^'' THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY AN IRISH COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY WILLIAM BOYLE CHICAGO: GEO. HORNSTEIN CO. 1907 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY AN IRISH COMEDY IN THREE ACTS BY WILLIAM BOYLE CHICAGO: GEO. HORNSTEIN CO, 1907 PF?GOo3 ^aoJ Printed by Geo. Hornstein Co. Chicago i f THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY TtlFRARYof COn'grFss j I Two CoDies Received * MAY 17 I90r Copyneht Entry cih^sfo ac, No. COPY B. Copyright, 1907 By JOHN P. BOYLE CHARACTERS Jeremiah Dempsy, Publican and Grocer, County Councillor for Cloghermore Mrs. Catherine Dempsy, his wife Mary Kate, his daughter Dr. Bunbury, J. P. Captain McNamara, J.P. Mike Flanigan, a working man Brian O'Neill, in love zvith Mary Kate A crowd of people off the stage For right and terms of production on the stage in the United States of America, application must be made to John P. Boyle, 301 Northzvestern Bldg., Lake and 5th Ave., Chicago, III, U. S. A., or William Boyle, go Biishey Hill Road, Camherwell S. E., London, England. THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY ACT I Scene: Dempsy's Drazmng-room, above his shop. Doors C. and L. Window L. An easy chair, some other chairs, a stool and a sofa. A side-table. A cabinet. A green dressing-gown with orange lining hangs across the back of the easy chair. Time- Morning. [Mrs. Dempsy is discovered looking out of the zvindozv. She hurries to door L. and speaks oif zmth one hand resting on jamb. Mrs. Dempsy {loudly). Tell Mr. Dempsy he must hurry up at once. The doctor's in the street. (She looks out of the window and returns to the door.) Make haste, or we'll be done for . . . {in a lower voice) . . . God I THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y forgive you, Jerry ! It's the nice man you are — ^^sloping off like that when it's down on the broad of your back, dead sick, you ought lobe. [Dempsy comes in. He is in his shirt- sleeves. Here! Into your sick-clothes at once, and get ready for the doctor. (She picks up the dress- ing-gown.) Dempsy. Hadn't I to go down to the cellar and tap a cask o' porter for the shop? It's not the boy behind the counter you'd have doing it, Catherine. Mrs. Dempsy. Jerry, you're the heart's scald! Having me give out that you're at death's door, and you as hearty, glory be to God ! as you were the day I married you. [She holds the dressing-gown while he puts it on. Dempsy. A body who didn't know you, Catherine, 'id think it's sorry you were I'm not laid up on your hands. Mrs. Dempsy. And wouldn't that be better than me telling one side you're too ill to wel- come the Chief Secretary and the other you're too far gone to denounce his visit altogther? 2 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Well, thank God ! the decent man went past the station without stopping: my illness helped me to keep faith with both sides. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, Jerry, Jerry! you don't call fooling people keeping faith with any one! Dempsy. Sure, I'm not fooling them at all. I'm only striving to keep down ructions till my election's over. Mrs. Dempsy. But you know you can't be on the two sides at the same time ? Dempsy. Wait till you see, Catherine. Mrs. Dempsy. Throth, I know well what I'll see. You'll be pitched out by them all, and have our business ruined and the whole town turned against us. Dempsy. Ah! them times are over, Cathe- rine. Everybody's loyal to the cause of law and order now. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, indeed! Dempsy. Yes, and if they weren't itself, a man must twist a bit to please both sides. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I know how your twist- ing will end. You'll twist the wrong way and fall to pieces like a woollen thread. Dempsy. Never fear, Catherine. I know the ropes too well for that. Mrs. Dempsy. Poor old Doctor Bunbury, 3 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY I wonder does he see the way you're twist- ing him — you rogue ? Dempsy. Bunbury's not wise enough to see the length of his own shadow. Mrs. Dempsy. Is that the reason you like him better than the other doctor ? Dempsy. You know well enough I don't bring him here to cure me. Mrs. Dempsy. What on earth do you want with him, then I Dempsey. Because he takes an interest in my case in other ways. Mrs. Dempsy. Do you think it's for your good, Jerry! Dempsy. I'll make it for my good. Wait till you see me on the bench dispensing justice to the town of Cloghermore. Then you'll be proud to think you own me, Catherine. Mrs. Dempsy. I'd be prouder far to see you giving up such notions altogether. (Knocking at a distance.) There he is! and a nice way we're both humbugging him. The Lord forgive the pair of us ! Dempsy (sitting in the easy chair and ar- ranging his feet on a stool.) Do I look pale, Catherine ? Mrs. Dempsy (smiling.) Pale as a prim- 4 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y rose on a May morning. You're a lucky man it's not the other doctor's in it. Dempsy. He'd have me out of this in spite of myself, and where would I be then? Mrs. Dempsy. In the very same pickle Doctor Bunbury's just mixing for you, fool and all as he is. [Dr. Bunbury comes in. He puts his hat on the table and struts as he pulls oif his gloves. Dr. Bunbury. Well, and how are we to- day ? How are we to-day ? Dempsy. A little on the mend. Doctor, I hope. Dr. Bunbury. Ah, Mrs. Dempsy, here's a change for the better! Out of bed, and out of danger at the same time. {He sits down beside Dempsy and feels his pulse.) Very good ! Very good indeed ! We've pulled him round, Mrs. Dempsy. Nobody can deny we've pulled him round. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, we hauled him round beautifully. Doctor. Dr. Bunbury. You may well say that. No one would think, looking at him now, he was so near to giving us the slip three days ago. S THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. Doctor, to tell you the truth, I don't think he had the least notion of it. Dr. Bunbury (holding up his Unger). The very surest sign how far gone he was. His pulse was most erratic. Mrs. Dempsy. Nothing worse than that, Doctor? Dr. Bunbury. Few things can be worse, Mrs. Dempsy, in a man of your husband's even disposition. Mrs. Dempsy. Do you tell me so? Dr. Bunbury. It is as eloquent to me as Mr. Dempsy 's tongue. Dempsy. No one knows better than your- self, Doctor, how very bad I was. Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not. Dempsy. How low and heart-broken, too, when I couldn't stir a hand or foot tO' welcome our good Chief Secretary, and he passing our very door, as a body may say. Dr. Bunbury. You know that, as a medical practitioner, I avoid all politics like poison. But, in this particular instance, I cannot help showing my regret that the addresss fell through for want of your support. Dempsy. It was a great misfortune, Doctor. A terrible misfortune ! 6 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dr. Bunbury. A misfortune not only to the town, but to you, Mr. Dempsy, in partic- ular. Dempsy. How's that, Doctor? Dr. Bunbury. Because, outsider though I am, I have reason to believe the Chief Secre- tary was very anxious on the point. Indeed, it was only when he heard the eloquent Dempsy was unable to attend, he ordered that his train was not to stop at Cloghermore at all. Dempsy. It was a heartfelt sorrow to me, Doctor, to be disabled as I was. But (in a pathetic tone) I always had misfortune that way. When the Lord-Lieutenant came a few years ago, I was on my back as bad as now. Dr. Bunbury. Well, Mr. Dempsy, you have missed a splendid opportunity. What the intentions of the government may be is not for me to say. But I'm not blind to signs, I'm not deaf tO' hints, about the honours- that are now in store for men of moderation. You know what I mean ? Dempsy. I do indeed. Doctor, — to my sor- row. Mrs. Dempsy. Doctor, it's a shame to be deceiving you. My husband never once in- tended taking act or part — 7 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY (Dempsy interrupts her by cough- ing.) act or part — (Dempsy coughs) — act or part— — Dempsy. Och! Och! Oh! ! Dr. Bunbury. I'm sorry to see the cough troubles you still. Dempsy. Oh, the cough's nothing to my other troubles, Doctor — nothing to what it was three days agxD, I mean. My wife's saying, Doctor, that I never had the least intention of taking act or part in the opposition movement. Dr. Bunbury. You mean the agitation got up by misguided people to denounce the wel- come to the Right Honorourable gentleman ? Dempsy. That's exactly it. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, Jerry, I'm saying Dempsy {waving his hand). Yes, Cathe- rine, that's what you're saying. Dr. Bunbury knows you're saying it, only you're interrupted by my ill-mannered cough. Mrs. Dempsy, like ourselves, doctor, is the friend of law and order above everything. Mrs. Dempsy. Where the law helps busi- ness people to collect their debts I never was against it, but where it turns out poor tenants on the road 8 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Oh, the law never does that, Catherine. It's the people's own obstinacy, misled by the advice of strangers. Dr. Bunbury. One of the evils ol our un- fortunate country, Mrs. Dempsy, is that people are continually saddling the wrong horse. Dempsy. They blame the landlords for everything. Dr. Bunbury. If an old physician, utterly detached from every party, may be permitted to say so, the landlords are the backbone of the country. Dempsy. They are, they are. Dr. Bunbury. Above all, they're the back- bone of the trading community. Where would our business people be without them? Dempsy. In the workhouse. Dr. Bunbury. Where would our labourers and artisans and farmers be without them! Dempsy. God only knows! On the high road to America, God help them! Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you have spoken with becoming moderation on a grave subject, and although you have missed the op- portunity so lately offered you, my friend, Lord Irton, may do something for you still. 9 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. What do you think his Lordship might be thinking of ? Dr. Bunbury. He recommends gentlemen suitable for holding the Commission of the Peace. Dempsy. I'm afraid my business cuts me off from that distinction. I'm afraid it does. Dr. Bunbury. Objection on the score of your business can be easily got over. Dempsy. I could, of course, transfer the license under mortgage without losing any- thing. Dr. Bunbury. You can evade the rule in many ways. In many horourable ways I mean. A word, Mr. Dempsy, is enough to the wise. [He rises and takes up his hat. Mrs. Dempsy. I'm afraid. Doctor, Jerry isn't fit for anything so high as that. Dr. Bunbury. Mrs. Dempsy, as a rule, I avoid such topics altogether. But the sound- ness — I will even say the scientific soundness — of your husband's principles, marks him out for such distinction. I only wish the Chief Secretary had not missed the opportunity of hearing Mr. Dempsy's eloquent expression of his own views upon the railway platform. lO THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy (also rising). Do you think there's any chance at all of him giving us a look in on his way back"? D'R. BuNBURY. I fear it's quite impossible. Dempsy (with relief). That's a terrible pity, Doctor ! I was hoping he might perhaps give us a five minutes' stop at Cloghermore to learn some of our grievances. (Bunbury shakes his head.) We are very bady used, Doctor. We have fewer magistrates and fewer policemen than any other town of similar im- portance in the whole of Ireland. Mrs. Dempsy. An increase of both would help the public-houses. Dempsy. They would help each other mu- tually. Though I admit there are too many licenses here already, and fellows applying every Sessions for new ones, as if the old es- tablishments couldn't supply all possible er- quirements. [During the delivery of the last two speeches Dr. Bunbury has been cogitating, nibbing his chin and looking at his Unger nails. Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, that's a happy thought of yours about the Chief Secretary stopping on 'his way back. I must broach it II THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY to my friend, Captain McNamara, and see what can be done. Dempsy (alarmed). But you said, Doctor, it was quite impossible. Dr. Bunbury. Nothing is impossible to those who are in earnest, Mr. Dempsy. Dempsy. The thought upsets me terribly. Do you think I'm strong enough to bear an- other disappointmient. Doctor? Dr. Bunbury. (clapping Dempsy on the shoulder). Never despair, my friend. The chance is slight, no doubt, but in my profes- sion we only give up hope when the very last moment has gone by. Mrs. Dempsy. It's just the same in ours. Doctor. I've seen the bar at nine o'clock as empty as a funnel, and the place fill up beauti- ful before closing time. Dr. Bunbury. Keep up heart. Your Com- mission of the Peace is growing somewhere in the dark. Mrs. Dempsy. Like a mushroom. Doctor. Dr. Bunbury. No. Like a patriotic sham- rock out of kindly Irish earth, and your hus- band will pluck and wear it in his cap to show the world he can be a true patriot and a man of moderation at the same time. (Going.) 12 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. How can I ever thank yoii, Doc- tor, for your friendly interest and — medicine I Dr. Bunbury. By adhering to your prin- ciples and strictly following the advice upon the bottle. [Waves his hat in adieu, and goes out L. D. Mrs. Dempsy goes with him to door. Mrs. Dempsy. Well, Jerry, what side are you on now 1 Dempsy. The right side, to be sure, my dear. Mrs. Dempsy. There can't be two of them in the same quarrel. Can there? Dempsy. God help your wits, woman. When a man's in public life there's as many sides as there's people to discuss them with. Mrs. Dempsy. Double-dealing, Jerry. Double-dealing never thrives. Dempsy. There's no more double-dealing in this than in selling one man porter and an- other ginger-beer. You don't argue down- stairs with your customers about their tastes in liquor. Mrs. Dempsy. I'm not talking about cus- tomers, but about yourself, Jerry. Dempsy. Well, what about me? 13 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. You're like Lanna Macree's dog — a piece of the road with everybody. One minute you're all for Cloghermore and the sky over it, and the next you're all for modera- tion and the Government. It's the same way with you in everything. You're a publican by trade and a member of the Anti-Treating League for recreation. You denounce Emigra- tion on the platform, and behind the counter you sell tickets for the shipping companies. You'll go anywhere and subscribe to anything if they'll only let you mjake a speech about it. (Dempsy protests by a gesture.) Jerry, you're a rag on every bush, fluttering to every wind that blows; and {tenderly) if you weren't the best husband and the best father that ever broke the bread of life, I'd say you were the biggest rascal in the whole of Ireland. Dempsy. Sure, every one's a rascal in the eyes of somebody. Mrs. Dempsy. And if you don't mind, you'll be a rascal in the eyes of everybody. ''Never mix your drinks," my father used to say, and never mix your principles is my ad- vice to you, Jerry. Dempsy. Faith, Catherine, the best of drink is often made by blending. 14 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I see ! Dempsy. Yes; and the curse of this un- fortunate country is that people can't be got to blend their views at all. We all want to run our own spirit into other people raw. [Mary Kate comes in. Mrs. Dempsy. What's the matter, daugh- ter? Mary Kate. Oh, grand news, Ma! The Town Commissioners are after voting father an address. Mrs. Dempsy. What for, in the name of goodness 1 Mary Kate (proudly). For the patriotic stand he made against welcoming the Chief Secretary ; and Brian O'Neill and Mike Flani- gan are cording up to read it to him. Dempsy. Catherine, do you think I'm in a fit condition to receive this tribute from my fellow-townsmen ? Mrs. Dempsy (looking quizzically af him). No, Jerry. I'm afraid the blend's a little bit too violent. Mary Kate. Don't be making game of Pa. (She arranges his hair and dressing-gown.) There ! He's nice enough now to meet any one. Isn't he, dear? 15 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. Even the Chief Secretary to the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. {She goes to the zvindozv and looks ouL) Here they are! Dempsy {starting.) Who, Catherine, who? [Mary Kate also goes to the win- dow and looks out. Mrs. Dempsy. Mike Flanigan, the people's champion, with the whole town after him. Dempsy. Oh, you gave me quite a start ! I thought it was^ — the other people; God for- give me ! Mary Kate {at window). There's Brian O'Neill and Big Brannigan the blacksmith, and Lame Murphy the shoemaker, and Andy Cassidy the teetotaller, and Judy Heffernan the applewoman, and Tim Hanlan of the League, and everybody. {They come from zmndow.) Oh, it's a great day, father, and proud your daughter is to stand beside you at this precious moment. Mrs. Dempsy {to Mary Kate). It's down- stairs wiping glasses you should be. There's sure to be a rush in the bar after Mike Flanigan has done his blathering. Run away now, honey. Dempsy. Can't you let the child stay here and see the fun? i6 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mary Kate. Yes, Ma, darling. Let me stay and listen. Mrs. Dempsy. It's too soft I'm with the whole of you. {Shouts and cheers heard out- side. Knocking at door.) There they are! I'll let them' up, I suppose'? Dempsy. Cloghermore must never knock at Jeremiah Dempsy's door in vain. Mrs. Dempsy. I'd rather hear them knock- ing at the counter. [She goes out L. Mary Kate comes close to Dempsy. Dempsy. Your mother's a little out of humour with us. She thinks we ought to trouble about nothing in the whole world but the shop, and money-making. [Flannigan and O'Neill come m. Flannigan carries a paper. Voices heard withoiit. 1ST Voice. Eloquent Dempsy for ever! 2ND Voice. He sent the Chief Secretary off about his business. 1ST Voice. He sells the best whisky at the lowest prices. 2ND Voice. And backs up the teetotallers for sake of custom. 17 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 3RD Voice (female). Ah, the playboy! [Cheers oif. Dempsy {rising). A mixed lot outside, gentlemen, to judge by your behaviour. [Mrs. Dempsy comes in. Flanigan. Oh, they're all right, sir, only there's a few corner-boys among them. Mrs. Dempsy. Mr. Dempsy doesn't mind that — he likes a blend of all sorts. Flanigan. Blend or not, ma'am, the peo- ple know their true friends and will stick to them at any cost. {He advances a few steps , clear his throat and speaks solemnly.) We wait upon you, Mr. Dempsy, deputed by our fellow- townsmen, to present an address of congratula- tion to you, on the occasion of your provi- dential recovery from severe illness. Dempsy {with emotion). Even in the val- ley of the shadow, gentlemen, the interests of Cloghermore were ever present to my mind, and its people in my heart. Flanigan. We know it, Mr. Dempsy, or we'd not be here. Dempsy. This tribute almost strikes m)e dumb. Mrs. Dempsy. It must be overpowering when it does that. i8 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY O'Neill. It's not a hap'orth more than you deserve, Mr. Dempsy. Flanigan. But more than the Chief Sec- retary could get with all his big policemen. [Dempsy bozm. Mrs. Dempsy sits dozmi. The rest remmn standing. {Reading.) 'To Jeremiah Dempsy, Esquire, County Councillor and Poor Law Guardian. Dear Sir, We, the undersigned Commissioners, Ratepayers, and Inhabitants of the town of Cloghermore, beg to offer you our sincere and hearty congratulations on this the auspicious occasion of your recovery from a severe and painful illness. We welcome you to health once more, and trust we may be long spared your eloquent advocacy of our Cause, as well as that unflinching and devoted zeal with which you have ever discharged the duties of your exalted station." {Speaking in a lower tone.) Here, Mr. Dempsy, follow the names of our leading townsmien, which you will no doubt peruse at your leisure. {He hands Dempsy the paper, and both bow profoundly. Dempsy {in an oratorical manner). Gentle- men, on behalf of myself, my wife and child — Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I'm not in it at all. 19 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Flanigan. Yes, Mrs. Dempsy. You are one of the inhabitants. Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, from the bottom of my heart Flanigan. Give it out the window, Mr. Dempsy, The people won't be pleased unless they hear you. {He goes over and opens the ivindow. Shouts outside.) A Voice. Jerry's coming ! Another Voice. No, it's Mike! Mrs. Dempsey. It's yourself, Mike, that ought to talk to them. Tell them he's not well. Dempsy. If Death in all his grisly horrors stood before me, I should bid him stand aside while I address my people. [He goes to the zvindow and bows. Cheers and booing outside. Dempsy boivs several times. Dempsy (speaking loudly at the zvindow). Ladies and gentlemen A Voice. Jerry Dem|psy is the man! Another. He roots the people in the soil! Another. Ay, roots them out for emigra- tion! (Cheers and laughter outside.) Dempsy (to those on the stage). The spirit of the people bubbles over in a way that does one good to witness. 20 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Flanigan. I must go down and regulate the cheering. Mrs. Dempsy. Do, for God's sake, and send them home if you can. [Flanigan goes out L. Dempsy {speaking oraforicaUy through the window). Ladies and gentlemen of the town of Cloghermore A Voice. Divil a one o' them's here ! Another. Spake for yourself, Ned! Dempsy. Men and women, friends and neighbours, from the depths of my unfathomed soul Mrs. Dempsy. Hear, hear! Dempsy. From the weary pillow of a bed of sickness I feebly totter to my feet to thank you. A Voice. The poor man looks the corpse of himself ! Another. Sorra hap'orth's wrong with him at all ! Dempsy. I thank my friend in the crowd for his enlivening remark. I am well — quite well. The medicine of your approval cures mie. The sound of your cheers, the vision of your honest faces, the might, the strength, the magnitude of this colossal meeting pours ne*w 21 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY life into my wasted frame. An hour ago I lay heart-shaken with despair Mrs. Dempsy (aside). May the Lord for- give you ! Dempsy. He^rt-shaken lest my absence from your councils, in the recent crisis in our town, might be misunderstood. But the flat- tering address which I have just listened to, and even more than that, the generosity of this magnificent reception convinces me that wher- ever else suspicion may exist, such unworthy sentiments are strangers tO' the warm hearts of Cloghermore. ( Cheers. ) A Voice. Isn't he me darlin' ! Another. Ay, wantin' to be made a Mag- istrate ! Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, if the dis- tinction which my friend suggests is ever of- fered me, it will not be at my solicitation A Voice. Sure, we know that ! Dempsy. But should any such proposal come my way, do you know what I will do! A Voice. Jump at it ! Mrs. Dempsy. Tell them at once and don't be keeping them there all day. Dempsy. My friends, I am not a man dis- 22 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY posed to jump at anything. I will sit down and ask myself a question. A Voice. You'll have the answer ready, Jerry. Dempsy. In the secret chamber of my heart, I will say unto myself, ^'J^^^'^i^^'^ Dempsy, will it benefit the town of Clogher- more if you are made a Magistrate?" And if Jeremiah Dempsy's conscience answers back ''It will," and if silence whispers me, 'The poor will have a safe protector on the bench," then will I consider how I may with safety accept the honour. But if I think it is the voice of vanity that speaks in Jeremiah Dempsy's ear, then will Jeremiah Dempsy's angry soul reply — "Put your J.P.-ship on the shelf. Hang it up behind the door! Away with it ! The sight of it disgusts me!" A Voice. You'll take the pledge agin it ! Another. Sure, he took that from the Anti-Treating League ! Another. Ay, and the Anti-Emigration Society ! Dempsy. Gentlemen, I am always open on this drinking question. A Voice. Bedad, you are! (Cheers.) Dempsy. Promiscuous treating is the ruin 23 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY of Ireland. But if a friend meets a friend, and they have quite made up their minds to take a glass or two together, what I would advise them in a town like this is, to avoid low houses and walk into a respectable estab- lishment where the article supplied can be im- plicitly relied upon. With regard to emigra- tion, I am just as open-handed. A Voice. You're all that ! Dempsy. I frown upon it, I deplore it. I abominate it root and branch and stem. Nevertheless, if any one among you has de- termined he must conquer fame and fortune in the lands beyond the sea, why should I decline to supply him with the cheapest ticket on the fastest line afloat, where food and accommoda- tion are of the very highest quality! A Voice. You couldn't have the heart to do it, Mr. Dempsy ! Dempsy. No. I could not allow my coun- trymen and countrywomen to fall into the hands of heartless shipping agents, maybe to be robbed and starved and shipwrecked by the miserable sharks who thrive on the depopula- tion of their native country. (Cheers,) And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have done. I have not words enough to thank you for the 24 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY honour of again selecting me to be your standard-bearer in this glorious battle; and when the votes are counted (should a coutest be unwisely forced upon us), I know you will return me once more triumphantly at the head of the poll. [Groans, shouts, cheers. Dempsy copies forward from the zvindow, zvhich O'Neill closes. Mary Kate. Oh Pa! You ought to be in Parliament. You're lost in Cloghermore. O'Neill. I offer my congratulations, Mr. Dempsy. Your eloquent address will make your re-election certain. I must go at once and see about your nomination papers. Dempsy. Thank you, Brian, thank you. Not that public life has any charm for me, but when Cloghermore demands my services I can- not find it in my conscience to refuse my cus- tomers. [O'Neill goes out, Mary Kate fol- lozving him. Mrs Dempsy. Oh Jerry, you will be the death of me! Where do you pick up your sup- plies of moonshine? Dempsy. Nonsense, woman! It's the very 25 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY overflowing of my ardent spirit. You shouldn't call it moonshine while it brings in custom. Mrs Dempsy. Maybe while you're at it you believe in it yourself. But when you sit down after, Jerry, is your spirit overflowing still? Dempsy. Catherine, you don't know what you're talking about. You haven't studied pol- icy as I have in discharging public business. Mrs. Dempsy. No, Jerry, but I've studied you in public and in private, and I tell you, you'll be found out. People are not the fools you take them for. You heard what some one said about the visit of the Chief Secretary? Dempsy. Never fear! The Chief Secre- tary's gone, and I may say whatever I like about him now. My return will be carried on a wave of popularity, and when it's all over, I'll be taking my seat among the mighty on the bench of Justice. Mrs. Dempsy. Provided nothing goes wrong in the meantime. Dempsy. What can go wrong, Catherine! [Mary Kate comes in zmth a letter. Mary Kate. Dr. Bunbury's boy brought this letter. Pa. [Dempsy takes letter and opens it. 26 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. I can't see without my glasses, Read it to me, dearie. Mary Kate (reading). "Information has just reached me that the Chief Secretary will stop at Cloghermore to receive the address we spoke about. This will be agreeable news to you." [Dempsy drops into a chair in disfnay: Dempsy {fearfully). Oh Catherine! — this agreeable news has given me a stroke! I'm sure I'm getting very ill again. [He leans back in his chair. Mrs. Dempsy leans over him. Curtain. 27 ACT II Scene : The same. Evening of the same day. Lamp lighted. Curtains of window drazvn. [Mrs. Dempsy discovered seated knitting. Mary Kate and O'Neill come in. Mrs. Dempsy (rising). I asked you to come round, Brian, to give me your advice. O'Neill. Thank you, ma'am. It's an honour to me. Mrs. Dempsy (to Mary Kate). Your father's asleep, Mary Kate! Mary Kate. He's just taking a nap. Ma. Mrs. Dempsy. It'll do him no harm. Tell us if he wakes. [Mary Kate goes out. Mrs. Dempsy and O'Neill sit. The advice I want, Brian, is, first of all, about yourself. O'Neill. My advice about myself, Mrs. Dempsy ? 28 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Mrs. Dempsy. Yes, yourself and Mary Kate. Tell me, like an honest boy, what you think about her. O'Neill {confused). I hope to marry her some day, if you have no objection, Mrs. Dempsy. Mrs. Dempsy. Some day is a far day, Brian. O'Neill. I'm sorry you think that. I'd marry her to-morrow if I had the mieans to doit. Mrs. Dempsy. And how do you expect to get the means some day ? O'Neill. An uncle of mine promised to help me. Mrs. Dempsy. Rich uncles are a blue look- out, Brian. Have you nothing better in your mind than that? O'Neill. She promised to wait. Mrs. Dempsy. I don't doubt that, Brian; but ril not promise you she'll wait. Mr. Dempsy's constitution won't allow it, I'm sorry to say. O'Neill. Mr. Dempsy's constitution, ma'am ? Mrs. Dempsy. Yes. He's destroying his health and spending money treating people all 29 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY day long, and unless I get him out of Clogher- more he'll ruin himself and us. Are you will- ing to assist me ? O'Neill. I'm sorry for your trouble, Mrs. Dempsy, but I doii't see how I can be of any use to you in this. Mrs. Dempsy. You can help me, Brian, by opposing his election and getting him put out. I wouldn't ask you if I hadn't reason for it. O'Neill. Oh, Mrs. Dempsy, why should I do that? He's one of our best men. Mrs. Dempsy. For his daughter's sake you ought to do it, Brian. O'Neill. I'm afraid, Mrs. Dempsy, I can't bring myself tO' promise that. Mrs. Dempsy. It doesn't look as if you cared much for her, then. O'Neill. She knows herself how much I care for her. Mrs. Dempsy. And, I suppose, you think it's no other person's business! O'Neill. I didn't say that, ma'ami. Mrs. Dempsy. No, but you looked it, Brian. It's no matter. Now, if you won't help me for Mary Kate's sake, will you help me for your own 1 30 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY O'Neill. I don't know what you mean, ma'am. Mrs. Dempsy. I'll tell you. Supposing we go out to our farm in the country, and leave the business here to you and her — wouldn't it be better for you than waiting, God knows how long, for your uncle's shoes ? O'Neill. It's folly to talk, Mrs. Dempsy. I couldn't go against a man that served the people as well as he has done. Indeed, I couldn't ! Mrs. Dempsy. Not to win a home for your- self and Mary Katel O'Neill (rising). No, Mrs. Dempsy, no. I'd like to help you, and I'd like to marry Mary Kate; but I'mi not going to turn traitor to the Cause if I'm never rich enough to put a ring on her finger. Mrs. Dempsy (briskly, also rising, and patting his shoulder). Good boy, Brian! You're the very sort I hoped you'd prove to be. Sit down. I have more to tell you. (They sit.) Mr. Dempsy's not exactly what you take him for. O'Neill. No? Mrs. Dempsy. No. (Sighs.) Dr. Bun- bury has got the soft side of him by promising 31 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY to get him made a Magistrate, and he's going to sign the address to the Chief Secretary, after all. O'Neill. But the Chief Secretary's gone by, and the address is all thrown over. Mrs. Dempsy. No, it's not. He's going to stop at the station on his way back, and they're working at the game as hard as ever. O'Neill. But, surely, Mr. Dempsy's on our side! Mrs. Dempsy. Is he? (Hands letter.) Throw your eye over that. He got it from Bunbury after you and Flanigan went off to- day. O'Neill (looking at letter). This is bad news. I'll go and see Mike Flanigan at once about it. Mrs. Dempsy. Do. (They rise.) You won't object to work against my husband now ? O'Neill. I'll work against treachery as long as I've a leg to stand on. Though sorry I am it's Mr. Dempsy's in it. Mrs. Dempsy. You're an honest lad! I thought you would. [Mary Kate comes in softly L. D. Mary Kate (in a warning voice). Pa! (Points behind her.) 32 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. It's as well he shouldn't see you. Go at once, and God enable you and Mike to save us ! [O'Neill goes out hnstily, foUozved by Mary Kate^ C. Dempsy comes in, L. He is dressed in a tweed suit Dempsy {yawning). Was that Brian O'Neill I seen going out? Mrs. Dempsy. Yes. Dempsy. What brings him here again? Mrs. Dempsy. He came to warn us that the town knows all about your plots with Bun- bury. Dempsy. My plots, Catherine? (Yazms.) Mrs. Dempsy. Yes, your plots and plans, over the Chief Secretary's visit. Dempsy. Then old Bunbury has let it out! — Of course, you said there's no foundation for the rumour? Mrs. Dempsy. How could I say the likes of that? Dempsy. A wife has to keep up the good name of her husband. Mrs. Dempsy. I'm doing more for your good name than you know. Dempsy. That's right. Anything that 33 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY makes a gentleman of me, makes you a lady, Catherine. {He puts his arm round her.) You know it's not fair of you to pull against me on my up-hill climb. Mrs. Dempsy. Your down-hill trot, Jerry, it appears to me. Dempsy. Up-hill or down-hill, Catherine, I'm moving anyway ; and if you don't help me, I must go on without you. Mrs. Dempsy. Very well. But when you're landed in the ditch, don't ask me to pull you out again. Dempsy. Well, at any rate you'll stick to me till this election's over. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I'm sticking to you much closer than you think, Jerry. Dempsy. Com.e now! That's the proper frame of mind, Catherine. With you to work the pint o' porter boys, and Dr. Bunbury the port and sherry people, everything's safe for me and all concerned. Mrs. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury's working you for the address and nothing else. He doesn't care what becomes of you or your business afterwards. Dempsy. And I'm working him as much as he is working me. 34 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. All right! stick to Dr. Bunbury. We'll see who'll suffer by it in the end. Dempsy. Nobody at all. I'll benefit, you'll benefit; the town will benefit more than any one. Me and Dr. Bunbury understand each other thoroughly. Mrs. Dempsy. Well, between you, you can fight it with the town; I'll have no more to say about it. I must mind the shop as long as we have any customers. [She goes out, L. D. Dempsy {alone). Fight Cloghermore on the address! I might as well attempt to fight a mad bull with a red handkerchief! {He peeps out L.; looks puzzled. Then goes to the sideboard, takes out a bottle and drinks.) Somebody's coming in the front door. I be- lieve it's Dr. Bunbury. {Wipes his mouth and goes out hastily, leaving bottle on the table.) [Mary Kate comes in, follozued by Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- Namara C. from L. Mary Kate. Mother said Pa was here. I'll go and look for him. \_She goes out C. Capt. McNamara. I say, Bunbury, this is 35 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY hardly playing the game — hunting a man down in his own den. Dr. Bunbury. My dear McNamara, it's only for his good. McNamara. I don't see where his good comes in at all, Bunbury. Dr. Bunbury. It's good for every man to be made a loyal citizen. I hope he hasn't taken to his bed again. McNamara. Shouldn't wonder at a man doing anything to escape this damn political quackery. Dr. Bunbury. Don't talk frivolously, Mc- Namara. He may overhear you. McNamara. What matter? It will give the man a chance to hide or run away. Dr. Bunbury. Run away from what? McNamara. From Dr. Bunbury's vivisec- tion in the interests of Government. Dr. Bunbury. But, my dear friend, public safety demands the operation. You wouldn't give up Cloghermore to Mike Flanigan and the forces of disruption ? McNamara (laughing) . My dear Doctor, in the public interests I'm prepared to burn Cloghermore to the ground, torture Dempsy into apoplexy, and undermine the constitution 36 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY of the Chief Secretary with five addresses and a cold luncheon — is that satisfactory to you ! Dr. BuNEURY (mw^). Speak lower! (He looks round, and comes closer to McNamara.) It would be perfectly satisfactory, McNamara, if you meant it. But young men are so indo- lent nowadays, they'd drift anywhere if some one didn't undertake to steer them carefully. McNamara. Better drifting with the tide than trying to keep it out with a pitchfork. Dr. Bunbury. Not a word more, Mc- Namara. You placed yourself in my hands, and you must follow my instructions. McNamara. Well, Bunbury, as I'm in for it, I'd rather follow you than Mike Flanigan, the Furious. [Dempsy comes in, C. He is out of breath, and szvings round hack- wards till he humps against Bun- bury. Dempsy (gushingly). Upon my soul — I beg pardon — upon my honour, gentlemen, it's proud I am to see you both under my humble roof. (Shakes hands.) Dr. Bunbury. Thank you, thank you, Mr. Dempsy, and proud I am, in my personal and 37 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY professional capacity, to see you in your nor- mal health again. Dempsy. Never was better in my life, Doc- tor. All_owing to your wonderful medicine. Won't you try a glass of something, gentle- men? (Points to bottle.) Dr. Bunbury. I never look at it before dinner. Dempsy. No more do I. No more do I. So I suppose the best thing we can do is just put it out of Mrs. Dempsy's reach. [He puts away the bottle in the side- board. Dr. Bunbury and Cap- tain McNamara shake their heads at each other, and come down the stage. Dr. Bunbury. A good fellow, Captain McNamara. A worthy, genial gentleman who will be a credit to us on the bench. McNamara. A decided acquisition, I'm sure. Dr. Bunbury. He'll raise the commercial standing of the town in the estimation of the Empire. McNamara. How nice of him! Dr. Bunbury. And teach us many things we're not quite up to yet. 38 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY McNamara. Not a doubt he will. Dempsy (coming dozvn). Herself likes a (^Irop— (BuNBURY looks surprised)—kcpt handy when a friend calls. She's busy in the shop at present, and I am making myself a bit useful in her absence. Dr. Bunbury. Of course, of course. Busi- ness before pleasure, always, Mr. Dempsy. Which reminds me this is a business call en- tirely. You got my message announcing that the Chief Secretai7 had yielded to our wishes at last? Dempsy. I got it, Doctor, just as I was be- ginning to fear all hope for us was over. Dr. Bunbury. My dear friend, you're far too easily depressed. The Right Honourable gentleman is on the road, and Captain Mc- Namara has the address already drafted in his pocket. McNamara. Yes, Dempsy (taking out paper). Here's the weapon fully charged and primed to slaughter treason. All you've got to do is to pull yourself together and put your hand to it. Dempsy (feebly). Vm afraid, Captain, I can scarcely hold a pen. 39 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY McNamara. Come now, Dempsy, don't be dodging us again. Dempsy (annoyed). Dodging, Captain Mc- Namara! Who ever seen me dodging? Dr. Bunbury. That's the Captain's military way of putting it. We know you're with us heart and soul — as you were when you broke down a week ago. Dempsy. I'm with you more than ere a man in Ireland. Dr. Bunbury. Any one with half an eye can see that, Mr. Dempsy. And, if you'll ex- cuse a poor practitioner whose time is not his own, I'll tell you how the matter stands. Your Commlission of the Peace depends on your be- haviour in the present crisis. If you do as we advise, everything is safe; if you follow other people's clamour, everything is doubtful. Dempsy. Your advice is like your medicine, Doctor, always sound and stimulating. McNamara. Well, prepare to take your dose (places paper before Dempsy). The J.P.- ship is the lump of sugar to remove the flavour of the Chief Secretary. Dempsy (rising and assuming an oratorical manner). Gentlemen, nothing but your pres- 40 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY ence in the room prevents me saying how much I am indebted to you both. McNamara. Then sign the document, and we'll leave you here to say it at your leisure. [Mrs. Dempsy comes in. McNamara hands the paper to Dempsy, who spreads it out and falls back in the chair on seeing Mrs. Dempsy. McNamara (handing Dempsy a pen). Come, get it over as soon as possible. Dempsy. Ah, Captain, you military gentle- men are always in a dreadful hurry. But, Doc- tor, there's no signature to this at all! Don't you think it's rank presumption in an humble man like me to sign first f Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not {confidential- ly). Besides, I wish the Chief Secretary to take particular notice of your name, and he's so busy a man he rarely looks below the first signature. Dempsy. Doctor, I couldn't think of coming in before the Church. The clergy ought to be the first to sign. McNamara. But they don't mind a straw. Dempsy. Captain McNamara, you are well aware that in this country the clergy come be- fore us all. 41 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. Quite right, Jerry. Don't give way on that. Dempsy. My dear, I'll not give way on that, or any other point concerning my convictions. McNamara. Bunbury, I think we shouldn't press this matter further. Dr. Bunbury. Mrs. Dempsy, we respect your husband's scruples, but is there any reason why we should not sign before this clergyman ? Mrs. Dempsy. I have nothing to say on the subject, Doctor. Dr. Bunbury (speaking with suppressed an^ ger.) No, you are perhaps right to abstain from interference in all pupblic business. I do the same myself, generally speaking. McNamara (to Dempsy.) You undertake to sign it after the Dean ? Dempsy. When his reverence leads the way, I may safely follow after him. Dr. Bunbury. Very satisfactory, indeed. Although, Mrs. Dempsy, I must say your hus- band's action is a little trying to his best friends. Mrs. Dempsy. I wouldn't put up with it if I were you. Doctor. Dr. Bunbury (changing to a genial man- ner). No matter; Mr. Dempsy and I are old 42 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY friends. We understand each other. {Patting Dempsy.) He'll come and make a speech and be presented to the Chief Secretary— if there's time. Now, Captain McNamara. (He takes his hat.) We'll not be long away, Mrs. Demp- sy. (Going.) Dempsy. Gentlemen, I can't allow you to depart with the unfounded notion I have raised mere frivolous objections, to participate in this delightful function. Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not. (Going.) McNamara (going). We'll take your ex- planations as delivered in our absence, Mr. Dempsy. [Dempsy gets between them and the door. Dempsy. This address is a document, gen- tlemen, which reflects honour on the head and heart of every one concerned in it Dr. Bunbury. We'll be back presently. (Trying to go out.) Dempsy (stopping Dr. Bunbury). A doc- ument in which the great principles of freedom, dignity and self-reliance are unflinchingly up- held. Dr. Bunbury (near the door). Quite so. (Puts on his hat.) 43 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Gentlemen, in that document are embodied sentiments of devoted loyalty and patriotism [Captain McNamara rums out. Dr. BuNBURY follozvs, Dempsy Con- tinues, foUozving them to the door and speaking off in a louder voice. the two noblest inheritances of our common hu- manity; and, if the efforts of a life time, the fel- lowship of years, the pains of sickness and the joys of health — (in a lower voice) — I wonder have they had enough! — (raising his voice again) — the convictions that have moved the multitude of men since the beginning of the world — (coming from the door and speaking in an ordinary tone) — Yes, I think I heard the door close. Mrs. Dempsy (laughing). Oh Jerry! The poor Captain is a decent man. Why do you plague him with such awful speeches! Dempsy. Because they are the only weap- ons of defense a benevolent Government has left us. [Mary Kate comes in L. D. Mary Kate. Brian O'Neill and Mike Flan- igan are coming up the stairs. 44 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Dempsy (alarmed). Did they see the other gentlemen go out? Mary Kate. Yes, Pa. They were both standing in the shop as the other twO' went out the hall door. Dempsy {quietly). No doubt they're com- ing now about my nomination papers. Mary Kate. Brian said they're coming to heckle you. Mrs. Dempsy. What's heckling! Dempsy. An instrument of torture for the punishment of candidates, said to have been in- vented by the Scotch. Like everything else, they stole it out of Ireland. Mrs. Dempsy. And they're going to try that on you, Jerry ! I must stay and see the way it works. Dempsy. Do, Catherine. They'll not be quite so hard if you are with me. Mrs. Dempsy. I'm not too sure of that, Jerry. [O'Neill and Flanigan come in. Dempsy. Ah, boys! I wish you were here a little sooner to help against the shoneens. I'm quite exhausted with the battle. Flanigan. I hope that we're in time to staunch your wounds. 45 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Dempsy (jocularly) . The wounds are with the enemy, my boy. [Tapping his breast. Mrs. Dempsy, Mary Kate, and O'Neill stand conversing at door. Do I look Hke a defeated man ? — Like one who had the worst of it I Flanigan. No, sir; you look extremely well. Dempsy. I feel extremely well because I routed our opponents, Mike. I fired shot and shell into their ranks until they fled the field. Flanigan. I'm glad you were so deadly, Mr. Dempsy. Still, I irtfust say, the portion of your speech I overheard sounded remarkably like blank cartridge. Dempsy. I fired all my heavy bullets first. (To Mrs. Dempsy.) Didn't I drive the Cap- tain and the Doctor off, my dear! Mrs. Dempsy. You blew them out the door like sparks before a bellows, Jerry. Flanigan. Then, since your ammunition's shot away, we're safe to challenge you. (He unfolds a paper.) This is a proclamation call- ing on the people to repudiate the foolish ad- dress intended for the Chief Secretary. We want your name the very first upon it. 46 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Certainly, Mike. Sit down. {They sit.) You know my health {assuming a feeble tone) isn't what it used to be, at all; and now, with my election coming on, I feel the strain is terrible. Indeed, the Doctor's only after tell- ing me it's in my bed I ought to be, and not ex- citing myself with any earthly business, good or bad. Flanigan. But Mr. Dempsy, you said just now you were in splendid fighting form. Dempsy. Tliat's the worst of my complaint. One moment well, the next ready to lie up for burial. I keep the good side out as well as I can, Mike, but it's only a pretence. I'm not the man people take me for at all. Flanigan. So I have been told! But, sign this, and we'll relieve you of the whole respon- sibility. Dempsy. I wish that I was strong enough to go into this battle heart and soul. But the way I am, it's thinking of my end I ought to be. Flanigan. If it was the last breath in your body it's your duty to devote it to the honour of the town which this welcome imperils. Dempsy {caressing Flanigan^s hand). Heaven reward you for your fervour, Mike! 47 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y It's what I used to say, myself, when I was young. {To O'Neill.) Come over here, Bri- an. [O'Neill nods to Mrs. Dempsy and Mary Kate,^ and comes down. Mrs. Dempsy and Mary Kate go out. Flanigan. It's not so long since you said it, Mr. Dempsy ; and principles are the same to old or young. Dempsy. They are, my boy, and the longer you live the more you feel the want of them. But they're wasting, terribly wasting, on the constitution, Mike. O'Neill. You have our warmest sympathy, Mr. Dempsy. Nothing but necessity makes us trouble you. They say that you're leaning to the other side. We want to contradict them. Dempsy. Brian, dear, some people will say anything. Flanigan. The way to stop them is to sign this public protest. Dempsy. But what harm will that address of Bunbury's do any one? If half-a-dozen busybodies want to make fools of themselves, where's the good of stopping them? Flanigan. These people figure in the name 48 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY of Cloghermore. We can't let them dishonour us by welcoming a tyrant. O'Neill. It wouldn't do at all. The town would be disgraced forever. Dempsy. Post up your paper on the walls unsigned. It will do just as well. {Coniidenr tially.) I'll pay half the cost of printing it my- self. Flanigan (to O'Neill, rising). We're only wasting our time talking to him. He's committed to the other side already. Dempsy. Now don't be jumping at conclu- sions, Mike. Did I say I wouldn't sign any- thing you asked me ? Flanigan. You made excuses, which is very much the same. Dempsy. You are altogether wrong in your suspicions, Mike. I'll sign your protest with a heart and a half. Indeed, if you hadn't been so kind as to bring the paper to my bedside — (Flanigan looks round the room) — It's all the same as my bedside when I'm so ill — I'd travel to the Town Hall to sign it, if I had to crawl upon my knees. Flanigan. Mr. Dempsy, I ask your par- don for my doubts, I quite misunderstood you. Dempsy. Don't mention it, my friend, don't 49 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY mention it. It does my heart good to see such spirit in the yoimg men of to-day. It does that so; though Vm broken down myself and faiHng every hour [Mrs. Dempsy comes in. though the Hght is fading from my eyes — (to Mrs. Dempsy) my dear, I want my specta- cles^ — though old age creeps in upon me, and my hands tremble and my limbs stiffen — (Mrs. Dempsy hands Dempsy his spectacles) — thank you, my dear ! — it makes me young {raisifig his voice) to put my ar- mour on once more. {He puts on his spectacles.) Gentlemen — {in a business tone) — I have your words for it, that, no matter what happens after this, you'll not oppose my re-election to the Council. (Mrs. Dempsy stands looking out of the window.) Flanigan. Certainly, Mr. Dempsy. We'll do all we can to help you. O'Neill. We'll denounce any one who raises an objection to you now. Dempsy. Then the deed is done. {He signs paper. ) Mrs. Dempsy. May the Lord forgive you, Jerry! (O'Neill and Flanigan look sur- prised at Mrs. Dempsy^ zvho goes out.) SO THE ELCX5UENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Ladies don't understand these matters, boys. They're Conservatives at heart — every blessed one of them. Flanigan (going). Mr. Dempsy, you have acquitted yourself nobly. Your return is as- sured. Dempsy (taking O'Neill and Flanigan by the hand). God bless you both. You're a credit to the town. I wish we had a few more of your stamp to counteract the evil influences at work around us. [Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- Namara come in from L. D. fol- lowed by Mrs. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury. We are in a hurry, Mr. Dempsy, and, finding Mrs. Dempsy at the door, came straight up. We knew you would be anxiously awaiting us. The Dean has signed most willingly. (He looks suspiciously at O'Neill and Flanigan.) Dempsy. Two young friends of mine who just dropped in to cheer my lonely soli- tude. [He leads O'Neill and Flanigan towards the door and motions Mrs. Dempsy to get them off. Cannes down with Dr. Bunbury SI THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY and Captain McNamara. Mrs. Dempsy motions O'Neill and Flanigan to remain. They stand near door L. Dempsy {turning round to O'Neill and Flanigan). Good evening to you, boys. It was very good of you to call. {To Captain McNamara). Won't you take a seat, Captain, till we have a chat about the races I Doctor, Fll put out my tongue to you immediately. [Captain McNamara walks to win- doiv and looks out. Dr. Buneury {to Dempsy). These young men are trying to create dissension in the town, I hear. I hope you gave them good advice, and they will follow it. Dempsy {confused, to Mrs. Dempsy). Have you nothing down-stairs, my dear, to offer our friends? They won't put you to the trouble of carrying it up here, I know. Mrs. Dempsy {turning to sideboard). All they'll take's at hand, I think. {She proceeds to open sideboard and takes out glasses and two bottles of lemonade.) Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you will par- don one devoted to the cause of suffering hu- manity. Every moment of my time is precious. 52 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Life and death attend your foot- steps, Doctor. Catherine, the doctor wants to sound my chest. Must we go into the bed- room? {Looks at O'Neill and Flanigan suggestively.) Mrs. Dempsy. He sounded you thoroughly half-an-hour ago. Didn't you, Doctor! {She pours out lemonade for Flanigan and O'Neill.) Dr. Bunbury. As a professional man, my lips are sealed. McNamara {coming from window). Real- ly, we've all had quite enough of this. There's the address to the Chief Secretary. Sign it or not just as you're disposed. {Throws paper on table.) Perhaps these gentlemen {pointing to O'Neill and Flanigan) will oblige us with the use of their names also! Dr. Bunbury. A happy thought, indeed! Speaking from a neutral point of view, I don't see how they can refuse after their leading clergyman has signified approval. Mr. Demp- sy, according to his promise, leads the way. Dempsy {taking paper up). It's a mere matter of politeness, after all. A mere, idle matter of politeness. Flanigan. A matter of politeness that will 53 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY cost you your seat on the Council, Mr. Demp- sy. Dr. Bunbury. Refusal will endanger your appointment to the bench. Flanigan (angrily). So, Dempsy, that's the price of your apostasy ! The treason's out at last ! Dr. Bunbury. Treason is more in your line than in ours, my young man. Flanigan. What you call treason. Dr. Bunbury, I call loyalty. McNamara. It all depends upon one's point of view. Dr. Bunbury. In this matter there is only one point of view. It is Mr. Dempsy's interest to sign. As your medical adviser I prescribe it to get rid of all excitement. Dempsy. You hear what the Doctor orders. I'm a patient in his hands. O'Neill. As your nearest friend, I beg of you to decline his orders. McNamara (jocularly). As your political confederate, I advise you not to throw over the Chief Secretary. Dempsy. I'll lose my health if I do. Flanigan. You'll lose your character if you don't. 54 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Dr. Bunbury. You'll lose the custom of the gentry if you refuse. Flanigan. You'll be avoided by the people if you yield. Dr. Bunbury. Your license will be for- feited, as well as every claim to sit upon the bench. Mrs. Dempsy. Your business will be ruined, Jerry. Flanigan. And you'll be left to drink por- ter with policemen. Dempsy (taking up a pen.) With my fu- ture so amply provided for by you all, I can af- ford to be a trifle generous. (He signs.) There it is, Captain. The Chief Secretary is welcome to my bones. (Falls back in chair.) McNamara (flourishing paper). Jeremiah Dempsy, County Councillor, welcomes the Chief Secretary for Ireland to Cloghermiore ! Flanigan. Jeremiah Dempsy denounces the address. (Produces his paper.) McNamara. His name's here! Flanigan. And here!! (They examine each other's papers, and then put them in their breast pockets. Captain McNamara and Mrs. Dempsy laugh.) Dr. Bunbury. Well, I've seen some comf- 55 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY plications in the coiu'se of my career, but this one fairly staggers me. Flanigan. Well, Mr. Dempsy, it's all up with your election. I must denounce you as a traitor to the town. McNamara. Looks a bit like hedging, Mr. Flanigan ? Flanigan. It is worse than hedging, Cap- tain. It's riding under false colours. Dempsy. No, gentlemen, nothing of the kind. I acted like an open-minded man who sees the good on both sides and endeavours to be fair to everybody. Flanigan (to O'Neill). What are we to do now, Brian? O'Neill. Fight the issue at the poll, if we can find an honest man to stand against him. Flanigan. We'll have no difficulty in that. Dr. Bunbury. As a mere onlooker, anxious to avoid all violent expressions, I am reluctantly compelled to tell you, Mr. Dempsy, you have acted like a ruffian. Dempsy. Oh, doctor! After all I did to please you ! Dr. Bunbury. You have made the town ridiculous. 56 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY McNamara (jocularly). With the eyes of the world riveted upon it. Dr. Bunbury. McNamara, come away. You have his signature to the address. We'll present it without minding the other thing at all. His absurdities are of no consequence whatever. Mrs. Dempsy. Is that your political or pro- fession opinion, Doctor? Dr. Bunbury. Madam, it is both. Dempsy. Did you ever see such unreason- able people in your life, Catherine? They both forced me intO' this against my will; and, af- ter doing all I could to satisfy themi, they are ten times worse on me than ever. Mrs. Dempsy (smiling). Perhaps if you ex- plain yourself they'll change their minds. McNamara. By all means, Mr. Dempsy, let us have a speech. Dempsy (standing on a chair). Gentlemen, Mrs. Dempsy's genius solves the difficulty. Dr. Bunbury. Oh, indeed! (Mrs. Demp- sy sits with arms folded, smiling.) Dempsy. Yes, she's in my confidence, she understands my hidden springs and inner workings, and ventures to suggest if I reveal 57 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY them your suspicion, doubt, and hesitation will be instantly dispelled. McNamara. We haven't many doubts, Mr. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury. We know you now. You can't deceive us further. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- Namara, I thank you both for your acquittal. {They smile.) It does honour to your sense ol justice, as you did honour to mjy humble name when you requested it so prominently among the clergy, nobility and gentry in that unnecessary document which the gallant Cap- tain nurtures in his bosom. Gentlemen, for a few brief moments after you had left me my cup of joy seemed full. I gazed upon it, so to speak, surmounted by a foamy head which I felt that I must blow away ere I could taste the substance. Mrs. Dempsy. It all helps to fill the pot. Flanigan. You drank it froth and all, Jer- ry. Dempsy. No, Mike, I put it down untasted till you came tendering me a more seductive beverage — a beverage to which the Doctor's measure seemed the merest heel-tap. {Steps down.) 58 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Flanigan. You swallowed both of them. O'Neill. But Mr. Dempsy, you haven't ex- plained anything. Dempsy. Brian, when a simple man like me puts pen to paper, he's always sure to get the worst of it. O'Neill. We warned you before you signed It. Dr. Bunbury. What right have you, young man, to interfere? Dempsy. My friends, I'm not worth fight- ing over. I'm a man of few words, and even these I find it hard to stick to. Dr. Bunbury. That's no explanation of your conduct, sir. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury, it is your own con- duct, not mine, requires explanation. Dr. Bunbury. My conduct, sir! Dempsy. Yes ; you have, on both sides, sig- natures obtained from me by threats and prom- ises. I think if I enforce the law, I have it in my power to punish all of you, for gross intim- idation. But, being a man of peace, anxious to avoid ill-will, I offer you a compromise. Tear up the incriminating evidence, withdraw your opposition to my candidature, and I prom- ise solemnly to forgive everybody. (He 59 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY thumps the table. They all laugh. Mary Katei comes in.) Dr. Bunbury. Upon my word, Dempsy, you're remarkably magnanimous! Flanigan. Magniloquent ! McNamara. Magnificent ! Flanigan. Generous to the last ! Dempsy {bowing). Thank you, gentle- men. I felt you would acquit me. Mary Kate. The head-constable is below, and sends up word that the Chief Secretary can't stop after all. Flanigan. The people's will has tri- umphed ! Dr. Bunbury. And Cloghermore's dishon- oured in the eyes of Europe. McNamara {laughing). The Empire tot- ters on her diamond throne. Dempsy. There you are! You see what a lot of bother you have all been making over nothing. You might as well have taken my advice and torn up the papers when I asked you. Mary Kate {coming to Dempsy and em^ bracing him). Pa, you're the wisest man among them. You said at the beginning that 60 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY the Secretary wouldn't stop to visit at such a cracked pitcher of a town as this. Dempsy. My dear, you shouldn't repeat your father's idle jokes. Flanigan. You'll find it's no joke calling Cloghermiore a cracked pitcher. I'll stand against you for the Council, and I'll fight you out on this as well as other issues. Dr. Bunbury. McNamara, you must stand against them both. The respectable people of the town will rally round you to a man. McNamara. For the fun of the rallying, I don't mind if I do. Dempsy, I'm going to be your rival with the many-headed multitude. Mrs. Dempsy. Now, we're in for sport! Flanigan. Now we're in for principle! Dempsy. Now we're in for ructions! O'Neill. Three cheers for Flanigan ! Dr. Bunbury. Three cheers or Mc- Namara ! Mary Kate. Three cheers for Pa ! [They all cheer together. Dempsy hows. Curtain. 6i ACT III Scene: The same. Morning, a week later, Mary Kate and Mrs. Dempsy discovered looking out of window. They come from th'e window. Mrs. Dempsy. They take a long time to count the votes. Mary Kate. The three lots make it trouble- some, I suppose. Mrs. Dempsy. And three such odd lots, Mary Kate! The town never had so much variety. {Shouting heard zvithout.) There they are, at last. (Both rush to window.) Mary Kate. Mike Flanigan's on the steps waving his hat. He must be in, and Pa out of it. Poor Pa ! Mrs. Dempsy. I'm very glad to see it. Mary Kate. What a shame. Ma! — After all Pa's lovely speeches! Look! There he is, and Brian, too ! — Pa's going to address the crowd. {Cheers, boos and shouts in the dis- tance. ) 62 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. He'd never be such a fool after they had thrown him out. Mary Kate. Yes, he's going to speak. He's holding up his hand. Mrs. Dempsy. So he is — the omadhawn! — Look! They're rushing for him! Oh, they'll have his life! (Groans and shouts come nearer.) Mary Kate {leaning out of the zmndow and shouting to the crowd). Stop that! Let my father alone, you villains. Ma, ma, they're tearing him to bits ! Mrs. Dempsy. No. Brian and Mike are running to the rescue. I wonder where the Captain is? He doesn't show himself at all. Mary Kate. Ah! there's the police at last. Pa's safe now ! Mrs. Dempsy. No, he's not ! The women have got hold of him — (louder) — Let his coat go, Judy Heffernan! — Come in and pay your bill, Mrs. Brady, then you'll be fit to talk to him. (To Mary Kate.) I must run down and open the hall door. (She rushes out. The clamour approaches.) Mary Kate (still at the zvindozv.) God be praised! He's through the door. They've nothing but his hat to kick now. (She comes 63 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY from the zmndozv and stands near the door speaking off.) Oh Pa, they haven't killed yOiU? {Enter Dempsy zmthout his hat. His coat and black frock are badly torn. He is fol- lowed by O'Neill and Mrs. Dempsy.) Mrs. Dempsy. Are you hurt at all? O'Neill. Not much, Mrs. Dempsy. He'll be all right in a minute. Mrs. Dempsy. Judy didn't kick you hard? Dempsy. Only with her bare feet, Cathe- rine. O'Neill {pointing). That's what soiled his clothes, Mrs. Dempsy. It'll brush off. Mrs. Dempsy. Her boots are in the pawn. Glory be to God ! Dempsy. I gave her a shilling to get them out last night. Mrs. Dempsy. She drunk the money in the shop down-stairs this morning. Dempsy. That's lucky for me. If she had her brogues, I wouldn't have a sound bone left in my body. Mrs. Dempsy. Well, I'll see her tongue a yard out of her mouth before she'll get an- other drop from me — the rascal ! Mary Kate. So you're thrown out by 64 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mike Flanigan, and his friends. {Looking angrily at O'Neill.) Dempsy. I polled only five-and-thirty votes. Mrs. Dempsy. And you made at least five- and-thirty speeches, Jerry. Mary Kate. They ought to be ashamed of themselves! {To O'Neill.) Don't speak to me again, Brian. Mrs. Dempsy. What matter, when your father isn't coming home to us a corpse! — or even wounded! Dempsy. I ami wounded, Catherine, in my tenderest feelings. Mrs. Dempsy. Thank God it's nothing worse, poor man! Dempsy {turning round). O'Neill, did you hear that? Beaten at the poll! derided by a ravening mob of women! my hat forfeited, my coat torn! my character degraded by the insult of police protection! — and my wife thanks God it's nothing worse! Enemy though you are, you wouldn't go as far as that. O'Neill. I'm no enemy of yours, Mr. Dempsy. I fought against misgovernment — not you. 65 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. You fought like an ungrateful child against his fond adopted father. Mrs. Dempsy. Never mind, Jerry. You're well out of it. Dempsy (ruefully looking at himself). She calls this well out of it ! Mrs. Dempsy. Sure, you might have got a polthogue that would injure you for life. Dempsy. No polthogue could injure me as much as Sergeant Gallagher's protection with a baton. Mary Kate. You'll be even with themi all yet. Pa, if you keep up your heart. Dempsy. I don't want to be even with the rabble, Mary Kate. I'm done with them for ever. O'Neill. They're vexed with you for sign- ing that address. Mrs. Dempsy. And calling Cloghermore a cracked pitcher. O'Neill. It was a great mistake, entirely. Dempsy (to O'Neill). You helped to make the most of my mistake. When you stabbed me with a vote of censure in the back, I couldn't help recalling Csesar's touching words, "And thou, too, Brian !" 66 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY O'Neill. It'll blow over soon. It's only friends that's in it. Mary Kate (to Brian). /'// never speak to you again. (She goes to the zvindow.) O'Neill. I am very sorry, Mr. Dempsy, that you left our side. (Shouts.) If you hadn't, we'd have stuck to you. Dempsy. You're sticking to me now when it's no use. Mary Kate (at zmvdow). There's the crowd chairing Mr. Flanigan upon their shoulders. [Shouts come nearer and die away again. Dempsy. To think how I've been handled by the people that I waited on, the scum I toiled for at the porter-pulls, the tongues I cooled on credit, the hands I thrust the cop- pers back again into and said, *'Go home, avic, you've had enough to-night." Mrs. Dempsy. Well, let them have their way. Sit down and promise you'll have noth- ing more to do with any of them. {She places a pillozv for Dempsy, who sits down pain- fully . ) Dempsy. Catherine, I'll never sit upon a board again, I promise you. 67 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y Mrs. Dempsy. You won't go making speeches to them any more. Will you, dear? Dempsy. Not one. From this day for- ward my speech will be — silence! Mrs. Dempsy. And you'll give up the public-house and come and live for ever in the country 1 Dempsy. I can't give up my little means of living. Mrs. Dempsy. Then I'm afraid, Jerry it'll give up you. O'Neill. Mr. Dempsy, I'll leave you for a bit. (Going.) Dempsy. Leave me on St. Helena's barren shore, the wreck of former greatness. [O'Neill goes out, beckoning Mary Kate^ zvho at -first refuses to notice and then runs after him. Fortune has done her worst. Her arrows all are spent. [Mary Kate goes out. Mrs. Dempsy. No, nor half of them. Look at the bundle I have here. (She takes papers from the table.) Dempsy. More poisoned shafts! More ar- rows for my bosom ! Mrs. Dempsy. Ay, a dozen of them. They 68 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY were coming in all week, but I didn't want to bother you about them during your election. Dempsy. My election!— No matter! Noth- ing can wound me now ! . . . What are they about ? Mrs. Dempsy (taking up a paper). You are expelled from the Tenants' League, the Football Club, the United Temperance Asso- ciation. Dempsy. Is that all! Mrs. Dempsy. Oh dear no! The Anti- Treaters forbid you to sell any more liquor over bargains on a Fair-day. It's against their principles. Dempsy. Tell them to give it away for nothing is against mine. Mrs. Dempsy. The Anti-Emigration So- ciety directs you to cease selling emigration tickets on pain of expulsion from their body. Dempsy. The shipping companies dis- charged me a week ago for joining that so- ciety. Mrs. Dempsy. The Loyal and Patriotic Cricket Club, the True Blue Cyclists, the Im- perial-Minded Society for the Protection of Milestones, direct you send no more wine to their assemblies. 69 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. They never had above two dozen pints of shilling claret. Mrs. Dempsy. The Royal Irish Constabu- lary cancel their order for supplies of bottled stout, pigs' cheeks, and shoe-polish. Dempsy. That's serious! They were the best customers we had for bottled stout and polish. Mrs. Dempsy. The Old Maids' Hospital will take no more tea, but, out of consideration for your wife, they agree to take as hereto- fore your annual donation. Dempsy. God bless their sunny hearts! There's some hope for us still. Mrs. Dempsy. Not much. The Committee of the Fife and Drum/ Band resolved at last meeting to refuse the next subscription you may be induced to offer them. They'll beat no more drums for you, Jerry, unless when you are speeching. Dempsy. It looks as if the best thing I can do is gracefully retire from these offices of trust. Mrs. Dempsy (putting azvay papers). Yes, and from the business, too, if you'll take my advice. The public taste is off you, Jerry. Dempsy. It's only a bit deranged. I feel 70 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY that I could win it back if they'd agree to listen to me. [Cheers outside. Dempsy starts and turns round. Mary Kate comes in excitedly. Mary Kate. Oh, Pa, there's a great crowd outside. They want you to address them, I am certain. Dempsy (rising). I knew they'd come to me again! They can't resist my eloquence. Mrs. Dempsy (pushing him back into the chair). Nonsense, dear. They're nothing but the rubbish of the town, wanting to get fun out of you. Remember St. Helena. A Voice outside. Give us a speech, Mr. Dempsy. We'll put you in next time. (Cheers and boos outside.) Dempsy (again rising). It is miyself they want to lead them, after all. Mrs. Dempsy. It's yourself they want to make a fool of. You wouldn't break your promise, Jerry dear! (She pushes him again into his chair.) Dempsy. I'll not be held back from my people, Catherine. I'll speak to them once more!— just one word more! 71 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Mrs. Dempsy. You'll be getting every window in the house broken. Dempsy. I've had more precious idols broken than my windows. I'll speak to them or die. Mrs. Dempsy. Oh Jerry, Jerry — after all you promised me ! Mary Kate (from zmidozu). They don't look angry at all, Ma. I'm sure they want to hear him. Dempsy. The charm of my eloquence al- lures them still. Mrs. Dempsy (sadly). Very well! Fol- low your old fagary to the end ! Dempsy (rising). I'll not be muzzled, Catherine, by any one. The multitudes are calling, calling out for more. Mike Flanigan can't give them what they want of me. Mary Kate (coming from the zmndow). O'h Pa, you must take off this torn coat. (She proceeds to take off his coat.) A Voice (outside). Jerry, don't be afraid to show yourself ! Dempsy. They think I'm afraid. I'll teach the rascals better. Another Voice. Dempsy 's gone to bed ! 72 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Did yoii hear that ? Make haste ! (Groans outside.) [O'Neill comes in. He whispers to Mrs. Dempsy. Meanzvhile Mary Kate is assisting Dempsy to take oif his coat. Mrs. Dempsy picks up his dressing-gown and throtvs it towards them. It is turned inside out. Mrs. Dempsy sits down in the easy chair in a sulky uninterested attitude, and as Mary Kate goes over to the side with the torn coat, Dempsy hastily puts on his dressing-gown inside out. The dressing-gown is green lined zvith orange, th^ Irish party colours. None of them notice the ■ accident. The noise goes on out- side. Dempsy (going tozmrds the window). Make way, O'Neill, I've got my fighting har- ness on. O'Neill. So I see, Mr. Dempsy. But is it worth your while? {He opens the window for Dempsy. Dempsy. I'll not be dumb to spare your 7?^ THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY feelings, Brian. I'll give your friends a drub- bing, I can tell you. Mary Kate. Show them you're no coward, Pa. Mrs. Dempsy (sarcastically). That's right! To puff him up with rubbish, after their abusing him to death ! O'Neill. I don't think, sir, you should lower yourself to talk to them. Dempsy (pompously). Among them in the street I was upon their level. Here' they're but a sea of battered hats and faces. Behold how I subdue them! (He goes to the win- dow and begins to speak to those outside. The noise gradually increases as he proceeds.) Ladies and gentlemen, in this first moment of defeat — A Voice. No, it's a victory! Another Voice. Whist ! Dempsy (severely). In this first moment of defeat and humiliation — for the town of Cloghermore — A Voice, Flanigan for ever! (Cheers.) Dempsy. When all is lost but honour — A Voice. The Lord forgive you! Dempsy. Rising from the field of battle, 74 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y where I fell, with my flag still floating proudly over me — [Groans outside. Dr. Bunbury and McNamara come in. And my country's colours wrapped aroimd my hrcact [''Oh! our outside. I proclaim myself a deathless martyr for the Green. Voices. Boo-oo-ooh! You Orangeman! You Orangeman! You turncoat! Dempsy {to those on the stage). Why do they call me Orangeman? Is there anything about my personal appearance that offends them! Mary Kate (alarmed). Pa, dear, you have your gown on wrong! ! ! Dempsy (looking at himself). O Lord, I am undone for ever! ! ! [He totters down the stage, and stands swaying backward and for- ward. O'Neill closes the win- dow. I am lost! I am disgraced, I am dishonoured in the eyes of all m.y people! I'll not survive this day of many sorrows. Mrs. Dempsy. Don't be bothered with 75 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY them any more. Maybe it's for the best you made this comical mistake. Dempsy. It is, indeed, my Waterloo at last! [Mary Kate takes off his gown. The green side is now turned out. Mrs. Dempsy holds up his tweed coat. Mrs. Dempsy. Then peel off Waterloo and put on honest homlespun. Don't be doubt- ful which becomes you best. The gown was made in Manchester. [She holds up his tweed coat. Dempsy looks at it, then at the green gown, and appears doubtful. He puts on the tweed coat. Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you have still open a retreat of honour. {He holds up a paper.) McNamara. Where you can serve the people and the State according as the wind blows. Mrs. Dempsy. I wish to the Lord you'd leave the man alone — the lot of you. Dr. Bunbury. It is my privilege to tell you, Mr. Dempsy, that you are at last ap- 76 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY pointed, through my efforts, a Justice of the Peace. Here is your commission. Dempsy. What is anything to me without the people's favour ? Dr. Bunbury. This will bring you more respect than you ever had before. McNamara. The police will touch their caps to you in passing by. Mrs. Dempsy. Don't believe him, Jerry. Be wise, and throw it out the window. Dempsy (taking the paper from Bun- bury). You think it will restore me all that I have lost? Dr. Bunbury. Most certainly! It's the highest honour any citizen could hope for. McNamara. The great paladium of lib- erty, as everybody knows in Ireland. Dempsy. It looks like a commitment from the court of bankruptcy — (reading) — "To all to whom these presents shall come, greeting." Mrs. Dempsy. It's the worse present ever cam)e across your doorstep. If you set up as a magistrate, not a decent man will speak to you. Dempsy (proudly). Maybe I'll not want to speak to them. Jeremiah Dempsy, Jay Pee, won't be kicked by Judy Heffernan for an 77 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY hour less than three months hard. {Looks again at the commission.) Mrs. Dempsy (doubtfully) . It might bring back the orders from the Cricket Club, but the Fife and Drum Band is muffled for ever. Dempsy. Do you think, Catherine, I really wish to wear this barren honour? (Holds up paper.) Dr. Bunbury. A barren honour, sir! Your words are treasonable to the State. Dempsy. The State's the people, Doctor. I will stick to them, in spite of your temptations. [Flanigan comes in. Flanigan. I call, Mrs. Dempsy, tO' express regret for the conduct of the crowd. I hope they did no harm. Mrs. Dempsy. No, Mr. Flanigan. They did my husband all the good in life. Their conduct shows him what public life is worth. But he loves the people still, and he's going to pay them back by further sacrifices in their welfare. (Whispers Dempsy.) Dr. Bunbury. The incident shows him which side it pays best to follow. Mrs. Dempsy (to Flanigan). Dr. Bun- bury brings him the Commission of the Peace. 78 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y He's going to tear it up to redeem his honest character. Won't you, Jerry? Dempsy {thoughtfully) . That would be a reHnquishment indeed! A worthy ending to a hfe of sacrifice. Mrs. Dempsy. It would be the making of us all over again, and set up Mary Kate and Brian here for ever. Dempsy {to Flanigan). Mike Flanigan, you think yourself a general, and I a broken- soldier. I'll teach you how defeat may be turned into victory. McNamara. Bravo, Dempsy! Show us your forlorn hope. Mrs. Dempsy. Show them you don't want to sit among them, Jerry, on the bench. Dempsy. I'll show you all how I can rise superior to misfortune, till the very crowd ac- knowledge it. Dr. Bunbury. What fresh dodge is he attempting now? Dempsy. A dodge, Dr. Bunbury, that's en- tirely your own contriving, but one you'll not appreciate, because its honest and done above the counter in the eyes of everybody. {To O'Neill.) Open the window, Brian. I will 79 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Speak again. The world will judge between me and my enemies. [O'Neill opens the windozv. Iron- ical cheers are heard outside. Mrs. Dempsy. In the name of glory, it's not another speech you're going to give them ! {She tries to pull him hack.) McNamara. His forlorn hope is flying round outside. Dempsy {to Mrs. Dempsy). One word more and I am done for ever. Mrs. Dempsy. It'll be one word more till the breath is out of you. Dempsy. No, this is positively my very last! [He goes to the window with the Commission in his hand. Groans^ cheers, and boos outside. A Voice. Jeremiah's turned his coat again ! Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, I humbly apologize that in the excitement of a moment ago I came before you inside out, as one may phrase it. A Voice. You done it to be made a Magis- trate! {Groans.) Dempsy. To that I answer for the benefit 80 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY of all concerned, — Down with Magistrates! {Cheers outside.) A Voice. Oh you rogue! A Voice. No, he's right for once! {Cheers and laughter.) Dempsy. Down with Justices of the Peace! {Cheers again.) Down with Chief Secretaries! {Terrific cheers.) Dr. Bunbury. The Lord Chancellor shall hear of this. Dempsy. Down with Lord Chancellors and down with Dr. Bunbury, the greatest wire- puller of them all! {Uproar and cheers stUl louder. ) [Dr. Bunbury tries to pull hack Dempsy. McNamara restrains him. Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, through the instigation of this arch intriguer, this backstairs politician, this concocter of un- wholesome pills and self-destroying politics, the Government has tried to bribe me with its glittering honours. They have not succeeded. {A pause.) A Voice. It's himself says it! Don't be humbugging, Jerry! 8i THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY Dempsy. Yes, it's myself says it, but you shall be my judges how I humbug you and how I immolate myself for love of you. (Cheers.) McNamara (to Bunbury). Not going to hang himself, I hope? Dempsy. A little while ago, impelled by patriotic fervour, you felt it was your duty to accost my person roughly. {Laughter from the crozvd.) Let you and those who stand be- hind me judge if you were in the right or in the wrong. Around me, at this moment, are assembled representatives of every rank and class in Cloghermore. Their presence is a testimony of the kindness which, notwith- standing all our difference of opinion, under- lies the Irish character. {Cheers zvithout.) Dr. Bunbury. This is a monstrous per- version. McNamara. It's the best thing he's ever done in his life. Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, in proof of my sincerity, I have here your worthy rep- resentative, Mr. Flanigan — {cheers) — the suc- cessful opponent on whom the mantle of my dignity has fallen. {Cheers. Mrs. Dempsy offers the dressing-gown to Flanigan^ who laughingly declines it.) I have also here be- 82 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY neath my humble roof, Captain McNamara, my unsuccessful opponent — if so brave a war- rior will allow me to associate his name with aught but laurelled victories. (Cheers.) Over and above all, my old friend. Dr. Bunbury, in spite of what has passed between us, is present in this room; and each and all of these are here to show their confidence in me remains unshaken. A Voice (outside). Don't believe them, Jerry. (Boos and cheers outside.) [Dr. Bunbury tries to get at Dempsy^ but is held by Mc- Namara and O'Neill. Dempsy. Gentlemen, it is not in my nature to doubt the sincerity of others, and Dr. Bun- bury at the present moment has to be restrained by force from coming to this window to de- clare his faith in me unshaken. Here is the Commission of the Peace which he has brought me, and here is how I rend it. (He tears up the paper and Uings it to the crowd, who cheer frantically.) I will not take their bribes, I will not take their honours. In sight of this assembly I refuse to be a Magistrate at any earthly price. Dr. Bunbury. He's the greatest rascal 83 THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y that I ever came across in either my private or professional capacity. Mrs. Dempsy. That's enough. For God's sake, shut the window. Dempsy. One word more, and I take fare- well of you for ever. The matter is a personal one, but as a family man I can't assume an indifference which is foreign to my nature. I ami parting with my business and my child. {He takes out his handkerchief.) In a few days you will see a new name on the sign- board. It will be a name familiar to you all, the name of Brian O'Neill, who'll be my daughter's husband, while the goods behind the counter will be of the same high quality as ever. {Cheers without.) A Voice. Don't leave us altogether, Jerry! A Voice. Sorrow one we'll have to cheer! {Louder cheers.) Dempsy. My friends, old age should be a time of peace, and in the sweet simplicity of country life, enlivened by experimental agri- culture, with my good wife at my side, per- haps a grandchild at my knee, I shall find that solace public life denied me in the roar and bustle of this busy town. {Loud cheers with- 84 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY out. Dempsy bozvs. O'Neill closes the win- dow. ) I bid the world farewell. McNamara. Going to plough your lone furrow, Mr. Dempsy! Dempsy. My furrow will be ploughed in Irish earth. You'd better come and help me with it, Bunbury. (Dr. Bunbury goes out.) Mrs. Dempsy. God bless you, Jerry ! You have done at last! [She puts her hand on his shoulder. Flanigan. And done it well, Mrs. Dempsy. I congratulate you both. McNamara. I, too, congratulate you. The world has missed a statesman in you, Dempsy. Dempsy. As much, Captain, as a general in you. (They shake hands.) Take care of Dr. Bunbury, for the sake of his poor patients. [McNamara goes out. Mary Kate. Pa, I knew your enemies could never conquer you. Dempsy. Nobody but your mother can do that, my dear; and if only you take after her, Brian needn't care who votes against him. Mrs. Dempsy. I done it for your own sake, Jerry (caressing him). Dempsy. Ay, or the sake of right and jus- 85 THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY tice, Catherine {caressing her). And, if you'll allow me just a few brief observations — (oratoricaUy) — I'll be able tO' convince you — Mrs. Dempsy (interrupting zmth a ges- ture). Oh, I'm convinced enough already. Your eloquence is ended. [Dempsy bozvs profoundly io her. Curtain. Z6 LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS III 014 642 770 4