Class 
 
 Book_„- 
 
 COPYRIGHT DEPOSIT 
 
z^ 
 
 Life on the Westen Rivers* 
 
 BY 
 
 JOHN HABERMEHL 
 
 M 
 
 AUTHOR OF ROBINSON CRUSO FOR SOUND MONEY AND GOLD STANDARD. SANCHO PANZO, 
 ESQUIRE OF DON QUIXOTE, FOR FREE AND UNLIMITED COINAGE OF SILVER AND 
 FIAT MONEY. THIRTY YE.\RS OF PERSONAL OBSERVATION OF THE ACTIONS 
 AND DOINGS OF THE POLITICAL PARTIES. IN COURSE OF PREP- 
 ARATION. ROBINSON CRUSOE ON TARIFF. A TREATISE 
 ON NEW INVENTIONS AND PATENT LAWS. 
 
 INDEX. 
 
 POINTS OUT THE INCIDENTS, SIGHTS AND SCENES OF THIS BOOK. 
 
 McN'ARY & SIMPSON, Printers and Publishers, 
 lUi) Market Street, Pitt.sburgh, Pa. 
 
 
Library of Connr-'iq 
 
 Twu Copies Rf< m>'ko 
 
 FEB 7 1901 
 
 ^J.r..J£?4.Q^ 
 SECOND COPY 
 
 
Memphis & Arkansas City Packet Company. 
 STEAMER KATE ADAMS. 
 
 Built by James Rees & Sons Company, 
 Pittsburg, Pa. 
 
 THE FIRST, 1820, AND THE LATEST, 1900, OF SIDE 
 WHEELERS ON WESTERN RIVERS. 
 
\»^- N ^ 
 
 N*Vv>X^yjV ^ 
 
 V ^VN 
 
III. 
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Let us understand each other as 
 to the true intention of this book* 
 
 While Editors and Reviewers, as a rule, will examine the 
 preface of a book, many people never read it, or even notice the 
 name of the author or publisher. 
 
 The true history of Life on the Western Rivers (the 
 Mississippi and its tributaries) in olden times, with their rough, 
 dangerous life, is surely interesting. So also it is interesting to 
 read of the ups and downs of Flat and Keel boats since the days 
 of Fulton, and to note the progress of boating in the grand 
 majestic steamers, foaming and lashing the rivers; in the words 
 of Henry Clay, "Plying the rivers with thundering, flashing and 
 lightning." 
 
 It is interesting to know the river character (who never 
 sings a song of sorrow), his blunt generosity, his habits, dialects, 
 superstitions, his bravery in danger, his hardships, his struggle 
 in competition, his happy hours and his songs — for "the boatman 
 is a happy man." 
 
 Even more interesting are the negro boat slaves, who, 
 though in low drudgery, dance and sing their soul-stirring songs 
 with hearts happy and light, "Die Lorhab blessed die colored 
 population." Then to observe the morality in olden times is in- 
 teresting — the pilfering and stealing, the mixed condition or 
 hotch-pot, the religion, profanity, the gambling, the strong 
 drinks, sandwiched with tobacco. 
 
 And lastly, bearing in mind that all men are born free and 
 equal, it is interesting to see how very unequal they were then 
 on the boats. The negroes were slaves, and the poor white man, 
 under the lash of necessity, worked all night in mud and rain, 
 while the rich lived in indolent ease. 
 
 In describing life on the Western Rivers let it be understood 
 that the writer's aim has been to avoid taxing the mind with 
 merely dry matter, for such is only read by the smallest number, 
 for it is the nature of man to laugh rather than to be sober. 
 
 And further, to guard against a misunderstanding, the 
 writer has taken in the subject strictly from a human nature 
 
IV. 
 
 standpoint; in dissecting human nature, to cut true to the Hne, 
 whether it will strike the joint or the bone of the Infidel, 
 Christian, Capitalist, or the Trade Unionist. 
 
 Our subject embraces a very large scope of country, settled 
 by thousands of people along the western water ways, making it 
 rather difficult to tell where the riverman began or where he left 
 off; for tho' neither Henry Clay nor Abe I^incoln were known as 
 river men, yet none the less they formed a link of this rough life 
 at times, for both were flat boat men in their day. 
 
 Although life on the western rivers is very peculiar in itself, 
 yet to merely describe this rough, dangerous calling, and merely 
 present interesting spicy scenes, where some could drop a tear 
 and others laugh, would not do justice to this subject. 
 
 River men were not born and raised on steamboats, but on 
 land, as an intermingled and inseparable part of the Western 
 people, a very large percentage of whom followed boating only a 
 part of the year, for a few months in the spring and fall, or 
 in the Southern trade in winter. The balance of the time they 
 pursued some calling on land. 
 
 Some parts of this book, beyond a question, will be interest- 
 ing to all classes in learning something of the olden times of this 
 hard life, with some spicy scenes. The riverman, as a matter of 
 course, will find much of interest in the scenes of hardships, fun, 
 and in the progress of boating. The Christian will find a flat 
 denial of the common saying that "The people are not as good 
 as they used to be." 
 
 The Infidel will chuckle and laugh in his sleeve, upon reading 
 about the pilfering and stealing on steamboats, as it upholds his 
 doctrine that, "Man is only an animal and a natural born thief." 
 
 The Socialist will find cold comfort to bring about his Social 
 Millennium. The Political Economist may get a few hints on 
 old monopolies, modern trusts and strikes. To change the spots 
 of a leopard is rather an uphill business. And the modern 
 Sociologist and Evolutionist will exclaim, "Just so, see how 
 steamboats and Western society have progressed, developed and 
 unfolded to fit our doctrine, 'that the weaker go to the wall, and 
 the stronger are survivors of the fittest.' " The Reader, by 
 
 GLANCING OVER THE HEADINGS AND INDEX, CAN SELECT TO 
 HIS FANCY. 
 
LIFE ON THE WESTERN RIVERS. 
 
 TN presenting this subject to the public, the writer will say that 
 for a clear understanding, one must have something of an 
 idea of the surrounding conditions of the country, in olden times. 
 The social condition of the people west of the Allegheny moun- 
 tains was entirely different than at present, and, aside from towns 
 and cities, there was almost no social distinction amongst the 
 farmers, for the reason that farm productions had a very small 
 value, naturally placing one and all on equality. It is often 
 mentioned, that the people in olden times, were so very generous 
 and more sociable than now-a-days, which, however, is readily 
 inferred by merely probing human nature for an explanation. 
 
 One can well afford to be generous and sociable, to entertain 
 a man and his horse over night when his farm productions have 
 little or no value, and by reason whereof it was a small matter 
 for the stores and hotels to have a jug of free whiskey and a 
 basket full of stogies standing on the counter for the public. 
 
 There was virtually no money in those days, only once in a 
 while one would have a chance to look at a Mexican silver dollar 
 and a few Fibs and Bits, aside from an article generally called 
 "Wild Cat or Red Dog" money, of which any one could have 
 rolls by merely gathering it up. This was generally used for 
 gambling and horse racing. 
 
 There being a scarcity of money, everything was traded 
 among the farmers, which often put them in a tight place to pay 
 their taxes. These, however, were small; a few Fibs and Bits 
 would square up; but to get the Bits was where the rub came in. 
 
Some fanners in Monroe County, Ohio, even in the years of 
 the forties, with their many broad acres, could not at times raise 
 enough sound money to redeem a letter out of the post-office. 
 
 The question here for the political economist to answer is, 
 "What excuse was there for such a condition of money matters 
 among the farmers?" Some blamed the low tariff to be the 
 death nail to home manufacturers, leaving the farmers without 
 consumers; and to make that which was bad still worse, all the 
 sound money was sent across the ocean for foreign goods, and 
 the wild-cat and red-dog money was left at home for the people 
 to use as they saw fit. The South, who got sound money in 
 selling her cotton, viewed the matter from a different standpoint. 
 Let this be as it may, tariff or no tariff, it proves as a historical 
 fact that the farmers' consumers are strictly dependent on home 
 manufacturers. 
 
 The tightness of sound money was but little better in towns 
 and cities; most business was done in trade and the only cash 
 system was in commerce from a matter of an unavoidable neces- 
 sity; so this was a great inducement for farmers and others to 
 endure the hardships and dangers of river life, where they could 
 get the cash. This dull drag of business without sound money 
 received a help in 1848, in the discovery of gold in California and 
 by a better class of foreign immigrants, who brought consider- 
 able sound money with them, in the "fifties," and also foreign 
 wars for a short time, raised the price of wheat to help the 
 farmers out; and just in exact proportion as business increased 
 to raise things to a higher value, the liberal generosity of the 
 people became less and fell to freezing point, so there were no 
 more free whiskey and free stogies to be found upon the store 
 and hotel counters. 
 
 To give an insight of the olden times west of the Alle- 
 ghenies, and to know its history, it is thought best to show up 
 the finances, because the almighty dollar is the pulse of a nation. 
 
Much might be said here about how the people lived in those 
 times, but when we know one side, that they had no money, the 
 other side may be readily inferred. 
 
 The fact that Abe Lincoln split a lot of rails for enough 
 brown jeans dyed with white walnut bark, for a pair of trousers, 
 is a ver}- strong presumption that he did not have the cash. The 
 people having a kind of social millennium all on one common, 
 dead level, the great men of the Western country had no luxury 
 of which to boast, as Henry Clay and Abe Lincoln, for good 
 examples. Henrj' Clay, on his waj', made a short stop in the city 
 of Pittsburgh (which to the writer's best recollection must have 
 been about 1846), and the people, to show their respect, brought 
 out the entire force of the fire engines, a peculiar custom in those 
 daj^s, and as the engine companies drew up in front of the 
 Monongahela House, where he was stopping, he delivered a short 
 speech from the balcony, in which he mentioned how in his 
 younger days at Pittsburgh he had fixed up a flat-boat to take 
 his family down the river to Kentucky, and otherwise explaining 
 what a great change had taken place in the growth of Pittsburgh, 
 etc. The Ohio Valley was settled up in this way; as the people 
 came over the Allegheny mountains they would take passage at 
 Pittsburgh on a flat, raft or keel boat, and sing the well known 
 river song, "Hi-o, the way we go floating down the river on the 
 0-hi-o." 
 
 Judging from the prefixes, "Mac," "Mc" and "O", shows 
 what class of people settled on the best lands along the Ohio 
 river, and many have deeds signed by George Washington and 
 Andrew Jackson. 
 
 The poor hilly lands in many places along the river were 
 settled by the same class of people, who cultivated the lands with 
 an Irish indifference, with a hunting gun on their shoulder. 
 These, in many places, gave way to the Germans, who have 
 
8 
 
 carved out good producing farms in the dark hills of Monroe 
 County, Ohio. 
 
 Character, Habits, Language and Superstitions 
 OF THE River Men. 
 
 Steamboat men were of different nationalities. A large per- 
 centage were American born Irish and Pennsylvania Germans; 
 these being among the leading officers, captains and boat owners. 
 
 In about the first years of the forties the common crew, deck 
 hands and firemen, were mostly native Americans, who were 
 frozen out by newly imported Irish and Germans, as the latter 
 could stand more hardships for the same amount of wages. 
 
 Negroes have always been employed on boats as the cabin 
 and deck crew and often to occupy the important position as 
 steward; they, however, instead of progressing onward, have 
 gone back, to be now only employed as waiters in the cabin and 
 as deck hands and firemen. The employment of boatmen was 
 very irregular as a rule, on the Northern rivers only a few 
 months in the spring and fall owing to ice in winter and low 
 water in summer, the cabin and kitchen crews with a big trip of 
 passengers would in some cases have to work eighteen hours per 
 day and at other times have comparatively nothing to do. 
 
 The deck crew would undergo a beastly labor for thirty or 
 forty hours night and day at one stretch and at times have an in- 
 termission of leisure for days, and it was these leisure times 
 which caused men to endure these hardships. These few months 
 of employment in a year, with idleness the balance of the time, 
 had a demoralizing effect on the cabin, kitchen and deck crews, 
 which ended in time in the Marine Hospital with death. There 
 were, of course, a certain percentage of exceptions, men of pru- 
 prudent and sober habits. 
 
 By an act of Congress the boats were authorized to deduct a 
 certain sum from the wages of each employee to be paid to the 
 
9 
 
 Hospital Fund, so in reality these used up men paid for their 
 own coffins. 
 
 But this is neither here nor there; society conforms to the 
 natural laws — the big fish eat the little ones and Christian civili- 
 zation is upheld and sustained by the sacrifice of human treasure, 
 that is life, blood and muscle. The number of people killed 
 every year by machinery, street cars, railroads and other causes 
 is certainly very great, and it is said that every tie on the Panama 
 Railroad costs on an average one life. 
 
 A river character is next thing to a sailor, generous, out- 
 spoken and plump in his manners, and as the saying goes, 
 "Every man has his sign up, so that one may know his calling." 
 If one is seen walking with a peculiar, swinging, shuffling gait, 
 and with an expression, "Jim crack corn, and I don't care;" 
 the chances are that he is a boatman or has been there. The 
 most successful w^ere those who used to push keel boats, or 
 through sober industry worked their way up from cabin boys or 
 deck hands to become officers or owners of boats, and who made 
 no pretense of book learning, for only the clerk in the office 
 needed to be a man of letters. 
 
 In making loans to each other paper and ink were seldom 
 used. There was an understanding, however, that in case one 
 failed to pay it back satisfaction was to be taken out of his hide, 
 to see who was the best man, and in honor it must be said that 
 in olden times it was considered cowardly for rivermen to use 
 knives and pistols, for matters were settled up with a fair fight. 
 
 Right here is a pointer for the political economist. What a 
 blessing it would be for our country had this rule never changed, 
 and we still had that instead of the bar-room loafer with a re- 
 volver in his hip pocket, under the constitutional right, crowding 
 our courts full of murder cases, which are said to number fully 
 ten thousand per year. . 
 
10 
 
 For men to settle their difference of opinion in the old hon- 
 orable way Washington and Lincoln set the j^oung men a good 
 example. Both of these men, when they had a little brush in 
 their younger days, abided the result, but neither of them ever 
 used a knife or a pistol, and as mentioned b}^ the well known 
 writer, F. G. Carpenter, that on one occasion when Washington 
 had gotten a black eye he submitted to the result and took a 
 drink of wine with his opponent, to square the matter up. 
 
 Rivermen had rather an odd custom in the use of names for 
 each other and other slang phrases only peculiar to river life. 
 As a rule the crew was not known by their true names but only 
 by their position, as pilot, mate, engineer, steward, cook, deck- 
 hand, roustabout, etc. The carpenter was called "Chips," the 
 fourth engineer "Striker," the third cook "Slush," and the 
 captain was always called "Old Man," no matter how young he 
 might be. In speaking of slang phrases it must not be supposed 
 that the leading officers of a boat were .so indifferent about their 
 language as the balance of the crew, as there are gradations in all 
 societies. River society no exception. But as Shakespeare got 
 his knowledge of human nature, by mixing with the people, let 
 us not give the common crew of boatmen the cold shoulder. 
 
 The choice of language is not by any means sentimental with 
 boatmen. L,ove and sweetheart are .seldom used, and if an 
 Englishman can with propriety call his sweetheart a lass, and a 
 German his love a menscli (wench), there is no reason why one 
 may not call the attractive qualities of a girl, "A nice piece of 
 meat," or, "As fine a piece of mutton as ever stepped in shoe 
 leather," and a woman somewhat advanced in years, "An old 
 meat house." 
 
 A man's language is in some respects an index to his char- 
 acter, which may not be bad or immoral, but unpolished and 
 rough; and so far as the morality of boatmen is concerned, it is 
 
1] 
 
 siifflcient to say that their moral conduct is just exactly like that 
 of other men away from home and unknown. 
 
 While it must be admitted that in olden times more oaths 
 were used on boats than necessary, yet at the same time, those 
 who live in glass houses ought to be careful how they throw 
 stones, for it is certainly an old story that some of the leading 
 men of the nation were not very sensitive about these matters, 
 and it is said that George Washington himself, when he got very 
 angry, would give himself relief right from the heart, and it is 
 related by those who knew Abe lyincoln personally that some of 
 his language, when a 3'oung man, did not bear the stamp of a re- 
 fined polish. The language used by some of the great men is 
 never published, but there were some who could use an oath to 
 beat a boatman all hollow, and while some of Lincoln's expres- 
 sions were made to fit the times of a new country, the writer has 
 no recollection that any one ever accused Lincoln of swearing. 
 
 If the expressions said to have been made by Andrew Jackson 
 are true he would have made a good steam-boat mate, judging 
 from his reply to the boast of the English General, before the 
 Battle of New Orleans, that he would eat his breakfast in the 
 city, to which Jackson is said to have retorted, "That he (the 
 English General) will eat his breakfast in hell." 
 
 It will be observed that while the inside of man still remains 
 the same, the outside of boatmen has undergone a change. As 
 a nation progresses in Science and Arts, the outer surface of man 
 becomes more refined, as in white-washing the rough splinters 
 and knot holes of an old fence. The lumber remains the same. 
 In accordance with this rule of polite hypocrisy, river men have 
 become more careful in the use of language. 
 
 The steward on good boats is now considered an important 
 officer and is expected to be a man of some education and refine- 
 ment, so it is seldom the case to hear a mate make use of an oath, 
 as in olden times. 
 
12. 
 
 It is almost needless to say that boatmen, like sailors, were 
 brimful of superstition; and the writer ventures to say that there 
 has been very little change in that respect, for man to believe in 
 good and evil spirits is a kind of a religion. The Bible itself 
 speaks of witchcraft and therefore it must be true. 
 
 There are some things for good luck and some for bad, the 
 horse shoe as on land, means good luck and is generally nailed 
 up near the engines to ward off bad accidents. For a boat to 
 carry a preacher or a white horse was considered the worst kind 
 of luck, and now what is strange, that the presence of one of 
 these charms was in all cases considered sufficient to ward off 
 evil, and it stands to reason a minister without hoof irons had 
 nothing to redeem him and one would naturally suppose that a 
 white horse who stood on four horse shoes filled the bill, but the 
 fact of being white was enough to be considered equally 
 dangerous. Whenever a rat would leave the boat, that was 
 enough for some men to quit, get their wages and follow the rat. 
 Friday was always considered a day of bad luck and while boat- 
 men had no Sunday it was always considered of importance to 
 look out for breakers ahead on Friday, There was all the proof 
 in the world. A certain boat had been begun on Friday — 
 launched on Friday — started out on Friday — and sunk on Friday, 
 evidence enough for some captains to be on their guard. 
 
 Friday commanded respect, like the man in France who 
 robbed and murdered a man and then threw the meat away, say- 
 ing that it was a sin to eat it because it was Friday. 
 
 The rivermen had a thousand good and bad omens, and the 
 negroes on a boat were brimful of these noi-ions, as the de- 
 scendants of the low Africans, where the women of some tribes 
 will knock their upper teeth out to have a mouth like the ox, be- 
 cause he is considered holy. For one to turn his back to the 
 back of the chambermaid, was considered by her a sure omen of 
 a big fall out and fuss. 
 
lu some cases where sailors are superstitious boatmen are 
 not, as it is said it is best to conceal the shipping of a corpse on 
 the ocean, on account of the sailors, yet it is a matter of total in- 
 difference to the deck crew of a boat to play a game of cards on 
 the coffin. All these superstitious notions are a true link of 
 commonh' called witchcraft, which fits the remark said to have 
 been made b}' Horace Greeley that, "Man was a noble animal 
 but learned very slow. " Then we must take into consideration 
 that it has been only a comparatively short time back in history 
 that man has shown himself to have been a kind of a stupid re- 
 ligious beast to torture and put innocent women to death for 
 witchcraft. If one would swear that he had "done nothing to 
 promote the cause of the Devil, and so help God and his Saints," 
 he was a competent witness in Court before Sir Matthew Hale, 
 to prove that he had seen a woman riding through the air on a 
 broom stick, as a witch. Blackstone, in commenting on this, 
 presented two sides of the question. To deny witchcraft on the 
 one hand "is at once to flatly contradict the revealed word of 
 God," "Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live," and on the 
 other, as he saj^s in plain English, there was no e\'idence but 
 "ridiculous stories," "To demolish all faith in such a dubious 
 crime," which put the Parliament in a dilemma. And so, as the 
 less of two evils, the law under the reign of George the II, To 
 prosecute witchcraft without evidence or flatly den}' the holy writ, 
 was abolished, which, however, did not abolish the belief with 
 a very large per cent, of boatmen, judging from hearing their 
 witchcraft stories. 
 
 Boating ox the Western Rivers. 
 
 Flat boats and Keel boats were the only mode of conveyance 
 on the Western rivers in olden times, for both freight and pas- 
 sengers. A Keel boat, it is said, carried from 80 to 75 tons, and 
 to make a trip from New Orleans to Pittsburgh required about 
 
14 
 
 four months. While it was fun to float with the stream it was 
 uphill labor to push a boat against the stream, which on the 
 solid bottomed Ohio was usually done with poles; but on the 
 sandy Mississippi poles did not answer so well, so the boats were 
 pulled with ropes fastened to trees or snags along the shore. 
 Light passenger Keel boats, worked with oars, might have been seen 
 on the Ohio in low water when there was not much of a current; 
 the boats were pulled over the ripples (called riffles bj' the river 
 men) with ropes; but on the Mississippi, with a current on an 
 average of about four miles an hour, this boating must have been 
 very difficult business. 
 
 On the Ohio river Keel boats were, as a rule, pushed up 
 stream with poles braced against the shoulders of men walking 
 on gang-ways on the sides of the boats, and in order that the men 
 would all push together one would cry out "0-hi-o." lyike 
 sailors in pulling a rope, which in time gave the name Ohio. 
 Some writers hold that Ohio is an Indian name and means a 
 beautiful river. That the river got its name on Keel boats seems 
 the most probable, which agrees with the boatman's song, "Hi, 
 O, the way we go, floating down the river on the Ohio;" because 
 new words or terms are made by accidental expressions. Like 
 calling a steam boat captain "Old Man," the third cook "Slush," 
 the carpenter "Chips," and the fourth engineer "Striker." It 
 is needless to say that pushing Keel boats was a hard and rough 
 life, with the benefit once in a while of a free bath when the pole 
 would slip on a rock. The men being expert swimmers, it would 
 only call forth a hearty laugh to see the man paddle out of the 
 water and shake himself like a poodle dog, lay hold of his pole 
 again as though nothing had happened, and push and sing, 
 "0-hi-O or Hi-Hi-0." As mentioned, Henry Clay paddled 
 his own flat boat on the "Hi-0, the way we go." Old Honest 
 Abe Lincoln had his due share of flat boat life. When only 
 nineteen years old he was made commander-in-chief of a flat boat 
 
THE FIRST 1811. AND THE LATEST, 1900, OF STERN 
 WHEELERS ON THE OHIO RIVER. 
 
 1SL. 
 
 PITTSBURG AND CINCINNATI PACKET. 
 
15 
 
 to dispose of the cargo at the sugar plantations somewhere be- 
 tween Natchez and New Orleans, and one night while tied up at 
 the shore, seven negroes undertook to rob the boat, and perhaps 
 snuff his candle out. But this was not to be. Young Abe, to 
 command respect, knocked three of them down with a hand 
 spike and even gave the others, who took to their heels, a lively- 
 foot race to give him the slip in the dark. Let us not be ungen- 
 erous to the colored race. These men carried out only their 
 natural instinct to rob, and had no knowledge of the emancipa- 
 tion proclamation to give them their freedom, because it was not 
 in print yet. 
 
 A Brief Sketch of Olden Time Steam Boats. 
 
 The more man becomes enlightened, the less he knows about 
 history, that is the less he believes under the test of reason; for 
 anything which, contrary to common sense, which is science, is 
 not worthy of our belief. 
 
 The first steam boat on the Ohio river made its appearance 
 in March, 1811, at Pittsburgh, and was called the "New 
 Orleans," built by Fulton, described as having been 138 feet 
 long and about 300 tons, with a stern wheel, two masts and one 
 engine, and it is said to have had a speed from ten to twelve 
 miles per hour, down stream, and to have reached Cincinnati the 
 second night. In other words, made the distance of 467 miles in 
 about a day and a half and two nights. This speed, if it be true, 
 was something remarkable, because in the fifties the fastest 
 packet lines always required this time to reach Cincinnati with 
 all the facilities to get their fuel on the way, and in olden times 
 boats had to cut their own wood for fuel on their trips. It is 
 said, liowever, that her speed was only about three miles an hour 
 up stream, while the middle class of boats would make from six 
 to seven miles, and the first class boats from eight to nine miles 
 an hour against the stream, and boats going down stream do not 
 
16 
 
 by any means gain one-half, unless in a very high river with a 
 swift current; the gain is usually only about one-third. 
 
 This first steam boat must have been a curiosity. As de- 
 scribed by some of the Cyclopedias it was a kind of a long narrow 
 box painted blue, like a German barn, with one engine and a 
 stern wheel. The old timers of the side wheelers had only one 
 engine in the middle of the boat, which often caught; what the 
 river men called "catcliiug on the center," and required the 
 deckhands, with capstan bars, to pry the whee^ from the center, 
 and stern wheel boats were much worse with only one engine, 
 the wheel being in a constant eddy would turn every half revolu- 
 tion with a jerk. In olden times boats never landed for pas- 
 sengers, but would stop in the middle of the river and send out 
 the yawl for the reason presently explained. It is related that 
 Mr. lyincoln at one time told Mr. Seward how he once earned a 
 dollar by taking two men and their trunks on a flat boat to a 
 steam boat out in the river, because there were no wharves for 
 boats to land at on the Western rivers. If Mr. Lincoln ever 
 gave this as a reason (we use the word if), he was mistaken. 
 It was owing to the imperfect construction of the boats, for when 
 they got near the shore it was difficult to get out into the river 
 again, especially for stern wheel, boats, while side wheel boats 
 were but little better. 
 
 Most boats were side wheelers, with but one engine in the 
 middle of the deck with a large fly wheel reaching down in the . 
 hold and up through the cabin, housed over to. answer for a 
 table, and to guard against the engine stopping on the center the 
 further one of the wheels could be uncoupled,. to either back or 
 go ahead with one wheel, and thus twist the boat from the shore. 
 
 These difficulties have all been overcome; both side and stern 
 w^heel boats have each two engines. They no longer "catch on 
 the center," and .stern wheel boats can now turn with all ease, 
 by the improvement of the rudder. Boats also have an improved 
 
17 
 
 stage plank, worked by a small engine called a "nigger," which 
 makes landing mere child's play. The packet boats from 
 Wheeling to Clarington, thirty miles down stream, will make the 
 run in four hours, making from forty to forty-five landings. 
 
 Mr. Lincoln could not at the present time turn over an 
 honest penny by carrying a passenger on a flat boat to a steam 
 boat to avoid the landing. Most boats were side wheelers even 
 up to a very recent date, for stern wheelers did not meet with 
 public favor; no one would travel on them if side wheelers were 
 at hand, and they were, as a rule, only used for freight. 
 
 But all this has changed; the first stern wheeler of Fulton's 
 has finally carried the day, in which the almighty dollar has 
 decided the question in favor of stern wheelers, as they can be 
 built cheaper and run cheaper, requiring only two engineers, while 
 a side wheeler must have four, and the shafts of the wheel being 
 placed at a right angle, so when one engine is on the center the 
 other is at a pull, thus working like a charm. Rivermen deserve 
 great credit as inventors of improvements, but even with all their 
 inventive genius, it took them upwards of eighty years to find 
 out that stern wheelers were the best boats on the Western rivers. 
 It took man a long time to find out that boats were built too 
 narrow by one-half, to carry freight, and that it was a great 
 annoyance for the mate to run the passengers from one side to 
 the other, to ballast up, called "trimming the boat," even up to 
 the last years of the forties. 
 
 It took man a long time to get over his single engine with a 
 heavy fly wheel to keep over the center, with not enough sense 
 to house it on the lower deck, for the writer remembers an in- 
 stance where a man lost one of his children, and to his horror 
 found the head in one place and the body in another by being 
 caught in the fly wheel. The fly wheels would take a notion to 
 burst, or fly apart once in a while, which might happen just at 
 
IS 
 
 meal time, and make a general smashup of the crockery and often 
 cause loss of life. 
 
 Manufacturing District of Pittsburgh. 
 
 In order to get a clear idea of Western steam boats one must 
 have an idea of the Western country, to explain the whole 
 matter. 
 
 The Ohio has been formed away back in the night of time, 
 by some great natural forces, said to have been ice from the 
 north, draining a large scope of country west of the Allegheny 
 Mountains, 
 
 That there have been great forces at work which have 
 brought about great changes there can be no question; the evi- 
 dences are as clear as noon day that the river at Pittsburgh was 
 at one time over a hundred feet higher, judging from the holders 
 and gravel-beds on Troy Hill, and at Parkersburg, W. Va., a 
 hundred feet lower, judging from the drift of logs, which were 
 reached in boring for oil. 
 
 There must have been away back in time many falls between 
 Pittsburgh and Cincinnati, when we take in view the many 
 riffles which are unseen in higher water, but in low water so diffi- 
 cult for boats to get over against the current. 
 
 It was said by old men that Pittsburgh was first located 
 twelve miles lower down at White's Riffle, because the keel boats 
 could not get over it; and it is said that Henry Clay located the 
 National Road, where Wheeling now stands, because the boat he 
 was on could not get over a bad riffle called "The Sisters," and 
 was forced back to the Wheeling landing. 
 
 In taking a view of Pittsburgh it does not uphold the 
 doctrine that all things have been created by an intelligent de- 
 sign. One sees how the city is crowded for building room — to be 
 scattered for forty miles among the hills, ridges and gullies, with 
 some of its factories seventy miles away, while Chicago morally 
 
19 
 
 no better, has been more favored b}^ Providence for building 
 room, to have her population condensed to make a big show of 
 inhabitants. 
 
 The rough location was no more designed for man than the 
 ground hog, for both make the best of it. Man, however, has 
 proven himself the survivor of the fittest, and deserves great 
 credit for having built up a great manufacturing district reaching 
 over a large scope of country, making it impossible to tell where 
 Pittsburgh begins or leaves off — and it is further a very difficult 
 question to name the number of the population, which is a diff- 
 erence of opinion, what is meant by Pittsburgh, some would call 
 it a round million. 
 
 As our subject is, I^ife on the Western Rivers and of the 
 Western People, Pittsburgh presents an interesting question. 
 With her immense yearly tonnage, twice as large as London; 
 three times larger than New York or Chicago; and four times 
 more than Paris— a total of 46,000,000 tons. 
 
 Pittsburgh with its energy and push has often been called an 
 Irish City, while by some called it Scotch- Irish. 
 
 The m.an who has done most for the iron City is Mr. An- 
 drew Carnegie by his extended manufacturing plants and by his 
 contributions of millions has raised Pittsburg to be one of the first 
 cities in art and science. 
 
 Pittsburgh is the iron back bone of the United States and 
 does a great deal of silent solid business for which she gets no 
 credit in the clearing houses, by pajdng out cash in hand across 
 the bank counter to upwards of 50,000 factory hands, millions 
 per month, while trading cities square up their accounts mostly 
 by checks and bills of exchange, to make a big show in the 
 clearing house. Give Pittsburgh a cheap outlet to ship her 
 enormous tonnage by improved cheap water navigation and she 
 will astonish the world in the increase of business. 
 
20 
 
 Different Kinds of Boats. 
 
 All things are formed to suit their element, like a fish 
 formed to suit the water, and a boat must be built to fit the 
 river. 
 
 The upper Ohio above Louisville, Ky., has a rocky bottom 
 with hundreds of swift riflQes, frozen up in winter with no water 
 in summer, while the lower Mississippi is open the whole year 
 with not one stone (as big as a hen egg) for a thousand miles to 
 be found on its bottom. 
 
 These different conditions brought forth different styles of 
 boats, that which was called a high water boat on the upper Ohio, 
 was a low water boat on the lower Mississippi, because there was 
 more water. 
 
 The well known Randolph, in the American history, who 
 was opposed to improving the Ohio river, said that one-half of the 
 year it was frozen up, and the other half dry, which was stretch- 
 ing the blanket. The high water boats got an average of about 
 six month in a year, and the low water boats about two, making 
 eight months in all. The ups and downs of low water boats were 
 not all sunshine. L,ow water stern wheel boats were built to run 
 on seventeen inches of water and as they got a dollar per hundred 
 for freight from Pittsburgh to Cincinnati the temptation to take too 
 much to get over the rifles was great and aside from this they 
 would some times take one or two keel boats in tow, likewise 
 with too much of a load, then they would have a glorious time to 
 reach Cincinnati which would require some times ten days. 
 
 As a matter of course they would be sure to stick on every 
 riffle, then the fun would begin, with the captain, mate and deck- 
 hands all out in the river pushing, prying, lifting and swearing 
 with the engines in motion, to force the boat over the bar. 
 Night and day, until too completely exhausted to snatch up a 
 mouthful to eat. 
 
 After lifting, pushing and sparring, night and day with one 
 
21 
 
 of those good old fashioned oathes, once in a while d your 
 
 awkward heart, to twist and squirm the boat over the bars, with 
 no prayer in those da3^s, the boat would finally reach Cincinnati, 
 In speaking here how boatman labored daj^s and nights to work 
 the boat over the shoals and bars, Lincoln himself must have 
 been there, judging from his patent to lift a boat over the riffles 
 with a contrivance attached to the hull like a bellows to be 
 inflated to lift the boat up. 
 
 This proves beyond a question, that man's onlj' true source 
 to obtain a correct idea is through the study of arts and sciences, 
 because he must reason correctly to stand the practicable test. 
 
 The world is brimful of false theories and doctrines, outside 
 of arts and science, because there is no way to put them to a tan- 
 gible test, like Lincoln's patent. 
 
 To get a light low water boat over the riffles now a days 
 would be a small matter with a new invention of steam power, 
 but there is nothing to justify it, railroads have spoiled the trade 
 in low water. 
 
 In the years of the forties, on the upper Ohio, boats were 
 only from two to three hundred tons, which was increased in the 
 fifties to about five hundred tons, while on the Mississippi boats 
 were much larger and of a greater tonnage. The trouble was to 
 give a boat a big tonnage when built to go through the Louis- 
 ville canal only 172 feet long, which gave that"class of boats a 
 short dumpy appearance; but since the canal has been enlarged 
 an upper Ohio boat of 1 ,000 tons is not considered a very large 
 fry. Strange to say, that river men who had enough skill to 
 build very good boats, sometimes made a miscalculation in the 
 length of the Locks of the canal so as to require a boat to be made 
 shorter, in which dilemma a stern wheeler had the advantage by 
 simply removing a part of the wheel to get through the locks. 
 
22 
 
 Speed of Boats. 
 
 This is a question to be rightly understood, is dependant 
 upon several questions, as to low or high water; a light or heavy 
 boat, and as to the degree of firing up to raise steam. 
 
 A boat may be so heavily ladened not to make two miles an 
 hour on the Mississippi, or not be able to stem the current, and 
 in low water, although the draw of the boat has a foot to spare, 
 the drag or the suction will hold her back. The fair way to 
 judge a boat's speed is to take her in a natural or normal con- 
 dition, so to speak, for a boat of eight or nine miles an hour, 
 when flying light on a good stage of water can, under a great 
 strain, with an unnatural firing up with coal, pine knots and lard 
 oil, be forced to run from ten to twelve miles an hour; like a 
 man almost bursting a blood vessel in running a foot race. In 
 short spurts, in a slow current on the lower Ohio, some are said 
 to have made twenty miles an hour, and the Robert Lee is said 
 to have made seventeen miles an hour up stream on the 
 Mississippi. 
 
 Strange to say, with all the modern improvements of boats, 
 there has been no gain in speed for the last fifty years, for the J. 
 M. White, in the early forties, made the time from New Orleans 
 to St. Louis in about four days, which has not been beaten in a 
 stretch of about 1,200 miles, and the next best long pull was in 
 1851, by the Buckeye State, from Cincinnati to Pittsburgh, 467 
 miles in fort)^ hours, making the first 300 miles in twenty-four 
 hours, but it was said that the Thomas Swan had almost reached 
 the same distance in twenty-four hours on a regular business trip. 
 
 Improvement of Boats. 
 The improvement of boats in accordance with the modern 
 doctrine of evolution since the days of Fulton for the last eighty 
 years has been slow and gradual, with many fruitless 
 experiments. 
 
OLD TIMER. 
 
 A Sectional View of the Wheel and Cranks of the Olden Times 
 
 Stern Wheelers. Some show their Cranks at right 
 
 angles and some at a dead center. 
 
23 
 
 Up to the time of the middle of the j^ears of the thirties, 
 double deckers had hardly made their appearance; the cabin was 
 on the first deck with open bunks, with a curtain in front, which 
 was improved in time with an upper cabin, likewise with bunks 
 for beds, and in course of time state rooms were built with two 
 to four bunks, and in about the last years of the forties another 
 cabin was built on the hurricane deck, a small compartment for 
 the officers and cabin crew, now generally known as the "Texas," 
 but called "California" by some boats. 
 
 There were in use cylinder, flue and tubular boilers and 
 slide valve, lever and clipper engines, with two cylinders, one 
 small and the other large, so as to use the steam with double ex- 
 pansion, and another contrivance used bj^ some boats to use the 
 steam twice, called the "Elephant." , 
 
 After years of experimenting the discovery was made that 
 the form of the engine was immaterial, that one pound of coal 
 would produce a certain quantity of steam to settle the question, 
 so consequently the double cylinder and the "Elephant" were 
 sold for old iron and the cylinder boilers were also discarded as 
 wasting too much fuel and tubular, and as being too dangerous. 
 
 Some light low water boats used leather belts in place of a 
 shaft to turn the wheel and some high water boats used a cog- 
 wheel gearing, all found to be rather impracticable. In the fifties, 
 before the improved rudder was introduced, for stern wheel boats, 
 quite a number were built with two wheels and four engines, for 
 purpose to turn, by going ahead on one and back on the other. 
 
 Statistics of Boats Built and Tonnagk on the 
 Ohio River. 
 
 The boats built from 1824 to 1829 were 194, and from 1844 
 to 1849, 9G0, showing a great increase in the forties, for up to 
 1849 2,492 had been built. 
 
 It is rather difficult to get the true statistics of freight and 
 
L>4 
 
 passenger traffic on the Western rivers, owing to tlie great 
 variety of freight in provisions and other things from a broom to 
 a wheel-barrow, which are not classed under the head of tonnage. 
 There are hundreds of local packets in short trades which do 
 a great deal of business in a peddling way and carry passengers 
 in the very teeth of the railroads. Steam boats still control the 
 freight, especially heav}'' tonnage, which has undergone a 
 complete change since the forties, when a steam boat on the upper 
 Ohio of 300 tons, was considered quite a boat; while now a daj's 
 one boat, with barges in tow, will leave Pittsburgh with twelve 
 thousand tons, equivalent to over thirty of the old timers. Pas- 
 senger traffic on the upper Ohio has of late years been on the 
 increase by people of leisure; pleasure parties and tourists can 
 take in the sights of this beautiful river and live cheaper on a 
 first class boat with fine accommodations than at a second rate 
 hotel. The finer steamers are built at a cost of from sixty to 
 seventy thousand dollars, which proves that passengers are on 
 the increase, for the almighty dollar will not invest where there 
 is no return. These new boats are stern wheelers, with a good 
 speed, but they cannot be forced beyond twelve miles an hour, 
 a trial having been made on the lower Mississippi, with one of 
 the most powerful tow boats, with all possible power. The 
 reader can find a good article, with true illustrations on Western 
 boats, in the Engineering Magazine, August number, 1897, by 
 Cons. D. Millar. 
 
 Robbing, Ste.\lixg, Pilfering and Sponging 
 ON Steamboats. 
 
 In order to have a clear idea of man's honesty one ought to 
 have a knowledge of human nature to see man from a philo- 
 sophical standpoint, and if we know the nature of the old block 
 we will be sure to know the nature of the new chip. 
 
 History tells us that the people of ancient Europe were a set 
 
25 
 
 of open daylight robbers and cut throats, and would rob and kill 
 another and drink water out of his skull, that being more ser- 
 viceable than the shell of a gourd; but through the progress of 
 civilization of about two thousand j^ears man has undergone a 
 material change in many respects to be less an open day light 
 robber and more of sneaking thief in the dark. Both the re- 
 ligious people and men of science agree that man has a natural 
 inclination to rob and steal; they differ only on the manner in 
 which he became corrupt; the Christians hold that he was made 
 perfect, but by taking a bite of an apple fell; and the men of 
 science (very often called infidels) hold man to be merely a link 
 of all animal creation, in which one animal lives off of another 
 either by force (robbery) or cunning (stealing), to which rule 
 man forms no exception. When we draw a true canvas of 
 Christian civilization before our ej^es we are very forcibly im- 
 pressed by the fact that although the gospel had been preached 
 for upwards of two thousand years, it has not produced the de- 
 sired result. 
 
 Now to get a clear idea of man's honesty. To say some 
 cities have one police ofl&cer to about two hundred inhabitants, 
 does not by any means give a true insight of human nature; then 
 take into consideration that every bank and thousands of estab- 
 lishments have a watchman with a revolver in his hip pocket, 
 that thousands of men of wealth sleep with a revolver under their 
 pillows, and with all doors locked and bolted. 
 
 The canvas we have drawn of man fits the remarks of a 
 French King who when asked how his people managed to live, 
 answered, "They live by robbing each other." This French 
 King left out the word "swindling" which is quite a factor in 
 honesty, judging from the fact that upwards of thirty thousand 
 letters are yearly sent to the dead letter office of our country 
 found to be for swindling purposes, which is certainly a very 
 small per cent, of such letters mailed. Having thus with a few 
 
20 
 
 preliminar)' remarks prepared the reader's mind, to take in the 
 whole business, we will soon see how steam boat men were put 
 through by robbing, stealing, swindling, pilfering and sponging; 
 but let us give the devil his dues. Some people who would not 
 wrong their neighbors of one red cent, think it no harm to swin- 
 dle the government, just as Douglass is reported to have said 
 that he always felt like stealing, whenever he saw the Capitol. 
 It is no harm for the women coming from Europe to smuggle 
 costly silks, quilted between common goods for underwear, in- 
 deed as a rule people have little conscience for a county, city or 
 corporation. 
 
 A steam boat being in the nature of a corporation owned by 
 share holders or joint stock companies, a slice from a cut loaf is 
 not missed. As every society of man has a lower and a higher 
 rank so the customers we are about to describe form no exception 
 to this rule. 
 
 The lowest grade of small pilfering and the highest of larger 
 amounts, as the remark attributed to Simond Cameron, every 
 man has his price. The saying goes. Honesty is the best of pol- 
 icy, therefore it is simply a question how much one's policy is 
 worth when there is a good chance to make a good haul, as the 
 remark is often made, "I would not risk my position for a small 
 sum," when the policy is worth more. 
 
 As remarked there are different kinds of people with long 
 fingers on steam boats, the lowest is called a "wharf rat" whose 
 policy has a very small value. 
 
 In speaking of wharf rats we are almost ahead of our story: 
 Finst conies the nest of the rat, his climate and habits for as all 
 animals select a location best sviited to their nature, so this biped 
 wharf rat is no exception in seeking its most congenial clime. 
 
 The port of New Orleans, in winter was the ver}'' thing, in a 
 mild climate where cheap, light clothing would answer, and in 
 case of a pinch a bed on the wharf among the cotton bales, at 
 
night was better than a board pile in the north. Aside, however 
 from the warm chmate this port had every attraction the heart 
 might desire for poorer rich, every accommodation for all classes, 
 every imaginable kind of amusements. Cheap rum-shops and 
 fine saloons, cheap theatres and stylish ones, cheap ball rooms 
 and those for the better classes, gambling halls, dog-fights, cock- 
 pits, in full blast week days and Sundays 
 
 The ball room for the classes only opened up at 12 o'clock 
 at night while the ball rooms for the masses were opened bright 
 and early to clip the wool of the northern lambs, free to the pub- 
 lic only each man had to be divested of knives and pistols before 
 entering and every man had to treat at the bar at the end of each 
 dance. The better class of ball rooms, for the Northern aristoc- 
 risy charged a round fee for the men — but women were admitted 
 free; but both sex had to stand an examination before entering. 
 As a matter of cour.se all ball rooms had a bar and a number of 
 adjoining rooms for games and gambling for one and all to trj^ 
 their luck. With all these amusements, it must be said in honor 
 of the City Government, under the French law, that the police 
 kept most excellent order. Thus New Orleans in winter time 
 was a comfortable nest for the "wharf rat" and a real paradise 
 for the better classes for innocent sight seeing. 
 
 The places of amusement were supported by outside capital 
 from different nationalities, which must have been very large 
 judging from the miles of ships and many boats at the wharf. 
 
 Americans were the most free in spending money, from the 
 northern states came the largest per cent. , consisting of different 
 classes, some of whom would only feel disappoiated to be called 
 respectable or decent, while most claimed to be church members 
 — firm believers in religion, who merely meant to simply gratify 
 their curiosity to see the sights in New Orleans. Now the rea- 
 son so little has been accomplished to change the inner nature of 
 man aside from an outer polish of religious hypocrisy, is because 
 
28 
 
 his religion is located in the upper part of the brain only, while 
 the lower part, the animal of man will carry out his natural incli- 
 nations in spite of his teeth whenever his policy, to uphold a re- 
 spectable name, is secure against detection. 
 
 Unless there be some new discovery made with which the re- 
 ligion can be moved in the lower stor}^ of man to control the 
 animal, the leopard will not change his spots. 
 
 Wharf Rats. 
 
 The lowest wharf rats were men. boys, and girls who as a 
 rule had neither acquaintances nor friends on boats who would 
 walk leisurely from one to another, pick up any small article of 
 value not nailed fast, with a most remarkable pick-pocket like 
 skill and even empty a whole barrel of potatoes unobserved, in a 
 few hours. Now when we place these pett}' thieves, in a high 
 social condition, their polic}' of a good name might be of more 
 worth to them, than the value of the whole boat, but as it is, it 
 is not worth the value of a raw potato. The next order of wharf 
 rats, a little higher in social rank, who robbed steamboats in a 
 respectable way, were boys of the cabin, kitchen and men of the 
 deck crew, out of employment who got in the habit called "rat- 
 ting," to get their bed and board free on boats, and otherwise 
 leading an idle demoralized life as common loafers about the city. 
 With bed and board free nothing more was needed but clothing 
 which being inexpensive, could be obtained by a short period of 
 work on a boat or elsewhere. 
 
 Now the cabin and kitchen crews were in one respect under 
 a disadvantage for standing a little higher on the social ladder 
 than the deck crew, they had to buy better clothing, but other- 
 wise they had an immense advantage in getting a square meal at 
 any time and no trouble in getting a good soft bed in the cabin, 
 while the deck crew "wharf rat," had to come at the meal time 
 of the deck crew, and at night sleep on the soft side of a board. 
 Now the upper crust of the "wharf rat," could walk quietly into 
 
29 
 
 the kitchen or the pantr}^ of any of the many boats at the wharf, 
 meet his old comrades, make his situation known to be sohd with 
 the boys and in case a good talker well posted about New Or- 
 leans, could take the boys just exactly where they wanted to go; 
 so a good square meal of oysters, ham and eggs was in some 
 cases dished up, as one good turn deserv^es another. 
 
 The peculiar language of boatmen has already been men- 
 tioned and while the slang phrases of the kitchen and cabin 
 crews, were rather a little unpolished, that of the deck crew was 
 even more blunt. They saluted each other with — "How are you 
 old boss fly;" and whenever a deck crew "wharf rat" would 
 make his appearance at meal time he would be greeted by, 
 "Hello, old stick in the mud;" and if "Mr. Stick in the mud" 
 happened to be an Irishman he would reply, "You bloody rogue 
 where have you been all this while." and after thus exchanging 
 compliments the "bloody rogue" is invited to rake a bite and as 
 a matter of course at night to have the soft side of a plank. 
 
 All fresh boats from the north as a rule had a number of 
 northern greenhorns with a burning desire to see the sights and 
 as this guest is well posted about cheap theatres, cheap halls, 
 dog fights, cock-pits and waiter girls' saloons he soon gets solid 
 with the northern green-horn, and is treated with a pint of 
 whiskey to settle his meal, for services to be rendered to the new 
 acquaintance. 
 
 The swarm of wharf rats were not the only free boarders on 
 boats ; there were a large number of Spanish and Italian sea-shell 
 and fruit peddlers, who get up to the trick of slipping the cook or 
 cabin boys a few shells or oranges, for so much bread meat and 
 pie was cheaper thus, than to pay cash. 
 
 As a corporation has no soul and the Northern Yankees 
 were considered rich some provision dealers thought no harm was 
 done in bribing the Steward to shut one ej-e on short weights, and 
 
30 
 
 in many cases when the steward was pushed for time in buying 
 under way, he stood an excellent chance of being cheated. 
 
 Aside from sponging some things were downright stealing 
 by the boat's own crew, as in case a boat discharged its crew to 
 lay up, for some of the boys to gobble up a few comforts and 
 blankets for a bed, to be used for deck passage home on another 
 boat, was considered not much out of the way, as steam boats 
 were rich. Now-a-days people generally travel in the cabin 
 which proves that they have more money, but in the olden times 
 the masses of the people traveled on the lower deck and provided 
 for their own meals, quite a number by hook or cook managed 
 to get their meals of the boat, free of charge, or very cheap by a 
 smuggling arrangement with the crooks, a meal for a few fibs and 
 bits. The second or third cook would sometimes find it conven- 
 ient to have a help from a deck passenger, in consideration that 
 he was to get his board, and in case a lot of river boys were trav- 
 eling on deck their meals were smuggled to them, also in some 
 cases, a lot of girls were deck passengers, poor, all alone, and as 
 man either lives to eat or eats to live, they were generally well 
 fed. It was often said that a negro crew did the most pi'fering 
 and down right stealing, that they would steal the whole boat if 
 they could pull it out of the river, and the negroes on the other 
 hand retorted, "Die poah white trash am die biggest thieves, to 
 blame all on die nigger." Taking of edibles was not considered 
 pilfering but to take table-ware was stealing. 
 
 Sometimes some were unfortunate and were caught up, as in 
 the case where a negro cook sent a barrel of soap grease on shore 
 without taking precaution to have strong hoops and as the barrel 
 reached the end of the stage plank, it bursted open rolling out 
 three nice hams, so it needed no further evidence that "die poah 
 white drasli were the biggest thieves." In olden times the 
 women used to wear an article called a bustle, for a fashionable 
 lump on the back and a chambermaid to kill two birds with one 
 
31 
 
 stone, to be in fashion and do herself a small favor, rolled a 
 large bar of soap in a couple of blankets and pinned it under- 
 neath her dress for a bustle. By an over-sight it was not prop- 
 erly pinned fast, and as she walked out in the cabin, down came 
 the arrangement putting the poor woman in a very awkward pre- 
 dicament for an explanation about this new article of manufac- 
 ture. There was another class of men who got their meals free 
 on boats, which in time almost grew into a right, as a matter of 
 course, boats were supplied by quite a number of different kinds 
 of provision houses, such as boat stores, meat shops, bakeries and 
 vegetable dealers, each having a number of employees as deliv- 
 ery men, who as a rule ate their meals in the kitchen as a cus- 
 tomary right, and the soap grease men who bought what was 
 called the "slush," caught onto the idea, "that a slice from a 
 cut loaf is not missed," to get their meals from the cook. There 
 was another class of spongers; very respectable b}^ the way, who 
 were merely accidental in-droppers on boats just about meal 
 times, who had to be invited by the clerk or captain as a policy 
 of politeness, to take a bite, which politeness became such a bill 
 of expense for boats when in port that finally the officers got 
 their meals on the sly, in the pantry or elsewhere. We are not 
 quite through yet, there were lots of other abuses to give boats 
 a little shave. A sweetheart or relative of any of the crew al- 
 ways expected to go free, or at least for half fare and all ser\'ants 
 of the Ivord demanded this rule almost as a matter of right and 
 this most shameful abuse on railroads, street cars of free passes 
 for the stockholders to foot the bill, was extensively in use on 
 boats, and for a prominent shipper to travel free with his whole 
 family. 
 
 A few more abuses which had almost slipped the writer's 
 memory is worth mentioning. In case some of the cooks or 
 cabin crew and even an officer had a sweetheart; a real nice pound 
 cake would please her so much, so the pastry cook got the wink. 
 
32 
 
 and he being a clever "fellow" would make the cake at the ex- 
 pense of the owners of the boat. And here, b}'- the way, some 
 of the cooks who had families caught on to a clever trick to get 
 cheap coifee bj'- grinding it very coarse and not scalding it suffi- 
 ciently to get all the strength, the grounds when dried would still 
 rfiake excellent coffee. Aside from stealing, pilfering, and spong- 
 ing one of the greatest abuses was the enormous waste of eata- 
 bles, and the abuse of the bedding — the breaking ard chipping of 
 the table wares (including stealing) which had to be renewed 
 from time to time. Human nature was cutting straps out of 
 other people's leather, so under this rule, the cooks instead of 
 saving the fat from the meat to render it for the boat, made an 
 honest penny by selling it for soap gi'ease for the cook. 
 
 The deck crew at their meals, would throw what was left 
 overboard to guard against it being warmed again, and the cooks 
 were not very sensitive about these matters as for example — 
 large boats had a wash room in the rear of the kitchen with a 
 hole in the corner called the "slush" hole, and the third cook, 
 under the instructions of the cook , saved all worth saving for the 
 deck crew, but behind the cook's back, the dish washer found it 
 more convenient to fling panfull after panfull down the slush 
 hole, eatables good enough for a king. The kitchen and cabin 
 crews were not the only ones guilty of such waste, but the oiiQ- 
 cers were no better, the engineers and mates in using soap for 
 cleansing purposes used more than double the amount iiecessar)% 
 as though the boat got it for nothing. 
 
 The question may be asked, if boats were put through such 
 an ordeal how could they stand the strain ? The explanation is, 
 that there was no half way business for boats, they must either 
 earn a barrel full of money or else go under the Sheriff's ham- 
 mer. There was a material difference, however between common 
 cheap boats with a small crew, where the owners could watch the 
 ins and outs, and large stylish boats with a large crew, on which 
 
33 
 
 it was up hill business to watch the robbery, and which very 
 often bankrupted the owners, this being the case in the early fif- 
 ties, millions being lost in stylish boats. 
 
 The Other Side of the Question. 
 
 Boat owners being robbed, swindled, pilfered, and sponged 
 as a matter of self preservation had to take every precaution to 
 keep their heads above water, and it must be taken for granted 
 that they being human nature would in some cases take advan- 
 tage of each other and of the public. In case of accident, dis- 
 abling the boat under way, the time being short; and the crew 
 taking passage for home on another boat, the clerk in case he 
 made a mistake for his own benefit in after j^ears would never 
 know the difference ; as a rule the Germans could calculate and 
 demand their full pay. 
 
 The remark was often made that some clerks got rich very 
 fast, which was an easy matter when in some cases the captains 
 could scarcely read or write their own names, and the balance of 
 the owners were in the same fix. The owners of the boats were 
 no exceptions to the general rule, willing to cut straps out of 
 other people's leather and demanding better comforts, being part 
 owner. The captain in some cases was no exception, and the 
 stew^ard had full license to favor his family with some real nice 
 dainties, even down to a few nice hams. 
 
 1 There is one thing which to be readily understood, needs a 
 little explanation, that river men were a set of liars, never telling 
 the truth unless by mistake, and the entire crew would lie for the 
 boat. 
 
 In olden times there were regular packet boats, which had 
 regular schedule time for certain points and these were reasona- 
 bly certain and also the time to reach certain points, these were 
 reasonably certain, but there were at least ten transit boats to one 
 packet, which had no regular time. These boats would lay in 
 
34 
 
 port from three to four daj's to gather up a trip and in order to 
 draw on the passengers, would raise steam put the engines in 
 slow motion pretending that they would soon be ready to start, 
 and as a matter of course, when the question was asked the 
 clerk, captain or even the boot-black, how soon the boat would 
 start, the answer was, "in a few hours." 
 
 The people in course of time caught on to the trick, not to 
 take passage, until a boat was actually ready to start, so a cer- 
 tain captain, about the middle of the fifties, at St. Louis, pulled 
 in the stage plank and backed out in the river, which caused a 
 general rush of passengers to leap on the boat and after they had 
 paid their passage the boat came back to the wharf and remained 
 from Saturday until Monday evening. Aside from this business 
 lie, which is a common article in all trades, boat men were just as 
 truthful as other people. 
 
 Boatmen were not all alike in honest and fair dealing. Some 
 were not governed by the principle, that two wrongs did not jus- 
 tify one wrong, but allowed themselves to be controlled by the 
 sayings, "Turn about is fair plaj^" and "If we are robbed, we 
 must rob others. ' ' 
 
 The greatest wrong was done by some boats, in taking ad- 
 vantage of German Immigrants, with a loop hole in the contract, 
 to be carried at so much per head and after the boat got under 
 way, the clerk would weigh all their house-hold goods (except- 
 ing a man's wife and children) to set his own price per hundred 
 weight with threats to pay up or be landed on the shore, and so 
 the Germans in a strange countrj^, unfamiliar with the language 
 and without friends submitting to the extortion, had to reach 
 down for their few last silver dollars. 
 
 Boats would also take advantage in case they ran on ground 
 under wa}' and remained fast. This necessitated the reshipping 
 of the passengers when only a little of the money would be re- 
 
35 
 
 funded to them and they had to make the best of it on another 
 boat. 
 
 In such cases an old fashioned steamboat captain would gen- 
 erally fix matters without any legal blarney — in case of a pinch, 
 with his fist, law or no law. The writer remembers one instance 
 where a prominent lawyer who had insisted upon his legal rights, 
 left the boat with a black eye; but as a wiser man, not to run 
 against the grain of an old fashioned steam boat captain in the 
 future. 
 
 In a few more concluding remarks the writer will say, that 
 river men were human nature, no better and no worse than any 
 other people and being robbed themselves, felt justified in taking 
 every advantage to keep their heads above water and it must be 
 distinctly understood that steamboating at present is entirely 
 different than in olden times; everything is more civilized, polite, 
 and conducted on a better business principle. The question ma}'' 
 be here asked, if the writer is so well posted, how about his own 
 long fingers, to take advantages? 
 
 In reply he would say that the Germans in America now a 
 days have become pickled in a new brine, but in olden times on 
 steam boats with rare exceptions, they were called "stupidly 
 honest." 
 
 Many Different Trades and Callings on the Western 
 
 Rivers. 
 There were a great variety of callings on the western rivers, 
 such as steam boats, rafts, float-boats, many different kinds of 
 trading boats, floating theatres, circuses, etc. As it is a well 
 known fact that in all new settlements, the rum seller and the 
 Colporter are always found to be among the first comers, to sup- 
 ply a demand on the one hand for strong drink and on the other 
 a demand for spiritual consolation for debauched, drunken char- 
 acters. 
 
3G 
 
 It is also a well known fact that villages and towns are far 
 more religious than cities, because the resorts for worldly pleas- 
 ures can not be concealed like in cities, and are wiped out by the 
 religious people; and although man's desire was held under re- 
 straint, human nature remained the same because man's religion 
 is generally only located in the upper story as a rule above the 
 belt. 
 
 This concealed smothered up human nature, like a horse tied 
 to a post, pawing and champing the bit under restraint, created 
 a demand for a little free elbow room, where both single and mar- 
 ried men could have a little moral pastime, and wherever there is 
 a demand it will always be supplied for money. So in order 
 to supply this demand in Christian civilization, a certain class of 
 men and women took the hint to turn over an honest penny in 
 the construction of a peculiar kind of boat. Now it does not 
 matter what we may call these boats but since all things have a 
 name, let us call them pleasure boats, which were built strictly 
 on business principles, for the public accommodation, with differ- 
 ent compartments to make the arrangements convenient and 
 practicable. 
 
 A fine bar-room, a smooth dancing floor, a dining room, state 
 room and a kitchen, with a number of women each assigned to 
 the proper position, the most handsome and young as waiter girls 
 for the bar-room and for the dancing floor, the next best for the 
 restaurant and lastly the most old and second-handed for the 
 kitchen with the understanding, however, that they must all give 
 each other a helping hand in case of a pinch, such as making up 
 a set in a dance, when the pretty girls would fall short. 
 
 These boats were without steam power, pushed against 
 the stream with poles; on the same principle as the olden time 
 keel-boats were mostly seen on the upper Mississippi and the Ill- 
 inois Rivers, where there was a low current. 
 
 Now to be rightly understood, in olden times as a matter of 
 
convenience, on account of traveling, the county seats were in 
 many cases located near the rivers and in fact, most political 
 conventions, most pubUc gatherings, and the great religious re- 
 vivals were held in river towns. 
 
 Whenever courts were in session or any other public gath- 
 ering whether worldly or religious, these boats would be first to 
 throw their anchor to be on hand for business and even in cases 
 where courts were twelve miles back from the river, the accom- 
 modation for wine, liquors, beer and otherwise luxuries of the 
 restaurant with other amusements, such as a game of cards and 
 above all a dance with the pretty waiter girls were a temptation 
 beyond resistance with a certain class of men under the thumb- 
 screw of religious restraint. Some men would sneak off in the 
 evening to make the round trip and be back in time next day to 
 attend to their duty as witness, jurors, etc. to mete out justice, 
 to uphold morality, for the good of the public; an excellent ex- 
 ample of how man will preach a doctrine which he will not 
 practice himself. 
 
 These boats on the outer surface showed nothing immoral 
 and to get direct evidence against them was uphill business they 
 being sustained by men of means, who would remain mum under 
 the principle, that no man is bound to criminate himself. The 
 girls on these boats were open to religious convictions under the 
 exhortation of the crusaders would readily thump down on their 
 knees, to drop a few salt tears in prayer, attend divine service 
 and .some, in case of a pinch to go on the mourner's bench to do 
 penance, after which they would go back on the boat to attend 
 to their duty as waiter girls, to deal out liquors and glide over the 
 dancing floor. These floating institutions have been superseded 
 by the increa.se of large western cities which give every accom- 
 modation for pleasure and the facility in railroad travel in a few 
 hours to reach the great central markets of these resorts, where 
 one under a high pressure of steam can without let or hindrance 
 
lift the safety valve to ease up. Now from a socialogical stand- 
 point, it will be seen that America has fallen in the footprints of 
 older nations who found it impossible to curb man in some of his 
 actions. All experiments have failed in England when the par- 
 liament in 1650 punished certain indulgences of man within death 
 which were so cried down by public opinion as a measure of hy- 
 pocrisy as to make the law a dead letter; so the question was 
 handed over to the temporal courts who to dodge the unpleasant- 
 ness consigned the elephant over to the spiritual courts, who to 
 make the best out of a bad bargain, found it best to handle him 
 "with a great degree of tenderness and lenity," in view of being 
 a very stubborn animal. 
 
 The final outcome has been, in England, that certain acts of 
 man were held to be beyond the control of all human agency, 
 and are no more an indictable offense, if not "open and 
 notorious," to set a public bad example, as explained by Black- 
 stone. The old time wise acres of Pennsylvania undertook to 
 make a clean sweep of certain indulgences of man by giving him 
 "twenty-one lashes on the bare back well laid on," and in case 
 one would persist in his evil ways would be fixed off with seven 
 years' imprisonment, with the letter "A" branded on his 
 forehead. 
 
 The law proved to be a dead letter, as in England, and the 
 proper explanation seems, b)' the remark of Don Quixote, who 
 upon one occasion when presented with temptation, held that he 
 was in danger, that he was not made of marble, and in one of his 
 wise sayings said that proverbs were of the greatest wisdom be- 
 cause thej^ were founded on true facts. 
 
 Now, to elect a man for mayor of a city or to appoint one as 
 police officer does not change his flesh and blood into marble. 
 As tlie German proverb goes, "A goat will not make a trust- 
 worthy gardener," and the English saying, "It is impos.sible to 
 
(yKt.Pi-r rs-Ff^' 
 
 PITTSBURG AND CINCINNATI PACKET LINE. 
 
39 
 
 trust cream in the whiskers of a torn cat," explains the whole 
 business. 
 
 The suggestion has been made that women would make the 
 best police force to uphold good morals. But the trouble in this 
 case would be that in the course of time there would be too many 
 black sheep in the disguise of white wool, to monopolize the 
 moral question. 
 
 A Boat ox the Lower Mississippi Taking on Freight. 
 
 To those who have never seen this American Giant of 
 Waters, it may be interesting to know something about it. 
 
 So far as the mere looks and appearance of the water is con- 
 cerned it is not hard to explain, for all one has to do is to mix 
 water with a sufficient quantity of sand\' bronish-yellow clay, to 
 get the exact color. Otherwise, however, owing to the limited 
 use of man's language, it is rather difficult for one mind to con- 
 vey a correct idea of a thing to another. When nature brought 
 this river into existence it left out the word beauty and forgot 
 man' s comfort and safety. Old Dame Nature mapped out a river 
 of from three to four miles wide, with a very swift current, foam- 
 ing, lashing its way among hundreds of snags poking their heads 
 out of the water like pointed battering rams, and in some places 
 near the shore, where the banks have caved in by the rushing 
 currents, acres of trees tossed up, jumbled up, lying topsy-turvy 
 with their gnarled up roots, weather beaten trunks and scraggy 
 limbs, to remind one of cyclone watery grave yards. This river 
 is constantly changing its bed, by undermining its banks on the 
 one side and depositing them on the other. The banks, which 
 are worn off by the swift current, are perpendicular from six to 
 twelve feet high, so in case of the wreck of a boat an expert 
 swinuucr will find no comfort to reach the shore; but his only 
 chance to save his life is to climb some snag or limb. 
 
 While nature has been so cold hearted and indifferent about 
 
40 
 
 this river on the one hand she has somewhat made good her 
 short comings on the other by endowing man with reason to a 
 limited extent, so by his skill he has overcome the wild dance of 
 this river and has made it a great source of commerce. Thus it 
 is in an evening hour, our description begins of a steam boat lay- 
 ing at the shore among the old weather beaten snags, the scraggy 
 limbs and the twisted up roots of the cotton woods, in their 
 water)' bed. The sun, which has vShown no impartiality to greet 
 this unsightly, jumbled up, topsy-turvy confusion, in obedience 
 to the dial hand of time, has moved beneath the western horizon 
 with its last gleams of good night, leaving the waters in a solemn 
 silent gloom, with no relief but of the dull moping of the owl and 
 the rushing, mad current through the trunks of trees and limbs. 
 
 The old fashioned chandelier in the cabin, the dull, smoky 
 oil lamp on the lower deck and the glowing coal of the steam 
 boilers cast a dull glare of light, with sorabrous shadows, upon 
 the twirling, foaming currents. 
 
 All nature is wrapped in a dark silence, yet there is life on 
 this boat. The paddle wheel next to the open water is slowly in 
 motion, the leaking joints of the engines and steam-pipes are 
 sissing and hissing from the hot steam. 
 
 One can hear the brusque commanding voice of the mate, the 
 careless animal "hoss" laugh of the rough roustabout, the moan- 
 ing mutterings of some laborer under his burden, and the sweet 
 soothing song from the ladies' cabin. 
 
 Every thing life, bustle, stir, motion, with the heavy thumps 
 of cow leather boots, the light steps of the gentlemen and with 
 the merry songs of the ladies' cabin, spiced up with the sore 
 mutterings on deck in profane oaths and swearing. 
 
 Thus we have a bee-hive of bipeds, which may range from 
 one hundred to upwards of two hundred, and as a matter of 
 course, its due share of rats. 
 
 Having given a picture of our boat as near as the stiffness of 
 
41 
 
 the English language will allow, let us canvass next the true 
 reality of life on the western rivers, and as the saying goes, 
 "System and order are heaven's first laws," let us do so with a 
 system. 
 
 Here we open the door of a small compartment called a 
 "Texas," built for the crew, and as we enter find the pilot and 
 engineer off from watch on split bottom chairs turned at an angle 
 of forty degrees against the bulk-heads, spitting their tobacco 
 juice against the stove and talking about the dangerous night to 
 run the boat. Here we also find the owl-like watchman, in a 
 hea\'3' gum overcoat reaching to his heels, to protect him against 
 pelting rains and chilly damp mists, fixing up his night lantern, 
 for he has twelve long hours till morning on watch. With one 
 brief storj- here let us walk back to the stern of the boat, down a 
 pair of narrow steps and we soon find ourselves in a compartment 
 in the rear of the ladies' cabin, built exclusively for the chamber- 
 maid, to do the washing for the boat, which answers for her 
 bedroom, etc. 
 
 Here we are now in the presence of a true specimen of the 
 African negro always called "nigger" on a steam boat. With a 
 flat nose, large massive jaws, strong canine teeth and protruding 
 lips, like two rolls of a breakfast sausage, a good subject for the 
 Darwinian theory, that man is merely an improved monkey. 
 
 We also find the negro porter here, who under some pretext, 
 to do an errand, manages to stay awhile for a little pleasant chat, 
 and her ladyship, judging from her animal guttural laugh deep 
 from the heart, does not seem to be annoyed by his pleasant chat 
 and smiles. Whether this is to be a love match does not concern 
 us; let the soft downy wings of Cupid flutter around their hearts, 
 to their soul's delight, and let them alone. Now let us open a 
 door which leads into the ladies' cabin, and here the first thing 
 we know we are right in the midst of what the chamber maids 
 and the cabin boys call the "upper crust" people. 
 
42 
 
 A Variety of Characters. 
 
 Yes, let us say that we have about fifty of these "upper 
 crust' ' people, which gives us a little miniature world of different 
 nationalities, with every variety of shade of character, in point 
 of wealth, ignorance, education, religion, infidelity, politics, good 
 and bad morals. As the old saying goes, "All is not gold that 
 glitters," and "An empty barrel has the loudest sound." As a 
 general rule, those who have least at home, talk the loudest, 
 want to be noticed and find the most fault with the accommoda- 
 tions of the boat, while those who have most say the least. Yes, 
 here we have every variety of character, killing time all to their 
 fancy. Some of the ladies drumming on the so-called piano, 
 others reading novels, some doing needle work, playing euchre, 
 and even strange to say, some of the young ladies are rolling a 
 lovely eye, with sweet love glances, at j^oung men who through 
 their silent dignified demeanor are supposed to be rich. 
 
 The men are killing time the best way they know how. One 
 may be seen pacing the cabin with his hands folded on his back, 
 in deep meditation; another on a chair with his legs in an angle 
 of forty-five degrees, while elsewhere some may be seen in groups 
 on easy chairs, having an entertaining chat on Christianit)' — 
 what great things the Christian religion has done for mankind; 
 how Christians have surpassed all others in science and arts. 
 
 Not far off there sits another set of men whose views are 
 exactly in the opposite direction — that since the birth of Christ a 
 large per cent, of the human family became stupefied and that 
 Europeans advanced in' science and arts in spite of Christianity 
 (although this was long before Darwin's book was published); 
 some held that man was only an improved monkey. In another 
 location there is a group of free traders applauding Calhoun sky 
 high for his doctrine of free trade and near by we have a set who 
 worship the name of Henry Clay, the champion of tariff pro- 
 tection. And at the forward part of the cabin, called the hall, 
 
L 
 
-in 
 
 we see a number of men around the gambling tables with their 
 red noses and blurred eyes, who are unconscious of all surround- 
 ings but to win each other's money — "I go j'^ou fifty dollars 
 better." As already remarked the boat has every variety, shade 
 of characters of the passengers, and as the old saying goes, 
 "Every man has his sign up," so that a careful observer can de- 
 tect each one's calling; can tell a worldly man from a Christian 
 and can even point out a Catholic from a Protestant by reason of 
 the inner feeling which shapes the face. The consciousness of a 
 Catholic priest that he is a man of great learning and authority 
 gives him firm, compressed lips, while some religious sects keep 
 themselves in a state of humilation, causing a doleful expression 
 and a drop of the lower jaw to become long faced with a kind 
 of second nature. 
 
 Religious Service and Gambling. 
 
 Here we have a character pacing the cabin in a solemn, dole- 
 ful manner, with a smoothly woven pigeon tail coat, with two 
 large brass buttons on the back, a white neck tie, to fill the bill 
 of our description as to his religion. All of a sudden he stops at 
 the ladies' cabin without the least hesitation, whether it would be 
 agreeable or disagreeable to others, without any blarney about 
 the matter, introduced himself as the Reverend of such a town 
 and begins forthwith to expound the truths of the H0I3' Bible, 
 the beauty of the Christian religion; how much it had done to 
 civilize man, eventually to make all nations one loving Christian 
 brotherhood, and above all the great danger all the sinners on 
 the boat were in, in case of a wreck, to lose their souls, etc. Any- 
 thing to kill time, the Reverend soon has a crowd, and as a 
 matter of course the ladies give strict attention, and as woman is 
 the main prop to uphold religion the negro chambermaid pokes 
 her black head through the door to take it all in. She has just 
 had a real pleasant chat with the porter, and now she feels 
 
44 
 
 spiritually good. She is a firm believer in the goodness of "Ligion," 
 and ' 'she am goin to heaven wid die white folks, where there am 
 no niggers and all eat on die fust table." 
 
 As a matter of course since Christianity has done .so much to 
 civilize man in the world and save his soul for the other, the 
 hat is passed around for a collection to convert the heathen, and 
 meets the hearty approval of the majority, especially the women, 
 who contributed their Fibs and Bits, the chambermaid being no 
 exception; such a nice thing "if die colored folks in Africa war 
 made loving Christians," to reach down for her "Foh' pence." 
 
 The idea of converting the heathens was met with ridicule 
 by some and their points of argument were fully the same as the 
 modern doctrines of socialogy and evolution. It was held that a 
 man's belief was strictly in accordance with a natural law — the 
 brain becoming molded in young, tender years, grow rigid and 
 unyielding with age, so that to change the mind is very difficult, 
 as after the potter had molded the pot, and burnt it hard by age, 
 a change was too late, and the slow progress of Christianity in 
 heathen lands was held sufficient proof. 
 
 Thus after the Reverend has scared all the women into fits, 
 the danger of losing their souls in case the boat would strike a 
 snag, and some of the men thoughtfully scratching their heads, 
 he proposes a prayer and down he goes on his knees, the women 
 all kneel and some men follow suit. Most men, however, skip 
 out of the way with a low muttering, what an old humbug, and 
 a German skeptic is not backward in expressing his private 
 opinion publicly, "Des ish one big rich kundrybut mit religion, 
 it ish noding but one big humbug there ish all de time brayer 
 und brayer." 
 
 After the prayer a song naturally follows to end up the re- 
 ligious .services on a steam boat. 
 
 So far as the gamblers are concerned, who are still gambling 
 at the front of the boat, while others shiging and praying at the 
 
rear, they are complete!}- lost in their game, and whether man 
 has a soul or is only an improved monkey does not concern them 
 
 in the least. All one can hear is an oath now and then, "D 
 
 the nigger luck." They will sometimes play on one stretch for 
 thirty hours without any intermission. They have a kind of 
 moral law among themselves, that it is considered low for one to 
 withdraw from the table after having a good haul and as a matter 
 of principle is sometimes required to make a loan to another to 
 give him another chance. 
 
 It seems that man is a natural born gambler in some shape, 
 for all nations gamble. The Chinaman seems to beat the 
 American gambler all hollow, as mentioned by writers, when 
 short of money will wager an inch of his finger, which he dips in 
 boiling oil to stop the bleeding. 
 
 And strange to say the ancient Germans by far surpassed the 
 Chinaman, by betting their own person to serve another as a 
 slave for their whole life time, according to the historian Rottick 
 and Blackstone. 
 
 Gambling on the Western rivers in olden times was a general 
 custom and only in latter years forbidden by the rules of the 
 boat. Signs were tacked up, "Games for money strictly for- 
 bidden," which had some little effect in the North, but in the 
 South a notice of this kind was one thing, and human nature en- 
 tirely a different thing, rendering the rules of the boat null and 
 void. As late as the year 1855 one might have seen from four to 
 six gambling tables stretched out in the main cabin in full blast 
 for money. The reason boats went one eye blind on this busi- 
 ness was because the professional gamblers were quite a percent- 
 age of the passengers, verj' liberal in paying for the best rooms, 
 tipping the cabin boys and good liberal customers at the bar; they, 
 in connection with the non-professionals, in some cases very rich 
 planters, who in a pinch would bet an eight hundred dollar 
 nigger, were the majority of the passengers whose will made law. 
 
4G 
 
 Having touched up a few little matters before we go on the 
 lower deck to take in the sights, let us not forget the cabin crew. 
 
 In olden times the cabin crew were both white and negro 
 boys, and in some cases a negro steward with a white crew. 
 Some negro stewards would go back on their own race, proud to 
 command white boys, and the poor whites had to make a virtue 
 of necessity to work under a nigger. 
 
 Odd Custom at Meals. 
 
 In these old Democratic times, when the bell would ring at 
 meal times, the passengers would make a rush for the table to see 
 who could get there first to lay hold with both hands, to get the 
 first pick, and a certain class called, on boats, gray-backs; on 
 land, hay seeds, would sit at the table without a coat and the 
 cabin boys would wait on the table with their shirt sleeves rolled 
 up, exposing their arms. 
 
 It is strange how the customs of a nation will undergo a 
 change, even to the eatables on the table. In those times a 
 whole roasted pig was considered one of the leading dishes on the 
 table of a steam boat, now turkey takes its place. On stylish 
 boats Claret wine was used in place of coffee at dinner and it was 
 a general custom with the better classes to take a drink of rum 
 before eating as an appetizer. 
 
 There is one thing curious to note the habit of the American 
 people in holding their fork in their left hand in olden times, 
 which had only been in use a comparatively short time. 
 
 The customs of the tables of those times has undergone an 
 entire change; the gray-backs and hay seeds and the cabin boys 
 must now wear coats at meal times and otherwise the table is 
 conducted in what is known as the restaurant stj'le, at least on 
 good boats, an European custom. In speaking of how things 
 have changed presents to a thinking man a fit subject for a little 
 
47 
 
 sober reflection how a young nation in the course of time will 
 follow in the foot prints of older ones. 
 
 It is contended by some that we are becoming more Demo- 
 cratic in our form of government, and they draw their conclusion 
 from the numerous laws which are made every year to please the 
 clamors of a certain class of people. Let this be as it may, po- 
 litically as a state measure of the different political parties to get 
 the people's vote, but otherwise it can not be denied that the 
 manners, wa^'s and customs of American people have become 
 completely Europeanized in their mode of life, in private fam- 
 ilies, hotels and steam boats. The river men would laugh to see 
 the Germans (called Dutch in those days) , exchange the fork to 
 the right hand after they had cut the meat, as being a stupid 
 Dutch custom, but have finally overcome their prejudices because 
 it is fashionable. 
 
 EUROPEANIZATION OF THE TJPPER LiP. 
 
 One fact is noteworthy; that in the years of the forties the 
 moustaches of foreigners were a subject of ridicule by the river 
 men, who called them "Dutch Lager Beer Strainers," which of 
 late years have taken a hold with the classes, and even some of 
 the clerg}- now sport this ornamental appendage. 
 
 Cabin Boys and Religion. 
 
 As mentioned before let us not forget the cabin boys before 
 we go on the lower deck. They are entitled to some respect, for 
 in cases of good, moral, industrious habits, they have become boat 
 owners, captains, and in rare cases even clerksmen of learning. 
 
 They are grouped together in the pantry and some of the 
 most wide-awake are poking their heads out of the door, taking 
 in religion with prayer on the one hand and gambling on the 
 other; and also noting the German skeptic's ideas, that man is 
 only an improved monkey. Now there is no reason why these 
 
48 
 
 boys should not get excited on these matters. While one says 
 that his father was a preacher and that he firmly believes in re- 
 ligion, and that in his opinion any one who would deny the truth 
 of Christianity had a soft spot in his brain; another points him to 
 a customer sitting in the ladies' cabin, a black leg, a gambler, 
 who made his start by selling whiskey, and since he got rich uses 
 religion as a cloak of respectability. He also points to a certain 
 religious lady who married an old, deformed, toothless, bald 
 headed reprobate, with the calf of his leg in front, under pretense 
 of love, exclusively for his money. "There are some of your 
 samples of Christian purity, soft spots on the brain." 
 
 Thus we have arguments pro and con, life on the western 
 rivers, and if the passengers knew some of the remarks of the 
 cabin boys, they would much rather be on another boat. It is 
 often the case, however, that such a man is pointed out as a 
 perfect gentleman, every inch of him a man — the colored people 
 say, "gemmen," and a certain lady such a nice woman; j^es, 
 every inch of her is nice. 
 
 Now, the explanation of the matter is these nice people have 
 given the boys tips, and those who give tips will be sure to get 
 the warmest buckwheat cakes and the nicest fried eggs. 
 
 This tip business is not only a custom, but a customary law 
 in most of the European countries, and is an annoying nuisance 
 to American tourists, who don't know how large the tips must be. 
 
 In England and France every glass of refreshment means a 
 tip and in Gennany this rule of trade is Trink-geld, a treat to 
 the servants at the hotel. This tipping is not a legalized custom 
 in our country, but is cleverly getting there in sleeping cars, in 
 hotels and on steam boats. It is against the rules of boats for a 
 waiter to favor one for a tip at the table, bi:t in spite of it tips 
 will not down, showing how a new Democracy will slip into the 
 track of older nations. 
 
 Good boats now a days have a white steward who is looked 
 
49 
 
 upon as a man of importance; in one sense an officer of the boat 
 with negro waiters at the table, and it is strange to note that the 
 poor downtrodden race has such a great contempt for the poor 
 whites, "Die poah white drash, no tip; and a tip he am a 
 gemmen. ' ' 
 
 Rich and the Poor. The Fashions. 
 
 Now, since we are right in the midst of what now a days 
 would be called aristocrats, but in those days, at least on a steam 
 boat, were only known as the upper crust, it will be beyond 
 question interesting to the reader to have a little more insight 
 into the social conditions west of the Allegheny mountains in 
 these good old times. 
 
 It is nothing uncommon to see an old grandmother shake 
 her head and with a trembling voice say, "Oh my, oh dear me, 
 the people are not what the)^ used to be when I was a girl." 
 Now, in one sense, old "gran mah" is right, so far as the changes 
 of the times are concerned; but otherwise human nature has un- 
 dergone no chauge whatever, aside from a coating of social white 
 wash scarcely skin deep. 
 
 In those times we had wise men and fools, sensible and vain 
 women, and rich and poor. None but the rich could afford to 
 travel in the cabin; with the poor it was entirely out of the 
 question; the men had the advantage of women as deck passen- 
 gers by agreeing "to wood," that is, to help to loaden wood at 
 the wood yards, and thus to have their passage reduced about one- 
 third; but American customs did not permit women to carry 
 wood. Yet the German women, fresh from Europe, were only 
 too glad "to wood," and we have seen them at times clean out a 
 wood yard in a short time, though it was against the rule and 
 disagreeable to the river men, so the poor women had to make 
 the best of it, and pay up and not "wood." All this has 
 changed; boats now burn coal and wherein former years most 
 
50 
 
 people traveled on the deck, and but few in the cabin, now the 
 rule is exactly the reverse. 
 
 The fact that not one out of ten will now-a-daj's travel on 
 the lower deck ought to be a complete answer to the ever lasting 
 harangue of the free silver benefactors, that the rich are getting 
 richer and the poor poorer. As already remarked we had wise 
 and foolish people in those times as a matter of course, and in 
 some cases it was uphill business for a certain class to come up to 
 the fashions. Now, in cases where a lady had been raised up in 
 ease and indolent luxury, she had the inside track, by showing a 
 slender waist, white lily hands and a real fashionable cream color 
 sickly complexion, but right here the trouble came in for a cer- 
 tain class who had been raised as one of God's people to have a 
 natural proportionate body and healthy, rosy cheeks. Now, to 
 get a white complexion for some of these up-starts in wealth was 
 simple enough, to simply wet their faces and blow in a flour 
 barrel; but to get that neat, fashionable, wasp-like waist was 
 where the rub came in at. 
 
 So the women had to make a virtue out of a necessity, to 
 tighten up the unfashionable bulk into smaller dimensions by a 
 process called lacing, in which operation the strong arms of the 
 chambermaid had to help. 
 
 These services were very valuable to the ladies, and still 
 more valuable to the chambermaid to get her tips, for bracing 
 her heels with a pull with all her might, to see the stars fly, and 
 squeezing in the ribs for a neat waist. The reader may say that 
 this is stretching the blanket; that women were not such silly 
 fools about only fifty years ago; but there is no exaggeration 
 about it. A case came under the observation of the writer, where 
 a lady had laced herself so tight that she fainted away as she un- 
 dertook to walk through the cabin, and some of the men who 
 undertook to unloosen her lacing found them so tight that it 
 could not be done quick enough to save her life, so one of the 
 
51 
 
 engineers who happened to be present ripped her laces open with 
 his pocket knife. In this mania to make the appearance of a 
 neat, delicate lady, the Southern lady had the advantage, being 
 raised in careless ease in the nursling arms of slave servants 
 while those from the North had to perform more or less labor, 
 giving them a more healthy, unfashionable shape. 
 
 There were some times extreme cases; women came on board 
 who had made it a point for years to outdo all others in torturing 
 their bodies into a wasp shape to be a good specimen for a 
 museum, and who would, to make an impression as a fashionable, 
 genteel lady, delicately cut the beans in two at the table. 
 
 The reader will beyond question say, that this is an unfair 
 way of canvassing old steam boat society; that these fashionable 
 women were demented, which was not the case, for they could 
 carry on an intelligent conversation with men; and seemed to 
 have love sticking in their heads, and w^ere willing to marry. 
 One thing is rather puzzling to the writer, according to the wise 
 saying of Sancho Panzo, the Esquire of Don Quixote, that the 
 stomach upholds the heart; of what value is wife to man who 
 will quarter up the beans ? 
 
 In justice to those women one thing almost sHpped the 
 writer's memory; the chambermaid used to get a tip for ordering 
 a good stiff lunch and untieing the tight lacing behind the door 
 — to carry out vSancho Panzo' s idea. And strange to say that the 
 ladies in those simple Democratic times were not indifferent to 
 bear a royal title. 
 
 Once in a while either a French Count, of no account, or a 
 German Baron, barren of all substance, would pop up on a steam 
 boat, whose presence would make the women's heads swim with 
 a giddy flight. Honored with royal attention! While there was 
 a material difference between the men and the women in regard 
 to style and fashion there was a certain class of men called dudes 
 no\v-a-days, but by the river men "spindle shanks," who through 
 
.■)2 
 
 their indolent leisure could afford to have the dyspepsia and dress 
 in style. One of their peculiar customs was to have their trouser 
 legs on a stretch with straps around the sole of the boot, and 
 some would even lace up, to be a suitable match and congenial 
 company for the fashionable women; as the saying goes, "Every 
 goose can find a gander." 
 
 As a general rule, however, the wealthy Northern land owner 
 would dress in home-spun and smoke a corn cob pipe, and the 
 rich Southern planter, totally indifferent to style, came on board 
 with his head poked through a slit blanket under a slouch hat, 
 but nevertheless commanded the highest respect as a man who 
 would give tips, and could afford to bet a nigger at the gambling 
 tables. 
 
 People Not What They Used to Be. 
 
 Quotations have already been made from "old gran mah," 
 that the people are not what they used to be. 
 
 From these few hints one can use his own judgment that the 
 people of the present day are exactly what the}' used to be, only 
 the social white wash is different; somewhat improved. These 
 are but a few hints, with considerable left untold, for a steam 
 boat presents a good chance to study human nature, away from 
 home and unknown. 
 
 The writer does not deem it fit to present facts, which would 
 only be music to the soul of old sinners, and so far as the young 
 people are concerned they can become thoroughly posted as to 
 morality of the world by reading the daily papers, where every 
 thing is dished up, over and above board and publich', which was 
 the same in olden times. 
 
 Hard Rubs of Sore Labor. 
 
 We have thus far been considering the rich upper crust 
 people lounging around in the cabin, fighting tiresome time, 
 
53 
 
 twisting and squirming from the effects of rich viands, as though 
 each had a chestnut burr under his seat. Now, let us draw our 
 attention to another class of people, whose condition seems to be 
 exactly opposite. 
 
 The first who runs across our path is a boy about fourteen 
 years old, who is known only by the name of "Dutch," because 
 in those times, like riow-a-days, there was an ill feeling by the 
 laboring classes against foreign labor. 
 
 Steam boats employed the Germans because, as a rule, they 
 were industrious, civil and trustworthy; while the Irish were not 
 considered in the same light, being fickle and quarrelsome, and 
 in case of a pinch would turn on the mate and give him a good 
 thrashing, provided the Irishman proved to be the best man. 
 
 An Irishman was either called Mick or red mouth, and some- 
 times Irish Mick or Red Mouth Pat, for distinction, while with 
 Germans it was either Dutch John or Dutch Fritz. Yet, strange 
 to say, the owners and officers and captains were in some cases 
 German or Irish, or their descendants from the first generation, 
 and yet there was this low brand in everybody's mouth. 
 
 Having explained this brand on foreigners let us return to 
 the boy Dutch, who instead of being a Jack of all trades, was a 
 Jack of all chores, as to scour knives, wash basins, keep up fires, 
 fill up water barrels, and in case of a pinch to help the chamber- 
 maid furnish water for the ladies, csLTry lunch, etc. 
 
 And as the old story goes, like a few million more or less of 
 self made men, he was left an orphan, whose worldly assets were 
 simple enough, to say the least; packed in a little second handed 
 soap box, with two straps on the lid, with no lock, thus render- 
 ing the services of an executor or guardian null and void, and of 
 no effect, as a lawyer would say, "Non est intentus." We find 
 him on the outside of the cabin rather late in the evening, with 
 a dull lantern, scouring old rusty wash basins and filling the 
 water barrel at the wash stand, in a chilly wind, even subject to 
 
.54 
 
 the side drift of splashing rain, blowing into his hands every now 
 and then to warm up his benumbed fingers. Presently the second 
 steward makes his appearance, "Hello, Dutchy, are you not done 
 yet, you lazy Dutch rascal ?" "Oh, my fingers are so cold that 
 I can't hardly hold the rope of the bucket." "Never mind your 
 fingers; hurry up, hurry up, get done and go right back to the 
 chambermaid, and fill up the water barrel for the ladies." 
 
 Now Dutch takes it all in philosophically and only feels dis- 
 appointed to hear a kind word. 
 
 His memory goes back when he hoed corn on a farm for fifty 
 cents a week, with pay in trust; where he at least got six dollars 
 a month and lots of good things to eat, and although rather 
 rough on the Dutch he remembers that there are others in the 
 harness; the rest of the cabin boys are all in it and the Dutch, 
 Irish and Nigger deck hands are all drenched to the skin work- 
 ing in the rain. In pondering the matter over in his mind he 
 already raised up one stepping stone, at least so far as dollars and 
 cents are concerned, with plenty of sweet cakes and pie. 
 
 Socially he has no cause for complaint, because he circulates 
 freely among the upper crust people, and has privileges in the 
 ladies' cabin which the captain himself can not expect. He has 
 to bring the ladies lunch and, if possible, on the sly, not that it 
 is against the rules of the boat, but because those who cut beans 
 in two at the table would rather eat their lunch in their own 
 private rooms, to carry out the philosophy of Squire Sancho, that 
 a full stomach upholds the heart. A young Dutch boy, the more 
 young the more innocent, just in his calfish years, the ladies can 
 risk one eye blind on him, and as a matter of course he gets his 
 tips. 
 
 The}' caH him a real good boy, and if it be true, as Charles 
 Dickens intimates, that when the royal ladies in England step 
 out of their carriages, they sometimes lean rather heavily on the 
 shoulders of the footmen, it would be nothing strange if the 
 
55 
 
 ladies of the new Democracy should give this boy a gentle tap on 
 his cheek and even pinch his arm. 
 
 All jokes are free at harvest time; let us leave the Dutch 
 boy, whose blushing modest)^ is only an innocent fun for the 
 ladies, and take in the sights on the lower deck. 
 
 Sights on the Lower Deck. 
 
 We go down stairs and start for the rear of the boat, called 
 the aft, soon to reach the engine rooms in the rear of the steam 
 boilers, and the first thing we notice is a peculiar odor from the 
 pitched joints of the deck, flavored more or less with the rancid 
 grease from the hot engines, and with tobacco juice with which 
 the machinery has been baptized. Anything but inviting! We 
 find our heads enveloped in a fog arising from the condensed 
 steam from the leaky joints of the engines and steam pipes, and 
 our feet are on a smeary dirty deck, so. that every step seemed a 
 pull from the clammy floor. On the side of the engine, on a 
 platform, sits an old fashioned engineer, who is on watch, uncon- 
 cerned, in good spirits, humming a low song to himself, "Jim 
 Crack Corn and I Don't Care," with a renewal of the brown 
 juice every now and then for the engine. And by the way we 
 are on a new improved double engine boat, while the old style 
 only had one engine in the middle to turn both paddlewheels, 
 coupled to a large fly wheel, reaching to the bottom of the hull 
 and up through the upper cabin, where it was boxed over. 
 
 This new arrangement gives more room in the middle of the 
 boat, which we find in our case piled up with freight, leaving 
 only a narrow passage on each side to go aft; and after feeling 
 our way cautiously we reach the stern in an open, comfortless 
 place, appointed for deck passengers. 
 
 All bleak and bare, no stool, no table, no utensil of any kind, 
 aside from a few dim lanterns, a long sheet iron stove and bunks 
 on the side, which reminds one of a horse stable. 
 
As many different shades of characters of the cabin 
 passengers have already been described, here is a chip of the old 
 block, to render detail explanation unnecessary. 
 
 A mixture of races, Germans, Italians, Irish, Americans and 
 Negroes, etc. Here we can see how all conditions of man are in 
 a measure balanced up; the anxiety and the mental torment of 
 the rich finds its compensation in the full security of these people 
 not in the slightest danger of being robbed, with no testament 
 necessary for an executor. Their personal danger is the only 
 question, for the Italian has his stiletto in his belt, the American 
 a pistol in his pocket, the negro his razor, and the German is 
 wide awake to use any thing. The boat provides these people 
 with a stove, where one and all can cook their meals in the latest 
 style and call the old fashioned supper, dinner, like the upper 
 crust people. 
 
 Every privilege is fully granted; the German can fr\' his 
 sausages, the Italian cook his macaroni, the American bake his 
 corn cakes, and the colored man can fix up his sweet meats to 
 suit his taste; all without let or hindrance. These people seem 
 to be impressed with the idea that there is nothing like simplicity 
 and labor saving, to dispense with all this flummery of cooking, 
 and to carry out Goldsmith's philosophy, "Man needs but little 
 here below, nor needs that little long." As a rule bologna 
 sausages, dried herring, water crackers, cheese and a bottle of 
 whiskey constituted the bill of fare, and as it has been remarked 
 every condition in life has its compensation, the kitchen of the 
 boat being located on the lower deck they have the full benefit 
 to enjoy its rich fumes free of all charge. 
 
 While this class must content themselves by merely looking 
 in the kitchen with a perfumed scent, they have the consolation 
 in a sanitar}-- view, that they are not troubled with indigestion 
 or the night mare. As a French anarchist has put the question, 
 
57 
 
 "One part of the people are vSiiffering from indigestion, and an- 
 other for having nothing to digest." 
 
 This mottled crowd is whiling away its time the best it knows 
 how, sitting around on boxes, boards, on planks and whatever 
 may suit the purpose. One may be seen sitting near the stove, 
 bending forward with both elbows supported on his knees, with 
 his face buried in his hands, with a bottle of whiskey in his 
 pocket, squirting mouthful after mouthful of tobacco j nice on the 
 hot stove to enjoy the fun of hearing it steam and siss, as much 
 as to say, that according to modern doctrine man is only an 
 animal after all; why not take matters as they are. Near by sits 
 another more religiousl}- inclined, with the corner of a Bible 
 sticking out of his pocket, worthy of general confidence; and in 
 another place is one reading his prayer book, by the light of an 
 old, rusty, dull lantern, sitting astride of a whiskey barrel, to say 
 the least a moral support. 
 
 Some are having a game of euchre and some rake in the cash, 
 w'ith the good old fashioned poker; wild cat money, in which 
 there can be no loss, because the chances are that the bank has 
 "busted." 
 
 And by the way we have a colored man in our crowd, and 
 how strange that the more poor and down trodden a people are, 
 the more the}' will be merry and play and sing. Our colored 
 friend, to raise the drooping soul, begins to saw away on an old 
 cracked fiddle, putting life in the crowd, until finally they have 
 a regular stag hoe down or an old Virginia reel. 
 
 As music and dancing makes man liberal, the suggestion is 
 made to have a little refreshments, so all throw in to buy a quart 
 of whiskey at the bar, which was only twelve cents per gallon 
 then. It is needless to say that the whiskey had its due effect, 
 putting life into the dance, with the privilege for one and all to 
 tire themselves out, and take to his bunk. 
 
58 
 Poor Accommodations for the Poor. 
 
 It may be interesting for some to know that this compart- 
 ment in the rear of the boat occupied by deck passengers was, in 
 early days, really the main cabin, as a matter of course arranged 
 with more comforts suited to a class able to pay for the same. 
 
 The bunks for deck passengers are without bedding and 
 have rather a narrow space between them, sufficiently wide to 
 admit a laboring man to creep in and make the best of it; but 
 when used for the so called better classes they had bedding and 
 curtains in front and the space was considerable wider, to admit 
 a bloated bond holder, a rich banker, or a well fed Reverend who 
 needed more space. 
 
 According to the modern doctrine of evolution all things are 
 made to fit the true condition of things. Having drawn a picture 
 of the cold, chilly lot of a deck passenger in those times, let it be 
 remembered that many would have thanked their stars if they 
 had only had the means to raise the cash for such accommoda- 
 tions. Women would walk from thirty to forty miles, and men 
 from two to three hundred, not because the>' were poor; they 
 owned rich and productive farms, but because the country was 
 full of cheap foreign manufactures the merchant was starv^ed out 
 and the farmer had no home market to realize the cash. 
 
 The people failed to take the advice of Alexander Hamilton 
 and were stupid enough to defeat Henry Clay in 1844, and suf' 
 fered the consequences. The prosperitj^ of the mechanic, of the 
 farmer and of the steam boat go hand in hand. 
 
 When the mechanic is starved he must go on a farm; when 
 the farmer has no home market he can not ship or travel on a 
 boat; and when a boat has no freight or passengers it must go 
 under the sheriff's hammer. The class who defeated Henry Clay 
 in '44 is not dead yet; so late as '96, in the count)' of Monroe, 
 Ohio, it gave a big majority of votes against McKinley. 
 
59 
 
 The foregoing facts are mentioned because the progress and 
 prosperity of steam boats are strictly dependant upon the good or 
 bad times, as a shoe will not fit some people, who believe in free 
 trade, but will pinch their corns. 
 
 A Hard Life as a Cook, 
 
 Having made these few economic remarks because they fit so 
 nicely let us leave the deck passengers, and step into the kitchen 
 to see what is going on in this essential adjunct to a boat. The 
 kitchen, in those days, was on the lower deck in front of the 
 wheel house, very much crammed for space; as a rule about from 
 eight by twelve feet, with a very large sheet iron stove, to still 
 more crowd the room. 
 
 Of course, larger boats would have a larger kitchen, but at 
 any rate the requisite amount of cooking required for passengers 
 and the crew would create a steaming heat, especially in warm 
 weather, almost beyond endurance, and aside from the windows 
 not the slightest provision was made to lead off the heat and 
 steam; and to make matters still worse some boats, in order to 
 economize space for freight, would raise the kitchen up from the 
 guards, leaving but little room over the cook's head, so that on 
 some days he would fully perspire his own weight, which he 
 would replenish with a pan of ice water setting on the shelf. 
 Now when the boat is under way there is generally a keen breeze 
 so when the steamed cook steps out of the kitchen, he is chilled 
 to the very marrow, cutting his earthly career short and making 
 him a candidate for the Marine Hospital. And what is strange, 
 if a cook got to be a boat owner or captain, he would build a new 
 boat to suit his own purse, and not the cook. 
 
 We are now in the kitchen; let the reader bear in mind that 
 nature has nothing insignificant or small; that Shakespeare got 
 his knowledge by mixing with the common people, sometimes in 
 grog shops, and noticing what some men call small matters. The 
 
60 
 
 number of cooks depends upon the size and style of the boat, 
 ranging from two to four, with two pastry cooks — in all six, in 
 different degrees of gradation from the bottom of the ladder. 
 
 Our boat has only three cooks and one pastry cook, and our 
 attention is drawn to the one third in grade, generally called 
 "Slush," and upon a little reflection the name exactly fits his 
 position, being constantly in the wet slop and grease. 
 
 Our boat has a "wash house" in the rear of the kitchen, and 
 as we take a sly peep at it we see a figure, enveloped in steam, of 
 some kind in motion, and as we approach it we see through the 
 fog the third cook, rather stoutly built, about in the last notch of 
 his teens, somewhat gawky in appearance, his sleeves rolled to 
 his arm pits, his pants tucked in a pair of cow leather boots 
 which have seen their best days, and give ventilation to his big 
 toe. He is bending over a tub full of hot soap suds, washing a 
 perfect stack of cooking utensils, some of which require strong 
 aims to clean, especially the hard burnt sauce and dripping pans, 
 of which to bring out the shine he uses either his finger nails, a 
 brush or a scraper. 
 
 He is told by the cook to save everything worth saving, 
 which is all dumped into one pan, a kind of hot-potch, to be 
 warmed over for the deck crew. And right here it may be a 
 consolation for the public to know that oti a good boat eatables 
 never see the table twice, as in some hotels. Now, from a phil- 
 osophical standpoint, the instructions of the cook are one thing 
 and human nature behind the back is entirely a different thing, 
 as a law not suited to man's nature has no effect, our Mr. Third 
 Cook is governed by the law of convenience and finds it less 
 trouble to fling things down the slush hole, than to sort them out, 
 so down she goes, pan full after pan full — the fish must live and 
 the boat is rich. 
 
 His position would soon cause a strike in a trade union; he 
 has to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning, to heat up the stove 
 
61 
 
 and have things ready for the second cook, who comes next in 
 order to begin the meal; and finally comes the first cook, who 
 puts the finishing touch to breakfast. He is evidently fresh from 
 the country, and pondering matters over, he feels fully satisfied 
 with his new calling, which means labor about eighteen hours 
 out of twenty-four; but all things taken into consideration there 
 is an immense gain over the farm boy, where in the winter time 
 as a hired man he got only bed and board, and for about five 
 months in the heat of the summer, with labor from the break of 
 day till sun down, fully fourteen hours, got just six dollars per 
 month; with the promise of a horse, saddle and bridle, if he re- 
 mained two years with the farmer. He, standing in the slush 
 and slop up to his knees, and fumigated with a hot soap suds, 
 did not deprive his brain of reason; the question as to the value 
 of horse, saddle and bridle flashed through his mind. This 
 peculiar custom evidently arose from the fact that for a farmer 
 to raise the cash was uphill business, but it was no trouble to 
 raise horses, so after a boy had served his time out, according to 
 the agreement, the farmer would give him a good send off, 
 putting him on his horse and starting him out to meet the 
 troubled breakers of the world, either in some town or on a farm 
 some where, and in case he would run across a girl who had a 
 cow, things, with these means, were in a good shape for them to 
 get married, and a start in life. 
 
 Our third cook is not called "Dutch," for he is an American, 
 a white man, and that he is generally called "Slush" belongs to 
 the business, the first and second cooks having both been there. 
 
 Aside from only bed and board in winter and pay in summer, 
 with horse, saddle and bridle, another consideration flashes 
 through his mind, mush and milk for supper, corn cakes for 
 breakfast and corn dodgers, washed down with butter milk, for 
 dinner, and other incidentals, beans, hominy and flitch, excepting 
 
62 
 
 at Christmas, and on the glorious Fourth of July, a side dish 
 of some molasses cakes. 
 
 On a steam boat what a material difference; eight dollars per 
 month in the winter time and housed in with good things to eat. 
 In one dish there is a quarter section of mince pie left by some 
 dude; in another there is a nice piece of pound cake from which 
 a fashionable lady has taken a mere nip; in a dripping pan is a 
 nice chicken leg and in another the wing of a duck, so first in 
 time first in right, these delicacies are not consigned to the hot- 
 potch for the deck hands, but are confiscated for his own benefit. 
 With his eight dollars per month, surrounded with the second 
 handed luxuries from the upper crust people, he is as happy as a 
 lark, and has already learned a section of the river song, which 
 he sings, keeping time with his foot, 
 
 "Dance, the boat man, dance, 
 I never saw a pretty girl in all my life 
 But what she would be a boat man's wife." 
 
 It was a great thing to be a boatman's wife, and he expected 
 to cut a big dash among the country girls when he got home 
 again, with a beaver cap, his trousers strapped to his boots, with 
 lots of Fibs and Bits and Mexican silver dollars — but no wildcat 
 money for him, he has been fooled before. 
 
 In this world there is no such a thing as a lasting glory, a 
 never ceasing feast, or a perpetual banquet, as is said to be in the 
 other world, where the fingers never tire of playing the harp. 
 
 As time rolls on, quite a material change has taken place 
 with our third cook; he seems to be under the weather, looks 
 chop-fallen, he sings no more, the pound cake, mince pie, chicken 
 legs, duck wings, are now quietly slipped into the hot-potch pan 
 for the deck hands. 
 
 The explanation is, man is best off under a limitation of 
 luxuries than with an unbounded supply. There was great truth 
 in the remark of Brigham Young, the Mormon's saint, "The 
 
63 
 
 quickest way to exterminate the Indians was to feed them to 
 
 death. ' ' 
 
 Now let us leave our third cook alone; he has learned a 
 
 lesson; experience makes one wise, and take a brief glance to see 
 what the second is doing. 
 
 About Clean Cooking. 
 He has gone through the mill, has raised one step on the 
 ladder of promotion, and has much cleaner and nicer work than 
 the third, and his office consists chiefly in attending to the cook- 
 ing, which does not require the highest skill, that being the work 
 of the first cook. And right here it is well enough to note, that 
 as far as cleanliness is concerned in cookery the wide world over, 
 in hotels, steam boats, and even in private families, there is much 
 truth in the saying that every one must eat a peck of dirt per 
 year; and all those who are a little sensitive about this peck of 
 dirt should bear in mind that all prepared eatables sold in public 
 market have more or less foreign matter in them, and which, if 
 the whole truth was known, would have no sale. Our second 
 cook is leaning over a pan preparing something, and according 
 to the natural law, the motion of his arm and the steam of the 
 kitchen brings on perspiration, which condenses on his face into 
 drops, and the draw of gravitation has no respect for persons. 
 Now, from a philosiphical standpoint, all this leads to no harm, 
 for that which has passed through the system once can make the 
 rounds once more, provided, however, not too much saline prop- 
 erties are introduced to over salt or spoil the taste. Boats now- 
 a-days mostly employ white cooks, but in the olden times it was 
 sometimes refreshing to see a darkey getting ready for meal time, 
 leaning over a pan mashing potatoes, in a profuse state of per- 
 spiration, with his mouth full of tobacco juice, with a total in- 
 difference, humming a song, "Ise gwine to New Orleans to see 
 my yellow gall," as much as to say, "Dis am no difference foah 
 die white folks; I mus mash taters, can't be helped." 
 
64 
 
 So far as the tobacco juice was concerned that was disposed 
 of with a squirt into the ash pan of the stove, and in case of a 
 mishap, "Can't be helped, a small quantity of nicotine hurts no 
 one." The ash pan of the stove was made the receptacle of all 
 the tobacco juice from a number of darkies the whole day long, 
 and in the evening it was used to broil the beefsteak and, strange 
 to say, there were never any complaint about the flavor. It is 
 well to observe here that some negroes were fully as clean as the 
 white men, and most excellent cooks, especially where thej^ had 
 French masters. In nature there is no such thing as dirt, but 
 only matter in the wrong place, and those who are sensitive and 
 want no foreign matter in their eatables must buy the materials 
 and prepare it themselves, and furthermore, in cooking, take the 
 advice of Dr. Franklin, "If you want an)' thing done do it your- 
 self, and if not, send some one else to do it;" to this maxim may 
 be added, "Keep your eye on your cook," for man is less con- 
 cerned when he cooks for another than himself. And also bear 
 in mind that man has many weak points; he wears out very 
 soon, and more especially above middle age the olfactory nerves 
 get beyond his control and the law of gravitation will have its 
 own way, so a healthy cook in the prime of life has a better con- 
 trol over himself. A cook for a steamboat is a question as to the 
 style of the boat and trade. North or South, a passenger, packet 
 or a transit boat. When boating was at its prime to be a satis- 
 factory cook on some boats was a question of years of experience, 
 for in the competition to get a name boats would try to surpass 
 each other in a good table; but since railroads have superseded 
 boating, things have changed. Cookery is a great science; even 
 to broil a simple beefsteak properly is a question of scientific 
 knowledge and skill, but cooks seldom practice what they know. 
 It is well enough, when a cook gets a salary of $5,000 per year 
 from a millionaire for his knowledge, to broil the steak with some 
 
65 
 
 attention, but when cooking for a hundred people, as the saying 
 goes, give it a lick and a promise. 
 
 Rich Fare on Boats. 
 
 The common remark used to be that steamboat living was 
 entirely too rich for any one to stand it long without ruining 
 the stomach. The reason this was done was because the people 
 wanted it so; they dug their graves with their own teeth; other- 
 wise remarks would be made by the passengers, and especially the 
 women, who would make frn of the tough biscuit and of the sole 
 leather pie crust. 
 
 They wanted things rich and they got them rich; so the 
 steward would instruct the cook to season high, use lots of 
 grease, and the pastry cook to use lots of lard and butter, so in 
 compliance with the public demand the biscuits were made short 
 enough to fill the bill, and for pie crust, called puff paste, fully 
 one pound of butter was taken to one pound of flour, with lots of 
 sugar, for the crust to be palatable. The crust being made fully 
 an eighth of an inch thick would puff up on the rim to make a 
 very nice leafy appearance, while the bottom would remain a 
 kind of heavy, fatty dough, and the biscuits were made so rich 
 that with a squeeze in the hand that they could be readily pressed 
 into a doughy, fatty lump. Now, in connection with this rich 
 living, as it is said, there are tricks in all trades but ours. 
 
 The steward caught on to the trick that man, although he 
 considered himself an angel, was nevertheless such an animal 
 that he could be over fed, like a horse or an ox on the first dinner 
 meal under way, and to eat but little after that; for the best in- 
 terest of the boat the steward, whenever in his own judgment 
 thought he had that class of passengers who could be foundered, 
 he would give the cooks the blink to get up a foundering meal, 
 everj-thing rich, with the finest of dainties, which never failed to 
 do the business. 
 
66 
 
 To avoid a contradiction, as it has alreadj' been remarked, 
 that none but the rich, who can not be over fed, could travel in 
 the cabin, and the explanation is that in the years of the fifties 
 boats had reduced their fares, and more over, by the discovery of 
 gold in California and by the European wars, the price of farm 
 productions had raised and put money in circulation among the 
 people and enabled them to take cabin passage. 
 
 The explanation given produced a class of people who would 
 readily snap at the bait to save money for the boat, aside from 
 the disagreeableness of having so many people on board with 
 over loadened stomachs. It must be further understood that the 
 rich living and foundering business was strictly a question as to 
 the trade in which the boat was running; this not being the case 
 in the Southern trade, where fine passenger boats set a good 
 table, a more chaste state of cooking, according to the French 
 style, was the custom. As the remark has been made, that man 
 will dig his own grave with his teeth, the effects of rich living 
 are not so injurious when people lead an active life, thus consum- 
 ing the carbon in the human furnace, like a stove with a good 
 draft, which the chemists call gentle heat or slow combustion in 
 the animal system. 
 
 According to the writer's observation the only ones on boats 
 suffering from indigestion were among the captains and clerks, 
 subject as a rule to no physical exercise; the balance of the crew 
 would seldom complain of troubled stomachs. 
 
 In writing of the laws of health, it is not exactly the point, 
 but incidentally a good fit to make a few remarks, and a little 
 more deviation may be overlooked by saying that rich living 
 without labor is one of the shortest roads to reach the grave. 
 
 The reader will pardon the writer for saying that man is not 
 governed bj' reason in the regulation of his eating and exercise, 
 but is governed by an outer force which brings him to time, be- 
 cause not one man in a thousand has the power of self control; 
 
67 
 
 for in all cases, with rare exceptions, a man with leisure and 
 means will be sure to abuse them and hurry matters up for the 
 undertaker. 
 
 There is a good reason why there is very little dyspepsia in 
 Germany, because nine-tenths of the people eat black bread, and 
 there is a very good reason why there is so much of it in America, 
 because it is a land of abundance, where the masses give the 
 classes to understand that they can live rich too. 
 
 And it is strange to note that the dyspepsia or the stomach 
 complaints in China are said to be exactly for an opposite cause 
 than in America, the scarcity of provisions, causing the consump- 
 tion of things not fit for human stomach, for to save fuel in 
 cooking; things there are to a great extent eaten raw. 
 
 Religion is the only clamp screw on the control of man's 
 gullet, or being nailed up, riveted and clinched with some kind of 
 a superstitious belief. 
 
 The Mohammedan drinks no wine; some Christians eat no 
 meat at certain times; the Jew no pork, considered unclean, but 
 eats the ox and some people will eat the swine, but no beef be- 
 cause the spirit of their ancestors lives in the ox, the danger of 
 eating their own father. 
 
 Thus it has been shown how the unnatural rich living on 
 boats with leisure and doing nothing will disease man. This 
 shoe fits on land, too. The writer is of the opinion, however, 
 that it will have no more effect on most people, however, than to 
 fire a pop gun against the Allegheny mountains, for as a rule 
 man never locks the stable until the horse is stolen. 
 
 After it is too late the millionaire will finally come down to 
 oat meal and skimmed milk, and the great statesman will eat a 
 water cracker at a banquet in his honor. 
 
 Girls Traveling on Deck Alone are Well Fed. 
 To avoid monotony let us leave the culinary department to 
 let every man and woman tickle their own palates to their 
 
68 
 
 soul's content, and see what is going on in the pastry room. 
 
 As we walk across the boat we see peeping through the door 
 standing ajar at the pantry room a lady, dressed neatly, rather 
 pretty, with a small squeezed up foot, large hands to reach piano 
 keys, trying to look modest, rolling an uneasy eye. 
 
 She knows where the luxuries and the fine dainties are to be 
 found on a boat, and the pastry cook, who at the time being has 
 both hands in a batter setting rolls for breakfast, has a kind of an 
 idea why she is peeping through the door, so he invites her in, 
 "Come right in, no use to be backward." 
 
 As a matter of course she steps in and he, with an apology 
 for a seat, turns a bucket bottom up with his foot — as soon as he 
 gets his hands out of the batter will furnish better accommoda- 
 tions; with all favors thankfully received she squats on the 
 bucket as a pro tem provision. He gets his hands out of the 
 batter, washing his hands and taking ofiF the apron, with a twitch 
 to shake off the flour from his pants, is ready to attend to her 
 wants, and as one word brings on another he puts the question, 
 where she is from and where she is going ? 
 
 She is quick to answer, "I am from St. Louis, where I have 
 been engaged as a pastry cook in an eating house, but since bus- 
 iness is rather slack now I want to try m)'^ luck in New Orleans, 
 where in the winter time it is said there is always a boom in our 
 line." 
 
 She being a pastry cook was a good broad side on a soft spot 
 for mutual sympathy, both in the same calling, and the question 
 is soon put whether she is hungry. "Oh, no, not so far as the 
 substantial are concerned. The cook gave me a stiff solid beef- 
 steak, some rolls and a nice cup of coffee; they have been very 
 kind to me." "Yes," says Mr. Pastry Cook, "I have never 
 known a nice respectable lady traveling on the deck of a steam 
 boat but what the crew would be friendly towards her, and I 
 have never known a nice lady tc suffer for anything to eat." 
 
69 
 
 "You are right; I was told so; that the river men were a real 
 clever set of fellows, and would never go back on a poor girl." 
 Now he shows up some of his jelly cakes and puff paste tarts, 
 whether she could lay over them in her opinion, and as a matter 
 of course they are real nice, "Why they beat mine all hollow, did 
 I ever see; I must get you to show me the trick." "With 
 the greatest of pleasure I will teach you the very latest style in 
 fancy pastry, but tasting is believing; here, try this cake and 
 this tart and give me your honest opinion." With a little hesi- 
 tating female modesty in giving her honest opinion she puts 
 them out of sight, with lots of taffy for the pastry cook, "Never 
 saw anything to equal them." There is also a bottle of claret 
 wine in the cupboard and something still stronger used on fine 
 boats for sauce, called "dip," a glass of which would just fill the 
 bill, for jelly cakes and tarts by themselves are rather dry. 
 
 To his remarks, "You are right," she says, "But I never 
 drink any thing stronger than water or coffee as a beverage, only 
 when I feel indisposed. Claret is said to be good for a weak 
 stomach, and as I have been drinking the Mississippi water, per- 
 haps it would do me good." "Alright," he says, "This will do 
 you good," pours out a stiff glass to counteract the Mississippi 
 water; so from this standpoint she drinks the wune, but as a 
 beverage she w^ould rather not touch, taste nor handle it. After 
 having put these different articles out of sight, where they right- 
 fully belong, he makes the suggestion that it is just as cheap 
 sitting as standing, takes a dish rag, wipes off the pastry table, 
 "Now let us sit down and make ourselves comfortable," sits 
 down on the table, and she, after hesitating a little, sits beside 
 him, as much as to say, "The upper crust people will never know 
 the difference," and she has evidently "been there" when she 
 was a pastry cook. 
 
 He lights a cigar, asks whether smoking is disagreeable to 
 her, "Oh, no; I am used to it. I used to light Old Grandma's 
 
70 
 
 pipe when I was a child. Where I came from most women 
 smoke, and even rub snuff and some on the sly chew tobacco." 
 "You say that women rub snuff where you are from, where is 
 your home?" "Tennessee is mj^old home, and I tell you women 
 rub snuff right in company." "You don't say so." "Yes, I say 
 so, and right here let me tell you a little joke; where I came from 
 there was a young man paying his attention to a girl who had 
 given him the mitten several times, but he kept hanging on; so 
 one day to settle the business for good she turned on him and 
 spit a big mouth full of snuff on his shirt bosom; that was cer- 
 tainly a good broad hint that her heart was intended for some 
 one else." He remarked, "Yes." She replied, "More than 
 enough for one without a faint heart." After having a good 
 laugh she shyly intimates that smoking is some times said to be 
 good for the teeth, not that she has tooth-ache, and as a matter 
 of course he hands her a stogie; both to have a smoke as happy 
 as larks, with a little hypocrisy on each side, with a little cheap 
 taffy. 
 
 He would no more marry an eating house pot flinger than 
 fly, and for herself to marry a steamboat pastry cook was out of 
 the question; but the natural law steps in to dart the arrows of 
 love to their hearts and causes them to see with different eyes. 
 
 She has made a ten strike, to get her substantials in the 
 kitchen and her dainties in the pastry room, with the privilege of 
 sitting on the pastry table, and every chance to get a husband. 
 
 Now let us leave these two accidental acquaintances in their 
 glory and should they go one eye blind on their mutual suspicion 
 and eventually get married it would be nothing more nor less 
 than the old story over again, often has been and often will be. 
 
 Hard Labor of the Dkck Crew and Roustabouts. 
 
 We hear the brusque commanding voice of the mate, "Come 
 along, boys, hurry up, be lively, move along, move on, get in 
 the freight, etc." 
 
71 
 
 As we walk up the stage planks we see a gang of men com- 
 ing on board with a load of freight and going of? empty handed, 
 and by the way, in a good, chilly rain, one and all completely 
 water soaked. 
 
 As a matter of course the first and second mates are there, 
 too, in the rain with the men; the only difference is that they 
 carry no freight and wear water proof coats, for an old fashioned 
 steamboat officer would never think of shirking or dodging hard- 
 ships, no matter how disagreeable; even a captain, when a boat 
 was on ground, would in some cases leap in the water like a 
 poodle dog, to work all night. 
 
 The state of the weather was never considered a draw-back 
 In taking on freight or wood for the boilers, unless rain would 
 ruin the goods, and it mattered not whether it was blowing, 
 thundering, lightning and hailing; all no difference with the 
 mate; he would be there, "Come ahead, boys, pitch in, be 
 lively, etc." 
 
 Whether it was day, night or Sunday made no difference; a 
 boat on a way station or landing, in taking on freight, would 
 never stop long enough to give the men a mouthful to eat; the 
 freight must first go on the boat. In case a boat would run on 
 ground in some locations, on an uneven bottom of the river, it 
 was a question of life and death to get her off. Even they forgot to 
 eat; but in some cases the mate was penny wise and pound 
 foolish, and would completely wear out and exhaust his men 
 without stopping long enough to give them a bite to eat, and the 
 fact that the mate himself would grin it out with a hungry 
 stomach, did not help the men. 
 
 As there is no shadow without a light, the deck crew would 
 sometimes have an intermission for days with but little labor, the 
 same being true with the cabin crew and cooks. But when a 
 
72 
 
 boat was overcrowded with passengers it meant eighteen hours 
 per day. 
 
 The hours of duty, called "watch," for the captain, pilots, 
 engineers, firemen and watchman, were regular and constant; 
 not so hard, but without any intermission of leisure days. 
 
 These irregular hardships were only common on what were 
 called transit boats in a long trade, but in a short trade or reg- 
 ular packet boats the labor, as well as the leisure of the whole 
 crew, was less. The hardships of steamboat life, from the 
 captain down to the lowest roustabout, with rare exceptions, 
 were not calculated for a man to count but by the many gray 
 hairs on his own head. 
 
 It will be observed in the last of the fifties boats were built 
 with a great deal more room and comfort, and by new inventions 
 in the shape of pumps for the cabin crew and for the deck crew 
 to keep the water from leaking joints out of the hull, and also 
 contrivances to work the capstan, stage planks, and to hoist the 
 freight out of the hull with steam power the crew was relieved 
 of much labor. 
 
 Bed and Board of the Deck Crew. 
 
 Boats only furnished the men with a bare bunk, with the 
 soft side of a board, without table, knife, fork, plate, cup and 
 saucer, because in all cases where these articles were furnished 
 they were stolen as the men left the boat, and some were so 
 filthy in their habits that to furnish them with a bed was ont of 
 the question. "Man is treated as he deserves to be." 
 
 In the eating line they got an abundance of substantials, and 
 as a rule of a greater variety than one would find on a good 
 family table, with the exception of fine pastry and dainties. 
 While the boat was in port the> would get the same bread in 
 common use and out of port, under way, the well known pilot 
 bread, called hard tack on boats, which by some bakeries were 
 
73 
 
 made into round cakes as solid and hard as a bone, but by some 
 manufacturers, by the use of machinery, made into wholesome 
 and palatable bread, often used on the cabin table. The modern 
 so-called pilot bread is made by a new contaminating process, to 
 make it more soft, which is not the same unleavened, as made in 
 former years, as now a days it is only made by the Jews, from 
 whom it can be obtained pure. 
 
 There was no question but what the deck crew got an abund- 
 ance to eat, with lots to waste or throw overboard, but it was the 
 rough and uninviting manner in which things were dished up 
 and the rough and careless preparation of their meals that was 
 objectionable. 
 
 The manner of cooking is where the point comes in, which 
 seems to have been understood by the Earl of Lytton, who in one 
 of his poetic dashes says: 
 
 "We may live without friends, we may live without books 
 But civilized man can not live without cooks. ' ' 
 
 Now, if we squeeze one eye shut on this poetry we must give 
 his Royal Highness credit at least for rhyme with good sense. 
 As it has already been remarked that cooking for the cabin pas- 
 sengers was prepared with care and made exceedingly rich to 
 please the public palate; but in cooking for the deck crew the 
 exact opposite — carelessness was the rule; the pastrj^ cook, him- 
 self a poor, laboring man, when ordered to make a pie for the 
 poor, laboring deck-hands, was blind to their woe, and not to 
 save any money for the boat, for that was a secondary question 
 by all the crew, but to save labor he would mix flour with water, 
 adding a few hands full of lard, and then make a pie crust fully a 
 quarter of an inch thick, filled with dried peaches, a little sugar, 
 and make a pie with two crusts a strong inch thick, baked in a 
 large dripping pan, to be cut up in sectional parts after it was 
 baked . 
 
This was called "dessert," and another kind, for a change of 
 dessert, was a dough with more or less lard, called 'duff," a 
 dumpling of solid dough, fixed off with some kind of gravy or 
 sauce. Now these articles properly prepared would be fit for a 
 I^ord, but as they were, as the saying goes, "Would require the 
 stomach of a rhinocerous to digest them." 
 
 But, strange, the men would relish this so-called dessert with- 
 out the least complaint of indigestion, showing how the human 
 furnace will consume with motion or labor, so essential to man's 
 health. 
 
 It is needless to say that the nicest, tender roasts and beef- 
 steaks were reser\^ed for the cabin crew, and that the deck creW 
 got the tough; but there was one accidental blessing in their 
 favor by reason that the meat intended for them was put in a 
 large sauce pan, and set as a manner of convenience on a kind of 
 a heater called the elbow, where it was subject for hours to a 
 gentle heat of not over two hundred degrees of Fahrenheit, thus 
 becoming very juicy and tender, a principle so little understood 
 by people who call themselves cooks. 
 
 Mean Treatment at Times. 
 
 Although these men got more than enough to eat, at times, 
 however, they were neglected, in common parlance, "treated 
 mean." As was sometimes the case these men would be subject 
 to long hours of beastly labor, which seemed be^^ond human en- 
 durance, which would entitle them to a good meal after they were 
 done. But right here is where the blind selfishness of man comes 
 in; the eye does not look backwards, so in conformity to this 
 human trait, for one not to see his own faults, our Mr. Cook, who 
 would curse the owners of the boat fifty times a day for the ill 
 construction of the kitchen, which roasted and steamed the very 
 life out of a poor cook, would never take the second thought that 
 
the men at such times ought to have a good meal measurable 
 with their hard labor. 
 
 As a matter of course man, who never sees his own wrongs, 
 is keen to see the wrongs of others, so that the men in some cases 
 would raise what is called a "muss," and rebel at the meal. 
 The writer remembers cases where the men would gather up their 
 breakfast, walk up to the cabin and show it to the captain, and 
 ask him whether this was a decent meal after working all night. 
 
 So the captain, with a dry cough, would send the poor devils 
 down on deck, with a promise to look matters up, to see the 
 steward; and the steward, with a pleasing smile, a polite bow, a 
 scratch of his foot, and a rubbing of his hands, would plead his 
 own case — although their meal might be finer, yet it was sub- 
 stantial, and no other three boiler boat feeds them any better (the 
 pay of the crew and their fare was governed b}^ the number of 
 boilers), but it is immatertal to me, and if you say so, captain, I 
 will feed them on pound cakes and turkeys at your expense. 
 This was a very slick way for the steward to dodge behind a 
 screen, to talk himself out, so the matter would finally end, with 
 a "D the Irish; they are never satisfied." 
 
 The truth was not at all the question of expense to the boat> 
 but a careless indifference to save labor for the cook; for the 
 
 D Irish never expected to be fed on luxuries, and as a rule 
 
 never grumbled at their meals when not overworked; but when 
 they had to labor the whole blessed night they thought it rather 
 rough to get nothing but tough, poorly cooked meat, boiled 
 potatoes, hard tack and black coffee for breakfast, in a rich new 
 country where provisions were dirt cheap. In such cases the 
 Germans would likewise complain and demur but would bite into 
 the bitter apple with German forbearance; the negroes had no 
 remedy but silence, but the Irish would come to time to a man, 
 would speak out, and in some cases would demand their money 
 and leave the boat. Not onlv on account of the meals, but for 
 
76 
 
 other causes it was nothing unusual to have what is called an 
 "Irish rumpus," a fight in which an old time Captain was always 
 prompt to take a hand to help the boys out, and in which the 
 Irish generally got the worst of the battle, but with no serious 
 results, aside from a black eye or a mashed nose, because no 
 knives or pistols were used in those times, but the good old 
 fashioned American way — the fists. 
 
 Slavks Werb Treated Best. 
 
 The trouble which the boats had with the mercurial Irish- 
 men caused them to hire Germans and Americans and slaves, and 
 it is here worthy to note that the slaves were treated far better 
 than the free negroes or the white, it being a question of dollars 
 and cents under a contract by the slave holder to give the negroes 
 good, substantial, wholesome food, not overwork thera, furnish 
 medicine when sick, and pay for all "niggers" lost overboard. 
 
 At the port of New Orleans on the levee men would get big 
 wages by the hour to load and unloaden the boats, and here the 
 slave holders would hire out their negroes, but they would always 
 see that they were well fed and would allow their slaves to work 
 only a certain number of hours, as it was considered a stupid 
 policy for one to wear his slaves out too soon. But as far as the 
 poor white men, the levee hands, not the crew, were concerned, 
 no one cared how they were fed, how long they would work, or 
 how soon they would wear out — they were much cheaper than 
 mules. 
 
 Now right here that threadbare saying comes in play, that 
 the people are not what they used to be in the kind treatment of 
 each other; w^hile in reality man has never been treated better, 
 no matter how far back we go in the history of the world. Man 
 has always used man as a beast of burden when he had the 
 advantage; as Shakespeare has so ably portrayed it, after being 
 used as a beast of burden let him flap his ears, and he should 
 
77 
 
 have added, give himself a shake like a mule after being released 
 of his harness, in the evening, after a hard day's work. This 
 treatment of one man of another is worthy of our careful consid- 
 eration for a clear understanding, and to correct some prejudices 
 founded upon a false basis. 
 
 The general complaint that it is only the rich who oppress 
 the poor is not by any means true; it is simply a question 
 whether one man has the advantage of another to rob him of his 
 toil. As a rule man will carry out his selfish nature, for it was 
 often noticed where a miserable slave was made a master he was 
 the most unmerciful tyrant, and where a deckhand, a cabin boy, 
 or a smeary slush cook, got to be a Captain, he conformed to the 
 German proverb, "The more severe the ragged poverty the more 
 severe the rod." The rich very often show more kindness to- 
 wards the poor, than the poor among themselves; as proof of this 
 the writer has known rich steamboat Captains to see that the 
 men would get ice water in hot weather and order a good meal 
 for them in case of hard labor, while a poor cook or a steward 
 would be totally indifferent about such matters, thinking any- 
 thing is good enough for the D Dutch, Irish and niggers. 
 
 This is not a question of the classes against the masses, the 
 rich against the poor, but it is founded on the animal nature of 
 man; for as already mentioned, away back in the night of time 
 the strong would rob and kill the weak, and then use the skull of 
 their victim as a drinking cup. 
 
 The Classes and the Masses. 
 
 The change has been an incidental result of advancing civili- 
 zation, which seems to be a very slow process, for man must be a 
 strong animal to be an intellectual angel, and it is impossible to 
 curb the animal without curbing the angel. A weak stomach has 
 a weak angel. 
 
78 
 
 There seems to be a great deal of truth in the Indian's say- 
 ing, "The great Spirit has put books before the white man to 
 make him wise and great, but has made one man a lord and the 
 other a dog, and with the Indian every man is his own lord and 
 his own dog." 
 
 Now, having taken a sly peep at some of the little matters, 
 from a philosophical standpoint, to do no harm in the sober re- 
 flection, "Man, know thyself," let us present a picture to see how 
 near the Indian is right. But before we present the scenery of 
 the classes and the masses of real life, let us nail up to full view 
 the glorious boon, the Declaration of Independence — that all men 
 are born free and equal and not forget the word "equal." 
 
 We are at meal time — the Captain, by a peculiar custom, 
 takes the head of the table, walks back to the ladies' cabin, with 
 a polite bow and folded hands makes it known that dinner is 
 ready and as the upper crust people come to the table, a cabin 
 boy on each side for the ladies and gentlemen, pushes up their 
 chairs, and after all are seated, with the greatest attention, the 
 Captain motions his hand, the steward rings the bell, and all are 
 ready for business. 
 
 The cabin boy, with any amount of "Mr., yes sir, and no 
 sir," in gentle words asks the moneyed lord as to his desires, 
 whether it shall be turke)'-, duck, chicken, roast beef, lamb or 
 pork, etc. 
 
 Our democratic I^ord, after a little hesitation, with a smack 
 of his lips, gives his order to supply the inner man, and after the 
 substantials are disposed of, he tops off with fine pastry and all 
 manner of fine dainties piled up on the table, with not enough 
 room for a fly to find a seat. It will be observed that the custom 
 for all the passengers to sit at one long table, with everything 
 piled on at once, has gone out of style, and the mode of serving 
 meals is now-a-days after the European fashion. Having thus 
 
79 
 
 shown how the classes fared in those times on boats, let us take 
 a peep at the masses, and see how the deckhands are treated. 
 
 Their meals were dished up in tin pans set in rows, one side 
 of the kitchen for the white men and the other side for the 
 "niggers," and as already remarked there was no question but 
 that the men generally got an abundance, only they were 
 neglected at times, as already explained. 
 
 The farmers, when they feed their cattle, have a peculiar 
 way of calling them up to the trough, and the cooks invented a 
 new language to call the men to their meals, the second cook 
 would tell the third, and as a rule, say, "Slush, call the men;" 
 so he would step out on deck and cry out, "Grub pile, boys, 
 grub pile, grub pile," and the men generally came trotting up 
 good naturedly to get their grub, with the privilege of locating 
 their table anywhere about the deck they saw fit. The generous, 
 whole-souled Irishman, when in good spirits, would come up in 
 a kind of waggish waddle, remove the tobacco from his mouth to 
 his hat, to answer for another grind and renewal of the juice 
 after the meal, as happy as a June bug, humming a song, "The 
 only girl who entices me is Irish Molly O, is Irish Molly O," and 
 as he would gather up the pans in front the second man would 
 have the politeness to push up the pans in the rear with his foot, 
 and, "Here, Pat, pick 'em up, take 'em right along." 
 
 The jolly colored man, always called "nigger" on a boat, 
 would come up in his peculiar shuffling swinging gait, with a 
 gracious smile — "Alright, boss, am dis our pans?" "Yes, Sam- 
 bo, pick 'em right up," and the cook shows the same politeness 
 to Sambo in moving up the pans with his foot. All men are born 
 free and equal and why not treat all men alike, even a "nigger?" 
 Here is this modern socialistic question that all men are born 
 equal; and yet in spite of man's teeth, he is always found in a 
 different gradation in his social condition. 
 
80 
 
 While some of these men had not even a plate or a pocket 
 knife with which to eat their meals, and would never change 
 their shirts until they would wear off their backs, or get too 
 much lively company to be heaved overboard, others would keep 
 themselves comparatively clean and have at least an iron plate^ 
 knife, fork and tin cup for their meals. But that was neither a 
 question here nor there; they would manage to satisfy the inner 
 man in a way that anything would answer the purpose to get 
 things to the mouth. One would loan the other his tin cup for 
 coffee, and in case of a pinch make one of the pans fill the bill. 
 The hard tack bread was generally used as a dish, and in the end 
 they would eat the plate — simple and practicable to say the least. 
 The writer remembers an instance where an Irishman who 
 had nothing but a pocket knife made a virtue out of a necessity, 
 had his meat laying on a hard tack cake, and his vegetables on a 
 board, and under a mistaken idea that the writer was hungry, 
 generously cut the meat in two and offered one-half to him, and 
 also told him to help himself to the vegetables. Here we have a 
 point for a little reflection; this poor Irishman had no ax to 
 grind; he was not running for office; there was no hypocrisy in 
 his case, but it was an offer from a pure generous heart, and it is 
 indeed true beyond question that the Irish people are generous to 
 a fault. 
 
 Thus in our scenery we have shown how one eats, in the 
 cabin, from gilt-edged china ware, and the other from aboard and 
 drinks coffee in a rusty tin pan. Why were some men in this con- 
 dition? Was strong drink alcohol at the bottom? While the 
 Germans stand second to none for drinking they were more careful 
 not to spend all their earnings at the bar, and for this reason were 
 called the "stingy Dutch," but the generous Irishman was at 
 times called "a whole-souled clever fellow, or usually Mick, or 
 red mouth. When it became known that he had a few of those 
 old fashioned large copper cents, or a few Fibs and Bits or a 
 
81 
 
 Mexican silver dollar in his pocket, then it was generous Pat 
 who lived and let live. But when he wanted to borrow a tin cup 
 for his coffee he had either to abide his time or get a very short 
 answer, "Why in the h don't you buy a tin?" But as cir- 
 cumstances alter cases, whenever he agreed to fill the cup with 
 whiskey, all the tins were at his services — hurrah for Pat. 
 
 In justice to the Irish they were not all given up to strong 
 drink, neither were they the only ones, for there were examples 
 of the Americans and Germans who would drink the shirt from 
 their backs. 
 
 Happy Hours and River Songs. 
 
 Having already explained the question of bed and board, the 
 difference between high life and low, with other incidental re- 
 marks of hardships, we will next draw attention to the sunny side 
 of river life. The river men were really a jolly set of "fellers," 
 as the saying goes; with hearts happy and light, having their 
 hours of pleasure, as a rule, when the boats were in port, going 
 to theatres, dances, cock-fights, and other places of fun and 
 amusement. 
 
 The negroes, who as a rule were mostly slaves, were the most 
 J0II3' set of "fellers" in their dancing and singing, having 
 peculiar songs of their own manufacture to suit their purpose for 
 pastime; and the white crew likewise had their own songs. 
 
 It was a great thing to be a river character in those times, to 
 cut a big dash, and take the shine among the girls. A man with 
 the ready cash to go to places of amusement, with the means to 
 set it up for the men and treat the girls to ice cream, was a man 
 worth looking up, too. 
 
 As already explained the farm boy saw no cash, but the 
 trade and factory hand was paid in store orders, so the riverman 
 had prestige to be lionized among the fair sex, and with his 
 pocket full of those big copper cents, silver money of Fibs and 
 Bits, he considered himself trump to show off, talk loud and make 
 
82 
 
 known his importance with his song. As it is said he who knows 
 a nation's song, knows the character of its people; and in a care- 
 ful study of his song we can read his thoughts and know the 
 boatman. 
 
 Thk Old Fashioned Boatman's Song. 
 
 The boat man is a lucky man, 
 
 No one can do as the boat man can, 
 
 The boat men dance and the boat men sing 
 
 The boat man is up to everything. 
 
 (The Chorus.) 
 
 Hi O, the way we go 
 
 Floating down the river on the Ohio. 
 
 When the boat man goes on shore, 
 He spends his money and works for more. 
 ( Oiorus. ) 
 
 When the boat man goes on shore. 
 Look, old man, your sheep is gone, 
 He steals your sheep and steals your shote, 
 He puts 'em in a bag and totes 'em to the boat. 
 ( Chorus. ) 
 
 Dance, the boat man, dance, dance all night 
 Till broad day light. 
 
 And go home with the girls in the morning. 
 {Chorus.') 
 
 I never saw a pretty girl in all my life. 
 But what she would- be a boat man's wife. 
 ( Chorus. ) 
 
 Man always sings a song the most agreeable to his feelings, 
 and from the tenor of this song there was much truth in the say- 
 ing of the plain people, that the river man feels his oats and con- 
 siders himself some pumpkins. 
 
83 
 Songs of the Darkies. 
 
 Nature seems to compensate the anxiety of the rich and the 
 hardships of the poor, for the rich sing least and the poor most. 
 Birds never sing after they have feathered their nests; the rich 
 only sing for style, and the songs of the heart belong to the poor. 
 
 Judging the .slaves from their songs and dances, they were 
 the most happy people in the world, for a darkey was generally 
 humming a song while at work, and when at his leisure he was 
 always ready for a hoe down, a Virginia reel, and in the absence 
 of a mouth organ or an old fiddle would pat Juby (jublilee), by 
 clapping their thighs and hands, keeping time with the foot, and 
 some would become most remarkably expert in clapping their 
 mouths and producing a peculiar sound, like pulling a cork out 
 of a bottle. 
 
 Thus we have seen the slaves with hearts happy and light; 
 one would "pat Juby" for another, and if a "gemmen" would 
 give either a "foah pens" it would fill the tin, increase the ex- 
 hilaration, the fun with shouts, "Die Lord hab blessed die 
 colored population," 
 
 Now, to describe the songs of these people is exceedingly 
 difficult, because all knowledge is comparison, and there is noth- 
 ing in existence with which to compare them. Their songs, as a 
 rule, were their own productions, often without euphony or 
 chime, yet it is sufficient to say that in some cases they would 
 sing remarkably well. It was a general custom on Southern 
 boats for the negroes to sing, when a boat would arrive in port; 
 one would stand on the capstan with a flag in one hand, to motion 
 off the time of the song, like the leader of a band. 
 
 It was trul> astonishing how they could sing; the stiffness 
 of the language falls short in describing it; they learned to adopt 
 the proper songs to be heard at distances and those best near by. 
 One could hear even at a great distance their song, produced by 
 
84 
 
 upwards of thirty healthy negroes with good strong lungs, each 
 doing his best, which causing a vibration on water, nature's best 
 telephone, conveyed a sound like deep rolling thunder, with in- 
 termissions of rising and falling waves. The low and the high 
 pitch was caused by the intermission of the chorus, "O — ho — 
 Ah — hah — " drawn out long, which one could hear as the boat 
 came near, and taking the whole into consideration, the song 
 would in a measure chime with the sound of the paddle wheels 
 and escaping steam, and made the song soul stirring and the 
 sight grand. 
 
 Aside from these songs when a boat would enter port, as a 
 rule, each darkey had a song of his own to suit his own fancy, 
 and as a general thing when at work, would hum some kind of a 
 tune. A darkey with a load on his shoulders would at intervals 
 sing, "I's gwine to New Orleans on de Harry Bluff to see my 
 yellow gall, my yellow gall. Ah — hah — O — hoh — to see my yel- 
 low gall — My yellow gall Ah — hah — O — hoh — . 
 
 Another was, 
 
 "I never kissed a white gall and I hope I never will. 
 For I is afraid I'd never get my fill." 
 
 At times they would mix all kinds of stuff to answer the 
 purpose, with a rig or a slur on the captain and the chamber- 
 maid. 
 
 "I heard the captain say 
 
 Shove her up my lively lads and get her in the way. 
 Shove her up, get her steaming hot, 
 I will pay you fifty dollars if you pass the Alex. Scott." 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 Hurrah my boys, hurrah my boys 
 
 The captain has told and said. 
 
 Shove up my lads and push the boat ahead. 
 
85 
 
 But as everybody knows, and everybody says, 
 They know his tricks, they know his ways; 
 He is up to time and never late, 
 You will find him with the chambermaid. 
 
 CHORUS. 
 
 An India rubber overcoat, a whoop to do, a whoop to do, 
 An India rubber overcoat, a whoop to do, to do. 
 
 Whenever the negroes would sing this and drag in the cap- 
 tain and chambermaid, everybody would laugh in their sleeves 
 as a good rig on the "old man," who considered it better policy 
 to squeeze one eye shut for fear that if he stopped the darkies 
 singing this song, the crew would say that the truth hurts; so 
 the captain would laugh with the balance of the crew. 
 
 These rhymes as a matter of course were made by the most 
 talented darkies, but some would try their hands in the poetic 
 line and not exactly fill the bill — rather gritty to the ears of the 
 best poets who would not be slow to make their criticism. For 
 instance — 
 
 "I was coming down the river setting on a log 
 And when the niggers sees me was setting on a hog. 
 Hurrah my boys, Hurrah my boys." 
 
 This rhyme would call forth remarks, "If a nigger can't 
 make a better rhyme than dat, he ort to quit making poetry," 
 In retort "Dat nigger don't know what he am talking about, dis 
 child knows better, don't de white folks say dat all poetry am 
 nonsense and foolishness; dat nigger don't know nothing, he am 
 a fool." 
 
 So in the opinion of some of the colored poets log rhymes 
 with hog, in accordance with the rule laid down by the white 
 folks, that poetry is not intended for sense, for as the common 
 saying goes, it is more sense than poetr5% or all poetry and no 
 sense. 
 
86 
 
 There is one thing strange to note, and that is that these 
 happy Jubilee dances and songs are heard no more on boats, and 
 even the white men sing their favorite songs no more; why is 
 this so? With the negro it is an easy question to answer, free- 
 dom has added troubles and cares, but why is the white man so 
 silent? 
 
 "Dance the boatman dance, 
 Dance all night till broad daylight 
 And go home with the girls in the morning." 
 
 Is it because the progress and change of civilization has 
 caused this silence? Is it because, as it is said to be by river 
 men, that the deck crew of boats now-a-days is composed chiefly 
 of foreigners and that the percentage of Americans is very 
 small? 
 
 SociAi, Conditions in Oldkn Times. 
 
 Let this be as it may; let us take another sly peep at the 
 social conditions in those olden times, and let one and all use 
 their own judgment, whether the progress in comforts and 
 wealth has made the condition of the masses better or worse. 
 
 Henry George compares the progress of civilization to a 
 wedge, driving the masses and the classes farther apart. This is 
 a debatable question so far as the social lines are stretched, but 
 not by any means true so far as the comforts of the masses are 
 concerned. 
 
 One must be very stupid in history not to know that the 
 comforts of the people from year to j^ear have immensely im- 
 proved, and that the poorest laboring man now lives in a more 
 healthy house than a king did a few hundred years ago, whose 
 home would have given a dog the rheumatism in twenty-four 
 hours. To show the progress of the world would be a very large 
 contract; our question is that of steamboats, but any one who 
 has the desire to post up can do so at a small expense in a book 
 
87 
 
 by John W. Draper showing the conflict between religious fanat- 
 icism and science in bettering the condition of man. 
 
 There is no such a thing as a millennium on this little earth, 
 and so long as man remains to be the same customer, whom the 
 German poet Schiller calls half beast and half angel, there never 
 will be one. For a just comparison with the present time let us 
 slip back once more to those good old times (the people are not 
 what they used to be) on steamboats when the cabin boys had to 
 freeze their fingers in draAving water with a rope, the deckhands 
 at times had to work the hand pumps all night, hoist the freight 
 out of the hold, work the capstan, all of which work is now done 
 by machinery. 
 
 In those good old humane times our boat is taking on 
 freight, and on the one hand, in the cabin, we have, lounging 
 around on velvet cushions, the classes, troubled with a disease 
 called "Ennui," pronounced ang-we; and on the other the 
 masses, with heavy loads on their backs, lugging the freight, in 
 cold, chilly weather and rain and the mate, with a kind of paddle 
 in his hand, to give the boys a hunch in the short ribs, "Hurry 
 up, boys, be lively, walk right along, get in the freight." 
 
 Now, it does not matter how hard the white men and free 
 negroes are worked, but to. work the slaves to unreasonable hard- 
 ships and exposure, was contrar}^ to the contract of the slave 
 holder; but that is neither here nor there; a few quarts of 
 whiskey and a few foah pens (Fibs and Bits), will snioothen 
 everything over with the slaves. 
 
 The mate does not mean to hurt any one, or strike a man 
 like a mule, but simply gives a gentle reminder to hurry up, and 
 in so doing he knows how hard he can hunch or punch the men 
 
 An American or an Iri.shman will not stand much of a 
 hunch, but the patient German will take a harder punch, and the 
 down-trodden negro takes it as a matter of course, so each 
 
88 
 
 receives a hunch or punch, according to the laws of the adaptation 
 of things. 
 
 Human lyiFE is Cheap. 
 
 The mate is urging onward a double gang of men, walking 
 in opposite directions, empty and loadened, upon stage planks 
 which in those times were supported by trucks, liable to slip 
 apart, endangering men, to fall off, but which now-a-days are 
 made solid and handled by steam power. 
 
 The writer remembers instances where men lost their lives 
 by falling off the planks, one of whom was a negro slave who 
 cost the boat eight hundred dollars; the others were whites and 
 cost nothing. Right here all of a sudden we hear an "Oh," and 
 the next thing a splash; "a man overboard, a man overboard." 
 The news of the accident soon reaches the ears of the owners of 
 the boat and causes a palpitation of their hearts, until the anx- 
 ious inquiry, "Was it a nigger, a nigger?" is answered by "No, 
 he was white, one of the Dutch roustabouts tumbled in with a 
 load on his back." The assurance that it was a Dutchman and 
 no nigger to pay for stopped the fluttering of the heart, leaving 
 it as calm as a summer morning, with a deep sigh, "Poor 
 fellow!" 
 
 In case one was lost overboard the mate would quickly send 
 out men in the yawl to save the person if possible, but in this 
 case it was useless to try to reach the man dragged by the strong 
 current among limbs, roots and snags, and so the boat got off 
 cheap, only having to pay for the load on his back, while the 
 man went free of all charges. It must not for a moment be 
 understood that it was only the poor deck hands who were at 
 times subject to such hardships, for as has been mentioned the 
 officers of a boat never dodged hardships, and in this case the 
 first mate, second mate, second clerk and watchman are in the 
 harness like the men, and more so in case of a dangerous, 
 
89 
 
 stormy night, the captain himself would brave the rough ele- 
 ments till daylight with greater exposure than a roustabout. As 
 this man cannot be recalled from his watery grave, the mate 
 calls, "Come ahead, boys, the poor fellow is gone. Come, we 
 must get in the freight," and to raise the drooping spirits of the 
 boys, he sends to the bar for a stimulant, and after it comes to 
 hand sets his men an example of what the river men call a 
 "horn" or a "snort." "Here is to my bully boys," which 
 meets with general favor; while none of the Germans or Ameri- 
 cans refuse a snort, they remain silent, but the mercury of the 
 Irishman is up to time, "Bully for our mate; he is a white man. 
 every inch of him," and the darkies, "Bully for massa mate, he 
 hab a kind heart." 
 
 So after this spur of civilization, which is so injurious and 
 deadly, and in some cases beneficial, had been applied to the 
 flanks of labor, some of the Irish soon feel the effect, and with a 
 load on their backs began to sing, "The only girl who enticed 
 me is Irish Molly O," and the jolly darkey, "I is gwine to New 
 Orleans to see my yellow gall," etc. 
 
 After the freight has all been taken on board the captain 
 taps the bell — all ready — pulls in the stage plank, tells the pilot 
 to give her a lick back on the larboard and a turn ahead on the 
 starboard, and out she goes. 
 
 The deck hands are now relieved for a number of days, and 
 have comparatively nothing to do until the beat reaches port, 
 and some of the most provident may change their water-soaked 
 clothing. Some, however, have none to change, and most will 
 manage to dry out at the deck stove or creep under the steam 
 boilers to thaw out and warm up. Now when the hardships of 
 the men have left off, the heavy responsibility and care of the 
 officers begins, to stand their regular watch, with the value of 
 the boat, the cargo and perhaps upward of two hundred souls in 
 
90 
 
 their hands, makes their mental anxietj" greater than the labor 
 of their hands. 
 
 The danger of the pilot sinking the boat, and of the engineer 
 blowing her up, are no positions for child's pla}^, and aside from 
 that a pilot in those days \\dthout a stove in the pilot house at 
 the helm at night with the boat plunging through a piercing 
 wind, meant chilled limbs and cold fingers; the captain on the 
 hurricane deck, crouching near one of the chimneys, protected 
 with a kind of screen and one of the mates at the bow, without 
 any protection, looking for logs and snags, were no Fourth of 
 July picnics. 
 
 lyKisuRK Hours op Deck Hands. 
 
 The men being at leisure would pass their time in various 
 ways, play cards, sing, dance, lounge around, tell anecdotes, spin 
 yarns, etc. Sometimes some of these men w^ere well educated, 
 understood I^atin, Greek, French, German and English, and they 
 as adventurous characters had left their fatherland to try their 
 luck in the new world. They soon made the discovery that at 
 first they must bite into the bitter apple to earn a few pennies, 
 and stand their chance to get something more genteel in the 
 future. 
 
 They often join some kind of a religious sect on the strength 
 of their learning and slip in as a preacher, to expound and ex- 
 plain the Gospel, or in case of a pinch, would start a lager beer 
 saloon or a barber shop. Quite a number of these customers can 
 be found scattered throughout the country in pulpits and in lager 
 beer saloons. They do not deny, but are proud of their 
 career, and to say the least, this ought to make good cam- 
 paign thunder in running for office in the Western States and 
 give one an immense prestige — to have been a roustabout on a 
 steamboat ! 
 
91 
 
 A Re;markabi.e Character Known as Hansal — A 
 Conspiracy, 
 
 The men being at leisure are sitting around on boxes, planks 
 and barrels, squirting their tobacco juice against the hot stove 
 to have the further benefit of its fumes, talking various matters 
 over, as it is quite natural. As they sit talking about New 
 Orleans, theatres, balls, cock-pits, handsome women, one word 
 brings on another, and thej^ finally switch over on the peculiar 
 arrangement of man's social condition, of the injustice of the 
 classes against the masses. 
 
 And by the way let us introduce a very interesting character 
 by the name of Hansal, a roustabout, often called "Dutch," be- 
 cause he speaks German. He is, however, a Swiss, was found 
 at a convent as a waif when very young with a slit in his ear as 
 a birth-mark, for his mother to know her son in after years, on 
 the principle of a farmer marking his pigs to know his stock. 
 
 He has no idea about his father like some other people, and 
 perhaps never will know his mother, and does not like the idea of 
 being advertized in Switzerland with a slit in his ear to find her. 
 
 He is of medium height, tips the scales at about two hun- 
 dred and eighty, is hardy and hale, never refuses a glass of lager 
 or a mess of oysters, and is a firm believer in the philosophy of 
 Sancho Panza that the stomach upholds the heart. He is well 
 educated, shrewd, and as cunning as a fox, never allows himself 
 to sing a song of sorrow, but takes things as they are, and even 
 thanks the Lord for the snug arrangement of all things — fine 
 French cafes, good German lager beer and Baltimore oysters — and 
 says, "What blessings thy free bounty gives us; let me not cast 
 away," 
 
 He is a natural born hypocrite, doing anything to accom- 
 plish his object. In the winter he steamboats, with a slick 
 tongue to blarney up the oflicers and captain, and shirks labor, 
 
92 
 
 and in the heat of the summer he lounges around on camp-meet- 
 ing grounds with the Pennsylvania Dutch, talking up religion, 
 nursing and bragging up the children; and in case of a pinch, 
 going on the mourner's bench to get his square meals. 
 
 As the question is up about the wrongs of the masses, he is 
 sitting astride of a barrel among the crew with one eye blind to 
 hear what they have to say; and he helps them on, but is shrewd 
 enough to be conservative in the end, and makes himself solid 
 with the boat, letting others pull the chestnuts out of the fire 
 with some of their indiscreet remarks. 
 
 To work up their feelings he speaks of the upper crust peo- 
 ple of the cabin, how little they took things to their hearts when 
 poor Dutch Fritzie tumbled off the stage plank and plunged into 
 a watery grave. "Yes," says Hansal, "just see for yourself the 
 religious hypocrisy of these people; how ready they are to offer 
 up cheap prayers for the laboring men, but how slow to open 
 their purses and give him a helping hand." (All nod their 
 heads, saying "You are right, you are right.") "Yes," says 
 Hansal, "the men on land who raise the grapes and press out the 
 juice get the last rinsing of the barrel while others drink the 
 wine, and the poor deck hands who work in the rain all night 
 stand a good chance to get hard tack, tough steak and black 
 coffee for breakfast." (Exactly so, exactly so.) 
 
 I tell you men the world needs to be hit on the head with a 
 sledge hammer, "Teach me to feel another's woe," to remember 
 this sentence out of the Pope's Universal Prayer. 
 
 Mr. Hansal, to make himself solid, adds, "The owners of 
 this boat and the captain have kind hearts for the laboring man, 
 as an exception to the general rule." 
 
 In reply to this an Irishman speaks his mind, "I consider 
 the owners of the boat a bloody, mean set; they call us quarrel- 
 some Irish because we will not submit to mean treatment; they 
 call us Micks and red mouth, but our mate is a bloody bully 
 
93 
 
 man." But Hansal interrupts, "He has a whole soul, a man 
 every inch of him; a man has a white heart and a kind feeling 
 for the Irishman." Not a friendly voice did we hear last night; 
 the tongue of the night owl was even silent, but we heard the 
 kind words of our mate, with a friendly clap on the shoulder, 
 "Here, boys, is a drop of good liquor; drink, drink boys, I know 
 you duly deserve it." He has kind feeling for the laboring 
 men. 
 
 All the Irish did not exactly view the matter in this light, 
 and in reply to each other had no mincing of words, for all the 
 deck crew use an5^thing but polished language. 
 
 An Irishman known as Pat comes to time, "You stupid 
 blockhead, you talk like a tea-pot; have you really been born in 
 a soap factory and raised in a cow stable and educated like a 
 mule to have no sense at all? The mate gives us a few cents 
 worth of whiskey to forget our brutal labor, that each of us 
 might earn ten dollars for the boat. I came to America to be a 
 free white man and to use my sense; I say if you claim to be 
 a man be a man." (Bully for Pat; he is right, he is right.) 
 
 The next turn is an American, "I say that Pat is right, the 
 officers have no kind feelings for us poor devils; the mate gives 
 us a few drops of cheap whiskey to stupefj- our senses, not that 
 he had any kind feelings tow^ard us. They are nothing but a 
 set of upstarts; I know them all what they are, and who they 
 are, and there is not a white man among them. 
 
 "I remember when the captain was a bootblack; yes, I know 
 the time when he w'ould take a chew of tobacco out of his mouth 
 to put in his hat before a meal, to use it over again after eating. 
 When the head engineer was a second cook, our mate a rousta- 
 bout, the head pilot a deck hand, the clerk a cabin boy; they 
 were the most loud-mouthed about the mean treatment of the 
 deck hands and cabin boys, and now they treat us mean in 
 return. 
 
94 
 
 "While they lay on soft beds and eat on a good table with 
 servants to wait on them, we have neither bed nor table. We 
 must use tlie soft side of a board for a bed, and we are called to 
 our meals like a farmer calls his cattle, 'grub pile, grub pile, 
 boys,' dished up in iron troughs, without a knife, fork, plate or 
 cup. 
 
 "We have no one to blame but ourselves for our mean treat- 
 ment; we have the boat owners in our power; all we have to do 
 is to demand higher wages and better treatment and all stick 
 together, to set our price, hours of labor and our grub. At the 
 port of New Orleans we can get five hundred men to agree with 
 us, and let the steamboat owners know what is trump, and if 
 they refuse our demands we will tie up all the boats on the 
 levee; and we are a stupid set of dunces, blockheads, if we don't 
 stick together; we have the boats in our power. I ask you one 
 and all, what say you? Do you claim your soul as your own? 
 Do you claim to be white men? I^et every man speak out if he 
 claims to be white." 
 
 A German, "Do you mean by white an American born?" 
 An Irishman, "If a man is born in a cow-stable, will that 
 make him a calf?" (A great uproarious laughter; bully for Pat, 
 bully for Pat.) The speaker corrects his indiscreet use of the 
 word white, which in those days only meant an American. 
 
 "I mean a white principle, a man with a white heart, be he 
 German or Irish, and I will further say my grandfather was an 
 Irishman and my mother a German; we all come from foreign- 
 ers, and I would call any man of white principles my brother." 
 
 A grizzly-headed old darkey. "Do you call the nigger your 
 brother and white?' * 
 
 "A nigger may be white if he has a white heart, and a 
 white man may be a nigger if his heart is black. It is under- 
 stood we are all friends. By the Declaration of Independence- 
 
95 
 
 you were born free, and the reason you are slaves is because you 
 don't stick together, and I will here say to you colored men that 
 if you will help us to stop the freight we will help you off to 
 Canada, where every colored man is free, and from there you can 
 go to Africa, where you can live without labor and have lots of 
 wives. I am pleading the cause for you; it grieves me to see the 
 patient, honest German, the whole-souled generous Irishman and 
 the jolly good-natured colored man treated so mean. I say shall 
 we all stick together as friends?' ' 
 
 The idea of being set free, to live without labor and to have 
 lots of wives met a general approval with most of the darkies, 
 but the old grizzly darkey shook his head, "Dis chile can't see 
 it," and began, "I say, niggers, am you willen to hear what dis 
 nigger had hab to say?" (All — say on, say on.) 
 
 "Weel, if you all dink dat niggers am a fool to be hum- 
 bugged you am mistaken. Dis niggah am an old chicken and 
 dis poah white drash need not come around mit der foolen." 
 
 The words of "poor white drash" are offensive to some. 
 ("Hush up you black nigger," "Kick him out, kick him out," 
 while others, "Let the man speak, go on, go on.") 
 
 "I sees it am alright to call dis colored man nigger, but it 
 am wrong to call die whites poah white drash. I ax you if die 
 poah white man am any better den a nigger, who hab to work 
 mit a nigger in die rain all night? I ax again what am die use 
 of schoolen, what am die use of being free, when die free nigger 
 hab to work mit die white man in die rain and mud all night? 
 
 "When I whar mit massa (master, sometimes named maus- 
 da), in die Nord, I seed hundreds of die poah whites mit dar 
 black faces in die shops and dar greasy aprons on. Massa ax 
 me what am die difference twixt a poah white man and a nigger, 
 and I shakes my head. He ax me 5'ou want to be free, and I 
 shake my head. Die poah white man, mit his greasy apron on, 
 will not make us free." 
 
96 
 
 One of the negroes, 'The lyord will make us free," 
 
 "I is willin' to listen to a nigger when he talks sense; the 
 Lord will not make us free, foah if he am gwine to make us free 
 dar am no use to put it off so long. 
 
 That nigger am a fool on 'ligion; dis child hab seen the hum- 
 bug; when I war mit massa in die Nord I hear die white man 
 preach; he call us colored men, dat slavery am wrong, dat in 
 heaven all am equal; and what I hears dem preach in die Soud, 
 slavery am right, and da calls us niggers, and if we am good 
 niggers and don't steal die chickens we go to the kitchen in 
 heaven; den I hear die nigger women shout 'Glory, glory.' 
 
 "Die rich massas of die Nord will make us free; Massa 
 Greeley, Massa Sumner and oder massas, who write big news- 
 papers, big books and make dem big speeches in die Congress 
 will make us free. 
 
 "Dat am all foolin' about Africa; a poah nigga will hab to 
 work anywhar, and hab trouble mit one wife anywhar; a rich 
 nigga need not work anywhar, and can hab lots of wives any- 
 whar. Now I say befoah die conclusion, if a free nigger hab to 
 work in die mud and die rain all night mit die white man, dis 
 child don't want to be free, I sooner hab a mausda, and now I 
 hab done told you what dis nigga hab to say." 
 
 The few remarks of this experienced grizzle-headed negro 
 had its due effect to cool off the younger darkies, and as a matter 
 of course it takes but little to work up the mercurial Irishman to 
 strike for his rights; but to work up the iron blood of the Ger- 
 mans is, as a rule, slow business. 
 
 There was already a great prejudice by the laboring classes 
 against foreign labor, and especially against the Germans, who 
 were held to be stupidly honest, as working for nothing; and the 
 writer is sorry to say that their good name, for honesty and their 
 conservative ways, have of late years been blurred by anarchy 
 and rank socialism. 
 
97 
 
 But we must take into consideration that there is no sun- 
 shine without a shadow and no stately mansion without its 
 sewer. 
 
 The Great Social Problem from a Sociological 
 Standpoint. 
 
 New countries are settled up by men of desperate fortunes, 
 and as a matter of course the entire American people were either 
 poor themselves or their ancestors were poor. 
 
 There is scarcely one drop of royal blood in the whole 
 American nation unless it be from royal sewerage, a miserable 
 bankrupt or a debauch from the penitentiary. This was our 
 royal stock up to about the first years of the forties, but since 
 then, it is said, in some few cases, our common blood has been 
 duly mongreled in marriage for "American gold" with pure 
 genuine Royal titles, in most cases honor without substance. 
 
 There being no duty on the exportation of Royal blood, the 
 Royal scion, just so soon the mongrel tie is over, with the 
 "American gold" and the woman, skips off to Europe to let 
 Uncle Sam look down his nose, with the cold shoulder of his 
 Royal highness, and minus so much cash. 
 
 Now if the Americans are all of the laboring classes, all 
 "born free and equal," why are they so unequal? As the darkey 
 remarked in the foregoing speech, "What am die use of being 
 free when die free nigger hab to work mit die white man in die 
 rain and mud all night?" 
 
 Aside from some parts of the world where the ruling 
 power may punish a man or even chop off his head for refusing 
 to work for the government, in all European countries man is 
 perfectly free to work for whom he pleases, for as much as he 
 pleases and as long as he pleases, with the same glorious privi- 
 lege in the United States. 
 
The third cook described, standing in the slop and slush up 
 to his knees, and the mate prodding and goading the men in the 
 short ribs, working in the mud and rain, are all free as far as 
 labor is concerned, but are very unequal in comparison to others 
 on the same boat in point of ease and comfort. We have a 
 question before us now for every thinking man to take fully into 
 consideration. 
 
 We are all dealing with a time when the ink was scarcely 
 dry on the Declaration of Independence, saying that all men are 
 born free and equal; and the government was formed by the 
 masses instead of the classes, who did not leave a stone unturned 
 to put all men on an equality before the law, and even drag them 
 down on one common level; no one to have a title. 
 
 We are standing at the threshold of a new country, rich and 
 productive, with an abundance of everything, and why is it from 
 the canvass we have shown, Life on the Western Rivers, that 
 men were so unequal ? 
 
 Lincoln himself, when he was "roughing it" on a flat boat, 
 was a free man with the masses and unequal with the classes, and 
 in after years as President, stood more than equal with both 
 masses and classes. The inequality of men now-a-days is blamed 
 on the monopolies, trusts, millionaires, manufacturing, robber- 
 barons, etc. 
 
 But in olden times there was no such a thing west of the 
 Allegheny mountains, aside from the struggle for existence, for 
 .he stronger in business would drive the weaker to the wall. 
 
 The explanation seems to be, that in the formation of a 
 government, it is a small matter to build castles in the air or to 
 fix up a splendid arrangement with paper and ink; but in reality 
 no civilized country has ever existed without the masses bearing 
 the burden of the classes. 
 
 Civilization has a saddle to fit the rider, and Thomas Jeffer- 
 son who, it is said, was tinctured with French Revolutionary 
 
99 
 
 theories, had his foot in the stirrup as one of the classes when he 
 wrote the Declaration of Independence. 
 
 That the rich ride the poor is not only true in a figurative 
 sense, but is true in an actual sense. In climbing Pike's Peak in 
 America the donkey has to bear the burden, but in some parts of 
 the world poor men make it their business to carry the tourists, 
 on a saddle made to fit the back, like a donkey, and about the 
 only difference is that the rider needs no spurs. 
 
 Now, it would beyond question be a good idea for some of 
 the modern wise-acres, on a calm May day, with smiling flowers, 
 singing birds and gentle breezes, for the purpose of forming a 
 new millennium of a government, to take one of these rides for 
 the conception of new and grand ideas, with a note book in his 
 hand, to catch the bright sparks of thought as he would reach 
 the purer atmosphere on the mountain, and then fix up a regular 
 bonanza for the laboring men. 
 
 Milk of Kindness a Faii^ure. 
 
 How honest Abe I^incoln got his idea, "A government of 
 the people, by the people and for the people," is not known, but 
 it is possible that these thoughts came to him while taking a 
 little rest for reflection as he was mauling fence rails. 
 
 What a miserable failure man has always made, when he 
 allowed his heart to overflow with the milk of kindness in the 
 formation of a government, for in the end it was null and void 
 and without effect. 
 
 In the formation of any government there are two ugly ques- 
 tions to be disposed of. 
 
 One is a form to drag all men down on one common level, in 
 socialism, which means absolute death to civilization, and the 
 other a form giving the right of individual property, which pro- 
 motes civilization, with masses and classes. 
 
100 
 
 The reason a government of masses and classes has been a 
 success, and socialism a failure, is because it is adopted to fit the 
 true nature of man. I^ike a saddle, made on the upper side to 
 fit the fork and the seat of a man of the classes and the lower 
 side to fit the back of the masses, who bear the burden. 
 
 We find this the rule throughout all nature; all things are 
 shaped, formed to suit the condition of things, as the vegetable 
 and animal kingdoms, and even the minerals in the earth will 
 repel and attract each other, to fit their nature, and man is no 
 exception to this rule; he wears the coat which fits his body. 
 
 Thus we find that plants and animals, the best suited to fit 
 their elements, have been prosperous and survived, while others 
 not suited have died out. 
 
 We find this to be the very same thing with all forms of 
 government which have for the last five thousand years always 
 cut their coat best to fit, and each nation successively after an old 
 pattern of some older nation, "Whatever is, is right." That is, 
 in a state of civilization, things could not be otherwise without 
 masses and classes. 
 
 That all men are bom equal is a very nice piece of cloth in 
 theory, but to find a tailor to cut the coat to fit, in state of civili- 
 zation, is entirely a different question. 
 
 Here we have at the threshold of a bran new Republic, 
 Americans, Germans, Irish and negroes working in the mud and 
 rain to loaden up a steamboat, and so far as equality is concerned 
 in comparison with others, all that which can be said in their 
 favor is that each has an equal load on his back. 
 
 It is certainly an old story, that all civilized society is a 
 gradation of rank, like a pyramid resting on the bottom layer, 
 for in spite of the milk of kindness of man, it can never be 
 otherwise. 
 
 No better illustration can we get than to say a socialistic 
 community is floating down the river on a raft of logs, in which 
 
101 
 
 it is plain to see that all logs are on a dead level, and each bears 
 an equal load, which is true socialism; but when the logs are 
 worked up into lumber to build a steamboat to fit a higher state 
 of society, the bottom must bear the whole load of the deck, 
 cabin, texas and pilot house. 
 
 Man presents himself in a paradoxical way, that which is in 
 one sense held to be a curse is in another a blessing. 
 
 That is, the selfish grasping nature of man for wealth, is 
 often condemned from the pulpit as being a wrong, which in 
 reality, however, is the salt of civilization because it is the main- 
 spring, the spur, the motive power to put life, push and energy 
 in man, with the motive to be able some day to live in ease and 
 ride on the back of another. Nine-tenths in the end are disap- 
 pointed. 
 
 This gives matters a good send off and puts the world in 
 motion, and when this wrongful blessing is curbed, as in social- 
 ism, it kills the life of the brain and the body, for there is no 
 motive to cultivate the mind, and no spur for the muscle, when 
 one must remain on a dead level with Dick, Tom and Harry. In 
 all communities, where the people are about on one common 
 level, there is no progress, which is proven by the German 
 villages, most of which have stood as still as a door nail for the 
 last hundred years, with only one newspaper for the Burger- 
 meister. 
 
 Prejudice Against Foreign IvAbor. 
 
 The wages question does not seem to be generally too well 
 understood, for as already mentioned, Horace Greeley made the 
 truthful remark, "That man was a noble animal, but learned 
 very slow." 
 
 His remark is fully sustained from the fact that scarcely 
 without an exception the great writers of the world change their 
 youthful ideas on this economic question in their older days of 
 
102 
 
 more healthy reflection, to which rule even the great reasoner, 
 Herbert Spencer, was no exception. 
 
 The remark of the German poet Goethe that "Youth is 
 drunkenness without wine." hits the nail square on the head, 
 because Goethe's peculiar drunkenness remains in a man's bones 
 up to about forty; for under that age quite a percentage of men's 
 ideas on some subjects are of very little value. 
 
 Draper holds that man's mind is the strongest at about 
 forty-five; let this be as it may, it is beyond question true that 
 some men would do well to keep their economic ideas on caiptal 
 and labor to themselves until about sixty — ^they would have less 
 to regret. The writer has no higher claim for himself, only being 
 a chip from the world's block, like other men, willing to count 
 his own nose, considers himself fortunate that his younger ideas 
 on the wages question were never published. 
 
 Now, to come to the point, as it has been remarked, there 
 was a great prejudice in those early times against foreign labor. 
 "If we could only keep the Dutch and Irish out of the country a 
 white man could get better wages," was the common remark on 
 steamboats. 
 
 lyittle did it occur to those men that, their policy carried out, 
 would kill the goose which lays the golden egg; that the foreign 
 immigration was the very making of the country, giving the 
 river man his daily bread. 
 
 The Germans and the Irish settled up the hilly lands of the 
 Middle States and the swamps of the West, making the lands of 
 value in farm productions, which were freight for boats; and 
 further, those people used articles of manufacture, thus causing 
 freight on the rivers and giving men employment. 
 
 It is a matter of history that just in exact proportion as the 
 foreign element gave a helping hand to develop the resources of 
 the country, just in that proportion freight and passengers for 
 boats increased, so that there were more boats built in one year 
 
103 
 
 after the country was settled up than in ten years before, which 
 created an increased demand for crews, who got more than 
 double the wages than in olden times. 
 
 On economic principles, neither the increase nor the decrease 
 of the population of a country will add on or take off labor, be- 
 cause the increase of laboring men must in proportion create 
 consumers to make a demand for labor, and the decrease of labor- 
 ing men must proportionately decrease the consumers for less 
 demand for labor. (The gain will presently be shown.) In 
 other words, that is to say, while foreign immigration shuts up 
 one gap of labor, it opens another. 
 
 For instance, in 1882 there were almost 800,000 immigrants 
 (almost equal the manufacturing district of Pittsburgh), and 
 now it certainly stands to reason that all these people had to have 
 hats, shirts, vests, coats, pants, stockings and shoes, etc., and 
 houses, churches, different manufactures of household goods too 
 numerous to mention, and must also eat to live. And in case 
 people open up new farms they must also have sheep, hogs, cows, 
 horses, farming implements, mowers, threshers, reapers, plows, 
 etc,, creating an enormous demand for farm productions and 
 articles of manufacturers, thus giving employment to steamboats 
 and thousands of laboring classes. 
 
 When immigration was the largest there were built in the 
 city of Allegheny 200 houses in one location for foreigners; and 
 assuming that each house cost only $1 ,000, there would be the 
 round sum of $200,000 for the mechanics and laboring men. 
 
 Now the beauty comes in right here — first in time — first in 
 right giving the first inhabitants every advantage over the new 
 comers, who would have to struggle for 5^ears to gather up a few 
 loaves and fishes, and take what they could get, while the old 
 inhabitants had the first pick of the bone. Pittsburgh is called 
 an Irish city, where the Irish descendants are the most promi- 
 nent business men, because they were first; and some of the 
 
104 
 
 Western cities are called Dutch, because the Germans got there 
 first, and of course have the control of business. 
 
 The rule is that a man who comes to America after forty- 
 must only expect to live for his children. 
 
 In those days the descendants of the Irish and those of the 
 Pennsylvania Dutch, as they were called, virtually controlled 
 the river trade in steamboats, as owners, captains, pilots, engi- 
 neers, clerks, mates, while the green, fresh Irishman and Ger- 
 man, had to make the best of it, either as deck hands or 
 roustabouts. Of course there were some foreign-born Irish and 
 German captains, not greenhorns; but only after they had 
 for years gone through the flint-mill. 
 
 Let us revert once more to those men working in the mud 
 and rain, to some of the Germans who speak four different lan- 
 guages and are otherwise well educated, and only get fifteen 
 dollars per month; while the clerk, a Pennsylvania German, gets 
 eighty dollars per month, and is even deficient in one language, 
 and spells the word sugar "shogar;" but all this don't matter, 
 England shipped his ancestors over many years ago; he was here 
 first and the fresh German comes last. 
 
 As a matter of course there are a certain class of improvi- 
 dent people who are not benefited by being here first, more espe- 
 cially the illiterate class of the old slave States, whom the negroes 
 call "die poah white drash," who were always the common 
 laughing stock on boats when employed as deck hands or rousta- 
 bouts, and were simply called "the corn-fed paupers." 
 
 FoRKiGN Immigration. 
 
 It was truly astonishing to see boat-load after boat-load of 
 immigrants arrive at the port of St. Louis, on their way to the 
 Western States, as an immense boom for steamboats. 
 
 But while it is an admitted fact that foreign immigrants 
 have added so largely to develop the resources of the country. 
 
105 
 
 it has also been made the dumping ground of the very lowest 
 paupers and criminal classes of European countries, presenting 
 to the American statesman one of the most difficult problems, 
 how to keep those undesirable customers out. 
 
 Not so very long ago there was a bill pending in Congress 
 to curb this class of people by making the question of education 
 the test of admission. The question, however, is, will it lead 
 to any practicable results? This was vetoed by Cleveland. 
 
 If this principle will be rigidly carried out it will bar out the 
 innocent with the guilty and be a gross injustice to a good class 
 of people, and we must bear in mind that education does not cut 
 much of a figure with a certain class of people, who are other 
 wise very useful and whose services are very much needed. 
 
 For instance if this principle were put to the test on those 
 men who have been described, in packing the freight on the boat, 
 what would be the result? 
 
 Some of the Americans, the Irish and all the negroes would 
 be ruled out of the country, and the educated Germans, with a 
 few others, would have to carry the freight. 
 
 The mere fact that one can write a few sentences of the 
 Conslitutioti does not prove the person to be a useful citizen, 
 and furthermore, the history of the country shows that the best 
 educated foreigners have been the worst revolutionary char- 
 acters. 
 
 Now to come right to the point, a man needs very little ex- 
 perience in life to fail to know that a very large percentage of 
 the people after they get over forty, especially the woman, can 
 scarcely sign their names to a note, deed or mortgage, although 
 educated in their youth, and could not for their lives write out a 
 few sentences of the Constitution. 
 
 The law now in force against the importation of foreign 
 labor, with the yearly addition of about 600,000 foreigners, has 
 been a miserable failure, and should this become a law, will be 
 
106 
 
 impracticable and a failure. The question on a steamboat is, can 
 you render so much valuable service for so much money, and not 
 whether one can write so many sentences of the Constitution, 
 and is the same question on land. 
 
 To keep out foreigners is a very hard nut to crack, because 
 it is based on the struggle for existence; to better his condition 
 man will force his way through iron like a rat and gnaw his way 
 into a corn bin. 
 
 This is shown by the statistics in 1892 was over 600,000, 
 going down on a sliding scale as the hard times began in 1893, 
 to come down to less than one-half in 1895, owing to the in- 
 crease of the manufacturing interests in Europe which gave em- 
 ployment to the people through the low tariff in America. 
 
 The large population of the old worn out and exhausted 
 Europe has become in a true sense a nuisance, and in the Em- 
 pire of China it is still worse, being in about a condition like rats 
 upon an island, eating each other up to make room that others 
 may live; based upon the natural law that animals must eat to 
 live, and whenever a country fails to furnish sufficient sustenance 
 the over plus must die. 
 
 China with her enormous population of 400,000,000, and 
 still more within her environs, is about in this fix; and as a result 
 thousands die for want of proper sustenance. They are said not 
 to be increasing, and to curb the increase of the poor classes, 
 when a female child is born they chop its head off, which is bet- 
 ter than an act of Congress to curb the population. 
 
 Some of the missionary people say that in some parts of the 
 world upwards of 200,000 females are disposed of every year, 
 while in truth this amount does not reach the true number, 
 which is much larger, and it is worthy to note that to convert 
 those people to Christianity will not make rice grow on a rock to 
 feed the people and stop the business. 
 
107 
 
 The natural law has those over populated countries by the 
 throat, with a dead ear to all persuasion to all Christian prayer; 
 and as a matter of self-preservation, the Americans cannot well 
 afford to open the flood gates and have their country overrun 
 with a few hundred millions of these people. 
 
 The great wall of the Empire for protection has been its 
 greatest curse, in over-multiplying the people like rats in 
 security. The American people occupy a ridiculous position in 
 the manner in use to bar the Chinaman out, for on the one hand 
 to please labor, "to keep the yellow pest out," we have an act of 
 Congress, and on the other the entire religious community 
 reaches him the hand of fellowship and is ready to hug and kiss 
 him if he will swape off Confucius for Christ. The Americans 
 are more than enough of a mongrel mixture, with a strong dose 
 of 6,000,000 negroes, to answer all practicable purposes for a 
 mixed people. 
 
 A Struggle op Competition. 
 
 The unequal condition of society on boats, how those once 
 low in rank and poor themselves would treat others of the poor 
 classes, also how all forms of society have failed to hold men on 
 an equal footing having in a measure been set forth, a few words 
 may be said about trusts and trade unions on boats. 
 
 As the common saying competition is the life of trade, it is 
 reasonable to suppose that steamboats were no exception to the 
 general rule, and were subject to the struggle for existence, 
 called "the survivor of the fittest," or in common parlance, "the 
 upper dog gets the bone." The competition between the boats 
 for freight and passengers was in some cases the next thing to an 
 open battle. 
 
 Most ports had a location where passengers would go to take 
 passage, which at Cincinnati was at the foot of Broadway street, 
 and could only be occupied by one boat at a time, and it was 
 
108 
 
 sometimes most remarkable to see two or more boats struggling 
 to get there first, when the boat in port would back out to make 
 room. 
 
 The crews of these fighting boats would work like beavers 
 with both hand and steam power, putting their lines and strong 
 hawsers on a great strain and stretch to pull themselves in the 
 bar and others out, and to be ready at the moment the boat 
 would back out to take the final stretch on the lines, to reach the 
 location under a full head of steam and gain the battle. 
 
 In the fight of competition one of two opposition boats 
 would sometimes hire a band of music to draw passengers, 
 and there were cases where the other would blow its steam whis- 
 tles to drown out the music of the band; it was anything but 
 charming music to the public, but it answered the purpose in 
 competition. 
 
 In fighting to get to be master of certain trades the arrange- 
 ment was exceedingly simple, putting the question to the test by 
 undermining each other by carrying passengers and freight for 
 litt'e or nothing, to see which in the end had the longest pole to 
 knock the persimmons. 
 
 An Old-Fashioned Fight. 
 
 Boatmen like other people would sometimes have a grudge 
 against each other and instead of, as the custom now-a-days on 
 land of fixing matters up with a revolver or a knife, they would 
 fix up a difference of opinion in the old-fashioned way. 
 
 It was considered nothing out of the way, in particular for 
 [WO steamboat captains, to haul off their coats, roll up their 
 sleeves to put the matter to the test, to pound each other until 
 one would cry out, "Hold on I have enough." 
 
 The wharf of Pittsburgh presented a scene at one time, 
 where two wealthy, prominent captains fixed up their difference 
 of opinion exactly in this way; and a case happened where two 
 
109 
 
 boats were rnnning in the same direction one attempted to pass 
 the other, and both boats became locked by the suction. To 
 settle a misunderstanding one of the captains leaped over to the 
 others boat, and while they were exchanging their opinions with 
 their fists the boats separated, to the advantage of the one on his 
 own boat, who on honorable principles threw up the sponge to 
 fight it out on shore. This was on the principle of the Turk, who, 
 it is said, will not take advantage of an enemy in his own house. 
 
 In one sense of the word there were no such thing as a 
 combination, known now-a-days as a trust; and in another sense 
 everything was controlled by monopolies, based upon the strug- 
 gle to be the upper dog in the fight, on the principle of the sur- 
 vivor of the fittest, or what in boatmen's parlance, "The longest 
 pole knocks the persimmons," or another expression used very 
 often, "Every man for himself and the devil for us all." 
 
 Several attempts were made by boat owners to form an 
 organization to uphold the rates of freight, and one in 1855 bid 
 fair to be a success, but they failed to stand up to their agree- 
 ment. 
 
 In a true sense civilization in trade has never been anything 
 else but a trust, in olden times called monopoly, where the long- 
 est pole knocked the persimmons, and the hue and cry against 
 trusts now-a-days has been taken out of the mouth of the Social- 
 ist to limit men in the acquirement of wealth, to cut all poles of 
 the same length; and while these trusts are sore spots in civiliza- 
 tion the question is, by what power on the earth can the}^ be 
 curbed or limited? A trust is simply a partneship of any num- 
 ber, or it may be only of one, if he has a long enough purse to 
 freeze others out, the principle being the same. 
 
 The great objection against trusts is that they buy each 
 other out in the same trade, under an agreement for one to step 
 out for another to have his trade, the whole or in a certain loca- 
 tion, which by the common law is perfectly lawful, so held by 
 
no 
 
 Blackstone, found in his treatise under the head of contracts, 
 "That in consideration that A will not trade to lyisbon, B will 
 not trade to Marseilles," so as to avoid interfering with each 
 other. 
 
 Whether this be either for a home or foreign trade the 
 principle remains the same, for the monopoly to squeeze out the 
 small frys. 
 
 It is a matter of every day occurrence that one tradesman 
 will buy another out, upon the consideration to stay out of the 
 business, and a trust is nothing more than the same thing; the 
 only difference is in the many millions. 
 
 The same principle in syndicates for various enterprises, in 
 railroads, real estate, patents and the like to get the only tight 
 grip with millions to freeze others out, and the law-making 
 power will have a hard nut to crack to curb monopolies, at least 
 the wiseacres of the English Parliament have not succeeded yet, 
 judging from the amount of trusts in 1896 in full blast under the 
 nose of John Bull. 
 
 The truth is all trusts, corporations, syndicates or monopo- 
 lies are very old institutions as part and parcel of civilization, 
 and the only effectual way to curb them is to carry out the 
 socialistic idea to put the whole business on one common level. 
 
 The Longest Pole Knocks the Fruit. 
 
 In olden times there was no such a thing as a trust with 
 steamboats; but any amount of boat owners had the longest pole 
 to reach the persimmons, while those with a short pole had to 
 stand by and look up the tree while others knocked the fruit, 
 and this monopoly was built up strictly suited to fit the true 
 nature of man, to be the upper dog in the fight. 
 
 The Western rivers were free to everybody, and as the 
 country became settled up, numerous trades or packet lines were 
 established, and in accordance with human nature the people 
 
Ill 
 
 living along these different routes would become dissatisfied, cry 
 out "monopoly," often subscribing liberally to start a new line 
 of boats to squeeze the old line out; and in about the first years 
 of the fifties, the people of three Southern States, Maryland, 
 Virginia and Kentucky, subscribed very large sums to build a 
 fine packet of boats to run from I^ouisville to Wheeling, to 
 freeze out the line from Louisville to Cincinnati and from Cin- 
 cinnati to Pittsburgh. 
 
 In 1869 there was a big fight between Louisville and Cin- 
 cinnati, where the dissatisfied people along the route were stock- 
 holders in a new company; but in all those cases, too numerous 
 to mention, those who had established the trade generally had 
 the longest pole to reach the upper limbs for the fruit. 
 
 In modern times for one to freeze the other out is to put 
 down the price, and in those days it was to put down the fare, 
 with a sign up, "Fifty cents to Cincinnati," what the river men 
 call "To settle the hash," to see who could hold out the longest. 
 
 In low water the small low water boats which had been 
 merely picking up the crumbs had the longest pole, and charged 
 double fare, and sometimes one dollar per hundred for freight, 
 but this rich harvest was crippled up after the railroads came in 
 use; but heavy tonnage was in the course of time carried by 
 boats with barges in tow, so that one boat would take out in one 
 trip 12,000 tons and entirely root the little fellows out, leaving 
 them out in the cold. 
 
 In those olden times the coal was shipped from Pittsburgh 
 in cheap flat boats, which required comparatively small capital; 
 but this business was entirely changed by the introduction of 
 coal barges which were towed by boats, where one boat woulc 
 tow a large fleet of barges, which were brought back when 
 empty, a great saving of expense over the old way, but requir- 
 ing a great deal more capital, so that the little fry had to stay 
 out of the coal business. 
 
112 
 
 Co-operation on Boats a Failure. 
 
 A co-operation is nothing more nor less than a partnership, 
 and the only difference is while partnerships as a rule only have 
 a few members, co-operations are sometimes composed of a very 
 large number, all as a rule active working members. 
 
 All partnerships and co-operations of a large number as a 
 rule have been a failure aside from joint stock companies, where 
 the stockholders must remain silent and must submit to the 
 management of the business by only a few, according to certain 
 rules. 
 
 It is quite natural to suppose that river men were like 
 human nature on land, and in their opinion by their labor and 
 hardships were making others rich, and, as reasonable beings, 
 should club together, make a common pot of their means to 
 build a new boat, and all work together to have the benefit of 
 their own labor. Boats were often built on this plan, and it is 
 noteworthy to observe that those who were the most loud- 
 mouthed about the grasping rich boat owners, were selfishness 
 to the very bone, to talk others in for their benefit, to get the 
 best paying positions. 
 
 Outside of the common crew a boat had room for about 
 from ten to twelve paying positions in different gradations from 
 the captain downwards, to be distributed among the co-operators, 
 each to have good wages to fit the grade of his situation, and his 
 share of the profit to the size of the stock. 
 
 On paper this was all fair enough, but just in exact propor- 
 tion as the number of owners of a boat were large, just in that 
 proportion the final outcome was a failure and end under the 
 sheriff's hammer. 
 
 Paper and ink in an article of a co-operation agreement to 
 work together for the common interest of all was one thing, but 
 the selfish, envious nature of man was an entirely different 
 
113 
 
 thing; every man knew best how the boat ought to be managed, 
 and, further, some would demand better accommodations in the 
 bed rooms and a better table for their own benefit at the expense 
 of the stockholders. 
 
 The difference of opinion was a constant bickering, fault- 
 finding and back-biting among the owners; and in case the boat 
 lost money, some had to bear all the blame; "I told you so, I 
 told you so," and if the boat made money, each held that he 
 was making others rich by his own good management, and it 
 was nothing more than fair to freeze some of the owners out, so 
 that the best men would have the sole income of their labor and 
 good management. 
 
 So consequently in a very short time but a few would own 
 the boat, either going under the hammer or freezing each other 
 out by some means — the history of all co-operations. 
 
 Now-a-days entire packet lines are owned by chartered 
 stock companies, which are not by any means co-operations, 
 where small stockholders claim a large amount of stock to rule 
 others. Another cause why co-operations and other associations 
 must necessarily end in disappointment is because, owing to the 
 struggle in competition as shown by reliable statistics, there are 
 only about five per cent, of business men who make more than a 
 mere living; and after those who have failed the first time, the 
 second time in business the successful ones are said to be about 
 ten per cent. 
 
 Man presents a strange contradiction with the constant 
 harping of the labor associations, of the selfish, grasping wrongs 
 of the robber-barons manufacturers, when the laboring man is a 
 chip of the same block, and his complaints, as like the pot call- 
 ing the kettle black, because by his own grasping selfishness he 
 makes a successful co-operation impossible. 
 
 There is another contradiction in man's nature; while his 
 selfishness on the one hand may be called an evil and on the 
 
114 
 
 other a great blessing, because it is the great spur of action to 
 keep the world moving, as clearly shown when there are only a 
 few partners they are the most likely to all pull together, having 
 the sole benefit of their own selfishness, but when there are 
 many this blissful evil is cut short and leaves man without any 
 incentive push. 
 
 The most successful and best managed boats in olden times 
 on the upper Ohio were commanded by a certain class of cap- 
 tains, who, judging by their names, must have been Pennsyl- 
 vania Germans — such names as Beltzhofer, Kleinf elder, Ebbert, 
 Anschutz, Martin, Commodore Konns and the Poe Brothers, the 
 descendants of Adam Poe, who killed the Indian Bigfoot. 
 
 There is an instance, however, where a German was named 
 O'Brien and an Irishman Luther. 
 
 No Regular Unions in Olden Times. 
 
 There were no regular trade unions among the crews of the 
 different boats to uphold their wages, but there was a rate of 
 wages established for the different positions, governed by the 
 size of the boat and the trade it was in, and any who would hire 
 out under the rule as an under-minder, on land called a scab, 
 stood a good chance to get a wholesome thrashing and a black 
 eye; so the boys were on their guard not to under-mind. 
 
 The writer has no recollection that there ever was a general 
 strike of all the crews on boats (with exceptions as will be ex- 
 plained). Only at times in the fall and spring, when the naviga- 
 tion opened up to create a large demand for crews, they would 
 demand higher wages, which they would get for a short time, 
 until the supply of labor would be greater than the demand. 
 
 Pilots' Strike. 
 
 The pilots, of which there were a limited number, under- 
 stood the business not to increase that number; had their own 
 
115 
 
 way in setting their own price of wages, and since there never 
 has been a single exception since the day of Adam that man 
 would always abuse his power, it is reasonable to suppose that 
 the pilots would take all that they could get and look for more. 
 
 For boating in those times was not all sunshine and money 
 making; boats at times were only too willing to run if they could 
 only make expenses to pay the crew, but owing to the wages of 
 the pilots, the boats at times were forced to tie up and throw 
 from thirty to forty men out of employment. 
 
 Now in view of these facts, to curb the demands of the 
 pilots, about in the year of 1854, at St. I^ouis, some of the boat 
 owners and captains held a meeting to put the wages of the 
 pilots down a few pegs, and for all the captains to stick together 
 and not to pay these high wages. 
 
 The pilots on the other hand to straighten the matter up 
 went about in a very simple kind of a way, without anj'^ rigama- 
 role, President, Secretary, paper or ink and without any blarney, 
 gave each other the blink, held a meeting, talked the question 
 over and drew cuts with the understanding that whoever would 
 get the right number must give the ringleader of the captains, 
 who undertook to put down their wages, a real good wholesome 
 thrashing. 
 
 The one of the pilots, who got the lucky number, came up 
 to the scratch to fulfill his mission like a man; walked up quietly 
 to the captain, politely made known his errand, and without any 
 further blarney hauled off his coat to go about it in a business- 
 like manner. As a matter of course it became a game at which 
 two could work, but who came out the upper dog in the fight the 
 writer did not learn. 
 
 The writer will mention again that in honor of the old 
 "timers," of river men, they followed the good example of 
 Washington and lyincoln, never to fix up their differences of opin- 
 ion with knives or pistols, for an)' one who used these weapons 
 
116 
 
 was branded as a dirty coward. It is worthy to note, however, 
 that in the progress of Western civilization, in the years of the 
 fifties, some began to use knives and revolvers. 
 
 The dealings between men, the justice and the injustice, is 
 simply a question how one has the other by the throat, and as to 
 the tightness of the grip to squeeze another dry. 
 
 The position as engineer was equally as important as a pilot, 
 requiring years of learning; but the engineers never took the 
 advantage of a boat, and the reason beyond question, based upon 
 human nature, was because the supply was greater than the 
 demand. 
 
 Laws to Govern Steamboats to Prevent Sinking, 
 Explosions Etc. 
 
 For the last forty years there have been numerous acts of 
 Congress, as rules and regulations for boats, to guard against ex- 
 plosions, fire, sinking, etc. No one will for a moment hold that 
 river men are an exception not to be governed by law; and to 
 point out how the law has in many cases failed, is no argument 
 against it, because that is the common history the whole world 
 over. As Herbert Spencer says, "Man in making a law is like 
 one striking an iron to take out the crook, and as a rule will 
 strike it in the wrong place;" and De Jacqueville, the well known 
 French writer, says, "Republics are constantly making new laws; 
 the result is many laws and many failures." 
 
 Man's knowledge without experience is of little or no value, 
 which will be shown how the laws to prevent explosions, fire and 
 sinking of boats have failed. 
 
 There have been a thousand and one theories advanced by 
 scientists and others as to the cause of explosions, but so far 
 there are only a few rules known to be of any value. These are 
 that an old-fashioned cylinder boiler without flues is the most 
 safe, and that a flue boiler is more dangerous, and that a tubular 
 
117 
 
 boiler (small tubes) is the most dangerous, and it is held that all 
 boilers are safe with enough water, with a reasonable limit of a 
 high pressure of steam. 
 
 Aside from these rules the opinion of the chambermaid is of 
 as much value as those of men of science, for man's only true 
 knowledge is from experience, to which rule the wise Senators 
 and the members of the House are no exception, who by an act 
 forced boats to attach to 3 boiler a tube filled with an alloy 
 which would melt a certain degree of heat, which, however, like 
 the negroe's gun, failed to go off, and became so hard that it was 
 difficult to cut it out with a cold chisel. 
 
 These are facts known, which contradict the general idea of 
 the cause of explosions. One of the prevailing ideas was that 
 the engineers allowed the safety valve to rust in not letting off 
 the steam at a high pressure, which was not the case, because in 
 olden times the safety valve was in constant use, being the prin- 
 cipal means by which the engineer would let off a high pressure 
 of steam, and yet boats did "blow up." 
 
 It would be a great curiosity if some of those old timers of 
 boats had been preserved to be exhibited in a museum to show 
 the progress of the times; how everything has changed by new 
 improvements; and right here the steamboat engineers are enti- 
 tled to an honorable mention, that the greatness of a nation is 
 always judged by its inventions and not by wind-mill speeches 
 of Congress. 
 
 The writer made his debut on boats only in 1844, but had 
 the full benefit of boats built in the early years of the thirties, 
 which were still in use, to take items of the management of the 
 engineers. 
 
 In those times the escaping steam of the "scape pipes" on , 
 some boats could be heard fully ten miles, and the noise of the 
 safety valve and the steam whistles attached to the boilers were 
 an intolerable nuisance; whenever the engineer would let off 
 
118 
 
 steam or blow the whistle people would leap up and stick their 
 fingers in their ears. The great noise of the old time boats, at 
 times in running races with flames shooting out of their chim- 
 neys, lashing and foaming the rivers, undoubtedly gave birth to 
 the remarks of Henry Clay, in one of his great tariff speeches 
 on home industry, "'The underbrush has been cleared out and 
 boats are now plying on the Ohio River with lightning flashes 
 and thunder." 
 
 It is said that there is no such a thing as an original idea, 
 that all ideas have a starting point; and it seems that Lincoln got 
 a blurt while traveling on boats without cotton in his ears with 
 the racket and noise, which evidently gave him the thought that 
 his opponent in a case in court, full of bluster and blow, reminded 
 him of a little Sangamon River boat which had a five foot boiler 
 and a seven foot whistle, that whenever the whistle was blown 
 the engines had to stop working. 
 
 All this noisy uproaring thunder has been overcome by the 
 inventive genius of the steamboat engineers; the whistle is now 
 attached to the pilot house; the gruff puffs of the "scape pipe" 
 is smothered low, and the harsh grating steam of the safety valve 
 is now led off in silence. 
 
 In conformity with the new evolutionary doctrine step by 
 step the engineers made improvements, so that the pressure 
 of steam can now be told by a glance at the steam guage, which 
 in olden times was judged by the number of monkey wrenches 
 the engineer had hanging on a string to pull down the safety 
 valve. 
 
 The boilers in those daj-s were supplied with cold water by 
 pumps worked by the engines, and so if the boat would lay to, 
 any length of time, the boilers would in some cases go dry and 
 necessitate the pumping up by hand; but often in such cases if 
 the least bit of moisture was still visible in the boiler some 
 engineers would run the risk and start to pump up with the 
 
119 
 
 engines, which danger is now-a-days avoided by a small engine 
 "called the "Doctor," which is constantly in motion to pump the 
 water. 
 
 Cause op Explosions Only Interesting to Engineers. 
 
 There seems to be a misunderstanding as to the quantity of 
 water to prevent an explosion. Some engineers hold that a 
 boiler cannot explode with plenty of water, which theory is con- 
 tradicted by an actual experimental test near Pittsburgh some 
 years ago, the results of which were extensively published by 
 the newspapers, that a boiler was exploded with plenty of water 
 at about 350 pounds pressure. 
 
 Little or low water does not seem to be so very dangerous, 
 according to the personal observation of the writer, remembering 
 distinctly where a reckless dare devil of an engineer undertook 
 to pass another boat, and to obtain a high pressure told the fire- 
 men, "Shove her up, boys, give her h ; I will turn the water 
 
 off." 
 
 And in another instance where the head engineer found the 
 water very low sent the "striker," (fourth engineer), to turn on 
 more water, who turned the water entirely off by mistake, yet 
 in neither of these cases was there an explosion. 
 
 Very little water or no water at all seems not by itself to be 
 sufficient to cause an explosion, because the experiment has been 
 tried to force water in an empty red-hot boiler, and to the aston- 
 ishment of everybody, nothing but a wrenching of the joints 
 took place. 
 
 The truth of the matter is with a little common sense 
 (which is science), it is simply a question of sufficient force, and 
 on common sense reflection, a number of red-hot plates do not 
 contain enough heat to generate sufficient steam to overcome the 
 strength of the boiler. 
 
120 
 
 The whole question is simply one of sufl&cient force, and 
 when this force is developed slowly and gradually, a boiler like 
 in hydraulic tests will give way on the weak spots, to collapse the 
 flues, or sometimes burst the burnt plates in the furnace. 
 
 It was nothing uncommon in olden times for boats to have 
 old worn-out rusty steam boilers, where the engineer would 
 drive wooden wedges in the joints to keep in the steam, which 
 would sometimes give way as explained, but they did not 
 explode. 
 
 Evidences seem to point that explosions are caused by some 
 instantaneous development of some force, to explode both weak 
 and strong, and the stronger the boiler the more terrible the ex- 
 plosion, which may be caused in different ways. 
 
 The experiment near Pittsburgh mentioned was on the prin- 
 ciple of suddenly relieving the water of a great pressure by 
 letting off the steam, to create a great volume of steam in the 
 mere blink of an eye as the theory of some, or it may have been 
 the sudden unequal strain of the boiler, like forcing water in a 
 boiler almost dry under a great pressure, not because it creates 
 more steam, but because it creates a vacuum, causing an enor- 
 mous unequal strain of the boiler by an inside force and the 
 outside pressure of the atmosphere. 
 
 The cause of explosions up to date are only theories, but by 
 the test of common sense some theories seem more plausible 
 than others. 
 
 The great scientist, A. Privat Deschanal, admits that a 
 safety valve is only of use in a gradual increase of pressure, but 
 liable to fail "where there is a sudden generation of a large 
 quantity of steam." He believes, however, in a hydraulic test, 
 "as it obviates the risks of explosion." 
 
 Now a steamboat engineer must admit a weak place in a 
 boiler and the safety valve are exactl}' on the same principle. 
 
121 
 
 both will give way under a gradual increase of force, and neither 
 will prevent an explosion in an instantaneous creation of force. 
 
 The boilers of the steamer Percy Kelsey, which exploded 
 January 8, 1898, a few miles below Pittsburgh, had stood tensile 
 strength — a high hydraulic test. 
 
 Acetylene an Explosive Gas. 
 
 As already remarked a thousand and one theories have been 
 advanced as the cause of explosions, among which the generation 
 of explosive gases have often been held as sending a boiler off 
 like gunpowder. 
 
 Some experts before Investigating Committees have testified 
 that a hot boiler with little water would generate a gas called 
 Oxygen, which was putting the cart before the horse, for in 
 accordance with true science, a very small amount of gas called 
 hydrogen might be created, (Oxygen forming an Oxide of iron,) 
 with not enough force to lift the lid of a teakettle. 
 
 Yet we can build up a very plausible theory that some form 
 of explosive gases may be generated in a boiler, something in the 
 nature of Acetylene, from the scales which are formed, contain- 
 ing variable combinations of Carbonate of Calcium, as fully ex- 
 plained by Eliot and Storer's Inorganic Chemistry. These are 
 the same substances, in a measure, out of which Acetylene is 
 made. 
 
 Now the question is, Will a boiler with a little water, with 
 red-hot plates above the furnace, generate this gas, or will it do 
 so when the water is in a Spheroidal state, what the engineers 
 call foaming? 
 
 To put the matter to test, is an experiment worth trying? 
 One must bear in mind, however, that all rivers do not form the 
 same scales; some waters are so highly charged with Carbonate 
 of Calcium that they are totally unfit for steam boilers. 
 
122 
 
 Acetylene is mentioned as having a very strong odor, which 
 reminds the writer of a certain man who some years ago ex- 
 plained his experience with explosions, and said, "Before a 
 boiler blows up there is always a strong smell I at one time 
 saved my life by getting away in time;" but this is no proof that 
 it was Acetylene. 
 
 It must be distinctly understood to give a full, clear expla- 
 nation of the reasons and whys of the mentioned points on ex- 
 plosions, in which the general public takes no interest, would re- 
 quire too much space, and it is a very small matter for a j^oung 
 engineer to become well informed by consulting the books in the 
 free public libraries. 
 
 The knowledge of steam is only a link of other scientific 
 questions, and one can get a starting point on Acetylene in an 
 explanation by H. H. Suplee, in the Engineering Magazine of 
 August, 1897. 
 
 Life Boats and lyiFK Preservers. 
 
 There are also rules and regulations in case of fire and sink- 
 ing of boats and to avoid collisions. 
 
 To avoid collisions pilots are required to blow the whistles 
 when two boats meet, to take the right or left side, btit they 
 have not by any means prevented boats sinking each other; and 
 in fact some of the most serious accidents, drowning as many as 
 fifty people on one boat, have happened since the law was 
 passed; for it is said that in some cases the rules are difficult to 
 carry out, and sometimes pilots get mixed by a misunderstand- 
 ing, which results in a collision. 
 
 In case of fire in some cases it is the height of folly to talk 
 about rules when a boat has on board very combustible material, 
 in which case the time is too short and each man must jump to 
 save his own life. 
 
123 
 
 Fires on boats are put out if possible by the natural instinct 
 of man; the one who sees it first will run for water and give the 
 alarm without any rules whatever. 
 
 The law requiring life boats and life preservers have been of 
 very little use, because when matters came to the pinch people 
 become panic stricken, especially the passengers, lose their heads 
 and jump overboard when not at all necessary, for unless the 
 river is very high no boat will sink out of sight, especially on 
 the Ohio; such a thing is only possible on the lower Mississippi. 
 
 Instances have occurred where upwards of fifty people got 
 drowned when the water did not reach the cabin after the boat 
 was sunk; so all one had to do was to walk on the hurricane deck 
 to be sure of his life. 
 
 lyife boats suspended on the side of the boat in a gearing or 
 rigging, were found useless, for in the spur of the moment they 
 could not be loosened up quick enough to be used; they would 
 sink with the boat; and if they were placed on the hurricane 
 deck, when they were launched into the water they would 
 plunge in upside down, or at best get full of water and be of no 
 service to save life. 
 
 Life preservers were seldom used; a man would sleep with 
 one under his pillow and get drowned, for in the excitement they 
 would not be used, and when used the chances were that they 
 were put on ^Tong, causing drowning. That is, if they are put 
 down on the body too far, the head will go under the water and 
 the heels will stick out. Women, as a matter of course, are the 
 most excitable in case of a wreck and get completely bewildered, 
 and it is said that a woman was found drowned in this way with 
 her head under the water and her heels up. 
 
 In low water, unless in some deep places, there is not the 
 least danger that a boat will sink deep enough for the water to 
 even reach the cabin, but only in a high river; and the mistake 
 the people make is that they will lock themselves in their rooms, 
 
124 
 
 so in case of a wreck, in the excitement, they can't get the doors 
 open and instead of going outside where they could reach the 
 hurricane deck, the chances are that they will run in the cabin 
 to be caught in a trap. In case one would rather die on land, 
 and in case there is a high river (the boat leadened with oil, 
 hemp or straw, gives little time in case of a fire), one should 
 make himself familiar with the ins and outs of the boats, to 
 know where to go; fit on the life preservers to understand them, 
 not bolt the outside door; and pull nothing off on going to bed 
 but the coats and shoes, to be ready to jump. 
 
 This is just exactly what people fail to do; they bolt them- 
 selves in, take off all clothing, have no knowledge of the life 
 preserver, or where to find it; and in case they are rescued on a 
 cold night they will freeze to death in their night clothes. The 
 great trouble in people losing their heads is that they lose their 
 lives, and women, being nervous and excitable, are worse than 
 men. 
 
 The writer has read of instances where a girl on the Eastern 
 rivers saved a boat in a storm, by taking hold of the helm, when 
 the strongest men failed in courage; but not on the Western 
 rivers, according to the writer's personal observation in a wreck 
 in day time; the women huddled together in a lump, screamed 
 and prayed, and some stood in a door like a marble statue, 
 penning the others in. In case of an accident at night very 
 often they never leave their doors bolted and are found drowned 
 with their hands folded in prayer. 
 
 An instance occurred where a boat sank just deep enough to 
 leave the women just breathing room enough above their heads 
 near the hurricane deck in their rooms, b}' climbing in the upper 
 berths or bunks to keep their heads above water, and they were 
 rescued by cutting away the deck, when by one unlucky stroke 
 of the ax one of the women was killed. It is strange to note that 
 the so-called better educated classes of women, having their 
 
125 
 
 constitutions underminded by high life, show the least judgment 
 and courage, and are often lost; while their healthy servant girls 
 show the most judgment and courage, and stand the best chance 
 of being saved, in accordance with the Darwinian doctrine, "The 
 survivor of the fittest." 
 
 Right here comes the rub for the best of men to keep cool, 
 with judgment; for men on land, in case of a fire, throw the 
 looking glass out of the second story window and carry the 
 feather bed down stairs, 
 
 A case happened on the lower Mississippi, where a mate in 
 his excitement to save his wife, got hold of the wrong woman, 
 and after he had reached the shore found he had saved another 
 man's wife, so he swam back to the boat to save his own, but 
 found her gone. 
 
 It is curious to note how man and the mule can be trained to 
 remain cool in a wreck — for the soldiers under the command of 
 the officers on a sinking ship will not break ranks. 
 
 It will be observed that river men seldom, if ever, get 
 drowned, because they know the ins and outs and keep cool; they 
 never think of a life preserver, and while they, like others, are 
 only too willing to leave a wreck, they will hang on to the boat 
 until they are forced to take to the water, in which case they will 
 manage to tear off a door or a shutter to keep themselves up. 
 
 Some cases have happened to show how some men have 
 control of their senses in a moment of time. 
 
 Some time in the last years of the thirties a captain fell over- 
 board at the bow of the boat, and instead of attempting to swim 
 he had the remarkable control of his senses to allow himself to 
 sink, to guard against the danger of being dragged under the 
 paddle wheel, which idea saved his life, by a mere hair, for he 
 came up just near enough for the wheel to beat off a tassel button 
 on his cap; and notwithstanding a heavy overcoat he kept above 
 the water long enough to be rescued. 
 
126 
 
 In speaking of river accidents, railroads kill more people 
 than steamboats. If people would only learn to be cool, for 
 there is not one boat out of a thousand that will sink up to the 
 hurricane deck. 
 
 It is only a different way of being killed; as the darkey says, 
 "When die cars run ofF die tract, there you are; but when a boat 
 blows up, where are you?" 
 
 Scenes on the Southern Rivers among the Negroes. 
 
 Any one who will go South to study the Southern people 
 will be disappointed, because the true Southerner is not to be 
 found any more; the emancipation of slavery has brought about 
 an entire change, ruining hundreds of first class families, without 
 bettering the conditions of the negroes. 
 
 Without going into details the writer, in taking a trip down 
 South in 1869, saw enough to convince him of the improvident 
 nature of the thoughtless Africans huddled together in old de- 
 cayed ware a-nd tobacco houses, doing little chores for a dime or 
 a quarter, picking blackberries for a few cents, but to labor under 
 a contract was, as a rule, out of the question. "I is a free man; 
 Massa Lincoln has made me free; dis child am not gwine to work 
 for die white folks." 
 
 Nothing short of starvation necessity would mean work; 
 once in a while they were employed to loaden cotton on boats, 
 but they would never in the majority of cases return the cotton 
 hook furnished by the boat, which they either pawned or sold 
 for a few drinks of whiskey. 
 
 Much has been written for papers and magazines since the 
 negroes have been set free, pro and con, that he is doing com- 
 paratively well and making progress to better his conditions; and 
 by some writers that he has become completely demoralized 
 since his emancipation, and that he was far better off in state of 
 
127 
 
 slavery, where he was provided for by his master and held in 
 check from leading an indolent life of debauchery. 
 
 There seems to be considerable of an argument in favor of 
 the latter view, as the statistics of sixteen of the Southern 
 States show that the negroes are falling behind to keep their 
 ratio of increase, which by the last decade was 13.1, while that 
 of the whites was 28.6. 
 
 While this is one side of the picture, the other side is that 
 there is not one man in a thousand who can have the unlimited 
 control over a human being as a timid slave without abusing his 
 power. 
 
 The writer, having been on Southern boats for quite a num- 
 ber of years, had every opportunity to notice the good and bad 
 treatment of the negroes. While some of the slaveholders were 
 very kind in their treatment, and taking the system as a whole, 
 the negroes were well provided for as a question of dollars and 
 cents for their strength and health; it was the exceptional indi- 
 vidual cases of gross injustice which aroused the feeling of the 
 North and spoiled the whole business of the South. 
 
 The French, it is said, were the hardest masters, who in 
 some cases would simply furnish their slaves with so much corn 
 which they had to pound or grind themselves for meal, with an 
 allowance of some bacon; and in some cases the clothing of the 
 slaves was simpl)^ a bag or a sack with a hole cut in the middle 
 for the head and one at each side for the arms, which in warm 
 climates seemed to answer the purpose. 
 
 The writer has often seen large numbers of slaves fixed of! 
 in the Southern fashionable way, on the coast above New 
 Orleans, working on the levee. It was hard to tell man from 
 woman, and was an interesting sight for the Northern tourists, 
 
 who made use of their opera and spy glasses from the boat. 
 
128 
 Mean Treatment of Negroes. 
 
 Slavery like all human institutions had a shadow side of the 
 picture. Some very handsome girls with a mere trace of African 
 blood were held as slaves, and the writer remembers noticing a 
 case where a German girl by the name of Soloma Miller was 
 held as a slave. She had by some means when a child gotten in 
 the hands of a slaveholder, who fought the case in the courts to 
 the last ditch before he would give her up. 
 
 The writer has seen the poor slaves often wronged by low, 
 dirty, brutish, beastly men of the North, who abused the poor 
 wretches to beat a slaveholder all hollow, which of course was 
 unwholesome business if known to the master, who perhaps in a 
 passion would lay on hard blows, but would not allow his slaves 
 to be abused, and was always ready to take their part, "I will 
 whip any man who dares to abuse mj^ nigger, and if I am not 
 man enough I will stab, cut or shoot him." 
 
 The poor slaves were abused by Northern beasts. Although 
 boats who emploj'ed slaves were bound under contract to be re- 
 sponsible for their treatment, the negroes as a matter of course 
 were constantly abused, cuffed, kicked and pushed out of the 
 way. "Die poah white drash from die North" to knock a nig- 
 ger down was considered fine fun. The brutish nature in man 
 still remains in his bones, since in olden times he killed slaves for 
 pastime; "it was no harm to knock a nigger down," but space 
 will not permit me to show the many instances of wrongs. As 
 two men were taking a walk one evening they saw a darkey 
 coming towards them, so one made the suggestion to knock that 
 nigger down, and as he came up they knocked him senseless into 
 the gutter. After they had done this brutish act they made the 
 discovery that he was an old feeble negro, with only one arm; so 
 they made an apology as to the mistake of taking him for a 
 
129 
 
 sound buck, and had the generosity to hand him a quarter for 
 the knock down. 
 
 In the spring of 1845 in the city of Memphis, Tenn., a slave 
 came on board a boat with the tears rolling down his cheeks and 
 related the bad fix he was in, that his "mausda" had sent him 
 on an errand with an ax, and that an Irishman had taken his ax 
 away from him bj'- main force. He was sure of a very hard 
 whipping from his "mausda," and begged to find some one to 
 take him away from Memphis, to sell him to a kind "mausda." 
 
 A beast in human form, merely to play a trick on this poor 
 weeping wretch, tcld him to hide in the rear of the wheel, which 
 every now and then would be in motion, so he was soon drenched 
 to the skin, with a ton of ice water thrown over his head by the 
 motion of the wheel. It was great fun for the Northern gorillas 
 to see this wronged man walk off the boat dripping with ice 
 water, on a cold chilly day, with the gloomy thoughts to get a 
 hard whipping next for having lost the ax. 
 
 As boats had to pay for all negroes lost, in case one had a 
 grudge against a boat a very practicable way to get revenge was 
 to knock a slave overboard at night or on the sly and make the 
 boat foot the bill. WTiile it is an admitted fact that the negroes 
 of the South are degraded and improvident, it does not argue 
 that they deserve the treatment at this very day of being hung 
 to the limb of a tree, or snuff out a negro's life with revengeful 
 torture of the fire brand, by a mob, where the white man gets a 
 trial in court. This is State's rights doctrine. Let the general 
 government (Congress) mind its own business. 
 
 To give the right of suffrage to the negroes of the South 
 was a mistake, because it is of no value to them; for if the poli- 
 ticians of the North control the whites, it stands to reason that 
 the politicians of the South have an easy walk over to control the 
 ignorant negroes, to fix matters up on election days. 
 
130 
 
 It is more than human in man ever to forget a wrong, and 
 to say that the South was in the wrong does not answer the 
 question. The people of the South beheve that they were right, 
 and to enforce negro suffrage upon them has only intensified 
 their feeling of a wrong; and the solid vote of the South in 1896 
 to make fifty cents in silver to the value of a dollar come from 
 the innermost recesses of the Southern heart to even up with the 
 Northern capitalists. 
 
 The feelings of the South will not die out until in after 
 3^ears, through Northern immigration and inter-marriage, no one 
 will know who was his own father. 
 
 Scenes and Sights on the Big Hatchee River. 
 
 The writer in the winter of 1844 and 1845 was employed on 
 a small cotton boat called Whitesville, which ran on a small river 
 called the Hatchee to Memphis, and from there the cotton was 
 shipped to New Orleans on larger boats. 
 
 The head waters of this river were at a small town by the 
 name of Bolivar, in the rear of Memphis, Tenn., and to say how 
 long this river is, is a very difficult thing. It may be called one 
 hundred miles to Bolivar, or two hundred, because the river is so 
 very crooked; so one familiar with the countrj^can leave the boat 
 in the morning to take a hunt and walk across to catch the boat 
 in the evening. 
 
 On this river none but small short boats, with two engines 
 to make the short turns of the river, can run. The engineers 
 must constantly be at their posts to go ahead on one engine and 
 back on the other; so a trip on a boat on this river is a constant 
 twist and a squirm, a go ahead on one side and a back on the 
 other, to twist the boat around. 
 
 This country was rather thinly settled; the poor hill lands 
 were in the possession of squatters, "die poah white drash," 
 who would pound their corn for meal on a stone, and once in a 
 
131 
 
 while have the luxurj^ of some meat, a piece of bacon or a ground- 
 hog; while the rich bottom land was owned by the cotton plan- 
 ters, who, when asked how many acres they owned, always 
 answered the question by so many miles north and south. 
 
 As a matter of course there was a great diflference in their 
 wealth, which was rated by the number of niggers, of whom 
 some planters had as high as eighty to one hundred, and by the 
 deer parks, fish ponds, fine horses and hounds for hunting and 
 for sport. 
 
 The habits of the planters at home were exceedingly simple 
 as a rule; under a broad hat, his head poked through a slit 
 blanket, with home-spun pants tucked in a pair of cow-leather 
 boots, topped off with riding spurs, and as a rule a whip in his 
 hand, we have the true type of a Southern planter. 
 
 As a general rule he was an educated man of fine feeling and 
 very sensitive of his "honah;" his word as good as his bond, and 
 otherwise known as the whole-souled generous Southener. 
 
 It must be understood here that we are speaking of the 
 Southern planter, and that the Southern tradesmen were not the 
 same class of men, nor so very sensitive of their honor. 
 
 The dress of the slaves was none of the finest, anything to 
 keep off the sun in the summer and the cool blasts in winter was 
 considered to answer the purpose; and the farming implements 
 were of the most primitive and simple in use, while in case of a 
 pinch a collar of corn-husks, ropes for straps and the limb of 
 a tree for a plow-beam were considered good enough for the 
 mule; no matter about the harness as long as the mule could pull 
 the cart or plow. 
 
 The Hatchee planters sometimes got up pleasure parties to 
 make a trip to Memphis, with musicians, cards and peach brandy, 
 to sing, dance, play euchre and drink, to be as happy as June 
 bugs; and while some were comparatively poor, only having a 
 
132 
 
 few negroes, there was never sucTi a thing known as a complaint 
 about hard times. 
 
 At one of these pleasure parties it became known that there 
 was really a Dutch bo}^ on the boat, whose skin was as white as 
 that of any other people, and, aside from the Dutch accent, no 
 one could tell the difference; so female curiosity gathered around 
 the Dutch boy. 
 
 While some of the old v/omen offered to hire the Dutch boy 
 for their carriage driver, the girls took matters in from a differ- 
 ent standpoint, and were rather friendly with the Dutch boy; 
 and a number of the planters offered to raise, educate and send 
 him to school on "hoss back," and when under the influence of 
 peach brandy, they even intimated that if he became an educated 
 man of "honah," he should have one of their daughters in mar- 
 riage — quite an improvement over a carriage driver. But the 
 modesty of the Dutch boy forbade such an oflfer, as the saying, 
 "A bashful dog never gets fat." 
 
 Here is a question for a little reflection. If slavery is a great 
 evil and a blasting curse, how comes it that the Southern plant- 
 ers as a general rule, with rare exceptions, were such a generous 
 set of men, and so sensitive of their honor; in fair dealing their 
 word as good as their bond? 
 
 Perhaps Herbert Spencer could answer the question on nat- 
 ural principles, or the clergy could say that the ways of provi- 
 dence are mj'-sterious, and that God sometimes permits an evil, 
 that a good ma}' result from it. 
 
 A Southern Tariff Man. 
 
 The Hatchee planters were not all alike in their mode of life 
 and character. There was one peculiar man among them who 
 made a trip once a year to sell his cotton and lay in a supply of 
 whiskey for himself and slaves; and whenever he felt a little 
 
100 
 
 exhilirant or ' 'how come you so, ' ' he was a great talker, and would 
 speak out his mind on any subject right from the heart. 
 
 And by the way he was a great Henry Clay man, a firm ad- 
 vocate of the American system, protection of home industry, 
 and was always ready to argue the points, and although this was 
 in the forepart of the winter of 1845, after the defeat of Clay 
 still fresh in the public mind; but the fact that this doctrine was 
 not favored in the South, was a matter neither here nor there 
 with him, for whenever he felt a little "how come you so," he 
 would present his points on Henry Clay. This Henry Clay man 
 being rather comic, it was a matter of sport and pastime for the 
 passengers to hear him argue his points, and sometimes he would 
 stand on a chair to lay off the tariff principles left and right like 
 a regular stump orator. 
 
 The writer at that time being on the younger side of his teens 
 did not exactl}^ get the full sense of his points; he remembers, 
 however, that the planter pulled out his pocket-knife, and hold- 
 ing it up to view, explained how much metal there was in it and 
 the value of the knife. He further held up to view a cotton 
 handkerchief, explaining its value and amount of cotton in it, 
 and after he had made his explanation he stepped off his chair, 
 called up a negro whom he called Sam and after he had meas- 
 ured off six feet by three with a chalk mark in front of the dar- 
 key's toe, (without any explanation,) resumed. 
 
 He next pulled out his watch, remarking, "You see this 
 silver watch; I am a plain man, make no pretense of high school- 
 ing; I begin my life with only one nigger; I owe no oughts to 
 anybody, but I think I am a match for any of 'uens' college 
 gentlemen, to give you a few nuts to crack on the tariff points. 
 
 Holding up the watch he spoke of the metal in it, of the 
 main and hair springs, of their value, of hundreds and thou- 
 sands, showed what a large farm it would take to raise enough 
 farm productions to pay for only one pound of hair springs, 
 
134 
 
 showing how many bushels of corn it would take and how many 
 acres to raise the corn, and after he had explained the great gain 
 in manufactures over farming, he gave a full explanation of the 
 great difference between raw cotton and the value which he paid 
 for his cotton napkin, which he called a "nose rag." While he 
 was thus explaining how the wealth of a nation could be in- 
 creased by manufactures, one of the James K. Polk men inter- 
 posed, "How about the monopoly of the Northern manufacturers?' ' 
 to which he was quick to answer, ' 'The Southern cotton planter 
 has his niggers to stumble after the plow to raise cotton for the 
 foreign manufacturers, to have the sole monopoly, to pay him 
 his own price and make us pay the freight of about 3,000 miles 
 across the ocean and back again, in all about 6,000 miles in the 
 bargain. Yes, gentlemen, you talk about monopolies (the word 
 robber-baron was not used in those days), when under your free 
 trade system a foreigner can come to our country with enough 
 value of manufacture in his pant's pocket and carry home a 
 whole ship load of farm productions in exchange;" and after he 
 had in his opinion silenced the James K. Polk man, the curiosity 
 of the passengers questioned what he meant by measuring off six 
 feet by three, which he explained, that such a small space in a 
 bed of iron ore, no larger than a grave for John Calhoun, the 
 great free trader, contained enough wealth in manufactures to 
 pay the whole of the nation's debt. 
 
 The points here presented are well known of the immense 
 gain in manufactures in value, which are said to never be less 
 than thirty per cent, and run up as high as a thousand per 
 cent. 
 
 For instance a pound of iron worth one cent, in hair springs 
 for watches is said to be worth $4,000 at wholesale, equal in 
 value to 8,000 bushels of corn at fifty cents, requiring 200 acres 
 of land to raise it at forty bushels to the acre; at about thirty 
 cents per bushel (discarding fractions in the rough) would equal 
 
135 
 
 12,000 bushels, require 300 acres, and at about fifteen cents per 
 bushel would equal 24,000 bushels and require 600 acres of land 
 to raise the corn at forty bushels per acre. 
 
 The points presented by this Henry Clay man are simply a 
 question of common sense, within the reach of everybody to 
 fully satisfy himself, by beginning with the jack-knife in ever>- 
 body's pocket and tracing the matter up to the highest point. 
 
 Thus it is as plain as sunshine that there are verj^ few far- 
 mers in the Middle States who could raise enough corn at thirty 
 cents and very few in the West at fifteen cents to pay for a pound 
 of hair watch springs, worth one cent in iron. 
 
 A Few Words on Tariff. 
 
 The general opinion that the South has always been opposed 
 to a protective tariff is a mistake, because prior to 1828 the East 
 was for free trade and the South for protection, and the first 
 fight on tariff was between South and South and not between 
 North and South. 
 
 Some writers would call the tariff a question of evolution. 
 Henry Clay, however, had a better name for it. He called the 
 peoples vote on tariff an "Irish indifference," and supposed that 
 the United States must at one time have been part of Ireland, 
 because the people vote like the Irish, with a total indifference 
 on protection. 
 
 Tariff an Accidental Question. 
 
 The tariff is a kind of an accidental question, because that 
 class of people who flop from one side to the other turn the 
 scales of an election and cast their votes on the basis of a popu- 
 lar soreness or discontent; like the example of the Homestead 
 riot or strike in 1892 to oust the Republicans, and in 1894 there 
 was a flop over in Slate elections against the Democracy because 
 Cleveland enforced the law to stop the riots in Chicago which 
 
136 
 
 stopped the United States mail; and in the election of 1896 that 
 class of people were not quite strong enough to make one dollar 
 out of fifty cents, but got over 6,000,000 votes for Bryan. 
 Some may feel disposed to take issue with the writer that it was 
 not the Homestead strike which turned the election against 
 Harrison. 
 
 The writer at that time being in the immediate neighbor- 
 hood took the pains to watch the popular wave of madness which 
 swept across the country from east to west; how the trade 
 unions organized clubs against Harrison. As Reed said every 
 bullet made a thousand votes, and it is certainly within the mem- 
 ory of thousands how the Democratic press with cartoons took 
 the advantage of this madness of the people, representing the 
 manufacturers glittering in diamonds and the laboring man shot 
 down like a dog, fanned up this madness, and what is the most 
 remarkable, a high robber-baron tariff was not the complaint, but 
 that the tariff was reduced on eleven articles, on iron, to grind 
 down labor was the complaint. 
 
 And, further, it was said that the manager of the firm and 
 the captain of the boat that brought the Piukertons to the fac- 
 tory were both Democrats. 
 
 A Storm on the Mississippi, with Exciting Scenes — Han- 
 sol, THE Pious Fraud, an Interesting Actor. 
 
 It may be a matter of consolation for those who wish to 
 travel on steamboats to know that there are not many lives lost 
 on boats in storms. 
 
 While some boats have been sunk in storms, the idea of a 
 boat being sunk with the bottom turned up is only newspaper 
 talk and must be taken with a grain of salt. 
 
 Small boats, and more especially boats with a light load to 
 hold them down, have been known to be blown over in a strong 
 
137 
 
 gale, but such has never been known with large, strong, heavy 
 boats. 
 
 Ever)'body is certainly familiar with the strong gales or 
 winds in the month of March, in which case with a high river 
 small boats are often compelled to tie up for days, not being able 
 to brave the waves, while a large boat will plough through with- 
 out any trouble. 
 
 The writer remembers an instance when on a steamer in the 
 first years of the fifties on the upper Ohio, on a stormy night, 
 the crews of a lot of coal boats which were crying for help, 
 upwards of twenty boats were sunk with loss of life, it being im- 
 possible for the steamer to render them any assistance. 
 
 Aside from a hurricane which will break iron, so long as a 
 boat can be kept facing the storm, there is little danger with a 
 strong boat, but whenever a boat is caught broadside she may 
 become in a measure a wreck; and in such cases boats sometimes 
 blow out the cylinder head of the engine by reason of the wheel 
 being without dip or water at one time and brought to a dead 
 stop by striking the crest or high part of the wave at another, 
 and she may also by the twist of the timbers burst a steam 
 pipe. 
 
 The writer has the unpleasant recollection of when a single 
 engine boat in the last years of the forties blew out her cylinder 
 head in a great storm, and was at the mercy of the gale in a 
 broadside in a helpless condition; which, however, did no further 
 damage than to twist the cabin somewhat out of shape. 
 
 In case of a blow out of the cylinder head or the bursting 
 of a steam pipe, to any one within the reach of the steam it means 
 either instantaneous death by the force, or scalding by the hot 
 steam. 
 
 It is most remarkable to note the great force of steam at a 
 distance. An instance occurred where the steam from a bursted 
 pipe, in the mere blink of an eye, swept through two bulk-heads 
 
138 
 
 of the kitchen, one ten feet and the other fully twent}'' from the 
 pipe, with a clean sweep of the partitions, taking cooking stove 
 and cook overboard. 
 
 The river men are the best judges to make a guess as to the 
 probability of rain, and also good judges of storms, because that 
 is in their line of business; like the sailors, who are governed by 
 the appearance of the sky, by the different shape of the clouds 
 known by different names, such as mackerel, mare's tails, wool 
 packs and nimbus, etc. 
 
 It was often the case that a part of the crew were sailors, 
 who would leave the ship at New Orleans and ship on boats on 
 account of getting higher wages; they were alwa^'s the most re- 
 liable in case of storms, and took matters in as a matter of course 
 without showing the least fear to brave the gale. 
 
 It must be understood that man's fitness for any calling is 
 strictly a question of education or training, like a horse who at 
 the mere tap of the bell will rush into the harness of a fire engine 
 to brave the dangers of fire. 
 
 Old river men as a rule will always stick to their post, and 
 so far as the officers are concerned, the writer has never known 
 a captain, pilot, engineer or mate to show the white feather in a 
 storm, regardless of their own lives; as in an instance in the 
 spring of 1897, a pilot a few miles below Pittsburgh went down 
 with the wreck by remaining true to his post. As a rule some 
 of the clerks, cabin boys and kitchen crew, and the new green- 
 horns of the deck crew, show up their bravery after the storm is 
 over. 
 
 It was about in the last years of the forties (judging from 
 the date the writer was still in his teens), when he had a splen- 
 did opportunity offered on the lower Mississippi to show his 
 bravery; but somehow or other was laughed at for clutching fast 
 to the high side of the boat, on the principle of the survivor of 
 the fittest, to let every man look out for himself. 
 
139 
 
 It will be observed that the high side on the outside of the 
 boat is the most safe, to prevent being crushed to death by the 
 falling timbers on the lower side, in case the cabin gives way. 
 
 At the beginning of the storm the mate, an old sailor, by 
 the way, with a spy glass in his hand, remarks to the Captain, 
 "I see a murky cloud about twelve miles down the river and 
 judging from its appearance it looks like mischief." 
 
 So the Captain, "Ho, ho, have you seen a rat leap over- 
 board ? To me the sky looks mackerel or only mares-tails 
 clouds. ' ' 
 
 Upon this remark the mate speaks short, "No time to talk 
 of ominous rats, see for yourself," handing the Captain the spy 
 glass, "Now, see wool packs merged into nimbus, see, see, the 
 surging and the bending of the trees." 
 
 "You are right, sure enough, sure enough, a gale, a strong 
 gale, on its wing, coming directly towards us, will we have time 
 to land?" 
 
 "No, no. Captain, we will be caught broadside." The 
 Captain, as a reply, commands, "Let us keep the boat facing the 
 storm, see that all hatches are down, station some men to quiet 
 the deck passengers, bring your best men on the bow, those two 
 old sea dogs." To the clerk, "Quiet the women, say there is 
 no danger." To the steward, "Station some boys at the hall 
 doors, to guard against the wind bursting them open, keep the 
 passengers on the high side, throw the first coward, on his knees 
 in prayer, overboard." 
 
 The steward to the boys, "Tom, Jim, John, hurry up, 
 hurry up, brace your shoulders against the hall doors with all 
 your might; have courage, don't flicker, don't flicker." 
 
 The services of the boys are of no use; the boat is caught 
 broadside with one of the guards under water, reaching to the 
 engine, and the other high up. 
 
140 
 
 This is a wild scene of excitement; the women and children 
 are screaming "mercy, mercy;" religious cowards on their knees. 
 The cabin boy No. 1, "Great Julius Caeser, what a storm; see 
 how the lightning flashes, oh, oh, hear the thunder, the thunder! 
 how it roars, how it roars, just see, see, see!" 
 
 Cabin Boy No. 2, "Great heavens, heavens! Oh, now we 
 are getting a hard blast, a crash, a crash! The chimney, the 
 chimney, there goes the chimney, there she goes on the star- 
 board, bang, bang, there goes the other chimney!" 
 
 No. 1, "What's that crash, that crash?" 
 
 No. 2, "The pilot house, the pilot house, overboard!" 
 
 No. 1, "Oh, God, oh God, the cabin is moving; we are lost, 
 we are lost, off, off, boats, boats, ready to swim, to swim!" 
 
 No. 1 pulls off one boat, while No. 2 is too much bewildered. 
 Steward to the passengers, "Keep on the high side, the high 
 side, no danger!" The mate to the clerks and cabin crew, "Get 
 back, get back, help the women; I will shoot the first man who 
 dares to take water!" 
 
 By the twisting of the timbers the steam pipes, under a 
 strong strain and wrench, give way; and the steward, who knows 
 the meaning of the loud roar, cries out, "Steam pipe, steam pipe 
 bursted, hold your breath, hold your breath, fall on your face, 
 on your face, hot steam, hot steam!" (In a case of this kind or 
 an explosion, if one is not killed outright, the danger is in inhal- 
 ing hot steam.) 
 
 The women screaming, "Help me, help me, O God, save 
 me, O heaven, heaven, mercy, mercy! 
 
 In a few minutes, after the scalding steam had done its 
 work, two sailors, by command of the mate, made their appear- 
 ance to quiet the passengers, "The storm all over, all over, only 
 a little brush, all safe." The steward sends one of the sailors to 
 the ladies' cabin, to tell the women "all safe," and keep the pas- 
 sengers from jumping overboard, A passenger on his knees, 
 
141 
 
 wringing his hands and tearing his hair, "O, God, have mercy 
 on my soul, my soul, forgive my sins, oh, Jesus, hear my 
 prayers, my prayers, save my soul, save my soul." 
 
 The steward, remarking, "See that dog on his knees in 
 prayer, to save his selfish soul, indifferent to helpless women and 
 children; a dirty coward kneeling at the door of heaven." 
 
 "Yes," said the sailor, "what a mean act in prayer; let us 
 throw the coward overboard." 
 
 Steward, "This is his last prayer; in his cowardly prayer he 
 has lost his life by inhaling hot steam." 
 
 Leaning over the man, "Halloo, halloo, here, storm all 
 over." "O, save me, O, save me, my whole farm for my life." 
 "Don't you hear, the storm is all over." "O, save me, save me, 
 my farm, mj^ whole farm for my life." "In the name of common 
 sense, don't you hear, all safe; storm over." It is nothing un- 
 common for people under such conditions to become insane, and 
 after this man came to his senses, "Thanks to the Lord for our 
 lives. Let us join in prayer, thanks, thanks to the Lord." "Not 
 quite so fast," said the steward, "don't j^ou see you are scalded?" 
 and he sinks back, "Oh, oh. Lord, have merc}^ on my soul." 
 
 Presently one of the sailors makes it known, "The pilot, the 
 pilot is still alive, still alive. He is clutched fast to the pilot 
 house; see how he clings to the pilot house like a cat." 
 
 The mate to the sailors, "Lower the yawl, lower the yawl; 
 
 be lively boys, be lively boys. D the nigger luck, ropes all 
 
 tangled, ropes tangled." "Cut the ropes, cut the ropes." 
 "Now all right, be lively boys, be lively boj^s; pull hard, pull 
 hard; d your awkward heart; pull, pull, pull on the lar- 
 board oar, on the starboard oar. There, there, that is right." 
 "Now, now, they've got him. Bully for you, boys; that's right, 
 bully bo3^s!" 
 
 As the pilot is brought on board the captain, "Halloo, 
 
142 
 
 halloo, old fellow. Bully for you, good stuff, give me a shake of 
 your paw." 
 
 Many gathered around the pilot as a matter of curiosity, to 
 have made such a remarkable escape, with many questions, ask- 
 ing how it happened, how he felt, etc. 
 
 One of the sailors is not slow to intimate that a little good 
 whiskey is the very thing for a wet man, and as both of the sail- 
 ors are also wet, the captain takes the hint. "I see, Jack, I s^e," 
 commands the steward to bring up the best French brandy, and 
 as it is intimated that tobacco does a man good, also orders him 
 to bring that article for the bully boys. As a matter of course, 
 this makes the captain a man, every inch of him a man. 
 
 The captain asks the pilot, "How did the pilot house blow 
 overboard, how did you feel?' ' 
 
 "The first blast moved the pilot house about one foot and 
 put the ropes out of gear, and while I was in the act of fixing 
 them up the first thing I knew I found my heels where my head 
 ought to be, and the next thing I knew I was in the river with 
 such a souse I shall never forget, and after I came to the sur- 
 face I saw the pilot house near me and got hold of it, I do not 
 remember how. ' ' 
 
 Before the pilot has finished his unpleasant experience one 
 of the sailors makes it known, "Hoo, hoo, hurrah, here comes 
 the steward with the stuff for the trousers," and by the generos- 
 ity of the captain the boys are told to take a double draw and fill 
 their pockets with tobacco. 
 
 The sailors have the politeness to ask the captain to drink 
 first, and as a matter of course all take a drink because they are 
 all wet; and as the sailors can take a double draw each time, 
 "Here goes for our good captain." 
 
 At this junction the captain asked the mate, "How went 
 matters on the lower deck and how did your men behave?" 
 
143 
 
 "After the pilot house and pilot were swept overboard, as 
 you saw yourself, the boat turned broadside to the wind, with 
 the starboard guards about two feet under water and the lar- 
 board wheel high and dry. I saw the cabin move about one 
 foot, and one more blast would have taken most of it off; and 
 when I reached the forecastle I found the men pulling their 
 boats to take water and I ordered them back to help the women, 
 but the trouble was some of the new men seemed to have lost 
 their senses, would not obey me at all, or at least acted like 
 machines, not knowing the meaning of what they were to do; 
 but these two old sea dogs acted like men in a true sense of the 
 word." 
 
 As these two sea dogs have acted so bravely the captain 
 favors them with another drink and asks the question, "Where 
 are you from?" 
 
 "We are from the city of Hamburg, Germany;" and since 
 Hamburg has done so well, they take a drink for the sailors of 
 Hamburg. 
 
 The next question, "What is your opinion of this storm?" 
 
 ' 'What you on the river call a storm we only call a breeze 
 on the ocean, because a ship is made to stand a gale, while boats 
 are not; and it is only a wonder that the boat is not a total wreck. 
 A few of your men showed pluck, and j-our pilot is made of good 
 stuff, not because he was blown overboard, that was against his 
 will, but for remaining at his post; and your mate and engineer 
 are good metal, and some of the deck hands came up to the 
 scratch, but there were too many pale, trembling cowards. God 
 save the ship with such a crew. ' ' 
 
 In the captain's opinion, in times of danger it is hard to 
 study human nature or to observe calmly those who show pluck; 
 it is only a desperation to show it after all. 
 
 "You are right, captain; you are right. I have seen the best 
 of men feel 'squallish,' but since one had better be dead than a 
 
144 
 
 coward, men will screw up tlieir courage in cowardice. I have 
 never seen any difference between a panic-stricken man and an 
 ox; one will groan and pray and the other will bellow." 
 
 Courage is a question of training; a greenhorn on a ship or 
 steamer or a new mule in the army are unreliable. 
 
 Hansal, the pious fraud, embraces an opportunity to bring 
 himself into notice by claiming to have saved a man's life who 
 was almost dead. All of a sudden the remark is made, "Ho, 
 ho, why here comes Hansal with a man in his arms," and 
 the question, "Who is Hansal?" is asked. The mate, "He is 
 one of our Dutch roustabouts." He lays down the man, re- 
 marking, "I have saved this man's life and perhaps with a 
 prayer we can save his soul. ' ' 
 
 The captain, "What do you mean; why this man seems to be 
 severely hurt, he is writhing in his last gasps, hear how he moans, 
 see the bubbles at his mouth, his stern and glassy eye, his dis- 
 torted lips, and you say you saved his life?" 
 
 "Yes, yes, I saved his life, and although he will soon die, 
 yet he still lives; and were it not for me he would now be dead, 
 as he was struck by the falling chimney and I rescued him from 
 falling overboard." "Do you call this saving a man's life?" 
 "Yes. I do," replied Hansal, "in the true sense of the word, as 
 the short time has nothing to do with the question, as every 
 man's life is only a mere span at best." 
 
 Upon being asked, "Do you know this man?" he replied, "I 
 know him and do not know him; for when he was sober he gave 
 his name as Karl, but when he was drunk he denied his name. 
 It seems his calling has been that of a soldier or officer in the 
 Prussian army." 
 
 The steward being asked, "Do you know that man?" replied, 
 "He goes by a fictitious name, and when drunk he speaks of the 
 Prussian army and when sober is a very polished gentleman, but 
 his morals are bad, suffering from disease." 
 
145 
 
 "Ask him if he is prepared to meet his God," but the stew- 
 ard is of the opinion that it is all of no use. "He does not be- 
 lieve in the Bible God, which he holds to be merely an article of 
 manufacture of the dark ages, and that man is merely a link 
 of creation." The question is asked, "Are you prepared to 
 meet your God?" He gives a dead ear to the question, and in 
 mutterings and piteous tones asks for whiskey, whiskey to drown 
 his misery. 
 
 Hansal speaks up, "Benumb not his senses with rum, a 
 prayer, a prayer for his soul," 
 
 The captain does not believe in saving a man's soul with 
 prayer if he calls God an article of manufacture of the dark ages, 
 but Hansal holds that Christ died to save sinners, and the great- 
 est criminals are saved every day in their last gasps by prayer. 
 
 "Yes, yes, captain, men whose crimes have been so deep as 
 to make the dark shadows of the grave turn pale are saved for 
 CA^erlasting glory. What has a cleansed soul to do with past 
 deeds? We are all sinners standing our chances to be saved, and 
 if such a great deed can be done at such small expense, with a 
 few words of prayer, why not try it, try it?" 
 
 The man shakes his head; no prayer for him, but in his 
 muttering says "Whiskey, whiskey," so the captain said, "Give 
 the wretch whiskey to drown his misery," and it proved to be 
 his last drink. 
 
 This man deserves credit, at least for dying game, while 
 thousands who uphold infidelity will show the white feather at 
 the end of their journej" and go back on Thomas Paine and Bob 
 Ingersoll. 
 
 This man Hansal is a most remarkable character. He takes 
 in the subject of religion from a philosophical standpoint, for it 
 is all the same to him whether one will toss up his hat for 
 Thomas Paine or believe in Christ, provided the doctrine is ben- 
 eficial to man. He has his eye on the pulpit, whereby one can 
 
146 
 
 squeeze his way thi-ougli the world as a good to himself and do 
 a power of good to others who believe it is beneficial all round; 
 and if there be such a place as heaven, his chances would be 
 favorable, considering the amount of good he has done to 
 others. 
 
 Aside from his healthy, strong digestive organs, for which 
 he does not consider himself responsible, which leads him into 
 temptations for small pilferings on the sly for something to eat 
 or drink, otherwise nothing can be said against him; but he is 
 really good natured and generous without the means to carry out 
 his milk of kindness. 
 
 The steward and the bar-keeper, who have often found less 
 mince pie and beer in the morning, were of the opinion that 
 Hansal would be the best detective to know where these articles 
 went. 
 
 Hansal gets some broad hints from the steward, but de- 
 mands the proof; who having a clew, however, that he has been 
 guilty of pilfering, tells him to his teeth, "I venture to say that 
 when the boat was in the greatest danger you tapped a whiskey 
 barrel." 
 
 Hansai. Talks His Way Clkar. 
 
 The captain has noticed something peculiar and striking 
 about this modern Falstaff , as an interesting character with whom 
 to have a little fun and pastime, at the captain's leisure, so he 
 bids him depart to be recalled at some future time. 
 
 So Hansal with a polite scratch of his foot, "Your most 
 obedient servant will be happy to entertain you," goes down on 
 deck, as the river men call it, "smelling a rat," and pondering 
 the matter over in his mind how to talk himself out, in which 
 he had always been successful. After a boat meets with a 
 wreck it is simply a question whether she can be patched up 
 
147 
 
 temporarily to reach the next port, and in some cases ran on 
 one wheel. 
 
 In speaking here of a steam pipe bursting it is remarkable 
 to note the great force of steam at a distance from a scientific 
 point of view. 
 
 In the first j^ears of the fifties the Buckeye State bursted a 
 steam pipe at the lower end of Pittsburgh, making a clean sweep 
 of everything for about twent5^-five feet from the pipe. 
 
 This is, however, only interesting to engineers. L,et us 
 bring our Hansal; and the captain having everything in good 
 shape as far as possible sent for him, who promptly made his 
 appearance with a smile, a polite bow, "At your service, cap- 
 tain." 
 
 The captain remarks now, "Mr. Hansal, the steward has 
 you under suspicion that you tapped a whiskey barrel when the 
 boat was in its greatest danger, and as a matter of course de- 
 mands the proof. ' ' The steward now says that he saw the flask 
 in his pocket immediately after the storm. 
 
 Hansal almost acknowledges the corn, but with a slick 
 tongue and a little skillful sophistry manages to smooth the 
 matter over. 
 
 "Let us assume that I took the drop of liquor; while there 
 may be a good deed with a bad intention or a coward may act 
 bravel> , but there can be no evil deed with an innocent inten- 
 tion, for law requires an animus. Now if I took that drop of 
 liquor with an innocent conviction, that the boat ere this would 
 be at the bottom of the Mississippi, where was my bad inten- 
 tion?" 
 
 The captain, who is rather pleased with his skillful jug- 
 glery, saj's, "Hansal, Hansal, I will accept your plea of inno- 
 cence, and if you really did fill your flask at the time when the 
 bravest men had their hearts in their mouths, I shall order you 
 six mince pies, an eighth of beer, a I^imburger cheese, and all 
 
148 
 
 the incidentals to accompany the mess, with an ablution for your 
 past suspicion." 
 
 Hansal is ready with an explanation even to contradict 
 Shakespeare, that men of the largest bulk would be the most 
 liable to sink, saying, "It is all a mistake; if Falstaff was such a 
 large, fat man, with enough oil in his body to set hell on fire, it 
 was a mistake to put this language in his mouth, 'If the bottom 
 were as deep as hell should down.' " 
 
 In the days of my wild oats, before I came to the foot of 
 Christ as a penitent sinner, I used to run the cattle into the 
 creek to see them swim; I used to observe that the largest and 
 fattest ox swam with the greatest ease, to which rule man is no 
 exception, 
 
 "Without going into a scientific explanation it is sufficient to 
 say that the human body, aside from lime and carbon, is com- 
 posed of water and condensed gases and that fat contains the 
 most gas, much lighter than water, so the old saying fat will 
 always swim on top. 
 
 This fact has been verified by my own personal experience; 
 since it has pleased our Heavenly Father to incorporate me with 
 my present proportions and bulk I can swim with the merest 
 effort. ' 'You see, captain, all men are brave without fear where 
 there is no danger." 
 
 "A good hit, but how about the waves and breakers dashing 
 in your face; how would you keep from drowning?" 
 
 "Ha, ha, right here is where the joke lies; with your boat 
 you must face the storm, but I turn the stern to the storm to let 
 the waves dash, dash in cool contempt." 
 
 "I now see that j^ou could help yourself to a drop of liquor 
 in the height of a storm with a cool indifference, for where there 
 is security there is courage, and I shall make good my promise 
 for your bravery, but allow me to ask you one question." 
 
149 
 
 Hansal with a sparkling eye, a sweet smile in view of a fat 
 feast, rubs his hands politely, "All right, captain, all right." 
 
 "A boat with much freight is sometimes difficult to steer, 
 and how do you manage to keep morally straight after you have 
 on a good load?" 
 
 "Just here lays the great secret of our life, captain, for a man 
 to have himself under self-control. The trouble is for man to hit 
 a happy medium." 
 
 Too much labor, too much leisure, too much fun or none at 
 all and too much eating are all bad; and the w^orst of it all is too 
 much limitation to the stomach, because a full stomach upholds 
 the heart, the very seat of love. As to myself I would always 
 rather run the risk of a good square meal, for it is that which 
 upholds the man, as a horse must be well fed on oats to be of 
 value. 
 
 "Be it either woman or man under limitation of the sub- 
 stantials they are poor excuses for anything, and a man with a 
 poor digestion is not at all entitled to a woman's respect; his 
 heart has no support for love. ' ' 
 
 The captain nodding his head, "Just so, you are right, go 
 on, explain j'ourself. " 
 
 "All men are alike, not made of marble but flesh and blood; 
 as to myself I had no hand in the matter in coming into the 
 world, and must now make the best of it under self-control, the 
 greatest of virtues. All men are a chip from the same block; 
 there is this difference, however, between a Christian and a 
 worldly man, they are both guilty of daily transgressions, of leap- 
 ing over the moral fence; but the worldly man allows his sins to 
 accumulate year in and j^ear out, while a Christian will from time 
 to time do new penitence to brighten his character, to shine with 
 a new luster of holiness." 
 
 The captain, "Do you consider yourself a Christian?" 
 
150 
 
 "I conceal my own short-comings; and publicly I uphold re- 
 ligion as a good example, and in this regard I consider myself 
 just as good as some of those high-toned servants of the Lord 
 who strut about in a cloak of genteel righteousness with a pair 
 of fashionable F'rench moustaches under their nose." 
 
 That I was found as a waif when a child without knowing 
 my own father does not annoy me with so much company, when 
 it is a matter of history that even the child of a king did not in 
 all cases kiss its own father. 
 
 That I am a poor roustabout with patched and torn gar- 
 ments does not hinder me being a true Christian, for true piety 
 clothed in rags is the most acceptable to Christ. 
 
 "When pride cometh then cometh shame, but with the 
 lowly is wisdom." 
 
 If my healthy stomach will give me a fiery spur in my 
 flanks, so much brighter will be my crown in heaven for my 
 virtue. 
 
 Now Hansal aside from being well informed in languages, 
 also had a fair knowledge of chemistry and physiology and made 
 a good quack doctor. The captain, who is well pleased with this 
 skillful jugglery, sets it up with a bottle of brandy to put life in 
 him and to hear him talk. 
 
 "Now, Hansal, tell us something about the nature of man 
 and your opinion of FalstafiF." 
 
 Hansal' s Idea of Man and Falstaff. 
 
 Hansal after taking a good draw, smacking his lips with 
 appreciation, "All right, all right, captain, I will canvas man be- 
 fore you, to give you a limited insight of this biped, gentle- 
 men." 
 
 Man presents to us a strange contradiction, part angel and 
 part beast, mutually dependent upon each other. As the sajdng 
 goes, Man must be a strong animal to have a strong mind. It is 
 
151 
 
 well known some of the best writers could eat a young lamb at 
 one meal and put out of sight an eighth of beer in a short time 
 to bring on a struggle between the good and the bad. 
 
 Now here is where the trouble comes in. While it is all true 
 enough that a good square meal has its due effect the main mis- 
 chief lays in drink, for every additional glass weakens the Chris- 
 tian in the upper regions and gives strength to the devil in the 
 lower story, leading man astray, running his boat into a snag, 
 which in consequence must go on the dry dock for repairs and 
 do new penance for his soul. At the mention of running into a 
 snag and going on a dry dock, a common expression of river 
 men, the captain to conceal his emotions bit his lower lip and the 
 bj'^standers cracked a smile, blinking at each other. Thus Han- 
 sal, after he had touched the captain on a tender spot, continued, 
 "As a rule the devil in the lower story will be master of man's 
 feelings. As the German proverb goes, 'A 3'oung, free, easy 
 damsel and an old praying sister,' is a full explanation of some 
 people's moral conduct, with the oil of the lamp about burnt out; 
 and I say it open and above board, that a woman with no more 
 substance than a squeezed lemon and a man like a dry oyster 
 shell do not deserve to be called Christians, because they have 
 nothing to resist." 
 
 To reach the kingdom of heaven is a life struggle, fully ex- 
 plained by this good old song — 
 
 "I am a soldier for Jesus, 
 I have listed in his war, 
 And I will fight until I die." 
 
 One must say when a man like Falstaff enters the kingdom 
 of heaven that he will wear one of the brightest jewels for ever- 
 lasting glory, as a triumph of the angel over the devil; for it is 
 certainly plain to see that every new load taken on board means 
 a new fight, which very often requires new penance for ablu- 
 tion for the renewal of one's holiness. Although he had no 
 
152 
 
 fragrance to waste on the desert air, nor was he a pure gem, but 
 he had his noble points. 
 
 Even after being crossed in hopeless love, with a pleading 
 heart abused like a football, one must say that he had a resigna- 
 tion and a forbearance to outshame a Christian. 
 
 He might have been one of the brightest gems of religion, 
 but as an Englishman his social surroundings were not of the 
 best; for Shakespeare himself put the unclean expressions in his 
 mouth, and Queen Elizabeth split her very sides in laughter at 
 his immodest pranks. 
 
 Although there is no evidence that he ever cut loose from 
 English society, for evil communications corrupt good manners, 
 yet a man of his stamp would know how to appreciate a soft 
 heaven, much better than a man without substance, like a dried 
 herring. 
 
 Falstaff was no fool; he knew on which side his bread was 
 buttered, and unless his candle was snuffed out with a short snap, 
 no time for repentance, he made his peace with heaven. And we 
 have the best of proof that he did, for he died from his feet up- 
 wards, that while his feet "were cold as stone," his heart was 
 still warm, and in his last mutterings he used the name of the 
 Savior three times. 
 
 Thus ended Hansal's entertainment, to the entire satisfac- 
 tion of the captain. 
 
 A Dramatic Scene in the Kitchen with the Cook and 
 THE Chambermaid. 
 
 It is beyond question true that he who can write a book to 
 connect solid information with amusement can accomplish most; 
 like Mark Twain, who has given much information in a very 
 entertaining manner. 
 
 The substance of the following story is true to the very let- 
 ter, but it will not be verj^ palatable to the traveling public to 
 
153 
 
 know what is going on behind their backs, in the kitchen, in re 
 gard to clean cooking, in a measure explained before. The chief 
 actor is Hansal, who has been fully introduced, and who through 
 his scientific knowledge has attained the position which the river 
 men call a "Cracked cook." 
 
 Now to begin our dramatic scene, let us first get a clear idea 
 of the kitchen, which is on the old style built in front of the 
 wheel house and underneath of the stairs, which proves that 
 although man is a noble animal he learns very slow, for no idea 
 could be more awkward than to have the stairs on the side of 
 the boat. 
 
 The kitchen measures perhaps twenty feet by about ten, with 
 a recess underneath the stairs in which a table used for working 
 the dough for rolls and things in the bread line is kept, which 
 comes handy for a seat provided there is not too much flour on it 
 to imprint too much of a white aspect. 
 
 For further delineation of character our cook is for all the 
 world a kind of Shakespearian Falstaff, onlj'- much better educa- 
 ted and shrewd as a fox, and in all respects a most remarkable 
 character. Found in Switzerland as a waif with a slit in his ear, 
 he was educated in a convent as a matter of course, spoke the 
 different languages, and had a knowledge of Latin and Greek. 
 
 In case of a pinch he could carry out the demeanor of a pol- 
 ished gentleman, but unless on his guard the animal was too 
 strong for the mind, and he indulged in oysters, ham and eggs, 
 mince pies, wine, whiskey and lager beer, being for all the world 
 a kind of an intellectual swine called by the boys an educated 
 pig; but as a man he was generous and honest, however, only as 
 a natural born religious hypocrite. 
 
 He was thick with all colporters; would give them a meal 
 and even a few Fibs and Bits, and had the kitchen shelves full of 
 Bibles and tracts, which the boys used as cigar lighters to trick 
 him; and the second cook, to try a religious experiment, slipped 
 
154 
 
 a few leaves of the Bible in the steamer with the vegetables to 
 see what effect it would have on the crew. As a matter of course 
 a holy dinner did not have the desired effect. 
 
 Our cook is sitting on a stool smoking a stogie, and all of a 
 sudden in comes the chambermaid (a white woman by the way, 
 as a rule chambermaids were negroes), with a bucket on her 
 arm. "Mr. Cook, can I have a few dippers of hot water; I have 
 a few articles to wash for a lady; she is such a nice woman; she 
 don't ask a poor woman to do chores for nothing," and Mr. 
 Cook, who has a little mischief in his head and wants to have a 
 little fun, says, "Yes, Sally, you can have all the hot water you 
 want." 
 
 Now our Sally is rather an interesting person; her sleeves 
 rolled up to her elbows, exposing a pair of arms as red as red- 
 painted wheelbarrow handles; her dress tucked up, presenting a 
 kind of bloomer costume; her feet in a pair of well worn slippers, 
 showing daylight to the toes, and otherwise her personal beauty 
 might have been more attractive. 
 
 Her lips and the corners of her mouth were brown with 
 tobacco juice; her nose as red as a beet and called the onion 
 nose by the boys, and with her hair pulled over her head, tied in 
 a knot to hide a bald spot on the crown of her head; and judg- 
 ing from her moustache, which a j^oung man in his teens would 
 be proud of, and a few long straggling hairs on her chin, she was 
 on the shady side of forty. 
 
 She was a widow and always counted her husbands on her 
 four fingers — one died, one drowned, one got a divorce, and the 
 last one to save the court expenses she opened the door and sent 
 him out with a kick and fixed up the divorce in a short metre; 
 and having had four husbands she was blessed with a number 
 of children, with the privilege for each to choose its own father 
 after he became of age. 
 
155 
 
 Our cook, the old hypocrite, in his checkered life as a deck 
 sweeper, a roustabout and a cook, with his eye on the pulpit, 
 had a keen insight into human nature; and on a false pretense 
 undertook the experiment to see whether her heart would still 
 respond to the sweet honey words of love, and to try matters 
 said, "Sally, how goes it anyhow; how does the world use you; 
 do you get many tips, and what have the women to say about 
 the boats grub?" 
 
 So Sally in her reply, "They are a mean set of graybacks, 
 hayseeds. I,ast trip I made ten dollars in tips, but these are a 
 mean set; they make fun of everything; they say the cook must 
 be Dutch; everything is flavored with onions and garlic; that the 
 mince pie had enough brandy in it to make one drunk; the cran- 
 berry pie was nothing to brag of, was flat in taste." 
 
 Our cook after these compliments for a few moments looked 
 down his nose, but soon raised his head, remarking, "I think we 
 have the inside track on these upper crust people; if they only 
 knew how much dirt they eat it would cost less to feed them. 
 The reason so much brandy was put in the mince pie was because 
 it was spoiled and the brandy deceived their taste, and the cran- 
 berry jar was upset on the dirty floor, and as a matter of neces- 
 sity had to be lapped up to have pie for dinner; of course this did 
 not improve the taste." 
 
 This was music to her very soul, that the mince meat was 
 spoiled and that the cranberries were lapped up from a dirty, 
 smeary floor; so she leaps up, knocks her heels together, yelling 
 with a revengeful laugh, "Best joke of the season, best joke of 
 the season, good, good, for the upper crust." 
 
 "I will tell you something more, but you must promise to 
 keep matters mum." 
 
 "Don't you suppose I can keep a secret; why bless your soul 
 that is part of my business. I only get fifteen dollars per month 
 from the boat, which would not reach to support my children 
 
156 
 
 were it not for the extra crumbs I gather up, in washing for the 
 crew, tips from the ladies, and sometimes I catch a rat in a trap 
 and get a tip that amounts to something, hush money; I have 
 learned to keep my mouth shut. I am not employed for my 
 beauty, but as a woman of many years of experience; but I 
 sometimes find it pays to have a young, prett}^ woman for a sec- 
 ond chambermaid as an advantage to us both to turn over an 
 honest penny. You know to have an old stiff jointed woman 
 limping about the boat is not exactly the thing; a young woman 
 singing her merry songs and skipping about briskly is more 
 agreeable to the officers and especially to the captain." 
 
 "You talk about catching a rat in a trap; how do you man- 
 age your cards?' ' 
 
 "My experience of many years has posted me up, that the 
 feelings of the heart, of sorrow, hate and love can be learned by 
 a study of the face, by expansion and contraction of the mus- 
 cles, and perhaps you will laugh at me for saying that a close 
 observer can tell the signs of love by the wrinkles around the 
 nose; the eye, however, is the greatest telltale, so when I see any 
 one who has his sign up I watch my chances. You know men 
 away from home sometimes act a little indiscreet, and sometimes 
 take a game of euchre or checkers with the ladies for innocent 
 pastime, but still rather slip me a five to keep mum, because the 
 world is so ready to make a big talk about nothing. ' ' 
 
 "Now, Sally, since you have learned to keep things to your- 
 self, I will tell you a few more good jokes on the upper crust 
 people. You know a certain cook, his true name does not occur 
 to me, he likes his liquor?" 
 
 "Yes, yes, I know exactly who you mean. He had a red 
 nose and the boys called him whiskey head; he had a little fail- 
 ing, but was a good cook and was a real generous 'feller;' often 
 he favored me with a warm toddy when I felt a little indisposed; 
 he was always kind and full of fun." 
 
157 
 
 "So you were rather familiar with him, and as he was a 
 widower, often talked about getting a new wife for his old days, 
 did he ever sound you about the matter?" 
 
 "The Lord bless me, bless me, not when he was sober; but 
 when he felt a little 'how come you so,' then he would sometimes 
 give me a jog with his thumb, indicating that he meant business 
 for a wife." 
 
 "All right, Sally; you know the man, and now let me tell 
 you a good joke. The boat was laying at Rock Island in the 
 evening, and your friend had been up town with rather a heavy 
 load in his head, and in preparing the liver for breakfast the 
 steward noticing the happy condition he was in, said that for 
 fun he would put the liver in the cook's hat; so in went the liver, 
 and to complete the business put the hat, liver and all on his 
 head. Cook then went up town again with the liver in his hat, 
 and it leaked out that he came on board at a late hour, tumbled 
 in bed with his boots, coat and hat with the liver, and then fried 
 it for breakfast next morning. Now, Sally, keep your laugh 
 back until I tell another case. At one time we had quite a num- 
 ber of upper crust people on board, and the steward ordered a 
 real nice dinner. I had done my level best to fill the bill; I had 
 made a panful of highly seasoned meat gravy, which by some 
 means had been set near the end of a small low bench or stool 
 which would tip over by one sitting too near the end; and as it 
 happened the third man was sitting near the gravy pan on the 
 bench, and some one sitting on the other side suddenly got up, 
 so down came the third cook fair and square into the gravy, 
 which spattered over the floor and put us in a bad fix, for the 
 steward had ordered us to dish up. So we made a virtue out of 
 a necessity, and with skillful manipulations we managed to save 
 enough for the ladies; the third cook, however, got the best of 
 the bargain with a good, full dose. But 'All's well that ends 
 well.' The ladies were highly pleased with the dinner, and even 
 
158 
 
 complimented the steward, 'Everything was so nice and taste- 
 ful.' " 
 
 Sally having her organ of "laughtiveness" duly aroused 
 doubled up like a school girl, and pounding the table with her 
 hand, exclaimed, "Hush, hush, you kill me, you kill me, I will 
 split my sides; drunken hot liver for breakfast and such gravy 
 for dinner; I say hush, hush, I'll split my sides." 
 
 The cook having her organ "laughtiveness" up on a high 
 pitch with considerable satisfaction on the question, how little 
 the upper customers know how much dirt they eat at times, 
 viewed her with an inner thought, novv' is my chance to try her 
 love bump, "Oh, how I love to hear 5^ou laugh, with such a clear 
 ring; such a hearty laugh does not belong to the rich; the poor 
 laugh the most free from the heart." 
 
 "Don't you forget it," she replies, "I have seen em upper 
 crust women roll on the floor behind the door and laugh to split 
 their throats, but in society they would swallow their handker- 
 chiefs or pucker up their mouths like they had been eating green 
 persimmons." 
 
 "Well, well, that is a side question. Sally, I love to hear 
 you laugh, I love to chat with you; come let us take a seat on the 
 pastry table and have a little chat." 
 
 "What, what, set on the pastry table on which you roll 
 your dough for rolls and biscuits, you don't say so!" 
 
 "Yes, we will sit right on the pastry table; on steamboats, 
 to economize room, our table answers manj' double purposes, and 
 it is well that tables have no mouths to tell tales," in the mean- 
 time switching off the flour with a dish rag. 
 
 Looking around at the table and at her dress which runs a 
 risk of being soiled, she remarks with a smile, "Well, I will rest 
 my old bones a little;" meanwhile she takes a sly peep under- 
 neath the table; the roll of her eye sees a jug standing there, 
 which in her case would be acceptable for the inner woman, 
 
159 
 
 and our learned cook sees the roll of her eye and knows what is 
 in the jug. 
 
 Right here the cook says with a smile, "Sally, I do not often 
 drink, but when I do it is about this time of day; spose we take 
 a little." As a matter of course she seldom ever drinks; at the 
 same time, however, the boys call her "red onion nose." 
 
 He pours considerable in an old rusty dipper, and holding it 
 up, says, "If this haint the stuff for the trousers I give it up," 
 then takes a "stiffner." She lays hold of the dipper, takes a 
 pretty strong sip under the pretense of tasting, smacks her lips, 
 "You are right the stuff for the trousers; I will take a little 
 more." and takes what the river men call a horn, smacking her 
 lips with an "Oh," handing the dipper to the cook, who of course 
 takes a sip with an "Ah, the pure stuff." 
 
 After refreshing the inner man and the inner woman, there 
 is something else wanting, but she never uses "tobacker." 
 There is, however, a brown streak on her lips, beginning at the 
 corners of her mouth, tapering neatly to a close in front, which 
 is evidence enough for him; so he reaches up to one of the 
 shelves, hands down a plug, remarking, "I smoke and snuff, but 
 don't chew, but here is an excellent article; here take a good 
 chew." She don't use the weed only sometimes for the teeth as 
 the doctor has recommended it, but after a little persuasion takes 
 a stiff chew. 
 
 He lights a stogie and takes a pinch of snuff, and tapping 
 the lid with his fmger, like snuffers do, offered her a pinch. Of 
 course she don't use snuff, only for the headache, and so she 
 takes a pinch. 
 
 Before we go any further let us remark that we have here a 
 double hypocrisy. He wants a little fun with an old hag, and 
 she gives the old Dutch bluster-bag a little taffy for the benefit 
 of the jug, tobacco and snuff; and her modesty is only acci- 
 
160 
 
 dental by force of habit in her younger days, as her modesty is 
 not far fetched. 
 
 After they have been sitting on the table for awhile she 
 must sneeze and he sneezes a little too, but she must sneeze so 
 very hard that the first thing she knows out flies the tobacco 
 from between her stumpy old teeth. Yea, yea, no teeth to hold 
 it in, and to save the chew she means to pick it up again; but 
 our generous cook jumps up, gets down the plug, pulls out his 
 penknife, cuts off a good hunk, "Here, Sally, take a new chew 
 and put this in your pocket," and so after laughing a little, and 
 blaming the strong snuff, she takes another chew and puts the 
 balance in her pocket. 
 
 He noticing her eye on the jug feels convinced that she will 
 take another sip, and without any further blarney pours out 
 some more junk, junk, junk, in the dipper. "lyCt us take a 
 little more and all in a lifetime," and as it is all in a lifetime, 
 both take a little more. She to rest easy sits rather in a crooked 
 position, bending forward with her elbows resting on her knees, 
 all in the world like a railroad Irishman smoking his pipe, as 
 much as to say, "Now come ahead, old Dutch bluster-bag, I am 
 open to conviction." That is to say that as long as she hears 
 the jug go junk, junk, junk, she will give him a willing ear, 
 and if he can make an impression of love he will be welcome. 
 She says, ''Now for your chat, what have you to say, why do 
 you remain so silent?" 
 
 After removing his stogie, "Oh, I have so much to tell you 
 I hardly know where to begin; you know a silent tongue often 
 bespeaks a full heart. I have often heard it said it is so sweet 
 to have some one to love, and — 
 
 'Two souls with but a single tliouglit. 
 Two hearts that beat as one.' " 
 
 After relieving her tongue of the brown juice, "Ugh, ugh, 
 dear me, dear me, real nice, go on." 
 
161 
 
 "Your hearty laugh is so charming to me, and I must say 
 your tapering arms fill my soul with delight." 
 
 Her arms very attractive, indeed, soap suds and redness; but 
 as human nature is so susceptible to flattery, his hypocritical re- 
 marks made an impression. 
 
 She looks at her arms and then at the cook and almost 
 heaves a genuine sigh, "My tapering arms, you don't say so; you 
 are trying to make fun of me." 
 
 "Yes," says the old hypocrite, "I mean what I say; dry 
 goods will make a lady like a butterfly, but find a true woman is 
 a question of true inwardness — a good, healthy stomach which 
 can digest something, to generate heaUhy blood, build up 
 healthy, lusty sinews and muscle, which constitutes the true 
 woman. The stomach upholds the heart, and an empty stom- 
 ach is like an empty bag, which Franklin says 'cannot stand up- 
 right.' The angel of love must have a source of support, and I 
 tell you blunt and plain a hearty eater is entitled to a woman's 
 respect." 
 
 Nodding her head, "You are right. What does a sickly, 
 dyspeptic man amount to ? and a woman who will cut beans in 
 two with a mere a sip out of a wine glass, is hardly fit for a figure 
 in a show window to be looked at." 
 
 With her approval of a healthy stomach and her eye on the 
 jug. the cook feels assured that she will stand another persuasion 
 and take a little more, and without any more preliminaries the 
 jug speaks out agan junk, junk, junk. "Here, let us take a 
 little more; we only take a small sip at a time," and as a matter 
 of course only a little at a time being such a small smack, she 
 submits to another persuasion, and as she is about to replace her 
 chew of tobacco which she had removed from her mouth and 
 held in her hand, while taking just a little more, he offers her a 
 stogie. She does not smoke, but it is said to be good for the bile, 
 so she is persuaded to take a smoke. 
 
 / 
 
162 
 
 Making Love by Proxy. 
 
 Thus while they are both sitting on the table, twirling a 
 heavy smoke and both under the influence, "how come you so," 
 the second cook, who has been somewhat of a reading man, has 
 an idea how soul will act upon soul, as we laugh and shed tears 
 at a theatre, or an old sinner gets down on the mourner's bench; 
 and, further, all man's actions have a starting point, so he slips 
 up behind these two on the sly and gives Sally a jog with his 
 thumb, and she as a matter of course thinking it to be from the 
 first cook, returns the jog to him, who is not slow to return the 
 compliment with a pinch on her arm. thinking that the old door 
 on its rusty hinges now stands ajar and with gentle pressure will 
 open up. 
 
 Unconsciously to herself young thoughts have slipped into 
 her head. "You are the devil's own boj^ the devil take that 
 roguish eye in your head," she says; and he pretends to heave a 
 genuine sigh like a stage actor in response to her remark, and 
 then begins to tap the fountain of love. 
 
 As remarked, man's actions require a starting point, like an 
 electric machine, which requires an agitator to introduce magnet- 
 ism in the iron before it will generate electricity. 
 
 The electric dynamo being put in motion, he puts the ques- 
 tion, "Have you ever been in love, and how did you feel?" 
 
 In reply she says, "You krow that poor girls have acres 
 of lovers and the rich ones acres of husbands. The poor girl 
 gets the first kiss and the rich girl the husband; and in my 
 3'ounger days, before I could make out the assignee of my heart, 
 some other one would turn up trump, so my love was too much 
 scattered." 
 
 Our cook, like thousands of others, called rhyme poetry and 
 
 tried his hand — 
 
 I jke two hearts with oue thump, 
 To beat as one to remain. 
 Some other one turned up trum. 
 To sever them in twain. 
 
163 
 
 "Just exactly," she says, ''I don't believe in poetry, but 
 that's just it. At times, however, although my love was scat- 
 tered out, I must admit I felt most remarkably queer; I cannot 
 tell exactly how. The heart has a kind of fluttering and the 
 mind feels kind of giddy-flighty, as though one were swinging 
 in the sky with the clouds raining molasses, and after one 
 comes back to earth it is for all in the world a kind of sweet 
 pain." 
 
 "You call such an agreeableness a pain, a pain?" 
 
 "Yes, I call it a kind of sweet pain, and if I had it in my 
 power the rich women should have nary a bit of it; but as it is, 
 they have most sticking in their heads, for no matter how deli- 
 cate or even sickly they feel strong and healthy enough to 
 marry." 
 
 As he has gotten the love dynamo machine in motion to 
 generate this mysterious article, he means to strike the iron 
 while it is hot and opeu his batter with a broadside. 
 
 "ijove is a kind of sickness bordering in some cases on insan- 
 ity, in which the English language is the most expressive — love 
 sick — yet nature has ordained it to exist. It whispers in the gen- 
 tle splashing waves; it warbles in sweet notes on waving tree 
 tops; it flutters with golden wings on Greenland's icy mountains, 
 and wherever there is life there we have nature's throbbing pulse 
 of love." 
 
 "Ugh, ugh, dear me, how nice, how you make everything so 
 loving; hush, hush, child, the devil take that roguish eye in your 
 head, with your slick tongue." Thus he continues, "Love is 
 inexhaustible like taking water out of a well, the more one dips 
 out the more it fills up, and it is utterly without substance, yet 
 it seems to be in the touch; just see how lovers will squeeze their 
 hands." 
 
 Nodding her head, "That is just so, go on, go on, did I ever 
 hear a man with such knowledjre." 
 
164 
 
 "Yes, the truth can be told in a rhyme," he sa^'s: 
 
 We cannot know or understand 
 This mystery locked with nature's seal, 
 
 Yet strange how all will reach their hands, 
 Love to catch and its charms to feel. 
 
 Down, down comes her fist on the table. "If that aint the 
 truth I am no washer- woman. When my old man felt real 
 loven, oh, dear me, how he would squeeze my hand, and I re- 
 member in my younger days at a party, when we had to dig the 
 well, as it was called, how men took a tight grip on me when 
 they gave me a kiss." 
 
 Yes, yes, our hands of intrusion 
 
 Are always on the alert 
 To catch and feel this mind's delusion, 
 
 To take a grip and squeeze the bird. 
 
 "That's so, that's so," bang, bang comes down her fist. 
 "Why a lovin' man will squeeze anything to answer for a 
 handle." 
 
 But one may save its trouble, 
 
 To snare the bird or it to hold, 
 IvOve is something like a bubble. 
 
 When one takes a grip it will explode. 
 
 "You are even right here, again; I had a grip on a number 
 of bubbles and always with the result, where I had thought I 
 had something, in the end I had nothing, and was only glad to 
 get a divorce." 
 
 By the way Hansal had had many adventures, and had suf- 
 fered on several occasions for being too indiscreet in his fun with 
 women. 
 
 In this case he made the discovery that he had made another 
 mistake. He failed to remember the old German proverb that 
 an old woman's dance does not last long, and that love is but of 
 a short duration in old heads, and further that a mother will 
 
165 
 
 perjure herself to save the life of her own son, and is very stub- 
 born to believe the truth against her husband, because the truth 
 hurts. 
 
 Hansal in failing to observe these rules in an unguarded 
 moment made the remark, "You must have had a nice lot of 
 husbands, and your last one was certainly a fine bird," which 
 had the effect to double Sally like a wild cat in a mere flash with 
 clinched fist. "How dare you make such insinuations about 
 my last husband; I have found out since that I done him a wrong 
 by kicking him out of the door to divorce him. It was all the 
 fault of the neighboring women, who all said that m^' boy did 
 not in the least favor him; had no habits of his father, and such 
 nsinuations made me mad and I acted on the spur of the mo- 
 ment. All the fault of the envious women, but the older my 
 Jimmy gets the more I am convinced that he is a true chip of the 
 old block, and I will not allow any man to talk about him. I will 
 give you a taste (shaking her fist under his nose) of my 'tapering 
 arm,' on your mug, with your blarney of a tapering arm and two 
 hearts that beat as one." 
 
 Thus Hansal has a sudden change on his hands, and pours 
 oil on the troubled waters, with apologies, etc. 
 
 The scenes we have presented were not built on imagina- 
 tion, for a large per cent, of chambermaids were as a rule a cer- 
 tain class who had bad luck in bad marriages, and by reason of 
 their hard struggle to support their children, in an ice cold social 
 world, they shaped their characters to suit their surroundings, 
 because modesty is of no value where there is no demand for it. 
 And in justice to a better class others were what the world called 
 decent in their behavior. 
 
 An unhappy marriage with no support for the children 
 makes a chambermaid on the steamboats, and the writer takes 
 the license to deny the truth as an old German proverb, "That 
 if it were not for fools the world would die out," for while it is 
 
166 
 
 true that stupid men and silly girls are the first to rush into a 
 thoughtless marriage the cause, however, is by an irresistible 
 force of nature which drags people together as though by the 
 hair, willing or unwilling, and causes the poverty stricken peas- 
 ant and the poor oppressed slave to perpetuate their species in 
 spite of their very teeth. 
 
 The sickness called love often verges on insanity, for which 
 the best remed)^ is marriage. Like a good dose of quinine will 
 stop the fever, but cure with the result of soreness, the end in 
 some cases making the remedy worse than the disease. 
 
 Religion on Steamboats. 
 
 Religion on boats was not far fetched, and in one sense, with 
 some exceptional cases, river men seemed to be totallj^ indifferent 
 on this question. 
 
 As a rule a Bible, furnished by religious people on land, was 
 always laying on the table in the ladles' cabin; but aside from 
 that under the pillows of the officers a yellow-leaved book, a 
 novel or in some cases the works of Thomas Paine could be 
 found, but no religious books. 
 
 Steamboat life presents a very good example of judging man's 
 sincerity on religion, he being perfectly free to act out his true 
 principles, with no business interests to uphold by sham preten- 
 ses, so often the case on land. 
 
 On steamboats there is no Sunday, unless by compulsion not 
 to take on or discharge freight while in port, which was disre- 
 garded by some boats, who would pay their fines as the cheapest 
 in the end, to save time. 
 
 A few religious captains undertook the experiment to lay 
 idle on Sunday, but as the expense of a boat, owing to its size, 
 would run from one to two hundred dollars per day, the cost of 
 religion came too high for the gain, so the almighty dollar car- 
 ried the day to run on Sunday, as the loss of sinners was a mere 
 
167 
 
 drop in the bucket from such a large number in comparison to 
 the limits of a short purse. 
 
 Aside from the officers the crew was as a rule a motley 
 crowd of different nations not of the highest moral standard, 
 with religion a side question. The negroes were fanatical in the 
 extreme; as a rule the negro chambermaids believed in "ligion," 
 to get to heaven where the colored folks eat at the first table. 
 
 While there were a few cases where a few old darkies were 
 very religious, many under the influence of white men had be- 
 come unbelievers, and made fun of the others, and as a rule 
 would call at each other, "Nigger or 'nega* am a fool on 'lig- 
 ion." 
 
 An instance came under the observation of the writer where 
 an old negro chambermaid came within a hair of being newly 
 born, who, (to carry out the old German proverb, "A loose bird 
 in younger days and an old praying sister,") allowed herself to 
 be persuaded to go on the mourner's bench, when by some mis- 
 hap her wig fell off and exposed her bald head, which caused a 
 titter and a laugh in place of prayer, so she failed to become 
 cleansed of younger sins. This had the opposite effect, and she 
 slid back never again to be laughed at with a bald head. As the 
 darkies expressed it, "Die bald head nega women must get dar 
 'ligion behind die doah." 
 
 The religious people on land made every effort to exert a 
 religious influence over the river men, and in the first years of 
 the fifties sent out missionaries over the country to raise money. 
 The true character of the river men was unknown, or that such 
 an undertaking was useless, so they raised considerable money. 
 
 At the different ports on the wharfs public religious services 
 were held on Sundays; anything answered the purpose to preach 
 from, a dry goods box, a barrel or a pile of pig metal. 
 
 At St. Louis the people had contributed to build a very fine 
 boatmen's church, and at Cincinnati the religious people had 
 
168 
 
 managed to get the second story of the wharf -boat for a chapel; 
 it being right in the midst of the boats, was supposed to draw in 
 the river men. This, however, failed to have the desired effect; 
 the chapel remained empty, and to make the best of it, it was 
 used for a Sundaj' School in the afternoon for the town people. 
 
 In warm weather the chapel had the doors and windows 
 open, so one could hear the exhortations and preaching from the 
 boats. To make an impression on the men, sitting around on 
 the guards chewing their tobacco and smoking their pipes and 
 cracking their jokes about such religious fanaticism to draw them 
 in the meshes of such "humbuggery," was like pouring water on 
 a duck's back. 
 
 River men, like other people, did not all think alike. Some 
 held themselves to be firm believers in the Christian religion, 
 and upheld it in their points of argument; while some of the 
 lower classes of the crew looked upon religion with a stupid, 
 animal indifference, without any opinion pro or con, with no 
 other thought but to gratify their animal desires. A fact is 
 noteworthy that during the time of the cholera, when river men 
 were taken down, in most cases they would ask whether any of 
 the crew knew how to pray. 
 
 Public opinion on religion has for the last fifty years under- 
 gone a material change. In olden times a certain class in Pitts- 
 burgh used to celebrate the birthday of Thomas Paine, and there 
 were quite a number of German infidel papers in circulation; but 
 on business principles the meetings are held no more, and the 
 German press has toned down on account of public opinion. 
 
 While infidelity is now more silent and smothered up among 
 the masses, among the so-called better classes a silent under- 
 current has taken a start; and in some of the first-class institu- 
 tions of learning, and some very respectable religious churches, 
 have put a scientific construction or explanation on the Bible, 
 which in olden times would have been called German skepticism, 
 
169 
 
 but now-a-days scientific interpretation. Spencer's philosophy 
 is now used as a text-book. 
 
 The faith in religion is like the faith in medicine, the uphold- 
 ing of which go hand in hand. 
 
 Most educated men admit the fact that art cannot overcome 
 nature, and that every man ought to pray his own soul to heaven; 
 but the moment man feels unwell in nine cases out of ten he will 
 send for a doctor for a medical pow-vow, and for a servant ot the 
 lyord for a religious consultation. 
 
 The superstitious ideas of man are founded upon the same 
 principles the wide world over, be he civilized or uncivilized; and 
 he being an animal of worship, as man has no respect for those 
 beneath him and will not worship his equals, worships only his 
 superiors. 
 
 Man to carry out his natural inclinations, "Fear made devils, 
 and hope made Gods," has created Gods by the score, of which 
 the principal Gods and Goddesses of civilized man are said to 
 have come from Egypt, the mother of Gods. 
 
 It would require a very large book to write up the many 
 different Gods of the different nations and tribes, most of which 
 have a plurality, each for a different purpose, like the China- 
 man's Joss, (not exactly a God, but commanding the same re- 
 spect,) the Christian has his triune God, and while Mohammed 
 had the modesty to content himself with one God, which he got 
 from the Jews and which the Jews got from Egypt. 
 
 Man's religious belief conforms to the doctrine of evolution, 
 and no better illustration can the writer give than the fact that 
 about twenty years ago, when he attended a lecture of Robert 
 Ingersoll in Pittsburgh, in a modest second-class hall, there was 
 rather a limited audience of the middle classes; while on the 9th 
 of May, 1898, at another of Mr. Ingersoll' s lectures in said city, 
 a great change had taken place in public opinion, and the house 
 was full of the very cream of the Pittsburgh aristocracy. 
 
170 
 
 "What a change from the last fifty years in the American re- 
 ligion; for, as mentioned, ignorance was considered the best 
 chance for heaven. 
 
 The writer was told when a young man that too much learn- 
 ing was dangerous to his soul, and in those days one could tell a 
 Christian by the humiliated, doleful expression of his face; but 
 now-a-days one can see the religious professors with waxed mous- 
 taches, firmly compressed lips and heads full of evolution. 
 
 Although man is progressive in thought there is not the 
 slightest danger that the Christian religion will be annihilated; 
 for a great number of people are not only limited in their liabil- 
 ity of judgment, but millions are still cannibals, and some even 
 eat their own dead, so that any one who undertakes to upset the 
 Christian religion on the basis of enlightenment will certainly 
 have a very large contract on his hands. 
 
 The different systems of religion of the world do not exist 
 because they are true, but because they are best adapted to fit 
 man's nature. The religion of Mohammed, held to be false, 
 sways empires, and his faithful subjects claim over 300,000.000. 
 If this faith only had the cash to introduce it among boatmen, it 
 would stand a good chance to make converts, because the promise 
 to have sixteen black eyed virgins of unfading beauty in heaven, 
 would be favorably considered. 
 
 Those who hold that religion is only a hypnotized hallucina- 
 tion, and that the church has been a mighty engine of power of 
 the grossest abuse, must admit that it has a very wholesome in- 
 fluence over a certain class of people. 
 
 Although boatmen have been prosperous without any relig- 
 ious restraint on boats, on the other hand all new settlements in 
 the Western States without any form of religion have been a 
 miserable failure; while new communities under a religious con- 
 trol have been successful, which fits the doctrine of Spencer and 
 Darwin, as the survivor of the fittest. 
 
) 
 
 171 
 
 A Scene of a Religious Exhortation and the Final 
 Result of the Effort. 
 After a boat has discharged its freight it may in some cases 
 require some time to gather up freight for the next trip, giving 
 hours of leisure for the deck crew, who pass their time in telling 
 yarns, washing and mending their clothing, and very often in a 
 game of poker to ease each other of their little cash. 
 
 These leisure hours are generally embraced by the colporter 
 for the distribution of religious tracts and exhortations to leave 
 off gambling, swearing, drinking, and come to Christ, etc. In all 
 new settlements about the first thing one will notice is a whiskey 
 shop and the next thing the colporter with his grip sack full of 
 tracts, to which fact steamboats in olden times were no exceep- 
 tion, one tearing down what the others builds up. 
 
 The colporters with fanatical push can be found anywhere 
 on the four wings of the earth, and in time the Christian relig- 
 ion will be most general among all nations, because the Chris- 
 tian nations are the strongest and spend the most money to 
 spread the Gospel. 
 
 Our colporter has an eye on the pulpit, but as man must 
 crawl before he can walk, he has laid hold of the grip sack as 
 first stepping stone to a congregation; and as he is familiar with 
 the habits and ways of boatmen, has chosen the river to make 
 his debut. 
 
 He has been a deck sweeper, a roustabout and a cook; bears 
 an ear-mark; the same character already introduced. 
 
 He believes in the saying, "Whatever is, is right;" that 
 everything is made for man; that one man is made to serve 
 another, and that the world must have "hewers of wood and 
 drawers of water" to uphold Christian civilization. 
 
 In his opinion the sincerity of all those who preach the 
 Gospel is neither here nor there. The question is to bring the 
 lambs to the fold; even if be with a pious fraud it is over- 
 
172 
 
 looked by the Lord, who permits an evil if a good will result 
 from it. 
 
 As the desire to have the thing so always gives the father to 
 the thought for commission of an act, there is no reason why our 
 colporter should not fix matters up to suit his purpose and ease 
 his conscience. It is the way the wide world over for one class 
 to preach virtue, sobriety and honesty, for others to practice it; 
 do as I tell you, but not as I do. 
 
 A good principle remains the same; like a diamond will 
 glitter on a dung-hill as well as on a crowned head. 
 
 Thus Hansal having fixed matters to fit his purpose, "Now 
 let me assume a sanctimonious face with a Christian drooping 
 soul, and approach yonder man to make my debut in the holy 
 work." 
 
 With stooped shoulders he walks up, and after a few honeyed 
 words of a deep sympathy for sore labor to one of the firemen 
 shoveling coal, makes known his heavenly mission and in a mellow 
 soft tone, "My friend, my friend, here is a tract something about 
 the celestial estate." 
 
 The man leans on his shovel handle. "I don't want any of 
 your real estate; I know where I could make a speck if I had the 
 mone3\" 
 
 "My dear friend, you misunderstood me; I handed you a 
 tract of a religious association — 
 
 (But before he could finish his sentence he is interrupted.) 
 
 "Save your mind, save your mind, I understand you well 
 enough. You can't humbug me with a tract of land owned by a 
 religious association; religion is too often used as a cloak to 
 swindle the poor man." 
 
 "God bless your honest soul, allow me to explain myself." 
 
 "All right," saj's the coal shoveler, "be quick, be short, I 
 take no stock in your blarney." 
 
 "The word estate is used in a double sense; the one means 
 
173 
 
 the rich man's estate in this world and the other means the poor 
 man's estate in heaven." 
 
 As river men have the name of being a little rough, and are 
 often annoyed by colporters poking a tract under their nose, 
 they speak out what they think without the slightest reserva- 
 tion. The colporter is made to understand that honest faces 
 conceal rogues every day, but the face of a rogue never conceals 
 an honest man. The religious people are prepared to meet the 
 insults, and the greater their fanaticism the greater is their 
 forbearance, to take them as a matter of course for the sake of 
 Christ. 
 
 After these remarks, which run with the trade and must be 
 endured, he rolls his eyes to heaven, and after heaving a long, 
 pious sigh, "There can be no swindle in my calling; I am a 
 servant of Christ, the crucified. I am not after filthy lucre; my 
 mission is one of pure love for the poor man; where others 
 oppress you and rob you of your money, I befriend you and 
 give you an estate in heaven for nothing, worth more than all 
 the rich man's property; all I ask is a pliant will and a submiss- 
 ive heart." 
 
 As the two men were talking on religion quite a crowd of 
 the deck crew gathers round, some of whom were educated men, 
 to annoy and tantalize the colporter, put various questions to him 
 about the failure of Christianity to make people better, about 
 the amount of corruption and crime in all Christian nations; 
 while some with grossest rudeness called him a humbug, and 
 others suggest to kick him off the boat, but as a matter of sport 
 the majority, however, decided to let him speak, to hear what he 
 had to say. 
 
 As he was a man of many adventures, always made the best 
 of a bad bargain, and with a full knowledge of river men, 
 having been there as a roustabout, he took it all in as a matter of 
 course to feel at home. 
 
174 
 
 Hansal's Maiden Sermon. 
 
 In answer to the crowd he said, "Christ died for sinners and 
 not for the righteous, and to say Christian nations are a mass of 
 corruption proves the necessity of Christianity. 
 
 "Our mission is to save sinners beyond the grave, where the 
 infidel eye cannot reach, to give us credit for what good we have 
 done in changing the hearts of men. We perform the greatest 
 wonders in the teeth of the old saying, that which is corrupt 
 must remain so. We care not how degraded or black one's deeds 
 have been; the greater the criminal the more is our exaltation for 
 his redemption. 
 
 "We cleanse, purify the soul of the blood-stained criminal 
 who forfeits his life upon the scaffold, and give his soul a free 
 pass to heaven, to live in everlasting glory in the presence of God 
 himself. 
 
 "From drunkenness we carve .sobriety; out of thievishness 
 honesty, and from licentiousness chastity, and out of men living 
 in cannibal beastliness our missionaries sculpture noble human- 
 ity." 
 
 Many voices, "All a lie, all a lie; show us the facts." Some, 
 "Kick him out, kick him out," while others took a different view 
 of his sermon. "Let him speak; go on man, go on." 
 
 Some thought it a bully doctrine to have one's charges of his 
 sins squared up, and an old darkey who had been led into temp- 
 tation to go for his "mausda's" hen roost, was willing to have 
 his troubled conscience eased up; and an Irishman, who had a 
 whiskey bill against him on the slate in the saloon of a poor 
 woman, thought it a cheap way to square up by an ablution of 
 his sins. 
 
 Then he goes on, "When the devil's infidelity has made 
 the world one sad gloom, can you expect Christianity to brighten 
 up things in one daj^ ? Humiliation is one of our greatest vir- 
 
175 
 
 tues; for mockery, jests, irony, yea, the grossest insults, we return 
 kindness and we endure all and suffer all for your sake. 
 
 "The interests of the poor man lies deeply in our hearts, and 
 our good will and charity makes no distinction of race or color. 
 
 "The poor German, the Irishman, the Chinaman and the 
 down-trodden colored man we call our brothers and reach them 
 the hand of fellowship to squeeze warmly. 
 
 "We court not the rich, but piety clothed in rags lies the 
 deepest in our hearts, commands our greatest respect. 
 
 "Well you may ask the question, What has Christianity 
 done for you? 
 
 "It is for you that we brave the scornful world; for you we 
 undergo a thousand sacrifices; for you we have distributed the 
 glad tidings for your salvation; for you we offer up our daily 
 prayers, and for you, go where you will, you will find the col- 
 porter the poor man's friend. At the wharf of Pittsburgh our 
 holy ministers come among you in humiliation to preach to you 
 from dry goods boxes, and at Cincinnati you can hear the sooth- 
 ing words of comfort for your souls at the Boatmen's Chapel; and 
 at St. lyouis you can see the towering steeple of your church 
 pointing directly to heaven, the poor man's inheritance. We 
 have not left a stone upturned for you; the establishment of all 
 benevolent institutions, strictly for the benefit of the poor man, 
 are due to our influence. 
 
 "The door of our church is wide open for you; all we ask is 
 submissive hearts, to leave off drinking whiskey, avoid women 
 of ill repute, seek the hand of innocence, our virtuous daughters 
 of the church. He who comes to us with a pliant heart will be 
 received under our protection like an unfledged bird pressed 
 under the downy wings to the heart of its mother." 
 
 As man is governed by his feelings, his sermon had rather 
 an impressive effect, especially the old negro who had robbed the 
 hen roost thought it bully to have such little matters overlooked 
 
176 
 
 by "jining die church," and the Irishman who had swindled the 
 poor woman out of a whiskey bill thought religion would help 
 one to a good name and new credit. 
 
 The impression seemed, however, to be scarcely skin deep, 
 as the men made the suggestion that there were a few tons of 
 coal to be shoveled and packed, so if he had such a great love for 
 the poor man he might give a helping hand, to put his doctrines 
 to the test. 
 
 He is not slow to find a loop-hole to talk his way out. He 
 has never been caught on a pin-hook yet, and comes to time 
 forthwith, "I would consider it wrong to interfere with the ways 
 of the lyOrd, who in his mysterious ways has chosen you to 
 serve him by his will to labor with your hands and me to work 
 with my head in sowing the seeds of righteousness for good har- 
 vest. He who insults me insults the Lord. It is not I who 
 speaks, but Christ the crucified who speaks to you through me. 
 Beware what you are doing; who knows but some of your old 
 comrades are now writhing like a worm in everlasting torment 
 for their evil waj^s and infidelity." 
 
 After rolling his eyes to heaven, he tops off by sajnng, "May 
 God have mercy on your souls," and with a good-by sneaks off 
 the boat. 
 
 Hansal in his maiden sermon has learned something bj' ex- 
 perience which makes him wise, presently to be explained. 
 
 Thus we have the key-note, a fair sample of the manner in 
 which the points were presented to have the greatest effect upon 
 the feelings; and the reason why the church accomplished so 
 little with river men, for any one religiousl}^ inclined would be 
 laughed at and made fun of by the balance of the crew, who 
 would soon tear down what the colporter built up. 
 
177 
 
 A Religious Debate of the Deck Crew, 
 
 The manner in which he cut matters short after he had been 
 asked to give a helping hand to shovel coal caused a general 
 laugh, and gave the infidels the advantage to laugh his exhorta- 
 tion down, while some more religiously inclined viewed matters 
 from a different standpoint. 
 
 All the world needs is an agitator to set in motion the relig- 
 ious bump of the brain, bringing on different opinions pro and 
 con, for and against religion. 
 
 One of the German philosophers takes in the whole matter 
 from a philosophical standpoint and compares man's life to a 
 dream — with an angel at the head, a devil at the foot, a heaven 
 at the ceiling, with love buzzing around his ears, a chestnut burr 
 under his back, a hell underneath the bed — a kind of hallucina- 
 tion with pleasure and pain. 
 
 The greatest fun is to hear the opinions of the darkies on 
 what they call "ligion," and they are urged to say what they 
 think, so an old darkey by the name of Sambo is called on for 
 his opinion. 
 
 "Sambo, Sambo, a speech, a speech." 
 
 It will be observed that the negroes of the South have a 
 peculiar language of their own construction and also a brogue 
 which is in a great measure used by the whites. Many voices 
 calling on Sambo, he begins, "If die white man am gwine to 
 heah what dis nega had to sa)'', why den listen. 
 
 "Die white folks preacher say we am to know die tree by die 
 fruit. Well, well, when I whar a boy I used to play mit die white 
 misses, behind the bush, and hab lots of fun. 
 
 "But when die white misses get older den it whar northing 
 but nigger, nigger. When die white folks hab church die nigger 
 hab to set way back, way back. In die Nord die preacher says 
 slavery am wrong, and am against die Bible; and in die Soud 
 they say it am right and die Bible says it am right. If a nega 
 
178 
 
 am good, don't steal die chicken, die ham, die butter and die 
 eggs den he go in die kitchen in heaben; and when die preachers 
 come mit dis piece of foolen, die nigger women would shout 
 glory, glory, to go to die kitchen in heaben. Die white folks 
 preacher says dar are two masses, one in die heaben and one in 
 die hell, and dat die massa in die heaben am die strongest. 
 
 "Now listen what dis nega is gwiue to ax die white folks. 
 Why don't die heaben massa whip and choke die hell massa? 
 Dat is what dis nega would do, lam die hell massa out of his 
 boots. 
 
 "Dis nega am not gwine to believe any of der piece of foolen 
 to scar dis child to eat no chicken. In die Nord dey preach for 
 money dat slavery am wrong, and in die Soud die preach for 
 money dat slavery am right." 
 
 Infidels, "Bully for you, bully for Sambo; now bring on 
 your fiddle and let us have a dance." 
 
 Believers, "I^et Jackson answer, Jackson, Jackson." 
 
 "Dis nega am a last year's chicken and hab common sense, 
 and I believe in 'ligion all die time, and if die smart white folks 
 believe 'ligion I is gwine to believe it too. 
 
 "If 'ligion is all a lie, to believe dis lie do no harm; but if it 
 am die truth, the colored man am all right. Bad people in die 
 church proves nothing against 'ligion, for if mean men steal 
 money they will preach for money, and dar am no reason why a 
 man should not go to die church, for dar is whar he ort to go if he 
 wants to go to heaben. 
 
 "Christ died for sinners. Man am a free agent, and if die 
 heaben massa whar to whip die hell massa den we whar rot free 
 to choose our company. Now I hab done told you why dis nega 
 believes." 
 
 Believers, "Hurrah for Jackson, you are boss; good for 
 you." 
 

 179 
 
 As it has been the history of the world that when men disa- 
 gree on religion to fix up the difference of opinion with a fight, 
 so one of the men makes it known that he can whip any Chris- 
 tian dog on the boat; and forthwith another says, "I am your 
 man, j'-ou infidel puppy," which outbreak is put down by the 
 most conservative, "Order, order; quit your nonsense, boys." 
 
 After order has been restored one says, "I will swap off my 
 religion for a chew of tobacco; who dares to take me up." 
 Another, "I will sell my religion for a glass of whiskey," and 
 another, "I will sell mj'' skin for the devil's drumhead for a 
 mackerel." 
 
 After these remarks one offers a resolution, "That each man 
 has a right to fauaticize his own relish on religion to the utter- 
 most brimful measure of his own heart, and that we all agree to 
 disagree;" which causes a hearty laugh, "Bully for you." 
 
 Here Sambo offers a resolution, "Be it solved dat die church 
 gib us blankets in die place of dem tracts and something good to 
 eat in place of long sermons." 
 
 "Bully, bully for Sambo, a nigger has the most sense." the 
 conclusion by all. On putting the resolution to a vote on the 
 principle that a free country is upheld by honest and intelligent 
 voting, to please all parties, they all vote no and yes, and pass 
 the question unanimously. 
 
 The religious question being disposed of, one of the men 
 says, "I smell new leather, new boots, new boots, which are dry 
 and must be soaked." 
 
 (It was the custom on boats that anything new must be 
 
 made wet. ) 
 
 Aftkr the Debate, Whisrey. 
 
 The cry, "A treat, a treat, a pint of whiskey." 
 The new bootman's motto is to live and let live, and is only 
 too willing to set it up; but by means of the new purchase his 
 purse is bankrupt, so the boots must remain dry. 
 
180 
 
 Some one remarks, "I saw you have five cents left; come, 
 old chap, no dodging; come up to our rules to wet the boots." 
 
 In answer, "For the last month I had to drink my coffee out 
 of the trash pan, and I made up my mind to limit my liquor bill to 
 buy a tin cup." 
 
 "Never mind," they say, "about the tin cup; here take this 
 tin and get the liquor. ' ' 
 
 Laying hold of the tin cup, he asks the question, "Will you 
 loan me your tin this trip to drink coffee?" 
 
 "Yes, yes," is the reply; "just get the whiskey; be spry 
 about it." 
 
 While he is gone to get the liquor the general expression is, 
 "He is a fine boy, a real generous whole-souled feller to live and 
 let live; yes, he has a large heart which thumps within his ribs. 
 Here he comes; be careful, don't spill the liquor." Takes the first 
 drink, "Age goes before beauty; good luck to all," and hands the 
 tin around, remarking, "If my mother had given this kind of milk 
 I would wish I was a child again." 
 
 All take a drink, smack their lips, "Good liquor, bully for 
 the new boots," and while one is holding the tin to take his turn 
 in a spirit of kindness wishes that all had a throat as long as a 
 fence rail, to have a longer benefit of a drink, which meets with 
 general approval. 
 
 No sooner is the liquor put out of sight one of the crowd saj'S, 
 "I see a new shirt, a new shirt; come old fellow soak the shirt." 
 All, "A quart of whiske}^ a quart of whiskey." The shirt will 
 render him good service not to be released from duty while it is 
 a shirt, unless there be too much lively company to be flung 
 overboard. 
 
 The new shirt man is only too willing to set it up, but makes 
 known the fact that he is completely bankrupt, not one cent of 
 money. 
 
 He is given to understand that he is acting "possum," and 
 
ISl 
 
 the question is put, "What did you do with your money paid you 
 yesterday for three weeks wages?' ' 
 
 "You see for yourself I need a new suit, and — " interrupting 
 him, "Never mind, get the whiskey; no dodging, no dodging." 
 
 "Let me speak out; I will show you where my money went. 
 After I had bought me a new shirt, and was on my way to a 
 clothing store, the first thing I knew some one gave me a jog in 
 my short ribs, and upon looking around what do you suppose I 
 saw?" 
 
 "A man," was the answer, "with a pleasant smile, who 
 wanted a drink of whiskey." 
 
 "All but the man, but a pair of sparkling eyes set in a 
 woman's head, which spoke to me in silent language, and we 
 soon struck up a chat, and oh how she spoke with a warm, gush- 
 ing heart, give ras the principle of a man in rags rather than a 
 thing in broadcloth." 
 
 "She eased you of your bottom dollar," was the general re- 
 mark. 
 
 "That's what's the matter; I could not act the wet dog; I 
 had to set it up with a few glasses. She was as fine a piece of 
 mutton as ever stepped in shoe leather." 
 
 They all bite their lower lips, and one makes the suggestion 
 that there is a day's wages coming to him, and if he will allow 
 the clerk to retain it the bar-keeper will give him a quart of 
 whiskey on tick. "Bully for you; two heads are always better 
 than one, if one is a cabbage head," starts off for the whiskey 
 and presently returns. 
 
 "Here he comes, not a bad fellow after all, a man, every 
 inch of him a man." 
 
 Gives a toast, "Here is to you flattering rogues; a quart of 
 whiskey makes me a man." Passing the liquor around each 
 drinks and gives a toast. One of the toasts, "Here goes; she 
 was as fine a piece of mutton as ever stepped in shoe leather," 
 
182 
 
 and while he is looking down his nose they all have a good 
 laugh. 
 
 Sambo and Jackson must have a drink. Sambo takes a drink 
 under a pretext of tasting it. "Dat am good liquor," smacks 
 his lips, "I reckon I'll take a sip," gives a toast, "Here goes; a 
 nigger am no better den die white men if die white man behaves 
 hisself." 
 
 And Jackson, after taking what the river men call a snort, 
 "Die Lord bless die white folks." 
 
 The witty toast of Sambo causes a laugh, "Bully for Sambo, 
 a .smart nigger." 
 
 A New Song, Dance and Whiskey. 
 
 As it is quite natural the amount of liquor consumed has put 
 life in the crowd, where in such cases human nature begins to 
 sing. 
 
 The suggestion is made to have a song. Some begin the old 
 song — 
 
 "Dance, the boatman dance, 
 Dance all night till broad daylight. 
 And go home with the girls in the morning." 
 
 This is, however, considered old. Something new, some- 
 thing new is wanted, and the suggestion is made to sing the negro 
 song, "Die captain wid die chambermaid," which is likewise out 
 of date, and in place of the old songs, Sambo and Jackson are 
 called upon to give them something new, to leave the captain out 
 and give the steward a rub. 
 
 Sambo and Jackson make it known that they have composed 
 a new song, with the captain left out and the steward put in, 
 which does not meet with much confidence, as the negro songs 
 seem to be all poetry and no rh3^me. 
 
183 
 
 "I was coming down die riber on a log, 
 And when die niggers seed me, I was setting on a hog," 
 
 is a question of fancy to be viewed from different standpoints. 
 
 Sambo speaks out, "Me and Jackson hab a song with the 
 poetry left out." 
 
 Many voices, " Let's hear the song." 
 
 Sambo begins with the remark, "If die white men can make 
 it an}' better why you is welcome." 
 
 Die steward am most blessed, 
 Wid die women am first die best; 
 While we muss work soon and late, 
 lie is wid die chambermaid. 
 
 ("Good, good, bully for Sambo and Jackson; go on, go on.") 
 
 Wid our hard work and no relief, 
 
 Eat hard tack and tough beef. 
 
 Die fireman who pokes die fire with a punch, 
 
 Muss eat die old tough beef for his lunch. 
 
 ("Just the ticket; good, good, go on.") 
 
 Die pilot muss be at die wheel, 
 Wid chilly bones, cold muss feel. 
 Die engineer wid steam hot blast. 
 Muss stick it out first and last. 
 
 ("All right. Sambo, now for the chorus.") "All right," 
 he says, "I hab it." 
 
 Die river man is trump to spend his cash, 
 
 Wid die girls to make a mash; 
 
 To dance all night on die shore. 
 
 Will sober up by day and work for more. 
 
 An Irishman who has evidently been there, "to sober up by 
 day and work for more," thinks it is a "bloody good song." 
 
 A German, however, makes the remark that he used to 
 know a religious hypocrite by the name of Hansal, to make 
 rhymes and songs for the niggers about the captain and the 
 chambermaid, and laugh in his sleeve to hear them sing. 
 
184 
 
 Sambo, who is a shrewd old darkey, is not slow to under- 
 stand the insinuation, comes with a retort that it does some men 
 a power of good in their opinion to think themselves smarter 
 than a nigger, and says, "I is free to confess dat die song I was 
 coming down die riber on a log, and when die nigger sees me I 
 was setting on a hog, am not die best of poetry wid die upper 
 crust white folks, but am just as good as some of die white folks 
 songs. I often sees and hears die Germans when dey get dar 
 heads full of lager beer sing in 'In Lauterbach hab ich mein 
 stromp vorloren,' Dat as am explained to me means in the city 
 of Lauterbach I have lost my sock, and so I go right back to 
 Lauterbach and get me a sock on my leg. 
 
 "Now dis am sung by all die Germans over die whole world, 
 and now dis child would like to know whar does die rhyme or die 
 poetry come in at ? Dis nigger is of die opinion dat it am lucky 
 for die nigger dat he never made dis song because die poetry 
 must be in die lager beer. ' ' 
 
 Sambo, after having defended the colored race on poetry, is 
 requested to give out the new song. He makes the suggestion 
 that Jackson who used to be a class leader in church can do that 
 best, and Jackson readily comes to time to give it out, and they 
 all join in. 
 
 The next thing in order is to have a stag dance, and Jackson 
 who is somewhat of a fiddler but only has two strings on his 
 fiddle, makes a virtue of necessity, and does the best he can for 
 the stag dance. 
 
 As the new boots and the new shirt had to be soaked the new 
 song had to comply with the rule, so Sambo the author allows 
 his vanity to be flattered and sets it up for the boys, which as a 
 matter of course makes him a man of white principles and a white 
 heart, every inch of him a man. 
 
 He gives a toast, "Here is foh Sam, every inch a man, wid 
 a white heart, foh a quart of whiskey." 
 
185 
 
 The last thing on the program is what the boatmen call going 
 up town, because the towns lay higher than the boats, and the 
 Irishman proposes to go to Mrs. O' Flanagan, who keeps a shop 
 with a sign up to "L,ive and let live," where an honest man can 
 get a drink on tick. 
 
 One of the crowd has much to say in her favor. "She is a 
 real clever woman, keeps good liquor, has fine daughters and 
 nice girls about the house — all plain clever girls — none of your 
 stuck up aristocrats, but all dressed in home-spun to make the 
 laborer feel at home. One and all would make bully wives for 
 men," a fact which causes some to bite their lower lips, but still 
 they are willing to run the risk. 
 
 This leaves a few in a bad pickle, with no money and per- 
 haps with their names for a long account upon her slate. 
 
 The common saying by a certain class of men, "That the 
 world owes me a living, ' ' will leave one in a tight pinch when it 
 comes to pay for a liquor bill, which fact is forcibly impressed 
 upon two of the crowd. 
 
 Roustabout No. 1 — "Will some good friend loan me a few 
 dollars?" 
 
 Roustabout No. 2 — "I am in the same fix; I will pay it back 
 double. ' ' 
 
 Deckhand No. 1 — "I am sorry, but I have just enough to 
 have a little fun for myself. ' ' 
 
 Deckhand No. 2 — "It hurts me that I cannot help a friend; 
 I must pay an old debt on the slate." 
 
 Deckhand No. 3 — "It pains my heart, but I must buy me a 
 pair of boots; you see my toes have too much daylight." 
 
 Deckhand No. 4 — "O how I would like to help you, but I 
 must send my money home to mother." 
 
 Roustabout No. 1 — "I will sell my shirt for half what it is 
 worth if \'ou will let me wear it to-night." 
 
186 
 
 Roustabout No. 2 — "I will do the same with ray boots; what 
 say you, Dutchinan? you always have money." 
 
 The German is shrewd enough to know that possession is 
 nine points of the law; that to advance the money on the boots 
 without possession is rather risky, and to buy the shirt might 
 bring him lively company, so he declined the offer. 
 
 Roustabout No. 1 — "But a short time ago both of us were 
 fine men, every inch a man, while you drank at our expense; but 
 after our whiskey has run down your throats you all act the wet 
 dog; none of you will give us a red cent." 
 
 German — "We are no pawn-brokers, but Mrs. O' Flanagan 
 is considerable in that line of business, taking articles in exchange 
 for liquor and tobacco. She will make you a trade to help you 
 out of your pickle to get your liquor and tobacco." 
 
 Both roustabouts, "Bully for the Dutchman's idea; what a 
 thing it is to have learning." 
 
 An Irishman, "The ould woman can wear the boots and her 
 girls the shirt." 
 
 Thus we see the effect religion has upon a certain class of 
 people, like throwing pearls before swine, with exceptional cases 
 where religion has a good influence. 
 
 Religion seems to be strictly located in the upper story, 
 while the lower will carry out Its animal propensities, somewhat 
 held in check as a matter of policy by the better classes and by 
 the lower classes by the strong arm of the law. 
 
 Religion, with a large per cent, of men, is in a true sense a 
 kind of an hypnotized hallucination of the brain, because the 
 inmates of the lowest brothel and foul dens as a rule all believe 
 in religion. Some of these people in their low debauched lives 
 will strictly observe the Sabbath, and men known to be guilty of 
 murder considered it a sin to eat meat on Friday. 
 
 In South America people have religion down to a fine point. 
 In the forenoon on Sunday the sinners go to church for ablution 
 
187 
 
 from sins and in the afternoon to cock and bull fights, and it is 
 said that the minister himself may be seen going to a cock pit 
 with a fighting cock under his arm. 
 
 Religion seems to do some people a power of good leading a 
 low debauched life six daj s in the week and attending church on 
 Sunday; committing murder and eating no meat on Friday, and 
 offering up a pious prayer in the morning and after dinner tortur 
 ing animals for pastime. 
 
 Hansal's New Way to Make Converts. 
 
 By the way our remarkable character gets a bug in his ear 
 and is fully impressed with the truth that one's personal ex- 
 perience is the only true teacher, and to gather lambs into the 
 folds of the church he must pursue some other course. 
 
 He has learned that heathens are as a rule Christianized in- 
 directly by showing them kindness, in medical attendance which 
 is a very acceptable bait, as it is mentioned by some writers that 
 a debauched worn-out African king with thirty or forty wives 
 will ask the missionaries for medicine to help him on his legs. 
 
 Now as color is only skin deep the chances are that human 
 nature is all the same, white or black; and as he has often known 
 river men to sometimes act so indiscreet in their ways to necessi- 
 tate what the boatmen call "going on the dry docks for repairs,' 
 the lucky idea comes to him that molasses will catch flies and 
 that the reason of the poor man lies in his stomach while that of 
 the rich in his purse. 
 
 He knows well enough that his only chance for promotion is 
 the number of lambs he can bring into the fold, whether it be 
 piety clothed in rags or a besotted smeary roustabout; all the 
 same, every lamb will count. 
 
 Upon the principle that man is most useful to himself as he 
 is useful to others, with a bottle of whiskey in one pocket and 
 all the medical appliances in the other, in consideration for his 
 
188 
 
 services rendered, he gathers a lot of customers to go to church 
 with him, making a show of doing efficient work much better 
 than by a prayer or sermon. 
 
 Human Nature Away from Home. 
 
 Four main pillars of moral society, a member of Congress, 
 an honorable Judge, a Doctor and a Reverend away from home, 
 with their necks out of the moral social halter. 
 
 The M. C. and the Judge have their certificates of their 
 election for office. The M. D. has a diploma and the Reverend 
 has nothing to show from any particular headquarters, as Prof. 
 Tyndall calls all servants of the Lord, "Squatters without a 
 title." 
 
 Now to be rightly understood in olden times a boat run from 
 Pittsburgh to St. Louis would as a rule stop at some of the main 
 ports on her way, what some of the river men call "laying into 
 port." They would sometimes lay for one or two days to gather 
 more freight or passengers, giving ample time for the passengers 
 to go what was called "up town." 
 
 In our story we have a boat laying in port at night with a 
 number of nice men on board cautiously pumping each other to 
 find some congenial soul to join in to have a little stroll uptown. 
 This is usually termed "seeing the pictures." They are all as 
 uneasy as a horse gnawing his bridle bit; all ready for up town, 
 but the question "Am I safe; who will go with me?" 
 
 Here we have a pointer for all those who take a little time to 
 think that man is simply a limb of nature. As Pope says, "We 
 are but parts of one stupendous whole," and upon a little reflec- 
 tion it is plain to perceive how strictly man conforms to natural 
 laws which govern animated and inanimated nature in all respects 
 whatever. 
 
 All educated men admit the fact that from a physical stand- 
 point man is an animal, and the only difference is that men of a 
 
189 
 
 religious belief give man a soul, which they deny to other 
 animals. 
 
 All things in nature are governed by what one may call 
 forces, like the oak by one force stands upright and by another 
 bends in the wind, to which rule man forms no exception. 
 
 A boat is kept in the channel by the force of the pilot, but 
 sometimes it takes a sheer by a stronger force, contrary to the 
 natural course. 
 
 When man is at home under the eyes of his family and neigh- 
 bors his natural inclinations are kept in check by the moral force 
 of public opinion; and when away from home the force of his in- 
 clinations, with rare exceptions, will be the strongest to take a 
 sheer on the pilot sometimes to strike a snag to cause penance 
 and need repairs. 
 
 To come right to the point, however, a certain four legged 
 animal with long ears when well fed in confinement when re- 
 leased from the halter and set free will take a good shake, kick 
 up his heels and flop his ears as much as to say now for a little 
 fun; while a certain biped who has no long ears to flop, with his 
 neck out of the social halter, will shake off the blues by other 
 means. 
 
 Human nature will not down, but act in obedience to the 
 strongest force; in this respect man has undergone no change 
 aside from getting a cloak of civilized hypocrisy. The spots of 
 the leopard are the same. 
 
 Man is a kind of moving world on a small scale — a patch- 
 work of different organs, which are all grown fast to each other 
 and cannot very well be detached. 
 
 Thus we have four real nice men away from home who could 
 not unscrew themselves to leave some parts in the cupboard at 
 home, but the whole man goes in a lump. 
 
 Our honorable member of Congress and our honorable 
 Judge are linking arms, pacing up and down the guards. Both 
 
190 
 
 are talking wisely; the common run of men know nothing, but 
 they know it all. 
 
 Our honorable M. C. seems to be on the shady side of thirty, 
 smooth face (without that bunch of hair under his nose called a 
 moustache, which was not fashionable in those days), a restless 
 eye. He is up to time; full of talk; full of wisdom; has seen 
 hard knocks; a self-made man; has been a squire; member of the 
 Legislature, and was elected to Congress because he could afford 
 to wear the best clothing. 
 
 Our honorable M. C. keeps his lower jaw in constant lateral 
 motion in grinding up Kentucky dog-leg tobacco, and whenever 
 he passes what is usually called a "spit-box" gives the same a 
 squirt of the brown juice with a more exact precision than a boy 
 with a squirt gun. 
 
 Our most honorable Judge seems to have seen forty winters; 
 has a round and rather shrewd good-naturd face, fleshy, bald- 
 headed, chin propped up with a black cravat, and he wears a 
 claw-hammer coat topped off with brass buttons. 
 
 Was elected because a member of the church, had a famtlv 
 to support, and above all was a clever fellow. 
 
 His honor is also chewing the Kentucky weed, and has pro- 
 vided himself with a plug six by two inches long and one inch 
 through, which he inserts between his teeth about an inch; 
 contracts the muscles of lower jaw, shuts his eves, pulls with 
 both hands; off, off she goes to replenish the grinding appa- 
 ratus. 
 
 But the honorable M. C. is ahead in squirting the brown 
 juice. The reason is his honor's front is almost in a circle — what 
 the river men call a "shad belly" — so his honor would allow the 
 brown iuice to gather, and after it would interfere with a swim- 
 ming tongue would neatly spread his legs before the "spit-box" 
 to balance himself like all fat men do; then bend over gracefully 
 
191 
 
 to give the spittoon a dose and spatter the liquid in all direc- 
 tions. 
 
 The reader will here observe the saying that the American 
 people are a nation of tobacco chewers, has more truth than 
 poetry in it; at least in olden times. 
 
 One of the most unsightly sights on a boat was to see some 
 parts all bespattered with tobacco juice. The machinery, 
 benches, floors of the engine room, the bulk heads of the pilot 
 house, as a rule, were always entitled to a good dose, and it was 
 nothing uncommon to see a half inch crust of tobacco on the 
 rim of a stove. 
 
 Not only the men but a considerable portion of the women 
 used the weed (excepting the fresh German women), but the old 
 settlers understood how to squirt the liquid, the upper classes on 
 the sly. 
 
 The doctrine that woman is incapable to equal man in skill- 
 ful arts does not hold good with tobacco; an old second-handed 
 chambermaid could squirt the brown juice through her toothless 
 gums and hit the mark at a distance to be truly astonishing. 
 
 Thus having done the fair thing with the fair sex, that she 
 is capable of improvement in the skillful arts, let us return to 
 our company. 
 
 Here we have the honorable M. C. and the honorable Judge 
 linked in arms, pacing the guards, and being in the calling quite 
 naturally have a chat on law points to pave the way, finally to 
 switch off on to other subjects and thoughts more agreeable 
 than dry law points. 
 
 Soon the M. C. manages to switch off on another subject, 
 remarking, "I was told by the captain that the boat would re- 
 main in this port all night. I feel a little moody from anxious 
 cares in close confinement while at the Capitol under a thousand 
 knowing eyes. I long to breathe a mouthful of fresh air, with a 
 
192 
 
 little elbow room. What say you to a little stroll up town, as the 
 saying goes, to see the 'pictures?' " 
 
 Our Judge is keen to take it in. He is a shrewd man, and 
 as a judge knows that all words spoken are accompanied by an 
 index of expression of the features, and with his eye fixed on 
 Mr. M. C. smelt what the river men call "a rat;" but as the 
 brown juice has gathered ahead to float his tongue, so after ex- 
 cusing himself for a moment, he pays his respects to the "spit- 
 box." 
 
 So his honor after relieving his tongue, says, "I know too 
 well how to appreciate your suggestion. I feel the social halter 
 about my neck as keenly as any other man, and since the rein 
 has slackend up a little, I feel like enjoying the play-room of the 
 rope. 
 
 "Where would you go to feast our eyes and ears; to shake 
 off our blues, to fire us up a little, to infuse new thoughts into 
 old heads?" 
 
 In answer to which Mr. M. C. answers, "As a member of 
 Congress I ought to know the ins and outs of our nation. All 
 we have to do is to tickle the palm of the porter's hand with a 
 crumb; he will in a few minutes have a carriage at the foot of the 
 stage plank, of which the horses will understand their own busi- 
 ness to go and stop at the right place without a driver." 
 
 "Do you pretend to say that dumb brutes will know where 
 we wish to go?" 
 
 In reply to this question, "The horses know not our inten- 
 tions, but will go and stop in their old route like automatons. 
 In this respect man and beast are the same, both inclined to re- 
 peat their former acts; and right here your honor may make a 
 mark for philosophical pondering. Are man's actions as a rule 
 anything more than a mere repetition ? Have you not noticed 
 stage horses stop at stations, yea your own horse stops at a 
 tavern?' ' 
 
193 
 
 His honor being philosophically inclined stands motionless 
 for a moment, with one eye closed, crossing two fingers in deep 
 meditation, exclaims, "Sure enough; you are right, right, 
 right." 
 
 "As a matter of course I am right. When the carriage runs 
 passengers at a dark hour of the night, the horses will go to the 
 true old route to find the best locations; a real treat away from 
 home." 
 
 The porter understands his business. He has often been 
 there and is well posted to get his tips from respectable "gemmen 
 to hab a little fun," getting old horses that know the route and 
 will be sure to stop at the right place. 
 
 The next question asked, "Do you think we are safe to keep 
 matters mumbled up?" 
 
 "Just as safe as wheat in the mill," is the reply of Mr. M. C. 
 "It is better, however, to be careful and prudent; we can dress 
 in disguise as river men and act a little free and easy like boat- 
 men; with the late dark hour of night for a handy screen we 
 can have our own fun. That all cows are black in the dark is a 
 bliss." 
 
 "You are right," says his honor; "that which is unseen is 
 no evidence to the eye. After all in the dark lays the spice 
 of life." 
 
 By the way the honorable M. C. has a bottle in his pocket 
 to warm up the inner man. He knows well enough that the 
 Judge's old bald head has young thoughts like all bald heads; 
 but is also shrewd enough to know that old heads are full of 
 caution, and that when matters come to the pinch the old head 
 may back out, so as a matter of policy a little stimulant is the 
 very thing to screw up courage. 
 
 So after emitting the Kentucky, he makes the suggestion, 
 "Rather chilly night air; I believe I will take a little," and takes 
 what the river men call a "snort," and. after smacking his lips. 
 
194 
 
 hands the bottle to his honor, who had, however, just inserted a 
 new plug; but as it would not have been polite for a Judge in 
 company to save in his hat, out goes the plug and he takes a sip. 
 "Rather chilly night air." 
 
 Whiskey and Tobacco. 
 
 Right here by the way let us sandwich in a few remarks on 
 the drink question. 
 
 In the years of the forties, to the writer's knowledge, there 
 were only a few lager beer breweries west of the Allegheny 
 Mountains, but oceans of whiskey and tons of tobacco; every 
 boat had a bar, and even some of the largest boats on the lower 
 Mississippi had two. 
 
 The bars were exposed well to the public view in the main 
 cabin, with fancy gilded bottles as an ornamental appendage to 
 set off the furniture; but now-a-days boats either have no bar at 
 all or at least in some place not exposed to public view. 
 
 There was no going back on whiskey. It was the first 
 drink in the morning, with a jug in the field and work shops, 
 and many of the stores and taverns had a free jug of whiskey 
 and a basket of free stogies standing on the counter. As a mat- 
 ter of history the American people soon learned to make this 
 pioneer article; even most of the molasses was made into rum in- 
 stead of sugar. 
 
 George Washington had his own distillery, and it is said got 
 a good price per gallon, because the article had a good send off 
 from the Father of his country. 
 
 Whiskey was much cheaper then than milk is now-a-days, 
 and a distillery was in a way a substitute for a cow for the 
 family. 
 
 Aside from this pioneer article the country was flooded under 
 a low tariff with cheap foreign wine, often used by the rich in 
 place of tea or coffee at the table. 
 
195 
 
 It is needless to say that the country being blessed with alco- 
 hol and tobacco the women got their share in a modest way on 
 the sly on steamboats through the chambermaid, who herself 
 with a red nose would give the ladies a hint of the fine liquors 
 which could be had at the bar. 
 
 The American women enjoyed the weed in chewing, smoking 
 and rubbing snuff, and took whiskey straight in the raw (with 
 exceptional cases where they used neither) ; but the foreign-bom 
 women as a rule were not addicted to the habit, but the genteel 
 classes could empty out a full bottle of strong foreign wine and 
 stand up under it much better than American women. 
 
 Although under a low tariff and the country full of cheap 
 wine, but the rub came in for the poor man to raise a few Fibs 
 and Bits to pay for it. Like the Irishman who could get a 
 loaf for a penny in Ireland, but did not have the penny to get 
 the loaf. 
 
 There was no trouble to get com tea. A dram could be had 
 most anywhere, for there was even a dram shop in front of a 
 church in a certain location in Monroe County, Ohio, where one 
 could get both alcoholic and religious spiritual exhilaration all 
 at once; but the only chance for a poor man in those days to get 
 a drink of that good cheap foreign wine under low tariff was to 
 go on the mourner's bench, with the privilege of having a draw 
 at the sacrament. 
 
 Having disposed of the saying of the old grandmother with 
 her trembling shaking head, "The people are not what they used 
 to be," let us return to our company. 
 
 The honorable M. C. is a member of Congress, and as a mem- 
 ber belongs to the better class, and the better classes are watched 
 just in proportion as they are better, so he conveys idea with a 
 
 little rhyme — 
 
 "Birds which fly low 
 
 Attract but little show. 
 
 Just exactly true and so," 
 
196 
 
 said the Judge as an addition, and further remarking, "Your 
 
 rhyme fits like the fist on an eye. You were born for a poet," 
 
 and being born for a poet, he gets off two more sentences, to 
 which the Judge adds the third — 
 
 "If you deem it wise 
 For fear the skies have eyes, 
 Let us dress in disguise." 
 
 Having helped each other out, and each being bom for a 
 poet, was worth having a good hearty laugh over, and a good 
 laugh is worth a treat, so out comes the bottle; and after the 
 bottle each takes a good snap of the weed, as man in a state of 
 excitement will grind up double the amount of tobacco. 
 
 So after smacking their lips and grinding their teeth to ex- 
 cite the saliva for the brown juice like a boy with a squirt gun, 
 Mr. M. C. said, "As to myself I feel secure in running the 
 gauntlet, for while we recognize those who are familiar to us by 
 their mere shadows, strangers seldom attract our attention, be- 
 cause our brain is a blank to their features; to know one's soul 
 requires time, as strangers are mostly known by their garments, 
 as you know clothing makes men and dry goods makes women. 
 
 "Men are seldom observed by a mere glance even by their 
 acquaintances when away from home, because they are not 
 looked for; and if we assume clothing and characters foreign to 
 our calling, we will be safe beyond a reasonable doubt, but 
 assuming the worst, what have we to fear; I enact the law and 
 you enforce it." 
 
 "Your last remark as a joke reminds me of a case," said his 
 honor, "which I had pending before me at one time, in which a 
 woman was indicted for keeping a whiskey shop, and her reputa- 
 tion was none of the best otherwise, and so help me General 
 Jackson the lawyers, court officers, jurors and of course the wit- 
 nesses had been her best customers." 
 
197 
 
 So Mr. M. C. naturally asked the question, "What did you 
 do with the case?" to which the ready reply was, "We found her 
 guilty to give a good example and to satisfy public opinion, but 
 finally the attorneys cleared the woman by knocking the case out 
 of court upon an arrest of judgment." 
 
 Giving his colleague a jog with his thumb they both joined 
 in a good laugh, after which he continued, "I am not exactly 
 afraid; nevertheless in ticklish business we always like to have 
 company. There is a merchant on board who is undoubtedly 
 well posted, because tradesmen are constantly traveling; perhaps 
 he will go along." 
 
 This does not exactly meet the views of Mr. M. C. upon the 
 grounds that the merchant is too well known; but he makes the 
 suggestion, "There is a Doctor and a Reverend on board who 
 would be more suitable and attract less attention as strangers, 
 who might come handy in case we need physical repairs and 
 spiritual ablution." 
 
 The idea meets with favor, with the remark, "Good, good, 
 your suggestion is a capital one, and it would be the best joke of 
 the season to have a servant of the Lord with us, but I have my 
 doubts whether he will go; as a matter of course there is but 
 little doubt as to the Doctor." 
 
 "There is also no doubt as to this attorney of heaven. The 
 fact that he preaches on Sunday for an honest penny does not 
 make him better than us; all we have to do is to work our cards 
 right," is the opinion of Mr. M. C. 
 
 "There is no doubt about this heaven's angel going if we 
 use a little strategy. All we have to do is to clothe our in- 
 tentions in the garb of innocence for him to accompany us. 
 Man's religion or morality away from home or in the dark is not 
 far-fetched." 
 
 His honor, however, asks the question, "Will his shrewd- 
 ness not detect our deception?' ' 
 
198 
 
 "Most assuredly, like the poodle who sees his master with a 
 fishing pole or a hunting dog, the gun knows the intentions of 
 the owner, so will he know the game we meant to hunt." 
 
 "I hope it is nothing new to you to know that man in cer- 
 tain couditions is only too willing to be deceived under a plausi- 
 ble pretext; all his sacredness wants is a screen, so that the 
 elders of the church can in a pinch whitewash him out." 
 
 "Let me ask j^ou a question." "All right," was the reply. 
 "Has Christian civilization shown itself to be anything more 
 than a social whitewash scarcely skin deep ? The public stage is 
 the only place where human nature is shown in its true light, yet 
 the naked truth dare not be told; it is only in the rear of the 
 scenes and not in the front that man acts out his true nature. It 
 is man's nature to conceal and hide; he houses in his body ex- 
 cepting his ears, eyes, nose and face, which are left exposed to 
 view from necessity." 
 
 To this rule of hypocrisy our Reverend forms no exception. 
 "But," interposed the Judge, "may he not be governed by re- 
 ligious convictions?" "Not a bit of it; the world is brimful of 
 different acts in the rear of the scenes, as man is governed b}^ 
 his feelings, which have a deaf ear to religion. The stronger 
 feeling will force the weaker to the wall in spite of man's 
 teeth. 
 
 "All man wants is a good chance or a pretext to act the 
 hypocrite, and as a rule he will be sure to act it, as we may take 
 for instance if I were to offer his holiness 3 drink out of our 
 bottle as a beverage he might take it as an insult, but if I will 
 take a drink in his presence under a feigned indisposition he will 
 get the sham grips immediately and will take what the river men 
 call a good 'snifter.' " 
 
 The Judges precaution caused him to remark, "You had 
 better be careful; you will endanger our success to get his com- 
 pan)'." 
 
199 
 
 '•I will wager you a net hat," was the reply, "that he will 
 take two drinks for one. Have you not noticed men drinking 
 out of a bottle, how they took the first drink under false pre- 
 tense, smack their lips, rub their stomach, hold the bottle up to 
 the light, shake it, 'That's good liquor; I will take a little.' A 
 new hat, a new hat if you dare." 
 
 Shaking his head, "I am no betting man. but I guess that 
 there is no risk about the Doctor. ' ' 
 
 "You are exactly right, you can go your bottom dollar on 
 him. I sounded him; a regular Dutch blatherskite; a free 
 thinker; wears eye-glasses, not because he needs them, but be- 
 cause he has studied in Berlin, drank beer in Berlin, sang songs 
 in Berlin, and above all fought duels in Berlin. His skin is all 
 hacked with scars and his right arm is almost useless from numer- 
 ous cuts, of which he is very proud; one has been cut by a noted 
 Professor, another by a Lord, the third by a Prince and the fourth 
 by a millionaire; he is in one sense an educated man and in another 
 a fool. How strange that learning which makes man wise also 
 makes him an egotistical fool; American common sense goes far 
 above educated nonsense." 
 
 The Judge here remarked, "I only see one advantage in his 
 honorable scars. Should he ever fall among cannibals there 
 would be no danger of having a drum-head made out of his hide, 
 as there are too many holes in it." 
 
 "A good hit," .said the M. C; "as the devil will have it, 
 when you speak of the rabbit he will leap out of the bush. Here 
 he comes bowing politely." 
 
 "Gut evening, gentlemen, a berry nice evening." 
 
 M. C. introducing him, "Honorable Shrewd from Illinois, 
 Dr. Weisheit from Berlin." 
 
 "You must excuse me," said the Doctor, "I read English, 
 French, Greek, Latin, but le no talk gut English." 
 
 The question is put, "How do you like this country?" 
 
200 
 
 "Me like dis kuntry plenty better dan Germany; me bish 
 bleased mid die rich land and die gut climate." 
 
 Live Pork on thk Tabi,e. 
 
 "How do you like our mode of living?" 
 
 "Veil, veil, dat ish a madder of custom; we cook die meat 
 done and you put it mid blut on die table." 
 
 The Judge interposed, with a smile, "We sometimes do 
 worse than that; I have seen live pork dished up on a steamboat's 
 table." 
 
 The Doctor looked over his eye-glasses, twirled his mous- 
 tache as much as to say you are trying to make sport with a 
 Dutchman; but after a moments reflection, "Veil, veil, gentle- 
 men, I dink you mean two-legged pigs." 
 
 "No, I mean bona fide four-legged pigs." 
 
 "What, what," said M. C, "live pigs; explain yourself." 
 
 "About twenty years ago I was a passenger on a boat laying 
 at Louisville, Ky. In those days it was customary to have 
 roasted pigs on the table. The steward had bought two live 
 pigs and instructed the butcher to put them in a coop on the 
 hurricane deck. At that time boats were built different from 
 now; the skylights had the appearance of a trap door of a coop. 
 We had a newly-married couple on board, sitting at the dinner- 
 table, and a Reverend who sat at the head of the table in front 
 of a nice roasted pig. His holiness was asked to give a blessing, 
 and as he folded his hands, rolling his eyes heavenwards to offer 
 up thanks to bountiful heaven, down, down, casouse, casouse, 
 came two live pigs right in front of him, spattering the gravy in 
 all directions, with a general smash-up of the crockery, and as a 
 matter of course the newly-married couple and his holiness got 
 a good dose of grease, causing the spots of the leopard on fine 
 silk and broadcloth." 
 
 "Worth a treat, a treat," remarked the M. C; and after a 
 
201 
 
 real good hearty laugh, to hold their sides, all take a smile out of 
 the bottle to top off the fun. 
 
 After the laugh was over, said his honor, "Well, Doctor, 
 will you give in now?" 
 
 "Yas, yas," was the reply, "sees you Americans bish full of 
 fun and jokes, but me likes dat." 
 
 "So you like the American people?" 
 
 "Veil, veil, excuse gentlemen. You act free und easy mit 
 me and I act free und easy mid you," looking over the top of 
 his specks as much as to say you corn-fed American humbugs I 
 will give you a rub anyhow. 
 
 "Die Americans are a gut peoples, a smart peoples, a gener- 
 ous peoples, und da bish full of push in business. Da break up 
 mit laugh und fun; da break up another time and laugh, den da 
 go to den church to make humbug mid religion." 
 
 "Have you no religious humbug in Germany?" asks the 
 M. C. 
 
 "O, mine gutness, mine gutness, lots humbug mid die com- 
 mon people und die priests, but not mid die upper classes like in 
 dis kuntry." 
 
 "How is that; explain yourself." 
 
 "I yust dell you die learned men no believe die humbug, but 
 die stupid people believe a fat heaven vas made for den poor man 
 und a hot hell for his benefit of revenge of den rich. Yust let 
 me tell you how die people is humbugged mit religion. Yen a 
 woman gets intimate mid a preacher and gets scared she pays 
 him one tholler for a brayer und ablution; he get pay for his fun 
 in die bargain." 
 
 "That is quite an improvement of the old ancient heathen 
 religion of Rome," remarked his honor, "where the priests had 
 their fun with the women and passed themselves off for Gods, 
 without, however, getting pay for their fraudulent trickery." 
 
 In accordance with the rules, when one makes a smart, 
 
202 
 
 witty remark, a laugh to show an appreciation is naturally 
 looked for, and so to compl> with the rule all laugh at the point 
 where it comes in; and so after having duly appreciated the joke, 
 the honorable M. C. said to the Doctor, "When you came we 
 were just talking matters over about going up town to see the 
 pictures, and we would be happy to have your company." 
 
 The Doctor was quick to reply, "Me go mid j^ou any place 
 if me gits no trouble. Vas mean you by pictures?" 
 
 "It means to have a little innocent fun, which to get to the 
 best advantage men generally go in the forepart of the night to 
 some church or praj^er-meeting as a respectable screen, after 
 which they go where there is good music and dancing." 
 
 "Me likes good music und wine, but me no like to go to 
 den church or brayer meeting. Mid us in Germany nodding but 
 die common people, die childrens, die women und die fools und 
 rascals go to den church und die brayer-meetings; but ven die 
 better classes goes to des blaces da set one pad example, pad ex- 
 ample. To go to the theatre ish die blace where die respectable 
 mens go." 
 
 "There seems truth in your philosophy, that which conceals 
 guilt proves it. Those who go to the theatre show the most 
 honest intention." 
 
 The M. C. here remarked, clapping the Doctor on the 
 shoulder, "We have a Reverend on board and it would be the 
 best joke of the season to have this servant of the Lord in our 
 company. ' ' 
 
 The Doctor looked over his glasses. "Me had one big talk 
 mid him. He bish nodding but one big humbug; vat you vant 
 mid dat humbugs?" 
 
 "If we have a minister of the Gospel with us it will give 
 our company a respectable send off," intimated the M. C. 
 
 "You dink die humbug will go mid us?" 
 
 "Yes, if we work our cards right; he is only too willing to be 
 
203 
 
 innocently deceived. I oflfered his honor a bet of a new hat that 
 he will take two drinks out of this bottle in place of one. I will 
 take a drink in his presence, pretending to feel indisposed, and 
 you Doctor must recommend a drink of good liquor as being the 
 very thing, and you can take my word for it he will immediately 
 get the feigned grips." 
 
 While they were talking the matter over the Reverend made 
 his appearance, taking a walk on the outer guards for a little ex- 
 ercise. 
 
 The question was naturally asked, "Who is he?" At pres- 
 ent it is sufficient to know that he looks for all the world like 
 a certain character fully introduced, known by the name of Han- 
 sal; but the Reverend has no slit in his ear, while Hansal had. 
 The mystery will be explained in due time. 
 
 One thing it is well enough to mention, however, that all 
 the pockets in his clothing are more than double the usual size, 
 and those in his overcoat are large enough to admit a leg of mut- 
 ton or a ham, a few dozen of eggs; so in going the round among 
 the holy sisters to offer up a few prayers, if a good Christian 
 woman should give a few dozen eggs, some pious soul a jar of 
 apple butter and another a ham, and so on, they would really 
 sustain this servant of the Lord; he can sink them out of sight 
 in his bounteous pockets. 
 
 It is not necessary to introduce him to the trio; he being a 
 minister has license to make himself known. He eyes the com- 
 pany, who make a polite bow to him, keenly, and in reply re- 
 marked, "How goes the evening?" 
 
 The Judge, as one of the trio, to carry out this innocent con- 
 spiracy as a pleasing fraud all round, remarked, "You know 
 travelling soon puts one under the weather, but we have been 
 whiling away the evening the best we know how." 
 
 So the Doctor, to perform his part, comes to time, "Die 
 wedder is damp; die drink water is muddy; makes one feel bad." 
 
204 
 
 "You are right, Doctor, just so; I don't feel altogether right 
 in my stomach," said the M. C, and so, as a matter of course, 
 the Doctor intimated, "A little drinks von gut whiskey ish die 
 best ding I know." 
 
 So the Honorable M. C. comes to time with delightful de- 
 ception, "I have a drop here," handing it to the medicine man, 
 who shakes the bottle, and tasting it, remarks, "Yust see die 
 bearls — dat ish gut for die grips in die bowels," and as a matter 
 of course the opinion of the medicine man is of much value in 
 such cases, so Mr. M. C. takes a drink. 
 
 Right here his grace showed the white of his eye in pious 
 hypocrisy, compressed his lips, placed his hand with skillful 
 jugglery on his stomach, feigning indiposition, with the remark, 
 "Does it really give you relief? I am not seriously ill, but 
 irregular sleep, and as the Doctoi remarked, muddy river water 
 soon has its effect; I have a drop with me, but it seems to be 
 over charged with opium and camphor. ' ' 
 
 As the M. C. handed him the bottle, to make amends for his 
 selfishness, said, "I beg your pardon, man since the fall of Adam 
 always thinks of himself first; just taste a drop;" and his right- 
 eousness takes a pretty good sip, under the pretext of testing its 
 quality and, after smacking his lips, rubbing his stomach, gives 
 it his approval. 
 
 "This seems to be the pure article; I believe a drop would 
 do me good," and takes a pretty good pull, and while in the act 
 of supplying the inner man, has a nice talk of a little hypocritical 
 hypocrisy with the Honorable M, C; the Doctor was blinking to 
 the Judge and, in a low whisper, said, "See die humbugs; how 
 dem religious peoples drinks; da keeps em whiskey mid a little 
 opium and camphor in it of which one grain will neutralize die 
 sins of a big barrel." 
 
 Thus, after the Reverend had allowed himself to be taken 
 in by this innocent pious fraud, the Doctor and the Judge took a 
 
205 
 
 drop as a preventative of the grips. All goes well; his Honor 
 the Judge, the Honorable M. C, give their teeth a new supply of 
 old Kentucky to grind on; the Doctor lights a new segar, and his 
 holiness brings out his snuff box, tapping it with his fingers, 
 offering each a pinch, stuffing his own nose, and all take a 
 sneeze. 
 
 "It ish die abuse of a ding, which makes it pad, und not die 
 ding," remarked the Doctor. 
 
 "Christ himself made vine out of vater. which art is one big 
 business at die bresent days, mid die vine dealers; und der bish 
 one ding mid vine, which some mens likes; ven da gets vull mid 
 vine, da stay drunk longer dan mid whiskey." 
 
 Our Reverend fully believes in one sentence of Pope's uni- 
 versal prayer, "What blessings thy free bounty gives, let me not 
 cast away," but he entirely ignores another sentence, "Or think 
 thee Lord alone of man, when thousand worlds are round." In 
 his opinion every thing is made for man, the sun, stars, and even 
 Sirius was put on heaven's dome strictly for his benefit; for him 
 the earth; a man, a mere speck in creation, and a mere atom. 
 
 "Gentlemen," he said, "all good things are made for man, 
 and we please the Lord when we enjoy his bounty; and neglect 
 of my person, as the Lord's servant, would be a neglect of my 
 holy duty, and an injury to the glorification of our Lord the 
 redeemer." 
 
 The M. C, to bring matters to a point, made it known, 
 "We have engaged a carriage to take a ride up town for a little 
 wholesome recreation; as all pleasure which leads to no harm is 
 innocent; there is room for four, and since we are four of the 
 main pillars of civilization, we would be happy to have your 
 company." 
 
 The Doctor, to top matters off, remarked, "A little ride ish 
 gut for den health." 
 
 Here, as a boatman would say, he smelt a rat. First biting 
 
206 
 
 his lower Hp for a moment and assuming a sanctimonious expres- 
 sion, shrugging his shoulders a few times, he shows a willingness 
 to be deceived, but must act a little backward. 
 
 And as he puts it, "I will not spoil your fun and will be 
 happy to contribute to your enjoyment in a little innocent 
 pastime." 
 
 His Honor then put the question, "It is understood that we 
 all go." 
 
 His innocent hypocrisy, "My clothing is too thin for the 
 night air, you must excuse me for a few minutes; I must ex- 
 change for something more suitable," and with a polite bow he 
 starts off. 
 
 After he was out of sight his Honor gave the honorable M. 
 C. a clap on his shoulder, "I am ready to lift my hat to you how 
 your predictions come true; I give it up." 
 
 The next question was to be fixed up in disguise, as near 
 as possible, to represent boat men, the common dodge in general 
 use. 
 
 In such cases the Porter comes handy; he for a few crumbs 
 will furnish any change of clothing and give any information 
 desired. 
 
 The Porter, for a few tips, furnished each with a coat and 
 hat, and otherwise gave full directions how to handle the 
 "bosses." 
 
 "All you hab to do, gemmen, is to let die bosses liab der own 
 way when you get up town. Dat dar brown lead boss knows 
 sackly whar to stop; he's often been dar befoah." 
 
 Their disguises being fixed up, everything ready to start, the 
 Judge asked the question, "Will he not smell a rat to see our 
 disguises?" 
 
 "Nonsense, nonsense," said the M. C; "the Shepherd will 
 pretend not to see it, for be himself will be fixed up in a cloak 
 of concealment." Sure enough, no sooner said than up stepped 
 
207 
 
 his innocence in an engineer's coat, somewhat threadbare and 
 greasy, but nevertheless to be an engineer is an honorable 
 calling. 
 
 All being ready the porter conducts them to their carriage, 
 and after receiving a few more tips (a few foah pence), said, 
 " Gemmen, let die lead hoss hab his own way; he will be suah to 
 stop at die right place; he has often been dar. I wish you gem- 
 men hab lots of fun." 
 
 So the M. C. takes the reins in his hands with a "get up." 
 OfP, oflF they go to see the pictures, as the saying was in those 
 days. 
 
 Thus being up town away from home, their necks out of the 
 social halter, they have their own time with a little harmless pas- 
 time, and as a matter of wise policy make their appearance on 
 the boat before daylight. 
 
 It is almost needless to say that they had no appetite for 
 their breakfast excepting his righteousness, who had been 
 blessed with a strong stomach, which was useful in his right- 
 eous cause. 
 
 The rest of the companj' set around with drooping heads, 
 eyeing each other with a silent inward laugh, as much as to say, 
 "Did your mamma know you were out?" 
 
 The Doctor seems to have gotten the worst of it. His eye- 
 glasses are gone and one of his eyes has rather a darker shade. 
 He has learned his first lesson in America and the next time he 
 will know better. 
 
 The Reverend, straight as a bean-pole, was walking among 
 the passengers distributing religious tracts to keep up his right- 
 eous calling. One of the tracts says, "Weigh yourself, repent 
 and get saved." So far as his own weight was concerned he 
 fully came to time, tipping the scales at upwards of two hundred 
 and eighty pounds. 
 
208 
 
 Now to explain the answer to the question, "Who is he?" 
 
 As it has been mentioned before he had the appearance of a 
 most remarkable character known by the name of Hansal, who 
 had a slit in his ear. Upon an examination a scar was found 
 where the ear-mark used to be, indicating that a skillful opera- 
 tion to hide the mark had been performed. 
 
 It will be observed that steamboats have turned out quite a 
 number of physicians; and those who were the most ignorant and 
 stupid and believed the most firmly in the curing virtue of medi- 
 cine made the most money, while those of good minds and good 
 learning in the profession made the least. 
 
 Also quite a number have worked their waj' up to the pulpit, 
 some of whom seem to be proud to have been a roustabout on 
 steamboats. 
 
 Some people may find fault for introducing such a character 
 as a Reverend; but such things are nothing new, and there are 
 numerous cases where men would preach in the daytime and 
 steal at night. 
 
 Although our character is a perfect lump of hypocrisy he is 
 at least generous and honest, a hard worker for the church, and 
 to save the souls of others he runs the risk of his own. 
 
 He is a character like millions of others. His conscience 
 does not trouble him; he slips through the world without manual 
 labor, and it is his philosophy that all his acts which do his 
 neighbors no harm are harmless. 
 
 While steamboats have contributed their due share of quacks 
 these gentlemen have been very careful not to risk the legal pro- 
 fession; and although few lawyers get rich unless by inheritance, 
 yet there can be no such thing as a successful quack in the pro- 
 fession, because a lawyer m^ust put his light above the bushel in 
 open court. 
 
 The only quackery is done before a justice of the peace and 
 is called "shisterins:." 
 
209 
 
 A Short Sketch of the Writer's Hard Rubs in 
 Early Life. 
 
 Man's character, belief, opinions or ideas are formed by ex- 
 perience and impressions in the elements in which he moves. 
 
 In other words man is a kind of an article of manufacture 
 like a Swiss clock, performing certain functions, so whenever the 
 proper time conies will cry out "Cuckoo, cuckoo," and it is only 
 a question of how the mechanism is fixed and nailed up which 
 give character to the man. All men are nailed up in some shape, 
 and although some are fully aware of it, yet it is beyond their 
 power to exchange the old for a new machine, for it will run its 
 course until it is worn out. 
 
 And the only difference between men is while by far the 
 smallest number see the tight uncontrollable grip they are in, 
 the vast majority of men fail to see how they are fixed and 
 nailed up. 
 
 Man is riveted, bolted and clinched by his experience and 
 impressions, and those of his early years he seldom forgets. 
 
 The writer when old enough to handle a hoe was hired out 
 on farms to hoe corn at fifty cents per week, and soon made the 
 discovery that he got next to nothing for his labor. One farmer 
 after corn season was over had the generosity to give the writer 
 a second-handed chip hat, and working for another farmer after 
 the season was over was paid ten cents in cash. 
 
 Although these transactions are mere straws yet they prove 
 that man pays his debts not because he is honest, but as a matter 
 of policy to keep up his credit or because he must by law. The 
 writer's mother, a widow, unfamiliar with the English language 
 in a strange country, was an easy customer to deal with to get 
 cheap labor, with a little jinglery, never made a promise that the 
 boy's labor was not worth much. 
 
 Thus I got a bug in my ear not to hire out unless under a 
 
210 
 
 special contract in the presence of witnesses, and a lesson to 
 take everything about a man's fair dealing and honesty with a 
 grain of salt. 
 
 Another example as an early lesson. As a mere boy was in 
 a sledding party where myself and a few others met a larger 
 crowd of boys, some older and stronger, one of whom borrowed 
 my sled under a false pretense to merely take a ride; and after 
 he had it in his possession held on to it with main force, because 
 he was stronger than I and had the largest crowd of boys to 
 stand by him. 
 
 This may be looked upon as a trifling bojdsh matter, but it 
 shows how soon the swindler and the open daylight robber will 
 crop out in young boys. 
 
 Here was my first impression, that man is a natural born 
 fraud and a robber. As a first stepping stone to study the nature 
 of man, and having gone through the flint mill as a mere boy, I 
 could not believe that any one meant it honest with me, although 
 a farmer offered to bind himself in the presence of witnesses 
 that if I would stay with him one year he would give me a two- 
 year old colt, and if two years a three-year old colt with saddle 
 and bridle. 
 
 But where there is no confidence there is no business; my 
 brain had already been set in motion to think. The question 
 with me was as to the value of the colt, so I resolved to try my 
 hand as a river boy, where it was said one got the solid cash, 
 and a clever boy could make tips by blackening gentlemen's 
 boots. 
 
 This was in the fall of 1S44. After much coaxing my 
 mother gave her consent to let me go, and gave me an order to 
 collect one dollar for ten bushels of potatoes which she had sold. 
 In company with a young man who had been on boats as a deck 
 hand, I started for the Ohio river, and after watching two days 
 and nights at the town of Clarington, Ohio, at last a boat came 
 
211 
 
 in sight at 12 o'clock at night. As a matter of course we both 
 took deck passage, with the privilege to either stand up, sit down, 
 or take the soft side of a board for a nap. 
 
 And right here I will say that the boatmen who have the 
 name of being a little rough are often more kind than the people 
 on land. The first kind act was shown me by the pilot, well 
 known in olden times as Thomas Hamilton, who gave me his 
 bunk to lake a sleep; and the second was by the clerk by the 
 name of Wilkins, well known in Pittsburgh, who in the morning 
 after a kind of a survey of me up one side and down the other, 
 took in my situation and let me travel free of charge. 
 
 My partner, who had paid his passage and was making him- 
 self useful in giving the men a helping hand when the boat was 
 on ground, was bj' an accident knocked senseless. He was 
 handed back his money, so he and myself came to Pittsburgh 
 each with our original dollar in our pocket, quite enough in 
 those da5'S for me to be purse proud; and my partner had the 
 good luck to save his dollar by being struck with an iron bolt. 
 
 At Pittsburgh I had the good luck to get a situation on what 
 was called a Southern trade cotton boat at six dollars per month, 
 to work in the kitchen at the foot of the ladder, a position in rank 
 commonly called "slush." 
 
 After I was installed in my office the head engineer, John 
 McClure, of Brownsville, Pa., who it seems got an eye on my 
 wearing apparel, without much blarney reached in his pockets 
 and handed me enough money to buy me warmer clothing, an 
 action which almost made my head swim to understand the 
 matter. 
 
 Thus I pondered things over in my mind. Here was quite 
 an improvement. Six dollars per month solid cash; much better 
 than to hoe corn at fifty cents per week with pay in trust, or to 
 run the risk of getting a colt with a saddle and bridle for two 
 
212 
 
 years work ; and further, befriended by the pilot who gave me 
 his bunk, and the clerk who charged me no passage, and the 
 kind act of the engineer, almost overbalanced my early boyish 
 impression that man was a natural born religious fraud and a 
 robber. 
 
 But I am sorry to say that my new impressions of a higher 
 opinion of man was soon flung to the dogs, and my early im- 
 pressions came back to stay as though it had been burnt in 
 with a branding iron. The amount of pilfering, stealing, cheat- 
 ing on boats I have already fully explained, and the inhumanity 
 of man exactly on the same principle as the wild beasts in a state 
 of nature where the weaker goes to the wall. 
 
 I came to the conclusion that the human heart of kindness 
 was merely a mechanical double, valve pump, to force the blood 
 through the arteries; and that man otherwise was a kind of a port- 
 able machine with thirty feet of coil, on the principle of a distill 
 worm in conformity to all animal creation, and on the principle of 
 self-preservation man had adopted certain rules and regulations 
 to hold one another in check. 
 
 In giving my personal experiences I shall endeavor to cut 
 matters short — only a few incidents — because the histories of 
 obscure men are not interesting. I will say that in those times 
 the German employees, not considered exactly white, as a rule 
 for a short name were called "Dutch." The question at one time 
 was asked. Who is this boy ? The answer was, his skin is white, 
 but he talks broken English; so I went by the name of "Dutch." 
 It was "Dutch do this and Dutch do that." 
 
 But I took the matter in philosophically. To get six dollars 
 per month and lots of good things to eat was a gain of one step- 
 ping stone. I could afford to squeeze one eye shut, so that in 
 course of time I became so accustomed to be called "Dutch" and 
 to be handled a little rough that a kind word or a little respect 
 was only a source of disappoitment to me. 
 
213 
 
 I was soon forcibly impressed by the business manner In 
 which things were done on boats. The hours of labor, in my 
 case, were about eighteen per day, sometimes in the damp and 
 wet, which had the effect to give me aching limbs, but that was 
 neither here nor there ; it was root hog or die and meant survivor 
 of the fittest. 
 
 All commands on boats were without blarney, short and to 
 the point. The words "please" or "be so kind to do this or 
 that," were left out; and to say the least, there was a very prac- 
 tical way to hustle the boys out of bed in the morning. Well do 
 I remember one morning as the watchman opened the door of 
 the room, his first words, "Great Julies Caesar, what a miserable 
 smell; rank enough to give the whole boat the cholera. Up, up, 
 everybody up, half-past three o'clock; rouse out, rouse out, 
 boys," and he left talking to himself, No wonder such a 
 smell, with so many Dutch, Irish and niggers crammed in such 
 a small room. 
 
 It is sufficient to say that as a rule the Dutch, Irish and 
 niggers got up, and in case they failed to come to time, there 
 was a way to put life in a boy with a dash of cold water in his 
 face. 
 
 It is a fact that the perspiration from six to eight and even 
 nine boys in a small room would poison the air; but to make the 
 matter still worse, the boys would tumble into their bunks, 
 merely kicking off their shoes and leaving their clothing on, in 
 many cases none of the cleanest, creating a fume strong enough 
 to benumb the system like inhaling gas, making one feel stupid 
 and benumbed in the morning. This was rather rough on the 
 Dutch, Irish and niggers, but what were they going to do about 
 it ? They were much cheaper than lumber and space for more 
 rooms, so it was simply a question whether or not one had the 
 metal to stand the rub, and if not one could get a grave at the 
 Marine Hospital, provided for by law. 
 
214 
 
 This inhumanity to provide sleeping compartments for the 
 boys was not the same on all boats. Some had nine bunks in a 
 room measuring six feet in the square; some only had six and 
 some few only four. This was my first rub as a river boy — 
 eighteen hours labor in the damp and wet, and at night inhaling 
 the foul air of an over-crowded room. 
 
 The great drawback to steamboating was the uncertainty of 
 steady employment. Boats would sink, blow up by explosion, 
 or tie up for want of business, throwing us out of employment, 
 running down one's cash. 
 
 It happened a few years after I had made my debut on boats 
 I found myself in the city of Pittsburgh, about the first of De- 
 cember, with only three and one-half dollars in my pocket to see 
 me clear for three months, for navigation would not open up 
 until the first of March. 
 
 To talk about going to a boarding-house was out of the 
 question, so I had to make the best out of a bad bargain and 
 limit my bill of fare to fit my purse; and by careful financiering 
 I managed to pull through with one dollar left in the spring; but 
 my case was not so desperate after all, because provisions in 
 those times were fully three times cheaper than now, which gave 
 my capital three times the purchasing power. 
 
 Goldsmith says, "Man needs but little here below nor needs 
 that little long," and at this very day one could live dirt cheap 
 by prudent management; for it is a known fact that corn, pota- 
 toes and apples contain all the proper chemical constituents to 
 support a healthy body, for Dr. Franklin, with his bowl of mush 
 and the strength and the old age of the olden times farmers, is 
 conclusive proof of the fact. Now I want it understood that I 
 do not claim to be a hero on the strength of my living cheap, be- 
 cause thousands of others have done likewise, even Franklin 
 himself; and while I was a boy with some capital, some other 
 
215 
 
 river boys did not have one red cent, for they had spent their 
 money foolishly, and had to abide the consequence of their fool- 
 ish outlays — a matter of every day occurrence with a large per 
 cent, of men. 
 
 That one dollar in those times would buy as much as three 
 dollars at present in provisions (not manufactures), proves con- 
 clusively that the wages of labor is a relative question; how 
 much a day's labor will buy and not how many silver dollars or 
 greenbacks paid into one's hand, for now-a-days a laborer gets 
 three times as much and pays three times as much for provisions, 
 coming out about even at the end of the game. 
 
 As it is impossible to make a something out of a nothing 
 unless it be by swindling, we should manage what we have with 
 prudent care, I made a virtue from necessity, fixed up a second- 
 handed soap box for a trunk, with two leather straps on the lid 
 for hinges in which to pack away my clothing, which was rather 
 limited in value. I had a change of shirts, however, and to guard 
 against lively company, when a change was necessary, I lied one 
 on a string to let the current of the river do the cleaning for 
 about twenty-four hours. No starch or smoothing iron as a 
 matter of simplicity. 
 
 Otherwise how often I used water to improve my complex- 
 ion does not occur to me; but I remember one icy morning I laid 
 on my stomach on the river bank to reach the water for a drink, 
 and by an accident I slipped forward head first into the water up 
 to the shoulders, so I not only got a real good bath but a shampoo 
 in the bargain. I had the use of a free bunk on one of the boats 
 at the wharf, which was quite an improvement over a board pile 
 on land; and being somewhat of a capitalist, I felt my importance. 
 All my purchases were made with solid cash, while the other boys 
 who had fooled away their money had to make the best of it, as 
 wharf rats, tramps. 
 
 In the spring after the navigation had opened I got wind of 
 
216 
 
 a birth for me on a boat at Wheeling, W. Va., so I in short 
 metre gathered up my soap box or trunk and took passage on 
 the Palestine, about ready to start; and having one dollar left, 
 the question was how to save the dollar and slip to Wheeling free 
 if possible. 
 
 Having been on this boat at one time, when I got the hard- 
 est rub in all my life (presently to be explained), my conscience 
 did not hurt me in slipping my passage. 
 
 And here I will mention that human nature cropped out in 
 me to dodge payment as an excuse for my mean treatment at one 
 time on the boat; and I will further say that, according to my 
 own personal experience, an excuse of some kind comes very 
 handy for certain people not to pay their debts. An emploj'ee 
 upon being discharged will in some cases get even bj^ pilfering, 
 and an ejected tenant will in some cases do likewise to get even 
 with a landlord. 
 
 In taking passage on this boat I through an oversight had 
 forgotten to provide for my supper. In walking around I got my 
 eye on a piece of bread which some deck hand had dropped, and 
 in trying to pick it up quickly my foot caught on a plow share, 
 giving me a fall with my head against the iron plow shares, so 
 that I saw a thousand stars, and as might be expected such a 
 fall against my head answered all practicable purposes for my 
 supper. 
 
 Having received my supper with an aching head. I had my 
 mind made up to give the clerk the slip and save my dollar for a 
 rainy day; so I sat near the deck stove, with an eye on my soap 
 box, because I did not put the highest confidence in man's 
 honesty. It was only worth a few cents to some rag picker, but 
 that was neither here nor there. The box and its contents was 
 my own personal propert)' and it was good to keep an eye 
 on it. 
 
 In those times none but the rich traveled in the cabin and 
 
217 
 
 the poor and the middle classes on deck; and so it happened that 
 quite a number of respectable looking families were deck passen- 
 gers, and while I was sitting near the stove the women got their 
 eyes on me as though I was a kind of a curiosity to look at. 
 They evidently took me for a runaway and tried to persuade me 
 to go home. 
 
 As a matter of course I told the women that I had none, 
 and upon being questioned further about my father and mother, 
 I told them that my parents were both dead ; and when they asked 
 me further why I did not stay with my relations, I told them I 
 could paddle my own canoe and be self-sustaining; so the women 
 finally asked me no more questions. 
 
 After sitting up awake all night the boat landed at Wheeling 
 about 3 o'clock in the morning, and as a matter of policy I con- 
 cluded to slip ofF the boat before daylight; so I picked up my 
 soap box and slipped to shore. The next question was how to 
 keep warm on a cold frosty morning. To go to a hotel might 
 make an inroad on my dollar, so I set my box down in front of 
 the boat store and walked briskly up and down the streets to 
 keep warm, every now and then taking a peep at my box to see 
 if Wheeling was honest. 
 
 As daylight came I saw my boat; picked up my personal 
 property, walked on board, and the steward who was a distant 
 relative of mine, who began his river career in 1833 and is still 
 living as a rirer man, got his eye on me and he said, "You rat, 
 where have you been all this time?' ' and after a few words of ex- 
 planation, "Go and wash yourself." "All right." I took a 
 wash and after I thought I was washed, he eyed me. "You call 
 that washing; go and wash yourseif again and be lively about 
 it." So I washed again, and the second time I got ofF all the 
 real estate I had brought from Pittsburgh, washed in the spring 
 as navigation opened. 
 
218 
 A Good Breakfast. 
 
 Thus after having improved my complexion and being very 
 hungry, I embraced the first chance to attend to the inner man 
 without waiting for the regular meal time; and as I was standing 
 in the kitchen the second cook brought in a lot of rusty tin pans 
 which had some leavings left by the negro firemen and an old 
 dinted up coffee pot with some coffee, and so I fell to in a 
 business like manner for the best breakfast I had in all my 
 life. 
 
 Here we have a point worth noticing, that the general opin- 
 ion of the masses about the rich enjoying their luxuries is a 
 great mistake. As the German proverb, "When the mouse has 
 enough, meal tastes bitter;" and I myself in after years, boating 
 on high living boats, was housed and fenced in with the very 
 finest of luxuries without a relish to eat them, for as the 
 French proverb, "All enjoyments are preceded by some sort of 
 exertion." 
 
 The intelligent rich live the most simple; and the laboring 
 classes, in many cases where they make good wages, will dig 
 their graves with their teeth with rich living. 
 
 The Hardest Rub in My Life. 
 
 A few years after I had made my debut on boats, at the port 
 of Cincinnati my purse was rather flat, making it a matter of 
 good policy to squeeze one eye shut as to under whom I could 
 get a berth on a boat. I will here remark that in those times 
 many of the boats had negro stewards and in some cases white 
 cabin boys or black and white mixed. 
 
 As man's fickle fortune would have it I got a berth under a 
 negro steward, and after I had come on boartd I soon made the 
 discovery that I was the only white boy on the whole boat; how- 
 ever, a boy with a German accent was not considered of the white 
 blue blood in those times. 
 
219 
 
 It is a well known fact that while a negro ought to have a 
 kind feeling toward his own oppressed race, he was always found 
 to be the greatest t}-rant when the Southern planters made him 
 an overseer. This is explained by evolution; the wild beast in 
 the negro is thousands of years behind the age of whites in con- 
 trolling the beast in man. 
 
 Myself being what was called Dutch, and further one of 
 "die poah white drash," the negroes felt themselves licensed to 
 impose the meanest, dirtiest work upon me; and while the negro 
 bucks sat around a warm stove, I had to saw wood for the stoves 
 on the lower deck in a keen cold piercing wind till a late hour at 
 night; and not being made of iron and being perhaps a little in- 
 discreet in eating, I took sick. The room in which I had a bunk 
 had nine bunks for nine negroes, but I being one of the number, 
 there were eight negroes and one "poah white drash" in this 
 sleeping compartment. 
 
 After I took sick the negroes, who are very superstitious, 
 fearing perhaps that I had some contagious disease to inoculate 
 the bedding, put me on the floor underneath one of the bunks, 
 and were indifferent whether they spit their tobacco juice on 
 me or on the floor; and to get "die poah white drash" out of the 
 road ordered me out of the room to find a place elsewhere to lie 
 down. 
 
 To make the best of it I laid down in what in olden times 
 was called the forecastle — the chimneys housed in — a kind of 
 compartment for baggage and the like. 
 
 Thus I laid exactly like a hound pup. Not a living soul 
 came to me excepting the captain, who swore at me one night 
 with a considerable of a hunch with his foot for being in his 
 road. As every dog has his day, I had the inner satisfaction 
 some time afterwards to see him under the weather, used up as a 
 sick man. 
 
220 
 
 By and by one of the passengers, who happened to notice 
 me, made my case known to the clerk; but I have no knowl- 
 edge as to who this person may have been. So, on account of 
 public opinion and to be called humane, the clerk put me in an 
 upper bunk with a passenger, who protested against it for the 
 unpleasantness of the chance to have a boy die in his room. 
 
 The next thing the clerk did was to put me in a room known 
 in olden times as the wheel-house room, and ordered one of the 
 negroes to bring a pitcher of tea. 
 
 To cap the climax there was only a partition between the 
 wheel and the room, and a limb had made a large rend in the 
 partition. The rent was covered with a blanket, which, how- 
 ever, did not prevent the water from splashing through by the 
 motion of the wheel; and, strange to say, the boat having landed 
 at Cincinnati in the morning, I had just enough strength to get 
 up and say good-bye to the steamboat Palestine. 
 
 Thus I had the full benefit of a water cure without a doc- 
 tor's bill, and some people who believe in this cure would give 
 me as an example, that being splashed with water all night 
 cured me, and I will say that I took this incident of my life as a 
 good proof of the virtue in water cure; but my faith has been 
 shaken by noting that some people who never take a bath 
 unless they get caught in a rain, and a cornfield darkey who 
 shuns water like a monkey, get to be very old; and, further, the 
 very founder of this cure, Priesznitz, is said to have died in a 
 bath. 
 
 After a careful study of all systems of cures for scientific in- 
 formation I believe in none. As Shakespeare says, ' 'Art cannot 
 X)vercome nature;" and Franklin, who hits the nail on the head, 
 "God does the healing and the doctor gets the fee." 
 
 Having given my own personal experience on steamboats, 
 I will say that hundreds of others went through the same flint 
 
221 
 
 mill, and some even fared worse, dying on the lower deck with- 
 out the sympathy of a loving soul, to be buried in a rough 
 box, and I have known boys when sick to stagger overboard to 
 a watery grave. 
 
 And will further say in describing my own personal ups and 
 downs, to use the pronoun, I was anything but Bgreeable to me. 
 To bring those daj'S back to my memory was uphill business, 
 and I have used the pronoun I in a few of the foregoing pages 
 because when a boy I had resolved to learn to spell, read and 
 write, so as to be able some day to put the whole business down 
 in black and white, about those good olden days, "the people are 
 not what they used to be." 
 
 And, further, if I were thirty years less ancient, with the 
 office bumblebee buzzing around my ears, there might be a motive 
 as a labor candidate, for campaign thunder, to tell the people how 
 I had been there, but it is now too late. 
 
 In a few more remarks on this particular subject, will men- 
 tion that in my personal experience for upwards of fifty years, 
 my opinions, formed in early years, that man has a natural in- 
 clination to rob, steal and cheat, has undergone no change; but 
 has from year to year been confirmed, by larger fields of observa- 
 tion, in various branches of business. 
 
 As an attorney-at-law in after 3'ears I came in a new rich 
 pasture for a higher grade of schooling among the so-called 
 better classes, and noticed the swindle in railroad stock, the de- 
 falcation of banks, the priming of oil wells, the salting of gold 
 mines, the stuffing of the ballot-box in politics, and the pious 
 fraud under the cover of religion, and thousands of other robbing 
 and swindling operations too numerous to mention. 
 
 Some people will say that my impression of man's honesty 
 and fair dealing are unreasonable, putting man's nature on the 
 
222 
 
 extremes, that there are some fair dealing and honest people in 
 the world. 
 
 I will say, my impression is backed up by Spencer, and 
 especially by Shakespeare, 
 
 "Ha, ha! What a fool honesty is; and trust his sworn 
 brother." 
 
 "Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by 
 chance." 
 
 A boy raised up within his mother's apron strings in the 
 potato patch, inside of the fence, in company with honest labor 
 by habit, and a girl raised up as a parlor bird, under the soothing 
 flattery of social hypocrisy, the chances are will look upon the 
 sunny side of human nature. 
 
 But lead them outside of the fence; slam the gate of mercy 
 in their face to make the best of it, in a cold world, and their 
 opinion of man will soon undergo a material chatige; to find no 
 bank will loan them five cents on their honesty, and that the 
 weaker are forced to the wall without mercy. 
 
inde:x. 
 
 Page. 
 
 Preface — Pointing Out the General Contents 2 
 
 Life on the Western Rivers — An Explanation of the Western People 5 
 
 No Money — No Social Distinction 5 
 
 Henry Clay Steering a Flatboat 7 
 
 Habits, Language and Superstitious of River Men 8 
 
 Boating on the Western Rivers — Keelboats and Flatboats 13 
 
 A Brief Sketch of Olden Time Steamboats 15 
 
 How Lincoln Earned a Dollar on a Flatboat 16 
 
 Manufacturing District of Pittsburgh 18 
 
 Different Kinds of Boats 20 
 
 Lincoln's Patent to Get Over the Riffles 21 
 
 Speed of Boats 22 
 
 Improvement of Boats 22 
 
 Statistics of Boats Built and Tonnage of the Ohio River 23 
 
 Robbing, Stealing, Pilfering and Sponging on Boats 24 
 
 New Orleaiis in Wintei 26 
 
 Wharf Rats 28 
 
 How the Crew Robbed the Boat 30 
 
 Genteel Sponging 31 
 
 The Other Side of the Question 33 
 
 Many Different Trades and Callings on the Western Rivers 35 
 
 A Boat on the Lower Mississippi Taking on Freight 39 
 
 A Variety of Characters 42 
 
 Religious Service and Gambling 43 
 
 Odd Customs at Meals 46 
 
 Cabin Boys and Religion 47 
 
 Rich and the Poor — The Fashions 49 
 
 People Not What They Used to Be 52 
 
 Hard Rubs of Sore Labor 52 
 
 Sights on the Lower Deck 55 
 
 Poor Accommodations for the Poor 58 
 
 A Hard Life Asa Cook 59 
 
 About Clean Cooking 63 
 
 Rich Fare on Boats 65 
 
 Girls Traveling on Deck Alone Are Well Fed 67 
 
 Hard Labor of the Deck Crew and Roustabouts 70 
 
 Bed and Board of the Deck Crew 72 
 
 Mean Treatment at Times 74 
 
 Slaves Were Treated Best 76 
 
 The Classes and the Masses 77 
 
 Happy Hours and River Songs 81 
 
 The Old-Fashioned Boatman's Song 82 
 
 Songs of the Darkies 83 
 
Social Conditions in Olden Times 86 
 
 Human Life Is Cheap 88 
 
 Leisure Hours of Deckhands 90 
 
 A Remarkable Character Known As Hansal — A Conspiracy 91 
 
 Speeches of White Men and Negroes 92 
 
 The Great Social Problem From a Sociological Standpoint 97 
 
 Milk of Kindness a Failiare 99 
 
 Prejudice Against Foreign Labor loi 
 
 Foreign Immigration 104 
 
 A Struggle of Competition 107 
 
 An Old-Fashioned Fight 108 
 
 Trusts Or Monopolies 109 
 
 The Longest Pole Knocks the Fruit no 
 
 Co-Operation on Boats a Failure 112 
 
 No Regular Unions in Olden Times 114 
 
 Pilots Strike 114 
 
 Laws to Govern Steamboats to Prevent Sinking, Explosions, Etc 116 
 
 Lincoln's Idea of a Steam Whistle 118 
 
 Cause of Explosions .'.. 119 
 
 Acetylene An Explosive Gas 121 
 
 Lifeboats and Life Preservers 122 
 
 Scenes on the Southei-n Rivers Among the Negroes 126 
 
 Mean Treatment of Negroes 128 
 
 Scenes and Sights on the Big Hatchee River 130 
 
 A Southern Tariff Man 132 
 
 Tariff An Accidental Question 135 
 
 A Storm on the Mississippi, With Exciting Scenes 136 
 
 Hansal, the Pious Fraud, An Interesting Actor , 136 
 
 Hansal Talks His Way Clear 146 
 
 Hansal's Idea of Man and Falstaff 150 
 
 A Dramatic Scene in the Kitchen With the Cook and the Chambermaid..i52 
 
 Making Love by Proxy 162 
 
 Religion on Steamboats 166 
 
 A Scene of a Religious Exhortation and the Final Result of the Effort... 171 
 
 Hansal's Maiden Sermon 174 
 
 A Religious Debate by the Deck Crew 177 
 
 After the Debate, Whiskey 179 
 
 A New Song, Dance and Whiskey 182 
 
 Hansal's New Way to Make Converts 187 
 
 Human Nature Away From Home 188 
 
 Whiskey and Tobacco 194 
 
 Live Pork on the Table 200 
 
 A Short Sketch of Writer's Hard Rubs in Early Life 209 
 
 A Good Breakfast 218 
 
 Hardest Rub in Life 218