Qassili___ Book_ I__ BOTTLE IXE1) PICKLES. Tkt AotW r?|iojin^ offer Jtis labours . — A BOTTLE MIXED PICKLES. 1853, ^4^1 .£t« Qb 3//* 7 CONTENTS. Ik PJLOB To the Editor of the Times . 1 From Portsmouth to Havre ., . 5 44 To Persons about to marry " 13 A Ball at the Princess's Concert Rooms . 16 " Similia Similibus Curantur " 22 Homoeopathic cure for Melancholy . 26 Riddles, &c. 28 The Limerick Mail . 33 The Destroying Angel 42 Jonathanisms . 49 FJloisa to Abelard . .' • ' , 52 Serenade . . & . . 54 From the " Rushlight " . 56 A Fable . . 58 Blarney Castle 60 Mr. Bell . . 63 An Incident 66 A view in Switzerland . 68 A Lecture at the Rotunda . 69 Acknowledgment of a Compliment . 71 New words to the " Ivy Green " 74 The new Reform Bill . . 75 Surely you must be Mistaken 78 Epistles Dedicatory . 91 u TO THE EDITOR OP "THE TIMES." In your excellent journal, Sir, may I presume To humbly solicit a place, The public compassion to move, if I can, By reciting my sorrowful case ? I'm a worm, Sir — nay sneer not — nor think that it is An unaristocratical name ; To be more aboriginal " sons of the soil " Than the oldest of nations, we claim. But although a respectable peaceable tribe ^ot given to mischievous freaks, Yet, like rogues and marauders, we constantly live In dire apprehension of " Beaks." This is grievance the first, and a great one it is ; Eor if we should venture to push Our heads above ground, we're immediately gulped By some hungry old blackbird or thrush. Those insatiable ogres, so ruthless and dire, With a snap put an end to our lives ; And the " Bills of Mortality " daily are filled With our parents, sons^ daughters, and wives. To this " Diet of Worms " at which we are "discussed" We hold a well-grounded objection ; But being the true " landed interest, " we hope Some day, for a little "Protection." But we've yet a worse enemy still than the birds — " The knave " (he's a sad one) " of spades ; " (The Gardener I mean) who with mischievous tool Our underground dwellings invades. To imagine the pang when he chops us in half Would make your blood's current run cold ; But as in these cases our "tail " is removed, Our sufferings ne'er can be " told. " You men, if afflicted, find comfort in this That Time your vexations can mend ; In every trouble it soothes yoiu* distress To reflect on your " latter end. " We've no such reflection to aid us in woe, Since our's is a terrible state Of " endless " misfortune, which not e'en the Good Physician Old Time can abate. " Long Division " to us, though our "figures" are long, Is anything but an attraction, And, [however you married poor fellows in ay laugh,] To lose one's (undoubtedly) "better half" Is, in our case, no satisfaction. In the chair of a dentist expectant to sit Is doubtless unpleasant enough .; While with hard bony hand he examines your mouth. And imparts a rich flavour of snuff. 'Tis no subject of merriment when he routs up A fang from it's deep gummy nook ; But you'd better have ten double-grinders pulled out Than dangle alive on a hook. The rod that he tingles with daily, the boy Has doubtless good reason for hating ; But the hook is more "barb"arous still than the rod, And we suffer more pangs in our "baiting." Some people complain we " disfigure the lawn " With ugly small spots, but if true, Take care, ye who grace the Episcopal bench. Lest that charge apply also to you. One of you is a Figaro, all things in turn, With slippery quick versatility : Another is rancorous, rough, and cantankerous, With martial impartial hostility. His Lordship of London, when Catholic freaks Demand an episcopal stopper, Say s " Dear Mr. Bennet, your ways I appro ve, Though, in public I call them improper. " It's Lord lately leased a rich manor* anew, In a manner, however, least laudable : Through respect for the Church, I will say nothing more, Though such things will to Horsman afford a tale. We hunger for knowledge and poke into books On dusty shelves uselessly resting ; And eagerly then their contents we " devour, " Which have need of much " inward digesting. " Birds and fishes eat us, and in process of time The eaters are eaten by man ; And soon t'will be our turn, good folks, to eat you ; So pray get as fat as you can. You humans talk much of the joys of your hearth, And friends in affection combining ; To us too the "(h)earth" is as dear as to you, And the coils of our love as entwining. People say we've no feeling, but let them transpose Their subject and object; and then Will appear something nearer the truth, which is this, That worms find no feeling in men. They talk of low birth, at our pedigree jeer ; But let them deny if they can, * That of Horfield. * Sre Hamlet, Act iv. Sc, 3. . What the Great Hebrew Psalmist himself did declare That he was " a worm and no man."* They assert that our dwellings, our lowly abodes, Are " bores " on the face of the land ; But while they give honour and praise to Brunei, Surely our little tunnels may stand. This is quite the first time, and perhaps is the last, That a worm eyer wriggled in rhymes ; So lift not your foot, Mr. Editor, pray, 3>ut give me a place in " The Times.' ? FROM PORTSMOUTH TO HAYRE. The advantage so frequently recommended to the notice of the travelling portion of the British public in advertisements of certain Steam-boats that " passengers walk on board " is not enjoyed by such persons as have occasion to cross to Havre from Portsmouth. Those who embark at the latter port are taken out in a small boat towards Spithead and there wait to be picked up by the * Psalm xxii, 6. See also Job xxy. 6. Southampton Steamer ; by which means, if the weather happens to be rough, they get (in addition to a ducking) a thorough preliminary disordering of what the French call " the department of the interior " before the legiti- mate commencement of their troubles, and enjoy the fairest possible prospect of experiencing the last agonies of sea-sickness, under circumstances likely to render them of unmitigated aggravation. It was my lot some months since to become practically acquainted with these facts, having occasion to embark at Portsmouth at a moment as unpropitious to a nautical excursion as could well be conceived, the night being dark and rainy, and the wind blowing sufficiently hard to make a brisk " soda-water- sea, " as it is called, even just off the shore. One other victim presented himself at the Sallyport simultaneously with myself for shipment in the wherry which was to put us on board. By way of a little small talk on making acquaintance, he related how, on the last occasion on which he had started from this point, a mishap had occured to the boatmen's signal torch, which tumbled overboard, and was so put out both in flame and temper by it's wetting that it subsequently manifest- ed an insuperable reluctance to be rekindled, and in consequence the Steamboat passed in the dark without stopping. "We should have discussed this somewhat comic tragedy with more relish, had not it's intimate connection with contingencies to which we were just then liable brought the possibility of it's recurrence rather too vividly to our apprehension. Our boat having been with some difficulty, owing to the perverseness of the tide, got out to a point about midway between Southsea and Spit- head, was there made fast to a buoy. In this position the waves played pitch- and-toss with us for about an hour and a quarter with the utmost freedom, while frequent storms of rain saved us from being troubled with too great an exuberance of cheerfulness. At length, to our lively satisfaction, the lamps of the approaching steamer appear- ed, whereupon the boatmen made a series of attempts to light their torch ; which proved wholly abortive, possibly owing to the circumstance that the wick having been recently immersed in the water (which now reached our ancles) was afflicted with a cold in the head ; or possibly in consequence of the lucifer matches having been by some unhappy casuality divested of their heads altogether. At length by dint of a laborious and very unpromising process with a flint and steel, a sallow-complexioned battered end of a candle with a bulbous gouty-looking wick, inserted in an old horn lantern, was coaxed into a state of fungous illumination. In addition to it's other physical infirmities, our unfortunate fragment of a dip was afflicted with an affection of the spine from having been inadvertently sat upon, which caused it to loll side- ways out of it's socket in a listless and imbecile manner, so that the vitality of it's wretched modicum of light was alarmingly precarious. The lantern was now consigned to the care of the other passenger to be displayed to the approaching steamboat, while the boatmen rowed to meet it. My task was io steer and protect the carpet bags from the rain and spray with an umbrella. Absorbed in these important operations, it was some little time before 8 my observation was accidentally drawn to the circum- stance that our light-house was, for some utterly inscruta- ble purpose of his own, displaying the dark side of the lantern to the approaching packet; which operation, if seriously intended, appeared as little likely to achieve any conceivable result as if he had attempted to attract the desired notice by energetically ringing a bell bereaved of it's clapper. Of course any explanation of our friend's mysterious conduct by reference to any humourous inten- tions of ill-timed practical joking was, at this moment, out of the question, so I ventured to ask whether he did not think it would be advisable to turn the bright side forwards ; a suggestion which he seemed to consider highly valuable and ingenious, and adopted accordingly. After having been a good deal tantalized by frequent bumpings against the broad black sides of our Steamer, and then, just as we thought we had got the rope thrown to us, being whisked, by a little pleasantry on the part of the waves, a long way off again, we eventually found our- selves on the deck of the " Grand Turk." There were but few passengers, and all but two of them were already dismally indisposed in the cabin, and merely gave languid woe-begone looks at us with their dull dreary eyes as we selected our berths. The two individuals who were not yet visibly affected were hardily attempting to defy fate by playing Chess. The game however was no less sum- marily than suddenly nipped in the bud, for a lurch of the ship unceremoniously shut up the board and check- mated one of the players, who staggered off to a sofa faintly calling for brandy and water, an order dictated 9 apparently by no convivial views. Shortly after this the Steward came ronnd to collect the fares. To those who suffer from sea-sickness it is surely one of the bitterest trials of life to be called upon, just at the very instant perhaps that they are expecting a substantive and material devel- opement, so to speak, of their uncomfortable sensations, to go into arithmetical computations. When the feeling of a painful crisis is imminent, and it is so hazardous to move that even the venturing on a wink is fraught with grave peril, it is surely too hard to be required to dive into the uttermost recesses of the pocket of a coat, the lowest stratum perhaps of a deep conglomerate of wraps in which you are are swathed as tightly as a mummy or a Hindoo baby, and drag forth a purse ; feeling as you do all the while the conviction that the dread consummation of your sorrows which divers premonitory throes have given warning to be impending, will be inevitably induced by the exertion. The sufferers on this occasion, when visited in turn by that unfeeling functionary the Steward, manifested so deep an indifference as to the extent of their disbursements, and such an abandoned recklessness as to the correctness of the amount given them in change, as, in ordinary pecuniary transactions, would shortly lead to serious fiscal embarrassment. The Grand Turk is an ancient fabric, now somewhat infirm, in consequence of it's originally robust constitution, having been severely shaken by the severe buffetings to which it has during it's career been exposed. As it lumbers along, digging and butting at the waves with it's heavy bows, it's whole frame trembles and shakes in a constant paroxysm of 10 agitation. It's ribs and screws too make an unusually vociferous concert of a painfully unmusical character, "Whether anything particular occurred during the passage of the Channel I am unable to state, having been sound asleep from the time we passed the Eab light off the Eastern corner of the Isle of Wight, till the sudden cessation of the motion of the paddle-wheels, consequent on our arrival at the mouth of the harbour at Havre, dispelled my slumbers. Probably the old Grand Turk had been disporting itself with unwieldy gambols among the waves, for I do just recollect some indistinct notion occurring dimly at intervals to my mind that the bed was in a very frisky humour, and that the pillow was betray- ing far more animation than was consistent with the staid and sober character of that article. "We do not call upon pillows for active duties — we simply require them to be fat and comfortable ; yet here was an individual which so far forgot itself as to toss the head which reposed in misplaced confidence on it's bosom, from side to side, and jerk it into the air with as little reference to it's conve- nience, or the composure of it's dreams, as if it had been a shuttlecock or a cricket ball. My own legs too, from whom I should have hoped better things, partook of the gen- eral hilarity, and were guilty of the wildest extravagance. Renouncing their allegiance to their natural lord, and in- deed in direct opposition to his wishes and efforts to the contrary, they were seized with intermittent impulses of I uncontrollable liveliness which caused them to kick upl in the air, to the signal discomfiture of the bedclothes, who must have been doubtless greatly surprised at suchj 11 irregular and unseemly ebullitions of jocularity. The Grand Turk had now some difficulty in forcing a passage through the crowd of ships and boats of all descriptions by which the harbour seemed to be almost impassably plugged up. By dint however of worming its way through crowds of merchant vessels, writhing round piers, wriggling amongst flocks of torpid barges, jostling aside fishing boats, and rudely elbowing off the smaller craft, it eventually managed to rub it's fat sides against the wharf, to which it was shortly after secured in a sort of hymeneal union by a noose. The good folks of Havre did not seem to be yet awake, for nobody was visible on the shore except a few touters for hotels, some douaniers and gendarmes, and a sentry pacing incessantly up and down his short beat like that restless panther at the Zoological Gardens ; whose perseverance, poor fellow ! in the pursuit of his "constitutional" under difficulties, on a promenade scarcely thrice the length of his tail, is most exemplary. The Turk soon discharged the live portion of his freight into the passport office. Some of the passengers seemed decidedly to have "made a night of it," for E they tottered feebly along the gangway, looking very mouldy and dilapidated, and generally the worse for wear. The predominant sensation on my own part was a kind of half- awake resent- ment at having been prematurely roused from a nap, mingled with a guilty consciousness of being odiously dirty and unshorn. My passport having been examined, and found to be unimpeachably regular, there ensued a small drama in the baggage office adjoining, something OH this wise ; — 12 Dramatis Persons. Two douaniers of the 12mo size of French soldiers, attired in Albert hats, and red jellybag- shaped trousers. Two Gendarmes, moustachio'd, tall, & farouche. English traveller, dressed in a shooting coat, wideawake, &c, in the true British "tourist" style. As the scene opens, the two douaniers seize each an arm of the traveller, while the two gendarmes take him by the collar. AH four gabble violently at once "Pass p — faut pas fum — bureau — de — droits de dou— point de cig — poli — commission — &c, &c." (prestissimo. J Apathetic traveller (who appears to be addicted to cigars) when they pause for breath, slowly projects a thin ringlet of tobacco from, the corner of his mouth, and remarks with much composure " My bag, please." The two douaniers and two gendarmes. Same melange of exclamatory exhortations as before, in a slightly higher key. Imperturbable traveller, with calm laconic mildness, "Bag, please." The two douaniers and two gendarmes find they have hooked an old fish ; and that their fondly imagined visions of extorting a franc are not likely to bo realised. The bag is therefore produced, and handed over by the traveller to a stout individual en blouse, to be carried. Scene closes ; and within ten minutes after- wards, the hero of the piece is wallowing in luxuiy (i. e. hot sea- water) in a bath at FrascatFs. 13 "TO PERSONS ABOUT TO MARRY. 5 Since now, my young friend, you are entering life,, And probably think your'e in want of a wife, My dismal experience hear : The stoniest heart t' would macadamize, And from a policeman's dry pitiless eyes Pump out an unnatural tear. Being silly, like other young men of my age, I once, years ago, loved with passionate rage A maiden of heavenly mould. I had some excuse, for what poet could paint That form of an houri, that mind of a saint, That gem in a setting of gold ? Her hands were like pure alabaster ; her teeth Rows of glittering pearl, lips of coral beneath ; Her eyes, soft as those of a dove ; While, as Homer would call it, a " lily-like voice, '* Tuned with sweet fascination the ear to rejoice, Distilled witching accents of love. Young men who give way to such violent rapture Are not very difficult fishes to capture, So the vows matrimonial were plighted : 14 Ah ! it still makes me feel suicidal to say How soon my bright fairy-dream melted away, And the bud of my rapture was blighted. 'Not to weary your patience, my story shall trip, And make, with its seven-league-boots on, a skip Over some intermediate years : I feasted your eyes with a vision of bliss — You gazed on that picture — now look upon this — Behold ! my adore d reappears ! The time I omitted, our nuptials between And that whereupon we return to the scene, Disaster had marked for it's own. Successive calamities banished all trace Of each juvenile charm from that idolized face, Whence all it's bright magic had flown. One eye was knocked out by a fall from her hack ; The other grew purblind, and frequently black (In mourning, perhaps, for its fellow). Not very long after this happened, her nose (The effect of some very strong scent, I suppose) Got very suspiciously mellow. But the loss of an optic alas ! was not all The damage my lady sustained from her fall — She broke both her arms and a leg. "New members of timber were shortly arranged, And the wedding-ring's usual locality changed To a little mahogany peg. 15 The dark wavy hair which in happier days Had " flooded her neck," (you remember our phrase,} " With many a rich flowing billow/ ' One morning was found unexpectedly gone, And Martha as bald as the day she was born : "When she rose it had stuck to the pillow ! Those white pearly teeth, not " in- firm " as their state^ All rattled one evening down into her plate, Excepting one stubborn old tusk; Who, when his thin shell could no stopping contain, Closed at length a sad scene of disorder and pain, ' Ground down to the gum by a rusk. Just now, with a glow of old passionate pride, To the musical tones of her voice I applied An epithet, classic,— and silly ! Soon, if they a lily resembled at all, 'Twas the poison of what " Bella donna " they call, On that fierce-looking plant "tiger-lily." Such a load of increasing vexation and care Compelled me at length, in my utter despair, In death relaxation to get. So T hung myself- — yes ! — I assure you ; no joke : But the beam giving way, down I fell, and awoke Alive, and a bachelor yet ! And now for my moral. Of course you expect I shall beg you to pause for a while, and reflect — Xo ! I make no so foolish suggestion. 16 To lovers, as winds, it's as idle to talk; yBut this I do say, do not sup upon pork, Or what may produce indigestion, Lest you suffer in dreams an unhappy estrangement*. And remember, once made, a connubial arrangement Is a difficult matter to alter. Host unpleasant you'd find it, (not being a horse,) To marry & nightmare, and sue for divorce By putting your neck in a halter. A BALL AT THE PRINCESS'S CONCERT ROOMS, CASTLE STREET, OXEORD STREET. '"Miss Bennett has the honour to announce that her grand FULL DRESS BALL!!! Will take place at these Rooms this Evening, December the 19th. DOORS OPEJST AT 10-30. DANCING TO COMMENCE AT 11." Such was the notice, in the largest of blue types, which, on the said evening of the 19th of December 1849, sus- pended at the door of the Princess's Concert Rooms, in- vited respectable society in general, and the Terpsichorean public in particular, to join the festivities then immediate- ly in contemplation, and which notice attracted the attention 17 of me (Mr. John Smith) as I chanced on that particular evening in question to be passing through Castle Street homeward-bound from a dinner party. Now, unfortunate- ly for me, I am not a dancing man, and, except when performing with the divine Belinda, cannot get up much excitement on the subject. One of my most favourite amusements has been however, (and particularly at the Bath assembly Booms,) to retire at a ball into strict se- clusion in an impregnable thicket of dowagers, in a position inaccessible to those troublesome persons who will insist on everyone's dancing and making themselves wretchedly hot and uncomfortable, and thence, as Lucre- tius says, u € terra alterius magnum spectare iaborem" — and also to observe — all kinds of things — which it is unneces- sary to discuss here. So it being already 11 o'clock, I walked in and enquired if the ball was begun. "Walk up, Sir," dancing just going to begin, Sir — band been here some time, Sir !." "Well, but how many people are come ? " I enquired. " there's a lady and gentleman gone up this moment — lots more presently, Sir, Miss Bennett had 600 tickets taken a week ago. " The solitary couple must feel, thought I, rather like Adam and Eve ; but as two individuals, however energetically disposed, don't go far towards a ball, and it would have been a sin to have interrupted the tete a tete, I retired for half an hour into a neighbouring street. On my return, the same gentleman in the hall who had given the reins to his imagination in the extravagant myth of the 600 tickets informed me " Plenty of ladies and gentlemen here now, Sir — 40 at least — all these" (showing tickets) "'come in u the last half hour. " Having had proof of my friend's inventive readiness, I considerably mistrusted the accura- cy of his statistics, but thought it as well to go up, and was happy to find a select party collected ; the ladies duly arranged in that awful and unapproachable state of grim primness in straight lines of rout seats which is apt to strike bashful bachelors with terror and dismay, and irrecoverably drive out of their heads in a moment all the sweet sayings they have been churning and labouring into shape for a month before. The only entertainment as yet was in watching the arrivals. First came in a youth with white hair which nature had supplied him with retail, and with a ] anionic! bly abortive attempt at whiskers. This gentle- man was possessed with the delusion that a redundancy ef white neckcloth was an effectual captivator of the hearts of the feir sex. He had fallen a victim to this singular hallucination, for he had enveloped his neck in so stiff and broad a white board that he could'nt look down, (though being naturally anxious as to the general effect of his boots he was dying to do so), and he was equally precluded from looking up, being, in fact, summarily throttled as often as he tried ; so he was reduced to staring horizontally point blank straight before him. Shortly, the band ("Wcippert's) struck up, which was invigorating, and besides my curiosity was "on the P. G, " as Mrs. Malaprop said, to see what the dancing would be like. A Waltz ! Off started a fat gentleman, so fat that he eclipsed his partner altogether, and whirled round (spun, or whizzed would be a more appropriate so fast, that his coat-tails, from the centrifugal 19 force, stood out like a rim at right angles to his body, and his hair floated out horizontally round his head like a brown halo. During the dance there came into the room a pair- — what the gentleman was I am not in a position to state, my eyes having been entirely chained to the spectacle of the lady who was attired cap a pie in the brightest (or the "loudest," as the phrase is) of yellow silks, flashing most wondrously, so that she looked like the flame of a stage fire — that one when the king of the Golden Island comes in. Her character seemed as prononce as her colours, for she and her friend, the very instant ' they found what was going on, plunged unhesitatingly into the vortex of dancers with reckless audacity, and executed the back whirl with giddy rapidity. Young "Weippert seemed to catch the infection of ardour, for as he beheld them, his eyes began to glare, and he dug and tore at his harp in a vindictive and frantic paroxysm of savage energy. By this time I had progressed far in the good graces of an elegant female who sat next to me, and whose smiles and conversation I had succeeded in divert- ing from her own peculiar swain on the other side. So she at length put the ominous question — " Bo you not Yalse ?" " Yes— but it is the fashion nowadays to execute such performances with a partner, and I have not the felicity, &c." The upshot of which of course was, that in another moment we were pirouetting glibly round and round the room > and round and round one another, and exchanging all sorts of sweet sentiments ; to which pro* cess, waltzing, from the close proximity it engenders, is (provided of course you don't, as I always do, get giddy) 20 30 favourable. All this time the unfortunate swain, who had some misgivings as to his capabilities in the "Waltz, and therefore shrank from the attempt, beheld the warmth of oar sociability with a look of unutterable disgust. However, his truant fair came back quite safe at the conclusion of the dance, and they soon made it up again. I soon became acquainted with a most material fact in respect of this ball, namely, that each lady came there provided with a swain, and of course, as the numbers of each sex were equal, each swain was similarly provided with a nymph, and the whole purpose of coming there was, that each couple should dance together the whole evening. Indeed so thick and confidential were a great many of the pairs, that it was pretty obvious that hymeneal arrangements were in contemplation, and that, in short, they had come there to have a regular good flirt of it ; a sort of carnival before the penitential season of matrimonial remorse. This was an alarming state of circumstances for a stray bachelor to become acquainted with, as it became necessary either to seduce the allegiance of some fair damsel from her finance, and thereby goad him to committing a breach of the peace, or else to remain utterly destitute of partners. The charms of an houri in a slate coloured dress compelled me to adopt the former course. Her cher ami was a peculiar specimen of natu- ral history ; the most remarkable points about him being, first, his dental arrangements, which were entirely un- orthodox and anomalous, like a cheval de frise ; secondly, his huge rough bristle of hair like an African jungle ; Lly, that from the mass of whisker which he thought 21 proper to cultivate, his face was like a bird's nest; and lastly, that he had nothing whatever of any kind to say for himself. His waistcoat, and the startling combinations of colours thereon displayed, I do not attempt to describe, it being, as the literary housemaid said, " more than pen.' ' However the " Beauty " seemed so unaccountably fond of her " Beast" that it seemed hopeless at first to attack the fortress, for they sat billing and cooing and doing the whole duty of sweethearts with exemplary energy. Being at last recalled to a sense of the world about them by the stirring notes of the Drum Polka, they joined the giddy throng of dancers. My friend's strenuous efforts however were crowned with lamentably bad success, for the only result he attained was the winding himself up tight in his partner's dress, so that he became swathed in muslin like an Egyptian mummy. A concussion with her of the flame coloured raiment eventually put him hors de combat, and made room for me. Hot having many subjects of common interest to discuss with the Peris of the Castle Street Paradise, I was for once a little at a loss for small change, till I discovered that compliments " cut rather fat " (as the vernacular of Smithfield has it), were the most acceptable currency. Now the fair sex, speaking generally, have a weakness for liking to swallow what is vulgularly called soft soap, and digest large quantities of it with surprising facility; but these ladies had such brisk appetites for the commodity, that to make the supply meet the demand, it became necessary to administer bars of the coarsest yellow (to continue the metaphor) wholesale. Having, therefore, gladdened the 22 hearts of a long succession of dismally plain young ladies by assuring each in turn that she was the only strikingly lovely person in the room &c.,(a subsequent comparison of notes must slightly have dispelled the soft illusion !) and having breathed into the ear of each in turn the same choice flowers of sentiment culled in the Tottenham Court Road Theatre, I made a low salaam to Miss Bennett, and departed. Alas ! no Peri in slate coloured silk was wafted on a roseate cloud to me in a dream that evening. No ! All night long young "Weippert and myself were on horseback, chasing a shaggy wild boar across an African desert. At sunrise Ave speared him, and in coming up to the prey, found in our victim him of the teeth, in a copious perspiration from running so long, and regarding us with a look of irresistibly comic animosity. SIMILIA SIMILIBUS CTJRANTUR. " (the homoeopathic motto) [Enter Patient]— " I call, Doctor Physicemsmall, To solicit a little advice : Iv'e caught a slight cold, and your art I am told Can banish such plagues in a trice. 23 " My symptoms are these : I frequently sneeze- "When pepper gets mixed with my snuff ; Just after a meal no hunger I feel, Nor thirst when I've tippled enough. " My pulse is too fleet by nearly a beat ; My tongue too,, excessively pink : I may add that my sleep is unbroken and deep,, "With a previous proneness to wink." Dr. P. " Sir ! the truth must be told ; your case is no cold ; From the first I perceived it was so ; You have metempsychosis and pettitorosis Seated deep in your left little toe. " The size of your cheeks plumpchopsis bespeaks ; No symptom on earth could be surer ; While your very red nose a tendency shows To jesticular camera obscura. " Attention to diet, with medicine and quiet,. Will soon work a grand revolution In your little toe's state, and ameliorate It's, at present, impaired constitution. ' First then you must sniff no agreable whiff : 'T would cause sad stomachic derangement, From coffee and spices, in short, all that nice is* Observe the eompletest estrangement. 24 " These powders I make be careful to take As enjoined by their covers* direction : Yes, these powders — you stare — nay, they really are there, Though far too minute for detection. A. funereal evening beguile * We omit these rhymes for obvious reasons. 28 With a miss who is nameless, (for we wish to be blameless,) And enjoy her cold poisonous smile. * When once you have met her, you'll never forget her And you'll easily know when you see her : If this does'nt cure you, I beg to assure you You've exhausted our pharmacopoeia." A KIDDLE. My First is the heavy misfortune Which victims of Chancery rue : Yet thee, my adored, I importune, Pray accept it — I offer it you. ; Tis formed of my elegant best coat Which cost ready-made two pound nine ; Add this neat fancy kerseymere waistcoat, Under which beats a heart that is thine-. And down from my bosom extending Arrangements prolonged to the feet Fast the knees which to beauty are bending My First, and my wardrobe, complete. 29 At the shrine whither Hymen has beckoned fulfil the sweet hope of my soul ! Make there " a conjunction " (my second)-, And bless, while you double, my whole. THE "LITTLE UNKNOWN" MAKES IT'S BOW TO THE EEADEE. Since your'e anxious to make my acquaintance, I hear, I'll give such a specification Of the parts of my name, as must speedily lead To their easy identification. Well then ; with political views let us start. My first will be found Independent; And though claimed by both sides, and first in debate^ Not caring which gains the ascendant. And next where to find it ; through all the wide world, North, South, East, and West does it roam ; In the land of the Lane and the Swede it is found, And the African desert's it's home. On the shore of the sea you would seek it in vain, Though 'tis seen in the billowy tide ; And the mountain and valley must own that to it They owe nearly half of their pride. 30 From weddings 'tis banished, though oddly enough To the bride indispensable quite ; The Bridegroom ca'nt leave it behind, nor the pair "Without it, be wedded aright. In a thousand more ways it might well be described, Though still indescribable reckoned : But of course you have long before this found it out, So we'll straightway proceed to my second. Take a walk in the country ; whenever you turn, You will hear it or see it around ; It is born in the banks, from the hedges it springs, And in posts not unfrequently found. It is thin, it is long, with a tail, and without, Triangular, oblong, and round ; A distinction, a promise, a messenger too, A remark, and a sum, and a sound. Not much of a lawyer, though doubtless the bar Without it deficient would be, And the Judges themselves bear it's family mark, Like all of exalted degree. It oft condescends to embellish the foot Of the humblest of pages, and yet In Royalty's pocket 'tis carried about Enveloped in rich silken net. A light in dark passages, yet not a lamp ; A pony,* with no tail or mane : * In racing" phrase, 31 To the needy most welcome, and chiefly to those Who part with it soonest again. 'Tis inquisitive rather sometimes, so they say, Indulging in interrogation ; And at anything novel, or sudden, or strange, Expressing most marked admiration. It sleeps in brass tubes, till the warrior's breath: On a sudden awakes it to life ; And often such rousing, when War is abroad, Is the sign for commencing the strife. 'Tis the child of a fiddle, that instrument gay,. That has three or four " strings to it's bow; "' And the fife and the drum are it's parents as well,. As soon as you give them a "blow." " Garcon ! " says John Bull, " Youlez vous a moi bring " Mon bill ?" " Bien m'sieur, dat is yes" The sprightly attendant, scarce gone, reappears, And brings — what your'e trying to guess. r Tis a very great traveller, formerly wont, 'Neath the wing of a pigeon to sail ; But flying's too slow in these go-ahead days, So it now whisks about by the rail. All snugly enveloped ; and as 'tis it's wish That it's loyalty well may be seen, [You'll laugh at the notion], it wears on it's cloak A little square print of the Queen. 32 It's body is frail, quite transparently thin, Yet it's pnlse is the pulse of the nation ; For the general wealth and the briskness of trade Correspond with it's quick circulation. ^N"ow as to my whole ; I'm a verb, you must know, Which you all very constantly need ; In warning, and showing, and giving of signs, Most active and useful indeed. In nature and art nearly all that exists I use, as occasion requires ; And besides have an infinite number of slaves Who exclusively wait my desires. Barometers, figures, and marks of all kinds, Letters, and little brass hands, Weathercocks, signposts, and beacons, and flags^ Most actively do my commands. To catalogue all that I turn to account Would certainly take up the day ; But if you do'nt guess me, thai fact I shall use In an uncomplimentary way. My first is expressed satisfaction. My second a rural attraction. My ivhole is a business transaction. 33 Final result of a philosopher's meditations and experience. Happiness, temporal and eternal, depends exclusively on a quiet conscience and good digestion. Question — Why are clever hypocrites like telescopes ? .Answer — Because they require drawing out before they can be seen through. Question — Why are fairies in a ballet like French dishes" .Answer — Because they are dressed with champignons. THE LIMEBICK MAIL. The Great South- Western Bail way of Ireland which runs from Dublin to Cork treats the good town of Tipperary with rather unceremonious neglect, omitting to pay it's respects to it in person, and merely extending a branch 34 thither to deliver the live and dead consignments due to it, and receive it's contributions in return. From some unaccountable laxity on the part of the railway directors, no certain information was, some time since, vouchsafed to the public about the times observed on the branch line, so that travellers on being deposited at the point of junction of the Tipperary offshoot with the parent trunks were frequently doomed to find their cherished hopes of dinner and bed blasted by the withering intelligence that there was no train to convey them to their destination. It was once the misfortune of your humble servant, re- spected reader, to find himself placed in this undesirable position raider circumstances sufficiently adverse to entitle his situation to be considered as an unquestionably " unhandsome £x" It was just twelve o'clock on a miserably wet night in October, when on my arrival at the j unction in question, a porter revealed to me that there was no train going on to Tipperary. Sleeping at the Station was impracticable, as the establishment con- sisted only of a shed. Walking four miles to Tipperary in such weather, and along Tipperary roads, was not an enticing thing to contemplate, and as to cars, " the divle of a taste of one " w T as there to be had. Since, however, the Station boasted a small tap, the only course to be immediately pursued was obvious ; namely, to fortify the inner man against the frowns of fate by a glass of screaming hot whiskey and water, light a cigar, and then deliberate on ulterior proceedings. Having adopted this truly philosophical plan, the next thing to be done was to take an observation of the weather, which con- 35 tinned as maliciously wet as could be. Through the dense flood of rain, however, which was falling, I caught a dim swimmy glimpse of the red body of a mail coach waiting for letters. " Where does that coach go to ?" " Limerick Sir." "Put my bag inside ; " and in about twelve seconds more, through extreme fatigue, aided perhaps in it's ■soporific efforts by other considerations not entirely un- connected with " hot without," I had coiled myself up in a corner of the vehicle, and was plunged in the depths of calm intellectual repose, indifferent to external circum- stances, and deliciously unconscious of anything whatever. How long this trance of whiskey -and water blissfulness lasted I am unable to state. It was suddenly dispelled by a violent jolt forward which caused me to butt my head like a battering ram against what seemed to it to be a row of buttons. It was too dark to see anything, but the buttons formed a ground for conjecturing that there was probably a waistcoat in connection with them somewhere thereabouts, and inside that, the gentleman "as belonged to it." If such was the case, and the gentleman's chest did'nt happen to be an iron one, the settled conviction was inevitable that it must have been stove in by the concussion. Another jolt, sideways, following close upon the ether, caused me to give a cruel dig with my elbows into a substance on my left which felt like the ribs of a human body, and suggested the conclusion that there was an individual in that direction also ; moreover, that if he happened to have such a thing as a liver about him, placed in the usual situation of that organ, that it must now be reduced to a state of minute pulverization, A .36 third concussion which threw me bodily against a large stomach, from it's geographical position apparently appertaining to the proprietor of the buttons, gave me a very vivid idea that something was happening. Indeed, something seemed to have already occurred, for the coach was so inclined to one side that it was difficult to under- stand why it did'nt tip over altogether. On putting my head out of window, I found a gigantic fellow, who proved to be the coachman, assisted by the guard and a couple of other men, tugging at the spokes of the off wheels, which had sunk deep into a bog. As the party at intervals united their efforts, an unseen being on the box, rejoicing apparently (from the exhortations constantly addressed to him of " now thin, Mick") in the name of Michael, lashed the horses like a fury. They in return kicked and plunged frantically, so that our jerky process of progression was satisfactorily accounted for. At length after a paroxysm of struggling swearing and kicking more violent than those preceding it, we found ourselves suddenly landed in an horizontal position on terra firma. Then came a bump as if we had run over some large obstacle ; and then away went our steeds shooting down a sharpish hill at full gallop, Mick having maddened them by the flogging he had administered, and being now unable to controul the devil he had raised. By the light of the coach lamps it could be discovered that we were skirting a stone Avail; and on venturing a small peep into futurity, I made the uncomfortable discovery that there sras a sharp turn just ahead of us, and therefore a very itsong probability of our ascertaining experimentally the 37 comparative hardness of the stones and our heads. E therefore prepared for another plunge among the buttons, or a dive into the waistcoat pocket, of my vis a vis. In a few seconds more the expected bump took place, but happily much less violent than could have been anticipa- ted. After disembarrassing my knees of a large mass of fat gentleman which had been tossed into my lap like a soft brickbat, I jumped out to explore the state of affairs. The pole was against the wall, but, marvellously enough, unbroken ; and the horses, though all in a heap,, were " alive," which was equally odd, " and kicking " which was'nt odd at all. In a few moments the guard- came running up to say that the coachman had been run over, and was dying. We all of course hurried back, and found the unfortunate man being carried by two others into a cabin. A light was struck, and certainly the poor fellow's countenance seemed to justify the worst appre- hensions. One at least of the wheels had passed over his thigh, and he fancied that his back was broken. Fortu- nately there was plenty of whisky in the cabin, so we gave him large drams of it to support him. When he had taken three or four stiff tumblers and still called for more, the expediency of allowing him so much struck me as being rather questionable. The other by-standers however thought otherwise, and seem to consider the suggestion of any one's having too much spirits too pre- posterous to be seriously entertained for a moment. My notions of a sufficient allowance of grog, were formed on as low and inadequate an estimate of an Irishman's whisky absorbing capabilities, as were the ideas of a certain little girl who visited the Zoological Gardens, of the big elephant's appetite. "When she had administered three buns to her large friend by very minute instalments, and he still insatiably extended his trunk for more, without manifesting the slightest symptom of becoming " an exhausted receiver," she upbraided him with being " a great greedy thing." Mr. Elephant however was far from showing a proper sense of the justice of the impeach- ment so preferred, for when his tea time came, he found his appetite sufficiently unimpaired by his luncheon to enable him to dispose, without apparent difficulty, of a couple or so of small v^an-loads of cabbages and a truss of hay, moistening his frugal vegetarian repast with about three fourths of a moderate sized pond of water. It may be alleged in his exculpation, that possibly the three buns may have dropped, among a few dozen apples and other miscellaneous delicacies, of which he amasses a large collection on sixpenny days at the gardens, into the cavity of one of his hollow teeth, and so never reached it's contemplated destination. Do not think me unfeeling, gentle reader, in stopping in the narration of our unfor- tunate coachman's accident, to talk nonsense. This account is written some time after the event occurred ; and it may relieve your humane feelings to be told at once that the sufferer eventually proved to hzve sustained much less serious injury than was anticipated. The scene in the cabin was curious. The place itself was as misera- ble and dirty as Irish huts must be while the pig contin- ues to live in the enjoyment of unrestricted social inter- course with the familv circle of his owner. There were two beds, consisting of fragments of hurdles, supported by snort props to keep them out of the mud of the floor ; and on each of these was the phantom of a dirty wisp of straw by way of bedding, These poor caricatures of sleeping places were respectively tenanted by a man and a little boy, his son, who both seemed considerable scared at such an incursion of strangers at such an hour. It was scarcely possible to help laughing at the strong resemblance of the filial nose to the paternal organ ; each of which turned up, or rather was sliced off short, so that the nostrils instead, of modestly deflecting their orifices towards the ground in the orthodox manner, opened horizontally forward, recall- ing a resemblance to the muzzle of a double-barrelled gun levelled point blank at you. Both father and son also were thatched with a Caliban-like mat of tangled hair, unspeakably rough, of the rusty red colour so common to Irishmen, and as ferrugineous in hue as if it had been subjected to frequent affusions from the tap of a Chalybeate Spa. Their toilets, poor fellows, gave them little trouble, for it was evident that their one suit or rather envelope of tatters was always on — so far as anything so slightly connected with their persons could in strictness be said to be ever " on " at all. Of what particular denomina- tion of garment their tatters had originally formed a part defied conjecture. If compelled to hazard a guess, I should have said that at some long anterior period of distant remoteness, they had served their country in a sphere of extended utility as potatoe- sacks : till by age and long service their constitution having become thorough- 40 ly enfeebled beyond the possibility of further repair, they had withdrawn from labours to which their strength was no longer adequate, to form the embellishment of some horticultural scene in the capacity of scarecrows; and eventually, having failed in that character to strike terror to the hearts of small birds by any pretence of resemblance to human attire, they had been adopted by their present owners. It was obvious that they were now rapidly passing into a new phase of being, as tinder. Generally speaking, an Irishman's coat resembles a chess board of which the alternate squares have been cut out, so that tracts of skin, as rough and shaggy as Orson's, as he is represented at minor theatres, are freely disclosed through the vacant spaces. The rapid waning of our inch of rush- light soon began to give us warning that we must decide without delay on what was to be done. "We were in- formed that Limerick was the nearest point where a doctor could be found. Yet the patient seemed so disinclined to move that it was agreed best to leave him, and send medical assistance as soon as possible, However, on my suggesting to him that if we went away he must not have any more whisky, he replied " By G — though, I will, Sir !" with such emphatic quiet resolution, and so evident an intention of drinking himself to insensibility, that we thought it more prudent to bring him on with us. He was therefore placed in the inside of the coach, in as easy a position as could be managed. "We "insides" of course turned out to give him more room, and were near- ly washed off the roof by the violence of the deluge. Mick officiated as coachman. The notions of driving 41 which prevailed in his mind were exclusively confined to the one fixed idea of leaving the reins loose and belabour- ing the horses with the whip ; the consequence of which was, that we scrambled and dashed at full gallop through the mud and water all the way to Limerick, arriving there (to our great surprise, in safety), about five in the morning. Our unfortunate coachman was of course taken at once to his home. We (I multiply myself by two for the sake of euphony) were glad enough to attain the hospitable shelter of Cruise's capital hotel, feeling, as may be supposed after such a ducking, somewhat limp and sodden, and rather disposed to acquiesce in the proposal, had it been made, of hanging us over the back of a chair to dry. In due time we visited the patient, and found he had suffered a good deal of pain, but that the doctor reported no bones broken, and that he would soon be convalescent. The poor fellow was infinitely grateful for a little kindness, and seemed quite cheered by a promise (which we hope yet to fulfil) of coming over to Ireland to have another drive with him. We should certainly prefer to adventure under his conduct rather than under that of our friend Mick, whose views of the management of a team are yet a trifle too vague and unsettled to be compatible with the safety of his passengers ; though, like Jehu, "he driveth furiously." 42 THE DESTROYING ANGEL. My tale is heartrending \ I beg your attending Most gravely, and lending Compassionate ears. You'll all have to cry so r A double supply now Must from each brimming eye flow Of pitying tears. Miss Emily D— How delightful was she ! So remarkably plea- sing attractive and sweet ! The admiring emotion Of youths " on promotion " Made quite a commotion "When they fell at her feet. Such her power to please, That, did she but sneeze, They were down on their knees "With love overcome : And if she did dance They fell all in a trance, Like the Knight in romance. "With extacy dumb. 43 Soft speeches they made ; "Whole fortunes they paid For bouquets, the trade Was never so brisk. Having emptied their purses They tried to write verses, But the Muse so perverse is That's rather a risk ! I said she was pretty, Attractive, and witty, Just the person to fit a- ny very nice man ; ISTo foolish vain scoffer To scorn a good offer, Should somebody proffer A conjugal plan. So people kept saying 'Twas odd her delaying, And still prefer staying ("How could she!") a Miss, Alas ! one sad failing I weep in detailing, Made charms unavailing, Yidelicet, this. Indeed it was serious, Sad, and mysterious, Besides deleterious To all she came near : 44 You knew of her whereabout, So noisy and rare a rout Heard constantly thereabout, Kept people in fear. Through the bump " ruination," Or some conformation Beyond explanation Of body and arm, She broke and upset too, Half killed all she met too, Or soaked them with wet through, iSTot making them warm ! Have you never then heard Of the scene that occurred ? jNow indeed, 'pon my word, All I tell you is true. "With greater eclat Than the world ever saw (Though with one little flaw) She made her debut. The guests long assembled Impatience dissembled ; The hostess sore trembled Eor meat's overdone. We'll own it is trying To wait till eight, sighing Sotto voce " I'm dying, Ten pounds for a bun ! " 45 At length with a clattering The knocker loud battering, Arriving feet pattering Faint spirits revived. Then followed a crashing, Exclamations, glass smashing, And waterdrops dashing : Miss D — had arrived ! Perhaps I should state "What had made her so late ; The usual sad fate Her proceedings had traced. See ! that frock, never worn, Looking rather forlorn All crumpled, and torn From the neck to the waist. And that exquisite pink one, How dreadful to think on ! With splotches of ink on As black as my boot : And that blue one's bright texture Steeped in a rich mixture (Most likely a fixture) Of tallow and soot ! The servant announcing, Names loudly pronouncing Quick followed, in bouncing, Our dangerous friend ; 46 Many heads made a bump on With pitiless thump on, Bringing toes, with a plump on, To a violent end. For going down stairs now The hostess prepares to Send the party in pairs, u- niting them thus. " Yiscount Mould, Lady Musty. " " Colonel Mud; Mrs. Dusty. " " Sir Toad Stool, Miss Eusty. " " Lord Cabby, Miss Buss. " " Lord Charming, Miss D — ." (Still incog, she must be). Well contented was she When, with lowly salaam, Grace and courtesy blending, Politely low bending, His elbow extending, My Lord gave his arm. Lord Charming had station, Heart, mind, education; Much above the creation His pedigree ran : Young, handsome, and rich, With eyes dark as pitch, What housemaids call " sich A de-licious young man ! " 47 With his partner delighted He got so excited By dessert he'd have plighted Most likely, his troth : But 'twas rather dismaying, To the vows he was paying Her fingers kept playing A tune on the cloth. " This is funny behaviour " To thump like a paviour,* " Never lending a grave ear, " Nor noticing me. " Those fingers, " 'od rot 'em," " Since St. Vitus has got 'em, " I wish at the bottom " (So he mused) " of the sea." '"Will nothing engage her? " Does she play for a wager " That triple bob major " On her plate with a spoon ? " What a 'Devil's tattoo!' " Pray stop — that will do — " No ! she's thumping anew The detestable tune ! " But worse things were coming To my lord, than mere numming, Or innocent strumming ; Her elbow goes flap ; 48 And with dreadful commotion (Just guess his emotion !) He receives a whole ocean Of soup in his lap. All over his waistcoat, Down the tails of his dresscoat, (E'en his boots in a mess float) The rich fluid spurts. Like Aaron's fine ointment Which on his appointment Prom his head's highest point went All down to his skirts. "Now dinner was ended The ladies ascended, Lord C's spirits mended, Eejoiced to be free. Ever since, when invited, He says, " ! delighted, But don't kill me quite dead By asking Miss D — ." Our unfortunate Miss Barred from Nuptial bliss, Long languished a mis- anthropic old maid : She set up a tabby, Her temper got crabby, Her cheeks became flabby, Her manners quite staid. 49 But an old cavalier, In his dotage we fear, Of her own age or near, (That's to say sixty three,) In vain having tried all Other dames for a bridal, Getting quite suicidal, Proposed to Miss D — . Gentle reader, this line Prom the bride, begs you'll join JSText Monday, at nine, The connubial group. Your'e coming I'll tell her : Old clothes you may well wear, And bring your umbrella In case there is soup. NEW JONATHAMISMS. 1 . " Madam, your fly is waiting," as the spider ob- served to his wife who was too lazy to eat her breakfast. 2. " How nice you look ! " as the Ojibbeway said as he smacked his lips and looked at a settler he had caught. 50 3. "I feel the force of your argument " as the refractory culprit said when the Policeman hit him on the head with his staff. 4. " No more fish, thank you " as Jonah soliloquized on getting ashore. 5. "You will find ' Rowland's Macassar oil' a most valuable preparation for promoting the growth of hair, " as the Tartar remarked to an enemy whom he had just scalped. 6. " My dancing days are over " as the Will-o'-the- Wisp said when they drained the fen. 7. " I'm passionately fond of children " as the wolf observed on abstracting a fat baby. 8. "He expresses more curiosity than he really feels' ' as the author remarked of a note of interrogation. 9 " How you made me jump to be sure " as the cat exclaimed with a groan on springing on a sparrow at the top of a high rosebush. 10 " The tale is a fiction though founded on fact," as the horsedealer said on grafting a fine flowing artifi- cial switch of horse -hair on the bare stump of an old nag. OLD JONATHA1STSMS. Triste feretrum ! " as Juvenal exclaimed with a shudder on tasting some "Winchester College beer. 51 " Dulcedecus" as Yirgil observed of a sugarplum ornament " Me percussit campus," that is, "I have been smitten by the plain " as a Roman belle observed on marrying a gentleman of very limited personal attractions. " Sic petitur coelum" as Mr. Green said on going up in his balloon ; and " ventis debes ludibrium " as he added on sending offan adventurous lady in a p arachute . " Mmium premendo littus iniquum" " Which I think has been your case " asa gentleman was bold enough to say to the Bishop of Exeter when he put Mr. Shore in prison. " Gratia dis ! " as Ovid cried on winning a game of back- gammon. " Me penes est vasti custodia mundi" as the keeper of Mr. Wyld' s great globe at Leicester square soliloquized. " Hinc canere incipiam " as the kettle murmured when the fire began to get very hot. " Nube candentes humeros amictus " as the traveller said of Mont Blanc. " Heu nimis longo satiate ludo " asa lady apostrophized her little boy who fell asleep in the Pantomine. " Sine fraude crines " — Praise which Horace would have felt to be inapplicable to the luxuriant tresses of certain ladies not so young as formerly. " Exuerint sylvestrem animum, cultuque frequenti, In quascunque voces artes haud tarda sequentur, " Such was Virgil's meditation on seeing a set of rustics undergoing their first drill for the militia. 52 "ELOISA TO ABELARD." OR A LETTER FROM A HOUSEMAID TO HER TRUANT SWEETHEART. Come back ! thou gay deceiver, Restore thy truant love To her as sits a griever Thy lorn and widdered duv. My heart is broke I fear me "While for my swain I pant ; Come back my hown and cheer me, For thou art all I want. Bring back that face divine, Them golden tresses gay ; Them eyes which brightly shine Eclipsing quite the day. Under these chesnut treeses I want them accents dear Yich fell like visperin' breezes Upon my wirgin ear. Even your old umbrello, The very clothes you wear, That pair of slippers yellow, To me are are always dear. 53 Thy battered hat I dote on (Thy odd-shaped head it suits); The stock thy long thin throat on And e'en — those old cloth boots I In doin' of the fender I rub and cry and sob, And with my veepins tender I've rusted all the hob. Or if I ply my brush To make the oil-cloth shiny, My eyes full fountains gush, And make the suds all briny. So, conquered by despair, Aside my tub I lay, Obliged to give the stair- carpets a jubbilee. How I forgets myself ! Absent, through thoughts of thee, Going to the store-room shelf I took no tithe of tea ! ! To leave me after wooing me Would really be too bad ; Think how you'd have been doing me Of the swains I might have had. 54 Tummas, dear, 'tis cruel To leave me thus alone. Come back my flower, my jewel, My beautiful, my own ! Can I forget thee ? never ! no ! whate'er betide, Believe me, I am ever Thine own devoted bride. her Polly X Scrubbins mark. SERENADE OE THE SENTIMENTAL SHOPKEEPER. " Bright angel of my destiny ! Hear thy fond lover's prayer ! (I thought as much, those horrid spikes Have made a dreadful tear.) " "Why tarriest thou, mine own adored, So cruelly, to bless These eyes ? (her mistress don't allow No followers, I guess.) 55 w "Why art so coy ? o hide not, love, That countenance so rich In each angelic charm divine ! (Lor' how my chilblains itch !) " Can'st then unworthy thraldom brook ? Can'st bend to tyranny ? Nay, thither flee where wait for thee Love, (and a one-horse fly.) " Take refuge here, within these arms No evil need'st thou fear ; ( ! if their surly footman John Should come and catch me here !) " Behold, what vistas bright of wealth And bliss before thee shine ! (A tidy business in the wood, Coal, and potatoe line.) " See too this token, love, I plead, The vow thou mad'st herewith ; (Yes, Martha, yes, you promised me That you'd be Mrs. Smith.) H Think' st thou I could desert thee then In danger, death, or woe ? (There's some one at the pantry door ! Eerhaps I'd better go.)" [Exit with considerable precipitation,] 56 ANSWERS TO COEEESPONDENTS. FROM THE SECOND NUMBEE OF " THE RUSHLIGHT. " L.C. Henry VIII did not marry Boadicea an the morn- ing after the battle of Marathon. H.P. Cicero was, we believe, lessee of the Haymarket Theatre in 1789. ♦ H.E.P. Cows eyes are not generally made of sugar, though those of bulls sometimes are. E.M.P. " Venice Preserved " is not a pickle. C.M.E. The Great St. Leger was never, to our recollec- tion, won by a towel horse. A.E.J. The elephant who broke his trunk last year was admitted to the hospital for disorders of the chest. C.H.B. Gold and silver fish are spawned from those which are hung at the doors of fishing tackle shops. J.L.R. " Erench leaves " are not always taken from the gardens in the Tuilleries. Botanically, they belong to the natural order " coolhandaceee." M.A.J* The book called " Mason's Gray" is an account of a favourite white nag of Mr* Mason'g. 57 ff.F. Mr. Moses had not quite finished painting his mart in the minories when he led the Israelites through the Eed Sea. W.D.S. Kaphael's " lodges " were not at the entrance of his park EBOM THE SAME. NOTICE TO TALLOW CHAKDLEES AND OTHEES; We wish strongly to recommend to public notice the valuable patent matches of Misses # and Company,, by which this Eushlight was rekindled. There is nothing deleterious in their composition, which consists simply of a grain of fun, two ditto of good temper, and one fourth of a grain of nonsense. "We are about to issue a second order for these matches, and hope to receive some specimens also from other patentees, as those only who help to kindle the Eushlight can enjoy it's light The patent bellows of the above spirited firm have also 58 been found remarkably effective in blowing young sparks into a flame. We venture in conclusion to express a hope that all the young ladies of our acquaintance will make good matches. - A FABLE. [Addressed to * # in danger from a fair cousin staying with him.] There walked in a garden, slow, sober, sedate, A Youth, plunged in deep meditation ; Eor the serious question of changing his state, And taking the charming Miss * for his mate, "Was the theme of his deliberation. His heart whispered " marry," but prudence said " no No wonder his mind was distracted i Till a small globe of froth, like a flake of fresh snowi Many-coloured as Iris's glittering bow> Our ponderer's notice attracted * i)i 59 Bed, yellow, and violet, purple, and green, "Were refracted therein and reflected ; [Such things you, sweet reader, must often have seen, And therefore know perfectly well what I mean] — Little bubbles in parties collected. Our friend, the phenomenon further to see, Curiosity tempted to linger ; And he took, greatly wondering what it might be, [For the truth must be owned, a sad Cockney was he] The froth on the tip of his finger. Then wishing ulterior search to pursue As to what such a ball might contain, He breathed on it : sudden ! each gossamer hue Disappeared, and the bubbles dispersed into dew In an infinitesimal rain. The bubbles and rainbow were gone, and behind There remained, to his finger tight clinging, A green little maggot, round, bloated, and blind, In a very unaimiable cross frame of mind, Which it showed by incessantly stinging. " Even so," mused our Coelebs, " does Hymen's stern reign " Light frothy appearances banish; " "When the fair fisher- woman has netted her swain, " Accomplishments thenceforth neglected remain, " And graces illusory vanish. 60 " And man, silly dupe, when he thinks that a ring " Has the love of an angel secured, " Dismayed, clasps a grublike inanimate thing, " "Which, (if not exactly possessed of a sting,) " Has a tongue that can never be " cured." " So then many thanks, little maggot, to thee " For affording such food for reflection; [Here he gently replaced the small grub on a tree} '• For the fair all my feelings in future shall be " Confined to Platonic affection." BLAEKTEY CASTLE. [We need not insult the reader by observing that kissing: the "Blarney stone" is supposed to secure the faculty of eloquence.] Nobody of course thinks of visiting Cork without seeing the celebrated castle and groves of Blarney, which are only three or four miles distant from the city. The castle is a rather picturesque old ruin with a high tower. The " Groves " consists of some pretty gardens adjoining. 61 Wishing of course to do the whole duty of " Tourists," 1 and at the same time improve our command of our verna- cular by kissing the Blarney Stone, we desired to have- that famous mineralogical specimen pointed out to us, for the purpose of paying our respects to it in the orthodox fashion. Our guide, a half- fossilized old lady, as wrink- led and tanned as a Normandy pippin, showed us first a stone of inferior virtue, which she insisted must be kissed previously to the one which is so celebrated as the con- ferrer of fluency. We obediently went through this preparatory ceremonial with as much tender seriousness as we could muster. When however our friend pro- ceeded to suggest that we should extend our endearments to five or six other stones, each rougher than the last, we began to be apprehensive that we were being put through an initiatory system or course of salutation-practice ? , designed to introduce us gradually to the far sterner labour of an amatory performance on the undainty cheek of the antiquated old Gorgon herself. Kissing the flints was simply silly, but we felt that on the question of the old Irishwoman, our feelings, not to say stomachs, would have recoiled from any projects of approach, as decisively as they are said to forbid the still we believe unachieved feat of eating a sugared oyster. We therefore declined to operate on more than three or four stones, and so preserved our lips from a state of excoriation which would have proved an effectual bar to fluency, and involved the necessity of resort to liberal applications of cold cream and lipsalve. The fact (it is said) is, that the real stone of gift-of- the- gab-conferring efficacy holds an exalted 62 situation halfway up the Castle wall, and is therefore inaccessible to the general public. A giraffe indeed might possibly avail itself of it's advantages, but those animals lave hitherto manifested a singular absence of excitement on the subject, amounting indeed to a totally apathetic indifference to the opportunities of self-improvement "which are thus open to them. We cannot say that we found our powers of expression materially extended by our visit to Blarney. Prom subsequent experience, I am disposed to think that the apple market at Cork is the best school for acquiring the gift of fluency. It must however be confessed that the particular style of oratory there displayed is apt to become at times over impassion- ed ; and, under the impulse of excitement, the " argumenta ad hominem," or more properly speaking, " ad fo3minam,' , are occasionally more florid in their character than a severe and rigid chastity of style might sanction. On the oc- casion of my visit to the Mart in question, a little playful badinage was going on between certain of the female dispensers of the bounties of Pomona, which resulted eventually in the irruption of a strong body of constabulary, and the incarceration, after a desperate scrimmage, and a lamentable destruction of pipes, of all parties engaged in the discussion. It was our sad fate at school some years since, to be dragged through a classical treatise on the Art of eloquence, of most depressing dreariness. The dull cut- and-dried maxims and precepts which the author therein inculcates, though couched no doubt in exquisite Latin, form as dusty a collection of rubbish as devoid of any practical utility or interest as ever were compiled by man. 63 It still makes us yawn to think of the drowsy hours that we used to spend over the interminable pages of that hateful disquisition ; to be roused after a time, perhaps, from a state of calm desperation into the activity of de- risive indignation at the wretchedness of the miserable quibbles which the Author proposes as model jokes. Therefore, gentle reader, should you be afflicted with a monomania for becoming an orator, and are bent on employing all the artificial methods of attaining that desired consummation, eschew " Cicero de Oratore." Go rather to Blarney. Kiss affectionately all the stones in it's old walls, till the friction has filed down your nose from that exquisite aquiline (for which, without knowing you, we give you, in our friendliness, unhesitating credit) to the form of a fiatbottomed turnip radish. Excoriate your lips till youhave amassed a tall pyramid of empty pommade pots on your dressing table, and communicated a feverish animation to the lipsalve trade ; and finally, crown your martyrdom by the culminating penance of embracing the Gorgon. You have our best wishes for your preserva- tion through that formidable ordeal. ME. BELL. j [Mr. Yores, incumbent of the Church of St. Mary-in-the- hill at Hastings, gave, in the winter of 1848, readings of 64 Macaulay's History of England to parties of ladies who worked during the process ; whence the reunions came tc have the name of "Working parties." Envious persons said that spinster ladies found the handsome curate Mr. Bell a greater attraction than Macaulay. Miss Eleanor * while dressing for a "Working party" was overheard to soliloquize in the following manner, which may per- haps elucidate the point respecting Mr. Eell.] How nice these small reunions are ! Our Yicar reads so well ; (Besides one rather likes to meet That charming Mr. Bell.) The Hastings spinsters mightily Do dote upon the Pel- ham Chapel, but the attraction is The enchanting " Chapel Bell." The " Chapel " I too own I love When 'tis without the l el/ Eor o ! the " chap " is my delight The handsome Mr. Bell. How rapturously I gaze upon Those whiskers, and the del- icate complexion of that dear Delightful Mr. Bell, Such teeth ! such eyebrows, and such eyes ! Such fingers, and such el- 65 egant feet, and so sweet a voice Has the melodious Bell. Its " bells " let Canterbury boast ; The Scotch vow their' s excel, But ! their Uu^ejls never will Compare with* "that 'ere bell." (harebell!) The other night our gazes met then it was I fel- t Macaulay not alone was re(a)d When I saw Mr. Bell. We supped ; with love and extacy 1 felt my bosom swell ; How sweet did seem each ice and cream When brought by Mr. Bell. But much I fear small chance have I "Within his heart to dwell ; For all the ladies set their caps To < cap'tivate the Bell. The Misses D, Miss B, Miss E,, And J — ss — e, J — e, and N — 11, Miss Sm — th, Miss Cr — ke, and fifty more All pulling at this Bell. Though envious ladies say you think Of charming more than rel- igion, yet I will always be Your " clapper," Mr, Bell. 66 If I were Queen, the very first Bishopric that vacant fell I'd give to you, end put you in The se(e)a my diving-Bell. Gladly a Cockney would I be 'Mid London smoke to dwell, Always to he within the sound Of my beloved " Beau-Bell." The other night be " wrung " my hand Whispering I was "a belle;" "But o ! thought I, do drop the " e," And call me Mrs. Bell. If to my heart " a-peal " he'd made, I'd have become his (k)nell ; Besides, 'twould be a novelty To be " ringed" by a Bell. AN INCIDENT IN CHESTER TEEEACE, MAY 29th, 1850. The blazing tide of yellow light Ebbed down the western sky. 67 And shadowy evening's filmy mists CLept onward stealthily. What time the timid violet Yeiled her bright eye's gay beam Lest the cold clammy dews of night Should dim it's golden gleam. Two nymphs, at such soft witching hour, Their lovely forms displayed To careless graceful ease resigned Beneath the greenwood shade : In converse sweet ; but suddenly They start, and gaze around, Like wild-deer, when with beating heart She hears the opening hound. Nay, foolish tremblers, start not thus ; ~No impious voice or eye Of dull gross child of clay would dare To invade your privacy. 'Twas but the sorrowing nightingale Wooing the modest rose ; Or the beetle humming his drowsy song To lull you to repose. Perchance 'twas that the Zephyr, while With irolicsome caresses He gambolled, tossing merrily Yon willows soft green tresses, 68 Alas ! too late repenting him Of play ungently rash, Hassome too delicate a stem Snapped with a tiny crash. But list ! that warning voice again ! The nymphs look up, and see A most nn-Zephyr-like thing who roars " Jess ! will you come to tea. !" OX THE VIEW FKOM THE FAULHOBK " surely scene was never wrought " By Nature's wizard hand " In her bright fancy's happiest mood " So beautiful and grand ! So mused I, as on Eaulhorn's side One afternoon I lay, And from that glorious i belvedere ' Watched the declining day. In front the Giant Wetterhorn Like some grim fortress rose ; i 69 And his glacier-robe swept his feet below "With a glittering train of snows. Above, the mighty piles of ice (So wondrously they gleamed Tower on tower, spire on spire,) Like fairy city seemed. Sudden, as sank the sun, those peaks Of Crystal clear and cold, As though by touch of alchemist, Glowed deep like molten gold. Long time I fain would there have stayed Eegardless of the advance Of evening with her chilling dews, "Wrapped in delicious trance. But envious clouds of threatening hue Across the sky 'gan hurry ; And the wind brought a whispered sound " Matilda ! where' s our Murray? " A LECTURE AT THE ROTUNDA AT DUBLIN. One evening during the dull season at Dublin, my atten- tion (as I prowled about in search of amusement) was attracted by a notice that Mrs. * * would lecture 70 in one of the rooms at the Botunda on something con- nected with the encumbered-estates-commission, but what particular point the lady had selected for elucidation appeared not by the advertisement, nor, subsequently, did she herself appear to have formed any very definite notions on the subject. She sat, poor soul, in a sort of ambush waiting for her prey at the door of the lecture room, with a mighty bundle of tickets and a capacious money bag, fondly deluding herself with the expectation that half the elite of Dublin were coming to be enlightened ; but at the time of my arrival there were only two or three, or it might have been four, people in the room, one of whom, from the vehement periodical gratification that he mani- fested at precisely regular intervals during the course of the lecture, suggested the suspicion that he enjoyed the advantage of not being altogether unconnected with the lady lecturess. There were also two little boys (who could not be supposed to be attracted by any particularly vivid interest in the working of the Encumbered-estates- commission) so very much better behaved than little boys usually are or ought to be, in fact so painfully and un- naturally good, as to cause strong misgivings in the minds of the other spectators that they had the proud privilege of calling our instructress mama. The audieuce having swelled at last to the number of eight, the lecturess began her discourse with a most woefully and intolerably dull history of somebody's pedigree. Happily, how- ever, for us, some dancing dogs and monkies were performing in the next room, so that we had the full benefit of the music, and of the cheerful gushes of 71 merriment proceeding from the spectators of the rival entertainment. Being unwilling to wound the good lady's feelings by manifesting a want of interest in her discourse, I glided gradually and silently to the door, and stealthily emanated thereby ; but as the rest of the- audience, taking the hint, appeared almost instantaneous- ly in a similar manner in the pasage, the probabilities are strongly in favour of our talented friend's having finished her evening in a strictly quiet and domestic manner, in the society of her husband and two little boys. I hope- so! A Lady having observed that a certain person was very like his Dog Billy, the individual in question thus acknowledged the compliment. Now do you really mean to say A likeness you can see ? A very handsome fellow then I certainly must be ! You flatter though, for Billy's face Is fair, and mine's a dark one, Like coal-black-Rose's, whose jet cheek Ink made a snowy mark on ! * • (Aj being so much lighter In colour.) 72 Perhaps if he wrote poetry, That might resemble mine. My English rhymes are " doggrel " verse, Mj Latin verse, " canine. " But, grateful for the compliment, I hope you'll ever find Your friends, like Billy, always prove Unchanging, firm, and kind. These qualities so excellent Most prominently show, But many, not so obvious, Lie unobserved below. Tell him a secret ; on his faith You safety may depend : A resolute protector, he, An entertaining friend ; Eor when gay wit exhausted flags, And mirth begins to fail, Billy alone is never found Without a " waggish ta(i)le." In all his ways he shows himself A pattern of gentility ; To no one ever offered, he The slightest incivility. Except the affair of honour once "With the detested Rattz, 73 And the slight misunderstanding with The family of Kattz. Of " puppyism " in his youth He suffered much accusal, But failings common to his race May surely claim excusal. No misdemeanour e'er has he Been guilty of, save one ; [And pray what saint could say as much ?] He stole a mutton bone. And readily did we forgive That first and last offence, For no one ever shewed so much Unfeigned penitence. In fine, if people generally Had a few more of his Good qualities, the world would be Much better than it is. Farewell ! and for the compliment You've paid me, I intend To rank you, after Billy, my Most venerated friend. 74 NEW WORDS TO THE " IVY GREEN Tide Pickwick, Chaptee 6. a brisk young blade is the lively fl — a I A forager brave and bold ! Like a jolly fat alderman revelletb he, And feasteth on young and old. O'er Queen and o'er beggar alike he goes To tickle his dainty whim, And the soft little plump little baby's nose Is a delicate meal for him. Creeping — creeping — creeping where no life you se> A brisk young blade is the lively f — . Whole ages shall pass and their works decay, And nations be scattered quite ; But changes and chances never shall stay Our friend's lively appetite. O'er featherbeds hopping, his maw to fill, At midnight still wandereth he : Eor highest and lowest we all must still Be food for the lively f — . Creeping — Creeping — &c , 75 THE 'NEW REFORM RILL.'* 'Tis a trite observation enough, that a rage Eor rapid advance is the mark of our age. Lo ! daily achieving fresh victories, Science Old Error triumphantly sets at defiance. Whole tribes of deep mysteries ending in " ology '* Are studied, except oar old friend the mythology. ISTo wonder 'tis so, for King Jupiter far In power and pride is eclipsed by the Czar, And the great Hebrew melodist, musical Moses, More wonderful strains than Apollo composes. The testy old Juno with envy has seen How heartily Englishmen doat on their Queen, And is fain to acknowledge, in matters of state, Her notions of government quite out of date. At length, as we hope, after much hesitation The Court of Olympus intends alteration : Should such a Reform Bill be passed, we presume The Muses will don the new Bloomer Costume. Terpsichore chiefly will relish the notion In polking 'twill greatly facilitate motion : And shortly her talented sister Thalia, "No longer from Phoebus will borrow his lyre, But something entirely different, which is Inconceivable wholly videlicet — — — , 76 Other deities, mimicking their good example, On their old-fashioned garments and habits -will trample :: In long satin skirts then Apollo will rustle, And grace adventitious acquire by a . Diana will follow the fashion so far As to talk of casinos, and smell of cigar : Sweet Yenus will revel in waistcoats, like Toots, * And stump about Delos in Wellington boots. Our friend Colonel Mars will appear on parade With the new " metropolitan rifle brigade ; " And learned Minerva will mount a cravat, For a helmet, a " patent collapsible hat : " And the wicked who dare with Jove's thunders to trifle- Will be shot ' at long range ' by his minie rifle. The Syrens, those dangerous flirts, shall not harm Poor sailors decoyed by their musical charm ; But returning at last to behaviour much properer Will from their " Strand theatre " come to the Opera, And cause only "storms" of applause, and make "squalls" For those who can " raise enough wind" for the stalls. Old Neptune will yield his command of the main ; (Screw Steamers have lately usurped his domain) : And Bacchus must turn "total-abstinence" lecturer, Since people enamoured of " Soyer's rich nectar " are. Poor Mercury's all in the dumps, for alas! With him, things are come to a terrible pass ; Like other " conveyancers," sadly ill-paid, And railways are utterly spoiling his trade. 2f« chance of his having to carry a letter, * Vide "David Copperfield-"' 77 That's done for a penny so very much better ; Tor heavier matters the gods vote him slow, And have taken to patronize Piekford and Co. ; And as to express-work, that Wheatstoue has wreckeditalL And "put out his pipe " with his horrid electrical ; "With a rival like that competition was vain, Ten questions a second, and answered again ! Tis said that a lucrative part of his trade is To marshall poor ghosts to the regions of Hades ; But railways and quacks, with their murderous tricks,. Absorb all the traffic from hence to the Styx. So indeed, though the change of condition is sad, He'd be glad of a place as an omnibus " cad," Or to flame in the Company's glowing red livery Of the " London and General parcels delivery." Soon will Pluto be forced by the march of the age To abdicate Hades, and come on the stage ; Por Tisiphone's halls, and the Stygian fen, Are pleasant retreats as compared with Cayenne : And Cerberus snarling with triple-toothed armoury Is'nt half such a Tartar as Paris gendarmerie. Ere long then at Astley's his dreadful ex-majesty Will appear in the pantomime " Pluto Eex, travesties"* To the wild inexpressible gratification Of little boys home for the Christmas vacation : See ! he waggles a huge Brobdignagian head, And wields for a sceptre a pitchfork instead, With a nose all phosphoric, and flame-coloured crown r Till presto ! begone ! change ! and lo ! he is clown ! 78 SURELY YOU MUST BE MISTAKEN.' 5 A TEAGEDY, JN OXE ACT. Dramatis Persona. Mrs. Easydupe, a lady of confiding charity. Monsieur Polisson Scapin, a French political refugee, not sufficiently appreciated in English Society. Police Constable W, of the E division. Scene. A lady's morning room ; breakfast things and several letters on the table. Enter Mrs. Easydupe. " Come, Come, a pretty tolerable crop of letters this morn- ing ! more than usual I think, though the Postman is always pretty liberal in his favours to me. Since engaging myself so actively in the service of charitable institutions I am sometimes quite flooded with communi- cations respecting them. Let us see what the first letter has to say for itself : (looking at the seal) " P.J.I.E.P." on the seal; o yes, the " Propagation of the Jews in foreign parts." I believe our operations are now on a very extended scale ; (reads) merely the usual circular. (Taking another) what is this ? yes, I guessed as much, -" The Australian-aborigines-and-general-barbarian-ame- lioration-and-molrification-soeiety." Capital undertaking this ! (reads) want more funds they say ; well they shall have them, and most welcome. I cannot think how it is that we do not get more subscriptions. I should have 79 supposed now that we should have had great difficulty in controuling the eagerness of the crowd of applicants, who would have been anxious to engage in a project of such peculiar interest. Next, (taking another letter) comes a note from our worthy secretary of the " Ojibbeway-moral- and-religious-tract-distribution-institute." Now there is some difference, I am aware, in the judiciousness of various charitable undertakings, however otherwise- praiseworthy, but I am quite sure there can be none about this. They tell me that those poor benighted savage Ojibbeways actually eat one another ! How shockingly wrong ! So unwholesome too ! It is to be feared that they must be lamentably deficient in sound principle. How- ever there are now good grounds for hoping that such objectionable practices will soon cease, for our society's beautiful little tracts can scarcely fail to exert the most salutary influence. I am sure those engaging little vil- lage tales "Tidy Tommy," "Maria Meekly," and "Simple Sally " would mollify the most savage heart. I do'nt remember bye the bye that anything was done about translating them into the Ojibbeway language; and possibly, after all, those wild people might not be able to read, supposing they had been translated ; or at any rate might not be at all inclined to take the trouble to do so : however, we must hope of course for the best. Now for number three, (takes another letter). this it seems is an invitation to join a newly formed society which has, apparently, a most laudable object in view. It calls itself " The Caffre trouser-aad-petticoat-introduction-associa- tion." Such a plan mast, I am sure, recommend itself 80 1;o any one with even the faintest notions of propriety. 1 will certainly write to the Secretary, and desire him to add my name to the list of members : and, by the way, it occurs to me that it may be desirable to suggest to him at the same time, that as we shall have to speak of the matter in mixed assemblies, we should, for obvious reasons, modify our title into the " Canre-inexpressible-and-in- conceivable-recommendation-association." What comes next? (taking another letter). " The Omnibus drivers' gratuitous-cold-beef-distribution-society. " I am sure we ■are doing right there : a thing of the kind was so much wanted ; as is conclusively proved by the prodigious con- sumption of cold beef, which I am happy to say is most unparalleled ; amounting indeed to something quite preternatural, and forming a striking social phenomenon •of a deeply interesting and pleasing character. Then here (taking another letter) is an humble solicitation for a •contribution to the " Coalheavers' white kid glove fund;" also (taking another letter) a similar request on behalf of the " Philanthropic institution for the protection of London cats." Here (taking another letter) we have a report from the " Cabmen and general ablution alliance :" also, (taking another letter) a circular from the " Small Sweep sympathetic society." Poor dear little boys ! I'm sure I would' nt have any chimney of mine swept on any account (though the soot does come down rather too copi- ously at times) for fear they should make one of those poor little innocent victims climb up it. I am glad to find this (taking another letter) because it is a little note from a society which I have at heart perhaps more than 81 any other, " The Charity- Children- chilblain-lotion-dis- pensary." "We relieved, in the course of last winter, more than ten thousand little sufferers, afflicted by an aggregate amount of fifteen thousand chilblains. I'm rejoiced to hear (opening another letter) from Mrs. I^oodlesoft that the " Charitable-convict-conciliation- company " is so flourishing. I cannot think what the poor dear people who are so unfortunate as to be trans- ported, would do on their return to this country, unless somebody took care of them. And they really are, if people would only believe it, so extremely deserving. Their hearts are softened by their sufferings, for they always seem so good and gentle and grateful for the little help we give them, and are so sincere in their intentions of amendment. There was a most touching instance of the kind, which came under my own immediate notice. Let me see, what was his name ? Lovingspoon, I think. Well, he heard of our operations, and was anxious, with my poor assistance, again to become an useful member of society. I do not think he could ever have become an ornament also to society, poor fellow ! for he was so marked with the small-pox, and he had lost the bridge of his nose, and also had had one eye knocked out (by a fall down st?irs, I think he said) and he was moreover so unfor- tunate in the general expression of his countenance, that, as I said before, I do .not think he could ever have hoped to become an ornament to his country, physionomically considered. Well, the dear fellow used to come every day about luncheon time, in a sociable way, to consult me about his plans, and for a little general good advice : 82 and it was altogether so pleasant. Let me see, he came every day I think for a month — November, I think, no, December — no it was November after all. I recollect now, because it was just then that I lost my jewels, and he was so very sorry indeed about it. At last he could' nt come any more, for they most unjustifiably shut him up in Newgate. Poor dear fellow ! I never heard exactly what reason they alleged for treating him so harshly, except that it was something in connexion with some spoons. They must have been all sadly mistaken if they suspected him of stealing, for I never saw a person so earnestly good. I remember hearing that when they searched him at the Station House, they found a great deal of ladies' jewellery upon him, most likely some or- naments which the good generous soul had saved up his little earnings to buy as a present for somebody. How- ever it was an unlucky circumstance that he happened to have them about him just then, because it was so liable to misinterpretation by people who did'nt know the sterling worth of his character so well as I did. Yes, I remember their saying (as if that was any corroboration of the justice of their suspicions !) that one of the rings they found upon him had Lord Goldnose'& name on it. Now my poor friend was acquainted with Lord Goldnose, at least he told me once that he had been at Lord Gold- nose's house one night, and he smiled too, I recollect, when he mentioned the circumstance (his smile was any- thing but pleasant certainly !) and I dare say he took up the ring then by mistake ; he was so absent. On one occasion he put my smelling bottle into his pocket, and 83 was so much obliged to me (as I happened to observe it) for calling his attention to the circumstance. Poor dear fellow ! so amiable and sociable, and so simple that a child might have led him, He was quite the idol of his friends, who had more scope than myself for observing his fine qualities. By way of endearment I am told that they never called him by his proper name, but addressed himby the playful little soubriquet of "the polite prigster." Well, well ! he is in Newgate, poor fellow ! Now I must just read this last letter, and then have breakfast. It is (opening it) in the handwriting of Aminadab Spoon, our excellent president of the " French-and-general-fugitive- foreigner friendship and fraternization society." What does he say ? (reads) " Dear Mrs. Easy dupe ; Knowing how warmly your dear, generous, and philanthropic heart interests itself in the practical working of our society, I have ventured to send you an individual, a most interest- ing person, at whose disposal I purpose placing some of the Society's funds. It is a case calculated to excite our deepest sympathy, while we rejoice that an opportunity is offered of proving indisputably to the world the admir- able utility of our institution. Monsieur Scapin Polisson (such is his name) is a distinguished political refugee, of a noble French family, and reduced by the revolution of 1848 to embarrassed circumstances. He will relate to you his touching tale in his own thrilling words. He begged to be allowed to call on you, not with the view of soliciting pecuniary assistance, bnt merely to see and clasp by the hand Her whom he knows and loves already sis the friend and benefactress of his countrymen in mis- 84 fortune and to derive what little comfort he may from engaging your sympathy with him in his affliction. I have therefore presumed on your kindness so far as to venture to tell him that he might call on you tomorrow at ten o'clock. I am, dear Mrs, E, your's very faithfully, Aminadab Spoon." Dear me (looking at her watch) it is now just ten. I must get breakfast over before my visitor comes." (Bustles about, and presently a knock is heard at the door.) Enter Polisson Scapin. P. Scapin. "MadameEasydupe,yourtreshumileserviteur. I have solicited de honneur to make you dis leetle visite from your tres estimable ami le monsieur Aminadab Spoon. But I see dat your ladyship has not yet bad her dejeuner. Should you vish dat I should call at a leetle later?" Mrs. E. " by no means !. pray take a seat Mr. Scapin, May I offer you some breakfast ?" P. Scapin. " Tousand tanks, I am obliged innniment, mais non. Les malheurs, madame, m'ont enleve l'appetit des longtemps. I ask madame her pardon, but I no speak de goot English." Mrs. E. " Pray Sir, be seated. Allow me to offer you something. Pray try to eat : it will be prudent to take a morsel, if only for the sake of your health." P. Scapin. " Madame, you are an ange descendu des cieux ! I will take den de least leetle baga- telle." (pockets a spoon by way of carrying out his intentions, and begins eating vora- ciously). 85 Mrs. E. "I take the deepest interest in your afflictions,. Sir. If you will relate your story to me, you will find that I sympathize with you most cordially." P. Scapin. " Madame is too good — she is too kind — yes I shall make hertheconte of my misfortunes, and shall bless her for her sympathy with de malheureux." (laying one hand on his heart, and with the other surreptitiously 'adopting' another spoon.) "Madame, you see before you one of de noble famille de Scapin Polisson; de Scapin Polisson, who, de while notre tres cher Louis Philippe was on the trone was de friend — l'ami cheri of de king. We vas as brothers, there was no secret hid de one from the other, we had swored an amitie eternelle. Quant a moi, madame, I vas riche ; my chateau vere de king come to* make me de leetle visites yas de most joli of all de France. My hearth was entoure by de most beaux enfans of all de monde — six daughters with faces like de rose and eyes like de star, vat you call in England de bright vairies, and my Louise (with emotion) mon epouse— ah she vas. .,..." (sobs) (then raising his head and observing a portrait hanging on the wall) "mais que vois je ? vat is dat I see ? dat picture !" (points to it earnestly. Mrs. E. looks at it, whereon the Scapin takes the opportunity of abstracting 86 her smelling-bottle) who is dat r les yeux ! Tair divin ! les cheveux ! regardez madame ! (keeps her attention directed to the picture, while he successively pockets the sugar tongs, forks, &c.) oui ! — voyez ! — mais cene sepeut pas ! c'est impossible, and yet dereis but one being in de world with ces beaux yeux — oui c'est elle ni&me !" Mrs. E. " Sir ! that picture ? That is my portrait !" P. Scapin. "Ah Madame comme done je vous aime ! comme je vous adore ! (stretches forth his hands in an impassionate manner, and takes the opportunity of pouncing on her watch unobservedly). Madame, du fond dece cceur je (overcome) Madame, I said dat you vas an ange descendu des cieux, you so ressemblez to ma tres chere Marie." Mrs E. "I beg your pardon Sir! but I thought I understood you that her name was Louise.'' 1 P. Scapin. (with confusion) "Ah y-e-e-s c'est Marie, but I did call her Louise as a petit soubriquet de tendresse, vat you call a leetle nicky name." Mrs. E. (aside) " Ah what a touching trait of charac- ter ! how charming these little peeps of the playfulness of domestic affection are !" (meanwhile the Scapin is pocketing a mis- cellaneous collection of articles.) " Pray dear Sir, continue your delightful narrative." I\ Scapin. (very seriously) " Madame, all dis bonheur 87 dont je jouissais vas tout a coup, all of de sud- den evanoui — like to a puff of fumee — Dere came de Revolution — mon ami — mon com- pagnon — mon frere — mon roi, vas arrache de mon sein and vos chasse de son trbne par de barbares republicains, and for dat dey did know dat I vas fidele to mon roi, dey make a conjuration for me to fall. One matin ven I vas at my chateau, dere come a party of de barbares — l'epee a la main — (I vas in my chambre) dey make prisonnieres of all my five daughters " Mrs. E. "Excuse me. I thought you said that your family consisted of six daughters.'' P. Scapin. (rather taken aback) " ah yes, so, oui, c'est vrai, it is juste — Madame is right — Madame a toujours raison — yes — six daughters — six. c'est vrai — but de sixieme vas a leetle boy you see. I not understand English ver bien." Mrs. E. il Pardon my interruption. I am dying to hear the event. Did they they take your children away ?" P. Scapin. "Ah Madame, oui, yes, dey vas all enleves, arraches before les yeux paternels — et mon epouse — mon Amelie — dat is to say ma Louise — je veux dire ma Marie — she try to les sauver — mais les barbares — ah malheur ! malheur ! dey cut off her head !" (covers his face with his handkerchief.) Mrs. E. " How excessively frightful !" (turns away with horror, whereupon the Scapin with his handkerchief still applied to one eye, puts out his hand sideways and appropriates her keys, in which he had appeared to take a lively interest for some minutes before.) P. Scapin. " Madame, I vas furieux — Je me suis jete sur les meurtriers ; but dey give me dis blow wid de sword on de head — you see here de mark, (points to a scar on his forehead) and then je suis tombe evanoui, and dey throw me into prison." Mrs. E. " My heart bleeds for you." P. Scapin. " Ven I vas a leetle retabli, de gendarmerie fetch me from de prison to the tribunal of de barbares : dey wish to make me swear de serment de les obeir toujours. But de only answer I make vas, La liberte ou la mort ! Den de chief of de juges — he threaten with de graves menaces dat he would cause dat I should be shot. Mais Je lui ai repondu, " Prappez, Tyran ; je mourai ; mais ce cceur ne se changera jamais !" (gets up and lays his hand melodramatically on his heart) " jamais ! jam (suddenly sees a police- man behind him who has entered unobserved a few moments before, and is watching the Scapin with a look calculated to raise serious apprehension of some hostile designs). Ta- bleau. (The Scapin immeasurably aghast.) (Police Constable "W, watchful and stiff, trying 89 Mrs. E. Policeman. Mrs. E. Policeman. to keep his truncheon quiet, which is rather- inclined to be restless. Mrs. Easy dupe looks on in an uncomfortable state of surprise and general mystification. At last Policeman W laconically remarks " JNow then !" P. Scapin. (Suddenly subsiding into most a most natu- ral and plebeian English vernacular) " Don't be hard on a covey !" " Goodness gracious me ! Policeman, what can you possibly want ?" " Him, Mum ; (pointing to the Scapin) he knows well enough — bit of a burglary job this time." " Surely, you must be mistaken " " Think not, mum. This here old jail-bird's pretty tolerable well known in the force. That ere cut over the heye there (points to the scar of which the Scapin had given so different an account) I guv him myself with this here truncheon last time but two as I took him up, 'cos he would'nt come along quiet like and pleasant. Here's the des- cription on him in the " Hue-and-Cry." (hands the paper to Mrs. E., who reads,) "Samuel Sullivan, commonly called " Slimy Sullivan," alias, "Jim Jinglepot," alias "the big Birmingham blackguard," alias "the Old Bailey Pet," alias "the Spicy Swindler." "But this gentleman's name is quite different." 90 Policeman, "0 he's got plenty o' names, mum;" " Foreigneering Flateatcher's" his most com- monest." Mrs. E. " But surely, good Mr. Policeman, you must be mistaken. The person whom you are in search of is described here as having no whiskers, and you see that" — (points to the large black bush adorning the chin of the Scapin.) Policeman. " Them ere whiskers is'nt fixtures, mum. (pulls them off.) They wasgrow'd onahoss's tail. They're like that old brass button there (pointing to the ornament the Scapin wears on his breast) wot he calls his " craw donnoor." Mrs. E. " It's utterly impossible, you surely must be mistaken altogether." Policeman. " Think not, mum. Come Sammy, muv on." (Policeman and the Scapin exeunt.) Mrs. E. (Id great agitation) "How exceedingly painful ! Surely he must be mistaken ! Really this is quite dreadful ! There must be some mistake ; but it makes me feel quite faint. Where is my smelling bottle ? (looks for it) I put it here — gone ! and my watch ? gon< and the spoons ? gone ! ! ! and the forks ? I gone ! ! ! ! and the teapot ? yes, andmyke^ si and ring ? and every thing I had ? gone !!!!!] (She mournfully shakes her head as convic- tion as to the character of her late guest 91 becomes irresistible, and sinks, overcome by the shock, into the chair, murmuring faintly) " no ! there is no mistake whatever !' J (faints.) Scene closes. EPISTLES DEDICATORY. To Miss B — with a Swiss ecritoire. This ecritoire, my dear Miss B, I hope will prove inciting More specimens to sending me Of your most welcome writing. May Mr. Marshall* still to thee Keep constantly inditing Those " notes" so satisfactory, Not love, but payment, plighting. * Vide Signature of Bank Notes. 92 May you, I pray, still safe and free From ill, your prospects blighting, Keep, like good ship, in life's rough sea r A tendency to "'righting.." II. To E. E. WITH A WATCH. I hope, my dear Nelly, this watch Will meet with your kind approbation, For your satisfaction to catch Would give me great gratification. Herein too a sentiment lurks Which with the occasion may chime ** To you, and the watch, may good works- Ever prove a true measure of time." " And as of these busy hands' travel The dial exhibits no trace ; i<>-may Time's iron fingers ne'er ravel With wrinkles your smooth happy face." 93 III. To Arabella, with a red smelling-bottle ON HER BIRTHDAY. I wish you a great many years Of happiness comfort and wealth ; Tour cheeks, (like your clothes) free from "tears/ And red, like this bottle, with health. But at life's final closing, and when Your course toward heaven is bent ; As this lavender-water may then Your soul have as pleasant " a-scent." IV. To Delia, with a bouquet of flowers from THE " JARDIN" NEAR ChAMOUNI. Down from the mountains a tempest came thundering,. Snapping the pines with it's boisterous shock; And Chamouni's flower-beds playfully plundering, Elung some poor seeds on a bare Alpine rock. Through the long-lingering Winter's dull reign Steeped in deep snows they lay torpid and dead r Till the sun, long a stranger, returning again, Peeped over the peaks, and illumined their bed. 94 Soon, as dissolving the stern icy rigour He pierced their dark prison with warm melting gleams, They burst into life, and indued with new vigour, Spread abroad their small leaflets to welcome his beams. And though the smooth rock to their wide-spreading roots Unwilling poor sustenance scantly supplied, And rough surly north- winds the tender green shoots With envious buffetings often would chide ; Ey harsh Alpine nurses so rudely though tended, Undaunted they flourished, and sprouted the more ; Till buds, by the fostering sun still befriended, Decked the glacier with glories unwonted before. And travellers, wondering, said that the flowers Forget-me-not jessamine, primrose, and thyme, With their fresh mountain fragrance might rival the bowers And shame the bright dyes of a happier clime. Here too did the wing'd busy troopers arrive Forsaking fair Chamouni's sunnier store, Quaffed the sweet juices, then back to their hive Eich treasures of amberlike nectar they bore. From his haunt in the sky, down steep giddy traces, Through clouds spread about him descending to rest, The Chamois each eve, in this tiny oasis Found a soft, scented, and blossomy nest. Lady ! in this simple garden's small history Lurks amoral. " "What is it ?" you ask me. Nay, guess: 95 Point it, in verse; for indeed 'tis no, mystery, And this bouquet from thence shall reward your success. Y. To Belinda, with a Bernese fan.. When in some crowded suffocating room You gasp at 90° Fahrenheit, or more, This fan, should heat have paled your cheek's fresh bloom ? "Will all it's native brightness soon restore. When love into your ear it's soft vows drops, Like " desert-flower " you may " blush unseen," Till when — we wont say who — the question pops, You nod assenting from behind it's screen. Though this poor verse be, like the offering, vile, Yet, if your wonted kindness should extend The very faintest symptom of a smile, T' would very much delight your Faithful friend. VI. To Taeitha, with some charms made of Irish bog OAK, CONSISTING OF A HORSESHOE, A GROTESQUE LITTLE HEAD, A SHOE, A CRADLE, AND A CROSS. These black little chips 01 Hibernian oak, Condemned in a bog many ages to soak, m May convey my good wishes in hints emblematical .As neatly as sentences terse and grammatical ; Your wit their significance cannot but see, But perhaps 'twould be well to interpret, e.g. The horseshoe, the recognized symbol of luck, Is to bring you a swain, such a love of a duck ! This quaint little head with the horrid grimace "Too well represents my unfortunate face ; However, the comical portrait may serve In kindly remembrance a friend to preserve, Nor can I express with what infinite pride I should witness my efiigy hang by your side. "But what does the tiny black shoe say ?" you ask- — To reply would at first seem a difficult task : 'Tis said that " a glad heart attends a black shoe " See a book called Ray's Proverbs, and page fifty-two ; But I cannot explain how the famed Day and Martin Our joys or affections can take any part in. Next we come to the cradle, which means "may your sleep " As that of a baby be tranquil and deep ; " By care or discomfort untroubled your rest, "While whispering angels sweet fancies suggest. Last of all, Christianity's sign is to show — That I wish you unvarying happiness ? .No ! Let tempering sadness your gaiety leaven, For " crosses on earth are a ladder to heaven." * :So ends then my very dull song, but before I conclude, pray allow me to add one wish more .: * See Kay's Proverbs. 97 Only this, that your boasting may never be vain That still your best charms are those not on your chain. THE END, i Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide Treatment Date: April 2009 PreservationTechnologies A WORLD LEADER IN COLLECTIONS PRESERVATION 111 Thomson Park Drive Cranberry Township, PA 1 6066 (724)779-2111