X T."^^ -^Sp t})t same ^utlior. POEMS. Diamond Editio7i. iSmo, ^i.oo. Household Edition. With Portrait. i2mo, ;^2.oo. The Same. lamo, full gilt, $2.50. Red-Line Edition. Illustrated. Small 4to, $2.50. Blue atid Gold Edition. 2 vols. 32mo, $2.50. Ilhistrated Library Edition. With Portrait. 8vo, $4.00. VISION OF SIR LAUNFAL. i6mo, 75 cents. The Same. Illustrated. Small 4to, ^2.00. THE BIG LOW PAPERS. Series I. and II. i2mo, each $1.50. THREE MEMORIAL POEMS. i6mo, ^1.25. THE ROSE. Illustrated. i6mo, ^1.50. FIRESIDE TRAVELS. i2mo, IS1.50. The Same. In " Riverside Aldine Series." i6mo, $1.00. AMONG MY BOOKS. Series I. and II. izmo, each $2.00. MY STUDY WINDOWS. i2mo, ^2.00. COMPLETE WORKS. 5 vols. i2mo, ^9.00. HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & CO., Publishers, BOSTON. 9 2El)e Hitiers^iDe ^Itiine ^txit& ME LIB (E US-HIPPONAX THE BIGLOW PAPERS EDITED, WITH AN INTRODUCTION, NOTES, GLOSSARY, AND COPIOUS INDEX BY "^ HOMER WILBUR, A. M. PASTOR OF THE FIRST CHURCH IN JAALAM, AND (PROSPECTIVE) MEMBER OF MANY LITERARY, LEARNED, AND SCIENTIFIC SOCIETIES {/or which see page 13.) The ploughman's whistle, or the trivial flute, Finds more respect than great Apollo's lute. Qziarles's Etnblems, B. II. E. 8 Margaritas, munde porcine, calcasti : en, siliquas accipe jfac. Car. Fil. ad Pub. Leg. § i BOSTON HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN AND COMPANY New York: 11 East Seventeenth Street a:f)e 3Stt)crsttie ^res«, CamftriCge 1885 '? ^i^A^ Copyright, 1848 and 1876, Br JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL. Copyright, 1885, Bt HOUGHTON, MIFFLIN & CO. All rights reserved. 48 6555 JUL 17 1942 ITie Riverside Press, Cambridge : Blectrotyped and Printed by H. 0. Houghton & Ca CONTENTS. Note to Title-Page 9 Introduction 15 No. I. — A Letter from Mr. Ezekiel Biglow OF Jaalam to the Hon. Joseph T. Bucking- ham, Editor of the Boston Courier, in- closing A PoEJi OF his Son, Mr. Hosea Biglow 52 No. II. — A Letter from Mr. Hosea Biglow to THE Hon. J. T. Buckingham, Editor of the Boston Courier, covering a Letter from Mr. B. Sawin, Private in the Massachu- setts Regiment 61 No. III. — What Mr. Robinson thinks ... 77 No. IV. — Remarks of Increase D. O'Phace, Esquire, at an Extrumpery Caucus in State Street, reported by Mr. H. Big- low 91 No. V. — The Debate in the Sennit. Sot to A Nusry Rhyme 108 VI CONTENTS. PAGE No. VI. — The Pious Editor's Ceeed. . . .118 No. VII. — A Letter from a Candidate for THE Presidency in Answer to suttin Questions proposed by Mr. Hosea Big- low, inclosed in a Note from Mr. Biglow to S. H. Gay, Esq., Editor of the Na- tional Anti-slavery Standard .... 128 No. VIII. — A Second Letter from B. Sawin, Esq 141 No. IX. — A Third Letter from B. Sawin, Esq. 162 Glossary 183 Index • 187 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. It will not have escaped tlie attentive eye that I have, on the title-page, omitted those honorary appendages to the editorial name which not only add greatly to the value of every book, but whet and exacerbate the appetite of the reader. For not only does he surmise that an honorary membership of literary and scientific societies implies a cer- tain amount of necessary distinction on the part of the recipient of such decorations, but he is willing to trust himself more entirely to an author who writes under the fearful responsibility of involving the reputation of such bodies as the S. Archceol. Dahom.^ or the Acad. Lit. et Sclent. Kamtschat. I cannot but think that the early editions of Shakspeare and Milton would have met with more rapid and general acceptance, but for the barrenness of their respective title-pages ; and I believe that, even now, a publisher of the works of either of those justly distin- guished men would find his account in pro- 10 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. curing their admission to the membersMp of learned bodies on the Continent, — a pro- ceeding no whit more incongruous than the reversal of the judgment against Socrates, when he was already more than twenty cen- turies beyond the reach of antidotes, and when his memory had acquired a deserved respectability. I conceive that it was a feeling of the importance of this precaution which induced Mr. Locke to style himself " Gent." on the title-page of his Essay, as who should say to his readers that they could receive his metaphysics on the honor of a gentleman. Nevertheless, finding that, without de- scending to a smaller size of type than would have been compatible with the dignity of the several societies to be named, I could not compress my intended list within the limits of a single page, and thinking, moreover, that the act would carry with it an air of decorous modesty, I have chosen to take the reader aside, as it were, into my private closet, and there not only exhibit to him the diplomas which I already possess, but also to furnish him with a prophetic vision of those which I may, without undue presump- tion, hope for, as not beyond the reach of NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. 11 human ambition and attainment. And I am the rather induced to this from the fact that my name has been unaccountably dropped from the last triennial catalogue of our be- loved Alma Mater. Whether this is to be attributed to the difficulty of Latinizing any of those honorary adjuncts (with a com- plete list of which I took care to furnish the proper persons nearly a year beforehand), or whether it had its origin in any more cul- pable motives, I forbear to consider in this place, the matter being in course of painful investigation. But, however this may be, I felt the omission the more keenly, as I had, in expectation of the new catalogue, enriched the library of the Jaalam Athe- naeum with the old one then in my posses- sion, by which means it has come about that my children will be deprived of a never- wearying winter-evening's amusement in looking out the name of their parent in that distinguished roll. Those harmless inno- cents had at least committed no but I forbear, having intrusted my reflections and animadversions on this painful topic to the safekeeping of my private diary, intended for posthumous publication. I state this fact here, in order that certain nameless individ- 12 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. uals, wlio are, perhaps, overmucli congratu- lating themselves upon my silence, may know tliat a rod is in pickle which the vigorous hand of a justly incensed posterity will ap- ply to their memories. The careful reader will note, that, in the list which I have prepared, I have included the names of several Cisatlantic societies to which a place is not commonly assigned in processions of this nature. I have ventured to do this, not only to encourage native am- bition and genius, but also because I have never been able to perceive in what way dis- tance (unless we suppose them at the end of a lever) could increase the weight of learned bodies. As far as I have been able to ex- tend my researches among such stuffed spe- cimens as occasionally reach America, I have discovered no generic difference between the antipodal Fog rum Japonicum and the F, Americcmum sufficiently common in our own immediate neighborhood. Yet, with a be- coming deference to the popular belief, that distinctions of this sort are enhanced in value by every additional mile they travel, I have intermixed the names of some tolerably dis- tant literary and other associations with the rest. NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. 13 I add here, also, an advertisement, which, that it may be the more readily understood by those persons especially interested therein, I have written in that curtailed and other- wise maltreated canine Latin, to the writing and reading of which they are accustomed. Omnib. per tot. Orb. Terrar. Catalog. Academ. Edd. Minim, gent, diplom. ab inclytiss. acad. vest, orans, vir. honorand. operosiss., at sol. ut sciat. quant, glor. nom. meum (dipl. fort, concess.) catal. vest. temp, futnr. affer., ill. subjec., addit. omnib. titul. honorar. qu. adh. non tant. opt. quam probab. put. *^* LitU Uncial, distinz. ut Prces. S. Hist. Nat. Jaal. HOMER US WILBUR, Mr., Episc. Jaalam, S. T. D. 1850, et Yal. 1849, et Neo-Cses. et Brun. et Gulielm. 1852, et Gul. et Mar. et Bowd. et Georgiop. et Viridimont. et Columb. Nov. Ebor. 1853, et Am- herst, et Watervill. et S. Jarlath. Hib. et S. Mar. et S. Joseph, et S. And. Scot. 1854, et Nashvill. et Dart, et Dickins. et Concord, et Wash, et Columbian, et Chariest, et Jeff, et Dubl. et Oxon. et Cantab, et caet. 1855, P. U. N. C. H. et J. U. D. Gott. et Osnab. et Heidelb. 1860, et Acad. Bore us. Berolin. Soc. et SS. RR. Lugd. Bat. et Patav. et Lond. et Edinb. et Ins. Feejee. et Null. Terr, et Pekin. Soc. Hon. et S. H. S. et S. P. A. et A. A. S. et S. Humb. Univ. et S. Omn. Rer. Quarund. q. Aliar. Promov. Passama- quod. et H. P. C. et I. O. H. et A. A. *. et n. K. P. et *. B. K. et Peucin. et Erosoph. et Philadelph. et 14 NOTE TO TITLE-PAGE. Frat. in Unit, et 2. T. et S. Archseolog. Atlien. et Acad. Scient. et Lit. Panorm. et SS. R. H. Matrit. et Beeloocliist. et Caffrar. et Caribb. et M. S. Reg. Paris, et S. Am. Antiserv. Soc. Hon. et P. D. Gott. et LL. D. 1852, et D. C. L. et Mus. Doc. Oxon. 1860, et M. M. S. S. et M. D. 1854, et Med. Fac. Univ. Harv. Soc. et S, pro Convers. PoUywog. Soc. Hon. et Higgl. Piggl. et LL. B. 1853, et S. pro Christianiz. Moschet. Soc, et SS. Ante-Diluv. ubiq. Gent. Soc. Hon. et Civit. Cleric. Jaalam. et S. pro Diffus. General. Tenebr. Secret. Corr. INTRODUCTION. When, more than three years ago, my tal- ented young parishioner, Mr. Biglow, came to me and submitted to my animadversions the first of his poems which he intended to commit to the more hazardous trial of a city newspaper, it never so much as entered my imagination to conceive that his productions would ever be gathered into a fair volume, and ushered into the august presence of the reading public by myself. So little are we short-sighted mortals able to predict the event ! I confess that there is to me a quite new satisfaction in being associated (though only as a sleeping partner) in a book which can stand by itseK in an independent unity on the shelves of libraries. For there is always this drawback from the pleasure of printing a sermon, that, whereas the queasy stomach of this generation will not bear a discourse long enough to make a separate volume, those religious and godly-minded 16 INTRODUCTION. children (tliose Samuels, if I may call them so) of the brain must at first lie buried in an undistinguished heap, and then get such resurrection as is vouchsafed to them, mum- my-wrapt with a score of others in a cheap binding, with no other mark of distinction than the word " Miscellaneous " printed upon the back. Far be it from me to claim any credit for the quite unexpected popular- ity which I am pleased to find these bucolic strains have attained unto. If I know my- self, I am measurably free from the itch of vanity ; yet I may be allowed to say that I was not backward to recognize in them a certain wild, puckery, acidulous (sometimes even verging toward that point which, in our rustic phrase, is termed shut-eye) flavor, not wholly unpleasing, nor unwholesome, to palates cloyed with the sugariness of tamed and cultivated fruit. It may be, also, that some touches of my own, here and there, may have led to their wider acceptance, al- beit solely from my larger experience of lit- erature and author ship. 1 1 The reader curious in such matters may refer (if he can find them) to A Sermon preached on the Anniversary of the Dark Day ; An Artillery Election Sermon ; A Discourse on the Late Eclipse ; Dorcas, a Funeral Sermon on the Death of Madam Submit Tidd, Relict of the late Experience Tidd^ Esq., etc., etc. INTRODUCTION. 17 I was at first inclined to discourage Mr. Biglow's attempts, as knowing that the de- sire to poetize is one of the diseases naturally- incident to adolescence, which, if the fitting remedies be not at once and with a bold hand applied, may become chronic, and render one, who might else become in due time an orna- ment of the social circle, a painful object even to nearest friends and relatives. But thinking, on a further experience, that there was a germ of promise in him which required only culture and the pulling up of weeds from around it, I thought it best to set be- fore him the acknowledged examples of Eng- lish compositions in verse, and leave the rest to natural emulation. With this view, I ac- cordingly lent him some volumes of Pope and Goldsmith, to the assiduous study of which he promised to devote his evenings. Not long afterwards he brought me some verses written upon that model, a specimen of which I subjoin, having changed some phrases of less elegancy, and a few rhymes objectionable to the cultivated ear. The poem consisted of childish reminiscences, and the sketches which follow will not seem des- titute of truth to those whose fortunate edu- cation began in a country village. And, 18 INTRODUCTION. first, let us hang up his charcoal portrait of the school-dame. " Propt on the marsh, a dwelling now, I see The humble school-house of my A, B, C, Where well- drilled urchins, each behind his tire, Waited in ranks the wished command to fire. Then all together, when the signal came. Discharged their a-h abs against the dame, Who, 'mid the volleyed learning, firm and calm, Patted the furloughed ferule on her palm, And, to our wonder, could detect at once Who flashed the pan, and who was downright dunce. There young Devotion learned to climb with ease The gnarly limbs of Scripture family-trees, And he was most commended and admired Who soonest to the topmost twig perspired ; Each name was called as many various ways As pleased the reader's ear on different days, So that the weather, or the ferule's stings, Colds in the head, or fifty other things, Transformed the helpless Hebrew thrice a week To guttural Pequot or resounding Greek, The vibrant accent skipping here and there, Just as it pleased invention or despair ; No controversial Hebraist was the Dame ; With or without the points pleased her the same ; If any tyro found a name too tough. And looked at her, pride furnished skill enough ; She nerved her larynx for the desperate thing. And cleared the five-barred syllables at a spring. IN TROD UCTION. 1 9 " Ah, dear old times ! there once it was my hap, Perched on a stool, to wear the long-eared cap ; From books degraded, there I sat at ease, A drone, the envy of compulsory bees." I add only one further extract, which will possess a melancholy interest to all such as have endeavored to glean the materials of Revolutionary history from the lips of aged persons, who took a part in the actual mak- ing of it, and, finding the manufacture profit- able, continued the supply in an adequate proportion to the demand. " Old Joe is gone, who saw hot Percy goad His slow artillery up the Concord road, A tale which grew in wonder, year by year, As, every time he told it, Joe drew near To the main fight, till, faded and grown gray, The original scene to bolder tints gave way ; Then Joe had heard the foe's scared double-quick Beat on stove drum with one uncaptured stick, And, ere death came the lengthening tale to lop, Himself had fired, and seen a red-coat drop ; Had Joe lived long enough, that scrambling fight Had squared more nearly to his sense of right. And vanquished Percy, to complete the tale. Had hammered stone for life in Concord jail." I do not know that the foregoing extracts ought not to be called my own rather than Mr. Biglow's, as, indeed, he maintained 20 INTRODUCTION. stoutly that my file had left nothing of his in them. I should not, perhaps, have felt entitled to take so great liberties with them, had I not more than suspected an heredi- tary vein of poetry in myself, a very near ancestor having written a Latin poem in the Harvard Gratulatio on the accession of George the Third. Suffice it to say, that, whether not satisfied with such limited ap- probation as I could conscientiously bestow, or from a sense of natural inaptitude, I know not, certain it is that my young friend could never be induced to any further essays in this kind. He affirmed that it was to him like writing in a foreign tongue, — that Mr. Pope's versification was like the regular ticking of one of Willard's clocks, in which one could fancy, after long listening, a cer- tain kind of rhythm or tune, but which yet was only a poverty-stricken tich^ tick after all, — and that he had never seen a sweet- water on a trellis growing so fairly, or in forms so pleasing to his eye, as a fox-grape over a scrub-oak in a swamp. He added I know not what to the effect that the sweet- water would only be the more disfigured by having its leaves starched and ironed out, and that Pegasus (so he called him) hardly INTRODUCTION. 21 looked right with his mane and tail in curl- papers. These and other such opinions I did not long strive to eradicate, attributing them rather to a defective education and senses untuned by too long familiarity with purely natural objects, than to a perverted moral sense. I was the more inclined to this leniency since sufficient evidence was not to seek, that his verses, as wanting as they certainly were in classic polish and point, had somehow taken hold of the public ear in a surprising manner. So, only setting him right as to the quantity of the proper name Pegasus, I left him to follow the bent of his natural genius. There are two things upon which it would seem fitting to dilate somewhat more largely in this place, — the Yankee character and the Yankee dialect. And, first, of the Yan- kee character, which has wanted neither open maligners, nor even more dangerous enemies in the persons of those unskilful painters who have given to it that hardness, angularity, and want of proper perspective, which, in truth, belonged not to their subject, but to their own niggard and unskilful pencil. New England was not so much the colony of a mother country, as a Hagar driven forth 22 INTRODUCTION. into the wilderness. The little self-exiled band which came hither in 1620 came not to seek gold, but to found a democracy. They came that they might have the privi- lege to work and pray, to sit upon hard benches and listen to painful preachers as long as they would, yea, even unto thirty- seventhly, if the spirit so willed it. And surely, if the Greek might boast his Ther- mopylae, where three hundred men fell in re- sisting the Persian, we may well be proud of our Plymouth Rock, where a handful of men, women, and children not merely faced, but vanquished, winter, famine, the wilderness, and the yet more invincible storge that drew them back to the green island far away. These found no lotus growing upon the surly shore, the taste of which could make them forget their little native Ithaca ; nor were they so wanting to themselves in faith as to burn their ship, but could see the fair west wind belly the homeward sail, and then turn unrepining to grapple with the terrible Un- known. As Want was the prime foe these hardy exodists had to fortress themselves against, so it is little wonder if that traditional feud is long in wearing out of the stock. The INTRODUCTION. 23 wounds of the old warfare were long a-heal- ing, and an east wind of hard times puts a new ache in every one of them. Thrift was the first lesson in their horn-book, pointed out, letter after letter, by the lean finger of the hard schoolmaster, Necessity. Neither were those plump, rosy-gilled Englishmen that came hither, but a hard-faced, atrabilious, earnest-eyed race, stiff from long wrestling with the Lord in prayer, and who had taught Satan to dread the new Puritan hug. Add two hundred years' influence of soil, climate, and exposure, with its necessary result of idiosyncrasies, and we have the present Yan- kee, full of expedients, half-master of all trades, inventive in all but the beautiful, full of shifts, not yet capable of comfort, armed at all points against the old enemy. Hunger, longanimous, good at patching, not so care- ful for what is best as for what will do^ with a clasp to his purse and a button to his pocket, not skilled to build against Time, as in old countries, but against sore-pressing Need, accustomed to move the world with no TTou cTTto but his own two feet, and no lever but his own long forecast. A strange hy- brid, indeed, did circumstance beget, here in the New World, upon the old Puritan stock, ^ 24 INTRODUCTION. and the earth never before saw such mystic practicalism, such niggard-geniality, such calculating-fanaticism, such cast-iron-enthusi- asm, such unwilling-humor, such close-fisted- generosity. This new Grceculus esuriens will make a living out of anything. He will invent new trades as well as tools. His brain is his capital, and he will get education at all risks. Put him on Juan Fernandez, and he would make a spelling-book first, and a salt-pan afterward. In caelum^ jusseris, ihit, — or the other way either, — it is all one, so anything is to be got by it. Yet, af- ter all, thin, speculative Jonathan is more like the Englishman of two centuries ago than John Bull himself is. He has lost somewhat in solidity, has become fluent and adaptable, but more of the original ground- work of character remains. He feels more at home with Fulke Greville, Herbert of Cherbury, Quarles, George Herbert, and Browne, than with his modern English cou- sins. He is nearer than John, by at least a hundred years, to Naseby, Marston Moor, Worcester, and the time when, if ever, there were true Englishmen. John Bull has suf- fered the idea of the Invisible to be very much fattened out of him. Jonathan is con- INTRODUCTION. 25 scious still that he lives in the world of the Unseen as well as of the Seen. To move John, you must make your fulcrum of solid beef and pudding ; an abstract idea will do for Jonathan. *^*T0 THE INDULGENT READER. My friend, the Reverend Mr. Wilbur, having been seized with a dangerous fit of illness, before this Introduction had passed through the press, and being incapacitated for all literary exertion, sent to me his notes, memoranda, etc., and requested me to fash- ion them into some shape more fitting for the general eye. This, owing to the frag- mentary and disjointed state of his manu- scripts, I have felt wholly unable to do ; yet, being unwilling that the reader shovdd be deprived of such parts of his lucubrations as seemed more finished, and not well discern- ing how to segregate these from the rest, I have concluded to send them all to the press precisely as they are. Columbus Nye, Pastor of a Church in Bungtown Corner. 26 IN TROD UCTION. It remains to speak of the Yankee dialect. And first, it may be premised, in a general way, tkat any one much read in the writ- ings of the early colonists need not be told that the far greater share of the words and phrases now esteemed peculiar to New Eng- land, and local there, were brought from the mother country. A person familiar with the dialect of certain portions of Massachusetts will not fail to recognize, in ordinary dis- course, many words now quoted in English vocabularies as archaic, the greater part of which were in common use about the time of the King James translation of the Bible. Shakspeare stands less in need of a glossary to most New Englanders than to many a na- tive of the Old Country. The peculiarities of our speech, however, are rapidly wearing out. As there is no country where reading is so universal and newspapers are so multi- tudinous, so no phrase remains long local, but is transplanted in the mail-bags to every remotest corner of the land. Consequently our dialect approaches nearer to uniformity than that of any other nation. The English have complained of us for coining new words. Many of those so stig- INTRODUCTION. 27 niatlzed were old ones by them forgotten, and all make now an unquestioned part of the currency, wherever English is spoken. Undoubtedly, we have a right to make new words, as they are needed by the fresh as- pects under which life presents itself here in the New World ; and, indeed, wherever a language is alive, it grows. It might be questioned whether we could not establish a stronger title to the ownership of the Eng- lish tongue than the mother-islanders them- selves. Here, past all question, is to be its great home and centre. And not only is it already spoken here by greater numbers, but with a far higher popular average of correct- ness, than in Britain. The great writers of it, too, we might claim as ours, were owner- ship to be settled by the number of readers and lovers. As regards the provincialisms to be met with in this volume, I may say that the reader will not find one which is not (as I believe) either native or imported with the early settlers, nor one which I have not, with my own ears, heard in familiar use. In the metrical portion of the book, I have endeav- ored to adapt the spelling as nearly as pos- sible to the ordinary mode of pronunciation. 2 8 INTROD UCTION. Let the reader wlio deems me over particular remember this caution of Martial : — " Quern recitas, mens est, Fidentine, libellus ; Sed male cum recitas, incipit esse tuus." A few further explanatory remarks will not be impertinent. I shall barely lay down a few general rules for the reader's guidance. 1. The genuine Yankee never gives the rough sound to the r when he can help it, and often displays considerable ingenuity in avoiding it even before a vowel. 2. He seldom sounds the final g^ a piece of self-denial, if we consider his partiality for nasals. The same of the final d, as han^ and Stan' for ha?id and stand, 3. The h in such words as while, when, where, he omits altogether. 4. In regard to a, he shows some inconsis- tency, sometimes giving a close and obscure sound, as hev for have, hendy for handy, ez for as, thet for that, and again giving it the broad sound it has iia. father, as hdnsome for handsome, 5. To the sound on he prefixes an e (hard to exemplify otherwise than orally). The following passage in Shakspeare he would recite thus : - — INT ROD UC TION. 29 " Neow is the winta uv eour discontent Med glorious summa by this sun o' Yock, An' all the cleouds thet leowered upun eour heouse In the deep buzzum o' the oshin buried ; Neow air eour breows beound 'ith victorious wreaths ; Eour breused arms hung up fer monimunce ; Eour starn alarums changed to merry meetins, Eour dreffle marches to delightful measures. Grim-visaged war heth smeuthed his wrinkled front, An' neow, instid o' mountin' barebid steeds To fright the souls o' ferfle edverseries. He capers nimly in a lady's chamber, To the lascivious pleasin' uv a loot." 6. Au^ va such words as daughter and slaughter he pronounces ah. 7. To the dish thus seasoned add a drawl ad libitum. [Mr. Wilbur's notes here become entirely frag- mentary. — C. N,] a. Unable to procure a likeness of Mr. Biglow, I thought the curious reader might be gratified with a sight of the editorial effi- gies. And here a choice between two was offered, — the one a profile (entirely black) cut by Doyle, the other a portrait painted by a native artist of much promise. The first of these seemed wanting in expression, and in the second a slight obliquity of the visual organs has been heightened (perhaps 30 INTRODUCTION. from an over-desire of force on tlie part of the artist) into too close an approach to ac- tual strabismus. This slight divergence in my optical apparatus from the ordinary- model — however I may have been taught to regard it in the light of a mercy rather than a cross, since it enabled me to give as much of directness and personal application to my discourses as met the wants of my congrega- tion, without risk of offending any by being supposed to have him or her in my eye (as the saying is) — seeemed yet to Mrs. Wil- bur a sufficient objection to the engraving of the aforesaid painting. We read of many who either absolutely refused to allow the copying of their features, as especially did Plotinus and Agesilaus among the ancients, not to mention the more modern instances of Scioppius Palaeottus, Pinellus, Yelserus, Gataker, and others, or were indifferent thereto, as Cromwell. p. Yet was Caesar desirous of concealing his baldness. Per contra^ my Lord Protec- tor's carefulness in the matter of his wart might be cited. Men generally more de- sirous of being improved in their portraits than characters. Shall probably find very INTRODUCTION. 31 unflattered likenesses of ourselves in Record- ing Angel's gallery. y. Whether any of our national peculiari- ties may be traced to our use of stoves, as a certain closeness of the lips in pronunciation, and a smothered smoulderingness of dispo- sition, seldom roused to open flame? An unrestrained intercourse with fire probably conducive to generosity and hospitality of soul. Ancient Mexicans used stoves, as the friar Augustin Ruiz reports, Hakluyt, III. 468, — but Popish priests not always reli- able authority. To-day picked my Isabella grapes. Crop injured by attacks of rose-bug in the spring. Whether Noah was justifiable in preserving this class of insects ? 8. Concerning Mr. Biglow's pedigree. Tolerably certain that there was never a poet among his ancestors. An ordination hymn attributed to a maternal uncle, but perhaps a sort of production not demanding the creative faculty. His grandfather a painter of the grandiose or Michael Angelo school. Seldom painted objects smaller than houses or barns, and these with uncommon expression. 8 2 INTR OD UCTl ON. €. 0£ the Wilburs no complete pedigree. The crest said to be a wild hoar^ whence, perhaps, the name. (?) A connection with the Earls of Wilbraham Qquasi wild boar ham) might be made out. This suggestion worth following up. In 1677, John W. m. Expect , had issue, 1. John, 2. Hag- gai, 3. Expect, 4. Euhamah, 5. Desire. " Hear lyes y* bodye of Mrs Expect Wilber, Y* ere well salvages they kil'd her, Together w*^ other Christian soles eleaven, October y® ix daye, 1707. Y* stream of Jordan sh' as crost ore And now expeacts me on y* other shore : I live in hope her soon to join ; Her earthlye yeeres were forty and nine." From Gravestone in Pekussett, North Parish. This is unquestionably the same John who afterward (1711) married Tabitha Hagg or Eagg. But if this were the case, she seems to have died early ; for only three years after, namely, 1714, we have evidence that he married Winifred, daughter of Lieutenant Tipping. • He seems to have been a man of sub- stance, for we find him in 1696 conveying " one undivided eightieth part of a salt- INTRODUCTION. 33 meadow " in Yabbok, and he commanded a sloop in 1702. Those who doubt the importance of gen- ealogical studies fuste potius quam argu- mento erudiendi. I trace him as far as 1723, and there lose him. In that year he was chosen selectman. No gravestone. Perhaps overthrown when new hearse-house was built, 1802. He was probably the son of John, who came from Bilham Comit. Salop, circa 1642. This first John was a man of considerable importance, being twice mentioned with the honorable prefix of Mr. in the town records. Name spelt with two Z-s. " Hear lyeth y® bod \_stone unhappily broken.'] Mr. Ihon Willber [Esq.] [/ inclose this in brack- ets as doubtful. To me it seems clear.] Ob't die [illegible; looks like xviii.'] . . . iii [prob. 1693.] paynt deseased seinte : A friend and [fath]er untoe all y® opreast, Hee gave y** wicked familists uoe reast, When Sat[an bl]ewe his Antinomian blaste, Wee clong to [Willber as a steadf]ast maste. [A]gaynst y® horrid Qua[kers] . . . It is greatly to be lamented that this curi- ous epitaph is mutilated. It is said that the 84 INTR OB UCTION. sacrilegious British soldiers made a target of this stone during the war of Independ- ence. How odious an animosity which pauses not at the grave ! How brutal that which spares not the monuments of authentic history! This is not improbably from the pen of Rev. Moody Pyram, who is men- tioned by Hubbard as having been noted for a silver vein of poetry. If his papers be still extant, a copy might possibly be recovered. NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS. [I HAVE observed, reader, (bene- or male-volent, as it may happen,) that it is customary to append to the second editions of books, and to the second works of authors, short sentences commendatory of the first, under the title of Notices of the Press. These, I have been given to understand, are procurable at certain established rates, payment being made either in money or advertising patronage by the publisher, or by an adequate outlay of servility on the part of the author. Considering these things with myself, and also that such notices are neither intended, nor gen- erally believed, to convey any real opinions, being a purely ceremonial accompaniment of literature, and resembling certificates to the various morbiferal pan- aceas, I conceived that it would be not only more economical to prepare a sufficient number of such myself, but also more immediately subservient to the end in view to prefix them to this our primary edition rather than await the contingency of a second, when they would seem to be of small utility. To delay attaching the bohs until the second attempt at flying the kite would indicate but a slender experience in that useful art. Neither has it escaped my notice, nor failed to afford me matter of reflection, tliat, when a circus or a caravan is about to visit Jaalam, the initial step is to send forward large and highly 36 NOTICES OF AN ornamented bills of performance to be hung in the bar-room and the post-office. These having been suffi- ciently gazed at, and beginning to lose their attrac- tiveness except for the flies, and, truly, the boys also, (m whom I find it impossible to repress, even during school-hours, certain oral and telegraphic correspond- ences concerning the expected show,) upon some fine morning the band enters in a gayly-painted wagon, or triumphal chariot, and with noisy advertisement, by means of brass, wood, and sheepskin, makes the circuit of our startled village streets. Then, as the exciting sounds draw nearer and nearer, do I desid- erate those eyes of Aristarchus, " whose looks were as a breeching to a boy." Then do I perceive, with vain regret of wasted opportunities, the advantage of a pancratic or pantechnic education, since he is most reverenced by my little subjects who can throw the cleanest summerset or walk most securely upon the revolving cask. The story of the Pied Piper be- comes for the first time credible to me, (albeit con- firmed by the Hameliners dating their legal instru- ments from the period of his exit,) as I behold how those strains, without pretence of magical potency, bewitch the pupillary legs, nor leave to the pedagogic an entire self-control. For these reasons, lest my kingly prerogative should suffer diminution, I pro- rogue my restless commons, whom I also follow into the street, chiefly lest some mischief may chance be- fall them. After the manner of such a band, I send forward the following notices of domestic manufac- ture, to make brazen proclamation, not unconscious of the advantage wliich will accrue, if our little craft cymbula sutilis, shall seem to leave port with a clip- INDEPENDENT PRESS. 37 ping breeze, and to carry, in nautical phrase, a bone in her mouth. Nevertheless, I have chosen, as being more equitable, to prepare some also sufficiently ob- jurgatory, that readers of every taste may find a dish to their palate. I have modelled them upon actually existing specimens, preserved in my own cabinet of natural curiosities. One, in particular, I had copied with tolerable exactness from a notice of one of my own discourses, which, from its superior tone and ap- pearance of vast experience, I concluded to have been written by a man at least three hundred years of age, though I recollected no existing instance of such antediluvian longevity. Nevertheless, I afterwards discovered the author to be a young gentleman pre- paring for the ministry under the direction of one of my brethren in a neighboring town, and whom I had once instinctively corrected in a Latin quantity. But this I have been forced to omit, from its too great length. — H.W.] From the Universal Littery Universe. Full of passages which rivet the attention of the reader. . . . Under a rustic garb, sentiments are conveyed which should be committed to the memory and engraven on the heart of every moral and social being. . . . We consider this a unique performance. . . . We hope to see it soon introduced into our common schools. . . . Mr. Wilbur has performed his duties as editor with excellent taste and judgment. . . . This is a vein which we hope to see successfully prosecuted. . . . We hail the appearance of this work as a long stride toward the formation of a purely aboriginal, indigenous, native, and American literature. We rejoice to meet with an author na- tional enough to break away from the slavish deference, too common among us, to English grammar and orthography. 38 NOTICES OF AN . . . Where all is so good, we are at a loss how to make ex- tracts. . . . On the whole, we may call it a volume which no library, pretending to entire completeness, should fail to place upon its shelves. From the Higginhottomopolis Snapping-Turtle. A collection of the merest balderdash and doggerel that it was ever our bad fortune to lay eyes on. The author is a vulgar buffoon, and the editor a talkative, tedious old fool. We use strong language, but should any of our readers pe- ruse the book, (from which calamity Heaven preserve them!) they will find reasons for it thick as the leaves of Vallum- brozer, or, to use a still more expressive comparison, as the combined heads of author and editor. The work is wretch- edly got up. . . . We should like to know how much British gold was pocketed by this libeller of our country and her purest patriots. From the Oldfogrumville Mentor. We have not had time to do more than glance through this handsomely printed volume, but the name of its respectable editor, the Rev. Mr. Wilbur, of Jaalam, will afford a sufficient guaranty for the worth of its contents. . . . The paper is white, the type clear, and the volume of a convenient and at- tractive size. ... In reading this elegantly executed work, it has seemed to us that a passage or two might have been retrenched with advantage, and that the general stjde of dic- tion was susceptible of a higher polish. . . . On the whole, we may safely leave the ungrateful task of criticism to the reader. We will barely suggest, that in volumes intended, as this is, for the illustration of a provincial dialect and turns of expression, a dash of humor or satire might be thrown in with advantage. . . . The work is admirably got up. . . . This work will form an appropriate ornament to the centre- table. It is beautifully printed, on paper of an excellent quality. INDEPENDENT PRESS. 39 From the Dekay Bulwark. "We should be wanting in our duty as the conductor of that tremendous engine, a public press, as an American, and as a man, did we allow such an opportunity as is presented to us by "The Biglow Papers" to pass by without entering our earnest protest against such attempts (now, alas ! too common) at demoralizing the public sentiment. Under a wretched mask of stupid drollery, slavery, war, the social glass, and, in short, all the valuable and time-honored institutions justly dear to our common humanity, and especially to republicans, are made the butt of coarse and senseless ribaldry by this low- minded scribbler. It is time that the respectable and religious portion of our community should be aroused to the alarming inroads of foreign Jacobinism, sansculottism, and infidelity. It is a fearful proof of the wide-spread nature of this con- tagion, that these secret stabs at religion and virtue are given from under the cloak {credite, posteri !) of a clergyman. It is a mournful spectacle indeed to the patriot and Christian to see liberality and new ideas (falsely so called, — they are as old as Eden) invading the sacred precincts of the pulpit. . . . On the whole, we consider this volume as one of the first shocking results which we predicted would spring out of the late French " Revolution " ( ! ) From the Bungtown Copper and Comprehensive Tocsin (a try weakly family journal). Altogether an admirable work. . . . Full of humor, boister- ous, but delicate, — of wit withering and scorching, yet com- bined with a pathos cool as morning dew, — of satire pon- derous as the mace of Richard, yet keen as the scymitar of Saladin. . . . A work full of "mountain-mirth," mischievous as Puck and lightsome as Ariel. . . . We know not whether to admire most the genial, fresh, and discursive concinnity of the author, or his playful fancy, weird imagination, and com- pass of style, at once both objective and subjective. . . . We might indulge in some criticisms, but, were the author other than he is, he would be a different being. As it is, he has a 40 NOTICES OF AN wonderful pose, which flits from flower to flower, and bears the reader irresistibly along on its eagle pinions (like Gany- mede) to the "highest heaven of invention." . . . We love a book so purely objective. . . . Many of his pictures of natural scenery have an extraordinary subjective clearness and fidel- ity. ... In fine, we consider this as one of the most extraor- dinary volumes of this or any age. We know of no English author who could have written it. It is a work to which the proud genius of our country, standing with one foot on the Aroostook and the other on the Eio Grande, and holding up the star-spangled banner amid the wreck of matter and the crush of worlds, may point with bewildering scorn of the punier efforts of enslaved Europe. . . . We hope soon to en- counter our author among those higher walks of literature in which he is evidently capable of achieving enduring fame. Already we should be inclined to assign him a high position in the bright galaxy of our American bards. From the Saltriver Pilot and Flag of Freedom. A volume in bad grammar and worse taste. . . . While the pieces here collected were confined to their appropriate sphere in the corners of obscure newspapers, we considered them wholly beneath contempt, but, as the author has chosen to come forward in this public manner, he must expect the lash he so richly merits. . . . Contemptible slanders. . . . Vilest Billingsgate. . . . Has raked all the gutters of our language. . . . The most pure, upright, and consistent politicians not safe from his malignant venom. . . . General Gushing comes in for a share of his vile calumnies. . . . The Reverend Ho- mer Wilbur is a disgi-ace to his cloth. . . . From the World-Earmonic-jEolian-Attachment. Speech is silver : silence is golden. No utterance more Orphic than this. While, therefore, as highest author, we reverence him whose works continue heroically unwritten, we have also our hopeful word for those who with pen (from wing of goose loud-cackling, or seraph God-commissioned) record the thing INDEPENDENT PRESS. 41 that is revealed. . . . Under mask of quaintest irony, we de- tect here the deep, storm-tost (nigh shipwracked) soul, thun- der-scarred, semarticulate, but ever climbing hopefully toward the peaceful summits of an Infinite Sorrow. . . . Yes, thou poor, forlorn Hosea, with Hebrew (ire-flaming soul in thee, for thee also this life of ours has not been without its aspects of heavenliest pity and laughingest mirth. Conceivable enough ! Through coarse Thersites-cloak, we have revelation of the heart, wild-glowing, world-clasping, that is in him. Bravely he grapples with the life-problem as it presents itself to him, uncombed, shaggy, careless of the "nicer proprieties," inex- pert of "elegant diction," yet with voice audible enough to whoso hath ears, up there on the gravelly side-hills, or down on the splashy, Indiarubber-like salt-marshes of native Jaalam. To this soul also the Necessity of Creating somewhat has un- veiled its awful front. If not (Edipuses and Electras and Alcestises, then in God's name Birdofredum Sawins ! These also shall get born into the world, and filch (if so need) a Zin- gali subsistence therein, these lank, omnivorous Yankees of his. He shall paint the Seen, since the Unseen will not sit to him. Yet in him also are Nibelungen-lays, and Iliads, and Ulysses-wanderings, and Divine Comedies, — if only once he could come at them! Therein lies much, nay all; for what truly is this which we name All, but that which we do not possess ? . . . Glimpses also are given us of an old father Ezekiel, not without paternal pride, as is the wont of such. A brown, parchment-hided old man of the geoponic or bucolic species, gray-eyed, we fancy, queued perhaps, with much weather-cunning and plentiful September-gale memories, bidding fair in good time to become the Oldest Inhabitant. After such hasty apparition, he vanishes and is seen no more. ... Of "Rev. Homer Wilbur, A. M., Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam," we have small care to speak here. Spare touch in him of his Melesigenes namesake, save, haply, the — blindness ! A tolerably caliginose, nephelegeretous elderly gentleman, with infinite faculty of sermonizing, muscularized by long practice, and excellent digestive apparatus, and, for the rest, well-meaning enough, and with small private il- luminations (somewhat tallowy, it is to be feared) of his own. 42 NOTICES OF AN To him, there, "Pastor of the First Church in Jaalam," our Hosea presents himself as a quite inexplicable Sphinx-riddle. A rich poverty of Latin and Greek, — so far is clear enough, even to eyes peering myopic through horn-lensed editorial spectacles, — but naught farther ? O purblind, well-meaning, altogether fuscous Melesigenes- Wilbur, there are things in him incommunicable by stroke of birch ! Did it ever enter that old bewildered head of thine that there was the Possibil- ity of the Infinite in him? To thee, quite wingless (and even featherless) biped, has not so much even as a dream of wings ever come? "Talented young parishioner" ? Among the Arts whereof thou art Magister, does that of seeing happen to be one ? Unhappy Artium Magister ! Somehow a Ne- mean lion, fulvous, torrid-ej-ed, dry-nursed in broad-howling sand-wildernesses of a sufficiently rare spirit-Libya (it may be supposed) has got whelped among the sheep. Already he stands wild-glaring, with feet clutching the ground as with oak-roots, gathering for a Remus-spring over the walls of thy little fold. In Heaven's name, go not near him with that fly- bite crook of thine 1 In good time, thou painful preacher, thou wilt go to the appointed place of departed Artillery-Elec- tion Sermons, Right-Hands of Fellowship, and Results of Councils, gathered to thy spiritual fathers with much Latin of the Epitaphial sort ; thou, too, shalt have th}-- reward ; but on him the Eumenides have looked, not Xantippes of the pit, snake-tressed, tinger-threatening, but radiantly calm as on antique gems; for him paws impatient the winged courser of the gods, champing unwelcome bit; him the starry deeps, the emp3^rean glooms, and far-flashing splendors await. From the Onion Grove Phcenix. A talented young townsman of ours, recently returned from a Continental tour, and who is already favorably known to our readers by his sprightly letters from abroad which have graced our columns, called at our office yesterday. We learn from him, that, having enjoyed the distinguished privilege, while in Germany, of an introduction to the celebrated Von Humbug, he took the opportunity to present that eminent man with a copy of the " Biglow Papers.'* The next morn- INDEPENDENT PRESS. 43 ing he received the following note, which he has kindly fur- nished us for publication. We prefer to print verbatim, know- ing that our readers will readily forgive the few errors into which the illustrious writer has fallen, through ignorance of our language. "High-Worthy Mister! "I shall also now especially happy starve, because I have more or less a work of one those aboriginal Red Men seen in which have I so deaf an interest ever taken full-worthy on the self shelf with our Gottsched to be upset. "Pardon my in the English-speech unpractice! "Von Humbug." He also sent with the above note a copy of his famous work on "Cosmetics," to be presented to Mr. Biglow ; but this was taken from our friend by the English custom-house officers, probably through a petty national spite. No doubt, it has by this time found its way into the British Museum. We "trust this outrage will be exposed in all our American papers. We shall do our best to bring it to the notice of the State De- partment. Our numerous readers will share in the pleasure we experience at seeing our young and vigorous national literature thus encouragingly patted on the head by this ven- erable and world-renowned German. We love to see these reciprocations of good-feeling between the different branches of the great Anglo-Saxon race. [The following genuine " notice " having met my eye, I gladly insert a portion of it here, the more es- pecially as it contains a portion of one of Mr. Big- low's poems not elsewhere printed. — H. W.] From the Jaalam Independent Blunderbuss. . . . But, while we lament to see our young townsman thus mingling in the heated contests of party politics, we think we detect in him the presence of talents which, if properly di- rected, might give an innocent pleasure to many. As a proof that he is competent to the production of other kinda of poe- 44 NOTICES OF AN INDEPENDENT PRESS. try, -we copy for our readers a short fragment of a pastoral by him, the manuscript of which was loaned us by a friend. The title of it is " The Courtin'. " Zekle crep' up, quite unbeknown, An' peeked in thru the winder, An' there sot Huldy all alone, 'ith no one nigh to hender. Agin' the chimbly crooknecks hung, An' in amongst 'em rusted The ole queen's arm thet gran'ther Young Fetched back from Concord busted. The wannut logs shot sparkles out Towards the pootiest, bless her ! An' leetle fires danced all about The chiny on the dresser. The very room, coz she wuz in. Looked warm from floor to ceilin', An' she looked full ez rosy agin Ez th' apples she wuz peelin'. She heerd a foot an' knowed it, tu, Araspin' on the scraper, — All ways to once her feelins flew Like sparks in burnt-up paper. He kin' o' I'itered on the mat, Some doubtfle o' the seekle ; His heart kep' goin' pitypat, But hern went pit}'- Zekle. Satis multis sese emptores futures libri professis, Georgius Nichols, Cantabrigiensis, opus emittet de parte gravi sed adhuc neg- lecta historiae naturalis, cum titulo sequent!, videlicet : Conatus ad Delineationem naturalem non- nihil perfectlorem Scarahcel Bomhilatoris^ vulgo dicti Humbug, ab Homero Wilbur, Artium Magistro, Societatis liistorico-natura- lis Jaalamensis Prseside (Secretario, Socio- que (eheu !) singulo,) multarumque aliarum Societatum eruditarum (sive ineruditarum) t^m domesticarum quam transmarinarum So- cio — f orsitan f uturo. PROEMIUM. Lectori Benevolo S. Toga scbolastica nondum deposita, quum systemata varia entomologica, a viris ejus scientiae cultoribus studiosissimis summa dili- gentia sedificata, penitus indagassem, non fuit quin luctuose omnibus in iis, quamvis aliter laude dignissimis, hiatum magni mo- 46 PROEMIUM. menti pereiperem. Tunc, nescio quo motu super lore impulsus, aut qua captus duicedine operis, ad eum implendum (Curtius alter) me solemniter devovi. Nee ab isto labore, SaLfxovLoj? imposito, abstinui antequam tracta- tulum sufficienter inconcinnum lingua verna- cula perfeceram. Inde, juveniliter tume- f actus, et barathro ineptise rwv /Si/SXtoTrwXihv (necnon " Public! Legentis ") nusquam ex- plorato, me composuisse quod quasi placen- tas prsefervidas (ut sic dicam) homines in- gurgitarent credidi. Sed, quum huic et alii bibliopolse MSS. mea submisissem et nihil solidius responsione valde negativa in Mu- sseum meum retulissem, horror ingens atque misericordia, ob crassitudinem Lambertia- nam in cerebris homunculorum istius muneris coelesti quadam ira infixam, me invasere. Extemplo mei solius impensis librum edere decrevi, nihil omnino dubitans quin " Mun- dus Scientificus " (ut aiunt) crumenam meam ampliter repleret. NuUam, attamen, ex agro illo meo parvulo segetem demessui, prseter gaudium vacuum bene de Republica merendi. Iste panis mens pretiosus super aquas lite- rarias fseculentas prsefidenter j actus, quasi Harpyiarum quarundam (scilicet bibliopola- rum istorum facinorosorum supradictorum) PROEM I UM. 4 A tactu rancidus, intra perpaucos dies mihi do. mum rediit. Et, quum ipse tali victu al, noil tolerarem, primum in mentem venit pis- tori (typographo nempe) nihilominus solven- dum esse. Animum non idcirco demisi, imo seque ac pueri naviculas suas penes se lino retinent (eo ut e recto cursu delapsas ad ripam retrahant), sic ego Arg3 meam char- taceam fluctibus laborantem a quaesitu vel- leris aurei, ipse potius tonsus pelleque exu- tus, mente solida revocavi. Metaphoram ut mutem, boomarangam meam a scopo aber- rantem retraxi, dum majore vi, occasione ministrante, ad versus Fortunam intorque- rem. Ast mihi, talia volventi, et, sicut Sa- turnus ille 7rat8o/5opos, liberos intellectus mei depascere fidenti, casus miserandus, nee an- tea inauditus, super venit. Nam, ut ferunt Scythas pietatis causa et parsimonise, pa- rentes suos mortuos devorasse, sic iilius hie mens primogenitus, Scythis ipsis minus man- suetus, patrem vivum totum et calcitrantem exsorbere enixus est. Nee tamen hac de causa sobolem meam esurientem exheredavi. Sed famem istam pro valido testimonio viri- litatis roborisque potius habui, cibumque ad eam satiandam salva paterna mea carne, petii. Et quia bilem illam scaturientem ad 48 PROEMIUM. laes etiam concoquendum idoneam esse esti- anabam, unde ses alienum, ut minoris pretii, 'haberem, circumspexi. Rebus ita se baben- tibus, ab avunculo meo Johanne Doolittle, Armigero, impetravi ut pecunias necessarias suppeditaret, ne opus esset mihi universita- tem relinquendi antequam ad gradum pri- mum in artibus pervenissem. Tunc ego, sal- vum facere patronum meum munificum maxime cupiens, omnes libros primse edi- tionis operis mei non venditos una cum pri- vilegio in omne sevum ejusdem imprimendi et edendi avunculo meo dicto pigneravi. Ex illo die, atro lapide notando, curse vocifer- antes familise singulis annis crescentis eo us- que insultabant ut nunquam tam carum pig- nus e vinculis istis aheneis solvere possem. Avunculo vero nuper mortuo, quum inter alios consanguineos testamenti ejus lectio- nem audiendi causa advenissem, erectis auri- bus verba talia sequentia accepi : " Quoniam persuasum habeo meum dilectum nepotem Homerum, longa et intima rerum angusta- rum domi experientia, aptissimum esse qui divitias tueatur, beneficenterque ac prudenter lis divinis creditis utatur, — ergo, motus bisce cogitationibus, exque amore meo in ilium magno, do, legoque nepoti caro meo supra- PROEMIUM. 49 nominato omnes singiilaresqiie istas posses- siones nee ponclerabiles nee eomputabiles meas quae sequuntur, seilieet : quingentos libros quos milii pigneravit dietus Homerus, anno lucis 1792, eum privilegio edendi et re- petendi opus istud ' scientifieum ' (quod di- cunt) suum, si sic elegerit. Tamen D. O. M. preeor oeulos Homeri nepotis mei ita aperiat eumque moveat, ut libros istos in bibliotlieca unius e plurimis eastellis suis Hispaniensibus tuto abscondat.'* His verbis (vix credibilibus) auditis, cor meum in pectore exsultavit. Deinde, quo- niam tractatus Anglice scriptus spem auc- toris fefellerat, quippe quum studium His- toriae Naturalis in Republica nostra inter factionis strepitum languescat, Latine ver- sum edere statui, et eo potius quia nescio quomodo disciplina acadeniica et duo diplo- mata proficiant, nisi quod peritos linguaruni omnino mortuarum (et damnandarum, ut dicebat iste iravovpyo^ Gulielmus Cobbett) nos faciant. Et mihi adhuc superstes est tota ilia editio prima, quam quasi crepitaculum per quod dentes caninos dentibam retineo. OPERIS SPECIMEN. (^Ad exemplum Johannis Physiophili speciminis Mona- chologice.) 12. S. B. Militaris, Wilbur. Carnifex, Jablonsk. Pro/anus, Desfont. [Male hancce speciem Cyclop em Fabricius vocat, ut qui singulo oculo ad quod sui inter- est distinguitur. Melius vero Isaacus Outis nullum inter S. milit. S. que Belzebul (Fa- bric. 152) discrimen esse defendit.] Habitat civitat. Americ. austral. Aureis lineis splendidus ; plerumque tamen sordidus, utpote lanienas valde frequentans, fcetore sanguinis allectus. Amat quoque in- super septa apricari, neque inde, nisi maxima conatione, detruditur. Candidatus ergo po- pulariter vocatus. Caput cristam quasi pen- narum ostendit. Pro cibo vaccam publicam callide mulget ; abdomen enorme ; facultas suctus baud facile estimanda. Otiosus, fatu- us ; ferox nibilominus, semperque dimicare paratus. Tortuose repit. Capite ssepe maxima cum cura dissecto, ne illud rudimentum etiam cerebri commune omnibus prope insectis detegere poteram. Unam de hoc S. milit. rem singularem no- OPERIS SPECIMEN. 51 tavi ; nam S. Guineens. (Fabric. 143) servos facit, et idcirco a multis summa in reveren- tia habitus, quasi scintillas rationis paene hu- manse demonstrans. 24. S. B. Criticus, Wilbur. Zoilus, Fabric. Pyg- mceus, Carlsen. [Stultissime Johannes Stryx cum S. punc- tato (Fabric. 64-109) confundit. Specimina quamplurima scrutationi microscopicse sub- jeci, nunquam tamen unum ulla indicia puncti cujusvis prorsus ostendentem inveni.] Praecipue formidolosus, insectatusque, in proxima rima anonyma sese abscondit, ive^ we^ creberrime stridens. Ineptus, segnipes. Habitat ubique gentium ; in sicco ; nidum suum terebratione indefessa sedificans. Gi- bus. Libros depascit ; sicoss praecipue seli- gens, et forte succidum. THE BIGLOW PAPEES. No. I. A LETTER FROM MR. EZEKIEL BIGLOW OF JAALAM TO THE HON. JOSEPH T. BUCKINGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, INCLOSING A POEM OF HIS SON, MR. HOSEA BIGLOW. Jaylem, June, 1846. Mister Edbyter : — Our Hosea wuz down to Boston last week, and he see a crue- tin Sarjunt a struttin round as popler as a hen with 1 chicking, with 2 fellers a drum- min and fifin arter him like all nater. the sarjunt he thout Hosea hed n't gut his i teeth cut cos he looked a kindo 's though he 'd jest com down, so he cal'lated to hook him in, but Hosy wood n't take none o' his sarse for all he hed much as 20 Rooster's tales stuck onto his hat and eenamost enuf brass a bobbin up and down on his shoulders and figureed onto his coat and trousis, let alone wut nater hed sot in his featers, to make a 6 pounder out on. TUE BIGLOW PAPERS. 53 wal, Hosea he com home consklerabal riled, and arter I 'd gone to bed I heern Him a thrashin round like a short-tailed Bull in fli-time. The old Woman ses she to me ses she, Zekle, ses she, our Hosee's gut the chol- lery or suthin anuther ses she, don't you Bee sheered, ses I, he 's oney amakin pottery ^ ses i, he 's oilers on hand at that ere busynes like Da & martin, and shure enuf, cum morn- in, Hosy he cum down stares full chizzle, hare on eend and cote tales flyin, and sot rite of to go reed his varses to Parson Wilbur bein he haint aney grate shows o' book larnin him- self, bmieby he cum back and,sed the par- son wuz dreffle tickled with 'em as i hoop you will Be, and said they wuz True grit. Hosea ses taint hardly fair to call 'em hisn now, cos the parson kind o' slicked off sum o' the last varses, but he told Hosee he did n't want to put his ore in to tetch to the Kest on 'em, bein they wuz verry well As thay wuz, and then Hosy ses he sed suthin a nuther about Simplex Mundishes or sum sech feller, but I guess Hosea kind o' did n't hear him, for I never hearn o' nobody o' that name in this villadge, and I 've lived here man and boy 76 year cum next tater 1 Aut insanity aut versos facit. — H. W. 64 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. diggin, and thair aint no wheres a kitting spryer 'n I be. If you print 'em I wish you 'd jest let folks know who hosy's father is, cos my ant Ke- ziah used to say it 's nater to be curus ses she, she aint livin though and he 's a likely kind o' lad. EZEKIEL BIGLOW. Thrash away, you '11 hev to rattle On them kittle drums o' yourn, — 'T aint a knowin' kind o' cattle Thet is ketched with mouldy corn ; Put in stiff, you fifer feller, Let folks see how spry you be, — Guess you 11 toot tiU you are yeUer 'Fore you git ahold o' me ! Thet air flag 's a leetle rotten, Hope it aint your Sunday's best ; — Fact ! it takes a sight o' cotton To stuff out a soger's chest : Sence we farmers hev to pay fer 't, Ef you must wear humps Hke these, Sposin' you should try salt hay fer 't, It would du ez slick ez grease. 'T would n't suit them Southun feUers, They 're a dreffle graspin' set, THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 55 We must oilers blow the bellers Wen they want their irons het ; May be it 's all right ez preachin', But my narves it kind o' grates, Wen I see the overreachin' O' them nigger-drivin' States. Them thet rule us, them slave-traders, Haint they cut a thunderin' swarth, (Helped by Yankee renegaders,) Thru the vartu o' the North ! We begin to think it 's nater To take sarse an' not be riled ; — Who 'd expect to see a tater All on eend at bein' biled ? Ez fer war, I call it murder, — There you hev it plain an* flat ; I don't want to go no furder Than my Testyment fer that ; God hez sed so plump an' fairly, It 's ez long ez it is broad, An' you 've gut to git up airly Ef you want to take in God. 'Taint your eppyletts an' feathers Make the thing a grain more right ; 'Taint afollerin' yoiu- bell-wethers Will excuse ye in His sight ; Ef you take a sword an' dror it, An' go stick a feller thru. 56 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Guv'ment aint to answer for it, God '11 send the bill to you. Wut 's the use o' meetin-goin' Every Sabbath, wet or dry, Ef it 's right to go amowin' Feller-men like oats an' rye ? I dunno but wut it 's pooty Trainin' round in bobtail coats, — But it 's curus Christian dooty This ere cuttin' folks's throats. They may talk o' Freedom's airy Tell they 're pupple in the face, — It 's a grand gret cemetary Fer the barthrights of our race ; They jest want this CaHforny So 's to lug new slave-states in To abuse ye, an' to scorn ye, And to plunder ye Hke sin. Aint it cute to see a Yankee Take sech everlastin' pains All to git the Devil's thankee, Helpin' on 'em weld their chains ? Wy, it 's jest ez clear ez figgers, Clear ez one an' one make two. Chaps thet make black slaves o' niggers Want to make wite slaves o' you. THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 67 Tell ye jest the eencl I 've come to Arter cipherin' plaguy smart, An' it makes a handy sum, tu, Any gump could larn by heart; Laborin' man an' laborin' woman Hev one glory an' one shame, Ev'y thin' thet 's done inhuman Injers all on 'em the same. *Taint by turnin' out to hack folks You 're agoin' to git your right, Nor by lookin' down on black folks Coz you 're put upon by wite ; Slavery aint o' nary color, 'Taint the hide thet makes it wus, All it keers fer in a feller 'S jest to make him fill its pus. Want to tackle vie in, du ye ? I expect you '11 hev to wait ; Wen cold led puts daylight thru ye You '11 begin to kal'late ; S'pose the crows wun't fall to pickin' All the carkiss from your bones, Coz you helped to give a lickin' To them poor half-Spanish drones ? Jest go home an' ask our Nancy Wether I 'd be secli a goose Ez to jine ye, — guess you 'd fancy The etarnal bung wuz loose ! 68 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. She wants me fer home consmnption, Let alone the hay 's to mow, — Ef you 're arter folks o' gumption, You 've a darned long row to hoe. Take them editors thet 's crowin' Like a cockerel three months old, — Don't ketch any on 'em goin', Though they he so blasted bold ; Aint they a prime set o' fellers ? 'Fore they think on 't they wiU sprout, (Like a peach that' s got the yellers,) With the meanness bustin' out. Wal, go 'long to help 'em stealin' Bigger pens to cram with slaves, Help the men that 's oilers dealin' Insults on your fathers' graves ; Help the strong to grind the feeble, Help the many agin the few, Help the men thet call your people Witewashed slaves an' peddlin' crew ! Massachusetts, God forgive her. She 's akneelin' with the rest. She, thet ough' to ha' clung fer ever In her grand old eagle-nest ; She thet ough' to stand so fearless Wile the wracks are round her hurled, Holdin' up a beacon peerless To the oppressed of all the world ! THE BIG LOW PAPETtS. 59 Haint they sold your colored seamen ? Haint they made your env'ys wiz ? Wut '11 make ye act like freemen? Wut '11 git your dander riz ? Come, I '11 tell ye wut I 'm thinkin* Is our dooty in this fix, They 'd ha' done 't ez quick ez winkin' In the days o' seventy-six. Clang the bells in every steeple, Call all true men to disown The tradoocers of our people. The enslavers o' their own ; Let our dear old Bay State proudly Put the trumpet to her mouth, Let her ring this messidge loudly In the ears of all the South : — " I '11 return ye good f er evil Much ez we frail mortils can, But I wun't go help the Devil Makin' man the cus o' man ; Call me coward, call me traiter, Jest ez suits your mean idees, — Here I stand a tyrant-hater, An' the friend o' God an' Peace ! " Ef I 'd my way I hed ruther We should go to work an' part, — They take one way, we take t'other, — Guess it would n't break my heart ; 60 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Man hed oiigh' to put asunder Them thet God has noways jined, An' I should n't gretly wonder Ef there 's thousands o' my mind. [The first recruiting sergeant on record I conceive to have heen that individual who is mentioned in the Book of Joh as going to and fro in the earth, and walk- ing up and doion in it. Bishop Latimer will have him to have heen a hishop, but to me that other call- ing would appear more congenial. The sect of Cain- ites is not yet extiuct, who esteemed the first-horn of Adam to be the most worthy, not only because of that privilege of primogeniture, but inasmuch as he was able to overcome and slay his younger brother. That was a wise saying of the famous Marquis Pescara to the Papal Legate, that it was impossible for men to serve Mars and Christ at the same time. Yet in time past the profession of arms was judged to be KOT* i^oxhv that of a gentleman, nor does this opinion want for strenuous upholders even in our day. Must we suppose, then, that the profession of Christianity was only intended for losels, or, at best, to afford an opening for plebeian ambition ? Or shall we hold with that nicely metaphysical Pomera- nian, Captain Vratz, who was Count Konigsmark's chief instrument in the murder of Mr. Thymic, that the Scheme of Salvation has been arranged with an especial eye to the necessities of the upper classes, and that " God would consider a gentleman and deal with him suitably to the condition and profession he had placed him in " ? It may be said of us all, Ex- emplo plus quam ratione vivimus. — H. W.] NO. II. A LETTER FROM MR. HOSEA BIGLOW TO THE HOX. J. T. BUCK- INGHAM, EDITOR OF THE BOSTON COURIER, COV- ERING A LETTER FROM MR. B. SAWIN, PRIVATE IN THE MASSACHUSETTS REGIMENT. [This letter of Mr. Sawin's was not originally ■written in verse. Mr. Biglow, thinking it peculiarly- susceptible of metrical adornment, translated it, so to speak, into liis own vernacular tongue. This is not the time to consider the question, whether rhyme be a mode of expression natural to the human race. If leisure from other and more important avocations be granted, I will handle the matter more at large in an appendix to the present volume. In this place I will barely remark, that I have sometimes noticed in the unlanguaged prattlings of infants a fondness for alliteration, assonance, and even rhjTiie, in which natural predisposition we may trace the three de- grees through which our Anglo-Saxon verse rose to its culmination in the poetry of Pope. I would not be understood as questioning in these remarks that pious theory wliich supposes that children, if left entirely to themselves, would naturally discourse in Hebrew. For this the authority of one experi- ment is claimed, and I could, with Sir Thomas 62 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. Browne, desire its establishment, inasmuch as the acquirement of that sacred tongue would thereby be facilitated. I am aware that Herodotus states the conclusion of Psammeticus to have been in favor of a dialect of the Phrygian. But, beside the chance that a trial of this importance would hardly be blessed to a Pagan monarch whose only motive was curiosity, we have on the Hebrew side the compara- tively recent investigation of James the Fourth of Scotland. I will add to this prefatory remark, that Mr. Sawin, though a native of Jaalam, has never been a stated attendant on the religious exercises of my congregation. I consider my humble efforts prospered in that not one of my sheep hath ever in- dued the wolf's clothing of war, save for the com- paratively innocent diversion of a militia training. Not that my flock are backward to undergo the hard- ships of defensive warfare. They serve cheerfully in the great army which fights even unto death joro aris et focis, accoutred with the spade, the axe, the plane, the sledge, the spelling-book, and other such effectual weapons against want and ignorance and unthrift. I have taught them (under God) to esteem our hu- man institutions as but tents of a night, to be stricken whenever Truth puts the bugle to her lips and sounds a march to the heights of wider-viewed intelligence and more perfect organization. — H. W.] Mister Buckinum, the follerin Billet was writ hum by a Yung feller of our town that wuz cussed fool enuff to goe atrottin inter Miss Chiff arter a Drum and fife, it THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 63 ain't Nater for a feller to let on that he 's sick o' any bizness that He went intu off his own free will and a Cord, but I rather cal'- late he 's middlin tired o' voluntearin By this Time. I bleeve u may put dependunts on his statemence. For I never heered nothin bad on him let Alone his havin what Parson Wilbur cals a pongshong for cocktales, and he ses it wuz a soshiashun of idees sot him agoin arter the Crootin Sargient cos he wore a cocktale onto his hat. his Folks gin the letter to me and i shew it to parson Wilbur and he ses it oughter Bee printed, send It to mister Buckinum, ses he, i don't oilers agree with him, ses he, but by Time,^ ses he, I du like a feller that ain't a Feared. I have intusspussed a Few refleckshuns hear and thair. We 're kind o' prest with Hayin. Ewers respecfly HOSEA BIGLOW. 1 In relation to this expression, I cannot but think that Mr. Biglow has been too hasty in attributing it to me. Though Time be a comparatively innocent personage to swear by, and though Longinus in his discourse Ilepl ' Yi//ovs has commended timely oaths as not only a useful but sub- lime figure of speech, yet I have always kept my lips free from that abomination. Odi profanum vulgus, I hate your swearing and hectoring fellows. — H. W. 64 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. This kind o' sogerin' aint a mite like our Oc- tober trainin', A chap could clear right out from there ef 't only- looked like rainin'. An' th' Cunnles, tu, could kiver up their shap- poes with bandanners, An' send the insines skootin' to the bar-room with their banners, (Fear o' gittin' on 'em spotted,) an' a feller could cry quarter Ef he fired away his ramrod arter tu much rum an' water. Recollect wut fun we hed, you 'n I an' Ezry HoUis, Up there to Waltham plain last fall, ahavin' the CornwaUis ? ^ This sort o' thing aint jest like thet, — I wish thet I wuz furder, — ^ Nimepunce a day fer killin' folks comes kind o' low fer murder, (Wy I 've worked out to slarterin' some fer Deacon Cephas Billins, An' in the hardest times there wuz I oilers tetched ten shillins,) There 's sutthin' gits into my throat thet makes it hard to swaller, It comes so nateral to think about a hempen collar ; 1 i hait the Site of a feller with a muskit as I du pizn But their is fun to a cornwallis I aint agoin' to deny it. — H. B. 2 he means Not quite so fur i guess. — H. B. THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 65 It 's glory, — but, in spite o' all my tryin' to git callous, I feel a kind o' in a cart, aridin' to the gallus. But wen it comes to bein' killed, — I tell ye I . felt streaked The fust time ever I found out wy baggonets wuz peaked ; Here 's how it wuz : I started out to go to a fan- dango, The sentinul he ups an' sez, " That 's furder 'an you can go." " None o' your sarse," sez I ; sez he *' Stan' back ! " " Aint you a buster ? " Sez I, " I 'm up to all thet air, I guess I 've ben to muster ; I know wy sentinuls air sot ; you aint agoin' to eat us ; Caleb haint no monopoly to court the seenoreetas ; My folks to hum air full ez good ez hisn be, by golly ! " An' so ez I wuz goin' by, not thinkin' wut would folly, The everlastin' cus he stuck his one - pronged pitchfork in me An' made a hole right thru my close ez ef I wuz an in'my. Wal, it beats all how big I felt hoorawin' in ole Funnel Wen Mister Bolles he gin the sword to our Leftenant Cunnle, 66 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. (It's Mister Secondary BoUes,^ thet writ the prize peace essay ; Thet 's wy he did n't list himself along o' us, I dessay,) An' Rantoul, tu, talked pooty loud, but don't put his foot in it, Coz human life's so sacred thet he 's principled agin' it, — Though I myself can't rightly see it 's any wus achokin' on 'em Than puttin' bullets thru their lights, or with a bagnet pokin' on 'em ; How dre£9.e sHck he reeled it off, (like Blitz at our lyceum Ahaulin' ribbins from his chops so quick you skeercely see 'em,) About the Anglo-Saxon race (an' saxons would be handy To du the buryin' down here upon the Rio Grandy), About our patriotic pas an' our star-spangled banner. Our country's bird alookin' on an' singin' out ho- sanner, An' how he (Mister B. himself) wuz happy fer Ameriky, — I felt, ez sister Patience sez, a leetle mite hister- icky. 1 the ignerant creeter means Sekketary; but he oilers stuck to his books like cobbler's wax to an ile-stone. — H. B. THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 67 I felt, I swon, ez though it wuz a dreffle kind o' privilege Atrampin' round thru Boston streets among the gutter's drivelage ; I act'lly thought it wuz a treat to hear a little drummin', An' it did bonyfidy seem millanynm wuz acomin' Wen all on us got suits (darned like them wore in the state prison) An' every feller felt ez though all Mexico wuz hisn.^ This 'ere 's about the meanest place a skunk could wal diskiver (Saltillo 's Mexican, I b'lieve, fer wut we call Saltriver). The sort o' trash a feller gits to eat does beat all nater, I 'd give a year's pay fer a smell o' one good bluenose tater ; The country here thet Mister Bolles declared to be so charmin' Throughout is swarmin' with the most alarmin' kind o' varmin'. 1 it must be aloud that thare 's a streak o' nater in lovin' sho, but it sartinly is 1 of the curusest things in nater to see a rispecktable dri goods dealer (deekon ofT a chutch ma^'by) a riggiu' himself out in the "Weigh they du and struttin' round in the Reign aspilin' his trowsis and makin wet goods of himself. Ef any thin' s foolisher and moor dicklus than militerry gloary it is milishy gloary. — H. B. 68 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. He talked about delishis froots, but then it wuz a wopper all, The hoU on't 's mud an' prickly pears, with here an' there a chapparal ; You see a feller peekin' out, an', fust you know, a lariat Is round your throat an' you a copse, 'fore you can say, " Wut air ye at ? " ^ You never see sech darned gret bugs (it may not be irrelevant To say I 've seen a scarahmus pilularius ^ big ez a year old elephant,) The rigiment come up one day in time to stop a red bug From runnin' off with Cunnle Wright, — 't wuz jest a common cimex lectularius. One night I started up on eend an' thought I wuz to hum agin, I heern a horn, thinks I it 's Sol the fisherman hez come agin, His bellowses is sound enough, — ez I 'm a livin' creeter, I felt a tiling go thru my leg, — 't wuz nothin' more 'n a skeeter ! 1 these fellers are verry proppilh^ called Rank Heroes, and the more tha kill the ranker and more Herowick tha bekum. — H. B. 2 it WUZ "tumblebug" as he Writ it, but the parson put the Latten instid. i sed tother maid better meeter, but he said tha was eddvkated peepl to Boston and tha would n't stan' it no how. idnow as tha wood and idnow as tha wood. — H. B. THE BIG LOW FAFEES. G9 Then there 's the yaller fever, tu, they call it here el vomito, — (Come, thet wun't du, you landcrab there, I tell ye to le' ffo my toe I My gracious ! it 's a scorpion thet 's took a sliine to play with 't, I dars n't skeer the tarnal tiling fer fear he 'd run away with 't.) Afore I come away from hum I hed a strong per- suasion Thet Mexicans wor n't human beans, ^ — an ou- rang outang nation, A sort o' folks a chap could kill an' never dream on 't arter. No more 'n a feller 'd dream o' pigs thet he hed hed to slarter ; I 'd an idee thet they were built arter the darkle fashion all. An' kickin' colored folks about, you know, 's a kind o' national ; But wen I jined I wor n 't so wise ez thet air queen o' Sheby, Fer, come to look at 'em, they aint much diff'rent from wut we be, An' here we air ascrougin' 'em out o' thir own dominions, Ashelterin' 'em, ez Caleb sez, under our eagle's pinions, 1 he means human beins, that 's wut he means, i spose he kinder thought tha wuz human beans ware the Xisle Poles comes from. — H. B. 70 THE BIG LOW PAPERS. Wich means to take a feller up jest by the slack o' 's trowsis An' walk him Spanish clean right out o' all his homes an' houses ; Wal, it does seem a curus way, but then hooraw f er Jackson ! It must be right, f er Caleb sez it 's reg'lar Anglo- saxon. The Mex'cans don't fight fair, they say, they piz'n all the water. An' du amazin' lots o' things, thet is n't wut they ough' to ; Bein' they haint no lead, they make their bullets out o' copper An' shoot the darned things at us, tu, wich Caleb sez aint proper ; He sez they 'd ough' to stan' right up an' let us pop 'em fairly, (Guess wen he ketches 'em at thet he '11 hev to git up airly,) Thet our nation 's bigger 'n theirn an' so its rights air bigger. An' thet it 's all to make 'em free thet we air puUin' trigger. The Anglo Saxondom's idee 's abreakin' 'em to pieces, An' thet idee 's thet every man doos jest wut he damn pleases ; Ef I don't make his meanin' clear, perhaps in some respex I can. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 71 I know thet " every man " don't mean a nigger or a Mexican ; An' there 's another thing I know, an' thet is ef these creeturs, Thet stick an Anglosaxon mask onto State-prison feeturs, Should come to Jaalam Centre fer to argify an' spout on 't, The gals 'ould count the silver spoons the minnit they cleared out on 't. This goin' ware glory waits ye haint one agree- able feetur, An' ef it wor n't fer wakin' snakes, I 'd home agin short meter ; O, would n't I be off, quick time, ef 't wor n't thet I wuz sartin They 'd let the daylight into me to pay me fer desartin ! I don't approve o' tellin' tales, but jest to you I may state Our ossifers aint wut they wuz afore they left the Bay-state ; Then it wuz " Mister Sawin, sir, you 're middlin' well now, be ye ? Step up an' take a nipper, sir ; I 'm dreffle glad to see ye ; " But now it 's " "Ware 's my eppylet? here, Sawin, step an' fetch it ! An' mind your eye, be thund'rin' spry, or, damn ye, you shall ketch it ! " 72 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Wal, ez the Doctor sez, some pork will bile so, but by mighty, Ef I hed some on 'em to hum, I 'd give 'em linkumvity, I 'd play the rogue's march on their hides an' other music f ollerin' But I must close my letter here, for one on 'em 's a hollerin'. These Anglosaxon ossif ers, — wal, taint no use ajawin', X 'm safe enlisted fer the war, Yourn, BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. [Those hare not been wanting (as, indeed, when hath Satan been to seek for attorneys ?) who have maintained that our late inroad upon Mexico was undertaken, not so much for the avenging of any na- tional quarrel, as for the spreading of free institu- tions and of Protestantism. Capita vix duabus An- ticyris medenda ! Yerily I admire that no pious ser- geant among these new Crusaders beheld Martin Luther riding at the front of the host upon a tamed pontifical bull, as, in that former invasion of Mexico, the zealous Diaz (spawn though he were of the Scarlet Woman) was favored with a vision of St. James of Compostella, skewering the infidels upon his apostolic lance. We read, also, that Richard of the lion heart, having gone to Palestine on a similar errand of mercy, was divinely encouraged to cut the throats of such Paynims as refused to swallow the THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 73 bread of life (doubtless that they might be there- after incapacitated for swallowing the filthy gobbets of Mahound) by angels of heaven, who cried to the king and his knights, Seigneurs, tuez! tuez! provi- dentially using the French tongue, as being the only one understood by their auditors. This would argue for the pautoglottism of these celestial intelligences, while on the other hand, the Devil, teste Cotton Ma- ther, is unversed in certain of the Indian dialects. Yet must he be a semeiologist the most expert mak- ing himself intelligible to every people and kindred by signs ; no other discourse, indeed, being need- ful, than such as the mackerel-fisher holds with his finned quarry, who, if other bait be wanting, can by a bare bit of white rag at the end of a string capti- vate those foolish fishes. Such piscatorial oratory is Satan cunning in. Before one he trails a hat and feather, or a bare feather without a hat ; before an- other, a Presidential chair, or a tidewaiter's stool, op a pulpit in the city, no matter what. To us, dan- gling there over our heads, they seem junkets dropped out of the seventh heaven, sops dipped in nectar, but, once in our mouths, they are all one, bits of fuzzy cotton. This, however, by the way. It is time now revo- care gradum. Wliile so many miracles of this sort, vouched by eyewitnesses, have encouraged the arms of Papists, not to speak of those Dioscuri (whom we must conclude imps of the pit) who sundry times captained the pagan Roman soldiery, it is strange that our first American crusade was not in some such wise also signalized. Yet it is said that the Lord hath manifestly prospered our armies. This opens 74 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. the question, whether, when our hands are strength- ened to make great slaughter of our enemies, it be absolutely and demonstratively certain that this might is added to us from above, or whether some Potentate from an opposite quarter may not have a finger in it, as there are few pies into which his med- dling digits are not thrust. Would the Sanctifier and Setter-apart of the seventh day have assisted in a victory gained on the Sabbath, as was one in the late war ? Or has that day become less an object of his especial care since the year 1697, when so manifest a providence occurred to Mr. William Trowbridge, in answer to whose prayers, when he and all on shipboard with him were starving, a dol- phin was sent daily, "which was enough to serve 'em ; only on Saturdays they still catched a couple, and on the Lord^s Days they could catch none at all " ? Haply they might have been permitted, by way of mortification, to take some few sculpins (those banes of the salt-water angler), which un- seemly fish would, moreover, have conveyed to them a symbolical reproof for their breach of the day, being known in the rude dialect of our mariners as Cape Cod Clergymen. It has been a refreshment to many nice consciences to know that our Chief Magistrate would not regard with eyes of approval the (by many esteemed) sin- ful pastime of dancing, and I own myself to be so far of that mind, that I could not but set my face against this Mexican Polka, though danced to the Presidential piping with a Gubernatorial second. If ever the country should be seized with another such mania de propaganda Jide, I think it would be wise THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 75 to fill our bombshells with alternate copies of the Cambridge Platform and the Thirty-nine Articles, which would produce a mixture of the highest ex- plosive power, and to wrap every one of our cannon- balls in a leaf of the New Testament, the reading of which is denied to those who sit in the darkness of Popery. Those iron evangelists would thus be able to disseminate vital religion and Gospel truth in quarters inaccessible to the ordinary missionary. I have seen lads, unimpreguate with the more subli- mated punctiliousness of Walton, secure pickerel, taking their unwary siesta beneath the lily-pads too nigh the surface, with a gun and small shot. Why not, then, since gunpowder was unknown to the Apostles (not to enter here upon the question whether it were discovered before that period by the Chinese), suit our metaphor to the age in wliich we live, and say shooters as well s^s fishers of men? I do much fear that we shall be seized now and then with a Protestant fervor, as long as we have neighbor Naboths whose wallowings in Papistical mire excite our horror in exact proportion to the size and desirableness of their vineyards. Yet I rejoice that some earnest Protestants have been made by this war, — I mean those who protested agamst it. Fewer they were than I could wish, for one might imagine America to have been colonized by a tribe of those nondescript African animals the Aye- Ayes, so difficult a word is No to us all. There is some malformation or defect of the vocal organs, wliich either prevents our uttering it at all, or gives it so thick a pronunciation as to be unintelligible. A mouth filled with the national pudding, or watering 76 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. in expectation thereof, is wholly incompetent to this refractory monosyllable. An abject and herpetic Public Opinion is the Pope, the Anti-Christ, for us to protest against e corde cordium. And by what Col- lege of Cardinals is tliis our God's-vicar, our binder and looser, elected ? Very like, by the sacred con- clave of Tag, Rag, and Bobtail, in the gracious at- mosphere of the grog-shop. Yet it is of this that we must all be puppets. This thumps the pulpit-cush- ion, this guides the editor's pen, this wags the sena- tor's tongue. This decides what Scriptures are canon- ical, and shuffles Christ away into the Apocrypha. According to that sentence fathered upon Solon, O0tw Sr]fx6(nov KttKhu epx^rai oiKaS' kKacrrcf. This unclean spirit is skilful to assume various shapes. I have known it to enter my own study and nudge my el- bow of a Saturday under the semblance of a wealthy member of my congregation. It were a great bless- ing, if every particular of what in the sum we call popular sentiment could carry about the name of its manufacturer stamped legibly upon it. I gave a stab under the fifth rib to that pestilent fallacy, — "Our country, right or wrong," — by tracing its original to a speech of Ensign Cilley at a dinner of the Bungtown Fencibles. — H. W.] No. III. WHAT MR. ROBINSON THINKS. [A FEW remarks on the following verses will not be out of place. The satire in them was not meant to have any personal, but only a general, application. Of the gentleman upon whose letter they were in- tended as a commentary, Mr. Biglow had never heard till he saw the letter itself. The position of the sat- irist is oftentimes one which he would not have chosen, had the election been left to himself. In at- tacking bad principles, he is obliged to select some individual who has made himself their exponent, and in whom they are unpersonate, to the end that what he says may not, through ambiguity, be dissipated tenues in auras. For what says Seneca ? Longum iter per prcecepta, breve et efficace per exempla. A bad principle is comparatively harmless while it continues to be an abstraction, nor can the general mind com- prehend it fully till it is printed in that large type which all men can read at sight, namely, the life and character, the sayings and doings, of particular per- sons. It is one of the cunningest fetches of Satan, that he never exposes hmiself directly to our arrows, but, still dodging behind this neighbor or that ac- quaintance, compels us to wound him through them, if at all. He holds our affections as hostages, the while he patches up a truce with our conscience. Meanwliile, let us not forget that the aim of the 78 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. true satirist is not to be severe upon persons, but only upon falsehood, and, as Truth and Falsehood start from the same point, and sometimes even go along together for a little way, his business is to follow the path of the latter after it diverges, and to show her floundering in the bog at the end of it. Truth is quite beyond the reach of satire. There is so brave a simplicity in her, that she can no more be made ri- diculous than an oak or a pine. The danger of the satirist is, that continual use may deaden his sensibil- ity to the force of language. He becomes more and more liable to strike harder than he knows or intends. He may be careful to put on his boxing-gloves, and yet forget, that, the older they grow, the more plain- ly may the knuckles inside be felt. Moreover, in the heat of contest, the eye is insensibly drawn to the crown of victory, whose tawdry tinsel glitters tlu'ough that dust of the ring wliich obscures Truth's wreath of simple leaves. I have sometimes thought that my young friend, Mr. Biglow, needed a monitory hand laid on his arm, — aliquid suffiaminandus erat. I have never thought it good husbandry to water the tender plants of reform with aqua fortis, yet, where so much is to do in the beds, he were a sorry gar- dener who should wage a whole day's war with an iron scuffle on those ill weeds that make the garden- walks of life unsightly, when a sprinkle of Attic salt will wither them up. Est ars etiam maledicendi, says Scaliger, and truly it is a hard thing to say where the graceful gentleness of the lamb merges in downright sheepishness. We may conclude with worthy and wise Dr. Fuller, that " one may be a lamb in private wrongs, but in hearing general affronts to goodness they are asses which are not lions." — H. W. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 79 GuvENER B. is a sensible man ; He stays to liis home an' looks arter his folks, He draws his furrer ez straight ez he can, An' into nobody's tater-patch pokes ; — But John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. My ! aint it terrible ? Wut shall we du ? We can't never choose him, o' course, — that '3 flat; Guess we shall hev to come round, (don't you ? ) An' go in fer thunder an' guns, an all that ; Fer John P. Robinson he Sez he wunt vote fer Guvener B. Gineral C is a dreffle smart man : He 's ben on all sides thet give places or pelf ; But consistency still wuz a part of his plan, — He 's ben true to one party, — ari' thet is him- self, — So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. Gineral C. he goes in fer the war ; He don't vally principle more 'n an old cud ; Wut did God make us raytional creeturs fer, But glory an' gunpowder, plunder an' blood ? 80 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. So John P. Robinson he Sez he shall vote fer Gineral C. We were gittin' on nicely up here to our village, With good old idees o' wut's right an' wut aint, We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pil- An' thet eppyletts wor n't the best mark of a saint ; But John P. Robinson he Sez this kind o' thing 's an exploded idee. The side of our country must oilers be took, An' Presidunt Polk, you know, he is our coun- try, An' the angel thet writes all our sins in a book Puts the debit to him, an' to us the j^er* contry ; An' John P. Robinson he Sez this is his view o' the thing to a T. Parson Wilbur he calls all these argimunts lies ; Sez they 're nothin' on airth but jest fee, faw, fum; An' thet all this big talk of our destinies Is half on it ignorance an' t'other half rum ; THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 81 But John P. Robinson he Sez it aint no sech thing ; an', of course, so must we. Parson Wilbur sez he never heerd in liis life Thet th' Apostles rigged out in their swaller- tail coats An' marched round in front of a drum an' a fife. To git some on 'em office, an' some on 'em votes, But John P. Robinson he Sez they did n't know everythin' down in Judee. Wal, it 's a marcy we 've gut folks to tell us The rights an' the wrongs o' these matters, I vow; God sends country lawyers, an' other wise fellers, To drive the world's team wen it gits in a slough, Fer John P. Robinson he Sez the world '11 go right, ef he hollers out Gee. [The attentive reader will doubtless have perceived in the foregoing poem an allusion to that pernicious sentiment, "Our country, right or wrong." It is an 82 TEE BIGLOW PAPERS. abuse of language to call a certain portion of land, much more, certain personages elevated for tlie time being to high station, our country. I would not sever nor loosen a single one of those ties by which we are united to the spot of our birth, nor minish by a tittle the respect due to the Magistrate. I love our own Bay State too well to do the one, and as for the other, I have myself for nigh forty years exercised, however unworthily, the function of Justice of the Peace, hav- ing been called thereto by the unsolicited kindness of that most excellent man and upright patriot, Caleb Strong. Patrice fumus igne alieno luculentior is best qualified with this, Uhi libertas, ibi patria. We are inhabitants of two worlds, and owe a double, but not a divided, allegiance. In virtue of our clay, this little ball of earth exacts a certain loyalty of us, while, in our capacity as spirits, we are admitted citizens of an invisible and holier fatherland. There is a patriot- ism of the soul whose claim absolves us from our other and terrene fealty. Our true country is that ideal realm which we represent to ourselves under the names of religion, duty, and the like. Our ter- restrial organizations are but far-off approaches to so fair a model, and all they are verily traitors who resist not any attempt to divert them from this their original intendment. When, therefore, one would have us to fling up our caps and shout with the mul- titude, " Our country, liowever hounded ! " he de- mands of us that we sacrifice the larger to the less, the higher to the lower, and that we yield to the im- aginary claims of a few acres of soil our duty and privilege as liegemen of Truth. Our true country is bounded on the north and the south, on the east and THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 83 the west, by Justice, and when she oversteps that in- visible boundary-line by so much as a hair's-breadth, she ceases to be our mother, and chooses rather to be looked upon quasi noverca. That is a hard choice, when our earthly love of country calls upon us to tread one path and our duty points us to another. We must make as noble and becoming an election as did Penelope between Icarius and Ulysses. Veiling our faces, we must take silently the hand of Duty to follow her. Shortly after the publication of the foregoing poem, there appeared some comments upon it in one of the public prints which seemed to call for some animad- version. I accordingly addressed to Mr. Bucking- ham, of the Boston Courier, the following letter : — " Jaalam, November 4, 1847. " To the Editor of the Courier : " Respected Sir, — Calling at the post-office this morning, our worthy and efficient postmaster offered for my perusal a paragraph in the Boston Morning Post of the 3d instant, wherein certain effusions of the pastoral muse are attributed to the pen of Mr. James Russell Lowell. For aught I know or can affirm to the contrary, this Mr. Lowell may be a very deserving person and a youth of parts (though I have seen verses of his which I could never rightly understand) ; and if he be such, he, I am certain, as well as I, would be free from any proclivity to appro- priate to himself whatever of credit (or discredit) may honestly belong to another. I am confident, that, in penning these few lines, I am only forestall- ing a disclaimer from that young gentleman, whose '84 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. silence hitherto, when rumor pointed to himward, has excited in my bosom mingled emotions of sorrow and surprise. Well may my young parishioner, Mr. Big- low, exclaim with the poet, * Sic vos non vobis,' etc. though, in saying this, I would not convey the im- pression that he is a proficient in the Latin tongue, — the tongue, I might add, of a Horace and a TuUy. " Mr. B. does not employ his pen, I can safely say, for any lucre of worldly gain, or to be exalted by the carnal plaudits of men, digito monstrari, etc. He does not wait upon Providence for mercies, and in his heart mean merces. But I should esteem myself as verily deficient in my duty (who am his friend and in some unworthy sort his spiritual Jidus Achates, etc.), if I did not step forward to claim for him whatever measure of applause might be assigned to him by the judicious. " If this were a fitting occasion, I might venture here a brief dissertation touching the manner and kind of my young friend's poetry. But I dubitate whether this abstruser sort of speculation (though en- livened by some apposite instances from Aristopha- nes) would sufficiently interest your oppidan readers. As regards their satirical tone, and their plainness of speech, I will only say, that, in my pastoral experi- ence, I have found that the Arch-Enemy loves noth- ing better than to be treated as a religious, moral, and intellectual being, and that there is no apage Sathanas I so potent as ridicule. But it is a kind of weapon that must have a button of good-nature on the point of it. THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 85 " Tlie productions of Mr. B. have been stigmatized iu some quarters as unpatriotic ; but I can vouch that he loves his native soil with that hearty, though discriminating, attachment which springs from an intimate social intercourse of many years' standing. In the ploughing season, no one has a deeper share in the well-being of the country than he. If Dean Swift were right in saying that he who makes two blades of grass grow where one grew before confers a greater benefit on the state than he who taketh a city, Mr. B. might exhibit a fairer claim to the Presi- dency then General Scott himself. I think that some of those disinterested lovers of the hard-handed de- mocracy, whose fingers have never touched anything rougher than the dollars of our common country, would hesitate to compare palms with him. It would do your heart good, respected Sir, to see that young man mow. He cuts a cleaner and wider swarth than any in this town. " But it is time for me to be at my Post. It is very clear that my young friend's shot has struck the lintel, for the Post is shaken (Amos ix. 1). The editor of that paper is a strenuous advocate of the Mexican war, and a colonel, as I am given to under- stand. I presume, that, being necessarily absent iu Mexico, he has left his journal in some less judicious hands. At any rate, the Post has been too swift on this occasion. It could hardly have cited a more in- controvertible line from any poem than that which it has selected for animadversion, namely, — * We kind o' thought Christ went agin war an' pillage.' " If the Post maintains the converse of this propo- 86 THE BIGLO W PAPERS. sition, it can hardly be considered as a safe guide- post for the moral and religious portions of its party, however many other excellent qualities of a post it may be blessed with. There is a sign in London on which is painted, 'The Green Man.' It would do very well as a portrait of any individual who would support so unscriptural a thesis. As regards the language of the line in question, I am bold to say that He who readeth the hearts of men will not ac- count any dialect unseemly which conveys a sound and pious sentiment. I could wish that such senti- ments were more common, however uncouthly ex- pressed. Saint Ambrose affirms, that Veritas a quo- cunque (why not, then, quomodocunque ? ) dicatur, a spiritu sancto est. Digest also this of Baxter : ' The plainest words are the most profitable oratory in the weightiest matters.' " When the paragraph in question was shown to Mr. Biglow, the only part of it which seemed to give him any dissatisfaction was that which classed him with the Whig party. He says, that, if resolutions are a nourishing kind of diet, that party must be in a very hearty and flourishing condition ; for that they have quietly eaten more good ones of their own baking than he could have conceived to be possible without repletion. He has been for some years past (I re- gret to say) an ardent opponent of those sound doc- trines of protective policy which form so prominent a portion of the creed of that party. I confess, that, in some discussions which I have had with him on this point in my study, he has displayed a vein of ob- stinacy which I had not hitherto detected in his com- position. He is also Qiorresco referens') infected in no THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 87 small measure with the peculiar notions of a print called the Liberator, whose heresies I take every proper opportunity of combating, and of which, I thank God, I have never read a single line. " I did not see Mr. B.'s verses until they appeared in print, and there is certainly one thing in them which I consider highly improper. I allude to the personal references to myself by name. To confer notoriety on an humble individual who is laboring quietly in his vocation, and who keeps his cloth as free as he can from the dust of the political arena (though vce miJii si non evangelizavero), is no doubt an indecorum. The sentiments which he attributes to me I will not deny to be mine . They were embodied, though in a different form, in a discourse preached upon the last day of public fasting, and were accept- able to my entire people (of whatever political views), except the postmaster, who dissented ex officio. I ob- serve that you sometimes devote a portion of your paper to a religious summary. I should be well pleased to furnish a copy of my discourse for insertion in this department of your instructive journal. By omitting the advertisements, it might easily be got within the limits of a single number, and I venture to insure you the sale of some scores of copies in this town. I will cheerfully render myself responsible for ten. It might possibly be advantageous to issue it as an extra. But perhaps you will not esteem it an object, and I will not press it. My offer does not spring from any weak desire of seeing my name in print ; for I can enjoy this satisfaction at any time by turning to the Triennial Catalogue of the Uni- versity, where it also possesses that added emphasis 88 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. of Italics with whicli those of my calling are distin- guished. " I would simply add, that I continue to fit ingen- uous youth for college, and that I have two spacious and airy sleeping apartments at this moment unoccu- pied. Ingenuas didicisse, etc. Terms, which vary ac- cording to the circumstances of the parents, may be known on application to me by letter, post paid. In all cases the lad will be expected to fetch his own towels. This rule, Mrs. W. desires me to add, has no exceptions. " Respectfully, your obedient servant, "HOMER WILBUR, A.M. " P. S. Perhaps the last paragraph may look like an attempt to obtain the insertion of my circular gra- tuitously. If it should appear to you in that light, I desire that you would erase it, or charge for it at the usual rates, and deduct the amount from the pro- ceeds in your hands from the sale of my discourse, when it shall be printed. My circular is much longer and more explicit, and will be forwarded without charge to any who may desire it. It has been very neatly executed on a letter sheet, by a very deserving printer, who attends upon my ministry, and is a cred- itable specimen of the typographic art. I have one hung over my mantelpiece in a neat frame, where it makes a beautiful and appropriate ornament, and balances the profile of Mrs. W., cut with her toes by the young lady born without arms. H. W." I have in the foregoing letter mentioned General Scott in connection with the Presidency, because I THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 89 have been given to understand that he has blown to pieces and otherwise caused to be destroyed more Mexicans than any other commander. His claim would therefore be deservedly considered the strong- est. Until accurate returns of the Mexican killed, womided, and maimed be obtained, it will be difficult to settle these nice points of precedence. Should it prove that any other officer has been more meritorious and destructive than General S., and has thereby ren- dered himself more worthy of the confidence and sup- port of the conservative portion of our community, I shall cheerfully insert his name, instead of that of General S., in a future edition. It may be thought, likewise, that General S. has invalidated his claims by too much attention to the decencies of apparel, and the habits belonging to a gentleman. These ab- struser points of statesmanship are beyond my scope. I wonder not that successful military achievement should attract the admiration of the multitude. Rather do I rejoice with wonder to behold how rap- idly this sentiment is losing its hold upon the popular mind. It is related of Thomas Warton, the second of that honored name who held the office of Poetry Pro- fessor at Oxford, that, when one wished to find him, being absconded, as was his wont, in some obscure alehouse, he was counselled to traverse the city with a drum and fife, the sound of which inspiring music would be sure to draw the Doctor from his retirement into the street. We are all more or less bitten with this martial insanity. Nescio qua dulcedine . . . cunc'os ducit. I confess to some infection of that itch myself. When I see a Brigadier-General maintain- mg his insecure elevation in the saddle under the 90 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. severe fire of the trpining-field, and when I remem- ber that some military enthusiasts, through haste, in- experience, or an over-desire to lend reality to those fictitious combats, will sometimes discharge their ram- rods, I cannot but admire, while I deplore, the mis- taken devotion of those heroic officers. Semel insani- vimus omnes. I was myself, during the late war with Great Britain, chaplain of a regiment, which was fortunately never called to active military duty. I mention this circumstance with regret rather than pride. Had I been summoned to actual warfare, I trust that I might have been strengthened to bear myself after the manner of that reverend father in our New England Israel, Dr. Benjamin Colman, who, as we are told in Turell's life of him, when the vessel in which he had taken passage for England was at- tacked by a French privateer, " fought like a philoso- pher and a Christian, . . . and prayed all the while he charged and fired." As this note is already long, I shall not here enter upon a discussion of the ques- tion, whether Christians may lawfully be soldiers. I think it sufficiently evident, that, during the first two centuries of the Christian era, at least, the two pro- fessions were esteemed incompatible. Consult Jortin onthishead. — H. W.] No. IV. REMARKS OF INCREASE D. O'PHACE, ESQUIRE, AT AN EXTRUMPERY CAUCUS IN STATE STREET, REPORTED BY MR. H. BIGLOW. [The ingenious reader will at once understand that no such speech as the following was ever totidem verbis pronounced. But there are simpler and less guarded wits, for the satisfying of which such an explanation may be needful. For there are certain invisible lines, which as Truth successively overpasses, she becomes Untruth to one and another of us, as a large river, flowing from one kingdom into another, sometimes takes a new name, albeit the waters undergo no change, how small soever. There is, moreover, a truth of fiction more veracious than the truth of fact, as that of the Poet, which represents to us things and events as they ought to be, rather than servilely copies them as they are imperfectly imaged in the crooked and smoky glass of our mundane affairs. It is this which makes the speech of Antonius, though originally spoken in no wider a forum than the brain of Shak- speare, more historically valuable than that other which Appian has reported, by as much as the understand- ing of the Englishman was more comprehensive than that of the Alexandrian. Mr. Biglow, in the present instance, has only made use of a license assumed by all the historians of antiquity, who put into the 92 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. mouths of various characters such words as seem to them most fitting to the occasion and to the speaker. If it be objected that no such oration could ever have been delivered, I answer, that there are few assem- blages for speech-making which do not better deserve the title of Parliamentum Indoctorum than did the sixth Parliament of Henry the Fourth, and that men still continue to have as much faith in the Oracle of Fools as ever Pantagruel had. Howell, in his letters, recounts a merry tale of a certain ambassador of Queen Elizabeth, who, -having written two letters, one to her Majesty and the other to his wife, directed them at cross purposes, so that the Queen was be- ducked and bedeared and requested to send a change of hose, and the wife was beprincessed and otherwise unwontedly besuperlatived, till the one feared for the wits of her ambassador, the other for those of her husband. In like manner it may be presumed that our speaker has misdirected some of his thoughts, and given to the whole theatre what he would have wished to confide only to a select auditory at the back of the curtain. For it is seldom that we can get any fra,nk utterance from men, who address, for the most part, a Buncombe either in this world or the next. As for their audiences, it may be truly said of our people, that they enjoy one political institution in common with the ancient Athenians : I mean a certain profitless kind of ostracism, wherewith, nevertheless, they seem hith- erto well enough content. For in Presidential elec- tions, and other affairs of the sort, whereas I observe that the oysters fall to the lot of comparatively few, the shells (such as the privileges of voting as they are told to do by the ostrivori aforesaid, and of huzzaing THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 93 at public meetings) are very liberally distributed among the people, as being their prescriptive and quite sufficient portion. The occasion of the speech is supposed to be Mr. Palfrey's refusal to vote for the Whig candidate for the Speakership. — H. W.] No? Hezhe? He haint, though? Wut ? Voted agin him ? Ef the bird of oui* country could ketch him, she 'd skin him ; I seem 's though I see her, with wrath in each quill Like a chancery lawyer, afilin' her bill, An' grindin' her talents ez sharp ez all nater. To pounce like a writ on the back o' the traiter. Forgive me, my friends, ef I seem to be het, But a crisis like tliis must with vigor be met ; Wen an Arnold the star-spangled banner be- stains, Holl Fourth o' Julys seem to bile in my veins. Who ever 'd ha' thought sech a pisonous rig Would be run by a chap thet wiiz chose fer a Wig? " We knowed wut liis principles wuz 'fore we • sent him ? " Wut wuz ther in them from this vote to pervent him ? A marciful Providunce fashioned us holler O' purpose thet we might our principles swaller ; 94 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. It can hold any quantity on 'em, the belly can, An' bring 'em up ready fer use like the pelican, Or more like the kangaroo, who (wich is stranger) Puts her family into her pouch wen there 's danger. Aint principle precious ? then, who 's goin' to use it Wen there 's resk o' some chap's gittin' up to abuse it ? I can't tell the wy on 't, but nothin' is so sure Ez thet principle kind o' gits spiled by ex- posm-e ; ^ A man thet lets all sorts o' folks git a sight on 't Ough' to hev it all took right away, every mite on 't; Ef he can't keep it all to himself wen it's wise to, He aint one it 's fit to trust nothin' so nice to. Besides, ther 's a wonderful power in latitude To shift a man's morril relations an' attitude ; 1 The speaker is of a different mind from Tully, who, in his recently discovered tractate De Republica, tells us, — Nee vero habere virtutem satis est, quasi artem aliquam, nisi utare, and from our Milton, who says, " I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercised and unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her adversar}'^, but slinks out of the race where that immortal garland is to be run for, not without dust and heat.'^ — At-eoj). He had taken the words out of the Roman's mouth, without knowing it, and might well exclaim with Austin (if a saint's name may stand spon- sor for a curse), Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerint! — H. W. THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 95 Some flossifers think thet a fakkilty 's granted The minnit it 's proved to be thoroughly wanted, Thet a change o' demand makes a change o' con- dition, An' thet everythin' 's nothin' except by position ; Ez fer instance, thet rubber-trees fust begun bearin' Wen p'htickle conshunces come into wearin', — Thet the fears of a monkey, whose holt chanced to fail, Drawed the vertibry out to a prehensile tail ; So, wen one 's chose to Congriss, ez soon ez he 's in it, A collar grows right round his neck in a minnit, An' sartin it is thet a man cannot be strict In bein' himself, wen he gits to the Deestrict, Fer a coat thet sets wal here in ole Massachu- setts, Wen it gits on to Washinton, somehow askew sets. Resolves, do you say, o' the Springfield Conven- tion ? Thet 's percisely the pint I was goin' to men- tion ; Resolves air a thing we most gen'ally keep ill, They 're a cheap kind o' dust fer the eyes 'o the people ; A parcel o' delligits jest git together An' chat fer a spell o' the crops an' the weather. 96 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Then, comin' to order, they squabble awile, An' let off the speeches they 're ferful '11 spile ; Then — Resolve, — Thet we wunt hev an inch o' slave territory ; Thet President Polk's holl perceedins air very tory; Thet the war 's a damned war, an' them thet enlist in it Should hev a cravat with a dreffle tight twist in it ; Thet the war is a war fer the spreadin' o' slav- ery ; Thet our army desarves our best thanks fer their bravery ; Thet we 're the original friends o' the nation, All the rest air a paltry an' base fabrication ; Thet we highly respect Messrs. A, B, an' C, An' ez deeply despise Messrs. E, F, an' G. In this way they go to the eend o' the chapter, An' then they bust out in a kind of a raptur About their own vartoo, an' folk's stone-blind- To the men thet 'ould actilly do 'em a kind- ness, — The American eagle, the Pilgrims thet landed. Till on ole Plymouth Rock they git j&nally stranded ; Wal, the people they listen and say, " Thet 's the ticket ; Ez fer Mexico, faint no great glory to lick it, THE BIGLOW PAPERS. ' 97 But 't would be a darned shame to go puUin' o' triggers To extend the aree of abusin' the niggers." So they march in percessions, an' git up hooraws, An' tramp thru the mud fer the good o' the cause, An' think they 're a kind o' fulfillin' the prophe- cies, Wen they 're on'y jest changin' the holders of offices ! Ware A sot afore, B is comf'tably seated, One humbug 's victor'ous an' t'other defeated. Each honnable doughface gits jest wut he axes, An' the people — their annooal soft sodder an' taxes. Now, to keep unimpaired all these glorious feeturs Thet characterize morril and reasonin' creeturs, Thet give every paytriot all he can cram, Thet oust the untrustworthy Presidunt Flam, And stick honest Presidunt Sham in liis place To the manifest gain o' the holl human race, An' to some indervidgewals on 't in partickler, AVho love Public Opinion an' know how to tickle her, — I say thet a party with great aims like these Must stick jest ez close ez a hive full o' bees. I 'm willin' a man should go tollable strong Agin wrong in the abstract, fer thet kind o' wrong 98 TEE BIG LOW PAPERS. Is oilers unpop'lar an' never gits pitied, Because it 's a crime no one never committed ; But lie mus' n't be hard on partickler sins, Coz then he '11 be kickin' the people's own shins. On'y look at the Demmercrats, see wut they 've done Jest simply by stickin' together like fun ; They 've sucked us right into a mis'able war Thet no one on airth aint responsible for ; They 've run us a hundred cool millions in debt, (An' f er Demmercrat Horners ther 's good plums left yet ;) They talk agin tayriffs, but act fer a high one, An' so coax all parties to build up their Zion ; To the people they 're oilers ez slick ez molas- ses, An' butter their bread on both sides with The Masses, Half o' whom they 've persuaded, by way of a joke, Thet Washinton's mantelpiece fell upon Polk. Now all o' these blessins the Wigs might enjoy, Ef they 'd gumption enough the right means to imploy ; ^ Fer the silver spoon born in Dermocracy's mouth Is a kind of a scringe thet they hev to the South ; 1 That was a pithy saying of Persius, and fits our politi- cians without a wrinkle, Maglster artis, ingeniique largitor venter. — H. W. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 99 Their masters can cuss 'em an' kick 'em an' wale 'em. An' they notice it less 'an the ass did to Balaam ; In this way they screw into second-rate offices Wich the slave-holder thinks 'ould substract too much off his ease ; The file-leaders, I mean, du, fer they, by their wiles, Unlike the old viper, grow fat on their files. Wal, the Wigs hev been tryin' to grab all this prey frum 'em An' to hook this nice spoon o' good fortin' away frum 'em. An' they might ha' succeeded ez likely ez not, In lickin' the Demmercrats all round the lot, Ef it war n't thet, wile all faithful Wigs were their knees on, Some stuffy old codger would holler out, — " Treason ! You must keep a sharp eye on a dog thet hez bit you once, An' / aint agoin' to cheat my constitoounts," — Wen every fool knows thet a man represents Not the fellers thet sent him, but them on the fence, — Impartially ready to jump either side An' make the fust use of a turn o' the tide, — The waiters on Providunce here in the city, Who compose wut they call a State Centerl Com- mitty. 100 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Constitooiints air hendy to help a man in, But arterwards don't weigh the heft of a pin. Wy, the people can't all live on Uncle Sam's pus, So they 've nothin' to du with 't f er better or wus ; It 's the folks thet air kind o' brought up to de- pend on 't Thet hev any consarn in 't, and thet is the end on't. Now here wuz New England ahevin' the honor Of a chance at the Speakership showered upon her ; — Do you say, " She don't want no more Speak- ers, but fewer ; She's hed plenty o' them, wut she wants is a doer " ? Fer the matter o' thet, it 's notorous in town Thet her own representatives du her quite brown. But thet 's nothin' to du with it ; wut right hed Palfrey To mix himself up with fanatical small fry ? War n't we gittin' on prime with our hot an' cold blowin' Acondemnin' the war wilst we kep' it agoin' ? We 'd assumed with gret skill a commandin' position, On this side or thet, no one could n't tell wich one. So, wutever side wipped, we 'd a chance at the plunder THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 101 An' could sue fer infringin' our paytented thun- der ; We were ready to vote fer whoever wuz eligible, Ef on all pints at issoo he 'd stay unintelligible. Wal, sposin' we hed to gulp down our perfes- sions, We were ready to come out next mornin' with fresh ones ; Besides, ef we did, 't was our business alone, Fer could n't we du wut we would with our own ? An' ef a man can, wen pervisions hev riz so. Eat up his own words, it 's a marcy it is so. Wy, these chaps frum the North, with back- bones to 'em, darn 'em, 'Ould be wuth more 'an Gennle Tom Thumb is to Barnum ; Ther 's enough thet to office on this very plan gl'OW, By exhibitin' how very small a man can grow ; But an M. C. frum here oilers hastens to state he Belongs to the order called invertebraty, Wence some gret filologists judge primy fashy Thet M. C. is M. T. by paronomashy ; An' these few exceptions air loosus naytury Folks 'ould put down their quarters to stare at like fury. It 's no use to open the door o' success, Ef a member can bolt so fer nothin' or less ; ) 102 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. Wy, all o' them grand constitootional pillers Our four fathers fetched with 'em over the bil- lers, Them pillers the people so soundly hev slept on, Wile to slav'ry, invasion, an' debt they were swept on, Wile our Destiny higher an' higher kep' mount- in', (Though I guess folks '11 stare wen she hends her account in,) Ef members in this way go kickin' agin 'em, They wunt hav so much ez a feather left in 'em. An', ez fer this Palfrey,^ we thought wen we 'd gnt him in, He 'd go kindly in wutever harness we put him in ; Supposin' we did know thet he wuz a peace man ? Doos he think he can be Uncle Samwell's police- man. An' wen Sam gits tipsy an' kicks up a riot, Lead him off to the lockup to snooze till he 's quiet ? Wy, the war is a war thet true paytriots can bear, ef It leads to the fat promised land of a tayriff ; We don't go an' fight it, nor aint to be driv on, Nor Demmercrats nuther, thet hev wut to live on; 1 There is truth yet in this of Juvenal, — " Dat veniam corvis, vexat censura columbas." THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 103 Ef it aint jest the thing thet 's well pleasin' to God, It makes us thought highly on elsewhere abroad ; The Rooshian black eagle looks blue in his eerie An' shakes both his heads wen he hears o' Mon- teery ; In the Tower Victory sets, all of a fluster, An' reads, with locked doors, how we won Cherry Buster ; An' old Pliilip Lewis — thet come an' kep' school here Fer the mere sake o' scorin' his ryalist ruler On the tenderest part of our kmgs infuturo — Hides his crown underneath an old shut in his bureau, Breaks off in his brags to a suckle o' merry kings, How he often hed hided young native Amerri- kins, An', turnin' quite faint in the midst of his fooler- ies. Sneaks down stairs to bolt the front door o' the Tooleries.-^ 1 Jortin is willing to allow of other miracles besides those recorded in Holy Writ, and why not of other prophecies ? It is granting too much to Satan to suppose him, as divers of the learned have done, the inspirer of the ancient oracles. Wiser, I esteem it, to give chance the credit of the successful ones. What is said here of Louis Philippe was verified in some of its minute particulars within a few months' time. Enough to have made the fortune of Delphi or Hammon, and no thanks to Beelzebub neither ! That of Seneca in Medea will suit here : — 104 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. You say, " We 'd ha' scared 'em by growin' in peace A plaguy sight more then by bobberies like these " ? Who is it dares say thet " our naytional eagle Wun't much longer be classed with the birds thet air regal, Coz theirn be hooked beaks, an' she, arter this slaughter, '11 bring back a bill ten times longer 'n she ough' to"? Wut 's your name ? Come, I see ye, you up- country feller, You 've put me out severil times with your beller ; Out with it! Wut? Biglow? I say nothin' f urder ; Thet feller would like nothin' better 'n a murder ; He 's a traiter, blasphemer, an' wut ruther worse is, He puts all his ath'ism in dreffle bad verses ; Socity aint safe tiU sech monsters air out on it, Refer to the Post, ef you hev the least doubt on it; " Rapida fortuna ac levis, Prsecepsque regno eripuit, exsilio dedit." Let us allow, even to richly deserved misfortune, our com- miseration, and be not over-hasty meanwhile in our censure of the French people, left for the first time to govern them- selves, remembering that wise sentence of -^schylus, — 'ATTtts Se Tpaxvs octtis a.v veov Kparr}. H. W. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 105 Wy, he goes agin war, agin indirect taxes, Agin sellin' wild lands 'cept to settlers with axes, Agin holdin' o' slaves, though he knows it 's the corner Our libbaty rests on, the mis'able scorner ! In short, he would wholly upset with his ravages All thet keeps us above the brute critters an' savages. An' pitch into all kinds o' briles an' confusions The holl of our civilized, free institutions ; He writes fer thet rather unsafe print, the Courier, An' likely ez not hez a squintin' to Foorier ; I '11 be , thet is, I mean I '11 be blest, Ef I hark to a word frum so noted a pest ; I shan't talk with hhn, my religion 's too fervent. Good mornin', my friends, I 'm your most humble servant. [Into the question, whether the ability to express ourselves in articulate language has been productive of more good or evil, I shall not here enter at large. The two faculties of speech and of speech-making are wholly diverse in their natures. By the first we make ourselves intelligible, by the last unintelligible, to our fellows. It has not seldom occurred to me (noting how in our national legislature everything runs to talk, as lettuces, if the season or the soil be unpropitious, shoot up lankly to seed, instead of form- ing handsome heads) that Babel was the first Con- gress, the earliest mill erected for the manufacture 106 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. of gabble. In these days, what with Town Meetings, School Committees, Boards (lumber) of one kind and another, Congresses, Parliaments, Diets, Indian Coun- cils, Palavers, and the like, there is scarce a village which has not its factories of this description driven by (milk-and-) water power. I cannot conceive the confusion of tongues to have been the curse of Babel, since I esteem my ignorance of other languages as a kind of Martello-tower, in which I am safe from the furious bombardments of foreign garrulity. For this reason I have ever preferred the study of the dead languages, those primitive formations being Ararats upon whose silent peaks I sit secure and watch this new deluge without fear, though it rain figures (sim- ulacra, semblances) of speech forty days and nights together, as it not uncommonly happens. Thus is my coat, as it were, without buttons by which any but a vernacular wild bore can seize me. Is it not possible that the Shakers may intend to convey a quiet re- proof and hint, in fastening their outer garments with hooks and eyes ? This reflection concerning Babel, which I find in no Commentary, was first thrown upon my mind when an excellent deacon of my congregation (being in- fected with the Second Advent delusion) assured me that he had received a first instalment of the gift of tongues as a small earnest of larger possessions in the like kind to follow. For, of a truth, I could not reconcile it with my ideas of the Divine justice and mercy that the single wall which protected people of other languages from the incursions of this otherwise well-meaning propagandist should be broken down. In reading Congressional debates, I have fancied, THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 107 that, after the subsidence of those paiiiful buzzings in the brain which result from such exercises, I detected a slender residuum of valuable information. I made the discovery that nothing takes longer in the saying than anything else, for, as ex nihilo nihil Jit, so from one polypus nothing any number of similar ones may be produced. I would recommend to the attention of viva voce debaters and controversialists the admira- ble example of the monk Copres, who, in the fourth century, stood for half an hour in the midst of a great fire, and thereby silenced a Manichsean antagonist who had less of the salamander in him. As for those who quarrel in print, I have no concern with them here, since the eyelids are a divinely granted shield against all such. Moreover, I have observed in many modern books that the printed portion is becoming gradually smaller, and the number of blank or fly- leaves (as they are called) greater. Should this for- tunate tendency of literature continue, books will grow more valuable from year to year, and the whole Serbonian bog yield to the advances of firm arable land. I have wondered, in the Representatives' Chamber of our own Commonwealth, to mark how little im- pression seemed to be produced by that emblematic fish suspended over the heads of the members. Our wiser ancestors, no doubt, hung it there as being the animal which the Pythagoreans reverenced for its silence, and which certainly in that particular does not so well merit the epithet cold-blooded, by which naturalists distinguish it, as certain bipeds, afflicted with ditch-water on the brain, who take occasion to tap themselves in Fanueil Halls, meeting-houses, and other places of public resort.— H. W.J No. V. THE DEBATE IN THE SENNIT. SOT TO A NUSRY RHYME. [The incident which gave rise to the debate sati- rized in the following verses was the unsuccessful attempt of Drayton and Sayres to give freedom to seventy men and women, fellow-beings and fellow- Christians. Had Tripoli, instead of Washington, been the scene of this undertakmg, the unhappy leaders in it would have been as secure of the the- oretic as they now are of the practical part of mar- tyrdom. I question whether the Dey of Tripoli is blessed with a District Attorney so benighted as ours at the seat of government. Very fitly is he named Key, who would allow himself to be made the instrument of locking the door of hope against sufferers in such a cause. Not all the waters of the ocean can cleanse the vile smutch of the jailer's fin- gers from off that little Key. Ahenea clavis, a bra- zen Key indeed ! Mr. Calhoun, who is made the chief speaker in this burlesque, seems to think that the light of the nine- teenth century is to be put out as soon as he tinkles his little cow-bell curfew. Whenever slavery is touched, he sets up his scarecrow of dissolving the Union. This may do for the North, but I should conjecture that something more than a pumpkin- THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 109 lantern is required to scare manifest and irretriev- able Destiny out of her path. Mr. Calhoun cannot let go the apron-string of the Past. The Past is a good nurse, but we must be weaned from her sooner or later, even though, like Plotinus, we should run home from school to ask the breast, after we are tolerably well-grown youths. It will not do for us to hide our faces in her lap, whenever the strange Future holds out her arms and asks us to come to her. But we are all alike. We have all heard it said, often enough, that little boys must not play with fire ; and yet, if the matches be taken away from us and put out of reach upon the shelf, we must needs get into our little corner, and scowl and stamp and threaten the dire revenge of going to bed without our supper. The world shall stop till we get our dangerous plaything again. Dame Earth, mean- while, who has more than enough household matters to mind, goes bustling hither and thither as a hiss or a sputter tells her that this or that kettle of hers is boiling over, and before bedtime we are glad to eat our porridge cold, and gulp down our dignity along with it. Mr. Calhoun has somehow acquired the name of a great statesman, and, if it be great statesmanship to put lance in rest and run a tilt at the Spirit of the Age with the certainty of being next moment hurled neck and heels into the dust amid universal laugh- ter, he deserves the title. He is the Sir Kay of our modern chivalry. He should remember the old Scandinavian mythus. Thor was the strongest of gods, but he could not wrestle with Time, nor so 110 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. much as lift up a fold of the great snake wluch knit the universe together ; and when he smote the Earth, though with his terrible mallet, it was but as if a leaf had fallen. Yet all the while it semed to Thor that he had only been wrestling with an old woman, striving to lift a eat, and striking a stupid giant on the head. And in old times, doubtless, the giants were stupid, and there was no better sport for the Sir Launcelots and Sir Gawains than to go about cutting off their great blundering heads with enchanted swords. But things have wonderfully changed. It is the giants, nowadays, that have the science and the intelli- gence, while the chivalrous Don Quixotes of Conser- vatism still cumber themselves with the clumsy armor of a bygone age. On whirls the restless globe through unsounded time, with its cities and its silences, its births and funerals, half light, half shade, but never wholly dark, and sure to swing round into the happy morning at last. With an involuntary smile, one sees Mr. Calhoun letting slip his pack-thread cable with a crooked pin at the end of it to anchor South Carolina upon the bank and shoal of the Past. — H. W.] TO MK. BUCKENAM. MR. Editer, As i wuz kinder prunin round, in a little nussry sot out a year or 2 a go, the Dbait in the sennit cum inter my mine An so i took & Sot it to wut I call a nussry rime. I hev made sum onnable Gentlemun speak that dident speak in a THE B J GLOW PAPERS. Ill Kind uv Poetikul lie sense the seeson is dreffle backerd up This way ewers as ushul HOSEA BIGLOW. " Here we stan' on the Constitution, by thun- der ! It 's a fact o' wich ther 's bushils o' proofs ; Fer how coukl we trample on 't so, I wonder, Ef 't wor n't thet it 's oilers under our hoofs ? " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; " Human rights haint no more Right to come on this floor, No more 'n the man in the moon," sez he. "The North haint no kind o' bisness wdth nothin'. An' you 've no idee how much bother it saves ; We aint none riled by their frettin' an' frothin', We 're used to layin' the string on our slaves," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — Sez Mister Foote, " I should like to shoot The holl gang, by the gret horn spoon ! " sez he. " Freedom's Keystone is Slavery, thet ther 's no doubt on. It 's sutthin' thet 's — wha' d' ye call it ? — 112 TBE B I GLOW PAPERS. An' the slaves thet we oilers make the most out on Air them north o' Mason an' Dixon's line," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — " Fer all thet," sez Mangum, " 'T would be better to hang 'em, An' so get red on 'em soon," sez he. " The mass ough' to labor an' we lay on soffies, Thet 's the reason I want to spread Freedom's aree ; It puts all the cunninest on us in office. An' reelises our Maker's orig'nal idee," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — " Thet 's ez plain," sez Cass, " Ez thet some one 's an ass, It 's ez clear ez the sun is at noon," sez he. " Now don't go to say I 'm the friend of oppres- sion, But keep all your spare breath fer coolin' your broth ; Fer I oilers hev strove (at least thet 's my im- pression) To make cussed free with the rights o' the North." Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — " Yes," sez Davis o' Miss., " The perfection o' bliss Is in skinnin' thet same old coon," sez he. thf: b I glow papers. 113 " Slavery 's a thing thet depends on complexion, It 's God's law thet fetters on black skins don't chafe ; Ef brains wuz to settle it (horrid reflection !) Wich of our onnable body 'd be safe ? " Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — Sez Mister Hannegan, Afore he began agin, " Thet exception is quite oppertoon," sez he. " Gen'nle Cass, Sir, you need n't be twitchin' your collar, Yoicr merit 's quite clear by the dut on your knees. At the North we don't make no distinctions o* color ; You can all take a lick at our shoes wen you please," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — Sez Mister Jarnagin, " They wunt hev to larn agin. They all on 'em know the old toon," sez he. " The slavery question aint no ways bewilderin'. North an' South hev one int'rest, it 's plain to a glance, No'thern men, like us patriarchs, don't sell their childrin, But they du sell themselves, ef they git a good chance," 114 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — Sez Atherton here, " This is gittin' severe, I wish I could dive like a loon," sez he. " It '11 break up the Union, this talk about free- dom, An' your f act'ry gals (soon ez we split) '11 make head. An' gittin' some Miss chief or other to lead 'em, '11 go to work raisin' promiscoous Ned," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — " Yes, the North," sez Colquitt, " Ef we Southerners all quit. Would go down like a busted balloon," sez he. " Jest look wut is doin', wut annyky's brewin' In the beautiful clime o' the olive an' vine. All the wise aristoxy is tumblin' to ruin, An' the sankylots drorin' an' drinkin their wine," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he, — " Yes," sez Johnson, " in France They 're beginnin' to dance Beelzebub's own rigadoon," sez he. " The South 's safe enough, it don't feel a mite skeery. Our slaves in their darkness an' dut air tu blest THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 115 Not tu welcome with proud hallylugers the ery Wen our eagle kicks yourn from the naytional nest," Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — " 0," sez Westcott o' Florida, " Wut treason is horrider Then our priv'leges tryin' to proon ? " sez he. " It 's 'coz they 're so happy, thet wen crazy sar- pints Stick their nose in our bizness, we git so darned riled We tliink it 's our dooty to give pooty sharp hints, Thet the last crumb of Edin on airth shan't be spiled Sez John C. Calhoun, sez he ; — *'Ah," sez Dixon H. Lewis, *' It perfectly true is Thet slavery 's airth's grettest boon," sez he. [It was said of old time, that riches have wings ; and, though this be not applicable in a literal strict- ness to the wealth of our patriarchal brethren of the South, yet it is clear that their possessions have legs, and an unaccountable propensity for using them in a northerly direction. I marvel that the grand jury of Washington did not find a true bill against the North Star for aiding and abetting Drayton and Sayres. It would have been quite of a piece with the intelligence displayed by the South on other questions connected with slavery. I think that no 116 THE BIG LOW PAPERS. ship of state was ever freighted with a more veritable Jonah than this same domestic institution of ours. Mephistopheles himself could not feign so bitterly, so satirically sad a sight as this of three millions of human beings crushed beyond help or hope by this one mighty argument, — Our fathers knew no better ! Nevertheless, it is the unavoidable destiny of Jonahs to be cast overboard sooner or later. Or shall we try the experiment of hiding our Jonah in a safe place, that none may lay hands on him to make jetsam of him ? Let us, then, with equal forethought and wis- dom, lash ourselves to the anchor, and await, in pious confidence, the certain result. Perhaps our suspicious passenger is no Jonah after all, being black. For it is well known that a superintending Providence made a kind of sandwich of Ham and his descendants, to be devoured by the Caucasian race. In God's name, let all, who hear nearer and nearer the hungry moan of the storm and the growl of the breakers, speak out ! But, alas ! we have no right to interfere. If a man pluck an apple of mine, he shall be in danger of the justice ; but if he steal my brother, I must be silent. Who says this ? Our Constitution, consecrated by the callous suetude of sixty years, and grasped in triumphant argument in the left hand of him whose right hand clutches the clotted slave-whip. Justice, venerable with the un- dethronable majesty of countless aeons, says, — Speak ! The Past, wise with the sorrows and desola- tions of ages, from amid her shattered fanes and wolf -housing palaces, echoes, — Speak ! Nature, through her thousand trumpets of freedom, her stars, her sunrises, her seas, her winds, her cataracts, her THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 117 mountains blue with cloudy pines, blows jubilant encouragement, and cries, — Speak ! From the soul's trembling abysses the still, small voice not vaguely murmurs, — Speak ! But, alas ! the Consti- tution and the Honorable Mr. Bagowind, M. C, say, — Be dumb ! It occurs to me to suggest, as a topic of inquiry in this connection, whether, on that momentous occasion when the goats and the sheep shall be parted, the Constitution and the Honorable Mr. Bagowind, M. C, will be expected to take their places on the left as our hircine vicars. Quid sum miser tunc dicturus? Quem patronum rogaturus f There is a point where toleration sinks into sheer baseness and poltroonery. The toleration of the worst leads us to look on what is barely better as good enough, and to worship what is only moderately good. Woe to that man, or that nation, to whom mediocrity has become an ideal ! Has our experiment of self-government succeeded, if it barely manage to rub and go ? Here, now, is a piece of barbarism which Christ and the nineteenth century say shall cease, and which Messrs. Smith, Brown, and others say shall not cease. I would by no means deny the eminent respectability of these gentlemen, but I confess, that, in such a wrestling- match, I cannot help having my fears for them. Discitejustitiam, moniti, et non temnere divos. H. W.] No. VI. THE PIOUS EDITOR'S CREED. [At the special instance of Mr. Biglow, I preface the following satire with an extract from a sermon preached during the past summer, from Ezekiel xxxiv. 2 : " Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel." Since the Sabbath on which this discourse was delivered, the editor of the " Jaalam Indepen- dent Blunderbuss " has unaccountably absented him- self from our house of worship. " I know of no so responsible position as that of the public journalist. The editor of our day bears the same relation to his time that the clerk bore to the age before the invention of printing. Indeed, the position which he holds is that which the clergyman should hold even now. But the clergyman chooses to walk off to the extreme edge of the world, and to throw such seed as he has clear over into that dark- ness which he calls the Next Life. As if next did not mean nearest, and as if any life were nearer than that immediately present one which boils and eddies all around him at the caucus, the ratification meeting, and the polls ! Who taught him to exhort men to prepare for eternity, as for some future era of which the present forms no integral part ? The furrow which Time is even now turning runs through the THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 119 Everlasting, and in that must he plant, or nowhere. Yet he would fain believe and teach that we are going to have more of eternity than we have now. This going of his is like that of the auctioneer, on which gone follows before we have made up our minds to bid, — in which manner, not three months back, I lost an excellent copy of Chappelow on Job. So it has come to pass that the preacher, instead of being a living force, has faded into an emblematic figure at christenings, weddings, and funerals. Or, if he exercise any other function, it is as keeper and feeder of certain theologic dogmas, which, when oc- casion offers, he unkennels with a stahoy ! " to bark and bite as 'tis their nature to," whence that re- proach of odium iheologicum has arisen. " Meanwhile, see what a pulpit the editor mounts daily, sometimes with a congregation of fifty thou- sand within reach of his voice, and never so much as a nodder, even, among them ! And from what a Bible can he choose his text, — a Bible which needs no translation, and which no priestcraft can shut and clasp from the laity, — the open volume of the world, upon which, with a pen of sunshine or destroying fire, the inspired Present is even now writing the annals of God ! Methinks the editor who should understand his calling, and be equal thereto, would truly deserve that title of iroifi^v \au>v, wliich Homer bestows upon princes. He would be the Moses of our nineteenth century, and whereas the old Sinai, silent now, is but a common mountain stared at by the elegant tourist and crawled over by the hammering geologist, he must find his tables of the new law here among fac- tories and cities in this Wilderness of Sin (Numbers 120 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. iii. 12) called Progress of Civilization, and be the captain of our Exodus into the Canaan of a truer social order. " Nevertheless, our editor will not come so far within even the shadow of Sinai as Mahomet did, but chooses rather to construe Moses by Joe Smith. He takes up the crook, not that the sheep may be fed, but that he may never want a warm woollen suit and a joint of mutton. Immemor^ 0, Jidei, pecorumque ohlite tuorum ! For which reason I would derive the name editor not so much from edo, to publish, as from edo, to eat, that being the peculiar profession to which he esteems himself called. He blows up the flames of political discord for no other occasion than that he may thereby handily boil his own pot. I believe there are two thousand of these mutton-loving shepherds in the United States, and of these, how many have even the dimmest perception of their immense power, and the duties consequent thereon ? Here and there, haply, one. Nine hundred and ninety-nine labor to impress upon the people the great principles of Tiueedledum, and other nine hundred and ninety-nine preach with equal earnestness the gospel according to Tweedledee." — H. W.] I Du believe in Freedom's cause, Ez fur away ez Paris is ; I love to see her stick her claws In them infarnal Pharisees ; It 's wal enough agin a king To dror resolves an' triggers, — THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 121 But libbaty 's a kind o' thing Tliet don't agree with niggers. I du believe the people want A tax on teas an' coffees, Thet nothin' aint extravygunt, — Purvidin' I 'm in office ; Fer I hev loved my country sence My eye-teeth filled their sockets, An' Uncle Sam I reverence, Partic'larly his pockets. I du believe in any plan O' levyin' the taxes, Ez long ez, like a lumberman, I git jest wut I axes : I go free-trade thru thick an' thin. Because it kind o' rouses The folks to vote, — an' keeps us in Our quiet custom-houses. I du believe it 's wise an' good To sen' out furrin missions, Thet is, on sartin understood An' orthydox conditions ; — I mean nine thousan' dolls, per ann., Nine thousan' more fer outfit, An' me to recommend a man The place 'ould jest about fit. 122 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. I du believe in special ways O' prayin' an' convartin' ; The bread comes back in many days, An' buttered, tu, f er sartin ; — I mean in preyin' till one busts On wut the party chooses. An' in convartin' public trusts To very privit uses. I du believe hard coin the stuff Fer 'lectioneers to spout on ; The people 's oilers soft enough To make hard money out on ; Dear Uncle Sam pervides fer his, An' gives a good-sized junk to all, - I don't care how hard money is, Ez long ez mine 's paid punctooal. I du believe with all my soul In the gret Press's freedom. To pint the people to the goal An' in the traces lead 'em ; Palsied the arm thet forges yokes At my fat contracts squintin'. An' withered be the nose thet pokes Inter the gov'ment printin' ! I du believe thet I should give Wut 's his'n unto Caesar, THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 123 Fer it 's by him I move an' live, Frum him my bread an' cheese air ; I clu believe thet all o' me Doth bear his souperscription, — Will, conscience, honor, honesty. An' things o' thet description. I du believe in prayer an' praise To him thet hez the grantin' O' jobs, — in every thin' thet pays. But most of all in Cantin' ; This doth my cup with marcies fill. This lays all thought o' sin to rest, — I don't believe in princerple, But, O, I du in interest. I du believe in bein' this Or thet, ez it may happen One vray or t' other hendiest is To ketch the people nappin' ; It aint by princerples nor men My preudunt course is steadied, — I scent wich pays the best, an' then Go into it baldheaded. I du believe thet holdin' slaves Comes nat'ral tu a Presidunt, Let 'lone the rowdedow it saves To hev a wal-broke precedunt ; 124 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Fer any office, small or gret, I could n't ax with no face, Without I 'd ben, thru dry an' wet, Th' unrizzest kind o' doughface. I du believe wutever trash '11 keep the people in blindness, — Thet we the Mexicuns can thrash Right inter brotherly kindness, Thet bombshells, grape, an' powder 'n' ball Air good-will's strongest magnets, Thet peace, to make it stick at all, Must be druv in with bagnets. In short, I firmly du believe In Humbug generally, Fer it 's a thing thet I perceive To hev a solid vally ; This heth my faithful shepherd ben, In pasturs sweet heth led me. An' this '11 keep the people green To feed ez they hev fed me. [I subjoin here another passage from my before- mentioned discourse. " Wonderful, to him that has eyes to see it rightly, is the newspaper. To me, for example, sitting on the critical front bench of the pit, in my study here in Jaalam, the advent of my weekly journal is as that of a strolling theatre, or rather of a puppet- THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 125 show, on whose stage, narrow as it is, the tragedy, comedy, and farce of life are played in little. Be- hold the whole huge earth sent to me hebdomadally in a brown-paper wrapper ! " Hither, to my obscure corner, by wind or steam, on horse-back, or dromedary-back, in the pouch of the Indian runner, or clicking over the magnetic wires, troop all the famous performers from the four quarters of the globe. Looked at from a point of criticism, tiny puppets they seem all, as the • editor sets up his booth upon my desk and officiates as showman. Now I can truly see how little and tran- sitory is life. The earth appears almost as a drop of vinegar, on wliich the solar microscope of the im- agination must be brought to bear in order to make out anything distinctly. That animalcule there, in the pea-jacket, is Louis Philippe, just landed on the coast of England. That other, in the gray sur- tout and cocked hat, is Napoleon Bonaparte Smith, assuring France that she need apprehend no inter- ference from him in the present alarming juncture. At that spot, where you seem to see a speck of something in motion, is an immense mass-meeting. Look sharper, and you will see a mite brandishing his mandibles in an excited manner. That is the great Mr. Soandso, defining his position amid tumul- tuous and irrepressible cheers. That infinitesimal creature, upon whom some score of others, as minute as he, are gazing in open-mouthed admiration, is a famous philosopher, expoundmg to a select audience their capacity for the Infinite. That scarce discern- ible pufflet of smoke and dust is a revolution. That speck there is a reformer, just arranging the lever 126 THE BIG LOW PAPERS. with whicli he is to move the world. And lo, there creeps forward the shadow of a skeleton that blows one breath between its grinning teeth, and all our distinguished actors are whisked off the slippery- stage into the dark Beyond. " Yes, the little show-box has its solemner sugges- tions. Now and then we catch a glimpse of a grim old man, who lays down a scythe and hour-glass in the corner while he shifts the scenes. There, too, in the dim back-ground, a weird shape is ever delv- ing. Sometimes he leans upon his mattock, and gazes, as a coach whirls by, bearing the newly mar- ried on their wedding jaunt, or glances carelessly at a babe brought home from christening. Sud- denly (for the scene grows larger and larger as we look) a bony hand snatches back a performer in the midst of his part, and him, whom yesterday two in- finities (past and future) would not suffice, a handful of dust is enough to cover and silence forever. Nay, we see the same fleshless fingers opening to clutch the showman himself, and guess, not without a shud- der, that they are lying in wait for spectator also. " Think of it : for three dollars a year I buy a season-ticket to this great Globe Theatre, for which God would write the dramas (only that we like farces, spectacles, and the tragedies of Apollyon better), whose scene-shifter is Time, and whose cur- tain is rung down by Death. " Such thoughts will occur to me sometimes as I am tearing off the wrapper of my newspaper. Then suddenly that otherwise too often vacant sheet be- comes invested for me with a strange kind of awe. Look ! deaths and marriages, notices of inventions, THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 127 discoveries, and books, lists of promotions, of killed, wounded, and missing, news of fires, accidents, of sudden wealth and as sudden poverty ; — I hold in my hand the ends of myriad invisible electric con- ductors, along which tremble the joys, sorrows, wrongs, triumphs, hopes, and despairs of as many men and women everywhere. So that upon that mood of mind which seems to isolate me from man- kind as a spectator of their puppet-pranks, another supervenes, in which I feel that I, too, unknown and unheard of, am yet of some import to my fellows. For, through my newspaper here, do not families take pains to send me, an entire stranger, news of a death among them ? Are not here two who would have me know of their marriage ? And, strangest of all, is not this singular person anxious to have me informed that he has received a fresh supply of Dimitry Bruisgins ? But to none of us does the Present (even if for a moment discerned as such) con- tinue miraculous. We glance carelessly at the sun- rise, and get used to Orion and the Pleiades. The wonder wears off, and to-morrow this sheet, in which a vision was let down to me from Heaven, shall be the wrappage to a bar of soap or the platter for a beggar's broken victuals." — H. W.] No. VII. A LETTER FROM A CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY IN AN- SWER TO SUTTIN QUESTIONS PROPOSED BY MR. HOSEA BIGLOW, INCLOSED IN A NOTE FROM MR. BIGLOW TO S. H. GAY, ESQ., EDITOR OF THE NATIONAL ANTI-SLAVERY STANDARD. [Curiosity may be said to be tbe quality wbieh preeminently distinguishes and segregates man from the lower animals. As we trace the scale of ani- mated nature downward, we find this faculty of the mind (as it may truly be called) dimiaished in the savage, and quite extinct in the brute. The first ob- ject which civilized man proposes to himself I take to be the finding out whatsoever he can concerning his neighbors. Nihil humanum a me alienum puto; I am curious even about John Smith. The desire next in strength to this (an opposite pole, indeed, of the same magnet) is that of communicating intelligence. Men in general may be divided into the inquisitive and the communicative. To the first class belong Peeping Toms, eaves-droppers, navel-contemplating Brahmins, metaphysicians, travellers, Empedocleses, spies, the various societies for promoting Rhino- thism, Columbuses, Yankees, discoverers, and men of science, who present themselves to the mind as so many marks of interrogation wandering up and down THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 129 the world, or sitting in studies and laboratories. The second class I should again subdivide into four. In the first subdivision I would rank those who have an itch to tell us about themselves, — as keepers of diaries, insignificant persons generally, Montaignes, Horace Walpoles, autobiographers, poets. The sec- ond includes those who are anxious to impart infor- mation concerning other people, — as historians, bar- bers, and such. To the third belong those who labor to give us intelligence about nothing at all, — as nov- elists, political orators, the large majority of authors, preachers, lecturers, and the like. In the fourth come those who are communicative from motives of public benevolence, — as finders of mares'-nests and bringers of ill news. Each of us two-legged fowls without feathers embraces all these subdivisions in himself to a greater or less degree, for none of us so much as lays an egg, or incubates a chalk one, but straightway the whole barn-yard shall know it by our cackle or our cluck. Omnibus hoc vitium est. There are different grades in all these classes. One will turn his telescope toward a back-yard, another toward Uranus ; one will tell you that he dined with Smith, another that he supped with Plato. In one particular, all men may be considered as belonging to the first grand division, inasmuch as they all seem equally desirous of discovering the mote in their neighbor's eye. To one or another of these species every human being may safely be referred. I think it beyond a peradventure that Jonah prosecuted some inquiries into the digestive apparatus of whales, and that Noah sealed up a letter in an empty bottle, that news in 130 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. regard to him might not be wanting in case of the worst. They had else been super or subter human. I conceive, also, that, as there are certain persons who continually peep and pry at the key-hole of that mysterious door through which, sooner or later, we all make our exits, so there are doubtless ghosts fidg- eting and fretting on the other side of it, because they have no means of conveying back to the world the scraps of news they have picked up. For there is an answer ready somewhere to every question, the great law of give and take runs through all nature, and if we see a hook, we may be sure that an eye is waiting for it. I read in every face I meet a standing adver- tisement of uiformation wanted in regard to A. B., or that the friends of CD. can hear of him by appli- cation to such a one. It was to gratify the two great passions of asking and answering that epistolary correspondence was first invented. Letters (for by this usurped title epistles are now commonly known) are of several kinds. First, there are those which are not letters at all, — as letters patent, letters dimissory, letters in- closing bills, letters of administration, Pliny's letters, letters of diplomacy, of Cato, of Mentor, of Lords Lyttelton, Chesterfield, and Orrery, of Jacob Beh- men, Seneca (whom St. Jerome includes in his list of sacred writers), letters from abroad, from sons in col- lege to their fathers, letters of marque, and letters generally, which are in no wise letters of mark. Second, are real letters, such as those of Gray, Cow- per, Walpole, Howel, Lamb, the first letters from children (printed in staggering capitals). Letters from New York, letters of credit, and others, inter- THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 131 esting for the sake of the writer or the thing written. I have read also letters from Europe by a gentle- man named Pinto, containing some curious gossip, and which I hope to see collected for the benefit of the curious. There are, besides, letters addressed to posterity, — as epitaphs, for example, written for their own monuments by monarchs, whereby we have lately become possessed of the names of several great conquerors and kings of kings, hitherto unheard of and still impronounceable, but valuable to the stu- dent of the entirely dark ages. The letter wliich St. Peter sent to King Pepin in the year of grace 755 I would place in a class by itself, as also the letters of candidates, concerning which I shall dilate more fully in a note at the end of the following poem. At pres- ent, sat prata hiberunt. Only, concerning the shape of letters, they are all either square or oblong, to which general figures circular letters and round- robins also conform themselves. — H. W.] Deer sir its gut to be the fashun now to rite letters to the candid 8s and i wus chose at a publick Meetin in Jaalam to du wut wus nessary fur that town, i writ to 271 ginerals and gut ansers to 209. tha air called candid 8s but I don't see nothin can- did about em. this here 1 wich I send wus thought satty's factory. I dunno as it's ushle to print Poscrips, but as all the ansers I got hed the saim, I sposed it wus best. times has gretly changed. Formerly to 132 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. knock a man into a cocked liat wus to use him up, but now it only gives Mm a ckance fur the cheef madgustracy. — H. B. Dear Sir, — You wish to know my notions On sartin pints thet rile the land ; There 's nothin' thet my nature so shuns Ez bein' mum or underhand ; I 'm a straight-spoken kind o' creetur Thet blurts right out wut 's in his head, An' ef I 've one pecooler feetur, It is a nose thet wmit be led. So, to begin at the beginnin', An' come direcly to the pint, I think the country's imderpinnin' Is some consid'ble out o' jint ; I aint agoin' to try your patience By teUin' who done this or thet, I don't make no insinooations, I jest let on I smell a rat. Thet is, I mean, it seems to me so, But, ef the pubHc think I 'm wrong, I wunt deny but wut I be so, — An,' fact, it don't smeU very strong ; My mind 's tu fair to lose its balance An' say wich party hez most sense ; There may be folks o' greater talence Thet can't set stiddier on the fence. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 133 I 'm an eclectic ; ez to choosin' Twixt tliis an' thet, I 'm plaguy lawth ; I leave a side thet looks like losin', But (wile there 's doubt) I stick to both ; I Stan' upon the Constitution, Ez preudunt statesmun say, who 've planned A way to git the most profusion O' chances ez to ware they '11 stand. Ez f er the war, I go agin it, — I mean to say I kind o' du, — Thet is, I mean thet, bein' in it, The best way wuz to fight it thru ; Not but wut abstract war is horrid, I sign to thet with all my heart, — But civlyzation doos git forrid Sometimes upon a powder-cart. About thet darned Proviso matter I never hed a grain o' doubt, Nor I aint one my sense to scatter So 's no one could n't pick it out ; My love fer North an' South is equil, So I '11 jest answer plump an' frank, No matter wut may be the sequil, — Yes, Sir, I am agin a Bank. Ez to the answerin' o' questions, I 'm an off ox at bein' druv. Though I aint one thet ary test shuns '11 give our folks a helpin' shove ; 134 THE B J GLOW PAPERS. Kind o' promiscoous I go it Fer the holl country, an' the ground I take, ez nigh ez I can show it, Is pooty gen' ally all round. I don't appruve o' givin' pledges ; You 'd ough' to leave a feUer free An' not go knockin' out the wedges To ketch his fingers in the tree ; Pledges air awfle breachy cattle Thet preudunt farmers don't turn out, Ez long 'z the people git their rattle, Wut is there fer 'm to grout about ? Ez to the slaves, there 's no confusion In my idees consarnin' them, — I think they air an Institution, A sort of — yes, jest so, ahem : Do I own any ? Of my merit On thet pint you yourself may jedge ; All is, I never drink no sperit, Nor I haint never signed no pledge. , Ez to my principles, I glory In hevin' nothin' o' the sort ; I aint a Wig, I aint a Tory, I 'm jest a candidate, in short ; Thet 's fair an' square an' parpendicler But, ef the Public cares a fig To hev me an' thin' in particler, Wy, I 'm a kind o' peri-wig. THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 135 P. s. Ez we 're a sort o' privateerin', O' course, you know, it 's sheer an* sheer, An' there is sutthin' wuth your hearin' I '11 mention in your privit ear ; Ef you git me inside the White House, Your head with ile I '11 kin' o' 'nint By gittin' you inside the Light-house Down to the eend 'o Jaalam Pint. An' ez the North hez took to brustlin* At bein' scrouged frum off the roost, I 'U tell ye wut '11 save all tusslin' An' give our side a harnsome boost, — Tell 'em thet on the Slavery question I 'm RIGHT, although to speak I 'm lawth. This gives you a safe pint to rest on, An' leaves me frontin' South by North. [And now of epistles candidatial, which are of two kinds, — namely, letters of acceptance, and letters definitive of position. Our republic, on the eve of an election, may safely enough be called a republic of letters. Epistolary composition becomes then an epidemic, which seizes one candidate after another, not seldom cutting short the thread of political life. It has come to such a pass, that a party dreads less the attacks of its opponents than a letter from its candidate. Litera scripta manet, and it will go hard 136 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. if something bad cannot be made of it. General Har- rison, it is well understood, was surrounded, during . his candidacy, with the cordon sanitaire of a vigilance committee. No prisoner in Spielberg was ever more cautiously deprived of writing materials. The soot was scraped carefully from the chimney-places ; out- posts of expert rifle-shooters rendered it sure death for any goose (who came clad in feathers) to ap- proach within a certain limited distance of North Bend ; and all domestic fowls about the premises were reduced to the condition of Plato's original man. By these precautions the General was saved. Parva componere magnis, I remember, that, when party-spirit once ran high among my people, upon occasion of the choice of a new deacon, I, having my preferences, yet not caring too openly to express them, made use of an innocent fraud to bring about the result which I deemed most desirable. My strat- agem was no other than the throwing a copy of the Complete Letter- Writer in the way of the candidate whom I wished to defeat. He caught the infection, and addressed a short note to his constituents, in which the opposite party detected so many and so grave improprieties (he had modelled it upon the let- ter of a young lady accepting a proposal of marriage), that he not only lost his election, but, falling under a suspicion of Sabellianism and I know not what (the widow Endive assured me that he was a Paralipome- non, to her certain knowledge), was forced to leave the town. Thus it is that the letter killeth. The object which candidates propose to themselves in writing is to convey no meaning at all. And here is a quite unsuspected pitfall into which they succes- THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 137 sively pluDge headlong. For it is precisely in such cryptographies that mankind are prone to seek for and find a wonderful amount and variety of signifi- cance. Omne ignotum pro mirifico. How do we ad- mire at the antique world striving to crack those oracular nuts from Delphi, Hammon, and elsewhere, in only one of which can I so much as surmise that any kernel had ever lodged ; that, namely, wherein Apollo confessed that he was mortal. One Didynms is, moreover, related to have written six thousand books on the single subject of grammar, a topic ren- dered only more tenebrific by the labors of his succes- sors, and which seems still to possess an attraction for authors in proportion as they can make nothing of it. A singular loadstone for theologians, also, is the Beast in the Apocalypse, whereof, in the course of my studies, I have noted two hundred and three several interpretations, each lethiferal to all the rest. Non nostrum est tantas componere lites, yet I have my- self ventured upon a two hundred and fourth, which I embodied in a discourse preached on occasion of the demise of the late usurper, Napoleon Bonaparte, and which quieted, in a large measure, the minds of my people. It is true that my views on this important point were ardently controverted by Mr. Shearjashub Holden, the then preceptor of our academy, and in other particulars a very deserving and sensible young man, though possessing a somewhat limited knowl- edge of the Greek tongue. But liis heresy struck down no deep root, and, he having been lately re- moved by the hand of Providence, I had the satis- faction of reaffirming my cherished sentiments in a sermon preached upon the Lord's day immediately 138 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. succeeding his funeral. This might seem like taking an unfair advantage, did I not add that he had made provision in his last will (being celibate) for the pub- lication of a posthumous tractate in support of his own dangerous opinions. I know of nothing in our modern times which ap- proaches so nearly to the ancient oracle as the letter of a Presidential candidate. Now, among the Greeks, the eating of beans was strictly forbidden to all such as had it in mind to consult those expert amphibolo- gists, and this same prohibition on the part of Py- thagoras to his disciples is understood to imply an abstinence from politics, beans having been used as ballots. That other explication, quod videlicet sensus eo cibo obtundi existimaret, though supported pugnis et calcibus by many of the learned, and not wanting the countenance of Cicero, is confuted by the larger ex- perience of New England. On the whole, I think it safer to apply here the rule of interpretation which now generally obtains in regard to antique cosmogo- nies, myths, fables, proverbial expressions, and knotty points generally, which is, to find a common-sense meaning, and then select whatever can be imagined the most opposite thereto. In this way we arrive at the conclusion, that the Greeks objected to the ques- tioning of candidates. And very properly, if, as I conceive, the chief point be not to discover what a person in that position is, or what he will do, but whether he can be elected. Vos exemplaria GrcBca nocturna versate manu, versate diurna. But, since an imitation of the Greeks in this par- ticular (the asking of questions being one chief privi- lege of freemen) is hardly to be hoped for, and our THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 139 candidates will answer, whether they are questioned or not, I would recommend that these ante-election- ary dialogues should be carried on by symbols, as were the diplomatic correspondences of the Scythians and Macrobii, or confined to the language of signs, like the famous interview of Panurge and Goatsnose. A candidate might then convey a suitable reply to all committees of inquiry by closing one eye, or by pre- senting them with a phial of Egyptian darkness to be speculated upon by their respective constituencies. These answers would be susceptible of whatever re- trospective construction the exigencies of the politi- cal campaign might seem to demand, and the candi- date could take his position on either side of the fence with entire consistency. Or, if letters must be writ- ten, profitable use might be made of the Dighton rock hieroglyphic or the cuneiform script, every fresh decipherer of which is enabled to educe a different meaning, whereby a sculptured stone or two supplies us, and will probably continue to supply posterity, with a very vast and various body of authentic his- tory. For even the briefest epistle in the ordinary chirography is dangerous. There is scarce any style so compressed that superfluous words may not be detected in it. A severe critic might curtail that famous brevity of Caesar's by two thirds, drawing his pen through the supererogatory veni and vidi. Per- haps, after all, the surest footing of hope is to be found in the rapidly increasing tendency to demand less and less of qualification in candidates. Already have statesmanship, experience, and the possession (nay, the profession, even) of principles been rejected as superfluous, and may not the patriot reasonably 140 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. hope tliat the ability to write will follow ? At pres- ent, there may be death in pot-hooks as well as pots, the loop of a letter may suffice for a bow-string, and all the dreadful heresies of Anti-slavery may lurk in a flourish. — H. W.] No. VIII. A SECOND LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, Esq. [In the following epistle, we behold Mr. Sawin returning, a miles emeritus, to the bosom of his family. Quantum mutatus ! The good Father of us all had doubtless intrusted to the keeping of this child of his certain faculties of a constructive kind. He had put in him a share of that vital force, the nicest economy of every minute atom of which is necessary to the perfect development of Humanity. He had given him a brain and heart, and so had equipped his soul with the two strong wings of knowledge and love, whereby it can mount to hang its nest under the eaves of heaven. And this child, so dowered, he had in- trusted to the keeping of his vicar, the State. How stands the account of that stewardship ? The State, or Society (call her by what name you will), had taken no manner of thought of him till she saw him swept out into the street, the pitiful leavings of last night's debauch, with cigar-ends, lemon-parings, to- bacco-quids, slops, vile stenches, and the whole loath- some next-morning of the bar-room, — an own child of the Almighty God ! I remember him as he was brought to be christened, a ruddy, rugged babe ; and now there he wallows, reeking, seething, — the dead corpse, not of a man, but of a soul, — a putrefying 142 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. lump, horrible for the life that is in it. Comes the wind of heaven, that good Samaritan, and parts the hair upon his forehead, nor is too nice to kiss those parched, cracked lips ; the morning opens upon him her eyes full of pitying sunshine, the sky yearns down to him, — and there he lies fermenting. O sleep ! let me not profane thy holy name by calling that stertorous unconsciousness a slumber ! By and by comes along the State, God's vicar. Does she say, " My poor, forlorn foster-child ! Behold here a force which I will make dig and plant and build for me ? " Not so, but, " Here is a recruit ready-made to my hand, a piece of destroying energy lying unprofitably idle." So she claps an ugly gray suit on him, puts a musket in his grasp, and sends him off, with Guber- natorial and other godspeeds, to do duty as a de- stroyer. I made one of the crowd at the last Mechanics' Fair, and, with the rest, stood gazing in wonder at a perfect machine, with its soul of fire, its boiler-heart that sent the hot blood pulsing along the iron arteries, and its thews of steel. And while I was admiring the adaptation of means to end, the harmonious involu- tions of contrivance, and the never-bewildered com- plexity, I saw a grimed and greasy fellow, the im- perious engine's lackey and drudge, whose sole office was to let fall, at intervals, a drop or two of oil upon a certain joint. Then my soul said within me. See there a piece of mechanism to which that other you marvel at is but as the rude first effort of a child, — a force which not merely suffices to set a few wheels in motion, but which can send an impulse all through the infinite future, — a contrivance, not for turning THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 143 out pins, or stitching button-holes, but for making Hamlets and Lears. And yet this thing of iron shall be housed, waited on, guarded from rust and dust, and it shall be a crime but so much as to scratch it with a pin ; while the other, with its fire of God in it, shall be buffeted hither and thither, and finally sent carefully a thousand miles to be the target for a Mexican cannon-ball. Unthrifty Mother State ! My heart burned within me for pity and indignation, and I renewed this covenant with my own soul, — In aliis mansuetus ero, at, in hlasphemiis contra Christum non ita.—U.W.-] I SPOSE you wonder ware I be ; I can't tell, fer the soul o' me, Exacly ware I be myself, — meanin' by tliet the holl o' me. Wen I left hum, I lied two legs, an' they worn't bad ones neither, (The scaliest trick they ever played wuz bringin' on me hither,) Now one on 'em 's I dunno ware ; — they thought I wuz adyin', An' sawed it off because they said 't wuz kin' o' mortifyin' ; I 'm willin' to believe it wuz, an' yit I don't see, nuther, Wy one should take to feelin' cheajD a minnit sooner 'n t' other, Sence both wuz equilly to blame ; but things is ez they be ; 144 TEE B I GLOW PAPERS. It took on so they took it off, an' thet 's enough far me : There 's one good thing, though, to be said about my wooden new one, — The liquor can't git into it ez 't used to in the true one ; So it saves drink ; an' then, besides, a feller could n't beg A gretter blessin' then to hev one oilers sober peg; It 's true a chap 's in want o' two fer follerin' a drum. But all the march I 'm up to now is jest to King- dom Come. I 've lost one eye, but thet 's a loss it 's easy to supply Out o' the glory thet I 've gut, fer thet is all my eye; An' one is big enough, I guess, by diligently usin' it. To see aU I shall ever git by way o' pay fer losin' it ; Off'cers, I notice, who git paid fer all our thumps an' kickins, Du wal by keepin' single eyes arter the fattest pickins ; So, ez the eye 's put fairly out, I '11 larn to go without it, An' not allow myself to be no gret put out about it. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 145 Now, le' me see, that is n't all ; I used, 'fore leavin' Jaalam, To count things on my finger-eends, but sutthin' seems to ail 'em : Ware 's my left hand ? O, darn it, yes, I recollect wut 's come on 't ; I haint no left arm but my right, an' thet 's gut jest a thumb on 't ; It aint so hendy ez it \\aiz to cal'late a sum on 't. I 've hed some ribs broke, — six (I b'lieve), — I haint kep* no account on 'em ; "Wen pensions git to be the talk, I '11 settle the amount on 'em. An' now I 'm speakin' about ribs, it kin' o' brings to mind One thet I could n't never break, — the one I lef ' behind ; Ef you should see her, jest clear out the spout o' your invention An' pour the longest sweetnin' in about an an- nooal pension. An' kin' o' hint (in case, you know, the critter should refuse to be Consoled) I aint so 'xpensive now to keep ez wut I used to be ; There 's one arm less, ditto one eye, an' then the leg thet 's wooden Can be took off an' sot away wenever ther' s a puddin'. 146 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. I spose you think I 'in comin' back ez opperlunt ez thunder, With shiploads o' gold images an' varus sorts o' plunder ; Wal, 'fore I vullinteered, I thought this country wuz a sort o' Canaan, a regl'ar Promised Land flowin' with rum an' water, Ware propaty growed up like time, without no cultivation, An' gold wuz dug ez taters be among our Yankee nation, Ware nateral advantages were pufficly amazin', Ware every rock there wuz about with precious stuns wuz blazin', Ware mill-sites filled the country up ez thick ez you could cram 'em. An' desput rivers run about abeggin' folks to dam 'em ; Then there were meetinhouses, tu, chockful o' gold an' silver Thet you could take, an' no one could n't hand ye in no bill f er ; — Thet 's wut I thought afore I went, thet 's wut them, fellers told us Thet stayed to hum an' speechified an' to the buzzards sold us ; I thought thet gold mines could be gut cheaper than china asters. An' see myself acomin' back like sixty Jacob Astors ; THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 147 But sech idees soon melted down an' did n't leave a grease-spot ; I vow my holl sheer o' the spiles would n't come nigh a V spot ; Although, most anywares we 've ben, you need n't break no locks, Nor run no kin' o' risks, to fill your pocket full o' rocks. I guess I mentioned in my last some o' the nateral feeturs O' this all-fiered buggy hole in th' way o' awfle creeturs, But I fergut to name (new things to speak on so abounded) How one day you 'U most die o' thust, an' 'fore the next git drownded. The clyrait seems to me jest like a teapot made o' pewter Our Prudence hed, thet would n't pour (all she could du) to suit her ; Fust place the leaves 'ould choke the spout, so 's not a drop 'ould dreen out, Then Prude 'ould tip an' tip an' tip, till the holl kit bust clean out, The kiver-hinge-pin bein' lost, tea-leaves an' tea an' kiver 'ould all come down kerstvosh I ez though the dam broke in a river. Jest so 't is here ; holl months there aint a day o' rainy weather, 148 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. An' jest ez th' officers 'ould be alayin' heads to- gether Ez t' how they 'd mix their drink at sech a mil- ingtary deepot, — 'T 'ould pour ez though the hd wuz off the ever- lastin' teapot. The cons'quence is, thet I shall take, wen I'm allowed to leave here, One piece o' propaty along, — an' thet 's the shakin' fever ; It 's reggilar employment, though, an' thet aint thought to harm one, Nor 't aint so tiresome ez it wuz with t' other leg an' arm on ; An' it 's a consolation, tu, although it doos n't pay, To hev it said you 're some gret shakes in any kin' of way. 'T worn't very long, I tell ye wut, I thought o' fortin-makin', — One day a reg'lar shiver-de-freeze, an' next ez good ez bakin', — One day abrilin' in the sand, then smoth'rin' in the mashes, — Git up all sound, be put to bed a mess o' hacks an' smashes. But then, thinks I, at any rate there 's glory to be hed, — Thet 's an investment, arter all, thet may n't turn out so bad : THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 149 But somehow, wen we 'd fit an' licked, I oilers found the thanks Gut kin' o' lodged afore they come ez low down ez the ranks ; The Gin'rals gut the biggest sheer, the Cunnles next an' so on, — We never gut a blasted mite o' glory ez I know on. An' spose we hed, I wonder how you 're goin' to contrive its Division so 's to give a piece to twenty thousand privits ; Ef you should multiply by ten the portion o' the brav'st one. You would n't git more 'n half enough to speak of on a grave-stun ; We git the licks, — we 're jest the grist thet 's put into War's hoppers ; Leftenants is the lowest grade thet helps pick up the coppers. It may suit folks thet go agin a body with a soul in 't, An' aint contented with a hide without a bagnet hole in 't ; But glory is a kin' o' thing / shan't pui'sue no fui^der, Coz thet 's the off'cers parquisite, — yourn 's on'y jest the murder. Wal, arter I gin glory up, thinks I at least there 's one 150 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Thing in the bills we aint hed yit, an' thet 's the GLOKIOUS FUN ; Ef once we git to Mexico, we fairly may persume we All day an' night shall revel in the halls o' Mon- tezumy. I '11 tell ye wut rny revels wuz, an' see how you would like 'em ; We never gut inside the hall : the nighest ever /come Wuz stan'in' sentry in the sun (an', fact, it seemed a cent'ry) A ketchin' smells o' biled an' roast thet come out thru the entry, An' hearin', ez I sweltered thru my passes an' repasses, A rat-tat-too o' knives an' forks, a clinkty-clink o' glasses : I can't tell off the bill o' fare the Gin'rals hed inside ; All I know is, thet out o' doors a pair o' soles wuz fried. An' not a hunderd miles away frum ware this child wuz posted, A Massachusetts citizen wuz baked an' biled an' roasted ; The on'y thing like revellin' thet ever come to me Wuz bein' routed out o' sleep by thet darned re- velee. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 151 They say the quai'rel 's settled now ; fer my part I 've some doubt on 't, 'T '11 take more fish-skin than folks think to take the rile clean out on 't ; At any rate, I 'm so used up I can't do no more fightin, The on'y chance thet 's left to me is politics or writin' ; Now, ez the people 's gut to hev a milingtary man. An' I aint nothin' else jest now, I 've hit upon a plan ; The can'idatin' line, you know, 'ould suit me to aT, An' ef I lose, 't wunt hurt my ears to lodge an- other flea ; So I '11 set up ez can'idate fer any kin' o' office, (I mean fer any thet includes good easy-cheers an soffies ; Fer ez to runnin' fer a place ware work 's the time o' day. You know thet s' wut I never did, — except the other way ;) Ef it 's the Presidential cheer fer wich I 'd better run, Wut two legs anjrwares about could keep up with my one ? There aint no kin' o' quality in can'idates, it 's said, So useful ez a wooden leg, — except a wooden head ; 152 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. There 's nothin' aint so poppylar — (wy, it 's a parfect sin To think wut Mexico hez paid fer Santy Anny's pin ;) — Then I haint gut no principles, an', sence I wuz knee-high, I never did hev any gret, ez you can testify ; I 'm a decided peace-man, tu, an' go agin the war, — Fer now the holl on 't 's gone an' past, wut is there to go for ? Ef, wile you 're 'lectioneerin' round, some curus chaps should beg To know my views o' state affairs, jest answer WOODEN LEG ! Ef they aint settisfied with thet, an' kin' o' pry an' doubt An' ax fer sutthin' deffynit, jest say one eye PUT OUT ! Thet kin' o' talk I guess you '11 find '11 answer to a charm, An wen you 're druv tu nigh the wall, hoi' up my missin' arm ; Ef they should nose round fer a pledge, put on a vartoous look An' tell 'em thet 's percisely wut I never gin nor — took ! Then you can call me " Timbertoes," — thet 's wut the people likes ; THE BIGLOiv PAPERS. 153 Sutthin' combinin' morril truth with phrases sech ez strikes ; Some say the people 's fond o' this, or thet, or wut you please, — I tell ye wut the people want is jest correct idees ; " Old Timbertoes," you see, 's a creed it 's safe to be quite bold on, There 's nothin' in 't the other side can any ways git hold on ; It 's a good tangible idee, a sutthin' to embody Thet valooable class o' men who look thru bran- dy toddy ; It gives a Party Platform, tu, jest level with the mind Of aU right-thinkin', honest folks thet mean to go it blind ; Then there air other good hooraws to dror on ez you need 'em, Sech ez the one-eyed Slarterer, the bloody BiRDOFREDUM ; Them 's wut takes hold o' folks thet think, ez well ez o' the masses, An' makes you sartin o' the aid o' good men of aU classes. There 's one thing I 'm in doubt about, in order to be Presidunt, It 's absolutely ne'ssary to be a Southern residunt ; The Constitution settles thet, an' also thet a feller 154 THE BIGLO W PAPERS. Must own a nigger o' some sort, jet black, or brown, or yeller. Now I haint no objections agin particklar climes, Nor agin ownin' anythin' (except the truth some- times). But, ez I haint no capital, up there among ye, may be. You might raise funds enough fer me to buy a low-priced baby. An' then, to suit the No'thern folks, who feel obleeged to say They hate an' cuss the very thing they vote fer every day, Say you 're assured I go full butt fer Libbaty's diffusion An' made the purchis on'y jest to spite the In- stitootion ; — But, golly ! there 's the currier's hoss upon the pavement pawin' ! I '11 be more 'xplicit in my next. Yourn, BIRDOFREDOM SAWIN. [We have now a tolerably fair chance of estimat- ing how the balance-sheet stands between our re- turned volunteer and glory. Supposing the entries to be set down on both sides of the account in frac- tional parts of one hundred, we shall arrive at some- thing like the following result ; — » THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 155 Cr. B. Sawin, Esq By loss of one leg . . 20 " do. one arm . 15 " do. four fingers . 5 *' do. one eye . 10 " the breaking of six ribs 6 " having served under Colonel Gushing one month . . .44 in account with (Blank) Glory. Dr To one 675th three cheers in Faneuil Hall . " do. do. on occasion of presentation of sword to Colonel Wright . " one suit of gray clothes (ingeniously unbecom- ing) .... "musical entertainments (drum and fife six months) . " one dinner after return, " chance of pension "privilege of drawing long bow during rest of natural life 30 25 15 E. E. 100 100 It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill of fare adver- tised in Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary- object seems to have been the making of his fortune. Qucerenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos. He hoisted sail for Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames ? The speculation has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South 156 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. America, and stout Sir Jolm Hawkins testifies to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abun- dantly in Lynn and elsewhere ; and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritions. Of trees bearing men we are not without example ; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree, growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and pre- cious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto un- interested in arboriculture, was so zealous ? In the sylva of our own Southern States, the females of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for com- municating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well, therefore, be classed among the trees pro- ducing necessaries of life, — venerdbile donumfatalis virgcE. That money-trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on every bush, imply a fortiori that there were certain bushes which did produce it ? Again, there is another ancient saw to the eifect that money is the root of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favorable exposures it may be con- THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 157 jectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides ; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth iEneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero pro- cured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a cer- tain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold, — and that, too, on credit and at a bargain, — I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that ^olus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags ? What that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap ? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nomas who traded in favorable breezes ? All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, rais- ing the wind is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period. And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an ad- venture of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated natural-histori- cal and archaeological theories, as I was passing, hoec negotia penitus mecum revolvens, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board. 158 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. — Cheap Cash-Store. Here was at once the con- firmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic fila- ment of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office win- dow, or speculated from the summit of that mirage Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of dis- courses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house, a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town rec- ords, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which Hope in- vests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford matter of argu- ment. Enough that I found that sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. !Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy flies who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of that too frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of THE B I GLOW PAPERS. 159 Saturn is stretched over this Astraea-forsaken nine- teenth century. Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title Sawiti, B., let us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume does not con- tain some charges more personally interesting to our- selves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly appreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the late muck which the country has been running has materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay for ; the poor man is charged as much as the rich ; and, while we are sav- ing and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and balls, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a government official entering my study and handing me the follow- ing bill : — 160 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Washington, Sept. 30, 1848. Rev. Homer Wilbur to Mltcle .Samttei, Dr. To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership ac- count, sundry jobs, as below. " killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexi- cans $2.00 " slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded .10 " extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bom- bardment and one assault) whereby the Mexi- cans were prevented from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high mass . . .3.50 " throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant bombshell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby several female Papists were slain at the altar 50 " his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory 1.75 " do. do. for conquering do. . 1.50 " manuring do. with new superior compost called "American Citizen" 50 " extending the area of freedom and Protestantism . .01 " glory 01 $9.87 Immediate payment is requested. N". B. Thankful for former favors, U. S. requests a con- tinuance of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low as those of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work. I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with " Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir ; but in these days slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one understood that it was ; for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of being glory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 161 ■way home from his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as the place assigned to the " Rever- end Clergy " is just behind that of " Officers of the Army and Navy " in processions, it was my fortune to be seated at the dimier-table over against one of these respectable persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now what does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trowsers thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before me? — H. W.] No. IX. A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, Esq. [Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what river Selemnus has Mr. 8awin bathed, that he has become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves ? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popu- lar favor, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand ; figuratively returning, however, to a figura- tive plough, and from no profound affection for that honored implement of husbandry (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labors. It would seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the recognized stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so minutely exact aS could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for pur- poses of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian back- ground of the stage. This rustic paradise is labelled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinder- hook, or Baton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 163 other painted in proper perspective), which repre- sents, in happy ideal va^ieness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate rushes with delirious joy, wel- comed as a father by appropriate groups of happy laborers, or from it the successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Baton Rouge or Ashland, the laborers are kept carefully in the background, and are heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone resembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike 'V'igorous clapping. This, however, may be artisti- cally in keeping with the habits of the rustic popula- tion of those localities. The precise connection be- tween agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in Gen- eral Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted station. It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jalaam were not un- touched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and 164 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. four fingers reduced him so nearly to the condition of a vox et prceterea nihil, that I could think of noth- ing but the loss of his head by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to balk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, remembering lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant. — H. W.] I SPOSE you recollect that I explained my gennle views In the last billet that I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze, Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up To run unanimously f er the Presidential cup ; O' course it wor n't no wish o' mine, 't wuz f erfle- ly distressin'. But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin' Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered. There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me f orrerd : Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help admittin' The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in, Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed, Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need ; An', tell ye wut, them shoes '11 want a thund'rin* sight o' patchin', Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin' THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 165 A pair o' second Washintons fer every new elec- tion, — Though, fur ez number one's consarned, I don't make no objection. I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law, (They would ha' hed it Father, but I told 'em 't would n't du, Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't spht in tu. An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door. Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore,) But 't aint no matter ez to thet ; wen I wuz nom- ernated, 'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated. An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh, I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh. Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find Strong argiments ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind ; It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis. 166 THE BIG LOW PAPERS. Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis, An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted ; 'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw, Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw ; So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like — like ole (I swow, I dunno ez I know his name) — I '11 go back to my plough. Now, 't aint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation To hint the course you think '11 be the savin' o' the nation ; To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife ain't thought to be the thing, Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing ; So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with me To jest up killock, jam right down their helium hard a lee, Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack, Make f er the safest port they can, wich, I think, is Ole Zack. THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 167 Next thing you 11 want to know, I spose, wut argimimts I seem To see thet makes me think this ere '11 be the strongest team ; Fust place, I 've ben consid'ble round in bar- rooms an' saloons Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons, An' 't aint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, tal- ler, horns, an' skin ; I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see, I did n't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomer- nee; I could ha pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg Higher than him, — a soger, tu, an' with a wood- en leg ; But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm burnin', Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin', Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks, — *T wuz Birdofredum one, Cass aught, an' Taylor twenty-six. An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground, 168 THE B I GLOW PAPERS. They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the drinks all round ; Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my foot By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot. It did n't make no diff 'rence, though ; I wish I may be cust, Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't trust ! Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober j edges Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges ; He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin' But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin' ; This, at the o'ny spot thet pinched, the shoe di- rectly eases, Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he pleases : I want free-trade ; you don't ; the Gin'ral is n't bound to neither ; — I vote my way ; you, yourn ; an' both air sooted to a T there. Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry (He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't sultry) ; THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 169 He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin o' scratch, ez 't ware, Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair; I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate soi*t, An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so differ- ent ez I thought ; They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus ; They 're lilie two pickpockets in league fer Un- cle Samwell's pus ; Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em, Turn all his pockets wi'ong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em ; To nary one on 'em I 'd trust a secon'- handed rail No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail. Webster sot matters right in thet air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n ; — " Taylor," sez he, " aint nary ways the one thet I 'd a chizzen, Nor he aint fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint No more 'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint ; But then," sez he, " obsarve my pint, he 's jest ez good to vote fer 170 THE BIGLOW PAPERS, Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate f er ; Aint it ez easy done to drop a hallot in a box Fer one ez 't is f er t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox ? " It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou' doors To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours ; I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote Fer Taylor arter all, — it 's jest to go an' change your coat ; Wen he 's once greased, you '11 swaller him an' never know on 't, scurce, Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin'ral's spurs. I Ve ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock. But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock ; Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round ; They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one. An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done, THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 171 Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on. But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to Stan' on, An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ 'pants bein gone, Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay- ricks on. I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan, Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van. I used to vote fer Martiil, but, I swan, I 'm clean disgusted, — He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted ; He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be, He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Co- lumby ; An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six. An' then, another thing ; — I guess, though mebby I am wrong. This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong ; Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No- 'thun dough '11 rise. 172 THE BWLOW PAPERS. Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust my eyes ; 'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party 's gut, To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut. But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no endurin' To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren ; — An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap should dare To speak ez he doos ; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear ! I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say his prayers. This brings me to another pint : the leaders o' the party Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty ; They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a fel- ler's morrils Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils. I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see ? A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me, THE BIGLOW PAPERS. 173 About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge An' axed me ef I did n't want to sign the Tem- prunce pledge ! He 's one o' them thet goes about an' sez you hed n't ough' to Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Tamiton water. There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote, oilers, — I take the side thet is n't took by them consarned teetotallers. Ez fer the niggers, I 've ben South, an' thet hez changed my mind ; A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't no- wers find. You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger, Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger ; So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin', I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'. I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp, 'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp ; I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door, 174 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Some little wooUy-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more At fust I thought o' firin', but think twice is saf- est oilers : There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars, Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land, — How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand ! (Not but wut I hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn, — I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.) Soon 'z they see me, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein' A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin' He would n't ha' took a pop at me ; but I hed gut the start, An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he 'd broke his heart ; He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur, The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite ! wus 'an a boy constrictur. " You can't gum me, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try, I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I. THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 175 " Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else 1 11 jest let strip, You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip ; Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster To be benev'lently druv back to a contented mas- ter. Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of, Oi* you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of ; Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead ; Wite folks aint sot by half ez much ; 'member I run away, Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Matty- squmscot bay ; Don' know him, likely ? Spose not : wal, the mean ole codger went An' offered — wut reward, think ? Wal, it worn't no less 'n a cent." Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me. The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me ; We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot 176 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot; Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe, An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe ; I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring, An' sot an' kin' o' cij)hered up how much the lot would bring ; But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind, (Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then,) Pomp he snaked up behind, An', creepin grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink. Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink, An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree, An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see, An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun, Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run. I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alli- gatur THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 177 Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur ; However, ez there wor n't no help, I finally give in An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin. Pomp gethered all the weapins uj), an' then he come an' grinned, He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, " You 're fairly pinned ; Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come, 'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum." At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge. " Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, " either be shot or trudge." So this black-hearted monster took an' act'Uy druv me back Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin* track. An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, hke sin. Till I hed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in ; He made me larn him readin', tu, (although the crittur saw How much it hut my morril sense to act agin the law,) 178 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut ; an' axed ef I could pint The North Star out ; but there I put his nose some out o' jint, Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit, Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it. Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick, Sez, " Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick ; The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap. You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep ; Besides, the childrin 's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd bet- ter toddle ! " Now is there any thin' on airth '11 ever prove to me Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free? D' you think they 'U suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem? Not by a jugfuU ! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go tliru fire an' water ; THE BIG LOW PAPERS. 179 Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter ; No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin', — I guess we 're in a Christian land, — Yourn, BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN. [Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I say patient^ for I love not that kind wliich skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest- winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for. It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting- house save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of Saint John, which 180 THE BIGLOW PAPERS. Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meet- ing with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon ap- preciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opin- ions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the mes- senger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Piano Carpini re- lates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seems effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is pos- sible, that, having been invited into my brother Big- low's desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him. I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of men- tal organization which impels me, like the railroad- engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the under-tow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has caught bottom, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various algce, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the THE BIG LOW PAPERS. l8l angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavored to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the cat- alogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and sub- divisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebrae of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say An- akim rather than Nephelim, because there seem rea- sons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the mnumerable heads of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the second labor of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent. But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influ- ence. Looking out through my study- window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Bald- wins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abun- dant than my own, — by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labors may be more prospered, and apply myself dili- gently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's dis- course. — H. W.] GLOSSARY. A. Act'lly, actually. Air, are. Airth, earth. Airy, area. Aree, area. Arter, after. Ax, ask. Beller, bellow. Bellowses, lungs. Ben, been. Bile, boil. Bimeby, by and by. Blurt out, to speak bluntly. Bust, burst. Buster, a roistering blade ; used also as a general superlative. Caird, carried. Cairn, carrying. Caleb, a turncoat. Cal'late, calculate. Cass, a person with two lives. Close, clothes. Cockerel, a young cock. Cocktail, a kind of drink ; also, an ornament peculiar to sol- diers. Convention, a place where peo- ple are imposed on; a jug- gler'' s show. Coons, a cant term for a now de- funct party; derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being I commonly up a tree. Cornwallis, a sort of muster in I masquerade ; supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to commemo- rate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the place of the old Guy Fawkes proces- sion. Crooked stick, a perverse, fro- ward person. Cunnle, a colonel. Cus, a curse ; also, a pitiful fel- low. Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or pluial number, for dare not, dares not, and dared not. Deacon off, to give the cue to ; derived from a custom, once universal, now extinct, in our New England Congregational churches. An important part of the office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns given out by the minister, one line at a time, the congregation sing- ing each line as soon as read. Demmercrat, leadin', one in fa- vor of extending slavery; a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house. Desput, desperate. Doos, does. Doughface, a contented lickspit- tle; a common variety of Northern politician. Dror, draw. Du, do. Dvmno, dno, do not or does not know. Dut, Dirt. 184 GLOSSARY. E. Eend, end. Ef , if. Emptins, yeast. Env'y, envoy. Everlasting, an intensive, with- out reference to duration. Ev'y, every. Fer, for. Ferfle, tevivl, fearful ; also an in- tensive. ¥ixi\ find. Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee. Fix, a difficulty, a nonplus. Foller, foUy, to follow. Forrerd, forward. Frum, from. Fur, far. Furder, farther. Furrei; furrow. Metaphorically, to draw a straight furrow is to hve uprightly or decorously. Fust, first. G. Gin, gave. Git, get. Gret, great. Grit, spirit, energy, pluck. Grout, to sulk. Grouty, crabbed, surly. Gum, to impose on. Giunp, a foolish fellow, a dul- lard. Gut, got. Hed, had. Heern, heard. Helium, helm. Hendy, handy. Het, heated. Hev, have. Hez, has. Holl, whole. Holt, hold. Huf, hoof. Hull, whole. Hum, home. Humbug, General Taylor'' s anti- slavery. Hut, hurt. Idno, I do not know. In'my, enemy. Insines, ensigns ; used to desig- nate both the officer who car- ries the standard, and the standard itself. Inter, intu, into. Jedge, judge. Jest, just. Jine, join. Jint, joint. Junk, a fragment of any solid substance. Keer, care. Kep, kept. Killock, a small anchor. Kin', kin' o', kinder, kind, kind of Lawth, loath. Let day-light into, to shoot. Let on, to hint, to confess, to own. Lick, to beat, to overcome. Lights, the bowels. Lily-pads, leaves of the water-lily. Long -sweetening, molasses. Mash, marsh. Mean, stingy, ill-natured. MLn' twelve N. Nimepunce, ninepence, and a half cents. Nowers, nowhere. GLOSSARY 185 Off en, often. Ole, old. Oilers, olluz, always. On, of; used before it or them., or at the end of a sentence, as, onH, on 'em, nut ez ever Iheerd on. On'y, only. Ossifer, officer (seldom heard). Peaked, pointed. Peek, to peep. Pickerel, the pike, a fish. Tint, point. Pocket full of rocks, plenty of money. Pooty, pretty. Pop'ler, conceited, popular. Pus, purse. Put out, troubled, vexed. Quarter, a quarter-dollar. Queen's arm, a musket. R. Resh, rush. Revelee, the reveille. Rile, to trouble. Riled, angry ; disturbed, as the sediment in any liquid. Riz, risen. Row, a long row to hoe, a diffi- cult task. Rugged, robust. Sarse, abuse, impertinence. Sartin, certain. Saxon, sacristan, sexton. Scaliest, worst. Scringe, cringe. Scrouge, to crowd. Sech, such. Set by, valued. Shakes, great, of considerable consequence. Shappoes, chapeaux, cocked-hats. Sheer, share. Shet, shut. Shut, shirt. Skeered, scared. Skeeter, mosquito, Skooting, running, or moving swiftly. Slarterin', slaughtering. Slim, contemptible. Snaked, crawled like a snake; but to snake any one out is to track him to his hiding-place ; to snake a thing out is to snatch it out. SoflBes, sofas. Sogerin', soldiering ; a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state. Som'ers, somewhere. So 'st, so as that. Sot, set, obstinate, resolute. Spiles, spoils ; objects of political ambition. Spry, active. Staddles, stout stakes driven into salt marshes, on which the hay- ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high tides. Streaked, uncomfortable, dis- comfited. Suckle, circle. Sutthin', something. Suttin, certain. Take on, to sorrow. Talents, talons. Taters, potatoes. Tell, till. Tetch, touch. Tetch tu, to be able ; used always after a negative in this sense. Tollable, tolerable. Toot, used derisively for playing on any wind instrument. Thru, through. Thundering, a euphemism com- mon in New England, for the profane English expression dev- ilish. Perhaps derived from the belief, common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of the Air, for some of whose accomplisiiments con- sult Cotton Mather. 186 GLOSSARY. Tu, to, too; commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a sentence. At other times it has a sound of < in faugh, as, Ware ye goin'' tu ? Goin'' tu Boston. U. Ugly, ill-tempered, intractable. Uncle Sam, United States; the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves. Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread ; heavy, most unrisen, or most incapable of rising. V spot, a five-dollar bill. Vally, value. W. to get into trouble, Wal, well; spoken with great de- liberation, and sometimes with the a very much flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened. Wannut, walnut (hickory). Ware, where. Ware, were. Whopper, an uncommonly large lie; as, that General Taylor is in favor of the Wilmot Pro- viso. Wig, Whig ; a party now dis- solved. Wunt, will not. Wus, worse. Wut, what. Wuth, worth; as, Antislavery perfessions fore Uection aint wuth a Bungtown copper. Wus, was, sometimes were. T. Taller, yellow. Yeller, yellow. Yellars, a disease of peach-trees. Zach, Ole, a second Washington, an antislavery slaveholder, a humane buyer and seller of men and women, a Christian hero generally. INDEX. A. B., information wanted con- cerning, 130. Adam, eldest son of, respected, 60. JEneas goes to hell, 157. iEolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 157. .^schylus, a saying of, 104, note. Alligator, a decent one conjec- tured to be, in some sort, hu- mane, 176. Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, ISO. Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 86. •' American Citizen," new com- post so called, 160. American Eagle, a source of in- spiration, 96 — hitherto wrong- ly classed, 104 — long bill of, Amos, cited, 85. Anakim, that they formerly ex- isted, shown, 181. Angels, providentially speak French, 73 — conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, ib. Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 70. Anglo-Saxon mask, 71. Anglo-Saxon race, 66. Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 61. I Antonius, a speech of, 91 — by j whom best reported, ib. Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic j to theologians, 137. j Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 137. Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 126. Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 91. Ararat, igporance of foreign tongues is an, 106. Arcadian background, 162. Aristophanes, 84. Arms, profession of, once es- teemed especially that of gen- tlemen, 60. Arnold, 93. Ashland, 162. Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 146. AstriBa, nineteenth century for- saken by, 59. Athenians, ancient, an institu- tion of, 92. Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 114. Austin, St., profane wish of, 94, note. Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 75. B. Babel, probably the first Con- gress, 105 — a gabble-mill, ib. Baby, a low-priced one, 154. Bago\vind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 117. Baldwin apples, 181. Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 158. Bamum, a great natural curios- ity recommended to, 101. Barrels, an inference from see- ing, 181. Baton Rouge, 162 — strange pe- culiarities of laborers at, 163. Baxter, R., a saying of, 86. Bay, Mattysqumscot, 175. 188 INDEX. Bay State, gingtilar effect pro- duced on military officers by leaving it, 71. Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone for whom, 137. Beelzebub, bis rigadoon, 114. Bebmen, bis letters not letters, 130. Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 167 — inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 169. Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 52 — never beard of any one named Mundisbes, 53 — nearly four- score years old, ib. — his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 54. Biglow, Hosea, excited by com- position, 53 — a poem by, 54, 120 — his opinion of war, 55 — wanted at home by Nancy, 58 — recommends a forcible en- listment of warlike editors, ib. — would not wonder, if gener- ally agreed with, ib. — versi- fies letter of Mr. Sawin, 61 — a letter from, 62, 110 — bis opinion of Mr. Sawin, 63 — does not deny fun at Com- wallis, 64, note — his idea of militia glory, 67, note — a pun of, 68, note — is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, ih. — had never beard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 77 — aliquid suf- Jlaminandus, 78 — his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 83 — is unskilled in Latin, 84 — his poetry maligned by some, 85 — his disinterestedness, ib. — his deep share in common- weal, ib. — his claim to the presidency, ib. — his mowing, ib. — resents being called Whig, 86 — opposed to tariff, ib. — obstinate, ib. — infected with peculiar notions, ib. — re- ports a speech, 91 — emulates historians of antiquity, ib. — his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 104 — a request of his complied with, 118 — appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 131 — con- fesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, ib. — his opinion of cocked hats, 132 — letter to, ib. —called " Dear Sir," by a general, ib. — prob- ably receives some compliment from two hundred and nine, 131 — picks bis apples, 181 — bis crop of Baldwins conjec- turally large, ib. BilUngs, Dea. Cephas, 64. Birch, virtue of, in instilling cer- tain of the dead languages, 156. Bird of our country sings hosan- na, 66. Bhnd, to go it, 153. Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, &Q. Bluenose potatoes, smell of, ea- gerly desired, 67. Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 76. BoUes, Mr. Secondary, presents sword to Lieutenant-Colonel, 65 — a fluent orator, ib. — au- thor of prize peace essay, 66 — found to be in error, 67. Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 137 Boot-trees, productive, where, 156. Boston, people of, supposed edu- cated, 68, note. Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 128. Bread-trees, 155. Brigadier-Generals in militia, de- votion of, 89. Brown, Mr., engages in an une- qual contest, 117. Browne, Sir T. , a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and com- mended, 61. Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 52, 62, 83, 110 — not afraid, 63. , Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 171 — plaster, a prophecy in regard to, ib. Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 92. Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 57. Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 71. Butter in Irish bogs, 155. C. C, General, commended for INDEX, 189 parts, 79 — for ubiquity, ib. — for consistency, ib. — for fidel- ity, ib. — is in favor of war, ib. — his curious valuation of principle, ib. CsBsar, tribute to, 122 — hist'eni, vidi, vici, censured for undue prolixity, 139. Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, ()0. Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 65 — curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter,"' G9 — his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 70 — charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with im- proprieties, ib. Calhoun, Hon. J. C, his cow- bell curfew, light of the nine- teenth century to be extin- guished at sound of, 103 — cannot let go apron-string of the Past, 109 — his unsuccess- ful tilt at Spirit of the Age, ib. — the Sir Kay of modern chiv- alry, ib. — his anchor made of a crooked pin, 110 — men- tioned, 111-115. Cambridge Platform, use dis- covered for, 75. Canary Islands, 156. Candidate, presidential, letter from, 132 — smells a rat, ib. — against a bank, 133 — takes a revolving position, ib. — opin- ion of pledges, 13-1 — is a peri- wig, ib. — fronts south by north, 135 — qualifications of, lessening, 139 — wooden leg (and head) useful to, 152. Cape God clergjonen, what, 74 — Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, re- proved by, ib. Carpini, Father John de Piano, among the Tartars, 180. Cartier, Jacques, commendable zeal of, 180. Cass, General, 112 — clearness of his merit, 113 — limited popu- larity at " Bellers's," 1G7. Castles, Spanish, comfortable ac- commodations in, 158. Cato, letters of, so called, sus- pended naso adunco, 130. C. D., friends of, can hear of him, 130. Chalk egg, we are proud of in- cubation of, 129. Chappelow on Job, a copy of, lost, 119. Clierubusco, news of, its effects on English royalty, 103. Chesterfield no letter-writer, 120. Chief Magistrate, dancing es- teemed sinful by, 74. Children naturally speak He- brew, 61. China-tree, 156. Chinese, whether they invented gunpowder before the Chris- tian era not considered, 75. Choate hired, 170. Christ shuttled into Apocrypha, 76 — conjectured to disai> prove of slaughter and pillage, 80 — condemns a certain piece of barbarism, 117. Christianity, profession of, ple- beian, whether, GO. Christian soldiers, perhaps incon- sistent, whether, 90. Cicero, an opinion of, disputed, 138. Cilley, Ensign, author of nefari- ous sentiment, 76. Cimex lectularius, 68. Cinciunatus, a stock character in modern comedy, 162. CiviUzation, progress of, an alias, 120 — rides upon a powder- cart, 133. Clergymen, their ill husbandry, 118 — their place in proces- sions, IGl — some, cruelly ban- ished for the soundness of their lungs, 180. Cocked-hat, advantages of being knocked into, 132. College of Cardinals, a strange one, 76. Colman, Dr. Benjamin, anecdote of, 90. Colored folks, curious national diversion of kicking, 69. Colquitt, a remark of, 114 — ac- quainted with some principles of aerostation, ib. Columbia, District of, its pecu- liar climatic effects, 95 — not certain that Martin is for abol- ishing it, 171. Columbus, a Paul Pry of genius, 128. Columby, 160. 190 INDEX. Complete Letter-Writer, fatal gift of, 136. ComposteUa, St. James of, seen, 72. Congress, singular consequence of getting into, 95. Congressional debates, found in- structive, 106. Constituents, useful for what, 96. Constitution trampled on, 111 — to stand upon, what, 133. Convention, what, 95, 96. Convention, Springfield, 95. Coon, old, pleasure in skinning, 112. Coppers, caste in picking up of, 149. Copres, a monk, his excellent method of arguing, 107. Cornwallis, a, 64 — acknowl- edged entertaining, ib., note. Cotton Mather, summoned as witness, 73. Coimtry lawyers , sent providen- tially, 81. Country, our, its boundaries more exactly defined, 82 — right or wrong, nonsense about exposed, ib. Courier, The Boston, an unsafe print, 105. Court, General, farmers some- times attain seats in, 163. Covvper, W., his letters com- mended, 130. Creed, a safe kind of, 153. Crusade, first American, 73. Cuneiform script recommended, 139. Curiosity distinguishes man from brutes, 129. D. Davis, Mr., of Mississippi, a re- mark of his, 112. Day and Martin, proverbially "on hand," 53. Death, rings down curtain, 126. Delphi, oracle of, surpassed, 103, note — alluded to, 139. Destiny,, her account, 102. Devil, the, unskilled in certain Indian tongues, 73. Dey of Tripoli, 108. Diaz, Bernal, has a vision, 72 — his relationship to the Scarlet Woman, ib. Didjonus, a somewhat volumi- nous grammarian, 137. Dighton rock character might be usefully employed in some emergencies, 139. Dimitry Bruisgins, fresh supply of, 127. Diogenes, his zeal for propagat- ing certain variety of olive, 156, Dioscuri, imps of the pit, 73. District-Attorney, contemptible conduct of one, 108. Ditchwater on brain, a too com- mon aUing, 107 Doctor, the, a proverbial saying of, 72. Doughface, yeast-proof, 124. Drayton, a martyr, 108 — north star, culpable for aiding, wheth- er, 115. E. Earth, Dame, a peep at her housekeeping, 109. Eating words, habit of, conven- ient in time of famine, 101. Eavesdroppers, 128. Editor, his position, 118 — com- manding pulpit of, 119 — large congregation of, ib. — name derived from what, 120 — fond- ness for mutton, ib. — a pious one, his creed, ib. — a show- man, 124 — in danger of sud- den arrest, without bail, 126. Editors, certain ones who crow Uke cockerels, 58. Egyptian darkness, phial of, use for, 139. Eldorado, Mr. Sawin sets sail for, 155. Elizabeth, Queen, mistake of her ambassador, 92. Empedocles, 128. Employment, regular, a good thing, 148. Epaulets, perhaps no badge of saintship, 80. Episcopius, his marvellous ora- tory, 180. Eric, King of Sweden, his cap, 157. Evangelists, irou ones, 75. Eyelids, a divine shield against autliors, 107. Ezekiel, text taken from, 118. INDEX. 191 Factory-girls, expected rebellion of, 114. Family-trees, fruit of jejune, 15G. FaneuU Hall, a place where per- sons tap themselves for a spe- cies of hydrocephalus, 107 — a bill of fare mendaciously ad- vertised in, 155. Father of country, his shoes, 164. Female Papists, cut off in midst of idolatry, IGO. Fire, we all like to play with it, 104. Fish, emblematic, but disregard- | ed, where, 107. Flam, president, untrustworthy, 97. Fly-leaves, providential increase of, 107. Foote, Mr., his taste for field- sports, 111. Fourier, a squinting toward, 105. Fourth of Julys, boiling, 93. France, a strange dance begun in, 114. Fuller, Dr. Thomas, a wise say- ing of, 78. Fuimel, Old, hurraing in, 65. Gawain, Sir, his amusements, 110. Gay, S. H., Esquire, editor of Na- tional Antislavery Standard, letter to, 128. Getting up early, 55, 70. Ghosts, some, presumed fidgetty, (but see Stilling's Pneumatol- ogy,) 130. Giants formerly stupid, 110. Gift of tongues, distressing case of, 106. Globe Theatre, cheap season- ticket to, 126. Glory, a perquisite of officers, 150 — her accoimt with B. Sawin, Esq., 155. Goatsnose, the celebrated, inter- view with, 139. Gray's letters are letters, 130. Great horn spoon, sworn by, 111. Greeks, ancient, whether they questioned candidates, 138. Green Man, sign of, 86. H. Ham, sandwich, an orthodox (but peculiar) one, 116. Hamlets, machine for making, 143. Hammon, 103, note, 137. Hannegan, Mr., something said by, 113. Harrison, General, how pre- served, 136. Hat-trees, in full bearing, 156. Hawkins, Sir Jolm, stout, some- tliing he saw, 156. Henry the Fourth of England, a Parliament of, how named, 92. Hercules, his second labor prob- ably what, 181. Herodotus, story from, 62. Hesperides, an inference from, 157. Holden, Mr. Shearjashub, Pre- ceptor of Jaalam Academy, 137 — his knowledge of Greek limited, ib. — a heresy of his, lb. — leaves a fund to propa- gate it, 138. HoUis, Ezra, goes to a Comwal- lis, 54. Hollow, why men providentially so constructed, 93. Homer, a phrase of, cited, 119. Homers, democratic ones, plums left for, 98. Howell, James, Esq., story told by, 92 — letters of, commend- ed, 130. Human rights out of order on the floor of Congress, 111. Humbug, ascription of praise to, 124 — generally believed in, ib. Husbandry, instance of bad, 78. I. Icarius, Penelope's father, 83. Infants, prattlings of, curious ob- servation concerning, 61. Information wanted (universally, but especially at page), 130. 192 INDEX. Jaalam Centre, Anglo-Saxons unjustly suspected by the young ladies there, 71 — " In- dependent Blunderbuss," strange conduct of editor of, 118 — public meeting at, 131. Jaalam Point, light-house on, charge of prospectively offered to Mr. H. Biglow, 135 — meet- ing-house ornamented with imaginary clock, 158. Jakes, Captain, 175 — reproved for avarice, 175. James the Fourth of Scots, ex- periment by, 62. Jarnagin, Mr., his opinion of the completeness of northern edu- cation, 113. Jerome, Saint, his list of sacred writers, 130. Job, Book of, 60 — Chappelow on, 119. Johnson, Mr. , communicates some intelligence, 114. Jonah, the mevitable destiny of, 116 — probably studied inter- nal economy of the cetacea, 129. Jortin, Dr., cited, 90, 103, note. Judea, every tiling not known there, 81. Juvenal, a saying of, 102, note. Kay, Sir, the, of modern chival- ry, who, 109. Key, brazen one, 108. Keziah, Aunt, profoimd observa- tion of, 54. Kmderhook, 162. Kingdom Come, march to, easy, 144. Konigsmark, Count, 60. Lamb, Charles, his epistolary excellence, 130. Latimer, Bishop, episcopizes Sa- tan, 60. Latin tongue, curious informa- tion concerning, 84. Launcelot, Sir, a trusser of gi- ants formerly, perhaps would find less sport therein now, 110. . Letters classed, 130 — their shape, 131 — of candidates, 135 -- of ten fatal, 136. Lewis Philip, a scourger of young native Americans, 103 — com- miserated (though not deserv- ing it), ib.,note. Liberator, a newspaper, con- demned by implication, 87. Liberty imwholesome for men of certain complexions, 121. Lignum vitse, a gift of this valu- able wood proposed, 72. Longinus recommends swearing, 63, note (Fuseli did same thing). Long sweetening recommended, 145. Lost arts, one sorrowfully added to Ust of, 181. Louis the Eleventh of France, some odd trees of his, 156. Lowell, Mr. J. R., imaccovmtable silence of, 83. Luther, Martin, his first appear- ance as Europa, 72. Lyttelton, Lord, his letters an imposition, 130. M. Macrobii, their diplomacy, 139. Mahomet, got nearer Sinai than some, 120. Mahound, his filthy gobbets, 73. Mangum, Mr., speaks to the point, 112. Manichsean, excellently confut- ed, 107. Man-trees, grew where, 156. Mares'-nests, finders of, benevo- lent, 129. Marshfield, 162, 169. Martin, Mr. Sawin used to vote for hun, 171. Mason and Dixon's line, slaves north of, 112. Mass, the, its duty defined, 112. Massachusetts on her knees, 58 — something mentioned in con- nection with, worthy the at- tention of tailors, 95 — citizen of, baked, boiled, and roasted (nefandum .'), 150. INDEX. 193 Masses, the, used as butter by some, 98. M. C, an invertebrate animal, 101. Mechanics' Fair, reflections sug- gested at, 142. Mentor, letters of, dreary, 130. Mephistopheles at a nonplus, IIG. Mexican blood, its effect in rais- ing price of cloth, 159. Mexican polka, 74. Mexicans charged with various breaches of etiquette, 70 — kind feelings beaten into them, 124. Mexico, no glory in overcoming, 96. Military glory spoken disrespect- fully of, 68, note — militia treated still worse, ib. Milk-trees growing still, 155. Mills for manufacturing gabble, how driven, 105. Milton, an unconscious plagiary, 94, note — a Latin verse of, cited, 120. Missions, a profitable kind of, 121. Monarch, a pagan, probably not favored in philosophical exper- iments, 62. Money-trees desirable, 155 — that they once existed shown to be variously probable, 156. Montaigne, a communicative old Gascon, 129. Monterey, battle of, its singular chromatic effect on a species of two-headed eagle, 103. Moses held up vainly as an ex- ample, 120 — construed by Joe Smith, ib. Myths, how to interpret readily, 138. N. Naboths, Popish ones, how dis- tinguished, 75. Nation, rights of, proportionate to size, 70. National pudding, its effect on the organs of speech, a curious physiological fact, 75. Nephelim not yet extinct, 181. New England overpoweringly honored, 100 — wants no more speakers, ib. — done brown by whom, ib. — her experience in beans beyond Cicero's, 138. Newspaper, the, wonderful, 124 — a strolling theatre, ib. — thoughts suggested by tearing wrapper of, 126 — a vacant sheet, ib. — a sheet in wliich a vision was let down, 127 — wrapper to a bar of soap, ib. — a cheap impromptu plat- ter, ib. New York, Letters from, com- mended, 130. Next life, what, 118. Niggers, 56 — area of abusing, extended, 97 — Mr. Sawin's opinions of, 173. Ninepence a day low for murder, 64. No, a monosyllable, 75 — hard to utter, ib. Noah, inclosed letter in bottle, probably, 129. Nomas, Lapland, what, 157. North, has no business. 111 — bristling, crowded oflf roost, 135. North Bend, geese inhumanly treated at, 136 — mentioned, 162. North star, a proposition to in- dict, 115. Off ox, 133. Officers, miraculous transforma- tion in character of, 71 — An- glo-Saxon, come very near being anathematized, 72. O'Phace, Increase D., Esq., speech of, 93. Oracle of Fools, still respectful- ly consulted, 92. Orion, becomes commonplace, 127. Orrery, Lord, his letters (lord !), 130. Ostracism, curious species of, 92. P. Palestine, 72. Palfrey, Hon. J. G., 93, 100, 102 (a worthy representative of Massachusetts). 194 INDEX. Pantagruel recommends a popu- lar oracle, 92. Panurge, his interview with Groatsnose, 139. Papists, female, slain by zealous Protestant bomb-shell, 160. Paralipomenon, a man suspected of being, 136. Paris, liberal principles safe as far away as, 120. Farliamentum Indoctorum, sit- ting in permanence, 92. Past, the, a good nurse, 109. Patience, sister, quoted, 66. Paynims, their throats propa- gandistically cut, 72, Penelope, her wise choice, 83. People, soft enough, 122 — want correct ideas, 152. Pepin, King, 137. Periwig, 134. Persius, a pithy saying of, 98, note. Pescara, Marquis, saying of, 60. Peter, Saint, a letter of {post- mortem), 131. Pharisees, opprobriously referred to, 120. Philippe, Louis, in pea-jacket, 125. Phlegyas quoted, 117. Phrygian language, whether Adam spoke it, 62. Pilgrims, the, 96. Pillows, constitutional, 102. Pinto, Mx., some letters of his commended, 131. Pisgah, an impromptu one, 158. Platform, party, a convenient one, 153. Plato, supped with, 129 — his man, 136. Pleiades, the, not enough es- teemed, 127. Pliny, his letters not admired, 130. Plotinus, a story of, 109. Plymouth Rock, Old, a Conven- tion wrecked on, 96. Point Tribulation, Mr. Sawin wrecked on, 155. Poles, exile, whether crop of beans depends on, 69, note. Polk, President, synonymous with our country, 80 — cen- sured, 96 — in danger of being crushed, 98. Polka, Mexican, 74. Pomp, a runaway slave, his nest, 173 — hypocritically groans like white man, 174 — blmd to Christian privileges, 175 — his society valued at fifty doUars, ib. — his treachery, 176 — takes Mr. Sawin prisoner, 177 — cruelly makes him work, ib. — puts himself illegally under his tuition, ib. — dismisses him with contumelious epithets, 17,8. Pontifical bull, a tamed one, 72. Pope, his verse excellent, 61. Pork, refractory in boiling, 72. Portugal, Alphonso the Sixth of, a monster, 180. Post, Boston, 83 — shaken visi- bly, 85 — too swift, ib. — edit- ed by a colonel, ib. — who is presumed oflflcially in Mexico, ib. — bad guide-post, 86 — re- ferred to, 104. Pot-hooks, death in, 140. Preacher, an ornamental symbol, 119 — a breeder of dogmas, ib. — earnestness of, important, 180. Present, considered as an annal- ist, 119 — not long wonderful, 127. President, slaveholding natural to, 123 — must be a Southern resident, 153 — must own a nigger, 154. Prkiciple, exposure spoils it, 94. Principles, bad, when less harm- ful, 77. Prophecy, a notable one, 103. Proviso, bitterly spoken of, 133. Prudence, sister, her idiosyn- cratic teapot, 147. Psammeticus, an experiment of, 62. Public opinion a blind and drunken guide, 76 — nudges Mr. Wilbur's elbow, ib. — ticklers of, 97. Pythagoras, a bean-hater, why, 138. Pythagoreans, fish reverenced by, why, 107. Quixote, Don, 110. INDEX, 196 Rag, one of sacred college, 7G. Rantoul, Mr., talks loudly, GO — pious reason for not enlisting, ib. Recruiting Sergeant, Devil sup- posed the first, GO. Representatives' Chamber, 107. Rhinothism, society for promot- ing, 128. Rhyme, whether natural not considered, CI. Rib, an infrangible one, 145. Richard the First of England, his Christian fervor, 72. Riches conjectured to have legs as well as wings, 115. Robinson, Mr. John P., his opin- ions fully stated, 79-81. Rocks, pocket full of, 147. Rough and Ready, 167 — a wig, 168 — a kind of scratch, 169. Russian eagle turns Prussian blue, 103. S. Sabbath, breach of, 74. Sabellianism, one accused of, 136. Saltillo, unfavorable view of, 67. Salt-river, in Mexican, what, 67. Samuel, Uncle, riotous, 102 — yet has qualities demanding rev- erence, 120 — a good provider for his family, 122 — an exor- bitant bill of, 100. Sansculottes, draw their wine before drinking, 114. Santa Anna, his expensive leg, 152. Satan, never wants attorneys, 72 — an expert talker by signs, 73 — a successful fisherman with little or no bait, ib. — cunning fetch of, 77 — dislikes ridicule, 84 — ought not to have credit of ancient oracles, 103, note. Satirist, incident to certain dan- gers, 77. Savages, Canadian, chance of re- demption offered to, 180. Sawin, B., Esquire, his letter not written in verse, 61 — a native of Jaalara, 62 — not regular attendant on Rev. Mr. Wil- bur's preaching, ib. — a fool, ib. — his statements trustwor- thy, 63 — his ornithological tastes, ib. — letter from, 64, 141, 162 — his curious discov- ery in regard to bayonets, 65 — displays proper family pride, 66 — modestly confesses him- self less wise than the Queen of Sheba, 69 — the old Adam in, peeps out, 71 — a miles emeritus, 141 — is made text for a sermon, ib. — loses a leg, 143— an eye, 144 — left hand, 145 — four fingers of riglit hand, ib. — has six or more ribs broken, ib. — a rib of his infrangible, ib. — allows a certain amount of preterite greenness in himself, 146, 147 — his share of spoil limited, 147 — his opinion of Mexican climate, ib. — acquires proper- ty of a certain sort, 148 — hia experience of glory, 149 — stands sentry, and puns there- upon, 150 — undergoes martyr- dom in some of its most pain- ful forms, 151 — enters the candidating business, ib. — modestly states the (avail) abilities which qualify him for high political station, 151, 154 — has no principles, 152 — a peaceman, ib. — unpledged, ib. — has no objections to owning peculiar property, but would not like to monopolize the truth, 154 — his account with glory, 155— a selfish motive huited in, ib. — sails for Eldo- rado, ib. — shipwrecked on a metaphorical promontory, ib. — parallel between, and Rev. Mr. Wilbur (not Plutarchian), 157 — conjectured to have bathed in the river Selemnus, 162 — loves plough wisely, but not too well, ib. — a foreign mission probably expected by, 163 — unanimously nominated for presidency, 1G4 — his coun- try's father-in-law, 165 — no- bly emulates Cincinnatus, 166 — is not a crooked stick, ib. — advises his adherents, ib. — views of, on present state of politics, 126-173 — popular en- 196 INDEX. thusiasm for, at Bellers's, and its disagreeable consequences, 167 — inhuman treatment of, by Bellers, 168 — his opinion of the two parties, 169 — agrees with Mr. Webster, ib. — his antislavery zeal, 171 — his proper self-respect, ib. — his unaffected piety, 172 — his not intemperate temperance, 173 — a thrilling adventure of, 173- 179 — his prudence and econ- omy, 174 — bound to Captain Jakes, but regains liis freedom, 175 — is taken prisoner, 176, 177 — ignominiously treated, 177, 178 — his consequent res- olution, 179. Sayres, a martyr, 108. Scaliger, saying of, 78. Scarabceus pilularius, 68. Scott, General, his claims to the presidency, 85, 88. Scythians, their diplomacy com- mended, 139. Seamen, colored, sold, 59. Selemnus, a sort of Lethean river, 162. Senate, debate in, made reada- ble, 108. Seneca, saying of, 77 — another, 103 — overrated by a saint (but see Lord Bolingbroke's opin- ion of, in a letter to Dean Swift), 130— his letters not commended, ib. — a son of Eev. Mr. Wilbur, 158. Serbonian bog of literature, 107. Sextons, demand for, 66 — he- roic official devotion of one, 179. Shaking fever, considered as an employer, 148. Shakspeare, a good reporter, 91. Sham, President, honest, 97. Sheba, Queen of, 69. Sheep, none of Rev. Mr. Wil- bur's turned wolves, 62. Shem, Scriptural curse of, 178. Show, natural to love it, 67, note. Silver spoon born in Democra- cy's mouth, what, 98. Sinai, suffers outrages, 119. Sin, wilderness of, modern, what, 119. Skin, hole in, strange taste of some for, 149. Slaughter, whether God strength- en us for, 74. Slaughterers and soldiers com- pared, 160. Slaughtering nowadays is slaugh- tering, 161. Slavery of no color, 56 — corner- stone of liberty, 105 — also key-stone. 111 — last crumb of Eden, 115 — a Jonah, 116 — an institution, 134 — a private State concern, 174. Smith, Joe, used as a translation, 120. Smith, John, an interesting char- acter, 128. Smith, Mr., fears entertained for, 117 —dined with, 129. Smith, N. B., his magnanimity, 125. Soandso, Mr., the great, defines his position, 125. Sol, the fisherman, 68 — sound- ness of respiratory organs hy- pothetically attributed to, ib. Solon, a saying of, 76. Spanish, to walk, what, 70. Speech-making, an abuse of gift of speech, 105. Star, north, subject to indict- ment, whether, 115. Store, cheap cash, a wicked fraud, 158. Strong, Governor Caleb, a pa- triot, 82. Swearing, commended as a figure of speech, 63, note. Swift, Dean, threadbare saying of, 85. T. Tag, elevated to the Cardinal- ate, 76. Taxes, direct, advantages of, 159. Taylor zeal, its origin, 167 — General, greased by Mr. Choate, 170. Thanks, get lodged, 149. Thirty-nine articles might be made serviceable, 75. Thor, a foolish attempt of, 110. Thumb, General Thomas, a valu- able member of society, 101. Thunder, supposed in easy cir- cumstances, 102. Thynne, Mr., murdered, 60. INDEX. 197 Time, an innocent personage to Bwear by, G3 — a scene-shifter, 126. Toms, Peeping, 128. Trees, various kinds of extraor- dinary ones, 155, 156. Trowbridge, William, mariner, adventures of, 74. Truth and falsehood start from same point, 78 — truth invul- nerable to satire, ib. — com- pared to a river, 91 — of fiction sometimes ti-uer than fact, ib. — told plainly, passim. Tuileries, exciting scene at, 103. Tully, a saying of, 94, note. Tweedledee, gospel according to, 120. Tweedledum, great principles of, 120. Ulysses, husband of Penelope, 83 — borrows money, 157. (For full particulars of, see Homer and Dante.) University, triennial catalogue of, 87. V. Van Buren fails of gaining Mr. Sawin's confidence, 171 — his son John reproved, 172. Van, Old, plan to set up, 171. Venetians, invented something once, 157. Vices, cardinal, sacred conclave of, 76. Victoria, Queen, her natural ter- ror, 103. Vratz, Captain, a Pomeranian, singular views of, 60. W. Walpole, Horace, classed, 129 — his letters praised, 130, Waltham Plain, Comwallis at, 64. "Walton punctilious in his inter- course with fishes, 75. War, abstract, horrid, 133 — its hoppers, grist of, what, 149. Warton, Thomas, a story of, Washington, charge brouglit against, 165. Washington, city of, climatic in- fluence of, on coats, 95 — men- tioned, 108 — grand jury of, 115. Washingtons, two hatched at a time by improved machine, 165. Water, Taunton, proverbially weak, 173. Water-trees, 156. Webster, some sentiments of, commended by Mr. Sawin, 169. Westcott, Mr., his horror, 115. Whig party, has a large throat, 86 — but query as to swallow- ing spiurs, 170. White-house, 135. Wife-trees, 156. Wilbur, Rev. Homer, A. M., con- sulted, 53 — liis mstructions to his flock, 62 — a proposition of his for Protestant bombshells, 75 — his elbow nudged, 76 — his notions of satire, 77 — some opinions of his quoted with apparent approval by Mr. Biglow, 81 — geographical speculations of, 82 — a justice of the peace, ib. — a letter of, 83 — a Latin pun of, 84 — runs against a post without injury, 85 — does not seek notoriety (whatever some malignants may affirm), 87 — fits youths for college, 88 — a chaplain dur- ing late war with England, 90 — a shrewd observation of, 92 — some curious speculations of, 105-107 — his martello-tower, 106 — forgets he is not m pul- pit, 116, 141, 143 — extracts from sermon of, 118, 124 — interested in John Smith, 129 — his views concerning pres- ent state of letters, 128-131 — a stratagem of, 136 — ventures two hundred and fourth inter- pretation of Beast in Apoca- lypse, 137 — christens Hon. B. Sawin, then an infant, 141 — an addition to our sylva pro- posed by, 155 — curious and instructive adventure of, 157 — his account with an unnat- ural uncle, 160 — his uncom- 198 INDEX. fortable imagination, ib. — speculations concerning Cin- cinnatus, 162, 163 — confesses digressive tendency of mind, 179 — goes to work on sermon (not without fear that his read- ers will dub him with a re- proachful epithet like that with which Isaac AUerton, a Mayflower man, revenges him- self on a delinquent debtor of his, calling him in his will, and thxis holding him up to pos- terity, as " John Peterson, The Bore " ), 181. Wilbur, Mrs. , an invariable rule of, 88 — her profile, ib. Wind, the, a good Samaritan, 142. Wooden leg, remarkable for so- briety, 144 — never eats pud- ding, 145. Wright, Colonel, providentially rescued, 68. Wrong, abstract, safe to oppose, 97, Z. 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