|ps 635 TO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 1*9 M36 Copy [15 CENTS. 1 THE ACTING DRAMA. t No. 134. THE MARRIED WIDOWS. • NEW YORK: HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, No. 5 BEEKMAN STREET. 18 g-sr CD 5» p, p p. 3 2 P- Arnold's Dutch Recitations and Readings. Price, 15 Cents. The Amateur's Guide to Home Theatricals. Trice, 25 Cents. Arnold's Dialogues, Plays and Speeches. Price, 30 Cents. How we Managed our Private Theatricals; or, A Guide to the Amateur Stage. Price, 25 Cents. Parlor Tableaux; or, Animated Pictures. Price, 25 Cents. Shadow Pantomimes; or, Harlequin in The Shade. Price, 25 Cents. RECITERS, GUIDE BOOKS, ETC. Actor's Art, The, Price 15 cts. Amateur's Guide, The, Price 25 cts. Arnold's Dialogues, Plays and Speeches, Price • 30 cts. Arnold's Dutch Recitations and Readings, Price 15 cts. Art of Public Speaking, The, Price 25 cts. Darkey Plays, six parts, Price, per part 30 cts. Drawing Room Magic, Price 30 cts. Elocution Without a Master, Price 15 cts. Evening Entertainments, Price 15 cts. 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A COMEDIETTA, Jiu <£>nz act CORRECTLY PRINTED PROM THE PROMPTER'S COPT, WITH THE CA8T OF CHARACTERS, COSTUMl<:S,\SCENE AND PEOPEUTY PLOTS, TIVE POSITIONS OF THE DRAMATIS PKUSONJB, HIDES OF ENTRANCE AND EXIT, DISPOSITIONS Of CHARACTERS, ETC., ETC. llhi't NEW YORK: Copyright secured 1879, by HAPPY HOURS COMPANY, No. 5 BEEKMAN 6 1' R & E T . THE MAEEIED WIDOWS. CHAEACTEES. Clarence, Lieutenant on Leave, TIME— THE PRESENT. COSTUMES.-MORNING THE MARRIED WIDOWS. Scene.— Bra w ing-Room in a Villa at Deadwood, inhabited by the two 44 Married Widoics." Window at back or side. Ordinary furniture, including two tables, E., and l,, on each of which i« a framed photo of a man, (the husbands of the widows, who are in Africa). Claea. is discovered standing e. Louise seated l., with a copy of 44 Matrimonial News " in her hand. Clara. Well, Louise, dear, do you feel at nil sorry for what you've done, at all nervous about the possible consequence ? bruise. Not in the smallest degree ! Besides, my dear child, if we do get into any scrape, our names will not transpire ; therefore, what does it matter? Clara. That's very true. Louise. (Continuing.) And should the enraptured adventurers pursue us too closely, and become more enterprising than we care about, they will one morning discover that the two will-o'-the- wisps, who, for a brief period flitted over the stagnant pools of Dead- wood, have vanished into a less oppressive atmosphere, leaving their infatuated followers to flounder out of the morass their vanity had led them into. Clara, (Puts down newspaper.) I shall be glad when we have £ THE MARBIED WIDOWS. really vanished from this awfully dull place. Were it not forth! little excitement we have prepared for ourselves, I really believe tha the Coroner would shortly include, in his miscellaneous list, two deaths from "stagnation." mn . Louise. I wonder what Tom and Harry would say it they knew what they had driven their poor wives to, by leaving them in tins dull, damp swamp. . . Clara. ( Taking up photo of her husband from table, and talking to it.) Yes, I wonder what you would say, Master Tom, Were you to hear that, in the course of the next few days, some one will probably propose to your widow! (Looking ut photo.) Oh, you way well look astonished! The news is, doubtless, startling, but it will be entirely your own fault, if some one, much better looking tnon your- self, (aside, kissing photo) if such a thing were possible, (aloud) answered the advertisement of a widow who wishes to re-marry, which I have inserted in the last number of the "Matrimonial Louise. (Same business with her husband's photo.) And as for you, Harry, no one will will be to blame but yourself if some good- looking man volunteers.to fill the fearful void you have, by your pre- mature decease, left in the heart of your relict. (Looking at photo- same business exactly as Clara's.) Oh, it's no use knitting your brows in that way ; von should have thought of it before, and not have left me to vegetate among the water-cresses of Deadwood, while you devote your life to shooting Indians. Clara. (Patting down photo. ) Were Tom to come across t he May number of the ", Matrimonial News," I hardly think he would r.a-og- nise the wife of his bosom ( taking up newspaper ) in this advertise- ment. (Heads aloud.) "Two hundred and fifty-two. Genuine. Tired of a lonely life,' (speaking) how true, (reading) a widow, with large blue eyes, and a profusion of light hair Louise. (Aside.) How false! Clara. (Reading. ) " Wishes to correspond with a gentleman of strictly moral character " Louise. (Aside.) They're always the worst. Clara. (Beading. ) " Of strictly moral character, with a view to matrimony. Genuine is cheerful," (speaking) away from Dead- wood, (reading) "musical, and independent, having a fine soprano voice, and a handsome annuity. Communications to be addressed to C, P.O., Deadwood, Hampshire." Louise. ( Taking up newspaper. ) And I would stake »my existence, that, if Harry were to guess a hundred times, he would never devine that number three hundred and six is his own -lionise, (heads aloud. ) "Three hundred and six. A widow, who is pining for love, and sympathy, and anxious to make whole the fearful cavity in her heart." (Speaking.) I cribbed that from an old number, (head- ing. ) "The fearful cavity in her heart would be willing to exchange cartes de visito"— (Speaking)— of course I shall send my maids— THE MARRIED -WIDOWS. (reading)— "with, a good-looldug gentleman,' —(Speaking) -they ate all gentlemen in the "News"— (Rending)— "about thirty, with a view to make him happy. N.B.— No Clergy need apply. Letters to be addressed to L , Post Office, Desidwood, Hampshire." Clara. I do wonder what sort of applications we shall get. Louise. We shall know before long. I have sent Mary Jane to the office, where she's to wait till the post comes in. Clara. (Impatiently.) I wish she'd make haste. Louise. Putting aside for a moment, Clara, what we are both do- ing—forgetting that we are on the verge of theoretic bigamy— I won- der which of us two had the least to unswer for iu our ante-nuptial state. . '■ Clara. (Indignantly. ) How can you ask such a question ? 1 had, of course. Why, you were iu love half-a-dozen times before you met Harry. . Louise. Half-a-dozen times? No such luck! I never had but one flirtation— and that, goodness kuows, was innocent enough. Clara. Who was it with? Louise. A youth who was reading for his commission, rather a good-looking boy, about sixteen I myself, was filteeu the day he asked me to elope with him. We exchanged love pledges. Mu,e was a lock ot mv governess* hair I cutoff when she was asleep— he thongut it was mine' lis was a profile of himself, cut out in black paper, and shaded with gold. I have it to this day, in the secret drawer of this vriting-lesk. (Points In toriling-desk. Louise. < Astonished. ) In black paper, did you say ? Clara. Yes. Louise. And, (drawing profile in air with her hand) looking that wav ? ,.'''• Louise. Yes ; looking that way, with gold shading, (making sign from her own profile) and one eyelash. Clara. Had it a moustache ? Lnnise. The Upper lip was embellished with a few golden bristles, which I do not remember remarking in the original. The boy hud had them inserted for a small additional charge, because they looked fifUitlV. ... . Clara. How strange it is that, in the only episode of that kind in mv otherwise unromantic life, I, too, should have been presented with a black profile, with (same business as Louise— describing eye- lash) a developed eyelash. Photography was not quite so commou in those days. Louise. Art was in its infancy. Clara. So was nature. Clarence had just turned fifteen when he proposed that, having no money to marry on, we should drown our- selves, hand iu hand, off the pier. Louise. Clarence did you say ? Clara. Yes, Clarence was the name of my profile. Louise. ( Aside. ) How singular ! 6 THE MAHBIED WIDOWS. Clara. We met at the dancing academy. Clarence was going into the army. Louise. (Aside.) Into the army ! So was my Clarence. Clara. (Conceitedly.) Well lie fell iu love with me, of course, the moment he saw me. Louise. ( Aside— turning up her eyes.) That's Clara all over. Clara. And he used to walk np and down, for hours, iu front of my window, (imitating Clabence's attitude) and place himself iu de- spouding attitudes under the gas-lamp. Louise. (Aside.) That's Clarence all over! Clara. At last he came to lodge in the same house, on the floor above us, and, as his window was just over mine, we used to corre- spond through the primitive medium of a stone and a piece of string, (Makes explanatory gesture of stone being let down. Louise. That was pretty well for a quiet innocent girl ! But do tell me how it all went ou. Clara. How it all went on? Oh, in the usual way! Each day from his window he made bewitching signs, then he sent me verses which all spoke of love ; what love meant I did not know, which he thought a trifle slow. I thought every word was true. To he sure he did not spell as well as he might, but on o>ie theme he was always eloquent. That was love, and I know, now, why he thought me rather slow. But our bliss was short. One fine morning we were discovered, our fuu was nipped iu the bud, and I was shipped home in very low spirits. Louise. And did you never see him again ? ■ Clara. Never, but once. (In a solemn way.) That was iu the cemetery. Louise. (Thinking the man dead.) In the cemetery ! (Sadly.) And only sixteen ! Was it being "nipped iu the bud" that killed him? Clara. (Naturally. ) Oh, dear, no ! Nothing killed him ; but we thought it a fitting spot to say farewell. It was there that he gave me (pobding to her toatch-chain ) this piece of money, with a hole iu it, 'emblematic,' he sobbed, in military language, 'of his riddled heart.' It was iu that appropriate atmosphere that we buried our blighted hopes, and swore eternal fidelity, registering our vows ou the gravel in a monogram, consisting of our initials crossed. Louise. ( Q'dckly. ) Iu love ! What a romantic story ! Clara. (Wlio has moved to icindow— looking out.) Here comes Mary Jane up the street with some letters iu her hand. She thinks we're advertising for a new servant. Why, I declare, some one's stopping to talk to her. What can he be baying to her ? He's point- ing to the letters. Louise. I'll go and meet her ; I can't wait. (Is leaving. Clara. (Stopping her.) No, you sent her. It will look more natural if / meet her, by chance. I'm dying to see what they say. THE MARRIED WIDOWS. 7 Louise. Fancy my knowing Clara all these years, \nd aever hear- ing that story before! How sly of Vrer ! And how very .trange that he should l>e called Clarence! And that he, too, should be destined for the army. For one moment I fancied he might be the same boy who asked me to elope with him from Miss Prude's, but that would be too ridiculous. 1 don't even remember what my boy was like. I might refresh my memory as to his profile in black and gold by going to my desk, but were I to meet him in full face, in his natural color, I l'eel convinced I should not recognize him. Re-enter Claka, with two letters. Clara. (Delighted.) One for each of us, Lou'! and the writer of one of them will be here in a few minutes. Mary Jane, thinking he was the new footman Louise. Complimentary ! Clara. Told him where we lived. He was evidently watching to see who called for his letters. But he'll be here in a few minutes, so we had better settle on our plan of action. I don't think, dear, that we had better both see him at the same time ; it might frighten him. Louise. Oh, if )"ou think he's likely to be nervous, you shall have him all to yourself, first, on condition that I have an interview with him afterwards ; but we'd better run through the answers, so as to get a sort of line for our conversation. 1 wonder which he's the author of. I'll read mike first. (Reads out loud— letting envelope fall on ground. ) "Six hundred and two. An officer, fair to look upon," (speaking) did you ever hear suck conceit? (redds again) "aged thirty, but looks younger, whose income is, alas, unequal to his wants, wishes to part with himself to a lady of independent means. His disposition is so sweet that no woman could fail to love him. Six hundred and two is thoroughly domesticated ; but, as he, at present, has no fixed home, a romantic existence may be looked for- ward to with confidence. Full length carte, in uniform, with Editor. Six hundred and two thinks that three hundred and six might suit. Perhaps she'll write to C, care of Editor." (Speaking.) Don't he wish he may get it ? Clara. That man is simply impossible. His price is similar to that put by the owners of pugs on their favorites, when they send them to the Dog Show. It means that he's not to be sold. Louise. Not to be sold, (snapping her fingers) we'll see about that. Now for yours. Clara. (Reads.) "One thousand, three hundred and four. An officer in the army, on leave of absence, wishes to take out a wife when he returns. One thousand, three hundred and four is by no means ugly, is slightly sentimental," (speaking) I like that, (read- ing) "and very musical " Louise. Plays on several instruments, including his own trum- pet. THE MARRIED WIDOWS. Clara. (Continuing.) "Having composed a waltz equal to any of Strauss." Louise. (Laughing.) I thought ro. Clara. ( Continuing. ) "One thousand, three hundred and four is only A captain at present." Louise. We didn't advertise for a major-general. Clara. (Continuing.) "But as his regiment is' quartered at the most insaluhrious station in the West, he will, in all probability, command it before long, and can, therefore, guarantee his wiie a good position in that country, where ladies are made so much of, Ad- dress C, care of Editor." (Speaking.) That reads rather better. Don't 3'ou think so, dear? Louise. You like him because he's sentimental. I think that's dreadful twaddle! ( Knock at door is heard. ) But here he conies, bo I'll be off. (Eat. Enter Clarence, on tiptoe, unseen by Clara, who, having hidden the "Matrimonial News" sits in arm-chair, xcilh her buck turned to the door. Clarence. I've crossed the ball in safety. Luckily there is no trace of full-grown brothers. Nofsmell of cigar smoke there, no hats, and no sticks. Nothing to interfere with me. Now, which shall it be— three hundred mul six or two hundred and fitty-two ? Which of the charmers has the tin? Clara. ( With back turned. ) Who's there ? I thought I heard a voice I Come in ! Clarence. (Advancing to Clara.) 'Tis a poor supplicant at the widow's shrine. Clara. (Aside.) I divine that this one is hard up. Clarence. Who, weary of a dull and selfish existence would fain take to himself a loving wife. Clara. 1 think, sir, that your proposal is rather premature. Be- fore people marry they should be quite sure they love. Clarence You're right, quite ri^ht, to take this view ! (Sentimen- tally. ) But, oh, listen to me ! Can you not believe that there is such a thing as love at first sight? I love you, adore yon ! I im- plore you to take what I offer, my hand and my heart. The moment my eyes ft 11 upon your lovely face, I felt that we could part never again ! Clara. (AgiUded. ) Sir, what will you think of me, but it is true. The instant 1 saw you, 1 trembled ! 1 feed that 1 might return your love. But do \ou think so sudden a passion could be a lasting one? Clarence. Should I live for ever, no woman shall rob you of the Heart you have won. lara. Novt;r"is a long time, and women are clever. I fear tba some day you will take up with some flirt, ami l-heu what would become of me? THE MAKMED WIDOWS. 9 Clarence. I swear that I adore you, and you alone. (Aside.) I'd give worlds to know her number. From her voice, she ought to be the independent soprano. Clara. (Aside.) His face, that is, his side face, is Clarence's, ten years older. Can it possibly be he? Clarence. ( Aside— trying to recoiled.) She reminds me forcibly of some girl I was once in love with, but which, I can't for the lite of me remember! (Aloud.) There will, I presume, be some slight details to be gone through, some trifling matters of form, before 1 can call yon mine legally. Clara. Just a few. Before taking the serious step we contem- plate, I should like to be satisfied on one or two points. Clarence. (Bowing.) I am quite at your service. (Aside.) Whether as one thousand, three hundred and four, or six hundred and two. Clara. I should first like to learn, from your own lips, that, up to the present time, you have never loved. That is a sine qua non to our union ; and that what you have just expressed to me with so much fervor and, I may add, fluency, has not been previously re- hearsed to others. Clarence. 1 see nothing unnatural, (aside) I wish 1 knew which she was, (aloud) in your being suspicious of the whole of that sex to which it is my misfortune to belong. As a rule, tney are, no doubt, unprofitable investments ; but to every rule there are, as you know, (tenderly) some exceptions, /am one of those very rare ones. Clara. Am I really to understand— don't trifle with a sensitive nature Clarence. (Aside.) Or a handsome annuity. Clara. (Continuing. ) That I have caused your heart to beat for the first time in a life that must have turned it's thirtieth year. Clarence. (Aside.) ' But looks younger." (Aloud.) You have taken the very words out of my month. Ah, you indeed read too plainly the feeling which prompts such thoughts. Clara. (Aside) I think I do. (Aloud.) And you have never fancied you were in love, not even when a boy, never had the most innocent flirtation ? Clarince. I can echo the word ' never ' without the slightest hesi- tation. Clara. (Aside.) So I perceive. (Aloud.) And have never been loved ? Clarence. Not that I am aware of. . Clara. I cannot bear to think that when we are married, and happy, some poor girl may perhaps be breaking her heart, in secret, on your account. Clarence. You need have no anxiety on that score, I assure you. Clara. You relieve me greatly. ( Takes up 'husband's portrait, which she looks at. Clarence. And now, without being so exacting as you have been, 20 THE MARRIED WIDOWS. may I ask yon, too, one question— not that your answer, whatever it may be, need interfere with our projects. • Clara. You have the right to ask anything. Clarence. Putting on one side, of course, the defunct, — (Clara, wliile Clarence is searching on ground for words, kisses portrait) — have you never loved ? Clara. Putting on one side, (pxds down portrait) of course, as yon say— the — the defunct, my heart has nothing to answer for, but Clarence. "But " (Aside.) Here it comes. Clara. (Continuing.) SVhen 1 was fifteen, an innocent flirtation with a beardless boy, who was destined for the army. I fancied, at that time, that I was desperately in love, but it was only a girl's fancy, and it left no trace behind after the cause was once re- moved. Clarence. And is the cause, as you call it, still alive ? Is there no danger, were you to meet again, of that fancy returning? Clara. None, whatever. But I don't think Clarence, that was his name, can be alive. He had, at sixteen, such a morbid taste for sui- cide, that, if he is not the most inconsistent man in the w r orld, he must, long ere this, have fallen a victim to his own hand. (Clara takes up her husband's portrait again, and plays xcilh it. Clarence. A taste for suicide ! What an idiot ! Might I enquire one thing more? Clara. You may. Clarence. Whose portrait is (pointing to portrait in her hand) that, to which you seem so attached ? Clara. (Naturally.) Whose portrait? Oh, I don't know, I'm sure. The landlady's young man, I suppose. This is a furnished house, and this is one of the ornaments. I've a trick of playing with anything that falls in my way. Clarence. (Aside.) That's a pleasant announcement. (Aloud.) Would you (holds out his hand towards portrait) allow me to judge of the landlady's taste? (Takes portrait, and, on recognising it, bursts out laughing.) By Jove, it is he! and no mistake ! The world is small indeed ! Clara. (Aside.) Smaller than he thinks ! (Aloud.) And who is he, may I ask ? Clarence. The colonel of my regiment, by all that's martial. A very dashing fellow, but the most widely disseminated flirt I ever came across. Clara. (Aside.) Tom a flirt! I won't believe it. (Aloud.) So it appears. Clarence. Fancy finding his portrait here, ha, ha, ha! He's mar- ried, too, which makes it worse ! Clara. A thousand times ! Is the lady pretty ? Clarence. I never saw her. But I'll bet the landlady is, or she. Wouldn't be the possessor of that portrait THE MARRIED WIDOWS. ^~ IX Clara. She is rather nice-looking. Talking of portraits, if you Would make me quite happy, tell me that no one in the world possesses your likeness. 1 could not bear to think of your effigy, in lull lace, or even, in profile, hanging round another woman's neck. Clarence. But one person in the whole world has that chance ; and, as the portrait in question is twelve inches by eight, I don't think he's likely to avail himself of it. Clara. You said "he," did you not? Clarence. I did. Clara. That relieves me. (Aside.) "Full length carte, in uni- form, with Editor." Why, this is Lou's correspondent. I mustn't stand in her way any longer. (Aloud, to Clarence.) Will you ex- cuse me for a few minutes? (Clarence bows.) I've some orders to give. I shan't be long. (Aside, near door.) It's Clarence, lean almost swear. (Exit. Clarence. She's mine, without a doubt — that is, if she's got the annuity! If not, I must try the other string to my bow, and * * fill the fearful cavity in the heart of three hundred and six." (Picks up envelope he has addressed to Louise, and which she has dropped. ) And I shan't have far to go, it appears, for here is the cover of my adver- tisement, addressed to that fortunate ii umber. Why, they mnstlive Under the same roof. Perhaps. .v//e'.v the colonel's landlady. Oli, for a key to this mystery. Oh. that some happy thought would suggest which is the rich one. My course don't seem quite clear. However, I'll plight my troth to both. As it now stands the law won't allow me to marry but one of them, though— but never niindl Enler Louise. Louise. ( Speaking low and mysteriously at first. ) Hush! Are3 r ou alone? Clarence. (Aside.) The landlady, I suppose. (Aloud.) Quite alone. Louise. I cannot be mistaken, From your appearance you are, are you not, number Clarence. ( Interrupting her. ) lam! (Aside.) The other widow, by jove ! (Aloud.) And you are, my heart whispers to mc Louise. (Quickly.) You are right. ( Looking all round 'I.xs room — low.) But we must be cautious. I have a friend in this house, who must not be aware of this meeting. Clarence. (Mysteriously.) I see! (Aside.) She's jealous of my intended. (Aloud.) Your friend is Louise. A widow, like myself, Diit a designing one. Clarence. With a fine soprano voice, and a handsome annuity. Louise. She lias some good notes Clarence. (Aside.) Just what I want. Louise. (Cn dinning. ) In her voice, but I never heard of her having any at her banker's. 12 > THE MAl'.ItlED WIDOWS. Clarence. (Aside.) Then this must be the one." 1 , Louise. And now, tell me, how did you find out where I lived? Clarence. Did you ever play at magic music ? Louise. Often. Clarence. You remember that as you draw nearer (draws nearer) to the object you are beeking, the music becomes louder and louder. (Louisis draws back a little. Louise. (Puzzled.) Yes, but I don't quite see. Clarence. Did you love, as i" love, yon would know what I mean. You were the object 1 was seeking, and as I approached the enchant- ed villa you inhabit, the music of my heart beat louder, and louder. Ah, it was magic music, indeed, till, at last, it guided me, thank Heaven, to your presence. Louise. I think it was very clever of you. Clarence. (Aside.) I think it was. Louise. It must have been the result of considerable experience. Clarence. No ! The effect of involuntary instinct. I did but follow Louise. (Aside.) Mary Jane, who took him for the footman. Clarence. I did but follow the course ot true love. Louise. Which will, for once, run smooth, if you can give me sat- isfactory answers to one or two questions. Clarence. Ask me anything. Loxdse. (Pointing to chair. ) Pray, sit down. ( They both sit down — Lotjisk near table.) Tell me how old you were when you fell in love for the first time. Clarence. But a few minutes younger than I am now. Louise, (hi disappointed tone. ) You don't mean to tell me 3'OU have never been in love before ! Why, if I mistake not, you must bo thirty, or twenty-nine, at the very least. Clarence. (Aside.) "But looks younger." (Aloud.) You ap« pear disappointed. Louise. Iain. (Aside. ) I expected some confessions. Clarence. Then I will no longer deceive you. The first time I really loved, passionate!;/, as I then thought, I was but sixteen Louise. Ah, this is much better. Clarence. The object of that love was still under the tutelage of the mistress of a finishing school. Ijouise. As I was. Clarence. (Continuing.) A steep wall, with broken glass on the top, barred me from the presence of my — Louise, I think her name Was— but that is a detiiil of no consequence. Louise. Pray go on. This is deeply interesting ! (Aside.) It must be Clarence. Clarence. Though intimately acquainted, at a distance, we never met but once. Louise — I am sure that wus her name — had leave to spend the day with her aunt. Louise. Was it a happy day? THE MARRIED "WIDOWS. 13 Clarence. No ; she did not come up to my expectations. Sho went so tar as to give me a lock of her hair. Louise. (Aside.) My governess'. (Takes up the portrait of Iter husband, and plays with it. Clarence. But refused to elope with me, because I hadn't money enough. Louise. (Indignantly. ) Mercenary creature ! She was not worthy of von. Clarence. From what I remember of her, I don't think she was. Louise. Fortunately, you had almost forgotten her. Clarence. Entirely, 'till you reminded me of her. Louise. You, too,' remind me of some one. Would you oblige me by tun dug your head ? Clarence. Yon have already turned it. Louise. (Miking sign. ) This way, you remind mo of some one I once met, but where, or when, I can't remember. (Clarence turns f nil face to her.) No ; it's not your full face, it's your profile. Clarence. ( Turning his head. ) So ? Louise. Yes, so. (Aside.) The outline is Clarence's, minus the (making sign) eyelash, (takes up portrait of her husband) and plus tho bristles. Clarence. (Pointing to portrait. ) Is that the person I remind you of? Lmiise. (Nahtrtdly.) This person? Claroice. Yes ! You seem curiously attracted towards that por- trait. Louise. (Naturally. ) Only because it's such a good photograh. What progress the art of portrait-taking has made iu Jie last ten years. (Handing portrait to Clarence.) It's some relation of the landlady, I suppose. Clarence. ( Taking portrait, and recognizing it as that of the major of his regiment, bursts out laughing. ) Ha, ha, ha ! Well this beats anything 1 ever came across iu all my life. Louise. Pray don't keep so good a joke to yourself. Clarence. Why this is the major of my regiment, who's clearly been making love to the same woman as my colonel. (Pointing to portrait on the other table. ) Why, there's his portrait. It's one of the best things 1 ever heard of. Louise. What, the colonel and major of the regiment you hope soon to command? Clarence. Sooner than they think, poor fellows ! No one can sur- vive the climate. The heat is intolerable. Lonise. Do vou know the major well? Clarence. I 'thought I knew him well ; an illustration of how thor- oughly one can be taken in, iu this world. Louise. It does happen, sometimes. Clarence. (Putting down the portrait.) I really believed that fellow to be excessively attached to his wife, and here I find his lilM- 14 THE MARRIED WIDOWS. nesg publicly exposed in the first house I come into. What would his poor wife say, if she knew it? Louise. It's enough to prevent one's re-marrying. Men are all alike, I suppose. Clarence. Not all. You would have to search fur and wide before you could (Louise lays her hand naturally on her writing-desk, on table) put your hand on my portrait. Louise. (Aside, talcing out black profile from desk.) I should like to make a bet about that ! Clarence. And should yon like to go out West ? Louise. Oh, yes ; as wife of a major. Clarence. The mail, which is due to-day, will probably bring good news. Louise. ( Tenderly. ) I hope it will. ( Postman* s knock is heard at the outside door.) How strange ! there is the post. (Louise runs to door and exit. Clarence. The plot is what they call thickening ! During the last half-hour I have distinctly offered to part with myself to two bereft young women, and, what's more, I have been accepted, I may say, with considerable rapture by both. My only regret is, that one should be born to disappointment ; but which ? that is the question. But here comes the sentimental soprano again. Enter Clara, with open letter in her hand. Clara. I trust you'll excuse so long an absence. The post came in. Clarence. I hope it brought good news. Clara. Yes, for me, but for you 'tis bad, I fear, for it will needs curtail your visit. Clarence. ( With agitation. ) My visit ! You fill me with alarm. To try and win you cannot be wrong ! Clara. If you stay too long, it may be thought so. It costs me much to say good-bye, but I dare not bid you stay. Clarence. Pray, tell me why ! Clara. I am filled with anguish ; my heart will break, but you must leave me. You can come some other day. Go away, now, if you love me ! Clarence. But what's the reason ? Pray do tell me. What is the necessity of breaking your heart? Come, let me stay and we will take counsel together. Clara. There are reasons which compel me to implore you to leave me. Your presence here will get me into an awful row Clarence. But what is the necessity for a row ? ( Aside. ) Can it be that she is going back on me? (Aloud.) Ah, think what a happy day we might upend together. Clara. No.it is impossible! Since we parted, not half an hour ago, events have happened Clarence. (Aside*) She must have been listening! Hoti mean! — - THE MARRIED WIDOWS. 15 Clara. Which render our union— at present, at least— quite out of the question. Enter Louise, unperceived by Clarence, and comes quietly to one side of him, Clara being on the other. Clarence. ( To Clara.) Oh, believe me, what you may have over* head was only spoken in jest. I love but you! (Louise smiles, still unperceiced by Clarence. Clara. I overheard nothing. The case is simply this:— When you asked me, just now, to marry you Louise. (Finishing sentence.) I thought that the news from Dakota would have left me free. Clarence. (Having started, and turned round to Louise, on hearing her voice. ) Left you free ? Clara. (Continuing.) To choose a successor. Clarence. (Aside. ) Scylla and Charybdis is a trifle to this* Louise. (Continuing.) But as I have just received a letter from that lusalubrious statiou Clara. (Continuing. ) To say that my husband, the Colonel Clarence. Your husband? Then you're not a widow? Clara. Only a grass one. Louise. (Continuing.) Accompanied by my husband, the Major Clarence. Your husband ? Then you're not a widow, either? Louise. Only a grass one ! ( Continuing.) Will be here in a very few minutes. Clarence. (Alarmed.) Here! You don t mean that ? ( lakes up his hat. Clara. You anticipate me, I see, in concluding Louise. That the presence of another man Clara. (Indignantly.) Under his very roof! (Aside.) It's really too bad ! Louise. Might lead to complications Clarence. Which I would not be the cause of for worlds. (Looks anxiously towards the door. Clara. Had it not been for this contretemps Louise. Were the marriage-laws less stringent Clara. I need not tell'you Louise. That having au«anuuity with which I could have paid our traveling expenses. Clarence. (Aside.) My lost Louise. Clara. That being in a position to render double suicide no longer necessary C'arence. (Aside.) The faithless Clara. Cuira and Louise. (Together.) We might have been happy yet ! Clarence. We might, indeed ! Clara* As it is, there is nothing left for me but to return (Feels in her pocket for vrofV 16 THE MARRIED WIDOWS. Louise. (Producing profile.) The profile you gave me long ago, (gives Clarunce the profile, which he holds i)t his hand) when I spent the day with my anut. Clarence. ( 'Looking at profile. ) Ah, I thought ho. Clara. (Producing profile. ) The sticking-plaster outline (gives profile to Clarence, roho holds it in his haml ) von presented me with in the cemetery, when you swore you would never forget me. Clarence. (Looking at profile.) Ah, I knew I could not be mis- taken. Louise. And now, pray, what have you to say in answer to the charge of gross infidelity we bring ag lint you? Clarence. (Holding a profile in each hand and looking at them. ) "Well, in the face Clara and Lons'ise. ( Together. ) Side-face ! Clarence. ( Continuing. ) Of such evidence as this, I have nothing left me but to plead guilty Clara and Louise. (Enquiringly.) To? Clarence. Constancy to my two first loves. But, have you nothing to answer for ? Clara. We may have, if you stay, to those who alone have the right to question us. Clarence. They may possibly object to having been made away with, even in theory, Louise. Not if it saved their wives from a premature death Clara. From stagnation ! Clarence. If I have been the means of retarding that dismal doom, I have nothing to regret. Louise. And you promise to bear us no malice? Clara. Never to refer to the "Matrimonial News?" Clarence. Never! if you will swear not to sell me to the regiment. Clara and Louise. (Looking np to Heaven in a solemn manner, each hold out a lntnd to lake Clarence's, but unconsciously shake each other's hand. ) We swear I Clarence. And should we meet some future time, if circumstances happen to be move favorable; should any unforeseen event have oc- curred, (widows pretend to be horrijied) may I no f cherish the hope that one of you will remain faithful to the regiment? Louise. As it is, I fear there is nothing to be done : Clara, (r.c.) Not in our present peculiar position. For though we are practically two poor lonely widows, bereft of oiu husbands, still wet hink it would hardly do for you to marry us both. Clarence, (c.) Especially as the husbands are still in the land of the living, and at this moment, perhaps, near at hand. Forgive me. dear ladies, (he pretends to\oeep) if 1— cannot Louise. (i,.c. ) H»-joice with us, that after to-day we are no more to be widows of that class called grass. Curtain,' THE AMATEUR HTAOE. PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. i Aladdin and the Wonder- 21 Harlequin Little Red Rid- 44 Mischievous Bob. ful Lamp. ing Hood. 45 A Pint of Ale. 2 The Loves of Little Bo- 22 Fireside Diplomacy. 46 The Last Drop. Peep and Little Boy Blue. 23 Ingomar (Burlesque). 47 The Wine C U P- 3 Little Silver Hair and the 24 Money Makes the Man. 48 Out in the Streets. Three Bears. 25 The Happy Dispatch. 49 Mothers and Fathers. 4 Robin Hood; or.the Merry 26 An Eligible Situation. 50 Taken In and Done For. 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