DEP^I LAND tt> LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. Cliap,_..„.. Copyright No, • Shelf A.2.^D ^ \^<^% UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. i inri i m^ SB ^""■^"^""^B'BiiW^il i '? Alice in Wonderland A PLAY ALICE IN WONDERLAND COMPILED FROM LEWIS CARROLL'S STORIES Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking^ Glass, and What Alice Found There BY Emily Prime Delafield Originally presented, for tlie benefit of The Society of Decorative Art. at The Waldorf. New York. March thirteenth, 1897, and now for the first time printed ^ 1^ NEW YORK DODD, MEAD 6 COMPANY 1898 Copyright, 1898, byDodd. Mcad^6 Company JL7750 THE RIGHT to ghe professional or amateur performances of this play is vested in Mrs, Lewis L. Delafield, Riterdale-on-Hudson, New York City, and those desiring to produce this piece must obtain in all cases permission to do so from her. 0CTg71«98 ) BW)0()Hi.:rir:CEIVED^ 2ncl CnT^Y, 1898. /<-•:- ■ {{u^v.nOeH^ W c^. PREFACE IT MA Y be interesting to lovers of ^^ Alice in Wonderland"" and^^ Through the Looking Glass'' to know how the thought of compiling a play from those stories suggested itself to me. In i8go^ while visiting Japan^ I was invited to attend a performance^ by children^ of scenes from the former book. I went re- ludantly, fearing a travesty on familiar characters. I came away delighted with the entertainment^ and feeling that until then I had only half under stood the clever- ness of the book. There were but few Eng- lish children in Yokohama who could be called upon to ady and the preparations were necessarily very crude. When^ therefore^ I was ask&d to suggest some- thing new to be given for the benefit of the Society of Decorative Arty on the anniversary of the opening of the Wal- Tt PREFACE dorf^ March /^, iSgy^ I determined to compile this play. As the work went on I found that it would add much to the dra- matic effed if I took scenes from both ^^ Alice in Wonderland'' and ^' Through the Looking Glass^'' and while appreci- ating fully the difficulty of my task^ I be- lieved that the interest aroused by seeing Alice herself and all the other familiar charaders in propria persona would more than atone for any shortcomings in my work. We formed our troupe of about sixty chil- dren^ varying in ages from four to twelve. The relative sizes for the different char- aders^ as well as the costumes^ we copied carefully from Tenniefs illustrations. These accompany all the different edi- tions of the books and can easily be ob- tained. The birds and animals were made of paper and paper-muslin andean- ton flannel^ which made excellent imita- PREFACE yii iions of feathers and skins. The Mouse was dressed in canton flannel and had a very long tail^ which was appropriate to its story. The heads of all the animals and birds were bought at a toy store for a very little money ^^ and were thin and light. The mouths which were closed we cut open J otherwise the voices would have been muffled. In Ad Ily where the Walrus and the Car- penter eat the oysters which were run in on wires ^ the oysters were painted with small human heads coming out of the shells which stood on end and hands thrown up as if protesting. The tea-party scene in Ad /F, where the Dormouse was turned head foremost by the March Hare and Hatter into a very large teapot, brought down the house. The dance in Ad VI ^ in which all the ani- mals take part who have entered after the song by the Mock Turtle^ was very pretty. vni PREFACE In the last ady instead of the curtain ris- ing after the royal party and court were seated^ we formed a procession of all the animals^ birds^ courtiers and attendants^ which entered after the curtain rose. They marched round the stage, all those not taking an adive part forming a group behind the chairs of the King and Queen. This brought on all the characters of the play and made a very effedive scene. For the resty we carried out the stage di- redions as given. These had been care- fully thought outy and have since on two occasions pradically proved to be good. We taught the children thoroughly their parts y and left to them the interpretation of the charadersy with^ we thought^ bet- ter results than if we had imposed our ideals upon them. But of course we chose our little troupe with care. The chil- dren thoroughly enjoyed the rehearsals ^ learned how to use their voices and to PREFACE IX enunciate distindly^ and showed the great- est cleverness in their ading. We had ever!/ reason to feel pleased at the in- terest shown by the audience in the play. Emily Prime Delafield. CHARA C TERS Alice Frog'Footman Queen Gryphon King Walrus Duchess Carpenter Knave Cheshire Cat Executioner Two of Spades Tweedledee Five of Spades Tweedledum Seven of Spades Humpty Dumpty Magpie Hatter Eagle Dormouse Duck March Hare Dodo White Rabbit Lory Caterpillar Jabberwock Mock Turtle Knight Fish-Footman Crocodile Mouse * Three Judges The. '^eerCs Four Children A Herald Jurors^ Ladies-in- Waiting^ ^c. ACTS ACT FIRST The Garden — Alice and the Animals — The Mouse* s Story ACT SECOND Tweedledum and Tweedledee — The Fish-Footman and Frog-Footman — The Cheshire Cat, ACT THIRD The Caterpillar and Alice — Humpty Dumpty — The Jabberwock Song. ACT FOURTH The Tea Party — March Hare — Hatter — Dor- mouse, ACT FIFTH The ^eens Croquet Party — Procession, ACT SIXTH The Gryphon and Mock Turtle — The Lobster S^uadrille, ACT SEVENTH The Trial. f Who cares for you ? You 're nothing hut a pack of cards. «.. ALICE IN WONDERLAND ACT I A GARDEN Scene. Flowers and wall be- hind^ and hedge in distance through which there is a hole, Alice asleep under a tree. White Rabbit hurriedly enters^ splendidly dressed^ with fan and gloves in his hands. Large tree at left^ facing stage ^ in which is a slide where ^ later in the play,, the Cheshire Cat appears. WHITE RABBIT Oh dear ! Oh dear ! I shall be too late ! {Alice wakens; Rabbit looks at watch,'] Oh, my dear paws ! Oh, my fur and whiskers, how late it is getting: Oh, the Duchess, the Duchess! Won't she be savage if I have kept her waiting. She'll get me executed as sure as ferrets are ferrets. ALICE \in timid voice] If you please. Sir — [White Rabbit starts and drops fan and gloves^ which Alice picks up. Rab- bit disappears through a hole under the hedge seen in the distance and is followed by Alice. Alice comes 2 A L I C E -I N [Act I back out of breath and throws herself down on the bank.'] Dear, dear! How queer everything is to- day! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I Ve been changed in the night ? Let me think : Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feel- ing a little different. But if I 'm not the same, the next question is, who in the world am I ? Ah, that 's the great puzzle ! [Sits down and thinks\ I wonder if I can remember all the things I used to know. Let me see : four times five is twelve, and four times six is thirteen, and four times seven is — oh dear ! I shall never get to twenty at that rate ! However, the Mul- tiplication Table don't signify : let 's try Geog- raphy. London is the capital of Paris, and Paris is the capital of Rome, and Rome — no, thafs all wrong, I 'm certain ! I '11 try and say " How doth the little" — \Crosses her hands on her lap and in a hoarse voice says .*] How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale. \Enter the Crocodile^ who dances before her and opens and shuts his mouth and spreads his claws^ while Alice recites the last verse ^ and backs grad- ually off the stage ^ Act I] WONDERLAND 3 How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in With gently smiling jaws! [^Enter the Mouse while Alice recites last verse^ runs in a great hurry across the stage appearing preoccupied and not noticing Alice ^ I 'm sure those are not the right words. \Sees the Mouse.] I wonder if I could speak to the Mouse; I suppose mice can talk — things are so queer down here. [Aloud, to Mouse,] Mouse, dear, will you tell me the way out of here ? [Mouse Jumps when Alice speaks to him, and runs out. Alice be- gins to cry. Splashing in the water is heard in the distance^ Why, it must be a walrus or hippo- potamus to make such a noise. [Mouse runs in again followed, in single file, by Duck, Dodo, Lory, and an Eaglet and other animals, all wet.] Dear me ! Here is Noah's ark. Mouse, dear, why are they all so wet ? MOUSE Ask these gentlemen. EAGLET Here we are so wet ; how are we to get dry ? MOUSE Sit down, all of you, and listen to me ! I '11 soon niake you dry enough. [All sit in a ring. Mouse 4 A L I C E ' I N [Act I in centre,^ Ahem ! Are you all ready ? This is the driest thing I know. Silence all round. "William the Conqueror, whose cause was favoured by the pope, was soon submitted to by the English, who wanted leaders, and had been of late much accustomed to usurpation and conquest." LORY Ugh! MOUSE \_politely frowning\ I beg your pardon ! Did you speak ? LORY I? MOUSE I thought you did, — I proceed. "Edwin and Mercer, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him ; and even Stigand, the patri- otic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advis- able" — DUCK Found what — MOUSE \cro5sly\ Found it; of course you know what "it" means. DUCK I know what "it" means well enough when I find anything ; it's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find ? Act I] WONDERLAND 5 MOUSE Find? Found it advisable to do just what he wanted to. [T'urning to Alice.'\ How are you get- ting on ? A L I C E [/;/ <^ melancholy tone~\ You see they are just as wet as ever ; it doesn't seem to dry them at all. DODO I move the meeting adjourn for the adoption of energetic remedies. EAGLET Speak English. I don't know the meaning of half those long words and what's more I don't believe you do either. Bends down his head to hide a smile, 'The other birds titter audibly, DODO What I was going to say, was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race. ALICE What is a Caucus-race ? DODO The best way to explain it is to do it. Are you ready ? Music, Dodo marks out a course; all race and come out alike. All crowd around him and ask : 6 A L I C E • I N [Act I ALL Who has won ? Dodo puts Jinger on his forehead^ in the position you usually see Shakespeare^ in the piBures of him. DODO Everybody has won, and all must have prizes. CHORUS But who is to give the prizes? DODO \_pointing at Alice'] Why, she^ of course. All crowd round Alice .,c ailing^ " Prizes ! Prizes ! " Alice pulls out box of candies^ and hands them round as prizes, 'There is exaSlly one apiece^ all round. MOUSE But she must have a prize herself. DODO Of course. [Tl? Alice?[ What else have you got in your pocket ? ALICE Only a thimble. DODO Hand it over here. \All crowd round Alice, Dodo solemnly presents the thimble to Alice ^ say- ing i^ I beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble. Act I] WONDERLAND 7 All cheer. Mouse begins to run away. Alice calls him back, ALICE Mouse ! Mouse ! You promised to tell me your history. \Mouse does not return^ ALL ^^persuasively^ Do please come back and tell us a story. ALICE I wish I had Dinah here. She'd soon fetch it back. ALL Who is Dinah ? ALICE Dinah's our cat. And she's such a capital one for catching mice. And, oh, I wish you could see her after the birds ! Why, she'll eat a little bird as soon as look at it ! T'his speech causes a remarkable sensation among the party. Some of the birds hurry off at once ; one old Magpie begins wrapping itself up 'very care- fully^ remarking: MAGPIE I really must be getting home : the night-air does n't suit my throat. Come away, my dears ! It's high time you were all in bed. On various pretexts they all move off^ and Alice is soon left alone. 8 A L I C E • I N [Act I ALICE SJialf crying] I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah! Nobody- seems to Hke her down here. Mouse, dear, do come back, I won't talk of Dinah any more. Begins to cry. Mouse returns^ followed by all the birds, MOUSE Mine is a long, sad tale. ALICE [looking at Mouse's tail"] It 's a very long one, but why a sad one ? MOUSE Here is my story : Fury said to a mouse. That he met in the house, " Let us both go to law : I will prosecute you, — Come, I'll take no denial ; We must Act I] WONDERLAND have a trial : For really this morning I've nothing to do." Said the mouse to the cur, "Such a trial, dear sir. With no jury or judge would be wasting our breath." "Til be judge, rube jury," Said cunning old Fury : "I'll try 10 A L I C E . I N [Act I the whole cause, and condemn you to death." They all go off the stage^ two and two^ keeping time with their index fingers pointed^ while saying from "111 try the whole cause." Alice watches them. Curtain falh. ACT II DR OP sce/ie in back of the stage. Sea with sand beach and rocks to left on stage, T'weedledum and T^weedledee sidle in under a tree with their arms round each other s neck^ and Alice knows which is which ^ because one has "JDZTM" em- broidered on his collar^ and the other ''''DEE" ALICE [examining them'] I suppose they have "TWEEDLE" on the back of their collar. Tweedledee and "Tweedledum stand very stilly when Alice is startled by hearing a voice coming from the one marked " DUMy TWEEDLEDUM If you think we're wax-works, you ought to pay, you know. Wax-works weren't made to be looked at for nothing. Nohow ! TWEEDLEDEE Contrariwise, if you think we're alive, you ought to speak. ALICE [apologetically] I 'm sure I 'm very sorry. [Aside,] I cannot help thinking of the old song : 12 A L I C E • I N [Act II "Tweedledum and Tweedledee Agreed to have a battle ; For Tweedledum said Tweedledee Had spoiled his nice new rattle. Just then flew down a monstrous crow, As black as a tar-barrel ; Which frightened both the heroes so, They quite forgot their quarrel." TWEEDLEDU M I know what you're thinking about, but it isn't so, nohow. TWEEDLEDEE Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be ; and if it were so, it would be ; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic. ALICE I was thinking, which is the best way out of this wood; it's getting so dark. Would you tell me, please ? \T^weedledum and T^weedledee look at one another and grin, Alice points her Jinger at 'Tweedledum?^ First Boy ! TWEEDLEDUM \briskly\ Nohow ! Shuts his mouth with a snap. Act II] WONDERLAND 13 ALICE \j)oints at Tweedledee^ Next Boy ! TWEEDLEDEE Contrariwise ! TWEEDLEDUM \jointing at Alice\ You Ve begun wrong ! The first thing in a visit is to say "How d'ye do?'' and shake hands. \IIere the two brothers give each other a hug and then they hold out the two hands that are free ^ to shake hands with Alice ^ who takes hold of both hands at once. All dance round in a ring; music plays: '''-Here we go round the Mulberry bush'^ I' hey suddenly leave off dancing. Music stops; they let go Alice's hands and stand looking at her very hard, Tweedledu?n pants^ out of breath^ Four times round is enough for one dance, ALICE I hope you're not much tired. TWEEDLEDUM Nohow. And thank you very much for asking. TWEEDLEDEE So much obliged. Do you like poetry ? ALICE Yes ! Some poetry. 14 A L I C E • I N [Act II TWEEDLEDUM Repeat to her "The Walrus and the Carpen- ter," that's the longest. Gives his brother an affeSlionate hug, TWEEDLEDEE Let's each read her a verse by turns. Here Alice interrupts, ALICE \douhtfully\ If it 's very long, would you please tell me first which road — T'weedledee and T'weedledum only smile and con- tinue without stopping, Enter the Walrus and the Carpenter^ who walk slowly round and round. Carpenter has a large basket on his arm in which are a loaf of breads pepper pot^ salt pot and a number of oyster shells^ off of which later they are supposed to eat the oysters. While the poem is re- cited^ oysters painted^ of different sixes ^ are run in on a wire across sea and pass out behind rocks ^ after all being massed on the stage. Four come in at verse vi, four more at verse viii, four more at first line of verse ix and then four and eight and eight all during verse ix. T!hey are massed on stage and do not go off until part leave at last two lines of verse xvii and then all the rest at verse xviii/ Act II] WONDERLAND 15 TWEEDLEDUM I The sun was shining on the sea. Shining with all his might ; He did his very best to make The billows smooth and bright — And this was odd, because it was The middle of the night. TWEEDLEDEE n The moon was shining sulkily. Because she thought the sun Had got no business to be there After the day was done — "It's very rude of him," she said, "To come and spoil the fun." TWEEDLEDUM HI The sea was wet as wet could be. The sands were dry as dry. You could not see a cloud, because No cloud was in the sky"; No birds were flying overhead — There were no birds to fly. TWEEDLEDEE IV The Walrus and the Carpenter Were walking close at hand ; i6 A L I C E • I N [Act II They wept like anything to see Such quantities of sand ; " If this were only cleared away," They said, "it would be grand/' TWEEDLEDUM V " If seven maidens with seven mops Swept it for half a year. Do you suppose," the Walrus said, " That they could get it clear ? " " I doubt it," said the Carpenter, And shed a bitter tear. TWEEDLEDEE VI "O Oysters, come and walk with us," J,!r:f "" The Walrus did beseech. " A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk. Along the briny beach ; We cannot do with more than four, To give a hand to each." TWEEDLEDUM VII The eldest Oyster looked at him. But never a word he said ; The eldest Oyster winked his eye. And shook his heavy head — Meaning to say he did not choose To leave the oyster-bed. Act II] WONDERLAND 17 TWEEDLEDEE VIII But four young Oysters hurried up, lEmerfouropters.^i All eager for the treat ; Their coats were brushed, their faces washed, Their shoes were clean and neat — And this was odd, because, you know, They hadn't any feet. TWEEDLEDUM IX Four other Oysters followed them, iEnterfouroysiers.:i And yet another four; lEnter/ourmore.-i And thick and fast they came at last, lEnter dght.^i And more, and more, and more — [£«<.r«^Ar.] All hopping through the frothy waves. And scrambling to the shore. TWEEDLEDEE X The Walrus and the Carpenter Walked on a mile or so, And then they rested on a rock Conveniently low ; And all the little Oysters stood And waited in a row. Walrus and Carpenter sit down, TWEEDLEDUM XI "The time has come,'' the Walrus said, "To talk of many things; x8 A L I C E • I N [Act 11 Of shoes — and ships — and sealing wax — Of cabbages — and kings — And why the sea is boiling hot — And whether pigs have wings." TWEEDLEDEE XII "But wait a bit," the Oysters cried, " Before we have our chat ; For some of us are out of breath. And all of us are fat ! " " No hurry ! " said the Carpenter. They thanked him much for that. TWEEDLEDUM XIII "A loaf of bread," the Walrus said, " Is what we chiefly need ; Pepper and vinegar besides Are very good indeed — Now if you're ready, Oysters dear. We can begin to feed." Carpenter hands Walrus loaf of bread and shows him one immense pepper pot and one salt pot; the last two are stood in the rocks between them. Wal- rus cuts off slice of bread, TWEEDLEDEE XIV " But not on us ! " the Oysters cried. Turning a little blue. Act II] WONDERLAND 19 "After such kindness, that would be A dismal thing to do ! " "The night is fine," the Walrus said. " Do you admire the view ? TWEEDLEDUM XV " It was so kind of you to come ! And you are very nice ! " The Carpenter said nothing but " Cut us another slice ; I wish you were not quite so deaf — I Ve had to ask you twice ! " TWEEDLEDEE XVI " It seems a shame," the Walrus said, "To play them such a trick. After weVe brought them out so far. And made them trot so quick ! " The Carpenter said nothing but " The butter 's spread too thick ! " TWEEDLEDUM XVII " I weep for you," the Walrus said ; "I deeply sympathize," With sobs and tears he sorted out Those of the largest size, iExit^omeopters.-\ Holding his pocket-handkerchief Before his streaming eyes. 20 A L I C E 'I N [Act II TWEEDLEDEE XVIII O Oysters," said the Carpenter, [exu aii the opter,.-] "You've had a pleasant run ! Shall we be trotting home again ? " But answer came there none — And this was scarcely odd, because They'd eaten every one. ALICE I like the Walrus best, because he was a little sorry for the poor oysters. TWEEDLEDEE He ate more than the Carpenter, though. You see he held his handkerchief in front, so that the Carpenter couldn't count how many he took. ALICE That was mean ! Then I like the Carpenter best. TWEEDLEDEE But he ate as many as he could get. ALICE Well ! They were both very unpleasant char- afters — [Here she stops ^ alarmed at seeing it grow darker?^ Do you think it is going to rain ? Act II] WONDERLAND 21 'Tweedledum spreads a large carriage umbrella over himself and his brother and looking up from under it^ says: TWEEDLEDUM No, I don't think it is; at least — not under here. Nohow. But it may rain outside. TWEEDLEDEE It may— if it chooses, weVe no objeftion. Contrariwise. ALICE \_aside'\ Selfish things. I 'd better go. Starts to leave ^ when Tweedledum springs from under the umbrella and seizes her by the wrist, TWEEDLEDUM {pointing to a small thing lying under the tree~\ Do you see that ? ALICE [_after examining the thing carefully] It's only a rattle \she adds hastily^ not a rattle- snake, you know. TWEEDLEDUM I knew it was. Stamps about and tears his hair; here he looks at Tweedledee^ who sits down on the ground and tries to hide himself under the umbrella, ALICE \laying her hand on his arm\ You needn't be so angry about an old rattle. 22 A L I C E I N [Act II TWEEDLEDUM [very angry'\ But it isn't old ! It's new, I tell you — I bought it yesterday. My nice new rattle. His voice rises to a scream. All this time 'Twee die- dee tries his best to fold up the umbrella with him- self in it; he ends by rolling over^ bundled up in the umbrella^ with his head out; and he lies there opening and shutting his mouth and his large eyes, ALICE \aside^ looking at him\ Well ! You look more like a fish than anything else. TWEEDLEDUM [to Tweedledee'] Of course you agree to have a battle. TWEEDLEDEE [sulkily'] Well ! I suppose so. [^Crawling quite out of um- brella?^ Only she must help to dress up, you know. Tweedledum and Tweedledee go off^ hand-in-hand^ into the wood^ and return with their arms full of things^ — bolsters, blankets, hearth-rugs, table-cloths, dish-covers and coal-scuttles, prepared so that they can be tied on, and one long wooden sword, TWEEDLEDUM I hope you're a good hand at pinning and tying strings ; every one of these things has got to go on somehow or other. Act II] WONDERLAND 23 Alice dresses them up in all the things until they look like bundles, ALICE {cisidel Really, they look more like bundles of old clothes than anything else. \Alice arranges a bolster round the neck of T'weedledee^ sayings aside ^ This is to keep his head from being cut off. TWEEDLEDEE \yery gravely] You know it's one of the most serious things that can possibly happen in battle to get one's head cut off. Alice laughs^ but manages to turn it into a cough. Tweedledum comes up to have his helmet tied on. TWEEDLEDUM Do I look very pale ? ALICE \in a low tone] Well — yes — a little. TWEEDLEDUM [in a low voice] I 'm very brave generally, only to-day I happen to have a headache. TWEEDLEDEE And I Ve got a toothache ! I 'm far worse than you. ALICE Igently] Then I would n't fight to-day, if I were you. 24 A L I C E -I N [Act II TWEEDLEDU M ~~~ We must have a bit of a fight, but I don't care about going on long. What's the time now? Tweedledee pulls out big turnip watch. TWEEDLEDEE [looking at watch'\ Half-past four. TWEEDLEDUM Let's fight till six and then have dinner, and she [pointing to Alice] can v^atch us — only you 'd better not come very close; I generally hit everything I can see — when I get really ex- cited. Whirls round and round with sword stretched out just missing everything. T WEEDLEDEE And I hit everything within reach, whether I see it or not. ALICE [laughsl You must hit the trees pretty often, I should think. TWEEDLEDUM [looks round with a satisfied smile\ I don't suppose there'll be a tree left standing for ever so far round, by the time we've fin- ished. Act II] WONDERLAND 25 ALICE And all about a rattle ! I should feel ashamed to fight about such a trifle. TWEEDLEDUM I should not have minded so much, if it hadn't been a new one. [T'o his brother^ There's only one sword, you know, but you can have the umbrella- — it's quite as sharp — only we must begin quickly. It's getting as dark as it can. ALICE Why, who is this ? Enter Fish-Footman with very large letter^ sealed, Frog-Footman comes forward from behind the trees ^ and takes the note, FISH For the Duchess, — where is the Duchess? An invitation from the Queen to play croquet. Fish-Footman goes off the stage. FROG From the Queen, an invitation to play croquet. TWEEDLEDUM and TWEEDLE- D E E \to one another^ And we're not asked ; what an insult. Begin to cry ; go off the stage followed by Frog-Foot- man ; Alice remains. Head of Cheshire Gat appears among branches of tree. 26 A L I C E • I N [Act II ALICE [lo herself] I wonder what became of the baby that turned into a pig. If it has grown up — [sees head of Puss'\ Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to walk from here ? CAT That depends a good deal upon where you want to go to. ALICE I don't much care where. CAT Then it doesn't matter which way you walk. ALICE So long as I get somewhere. CAT Oh, you 're sure to do that if you '11 walk long enough. ALICE What sort of people live about here ? CAT In that direction [pointing to the right"] lives a Hatter ; and in that dire6lion [pointing to the left] lives a March Hare — visit either you like, they're both mad. ALICE But I don't want to go among mad people. Act II] WONDERLAND 27 CAT Oh, you can't help that; we're all mad here. I'm mad and you're mad. ALICE How do you know I 'm mad ? CAT Why, you must be or you would not have come here. ALICE And how do you know that you're mad? CAT Why, to begin with, a dog 's not mad ; you grant that ? ALICE I suppose so. CAT Well, then you see a dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I 'm angry, therefore, I 'm mad. ALICE I call it purring^ not growling. CAT Call it what you please. Do you play croquet with the Queen to-day.? 28 A L I C E I N [Act II ALICE I should like to very much, but I haven't been invited yet. CAT You'll see me there. [Cat vanishes^ by means of slide in tree. Cat reappears^ By-the-by, what be- came of the baby ? ALICE It turned into a pig. CAT I thought it w^ould. Cat vanishes, ALICE I've seen Hatters before, and a March Hare would be much the most interesting, and per- haps as this is May it won't be raving mad, at least not so mad as it was in March. CAT \reap'pearing\ Did you say pig, or fig ? ALICE I said pig, and I wish you wouldn't keep ap- pearing and vanishing so suddenly ; you make me quite giddy. CAT \yamshing slowly\ All right. Act II] WONDERLAND 29 ALICE Well ! I Ve often seen a cat without a grin, but a grin without a cat is the most astonishing thing that I Ve seen in all my life — what next ? Curtain falls. ACT ITT HUMPTT Dumpty sitting on the wall^ which is back and to right of stage ^ rolling from time to time as if he would roll off. Cater- pillar sitting on toad-stool at centre of stage s?noking a Hooka, Enter Alice who stands opposite Caterpil- lar and they look at one another. Mattrass behind the wall for Humpty Dumpty to fall on must not be seen, CATERPILLAR [contemptuously'] You ! Who are you ? ALICE [drawing herself up\ I think you ought to tell me who you are. CATERPILLAR Why ?[ Alice turns away crossly.] Come back ! I have something important to say. ALICE [aside] This sounds promising. 'Turns back, CATERPILLAR Now ! Keep your temper. ALICE [gulping as if controlling her anger] Is that all ? CATERPILLAR [puffing away at the pipe] So you think you are changed, do you ? Act III] WONDERLAND 31 ALICE I 'm afraid I am. Sir ; I can't remember things I used to. CATERPILLAR Can't remember what things ? ALICE \_melancholy~\ Well, I've tried to say "How doth the little busy bee," but it is all different. CATERPILLAR Repeat "You are old. Father William." ALICE "You are old, Father William, the young man said. And your hair has become very white ; And yet you incessantly stand on your head — Do you think, at your age, it is right ? " CATERPILLAR That is not said right. ALICE Not quite right, I'm afraid. CATERPILLAR \_decidedly'] It is wrong from beginning to end. ALICE \indignantly\ I have never been so contradifted in my life ; I am losing my temper. 32 A L I C E • I N [Act III CATERPILLAR [curls itself up on toad-stool^ pipe in its mouthy You ought to be content, then. Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall ; Alice sees him and goes over and looks at him, ALICE Humpty Dumpty himself. It can't be anybody else. I 'm as certain of it, as if his name were written all over his face. \IIumpty Dumpty^ with immovable face^ sitting with his legs crossed^ like a Turk,'] How exactly like an egg he is. HUMPTY DUMPTY It's very provoking, to be called an egg — very, ALICE I said you looked like an egg. Sir. And some eggs are very pretty, you know. HUMPTY DUMPTY Some people have no more sense than a baby. Alice stands as if not knowing what to do next; finally says softly to herself: ALICE " Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall ; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men Couldn't put Humpty Dumpty in his place again." Act III] WONDERLAND 33 That last line is much too long for the poetry. HUMPT Y DUMPTY Don't stand chattering to yourself like that, but tell me your name and your business. ALICE My name is Alice. HUMPT Y DUMPTY It's a stupid name enough! What does it mean? ALICE \_doubtfully\ Must a name mean something ? HUMPTY DUMPTY Of course it must ; my name means the shape I am — and a good handsome shape it is, too. With a name like yours, you might be any shape, almost. ALICE Why do you sit out here all alone ? HUMPTY DUMPTY Why, because there's nobody with me. Did you think I didn't know the answer to that^? Ask another. ALICE Don't you think you'd be safer down on the ground ? That wall is so very narrow. 34 A L I C E • I N [Act III HUMPTY DUMPTY What tremendously easy riddles you ask. [ Growls out in low voice,] Of course I don't think so. Why, if ever I did fall off — which there's no chance of — but if I did — [/lere he purses up his lips^ and looks so solemn and gra?id that Alice can hardly help laughing?^ If I did fall, the King has prom- ised me — oh, you may turn pale, if you like. You didn't think I was going to say that, did you? The King has promised me — with his very own mouth — to — to — ALICE To send all his horses and all his men. HUMPTY DUMPTY Now I declare that's too bad. You've been lis- tening at doors — and behind trees — and down chimneys — or you couldn't have known it. ALICE I haven't indeed. It's in a book. HUMPTY DUMPTY Ah, well ! They may write such things in a book. That's what you call a History of Eng- land. Now, take a good look at me ! I 'm one that has spoken to a King, I am ; mayhap you '11 never see such another ; and to show you I 'm not proud, you may shake hands with me. \Smiles from ear to ear and nearly falls off the Act III] WONDERLAND 35 wall in taking Alice s liand.^ Yes, all his horses and all his men. They would pick me up again in a minute, they would. However, this con- versation is going on a little too fast; let's go back to the last remark but one. ALICE I'm afraid I can't quite remember it. HUMPTY DUMPTY In that case we start fresh, and it 's my turn to choose a subjeft. ALICE [aside] He talks about it just as if it were a game. HUMPTY DUMPTY Well, here's a question for you. How old did you say you were .? ALICE \makes a short calculation on her finger s\ Seven years and six months. HUMPTY DUMPTY Wrong ! You never said a word like it. ALICE I thought you meant " How old are you \ " HUMPTY DUMPTY If I 'd meant that, I 'd have said it. \^Alice does not reply, '\ Seven years and six months. An un- 36 A L I C E . I N [Act III comfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked my advice, I 'd have said " Leave off at seven " — but it's too late now. ALICE I never ask advice about growing. HUMPTY DUMPTY Too proud. ALICE \_looking very indignant] I mean, that one can't help growing older. HUMPTY DUMPTY One can't, perhaps, but two can. With proper assistance you might have left off at seven. ALICE What a beautiful belt you've got on. At least, I mean, a beautiful cravat. I should have said — no, a belt, I mean — I beg your pardon. If only I knew, which was neck and which was waist. Humpty Dumpty looks very ang?y^ though he says nothing for a minute or two. When he does speak again^ it is in a deep growl. HUMPTY DUMPTY It's a most — provoking — thing, when a person doesn't know a cravat from a belt. ALICE I know it's very ignorant of me. Act III] WONDERLAND 37 HUMPTY DUMPTY It's a cravat, child, and a beautiful one, as you say. It's a present from the White King and Queen. There now ! ALICE Is it really ? HUMPTY DUMPTY They gave it to me [crosses one knee over the other and clasps his hands round it] they gave it me — for an un-birthday present. ALICE I beg your pardon. HUMPTY DUMPTY I 'm not offended. ALICE I mean, what is an un-birthday present? HUMPTY DUMPTY A present given when it isn't your birthday, of course. ALICE [thinks a little\ I like birthday presents best. HUMPTY DUMPTY You don't know what you are talking about ! How many days are there in a year ? 38 A L I C E • I N [Act III ALICE Three hundred and sixty-five. HUMPTY DUMPTY And how many birthdays have you ? ALICE One. HUMPTY DUMPTY And if you take one from three hundred and sixty-five, what remains? ALICE Three hundred and sixty-four, of course. HUMPTY DUMPTY That shows that there are three hundred and sixty-four days when you might get un-birth- day presents — ALICE Certainly. HUMPTY DUMPTY And only one for birthday presents, you know. There's glory for you. ALICE I don't know what you mean by " glory." HUMPTY DUMPTY [contemptuously'] Of course you don't — till I tell you. I meant "there 's a nice knock-down argument for you." Act III] WONDERLAND 39 ALICE But "glory" doesn't mean "a nice knock-down argument." HUMPTY DUMPTY When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less. ALICE \in a thoughtful tone] That's a great deal to make one word mean. HUMPTY DUMPTY The question is, which is to be master. That 's all. Good-bye. ALICE Good-bye, till we meet again. HUMPTY DUMPTY I shouldn't know you again if we did meet [giving her one of his fingers to shake] ; you're so exaftly like other people. ALICE \jhakes his finger] The face is what one goes by, generally. HUMPTY DUMPTY That's just what I complain of. Your face is the same as everybody has — the two eyes, so [mark- ing their places in the air with his thumb^ nose in the middle, mouth under. It's always the same. But if you had the two eyes on the same side 40 A L I C E • I N [Act III of the nose, for instance — or the mouth at the top — that would be some help. ALICE It wouldn't look nice. HUMPTY DUMPTY Wait till youVe tried. Alice waits to see if he will speak again^ but as he never opens his eyes or takes any further notice of her^ she says " Good-bye ! " once more^ and getting no answer to this^ runs off to the rights but stops ^ seeing a book lying on the ground^ picks it up and turns over the leaves to find some part she can read but finds none. ALICE It is all in some language I don't know. \Pu'z- zles over it and then exclaims ;] To be sure, it 's a looking-glass book ! I must read it backwards. CATERPILLAR Give it to me. You're stupid. IReads^l I 'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe ; All mimsy were the borogoves. And the mome raths outgrabe. \^At end of each verse turns to Alice and explains ;] Brillig means four o'clock in the morning, you Act III] WONDERLAND 41 know. The time when you begin broiling things for dinner. yabberwock comes in; moves slowly round and round towards the hack of stage ^ and then goes out again, II Beware the Jabberwock, my son ! The jaws that bite, the claws that catch ! Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun The frumious Bandersnatch ! The jabberwock suddenly runs in pursued by Knight, Humpty Dumpty sitting upon a wall, III He took his vorpal sword in hand ; Long time the manxome foe he sought — So rested he by the Tumtum tree, And stood a while in thought. IV And as in uffish thought he stood, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came whiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came ! V One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack ! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back. 42 A L I C E . I N [Act III ALICE Explain ! Explain ! CATERPILLAR Well, " slithy " means " lithe and slimy," " lithe" is the same as " a6live." It 's like a portmanteau. There are two meanings packed in one word. But you're too stupid for me [contemptuous ly\. Crash is heard and Humpty Dumpty falls off the wall backwards on a mattrass out of sight behind the wall. Curtain falls. ACT IV GARDEN Scene, There is a table set under the trees a little to the rights slightly back of stage ^ with an arm-chair at the end to the left^ and four chairs at the side facing the audience^ another arm-chair to the right at the end^ the table littered with cups and saucers^ a pitcher of milk^ a big teapot in the middle and bread and butter to left. The March Hare and the Hatter are having tea at the table; the Dormouse is sitting between them fast asleep and the other two are using it as a cushion^ resting their elbows on it^ and talking over its head, Enter Alice who walks towards the table and says : ALICE Very uncomfortable for the Dormouse, only, as it's asleep, I suppose it doesn't mind. ALL THREE [March Hare, Hatter and Dor- mouse to Alice~\ No room ! No room ! ALICE There 's plenty of room ! Sits down in a large arm-chair at one end of the table, MARCH HARE \in encouraging tone"] Have some wine ? 44 A L I C E I N [Act IV ALICE I don't see any wine. MARCH HARE There isn't any. ALICE Then it wasn't very civil of you to offer it. MARCH HARE It wasn't very civil of you to sit down without being invited. ALICE I didn't know it was your table ; it's laid for a great many more than three. HATTER Your hair wants cutting. He has been looking at Alice for some time with great curiosity^ and this is his first speech, ALICE You should learn not to make personal re- marks. It's very rude. Hatter opens his eyes very wide on hearing this, HATTER Why is a raven like a writing desk ? ALICE \_aside\ Come, we shall have some fun now ! I am glad they have begun asking riddles — \to Hatter^ I believe I can guess that. Act IV] WONDERLAND 45 MARCH HARE Do you mean you think you can find out the answer to it ? ALICE Exactly so. MARCH HARE Then you should say what you mean. ALICE I do, at least I mean what I say — that's the same thing, you know. HATTER Not the same thing a bit ! Why, you might just as well say that I see what I eat is the same thing as I eat what I see. MARCH HARE You might just as well say that I like what I get is the same as I get what I like. DORMOUSE [who seems to he talking in his sleep\ You might just as well say that I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as I sleep when I breathe. HATTER It is the same thing with you. \All sit silent for a littk while,'] What day of the month is it ? 46 A L I C E • I N [Act IV Takes his watch out of his pocket and looks at it uneasily^ shaking it every now and then^ and holding it to his ear. ALICE \thinks a little'] The fourth. HATTER Two days wrong ! I told you butter wouldn't suit the works ! MARCH HARE It was the best butter. HATTER Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn't have put it in with the bread- knife. 'The March Hare takes the watch and looks at it gloomily ; then he dips it into his cup of tea ^ and looks at it again. MARCH HARE It was the best butter, you know. Alice has been looking over the shoulder of March Hare with some curiosity. ALICE What a funny watch ! It tells the day of the month and doesn't tell what o'clock it is. HATTER Why should it ? Does your watch tell you what year it is ? Act IV] WONDERLAND 47 ALICE Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a long time together. HATTER Which is just the case with mine. ALICE [looks dreadfully puzzled^ I don't quite understand you. HATTER The Dormouse is asleep again. Pours a little tea on his nose. The Dormouse shakes his head impatiently, DORMOUSE Of course, of course ; just what I was going to remark myself. HATTER Have you guessed the riddle yet ? ALICE No, I give it up ; what's the answer? HATTER I haven't the slightest idea. ALICE I think you might do something better with the time, than wasting it in asking riddles that have no answers. 48 A L I C E . I N [Act IV HATTER If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't talk about wasting it. It 's him. ALICE I don't know what you mean. HATTER Of course you don't ! I dare say you never even spoke to Time. ALICE Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music. HATTER Ah ! that accounts for it. He won't stand beat- ing. Now if you only kept on good terms with him, he'd do almost anything you liked with the clock. For instance, suppose it were nine in the morning, just time to begin lessons : you'd only have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling. Half- past one, time for dinner ! MARCH H A R E [/// whisper'] I only wish it was. ALICE That would be grand, certainly, but then — I shouldn't be hungry for it, you know. Act IV] WONDERLAND 49 HATTER Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past one as long as you liked. ALICE Is that the way you manage ? HATTER [shakes his head mournfully^ Not I. We quarrelled last March — just before he went mad, you know — \potnting with his tea- spoon at the March Hare] it was at the great con- cert given by the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing "Twinkle, twinkle, little bat ! How I wonder what you 're at ! " ALICE It goes on, you know, in this way : " Up above the world you fly, Like a tea-tray in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle — " Here the Dormouse shakes himself^ and begins sing- ing in his sleeps "Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle — " and goes on so long that they have to pinch him to make him stop, HATTER Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse, when the Queen bawled out "He's murdering the time ! Off with his head ! " 50 A L I C E . I N [Act IV ALICE How dreadfully savage. HATTER And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask. It's always six o'clock now. ALICE Is that the reason so many tea-things are put out here ? HATTER Yes, that 's it ; it 's always tea-time, and we 've no time to wash the things between whiles. ALICE Then you keep moving round, I suppose ? HATTER Exaftly so ; as the things get used up. ALICE But when you come to the beginning again ? MARCH HARE Suppose we change the subjeft. I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a story. ALICE \rather alarmed at the proposal~\ I 'm afraid I don't know one. March Hare and Hatter shake the Dormouse, Act IV] WONDERLAND 51 ALL ~~ Then the Dormouse shalL Wake up, Dormouse. Dormouse slowly opens his eyes, DORMOUSE I was n't asleep, I heard every word you fellows were saying. MARCH HARE Tell us a story ! ALICE Yes, please do. HATTER And be quick about it, or you '11 be asleep again before you begin. DORMOUSE [beginning in great hurry] Once upon a time there were three little sisters ; and their names were Elsie, Lucie and Tillie ; and they lived at the bottom of a well — ALICE What did they live on ? DORMOUSE \_afler thinking a moment'] They lived on treacle. ALICE They couldn't have done that, you know: they'd have been ilL 52 A L I C E . I N [Act IV DORMOUSE So they were, very ill. Dormouse constantly goes to sleep while telling his story and is shaken up by March Hare and Hatter. ALICE Why did they live at the bottom of a well ? MARCH HARE \yery earnestly^ Take some more tea. ALICE IVe had nothing yet, so I can't take more. HATTER You mean, you can't take less ; it 's very easy to take more than nothing. ALICE Nobody asked your opinion. HATTER {triumphantly'] Who 's making personal remarks now ? Alice does not quite know what to say to this ; so she helps herself to some tea and bread and butter^ and then turns to the Dormouse^ and repeats her ques- tion, ALICE Why did they live at the bottom of the well ? Dormouse takes a minute or two to think about it. Act IV] WONDERLAND 53 DORMOUSE It was a treacle-well. ALICE [very angrily] There's no such thing. Hatter and March Hare say ^^Sh ! sh !'^ and the Dormouse sulkily says : DORMOUSE If you can't be civil, you'd better finish the story for yourself. ALICE \yery humbly] No, please go on ! I won't interrupt again. I dare say there may be one, DORMOUSE {indignantly] One, indeed ! And so these three little sisters — they were learning to draw, you know — ALICE What did they draw? DORMOUSE Treacle. HATTER I want a clean cup, let's all move one place on. T^he Hatter upsets the milk-cup as he moves and the Dormouse follows him; the March Hare moves into the Dormouse's place ^ and Alice rather unwillingly takes the place of the March Hare, The Hatter is 54 A L I C E ■ I N [Act IV the only one who gets any advantage from the change ; and Alice is a good deal worse ojf than before 'for the March Hare has just upset the milk-jug into his plate, ALICE But I don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from ? HATTER You can draw water out of a water-well ; so I should think you could draw treacle out of a treacle-well, eh, stupid ? ALICE But they were in the well. DORMOUSE Of course they were — well in. They were learning to draw \yawning and rubbing his eyes^ for he was getting very sleepy\ and they drew all manner of things — ^^every thing that begins with an M— ALICE Why with an M ? MARCH HARE Why not ? Dormouse begins going off into a doze^ but^ on being pinched by the Hatter^ he wakes up again with a little shriek^ and goes on. Act IV] WONDERLAND 55 DORMOUSE — that begins with an M, such as mousetraps, and the moon and memory, and muchness — you know you say things are "much of a much- ness" — -did you ever see such a thing as a draw- ing of a muchness ? ALICE [very much confused^ Really, now you ask me, I don't think — HATTER Then you shouldn't talk. This piece of rudeness is more than Alice can hear ; she gets up in great disgust^ and walks off; the Dor- mouse falls asleep instantly^ and neither of the others takes the least notice of her goings though she looks hack once or twice ^ half hoping that they will call after her ; the last time she sees them^ they are try- ing to put the Dormouse into the teapot^ which stands in front of him. Curtain falls. ACT V A GARDEN. Enter three gardeners with spades and walk up to a large standard rose-tree^ which is full of white roses. "They begin to paint them red. Enter Alice ^ who watches them curiously. TWO OF SPADES Look out now. Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that. FIVE OF SPADES \_sumif[ I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow. SEVEN OF SPADES That's right, Five. Always lay the blame on others. FIVE Toud better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded. TWO V^hatfor? SEVEN That 's none of your business, Two. FIVE Yes, it is his business — and I'll tell him — it was for bringing the cook tulip-roots instead of onions. Act V] WONDERLAND 57 SEVEN \throwing down his brush~\ Well — of all unjust things. Sees Alice ^ and suddenly stops. "The others look round also^ and all of them bow low. ALICE \timidly\ Would you tell me, please, why you are paint- ing those roses ? Five and Seven say nothing and look at Two. TWO [after slight pause ^ in a low tone'\ Why, the faft is, you see. Miss, this here ought to have been a red rose-tree, and we put a white one in by mistake ; and if the Queen was to find it out, we should all have our heads cut ofi\, you know. So you see. Miss, we're doing our best before she comes to — FIVE \who has been looking anxiously across the garden'] The Queen ! the Queen ! Two^ Five and Seven instantly throw themselves jlat on their faces round the rose-tree. ALICE \looking round eagerly] Yes, there they come. What a number of peo- ple ! I wonder whether I ought to throw my- self on my face, like the three gardeners ! I can't remember if there is such a rule at pro- cessions. And besides, what would be the use 58 A L I C E. I N [Act V of a procession if people had to lie down on their faces, so that they couldn't see it? No, I '11 stand here and wait ! Tramp of feet is heard behind scene as of many peo- ple passings also beat of drum^ and fife ^ and blast of trumpet, "Enter Queen of Hearts^ King of Hearts^ Executioner and procession. Procession moves across the stage. Children of the Queen^ ladies in waitings ofiicers of the Courts preceded by four heralds with trumps,, all to be dressed like a pack of cards. King and Queen leave the procession and come towards the rose-tree. Executioner in the background with axe, QUEEN \to gardeners'] Get up ! [Seeing Alice,"] Who are you? What's your name, child ? ALICE \_poUtely^ somewhat tremulously'] My name is Alice, so please your Majesty. QUEEN And who are these? ALICE How should / know ? It's no business of mine. QUEEN \_glares at her and screams] Off with her head ! Off with her head ! ALICE Nonsense ! Don't talk rubbish. Act V] WONDERLAND 59 KING \timidly to Queen] Consider, my dear. She is only a child ! Q U E E N ^ \_pointing to gardeners] Turn them over. [^Ki?7g carefully turns them over^ one by one^ with his feet, 7u'^, Five and Seven jump up and bow to King^ Queen and Alice ^ without stop- ping^ Leave that off! You make me giddy. \Looks at rose-tree,] What have you been doing here ? TWO Ingoing down on one knee^ humbly] May it please your Majesty, v^e were trying — QUEEN I see ! Off with their heads ! 'The three gardeners run behind Alice for protection, ALICE You shan't be beheaded. QUEEN \jhouting and going off the stage] Are their heads off? EXECUTIONER [shouting] Their heads are gone, if it please your Majesty. QUEEN \nearly off stage, still shouting] Can you play croquet, Alice ? ALICE [shouting] Yes! 6o A L I C E • 1 N [Act V QUEEN [roaring'] Come on, then ! I invite you to my croquet party. 'Exeunt Queen ^ King^ Executioner and procession. ALICE Oh dear! I don't think I'll follow her — at least, not yet! She's sure to want to cut my head off. What a temper she has, to be sure. Heigho ! Why, what is that ? \_Looks up and sees the grin of the Cheshire Cat in the tree to left of the stage.] It's a grin — no, it isn't — yes, it is — why, it's the Cheshire Cat ! This is nice ! Now I shall have somebody to talk to. CAT How are you getting on ? ALICE lasideli I must wait till the eyes appear — oh, here they are ! It's no use speaking to it, though, till its ears have come, or at least one of them. CAT [head appearing sideways^ only one ear showing] There, that's all you will see of me just now. That's quite enough for to-day. Now, how are you getting on at the croquet party ? ALICE Well, I haven't been there yet, and, to tell you the truth, I don't much care to go. The Queen Act V] WONDERLAND 6i quarrels so dreadfully with everybody, that I am quite afraid of her. CAT How do you like the Queen ? ALICE Not at all. She's so extremely — Writer King hurriedly, KING \not seeing head of Cheshire Cai\ Who are you talking to, pray ? And why don't you come to play croquet with the Queen ? She'll be so angry, she'll have your head off if she finds you here. \Seeing Cat] What is that you are talking to ? ALICE It's a friend of mine — a Cheshire Cat. Allow me to introduce it. KING I don't like the look of it at all. However, it may kiss my hand if it likes. CAT I 'd rather not. KING l^geuing behind Alice] Don't be impertinent — and don't look at me like that. 62 A L I C E . I N [Act V ALICE "A cat may look at a king." I've read that in some book, but I don't remember where. KING Well, it must be removed, that's all I know. [Enter Queen, 'To the Queen,'] My dear, I wish you would have this Cat removed. I don't like it. QUEEN Off with his head ! KING I thought you would say so. I '11 go and fetch the Executioner myself. Exit King. ALICE I say, don't you think you had better go home ? CAT No, I don't mind. I'll stay where I am, I think. Thank you all the same, though. QUEEN [impatiently^ looking in direction where the King went off~\ What a long time they are coming. E?2ter King and Executioner, KING I've run so hard, I'm quite out of breath. Here he is, my dear, here he is ! Pray repeat your commands. •» Act V] WONDERLAND 63 QUEEN \_poinHng to Cafs head~\ Off with his head ! EXECUTIONER Where is he ? I don't see him. In faft, I can't see anybody. QUEEN Don't you see the Cat, you stupid man ? KING Can't you see him up there, grinning as large as Hfe ? ALICE lasidel Poor Cheshire Cat ! It's all over with him, I'm afraid. EXECUTIONER [jeeing Cat] Him ! CAT \benignly'] Yes, old fellow, they mean me. Look hard at me, while you're about it. KING Yes, that Cat. QUEEN Don't you understand English ? EXECUTIONER Yes, I do ! What then ? 64 A L I C E . I N [Act V QUEEN You're to chop his head off. EXECUTIONER I can't. QUEEN You can't ? KING [faintly'] He can't. CAT \_quietly~\ I thought as much. EXECUTIONER No, I can't. And what's more, I won't, that's flat. A likely idea that ! KING What do you mean ? QUEEN How dare you ? ALICE lasUe] Oh, I'm so glad. EXECUTIONER I mean what I say. I can't. And I'll tell you why. This is my argument : You can't cut off a head unless there 's a body to cut it from ; that's nature, that is. I've never had such a thing to do before, and I 'm not going to begin at my time of life. Act V] WONDERLAND 65 KING Well, that may be your argument. And a very- poor one it is, to my idea. Now you look here — this is my argument — everything that's got a head can be beheaded. So don't talk nonsense, and do your duty. QUEEN Argument, indeed ! Fiddlesticks ! If something isn't done about this preposterous business in less than no time, I '11 have everybody executed all round. And that's my argument. ALICE Please your Majesty, the Cat belongs to the Duchess, hadn't you better ask her about it? Cat disappears, QUEEN [to King'] Yes, come. We must have the Duchess brought here at once. Exeunt, 'Enter the Duchess who tucks her arm af- fe5lionately into Alice's from behind and says^ close to her ear^ resting her chin on her shoulder : DUCHESS You're thinking about something, my dear, and that makes you forget to talk. I can't tell you just now what the moral of that is. ALICE Perhaps it hasn't one. 66 A L I C E. I N [Act V DUCHESS Tut, tut, child ! Everything's got a moral if only you can find it. Squeezes herself closer to Alice, who looks uncom- fortable. ALICE [timidly\ I think the Queen's croquet party is going on rather better now. DUCHESS 'Tis so, and the moral of that is — "Oh, 'tis love, 'tis love, that makes the world go round." ALICE [asidel Somebody said, that it's done by everybody minding their own business. DUCHESS Ah, well. It means much the same thing [digs her sharp little chin into Alice's shoulder^ and the moral of that is — "Take care of the sense, and the sounds will take care of themselves. "^ [Enter the Queen, Seeing her the Duchess's voice dies away and she begins to tremble, Alice looks up and sees the Queen, who is frowning like a thunderstorm, with her arms folded, 'The Duchess speaks in a frightened voice i\ A fine day, your Majesty. QUEEN Now, I give you fair warning [shouting and stamping on the ground^ that either you or your Act V] WONDERLAND 67 head must be off! Take your choice. [Duc/iess goes off in a hurry. Queen turning to A lice. ^ Have you seen the Mock Turtle yet? ALICE No, I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is. QUEEN It's the thing Mock Turtle Soup is made from. ALICE I never heard of one. QUEEN Come on, then, and he shall tell you his history. [T'urns to go out. Enter the Gryphon^ who lies down at one side of the stage and goes to sleepy Up, lazy thing, and take this young lady to see the Mock Turtle. I must go back and see after some ex- ecutions I have ordered. Curtain falls. ACT VI DROP sea scene back of stage. Trees in front left and right of stage. Rocks to left and right on stage with open space between lead- ing down to the water. Gryphon sitting up on rocks to left rubbing its eyes and chuckling ; Alice standing by. Mock Turtle on the rocks to the right weeping. GRYPHON What fun ! ALICE What is the fun ? GRYPHON Why the Queen. It's all her fancy, that ; they never execute nobody, you know. Come on ! \They walk up to the Mock Turtle who looks at them with large eyes filled with tears ^ but says nothing. Gryphon to Turtle?^ This here young lady, she wants to know your history, she do. MOCK TURTLE p;/^ deep, hollow tons'] 1 11 tell it her ; sit down both of you, and don't speak a word till I have finished. No one speaks for a moment or two. ALICE {aside] I don't see how he can ever finish if he doesn't begin. % Act VI] WONDERLAND 69 Waits patiently, MOCK TURTLE {_with a deep sigK] Once I was a real Turtle. Silence for a moment, GRYPHON [occasionally'] Hjckrrh ! Mock Turtle sobs and sobs» Alice begins to get up and says : ALICE Thank you, Sir, for your interesting story. Sits down again as if she thinks there is more to come, MOCK TURTLE [still sohbing\ We went to school in the sea. The master was an old Turtle — we used to call him Tortoise — ALICE Why did you call him Tortoise, if he wasn't one? MOCK TURTLE [angrily] We called him Tortoise because he taught us ; really you are very dull. GRYPHON You ought to be ashamed of yourself for asking such a simple question. ^They both sit ajid look at Alice ^ who looks as if she would like to sink into the ground. Gryphon to Mock Turtle?^ Drive on, old fellow ! Don't be all day about it. 70 ALICE IN [Act VI MOCK TURTLE Yes, we went to school in the sea, though you mayn't believe it — ALICE I never said I didn't ! MOCK TURTLE You did. [Mock T'ur tie goes on with his story.] We had the best of educations — in faft, we went to school every day. ALICE Fve been to a day-school, too ; you needn't be so proud as all that. MOCK TURTLE [anxiously^ With extras? ALICE Yes, we learned French and music. MOCK TURTLE And washing ? ALICE [indignantly'] Certainly not ! MOCK TURTLE [in a tone of great relief] Ah! Then yours wasn't really a good school. Now at ours they had at the end of the bill, ^'French, music, and washing — extras." Act VI] WONDERLAND 71 ALICE You could not have wanted it much, living at the bottom of the sea. MOCK TURTLE [with a sigh] I couldn't afford to learn it. I only took the regular course. ALICE What was that ? MOCK TURTLE Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with ; and then the different branches of Arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification and De- rision. ALICE I never heard of " Uglification." What is it ? T'/ie Gryphon lifts up both its paws with surprise, GRYPHON Never heard of uglifying ! You know what to beautify is, I suppose? ALICE \douhtfully\ It means — to — make anything — prettier. GRYPHON Well then, if you don't know what to uglify is, you are a simpleton. 72 A L I C E. I N [Act VI ALICE [turns to Mock 'Turtle^ What else had you to learn ? MOCK TURTLE That's enough about lessons — let's talk of games now. You may not have lived under the sea. ALICE I haven't. MOCK TURTLE Perhaps you were never even introduced to a lobster — ALICE I once tasted \stops confused^ continues hastily'] no, never. MOCK TURTLE So you have no idea what a delightful thing a Lobster-Quadrille is. ALICE No, indeed. What sort of a dance is it ? GRYPHON You first form into a line along the seashore — MOCK TURTLE Two lines. Seals, turtles, salmon, and so on ; then, when you've cleared all the jelly-fish out of the way — «^ Act VI] WONDERLAND 73 GRYPHON [interrupting] That generally takes some time. MOCK TURTLE [continuing\ — you advance twice — GRYPHON Each with a lobster as a partner. Makes a motion of dancing forward as if he had a lobster by the claw, MOCK TURTLE Of course; advance twice, set to partners — Mock Hurtle and Gryphon move back and forward as if in the figure of a quadrille, GRYPHON Change lobsters and retire in same order. MOCK TURTLE Then, you know, you throw the — GRYPHON \interruping\ Lobsters ! \With a shout and bound into the air.] Gryphon and Mock Turtle make motions as if throw- ing imaginary partners out to sea, MOCK TURTLE — as far out to sea as you can — GRYPHON \_with a scream] Swim after them. 74 A L I C E I N [Act VI Both rush towards the sea as if about to plunge in. Mock T^urtle makes believe turn a somersault^ and capers wildly about, MOCK TURTLE Turn a somersault in the sea. GRYPHON \_at the top of his voice] Change lobsters again. They move back from sea and towards one another^ as if about to go through ladies chain, MOCK TURTLE Back to land again, and — \drops his voice sud- denlyl that's the first figure. The two creatures^ who have been jumping about like mad things during this description^ sit down quietly a?jd sadly and look at Alice, ALICE It must be a very pretty dance. MOCK TURTLE [/^ Gryphon] Come, let's try the first figure. We can do it without lobsters, you know. Which shall sing ? GRYPHON Oh, you sing. I 've forgotten the words. All the animals and birds come in while the Gry- phon is speaking and form in a circle behind Alice ^ Act VI] WONDERLAND 75 the Gryphon and Mock T^urtle, After each verse they bend forward with their right hand to their ear and sing in chorus "Will you, won't you, won't you join the dance." At the end of the second verse they all join in dancing the lobster quadrille to music of song^ which continues for quadrille. After which they stand back while Mock Turtle sings "Beautiful Soup," and at the end form a tableau. MOCK TURTLE " Will you walk a little faster," said a whiting to a snail, "There's a porpoise close behind us, and he's treading on my tail. See how eagerly the lobsters and the turtles all advance ! They are waiting on the shingle — will you come and join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance ? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance? "You can really have no notion how delightful it will be When they take us up and throw us, with the lobsters, out to sea ! " 76 A L I C E I N [Act VI But the snail replied, "Too far, too far!" and gave a look askance — Said he thanked the whiting kindly, but he would not join the dance, Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the dance. Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the dance. ALICE [in rather a frightened tone\ Thank you, it's a very interesting dance to watch, and I like the song about the whiting. GRYPHON No accounting for tastes! Sing her "Turtle Soup," will you, old fellow ? MOCK TURTLE \_sighing deeply and chok- ing with sohs^ sings\ " Beautiful Soup, so rich and green, Waiting in a hot tureen ! Who for such dainties would not stoop ? Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup ! Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup ! Beau-ootiful Soo-oop ! Beau-ootiful Soo-oop ! Soo-oop of the e-e-evening, Beautiful, beautiful Soup ! Act VI] WONDERLAND 77 Beautiful Soup ! Who cares for fish. Game, or any other dish ? Who would not give all else for two Pennyworth only of beautiful Soup? Pennyworth of beautiful Soup ? Beau-ootiful Soup ! Beau-ootiful Soup ! Soo-oop of the e-e-evening. Beautiful, beauti-FUL SOUP!" T'ableau, Curtain falls. ACT V r T KING and Queen on throne, Fish-Footman and Frog-Footman on either side at foot of the throne. Gentlemen in Waiting and Ladies in Waiting on either side. Children of King and Queen on either side. All the Court massed behind the throne dressed as cards. On the left^ a table for the three judges^ who sit behind raised on a platform. On the right jury box^ with twelve fury men. At the foot of the throne stands the Knave in chains with a Soldier on either side. Near the King is the White 'Rabbit with a trumpet in one hand and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court is a table with a large dish of tarts upon it. The King who aBs as head judge wears his crown on top of a big white wig. All the other judges wear wigs. I'he twelve jurors each have a slate and are the animals and birds who have been char- acters in the play. Present are Gryphon^ Mock Turtle^ Humpty Dumpty^ The Duchess, Hatter, March Hare, Dormouse, etc, KING Herald, read the accusation ! White Rabbit blows three blasts on the trumpet; then he unrolls the parchment and reads as follows; Act VII] WONDERLAND 79 WHITE RABBIT "The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts. All on a summer day ; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts. And took them quite away ! " KING [to jury} Consider your verdift. WHITE RABBIT Not yet, not yet ! There 's a great deal to come before that ! KING Call the first witness. Rabbit blows three blasts on the trumpet and calls out: WHITE RABBIT First witness ! The Jirst witness is the Hatter^ who comes with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other. HATTER I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in ; but I had n't quite finished my tea when I was sent for. KING You ought to have finished. When did you be- gin ? 8o A L I C E I N [Act VII Hatter looks at the March Hare^ who has followed him into courts arm in arm with the Dormouse, HATTER Fourteenth of March, I think it was. MARCH HARE Fifteenth. DORMOUSE Sixteenth. KING \tojury\ Write that down. YJury write down all these dates on their slates^ Take o£F your hat. HATTER It isn't mine. KING \to jury\ Stolen ! Jury instantly make a memorandum of the fa6l. HATTER I keep them all to sell. I Ve none of my own. I 'm a hatter. Here the Queen puts on her speBacles and begins to stare hard at the Hatter who fidgets, KING Give your evidence ; and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot. Act VII] WONDERLAND 8i Hatter keeps shifting from one foot to the other ^ looks uneasily at the Queen and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter, Dormouse crosses the court and Queen says to ojicer : QUEEN \to officer'] Bring me the list of singers in the last court concert. KING Give your evidence, or I '11 have you executed, whether you're nervous or not. HATTER I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just begun my tea — not above a week or so — and what with the bread and butter getting so thin — and the twinkling of the tea — KING The twinkling of what F HATTER It began with the tea. KING Of course twinkling begins with a T ! Do you take me for a dunce ? Go on ! HATTER After that I cut some more bread and butter — 82 A L I C E. I N [Act VII ONE OF JURY But what did the Dormouse say ? HATTER That I can't remember. KING You must remember, or I '11 have you executed. Hatter drops his teacup and bread and butter and falls on his knees, HATTER I'm a poor man, your Majesty. KING You 're a very poor speaker. If that 's all you know about it, you may stand down. HATTER I can't go no lower. I 'm on the floor, as it is. KING Then you may sit down, or leave the court- room. [Hatter hurriedly leaves court,] Call the next witness. WHITE RABBIT Alice ! ALICE Here ! Act VII] WONDERLAND 83 KING The trial cannot proceed until all the Jurymen take their places. What do you know of this business ? ALICE Nothing. KING Nothing whatever ? ALICE Nothing whatever. KING That's very important. WHITE RABBIT Unimportant, your Majesty means. KING Unimportant, of course, I meant. Silence ! [Reads from his book^ Rule Forty-two. ail persons more tfian a mile Mfift to leatie tfie court ALICE I 'm not a mile high. KING You are. 8^ A L I C £ I N [Act VII QUEEN ~~~ Nearly two miles. ALICE Well, I shan't go, at any rate; besides, that's not a regular rule ; you invented it just now. KING It's the oldest rule in the book. ALICE Then it ought to be Number One. KING Consider your verdifl:. White Rabbit jumps up in a hurry, WHITE RABBIT There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty. This paper has just been picked up. QUEEN What's in it? WHITE RABBIT I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to — to somebody. JURYMEN Who is it direfted to ? WHITE RABBIT It isn't direcSed at all ; in faft, there's nothing written on the outside, [ Unfolds paper and says ;] It isn't a letter after all ; it's a set of verses. Act VII] WONDERLAND 85 JURYMEN Are they in the prisoner's handwriting ? WHITE RABBIT No, they 're not. Jury all look pu:2:,zled, KING He must have imitated somebody else's hand. Jury all brighten up again, KNAVE Please your Majesty, I didn't write it, and they can't prove that I did ; there's no name signed at the end. KING That only makes the matter worse. You must have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man. General clapping, QUEEN That proves his guilt. ALICE It proves nothing of the sort. Why, you don't even know what they're about. KING Read them. 86 A L I C E- I N [Act VII WHITE RABBIT "They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him ; She gave me a good charafter, But said I could not swim. He sent them word I had not gone (We know it to be true) ; If she should push the matter on, What would become of you ? I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more ; They all returned from him to you. Though they were mine before. If I or she should chance to be Involved in this affair, He trusts to you to set them free, Exaftly as we were. My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it. ,Don't let him know she liked them best. For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest. Between yourself and me," Act VII] WONDERLAND 87 KING " That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet; so let the jury — ALICE If any of them can explain it, I '11 give him six- pence. I don't believe there's an atom of mean- ing in it. Jury all write down on their slates^ but none of them attempt to explain, KING \_spreading out verses on his lap] If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know ; " — said I could not swim — " You can't swim, can you ? [turning to Knave.] KNAVE [sadly] Do I look like it ? KING All right, so far — [muttering] "We've known it to be true — I gave her one, they gave him two — " Why, that must be what he did with the tarts, you know — ALICE But it goes on, "they all returned from him to you." 88 A L I C E I N [Act VII KING Why, there they are ! '[Pointing to tarts,'] Noth- ing can be clearer than that. Then again — " — before she had this fit — " \to Queen] you never had fits, my dear, I think ? QUEEN Ifuriously'] Never ! KING Then the words don't ^/ you. [Looks round court with a smile. There is a dead silence^ It 's a pun ! Let the jury consider their verdi6t ! QUEEN No, no ! Sentence first — verdift afterwards. ALICE Stuff and nonsense ! The idea of having the sentence first ! QUEEN Hold your tongue ! ALICE I won't ! QUEEN \shouting at top of her voice"] Off^ with her head ! Nobody moves, ^ Act VII] WONDERLAND 89 ALICE Who cares for you ? You're nothing but a pack of cards. A shower of playing cards falls from above. Curtain falls Printed by D. B. Updike The Merrymount Press Boston 1898 LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 014 388 416 8 •