^ PS 3531 .0953 E6 1916 Copy 1 Embalming Ebenezer BUSHING COMPANY Successful Rural Plays A Strong List From Which to Select Your Next Play FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur j-EWis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New Yorker. Philip's mother wants him to marry a society woman, and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience alternately to tears and to laughter. Price, 25 cents. HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, fi\e female. Plays two hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs has written. Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave Ruth. Harold, who docs not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. Price 25 cents. THE OLD NE^V HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumo.nt. For seven males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play everybody understands and likes. Price, 25 cents. THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting and novel. Price, 15 cents. A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in Five .A.cts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker in his power, hut the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. Price 15 cents. THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY PHILADELPHIA Embalming Ebenezer An Ethiopian Farce in One Scene By HERBERT P. POWELL PHILADELPHIA THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 1916 PS 3531 Copyright 1916 by The Penn Publishing Company Embalming Ebenezer ^^^^ ^^^^^ OEf 2 /9(b Embalming Ebenezer CHARACTERS Ebenezer Rosenstein . bosom companion and sometime frietid of Hardupp Horace Hardupp . . who is planning to '^^ get-rich- quick ' ' Dr. George Washington Stonewall Jackson . . . . .an insurance agent Time of Playing. — Fifteen minutes. STORY OF THE PLAY Horace Hardupp has spent his friend Ebenezer's "las* two quahtahs " for an insurance policy in his own favor. There is one flaw in his scheme, however : — Ebenezer "ain't got no notion of dying, not no notion." But when the agent, already informed by Horace of Ebenezer's death, comes in, he plays the corpse, with some expostulations, however. Jackson questions Horace about the deceased and then proceeds to embalm the "corpse," Horace goes to get some ice, leaving Ebenezer to the tender mercies of Dr. Jackson. A screamingly funny scene ensues, in which Dr. Jackson swells what seems to be Ebenezer's head until it bursts. The poison which the Doctor had poured into the glass having disappeared while his back was turned, he decides that " de sperrits done got him." When he gets a vision of Ebenezer in a sheet he is fully convinced and flees in terror, leaving Ebenezer master of the situation and of the insurance money. 4 COSTUMES, ETC. COSTUMES, ETC. Ebenezer Rosenstein. Twenty-five. Shabby, ill-fit- ting coat and trousers. Horace Hardupp. Twenty-five. Much more sporty and better-fitting clothes, red tie and spotted vest. Dr. Jackson. Grandly arrayed in Prince Albert, gray trousers, tan shoes, white spats and silk hat. PROPERTIES Razor and folded paper, supposed to be insurance policy, for Hardupp. For Jackson, suit-case, can labeled " Poison," legal document, fountain pen, meat-cleaver, knife, potato masher, bicycle pump, toy balloon, tumbler, syringe, cigar, money, a collection of tools. Sheet on couch. SCENE PLOT INTERIOR BACKING SCENE. — Room of Horace and Ebenezer. Door up c. ; table down L. ; chairs on each side of table ; cot or couch down R, ; cuspidor in front of couch ; chair at head of couch. Embalming Ebenezer SCENE. — Roo7n of Horace Hardupp flfw^T Ebenezer Ro- SENSTEIN. {See Scene Plot.^ Ebenezer is sitting deject- edly in the chair by the table, facing the audience. Ebenezer. Wha' am dat niggah, anyways? Heah it am t'ree days since Ah laid mail eyes on him, — an' de same len'th ob time sence Ah see de las' remaindah of mah eahn- in's, what he done tuk along. Oh, de frien' ob mah bosom, de companion ob mah trust, tuhned traitah,done lef me to stahve, while he's spohtin' hisse'f at Atlantic City (^local re- sort) wif mah cash. Jes' wait tel Ah kotch dat niggah ! (^Door opens and Horace strides in triumphantly zvaving ^'policy." Ebenezer makes for him.) Wheah am mah cash, you good-foh-nothin' black stove-pipe? Horace {less exuberant). Now, Ebenezer, jes* lemme explain. Ebenezer. You cain't 'splain stealin' mah las' two quahtahs 1 Horace. Look heah what Ah done buyed ! This'll make me a rich man ; — if you'll jes' lemme talk a minnit Ebenezer. Go on an' talk. I ain't int'ruptin' you. Go on, talk, talk, talk ! Horace. Well, you see, it was dissaway Ebenezer. An', believe me, you got some talkin' to do. Horace. By havin' your life insured, I Ebenezer. Say, is you 'ware dat food has been a total strainger to mah stomach foh two whole days? Horace. I'se 'ware dat if you keep on interpolruptin' me, it'll take two days to 'splain dis pioposition through your billiard ball of a head. Ebenezer. An', furthermore, does you know dat if Ah O EMBALMING EBENEZER ever does have de good fortune to eat one more time on dis earth, Ah'U have to swallow a crow-bar fust? Horace. For what ? Ebenezer. So as to pry my stomach away from mah backbone, dat's why. Horace. Say, is you gonna lemme 'splain dis matter, or is you ain't? Dat's all Ah axe you; is you is, or is you ain't ? Ebenezer. If you can' 'splain mah las' two quahtahs from mah eager fingers to mah entire satisfaction, you is some or-a-tor. Horace. All Ah ask is a chance. Ebenezer. All Ah ask is one lone chance at dat fifty cents. Horace. You see, it was dissaway Ebenezer. One, single, solitary chance is all I request. Horace. I has had your life insured Ebenezer. Another thing ; why did my life have to be insured? Why not your life? Horace. Because I'm in no danger of death. Ebenezer. You're in danger of death every time I think of my las' fifty cents. Horace {ignoring the thrust^. As de matter now stands, when you dies, de insurance company gives you Ebenezer {still suspicious). Don't hesitate, — de insur- ance company gives me what ? Horace. A full military funeral. Ebenezer {sarcastically). A full military funeral is a lot o' comfort to a starvin' corpse, now ain't it? Horace. And de insurance company gives me {He takes insurance policy out of his pocket and reads.') "Ten dollars if you're burned up at home; twenty-five dol- lars if you're burned up in jail ; and fifty dollars if you're burned up in a railroad wreck." Ebenezer. I thought you said dat was a life insurance policy ? Horace. Dat's right. Ebenezer. You fool coon, dat's a fire insurance policy. Horace. Well, is everything clear to you now ? Ebenezer, Yes, I can see through it as easy as a brick wall. Horace. Why, coon, de scheme is perfect, — as perfect as a diamond. EMBALMING EBENEZER 7 Ebenezer. Horace, dat li'l diamond of yours has got a flaw ill it as big as your head. Horace. Point it out to me, Ebenezer. Ebenezer. I ain't got no notion of dying, not no notion. Horace {exasperated^. Look me in the eye, Ebenezer Rosenstein, an' answer me dis. Would you let a little thing like your life mar our friendship ? Ebenezer. 1 would, I would ; you know very well I would. Horace. You looka here, nigga. I has done notified de agent dat you died dis mornin', an' I expecks him any niin- nit to come and view de remains, an* pay me. Ebenezer. Only, when Mr. Agent comes, there will be no remains. Horace {covfidently). When de agent comes, you is gwine ter be layin' on dat 'ere couch dead. (Ebenezer shudders.) Stone dead ! (^More shudders.) Ebenezer. Dawgone if 1 don't believe you loss your mind. Horace. You de one dat loss your mind. Don't you understand dat you jus' makes out you is dead ? Den, after de agent pays me an' goes away, I pays you Ebenezer (Jn/erested for the first time'). Don't stop ! Horace. I pays you your fifty cents back, an' Ebenezer (disgusted again). You don't tell me ! Horace. Now, what's wrong wid you? Ebenezer. You got more gall. You takes my fifty cents. Leaves me hungry ; takes chances wid my well being, an' all I gets out of it is a little excitement, an' my same ole fifty cents back again. Horace. Well, if you ain't de mos' disagreeable nigga. A minute ago you was yellin' de top of your head off 'cause I tooken your two quahtahs, an' now here you iscomplainin' 'cause I'm gonna give 'em back to you. (^Ktiock is heard at the door.) Dere's de insurance man now, Ebenezer. Lay down an' die quick. Ebenezer. I stan' as much chance of layin' down dere as a snowball in (Knock cuts off the rest of the sentence. ) Horace {pulliug out a micked looking razor). Is it gonna be necessary for me to persuade you to lay down on dat 'ere couch ? 8 EMBALMING EBENEZER Ebenezer (Jying dorvti). I see I gotta die one way or another. {Knock heard again. ) Horace {sitting on Ebenezer's legs). Come in. (^Enter Dr. Jackson, with a suit-case in one hand, and in the other a can labeled " Poison^) Jackson. Ah, brudder, I wishes to offer you my con- dolences in your sad bereavement. Horace. Yassuh. Same to you, suh, an' many of *em. Jackson. Are you sittin' up wid de corpse? Ebenezer {rising to sitting position'^. Naw, he's sittin' up on de corpse. (Horace pushes his face and makes him lie donm again, then gets up hurriedly and stands in front of Ebenezer.) Jackson. What's dat? Horace. I said, don't he look natural? {Stands at the head of the couch.) Jackson. Hum, before I can deliver the money, I has to fill in de death cerstifficate. {He sits at table with back to the couch and pulls out from his pocket large document and fountain pen.) First, what was his name? Horace. Ebenezer Rosenstein. Jackson. Rosenstein is a Jew name. Horace. Ebenezer was a Jew nigger. (Ebenezer sits up indignantly and }^OR\CEproniptly throws him down.) Jackson. Born Horace. Oh, yassuh. Jackson. What ? Horace. I say, yassuh he was born. Jackson. I means, what's his age? Horace. Oh! ( 71' Ebenezer.) How old is you? Ebenezer. Six and seven-eights, my nex' birthday. Horace. Six an' seven-eights. Jackson. Dat's his hat. Horace. Well, dat's what he told me before he died. Jackson. Count his teeth. (Horace sits on Ebenezer's stomach and coutits his teeth.) EMBALMING EBENEZER 9 Horace (iurtiing to Jackson). Twenty-six on his mother's bide. {^He allotvs his finger to stay in Ebenezer's mouth, and Ebenezer bites it hard. Wo\