A MEDLEY OF POEMS PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS BY Mrs. LYDIA a. DOYLE OF NEWTON, KANSAS CopyrigKtcd, 1911, by Mrs. Lydia A. Doyle SECO?rD EWTION A MEDLEY OF POEMS PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS BY Mrs. LYDIA A. DOYLE n OF NEWTON, KANSAS Copyrighted, 1911. by Mrs. Lydia j\. Doyle SECOND EDITION -^ L ^ ©CI.A295880 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS. The Handsomest Man in Town POr.MS. riTNS .\NT) C()Xl'NDR[rMS. a.^^^^A. I ^i ^ 1 Wt^ r^ ^ — ^•^ 7 - -^^ — 1 1 1 ■'_/ m , 7f^ tr ■Jto ta/ — > ^ It' ^^-^ 1 — 1 ^ — ^ \ 5 -J|^ v^ -f^r-^ > h ^ -4^ 1 3 ' ^ * \l ^' - F •l r. — N— ^riL^^ ^ ^ . ^ 1 — f^ — i -i9 — ^ r — *^ =tz= — 1 — P ^-T — r-7 1 • k • ^ »^ -I — ^— J-' ■ 1 — ^ 1 ^ ■*. 1^ •+■ » - ' ■ ' — ■• 1^ Tt ?■ " ' ^^ £ — ^— r r 1 r ", ^1 . - 1 ^ =r I'OKMS. IHTNS AND C'ONUNDJIUALS. POEMS, PUNS .AND CONUNDRUMS. THE HANDSOMEST FELLOW IN TOWN. Some like a man's hair in the middle to part, While others prefer it one side. To please one and all, and to conquer each heart, I've naught on my head but the hide. Chorus. 0! I am the handsomest fellow in town; At least so the ladies declare. I found long ago that I gained this renown Because of the cut of my hair. My eyes are quite small, but my mouth and my nose Make up for this diff'rence, you see; My hands and my feet are large, too, I suppose ; My legs, though, are slim as can be. I flirt with the ladies whenever I choose, And cut out their beaux when I will ; For I am so handsome they cannot refuse My slightest desire to fulfill. 1 put my hat on to one side of my head ; My lips hold a fine cigarette. I'm "king of the dudes," so the ladies have said; And oft' I'm found with them, you bet. IF YOU LOVE HER. If you stiU adore the lady you have wed, then tell her so. Be the same devoted lover as the time you played the bean. Twine your loving arms about her. Kiss the lips so pure and sweet. Tell her that the old love lingers. It will make her joy complete Be as careful in her presence in deportment as before Hymen joined your lives together; and respect her as of yore. Cupid should be ever welcome in you home, let come whal may; Then your lives will be as happy as upon your wedding day. Those pre-nuptial vows you whispered in her list'ning ear, you know. Are recorded up in heaven, where you surely hope to go When this mortal life is ended ; then be careful how you keep Those endearing words of promise. As you sow so must you reap. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 5 When she longs for fond caresses, and approaches with a smile, Though you feel care-worn, and weary, you will find it worth your while To return those loving tokens; it will ease the aching heart To remember how she loves you, if you thus will do your part. To remember how she loves you, if you thus do your part. Don't repel her with lier ardor, and command her to desist, Just because life's cares are heavy, and some longed-for boon you've missed. Shame will overcome her longing for your kindness bye and And she will become more distant in deportment when you're nigh. 'IMien you'll tliink her love has ended, and your own will colder grow. Discontent will follow quickly, and unkindness both will show. Tlius divorce courts are kept busy. , Then in time take my advice. Keep the fires of love still burning. You will find it awful nice. SPEAK NOT UNKINDLY. Speak' not unkindly to the ones around the parent hearth. Reniembcr that true kindness is l)y far of greater worth. In every way than words unkind to those most dear your heart. If all would hut remember this, unkindness would depart. No doubt you think you'll gain a point by giving others pain, But if you only knew the truth your loss is "more than gain. In some respects it may appear your point you've gained quite well; But if the hearts of all could speak, a diff'rent tale they'd tell. A tale of fear and disrespect from heli)less childhood, dear; Instead of love and trustfulness, which should from there appear, And from your dear companion's heart, a tale of sheer disgust Which covers up and hides away all former love and trust. And your example, soon will be adopted, you will find By other members of your home, who'll learn to be unkind Unto each other day by day, and strife and discord reign t-iupreme, where love should hold full sway without a single stain. -And looking back in after years, when those dear ones have gone 6 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS To never more return again, the truth will on you dawn, And you'll regret, when all too late, the sowing of the seed Of discord and contention where of love there was much need. SoAV not, then, seed of discord where true love should ever be. Around about on every hand the fruits of this we see. SoAv not the seeds unless you wish a harvest of the same. If words unkind escape your lips you, surely, are to blame. TO MY LADY LOVE. My dear, you are charming. I never before Have met a young lady my heart could adore "With such admiration, with such perfect love, As you have awakened, my sweet little dove. My heart palpitates wnth emotion when you With graces so manifold come to my view ; So fair in complexion, with bloom of the rose Reflected from cheeks where true modesty glows. With dark aul)urn tresses encircling your face, Which none but yourself know so well how to place With ruby-like lips, and with teeth all of pearl, You've gained my affection, my sweet little girl. A nicer young lady, so tidy and neat. It never has been my good fortune to meet ; So cheerful and happy from morning till night, Your eyes sparkle ever Avith perfect delight. So good to all living; so pure, and so true; Your friends are galore, but your enemies few. You scatter bright sunbeams wherever you go. And harvest each day many more than you sow. ''Tis heaven on earth to be with you, my dear; I'm never so happy as when you are near. will you this blessing bestow during life? Say, will you become my oAvn sweet little wife? THE SHIFTING SANDS. Some builders left a pile of sand upon the street one day. Some little children found it out, and soon began to play. I paused a moment in my ^valk to note them toss the sand In hillocks which a zephyr's breath would scatter o'er the land. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 7 TJieir joyous laughter rent the air, resounding far and near. Like suiiheanis on a AA^inter's day they filled my heart witli cheer. Me thought how happy life would be for older folk, if they, Like little children, would regard the acts of life all play. And Avhen aii" castles are brought low, they built with such delight. Bid care and worry all depart till fate would set things right.. And try again, and yet once more, Avith hopeful patience still. Success is not acliicvcd without a firm, determined will. We'd think a child was Itadly spoiled, who took things all to heart. Wlien crossed a little in its play ;. and yet, 'tis quite an art I^'or older hears to comprehend just how to do, as they Lxpect the little folks to do when troubled in their play. () for the power of the will emotion to control! Tlie Father waits most lovingly each sad hear tto console, But 'tis for us to cast the oil of peace upon the wave; The foaming billows then will cease, the life-boat then can save. \Vc each are here to ])lay a part on life's relentless stage; Onr i)ile of sand may come to naught, which now our thoughts engage. But patience will prepare the way for happiness and peace, Regardless of the cross we bear, till life on earth shall cease. MY DONKEY CART. My donkey cart — dear donkey cart, • AVith thee I'll never, never part AA^hile water runs, or grass grows green, Because of pleasures Ihave seen AVhile riding in thee by the side Of one I hoped would be my bride ; But she has now gone back on me, And left me all alone with thee. The -warmest corner of my heart I've save for thee, dear donkey cart. I know thou Avilt those secrets keep Told in thy presence ; though I weep AVhen thinking of the time that came When she refused to bear my name; But got "stuck" on another chap; 'Twas then we had our little "scrap." POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS But, the fun we've had in thee! I'm glad you cannot tell on me, Or else great news you might impart, Which might not suit, dear donkey cart. OUR COUNTRY. land of our love with a fond adoration ! We sing of the blessings thy bosom provides. The sun never shone on a happier nation, For peace and contentment and plenty abides. Thy borders inclose sucli a vast field for action; Thy children have plenty of room and to spare ; Th}^ promises seem such a brilliant attraction; The aliens flock over thy blessings to share- Each nation of earth we find here represented, We proudly extend them a welcoming hand. The advent of none has been ever resented Who wish to assist in improving our land. No country on earth is more rich in resources; The forest, the mine, and the soil Avith its grain The climate so varied, the large water courses. All aid every worker a living to gain. For mental advancement we've no limitation; The grandest inventions our people produce. Our motto is "OnAvard"; no time for stagnation. We all are attempting to be of some use. Each craft in the world we find here represented. The government is as Ave wish it to be. The people here rule, and if not Avell contented. The fault is Avith them, for the country is free, SPEAK NOT EVIL. Speak not evil, though sore tempted bv the Avrongs that others do To reveal their evil doings, that the Avorld may know it, too. It will do no good to tell it, and much evil may be done, Both to them and unto others if the story is begun. Speak not evil, for j'our anger will much sooner, then subside Than if you go spread the tidings of the wrong, so far and wide. POEMS. PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 9 For the more you ponder on it deeper will your anger grow. Do not let it thus o'ercome you if the peace of God you'd know. Speak not evil, 'tis old Satan that thus tempts you to do so ; And if you thus yield unto him, from the path of right you'll For the Word of God has said it. You must overcome this siu If you would be ever faithful to the love of God within. Speak not evil, though the tempter has o'ercome a weaker saint. To your fellowmen, don't tell it, but to God bring your com- plaint, Praying that He may deliver such a one from Satan's snare, You will siurely then forgive him when you offer up this prayer. Speak not evil; leave the matter in the hands of God to fix, For you'll be imbued with evil if with evil you thus mix. God will fight your battles for you if unto Him you belong; And your foe will bear His judgment if you o'ercome the wrong. Speak not evil, but remember when you're tempted thus, and tried, That the Lord beholds your sorrow through His angel by your side, And will speedily avenge j'ou of all wrong your foe may do ; Only be ye ever faitliful, and unto your trust be true. AWAKE, LITTLE CUPID, Awake, little Cupid; you're sleeping too long. We need your assistance to keep us from wrong; For since you deserted your post for a nap. Divorce courts have, sure, been enjoying a "snap." Awake, little fairie ; get down to your work. No longer must you from .your duties thus shirk. Make ready your time-honored quiver and bow; True lovers unite as you did long ago. Wake up and get busy, the world's gone to "smash." Old Hymen, unaided, has "cut quite a dash" Since you have been "snoozing," and many a pair Have thus had their hearts filled with sorrow and care. Their hands he has joined, but that's all he can do; Their hearts, little fairie, are left all with you. Unite them once more as you did long ago. These "new-fangled weddings" are failures, you know. 10 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS You've been a "backbone" to connubial bliss, And while you thus sleep your assistance we miss To hold things in shape in domestic affairs; And that is why hearts are so burdened with cares. ! for the old love that the world once enjoyed Before with divorces it was so aimo.yed ! AVhen little ones' parents together would stay, And rear them unitedly day after day. BE PLEASANT. Just exchange that dark frown for a bright pleasant smile ; You will find in the end it was well worth your while. Never mind how unpleasant your feelings may be; Do not fret o'er the wrongs that in others you see. Though a friend to his trust has been proven untrue. And in selfish unkindness been false unto you. And you feel justified in avenging the Avrong, Then reveal not this weakness. Be brave, and be strong; And whenever you meet him be pleasant and gay, As though nothing was done that was out of the way ; Thus ignoring the wrong, you will make him feel sad; And perhaps lead his footsteps away from the bad. It is seldom you'll find one so hardened with sin That this usage will fail the wroug-doer to win. It is well worth your while to bring this to a test. Then you'll know for yourself if this wa}^ is not best. Form the habit of being light-hearted and gay ; Lay aside every murmur that comes in your way ; And appoint yourself, now, a committee of one To undo all the mischief unkindness has done. I'M SATISFIED. I oft ' have thought earth 's woes were great ; And sometimes have complained of fate ; But now can say with humble pride, "God's will is just; I'm satisfied." Regardless of what He may send. My will with His I now can blend ; " Though wishes be sometimes denied, Since 'tis His will I'm satisfied. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS " 11 What is this life with all its store? 'Tis Passing by; 'twill soon be o'er; Then, though by sin I oft' am tried While on my way, I'm satisfied. I'm lifted now above earth's care; Supernal bliss is mine to share ; Though billows roll, and storms abide, I worry not. I'm satisfied. I'm now submissive to His will, And while His wishes I fulfill I'm sure with me he will abide. Therefore my soul is satisfied. He knows what is the best for me, And while from sin I thus am free, My every want will be supplied ; Then with His love I'm satisfied. THAT GALLINIPPER. You may talk of your "skeeters", your bed bugs and fleas, And of all such wee critters as much as you please ; But they, sure, are no patehin' to somethin' I saw AVhile in wild Oklahoma for blood drops to draw. Now, you see. I'd been told that the gall 'nippers were Only large sized muskeeters, and nothin' to fear; And, though sometimes they'd bite, they would sing one to sleep If sweet drousiness over one ever could creep. Well now friends you may think this a pretty big yarn, But 'tis true all the same, or else I will be darn. Yes, one day I went out with a hammer in hand, With no thought of a danger near by, understand. But e'er long I heard music so loud and so clear, And the sweetest of any I ever did hear; For a time, though, was puzzled to know whence it came. Still, it nearer and nearer approached, just the same. All at once, then, a cloud seemed to darken the sun. I glanced upward just once, then, if I didn't run! . It was one of them gall- 'nippers makin' for we. Just in time I found shelter behind a big tree. On he came with such power his bill went on through 12 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS That oak tree, aud I clinched it. What else could I do? But he fluttered and floundered so hard to get free, That I feared he'd succeed, and again tackle me. So I went for my rifle and fired at his eye. It required many shots, though, before he would die; But I saw at a glance that my fortune was made, For the money he brought me laid all in the shade. I first picked him, and filled twenty big feather heds. (These are facts, for a falsehood my soul ever dreads.) With his pelt, then, I bought forty sections of land. And the ivory found in his mouth, understand, Paid for labor, and fencing material, too, To inclose the whole thing, for a ranch was in view. With his beef, I stocked it with cattle galore, Though the ranch was so large, there was room for tio Tuore. Then liis bones, when well dried, paid for houses, and men To assist Avith the labor required there ; aud then. With his photographs taken while flutt'ring there 1 still make enough "dust" all expenses to bear. THE MOCKING BIRD. Where have you learned so many songs, You darling little mocking bird? And do you think each one belongs To you, which I have just now heard? You'd make l)elieve tliat in your tree A host of songsters of all kinds Had met to hold a jubilee ; While each, by turn, his tune he finds. Now I believe you borrowed them From other birdies singing near; While flitting there from twig to stem, That 3^ou might thus more plainlj' hear. 0! tell me birdie, is tliis true, And do you hope to make believe So many birds are close to you? You cannot thus my eyes deceive, For in your tree 'mong leaflets green, I plainly see you're quite alone; POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 13 No oilier birdies near are seen, And so to me yonr trick is known. But never mind what I may know, You seem so happy near your nest; Your joyful notes must outward flow, AVhile near the mate you love the best. SPOOKS AND BURGLARS. Bt mere chance 1 paid a, visit to a friend, not long ago, While her parents were both absent, though this fact 1 did not know Until after my arrived. Uut 't\v;is well ("or her I eam(\ Or she ^\•(|||](1 have been so frightened, she could not have told lier name. T^>ut, 1 must begin llie story right side up, so you can see Why she \\as so badly frightened, with a perfect right to be. P)olli her parents on departing told her they'd be back that night, .\iid we joiiK^I ;i ]ucnie pai'ly. on that afternoon, so bright. P>ut ;il nighlFnll, on reluriung, found tiuit we were quite alone; l^'or Ihe JKiuseniJiid luid been gi\en thctse few hours for her own And slie'd gone upon a \isit, ha\ing not, as yet, returned. But we. on inxcstigation, foimd our faces badly burned I>y the sun's rays falling on us while we scuight to have our fun. But we nuist uiulo the mischief Avrought upon us by the sun; So, with bultermilk al)lution, 'ere retiring for the night, l>oth of us prepMi-ed our ffices, then with linen pure and white, We. a nuisk pre[)ared. to co\'er up oiu- faces to prevent It from rubbing oft' so badly. After this, to bed, we went. We luul holes cut in the linen for the eyes and nose, you see; At the sight we thus presented both our hearts were full of glee. Soudly we had t)oth been sb'cping; just how long 1 can not say; But, on suddely awaking, thought we heard not far away, Sounds of foot steps in the l)uilding. Quickly both of us arose, Still with masks upon our faces, save upon the eyes and nose. Clad in long white night rol)es, oidy. each a lighted candle bore. Thinking 'twas her parents coming, we desired to gain the lore Gathered from the old folks' outing. But imagine our surprise. When we reached them to discover ])urglars there before our eyes. 14 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Two masked men were seeking plunder 'mong the valu'bles near by, We were motionless with horror. Of this truth we can't deny, .But which party was most frightened at the other, we or they, 'Tis not easy to determine. I, for one, won't try to say. Just a glance they cast upon us, as we stood before them there ; But the sigrt that Ave presented gave them both an awful scare. "Spooks!" they shouted, then they bolted through an open window near, After they had thus departed, .though tlie shock was quite severe, Soon we rallied, and stood laughing, as each other we beheld, Now. their bag, with all its booty, lav where hastily 'twas felled, A,s they scrambled for the window, from the "spooks" to get away. Thus 'twas found they'd taken nothing but a fright, for all their pay. "When her parents came home later, our adventure to be told. They decided that a robber surely must be very l^old. If he'd not be badly frightened at the looks of girls so dressed. But since thus we'd saved the trinkets, all liad turned out for the best. THE KEY TO CONNUBIAL BLISS. Here's a key I'll preset you to open the door Leading up to felicity, dreamed of before You had taken the vowf^ which there made you for life The companion of her whom you chose for a wife. Don't imagine one instant your courting should end On the day you were wed, if your lives you would blend ; As you hoped they would be when the question you poppc.l For caressing and petting should never be stopped. For the sly little fairy called Cupid should be Made as welcome to govern your actions, you see, As before Hymen joined you in wedlock to her You have promised to love and protect, I aver. ! then thrust not this cute little fairy aside. Be the same as before this dear girl was your bride ; Tell her daily you love her and prove it is so By a lover's devotion, the same as her beau. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 15 And remember that Hymen and Cupid are two, That the one can't perform what the other should do; For the one joins the hands ; but the other, the hearts, And in this manner wedded life usually starts. But alas ! for fond hopes, 'tis too often the case, That the marriage tie pushes true love from its place; And usurps all authority over the pair. Till but little true love is between them to share.' But tliese two little fairies should go hand in hand, And be firmly united as partners, to stand; All rebuffs, and reverses of fortune that may C'nmo along with the pleasures of life every day. Thus the key to success with a partner for life May be found l)y us nil, aud 'twill free us from strife, If prenatal de\otion we strive to maintain In the same way we once tried the lover one to gain. You could govern your temper when with her before You were married, because she would show j-ou the door It' y(Mi turned yourself loose. So you tried hard to please, Now the (lays since you wed should be pleasant like these. THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO. O: Falluu', gi-ant them pardon, they know not what they do. Thus pi-ayed the blessed Savior, as there he hung in view, Of those hard hearted soldiers who nailed Him to the cross. So. of His grace to pardon, he suffered there no loss. He set .thus, an example of how we, too, should pray When tem|)te(l. sore, with evil, that we go not astray; AVhcii grace oni- souls enlighten, we wish thf ' bad it, too. Who may have y lot, To rear )Hy childi-cni in the way That they shonld go, so they will not <'anse deep regret. s(»me fntm-e day. A MOTHER'S LOVE. The world may tnrn its l)aek to one. And make tlie most of evil done; It makes no odds what may befall, A mothei-'s l(»\-e li\-es thi'ongh it all. Thongh foi-tnnes fail, and friends be few, Witli mother it is jnst tiic same. And trnsted friends all prove untrne. A mother's love can out live fame. But if fair P\>rtune, Avith a smile, May lead you by the hand awhile; Kome may begrudge the luck you see, Yet mother's love the same will be. • Behind repulsive prison walls. Instead of in the senate halls, A mother's love, a mother's prayer. Can reach a loved one. even there. This passion is divinely ])orn. And when it does the earth adorn. It should, witii reverential pride, Be cherished more than all beside. THERE'S ROOM AT THE TOP. Though some others succeed well in making a name. That is no reason why ycni should stop; 34 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS For none yet ever mounted the ladder of fame. Up too high to leave room at the top. Although in your vocation you strive to excel, And then upward a rival may pop, And go bare of the laurels, when you did so Avell : Then, take courage; there's room at the top.. 0! yes, grow not despondent, but try, try again. Although failure came with the first hop ; Perseverance you'll find is an excellent plan. For there's always more room at the top. There has no one yet ever succeeded so well In what ever great sea he might flop; But what truth will stand ready at all times to tell, Other people "there's room at the top." There is room for improvement in all that we do, And this fact should remain a firm prop, To assist us to stand, till success we shall view. For there's plenty of room at the top. Although votaries to j'Our vocation may flock, Till it seems there's an over plus crop, Of the kind that is ycleped the old scrubby stock, Then, remember, there's room at the top. GRASS HOPPERS OF 1874. Here come the self in\ited guests to dine with us to day. The length of time the grub holds out decides how long they'll stay ; Their motto is "Pitch in. my l)()ys, no time for saying grace, We'll eat whe^t is before us spread, and then we'll leave the place." "" 'Tis tnrning dark. It soon will rain," some green horn has declared, "Ah! no, you fool," another said, "you need not be so scared; Just shade your ej^es, and look above, and you can plainly see 'Tis hoppers flying through the air as thick as they can be." Fair Nature spread the table cloth of green upon the sward, And man spread out the tempting feast. Thej^'re come to claim' reward ; Like Quantrell's band of other days, they say not, "By your leave," But all pitch in and help themselves; nor care whose heart they grieve. POEMS. PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 35 The air is full from earth to sky, till there's no room for more, And when they leave a spot, 'tis bare as any polished floor; Where once lay smiling fields of corn, and Avaving oats and wheat, They came not here to be polite, but simply, just to eat. And eat thoy did, I do declare, not only growing grain, But where all vegetation grew, not one tiling did remain ; And after they had eaten up all herbage that was green, Great holes in fanners tools they made. Tt this they oft' were seen. Some farmers dug some trenches 'round their fields to drive them in. Intending soon to burn them up. and thus the vict'ry win; But others came so thick around to tend their comrade's pyre. The farmers had to gi\'e it up. and yield to their desire. Where one would light, another would, and o'er his l)ody creep, Until they'd pile against a wall quite often six feet deep; It was a mar\el to behold. A sight not soon forgot. Unwilling farmers gave tliem food. It was their hapless lot. They even stopped the nulroad trains, like bandits fierce for gore, By greasing up the track so sleek that cars could run no more; They cared not for the oaths that rent the balmy Summer air. As trainmen lind to clean the track, or else remain right there. But when there was no more to (>at, they all skedadled out, With no compunction for their deed. AVith conscience clear, no doubt : While sulphur fumes from hades that day, sure followed in their Avake, From throats of those wdiose guests they'd been, whose hearts were made to fiche. THE NARROW WAY. It is easy to walk in the well beaten track Where so many have passed on before ; Although none Avho have gone ever yet have turned back To reveal what the end has in store. When the weather is fair it is pleasant to float Toward the mouth of the river, so great ; Though the cataract roars just ahead of the boat, The poor novice thinks not of his fate. 36 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS It is easy and pleasant to do as we'i-c taught, And to follow the lead of some one Who may think he's discovered tlie way that we ought All to go, till the race we have run. There are many sucli leaders 'mong people we find, AVith each having some hobby to ride: And they each many followers gain, bear in mind, From "mong those who lav pruden(^e aside. And endeavor to get to their home in the sky, While they're carnally minded, and vile; Thus, the blind, to be led, on the blinder rely, All because 'tis the pleasantest style. But the Lord marked the way with His blood we should go, If we'd gain the bright haven at last; 'Mong the thorns and the boulders ol' life here below, AVith carnality left in the past. Let us, then, make an effort to follow His lead. And let all of the schisms go b.\- ; For the things non essential to peace we don't need, Since they'll do us no good when we die. Hut the time that is given us here we siioukl use, In preparing a character, pure; For 'tis this in the end, will coiinnend or accuse. Every soul before (iod. I am sui'c. Let us lay all canudity ity, and accept Of the Spirit of God in its stead; For 'tis thus, by His grace, from jdl sin ^ve are kept: And 'tis thus b\' His hand we ai'e led. This is what by example the Savior did teach. And by ])r(M'ept He taught us the same; And if we, the |)oor sinners about us would reach, ]^y tlie gospel of peace, in God's name; Then we. too. must be like the Great Pattern in this. Having on the whole armor of God ; Then the soul will be tilled with ecstatical bliss. Though we oft' feel the chastening- rod. And we'll show to -the world by the lives that we live, AVhat the Spirit of Jesus can' do ; Thus the light of true life unto otlfers we'll give. AYhile this sin-darkened worlTl wepass through. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 37 IT IS ONLY IN THE MIND, AMiat's the use of having troulile as we journey through this life ? Surely we can not enjoy it as when happiness is rife; What if some things fail to please us, and some people prove unkind ? Let us cast each burden from us, It is only in the mind. Form a firm determi tuition that unpleasant thoughts must go, Drive them from you with out question, as you would a hostile foe ; They and happiness will never stay together, you will find, You may have a choice between them, it is only in the mind. Thoughts have entity that's real, although not incarnate liere, Quite as real as the body, and with vision far more clear; That is what controls emotions, leaving often far behind ' Those which might be bringing pleasure, for 'tis only in the mind. But all thoughts, both sad and pleasant, through the power of the will, May be banished or be harltored. with a mission to fulfill; Pleasant thoughts will cause emotions which will always closer bind. Plunum hearts and make them happy, it is only in the mind. Wliile unpleasant thoughts will scatter happiness and peace away, Su(di emotions bring no pleasure, then to harbor them won't pay; Power of the will can banish such things if we're not too blind, To discover how to use it, for 'tis only in the mind. Other people, independent of your will, may think and do, But your self, alone, may conquer all your thoughts, and ac- tions, too ; If you'll only learn to do it life will cease to be a grind Cast each trouble, then, behind you ; it is only in the mind. CUPID AT WORK. It was Summer's evening twilight, And, all nature sought repose ; Save the wand'rers of the night. And the fragrance of the rose. And the moon, in queenly beauty, Took possession of her throne; 38 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS To preside, and do her duty, With fair Nature all her own. Then sly Cupid from his hiding, 'Neath the pansies on the lawn ; Full of mischief, swiftly gliding To the place where they had gone To the flower garden walking. For a pleasant evening stroll; Saw them tripping, gaily talking. Till they reached a little knoll, Where the zephyr's soft caresses Stealing up with easy grace. Played amid her soft brown tresses Tossing them from place to place. Little Cupid slipped behind them, AVith his arrow and his bow. ''Now," thought he, ''I closer bind them. Ere my presence they shall know." Then, out sped the little arrow, Piercing through the manly heart; And. although 'twas small and narrow. It quite well performed its part. Looking now upon the maiden, Standing near, so fresh and fair; This man's heart was with love laden, A.nd he kissed her then and there. TurniiVg quickly to resent it. And to ask the reason why ; She discovered that he meant it. From the sparkle of his eye. Then Sly Cupid, quickly turning. Just to make his work complete ; Set the fire of love to burning. In her soul, so pure and sweet. Then the zephyrs, softly sighing. As they bore the fragrance by; Kissed her cheek, then onward flying. Told another who stood nigh. E"'or her naughty baby brother. Had, unseen, secreted near; POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 39 Wlio protested that uo other, But himself, should kiss the dear. With some petting, and some candy, He, at last was coaxed to say, He would try to find it handy. Not to give the thing away. THE DEVIL IN TROUBLE. The Devil one day got permission to write, A piece for the paper, to be brought to light ; The following week, so the gossipers say. And thus he at once became happy and gay. He made up his mind he would try to excel, In comical stories, and did it so well He got himself into a terrible scrape, At first he thought, sure, he was in a bad shape. I'll try to tell how all his troubles began, A devil with printers, you know, is a man ; You see, when 'twas brought to the editors view. He started to read it, to see if 'twould do. He read a few lines, and then started to smile. But smiling was not very long in the style ; A grin very soon pushed the smile from its place, His mouth covered more than one half of his face. And soon with convulsions of laughter he shook. Till he, at the paper no longer could look; Then next, in a fit, he fell down on the floor. He whooped and he yelled, and he rolled o'er and o'er. The rXevil came up and attended to him. With visage in sadness all sour and grim; Because he must pay all the funeral bill. For writing a piece that was funny to kill. MY ENGAGEMENT. I once was engagctl to a l)eautiful maid. Whose loveliness laid all the rest in the shade; And ! she was fond of the candy, you know, You see it is costly to be a girl's beau. But then I felt sure T was fully repaid. The candy was sweet, but far sweeter the maid ; To hug and to kiss her was heaven below, For I was clear gone on her beauty, you know. 46 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS The time that she promised that she would be mine,. It made me so happy the sun seemed to shine ; AVith double the brightness it e'er did before, And fancy, with fondness, laid pleasures in store. I sweetened her up with some candy one day, So sweet that I lost her, and that didn't pay; She smole a sweet smile on a rival, you know. He found her so sweet that he soon was her beau. I guess now I'm doomed to old batchelor hood, I'm so broken up the girls say I'm no good; Because mj^ poor heart has been broke all to smash. And hopes, once so high, now brought down with a crash. LET IT PASS. When insults are heaped upon you, and your patience sorely tried, Do not yield unto the tempter. He on whom saints have relied, Will give aid in time of trouble ; if you, too, are of this class. Do not, then, resent the evil. Let it pass. ! let it pass. And if disappointments hover ever near you in this life, When you think, with all your efforts, that fruition should be rife ; May be God has not so willed it, that great wealth you should amass; But has something better for you. Let it pass, then. Let it pass. Yes, it might be you'd grow carnal,- and- forget to -serve the :; .- Lord,' ■ ' If decrees of Fate at all times with your wishes would accord; This life will not last forever. It is said to be like grass. Which appears, ere long to vanish. Let it pass, then, let it pass. If you suffer from wrong doings of your fellow creatures here, And your heart is filled with sadness, do what's right, and never fear; Then God's Spirit will be with you, and your foes will all, alas! When it is too late, regret it. Let it pass, then let it pass. Though the trials evil doers bring upon us here below, Are to test our love to Jesus, that our own hearts we may know ; Yet, they will not go unpunished. They, with others of their class Will be lost, unless they're pardoned. Let it pass, then; let it pass. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 41 DESCRIPTION OF A WILD FIRE IN PIONEER DAYS. ()! look yonder in the distance at those curling wreathes of smoke ! 'Tis a wild fire ! Lord protect us. Yea, Thy aid we now in- voke; Here John, yoke the oxen quickly, and in haste some furrows plow, P^)r the fire is drawing nearer, and the wind is stronger now. Mary get some water ready, and some rags and matches, too, i^or we n have a desp'rate struggle ere with dangers we are through ; For the grass is tall, and withered bv the hot October's sun And tis burning just like tinder, faster than a horse can run. Here, give me a match, now hurry, and the rags with water wet Elsie, go back where 'tis safer. You're too small to help us yet; Look ! that fire will cross the furrow. Take that wet rag to it now, II would I)c bcyojid oiu' poAver if it crossed but once, I vow. Haste! tlic wild fire is fipproaching swiftly, and with dreadful roar. See the red tongues darting upward like bold deamons fierce for gore. ! Lord help us to make ready. There is now no time to spare. Can we get the back fire finished? Where is Elsie, tell me, "v^here ? Tn the flurry and excitement thoughts of baby passed away. There she is| She just has fallen in the fire! Lord help,! pray ; Now we hasten to our darling. In her hand she's holding yet Rags to aid. the fire, to conquer; with her rags and clothing we: Heaven bless her, this has saved her. Saved her from a death by fire, Tn the water she'd been playing; then to help us had desire; Had the smoke not curled so thickly we'd have seen her long ago, And, in time, had we not missed her, each heart would have filled Avith woe. Now the flames have spent their fury; leaving blackness in their wake, Passing 'round and rushing onward, with no loss for us to make; And, in gratitude for safety, down we knelt in humble prayer. Thanking God for His protection in that time of danger, there. 42 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS GRAVING FREEDOM FROM BEDLAM. 0! freedom, sweet freedom! 1 long- so for thee, When will thy rich blessings return unto me? I long to regain thee, and call thee my own; And feel as of yore, ere restrain I liadknow^i. Behind these repulsive, grim bars I must wait. Until thy return, and submit to my fate ; Where groans, and wild shrieks of the belamites near, Quite frequently fills me with horror and fear. Around me I see only woe and distress, It seems but few comforts can come here to bless; The poor striken souls who are brought here to dwell, They seem but fair samples of spirits in hell. Between these cold, merciless, bars 1 can view The landscape in beauty, where freedom, so true, Still reigns with out question o'er Nature, so grand, Where sun shine and zephyrs abound on each hand. O! for the sweet freedom to roam at my will, Amid the bright flowers o'er valley and hill; To hear the glad carrol of songsters in air, And feel that I, too, perfect freedom can share. Kepining is useless. They say I am mad, I feel, 0! so lonely to day, and so sad; My God in Thy mercy look down upon me, And grant that 1 may from this prison go free. BLESSED JESUS! Blessed Jesus ! tis sufficient for my happiness to know , That His Spirit is abiding with me, where so e'er I go; That his watchful care is o'er me to protect me from all harm. I am leaning, daily leaning on his Omnipresent arm. Blessed Jesus ! O ! what blessings he bestows on mortals here, With His Holy Spirit guiding, bidding them to never fear ; Trusting only in His power, and His love to take them through, They are freed from every sorrow that may strive to come to view. Blessed Jesus ! where besides Him could I find a faithful friend ? Who could know^ each secret sorrow better, or more aid extend ? Who could love my soul more faithful than He who once gave His life. To redeem it back to glory from this world so full of strife ? POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 43 Blessed Jesus ! He will love me though all friends of earth forsake, I can trust His love forever, for no promise He will break; And His love is ! so tender. Nought on earth cane 'er compare, E'en a mother's love sinks 'neath it. 0! what boundless love is there. Blessed Jesus ! He has promised all things shall together work, For my good, if I but trust Him, though dark evils near me lurk; T will use the means He gives me, to procure life's blessings great, Then in meekness, fully trusting, for His blessings I'll await. Blessed Jesus ! He will keep me ever in His watchful care, I will ever seek His blessings in the attitude of prayer; Till He sends the message for me to come home beyond the sky, Then I'll sing His praise forever where no evil can come nigh. A BOX OF CANDY. T bought a box of candy to sweeten up my girl. Just for the grand occasion the question to propose ; With fears of a rebuttal my thoughts were in a whirl. But how to give girls candy, a lover only knows. It sweetens up the temper as nothing else can do, And makes them gay and cheerful, no matter what is said : You see, I'm one that's tried it, and know this to be true, With out a box of candy the mitten I would dread. So, with a box of candy I went the other day. To see my little sweetheart, and there to try my luck ; With this I was successful. Her heart was light and gay While she was eating candy. On candy she is stuck. I wound my arms around her, and took her on my knee. As soon as ray good candy began to take effect; And told her how I loved her; and asked her if she'd be For life, my gay companion. Said she, "0! I expect." The candy, sure, had won her. So now I am engaged. Without the sugar candy, I would not this have tried. No doubt at my proposal she would have been enraged. But now, because of candy, she soon will be my bride. 44 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS MY COMFORTER. I sat despondent near my door, And all my trials pondered o'er; I felt as blue as indigo, And what to do, I did not know. To cast this aAvful gloom away, Of hope, I had not one bright ray; And this dark cloud of grim despair. Seemed settled 'round me every where. Until at last a meadow lark, Bade me unto his sonnet hark; He sat out side quite near my door. And such sweet music ne'er before Was wafted to my list'ning ear. He bade all sadness disappear; ''Cheer up! cheer up!" he seemed to say. "Like me, be ever blithe and gay." lie seemed an angel from above, His little heart seemed full of love; As there he sat and sang to me. Therefore sweet peace I soon could see. He has his trials, too, I know. Like all things living here below; And yet, he seemed so light and gay, He scattered all my cares away. A PROFOUND SECRET. Young Hobson loved a pretty maid. Her name was Lucy Weise And many gay young fcUoAvs thought tliis girl was awful nice; For she was quite the regnant belle among her set, they say, And Hobson feared another chap might cut him out some day. She promised to be his, all right, but still she was so mean She quite refused to leave her ma, until she was eighteen; She was but sixteen years of age. Two years must come and go. Before he'd have his fears assuaged about another beau. And he inust leave the city, too to follow up his trade, He could not bear the awful thought of parting with the maid; And so he put his wits to work to study up a plan, To feel secure while thus away, about another man. So they agreed between themselves to wed that very night, POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 4S And keep it secret from the world, till time would set things right ; So off they went, and got the knot between them firmly tied. He now felt sure good luck would lie forever by his side. Her mother shared lier l)ed that night, as on the nights before; While he went to his room again, with happy thoughts, galore. The early morning train, next day, bore him toward Tennessee, Where he eonld foUow up liis trade, and quite contented be. Tlie license clerk was not aware that "mum" must be the word, And so 'twas not so very long till every one had heard The news, who cared at all to read the papers of the day, The bride must bear the joke alone. The groom is far away. WHY NOT I? Jesus suffered many sorrows while He sojourned here below, And with sin He oft' was tempted, that He thus might fully know How to succor us in pity, when temptation draweth nigh, Then, since Christ for me thus suffered, 0! my soul, why should . not I? And He bore it all with patience, while he suffered thus for me, Thus He set me an example how my life should ever be ; Then with patience I will suffer. Evil thus I will defy; Since with fortitude He suffered, why with patience can not I? Though my path seems rough and tliorny, Jesus trod this path before, By His aid each foe I'll conquer till this mortal life is o'er; He has promised to be wiwth me. On His aid I can rely, Yes, He trod this rugged pathway. Let me ask, then, why not I? ! then why should I dare murmur at the trials that I meet ? Gold, by fire is tried and proven, thus in value made complete; If I cannot bear the testing, I'm unfit to dwell on high, But since He bore all with patience, for my soul, I'll surel}^ try. Trusting in his blessed promise in His Word, made unto me, That all things shall work together for my good, if I am free Prom the snares of Satan ever, I will cease o'er cares to sigh, Since He bore such sorrows for me, why for Him, then should not I? THE BOILING SPRINGS. In the sunny land of Kansas, near the center of the state. With its wide and rolling prairie, where the coyote woos its mate ; 46 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Where the prairie dogs have dwelling with the rattle snake, and owl, And the pririe chicken strutting, seems the peer of any fowl. There I wandered forth one morning with my host and hostess, kind, And a lot of gay companions for the boiling springs to find; For I'd heard that not far distant were those wonders to be seen, Where the water bubliled upward 'mid the sheeny grasses green. With a luncheon well provided for the feasting at noon tide, Forth we started, gay and cheerful o'er the land scape long and Avide; 'Mong the waving sea of flowers, in their beauty rich and rare, And the sweetly scented zephyrs of the balmy Summer air. I must not forget to mention what we saAV upon the way, For the scene seemed ever varied where-so-e'er the eye would stray ; Here and there we spied a corn field, ladened Avith the growing crop. Then again the pririe flowers tempting us, for them, to stop. Now it is a sandy desert looming up before the view, Where the l)right sand reigns supremely, in its beauty rich and true ; Looking like a sea of Avater, as it glistens in the sun. Not a spear of grass to question all the glory it has Avon. NoAv it is a grassy pasture, Avhere the hungry cattle graze, Next, AA-e find the great salt marshes looming up before the gaze ; Where the alkali, forbidding all encroachment to the grass, Hoards the sunbeams falling on it, like a hot bed under glass. Here the bison oft' has AA^andered; and the "red skins" in the chase. Used to haunt these places ever. Stealing up Avith easy grace On the game Avith boAV and quiver, as they licked and Avallowed there. Often here are still found arroAvs, made of flint with greatest care. But, once more Ave hasten onward, for the springs Ave wish to see. Are before us in the distance, ever boiling up with glee ; NoAv a pasture Ave have entered which is fully ten miles wide, Where the herds of long horned cattle, as we pass them, turn aside. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 47 Now a guide has joined onr number to reveal the boiling springs, Where tlio bubbling sound of water, with sweet music, ever rings ; Lo ! Ave see far in the distance here and there large sheets of white, These are. surely, lakes of water; glist'ning in the brilliant light. "No, tis but the beds of flowers, which profusely grow about, Only beds of sih'er thistles" we are told, "bej^ond a doubt." But we still are guided onward, till the springs are now in sight, Bubbling up in ceaseless murmurs. Sparkling in the sunbeams light. While the lovely water lilies with their fragrance fill the air, Finding root along the margins, for the water that is there; Even where 'tis boiling upward, is as cold as in a well. Why it thus is ever boiling, none are wise enough to tell. THE CAVERN BY THE SEA. In the South Pacific ocean where the Tonga islands lie, Is an isle thev vcleped Hoonga, where the waves dash fiercely W; Near the shore of this fair island is a cavern 'neath the ground. Which by chance, quite accidental a 3'oung Chieftain one day found. And, to reach its only entrance one must dive beneath the sea. Par beneath the foaming billoAvs where the storms can never be. Near the time Avhen 'twas discovered, at the town of Vavaoo, Dwelled the ruler of the islands, whom the subjects all well knew. * As a reckless, cruel tyrant, and their love he ne'er could gain. And, through fear of dire disaster, only, could their wrath re- strain; But a plan for insurrection by a Chief was formed one day. 'Twas betrayed, and he Avith kindred, soon the ruler sought to slay. 'Mong them w^as a fair 3'oung daughter of this Chief death, too must meet, NoAv the -Chief who found this cavern loved this maiden, pure and sweet ; And he long had sought to win her. But her heart seemed adamant, 48 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Yet he could not see her perish, and resolved his aid to grant. All the women of that country are at home on land or sea, They can swim and dive like mermaids, from all fear of dan- ger free; So this young and gallant Chieftain sought this maiden to impart, This intelligence, and shield her, if she'd grant to him her heart. Gladly, then, did she accept him. And with him for succor flew, Then unto this hidden cavern, 'neath the M'aters deep and blue ; Quickly brought he this fair maiden, to protect her from all harm, Many of lifes choicest blessings did he heap upon her there, And as oft as might seem prudent he her solitude would share ; And so well he kept his secret not a soul had guessed the truth, AVhy he was so often absent. Wand 'ring near the sea, for sooth. Lighted only by reflection of sunbeams upon the sea, Yet the cavern seemed a palace to this girl from death set free ; And she tliere received her sweetlieart with true love light in her eyes, Where no thought of an intruder, while with him, could give surprise. But unto the Fiji islands he thought best to emigrate. To protect his preeicms darling from this hapless lonely state ; When at last, with all things ready, while his ship was moored hard by, Freedom then from this close prison for this bonny maid drew nigh. Without word or look of warning, as his loving friends stood near, Leaped he down into the water, there at once to disappear; Just as they had ceased from hoping that his life might yet be spared. Here he came upon the surface. All with wonder at him stared. For with him this fair young maiden also came before their view. Just at first their hearts forbade them to believe the vision true ; But they then and there were married, for a priest was with them there, And a long and happy lifetime did they both together share. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 49 MY TROUBLES AS A BEAU. I ^ot the mitten t'other night, ^ O! how the tears still blur my sight; Ann Dimmick was the lady, fair, I asked her to be Mrs. Blair. But tliis she'd not consent to do, I'm all broke up. Boo hoo ! boo lioo ! She said I was too awful tough. And that my ways were all too rough. She said I re'lly did not know Just how to play the gallant beau. And that I was too green, and "saft." Then at my misery she laughed. Aunt Lydia says I am so green, I'd best use care when I am seen, By cattle, else there apt to make, A dinner of me, by mistake. She says I'm fisty, too, you know, I think she's mean for saying so; Now ma says I must stay with her, So tliis will not again occur. [Tntil I'm old enough to know. How others act who play the beau ; T guess I'll wait till next leap year, And then the girls may call me "deer". IF YOU LOVE HIM. Don't expect all perfection in him you have wed, If you do you will find many trials ahead; It is useless to think that a husband and a beau. Are exactly the same in deportment, you know. You will find as you journey along by his side, Upon life's rugged patliAvay, that though as a bride, You began this long journey, the honeymoon will Wear awaA\ and give place wifelv duties to fill. Some of these will be pleasant, and some the reverse, If you're not very careful you'll make matters worse; If you tr.y to compel him some habit to quit, You will find to your, sorrow this stirs up his "grit." 50 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Never scold and abuse him for faults you have found, This will stir up his wrath, and run love all aground ; But use judgment and tact, and be careful to say. Nothing harshly, no matter what comes in the way. If he shows a bad temper, then keep your own cool ; For when angry, a person is only a fool; And when one is around, it is surely enough. After all, you will find it is only a "bluff." Now a man is, at best, but an overgrown boy. It is often qquite easy his peace to destroy; And as easy to make him light hearted and gay, By the things that you do, or the words that you say. Try t-o make his home pleaant, whatever you do. Have his meals all on time, and the house tidy, too ; As he enters the door, always come with a smile, Of glad welcome to greet him. You'll find it worth while. Let him know 'tis the greatest delight of your life, To perform all the duties becoming a wife ; If you manage him right you can work him like dough, And thus moulfi out his character for him just so. Although traits deeply rooted take time to destroy. More especially so when begun as a boy; Perseverance, and patience, and tact you must use. In this work of reform, lest reward you will lose. AVith exception of one evil habit some men Will indulge, and that's drink. It is different then. When a M^oman first finds that her husband does that, It is time then for action as quick as a cat. Tell him plainly and firmly, though kindly, that you Will desert him forever for being untrue. To his marital bonds, if he ever again, Takes a drink of intoxicants. Then if that plan Fails to work you should quit living with him at once. If you don't you yourself, should be killed for a dunce; There are trials enough for a woman to bear, Without such an addition as this to her care. Gain his confidence first. That's the main thing to do. Then your influence, surely, will carry you through ; If you use tact, and judgment, to help you along. Never try to convince him that he's in the wrong. POEMS, PiJNS AND CONUNDRUMS 51 When he's angry and snappish, just let him alone, For a fool cannot reason, this fact is well known; When his mind is well balanced, and not in a strain, Over something that worries him. then you may gain Quite a good many points in your favor, if j'ou Understand how to manage him all the way through, (lently speak of the matter you may have in mind. If he differs witli you in opinion, you'll find It is best not to argue the point, in the least. Change the subject at once, as though that one had ceased ; Give him time to retlect upon what you have said. If you have the right view, you will come out ahead. Though he thinks all tlie while that 'tis he. and not you. Who is boss of affairs, he'll accept of your view; Bye and bye, if you gently refer once again, To the matter in niind. if it is a good plan. THE HORSE SHOE ON THE DOOR. There's a legend of the horse shoe by the sages often told, Why a horse shoe on the lintel, magic favors ever hold; As the story tellers have it. once a customer appeared At a blacksmith shop for shoing. Now the smithy oft' had heard That a cloven footed Devil walked the earth by night and day. Seeking whom he might devour, when we fail to watch and pray; . He began the preparations for the work he was to do. But a glance revealed the secret in an instant as to who Stood before him. 'Twas the Devil, for one cloven foot had he. But he went about the labor like this fact he failed to see ; Soon he had his task completed, and the customer had gone. Walking down the road soon after, which this beast had trod upon. He discovered that the horse shoe which this cloven foot had worn. Had been kicked off', and deserted, for it could not well adorn; Bovine hoofs, because the shaping of the two were not the same. And it burnt the foot severely. So off soon the horse shoe came. 52 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRtMS That is why, so sages tell us. he could never more endure. Seeing horse shoes in his wanderings. Therefore good luck will be sure. To attend, where one is pendent on the lintel of a home, Seeing this, ''old Nick" will hasten to depart, elsewhere to roam. ^ DON'T WORRY. I Doji 't worry and fret as you journey through life, Twill only make sorrows and trials more rife; And pleasure you ne'er can in this M-ay receive, And heart aches you'll never in this way relieve. But thus they are ever revived in your mind. You can not in this way leave trials behind; Instead of your leaving them far in the past. Their specters will conquer your spirit at last. Then scatter them out as you journey along, Lest they in vast numbers at last are too strong; For you to subdue. Let their shadows not fall Across your life's pathway, your heart to appal. I look not behind you to seek in the rear, The ghosts of those trials to fill you Avith fear; The foe to your soul is upon the alert. For just such a chance all your future to hurt. Tlu^n let the dead past remain buried from sight, And hope in the future be used as a light; To guide you along to the haven of rest, Instead of life's trials to burden your breast. The future of life we can never foretell, The past is all gone. Avhat so ever befell ; Then live for the present, and ever do right, And trust in your Heavenly Father for light. THY WILL BE DONE. Dear Father may Thy will be done. With me until my race is run ; And may I humbly seek thine aid, When burdens are upon me laid. And though my will at times is crossed. May not my trust in Thee be lost; And may I say "Thy will be done," Until I have the vict'rj'- won. fOEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 53 For ill Thy strength dear Lord, not niiiio, I shall endure. Let aid, Divine, Be ever present with me here, And may 1 feel Thy presence near. Thou knoAvest what is best for me. Then may my will with Thine agree ; And may I lean upon Thine arm, For Thy protection from all harm. And may I fully trust Thy love, AVith sweet assurance that above A crown of life awaits for me, Where I shall spend eternity. THE BEAU'S WARNING. 1 know a lovely blue eyed maid, AVith tresses of a golden shade; And lijw and cheeks 'tis perfect bliss, From wliieli 1o steal but one sweet kiss-. Her form and manners are complete. And she goes ever clean and neat; And many lovers long have tried, To coax her to become a bride. l>nt still she clings to maidenhood, And though she seems so pure and good ; She dearly loves to flirt, they say, 'With all the beaux who come her way. So now, young man, take warning, fair, In dealing with her use great care ; Lest other victims she will claim, For flirting, surely is her game. Now I would not insinuate That such had been my hapless fate ; One hates to give himself away, Whose heart has led him thus astray. THE BRAIN. The grayish substance of the brain controls it all, we find, AVithout it thoughts could ne'er occur within the busy mind; This substance goes from cell to cell by nerva aura force, The will has power when 'tis used, with both, to guide their course. Each cell is but a home for thought ; and here emotions dwell, G4 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Each word and action giving vent to thoughts within some cell; A good phrenologist may know what thoughts predominate, By noting all enlargements found upon a person's pate. For each emotion has its home in some exclusive cell. And this gray substance is its food, which causes it to swell; The more 'tis fed the more it seems most Eagerly to crave For more and more of just such food as this gray substance gave. And thus emotions gain control, when not subdued by will, Thus habits form and gain in strength, their missioon to fulfill. A person with well balanced mind emotions hold in check, But agitation oft' is knoAvn some useful life to wreck. The brain is where the mind is found. 'Tis an electric force. ' From which, through nerves, the body gains- cognition of the source Of its surroundings; and 'tis thus with power of the will, Tlmt ronson in its private cell may quite a mission fill. Tlic cell of reason germinates this grayish substance, where 'Vho oilier cells, when brought in use, obtain a bounteous share : And sdiiie times reason has none left, so fast it outward flies. And that is why the world today is full of cares and woes. THE MID NIGHT MURDER. 'Twas in the middle of the night. And old Morpheus claimed his own ; When I awoke with sudden fright, To fiind that I was not alone. The misty moonl)eams ghastl.v light, Revealed a robber standing there; With dagger raised, and in plain sight, Awaiting my heart's blood to share. For one brief moment I lay still. One awful moment of suspense. And then, with quite determined will Which came to me, I know not whence, I formed a plan for action there, A plan to conquer this dread foe ; But it has boM^ed me down with care. And haunts my steps where e'er I go. The thought still thrills me to the core, My feet I placed upon a rug; POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 55 This one who thirsted for my gore, Was doomed to die, 'twas a — bed hug. Yon see, in self defence 'twas done, And just as true as here I sit, The victory was nobly won. For if he'd lived I'd, sure, got bit. THE ROUE'S APOLOGY. They all say that I'm reckless and wild in my way, That I often do things that are naughty and wrong; Now this all may be so, but be that as it may. Please remember that fun to a youth should belong. Though I do not desire 'to molest anyone. And at heart I do try to be awfully good; Yet, it seems part of nature to seek for my fun, And sometimes I, no doubt, seek for more than I should. But wild oats will be sown by the young, I am told, And this time will appear only once in a life ; Now I mean to be settled and staid when I'm old, But should youth not be free from all sadness and strife? I've no doul)t somo suppose that I've never a thought. That is sol)er, because I am always so gay; And yet often, unbidden, the truths that are taught. From the Bible, influence my life every day. 0! then bear with my folly kind friends, while I'm young, For it may be the future will bring me success ; In the days yet to come with a pen, or with tongue, I mav strive mv dear countrv to honor and bless. A DOMESTIC TRAGEDY. In Kansas City, so they say, A bloody tragedy one day. Was almost consummated there, Which would have filled some hearts with care. Now this is how the story goes, As it was told by one who knows, A man and woman entered in A hardwa're store to there begin The fracas, but police were called, And thus the fatal scheme was stalled, The man unto the showcase walked. The woman followed, and she talked 56 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 111 pleading terms, while pulling at His coat-tails to prevent a spat, ''Consider well the consequence Before the shooting you commence," She pleaded while great tear drops fell Upon her cheeks, her grief to tell; "'Of consequence I've had enough, And of a kind that's far too rough. I'll shoot them if they come tonight As soon as they appear in sight." A big revolver then he chose. "AYhat i§ the price of one of those!" lie asked the clerk, avIio tremhling stood, Controling fear as best he could. While Avith a visage fierce and grim, A blood shot eye was turned on him. Tlie clerk had scented trouble near, And knew a "Cop" would soon appear. For he. unnoticed, had sent Avord, When signs (^f bloodslied first appeared. So, leisurely he Avent behind Tlie shoAV case, such a gun to find, But noAv there came into the store. An officer, aa^Iio stood before Tlie Avould-be-purchaser of arms, Prepared to quell all such alarms, "Just come along Avith," he said, "And AA'p Avill find Avhose blood you'd slied." And then some explanations came. Which proved the man quite free from blaino Tavo large pugnacious Thomas cats. Oft' held nocturnal feline spats. Beneath his bedroom Avindow, Avhere The serenading filled the air. And droA^e Morpheus far aAvay, From dark until the break of day. TO MY MOTHER. 0. dear Mother how I miss thee! More than language can explain; For your presence CA^er cheered me. But your absence gives me pain. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 57 You have been a loving mother, Ever gentle, kind and true; And I've never found another, That I could comjiare with you. 1 remember when in cliildhood. How so patiently you'd bear; With my thoughtless acts, that oft' would Fill your loving heart with care. Many times I've heard you i)raying, When you thought yourself alone ; For my soul M-hen I'd be straying, With a heart seemed made of stone. Then mother, you was far from knowing, As you knelt in humble prayer; ' ' What good seeds you thus was sowing, Or the fruit that thev would bear. ' THE FLY'S WARNING. .lust hear my warning, little fly. Please don't go there, I'll tell you why ; There '.s poison in that saucer, sure, For which there never was a cure. And if you take but one wee sip, You'll die of what we call "la grippe"; Now, mamma says she wants you to, Because she has no love for you. You see you are so impolite. You're naughty thus from morn till night You get on victuals with your feet, Which are not always clean and neat. Now, you should better manners learn, Then Mamma would not be so stern ; We do not mind you for a guest. But then you should not be a pest. THE RAINY DAY. Almost all day the welcome rain, Has splashed upon the window pane ; The pearly drops, so clean and neat. Are nestling on the rose buds, sweet. Their stores of wealth thus to exhume. And fill the air with rich perfume ; The violet and buttercup, Their lovedy faces now hold up. 58 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS And, seemingly, enjoy the scene, Before them spread upon the green; While frogs with never ceasing croak, Add to that music, never broke. And ever and anon a bird Prom 'neath some boscage near, is heard ; To warble forth a note of praise, In memory of brighter days. Quite well they know it won't be long, Ere they may come with joyful song; From 'neath their present hiding place, With former dignity and grace. But listen at the ducks and geese. It seems they've just obtained release From obligations to be still. For now they're quacking with a will. GOLD DUST LILY. Little Bessie has a duck, On which she seems quite badly "stuck": And when she talks it answers back. But all it says is quack ! quack ! quack ! At tirst it was a little thing. And golden hued from beak to wing; And when they christened it, you see, She said Gold Dust its name should be. But bye and bye a neighbor came, Who said it ought not bear that name ; For soon, in color 'twould be white, Then Lily would be nearer right. So, once again the preacher came. And christened it another name ; So, Gold Dust Lily now 'tis called, 'Tis name enough to have it stalled. But yet, when in the water, clear. You ought to see the little dear; Despite the name it has to pack. The water covers head and back. 'Twill swim and dive, and wash and play. It seems, almost, for half a day; While of her cheers there is no lack. And it responds with quack ! quack ! quack ! POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDR MS 59 It follows her where e're she goes, And shares each day her joys and woes ; It loves to sit upon her arm, That she may shield it from alarm. The neighbors pigs come near some times, With hearts as black as ink with crimes ; And then there's always quite a chase Of who shall first get to the place Where Gold Dust Lily may be at, Thus pigs and Bessie often spat. The sand burrs seem to hurt its feet, So it can't run so very fleet, But 0, to think of bye and bye, When Summer once again is nigh ; She almost sees the baby ducks, And in her mind their down she plucks. And 0, the mine of wealth she'll gain. Her joys she now can scarce restrain ; Air castles she has built up high, For Gold Dust Lilv bve and bve. POEMS WRITTEN TO ORDER. If you wish to advertise. To obtain the people's trade. In your line of merchandise, Then you should not be afraid To expend a proper sum. For the work to be done right ; Then your customers will come. Flocking to you day and night. Send your public notice in To the bard, with out delay ; If approval it don't win, Then you will not have to pay. But one written in this style, Will attract the eye, you know ; Where a common one, the while. Would have very little show. Choose the style, and meter too. If you have a choice in these ; State how many verses you May wish written if you please. 6Q POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS But it makes no odds what kind, Of a poem you prefer ; Send your subject, bear in mind; And you'll get it, I aver. TOPOGRAPHY OF NEWTON. Let us give our loved city a boosting again, We M^ill find that 'tis always an excellent plan ; If we'd shun a stagnation, to keep it astir, Like the waters that flow through the land, I aver. Its location is grand. In this, none can excel, Almost eight thousand people have come here to dwell ; And still more contemplate an arrival e'er long, Thus the city's improvements are steady and strong. Not a hill side to level. No stones to remove, As a visit among us will certainly prove ; And a nice, level country each side we behold, Where the soil every season, its riches unfold. And its water supply not a city can beat, From a well down a hundred and fifty-one feet ; It is pumped by an engine through pipes to the town, From a reservoir seven miles out, flowing down. Its supply, so they say, the town ne'er can exhaust. And it reaches the people at nominal cost ; It is oft' shipped to Wichita, too, I am told; Where for water to drink, by the gallon, 'tis sold. We have gas and electric contrivances, too. We may use at all times, if we wish so to do ; We have places to go for amusement, at will. These the happy-go-lucky ones frequently fill. We've a league, anti-horse thief in name, here a])out, So the doers of evil had better hide out; Many streets are well paved. And two bands have we here, With two parks to resort to in Summer, for cheer. 'Neath their bird dwelling boscage I oft' take a seat, What a paradise, this, for a lover's retreat! Little Cupid and Hymen roam here hand in hand. While with redolent zephyrs the leaflets are fanned. We've a library too; 'tis a Carnegie gift. And a college to give all the youngsters a lift; And school houses, and churches, we have them galore. Pedagogues and sky pilots we count by. the score. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 61 We've a iniion depot, and auother besides, And they both supply people with tiekets for rides; And then tliere are the Santa Fe yards to supply, Many people with work, who are willing to try. While the pure air and water insures us good health. The ambition thus gained will secure us the wealth; Then awake, and arouse from your slumbers, I say, Let us kick up the dust of our town while we may. AVhoop 'em up! AVhoop 'em up! Come right down from the roost, And assist us in giving our city a boost; All of you who have formerly Avanted to prove You were l)oosters of Newton, come, get on 1lie \\\nvv. Of all business firms of the place who assist, (n our boosting camj^aign, we will make a fair list; And go scatter them broadcast all over the land, This will {ilso boom Newton, "to beat the brass band." ]\rr. IMcMynus, the business man, Surely can please you if any one can; Call and examine his goods for yourself, Pleasing his friends he likes better than pelf. TJusy as bees are his clerks all the Avhile. AVaiting on folks with a good naturcd smile; Most every thing that you want he'll supply. Priced in a way that will cause yr>u to buy. Clothing and dry goods, and groceries too, Here in departmentvS are brought to your view ; iMore goods are sold in a day in this store. Than in a week by its rivals, galore. Fi. E. Russell's Economy Store is the place To obtain what you need, from a smile on the face. To your choice in new rugs, and ncAV furniture, too. Also, every thing second hand here you can view. He is ready and anxious at all times to trade, He will sell, or he'll buy, all regardless of grade; Number six, one and four on Main street is his store. And phone eight-double-five may be used to talk o'er. The Murphy Mortgage Co., we find, make farm and city loans. And by insuring property, for loss it oft' atones. It deals in land, and abstracts, too. We see by drawing near The only set of abstract books in Harvey County, here. 62 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNdRuMS 'Tis at the rear of Home State Bank, of Newton, Kansas, where You may at all times find .your wants attended to, Avith care; Just eall and give the firm a chance to prove what it can do. Phone two-o-eight if you prefer this to an interview\ jMr. Ilahn is the man you should see with out fail, If you have any work in his line to assail; He will take the contract for your work in cement, On all this kind of work he is very intent. And especially so when it comes to drive ways, Ov to gutters and curbs. You will find that it pays To engage an expert. Call up two-seven-four. Number two-oand-four, on AA^est Sixth, is his door. (". C. McDaniel. Pliotoiivaplicr. (i2(ii/9 Cor. Broadwny and jMaiii. \M11 May, Good Slioes for Evt'ry Body. -524 Main. DiifV & 8on. Furniture and Undertaking. .518-520 Main. S. Px. McArtlmr. Abstracter and Real Estate. 106 E. Broadway. M. J. Reynolds. .Tob Printer. No. 106 West Broadway. Jess Morgan, Tailoring. No. lOS West Broadway. The Danglity Lumber Co. 200 East Sixth Street. Why is the world like a monkev ? Because it imitates, as near as pos Soutli Side Realty Co.. N. S. Coble, Prop. No. 311 Main.- Swartz Lumber Co. ."522 Main. W. K. Smith, Drug Store. No. -103 Main. Evans Bros., Hardware Store. No. 02?> Main. H. S. Dickey's Post Office News Store. 717 Main. Graybill Bros.. Shoe and Clotliing Stoie. 523 Main. Conrad's Drugs and Jewelry. No. 51.5 Main. Nichols, the Tailor. 421 Main. ADVERTISING. To advertise, If you are wise. You'll send your card Unto the bard. And I'll be blest If she will rest Till 'tis begun. T'^or 'tis rare fun To write in rhyme At any time. And. don't you see She'll guarantee To please you well? And help you sell. For 'tis unique In rhyme to speak About the things That money brings. Since 'tis bizzarre. 'Tis better, far, To use this style, 'Twill bring a pile, (^f money, sure, And this will cure The '-blues" in all. And cares forestall. Attention thus l''rom all of us. No matter who, \Vill come to you, And help your trade. Be not afraid To test the thing. "Twill money bring. And Mrs. Doyle Will never spoil Much paper, till She gains your will. To go ahead, And earn her bread. POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS 63 PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS sil)lo. tho example we set before it. If we sinil(>, it will smile upon us. I f we flow 11, it will frown in return. If we are selfish and stingy, earing for on one's welfare but our own, the world, soon, will be the same with ii>. But if we are tryiiin' to increase the happiness of others by manifest- ini,' an unselfish inter(>st in tlieir welfare, when an opportunity presents itself, then the rest of tho world will do the same by us. Then let us tiy it, it will pay. Why is a farmer tlie most wonderful man on earth? Because after maturity he keeps on growing, and continues to do so as long as he lives, yet his body is no longer than that of otlier men. His ears arc without number, yet he lives no longer than others. He has lieads, eyes, beards and ears innumerable, yet but one chin, and one brain. He walks on many feet, yet has but two hgs. He often raises many tons from the earth at once, yet is no stronger than other men. At times he has many liands, yet but two arms Some times while in the best of humor he ■"raises eain." \\'ei(' it not fcr 1;iiii the rest of the world would starve. Why is an irritable |)ersoii like a doctor? Because, frequently, his patience is very weak, against. a1 times, he lo-ies it. and is often with- out any. When sliould a meiinail help eonlvdl th(> weather? W'lien she marries a sea-son. Why is a feather like a sunbeam? B( cause i1 is light. Billy — "Say! ^liss Hooligan, what does the w^ord ire mean?" His Teacher — "The wmd ire means ■inger. wrathful, Billy." Billy — "Then is tiiat tlie reason why tluy call Erin's i-!e frehind? Was Mr. Erin cross? ,\iid is that tlie reason, too. that Irish school ma-ams are" — but he got no fartlier witli his intermg^itions. She tool-: hiin by the ear and led him to his seat. Why is bad news sometimes like a c\ch)ne? Because it is a "terrible blow." What is it that eree)is. luns. climbs, has life, seldom falls, and yet is blind ? A vine. When may one become a l>ettor, and yet not a gambler? When he helps another out of a difficulty, he is then an abettor. W'hat is the 'litference between a political race and a horse race? With one, the runners use their feet. With the other, they use their heads. Why is one's tongue like a thiid? Because it must be held, to keep it from running. What is the difference between a carpenter and a blaze? One raises a building up, the other razed it down. What is tlie difference between a pa,y master on a passenger coacii, and one of the other passengers? One pays to ride, while the otlier rides to pay. What is the difference between a miner, and one Avho has been guilty of a misdemeanor? One pays his hue. The other finds his pay. When do acorns attract the most attention? When one tries to wear a tight shoe. When is an employer the most attractive man in the crowd? When he hands the pay to pay the hands. What is the difference between a policeman, and one who thrashes a tramp? One tramps his beat, while the other beats the tramp. What is the difference between one riding on a freight train, and a Avludesale lumber merchant? One boards the freight, while the other freights the boards. \\'hen does a fish go insar;e? When he is caught by a sein. Why is a tramp like a centipede? Because he walks on many feet (of earth ) . 64 POEMS, PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS Why is an unbecoming action like an inv;ilid? Because it don't look well. Why is a naughty child like a dustv coat? Because it needs "brush- ing." ^ What implement may be said to be ot the masculine gender? The mail (male) coach. Why is it dangerous to "sink" money in a mining shaft? Because one is "left in the hole," and is apt to starve before he gets on "solid foot- ing" again. When two people are of the same opinion, why are they like Europe and America? Because they liave an ocean (a notion) between them. In what land do the most wonderful thint;s occur? Dream land, wliile asleep or awake. In what state is the most trouble found? In a mental state. Why is a man like a wagon wheel? Because he first tires of single life, then he turns fellow, then he gets spoke for, then he turns hub-hj. Then if he don't behave, he is apt to get a "boxin"' on the ear. What's the dift'erence between a sale's clerk and a mariner? One sails Ihc sea. while the other sees the sale. \Vhat's the difference between a doctor, ^^•ho chaiges ,too much, and a liull? One looses his patience after he charges. The other before he charges. Why is a mun \\lio is on trial for Imiai-y like an ocean? Because he is "sounded" to find how "deep" he is. Why is truth like a lost treasure? Because it is frequently so covered with rubbish it can not be found. Why is confidence like a lost inheritance? Because it is .easier lost than found. Why is the rain bow liki a perfect character? Because it is beautiful but unatainablc. \Vhat kind of numtal labor makes the loudest noise? Instru-mental. Why is an "up stairs" like a falsehood? Because it is a story. Why is a milk cow like a petulent person? Because she is "Bossy." With what kind of feet do the conquered leave the field of action? De- feat. What ruling king is the most beneficial to his subjects? \Vor-king. W'hy is abuse like food in the crop of a chicken? Because "grit" is required to prevent it causing trouble. What implement reminds one of something good to eat? The grub hoe. Why is a colt like an egg? Because it mu^t be broke to be of any use. What kind of rest does a money lender oujoy best? Tnte-rest. In what country are white and red hawks found? The U. S. Tliey are holly-hocks. What is it that has life, and leaves while standing still? A tree. Why is a hen like a business man who succeeds? Because she uses judgment, industry and perseverence in seeking the worm, until she finds it, scorning not the little ones, the while, imtil she is rewarded with a full crop. What's the diflference between an uiiruUy child and a train of cars? One sometimes gets on the switch. A\hile the other often gets the switch on him. Why is a cat like a successful essay writer? Because she knows how to insert sharp claws (clause) with telling effect. What relative is a certain lucrative business very hard on? A restau- taurant. Arrest your aunt. What is the most powerful ruling element of earth ? Sentiment. Who is the most po\\'erful ruler of earth? One who controls his own emotions. Why is a junk dealer like a quarrelsome person? Because he likes to have scraps. POEMS, PUNS ANJ3 CONUNDRUMS. 65 When are prices sometimes like a mountain side? When they are high and steep. Why is conduct like a public speaker? Because it tells what is in the mind. Why are people who are ^lilty of low, ornery conduct like a badly kept door yard? Because they are "trashy."' Why is a basket of seed potatoes like a bucket of water? Because if improperly managed they will 'run out." Why is a disoriranized band of people like a bad boy? Because unless they reform, they will accomplish but little. Why is a troublesome neighbor like a change of underwear? Because he is often found in a suit ease. When is a sunbeam like a noted orator? When its rays fall on a hypnotized person. It then sheds light on a subject. Why is a hog like a tree? Because he roots in the ground. What kind of rice is it tliat only the root is good to eat, while the other part is used for a drink, together with ice? Licorice (lico-rice liquor ice. ) What is the difference between a man'-* clothing i^tore and a house wife? One clothes men, while the other mend^ clothes. When is a moneyless tramp well healed? \Vhen he has no sores on his heels. What is the difference in a gviib hoe and a gri-t mill? One grubs the ground, while the other grounds the griiH. What is the difference between a justice of the peace and the weather bureau? One signs warrants, the other M'arrants signs. Why arc some news]iapers like invalids? Because they are weakly ( weekly ) . What kind of fits do healthy people frequently have? Benefits. Why is a bad boy like a. postage stamp? Because he is liable to get licked. Why is an irritable person difficult of approach? Because he is in- closed with ofl'ense (a fence) and is liable to hurl a piece of a fence at one. Why is stealing a person like a sleeping infant? Because it is kid napping. Why is one who has recovered from a st(me bruise like a financier? Because he is well healed (heeled). Why is opportunity like drift wood in a s\Aollen stream? Because wo must grasp it while it is ])assing, in order to get it, and be in a hurry about it, lest it pass beyond reach. Why is one who takes sea baths for his health like a miser? Because he enjoys securing (sea curing). Why is a porter on a Pullman Sleeper the queerest man on the train? Behause he can give a berth (birth). Why are ones hopes like the blossoms of a rose bush? Because they some times become blasted. What kind of band music is disagreeable? "Chin music," from a hus-band. When is a girl's beau like a paper pattern? When he gets "cut out" by a rival. Why is a convict like a balloon ? Because he is "sent up." Why is a lover's qunrrel like a disconnected train? Because it is ready to be made up. Why are weeds in a garden like a third person at a .sparking bee? Be- cause they're in the way. In what court would a stenographer be an unwelcome adjunct? In the court of appeals, where a beau sues his sweetheart for her heart and hand. m POEMS, PUNS AND (T>NUNDRUMS. What is the dieffronce between a young fellow and his girl? She misses him while absent: lie Misses her when he is with her. What is tile diUVrence between an old batchelor and a married man? One missed his chance. The other chanced his Miss. Wliy is an irritable person like a muddy road? Because tlie sooner they "dry up," the better one is pleased. What Niition is most noted lor advocating the temperance cause? Carrie Nation. W^hy is a beau's girl like a plaster on the nape of his nock? P>ecause slie is "stuck" on him. Why is a flower bed before blooming time, like an engaged couple? Because it is full of delightful expectations. WHiy is a pleasure ride with ones sweetheart like the journey of life? Because one is seldom in a luu'ry to l)ring it to a close. ^^'hy is happiness like luiliappincss ? Because the more we give to others, the more we have. Why is a newly mairied couple like a honey bee? Because they can find sweets where no one else can.. What is the difl'erence between a jewelry man and a jailor? One sells WMtches. wliile the other watches cells. Why is a wind storm like a talkative person? Because one tires of hearing it blow. Why is patience like rye whiskey? Because the more it stands, the stronger it gets. Why is a wild mule like a dis^^atisfied person? Because it has a kick coming. Why is a law suit like a cu)) of cofree? Because tliere mnst be j^ood grounds from which to draw it, to make it a success. Why is a married lady like a lieavy rain? Because slie is no longer Missed (mist). Wliy is a school like a puldic highway? liecause it is usually graded up. ^^ by is a ti'aveling man like a client? i^ecausc he has a suit case. \N hat kind of a charge would a ]>risoner at the bar prefer? A dis- charge. In what ship do prominent men like to sail best on the sea of life? Leader- ship. ^Vhat kind of torics are always welcome in the United States? Fac- tories. Why are oflicial documents like cfrtain tropical fruit trees? Because they iDear dates. Why is it imprudent to refer to c- cause he is a. '"sucker." W iiat is the ditlerence between one who is called over a t(de])iione, and a naugiity child".' One is <',illecl up. while the other is called down. What is the diH'erence between a walnut and a man? One is ,of more use l)efore being bi'oken, the other, afterwards. Why should legislators be arrested for murder? Because they kill so many bills. What is llie dili'eiciiee between a man and a hickory nut? One can be broke and not ""cracked." or (dse ""cracked" and not broke; while the other can not. Why is ones religious, oi- piditieal opinion like a boil on tjie najte of his neck? Because it is a tender spot, and requires handling with care, else it will hurt. What is the dift'erence between warts and a. straw? One is s]ielled backward, the other forward. WHiy is a newspaper correspondent like a shot gun? Because he fre- quently makes a report. What year is of most importance to a criminal at the liar? A law-ycr. Why is one beginning to learn a trade, ready to die? Because he is a noxice (no vice). Wiiat is it that tells us many things, though it can neither talk, sec, or nioN'e? .V newsi)aper. When is it dangerous to enter a city? ^^'hen it is full of ""bums'" — bombs — lest some of them might get '"busted" and ''blow up" the town. What son should a parent cherish with the tenderest care and con- sideration? Rea-son. What is the difTerence ])etween a business man and a young calf? One likes to suck seed, while the other likes to suck — its niotiier. How may a watch be changed to a match. By inverting the first letter. What is the difTerence between an ordinary conflagration, and the fires of love, of the twentieth century? With one a match will start^it aglow, but with the other, a match frequently will extinguish it. What kind of a neck tie is of most interest to a hang man? A rope. 68 POEMS, I'UNS AND CONUNDRUMS. ^^lly is a confidence man like a sow with young pigs? Because he works with suckers. When is a moneyless man like a sharpened razor? When he is com- l)lctely strapped. What state is always acknowledging a debt? Iowa (I owe A). What kind of a table is tlie most desij-able? Comfor-table. What is the diffeience between a bad habit and an important newspaper item? One should be "cut out" and abandoned. The other should be cut out, and preserved. What is the difference between a hypnotist and some public speakers? \>'ith one the subject is put to sleep. With the other the subject puts others to sleep. What kind of brick is of most interest to ladies of fashion? Fabric. What is the difference between a clock and a scandalmonger? One runs down others, the other itself. When is a pupil like his books ? When he gets lazy. He is then made to study. With what are tlie needy well supplied? With wants. ^\'hy is the post master hard on foot wear? Because he stamps so much. Why is a lawyer like a show bill ? Because he should be well posted. Why is a healthj"^ Indian like a man who reads much? He is a well red ( read ) man. \Miat is the difference between a traveler and the distant past? One is long ago, the other goes along. When is a cat better posted, than on mouse catching? When a dog chases her up a post. When n package is sent by express, wherein does it differ from a public speaker? One expresses himself, while the other is expressed by some one else. Why are some liogs like a dinner bell? Because one has to ring them. What kind of "taters" thrive best on Kansas soil? Agitators (agi taters) . What city has tlie power for receiving and containing most? Capa- city. What kind of burrs are best to use in kindling a fire. Em-bers Why should a tin pedler ha\e a butter fly for a partner? Because its tinsel coloring might draw customers. Wood ticks are in Texas, but what kind thrive best in Kansas? Poli- tics. Why is a volcanic eruption like the time o'day? Because all men-tion (shun) it. Why should each man be a pious musician? Because each one is a liim (hymn). What kind of aid is always acceptable to young ladies in Summer? Lemon-ade. What garden vegetable has two toes? The to-ma-to. In what ship do the majority of men in America prefer oailing alone? citizen-ship. Why is a sidewalk like a well filled stomach? It is preferred on which to take a walk. How may a pair of shoes be changed into a pair of stockings? By erasing the first letter. Why is a window like an invalid? Because it has pains (panes). When are bees beneficial in a political contest? When they sting. They then make bee-leavers (believers) in a hurry, and with a motion (emo- tion ) . INDEX Illustration: The Handsomest Man in Town I Music : The Handsomest Man in Town 2 3 Words: The Handsomest Man in Town 4 If You Love Her 4 Speak Not Unkindly 5 To My Lady Love 6 The Shiftirtg Sands 6 My Donkey Cart 7 Our Country g Speak Not Evil' 8 Awake ! Little Cupid 9 Be Pleasant lO I"m Satisfied 10 That Gallinipper 11 The Mocking Bird 12 Spooks and Burglars IS The Key to Connubial Bliss 14 They Know Not What they Do 15 The Fire Flies 16 My Visitor 17 Where They Sleep 18 The Legend of Baboushka 18 True Love in Trouble 19 The Prize Winner 22 Mother is Dead 23 An Autobiography 23 Good Night 25 The Jay Hawk Dude 26 A Birthday 26 The Star of Hope 27 Little Elsie's Misfortune 28 Bachelorhood 28 Married Life 29 Kansas Cyclones, and Other Marvels 30 My Children 32 A Mother's Love 33 There's Room at the Top 33 Grasshoppers of 1874 34 The Narrow Way 35 It is Only in the Mind 37 Cupid at Work 37 The Devil in Trouble 39 My Engagement 39 Let it Pass 40 Description of a Wild Fire in Pioneer Days 41 Craving Freedom from Bedlam 42 Blessed Jesus 42 A Box of Candy 43 My Comfortor 44 A Profound Secret 44 Why Not I? 45 The Boiling Springs 45 The Cavern by the Sea 47 My Troubles as a Beau 49 If You Love Him 49 The Horse Shoe on the Door 51 Don't Worry 52 Thy Will Be Done 52 The Beaux Warning 53 The Brain 53 The Midnight Murder 54 The Roue's Apology 55 A Domestic Tragedy 55 To My Mother 56 The Fly's Warning 57 The Rainy Day 57 Gold Dust Lily 58 Poems Written to Order f 9 Topography of Newton 60 Advertising 62 Puns and Conundrums 63 SEP 16 1911 One copy del. to Cat. Div. fiFP 29 19" LIBRARY OF CONr-Dc