PRICk, $5 CENTS. The Hoosier School Farcical Sketch ^ DICK & HTZGERALD, Publishers, NEW YORK. .^^^ 1 Class JE5A1A_ CoEyright ^° COPYRIGHT DEPOSm 3 T ^ r V THE HOOSIER SCHOOL at farcical cSftetcft BY WILLIAM AND JOSEPHINE GILES Copyright, 1910, by Dick & Fitzgerald ^ NEW YORK DICK & FITZGERALD 18 ANN STREET / THE HOOSIER SCHOOL ''1.- fV \ CHARACTERS. ^ John Newberry. . . Teacher. Albert Jones Country Boy. Rube Hopkins Country Boy. Eben Smock • • ... Country Boy, Ned Riples Country Boy. Mary Brown Country Girl. LuciNDA FrEEharT Country Girl. Pricii.i,a Perkins Country Girl. Myra WADDI.E Country Girl. Rube's Ma Old Woman. COSTUMES. Teacher. Age about 40. Dress in rural style. Boys. Jean suits, boots, red mittens, scarfs and caps. Made up as uncouth as possible. Stringy hair. Eben stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles before he can say anything, G1RI.S. Short plaid dresses, red hoods, red mittens and shawls. Hair hanging in two braids, and coarse shoes. INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES. Book, Dunce-cap, two dinner pails, imitation snow-ball; pin and piece of paper with " For Sale Cheap" written on it. Bent pin, old umbrella, .• : STAGE DIRECTIONS. As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, R. means the right hand ; i,. the left hand ; c. the centre of the stage ; UP, toward rear ; down, toward the footlights. ©CI.D ]7966 TMP92-009242 THE HOOSIER SCHOOL. SCENE. — A country schoolroom. Time, Winter. Door at the right of c. Hat-rack at the right of door. Map and blackboard on wall at the left of door. Teacher's desk and chair at c. Four chairs at r. and four chairs at h. in rows, sloping inwards from front up stage. Stool at rear of the Boys' chairs. ENTER Teacher at door. Teacher (all over snow, sets dinner on desk, and hangs hat, overcoat, etc., on rack). Gee whillikins, this is a cold morning! {Goes to hi^ desk) ENTER Mary Erown at door. Mary (hangs wraps on rack, sets dinner in corner, and goes to her seat with books under arm). Good morning, Teacher. Teacher. Good morning, Mary. Purty cold this morning. Mary. Yes, sir. Ma said she thought it was the coldest morning we have had this winter. Teacher. Yes, I think it is myself. ENTER Albert Jones at door. Albert (shaking snow off himself, stamping feet, clapping hands together, making all the noise he possibly can, and then goes to his seat at r. with books under his arm; as he passes the Teacher, half aside). Hello, dough face! (Then makes a face at Mary) Teacher. What did you say, Albert? Albert. I say it's purty cold out this morning. Teacher. Well, it sounded like it, the noise you made coming in. Albert (half aside). I'll hit you in the neck, the next time. Teacher. What's that? 4 The Hoosier School. Albert.. I said that a sled would run purty good this morning. Teacher. Well, why don't you speak out so I can under- stand you. {Tahes up hell from desk, goes to door and rings to commence school; then takes his place at his desk) ENTER LuciNDA, Myra, Pricilla, Rube and Eben at door. All shaking snow off and stamping feet. Hang wraps, etc., on rack. Rube slips and falls on floor. All go to their seats. Girls at l. and Boys at r. Children. Good morning, Teacher. Teacher. Good morning, children. Eben (following up behind, stamps feet, pats hands, gig- gles and whistles). Good morning. Teacher. Teacher. Good morning, Eben. (Albert pulls chair just as Rube sits down, and Rube sits on the floor.) ENTER Ned at door. Ned (just as he opens the door, throws a snowhall and hits Teacher, then turns and shakes his fist out the door to make the Teacher think it was someone outside). You'd better cut that out there, fellow, or our Teacher will come out after you. Teacher (jumps and runs to the door and looks out). Who was it, Albert ? Albert. That old Jim Gordon. He Just went a-tearing down over the hill, home. Teacher. Gol darn his hide! But come on to your seat, Albert, don't fight with them bad boys; be a good boy, I'll 'tend to that lad. (Ned goes to his seat, winks at the hoys. Teacher takes his seat at desk. Lucinda and Pricilla get into a fight, slap and pull each other's hair.) Lucinda. I know thet they do. Pricilla. Well, I know they don't. Teacher (looks over his specks at them). Well, girls, I am surprised. Lucinda. Well, I don't care, she said that their cows give more milk than ours, and I know very well that they don't. Pricilla. Well, I know they do. Lucinda. Well, I know they don't, and if you say they do, I'll slap your face for you. The Hoosier School, '- 5 pRiciLLA. You can't do it. You old red-hair. LuciNDA. Old red-face. • Pricilla. Old red-hair, old red-hair. LuciNDA. Old red-face, old red-face. (Both begin to pull each other s hair. Rube jumps up and tries to part them, they hoth pitch on him, slap him and knock him down, kicking and slapping him. Rube crawls to his seat.) Teacher (coming from his desk). Now, girls, I don't want to whip you, but you must stop this fighting or I'll have to. Now I want you both to get at your books at once. (Both Girls turn hack to each other very angry. Teacher goes hack to his desk. Rube wipes nose on coat-sleeve. Teacher. Now, children, you know we have lots to do to-day. You know that to-morrow is Thanksgiving, and you all have to have your pieces; but before we practice on them, we will have our spelling. (Albert knocks Rube's feet out, and Rube slides off his chair onto the floor.) Teacher. Why, Reuben, can't you sit on a chair ? Rube (getting up). Wal, Albert knocked me down. Teacher. Albert, did you knock Reuben down? Albert. No, Teacher. Eben (jumps up, stamps feet on floor, pats hands to- gether, giggles and whistles). Yes, he did. Teacher, for I saw him. Teacher. Albert, come up here to me. (Albert goes to the Teacher's desk. Teacher puts dunce cap on him and stands him on a stool. The Children all laugh.) Teacher. Now, children, take your places for spelling- class. (All get up. Rube falls over Eben's feet, and Eben falls over Rube. All take their places in front of Teacher's desk R. and L. Teacher with hook in hand. Rube pushing Ned hack.) Ned (pushing Rube hack). Teacher, I'm ahead of Rube. Rube (trying to get ahead). No, Teacher, I spelled him down, yesterday. 6 The Hoosier School. Teacher. Yes, Kube, you're ahead. Now get in position, children. {They all line up. Mary, Lucinda, Pricilla, Myra, Rube, Eben and Ned.) Teacher (loohing at hooh). Now, Mary, spell "Drug." Mary. D— E^U— G, Drug. Teacher. Correct. Lucinda, spell "Mucilage." Lucinda. Mu — ci — lage, Mucilage. Teacher. Very well. Spell " Sundries," Pricilla. Pricilla. Sun — dri — es, Sundries. Teacher. Now, Myra, spell "Verdict." {She spells it correctly) Teacher. Very well. Now, Reuben, spell " Mahogany." Rube. M — a — h — ^y — ha — i — n — e — y, Mahayhainey. Teacher. Next. Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). My— hog (Albert throws paper-wad and hits Ned in the eye.) Ned {holding eye). Oh, Oh, Teacher! Albert hit me in the eye. Teacher {tahes Albert hy the collar and stands him at the foot of the class). If you don't behave yourself Pll wallop the tar out of you. {Goes hack to his place). Now, Eben, spell Mahogany. Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). Say, Teacher, what kind of a hog is it? Teacher {getting out of patience). Mahogany, Mahogany. Eben {stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). Oh yes! I know. My — hog — an — any, Myhoganany. Teacher. Next. Albert. Me — hog Say, Teacher, did you say it was a black or a white hog? Teacher {slaps hand on hooTc, and paces stage c). Ma- hogany, Mahogany, Mahogany, Mahogany. (Albert follows him saying "Mahogany," Ned following Albert, saying " Mahogany." Eben stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles, and following with Rube up behind. All saying, " Mahogany." Teacher turns suddenly at c, and all run together. Teacher falls hack, and the hoys all fall hack in each other's lap. Teacher holding stomach, looking over specks at them all piled up.) The Hoosier School. 7 Teacher {getting up and holding stomach). Children, you may all go to your seats, we will not have any more spelling to-day. (Goes to his seat) (The Girls all go to their seats. The Boys trying to get up, all tangled up together.) EuBE (reaching over, talces hold of foot). This is my foot, for I can tell, because pa put new half-soles on my boots. (All breaking loose and getting up, go to their seats.) Teacher (comes down c). Now we will practice our pieces; Mary, you may recite first. Mary (gets up in front with head up, and makes how). Let all the nations of the earth on this Thanl^sgiving day. Unite in one grand swelling hymn, and grateful homage pay For all the mercies of the year, and blessings unsurpassed, Whjch have relieved the meed of war by which we've been harassed. (Bows and takes her seat) Teacher. Now, Eben, you're next. Eben (takes his place, stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and and whistles). I had a little pup his name was Rover. When he died, why — why, he was dead. Teacher. Didn't I tell you to get a Thanksgiving piece, Eben? Eben (stamps feet, pats hands, giggles and whistles). Wal, Teacher, he died on Thanksgiving. Teacher. Take you seat. Eben. Lucinda, let's hear you. (LuciNDA takes her place. Teacher, standing with his hack to the hoys, listens to Lucinda. Rube pins paper on Teacher's coat-tail, which reads " FOR SALE CHEAP.") Harvest is home. The bins are full, y ^ ( The barns are running o'er; ' Both grains and fruits we've garnered in Till we've no space for more. Pricilla. Oh, Teacher! Rube pinned a paper on your coat-tail. Teacher (pulls coat-tail around and takes paper off). Lucinda, you may take your seat. Rube come here to me. 8 the Hoosier School. (LuciNDA takes her seat. Rube goes to Teacher. TEifcHER turns him over and spanhs him. Rube howling all the time.) Teacher. Now you get your hat and go homa (Rube goes and puts on cap, etc., and EXIT at door hawling. Teacher goes to desk. Ned pulls Pricilla's hair.) Pricilla. Oh, Teacher! Ned pulled my hair *cause I told on Rube. Teacher (goes and takes Ned hy the ear). Ned, you stand up by my desk, PU 'tend to you. (Ned goes up to Teacher's desJc, and ivhile the Teacher is not looking, he puts a hent pin on his chair.) Teacher. Now, Albert, let's hear your piece. Albert (takes his place). The wind blew Yankee doodle on an old frying pan, and knocked an old Dutch churn down, and killed an old sow, and three dead pigs. Teacher. Didn't I tell you boys, that I wanted you to get a Thanksgiving piece? Now go to your seats and do what I tell you. Ned, you can go to your seat now, and the next time you do that, I'll wipe the floor with you. Teacher. Myra, let me hear your piece. Myra. Why, why. Teacher, Pa said he knowed it the best, and he would come to-morrow and speak it. (Albert chokes, Ned heats him in the hack.) Teacher. Why, Albert, what's the matter? Albert. I swallowed my tongue, but it come back up. Teacher. Now, children, I want you all to get down to business and study your pieces. Pricilla, you can practice on your song. (Pricilla gets up and sings one verse of "Annie Laurie/* very high squeaky voice. Teacher paces stage c. Eben falls off chair. Teacher goes to desk and sits on pin.) Teacher (jumps, holds seat, hollers). Oh! Oh! Ouch! Ouch! (Paces around desk, holding seat, hollering) ENTER Rube's Ma at door, with old umbrella. Rube's Ma (pacing after the Teacher, trying to hit him with umbrella). What did you whip my little Rube for? If I get a hold of you I'll whip the tar out of you. I The Hoosier School. 9 (Both running around the desk, and just as the Teacher dodges under the desk, she catches him hy the coat-tail, and hits^ him over the seat with old umbrella. Teacher has a hig red patch on each side of seat of pants.) Rube (sticking head in door). Wallop him one for me. Ma. CURTAIN. NEW PLAYS SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM, The. 2S cents, a melo-comedy drama fiv 5 acts: by Horace C Dale. 6 male, 4 female characters. Time of representation, tH hours. This is a play which will be appreciated by all lovers of stirring action of a melo-drama tint. While there is nothing of a blood-curdling or hair-raising nature in it, there are a number of scenes of intense human interest which will thrill an audi- ence, and call forth the best efforts of the actors. It is easily staged. One scene can be made particularly attractive. The characters are all good, the act-endings full of action and interest, and the author claims it will give satisfaction to both audience and actors. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur production free. GIRL FROM PORTO RICO, The. 25 cents. A farce comedy in 3 acts, by Joseph Le Brandt. 5 male, 3 female characters, i interior scene. Time, 9% hours. Mr Mite has married a Porto Rico wife, and has a daughter, Dina, engaged to Robin. She is a fiery termagant; Robin^ a quiet young man. Jack falls in love with Dina\ Robin is tired oi Dinas domineering treatment and is persuaded to marry Vio- let, a quiet, lovable girl. Dinars intimate friend. Jack makes Ditta believe that Robin has been killed in a duel. She instantly marries yac>^, intending to make his life a torture. Her efforts are unavailing, and she finds her master in Jack, who finally wins her love. The action is rapid, and the sequence of stage situations causes roars of laughter. Professional stage rights reserved. Amateur production free. DOCTOR BY COURTESY, A j or , A JoUy Mix Up. 25 cents. A farce in 3 acts, by Ullik Akerstrom. 6 male and 5 female characters. 2 interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Time, 2 hours. Sly's father-in-law adopts methods to force Sly into practice, with disaster to Sly throughout. Sly's wife is led by Florette to ^.ckXSly's fidelity by calling him in professionally. Sly allows Freddie to personate him, leading to complications in which every one gets mixed up. Flirtations of Sly before marriage also add to his perplexities, all of which are finally unravelled and peace restored. The "situations" which follow each other in rapid succession makt this farce irresistibly comic. Professional stage rights reserved. A mateur produce Hon free. BENJAMIN, BENNY AND BEN. is cents, a farce in i act and I interior scene, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time, i hour. Abadiah, five years ago, invented an air-ship and hired Ben Craft to navigate it. Ben lost control and was carried away. No tidings of him. yi ^a^zaA believes him dead, and feels as if he was Ben's murderer. Abadiah gets his lawyer's clerk to personate Ben to satisfy Ben's wife, who is going to call on him. Fearing the clerk will fail to do his part, he gets a tramp to personate Ben. The two are exactly alike and the mix- ing up of identity keeps the audience roaring. The real Ben turns up at last and mat- ters get straightened out. AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 2S cents, a mral drama in 3 acts with the same interior scene throughout, by Anthony E. Wills. 8 male, 4 female characters. Time, ili hours. A simple but intensely interesting story of village life. The central character is Ruth, daughter of an innkeeper, who has entered into a com- pact with an old friend on his deathbed, to make Ruth the wife of his friend's son. Ruth marries the son of another of her father's friends. Her father disowns her ; es- trangement, unhappiness and trouble follow, but reconciliation in after years. The pathetic passages are well balanced by incidents and situations which elicit roars of merriment. PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE 1 or, A Fight for a Fortune. 25 cents. A comedy in 3 acts, by Frank H. Bernard. 6 male, 9 female charac- ters._ I interior and i exterior scene. Time, about 2 hours. Phyllis, Philip's wife, receives notice of a fortune left her by a deceased uncle in the East Indies, on condi- tion that she marries his adopted son who is about to visit her. Being already mar- ried, and scheming to get the fortune, she conceals the matter from her husband. Two men call on her with letters of introduction which she does not read, supposing each in turn to be the adopted son. The way she accounts for their presence leads to perplexing mistakes. Finally, it transpires that her husband is the adopted soa, and all ends well. New Plays BACK FROM THE PHILIPPINES ; or. Major Kelly's Cork Legr, 15 cents. An Irish Farce in i act, and i interior scene, by O. E. Young. 5 male, 3 female characters. Time, 45 minutes. Major Kelly has returned from the Philip- pines with a cork leg. He has bought a new cork leg, with all the improvements, and to get rid of the old one, throws it into an empty stove Kelly is betrothed to Maggie, daughter of Alderman McCarty. An old maid, Selina Pry, reporter of the " Daily Gridiron," mistakes Carl, a fat German, for Kelly, with a funny love scene. Kelly's cork leg performs all sorts of pranks, which make trouble all around. Carl challenges Kelly to a duel. Snow White, a darkey, handsone pistol to Kelly, accidentally fires off the other, and falls apparently dead. Kelly is accused of murder. The leg, supposed to be the nigger's, is discovered in the stove, " it's white." Reappearance of Snow. Everything cleared up. Double Wedding. HER LADYSHIP^S NIECE. 15 cents, a comedy in 4. acts, by Evelyn Simms. 4 male, 4 female characters. One interior and one exterior scene. Time, about j% hours. Lady Melbourne has discovered the existence of a hitherto unknown niece, Nora, and writes to her to come, Nora being fully aware of her rela- tionship. She also writes to engage Norah Jones, who knows nothing, as parlormaid. She misdirects the letters. Meanwhile Sir Thomas Melbourne agrees to pay the debt.s of Sir Charles Beresford on condition that he marries the niece, which Nora finds out, and takes the parlor maid's place. Norah believes she is the niece, but Sir Charles recoils from the idea of marrying her. He falls in love with Nora, who at last pro- claims her identity. A charming comedy in the style of " She Stoops to Conquer/ by Oliver Goldsmith. "WANTED^ A MAHATMA. is cents, a comic sketch in i act. for 4 male characters, by Gordon V. May. i interior scene. Professor Astralile, a fortune-teller, is in bad luck. Squire Babcock offers hira a hundred dollars for 9 Mahatma. His friend, Frisby, an adventurer, disguises himself as a Mahatma. Squire puts his wallet on table. The temptation is too much for Frisby, who grabs the wallet. A struggle — the disguise falls off. Exposure and escape. "WHITE SHAWL, A. is cents, a Farce-Comedy in 2 acts and i in. terior scene, by C. Leona Dalrymple. 3 male, 3 female characters. ^ Costumes, modern. Time, ij^ hours. A cleverly arranged " Comedy of Errors," in which an elderly doctor's attempts at wooing a young girl already engaged — an old maid's efforts to secure a mate — and the strategy of two young men to defeat the doctor's aims, whereby they get themselves into an awkward scrape— all result in getting things tangled up in the most ludicrous manner. Woman's wit and a white sh?wl set matters right at last. COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT,! A. 2S cents, a Farce Comedy in 3 acts, by Anthony E. Wills, q male, 4 female characters. Time, 2% hours. Johann Kramer, of the " Lion Inn,'' Catskill Mountains, advertises the Count No- goodio of Paris as sojourner at hotel. Two New Yorkers, partners in business, on the verge of ruin, and each having an attractive daughter, try to catch the Count for a son-in-law. The Count has not arrived, Kramer hires Weary, a tramp, to personate him. Weary makes trouble all the time. The Count arrives. Weary has him arrested as his insane valet. Count escapes ; is taken for a ghost. At last matters are set right in an astonishing climax. A bright French waitress, a middle-aged widow and her brother, a peevish hypochondriac, add greatly to the absurd situations and surprises. WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 2S cents, a rural Society Comedy in 3 acts, by Eleanor Maud Crane. 4 male and 4 female characters. Modern costumes. • interior scenes and i exterior scene. Time, 2 hours. Mrs. Briscoe, a rich New Yorker, with her two sons and daughter, visit Jim Horton's farm. His niece, Eleanor, is an heiress. Paul Briscoe, ruinously in debt, resolves to win Eleanor and her money ; he mistakes the Irish maid, Norah, for her mistress, but soon learns his error. Eleanor visits the Briscoes at Newport. Paul by strategy wins her consent. Mrs. Briscoe hears of Jim's sudden wealth and forces herself on him. Later, Jim's wealth proves to be not his, but Peter Adams's, his country neighbor. Things get badly mixed up, but by the artless blunders of Norah are finally and satisfactorily settled. The action compels absorbing interest throughout the comedy, and the qliniax i$ strongly dramatic. " When a Man's Single, oh, then 1 " NEW PLAYS VANOLBS* 18 cents. A farce in i act, by C. Leona Dalrymple. A malftf • fMnale characters, i interior scene. £i7l Tracy accepts Mrs.Janeway's inyitatlOB to dinner, intended for his cousin Phil. Tracy., who \% Jack Janeway^s •hum. Bltiti her raaid, advertised for a husband under the soubriquet of " Bright Sjres." Jtnkin*^ BilVs valet, answers it as X. Y. Z. The mistakes in identity get them into a tangle of surprises, finally unraveled by Jack, who arrives opportunely. The " situations ar« tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter. ILLUSTRATED PANTOMIMES MY COUNTRY, *TIS OF THEE, so cents, a pantomime for X female, by Anna D. Coopbr, illustrating by a succession of emotional and patriotic poses, the progress of the American Anthem, while it is read, or sung with musical accompaniment. It consists of over 25 graceful and effective changes of gesture, 10 of which are photographed from life, the poser being draped in the American flag. It occupies about 8 minutes and is specially adapted for schools, churches and patriotic societies. HARK, HARK, MY SOUL, so cents. a beautiful rendering of the hymn in pantomime for i female, by Anna D. Cooper. The sentiments of the hymn are illustrated by a lady in a continuous change of gestures, 10 of which are portrayed by photographs taken from life, while the verses are sung by a solo singer and chorus concealed from the audience. It requires about 6 or 7 minutes for per- formance and is strikingly effective. GYPSY'S WARNING, The. so cents, a pantomime for i male and 2 female performers, arranged and posed by Anna D. Cooper. The actions of the posers are illustrative of the text of the song as sung with piano accompaniment behind the scene. An old Gypsy discovers a Cavalier ardently wooing a maiden. The Gypsy recognizes him as the one who has wooed and deserted her own daughter, and warns the maiden of his perfidy. The climax, when the maiden at last convinced recoils in horror from the Cavalier, is powerfully dramatic. It is illustrated with 6 tableaux photographed from life, and occupies 8 to 10 minutes. MISS HULDAH'S OFFER, so cents, a pantomime for i female, arranged by Anna D. Cooper. Fully described and illustrated by 6 photographs from life. Mist Huldah, a sentimental maiden of 40, receives an offer of marriage in a letter which is read behind the scenes. (The text may also be recited as a monologue in action.) The manner in which the offer affects her is faithfully and humorously portrayed by her actions and demeanor. The struggle between jubilant satisfaction and maidenly modesty at the offer, almost past her hoping for, is very funny. The action covers about 8 minutes. SHAKESPEARE'S PLAYS The following plays by William Shakespeare, adapted mainly from the Carrick editions, have been thoroughly revised and arranged to comply with modern stage usages and professional requirements, with elaborate directions for costuming the characters in accordance with leading modern Shakespearean authorities. The plays are printed in new and legible type, and are especially adapted as text-books for sehool ana college use and for public and private reading. HAMLET. IS cents. A tragedy in 5 acts. 15 male and 3 female •haraetcrs. AS YOU LIKE IT. is cents, a comedy in 5 acts. 17 male and S female characters. ROMEO AND JULIET, is cents, a tragedy in s acts. 16 male and 4 female characters. MERCHANT OF VENICE, The is cents, a comedy in 5 acts. 14 male and 3 female characters. JULIUS CAESAR, is cents, a tragedy in 5 acts. 16 male and f f emSile eh«-^^ LIBRARY OF CONGRESS HHI. 016 103 298 W *r r- - /^ ■ '•^.,*: ^. • . ^-^- . v^V^ h ^ ■"hAv