that issued from the presses of the 
 above early printers, are illustrated with cuts so rudely 
 executed, as frequently to appear like any thing but 
 what they are really intended to represent ; yet in the 
 eyes of black-letter collectors, these deformities possess 
 the most invincible charm ; for as to the matter of the 
 work, that never constitutes any part of the pleasure of 
 these gentlemen; let the book be but perfect, and in good 
 condition, and no more is required. 
 
 t Interludes, Quarto plays and Tracts, have produced 
 prices that may well brand their purchasers with the 
 name of fools. What man of understanding would believe 
 that the first edition of a play would produce ^'.80, while 
 the same drama, printed at a later period, may be pro- 
 cured for sixpence? Or who would credit, that an interlude 
 
122 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 *Tis all for silly pride and show, 
 
 That book worms like thyself may know, 
 
 And envy thee the bliss; 
 Which must arise with men so sage, 
 Who only read the title page, 
 
 Of such old works rariss : 
 
 Or what surprise would seize a stranger, 
 To view an illustrated Granger *, 
 
 With Faithornes, Passes, Hollars ; 
 Where he might be indulg'd with peep 
 At MulVd Sake *, famous chimney sweep, 
 
 Which cost three hundred dollars. 
 
 or tract, possessing neither rhyme nor reason, nor even aa 
 incident to afford instruction of any kind,will be knocked 
 down by Messrs. Leigh and Sotheby, &c. &c. for five, ten, 
 or fifteen guineas; yet these are facts that will stand the 
 test of inquiry, and stamp their possessors well worthy 
 the title which the poet has bestowed upon them. 
 
 * The work above alluded to, gives an account of the 
 several engravings of Englishmen that are extant, as well 
 as Foreigners who have visited this country, to the pe- 
 riod of the Revolution, among which are many pare prints- 
 mentioned, from the gravers of the artists here adverted 
 to, and among the rest is an engraving of an infamous 
 character, called MulVd Sake, who not only followed the 
 
©F FOOLISH COLLECTORS OF BOOKS. 1£S 
 
 Or else behold in wooden cut, 
 NellRummin * filthy sottish slut, 
 
 Or Hopkins, foe to witches : 
 Or Skelton poet, all as like 
 To human faces as a pike, 
 
 To postboy's leather breeches. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 The senseless dolt, who buys rare works for show , 
 Is but the baby-man with gilded toy ; 
 
 Content his eyes, nor more he seeks to know, 
 In saperface concentrates all his joy. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 employ of a chimney sweeper, but was also a most noto- 
 rious cheat and thief. This fellow, who had nothing but 
 his infamy to recommend him, is, however, rendered of 
 infinite consequence to the collectors of Granger por- 
 traits ; for this simple reason, that the print alluded to is 
 supposed to be unique, and on that account alone, the 
 writer very much questions whether if a second impression 
 of the portraiture of this most celebrated character was 
 exposed to public auction, it would not be knocked down 
 for £.bQ to some fool of a Collector. 
 
 * Eleanor Rumrain, the keeper of a filthy alehouse in 
 
124 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 the reign of Henry VIII. has been handed down to the no- 
 tice of posterity by some wretched, disgusting lines of 
 Skelton, the Poet Laureate of that day, who is another 
 person mentioned above; while Matthew Hopkins, a noto- 
 rious impostor in the reign of James I. practising on the 
 credulity of that period, pretended to discover witches, 
 by which he made considerable profit, though at the ex- 
 pense of nearly one hundred lives, which were sacrificed 
 to his abominable practices, until he himself being ac- 
 cused of witchcraft, fell at last a victim to the very me- 
 thods pursued by himself for the discovery of the black 
 art in others. Of these three individuals, wood-cuts are 
 extant, which are mentioned by Granger, as likenesses, 
 though scarcely resembling human countenances, not- 
 withstanding which, from their rarity, they are not only 
 sought after with avidity, but, if offered to sale, would be 
 purchased at the most extravagant price. 
 
( 125 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXI. 
 
 OF FOOLISH ANTIQUARIES. 
 
 Vetera extoilimus, recentium incuriosi. 
 
 Lo ! here's indeed, a rare collection 
 Of fools, well form'd to cause reflection : 
 Of dolts, by whom a trifle's cherish'd, 
 Which, 'neath time's with'ring hand hath 
 perish'd. 
 Whose sapient brain, from modern works, no 
 
 pleasure knows : 
 Dotes on crack'd urn Etruscan — bust without a 
 nose. 
 
 Or now, behold, quite black and crummy, 
 Some perfect truss'd Egyptian mummy ; 
 Or else, perhaps, to crown his bliss, sir, 
 A toe of queen Semiramis, sir ; 
 
148 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or valiant Hector's tooth, beyond denial; 
 Or tear* of Dido, safe preserv'd in phial. 
 
 Or, if with old late times comparing, 
 See Egbert's tunic + worse for wearing ; 
 Or else of Ethelbert the boot, sir, 
 Or famous cup £ of Hardi Knute, sir ; 
 
 * The poet, in this line, has had an eye to the ex- 
 cellent after-piece of Modern Antiques, which cannot be 
 too frequently performed, to expose the false taste of 
 these votaries of folly, of whom we may well say, 
 Tutte le pietre non sono gemino. 
 f The writer was well acquainted with a virtuoso, who 
 preserved, with the most scrupulous care, a scrap of the 
 robe, found in the coffin of King John, at Winchester ; 
 who was also present at the opening of the vault, con- 
 taining the remains of Edward the Fourth : on which oc- 
 casion he tasted the pickle, found in the leaden recep- 
 tacle of that monarch, in order to discover, if possible, 
 
 of what liquids it was composed. Oh, what a relish ! 
 
 I The history of this cup must ever excite a smile on 
 the countenance of individuals, who are not enslaved by 
 this extraordinary taste for relics of antiquity ; and that 
 the reader, therefore, may not accuse me of selfishness, 
 I will, in as few words as possible, make him acquainted 
 with the fact. Mr. Steevens, who, for some particular 
 reason, did not feel any great predilection for the Anti- 
 
OF FOOLISH ANTIQUARIES. 127 
 
 Which, doubtless, from th' inscription, held 
 
 his Rhenish wine, 
 Because Shaksperian Steevens carv'd himself 
 
 the line. 
 
 quarian Society, caused a cup to be constructed of 
 stone, on which he engraved some rude Saxon characters, 
 apparently intimating, from broken syllables, that it 
 was the vessel, out of which Hardi Knute used to 
 drink to his knights at his round table. This vessel, 
 by the manoeuvres of Mr. Steevens, was conveyed to 
 Somerset House, for the inspection of the learned body 
 of antiquaries, after undergoing every neoessary trans* 
 figuration, to give it the appearance of having im- 
 bibed the mould of age, the solemn hue of antiquity. 
 Upon this cup the erudite Mr. Pegge wrote a very ela- 
 borate and learned disquisition, stamping it, indelibly, 
 the vessel of Knute ; after which it was returned to Mr. 
 Steevens, through the channel which he had made use of 
 in order to pass off his hoax. When that gentleman, 
 having thus gained his end, most inhumanly published 
 the whole transaction to the world ; still augmenting his 
 barbarity, by properly construing the lines engraven on 
 the vessel, which proved no other than a most biting sa- 
 tire on the Society he had thus imposed upon. Among 
 the impostors of this nature should not be omitted the 
 Rowieian Chatterton, and the Shaksperian Ireland, 
 whose memories will live as long as old chests and old 
 manuscripts stand on record. 
 
THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Old stones, bones, coffins, without number, 
 Pots, pipkins, pans, such kitchen lumber; 
 Old chain, mail, armour, weapons rusty, 
 Coins # , medals, parchment, writings musty: 
 Yet, after all antiques, not one compare I can 
 To that most rare of all, an antiquarian. 
 
 * A very curious story is related of a collector of old 
 coins, who, after displaying his valuable store to some 
 amateurs, suddenly missed a rare gold piece, of the Em- 
 peror Carusius, which had peculiarly attracted the atten- 
 tion of his visitors, when, instantly securing the door of 
 the apartment, he made the fact known, and requested 
 that the gentlemen would turn their pockets inside out, 
 in order to satisfy him that it was not in either of their 
 possessions. Each of the visitors, anxious to vindicate 
 himself from the charge of theft, instantly acquiesced 
 with the desire of the collector, who, not finding his coin 
 by this means, proceeded to acquaint the company that 
 he must be under the necessity of administering a strong 
 purgative to each party, which was accordingly ordered, 
 notwithstanding the most vehement opposition on all 
 sides ; when wrought upon by this vigorous mode of at- 
 tack, one of the amateurs, at length, confessed that 
 he had been unable to resist the powerful temptation: 
 and, as he wanted that coin only to render his series 
 complete, he had literally taken the opportunity of swal- 
 lowing it, in the hope of bearing away the prize; so that 
 4 
 
OF FOOLISH ANTIQUARIES. 129 
 
 l'en^voy OF THE POET. 
 O ! let me counsel, friend — For modern art, 
 And British genius should not be forgot. 
 Twere hard if Wedgewood could not act his 
 
 part, 
 And vie with Greek or Roman ch-mb-r p-t. 
 
 after evacuation he might be enabled to place it in his 
 own repository. It is almost needless to add, that the 
 injured collector did not suffer this swallower of emperors 
 to quit his mansion, until Carusius had passed the great 
 ordeal, and once more tasted the joys of light and 
 liberty. 
 
 By way of sequel to the above, the reader should be 
 informed, that shortly after the fact here related had taken 
 place, an old acquaintance of this purging collector de- 
 manded the cause which had instigated him to adopt so 
 extraordinary a method ; when he confessed, that \ipon 
 a former occasion he had himself pursued a similar expe- 
 dient, in order to become possessed of a scarce coin/ 1 
 which was deficient in his assortment ; and that, well 
 1 knowing from experience that nothing less than a smart 
 dose would have immediately brought forth the hidden 
 I treasure from his own bowels, he had consequently pur- 
 sued that plan, on finding that his lost treasure was not 
 concealed in the external accoutrements of his visitors. 
 
ISO THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 
( 131 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DELIGHT IN THE CHASE. 
 
 Uasino si cognosce all r orecchie. 
 
 Mounted on horse an ass now see. 
 That puts his life in jeopardy, 
 
 Because his only care 
 Is o'er pale, ditch, and gate to leap; 
 And gallop down the hill that's steep : 
 
 And all for what? — An hare. 
 
 *Tis nobly done : with hounds a score, 
 And horsemen too as many more, 
 To chase the timid deer # : 
 
 * In the Lives of the Saints, we are informed that Hu- 
 bert, the hunter, became a convert to fasting and prayer, 
 from a stag's appearing before him, while following the 
 sports of the field, with a crucifix between his antlers. 
 As to the truth of this legend the writer knows nothing ; 
 K 2 
 
IS£ THE SHIP OF TOOLS* 
 
 To list thy brutal, senseless cry, 
 When dogs condemn the prey to die, 
 Already dead with fear. 
 
 Or, up before the chant of cocks, 
 I view thee run the cunning fox* ; 
 When mark the sudden check : 
 
 but, at the same time, conceives, that were such deer 
 more common in the present day, they might deter 
 many fools from acts of cruelty, which too forcibly bring 
 to recollection the beautiful cogitations of Jacques on 
 the wounded stag, in Shakspeare's As you like it. 
 To the which place a poor sequestered stag, 
 That from the hunter's aim had ta'en a hurt, 
 Did come to languish ; and, indeed, my lord, 
 The wretched animal heav'd forth such groans, 
 That their discharge did stretch his leathern coat 
 Almost to bursting; and the big, round tears, 
 Cours'd one another down his innocent nose, 
 In piteous chase. 
 
 * That a lover of field sports may not want for a din- 
 ner, after one of these hard runs, I would advise him to 
 ■adopt the plan of the Huns, who, according to Ammi- 
 anus Marcellinus. 
 
 " Hunii semicruda cujusvis pecoris carne vescuntur. 
 quam inter femora sua et equorum terga subsertam, 
 fotu calefaciunt brevi. Or ; to quote Butler : 
 
OF SPOUTING FOOLS* 1.33 
 
 I see thee thrown in dire alarm ; 
 Snap goes a leg, a rib, an arm : 
 Or, what's less dear, thy neck *, 
 
 This is not all thy foolery: 
 Guilty thou art of cruelty, 
 
 Where most thou shouldst refrain + : 
 
 — — His countrymen the Huns, 
 
 Did use to stew between their bums, 
 
 And their warm horses' backs their meat, 
 
 And ev'ry man his saddle eat. 
 * Although the poet, in the above line, has conveyed 
 a most bitter sarcasm on the amateurs of the chase, we 
 cannot but reflect with pain on the untimely end of the late 
 amiable and refined Marquis of Tavistock, whose death 
 was occasioned by a fall from his horse while hunting, 
 which melancholy event soon occasioned also the de- 
 mise of his no less amiable lady. Nor can the writer but 
 reflect with sorrow on the dreadful effects which the 
 same diversion has produced in the person of the present 
 Lord D-rh-st : not to mention innumerable other in- 
 stances of a similar nature, of which there are living 
 testimonies; who are not only rendered objects to the 
 view of others, but are an unceasing burden to them- 
 selves. 
 
 t It has been the misfortune of the writer to expe- 
 
134 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Nay, thine is also cowardice ; 
 For noble minds disdain such vice ; 
 Nor give the pow'rless pain. 
 
 rience what is termed, a good chase ; and never were 
 his feelings more shocked than to witness the piercing 
 jcries of the timid hare, when the ravenous hounds darted 
 on their inoffensive prey. As to the much vaunted music 
 of a pack, it may do very well for gentlemen, whose 
 ears are enamoured of no softer tones than those which 
 resound from the blacksmith's hammer, or the united 
 brayings of a dozen asses. But for the writer, who ra- 
 ther pretends to have a little music in his soul, he is so 
 tasteless on the score of yelping curs, as to find in the 
 sounds nothing but dissonance and vile harshness. As 
 the annotator has been speaking of cruelty, he cannot 
 but add a few words on the score of cocking, which ge- 
 nerally claims the attention of sportsmen ; than which 
 no pursuit can possibly prove more repugnant to the 
 mind of feeling and sensibility ; and when it is remem- 
 bered that the great cockfighter, Mr. Ardesoif, in re- 
 venge for his bird having lost him a main, literally 
 roasted the unfortunate creature alive, it will not be 
 said, that the poet has overstretched the bounds of trutji 
 in speaking of the callosity of those minds which are 
 swayed by pursuits of this nature. 
 
 
OF SPORTING FOOLS. 135 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 As custom will each mental bane ensure, 
 
 Root from thy soul the rank, corrosive weeds; 
 
 Nor, for thy pastimes, make the weak endure 
 Those pangs that stain thy heart with savage 
 deeds. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 136 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PRETEND TO DESPISE 
 DEATH. 
 
 Summam nee metuas diem, nee optes. 
 
 And all our yesterdays have lighted fools 
 The way to dusty death. 
 
 The senseless fool, who oft delights 
 To laugh at all religious rites, 
 
 And ridicule the grave : 
 Will, when the hour of death draws near 
 Find all his courage end in fear; 
 
 And be no longer brave*. 
 
 * Shakspeare, in Measure for Measure, has delivered 
 the horrors that oppress the mind, on contemplating 
 death, in so beautiful a style, that the writer conceives no 
 apology necessary for the introduction of the lines under 
 this head: 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE DEATH. 137 
 
 Like gay Voltaire*, whose shafts of wit 
 Religion's sacred altars hit, 
 And oft would death defy ; 
 
 Claud. Death is a fearful thing. 
 Isab. And shamed life a hateful. 
 Claud. Ay, but to die, and go we know not where ; 
 To lie in cold obstruction, and to rot : 
 This sensible, warm motion, to become 
 A kneaded clod ; and the delighted spirit 
 To bathe in fiery floods ; or to reside 
 In thrilling regitfns of thick ribbed ice, 
 To be imprisoned in the viewless winds, 
 And blown with restless violence round about 
 The pendent world; or, to be worse than worst 
 Of those, that lawless and incertain thoughts 
 Imagine howling ! — 'tis too horrible ! 
 The weariest and most loathed worldly life, 
 That age, ache, penury, and imprisonment 
 Can lay on nature, is a paradise 
 To what we fear of death. 
 * This verse of the poet is not only applicable to the 
 renowned and free thinking Voltaire, but may, with 
 equal justice, be applied to the Rev. Dr. Dodd, who, in 
 his writings, held up to derision all idea of terror at the 
 contemplation of futurity ; yet, when condemned him- 
 self, by the dread behest of justice, no individual ever 
 evinced less firmness, on encountering his doom, than did 
 
138 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Who, when he drew his dying breath, 
 Although he'd scoff'd at God and death, 
 An atheist dar'd not die. 
 
 Thus, many a modern wit gives birth 
 To blasphemy and wicked mirth, 
 
 While health and pleasure reign; 
 But, sick in body, weak in mind, 
 These proud philosophers * soon find 
 
 Their tenets all are vain. 
 
 that unfortunate delinquent, to whom the following lines 
 from Rowe's Fair Penitent may be well applied. 
 Sci. Hast thou e'er dar'd to meditate on death ? 
 Cal. I have, as on the end of shame and sorrow. 
 Sci. Tis not the stoic's lessons got by rote, 
 
 The pomp of words, and pedant dissertations, 
 That can sustain thee in that hour of terror: 
 Books have taught cowards to talk nobly of it : 
 But, when the trial comes, they stand aghast. 
 
 * It is no very difficult matter to deride that which 
 we have not experienced : but, in order to meet the 
 blow of death with becoming calmness, we should ever 
 keep the words ofPersius in remembrance, who saith, 
 
 Vive memor lethi ! 
 in which concentrates more sterling good, than all the 
 
 4 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE DEATH. ]S9 
 
 For pious hope alone bestows 
 
 The cordial drop which heals our woes ; 
 
 To which this thought is giv'n, 
 That, when life's stormy voyage is o'er, 
 Death steers us to some peaceful shore, 
 
 To taste the joys of heav'n. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 That man, good sense with ideot name would 
 brand, 
 Who, void of food and raiment, journey'd 
 far: 
 Do thou prepare for that same unknown land ; 
 Nor, by neglect, thy soul's bright prospects 
 mar. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, let folly rear her whip, 
 For tho' but few, some fools will man my ship. 
 
 boasted arguments of philosophers can inculcate ; whose 
 dying moments have, generally speaking, given the lie 
 to their professions while living. 
 
( 140 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXIV. 
 
 OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 
 
 Diruit, sedificat, mutat quadrata rotundis. 
 
 He* bears a fardel on his back, 
 And sets his mind upon the rack ; 
 
 * It is difficult to discriminate to what class of men 
 this folly is most applicable, as they all partake of it in 
 a certain degree; and are so thoroughly convinced of 
 their weakness on this score, as to allow, that the more 
 they have, the more they want : travellers are peculiarly 
 the slaves of this temperament of mind, as the globe it- 
 self is insufficient to gratify their thirst after inquiry: 
 nor can a finer lesson be displayed than De Foe's Ro- 
 binson Crusoe, which is a most finished picture of the 
 instability of the human intellect. But navigators are 
 not more unsettled than what are denominated men of 
 science, whose labours have no termination, and whose 
 brains are eternally conjuring up new speculations, which 
 are too frequently hazarded without the warranty o^ 
 reason* 
 
OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 141 
 
 Toiling for that, which when attaint, 
 He cares not if he'd never gain'd ; 
 Finding what most deserv'd caressing, 
 Unworthy even the possessing. 
 
 Whose primitive tradition reaches 
 
 As far as Adam's first green breeches : 
 
 Deep sighted in intelligences, 
 
 Ideas, atonies, influences; 
 
 And much of Terra Licognita, 
 
 Th ? intelligible world can say. 
 Much has been said of the female part of the creation, 
 in speaking of this foll\ ; nevertheless I must candidly 
 affirm, that I do not perceive any feature so prominent 
 in women, as to brand them more than their lords with 
 this failing; and if we talk of affection, which is, per- 
 haps, one of the noblest characteristicks of the human 
 mind, the feminine part of creation undoubtedly claims 
 pre-eminence over the male. Where can we find more 
 extraordinary instances of heroism, than have been dis- 
 played by women who have been actuated by love for 
 men in misfortune : they generally give proofs of pos- 
 sessing a greater portion of equanimity : and, in the hour 
 of success, the same fervor of passion animates their 
 bosoms : while men, yielding to the fascinations of plea- 
 sure, as universally waver from the fixed principle which 
 honour, duty, and gratitude claim at their hands. In fine, 
 the page of history displays one unvarying proof of the 
 
142 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 What most his folly doth augment, 
 
 Exciting peevish discontent, 
 
 Is to attain each point desir'd, 
 
 Without opponent being fir'd 
 
 To battle, for the destin'd treasure ; 
 
 For therein most consists its pleasure. 
 
 As April rays, the wav'ring mind 
 Shows fair, concealing foul behind : 
 One hour, determin'd not to vary ; 
 The next enacting quite contrary : 
 Ending, at last, with pangs augmented ; 
 Unsteady still and discontented. 
 
 discontented and unsteady humour of mankind; kings 
 would be gods ; lords would be kings : every captain 
 would prove an Alexander ; and every beggar an inde- 
 pendent gentleman : and yet, if it were possible to change 
 their several stations at pleasure, a something would 
 still be wanting to realize the scene of fancied happi* 
 ness; and it is therefore most certain, that he who knows 
 and enjoys the least, approximates the nearest to that 
 most envied of all earthly states — content. 
 
 Un certo e meglio che dieci incerti. 
 
OF DISCONTENTED FOOLS. 143 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Curb, in thy bosom, ev'ry changeful thought ; 
 
 And o'er thy wishes hold the steady rein : 
 For he who's fancy's fool, is folly fraught ; 
 
 Grasping mere phantoms of his ideot brain. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 144 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXV, 
 
 OF TOOLS WHO GO TO LAW FOR TRIFLES, 
 
 Cum licet fugere, ne quaere litem. 
 
 The fool, who doth at trifles claw ; 
 And to obtain 'em goes to law : 
 Yet, having met with sad disaster, 
 .Applies to heal it, blister plaister. 
 The remedy near fails to stick 
 Upon his head, so wond'rous thick. 
 For, if with law # you once begin, 
 'Twill strip the poor man to the skin : 
 
 * Time hath been when this nation was priest ridden, 
 but now we are laze ridden. Not that the professional 
 gentlemen are so much to blame ; for it is their province 
 to exist on the folly of others : and if mankind will squab- 
 ble about straws, lawyers are in the right to profit by 
 their want of reason. As for my own part, I perfectly 
 agree with the old French proverb, " Bon avocat, mau- 
 vais voisin ;" and will endeavour to profit by the advice, 
 
OF FOOLS WHO GO TO LAW. 145 
 
 And from the rich alike will steal 
 Enough to make the client feel, 
 
 while it shall please Heaven to make me a sojourner on 
 this side of the grave. Merciful powers ! How much do 
 I feel pity for that fool who, as Butler saith, 
 
 Believes no voice t'an organ, 
 
 So sweet as lawyer's in his bar gown ; 
 Until, with subtle cobweb cheats, 
 They're catchM in knotted law, like nets : 
 In which, when once they are irabrangled, 
 The more they stir, the more they're tangled -: 
 And, while with purses can dispute, 
 There's no end of th' immortal suit. 
 In the rolls of parliament, A. D. 1445, is a petition 
 from the commons of two counties, showing, that the 
 number of attorneys had increased from eight to twenty- 
 four, whereby the peace of those counties had been 
 greatly interrupted by suits : the commons, therefore, 
 petitioned that it may be ordained, that there shall be 
 no more than six common attorneys for Norfolk, six for 
 Suffolk, and two for the city of Norwich. Any other 
 person, acting as an attorney, to forfeit 20s. They 
 granted the prayer of the petition, provided the judges 
 thought it reasonable ! 
 
 Widow Blackacre, in Wycherley's excellent comedy of 
 The Plain Dealer, is a most finished picture of this spe- 
 cies of folly ; neither can the writer refrain from noticing 
 the anecdote of a noble peer, who complained to a 
 L 
 
146 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Just like the sheep that, in a storm, 
 Sought 'neath the hedge a covert warm ; 
 And there, from rain and wind defended, 
 He waited till the storm was ended ; 
 Then bleated out a thousand thanks, 
 And bounded blithe to sunny banks : 
 But found, though shelter'd from the wind. 
 Part of his fleece was left behind. 
 Thus, bramble like, we find that law, 
 When once a fool gets in its jaw, 
 
 friend, that he had a blood horse so excessively spirited, 
 as to defy all attempts at breaking in ; and that no place 
 was sufficiently strong to contain him. " Say not so : n 
 replied the gentleman, " do you but put him in the Court 
 of Chancery, and I'll be bound he will never get out 
 again." Alexander Stevens, in his Lecture on Heads, 
 used also to relate the facetious story of Bullam versus 
 Boatum, which was a very fair sarcasm on this kind of 
 legal warfare : for no country can boast more obstinacy 
 and folly, on litigious points, than my own native island. 
 Le litti non generanto, mai amicizia. 
 
 The subjoined paragraph will, it is conceived, prove a 
 further elucidation of the poet's meaning : 
 
 The following was copied from the New Jersey Jour- 
 nal: " To be sold, on the 8th of July, 131 suits in law, 
 the property of an eminent attorney, about to retire from 
 business. Note, the clients are rich and obstinate ! >y 
 
OF FOOLS WHO GO TO LAW. 147 
 
 Though from the theft he saves his coat, 
 'Twill steal the pound % and leave the groat. 
 
 * If, previous to a consultation with an attorney, a 
 man would give a few moments to calm reflection, he 
 would frequently save, not only his property, but what 
 is far more valuable, his peace of mind : for, in the 
 course of legal investigations, it is astonishing how many 
 unforeseen circumstances the parties have to encounter ; 
 what with witnesses being fooled by counsel, or having 
 rather deaf consciences, and juries swayed by prejudice, 
 or the glib tongue of the pleader, it becomes a very du- 
 bious point, even in the clearest case, who will come off 
 the victor : and it also very frequently happens that the 
 vanquished, unable to pay expenses, surrenders himself 
 to a gaol, leaving the gainer to liquidate all costs, and 
 solace himself with the imprisonment of his adversary ; 
 who, after a period, calls upon him for the daily stipend 
 of sixpence; in failure of the payment of which the 
 plaintiff gives the defendant his liberty. 
 i For witnesses, like watches, go 
 
 Just as they're set, too fast or slow, 
 And where, in conscience, th* are strait-Iac'd, 
 'Tis ten to one that side is cast. 
 Do not your juries give their verdict , 
 As if they felt the cause, not heard it f 
 And, as they please, make matter of fact 
 Run all on one side, as they're packt? 
 Nature has made man's breast no windores, 
 To publish what he does within doors. 
 I L2 
 
148 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Take special care ; nor cavil thus for naught : 
 
 For, though a favourable verdict's giv'n ; 
 Thou'lt own revenge, though sweet, is dearly 
 bought, 
 To find thyself and poverty just even 
 
 THE POETS CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man. my Stultifera Navis, 
 
 
( 149 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PROVIDE NOTHING IN 
 YOUTH TO LIVE IN AGE. 
 
 Fve learn'd that fearful commenting 
 
 Is leaden servitor to dull delay ; 
 
 Delay leads impotent and snail-pac'd beggary. 
 
 The insect gay, that takes its flight, 
 
 'Midst summer's rosy bowers ; 
 And drinks the pearly dews of night, 
 
 From bells of nectar'd flowers ; 
 
 In airy circlets, light and gay, 
 
 On golden winglet flies ; 
 Enjoys the solar beams of day, 
 
 And in the evening dies. 
 
 Thus, oft in fancy's fairy dreams, 
 Man's gay pursuits subside : 
 
150 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And youth is spent in festive scenes, 
 Which ne'er for age provide*. 
 
 * No set of fools require less commiseration than those 
 at present under our review ; for, notwithstanding the 
 hourly proofs of the insufficiency of age in every instance 
 which requires animal, and too frequently, mental exer- 
 tion, we find the impulse of folly counteract each so- 
 ber dictate of reason; as if by rushing into excess, we 
 were to invigorate the system ; and, by dissipating in 
 youth, we hoarded up for age. There is, however, a me- 
 dium between that over wariness which contaminates the 
 mind with avarice, and the prodigality which beggars 
 him who dissipates ; for it has afforded matter for much 
 disquisition, which of the two is most prejudicial, 
 the penurious man, or the spendthrift: and, notwith- 
 standing the ills resulting from the latter, it is, neverthe- 
 less, a received opinion, that the former is most inimical 
 to the interests and well being of society. It is the pro- 
 vince of every man to remember, that if a duration of 
 life be granted him, he must, of necessity, become old ; 
 and that his youthful powers are not only accorded to 
 him for the present enjoyment, but to ward against the 
 evils of want in future : for he who is incapable of assist- 
 ing either himself or others, will find but a cold recep- 
 tion from the world ; and, like the drone in the hive, be 
 turned adrift, as unworthy the protection of the indus- 
 trious and the frugal. I shall now relate a fact respecting 
 
OF IMPROVIDENT FOOLS. 151 
 
 For oft o'er penury's sparing board. 
 When old, the spendthrift sighs ; 
 
 And mighty man/ creation's lord, 
 A poor ephem'ron dies. 
 
 another species of fools, who may be classed under this 
 head, and whose history was as follows . 
 
 A man, finding himself possessed of so many hundred 
 pounds, when at the age of forty, took it into his head 
 that he should just live to attain his 64th year ; and, un- 
 der this conviction, he calculated how much would be 
 sufficient for his annual expenditure ; which having ac- 
 complished, he divided and subdivided his gold into the 
 number of portions, making his last farthing to be gone 
 on the completion of the stipulated age of 64. Now, it 
 so happened, that he not only lived to the above period, 
 but fulfilled his 73d year ; consequently, for the last nine 
 years of his existence, being left pennyless, he had re- 
 course to charity; and was never known to fail in at- 
 tending on London bridge, which was his place of stand, 
 where he appeared with a placard on his breast, whereon 
 he had written these words, " Wrong in my calculation? 
 Which inscription, on account of its singularity, used 
 to attract the attention of passengers, who, on hearing 
 this story from the lips of the self-convicted fool, used to 
 i flrop their mite, and profit by the instruction. 
 
154 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 y 
 
 And does the summer's radiance quite dispel 
 All thought of winter's chilling blast from 
 thee ? 
 
 Go, brainless dolt, and banish famine fell: 
 Thy lesson learn from the industrious bee. 
 
 THE POETS CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 
( 153 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO ARE IN LOVE. 
 Amare et sapere vix Deo conceduntur. 
 
 These stand indeed confessed for fools in mind, 
 Since they select for guide a child* that's blind ; 
 
 * How shall I find words to convey a just idea of the 
 matchless power and folly of this little blind urchin ? 
 what kingdoms has he not overthrown, what mighty men 
 have not been subjugated to his will ! Alexander for his 
 Thais burned the famed city of Persepolis. Marc An- 
 tony for Cleopatra, bartered the dominion of the world. 
 Love can transform wisdom into folly, and turn reason 
 into madness : it will make the hundred eyes of Argus as 
 blind as their resemblance on the peacock's tail ; or lead in 
 rosy bands the fierce and strong Cyclops famed workmen 
 of the Lemnian Isle ; it will burn as fierce in Friezeland 
 as under the line, and animate the breast of stone : it is 
 the unquenchable furnace of the brain, a firebrand in the 
 blood — Woe be unto the man that cherisheth it ; for it 
 will engender naught but folly. 
 
154 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And sigh and pine and mope like ideots stupid, 
 Talking of flames and darts, and cruel Cupid. 
 
 These are your mad folks that will hang and 
 
 drown, 
 If either * should requite a smile with frown ; 
 Who boast pure passions, such as angels cherish, 
 Passions which sated f soon are found to perish. 
 
 For, what, my, fools is this celestial fire, 
 This boasted ray, save animal desire ; 
 For when in youthful vigour full it rages, 
 While time's chill torpid hand the flame 
 assuages, 
 
 * As to the whims of lovers, they are innumerable, be- 
 ing as capricious in fancy as the winds of March, or the 
 showers of April; their bickerings, however, prove of no 
 very serious consequence, for Terence has emphatically 
 said, 
 
 Amantium irae amoris redintegratio est. 
 
 t In the aboveline, and throughout the following stanza, 
 the poet very suddenly humiliates the celestial properties 
 of love, and makes him but a dependent on carnal grati- 
 fication : but as there seems a degree of impiety in his re- 
 mark, I beg leave to be excused from venturing any 
 opinions upon the subject. 
 
OF FOOLS IV LOVE. 155 
 
 A pretty face, or well turn'd shape will raise, 
 These ideots passions, and create a blaze 
 More raging far than furnace *, which they 
 
 tell usj 
 The Cyclops kindled when they blew their bel- 
 lows. 
 
 Then naught is heard but sighs and vows, till 
 
 soon, 
 Marriage brings on the billing honey moon f ; 
 
 * Speaking of the power of this divinity over all human- 
 kind, Voltaire thus expressed himself in two lines to be 
 graven under the Statue of Love. 
 
 Qui que tu soit, voici ton maitre, 
 11 est, le fut ou le doit etre. 
 And Butler makes his Hudibras conclude the heroical 
 Epistle to his Lady in these words. 
 
 SubscribM his name, but at a fit 
 And humble distance, to his zcit ; 
 And dated it with wondrous art, 
 Giv f nfrom the bottom of his heart. 
 Then sealM it with his coat of love f 
 A smoking faggot — and above, 
 Upon a scroll — I burn and zceep. 
 And near it — For her Ladyship. 
 t In order to cool a little this connubial phrenzy, we will 
 quote an anecdote of Rosso the Italian Poet, who in the 
 
156 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 Which pass'd, no more is heard of oaths and 
 dying, 
 
 Love # shakes his wings, and forth from win- 
 dow's flying. 
 
 memoirs of his life, written by himself, states, that he 
 was extremely happy in two marriages : for his first wife 
 was dumb, and his second blind ; but, adds the bard, my 
 third is neither one nor t'other ! 
 
 Neither should be omitted the following remark of a 
 very observant and clever man. 
 
 Louis XIV. one day asked the Marshal Uxelles why he 
 did not marry ? " Why," said the blunt soldier, " Sire, 
 I have not yet found the woman of whom I would wish to 
 be the husband, nor the child of whom I would wish to be 
 thefather." 
 
 * There is most assuredly, infinite force in this line of 
 the poet, which obviously alludes to the third stanza of 
 the present section, and if indeed, we consider the point 
 minutely, and measure the whole by the standard of the 
 conduct of married people in general, there certainly ap- 
 pears something like reason in the conclusion drawn by 
 the poetaster, who seems to indicate, that love is no other 
 than desire, notwithstanding all its votaries swear to their 
 mistresses point blank to the contrary. 
 
©* FOOLS IN LOVE. 157 
 
 Some fools there are, who prate of love * pla- 
 
 tonic, 
 Just like the secret fam'd of tribe masonic ; 
 A secret of such note, that those who win it, 
 Find for their pains that there is nothing in it, 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Let not mere face and form thy sense subdue, 
 For, though desire may blind thee for a season, 
 
 The mind can only stamp affection true, 
 By permanently sealing love in reason. 
 
 * At length our son of Apollo has let the cat out of the 
 bag, for, if he turns platonic love into ridicule, he doubt- 
 less means to aver, that without sexual intercourse, 
 nothing can exist but friendship and esteem, thereby ren- 
 dering love a gross desire instead of an heavenly emana- 
 tion, and treating it with as much nonchalance as if ha 
 was speaking of eating, drinking, sleeping, &c &c. yet 
 what is to be said of Heloise, who was to be content with 
 nothing, and " to dream the rest;" surely our poet must 
 allow himself in error, if a lady of such a temperament 
 as we are given to understand she possessed, could be 
 satisfied in this easy manner; though I must confess, that 
 he would confound me, did he ask what damsels of the 
 present period, would think of such a numby pamby sys* 
 
 tCH>. 
 
158 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 159 ) 
 
 SECTION XXXVIII. 
 
 OF FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS AND STAR 
 GAZERS. 
 
 For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that in- 
 creaseth knowledge, increaseth sorrow. 
 
 Here's one, that rears his thoughts on high, 
 
 And makes a ledger of the sky ; 
 
 That he may read the planet's motions, 
 
 Deducing thence strange whims and notions ; 
 
 Demonstrating at once with ease, 
 
 The moon's not made of Cheshire cheese *• 
 
 Or now he shows, from certain reasons, 
 Th' approaching changes of the seasons ; 
 
 * Fontaine's fable on the effects of star-gazing, is not 
 inapplicable to this section ; who makes his Astronomer 
 consider a planet for such a length of time, that, totally 
 unmindful of his situation, he steps into a well, at whose 
 brink he had taken his station. And the Satirist Butler, 
 no less exposes the folly of these pretended Savans, when 
 he causes the acute Sidrophel to mistake a lanthorn at a 
 kite's tail, for some newly discovered comet. 
 
160 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 How weather will become precarious, 
 When Sol shall enter in Aquarius ; 
 Or genial heat produce before us # , 
 The budding flow'rs when he's in Taurus. 
 
 Then will he calculate, and from it 
 Tell ye, when next shall come a comet ; 
 With tail more fine than coachmen's whips, 
 Or else will speak of Sol's eclipse ; 
 All this he makes a common trade of, 
 Yet knows not what the comet's made of. 
 
 * Nothing can better expose the ridiculous folly of pre- 
 tending to understand by the stars, the events which are; 
 to happen to mankind, than the following inimitable lines. 
 
 There's but the twinkling of a star, 
 
 Between a man of peace and war ; 
 
 A thief and justice, fool and knave, 
 
 A huffing officer and slave, 
 
 A crafty lawyer and pickpocket, 
 
 A great philosopher and a blockhead^ 
 
 A formal preacher and a player, 
 
 A learn'd physician and manslayer ; 
 
 As if men from the stars did suck, 
 
 Old age, diseases, and ill-luck ; 
 
 Wit, folly, honour, virtue, vice, 
 
 Trade, travel, women, cl — ps and dice ; 
 
 And draw with the first air they breathy 
 
 Battel and murther, sudden death. 
 
OF FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS, &C. l6l 
 
 Of wind he'll speak, yet can't disclose, 
 From whence it comes, or where it goes ; 
 To regions unexplor'd he'll guide us, 
 Finding at length a Georgium Sidus; 
 And having other worlds made known, 
 Dies, knowing nothing of his own # . 
 
 What though tow'rd Sol the glass you bend, 
 His nature you can't comprehend f ; 
 Or, if you did, what would accrue, 
 I pr'ythee, friend, to me or you ; 
 Why, both must die, and leave behind, 
 What serves nor us, nor humankind. 
 
 * The great Newton, after all his researches into the 
 regions of heaven, wrote a treatise on the Revelations; 
 and the philosophic Boyle, whose mind soared above all 
 vulgar prejudices, nevertheless quitted the tract he had 
 so long pursued, in order to pen his Meditations, which 
 were afterwards so ably satirized by Dean Swift, who in- 
 scribed his production " Meditations on a Broom Stick" 
 But what avails, let me ask, all this boasted research ? So- 
 crates, with his intense study, affirmed, that all he knew 
 was, that he knew nothing ; while Tyrrho, the founder of 
 scepticism, alleged that he knezo nothing, not even this, 
 that he knew nothing ; so much for the subtilization of the 
 •schools, and the refinement on philosophy. 
 
 f This is most assuredly what maybe termed a dead hit 
 M 
 
162 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Hold, hold, vain man, nor let thy simple rjrain, 
 
 In fruitless labour human life bestow ; 
 'Mid endless space to journey is but vain, 
 
 Thy finite brain suits better things below. 
 
 THE POET'S CHOBUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 on the part of our poet, who hath, in the above line 
 struck at the root of Astronomy, the research into which 
 has never yet enabled us to comprehend the properties of 
 that great luminary of heaven, although some learned 
 fools have affirmed, that it consists of fire, and others 
 have stated it to be the effect of attraction and reflection, 
 while Anaxagoras, the Clazomenian philosopher, gravely 
 asserts, that 
 
 The Sun was but a piece 
 
 Of red hot iron, as big as Greece : 
 
 Believed the heavens were made of stone, 
 
 Because the Sun had voided one : 
 
 And, rather than he would recant 
 
 TV opinion, suffer 'd banishment , 
 Diogen. Laert. speaking of the opinions of AnaxagorQ 
 thus expresses himself : 
 
 
OF FOOLISH ASTRONOMERS, &C. 163 
 
 Anaxagoras affirmabat Solem candens ferrum esse, et 
 Peloponesso majorem : Lunam habitacula in se habere, et 
 colles, et valles. Fertur dixisse coelum omne ex lapidi- 
 bus esse compositum ; damnatus et in exilium pulsus 
 est, quod inipie solem candentem laminam esse dixisset. 
 In Aristotle de codo y we find, that some Astronomers 
 were of opinion, that the heavens were held up like a top, 
 being kept in constant circulation. Plato believed, that 
 the Sun and Moon were below ail other planets ; and the 
 Egyptians have informed us, that the Sun has twice shifted 
 its rising and setting ; still, all is, as it was, the Sun 
 riseth, the Sun setteth, it giveth light, and is the nourisher 
 of vegetation; and be it what it may, it still is, and wilt 
 ever be, what I denominate, the Sun. This I call stating 
 facts which bid defiance even to scepticism, 
 
 M ( 
 
( 164) 
 
 SECTION XXXIX. 
 
 OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 
 
 Avs est sine arte, cujus principium est mentiri, me- 
 dium laborare et finis mendicare. 
 
 Lo here's the fool whose cogitation, 
 Will prove all metals' transmutation * ; 
 Producing gold from worthless lead, 
 
 ! could he but transmute his head ; 
 The labour might repay his pains, 
 Storing his empty skull with brains. 
 
 * The professor of Alchemy very shrewdly pretends, 
 first to make gold, second to discover an universal medi- 
 cine or panacea, and third, an universal dissolvent, or 
 alkahest ; the success which has attended these endeavours 
 
 1 leave to the discovery of others, as my province alone, 
 consists in proving him by his labours, in every respect, 
 entitled to the rank of fool; which is accomplished with 
 little difficulty, when it is remembered, that if the alche- 
 mist produces gold, it is at a greater expense than the 
 ore is intrinsically worth, while his panacea and dissolvent 
 are yet in embryo, notwithstanding all the study, la* 
 fcour and expense bestowed upon the research. 
 
OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 165 
 
 O'er crucible he hangs delighted, 
 In hopes to find his toil requited ; 
 Building fine castles in the air, 
 When gold shall recompense his care ; 
 And give to his delighted view, 
 The treasures of the fam'd Peru *. 
 
 Thus freely having wealth expended, 
 He finds when all his labour's ended ; 
 That time and gold alike are lost, 
 Since dross repays him for his cost ; 
 'Spite of experience still he's bent, 
 To try some vain experiment. 
 
 * Many fools have been led astray by the fascinating 
 hope of making gold, and, among the rest, Mrs. Thomas, 
 the authoress, and intimate friend of Pope, better known 
 by the appellation of Corinna, is not to be forgotten ; 
 who was, for a long time, persuaded to place de- 
 pendence on an Alchemist, who asserted his skill to be 
 such, as to have attained to the summit of this extraordi- 
 nary science ; yet, let it not be supposed, that the lady 
 was made the depository of all these wonders gratis ; on 
 the contrary, she paid dearly for peeping, having in re- 
 turn for the advance of her palpable coin, nothing but the 
 mere shadow expectancy, which terminated as it began, 
 in nothing ; to this lady, as well as to all fools who yield 
 to this madness, we may use the old Italian proverb : 
 Non fidatevi al alchemista povero, 6 ai medico ammalato. 
 
166 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Thus coining for himself new troubles, 
 
 He sets afloat sueh airy bubbles, 
 
 As boys, from pipes, with suds will make, sir, 
 
 Which float a second, and then break, sir. 
 
 So, fool*, be wise, to reason list, 
 
 {Shun dross for sense — thou Alchemist. 
 
 * Although I may not be exactly correct, in jumbling 
 Astrology with Alchemy, yet their relationship on the 
 score of probability and possibility is such, that I cannot 
 refrain from speaking under this section, of the renowned 
 black art, concerning which, Voltaire, in his satirical 
 poem of the Pucelle D 'Orleans, gives these lines, 
 De plus grand clerc en sorcellerie, 
 Savant dans Tart en Egypte sacr6, 
 Dans ce grand art cultiv£ chez les mages, 
 Chez les Hebreux, chez les antique sages; 
 De nos savans dans nos jours ignore, 
 Jours malheureux ! tout a deg^nere. 
 
 A very remarkable instance of this study is recorded in 
 the person of Cornelius Jgrippa, whose dog, on account 
 of some antics which he had taught the animal to play, 
 was supposed to be his familiar spirit; but the author of 
 Magia Adamica, took infinite pains to vindicate both the 
 master and the dog from this vile aspersion, and Cornelius 
 himself, on account of the vulgar prejudices which pre- 
 vailed against him, was subjected to the most rigorous per* 
 secutions, insomuch, that he in the end found out Itts 
 
OF FOOLISH ALCHEMISTS. 16? 
 
 l'eisivoy OF THE POET. 
 
 The silly man, whose labour is bul vain, 
 And still will persevere to understand ; 
 
 Is like a fool, who sows his golden grain, 
 Expecting crop, tho' from the barren sand. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 folly, and wrote a treatise on the Vanity of all Human 
 Science. But this popular odium is not to be wondered 
 at, when we recollect, that the period of ignorance and 
 superstition denominated every thing, and every body, 
 above mortality, which possessed knowledge superior to 
 the vulgar comprehension : thus we find that most of the 
 gods of the ancients, from being originally proficients in 
 different arts and sciences, were, after their demise, ex- 
 alted to the rank of immortals. Friar Bacon, in the 
 reign of Edward I. was supposed to be in league with 
 the devil; Robert Grosthead, bishop of Lincoln, in the 
 time of Henry III. was, on account of his learning, 
 deemed a conjurer, and degraded by Pope Innocent IV. 
 and Galileo, the astronomer, for venturing to affirm that 
 the sun was a fixed body, and that the earth moved, en- 
 dured captivity for a series of years in the Inquisition; 
 but speaking of the Occult Sciences, we may say of its 
 student, that 
 
168 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 He had been long t' wards mathematics, 
 Optics, philosophy , and statics ; 
 Magic, horoscopie, astrologie, 
 And was old dog at phisiologie ; 
 But, as a dog that turns the spit, 
 Bestirs himself, and plies his feet; 
 To climb the wheel, but all in vain, 
 His own weight brings him down again. 
 
 Nor ought we to conclude this note, without applying the 
 words of our immortal bard, who thus expresseth himself 
 in King Lear. " This is the excellent foppery of the world, 
 that, when we are in sick fortune (often the surfeits of our 
 behaviour) we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the 
 moon, and the stars; as if we were villains on necessity ; 
 fools by heavenly compulsion ; knaves, thieves, and trea- 
 cherous, by spherical predominance : drunkards, liars, 
 and adulterers, by an inforced obedience of planetary in- 
 fluence ; and all that we are evil in, by a divine thrusting 
 on. An admirable evasion of whore-master man, to lay 
 his goatish disposition on the charge of a star ! My father 
 compounded with my mother under the Dragon's tail, 
 and my nativity was under Ursa major ; so that it follows, 
 I am rough and lecherous. I should have been what I 
 am, had the maidenliest star in the firmament twinkled oa 
 my bastardizing/' 
 
( 169 ) 
 
 SECTION XL. 
 
 OF THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS. 
 
 Whoso boasteth himself of a false gift, is like clouds 
 and wind without rain. 
 
 Here's one, who talks as much of knowledge, 
 
 As any big wig at a college ; 
 
 And thinks himself of wits the pillar, 
 
 With the assistance of Joe Miller ; 
 But as for Latin, Hebrew, Greek, 
 One word he can, nor read, nor speak *. 
 
 * The garrulity of this class of fools is so universally 
 heard in the present day, that it is hardly possible to 
 frequent a company without finding yourself pestered to 
 death by one of these leeches ; who, to gratify his self- 
 enamoured fancy, sucks away every particle of your 
 good temper, thus depriving you of the little pleasure 
 which you had imagined the society might afford ; this 
 brings to mind these lines in the Merchant of Venice: 
 
 u Gratiano speaks an infinite deal of nothing, more 
 than any man in all Venice : his reasons are as two grains 
 of wheat hid in two bushels of chaff, you shall seek all 
 day ere you find them, and when you have them, they 
 are**hot worth the search". 
 
170 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 Or, if the German you are praising, 
 His knowledge of that tongue's amazing ; 
 As well as Spanish, French, Italian, 
 He'll carve to boot like a Pygmalion ; 
 And as for painting, he can show, 
 Designs more grand than Angelo *. 
 
 His wealth, if any friend's relating, 
 Of Funds and Bank Stock he'll be prating ; 
 Or if you speak of some lord knowing, 
 Three dukes tow'rd him are favours showing ; 
 And with respect to Cupid's darts, 
 None ever smote so many hearts f * 
 
 * No matter how difficult the art or science may be, 
 the fool is equally au fait at every thing, so that ninety- 
 nine men out of the hundred, only enact the part of Bo- 
 badil in different ways. Merciful Heaven ! what instances 
 of this presumptuous folly have I not been the witness of, 
 until my very bowels have yearned within me ! I had 
 very nearly forgotten a curious instance of literary vain 
 boasting, which appeared some time since on the title of 
 a book written by a German Professor, who absolutely 
 thus worded the nature of his treatise. 
 
 " Observations on all things and several other things 
 besides. * But, to conclude, from all such men, " Good 
 Lord deliver me ! r 
 
 \ To hear the poor fool prate of riches, or the loath- 
 
Otf THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS, 171 
 
 But, to be brief, the theme is naught, sir, 
 In self commending he's so fraught, sir; 
 
 some object talk of conquests in love affairs, is a species 
 ©f vain boasting so palpable, as to draw down pity and 
 contempt on the wretch who practises it; yet, show me the 
 man possessed of the smallest share of discernment, who 
 has not been a witness of this enormous folly; nay, and in 
 the latter case particularly, it is to be observed, that the 
 plainest individuals are the loudest in boasting : such men 
 very much remind me of a baboon who should watch his 
 beautiful mistress attiring herself, and afterwards have 
 recourse to the same methods, in order to adonize his 
 repulsive figure, which will appear to him equally be- 
 witching, when reflected in the mirror, though all other 
 eyes but his own perceive the deformity, and laugh in 
 their sleeves at his consummate vanity. It is, notwith- 
 standing, very requisite in this note, that I should say a 
 few words by way of apology for this latter class of fools, 
 who are certainly, in some respects entitled to indulge in 
 their propensity, on account of the extraordinary taste 
 evinced by many ladies of ton at the present era, who be- 
 ing possessed of every requisite that is desirable in an 
 husband, will frequently (for the sake of diversity, I 
 suppose) intrigue with a being, not only contemptible 
 in person, but debased in mind. To adduce instances 
 would be fruitless ; however, a late crim. con. action is a 
 sufficient testimony of the justness of this remark. 
 Onore, e vergogna-se la donna li perde mai li ritrova. 
 
17$ THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 That none in boasting can outvie him, 
 Or to speak plainer, friend, outlie him * ; 
 For if you'd dare him, it is odds, 
 He'd claim alliance with the gods. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Fruitless are all our efforts, all our pains, 
 Perfection in one science none can boast ; 
 
 He surely then is fool, who still maintains, 
 That o'er all excellence he rules the roast. 
 
 * FalstafFs relation to the Prince of Wales, may be so 
 well applied to these fools, that I cannot refrain from 
 quoting his words : 
 
 Hen. O ! monstrous ! eleven buckram men grown out 
 of two ! 
 
 Fal. But, as the devil would have it, three mis-begot- 
 ten knaves in Kendal- green, came at my back, and let 
 drive at me ; (for it was so dark, Hal, that thou could st 
 not see thy hand). 
 
 Hen, These lies are like the father that begets them, 
 
 gross as a mountain, open, palpable, 
 
 Why, how could'st thou know these men in Kendal- 
 
 green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy 
 hand ? Come, tell us your reason : what say'st thou to 
 this ?-— 
 
 A un grand bugiardo, ci vuol buona memoria. 
 
 . 
 
OF THE VAIN BOASTING OF FOOLS. 173 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 174 ) 
 
 SECTION XLI. 
 
 OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS. 
 
 Cupido dominandi cunctis affectibus flagrantior est. 
 
 As sensual appetites in men we find, 
 Ambition's but the glutton of the mind ; 
 That gorges worlds, and yet sighs out for more, 
 As famous Alexander # did of yore. 
 
 * The folly of this renowned chief is handed down to 
 us, who blubbered in sooth, because he had no more 
 worlds to conquer, or rather because be could cut no 
 more throats ; for I should like to know, if these great 
 men, your Caesars, Hannibals, Pompevs, &c. &c. were 
 any other than a set of licensed robbers and murderers ; 
 therefore, well has a reverend divine said, 
 
 One murder made a villain ; 
 
 Millions a hero. Princes were privileged 
 To kill, and numbers sanctify'd the crime. 
 What has not ambition done, and what will it not under- 
 take, to attain its object ? read but the annals of the world, 
 nay, even look to the simple relation of Spanish barba- 
 rity in Peru and Mexico ; in short, there is not a state but 
 has had to show its aspiring fools.Yet how must the braggart 
 Lewis XIV. have been humbled, who in the progress of 
 
OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS. I7<> 
 
 Ambition is a ladder # rear'd on high, 
 Which unsupported reaches to the sky ; 
 A flight that none but fools or madmen take, 
 Who in ascending wish their necks to break. 
 
 his glory, caused a medal to be struck, representing (in 
 allusion to himself) the sun in its meridian splendour ; but 
 having received a check from the arms of King William, 
 at that time Prince of Orange, a Dutchman executed a 
 similar coin, with this addition, that the Prince of Orange 
 was represented as Joshua commanding the Sun to stand 
 still. Such are the reverses which high vaulting ambition 
 must look to ; such proved the downfall of a Wolsey, and 
 may such be the declension and the fate of that Imperial 
 fool, whose ambition even now grasps at the attainment 
 of universal sway! Abbraccia tal volta la fortuna coloro, 
 che vuol poi affogare. 
 
 * It is of little consequence, whether or not the poet 
 had his eye upon Shakspeare's simile in the above line, as 
 the beauty of our dramatist's words it is hoped, will plead 
 the annotator's excuse for their introduction here : 
 
 — — — — — 'Tis a common proof, 
 
 That lowliness is young ambition's ladder, 
 Whereto the climber upwards turns his face; 
 But when he once attains the upmost round, 
 He then unto the ladder turns his back, 
 Looks in the clouds, scorning the base degrees 
 By which he did ascend. 
 
176 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Ambition is a gilded bubble bright, 
 
 That hoodwinks sense, and blinds the keenest 
 
 sight ; 
 A specious phantom, deck'd in all that's fair, 
 Which when embrac'd evaporates in air. 
 
 Ambition's every thing so long as sought, 
 While wish'd for matchless, when possess'd but 
 
 naught ; 
 Tis sunshine, darkness, — gold and worthless 
 
 dross, 
 The wiseman's scarecrow, and the ideot^s loss*. 
 
 * With all deference to the ideas of our bard, I must 
 nevertheless alter a word in one of the lines given by him 
 to King Richard, 
 
 Great fools have greater sins, &c. 
 For certainly, the more inordinate the ambition, the 
 greater the fool who aspires to its attainment; when even 
 throwing in the back ground all those break neck casual- 
 ties, of which history adduces so many instances, the very 
 summit of this species of fools' glory, will not enable him 
 to stifle the yearnings of conscience, to ward off old age, 
 to shut out pain, and escape from the jaws of death ; if 
 such be the case, I will not only say cui bono f but equally 
 answer to the cui malo ? of any fool that shall propose the 
 question — by stating, that the rapacious mind can enjoy 
 
 4 
 
OF AMBITIOUS FOOLS. 177 
 
 i/envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Weigh thy pursuits, nor trust the golden toy, 
 That only lures thy fancy to admire ; 
 
 The drunkard's pastime's visionary joy, 
 The ignis fatuus but a specious fire. 
 
 no ease, and what is life without a quiet spirit? Like a 
 Sisyphus, the ambitious ideot rolls up the hill the ponder- 
 ous stone, which sooner or later must recoil, and crush 
 him ; say then what becomes of all his glory ? well may 
 he at last exclaim, 
 
 — Farewell ; 
 
 I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness ; 
 
 And from that full meridian of my glory, 
 
 I haste now to my setting. I shall fall 
 
 Like a bright exhalation in the evening, 
 
 And no man see me more. 
 
 A famous who might truly be denominated 
 
 the modern Semiramis of the north, was a striking instance 
 of ambitious folly, who did not scruple to connive at the 
 murder of her own husband, as soon as she had grasped 
 the reins of power : neither can I forget to instance the 
 famous Cromwell, in England, who, after the publication 
 of Colonel Titus's work entitled Killing no Murder, was in 
 such a constant state of apprehension as to drive his own 
 i coach in disguise, fearful of assassination ; while at the 
 same time, he nightly changed his bedchamber, to evade 
 the blow of the assassin. 
 
 K 
 
( 178 ) 
 
 SECTION XLII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO BOAST THEIR ANCESTRY 
 AND PEDIGREE. 
 
 Et genus et proavos, et quae non fecimus ipsi 
 Vix ea nostra voco. 
 
 From what great stock dost thou boast blood, 
 From Babel's workmen Yore the flood ; 
 
 Or else from Asiatic ? 
 Or, dost thou spring from that hot shore, 
 Which rears the savage black~a-moor, 
 
 Who boasts the dye of old nick ? 
 
 Or, art thou sprung from Roman* race ? 
 Or, canst thou to the Grecian trace 
 The kindred of thy daddy ? 
 
 * It is said, that there may be found an English no- 
 ble, whose pedigree goeth back even unto the era of the 
 
OF FOOLS THAT LOVE PEDIGREES. 179 
 
 Or, art thou from the famous seed 
 Of those wha scratch beyond the Tweed ; 
 Or else Hibernian Paddy ? 
 
 Or, does the harper e'er rehearse 
 Thine ancestry, in Cambrian verse, 
 
 And boast thee sprung from madam ; 
 Whose noble ancestry would scorn 
 The thought of any man not bora 
 
 Before the days of Adam # i 
 
 Roman emperors ; which may certainly be the case ; as 
 we find some of their extraordinary propensities handed 
 down to the present period in his own person. 
 
 * The Welshmen are proverbial for priding themselves 
 on the antiquity of their origin ; to whom these lines of 
 Shakspeare may well be applied : 
 
 I was born so high, 
 
 Our airy buildeth in the cedar's top ; 
 And dallies with the wind, and scorns the sun. 
 This love of pedigree reminds me of the story of a 
 fool, who, having suddenly acquired wealth, was very 
 desirous of armorial bearings; and, for that purpose, 
 made application to an herald, in order to know whether 
 he had any right to a coat of arms ; but the research was 
 vain, until the dealer in pedigrees inquired whether or 
 no some of his ancestors had not rendered themselves 
 n2 
 
180 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Unrolling thy long pedigree 
 Of honours, fourscore yards I see, 
 Emblazoned bold as Tartars* ; 
 
 conspicuous by any notable feat: to which the fool, after 
 some consideration, replied, that his father certainly had 
 made himself famous by escaping from the prison of 
 Ludgate, where he had been some time confined for petty 
 larceny, and that his liberty was so effected, by his pa- 
 rent's having affixed a cord round the neck of the statue 
 of King Lud, which was placed over the gateway, and 
 by which means he let himself down. — - u ? Tis well ," ex- 
 claimed the herald, " I can now draw you out a pe- 
 digree of ten yards long, since it is plain that your father 
 was a descendant from King Lud." 
 
 * The gentlemen of the College of Arms have a very 
 happy nack at emblazoning, and can as easily produce 
 yards as inches of pedigree, which tallies perfectly well 
 "with Butler's lines : 
 
 Nor does it follow, 'cause a herauld 
 
 Can make a gentleman, scarce a year old, 
 
 To be descended of a race 
 
 Of ancient kings in a small space ; 
 
 That we should all opinion hold 
 
 Authentic, that we can make old. 
 Apropos, as we are touching on the subject of heralds, 
 it will not be amiss to say a few words respecting their 
 accoutrements on high days and holidays; which very 
 
OF FOOtS THAT LOVE PEDIGREES. 181 
 
 With eagles truss'd ; chevaux de frize ; 
 Your rampant lions ; fleur de lis ; 
 And bars *, wound round like garters. 
 
 much resemble the leathern surtouts of brewers' men, or 
 the gilt cock and breeches of Bartholomew fair : nay, I 
 have sometimes thought that they were not altogether 
 unlike moving packing cases : at all events, the wearers 
 of tabards are usually as empty headed. But, referring 
 once more to their costume, we should not pass over un- 
 heeded the words of Shakspeare, who makes his Falstaff 
 thus ludicrously describe them: " There is but a shirt and 
 a half in all my company ; and the half shirt is two nap- 
 kins tacked together, and thrown over the shoulders, like 
 a herald's coat without sleeves, &c." 
 
 * The annotator was for some time incapable of di- 
 vining the meaning of the poet's allusion, till the pannel 
 of a ducal carriage, one day, unravelled the mystery in 
 the following manner. " Being lately at the west end of 
 the town, a very dashing chariot came tearing along 
 the street, and just drew up to the portal of a noble 
 mansion, as the writer was passing it with a friend. The 
 shower of mud, which came like hail from the rapid whirl 
 of the wheels, caused us to halt ; and one of the foot- 
 men vaulting from behind, with his long cane, which may 
 be well termed the London lacquey's augural staff, opened 
 the carriage door, when the noble owner stepped forth, re- 
 I gardless of the dirty pickle in which he had bedizened us 
 
186 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Yet, hold, surmounting all the rest, 
 Appears a wondrous, common crest, 
 
 To all thy kindred striking: 
 For they alike thy symbols bear, 
 Bells, ladle, and the fool's cap wear, 
 
 Insignias of their liking. 
 
 i/envoy of the poet. 
 
 Consummate ass, how canst thou raise thy fame 
 On thoughts of pedigree and boasted birth ? 
 
 The noblest title is an honest name; 
 
 For, after all, our common parent's earth. 
 
 plebeian pedestrians. u That is the Duke of'- — , ' ? 
 
 exclaimed my friend. " Impossible/'' answered I, glanc- 
 ing at the arms emblazoned on the pannel of the vehicle, 
 "where I could perceive no bar qf bastardy. " Pshaw," 
 replied my friend, " your heralds, now-a-days, have a me- 
 thod of disposing of them, so as to draw a veil over that 
 family obloquy." Upoli this he requested me to examine 
 the arms more minutely, which I accordingly did ; when 
 lo ! the cloven foot appeared, but so artfully wound 
 round the shield in form of a garter, as to take away all 
 appearance of the fatal bar, that insignia of illegitimacy. 
 Thajaks to the contrivance of the Collegians of Arms. 
 
OF FOOLS THAT LOVE PEDIGREES. 183 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS, 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 1«4 ) 
 
 SECTION XLIII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PURSUE UNPROFITABLE 
 STUDY, 
 
 Learning, that cobweb of the brain, 
 
 Profane, erroneous, and vain ; 
 
 A fort of error to ensconce 
 
 Absurdity and ignorance; 
 
 By making plain things in debate? 
 
 By art, perplext and intricate: 
 
 For nothing goes for sense or light, 
 
 That will not with old rules jump right. 
 
 As if rules were not, in the schools, 
 
 DerivM from truth, but truth from rules. 
 
 What learned doctors of the schools 
 Set down for academic rules, 
 Serve to give common sense the phthisics : 
 Witness disputes on metaphysics*. 
 
 * Aristotle, the famous father of this branch of phi- 
 losophy, or, as others call it, pneumatology, seems to 
 have intended by his metaphysics, a species of natural 
 
OJF STUDIOUS FOOLS. 185 
 
 A learned wight, who folios wrote us, 
 
 A fam'd disputant, nam'd Duns Scotus*, 
 
 theology : yet, as in all cases of an abstruse nature, the 
 several votaries of this science, have, in some measure, 
 varied in their ideas on the subject, for instance, Locke, in 
 England, and Malebranche, in France, racked their brains 
 on this theme, and although much more perspicuous 
 than the ancients, are frequently so intricate in their 
 reasonings, as to send common sense a wool gathering ; 
 so that, speaking of these philosophers, we may well ex- 
 claim with the Roman, they are but " deliramenta 
 doctrinae :" or, to quote a sentence used by Mr. Locke, 
 when he considers the association of ideas, " I conceive 
 that such deep men of the schools only give sense to jar- 
 gon, demonstration to absurdities, and consistency to 
 nonsense ; and have proved the foundation of the great- 
 est, I had almost said, of all the errors in the world." 
 
 * This very acute metaphysician and logician, sur- 
 named Doctor Subtilis, most assuredly may claim the 
 wreath of most consummate folly : for, what with spe- 
 culative ideas, such as the poet has instanced in the 
 third and fourth lines of the above stanza, which allude 
 to corpuscular philosophy, together with the jargon of the 
 schools, he may well be said arenearum telas texere, while 
 he intended to display the art of reasoning justly. Yet, 
 soft, why do I dare presume to rail against this renowned 
 character, whose oratory outvied the powers of the famed 
 Orpheus, by giving animation even to siojie, without in- 
 
186 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 strnmental assistance : for we are very gravely informed, 
 that, while Duns Scotus was haranguing the learned doc- 
 tors of the day, on the subject of the immaculate concep- 
 tion of the Virgin Mary, he pointed to the stone effigy of 
 the mother of our Saviour, placed in the church of Notre 
 Dame, at Paris, upon which, in token of assent to the posi- 
 tion of the speaker, the image very reverently bent its body, 
 and is stated to have ever after continued in that curbed 
 attitude. Another voluminous writer of later date, know* 
 by the name of Dr. Manton, produced in this country a 
 thick folio volume of commentaries on the 119th psalm; to 
 the reading of which the famous Lord Bolingbroke at- 
 tributes all his scepticism on religious subjects : and, in- 
 deed, the production of the above doctor forcibly brings 
 to mind these lines of Butler : 
 
 Still so perverse and opposite, 
 
 As if they worshipped God for spite. 
 
 The self same thing they will abhor 
 
 One way, and long another for : 
 
 Quarrel with mine } d pies, and disparage 
 
 Their best and dearest friend plumb porridge ; 
 
 Fat pig and goose itself oppose, 
 
 And blaspheme custard through the nose. 
 
 Th' apostles of this fierce religion, 
 
 Like Mahomet's were Ass and Widgeon ; 
 
 As if hypocrisie and nonsense 
 
 Had got th' advowson of his conscience. 
 
 Dean Swift, in speaking of the folly of fast days, has 
 been equally sarcastic in these lines : 
 
OF STUDIOUS FOOLS. 187 
 
 Hath prov'd, on needle's point, t'amaze, sir. 
 That countless atoms dance* the hays, sir, 
 
 And, while we speak of him a-pro-pos, 
 Pedants there are dubb'd philosophosf: 
 
 Who can believe, with common sense, 
 A bacon slice gives God offence : 
 Or, that a herring hath a charm, 
 Almighty vengeance to disarm. 
 
 * In Erasmus's Praise of Folly, the reader may find 
 the most severe sarcasms on these subtle fools, whom the 
 author exposes to the lash of the most pointed ridicule ; 
 nor will Voltaire be found less acute in his remarks; who, 
 upon all occasions, took delight in exposing the fallacy 
 of such conceited pedants, whose sole aim seems to have 
 consisted in bewildering their own and other people's un- 
 derstandings. The doctors of the Sorbonne, at Paris, 
 who were esteemed the most acute theologians, are very 
 justly ridiculed by Voltaire, in the following lines: 
 On fait venir des docteurs de Sorbonne, 
 Des perroquets, un singe, un harlequin, &c. 
 
 t The most fallacious opinions have been cherished 
 by numerous individuals of late, whose tenets not only 
 proved destructive of religion and morality in France, 
 but have equally been disseminated on this side of the 
 Channel, to the detriment of a great portion of society : 
 and certainly the observation of Seneca may be justly 
 
188 The ship of fools. 
 
 Who swear that pain's naught but conceit; 
 And burning coals contain no heat *. 
 
 They laugh to scorn what's superstitious : 
 And as for acts which I call vicious, 
 They deem not so; for they wou'd free 
 The sinner with — "What is, must be f." 
 
 applied to all these scourges of reason and common sense, 
 who says, " Distrahit animum libroi^um multitudo? By 
 the bye, I had nearly forgotten my foolish friend Goro- 
 pius Becanus, who took an infinity of pains to prove that 
 High Dutch was the language which Adam and Eve spoke 
 in Paradise. 
 
 * In allusion to the Stoics, who were the followers 
 of Zeno, and maintained that pain is no real evil; that 
 a wise man is happy, even in the midst of torture, *&c. 
 ideas, that bring to mind the words of Seneca, who says, 
 "The more subtle things are rendered, the nearer they 
 approximate to nothing/' And certainly, all such defini- 
 tion of things by acts bears the closer affinity to non- 
 sense. Aristophanes, in his Comedy of the Clouds, very 
 characteristically introduces Socrates and Charephon, as 
 taking an admeasurement of the leap of a flea from the 
 beard of the one to that of the other. 
 
 t This is assuredly a healing plaister, and might do 
 very well, if, unfortunately, conscience had not, some 
 how or other, teen made a tenant of the human breast, 
 
OF STUDIOUS FOOLS. 18j) 
 
 They write, they read, their study's intense, 
 And read and write whole quires of nonsense*: 
 For 'tis the burden of my song, 
 That right is right, and wrong is wrong. 
 
 We hear of matter, and of motion, 
 While chance^ is now the reigning notion. 
 Such tenets fools may lead astray : 
 Yet there's one God — Him I'll obey. 
 
 whose cries will be heard, notwithstanding the jargon of 
 such philosophers, I would say, fools ! Meglio vale esser 
 dotto che dottore. 
 
 * If the annotator was to enter upon this topic, a 
 simple note would be swelled into a thick volume : so 
 numerous has been this race of defilers of paper. It is, 
 however, sufficient to say, that their ponderous folios 
 may be found at the cheesemongers' : " Yea, even unto 
 the present day/ 7 
 
 f Whether the Supreme Author of all things be deno- 
 minated God, or Nature, or Chance, is, to my mind, a 
 matter of little consequence, so that his existence be 
 but granted in its full extent; for a mere word cannot 
 alter the attributes of divinity. Such, however, is not 
 exactly the case : for there are men who talk of chance, 
 under a different impression, though they are incapable 
 of comprehending it ; which, after all, brings the matter 
 to one point; and the dispute at last is merely whether 
 we should say shoes of leather, or leathern shoes* 
 
190 THE SHIP OF FOOLS* 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 This fool, in blinding reason takes delight; 
 
 For thro' an endless wilderness he rambles,; 
 As if 'twould render doubly clear his sight, 
 
 To scratch his eyes out, rushing midst the 
 brambles. 
 
 THE POETS CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 191 ) 
 
 SECTION XLIV. 
 
 OF FOOLISH POETS AMD AUTHORS. 
 
 • Tenet insanabile multos 
 
 Scribendi cacoethes, segroque in corde senescit. 
 
 To sense refin'd vile poetasters 
 Act like adhesive drawing plaisters : 
 For who can rhymes read with prose diction, 
 And not feel mental crucifixion? 
 Or theme heroic, penn'd in bad blank verse : 
 Than which, on earth, no torture can be worse. 
 And, spite of this, to hear the wretched poet 
 Prate of Parnassus like the Nine who know it. 
 Or boast of draughts from clear Pierian springs ; 
 Or mounting Pegasus, fam'd horse with wings; 
 Excusing every fault of his poor wit, sir, 
 Crying — Poeta nascitur, nonjit, sir # . 
 
 * Of this unfertunate race of fools there have, alas! 
 been too many; and, to the sorrow of Apollo and the 
 
192 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or, what can prove a blister more severe, 
 Than quondam author's impudence to hear; 
 Whose vile productions are but idle vapour, 
 Destructive of such countless reams of paper; 
 Fit for that office*, long ordain'd by fate, 
 Which I, from decency, refrain to state : 
 
 Muses, there is still an abundance, both as rhymesters 
 and blank verse composers : not to lay any stress on the 
 score of obscenity, which has been published by these 
 gentlemen, to the? detriment of morality, there are, 
 literally productions of this nature, which neither dis- 
 play one spark of the fire of imagination, nor even a 
 trace of the composition, so requisite in all poetic effu- 
 sions. To every rhymester of this class, I advise the se- 
 lection of themes, similar to those which follow, for the 
 trial of his skill in versification. 
 
 He would an elegy compose, 
 
 On maggots, squeez'd out of his nose ; 
 
 In lyric numbers write an ode on 
 
 His mistress eating a black pudden ; 
 
 And, when imprison'd air escaped her, 
 
 It puft him with poetic rapture. 
 To all such dabblers in the puddles of Parnassus, I 
 will content myself, with saying, in the words of Boileau, 
 Pauvre gens, je les plains, car on a pour les foux, 
 Plus de pitie que de corroux. 
 * Supposed, in allusion to the offerings presented, 
 
OF FOOLISH POETS. 193 
 
 For vendors* now of books do not aspire 
 To publish sense, but nonsense, by the quire. 
 
 of necessity, at the altars of the renowned goddess, 
 Cloacina. 
 
 * Having annotated the theme of our bard, as far as 
 relates to the mushroom tribe of poets and authors, who 
 have of late years sprung up, it would be highly culpable 
 in me not to say something on the score of publishers ; 
 as I shall, by this means, put the other two classes of 
 fools into better humour with me than they enjoy in the 
 present instance. 
 
 It is necessary, in the first place, to remark, that 
 printers and publishers were, formerly, one and the same 
 thing; while it must be added that their scientific know- 
 ledge was extensive, and not circumscribed, as at the 
 present period, to the title and dimensions of a work. 
 No bookseller thinks of purchasing a production, now-a- 
 days, without sending the MS. to be perused by some 
 supposed learned critic in the back ground, who is payed 
 for his trouble, and whose fiat is irrevocable with the 
 dealer; possessing an head, in most instances as thick and 
 ponderous as the binder's hammer, which, at some future 
 period, belabours the publication, previous to its adoni- 
 zation in morocco, russia, or calf. There is, however, 
 no rule without an exception, as may be instanced in a 
 famous vendor of modern made books, whom I shall de- 
 nominate the great Macenas of literary lumber. This 
 o 
 
194 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 For, as to wisdom pure, they long have lost her; 
 For she ran raving mad in Paternoster : 
 
 gentleman arrogates to himself exclusively the title of au- 
 thor and book-maker general ; as no work, he affirms, 
 issues from his warehouse, which had not only received 
 his mere sanction, but was positively planned by him- 
 self ; so that, upon all occasions, he converts his writers 
 into labourers, who are to commit his sublime conceptions 
 to paper. 
 
 Nervis alienis mobili lignum. 
 Therefore it is no longer the author who supports the 
 bookseller, but the bookseller the author, according to 
 his maxim. But to have done with this Maecenas, let us 
 but glance our eyes from Tower Hill to Hyde Park Cor- 
 ner, and where shall we find a publisher possessed of one 
 genuine spark, connected with the love of Les Belles 
 Lettres $ no where is this phcenix to be found. Genius 
 may go hang or drown itself, while the execrable 
 trash of men of fortune and rank is caught at with avi- 
 dity; and, being bedecked with margin and plates, struts 
 into the world to be bought by fools, whose judgment is 
 circumscribed to the love of gewgaw, and whose reading 
 extends no further than the gold tinsel which bedecks 
 the bindings of their trumpery purchase. As such, O ! 
 poets and authors are the publishers of the present era, 
 no wonder that your ideot reveries are committed to the 
 press, since being yoke fellows all, it would be strange. 
 
OF FOOLISH POETS. 195 
 
 And, far from human eyes, mopes melancholy, 
 To see the ideot world's consummate folly ; 
 Which, in her stead, chose men who place 
 
 reliance 
 On wire-wove paper, margin, plates — not 
 
 science*. 
 
 indeed, to find the fool capable of discriminating and 
 despising his brother's folly. 
 
 * Not to lay any stress on the voluminous productions 
 of that class of metaphysical and philosophical fools, 
 mentioned by the poet in the foregoing section, there are, 
 indeed, a sufficient quantity of a different species to war- 
 rant these lines ; and of that number we may particu- 
 larly instance the works of plagiarists, which are inces- 
 santly issuing from the press, and managed with so little 
 skill and such barefaced effrontery, as absolutely to 
 create astonishment. This neglect, however, on their 
 parts, may be construed, in some respects, as a proof 
 of their knowledge of society, os it is, which contents it- 
 self with the froth, the saperface, or fly-away literature, 
 leaving the sterling to the few who have minds suffici- 
 ently enlightened to profit by the instructions they contain. 
 Of plagiarists we may say with Jovius: Castrant alios, 
 ut libros suos, per se graciles, alieno adipe suffarciant. 
 With respect to novels and romances, they are of longer 
 standing than may at first be imagined : not to mention 
 ancient metrical romances, the Arcadia of Sir Philip 
 o2 
 
*96 THE SHIP OF TOOLS. 
 
 i/envoy OF THE POET. 
 Ere thou aspir'st to rhyme, and stand high 
 
 stilt on, 
 Consult a Dryden, Pope, Shakspeare, and 
 
 Milton ; 
 And, if from thence, thou feel'st assur'd, endite. 
 So, after study and unceasing toil, 
 Vying with Locke, Swift, Newton, Burton, Boyle, 
 Then, authors, pr'ythee, wield your pens, and 
 
 write. 
 
 Sidney, written in the reign of Elizabeth, &c, and which is 
 justly lashed by my Lord Orford, who calls it a dull pe- 
 dantic production, which a love-sick maid could not 
 wade through > we have other instances which are of 
 Trench extraction; such as Cassandra, The Grand Cyrus 
 of Madam Scudery, &c. which were translated into 
 English by Sir Clement Cotterel, Loveday, &c. and 
 which, doubtless, led the way to the after productions 
 of a similar stamp, and which are now not daily, but 
 hourly produced, to the disgrace of modern times. These 
 reams of Leaden Hall lumber, though issuing under the 
 auspices of a Minerva, are not, however, to be solely 
 condemned on the score of nonsense, but are deserving 
 the severest lash of criticism, on account of the frequent 
 destructive tendency they have to the morality of the 
 rising generation, which reads this species of production 
 with such marked avidity. 
 
OF FOOLISH POETS. 197 
 
 So shall the poet wreaths unfading wear, 
 And praise immortal crown the author's care. 
 
 THE POET S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis,. 
 Crowds flock to man mv Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 198 ) 
 
 SECTION XLV. 
 
 OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. 
 
 - 0, but man ! proud man ! 
 
 Drest in a little brief authority, 
 
 Most ignorant of what he's most assur d, 
 
 His glassy essence; like an angry ape, 
 
 Plays such fantastic tricks before high Heav'n, 
 
 As make the angels weep. 
 
 Come, senseless men, and view your god, 
 Who rears on earth the ideot's rod, 
 
 And, prostrate 'fore his stool, 
 Your hands and hearts at once upraise, 
 To sing your mighty sovereign's praise, 
 
 The great imperial fool 
 
 * Who can peruse the annals of the Roman emperors, 
 without allowing the truth of this remark ; as, with very 
 few exceptions, their reigns were characterized with 
 murder, prodigality, incest, extravagance, voluptuous- 
 ness, bestiality, and, in short, every folly and vice that 
 is abhorrent to human nature. As to the emperor who 
 
 4 
 
OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. 199 
 
 His glittering crown, his purple robe, 
 His massive sceptre, golden globe, 
 
 And armed legions see; 
 While, bending at his nod, appear 
 The trembling sons of palsied fear, 
 
 That crouch 'fore sov'reignty. 
 
 Here view the despot, void of friend ; 
 For here's ambition without end, 
 
 And rapine, blood, and fire ; 
 Here's jealousy and direful hate ; 
 Here's too the wish insatiate, 
 
 That would at heav'n aspire*. 
 
 made a consul of his horse, he can scarcely be denomi- 
 nated a fool ; as that noble animal is, most assuredly, 
 deserving any dignity, when placed in the company of a 
 set of asses. 
 
 * Many instances might be displayed of this inordinate 
 folly in imperial ideots : but one, which particularly 
 stands on record, and, at the present moment, occurs to 
 my recollection, is adduceable in the person of Alexander 
 the Great, who thought fit to bastardize himself, by as- 
 suming a certain degree of heathenish godhead, in pre- 
 tending to derive his being from the great Jupiter Am- 
 nion. 
 
200 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Here's public smiles — thoughts that appall, 
 External state — internal gall, 
 
 With grave-consigning breath : 
 Yet, while condemning to the rack, 
 He views not, fool, behind his back, 
 
 The grinning spectre, death # : 
 
 * Nothing can possibly display more forcibly the folly 
 of imperial or kingly vanity, than the energetic lines of 
 Shakspeare, in his tragedy of King Richard the lid. 
 which run thus : 
 
 I pr'ythee, friends, let's sit upon the ground, 
 
 And tell sad stories of the death of kings ; 
 
 How some have been depos'd, some slain in war, 
 
 Some haunted by the ghosts they dispossessed, 
 
 Some poisoned by their wives, some sleeping, kill'd ; 
 
 All murdered. For within the hollow crown, 
 
 That rounds the mortal temples of a king, 
 
 Keeps death his court ; and there the antic sits, 
 
 Scoffing his state, and grinning at his pomp; 
 
 Allowing him a little scene, 
 
 To monarchise, be fear'd, and kill with looks, 
 
 Infusing him with self and vain conceit; 
 
 As if this flesh, that walls about our life, 
 
 Was brass impregnable ; and, humour'd tbus, 
 
 Comes at the last; and, with a little pin, 
 
 Bores thro' his castle walls, and farewell, king ! 
 
OF IMPERIAL FOOLS. £01 
 
 Whose bolt, when least expected, flies, 
 And then the fool imperial dies; 
 , Of fate the common slave. 
 So, farewell grandeur ; for, 'tis found, 
 Thou only need'st sufficient ground, 
 To delve for thee a grave*. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 If lowly men could view turmoils of state, 
 They ne'er would thirst for sov'reignty and 
 power. 
 
 The greatest earthly curse is to be great ; 
 For, like the fire, it doth itself devour. 
 
 * The renowned William the Conqueror affords an 
 instance, even more striking than the fact above stated ; 
 since it is recorded, that after his demise, his corpse con- 
 tinued some days above ground, on account of the diffi- 
 culty there was, even to procure a spot of earth in order 
 to bury him, owing to the animosity that individual en- 
 tertained towards him while living, on whose domain he 
 expired. The great Charles the Fifth, the emperor, after 
 all his conquests and glory, terminated his career by 
 entering a monastery; and thus relinquishing that, for 
 which he had toiled with so much assiduity. Then, fare- 
 well to regal folly ! for 
 
20£ THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 THE POET S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Imperial Caesar, dead, and turned to clay, 
 Might stop a hole, to keep the wind away. 
 Oh ! that that earth, which kept the world in awe, 
 Should patch a wall, t'expel the winter's flaw. 
 
( 203 ) 
 SECTION XLVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO THINK NONE SO WISE AS 
 THEMSELVES. 
 
 AXhuvy ixrgvt; avro<; eXxscn @%uv. 
 
 Stultus, nisi quod ipse facit nil rectum putat. 
 
 Here's one who boasts conceit refin'd, 
 As if all sense, 
 By Providence, 
 • To his wise pate had been consigned ; 
 And plac'd in him such sterling reason, 
 That to dispute it were rank treason. 
 
 In argument he'll knock you down, „ 
 
 With yes or no # , 
 
 It must be so, 
 And if presumptive you dare frown ; 
 
 * This species of egotism is as frequent in society as 
 any other epidemic folly with which it is assailed, and 
 well merits the following quotation from Terence : 
 Homine imperito nunquam quidquid injustius 
 Qui, nisi quod ipse facit, nihil rectum putat. 
 
204 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Take special care, he'll butt with horns of Bos P 
 For doubting one as famous as Delphos # . 
 
 Mark ye his countenance and air; 
 
 Which well might pass, 
 
 For living brass, 
 While, bold and arrogant, his stare, 
 
 *The poet, in the above line, alludes to the celebrated 
 Delphian Oracle of Apollo, which was supposed by the 
 ancients, never to fail, and was delivered by a virgin 
 named Fythia or Phcebus. Whether the Bos in the forego- 
 ing line, alludes to the brazen bull presented by the tyrant 
 of Agidgentum to this famed temple, we are at a loss to 
 conjecture; from the emptiness, however, of the skull of 
 that brazen animal, and from the brassy impudence of 
 his countenance, it is shrewdly surmised, that the poet- 
 aster might have intended it in allusion to the properties 
 of that species of fools who were then under his consider- 
 ation. 
 
 * The vanity of Nero the emperor, is recorded by 
 many historians; who needs must pique himself on being 
 the best actor and musician in Rome; and in order that he 
 might have no competitor, he caused the finest performer of 
 that time (who had acquired great fame) to be murdered; 
 and with respect to his musical talents, the burning of the 
 then capital of the universe, was deemed but a fit ac- 
 companiment to one of his solos on the fiddle. 
 
OF SELF-CONCEITED FOOLS. 205 
 
 Bespeaks to all that he's the cherish'd elf, 
 Of no one creature living — but himself. 
 
 As the fierce tenant of some den, 
 With one accord, 
 By all abhorr'd, 
 This fool's turn'd forth from haunts of men; 
 For those who would be all in others' sight, 
 Are subject to the world's contempt and spite # . 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 If thou feel'st conscious of thy skill, be wise, 
 
 Nor publish it, thy vanity to sate ; 
 For he who builds on others' fall his rise, 
 
 Brings on himself the universal hate. 
 
 * Notwithstanding the gratification which these con- 
 ceited fools may derive from their overbearing imperti- 
 nence, it is, nevertheless, impossible, but that they must 
 frequently experience the keenness of rebuke, and suffer a 
 degree of mental pain on witnessing the marked hatred of 
 such as are tortured in their society; during such mo- 
 ments, therefore, I would recommend to their consider- 
 ation, these lines of our bard, so truly applicable to 
 their situation : 
 
 Why, all delights are vain ; but that most vain, 
 Which, with pain purchas'd, doth inherit pain. 
 
206 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 207 ) 
 
 SECTION XLVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DAILY PROLONG THEIR OWN 
 AMENDMENT. 
 
 To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow, 
 Creeps in this petty pace from day to day, 
 To the last syllable of recorded time ; 
 And all our yesterdays have lighted fools 
 The way to dusty death. 
 
 I feel conviction of my sin, 
 And will anew my course begin *, 
 Full oft the voice of folly cries out ; 
 But when the fool next morning hies out, 
 
 * The advice of Hamlet to his mother, when he urges 
 her to refrain from any further converse with his uncle, is 
 admirably calculated to impress the mind with the neces- 
 sity there is for beginning at once a reformation; and that 
 when the first step is taken, every subsequent one be- 
 comes less arduous. Nor are the words of the Prodigal 
 Son, in the inimitable parable of our Saviour, less requi- 
 site to these fools, when he says, " I will arise and go un- 
 to my Father, and will say unto him — Father, I have sin- 
 ned against Heaven, and against thee, and am no more 
 worthy to be called thy Son." 
 
208 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 The sage resolve's forgot, 'mid senseless crowds, 
 Nor heeded more than last year's passing 
 clouds # . 
 
 O ! now I'll live to read and think, 
 Nor longer game, and wench and drink ; 
 A painted harlot's Satan's daughter, 
 And wine inflames, so I'll take water ; 
 Forego all gaming — yet, produce the dice, 
 The wine and wench— all's then forgot, but vice. 
 
 No more my dress shall cause the stare, 
 My brain shall henceforth be my care ; 
 No more with whip I'll bloods beat hollow, 
 My race I'll now run 'gainst Apollo. 
 
 But dress and Bond Street, Tandem f, brazen 
 wh-r-s, 
 
 Bear sway, and kick the Muses out of doors. 
 
 • This reminds me of the story of Balaam, who would 
 not believe, though his ass spoke ! and indeed, to the 
 multitude of fools who yield to this propensity, we may 
 say with Horace, 
 
 ■ Vivendi recte qui prorogat horam, 
 
 Rusticus expectat dum defluat amnis. 
 
 f A vehicle which neither comes under the head of 
 
OF PROCRASTINATING FOOLS. 209 
 
 Cries age 'tis certain, by the bye, 
 
 That all men at some time must die ; 
 
 How simple not to have reflected ! 
 
 No more this point shall be neglected *j 
 To-morrow I'll turn o'er a better leaf, 
 The morrow comes, and pleasure proves the 
 thieff. 
 
 curricle or buggy, being drawn by two horses at lengthy 
 and not abreast, in order to display the dexterity of gen- 
 tlemen coachmen. This appellation, which originated at 
 one of the Universities, is perfectly consonant with the 
 wit of the present race of what are termed students, whe- 
 ther with trencher caps, or fellow commoners' 1 gowns. 
 
 * In the prayers of the famous Dr. Johnson is re- 
 corded, a curious instance of this foolery; for even that 
 learned man, therein confesses, that he nightly retired to 
 rest, with the determination of amending his course of life, 
 and rising early in the morning, but, when the morrow 
 came, he as invariably yielded to his old propensities, 
 and continued in bed cill mid-day. It would have been 
 well for our Lexicographer, had he called to mind the 
 following Italian proverb, which so well expresses the 
 fruits derived from labour. 
 
 Travaglio vinea la palma, e monda la rugine dell* alma. 
 
 f The folly considered by the poet in this section, 
 
 which may be well termed obduracy in sinning, is far 
 
 more excusable in youth than in old age, for when 
 
 P 
 
210 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 Thus ev'ry fool to pleasure yields controul, 
 
 And makes himself the veriest abject slave ; 
 For though assur'd such acts disease his soul, 
 
 He yet delays the cure, till in the grave. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 we view deadened passions, and the grey hairs of ex- 
 perience, still obedient to foolery, and lost to consci- 
 ence and approaching death, there is certainly no excuse 
 to palliate the dereliction from reason, which frequently 
 involves the fool in dangers from which, not even the 
 grave itself can relieve him, having tainted the soul as 
 well as the body with vice. 
 
 Assidua occupatione impedisce la tentatione. 
 
( 211 ) 
 
 SECTION XLVIII. 
 
 OF NOBLE FOOLS, 
 
 Came there a certain Lord, neat, trimly dress'd ; 
 
 Fresh as a bridegroom ; and his chin, new reapM, 
 
 Showed like a stubble land at harvest home : 
 
 He was perfumed like a milliner; 
 
 And, 'twixt his finger and his thumb, he held 
 
 A pouncet box, which ever and anon 
 
 He gave his nose 
 
 My Lord and Lord Duke, 
 
 I needs must rebuke, 
 In defiance of star and of garter ; 
 
 For ye, like the rest, 
 
 It must be confess'd, 
 For the fool's cap your common sense barter* 
 
 From ye, my grave peers, 
 With Midas's ears, 
 p 2 
 
£12 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 I have long heard each boastful profession ; 
 
 But were I to probe, 
 
 I fear that your robe, 
 Is the last gem # ye have in possession. 
 
 Neglectful of fame, 
 
 And that boasted name, 
 Which your ancestors proud were to bear O; 
 
 Ye think less of state, 
 
 Than setting up late, 
 ,And your fortunes all losing at f Faro. 
 
 * This is certainly a pretty pointed stroke at our pre- 
 sent race of nobles, who merit the sarcasm, T am sorry to 
 add, but too justly; as therefore it would be impossible to 
 cleanse the existing Augea?i stable, we offer the following 
 lines to the youthful fry, who will at some future period, 
 inherit the titles and estates of their fathers ; Heaven grant 
 that their follies may not equally bear them company ! 
 
 Peace, master Marquis — you are malapert ; 
 Your fire new stamp of honour is scarce current. 
 O ! that your young Nobility could judge, 
 What 'twere to lose it, and to be miserable ! 
 They that stand high have many blasts to shake them ; 
 And, if they fall, they dash themselves to pieces. 
 
 t The destructive vice of gambling is most particularly 
 cultivated by our fools of rank and title, not only males. 
 
OF NOBLE FOOLS. £15 
 
 Ye now can't afford 
 
 For tenants a board # , 
 And to give to the poor food and raiment; 
 
 To raise a large sum, 
 
 For bill — comes a bumf, 
 Who levies on goods for its payment. 
 
 but females ; and in too many instances, I fear, has the 
 dame, after losing every shilling of cash, staked her repu- 
 tation on the cast of the die, and thereby entailed the 
 title of her lord upon a bastard progeny. 
 
 A donna cattiva poco giova la guardia. 
 
 * This is alas, too true, for although the feudal sys- 
 tem had its vices, it was not destitute of hospitality ; for 
 then the hall of every chieftain's castle rung with the 
 strains of joy, while the thick oaken board groaned be- 
 neath the weight of viands and nappy brown ale ; (vid. 
 by way of proof, numerous items in the Northumberland 
 household book, and many MSS. of a similar kind, pre- 
 served in other ancient families;) whereas, in the pre- 
 sent day, those sums, which might alike procure the bless- 
 ings of the multitude, by being so dispensed, are, on the 
 contrary, squandered in the metropolis, on every spe- 
 cies of wanton extravagance, and, too frequently, low and 
 disgraceful debaucheries. 
 
 La nobilta non s'acquista nascendo, ma virtuosamente 
 vivendo. 
 
 t This is a fact which repetition has rendered so noto- 
 rious, that it would be folly to offer any apology for the 
 poet, who well knew, that though the persons of our 
 
S14 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or if less profuse, 
 
 You still have a use, 
 For each guinea your follies to pamper ; 
 
 All sense you degrade, 
 
 With route, masquerade # , 
 And with sensual appetites tamper. 
 
 Since thus ye debase 
 
 The name of your race, 
 'Mid the tribe of great fools I enthrone ye ; 
 
 For if your sires brave, 
 
 Could rise from the grave, 
 They wou'd shrink back with shame, and dis- 
 own ye. 
 
 peers are not tangible, their goods are no ways secured 
 from the clutches of the hungry law. 
 
 * As to dancing Peers and great folks, they are of 
 ancient standing ; witness Sir Christopher Hatton, who 
 was the favoured of Elizabeth, from being quite aufait 
 at turning out his toes. But of later date, who does not 
 know, that Lord Lainsborough, in Queen Anne's reign,was 
 so fond of this amusement, as to advise his sovereign to 
 jig away her grief for the loss of George of Denmark — 
 nay, even the solemn station of a Lord Chancellor has 
 not withheld him from dancing reels, to the no small won- 
 der of his brethren, the sapient periwigged judges. 
 
 
OF NOBLE FOOLS. 215 
 
 L'ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Refinement ne'er is look'd for in the hind, 
 But when the great in birth and title fail ; 
 
 They ne'er can hope respect and love to find ; 
 For lowly fools 'gainst noble fools will rail. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 216) 
 
 SECTION XLIX. 
 
 OF THE DISEASED FOOL, THAT WILL NOT 
 ATTEND TO HIS PHYSICIAN. 
 
 Crudelem medicum intemperans aeger facit. 
 
 "What ails thee fool ?" some friend doth cry, 
 
 u I'm passing sick, and like to die f 
 
 " What's thy disorder ?"— " Bile and rheum," 
 
 '* Thou hast a doctor I presume i" 
 
 " A doctor, yes ; who sends me oceans, 
 
 " But I ne'er take his filthy potions # ." 
 
 * This folly is the more unaccountable, as it is certain 
 to terminate finally in that event which is the most 
 dreaded by every class of fools; so that it may certainl/ 
 be said, the foolery brings with it the reward of its folly ; 
 but, speaking of sickness, who can call to mind these beau- 
 tiful lines of Shakspeare, and not allow their sterling 
 merit. m 
 
 Infirmity doth still neglect all office, 
 Whereto our health is bound : we are not ourselves, 
 When nature, being oppressed, commands the mind, 
 To suffer with the body, ' 
 
OF DISEASED FOOLS. 21? 
 
 The fev'rish fool thus having said, 
 Rising with hectic cough in bed ; 
 Pulls loud the bell — in John doth steal, 
 And to his master takes the meal ; 
 When, lo, to cure this sick man's croaking, 
 A roast duck stufPd appears quite smoking. 
 
 Astonish'd at so strange a sight, 
 
 And wond'ring at his appetite ; 
 
 The friend exclaims, u Why, this is fuel \" 
 
 " To quench thy fever, take some gruel;" 
 
 " Pshaw !" cries the fool, " 'tis vain entreating, 
 
 *' I'll rather die than quit good eating." 
 
 A week transpires, the sick fool's worse, 
 The knocker's ty'd, he's got a nurse ; 
 Another comes, his situation 
 Demands physicians' consultation 
 A third ensues, there ends all scoffing, 
 He's safe screw'd up in sable coffin *. > 
 
 * There is another folly, which, when opposed to that 
 at present under consideration, is no less ridiculous. It 
 consists in placing too much reliance on physical ; aid a 
 very curious instance of which is related by the French 
 historians, in the person of the savage Lewis XI. who, 
 
218 the ship of fools. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet, 
 
 Why, if advice thou wilt not heed, 
 Need'st thou for a physician send ? 
 
 If thou wilt act thyself the deed, 
 The doctor can't prolong thine end. 
 
 while he inflicted tortures on hundreds, was himself even 
 more afflicted; for we are informed, that he was so much 
 the slave of one Jacques Coctier, his physician, that he 
 suffered at his hands the most insolent and threatening 
 language ; conceiving that his life was solely preserved to 
 him by the skill he professed; and Jacques Coctier, on 
 such occasions would increase the horrors of the mo- 
 narch, by exclaiming — " Je scais que vous me donnerez 
 mon conge, comrae vous Pavez donne a d'autres; 
 then, rolling his eyes and swearing, he would add, " mais 
 vous ne vivrez pas huit jours apres. v Upon which, the 
 king would humbly crave mercy^ and submit to any de- 
 gradation. But at this conduct of Coctier to his sovereign 
 we need not be surprised, when we are told by Gaguin, 
 in his Latin history, that the wretch did not scruple 
 to order as remedies for his royal patient, the warm 
 blood of infants to drink, as well as to bathe in. That 
 the reader, however, may learn the consummate folly 
 of this monarch, in its full extent, it is necessary 
 to add, that when he found the powers of medicine 
 fail, Al mal mortale ne medicar, ne medecina vale, 
 
 
OF DISEASED FOOLS. 219 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 he sent for a very pious hermit, called Frangois Marto- 
 tille, whom he received with as much ceremony as if he 
 had been the sovereign Pontiff, and to this pious old man 
 he prostrated himself to earth, supplicating by promises 
 and gifts that he would intercede with Heaven, to grant 
 him a prolongation of existence; but Martotille being too 
 honest to profit by this foolery of the king, exhorted 
 him, on the contrary, rather to think of the world to come, 
 than the present state of existence ; which advice was far 
 from the monarch's wish, who therefore dismissed the 
 hermit, and as a dernier resort, being wrought upon by 
 superstitious timidity, he literally caused various relics of 
 saints to be arranged around his bed (which were not 
 only brought from different parts of his own dominions, 
 but procured at an enormous expense from Rome and 
 Constantinople) by means of which, he conceived, that 
 the approach of death would be barred from him. It is 
 merely necessary to add, that the punition Lewis XI. 
 thus experienced, seemed but a manifestation of the just 
 j vengeance of Omnipotence, for the sanguinary proceed- 
 ings which characterized the reign of that monarch. 
 
( 220 ) 
 
 SECTION L. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT WILLINGLY PUT THEM- 
 SELVES IN THE WAY OF PERIL. 
 
 Idemens ! et sasvas curre per Alpes, 
 
 Ut pueris placeas et declamatio fias. 
 
 Of sportsmen Fve already spoken, 
 Whose limbs and necks so oft are broken ; 
 But now behold the buck quite dashing, 
 Who down fam'd Bond Street must be splashing; 
 On boot high perch'd the palm to win, 
 With four blood horses half broke in. 
 
 For fame as knight o'the whip thus striving, 
 Through ranks close hemm'd of coaches driving ; 
 His furious steeds each moment whipping, 
 And all competitors outstripping; 
 Is all his aim, aud that each stranger, 
 May see him, fool-like, dare all danger *• 
 
 * It is certain that though the rashest actions have at 
 times been crowned with success, they are but few in 
 
 
OF HAZARDOUS FOOLS* 221 
 
 If racing, that the fool may win it, 
 He'd fain go one mile in the minute ; 
 For which he urges, spurs, and whips, 
 in hopes to vie with fam'd Eclipse ; 
 And striving still to gallop faster, 
 Down drops the racer with his master. 
 
 number, when compared with the destructive termination 
 which has in general accompanied this species of folly.— 
 Charles theTwelfth, of Sweden, proved himself a rash fool, 
 in opposing the whole army of the Turks at Bender, 
 when he had but a few followers ; nor was there more 
 real bravery in his conduct than was displayed some 
 years back, by the fool who walked round the iron balu- 
 strade which appears at the summit of the monument** 
 for in both cases, the same fact will hold good, viz. had 
 the Swedish monarch been shot, no one would have 
 pitied his fate, but branded him with the well earned ap- 
 pellation of fool ; and, in like manner, if the ideot who 
 sported himself on the rail of the monument, had been 
 precipitated to the bottom, there would have been but 
 one opinion — That his foolhardiness well merited its pu- 
 nishment. Such being the fact, let all rash men, ere they 
 undertake an action, consider only what will be the deri- 
 sion of mankind, if they fail, and that simple interrogatory 
 will at once instruct them, whether or no their conduct 
 is sanctioned by the dictates of reason, common sense, 
 and prudence, for the latter requisite is as absolutely 
 essential to real courage, as any other. 
 
222 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 A strumpet's character's so tender, 
 That fools there are, who, to defend her, 
 Their lives consult no more than pullets, 
 And willing meet th' offender's bullets ; 
 Thus wisely sufeiting his hobby, 
 By being shot * — for row in lobby. 
 
 * Notwithstanding the modern vocabulary of honour, 
 which tells a /nan to risk his life, because another treads 
 upon the tail of his dog ; I must nevertheless affirm, that 
 such conduct has nothing to do with real courage ; for 
 there are but very few injuries of such a glaring nature 
 as to demand the blood of one fellow creature at the 
 hands of another. Would it argue real courage, let me ask, 
 for a man of adelicate and weakhabit,and quite devoid of 
 skill, to put his strength in opposition to an experienced 
 bruiser? or would it redound to the credit of an individual 
 who had never fired a pistol, to place himself within twelve 
 paces of a man who could hit a crown piece at 30 yards, 
 and who was to have the first shot into the bargain ; if 
 such be the standard bravery, and the touchstone of ho- 
 nour, I must certainly coincide with Falstaff, when he 
 exclaims, 
 
 " What is honour? a word — What is that word ho- 
 nour? Air; a trim reckoning. Who hath it? He that 
 died a Wednesday. Doth he feel it ? No. Doth he hear 
 it ? No. Is it insensible then ? Yea, to the dead. But 
 will it not live with the living ? No." 
 
 4 
 
OF HAZARDOUS FOOLS. 223 
 
 No jot are modern belles less tardy, 
 
 To show themselves alike fool hardy ; 
 
 Who of their health are grown so thriftless, 
 
 As to go next akin to shiftless ; 
 
 " Art/' they exclaim, " is naught to us/' 
 
 In puris naturalibus. 
 
 i/envoy of the poet. 
 
 Short is life's span, and much we have to do, 
 Their final doom none court but iittle wits ; 
 
 For death your fools and madmen only sue, 
 Wise men will live as long as God permits. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 Dr. Paley, in his Political and Moral Philosophy, very 
 justly observes, that honour is nothing more than a law 
 instituted by one certain class of people which is to act as 
 a tie upon another, having no reference whatever, either 
 to religion or morality; and with respect to that species of 
 honour which prompts a man to rush headlong into ruin, 
 it is invariably the rule, that if the actor succeeds, he is 
 crowned with the applause of the multitude ; whereas, if 
 he fails, he is sure to be as universally reprehended. 
 
( 224 ) 
 
 SECTION LT. 
 
 OF GENTLEMEN FOOLS. 
 
 Licet superbus ambules pecuniae, 
 Fortuna non mutat genus. 
 
 Some cheesemonger or tallowchandler, 
 Who's got by trade of gold command sir ; 
 
 To vie with gentlefolks aspires ; 
 Thinks no one half so bless'd by fate, 
 As when he's got a fine estate; 
 
 And to his country seat retires # . 
 
 With purse-proud folly overbearing, 
 And ignorance beyond comparing, 
 
 *" On the score of tradesmen having country seats, I 
 have only to remark, that if our men of title and fashion 
 do not look sharp about them, all the estates of their an- 
 cestors will become the property of the mercantile part 
 ©f this country. Thanks to their own depravity ! 
 
OP GENTLEMEN FOOLS. 225 
 
 He struts the potent village peer ; 
 Not conquering Alexander fam'd, 
 Could with this pompous fool be nam'd, 
 
 Or half so high his visage rear*. 
 
 Forgetful when he was his shop in, 
 And bacon rashers sold in Wapping, 
 
 With cheese and butter, eggs in scores ; 
 Or else the cotton which was dipping 
 In stinking tallow, cook maids' dripping ; 
 
 And sold spruce moulds, short eights, long 
 fours. 
 
 No longer such plain truths allowing, 
 He looks of course to others' bowing ; 
 
 As when on Sabbath holy ; 
 Quite consequential to the view, 
 He struts along the aisle to pew, 
 
 While peasants bend quite lowly +. 
 
 * Shakspeare says truly, 
 
 " Small things make base men proud ;* 
 and certainly to him who knows not justly how to appre- 
 ciate riches, nothing can be more despicable — It is but 
 " throwing pearls before swine." 
 
 A chi Fortuna suona, poco senno basta. 
 t It is the province of ignorance to lord it most when 
 favoured with the smiles of fortune, for— 
 Q 
 
£26 THE SHIP OF POOLS. 
 
 Behind, his rib — dame Lard, or Wick, sir, 
 Struts on, with heir apparent Dick, sir, 
 
 And miss, with tawdry sash and frock ; 
 Mamma, with face both broad and brawny, 
 And lank-hair'd master, quite a sawney, 
 
 The miss's head a barber's block. 
 
 Devoid of manners, taste, and science*, 
 To books this jolt-head bids defiance, 
 
 His booby spoil'd son goes astray ; 
 Spends all his wealth — weds a street-walker ; 
 Miss is in love — John's a fine talker, 
 
 So with dad's footman runs away, 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 Vain would this dolt the mental pow'rs refresh, 
 And banish ills by habit long inhal'd ; 
 
 What's in the bone must ever taint the flesh, 
 He's the bad shilling to the counter nail'd. 
 
 -Pride hath no other glass 
 
 To show itself but pride : for supple knees 
 Peed arrogance, and are the proud man's fees. 
 
 * A ludicrous trial, in which a sugar plumb City 
 Knight was defendant, having assaulted a Carman in the 
 Greenwich-road, on the score of precedence, affords a. 
 
 A 
 
 
OF GENTLEMEN FOOLS. 227 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 fcrue specimen of this species of ignorant and overbearing 
 pride. 
 
 He that's proud eats up himself. Pride is 
 
 his own glass, his own trumpet, his own chronicle: and 
 whatever praises itself but in the deed, devours the deed 
 i'the praise. 
 
( 228 ) 
 
 SECTION LII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO IN AGE GIVE BAD EXAMPLES 
 TO YOUTH. 
 
 -Velocius ac citius nos, 
 
 Corrumpunt vitiorum exempla domestica, magnis,. 
 Cum subeant animos auctoribus. 
 
 If old fools are to eating prone, 
 And will indulge when at the table ; 
 
 'Tis little wonder sense must own, 
 
 That youths should guttle while they're able. 
 
 If grey hairs will get drunk with wines, 
 And yield to shameful conversation ; 
 
 No wonder youth that way inclines, 
 And wafts to lewdness his oblation # . 
 
 * If we are to judge of our ancestors, by the conduct 
 of the rising generation, they must indeed have been 
 very expert practitioners in every species of debauchery 
 and iniquity ; as we may well exclaim to ninety-nine out 
 of the hundred of both sexes in the present era, Ecce 
 eignum ! 
 
OF BA.D EXAMPLES TO YOUTH. £29 
 
 If dotards will be fops arid game, 
 And 'spite of impotence be wenching * ; 
 
 Why feel surprise ? youth doth the same, 
 Whose raging fuel needs some quenching. 
 
 If mothers will give bad advice, 
 Tis little wonder that the daughter 
 
 Is not in virtue over nice, 
 
 When we reflect the parent taught her f. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 If moral thou wouldst see the rising race, 
 Beware, nor let thy faults appear in view ; 
 
 Such conduct will their dawning ills efface, 
 And they'll prove virtuous, finding worth in 
 you. 
 
 * We certainly have a sufficiency of old fools, both 
 with and without titles, to corrupt any youthful race that 
 has flourished since the period of our great progenitor 
 Adam, and on the score of conversation, they certainly 
 verify the Latin proverb, 
 
 Corrumpunt bonos mores, colloquia prava. 
 
 f Would to Heaven that the string of divorces, which 
 has of late years contaminated the page of female mora- 
 lity in high life, did not avouch the truth of our Poet's as- 
 
230 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row an each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 sertion, and that the conduct of modern wives was not 
 an escort to these lines from Butler. 
 
 When o'er the breeches grCedy women, 
 
 Fight to extend their vast dominion; 
 
 When wives their sexes shift like hares, 
 
 And ride their husbands, like nightmares; 
 
 For when men by their wives are cow'd, 
 Their horns of course are understood. 
 
( 231 ) 
 SECTION LIII. 
 
 OF THE ENVIOUS FOOL. 
 
 Invidus alterius macrescit rebus opimis.. 
 
 Can you no worth in others see, 
 That you will nourish jealousy, 
 
 And from just praise refrain ? 
 What reason, fool, have you to care, 
 Although your face be not so fair, 
 
 Should that give cause for pain # f 
 
 Or, will you cherish rancour's probe? 
 Because you see another's robe 
 More costly to the view ? 
 
 * The female sex is proverbial for envy ; and particu- 
 larly that part whom Nature has not arrayed in such ex- 
 ternal fascination? as others can boast ; as if the human 
 countenance was everlasting; and that the mind and 
 manners did not possess more sterling fascinations than 
 those of the body. 
 
 " My heart laments that virtue cannot live 
 
 Out of the teeth of emulation." 
 
23£ THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or, that you can less science show 
 In music ? Or, like Parisot, 
 The figure steps can't do*? 
 
 Or, why should man his spirits vex, 
 To hear from all the female sex, 
 Another's form commended f ? 
 
 * Every little accomplishment is equally a source of 
 envious detraction ; but not alone to the bodily requisites 
 do these meannesses extend ; virtue itself is not proof 
 against calumny; for so rancorous is her tooth, that, as 
 Livy says, 
 
 Coeca invidia est; nee quidquam aliud scit, quam de- 
 tractare virtutes. 
 
 f I have alluded above to the folly of females, in re- 
 gard to envy : not that I can discriminate the difference 
 of a shade between them and the male part of the crea- 
 tion, which is equally enslaved by this degrading folly : 
 for, let a man be extolled in a society of males for any 
 superior endowments, whether mental or corporeal, and 
 you will never fail to hear the hue and cry raised against 
 him for numberless faults, to counterbalance the eulo- 
 gium, whether they belong to him or not. The injured 
 man, however, has always this consolation, that, not- 
 withstanding the tale may be credited by the multitude 
 of fools, the wise man will always discern the truth, and 
 see clearly through the flimsy veil, which malicious spi- 
 
OF THE ENVIOUS FOOL. 233 
 
 Why feed on mean and envious thought, 
 To see a mind with learning fraught, 
 And polish'd manners blended? 
 
 Rather let such the model be 
 Of emulation unto thee : 
 
 A sure reward thou'lt find. 
 For, by such tributary praise, 
 Thou'lt weave for thine own brow the bays ; 
 
 Ennobling soul and mind. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 Be wise, O fool! and, if thou wouldst find rest, 
 Forth from thy mind each envious thought 
 dispel : 
 
 For he that hugs this demon to his breast, 
 Is curs'd thro' life with an eternal hell*. 
 
 rits, conscious of their own inferiority, purposely weave, 
 in order to conceal the truth from their envious minds. 
 
 * This advice of the poet cannot be better illustrated 
 ithan by quoting these words of Juvenal : 
 
 Invidia Siculi non invenere tyranni ; 
 
 Tormentum majus. 
 
234 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 235 ) 
 
 SECTION LIV. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO BELIEVE IN PREDES- 
 TINATION. 
 
 Che sara sara. 
 
 Make fools believe in their foreseeing 
 Of things, before they are in being : 
 As if the planet's first aspect, 
 The tender infant did infect, 
 In soul and body, and instill 
 Ail future good and future ill. 
 
 This fool, who shows bells, cap, and ladle, 
 Vows that, ere yet a babe in cradle, 
 
 His destiny, by fate, was told, 
 How he should wear both clout and frock ; 
 The meazles suffer, chicken pock, 
 
 The hooping cough ; and catch a cold. 
 
 *Twas equally a point momentous, 
 And a forewarning, most portentous, 
 For playing truant, jest in church j 
 
256 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Or, when in school, neglecting book, 
 Or, running scores with pastry cook, 
 
 That breech should feel the twitch of birch *. 
 
 In youth, 'twas no less necessary 
 For him to fall in love with Mary, 
 
 And pay to parish pounds for fun : 
 That he full oft should be a failer, 
 In settling bills; and that his tailor 
 
 Should hire the bailiff for his dun. 
 
 That he, in age, should need no lasses ; 
 But, for his eyes, on nose wear glasses ; 
 
 With pain rheumatic crawl about: 
 With toothless gums his victuals mumble ; 
 And, with ill nature, often grumble, 
 
 When he endures a fit of gout. 
 
 * This species of foolish foreknowledge brings to mind 
 these lines of Butler : 
 
 Some towns and cities, some, for brevity, 
 Have cast the Versal world's nativity ; 
 And made the infant stars confess, 
 like stars on children, what they please. 
 
OF FOOLISH PREDESTINARIANS. 237 
 
 In short, my fool, in mere rotation, 
 Your boasted wise predestination *, 
 
 Is nothing more than all men know: 
 That some have griefs, and some have joys ; 
 Ware born, and live till death destroys : 
 
 Omnipotence will have it so. 
 
 Some calculate the hidden fates 
 Of monkeys, puppy dogs, and cats; 
 Some take a measure of the lives 
 Of fathers, mothers, husbands, wives. 
 
 * Voltaire's Candid, or, All for the Best, is an admi- 
 rable production, and calculated, in every respect, to 
 prove the fallacy of the doctrine of predestinarians : 
 if any instance is required to prove this folly in its 
 full extent, the reader has only to consider the conduct 
 of the Turks, who are such rooted votaries of predesti- 
 nation, as absolutely to suffer the dead bodies to be ex- 
 posed in a putrid state, in the time of a plague, rather 
 than be at the trouble of burying them ; as they are 
 firmly of opinion, that such conduct would not conduce 
 to extend the infection ; for that if the plague is to rage 
 more furiously, it was previously ordained by fate ; and 
 therefore no human endeavour could prevent, in the 
 smallest degree, its destructive ravages. 
 
238 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Before man's birth, 'tis thought, his fate is cast, 
 Be he a beggar, or a chief renown'd : 
 
 Yet, when all's said, 'tis only found at last, 
 That rogues, when hung, are certainly not 
 drown'd. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS, 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man mv Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 239 ) 
 
 SECTION LV. 
 
 OF MARTIAL FOOLS. 
 
 Bella ! Horrida bella ! 
 Matronis detcstata. 
 
 Who would not be a brave commander*; 
 In war a raging salamander. 
 And do as his superior teaches : 
 
 * A cuspide corona, should be the soldier's motto : for, 
 even suppose that he is slain, he has acquired the wreath 
 of glory in the grave ; that is to say, according to the 
 world's opinion : though, for my own part, I am per- 
 fectly well satisfied with the glory of living as long as I 
 can. Iniquissimam pacem justissimo bello antefero. for 
 I never think of fighting, but it reminds me of the story 
 of the late facetious Captain Grose, of antiquarian me- 
 mory, which ran as follows : " Old Lord Ligonier took 
 the charge of his nephew, when commanding the British 
 forces abroad, and at the commencement of the first en- 
 gagement he was greatly exasperated at the timidity 
 which was evinced by his eleve, who excused himself, on 
 
240 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 With sword in hand mount deadly breaches : 
 Or, when the desp'rate foes beset, 
 Rush on, to eat his bayonet*, 
 
 the score of the novelty of the dreadful scene ; as the 
 slaughter increased, the young man's fear became less 
 conspicuous, until a musket ball not only levelled to the 
 earth a soldier who was at .his side, but splashed his coat 
 with the brains of the deceased. On witnessing this, a 
 visible emotion was depictured on the features of the 
 young soldier, which was noticed by the enraged uncle, 
 who, with a bitter imprecation, vowed that his nephew 
 was a poltron, and only fit to be tied to his mother's 
 apron string. " I beg your pardon, uncle," replied the 
 nephew, archly, and looking at his bedaubed regimental 
 coat, " I am not afraid, but am only astonished to find 
 that a skull here should be possessed of any brains at all." 
 
 * The Irish commander, of whom the following anec- 
 dote is related, was, in all probability, one of those fiery 
 hot gentlemen, of whom it may be said, 
 
 II sangue del soldato fa grande il capitano. 
 
 But to the point in question. 
 
 When General O'Kelly was introduced to Louis XIV. 
 soon after the battle of Fontenoy, his Majesty observed, 
 that Clare's regiment behaved well in that engagement. 
 " Sire," said the general, " they behaved weil, it is true; 
 many of them were wounded : but my regiment behaved 
 better, for we were all killed ! " 
 
 3 
 
OF MARTIAL FOOLS. £41 
 
 Who would not, when the fight increases, 
 Dash forward to be hacked in pieces * : 
 And, to maintain his courage stainless, 
 Present to musket head that's brainless ; 
 All death, save that of honour's hum: 
 For, who'd be wounded in the b — mt? 
 
 * Even the sacred functions of the clerical character 
 have been stained with blood, in despite of the precepts 
 of Christianity ; for it is related in history, that Richard 
 Cceur de Lion, having taken a fighting bishop prisoner, 
 the Pope claimed him as one of his spiritual sons. When 
 the king jocosely sent the Pope the hacked and bloody 
 armour of the bishop, saying, " Lo, this have I found, 
 now know thou if it be thy son's coat or no ! n 
 Such being the case, we may well exclaim, 
 Sure war must be the Lord's delight, 
 When priests 'mid seas of blood will fight. 
 f No man, surely, reared to that 
 
 ■ heroic trade, 
 
 That demi gods and heroes made ; 
 Slaughter, and knocking of the head : 
 The trade to which they all are bred, 
 could bear such an ignoble idea : 
 
 What ! 
 
 Just in the place where honour's lodg'd, 
 As wise philosophers have judg'd; 
 Because a kick in that part more 
 Hurts honour , than deep wounds before. 
 R 
 
242 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 On siege how noble to be doting, 
 And lie in trenches till quite floating*; 
 Or trudge 'mid dust, and sun that parches, 
 To cut off thousands by forc'd marches; 
 Till stopped, at length, by some redoubt, 
 Half kill'd, the rest must wheel about! 
 
 'Tis brave to form a noble barrier, 
 And guard the ensign, a rag carrierf; 
 
 It is a scandal of such magnitude, that the mere supposi- 
 tion alone is sufficient to make a soldier's cocked hat 
 leap from off his head, or curl the whiskers of an Aus- 
 trian hussar; it would give animation to the boots of a 
 French chasseur, or blow up a light horseman's leather 
 breeches. In short, there is nothing wonderful that even 
 the bare idea would not effect. La guerra fa i ladri, e la 
 pace glimpicca. 
 
 * Bravo! Bravissimo ! What are rheumatic pains, or 
 the loss of the use of limbs, when put in competition 
 with military glory? To't again: nay, stand up to the 
 neck, and fire away against a flinty wall; 'tis all on the 
 score of honour, which you may thus acquire. A capite 
 ad calcem. 
 
 f What, witness the taking off a pair of colours ! Be- 
 hold an enemy march away in triumph with half a dozen 
 ^ards of silk ! Zounds and death ! Who could submit to 
 
OF MARTIAL FOOLS. 243 
 
 Or rivers cross as wide as Shannon, 
 First duck'd, and then made food for cannon: 
 Or, hemmed in fortress, starve like flats, 
 Having devour'd cats, mice, and rats*. 
 
 After being slain in bloody battle, 
 You're well repaid w r ith tittle tattle t; 
 Which friends at home rehearse so snugly, 
 For you, a mangled corse quite ugly % : 
 
 such indignity ! No; rather lead on the elite of your 
 forces; let it become helium internecinum, to save the 
 precious stuff, though it only dangles in the wind, "slit 
 into shreds and tatters. For, be it remembered, 
 
 Sotto l'insegna si fanno i migliori capitani. 
 
 * Delicacies, beyond compare, when seasoned with 
 honour : for what will not a military stomach digest, 
 whpse delight is to feast on death, and play with bullets ! 
 
 f Ay ; and a very decent recompense too, consider- 
 ing that your single arm may have made twenty widows, 
 and as many orphans, in that day's battle, by sending to 
 the shades so many husbands and fathers as your, avant 
 couriers. But it is all perfectly acceptable to military 
 policy : because two potentates, or ministers, have quar- 
 relled, and therefore call upon the multitude to avenge 
 their injured honours. 
 
 % This is, certainly, rather a cold supper for those who 
 prefer The beginning of a fray to the end of a feast ■,. and 
 R 2 
 
244 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Who, with your friends, the kindred brave, 
 Havereap'd it, fool-like*, in the grave. 
 
 affords a striking contrast to the spirited lines of our 
 bard : 
 
 I saw the soldier, with his beaver on, 
 His cuisses on his thighs, gallantly arm'd, 
 Rise from the ground, like feather'd mercury ; 
 And vaulted with such ease into his seat ; 
 As if an angel dropt down from the clouds, 
 To turn and wind the fiery Pegasus, 
 And 'witch the world with noble horsemanship. 
 * A truce to joking: for though the leading stanzas of 
 the bard excited risibility, the sober contemplation of 
 this subject is sufficient to excite the keenest emotions in 
 the breast of sensibility, to behold thousands of men, 
 ranged in battle array, fighting for they know not what, 
 and slaughtering they care not whom; and yet, if 
 the very man who falls had been with his enemy in a pot- 
 house, he would as cordially have drank with him, nor 
 dreamt of enmity. O war ! Accursed war ! Well may thy 
 fabled deity have been depicted as drawn by terror and 
 fear, led on by discord, and followed by clamour and 
 anger. Well may Bellona rear the bloody whip, brandish 
 the flaming torch, and on her head display snakes, drip- 
 ping with gore. No picture can be too disgusting, no 
 thought more dreadful : as if Omnipotence created men 
 to murder one another. " Did these bones cost no more 
 
OF MARTIAL FOOLS, 245 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Honour, saith Falstaff, is mere bubble, sound, 
 An empty name, the madman's darling prize ; 
 
 Most cherish'd when in cold sepulchral ground, 
 Most bright when veil'd in death from mor- 
 tal eyes. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 the breeding, but to play at loggats with 'em ? " Were 
 the pangs of the mother felt, and the difficulties she had 
 to encounter in rearing her infant, experienced only to 
 serve as food for cannon? Think of that, ye potentates, 
 and let the contemplation stay your thoughts from bloody 
 extermination : and since the human life is but a span 
 at best, learn to abstain from its curtailment. 
 
( 246 ) 
 
 SECTION LVI. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DO NOT UNDERSTAND 
 A GAME, AND YET WILL PLAY. 
 
 Al firnir del givoco si ve de chi guadagna. 
 
 He fights against experience stout, 
 That, always losing, holds it out; 
 And, knowing nothing of the game, 
 Makes skilful players do the same; 
 Who, leading card for him to answer, 
 He'll only do it by mere chance, sir # . 
 
 Supposing hundreds were at stake, 
 And all the senses wide awake, 
 
 * This is, certainly, a very amusing circumstance; 
 particularly when the partner has betted upon the rub- 
 ber with half a dozen persons ; and expects, that what 
 was the effect of chance, originated in a thorough know- 
 ledge of the game, which he too soon finds out, by la- 
 mentable experience, was not the case. 
 
OF IGNOBANT, GAMBLING FOOLS. 247 
 
 'Tis sure enough to make one sick, 
 When, fighting hard for single trick, 
 To view the fool, who then might choose it, 
 Trump your best card, and thereby lose it # . 
 
 'Gainst player fam'd the ideot see, 
 
 Who bets at billiards gallantly, 
 
 To strike a cannon, pocket balls; 
 
 When mark what sad mischance befalls: 
 
 He makes the daring effort, silly elf! 
 
 And, missing all, naught pockets but himself f. 
 
 In all those games which skill require, 
 Your fools, thus obstinate, admire 
 
 * For a splenetic man, and a very fine player, or a 
 crabbed old maid, that has, for the last twenty years, 
 been glued to a whist table, and who places great re- 
 liance on her card money, to experience this circum- 
 stance, is a shock easier conceived than expressed, and 
 productive of effects, not unlikely to set all the company 
 present in a dreadful uproar. 
 
 f This game, which solely depends on science and 
 practice, is too often mangled by unskilful hands: and 
 the ridiculous attitudes into which it frequently throws, 
 not only the player, but the bye standers, is well ex- 
 posed in Bunbury's caricature of the Billiard Room* 
 
248 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 To persevere, and thereby choose 
 Their time and cash at once to lose. 
 Nay, more — they'll laugh, and think it funny, 
 To squander thus their partner's money*. 
 
 L ENVOY OF THE POET. 
 
 If thou enact'st the zany, 'tis no rule, 
 
 That others should be deck'd in ideot fame. 
 
 'Tis, sure, enough to play thyself the fool; 
 And not make them the partners of thy game. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 * This race of fools is very extensive ; no card room 
 being without some of its votaries, to the no small dis- 
 comfiture of such as have to own them for partners in a 
 game. 
 
( 249 ) 
 
 SECTION LVII. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO PLACE THEIR TRUST IN 
 HERITAGE. 
 
 Tho' I look old, yet I am strong and lusty; 
 For, in my youth I never did apply 
 Hot and rebellious liquors in my blood ; 
 Nor did I, with unbashful forehead, woo 
 The means of weakness and debility : 
 Therefore my age is as a lusty winter, 
 Frosty but kindly. 
 
 Thine uncle, fool, thou say'st, is sickly, 
 And therefore, doubtless, will die quickly, 
 
 And leave to thee his lands and gold. 
 But, folks in years, will act contrary; 
 And, growing of their pelf quite wary, 
 
 Will live to guard it till they're old. 
 
 Year after year is still succeeding, 
 While, anxious, thou thine uncle heeding ; 
 At eighty view'st him hale as thee : 
 
250 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Tis then thou think'st he'll sudden hop off, 
 In fit of apoplexy pop off. 
 
 And end, at length, thy misery. 
 
 How vain thine hope ! To heritage farewell! 
 Thine uncle, hearty, hears thy passing bell*. 
 
 * Every day affords instances of this nature ; proving 
 the fallacy of this species of dependence in fools : an in- 
 stance, however, of rather a different nature, and where 
 the youth was greatly to be pitied, is recorded in the 
 Lowther family, to the following effect : The uncle of 
 that name, who was as rich as he was penurious, had a 
 'nephew, without a shilling, and whose whole dependence 
 was on his relative's will, which would have been in the 
 young man's favour, but for the following circumstance : 
 Old Lowther, returning home one night, fell down, and 
 dangerously wounded his leg; for which, however, he 
 would not have advice, on account of the expense which 
 would be thereby incurred: when the nephew, feeling 
 for his relative's situation, applied to a surgeon, ex- 
 plaining the penurious principle of the old gentleman, 
 and requesting that he would attend him, as if through 
 charity, but that he should be secretly paid by himself 
 for his trouble ; which being agreed upon, the nephew 
 informed old Lowther that he cou d procure advice, gra- 
 tis, which greatly delighted his uncle ; who, in conse- 
 quence, assumed a different name, and took a mean 
 
OF EXPECTANT FOOLS. 251 
 
 Or else prim aunt. Old women live long, 
 Is the dear burden of some youth's song, 
 
 Who rests all hope upon her will ; 
 Stifles to please her jocund pleasures, 
 And ponders o'er the bible's treasures; 
 
 And heeds those morals she'll instill. 
 
 Thus in hope's bright sunshine basking, 
 The youth, one day, his spleen unmasking, 
 
 Pinches her pet; loud Ponto cries: 
 Or treads on tabby's tail— unwilling ; 
 For which, poor youth, he finds one shilling ( 
 
 In will bequeath'd him when she dies # . 
 
 lodging in the purlieus of St. Giles's, where he was at- 
 tended by the surgeon, who, after some weeks, saved 
 the loss of his leg, and, in all probability, his life, by ef- 
 fecting a complete cure. Unfortunately for the youth, 
 the real fact came to the uncle's ear, who had amused 
 himself with the supposition of his cure having been com- 
 pleted without cost : when, in return for the kind pro- 
 ceedings of his nephew, he not only discountenanced him 
 from that hour, but made a fresh will, and cut him off 
 with a shilling. 
 
 * Lady D y afforded an instance of this kind, who 
 
 literally left every shilling away from her next of kin, be- 
 cause he one day chanced to tear out a fly leaf from her 
 prayer book. 
 
252 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Go, fool, and for the loss of time repent, 
 Which thus, in hope of heritage was spent. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 He who exists, desiring other's death, 
 Lives but on air, and wagers breath 'gainst 
 breath. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 253 ) 
 
 SECTION LVIII. 
 
 OF TRADING FOOLS. 
 
 Fortuna multis dat nimium, nulli satis. 
 
 To gold this fool pays such devotion, 
 That, to ensure the precious store, 
 
 He, on the wide, inconstant ocean, 
 Ventures his certain wealth for more*. 
 
 Now billows raging, winds loud beating, 
 
 Soon the fragile bark destroy : 
 Or, if rocks, shoals, or quicksands meeting, 
 
 Farewell the golden dreams of joy f. 
 
 * When the mercantile fool acts thus, he may well 
 exclaim, Fortune caetera mando : or verify the Italian 
 proverb, that says, A torto si lamenta del mare, chi 
 due volte ei vuol tornare. 
 
 f When the evil arrives, the fool then recollects the 
 words of Syrus too late, who saitb, Fortuna vitrea est,, 
 turn cum splendet, frangitur. 
 
£54 THE SHI? OF BOOLS. 
 
 But, if dame fortune, less capricious, 
 Wafts to thee the precious mine ; 
 
 Awake, thou fear'st—while dreams suspicious, 
 Ev'ry succeeding night are thine # . 
 
 For what's possess'd, thou prov'st ungracious; 
 
 And thus defy'st all common sense ; 
 Relying on pursuit fallacious, 
 
 Though bless'd with ease and competence. 
 
 - "■ 
 
 Thus ever thankless fools, unsteady, 
 
 Spite of their reason, act amiss: 
 And, to exchange for ills, are ready, 
 
 The body's ease and mental bliss f. 
 
 * This stanza of the poet brings to mind the words of 
 Shakspeare, who, speaking of fortune, thus expresses 
 himself: 
 
 Will fortune never come with both hands full ; 
 But write her fair words still in foulest letters? 
 She either gives a stomach, and no food ; 
 Such are the poor in health : or else, a feast, 
 And takes away the stomach : such the rich, 
 That have abundance, and enjoy it not, 
 t No country can afford more instances of maniac, 
 Speculative fools, than England, where they not only risk 
 2 
 
of trading fools. 255 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 Take special care, my friend, of what is thine ; 
 
 For, this plain truth I'd have thee understand ; 
 The storm will follow, tho' the sun doth shijie : 
 
 Two birds in bush are not worth one in hand. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 their fortunes in ventures abroad, but will equally grasp 
 at any mad scheme at home. Some delve for mines in 
 the bowels of the earth, and procure naught but dust for 
 their cost and pains ; whilst others must build houses for 
 wise men to purchase at half price, when the speculator 
 has become a bankrupt. In short, there is nothing too 
 absurd for the folly of discontented minds, which prompts 
 them to exchange affluence for poverty, ease and li- 
 berty, for the confines of a gaol. 
 
( 256 ) 
 
 SECTION LIX. 
 
 OF FOOLS THAT WILL NOT SPEAK THE 
 TRUTH, FOR FEAR OF PUNISHMENT. 
 
 Quem paenitet peccasse, pene est innocens. 
 
 The wily fool, by fraud and lies, 
 Will strive to veil from others' eyes, 
 A fault that's of inferior name, 
 Compar'd with that abhorred shame, 
 Which doubly taints him with disgrace, 
 While striving smaller faults t 'efface # . 
 
 * The lines of Shakspeare, on falsehood, are beauti- 
 fully expressive, where he says, 
 
 Two beggars told me 
 
 I could not miss my way. Will poor folks lie, 
 
 That have afflictions on them ; knowing 'tis 
 
 A punishment, or trial ? Yes : no wonder, 
 
 When rich ones scarce tell true. To lapse in fullness 
 
 Is sorer than to lie for need; and falsehood 
 
 Is worse in kings than beggars. 
 
OF LYING FOOLS, 257 
 
 For, there's in lying such a charm, 
 Men thereby think t'escape the harm # ; 
 And thus punition's lash evade; 
 Being in tenfold sin array'd: 
 Forgetful that, by frank confession, 
 You half efface the first transgression. 
 
 Full oft you find that heedless youthst, 
 Bring on themselves by such untruths ; 
 A father's unrelenting ire, 
 When, from his knowledge they desire 
 
 * La scusa del peccato accresce il peccato. 
 
 f There is some palliative for the petty untruths of 
 children, who seek to evade the rod, through the me- 
 dium of falsehood ; as well as for the felon, who knows 
 that confession must bring him to the gallows; but when 
 we find veracity neglected, where it would not only, in 
 a great measure, obliterate the first offence, but save the 
 guiltiness of a second fault, (than which none is more 
 mean and despicable) there can be no excuse whatsoever 
 for its commission. Thus, the fool, though he laughs in 
 his sleeve, having practised on others, by his falsehood, 
 hath too frequently to rue the effects of the folly, com- 
 mitted against himself : therefore let these words of Se- 
 neca be ever kept in remembrance : 
 
 Quem paenitet peccasse, pene est innocens. 
 S 
 
258 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Their faults to hide : whereas contrition, 
 With truth, had banish'd all punition. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 He, who conviction of one fault doth feel, 
 And errs anew, the former sin to hide, 
 
 Flies, like the ruin'd gambler, to conceal 
 His rashness, by the stroke of suicide. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS, 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
( 259 ) 
 
 SECTION LX. 
 
 OF FOOLS WHOSE LABOUR CONSTITUTES 
 THEIR PLEASURE. 
 
 As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to 
 his folly. 
 
 To rise at dawn this fool takes pains ; 
 Tho' not to stock his silly brains, 
 
 And boast bright wisdom's rules ; 
 He rather idles time away, 
 And loves from wisdom's path to stray, 
 
 With other kindred fools. 
 
 He riseth with the matin sun, 
 And takes his pointer and his gun, 
 
 To toil thro' foul and fair; 
 To wade thro' bog, o'er hedge to scramble, 
 And feel the wound from many a bramble, 
 
 In hopes to kill an hare # . 
 
 * That pursuit must indeed be noble which has for its 
 aim so glorious an achievement, as the slaughter of an 
 S 2 
 
260 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 Thro' new plough'd land s well dren ch'd with rains, 
 Up the steep hills, o'er swampy plains, 
 
 While wet o'ertops his boot, 
 Full thirty tedious miles he trudges, 
 Fatigue nor loss of time he grudges, 
 
 So he his brace can shoot. 
 
 Jaded at dark he gains his doors, 
 Gorges and drinks and yawns and snores, 
 
 And hies at length to bed ; 
 What fool but envies him the lot 
 Of being dubb'd a d — d good shot, 
 
 The most that can be said *? 
 
 animal inoffensive and timid like the hare ; but indeed 
 the avocations of these fools, are upon a par with the per- 
 spicuity of their understandings, which are invariably 
 circumscribed to the capability of breaking in a pointer, 
 shooting at a mark with precision, cleansing the lock and 
 barrel of a fowling-piece, finding out the best covers, giving 
 the view halloo, and sitting the longest at the table with- 
 out getting dead drunk. These are sporting glories, 
 which afford copious matter for conversation and exulta- 
 tion, even when the ideot has not an eye left to discern a 
 partridge from a woodcock, or a hand steady enough to 
 hit the great tun at Heidelbergh, though at the distance of 
 one yard. 
 * Truly a very pretty and concise way of winding up 
 
OF LABORIOUS FOOLS. 26l 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 If half the time thus spent in useless toil, 
 
 Was giv'n but to th' instruction of the mind, 
 These fools would not at common sense recoil, 
 
 And in laborious follies pleasure find. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 or giving the ultimatum of a gentleman's education! yet it 
 is a true bill, as sufficient instances are adduceable in 
 ; every county of the united kingdoms of this realm, to 
 warrant the opinion of the poet. 
 
( 262 ) 
 
 SECTION LXL 
 
 OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE MISFORTUNE. 
 
 Quemcunque miserum videris, hominem scias. 
 
 Contemn not, fool, with ideot laugh, 
 Those pangs which others may endure ; 
 
 From mis'ry's cup thou soon mays't quaff, 
 And be, like them, despis'd and poor. 
 
 If others are bereft of store *, 
 
 And pine in poverty away ; 
 Why shouldst thou add one pang the more, 
 
 Augmenting griefs with smiles so gay? 
 
 * The purse-proud, overbearing ostentation of menial 
 minds, when gifted with riches, is one of the acutest tor- 
 ments a liberal and scientific man can experience, who is 
 the sport of untoward fortune ; since he has not only to 
 endure the evil from a wretch in every respect his 
 inferior, but also to stifle those generous emotions which 
 a just sense of contempt inspires, when heightened by 
 the polish of education. 
 
 Want is the scorn of ev*ry wealthy fool, 
 And wit in rags is turned to ridicule. 
 
OF FOOLS WHO DESPISE MISFORTUNE. 263 
 
 Or if the body should sustain 
 
 Some direful shock ; some dread disguise ; 
 Hast thou the heart to jeer at pain, 
 
 Canst thou deformity despise # ? 
 
 If loss of parent or of friend, 
 
 Excites the pungent thrill of woe ; 
 
 Needs't thou thy shameful mirth extend, 
 And laugh to scorn death's rueful blow f ? 
 
 Why should thy folly fear deride, 
 The timid ne'er can harm thy rest ; 
 
 The downfall too of pompous pride, 
 With joy should never swell thy breast J. 
 
 * No folly can be more indecorous than that of derid- 
 ing any bodily infirmity ; for the province of a wise man 
 is to profit by the example, and offer due thanks to the 
 great Father of all, for having spared him from a similar 
 misfortune. 
 
 t This is a species of barbarity which, though less fre- 
 quent among fools, is, nevertheless, indulged in at pe- 
 riods, to the utter disgrace of its practitioner, therefore, 
 Jet the words of Ovid be ever kept in mind, who empha- 
 tically saith, 
 
 Res est sacra miser. 
 
 t To ridicule the timid, or deride fallen greatness, is 
 
264 THE SHIP OF FOOLS, 
 
 Think, fool, altho' thou smil'st this hour, 
 The next may give thee cause to weep; 
 
 For there's yet one Omniscient Pow'r, 
 Whose justice ne'er was known to sleep. 
 
 l'envoy of the poet. 
 
 The bless'd religious precept ne'er disclaim, 
 Which tow'rd philanthropy unceasing tends, 
 
 Instructing thee to cherish all the same, 
 And even feel for foes as well as friends. 
 
 the poet's chorus to fools. 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 a certain index of a mean and dastardly spirit; nor can 
 the annotator, however enamoured of Shakspeare, pe- 
 ruse, without a sensation of disgust, those particular 
 scenes in Henry VIII. and the Merchant of Venice ; in 
 the former of which drama is conveyed the mean taunt- 
 ings of the noblemen sent to divest Wolsey of his state of- 
 fices, while the latter contains the most ungenerous re- 
 flections on the religion and misfortunes of the ruined 
 Shylock : there, is, however, little doubt, but that the 
 poet, in the latter instance, was guided more by the po- 
 pular prejudice of those times, than prompted to indulge 
 in mean reflections against the vindictive Israelite from 
 any inherent littleness of mind. 
 
( 265 ) 
 
 SECTION LXII. 
 
 OF THE FOLLY OF ALL THE WORLD. 
 
 Ce monde est plein de fous, et qui n'en veut pas voir, 
 Doit se renfermerseul, et casser son miroir. 
 
 All the world's a mass of folly, 
 Youth is gay, age melancholy ; 
 Youth is spending, age is thrifty, 
 Mad at twenty, cold at fifty. 
 Man is naught but folly's slave, 
 From the cradle to the grave # . 
 
 What creates the infant's joy ? 
 Rattle, bells, and painted toy : 
 What the youth's ? the wish to prove, 
 All his fervor, all his love ; 
 And these pastimes, when grown old, 
 All forgot ; absorb' d in gold +. 
 
 * It is sufficient to annotate this stanza with the words 
 
 of Horace, 
 
 Omnes stultos insanire. 
 
 t From the moment reason begins to assume its em- 
 
266 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 What but wealth is man pursuing, 
 What but gold is man's undoing ; 
 Mundane glory's supposition, 
 Worldly pleasure's imposition ; 
 Health's precarious, life's uncertain, 
 Soon or late, death drops the curtain. 
 
 Rear'd in folly's ideot schoolerie, 
 Ev'ry age thus boasts its foolerie ; 
 From the mewling infant season, 
 To man's dotage — want of reason * : 
 Then bravo, fool, thy flag's unfurl'd, 
 And waves the ensign of the world. 
 
 porium, folly and vice equally claim a share of the hu- 
 man mind, because the passions ripen quicker than the 
 intellect, and it was on this account, that Bias, one of the 
 seven sages of Greece, hath said, 
 
 Oi TrheiovBq ytaxos. 
 * It appears very surprising, on the first contemplation, 
 that men should slip into the different stages of existence, 
 indulging in their foibles, without being scarcely ever no- 
 ticed by those individuals who surround them ; yet this 
 is not at all to be wondered at, when we consider that 
 Niminum insanus paucis videatur, eo quod, 
 Maxima pars hominum morbo jactatur eodem. 
 
*OLLY OF ALL THE WORLD. 26? 
 
 l'envoy OF THE POET. 
 
 Folly and humankind agree so well, 
 Zany shall toll dame reason's passing knell. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Come, cheer up fools, these welcome tidings 
 
 greet, 
 For now the world is yours, there's room for 
 
 bliss ; 
 Such countless numbers shall fit out a fleet, 
 Instead of manning only one Navis. 
 
( 268 ) 
 
 SECTION LXIIL 
 
 DESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN. 
 
 Hated by fools, and fools to hate ; 
 Be such my motto and my fate. 
 
 La piu gloriosa di tutte le vittorie a vincer se medesimo. 
 
 Show me the man, less read in Romans, Greeks, 
 Than prone to think before his mind he speaks; 
 Whose judgment is not founded on mere rules 
 Of college pedants, and your men of schools ; 
 But well digested in his classic mind, 
 From active converse with all human kind. 
 
 Show me the man, so temperate and cool, 
 As rather to be mute than cope with fool ; 
 
DESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN. 269 
 
 Glad to instruct where knowledge is desir'd, 
 And at the call of reason's voice inspired : 
 Most cautious, how he grounds an argument, 
 And in pronouncing judgment diffident. 
 
 Show me the man, who with great fools ne'er 
 
 vies, 
 And in discerning, sees with his own eyes ; 
 Who in bright virtue views the soul's best balm, 
 And feels that science keeps the passions calm ; 
 Whose trust inHeav'n all thoughts of hate allays, 
 Learns him to pity those he cannot praise. 
 
 Show me the being, so well understood, 
 Whom none e'er found to do what was not good, 
 Whose judgment ne'er arraign'd the will of God, 
 And tho' thus pure, obedient kiss'd his rod ; 
 Who neither hugg'd his life, nor wish'd to die, 
 His hope fix'd stedfast on eternity. 
 
 Show me this man ; or, if I ask too much, 
 Produce that one who aims at being such ; 
 And he, as rock unmov'd, 'mid tempests' roar, 
 Shall smile when fools and folly are no more ; 
 
£70 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 And, 'mid the crash of worlds — £rwe # Rara Avis, 
 View the great wreck of Stultifera Navis f. 
 
 * Happy would the annotator conceive himself, was 
 he but enabled to adduce a single instance, wherein he 
 might display to his readers, a Kara Avis like that de- 
 scribed by the poet ; but, unfortunately, neither the 
 page of history, or his own converse with mankind, has 
 yet empowered him to note down, in his vocabulary, a 
 single instance of the kind ; every individual, either from 
 tradition, or, after his actual association with him, hav- 
 ing proved in some measure impregnated with the mania 
 of folly, not even to spare the sages of antiquity ; who 
 either lost their reason in the mazes of research, or had 
 some latent spark of animal depravity attached to their 
 lives. The conduct of Cincinnatus, perhaps, is as much 
 characterized by wisdom as that of any famous individual 
 recorded in the annals of history, since he displayed his 
 love for content, Huomo contento a piu rico del mondo ; 
 yet even the mode of action which he adopted, may be 
 arraigned by sceptics on the score of selfishness, since it 
 was his duty to dispense for the common good, the vir- 
 tues which adorned his character, instead of retiring from 
 the scene of action, to bury his glories in a turnip field, 
 
 f Should any mortal feel so enamoured of the charac- 
 ter above depicted, as to become desirous of realizing 
 this Rara Avis in himself, I will lay down a rule of action, 
 which, if pursued, cannot fail of producing the desired 
 end: 
 
DESCRIPTION OF A WISE MAN. 271 
 
 Vivi come se tu havessi domani da morire, studia come 
 se havessi da viver serapre. 
 
 O ! let each new revolving day be pass'd, 
 As if to-morrow was to be the last ; 
 But in thy studies, as industrious be, 
 As if thy life were an eternity. 
 
 
( 272 ) 
 
 SECTION LXIV. 
 
 OF THE REWARD OF WISDOM' 
 
 
 The wise shall inherit glory ; but shame shall be the 
 promotion of fools. 
 
 Wisdom looks calmly on the shafts of fate, 
 Truly enthron'd in its own mental state ; 
 Arm'd against vice, its empire it destroys, 
 And tastes hereafter everlasting joys f. 
 
 * Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the 
 man that getteth understanding. 
 
 t The poet having so well described in one stanza, the 
 reward of wisdom, here and hereafter, it would be need- 
 less to add anything further by way of note upon the sub- 
 ject: his only hope, therefore is, that more individuals 
 may deserve the recompense, than have come within the 
 pale of his cognizance ; for the words of Solomon have 
 been too universally verified, who saith, 
 
 " Wisdom crieth out in the streets ; but no one re- 
 gardeth her/' 
 
OF THE REWARD OF WISDOM. £73 
 
 THE POET'S EXCLAMATION TO FOOLS. 
 
 How strange that godlike man will persevere, 
 And spurn the good, rejecting wisdom here ; 
 Since 'tis as easy this reward to win, 
 As stain the body and the soul with sin ! 
 
( £74 ) 
 
 SECTION LXV. 
 
 OF BACKBITERS, AND SUCH AS SHALL DESPISE 
 THIS WORK. 
 
 O ye simple, understand wisdom, and ye fools, be ye of 
 an understanding heart. 
 
 Wisdom crieth without ; she uttereth her voice in the 
 streets : 
 
 How long, ye simple ones, will ye love simplicity ? and 
 the scorners delight in their scorning; and fools hate 
 knowledge? 
 
 Many there are, who on ray page shall look, 
 That doubtless will revile this little book ; 
 The reason's plain — for there are few indeed, 
 Who will not trace their portraits*, as they read; 
 
 * That this will prove the case, there needs no ghost 
 from the grave to tell us; but that there will be found anj 
 possessed of sufficient candour to allow it, is quite a dif- 
 ferent matter ; for the cry will be on all sides — " God 
 bless me ! how much 4hat reminds me of so and so !" 
 a Well, one would really suppose, that the poet had had 
 iord this, or tl*e other in his eye, when he coramiued 
 
OF DERIDING FOOLS, €75 
 
 And naught in folly's brain creates such terror, 
 As to proclaim aloud its favourite error. 
 
 Yet tho' condemn'd by most part of mankind, 
 As censor public — Critic most unkind ; 
 I shall not shrink, nor from the truth abstain, 
 For wounds when prob'd must give the patient 
 
 pain : 
 Therefore I'll publish — naught the clamour 
 
 heeding*, 
 Lavish'd by fools f, while they my theme are 
 
 reading. 
 
 his ideas to paper '" yet, while those wondrous disco- 
 veries are making, the fools will carefully withhold 
 from the mention of their own fooleries, howsoever 
 well their heads may be adapted for the cap which has 
 been made for them. 
 
 * This is certainly very contemptuous of the poet, who 
 might have used the words of our bard, to convey his idea 
 of the effect produced upon his labours by the slander of 
 fools. 
 
 For haply slander, 
 
 Whose whisper o'er the world's diameter, 
 
 As level as the cannon to his blank 
 
 Transports his poison'd shot, may miss our name, 
 
 And hit the woundless air. 
 
 f I make no doubt, but that numerous fools, on the pe* 
 
 T 2 
 
276 THE SHIP OF FOOLS 
 
 Some minds there are, not so much zanv's * 
 
 tools, 
 As with deaf ears to greet my Ship of Fools ; 
 To such, tho' fewf, I dedicate my lays, 
 My muse well recompens'd by their just praise; 
 
 rusal of this little book, would be heartily glad to realize 
 the Italian proverb, which saith, 
 
 Se la lingua fosse una lancia farebbe piu male, che 
 dieci altra. 
 
 * The poet has ventured a great deal in this line f 
 grant that his affirmation may be verified by experience. 
 I must certainly say, that if there are any such, who re- 
 fuse the meed of approbation, I shall at once pronounce, 
 that they were not possessed of a single grain of gratitude, 
 which is the worst that can be said of human nature, for, 
 
 Ingratum si dixeris omnia dicis, 
 Or, to use the words of Young: 
 
 He that's ungrateful has no crime but one, 
 All other vices may pass for virtues in him. 
 
 f In this third line, the bard has checked himself with 
 the word few, a very lucky circumstance truly, for to find 
 him tripping in judgment, after censuring all the world, 
 (his few excepted) would indeed have subjected him even 
 to the ridicule of folly, which would have been warranted 
 in its full extent, while the scoffers, in arraying him in 
 their own bells, cap, and ladle, and calling him fool, would 
 have said with Horace, 
 
OF DERIDING FOOLS. 277 
 
 But as for countless numbers that refuse 'em, 
 They are but fools, and therefore I excuse 'em*. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS, 
 
 Come, trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 1 — — Ridentem dicere verum 
 
 Quid vetat? 
 * And doubtless will repay their neglect as Jaques did 
 the moralizing of the fool, who saith, 
 
 When I did hear 
 
 The motley fool thus moral on the time, 
 My lungs began to crow like chanticleer, 
 That fools should be so deep contemplative : 
 And I did laugh, saws intermission, 
 An hour by his dial. O ! noble fool, 
 A worthy fool — motley's the only wear ! 
 
( 278 ) 
 
 SECTION LXVL 
 
 THE AUTHOR A FOOL. 
 
 A fool, a fool ! I met a fool i'the forest ; 
 
 A motley fool — a miserable world— 
 
 As I do live by food, I met a fool. 
 
 Good morrow, fool, quoth I. — No, Sir ; quoth he : 
 
 Call me not fool, till Heaven hath sent me fortune, 
 
 As I've judg'd others, by that very rule, 
 Must I alike condemn myself for fool*: 
 
 
 * Heyday ! What have we here ? A very pretty con- 
 fession, indeed ! So, after all, I have only been anno- 
 tating the sections of a fool : a glorious recompense, 
 truly, for all my toil. — Yet, soft; let us not condemn 
 too rashly : for, perhaps, the two next lines may be tant- 
 amount to the unsaying what hath been before said : 
 therefore, by your leaves, gentle fools. 
 
THE AUTHOR A FOOL. 279 
 
 For who, that was not oaf, would take such 
 
 pains, 
 To store a world of empty skulls * with brains? 
 Then, row on, fools; my vessel's ably mannd, 
 Well freighted, sense and virtue to withstand. 
 Vain are opponents: wisdom naught can do, 
 While this great globe's the ship — mankind 
 
 the crew. 
 
 * Ho ! Ho ! That's your meaning, is it, Mr. Poet ? 
 I now comprehend the text perfectly: ay, and must 
 coincide with you in opinion, by calling you a most con- 
 summate fool. Why, as I live, there will not, perhaps, 
 be one zany found, who will think fit to requite the bard, 
 by even honouring his labours with a perusal ; or, if any 
 such should appear, what will avail all this exposition of 
 folly, and the advice to fools ? Why, it is but scattering 
 chaff before the wind, or strewing pearls in the way of 
 swine ; and then, what are to become of all my notes, 
 truly ; and who is to repay me for the time I have ex- 
 pended, which might have been so much more profitably 
 employed under the directions of a Minerva f Zounds 
 and death ! Why, I shall starve ! Pens, ink, and paper 
 too, as I live, all gone to pot ! I have no remedy left 
 but to publish, if I can get credit, that is to say. There- 
 fore, imperial fools, noble fools, reverend fools, nay, 
 fools all, do read me : and I was going to promise you 
 a second volume in Praise of Folly ; but another and a 
 wiser man hath given it you before me. 
 
280 THE SHIP OF FOOLS. 
 
 THE POET'S CHORUS TO FOOLS. 
 
 Then trim the boat, row on each Rara Avis, 
 Crowds flock to man my Stultifera Navis. 
 
 
( 281 ) 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 Age, bad example given by, 228. 
 Agrippa, Cornelius, 166. 
 Alchemy, note on, 164. 
 Ambition, Shakspeare on, 175. 
 
 note on, 174. 
 
 ditto, 176. 
 Anaxagoras, his opinions, 162. 
 Anacreon, death of, 35. 
 Anne, Queen, and Lord Lainsborough, 214. 
 Annotator, his exclamation to the Poet, 278. 
 
 his complaint, %79* 
 Apollo, Delphian Oracle of, 204. 
 Arcadia, Sir Philip Sidney's, 195. 
 Ardesoif, Mr. the Cockfighter, 134. 
 Aristotle, philosophy of, 184. 
 
 de coelo, 163. 
 Aristophanes, Comedy of, 188. 
 Arms, the College of, 180. 
 Astrology, Butler on, 160. 
 note on, 166. 
 
282 INDEX. 
 
 Astronomers, learning of, l6l. 
 
 B. 
 
 Bacon, Lord, prodigality of, 94. 
 
 Friar, 167. 
 Bajazet, 110. 
 Bar of Bastardy, IS I. 
 Battle, end of, 243. 
 Becanus Goropius, 188. 
 Becket, Thomas, 6l. 
 Beggar on London Bridge, 151. 
 Bias, opinion of, 266. 
 Bills at Ladies' Schools, 89. 
 Billiards, Game of, 24. 
 Biographical History, Granger's, 122. 
 Boileau on bad Poets, 192. 
 Bolingbroke, Lord, and Dr. Manton, 18o\ 
 Books, modern collectors of, 120. 
 
 Black letter, 121. 
 B-sw-11's Tour to the Hebrides, 75. 
 
 Jemmy, anecdote of, 74. 
 Boudoirs, 2. 
 
 Busy bodies, note on, 11 7. 
 Butler on whipping, 90. 
 
 on the Occult Sciences, 168. 
 
 on abstruse Studv, 1S6\ 
 
INDEX. Z83 
 
 Bunbury, his caricature of Billiard playing, 247. 
 
 C. 
 
 Carausius, coin of, 128. 
 
 Caxton, William, 1. 
 
 Charles V. 201. 
 
 Charles XII. of Sweden, 221. 
 
 Ch-rtr-s Colonel, l6\ 
 
 Chancery, Court of, sarcasm on, 146. 
 
 Chesterfield, Lord, and his Son, 63. 
 
 Christians, usurious, 83. 
 
 Cibber, Theophilus, anecdote of, 100. 
 
 Cincinnatus, 270. 
 
 Cleopatra and her pearl, 92. 
 
 Clergyman in Yorkshire, anecdote of, 57* 
 
 Clouds, the Comedy of, by Aristophanes, 188. 
 
 Cock fighting, and Mr. Ardesoif, 134. 
 
 Coctier, Jacques, and Louis XI. 217. 
 
 Coin of Carausius, 128. 
 
 Collectors of Books, 120. 
 
 a purging one, 1 29- 
 Colours, preservation of, 242. 
 Conceit, note on, 205. 
 Conniving Cuckold, anecdote of, 104, 
 Conscience, 188. 
 
£84 INDEX. 
 
 Costello, counsellor, anecdote of, 24. 
 Cromwell, Oliver, 177. 
 Cuckoldom, lines on, 28. 
 Cup, Hardi Knute's, 127* 
 Curiosity, note on, 95. 
 Curls a la Recamiere, 9« 
 
 D. 
 
 Dancing at Seminaries, 87. 
 
 Dancing, nobility fond of, 214. 
 
 Dangerous Connexions, novel of, 2. 
 
 D'Aulnoi, Countess of, her Fairy Tales, 96. 
 
 Death, horrors of, 137. 
 
 Death, ridicule of, 263. 
 
 D— rh— st, Lord, 133. 
 
 De Foe's, Daniel, Robinson Crusoe, 140. 
 
 Discontent, note on, 141. 
 
 Disease, note on, 2l6\ 
 
 Shakspeare on, 21 6*. 
 Divorce, by whom unattainable, 29. 
 
 note on, 229. 
 
 lines on, from Butler, 230. 
 Dodd, the Rev. Dr. 137. 
 Drawing at Seminaries, 89. 
 Dutch, the language of Adam and Eve, 188. 
 
INDEX. QS5 
 
 E. 
 
 Education, modern, fallacy of, 85. 
 Education of a Sportsman, 260. 
 Edward III. and Alice Pierce, 17. 
 Election Feast, Hogarth's print of, 36. 
 
 folly of interfering in, 118. 
 Elizabeth, Queen, anecdote of, 17- 
 
 and Sir John Perrot, 106 
 Empire, note on, 193. 
 English drunkenness, Shakspeare on, 39. 
 Envy, note on, with respect to Females, 231. 
 
 note on, with respect to Males, 232. 
 Epicurus, his gluttony, 35. 
 Erasmus, his freedom on religious topics, 60. 
 
 E. 
 
 Fairy Tales of the Countess D'Aulnoi, Q6. 
 Falsehood, Shakspeare on, 256. 
 Fasts, Dean Swift on, ] 86. 
 Feudal Times and Modern, 213. 
 Fighting, perseverance in, 242. 
 Fisher, Kitty, anecdote of, 92. 
 Flattery of Females, f6. 
 Folly, indulgence in, 266. 
 
286 INDEX. 
 
 Food, any acceptable in war, 243. 
 Fortune, instability of, 110. 
 
 Shakspeare on, 254. 
 
 G. 
 
 Galau, Bishop of Munster, inventor of bombs, 62. 
 Galileo, 167. 
 Gambling, 52. 
 
 instability in, 53. 
 
 thirst after, in the lowest classes, 53. 
 
 effects of, among our nobles, 212. 
 
 Stock Exchange, 54. 
 Garrick, anecdote of, 80. 
 Garrulity, note on, 169. 
 Garnish, always necessary, 46. 
 Gay's Miser and Plutus, quotation from, 67* 
 Gentlemen Jockeys, 54. 
 Gentlemen upstarts, 224. 
 Gluttony, 34. 
 
 Grace at table, a long one, 64. 
 Granger's Biographical History, 122. 
 
 portraits, collectors of, 123. 
 Grose, Captain, anecdote related by, 239. 
 Grosthead, Robert, 167. 
 Guagin, his Latin History, 217* 
 
INDEX. 287 
 
 H. 
 
 Harleian Miscellany, anecdote from, 58. 
 Hatton, Sir Christopher, 214. 
 Hazardous enterprizes, note on, 220. 
 Heloise of Rousseau, 2. 
 
 and Abelard, 157. 
 Heliogabalus, his feasts, 35. 
 Hoax, a Stockjobbing one, 54. 
 Honour, Butler on, 245. 
 
 wonderful effects produced by, 242, 
 
 modern notions of, 222. 
 
 Falstaffon, 222. 
 Hogarth's Harlot's Progress, lo\ 
 Election Feast, 36. 
 on Wigs, 24. 
 Hopkins, Matthew, 124. 
 Hubert, Saint, the Hunter, 131. 
 Huns, anecdote of, from Marcellinus, 132. 
 
 Jaques, on the Fool's moralizing, 277* 
 Jealousy, note on, 99* 
 Interludes, plays, and tracts, 121. 
 Infirmity, derision of, 263. 
 Jockeys, gentlemen, 54* 
 
288 INDEX. 
 
 Johnson, Dr. and B-sw-11, anecdote of, 74. 
 Dr. prayer of, 209. 
 
 K. 
 
 Killing no Murder, by Col. Titus, 177. 
 Knute, Hardi, his Cup, 127. 
 KouliKhan, 110. 
 
 L. 
 
 Ladies' Schools, bills at, 8Q. 
 Lainsborough, Lord, anecdote of, 214. 
 Law suits, sale of, 131. . 146. 
 
 note on, 147. 
 I/Envoy of Alexander Barclay, 4. 
 Lewis XIV. anecdote of, 174. 
 
 and General O'Kelly, anecdote of, 240. 
 Lewis XL anecdotes of, 237. 
 
 and Francis Martotille, 219, 
 Ligonier, Lord, anecdote of, 239. 
 ' Litigation, Folly of, 144. 
 London Bridge, Beggar on, 151. 
 Love, unnatural, 28. 
 note on, 153. 
 humiliation of, 154. 
 Lovers, quarrels of, 154. 
 Voltaire on, 155. 
 
INDEX. 280 
 
 Love, Butler on, 155. 
 but desire, 156. 
 Lowther Family, anecdote of, 250. 
 Lying, note on, 257. 
 
 M. 
 
 Maitres, Petits, 19. 
 Man, a wise one, note on, 270. 
 Manton, Dr. and Lord Bolingbroke, 186. 
 Marcellinus, his anecdote of the Huns, 132. 
 Mariana, unfortunate anecdote of, 42. 
 Marriage, improper, lines on, 40. 
 Martotille, Franfois, and Lewis XI. 219. 
 Masquerades, inebriety at, 50. 
 ill effects of, 49. 
 Maecenas, a modern Publisher, 193. 
 Merchants, note on, 253 , 
 Military Commander, anecdote of, 37. 
 Modern Antiques, 126. 
 Modern and Feudal Times, 21. 
 Music at Seminaries, $7* 
 
 N. 
 
 Nero, vanity of, 204. 
 Novels, 196. 
 
290 INDEX. 
 
 Nobility, note on, 212. 
 
 lines on, 212. 
 
 gambling among, 212. 
 
 fond of dancing, 214. 
 Northumberland Household Book, 213. 
 
 O. 
 
 Office, petty Clerks in, 45. 
 Officers, Parish, vanity of, 45. 
 Opinions, fallacious ones, 187. 
 O'Kelly, General, anecdote of, 240. 
 
 Pad, the, 9. 
 
 Paley, Dr. his Political and Moral Philosophy, 223. 
 Parish Officers, venality of, 45. 
 Parliament, extract from the Rolls of, respecting 
 Lawyers, 145, 
 
 In and out of, 44. 
 Pedigree, Antiquity of, in an English Noble, 178. 
 
 an anecdote of ; 1 79' 
 Petits Maitres, 19. 
 Perrot, Sir John, 106. 
 Peruques, 10. 
 
 Philosophy, Political and Moral, of Dr. Paley, 223. 
 Pierce, Alice, and Edward III. 17. 
 3 
 
INDEX. 291 
 
 Plagiarists, note on, 195. 
 Plato on Astronomy, 163. 
 Play, disappointment at, 246. 
 Plays, Interludes, and Tracts, 121. 
 Poems, Little, 3. 
 Poetic prescription, 28. 
 Poets, bad, 191. 
 
 Boileau on, 192. 
 Pope, Mr. false versification of, 5. 
 Pope, the, and Richard Cour de Lion, 241. 
 Portraits, Collectors of, 123. 
 Predestination, Turks believers in, 237. 
 
 Butler on, 236. 
 Prescription, a poetic one, 28. 
 Pride, note on, 259. 
 
 quotation on, 227* 
 Priestcraft, pride of, 6l. 
 Procrastination, note on, 207. 
 note on, 209- 
 Prodigality, note on, 1 50. 
 Professor, a German's title, 170. 
 Promises, false, of Parliamentary Men, &c. 77. 
 Prussian Soldier, anecdote of, 36. 
 Publishers, modern, note on, 193. 
 Pyrrhus, King of Epirus, 107. 
 
292 INDEX. 
 
 R. 
 
 Reason, Age of, &c. 31. 
 Recamiere Curls, 9« 
 Religious Hypocrites, 77- 
 Richard I. anecdote of, 241. 
 Richard II. quotation from, 200. 
 Rolls of Parliament, extract from, respecting Law- 
 yers, 145. 
 Ross, the Player, anecdote of, 72. 
 Rousseau, J. J. 2. 
 Rosso the Poet, anecdote of, 155. 
 
 Sailors, foolish Extravagancies of, 93. 
 Sake, Mull'd, 122. 
 
 Saunter, Sir, original anecdote of, 21. 
 Scotus, Duns, the Logician, 185. 
 
 and the Statue of Virgin Mary, 186. 
 Scudery, Madam, 196. 
 Seminaries, Dancing at, 87- 
 
 Music at, 87. 
 
 Drawing at, 89. 
 
 Whipping at, 89. 
 Shakspeare on English Drunkenness, 39. 
 
 opinion of, 264. 
 
INDEX. 293 
 
 Sidney, Sir Philip's, Arcadia, 195. 
 Slander, note on, 114. - 
 
 Shakspeare on, 274. 
 Sloper, Mr. and Theophilus Cibber, 100. 
 Sorbonne, the Doctors of, 187. 
 Sportsmen, note on, 259. 
 Speculation, English famous for, 254. 
 Stael, Madame de, 3. 
 Stays, a la Je ne s ais quoi, 8. 
 Standard, fighting for, 242. 
 Steevens, Mr. and Knute'sCup, 126. 
 Stock Exchange Gambling, 54. 
 Stockings, Silk, coloured, 10. 
 Study, abstruse Folly of, 184. 
 
 Supreme Being, difference in opinion upon the, 1 89« 
 Swift, Dean, of Fasts, 186. 
 Sweden, Charles XII of, 221, 
 
 Tabards, description of, 181. 
 Tandem, a new species of Carriage, 208. 
 Tavistock, Marquis of, 133. 
 Thomas, Mrs. anecdote of, 165. 
 Titus, Col. his Killing no Murder, 177. 
 Tracts, Plays, and Interludes, 121. 
 Trial, a ludicrous one, 226. 
 
294 INDEX. 
 
 Trowsers worn by the Ladies, 8. 
 Turf, the, Gambling on, 54. 
 Turks, Predestinarians, 237. 
 Timidity, derision of, 263. 
 
 V. 
 
 Vain Boasting, note on, 171. 
 Voltaire on Astrologers, 166. 
 his Candid, 237. 
 
 U. 
 
 Usury, note on, 82. 
 
 Uxelles, Marshal, saying of, 156. 
 
 W. 
 
 War, causes and effects of, 243. 
 
 Food, acceptable in, 243. 
 
 termination of, 243. 
 
 note on, 244. 
 Warrior, Shakspeare's lines on, 244. 
 Whist, ill play at, 247. 
 Welshmen, their love of Pedigrees, 179. 
 Whipping at Seminaries, 89. 
 
 Butler on, 90. 
 Wigs, the Judges', &c. 23. 
 
 Ladies', 10. 
 
 
INDEX. 295 
 
 Wigs, Flaxen, of old Men, 12. 
 William the Conqueror, 201. 
 
 King, and Lewis XIV, 175. 
 Wise Man, note on, 270. 
 Wood Cuts in old Books, 121. 
 Wolsey, Cardinal, 6l. 
 Worlidge, anecdote of, 35. 
 Wycherley's Plain Dealer, 145. 
 
 Z. 
 
 Zeno, his opinions, 188. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 William Savage, Printer, 
 Bedford Bury. 
 
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