^PS 635 .Z9 §N5655 ^Copy 1 HARRY L. NEWTON'S One-Act Comedy Sketches, Monologues and Dramatic Episodes 1 J e> ACTOR AND THE JANITOR, THE A Comic Novelty Act CASEY THE INVENTOR A Vaudeville Comic CHATTER Monologue for Males. COLLEGE CHUMS, THE A Comedy Incident DOWN IN PARADISE ALLEY Comedy Sketch FAMILY SECRET Monologue GIVE THE WOMEN A CHANCE A Suffragette Monologue IMMIGRANT INSPECTOR A Comedy Talkfest IN A CABARET Comedy Crossfi/e INVITATION TO THE BALL Comedy Sketch IZZY'S VACATION A Summer Episode JACK AND HIS QUEEN, A A Comedietta KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BALL Comedy Sketch MEET MY WIFE A Comedy Drama MORNING AFTER THE NIGHT BEFORE, THE A Comedy Domestic Upheaval PAIR OF PANTS, A Talking Act ROSE OF MEXICO, A A Drama SALLIE AND SAMM1E A Comedy Skit SPIRIT OF CAPTAIN KIDD, THE Comedy TWO GIRLS AND HIM Comedy Sketch WHAT EVERY WOMAN THINKS SHE KNOWS Suffragette Monologue Price, 25 Cents Each ^*3 3 M. WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, 144-146 West 37th Street, New York FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS "A TRAMP AMONG CRANKS," Or PERPETUAL MOTION. Sketch for 6 males. By Frank Dumont. A laughable experience in a sanitarium of "eccentric" inventors. Contains an excellent low comedy part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "TWO WOMEN AND ONE MAN." Sketch for two females. By Frank Dumont. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Bella Sanders, j Estelle Williams, J ; • • ■ • Colle S e Chums Two schoolmates meet, not having seen each other since leaving college. The talk over old times is very amusing. Naturally, they talk over the good and bad points of other mates, although neither believed in "running down" their neighbors. While in college they had agreed never to marry without consulting the other, but time changes matters and they both fall in love with the same man. Nothing could bring discord to these two loyal friends — but — the man — makes a change, and, womanlike, they abuse each other with the tongue. It turns out that the man marries one of their despised mates, so nothing is left but to console each other by ridiculing the man's choice. Excellent sketch for two ladies. Can be done in white or black face. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD." A Modern Musical Burlesque. By Frank Dumont. Five Males — Two Females. There are many burlesques on "Little Red Riding Hood." Mr. Dumont, however, has really outdone all others on this occasion. Ours is an unusual production. We have incorporated all the musical numbers in the book of the play, including the dramatic or cue music. Any musical society can handle this version. Contains excellent speaking parts and abounds in good comedy lines and music. Price, 50 cents, postpaid. With complete piano score of original vocal and incidental numbers. We also rent manuscript arrangements for orchestra when desired. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. IN A CABARET A COMEDY CROSS-FIRE By HARRY Iv. NEWTON Copyright MCMXIV by M. Witmark & Sons International copyright secured Published by M. WITMARK & SONS Witmark Building, New York CHICAGO LONDON i (i IN A CABARET Note. — The acting rights of this Sketch are ex- pressly reserved by the Publishers, to whom Theatrical Managers who wish to produce it should apply. Amateur repre- sentation may be made without such appli- cation and without charge. SEP -21914 © CLD 38033 K*0 / CHARACTERS. Mrs. Chester Chatterbox — A Young Widow. Mortimer Square — A Man About Town. Scene — An interior in "two." A cozy corner in a Cabaret. Small table and two chairs C. Time of Representation — About twelve minutes. COSTUMES. Mrs. Chatterbox — Swell black and white eve- ning gown. Mortimer — Full evening clothing. Note. — Songs may be introduced during action at option of performers. X DIAGRAM OF STAGE. D.R.C. CO. b.i-X R.3.C J J J I ni.E. IX, Vug V.2.C . v., V AUDIE.NCE. L. i E. — Left first entrance. R. i E. — Right first entrance. L. U. E. — Left upper entrance. C. — Centre of stage. R. C. — Right centre of stage. L. C, — Left centre of stage. C. D. — Centre door. D. R. C. — Door right centre. D. L. C. — Door left centre. IN A CABARET A Comedy Cross-Fire By Harry L. Newton. (At rise enter Mortimer from R. 2. E. and Mrs. Chatterbox from L. 2. E. They bow in formal manner, then sit.) Mortimer — I am pleased to meet you again. Mrs. C. — Thanks. Mortimer — How are the children? Mrs. C — What children ? Mortimer — Ours. Mrs. C, — We never had any. Mortimer — Oh, I beg your pardon. Very stupid of me. I mistook you for somebody else. Are you drinking anything? Mrs. C. — Yes, anything. Mortimer — Thanks. What trade are you follow- ing now ? IN A CABARET Mrs. C. — I'm a widow. Mortimer — How's business? Mrs. C— Sir! Mortimer — Did your husband leave you much? Mrs. C— Nearly. Mortimer — Nearly what? Mrs. C. — Nearly every night. . . . Whom are you working for now? Mortimer — Same people. A wife and three children. Mrs. C. — Strange. I didn't know you were mar- ried. Mortimer — I married a widow. Mrs. C. — So? Where did you meet her? Mortimer — I didn't meet her; she overtook me. Mrs. C. — Is she a blonde or brunette? Mortimer — I don't know. I'm a stranger around here myself. Mrs. C. (Sighs) — Ah, poor me! I might have been somebody, but I was left an orphan. Mortimer — That so? What did you do with it? Mrs. C. — Ah, I shall never forget my first pro- posal of marriage. He told me of his love and there was a ring of sincerity in his voice. Mortimer — Well, that ring should have been in his hand. You know a ring in the hand is worth a dozen in the voice. Mrs. C. — Oh, but you should have heard his pleading. Mortimer — Pleading? My goodness, did he have to plead for you? IN A CABARET Mrs. C. — Why, certainly. What do you suppose he did? Mortimer — Why, I thought he just made a grab —that's all. Mrs. C. — Never, sir! He pleaded. . . But I was deaf to his pleading. Mortimer — How deaf? Mrs. C. — Oh, very deaf. Then he showed me a diamond ring. Mortimer — I see. You were deaf but not stone deaf. Mrs. C. — Very bright of you, I'm sure. Mortimer — Yes ; you see I'm a polished man. Mrs. C. — By the way, how T tall should a girl be if her sweetheart is six feet tall ? Mortimer — That's easy. She should be just tall enough to come up to his expectations. Mrs. C. — Splendid. You have an answer for everything. Did you ever hear me sing? Mortimer — Yes. Are you going to apologize? Mrs. C— What for? Mortimer — For singing. Mrs. C. — You heard me sing last evening and you applauded. Mortimer — A man will do anything once. Mrs. C. — Do you think I sung with feeling? Mortimer — No. If you had any feeling you wouldn't sing. Mrs. C. — What's the matter? Don't you feel well? IN A CABARET Mortimer — No. Mrs. C. — Do you drink water when you are eat- ing? Mortimer — No, and I don't drink water when I am drinking. Mrs. C. — Why don't you settle down and work hard? Mortimer — I can't do hard work. I strained myself once. Mrs. C— How? Mortimer — My father had a heavy mortgage on his farm and I tried to lift it. Are you going to re-marry ? Mrs. C. — No. A good man is too hard to get. When I marry again I w^ant a man who doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, flirt, stay out nights or swear, but at the same time I wouldn't object to his having a good time. Mortimer — Where ? Mrs. C. — If you lost your wife would you marry again ? Mortimer — No. Mrs. C— Why not? Mortimer — Because I can't afford a 1913 wife on my 1903 salary. Mrs. C. — My Brother got married last week. Mortimer — Was that his wife I saw him with yesterday? Mrs. C. — Yes. He was very hard up when he married her. Mortimer — He must have been. IN A CABARET 8 Mrs. C. — According to your statement of a moment ago, you don't receive a very large salary per. Mortimer — My last year's expense book re- minds me of a play I saw last week. Mrs. C. — Which one — "Ready Money" ? Mortimer— Xo; "The Follies of 1913." Mrs. C. — That reminds me. I believe you were intoxicated last evening. Mortimer — Well, if I wasn't I spent four dollars for nothing. Mrs. C. — You had some difficulty with a lady guest, did you not? Mortimer — I believe I did. You mean the one with a coming-out gown? Mrs. C. — Yes. Mortimer — I stepped on it. Mrs. C— Well? Mortimer — She came out. Mrs. C. — Do you believe it's a man's duty to hook his wife's gown in the back? Mortimer — A man who refuses to hook his wife's gown in the back is a patriot. A martyr is one who attempts and fails, while a hero tries and succeeds. Mrs. C. — Then what is a coward? Mortimer — Oh, a coward is a man who remains single, so he won't have to try. Mrs. C. — Very good. Did you say you were going to Atlantic City? IN A CABARET Mortimer — Yes. Mrs. C. — For the week end? Mortimer — No; my stomach. . . My stomach has never been right since I boarded with your mother. Mrs. C. — My mother set an excellent table. Mortimer — That's all she did set that was ex- cellent, the table. Mrs. C. — Didn't she give you scrambled eggs for breakfast ? Mortimer — Sure she did. She used to put an egg on the table and the boarders would scramble to see who got it. Mrs. C. — Well, my mother used to keep her boarders long. Mortimer — Yes, long and thin. I remember the boarders used to go fishing so that we'd have some- thing to eat. I'll never forget my last fishing trip. Mrs. C— Did the fish bite? Mortimer — Did they? Say, I had to hide be- hind trees to keep them from biting me. Mrs. C. — Oh, go on. Mortimer — All right, I will. Anyhow that day I caught a big string of fish, and started home with them, and I met my wife. Mrs. C. — Your wife? Mortimer — My wife that was to be. I said to her, "Let's get married." and she said all right. So we went to the minister, my wife that was to be, the string of fish and me. I asked the minister how much he'd charge to make us one — IN A CABARET 10 Mrs. C. — Your wife that was to be, the string bf fish and you? Mortimer — No, not the string of fish. My wife that was to be and me. The minister said he wanted four dollars. I told him I didn't have four dollars, but that I had a string of fish. Mrs. C. — And what did he say? Mort.mer — He said he would marry us for the string of fish. I told him that I had caught the fish to eat, but that I would give the fish to him for marrying us. So he took the fish. Mrs. C— Yes? Mort.mer — And that's all, except that I've al- ways been sorry that I didn't eat the fish. — Finish with Song— CURTAIN PLAYS— SKETCHES AND MONOLOGUES 'THE HABITAT'S REVENGE." A Play in One Act. For 2 Males. By Gordon Rogers. A Canadian-French trapper, while recalling how he and his daughter were wronged by a stranger to whom he showed hospitality, twenty years ago, that very night, and plotting revenge, is suddenly visited by apparently the same man, whom he recognizes, but who does not recognize him. Taking the visitor at a disadvantage, the trapper, before wreaking vengeance upon him, discloses his identity, and recites his wrongs to him, recalling how he was robbed of his only daughter, twenty years before, by the handsome stranger. While the trapper is seeking his child his aged father dies at home, and the daughter afterwards returns to her father's cabin only to die on its threshold. For all this, vows the trapper, the other must die, but just as the much-wronged man is about to put his threat into execution, the younger, realizing that he is the son of the wrongdoer, declares himself just in time to save his life. A powerful dramatic story, most effectively told, and affording opportunities for the portrayal of a strong character study and of an attractive juvenile part. Price, 25 cents, postpaid "THE REHEARSAL." A Novel Social Entertainment. For 7 Females. By Erne W. Merriam, In this most amusing playlet the participants mingle with the audience, thus making the entertainment ap- pear to be entirely extemporaneous. Neither stage, scenery nor special costumes are needed to make it effective; in fact "The Rehearsal" may be acceptably given either in the parlor or on the porch or lawn, and is so arranged that very little memorizing is neces- sary — a great point in its favor, especially when but little time can be given to preparation. Price, 25 cents, postpaid M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. FRANK DUMONT'S FAMOUS PLAYS "The DIALECT COMEDIAN. By Frank Dumont. This is a work that has been much called for. Bits of every dialect are presented, giving stories, jokes and gags as they should be told. The little book will assist you greatlv. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "THE ST. LOUIS FAIR HOTEL." Sketch by Frank Dumont. Four Male Characters. Fun galore in this sketch. It shows an avaricious hotel keeper in operation assisted by his "faithful" man- of-all-work. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "McWADE'S PLATOON." Burlesque Dialect Police Drill. FINALE FOR FIRST PART. By Frank Dumont. Several nationalities are presented in this drill, giving splendid opportunities for good comedy work. Songs and marches are introduced, making an excellent finale or number for the olio. Something new. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "WHEN WOMEN RULE US." Burlesque and Court House Scene. By Frank Dumont. Twenty Characters. This satire is arranged specially for ladies wherein all the characters are assumed by them; the two hus- bands being represented by the ladies also. This burlesque may be used by gentlemen who, at- tired in grotesque imitation of female wardrobe and fads, can create any amount of laughter by imitating the gentle sex in mannerisms. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. "MY NEW TYPEWRITER." Sketch by Frank Dumont. CAST OF CHARACTERS. Fine A. Silk, a busy agent Mrs. Silk, his wife, assuming disguises of tough girl, old maid and a gushing girly-girly typewriter A "screaming" sketch for one male and one female. Most excellent for a clever woman who can do char- acter parts. In this sketch the female character is obliged to assume three distinct roles, all of which lead up to complications that are ludicrously funny. Plenty of work for the male character — always busy. "My New Typewriter" is a satire on a popular topic. The theme is carefully worked out. Price, 25 cents, postpaid. M. WITMARK & SONS 87 Witmark Bldg. New York POSITIVELY NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. THE VERY U PLAYS, MONOLOGUES, S LIBRARY OF CONGRESS BY 017 401 127 8 [ARRY L. NEWTON "A Rose of Mexico" A Comedy-Dramatic Playlet of Mexican Life. An Original Dramatic Playlet for one Male and one Female, the scene of which is laid in Mexico The story is of Carmita, a Mexican girl, recently returned from school in the United States, and Pedro, a Mexican youth who has turned bandit in her ab- sence to secure money enough to ask her to marry him. "A Pair of Pants" A Rapid-Fire Talking Act. This act for straight man and comedian who wants his three dollars, while the other wants his pants, runs riot with fun, gags, absurdities and snap- py lines. Plenty of opportunity for good acting. "A Jack and His Queen" Comedietta in one act for two Males and one Female. Jack Windsor, a young bachelor, returned from an eight years' tour of the world, he decides to settle down by marrying his fiancee, Flora Mason. Flora pays a surreptitious visit to Jack's apartments. "Tot- tie Twinkletoes," a dancer, is to call. Jack discovers Flora in his rooms and mistakes her for Tottie. Flora keeps up the deception and some very smart dialogue ensues. "An Invitation to the Ball" A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. Plenty of work and good comedy for Mose John- son, a colored servant, and Birdie BirdscU, the daugh- ter of his master, who has made up her mind to at- tend a masque ball with Mose in attendance. "Chatter" A Monologue for Males. This is a brisk and breezy up-to-dare monologue for light or low comedians. It is a whirlwind of com- ical lmes which reach the apex of wit. Used with great success by professional entertainers. "Down in Paradise Alley" An East Side Episode for one Male and one Female. •Tells a delightful story of a young college gradu- ate who has fallen in love with Jerry O'Connell^a lit- tle East Side street singer, living in Paradise Alley, New York. A charming little playlet in which com- edy and pathos are beautifully blended. The special- ties introduced throughout the playlet are at the op- tion of the performers. "Family Secrets" A Monologue for Rube Girl. This Rube Girl hands you a laugh every two sec- onds on a subject which appeals to all, viz., her de- scription of her home and "folks" Up-State. 'Izzy's Vacation" A summer episode in two scenes. This is a splendid comedy for Hebrew comedians and lady who can play pert young miss. Izzy Goldberg is on a vacation in the country and running across Grace Howe, a breezy person who, in the spirit of mischief, accuses Izzy of having followed her "Keep Your Eye onHhe Ball" A Comedy Sketch for one Male and one Female. For a clever Irish comedian and leading woman Madame Blavatsky. fortune teller, has money disguises himself as Madame Blavatsky. The complications that follow must be read to be appre- ciated. "Meet My Wife" A Comedy Sketch, for two Males and one Female. George Chamberlain, a hen-pecked husband, may not drink, smoke or have an opinion of his own with- out his wife's permission. With the arrival of a friend, Percy Hamilton, he enters into a plot to cir- cumvent his wife and eventually becomes master in his own house. "The Spirit of Captain Kidd" A Vaudeville Playlet in two scenes. Dealing with the absurd adventures of Timothy McSorley, an Irish laborer, and Hi Grass, a regular rube, who, on learning of treasure buried by the no- torious pirate. Captain Kidd, set out to find it. This excruciatingly funny playlet is in two scenes. It is one long scream from start to finish. "Two Girls and Him" A Comedy classic in one scene for two Females and one Male. There is a vein of exquisite sentiment running through this little playlet. Florence and Birdie Feathertop find themselves stranded. Timothy McDufT hears of their sad plight and spends his earnings to pay their way to the city. "What Every Woman Thinks She KnoW A Suffragette Monologue. This monologue on the suffragette question- is a scream from beginning to ejid. More ludicrous "pat- ter" could not well be imagined. There is a dash of brilliant wit and humor that cannot fail to please. ANY OF THE ABOVE 25 CENTS EACH M. WITMARK & SONS 86 WITMARK BUILDING New York